#like many love stories very self-centered delusional motives | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moleofmetal · 6 years ago

Photo

Metal Mole at the Movies: Lords of Chaos film review

So today's post is a little different, I’ve decided to branch out and be a movie critic to give my opinion on this year’s controversial film Lords of Chaos. A film that is in Metal so I’m sure I am forgiven for my deviance with this. Album reviews are coming back.

Anyone who has more than a passing interest in black metal at all knows about this book (written by Michael Moynihan and Didrik Søderlind) and the ghastly tales within its pages. If not read the book, have at least read through the “Early Norwegian black metal scene” Wikipedia page. And that's all you really need to know as this film. It tells the extreme tale of the creation of True Norwegian Black Metal and the most infamous band Mayhem and the exploits of its main players, Dead, Euronomous and Varg Vikernes (plus a few other faces of the scene). As well as showing the resulting mayhem of murders, suicide, and church burnings.

Bringing it all to life on the screen through the director, best known as music video producer: Jonas Åkerlund (Briefly a black metaller himself as a rehearsal guitarist for Bathory), this gruesome tale is for all to see in its glory.

Now: it’s impossible to review this film without also touching on my own feelings of the events and crimes depicted, as well on Black metal itself so I will get this out of the way first. I love Black metal! Its tales shown here are almost semi-mythical in the lore and aesthetics of the genre. It is one of the darkest forms of art and It has been described by some as evil personified in music so of course evil shit happened. They didn’t have to happen but this controversy is what fuelled the fire and helped launch its intrigue and boost is notoriety. No one will ever know what Black metal would be like if the events didn’t happen. But this world is the world for better or worst.

If metal draws in the “outsiders” of society, then black metal definitely draws in the “outsiders” of the "outsiders" and the more deranged / mentally unstable of us. This seems to be clear now and in its early days with Dead clearly suffering from Cotard’s delusion (the delusional belief that they are already dead, do not exist, or are putrefying). Although this doesn’t excuse the extreme motivations and actions, it does help to explain some of it. The crimes I find most heinous in all of this not the murder of Euronomous by Varg Vikernes [Spoiler haha], or indeed the church burnings (which did result in the death of a firefighter) but Faust’s (Emperor drummer) murder of Magne Andreassen (a gay man who was stabbed 37 in the Olympic park in 1992) this is a sickening murder that was completely senseless to me. But: as Faust put it he was “looking to take out some aggression out”, it just happened to be Magne that came into his range on that fateful night. It shows more about his mental stability of the man, although he has distanced himself from it being motivated by nothing more than angst and aggression.

This is probably showing me for the leftish shithead I am or as a false Black Metal fan but I believe when It comes to this, no murder or hatred can be truly justified (Fuck Nazi’s and all that), but a key part in this is the fact that even great people sometimes do shitty things, as human nature is deeply flawed.

How much you can truly separate the art from the artist or how much believe in “death of the author” is obviously a difficult conundrum for anyone (I’ll leave this to the reader), but the way I see it is the worst the crime/personality can be offset by the value and quality of the art they make. This makes to soften the blow for some people.

Anyway back to the actual film. It is quite a realistic movie overall, as it plays it mostly straight as it can. It's a dark and shocking film and will be pretty unpleasant to non-metal or Horror fans, who won't find anyone relatable or not psychopathic in this.

At times it feels extremely visceral and violent, with a lot of blood and gore, (Dead’s suicide is particularly raw and painful to view.) while adding only minor jumps. Euronymous, Varg and others have been reduced to some degree to mere characters in this though, as the clunky and at times cringy dialog about the music are very hard to play straight. So what they have done to compensate is to up some of the comedy value. This was done mostly by pointing out their stupidity in their actions. Varg Vikernes takes mostly the brunt of this (as with his compliance Blackthorn) who get the funniest moments.

Euronymous played by Rory Culkin (yes Kevin McCallister’s little brother) does play his part very well. Euronymous seems very ambitious for himself and band while being very self-centered and attention seeking through the actions of others. Although his doe-eyed look at times is distracting at times, his acting is as good as it can be and does not shy away from what must have been a mental toll the events must have taken on him, with his persistent paranoia.

