#like not having a ton of her self identity wrapped up into her job

[yoshihashismattebum]

Favourite Albums of 2024

Spotify Wrapped was fun and all, but I have one problem with it: it only focuses on individual songs! (Okay, that's not strictly true – I have many other problems with it as well. E.g. 'why is this playlist full of songs I've never listened to' and 'wtf is this AI podcast bullshit') Anyway, one of my goals for 2024 was to listen to more whole albums and I think I generally succeeded! I didn't listen to a ton, but more than previous years for sure.

So I thought it would be fun to pick and share my top 3 albums of the year! Here they are, in ascending order!

3) Yard Act - Where's My Utopia?

Post-punk jams that dig into the contradictions that come with fame as a punk band. Self-deprecating and unapologetic in equal measure, with lyrics that tread the line between 'smart' and 'smart-arse'. Oh you can dance to it too.

Highlights: We Make Hits, Dream Job,

2) St. Vincent – All Born Screaming

I'm not sure what genre this falls into. Rock? Alt-pop? Wikipedia reckons 'art rock', so let's go with that. Whatever you want to call it, it's a masterpiece of songwriting. It spans so many different genres and so many different themes: fame, identity, religion, grief. It's achingly raw and personal, but a lot of it is all too relatable. There's also another version entirely in Spanish, which is very cool!

Highlights: Reckless, Broken Man, Big Time Nothing

1) Allie X – Girl With No Face

Before this album, I'd always liked one song by Allie X (All The Rage) but could never get into anything else she'd done. Well, with the release of this album I'm pleased to say that that's no longer true. I honestly struggled to pick just 3 highlights because it's so packed with catchy alt-pop bangers. The lyrics are right up Tumblr's street too, with meditations on chronic illness, identity, gender, body dysmorphia, and one song that's all about getting top surgery. Truly exceptional imo.

Highlights: Black Eye, Off With Her Tits, Weird World

Honourable Mentions:

Sløtface – Film Buff

Sløtface are probably my favourite band of all time. Their live show this year was the best gig I've been to, let alone my favourite gig of 2024. So it's a shame that this album didn't quite crack the top three for me. Musically, it's the same joyous pop punk that I absolutely adore, but the lyrics didn't quite hit for me in the same way as their previous two albums. Still well worth a listen though!

Highlights: Quiet on Set, I Used To Be A Real Piece Of Shit, Final Gørl

Teen Mortgage – Teen Mortgage

I'm not entirely sure that this one qualifies as an album tbh, which is why I've excluded it from the top 3. Spotify has it down as a "compilation", so I think it's just a collection of their singles so far? Anyway, it kicks ass. It's the essence of punk: fast, loud and uncomplicated. Sometimes you don't need clever lyrics or subtle wordplay: you need 90 seconds of furious drumming, barely intelligible vocals about calling in sick to work, and a growling guitar riff that makes you want to fight God. Pure catharsis.

Highlights: Sick Day, Falling Down, Doctor

And because this is Tumblr, let's turn it into a tag game! Reblog this with your favourite albums of the year if you like! And tag some people whose recs you want to see!

I'm sure @thepenultimaterolo @thewaythroughthewoods and @unpairedbracket would have some great choices! And I'd be interested in hearing from @sycamoretrees @caranoirs and @counting-ducks as well if you're up for it! No pressure for any of you of course (and certainly no need to write as much as I have lol). Just if you feel like it :)

[amlovelies]

Ximena is oc of the week and she's one who I'd moved to the back burner because like she didn't feel super distinct or have much personality and now I have to think of a personality 😬 I think I might make her a gamer. I don't have any ocs who are gamers so that might be fun

[cap-winter-barnes]

Best Kept Secret

I’ve had this gem sitting in my drafts for a very long time as I had totally forgotten about it. But it is finally here and I am so happy with this bundle of joy.

Warnings: teensy bit of angst , just endless amounts of fluff

Buy Me a Coffee

“Can someone please explain to me why I’m being assigned to this mission?” Steve hadn’t even finished the sentence falling off of his tongue before Bucky had interrupted him. The rest of the team turned to look at him. A scoff leaves Tony’s mouth as he glares at the super-soldier.

“Buck.” Bucky crosses his arms as he raises his eyebrows, practically asking if Steve really wants to go there. He clenches his jaw and holds back the words that he so wants to say. The muscles in Bucky’s arms tense and go rigid as he stays silent. But being typical Tony, he has to assert himself further into the situation. Instantly, Nat rolls her eyes and relaxes back into the armchair, her eyes darting between Steve, Tony and the angry Bucky leaning against the furthest doorway.

“You see, James, we work as a team here.” Tony’s tone was cold and teasing as he clapped his hands together to enunciate his words.

Bucky turns his head to glare at Tony, the blue of his eyes darkening as he settles his gaze upon the man that tries to make every second miserable for him.

“Does it look like I was talking to you, Stark?”

“Would you stop wallowing in your own self-pity for just five minutes. There are more important issues than what’s going on in that broken little head of yours.”

“Tony, that’s enough.” Steve intervenes by grabbing Tony by the shoulder and pulling him back towards him. “Buck, I think it’s best if you just go.”

“No, he stays.” Tony spits the words in rage, his anger rising. “He’s going on this mission whether he likes it or not.”

“Ton-“

“He goes and that’s final.”

The sound of the door slamming into the wall causes the team to turn their heads towards where Bucky was previously stood. The door swinging back and forth from the force of Bucky’s strength, a crack now embedded in the concrete wall.

“Well done Tony.” Sam sarcastically mumbles as the rest of the team disperse to prepare themselves for their mission.

You are sitting on your bed, an unopened book in your hands, your head hanging forwards as you fall in and out of sleep when you hear the apartment door swing open. Bucky is silent as he enters and quietly closes it behind him. Jolting up, you turn and smile at him through the open doorway, acting as if he didn’t nearly just catch you dozing off.

“Hey.” Your voice is soft and gentle when you address him. The small smile falls from your face when you see his expression as he stalks through the sitting room and into the bedroom, towards the wardrobe on the far side. Carefully placing your book on the duvet next to you, you stand and tiptoe across the carpeted floor to stand next to him. As you wrap your hands around his torso, the muscles underneath your fingers instantly relax. A sigh leaving Bucky’s lips as he leans back into your touch.

“I can’t get out of this one, doll.” His words are heavy with guilt as he speaks. “I’m sorry.”

“James.” His name on your lips is music to his ears. You’re the only person he can even begin to tolerate calling him that. The only other person was his Mother.

“You don’t have to apologise for anything.”

“I have everything to apologise for.”

With a soft exhale, you place both of your palms against his cheeks, refusing to let him avoid eye contact.

“James, this is your job, I knew what I was getting myself into when I met you.” With a voice as soft as yours, Bucky can’t help but bathe in the love held within your gaze. It often makes him wonder what you lives would be like had you both been together during the forties, yet he cannot think this way for too long, the longing ache of his past life . “Now go and save the world.” A wave of sadness crosses his features before he places a chaste kiss against your lips, both hands running gently through your hair. It is only a fleeting moment before he regretfully pulls away, walking backwards slowly, never breaking eye contact until he reaches the door.

“I’ll be back before you know it.”

True to his word, Bucky returns a week later as you are running a shallow bath, humming a soft lullaby in your shared bedroom. As he enters the apartment, he is careful to not make a sound. Yet the sight before him as he enters the dimly lit room has a breathe falling audibly from his lips. You turn to him, a small bundle held protectively in your arms.

“You’re home.” You move across to him with a spring in your step, throwing you free hand around his neck and pulling him as close as you can manage to your body. “We missed you.”

“I missed you both too.” As you move apart, Bucky cannot help but admire the small girl held within your arms, soundly asleep. “How long has she been out for?”

You chuckle at his question, knowing how much he loves to spend time with his daughter, especially when she is awake to entertain him.

“You need to be patient, James. I should expect that she’ll wake up in the next ten minutes or so.”

He nods with a soft grin on his face, admiring the sleeping infant in his arms.

“Go and take your bath, doll. I’ll watch her.” Before you can even protest, Bucky gives you a stern yet loving look. With a lingering kiss to his lips, you disappear into the bathroom to bathe.

During this time, Bucky sits with your daughter cradled in his arms as she stirs in her slumber, and as predicted by yourself, she wakes not ten minutes after you left the confines of the bedroom. She is grizzly as she wakes, fussing and crying as her blue eyes open, taking in the appearance of her father.

“Hey, pretty girl.” Seeming to relax at his voice, Bucky continues talking to the little girl, telling her stories of his own childhood.

Ever since her birth, you and Bucky were enamoured with your tiny creation – from the way she wiggles her toes and clenches her fingers to the colour of her eyes, that are identical to her father’s.

Yet she is still your little secret, the only other person aware of your little girl being Steve.

Between the both of you, you knew it would be in her best interests to keep her hidden away from the world for a little while, considering Buck’s job and the dangers that come along with it. But when the world is that little bit more safer and the both of you are ready, you’ll introduce her to her many aunts and uncles that reside at the compound.

And as Bucky basks in the love and joy of the moment, his first child wrapped carefully in his arms, the love of his life only metres away watching them adoringly from the bathtub, he can’t help but feel that everything that life had thrown at him had all lead to this moment – to his happy family. His best kept secret.

[okayoonoh]

headbands™

“A bright yellow headband on his head, dimples appearing on his cheeks, his bouncy toddler showing off her boundless energy on the padded floors, Jung Jaehyun knows he’s home.”

---

- pairing: jaehyun x reader - genre: super duper family fluff - rating: e for everyone!!! - word count: 3,170 - warnings: only the possible heart attacks one may face imagining jung jaehyun as a dad (i am writing this from the afterlife)

a/n: here’s the first part of the nct as dads: return of the superman! i touched on this subject a bit in lani’s description but i definitely want to go more in detail!

here is where you can find all things nct dad related! i have a ton of other parts out, so go and binge, i won’t judge ;)

[ navi ]

---

note: lani just turned 3 years old in this scenario :)

---

“I know you know this, but please do your best to keep her fed. She gets super upset whenever her tummy growls.”

“I know.”

“Also, she knows where all the snacks are, so make sure you keep an eye on here. She’ll even climb on her own so you gotta make sure you watch her if she’s in the kitchen.”

“Mmhm.”

“And she’s been super fascinated by the TV, but make sure she doesn’t watch too much.”

“I got it.”

“Oh! And before I forget, I cooked you enough food for the weekend, so don’t forget to eat, okay? All of it is in the fridge. It can be pretty tiring and sometimes you forget to eat for yourself.”

“Thank you, I won’t forget.”

“Am I forgetting anything? ...Oh! And--”

“--Y/N! Don’t worry so much; we’ll be okay!”

Jaehyun laughs at your mildly stressed out complexion; it’s not your fault that you’re more nervous than he was. You stand near the front door, the simple and quick task of putting on your shoes to leave the house taking way longer than expected as you begin to have second thoughts about leaving. Today marks the start of the 48 hours your loving husband will spend with your adorable little daughter. A weekend with the purpose for you to relax and not stress about your baby, but for some odd reason, it’s giving you the complete opposite effect and you haven’t even left the house yet.

It’s not that you didn’t trust your husband and his skills with your daughter, in fact, you knew better than anyone that Jaehyun is more than capable enough to take care of your daughter. It’s simply the fact that this is the longest you’ll be apart from her ever since she was born 3 years ago. Becoming a mother has been equally rewarding and exhausting; you realize that the bags under your eyes get heavier by the day and the ache in your muscles become agonizing by the second. A weekend for you is definitely long overdue, but 48 hours seems oh too long to be apart from your cheeky dimpled little girl, Jung Lani.

Oh, and Jaehyun. You’ll miss him a bit as well.

From the second you announced your pregnancy, Jaehyun was aching to be on this show. Of course, his favorite memories made with his daughter included you, but as his schedule gets filled by the daily, he finds that he doesn’t spend as much time as he’d like his little girl. He finds himself coming home late at night, post-concert/practice exhaustion hindering his ability to play with his daughter the way he’d like. Being able to step away from the idol limelight and just be Jung Jaehyun, father of Jung Lani, for a mere two days is a godsend for him. He’s fully aware that it won’t be easy, but he’s always up for the challenge, especially if it means making fun memories with his precious daughter.

“Don’t be so nervous, Y/N. You’ll just be a phone call away in case anything serious happens, but I’ll make sure Lani is safe and happy throughout the entire time.” Your husband reassures you in an attempt to lessen your nerves. It doesn’t really work, but you appreciate the effort.

“I know, I know.” You pout, “It’s just been three years and the longest I’ve been apart from her has been, like, 4 hours. I don’t know if I can take it.”

Jaehyun laughs again, the simple details of your pout seeming almost identical to the details of your daughter’s pout. He pulls you into a hug, placing a hand on your head to smoosh your face into his chest. “Look, if it makes you feel better, I’ll FaceTime you every time we eat so you can see that Lani is all okay.”

You wrap your arms around his waist, keeping your face against his chest, your voice muffled from the position, “Promise?”

“Promise.” He finishes with a small kiss on your head. You relax for a beat longer in the arms of your husband, all before the little pitter patter of tiny feet catches your attention.

“Eomma! Appa!”

You hear the adorable voice you live for each and every day approach you until a small figure hugs your legs.

“Oh? Did you sleep well, Lani?” You ask, gently pushing Jaehyun aside so you can kneel down and pick up your daughter. Once in your arms, you smooth over her messy bed head, sweeping her thick dark locks to try and tame them.

She rubs the sleepiness from her eyes and nods, “I dreamed about a tiger who was upset because a goblin turned it into a kitten!”

You gasp, “That’s crazy! Was it a bad tiger?”

Lani nods at you enthusiastically, “Mhmm! It fought with the other tigers so the goblin turned it into a kitten so it wouldn’t fight anymore!”

Your daughter's immense imagination never ceased to amaze you and Jaehyun. Her ability to recount the smallest details of her creative dreams have become a part of your morning routine with your precious little girl.

“That seems like a scary dream, Lani!” You overreact, but you know she enjoys these morning debriefs. “Were you scared?”

“I wasn’t scared at all, eomma!” She says, proudly. “Appa was there and he protected me from the angry tiger!” Lani giggles as she says it, two dimples forming on her soft cheeks. You glance over at your husband, identical dimples on his face as he smiles at his appearance in Lani’s dream.

You turn so Lani faces her father, “Oh really? What did appa say in your dream?”

Lani smiles when she sees Jaehyun, reaching her arms so she can be held by him instead. You hand her to him, Jaehyun instinctively kissing her head while she sits in his arms. “Appa said, ‘Don’t worry, Lani! The tiger is strong, but appa is stronger!’”

Lani deepens her voice as she says this, seemingly trying to imitate her father’s baritone voice. You and Jaehyun both laugh at her impersonation; her cheeky personality always brightens up your mornings.

“Ah, did I say that, Lani?” Jaehyun asks.

“You did! You were so cool, appa!” Lani gushes in the arms of her father.

“Is that so?” You say, walking back over to Lani to attempt in fixing the rebellious strands of hair that popped back up even though you just fixed her bed head. “It seems that appa did a good job at protecting you! You should thank him for protecting you from the angry tiger!!”

Lani puts her hands together and she bows her head a bit, just like she learned from you and Jaehyun. “Thank you for protecting me from the tiger, appa!”

“Give him a kiss!”

Jaehyun puckers up his lips as Lani dramatically leans over and gives her dad a big kiss. He instantly holds her close and plants a million small kisses all over her face, causing Lani to giggle oh so sweetly. You smile seeing your entire world right in front of you. From this moment, you know that everything will be okay.

After Jaehyun had his fill of morning kisses, he keeps Lani in his arms as you place a hand on Lani’s back, deciding now is as good time as ever to actually leave.

You sigh as you try your best to maintain a happy voice for the sake of your daughter, “Okay, Lani. You know how I mentioned I’ll be going on a little vacation?”

Lani nods in response, her big eyes looking into your’s.

“Well, Eomma has to leave now! Be good and play with appa! I’ll be home in 2 days.” You rub her back in a circular motion as she looks at you, trying to process the information.

“Okay, Eomma!” She says as you lean over and kiss her cheek. You finally put on your shoes and grab your bags with your clothes as Jaehyun walks towards you.

“Go and give Eomma a big hug and kiss!” Jaehyun whispers in Lani’s ear. You put your head near Lani’s as she grabs both of your cheeks and plants a big kiss on your lips. You smile, looking up at your husband.

“I’m leaving now,” You say, opening the front door.

“Okay, stay safe! Don’t worry about us,” Jaehyun says and leans down, giving you a quaint little peck before you leave. You wave your hand one last time, say your “I love you’s”,  and shut the door, heading to your car to start the 48 hours.

Jaehyun heads back inside the house, placing Lani on the ground. He starts his way to the kitchen as Lani speeds past him towards the living room. She notices all of the cameras in the room, an adorable shocked expression on her face.

“Go and say hello properly, Lani,” Jaehyun says with a smile, entertained by his daughter’s expression.

Lani faces one of the self-moving cameras and folds two hands over her belly and does her best bow, saying a small “Hello.”

“Go and say hi to your uncles and aunties in the tents.” Jaehyun adds. Lani immediately runs towards the camera men and women placed around the living room, leaning over and saying her hellos like she did with the other camera. The cameraman responds and she smiles, jumping up and down in excitement.

“Appa! I said hello!” Lani exclaims as she runs to her father.

“Good job!” Jaehyun smiles, squatting down to her height, “Should we wash your face and get ready for the day?”

Lani nods and wraps her arms around Jaehyun’s neck with a giggle. Even in the morning, she keeps her cheerful and happy personality. Jaehyun lifts up his daughter and heads towards the bathroom, getting ready to help her wash her face and brush her teeth. Jaehyun kicks her little step stool near the sink and opens the drawer directly under the sink, letting her choose which headband she’ll wear for the morning.

Lani stands on her tippy toes to see the headbands inside, instantly reaching for one of her newest ones, “I want to wear the yellow one! You too, Appa, wear a yellow one too!”

