#like mads Loved macy she loved that character and if they had just listened to her maybe things could have been different

[bria-doublen-a]

Book Review: Love & Other Words

Non Spoiler Section

This book was such a breeze! It only took me two days to finish this and if I didn’t have to work, I probably could’ve done it all in one sitting. With almost zero drama, this was such an easy read and the perfect palette cleanser for anyone who needs one. So, if you’re into a lot of angst and character turmoil, you won’t find that here.

This is a second chance romance centered around Macy and Elliot, who grew up together and learned how to love in every sense of the word. We jump back and forth from past to present in alternating chapters, but the way the story is told is seamless. This is going to make you laugh and cry, but mostly just laugh. Still, I’d have those tissues ready.

Prepare to fall in love with fictional characters, virtually losing hope in all real life human beings.

Spoiler Section

Okay. The first thing I want to address here is Sean. Can we talk about him for a second? Let me tell you how annoyed I was when Macy introduced us to Sean, who for all intents and purposes is a generally decent guy, and then we immediately run into Elliot. I was like, great. Another boring love triangle with two jealous, foaming-at-the-mouth dudes fighting over the trophy, aka the pretty girl. But I was genuinely surprised and relieved when Macy pretty much right away brought Elliot up in conversation with Sean and he just listened.

Sean was so understanding and not at all dismissive or rude about it. He gave Macy the freedom to actively search for closure and it just made him so likeable. Maybe Sean and Macy don’t belong together, but there definitely needs to be more Seans out there in the world.

And when Macy finally decided to end things, he was so gracious about the whole thing! I realize that real life breakups, the ones where people actually bear more than a general fondness of the other, can be messier and more painful. But to me, it just shows how people are capable of being mature and actively listening to their partner and how they’re feeling. Like I said, Macy and Sean are far from what I expect from a power couple, but I got MAD respect for my boy Sean. Thank you for not being the brutish dick I expected you to be.

Okay, moving on. Watching Macy and Elliot grow up in Healdsburg was the absolute cutest. I love their exchanges of favorite words, I love how uncool they are together and love how experimental they were with each other. That first kiss between them in the kitchen where Elliot stuck his finger in her mouth and she said he tasted like jelly?? I was so warm and fuzzy and yet cracking up at the same time!

The sexual tension between them was honestly so romantic and cute, and honestly just genuinely refreshing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a good spicy book or whatever, but I also think that sex doesn’t always have to be hot and heavy. It can be light and feathery and just plain cute. Which is exactly how I’d summarize Macy’s and Elliot’s relationship.

That being said, knowing everything we know about Elliot; he’s honest, dorky (and a little derpy too) and incredibly responsible...got wasted on New Year’s Eve and had sex with Emma??? AFTER drunk calling Macy and proposing over the phone?!?!?! Not gonna lie, that phone call was so adorable and I totally get Macy’s hesitation with her Dad watching her. But what the hell, Elliot???

I know he explained. And to be honest, that’s the only explanation I’d take to actually believe that he’s capable of doing something like that. But it’s still cheating. And thinking of that line he had at his brother’s wedding where he asked Macy why she left him...like bruh. Isn’t obvious? You had sex with another girl. That’s a valid reason, my dude. Maybe the 11 year cold shoulder was a little extra, but there are plenty of couples who break up after infidelity and I don’t blame them.

But one thing I will say about Elliot, is I love how he’s kind of grown out of Macy’s habit of shutting down. We know that she is and will always be his only love. But he won’t stand for her keeping him at arm’s length. Whenever he wants to dive below surface level, Macy short circuits. But when they’re in the gardens and he’s waiting for Macy to give her side of the story and she just won’t. He just walks away, and honestly, good for him. Not that I have any problems with Macy, but I love that Elliot is willing to never love again, because we know it’s either Macy or no one for him at this point. And if she can’t communicate openly the same way that he does with her, then what kind of relationship could they even have?

And then we have Macy’s breakdown and oh. my. god. I was sobbing, but I knew this was a turning point for her. She finally stepped foot in the vacation home, which she’d avoided like the plague until now. She faced those horrible skeletons hiding in her closet. Because, let’s be real. When Mom was diagnosed, she had time to prepare her daughter. She gave her letters for her to reference as she grew up and those letters became a momento for Macy. Something she could look back on and remember that her mom always loved her. But Duncan never had that luxury. He was taken. Unexpectedly.

Having lost a parent myself, I know what it’s like to have unfinished business. To truly believe you’re at fault for something you’ll never get an opportunity to fix. And suddenly, Macy’s Berlin Wall made absolute sense. It’s there to protect her from harm. But something I’m learning in my grief, is that when you try to protect yourself from pain, you shield yourself from all the other great feelings too. And who better to teach this lesson than Elliot Petropoulos?

Elliot swoops in, carries our girl and we finally get the full story. It’s ugly. It’s painful. It’s jagged and raw. But it’s laid bare and now they can navigate past it.

We knew from the beginning that Macy and Elliot were going to have a happy ending. But I can’t think of a couple more deserving. What a wonderfully joyous and emotional ride. I’ll carry these moments with me for a while, I think.

So, now I’ve got a really important question for you all. What’s your favorite word?

[phoebehalliwell]

i'm anxious to see what this new addition to the casting of the charmed reboot will mean for the dynamic of the sisters. i hope they're not doing another oops turns out ya'll had another half sister you didn't know about because with all due respect to lucy barnett if the writers wanted to "replace" macy their best choice would be mareya salazar who played thei girls's cousin and is already a witch

not to mention her story as a trans woman and her struggles with awakening her powers plus reconciling her gender identity with the fact that in her family all witches were cis women historically was a touching one. idk about anyone else but i got attached to joséfina. i wanted to see more of her especially after her powers awakened and felt she could be more than just the cousin they call upon when the situation looks a little too bleak AND the magic joséfina uses saved their asses a bunch of times already even when her powers hadn't fully awakened, she brought a fresh way of thinking of magic, new ideas and i could see a bond forming between her and the sisters. idk who lucy barnett will play but i for one hope the connection won't be a familial one. season 4 should be about grieving macy and the sisters figuring out their dynamic without her not throwing a stranger into the mix and playing happy family

fr like. like they So lucked out with josefina entering the plot at just the right time it was like the same luck that like. patty had an affair with her whitelighter in s2 like. literally it could have been perfect but instead they said no??? and it's like. macy already Was the long lost sister. and they really worked magic making that story compelling for both marisol and macy what with macy being stillborn and marisol using dark magic to revive her, the coat being that she could never see her daughter like. well i mean they already kind of ruined that eliminating macy's demon side. but like. that's an insanely valid reason to give up your daughter. but if we do Another long lost half sister that literally makes 2 out of 4 marisol kids abandoned idk how you're gonna swing that. and like. idk it bugged me in the first season that macy was the "half" sister (technically speaking she's not but she was still the one raised apart) bc like. there's like. there's a lot that needs to be sorted in that dynamic but they really didn't in my opinion dedicate that much time to how long it would take to actually feel like sisters like in the og they had piper be really adamant kind of against it which i loved and then they kind of glossed it over because it was s4 and you could get away with that in the reboot it was smoothed over really how quickly the girls became sisters and i didn't like it!!! i wanted more just there between the characters smaller little things like um. that episode with the a cappella group or whatever that was a good episode i wish they would have done that more but unfortunately they just like. they stopped the apocalypse too fast imo like the source was done in 1 season like bro u could have gotten so more mileage and left so much more room for bonding in between!!! but now. now we're bringing in another half sister (presumably. i think the show runners said that they might be doing something that we like ~won't see coming~ but if she's not a sister by blood then that's worse bc that means we literally could have had josefina)

but no. bc like. we're getting another half sister and it's just gonna be like. like what they did with macy same song different verse & i don't like that bc like. that was already macy's bit!! and it's just like. like she's getting overwritten.

and josefina was already such a perfect option bc she literally already lived with them her power is sick as fuck she's literally helping mel write the new book of shadows??? i would Love to see her tap into the power of three i think that'd be beautiful and she's already proven to be an insanely strong witch even before she gained an active power like well for starters a) she's bringing in brujeria which is totally breathing fresh life into this show it was Always bugged me how kind of boring their spells were a tvdu esqe yell a word in latin thing simply does not have the flavor a.0) there are now rhyming couplets and i Love a good rhyming couplet but b) she literally wrote a spell that was able to restrain the perfecti??? right?? i'm 99% sure that rope/knot spell was a josefina original. that And she's already a super compelling character she has depth she has flaws but above all she has the really kind spirit that scene when she released them from the vines so they could undo the whatever egg type thing even though she thought that meant losing her powers?? and she was like mel why didn't you melt the vines (which like. vines do not melt. they catch fire. but that's beside the point) and mel was like bc i knew you'd make the right decision i didn't want to force your hand you had to choose like. that could be some po3 shit right here. also josefina already knew macy!! that makes it so much more interesting.

idk, i've seen rumors that long lost sister 2.0 is actually ray's daughter, which would give a bloodline connection, and then we're just assuming ray hella has a type + it's magical women but like. idk. josefina was Right There. and she would have made a great series lead like a trans woman as the lead on a tv show that isn't just a show about being trans no it's a show about being a kickass witch like that could have been. it could have been so good. i'm worried that since they like. rolled out a big ole goodbye parade for macy that we might not get any really good mourning episodes like hell hath no fury or brain drain. maggie seems to be teed up for that plotline, so i hope we do, but i will say: future!mel saying don't worry the future is so good and you're gonna love it it's better than you can imagine Right After macy died??? girl read the room. so idk. i'm still probably gonna watch s4 just bc i will say i'm very invested in jordan, especially whatever whitelighter transformation he seems to be going through but like. oh my godddddd i hate harry i cannot take this shit anymore i didn't really like him that much in s1 but now i would do anything to get s1 harry back i am So Unwilling to go on his manpain journey especially after the writers said that macy's death was obviously the hardest for him as if the girls didn't lose their Sister like. ughhhhhh i do not want harry there!!!

[ectora]

Review episode 312

It’s weird because I enjoyed the episode but most of my comments are actually criticism so bare with me 😂

Overall it was a nice episode to watch. The acting was on point especially for Sarah and Poppy imo they carried this episode but also probably cause they’re the one with the most compelling stories on this one. The episode kinda felt like a filler but honestly that’s because the show is focusing too much on the allergy and we know that’s not gonna be fixed til the end so as long as they make that the main story of the sisters, most episodes are gonna feel like fillers when it comes to them. Macy and Maggie had their own little adventure with a ghost which was funny (again kudo to Sarah), Harry and Mel went on a quest for a soul tho we still have no clue what it actually meant and Abigael was going through her own little traumatic hell in the tomb (Poppy really has been particularly slaying this storyline acting wise ).

Screen time

Abigael: 6m11s

Macy: 17m24s

Mel: 11m15s

Maggie: 18m24s

Harry: 11m03s

What I liked

Maggie still got the internship and I’m glad back she deserved it. I really don’t dislike Antonio but I’m also glad they kinda made it clear she wasn’t interested and that she finally made progress with her feelings for Jordan.

Abigael. I liked it because it gave us more insight on Abigael’s past (tho I still think they should have given us this earlier). I always theorised that from her childhood, she was obviously scared from the fact her mom never really accepted her demon side which created her deep feeling of rejection and how she was never accepted and never belonged. But I also thought she had some kind of loving family. Like to me these two things were not necessarily contradictory. Well apparently not. Her mom straight out abused her during her childhood. Which definitely explain why she choose the demon side like that. Both her parents were terrible to them but as she said in the past, at least she can understand demon a little but. She can rationalise it base on their nature. When it came from her mom however, it came fully from a place of dislike which must have been very harmful on a child. So obviously when I say I like it I don’t mean I like what her mom did to her, but I really like the insight and explanation. And again, Poppy did an amazing job. She made Abigael feel so vulnerable and scared, and confirmed that, ultimately what Abigael always wanted was acceptance. Which she first needs to give to herself.

Marisol and Macy sharing a scene. I have my issues with how it went which I’ll come to later. But I’m glad it existed and Mads really showed great emotions.

That was a short list because if I did enjoy the episode and there was some highlights I’ll talk about later, I also can’t really pintpoint things I loved.

What I disliked

Harry’s story. I just really don’t like how they make it all about the relationship when it could be so much deeper than that. I also am not sure I like the length to which he’s ready to go for it. Like the entire soul donation is a bit weird to me.

Marisol and Macy. Listen that one made me angry. Maybe it wouldn’t have if Macy actually had other stuff going on than her relationship with Harry but with the way the show has been writing her mostly around her relationship with Harry, it really didn’t come across well to me. The fact we had for the first time a in present tense scene between Macy and Marisol and all they talked about a man has me fuming. Maybe if they had had a longer time to talk. But they had like two minutes and most of it was about men.

The sisters. I don’t like the fact Mel wasn’t there when they were going to connect with their mom. I feel like that should have been a story kept for all three of them. I’m also annoyed that they once again refused to give us some Mel and Macy. I would have liked to see them a bit. Once again that sisterly bond feels like it’s non existent.

Melby. I cannot believe anyone would actually look at them and think yes that’s good. The treatment is absolutely terrible. The buildup was bad - because it was supposed to last - and the fact it’s all off screen is absolutely terrible. Ruby has been in three episode this season. One of them she didn’t actually share a scene with Ruby. The second episode they were full of drama and jealousy and they were so easily breaking up. And suddenly we jump to the I love yous. And were supposed to find that cute ? Like what are we supposed to think they love about each other? The constant breaking ups ? Cause that’s the most consistent thing about them. It kinda feels cheap in the way it’s done ngl.

What doesn’t make sense

Why was Jordan in the description ? I feel they’re kinda trying to avoid putting Abi’s name in the summaries (or at least it feels like it) but like .... Jordan had not reason to even be talked about. He didn’t appear once. It should have been Abi’s name in there.

The pills falling from the pocket Like ... Harry you had literally one job. How exactly did they fall ??

Why did they seem lost until their realised Jordy was a descendant and they could use his soul. Did I miss something saying it needed to be a male descendant ? Cause like ... Gil (Jil ? Idk) was literally right there. (Nevermind apparently I missed them saying « male descendent » my bad dkdjd

How did abi know she was in the tomb. Like I know my girl is smart but like ... she has basically no contact with the sisters at this point so how on earth did she learn how the tomb works and what happens inside ??

Highlights

The hammer. Listen, don’t ask me why but this picture of abi has been sending me for weeks now and I’ve been wondering the context since I’ve seen it. Like it gives me the biggest dumb bitch energy ever. The fact that abi is a very smart person and just thought a hammer would get her out of the tomb just has me laughing like it’s just too funny to me 😭

“The British hot lady” Swan I understand You

The way Maggie calls for Abi and gets into her apartment. I don’t know why I just love it.

Macy trying to lie to Antonio. Macy’s face when she lies is always a delight.

No but do any of these older generations know what not having an affair even mean? But I mean like father like son I guess.

« Who footnotes a spell » Macy’s face was so funny 😭 she was so done with it.

Theories

Not gonna lie. I’m a bit scare about next episode. I think it might be really interesting but also I’m very scare of the execution especially when it comes to Abigael and Macy. I do believe Macy has valid to distrust Abigael. However the show has been terrible at portraying those. And ultimately, especially lately, the sisters and Abigael have barely crossed paths. They’re barely in each other’s lives. All the do is coexist in the same city and interact when demons are involved which isn’t really the case. So right now all abi is doing is keeping the demons in lines. So I’m scared that Macy’s rightful dislike and distrust is almost gonna come across as pettiness or jealousy. But I also think that there is a difference between not trusting Abigael and say she deserves to be in the tomb. Cause at the end of the day past episode 4 what has she really done so terrible that deserves eternal suffering/delusion or whatever the tomb actually does. She’s manipulative and self serving sure but she also helps more than anything. The sisters have actually nothing to win have having Abigael stuck in there. And more to lose.

One theory is that the perfecti are trying to isolate the sisters. Putting abi and Jordan in the tomb is separating them from their allies and helping Harry to lose his powers is taking their guidance/healer away from them.

Another is just that really just have a very strict black and white vision and Abigael being a demon and Jordan helping them makes them automatically in the black category. Which the title seems to be referring to so it’s probably this.

I think the upcoming episode might be a way to introduce the whole controversy around Macy’s demon powers. And slowly bringing up the story of Abigael giving them back to her.

I think it also might be a way to actually have the show approach the wrongs Abigael did in the show. But also the rights. After all, it seems like they’ll need to prove she doesn’t deserve to be in it. Which I personally don’t think she does. Though she definitely did wrong things in her life. So I think they might actually use this as an occasion to have the sisters talk about what she did do that was wrong. And hopefully also highlight that she did help them on multiple occasions.

With the “previously in charmed” it makes it feel like they’re still going with Maggie not knowing Jordan can actually touch her and this doesn’t stop confusing me. But I can see the show have them hug once he’s out of the tomb and then kinda admit their feelings finally and Jordan say something in the lines that he kept it from her because he didn’t want to put pressure on her or that him being able to touch her didn’t change the fact she wanted to focus on herself or something on those lines.

One thing I want to talk about is Abigael. Please don’t read this paragraph if you haven’t heard about the rumours going around. //// The fact is, there is a very strong change Poppy is leaving the show. And the way they made this episode made it very clear Abigael was abused as a child. But that she is also absolutely craving love and acceptance. And that she does love her mom and always wanted her love. I’m very scared that if they make Abigael leave (better than die) they’d make her go back to her sister and family and try to fix their relationship. Which would absolutely be terrible message to give as we literally know now that she was abused. And making a character go back to their abusers because of the trauma it caused (her fear of rejection and inability to actually accept herself) would just be disgusting. But I’m scared that’s the road they’re gonna take.

