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The Weekend Warrior Feb. 14, 2020 – SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, FANTASY ISLAND, THE PHOTOGRAPH, DOWNHILL, OLYMPIC DREAMS

It’s Valentine’s Day on Friday and President’s Day on Monday, which means that this weekend is going to be absolutely nuts in terms of getting four new wide releases. Last week’s Birds of Prey did not do even remotely close to where I predicted/projected – almost half!! -- and here I thought all those raves reviews might help, but apparently not. It will still make money with its global release but it’s gonna fall short even of last year’s Shazam! and many have already started questioning whether an R-rating is the way to go with a movie semi-targeted towards younger women. (Warner Bros. has already sent out a mandate to theaters to change the title of the movie to Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey. I cannot believe that it took this long for them to figure out what a terrible title they had previously!)

With the four-day weekend, it’s very likely that Paramount Pictures’ SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, will prevail, as it brings the beloved SEGA video game character to the big screen with James Marsdenand Jim Carrey, the latter starring in one of his first big-screen appearances in a while. It should be an easy victor this weekend in a market that could desperately use another strong family film.

For those unfamiliar with SEGA’s flagship video game “mascot,” Sonic has appeared in all sorts of other media including animated series and comic books, so one can say that the character is almost but not quite as well known and popular as Nintendo’s Pokemon, which has had a much wider reach in terms of both games and cartoons.

Of course, it’s impossible not to look at Sonic the Hedgehog and completely ignore the relative success of last year’s Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, which had the added benefits of a popular A-list star in Ryan Reynoldsand a summer release. That opened with $54.4 million and made $144 million domestic and $429.7 million worldwide.

On the other hand, Sonic does have Jim Carrey, who hasn’t been in an American wide release since the 2014 sequel Dumb and Dumber To, which only made about $156 million worldwide. At one point, Carrey was one of the biggest box office stars with multiple $240 million plus domestic blockbusters. Maybe the kids won’t be as invested in Carrey’s Mr. Robotnik, but many parents who grew up with Carrey’s comedies will be happy to see him in such a perfect role.

The Presidents Day weekend allows one extra day for parents with kids needing something to do with them sans school. Even so, the biggest movies on the weekend have been superhero movies, including Black Panther, Deadpool and Fifty Shades of Grey, the latter two definitely not for kids. (Daredeviland Ghost Rider also fared well on the weekend.) In fifth place for the weekend is Warner Bros’ The LEGO Movie, which made $62.5 million over the four-day weekend, but that was in its SECOND WEEKEND! So yeah, lots of money to be had for a family movie even though the biggest opener was Christopher Columbus’ Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (now on Broadway!), which opened with $38.7 million ten years ago.

I have to imagine that Sonic is more popular, and even with the tragic misstep of that first trailer last year which got such a negative reaction to Sonic’s appearance, Paramount delayed the movie and went back to the CG drawing board, there will be enough fans interested to see how he translates to the screen that $40 million over the weekend should be doable even with three other wide releases. I also don’t think reviews will be so bad, so it should be good for $100 million plus.

Mini-Review: For whatever reason, Sonic the Hedgehog is the kind of movie that lazy critics love to dump on, maybe because it’s a kids’ movie or because it’s a movie based on a video game they played as kids, or more likely, a character their kids know from popular cartoons and comic books. It doesn’t help that judgments were mostly cast when the first trailer hit last year and Sonic looked different than what people expected. Regardless, I went into the movie with very low expectations, maybe because I really had no passionate connection to the character despite being generally familiar with some of the games.

We meet Sonic as he’s being chased by robots, and we flash back to him as a kid on a planet where he’s able to zoom around freely, until he’s discovered by predators that are hunting him (it’s never explained why), so his mentor owl gives Sonic gold rings that can take him off-planet. Sonic ends up in a small town called Green Hills where he watches the townsfolk in hiding for years, including a local police officer (James Marsden) and his wife Maddie (Tika Sumpter). The former eventually discovers Sonic after he causes a major power outage that gets the attention of the government and its genius robotics scientist, Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey).

Despite not having much previous connection to Sonic, it’s hard for me not to appreciate this character, because I’ve been known to zip around myself. I also enjoyed Sonic’s haste since who knows when we might see that movie based on one of my favorite comic characters, The Flash. Sonic does a good job capturing the intensity and yes, speed, of having speed powers in quite a masterful way compared to previous attempts, giving me hope that a Flash movie is possible. (Granted, they do rip-off the fun thing Quicksilver does in the recent X-movies by slowing everything around Sonic down to a halt, but it’s still amusing.)

Probably the most genius idea by Sonic’s filmmakers was to convince Jim Carrey to return to the big screen as Dr. Robotnik. He quickly reminds us how hilarious he can be when going as fully into a character as he does this one, and it’s prime Carey vs. the semi-lazy Carrey that made movies in the early ‘00s. Robotnik is a super-genius with no patience for anyone on a lower level of intellect (aka everyone), and Carrey takes that idea to the utmost extreme. (It’s hard not to compare what he’s doing in this movie to what Ewan McGregor does in Birds of Prey and see how Carey does it effortlessly whereas McGregor was clearly trying too hard.)

That’s not to take away from Marsden and Sumpter, Sonic’s other prominent human co-stars, who bring such a warmth and humanity to those characters that you rarely even think that you’re watching them interact with a fully CG-character. (Kudos to Ben Schwartz and what he brings to Sonic as his voice.)

Sure, the plot can be a bit predictable with certain parts clearly geared to kids, but there’s also slew of pop references that display some real talent in the writing of the movie so that it can be watched and enjoyed by people of all ages.

Is it possible that Sonic the Hedgehog is the first thoroughly entertaining movie of the year? Yes, indeedy. (Definitely stay through the first bunch of credits if you are a Sonic fan!)

Rating: 8/10

One of the more interesting releases of the weekend is BLUMHOUSE’S FANTASY ISLAND (Sony Pictures Releasing), which as you can guess is a PG-13 horror version of the popular ‘80s show, starring Michael Peña as Mr. Rouke, the head of a program in which people can pay lots of money to achieve their greatest wishes… with a catch! Since this is Blumhouse, you probably know that the catch involves some sort of horror/thriller premise, and if you’ve seen the trailer, you might get some idea how it works… or not. (I wish I can say more but I’m under embargo!)

The rest of the cast is decent including Maggie Q (from Mission: Impossible 3), Lucy Hale, Portia Doubleday, Michael Rooker, Ryan Hansen, Jimmy O . Yang and more, plus it’s directed by Jeff Wadlow, who last did Blumhouse’s Truth Or Dare (a very bad movie!) and then Kick Ass 2 before that. (He was supposed to direct Sony’s upcoming Bloodshot movie but he left that to do other things, like this.)

Unfortunately, Sony Pictures Releasing (another specialized imprint from the parent company?) seems to have taken a cue from Screen Gems by deciding not to screen the movie for critics until Thursday afternoon (just like with The Grudge!), plus there won’t be ANY Thursday previews for this. It’s a shame since… well, I can’t really tell you if I liked the movie or not since I’m under embargo until Friday. J

Either way, it seems like a strong enough counter to Sonic and Birds of Prey that it should be good for $15 million plus over the four days. Personally, I think it would have opened even bigger if Sony and Blumhouse had shown some balls and screened it for critics in advance, but what do I know? I’ve only written about this stuff for ALMOST TWENTY FUCKING YEARS! (Not sure I’m gonna review the movie but we’ll see.)

I know far less about Universal’s Valentine’s Day offering THE PHOTOGRAPH (Universal), which I guess is a romantic drama that’s targeting African-Americans looking for something to see on the biggest date nights of the year. In fact, we’ve seen some interesting hits on this weekend just by putting “Date” in the movie title, as was the case with Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore’s 50 First Dates ($45.1 million four-day opening) and even Date Movie ($21.8 million), which satirized romantic movies. But the real winner has to be a movie that went all out for Valentine’s Day by actually going with the title Valentine’s Day, which helped it open with $63 million over the four-day weekend ten years ago. ($23.4 million of that was on Valentine’s Day alone!)

Since I won’t see The Photograph until Weds. night, I can only talk about the little bit of marketing I’ve seen and what’s out there. Apparently, this is more in the vein of Valentine’s Day in that it’s a series of intertwined romantic stories, but it has an impressive cast of African-American actors who are on the verge of breaking out such as the great LaKeith Stanfield and amazing Kelvin Harrison Jr., as well as Rob Morgan (from “Daredevil” and Mudbound) and Courtney B. Vance. I’d be neglect if I didn’t mention any of the women involved and having Issa Raefrom the TV show “Insecure” as the primary female lead is something that shouldn’t be ignored. Stanfield isn’t the only connection to Jordan Peele, though, asLil Rel Howery from Get Outis also in this movie as is Peele’s actual wife, Chelsea Peretti!

I actually had to double check to make sure Peele wasn’t one of the film’s producers, but no, this is from Will Packer, a producer who is responsible for so many huge hits among African-Americans that one of these days I won’t underestimate his drawing power, even though all three of his 2019 movies underdelivered, including the comedy Little (co-starring Rae), although did well compared to their lower budgets.

In that sense, The Photograph could be compared to Packer’s Screen Gems comedy About Last Night, which opened with $27.8 million in just over 2,200 theaters in 2014, but that also had the power of proven box office draw Kevin Hartto bring in audiences. I certainly don’t want to be accused of underestimating Packer again, but with such a generic title and premise (and next to no marketing?), I’m just not sure the movie will deliver despite being decent counter-programming for AA audiences. With that in mind, I think the movie will probably make somewhere between $12 and 14 million.

Then there’s DOWNHILL (Searchlight Studios), the new movie from The Way, Way Back directors Nat Faxon and Jim Rash (who also won the Oscar for cowriting Alexander Payne’s The Descendants), this one being a direct remake of Swedish filmmaker Ruben Östlund’s 2014 film Force Majeure.

In this version, Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus play a squabbling couple who travel to the alps with their kids, but after barely escaping an avalanche – one in which he runs away leaving his family behind – they start questioning their lives. The film also stars Zach Woods (also from “Veep”), Miranda Otto and Zoe Chao, and though it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival (just like the duo’s previous movie), it did not receive great reviews, as it currently sits at 48% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I don’t think that will matter since like Carey above, Ferrell hasn’t been oversaturating the market with movies in the past couple year, maybe because his last movie, Holmes & Watson, reteaming him with John C. Reilly from Step Brothers bombed with $41 million worldwide after horrifying reviews. Fortunately, Louis-Dreyfus is far more loved thanks to her run on “Seinfeld” and her Emmy-winning run on HBO’s “Veep,” and that should help get people into theaters despite all the competition aboe and below.

Searchlight (no more Fox!!) will be releasing the movie into roughly 1,500 theaters, a moderate release to see how it fares, and the extended holiday weekend (plus the chance of it attracting older moviegoers on Valentine’s Day) should help it make $5 million plus over the extended weekend.

Mini-Review: If you’re reading this review hoping for a play-by-play of how Downhill differs from Ruben Ostlund’s Force Majeure, then you’re bound to be disappointed, because a.) I don’t really remember it, b.) I wasn’t as big a fan of the movie as so many others, and c.) I’m going to assume that a lot of people never got around to seeing it.

In this version, it’s Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus as Peter and Billie Stanton, and there’s much more focus on their roles as parents and the responsibility that goes with that. Once again, Peter runs off when a controlled avalanche comes their way, but they don’t really talk about it so much even as it hangs over their heads.

Nat Faxon and Jim Rash once again find a manageable way of making “dramedy” out of a situation, making sure not to go for constant visual laughs or the zaniness Ferrell usually goes for. (Granted, we can totally believe him as a careless father/husband who does dumb things.) In fact, Ferrell plays his role fairly toned down, which allows Louis-Dreyfus to shine in what’s, oddly, a quite rare movie appearance. How they deal with the aftermath of the avalanche comes to a head when Pete’s work-buddy Zack (Zach Woods) arrives with a ladyfriend (Zoe Chao) allows the two to go at each other. It doesn’t get quite as intense as Marriage Story, but it’s obvious that they both have reached the point in their marriage where they need a separation.

It is kind of amusing that Miranda Otto almost steals her scenes with the two leads because she’s so funny as a hot-to-trot European guest they keep running into and who sets Billie up with a hot Italian ski trainer. There’s a few other funny characters but it mostly stays on Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus either alone or together, and that’ll be enough for most people.

Faxon and Rash find interesting ways to play with the basic premise, although Downhill is very much comedy with a lower-case “c,” and like the original movie, it should lead to some interesting conversations.

Rating: 7/10

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this… (bearing in mind that the below are all four-day projections). It’ll be interesting to see if the name change for “Birds of Prey” will make a difference, but look for NEON’s Parasite to make its first foray into the top 10 this weekend after 19 (!!!) weeks in theaters, thanks to its Best Picture win last Sunday.

1. Sonic the Hedgehog (Paramount) - $44 million N/A (up $1.5 million)* 2. Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey (Warner Bros) - $20 million -39% (down $1.5 million)* 3. Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (Sony) - $15.8 million N/A (up $.3 million)* 4. The Photograph (Universal) - $13.5 million N/A 5. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $8 million -35% (up .2 million)* 6. 1917 (Universal) - $7 million -23% 7. Downhill (Searchlight) - $5.6 million N/A (up .2 million)* 8. Parasite (NEON) - $5 million +300% (up .4 million and one place) 9. Dolittle (Universal) - $4.5 million -30% (down .4 million and one place) 10. Jumanji: The Next Level (Sony) - $4.2 million -24%

*UPDATE: A few minor updates based on actual theater counts with Parasite being expanded into 2,000 theaters, the widest its been so far. I feel like most of the new movies will do well, including Downhill (which will be in 2,301 theaters vs. the 1,500 estimated earlier in the week). Anyway, it should be a fairly hearty and robust weekend at the box office.

LIMITED RELEASES

Before we get to the regular limited releases opening Friday, I want to mention two special releases for Weds. night, Trafalgar Releasing is giving a one-night screening of The Doors: Break on Thru - A Celebration of Ray Manzarek, which I haven’t seen but I’m definitely interested in as a fan of the ‘60s group (and Manzarek’s keyboard work). You can get tickets for that here. Also, Kino Lorber is giving one-night release of Emily Taguchi & Jake Lefferman’s doc After Parkland to commemorate the second anniversary of the shootings at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that killed 17 people and began a nationwide student movement for gun control. It’s a fairly sobering and emotional doc, as you can imagine, especially since so little has been done to prevent incidents like this even two years later.

