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lavenderek · 4 years

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Why do you hate Ian?? When i was a kid I LOVED What A Girl Wants. I had such a crush on Ian :(

i am happy to go off thank you for this opportunity, long post under the cut

in case somebody wants to read this but doesn’t know what “what a girl wants” is, it’s a movie from the early 2000′s starring amanda bynes as Daphne.

she grew up in new york with a single mom, Libby. she has an estranged father played by colin firth, Henry, who doesn’t know daphne exists. libby is a singer who works weddings a lot.

libby and henry were star-crossed lovers, basically. henry is an english aristocrat with political aspirations, and his family believed marrying libby, who is living her stevie nicks fantasy, would damage his career; so they got her alone and convinced her henry changed his mind and didn’t want her. libby left, not yet knowing she was pregnant, and then spent 17 years pining for him.

daphne has spent her whole life romanticizing the idea of her father coming to get her, so after she graduates high school she chooses to fly out to england and surprise him. when she gets there she is disappointed to find that he is engaged to a woman who has a daughter about daphne’s age, but tries to make it work anyway.

daphne is clumsy and very casual, so hijinks ensue. henry’s fiancee and future stepdaughter are evil and conniving.

daphne is rejected and bullied by the fiancee and stepdaughter and she struggles trying to fit in with aristocratic society, so ultimately she leaves. henry is upset about this because he learned to love her, and subsequently he discovers she was being mistreated. he breaks up with the fiancee and flies out to america to surprise daphne. daphne gets into oxford u somehow and they all live happily ever after.

the first person daphne meets and gets to know in the movie is a local musician named Ian, who tells her she was born to stand out. he has minimal effect on the plot, like, i could write him out in two minutes, but god forbid we have a teen movie without a romance in it. they’re immediately attracted to each other and he proceeds to be a very bad boyfriend that the audience is supposed to find morally upstanding and charming.

this post is about how it did not work and i don’t like him.

The Superficial Shit: I’m Not About It

i’m immune to motorcycle boys. motorcycles are impractical and loud. get a muffler. i think if you buy a motorcycle you have to sign a contract promising to idle on your motorcycle for ten minutes every morning at 6:30 so that everyone in the neighborhood knows you have a motorcycle. so i don’t care that ian is A Bad Boy.

i’m also immune to english accents. it’s just like, an accent. it’s fine. i’m supposed to find everything he does inherently charming because he has an accent and he sings, but i don’t, so, try a little harder.

like, i’m also not impressed by sporty types, but i still accepted “a cinderella story” because austin had a character progression and i could see why sam found him attractive.

ian has no character progression. he starts out confident and independent and he ends up confident and independent. he remains happily working class with a more or less successful band the entire movie. nothing daphne does affects him negatively except that one time she fucks up and blows off a concert he wanted to go to.

so as a result i’m not invested in anything he does. the only interesting thing he does is first building up daphne’s confidence and then getting mad and tearing it back down when she’s doing something he doesn’t personally find important, which is the next thing.

The Worst Boyfriend: Why Am I Not The Center Of Your Universe?

here are the first three pieces of information ian learns about daphne:

her mom is a musician

she is american

she is here to find and get to know her politician father, Lord Dashwood

he’s very supportive of this endeavor, right up until it gets difficult. he’s like, “you came all this way, he’s your dad, you should definitely meet him.”

she publicly fucks up a couple major society events and then is like, “hey, i’m putting my dad’s career in jeopardy, so in order to stay and get to know him this summer i’m gonna prioritize these events a little more.”

and ian is immediately like, “you’ve changed,” and dumps her lmfao

her lifelong drive to find and get to know her dad is one of the first things he learns about her. why does he think it’s so stupid? why am i supposed to care about his opinion?

daphne, probably: this thing is important to me. ian, probably: ok, that’s fine. daphne, probably: woof, in order to keep up with this thing i have to try a little harder. ian, probably: hm. actually, this is unimportant. daphne, probably: i’m going to do it anyway. ian, probably: what? didn’t you hear me? i just said it was unimportant. why aren’t you quitting immediately? my opinion should be your primary concern. you know what? i’m done.