[thoughtfulpaperback]

CHARMED 03X09 REVIEW SPOILERS!!!!!

Am I the only one who thought that the breaking of Jordan's Curse was weak as heck? I'll go into further detail about why I didn't care much for it but I feel that it is the main reason I am giving this episode a 7/10. It was solid as far as entertainment goes, but it wasn't as exciting to me as some past episodes have been.

Anyways I guess I will continue on to the dislikes now.

DISLIKES

1) The end of Jordan's curse

Okay y'all, I get the poeticness of jordan being released from his curse by convincing a projection of Florence with his whole the past can't be changed and I am not going to be a violent person/I'm different. My whole issue with this is that the whole curse said you had to balance the scales of justice and that was kinda of exciting to think about how the show was going to go that route and what it might mean as far as tasks go.

This was a decidedly weak way to end a potentially exciting curse. Because the curse wasn't actually "broken" Jordan was released from it.

And on that note, I also have issues with that logic. So the spell was just a simple containment gone wrong because of Jordan's curse....so why was Florence real in it?. Like it is technically trapping then in thier heads in a way. You telling me that Florence's spirit just hangs around in Jordan's mind?

Well since the curse made the spell go haywire that's why Florence was there.....

Okay so this curse can bring back the dead in your mind?

Its magic its fine however they try to explain it. I just wish they'd (the writers) would put more effort into making it make sense in the show. Not in the Q&A section of thier social media pages/interviews.

I am honestly getting tired of having to be Sherlock Holmes all the time and me having to discuss and question on go back to previous episodes to figure out how what they did makes sense in canon. It's exhausting.

And listen, I know that people might see this as negativity, but in the spirit of the episodes message, am I saying it. The writing does not need to be exceptional, but it shouldn't be lazy.

The audience shouldn't have to put in all the work to figure out what's going on. It be one thing if we trying to solve a mystery or speculate on where the show is going , but in general solutions to problems should make sense and be connected to what you've already set up. They spent so much build up on the idea of this curse and the price of "balancing the scales of justice" to have the curse ended all in a simple spell gone wrong narrative. Again, if they felt it was the best to have Jordan released from his cure rather than "break it" thats cool but not in a containment spell gone wrong. I personally didn't need an action scene or anything, but maybe in a spell/plotline actually related directly to the curse. It just came off as an easy out for the writers.

2) Introducing Josefina as a possible recurring character.

Don't hate! I love Josefina as a character and would love to see more of her......but this plate is already full. I have felt it a lot this season, but felt it was a nit pick not worth mentioning because I didn't expect it to get worse, but I am just going to say it.

Every episode has like three or so storylines. And while I dont mind them when they are all equally interesting and feel not too split, I feel that sometimes its too seperate and dis jointed. Its too much time apart and not enough together time. The more character they have introduced the more they have split the stories and I just would prefer that we'd see more together time than separated.

That's kind of what I complained about season two. That it was too much of everyone doing thier own thing that it felt off.

Thats said all I mean is that either they need to figure out how to write in a less disjointed way or to drop some characters. Which would be sad since they have spent a lot of time in the two recurring characters (Jordan and Abby) they already have.

I dont know exactly where they are going with Josefina or if she is going to be as recurring as Jordan and abby or if its more like a few episodes or just one more.

I would like to see more, but I dont trust the writers.....I feel like I say that a lot and that's sad.

LIKES

1) issue of the episode: Exceptionality

I have nothing to say other than thank God someone said it. It's exhausting being pressured into being a "model minority".

2) Josefina

Love the idea of the character and getting to learn more about Marisol and her side of the family.

Also like the idea of witch training. We never actually got to see the PO3 Learn about magic and study magic all that much. Even on season 1 a big issue I had was that they never really put as much effort into showing how the ladies are going about learning and training to fight demons/evil. The training orb was a simple way to do so but we didn't get to see very much of it. It was all mostly assumed off screen.

3) Language issues

I like that they brought up (briefly) the whole language issue in the Latinx community. So I assume most of us know it but ill just go through it a bit.

There are many different voices in the community and there are some that believe that the language (Spanish and/or other native or native based jargon) are essential to the experience. Some go as far as to say you can't really consider yourself latinx if you dont speak Spanish.

Which is bonkers in my mind because (as in episode with Maggie) latinx people face similar issues based on thier appearance and last name whether or not they speak Spanish. There are many latinx people who do not speak Spanish and yet it is assumed they do.

No being raised in a Spanish speaking (or other native language) household does open you up to different experiences (language erasure, ESL school experiences, etc) those aren't soley latinx and shouldn't be a "admissions" requirement.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

Macy letting Harry go to Abby alone (I am to be that secure that Abby aint gonna try it)

Maggie mad that Antonio swooped in because he speaks Spanish - that ain't his fault take notes.

Jordan-sorry-it-was-instinct-I-wanted-to-protect-you-Chase

Brujeria wasn't stigmatized until the colonizers

"Stay for that whiskey"

Scorpions

[fundielicious-simblr]

1, 12 about the Alan & Cassandra branch of the Collins family tree, 17 about Adalynn, 27, and 29

As usual, it gets longer than i anticipated, so more after the cut!

[1] Favourite Character?

If I had to pick a fundie character, I'd probably pick Adalynn. I'm definitely more attached to gen 3 than to gen 2 right now, and she's one of the characters whose lives I've truly fleshed out and who I almost think of as a real person.

[12] How judgy is Allan & Casandra & their family? Will they outright criticize and get mad at less fundie family members, or do they leave them be?

Oo these 2 are in my mind a mix of both JB&M and G&KJ, but more like the Bates parents - they love all their children, but the children who are still fundie as hell will have an easier time than those who have deviated in obvious ways. For example, they're probably closest to Adalynn and Barrett's families as they're the ones who have had the most children. In comparison to their relationships with Maggie, they love each other, but they definitely have to lean into their beliefs that the husband chooses how the family is run and therefore can't outright criticise Maggie for how she lives her life - they're just happy that they're still conservative christians and not heathen liberals 😂 The pants wearing and number of children is definitely a point that they've realised that is something that depends on the couples, so they're simply happy that their kids.

The children's relationships depend on the relationships they have with each other, Adalynn and Macie are like mothers to their siblings and just want happiness for them, but Macie is the more judgemental one out of the two that still drink the kool aid. Barrett is definitely the most fundie out of the boys and will be more critical of people's choices, but good old Kyleigh is there to remind him that thats none of their business as long as they're following God. Zoe also has that motherly bond with her siblings, and since marrying and moving away has been moulding her own beliefs, so she doesn't judge as long as they don't stray too far to the left, so to speak. From Maggie down to Amira (with the exception of beckett the mega fundie) are definitely non judgemental as they're currently labelled as fundie lite or conservative christians. In my head Priscilla is that sibling that is very judgemental because she thinks she's better than everyone else, so she's judged her siblings (especially Maggie) for any slight deviation to what their parents taught. The final 4 aren't married, so they're stuck listening to what their parents say on the matter.

[17] Can you share a surprising/not-fun fact about Adalynn?

One non-fun fact about Adalynn is that she virtually raised the last 3 kids, from the moment they were born until she left the house she was responsible for Charles, Parker, and Ashton. In fact, the baby bassinet stayed in the girls room rather than in Allan and Casandra’s, so that Adalynn could wake up with the baby whenever they needed help.

[27] How many descendants would your gen 1 couple have is this was real life?

So, the maths tells me that after 3 complete generations, with each generation lasting 25 years, with an average of 9 children: Laurent and Zoe would have 819 grandchildren after 75 years, which is a horrifying amount of people. 

[29] How do you choose which sims become more fundie and which become less?

I analyse the dynamics that I’ve created for each family, since I know how the personalities of each sim works I can sort of try and gauge how fundie they’d be after they get married and are in control of their own lives. Traits and the interpersonal relationships helped when deciding, for example, Maggie has always been willing to go against the grain. As a toddler and child she was disciplined for her behaviour more often than her siblings were, she’d always get distracted when doing homework and would need to be helped. This helped me decide that she’d be the first one to fully make the switch away from fundamentalism and into regular conservatism. It does help that there’s a quite a spectrum when it comes to being fundie, it helps put the different people at different places on the scale.

[aion-rsa]

Shameless Season 11 Episode 11 Review: The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This Shameless episode contains spoilers.

Shameless Season 11 Episode 11

“We’re adults now. This is what adults do. They move on.”

Shameless tows the line over whether Frank Gallagher is actually wise or just so high on his own supply that he’s convinced himself that he’s a street smart genius. The truth of the matter is irrelevant because either way Frank still makes bold declarations as if they were the word of God. He’s a non-stop repository for nonsensical advice and Frank’s teachings have been present through every season, even if they’re lessons that the Gallaghers actively ignore. 

“The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits” pushes a narrative where characters need to either move forward or slow down, but a greater source of wisdom that influences the episode’s structure is the laundry list of life lessons that Frank has spewed out for eleven seasons. This direction turns Shameless’ penultimate episode into one of the most emotional and impressive entries of the season and provides the right direction for next week’s big finale.

Previous seasons of Shameless frequently treat Frank like an unrepentant derelict and there are times where he even operates as an outright villain. This final season has worked hard to humanize Frank as he transitions into this feeble stage of his life and it’s been a very powerful experience. Now, an episode away from the very end of Shameless, Frank is at his absolute worst and at this point there’s no hatred towards this passive father figure, only pity. William H. Macy looks utterly lost in these scenes and he’s really put everything into this final season. Macy actually deserves some award consideration when the time comes and this is the episode that he should submit. 

Frank is usually the one that drives the chaos forward in Shameless, right down to the previous episode, but “The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits” turns into a somber celebration of all things Frank Gallagher as Liam graciously tries to remind Frank of the indomitable fighting spirit that’s defined him for his entire life. Liam throws Frank’s own advice back at him when he tells him, “Either you run the day, or the day runs you.” 

This episode feeds off of the energy between Liam and Frank from the previous installment and it’s appropriate that Liam is the one that’s with Frank during his weakest moments. Frank can rest easy knowing that Liam is living proof that goodness has come out of all of his selfish behavior over the years and somehow this child has been able to synthesize his ramblings into practical advice.

It’s a lot of fun to return to this farcical side of Frank’s character, but the comedic sensibilities of Shameless continue to be all over the place this season. There are some legitimately funny and subtle jokes throughout this episode, but there are also ridiculous setpieces where good samaritans get steamrolled by a truck. Shameless has always had a dark sense of humor, but it needs to have a little more confidence in itself and not resort to such broad gags that come close to breaking the reality of the show’s universe. Mickey’s consternation over housing complex guidelines feels more natural, and is funnier, than fatality punchlines or extended TikTok dance routines. 

Mickey and Ian’s time in Chicago’s West Side becomes surprisingly fulfilling and it achieves the right balance between comedy and drama. This new lifestyle puts Mickey and Ian at odds with each other and it becomes a strong dissection of their characters as well as how far their relationship has come. Their material is full of great character moments, like how Mickey needs to listen to car crashes and general destruction as a white noise machine to help him peacefully fall asleep. Mickey’s discomfort over his new life becomes so severe that he has to sneak back into the Gallagher house and get up close and personal with the crime and chaos that echoes through the South Side. 

I don’t expect Mickey to completely regress and be unable to forge ahead with Ian in this marginally swankier life, but this feels like a reasonable temporary hurdle for him to clear before the series concludes. Despite how this West Side lifestyle is a productive change for Ian and Mickey, it’s still something that Ian made official while Mickey wasn’t completely on board. It’s an understandable schism between them and the episode is smart to tease them falling back onto old habits, only to do the opposite. 

“The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits” teases infidelity and disappointing decisions, but their selfless resolution to the problem is one of the sweetest moments from the entire season and basically what I’ve wanted from these two all season. Every character in Shameless has been through a tremendous amount this season and it’s impressive how Mickey and Ian’s conflict resolution methods have evolved from the volatile place that they were at when the season began.

Mickey and Ian display genuine maturity with their relationship issues and it’s a level of synergy and consistency that Debbie craves. Everyone is considerably worn down from the events of the season and is close to their breaking points, which in Debbie’s case finally causes her to take a long look at why her romantic endeavors have all been so toxic. This introspective attitude is good for Debbie, yet the victim mentality that she adopts and her anger that Frank has “ruined love for her” is a little too simplistic. Debbie has been in healthy relationships that failed because of preventable problems that she instigated. 

Debbie polls the people in her life on how to build connections and stay together when her family is on the cusp of separation, which does carry a level of poignancy, even if not all of the insight that she acquires from the experience is healthy. It’s a storyline that works as well as it does here specifically because it’s juxtaposed around so many changes and goodbyes. Debbie does productive work to better herself, but the direction of her endgame is more than a little confusing. 

“The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits” parses out several scenes where an aggressive woman named Heidi causes a wave of mayhem promptly after she’s released from prison. Initially it looks like Heidi’s roaring rampage will intersect with Carl’s new police gig and provide him an opportunity to take down this menace and become a hero again on the force. That’s not at all what happens and it’s madness that Heidi is meant to instead provide closure for Debbie! 

Heidi literally threatens to shoot Franny with a revolver and minutes later Debbie is ready to spend the rest of her life with this loose cannon. The most frustrating thing is that next week’s series finale will likely hint at a happy future for this fresh couple, but based on everything that’s known about both of these characters it seems like it’s destined to go up in flames, perhaps even more quickly than previous relationships.

Carl doesn’t get to take out an angst-ridden recidivist, but he does still find some peace and gain a better understanding of his calling after a season of being frustrated. Carl’s impassioned speech is long overdue, eloquent as hell, and completely right. It also would have been justified several episodes back, but at this point Carl’s pent up frustration over what he’s witnessed at the police department makes sense. 

It’s encouraging that Carl embraces his demotion and uses it to find clarity. It’s still hard to say if this police direction for Carl’s character was worth it in the end, but thankfully it doesn’t suck out his soul or leave him bitter at the world. Joshua Malina is such a hyperbolized schlub through all of this, which is entertaining and also reflects the greater level of incompetence that surrounds Carl while he attempts to do honest police work. 

Carl and many of the Gallaghers are caught in flux when it comes to their new lives, but Kevin and Vee already have Chicago in their rearview mirrors. Vee and Kevin represent a force of confidence and their resolve towards Louisville inadvertently helps many of the Gallaghers work through their own sources of stress. It even feels natural that the person that Kevin and Vee sell their house off to turns into a break for Lip to diminish the colony of ulcers that have been brewing in him all season. This blessed development also doesn’t feel contrived because it’s an opportunity that Lip ultimately botches. 

Liam reminds Frank that he’ll have both good and bad days, but this cautionary advice becomes even more applicable to Lip’s story. It’s heartbreaking how everything sours for Lip and there’s such palpable tension through it all. This is supposed to be Lip’s easy way out to a happy ending and it instead quickly becomes a nightmare. It’s very clear that something is about to go wrong and just how poorly Lip has handled this situation. It’s a slow motion car crash of drama to the worst degree.

This sword is left to hang over Lip as the episode concludes and he almost seems to accept the cloud of hopelessness that’s formed over him. It’s a sad, hollow version of Lip that doesn’t feel dissimilar to Frank Gallagher and his decision to go out on his own terms. Frank’s concluding moments are devastating, but they’re also the only time in the episode where he feels empowered. It’s a turn that fundamentally changes the tone for Shameless’ series finale and has the potential to bring out the best in each character. There’s now a small sliver of hope that Fiona might show up, whereas I was previously convinced that this was impossible.

“The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits” is the strongest episode of Shameless’ final season, it contains some of William H. Macy’s absolute best work from the show, and it instills some optimistic confidence for what the series has planned for its final installment. The Gallaghers’ lives are far from over and there’s still a lot that these characters need to figure out before the series’ conclusion. The tragedy that strikes in the episodes’s final moments is a strong catalyst that should bring everyone together and deliver a series finale that’s just as much about togetherness and supporting each other as it is about new beginnings and closing the door on the past. 

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It will also absolutely end on its own terms, just like Francis Gallagher.

The post Shameless Season 11 Episode 11 Review: The Fickle Lady Is Calling It Quits appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[itsblosseybitch]

The Reel Dunne (Griffin Dunne interview from INTERVIEW magazine, October 1988

Hollywood Wunderkind Griffin Dunne eloped at 18, produced a movie at 23, and has been acting all along. Victoria Hamburg stopped by to catch up.

When Griffin Dunne was 23 and managing a concession stand at Radio City Music Hall, he followed the cultural cues of his native L.A. and, with a couple of close friends, optioned a story for a movie. Nothing terribly out of the ordinary for a Hollywood-wise L.A. youth. What was not ordinary, however, was that the story--Ann Beattie’s novel Chilly Scenes of Winter--was actually made into a film, starring John Heard, and released by United Artists. 

Chilly Scenes of Winter marked the emergence of the young Griffin Dunne as an actor and leading producer of American films. Son of writer Dominick Dunne (and brother of the tragically murdered Dominique Dunne), Griffin moved to Manhattan after high school to study acting at the Neighborhood Playhouse. Over the years, his film credits have grown to include An American Werewolf in London, Johnny Dangerously, Almost You, After Hours, and Who’s That Girl, and in his role as a producer, he has been equally canny. Along with his longtime partner, Amy Robinson, he has produced John Sayles’ Baby It’s You and co-produced Martin Scorsese’s After Hours. 