Emory Cohen as Varg Vikernes, on the other hand, comes across as very dorky and awkwardly as if the film is covertly taking the piss out of him. He is depicted as an extremist with some twisted motivations that seem all his own doing. Only needing the slightest prompt to carry out the burnings. He's is acted extremely well and makes for a strong villain. Jack Kilmer (Batmans son) as Dead is played about the best of them as a weird and introverted personality, while also giving him what looks like extreme depressive episodes, he doesn't say much but all the lore of him and deeds are kept true on screen.

Sky Ferreira’s role as the fictional photographer girlfriend of Euronymous: Ann-Marit feels mostly only there to give Euronymous a chance to talk more and explain some more of his stresses and feeling. She is acted well though, I feel like she might only be there to stop there being too many dudes in this flick. In a story that is dominated by dudes, there isn’t much room for her. Thankful they didn’t demote their motivations down to “fighting over a girl”

This movie has the tagline/disclaimer “based on true and lies” is perfect for what is shown since no-one will truly know what went down but you can some of the exaggerations particularly in the amount of sex they have. You can also the attention they put in too, with several points showing and replicating actual and well know photos within the scenes of the film as well as make a great copy of an early Mayhem gig with Dead on vocals. Bloody and graphic! Truly played though is the soundtrack: which is all extreme metal, loud and in your face. With all you kvlt favorites (Celtic Frost, Sarcofago, Sodom, Bathory, Tormentor) here all with correct decade and style. Awesome!

Although this film is mostly hated at the moment, I can see this film becoming a cult/kvlt classic with metalheads in time. It’s a good watch. The comedy elements and what is shown makes for a fairly decent romp of a film that seems to do something that the black metal scene could do with! It has fun and doesn’t take itself too seriously. [7/10]

youtube

#Lords of chaos #film review #7/10 #mayhem #black metal

14 notes · View notes

aion-rsa · 4 years ago

Text

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla Review

https://ift.tt/3plyw92

Despite releasing 12 Assassin’s Creed installments since 2007, Ubisoft is still finding ways to keep the series fresh, and the latest sequel, Valhalla is one of the best titles yet. Is it a revelation for the series? No—there are very few new ideas presented here. But it’s a polished title with solid gameplay and a story that is exceedingly coherent for an open-world AAA title.

In Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, you play as Eivor, a fearsome Viking in 873 AD who lost her parents in battle, a moment that left her literally scarred and hellbent on getting revenge against the warlord who slaughtered them. It’s important to note that the game gives you the choice to play as a male or female version of Eivor at the start of the game, but you’re also given a third option that allows the Animus to “choose” the gender for you based on the memory being recollected. Theoretically, the game is then supposed to switch between male and female throughout the adventure, but despite letting the Animus choose, I remained female for most of my play time.

After an hours-long intro that sees you exploring and kicking ass across the mountainous terrain of Norway, Eivor and her brother Sigurd set out on a longship to start a new settlement of their own in England, where a majority of the game takes place. The game’s story is as violent and unflinching as you’d expect considering the milieu. Eivor and her crew of Vikings go to war with other clans, and she of course carries out missions on her own in traditional Assassin’s Creed fashion. The game centers on you expanding your clan’s influence across England’s four kingdoms, forging alliances and collecting resources to build up your riverside settlement.

“Collecting” is a kind word for what you’re actually doing—Eivor and her clan are brutal warriors who raid any settlement they come across, pillaging and annihilating their way to land dominance. As you travel the English channels in your longship, with a simple button press you can initiate a raid on any settlement you see, which is great fun. As you invade, you work with your crew to find treasures and resources to send home, and the game does a good job of highlighting the camaraderie aspect of the raids via a fluid stream of dialogue between Eivor and her fellow warriors. Conquest Battles return from Odyssey in the form of Assaults and are larger scale raids on gigantic fortresses that feel pretty epic and are tied to the main narrative.

Raids and Assaults are naturally where you’ll engage in the most combat, which is the backbone of this title more than any other in the series. Eivor can wield any combination of swords, shields, flails, maces, axes, and more in her two hands, and you can unlock a host of abilities to unleash hell upon your foes. There are melee abilities, which allow you to rush enemies and slam them into walls or throw them off cliffs, throw a barrage of axes at their skulls, grapple and fling them into other enemies, and much more. And then there are ranged abilities, like one that lets you slow down time to land perfect shots, take direct control of a fired arrow’s trajectory, mark multiple targets for a quick projectile assault, etc. Abilities are unlocked by finding hidden scrolls across the game world or via the game’s sprawling skill tree, whose myriad nodes afford you stat increases and various buffs as well.

