#like my dude. we got romantic date night fraud to do

[hellish-heart-ships]

3, 9, 19, 20, and 34 for you and Syobai!

Ayo <3

Asks about your OTP

3. Was it lust at first sight?

It was more intrigue at first sight. “This boy is hot, and a rude bastard. I’m going to spend all my time around him and ignore the threats he makes.” At first sight and “this girl is fucking annoying, but at least she’s better than most of the people I’m around” at first sight.

9. Do their friends and family like their significant other(s)?

Syobai doesn’t have any friends or family, because he’s Syobai and socially repellent. Do my friends and family like him? Lmao no. They’re aware that neither of us are going to be leaving though, and that Syobai isn’t going to let me get hurt by anyone or anything so they appreciate that much. But they do not know what I see in him though.

19. Would they ever lie to each other? Why or why not?

No we don’t. We’re both upfront to each other, and Syobai’s always been honest about himself and his work, and any risks that come up from it. And I don’t have anything that I’d need to lie to him about. When it comes to Syobai’s clients and anything involved with his work he just doesn’t tell me anything out of confidentiality.

20. Are they interested in marriage? Why or why not?

Originally Syobai wasn’t. He thought marriage was pointless and unnecessary, just a way to spend money for one day when we’re already happy together. But he ended up warming up to the idea knowing that I’d like to get married long, long, long after initially getting together, and figured it wouldn’t be so bad getting hitched. So here we are now.

34. What’s their favorite nonsexual activity together?

There’s a lot that we do together, but his favourite? Going out to have a drink, do some gambling and swindle someone/finding targets to buy something from Syobai. Date night illegal activity <3

[bobasheebaby]

Leonard Hofstader Prompts

1 “This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?” “That's a trick question, right?”

2 “Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this --“ “Agreed.” “I was going to say ‘or,’ but why bother?”

3 [knock knock knock] “NAME?” (x3) “What, NAME!? What, NAME!? What, NAME!?” “Tell me what you see here.” “The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?”

4 “At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?” “At the hands of your room mate?” “An accident.” “That's how I'm going to make it look.”

5 “Black beans, not pinto beans?” “Yes.” “Double guacamole?” “Of course.” “Lettuce shredded, not chopped?” “Yes.” “No cilantro?” “Nope.” “You understand why I'm doing this to you?” “I do.” “That will be all.”

6 “I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.” “He/she can feel sadness?” “Not really. It's what you and I would call condescension.”

7 “Come here, tushie face.” “Tushie face! That is going on twitter right now.”

8 “I like it. I think you're on to something.” “Really? You're not messing with me?” “Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I'd never get a chance to give it to you. Good job!” “You're giving me a sticker?” “Not just a sticker. That's a sticker of a kitty saying ‘Mee-wow’.” “I'm not a preschooler.” “Fine, I'll take it back.” “I earned this. Back off.”

9 “What are we gonna do?” “We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be ‘we’ for like a year and a half now. Right now, you are you and you are screwed!”

10 “Would someone please turn off the NAME commentary track?”

11 “Oh, I know. This might help.” [Gets a ring out of wallet] “Where did you get a ring?” “I've had it for a couple of years. Not important.”

12 “I'm not sure it's a good idea to take NAME to where wine comes from.”

13 “I'm the king/queen of foreplay.”

14 “Just you wait and see. I'm gonna romance your freakin' ass off.” “That's beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?”

15 “How do I make them stop loving me?” “You could invite them to live with us.”

16 “Hard as this may be to believe, it's possible that I'm not boyfriend/girlfriend material.” “Glad I was sitting down for that.”

17 “I'd make fun of NAME for having boy/girl problems, if I wasn't shocked that NAME has boy/girl problems.”

18 “NAME , you wanna take a break? Your food's ready.” “What are you doing? He's/she’s both happy and quiet. It's like seeing a unicorn and big foot at the same time.”

19 “You guys kiss and hold hands.” “I've seen him/her do it. It's not romantic.”