This season, Dunne’s dual career is in full swing. He produced Sidney Lumet’s Running on Empty, which was released in September, and is currently producing Lasse Hallstrom’s (My Life As A Dog) first American film, Once Around. He stars in Dorris Dorrie’s controversial second film, Me and Him, playing the part of a middle-aged man with two problems--a midlife crisis and a penis that talks (distributors have decided the film is too controversial for America, and it is being released in Europe this month). Dunne will also appear in the HBO movie Lip Service alongside Paul Dooley. 

Dunne is as funny and charming off-screen as he is on. Dark, intense, and boyishly handsome, he is a natural storyteller, whose enthusiasm is contagious. Victoria Hamburg found him at home, in his West Village penthouse overlooking the Hudson. The apartment is airy and sunlit, with oversize windows, a fireplace for the winter, and a terrace with real grass for the summer. It is the perfect refuge from the hustle of the city streets and the madness of the entertainment world on which Griffin Dunne clearly thrives.

VICTORIA HAMBURG: I’ve been having my own private Griffin Dunne Film Festival. I looked at After Hours, An American Werewolf in London, Almost You, and Who’s That Girl. The movies that you’ve produced have more social commentary and a greater basis in reality than the movies you star in. The ones you act in are more like myths or fables about the dilemmas of modern man.

GRIFFIN DUNNE: It’s funny--as a producer, you think about material for material’s sake. You look for really rich characters and movies that have something to say. It’s much easier for me to find movies to produce than to act in. You have more control over material, and there are wider choices.

VH: What’s this film you were doing in Boston?

GD: It’s called Lip Service. It was just a great piece of writing by a guy named Howard Porter. He wrote Boy’s Life. It was on Broadway a while ago. David Mamet executive-produced this film and asked me if I’d be in it with Paul Dooley. William H. Macy, who’s an actor, directed it. [OP NOTE: There’s a misprint in this article, where’s he’s referred to as W.C. Macy. Or maybe Griffin was trying to be funny and make a reference to W.C. Fields]. It’s his first film. He did an incredible job, and it was great to work with a director who was an actor. It’s about these two talk-show hosts on one of those morning shows like Hey, Wake Up, L.A. It’s called Sunny Side Up. It’s been run for ten years by a kind of boring, staid broadcaster who’s like a Walter Cronkite of the morning circuit. They want to spruce up the ratings, so they bring in a sort of Regis Philbin type, and that’s me. It’s Regis and Walter on this morning show, and they’re two very different people. I idolize him, but he hates me. I’m always trying to get him to be my friend. There’s something very touching about it. It’s also very sad, because the public taste being what it is, I blow him out of the water. I’m so filled with energy and kooky ideas. I’m always looking for the lowest common denominator in human behavior, and people love it. They just lap it up. Dooley’s character gets fired.

Anyway, in this movie, for the first time I play a guy who is completely happy. He has a vicious mean streak, and then it’s gone, and he’s the happiest person on earth. I had a great time, because I usually play people with a tremendous number of problems. This guy hasn’t a clue of the problems he has, because he never listens. He never hears a word he’s saying. Somebody will be talking to him and he’ll interrupt them to ask, “How’s my hair? Do you think I’m attractive?” or some terribly vain question.

VH: Do you think that it takes being oblivious like that to be a happy guy?

GD: Yeah, basically, I mean, to not have a clue about anybody else’s suffering or even what color shirt they’re wearing is a different version of happiness. I’ve seen people without any sort of self-doubt. They just amaze me. 

VH: When you were talking earlier, I was thinking you sound like somebody who doesn’t suffer from self-doubt. 

GD: Who doesn’t have self-doubt at some point?

VH: Well, I know, but it doesn’t seem to paralyze you in any way.

GD: No, it doesn’t paralyze me. It’s a fleeting thought, but it was nice to play somebody so completely confident and ebullient in everything that he’s doing. The guy I played just had no problem offending somebody, because he had no idea he was offending them. Terrible hurt would cross someone’s face and he would just go right on talking. It was endlessly interesting.

VH: It seems as if we’ve reached a point where there’s a new Hollywood. There are people who are our age, in their late twenties, mid-thirties, who are now in a position of making decisions in the studios. Are they doing it differently? Is something going to happen that’s different from the way that people have been making movies in the past?

GD: Probably not. Even though movies are making more money than ever, they are still based on the star system. And the star system is getting stronger and stronger. Having name value is becoming more and more important. People are taking fewer and fewer chances. What I’ve noticed is that it’s getting to be taken for granted that this is the way to go. Even the smaller outfits have now figured out ways to hire major stars with name value. I think part of the problem with film is that the good movies--with interesting stories and actors--are not huge weekend movies. They’re competing against star vehicles with rotten scripts and one charismatic star that make the big kill for two or three weekends and then gradually dwindle away. The movies that don’t fall into that category are racing quicker than ever for the video stores. All this means that they’ve yet to figure out long-run releases. And the attitude is getting to be more and more--even among my peers--”I’ll wait for it on cable.” People look at small or interesting or intimate movies as the kind they’d prefer to see at home on their television sets rather than at a theater. Movies are considered failures much sooner than ever before. The failure rate has really sped up, and the success rate is much further down the line because now you have to look at the videocassette sales and rentals. 

VH: I think it’s incredibly frustrating for all the people who go out and kill themselves for six years to get a project to finally happen, who risk everything they’ve got and go out on a limb for it, and then, even if it’s reasonably successful, it’ll probably run for only two or three weeks and end up in the video store, and who’s ever going to look at it then?

GD: It’s extremely frustrating. It’s like they spend six years to make the videocassette. 

VH: Right. Whereas if you’re writing a book, even if nobody buys it, it will still be there somehow in a more lasting way.

GD: You notice how books and videocassettes are almost the same size...

VH: How did you feel when you were making Who’s That Girl and people kept calling it “the Madonna movie”?

GD: I assumed they would. She is an extraordinarily huge star, and a great deal of commotion happens around her when she’s out in public.

VH: How did the filming go?

GD: It was pretty wild. I guess I didn’t really expect it to be. I remember there was a marathon race on a Sunday. We were shooting in Manhattan. Here are these people who are nearing the end of a twenty-six-mile run. They could have placed respectably, but they pulled over to the side to watch the shooting and let the other runners go on. By the time they got to where we were shooting on Fifth Avenue, they had been running twenty miles. They took a breather to watch the shooting, to watch Madonna getting in and out of a cab. They just threw it all away to watch this. Everybody had a camera when we were working on that picture. Cabs would drive by, and little old ladies would pull out lenses longer than their entire frames and just whack off a few pictures. It was a bit of a carnival atmosphere.

VH: Which do you prefer, acting or producing?

GD: I don’t know. Acting is what I originally wanted to do. That’s really what I’m supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, the business of being an actor is a lot more disheartening than the business of being a producer. As an actor, you’re beholden to the material and the taste of other people who are developing projects that you may or may not get in. As a producer, you come up with the idea. Everything that my partner, Amy Robinson, and I have done, we’ve thought of and developed. The script for After Hours came from a student at Columbia University. 

VH: You get offered a lot of roles that you turn down--if you kept getting parts that you wanted to do, would you end up acting instead of producing?

GD: It depends how far along I am in the producing. I’ve lately had a painful decision to make. I’ve turned down work because I’ve been too far into producing a picture. It wasn’t easy to do. 

VH: Do you feel you naturally lean toward acting?

GD: I’ve always leaned toward acting. I’m very good at working on stories, casting, and crewing up, but when the movie’s being shot, there’s always the frustration I feel watching other actors working. That goes away once the film’s finished shooting. It’s almost the reverse of what I feel as an actor. There’s a certain relief that, once I’ve finished shooting, I can be in the editing room or in the screening room, watching the rough cuts develop and watching the picture just get better and better.

VH: Have you ever wanted to direct?

GD: Yeah, I think about that more and more.

VH: The relationships between an actor and a director and between a producer and a director are very different.

GD: The relationship between an actor and a producer is, in fact, one of total opposites. As producer--particularly during shooting--your job is to worry and to predict what horrible things will happen. You worry about time, scheduling, and logistics. You have to fall into a certain logic that does not come to me naturally.

VH: I always think it’s a combination of being the baby sitter, the whip-cracker, and the pacifier. In a way, all the things that you do make you feel like you have no control. On the other hand, you realize that ultimately you do have the control.

GD: What you’re doing is watching other people create and have a fantastic time. Amy and I have always worked with directors who have respected our opinion and relied on us heavily for story development, casting, and the creative part. But once the movie is going, it’s just this big monster rolling along that you have to keep in check. It’s much less creative. I mean, you can look at dailies and say, “Gee, it looks a little dark in that scene” and “Why does she have that expression on her face?” but it’s pretty much out of your control, with the exception of the ultimate ability to slow down or speed up the process. And sometimes even that’s questionable. But as an actor, your entire job is not to worry. Your job is to help others, create an atmosphere where you can be totally spontaneous, get lost in the part, and develop intense relationships with people. When I’m acting and things are going well, I have an extremely good time.

VH: It sounds like the acting and producing provide a perfect balance for you.

GD: Yes. Absolutely. I remember when I produced my first movie, Chilly Scenes of Winter. I was a desperately hungry actor who lived and died by my last audition and what people thought of me as I walked out of an office. That’s what most people think when they’re starting out. It’s an unnatural environment when you go in and read and show your personality to someone and they say yes or no. It takes awhile to get the hang of that. I was not good at it. I would clam up and freeze at auditions. I could not be free. So producing a movie was entirely liberating. There I was, in a casting room, auditioning actors whom I not only admired but envied, wishing I was in their position. I was 23 at the time, and I remember being in this office in Los Angeles, in Culver City, pre-screening the actors before the director, Joan Micklin Silver, met them. Bringing in all these actors I’ve admired my whole life and interviewing them, I thought, This is crazy. They thought it was pretty crazy, too. They thought, How old is he? But I did see how the audition process worked, and I thought, This is not so threatening.

VH: I’ve always thought of you as the boy wonder. I mean, there you were, producing a feature film. That’s not easy, but you were at the point where you and Amy could convince somebody to give you the money to do it. How did you manage that?

GD: We also had a third partner, Mark Metcalf. All three of us were actors. Mark was probably the most successful of the three of us, because he had produced Animal House [He also played Niedermeyer in the film]. We had a really good book by Ann Beattie, and people wanted it.

VH: How did you convince Joan that she should let you guys do it?

GD: She came to us. She wanted to make the movie. 

VH: But you didn’t know anything about line-producing, right?

GD: No. For a year before we actually got it off the ground, we interviewed everyone. We called people right up out of the DGA [Directors’ Guild of America] book and said, “We’re doing this movie. Would you talk to us? Will you tell us about line-producing? Will you tell us what this means? Will you tell us what gross and net are?” We knew nothing, but we found that complete strangers were willing to share their knowledge and expertise with us. So we learned a certain amount the year before we actually met Joan. All we knew was that we wanted to make this movie, and we had the material. Several times, people said, “We’ll make this movie, but you three have to go.” And we said, “No, we come with it and you’ll have to go.” We pulled it off, and they let us do it. We had a production manager, a man named Paul Helmick, who was close to 70 years old [laughs]; he was Howard Hawks’ first assistant director, and he had incredible stories about the movie business. We learned a lot from him. We were the producers, but he knew the nuts and bolts--who to get on the crew and what the hourly wages were and all that.

VH: What would you say was the most important thing that you learned from doing the movie?

GD: Well, because I was so young, I sort of learned how the world works. I learned how decisions were made and business was run. The business section of the newspaper became interesting to me: why people were fired and hired. Just the decision-making process, and people taking responsibility for their decisions.

VH: You grew up in Los Angeles, didn’t you?

GD: Yes.

VH: So you must have had some sense of how it all worked. Your father was in the business. 

GD: Yeah. I knew my movies. I loved movies. But I didn’t know anything about the details of making a movie. Casting was an instinctual process to me. Amy and Mark weren’t from the movie business. They grew up loving movies, and that’s what the three of us had in common. Being from Los Angeles and having parents in the business was not really helpful. I could talk to my father about what I was doing and the problems I was having, and he would understand what I was saying, but he wasn’t in production then. He was extremely supportive of me, just as Amy’s and Mark’s parents were supportive of them.

VH: Did you ever have moments where you were totally terrified because you didn’t know what you were doing?

GD: You know, I really didn’t. I was having such a good time. Nobody ever once said, “You’re a fraud. You’re 23 years old. Who are you to tell me this?” I knew the material. I knew I had a tremendous love and conviction for this book and for the script that Joan wrote and for Joan as a director. I didn’t really have any doubt in my ability.

VH: You and Amy have been producing together for such a long time. How does that work? Is there a role that she plays and a role that you play?

GD: I guess so. We bounce off each other very well. Whoever calls us knows they’re going to get both of us on the phone, and we’ve figured out how to talk without talking at the same time, so that we build on each other’s thoughts. We finish each other’s sentences.

VH: Do you do good cop/bad cop?

GD: Yeah. It depends who the person is. There are certain people she gets along better with and others I get along better with. People get treated well, so there hasn’t been any real tension on our sets coming from the production. Basically we’re both good cops. But we use that good cop/bad cop routine. 

VH: How does she feel when you go off to be in a movie? Does she produce things without you?

GD: The day-to-day stuff is a lot of phone work, you know. Producing is all about talking on the phone. When I’m off acting, Amy is doing the day-to-day work in the office. We talk every day. It’s like I’m in foreign land, acting with complete strangers. I’ll call her, and she’ll fill me in on what’s going on. Then, if I have a few hours left in me, I’ll knock off about eight or nine phone calls. So I’m still doing my work. I never fall out of contact.

VH: You sound driven.

GD: Well, it is a driven thing. Amy is a very driven person, and sometimes I have to work hard to catch up with her if I’m doing two jobs. It’s a lot of work. I’m getting tired just talking about it. [laughs]

VH: I’m always interested in people who are able to make movies in New York. Do you and Amy feel pressure to do something in L.A.? Sometimes L.A. seems like a private club to me: you have to do time there or you have to have been a member.

GD: No, I don’t think so. I mean, the reason we’re doing well is because of the material. We choose to live in New York. We have to go to Los Angeles an awful lot for any number of reasons--to meet writers or talk to the studio about financing--but there’s been no pressure on us to move to Los Angeles. In fact, I think it would be a little stifling, because we could fall into that club atmosphere you’re talking about. A good deal of the time there is spent talking about “Have you read this script that was just submitted that all the agencies are reading? Did you get on top of this? Did you get on top of that?” And it’s a cyclical effect. You start buying something based on word of mouth and who’s attached to it--basically for all the wrong reasons. I think this distance gives us a little perspective on what the story is.

VH: How did you find the script for Running on Empty?

GD: Amy and I had been interested in radicals--the real hardened ones, the ones who had been living underground and thought that they were still fighting a revolution, who surfaced only to kill a bunch of people for a political idea that grew out of the ‘60s and had somehow gone terribly wrong. I had absolutely no sympathy for them. I understood where their politics originated, but I felt that they were in a complete dream world. They were the same criminals that sell drugs, or blow away cops to rob a bank, for no political reason. The idea that they thought there would be some kind of public uprising over killing a couple of security guards was delusion at its highest. We talked about making a movie on this subject, and then we came across an article about the custody procedure involving kids whose parents were radicals--two boys, 11 and 9. They were younger than the characters in our movie. Their parents were found with a cache of weapons, fighting to overthrow the government so that we would all be free. They were a lot harder than the characters in our film, but we were struck by the family aspect of the story. We went to Naomi Phoner  [author of Running on Empty] with the article and talked about the origins of the parents and their political beliefs. We concentrated on the case of blowing up a napalm plant in the early ‘70s. Their pictures were plastered in every post office in the United States and they were on the Ten Most Wanted list. What effect would that have on their children?

VH: When I read articles about these people, there’s always something about them that makes you feel as if they could have been friends of yours in college. There’s something very ordinary about the people who did those things.

GD: Yes, but living on the run for so long, living underground where there’s a network of people that can help you--that’s got to warp your idea of society, because you have ostensibly left society to lead this kind of life. The society you’re trying to overthrow is very different from the one you have in mind once you’ve been underground for a few years.

VH: Did you actually try to contact people who were underground?

GD: Yeah, we spoke to a few people--they were hardly on anyone’s Ten Most Wanted list, but they had a lot to hide from. Naomi had some friends from college, in fact--former SDS [Students for a Democratic Society] higher-ups who were no longer wanted by the law.

VH: How did Sidney Lumet become the director?

GD: He read the script. We were at Lorimar, and Sidney had a contract at Lorimar. We had thought of Sidney quite a bit before we seriously approached directors. He read it and contacted us and told us how much he loved it.

VH: It seems like a good time to make a movie like Running On Empty. Here we are, with the Presidential elections before us...[laughs]

GD: When we were testing Running on Empty, we would show it to college kids. Researchers would ask them about their knowledge of ‘60s radicals, and they would talk about Jane Fonda. I guess they thought she was an SDS student or something and that she lived in the underground. There was very little awareness about the people who were trying to end the Vietnam War.

VH: How much does giving people something to think about have to do with your decisions about what movies you produce?