Jaehyun smiles and grabs one of his yellow headbands, slicking his hair back so it doesn’t get into his eyes. Headbands are for sure the aesthetic of your happy little family; a headband on each of your heads whenever any of you are home. Lani smiles when she sees her dad in his yellow headband, happy to know she’ll be matching with him soon. Jaehyun puts Lani’s headband on her head, the bright yellow headband holding her messy bedhead away from her face.

“Okay, Lani, get up!” Jaehyun taps the countertop that surrounds the sink and starts the water, putting his hand under the running water to gage the temperature. Lani carefully climbs on looking at her reflection in the mirror. Jaehyun flicks some water on Lani’s face, causing her to clench her face at the surprising attack. She giggles and leans over the sink, knowing that it’s time to wash her face. Jaehyun supports her back, making sure she won’t fall, and washes her face. Lani didn’t inherit much from Jaehyun, but her rice cake cheeks and deep dimples are for sure from her father.

After he finishes washing her face, Jaehyun quickly washes his own as Lani waddles off to get him a towel. She runs back into the bathroom, moving back onto her stepping stools as Jaehyun dries his clean face, thanking his daughter for completing her little task. Jaehyun then grabs his toothbrush and Lani’s, putting her child friendly toothpaste on hers and his normal toothpaste on his and they begin brushing their teeth. Jaehyun looks at his daughter’s face through the reflection in the mirror and makes a funny face, all while brushing his teeth. Lani giggles and does her best to imitate the face, causing Jaehyun to smile as well. These simple morning details will never leave you or your husband’s memories; your adorable daughter making simple tasks fun.

Once all of the morning routines are finished up, Jaehyun takes Lani back to the living room, both of their headbands on their heads. “Lani, go and play by yourself for a little bit, okay? Appa is going to make you and your uncles and aunties something delicious.”

“Okay appa!” Lani says as Jaehyun heads off into the kitchen. He gets started on making some food for Lani and even making something for the staff while Lani heads off to play around in the living room with the staff.

Lani smiles, showing off her deep dimples, and walks over to one of the cameramen, poking inside the tent.

“Hello!” she says, happy to meet the new person.

“Hello,” the cameraman says.

“Did you eat breakfast?” Lani asks, bringing her face even closer to the camera; a little habit she picked up from her dad.

The cameraman smiles, “Yes. I ate before I came here.”

Lani looks up at the cameraman, seeing him move some of his hair out of his eyes. Lani furrows her eyebrows in concern, “Is you hair bugging you?”

“Just a little bit, I’m going to get a haircut soon.” he replies.

“I have an idea!” Lani cheers, quickly moving out of the tent and heading to the bathroom. Lani moves her step stool and pulls open the drawer, reaching in and grabbing one of Jaehyun’s headbands. She runs back excitedly towards the cameraman, putting her face close towards his camera. Lani hands the headband to the cameraman, her eyes showing her excitement.

“Here!!” she says, the biggest smile on her face.

The cameraman laughs, flustered about this situation, “No, it’s okay, I don’t need one.”

Lani’s eyes show a bit of sadness, “Please, Uncle?”

The cameraman laughs again and concedes, Lani’s cuteness too much to handle, “Okay, okay.” He reaches a hand and grabs the headband, taking off his headphones to put the headband, holding back his hair. Lani looks at him excitedly, happy to see that she helped him get his hair out of his face.

“Thank you, Lani!” He smiles, reaching a hand to pinch her cheek. Lani giggles, running to the middle of the living room while looking at the cameraman, happy to see the headband on his head. She jumps around excitedly, her joyous laughter filling the air. The other camerawoman laughs quietly as well, doing her best to film the excited toddler.

Lani’s attention is caught by the laughing camerawoman, giggling and running towards her tent now. She brings her face close to the camera as well, sticking her head in the camerawoman’s tent.

“Lani, don’t disturb your aunts and uncles! They’re busy working,” Jaehyun says from his spot in the kitchen, his face staying towards the carrots he’s currently cutting. Lani seemingly ignores her father’s words and proceeds to shove her face right into the camera, giggling at the new object.

“Excuse me!” Lani says, her attention now on the camerawoman. “Would you like a headband too?”

The camerawoman smiles gently at Lani, “No thank you. I’m okay!”

Lani frowns at the rejection, literal puppy eyes appearing on her face. “Bu-But! Uncle in the other tent has one, Lani has one, appa has one… you’re the only one that doesn’t have one!”

The camerawoman giggles, “Alright. Go and get me a pretty one, Lani!”

Lani’s features brighten up immediately as she cheers in excitement, immediately rushing back into the bathroom to get a different headband. Lani finds one of your white headbands, deciding this is the perfect color for her new auntie. Lani has a wide smile on her face as she runs as fast as her little legs can take her back to the camerawoman.

“Here!” Lani giggles, putting her face in the tent, the headband in her hand.

The camerawoman looks over to her colleague, the headband sitting proudly on his head. He’s filming the adorable interaction happening as he just laughs behind the camera. He nods at the camerawoman, silently telling her to just accept the headband.

“Alright. Thank you so much, Lani!” The camerawoman gives a gentle smile to the bubbly girl, grabbing the offered headband. She puts on the headband, making sure it’s still visible even with the headset on.

Lani runs to the middle of the living room, an even brighter smile on her face. She jumps up and down and dances in delight, so pleased that everyone in the house has headbands on their heads now. She stops jumping for a brief second, wanting to show her father her newest accomplishment.

“Appa! Appa!!” Lani cheers as she rushes over to the kitchen. Jaehyun holds a plate with some gimbap he prepared, doing his best to walk carefully with his daughter practically hugging his legs.

“One second, Lani. Let me give this to Uncle and Auntie then you can tell me. Appa doesn’t want to spill this.” Jaehyun says as Lani grabs a hold of his sweatpants as he walks towards the tents. Lani nods and stays quiet, figuring out that it might be better as a little surprise for her dad.

Jaehyun reaches the first tent and carefully hands him the food he prepared, a smile on his face. “Please enjo-- wait a second... I don’t remember you wearing a headband when you walked in?”

The shock is evident in Jaehyun’s face as the cameraman laughs. “I’m sorry, Lani came by and gave it to me and I couldn’t refuse.”

Jaehyun looks over at the insanely cheerful expression on his daughter’s face and he smiles as well, “No! Don’t apologize! This entire thing is actually really funny! How did I manage to miss her doing this?”

Jaehyun ruffles his daughter’s hair and kneels down at the text tent, moving the curtain back to give the rest of the food to the camerawoman. He takes a look inside and realizes that she also has a headband, causing him to let out a hearty laugh. “You too?”

The camerawoman just nods. Lani jumps on her dad's back, giggles fill the air as she shows just how happy she is about everything. Jaehyun stands up with Lani on his back, spinning around a bit as she hangs on for dear life. Jaehyun kneels down again, letting Lani plant her feet on the ground again, kneeling down and holding her close as she giggles so brightly, something about this situation just puts her in a laughing mood. 

“Good job, Lani! My daughter is so thoughtful. Who did you get that from?” Jaehyun says, hugging Lani close.

Lani smiles, “From eomma and appa!” 

Jaehyun opens his arms, allowing her to wiggle free and jump around the living room in delight. The dad of three years watches his pride and joy with a smile on his face, his heart filled with a happiness he’s never known before. All of the nerves and negative thoughts about his abilities to watch his daughter on his own completely leave his mind; even a glance of Lani’s smile is enough for him.

Jaehyun knows that in this very moment in time, he’s right where he’s meant to be. He wouldn’t trade any of this for anything.

A bright yellow headband on his head, dimples appearing on his cheeks, his bouncy toddler showing off her boundless energy on the padded floors, Jung Jaehyun knows he’s home. 

---

aaannndd that’s a wrap on jaehyun’s first return of the superman scenario!! i hope you guys liked reading it as much as i liked writing it!

my request box is open! don’t be afraid to pop by and request anything you want!

thank you so much for reading and i hope you guys enjoyed this fluffly little piece!

- amy <3

[epouvantes]

❛ jeon jungkook, demiboyflux, he/they ❜ was that kim moonsik? the twenty-two year old freelance photographer has been in town since birth. the witch has a reputation for being disorganized & affectionate. you know they’re around when you get flashes of ( mismatched socks, taking buzzfeed quizzes into the dead of night, dancing when no one is watching & believing in signs ). rumor has it, they are a member of the high coven. { samu, est, 25, she/they }

( OOC: TW: ANXIETY MENTION AT THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH. hi! i’m samu, i’m 25 and i use she/they pronouns! i’m so so so so so excited for this rp and for you all to meet my babies!!!!! i wanted to make this lil ooc section just to let y’all know that i’ll be posting longer and more detailed intro-like posts for my charas eventually, but i wanted to be able to give lil summaries and connection ideas before then so!!!!! there it is!!!!! thank u sm for reading!!!!! also if i ever message you to plot, which i’d like to do with everyone if my social anxiety allows it, pls don’t feel obligated to plot with me at all!!!!! i love connecting with other writers and stuff but i’ll completely understand if you’re not up to plot with me and my charas <33 ) ← this is the same ooc paragraph in all of my first three intros, so pls feel free to skip it! <3

brief introduction.

moonsik’s parents moved from ulsan, south korea, to blackthorne about eight years before the boy was born. he grew up in blackthorne along with his two older siblings (they’re fraternal twins a couple of years older than moonsik), and had a pretty comfortable childhood! however, his mother left the family when he was only five years old, and he’s never seen or talked to her since. the reasoning behind her departure is still a mystery to moonsik, and he’s definitely still confused/sad about it, but!! i won’t delve too much into that yet!! i’ll def write about it in my longer bio/intro thingy later on, though!! 

his dad remarried, when moonsik was nine years old, to a woman who had lived in blackthorne all her life!! i’m not gonna develop the step-mother too much bc i’ll definitely send in some wanted connections soon (for her + moonsik’s dad, siblings and step-siblings! and maybe more?), but she actually has a really good relationship with moonsik!! he doesn’t see her as a mother tbh, but he really loves and respects her and!! even during his more rebellious phases in high school she was like the one (1) person in the family he always felt he could talk to!!

relationships with siblings and step-siblings are to be developed tm!! i’ll be sending in wanted connections for them soon as i said before so i might add a bit to it in there but tbh i’ll try to keep things vague so that they’re easier to fill!!

moonsik did NOT like school. like, at all. i think probably at least one of his siblings was like...... super strong academically, and it mayhaps played on moonsik’s confidence a bit to constantly see his sibling(s) get praised for their accomplishments?? and like..... his dad, siblings, step-mom and step-siblings have never put pressure on him?? he did so himself after seeing others succeed so much and wishing he could do so as well?? and don’t get me wrong; he’s skilled at plenty of things (especially visual arts)!! but having difficulties academically really did affect his self confidence :(

i said this was going to be short rip sdlfijsdlkfjsdlkfjsdklf i’M SO SORRY!!!!!

ok so!! outside of all the family stuff!! moonsik’s been exploring his gender identity for about three years now, and he finally feels like he has the right word/definition for it all!! demiboyflux is honestly a word he didn’t even know of until a couple of months ago, but as soon as he saw the definition for it (here’s a link to a simple definition!) he was so happy because it was him and it felt perfectly right??

he’s not exactly out to that many people concerning his gender identity bc as much as he loves who he is he just isn’t ever sure how to bring it up?? also, most of the time he’s fine with masculine nouns (boy, man, brother, son, boyfriend, husband, prince, etc.) AND he’s perfectly fine with both he and they as far as pronouns go, so...... he just doesn’t feel like it’s absolutely necessary for him to discuss it with EVERYONE, you know? but at the same time sometimes he kind of feels like just ranting and rambling and gushing about all of it, which is why he actually started an anonymous blog (eyes emoji tm) last month, and it’s been super helpful for him!!

he’s a freelance photographer rn, and he honestly really likes it!! however, since he’s not super well established yet (and doesn’t have an official diploma or anything like that - he quit university after two semesters), he isn’t making tons of money, and is therefore currently living with his dad and step-mother. it’s becoming a bit suffocating to him tbh?? and he’s highkey considering getting a part-time job too so that he can maybe make enough money to afford renting a lil apartment or room or something!!

super disorganized!! it’s probably one of the things he fights about the most with his family bc they kinda see his lack of organization as him being quite irresponsible (and they’re not completely wrong maybe, but still), and he’s never really done anything to change this part of him?? like, he’s always losing stuff, forgetting things behind, not remembering appointments, forgetting to send in important documents on time, never checking his voice mail and/or inbox, etc.

affectionate af!!!!! a sweetheart, tbh?? like, he’s kind of reserved so people tend to assume that he’s not the most friendly, but he’s actually rlly sweet!! he’s very openly affectionate with the people he’s close to, never hesitating to wrap himself around someone or plop down in someone’s lap or anything like that (though he is careful about who is and isn’t comfortable with that ofc! tbh in the past he didn’t take that into consideration all that much and he honestly feels really bad about it now, so he’s SUPER careful about other people’s boundaries now)!! also....... he will 110% deny it, but he LOVES attention. like he’ll wither away without attention i sdlfjslkdjfksldf

he’s bi and has known for a long time, and he’s actually been out as such since he was seventeen years old! 

( WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY ) he’s had two serious-ish relationships in his life so far, but outside of those he’s actually quite enjoyed doing more casual sexual things with people he finds attractive/interesting/etc!! he actually prefers fwbs to one night stands and i can DEF see that leading to some tension in the future with some of his friends.........

HE’S SO PROUD OF BEING A WITCH!!!!!! his entire family are witches (maybe not his step-mother and step-siblings, though? it’ll depend on whether or not they get taken up as wanted connections and, in the case they do, what the people playing them prefer!), and he’s so!!!!!! passionate about it!!!!! he hates learning in school and stuff but when it comes to learning about magic, especially healing magic, he’s so eager and passionate and !!!!!! he loves it :( idk if his father and siblings are in the high coven tbh but!!!!! he is definitely quite proud to be part of it!!!! also he’s probs definitely one of the most eye-roll-y judgemental ones when it comes to what he thinks of the bloodstone coven !! he deadass doesn’t get why they would practice the kind of magic they practice and he’s???? like he wouldn’t be straight up /rude/ to them without reason but he’s def not as friendly as usual around them i think (though ofc there might be exceptions!!)

connection ideas.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS: probably around 2 to 4 of those?? i’m picturing this lil group to have been thick as thieves since they were little kids (although maybe one or more of them joined their lil friend group later on in their childhood and/or teenage years?), and i just really want a group of super close friends who know each other better than the backs of their own hands and who may tease each other mercilessly but who still love and adore each other (no matter whether or not they actually say those words aloud dlffkjsdkjfsdlkjfsdlkf)!! age-wise i was thinking they could all be between 21 and 25 years old?? ( 00 / 02-04 )

EXES: as mentioned earlier, moonsik has been in two romantic relationships in the past that were somewhat serious? one of them was probably a high school relationship that last for like 14 months and ended just because they did not click well together AT ALL but had gotten into a relationship bc high school and stuff, you know?? (i think that ex would have probs identified as a cis woman back then - whether they still do or not is up to you - since they probs started dating before moonsik came out as bi?) and i feel like mayhaps recently they’ve gotten in touch again and actually click quite well as friends nowadays, although there are zero (0) romantic feelings between them anymore (just saying, but..... mlm/wlw solidarity is rad tm!! it’s not a necessity ofc but!! yes!!) NOW THE OTHER EX!!!!!!! i feel like this one would have been a bit more recent?? and probably with a man or masc presenting person?? since it’d be more recent, and the relationship would have been quite important to moonsik, i’d like not to add too much to it here and instead work it out with whoever may end up being interested in that connection? ( 00 / 02 )

EMPLOYER(S): people who’ve hired moonsik for his photography skills!!!! maybe also a future/eventual employer for when he ends up finally looking for a part-time job?? mayhaps they could be friends of some of moonsik’s family members?? oooooh what about someone who knew his mother?? (although ig that’ll be easier to work out when i 100% decide why she left dslfjksdkjfsdkljf) ( 00 / ?? )

FRIEND AND/OR ENEMY WITH BENEFITS: ( WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTS ) i’m thinking that moonsik probably doesn’t hook up with too many people at the same time unless he knows for sure that the other person doesn’t mind it? so the number for this connection will change depending on that!! also i reaaaaaaally love BOTH the idea of friends with benefits AND enemies with benefits since they can both bring in v interesting storylines!! also i’m not totally opposed to having moonsik hook up with his most recent ex (bc i love angst), but it’s definitely not a necessity! ( 00 / 01 )

DEALER: ( WARNING: DRUGS TW ) he did quite a few hard drugs in hs, which was 100% part of one of his rebellious phases, and although he doesn’t do anything too strong anymore, he does rlly like weed (prefers edibles to smoking tho bc no matter how often he does it he always coughs and it’s embarrassing!!!!!), and i’d love a connection with his dealer?? preferably one that’s kind of humorous?? ( 00 / 01 )

[tsuki-chibi]

Passionfruit (Novembr) Day 16: Forbid

Catch up on AO3: Passionfruit

————

Ladybug thought she did a good job of holding it together until Chat finally fell asleep. Only then did she allow herself to really, truly start panicking. She pressed her face into the back of his neck, her breathing rapidly speeding up. Of all the people to find out about them, it would have to be Chloé. The one person capable of knowing that if Adrien was Chat, that meant Marinette had to be Ladybug.

Maybe Chat was right. Maybe Chloé would keep it secret... but maybe she wouldn’t. There was a world of difference between Adrien and Marinette being soulmates, and Adrien and Marinette being Chat Noir and Ladybug. One of those secrets would get Chloé tons of attention, and if there was one thing Chloé Bourgeois loved, it was attention.

She closed her eyes, her grip on Chat so tight that he surely would have protested had he been awake. He blamed himself, not only for what had happened with Dark Cupid but also for Chloé finding out, but it wasn’t solely his fault. Ladybug should’ve known better. She should’ve shut up. She should’ve given him the chance to speak to Chloé and then talked to him afterwards when he was alone.