i had the same problem with nate from “the devil wears prada.” i will never understand the idea of seeing someone you apparently care deeply about very stressed out trying to accomplish a goal, and being mad that they’re not super fun and interesting right then. sometimes a person you care about is going through something. let her vent and buy her some ice cream.

if your partner stops being supportive and understanding the second your life gets stressful or complicated, that’s kind of a red flag. the real test of a relationship is when you have to support each other and maintain your bond even when you’re trying to get something done, or even when you’re having a rough time and you’re in a bad mood.

ian fails this test because he’s weirdly judgmental about it all.

Attitude Stinks

before the change ian hates, daphne is late to things, she dresses casually for formal events, she gets into a screaming physical altercation with someone at a party, and because she was acting out a lot at a ball she’s blamed for the destruction of a prized, historical piece of architecture. all of these cause scandals that embarrass henry and make him look bad in tabloids. he is in the middle of a campaign for a political position, so this is bad.

after the change, daphne reaches out to her debutante grandmother for guidance and starts wearing socially acceptable clothing, goes to events where she is expected, and is quiet and respectful at an event where she’s supposed to meet the queen of england. this is all very successful for henry. people go up to him and tell him daphne’s great, and she somehow ends up in a tabloid that talks about how great she is lmfao.

all of this takes a lot of effort from daphne, though. she’s stressed out. while this works out for henry, it isn’t working for daphne. she’s doing all this so that she can be accepted by her father’s family, but the fiancee and stepdaughter don’t want her around, and henry is passive throughout all this. he doesn’t know she’s actively being bullied, but he’s also letting his fiancee direct him away from daphne. so daphne ultimately leaves.

here’s where ian comes in. ian tells her a story toward the beginning of the movie about how his mother was also an aristocrat. he tells her she was rejected by society because of classism towards ian’s father. this is framed as a demonstration of ian’s values. the fact that his mother rejected being a debutante is a source of pride for ian.

but the problem is that this is just because ian likes the choice she made. he’s not proud that his mother took control of her life and made her own decision. he’s proud that his mother rebelled. you know this because he sums up the story with this line -

daphne: what happened to your parents? ian: they’re as poor as church mice and the happiest people i know.

- and because his entire conflict in the movie is that daphne makes a different decision.

ian’s mom chose her husband over her parents and the life they wanted for her. daphne is choosing the family she’s been wanting her whole life over a guy she’s known for like, a month. ian is the biggest whiner about it. he storms out on her. she runs into him at an event and asks to talk to him, and he tells her no. he only forgives her when she quits and goes back to america.

there are a lot of dudes like this out there. he loves a strong, unique woman, as long as she fits seamlessly into his life and makes decisions he tells her to. yawn.

Makes No Sense: Why Are You Here?

ian is somehow ubiquitous in debutante society. he and his little band are hired to play at every ball daphne goes to. why??

a huge plot point is a moment where daphne attends a terribly boring coming out ball for a pair of very meek, shy twins. daphne delights the twins by going out of her way to liven up the party. she convinces ian to play loud rock music and encourages everyone at the ball to dance. the bass is too loud, though, and somehow causes an antique chandelier to fall. this is a big scandal.

the whole thing that’s emphasized during this scene is that daphne is shaking up the scene and that this music is unorthodox and unwanted at these high society type functions.

which all begs the question of why these people keep hiring a local rock band for these events. he’s playing at at least one other ball later on in the movie. the music they play doesn’t really fit in with the tone of the events, which are the kind of affairs you’d wear a tiara to. these are very formal events. why are we hiring ian and his band, and where did you guys even find him??

in the scene where daphne gets into a fight with somebody, she’s at a fancy outdoor event, the kind of place you’d wear a tea length dress and a big hat. ian is also there, working in the parking lot as a parking lot guy.

daphne’s thrilled, but she does ask why he’s there. he’s basically like, “i have lots of jobs.” for somebody who hates deb society so much, he does take a lot of jobs at deb events. why don’t you work in a restaurant or something? does that offend your punk rock whiner sensibilities?

also, he’s boring and i think daphne should go for somebody who makes her laugh.

