#like my dentist. couldn’t send it to me before i left home?

[alphacrone]

ppl like to talk big about how smartphones are rotting our brains but neglecting to mention how weirdly engrained they are in a lot of modern society to the point of almost being a necessity

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2018 Still feeling okay and sleeping well though my heart goes aflutter at times. It’s different than when I first started getting palpitations. At first, the palpitations were just my heart beating a little harder and more obvious yet my HR seemed the same as usual. This, however, feels like a cross between a flutter and a vibration. I also felt a strange pulsing sensation on the left side of my neck just above my collarbone but after all the tests I’ve had and not having any other symptoms, I doubt anything is wrong.

Had partial runs today but I think that’s due to diet changes. So I’m definitely going back to what I had last week which will consist of less meat and sodium. Still doing pretty well with cutting back on the sugar and soda.

Tom stopped by the dentist on the way home from work yesterday, paid what the joke of an insurance company declined to pay, and rescheduled my cleaning and checkup for the same day I see the dermatologist which was also rescheduled due to Tom’s busy work week the week before. So on the 21st, I will have two appointments in Folsom and Roseville. It’s always better not to have to have them, but when I do it’s great to shoot two birds with one stone. Plus, I always look forward to seeing Kathleen. :-)

Last night’s dreams were too vague to really be worth noting so I’ll skip that and just say that my Lorazepam has expired and for now I’m not going to request a refill. So I better not have any major anxiety attacks! I haven’t since Stacey EMDR’d me so I should be okay. I sure hope so, anyway. I still have scattered, random bouts of anxiety but not at the epic levels I used to have. There’s still a chance I might have to have my medication adjusted.

So Aly gave me her take on Kathleen and while I know she couldn’t see the way she’d look at me or hear the things she’d say, and even though she also thinks she’s the type that’s friendly to everyone based on the promo video I shared with her, she agrees there might be something there. She said it’s one thing to say you’re in someone’s prayers but another to say you’re in their heart.

I agree. As soon as she added her heart in her note, that made me wonder. While there is more to suggest she sees a little more in me than usual, there are still a few things that suggest otherwise, so unless she bluntly says so either way, only she knows what she really feels. Between my age and being with Tom for so long and loving him more and more each year, it’s nice to be considered special to someone as pleasant as her, but I can’t actually imagine myself going any further with her than hugs and maybe a quick kiss here and there, no matter what’s on her mind.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2018 Yesterday I looked online to see what we were expecting in the mail that day and recognized Kathleen’s handwriting on one of the envelopes. Remembering that she was to be sending us a bill, I found a part of me wishing, almost hoping, that she would enclose something with it. Something nice that would make me smile, even though I wasn’t sure what. Well, sometimes our wishes come true because there was a note at the bottom of the summary saying it was great talking to me and that I was in her prayers and heart. A nonbeliever in prayer or not, that put an instant smile on my face. I had felt run down all morning, almost as if another cold was trying to set in, but between that and a second cup of coffee, I definitely perked up. This was no doubt the only bill that ever made me smile, LOL.

LOL, should I disappoint her, though, and tell her I’ve tested it and that prayer doesn’t work? Seriously, this was very nice and really made me smile. She’s so sweet. I just wonder if there’s something about me or if she’s like this with everyone.

I also still think experience is what makes you a believer… or not. Okay, I don’t have to have experienced France to know it exists, but had I not had so many dream premonitions I probably wouldn’t believe in that either. It’s a matter of percentages for me. I did a prayer experiment several months ago and only one of the things came to fruition… Not enough to convince me. But hey, if it works for others, more power to them!

The only weird thing was that this form didn’t have a place to insert a credit card number. Tom said that before there was always a box present for that. Hmm… A simple error, or a means of getting me to call her again. If she wants to chat again all she has to do is call or email me. Either way, Tom’s going to stop by sometime on his way home from work since they’re right on the way.

For a fleeting moment, but only a fleeting moment, I wished I were in touch with Andy so he could give me his take on Kathleen and whether or not he thought she likes me. As in REALLY likes me. I think I know what he would say, though, and I’m waiting for Aly, who always seems to have issues keeping up regularly with everything but texting, to check out her note which I took a picture of. I’ll always cherish it unless Kathleen turns out to be crazy or a real asshole. Really, though, I’ve never known anyone else to have such issues with being able to get online and keep up on Twitter and other sites regularly. Even with the shitty connection we had in Auburn, we were still able to do things like that.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a catch to Kathleen. I mean I’m still not 100% sure she really does want to be my friend or is really all that into me simply because of the details she doesn’t always remember, like that time she asked when I was coming in and didn’t even remember my name. Then there’s the fact that she didn’t have any response to my telling her that I let my liberal sideshow in my books, and of course, no book sales since either. I told her months ago she could look me up and haven’t received any email or anything from her since our chat, even if that wasn’t long ago, so I’m not really sure what to think. When I go to the office or she needs to call me about something, she’s pretty obvious with the way she feels, but then she doesn’t take the initiative to reach out to me in between these times, so who knows what’s really on her mind? If she’s all that involved in the church and really into God and prayer and all that stuff she may be a lot more closed-minded than I thought. Plus, she was saying how cute a couple Tom and I made and things like that. Those who are truly conservative aren’t usually keen on the idea of being friends with people like me, so we’ll see. She mostly acts like she’s attracted to me and wants to be my friend but then there’s this part of her that suggests otherwise. Lastly, there’s a possibility I have her all wrong and I’m mistaking someone who’s extremely friendly and complimentary for being attracted to me. As they say, there’s a first time for everything, and even though I haven’t been wrong with these kinds of things yet, maybe this time I am. Only time will tell.

I have to see if I can bump the dermatologist up a week because there’s a big update going on the week of the 12th at work. I have a feeling it’s not going to be that easy in which case I will probably just forget it and then reschedule my dental cleaning. This rash hasn’t killed me yet and it’s just a minor annoyance as opposed to anything serious or debilitating in any way. I just can’t believe I’m going to be able to get anything before May because they always seem to be booked up a few months in advance. I can probably get in sooner with a foreign male doctor, but it’s not that important unless it gets worse and I think it would have by now if it was going to.

Actually, I just jumped online and checked for OTC treatments for lichen planus and found something that might be worth trying. However, they were able to bump me up a week for an appointment with the physician’s assistant so Tom can reschedule me when he goes to pay the dentist. Especially since I don’t think there will be a follow-up or anything. I think the PA will be able to give me a list of the best possible remedies for what I have. My teeth are more important than my skin right now. I just think the word cavity and I get them.

The sun was warm while the air was cool when I was out jogging earlier. Only a 25% chance of rain tomorrow and a 70% chance the next day.

Last night in my dreams I ran into Adonis somewhere and gave him a big hug.

Then in another dream, I was running through a building in the late afternoon holding a camera in one hand. I’m not sure what I was looking for or expected to see, but when I didn’t find anything suspicious, I headed to a mini cafeteria or restaurant of some kind and found Mitch working behind the counter. I asked to try a sample of some fancy dessert that was really sweet and chocolatey. It was delicious. He told me it was really good and I should get a piece. I said, “Yeah, I’ll have a piece.” Then I was looking toward the window and noticing the darkening sky. I then remembered I left a friend waiting for me outside and hoped she wasn’t getting too impatient and that the buses were still running.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2018 Signing in on this rainy morning as the turkeys gobble away and of course there are the “off-key trumpets.” It’s better than landscaping sounds and motorcycles. Someone was hammering early yesterday morning but it didn’t last long. Oh, how nice it is to be able to concentrate on what I’m doing without having to crank up some music or sound machines to drown out the loud equipment, traffic, etc. I still miss the summer heat, though. Saturday morning we asked Alexa for a weather report and she mentioned snow flurries.

“I did NOT just hear that!” I said as Tom laughed his ass off. It was too clear and then too warm to snow, though.

But again I almost feel like I’ve got a cold coming on. My throat is a little scratchy, my head feels heavy, and I feel a bit rundown, too.

I skipped my meds today because I felt a little on edge yesterday.

Eliminating sugar has dropped me a couple of pounds but I doubt I’ll lose much more if anything at all. Tammy has lost 76 pounds which means she’s about 188 pounds. OMG, that’s less than a 40-pound difference between us! Can’t believe she suddenly just up and lost her appetite, though. I’m guessing she started a medication that suppressed her appetite.

My book Campus Games was released yesterday!

I was pleased to see that the new season of Bates Motel is on Netflix so I’ve been watching that.

Went to Walgreens yesterday and got some Fantasy Coconut perfume, Heiress perfume by Paris Hilton in a pretty pink glittery bottle, and this interesting 4D Barbie coloring book. When you use that app she appears to be dancing on the page of the coloring book and you can still see whatever’s in the background. For someone that’s into high-tech stuff, it’s pretty cool.

We also went to Sam’s where he got gas and we got some food, too. I just got a big box of Chinese chicken fried rice.

I ordered some incense yesterday but not oils to make my own with. I’ll get that in a few months or so. For now, I got some ready-made fragrances like:

Drakkar Noir Driven Egyptian Musk Escape Eternity Fierce Halo Issey Miyake Jasmine Flower Jamaican Sunrise Lavender Sage Mango Madness Money Blessing Obama Paradise Patchouli Flower Rain Raspberry Crystal Rose Secret Crush Strawberry Fields Style in Play Tommy Girl Vanilla Musk Wet Kisses Warm and Sensual

An ad led me to Babbel where you can take a sample language learning lesson in a few different languages, so I learned some basic Indonesian phrases, even though I’ve never had a desire to learn Indonesian in particular. The cool thing is that you speak what you’ve learned and it only lets you pass if you speak it well enough. If I didn’t have a knack for languages and if I hadn’t already learned others, I’m sure it would’ve laughed at me big time.

I’m using some questions I’ve been asked as writing prompts. I will answer one of them today quickly. “If I’m sure the afterlife doesn’t exist, then why do so many people think it does?”

First of all, I’m not 100% sure of anything. I just think it’s too hard for most people to accept that death could be the end and therefore telling themselves they “live on” is their way of holding onto their loved ones. I think a lot of beliefs are what we want them to be. God is what people want Him to be. If you want to believe there’s something up there that’s good, that loves you, that’s got your back, that will never give you more than you can handle (even though something’s going to kill us all someday), and that’s given you “free will” even if that basically means it won’t intervene in most cases when bad things happen to you, then that’s probably what you’ll believe.

Me? I don’t have all the answers but I do tend to go by science unless I see something that suggests otherwise. With so much good and so much bad in the world and then with myself having gone through so much good and bad in life, I really don’t know what to think. My gut instinct says there probably isn’t a God or an afterlife. Humans are basically made up of the same cells, bacteria, water and other substances that you’ll find in bugs and weeds. But they don’t go on to an afterlife, do they?

Last night I dreamed I was staying with Tammy and I had my colorful rainbow slippers with the pink glitter-eyed Beanie Babies on the tops of them sitting on the floor. Someone came over and Tammy wanted to run out and tell them something, but she couldn’t find her slippers. My slippers were by the door and she didn’t want to go out barefoot. She mumbled something about how my slippers would never fit her but I told her they would because they were wide but might be a bit short. Sure enough, she was able to step into them, joking about whether or not I owned anything grown-up and devoid of color.

Kathleen was insisting in another dream that a ghost was playing with my hair yet she was sitting there swatting it with a ruler which definitely didn’t have me very convinced it was a ghost, LOL. Speaking of her, I hope I hear from her soon. She’s such a sweet lady. Probably one of the best-looking retirees you’ll ever see as well, but she isn’t quite retired yet.

Then I had a dream where Tom and I separated even though we didn’t appear to be fighting. I was to meet him for a sex date the following day at lunchtime and he came up behind my chair where I sat at some desk just beyond a sidewalk somewhere. He literally went to lift me up though not completely off my feet and asked if that was okay. I nodded and then we began walking down the sidewalk that ran along some street that was who knows where. I contemplated whether or not I should tell him I was in a “screwing” mood because I was sweaty and worried I might stink down there if he wanted to go down on me.

Then I was in his place and was surprised at how clean his bathroom was. It was done in rich shades of turquoise and was very detailed. There was a shower stall and toilet to the left of the door and the sink was on the right.

I also contemplated whether or not I should ask if he was going to be moving back in, only some older woman had moved in and was sleeping in his bed, so I wasn’t so sure he would be keen on the idea of moving back just to have to sleep with her.

Then there was some dream about Bob leaving for work and me thinking that he had something like six or seven years left to work.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2018 Tom is still recovering from his cold and we will be going to Walgreens in a few hours or so. Yesterday we took a nice relaxing day to just veg out. He watched TV and I listened to audiobooks. Tom doesn’t have a fever but every time we check me, I’m always about 97. I wonder if that’s part of why I get cold easily.

Haven’t been spending much time on Facebook as it just gets more and more depressing every time I check in. What little I check of the newsfeed is always so full of negativity and repetition that I don’t see how it wouldn’t drive pretty much anyone crazy. Yes, I agree that we need to ban assault rifles. They’re totally 100% unnecessary. But do I need to hear about it a million times? Dwelling on things isn’t always better than under-addressing them.

Been hearing the geese more often which almost sounds like these demented trumpets but I don’t mind hearing them as opposed to this one dog in particular that has a fierce and annoying bark every time the rude owner that won’t put a muzzle on it walks it.

I noticed another house for sale down the street and wondered if it could be Ray’s. That would be nice but I can’t tell from this angle and I’m not curious enough to walk down and see. The big mouth is well into his 80s but doesn’t seem disabled and in need of assisted living, and his wife is the park’s newsletter editor, so I can’t see them moving.

I was looking at the high-rise apartments by where my parents used to live, thinking it would be nice to have a nice view for the first year since we would probably have to rent for a while before we found a place but they’re a little expensive. Tammy said there are lots of affordable places in her area. But as Tom said, what is her definition of affordable compared to mine? Well, I guess that depends on what we’re going to get for retirement, but it’s too soon to know this. He won’t be able to get much of an idea until he’s 62. If he retired at 62 he’d probably still need to work part-time.

When I was watching a documentary about a crime committed in the Ocala Forest, I decided to look up the area, impressed with the seclusion and all that. Because it’s further north I thought it might be cold, but it’s not. We definitely don’t get in the mid-eighties at this time of year here. So I did some research and was impressed with how cheap it is. Space rent, trash and sewer and all that shit comes to $1200 a month here. That’s actually pretty damn cheap for CA. But I can’t deny the fact that having a space rent of about five or six hundred dollars is appealing. That way, if we end up with less than what we expect, we would still have plenty of money. The only catch is that cheaper may mean older places that aren’t as nice. I would really love to have something built in this millennium for once.

I looked at some mobile homes in adult communities and was impressed with the amount of space around some of the houses. We did see a motorcycle in the driveway of one of the places, though, so some adult communities do allow them. Like I said, I’m no longer looking for a quiet place because I know quiet doesn’t exist for me. It simply wasn’t meant to be any more than I was meant to be tall. The best I can hope for is a place that’s at least quieter than this, and since I have lived in places where I was woken up less often, I know it’s possible to obtain. Not being just a few feet from a busy street would really help. In looking at the Ocala area I saw pros and cons. Originally I thought it might be a good idea to rent near Tammy and see if she pesters us or not. If she did, we could settle elsewhere. I like the space around the houses, though, I like the climate, and I like that being further inland is a little safer from hurricanes.

I know I said I’d like to be on the coast, but the thing about the beach is that unless you’re right smack-dab on the beach or within walking distance or at least bike-riding distance from it, it really doesn’t matter if you’re a 10-minute drive or an hour’s drive, at least in my opinion. Especially since I was never one to enjoy sitting on the beach all day doing nothing. Not only would I burn to a crisp, but it’s totally boring to me. I suppose I could take my laptop, but that can be done just as easily sitting on a lanai or by a pool. I’ve never been overly outdoorsy, especially in a place with lots of bugs and humidity. I would spend most of my time outdoors there swimming or bike riding.

The negatives to Ocala would be that I probably wouldn’t have any kind of a spectacular view, like lakes and stuff like that, there are a lot of blacks, the utilities may be less reliable, and we might not be able to order groceries online. It really sucks that you can’t know all the pros and cons of a place without actually living there, but of course, those are always subject to change at any time. The only thing that might worry me a bit about having a more spacious and private yard would be that this might tempt people to leave their dogs outdoors, if not round-the-clock, then during the daytime. Great place for grandkids to scream up a storm, too.

Tom said it might be kind of cool to live near Cape Canaveral so we could watch the rockets launch, but there’s no saying at this time where we’ll end up.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2018 Cutting back on sugar, meat and soda really has made a difference on the scale. I’m not losing, of course, but there’s no longer this fierce battle to keep from gaining. But now I’ve gotten some meats, fried/battered foods and some sugary treats for this week for variety. It will be interesting to see how it affects me. While it might be expensive, Amy’s frozen dinners and soups may be the way to go if I want to stay 30 pounds overweight instead of 300.

It just hit me, though, that canned soup is listed as an anxiety-triggering food along with sugar. Funny too, as I was having quite a bit of soup as I tend to do in the winter when I got hit with another round of anxiety. Next time I get hit with it I’ll have to pay attention to what I’ve been eating.

This rainbow of colorful washcloths is harder to grip and they’re a little too smooth to really scrape off the dead skin so I’m going back to my gloves. I’ll just wash them more often.

Noticed that my upper right gut pain has been better these last few days. Other than a few scattered bouts of anxiety, I’ve been doing quite well and even sleeping better when the damn motorcycles and trash collectors aren’t waking me up.

I don’t know about Tammy, though. She said something about having a bunch of tests done but didn’t elaborate. Either way, I’m totally not picking up a vibe from her saying that she really wants to be part of my life and I’m definitely not picking it up from her kids either, especially Sarah. This is both good and bad. I feel a bit shunned but at the same time, I hesitate to get that close to people who are so different and with such mean streaks.

Tom is getting over the worst of the cold his wife didn’t get. ;) He’s just got a bad cough as everything starts draining.

Still having torturously cold temps and still dreaming of a warmer climate. Someday. I just don’t know if that someday is sooner than planned or not. It totally figures that I may very well have a damn good friend towards the end of my time here rather than the beginning. I still don’t know what to make of her either. I almost feel like there’s got to be some catch. Kathleen may be far from the most attractive woman I’ve longed to be connected to but if these types of women have been forbidden thus far, even as just friends, then why now? Even if she were ugly; she has a very bubbly, upbeat and soothing personality and seems very bright.

The only things that suggest she may not be physically attracted to me are how she didn’t seem very interested when I hinted at being liberal, and the way she said Tom and I make a cute couple. She also hasn’t bought any of my books.

I don’t know what to think yet. There’s a lot more that says she is attracted to me than not. It was all there just like with Stacey only much more obvious. Since Tom was right there the whole time it’s a little hard to believe he didn’t pick up on it as well, but he’s not as observant as I am and would often have his eyes on his phone or paperwork as opposed to her. But it was all there… The things she would say, the body language, etc. I literally saw it in her eyes as the eyes really are the windows to the soul.

What’s interesting is that unless she’s playing games with me and never does contact me, one of my three prayers has been granted. It’s totally a coincidence, though, since anxiety is still an issue and I’m still fat.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2018 My anxiety dissipated early yesterday morning and I couldn’t help but wonder how I would be feeling at the moment had I not skipped my meds. Still trying not to worry that my problem could lie within the medication, but I suppose if worse comes to worst and I’m still having problems a year after not having a period, I will have my dose lowered or skip once a week. Really hope it doesn’t come to that.

Today I’m kind of in the middle where I’m not the calmest I could be but I’m not anxious either.

The park gave notes to all the homeowners with four complaints/requests.

“At least they’re trying to enforce some rules,” Tom said.

Yeah, but in the meantime, we can still be as noisy as we want. rolls eyes

They complained about people parking on the street overnight which should be left for emergency vehicles, people not including their space number on their rent checks, and people dumping gardening debris as well as dog shit in places they shouldn’t be dumped. Gardening debris has been ending up in creeks, greenbelts and neighboring yards. This doesn’t surprise me at all knowing how selfish and inconsiderate so many people are. There was shit one time on the corner of our place but it could’ve been from one of the turkeys. If we ever do start noticing regular shit, we’ll catch them on camera and then I’ll bring their dog shit to them and stuff it down their throats. I totally feel for my sister when she got “shit on” in her park and I would have spoken up too, even if it meant making enemies since most people take complaints, no matter how legit they may be, as if you just said the most insulting, cruel, unreasonable, unfair and meanest thing anyone ever said to them. They act like these little victims that you’re bullying.

Aly misunderstood me and thought my dermatologist appointment was yesterday when it’s really in March. She asked how it went and I thought wow, that’s really nice. She cares enough to ask when I don’t have appointments yet Andy didn’t give a shit enough to ask when I did have appointments. It would sometimes hurt when I would mention that I had an appointment that day or the next day and not a word was said about it unless I brought it up first. All I know is that the less people care about me, the less I care about them. I try to give “equal” attention, too. If I don’t hear from you that often, you won’t hear from me that often. I don’t want to try to weasel my way into someone’s life that doesn’t really want me there, at least not full-time, any more than I would want someone trying to weasel their way into my life that I either didn’t like or felt indifferent to.

Yesterday I finished Socio and it’s just under 16K words. I will begin the editing soon but I don’t know when. I’m not in any hurry. I will be publishing Campus Games this weekend. While it’s gotten tons of views on the UK Authors site, no one has commented yet. I don’t know if that’s because they haven’t found any glaring mistakes or if they’re just too lazy to comment. It’s being submitted to my publishers this weekend no matter what.

I’ve been missing meat so I got a little more this week even though I try to avoid it as much as I can stand to do so. I know I’ll never get my cholesterol numbers good but I can get them close with exercise and a proper diet. I no longer bother to try to lose weight because I know that after all these years, the extra pounds aren’t going anywhere no matter what, LOL. Maybe there will be a breakthrough someday where they’ll figure out how to suck the calories out of food or there will be something we can take without killer side effects, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

Not sure what my next writing project is going to be. I had a couple of story ideas in mind but I’m not sure of anything yet.

Last night I dreamed I was locking a tiny studio or room with a combination lock then began walking down the street. It was a fairly busy urban street. There was some traffic and some pedestrians walking along with me. It was a warm sunny day and I looked at a nearby woman and thought she was dressed a bit warm for the weather.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2018 Last night I had a surprisingly anxious night and where I used to love spending most of my time alone, the older I get, the more I hate it. Yet when he left for work I could still feel the anxiety stabbing in and out of my chest. My heart was a bit racy, too. The question is if I didn’t skip my meds occasionally like I’m doing today, how much worse would it get while I’m still in perimenopause? Probably bad enough. I don’t know this for sure but I’m guessing my heart would race more and I would end up with the runs regularly.

Another question will be what to do if once I hit menopause it turns out that the meds have been the main culprit all along even though we don’t think so. I guess if worse comes to worst I will skip doses once a week or ask to be lowered to 62 mcgs. Funny too, because 75 is a bit of a low dose as it is. Pretty sure 100-125 is the norm.

As always, it’s several factors fighting with each other. If Tom were suddenly retired we don’t doubt that I would feel better regardless of the physiological aspect of what’s going on with me. If he were home every day I would be tempted not to skip and see how I did and whether or not I would get as bad as I was last June when I didn’t skip right away. As I’ve been saying, I wish to hell I could stand the more severe anxiety because it’s just about the best damn diet one could ever be on, LOL.

But yeah, last night I was doing Stacey’s emotional tapping, drinking chamomile and sipping Sleepytime tea as well, but I could still feel the anxiety sitting in my chest.

Poor Aly was in a car accident but she’s okay. That makes both her and her boyfriend. Someone T-boned her by misjudging the yellow light but she wasn’t hit hard enough to activate the airbag. Her car will be fixed this weekend but the insurance is only going to cover 85%.

Tom was saying how he didn’t think he would be able to retire at 62.

“Then why are we discussing moving to Florida before then? Wouldn’t it be stupid to move if you still need to work?” I asked him.

He shrugged and said, ��We’ll always be doing stupid.”

LOL, this is so true for us adventurers, and at 28° I’m definitely ready to do stupid again for the first time in 11 years! Even so, it’s going to take some time and planning. We still have to think about where we want to go, how we want to get there, and what we want to do when we do get there. Having to scramble to get doctors with pre-existing conditions is a little scary, but luckily, we’re not on meds which are an immediate matter of life and death. If we were, I wouldn’t skip my meds every now and then. But still, you know how hard it is to get insurance in this country, and with him being both older and white, it could not only take several months for him to find work, but the insurance could take half a year to kick in as well.

Now for my most interesting news of the day but that didn’t come with some bad news. As suspected, Kathleen was calling about an insurance issue. The insurance company declined to pay for any of my partial crowns so now we have to pay an additional $411. :-(

Really worried about my shittily enameled teeth as insurance companies keep dropping more and more procedures. We can afford crowns now but what happens if we’re broke again? I’m bound to end up needing most if not all of my teeth crowned throughout the rest of my life. So what happens when we can’t afford it? Do I go back to the county quack? In that case, I would rather Tom just pull my damn teeth with a pair of pliers! In this country, I knew they would always prevent everyone from being covered. What I didn’t know was that they would fight to get covered people uncovered. WTF is wrong with this country these days? Should we just go to Spain or Portugal instead of Florida? South America? Hell, I can read both Spanish and Portuguese so maybe we should consider it. I don’t want to keep being told that such and such a procedure is covered just to later find out that it’s not. There should be a law against that shit.

Okay, let me try to check my frustration so I can focus on Kathleen. We ended up chatting for a surprising half an hour! Yes, you read correctly. It was funny, surprising, interesting, and just a very nice conversation overall. She really wiped my anxiety out which meant a lot to me since Tom was at work. I was being stabbed in the chest with anxiety when I returned her call and I hung up smiling happily and feeling calmer. I really appreciated it, too.

I’m going to jump on the skier while I finish this entry. There’s something about being on nights that make me lazier and I don’t want to get diabetes. Tom laughed at that one and said that at this point in my life, he doubts I’ll get it and that I couldn’t be inactive if someone paid me to be for more than a few days at a time. Haha, that’s true. I hate sitting still for long.

Definitely going FO on this one and will drop Tammy a private copy on Facebook. I rarely hear from her and I don’t know if she’ll see it but it will be there. Kathleen is one reason I’ve gotten to be a little more private with my journal. The more friends I make, the more neighbors I meet, the more recognition I gain from writing, the more cautious I am with personal info. Not because I’m shy or care what people think in general, but more out of respect for those I care for. To me, a journal is supposed to be about our lives, including those that affect them. Well, Kathleen has been a little part of my life and probably will become a bigger part of it, and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable stumbling upon my blog and then reading about herself, even if it’s all good stuff. :-)

When Kathleen came to work for my dentist in the fall of 2015, I knew instantly that she liked me whereas I didn’t know right away with Stacey. I don’t think Stacey liked me right away, though. At first, we were so focused on my anxiety, but the more she got to know me and I improved with EMDR therapy, the more she came to see me in a different light. My point is that my intuition has always been right on. There have been those that I assumed didn’t like me that I later found out actually did, but never have I thought someone liked me that I later learned I got wrong. As they say, trust your gut instinct. It’s usually correct.

Now don’t get me wrong. I trust Kathleen and I don’t expect her to ever do anything I wouldn’t want her to do, and it’s not like I’m looking to do things I shouldn’t be doing. If we were single, sure, why not? Just to make that clear upfront, well, it’s different with women than with guys. It’s harder for a lot of guys to be just friends, but remember, she and I are older. We’re not in our 20s. In fact, she’s a lot older than I thought! Really, I was dumbfounded to learn she’s damn near old enough to be my mother.

At the beginning of the conversation, I thought I was doing a fine job of sounding chipper and you know, just “normal.” But then I told her I had to cancel my checkup for now because I have other appointments which may spawn other appointments and there was only so much I could juggle at once.

Then she comes out and asks if I’m okay. Caught off guard by her amazing perceptiveness, I said that I was but I wasn’t but would still be okay, LOL. Then she asked if it was female-related stuff. For a minute I wondered if she’d been reading around since I do have some content on Blogger and resumed the daily updates there in case of another PB outage. But then I did make jokes with the dentist about wishing the hot flashes would occur when I needed them since she keeps her place as cold as a freezer. So when she came out and told me that her daughter was going through the same thing, I started doing the math in my head and was like, okay, how can a woman who’s about 50 have a daughter around the same age that’s going through this? I then asked her how old she was and she astonished me by saying she was 65 and was going to retire next year! I was like, OMG, OMG, OMG! She told me I didn’t look my age either and looked 32 years old, haha. Well, I don’t know about that, but I’ve always looked younger than I am and lighter than I weigh as well.

So we talked about a lot of things. She told me her daughter is into aromatherapy as I am and recommended that and she also asked if I was on Prozac. As I told her, the stuff made me want to kill myself, so no. I told her I’ve only needed one lorazepam since last July so I am improving but in the meantime, I do what I can to get by whether it’s aromatherapy, tea, breathing techniques, etc. It would be nice if there was a pill I could swallow that would take it all away in just a matter of minutes like an ibuprofen can with pain and without the side effects, but that’s just not a reality for me. Anti-anxiety drugs leave me drowsy, and as Stacey said, they don’t always keep on masking the symptoms as you get used to them. My lorazepam is about to expire and I’m probably not going to request a refill either but we’ll see. My doctor is always just a message away if I feel I need it.

We got to talking about places we’ve lived and she’s originally from Idaho and she even lived in Phoenix for a few years back in the 70s.

She’s had anxiety before too, she said, like when she would have to speak in church and teach and all that. That was the one negative word I did hear from her, LOL. Church. As a liberal agnostic, I’m definitely not eager to hang with the religious/God believers, though Kathleen doesn’t seem like the pushy type.

She and her husband sold their house in Folsom and got one in Roseville so she could be closer to where she works.

When I told her that we were thinking of moving to Florida and that may happen sooner than originally planned, she said she definitely “didn’t want to lose me” and “let’s keep in touch.” So this was when I told her that I had been hoping these last few months that she would contact me on Facebook but figured there was some kind of policy preventing her from doing that since she does kind of work for me even if it’s not the same way the dentist does. Then she told me she didn’t do Facebook which may or may not be true. No problem either way. If she has a Facebook account she wants to keep private for just family and friends, that’s fine. The reason I thought she could be lying about the Facebook account was because of the way I once told her to feel free to look me up on Facebook and she said she would. Why would you say that if you didn’t have a Facebook account? On the other hand, I never could find her on Holly or Shannan’s friend list. Either way, she has my number and email and I would actually prefer that to Facebook these days.

It was funny because she was asking me about my books and telling me how she was just amazed by me and all that. Not sure I consider myself all that accomplished or amazing, LOL, but I appreciate the compliment.