Release Date: Nov. 10, 2020 Platforms: PC (reviewed), XSX, PS5, XBO, PS4, Stadia Developer: Ubisoft Montreal Publisher: Ubisoft Genre: Action-adventure

There are a ton of different ways to enact violence in the game, with each weapon and ability bolstered by sweet-looking character animations. The combat is fun and fluid, but it also lacks a sense of tactility, that crunchy, disgusting feeling of impact you get in games like God of War or even Doom Eternal. There’s floatiness to the melee combat that is hard to pinpoint but definitely made combat a little less satisfying than I would have liked.

There’s also stealth gameplay, of course, which is typical Assassin’s Creed fare. I still enjoy sneaking up behind enemies in the tall grass and offing them quickly before their buddies can glimpse me, but the melee and ranged combat in this game is so effective and paramount to the experience that I found myself using stealth far less often than in other games in the series, which I suppose is appropriate since, well, Eivor is a fearless Viking who smashes skulls for a living.

Exploration is a crucial component of any open world game and in this regard Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is fantastic. I loved galloping across the countryside on horseback and drinking in the painterly locales and then splattering the blood of my enemies all over them like a mass-murdering Jackson Pollock. A sign of a great open-world game for me is how much I find myself just wandering around and engaging in whatever quest or activity happens to come my way as opposed to fast-traveling around like crazy just to plow through the main story and get it over with. In Valhalla, I was an avid wanderer, which is a testament to just how compelling a game world Ubisoft has created.

Maybe the best thing Assassin’s Creed Valhalla has going for it is the game world’s sense of continuity. Because you’re constantly analyzing England’s territories on so many levels, it starts to feel like a place that’s not just enormous, but full of people, events, kingdoms, and machinations that all affect and push and pull each other. On an intimate level, you’re exploring the English countryside and its rivers and tributaries on foot. On a more macro level, you’re examining the kingdoms on the alliance map, slowly expanding your influence. And then there’s your hunt for different members of the Order and the many artifacts scattered around the world. Each of these activities connects you to the game world in a different way and deepens your understanding of it, and it can become deeply immersive.

My favorite activities in the game are the various “mysteries” you encounter, little self-contained stories featuring bizarre characters and situations. I loved searching these out because they are so weird and funny and entertaining that they almost overshadow the main story. One involves a confused warrior who has no idea that he’s got an axe buried in his skull (his name is Axehead, adorably); another sees you aiding a ship captain who thinks he’s raiding villages with his crew when, in reality, he’s delusional and alone in a field with an empty longboat, wolves circling him, threatening to eat him alive.

But as for the main narrative, it’s well executed on several levels. It’s a tale of fate, loyalty, glory, and murky morality, with Eivor having to make tough decisions as to how she grows her settlement and how she navigates her relationship with Sigurd and his followers. The characters are really well written and each have a distinctive personality, like the psychopathic but oddly relatable Ivarr and the desperately loyal Dag, Sigurd’s oafish right hand. The joint performances by the voice actors and animators are terrific as well, and the dialogue sounds natural.

Games

PS5 vs Xbox Series X Sales: Who is Winning So Far?

By Matthew Byrd

Games

Why the Xbox Series X Smoking Videos Are a Poor Attempt to Reignite the Overheating Controversy

By John Saavedra

The story takes a strange turn at one point, with Eivor and Sigurd encountering some truly trippy shit involving their Norse mythological roots. It’s really wild stuff that may come off as corny to some, but I dug the hell out of it. The obligatory Assassin’s Creed present-day interludes tie into Eivor’s story in an interesting way as well, with Layla Hassan, Rebecca Crane, and Shaun Hastings unearthing Eivor’s remains and making a real connection with the past in a surprising way independent of the Animus.

Presentation-wise, the game is a AAA title through and through. From the animations, to the assets, to the character, environment, and sound design, the game is a pristine package, which is even more impressive considering its size. I really dig the game’s autumnal/wintery aesthetic, and the character models are absurdly detailed and expressive for an open-world title. Ubisoft is a huge studio with deep resources, and it’s nice to see that Valhalla’s high-quality production value reflects that.