Has Spiked Hair

lots of gel, no other info needed. wash your hair. very sculpted hair makes people seem less down to earth. it’s not relatable.

I Will Fix It

so ian doesn’t help with the plot at all. the only time he helps daphne is in the chandelier scene. the rest of the time he’s just there to date her and talk to her a lot about how cool it is to stand out and not fit in.

his role in the movie is to cause more tension and place more pressure on daphne. he behaves like she’s making a moral choice, when really she’s making a behavioral choice.

i think using him to vocalize her conflict is a mistake because it’s framed as Stand Out vs. Assimilate, when that has nothing to do with daphne’s motivation.

daphne’s Want is to be with her dad, and her Need is to be accepted and wanted. as a result, ian rejecting her because he doesn’t like the choices she’s making comes across as entitled and cruel lmao. it’s directly antithetical to daphne’s journey. she never once says anything about loving standing out.

here are the ways i think this could be fixed:

if you want it to be a moral thing, make it a moral thing.

give ian a best friend who is gay, and after daphne decides to fit in with society, she won’t be seen with the gay friend anymore. or after daphne decides to fit in, have her be super judgmental of people who aren’t succeeding as much as she is. then when she decides she’s fed up, have her stand up for them.

that would make ian being mad about her “changing” make sense. and we, the audience, would be like, “yeah, this is misguided and goes against what daphne believes.”

not breaking things or yelling at a royal event isn’t a moral stance. why are you so pressed. get a hobby

if you want her thing to be standing out, make it standing out.

standing out isn’t a conflict in the whole movie. henry’s flaw is being passive. daphne’s flaw is being embarrassing at parties because she’s clumsy and she likes to meet new people and dance and stuff. libby has no flaw except that she was a victim of classism.

the twins at the party are dowdy and shy, and daphne gives them a makeover off screen lmao. ian is single, and daphne dates him.

so make standing out the recurring issue. make daphne super obsessed with fitting in. in the very beginning, she runs into a girl she knows at a wedding. the girl is kind of privileged and successful, and daphne reveals that she’s a free spirit who doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. instead, make her hedge and hem and haw and try to make herself seem more successful to the girl. make her Want to be fancy and part of her dad’s high society life, but her Need to “be herself.”

maybe the twins are secretly super weird and quirky, and they’re depressed trying to fit in; and their big moment revealing being cool now at the garden party is them wearing loud patterns and dancing when the music starts playing. maybe ian is super funny and goofy and the parties suck until he and daphne trick the singer into leaving the stage, and ian jumps onstage and plays a fun song.

make libby have been rejected because she always started talking politics at henry’s parties and she’s kind of radical.

maybe daphne: hey, i’m sorry, but you can’t come with me to the party next week anymore. maybe ian: what? how come, i rented a tux for this. maybe daphne: sorry. i’m trying to behave. maybe ian: haha what does that mean? you’re not trying to fit in with all those stuffy losers, are you? maybe daphne: no, i’m trying not to ruin things for my dad. it was a big deal when you were super messy at the garden party. maybe ian: wow. i seem to recall you being “messy” right along with me. sorry for embarrassing you. maybe daphne: ian, don’t take it personally. we can still hang out sometimes, i just can’t go places with you. maybe ian: no, thanks.

i don’t prefer this, because i’m an introvert and people who think someone they don’t personally find interesting are fundamentally worse, are boring and annoying. i wouldn’t find this story relatable or compelling at all. i’m 9000 years old and i’m like, “what if you guys respected each other and participated in society, though?” i wouldn’t enjoy this story. but at least it would make sense why ian’s bothered by daphne not “standing out.”

i think the entire reason this movie was made is that trailer moment from the boat scene where ian’s like, “i don’t understand why you want to fit in, when you were born to stand out!” so that’s how you can keep that dumbass line.