My favorite movie of the weekend is Jeremy Teicher’s OLYMPIC DREAMS ( IFC Films), opening at the IFC Center Friday. It stars Nick Kroll (who you’ll know from “The League,” “Oh, Hello” and other things) and (actual Olympian distance runner) Alexi Pappas, who you may or may not be as familiar with. Pappas plays Penelope, an American competitor in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, who is feeling lonely and unable to connect with others until she meets Kroll’s volunteer dentist, Ezra. While at first, it wouldn’t seem like they would have anything in common, they spend a night hanging out and while some might be expecting something romantic, since this is opening on Valentine’s Day, well I won’t ruin what does or doesn’t happen, k? Either way, it’s a wonderful film co-written by Teichter, Pappas and Kroll, and if that sounds like a familiar formula, then it is indeed the one Richard Linklater used for his sequels to Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Olympic Dreams isn’t nearly as deep and philosophical (or wordy), but the two actors are so wonderful together, and they actually filmed this in the Athletes Village at the Olympics (the first film to do so) which adds some authenticity to the sweet little movie. (There will be a sneak preview Weds night at the IFC Center with Teicher, Kroll and Pappas all in attendance!)

Danish filmmaker Lone Scherfig returns with THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS (Vertical), a star-studded ensemble piece starring Zoe Kazan, Andrea Riseborough, Caleb Landry Jones, Jay Baruchel and Bill Nighy (who appeared in Lone’s previous film Their Finest). This is a New York City story about six strangers whose lives intersect and mingle while trying to find help, hope and love. I know it sounds like the Crash-style movie we’ve seen far too many times before, but I have faith in Ms. Scherfig and hopefully I’ll have a chance to watch it in the next day or two.

I also still haven’t gotten around to watching Kenji Tanagaki’s action-comedy ENTER THE FAT DRAGON (Go WELL USA), starring the always-amazing Donnie Yen as police officer Zhu, who is sent to Japan on a routine police escort of a suspect… who mysteriously dies, forcing Zhu to call upon a former undercover inspector to help solve the murder. I’m assuming the latter is the “Fat Dragon” and Yen didn’t gain 200 lbs. for the part.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

I didn’t have too much to say about Céline Sciamma’s PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE (NEON), because I think I wrote about it last year, and I haven’t seen the movie since the New York Film Festival. Set in the 18thCentury, it’s about a woman painter who travels to a remote island where she’s commissioned to do a painting of a grieving widow, who she ends up falling in love with. I probably should see the movie again as it didn’t really connect with me the first time, but I can totally understand why others love it so much. (Unfortunately, the 7:10 screening on Friday night at the Angelika with a QnA moderated by my pal, Valerie Complex, is already sold out!)

The second documentary in the last year about a man named “Cunningham” (a different one this time) is Mark Bozek’s The Times of Bill Cunningham (Greenwich) about the famed photographer who died in 2016… and whom I know even less about than I did dancer/choreographer Merce Cunningham. Apparently, he was a New York Timesphotographer for four decades and had a long relationship with First Lady Jackie Kennedy, and this doc is even narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker! It also opens at the Angelika and City Cinemas 1, 2 & 3, and maybe L.A.?

Due to the usual conflicts and circumstances, I wasn’t able to see Lisa Barros D'Sa and Glenn Leyburn’s Ordinary Love (Bleecker Street) as planned, but it’s an appropriately-timed romantic drama starring Liam Neeson and Lesley Manville as a middle-aged couple who must deal with her beast cancer diagnosis. I actually am interested in seeing this, especially to see Neeson back in serious drama mode (it’s been a while), so hopefully I’ll have a chance to see this down the road.

Also opening Friday is Tanya Wexler’s Buffaloed (Magnolia), starring Zoey Deutch as Peg Dahl, a young woman living in Buffalo, the debt collection capital of America but hopes to get out of town and into an Ivy League university. When she’s accepted to her top choice but can’t afford the tuition, she gets pulled into the rope of debt collection. Also starring Judy Greer, Germaine Fowler, Noah Reid and Jai Courtney, it will open at New York’s Quad Cinema, the Loz Feliz 3 in L.A., Buffalo’s North Park Theater and more theaters.

Another SXSW 2019 movie is Richard Wong’s Come As You Are (Samuel Goldwyn), starring Gabourey Sidibe, Grant Rosenmeyer, Ravi Patel, Hayden Szeto and Janeane Garofolo. The three guys in the middle play men with disabilities who go on a road trip to a Montreal brothel to get away from their suffocating parents. Sidibe (from Precious) plays their travelling nurse who drives them across the border to help them lose their virginity. This is an English remake of the Belgian Film Hasta La Vista about the real-life adventure of Asta Philpot.

Sara Zandieh’s indie rom-com A Simple Wedding (Blue Fox Entertainment) also opens in theaters and On Demand on Valentine’s Day, this one following an Iranian-American named Nousha (Tara Grammy) whose hopes for a Persian wedding are dashed when she falls for a bisexual artist/DJ named Alex (Christopher O’Shea). She has to make sure her parents don’t realize they’re living together before marriage. The film also stars Shohreh Aghdashloo, Rita Wilson, Maz Jobrani, Peter McKenzie and James Eckhouse.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

Some cool festivals and series in New York are happening this weekend to offer competition for all the choices above.

Let’s begin with the “Winter Showcase” for one of my favorite annual film festivals, the New York Asian Film Festivalsubtitled “Love at First Bite,” since they’re including a special Valentine’s Day screening of the Korean hit Extreme Job followed by a reception including delicious Korean food. The rest of the line-up is probably more appropriate for the rep section as it will including Asian classics like Stephen Chow’s God of Cookery (1996), Ang Lee’s Eat Drink Man Woman (1994),Tampopo (1985) on Saturday, as well as Ritesh Batra’s amazing The Lunchbox and more on Sunday.

Up at Film at Lincoln Center, there’s the annual “Neighboring Scenes,” the annual celebration of “New Latin American Cinema,” opening Friday with Joanna Reposi Garibaldi’s Lemebel, a documentary about writer/visual artist Pedro Lemebel and his controversial performances amidst Chilean upheaval. Of course, I’m most interested in the Brazilian offerings, but sadly, there just isn’t enough time in the day/week to see as many of the films in this series I’m curious about including the New York premiere of Ema from Chile’s Pablo Larrain (Neruda, Jackie). Click on the link above and check out that line-up.

Further North (in terms of global geography) but South (in terms of New York City geography) is this year’s “Canada Now” series, taking place at the IFC Center from Thursday through Sunday. It will kick off with Guest of Honor, the new film from Canada’s Atom Egoyan, starring David Thewlis and Laysla De Oliveira as father and music school teacher daughter whose lives become complicated when she’s put in prison for earlier crimes. There are seven other movies in this series, most of them getting their U.S. debuts, so that’s another alternative for what could be a busy movie-going weekend.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Lots of stuff premiering on streaming services this weekend including the British animated sequel A Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon on Netflix, as well as the rom-com sequel To All the Boys: PS I Still Love You, which will premiere on Weds and may end up being the “Netflix and chill” choice for many young people on V-Day. (I honestly never got around to seeing the first movies of either of those yet!)

Over on Hulu, they’re premiering the gender-swapped series loosely based on Nick Horny’s High Fidelity, this one starring Zoe Kravitz, the daughter of Lisa Bonet, who appeared opposite John Cusack in Stephen Frears’ adaptation of Hornby’s book from 2000 that was one of my favorite movies that year! Wait a second, even though Kravitz plays a character named Rob, just like Cusack, is she meant to be the daughter of Cusack and Bonet’s characters in that movie? That would be intense! (But probably not. I’m sure I’ll check it out.)

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

The Metrograph’s Valentine’s Dayweekend offerings include Casablanca (1942), Howard Hawks’ 1944 film To Have and Have Not, the 1932 film Trouble in Paradise, Douglas Sirk’s Written on the Wind (1956) and another screening of Makoto Shinkai’s animated Your Name. The “To Hong Kong with Love” series continues through the end of February, this weekend screening Yellowing (2016), which I haven’t seen.This weekend, the Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxwill offer two more screenings of Edward Yang’s 4-hour 1991 film A Brighter Summer Day, while Late Nites at Metrograph will screen Nagisa Oshima’s 1978 film Empire of Passion, also which I have never seen! Rounding out the weekend’s Asian offering is the Playtime: Family Matineesoffering of Yoshifumi Kondo’s 1995 animated film Whisper of the Heart, which guess what? I haven’t seen that either! Clearly, I need to try to get to one of the four movies, right?

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is the Susan Sarandon-James Spader romantic drama White Palace (1990). Oddly, the Alamo is CLOSED on Valentine’s Day.. is this true?!? On Sunday is a special “Drew Believers: Drew Barrymore Movie Marathon” with four of Barrymore’s movies in 35mm! (As of this writing, there are a few seats available near the front.) Monday’s “Fist City” is Sam Raimi’s The Quick and The Dead from 1995 and that’s quickly selling out as well. The “Terror Tuesday” is James Gunn’s hilarious Slither and then next week’s “Weird Wednesday” is the 1987 Ken Russell film Gothic.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Wednesday’s “Afternoon Classic” is the 1961 Oscar-winning musical West Side Story. Weds and Thursday night’s double feature is Robert Altman’s 1971 film McCabe & Mrs. Miller and Sydney Pollack’s 1972 film Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. This week’s “Freaky Friday” offering is the classic The Bride of Frankenstein (1935, while Friday’s midnight movie is True Romanceand Saturday’s midnight is 1978’s Mean Dog Blues in 16mm! This weekend continues the “Kiddee Matinee” run with the Alfonso Cuaron-directed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Monday’s matinee of David Lynch’s Wild at Heart is already sold out but that night is a Robert Clouse double feature of The Pack(1977) and Darker than Amber (1970). Tuesday’s Grindhouse double feature is 1976’s Sky Riders and 1981’s Force: Five.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Thursday is a “Black Voices” double feature of Car Wash (1976) and Cooley High (1975) with guest including Bill Duke in person. John Sayles and Joe Dante will be on hand Friday night for a “John Sayles: Independent” double feature of Piranha (1978) and The Howling (1981). This weekend is the “HFPA Restoration Summit” including a Saturday afternoon presentation called “Serge Bromberg Presents from the Silent Era” with the Lobster Films founder, while the one and only Jane Fonda will be on-hand Saturday evening to present a 4k restoration of the 1972 film F.T.A., which she produced with Donald Sutherland. Saturday night is a screening of The Black Vampire, the 1953 Argentine adaptation of Fritz Lang’s M, and there’s more classic cinema on Sunday as part of the series.

AERO (LA):

Thursday’s “Antiwar Cinema” matinee is Richard Attenborough’s Oh! What a Lovely War from 1969 with an all-star cast, while that night is a Eugene Levy/Christopher Guest double feature of A Might Windand For Your Consideration. The AERO is ALSO showing Casablancaon Valentine’s Day and then Saturday is another Levy/Guest double feature of Best in Show (2000)and Waiting for Guffman (1996) with Levy doing a discussion between films. John Sayles and Frances McDormand will appear in person for a Sunday afternoon double feature of 1996’s Lone Star and 1999’s Limbo.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

MOMI is going a bit crazy with its Valentine’s offering but it’s a good one…Jane Fonda in 1968’s Barbarella as part of its new 2001-inspired series “See It Big! Outer Space”! (If MOMI wasn’t all the way in Astoria, I’d totally go.) It will play again Sunday with Tarkovsky’s Solaris (1972) playing on Friday and Saturday and 1979’s Star Trek: The Motion Pictureon Sunday. Sunday will also be a repeat of Kubrick’s 1969 film 2001: A Space Odyssey in 70mm with a discussion before the movie between Doug Trumbull and Piers Bizony. There’s also the usual DCP screening of 2001on Saturday afternoon, as part of the exhibition. On Saturday, they’ll screen Marjane Satrapi’s excellent Persepolis(2007) as part of its “World of Animation.”

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Starting Friday, the Forum will be screening a DCP restoration of Luchino Visconti’s L’Innocente (1976), starring Giancarlo Giannini. This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is Guys and Dolls from 1955, starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons and Frank Sinatra. (If you read this on Wednesday, you can catch Joseph Strick’s 1963 film The Balcony, starring Shelley Winters, Peter Falk and Lee Grant, in 35mm.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

The Quad’s run of Pandora and the Flying Dutchman continues through the weekend, and there will be Valentine’s Day screenings of Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy on Thursday and Friday night. (How romantic!)

ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES (NYC):

The Anthology’s great “The Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” continues this weekend with screenings of Robert Eggers’ The Witch, Alan Parker’s Angel Heart, another screening of Rosemary’s Baby, as well as screenings of Race with the Devil on Weds. and Thursday night. I missed it last week but they’ve been showing Mark Rappaport’s 1975 film Mozart in Love the past week, as well.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The Cage-athon continues Weds. with Neil Labute’s The Wicker Man (2006) and 2009’s Knowing on Thursday. Valentine’s Day sees screening of Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo + Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, as well as the 1987 Nicolas Cage movie Moonstruck, co-starring Cher. Spike Jonez and Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation (2003), starring Cage, repeats on Saturday.

NITEHAWK CINEMA (NYC):

Williamsburg‘s “Uncaged” series continues Friday with last year’s Mandy at midnight and 1983’s Valley Girl on Saturday morning. Casabalanca is also playing at the Prospect Park on Thursday, and unrelated but Back to the Future will play there on Monday night. Billy Wilder’s 1954 film Sabrina, starring Bogart, Hepburn and Holden will play on Saturay morning.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel is back with Belle de Jour from 1967, starring Catherine Deneuve. Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020 will screen the animated Ghost in the Shell, while Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020 will also go with an Anime film, Paprika.

MOMA (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon is off Weds. and Thursday but will return Friday with Billy Wilder’s Irma La Douce (1963).

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

BAM will continue to show Horace Jenkins’ 1982 film Cane River through the weekend.

Next week, the second to last week of February (man, it flew right by!) will include Fox’s The Call of the Wild, starring Harrison Ford, and the horror sequel, Brahms: The Boy II.

#TheWeekendWarrior Movies Reviews SonicTheHedgehog FantasyIsland Downhill ThePhotograph OlympicDreams Repertory Streaming

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the-desolated-quill · 6 years

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The Quill Seal Of Approval Awards - The Best of 2018

Hello and welcome, dear reader, to the greatest, most important awards ceremony in the history of entertainment. The Quill Seal Of Approval Awards. The award of recognition that everyone on Earth covets even though they don’t know it. For the Quill Seal Of Approval is a most esteemed prize for hard work and artistry. Better than the Golden Globes, more prestigious than the BAFTAs and guaranteed to be more diverse than the Academy Awards. You know your film, novel, TV show or video game has achieved legendary status when some random nobody on the internet says it’s the best in some obscure top 10 list that’s read by only a couple of people. That’s the true sign of success.