What if Plagg tried to take Chat’s miraculous away? What if Chloé knowing was over the line? Ladybug’s breath rattled in and out of her. She wouldn’t let that happen, she decided. She’d fight whoever came for the Ladybug or Black Cat miraculous. And if Plagg and Tikki didn’t want to work with them anymore, well. She’d fight them too.

Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that. Maybe Plagg hadn’t heard. Maybe Chloé had changed enough to understand the importance of keeping this a secret. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Ladybug muffled a screech against Chat’s back and allowed herself the luxury of a full thirty minutes of letting her anxiety take over catastrophizing.

She was exhausted by the time her brain stopped running in panicked circles, but she didn’t dare fall asleep. It was too risky. If Gabriel or Nathalie walked in on them, they were fucked. She rested her chin on Chat’s shoulder and thought wistfully about being able to lay in bed with him as Marinette, without having to hide from their kwamis.

If Plagg took the Chloé thing well... perhaps she and Adrien could revisit the idea of telling their kwamis the truth. Life would be easier and a little less stressful. Even now, Ladybug wished she could detransform and talk things through with Tikki. She was certain that Tikki’s wisdom and ability to offer advice would be invaluable right now. But that wasn’t an option as things stood. Ladybug sighed.

Chat stirred. She froze.

“Mari, you’re freaking out,” he mumbled.

“Well, I figured it was my turn,” Ladybug whispered. She wasn’t sure what had woken him up, but guiltily figured it was probably the influx of emotions. She’d certainly run the full gamut in the past hour or so.

Chat squirmed around until her grip on him had loosened to the point that he could roll over and look at her. What was coming through the bond was muted by weariness, but she could make out concern mingled with curiosity. It was a relief to know that his earlier self-loathing had, at least for the time being, lessened.

“It’ll be okay,” he said, touching her cheek.

“I think so too. I just, you know, needed a moment,” Ladybug said.

He opened his mouth to apologize for falling asleep. She put a finger to his lips to silence him, but of course that didn’t work so well when you had a telepathic bond. Chat wrinkled his nose at her.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone to sleep like that,’ he thought.

Ladybug sighed. “Stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, you dumb cat,” she said crossly. “You needed that nap.”

“But you needed me,” he said, lips moving against her finger.

“And you were right here. With me. Doing exactly what I needed. Acting like my teddy bear,” Ladybug told him. “Sometimes a girl just needs time to freak out.” And have some potentially unkind thoughts about Chloé that Chat wouldn’t have to overhear.

His lips quirked up into a faint smile. “So I’m your teddy bear now?”

“More like a teddy kitty, I guess,” she said.

“I guess I can live with that,” Chat murmured. “I don’t really know what to do now.”

“We’re kind of a mess, aren’t we?” Ladybug said.

“Little bit,” he agreed.

She grabbed his right hand and laced their fingers together again. “You know I’m not scared of you, right? You get that?”

He nodded.

“Good. Because I’ll say it as much as I need to that it wasn’t your fault. But...” she trailed off.

“But?” Chat prompted, knowing that she had something she needed to say.

“I hope you’ll be more careful about trying to protect me,” she said bluntly. “Yeah, I know I’m the only who can purify the akuma blah blah blah. But what happens to you affects me too, okay? Focus less on protecting me and more on getting us both out of the way.”

“I’ll still protect you if I can,” Chat said. “But yeah, okay, that seems like a fair compromise.”

She smiled then. Their heads were close together since they were sharing a pillow. No sooner had the thought crossed her mind that she would really like to know what kissing Chat felt like when she wasn’t trying to free him from being brainwashed, than Chat’s eyes had widened and he lifted his head to move towards her.

“Adrien? Are you in there?” Nathalie’s voice came through the door at the same time that she rapped sharply on it.

Ladybug practically levitated out of the bed in her panic. Chat’s eyes were bulging and frantic as he grabbed her arm and they sprinted towards the window. There was literally no time to swing away without being seen. They scrambled out onto the narrow ledge below Chat’s window and plastered themselves to the wall.

“Adrien?” Nathalie called again, this time opening the door.

She held her breath. Chat’s grip on her arm was so tight that his claws were pricking uncomfortably. Neither of them dared to move an inch. If Nathalie spotted them, they were screwed. There was no easy explanation for why Ladybug and Chat Noir were hanging out in Adrien Agreste’s bedroom. She crossed her fingers and toes for good measure and prayed that her ladybug luck would kick in.

There was a long, tense silence from above them. Then Nathalie said, “No sir, I thought I heard something but he’s not here. Perhaps he went to his fencing lesson after all. I’ll send -” Her voice cut off as she walked out and closed the bedroom door behind her.

‘Thank fuck,’ Chat thought shakily.

‘That was too close for comfort,’ Ladybug thought back. ‘Do you think she’s gone?’

Chat tipped his head back to listen. His hearing was superior to hers. ‘I think so,’ he thought. ‘But she might come back. We should go.’

Ladybug sidled closer and wrapped her arms around Chat’s neck. He gripped his baton in his left hand and sprang off the ledge, sending them both soaring over the fence. He didn’t stop, turning in the direction of Le Grand Paris. She wound her legs around his waist and held on.

Chloé was clearly waiting for them, because her balcony door were open. Chat’s baton touched down first; he lowered them slowly to the ground and let her slip down. She lingered, enjoying the close contact between them. Their faces were mere inches apart, almost close enough to -

“It’s about time!” Chloé exclaimed.

“Hi Chloé,” Chat said, resigned.

Ladybug slowly turned her head. “Hi Chloé.”

“I thought you’d changed your minds,” Chloé said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Of course not,” Chat said. He walked over to the door and into Chloé’s bedroom, as casual as though he did it all the time. Then again, Ladybug reflected, he probably did. Adrien and Chloé had spent a lot of time together.

She followed, pulling the balcony doors shut behind her. Chloé’s room was enormous. It was easily the same size of Adrien’s room, though more sparsely decorated. Ladybug didn’t see any video games or books, just a huge make-up country, a desk, and a walk-in closet. She caught a glimpse of clothes that made her fingers itch just to touch them.

“I want to see,” Chloé said abruptly, looking back and forth between them.

“We can’t,” Chat said immediately. “We can’t be seen.”

Chloé’s jaw tightened. Her arms slipped down to her waist, like she was hugging herself, and she said, “You think I’d record you?”

She was hurt by the unintentional implication, Ladybug realized, and found herself rushing to explain. “No, of course not, Chloé. It’s part of the magic that lets us be superheroes. If we detransform, someone else will know that we know each other’s identities and that you know. That wouldn’t be good.”

Chloé’s eyebrows furrowed. “Wait. You’re not supposed to know about each other?”

“Sadly, no. For safety reasons, it’s supposed to be a secret,” Chat told her. Anticipating her next question, he added, “They don’t know we’re soulmates.”

“I see,” Chloé said, somewhat mollified. “That sounds stupid.”

Ladybug gave a small grin. “I think there’s some reasoning behind it, but I also don’t disagree. Chat and I trying to hide from each other as well as everyone else would be needlessly complicated.”

“We’ll show you someday. As soon as we can,” Chat said. “But Chloé... in return...”

“I know. I can’t tell anyone,” Chloé interrupted with a wave of her hand.

“And you’re okay with that?” Ladybug asked before she could stop herself.

Chloé scoffed. “What, do you want Adrien to stop being your partner?” she asked sarcastically, putting a hand on her hip. “Because that’s what will happen if his dad finds out. He’ll freak.”

“Freak is an understatement. I’d be lucky if all he did was forbid me from doing this,” Chat muttered. Ladybug touched his arm instinctively, grounding him in the midst of a swell of bitter memories.

“Besides, it wouldn’t do me any good. Who would believe that klutzy Marinette Dupain-Cheng is Ladybug?” Chloé went on. “I’d be laughed off the streets.” She cocked an eyebrow at Ladybug challengingly. “Right?”

“Can’t argue with that,” Ladybug said mildly. After all, Chloé wasn’t actually wrong.

“I suppose I could even help with distractions when you two have to leave class to fight akumas,” Chloé went on. “For a small fee.”

“And what would that fee be?” Chat asked. He was deeply amused by this whole thing, which made Ladybug feel more comfortable.

At least, until Chloé glanced up at them and smirked. “Not much,” she said airily. “But it’ll be totally worth your while. Your excuses suck. Right now everyone thinks you skip class to go make out in the locker room.”

Forget comfortable. Ladybug promptly choked on her own saliva and burst into coughs. Beside her, Chat went bright red from the collar of his suit to his hairline. Chloe’s smirk broadened into an amused grin.

“I kinda figured that wasn’t the case, but you know. You can never be sure,” she said.

“We weren’t making out!” Ladybug squeaked between coughs, probably a little too loudly.

“Duh,” Chloé said.

“What do you want?” Chat asked, trying desperately to regain his composure. He deliberately avoided looking at Ladybug.

Chloé pulled her phone out of her pocket and held it up. “Fix your hair, Chat. Ladybug, touch up your lipgloss. It’s selfie time.”

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks! and Quack Pack! Review/Thoughts

Hello errybody, I’ve decided being a huge fan of this verison of Ducktales, and someone who likes reviewing stuff and going on and on at length about it, to review this season’s episodes as they come out, both to get me writing critically again, and to get more non chat content on the old tumblr.  First, while you likely don’t care a little about my history with the ducks; While I , sadly though i’m trying to correct it, haven’t read MUCH of Carl Barks classic donald duck comics nor that of his avid fanboy and clear sucessor in quality and talent Don Rosa, I did read Rosa’s utter classic “The LIfe and Times of Scrooge” mcduck in high school and the story stuck with me sense. I’ll go into Life and Times another day hopefully, but naturally when the reboot was announced I was excited.. a great voice cast, and donald,my boy, as part of the main cast. The show has been a joy to behold and with steven universe having taken a bow JUST a week ago and Covid ravaging our lives, it coudln’t of picked a better time. But do these episodes keep the momentum from an utterly marvelous second half of season 2? The short answer is “Fuck yes” but the long answer is under the cut. 

Challenge of the Junior Senior Woodchucks! While “Challenge of the x” is a popular snowclone title I can’t help but think of superfriends with the title... or now I thought of it shortly before writing this, hearing “Meanwhile at the legion of doom” when they cut to fowl.. or rather “Meanwhile at FOWL” but in that same announcers voice. I”m a dork, that should be obvious But I was hyped for both episodes: Violet is a faviorite mine, I ship her with huey so them interacting for the first time was wonderful to me, and.. okay the subplot didn’t hook me and we’ll get to that, but we had her dads and one of my other faviorites (I have several, get used to it now) , Lena , at least putting in an apperance. And honestly.. the main plot lived up to it. As I said I didn’t really dig the sub plot, more on that in a second, but I REALLY enjoyed this. From the begining Huey was my faviorite of the three triplets, easily, as it’s fairly easy for me a grown ass dork with anxiety, self confidence, anger issues, depression and constant self doubt, to relate to a little duck with the same and I’ve loved Danny Pudi since community, so naturally I was excited for his turn for a spotlight season.  And again the show didn’t disapoint.. Huey has a rather decent arc with some unexpected turns: First unexpectly, the trailer lied as while Huey and Violet look ultra competiive, theirs no real confilct..s econds after that bit the two shake hands (after a good 20 seconds of adorable and hilarous failure to do so that fits both like a glove.), and try to be good sports. The problem is instead internal: As Huey muses to his siblings (Webby very much included, getting her own great bit of encouraging Huey while also assuring Violet she’s also great he just needs it more, which is accurate) “If i’m not hte best junior woodchuck who am I”. Like Louie last season towards the begining (when he didn’t have a clear purpose in their adventuring dynamic) and towards the end (When della nearly took it away from him), he’s nothing without his sense of who he is. It’s easily why he’s the one to comfort him when his other siblings are either torn between two friends or you know, Dewey. Louie knows what it’s like to be rattled about who you are.  And WHY Violet outclassing him rattles him so much is intreating and to me makes a ton of sense: Huey’s identity to me is so wrapped in his intellegence and woodchuckery because , besides being oldest, it’s what he HAS on his brothers. When you think about it, Louie is the charmer, Dewey is charsmaticin his own way and loves hogging attention not to mention being fairly athletic... to stand out Huey NEEDS his brains to be the one with facts, and plans and his book.  He may not be the first on the front lines but he’s the first to solve a trap or figure out where they are if scrooge or his mom hasn’t already.. and if someone’s markdely better at that, and worse in an activity that’s wholy his own and now it’s been revealed impmortant to his mom.. just who is he.  The poor kid simply breaks down at the thought and takes bigger and stupider risks, which is sad to watch.. and thankfully lightned by his delightful mental brekadown in the form of the stephen root voiced JW Guidebook, a talking hallucination who gives huey his knowledge and edge back in the contest.. but it’s STILL not enough. And that’s when the other intresting bit comes into play: Huey.. has a moment of weakness. Despite the guidebook saying to always save your fellow woodchucks when violet gets stuck slipping in a tree.. he does nothing and leaves, despite JW  , whose now become his concious, begging him not to. It’s a sad, well done moment, and one that makes the story richer. Naturally violet escapes and when huey falls off the lava bridge to the finish line in a nother moment of desperation, and after a returning JW burns because apparently ducks and sabrewings are fireproof but imaginary manfestations of knowledge arne’t, she saves him... and is a good friend and woodchuck in NOT chastizing huey for his moment of weakness earlier, but comforting him, revealing she’s tried three times before and adding some more depth to her character: Despite her awkardness with people, she’s a kind, caring person, and gives Huey the lesson he needs: faliure, and the ocasional bout of moral weakness, is okay.. what matters is you learn from it, dust yourself off and keep going. Huey bows out due to this, as while violet is more than willing to let him pass with her, Huey knows he hasn’t earned it, yet, but he can keep trying and that this is her moment, not his. And in that, I feel learns that he dosen’t NEED recognition to be his best self.. he just needs to be a good person and a good woodchuk. I’ts a damn fine story and despite not being the intended premire, works as a great one.. mostly. And also yes I ship them.. as much as two ten-elven year olds can be, but they are adorable and geninley have a good repore.  And before I get to the dispaointing subplot, i’d be an idiot if I left out Violet’s family: We meet her dads, hilariously wearing shirts that say i’m with dad which is also really fucking adorable, and have our first onscreen conformation that Lena’s now her adopted sister, with Lena loudly screaming it in one of the best lines of the episode.. it’s clever to me: it over the top makes sure that we know yes, these men are gay and her parents.. but in a needed way given disney’s tendncy to dance around that or loudly proclaim a minor character no one cares about is gay in a way they can edit out. It’s a great step forward for the channel and the company and good on the crew for going ahead with it and good on disney for not beign dumb about it, nor, like again they have a bad habit of doing, loudly shouting about it to the media. Excellent work. 

Now i’m done rambling about Huey’s psyche and america’s new faviorite gay couple, I gotta get the suplot out of the way: while the whiporwill is freaking adorable as is dewey’s bond with it, otherwise this plot is.. really damn weak: it has some good jokes (Louie’s blunt no when Scrooge asks if hte family wants to fight a bear, Webby’s disapointment when she finds their not walking in the path of literal giants, Donald’s runner with the spy drone mosquito (and Della’s instiance to just let it suck his blood), and Della proving she has the family temper with her own donald brand angry dance) it’s just.. not enoguh. It feels like it’s an oblogiatory plto for the family and while it does set up the season’s overaching plot with a strong character, as it’s intresting learning that Scrooge had an idol at adventuring and thus is following a legacy himself, overall the subplot itself is just there and distracting from the much more intresting A-Story. That being said it was at least sorta worth it for the ending bit where huey and violet suprisingly find launchpad at the end of the trial in a cave.. as do the duckfamily, both groups crying out “Launchpad?!” with launchpad giving out a hilarious “that’s me, i’m launchpad” and while the setup for it was weak, the idea of the family going around the globe to find missing mysteries wile fighting fowl over them is a great concept. Overall a really damn strong start to the season with a weak b-plot and i’m gald even if this isn’t what htey planned to start with it’s what they went with.  Quack Pack: Quack Pack.. is one of disney’s secret shames.. I mean it’s not SO secret as it’s on D+ while this show’s predecessor wonder over yonder and superhero fantasy classic american dragon jake long are not for reasons I sitll don’t get, but that’s a rant for another day. It clashed badly with ducktlaes,was meiocre most of the time (It helps the two episodes I did watch were donald focused as he, a nicely redeisgned dasiy, and their co-worker kent were the highlights), with the boys somehow being more obnoxious than they were at their worst in the original ducktales.  Now that’s off my chest the episode itself.. is really damn good and a nice take on sitcom parody, with the family getting ready for a photo. Dewey’s “since the internet” line in paticular killed because, having watched boths ome of the best sitcoms (roseanne, designing women) and some of the absolute worst (My wife and kids, last man standing,home imporvment etc), most modern ones i’ve seen, even the good ones, have kids written this terrible way. Otherwise though it was highly enjoyable and having Jaleel “Urkel/Sonic the Hedgehog” white here to take the piss out of his former genre as Gene (and doing such a great job I really want to see Gene back next season), is the icing. That and Huey going half insane trying to figure out what’s going on, as well as the unsettling reveal of the studio audience.  Really the ep is a laugh fest, as well as the glorious arrival of goofy who to my relief, wasn’t a hallucination.. which itself is a great gag as is the offscreen internal thought of “okay so now htey ahve to take goofy with them on this deadly adventure all the way back to the states?”. The using of the adults old designs, as well as having dewey do the triplets dance and wear an outfit similar to theirs from “Mr Duck Steps Out” (Which I saw earlier this year and other than daisy’s horrifying early voice it wasn’t half bad). It’s just hard to go into and throughly enjoyable. But analysis right the real meat is in my boy donald: Going into the ep I genuinely expected Dewey to be the obvious source of the wish: while knowing gene was involved meant it was easy to see it was his fault HOW was a good question.. but having Donald do so and throughly enjoyable, and naturally gives us two great gags int he rwo: Donald’s VERY donald response “I wish for that 6 times a day! how wsas I supposed to know I was rubbing up against a magical lamp” and everyone spouting off their catcphrases, all either actual ones, basically something she does all the time turned into one (della) or poor beakly who gets “i’m not a spy” for some reason an dis cross about it. But the fact Donald not only figured it out quickly but wants to stay.. is perfectly in character. Donald in general, and especailly here, dosen’t WANT to be an adventuer anymore: he does it for his family, but he’d probably perfer the tgif lifestyle where problems are minor and solved with heartwarming lessons.. not full of lingering restiments, damage you caused, or loosing a decade of your sisters life and having to struggle to care for her kids. The rest of the familys looks when he gives his reasoning say it all: they really get why he wants this.. but Huey, who nicely got to be the one to break the sitcom news to them on top of everything else, makes an even better one: their lives are who they are.. this.. isn’t real. LIkea tgif sitcom it’s a plastic imitation of life that’s nothing like it: it’s comforting sure since hte real world is fucking complicated and miserable at times.. but hiding from it dosen’t fix things.  And while Donald, of course angrily denies this while his family ends upf ighting the studio audience, it’s Goofy, loveable guest star and everyone’s other faviorite dad, who gets his friend to see the truth: eveyr family has thieir own normal. He and max are  widower and his kid. Just a family of three (I”m counting PJ since , by his tene years at least, Peg is missing, though Iw ish she’d come back as her and goofy would be cute and she deserves better than Pete but whatever, and his dad is an emotionally abusive douchehead). But their happy, they make memories even if goofy like donald can’t walk five feet without the universe, and that’s what counts> it’s a touching sentiment and i’m happy Donald now has a friend whose also a parent and probably made similar sacrifices, and some Donald hasn’t had to just yet and probably won’t now dellas back, but made it through. So donald helps his family fight the  humanoids, take sa picture and it’s just a genuinely sweet ending... a great episode with a great concept that also opens the door for the return of the world’s other best dad more times. And again I want to see him smooch pete’s ex wife. This is the hill I will die on apaprently.. and with that I leave you. it was a good start a fun thing ot dive into and I hope for more.. oh and before I go, while i’m not a GIANT max and roxanne shipper, Idon’t dislike the ship I just don’t hav ea large attachment, it was absolutley WONDERFUL to see that they went to prom together. Okay i’m done, until next week, courage and stay safe. 