GD: We assume that other people will be interested in thinking about what we think about. What initially attracted us to Running On Empty was not so much making a political statement. What really drew us to the story were the family and the conflicts in the family. The movie is a sort of extreme exaggeration of what happens to boys or girls when they hit a certain age, when they look at their parents and they’re not parents anymore. They’re human beings with a lot of problems, and they become aware of what it took to raise them. It’s the first feeling that a kid might have of compassion toward his parents, of a sense of even feeling wiser somehow. That’s what attracted me to Running On Empty. It’s that story of looking at your parents and feeling in a funny way stronger than them. You suddenly have this knowledge that the decisions you make can hurt them. If you don’t want to hurt them, you make the proper adjustments. The alternative is to grow up and hurt them because you’ve got to live your own life. This movie is about all the complexities that go on in a family. Maybe there will be disappointment for a lot of politically minded people who think they might find an answer in this movie. It comes out in a much more family-oriented way.

VH: Your parents are remarkable people. I remember reading the story that your father wrote about your sister’s death and the murder trial that followed it. I particularly remember the description of your mother. I’ve always thought that she was unbelievably courageous. 

GD: My mother’s an extraordinary person. She’s the strongest person I know. 

[Ellen Griffin Dunne founded Justice for Homicide Victims in 1984 to support victims of homicide with legal and financial assistance, as well as counseling and referrals. In 1989, a year after this interview was conducted, Ellen was recognized for her advocacy work by then-President George H.W. Bush. Ellen also suffered from multiple sclerosis starting in the early ‘80s. She passed away in 1997. Justice for Homicide Victims is still operating today.]

VH: Do you think being raised by people like that allows you to try things that other people wouldn’t ordinarily try?

GD: It sure helps. I grew up in a very supportive environment. My parents were not easily shocked by the decisions I made. I was sort of a handful; I got into a lot of trouble when I was growing up. They never succumbed to total despair when I fucked up. I think that’s an important lesson for parents. I grew up with the confidence of knowing that my parents always thought I was going to come out O.K. They always thought I was going to make it, whatever I did.

VH: Did you have any heroes? 

GD: I grew up idolizing people all the time. It’s harder and harder to find idols, but for as long as I can remember, I was always a worshiper of other people. 

VH: Who?

GD: I was only 9 years old, but I had this obsession with John F. Kennedy. I was convinced I would someday know this guy and we’d become really good friends. [laughs] I called his wife Mrs. Kennedy, and I’d call him Mr. Kennedy whenever I talked about him. I used to write him letters--nothing very political, just to tell him that it was my birthday last week, and my brother did this, and that things kind of stank around the house but that I’d work it out. I would get letters back from his secretary saying that Mr. Kennedy had received my letter, and that was perfectly fine. I remember we used to go to church every Sunday, one day I just put my foot down and refused to go. I just said “I’m not going.” Big fights. They went to church and left me locked in my room. When they came back, my brother and sister and the whole family were glowing. John F. Kennedy and his wife had gone to church that day, and they sat right behind my parents!

VH: Don’t you think they made it up?

GD: Well, even as I’m telling you, I find it just incredible.

VH: Were you a gullible child?

GD: I was always gullible. But I can’t believe they’d be that cruel. I used to lie for years afterward--with the conviction of a total liar who believed it--about the time I went to church and John and Jackie were sitting behind me. Even telling you this, the lie seems true. I turned around, saying, “Hi, Mr. Kennedy, I’m Griffin Dunne. I wrote you these letters.” “Oh yes, Griffin. Oh yes, I got your letters. Just wait until after the service. We’ll talk.” And then as soon as the service was over, he tapped me on the shoulder, and I climbed over the pew. I’m between him and Jackie, and he says, “Have you met my wife?” “Oh, hi, Mrs. Kennedy. Nice to meet you.” He says, “Go on, about those letters.” And we were talking as we were walking outside, and we became friends in that moment. Anyway, he was my major hero. It’s been downhill ever since.

VH: Were you raised a Catholic?

GD: Yes. 

VH: Has that had any lasting effect on you?

GD: Well, I think there’s something very Catholic about that fantasy. I was raised a Catholic, and it helped me in being an actor in plenty of ways. I hated church. I always thought those priests gave rather weak performances. I think that’s sort of how I became an actor--an early fantasy was if I were a priest, I’d do a much better job. When I became an altar boy, I became the church-clown altar boy and would bring the priest the wrong vestments. 

VH: On purpose?

GD: No, it just worked out that way, but I got laughs.

VH: I’m half Catholic and half Jewish. I think that what I get from being Catholic is that I’m always guilty about something I did that I shouldn’t have done. And what I get from being Jewish is that I’m always guilty about something I should have done that I didn’t do. I heard the other day that the movie you were in that Doris Dorrie directed was banned in this country. I have a feeling this isn’t true, but this movie has a controversial reputation. What’s going on here?

GD: Well, I think it’s probably a “European” movie in that it’s going to open in Europe. 

VH: What’s this movie about?

GD: It’s a sensitive tale. It’s about this guy whose penis starts talking to him and it just totally freaks him out. You never see it, so I don’t know why it’s banned. It’s based on a book called Two by Alberto Moravia. It’s a very typical tale, about this guy who’s an architect. He’s at the brink of having some kind of boredom breakdown--he’s married and he has a kid and feels trapped. His penis starts talking to him, screaming at him to wake up and enjoy life. You never see it. It’s all in his mind. It’s basically me talking to myself the whole movie and talking to women and the people in my office. I’m a very ambitious guy in the movie who starts to get ahead through the power of the seduction. He’s a philanderer, very Italian, both cocky and confused at the same time. He has all these desires of getting ahead and finding the perfect woman. I thought the part had a certain kind of charm to it. It might be banned because the movie turns out to look like one of those Ralph Steadman drawings with the back of people’s heads blown out, you know, like a shotgun went off in their mouth. Everybody’s totally distorted, and weird shit is coming out of their mouths. Everybody is very unattractive in a funny way. It’s not as funny as people thought it would be. It’s a much harder movie. 

[This last part is interesting to read, because as someone who has watched Me and Him, there’s no animation in the movie whatsoever. I wonder if that was the original plan for the film but it got scrapped for the final product for whatever reason, probably due to budget constraints. I know there’s a ‘70s film based on Moravia’s book as well. My friends over at The Projection Booth did a podcast on this movie, and Doris Dorrie was interviewed and I don’t remember a word being breathed about any animation sequences, so this is the first I’ve heard about this. Griffin is not a big fan of this movie (neither am I) so he hasn’t talked much about it since, and he said he didn’t want to be interviewed about it for the podcast.]

VH: Her other movie, Men, seemed to be about how people of the opposite sex don’t really like each other.

GD: Yeah. I hadn’t thought that at the time, but I definitely think that now. It’s a battle of the sexes, but it’s a battle over which is the uglier sex. There’s nothing terribly crude about it, sexually. Emotionally, it’s very crude. But being directed by a woman on something as intimate as this is a little like playing the part of a dog and being directed by a cat about how you’d feel about being a fire hydrant. You know, the dog’s going to look at this cat and go, “What the fuck do you know about a fire hydrant?” How would you know how I’d feel about sex? Both of us sort of drew a blank. We had no idea what the other was talking about. It was a totally non-communicative experience. I did my job and she did her job. There really weren’t many ways we could help each other out. 

VH: Do you think that people genuinely believe that the sexes basically don’t like each other?

GD: No, I think they do like each other, and I think that was what we disagreed on. As much as we would verbalize it and have many discussions, it always boiled down to the point that cruelty between the sexes was different. We disagreed on that. The movie is about how the two sexes dislike each other intensely, which was not, I felt, in the script. 

VH: What are you doing next?

GD: Starting a movie with Lasse Hallstrom, who did My Life As A Dog. Amy and I are going to produce a movie. I’m going to be in it. Small part. Nice part. It’s a story, set in Massachusetts, about an Italian-American from a big, close family, whose sisters have all been married. She’s the eldest and the last one to get married. Everybody’s encouraging her to finally get married to this guy she’s been with for six years, and this guy turns out to be a real wimp. He finally admits to her, “I’m never going to marry you.” She’s devastated, and she goes off.

VH: That’s not you, is it?

GD: Hell, no. That is a wimp. So she goes off, and she meets a man who’s close to her father’s age. He’s a very outgoing, tough businessman, who is rich. He sort of tries to buy his way into the family emotionally and financially. While they’re happy for the daughter, the family doesn’t like the man. It’s a battle of the patriarchs and how the man gets caught in the middle. The family never can quite let the husband into their hearts. It’s very painful and it’s very funny. It’s a brilliant script. It’s written from the heart by a woman named Malia Scotch Marmont [This is a misprint. Her name is Malia Scotch Marmo, and she’s also been credited as a writer for Hook and Madeline], who was at a Columbia student. We found the script through the Sundance Institute. 

VH: What do you play?

GD: I play the brother-in-law. He’s a guy who is heavily influenced by this very outgoing businessman and starts to take on his mannerisms, much to the discomfort of his wife, who dislikes him. I’m the only one who thinks he’s a pretty good guy. It’s going to be a great movie. I’ve been in Boston with Lasse. He’s from Sweden. I’m showing him the difference between Italian-Americans from Massachusetts and Italian-Americans from New York.

[The movie that Dunne is talking about would be released as Once Around in 1991, starring Holly Hunter and Richard Dreyfuss as the leads. Interestingly enough, Dunne would end up playing that very wimp boyfriend in the movie. The brother-in-law would be played by Tim Guinee].

VH: What’s the difference?

GD: Well, as far as I can tell, the Italian-Americans from Massachusetts are more Yankee at heart. They really are closer to the family, the Mayflower, and they sort of cling to that. They feel a little more American than the New York Italians, like they got there first. The dialects are obviously very different. But we’re trying to make those differences clear to Lasse. 

VH: This is his first movie in English?

GD: Yeah. It’s set in a very particular region of the United States. We can help him with the research and the regional differences, but when it comes to the matter of the heart, that’s his job and that’s where he will shine. 

VH: If you could do anything you want, what would you do?

GD: I would have the kind of life where I could bury myself in work for an intense period of a year and then leave work for six months and travel somewhere, maybe live in a completely different area of the world and soak up whatever differences and experiences I might gather there and revitalize myself, then do it all over again. I’d have the kind of control of being able to walk away from something I’ve created that will be there when I get back. 

VH: When we were talking about family and relationships, I wondered how come you’ve never been married.

GD: Oh, I have been. I have been. I’ve never mentioned it. Everybody who knows me knows that I’ve been married, but I’ve never talked about it before. It hardly deserves this sort of melancholy face I have on right now. 

VH: You’re smiling. [laughs]

GD: Yeah. That kind of melancholy. I was married, when I was 18, to a girl who was maybe 19, whom I had met in high school. She was the daughter of the--at the time--head of a film studio. She was very, very beautiful and probably still is. I have no idea. I haven’t seen her since.

VH: Since you married her?

GD: Yeah, I married her and then I never saw her again. [laughs] Didn’t work out. We got married in Tijuana sort of on a dare. When I was 17 we crossed the border to go to Tijuana, and the highway patrol pulled us over, and they knew for some reason we were going to get married. They brought us into the office and tried to talk us out of it. It was a humiliating experience because she was older and the highway patrol cop was sort of hitting on her. I mean, she was really gorgeous--there was just something about her; she exuded a real intense sexuality. I was madly in love with her, as anyone who ever laid eyes on her was. So the highway patrolman is hitting on my wife-to-be, and the other guy has got me in a room, telling me that I should hold off and not marry that piece in the other room for a couple of years, until I know what I’m doing. I was in such a rage that when I turned 18--on my birthday--we got in a car and went right back to Tijuana and got married.

VH: And how long were you married?

GD: A whopping one year. I came back to--we were going to keep it a secret--the apartment we had gotten. I carried her across the threshold of this apartment that had no furniture in it and the phone was ringing, so I dropped her on the wood floor and got the phone--

VH: What a guy.

GD: Well, you see, she was voluptuous, so she weighed a ton. I got the phone, and it was my father, and he was saying “So, how are you?” I said, “Fine.” “Anything new?” I went, “No, no.” He said, “I just came back from the most beautiful wedding I think I’ve ever been in my whole life. This boy--Oh, God, he must have been your age, maybe a little older. But he and that bride, my God. You know the parents--very dear old friends. Your mother and I, when you get married, that’s how we want to do it. Everything was done just right.” And I thought, Why is he telling me this? Why did he happen to go to this beautiful wedding of a peer of mine, and why is he telling me about it? He must know. This is a sign. So I just murmured, “Well, it’s a little late for that.” He said, “What?” I said, “We just married this afternoon in Tijuana.” He roared with laughter. And I was silent. And he said, “Now wait a minute.” He had this kind of chilly tone. “I can’t tell if you’re joking with me now or what.” I said, “No, no. We really did.” And he said, in the coolest voice I have ever heard, “I think you had better come over here right now.” We went over, and both he and my mother were freaked out. I finally got a divorce--not because of that but because it didn’t work out.

VH: Did she get remarried to an aluminum-siding salesman and have six kids and end up living in Kansas?

GD: No, actually she is married to Fabian. I haven’t been married since then. It will happen. But when it does, the highway patrol won’t be involved. It will be a simple, private family affair. 

[All evidence indicates that Griffin’s first wife was Kate Netter Forte. I actually read about this on the website whodatedwho but since that website is a dubious source, I mentally filed that under the ‘Unsubstantiated’ category and didn’t look into it any further. Kate’s father was producer Douglas Netter, and it’s reported that she met the former teen idol Fabian on the set of the film Disco Fever, where she played a character named Jill. She’s in about the halfway point of the film. Forte was married to Fabian from 1980 to 1990. She was the president of Harpo films for 18 years before being let go in 2013. Some of the films she helped produce include Tuesdays with Morrie and The Great Debaters.]

[Victoria Hamburg is a producer who helped produce the Keanu Reeves film Johnny Mnemonic (1995), directed by Robert Longo]

[little-bookshelf-dragon]

February Wrap Up (Finally)

Okay! So I’m finally getting to this...five days late. Oops. Just to clear that up, I started a reading journal towards the end of February and wanted to do entries for the month of February before making this post. I’m hoping that this will help me organize my thoughts for my reviews. So I can actually... post reviews. 

Anyway. Here we go! I’m going to begin with my overall thoughts and then go into my stats and put reviews under the cut so if you haven’t read these books and want to avoid spoilers you can! 

Overall thoughts on this month’s reading: 

I DNF’d one-third of my TBR this month (two of six. I say one third like it’s so many more than that). It’s a little funny that I had so much more success with the books I hadn’t actually planned to read than my TBR. I’m also kind of surprised that I made it through some of the books that I did, when I DNF’d other books for similar reasons. I did go into this month knowing that this was going to be a difficult bunch of books to get through, 

I think I’m going to have to adjust my Goodreads reading challenge. I’ve already more than halfway through it and its only February. I'm honestly surprised. I didn’t think I was going to make it through the 52 I had planned.  

Stats for this month: 

Total Books Read (Finished): 18 

DNF’d Books: 2

Books I need to Finish: 4

All-Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by Saundra Mitchell, et al. 

City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling

We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson 

Academic Books: 3

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by  Willaim Shakespeare 

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

Ratings: 

Five Stars: 5

Four Stars: 7

Three Stars: 4

Two Stars: 2

One Star:  0

Spoilery Reviews Under the Cut! 

DNF’d Books: 

Frozen by Melissa De LaCruz and Micheal Johnston

It was a weird book. In general. And then the Scene that implied sexual assault happened, and I had to stop reading. I just couldn’t bring myself to finish it. 

Ender’s Game By Orson Scott Card

I was having trouble getting into the book in the first place, and then I realized that these were six year old kids. Being trained for war. Against aliens. As I have a sister who’s six, this didn’t sit well with me. 

Two Star Books:

Echo by Alyson Noel 

I was really dissappointed in this book. I really enjoyed the first book in the Soul Seekers book, Fated. I liked the worldbuilding, the relationship between Daire and Dace, the concept of the Echo. But I had too many complaints about this book. Mainly with Cade. I feel like I could have liked him more if he had some actual development and clearer motivations. Though, I think the attempted rape scene was a little much (that’s an understatement.) I think it would be nice if there were a YA book where the female MC wasn’t assaulted, or at least that addresses it properly afterward. 

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas

I’m honestly surprised that I finished this one, after I DNF’d another book for similar things happening. I didn't like Feyre much. She didn't seem to have much moe to her character other than painting and hunting. For someone who was meant to be so strong willed, she seemed to change her mind too easily. Rhysand...I don’t know where it start with him. He’s not much of one here, but it’s pretty obvious that they’re setting him up as a love interst in the later books. Can we stop having abusive boyfriends in YA lit? Tamlin was a little pathetic. Maybe don’t alienate the one person that’s your shot at freedom? Maybe? Feyre and Tamilin’s relationship was cute, but it wasn't really all that convincing. 

Three Star Books:

The Maze Runner by James Dashner

The Maze runner was good. I’m not sure if it was good enough to deserve the hype it received. I did not like that there was so much that was left unanswered in the beginning. It’s one thing to withhold information to create interest. It’s another to taunt your readers by having a character ask the questions, and the others refusing to give an answer. I did think the ending was an interesting twist, to stage a ‘rescue’ and then have it turn out to be apart of the trials. 

Love Drugged by James Klise 

There’s...a lot to unpack with this one. At first, the general premise made me feel a little sick. I almost stopped reading it several times thoughtout the book, especially when the chaacters described being gay as a disease. But by the time I finished, I think I understood better. Jamie was being mainipulated, not just by the doctor, but by society to think that way. His journey to discover and understand himself leads to his desperate actions in an effort to escape that manipulation. It’s heartbreaking to know that Jamie's thoughts were based off of off the author’s when he was around the same age.   