make ian have an arc himself.

in the movie, ian is initially helpful and gives some backstory, and then partway through the movie he gets mad at her and breaks up with her. he forgives her at the same time as henry realizes daphne’s unhappy, right at the end.

instead, make ian become helpful as the movie progresses.

so first of all, take the scene toward the beginning where he’s in the boat allegedly showing her how to practice being poised, and he tells her about his mom being a disowned deb. move this scene to the beginning of the third act.

next, make it so that ian was rejected by his grandparents. maybe ian at some point also defied his mom to seek out estranged family; but where daphne’s dad let her stay, ian’s grandparents insulted him and told him they didn’t want him around. they called him illegitimate and a mistake. so when daphne chooses to try to conform, ian is reacting to those feelings rather than projecting his own feelings of personal superiority.

and finally, make daphne try to fit in much sooner, but make her super bad at it. my roommates and i watched this movie the other night and one of them made the very good point that daphne’s grandmother and father sit her down and are like, “there is a certain way you’re supposed to behave,” but they don’t tell her how to do that.

so let’s actually keep that part. maybe daphne overcorrects. she knows she’s fucking up, so she believes she shouldn’t be doing anything fun or interesting or making conversation with anyone. this isn’t great. her charm is in how friendly, fun-loving, and proactive she is. she does what she wants and people find it refreshing. make people start to be like, “wow, lord dashwood’s daughter is kind of weird and stiff. it’s clear she isn’t used to places like this, what a rube.”

now we get to the third act, and the boat scene. in the boat, ian tells her about his family, and apologizes and offers to try and help her, if this is what she wants. now ian is playing more of an active role, and he’s contributing to her life in a positive way.

because as it is, he does nothing that i couldn’t get rid of very easily. so...

get rid of ian.

here are the effects ian currently has on the plot:

daphne riding away on the back of a motorcycle makes henry worry about her, and he realizes he’s developing paternal feelings toward her. he calls libby and libby affirms and empathizes with those feelings.

ian is in the band at the party where the chandelier is destroyed.

ian talks a lot about how daphne’s supposed to stand out.

ian stresses daphne out, which sort of artificially raises the stakes.

ian shows up right at the end to reward daphne for existing.

especially because ian’s criticisms are so disconnected from daphne’s motivations, nothing he does is particularly helpful to the plot in a way that he couldn’t be replaced.

daphne has a tattoo in the movie, and when henry sees it, he’s sort of like, wow, she’s kind of a wild child, she reminds me of me when i was young. instead of a motorcycle boyfriend, make daphne get the tattoo in london. henry calls libby like, “she just got a tattoo!” and libby is like, “i remember you holding my hand while i got my first tattoo.”

maybe the live band takes a break, and daphne sneaks up and hooks up the speakers to her ipod or something, and she plays super loud music herself.

i already talked about how pointless this is. also, we don’t need a greek chorus telling us what’s going on. show, don’t tell.

daphne is already stressed. those motivations can come from inside daphne.

why would henry seek out daphne’s ex-boyfriend and fly him out to new york to impose on daphne and her mom? this is so weird. go home.

ian is replaceable. to the left, to the left.

#long post #haters #who is this even #Anonymous #talking out of my ass

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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mtmte liveblog issue 28

catch me completely ignoring dark cybertron lmao

yeahhhh so I'm just gonna skip dark cybertron bc no thanks. I did read the tf wiki articles for the issues tho, which is more than I did in the past, so at least now I kinda know what happened, though I had to suffer thru reading about dark cybertron to learn stuff about it. yikes. reading ABOUT dark cybertron further enforced my decision to not actually read thru it

anyways. the best part of dark cybertron was when chromedome threw prowl off that cliff. that was baller lmfao

a 1 page recap of dark cybertron is about all I can handle. thank you

ooh, the 6 months later smash-cut, I fucking love itttt

nautica’s here!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy I love her. also brainstorm, and I love their friendship sm