[emospritelet]

Twisted Fate - chapter 8

13: “I’m sick of being alone all the damn time”

Please send me a prompt from this list or this list to fuel the angst and smut

[Ch 1] [Ch 2] [Ch 3] [Ch 4] [Ch 5] [Ch 6] [Ch 7] [AO3]

Belle was willing herself not to cry the moment she hung up on Gold, and for the most part she succeeded. It helped to turn off her phone in case he called back, shoving it into her bag and stomping off home. She had worked the early shift at the diner, waiting tables until her feet ached enough to match her back, and the father of her child being a cold-hearted bastard was the final straw. It was raining again, and so she took the bus for part of the journey home. Emma was due to come over for a couple of hours of study, and she wanted more than five minutes to herself before then.

A job that was closer to the apartment would be better, of course, but there again it was unlikely that she would be working for much longer, as much as she hated to admit it. Her meagre stash of money was making her nervous, and she hoped that Gold was serious about helping out. She already had no clue how she would buy the baby everything it needed, although Emma had offered her some of Henry’s old things. It seemed as though her life was nothing but endless worrying about bills, childbirth and college, and she tried to remember how free she had felt before she had returned to Storybrooke two summers ago. Before she was pregnant by a man who cared nothing for her. Surely life had been easier then.

The bus stopped two blocks from her apartment, and so she ducked into a small grocery store to pick up some milk and a packet of cookies. There was no time to have a shower before Emma arrived, as much as she wanted one, but she could make hot chocolate to warm them up. She wanted to dust it with cinnamon and drink it from the large mugs that Gold kept in the cupboards of the apartment that wasn’t really hers. She wanted to eat cookies and wrap herself in a comforting blanket of heat and spice and sugar, looking out over the rain-drenched city.

Marco greeted her cheerfully when she entered the apartment block, and she smiled as she responded. He was a pleasant man, a widower with an adult son that she hadn’t met. She wondered what he thought about Gold bringing her there, but he was certainly too polite to ask her. Just as well, she supposed; she was unsure how to respond.

It was a relief to get into the apartment, and to strip off the leggings and shirt she had worn to work and change them for thick tights and a soft woollen dress. She eyed her round belly in the mirror, turning this way and that. Thus far her pregnancy was fairly compact, at least compared to other pregnant women she had seen, but there again she and Gold were both fairly compact people. Nevertheless, her belly seemed to be expanding by the day, and she hoped the maternity clothes she had bought would continue to stretch with it.

She was just tying her hair up in a bun when there was a knock at the door, and she hurried to answer it, bobby pins still sticking out of her mouth.

“Hey,” said Emma, sounding harassed. Raindrops clung to the shoulders of her coat and the beanie hat she wore. “I brought bear claws, library books and a fuck-ton of stress and self-doubt. Ready to study?”

Belle grinned, closing the door behind her and sliding the bobby pins into her hair.

“I’ll make some hot chocolate,” she said.

x

Three hours later, her eyes were stinging from the concentration, and she closed her book with a thump, sitting back in her chair. Emma mirrored her, yawning as she did so.

“Okay, I’m done,” she said tiredly. “Neal’s gonna be here soon. You get what you wanted out of that?”

Belle wrinkled her nose at her notes.

“I think I need another couple of hours,” she said. “I’ve done the reading and taken notes, and I’ve got the paper outline down, I just need to flesh it out. It’s not due until Tuesday, so I’ve got time.”

“Had any thoughts about how long you’ll keep going for?” asked Emma, and Belle pulled a face.

“As long as I can, I guess,” she said. “The more credits I get under my belt now, the less I have to worry about getting when I have a baby to care for.”

“Yeah, it was the crappy sleep that really killed me,” said Emma. “You think you’re done for the night, and then the kid decides three a.m. is a great time to party.”

“That doesn’t last forever though, right?”

“Right,” said Emma. “Although Henry was never one to sleep through. At least when Neal came back we could take it in turns. Trying to do everything yourself is - well, it’s hard. Take it from me.”

“I think I’m gonna be living on caffeine,” said Belle gloomily.

"I'll be sure to bring some over when I drop off Henry's old stuff," said Emma, with a grin. "You'll be okay. You're like the most competent person I know, you got this."

“Guess I won't have much choice,” said Belle.

“Guess not.” Emma picked up her books, stacking one on top of the other. “Any word from your ex?”

“What, since I told him to burn in hell, you mean?” asked Belle dryly. “No. Pretty sure he’ll be here tomorrow, though. I’m not sure I have the energy to deal with him.”

"Was he always like that?" asked Emma, and Belle shook her head.

"No," she said. "No, he was - I mean he was always closed off, don’t get me wrong. He never let me get close, but we could talk for hours about books and music and food - anything that was impersonal, I guess. And he was - he was interesting, and well-mannered, and polite, and he listened, you know? He'd listen to me talk about my studies, and what I wanted to do in life, and he'd encourage me, not try to bring me down by telling me that I read too much, or that I thought too much. It was nice."

"And then?"

"And then I told him I loved him," said Belle sadly. "And he pushed me away."

"Screw him!"

"That's kind of how I ended up in this mess," said Belle dryly, and they both chuckled.

“But he knows the baby’s his, right?” said Emma. “I mean he has proof now. Maybe he’ll stop being such an ass.”

“Maybe.” Belle sighed, running her hands over her face. “Maybe he won’t say something so offensive I want to punch him in the face. Maybe he was actually in Storybrooke getting a personality transplant.”

Emma snickered.

“What did he say that made you chew him out?” she asked, and Belle scowled.

“He’d clearly been to see my dad,” she said. “So he knew we weren’t speaking, and he was pretending not to know, wanting me to say it, to admit my dad didn’t want anything to do with me. I wasn’t in the mood to be manipulated.”

“Has your dad been in touch?” asked Emma. “Like at all?”

Belle shook her head, and Emma made an angry noise on her behalf.

“You think they had words?”

“I don’t know,” she said, with a shrug. “Guess Alex’ll tell me when I see him.”

She was subdued, fingers twitching on the plastic cover of the textbook, and Emma reached out to squeeze her hand.

"Men suck."

"Oh yeah," said Belle, with feeling. "And believe me, that last thing I want is a relationship right now, but I'm sick of being alone all the damn time. I never thought Dad would cut me off completely. I mean I knew he was mad I decided to keep the baby, but even so..."

“I’m sure your dad’ll come around,” Emma added. “Maybe when the baby’s born.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Belle wasn’t sure if she believed it, but a knock at the door pulled her out of her doleful mood, and she pushed to her feet.

“That’ll be Neal,” said Emma. “I’ll put my stuff away. You want a hand clearing up?”

“Nah,” Belle called over her shoulder. “I’ll do it later.”

She opened the door, smiling as she was greeted by Neal and Henry. Both of them were bundled up against the cold, scarves wrapped around their necks and raindrops clinging to their coats. They had identical brown eyes and ready smiles. At eight years old, Henry was bright and curious, an avid reader with a vivid imagination, and a love of cookies and bagels to rival Emma's own.

“Hey Belle!” he said. “I brought my book! Can I read you another story?”

“Sure!” she said. “You guys look like you could use a hot drink, am I right?”

“I’d kill for a coffee,” said Neal, steering Henry into the apartment by his shoulders. “We should have brought something sweet, right buddy?”

“I said we should bring cookies,” said Henry reprovingly, and Belle grinned.

“I have cookies,” she assured them. “Go on through to the kitchen, Emma’s just clearing up.”

“Thanks. Man, this place is nice.” Neal stopped, looking around himself as he shrugged out of his coat. “This whole apartment is yours?”

“Well, for the moment,” said Belle. “It belongs to Alex. He’s letting me stay, that’s all.”

“Beats the old place."

“Guess that wasn’t hard,” said Belle dryly.

“So, what’s he gonna do when the baby’s born?” asked Neal, following her through to the kitchen. “Move to Boston?”

“I don’t know,” she said, after a pause. “We haven’t discussed it. I mean, he has a whole business in Storybrooke. He owns most of the property there, and he has an antique shop that he runs. It’s not like he can just - not do that.”

“Guess he has enough money that he can do what he wants,” said Neal. “Does he want to be involved with the baby?”

“I - I think so,” she said slowly, getting out clean cups. “From what he says. I don’t know what that means, or how often he’ll want to see the baby, but it’s not like he’s not interested.”

“Well, that has to be a positive, right?” said Emma. “I mean it’s not like he’s just gonna throw money at you and never see the kid.”

“I don’t know,” she said wearily. “If we could be civil to each other for more than five seconds maybe we could work something out.”

“He have family?” asked Neal, and Belle hesitated, hands on the coffee maker.

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “He’s never mentioned any, but then he never talked about anything personal, so who knows?”

“Well, he’ll have one soon,” said Emma, winking at her. “Whether he wants one or not.”

“He’ll have a child,” said Belle. “I doubt he’ll ever see me as anything more than its mother.”

x

After leaving a message for Ella with the test results and some instructions, Gold had booked a hotel in Boston, packed a case and set off on the long drive from Storybrooke. He gave himself a damn good lecture on the way down. Moe French turning his back on his daughter had been unexpected, and he wanted to kick himself for not seeing it, for not figuring it out from the desperate state he had found her in. He wondered how long Belle had been struggling alone. Whether she had had anyone else to turn to. A friend? A lover? Anyone? He would have to try to be there for her now, as ineffective and unhelpful as that would likely be. At least he could take away any financial worries she might have. He may have been a disaster at romantic relationships, but throwing money at a problem until it went away was one thing he excelled at.

He muttered under his breath as he parked the car, walking with a swift, limping stride to her apartment building and giving Marco a brief greeting. Belle didn’t just need money. She needed reassurance that he was going to share in the baby’s life, that he would take some of the burden of care. And they needed to be on good terms, which meant that one of them would have to bend in the face of the other’s hostility. He supposed that person really ought to be him, given that this entire situation was his fault. He tried to keep that in mind as he took the elevator up to the fifth floor and knocked on Belle’s door.

He could hear a murmur of voices inside the apartment, and his eyes narrowed as he tried to make them out. The door was wrenched open, spilling warm light out into the corridor, and Gold came face to face with a man in his late twenties, dressed in jeans and boots beneath a pale blue shirt, open at the neck. He was running a hand through short dark hair, brown eyes eyeing Gold cautiously.

“Yeah?” he said, and Gold raised his chin.

“Good evening,” he said. “Is Belle French here?”

“Who wants to know?” asked the man, and Gold gave him a flat stare.

“Alexander Gold,” he said coldly. “I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced.”

The man’s eyes widened.

“Oh, you’re him,” he said, and glanced over his shoulder. “Belle? Baby-daddy’s on your doorstep!”

Gold bristled, and squeezed the handle of his cane to calm himself. The man looked him up and down insolently, and just then Belle hurried to his side, a little breathless. Strands of dark hair were curling around her neck from the loose bun she wore, and her cheeks were flushed. The man stepped away, letting her fill the space in the doorway he had left.

“What are you doing here?” asked Belle, and Gold examined his fingernails.

“You said we needed a discussion,” he said, and she looked vexed.

“Yeah, but we didn’t agree when.”

“Well, you hung up on me before we could agree on anything,” he said evenly. “So here I am.”

“You want to do it now?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I getting in the way of a pressing engagement?”

The moment the words left his mouth, he wanted to kick himself in the shins, but Belle merely rolled her eyes.

“Fine, come in,” she sighed, and held open the door.

Gold stepped into the apartment, and she closed the door behind him. He was surprised to see a young woman, long blonde hair curling down her back, one hand on the shoulder of a boy of around eight or nine. His brown eyes matched those of the man who had answered the door, and Gold felt himself relax a little. So. Not a boyfriend. Just a friend. Why are you even fixating on this, you moron? Get a fucking grip!

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said, trying to ignore the fact that they were all staring at him as though he was a museum exhibit.

“Oh, we were just going,” said the woman carelessly. “Belle, come over for dinner next week, okay?”

“I’d love to,” said Belle. “Don’t forget your book, Henry.”

Gold watched as the young boy—Henry—snatched up a large hardback book from the couch. His parents helped him on with his coat, the book making the process more complicated than it had to be. Henry was eyeing him curiously.  

“Are you Mr Gold?” he piped up, when his mother had wound a striped scarf around his neck. Gold smiled briefly.

“Yes,” he said. “Yes I am.”

“Mom said you helped Belle to make the baby.”

Gold couldn’t help grinning.

“Yes, I suppose that’s true,” he said.

Henry’s father had put his face in his hands, which made Gold’s grin widen. Eyes flicking to Belle, he could see that she was tugging at her lip with her teeth, a troubled look on her face.

“Are you going to get married?” asked Henry.

“No,” said Belle abruptly, and Gold felt the smile slide from his face like water.

“Uh - not everyone who has babies gets married, kiddo,” said the mother awkwardly.

“But what if Belle gets sick when the baby gets older, and it wants to go on a field trip?” asked Henry seriously. “Who’s gonna sign the permission slip?”

“I’m going to help take care of the baby,” said Gold. “I can sign the permission slip.”

Henry’s face brightened, and he beamed. It made Gold smile again, and something tickled at the back of his mind. Almost like a memory.

“Okay, buddy, let’s go,” said his father, clapping him on the shoulder. “You got your book, right?”

“Yeah. Bye Mr Gold. Bye Belle.”

“Goodbye, Henry,” said Gold, and was rewarded with another smile.

He watched as Henry was steered towards the door by his parents.

“See you Monday, Belle,” said the mother.

“Sure, Emma,” said Belle. “Bye Neal. Bye Henry.”

“Bye!” called Henry, and the door closed.

Belle turned to face him, arms crossed protectively around herself. It drew attention to the curve of her belly and the swell of her breasts, and he thought how beautiful she looked carrying his child. She was eyeing him warily, eyes flicking up at him and away, her teeth tugging at her lower lip. Things had to get better between them. He had to try to make them better.

“Sharp young lad,” he said, gesturing towards the door. “They seem a nice family.”

“Yeah, they are.”

Silence, her words short and cut off abruptly, her gaze cast at the floor. She didn’t want to talk about her friends, didn’t want to let him into that part of her life. He supposed he couldn’t blame her. Feeling awkward, he lifted a hand, let it fall against his leg with a slap.

“Well, shall we get on with it?” he said. “I spoke with my lawyer. There are some questions I need to ask you. If you could answer me truthfully without biting my head off, it’ll probably go easier on us both.”

“Try asking without accusing me of something and I’ll do my best.”

Gold reminded himself that snapping at her would achieve nothing.

“Very well,” he said coolly. “Are you in a relationship? It makes no difference to me, but my lawyer wants to know if you’re seeing anyone, in case it’s going to complicate visitation arrangements.”

Belle let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through her hair.

“No, Alex, I’m not seeing anyone, okay?” she said. “I haven’t been seeing anyone for months.”

“So why didn’t you say that when I asked the first time?”

“I’m saying it now.”

He was silent, fragments of memory floating around in his mind and causing mischief. The sleek red car outside her father’s shop. The tall, muscle-bound man with the dark hair and the perfect smile. The way he had pulled Belle to him and kissed her possessively, as though he owned her. How long had they been together? Not long, if her ‘months’ statement was accurate. Belle was watching him, and suddenly smirked a little, her eyes gleaming.

“Come to think of it, that’s probably the reason I jumped you,” she said lightly. “Been kind of going through a dry spell recently. Did you know that being pregnant with someone else’s kid is a real turn-off for most guys?”

“You astonish me,” he said dryly, and she shrugged.

“Yeah, so I’ve been a little on edge,” she went on. “I guess I got what I wanted, so thanks. That’s all it was.”