Take Two by Julia Devillers & Jennifer Roy 

I was kind of disappointed in this book. I loved the first one when I was younger, so the fact that I didn’t feel the same about the sequel is a let down. Though I guess that might have to do with the difference in age between the times I read them   

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne 

Four Star books: 

Mockingjay by Suzzane Collins 

I cried so much reading this book. Katniss yelling at Buttercup at the end broke me. Her “for Prim” before the execution was beautiful (I’ll admit it took me some time to realize she was hinting at what she was planning to do.) Cinna having a part in the rebellion even after his death. The amount that Haymitch cares about Peeta and Katniss. UGH the feels. I did have a problem with the pacing. I felt like all the action was squeezed in at teh end. And Peeta and Katniss’s relationship seemed to seesaw between them in it’s one-sidedness throughout the series. 

Duel Of Fire by Jordan Rivet 

I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. Especially at he beginning, I thought the characters were annoying. But that GROWTH. By the end, I loved the characters. I had a hunch about who the rebels were, but I wasn’t sure until they were revealed. I loved the magic system and world building, and I can’t wait to see how the story will be developed in the next book and the rest of the series. 

Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson

This was my first Brandon Sanderson book and I was not disappointed. The concept was interesting, the Epics having a specific weakness kept them from being overpowered, and I loved the fact that  the “Normal people” weere the heroes (For the most part.) I KNEW there was somehing up wiht Megan. But Steelheart’s weakness completely threw me off. I had so many theories, but I was wrong on all of them. That was a plot twist done well. 

City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare

(I’m actually not going to include my notes here because they turned into more of a rant at the characters than an actual reveiw) 

Galatea by Madaline Miller

I want more of this. Any additional content, I want it. It says something that she felt the only way to escape was to die (And take her husband with her). I REALLY want to know what happened with their daughter.  

The Skin I’m In by Sharon G. Flake 

This is a reread for me. I read tthis book when I, I believe,  was the same age as Maleeka. And at the time, while I had never been in the same situations she’s in, I could still relate to her. Now, as an adult working with students Maleeka’s age, I see my students. It gives me a better insight to what might be going on in their homes, thoughts, and attitudes. This is a book that so many of them should read, just like so many of them could use a Ms. Saunderson. 

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by Willaim Shakespeare

Five Star books:

Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare 

This book. This book. I audiobooked most of it, which meant that I was listening to it in class while working. Which means I cried. During class. This is one of the few love triangles I think I’ve ever really liked and am actually emotionally invested in. I fully understand the hype around this series. I can't wait to pick up the next one.   

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo

After finishing the audiobook, I'm sitting here trying to find the words to describe how much this means to me. How many of Xiomara's thoughts and feelings I relate to. And I just can't find the words. I can't remember the last time a book meant this much to me. Wanting to find my own voice. Beginning to question the religion that has been such a big part of my life for a long time. Feeling like I have to hide parts of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, everything I wish I could say but can't, from people I care about. Wanting my own writing to mean something to others. I wish I could put what I'm feeling into words, but I'm struggling. I cried. I need a copy of this book. I loved it so much.

Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen

I feel like Dessen’s books follow a pattern. I’ve only read three so far, but I’m able to see the similarities. However, that dosn't stop them from being unique. Sydney’s problems are different from Macy’s, whose are different from Collie’s. So while the books are similar enought to notice a pattern,  they’re unique enough to keep the reader’s interest. I wouldn’t say that Saint Anything has impacted me as much as some books have, but I did still enjoy it. Also, a moment of appreciation for instances of sexual assault handled correctly? It's rare to see the subject addressed in a book after it happens. Though I would have loved to see Ames prosecuted. We need to tell girls it's okay to speak up about these things.

Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan

I loved this. I’m not even sue how to put it all inot words. First of all, Saskia getting expelled? Excellent. That girl made me so mad. Messing with Lila’s feelings was bad enough, but hen going stalker, assualting her, and then outing her to the entire school? I think I would have liked to see even more of a punishment, honestly. Maybe someting from her parents. LISA. I loved Lisa. I’m so happy she and Leila ended up together. They both deserved to be happy and I’m so happy they got to be happy together. I was so emotional after finishing this book.  

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen 

I’m not going to go too in depth because then this would be way too long but this is my favorite book that I’ve had to read for a calss. Ever. 

[hymn2000]

Freeze - MCU AU Fanfic - C19

Previous chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Story synopsis:- When a burst gas main destroys everything and leaves Peter with nothing, the Stark’s take him in. Thrown together by necessity, they then need to try to keep it together and build a new life. Devastated by loss, Peter doesn’t make things easy for them, and Loki and Tony struggle with their own grief and the responsibility of having someone completely dependant on them.

Chapter description:- Life takes another turn as the rest of Peter’s classmates rejoin the class after their trip

Story warnings/themes: character death, hurt/comfort, trauma, grief, depression/mental health issues, bullying, corporal punishment

Relationships: Frostiron (Loki x Tony) (romantic), Tony and Peter (platonic), Loki and Peter (platonic)

From the same AU as Called To Be A Rock

Chapter 19 - And They Call Themselves Friends

-

True to his word, Peter slept most of the weekend. He was wiped out, physically and emotionally. Malaki hadn’t been back on Friday, so he had another tired, lonely day at school. Taking his school uniform off on Friday after school felt great. He flopped down on his bed and slept soundly until 9am on Saturday. He got up and had something to eat and went down to the lab with Tony, but by 1pm his head was nodding and Tony told him to go and have a lie down.

On Sunday, Tony was out, so Thor came round to keep an eye on him, which was easy work, as the boy was asleep for the most part. 

It ended up feeling like a bit of a wasted weekend, and Monday morning came as a bit of a shock. Peter hid under the covers, hoping that if he was found all hot and sweaty, and if he put on a croaky voice, Tony might let him stay home. All the kids who had been on the Spanish trip were going to be back today. Peter just knew they’d all be Nigel’s and Wendy’s, and he wasn’t prepared to deal with that. He wasn’t strong enough.

-

His plan of pulling a sickie didn’t work. Tony just shook his head and said; “Nice try”, and made him get up and get ready for school anyway. 

“The rest of your class will be back, won’t they?” Tony said. “You should be able to settle into the routine a bit better now”

Peter didn’t bother telling him that that was exactly why he was dreading going. He decided he’d just have to grin and bear it - but he didn’t feel much like smiling.

-

Peter sat on the end of the front right hand row in the form room, pretending to be really interested in his white board. The classroom was already fuller than last week, and the new voices and noisy chatter were most off-putting. He fiddled with a dry-erase marker, picking at the sponge on the top of the cap. He had horrible heart palpitations. He was just waiting for one of these new voices to start scoffing about Common Muck with Scholarships.

-

Three girls entered the form room, arms linked, talking together. The girl in the middle stopped, spotting Peter. 

“Oooh, new kid” she said, glancing to either friend. “He’s cute, don’t you think?”

One of the other girls laughed. “You really have no filter. Well, go and say hello then!”

The girl unlinked herself from her friends, jumping forward, planting her hands on the desk in front of Peter, making him jump.

“Hi! You’re new, aren’t you? I’m Millie!” she looked over her shoulder at her friends. “That’s Florence and Macy”

“It’s Flo” Florence said. “Everyone calls me Flo”

Peter blinked at them, unsure how to react to their sunny, friendly personalities. A voice behind him piped up:

“That’s Peter. He doesn’t talk much”

“Oooh” Millie tapped the white board on the desk. “Is that why you’ve got this?”

Peter nodded, and jumped again as Ms Hathersage appeared.

“Quiet now, you lot! You have exactly four minutes until the bell, and I want absolute silence”

No one else seemed phased by her. Flo tapped Peter’s desk.

“This is our row”

Peter’s heart beat faster. This was it. They’d turn on him now.

“I always sit at the end” Flo said. “Do you mind moving up one?” 

“Honestly Flo, you are so particular sometimes” Macy said, scooting past the back of Peter’s chair and taking the seat at the other end of the row, up against the wall. 

Millie sat next to Macy, and patted the chair beside her. Peter obediently moved over, and Flo took his place. She smiled gratefully at him.

“Thank you” she put her bag down, and spotted Peter’s satchel. “Oh wow, I love your bag! It’s brand new, isn’t it? Where ever did you get it?”

“Flo! Stop badgering him!” Millie laughed. “Ignore her, Peter. She’s got about a million bags already - she doesn’t need to copy you”

“Amelia, quiet now” Ms Hathersage said, and started to take the register.

“She thinks I talk too much” Millie whispered to Peter. “Flo talks lots more than I do, though” 

“Amelia, I’ve already asked you once!”

Millie put a hand up in apology, but as soon as Ms Hathersage’s back was turned, she rolled her eyes. Peter smiled slightly. He liked her.

-

Peter did worry that they were all just being polite, but when the bell rang, Millie and Flo linked arms with him while Macy danced ahead. In Geography, they insisted that he joined them on their table, and Mr Tucker didn’t object. 

Peter felt almost comfortable. These girls were kind, and they didn’t act weirdly about him not speaking. They included him in their conversation and gossiped about the teachers and other students. 

Peter looked at them.

Millie was definitely the leader of the pack. She was a conventionally attractive girl, with shoulder-length dark brown, almost black hair, with sparkling green eyes in her round face. She radiated confidence. 

Flo was definitely the most attractive of the group. She was sweet and bubbly, with porcelain skin and long blonde, almost white hair all the way down her back. She seemed happier daydreaming and doodling in her notebook than paying attention in lessons.

Macy was a bit of a mix. She was calm and collected in class, a little mad outside of it, and she knew exactly how to manage her friends. She had short, medium-brown hair, mostly covered by a headband. She seemed distracted, somehow, but happy.

Peter thought they were all very real people.

-

The three waited at the end of the lesson, making sure Peter didn’t get left behind. They all sighed in an exaggerated fashion as soon as they’d left Mr Tucker’s classroom.

“Thank God for that! I hate Geography more and more every day” Millie said, linking Peter’s arm.

“Me too” Flo said, linking Peter’s other arm. 

“What? Geography’s a laugh - it’s the teacher that’s the problem!” Macy said, prancing ahead.

Peter suddenly realised that she might be a show-off. She seemed to perform her part of the conversation as they went down the corridor, spinning on her toes and clapping and somehow managing to never crash into anyone. 

Peter decided he might like her best. 

“Hey, Peter!” Macy said, stopping suddenly. “Have you had the bagels yet?”

Peter blinked at her.

“Aww, no way! You must try one: they’re the best! I’ll buy today, ok?”

Peter nodded. He didn’t see the need to protest.

-

Macy went off to join the queue in the dining hall, while Millie and Flo took Peter over to a round table at the back of the hall by the coffee machine. He still felt a little nervous. These girls all had big personalities, and he still couldn’t shake the feeling that they were just taking pity on him. 

“So, why have you joined in the middle of the term?” Flo asked. 

Peter didn’t really want to share his story with them. Still, he got out his whiteboard. 

I moved house and my old school was too far away to keep going to. 

Flo nodded. “Oh, right. That’s a bit rubbish”

Peter nodded slightly. Millie smiled at him.

“Are you cold? You’re shaking”

He didn’t want to tell her that he was scared, so he just nodded.

“Aww. You’ll warm up after you’ve eaten”

At that moment, Macy appeared and handed them all cheese and tomato bagels. 

“The food here is great, trust me” she said, taking a seat. 

Peter didn’t feel hungry, but didn’t want to seem rude, so he took a bite when the others did. He was pleasantly surprised. These bagels really were good. He was quite content sat back eating and listening to the girls talking. 

Once he’d finished, he wrote them a question.

Are you all boarders?

Millie shook her head. “Flo and I live with our families not too far away from here. Macy boards though, don’t you, Mace?”

Macy looked up from filing her nails. “Yes, I live Bay Laurel. That’s the girls house. I go home during the holidays though. What about you? Are you boarding?”

I live with my guardians

“I wish I did” Macy said. “But they live in Canada. It would be a long daily commute”

How long have you been boarding for?

“Since I was six. I was at the sister school, and then I moved into Bay Laurel when I was ten, going on eleven. I had some friends moving up with me, so that was nice. We helped each other pack and it made the move easier”

“I used to board” Flo said. “When I was really little, I went to a boarding school a few states over. But it didn’t work out, so father brought me over to St Hendricks so I was closer to home”

“Well” Millie said. “I’m glad I don’t board. We all know the boarding master in Scotts-Pine has a cane”

“Don’t get into trouble and it’s not a problem” Macy said, grinning. “I love how you say it like your father doesn’t own one! Peter? What are you looking so worried about?”

Peter didn’t respond. He knew they might think he was weird if he started asking questions of the corporal-punishment-in-schools variety. 

“You know, I hope I’m not overstepping the mark” Macy said. “But I heard Nigel talking in the queue. He said your family are all gone and that’s why you moved here”

Peter was horrified. How did Nigel know about that? He sighed deeply, looking down at his whiteboard. Millie squeezed his hand.

“You don’t have to tell us”

Peter nodded, but decided he did. If he got it out of the way now, he wouldn’t have to do it again.

My parents both died when I was little, so I lived with my aunt and uncle. My uncle died years ago, and my aunt died in January. I couldn’t stay in Queen’s on my own, so a family friend and their partner took me in. 

Tears filled his eyes, and he looked away quickly. The girls exchanged shocked looks, and Millie took control of the situation.

“Aww, don’t cry! Oh Peter!” she hugged him tight, and he hugged her back. “How awful! I’m so sorry to hear that”

The other two joined in the hug. 

“I’m sorry for your loss. I know it’s hard” Macy said.

“It really does get easier” Flo said. “Thank you for telling us. You didn’t need to do that. We didn’t want to upset you”

Peter couldn’t help crying, not only because of what had happened, but also because these girls were being so kind to him. 

-

The three looked after Peter, getting him a drink and making him laugh to take his mind off it all. Peter appreciated their efforts, although his tears of sadness were very nearly replaced with ones of happiness. Everything that had happened with Ryan and his gang at the other school had left him so isolated and hopeless, so much so that it felt as though kindness was a thing of the past. These girls had proved that theory wrong. 

-

The girls stayed with him throughout the next two lessons, and all through lunch. His appetite still wasn’t great, but Millie introduced him to the pasta queue, and somehow a bowl of pasta and cheese was all he needed. He’d never known it taste so good.

Peter had to see Miss Marns in fourth period, but they came and found him just before fifth so they could go together.

“This is literally a dream come true” Macy said, rereading the brief. 

“Snakes don’t often feature in my dreams” Millie said. “Why are we making snakes? Textiles should be dresses, skirts, maybe even bags!! Not snakes!”

“Make a snake wearing a dress then” Macy said, as though it were an obvious solution. “I’m totally tattooing mine”

“How can you tattoo something made of cloth?” Flo said. 

“By drawing them on! Honestly Flo, stop asking silly questions” she shook her head, and looked at Peter. “What are you thinking for yours?”

Glass eyes

“I don’t think there’s any in here. Maybe you can use buttons?” she said. “Are you any good at sewing?”

Peter shrugged. 

“I’m rubbish at it” Millie said. “At least, I’m rubbish at sewing machines. I can hand-sew ok”

Peter looked down at the brief. He wasn’t sure he’d be any good at sewing, and he didn’t have any ideas about how to design it. He kept thinking about Loki. A part of him wanted to make it for him, but the overwhelming reality that no one knew where he was right now was enough to stunt his idea. He sighed. 

“What about this?” Macy said, shoving an IPad under his nose. “Do you think you could make one like this? I like its little fangs”

“That snake would destroy you, given half the chance” Flo said, peering at the cobra on the screen. She took the IPad and started typing. “You want a cute snake for a toy, surely. Something like this”

She showed them a photo of a corn snake. 

“It’s got massive eyes” Millie said. “We could always use Marlin for inspiration”

Peter looked at her.

“Marlin is my brothers snake” Millie said. “It’s a ball python. I don’t see it often because it lives in his room, but sometimes we put it in the paddling pool just to watch it swim”

“It wiggles” Macy nodded. “I’m not making a boring snake. I’m having a king cobra-type tattooed snake. Can snakes have piercings? I might make a gangster snake”

She looked so serious that Peter couldn’t help but laugh. She glanced at him, and then nodded triumphantly at the other two.

“Peter likes my idea” she stuck her tongue out at them.

“Macy!” Ms Castleton snapped. “Don’t be so rude! That was very unladylike”

“Sorry, Ms Castleton” Macy said, but she crossed her fingers behind her back. 

Peter saw this, and looked at her fondly. 

“What are you staring at?” she said, and stuck her tongue out at him when Ms Castleton’s back was turned.

Peter hesitated and returned the favour. Macy grinned, moving her chair closer to his and pretending to look at his work over his shoulder.

“You’re gonna be just fine here”

-

Tony watched out of the car window as Peter was hugged goodbye. A minute later, Peter opened the passenger door and climbed into the car. 

“Hey kiddo”

Peter pulled the door closed, flopping back in his seat.

“I’ve gotta go to the shops to pick up a few bits before we go home, ok?”

Peter nodded. 

“I’ll try to be quick” 

-

Peter fell asleep in the car after they’d been to the shops. Tony was worried, as he hadn’t said a word since he’d picked him up. Sure, Peter didn’t really talk to strangers any more, and he didn’t speak at school, but he’d mostly stayed talkative with him and Loki. 

He gave him a little shake when they got back to the house, and they went to the kitchen together.

“So” Tony said, switching the kettle on. “How was school?”

Peter just shrugged.

“I saw those girls hugging you. Friends of yours?”

“Oh” Peter didn’t realise he’d been seen. “Um”

“Are they some of the people who were away on the Spanish trip?” Tony pressed.