hvbjdkhfbshdfj god I love them. they have such a fun dynamic

everyone eavesdropping on a therapy session vhbhdjkhafbhkjsdf. hipaa laws mean nothing as usual

the casual reveal of captain megatron, oh god

the title fucking slaps, as usual. this is one of my favorites - ‘world, shut your mouth.’ great stuff, and a song title/reference to boot! and this being part 1: towards peace...chefs kiss

and then we flash back to 6 months earlier...yknow now that I'm rereading this, mtmte has a LOT of framing devices used - there's story-within-a-story, flashback/flash-forwards, storytelling with narration, etc...I love it

god hbvhjakdfbshjkdf rodimus saying ‘magic’ and then the little *magic = science rodimus doesn't understand HBGKJHSDBFKHJSDF my idiot boy ily

rodimus roasting prowl is my fav hbfjdkafshsbjkf ‘maybe the knights can help us find a cure for your personality’ ily sm

and then prowl agreeing w/rodimus a few panels later about megatron’s guilt...

optimus...don't you think that making yourself chief of justice is...maybe a bad idea...like, maybe there's a conflict of interests here...just a little bit of bias...a bit too much history, perhaps...

the fact that all the big roles in the trial were given to high-ranking autobots who were heavily involved in the war...I see that cybertrons justice system is as much of a farce as their medical ethics and patient confidentiality laws

the ‘you BROKE the MATRIX’ panel is so good bjhkdhfbajskhdf

rodimus: LISTEN dad I just wanna resume my space cruise with my frat bro ship I have no interest in politics

psychiatrists HATE him! local former warlord refuses to recognize the validity of psychological analyzation of people’s actions

ravage casually breaking hipaa laws and chilling in megatron’s therapy session like >:3

I love rung...he’s so good at like, passive-aggressively cutting right to the heart of someone’s issues, and he’s so generally mild that you can’t even really get mad at him

the sudden inclusion of megatron as a major character in mtmte is kinda jarring at first - mostly, for me at least, due in part because I didn't read dark cybertron so this is like, megatron’s introduction as a relevant character in general - but I feel like jro does a great job laying a lot of intrigue down from the very beginning w/his character - like, I already want to know more about what his whole deal is, even though we have, ostensibly, seen pretty much all of his story play out already

rung name-dropping froid...i remember that made me lose my shit bc cmon. FROID....jesus christ

rung and megatron: holy shit! we’re suddenly being drawn in a 90s-esque sci-fi tron-looking retro-futuristic style!

interesting that megatron sought rung out, and not the other way around

RIPTIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite sharkboy is HERE

CREWDITIONS...YES....

‘we’re not allowed to take anyone who might remind rodimus of prowl’ vhbhjdkshfbhaskfd brutal

I love nautica so so much. a perfect autistic scientist after my own heart

I adore that nautica brought chromia along for moral support

hgvbjdakhfbhsj and then swerve saying that rodimus hates ‘trisyllabic names’ and nautica is like....but....‘rodimus’.....

and then nightbeat busts in to get all bbc sherlock on they asses hgbfhjadkfbjaskdf

WHY was perceptor at the crewditions if he was already part of the crew lmao

ooof, and then we have megatron flipping out when chromedome, a mnemosurgeon, shows up

also damn the autobots were rlly like okay so we wanna speed this trial up so lets just like, probe megatrons brain, that seems completely ethical, especially when you consider the history of shadowplay and stuff that our previous government had

I know important stuff is happening but megatron is holding a CUBE and I love CUBES so I'm distracted by that. C U B E

and then right after a scene where we see chromedome willing to perform mnemosurgery again - despite rewind’s like, dying wish for him not to - we hear that he’s been locked up in his room rewatching rewinds goodbye message over and over again :( I'm fucking depressed