“That’s all it was,” he echoed. “Right.”

“You’re not bad,” she added. “Not as good as I remember, but then I guess I’ve grown up a little, hmm? I mean, you’re a little selfish, but I suppose that’s to be expected.”

His hands tightened on the handle of his cane.

“If you’re trying to hurt me, you’re wasting your time.”

Belle barked a humourless laugh.

“Well, I know that,” she said flatly. “You don’t feel anything, right?”

Gold felt his teeth clench.

“Are you done with being needlessly offensive?”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Please tell me what I’ve said that upset you since entering this apartment, and I’ll be sure to apologise.”

“It’s more the fact that you’re here at all.”

Gold bit the insides of his cheeks to keep from snapping out something hurtful, and after a moment Belle sighed and shook her head.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said. “I know we have a lot to discuss. I just - after last time, and our - mistake - I wanted to make sure we know where we stand, that’s all.”

“Right,” he said evenly.

“So - so I know you have zero interest in me beyond being the mother of your child, you’ve made that very apparent,” she said. “And likewise I have zero interest in you beyond you being its father. I just wanted to make sure we were clear on that.”

He had been expecting it, but it still hurt. A sharp, stabbing pain just below his heart, a thin, hot lance sliding deep into his soul. He told himself it was no more than he deserved, and gave her his most wintry smile.

“Oh, we’re crystal clear,” he said softly. “You’re safe from me, Miss French.”

Belle sent him a flat look.

“Stop calling me that.”

“Very well.”

More silence. She was eyeing him warily, and he tried not to sigh in resignation. Her hostility hadn’t lessened, but it was early days.

“I believe we have things to discuss,” he said. “Shall we get on with it?”

Belle nodded, raising her chin.

“You’d better come through to the kitchen,” she said. “And if you plan on being civil for a change, I could even make some tea.”

Gold swallowed the biting retort he wanted to make.

“Tea would be lovely.”

[eunahfmdarchive]

christmas bells.

when: december 24 2019. where: eunah’s living room. mentions: n/a. word count: 736.

tw: eating disorder. tldr: eunah’s family come to visit her for christmas and stage somewhat of an intervention, and they’re relieved at her receptiveness. this is kind of bad but i wanted to get it out before the end of the year!! writing and promoting her mini-album really helped eunah so much in terms of working out what she wanted for herself and what the next steps to get better would be, so this is the follow up to all of the good emotional things ‘mezzanine’ did for her. also her family love her, and she’s got a long road ahead but she’s stepped onto it and i :) 

eunah’s cheeks are flushed pink and laughs escape her throat easier than they have in a long time. looking around her cozily decorated living room and seeing her family’s faces dimly lit up by her christmas lights, there’s such a swelling of joy in her chest. 

they drink, they eat. eunah drinks, and she eats a little. she doesn’t miss the way all four pairs of eyes train on her as she plops a piece of meat into her mouth. eunah swallows her food with a smile - making more of an effort than she has in a long time. it feels excruciatingly heavy when it lands in her stomach, and as much as she wants to panic, eunah makes sure to remind herself that it’s okay. it’s a start. writing ‘mezzanine’ changed something in her. it’s rewarding, cathartic and painful all at once to perform the lyrics she wrote. it’s a strange mix of emotions for her to process, but it’s a useful one too. 

she managed to get a lot off of her chest through writing it, and surprisingly even more through performing it. it’s the closest thing she’s gotten to the emotional release acting provides her while being authentically herself, rather than while submerging herself in a role. eunah came to one conclusion: it’s time to start working on herself. after all these years, after all she’s achieved - because although she’s no wish or fuse member, she has achieved a lot, and she’s able to say that now - eunah has to stop assigning all of her self worth to her weight.

it won’t be easy, but she’s heard that there’s no way to recover but one day at a time, and to do it for yourself. 

“um,” eunah starts, catching the tension in the air. her family aren’t stupid. they see her so infrequently, but they still have eyes, they still know who she used to be. no - who she still is. she hasn’t reconciled those two identities within herself ... yet. she will. she’s still that girl, she’s still happy like she was before, more so these days than ever in recent years. eunah doesn’t get to start her sentence properly before eunji jumps in, shuffling closer to her on the couch and taking her hand.

“eunah, we don’t wanna ruin your christmas but,” typical eunji, eunah has to crack a smile. she wonders if her eldest sister volunteered, or if her parents and eunbin told her she would be the best fit for the job, with her way of making even the most dire of situations just a little lighter. “we’re worried about you.” eunji takes one of eunah’s hands in both of hers and for a second, her expression falters. a quick glance around the room alerts eunah to the fact that everyone else is looking similarly somber. she feels a pang of guilt, biting her tongue to stop herself from crying. it has been easy to ignore their worries all these years with the distance between them. “we know you’re not taking care of yourself. have you considered, like, a therapist?”

tears start to roll down eunah’s face and she quickly wipes them away with the back of her hand, then starts to laugh. she looks from face to face and nods earnestly. “i’ve been thinking about it a lot recently, actually,” eunah admits, choking out something between a laugh and a sob. “really, i have! i ... thought about my life a shit ton while i was writing ‘mezzanine’ and,” she takes a deep breath, and wipes away the last of her tears, barking out a relieved chuckle. “and i’m not. i’m not taking care of myself. i haven’t been for a long time.”

eunbin and her parents leap up from their places, and soon, four pairs of arms are wrapped tightly around her. there are tears, but there’s also laughter, and promises to help her find the right therapist for her. 

it doesn’t take long for them all to settle back into their christmas eve festivities. eunah has to smile. would it have always been that easy? she knows it wouldn’t have been, but it’s good to know that they all have her back. they’ll sort everything out over the next couple of weeks, between ‘me’ preparations, but for the time being, it’s christmas, and they’re all together for it for the first time in years.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: I'm In Love (4x17)

I can't believe it's over! I am experiencing many emotions!

Cons:

I'm trying really, really hard not to let my brain run away with me about all the things we didn't get to see, but that tends to be a problem whenever a show comes to an end. Even if I like the material we got, I feel cheated of what we didn't get. I'm upset that WhiJo didn't get some sort of happiness. I didn't want him and Darryl back together at this point, because it wouldn't have worked within the narrative, but... something. We never got to see Paula's husbands and kids again. There were things from Rebecca's past that were never brought up, like Trent or the professor guy from her college that arguably kick-started this whole thing. I suppose I didn't need to see every little character get a moment to shine, but I wish I could have had it anyway.

I'm usually a fan of meta when it's well done, but Paula going in to Rebecca's head with her was maybe a bit much. They could have done that conversation without that part of it. Also, the idea that Rebecca is "In Love" and it's with herself, and with the community she's formed, is obviously predictable, and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, but I feel like the show sort of wrote itself into a corner a little bit. They spent considerable time trying to get us to believe that Rebecca had to choose between the three guys. I was skeptical, because I thought all along that they wouldn't show her "ending up" with anyone, because it would feel too cheap. But then, that started to feel like the obvious cliche - Rebecca chooses herself, instead of love! I wanted my expectations to be subverted, and they weren't. This was pretty much exactly what I predicted. Rebecca would reject all three guys, and then we'd see that after some time had passed, there would be a hint of future romantic happiness waiting for her. It's a little bit like they tried to have their cake and eat it too.

Pros:

In some ways, I probably should have waited a couple of hours after watching this episode before I started writing about it, because I'm honestly feeling a little bit underwhelmed by it. That said, there were so many individual little pieces that I adored.

With the exception of Rebecca herself, which I'll talk more about in a moment, I think we got a really good balance of "endings" for the characters. Rebecca is sure to point out that finding romantic love isn't an ending, it's just one piece of who you are. But we get to see the mix of people who find romantic love and that's their fulfilling moment - Josh meets a woman, Valencia proposes to Beth. We see that Heather and Hector are still going strong in their marriage, and they don't seem to have any kids or be talking about that, at least for the time being, which is a fun thing to show - it's okay to be in a happy marriage and not want kids. It's also okay to be in a happy marriage and wind up with a ton of kids, like what happens with Darryl and April, who blend their families and have another kid on the way. There's also professional and personal fulfillment. We see that Nathaniel gets out from under his father's shadow and decides to go work at a zoo! That's adorable and perfect! Greg's restaurant is a success, and he feels fulfilled in his career. Rebecca even says that she sees him as a good example of someone who's further along in his recovery than her. And Paula - Paula finds a way to keep her high-powered career that she worked so hard for, while also helping out the women at the jail. It's the perfect way for her character to wrap up on the show.

This episode is a little tricky to review in some ways, because it's not really functioning as its own episode of a TV show. It's really there to be a summary of everything that's come before. I thought "Eleven O'Clock" was an excellent way to bow out, in terms of musical numbers. We see Rebecca remembering all the parts of herself, all of the identities she's tried to step into. With Paula's help, she realizes that this is the answer - she uses music to self-reflect, and she should try to cultivate that as a real skill instead of just letting it happen in her head. It's really the only narrative ending that makes sense for Rebecca's character, and it manages to straddle the line between being purely retrospective, and being completely hypothetical. It's a blending of the past and the future in a way that I found really satisfying. (I maintain that we could have had this ending and a confirmed romantic fulfillment, but I guess I can see how that might muddy the message just a bit).

In some ways, this episode left me feeling a bit unfulfilled, but that final moment, when Rebecca is so joyous and excited to share her music with all of her loved ones, really did give me goosebumps. I can walk away with the show feeling pretty satisfied with where it left most of the characters (I'm bitter about WhiJo, but what else is new?). I can walk away knowing that this show is something I'll treasure for a very long time, and will continue to come back to, and recommend to friends. So, for this final episode on its own, I'll give a rating:

8/10

Before I review the show as a whole, I want to talk about the concert special. It was so much fun. Every actor got a little moment to shine. I loved the song selection, the costumes, the medleys, the way Rachel Bloom pushes the limits of censors to their absolute edge. I think the two most amazing moments for me were "Gettin' Bi" and Bloom's "The Darkness/You Stupid Bitch" combo. For the first one, it's just so great to hear a song like that being performed on a stage with a crowd full of people enthusiastically cheering about it. The bi flag colors were flashing everywhere, and everyone was just having such a great time. (It would have been even cooler if Valencia and Maya had gotten to feature in some way, but I understand that it's Darryl's song!) Then, you have Rachel Bloom talking to the audience and viewers about how writing these songs has made so many people feel less alone. It's so comforting and validating to know you're not the only one feeling a certain way. Seeing the crowd join in on "You Stupid Bitch" was enormously moving for me. I thought they did a great job with the concert special, and I wish it could have been twice as long!

And now... for this show as a whole, I have no choice but to give it a perfect score. Sure, there were episodes that didn't bowl me over with their awesomeness, and I do think that certain parts of Season Four maybe failed to stick the landing slightly. But I'm only saying that because this show is so damn amazing that I can be nit-picky. This show has made me laugh and cry and smile and think. I listen to the music all the time and it always puts me in such a good mood. Rachel Bloom is an incredible artist and I cannot wait to see what she chooses to make next.

10/10

[vermiculated]

baller as all heck, part two

a cool dinner conversation we have at our house is “what if (x), but lady?” below, I have chronicled the results for KJC, one of the Charleses of the YEAR. thus the role of sex in human history is illustrated. 

Also the way some people are into betrothals is the way I am into the use of the term "Miss" so.

The Ruin of Gabriel Ashleigh

Lady Gabriel Ashleigh is, if not exactly beloved of the ton, then at least the object of many a vivid fantasy. She's beautiful, careless with her money, and has just lost the guarantee of her freedom through a bad night at the tables! Now she must discover what she can really do when she puts her money where her mouth is.

Miss Frances Webster has, for all her money, never had the manner to travel in such exalted circles. When she seduces Lady Gabriel over a hand of cards, it is the fulfillment of her own hot desire. Discovering that she is swayed by Lady Gabriel's charms outside of the bedroom, and bewitched by her when they are together, can Miss Webster tear herself away from her weaving works to provide fulfillment of her beloved's every fantasy?

(I maintain that Miss Webster is the sole beneficiary of what we would call 'a trust' and that this totally works for her. This is, I am going to insist all the way though #more nonsense twenty nineteen, the least realistic part of this story.)

A Fashionable Indulgence 

Miss Harry Gordon has lived her whole life on the run and she's never done a wicked thing. All she wants is a warm room and regular meals, not revolutionary proposals and the gloom of night. When she returns to England, she must hide her true identity. Dark forces mass against her and suddenly, Harry finds that if she wants the happy life she has always intended for herself, she must stick to her principles.

In London, Miss Julius Norreys is known for her exquisite looks and icy manner. When she is set to reform young Miss Gordon for the marriage mart, the proposition is easy. This will be all efficiency and at a steep remove from her heart which froze with tragedy. Julius, however, finds herself melting into Harry's arms and unable to resist the pleasures that Harry promises her. Can the Ice Maiden melt into the arms of an unwilling democrat -- and who to invite to the wedding?

A Seditious Affair 

To rise to her place in the Home Office, Dominic Frey has lived as a man. Busy at work with the new sheaf of Acts from Parliament, returning to the respectable boarding-house for very respectable gentlemen, she cannot have what she most desires. A chance meeting results in the burn of passion and the sordid pleasure of submission: from a radical who can slake Dominic's lust and charms her with poetry.

What begins as sordid offer of revenge on someone who can most afford it quickly becomes a thrilling series of encounters for Silas Mason. Her mystery woman refuses names, so Silas knows everything about her -- her mind, her heart, her passion -- without knowing the truth of their association. When secrets are uncovered and Silas' own past endangers the woman she loves, will revelation be enough or must Silas seek revolution?

(The best part of these is writing the TRULY OBVIOUS stinger puns.)

A Gentleman's Position

After a night of passion, Lady Richard Vane knows she can never regain esteem she has lost in David's eyes. Her lust must have driven her mad! In London, Lady Richard must return to her former intimacy with her maid without imposing herself upon that vulpine cleverness and enchanting form.

As the most trusted maid in London, David Cyprian is well-placed to name her price. Information is her currency and she spends it only on Lady Richard's account. She has yearned for her mistress and on a harrowing night in Yorkshire, David nearly has her. Never before so devoted, David is bewildered at the sudden change in Lady Richard: there's nothing David does not know about the mistress she has dressed for years, but could there be something David has denied within herself?

The Magpie Lord

Bothered and grieving, Lady Lucien Crane hasn't been herself: can she trust her beloved to relinquish control?

She's nearly died three times in the last fortnight: her return to England wasn't meant to be this eventful! Commanding the seat, all the money, and the apparent magic powers would make a lesser lady quail. Lady Crane has faced down pirates (a misunderstanding) and raging stallions (unpleasant) but she enlists the help of Miss Day to quiet the malevolent ghosts. Miss Day's calm competence and unflinching directness prove a dangerous enticement to Lady Crane.

Determined and correct, Miss Stephen Day is only ever herself: the thrill of following a rule brings a blush to her cheeks.

In London, Stephen is in her element: the power to draw on is near and she can be lost in the crowd in a moment. When she takes a job for the exquisite Lady Crane, there will be nowhere to hide and no assistance if she should fail. Only Lady Crane's desperate need could compel Stephen to do anything at variance with her own plans. If Lady Crane should desire her, Stephen would give of herself: but not until all dead creatures are safely underground.

(The tension as I imagine it in this series is that Stephen is dtf in her own, fairly conventional way, but she insists that she'll only submit when Crane doesn't need her power any longer. Crane, who likes a long game, sitting around her rooms with bared ankles and her hair all brushed out, intends to have Stephen as she really is, not some pliant and trusting doll. They have a lot of sex over various items of furniture to prove these points.)

Jackdaw

Betrayed and grieving, Miss Ben Spenser searches London for the woman who stole her heart ... and the treasures of her employer.

After her release from prison, Ben should want nothing to do with Jonah. The flying thief has brought nothing but misery to Ben with her enchantments and Ben has lost everything in return. Without a job, family, or connections, Ben is reduced to finding Jonah through lies, the thief's natural habitat. After a torrid encounter, they flee together. Ben must now decide if she can bear Jonah's company, or if she can bear to be parted from her beloved.

Alone in the world, Jonah Pastern has always looked out for herself ... and no one else.

When she left Ben, Jonah was only doing what anyone would. When Ben finds her again, Jonah is torn with sympathy and cannot help herself: she pulls Ben into the air and they escape to Cornwall. In a place of safety, where Ben quickly becomes a pillar of the community, Jonah seeks her love. Ben is her only fixed point, has ever been her only fixed point, and Jonah cannot read her expressions in the sunlight.

(@mysharkwillgoon said that this would be TOO SAD, so please notice another fucking pun.)

A Queer Trade/Rag and Bone

Bewildered and grieving, Crispin Treadarloe has too often found the answer to all of her troubles; Ned promises nothing easy.

With the death of her master in magic and the upheaval of finding his papers used to wrap fish, Crispin's only trying to do right. Apprenticed to a new master, she's determined to succeed without falling back into bad old habits. With enough kindness and bravery, can she redeem herself?

Ned Hall's well-ordered life is upset by the guilty, beautiful Crispin; thrown into danger again and again, can she find the strength to save herself and the woman she loves?

In the dingy environs of her trade, Ned Hall hadn't thought to look for the love of her life. An instant attraction and a monster change that, for Ned entrusts Crispin with her very soul. When Crispin turns to the blood magic of her past, Ned must protect her -- even at the cost of Crispin's respect and their love. With the tide rising and peril looming, can Ned and Crispin save the day?

(This doesn't work so well but it has the Defining Feature of a contemporary in that both heroines have bizarrely specific jobs.)

An Unseen Attraction

Glass eyes, nice thighs...

Finally free of her horrific past, Miss Rowley Green has settled down with her quiet pets and the charms of her landlady. The freedom to be who she wants and to have the beautiful Miss Tallifer tell her what to do -- it could be intoxicating.

Smooth hair, quiet thoughts...