The settlement-building system, which has been absent from the series since Black Flag, is engaging enough, though I didn’t find myself very motivated to focus on it. Adding different buildings opens up new ways to play, like the Assassin Bureau, which tasks you with hunting down members of the Order by collecting clues, and the Valka Hut, which allows you to travel to Asgard and fight alongside the mighty Thor, Freyja, and Tyr. All of these quests are great, but the actual building of the settlement wasn’t fun for me at all and felt more like a chore. The layout of the settlement feels too spread-out and looks a bit ugly.

But expanding the influence of the settlement is awesome—“pledging” to different territories and fulfilling quests for their leaders to gain their loyalty is a fun, immersive experience, and I like how this idea of large-scale conquest ties the narrative together. This game is a cohesive package, and I think this is due to the excellent alliance system.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is an enormous game with a lengthy campaign and tons of things to do. It’s not going to blow anyone away who’s familiar with the series, but amongst its peers, I think Valhalla is in the upper tier of the Assassin’s Creed hierarchy.

The post Assassin’s Creed Valhalla Review appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3f1aueO

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

0 notes

shinneth · 5 years ago

Text

Gem Ascension Tropes (Steven-specific: C - H)

Primary General Post ★ Full Article ★ Primary Peri Post ★ Primary Steven Post

Cannot Tell a Lie: Subverted; he manages to pull off a lie on a single occasion in Chapter 8 of Act II when he convinces Greg to let him into the ship (that he intends to steal to take off immediately to Homeworld) because wants to appreciate the interior that Peridot designed. Played straight otherwise.

Character Development: In the GA continuity, Steven’s habit of clinging to his pacifistic ways, stubbornly believing he can redeem anybody and prevent anyone from dying really impairs his ability to look at situations realistically. While ultimately, the Crystal Gems came out of the main series only directly killing one foe (White Pearl courtesy of Bismuth; a necessary evil in order to escape certain death while being trapped by White Diamond in a precarious pincer formation), the fact remains that Peridot’s words to Steven in Chapter 6 of Act I rang true in the end: Steven couldn’t save everybody. Despite Steven successfully getting Blue Diamond to see the light, she and the rest of the Diamonds ultimately perish by the end of Act III – each of them die due to circumstances beyond Steven’s control. Objectively, going out of his way to save Yellow or Blue would have only resulted in Crystal Gem casualties. Despite his efforts, White Diamond proved to be completely unreachable – Steven’s final peace offering to her backfired so hard, it easily would have killed everyone (himself included) if Peridot hadn’t neutralized the back-attack just in time. While the vast majority of Homeworld’s gems have been saved prior to their planet’s destruction, many are in limbo as a result of White’s pallification and are functionally dead until a cure is found. The gems that were forcibly fused together to create White Diamond proxies absolutely could not be saved no matter what, as even poofing them resulted in instant death. By Act III, it’s shown that Steven has at least accepted that there are times when sacrifices must be made in order to survive: in Chapter 7, he is helping Garnet and Moonstone dispatch the proxies. There is no other way to take them out without shattering them, but Steven doesn’t throw a fit over this; he knows they’re all on borrowed time as long as they’re still on Homeworld, and the fact that the proxies weren’t sent to Earth alongside the non-fused infected gem tells him they truly are beyond saving, and the best he really can do for these poor gems is to let his friends give them a mercy killing. Steven still doesn’t like it on principle, but over time he’s become more tolerant when a situation calls for drastic measures of this magnitude. Steven has also become more self-aware of the risks being a consummate pacifist carries, such as the high likelihood of his mercy (or hesitation) being “rewarded” by having one or more of his own friends killed. While he still goes out of his way to only forego his philosophy when it’s made clear that death or extreme violence is the only option to resolve a conflict (or if his pacifism truly would get one or more of his friends killed), Steven has gradually learned to be more realistic in his approach and expectations. He is by no means jaded from his many pacifism backfires, but incidents like being forced to abandon Peridot at the end of Act I – and especially Celadon Diamond nearly killing his father (while successfully killing Pumpkin) late in Act III to teach Steven that his actions have consequences – have really opened his eyes on how much harm his relentless desire for peace and befriending every enemy can inadvertently bring.