We also talked a little about exercise and she said something about how we tend to walk stiffer with age but that she can tell I take care of myself and that I move with fluid movements. Didn’t know she was studying my movements, LOL, but yeah I get around okay for one who’s getting up there in years.

When I thanked her for making me feel better since Tom was at work, she said she could tell how supportive he was and that he adores me, etc. Very true!

What I don’t get is how did she have a half-hour to chat with me. I’ve been there enough times. That phone is always ringing up a storm.

It was hard to read her when I mentioned my books and being liberal and trying to have a diverse set of characters. When she asked me about what my last book was about, I warned her that some of them contain violence as well as explicit scenes, but she didn’t press for more info and I’m not sure if that’s because she didn’t mind reading that sort of thing or because she doesn’t agree with/like that sort of thing. A part of me hopes she’s not curious enough to buy any, especially the ones with characters based on her physical appearance lest she figures that out. Maybe she would have been flattered if she knew beforehand that I was going to base some characters on her but after the fact?

Then again, she’s not the only tall blue-eyed blonde, and maybe she’s the first one I have all wrong. Maybe the fact that she didn’t have much to say about my liberalness and diverse characters is because she’s actually against that and not for it, much less attracted to me. After all, she did mention the church and the vast majority of churchgoers seem to be pretty prejudiced.

Nonetheless, I think I’m going to pull Kinky Katrina even though people say they’re interested in my books a lot more often than they buy them and Kathleen will likely never buy any. Hell, Stacey knows a character was based on her yet she’s still not interested, so I doubt Kathleen would be curious enough to buy anything. “Flora” in Stepping into Psycho has more of a physical description that’s closer to Kathleen’s, but “Katrina’s” story bears more of a resemblance to reality (town names, working for a doctor with a private practice).

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2018 Kathleen left a message while I was sleeping at 1:15… Dammit. So I’ve heard from Palma, Stacey and now Kathleen. Life’s getting interesting for sure. I doubt she’s calling just to say hi, though. However…it’s awfully far in advance of my next appointment to be calling for the only reason she could be calling and that’s to reschedule me. I only beat the clock by 20 minutes and got up at 7:40, But I can stay up until 8:00 and call her then.

Maybe she’s calling to tell me the dentist retired. But then why not just send everybody letters like the joke of an endo I had did when she moved?

My second guess would be that she’s calling about something pertaining to billing or insurance. She didn’t sound any different. She got right to the point and sounded businesslike but not urgent or anything like that. Well, I’ll find out in 10 hours.

I remember quite a bit from last night’s dreams. I entered a large basement that had a few rooms and realized it was so quiet because I had blown a fuse while cooking earlier. Then I realized I didn’t have some air cleaner or fan running in the middle of the place that I usually had running. So I went and turned it on and then I got some kind of a card from my dead uncle Marty. I drafted a reply in my mind beginning with a simple thank you to something a bit more elaborate.

Then I dreamed that I was asleep in some summer vacation rental with Andy and his friend Michelle. This was after I dreamed of cleaning Andy’s place. A vibration woke me up. I then remembered that Andy walked like an elephant. So I got up and walked out of the bedroom I was staying in to where they sat playing cards at a table between the kitchen and living room.

I went to open a cabinet to get coffee and there was some of Andy’s dirty laundry. I said that I would find a place for our dirty laundry so that it didn’t have to sit on my coffee. I decided to throw it on a closet floor. Then he said something about whether or not I would be okay with the “holes” in some of his clothes which I knew he created to make his clothes roomier because he was heavy. I said I didn’t care.

Then I went to ask Alexa what the date was, afraid it wasn’t even mid-August and already wanting to go home even though it seemed we had plans to stay there all summer. Instead of getting an answer from her, though, a male voice spoke instead and said something that had nothing to do with my question.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2018 Just signing in on this torturously cold night. We’re going to be getting down to 28° tonight. I swear I can’t get out of the state fast enough! At least I was able to sleep okay on Sunday and Monday. This was probably only because it was too cold for motorcycles and there was no trash collection.

I sent the office an email giving them a piece of my mind about the insanely loud motorcycle situation, but not surprisingly, I never heard back from them. I don’t know that I’d want to anyway. All they would tell me was that there was “nothing they could do about it because it’s a form of transportation” which really means we don’t give a shit and we don’t want to do anything about it, even though it’s our park and they weren’t allowed in the past and there are certainly less intrusive means of transportation.

The anxiety has continued to get less frequent and I feel confident that I’m through the worst of the perimenopause. I didn’t skip my meds the last time I felt anxious yet it went away on its own so that’s a good sign right there pointing away from the meds. I sometimes feel a bit PMSy, like my body is trying and then stopping, trying and stopping to kick off a period.

Someone asked me what I thought of the gun situation here in the US, and personally, I think guns should only be available to women unless you’re in law enforcement. I know men could still get a hold of them but given the fact that women are in need of protection more than men, and men are almost always the ones responsible for the massacres, I feel men should be banned from guns altogether. I don’t think guns should be banned entirely because when you take the guns away from the bad guys, then the innocent women out there can’t protect themselves or their children if they have any. If I were a mother with children to protect, I would want to be able to get a gun and not have that right taken away just because some people abuse them. If we take away everything that was ever abused in any way, we would be left with nothing.

We haven’t been sick in years yet Tom now has a head cold. It’s been pretty mild so far. I thought I woke up with a scratchy throat but after I had some hot tea, it was fine. I do feel very rundown now, though, despite sleeping better but I don’t know if that’s because my body is trying to generate a period or a cold. I have an autoimmune disease, though, so my body will likely kill it if it is a cold or at least most of it.

We ordered his cold medicine really early yesterday morning before he left for work through Amazon’s same-day delivery. He also got some vitamin C and I splurged on some candy and blueberry K-Cups.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2018 Okay, here’s the latest shit going on here and what we hope to do about it. Beware of lots of swearing in this long rant! My husband is the heaviest sleeper and the most noise-tolerant guy I know yet the fucking motorcycles even woke him up on Saturday when he was taking a nap.

At that point I said, okay, we definitely have to seriously start thinking about moving. After 4.5 years of this shit, I’ve had enough! I’m too old for all these sleep disturbances. Damn the fucking park for allowing these things in here! But do they care that some of us have sleep disorders that cause us to sleep during the daytime? No, of course not. That’s not the whole point, though. Even if I were on days every day… daily motorcycles and landscaping is NO excuse and UNnecessary! It’s no place for a writer whose concentration is easily broken.

I wish to hell I had telekinetic powers! I swear I’d possess and send every single fucking motorcycle flying at 100 MPH right into the office that allows these damn things in here! Tom said he thinks it was a group of four or five motorcycles that came tearing through here and that it still would have been too loud and woken me up even if it had been a block away.

Okay, my sleep has been cursed basically all my life. I get that. That much was obvious decades ago. But, I have slept better in other places. Years ago, had you given me a list of all the places Tom and I would live in and asked me to guess which one I would sleep the worst in, a retirement community would be my absolute last guess. These places are almost not worth it. The only things you don’t have here are screaming kids and barking dogs.

Thinking back to other places I’ve lived in and the vehicles that would pass by the places, some sat there idling loudly for a while, some would be annoying because they would gun the engines, and then there were the car stereos, of course, but I honestly can’t think of any vehicles that were so damn loud that they stand out in my mind. Conveniently, the loud vehicle trend must have started right before we moved in here, almost as if something knew I would be sleeping barely 10 feet from the street and that this would be a great way to fuck with my sleep. I do remember that after Jesse got drunk and totaled a quiet pickup he had (although he claimed a deer ran out in front of him), he got a truck that was surprisingly loud. I was surprised because it didn’t seem that old. Plus he had a friend that visited and they also had a loud vehicle. So I guess that became a thing during our trailer years.

So we looked around at various options… apartments, condos, houses, manufactured homes, houseboats, and high-rises, even though those are more of an LA thing and not common in the West. The problem is that if we stay in the state there is very little we could afford because of the way it is so damn expensive here, yet we can’t afford to take off without a job lined up while he’s under 62. Your average 2-bedroom apartment here starts at $1,600. There’s a 2-bedroom, 1-bath house that’s only 784 square feet yet it’s $110,000. It’s just fucking ridiculous here. Your average home starts at a quarter million. Just because you may make more money here doesn’t mean it’s easy to afford to live here. Even something half this size that’s much older and dumpier in a scummy park would be more than we paid for this place because the economy isn’t as shitty as it was in 2013. Also, if they’re going to allow motorcycles to roar in and out of a luxury community, those that aren’t as nice are certainly going to have the same problem.

Anyway, we thought of staying here, going to Hawaii, going to Nebraska where Aly is, and going to Florida where I have family, and each place has its pros and cons. The only cons I can think of to Florida are that they too, have tons of loud motorcycles, and of course there’s the humidity. Nebraska is cold and snowy, California is expensive, and Hawaii is even more expensive. If money was no object and it came down to strictly climate, I would go to Hawaii. But the most feasible place with the best climate is Florida. Plus, there’s the fact that I not only have family there but also that Aly may very well end up there someday herself.

The thing is… If my sleep is going to be cursed anyway no matter where I go, let’s have it be cursed in a warmer climate, and perhaps not quite as cursed if we can get our bedroom out of the damn street.

So we decided that he’s going to retire when he’s 62 and we’re going to get the fuck out of here probably in 2020. Here’s the catch, though I can assure you it’s totally worth it. We would struggle financially and he would have to get a part-time job once we got to what I’m guessing right now is going to be Fort Lauderdale. I don’t think we’re going to be able to afford Tammy’s area, but after all the shit I’ve been through, money isn’t anywhere near as important as it used to be to me. I’d rather be poor and live well than have money and not be able to sleep so much of the time. As long as we’re healthy and I’m not suffering from the severe anxiety I was suffering from, I’ve had my “rich” days, I’ve gone on my shopping sprees, I’ve had my vacations, and basically, I’ve collected a whole lot of junk I would rather not have to dust. So as long as we can pay for the necessities, I don’t care if we don’t have extra money. As long as we’ve got each other, our health, and I can get some decent sleep most of the time, I don’t need to have the fancy wind chime I might spot in the store or the beautiful dress I may see online or anything like that. The most important thing is being healthy and able to sleep. Being woken up two to three times a week is very hard on the body and it can take its toll on a person after a while, especially if they’re older.

I don’t want anyone reading this to get their hopes up. This is not a definite, 100%-for-sure plan. It’s just something we’re seriously considering right now because the thought of staying here another 5 to 10 years makes me want to beat my head into the wall. If the sounds were more consistent, I would probably be able to adapt to sleeping through them. If I knew that something was going to come blasting through every half hour or so that may actually make it easier than when it’s at random times, with weekends being worse.

I know it won’t do me any good or change the rules, but I do intend to give the office a piece of my mind. The noise levels here are just way out of control. Never have I lived where there was such loud landscaping equipment that could be heard nearly every day, and I’ve lived in plenty of other places where there were trees, shrubs, grass and similar vegetation. There’s just no need, reason or excuse for this shit. I never expected to live in complete silence but it really is too bad that retirement communities aren’t about what I thought they’d be about. I really thought they were for having a quiet, peaceful place to live but apparently, they’re more about being with others your own age. At least here it is.

I know Bob, Virginia and the Twenties aren’t going to be happy about us leaving in a couple of years, but hopefully, we’ll have neighbors as nice as them wherever we end up. Since I’m not expecting that we can go straight to a home, I’m hoping we can find a rental in a high-rise so I can at least enjoy the view while we’re waiting. I think Fort Lauderdale will be the closest we can get to the coast that we can afford. I don’t want to go to Miami because it’s further from Tammy and I’ve heard bad things about the place. I think Fort Lauderdale would be a little safer. Tammy will no doubt be happy to guide us when the time comes, though I don’t know how familiar she is with Fort Lauderdale.

Another thing that makes Fort Lauderdale appealing is that I still hesitate to get that close to Tammy and the girls. Not just because of a potential fallout but because I don’t know that I could trust Tammy enough not to come barging in on us unannounced. She may find it easier to pressure us to do more things with her if we were that close, and while it will certainly be nice to be closer to family, we don’t want to be pestered either. I could be totally wrong about her. Maybe she wouldn’t do any of these things. I just don’t want to have to find out the hard way. It’s kind of too bad, though, because I really liked Stuart and there would be fewer people there, even if it wouldn’t be quite as warm. There are only 15,000 people in Stuart and the median age is 45. There are 83,000 people here and the median age is 35. It’s a few years older in Fort Lauderdale but with a population of 173,000. Springfield now has 153,000 people, and of course, there are over 1 million in Phoenix and over 3 million in Los Angeles. Ugh, I can just imagine the plane activity over LA, since the bigger the city, the more they tend to fly. Hopefully, they wouldn’t be as bad in Fort Lauderdale being on the coast which would mean that half of the place would be water and therefore nothing to fly over. This may actually prevent them from circling round and round as much, and I think “them” are pigs.

I swear it’s almost as noisy here as in Phoenix! I was only able to sleep better there because the bedroom was farther from the road and the place had brick walls and a concrete foundation. But instead of kids and dogs, you hear landscaping and vehicles here. Both places have loud car stereos but that was definitely more of an issue in other places. Sometimes a part of me wishes we were still crammed into Jesse’s tiny trailer even though his mutts would bark for hours and hours at a time. At least they could be drowned out by sound machines. No matter how loud I blast the sound machine when I go to sleep, the loud engines still manage to override it. I was able to get caught up on my sleep, however, because we’re having a cool spell. Tom said there were no motorcycles but just one loud truck that kind of crashed into the speed bump.

If something is cursing my sleep, how convenient that it happens to hit 70° on a Saturday when the motorcycles are more likely to be an issue, huh?

So now we have some thinking to do. Do we do the roof before we go? Do we get a new oven? I’m thinking we’ll probably get the oven but we’re not sure about the roof. We’ve got a couple of months to decide because we’re still in the rainy season. It’s almost over, though. I wish I knew if I was right about suspecting that the drought is going to continue for many years to come. If it is, then it’s not worth doing the roof. But all it takes is one wet and windy winter like what we had last winter and we could have a problem.

The next two years may be the last two years that we have decent money, so we need to spend it wisely. I’m thinking we might still go ahead and add two of the murals we wanted to add because we’ll still be here long enough to enjoy them. Besides, this way I get to experiment with a few different types of scenes so I have a better idea of what to get in our next home.

Again, I could be totally wrong, so please don’t take this literally or get your hopes up too high, but yes, I am officially considering this the beginning of the end and now looking at this house as a place we’re staying temporarily and no longer a “home” in the traditional sense. To be honest, I knew we were making a mistake when we moved in here as soon as I looked at the map and saw the streets wrapping around it and so closely, but we were desperate to get out of the trailer. We wanted more space, we wanted something newer, and I wanted to get away from the dogs. We knew the economy wasn’t going to stay shitty forever so we wanted to take advantage of it while we could and the deal we got on this place. But less than a week or two in this place I knew we’d made a mistake and that we wouldn’t be here forever. It’s just way too noisy for what it is. We would eventually move even if it was quiet here because tropical is one climate we haven’t lived in yet and that I would definitely like to be in, but in that case, we may have waited for another 5 to 10 years.

In other news, I was a little surprised but definitely pleased to hear from Stacey on Facebook. She thanked me for letting her know what’s been going on in my life and said she wasn’t sure if I got her previous message and wished me the best. Has she sent other messages that I didn’t get? It wouldn’t surprise me if she had. There have been many times when I’ve wondered if people have gotten my messages and if they’ve sent anything I didn’t get because I know how screwed up Facebook can be at times. I replied letting her know that that was the only message I’ve gotten from her, that I was glad she got my message, and wished her the best as well.

Writers Cafe has proven to be rather dead and inactive, so I will be publishing with the UK Authors site again so people can look for any errors or discrepancies that need fixing before my stories are submitted for publication on Amazon. I broke Campus Games into 4 parts and 2 just published. On Friday, the other 2 parts will be published. They only publish on Mondays and Fridays.

Tom went out yesterday morning and tightened some circuit breakers and that seems to have helped the flickering a lot. It’s not perfect but it’s much better than it was.

A couple of nights ago I had hip pain that was bad enough to need ibuprofen, but that seems to be doing better. My upper stomach pain comes and goes and I still have rashes here and there but nothing critical.

Having fun exchanging messages with Aly who went on a weekend trip to Boone, Iowa. We don’t know why, but Kim’s lying to her by saying she’s not on Prosebox. I think Kim is just a born liar. Anyway, Aly wants to join again and do some writing projects. Hopefully, it won’t be all about food as she seems almost as obsessed with it as Andy was.

Curious Cat is pretty dead. Oh, they have no problem whatsoever with answering questions, alright, but they sure don’t want to have to ask any in return.

I’m way behind on Bubbly so I will catch up with tons of posts ranting about this and that sometime soon.

The night before last I dreamed of Jesse who was talking to some other guy. Missing the seclusion of country living (but not the hassles, inconveniences, and sluggish internet), I’m not surprised he showed up in my dreams.

Then I was riding in a car with three other people. I was in the back seat behind the driver when the entire side of the car suddenly disappeared and we were driving through some entrance in which I could reach out and touch the wall. Then I was suddenly on a gurney and being wheeled into a place that had indoor “homes” that were set up side by side inside this giant room. I was placed in a section of the room that had a row of gurneys, all empty at the moment. I sat up, hopped off of the gurney, and began to walk through the place before I realized I had left my hot pink purse on the gurney and doubled back for it.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2018 Okay, now that the laundry is done and Aly has stopped blowing up my phone, I can start writing. I created a new blog separate from other things on Blogger which I’ve scheduled journals to post 100 years after I was born. Not sure anyone will see it or that the blog will even exist in 2065, but it’s still cool to do anyway.

Busy tonight doing several different things.

My new purple sweatpants came and they’re actually a bit loose on me. Very comfortable but in need of hemming. Thinking of hemming them with fabric glue instead of sewing because I hate to sew. Tom offered to do it but I would really like to try the glue.

The house across in back is officially for sale. So now it’s just a matter of dealing with the door slamming as they show and tell and then the traffic for the housewarming party. The only thing that sucks about that particular corner is that visitors would be a little more likely to park on the bedrooms than anyone going to see the Twenties.

So, what will be next around here? I suppose in a few months Lawrence may die or move and then I’ll have to deal with that place turning over, too.

Last night it was quiet in the sky and I didn’t even hear the freeway much. Not much plane activity tonight yet, but I can hear the freeway. We’re having a cold spell so I’m not going to go out running tonight. I don’t even know if I’ll work out indoors because I’m still having that upper stomach pain. I’m having it every day and I’m not sure why but I still don’t think it’s anything to worry about. It’s just annoying. If it gets that bad I can just take an ibuprofen and then it’s gone. Anything is better than anxiety but if I still have it in June when I see my doctor, I’ll ask her about it. It’s definitely too high to be my appendix. If it was lower, then I would be worried.

I stopped spotting for now and lost some of the water I was gaining. I’m sure that sooner or later I’ll accumulate enough estrogen to trigger a period.

I was thinking about how my dad said that they couldn’t eat as much as they used to in their final years and how he went from 220 lbs to 188 lbs. But I think that even if I couldn’t eat as much that still wouldn’t be enough for me to lose any damn weight. Not unless it was an extreme amount. Yet I can’t believe I would ever not be able to have more than 1000 calories a day. That would be wonderful if that was the case but I just don’t see that happening.

I slept better than I thought I would the last couple of days. Yes, the trash collectors did wake me up for a split second today but I was able to fall back asleep relatively quickly.

I’m glad to say that the UK Authors site now lets me submit stories. The site was experiencing difficulties, the administrator told me. I’ve come to like the site and it’s way better than Writers Cafe. Writers Cafe is pretty dead. I’ve gotten absolutely no feedback there whatsoever. But I think I’ll just leave things as is rather than delete that account.

Kim gets stranger by the minute with the things she says she gets yelled at and threatened with having her computer taken away. First, she baffles the hell out of me with going up and down the stairs on one leg and getting bitched out for that, but now they threatened her for not turning the light on when she goes to the bathroom, accusing her of peeing all over the seat that way. Gross! Doesn’t she sit on the seat? I mean, unless you’re sitting on the very edge of the seat you shouldn’t have any issues with aiming your pee if you’re a woman.

Last night I dreamed that I got in some heated argument with Tom and stormed off and up to some attic somewhere. I locked myself in a small dark room in the attic and I guess I wasn’t supposed to be there or I didn’t want the two guys I heard entering the attic to know I was there. That dream was really too vague to elaborate much more on.

Then I dreamed I was walking outdoors on a moonlit night. I was walking through some grassy field on a little narrow path and at first I was enjoying myself until I realized that I could happen upon a big cat along the way. Realizing this, I quickly turned and headed back. As I was coming up the crest of a hill I could see the top curly part of a tail and began to panic at the thought of it being a big cat but then I saw that it was actually a skunk. Not wanting to turn back around, I sort of scooted around it and then made it safely to the house I lived in. I then pulled myself out of this strange kind of wheelchair that I hadn’t been in until that second. Then I punched a code into a coded lock, entered the house and realized I felt much better.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2018 With yet another borrow of Evil Amongst the Evergreens, this time with 368 pages read, I feel even more inspired to write. I always write no matter what because it’s fun and what I like to do, but just when I was considering quitting and thinking it might not be worth the work to submit stuff for publication on Amazon, the rise in sales inspired me to keep on plugging away. I still doubt I’ll ever make much doing it, but it’s nice to get royalty checks that can buy more than a loaf of bread.

I set up house at Writers Cafe because I had issues submitting the first part of Campus Games on the UK site. Hopefully, if I have any errors someone will point them out.

We still have intermittent flickering of our lights in parts of the house and Tom got a tool that beeps when placed within the magnetic field of live wires. This will add extra assurance that he doesn’t go electrocuting himself when he goes to fix it.

There’s talk about them having electric cars and even electric motorcycles. It would be so nice to have quieter vehicles out there, but by the time they get everything changed over, I’ll probably be an old lady if not dead.

Unfortunately, not even the nights are quiet a lot of the time. They’re certainly quieter than the daytime but at night I hear plenty of planes and freeway traffic. That kind of background noise isn’t nearly as annoying as traffic roaring by the bedroom or loud landscaping equipment, but sometimes I just want to hear nothing at all. Yet you almost never hear silence here.

I changed the extensions of my documents to docx so I can use them in both word processors. They both have their pros and cons. The new one is less crashy but I can’t figure out how to stop it from putting a blank character at the start of every paragraph.

So far so good today, but last night I got anxious enough that I started getting frustrated and almost cried. I still worry this is mostly on the pills. Tom says so just skip, and yeah, I can do that but not without suffering first since it’s not like I can know in advance when it’s going to strike. To think I might have to deal with this the rest of my life is pretty damn overwhelming since I can’t exactly quit my meds if it really is on that. I’ve still got quite a ways to go before I find out for sure, too. Still think I have a minimum of 2-3 years before I hit menopause. My body tried and made another botched attempt to generate a period. It will try again and keep trying until It succeeds.

Kind of funny how I have a dream a week or two ago about Aly visiting and cooking us dinner and then she tells me she’s thinking of coming out here.

Last night I dreamed I was rearranging furniture and beds somewhere and it was nighttime. The place was pitch dark. I didn’t have any lights on inside and I was scared that there was an intruder inside the place with me. I went out on the front stoop to wait for Tom and it was also very dark out there.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2018 If PB doesn’t get up and running again soon I’m going to think that he conveniently shut it down because OD has resurrected itself. He’s mentioned having little time and money to manage the site, and this would be a convenient time to get rid of it when I think about it. He may figure that now that people have OD to run to, why not? Not me, though. I’ll stick with Blogger.

I have been busier than ever but it’s all good. I just don’t get why I’m sleeping shitty all over again, waking up at times even when traffic isn’t waking me up. After just a few hours of sleep, I had trouble falling back asleep so I got up and made some Sleepytime tea. Half a cup later I was back out again.

Still spotting and putting on some water, but my boobs aren’t sore yet. My next period is probably still a few weeks away but I would rather just get them if I’m not going to hit menopause anytime soon. Being stuck in the middle is the worst place to be.

I’ll never figure out why some people take so long to blow leaves and shit around their place that you would think they had a whole acre or something. Still don’t get why people park alongside the houses they’re not visiting or working on either.

One of the cool things about editing old stories that I wrote over a decade ago is that it’s been long enough for me to forget many details, so it’s like being surprised by my own stories. Wanted to finish Socio a couple of weeks ago but my busy schedule has delayed this. It seems that more really is better, too. The more books you have, the more you sell. But I don’t want to go too fast and mess things up.

Tom has a late meeting at work but on his way home, he’ll be stopping at Walmart. We made a small grocery order to get the free Valentine’s gift, whatever it is. But by then they may be out of supplies because it’s only while supplies last, of course.

Last night we made an Amazon order and I got another explicit coloring book, purple sweatpants, a pale pink sweatshirt, and a set of 12 colorful washcloths after reading an article about sponges and bath gloves being a breeding ground for bacteria. With lichen planus, my skin would appreciate fresh washcloths, no doubt, for every shower I take. I’ll still keep my back brush that’s on a stick. I’ll use my old bath gloves for cleaning and whatnot.

I recently deleted journals that were scheduled to post when I’m 95 and almost certainly dead, but I decided I might create a separate blog Just for future posts I’ll schedule to start posting 100 years after I was born. I don’t know if it will work or if people will see it but it’s still a neat idea.

I’ve begun backing up journal copies by the day on MD and my private Blogger blog while doing it by the month on Tumblr and then PB, assuming it’s ever coming back. The thing is that it’s a lot more work than I thought it would be. It takes about an hour and a half to post on the same day of every year that I wrote. So all the February 13th’s and February 14th’s took about 3 hours to post. Not sure I want to work that hard.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2018 Great. Just great. Now we’ve got vehicles parking on the bedrooms. Can’t swear to it but I think I might have woken up by a thump at one point. All I know for sure is that I slept okay from about 3 AM to 9 AM, but between 9 AM and noon, I slept like I was in the worst of my peri.

I know the SUV that’s parked back there right now is connected to the house that’s being flipped. The question is how many more fucking weeks are they going to take to prep the place? It’s like, come on already! Just sell the fucking thing so we can get all the door slamming from the open house and then the visitors from the housewarming party over with. Meanwhile, if they keep parking back there I’m going to have to tell them hey, park by your own damn place. There wasn’t a single vehicle in front or alongside their place when I peeked out there. Instead, they were parked on us and Jon and Carolyn. I will never understand why people don’t park by those they are visiting or working on.

Trying to sleep during the daytime here is a huge challenge without people making it worse. It was even easier to sleep in the Phoenix house, for God’s sake! I haven’t been surrounded by so much activity since the NHA. It’s unbelievably noisy here with all the landscaping and traffic. I hope the next place will be quieter! I just want a fucking bedroom that isn’t right smack dab in the middle of so much damn activity! Between nine and noon I heard so many fucking loud vehicles. Just so, so many.

The curtains are going to have to go back up in the bedroom due to light issues. Too much light is seeping through the sides of the back window and it’s very hard to control that with the way the second window sticks into the room. I swear someone either walked across the patio or maybe the sun glinted off a car or something because a flash woke me up. The kind of flash where something passes by something that shines brightly for a split second. The sun hits the bedroom windows in the morning. If someone passed by and momentarily blacked out the bedroom, I would have noticed this through my light and thin eyelids and just being the light sleeper that I am who is a lot more aware of what’s going on while I sleep than most people.

To make matters worse, I started spotting last night. So I guess I’ll do this for a week or two until I get a real period, even though I don’t feel very PMSy other than some fatigue.

Life is so fucking unfair! I’m tired of hearing about so many people who have hit menopause sooner than I have, and wishing I could be like those who can sleep through anything without any sound machine going in the background. The stress of having to struggle to sleep through all this traffic when I’m on days for another 5-10 years does not sit well with me at all.

It’s kind of strange knowing that Curious Cat is just a secret between Aly and me. I used to watch her and Kim drop hints about their secret interactions with one another on various sites and remember how left out I used to feel. Now Kim is the one that’s being left out but she’s not smart enough to know it.

Evil Amongst the Evergreens got downloaded from the KOLL but they’ve only read 32 pages so far.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2018 I decided to delete the posts I had scheduled on Blogger for after I die. I guess I just decided I don’t care if my journals live on or not. I’m sure most of what I put on it while I’m alive will, though, and who knows? Maybe they’ll prove to be a fascinating glimpse into the past for some future generations. For now, I don’t care who reads this whether I’m dead or alive. :-)

It was a chilly and windy day but I briefly chatted with the neighbors and went down to the lake to give the ducks some old bread. I swear I’ve never seen so many ducks and geese down there at once!

Aly finally joined Bubbly and I listened to her first post. She sounded a bit shy. She said she might use it for doing karaoke.

She texted me about a site called Curious Cat which is similar to Ask and Formspring only it has a much better and less complicated layout. Still can’t change the background like Andy and I used to do on Ask. But we can change cover and profile pictures. She’s with her nanny family tonight and said she’s going to join tomorrow, and while she hates to be secretive, we agreed not to tell Kim about it because she has a way of hitting us with the same old shit and kind of ruining the fun. I already got one anonymous question asking me if I ever had a crush on a teacher. As with Ask and Form, Cat seems to be dominated by kids.

Last night I had this dream that circumstances beyond our control led us to live in New York. I’m not sure what those circumstances were that got us stuck there, but I told Tom that one way I consoled myself with having to be in such a shitty climate was knowing that I wouldn’t be living in New York forever. I knew we would get out someday. Then I said that had I known we would end up in New York of all places, I would have thought it would be due to somebody framing me for a crime that happened in that state.

So I went out in the cold and snow, heading to wherever. It wasn’t snowing at the moment and was actually sunny. But there were a few inches of snow packed on the ground that crunched under my feet as I walked. Then I was sort of skiing down a road with a slight slope though I don’t know what I was skiing on. It almost seemed like I might have been standing on a mini sled or I had some kind of special shoes on. I passed by a woman who was tall, slender, blonde and maybe in her late thirties. I stopped and asked her if she called to me and she said no. I was then sorry that I stopped because I hadn’t wanted to break my stride.

Then I was at the end of the road in some kind of shed or something, reaching down for a couple of cats that I hoped would get lost because they were a pain in the ass. Then I scratched their heads and felt bad for wishing they would disappear, so I said “Come on,” and started back to the house expecting them to follow me.