Running a boarding-house is the best that Miss Clement Tallifer can do and she likes to do it well. When the fascinating Miss Green begins to spend more time with her, Clem knows that it cannot last. Nothing good, and kind, and splendid ever does. As the fog descends over London, visions narrow and danger darkens the way...

The taxidermied animals aren't the only ones screaming.

An Unnatural Vice

Virtuous all the way down...

In her family of churchmen and true believers, Miss Nathaniel Roy has lost her faith. She spends her days writing about the truth under a variety of pseudonyms and investigating charlatanism. When a dangerous fraud needs her help, Nathaniel cannot refuse in good conscience.  She has only to be her finest self through two weeks of skulduggery and not fall in love with a thoroughgoing scoundrel who heats her desire like the molten core of the earth.

Wicked to the base...

At the top of her profession, Miss Justine Lazarus could not be less attuned to the spirits. Being a medium is easy: it's all the lying, cheating, and gulling she would do anyway. When the troublesome Miss Roy saves her neck and treats her with respect, Justin is first appalled, and then aroused. Spending a fortnight with a pillar of virtue becomes a pleasure with the application of a little sleight-of-hand.

(I have historical dudes canon fic, 1710s fic, modern au LADIES fic, and a whole opus about Justine Lazarus, but weirdly, no historical canon ladies fic.)

An Unsuitable Heir

Most women don't...

Miss Mark Braglewicz hadn't thought to frighten the delight of her days (and nights) away -- she only meant to solve a murder, a suicide, and a subornment to perjury. As the bodies pile up and the night grows darker, Mark will have to defend the secrets she has chosen to keep, and abandon the others. Will she be able to keep Pen?

But some will...

Miss Pen Starling has reinvented herself before and she'll do it again: being trapped in an awful family is hardly new. When Pen's told that she's the new Earl of Moreton and all she has to give up is everything that makes her who she is, she turns to the delight of her nights to firm her up.

warning: pegging!!

(don't I fuckin wish.)

Band Sinister In the country...

Miss Gaia Frisby has lived a thoroughly respectable life in the country: she has her small circle of friends, good works to do, and her wild imagination. When Lady Rookwood shelters Gaia's brother, Gaia goes to interview the famous lady with an eye toward the main chance. Falling into bed with a scandalous lady who knows precisely how to summon the pleasures of the flesh is one thing -- but can Lady Rookwood outrun her thrills?

Lady Philippa Rookwood is practiced, wearied, and entirely not expecting the pleasure of Gaia's company. A lady of experience, habituated to her own feelings, is a rare joy. Philippa is transported with passion and forgets herself with this beautiful stranger. As her regard for Gaia grows, Philippa knows that what they share is fleeting and she must permit Gaia to return to her home, to her life -- without Philippa.

... anything can happen to anyone.

( @getlouder gave me this book and I’ve written this iteration for PURITY OF CONCEPT.)

Spectred Isle

Since the War, magical activity throughout England has been on the rise. Randolph Glyde, last of the Glydes, is meant to control the ghosts, demons, and frights that walk London. She's battling Hell and bureaucracy; what she needs is deliverance. What she's getting is an increasingly restive spirit world and a loyal archaeologist.

When a mystical oak explodes in front of him, Saul Lazenby is startled. He's more startled by the vision in grey silk who introduces herself with a feigned name and seems to follow him everywhere. As the peril around them increases, Saul and Randolph find that their skills (and their affections) are strangely compatible.

With bodies piling up and traps everywhere, Saul and Randolph must trust each other. Can two scarred, scared decadents trap the great evil which has nourished London for centuries and now finds itself hungry?

(half-credit because there's not an elegant way to get Miss Lazenby out to Mesopotamia, convicted of treason, and back to London working for peanuts in 1924, so Saul's a dude. "dude" is the correct way to refer to a male person in historicals, I'm glad we all agree.)

Unfit to Print

When her father's despicable family turned their backs on her, Gilbert Lawless abandoned society altogether. Now she is the proud proprietor of a Holywell street bookshop -- and no one's good opinion can matter to her. Gilbert has no interest in other people's problems, or in their feelings. Her business is a quiet one, until one day, her dearest friend walks through the bookshop door...

As a typist for the Shad Thames Eastern Association House, Miss Vikram Pandey is accustomed to a variety of unusual tasks. She's a very good typist, a fine thinker, and entirely besotted with the only girl she ever loved, Miss Lawless from school. Miss Lawless' reappearance in Vikram's life is nearly as strange as her vanishing, fifteen years ago, and Vikram must manage her growing attraction to Miss Lawless with the need for the utmost discretion as a (semi-)secret agent. Will Gill be able to let Vik back in, and will Vik take her hair down for Gil?

(Mr and Mrs Pandey are rapidly re-introduced in the second half of the book and are completely uninterested in Miss Lawless' personal history. It's a tasteful dinner party scene and Gil doesn't feel pitiable or strange at all. When Vik rises, submitting to kisses on her forehead from both of her parents, she takes Gil's hand and brings her to the third-story bedroom which looks as much like a bookshop as Gil's own bedroom which is actually in a bookshop. "They adored you," Vik tells her, lifting Gil's hand with a courtly gesture. "I adore you." She kisses the back of Gil's hand.

"I'm adorable," Gil confirms. Vik's lips are impossibly soft and she is slow to rise and terminate the kiss.

please also notice the research: I did the rest of this from memory, but I had the joy of my days look up that fact.)

The Henchman of Zenda

Jasper Detchard has been a hired sword, a thug in the night, a curse on all that is good: the handsomely-rewarded work in Zenda promises a favor returned. Not even the merest flickerings of her conscience are awakened by the wiles of an old friend, and the representations of her newest employer are unimpressive except as they relate to the money he's paying. Who she is really matters not a whit when there's swordplay to be done: her right hand is her closest ally.

Duchess Rupert of Hentzau has played at vice for long enough: she now intends a more serious project. Dressing as a man to do so brings her within touching distance of the reprobate Detchard, as fast with his sword as Rupert is with her heart. Breaking the stalemate over the throne is only the beginning; can Rupert accept Jasper's attentions as well as her wisdom -- or will they lose this battle together?

(This novel has a first-act twist: Jasper is questioned by the evil duke and only at the end of the scene does he mention her creased trousers. Everyone thinks Jasper is a dude -- again, like I said, "dude" is the correct historical term -- and it's up to dashing young Rupert to conceal this during their much-watched tryst. Rupert gets point-of-view chapters so it's clear she's working for Flavia from the beginning, also it is much more romantic.)

Think of England

On His Majesty's Service, Miss Daniella da Silva is much too capable to be entangled in the schemes of an English rose. When thrown in with Miss Curtis, Daniella takes matters into her own hands  and gets them out of a tight corner. The trouble only really starts when Miss Curtis makes her intentions plain: Daniella is an elaborate woman and she cannot permit the lovely Miss Curtis to see the evil that men do.

Miss Archie Curtis has resigned herself to a life of uselessness: when a madman arrives to scream on the drawing room floor, she makes him tea and listens to his story. By taking herself to the lavish estate at Peakholme, Archie will reveal a treasonous secret. When she finds herself uncovering Miss da Silva, a fellow guest, Archie discovers greater secrets as well.

(Archie's arguably a girl's name, it works. Why are 'philippa," 'gaia,' "daniella," and "frances' called different names? same guiding principle as everything else: random whimsy.)

[thecloserkin]

fic rec: in fire, in ice by moirariordan

fandom: Wizards of Waverly Palace

pairing: Justin Russo/Alex Russo

word count: 25k

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: No

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: Like fire

It’s an on-the-run story! Where they get fake married! For real this fic is #sibcestgoals. It’s justifiably the most widely read and influential fic in the fandom, whose influence transcends the fandom itself: the tagline ought to be “come to the dark side, we have incest-flavored cookies.” Say you had a friend who had never read a word of fanfiction in their life. For a starter pack you would hand them something like The Shoebox Project, right? Something accessible, for a pairing that’s ludicrously shippable, something that would rip their heart out and leave them aching for more. That’s what this story is. I would have no qualms recc’ing it to anyone on the street. Just look at the testimonials on Fanlore or on the TVTropes rec page —these people can’t all be incest shippers right?

Wizards of Waverly Place was a teen sitcom that aired from 2007-2012 on the Disney Channel, starring Selena Gomez and David Henrie as the titular brother-and-sister wizards. They have parents and a younger brother too but for shipping purposes Justin/Alex is the six-ton orca whale in the room. Justin is two years older, boring and responsible; Alex is the wild child. There’s a lot of banter and a lot of snark and it’s that dynamic where the older male does everything by the book and the younger female character categorically refuses to even crack open the spine of a book. There was a made-for-TV movie in 2009, and 87% of people who caught it while channel-surfing came away under the impression that the male lead was Selena Gomez’s boyfriend. I know this because I conducted a highly scientific poll, obviously.

Let me say upfront that I love this story but every time I read it it’s like I just watched Schindler’s List. It’s literally a story about a wizard Holocaust.

It starts with an old man who accidentally torpedoes the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy (or the in-universe equilavent). It’s important to emphasize how he gives the game away, which is by conjuring a specter of his dead wife, one that unfortunately winds up outliving him; when the police broke his door down they found her weeping over his corpse. He loved her so much he preferred a flimsy facsimile over the lack of her. Or is it that he loved her so little he would settle for a cheap echo? Either way, love is the downfall of the wizarding community. The tension between love and magic is at the heart of this fic, for love is about sacrifice and at its root, so is magic.

The muggles’ initial reaction is consternation. The dead old man was unfortunately in possession of an extensive and illegal magical library, and pretty soon “every New Age hippie who ever read a deck of tarot cards” descends on New York City to pore over it. Consternation turns to fear turns to anger/mistrust turns to outright persecution of wizardkind.

Alex keeps waiting and waiting for someone to do something, to stop it, to make it go away, but nothing happens.

Alex is still in high school. There are people out there every day braying for her blood and calling for her family’s heads on spikes. Plot happens.

“Is this a good thing?” she asks, because Justin always knows what’s good and right and what’s not, and she really needs to know. He’s silent for a very long moment. “I don’t know,” he says, and for some reason this is more terrifying than anything.

She’s relied on Justin all these years to be her moral compass and when he admits he’s at a loss her whole world crumbles. They’re not canonically codependent, I think, but Alex does a lot of shit she wouldn’t otherwise if she wasn’t relying on Justin to bail her out. Likewise Justin resents how Alex’s raw gumption allows her to brazenly bluff her way through stuff he has to work his tail off for. I think Justin gives himself less credit than he deserves because Alex is right, he is insanely smart and talented. There’s an actual no-word-of-a-lie witchhunt going on and Justin still manages to graduate valedictorian.

There’s an underground railroad of sorts that smuggles wizards out, endowing them with new identities and new memories. The Russos grow desperate after Justin and Alex’s mom falls pregnant, but for plot reasons they can’t all be relocated so Justin and Alex stay behind. There are tearful farewells. The plan is to wait until Alex finishes high school, then rejoin the rest of the family. Things get even darker, but Justin “makes her smile like it’s his job.” LIKE IT’S HIS JOB. My friends, this is the good shit right here.

They eat in his room, most of the time, and do homework. Alex knows that he finds it soothing.

It’s a ritual, don’t you see? Other people meditate; Justin does homework. Alex does it too to keep him company. In fact Alex spends a lot of time in Justin’s bed. She’s always falling asleep there or waking up there and it’s not sexual but it gives you an idea of where her head’s at. Once, she slams out of the living room during an argument, and after a disorienting moment realizes it’s not her room she’s retreated into, it’s Justin’s. Her subconscious has obviously decided Justin’s room is the safest sanctuary there is.

Justin takes her out to dinner to celebrate her grades

IT’S A DAAAAATE only neither of them know it yet haha!

When Alex’s lifelong BFF announces she’s joining the Youth Nazi and invites Alex to join up with her, Alex runs away to a bench in Central Park. Justin shows up in short order:

“How’d you find me?”

“Are you kidding? You always come here when you’re upset.” He sits next to her. “Remember the time you ran away when Mom and Dad wouldn’t let you get a ferret?”

Nobody is conflating the pain of being denied a potential pet ferret to the pain of being deemed subhuman by one’s best friend, but the point of this scene is (1) that Justin gets her, in all her melodramatic over-the-top pettiness, and (2) Justin notices and remembers which bench she prefers — it’s a big gorram park after all. Eventually the political situation comes to a head and Justin and Alex decide it’s not safe to stay in New York City any longer, and they gather up their cash and bounce. Once they leave they have no way of getting back in touch with their parents but they have no choice; it’s too dangerous to stay:

They sleep in cheap motels and pay in cash under fake names, staying under the radar as much as possible because they’re not sure what else to do. They run out of cash in Maryland and get a decent hotel room under the fake account name.

They stop in Indianapolis to celebrate Justin’s twentieth birthday. Alex scores some champagne with one of the fake IDs she’d snagged before leaving New York and they drink it in a hotel room, the TV off and knees touching on the bed

They make it to Denver and get a small apartment and tell everyone they’re newlyweds and Alex dyes her hair red

OMG THEY’RE FAKE MARRIED I AM DECEASED

p sure there was also blink-and-you’ll-miss-it bedsharing in the hotel room

Alex’s hair color is a solid proxy for her state of mind

They save half their money each month in case they have to run again, and for a little bit, things are kind of nice. After her shifts, Alex will walk to the library where Justin works and sit at a table behind the corner with him, reading history books and novels.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you Alex Russo, the girl who a few months ago wouldn’t know which end of a book was up. She learns to love BOOKS and LIBRARIES on JUSTIN’S account and that is everything. Well, this is a nice respite but it doesn’t last and they have to keep running because Alex is assaulted at her waitressing job by a creepy customer who won’t take no for an answer. It’s a highly unrealistic stranger-in-a-dark-alley attempted assault situation but I will let that slide because the point is she instinctively spews magic in self-defense, which of course will bring the authorities down on them in no time. She’s scared shitless and she runs straight into Justin’s arms, the only place she feels safe:

Justin nearly freaks when he sees her, dragging her into the back office and touching her face, her arms, over and over as if to reassure himself that she’s okay. He sees the scrapes on her back and frowns, pulling off his soft cotton jacket and wrapping it around her as she explains what happened in a monotone voice. “We have to go,” she says, “tonight.” He nods and kisses her nose. “You did what you had to do,” he says, and something tight unravels because he’s not mad.

There is so much tenderness in that nose kiss. I feel like they’ve been partners for a long time but this is where it really clicks that Justin’s not “in charge” anymore, he’s not the older brother who knows best, they’re just two teenagers clinging to each other on a life raft because they are everything the other has left.

“The baby must be three years old now,” Alex muses. The champagne they’re drinking isn��t nearly enough to get them wasted, and she suddenly wishes that they were the type of people who get drunk. “Max is fifteen. In high school.”

This made me so sad, how they used to be a five-person family unit and now Alex and Justin are cut adrift and they’ve formed a unit of their own but they’ll never stop missing the others.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you with straight hair since New York,” he says when she emerges from the bathroom. He flicks her bangs away from her face. “You usually look like a street urchin.”

All the hairstyle changes for disguise purposes but she’s still his sister underneath. He’d know her anywhere. Here’s the scene where they first kiss — they’re standing on their own doorstep, having gone out to celebrate his birthday, and Alex (as you would expect) initiates it:

He narrows his eyes at her and she looks, looks, because she can’t have read this wrong – no, she didn’t. There is nothing in the world that she knows better than Justin – his face, his body, his head, his mind, his heart.

Yesssss I need it like air. Later:

(They don’t talk about what happened on his birthday, but they’ve started asking for single rooms.)

Eventually they settle in rural Italy, which I guess doesn’t have the same 24-hour surveillance panopticon that we have here in the USA so it’s easier for wizards to slip through the cracks. I like to imagine them in in the Tuscan hills. Justin is a schoolteacher and Alex a graphic designer. They remain for many years below the radar, until Alex is recruited into the Resistance to help smuggle other wizards out through the Underground Railroad the same way she and Justin were smuggled out. She feels a moral obligation to do it, even if it kills Justin to watch her diving repeatedly into danger and him unable to follow.

She’s never been that great at protecting people, she knows. When she was seven and Justin was nine, there’d been a bully that lived in the apartment  building across the street who used to try and steal her lunch money every day, and every day she would offer Justin’s in return for her own relief. When she was twelve and he was fourteen, they broke Theresa’s glass statuette from Barcelona during a fight and she blamed him without a second thought, and when she was seventeen and he was nineteen, she let him pass up freedom in order to protect her and she will never forget all that he gave up the day he made that decision.

Alex’s great grief is that Justin has given up an assuredly brilliant future, in which he would have shone as a superstar and had his pick of careers, in exchange for being hers.

“You’re so smart, and grown up and good and – and handsome, and I’m irresponsible and immature and –“

She sees his being with her as a sacrifice. She doesn’t know anything about sacrifice yet. She finds her parents living in the same apartment in New York they fled so many lives ago. They’re waiting for Justin and Alex to come back, or send word, or something. It exposes them to an acute degree of risk, of course. Alex orchestrates the Resistance mission to evacuate/relocate her parents, but she does not reveal herself nor reconnect with them. She lets them go. It’s unclear why, although I suspect it would be tough to have a relationship with them without dealing with the elephant in the room, the fact that she and Justin are now together. Yet I think it was important for her to see her parents one last time, because it gave her closure. After she returns to Italy she and Justin welcome their first child. The baby is a mini-dynamo and a nexus of magical potential, sending up trails of rainbow sparks even in utero, so Alex makes the painful decision to give up her powers for good. This means she will be mortal, and so will the child, and any future children or grandchildren. It also means she and Justin will be allowed to stay under the radar and hang onto the life they have painstakingly built. Remember how I said that the root of both love and magic is sacrifice? This is the sacrifice that defines Alex Russo, that she was willing to give up magic -- the thing that has shaped her identity for twenty-odd years -- in order to be with Justin.