I love nightbeat, he’s so funny and kind of an asshole

and then you see more missing letters behind them next panel...clearly nightbeat is right and there’s a mystery afoot...OR somebody is fucking with the ship’s lettering as a prank, which is a plot point I would absolutely buy

yeahhhh skids is right, chromedome is clearly Not dealing

the dramatic graffiti on megatrons door...I wanna know who spray-painted ‘die’ everywhere like they're reaper overwatch

oh god. whirl vs megatron

really cool red lighting tho

GOD its so brutal, all the stuff megatron said about how he told the cons not to kill whirl...and doesn't that end up being false anyways? so he was just saying it to dig at whirl, which is awful

also I'm never over the fact that literally everyone - including megatron and whirl - blames whirl for ‘turning megatron violent,’ as if the entire Point isn't that whirl was a tool for a corrupt system, and if it wasn't whirl it would've just been someone else, and megatron turning away from pacifism was inevitable given the circumstances, AND also a choice on his part, so he really only has himself to blame for his OWN ACTIONS

bye bye whirls right arm, see you in lost light

‘people never stop changing’ that IS something I say all the time...damn you warlord grandpa! how can you steal my philosophies?!

ohhh man and then rewind’s goodbye message being different....oooh

AUGH the fact that whirl was basically trying to goad megatron into killing him, just like he did in issue 1 w/cyclonus...It Hurts Man

also I do love the hint at who he’s talking to w/whirl shooting megatron with the bow and arrow earlier, and we know that atomizer is a fan of those

ok, but here’s where my philosophy diverges - megatron talks about throwing away his past and starting new, but I think that you have to learn from and build on your past...either way, megatron’s arc is one that I enjoy greatly from a character writing standpoint, and I'm excited to get it underway, especially w/how controversial it is lmao

big ole double-page spread...I like how you can pick out individual characters in the background crowd, which is crazy cause that's a LOT of people. also how come cosmos is so HUGE

phewwww 4.6 billion cybertronians died in the war, that’s INSANE. that's like, an incomprehensibly huge number. is there an estimate for their current population? I bet its not a lot. no wonder jro leaned into reproductive themes so much in mtmte/ll - of course the continuation of your species would be a concern for many if your numbers have been that greatly reduced

optimus w/his fancy tyrest-lookin crown

oughdajbfsbdf and the fact that megatron ALSO murdered 100 BILLION non-cybertronians...bruh. I feel like they maybe should've dialed those numbers back a little to allow his ‘redemption arc’ to run a little smoother lmao. but also I admire the commitment either way

and then we end w/megatron doing captain stuff, and seeing The Coffin...and we never did see rodimus in any of the flash-forward parts of this issue, did we???? I love how concerning that is. where's my BOY

also of course we gotta remember the warning from way back at the beginning of mtmte: ‘don't open the coffin’....

and so begins mtmte s2! man I love s2. I love mtmte in general lmao. s2 takes on the impossible w/the whole ‘megatron redemption arc’ thing, and I know that’s like, a divisive plot point and stuff, but from a writing standpoint I enjoyed it a lot...I think it was pretty much as well done as it could've been given the enormity of the task, and I thought it was a really interesting direction for the story to go in

also espec if it’s true that hasbro was like ‘hey jro put megatron in your story and give him a redemption arc’ rather than jro like, planning/asking to do it

anyways. I doubt ill talk much abt the disc horse(tm) here bc this is just for fun and also my own personal opinions and whatever, but I for one am excited to reexperience this stuff

so yeah s2 off to a strong start with some wild shit already happening! cant wait to read more!

#lj rereads mtmte

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confusingawkwardness · 7 years

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Some personal shit I had to write it down....

Ok, so I need to write this down like last time so I don't forget a single detail...

I woke up at 6 on a Sunday (pretty much early for me) and when I was taking a shower I was like, I can't believe I am doing this good lord, but well at least it's not Vienna, it's fucking Budapest...

So she texted me when I was already on the train, for a moment I just thought that maybe she was gonna let me down since I didn't go to Vienna last time, but just when I was about to leave she texted me that she was also on her way to the train station.