First, a few parish notices. Obviously this is my subjective opinion, so if you disagree with my choices, that’s fine. Go make your own list. (also remember that my opinion is 100% objective, scientific, factual and literal truth and anyone who disagrees is clearly a philistine and a dummy and a poopy-head whose mum smells of elderberries). Also please bear in mind that I haven’t been able to experience everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, please don’t be upset that A Star Is Born isn’t on this list. I’m sure it’s as amazing as everyone says it is. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay. Let us begin.

Inside No. 9 - Series 4

BBC2′s Inside No. 9, written by the League of Gentlemen’s Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith, is an anthology series that’s often sadly overlooked, but it’s really worth a watch if you’re into shows like Black Mirror and The Twilight Zone, and this series in particular has been fantastic. We’ve had an episode written entirely in iambic pentameter, an episode whose chronology runs backwards, a live episode that really plays around with the format, episodes containing tragic and biting satire, and one especially twisted episode that brings out a side of Steve Pemberton we’ve never seen before. Series 4 has been a real treat from start to finish, with each episode beautifully written and expertly performed. Inside No. 9 deserves to share the same pedestal as Black Mirror, no question.

Black Panther

I’m sure everyone knows about my less than flattering views on the Marvel Cinematic Universe by now, which is what made Black Panther such a breath of fresh air for me. Stripping away all the convoluted crap, Black Panther has often been compared to The Dark Knight, and for good reason. Like The Dark Knight, this movie uses the superhero genre to tackle real social and political issues. In Black Panther’s case, exploring just what it means to be black in the modern world. Boasting an impressive cast of black actors, strong female characters, an engaging and complex antagonist, fantastic special effects and truly excellent direction from Ryan Coogler, Black Panther represents a new benchmark for Marvel, the superhero genre and the film industry in general. It proves how important and how lucrative diversity and representation in media can be, and it unintentionally shows how flawed the Marvel business model has become. The reason behind Black Panther’s success is simple. It’s because it’s bloody brilliant. And the reason it’s bloody brilliant is because Coogler was allowed to realise his own creative vision without Kevin Feige and Mickey Mouse breathing down his neck. Perhaps they should take note of that in future.

Deadpool 2

Of course Deadpool 2 is going to be on this list. Are you really surprised?

The Merc with the Mouth goes from strength to strength in the rare instance where the sequel is actually as good as, if not better than, the original. The first Deadpool was a great origin story for the character, but Deadpool 2 felt like an adventure ripped straight from the comics themselves. Crass, ultra violent and hysterically funny, Deadpool 2 is the crowning jewel of the X-Men franchise. Fan favourites such as Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus return as well as new characters such as Domino, played by the exceptional Zazie Beetz, Cable, played by the astounding Josh Brolin, and Firefist, played by Julian Dennison who deserves all the success in the world because good God this kid can act!

But of course the star of the film is Deadpool himself with Ryan Reynolds once again proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he understands this character back to front. Not only is he hysterically funny, capturing the character’s irreverent tone perfectly, he also absolutely nails the tragic underpinnings of Deadpool that make him such a wonderful character. In between the f-bombs and gore are moments of real drama and emotional pathos as the film tackles themes such as loss, discrimination, abuse and suicidal depression. All this whilst taking the piss out of 2017′s Logan.

Oh yeah, and it also features the first openly LGBT superheroes in cinematic history. Fuck you Disney! NegaYukio and Poololosus for the win! LOL! No, but seriously, now that you have the rights to X-Men back, if you try and censor Deadpool in any way, shape or form, I will kick your arse.

God Of War (2018)

“BOY!”

Yes Kratos is back, having successfully destroyed the world of Greek mythology and now has his eyes on the Norse Gods. And he has a son now. What could possibly go wrong?

Seriously though, this new God Of War is simply exquisite. While I have long admired the God Of War franchise for its interpretation and adaptation of Greek mythology, the previous games in the series have never exactly been the most sophisticated when it comes to storytelling (and the less said about the casual sexism, the better. Yes Sony, I promise I understand the thematic reasons behind playing a minigame that allows you to have sex with Aphrodite in God Of War 3, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s sexist as shit). God Of War 2018 changes all that with an intelligent and engaging story that allows us understand and connect with Kratos at a more personal level than we’ve ever done before. Taking place years after God Of War 3, Kratos is older, wiser and trying to raise his son Atreus in the hopes that he won’t make the same mistakes Kratos did in his past. Not only is the story amazing, continuing the franchise’s themes of vengeance and the strained relationships between parents and their children, the gameplay is also a ton of fun with many memorable moments and boss fights.

And as an added bonus, we get two strong female characters that aren’t treated like discardable sex objects. That was nice of them.

Incredibles 2

The long awaited sequel to The Incredibles finally arrived in 2018 and it did not disappoint. Incredibles 2 was everything I could have wanted and more. Continuing on from the events of the first movie, we see Elastigirl take the spotlight as she fights the Screenslaver whilst trying to persuade the worlds’ governments to lift the ban on superheroes. Meanwhile Mr. Incredible takes a back seat as he tries to reconnect with his kids Violet, Dash and Jack-Jack and prove he can be a good, supportive dad.

Continuing to draw inspiration from Fantastic Four, X-Men and Watchmen, Incredibles 2 is... well... incredible. Expanding the world he created, Brad Bird tells a smart, funny and compelling story that stands head and shoulders above the majority of superhero movie fodder we get nowadays. Elastigirl flourishes in the lead role this time around and the kids get a lot more development, the Screenslaver is a great villain that compliments the themes of the franchise wonderfully, and we get to see a whole bunch of new characters such as Voyd and the Deavor siblings as well as the return of old favourites like Frozone and Edna Mode.

Honestly, the baby alone is worth the price of admission. Hopefully we won’t have to wait another fourteen years for Incredibles 3.

Marvel’s Spider-Man

Marvel’s Spider-Man is an amazing game. But of course you knew that already. It’s made by Insomniac Games, the same guys behind Ratchet & Clank. Of course it was going to be brilliant.

Simply put, this game does for Spider-Man what the Arkham games did for Batman. Not only is it a great game with brilliant combat and fun web swinging mechanics, it also has a great story worthy of the wall crawler. Unlike the movies, which seem to continuously yank Peter Parker back into high school with each new reboot as those the poor bastard were attached to the fucker on a bungee rope, this Spidey has been fighting crime for eight years. With great power comes many responsibilities as we see him struggle to juggle crime fighting, his new job as a scientist, his commitments to helping Aunt May at the F.E.A.S.T shelter and trying to win his ex Mary Jane Watson back after a six month split. It’s a brilliant story featuring many classic villains such as Shocker and Electro as well as lesser known villains like Screwball and the criminally underrated Mister Negative who finally gets to be the central antagonist in a Spider-Man adaptation. It’s fun to play, engaging, dramatic and really emotional at points. I cried real tears at the end. What a punch to the gut that was.

OOOOOH! And we might be getting to play as Miles Morales in the sequel! I sure hope so! :D

The Grinch

At this point I imagine many of you are scratching your heads.

“Really Quill? The Grinch? Illumination’s The Grinch? This deserves the Quill Seal Of Approval? Are you sure?” Yes dear reader, I’m absolutely sure. Just hear me out.

It’s true that the majority of Dr Seuss adaptations are shit. While the live action version of the Grinch starring Jim Carrey has a cult following and is fondly remembered by some, it’s still pretty crap, and even Illumination themselves screwed up royally with their adaptation of The Lorax. But this new Grinch is truly excellent. For starters, the animation is gorgeous. This is clearly the format that works best for Seuss movies. Benedict Cumberbatch does a really good job voicing the character, giving him depth and complexity beyond just being a big old meanie. The film also has something no other Seuss film has ever had before. Subtlety. Illumination have clearly learned their lesson after The Lorax. They’re no longer bashing you over the head with a moral message. They’re not trying to over-complicate a simple story by adding pointless sub-plot after pointless sub-plot. In fact the bits they do add actually feed into the main core of the narrative, as opposed to The Lorax, which just confused things. And while there are cute Minion-esque sidekicks like there are in a lot of Illumination films, The Grinch limits it to two (Max the dog and a reindeer named Fred), they’re both legitimately funny, serve an important narrative purpose and don’t distract from the more serious and emotional moments.

In all honesty, I was debating between giving the Quill Seal of Approval to The Grinch or to Bumblebee (the first legitimately good Transformers movie), but I decided to go with The Grinch because of how it handles the character and the story’s message. A lot of people scoffed at the idea of giving the Grinch a back story (and to the film’s credit they don’t force the issue or over-explain where the Grinch came from) but it’s honestly what makes this new adaptation of The Grinch so special to me. He’s gone from being a Scrooge-like monster to an anxiety filled misanthrope who associates Christmas with being alone. It may sound like a jarring change on paper, but in practice it honestly works so well and adds a whole new dimension to the Grinch. It’s treated with absolute care and sincerity and the film really earns its emotional moments, particularly at the end when we see the Grinch sit down to have Christmas dinner with the Whos.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you give this new Grinch a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised :)

Doctor Who - Series 11

A woman?! In the TARDIS?! How absurd!

Jodie Whittaker made history as the first woman to play the Doctor and the new series doesn’t disappoint. Whittaker is predictably brilliant in the role, giving the character compassion, charm and wit. We also get a new bunch of companions (including the always brilliant Bradley Walsh as Graham) who all have some great moments in Series 11 and the relationships they form with each other is incredibly touching and fun to watch. But the writing, my God, the writing. Admittedly not every episode has been perfect, but it’s leagues above anything Moffat has given us during his disastrous reign. The majority of Series 11 has been well written and intelligent, tackling important and relevant social issues (something Doctor Who has always been doing and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot) and focusing on likeable and relatable characters rather than convoluted series arcs. We got to meet Rosa Parks, witness the partition of India, and ponder on the dangers of automation whilst the Doctor tries to save the world from bubble wrap. Oh, and the Daleks are scary again! I know! I couldn’t believe it either!

What makes this all the more remarkable is who the showrunner is. Chris Chibnall. A writer I’ve often criticised in the past for being derivative and shit, and yet somehow he’s managed to create some of the best Doctor Who I’ve seen in a long time. Not only has his writing improved dramatically since his Torchwood days, he’s also demonstrated a commitment to having diverse representation both in front of and behind the camera as well as in the scripts themselves. For the first time in what feels like an age, Doctor Who feels like Doctor Who again, and I’m ecstatically happy.

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

How come we don’t see many animated superhero movies in the cinema? Considering the medium from which superheroes came from, you’d think it would be a no-brainer. Presumably it’s because Disney have got such a strangle hold on the animation market, but that’s hopefully going to change thanks to Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse (or, Sony’s Repentance for The Emoji Movie).

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. The animation is gorgeous. It’s pretty much an animated comic book and it stands out as one of the most unique looking animated films in recent memory. Spider-Verse is essentially a love letter to the legacy of Spider-Man as we see multiple different versions of Spidey, including Spider-Gwen, Spider-Ham and Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider cosplaying as Spider-Man Noir, demonstrating not only the sheer variety of Spider-Men we’ve had over the years, but also exploring what connects them together. With all these different interpretations across many different universes, the idea of Spider-Man comes to the same thing. An ordinary person who experiences tragedy and becomes something greater. It’s hopeful and inspirational in a way Spider-Man films hasn’t been for a while now (Spider-Man: Homecoming sucked donkey balls. Period).

But let’s not forget that while the film explores the Spider-Verse, the main focus is Miles Morales who finally makes his cinematic debut. Not only is it a very faithful adaptation of Ultimate Spider-Man’s origin story, Miles himself is such a great central character for the modern age and arguably has more relevance to today than Peter Parker does. The characters are funny and relatable and the story is expertly crafted and impactful. But then what do you expect from the writers and directors of The Lego Movie? (if only Disney hadn’t interfered with Solo: A Star Wars Story. We could have had it all).

Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle

This one kind of snuck up on me toward the end of December, but I knew the moment I saw it I had to include it on this list.

Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle is an adaptation of The Jungle Book with Andy Serkis making his directorial debut. Yes the same guy who did the motion capture for Gollum in Lord Of The Rings and Caesar in the rebooted Planet Of The Apes movies and who totes deserves an Oscar for Best Actor (fuck you Academy Awards!), and he brings this same motion capture technology to this film. Unlike Disney’s Jungle Book, which merely rehashes the original animated film whilst somehow stripping all the charm from it, Mowgli sticks closer to the original Rudyard Kipling book. This isn’t a cheery musical. This film is often dark and intense as we see Mowgli (played wonderfully by Rohan Chand) struggle to find his place in the world. He knows he doesn’t belong with the animals in the jungle, but he doesn’t really fit in with the world of man neither. It’s an emotional and dramatic character piece brought to life by great writing, great acting and stunning special effects.

Andy Serkis has expressed a desire to do an adaptation of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, and after watching this movie, I would love to see that. If you haven’t already, go watch Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle. It’s available to stream on Netflix and it’s truly amazing.

And that’s it for 2018. Congratulations to the winners of this year’s Quill Seal Of Approval Awards. Unfortunately we’re on a limited budget here on The Desolated Quill, so I can’t offer any sort of trophy or medal or anything. What I can do though is write the words ‘I’m an awesome cookie’ on a post-it note and stick it on your forehead. Will that do?

#quill seal of approval awards 2018 #quill seal of approval awards #best of the year #review #opinion

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hallucinosims · 6 years

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Hi here’s the get to know me tag let’s get to knowing

I was tagged in this by @gunthermunch

125 questions under the cut, if you do decide to read i suggest getting a snack first

I tag @emovatore @humanitys-shortest @liliithvatore if you haven’t done it yet

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Elio

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? Lee and Leo are the go-tos in real life but I get called Hall on here and I think that’s a rad nickname too

3. BIRTHDAY? Feb 5th

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? I am a slut for the Percy Jackson series and Leo Valdez was one of the reasons why I started going by Leo more often then my full name

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Yes yes absolutely yes. One, earth really can’t be the only planet in a universe with infinite possibilities to have life on it, you know? And ghosts is more like a spirit thing.