Peter nodded. 

Tony sighed. “What’s up with you today?? Cat got your tongue?”

Peter just shrugged again. Tony sighed again, and shook his head.

“Go and get changed, and then get your homework done”

-

Peter sat doing his homework in silence. Tony gave him a poke.

“Hey, do you want a snack?”

Peter shook his head. Tony watched him working for a minute.

“Are you ok?”

Peter shook his head again. 

“Talk to me?”

Another shake of the head. Tony didn’t know what to do. He tried to give him a hug, but Peter leant away from him and wouldn’t let him. Tony sighed and left the kitchen, going downstairs and checking the post. He sighed heavily and threw the letters down on the cabinet. Nothing of importance. Still no word from Loki. It was a worrying development, or lack thereof. He didn’t know what to think.

-

Tony caught Peter on the way to his room.

“What’s the matter? You know you can talk to me”

Peter shook his head and tried to wriggle free. Tony held on tighter. 

“You can’t bottle it up forever, kiddo”

Peter pushed his hands away and darted into his room, shutting the door behind him. He wasn’t in the mood for an ultimatum. 

-

Tony kept his distance for a while, but soon time was getting on, so he knocked on Peter’s door. 

“Peter?” There was no reply. “I’m coming in now”

He opened the door and found the boy fast asleep. He sighed and gave him a good shake, waking him up.

“We need to think about getting you fed”

“...’m not hungry”

Tony seized him under the arms and sat him up. 

“Oww! That hurt!”

“Sorry. Right, you need to tell me what’s going on with you” he said. “Are you just tired? Is that it?”

Peter shrugged. 

“Peter, stop being so evasive”

“I don’t want to talk to you! Leave me alone!”

“Peter-”

“No!”

“Oh fine then, be that way” Tony snapped. He checked his watch. “Ok, it’s half seven now. If you’re not in the kitchen by eight o’ clock, you’re not having any tea tonight”

-

Peter went into a sulk. He decided he didn’t care, he didn’t want to speak, and he wasn’t hungry - certainly not for anything made by the likes of Tony. 

But, sulking was hard work. He was determined not to show his face, but he started clock-watching, and at five to eight he cracked. He rushed to the kitchen and buried his face in Tony’s chest.

“I need to talk to you!”

He told him about Millie and Macy and Flo, and his fears that they were just hanging out with him out of pity. He told him everything that had happened that day, and started talking about textiles.

“-so I thought, y’know, I could make it for Loki, but he’s not here any more, and so there’s no point, and I was so horrible to him before he left and now I feel so guilty and a miss him so much and, and-”

“Ok, ok, sweetheart, shh” Tony hugged him close. “It’s ok, chick”

“I want him to come back!”

“I know. I know you do. He’ll come back when he’s ready”

“No he won’t! He won’t ever want to be near me again! I was so hateful to him”

“It’s not your fault he left. He will come back; he promised he would” Tony said firmly. “When he’s ready, and not a moment before”

Peter rested his forehead against Tony’s shoulder, breathing deeply. He knew he needed to believe Tony. After all, he knew him better than anyone else. 

“I just want him to hurry up”

“I know. Try not to think about it. You’ve got other stuff to focus on. School, for a start, and your new friends”

Peter stood back slightly. “Do you really think they’re friends?”

“Sure” Tony said. “They’ll come running up to you tomorrow morning, you’ll see”

“What if you’re wrong?”

Tony smiled. “What if I’m not? Come on, lets get you fed”

*

[koganphrancis]

And Now Shameless Slanders The Littlest Milkovich?  FUCK YOU

My recap of Season H8 Episode H8

They really had Vee refer to Yevgeny as a “little psychopath”, just to retcon every decent Milkovich that ever was.  Completely unnecessary and untrue, and WHERE THE FUCK IS IAN, WHY ISN’T HE IN THIS KID’S LIFE ANYMORE, HE STATED FLAT OUT HE LOVED YEVGENY.  Thank goodness there’s a gif of a Henckel flipping the bird to help me through this trying time.

I’ll try to temper my bitterness for the rest of this, but I make no guarantees.  

That horrific remark about an innocent child aside, this episode had little to get me riled up over-it was one of the most boring episodes they’ve ever done-every week they seem to outdo themselves on that front.  

This piece of shit-pardon me-episode was written by day-to-day showrunner Nancy Pimental and it was either her lame attempt at trying to win Macy that Emmy OR her purposely sabotaging him, because his storyline was the longest and most painfully unfunny this week.  

Also it was directed by Emmy Rossum and she gave herself a shit ton of close ups which I suppose is her prerogative and heaven knows the writer didn’t give her much story to shoot.  

This week opens with the dog Rusty staring at a still in bed Fiona and kicks off the aforementioned close ups.  I still want that dog to be explained-the law isn’t “dogs that have eaten human flesh must be destroyed-unless someone’s willing to take a chance on rescuing them”.  Why is there zero fucking research on this show?

Meanwhile, Franny’s screaming but Debs is too busy in the bathroom taking a half dozen pregnancy tests and acting like the world owes her something-that will be her theme throughout the episode, as it has been for the past few seasons. 

Nancy tries to capture some of that “all the Gallaghers in one place at one time” magic by having everyone crowd around the bathroom and giving Ian his first spoiled toddler line of the ep, “Guess I won’t shower today-gonna get filthy anyway cleaning that shitty building my sister found for homeless kids.”  Whatever that meaningful moment on Ian’s bed was last episode is being forgotten or ignored by this dumbass show.  Will it ever be revisited?  Who knows. 

Lip, who this season is like Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched and seems to have this compelling need to insert himself into other people’s drama while ignoring his own, volunteers to take Debbie to Planned Parenthood where she again acts like a total bitch who needs a reality check, and where Lip just happens to be there to see Charlie (Snore’s ex) walk in with a very pregnant woman.  Such fortuitous timing!

There’s a gross scene of Carl peeing into a toilet between Kassidi’s legs as she sits on the back of the toilet-good god, Nancy, is that what you think the kids are into these days?  All I’m gonna say about Kassidi is that she’s exactly like Sammi only younger and even more charmless.  Whoever the fuck thought the show needed that vibe back needs to be fired.  And I get that Carl is supposed to be thinking with his self-inflicted deformed dick, but, really?  After seeing his father and Monica over the years, plus living with Sammi for a bit, he wouldn’t know enough to run from that type of chick?

Frank has this totally convoluted “only on Shameless” business venture going where he’s going to smuggle immigrants who feel unsafe in the USA over the Canadian border and bring back his car loaded with prescription drugs.  Sure, Frank.  Anyway, the only scene of note in the many long and boring scenes he got this week is when he’s listing talented Canadians-and when he DOESN’T say “Noel Fisher” we all hear it anyway and laugh at this lame show for letting all that talent go.  Assholes.  

Instead of recycling Mickey’s shirts this week, the show does something even more stupid: they use the VFW hall where Mickey got married as the new youth shelter AND they use the basement where Mickey and Ian banged before his wedding as the food bank Debbie goes to!  Okay, Cam, I gotta say, that’s a version of audacious-reminding us of those classic Mickey moments the show can’t come close to having using any of the characters they’ve kept on.  

Speaking of Mickey (not that the show ever does), Nancy tries to recreate some of that old Mickey magic with having Terror call Ian a “Negative Nellie” when he bitches some more about the new youth shelter.  Pinning nicknames on Ian is a Mickey thing only-why are they constantly reminding us of the gaping holes that losing Noel has left?

Anyway, here’s how Nancy tried to bring some shit talking South Side back into the show: Ian: This place is a dump. Terror (to Geneva): Don’t listen to Negative Nellie he’s still mad about the church. I: (sarcastic) Ye-ah, cuz you got pity fucked by my sister with this building. T: (imitates Ian) Ye-ah-and she was really good.

Side note-can you imagine Ian ever trying to joke with Mickey about him fucking his sister?  Sheesh.

I: I bet-she’s great at getting what she wants and screwing everybody else.

WTF?  Has Nancy ever seen the show?  Fiona always winds up screwing herself over.  I’m not a huge fan of Fiona’s big sister act, but even I can admit she sacrificed a lot for her younger siblings and never did things to screw them while advancing herself.  The thing Ian should be mad about is Fiona’s comments about Mickey-and even then she didn’t screw Mickey or Ian, she just said some stupid shit that Ian didn’t have to listen to.

Anyway, Geneva tells Ian and Terror about the gay conversion church, so now I know taking on organized religion wasn’t what Ian referred to as “larger concerns”.  One of the youths tried to commit suicide after being subjected to it, so Ian and Terror go visit him and the kid holds up his bandaged wrists and asks if they like his hot wristbands and even though it’s canon that Ian witnessed his mother moments after she slit her wrists and Terror spent his prom night in an emergency room because he slit his, neither of them bat an eye or react in any way to the kid’s injuries.  

Emmy throws in a way too long scene of Fiona dancing around in her underwear (after more way too long Frank scenes).  Again it amazes me how this show just recycles the same shit over and over-anyone remember Fiona’s happy dance in the church she went to check out for her and Sean to get married in?  

Ford catches her in the act and entices her to go out and look at Chicago architecture with him-I want the jobs that either of them have where they have all the free time in the world to lollygag.  And why is the show wasting all this time on all this crap in one episode?  Paint drying on those historic buildings would’ve been more interesting to watch than this hour of television.  

At the end of their tour, Ford shows her the inside of a house he’s working on (all by himself, apparently, I guess he doesn’t work with a crew) and asks her to lie down on an improbably placed mattress and she’s a tad hesitant at first, but when she does it, he points out art on the ceiling to her.  She’s impressed with its beauty and then starts making out with Ford in a total recreation of Ian with Faileb and thinking that guys who show any bit of interest in them as people must want to fuck them.  It was stupid with Faileb, it’s stupid with Ford.  

There’s a scene somewhere along the line with Kev and Vee that’s bordering on spousal abuse-I really wish they’d end this “Kev grows some balls” idea immediately. "Big neanderthal man” is not a thinking person’s idea of an ideal partner.  

Ugh, now for more of the Ian crap.  He goes home and asks if they have a Bible laying around.  He finds one, and the next day-THE VERY NEXT DAY-he and Terror go to the gay conversion church and Ian gets into a Bible quoting match with the pastor/minister/whatever he is.  I’m sure Cam was hard as a rock thinking he was coming off like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, but the movie character I was thinking of was Rain Man-how else could he have memorized several Bible passages overnight unless he’s some sort of idiot savant?  

Terror is basically an Ian accessory in the scene-a backpack or a briefcase or a Trapper Keeper, holding Ian’s Bible for him until he needs it.  And the whole, “We’ll probably be banging again soon” right after Terror calls himself Ian’s ex was stupid-not funny or sexy, which I bet was what good old Nancy was going for. 

Cut to a scene of Snore getting a bit of a story thread that they probably originally kicked around for Mandy, and she has the triggering line that she’ll “run away to Mexico” if her father is released from prison.  Sure, Snore, whatever.  

Then there’s the scene where Kev is trying out his domineering dick act for the second time this ep on Svetlana, and Vee gets turned on and hands Yev over to Svetlana calling him that P word.  Fuck you, bitch.  I hope Svetlana is scheming to fuck Kev and Vee over big time-they have a scene where it looks like Svet’s doing that, but with this show, who knows if it’ll be alluded to again?

In the time it took Ian and Terror and the refugees from the gay conversion church to walk to the youth shelter, a video a person recorded at the church on her phone has been uploaded to You Tube and Geneva tells Ian it has a thousand hits already-cuz, yeah, Nance, that’s how the You Tube works.  Homeless kids working to clean up a dilapidated building have their iPhones turned on to get alerts whenever a video that has anything to do with gays gets posted to YT and they all drop everything and watch it.  

The only other thing I want to mention is the preview for next week-they show a quick clip of Ian and Terror pulling their shirts off that’s a ripoff of Mickey and Ian’s first time, a shot of Ian watching Terror asleep next to him in his bed where he’s awkwardly as fuck touching his face, and then a clip of Ian saying, “Kinda nice-us being a thing again.”  (WHAT HAPPENED TO GET OFF MY PORCH, DICK????  But I digress.)  Terror answers, “Jury’s still out.”  Well, if by jury he means FANS, we handed down our verdict a long time ago.  

I wonder if the show is trying to set up them finding their way to be a “true” couple (GAG), and then “tragedy” will strike and pull them apart when Ian gets arrested and they think  it’ll be poignant and painful for the fans, when actually we’ll be cheering and yelling, “Throw Ian in prison for 15 years, bitches!  Throw away the key and don’t have anyone visit!  Have Terror say it’s too painful for him to see him behind glass like that!!!!”  

But then again, this show is so inconsistent maybe that’s not where they’re headed at all.  Maybe they just think Ian needs the chase to stay interested, and for some misguided reason the writers think that’s what the fans want to see.  

We really, really don’t, though.  

And I can’t say it enough: Fuck this show for that line about little Yev.  It seemed like another very deliberate slap to the face of Mickey Milkovich fans everywhere.  

[winchester-sisters-imagines]

Treat You Better

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Words: 1,010

Forever Tag List: @capandbuck @bummblebeeblue @sarbear429 @bea789 @xtina2191 @lovethefandomsuniverse @evyiione @trustnobodyshootfirst @motleymoose @thegoodhunterrr5 @bookaddictedhedgehog @gurlwitafro@ohmystars30 @aquabrie @fanboyswhereare-you @percussiongirl2017 @dionnemaria @sherlockslove112 @sesshomaru-lover @freaksforthewin @neishax-butler @hi-pixzza @cookee50 @captainidjit @imasunflower13 @clairedelalune @swimmer-sarcasm @lovelife-tothefullest @dylcole @almightyunnie @winchesterswantmypie @exploratiionist @dolliegirl16 @aworldwideapart @i-want-to-be-watered-by-roger @captaindaudreystark

Request: Hiii! I was wondering if you could do an Sam x Reader imagine inspired by Shawn Mendes' new song "Treat you better "? Love you! - @supernaturalfan057

Author’s Note: Hey! Sorry this took forever and a day to write. Title is taken from Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes. I really love writing Sam. 

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“Hey, Sam,” she said as she slid into the booth. “Sorry, I’m late.”

“It’s fine,” I said, taking a sip of my water. “I’m just glad you came.”

“Me too. Works been a bitch and a half. I wasn’t sure I could take lunch out of the office.”

I nodded. Ever since Stanford graduation, I’ve been trying to get Y/N to hang out with me. I know she’s been busy with her new job at a local law office here in Stanford, but I miss my best friend.

We met during our first year at Stanford; having all our classes expect one together. Y/N suggested we form a study group with us, Brady and a few others, and well, we’ve been friends ever since. I watched Y/N trail her eyes over the menu. She looked beautiful than normal. Her hair was pinned back, letting the world see her big, bright eyes.

Y/N’s eyes flicked up and locked on mine. I looked away and felt the heat rising to my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her gently shake her head and go back to the menu.

After a few minutes, the waitress came to our booth and took our orders. “So,” Y/N said after the waitress walked away. “Are you still with Jess?”

I shook my head. “Actually, no.”

“Oh.”

“It’s fine,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I think it was time for us to break up. That spark that we used to have was gone.”

Y/N nodded her head. “I get that.”

“Are you dating anyone?” I asked. I grabbed a packet of sugar and fiddled with it, not really wanting to hear her answer.

“Yeah, I’ve been with Jason for a few months now.”

I snapped my head up. “Jason? As in Jason Whitaker? You’re dating that asshole?”

“Well, Sam, just let it all out,” Y/N said, crossing her arms over her chest. “And he’s not an asshole.”

“Yes, he is,” I said, dropping the sugar packet.

“And how would you know?” Y/N countered me.

“Because Jess was friends with one of his ex-girlfriends, Macy. Macy used to tell Jess all the shitty things that Jason would do to her.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “He’s not an ass, Sam. Jason’s really sweet.”

“Maybe right now,” I pointed out. “This is just the honeymoon phase. His true character will come out soon.”

The waitress returned with our food and we dug in. The only thing that you could hear at our table was the forks clinking with the plates. I know I had struck a nerve with Y/N about Jason, but it’s true. He’s a controlling asshole and she doesn’t deserve someone like that.

Y/N’s phone rang and she answered after the second ring. “Hey, Jason.”

I rolled my eyes at her excitement.

“No, I’m just eating lunch with Sam. No, Sam Winchester…. No, Jason, he’s just a friend…. yeah… of course… I’m heading back right now….. I’ll see you later….”

Y/N sighed as she hung up the phone and tossed it back in her purse. “Is there trouble in paradise?” I asked.

She shot me a look. “I have to go.”

“You’re not even done with your food. And your lunch hour isn’t over yet.”

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Y/N said, trying to wave down the waitress.

“I’ll pay,” I told her. “If Jason will let me.”

“Don’t act like that,” Y/N snapped. She sighed again as she stood up and straightened up her skirt. “Sam, he’s just aggravated that I didn’t tell him about our lunch. It’s fine. He really is a sweet guy.”

“If you say so, Y/N,” I mumbled. She nodded her head and started to walk off, but I grabbed her by the arm. “Listen to me, if he ever hurts you, I’ll kill him.”

“Sam,” she smiled softly and patted my hand. “He’s not going to hurt me, but thanks. And I’ll see you soon.”

It was close to ten before I headed home. I was the only one left in the office, working on an up and coming case that could really put the small firm I work for on the map. I grabbed my bag and locked up, heading to the parking lot for my car.