20 “NAME 's nervous about me leaving. Just keep an eye on him/her while I'm gone.” “Oh, I don't know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?” “Well, flush NAME down the toilet and get me a new one.”

21 “That was such a fun night.” “Probably 'cause you got to see your man/woman up there rockin' the mic.” “Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat-box.” “Oh, that was really an asthma attack. I just sold it.”

22 “Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?” “I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.” “Decent? I make twice what you make.” “Wait, twice?” “Yeah.” “Like times two, twice?”

23 “NAME , why are you making such a big deal out of this? So our roles have changed a bit over the last couple of years. That's the way life is. And I'm sure, in time, they'll change again.” “Great. Not only are you more successful than me. Now you're more mature.”

24 “Thanks for closed captioning my pain, NAME.”

25 “Boy, you're really smart.” “Yeah, I'm a freaking genius.”

26 “Have you considered telling him/her how you feel?”

27 “NAME is going to love this.” “Yeah, it must be nice to have somebody do something so romantic.” “Okay, you know what's not romantic? Rubbing it in someone's face.” “Actually, it can be. But I told you sex doesn't count.”

28 “NAME, do you think I'm funny?” “No. Do you?” “I think I'm hysterical.” “I take it back. That was funny!”

29 “Well you wouldn't have asked me either.” “I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.”

30 “I missed you.” “You see me all the time. You sure you don't just miss the sex?” “Well, yeah, the sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?” “I have. You're not wrong.”

31 “Uhh, umm. I'm NAME.” “Really? You don't sound so sure.” “No, I am me.”

32 “Where are my pants?” “You might wanna check out YouTube.”

33 “I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture.” “They never do.”

34 “You know, you two make a cute couple.” “No, no we're not, we're not a couple, we're single, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that are friends.” “Did I pluck a nerve there?” “Oh yeah.”

35 “Why can't all guys be like you?” “Because if all guys were like me the human race couldn't survive.”

36 “Is that the song from Toy Story?” “He/She loves that movie.” [emotional] “I do.”

37 “What ya doin' there? Working on a new plan to catch the road runner?”

38 “NAME, give me a beat.” “I will not.”

39 “Thanks for cooking.” “My pleasure.” “That carrot was delicious.” “Yeah. I wish I'd fought harder for the rest of 'em.”

40 “Lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.” “Like who?” “Like you and your dog.” “Don't rule out the dating.”

41 “I just read about an experiment designed to see if you can make two people fall in love in a matter of hours.” “That doesn't sound right. My research has shown it takes three to five years of shameless begging.” “Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story.”

42 “Ooh, flowers and chocolates? Somebody's trying to get me out of my panties.”

43 “Aw, jewelry. Oh my God, BLANK tickets!” “It gets better. Instead of me you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.” “You are the best boyfriend/girlfriend ever.” “Seriously, please don't make me go.”

44 “This place is terrific. Why have we never been here before?” “The same reason we don't do a lot of fun stuff — you.”

45 “By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.”

46 [person a & b are kissing] “Damn it, I can't. I can't do this.” “Is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out, you're in for a real surprise later on.”

47 “Oh Lord, this can't be more humiliating.” “No, no, no, give him/her a minute.”

48 “Is he/she always like this when he/she loses?” “Oh, yes. You should have been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.” “You bumped the table and you know it.”

49 “You've spent time with NAME, can you think of anything he’s/she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws he/she hasn't noticed?” “... I got to go.”

50 “What self-important preening fraud are they honoring this year?” “I'm so glad you asked it like that. You!”

[jinxedncharmed]

I can’t even begin to dissect what happened today so I’ll sum up.

Last night I saw a great author who brought up many interesting and engaging topics. I knew MC would love to chew over them and was excited to tell him about it. We’d had a really good day and I was feeling close to him, and I was excited to share the discussions with him.

This morning I happily started to tell him about the author but he returned some weak put downs and said he was too busy to talk about anything. I was really struck by some of his belittling comments that, to me, seemed judgmental about my intelligence, suggesting the author was a fraud and i’d fallen for “clickbait,” despite him not letting me explain. He even made a rude comment, “You didnt give this guy money, did you?” Flustered, I said “Fuck you,” and went about my business. Not a harsh, hateful “fuck you,” more flippant. I was annoyed and it deflated my excitement, but I got to work.