In another dream, I was in this room and was afraid of this large dog that was outside trying to break into the room. It was trying to wedge its way between where a window by the door split. Worried it was going to manage to get through, I bravely opened the door a crack to distract it. In this room was a heater that made a bit of a scary spark every time it started and I was afraid it would start a fire.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2018 Yesterday I “accidentally” published my 7th book, Kinky Katrina! I was going to offer it for free but that wasn’t an option. It couldn’t be any less than $0.99. So it’s now available for $0.99!

I forget that Tammy doesn’t always check her email regularly anymore than she checks her Facebook messages regularly. So when I sent a couple of pictures of the doll on Facebook, I assumed that by then she had picked up her email but just didn’t reply. In reply to my Facebook pictures, she said, “What the hell is that?”

LOL, I told her to go check her email. She did and said that I oughta put her in the neighbor’s yard. Haha, Tom and I did joke about her sitting on our bench swing. That would really give Bob and Virginia a real WTF? moment.

I’ve noticed that Palma is on FB regularly, more than she led me to believe. Now that I know this, I wonder if she actually read my message soon after I sent it and just chose to wait to reply so as to make me think she wasn’t on very often. She never replied to the second one.

I was saying to Tom recently that one of the negatives to getting older is that you’ve experienced so much that not much seems new and exciting anymore, and you don’t really expect many more surprises. Well, I guess I need to bitch about that more often because right after I did, I not only heard from Palma, but I may get to meet my cyber bestie!

Yes, my most exciting news is that I may actually be meeting Aly in the fall! She and Jase are thinking about coming out and meeting up with some others as well that are in the Bay Area and they may actually swing up here along the way. I am so excited about that prospect! I would LOVE to meet her, and knowing how well she knows me, I would feel very comfortable with her. In many ways, she knows me better than Tammy and Andy ever did. She’s also very intelligent and she remembers things better than they ever did. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about hiding the doll, haha. But as we also said, we could meet her halfway and save them some mileage if they wanted to as well. If not, I’d love to see her try to lift this doll.

They plan to fly out and then rent a car. She just told me, though, that two of the people they wanted to see would be in Japan at the time, and one of her Fitbit friends is a bit flaky. So they may spend more time closer to us as well as the airport.

We decided not to tell Kim for now because we know she would be jealous and feel left out. It’s just that, as Aly said, she can’t really see herself visiting Kim due to her family situation and since Kim doesn’t drive, so she may not even bother. I can’t see her going to visit Kim even if she wasn’t in the situation she’s in because I can’t believe she’d ever want to go to Connecticut or that she knows many people in the area besides Kim. At least I haven’t heard her mention any before.

This may be stretching it a bit, but a part of me still hopes that we can all meet up in Florida someday. I would love to have a local female friend, and him being retired would be a good time for that. With him working, the weekends are more special and we want to spend it together. But if he’s off 7 days a week, then we wouldn’t lose time together like we would if I had run off to go clothes shopping with Kathleen.

Ah, Kathleen. I’m still both surprised and not surprised that she never contacted me.

There are three levels of the Internet. 6% is the surface web where you can Google things and you don’t need to sign in anywhere to access whatever. Then there’s the deep web which houses things like people’s medical records and stuff they have to sign in for that only they should see. Then 4% of the Internet is the dark web where people either do illegal things or are so paranoid that they want their privacy.

So we downloaded a browser called Tor to see what it was like. It’s super agonizingly slow because of the way it bounces you from router to router to hide your IP. Not worth it to us. We don’t mind who knows what we buy, anyway. We’re not paranoid about being spied on or anything like that and I don’t care who knows my online activity because if you’re not doing anything wrong then you don’t have anything to hide. I wouldn’t even care if the government was snooping into my emails. As long as they didn’t fuck with me, they can look, see, listen, stalk and watch all they want.

I continue to have that light cramping sensation in my upper right stomach but it’s mostly when I first get up. I still think it’s some kind of gas pocket in my intestines.

Where yesterday was rather noisy with freeway traffic and landscaping, today was oddly quiet. Didn’t hear the freeway, didn’t hear landscaping, didn’t really hear much of anything other than some loud car stereos. I wish it could always be like this. The planes got on my nerves Friday night and Saturday morning, too. While they don’t have a set schedule, they definitely do seem more active on weekends. So I set up an air cleaner on my desk like Tom has on his to help drown them out when they get going.

Starting to feel slightly anxious which is really disappointing since it hasn’t even quite been two weeks since my last pill skip. Really hope it doesn’t get worse, but it usually does until I start skipping doses.

My friend Becky was hacked on Facebook so I’ve gone private again because of the way people tend to use your friends to hack you. They made it look like a friend sent her a video that they asked her to log in to view. She stupidly did so and got hacked even though she was able to recover her account quickly. I always try to keep my friend list hidden and things like that. I don’t know why, but it seems like Facebook is what people try to hack the most. I figure the more obscure me and my friends are, the safer we’ll be.

Where it was getting very spring-like weather-wise, the last couple of days have been pretty chilly and cold at night. Yesterday was windy.

I switched the dining room curtains from the Swamp Girl to the Night City and it looks great there. When the light is at a certain level it almost looks like the sunlight is what’s lighting up the windows of the buildings.

Last night I vaguely remember a dream about some guy who may’ve been related to me somehow, having spaghetti sauce all over his face and hands. At least I think that’s what it was. I locked myself in the bathroom, worried about what he might do. I guess he was kinda crazy.

I also dreamed about someone owning a cemetery and suggesting they name it Y’all Come Back, Ya Hear? Then I was staying with my dentist and her husband and writing them stories that they paid me for.

Tom got the oil changed on the car and we went to Rite-Aid where I got pink-red lipstick, blue liquid eyeshadow, gum, a couple of brightly colored dishtowels, and two boxes of fake nails. One of the nails is matte black with gorgeous silvery holographic accents, and the other is bright neon pink-orange with colorful fractal swirl accents.

The lipstick is a cool color but a bit dark for me. It’s the kind you brush on. I decided to pop Suki’s boring nails off and brush some of the lipstick onto her sculpted nails, letting the color stain the “skin.” So now she has her own nail and lip color. Originally I was going to apply a set of fake nails on her, but surprisingly enough, they don’t stick well.

In the book I’m listening to, a girl gets murdered who was selling her used panties online. That’s totally gross but you would think it would be a good way to make extra money. Tom doesn’t think so, though, LOL.

The two things I’ve learned from social media are that most people really don’t have a problem with blacks, whether they favor them or not, and most people seem to think it’s A-OK to come enter the US illegally and stay here. If you haven’t been race-carded and the victim of reverse discrimination, I might be okay with blacks despite their overall behavior, but I don’t get the last one. Not at all.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2018 Yesterday the flippers were annoying on and off by pounding on something and someone was sawing in the opposite direction. The flipper house now has not a for-sale sign but a sign that says “coming soon,” as I saw when I was out walking (it’s almost too warm for walking with a sweatshirt). Good, because I was wondering how many more months they would be working on the place. Since having them here is only delaying the inevitable, let’s get it over with and find out what we’re in for as far as new neighbors go. I’m mostly worried about what kind of vehicle they’re going to have what with how loud so many of them are these days, and of course, California is obsessed with motorcycles.

The apple trees are already beginning to bloom because we’ve had such a mild winter. They don’t usually bloom until March.

No flickering lights today or yesterday, so I don’t know what that was all about or how it managed to fix itself.

Since Kinky Kathleen got over 300 views on the UK Authors site and positive feedback on a few different sites, I was thinking of offering it for free. A lot of people, like me, go looking for freebies in their preferred genres. Well, maybe if they liked it that would entice them to buy my other books. I would just like to change the name Kathleen to something else. That character’s physical appearance is based on someone I know, even though I don’t ever expect them to read it.

Yesterday and today I experienced some lightheadedness. I wonder if it’s because I waited so long to have breakfast. I would feel like this buzzing sensation in my head and then I would feel weak and lightheaded. I’m not diabetic so I’m guessing it’s just getting used to going longer before eating. The thing is I’ve already eaten and I feel a little lightheaded still. Not as much as before, though.

My message to Stacey now says it’s been delivered instead of just sent. So that means the server piped it into her device when she logged in. Even though it doesn’t say it’s been seen, it probably has been.

Same with Palma. She’s been on a few times since I sent my second message, though it’s not appearing as read. She may no longer wish to communicate, but that’s fine. I found her, I thanked her for being a support way back when, and that’s it. I wouldn’t want to be buddies with her even if she lived next door because I don’t think we have much in common. Never expected friends to have everything and anything in common with me, but too much uncommon ground can often call for a serious conflict of interest. As it is, even though Norma hasn’t said as much, at least to me, I can tell she’s coming to dislike me since we’re on different political pages. That’s fine too. I would rather be disliked for who I am than liked for who I’m not.

Many of my messages on Facebook appear to be seen that I don’t get replies to. Are they sending replies that I’m not getting or are they blowing me off?

Like when I asked Marie how things were going with her girlfriend. I noticed the picture of them disappeared from her wall, so maybe this one is already over. No big surprise. With the way Marie is, she’s really doomed when it comes to love. People tend to seek out those that are like them yet two screwed-up people only screw each other up more. Yet she can’t get anyone stable because they’re usually not willing to put up with those who aren’t.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2018 I really, REALLY need to do my best not to eat today. If I can’t starve the entire day away then I need to come as close as I can now that I hit yet another record by waking up at 157. This has got to stop! I’m too short to handle all this weight. It’s really hindering my range of mobility and I can barely sit in the position I would sit in to rock to music anymore. I just hope everything is okay. Tom thinks it is and that I’m just having too much candy. I agree that I still need to cut back on sweets but it still seems a bit extreme that one would gain this much this fast, older or not, dead thyroid or not.

I just need to remind myself that it’s my body. MY body. What size it is, is up to me. Nobody is sitting here forcing food down my throat. The only one that’s doing this to me is ME. The only one that can take control of the situation is me and I need to jump on it or the scale will continue to climb.

Aly was too tired to join Facebook last night under a bogus name as she planned to as she doesn’t want Kim to know about it and because it’s only an account to connect with a few people and follow some groups she likes.

Really hoping she doesn’t join Bubbly and am a little sorry I told her about it because I really like having a place where I can verbally rant without anyone I know hearing it. I think we all need a private playground here and there, even if we’re not doing anything wrong. She said something about issues with the app so I’m hoping she’ll change her mind in the end and not bother, especially since the site is dead and isn’t maintained regularly.

When I got up at 4:30, I saw that Palma had been on 9 hours earlier. I wonder if she’s looking for and perhaps even hoping for another message from me. Well, she’s got one because I decided to send her a second message, this one getting into more detail about how I found her. I told her about Johnson too, hoping she’ll divulge more information about her just out of sheer curiosity, but even if I knew her first name, Johnson is incredibly common like Smith, so I doubt I would find her. Not sure I would want to either as what would I say to her? That I was pissed and hurt that she blew me off but that it turned out to be a good thing in the end?

Last night I dreamed I was in the kitchen with Tom and I was saying how the life I had when we met seems like a separate life from the one I have now as I’ve changed, evolved and grown over the years.

“The lives you had back east were separate from each other as well,” he said, meaning that each place I lived back east was a separate life.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2018 Created an Imgur account to share pics to PB with.

“Hi, Virginia!” I called out to Virginia just as she stepped out of her front door to get her mail, startling her. Yeah, I’m too loud at times, I guess.

She said hello and that they’d been wondering where I was. “Have you seen Jodi?” Virginia said she and Bob asked each other just the other day.

Haha, hiding from the cold, I told her, but now that we’re having very spring-like weather (it’s supposed to reach 72° today) I’m out and about more often, so we’ll catch each other around more. Nice to know they were thinking of me, though, and even a bit concerned.

Some of the lights in the house have been flickering, particularly in the master bedroom, master bath and kitchen. It doesn’t do it all the time, though. The house is getting old so one of the breakers is probably crapping out.

Over the weekend we replaced one of the kitchen plugs that was loose and probably the real cause of the K-Cup coffee maker going out and not the coffee maker itself. So I got a new one for no reason other than that it ended up being a better coffee maker. It was still worth it and it’s still good to have a backup in case one of them breaks for real.

He also turned the front porch light into a smart light. We’ve got it set to white instead of color-changing because most of the time we use it will be if we’re looking for a package after dark.

The toe rings came yesterday and I put two of them on the doll which looks really nice. I’m not impressed with the elastic flower toe rings but the elastic gemstone toe rings are nice. The thing is that they’re a little small for my fingers while probably too big for my toes. I’ll find out later when I take off my running shoes and try one on.

Today I’m expecting my new Turbie Twist towels and some hair accessories.

The flippers are still working on the house but they’ve been doing it quietly. The trellis fence that they put up alongside the carport has solar lights attached to the top of its post that looks nice at night.

I love how I can see how often Palma checks in now that we’re connected. Silly, pointless information but still kind of neat just the same.

Last night I dreamed that while we were still living in an adult community and the Twenties were our neighbors, the layout of the park looked different. Instead of the Twenties being across the street, they were a few houses down. It was only 7:30 in the morning when I heard something loud running, and annoyed, I got up to see what it was. I saw some weird piece of equipment that almost looked like a little tractor parked in front of the Twenties and figured that whatever it was had to be important for them to be running it so early. I walked up to the thing to read the writing on it to get a sense of what it was and what was going on. On the side of the machine, it said Man-Eating Testicles. LOL

In another dream, I remember riding in a car and feeling very cold, and then there was something about Tammy calling me to say something bad about Lisa. It was either something bad that Lisa did or something bad she said about me. I quickly assured Tammy I wanted nothing to do with her.

Hell, I wish Lisa would dump Tammy or at least do something bad enough to drive Tammy away! In this day and age, I just don’t see that happening, though.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2018 Got some surprising news! But first I want to go in order of events.

When Sarah left a message on Tammy’s wall thanking both her and Becky for being there for her during hard times, she concluded with, “It’s nice to know who’s there for me and who’s not.”

I couldn’t help but wonder if that was aimed at anyone in particular. Why else would you say that in a case like that? And could she have been referring to me? I wondered this but only briefly before I dismissed the possibility. After all, I’m the one who tried to interact more with them, but understandably, they don’t want an aunt who’s much older than them and that they don’t know well on the other side of the country being that involved in their lives. So no, I’d say it has nothing to do with me.

Yesterday morning we went to the IHOP and while the music wasn’t as loud, somebody just had to bring their brat. It was there when we arrived and I thought to myself, I’m sure it will be there the entire time. It was, too. It was still there when we left. It let out a few shrieks and screams but it could have been worse.

The food was okay. Not as good as I remember it to be the last time because the meat was kind of tough and the french fries were a little dry and overdone. But it was still good.

Today I’m feeling okay but yesterday I was light-headed for some reason. This time a week ago I was pretty anxious so I’m glad I’m not… Until it gets me again in what? A couple of months? A couple of weeks? Maybe even a couple of days? Well, we’ll find out. Again, I hate to think I’ll have to live with it on and off for the rest of my life since it creeps up on me without warning, but I realize that’s a very real possibility.

A few days ago I had a scratchy throat when I woke up, but sure enough, my body fought it off in about 4 hours and kept it from manifesting into a cold.

My next book for publication is likely going to be College Romance, but I want to change the title. The title is lame, and it implies that it’s a romance when it’s actually more suspense than romance. I was thinking I might go with something like Campus Games since Campus Killer or Campus Nightmare seems a little too common sounding.

I’m amazed and pleased with the rise in book sales lately. Maybe more really is better even though I still have no reviews. The fact that there are 3 copies of Evil Amongst the Evergreens being checked out via the lending library, makes me wonder if any of the readers could be connected to Maliheh.

Okay, so here’s my surprising news. I got up, checked my phone, and even though I was still tired, what I saw made me run for my computer. It was a message from Palma! I was surprised alright, but I’m sure she was too, to get a message from a former inmate, framed and vindicated or not. I was also surprised that she didn’t remember me because I not only don’t have many look-alikes, but I wasn’t there for the typical reasons. Most charges are for drugs and prostitution. She may remember me in time just like it suddenly hit me that her first two initials were JM, not JA.

Anyway, it was a nice message. I was definitely surprised when she said it was good to hear from me after all these years, LOL. I don’t expect to exchange messages very often as she is one who tends to keep to herself and is a very busy person, but she said I could remain on her friend page, even though she doesn’t appear to have actually accepted the friend request. She also pointed out that we may not agree on everything, but that’s okay. I know that we’re different in a lot of ways and that’s fine. Her message was very nice and unexpected. She said she left the sheriff’s office as part of a career move she felt she needed to make. She congratulated me on the digital books and said she was glad that I was doing well, thanked me for keeping her in my thoughts all these years, and was glad that she could help make an impression for the better on me during those hard times and how we can achieve things in the face of adversary and things like that. She said she hopes God continues to bless me, LOL. For some reason, I would roll my eyes at just about anyone who said that but it’s okay coming from her.

Tom was a little surprised that I heard from her as well. When I asked him to guess if I heard from her, Stacey or Kathleen, his guess was Stacey. That’s exactly what my guess would have been too, even though I did tell Stacey she didn’t have to get back to me.

Because I was still tired, I took a nap for a little while really early before Tom left for work.

Last night I dreamed Aly flew out to visit us for a weekend and she cooked us dinner. I don’t remember what she cooked, though.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2018 Kim says her SIL is back to threatening to take her things away if she keeps making these grunting sounds she supposedly makes. Okaaayy… the SIL is either crazier than Kim or those are some grunting sounds she’s making!

I touched up Suki’s lips again and they look great. The color may fade over time but it’s easy to apply lipstick on these heads because if I press down on the chin, the mouth opens a bit and makes it easier to apply it.

Ordered a bunch of colorful toe rings and hair accessories, and he got some electronics-related stuff. I also grabbed a pack of Turbie Twist towels, something I really like to have now that I’m growing my hair.

I wonder how many more years the reality TV craze is going to go on. I miss having a variety of shows, but everything is either reality or foreign. If I don’t want to deal with foreign accents I have to choose between murder cases, sex cases, drug cases or prison life if I want to watch something while I eat, something I’ve been in the habit of doing. I just finished the murderous affairs, so I guess maybe the hookers can now entertain me while I eat.

The lack of variety is frustrating. Have people really lost their creativity? Even the different Law & Order series are pretty much the same old, same old. They just happen in different places.

Last night I dreamed I was on a small boat on the ocean with a couple of other people. We were far from the shore and it was nighttime. When we cut the lights on the boat there was pitch blackness all around us and the lights coming from the shore seemed like nothing little specs.

It got up to 70° yesterday and it’s definitely showing signs of spring now that I have to sleep with the fan on when sleeping during the daytime. Except for last winter, we’ve been in a drought for something like half a decade or more. I think this is how it’s going to be most years, though. November was kind of wet, but we barely got a five-minute sprinkle in December and just a few days of rain in January.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2018 RIP Max. He was Tammy’s dog which she adopted from our parents after they died. He was 14, though. Not 16-17 like I thought. She posted the news on Facebook and several people, including myself, commented. She thanked everyone but me for their comments.

Last night I dreamed we were living in an adult community that looked different than this one and I was kind of bummed out that the house next to us of all houses was a rental. I looked out our living room window and saw a stout black woman gazing at one of our plants at the front corner of our yard. There seemed to be more space between the house and the road. I figured she rented the house next door. Then I saw a turquoise pickup leave the front of that house that I knew was driven by a park worker.

Then I dreamed that this guy moved into a house a few houses away and I introduced myself to him and went through this long detailed spiel about where we lived and all that. He then politely smiled and said “Okay” in a tone that suggested that was quite a load of info for him to digest all at once.

I walked away wondering why I couldn’t have kept it short and simple and why I needed to describe something in three or four sentences that could have taken just one. LOL

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2018 Wow, congrats to me! I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever woken up at, 156.0. I really need to stop fighting this losing battle and just eat when I’m hungry. I should still try to avoid cholesterol and sugar as much as I can for my health’s sake, but other than that, trying to keep from gaining weight over the years is going to be impossible.

I dreamed I had rats and a guinea pig. I called the rats home by shaking their food container. The guinea pig, not as intelligent, didn’t come when it heard the sound. I called out, “Gabera,” or something like that.

Then I had a dream I was on probation and my slim (dark-haired/eyed?) female probation officer showed up one morning. Tom made a comment about her not coming around so early and when I looked at the clock I realized it was only 6:30 in the morning. The fact that it was light at that time makes me think it was summer. Anyway, the PO seemed completely out of it like she was drunk or high on something. She was unsteady on her feet and could barely speak clearly.

In the last dream, I was at a diner or restaurant of some kind where I was supposed to meet Tammy and the girls. Having mixed emotions about associating with them, I decided to leave an insulting note regarding their weight and said something about them being a bad influence on my own weight. But as I started to walk away, I felt bad for it so I turned and retrieved the note before they could arrive and read it.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2018 Rather than skip a second dose today I decided to cut off my waiting time at 15 minutes instead of 30. Feeling good so far. I was actually back to normal yesterday. Calm and not the least bit nervous about being left alone. My only complaint right now is that stomach pain. It’s mild but just enough to be noticeable and annoying.

Still wondering the same thing I’ve been wondering for years since I started the medication at the same time I went into perimenopause… Is it the medication? Is my thyroid having pocket flares? Is it perimenopause?

Tom thinks it’s a combination and so do I. The fact that backing off the medication as soon as the anxiety kicks in makes it better shows that the pills do indeed have a hand in it. When I used to keep taking the medication when the anxiety would rear up, the anxiety would get worse and worse to the point that I would have a racing heart, the runs, and weight loss. And we know this medication can make me feel beyond horrible without my TSH going below 0. Trying 88 mcg and hitting a 3 proved that. I don’t know how much of the peri is responsible but I definitely suspect pocket flares. When my TSH is high I’m about a 10 but when my numbers are low they’re not much higher than 3, and I think it’s when they get there that I start to feel anxious. The only thing that points away from the pills/gland as the root cause is the lack of lung tightness and mind fuckers as I call them. Right before I would have severe anxiety attacks I would have lung tightness, flashes of dread going through my mind, as well as jitteriness.

Although my heart hasn’t raced or pounded lately, it sometimes does weird things. It doesn’t scare me because I now know that it’s harmless but I still don’t like it when it flutters. I don’t mean for just three or four beats either. Sometimes it flutters for several seconds and the fluttering is quite quick, almost more like a vibration.

I got my banana cream K-cups today and the outside light we ordered for the front arrived today, too. It looks stylish at the same time it looks a bit old-fashioned. It’s square-shaped with frosted glass. The wooden box has some kind of leafy vine carved out of it. It looks like something you might have seen in the 70s yet it’s modern and stylish at the same time.

The clip-on earrings are actually for pierced ears but the dolls can still wear them. Maybe I’ll pierce their ears sometime. They’re not light blue like they said they were either, but they match the blue eyes perfectly so maybe I’ll just leave Gia’s eyes blue. They’re going to stay the way they are at least for a while as I don’t want to mess with the eyes too much and risk damaging the “skin” around the eyes or ruining the eyelashes. The earrings are perfect. They’re exactly what I wanted for them. I didn’t want anything small like a stud that would be hard to see nor did I want anything too long that could get tangled in the hair. I just wish I could move this bitch!

The new bra is weird. You don’t get much support from it and it’s a little uncomfortable pulling on the back of the neck, but I can see where it would do a good job absorbing sweat. It’s going to be a treadmill accessory.

What may be a PBer bought one of my books, and someone’s reading the one I republished through the Kindle lending library. I can tell they’re all in the US but not where in the US. What’s cool about it is that I can track their page-reading progress. They were on page 55 before I went to bed. When I got up they were on page 72. When I checked a little while ago they were on page 85. So 45 more pages to go!

A PBer said that every time she goes a year without a period, she then gets one. This has been happening for 4 years and she’s now 53. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I had more periods to come even though I don’t feel the least bit PMSy at the moment. Just fat. But even so, food really is one of the greatest pleasures in life. So much so that I gave into my sugar withdrawal last night and went to Walgreens to get a sugar fix.

As we were pulling up to the store, the pigs were in the parking lot focused on this one car. At first, I thought they were arresting someone. But then, as I was inside spraying on perfume testers and picking out what sugary naughties to stuff myself with, a cop who barely looked fresh out of high school let alone the police academy asked us if the turquoise Toyota was ours. Tom told him the gray Caddy was ours. Gotta admit the skinny cop seemed so kind and innocent of any kind of corruption but perhaps he just hasn’t been on the force long enough to acquire some of the hardened machoism so many of them end up with.

On the way out, the bacon decided the best place to stop and gab was right smack dab in the middle of the main entrance to the parking lot so we had to make a small detour.

I got a text from Aly saying she didn’t feel well. I guess she and her boyfriend are coming down with colds. She was telling me that Kim had mocked her for being in a poly relationship like she once was and even though we agree she doesn’t mean anything bad by it, the jokes do get old. She doesn’t tell her much anymore because she either doesn’t get it or overdoes the teasing. I’m getting a taste of that on account of the doll, haha. “Does she cook for you? Does she clean for you? Can she make you coffee?”

Last night I dreamed that my teeth fell out. It seemed to be mostly my upper teeth.

Then there was something about some household having a $200 TV package. I think that’s $200 a month they were paying and it might have included music as well.

Then I was in a rectangular shape bedroom and some house with two full-size beds in it. Tom was in one of them and what I think might have been Mary (Miss Perfect) was in the other one.

Sensing that Tom was asleep but Mary was awake and not caring, I told Alexa to turn on the lamp that sat on a tall dresser by the door. When she failed to respond I went out of the room and into the kitchen. A few minutes later I returned to the bedroom and found the light was now on which I assumed Mary had turned on.

Then I started sorting through these clothes that were piled up in the corner of the room between the wall and the bed Mary was lying in. I looked at her as she lay on her side with her back facing me, thinking that there wasn’t much room for me to sleep on my side, though why I wasn’t sleeping in Tom’s bed instead is beyond me.

I knelt down to go through the clothes and noticed something long and skinny that was similar in size to a match. When I touched it I realized it was a bug and it fluttered away.

Later…

Decided to get another pair of brown eyes for the doll heads so I don’t have to change them so often since I’m just not a fan of the blue eyes as realistic and as pretty as they are. As I may have mentioned before, the more I change the eyes, the more likely I am to disturb the eyelashes and tear the “skin.”

My pink vibe broke as I think I also mentioned, so I’m going to be getting a light blue one in place of it sometime. It’s also a USB charging one like the other one.

I went through and picked out a bunch of toe rings for the doll and myself.

I’m new to this ForeverDita diary site. Every now and then I do a search to see what comes up for online diaries and journals and I came across it that way. It’s pretty dead but I’m giving it a try just for fun. This one allows you to insert images easier to decorate the entries with.

The bad news is that in the middle of my day, the anxiety kicked up a bit. Usually, if I’m going to feel anxious, it starts within the first hour or two of my day. Fortunately, I was able to fight it relatively quickly. It started after Tom and I went for a walk. I could feel it in my chest and once again I began to worry that it could be the new me as of 2014 and a permanent problem for the rest of my life with the only question being whether or not I would get it every few days, every few weeks, or every few months. I really really hope it’s the perimenopause and that it’s not a forever thing but I have nothing to really say otherwise until I see what happens. But I did Stacey’s emotional tapping, drank some chamomile tea, ranted on Bubbly, and put lavender oil in my diffuser.

I also got rid of a couple of perfumes I had that I was into when the initial trauma struck. I think most people who go through a traumatic event have some kind of trigger, be it a particular smell, food, song, place, object, etc.

[ireceived-p8250000]

November 10-16, 2013

Sunday, November 10

The news was devastating. The death toll from Typhoon Haiyan, which had ravaged Tacloban, continued to climb, reaching staggering numbers. The images and stories coming out of the affected areas were heart-wrenching—families torn apart, homes obliterated, and entire communities left in ruins. It felt as though the world had shifted on its axis, leaving a deep sense of sorrow in its wake.

Determined to help, we decided to donate comforters and other essentials. I took the initiative to organize a donation drive through the Psych Soc. We focused on collecting necessities like blankets, tents, sanitary pads, and diapers—items that would provide immediate relief to those who had lost everything.

Tuesday, November 12

Exams were fast approaching, so I needed to buckle down, especially for Abnormal Psychology. Mansoor was absent, busy with his own donation drive efforts. Despite my best efforts to focus, the news of the typhoon's aftermath kept infiltrating our conversations and lectures.

In the afternoon, I attended classes, but it seemed impossible to escape the constant updates about the devastation. During History, Sir Apollo assigned me another activity to make up for what I missed last week, particularly due to my travel.

"Uh, Sir, can I submit this Saturday?" I asked tentatively.

"Bakit na naman?" he asked, a mix of curiosity and irritation in his voice.

"Sasamahan ko po kasi parents ko sa Camp Aguinaldo in Quezon. My dad is really old, so he can't navigate bureaucracy processes anymore."

He asked more about my family, and I answered briefly.

"Ang bait mo namang anak," he said, a hint of admiration in his voice.

On top of everything, my fake tooth was falling off. I told my mom immediately, and she said we could visit the dentist tomorrow after my classes.

Wednesday

I attended my morning classes, trying to stay focused despite the overwhelming news about Typhoon Haiyan. I had to skip the first hour of Experimental Psychology for my dentist appointment. My dentist reattached the crown using dental cement, carefully securing it back in place. The procedure was quick, but I still felt anxious about missing class.

I made it back in time for the rest of my classes. Mansoor was extremely busy with the donation drive, but he still managed to send me sweet messages. His "good morning" texts and lunchtime check-ins were small comforts in a stressful week.

After classes, I started preparing for our trip to Manila. I packed my bags, making sure I had everything we needed. My parents and I decided to rest for a bit before our late-night departure.

At 11 PM, we left for the bus station. The city was quiet, and the night air was cool as we waited for the bus. Once we boarded, exhaustion took over, and we slept through the journey, grateful for a moment of peace amidst the chaos.

Thursday

We arrived in Manila at 5 AM. Ran was with us, making the trip a bit more lively. The last time I was here, I was 13 and had begged my parents to bring me because I had never been to Manila. Now, I was here to help my parents navigate some bureaucratic processes.

It was incredibly hot, humid, and not exactly pleasant. We finished our business, but I wanted to stay and explore the city. I pleaded with my mom, explaining that I could manage on my own for a day. But they were adamant about heading back. Despite my recent international travel, they wouldn't let me have a day to myself in Manila.

In hindsight, it was probably a good decision. I was sticky, dirty, and desperately in need of a shower. We arrived back in Baguio at 9 PM. I took a long shower, reviewed my notes, and went to bed. Robbie had collected new handouts for me and mentioned we had homework in both subjects.

I slept soundly, exhausted from the day. I couldn’t believe exams were next week. I hadn't participated much this Midterm.

Friday

I went to class and focused. Also my work I don't want to lose it so i have to spend time on that.