I saw someone leaning against my car. When I got closer I noticed it was Y/N. Her eyes were red and rimmed like she had been crying. “Hey, are you okay?” I asked her softly.

“Yeah,” Y/N said, wiping her eyes.

“I know you better than that. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I just want to apologize for running out during lunch,” she mumbled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Y/N,” I said, placing my bag on top of my car. I gently rested my hands on her shoulders and felt her tense under my touch. “Did he hurt you?”

“We just had a little fight,” Y/N confessed. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“No,” she shook her head. “We share an apartment and I don’t really want to see him at this moment.”

“Damnit,” I whispered.

“I know this looks bad, Sam, I know. But he’s –“ Y/N started.

I cut her off quick. “Listen to me, Y/N, he’s not a good guy. You deserve someone who would worship you and the ground you walk on. Not some jackass that gets mad when you have lunch with a friend.”

“Well, where is that guy? Because I can’t find him,” tears slipped down her cheeks.

“He’s right here,” I said, taking my hands off her shoulders. “I could do that for you and more. I would treat you right. I do treat you right. Why can’t you see that?”

Y/N opened her mouth but was cut off by the sound of her phone ringing. She dug through her purse and sighed. “It’s him.”

“Don’t answer it. I’ll take you to my place and you can stay there and Jason can fuck off.”

“I can’t, Sam,” she whispered, answering the phone. “Hey, Jason…”

[hemsworths-chris]

do you wanna be a member?

JILY CHALLENGE | @howlingremus​ vs @queensaphrodite​          lonely hearts club (marina and the diamonds) + muggle librarian!au

for my amazing partner, @queensaphrodite! and for elena (@meraudurs) and nai (@hiddenpolkadots​), for inspiring me to write and create (and for helping me edit this <3)

The library closes far too early, in her opinion. Sure, it closes at eight, and sure, maybe she ought to try just showing up earlier, but in her defense, it isn’t solely her fault. She only gets off work at five, and there are just so many books to read. How are three hours anywhere near enough?

She frequents the place almost every day, knows it like the back of her hand. But there’s something off about it today. Maybe it’s the fact that the historical fiction section switched places with the biography section, but that was last week.

Lily grabs her books and walks up to the counter to ask Peggy whether or not there’s a copy of Everything, Everything available and oh shit that’s what’s different.

There’s a different librarian - a bloke - at the desk, with hair too messy to be legal, glasses too outdated to be unintentionally bought, and a shirt too wrinkled to ever have come in contact with an iron. He’s the kind of fellow who’d be perfect as the main character as one of the books Lily wants to check out - maybe a Peter Pan or a Percy Jackson kind of fellow.

Lily blinks.

Well, fuck.

He looks up from fiddling with the cuffs of his button-down, meets her gaze for a moment, and cocks an eyebrow.

“You’re the first person under forty I’ve seen so far.” His voice almost seems to echo, and it’s much louder than most librarians tend to be.

Lily can’t even tell if he’s being dense or just kind of cocky, but she’ll place her bet on the latter. It’s clear as day in the way he holds himself - self-assured, unashamed, even a bit arrogant but still good-natured.

She crosses her arms. “That’s not true, and you know it. You’re literally right next to the freaking children’s section.”

The bloke laughs, a sound almost out of place in this quiet library. She owes herself twenty dollars.

“Check and mate, I guess. But then again, it’s not like I can really see them.” He taps his glasses with a ridiculously long finger. “They’re getting smaller every day, I swear.”

Lily even smiles at that for a second, before stuffing it back where it came from. This arrogant, loud-mouthed (they’re in a fucking library, has he no sense of volume?), far-too-handsome idiot has no place in this library of hers.

(All the same, she wouldn’t mind reading about someone like him.)

“Yeah, sure” she says, quickly, trying to get to the point. “Listen, do you guys have another copy of Everything, Everything?”

He shrugs. “Hell if I know.”

Lily is done with this bloke. She makes her way around the desk to where he’s sitting, pushes away his chair (“Oi, what d’ya think you’re doing?” but he doesn’t sound particularly annoyed, just curious), opens up the catalog page on the monitor in front of him (the first thing she sees when she opens it up is a March Madness bracket - she now kind-of-sort-of-really wants to punch the guy), and soundlessly types in the words Everything, Everything.

No more copies available, but there’s one currently on hold. And it’s not hers. Damnit.

The guy standing behind her takes a look at her screen, and she can hear him let out a breath. “Oh, shit, that book? Isn’t that the one with like the mysterious guy and the girl who’s supposed to be sick but - “

Lily hastily shoves out her hand, as if to slap it over his rambling mouth. “No spoilers!” she all but yells. And she realizes that she’s being such a hypocrite right now, so she adds, a little bit more quietly, “Please.”

The bloke smirks, like he knows exactly what she’s thinking. “Alright, then.” He peers over at the screen once more, and Lily presses the power button. She gets up, and moves over to the side of the desk that she ought to be on.

“Well,” she says curtly, trying not to smile (for some reason) at this endearing annoying stranger. “Thanks.”

He grins at her. “Don’t mention it.”

Suddenly, something occurs to Lily. “Hold on,” she says slowly. “You’ve read this book?”

For some reason, the bloke turns red. “Er - um, no? I got it for my friend…Marlene? And like I read the summary on the back -”

Lily smirks. “Liar. You’ve totally read it.”

If possible, he turns even redder - it’s quite a funny sight. “I was bored, alright? And it was lying around - I really had bought it for Marlene - and I…may have skimmed it?”

Lily laughs and tucks a strand of red hair behind her ear.  “Why are you acting so defensive? It’s just a book, relax.”

“Well, it’s not as good as the Percy Jackson series.” Besides the point, but Lily can’t deny that it’s true.

“Fair,” she admits.

She notices a watch on his hand (it looks extraordinarily beat-up, made of old leather and a face of cracked glass), and checks the time. Crap, the library closes in a few minutes. “I really should be going,” she says, making sure she has all the books she wants before turning around.

(She’s not sure if she’s imagining it, but the librarian’s face seems to fall slightly.)

Just as Lily’s about to head back, she hears a quiet “Wait.” She turns around.

“What is it?”

“Er.” The librarian looks…pretty sheepish, and he rubs the back of his neck. “What - what does it say on your shirt?”

Lily almost rolls her eyes, and she pulls back the cardigan she’s wearing.

“I left my heart in a book,” the guy reads. He looks back up at her.

“Is that, like, for a book club or something?”

Lily stares at him in confusion. “Sorry?”

“The shirt - you must’ve got it from some sort of club.”

“I…got it from Macy’s? So no, not a book club.”

He looks quizzically at her. “You know, you should probably make that shirt a book club, then.”

Lily raises an eyebrow. “For hearts in books?”

“Yeah, something like that. Like, aggressive bibliophiles or something.”

She perches herself on the desk, her legs starting to get tired of standing, and almost ends up knocking over a stapler. “Who’d join?”

“I would.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, and I’d grab some friends, too. Get some drinks, maybe some fries, and master the art of abandoning our poor, forsaken hearts in some dusty old books.”

Lily actually lets out a laugh. “I - don’t think that’s what it means.”

“But wouldn’t that be more dramatic?”

Come to think of it, it would be. Lily tries to envision it, but the only thing that really comes to mind is some sort of cult with an obsession for Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley. And they, of course, take their fries with a small cup of blood.

Anyways. She shrugs, and gets off the desk. “You do have a flair for the dramatics, then. Say, who the hell are you?”

His hands fly up to his hair - for what, to make it even messier? - and ends up almost knocking his glasses off the bridge of his nose.

“Stop giggling, bloody hell. And it’s James.”

Against her better judgement (sod it all, rational thought), she reaches over and pushes up his glasses. His hazel eyes follow her fingers, and he looks a little bit cross-eyed. It’s all a little bit sweet.

“James, is it? Well, I’m Lily, founder of the Hearts in Books Club.” The bloke - James, now - snorts at that, only causing to Lily to giggle even more.

James looks down at his watch . “I think the library closes right about now, you’d best be off.”

Lily swears under her breath, and James raises an eyebrow.

“Now, what was that?” The accent he’s putting on sounds a bit like some old-fashioned English professor, which kind of goes with the button-down, but not with the hair. “You do know you’re near the children’s section, next to so many impressionable young minds - you wouldn’t want to give them the wrong idea -”

“Oh, sod off,” she says, but not before glancing over to see if there’s anyone under the age of ten watching them. She checks to see if she still has all her books, and actually turns to leave.

“See you, Jimmy.” She smirks.

“OI, WATCH IT!”

~

Once she turns the corner, she can’t stop smiling. And even once she gets home and picks up her books and tries to - tries to lose her heart in them, damnit, she can’t stop thinking of James and the Hearts in Books Club and that damn hair.

Fuck, she thinks.

~

Lily returns to the library the next day, of course - she needs to pick up the sequel to Six of Crows, the novel she just finished.

(And she may or may not want to see if James is there.)

(He isn’t. Peggy is back, and though she loves Peggy, she’s a bit disappointed.)

(What is wrong with me, she thinks.)

After finding Crooked Kingdom, finally, she traipses over to the holds section. As far as she remembers, she doesn’t have anything on hold, but it’s always good to check.

There’s a book in her slot.

Furrowing her brows, she reaches up (and, quite embarrassingly, has to get up her tippy-toes; damn her lack of height), and grabs it. It’s hardcover, feels pretty new, and strangely enough, it doesn’t have that clear library binding around it.

The cover reads Everything, Everything. It’s the book she wanted yesterday - the one that the library shouldn’t have an available copy of. Confused, Lily opens the front cover, and the first thing she sees is a little note on a yellow Post-It, scribbled in Sharpie.

Lily,

Can this be the first book of the Hearts in Books Club?

See you Thursdays and Tuesdays.

- James.

There’s a little smiley face doodled next to her name, and Lily feels a strange, swooping feeling that she normally only feels at the end of a really good book.

And oh, fuck, she can’t stop grinning.

(But maybe, when she gets home, it’s something more than the book itself - something having to do with the note on the inside front cover - that prompts her to read it over and over again).

(Maybe. Just maybe).

[ectora]

Thank you so fucking much for taking the time to do the time comparisons! It's maddening how people use the same "she takes up too much screen time" excuse used on SC/Lena to basically make Abimel shippers feel bad. From one fandom where people hide behind flimsy excuses about why they don't want a better wlw love story to the point it almost feels homophobic, to another, eh? Something giving me hope compared to SG is that these showrunners/writers seem to care about feedback. Thank you again.

Heh anon ! My pleasure, I’m glad some people are finding it useful/enjoying it 😊

The screen time argument is way too often used when it’s not a fact tbh. I’ve seen people keep saying Abigael kept stealing screen time and I genuinely didn’t remember Abby being in the show that much. And listen, I don’t even care if someone dislike Abby but my issue is when people 1) use wrong information 2) are hypocritical about it. Because most people who use the screen time argument don’t even apply that to Harry. Cause they like him for example. I remember a similar thing happening in Supergirl with lena tbh. Tho I do thing there are some differences between the two, mostly because Supergirl had a way too big of a main cast imo which will create disparity in the cast’s screen time (Kelly’s is ridiculous tbh, same with Nia’s last season) and because lena slowly built her importance in the show. Which isn’t a problem because she’s still not as important as Kara and Alex. But she happens to be the second most important person in the lead’s life so she will have a spot. And her story goes well with the overall plot. People use that argument with them cause even tho sc isn’t romantically canon, they’re mad it’s canonically the second most important relationship in the show. The power sg would have if both Dansen and SC were canon would be absolutely unmatched.

On charmed tho, Abigael is so far from having a similar place than Lena in the show. I’m doing season three now and I think she’s absent of like, half of the episodes that aired ? People complain she has screen time but objectively, she is a main. She WILL have screen time. People can dislike the fact she’s a main cause they don’t like her character. That’s one thing. But they’re acting like her time is disproportionate when it’s ... really not. My biggest problem is when straight people are using this argument against Abby or abimel because they often like Hacy but don’t say anything about them which just shows the argument is just a way for them to excuse the dislike and is not actually a reason of the dislike. Again, there is no issue not shipping a pairing or liking a character. They’re not for everyone. It’s just, don’t be hypocritical about it.

The fact Abigael is a main is one of the reason I want abimel so much. Because we deserve to have our rep be in the main characters. We deserve to have our ships stand on the same level as straight pairings. So in charmed, when macy is with Harry and Maggie had Jordan, we definitely deserve to have Mel with Abigael. As for the writers Im hopeful while also being careful because well, sapphics get burned all the time. I do believe they are building abimel because well, it’s obvious. But also I know some people are very vocal about their dislike of Abigael so I just hope they don’t listen to that. But I do think abimel has very strong changes to be canon soon enough !

[lalobalives]

I’ve been thinking about writing this for weeks. The weeks building up to my 43rd birthday on December 9th. 

One of the things I love (and also sometimes feel conflicted about) about Facebooks “On this day” feature is what it reminds me of… For me this year it made me stare at the truth: I’ve been depressed the last two birthdays and holiday seasons. 

In 2016, I turned 41, the age my brother was when he died. 

In 2017, turning 42 hit me hard because it meant that I’ve lived longer than him and that feels so unfair. 

How could the person who loved me and had my back like no one else, just be gone like that, so young? And, yes, though I’m so grateful to be alive, I’ve also felt guilty about that. 

Carlos loved the holidays. He loved the gluttony of Thanksgiving and he loved to go shopping for presents, to visit the tree in Rockefeller Center and Santaland in Macy’s. He loved the lights of the city, the carols that blared from speakers in every store we went to, the gaudy window displays. As kids when we went to visit family in Long Island, on our way home, no matter how late it was, he’d wake me so we could look at the houses decorated with all their lights, Santas and mangers. He said when he had a house, he would decorate it every year with a million lights and all the reindeer. He never got that house…

On Christmas in 2016, I had it out with my sister and we haven’t talked since. I’ve never had a close sister relationship with her, but it still hit me and made me think and wonder and be real damn sad. It’s not that I missed the relationship we had, because we never really had one. It’s just that made me feel even more like an orphan. It made me miss my brother more, and long for the sister I never had… 

I’ve know since childhood that my sister is violent and malicious. She’s been this way my whole life. My secrets were never safe with her. She spewed them to whomever would listen when she was mad, and used them as arsenal when we argued. A few weeks ago, she reminded me of how vicious she can be. I won’t go into it again, as I’ve already written about it and posted some of the messages I received during three days long smear campaign she and her husband engaged, which also included texting and calling family to tell them how horrible I am. 

It’s fascinating to see someone defend themselves against accusations of being abusive by being abusive.

A beautiful thing came out of it though. That week my therapist cancelled because he was sick, and this was the last time I would see him for a month because of Thanksgiving and him being away. So I had to take care of myself through it, and the thing is: I COULD!

I realized just how much I’ve grown and healed through therapy and my own dedicated work. I had the tools to care for myself and that was amazingly affirming. Sometimes you have to go through something to really testify to your own evolution.

One of the major things I’ve done over this 42nd year of my life is learn to take care of myself. 

Last school year (fall 2017 – spring 2018), I took a sabbatical from most of my teaching artist gigs to write and grow Writing Our Lives. I did it because I was starting to resent some of my teaching and I needed a break. What came out of that was some hard writing and serious healing. 

This fall, I only returned to one of those teaching gigs: the one that was most supportive, where I trusted my supervisor and knew she had my back. She still does. This was one way I took care of myself.

This fall I also walked away from a friendship that was unhealthy and unkind. This situation made me reassess my view of sister friendships. I’ve blamed my relationship with my mother for so long for my issues with women, but I now see my relationship with my sister is just as much to blame. I started an essay about it that I know will be a slow drip because the subject matter is so hard but the beginning of it goes like this: “I haven’t always trusted women. What I’m saying is I haven’t always trusted myself…”

See, if I’m going to write about my distrust of women, I have to look at myself. This is what it looks like to be personally accountable. 

I’ve come to this: I want women friends who are supportive, gentle, I gotchu sister-friends; who don’t pretend they can live my life better than me and aren’t jealous of me or the work I do. I won’t accept anything less because I don’t deserve anything less.

This year I also resigned from a long held position to give myself what I’ve given that organization. I’ve long been self-sacrificial, and this was me making an effort to stop that. This too is me taking care of myself. 

I worked on my memoir and published some of my hardest and best essays yet, including “Splintered Doors” in The Rumpus and “What I Told Myself” in Roxane Gay’s anthology Not That Bad, which is a NYTimes bestseller. That last essay took me seven years to write! And “Splintered Doors” was featured in the May 28th edition of Memoir Monday, a weekly newsletter that I’ve been subscribed to for years. I’ve cried many real thug tears over these successes. 

“Memoir Monday is a weekly newsletter and monthly reading series co-curated by Narratively, Catapult, Granta, Guernica, The Rumpus, Longreads and Tin House. We’ve brought together the heavy-hitters of online memoir to provide the very best new first-person writing all in one place, so you’ll always be well-read and in the know.”

The focus on Writing Our Lives over this past year has also borne much fruit. I brought the classes online last fall and have since taught various multi-week classes including an Intro to the Personal Essay Class, Writing Fiction from Real Life, and Experimenting with Personal Essay Form.

I also created and taught the first Advanced Personal Essay Writing Workshop where students revised a personal essay several times, and researched lit journals, magazines and websites. On the final day, the writers submitted their essay for publication, and this past week one of those essays, “For Ibi, Ntozake and Every Colored Girl Who Has Ever Changed Her Name” by Nia Ita, was published in La Galería Magazine.