At lunch we had to play a stupid game at my idiot Boss’s insistence. The game involved two teams (men vs women) and cards with either positive personality traits or negative ones. The goal was for each team to design two imaginary “dates” for the person sitting out the round (we all took a turn sitting out) using two positive cards. Then the opposite team would add one negative card to try to torpedo the dates. Everyone votes silently on who the person sitting out will choose. The person picks, votes revealed, points awarded. MC successfully destroyed my initial favorite date by telling his coworker “That negative card. Don’t even sell it. I have personal experience.” The card was “They are always drunk.” I refrained from getting in a row about it, but noticed he got wrong which date I picked. (All my dates sucked, the negative cards were really bad.) When it was his turn to sit out, the shitty positive cards didn’t allow my team to build the winning date, but I was the only one in the group who successfully voted for his choice.

Near the end of the day, I’m sitting working when MC returns from a meeting, takes a deep breath, and says, “Ok, one more thing.” Then he turns to me and says, “This morning you said “fuck you” to me. And that really hurt me.“ Shocked, completely mentally drained by the long week, and feeling exposed because everyone can fucking hear us, i take a moment to come to the correct response, which is a carefully worded and i hope sincere apology. (My first instinct, of course, was to fight him. My second instinct was to mock him.)

Then we get involved in a long conversation that, for me at least, is intensely personal and intimate. He says, no fewer than THREE fucking times, that he “really values our relationship,” which was a fucking dagger to my heart each time he said it. He said that in the morning he was really stressed about all he needed to do and two big meetings he had, and i didnt know what might be going on in his personal life that might be adding stress. His specific example was “Maybe I had a fight with [wife],” to which I said, “Dude, don’t fight with [wife].” I can’t look at him through this whole talk, I shoot quick glances but it’s too intense and I’m too exposed in this fucking quad, so I keep busy organizing an exam box for processing and avoid a lot of eye contact.

I explained that his comments in the morning sounded, to me, like he was making fun of me and insulting me. I said I didn’t get the message that he was busy and stressed, and he could have been more clear, because what I heard and therefore reacted to was “you’re stupid.” I said I had been really stoked to discuss the author, and i was confused by his reaction, because the day before had been fun. “You sometimes are hot and cold,” I said. “Yesterday was fun, and i shared something really private with you. I felt close to you, and then today I felt this solid wall between us, and it confuses the hell out of me.” He said that people had given him that feedback before, and he was trying to work on it. It made me concerned, because he had specifically said he has been told he’s “moody and snippy” when he’s drunk, and i didn’t want to bring in my fears about his drinking. So I backed off that, and instead said something else intensely private again. “I know you’re facing stress here at work,” I started.

“I don’t know why,” he said, “it’s not like these exams matter to me, I don’t care about CE. I shouldn’t get so invested, but now I’ve been here a year and I feel like I have a stake in things.”

“That detachment is something I really admire about you,” I said. “You know how i get wrapped up in everything, I let all the drama here eat me up. And I’m sure my anxiety and stress affects you, it must.” This whole time I’m ruffling papers, my heart is pounding, I’m holding in tears. It’s too intimate, and everyone can fucking hear us. But I forge on and say, “I don’t believe in auras or anything stupid like that, but I have been told I exude this energy, that I can walk in to a room and completely change the mood, usually for the worse. I don’t mean to. How can I help it if I’m so black inside it hurts others? Without me even speaking? But I’ll try to control my stress around you, because I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

He was quiet and clearly thinking about that. Then the conversation turned to work, the exams, the uncertainty, the lack of restructure and the workload dumped on me. Things start to get a little personal again. We talk about misunderstandings, how it’s hard to read people. “I’m very bad at that,” I said, which is pretty fucking obvious. “Relationships are hard,” he says. I cringe at his use of that word and answer, “That’s why I don’t have any. It’s too hard, I can’t take it.”