Saturday

I submitted my homework, feeling a sense of relief. Our group met to finalize our project, and we drew Dissociative Identity Disorder as our topic. Divina, Belle, and I volunteered to work on the script. I had already researched several case studies. We created a group chat to keep everyone in the loop.

It was Intramurals basketball day, and Sir Apollo gave us permission to watch. I opted to stay back and work on the documentary script. My laptop and iPad were open in front of me when Sir Apollo struck up a conversation.

"May boyfriend ka na ba?" he asked.

I looked at him, wide-eyed and speechless.

Before I could respond, Myla came to my rescue. "Halika na, ang sipag sipag mo mag-aral," she said, starting to pack my gadgets into my bag.

"Saglit," I hesitated, but she was insistent.

"Doon mo na gawin yan," she said, pulling me out of the classroom and away from the awkward flirtation with Sir Apollo.

CAS vs. CBA was the game, my department against Myla's. After Ecology, Mansoor was waiting for me. We walked together, but I couldn't shake the memory of my earlier interaction with Sir Apollo.

As we walked past the faculty, Sir Apollo exited. We locked eyes for a moment. Mansoor greeted him politely, and he smiled back.

"Prof ko yun," I told Mansoor.

"Ako din nakakasama ko din sya sa mga outreach," he replied.

I nodded, feeling a mix of emotions. Whenever memories of Sir Apollo surfaced, I tried to be more affectionate with Mansoor. I held his hand, kissed him, rested my head on his chest or shoulder. I became extra sweet, trying to suppress my confusing feelings for Sir Apollo.

Back home, I used my toy again, but Sir Apollo's image kept intruding on my thoughts.

[apatcheworkofproblems]

A lot of things have happened and changed for me this year, starting at the end of last year! Some good things and some bad things but it’s been an interesting and busy year.

I was still staying at my grandmothers dilapidated trailer(at the end of last year) after she went into the hospital for a stroke, like she asked me to. (We were living together before, so I was used to it) And I was left with taking care of her three dogs and mine.(all chihuahuas) She lets me take her card to go to the store to buy food for me and the dogs, as well as other necessities. Like normal but I come home alone.

Nana(my grandmother) was moved from the hospital to a assisted living facility to get better, longer term care. This, unfortunately, was a few towns over so I couldn’t just walk over to see her anymore. This also means that I couldn’t just borrow her card anymore to go the store and I had to rely on her sending me a check($200) to put on my account so that I could still get necessities or I had to somehow do it online if I could with just the card info. Her sending me money only happened once or twice before she started forgetting and saying that money is all I must care about since I ask about it when we talk close to the beginning of the month. She hates the place she’s at and wants to come home and that’s what I should care about.

Started having sleep disrupting pain in my face and jaw. Mom made go to ER. There was an infection in one of the erupted wisdom teeth I had been ignoring. Most of the center of the tooth had rotted down to the nerve and had started sending some serious pain signals up and down the right side of my face.

Found out that my state insurance could try to find me a dentist that would take my insurance instead of the other way around the way it used to be. Awesome. And they would pay for everything including the ride there and back!(good thing too, since the nearest one that could take me was a 45-60 minute drive away) The only thing that they don’t pay for is being put to sleep for the removal but they would pay partial instead.(so I was awake but only vaguely remember anything, other than how bad it hurt for the rotted tooth to have been pulled. That memory was semi clear.)

It was because of how bad that one tooth was that the dentist decided to only do the three that erupted and wound do the last one after I healed a little.

A few weeks after, I was told that I couldn’t stay at the trailer anymore. It was December with single digit temperatures and I was still recovering from wisdom tooth removal but there was no real heat in the trailer(though, I was trying to use space heaters), the water froze completely, and the electricity was being funny so I couldn’t make food anymore. I was starting to get scared.

I was technically homeless(more like couch hopping but I was told by several people that I was considered homeless) after that. This is how I started this year. Sleeping on my mom’s too short couch. I spent the next 5 months like this.

Mom helped me as much as possible with dogs, since by that point nana was no longer helping me with buying food. The money she was giving me before was no longer coming and she was very upset at me for leaving the trailer(and all of *her* things) unattended.

I got my last wisdom tooth removed a couple of months after the first three. Wasn’t nearly as bad, even though I got stitches this time. I felt better. After 3-4 years of knowing and feeling that my wisdom teeth were trying to come out and causing my jaw to ache when I ate anything harder than a bologna sandwich, they were finally gone.

Mom made me go to therapy to talk about things. She believes that nana verbally and emotionally abused me for the last 8-9 years that I was living with her. She also wanted some tests and stuff done. This was the longest time I’ve spent with her in the last decade and she thinks I’m still like the young teenager that was at her house last, that I literally haven’t changed at all. This was backed up by my sister-in-law, who was actually the one that pointed out that I apparently didn’t act or think like a neurotypical adult of almost 30. I was diagnosed with ADHD(hyperactive and impulsive type) when I was in high school so obviously I wasn’t neurotypical duh, but okay.

Went to see therapist once and was immediately referred to the nearest neuropsychology place for testing. Found out the place is booked out for consultations for three months. Fun.

I was able to bring one of nana’s dogs to stay with her. She chose her favorite, the smallest, most spoiled one. I’m glad she got to have at least one of them with her but that still left me with 2 of hers and mine.

My thyroid stopped working right and I had to start taking medication for it.

Mom helped me get in to see some social/behavioral health workers to help me with getting better living conditions.

I see a therapist regularly now.

Social workers helped me get approved for food stamps.

Finally got the neuropsych consultation and set up testing day. Didn’t have to wait nearly as long for that, only a week and a half. Spent 6 hours doing tests for my brain, only taking one break for lunch. Had a bad migraine after. :(

Testing results came in. I have ADHD but the inattentive type instead of what I was told as a kid and autism spectrum disorder. Oh. Huh. Psychologist said based on the info and everything that he thinks that it would be very, very difficult for me to actually get and hold a job sustainably and recommends me starting the process of getting on disability.

With the help of my social/behavioral workers, I got approved for my very first own apartment. I had to sign up for a section 8 HRA voucher and get state assistance but I have my own place for the first time in my life. :) It’s even in mom’s same building, so I can just go downstairs to see her.

Me and mom are no longer able to take care of the dogs. She could get in serious trouble with her apartment building for have mine/nana’s three dogs in addition to her own two pets in her apartment and I can’t have all of them in my new place either. Buying food for them is becoming too expensive for her. Nana said that she can’t afford to send money anymore(not that she had been for a couple of months now) and finally, after a lot of back and forth, finally agreed to let them go if that would be better for them. They were all older, had health problems, and had never seen a vet, which we couldn’t pay for either. The only problem was that local shelter charges almost a $100 an animal to take in older ones that have health problems and don’t have any shots.

Mom was finally able to get the dogs to a shelter. She had me stay home while she took care of it. I had to make the decision if I could keep my dog. Unfortunately, I couldn’t pay for her vet stuff in order to legally have her in my place. I was getting no cash assistance from the state yet so I couldn’t get her food or anything else. I had to make the decision that she deserved a better life. I let mom take her to the shelter too. :,( (at least I was able to know that she and the others got taken care of and adopted. The shelter has a Facebook page and made some posts about them with pictures.) I miss them, sometimes.

With the help of my brothers I got all of my things out of the trailer. All that’s left there is nana’s stuff. She’s still very upset about it.

I got approved for cash assistance from the state and can now pay my own bills in my own money! :) I got the electric for my apartment in my name, it’s the very first bill of my own that I pay. I feel very adult. :) :)

Mom got me a Nintendo Switch for my birthday. :) I’ve wanted one since they came out.

Saw nana for a Christmas party at the nursing home she’s at. One of my younger brothers took me. She hadn’t seen him since she was in the hospital. He only recently got his car to where it could travel the 45 minutes to where she was and not have to worry about it dying on the way. I gave her a blanket that I crocheted. She liked it a lot.

That’s all of the important things I can think of. :)

This is the most things that have happened to me in a long time. Sorry for the stupidly long post but I wanted to write it all out.

I’m hoping that next year will be a great year.

[study-coffee-chicago]

Seasons of PD: Season 7: Don’t You Ever Do That Again, You Hear Me? (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister! Imagine)

A/N: There are mentions of B1ack Liv3s M4tter (apparently this ended up in that tag, so I changed the wording, so hopefully it’s not there anymore) in regards to peaceful protests in this. And there are mentions of counter-protesters causing riots. I tried my best to portray this as professionally as possible with Y/N's views, Kevin's views, and Jay's views. I did not try to offend anyone at all and I'm very sorry if I did.

Also, I don't know if one part counts as threat of sexual coercion, but I'm fairly certain that's what it's called, so trigger warning for that.

Your age: 18

Jay's age: 32

Will's age: 34

"I get that it's important to you, but I'm not letting you go!" Jay argued as you stood across from him in a screaming match.

"Why? Because You don't believe the same things as me because you haven't met a bad cop? Because you fought for this country and know people who died for it?" you yelled back.

"Yes, me being a cop and a soldier obviously has something to do with this! But I'm also trying to keep you safe! They turn into riots!"

"You do know that's not the Black Lives Matter protesters who start them, right? They're peaceful. Counter-protesting assholes come and start things to give peaceful protesters a bad image!"

"I don't want you to get hurt if something happens! Tear gas hurts, kid. I don't want you to come home with burning eyes and the possibility of going blind and tell me I'm right. I'm trying to prevent that!"

"I know you are, Jay! I just want you to let me have my own damn opinions and do what I want for once!"

"Has a cop ever hurt you in some way? Pulled you over illegally?" Jay roared.

You wanted to tell him your story about something like that that had happened five weeks ago, two weeks after the infection scare across the entire city, but you couldn't because you knew he'd do something stupid and you didn't want that. "No, but--"

His phone rang, cutting you off. "I'll be there," Jay said quickly. Then, he turned back to you. "I gotta go, caught a case. I'll see you later and we can talk about this. Calmly."

"So, you're saying there's a chance you'll let me go?"

"There's maybe a .001% chance, but sure, believe what you want."

You rolled your eyes and he left. But, as he shut and locked the apartment door, he stopped. "Love you," he whispered. Because, with what he did on the job, he knew that there was the possibility every day of him not coming home to you.

***

When you woke up, you were shocked not to see a text from Jay between 3 and 5 am saying that he wouldn't make it home tonight. He usually made it a priority when on a case to tell you that he wouldn't be coming home so that you wouldn't worry.

But, there was a voicemail from him around 11 pm last night and it was currently 9 am.

You put your phone on speaker and played it.

"Hey, Y/N, I'm sorry about arguing. If you really want to go, I think Kevin has his RDO tomorrow so I can see if he's going if you-- OW!" Then, the line just continued playing, and dragging noises were heard until there was a crash and the line went dead.

"Jay? Jay?" What the hell had happened? You quickly replayed the message to make sure it wasn't an issue with your phone, but when you heard the same exact thing again, you knew something had gone terribly wrong.

You went to dial Hailey's number to ask if she had seen Jay when there was a loud knock on your door. You quickly ran across the apartment and looked out the peephole. You saw Hailey and Adam and quickly flung open the door.

"Hey, Y/N," Adam said as he entered.

"Have you guys seen Jay?" you asked.

You saw Hailey visibly swallow. "Listen," she started, but you cut her off.

"What happened? What's going on? He usually texts me if he's going to be working until the morning and I didn't get a text and I got a voicemail and--" You took a deep, gasping breath.

"What voicemail?" Hailey asked as she placed a hand on your shoulder.

"I- It cut off partway through and he yelled and-- wait, he wasn't with you?"

"No," Hailey answered. "He said he had some personal stuff to take care of when we were at a scene and then took off. Then, he never came back, so we decided to check here to see if he just came home or something happened."

"He never came home." Your eyes widened, finally processing what it meant if he wasn't here and Intelligence couldn't find him. "You're telling me he's missing? Again? Oh, no. This can't be happening, not again. Not after our fight last night. I didn't even tell him what happened or that I loved him or--"

"Y/N, I need you to take a deep breath," Hailey told you and you tried to match her breathing. "His radio might just be dead or something like that." She knew that she was lying, but she was trying to stop you from freaking out. "Can you give me your phone so Adam and I can listen to the voicemail?"

You nodded and handed Adam your phone. He pressed play and you watched as his jaw clenched as he was listening to it.

"Shit," he muttered once he was done. "We need you to come to the district with us. Just for safety."

"Can you give me a minute?" you asked. "I- I'm in my pajamas and I haven't brushed my teeth and--"

"We'll leave in half an hour, okay?" Hailey asked and you nodded. "While you're getting ready, we'll send the voicemail over to Kim and Kev. Jay's gonna be okay."

"How do you know that?" you almost whispered.

"Because Jay's one of the strongest people I know," she answered. But, in reality, she wasn't sure about that. They had no idea where he was and according to the timestamp on that voicemail, it had been a little over ten hours since he sent it. For all they knew, Jay could be out of Chicago right now. Scratch that, he could be out of Illinois.

***

"When did you get this voicemail?" Hank asked as everyone in Intelligence, minus Jay but including you, were in the bullpen and trying to trace where the call came from.

"Around 11 last night, Boss," Adam answered for you.

"Okay. So it's been almost 11 hours," Voight said.

"I need a break, excuse me," you said and quickly excused yourself to the locker room.

You made your way to the locker room and sat down and leaned against the wall. This couldn't be happening again, not after that crazy borderline sociopathic drug dealer kidnapped Jay a few years ago and Erin went in and saved him. This could not be happening again.

You thought back to the fight last night and something your mom would always say when she was in a fight with one of the boys or when you had thrown a temper tantrum and then had to go to bed.

I'll always tell you I love you because when you walk out that door or go to bed, I'll never know if that was the last chance I had to tell you I love you.

God, if you hadn't argued with Jay, maybe you wouldn't be feeling this way. Obviously, you'd be feeling scared and upset because Jay was missing and no one had any idea where he was, but at least you wouldn't feel guilty like you currently did.

You felt guilty about starting that fight in the first place by bringing it up even though you knew what his answer was going to be. You felt guilty about yelling. But most of all, you felt guilty and you regretted not saying love you when he left...because that might've been the last time you'd have been able to tell that to your big brother who had always been there for you...even when he really didn't want to.

Jay's Nokia flip phone buzzed as he walked out of school. It was his mom.

"Hey, Mom," he greeted.

"Jay Halstead, if you answered your phone while you're driving..." she trailed off, trying to think of a good threat.

"Mom, I didn't. I was talking to some friends about going for tacos tonight, so I just walked out of school a minute ago."

"Oh," she said.

"What oh?" Jay asked. "That sounded like a bad oh, Mom."

"Well, I wish I would've known that before a professor called in sick to give an exam to his students and I agreed to pick up the extra hours."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't bring Y/N to the dentist. And I thought since you weren't busy, you could. I also may or not have promised her that she could go to Build-A-Bear after to get a new outfit for Beary because she's so scared."

"Mom," Jay groaned.

"I know, I'm sorry. But, how about this: you do this for me, and I'll extend your curfew by two hours on Friday and Saturday."

"Three," Jay countered.

"Two." Amelia Halstead stood strong.

"Three."

"Two and a half."

"Deal," Jay agreed.

"Thank you. I'll see you tonight. Love you."

"Love you, too."

***

"No," you whined as Jay told you that you had to leave after he walked you home from school later. "I don't wanna go to the dentist. They scary."

"No, they're not," Jay told you. The doctor was what was scary for him with all the needles for the shots. But, the dentist had never bothered him, even when he was a little kid it had never bothered him.

"No!"

"What if I let you bring Beary into the dentist, would you go then?" Jay practically pleaded.

"And you give me chocolate before we leave?"

"If you promise to grab your toothbrush and brush your teeth in the bathroom at the dentist, then yes, I'll give you some chocolate to eat on the way there." Jay was desperate at this point. He knew he shouldn't be giving you everything you wanted, but what were big brothers with a giant age gap for anyway if not to try and spoil his little sister?

"Okay!" You ran off to go grab Beary and your toothbrush and toothpaste while Jay made his way to a high cabinet in the kitchen and grabbed five squares of Dove milk chocolate, three for you and two for him.

In the car, Jay handed you the cholates and you started eating them while you held Beary close to you, trying to gain some comfort out of your favorite stuffed animal.

***

You gripped Jay's hand as you sat and waited for your name to be called. Beary was held in your other hand and you were squeezing him tight against your chest. You had just brushed your teeth like you promised Jay that you would, but you were still utterly terrified.

"Y/N Halstead?" a dental hygienist came out and asked.

You didn't say a word, just held Jay's hand tighter.

"That's you," Jay said gently and with a smile on his face, trying to make you feel less scared.

"No, not me," you told him as you frantically shook your head.

The dental hygienist squatted down in front of you. "Are you Y/N?" You didn't do anything, but Jay must've nodded to confirm that it was indeed you. "And who's this?" she asked as she shook Beary's paw.

"Beary," you said shyly.

"Well, I'm fairly certain that Beary will be with you the entire time. We even have little sunglasses you and he can wear when we shine the really bright light on you to protect both your little eyes. Does that sound good?"

You turned to Jay. "Me and Beary get sunglasses, Jay Jay!"

"I heard! Do you want me to come back with you?"

You thought for a second. "Please come."

Jay laughed. "Okay." He turned to the dental hygienist. "Is that okay?"

"Perfectly fine."

You stood up and held Jay's hand as you walked back into the dentist to get your six-month check-up on your baby teeth.

***

"That wasn't so bad was it?" Jay asked as the two of you walked out to his car after you finished.

"No!" you said as you shook your head. "I even got a pretty bracelet with Belle on it, see?" you exclaimed as you held your hand out to him to show off your yellow bracelet with a charm that had Belle from Beauty and the Beast on it.

Jay acted all surprised and said it was pretty even though he watched as you had picked it out while he had explained to the secretary how your mom would call to schedule your next appointment in six months.

Jay opened his car and made sure you were buckled in and then got in himself and started driving.

"Do you know where we're going?"

You gasped. You had forgotten you got to go to Build-A-Bear after!

"Build-A-Bear!" you yelled. The volume of that yell would've made Jay wince had he not been driving.

"Yup, that's where we're going."

"I think I'm gonna get Beary some new pajamas," you decided.

"What color?"

You held Beary out in front of you. "What color pjs do you want, Beary?" You brought him up to your ear and nodded as he "told" you what color pajamas he wants. "He said blue!"

"Blue pajamas. I'm pretty sure we can find those."

***

Jay and you walked into Build-A-Bear Workshop at the mall and you were met with children running around. To Jay, this was the definition of hell. Except for you, he was fine with you running around, but he really didn't like all the other kids that he had to be careful not to bump into.

"C'mon, Jay Jay!" you told him as you tugged him along to the pajama section.

He allowed himself to be tugged along by you and then you held up almost every single pair of blue pajamas to Beary to see which one was his favorite. He had decided on a pair of light blue pajamas with stars all over them. There was even a cute little hat with a pom-pom on top to go with the pajamas.

Jay paid and then you left with Beary and his brand-new pajamas. You had plans to have him sleep in those pajamas tonight, too.

Unbeknownst to you, Jay hadn't even really wanted to come. The only reason he brought you was that he got his curfew extended. But to you, it was just another fun afternoon with your big brother.

You were startled out of your daydream when you felt a hand on your shoulder. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

Kevin.

"It's fine. I'm fine," you said quickly.

"No, you're not. And that's okay. Hailey and Voight went to see if Jay's where his phone pinged at."

"We fought," you told him.

"You fought?" Kevin asked as he slid down the wall to sit next to you.

"It was stupid. I should've just agreed with him and maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this."

"Like what?"

"Like utter shit." You sighed and ran a hand through your hair. "We were arguing about the BLM protests that were happening tonight. I wanted to go, but he wouldn't let me. The last thing I did was roll my eyes at him, Kev."

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments while Kevin figured out how to comfort you.

"Maybe talking about it will help. What'd you argue about?"

"Just that I wanted to go and he wouldn't let me because he thinks riots will break out. And you and I both know that's not the BLM protesters, that's the counter-protesters. But, he thinks I'll get hurt. I also think it's because he's a cop, so he feels like I'm protesting him, but I'm not. I'm protesting the system."

Kevin nodded. "I get it. Believe me, I do. I live it every day."

"How do you do it?" you asked. "Be an activist and a cop at the same time?"

"Just try and do the right thing with the information you have. And, explain that you're protesting the system and the bad apples, not the police force as a whole."

"I tried. But Jay doesn't think I have a right to protest because I've never had a bad experience with a cop." Which was a lie, but you weren't ready to talk about that just yet.

"Did he say that exactly?" Kevin asked.

"No, but, he asked me if a cop has ever illegally pulled me over."

Kevin nodded. "I know Jay and I know he would never say that you didn't have the right protest. He fought for that right. He mention anything else?"

"That tear gas hurts."

"I think he just wanted to keep you safe, same thing I'd do for Jordan and Vanessa."

"He sounded like he changed his mind on his voicemail, though. He thought that maybe if you were going, then he'd let me go...at least, that's what it sounded like."

Kevin nodded. "All I can say is that until we found Jay, I'm not going to one. Getting your brother is my first priority and it's the first priority of everyone in this unit."

"My first priority, too."

"Kev!" Adam yelled as he banged on the door. "You in there?"

"Yeah, bro! What's up?" Kevin asked.

"We need you to meet with someone!"

***

The hours passed and with each of them that did, you got more and more nervous for Jay's safety. You guessed that this is how he felt when you asked if you could go to the protest, knowing that he'd constantly be worrying about you until you came home safely.

"Y/N, we gotta go," Trudy said as she entered the bullpen around 9:30 pm that night.

"Why? What's going on?" you asked as you grabbed your phone and started following her.

"They found Jay."

"Is he okay?" you asked quickly.

"Y/N..."

"No! He can't be dead, Trudy! He can't!" you wailed.

"He's not. But, he has been shot."

You froze. Shot. Jay had been shot.

"He's en route to Chicago Med right now."

"Can you- can you bring me there?"

"That's where we're going right now."

***

"Will!" you yelled as you ran into the ED and saw your oldest brother.

You ran right up to him and hugged him, not caring that he almost dropped his iPad he had been using to chart.

"Whoa, Y/N." He set the iPad down. "Hey, I know. But Crockett's operating on him right now and he's one of the best surgeons in the hospital."

"I thought you were better than him. You need to do the surgery, Will. you need to save Jay!"

"Y/N, I know it sucks, but I'm family. As much as I want to operate on him, I can't legally do that."

You paused and looked up at him. His eyes were slightly red, but he hadn't been bawling the way that you had been.

"Dr. Halstead! Incoming!" Maggie yelled.

"What does she mean?" you asked, still hanging onto him. "You're still working?"

"There's been a ten-car pile-up on the highway. I have to. It's my job."

"But Jay's in surgery!" you yelled as you pulled away from him. "These people are more important to you than your own brother?"

"They aren't but--"

"But you're working anyway instead of waiting to find out what happens to him?"

"I can't do anything to help Jay right now. But I can help all these people who are pouring in."

"Dr. Halstead!" Maggie shouted again.

"I'll be up in a few hours, I promise," Will told you.

***

A few hours had passed and it was now past midnight. Jay was still in surgery. Will was sitting next to you, in a spare pair of clothes he had packed instead of his scrubs that were covered in blood, and you were leaning your head on his shoulder, close to being asleep.

That was until Crockett came out and Will jumped up, causing your head to hit the back of the chair.

"Ow," you mumbled.

"Sorry," Will apologized and then turned back to Crockett. "What's the verdict?"

"He lost a lot of blood," Crockett told the two of you.

"But he's gonna pull through, right?" Will asked what the two of you were both thinking.

"We'll be out of blood soon."

"What do you mean out of blood?" Will asked, taking a step toward the surgeon. "There's no way you can be out of blood!"

"With that pile-up, we can. I'd recommend you go and say your goodbyes and pray for a miracle."

Will put his hands on the back of his head and started pacing the room. Your breath caught in your throat. This could not be happening. Jay couldn't die, he just couldn't.

Crockett started to walk back towards the operating room.

"Wait!" you yelled. You didn't know what had taken over you, but at this moment, you'd do anything to save your brother. You rolled up your sleeve. "Take my blood."

"Y/N," was all Will could manage to get out.

"I'm sorry, Y/N, but there's protocol for that. I'd love to let you do it, but--"

"Fuck protocol!" you yelled, all the anger and sadness and anxiety that had built up over the past fifteen hours exploding at this very moment. "Rush my labs. Or don't even get my labs done at all. I haven't had sex, so I don't have any STDs. I don't have any diseases or deficiencies since I moved in with Jay years ago. My blood type's O-neg, so I'm a universal donor. Take my goddamn blood, Crockett!" You didn't care that all that information was out in the open because you were barely processing what you were saying. The only thing you cared about was making sure that your brother was okay.

"Y/N," Will said as he walked up to you and placed a hand on your shoulder.

"Don't touch me! And you sure as hell don't want to tell me to calm down!"

"Y/N," Will started again as he took his hand off your shoulder. "What Crockett's saying is that it's not ethical for him to do this. He could get fired."

"Where's the paperwork?" you asked as you turned back to Crockett. "I'll sign whatever I have to sign to make sure you aren't liable at all, that I'm donating this of my own free will. You can even take double the amount of blood that you normally do since I'm a universal donor. Just get me the paperwork."

Crockett and Will shared a look.

"I'll go get a nurse to get you the paperwork."

"Wait, no, no, no," Will said as he walked closer to Crockett. "You can't be serious about this!"

"She said she'll sign it."

"But, I have to co-sign it since she's a minor. So, no, you are not donating blood, Y/N. You almost passed out when I drew vials of your blood years ago. You know what's gonna happen if we take two units of blood? You are gonna feel like utter shit."

"Last I checked, I'm 18, so I can sign my own paperwork! God, I'm not a fucking child anymore, Will! I can make my own decisions!" you yelled back. "And if I don't do this, Jay will die. He'll die, Will. So, I'm giving him my blood with or without your support."

***

You sat in a chair, the ones that Will had told you about years ago with the big padded bar thing that came down in front of you in case you passed out. Typically, they'd just have you lay down in a bed, but since they were short on beds and Will told them that you had a history of getting dizzy and nauseous during simple blood draws, they had decided to put you here instead.

"Last chance to back out," Will told you as the nurse tied off your arm with a blue rubber tie and started to rub your arm to get the big vein in your left forearm to show.

"Jay's dying. No way in hell am I backing out."

Will sighed. He knew you were doing the right thing, but he also knew that you were going to feel terrible after, and he hated seeing you like that. "Okay," he said. "I'll stay here until they get the needle in you and then I'll get you some juice and cookies."

"Ready?" Monique asked.

"Ready," you confirmed. You turned to Will and squeezed your eyes shut as the needle pierced your vein. You heard the sound of the machine and knew your blood was going in there, but you didn't want to look. Getting your blood drawn, you could watch. But this, this was just too much blood to see, so you looked at Will.

"Doing okay?" he asked a few minutes later.

"Yeah," you answered because that was the absolute truth: you were feeling just fine.

"Okay, I'm gonna go get you some cookies and juice. I'll get an update on Jay while I'm out there, too."

You nodded and he left the room.

This wasn't so bad.

***

Okay, so you were lying to yourself. You were currently in hell. Giving the blood hadn't been an issue, it was how you felt after you were done giving blood.

You were currently sitting in that same chair, drinking some juice that Will had brought you. He told you that there was still no update on Jay, but that they were sending the blood back to him right now. (They had rushed labs on a small vial of blood that Monique took before you started the donation. The results came back while you were giving blood, and since your blood was clean, you could give it to Jay.) But, God, but you felt absolutely awful.

"You doing okay?" Will asked.

You shook your head and then stopped because it made you dizzy and put your head in your hands. "No," you groaned.

He handed you a glass of water. "Drink a bit of this too and then I'll open your pack of cookies."

"Why do you want me to drink water and not juice?" you asked as you closed your eyes and tried to stop the spinning in your head.

"Because, you're sweating, Short Stack. Need you to stay hydrated."

You took a few sips of water and then went back to your juice. Will handed you your pack of chocolate chip cookies and you started to eat them.

"Mhm," you groaned and laid your head down on the padded bar thing in front of you that kept you from falling out of the chair. "I don't feel so good."

You felt hot and cold at the same time and the world seemed to spin every time you lifted your head up. And, those cookies did not sit well with you.

"How do you feel? What hurts?" Will asked, jumping into doctor mode since Monique wasn't around. Will assured her that he could look after you while you recovered from your blood being donated at twice the normal amount.

"I just feel like shit," you told him, not picking up your head.

"You gotta give me some symptoms. Give me some symptoms and then I can help."

"Mhm, fine." You looked up at him and blinked slowly. "I feel hot and cold and sweaty. And I feel dizzy and nauseous."

"Okay. That's either a vasovagal reaction or from your blood pressure being low or from your  heart rate being slowed down."

"What's that reaction thingy?"

"You don't like blood in general, so a nervous system response can happen, which could explain your reactions. But, your BP could also be low, which could explain all this too. And, it's one in the morning and you haven't slept yet, so tiredness could also be a factor."

"Great," you said sarcastically as you remembered the last time your blood pressure was low.

You had taken some of Jay's medication that he had to ward off his PTSD-induced nightmares after you were involved in a shooting at a house party. The one time you took them without sleeping directly after, you felt almost exactly like this...except without the sweatiness. You just mostly felt dizzy. You had called Will, he came over, and then you ended passing out and he had to get you to Med. Then you were admitted and they got your pressure back up. You were also prescribed sleeping pills which had helped immensely.

Will grabbed a blood pressure cuff from a drawer. "Arm," he told you. You held out your arm and he wrapped the cuff around it and pumped the end of it.

You waited as he looked at the gauge on the blood pressure cuff. Will said one number over another number, which meant nothing to you, but must've meant something to him. You raised your eyebrows, hoping he was going to tell you what those numbers meant in non-medical English terms.

"BP's low, which explains most of the symptoms," he told you.

You took another bite of your cookie and washed it down with some juice, but then immediately after started dry heaving.

Will rushed around and then thrust a pink basin under your mouth.

You took a deep breath after you finally stopped dry heaving about thirty seconds later.

"Better?" Will asked. You shook your head. "I'm going to get you an IV of anti-nausea medication."

You were going to argue with him about how he wasn't working, so he probably couldn't get you that. And, you were fairly certain he couldn't prescribe things to family. But, you felt terrible, so you really don't care if Will was being reckless and borderline unethical/illegal right now.

You nodded and then laid your head back down.

When Will came back, he thought you were asleep, but when you heard footsteps, you looked up.

"Alright," he began as he assembled the IV. "Last poke of the day, I promise."