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? oooh fuck me up this is a hard one uhhhhhh Classic author probably Edgar Allen Poe but Contempoary I’d say Tony Kushner

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? the Musical Theatre station

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? I don’t really like... food. I don’t enjoy it. But I guess I like savory over sweet

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? neat

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? Liar by Queen or Greek God by Conan Gray

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? I-Cunt-tic, pronounced like iconic but... you know

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? Please Never Fall in love again Ollie MN

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? Kidding, that Jim Carrey tv show that premiered this year. Beautifully edited and told story

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? I’ve seen Bohemian Rhapsody 6 times this month alone so probably that on wards

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? yes

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? dying in the same place i was born

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my empathy

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? the depression (tm)

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? idk, i’m not really an animal person

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? nah

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? playing in the ika playscape

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? i have quite a few best friends but when im at school/work then my good friend Julio

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? a very doe eyed dark brown

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? i re-dyed my hair black recently so let’s go with that

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my mom

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my dad

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? myself

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? going to denmark to be a farm gay on my semester off

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? currently Sims, Queen, and Falsettos (the musical)

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? i didn’t have cable but there is no way in hell i’m saying cyberchase so, Mia and Miguel

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? Julio

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? very

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? none that i can think of

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT?i actually really enjoy both

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? True West, it’s a really good play

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ...Bohemian Rhapsody for the 6th time

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? most stringed instruments i can figure out pretty quickly but i’m best at guitar and piano

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? humans

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? i follow over 5k people i don’t even know who i follow

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? basically Kirby. I want the power to take others powers

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in michigan on rainy afternoons in my bunk bed with my laptop on my lap. Or like, the floor of a bookstore

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? loaded question

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? I used to do competitve dance, competitve cheer, biking, and volleyball

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? watah

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? like a week ago to my grandma, she likes getting post cards in the mail

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? i used to be. not so much anymore

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? people who saunter. We got places to be fellas

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? yup!

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? i’m to anemic to be either

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a performer

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? i’m actually not to into media that take place in other... wait i take it back i wanna live in Hobbiton

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? breathing

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? ehh sometimes

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? It’s a part of my career so hopefully

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? i’m skippin school rn

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? manhattan Lower East Side

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? Manhattan’s Lower East Side. I live in the Upper West Side right now and it’s aight but it’s not the LES

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? nope

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? i just dont sleep

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER?sunrises

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? nah

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? earbuds

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? yee

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? anything

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Tony Kushner

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? yee and before you ask my fave is Deadpool

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? when people be on some bullshit

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? real book

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? IN High School I loved history

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? one sister who is ten years older than I am

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? ... iced coffee despite it being 30 degrees out

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′3

75. CAN YOU COOK? I’d like to think so. Wish I had a oven tho

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? music, my family (sometimes) I’m trying to love myself so let’s throow that one in there

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? people who stroll/saunter, when people are on their bullshit, dark chocolate

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? male “friends”. But, I know a lot more girls that I keep up with more often.

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? lesbian

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? Manhattan, Upper West Side

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? Me mam

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Thursday in my Theatre class but we were all crying so i’ll let it slide

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? i don’t really watch anyone consistently

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? i do

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? tinder

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? prety solid i love them both even if my mom hates my sexuality and threatened locking me at home when i came out to herelol

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? italian

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT?Copenhagen! I’ve wanted to go to Denmark since I was ten

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 7

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Nah son

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? defenitly a lot less than my story style insists lol. I do believe in God tho

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? LOADED QUESTION BECAUSE I WANNA EXPLORE BOTH

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? ehhhhhhhh no

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? strawberries and some medicine that i can’t remember the name of

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yes i’m a lesbian it’s what we do

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? nah

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Literally anytime i’m wrong about soomething. I love being exposed, put in my place, roasted.

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? Forest so I can find my mans... my MOTH mans

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? you know what you want, don’t let your concerns get in the way of your ambitions

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? Yes

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? Ravenclaw

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? Deadass I talk to myself more often than otherpeople

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? introverted

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? yee

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? I give everyone I can think of second chances because i’m a forgiving sone of a bitch and yet they continue TO BE ON SOME BULLSHIT

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? THat be mine i may be forgiving by moral compass be broke as hell and I haven’t eaten in like 3 days because i’m so broke

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? When I’m answering this question for a job application i sure do

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? tragicallu

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? yes

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? i have 5 holes in my ears and a nostreil piercing

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Mark Cohen or LEO VALDEZ

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? yes 2, one chest, one forearm. But that’s only because I don’t have money i need more

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? move to new york

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yes and she’s a bitch

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? both

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? eventually I feel like I would make a pretty solid kid

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? my dad

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? Being high for three days straight

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? i just finished pulling one

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black as you can see by my simself i really do dress pretty much only in black because i aged poorly out of my goth phase

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? yeeee

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? Yep, Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, Trade Show stuff, probably for school or local news a few times

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 18

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? Know in your soul like your blood knows the way from your heart to your brain, know that you’re whole. - HEdwig and the Angry Inch

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? This is a really boring last question but savory but if you made it this far i’ll expose myself a little more. I’m black and Jewish, I go to a performing arts Conservatory, and this took me so long to answer because I hooked up with someone in Brooklyn last night and i had trouble getting back to my dorm.

#get to know me tag #hall posts #saviorhide #long posts

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

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tube thoughts vol. 2

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

zack snyder's 300: Rise of an Empire *Lady warrior commandeers the battle scenes and saves it from being a male meat fest like the first film.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Independence Day" *One way to make this movie more moronic would be if social media existed in its world at the time.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Cannon films "Ninja 3: The Domination" *Spunky shinobi, you must avenge me!* 3 stars

Septic Man *Municipal shit-storm* either zero stars for grossness or 3 stars for grossness and surrealness

"The Stuff" a Larry Cohen film starring Michael Moriarty *Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it.* 3 stars

Farscape premier episode *Awol from the ratcage.* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's: Darkplace "The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shoggoth" *Brocolli from space. I'd thought it had tasted odd.* 3 stars

Albert Pyun's "Omega Doom" starring Rutger Hauer *It's nice to know after we've killed ourselves off, through constant warfare, sentient robots will become gun nuts and start acting out cold war westerns.* 2 1/2 stars

Kenny vs. Spenny: "Who Can Sell More Bibles?" *The Devil is in the details.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: Clive Barker's "Valerie on the Stairs" *Another bodice-ripper.* 2 stars

"I Spit On Your Grave" uncut 1978 either zero stars or 3 stars

"Beyond the Door" *Paranormal pregnancy with personality.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "The Condemned Woman" *Josie and the pine weasels* 2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night: Vol 7 -- 3 stars

Seinfeld: "The Frogger" *George's high score.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Mr. R.I.N.G." *What's the difference between right and wrong? robot need to know.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible "The Rise and Fall of God" *Homeschool is the answer.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents Andrew Stevens' "Subliminal Seduction" featuring Sharknado's Ian Ziering and Critters' Dee Wallace Stone *CD-ROM Inception meets Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" type inept erotic thriller.* 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "eXistenZ" *Jennifer Jason Leigh penetrates Jude Law's port hole in order to play an addictive and twisted version of The Sims.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" *Butter scraped over too much bread.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

"Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" *Han Solo babysits a brat-pack ginger cutie, Ernie Hudson is Lando, and Michael Ironside is a Darth Humongous who believes that Earth Girls Are Easy.* 3 stars

"Riddick" *Robinson Crusoe machismo* 3 stars

Farscape: "I, E.T." *My name is Mud.* 3 stars

Dominion: pilot episode *Bright light city gonna set my soul on fire.* 2 1/2 stars

"Thor: Dark World" *Science lady Padme pines for Adam of Eternia so that she inadvertently stumbles into the evil fudge and awakens the 9th Doctor Keebler Who causes the realms to converge like ornaments on an imploding Christmas tree.* 3 stars

"Priest" *Paul Bettany's Obi-Wan character is disenchanted with his forced retirement in a Catholic 1984 dystopia and his regret filled dreams lead to the wasteland where his fallen knights of the old republic partner, a cowboy from hell Karl Urban, lurks about with his horde of bloodsucking bandits and xenomorph vampires. A decent cameo from Brad Dourif as a snake oil salesman. This movie's biggest flaw is that it forgets the classic genre work of Sergio Leone, John Carpenter, and George Miller and instead mimmicks the cliche Matrix ripoff style hack work of Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil flicks.* 2 stars

"Scanners 2: The New Order" *If you get inside me, go gently, and easy on the nosebleeds. This kind of telepathic power in the hands of a fascist P.D., no thankee.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Christmas Special: Charles Band's "Pets" *Inhabits the same universe as other weird, dumb kids' adventure comedies like 'Garbage Pail Kids', 'The Super Mario Bros Movie', 'Ernest Scared Stupid', and 'Problem Child 1 & 2'* 1 1/2 stars

Sami Rami & The Coen Bros present "Crimewave" aka "The XYZ Murders" *Reminiscent of the Three Stooges, classic Mel Brooks, 40s cartoons, humorous Tom Waits song tales, and the original SNL.* 3 stars

Udo Kier in "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Miss OSbourne' --sexploitation-- *Show me where it hurts. Fill me with hatred. My pleasure is seeing your dead body.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "Right to Die" *The crispy, vengeful ghost of Terry Shiavo.* 3 stars

William Lustig's "Vigilante" starring Robert Forster & Fred Williamson *Regular Joe nihilism* 3 stars

rifftrax presents Ridley Scott's "Alien" *H.R. Giger porn on the sattelite of love.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Josh Brolin is DC's "Jonah Hex" *Sometimes spooky, often dumb B-western that's sadly too gutless to show any blood n grit. Still it might fit into a marathon of 'The Quick and the Dead', 'Five Bloody Graves', 'Navajo Joe', and 'Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.'* 2 stars

"Rhinestone Cowgirls" 1982 --xxx-- *Easy listenin' and screwin', plus plenty of other prickly situations protruding in Cactus Corner.* 2 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Primal Scream" *Unfrozen caveman mauler.* 3 stars

"Shogun Assassin" *Daddy day samurai* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Dino De Laurentiis presents "Orca" *starring Richard Harris as a salty sea-dog, Charlotte Rampling as a sensitive marine biologist, Bo Derek as a sexy shipmate and Shamu snack, plus the indian fella from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' lending his wisdom by saying things like, "The old ways no longer work. Now, even our gods dance to a new tune."* 2 1/2 stars

"Baron Blood" *Decent dubbing, giallo lite, moody nightscapes, cursed castle, creepy stalking.* 2 1/2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: "Illuminatum & Illuminata" *Interviewer: Do you believe in the Horned One? the actor Todd Rivers: You mean the Hoofed One? Interviewer: Yeah.* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: "Time Machine" *Butthead: 1832, that's like not now. Beavis: Yeah, aren't we more than that?* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks: "Wounds and Scars" *"A country habit. We are so very trusting."* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's "The People Under the Stairs" *A ghetto version of Twin Peaks' "Black Lodge" where "Hills Have Eyes" type inbred freaks are trapped in the cellar and "Sometimes further in is the only way out." in a twisted Tom & Jerry style game of cat & mouse.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "We All Scream for Ice Cream" starring Lee Tergesen, William Forsythe, and the kid from Bad Santa and Eastbound & Down *The Good Humor Man returns from the land of the popsicles to scoop out and dish some cold and sticky revenge.* 3 stars

Gun Fu John Woo and Risky Bidness Tom Cruise present: "Mission Impossible 2" *We've got the cure, we made the disease. Dianetics incorporated.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric present: Bedtime Stories "Hole" *Spitting surreal absurdism sometimes sidetracks the sinister suburban satire.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3K presents: Charles Band's "Laserblast" *Moppy-haired stoner with a muscle-van gets to rain down the fire of the lizard alien gods on his stereotypical 70s burnout and redneck cop enemies in his one horse desert hometown.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Farscape: "Exodus from Genesis" *A hot time in the roach maternity ward in the outer reaches of the universe, tonight.* 3 stars

"Saga, Curse of the Shadow" aka "The Shadow Cabal" *Somewhere between Peter Jackson's LOTR and LARPers that run around yelling, "Lightning bolt, lightnight bolt, lightning bolt!" 2 1/2 stars

"Night of the Loving Dangerously" --xxx-- *With the allure of his ever-wanton ex-wife, Traci Lords, private dick, Peter North, is pulled into a web of blackmail involving his ex's new fiance- a perverted CEO with everything to lose, Jamie Gillis, his naughty daddy's girl daughter, and gay son's snooping photographer boyfriend.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "Poltergeist" *Joe Bob maligns Spielberg's involvement with a Tobe Hooper horor flick, Heather O'Rourke gives me the sads, an 80s kids bedroom is full of nostalgic shit, the mom looks sexy even with a streak of grey hair, there's some kind of message about the sinister nature of suburban sprawl, a sassy medium with a drawl steals the show, and Joe Bob ponders the difference between "Go into the light" & "Stay away from the light."* 3 stars

Lost & Found Video Night Vol. 5 *Hot diggity tallyho* 3 stars

"Purely Physical" 1982 --xxx-- *Schmaltzy motel fornicating where the lovers' lips refuse to move when the pillow talk gets filthy.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "The Trevi Collection" *Fashion victims. Some hilariously bad acting from a witch.* 3 stars

"Gallowwalkers" starring Wesley Snipes *Spaghetti vampire western. The kind of movie Blade 3 should have been.* 3 stars

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi ---despecialized editions--- *Impressive. Most impressive* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: 1954's U.S. version of "Godzilla" & "Godzilla vs. Mothra" *Tokyo stompin' in a Texas trailer park.* 3 stars

"Manborg" 2011 *Will Ferrell's 'Westworld', Scott Pilgrim vs. Mega City 1, Napoleon Dynamite 2: Judgment Day, Tom Green's 'Total Recall', Jim Carrey's "Battlefield Earth', Sam Raimi's 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation', Paul Verhoeven's 'Army of Darkness', Patrick Swazy, Jacki Chan, Jake Busey, and Cynthia Rothrock in 'Revenge of the Sith'.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: Stuart Gordon presents Edgar Alan Poe's "The Black Cat" *Pluto, the little devil.* 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents: "The Last Slumber Party" *More potty-mouthed and homophobic than a Wayans Bros. "Horror" "Comedy" "Movie"* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

The Outer Limits: George R.R. Martin's "Sandkings" starring Beau & Lloyd Bridges *Red menace* 3 stars

rifftrax presents: "Battlefield Earth" *L. Ron Hubbard's The Passion of the Prometheus as acted out by the rat-brained man-animal, John Travolta.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Mel Brooks "Spaceballs" 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" *Fate of world hangs in balance while obnoxious bantering, obnoxious celebrity style wedding is overshadowing focus, obnoxious background extras actors mug for the camera and stare at the pop culture status heroes, obnoxious twirling mustache Dr. Doom villain moments, obnoxious studio thinking Galactus is a stupid concept and yet going through with having his threat to earth being the plot-- leaving us with a cloud of lame spacedust* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Troma presents: Lucio Fulci's "Rome 2072: The New Gladiators" *Televised brutality in a cyber-disco dystopia where the cities of the future are painfully obvious scale models covered in Christmas lights and dirtbikes along with karate chops are still considered pretty badass.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Game of Thrones: Season 3 episode 1

*The inept, pudgy comic relief gets to stumble around in the snow avoiding ice zombies,

the dashing dwarf gets dissed by dear old dad,

the high class pimp positions himself near the daughter of the woman who always shunned his advances,

the would be future queen shows kindess to orphans and gets politely scolded for it,

a crow defects to the king beyond the wall,

a fiery zealot harshly deals with infidels,

a shiprecked war veteran brother puts himself back in harm's way to try to talk sense to his witch's pussy whipped brother,

the king of the north returns to his scorched hometown and imprisons his mum there,

a puppy eyed dragon mama sails with her seasick soldiers and goes shopping for baby slaughtering drone warriors while narrowly escaping creepy child with scorpion assassination attempt.*

3 stars

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rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "Predator" *"Speak mono-Slavic-ally and carry a big stick."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

George Lucas & Ron Howard present: "Willow" *In order to save a red-headed bastard baby, Frodo Skywalker fellowships a force of ragtags including a Han Solo in Pocahontas drag, an indian in the cupboard Kevin Pollack, and a wizard lady trapped by spell in the body of a wombat.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents: "Twilight: New Moon" *A frigid, psycho chick gets dumped by her prissy, older, unhealthy obsession. she then begins having night terrors ruining the sleep of her closet gay lumberjack dad. next, she begins leading a lovesick puppydog around on a leash while getting wreckless on a mopad, attempting suicide for attention and all before going on a sisterhood of traveling pants adventure to a pretentious Anne Rice version of faggy Europe. 1980s teens were awesome. 2000s teens are awful.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

---- monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs:

"Slaughter High" aka "April Fool's Day"

*These jokers aint' f-f-f-foolin'. They like their drugs, they like their sex, they like their cruel pranks on nerds.