[bxbydcll]

i can never be on time to these things wow but hello i’m home from work and now i’m here to introduce you to my genderqueer little baby.... doll kennedy. ( will also respond to kenny, ken, and definitely baby asjkals ) ! i’ve played them only once before so i’m really excited to be bringing them back to life with a whole new lil story and everything !! without further ado, here’s kennedy!

tw neglect, manipulation / abuse

[ MITCH GRASSI, TWENTY TWO, & THEY/THEM ] KENNEDY TATE is known as the BABYDOLL around denver. they’ve lived here for FIVE YEARS and are a BEAUTY/FASHION YOUTUBER. SLEEVES DANGLING PAST THEIR FINGERTIPS, ROSE GOLD EYESHADOW, HAND-WOVEN FLOWER CROWNS, SANDPAPER KITTEN KISSES, AN APARTMENT FILLED WITH FLOWERS . [ NAT, SHE/HER, 18+, CST ]

kennedy didn’t grow up in a BAD household so to speak. their parents were just lowkey stoners who kind of forgot they had a child

so they’d just??? wander outside at like 5 years old and come back with a snickers bar like it was nbd?

became gifted at petty theft and doe eye blinking their way out of trouble

lowkey a perfectionist and has to have things neat and tidy

was kind of bullied at school because, self raised, kennedy had no sense of discipline and/or social norms so they were constantly wearing inappropriate things bc gender roles exist but not to them and their parents couldn’t really be bothered to y’know… help???

grew a tough backbone through the exploration of their own gender identity and kind of said fuck it to all the other kids

fast forward to a 15-16 year old kennedy getting into their first relationship. this individual was older and exciting and for once in their #yung life, kennedy was being paid attention

felt important and pretty!

felt POWERFUL!

but they were being groomed and as soon as this boyf had kennedy wrapped around their finger with his charm and his wit, things turned toxic

it was hard for kennedy to piece together what was going on. they hadn’t really a stable relationship to base their own experience off of and it was so nice to be wanted. it didn’t occur to them that a) they were too young to be in this serious a relationship and b) this person was a total jackass

lots of verbal put downs, possessiveness, pressure to be perfect and always available, essentially treated as an accessory to him instead of a person of their own

their boyfriend kind of stifled the self expression they’d been starting to explore through fashion and makeup so they felt like they had to keep it a secret? stealing highlighters and lippies from the local drug store, that kinda thing.

they were willing to put themselves on the backburner if it meant staying in this “great” relationship but something felt wrong about it. it knocked their self esteem back a few pegs.

momentarily, they were able to forget it when, at 17, their boyfriend relocated them to denver!!

they were in a new place with new people and it was really exciting. they didn’t have many friends at home ( see, the bullying and the control this guy had over kenny as the reasons tbh ) so they were hopeful this would be the fresh start they needed.

once they were settled in, they were determined to branch out! it was difficult at first but eventually the independence they exhibited as a little tot resurfaced -- it helped that their boyf was out a lot

kennedy met someone about six months into their stay in colorado who changed everything. they opened kenny’s eyes to the manipulation they were undergoing at home with their boyfriend AND the neglect they had experienced as a young child. basically, this person was kennedy’s best friend and the kind of gentle influence someone like them needed this whole time. (potential plot but also fine as an NPC)

i have it headcanoned that at one point this person was a little in love with soft and pure little kennedy but it never went anywhere.

ANYWAYS

this person convinced kennedy to break up with their boyfriend and let kenny live with them for a little while!! eventually kennedy started up a youtube channel doing the one thing that brought them more joy than anything else : makeup!

the fashion part came later, once they found a pinch more confidence and felt comfortable saying ‘no thank you’ to gendered stereotypes

personality wise kennedy is literally a soft child? hence the babydoll label. i’m opting for the interpretation that doesn’t have the sexual connotations attached and instead kennedy is just like gentle and pure and seeking love and attention. they love makeup and fuzzy blankets and oversized clothes and piggyback rides. like everyone’s pesky little sibling, they’ll ask really untimely questions about really personal things

LOVES to flirt. loves telling people they are pretty and loves like platonic kisses? often gets into trouble by kissing pretty people in bars and having no intention of following through (bc of their shit relationship tbh) though they will give but not receive if you follow

their youtube channel is actually flourishing. they do videos mostly about makeup, fashion and apartment hauls but they also touch on lgbt issues and have become a queer icon in their community. drama free and very sweet.

the only time they are not this little bucket of love is when they are lost in their thoughts. i mean, they really did have a rough childhood and an even rougher relationships. kennedy can get really down in their own head sometimes but they’ve been using their job and all the perks its slowly earning them to make it a little better

money can’t buy happiness but it can buy some very pretty things instead!!!

that was really long and i’m running on empty but i’ll put a few quick lil facts below as well as some possible connections!!

BLONDE they are very blonde and love to keep their hair bleached platinum

kennedy’s bedroom is where they film so that’s fully furnished and decorated but the rest of their apartment is pretty minimalistic

fills the empty space with TONS of flowers and plants because they like to feel like a woodland nymph (same) and it smells lovely

they’re a pretty decent baker and enjoy making baked goods for people in their apartment. can’t cook tho

very trim in frame and small in stature

wears lots of pastel colors or whites most of the time but likes a good black outfit too

has a munchkin kitten named venus

interacts with fans / followers constantly ; even though their channel is swiftly growing, they don’t want to become one of those lofty unobtainable yt celebrities. they especially like to help out fellow queer makeup wearing folk or those going through abusive relationships as well

is currently in therapy now that they are in a place to afford it

hasn’t dated since their ex but definitely... has an interest. kind of a hopeless romantic in that sense.

sexually uncertain but sexuality predominantly interested in men or masc individuals

genderqueer for sURE but pronouns wise they’re... predominantly they/them but can feel masc or fem some days and so pronouns wise it’s a non issue if you slip into something different. they’ll just refer to themselves mainly with them/them

CONNECTIONS !?

BEST FRIEND & CONFIDANT/ former roommate

maybe a current roommate ana

follower / fan

unrequited crush nic

platonic kiss partner

childhood friend ( from new york )

someone who knew their ex

makeup model / someone they help style

someone they brush paths with on the daily

an almost hookup could be fun

catsitter!

protective friendship

bad influence

#squad / helping kenny branch out

movie buddy

OKAY THATS ENOUGH FROM ME if you made it this far a) tell me and b) love me & plot with my baby please and thank you

[cheeseeatingtrashmonster]

Something Breakable

Nelix Week day 3: First Date.

Read the whole month on AO3

This is dedicated to the spouse-human for helping me come up with this idea. Our first date was WEIRD.

First Date

"Stop that," Felix said. There was no bite to his voice so Nino ignored him.

"I got your tie in that shot," Nino said, working on getting a new camera angle to capture the beautiful dinner and table setting before him. He glanced up at the smile Felix was suppressing. Oh yes, overall, a very nice sight in front of him.

"I don't even like this tie. Delete that one," Felix said.

"You don't?" Nino asked, taking one more picture that most definitely included Felix's tie again. "It's a good color on you."

"Really?" Felix asked, running a hand over the tie. He hoped that if his face was as red as it felt that Nino would blame the excessive heat in the restaurant.

"Yeah. You look nice tonight."

"I showed up in my work clothes."

Nino shrugged. "You still look nice."

Felix managed to stutter out a "thank you" just as their waiter came to check on them. By the time they were alone again Felix felt less flustered. Felix usually felt like he did a good job of acting normal around Nino, but every now and then Nino said something like that and it felt like the world was thrown off its axis for a few minutes. Felix Agreste had it bad for Nino and there seemed to be nothing he could do about it.

"So how's that new work project coming?" Nino asked. "Will this be the app that gets you the investment money to start your dance school?"

"I seriously doubt it," Felix said. He went on to explain what the app did and why he didn’t give it a high expectation of success. Nino didn’t understand all of it, but Felix had gotten better at figuring out when he was leaving Nino behind and explaining better. It was a far cry from a few months ago when Felix would alternate between giving the shortest, vaguest answers possible and rambling at length about something Nino had never heard of before.

“Enough about that,” Felix said after a minute. “How’s the club?”

“Not all that interesting,” Nino said. “I got new headphones. I learned how to repair one of the stage lights. One of the regular bartenders got into a screaming match with his manager and quit.”

“That sounds interesting. It wasn’t the tall, skinny man with the eyes that-”

“-that look like they’re staring into your very soul?” Nino finished. “Yeah, him.”

“I’m not surprised.”

They chatted a bit more about work before moving on to family, and then onto books they had been reading and the play that Nino had dragged Adrien and Marinette to see the week before. Before too long they were walking in the crisp fall air through the nearby park.

“So, is DJing it for you?” Felix asked, taking in the color of the leaves and the smell of autumn and the wet squelch of his shoes on the damp leaves covering the path. “I know it’s been your goal for years, but I always got the feeling you didn’t think of it as long term once you achieved your goal.”

“You’re right,” Nino said. “I figure I can only keep this schedule up for another year or two before I’m craving a more normal sleep cycle and less deafening work environment.”

“Do you have plans for when that time comes?”

“I haven’t told anyone yet but I’m considering book editing. I’ve been taking those night classes I mentioned? And I’ve already been asked to work as a tutor for the literature department. I really like reading, and I really like helping people troubleshoot the stuff they’re working on. I know it’s not necessarily the easiest line of work to get into, but… I dunno, it excites me.”

“I think you’d be great at it,” Felix said. “Why haven’t you told anyone?”

“Most people think that since I was so set on DJing from such a young age, it’s the only thing I should want to do. I guess I’m just expecting a lot of judgement for it.”

“Anyone unwilling to support you in whatever you decide is important to you is unworthy of your time and attention.”

“Has that been your philosophy with the dance school thing?” Nino asked, taking on a teasing tone. “Every time someone says something negative about it, they become unworthy?”

“The comment that irritates me most is when someone questions my ability to work with children. I love children. They’re honest and have had less time to develop ridiculous assumptions. I am Nath and Chloe’s on-call babysitter, I’ll have you know.”

“To be fair, I think when they started dating, I remember them telling you that you became automatic godfather of their children because you set them up in the first place, so the on-call babysitter thing doesn’t surprise me in the least.”

As they wandered the paths they continued to talk about the future. Felix's dance school plans, what Nino would probably miss about DJing when he left. Eventually ended up at the unofficial halfway point between their apartments.

"Would you like to come back with me?" Felix asked. "Marinette is out, possibly for the rest of the night. I have that book I was telling you about, if you'd like to borrow it."

Nino shoved his hands in his pockets to try and cover how flustered he felt. It was a simple question. He had hung out with Felix alone in his apartment tons of times. What made this time different?

"Yeah, sounds good."

There! Simple, to the point, no worries!

And then he tripped and almost fell on his face.

"Alright there?" Felix asked, grabbing Nino's arm as he stabilized.

"Fine!" Nino said, becoming much too aware of every point of contact between Felix's hand and his arm. How were his hands so warm in this weather? "Just channeling Marinette, I guess."

"I get enough of her," Felix said, throwing an arm around Nino's shoulders. "She's a great roommate when she's deep in a project or rage-cleaning, but I could do with fewer anxiety spiral rants and broken dishes."

Nino stopped and turned to look at Felix without dislodging the arm holding him close.

"Felix."

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Complaining about Marinette? She's aware of these issues, I'm not talking about her behind her back or anything. And she's made clear to me what parts of living with me are less than-"

"Dude. Your arm. You're voluntarily touching me."

Felix tried to pull away, but Nino wrapped an arm around his back and held him in place.

"You act like I've never showed you the slightest affection before," Felix said, relaxing just a bit as they continued walking.

"You definitely haven't. I'd have remembered that." Wait, did that give too much away?

Whether he had or not, Felix let that comment go as they entered his apartment building and he fished out his keys.

“Whatever happened to that cello thing you were working on?” Felix asked as he unlocked his front door.

Nino laughed. “I had forgotten about that one. I swear, you remember my projects better than I do.” He pulled out his phone as he kicked off his shoes and brought up the recording. “I actually finished it, but by the time I was done with it I hated it.” He hit play and cello music filled the apartment.

"It's missing something," Felix said as he cleared Marinette's things from the couch. "Something to drink?"

"Water, please."

They settled on the couch, the book Felix had offered to loan Nino forgotten as they tried to figure out what was missing from the cello recording. It was nice, but Felix found himself a little too preoccupied with the way Nino's glasses moved when he scrunched his nose and how he would mime the motions to play certain parts of the cello piece and how soft his lips looked and how Nino's eyes would linger on his own face at times. He wasn't much help, but he didn't much care so long as Nino didn't look like he was planning to leave any time soon.

The front door banged open and they heard Marinette swear as she shut the door as quietly as possible. When she reached the living room she waved and gathered up the things Felix had moved off the couch.

"How was your date?" Marinette asked. "I saw the pictures of your dinner. Felix, I can't believe you didn't say anything beforehand! You were so calm before you left, you're usually a mess before dates."

Nino was vaguely aware of his glass slipping from his hand and shattering on the floor, but seeing as he couldn't feel his fingers, it didn't really surprise him.

"I thought you were doing something with Adrien tonight," Felix said, jumping up to get a towel for the water and a broom for the glass shards.

"I did, but he has an early morning flight to the next filming site. I didn't know you guys were coming back here, so I'll just disappear into my room and you two pretend I'm not even here, okay?" She grinned at them. "I'm so glad this finally happened. I love you both, but if I had to listen to either of you pining after the other for another minute I was going to lose my mind. Have a good night!"

Felix gathered up the remains of Nino's glass and swept until he was sure all the fragments were gone. With mechanical movements he returned the broom to the cupboard and sat back down next to Nino.

"Did I miss something?" Felix whispered. "Did I completely miss something?"

"Was that a date?" Nino asked. He turned to Felix suddenly. "Wait, did you want it to be a date? Which of us came up with the idea of dinner?"

"Oh, I've moved on from the fact that neither of us realized we pretty much just went on a date," Felix said, still facing forward. "Marinette said that we both were pining."

Nino covered his face with his hands and sighed. "And she didn't think to tell either of us?" He looked at Felix again. "After all the drama she and Adrien went through?"

"They at least had secret identities preventing them from figuring it out," Felix said, turning to Nino with a self deprecating smile. "It turns out I was doing a better job hiding my feelings for you than I thought."

"So, just to confirm," Nino said, feeling his face heat up, "you have feelings to hide in the first place?"

"Nino," Felix slid a little closer on the couch. "That was the best first date I've ever had, and not just because I didn't know it was a date and therefore couldn't self-sabotage myself from nerves."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Then let me know if this does," Felix whispered, leaning in to kiss Nino. He intended it to be a quick kiss to gauge Nino's interest. He didn't expect Nino to respond immediately, putting one hand on Felix's knee and the other cradling the back of his head. They kissed until they were breathless and Nino pulled away.

"I guess that answers my question," Nino said.

"I would hope so," Felix said, letting his eyes map every feature of the face before him.

"Can I retroactively ask you out, making tonight our first date?" Nino asked.

"I don't think it works like that," Felix said. He looked around the room, thinking for a moment. "But if you want, I could put on a movie, and the rest of the night could be our first date?"

This time when Nino said, "Yeah, sounds good," the stakes were higher but he had never felt less nervous.

When Marinette found Nino and Felix asleep and cuddling on the couch a few hours later, she covered them with a blanket, turned off the looping DVD menu, and texted Adrien that her plan to pretend she thought they had been on a date had worked perfectly.

[0blivion-laughs]

RAY CAESAR

Many call Ray Caesar the Godfather of Digital Art, and his process is completely digital from its beginning through the printing stage. Though he is certainly seminal in his oeuvre, it is his fantastically disturbing content that has made him a cult favorite, from collectors like Madonna and Elton John to the population at large who not only know of his heartache, but embrace it. Caesar frequently talks of suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder. Combine this with his time working in Art and Photography Department of The Hospital For Sick Children in Toronto and you are faced with a sea of controversial imagery.

“When you grow up in a dark place filled with fear and pain and cruelty, there is a tendency to find hidden places of pleasure and beauty within that world of the night,” mentions the artist. “I have always thought that the greater potential for evil and darkness that there is an even greater potential for good and light. There is a natural inner drive within the human mind to find balance in any situation and find ways of coping in a sea of turbulence. We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for and when our conscious mind cannot handle something overwhelming in the darkness of the real world, our subconscious becomes very creative and takes its own path into an inner light. For me art is an expression of living in that duality and a visual voice to express fear and rage and sadness… and hope and calm and ultimately, love.”

SALAD DAYS

I was born in London, England in 1958, the youngest of four and much to my parent’s surprise, I was born a dog. This unfortunate turn of events was soon accepted within my family and was never again mentioned in the presence of polite company.