"After this can I take a nap in the on-call room?" you asked as you held your arm out to him once again.

"You know I can't let you do that." Will tied a blue band around your arm and started rubbing it to get a vein in the inside of your elbow. Then, he noticed your pale and sweaty face. "Fine. Hopefully, Goodwin won't fire me after this. But I have a good reason. Turn so you don't see the needle."

You did and closed your eyes. You felt the poke and squeezed your eyes shut, but then it subsided and you felt that weird feeling of the medicine going straight into your veins. God, you hoped this worked.

You hoped Jay would survive because you didn't just go through all that for nothing.

***

You slowly opened your eyes as you felt someone shaking your shoulder. "No," you groaned as you turned to face the other side of the bed.

But then you remembered where you were: the doctors on-call room because Jay had been shot. Maybe it was Will waking you up to tell you--

"Short Stack, wake up. Jay's awake."

That got you wide awake.

You snapped your eyes open, rolled over, and jumped out of bed.

"I take it you're feeling better?" Will asked.

"Sleep helps. Let's go!"

Will quickly led you out of the room and through some hallways and up a few flights of stairs to Jay's recovery room.

He was currently talking to Hailey.

"Jay!" you exclaimed as you burst into the room to see him with a sling and see Hailey helping him with his jacket.

"Hey, Short Stack," he greeted and then turned his attention back to Hailey. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Uh, just that I'm glad you're back," she told him. "I'll give you some time with your siblings." She turned her attention to Will. "Oh, and the things you told me to tell Kim to get are in that corner." She pointed to the left front corner of the room. "Bye, guys." She waved and then left.

You gave Jay a huge hug and tried to avoid his arm that was in a sling. "Don't you ever do that again, you hear me?" you told him seriously and then looked up at him with tears in your eyes.

Jay chuckled. "I'll try not to."

"You better do more than try." You went back to leaning your head against his chest as tears soaked his t-shirt.

"Hey, hey, don't cry," he soothed. "I'm okay. I'm fine, Y/N."

"I was so scared. The last thing we would've done was argue. I'm so sorry. I should never have asked to go to those protests. I know you were just trying to protect me--"

"Hey, it's okay for you to have your own opinions and views. It's just gonna take me a while to get used to you being an adult now and not that little sister who would always hold my hand and beg to go to Build-A-Bear."

"Speaking of Build-A-Bear," Will started and then walked over to the corner of the room and picked up two boxes. They were white boxes with dark blue designs on them. You knew those boxes: they were what the workers put new bears in when a kid came and bought one. You let go of Jay. Will peeked into one of the holes. "This one's for you." He handed Jay a box. "And this one's for you." He handed you the other box.

"You got us Build-A-Bears?" you asked as you raised an eyebrow.

"Just open the boxes."

You did and laughed when you saw Beary in the box, dressed in a hospital gown and white little bunny slippers. Your brothers were not kidding when they said they'd get one for you.

Jay laughed as he opened his. His Build-A-Bear was a light blue color and it also had on a hospital gown as well as a sling on one arm. The bear also had on a policeman cap. "Oh, man," Jay said as he continued laughing.

"Press the right paw," Will told him and he did, causing Ruzek's voice to float through the room.

Stop getting kidnapped. Glad you're okay, though.

You started laughing hysterically at this point.

"One more thing," Will said as he walked over to the counter and pulled out a marker and two hospital bracelets. On one he wrote Beary Halstead. "Jay, what are you naming your bear?" Will asked.

"I gotta name it?"

"Um, it's not an it. It's a he or a she...could be a they, too," you said.

"Fine. I gotta name him?"

"Yes," Will told him.

Jay groaned. "Fine. Blue."

"Boo! That's boring," you said.

He groaned again. "Detective Blue. There. Better?"

"Better," you confirmed.

Will wrote Det. Blue Halstead on the other hospital band. Then, he handed Beary's to you and Detective Blue's to Jay.

"I cannot believe you," Jay said.

"I can," Will laughed. "Now put it on him. Just like Y/N's doing with Beary."

Jay reluctantly put it on Detective Blue's arm. But then he realized something. "Wait, why does Beary have a hospital gown if Y/N wasn't in the hospital?"

"Yeah, about that..." you trailed off.

Jay cocked his head to the side. "What did you do this time?"

"Other than save your life, I got nauseous and Will had to give me anti-nausea medication," you explained.

"Wait, back up. You saved my life? How?" Jay asked as he looked between you and Will.

"She essentially cussed at Crockett until she got what she wanted," Will said nonchalantly.

"Which was...?" Jay pried.

"Giving you blood because the hospital was out because of a car accident. If she wouldn't have given you blood..." Will trailed off, not wanting to say the words.

"I'd be dead," Jay practically whispered.

"Yeah," Will confirmed, his voice at about the same volume as Jay's.

Jay felt himself getting choked up as he pulled you in for another hug. "Thank you."

"I know you'd do the same for me."

"In a heartbeat, Short Stack. In a heartbeat."

You stayed like that until Will went ahead and broke the comfortable silence that had fallen over the three of you.

"I hate to break this up, but there's something else I need to tell you guys," Will said.

You and Jay both turned to him and you let yourself out of Jay's embrace. "Which is?" you asked.

"Voight gave Jay two weeks furlough to recover and I talked Goodwin into giving me two weeks vacation--"

"How in the hell did you do that?" Jay asked.

"Let's just say I'm going to be working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. But that's beside the point. We have two weeks of vacation time."

"You do know I work right?" you asked.

"At a coffee shop, not at a big kid job," Will said. "And, I had Kim and Adam stop in there on their way to get the bears. They explained the situation and your work gave you two weeks off. Adam said he may have had to flash his badge, but that's beside the point."

"And you took vacation because...?" you asked.

"We need to make sure Jay relaxes and there's so many protests-turned-riots happening right now that we should probably get out of here."

"You do know it's not the peaceful protesters starting those, right? It's counter-protesters and other people who are racist bigots and people who decided they have no other choice but to be violent," you said, making your views known once again.

"I'm very much aware, Y/N. But, no matter who started it, people were running from tear gas and burning buildings last night."

"Alright, back on topic," Jay started, not wanting to have another argument like he had two days ago with you. "Where are we going?"

"I figured Wisconsin would be a good choice."

***

"It's my turn to pick the music," you whined as Will looked for another song on your long drive to Wisconsin.

"I'm the oldest, so I get control of it," Will argued.

"No, you've controlled it for the last three hours. I've had to listen to nineties hip-hop for that long. My eardrums are gonna bleed. Please make him give the aux, Jay."

"Dude, just give her the aux, and then she'll be quiet. Remember, she likes early 2000s pop-punk and 2000s stuff in general. We'll probably know most of it."

Will reluctantly handed you the aux. "Thank you. And, just to remind you two, I'm a big fan of Taylor Swift's first few albums and 5 Seconds of Summer."

You clicked play on Take What You Want by One OK Rock featuring 5 Seconds of Summer. You queued up some more songs by 5 Seconds of Summer and two by Taylor Swift, just to mess with your brothers, and then you added songs they would know like All the Small Things by Blink-182, Check Yes, Juliet by We The Kings, Dear Maria, Count Me In by All Time Low, and Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.

By the time Dear Maria, Count Me In started playing, all three of you were jamming out, which caused Jay to forget to put his blinker on when he changed lanes...and there was a cop right there in the emergency turnaround.

Jay heard and saw the sirens behind him and slowed down. He knew the drill from pulling people over on his days on patrol. Now that he was in Intelligence, he practically just ripped the criminals out of their cars and handcuffed them against the side of their (usually stolen) car.

He got out his license and registration, along with his badge because he did have his service weapon with him. He'd be damned not bringing it with him in this day and age...and sometimes there were coyotes and he and Will didn't know if the old hunting rifle at the cabin that your grandpa used to use even had ammunition in and if there was even any ammunition at the cabin.

Jay rolled down his window as the officer walked up to him.

Your hands started to sweat and your heart started to race as you remembered your last encounter with an officer that you didn't know.

You were driving home from the library late at night after studying for a biology exam. And no, the library wasn't an excuse for going out and partying. You genuinely had gone to the library and had had a great and very focused study session for a few hours.

All of a sudden, you saw flashing lights and heard sirens. You turned down your music. You looked in your rear-view mirror and saw that the cop was right on your tail. He turned off his sirens and then turned them on and off quickly.

You were the one getting pulled over.

You pulled off to the side of the road and then rolled down your window.

"License and registration," the officer told you. He looked young, maybe a rookie.

"What's the problem officer?" you asked. Jay always told you that you had a right to know why you had been pulled over.

"You were going three miles over the speed limit, did you know that?"

"I don't recall how fast I was driving." Jay always told you never to admit to speeding because then you could fight the ticket if you ended up getting one.

"License and registration, please," he repeated.

"Reaching into my glove compartment and moving some CDs to get my registration," you narrated and then handed the registration to the officer. "Reaching over to my passenger seat to grab my purse which has my license in it...unzipping my purse...reaching in for my license." You handed him your license.

He ran your information and then came back to the window. "I'm sorry, Miss, but I have to give you a ticket."

You furrowed your eyebrows. For three miles over the speed limit? No fucking way was this happening.

"Uh," was all you could say.

"But, there is something you can do to get out of this ticket. You help me out, I help you out."

"I- I don't understand," you stuttered.

He looked down and you followed where he was looking and cupping himself with the hand that wasn't holding your license and registration.

"I- I..."

"Or I can just up this speeding ticket to going twenty miles over it. Say there was an open container in the car, too," he said.

You had no idea what to say. You couldn't risk getting your insurance upped and getting a minor in possession charge. You'd never be allowed to drive again!

But, there's no way you'd do this. You couldn't. But he was so much bigger than you that he could hold you down with one hand tied behind his back.

He placed his hand on the door handle. "You have three seconds to make your decision. One...Two..."

"My brother's Jay Halstead! Badge number 51163! His Sergeant's Hank Voight!" Your voice trembled as you yelled that and you were close to tears.

He looked back down at your license. It did say Y/N Halstead on it. He handed you back your license and registration. "Have a nice night."

Then, he walked back to his patrol car, got in, turned off the sirens, and drove off. You were so scared that you didn't even look to see what his last name or badge number was.

Once you had stayed pulled over for a good couple of minutes to make sure that the cop was nowhere in sight, you started driving again. You stopped at a drive-thru and got yourself a chocolate flurry with Oreos. Then, you sat in the parking lot with your hands still shaking and your heart still racing as you ate and started to cry. You cried for almost half an hour and waited there for another fifteen minutes so your eyes wouldn't be as puffy when you got home because you didn't want Jay asking questions.

"Y/N, you good?" Jay asked, taking you out of your thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah," you said quickly...almost too quickly. "Why?"

"Will just asked if you wanted to go back because we missed a song and you didn't answer."

"Yeah, I can do that." You quickly went back to the previous song and tried to sing with as much happiness as you did previously. But, you didn't get the image of that night or the feeling of dread out of your stomach for another hour.

***

You woke up the next morning very well-rested. The boys had taken the loft and the two twin beds that were up there and you got to take your mom and dad's old room because you were the only girl, so they said it was only fair that you got the bedroom.

You heard the dripping of water and got out of bed and then padded down the hall and to the kitchen. Jay was standing there in pajama pants and a t-shirt. (Thank God he wasn't shirtless for once in the morning. Your brothers really needed to learn how to put shirts on when they walked out of their rooms in the morning...and maybe by you telling them to put a shirt on all the time, you training them had finally paid off.) He drummed his fingers on the counter while he waited for the coffee to be done.

"Morning," you said.

He turned around. "Good morning. Shocked you're awake. It's only 8 am."

"And I'm shocked you haven't been up for two hours," you retorted.

"Oh, I've been up for an hour, just been reading upstairs. Will's not up yet, though."

"He always sleeps late when he doesn't have to work though, doesn't he?"

"Pretty much. We've made breakfast plans before and he's missed them because he was sleeping."

The timer went off on the coffee pot, alerting you that it was finished. Jay started to pour his in a tumbler. He held out a tumbler to you. You raised an eyebrow, silently wondering why he wasn't pouring it into a mug.

"I was gonna go for a morning canoe ride. You can come along if you want. Wouldn't want hot coffee spilling all over us," he told you.

"Did you bring creamer?" you asked.

"Irish cream creamer, just for you."

You reached into the fridge and grabbed the creamer.

"So, canoe ride?" Jay asked.

"Sure."

He poured coffee into a tumbler for you and then slid it to you to put your desired amount of creamer in.

***

Twenty minutes later, you were starting out in the canoe. You told Jay there was no way in hell that you'd be doing the rowing. He told you that he could only row with one arm because of his sling, so you'd have to do the other side. Skeptically, you started rowing. Jay told you that you'd be fine, just to follow his instructions.

Fifteen minutes later, when you were out in the middle of the lake, facing the forests of Wisconsin, he stopped.

"Why'd you stop?" you asked.

He picked up his tumbler of coffee off the floor of the canoe. "We need to talk."

"About what?" you asked as you picked up yours as well and held it with both hands.

"About your reaction last night when I got pulled over. You freaked. I need to know why."

"I- I didn't freak. I was just tired," you lied.

"You had quite the amount of energy right before that," he quipped.

"It's nothing."

"Y/N, I'm not letting this go. Is it because of the protests and riots and because of all the media coverage and those few bad apple cops and, I guess the system, that you're seeing that's making you nervous?"

"No, it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"You're not going to let this go are you?" you asked.

"I will stay in this canoe in the middle of the lake until you tell me what is going on, Y/N Halstead."

"You wouldn't."

Jay shrugged with the arm that wasn't currently in a sling. "Try me."

You sighed. "Just don't be mad that I didn't tell you sooner, okay?"

"I won't. You have my word on that."

"So, a little over a month ago I was driving home from the library..."

***

When you finished, you were in tears. "Did you get a last name? Badge number?" Jay asked as he rubbed circles on your back with his good hand.

You sniffled. "N- No. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all."

"If I wouldn't have said- said your name...He had his hand on my door handle! And he was so much bigger than me. I'm sorry!"

You turned and buried your face in his chest. "Y/N, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I should've told you right away, though! But you just had that really rough case and I didn't want to put too much on your shoulders and--"

"Y/N, I need you to take a deep breath. You need to breathe. This was not your fault. None of it was."

You calmed your breathing and just sat there, silent tears streaming down your face.

"That's why I wanted to go to the protests," you said after a few minutes. "Because I've actually had a bad experience with a cop."

"Which should've never happened in the first place."

"I was so scared," you whispered.

Jay just hugged you tighter as he thought about how strong his little sister was. You had given blood to save his life even though you knew you'd feel terrible after and you hadn't told him about this horrible cop--which he would kick this cop's ass the minute the got back to Chicago--because you didn't want him to have too much on his plate after that terrible case where he put an innocent man in jail and got him killed...which was the main reason he had been shot.

"When we get back to the cabin, I'll try and call Voight. I don't know if I'll have service, though."

"Why?" you asked.

"I'm gonna have him look up who was on their beat near you that night so he can go interrogate people on my behalf. Probably best he does it and not me." Because Jay knew that the minute he saw that cop, he wouldn't be able to hold himself back.

You nodded.

"Hey, cheer up, kid. We're here for two weeks, away from everything. Away from the city and everything that goes on there. And I can promise you that that cop will get what's coming to him, whether that be losing his job or going to jail or prison."

"Do I have to tell Will? Or can you tell him? I really don't want to talk about this again."

"I can do it," Jay answered. "Speaking of Will, if he's not up when we get back, what do we say we wake him up with some cold lake water?"

"Like dump it on him?" you asked as you widened your eyes. Jay nodded. "No, that's mean. Then he'll have to wait for his sheets to dry out and they'll smell the entire time."

"We have spare sheets and blankets in the closet."

"Fine, let's do it. But just so you know, I'm telling him that it was your idea and I also have a lock on my bedroom door here, which will make it harder for him to sneak in and dump water on me."

"I will be sleeping in your room tonight," Jay joked.

"Nope. It was your idea, so you're gonna have to live with Will's payback."

Those two weeks were filled with laughter, pranks, board games, corn hole, swimming, fishing (well, you read either in the canoe or on the dock while the boys fished), and just spending time with each other. You were glad that Will had the bright idea to take two weeks up here...even though he got drenched in cold lake water the first morning by you and Jay.

A/N: I got a request from @ La_lectrice_33 on wattpad for Y/N going to the dentist, so I hope you liked that little scene! I also got a request from an anon on here about Jay and Will's reactions to her growing up, so I put that in here, too. Thank you for over 23k reads! I won't be posting until this Sunday (August 1) when I start posting AUs for AU-gust. Please remember to like/reblog and comment because I love seeing those like/reblog notifications pop up and love reading your comments and asks! As always, if you would like to be added to my tag list, just tell me and I’ll add you! Finally, like my imagines? Buy me a coffee (only $1 through Paypal and other currencies can be used) here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Kayela

taglist:  @theambracer88  @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27  @anotherfan07  @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things  @herecomesthewriterwitch  @liampayne88

[quietmyfearswith]

obssessed ; preferences

warnings — stalking, nonconsensual location/location tracking, obsessive behaviors, manipulation, knife, mentions of killing someone (no actual murder)

characters — dark!andy barber, dark!steve rogers, dark!ransom drysdale, dark!bucky barnes, dark!clark kent, dark!syverson, dark!august walker

a/n — THIS IS A DARK FIC WITH DARK THEMES,, dni if youre not 18+,, just a thought that played around in my mind so yeah. lmk what you think!

their love language | with their little | when you’re insecure | slipping into little space | fussy | happy hoelidays | cartoons

masterlist

To celebrate the case they won they held a little party at the office; though Andy wasn’t in a celebratory mood. With his hand clasped together against his lips, his eyes were watching closely his phone screen as he was awaiting a text from his beloved girlfriend who promised to be here. “Hey Andy, we’re popping the champagne already; are you joining us?” Tearing his attention away from the device, he smiled a bit as he told them, “I will once Y/N comes over.”  Tess, the assistant who invited him, chuckled a bit before leaving him alone in his office, “Staring at the phone won’t make her come over any quicker you know?” It was something they never really confronted Andy about — almost everyone at the office noticed how he had a firm grip around the girl, but no one dared to question or comment about it because they know how the skilled lawyer would come after them once they do — but silently they understood that if you spoke, let alone looked at her, badly it wouldn’t end well for everyone.

As the door shut once Tess walked away, his intense gaze returned once again to the mobile phone as he awaits a response from his girl. “Baby! I’m here now,” Snapping his head to the source of the sound, he immediately stood up and hugged Y/N as he let out a relieved sigh. “Where were you? And most importantly why didn’t you answer my text or return my calls hm?” Rolling her eyes with how her boyfriend was grilling her as if she was one of the witnesses he had on his case she apologized, “I’m sorry, baby. I got held up at the salon because my mani took longer than expected,” Her manicured nails then raised her phone to show how even as she pressed the button it wouldn’t turn on, “And my phone ran out of battery.” Wrapping an arm around her, he removed her bag and left it by the coat hanger and guided them to where the party was. “I’m gonna buy you a portable charger, baby; that way you won’t ever run out.” Innocently, she smiled and thanked him with a kiss on the lips before saying hello to his colleagues whom she got along well. That way the tracker I put on your phone will always be turned on, he deviously thought to himself as he sipped some of his champagne.

“Another long day huh?” August asked as he peeked his head around Y/N’s cubicle. It was quite odd to say the least — a field agent of his caliber not having his own office instead opting for a cubicle beside one of CIA’s lanky desk jockey? It was one of the questions she asked the infamous Hammer as he settled on the office cubicle beside hers, “Why settle for a tiny office station?” She asked to which he chuckled at as he explained, “Half the year I’m somewhere around the world; so what’s the point of having a big office if I don’t enjoy it all year round?” It was a good, solid point — one she so easily believed without a second thought — but unfortunately it was all a lie. Ever since Walker saw her once at a meeting Sloane held, he was hooked. Initially it was just her beauty and energy, but as he got to know her more he fell for who and what she was. “Yeah, I might need to stay a bit longer than usual,” She replied as she lifted the files she held, pinning the blame on the current target that needed to be researched on. “How ‘bout some coffee then?” Ears ringing with joy at his offer, she looked at him with an appreciative look as she nodded. Chuckling at her reaction, he stood up and trodden over the pantry. Installing surveillance devices on her work computer and cameras around her desk paid off since it allowed him to know everything there is to discover about her — her favorite artists, pet peeves, how she liked her coffee, home address, mobile phone number, even her social security number!

“How’d you know how I like my coffee?” She asked after taking a sip of the hot beverage; with a smile he shrugs as he pretends to get back to the work on his computer, “Well it was just a wild guess.” In her mind however, she did find her tastes to be quite basic and didn’t doubt August which was a relief to the field agent. “I think I’ll be going home now,” She announced as she shut off her computer and began to clean up her desk. “Need a ride home?” He knew she did, since he overheard her talking to a mechanic earlier that day about a defect her car suddenly had, “Yeah I do actually, but I wouldn't want to hassle you.” Quickly putting on his brown coat, he was standing up as he fished his keys out, “Nonsense! I don’t mind helping a colleague out.” Conceding, she took up his generous offer with a smile. As they were making an easy-going conversation, Y/N gave her address; but what she didn’t know is that not only did August know by heart where she lived, but he had also paid her house a visit multiple times in the past.

With an arm draped around her shoulder, Bucky and Y/N walked around the farmer’s market; the latter whined endlessly to her boyfriend how she wanted to buy some products. And though the thought of going out in the crowds wasn’t at all appealing to him, the need to make her smile made him go anyway. Leading him up to the different stalls, the former Winter Soldier couldn’t help but chuckle at how she would coo and be all excited for the different groceries, clothes, and figurines. “Slow down, doll. The market’s not going anywhere,” Bucky told her as he tailed behind her as he carried over 10 different bags filled with her purchases. It wouldn’t normally be a problem for him to look after her, but as the path became filled with people and him being preoccupied with the bags he held made him unable to keep a grip on her. With worried, drifting eyes, he was searching for his girlfriend who seemed to have blended right up with the bustling crowds, “Y/N? Doll? Where are you?” 

Setting the bags down on a vacant table, he then spotted her standing by a stall that sold her favorite food. His relieved smile was soon being replaced with a scowl as she was talking and laughing with another man. Whipping out the knife he kept on the pocket of his jeans, he was ready to torture the man. But as Y/N turned to him with a wide smile, it had him hiding the knife out of her sight, “Bucky! Look it’s Sam, my cousin!” Upon her introducing who the man was, the knife that was hidden was being kept back into its original hiding spot before he shook hands with the man, “Oh! Nice meeting you same, I’m Y/N’s boyfriend.” As they shook hands Sam had given them both a look as he sassed, “I know who you are! This one,” He referred to Y/N by pinching her side as she smacked his hand and giggled, “Won’t stop gushing about you every time we talk.” Seeing how she was clinging to his metal arm as she nuzzled her cheek to his side was all the confirmation Bucky needed; Sam then excused himself, “Well you got to swing by one of our family gatherings, yeah Bucky?” Nodding, they all exchanged farewells before the couple headed to the table where their bags still were — thankfully not stolen. “You shouldn’t have run off like that, doll. Got me real worried for a second,” He gently scolded her with a stern look. Pouting, she defended herself, “I’m sorry, Bucky! I just saw these cute little mason jars, but they were too expensive so I walked away. Then I smelt something delicious so I followed it and it turned out it was my favorite food; but Sam was there so I chatted with him instead.” Ending her enthusiastic breakdown of events with a sweet peck on the lips, he told her, “Doll you know that I would have bought you anything your sweet heart wanted. Just don’t go anywhere without me okay?”

The soft ping on his phone made Jensen pause his movements as he was selecting  a movie that you both would watch; eyebrow raising when he noticed that a certain “Steve” was texting you. Opening the text through the software he installed on both your phones allowed him to see every activity you do on your phone — but it wasn’t the only feature it had for it also allowed him to change the texts, emails, and other settings on her phone. A frown graced his handsome features as he read the text, “ Hey Y/N I can squeeze you in on Thursday, at 3pm. Are you free by then?” Displeased, he then sent a text to the guy saying how his assistance wouldn’t be needed any more. And he edited the text Steve sent her to make it seem that it was Steve that texted how he could no longer accommodate her. “Got some chips and chocolates!”

Her excited voice brought his attention from his phone screen to her excited face as she plopped herself beside him. “Thanks, babe,” Kissing her forehead, he sneakily looked over to where she was unlocking her phone and reading the text; noticing how she pouted he inquired, “What's wrong, babe?” Snuggling up to his side after sending a reply, she explained, “Steve said he can’t meet up with me anymore.” As he was rubbing her back, he faked the symphony, “Aw that’s too bad; why did you even need to meet up with Steve anyway?” She did not pick up on the faint hints of darkness on his tone, “He was my dentist! He was going to determine whether I need to have surgery for my tooth, remember?” At the revelation of who Steve really was, the  communications and technology expert felt slightly guilty but he was quick to reassure her, “Don’t worry baby I know a dentist who can help you.” Feeling her hum appreciatively against him, she planted a kiss on his cheek as they both focused on the movie; and as her eyes were trained on the screen, he whispered lowly, “You're only gonna be around people I trust, babe.”

There was a reason Sy had chosen a house that was nearly thirty minutes away from downtown — it was so their friends and families would feel lazy or discouraged to visit them due to the distance and time it took to get there. “Where on earth do you need to be today, petal?” Sy’s morning voice huskily rasped out in her ear; they both had just woken up and as Y/N was moving to stand up from the bed, she was being trapped in his muscular arms for a hug. Giggling at how he was being, she rolled around so they would be facing each other, “‘M going out with my friends today — Sophia and Rose have been bugging me about how we don’t hang out as often anymore.” At the mention of her going out and leaving him, Sy’s mood deflated and his eyes went wide; this wasn’t how he pictured this day going. “But petal, you’re gonna leave me all alone in this big house? ‘M gonna miss you so much,” The former army captain whined as she got out of his grasp and heading to wash up in their ensuite bathroom — not before bopping his nose as she reminded him, “Well you chose this house, bear. Plus, it’s only just for a while.”

Sitting up on their bed the man could only cross his arms and grumble, which was interrupted with her phone ringing. After seeing that it was her friend, Sophia, who was calling he then answered it for her, “Hey Y/N! Can’t wait to see you; we’ll pick you up in 20 minutes okay?” Taking the opportunity, Sy then decided to fabricate a lie, “Oh hey Sophia, it’s Sy,” He paused before saying the next parts in a hushed tone, “Y/N won’t be able to make it since she hurt her foot two days ago when going down the stairs. I know she was so looking forward to seeing you. Will do, bye.” With a smirk, the man set her phone back down on the nightstand, just in time since Y/N exited the bathroom, “Who was that, bear?” Making his way over to her, he hugged her as he kissed her forehead, “Sophia, calling to say she’s gonna have to cancel because she’s sick. And Rose was called in to work.” It was clear on her face that she was disappointed because she was looking forward to catching up with her friends, but her boyfriend tried to mirror her expression when in reality he was overjoyed with getting her all to himself. “Guess that leaves just the two of us, petal. Don’t worry, we’re gonna have fun today.” 

“Fucking hell,” Ransom cursed as he was speeding to go to where your tracker said you were. He had gifted you a necklace six months into the relationship, and it was costly not just because of the intricate design it has but also because he had put a tracker on it to keep tabs of your whereabouts — not that you knew about it. You both had a fight the night before, and it didn’t end well since it led to the two of you sleeping in separate rooms and Ransom drinking away his misery. So imagine his surprise when he woke up and found how you weren’t in the house and he noticed as well how a duffel bag that was in your shared walk-in closet was gone; the writer thought of the worst possibilities. And his anger went through the roof when he saw how you were at his grandfather’s house; it was one thing that you guys fought, but to involve his family in this? That was bound to be a fucking mess. As he parked the car by the driveway, he stepped out in rushed steps that were slowed down by the two dogs barking and crowding him, “Shoo, get away, mutts!” He scared them away and entered the house, “Alright where is she?” His yell echoed through the walls as Marta who was walking from the kitchen and into the foyer was startled, “Hugh, what brings you here?” 

“Where’s Y/N?” Knowing Y/N’s secret, the nurse swallowed nervously as she reluctantly told the truth, “She’s with Harlan at the gathering area.” On his way there he noticed how there were some party decorations — some colorful streamers and balloons — on the walls before he saw his girlfriend who was looking through something on her iPad, “What the hell are you doing here?” His voice caused her to gasp out loud as she looked like a deer caught off guard by headlights; standing up she walked towards him, her hands gripping onto his forearms, “We fight and you end up here to my grandfather to what? Complain and seek refuge?” Though his words stung she chose not to feed onto his anger, “Can you promise to listen out to me first?” Seeing how she was calm and not as mad as the night before, he gulped down and nodded. “When you accused me of cheating on you, it hurt because I knew that that wasn’t the truth,” She paused briefly to monitor his reactions, and she knew that he would then ask what was up with her behavior so she addressed it before being prompted to, “And the reason why I seem to be distant or busy these past few days is because I was planning on throwing a surprise party for you — for the success of your book.” At her explanation he could feel his entire body relax at the relief of him not having to kill anyone; also it made sense to him why his grandfather’s house had some ornaments hanging. Pulling her close to him, he hugged her tight as he kissed the top of her head, “Princess, I was so close to killing someone, you have no idea.” Swatting his back, she laughed at him, “I think you owe me an apology, mister. Not only did you ruin the surprise but you also accused me of cheating on you.” Smirking at her he replied, “I’ll make it up to you for the rest of our lives, princess, don’t you worry about it.” And he meant every single word of that promise; for he knew he wanted no one else but her.

The mission went well since the new agents did their jobs well — even exceeding Steve’s expectations of how they would handle the pressure and what decisions they would make in order for the mission to be a success. As the quinjet landed and they were given the clearance to exit the aircraft, the super soldier frowned when he took note how his girlfriend wasn’t anywhere near the landing pad. She always welcomes me back, he thought. The weight of his duffle bag on his arm didn’t matter to him as the feeling of worry and anxiety about his girl was way heavier. Immediately, he headed to their shared living quarters where he hoped she would be, “Kitten? I’m home,” His voice bounced off the walls as he dropped his bag on the floor and looked through every nook of the room. Now his anger and confusion was through the roof and he then decided to consult, “Friday, where’s Y/N?”