I couldn't sleep the whole way there. Besides the excitement of doing something that seemed so wrong at the moment and the expectation of meeting her once again after 6 months, there was a guy drinking beer in front of me, making me uncomfortable. Thank God the train was at least partially full so he couldn't take advantage of me.

I got to Buda later than I had planned. First I took a toilet stop because I wanted to look good and not like I was getting off of a train, better late than ugly. I bought my daily transport ticket and I went to the other train station to pick her up. When I got there, it was literally full of people, I think there were several trains arriving at the moment, so lots of people (mostly tourists) were crowding the station. I couldn't find her anywhere and to be honest I was getting anxious and nervous about so many people in that place. I freaked out. In that moment, she appeared out of the blue, told me hi and proceeded to hug. She held me tight and from a moment a bit longer than I was intended so I think she could perceive my awkwardness right away. She didn't go for a kiss, neither did I and on top of that, I got a red face as always.

After such an awkward moment she told me she had to withdraw some money from an atm so we went to a near one and she got some money. I must be honest, the moment I saw her I suddenly remembered her how she really is, and she didn't look so attractive to me. I thought omg what a fucking mistake I did, but it was too late, she was already there.

After that, we went to the train station and I was starting to feel awkward and anxious again. Being the angel she always is, she didn't care or tried not to care too much, and make up my awkwardness for constant chatting, always asking questions about my life. I swear to god that girl can make me talk like no one else. I told her on the spot my dilemma with my master and the job offerings I got. Just like that.

Anyway, we kept talking and got on the metro. Actually, I had a plan for us to do but we messed it up. We kept talking and talking, we missed the metro station twice, we even got to get off at some place so we could grab a coffee at a McDonald's but we kept talking non-stop. We got outside and tan a bit. If I might say I am a bit proud of my arms, they are not as buffed as I would like but the gym is doing some magic. I caught her staring at my arms and my cleavage sometimes (the sneaky me wore a necklace with a hint of a cleavage, I swear she couldn't keep her eyes off me, score!)...

Anyway, after a long conversation (again, where did that shit about my mom's boyfriend come??), we decided to return to the metro to follow our original plan. Of course, we failed again, so instead, I took her to Margaret island. It was a nice walk, always talking but no kissing and no hand holding. She didn't seem to care (God why am I worth of such an angel?).

We got to Margaret island, walked a bit, laid on the grass exactly like how I imagined us and talked and talked (why are things so easy with her jfc???).. we took a couple of photos, walked to the nearest WC and kept talking (again where did that shit about my crazy aunt come? ?? Not even my closest friends know about this wtf?)

After a while, we took the tram and got to the vegan restaurant (she loved it, score for me!). We had some of that vegan food of hers (Jesus does she love it) and talked and talked (She said that she loves I am such a nerd and I almost lost it). At some moment I thought she wanted to kiss me or at least hold hands but being the awkward fuck I am I didn't have the guts to do it (or at least try to show her it was ok for her to do so).

Then for the 11th time that day, we tried to follow the initial plan and failed miserably. We walked to the Budapest castle but we didn't go inside. Actually, on the way there we saw two girls holding hands AND STILL I DID NOTHING. We kept talking and talking, I really wanted to kiss her in that castle, God why am I so fucking awkward??

But I didn't, I couldn't fuck why oh why am I so stupid and awkward God just kill me already... we talked about her life, her friend Doris and how she is dealing with cancer, our Christmases, our nye's, religion (or lack of it), politics in my country (gay adoption anyone?), even my roommate was a topic for conversation, dude, it's always a nonstop with her and it's always so fucking easy...

Then we got back to city center, got some chocolate and espresso and sit down on the basilica.

Fuck and she told me she felt so lonely and that also fucked me up. Like she doesn't have friends like she doesn't have anyone to share things together and fuck to do shit like this kind of stuff she loves to do with me fml...