Unlucky for them, their 10th year class reunion takes place at the now abandoned old high school in the middle of nowhere on a rainy night.

It's the perfect setting for an old dark house horror mixed with Agatha Christie style revenge picture.

This is one of the best episodes of monstervision.

It features a classic 1980s slasher flick, it has the original mail girl, Joe Bob skewers the logic of the TNT censors, and he reads an awkward letter from a male admirer named Rufus.*

3 stars

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"A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" *Freddy flew over the cuckoos' nest* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Valerie 23" *Do androids sleep mode with electric wet dreams? 2 be or R2D2? See, I could think of some existential questions to ask my prototype sexbot over a romantic dinner, especially if she were the first sentient being of her kind, and had Hulk strength for no apparently necessary reason.* 2 1/2 stars

Jamie Gillis in "Midnight Heat" 1983 --xxx-- *Rare grime. A gem of a different time. Seedy NYC.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "The Washingtonians" *Patriotic blue hairs set their wooden teeth on edge about the disclosure of that rich colonial tradition of chomping on cherry tastin' child flesh.* 2 stars

Farscape: "Throne for a Loss" *Rigel, the royal pain in the rear.* 3 stars

"Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" uncut *The stigmata of Sigmund Freud, from the makers of 'Scratch it, sniff it, squeeze it, suck it,' now available at finer novelty shops.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "On the Wings of Love" *Hangover cures, hidden secret half-sister, hallelujah for the hard of hearing, hometown beauty pageant queen hitlist, and hoot owl hieroglypics.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Randy Quaid in "Parents" *A Norman Rockwell painting hanging on the wall behind the desk at the Bates Motel.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Blood Brothers" *Twelve immortal monkeys* 2 1/2 stars

"Kill List" 2011 -- *This feels like it could be a Garth Ennis story. It has old mates drinking together and shooting the shite about life. It has acts of extreme violence almost to the point of dark comedy. It has a bleak poignancy. There's also the occult undertones like a Hellblazer comic.* 3 stars

William Hurt in Ken Russell's "Altered States" *Waiting, in a fish-bowl, for Godot.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Chopper" *Stunt motorcycle riding, sword slashing specter with separation anxiety.* 3 stars

Farscape: "Back, and Back, and Back to the Future" *"Psychic Spanish-fly," alien lady combat, genetically structured spy seductress, quantum singularity also known as a blackhole used as a soul saving secret weapon of mass destruction that is seriously in jeopardy of being stolen or accidentally set off."* 3 stars

"The Wind" starring Meg Foster, Wings Hauser, & Steve Railsback *Swept up in stormy solitude and story.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "The Second Soul" *Lending our dead bodies, like they were used cars, to alien parasites, leads to some serious moral implications. Feels like a 50s style sci fi message about the dangers of multiculturalism given a more progressive twist at the end.* 2 1/2 stars

"Virgin Witch" --sexploitation-- *Prissy Galore throws a feisty spell when a group of dysfunctional devil worshippers decide they really, really fancy her.* 2 1/2 stars

Van Damme / Raul Julia "Streetfighter" *"Who wants to go home, and who wants to go with ME?!" Self aware dumb fun.* 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "xXx" starring Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, & Asia Argento *Double Ohhh Seven sez, "Do the DEW, dude."* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

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sammysreelreviews · 7 years

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How Dead Hannah Baker keeps the Manic Pixie Dream Girl Trope Alive

*pictured above: Hannah Baker (Katherine Langford) from 13 Reasons Why

***SPOILERS AHEAD FOR 13 REASONS WHY, PAPER TOWNS, 500 DAYS OF SUMMER. AND ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND!***

I know that some of you may be wondering what exactly is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Well there’s no text book definition but here’s one I found online from urbandictionary.com:

“A Manic Pixie Dream Girl or MPDG, is a term coined by film critic Nathan Rabin after seeing Elizabethtown. It refers to "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures." A pretty, outgoing, whacky female romantic lead whose sole purpose is to help broody male characters lighten up and enjoy their lives.”

Now that you have an idea of what this is I’ll start by giving you examples. Usually the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, MPDG for short, is only there so the nerdy usually white male that is obsessed with them can grow from the experience with them. Now I know you’re thinking “how exactly do I spot one of these creatures?” Well guys it’s very easy and I’ll give you some tips. Most MPDG’s are white, have a wild outlook on the world, and are deemed gorgeous by the general public.

*pictured above: Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet) and Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The first MPDG I can think of is Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. She is a wild says whatever is on her mind kind of girl and meets poor Joel on the train. This film happens through flashbacks and dreams showing how happy she made him. The relationship went sour which it usually does with a MPDG and they both have each other erased from their memories. Dramatic, I know, but losing her and getting her back helps Joel in some crazy way. It’s like without her he can’t fully live his life and that’s just sad.

*pictured above: Tom (Joseph Gordon Levitt) and Summer (Zooey Deschanel) in 500 Days of Summer

People love this movie and don’t even realize that Summer is problematic as fuck. Summer is this cool girl who doesn’t believe in love and basically drags poor Tom around for you fucking guessed it, 500 days. Tom thinks that Summer is the one for him and tries to date her and show her love exists. Even though they do end up dating things fall apart because cool, secure, witty as all hell Summer is still scared of love. I mean I thought that was a LA thing. It doesn’t take Tom to realize how pathetic he is until he sees Summer at a park AND REALIZES SHE FUCKING GOT MARRIED. Summer’s excuse is that she wasn’t sure about Tom but she was sure about her husband now.... LOL need I say more?

*pictured above: Margo (Cara Delevigne) and Quentin (Nat Wolff) in Paper Towns.

Last example is John Green’s book turned film Paper Towns. Quentin has been in love with the popular girl next door Margo. One random night Margo climbs into Quentin’s window and asks him to get revenge on her now ex boyfriend. They spend the whole night at the store getting supplies, ruining the boy’s car, and looking over the city they live in. Margo feels stuck where she is and unlike feels different tan her friends. Spoiler alert: she’s not. At the end of the night they both go home and of course nerdy Quentin is blissed the fuck out. Before I go in on this, we have to acknowledge that all of John Green‘s main characters are MPDG’s. It’s basically his forte. But I digress. Quentin wakes up and, surprise, Margo has gone missing. Quentin is determined to find her and believes that she left clues for him. Quentin his two friends and Margo’s bestie go on a roadtrip from florida to upstate New York and find themselves while trying to find Margo. His friends eventually leave him because no way in teen rom com hell are they going to miss the prom. Quentin stays and eventually finds the girl of his dreams. Turns out Margo didn’t want to be found at all and just like Tom in 500 days of Summer Quentin looks like a fucking dumb ass. Quentin makes it home in time for prom and enjoys it with his friends cause in the end that’s all he really needed... but it took a cross country road trip trying to find a selfish teen girl who doesn’t care about you to figure that out. Nice!

*pictured above: Clay Jensen (Dylan Minnette) and Hannah Baker (Katherine Langford) in 13 Reasons Why

As we all know Jay Asher’s book 13 Reasons why has been turned into a tv show on Netflix. The premise is that high schooler Hannah Baker has killed herself and left 13 tapes for certain people to listen to. If you’re on this tape, you’re one of the reasons why she’s gone. Creepy right? Well in the book, which is only 288 pages, Hannah is a sweet girl who seemed to have the worst time of her damn life. The book is short so it seems like every event that happened to Hannah happens like one day after the other. Clay listens to his friend’s tapes in one night and it really hits you in the gut. Personally I like the book better but I am here to address the show. If you want to read my full opinion on the entire show you can do so by clicking here.

The problem with the Tv series is that by stretching the fuck out of this book they have to add on to the characters. Unfortunately Hannah is made into a MPDG from beyond the grave. In the show Hannah is deemed pretty by everyone around her. If the high school jocks think you’re hot, you’re golden am I right? What makes Hannah a MPDG is the way she treats poor Clay Jensen. Clay is the main character in the show and you find out what happens to Hannah by watching him listen to the tapes. SInce it takes Clay fucking weeks to listen to 13 DAMN TAPES only through flashbacks do you get to see what Hannah is truly like. Hannah on the show confused me after I watched it. I was like “Why don’t I like her?” Don’t get me wrong I felt for the girl and everything that happened was horrible but something was just off. She talked to Clay all the time in witty banter and even gave him a nickname. There were so many chances where she could have just kissed him or got alone time but she didn’t. The other problem with Hannah Is that she was so confident and cool, and filled with teen angst, it didn’t make sense for her to care about what people thought. It’s like she had two personalities. When we see her with Clay she’s this smart funny girl who seemed unattainable but when we see her with virtually anyone else she’s insecure and dying for attention from any popular boy in school. Hannah makes it seem as if Clay isn’t good enough for her when in reality he’s the only person she has. In the 12th episode while Hannah is taking a walk she ends up at a house party where all the popular kids are. Even though she thinks Clay hates her at this point she could’ve tried to talk things out with him. It just frustrates me that she would go to a rapist’s house cause she’s that desperate for attention. Why fight for these douche bags that have done nothing but hurt you instead of fighting for Clay?

Clay shows character progression only when he’s listening to the tapes. Hearing his dream girl tell the stories before her untimely death makes Clay a better person to people around him. I mean that is the point of all this but at the same time, it shouldn’t take tapes from a girl who has committed suicide to realize that hey, high school is hard don’t be a fucking asshole to people. Clay also grows some balls while listening to the tapes. He basically yells in the middle of the school hall and even lowkey bullies this kid Tyler. I mean Tyler was a creep but bullying someone would be the last thing on my agenda while listening to a dead girl’s tapes. I wrote this for me to get my thoughts out cause everyone keeps asking me about this show. Every conversation I have I always say that I didn’t really like Hannah so if you think Hannah kind of sucks I’m here with you. Hannah is the most twisted MPDG ever and yes it’s because she’s dead. Clay only grows while listening to these tapes which is kind of in a way fucked up. Even though Clay, unlike the book, gets justice for two sexually assaulted girls and Hannah’s life it shouldn’t take Hannah’s 13 tapes to grow. Hannah killing herself should’ve made everyone change and grow on their own.

I know at this point you’re probably saying “ I read this long ass article what is the point?!” The point is that women are not objects. Being a woman is hard and having to grow up is truly a journey. You have media constantly showing you how the perfect woman acts or talks or dresses. Going through high school you have to deal with the pressure of society and unfortunately care about what your peers think. I grew up from my own damn experiences. I didn’t just find myself cause I left a boyfriend or cause I cut my hair I learned that I am what I am and I can’t change that and I’m very happy with who I turned out to be. This is especially hard to do when you’re a black girl like me raised in an all white community. Why must men in these movies need a girl for them to realize who they are? I’m not saying it’s easy to be a boy but come on dude the girl of your dreams isn’t gonna finally give you this sense of Omg I know what my purpose in life is. Your dream girl is not your mom teaching you about life. You know what’s right and what’s wrong without a girl whispering you to the right direction in your ear. You can only figure out who you are by being you and it is completely possible for films and TV shows to show this without a MPDG. I know the show 13 Reasons Why is supposed to show how small things matter and can snowball into this big thing. I get it I really do. The problem is that they could’ve shown that making Hannah solely the victim and not a jaded Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

#MPDG #manic pixie dream girl #eternal sunshine of the spotless mind #paper towns #500 days of summer #13 reasons why #hannah baker #clay jensen

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gaijinginger · 7 years

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Days 4-5: Happy Accidents and Pleasant Encounters

I ended up going to Golden Gai the night before last- for those who are unfamiliar, it’s a square block of about a hundred odd little bars, some with as few as three stools. The one I drank at had about twelve seats; four were occupied by Californians, two by Spaniards, one by a Pole, and three by the drunkest Okinawans I’ve ever met. They insisted on calling me “1-D” the entire time, on the grounds that I apparently look like Harry Styles. I’ll take it as a compliment; I fared better than one of the Californians whom they dubbed “George Lucas” for his resemblance to the creator of Star Wars. We drank, we chatted, we sang “Country Roads,” and at the end of the night I got a really great group pic that will follow this post. I’ll probably never see any of them again, but for a night we were one big happy drunk family. For this introvert, the whole evening was a testament to the power of putting yourself out there.

Yesterday morning, I started off the day with my first Japanese sushi meal. Absolutely baffling to me that I made it this long without it. It was nothing short of mind-expanding levels of good. After that, I bid my farewells to what was probably the strangest place I’ve ever slept in. In retrospect, staying at Anshin Oyado Shinjuku was nothing short of a psychedelic experience. Read my previous blog post for more, and for further context and reference images, google the place. It’s pretty strange in the best way. Very glad I stayed there!

After checking out, I headed back over to Akihabara to my next sleep box, First Cabin Akihabara. The capsule here is my biggest yet, with ceilings big enough that I can stand up inside and a bed large enough to be considered a double by conservative estimates. No place to put my luggage again though, which means my large backpack stays at the front desk. The location is fantastic though; it’s about a five minute walk to Akihabara station.