Peridot’s speech to Steven in Chapter 6 of Act I also leaves a lasting mark on him and how he perceives the world when these harsh lessons are verbally bashed into his head:

Shit happens. Sometimes you can prevent it, but more often than not, you just can’t.

Bad things happen to good people for no reason. It’s a leading cause in how good people can eventually turn bad. There’s no fate or destiny to situations like this, and they certainly can’t be directly controlled or prevented.

You can’t always have things your way all the time. Even when you selflessly want nothing but the best for everyone, there’s no guarantee it will ever happen the way you want it to.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and it’s important to know when to stop when said good intentions end up bringing more harm than good. Your solution will not always be the right solution.

Is it worth your friends’ lives to maintain your pacifistic approach to everything? Your moments of mercy could easily be exploited by a still-hostile enemy to kill a friend or yourself while your guard is down. What is more important: redeeming a villain and keeping your hands clean, or keeping your friend(s) alive? Sometimes, these are mutually exclusive results.

One day you will be forced to make a very hard choice that will upset at least one teammate. But you have to stand firmly by your decision, even if you are personally uncomfortable with it.

No matter what you do, you can’t save everybody every time. Believing you can is nothing short of delusional, and there are countless ways a relentless pursuit of this goal can backfire and end more lives than you’re ultimately saving.

Chekhov’s Skill: Late in Act II, Steven passively emits pink energy when he finally wakes up from his Angst Coma in Chapter 7. When Steven watches Peridot’s Video Will in the following chapter, he begins to notice details that aren’t apparent to the naked eye and can read a person’s true feelings by looking at them and listening to their words, even through a prerecording. Steven’s enhanced perceptivity makes the Crystal Gems realize there’s something odd about Peridot (which eventually leads to the discovery of her being an Unwitting Test Subject – knowledge they all benefit from having ahead of time before Act III). Towards the end of Act II, Steven has been honing his evolving powers with Garnet’s aid over the span of six days; Act III reveals Steven can now detect people from great distances with his aura abilities. This particular ability makes Steven aware that Chartreuse Diamond and Peridot are one and the same, allows him to heal Peridot’s fractured mental state, kickstarts his awakened form (Pink Diamond 2.0), helps Peridot evacuate all of Homeworld’s remaining gems before the planet’s destruction, and locate White Diamond’s proxies so that she can no longer hide and be directly confronted. And it can be safely assumed this skill played a role in Steven’s (as Pink 2.0) Epiphany Therapy with Peridot that not only fulfilled an ancient prophecy in Iridescent Diamond, but finally made Peridot able to fuse, as well as save all of the Crystal Gems from falling with the rapidly-decaying Homeworld.

The Conscience: Is this for the majority of the cast, most heavily emphasized with Peridot.

Damsel out of Distress: He and Connie were already in the process of escaping their prison thanks to Blue Diamond’s help by the time Lapis came across them to unite the team.

Death Glare: Gives Amethyst one after she complains about still having to wait for Peridot when he comes on board the ship at the end of Act I. She has no idea they’re about to leave Peridot behind at the time, but Steven’s too upset to give her any more of an explanation than this.

Deuteragonist: He is what largely drives the plot before properly appearing in the story in Chapter 5 of Act I, being Peridot’s primary motivation. After being rescued, Peridot’s Heroic Sacrifice is meant to save him from White Diamond, although that ends up making her a Hostage MacGuffin meant to lure Steven back to Homeworld. That, in turn, just makes Steven’s role from that point onward all the more significant – now in a more direct way. He basically co-stars with Peridot in every post-GA story to date, as well.

Didn’t Think This Through: While Steven’s snap decision to return to Homeworld by himself in Chapter 8 of Act II was overall an idiotic thing to do and impulsive as hell, the biggest aspect of his overall stupidity with this trope is Steven completely forgetting that he doesn’t know how to operate a spaceship.

Discontinuity Nod: In the final chapter of Act III, Steven tells White Diamond he can imagine a scenario where everyone came to a peaceful agreement, Yellow and Blue Diamond never had to die, and all of the Diamonds could visit Beach City to experience what Pink Diamond had with Earth. This is in reference to the events of Change Your Mind, where this literally happens.