At this point my idiot Boss comes over and makes a big announcement about how she’s been listening to this conversation and it’s so long and personal but she wants to say she appreciates how hard we are working and how we have stepped up to the plate now that MC’s boss has left.

I bet she is a master cockblocker.

So then the conversation focuses more on work, so the intimacy is truly broken, and MC takes over talking to the idiot, while I bury myself in the box, and i realize there’s a big error I have to sort out. By this point I am overwhelmed; the intense, intimate conversation with MC, the humiliation of everyone hearing it, the visual clutter of the work I’m doing, idiot Boss’s inane droning, and the stress of this year all combine and just fucking break me.

I interrupt her and announce to MC there’s a problem with the box and i need his help in solving it. He takes the hint and leaves off with the idiot, graciously digging through a recycling bin to help me out, which makes me feel terrible that he’s doing so, unasked and unprompted, at least it’s recycling and not garbage. He finds one missing page, and i manage to rectify the two other problems on my own. But I’ve had it and I’m stressed. I can’t take it. I decide the only thing I can do to improve the situation is handle the visual clutter, so I start going through all the papers, notes. Post-its, toys, office supplies, meds, and everything on the desk. And because I’m panicking I start narrating it softly to myself, “You can throw this away, this can go in the drawer, this you can handle Monday, put this stack over here…”

At some point MC’s run off and the idiot Boss is talking animatedly with her lapdog and the new girl M about a team Halloween costume, which I immediately declare I won’t participate in. The noise of the conversation bothers me but I can’t address it. So I straighten up my desk, get everything set for Monday, and flee, telling them to have a good weekend. M calls out that I can call or text her; I reply that I’m going home to a nervous breakdown and a good cry. I flee through the kitchen to where MC is talking to a coworker, so I tell them both goodbye and add to him “Sorry, again, yeah ok.” So eloquent.

Jesus. This is Andy all over again. I have no idea how to manage these emotions. I mentally cannot handle this. I was just so floored when he said to me I’d hurt him. That he’d be so open in front of those people, and he expected me to be as well. And i was. The whole office got to hear a drunk with marital problems and an emotionally stunted bitch attempt to have an intimate discussion about feelings. My god, if I make it to Iceland, I’m throwing myself off a fjord.

When I got home, M had texted me:

“You need to hear this before you go down a dark path. I listened to every word that transpired and what I heard was someone who cares very deeply for you. Enough to talk to you about his hurt feelings. You don’t have that kind of real talk if you don’t care about the person. It may not be romantic, but it’s real to him. I know it was unpleasant to have that kind of conversation, but I think good things that needed to be said (him being hot and cold) were said.”

I texted her back and she continued,

“You handled it really well. My only criticism would be to let him feel appropriately bad about some of his behavior antics. Don’t let him off the hook for being a moody little pussy sometimes. He was acknowledging it, so let him acknowledge it. You really did handle it well. I was quite impressed. But I know you’re in your head right now, which is okay, but just know that from where I sat, that was actually a very positive interaction. Again - you don’t have those types of conversations (dead sober, presumably) if you don’t care for the person.”

Christ. What a fucking embarrassment. How can I go back there and know that my entire team heard that deeply intimate, unhappy conversation? And what did all of that shit even mean? How can I fucking face him? At least I have plenty to keep me busy, I’m going to be balls to the wall for the next two weeks before my trip.

I’m going to get through this. I’m not going to make the mistakes I did with Andy. This is a work friendship. I mean, the word “friendship” doesn’t do it justice. But I can’t keep thinking “relationship.” There just is no word for it. But I mean, this isn’t love. It will never be that. I have to keep that perspective. No matter what.

He does not love me. Do not allow yourself an iota of hope. Hope will kill me. Hope is the enemy. You are his friend, so be his friend. Don’t enable his drinking, but be his friend. Make amends for Andy. Make good choices this time. Choose the middle path. And remember:

No matter how much he “values our relationship,” he will never love you.