Since I wasn’t able to check in until around 5 yesterday, after dropping off my luggage I headed over to Mitaka, about a 40 minute ride out of downtown Tokyo on the subway, to check out the Ghibli Museum. Or so I thought. Upon arriving at the museum, I found out that it’s closed for maintenance until the 26th. Good reason to come back. Luckily, there’s a wonderful park located directly next to the museum, and I ended up walking around it for about two hours, in the process getting a nice taste of rural Japan. The park is just big enough that you can’t see the city from within, and being surrounded by greenery and minimalistic shrines for a few hours was a welcome change of pace from the hustle and bustle of downtown. I sat on a bench and wrote for a while in classic pretentious-20something-white-dude-in-Asia fashion, then made a few loops around the park before stopping by a nearby restaurant for another helping of black curry and short rib, this time with cheese. After that I went back to my hotel, did some laundry, and promptly fell asleep at around 8:00pm.

This morning I got up at around 6, ate a small breakfast of rice balls and miso at my hotel, and then walked around Akihabara for a bit. I video chatted some friends from home from around 8-11 in hopes of sharing some of the sheer WTF factor of Akihabara (there are entire multilevel stores dedicated to the sale of cartoon porn magazines. We’re talking dozens of them in Akihabara alone. In the biggest stores, each floor corresponds to a different genre. Floor one is guy-on-guy, floor two is girl-on-girl, floor three is girl-on-octopus, you get the idea. And again, it’s all cartoons. After audibly saying “what the...” for the seventh time to myself, I knew I had to phone some friends to externalize my confusion/disbelief and share the craziness.)

After this, I had a mid-morning meal at a small diner in central Akihabara consisting of sliced breaded chicken and scrambled eggs over rice, then spent another two odd hours wandering around, weaving in and out of the weirdest stores I could find. Believe me when I say there’s no shortage. I feel sincere sorrow for their earnest visitors and patrons.

After a bowl of ramen for lunch at around 2, I headed over to Harajuku to meet up with a new friend of mine, my waitress from the Dozeu restaurant I ate at for lunch on my first day in Tokyo. She didn’t make it into my first blog post, but we ended up chatting quite a bit during my lunch and subsequently added each other on Facebook (social media, for all of its drawbacks, makes the world a hell of a lot smaller). She’s about my age, and speaks about five languages by my count, so she makes an excellent Tokyo companion. Plus we have a mutual appreciation for Wes Anderson movies, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Jim Carrey. We got Starbucks and walked around Harajuku for a bit, and ultimately headed over to Shibuya to get dinner at a Korean restaurant in an area understood to be the district where Asians who aren’t Japanese gravitate in Tokyo- primarily Koreans, Nepalese, and Vietnamese.

To wander Tokyo alone as a westerner is great, but to wander with the aid of a native is absolutely amazing. Her observations about Tokyo and Japan as a whole were innumerable and invaluably enriching to my experience, and she’s already a good friend to boot. We’re planning on hanging out again next week before I leave, and thanks to Facebook we’ll always be in touch.

Over dinner of Korean blood sausage and kimchi we shared laughs at the most peculiar aspects of our respective cultures- she was in utter disbelief as I explained the ritual of bringing a tree into one’s house for the Christmas holidays, and how corn supersedes cane sugar in most American food. I was similarly baffled by her summation of her generation of Japanese young people- by her description, half of them are so wrapped up in their careers that their only outlets for romantic and sexual energies are the same baffling cartoons I described earlier. The other half has no interest in marrying before the age of 30 (at least there I can relate). No wonder Japan has a looming population crisis by all estimates.

Tomorrow I leave for Kyoto for three days. Somewhere in there will be a day trip to Hiroshima. Big doings! I’m really loving it here. Those of you experiencing anxiety from my absence probably won’t be thrilled to hear that I’m already thinking of my next excuse to be here. Expect another post in two days or so.

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jenniferasberryus · 5 years

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Why Sonic Is the Perfect Mascot for Gen Z

Ever since the film based on the Genesis’ Sonic games got regenerated for Gen Zs, it’s got me thinking: “Gen Z’s” sounds a lot like “Genesis.” But, beyond that, it’s got me thinking about the ever-improving system we have in place for marketing nostalgia to Millenials, while also trying to convince new clusters of Gen Z kids to embrace these characters and franchises as their own.

Marvel comics became the MCU, the Star Wars continue unabated, and everyone’s so aware that we’re living in recycled times that... that’s all I’m really going to say about it. What’s interesting to me is just how perfect Sonic the Hedgehog is as a vehicle for this kind of weaponized nostalgia, and how he’s served as a measure of our relationship to coolness for three generations now.

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Obviously, by casting Jim Carrey in a wacky role and re-doing the CG to make Sonic look more like his classic self, the filmmakers aren’t shying away from appealing to fond Millenial memories (you know, for money!). But Sonic remains primarily a kids’ movie, and thinking about the ways that today’s young people may relate to the blue blur made me realize that Sonic said a lot more about the Millennial generation than we realized - whether he intended to or not - and he sheds light on some of the things that connect us across time, no matter our generation...except for the Boomers, who I guess we all hate now? Is that the meme? Regardless, to understand why Sonic is the fuzzy multi-generational mirror that he is, we’re going to need...

A Bit of a History Lesson

To be clear, I’m considering a Baby Boomer someone born between 1950 and 1965, a Gen X-er someone born between ‘65 and ‘80, a Millenial someone born between ‘80 and ‘95 (prime Sonic age), and a Gen Z-er anyone born after 1995.

When Sonic was initially released in 1991, I was six years old, and “being cool” was super important both to myself and all of my peers (except for the kid who brought a gavel to school every day). What I think younger folks today might not understand is that this quest for coolness was not about authenticity, individuality, or any kind of meta-awareness of our identities. We weren’t “cool,” we were Cool™, and Coolness™ was defined by brands, something most of us didn’t grow up with the media-savvy to question. It was about being in a minority product vertical: skateboarding, black clothes, skitchin’, rap and/or punk rock on MTV, and unironically spelling the word “extreme” with a capital X.

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Speaking of irony, I’d argue that the ’90s were the decade where Detached Irony was born, grew up, got perfected as chronicled in the 1995 Alanis Morisette song “Ironic,” and, in a sense, died. Irony is a toy we make memes with nowadays, but it used to be what we used to identify ourselves as - we were misfits who were “over it,” and therefore cooler than you. You were Coke, we were Pepsi. Flash forward twenty years and I’d call myself more of a Blueberry Acai caffeine-free Diet Coke guy; my point being that identity issues have gotten more complex over the years. And Sonic has all of that wrapped up in his fur. Needles? His…hedgehog...texture.

The ’90s were a gaming landscape dominated by Mario: a fat, middle-aged human who focuses primarily on jumping. This made Sonic feel like pure, uncut, corporate-designed cool in a way that immediately juiced the X-centers of my brain. If you were a Sega kid, you felt indie, edgy, a little more Pitchfork than your Nintendo playmates. Sonic focused on going fast, his head had Liberty Spikes, and he was such a crude, rude, awesome dude that if you stopped playing for a few seconds he’d look right into camera and give you the stink eye for wasting his time.

Amazingly, none of that seemed corny to us at the time. Sonic’s Cool was genuine and accepted by his fans with a naivete born of the mono-media culture of the ’70s and ’80s, and which has been slowly decaying ever since Fonzie jumped the shark. These days it’s almost been completely dispelled as the internet and other technologies drive us to be more aware of the systems around us from a younger and younger age.

Considering that, it’s no coincidence that the 90’s saw the ascendance of grunge music, pop-punk, an explosion in goth culture, the advent of “The Gritty Reboot,” and popular films with nihilism as a central theme. As a culture, we became obsessed with the “fakeness” of all the sheeple around us — irony became a way to interact with the broader world, and a signature part of the Gen X and Millenial attitude. Suddenly we were only interested in bands that hadn’t “sold out” yet, and anyone who didn’t think everything sucked was probably a phony.

[ignvideo url="https://www.ign.com/videos/2015/10/14/history-of-awesome-1998"]

In that environment, Sonic’s cool started to taste a little Chemical Zone-ey, a little factory-produced. Although the fact that his transition to 3-D graphics was far less graceful than Mario’s was definitely a factor, as a pop-cultural icon Sonic had to shift gears, too. The first Sonic TV show, essentially a kid’s comedy, was canceled and replaced with a much more action-packed and serious take on the Battle for Mobius (if you didn’t know, Sonic’s from a planet called Mobius in the year 3235, but it’s best not to question it).

During the same period, Sonic stopped moving merch, and Sega announced their retirement from the console wars. Which finally brings us to Gen Z, the generation that’s proud to be themselves and frankly doesn’t give a f**k what you think about it.

Sonic & Gen Z (or... Zennials or… Whatever You/They Want to Call Your/Themselves)

These days, truly being yourself, unique, authentic… just you, is huge business. Youtube and Twitch are filled with child billionaires who lean into their personality quirks and are loved specifically for that reason. Also some racism. But the bigger point is, in the new normal, ironic detachment isn’t nearly as valuable. It’s actually cooler, these days, to be into something than to be over something. Young people feel more empowered to simply like what they like, which makes it an ideal time for Sonic to re-enter the fray.

[ignvideo url="https://www.ign.com/videos/2019/11/12/sonic-the-hedgehog-old-and-new-design-comparison"]

None of this is to say the movie will definitely do well (or even be good), but as a Sonic fan for life, it’s been interesting to watch him go from cool, to corporatized and “fake”, to “kinda corny and silly and… still fake, but that’s what’s funny about it.” The whole debacle with the initial CG Sonic reveal speaks to that...the filmmakers tried to make Sonic “realistic” and the internet said, “No you idiots, he’s a cartoon rascal that thinks he’s too cool for school, just let him be that!”

Gen Z is the first generation of humans to have grown up fully immersed in a digitally-enhanced society. Everyone is able to indulge their interests and hobbies much more thoroughly now, which has resulted in a galaxy of fragmented fan-bases and communal identities that make the “Are you a Sega person or a Nintendo person?” question seems quaint by comparison.

[ignvideo url="https://www.ign.com/videos/2019/03/01/why-are-there-no-good-video-game-movies"]

Nowadays, someone isn’t just a Nintendo or Sega player - they’re an anime cosplayer with an interest in tabletop gaming, or a maker of pixel-beats who crochets Star Wars scarves on Etsy in their spare time. The pop culture landscape is richer. Case in point: there were 130 more movies released in the US in 2018 than in 2017, and the number of scripted TV series’ have increased by 85% since 2011. In such a dynamic environment, generalizations are tough to make, but there is a lot of statistical data on Gen Z folks -- mostly marketing data about buying trends, because Capitalsim™ -- that I think bodes well for the possibility of a Sonic Renaissance.

Environmental Consciousness

Gen Z kids are more concerned about pollution, sustainability, and conservancy than any previous generation. Sonic the Hedgehog’s arch-nemesis is a boomer in a non-self-driving vehicle who’s here to automate all the flowers and animals and build a giant factory.

Fiscal Responsibility

Gen Z-ers are notoriously thrifty, more likely to work a series of freelance jobs or change careers frequently, and always looking for bargains or a place to live that they can actually afford. Sonic the Hedgehog hoards gold rings and emeralds and is in danger of being gentrified out of his neighborhood.

Cord-Cutters

Gen Z is the generation that “cut the cable,” and consumes most of their content on their mobiles, seeing screens as essentially interchangeable and TV as outdated. Sonic destroys hundreds of old-fashioned TVs every game and is mobility incarnate.

Data Protection

Gen Z places less emphasis on the importance of personal privacy. Sonic wears gloves and shoes but no pants.

Ethically-Sourced…Chili Dogs?

Gen Z is consuming far less meat than previous generations. Sonic loves chili dogs, which is a tube of several kinds of meat with ground-up meat on top. Okay, that one doesn’t work. Um...

Blue Hair

I’ve been seeing lots of kids with blue hair lately? What’s up with that?

Let’s see, how can I sound older than I already do? Oh! Bidets? No thank you! What’s all this fuss lately about bidets and bidet seat add-ons? I’ll stick to good old-fashioned American-made two-ply, thank you very much! Now, in my day, we had the Virtual Boy, and he was my best friend and oh my, the times we’d have…

[poilib element="accentDivider"]

Editor’s Note: Michael just kept typing out SNES titles until he got sleepy. We put a blanket over him to make sure he didn’t get cold.

What’s your take on Sonic these days? Corporate Shill or Moderately Funny In Sort of a Kitschy Way Corporate Shill? Let us know in the comments, or to really see how far the internet has fallen, check out what happens when you put the creepy old CG sonic’s teeth on other game characters.

from IGN Video Games https://www.ign.com/articles/2020/01/09/why-sonic-is-the-perfect-mascot-for-gen-z via IFTTT from The Fax Fox https://thefaxfox.blogspot.com/2020/01/why-sonic-is-perfect-mascot-for-gen-z.html

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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5 Actors Who Do The Same WTF Specific Thing In Every Movie

Many actors have a signature form. Tom Cruise loves to pas, Nicolas Cage can never be more than six inches from ardor, and Sylvester Stallone likes to add a brief fart announced to the centre of every word. But those can easily be explained away — by vigour, lunacy, and mouth-full-of-farts, respectively. But no one can explain why the next 5 aces continue using the same bizarrely specific stuffs happen to them in every single movie.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Constantly Perturbed About Forgetting His Partner To Leering Shitheads

Arnold Schwarzenegger has returned himself into a glistening cistern of a human, but all those thousands of hours at the gym seem to have obliged him unusually insecure about his house life. In True Lies , he plays a top-secret authority ultra snoop pose as a run-of-the-mill 300 -pound bodybuilding software salesman, but he gets murderously anxious when his ignored partner strives out “adventure” in the form of sleazy employed vehicle salesman Bill Paxton.

20 th Century Fox “Guess your partner likes the confidence that comes from being a total fucking douchebag, bro! “

Then, in Jingle All The Way , Arnold reprises his role as “shitty inept spouse, ” sans being an ultra spy( he’s precisely a regular superhuman whale ), and again gets insanely resentful where reference is finds his wife’s been spend time with a certain popular-with-the-neighborhood-housewives Phil Hartman.

20 th Century Fox “I couldn’t help but notice your stupendous muscles. Well, I simply work out one muscle, and here’s a clue which one: THE PENIS.”

In Total Recall , Arnold’s wife-stealing fears play out in the most frightful direction possible: He experiences out the status of women he thinks is the adoration of his life is actually a double agent who’s secretly with Richter, a villain who embed phony retentions into his intelligence to stir him think he and his wife had a life together.

TriStar Pictures “What are the last five statements you’d ever expect a mortal with my face and hairline to say? No , not ‘THIS HAIRCUT WAS 60 DOLLARS.’ The reaction was ‘YOUR WIFE IS FUCKING ME.'”

All three cuckolders get their comeuppance, though. Arnold expends a vast quantity of CIA resources to illegally stage a escapade to get Paxton to pee-pee his gasps, Hartman goes refusal eggnog thrown on him when he goes full sneak, and in Total Recall , Arnold killed his bogus partner in the pate, says, “CONSIDA DAT A DIVORCE, ” then snaps Richter’s arms off and drops-off the rest of him down an elevator gibe. So in all cases, love triumphed in the end.