Do You Trust Me?: Asks Chartreuse Diamond this near verbatim as she despairs over the mistakes she’s made. Much to Steven’s relief, she assures him she does so more than anyone else – that much hadn’t changed since her early redemption arc as Peridot.

The Empath: Per canon, and his powers continue to evolve as of Act II.

Empathetic Healer: Somewhat. While learning how to heal a mentally-fractured Peridot, he reads her memories and becomes traumatized and Blinded by Rage from the Gory Discretion Shot he witnesses – said scene happens to be the cause of Peridot’s condition.

Emotional Maturity is Physical Maturity: Per canon, and plays into his Plot-Relevant Age-Up that happens in Chapter 4 of Act III. Inner turmoil stemming from being Forced to Watch his Love Interest getting a gruesome Slashed Throat in an endless loop induces so much Sanity Slippage that Steven himself is mentally fractured (ironically, right after healing Peridot from a very similar condition). It triggers a Battle in the Center of the Mind, which is what ultimately matures Steven emotionally to such a level that it permanently changes his form.

Energy Donation: Grants this at the request of a defeated White Diamond towards the end of Act III.

First Kiss: Has his with Peridot in Chapter 5 of Act I.

Forced to Watch: The gruesome (albeit fake, which he was informed of ahead of time) scene of Peridot’s neck getting lacerated by a giant energy blade, leaving A Bloody Mess (albeit with fake Alien Blood) and a dead-eyed Love Interest – while short in length – is so traumatizing for Steven to watch, it begins to loop endlessly in his head; not even closing his eyes will shield his vision from the horrific scene. After enduring this for quite some time, this leads to Sanity Slippage.

Funbag Airbag: In Act III, he has a bit of a habit of burying his face into Peridot’s chest. This is a gag that carries on through the post-GA stories.

Functional Genre-Savvy: Proves to be this in This is Who I Am Chapter 5 after the “Dark” Peridot (aka 5XG) explains how their full selves have been split into light and dark halves and are pitted against each other.

Steven: “5XG, the whole… splitting a person to make a dark half and a light half thing… it’s been done so many times. That’s basically what’s going on here, according to you. But the way this is supposed to go is that the dark and light halves fight, and whoever wins gets to dominate the whole person’s body. So… why are we paired off like this? I don’t get it. You should be facing off Peri, right?”

Humble Hero: Per canon. Somewhat subverted, as he says he’s never comfortable with anyone giving him overt praise as Steven feels every time he’s being given more than he deserves… except when Peridot praises him. Knowing how she always speaks from the heart, Steven will accept her praise without complaint.

Half-Human Hybrid

Healing Hands: Per canon, Steven’s Super Spit has healing properties and his tears can revive the dead (provided they aren’t Deader than Dead).

The Heart: Per canon. Best represented in Act II when all of the Crystal Gems, who spend most of a day apart doing their own thing, all come together by the end of it and overcome their own reservations about watching their designated Video Wills by Peridot so they can collaborate on a project to snap Steven out of his funk induced from the events near the end of Act I.

Honor Before Reason: Per canon, Steven is all about doing the right thing. Even if it’s a detriment or even a threat to his loved ones. And yes, several of his teammates take issue with his embodiment of this trope, including Peridot.

Hormone-Addled Teenager: More prevalent in the post-GA stories, but this is an ongoing struggle Steven has to endure after his Plot-Relevant Age-Up in Act III. Still very downplayed even after GA, and Peridot’s honestly no better than Steven in this regard (and she can’t even use this trope to justify her behavior).

0 notes

wendyimmiller · 5 years ago

Text

A Spring for the Ages; Endurance, Rainfall, Beauty, Raw Nerves, Blind Panic, and Two Cases of the Bends

Yeah, that’s about describes my Spring. Yours?

It all started with a misguided nod to appear on our Township’s Garden Tour. Did this sometime last Winter. I’d been drinking. When our garden didn’t appear on the first draft of the flyer, did I take it as a sign? Nope. A smart person would have laid low and slipped out of that commitment like it was a time share they’d been sold, but not me. Being the same impaired idiot who had agreed to the idea in the first place, I reminded the Township.

The best image I could find of my garden in March.