I was a rambunctious youth as was natural to my breed but showed a fine interest in the arts as I drew pictures incessantly on anything including the walls and floors of every room of our tiny house. After some trouble with intolerant neighbors, my family was convinced to move to Canada and it was not long before the burgeoning town of Toronto became our new home. Unfortunately the drawing continued to become somewhat atypical and aberrant and it was  impressed upon me that such images might not be suitable for public viewing. In the summer of 69, there was a valiant attempt to stop me from doodling infamous contemptible fascist dictators upside down on my stomach with a ballpoint pen. I was consoled however by the encouragement to continue penciling in faces of flamboyant cowboys such as Gene Autry, Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger and Tonto on my toenails but was expressly forbidden to talk to them at night. It can be said that there are defining moments in a dogs life that can only be described as pivotal. Mine came when I received a gift of a flesh toned 12 inch plastic movable human doll attired in cheaply made military fatigues called “GI Joseph”. I however named him “Stanley Mulver” and immediately resigned his commission from the light infantry. My Mother helped in this by sewing small business suits and leisure wear out of leftover Christmas fabric embroidered with holly and snowmen, tinfoil shoes and one tasteful Safari suit made of tight fitting powder blue rayon that proudly shone cobalt in the summer sunlight. It wasn’t long before I had begun making enlarged wigs out of gray plasticine. These wigs soon became huge pompadours for Stanley and looked even more grand when I meticulously imbedded small hairs from my daily body and face shavings. This hirsute practice along with walking upright allowed me to fit in with other children even though my father considered it a waste of time. In short, Stanley had become a visage of the Man I could never be, of that elusive self one sometimes glimpses down the tunnel of infinite reflected mirrors. Although ridiculed by my peers, I proudly wore Stanley around my neck at all times as if to say “SEE! This is the man I will be, a good man, a kind man”. I have worked in many fields over the years, attended obedience classes and art colleges, jobs designing horrible buildings in architectural studios, medical art facilities, digital service bureaus, suspicious casino computer game companies, eventually working at computer modeling, digital animation and visual effects for television and film. Some award nominations have been attained and I have been driven in long black liquor filled limousines and walked on hind legs down red carpets in Pasadena while wearing strange smelling rented tuxedos. Things change and summer years come to an end. My change occurred one night when my Mother visited me, which was slightly unusual because she had passed away some months before, a victim to the cigarette habit she could never quite lick. Facing a wall and slowly turning I saw the right side of her face ablaze in light, her hand trying to cover the light as if she were apologetic for having it seep through. Words were said about following rabbits down holes and I was shown galleries of work which were to be my own. My Mother was not the first visitation I have had and it seems she will not be the last. I live in a brick house with my wonderful wife Jane and a coyote called Bonnie. I like eating avocados and I don’t really mind being a dog.

THE HOSPITAL FOR SICK CHILDREN For 17 years I worked in the Art and Photography Department of The Hospital For Sick Children in Toronto from 1980 until 1997. I worked in a department that documented such things as child abuse, surgical reconstruction, psychology and animal research. They were years that I will never forget, years of witnessing great sadness but also great miracles. I often awake in the middle of the night and realize I have been wondering the hallways and corridors of that giant hospital. As I lay there in the dark, I struggle to remember the fading words of those that still haunt my memories of so many years ago. It is so clear to me that this is the birthplace of all my imagery. It is appropriate that I now live my dreams for those that didn’t get a chance to live theirs…. to do otherwise would be a sin.

Much of my work at the hospital was tedious and boring in that I produced tremendous amounts of statistical data before the advent of computers  and dealt with a lot of sensitive photographic material and work for publication. Another part of my job was overwhelming in that at any given moment I could typically find myself hovering over a tiny premature infant covered with tons of equipment. I would have to sift through the equipment to make a technical diagram, a teaching tool to allow intensive care nurses to have some idea of all that tangle of machinery that kept that tiny infant alive. Other times I would have to draw a similar thing of some poor animal in the research dept that had the misfortune of being a lab animal. To this day I have developed a profound love for animals that is very important to me. On a few occasions I dealt with forensic material for the court or sensitive medical documentation that would for me be overwhelming. I worked on board games and flash cards for brain damaged children and some of the early computer animations of the cryogenic removal of a brain tumors. Teaching hospitals are like tiny cities and whenever you think you have seen it all, reality slaps you in the face and shows you something that makes you re-evaluate everything. I learned in my life that human hands can be cruel and unkind but more often they can perform heart surgery or write a check to build a new wing of a hospital or just simply brush away a child’s tear.” Miracles do exist but they are often the product of our own actions and the incredible work of of the unsung heroes that care for children.

MY PROCESS

I create models in a three dimensional modeling software called Maya and cover these models with painted and manipulated photographic textures that wrap around them like a map on a globe. Each model is then set up with a invisible skeleton that allows me to pose and position the figure in its three dimensional environment. Digital lights and cameras are added with shadows and reflections simulating that of a real world.First the models are sculpted similar to pushing and pulling the surface of a piece of clay. I am often reminded of being in preschool with my huge chunk of Plasticine. I once modeled a Plasticine shoe but my father forbade me to wear it in public. I then create an inner structure of joints similar to a skeleton that allows me to pose the figure with a spine, shoulders, elbows and even finger joints. Many heads are modeled with many a different expression and these can be blended to create a subtle look similar to the one my wife has when I have done something suspicious.I color the models first in a very simple way, then each surface in the model is wrapped with a texture that may be painted digitally such as a flower petal or from a digital photograph such as a wood surface. I collect textures the way some people collect little silver spoons and I have a story about each texture in my collection such as the one about my father’s hip operation scar or the picture I convinced my gastroenterologist to give me of the inside of my colon. My favorite textures to collect are skin textures, as I have a legitimate excuse to ask people to expose large areas of bare skin.As my work is printed I am often asked about my original, but it exists only in the computer in a dimensional world of depth, width and height. I am fascinated by the concept that this 3 dimensional space exists much as another reality and even though I turn the computer off, I am haunted by the fact that this space is still there existing in a mathematical probability, and the space that we live in now might not be all that different.

[shiroe-is-my-baby]

Cheerful & Bright

Summary: It’s Christmas morning and Ariana and Sage are more than excited. Friends are coming over and breakfast is cooking on the stove. Neither of them could ask for a better holiday than to spend it with those that they cherish. And giving the twins a reason to smile.

W: self-insert, fluff, au

WC: 3k

(( @self-shipping-angel ))

The excitement of Christmas morning was one that I enjoyed the twins. Seeing their happy little faces bright and early in the morning was a treat. I didn’t mind that they wanted to pester me at six in the morning, begging to go downstairs to get the day started. Especially, Ariana who was beaming already at the sight of all the pretty presents. I heard her voice first, although both twins were quick to jump on me and Shiroe without giving us a fair warning.

“Mommy, mommy!”

“DAAAADDDYYYY!”

I let out a soft chuckle, seeing Ariana’s little bottom lip the minute I opened my eyes.

She nuzzled her face into my neck, letting me give her a big squeeze. Sage was also shaking me, rather impatient just like his sister. Shiroe scooped him up in his arms, squeezing him closer and ruffling his hair. This only made him groan louder, mumbling to him with dissatisfaction.

“Good morning, loves,” I said, “Just give us a minute, okay? Don’t you guys want to wait for…”

Shiroe gave a small shake of his head.

“They won’t be here for another hour. Can you really make them wait that long?” He asked, pointing to Ariana’s pout to emphasize his comment.

He was right. There was no way that I was going to tell them that they had to wait. That face was already too hard to resist. It was hard enough having to let them wait for us to get a little awake. But I didn’t want to miss a single second of their bright and cheery behavior.

Breathing a sigh, I watched the twins sit down on the foot of the bed side by side and pucker their lips. It was like they knew that I couldn’t resist that look. Beside one another they looked so identical. It was heartwrenching.

“Alright, alright. But save some gifts for your aunts and uncles to see, okay?”

“We promise! We promise!”

“Then, come on, darlings. Let’s let your father get dressed, and I’ll get some coffee for you babe.”

“Thanks. I’ll only be a second,” Shiroe said, leaning over to give me a soft kiss on the cheek.

And that was how our morning began.

Shiroe quickly threw on some clothes, mainly just some comfortable lounge wear I had bought him just a few days ago, while I instructed the twins to wait patiently for him. I promised them a big and delicious breakfast if they behaved, moving into the kitchen to start the coffee.

Their voices could be heard in the other room as they argued about who was getting what and who would open the first one. I was extra giggly at my daughter who was just in awe at how cute the wrapping was. That was how she was, and I loved her for it. Sage, on the other hand, didn’t admire my handiwork. Instead, he just wanted to rip them open and see their contents. Which was fine too.

Marielle, Naotsugu, Henrietta, and Akatsuki were all supposed to come over later in the morning when I was making breakfast. They all decided that it would be better to come when I was cooking, which to me was both a praise and an insult considering they wouldn’t want to help. Just enjoy my food. Not that I really minded feeding everyone. I knew the twins would just love the company.

I heard the sound of the coffee finishing up just as Shiroe came out of the bedroom. He was bombarded by the twins asking him over and over again if he was ready and if I was ready. I could hear his laugh filling the air, gentle and soft just for them.

“Just a second longer, okay? Your mom is almost done,” He said.

I poured us both a cup of coffee, ignoring my soft snores. The night before I had gotten very little sleep, which is to be expected on this day. I never really do sleep well the night before a major holiday, especially if the twins have anything to do with it. I knew that I could get a nap in later when they both passed out from all the food and fun of playing with their new toys.

It was something I was looking forward to.

Taking both our cups into the living room, I found Shiroe on the couch with the twins already settled on their spots on the floor. Just like we do every time. I smiled, handing him his cup and slowly shifting into the couch cushions. My legs curled up underneath me as I took a sip of my warm coffee, cuddling close to Shiroe with a soft sigh.

It was a perfect day. I loved these traditions with my family, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. I always had found the holiday exciting when I was a kid, but it felt different now that I was giving back to my children. Being with my family and just making memories together. I was happy.

“Alright, now you two can go ahead,” I said.

Shiroe grabbed my phone from the coffee table, knowing that I was going to want to snap some pictures of them opening their gifts. Not that I would really get a chance to with how fast Sage was moving. Ariana, on the other hand, she was definitely a trip. She would grab a box, look at it and be so enraptured by it that she’d forget to open.

I giggled, watching her take off one of the bows to put on her head.

“You look adorable, baby girl,” I laughed, snapping a photo of her, “But don’t forget to see what’s inside the box.”

Shiroe laughed, squeezing my hand and helping her tear open the paper without ripping it too much. She was just not wanting to ruin the quality of it, which I found absolutely adorable.

“You did such a good job, Mommy. I don’t wanna ruwin it,” She said.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m not going to reuse it. Just take it off however you’d like.”

Shiroe smiled warmly, kissing her cheek and letting her sit in his lap while she unraveled it. She seemed to like it better when he was there, and was all giggles and laughter even more so. He kissed the top of her head, glancing over at Sage who had already ripped open the present before Ariana could blink an eye.

His excited gaze was what I looked forward to, the exact things he wanted for today what I could give him. He chirped and happily thanked the two of us, practically wanting to run off before we were even finished.

Ariana’s squeal was next, and Shiroe and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

The two of us smiled at each other, watching the twins excitedly open each gift and marvel at them. Ariana still wanted to run away with the paper, which Shiroe quickly pulled her back with a smile. Our kids were easy to please, Ariana just getting tons of cute clothes and dolls and stuffed animals. Sage only wanted toys of all kinds he never really cared, and he also wanted a lot of art supplies.

I was happy to give him some, though his big gift was coming with Marielle.

As if on cue, after the twins had finished opening our gifts to them, the doorbell rang to announce the others arrival. Shiroe started to get up, lifting Ariana from his lap. I beat him to the door, greeting Marielle as she pulled me into a tight embrace. “Ashie! Good morning!” She screeched, squeezing me tighter.

“Hey… Marielle…”

“Looks like you guys had quite the morning.”

Both twins practically bolted from their spots on the floor, tackling both Marielle and Naotsugu before they could say anything more. I took a step back, taking a breath from Marielle’s strong hug. Shiroe couldn’t help but laugh, holding me closer by my waist and giving my cheek a quick kiss.

“I knew that they’d lost it once they got here,” I said.

“Yep.”

I shook my head, listening to Ariana and Sage chirping about everything that they had and wanted to show Naotsugu almost immediately. They practically drug him across the room, which he didn’t really hesitate to leave. The three of us laughed, glancing up just in time to see Akatsuki’s small frame step into the door.

She didn’t look happy in the slightest. Most likely from the sweater dress she wore that was rather bulky on her already small frame. I winced, seeing the scowl on her face and knowing just who was going to step behind her before they arrived. Henrietta was all too happy with her handiwork, squeezing the poor girl against her.

“Doesn’t she just look so adorable!”

“Hey… Henrietta…”

“I told you that I wasn’t going to wear this!”

“But Akatsuki, it’s Christmas! You need to be festive!”

Shiroe and I pursed our lips and nervously eyed the two of them, unsure of what to do about the situation. It wasn’t like we didn’t expect this to happen. It’s practically common on every occasion.

Poor Akatsuki.

“I’m sorry, where are my manners!” Henrietta shouted as she snapped out of her trance, pulling me into a soft hug.

Compared to Marielle’s hers were warm and gentle and a breath of fresh air. I hugged her back, watching from the corner of my eye as Shiroe tried to ruffle Akatsuki’s hair. The woman glared him down and he decided against it. I rolled my eyes, switching my attention to the adorable woman.

She did really look cute in the sweater. I couldn’t help but giggle, squeezing her against me. Her muscles relaxed a bit, although I could still tell that she was tense. Given what was happening, I didn’t blame her.

“Where are the little darlings?” Henrietta asked, looking for the twins, “I need to squeeze those cute cheeks as well!”

“They’re currently… pestering Naotsugu.”

All of us glanced over to see the man on the floor with the twins as Ariana tried to put bows in his hair and Sage was showing him a little handheld that he had gotten. We started laughing, while Shiroe on the other hand was just rolling his eyes. I knew that would happen eventually. Either it was Shiroe or Naotsugu or both of them pulled into that kind of situation with the twins.

But my favorite part about our friends is that they don’t care. Our kids love them and they love our kids. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.

“Well, it’s that adorable!”

“I wanna get a picture!”

“At least he’s getting the treatment and not me…”

Shiroe and I shared a glance, chuckling softly at our friends comments. He wrapped an arm around my waist again, whispering softly into my ear.

After everyone ogled at the sight for a bit, the twins turned their attention to Henrietta and Akatsuki, but mainly Henrietta. She was more than excited to shower them with affection, carrying Ariana to the couch and listening to her soft chimes. Marielle went with me to the kitchen to start on breakfast.

It was the best sound to hear, the laughter of children and friends. I loved hosting at my house, enjoying giving the fun to my family. Because everyone here was family. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend the holidays. Shiroe and I were lucky to have them, and we never waste a second to tell them that.

“It really is a great Christmas, isn’t it?” Marielle asked, as if reading my mind.

I nodded, flipping the pancakes over.

“It really is. The twins are having so much fun. Thank you guys for coming and helping too.”

“Oh, it’s no problem, Ashley! You know I’m always here to help.”

She smiled brightly.

Marielle gave my shoulders a tight squeeze as she passed to grab the plates, the smell of the breakfast warming up the kitchen. The others must have smelled it too, because Shiroe was already wandering in. No doubt to be the first to get something. I swear that man is always hungry.

I giggled softly, feeling him hug me from behind and kiss my cheek.

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

“For what?”

“No reason… just this.”

I blushed brightly.

He didn’t even have to say a word. I knew exactly what he was talking about. We shared a couple soft kisses, breaking just as we heard the twins giggling and laughing once again.

We broke apart, and I shouted for everyone that the food was ready. Shiroe scooped Ariana up in his arms, ruffling Sage’s hair and allowing me to let him fix his own plate since he always wants to. With a little help from Henrietta of course. He wasn’t that independent yet.

“You guys can eat wherever you want, okay? Just make sure to clean up any mess you make, please.”

“Yes, Mommy.”

I smiled, watching them both scamper off into the living room no doubt to fight over a spot on the floor. Then, fight over who was going to sit beside them. I could just hear it now.

“Sorry the twins were driving you crazy earlier,” I said to Naotsugu as we sat down on the couch.

“Nah, it’s fine. I don’t mind it all that much.”

“That’s very sweet of you, Naotsugu. They just love their uncle!”

Shiroe and I laughed at Marielle, but nodded in agreement.

“You guys better be prepared. You know she’s gonna want you both to play with her later this afternoon,” I said, taking a sip of my drink.

“I’m more worried about Sage with those art supplies. I really hope he doesn’t make a mess,” Shiroe responded.

“He won’t, and even if he does I told him to lay paper down to make sure that it doesn’t get on the floor. He knows what he’s doing. He remembered everything you taught him.”

I smiled warmly, giving shiroe’s hand a soft squeeze. The two of us leaned in for a soft kiss, ignoring the twins soft responses to it. They were starting to do that every single time we showed affection, which I expected. It just always made me laugh. It didn’t help that Naotsugu joined in just to tease us.

Speaking of Sage, he still had one last gift to open.

I waggled my eyebrows at Marielle to give her a silent reminder. All in an instant she shot up from the couch and ran into the hall to grab it. Getting the boy’s attention was easy, and since Ariana already got her big present this morning she was rather excited to see what her brother had gotten.

I decided to let Marielle give the gift, knowing that we had already given them so much. She ended up saying the gift was from all of them together, which was a sweet addition.

“Now, close your eyes, Sagey,” Marielle said in a sing song voice.

He did as he was told, although I could tell he was impatient. He definitely gets that from me.

The large container of paints and brushes laid open on the floor, and she made it look nice that way he could see everything. I leaned my chin on my hand, watching Sage’s face when he opened his eyes. They were so bright and happy. That was the exact look I wanted to see.

“Ta da!” Marielle exclaimed, giving me a wink.

“Now, these are what you have to be careful with,” I said with a laugh.

I know it was a lot, and it was only a starter kit for kids. But I made a promise to him that once he’s old enough I’ll get him a bigger one. Maybe even save up some money and get him a nice easel. Right now, this was something that he could play around with to his hearts content. Make anything he wants. Be as creative as he can.

Just like Ariana, who’s big gift was a kids design book to allow her to make whatever she wanted as well. Both of them were creative in different ways, and I could just see their sparks flying with everything they had. And that’s what I wanted to give them this year. Something they could take with them forever.

“Thank you!”

“Don’t just thank me. This is from all of us.”

She winked at me again, and I gave a wink back.

Sage rushed to hug everyone, bouncing over towards me with his bottom lip out.

“Can I?”

“Go ahead, baby. But let your dad get you some things first, that way you don’t make a mess, okay?”

He nodded, bouncing up and down and dragging Shiroe off the couch.

I giggled, watching the two of them walk off. My heart felt so light and fluttery. I was so happy that they were happy. I was happy to be with my friends and family. Today turned out to be an even better day than I expected.

The rest of the day the twins played while we talked, watching them with delight. It was the best holiday I could ask for. Just knowing that I made it a good one for them was all that I needed. And Shiroe definitely agreed.

Our kids were our worlds. They’re all we needed.