Hollywood Will Always, Always Destroy Mads Mikkelsen’s Eyes

Take a look at Mads Mikkelsen’s face. Particularly his eyes.

Sony Pictures Television Now, if you even can, try to tear your eyes away.

They seem all right, as far as seeings start. Nice brown pigment, good spacing and symmetry … no real troubles worth mentioning. And yet for some ground, every filmmaker’s action when they read those seeings is “I must exterminate them at all costs. Cut them out! Ignite them out! Accompanied me the moaning children of Mads Mikkelsen’s eyes so they are unable look upon their father’s ruin !!! “

We … we should probably start explaining.

The veer started in Casino Royale , Mikkelsen’s introduction to the world outside Scandinavia. In that movie, his character’s left gaze is horribly scarred, leaving him weeping blood in moments of high-pitched stress.

Eon Productions We’re talking about the one that had all the coloring carved out of it with a dull fork.

Mads’ gooey eye isn’t a plan extent, or even a setup for one of Bond’s one-liners. Instead, someone was look back Mikkelsen and expected that they fuck up his left attention before filming. And then someone completely different chose the same stuff two movies afterwards in Valhalla Rising . Mikkelsen’s character not only has a wad of joint scalp for a left see in the film, but he is actually announced One Eye.

Scanbox Entertainment Danish pinkeye does not fuck around.

Mikkelsen’s rising star intended his agent had more strength to bargain, so they must have reached a endanger in the movie after that. In The Three Musketeers , his reference is utterly still missing a left eye, but he gets to wear a cool attention patch over it instead of a prosthetic ball sack.

Summit Entertainment “I’m here to talk to you about the Musketeers initiative.”

But instead of slaking their hate of Mikkelsen’s eye, such an affront only formed Hollywood’s anger grow. The Union of Hollywood Theatrical Artists Specifically for Mads Mikkelsen’s Eyes affirmed, and so in Doctor Strange , Mikkelsen’s eyes are two burning embers at the center of eight pounds of makeup.

Marvel Studios In other statements, FABULOUS.

It’s obvious that Hollywood will not rest “until youve” pried those orbs right from Mikkelsen’s head, so Mads built the wise men move to branch out to other media. He became best friends with Metal Gear builder Hideo Kojima and agreed to wizard in his next tournament, Death Stranding . And if you’d like to see the brand-new and interesting direction Kojima is taking Mikkelsen, here’s a screenshot of what his attribute will look like!

Sony Interactive Entertainment You, uh … you got a little something in your …

Keanu Reeves Desires Being Strapped Into A Cyber Chair

Over the course of his movie busines, Keanu Reeves has traveled through time, goes in superman combats with infantries of computer programs, and once helped Sandra Bullock launch a bus in accordance with the arrangements that spat in the very mouth of physics. But the most frequent shenanigan Reeves guides into is finding himself tied to a cybernetic chair.

Read Next

5 Surreal Realities Black Children Face

He got a taste for it in Johnny Mnemonic , a movie about the 1990 s trying to create a black hole of self-parody. Keanu plays a human flash drive in a futuristic cyber world felt up by a person who is exceedingly, very cynical about humanity’s ability to miniaturize data storage. He enrols the virtual reality via a cyber chair, whereby he gambles the hazards of the over-storage meltdown to … you know what? It’s quite hard to explain Johnny Mnemonic in one paragraph. Reckon the various kinds of cyberpunk you would detest if you were into cyberpunk, and then include a dolphin. Wait … is the fact that it? Holy shit, we did it!

TriStar Pictures In that container behind the chair? That’s the dolphin we were talking about!

Later, Reeves starred in The Matrix , in which most of the planned and interior decides were made up of cyber chairs. Keanu was quickly growing Hollywood’s go-to star for narratives about people whose figures are in chairs but whose minds are absolutely not.

Warner Bros. Pictures Above: The People’s Choice winner for Actor Most Often in Cyber Chairs.

Keanu even manages to find a way to incorporate cyber chairs in movies about sorcery. In Constantine , the entitle attribute has a chair called “The Chair, ” which gives him get views of Lucifer’s son Mammon obtaining the Spear of Destiny. It’s another cinema we shouldn’t try to explain in a paragraph. The item is, he’s a wizard in a macrocosm of supernatural, and Keanu still ascertained a space to shoot his brain into virtual reality while buckled into a chair.

Warner Bros. Pictures “My contract clearly states that my psyche and my organization cannot ever appear in the same scene.”

Keanu doesn’t ever move his knowledge away when he’s strapped into a cyber chair. In The Day The Earth Stood Still , he plays an immigrant referred Klaatu. The tale identifies him tied to an everyday chair and pointlessly covered in sensors by authority agents who had to have been waiting their whole lives to fuck with an immigrant, yet still manage to screw the whole event up.

20 th Century Fox “Does your Earth sensor pick up how disappointing this all is? To everyone? “

The Day The Earth Stood Still signal Keanu’s growth as relevant actors. He substantiated he could get fastened to chairs with less and fewer devices. He disappeared even further in Knock Knock , in which he gets tied to a chair that exclusively includes headphones.

Lionsgate “I SAID! WE’RE BREAKING FOR LUNCH! WE’LL BE BACK IN ABOUT 90 MINUTES! GREAT WORK THIS MORNING, KEANU! “

Reeves lastly “made it” as a fully cyber-free chair actor in the acclaimed act movie John Wick , which has him tied to a chair with perfectly no electric wires or cables. It is attached to zero cyber dolphins and no alternating digital actualities. It was a long and confusing road getting here, but here he is …

Summit Entertainment

… living the reverie!

Jim Carrey Is Forever Plagued By Bugs

Before Jim& Andy documented the full and insufferable penetrations of his self-indulgence, Jim Carrey was a beloved performer known for his goofy overacting and pseudo-philosophical public meltdowns. One repetition topic in Carrey’s achievements, nonetheless, seems to have operated under the radar for years: Namely, that his rubbery face redoubles as a glitch magnet. Let’s start with the hover that crawls across his eyeball in the stupidly premised Yes Man .

Warner Bros. Pictures Yes Man is a movie about a serviceman who can’t say no to concepts! Even flies on his eyeball!

In Me, Myself, And Irene , Jim’s face and mouth get contained within imperfections, and he utterly doesn’t charge. Oddly enough, in Dumb And Dumber , he mentions swallowing a junebug off-camera as a intellect he’s not ravenous. We’re not sure what this makes, but Carrey’s references seem to be the only people who are totally fine with live insects piloting into their lips and eyes. Are all his movies secretly zombie movies? Candyman spinoffs?

20 th Century Fox “Turn out the brightness and say my refer 5 times in your reflect to be informed about! “

Here’s a recreation GIF from How The Grinch Stole Christmas , and we’re beginning to believe this wasn’t even in the dialogue. This is simply what happens when Carrey stops moving his lip for more than five seconds.

Universal Pictures What you are familiar with as Jim Carrey is merely an elastic pocket harbouring the legion of Swarmog, insect mass of Nebulo 8.

The man is comprised and filled with insects in a way that may account for his inhuman gyrations. It doesn’t seem to be limited to the laid, either. He once told a Jimmy Kimmel audience all about the mites that started living in his beard. When the time comes to Jim Carrey, the question isn’t whether or not he has a fault on him; it’s where, how many dozens, and how many eggs they are laying.

“Cut! We’re going to need to fumigate Jim again.”

Leonardo DiCaprio’s Toasts Are Omens Of Destruction

If you don’t weigh dopey comedies committing weddings, you don’t see toasts in very many movies. But when you do, there’s a 90 percentage likelihood Leo DiCaprio is the one dedicating it. Every single filmmaker agrees that the man sounds good delivering a spectacular speech with liquor in his hand.

Here we have the first instance, from Baz Luhrman’s Romeo+ Juliet . DiCaprio makes the “here’s to my love” discussion to what he thinks is his dead sweetheart before downing poison.

20 th Century Fox “So let’s create a glass of Drano to my dead lover. What? She’s not d- ACK! “

Seeing him deliver such a heartfelt addres with poison on hand, James Cameron wanted to see what the teenager could do with real alcohol. So in Titanic , he has Leo deliver a speech on how the peoples of the territories about to be eaten by the ocean should “make each day count.”

Paramount Pictures “To remaining heated and strong dive! Here here! “

And here he is in The Man In The Iron Mask , a movie where they applied the highest-paid performer on the planet’s honcho inside a barrel for most of the running duration. He’s toasting to his mother and his own predominate as king.

United Artists These toasts aren’t … working out absolutely amazing yet.

His next cinematic cup-hoist came in Gangs Of New York , in which he disguises his threat to kill the man who murdered “his fathers” as a toast.

Miramax “And here’s to the guy who killed my pa! Fuck you, buddy.”

Next, in the smash hit everyone surely attended, Revolutionary Road , DiCaprio makes a toast to Kate Winslet being pregnant, right before Michael Shannon manages to shatter the facade and shorten DiCaprio to a screaming, violent shipwreck. The moment is: Nothing good ever happens after a DiCaprio toast.

DreamWorks

Leonardo adorations toasting so much better that he does it even when it’s not appropriate. Here he is justifying the order of Inception . It’s one of the most important and complicated pronunciations anyone in a cinema has ever had to give, so he of course does it by standing up and raising a glass of wine.

Warner Bros. Pictures “So create your glass to how occasion labours differently inside a nightmare, but then likewise daydream parties have to fall out of their chairs to wake up, and if you die in your fantasies, you become a centaur in the next realm up, even if it’s real life.”

In Django Unchained , they had DiCaprio’s curiosity, and then they had his attention … a line that might have been clunky and overwritten had he not interspersed it with a laughable drink.

The Weinstein Company “It wasn’t truly a toast, I guess. I just like giving 40 percent of all movie scripts while I drink.”

In The Wolf Of Wall st. , Leo sarcastically toasts the impotent FBI agents to show them that dickheads can do anything they want if they’re rich enough.

Paramount Pictures “Here’s to the rest of you fuckers taking that exercise, extremely. I’m Leo DiCaprio, and each toast I induce is so, so awful.”

Every single one of this man’s toasts have contributed to pitch-dark and horrible events, but he deters doing them. You cannot stop him. Here he is in the Departed , holding a speedy toast right into the side of another man’s head.

Warner Bros. Pictures “Here’s to you, FUCKING HEAD.”

The point we’re trying to obligate is that if you recognize Leonardo DiCaprio start to raise his glass, run.

Warner Bros. Pictures “Here’s to you being too late. You’re already dead.”

It genuinely was merely a matter of time before someone put Leo on a wine glass . If you desired this article and crave more content like this, support our website with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you .

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celebrityresearch-blog · 7 years

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Taran Killam - October 23, 2017

Past talk show appearances (sorted by most recent):

Late Night with Seth Meyers (October 12, 2017)

Eminem Impression (link)

Killam is a huge L.A. Rams fan, but there aren’t many celebrity Rams fans.

Holy Trinity of Rams fans: Ty Burrell, Danny Trejo, and Killam.

Meyers praises Killam’s impressions, including Brad Pitt and Eminem.

Killam raves over Eminem’s rap against Trump. He tries to add upon the video in his best Eminem impression, but he has a hard time freestyle-ing on the spot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger (link)

Promoting Killing Gunther, a mockumentary about a group of hit men trying to kill a hit man.

Starring in this film was his dream because he wanted to run around and pretend to be an action star.

Extensively discusses working alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger, who, according to Killam, was very professional and had the poise of a body builder, action star, and governor.

Killam had to FaceTime Schwarzenegger every week to remind him to post on social media, and his wife, Cobie Smulders could never get used to hearing Schwarzenegger’s voice coming from their bedroom.

Meyers and Killam grew up at a time when Schwarzenegger’s films were huge, and they both watched them at sleepovers.

The first R-rated film Killam ever saw was Terminator 2.

For 3-4 years, Killam tried to mimic the “step-cut” haircut of Edward Furlong by sporting long bangs swept to one side.

In Killing Gunther, Killam wrote a scene from Commando with a comedic twist before he even knew Schwarzenegger would be in it. The scene involves a hit man breaking into a weapon arsenal, taking all the weapons, and then getting arrested by the cops, who confiscate all the weapons.

Schwarzenegger was forced to wear disguises in the film; in his first scene, he was forced to wear booty shorts and a tankini.

Killam wrote, directed, and starred in the film.

(The directing was not planned, but in the end, he felt no one else was as committed to making the vision come to life as he was.)

Killam was fortunate enough to share many dinners with Schwarzenegger where he asked him about his prior movie experience.

Killam’s biggest regret is that he didn’t work out with Schwarzenegger.

Rather than exercise in a fancy gym, Schwarzenegger frequented the local YMCA.

Late Night with Seth Meyers (June 10, 2015) (link)

Meyers praises Killam’s 2013 SNL skit “Blazer,” in which he played a 1980′s inspired cop who incidentally only went after black perpetrators.

Killam was ecstatic to get the chance to slide over the roofs of cars and jump between buildings all day, but on his final shot, he fell and landed on his face, and this shot was used in the sketch.

Killam describes himself as the ‘king of falling on the last take’; when he shot a Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? parody with Charlize Theron, he had to repeatedly do keg stands, and on the last try his arms gave out and he fell over onto Theron’s face.

Late Night with Seth Meyers (September 10, 2016) (link) (with Bobby Moynihan)

Moynihan and Killam remark on the relaxed security on the Late Night set and show a movie, shot on an iPhone, of them prancing around Meyers’ studio earlier that day and putting their bare butts on his desk.

Late Night with Seth Meyers (December 20, 2016) (link) (with Marc Andreyko)

Interview shot on the first day of Killam’s Hamilton rehearsals.

Killam says that the character he plays, King George III, is the funniest role in the role play.

Late Night with Seth Meyers (April 30, 2015) (link) (Cobie Smulder on Killam)

Smulder remarks that her husband is a huge Avengers fan, and even knows more about the comic world than she does, so he had to explain Ultron to her.

Killam used to have Avengers poster in his SNL dressing room, which Meyers realized Killam would have regardless if his wife was on the poster.

Late Show with Stephen Colbert (February 10, 2017) (link)

Discusses his role as King George III in Hamilton.

Killam attended college for musical theater for a year before “comedy took over.”

Due to his Hamilton costume involving high heels and a velvet cape, the most difficult choreography is walking in a straight line.

Killam is the tallest in the cast, so when he’s wearing a crown and heels, he has to duck under the set for his entrances. One time he forgot to duck, so his crown went flying, but the audience laughed because, as Killam describes it, you “can’t fail in that role.”

The celebrity he was most excited to meet backstage at Hamilton was Sarah Michelle Gellar because he was a huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but he kept his cool when he met her.