The second prettiest March pic of my garden.

3 of 3 of March photos. Sea of mud. Just enough life emerging to keep one from hijacking a bus.

Our garden had been on the tour several years ago but the intervening years have had their share of drama with the most carefree and joyous parts of our lives and all but the most basic of garden maintenance finding themselves shoved to the side like a road killed raccoon in the path of a snowplow. But, you know hope springs eternal. It was a new year, a different time, and I told myself, “Hey, this will be fun. And it will motivate you to make some of those improvements you’ve been thinking about.” Yep. That’s what I told myself.

Sloppy selfie.

Of course, it did do that. Just like it almost killed me. For whatever delusional reason, I failed to factor into the decision-making process that my life would remain just the same as it’s always been—a lurching, noisy, rickety, breathlessly busy, confused and confusing, poorly conceived extended round of experimental performance art liberally embellished with unpleasant surprises at inopportune moments. Somehow, I had forgotten that.

Spring comes in increments, and little things sometimes distract you momentarily from the overall ugliness and all the work that must be done.

Meh. Ugh.

And there is nothing like a looming garden tour to sober you right up real fast. First walk-through after you’ve agreed to such a thing and, bam, there you are–clear-eyed, stammering, and horrified, seeing your garden from the viewpoint of carloads of judgmental strangers. Make this walk-through like I did in March–that most hopelessly depressing, mercilessly ugly, butthole-with-a disease month of the year–and it’s the horticultural equivalent to waking up with some person you hooked up with at a dive bar deep into the early morning hours of the previous night. So you do the only things that come to mind. First you drink. Then you cry. Finally, you beseech the Almighty for an asteroid to come screaming out of the sky and smash all your years of bad ideas, lousy plant choices, inexplicable design decisions, ill-advised gardening practices, plastic containers, fake flamingos, and scuzzy gazing balls into tiny burning fragments that all fall on top of your neighbor’s boat.

Well, okay.

And a late night of work rewarded by a decent scene in the fading light.

But you know from long experience that God has a very spotty record of answering your prayers and that your luck isn’t good enough to guide a comet in on its own, so you do the only thing you can: you go outside and garden like hell. Like some nervous dervish all ramped up on speed. Rinse and repeat, you’re doing this from mid-March to May 19th, every night after work until it’s too dark to tell garlic mustard from poison ivy and every weekend from the crack of dawn to long after dark. Dehydrated most of the time, of course. And you have to fit this in and around record rainfall, a pair of weekend trips you’d committed to previously, and a bunch of appointments and presentations that wind up eating 15 weeknights and about six weekend days.

Neither aminal was much help. Martin, The Heart of Darkness, just distracted us with his constant plotting of our doom.

And Zaku, the blind old dog, kept himself busy by walking on every perennial just as it went into bloom.

I won’t go into every gory detail about every dumb mistake, disturbing discovery, and newfound deep disappointment, but I will tell you, as an example, about removing my old nursery hoop house. It had stood for years, looming, rusting, and listing prominently in the background of every otherwise scenic garden view and photograph. It had to go and it did. Big job. Cut my hands repeatedly on unseen metal burs, but, except for having to pull old landscape fabric from under Pompeii-like strata of soil, it fought its demise with a little less resistance than expected.

The old hoop house/ship wreck had earned its place in the next life.

I thought I’d experience an emotional moment at its loss. I’d learned a lot growing plants back there, reared loads and loads of rare and favorite plant material, some of which bought favor and friends when I shared them with gardeners and horticulturists I admired. And, in fact, I was overwhelmed with an emotion when it was gone. Pure euphoria. I had no idea how much I’d come to hate that thing. It’s removal felt better than playing hooky.

Of course, the best time to return to veggie gardening after a 27 year hiatus is in the middle of the rushiest spring rush that ever lived.

But that joy was not long for this world. Not when I was confronted by that big blank weedy place where the hoop house had lived. Not as ugly as it had been, but still ugly enough to give carloads of judgmental garden tour strangers a lot to talk about. So I laid waste to the weeds and built raised beds for vegetables, doing my damnedest to make them look better than almost all of those other raised beds for vegetables I’ve seen. Several trips to Home Depot for wood and hardware, truckloads of soil harrowingly wheel-barrowed along a bumpy and narrow path around the swimming pool, and a last-minute scattering of straw in the paths, and, son of a…, it actually looked just like I’d hoped: not quite as ugly as those other vegetable beds I’ve seen.