Funny thing, two guys approached us and tried to flirt with us while we were sitting in front of the basilica. LMFAO obviously it was a disaster, and I think I got a bit jealous, I mean of course they didn't notice we were together-together (kind of) and I seriously wanted to tell them to fuck off we're lesbians (yes sitting in front of the fucking basilica this is the 21st century fuck you very much). Anyway, since she's the polite angel she is she didn't turn them down but oh boy I am another thing, I practically told them we were leaving and that was it (fucking fuck boys and their Pablo Escobar cliche)...

We went to this local market and on our way there she suggested she didn't have to go back home that day, she insinuated that I should skip German class (she could teach me better than all those fuckers anyway) but I couldn't bring myself to it. Fuck and it was so tempting (she started rambling at some point and said "this is not a one night stand, is it??" and I told her but then we would have to make the walk of shame the following morning so she kept teasing me and me reacting as the awkward fuck I am)..

In this park, where they were having a local market or something, there was a wheel like the London wheel and I decided to go there, fuck this homophobic country and try to kiss the girl up there. I couldn't, FUCK I COULDN'T MANAGE IT, I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF FOR THE BILLION TIME THAT DAY FUCK!!! (50k huf and you did nothing gut fucking gemacht!!!). To be honest, what really stopped me was that in the cabin in front of us there were 3 black girls (looked pretty much spoiled and homophobic to me) and a guy with his son. It was like the two main reasons why I didn't do coupley stuff with her on the streets. Because I was afraid of homphobic people and people saying it is bad for children to see two women together.

It was almost time to go back to her station so we got there, she went to the toilet, we found her train and decided to sit in the fartest bench on the platform. AND FUCK THINGS GOT SERIOUS IN THE LAST 15 FUCKING MINUTES WHY GOD WHY??? I told her everything I was feeling (for the whole fucking day) I finally collected some courage to hold her hand, I asked her for forgiveness that I felt scared of Budapest people and hungarian homophobia and of fucking course she was the perfect angel she is...

She told me it was ok, that she didn't want to pressure me, that indeed she tried to move on and hooked up with some girl but it didn't work out BECAUSE SHE COMPARED HER TO ME ALL THE TIME AND SHE IMPLIED SHE COULDN'T FORGET ME JFC WHY DIDN'T I KISS HER ON THAT SPOT FUUUUUCK. With that she destroyed me. Literally. She told me she was willing to wait until I was ready, that we could figure this out together and a bunch of other stuff that fucked me up for real. Oh boy I almost cried in that platform but thank God I contained the tears and tried to be strong for her. At some point she asked me if I think we're friendship (relationship?) was at the getting physical stage and I couldn't look her in the eye BECAUSE DEEP DOWN I THOUGHT IN THAT MOMENT THAT I WANTED TO FUCK HER SO BAD BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE...

At the end (fuck why did I have to tell her 15 fucking minutes before her train left fuuuck) we hugged (oh boy I realized I missed her smell). We didn't kiss but I asked her for forgiveness once again for not giving her all (because she deserves it all fuck). She kept repeating that we would manage this, that we would find a way to be together..

Of course, she left me being a mess. I don't know how I got to Nyiugati, how I bought that ticket back to this hellhole of town, how I endured the trip back home, how I got home safe but I did (I met this old lady she was so nice speaking in a mix of english-hungarian-german, and we shared a taxi back home). While I was in that cabin in the ride back home I imagined so many crazy things, I kept staring at the window and imagining things like it was a movie, I envisioned how my future life next to her would be, how my family and friends back in Colombia would react to me being gay, fuck I even thought about naming our girl Lucy HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT...

But now I'm in bed and I think I can sleep in peace knowing that these details won't be forgotten FUCK I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED!!!! I wondered what would have happened if we stayed together one more night in Budapest. We would have probably found a hostel room, or an Airbnb and fucked for sure (she had an extra pair of panties come on!)...

And to make matters worse, I forgot to call my mom for mother’s day (my phone died and it was really late)... I think she’s mad at me for not calling her, but well at least I texted her very early before I met Vienna girl fml...

#I wrote all of this while I was still intoxicated by her #jfc #personal #adventures in hungary

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