“She’s at the common area with Sam and Pietro, Captain,” As soon as AI mentioned where she was he found himself striding briskly towards her location. If she was with Bucky, it wouldn’t have alarmed him as much. But the Captain had a hunch that Sam secretly liked his girl and had plans of stealing him away from him; while Pietro was a natural flirt and joker. Even just by standing at the doorway he heard his beloved’s giggles as Sam recalled an exaggerated story. “There you are, kitten,” He let out, relieved upon seeing his girl alive in one piece. Turning her head, she smiled widely upon seeing her boyfriend and abandoned her conversation with the two Avengers to run to Steve with open arms. “Steve! I missed you so much,” She squealed as the super soldier caught her effortlessly and wrapped his thick arms tightly around her figure. “What are you doing with these troublemakers, kitten?” He wondered out loud, completely ignoring two offended looks from the said men. “I was bored of waiting for you in our room so I went here,” She was cut off from her explanations when Sam added, “That, and we missed hanging out with Y/N!” Even though Y/N giggled, Steve was trying his best to control his rage; but Pietro wanted to push him further to his limits by saying, “You hog her all the damn time we forget how great her company is!” the only girl in the room squealed as she was being carried off by Steve, “Well I don’t want you around her that’s why I hog my girl around.” Everyone around the super soldier still thought that he was joking and decided to laugh it off; Sam’s voice called out to them once more to tell a joke before they both had fully exited the room, “Yeah? Well why don’t you just lock her up in a secluded house then?” That’s exactly my plan, Sam, Steve smirked to himself quietly.

Clark needed an escape that night; for someone who has inhumane powers the stress of his job at the Daily Planet can definitely take a toll on one person — so he decided to go flying around at night, just to take his mind off things. As he was flying, he sensed trouble and decided to check out what was happening. It was a woman who was being bothered by her ex who was clearly under the influence, “Goddamn it, Alex! I told you I don’t want to talk to you!” Y/N was trying her best to push him away, but even in his drunken state he had a  tight grip on her forearms. “Just wanna talk to you, baby,” He sing-songed as he tried to push his body closer to hers. “I think she made it clear that she doesn’t want to,” A booming voice spoke up, causing Y/N to gasp out loud when she saw Superman himself; Alex however grunted at the searing pain on his shoulder caused by the mysterious man, the pain weakening his hold on the girl to the point where he tore his hands away from Y/N to push away the weight on his shoulder. In his drunken state, he failed to piece together how it was the infamous hero in front of him — instead all he saw was a tall, muscular man and decided he didn’t want to have his face beaten up so he just walked away with his arms up in surrender. “Are you alright, miss?” Clark gently asked the woman who felt relieved she was no longer being bothered by her ass of an ex. “I am, thank you.” She nodded and before she could ask how’d she find him he offered, “Would you need help getting home? Just to make sure he won’t follow you again.” He was quick to clarify, in hopes she won’t find him creepy. “I know you have good intentions, but it’s fine. I don’t think he has the balls, let alone the energy, to bother me. At least for tonight.” With that she waved at the hero goodnight before getting into her car and driving into her apartment — but she didn’t know how up in the sky above, a certain pair of blue eyes followed her journey home.

“Hi! You must be the one who moved next door?” Y/N politely greeted the man as she was leaned by her front door. Clark smiled as he adjusted his glasses — suddenly feeling nervous upon seeing her beautiful face once more, “That is me! Though the one who moved next door is quite a mouthful; you can just call me Clark.” As she laughed at his lame joke she told her name, “And feel free to knock if you need anything, okay?” Taking his nod of agreement as a cue that their conversation ended, she entered her apartment. The son of Jor-El II went inside his own apartment that was directly next to hers  — he did so because days and nights of following her didn’t satiate his hunger for her, so he decided that perhaps this would be a clean way of easing her into a relationship — and busied himself with organizing his belongings in his apartment. Hearing Y/N’s increased heart rate and her voice raised, he opened his door to check out what was going on; and the sight of her ex bothering her once again. “Come on, Y/N! You need to take me back!” Displeased with how the imbecile failed to grasp that Alex should not reach out to his girl anymore. Letting his rage get the best of him, he walked over and pushed Alex off hard enough he landed on his bum, “When a woman says she doesn’t want to see or talk to you, then you better comply with her request.” Gulping down, he recognized the strength as the same one who grabbed onto his shoulder — and now as he was sober Alex decided to respect her wishes and hastily stood up to leave the apartment building. “Are you alright?” Seeing how Clark stood up for her, it made her reminisce about how she was reduced two weeks ago by Superman, “I’m fine, Clark,” She nodded as she grounded herself back to reality and stared into his concerned, blue eyes, “Thank you, by the way.” As he smiled at her she offered him for some snacks in her flat, which he gracefully accepted. “You know, you’re the second person who helped me get rid of Alex,” She mentioned as she handed him a snack; feigning innocence he tilted his head up as he inquired, “Oh? Who’s the other one?” Taking a small bite of the snack, she wiped her mouth free from the crumbs before  replying, “You probably won’t believe it, but it was Superman,” She laughed along with her new neighbor who didn’t find it unbelievable and instead played along as he spoke, “Who’s to say I’m not your personal superhero, beautiful?”

[you-call-it-a-dude]

I just got my wisdom teeth out today. So please enjoy this old Bechloe fic from my fanfiction.net account about Beca getting her wisdom teeth out! Not all my stories from ff.net have been moved to ao3 so if you’re interested feel free to check them out here

Words of Wisdom

"Beca, I know you're nervous, but please stop bouncing your leg. You're shaking the whole car." Chloe said, reaching across the center console to put her hand on Beca's knee to steady it.

"I'm not nervous." Beca replied, gripping Chloe's hand tightly. "I just- aren't I too old to be getting my wisdom teeth out? That shit happens when you're like twenty."

———

"That's true. You are. But because you don't know how to stop eating Reese Cups, you keep getting cavities in your wisdom teeth and I'm sure our insurance is very annoyed with how many fillings you've gotten the past two years. So now it's going to be all taken care of!" She gave Beca's knee a reassuring squeeze before returning it to the wheel to turn into the parking lot of the dentist's office. She pulled into a spot relatively close to the entrance and killed the ignition. She grabbed a book from the backseat and tucked it into her purse before getting out of the car. She was about to lock the door before she realized Beca hadn't got out of the car. She made her way to the passenger side and saw her wife in the seat with her arms crossed. She threw open the door and placed her hands on her hips. "I'm going to count to three, Rebecca. We already have two children, I don't need you acting like a third one."

"I'm not Frankie. That doesn't work on me." The redhead cocked her eyebrow at Beca, accepting the challenge.

"One…" Beca kept her gaze forward, refusing to look at her wife. "Two…" She snuck a glance at Chloe and saw her sporting her 'mom face'. She was getting a little bit nervous. "Two and a half…Don't make me get to three." The brunette refused to back down. Chloe just sighed loudly. "Three." Before Beca knew it, two strong hands were grabbing her by her biceps and literally dragging her out of the car. Chloe slammed the door and locked it before Beca could try and get back in. "Seriously, Beca. I don't have time for this. Please just cooperate." Beca let out and exaggerated sigh and grumbled.

"Fine." Chloe beamed a big smile and linked her arm with Beca's, leading her into the dentist's office.

Once they checked in, Chloe filled out Beca's forms because the brunette had absolutely no idea how to answer those questions. Just as Chloe handed the clipboard to the woman at the front desk, the dental hygienist called out Beca's name. Chloe kissed her wife's cheek. Beca stood up and looked down at Chloe.

"You're not coming?" She asked with a pout on her face.

"She can be with you until you fall asleep." The hygienist interjected politely. Chloe smiled and stood up. She put her hand on Beca's lower back and gave her a little push in the direction on the room.

The hygienist led them to the room Beca's surgery would be performed in. She instructed both girls to take a seat and Chloe shot Beca a stern look when the brunette attempted to sit in the chair that was meant for her. She pointed to the dental chair and Beca sighed in defeat as she slid in the chair. Chloe reached over and grabbed Beca's hand, squeezing it for reassurance. The oral surgeon walked in a few minutes later. He was a gentleman who looked to be in his early fifties. He shook both of their hands, introduced himself as Doctor Camden, and pulled up his stool.

"Alright, Mrs. Mitchell. I'm going to be taking out all four of your wisdom teeth. Luckily they aren't impacted, so it should be a relatively easy procedure. We can even keep you awake for it if you'd like."

"I wouldn't." Beca said curtly, making Doctor Camden laugh.

"Okay then. I'll give you local anesthesia and twilight sedation as opposed to general anesthesia. Does that sound okay?" Beca was too nervous to ask questions so she just nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry, what does all that mean?" Chloe asked respectfully.

"Local anesthesia will numb up her gums. I'll apply a numbing gel to the area first, and then I'll inject it into her gums, just like when getting a cavity filled. Twilight sedation is a very light form of general anesthesia. We will give it to her through an IV and she'll fall asleep. She won't feel any pain and she wont remember the procedure. She'll still be out of it when she wakes up, but we won't have to monitor her breathing like we would if she was under general because she wouldn't be completely out. I hope that answers your question."

"It does. Thank you."

"How about we get started then." Doctor Camden washed his hands thoroughly before putting on a pair of latex gloves. "I do apologize Mrs. Mitchell, but I'm going to have to ask you to step out now."

"Of course." Chloe stood up and pressed a kiss to Beca's head. "I'll be waiting for you. You're okay, baby. I love you." Beca frowned and watched her wife leave the room.

"Shall we begin?" Beca nodded and sat back, letting the hygienist clip that crappy paper bib around her neck. The surgeon began to lower the chair and Beca gripped the arms tightly.

Beca's had her fair share of cavities. Too many cavities are why she's in this predicament. But, Beca can't handle pain. You would think someone in and out of the emergency room as much has her would be used to it by now, but that's not the case. She secretly likes to blame it on her girls, mostly Chloe. Saying they've made her soft and Chloe babying her when she's hurt makes her mind think it's okay to be a wimp blah blah. In reality, the brunette has always been this way, but now she has someone to blame it on.

Once her mouth was numbed up and it was kicking in, Doctor Camden felt around the top of Beca's left hand, looking for a vein. He kept his thumb over the vein he would insert the needle in and cleaned the area. Beca gritted her teeth and cringed as the needle went in and sighed in relief when she actually felt no pain. He taped the needle in to keep it in place.

"Okay, Beca. IV is in and you should start feeling sleepy, okay?" Beca nodded. She could feel her eyes getting heavy.

"My hand hurts." She mumbled.

"Hold on, I'll fix that." He readjusted the tape and upped to dosage a bit, knowing it would be difficult for her to fall asleep if her hand was bothering her. "Better?"

"Ye-" Beca mumbled out the rest of her sentence. Doctor Camden had no idea what was said, but he caught the beginning of the word 'yes' before Beca knocked out.

/

Chloe sat anxiously in the waiting room. She brought a book from home to read, but she kept getting distracted by texts from Aubrey. The blonde was sending Chloe updates on Frankie and Callie, but was also expressing the excitement of seeing Beca coming of her anesthesia. Aubrey and Beca have buried the hatchet years ago, but they have a very playful and teasing relationship that Stacie and Chloe find amusing. Aubrey just sent Chloe a picture of Frankie and Callie on the couch, watching The Little Mermaid. The eight month old was sitting comfortably between Frankie's legs and Frankie had her arms wrapped securely around Callie. She pouted at the cuteness and quickly made that photo her new lock screen. Just as she put her phone back into her purse and was ready to pull her book out (thinking she still had a ways to go because it has only been forty-five minutes), Doctor Camden came out of the room.

"Mrs. Mitchell?" Chloe looked up and smiled at him.

"Finished already?" She grabbed her and Beca's coat and stood up.

"Oh yes. All four of her wisdom teeth grew in perfectly straight so it was fairly easy." He spoke and he led Chloe to the room Beca was in. "She's just waking up now so she might be a little groggy and goofy. I want her to stay here for thirty minutes, just till the sedation wears off a little. Then you can be on your way." He opened the door for Chloe and she thanked him as she entered the room. He shut the door to the room once Chloe entered.

She could see the back of Beca's head. The brunette was rocking her head side to side and making a noise similar to a whine. She sat on the chair next to the dental chair and draped the coats on her lap. When she finally got to look at Beca's face, she couldn't help but smirk a bit. Beca had her eyes closed, still rocking her head side to side as if she were dancing to her own whines. Her cheeks were huge and she could see the gauze stuffed in her cheeks. Chloe took this opportunity to take a quick photo before she placed her hands on Beca's knee to get her attention. The brunette cracked one eye open and looked at Chloe.

"Hi, chipmunk." Chloe said as she bit back a laugh. Beca opened her other eye and smiled at Chloe for a moment before her face dropped in confusion. She reached up and touched her cheek, furrowing her eyebrows. She trailed her fingers across her cheek to her mouth, touching the gauze. "Leave it in there, baby." She looked up at Chloe as she gripped the gauze between her thumb and index finger, ready to pull it out. "Beca, I'm serious." She grabbed Beca's hand and pulled it from her mouth.

"I need to take it out!" She attempted to shout, but it came out tired and muffled. She pouted and lifted her hand up to touch Chloe's face. "You're so pretty, babe. Are you a parking ticket? Because fine." Chloe threw her head back and laughed at Beca's failed attempt at a pick up line. "I wanna get up." The brunette started to turn in her spot, ready to roll off the chair. Chloe put her hands out and grabbed Beca's hips to keep her there.

"You need to stay in the chair, Beca." Beca turned back onto her back and smirked.

"I'll stay if you give me a kiss."

"I can't kiss you right now. Please just stay in your seat for me? I'll love you forever."

"Oh god! That's even better! I'll stay in my seat." Chloe grabbed Beca's hand and kissed lightly over her Band-Aid.

"Good girl. Thank you." Beca smiled and looked lovingly at Chloe.

"I love you, red panda."

"I love you, too." She placed a soft kiss to Beca's temple.

"Chlo, I really love you." She looked up at Chloe with watery eyes.

"Beca, baby. Please don't cry. I love you too."

"Yeah, but I just love you, Chloe." Chloe pushed hair from Beca's face.

"I know, sweetheart. I know." Just as Beca was about to respond, there was a knock on the door. "Come in!" Doctor Camden entered the room holding some paperwork and a packet with an oral syringe.

He stood at the desk with the computer and began highlighting things on the paper. Beca began humming and singing loudly to herself so Chloe stood up and made her way to the surgeon so she could hear him explaining things. He started to explain to Chloe how to clean her gums, things Beca can and can't eat for the time being and everything that Chloe needs to know to take care of Beca.

"Babe!" Chloe turned her head when Beca called out for her. She saw the brunette holding one of her bloody gauze in her left hand.

"Beca, I told you not to touch those." By now Doctor Camden saw Beca had taken the gauze from her mouth excused himself to get more.

"Catch!"

"Beca don't you dare!" Beca attempted to throw the gauze, but instead of letting it go mid-air, she let her arm go through the motions of throwing and let the gauze go when her hand was inches from the floor. "Rebecca, quit it." Chloe said through gritted teeth. Doctor Camden returned moments later and quickly inserted the gauze into her mouth.

/

Chloe finally got Beca home. After the whole gauze fiasco and Beca dubbing herself as 'speed racer' when one of the hygienists wheeled her out to the car. Getting Beca out of the car was a lot easier than getting her in the car. Beca was eager to get inside and take a nap. She spent the whole car ride telling Chloe how she was going to 'nap so hard she was going to wake up needing another nap'. When she led Beca into the house through the garage, Frankie immediately ran up to Beca and hugged her legs. Beca looked down at her daughter and smiled.

"Hi mama! Why your face like that?" Beca looked up and Chloe with a worried expression on her face.

"What's wrong with my face?"

"Ah, I thought I heard you, Beca." Aubrey came into the room with Callie in her arms. Beca gave a lazy solute.

"General." She leaned down a bit to get eye level with Callie. "Hi, chunky monkey." Callie furrowed her eyebrows and gave Beca a dirty look. "Hmm. Tough crowd."

"She's probably wondering why your cheeks look like hers." Aubrey said, adjusting Callie when she started getting fussy.

"Where's Stace?" Beca asked, looking around the kitchen.

"In here Becs!" She heard Stacie shout from the family room. Beca pointed in that direction and unsteadily walked into the family room. Stacie was sitting on the couch with her legs propped up on one of Frankie's toys. The taller brunette was now seven months pregnant and she just looked over it. Beca plopped down next to her best friend and smiled wide, making bloody drool slip from the corners of her mouth.

"Ew, Mama B. That's gross." Stacie grabbed a baby wipe from the package resting next to her on the arm of the couch and she wiped the drool away gently.

"You're so nice to me, Stacie. I love you." Beca said tearfully. She laid her head on Stacie's shoulder and sniffled. Stacie patted Beca's head softly.

"Okay, Becs. I love you, too."

"Can I take a nap on your boobs?" Stacie shrugged her shoulder nonchalantly, scrolling through her phone. Beca shifted so she was lying comfortably on Stacie's chest. Stacie continued to absentmindedly play with her best friend's hair while she looked through Facebook. When she noticed the smaller brunette starting to drool she carefully placed a baby wipe on her shirt, under Beca's mouth.

/

Beca had been sleeping on Stacie's chest for around thirty minutes. She was snoring loudly in Stacie's ear, but she didn't really care. She had been really hormonal lately and found comfort in cuddling with her best friend. Frankie came running into the family room around this time, Callie crawling behind her as fast as her little hands and legs can take her. Frankie stood between Stacie's legs and patted on her knees.

"Aunt Cee, mommy says lunch time!" The toddler said excitedly. Stacie pushed some stray hairs out of her niece's face.

"Is it? Did she tell you what we are having? Cause your little cousin is making me really picky." Frankie nodded and put her hand on Stacie's baby bump.

"Uh huh! Mommy said," Frankie paused and scrunched up her face, trying to remember what her mom told her. ", she said floppy hoes." Stacie laughed loudly, jostling Beca and making her jolt awake. She wiped the drool off her face and stared tiredly at Stacie.

"What's so funny that you laughed loud enough to shake the earth?" Beca asked, slightly annoyed.

"Frankie, tell mama what mommy made for lunch."

"Floppy hoes!" She said confidently, throwing her hands in the air. Callie finally made it to the couch and giggled at her silly older sister.

"I don't think that's right, kiddo." Beca said groggily, wincing at the pain she felt in her mouth.

"Thank you for relaying that message, Franny. Your mama and I will be there in a minute."

"Okay!" She jumped and ran out of the room and back to the kitchen, leaving Callie on the floor with a pout on her face. The baby sighed dramatically and began crawling towards the kitchen, smacking her hands on the hardwood loudly as she did so. Beca guessed that was her version of stomping away angrily.

"Let's go, chipmunk. I have floppy hoes to eat." Stacie said, laughing lightly as she shoved Beca off the couch. "I need your help getting off the couch though." Beca stood up and held both her hands out for Stacie. The taller brunette gripped them and Beca yanked her up, expertly avoiding getting impaled by her pregnant belly.

Beca groggily followed Stacie into the kitchen. Aubrey stood up to make sure Stacie got into her seat okay. Chloe stood up and grabbed Beca's hand, leading her to the kitchen sink. She pulled out the packet the papers the doctor gave her as well as the oral syringe. She read the packet to herself and grabbed the box of salt from the cabinet and filled a bowl with warm water. She added the salt to the water and filled the syringe with the salt water. She carefully pulled out the gauze and flushed her gums. Once her mouth was clean, she gave her some ibuprofen. Beca took her seat next to Frankie and the redhead set a bowl of applesauce in front of her. Beca groaned in displeasure and looked up at Callie who seemed jealous that Beca got applesauce and she was eating pureed carrots and buttered noodles.

"I'll trade you, Callie Cat. Actually, you can keep the carrots." Callie smiled at Beca and the spoonful of carrots that Chloe just fed her came spilling out of her cheeks.

All the girls sat around the table and enjoyed their lunch of sloppy Joes. Chloe talked about how Beca acted after her surgery and the brunette rolled her eyes and refused to believe it. Stacie told Aubrey and Chloe about Frankie calling their lunch 'floppy hoes' and when the toddler saw it made everyone laugh, she began to repeat it. That earned her a scolding from Chloe and a 'mom look' from Beca because was too damn tired and in too much pain to discipline.

After lunch was finished, Aubrey decided it was time for them to head home. She knew both Stacie and Beca were exhausted at this point and wanted them both to get some rest. Once they all said their goodbyes, Chloe flushed out Beca's gums again and replaced the gauze in her mouth.

"Becs, would you be opposed to napping down here? I want to be able to take care of you, but the girls won't be happy being confined upstairs. I'll try really hard to keep them quiet."

"Babe, I'm so tired I could sleep comfortably on a rock." Beca tiredly shuffled over to the couch, ready to lie down.

"Wait!" Chloe put her hand on Beca's shoulders to stop her. "Sleep on the recliner. Just for now. I was reading that it's good to keep your head upright." Beca just nodded and made her way to the recliner, pressing the button to raise the footrest, but keeping the top half of her body upright. Chloe grabbed a blanket from the linen cabinet and covered Beca up. Beca mumbled a half-assed 'goodnight' and fell asleep.

Chloe was able to keep the girls quiet for about forty-five minutes. They could only stay interested in Frozen for so long, especially when they had a sleeping and hurting mom to bug. Frankie, being the instigator she is, decided that she needed to be sitting on Beca's lap in order to enjoy the movie quietly. Frankie climbed on to the recliner and sat herself on Beca's lap. Because Callie was basically Frankie's shadow at this point, she crawled her way over to Beca's chair, started smacking on the arm of it and began whining. Chloe sprung up from her spot on the couch and picked up Callie. The tiny redhead immediately began squirming and started to cry.

"Shh, Callie. Mama is sleeping. Come sit on my lap." Chloe sat back down and nestled Callie on her lap. The baby didn't like it at all and she reached her arms out towards her sleeping mama. "Alright. Jesus." Chloe stood up and tiptoed to Beca. She carefully pulled back the blanket a bit and placed Callie under it, tucking part of it between the sides of the chair to create a pouch. Beca cracked an eye open at the movement and instinctively wrapped her arms around both her girls.

"I've got them." Beca mumbled sleepily. She absentmindedly began to rub both Frankie and Callie's arms softly with her fingertips, making both of them drowsy. "If they're falling asleep, turn that fuckin movie off." She added after fifteen minutes. Chloe grabbed the Xbox remote and exited out of the DVD playing. She opened Netflix and browsed through it, settling on watching Parks and Rec. She turned down the volume and snuggled back into the couch. "Will you turn the light off, too?" Beca said not even a minute after Chloe got comfortable. The redhead sighed and stood up, making her way over to the light switch and shutting it off.

"Anything else before I sit back down, babe?"

"I need a kiss." Beca said with her eyes still closed, but Chloe could see her smiling around her gauze. She bit her lip and made her way over to Beca, pressing light kisses all over her face, making her sigh contently. She also placed a kiss on both Callie and Frankie's forehead. Both girls were now sleeping comfortably on Beca's lap. The redhead made her way back to the couch and sprawled out, enjoying not having to share the space. "Hey, Chlo?" Beca asked a few minutes later, startling Chloe.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I love you so much, dude." She said, with a slight whine in her voice. Chloe chuckled and looked over at Beca, who somehow managed to fully knock out in the span of about two seconds.

"I love you, too, Bec."

[superblizzarddrift]

Teething Problems

This one kinda wrote itself so thanks for the awesome prompt choice @hermanncodednewtboy​! (AO3 version here)

Hermann had been in the waiting room for nearly an hour when Newt finally shuffled in, one hand clutching an icepack to his jaw and the other holding the nurse’s arm.

‘Oh, good.’ He hurried over, struggling to hide his worry. ‘Newton, how are you feeling?’

Newt stared back at him with a look of betrayal. ‘They took my teeth, dude,’ he slurred.

‘Not all of them,’ the nurse said kindly, ‘just the ones that were causing you trouble.’

Newt had been complaining about his wisdom teeth for as long as Hermann had known him. “I’ll get it fixed when the apocalypse is over,” he’d insist whenever Hermann nagged him about it. Ten years later, the apocalypse was over and Newt was out of excuses.

‘Can we go home now?’ Newt let go of the nurse’s arm and latched onto Hermann like a dejected limpet. With a sigh, Hermann settled things with the nurse and listened to her instructions. It was a little hard to concentrate with Newt being so… affectionate. Judging by her smile, she noticed his blush.

It was dark outside. Mako waved from her car. ‘Did it go well?’ she asked as they clambered into the back.

‘No, it was bad,’ Newt muttered, clutching the icepack against his cheek. ‘Didn’t feel any of the teeth come out.’

‘That is a good thing, Newton.’ Hermann leaned over to buckle him in.

‘But I don’t know if they even did it!’

Mako laughed. ‘I’ll get you home.’

“Home” was still the Shatterdome for now, although clean-up had begun and pretty soon the K-Science division would be a thing of the past. Hermann never thought he’d miss that lab – or his annoying co-worker. As they turned a corner, Newt slumped against his shoulder. Hermann put an arm around him.

‘Had really cool dreams.’ Newt mumbled. ‘Each dentist was a different Kaiju…’

In the mirror, Mako’s eyes flicked up briefly before returning to the road. A Kaiju had taken her father, just as it had taken her family before it. He knew she was still grieving, in her own quiet way. ‘How many dentists were there?’ she asked, incredulously.

‘A family,’ Newt pronounced, eyes slipping closed. Without his glasses, he looked more vulnerable somehow. Hermann could see the line across his forehead where the stitches had recently healed, the yellow stain of a bruise on his cheekbone. He resisted the urge to comb his fingers through his messy hair.

Back at the Shatterdome, Mako helped Newt to walk up to his room. He wobbled along amiably enough, but when he started bumping into things Hermann quickly returned his glasses.

Outside his door, Newt fumbled through his pockets. ‘I… I can’t find my key. Maybe I left it inside…’

Hermann’s heart sank. Newt had changed his mind about going five times, until he’d had to almost drag him out the door. The key was probably inside his room.

Mako bit her lip. ‘You could borrow my room for the night? I’ve been sharing with Raleigh anyway.’ She blushed a little.

Hermann shook his head it. ‘Mako, you have done more than enough tonight. I’ll… I’ll take him to my quarters. It’s probably better if someone keeps an eye on him, anyway.’

Mako hesitated. 'Are you sure? I really don't mind...'

Newt looked to Hermann hopefully. 'Sleepover? Please?'

Oh, it was going to be a long night.

Mako followed them to Hermann's room then bid them goodnight.

'Take care, rock star,' she said fondly, with a wink at Newt.

'Mmm,' said Newt vaguely, eyes drifting closed.

Hermann ambled into his apartment, scanning for any litter or discarded underwear before remembering that he never left anything in his room out of place.

Newt sat down on Hermann's bed, groaned and promptly spat a mouthful of bloody gauze into his lap.

'Oh, for heaven's sake, Newton.' Hermann grabbed a handkerchief and cleaned up the mess.

'Hurts,' Newt said miserably, but held still as Hermann gently mopped the red saliva off his fingers and chin. 'Are you sure they took my teeth out?'

'I assure you that they took all four of your wisdom teeth, yes.'

'Where did they put them?' He stared at him tiredly, icepack pressed against his cheek again. 'They're my teeth. So I own them.'

'You can't keep them. If it's any consolation, you have plenty more.'

'But I had them for so long,' he whined, flopping down on Hermann's pillow. 'I saved the world with those teeth!'

With a sigh, Hermann patted his ankle. Sometimes he thought he could feel Newt’s emotions, like some residual effect of their Drift. Some mornings he woke up with a song in his head he'd never heard before. Like it or not, they were connected now.

Newt sighed softly as Hermann's hand found his shoulder. Hermann wasn't sure how it got there, but he couldn't bring himself to remove it. 'Get some rest,' he said finally. Newt did indeed seem to be dozing off, mumbling nonsense as Hermann relieved him of his glasses and shoes.

It would be hard to say goodbye to him, Hermann realised. At some point, their volatile relationship had morphed into something harder to define. He’d told himself it was merely co-dependency from working together for so long, but that didn’t account for their Drift. He’d been inside Newt’s head, and he knew that there was something there too.

Newt appeared to be asleep by the time Hermann draped the blanket over him, but then he stirred. 'I think I'm in love with you,' he said dreamily.

Hermann froze. 'It's only a blanket Newton, no need to be so dramatic.'

'You think I'm joking.' He looked so adorably sad, only his head visible above the blanket. 'You always think I'm joking when I say nice things. But I do love you.'

Hermann looked back at him, and for a moment they were standing together in the pouring rain, minds reeling from the Drift. ‘I – that’s very nice of you. Please try to get some sleep.’ He couldn’t tell him. Not now, when Newt probably wouldn’t remember it, and not when they’d most likely be on opposite sides of the world in a week or two. It was easier to remain detached. That was how he’d been able to do his work in the first place. No ties.

‘Where are you going?’ Newt asked in alarm as Hermann turned away. ‘Don’t go! I’m sorry!’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he said. ‘I’m going to sleep on the sofa.’ He barely used the battered old couch by the window, but it would suffice for tonight.

‘There’s enough room for two, you know.’ Newt patted the space beside him. ‘Your leg hurts, doesn’t it? I can feel it too.’

Indeed, Hermann’s leg had been throbbing for most of the walk back. He gaped at him. ‘You can?’

‘You’re so cute when you’re all uptight. Come on. Please?’

If they’d been in this situation a month ago, Hermann would have probably marched out and slept in Mako’s room. Perhaps a little bit of Newt had rubbed off on him in the Drift, because he found himself shrugging off his jacket, kicking off his shoes and climbing into bed beside him. He switched off the light. Now, only a faint glow came from under the door.

Newt curled up under the blanket, squishing his face into the pillow. ‘This is nice,’ he sighed.

Hermann dared to shuffle a little closer, not quite touching him but close enough to feel Newt’s warmth. ‘Yes, it is.’

There was an itch under his skin, a yearning. He didn’t want to say goodbye, not after all they’d been through. Would he still feel the effects of their Drift when they were far apart? What if Newt got into trouble somehow, would he feel his pain? His loneliness?

‘Newton,’ he said quietly, ‘I – I don’t want you to leave.’

Newt yawned. ‘I’m not leaving, I’m staying here.’

‘I don’t mean this room. I mean you. I don’t want to go back to sending letters.’

There was a silence so long that Hermann was sure Newt had gone to sleep. But then Newt shuffled over until his forehead rested on his shoulder. ‘I don’t want you to leave either.’

Relief flooded through him, so strong that he was sure Newt would feel it. ‘It’s settled, then,’ Hermann said calmly, though his heart was singing. ‘Wherever we go next, we shall go together.’

The bed rustled as Newt fidgeted, then there was a puff of air on his cheek as Newt sighed. ‘I can’t kiss you ‘cause my mouth hurts.’