This year I also launched the Writing The Mother Wound Class, a class I’ve been subconsciously creating for so many years. It’s my first multi-genre class, and though it was difficult work to hold that space and do that work, it helped me step up my game. I also learned a great deal about my ability to set and maintain boundaries. See, a space isn’t safe if I don’t feel safe. In other words, I can’t put my students’ needs above my own. We all have to matter in the classroom. Period.  

The plan for the Writing the Mother Wound Class was to examine how writers have written about the mother wound in essays, poems, novel excerpts, memoirs and short stories. But then a playwright registered for the class, so I felt inclined (and yes, obligated and challenged) to hunt for plays that spoke to that wound. I embarked on some deep research that led me to some Cherrie Moraga plays. Already a Moraga fan, I went down the rabbit hole hard, and when I came up for air, I had some brilliant new ideas and exercises that were like nothing I’d done before. 

As a rule, I do the exercises I give students to get an inside to the experience and also to see if they work. Out of those playwriting exercises came a scene involving a character I’d been working with in fiction. I thought I’d started a new novel, but this fall that character, Milagros aka Millie, told her story through a six act play called A Lesson in Miracles! It’s my first play, something I’ve really never thought of doing, and it’s glorious! I performed the first act of the play in October when I featured at the Nuyorican Poets House during its famed Friday night slam, and got rave reviews! 

My 42nd year was about taking risks and stepping into my relentleness in a whole new, deeper way. 

In April, I traveled to Boston for Grub Street’s The Muse & the Marketplace Writing Conference, where I facilitated a craft talk titled “What Is Your Voice and How Do You Reclaim It?” I was also taught a few online classes for them.

In June I announced a partnership with Tin House. When I created Writing Our Lives, one of goals was to eventually get my writers published. The partnership with Tin House made that goal come to fruition. After a months long process that included an open submission period, two essays were chosen out of the dozens that were submitted for publication in Tin House’s Flash Fidelity series. On December 10th, one of those essays, Hair Like a Cactus Needle by Yollotl Lopez, was featured in the December 10th edition of Memoir Monday.

Because this year has been so phenomenal for Writing Our Lives and my writers, I decided it’s time to have the first WOL Reading & Showcase. It’s taking place on December 21st at Word Up Bookstore in Washington Heights, and it’s sure to be lit!

***

The magic of this year wasn’t limited to my professional life. I traveled quite a bit beginning with a train ride to Tampa for AWP with my brujermana Lizz. We bonded and laughed and wrote and shared stories and love. We re-sealed a sisterhood that has carried me for years. This woman is my person and I am so blessed to have her.

In July I went to Puerto Rico for the first time in years, and visited the house in Lares that Millie left us. It was an emotional trip I’m still unpacking. There’s just something deeply holy about that island and the resilience of its people.

After only eight days back in NYC, we headed to Michigan for a week a half of camping, and that’s where my bae asked me to marry her in the most epic way. I even had back up dancers, and Katia made sure my brujermana was there and one of her best friends, Yaya, was there. It really was an epic proposal.

See, before I met Katia, when I wrote a list of what I wanted in a partner, at the top was “must be romantic.” Katia is totally that. She asked me to marry her in Michigan because that’s where we met in 2015.

I was wearing my brother’s jean shirt, and my daughter was one of the back up dancers. She screamed with joy when I said yes, and when I ran to her to show her my ring, we threw our arms around one another and cried. It was epic and I get teary eyes every time I see the video. (I’m not sharing it yet because I want to keep that one close and untainted but below are a few pictures of us at our engagement party.)

***

For a while now, I’ve been trying to write an essay about how I was born without enzymes. I’ve heard so many stories over the years about mami’s “carreras con Vanessa.”

I’m 43 now, so I’m not even sure if the records of that era even exist anymore, but from my research and what mom has told me, it sounds like I had a TFP deficiency. 

Symptoms showed up for me when I was just weeks old. I’ve heard stories about how sick I’d get: the clammy, cold skin, listlessness, diarrhea, vomiting, weakness, shakiness, fevers. Mom didn’t know what was wrong with me and the doctors she took me to couldn’t tell her. Then the doctors at Elmhurst Hospital told her that I wasn’t going to make it. That there was nothing they could do. That’s when she took me out of there. She had to sign a release form so she couldn’t sue the hospital if something happened to me. She says she took me back there when I was two; a chunky, bright eyed toddler by then. They didn’t believe it was me. 

But it was a visiting enzyme specialist at Columbia Presbyterian Baby Hospital who took one look at me and knew I was born with an enzyme deficiency. 

Simply said, all biological reactions within human cells depend on enzymes. Enzymes speed up biochemical reactions. Their power as catalysts enable biological reactions to occur in milliseconds, but how slowly would these reactions occur in the absence of enzymes? 

In 1995, Dr. Richard Wolfenden reported that without a particular enzyme, a biological transformation he deemed “absolutely essential” in creating the building blocks of DNA and RNA would take 78 million years.” (Dr. Wolfenden, is Alumni Distinguished Professor Biochemistry and Biophysics and Chemistry at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill; and holds posts in both the School of Medicine and in the College of Arts and Sciences and is a member of the National Academy of Sciences.) Source

That means that we wouldn’t survive without enzymes because it simply would take too long for these life-sustaining biochemical reactions to occur without them. 

The doctor who saved me knew this. He put me on a special diet that introduced enzymes and amino acids to my body, then left it to me to basically teach itself to recreate them.

I think about the profundity of that. There’s a metaphor there.

Dr. Babatunde Samuel writes: “A chemical reaction without an enzyme is like a drive over a mountain. The enzyme bores a tunnel through it so that passage is far quicker and takes much less energy.” Source 

I was born without the ability to make things easier for myself. I had to teach myself this skill. I had to teach myself how to create shortcuts. How to dig tunnels. How to create my own pathways.

I had to do this when I was months old. 

It was at months old that I taught myself how to create a life for myself, and I’ve had to do this so many times over the years: at 13 when I left home and never moved back; in college at Columbia University; when I left abusive relationship after abusive relationship; when I became a single mom; when I quit an editing job to live this writing and teaching life; when my brother died… 

At months old, I taught my body a skill that has carried me throughout my life: to create my own pathways. Oof!

***

I read an article in the NYTimes this morning “Can We Really Inherit Trauma” where the author claims that the evidence that trauma can be passed from one generation to the next is circumstantial. 

“The idea is that trauma can leave a chemical mark on a person’s genes, which then is passed down to subsequent generation. The mark doesn’t directly damage the gene; there’s no mutation. Instead it alters the mechanism by which the gene is converted into functioning proteins, or expressed. The alteration isn’t genetic. It’s epigenetic.” 

The claim in this essay however is that there simply isn’t enough evidence to prove this. 

“The idea that we carry some biological trace of our ancestors’ pain has a strong emotional appeal. It resonates with the feelings that arise when one views images of famine, war or slavery. And it seems to buttress psychodynamic narratives about trauma, and how its legacy can reverberate through families and down the ages. But for now, and for many scientists, the research in epigenetics falls well short of demonstrating that past human cruelties affect our physiology today, in any predictable or consistent way.” 

Here’s what I know: There’s a long history of trauma in my family, much that I don’t know but feel in my bones. Some I do know involving extreme poverty, rape, incest, abandonment, colonialism, unmothered daughters, immigration, etc. 

My mother has told me stories of how when my father found out she was pregnant with me, he tried to kick me out of her. She spent the rest of her pregnancy bleeding, in and out of the hospital, sometimes for weeks at a time. They only released her because she had my brother and sister to tend to, but mom never followed the doctor’s orders that she remain on bedrest. 

I was born with a metabolic disorder. I didn’t have the enzymes necessary to live. I had to teach my body to create them. That’s enough evidence for me. 

And isn’t that what my writing is: my way of creating a new life for myself and my daughter. A more healed life. A more whole and full one. One where I’m no longer ruled by my traumas. 

I know that this work I’ve taken on over the years has certainly healed so much of what I’ve carried. I saw clear evidence of that a few weeks ago when I had to deal with that situation with my sister. 

My daughter won’t carry that shit. Nah. Because if it’s true that we carry our ancestor’s traumas in our genes, then it follows that we also carry their wisdom. This writing is me unpacking my genes to locate it… I am imagining myself making a caldero of sopa. It’s ritual. It’s ceremony. It’s holy… It’s a way for me to call my ancestors to the table; how I ask them to speak to me through these stories. 

I don’t need everyone to believe that to be true for me to know in my heart (and my genes) that it is. This is one of the blessings that this year has gifted me: a surety in myself and my work that no one can take from me. I feel more grounded and badass. I see where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, and how I’ve not just survived, but created a life that I’m proud of. I’ve thrived and that feels hella dope. Word. 

A testimony for my 42nd year of life I’ve been thinking about writing this for weeks. The weeks building up to my 43rd birthday on December 9th. 

[bubwagon]

this post is long and boring and about isj and it functions as a way for me to figure some things out and remember them and wasn’t necessarily meant to be read

By all intents and purposes, that was an ideal meeting. Possibly perfect, in that I can't imagine anything better happening, with the exception of a reconciliation fuck but i don't think that would have necessarily been the best for either of us. I have a difficult time being in Corvallis because it brings up a lot of my worse behaviours. Or not, bad behaviours necessarily. But behaviours that are kinda unhelpful and destructive to me. For example: T is very poor and I love him a lot and he doesn't get a ton of support all the time and for a few reasons I'm a little better situated to deal with his issues (I have more attention and span for his feelings than everyone but Erica, I have more disposable income, and honestly mostly because I just don't talk to him every day of my life so it's not a huge deal if he goes on an emotional bender around me once in a while) so when I'm around him  just start paying for 100% of the things he needs and since I'm covering him for dinner what if I just paid for all of dinner for 6 people and took on the brunt of cooking as well. I'm kind of a giver, and normally that's fine, but I feel VERY compelled to give because corvallis stresses me out and I want to be likeable and my schtick for being likeable has always been to be generous. It means I bend my sweet baby butt backwards to accommodate the needs of resident gremlin boys and it's dumb!! When E first met me she was super suspicious of that which is fair. Like, it's dumb and I don't need to be so obsequious to be liked. Anyways I was kinda stressed out and I drank about 4 glasses of wine (or equivalent) on almost no food. I was, I don't know, punishing myself? So after I made dinner I decided I wasn't gonna have any right then. Anyways, I ran out of the house twice and I made friends on a playground and it was kinda dumb and dramatic but I get dumb and dramatic when I drink I guess. I just felt really clearly Not a part of the group. Sitting in a corner and cooking didn't help. Not playing MGS didn't help either, but also I clammed up.

Also: I want to say now that E is a light and saving grace and I feel incredibly fortunate that she was with me and caring for me. Hey here's mostly what I want to say: I think Ian is doing good and I think I am doing good and he was sweet and gentle and kind to me for the one day I visited. After everyone left it was decided that I was going to sleep on the shitty couch in his house. And I just sat down and was probably drunk and shellshocked looking and he asked me if I was okay. And I kinda waved him over and leaned against his hip. He lay his arm around me and gave me a hug. We went over to his room and just chatted about stuff. Here's what we went over: 1) We weren't emotionally compatible but we had fun sex. And that's no one's fault that we broke up. 2) He still cares about me and values me as a good friend, he's just bad at expressing that long distance. 3) He's doing well. And he's finally at the school he wanted to go to. And I think he's going to do very well as a chemical engineer. He likes the endlessly replicable tiny building block questions. He likes understanding what the world is I think. 4) He's very genuinely happy that I'm doing well, and that I'm happy. I don't know if the implication there was he was worried about me there. 5) He doesn't think our relationship was a mistake, and he, quote, "had a lot of fun." Which is right. We did have a lot of fun. 6) We didn't fuck or sleep together or anything. Though he said maybe next time, when he gets a queen sized bed and he feels a little less weird about stuff. 7) We talked about Sam breaking up and for some reason also that T asked me earlier that day if I wanted to FUXX. 8) We talked about his shoes and cool jacket, which we bought together 9) He totally had a boner for some of this. 10) He said it wasn't weird I sent him letters. 11) He promised he'd visit sometime (i was drunk, I do not expect him to follow through. I think i specifically said, even if you don't think it'll happen say it will. )

There were other little things. Mostly the gist I got was, even though our relationship dissolved we still care about each other and we don't express that in the same way, but it's enough to know that it's there. Of course, I was always gonna lowkey care about him, but it's nice to hear he does. I wasn't expecting that, necessarily. We hugged a bunch and kissed a little. I still feel like I fit really nicely into the space up and over his shoulder and chest, and it was nice in that it felt really familliar and safe. And we didn't make out or anything, just kinda fit the curve of two smiles against each other. I don't think you're supposed to kiss or cuddle your ex but it felt right. When he said it was time to say goodnight we hugged for a really long time in the hall outside his room. It was hard to want to let go. One of us would start letting go and the other one would hang on a little harder. I haven't rekindled an old flame or anything, and I haven't totally restarted the pining process. But he put away a lot of fears. I was really worried he regretted his time with me, and that he didn't like/respect/care about me as a person, and that I was a burden or a detriment to him when we were together. And it was like, no. we loved each other and it didn't work out but we did/do really care and that counts for something! It counts for a lot. And I know this isn't really addressing the real ways he did hurt me. I told him that for a while I was really mad, but I kinda thought I understood him finally at the end. And I wasn't so mad. At the same time: we tried and it didn't quite work out.

Easy as that. When we did say goodnight I could NOT fall asleep. I was hung over (already!) and at that point I hadn't eaten in almost 12 hours and drank a lot. I came in, asked if I could please join because I can't sleep, and he said, you're putting me in an awkward position here. I said sorry and left. Then he came out and took the couch and told me to take his bed.

The next morning when I came to say goodbye (he was asleep and at this point he moved back to his bed) we spooned for a bit. And when he laid down flat I nestled on top of him and held his hand and he held me really tight and then relaxed. He's a skinny little boy but he's comfy to be around. When it was time for me to leave I kissed him and his nose. And he pulled me back in for another long kiss. Then I kissed his forehead and he frowned and i laughed and called him the devil.  

And that's what happenend. I think I knew it was going to be fine when I discovered that he gently and prominently placed all of the little things I bought him in his new room. He coulda chucked them somewhere or thrown them out (all of the things he gave me are hiding in dark corners because they kinda bring me pain to look at, but probably won't any more), but he put the little pusheen plush on the shelf next to all his fucking DOTA figurines, by the computer where he spends 100% of his time. And the pen I gave him is sitting right next to his desktop monitor. And the stickers and weird kitkat are around. It's all okay.

Here's what I want to remember from our relationship now that I don't feel uncomfortably badgered by negative emotions: 1) Leaning on him in the bright sun sitting on two tiny logs listening to him nervously decide what he wanted our relationship to look like. 2) Going with him to Powells, and the Doc Martens store, and Macys (?) on one of our first dates. I helped him pick out new boots, and a leather jacket. I was so delighted by Powells. Here's what I remember: reading the old bionicle books on the floor of Powels, delighted that the writing still held up as decent YA sci-fi. 3) Having sex (him losing that sweet sweet virginity!) for the first time to mind of a chef, fire episode in season 3. Hilarious. 4) He visited once when I really had to study and he helped me pomodoro. Every twenty five minutes he'd come upstairs to give me a kiss and a hug, and leave once I had to study again. 5) Spending a long time in bed with him in the mornings. It's a variable but happy memory. 6) Making pizza. 7) Awkwardly first telling him that I loved him. Hey this is a sweet story. Some rough shit was going down and he really took care of me. He held me against his chest so I could feel his heartbeat and breathed in deep and slow so I'd stop gasping. Eric used to do this too, and it's nice that people pick up on this. At night, in bed and with the light off I said soemthing like don't take this too seriously but I love you right now. And he was quiet and I felt like cutting out my unwary tongue. And he asked what that meant. And I told him something stupid about how I love a lot and each love is beautiful and unique or something. And he asked if it'd be weird if he said it too. And I said, no, but don't feel compelled to. And he said i love you too and i think i was the little spoon and i turned around and we kissed. It was a nice moment.

I think he's doing better. He was sweet and genuine to people that weren't me. He was honest to E about feeling bad for how he treated her. And when T had to throw up a little he brought him water. AND he helped cook. Small things, but it shows some sweet sweet character development.  I love him, a little, still. But again, that doesn't really make him special. I feel wistful and nostalgic, but I'm happy. Also a little sad, but I feel good about this right now. I could visit again, especially now that I know tickets to PDX are like 70 bucks if you get them early enough. I could stop blacklisting his tumblr URL. This post was really for me to think about how I felt and to kind of write it all down so I wouldn't forget. I feel really lucky to have a good relationship with him. I also feel really lucky to have a good relationship with Eric. I think this is gonna be a good okay thing. I don't have a lot to be nervous about anymore? That's all done. T and I love each other of course. EBB has fast become one of my closest friends and I love her :'). Nick likes me and puts in an effort to acknowledge what I say and I feel comfortable around him. And EHP and I have been talking a little and i really respect and appreciate him. Maybe I can just go to Corvo and have a good relaxed time now.

Here's what I'm hoping for next: - have a good time in Vancouver w/ friends. - do fucking great as a copyeditor - get the content marketing writing/editing position - move tf out of my house and in with marisa

i'm feeling good right now and while i'm thinking that tweet that's like OH SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO ENJOY GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME INSTEAD OF LIVING IN FEAR THAT THEY'LL TURN TO DUST IN MY HANDS but things are Okay!

i am feeling just wistful and nostalgic right now. and i’m a little sad. but that was really nice, and that’s the best i could have hoped for.