The only time he ever cried at T.V. was during Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Colbert praises Killam’s impression work, including Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey.

Killam says people are never impressed with his impressions of them.

Killam was extremely excited to meet Jeff Goldblum at the SNL 40th anniversary special.

Killam explains that when outside guests come back for recurring roles on SNL (i.e. Melissa McCarthy, Alec Baldwin) they are usually comedy gods and therefore well-received by the cast.

Both Killam and McCarthy started at the Groundlings Theater in Los Angeles, and Killam always went out of his way to watch McCarthy perform.

Killam never did a Schwarzenegger impression on T.V.

Filmed Killing Gunther during the summer of 2016. The film is about a group of hit men killing Gunther, the most famous hit man (played by Schwarzenegger.)

The first time Killam FaceTime’d Schwarzenegger for casting, Schwarzenegger was sitting at an oak desk in front of a six foot tall oil painting of himself, smoking a cigar.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (April 10, 2013) (link) (”Worst I Ever Bombed”)

One of his comic friends pressured Killam into trying stand-up, and got him a 5-minute slot at 2:45am at the Westwood Brew Co. Attic.

Killam prepared no jokes for his set, but rather told a story about taking his 18-year-old brother to a strip club, to an audience of four people (two college girls and an old couple).

As soon as he mentioned giving a stripper $10 to give his brother a lap dance, the two college girls left, and he proceeded to explain to the couple the circumstances for his subpar stand-up.

He has never tried stand-up ever again since that incident.

From the Dressing Room (July 2, 2015) (link)

Discusses his role as Orin in the New York City Center reproduction of Little Shop of Horrors, directed by Jake Gyllenhaal.

Compares working in theater versus SNL, and explains that Little Shop requires much more memorization, but is a less time-stressed experience.

This show was his first time singing “in earnest.”

He would love to do something on Broadway, namely play Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror.

His first SNL hero was Eddie Murphy because his family had VHS tapes of Murphy’s work.

He was most nervous to perform alongside Jim Carrey, his biggest comedic influence, but because of Carrey’s SNL hosting gigs, Killam has now performed with him three times.

Among the shows Killam (binge) watches include Inside Amy Schumer, Bloodline, Game of Thrones, and Hannibal.

Fandango Movieclips Action (July 12, 2015) (link)

Killam has been attending Comic-Con since he was 19 years old. (Considering he was 33 in 2015, this made 14 consecutive years.)

Just starred in season of Drunk History, where he acted out the scenes, but never blacked out and recounted a history.

His wife, who plays Maria Hill in the Avengers, just received her own Hot Toy action figure.

In upcoming Drunk History seasons, he’d like to see the history of Australia represented, so he can see crazy criminals build an opera house.

His wife is an ambassador for Oceana.

Hot tamales are one of his favorite candies, and made up an integral part of his middle school diet, along with peach rings, Mountain Dew, and French onion Sun Chips.

Funny or Die (March 12, 2014) (link)

Attended the Secret Policeman’s Ball with fifty of the top American and British comedians.

Funny or Die (May 10, 2012) (link)

A PSA for “Got Your Back,” a charity dedicated to enhancing lives of soldiers upon their arrival back in the U.S., in which Rob Riggle slaps everyone’s back (including Killam’s.)

Also stars Ron Perlman and Kim Coates.

Funny or Die (June 19, 2007) (link)

Parody of Knocked Up, in which Killam plays a character named Scott Peterson. When a woman Peterson had a one-night-stand with confesses to him she’s pregnant, he reacts by asking if she likes boats.

Funny or Die (July 8, 2008) (link)

Three different Matthew McConaughey’s (one being Killam) find a baby girl outside their door and collectively take care of her.

Also stars Olicia Munn and Joey Kern.

Funny or Die (July 10, 2007) (link)

Skit written by Killam and a partner, titled “True Life: I’m Crazy.”

Killam plays a 46-year-old man named Harold who consistently follows around his 17-year-old high school friend named Lucas.

When Lucas gets asked on a date, Harold gets jealous, tries to float in the sky, but instead stands still for fourteen hours before passing out.

Talkhouse Podcast (July 27, 2017) (link) (Fairly rare: 2,542 YouTube views)

Killam sits down with SNL cast member, Kyle Mooney, at a flagship Sonos store in New York City.

The initial interviewer’s daughter knows Killam solely as “Nature Cat”, a character in a show about cat that ventures out to spend time with its animal friends every time its family leaves.

Killam took the red eye that morning from L.A. to NYC because he was filming Drunk History in L.A.

Killam grew up in southern California, and then attended UCLA there.

When Mooney was cast on SNL, Killam was one of the first people to call and congratulate him.

Mooney and Killam try to visit Disneyland once a year again.

Disneyland makes Killam happy because it reminds him of a fun carefree time that signaled the start of his dreaming to be involved with Disney in come way.

His first film shot in Vancouver.

Killam performed karaoke in Boston’s China Town, where English was the sixth language selection for each song.

Killam’s go-to karaoke songs are “Starlight” by Muse and “Don’t Look Back in Anger.”

Mooney estimates that he and Killam have done karaoke between 4 and 10 times together, but Killam insists it was more because of SNL ‘after-after parties.’

Killam is a boy band fanatic.

When Taran was thirteen, his mom got him a singing audition for a boy band.

Lance Bass was Killam’s favorite member of NYSYNC because he raved about horseback riding and jet skis.

Mooney and Killam extensively discuss Saved by the Bell.

Schwarzenegger played villain in Killing Hunter.

Schwarzenegger is a “man of the people” and a “promoter of himself,” so he’s very accessible.

Killam’s dream would be to eat his way through the holidays, then start a mission to get ripped on January 2, so he could be in shape for summer, but he voices his concerns to Mooney that being chiseled might interfere with his comedic potential.

Killam loves murder mysteries and intends to make more comedic murder mysteries.

Some of his favorite murder mystery films are The Thin Man and Murder by Death.

Flawlessly quotes Peter Falk in Murder by Death talking about having sex with a fat waitress.

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tabloidtoc · 4 years

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National Enquirer, July 27

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Prince Harry trapped in marriage from hell to Meghan Markle

Page 2: Mariah Carey has slimmed down again and the formerly plump pop star’s recent pics have stunned doctors who believe she’s lost at least 60 pounds in the last year and experts believe the recent weight drop may have come with some medical assistance plus experts warn the star’s constant weight swings have placed her health at risk

Page 3: Paris Jackson bravely reveals suicide ordeal -- admits many attempts after losing dad Michael Jackson

Page 4: Shia LaBeouf got his whole chest permanently inked to get into character as a vicious gangster for his new movie The Tax Collector

Page 5: Head-over-heels Ben Affleck is raring to have a baby with girlfriend Ana de Armas, Ashton Kutcher has rushed to the rescue of Hollywood pariah Lea Michele and now he’s on the outs with wife Mila Kunis -- Lea has been blasted as a despicable and cruel and entitled bully by former castmates on Glee and Broadway but Ashton who was paired with Lea in the 2011 rom-com New Year’s Day thinks she’s gotten a raw deal while Mila thinks Ashton is crazy for sticking his neck out for someone he hasn’t seen that much over the last decade

Page 6: The bizarre marriage of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith has hit a crisis point over another man and the blowback may push them toward a $270 million divorce -- both Will and Jada have denied humiliating reports that she was involved in a torrid two-year affair with their son Jaden Smith’s pal singer August Alsina with Will’s blessing

Page 7: Christina Ricci’s domestic battery call was just round one in what promises to be a bitter divorce brawl with husband James Heerdegen -- Christina secured an emergency protective order against James after cops were called to the couple’s Woodland Hills home after he allegedly spit at her and now Christina has filed for divorce and sole custody of their five-year-old son Freddie, Sarah Palin and husband Todd Palin quietly finalized their split

Page 8: Lonely Caitlyn Jenner has lost hope of making a love connection with 24-year-old live-in Sophia Hutchins and she’s on the hunt for romance and the 70-year-old longs for a partner to give her the affection she craves

Page 9: Tubby Adam Sandler and dumpy Denzel Washington have packed on the pounds during lockdown and now docs fear the Hollywood heavyweights may be digging their graves with a fork and spoon -- Denzel weighs close to 250 pounds and Adam is five-foot-ten and weighs 230 pounds

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Brooke Shields in the Hamptons wearing a patriotic bikini, Brooke Burke on a swing in her backyard, pregnant Sophie Turner out for a walk in Encino

Page 11: Lara Flynn Boyle stepped out in L.A. during quarantine to stock up on essentials including a bottle of vodka but with sagging jowls and a puffy trout pout the actress was nearly unrecognizable, Tom Cruise is a dominant individual who left costar Thandie Newton terrified and insecure while filming Mission: Impossible 2 and Tom has since sent her Christmas gifts linked to his controversial religion of Scientology

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Millie Bobby Brown with alien balloons (picture), Alicia Keys and Beyonce have both struck a sour note with their Black Lives Matter music tanking -- Alicia’s Perfect Way to Die is nowhere on the charts and few are lining the streets to cheer Beyonce’s Black Parade, Chris Pratt needs to finish filming Jurassic World: Dominion in London in the next few months just when he and wife Katherine Schwarzenegger are expecting their first child so Chris will have to make a choice between work or his wife and new baby -- Chris is contractually obligated to be on set when they start although every effort will be made so he can take the 11-hour flight home on weekends, producers of RHOBH have discouraged the housewives from being political on the show because the audience is far more interested in personal drama and fights between the ladies but Lisa Rinna intends to change all that when the show starts filming again and she plans to use her platform to push her views on climate change and other issues, despite the raging pandemic The Bachelorette Clare Crawley won’t be wearing a mask and neither will any of her suitors because the show is about escape and people watch it to forget their troubles

Page 13: Kanye West’s bizarre pronouncement that he’s running for U.S. president has the entire Kardashian family quaking in fear about the can of worms his candidacy could open -- Kardashian momager Kris Jenner is furious because it’s likely to trigger media scrutiny and probes by political opponents into the family’s private lives and business deals

Page 14: True Crime

Page 15: Cradle-robbing Mary Kay Letourneau’s scandal-scarred life came to a tragic and lonely end at 58 as she died of cancer after being dumped by her husband and reduced to living in squalor

Page 16: Jeffrey Epstein’s galpal Ghislaine Maxwell’s arrest has big shots shaking -- with Ghislaine behind bars there is growing concern their high-powered pals will try to quash evidence in the explosive sex scandal

Page 18: Real Life

Page 19: Jim Carrey has written a fictionalized autobiography but he was too scared to confront his biggest demons -- Jim was not eager to tackle sensitive subjects like his bitter divorce from first wife Melissa Womer and the 2015 suicide of his ex-girlfriend Cathriona White, activists have demanded the removal of the Confederate flag across America but that’s not stopping an Illinois museum from proudly displaying a piece of television history emblazoned with it -- the last surviving 1969 Dodge Charger known as the General Lee used in the comedy classic Dukes of Hazzard

Page 20: In a plot twist fit for one of his mystery thrillers novelist Dan Brown’s ex-wife Blythe claimed he lived a life of lies and charged he financed numerous secret affairs with their joint $178 million fortune, Julian Lennon is determined to get what he’s been denied by his stepmother Yoko Ono before she kicks the bucket -- Yoko is 87 year old and in a wheelchair and very ill plus she’s set to leave her son Sean Lennon who’s Julian’s half brother all of their father’s massive fortune -- Julian only wants what he thinks a son deserves and he pleading with Yoko to do the decent thing and give him a reasonable share

Page 22: Health Watch

Page 25: Denise Richards is so spooked by the coronavirus she refuses to do love scenes on The Bold and the Beautiful unless it’s with her husband -- she’s had her holistic healer husband Aaron Phypers added to the cast of the soap as a stand-in during intimate scenes, the Duke of Edinburgh has a shocking secret he’s hidden from the royal family for decades: he’s related to a busty pair of twin Playboy models -- Queen Elizabeth’s elderly husband Prince Philip was born into the Greek and Danish royal families but his wider familial ties extend to the U.S. which is home to Carla and Carmen Morrell

Page 26: Cover Story -- Heartsick Prince Harry trapped in living hell -- Meghan Markle’s demands leave him alone and miserable -- Harry feels lonely and directionless living in Meghan’s shadow as he struggles to find meaning in his life with a series of charity appearances designed to bolster the royal renegades’ image

Page 28: Assistants Air Stars’ Dirty Laundry -- Britney Spears, Ariana Grande, Frank Sinatra

Page 29: Ryan Gosling, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Aniston, Christian Bale

Page 31: Miley Cyrus has donated over $1.6 million to help homeless teens and vulnerable families though her Happy Hippie Foundation

Page 32: Dying Ethel Kennedy has secretly ponied up a $1 million bounty to find the killer of Connecticut teen Martha Moxley in a bid to prove the innocence of her troubled nephew Michael Skakel

Page 34: Lizzo’s secret half-brother Brandon Johnson desperately wants to end a family feud with the singer

Page 36: Scandal-scarred Johnny Depp was forced to walk the plank and exit the blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise and Guardians of the Galaxy bombshell Karen Gillan has been asked to helm the next Pirates voyage and is set to snag a massive amount of money for the starring role

Page 38: Gavin Rossdale seems to be pining over ex-wife Gwen Stefani five years after their split admitting he still thinks she’s incredible, Hollywood Hookups -- Jennifer Grey and Clark Gregg split, Lily James and Chris Evans are on, Josh Brolin and third wife Kathryn Boyd are getting ready to welcome baby No. 2

Page 42: Red Carpet Stars -- Margot Robbie

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Jay Leno with his vintage Lincoln Continental

Page 47: Odd List

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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5 Actors Who Do The Same WTF Specific Thing In Every Movie

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Constantly Perturbed About Forgetting His Partner To Leering Shitheads

20 th Century Fox “Guess your partner likes the confidence that comes from being a total fucking douchebag, bro! “

20 th Century Fox “I couldn’t help but notice your stupendous muscles. Well, I simply work out one muscle, and here’s a clue which one: THE PENIS.”

Hollywood Will Always, Always Destroy Mads Mikkelsen’s Eyes

Take a look at Mads Mikkelsen’s face. Particularly his eyes.

Sony Pictures Television Now, if you even can, try to tear your eyes away.

We … we should probably start explaining.

Eon Productions We’re talking about the one that had all the coloring carved out of it with a dull fork.

Scanbox Entertainment Danish pinkeye does not fuck around.

Summit Entertainment “I’m here to talk to you about the Musketeers initiative.”

Marvel Studios In other statements, FABULOUS.

Sony Interactive Entertainment You, uh … you got a little something in your …

Keanu Reeves Desires Being Strapped Into A Cyber Chair