‘You can’t kiss me because you are full of drugs, you silly man.’ But when Newt rested his head on his chest, he didn’t complain. The icepack dripped cold water onto Hermann’s shirt. ‘So, Doctor Geiszler.’ Fondly, he ran his fingers through Newt’s hair. ‘Was this experience better or worse than drifting with a Kaiju brain?'

‘Better, ‘cause I get cuddles. S’not as cool, though.’

Hermann smiled into the darkness. ‘Tell me about these Kaiju dreams you had?’

‘Well, one of them was Otachi, which was funny because she has wings so she couldn’t hold any of the tools…’ As Newt spoke, a warm contentedness seeped through the both of them. Hermann had no idea what was going to happen next, but all that mattered was they did it together.

He didn’t need the Drift to know that he loved Newt too.

[ff15trashgoldenslumbers]

Felix Natalis

...so a little self indulgence because today is my birthday and I allow myself to be selfish on my birthday…

~~~~~

You weren’t upset…

Okay maybe you were…

No, you were beyond upset, you were livid! Pissed! Some would even say down right nettled!

Today was your birthday, the day that you blessed this world with your arrival and the only people who even seemed to care were the subscription services you had set up and your dentist office.

No text messages, no phone calls, not even a social media post!

You kind of expected it, there were so many things overshadowing your big day. Now you couldn’t exactly blame some of the others, there were a lot of new released hitting so many networks today, not to mention that there was a huge ball this weekend, but your four boyfriends! How dare! Not even a letter!

You kind of couldn’t blame Noctis, the poor prince had been known to go out wearing mismatching shoes, quite frequently, unless Ignis noticed before they left the house. Gladiolus was checking everything over for the huge ball. While Ignis you expected to have a reminder, or something, but he more than likely had his hands full making sure that Noctis and Prompto weren’t going to cause a major scandal. Speaking of Prompto, he should have recalled, he was always the first to remember, and find the most obnoxious balloon possible to bring in the apartment.

But nothing! Absolutely nothing!

You huffed as you laid on the couch, it was your birthday, so you were going to pout all you wanted! Maybe...maybe you’d get yourself a cake and hog it all to yourself. A grown woman could eat an entire cake by herself, and not even Bahamut could stop you!

You went to get ready to go get your pity cake, but as you pulled your phone off the charger you noticed that you had missed a message. From Ignis! You quickly opened the message, only to be find your anger somehow doubled.

Please bring Noctis a tie, he seemed to have left it at home on the bed. I��ll send a car to grab you.

You’d bring Noctis his tie all right! But you couldn’t be held responsible for anything that might happen to it on the way! You marched into the bedroom, finding the stupid tie laying directly on the bed where the Prince had left it. Snatching the tie up you, marched downstairs, the tie clenched tightly in you fist, not caring if it wrinkled! Serves them all right!

The entire car ride to the Citadel you pouted, tempted to just chuck the tie out the window, and tell the driver to take you to the nearest bakery! You were going to down an entire wedding cake at this point!

Leaving the car, you begin the familiar walk up the stairs, on your way to Ignis’s office only to be immediately intercepted by the familiar ladies’ in waiting who assisted you when there are formal events.

“Excuse me, Ms. Y/N, there’s an important visitor today. We were just made aware, please…” One replied, ushering you to the changing room.

“Wait, no I’m only here to drop this off.” You tried to counter holding up the reason you even set foot in the palace today. Only to find the tie that you were just moments ago thinking of lighting on fire was taken from your hand.

“We shall take care of that.”

“Please, we must hurry.”

Every argument or retort that you tried to come up with was immediately countered, as you were whisked away to get dolled up for this mysterious guest, who decided they were suddenly taking over your day.  You honestly wondered if these ladies should possibly take over for the King’s Guard with how efficient. 

You found it strange that you weren’t high strung dolled up, there were not bobby pins, or gallons of hairspray. The dress was huge, but not the normal red carpet, where you’re to stand there and look pretty type of dress that you typically wore for these things. If anything, you were the most comfortable you have ever been all dolled up.

“Hurry.” One of the ladies called taking your hand, seeing that you were much more relaxed with them, as they have seen you close to naked on a frequent basis. 

Still you were so confused when you were lead to a ballroom, wouldn’t it have made more sense to have be received in a throne room? You went to ask, only to find all the ladies had disappeared rather quickly. You turned back to the large door, straining to hear something on the other side, but was only met with silence. 

The door cracked open just a the tiniest bit, then enough for you to walk through, but all you were met with was darkness. You knew from memory that you were standing at the top of a staircase high above a beautiful ballroom, but you were surprised that it could get this dark in the middle of the afternoon.

“What the…” You muttered.

Only for all the lights to flash on, streams, glitter and pop cannons went off before you, as you flinched, immediately moving to a defensive position, summoning a flash of fire before you heard the cry of:

“SURPRISE!”

Once the shock wore off you found almost everyone you knew standing around dressed rather fancy but still quite relaxed. A large tiered cake sitting in the middle of a huge buffet with quite a few of your favorite foods! The entire room was decorated for a large party for you.

You stepped forward, having broken your defensive stance whisking the fire away, “Oh my…” You saw Prompto, in a three piece suit towards the bottom of the stairs rapid firing clicking away, he more than likely got a pretty nice picture of you ready to set this place on fire, next to him were Gladiolus and Ignis dressed similarly, but where was Noctis?

You found a hand before you, only to turn and find Noctis, standing there hand offered a blush on his face.

“Happy Birthday, Y/N.” He managed to squeak out as you took his hand allowing him to lead you down the stairs.

Once you got to your other boyfriends, you couldn’t help the smile, you should have known they wouldn’t have forgotten your birthday. It wasn’t in their nature! But still they had you going.

“Happy Birthday, Y/N.” Ignis smiled, as he placed a small tiara in your hair, an on going tradition at this point for you.

“We make you worry birthday lady?” Gladiolus chuckled, handing you a bouquet of flowers.

You gave a playful pout, only to notice the large Chocobo balloons behind the cake, Prompto’s work for sure as you laughed giving a nod.

“We wanted to throw you a huge surprise party.” Prompto replied, finally lowering the camera.

You giggled, “Well I’m surprised! Thank you.”

The next few hours were filled with quite a lot of laughs, and music and cake. You tried to convince Ignis that you could eat at least two tiers by yourself, but he had stated that he didn’t want to be the one in charge of dealing with the aftermath.

By the time that you were all crowded in the car to return home for the night, you found yourself and Prompto covered in glitter. No one was sure of where it came from as Ignis was adamant about there not being any. Noctis somehow managed to get icing under his vest on his dress shirt, Gladiolus suit jacket was missing and Ignis looked perfect as always. You were in the middle of the backseat engulfing poor Prompto and Noctis as they were small enough to allow everyone to sit comfortably enough.

“I’m surprised that you guys managed to keep it a secret. Did you have stuff delivered directly to the palace?” You inquired on the way home for the evening.

“Yes, most were delivered this morning.” Ignis stated, before cutting a playful glare to Prompto in the rearview mirror. “We also made certain that no one else made mention of it.”

“Iggy took my phone.” Prompto pouted playfully, “I wanted to show you all the balloons I had to pick from.”

“Oh, Iggy…” You called, “Where’s the tie I brought.”

“In all honesty I was surprised when I saw, I figured that you would have lit it on fire or thrown it out the car window.” 

“I thought about it…” You muttered playfully, getting a laugh.

“You almost lit everyone on fire.” Noctis stated, as you an embarrassed gasped. 

“You saw that?”

“Got pictures.” Prompto added, showing you the picture of you crouched ready to fight, Noctis standing slightly behind you looking absolutely terrified.  “Good thing Iggy, thought to have everyone below you.”

“How embarrassing would that have been. Crazy lady sets the ballroom on fire on her birthday.”  You laughed.

“Well crazy lady,” Gladiolus called turning around to you, “You’ve got one minute left for your birthday, did you have a good one?”

You didn’t even have to think about it.

“The best!”

[meet-me-in-the-kitchen]

Hi!!! I've just gotten my wisdom teeth removed and I'm emotional wrecked. Who knew I would miss those little shits? Anyway, could you maybe write something short about Y/n having her wisdom teeth removed and being super sad and in pain and Harry is just there to help her feel better? I love your writing and honestly read all of your work twice at the least. ILY

ANESTHESIA AND LETTING GO

(She would stare at him like he was god’s single greatest gift to humanity.)

“You’re gonna take care of me?” she garbled, gaping so he could see the gauze squished into her mouth and a little bit of blood trickling out of the recent incisions. He tried both not laughing or wincing, but couldn’t help an endeared little smirk tugging at the corner of his lips at her genuinely awed expression, as if she couldn’t believe he was actually there. Thsy’d had to remind her a few times that he was her boyfriend, which worried him a bit at first—he reckoned he’d watched The Vow a few too many times.

“Yes, lovie,” he’d rasped, a warm chuckle rumbling in his chest as he brushed away a lock of hair that was dangling dangerously close to her open mouth. This seemed to cheer her up, because she made a contented little cooing noise, the kind you would expect to come from a woodland creature or a baby, before nuzzling her cheek against his knuckles, gazing up at him shyly while blushing a bit. The older dentist in the room had sighed wistfully while passing by for her post-operative check-up, while her younger assistant sniffed jealously. Loopy from drugs or not, y/n took one look at the woman’s lustful gaze on harry’s bottom and glared at her fiercely, mouth full of gauze. He’d said he was her boyfriend, hadn’t he? That made her his girlfriend and thus perfectly eligible to grab his...

“Oh!” Harry yelped in surprise when y/n’s hands reached behind him and greedily squeezed a handful of his bubbly bottom, a gesture usually performed the other way round, not that he was protesting.

“She’s a bit loopy,” Harry explained sheepishly, a little pink in the cheeks, to the dental assistant, who was now huffing and sneering down at her clipboard. y/n simply batted her eyelashes, mouth still wide open, while Harry gently placed her hands down and she sneakily let them travel down his back and then deliver a firm smack to his backside.

“I can see that,” the assistant muttered darkly. She stuck her nose up in the air, and marched out of the room.

Satisfied that her nemesis was out of the picture, y/n settled back into the chair politely and thought back to what Harry had said before about how he was gonna take care of her and how the smooth planes of his perfectly sculpted face had felt against her cheek; thoughts that once again send blood rushing to her cheeks, and send her into a fit of cute giggles, staring up at the ceiling but not particularly anything as she does so with fingers pressed slightly to her puffy lips.

“Proper spanked me in front of the dental assistant only moments ago, love, and now you’re goin’ all blushy on me,” Harry teased lowly, his own dimple poking out as this sent his girlfriend into even louder giggles, ones that she covered with her hands.

After leaving the dentist’s office, however, things had quickly taken a turn for the worse once the drugs slowly exited y/n’s system. dental pain is quite arguably one of the most excruciating pains to exist on the face of this planet. especially if you’re the one going through it. and besides the physical pain...y/n seemed to be having some attachment issues to her teeth, as well.

“...Harry?” y/n whimpered, curling further into her boyfriend’s chest and looking dolefully up at him with wide, tear-filled eyes. His forest green eyes flitted to hers in surprise of her sudden wakefulness. She’d been silent most of the car ride back, after ten minutes of initial happiness and humming his songs loudly under her breath. Once they were back home, she’d clung to his side, and he had to carry her up the steps to their flat, bridal style, because she was kind of flopping all over the place, but he didn’t mind an excuse to hold her so close to him. He helped her into a jersey that smelled just like him to comfort her while she was still neurotically out of it, her cheek squished to his chest while he put Tiger King on Netflix, but admittedly paid more attention to he, looking down every now and then to see a deep-set frown on her fresh face.

“What is it, baby?” he asked. She decided he loved his voice as he talked to her like this, because it was low and pleasant and he took his time saying each word, so it rolled off his tongue like syrup with authenticity and an accent that knew no exact heritage, but Harry. His green eyes were attentive, fingers stroking down her back. “do you need anything?”

“I hurt,” she sniffled, lips trembling. He pouted in response, turning over so he could hold her properly, hips melding together.

“‘M sorry. Do you want more medicine?”

“No,” she said indignantly, like it was obviously not what she would want.

“You sure?” he asked slowly, eyebrows raising. “I thought it hurt?”

“Not that,” she shook her head, eyes shifting to her nervously twisting fingers heartbreakingly. her lips trembled a bit, and Harry grew alarmed. He was him, so he’d naturally spent hours on WebMd, reading up on the side-effects of even such a common procedure as wisdom teeth removal. Had the dentist damaged the crowns of any other teeth? had she hurt y/n’s gums? what if—

“What’s wrong then, hm?”

“I— I just...” she burst into tears, sobs breaking as she choked out an explanation. In a hushed voice, she confessed: “I miss my wisdom teeth!”

He blinked once. Twice.

“You...” he paused. “Miss your teeth?”

y/n nodded, big eyes filling with tears again at the mention of her long departed acquaintances.

“Like...they were always there for me, you know?” she garbled, tears slipping down her face as Harry frantically tries to swipe them off her cheeks with his own thumbs, while also confirming that his girlfriend has, indeed, finally lost it.

“I mean,” Y/N took a deep breath before diving into a heartfelt monologue dedicated to her teeth. “I could be going through the worst day ever, and i could be a total bitch and most people would probably leave, but my teeth never left me. and like, they never even wanted to leave and they were always there, but I never even tried to make them feel wanted,” she sniffled, blinking back tears dramatically while Harry rubbed the small of her back, handing her a tissue she blew her nose into. “I know that humans don’t need them to chew on raw animals anymore, but...can you imagine how that feels?” She empathized, emotion in her voice, “to constantly be there for this total bitch and then she just wakes up one day and feels a pinch in her mouth—“

“Not a pinch,” Harry muttered defensively, recalling Y/N screaming bloody murder the night before, but unsure as to why he’s defending her from...her.

“—and decides to tear them apart, evicting from the only place they’ve ever really known. I didn’t even say goodbye, and it makes my heart sad,” Y/N aid so defeatedly, it kind of breaks Harry’s heart, too.

“And you know the worst thing,” she whispered brokenly: “they never even saw it coming.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” he stated, wiping away her tears delicately, watching her face until each one was gone, a bare sniffle the only reminder she’d been crying. “I love you too much to let you do this to yourself. We’re gonna watch a rom-com, and...”

“But, I never even named them!” she gasped wetly. He ignored her as she murmured alejandro, wisdom the wisdom tooth, and other potential names for her deceased teeth; while simultaneously contemplating if she could break into the dentist’s dustbin and maybe sneak back her teeth.

But when the day comes to an end and the drugs are flushed out of Y/N’s system, Harry takes care of her. He makes sure Y/N’s getting enough water and eating well; sets a timer to wake her up from her naps and feed her the bitter medicine her scowl suggests she wouldn’t take if it weren’t for him. He would make sure to replace her gauze even if she’s a bit squirmy from all the blood in her mouth, and most definitely wouldn’t be stingy when it came to cuddling; squeezing her so tight with his strong arms, trying his best to minimize the pain as much as possible. that meant pressing light kisses to her puffy cheeks. When she’d be up from an aching mouth, he’d be the one putting his hand under her jaw, massaging lightly, to help relieve some of the ache. He make sure her food was soft and the right consistency, and hold back her hair when Y/N’d inevitably puke from the taste of her medicine, or soothingly rub his warm hand over her back when she was tremoring from the anesthesia leaving her freezing.

“Are you staying?” Y/N asked in the morning, yawning as Harry pulled her up to his chest, stroking her hair.

“Yes,” he nodded, lips pressed to the side of her forehead. “Unless you want me to go.”

Because like her wisdom teeth, Harry would never let go.

MASTERLIST

[nonobadcat]

YANDERE ALL FOR ONE X F! READER 

Story rating: Explicit

TW: Rape/Noncon. GORE (non-reader directed), All For one too many kinks to count them all. Highly mentally and sexually abusive relationship. This story is absolutely not for minors and readers should consult the warnings/tags at the top before reading.

Read the entire story at: Archive of Our Own

CHAPTER 27 EXCERPT:

The drive home was punctuated by only two more stops. The first was to a luxury hotel owned by All For One's supporters so that he could change into a new suit. The old one was being dry cleaned by the hotel and personally delivered in 48 hours to Shigaraki's office. The second stop was to grab bottled green tea from a vending machine because all the sugar he was eating left His Horniness's throat just utterly parched. You secretly wondered how many dentists were among All For One's followers. You bitterly hoped the answer was none because he definitely deserved all the cavities he got.

By the time you made it back to Tokyo, Shigaraki was in full swing ignoring the fact that you didn't find murder to be a casual event... again.

The blond scrolled through his map app. He held the phone up to you and pointed at a local greengrocery owned by his followers. "Shall we pick up the ingredients for dinner on the way home? We're having oyakodon, correct?" 

"Sure…" you murmured, glazed over eyes looking out the window. Your body hunched towards the door.

Your husband frowned. “You don’t sound very excited.”

Your bloodshot orbs lifted to meet his sour expression with placid acquiescence. Then they rolled to the side and locked onto one of the holes in the floor. As the jagged edges of the metal started to blur, you realized it was because you were trying to cry again. The tears couldn’t fall this time. You were too dehydrated.

Your husband grabbed your cheeks and stretched them into a painful approximation of a smile.

You stared at him with dead eyes.

With a disgusted snarl, he dropped your skin and grabbed your shoulders. His meaty fingers curled into your flesh tightly, sending a burning ache down your arms. “Stop that,” he commanded.

Your eyes rolled away from him, focused on nothing.

There was a violent shake of your shoulders. “I demand you stop this behavior right now.”

You let your body rattle loosely in his grip as if your bones had turned to jelly.

All For One's eye twitched. “Don’t make me pull this car over and find someone to assist you in rethinking your poor attitude. So help me, I will.”

You sighed and pulled your legs into your chest. Your knees trapped his right arm against you and you buried your face in the sleeve of his new charcoal wool sport coat. “I believe you.”

he raised an eyebrow as you calmly acknowledged his threat. It wasn’t like you to blow off the idea that he would kill someone just to get your compliance. There was no way you missed it, so what was the probl-

As your face snuggled deeper in his arm, he noticed your shoulders were shaking.

“Ah…” His grip on your body softened. His right hand curled around your head and tucked some loose hair behind your ear. “So having your life threatened like that did frighten you. I was starting to wonder.”

A stifled sob wracked your body. You lifted your head and wiped at your eyes. “Of course it did!” you whined.

He chuckled and tilted your skull towards himself. “I’m grateful to see you like this. What you said before had me worried.”

You stared into his face. His thick blond brows were furrowed but his blue eyes searched yours for something.

“You and my little brother both.” He held his head like it was aching. “When you constantly put the value of other people’s lives before your own…" He sighed and frowned at you. "Don’t you understand how it makes me feel to see that?”

Despite everything he had done, there was a throbbing in your chest. The way he traced your features with his fingertips was careful and soft. You truly felt like some sort of prize. There was something intoxicating about it. When his eyes tilted down at the edges, they looked as if they were weighted by some long-festering emotional wound. Your fingers twitched with an itch for something you'd felt long ago on that beach under the stars...

...and then Shigaraki blew it by opening his mouth.

Read the rest at: Archive of Our Own

@shigashigashig​ @kazooli​ @tomurasprincess​ - As if AFO needed more “daddy” vibes he pretty much says: “I will turn this car around!”

[moyaxhi]

high on loving you [renga]

 summary: 

“Someone is here for you, his name is Kyan Reki?” 

“My boyfriend?”  Or: langa gets his wisdom tooth pulled out and reki is tasked with picking him up from the dentist. langa introduces reki as his boyfriend, but they’re not exactly boyfriends yet.

[ao3] 

It was three months ago when Langa complains that there’s soreness on his gums. Now, Langa has always had a track record for having great teeth. He’s never gotten his teeth filled (his mom made sure that his teeth were sparkly clean, practically drilled it in him when he was young), never had to get braces (there was a time where he  really wanted them, even begged for braces, and his dentist, the traitor, had said that there was no need for them.), he’s never even had gingivitis.

 Langa has always had perfect teeth.

 It was quite alarming that his teeth were feeling sore. It happened while he and Reki were together–when are they ever not these days. Reki had been showing him some of the local sweets around. A kind older woman had flagged them over while they were skating.

 “Hi Reki!” She calls out enthusiastically. Reki came to a stop in front of a house and held his board in between his hips. Langa followed and stopped as well. The older woman was wiping her hands with her apron. She wore a soft pink ruffled apron as well as a matching bandana. There was a smell of something sweet that filled the air. It smelled familiar like fresh pancakes he would have as a child back when they were in Canada, like the ones his own grandmother would make for him.

 She was smiling brightly, this was the thing in Okinawa that he noticed, everyone was smiling. They were familiar and so close to each other.

 She turned her attention to the both of them, “Wait here boys, I have something to give to you.”

 “Oh!” Reki exclaims excited, “Thank you Grandma Iki!”

 She waves her hand in dismissal. When she came out, she was holding five bags filled with sugar-coated peanuts.

 “Just made these peanut brittles today!” She handed one to Langa and gave the rest to Reki, “Make sure you share some with your sisters and your boyfriend!”

 Langa blushed at that, he spared a look at Reki, who for the most part laughed it off.

 She was already walking away, not waiting for a reply, the two of them bowed and yelled ‘thank you’.

 On their way home, the two of them were munching on the peanut brittle. Langa bit into it and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t that he didn’t like sweets, but it had been uncomfortable.

 “Ouch,” He mumbled, holding on to his cheek. Instead of biting into the brittle, he started sucking on it.

 Reki looked him over, “What’s wrong?”

 “I think,” Langa sucks air tiding away another painful throb in his jaw, “I think it’s my tooth?”

 “Huh,” Reki walks over in front of him. Too close. He can feel Reki’s breath on his skin. He was an inch taller than Reki but now, it felt like Reki was towering over him with how he scrutinised every inch of Langa’s face.  

 Langa feels a blush make its way to his cheeks, his ears, his neck. God he wishes Reki wouldn’t notice.

 Instead because whoever was up there had mercy on him, his best friend and current crush replies with, “You sunburnt again?”

 And Langa exhales mentally and shakes his head externally.

 Reki sighs. He taps on Langa’s jaw, “Did your filling happen to chip?”

 Langa shakes his head, “I don’t have any.”

 “What?! For real?” Reki cups Langa’s cheeks trying to pry his mouth open. Okay, totally not invasive at all.

 Slurred, Langa tried to say, “Yeah, I’ve never had to need them.”

 It all came out gibberish, but because he and Reki happened to share a brain cell, Reki was able to understand all of it.

 “You lucky bastard,” Reki’s eyes are still solely focused on him whilst letting go of Langa’s cheeks. Langa, feeling shy, has to avert his eyes elsewhere, “If I even forget to brush my teeth once, my teeth start to decay.”

 Reki backs away and walks forward. Langa follows and the two of them settle into a comfortable silence. The sun was setting and it coloured Okinawa in an orange-red hue. The air was cooler these days. Summer was ending soon it seemed.

 Langa kept running his tongue on the back of his left molar. The gum line, even if he couldn’t see it right now seemed to be swollen.

 Guess that meant a trip to the dentist.

 ---

 “It’s an impacting wisdom tooth.” The dentist says.

 His mother was still at work and Langa came to the dentist office by himself. His mother had offered to drive, but he was quick to shoot it down saying that he would skate to the office.

 “We’ll need to take it out,” Langa’s mouth is wide open as the dentist probed on his gums gently, “It’s going to be a quick surgery. Do you have anyone with you right now?”

 The dentist took out his dental probe. Langa shook his head, “No, I’m alone.”

 “We’ll have to get consent from your guardian.”

 Langa sighs and calls his mother mentally apologising for calling her at this hour knowing that she would be busy with work.

 “Hello?” She answers, “Langa?”

 “Hi mom,” He says, “I need your consent.”

 “Oh!” She perks up, “What for sweetie?”

 Langa sighs, “The dentist says I have an impacting wisdom tooth. So, they need to perform emergency surgery.”

 There was the sound of rustling papers on the other line. His mother must be busy in the lab then.  

 “Oh of course!” She replies more rustling, “Have them send over the forms and I’ll sign them immediately with our insurance policy.”

 “Okay.”

 With that, he hangs up.

 Seventeen years of not having a single cavity and here he is having to tide over an impacting wisdom tooth. Just his luck.

 Well, at least he has a free pass for school today.

 ---

 Langa is really hazy.

 The room is spinning. He thinks this is what it might feel like to be drunk. He’s so nauseous that he might actually puke.

 He blinks a couple of times but the lights around him are so offending he wants to hurl something at it.

 There are voices, but for the life of him, he can’t understand. His brain is short-circuiting for sure. Is this what it feels like to sit on a marshmallow? It’s so soft and warm, but also everything is displaced and it keeps spinning.

 “ I’m gonna puke,  ” He says in English  .

  Immediately, there’s the cool feel of metal as a trash bin is pushed to his hands. He puts his head in it, but then it’s too dark and he sleeps so well in the dark, so he just ends up staring into nothingness, huh, that feels really nice, he might fall asleep–

 “Langa,” someone, he’s not sure who nudges him, “Langa, it’s Dr Sawada, can you hear me?”

 “Huh?” He intelligently replies, his brain has not caught up, and it takes a minute for him to comprehend that he’s speaking in Japanese.

 Right.

 He’s in Japan right now, he moved with his mom half a year ago. He met this red head, no scratch that, the love of his life here, oh and the love of his life doesn’t know, he skates, that’s right, oh and where is he right now?

 “ Where am I? ” He says in English before he remembers; Japanese, he has to speak Japanese. And so he repeats, “Where am I?”

 The Doctor, he’s going to call him Doctor with a capital ‘D’ because he can’t remember the doctor’s name all he remembers is Reki and who he wants to get the–

 Oh. Reki. Yeah. That’s right.

 With his red hair, his nice fingers, his cute freckles, what Langa would do to kiss each of the freckles on his face. What Langa would  kill for to kiss Reki.

 Oh yeah, wait the Doctor is saying something, “You’re at the dental clinic right now.”

 Huh.

 But he could have sworn he was on a marshmallow, “Okay.”

 “We had to give you some anesthesia.”

 “Not good?”

 Doctor Doctor laughs, “Someone is here for you, his name is Reki Kyan?”

 “My boyfriend?”

 “Sure.” Doctor Doctor walks out of the room with a smile on his face.

 Oh my god, his boyfriend Reki is here to pick him up. He could cry. What a good boyfriend. His  boyfriend .

 Reki comes in yellow hoodie and all, red hair, he’s so beautiful Langa could cry, “Langa, hey, your mom called me to pick you up.”

 That’s when Langa cries because Reki came to pick him up, he’s the best boyfriend Langa has ever had.

 Langa has fat tears coming down from his face and he groans covering his eyes with his arm.

 “Langa?” Reki’s voice is panicked and he reaches over to touch his shoulder, “Are you okay?”

 More tears come down, it’s a waterfall at this point, he’s just so overwhelmed with everything. Reki, his boyfriend, is here to pick him up and he can’t stand up from the marshmallow, and Doctor Doctor is nowhere to be found.

 “Uh,” He can hear Reki coming closer trying to pry his arms out of his face, “I don’t know what to do.”

 “He’s gonna be out of it for a couple of hours because of the anaesthesia, but he’s going to be okay.” Oh, that’s where Doctor Doctor is.

 “Oh,” Reki says because he’s so good, he’s the best Langa knows, “That’s fine. Alright buddy, come on.”

 As gently as he can, Reki is pulling him up to stand up, but his legs, oh my god where are his legs?

 He cries even harder, “My legs!”

 “What? What’s wrong with your legs?”

 “It’s gone!” Langa wails, “It’s gone and I can’t find them.”

 Reki laughs. It sounds like the best thing Langa has ever heard, but this is hardly the time to be laughing.

 “Don’t laugh at me,” Langa protests, “A good boyfriend would help me find my legs.”

 “Boyfriend?” Reki asks like it’s news to him, they’ve been boyfriends since Langa woke up and that felt like ages ago, years even. Langa has it in good account that they have been destined for each other, he knows this because he said so, “If this is your way of asking me out then it sucks.”

 His boyfriend thinks he sucks.

 “You what sucks even more?” Reki says his face so close. Oh my god Reki has a freckle under his nose, it’s so cute, he could kiss it, “Is that you won’t kiss me.”

 That does suck.

 He has to fix that.

 He’s the worst boyfriend ever.

 He cries even harder.

 “I’m the worst boyfriend ever.”

 Reki laughs and pulls Langa’s arm around his shoulder, “Yeah you are. You better ask me out again when you can remember.”

 That strikes a chord into Langa’s whole being. He turns to face Reki and as serious as he can get, he wanted to say that he won’t ever forget about Reki but all that comes out is, “I won’t remember.”

 Nailed it.

 ---

 He will know a little bit later that he did not, in fact, nail it.

 ---

 It’s not like he forgets about the whole thing.

 In fact, he remembers the whole thing in clear picturesque quality, like 1080p 4K quality.

 Langa remembers Doctor Doctor (now Doctor Sawada), remembers the marshmallow, and how he has made a fool out of himself in front of Reki.

 He’s in his room, covered in his black and blue striped blanket and all he can do is duck further into his bed and scream as loud as he can into his pillow.

 He also remembers that Reki technically  told him to give him a kiss.

 ---

 It happens like this.

 All of them are at ‘S’.

 Miya, Shadow, Cherry, and Joe all witness as Langa challenges Reki to an ‘S’.

 “Terms?” Reki says leaning onto the wall of the ramp.

 “If you win, I get to kiss you.” Langa says and he calls it a triumphant win as he witnesses Reki turn as red as his hair, “If I win, I get to take you on a date.”

 “This is all too one-sided.” Reki counters without any real bite to his words. There’s a blush sploshed on his face, “It’s a win-win for you.”

 “It’s a win-win for the both of us.” Langa says.

 “Why can’t you two be normal for once and just do things normally?” Miya, his face contorted in disgust.

 Reki laughs, “You’re the worst boyfriend ever.”

 Despite this, they gear up to get ready for the starting point. 

 At the end of the night, it didn’t really matter who won (Joe says it was Reki). 

 At the end of the night, both he and Reki were holding hands. 

 At the end of the night, Langa has given Reki about ten kisses. 

 ---

 Reki never lives Langa’s wisdom tooth extraction story down.

 “And that’s how he asked me out, he’s so lame.”

  ---

[echo-three-one]

A Forgotten Memory

An Alex x OC fic

Chapter 7 babyyyy!

Link to chapter 1 along with the summary here

Reviews appreciated as I'm only human and I would like to improve as a writer

I'm running out of gifs (check out the gifmakers tho they're credited down there)

VII - Alex

"Echo Three-One to Actual. We've infilnitrated the location. But it looked like what we've speculated. It's just a cargo warehouse." Alex lowered his gun and hid it on his holster. They were disguised as local policemen as they're breaching a very public area. Echo Three-One frowned at the sight, he had high hopes that Samantha would be here, and he could rescue her and see her again.

He started to regret that he tolerated her actions last night. In his defense, she was scared and needed his presence. He even loathed himself for sleeping that night. How could he let her escape?!

Hey Alex. Just letting you know that I'm home safe. Maxine's here but she forgot about a whole day worth of memories. Maybe she just went out on a bar with her other friends. Can't say I'm not suspicious about it, but I'll be careful. You can swing by and help me discover what's going on with her if you want.

He remembered every word of her text. What's worse is that it actually didn't send, he found it on her apartment floor when he woke up and came looking for her. He misjudged her by thinking she wouldn't come back to her apartment, because her abductors might still be around. But then again, how would he know what's going on in her mind? She won't even share her life details at him. She just filled her with lies on top of more lies, but it was all okay for him, he respected her that she's good secrets she had to keep. He swore he shouldn't get attached to her but looking at himself now, It looked like he also failed that too.