More night gardening yields an okay shot with a Pixel II. Great camera. Terrible phone.

After about half a dozen big projects like this and hundreds of little ones, we were about two weeks out from the tour and I started feeling a little better. You might even say confident. Perhaps a bit cocky. May had come, things had greened up, and all the plants I’d forgotten I had were reappearing, covering ground, screening ugliness, and some even went into bloom.

The mossy step project. A slippery slope of grassy mud that spilled down into the backyard was deemed too hazardous for old people, so old railroad ties from the hoop house were re-purposed into stairs. Only the last one was too high, so a mossy step was conceived and somewhat successfully executed, but it was one of many time-consuming ad hoc projects, and proved in the end almost as slippery as the grassy mud.

Heady in this moment, I heard these words leave my mouth, cross through air, and go into my son’s ears, “Hey, why don’t you have your (upcoming) wedding in our garden?” Whoa. I knew my mistake immediately and wanted nothing more than to suck those words right back out of the universe and into my chest, but, alas, they’d been said. And they’d been heard. And Tom seemed excited by the idea.

Despite record rainfall, plant life somehow still emerged itself out of March’s primordial ooze.

He and his fiancee had been planning their June 1st wedding as a guerrilla ceremony, to be held surreptitiously at a small, backwater Cincinnati Park that overlooked the river. This way they could avoid notifying the park district, the associated bureaucracy, and the rental payment. While we all thought looking out for the cops would lend a certain urgent element of adventure to the event, but it also meant parking would be difficult and conditions for our older loved ones could prove life-threatening if the rain didn’t let up and the grass didn’t get cut.

The open little glade that seemed just right for a wedding.

A fawn found in the garden the morning of the wedding was perceived as a sign of fertility.

Long story short, we hosted the wedding, and it’s mind-blowing the vast amount of space that exists between “garden tour worthy” and “wedding ready.” May 19th to June 1st, there I was again, out in the yard, gardening like a mofo. Literally, and I mean literally, 3:15 PM day of the wedding, guests in the yard, and I’m dashing between them, head to foot in filth, trying to get inside for a quick shower in time for the 4:00 PM start.

Mother and son the day before.

But, gotta tell you, weeks of rain and gray skies opened up that afternoon to a glorious blue sky with billowing white clouds that towered like mountains in the sun. And, the wedding was perfect! A sweet, happy, beautiful couple, lovely self-written vows, pretty bridesmaids, and, hell, even the groomsmen looked good enough in their tuxes and all lined up in a row. And the garden? Well, it was far from perfect, but it strutted its stuff knowing it had never ever looked better. It made a splendid backdrop for the wedding and the photos.

The happy bride and her loving father. Laying that runner with filthy hands was the last job I did.

The ceremony,and a hodgepodge of anything I could buy in bloom and stuff into the bed in the foreground. Background held down by big leaf magnolias.

Afterwards, we all adjourned to the Irish Heritage Center for a night of delirious fun and celebration.

Michele and I, partying like people a fraction of our ages and having the time of our lives!

Back home, joyous, exhausted, and plunging straight into illness.

Next day, with all that we could do done, my wife Michele and I both woke up sick as can be. She had a sore throat and congestion. I had full-on aches and pains. No matter the symptoms, I knew we both had the bends because we had decompressed too hard.

Never was any good at container design, but this year I raised my game a little.

Now, still a little buzzed on this meager success, I’m already thinking about signing up for next year’s garden tour. It seems I just have this need for high-stakes, stress, and tales of adventure with happy endings And I’ve never been any good at learning from my mistakes.

In almost 40 years together, I’ve never seen her so beautiful.

A Spring for the Ages; Endurance, Rainfall, Beauty, Raw Nerves, Blind Panic, and Two Cases of the Bends originally appeared on GardenRant on June 18, 2019.

from Gardening https://www.gardenrant.com/2019/06/a-spring-for-the-ages-endurance-rainfall-beauty-raw-nerves-blind-panic-and-two-cases-of-the-bends.html via http://www.rssmix.com/

0 notes

turfandlawncare · 5 years ago