He silently paced around and examined the whole warehouse. He trusted that the intel is correct and they're not barking at the wrong tree.

"This is Echo Three-One advising all units to locate the premises for other possible entry points." he radioed over the comms sending his team to scatter across the vicinity.

It was not long until one of the agents discovered a secret stairway disguised as a refrigerator door.

"Good job! What made you think about opening the damn fridge?" his friend congratulated with a tap on his shoulder.

"I dunno man, I felt hungry. But maybe it's my spy instinct telling me to open it." He humbly replied, Alex chuckled at the conversation before they began heading down the secret tunnel.

"Clear!" Each unit cleared the hallway full of different rooms on each side. It felt like they quickly abandoned the station, leaving unimportant heavy items that were left on the room. They cleared each door until all that's left is one double door at the far end of the hall.

Alex raised his heartbeat sensor as one pulasting dot bleeped from behind. His heartbeat sped as he believed it to be Samantha on the other side of the door. They carefully breached the room revealing a heavily sedated Samantha, bound on a dentist chair. She was unconscious but tears were falling from her eyes. Alex ordered the others to continue to the hallway while the other team escorts the HVI to extraction.

His hands trembled as he slowly lifter her up and carried her. He couldn't hide his concern toward her as his voice sounded afraid.

"GET A MEDIC. ASAP!" he roared as they make their way back to the entrance, glancing at her the moment her tears touched his arms.

"You're going to be okay..." he whispered.

***

"Yep this definitely reeks CIA." an old man with greying hair walked in front of Alex, dropping Samantha's lab results on the table as it makes it's way to Alex. His expression was worried as he looks intently at Alex.

"So, you think we're against each other now?" Alex raised his eyebrow at his supervisor. Supressing a smirk as he noticed that he cut his hair almost bald.

"Not necessarily... But this kind of drug is one of the abandoned projects from decades ago. The only existing sample of this is locked behind secure bunkers deep within the CIA." he crossed his arms and scratched his beard.

"Whoever we're dealing with here, has strong ties within CIA." He warned as Alex nodded in agreement.

"So, what's our plan?" Alex stood up, looking interested to hunt for the mole. His supervisor smirked and shook his head.

"This isn't your fight, kid. Your job is to ensure our HVI is safe. We still don't know who she is, even our facial scans and fingerprint recognition can't seem to pinpoint her. She's foreign but she doesn't look like one. If she cooperates with you, then we'll get a better lead at the case at hand." he pats Alex's shoulder.

"I trust you kept your professionalism when it comes to her, right?" Alex nodded as his eyes locked against his, he's testing if he's lying. Luckily Alex knows what cues he must avoid.

"Yes, Sir." he nodded, the look in his eyes told him that he passed. If he could conceal such lie, what else can the other people within the CIA conceal?

He'll leave the mole to them while he focused on his HVI, both professional and personal.

"Supply drop every Sunday right here." The older man targeted the area with a laser pen. Alex mentally studied the map. He had no idea what country it will be but a wide aerial viee is all he had to know. A dense forest with rivers stretching from each side. The house itself is like an abandoned log cabin on the outside but it's reinforced with bulletproof walls and other notable security features.

"Guess we're both going hunting in our own way as well." Alex remarked as his Commanding Officer chuckled.

"Hunting for information, that is.." Of course he wouldn't get his joke.

"We'll extract you 0300 hours tomorrow, whether she's unconscious or not. Good luck, Alex."

"Thanks, Jack." they both shook their hands as the meeting dismissed. While waiting for extraction, Alex decided it'd be best to stay by her side. In case her dream state would reveal vital information.

***

Alex stood beside her bed as the extraction team set up her dextrose. It kept her from starving all while she's unconscious to ingest something. The doctors instructed Alex how to refill her bags as she'd been asleep for almost a day.

"What if she wants to pee?" Alex asked the doctor, clearly embarrassed about his query.

"The drug effects that's making her unconscious is almost over. She'll be getting up in about three hours or so... So you don't have to worry about that, Alex."

"Uh.. thanks Doc. Have a safe trip home."

"Contact us if she feels uneasy or weird."

"Will do."

And with that, the medical team made their way out of the safehouse, leaving Alex and Samantha all alone in the middle of nowhere.

[insomniac-arrest]

"She had mermaid blood in her veins, but would never reach the ocean."

When I was seven, I fell through the ice. It wasn’t my lake or even my neighborhood, but the water hungrily submerged my body whole anyway.

I was only seven, but I was playing with the older kids my brother liked. There was Macy who wore shorts under her skirts in summer and finger less gloves in the winter- even when it snowed. And there was Lenny who liked to chew on ice and chase people with sticks with dung on it. And of course, Jaden who was older than all of us and could take the bus downtown all by himself.

We were playing kick the can, which wasn’t a very complicated game or very fun in my opinion. One kick down the lane, and then another one. Last one to touch it is “it” and you don’t want to be it. I don’t remember if I was “it” when it went soaring. But there the can went across the soft twilight, sailing across the street and down down, the patchy hill where snow was still clinging to the yellow grasses.

It skittered across the lake we had wondered toward. It was all countryside after you passed Lenny’s house and there were big fir trees and sloping mountains in the distance.

“Go get it, Kelly,” Jaden said it so you knew it had to be done. “Go on now.”They all knew that my mom bought me new boots every winter and that my house was the biggest one on our own street. They knew my brother was the only reason I got to play with them so I scrambled down the hill and toward the rigid ice.

It had melted and frozen again over the last few days in a way that made it look lumpy and like drip-castles you make with sand where you layer it one uneven pile at a time. The can was a Fanta one, all orange and mashed and I didn’t hesitate to scramble for it.

The ground wasn’t even slippery after the powder dust of snow that morning and I made quick work of getting all the way across the frozen water.

“Wait,” that was Macy who wore shorts under her skirts. “Wait, hey, Kelly.”I didn’t look back, I was only a couple steps away from the violent orange can. The cracks were an afterthought and I was seven and invincible and they only played with me for my brother who was more invincible.

“Got it!” I turned with the can in hand but my friends faces were twisted and slightly bloodless as they looked at me.

“It’s fine guys, she’s small,” Jaden muttered, “just come back slow, Kelly.” He called that part to me.I took the next step and under the bits of snow the uneven ice was spider-webbed out in all directions and my eyes went wide as the ground crackled like dry twigs in a fire. “Oh.” I took the next step and it was faster then a snap. The water gobbled me up without a second thought. I went under with a swoop of my stomach and the lights extinguished with a sudden gulp. It was a lifetime on its own where I was taken under and it was dark as the inside of dreams and cold as dentist drills against your gums.

I barely got to scream before I was flailing, gasping, for up. Where was up? I couldn’t find up.

I squirmed and reached out for air or light or anything solid. There was screaming inside my head when I could only find more black waters. There was no air, no light, nothing but the weightless black everything. It was a lifetime.

The hands on my jacket were hard and strong when I was hauled back to the light. Back to the air.

“Ah!” I gave a sharp choking gasp and clutched my hands together. There was an earthquake coming from my very center.

“Get her mom, get her mom,” Remy was yacking up words animatedly and I was shaking. I glanced up at the twilight evening sky and the clouds were purple like my fairy shoes and the world sharp and bright around me like a picture coming into focus. I curled up there and blocked it all out. I was still shaking.

I got home. I got home somehow and was gently soaked in a steaming hot bath that tingled up my limbs and flooded my cheeks with welts of red and put life back into my blue lips. And left me wanting. That’s when the wanting started.

I threaded the hot water through my fingers and something twisted so finely inside me I couldn’t explain it. They would ask me later: how did a girl from Minnesota get an interest in swimming? Why long distance? Why outdoors?I told them different things: I have mermaid blood. It’s all the salt. It’s the depths. It’s just how it is. Sometimes you set records without trying.

I never told them the truth because I couldn’t explain it properly either. I never told them that sometimes a girl from Minnesota almost drowns. And she wants it again- to be lost in the water and get to come back to life again each time.

Send me a phrase or sentence and I’ll write a poem or flash fiction about it!

[sunflowerhae]

butterflies by Kacey musgraves with jeno pls 🥺 I was LITERALLY listening to this song while I saw your post and took it as a sign 🥺

|📣 ▹▹ it WAS a sign my love! Enjoy! Also, I will say this is a bit longer than the others, so yeah lol🦋

Send in your own request!✨🍰🌙

|⚠️ caterpillar’s unfortunate death

“I was just coasting, never really going anywhere. Caught up in a web, I was getting kind of used to staying there”

You’ve known you didn’t like Lee Jeno since you were eight years old.

It was October; the leaves on the ground made loud, crunchy noises that were music to your ears when you walked home, and the weather was just cold enough for your mother to pack you into a light blue jacket and pull a beanie over your head before sending you off with a kiss and your peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It was the day you had been waiting for, for what seemed like weeks; Miss Stacy’s First Grade Class was going to start raising butterflies.

You had been paired off into groups of four kids to one butterfly. You were in a group with a young girl named Yeri, and two boys named Renjun and Jeno. You would sometimes play tag with Yeri, and Renjun was your tetherball partner. You hadn’t had many interactions with Jeno; the older boy was always too busy playing kickball with the other boys to play with any of the girls - let alone you - but it didn’t matter to you; nothing did. All you could focus on was your beautiful caterpillar, and the excitement you felt about raising and then releasing it.

You had a routine.

Everyday, Renjun and you would come into the class and check on your caterpillar; change it’s water, give it more leaves; anything it needed, you gave it. In the afternoon, after lunch, Jeno and Yeri would do the same. However, that day Yeri had left school at lunch; her retreating figure slumping along as she did the walk of shame to her mother; anxious about the dentist appointment she had. You didn’t think twice before getting up from your spot under the tree and walking to the sand field not far from you; Jeno’s figure in your line of sight. He was waiting for his turn up to kick, laughing at something Na Jaemin had whispered to him, when he felt a small peck on his shoulder.

“H-hi Jeno oppa,” You shyly mumbled while looking down at your light up sketchers, not used to interacting with the elder boy.

“Hi.”

“So um, Yeri unnie left for the day, so I’ll be helping you with your caterpillar duties.”

Jeno gave you a confused look. “Oh, Why did noona leave?”

“Um, a dentist appointment I think.”

He shrugged his shoulders and gave you a weak, “okay,” Before turning back to the game.

You thought it was okay.

But clearly, it was not.

“I don’t understand why we even have to do this.” Jeno whined next to you as you wrote down how much the caterpillar had eaten since this morning to now (2 WHOLE leaves).

“Because, well...it’s cute” you shrugged.

“Well, I don’t want to do this lame work. We wouldn’t have to if we just killed the bug.” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Kill the caterpillar? Not on your watch.

“N-no! We can’t kill it! It’s a living thing! Would you kill a cat?”

Jeno’s eyes went wide, and he frantically shook his head. “No! But this isn’t a cat, it’s a caterpillar!” He laughed.

You didn’t think this was a laughing matter, so you gave a small ‘humph’ and turned your head so you weren’t looking at Jeno anymore. Jeno, wanting to play a small joke on you, took this opportunity to silently open the caterpillar's cage, take out said caterpillar, and hide it in between his hands. He thought it was so funny; seeing you turn and freak out because the caterpillar wasn’t there anymore.

What wasn’t funny was when Jeno totally forgot living things need air to breathe.

It was quite a scene to behold; you were standing by the teacher's desk, sobbing so hard that snot came out of your nose, while softly holding the dead caterpillar's body in your little hands and caressing it with your left index finger. You couldn’t help but feel absolutely terrible. Somewhere out there, a little mommy butterfly is wondering when her baby will be home from his adventures in human children's land, and he’ll never return. He’ll never get to turn into a beautiful butterfly, and fly in the wind; spreading his beauty.

Jeno was also trying not the cry. He didn’t mean to kill the caterpillar. He just wanted to play a small prank on the girl he thought was pretty like his mommy. He did actually want to see the caterpillar turn into a butterfly. Renjun tried assuring him that it wasn’t a big deal, but Jeno still felt guilty. Especially when you wouldn’t stop caressing and petting the caterpillar, saying that, that way it doesn’t feel scared, or lonely. Saying that out loud to your teacher made you cry even more, and you didn’t stop crying until you were safely in the arms of your own mommy, while she pet your hair and held you while walking to the car.

The next day, you saw Jeno laughing and playing with his friends; seemingly having forgotten all about the caterpillar incident the day before. Your blood boiled. In the end, you got put into another caterpillar group, and got to release the butterflies anyway; but you never forgot about that one caterpillar incident with Jeno, and you vowed to never let your guard down around the older boy, and to always hate him.

And you had perfectly upheld that vow until sophomore year of high school.

“Now you're lifting me up, instead of holding me down Stealing my heart instead of stealing my crown Untangled all the strings round my wings that were tied”

Week 1

“It’s your fault we’re in here, so shut up!” Jeno had been nothing short of annoying for the past week while you both sat out your punishments in after school detention.

Why were you in after school detention, you ask?

It was no surprise that you two went the ways you did after elementary school. Jeno, being the most popular varsity soccer player by sophomore year - and you, being a valued member (gunning for president by senior year) of the photography club. It was because of the ways you two went, that you ended up in the position of taking the soccer photos for the yearbook. You had to stay at their practice for the whole two hours, but took a break halfway through to catch up on a bit of homework. Jeno, wanting to always be the center of (your) attention, thought it would be a hilarious prank to kick a soccer ball at you while you were looking down at your homework. The first time was harmless. It landed at your feet and startled you, sure, but you just glared at a laughing Jeno while throwing it - albeit, weakly - back. However, the second time he kicked it, neither of you got so lucky.

And that’s how you ended up with a broken $630 camera, Jeno with a bruised (you weren’t that good at punching) nose, and the both of you with a months worth of after school detention.

“My fault?! You’re the one that punched me!” You both sat at opposite ends of the classroom, but that didn’t stop you from fighting. The teacher had walked out to go get more coffee, so you two were free to argue.

“And you’re the one that broke my camera!” You fired back, which initiated you both yelling on top of each other in anger. Jeno wouldn’t usually be too upset about a small incident like this, but after school detention collided with his soccer schedule - which meant that for the next month, Jeno was off the team.

And boy, did he hate that.

“ENOUGH enough! Listen, I really don’t want to talk to you, so you stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine, deal?” You offered, already tired of yelling. Thankfully, Jeno mumbled out a,

“Fine,” and turned his gaze out the window with a sigh, just as the teacher was walking back in.

Week 2

“I need help with my homework.” Many people thought you were an easy A kind of person. You came off as a smart kid, but you secretly kept it in that your grades were genuinely terrible, and just prayed that no one found out.

Usually you would be with your math tutor, but with after school detention, that wasn’t possible. The teacher was, once again, not in the room (that happened a lot, although the times she was there, she was sleeping), and so your only hope was unfortunately, well, Lee Jeno. You knew he was smart - sports kids had to have good grades. You really hoped that he would help you, and wouldn’t laugh, and wouldn’t tell anyone that he did.

When he heard you, he was so ready to laugh in your face and spit out a “no way”, but when he looked up and saw your pouty gaze, well, he was sold. So, instead, he mumbled out a small, “yeah sure” - to which you smiled and took a seat next to him.

It was only once you were already out of the school building did you realize that not only did you two not fight that whole time, but you actually made jokes with each other, and you sat with him the rest of detention.

Shit.

Week 3

“-And so I quickly grabbed her and said ‘no yeri, those aren’t eggs!’ And she spit them out onto the floor while yelling!” The milk Jeno was in the middle of downing quickly flew from his nostrils as he broke out in laughter at the climax of the story you were telling him. You quickly had to shush him while laughing yourself; making wide eyed glances back and forth between him and your detention teachers slumped figure.

It wasn’t that you two were friends, oh no, definitely not. You just had no one else to talk to in detention, so Jeno and you found yourselves sitting next to each other and actually having civilized conversations that didn’t end in having to be separated. The thought of you two being friends still disgusted you, and you refused to admit that you were becoming close.

This is as far as I will get you told yourself.

I only have one more week, and then I can go back to hating him.

But do I still want to?

You didn’t know this, obviously, but Jeno was thinking the same thing.

Week 4

You and Jeno were slowly walking down the empty hallways of your school after your last detention together. Not a word was said between the two of you; both afraid of what might be shared.

You didn’t want to stop talking to Jeno. In the last four weeks, you’ve come to actually enjoy your time together - finding that you had more in common than you thought. While you never would have admitted it before, you’ve always kind of wanted to get to know Jeno, even if you did think he was a jerk. So the idea of not talking to him made you quite upset, though you tried not to show it.

Finally, the two of you got to the entrance doors of your high school, but neither pushed them open. You both just stood there, exchanging awkward glances back and forth, and hoping that the other wouldn’t leave. This went on for around a minute, before something was finally said by Jeno, “y/n, can I be honest,” you nodded, “I don’t want to go back to hating you.”

“Same!” You exclaimed a bit too quickly, the both of you giggling messes at the fact.

“Actually, if it’s alright with you, I was wondering if you, maybe, I don’t know, wanted to see a movie with me tomorrow?” He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, and in the pit of your stomach, you could feel a lonely little butterfly begin to flap its wings as you nodded at his offer with a smile on your face.

“Now I remember what it feels like to fly You give me butterflies”

The breeze from the open windows pulled and pushed your hair every which way as you closed your eyes and smiled from your spot in the passenger seat.

The speaker was blasting with Kacey Musgraves, and you almost felt yourself falling asleep, but the hand that slid into your own had you opening your eyes and glancing at the boy occupying the driver's seat. He was glancing back and forth between the road and yourself with a smile on his face, and you couldn’t help the content sigh that fell past your lips.

“What’s up, baby?” Jeno mumbled, always worried when it came to you.

“Nothing, you just make me so happy.”

Jeno’s smile widened, and he brought your interlocked hands up to his lips, and kissed the back of your hand, before looking at you and saying, “happy three year anniversary”.

First, your mind is occupied with that little 8th year old girl, crying while glancing down at the dead caterpillar in her hands.

Then, you think back to that moment in front of the entrance doors to your school, where that little butterfly in your stomach popped up for the first time, and your heart warms at the thought that that butterfly lives in a garden of its own kind now.

[fandammit]

Look how long this love can hold its breath (2/4)

Part 1

A/N: Another ~2500 words of Ben Gross character study/slow (I mean sloooow) burn Devi x Ben romance. 

*******

He spends the next two days after the party replaying his back to back attempts at kissing Devi, then the way he had just stood frozen in place as Paxton helped her out of the pool.

By that time, Shira had emerged from...wherever it was she had been and had draped her arm around him, and the combined weight of that and the guilt he felt from making a move on Devi when he was still in a relationship with her had rooted him in place.

So he’d just watched as Devi had had what probably should’ve been a private confrontation with her closest friends in front of the entire school, then as Paxton had rushed in to save the day and whisked her away to take her home.

He’d hate Paxton if he wasn’t so thoroughly disgusted with himself, and he’s at least not so selfish that he isn't glad that Devi at least has someone there for her at the exact moment she needs it, since he's apparently too much of a coward to be it.

His one saving grace for the night was that he’d managed not to be a total shithead. He’d waited until most everyone was gone or too drunk to really know what’s going on, then pulled Shira aside.

“Hey, so.” He’d taken a deep breath in and then breathed out again slowly. “I think we should break up.”

He had steeled himself then, ready to give a long and genuine apology about how it wasn’t her -- she’s beautiful and popular and he knows he’s lucky she even spent this long with him -- it was him. He’d been ready to talk about how sorry he was to do this to her, how he knew she’d find someone again soon and he wished her the best.

But she’d just given him a bored look and said ok, then left the room with a listless wave.  

******* After nearly a year together, it turns out that his relationship with Shira is approximately the equivalent of a half-hearted shrug, which might make him sad if he wasn’t spending all of his waking hours thinking about what to say to Devi when he eventually has to talk to her about what happened at his party.

He'd run after her at the moment and blamed it on the alcohol -- and that had held at the time -- but he isn’t so sure it’ll hold up in the bright light of day.

What scares him isn’t some delusion -- and he knows it’s a delusion -- about Devi holding some kind of more-than-friends affection for him, but the very real threat that he’s lost the opportunity to actually be her friend at all.

The awful, boundless loneliness of going back to just being her enemy instead of her maybe, sometimes, somewhat friend seems unbearable. Not now that he knows how much lighter he feels when they stand on solid ground next to each other rather than just trying to claw each other down to get ahead.

He really wants to insist that he was drunk and stupid and that he didn’t mean it, even if saying that second part out loud makes him feel a little bit sick -- as if the lie is too much for his stomach to hold.

Or else that he’d just been so lonely and grateful that someone gave him a present and he’d been drunk enough to let that gratitude manifest in affection, and that it wasn’t her, specifically -- he’d have kissed anyone in that moment who’d given him a present. He’d have kissed his dentist for sending him that postcard.

He so desperately wants those things to be true -- like, more than he wants the Clippers to win the title or his mom and dad to spend more than a week at home with him. More than he wants to be valedictorian at the end of high school.

Because he knows the last thing he needs to do is admit that it wasn’t the alcohol or the present or the fact that it was his birthday and he was feeling alone despite the crowded house. Because admitting that would mean admitting that he had tried to kiss Devi simply because he wanted to kiss her. Because she had looked pretty in the dimness of the theater room, and he’d looked at her lips and suddenly realized (or maybe let himself admit) it wasn’t the first he’d wondered how they might feel. That somewhere along the way the warm sensation in the center of his chest whenever he looked at her wasn’t spite, but something softer, something more tender and dangerous and hopeless.

“Goddammit,” he says out loud in the darkness of his empty room, which is weird for two reasons: he almost never cusses and he’s talking out loud to absolutely no one.

Still, it helps, kind of, so he keeps going.

“God. Fucking. Dammit.”

And then because he can’t bear to say that one particular truth out loud, he switches it for one that he can; stares straight up into the emptiness of his dark room and says through gritted teeth: “You are an entire fucking idiot, Ben Gross.”

*******

It takes another day for him to work up the courage to talk about what happened that night, which is ridiculous because the tactic he lands on has all the grace of a daytime soap: feigned amnesia.

So he stutters through some half-assed explanation about what he may or may not have done, about not wanting things to be weird, and how they shouldn’t be weird because, hey after all he couldn’t remember anything, so they should be ok.

She looks somewhere between thoughtful and skeptical, which makes sense because Devi’s not stupid. She is, in fact, the exact opposite of stupid, which is something that has frustrated and motivated and enticed him at various turns in their rivalry.

He figures he’s about half a minute away from her calling him on his lie, and he steels himself for whatever sharp-edged insult he’s about to get deservedly thrown his way.

Which is why he’s stunned into silence when she doesn’t insult him at all, but instead asks if she can move in with him.

“I’m sorry, what now?” He asks -- you know, once he’s able to get his brain to function properly and his mouth moving like it’s supposed to.

She sighs heavily, and he notices for the first time how tired she looks -- almost defeated. Which throws him off even more than Devi Vishwakumar asking if she can move in with him, because he’s never even seen her look humbled -- and God knows he’s tried.

“Before you say no --.”

“I’m not gonna say no, Devi.” He interrupts, and the relieved smile on her face is enough to make him want to give her almost anything she might ask for. “I’m just -- is everything ok?”

He expects her to say something sarcastic, something along the lines that the simple fact that she’s even asking him means that her world has gone terribly wrong.

But she doesn’t say that. In fact, for a long moment she doesn’t say anything at all, just closes her locker and leans against it with her head kinda bowed.

“Uh, Devi?”

He moves closer to her and it’s almost as if he can feel the misery coming off her in waves. Some remote part of him clocks the fact that like two years ago this would’ve felt sweet; now he just feels alarmed and a little panicked, his anxiety settling along his skin like an itchy rash.

She looks up at him and he’s close enough to see the brightness of unshed tears in her eyes. His eyes widen in shock as he moves closer to her -- not to touch her, because he doesn’t think she’d actually appreciate that from him right now, but to block the gaze of any random passerby in the halls. Half their class have seen Devi lose her temper, but next to no one has seen her cry, and he thinks she’d probably prefer to keep it that way.

“Hey,” he says softly, ducking his head down to meet her lowered gaze. “I just need to ask my parents, but I already know they’re gonna say yes.” He chews on his lower lip. “Is there anything else I can help with?”

“Not unless you can convince my mom not to move us to India.”

He blinks rapidly at that.

“Wh -- what?”

She nods, lines of misery settling along the shape of her mouth.

“That’s why I need to move in with you. I can’t just, like, go back home and be there with mom, knowing that she’s just gonna whisk us off to India.” She shakes her head. “I can’t be around her, Ben.”

“Ye -- yeah, ok, definitely, sure.” He says, trying to process what she’s saying. He takes a deep breath and gives her a small smile. “It’s no problem, David. You can stay with me however long you need to.”

*******

“So, this is the guest room,” he says, opening the door. “Well, one of them.” He gestures towards the closed door on the far side of the room. “This one has the best bathroom though.”  

She raises an eyebrow at that, then walks past him and sets her bag on the bed. She turns around and scoots onto the bed.

“I -- uh -- really appreciate this Ben,” she says, and it’s the first time he can ever remember her actually seeming shy. “I know it must suck to have your rival in the house with you.”

His face twists involuntarily when she calls herself his rival, and he can see the flicker of confusion on her face.

“Do you prefer nemesis?”

He gives her a small smile.

“I was thinking -- .” He almost says friend, but then thinks that might be a bridge too far. “Associates? Living with someone who considers themself my nemesis makes me feel like you’re going to murder me in my sleep. ”

She rolls her eyes.

“I mean,” she says after a moment. “You are letting me stay in your house for, like, free.” She smiles. “If that doesn’t qualify as friendship, I don’t know what does.”

He shrugs and looks away, but only to hide the wide smile on his face.

He hears a knock on the door, and then his mother walks into the room.

“You all settled in sweetie?” She asks Devi with a smile.

Devi nods.

“Yes, thank you Mrs. Gross. I really appreciate this. I know having a house guest can be an imposition.”

She waves the compliment away.

“Not at all. There’s 4000 square feet in this house -- we could go days and not even see one another.” She turns to Ben. “In fact, that is literally what is going to happen this week because your father is going to Malibu for a boy’s getaway and I’m having a girls trip to Napa for the week, so we’ll be out of your hair until next Thursday.”

He gives his mom a tight smile and leans forward for her to kiss him on the cheek like he knows she will.

“And I’m so sorry we’re going to miss your band concert, sweetie,” she says and he sees Devi frown out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to her and mouths a capella, then turns back to his mom. “I promise we’ll make one of them one of these days. It’s just -- well, you know, sometimes you just need a break from parenting!”

She gives him a small hug then sashays out of the room, and he’s left with the weight of Devi’s stare.

“So, have you ever been in band?” She asks after a moment.  

He shakes his head.

“I have not.” He shrugs and gives her a smile that he knows is strained at the edges. “But I am in a lot of extracurriculars, so it can be hard to keep up.”  

She gives him a hard stare when he says that, but he has the feeling it isn’t really directed at him. He makes a weird gesture with his arms that’s halfway between it’s fine and what can you do, and thinks about how Devi’s parents have always gone to every fair, competition and exhibition they’ve ever had. They even went to the monthly award ceremonies in elementary school, where Devi would rotate between being student of month to science star of the month to best orchestra student of the month to shining art star and then back around again.  

His, it should go without saying, have never gone to any of his events -- a fact that it seems like Devi is now realizing by the expression on her face.

“When’s your A Capella concert?” She asks after moment. 

“Tomorrow night.”

“First one of the year?”

He nods.

“Yeah, so it probably won’t be our best one.” He grins at her. “I mean, I’m going to be awesome, obviously, but the rest of the group -- they don’t quite have my talent.”

She rolls her eyes.

“Alright, Will Schuester, leave me alone so I can unpack.”

“Ok, first of all, that’s glee club and it’s completely different,” he says, as he turns to go. “And also, I’m clearly Finn Hudson.”

“You’re a freaking dork is what you are,” she yells behind him, but even with his back turned he can tell she says it with a smile.

*******

Their A Capella concerts never have a very big audience, which makes it easy to spot Devi in the third row of the auditorium the next night at his concert. She gives him a small wave and a thumbs up from where she’s sitting, and he smiles so widely at her that his cheeks hurt a little bit.

The concert goes pretty well, all things considered. He is obviously the best part of it -- that part wasn’t a brag to Devi. Well, it wasn’t solely a brag. 

He emerges from the chorus room and out into the lobby as soon as its over, not even stopping to help tidy up the room as he usually does to score brownie points. 

He scans the lobby and sees Devi standing in the far corner, her hands in her pockets as she scans the room for him. 

“David,” he calls out and walks over to where she’s standing. He tells himself he’s a little bit breathless because of all the singing he’s just done. “You didn’t have to come.”

She shrugs.

“I know.” She gestures to the program in her hands. “It’s actually a lot cooler than I thought it’d be, though it’s nothing like Pitch Perfect.”  

He scoffs.

“I mean, this is just a concert -- you should see what it’s like at regionals.”

“Ooh, do you guys have a sing-off in the parking lot?”

“One sing-off, David? More like you can’t go anywhere at regionals without getting challenged to a sing-off.”

She laughs, and he gives her a sidelong glance.

“So you, uh, you don’t think it’s weird and nerdy?”

She shakes her head.

“No, it is definitely still weird and nerdy, but, like, in a cool way.”

He grins at her.

“Thanks for coming -- it’s the first time anyone’s ever been there for me.” He catches the look on her face -- a flash of something that could be anger, could be incredulity, could be sadness -- and furrows his brows. “What?”

She shakes her head.

“Nothing.” She smiles at him. “I’m glad I came.”

He smiles back at her. 

“Me too.”