#like jesus christ you think i havent tried that lmfao

[butchvamp]

everything really is just such a chore these days i have no motivation no passion... drawing is a chore writing is a chore reading is a chore playing games watching movies painting my nails or taking a shower or just getting out of bed just waking up is all a chore. like i can’t find joy in anything no matter how much i try to force it and the few fucking times i am happy now it’s so fleeting and it’s always immediately followed by weeks if not months of feeling absolutely fucking miserable. and i’ve tried everything like for years i have tried everything i tried medication i tried working out going for walks eating “healthy” i got out of my comfort zone i forced myself to do things i never ever thought i would do i even “prioritized my mental health” i took breaks and i worked hard and really tried and none if it matters cus i’m just going to be miserable and alone forever. every friend i have ever had eventually moves on and makes their life better and im so happy for them but i stay here rotting and getting worse and worse every year no matter how much i try to change or “be positive” at this point i’ve been waiting and pushing for it to “get better” for over a decade and it clearly isn’t coming like at what point. at what point can this shit just end already

[shhh-no-ones-home]

tantalizing* bucky barnes x reader

+++++++++ Holy shit this is so long (wc: 2011) I'm so sorry 😅 worth it tho 👀

* - Convincing him to let off some steam after a very stressful mission in which he is frustrated and agitated over and in need of some relief. god i havent written smut in so long, i hope its not too bad lmfao

Song: sick from the melt by motionless in white 

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

"can you calm down?"

i said, venom barely dripping from my tone.

"No! I'm just frustrated. And angry. And pissed off!"

He seethed, pacing in front of me.

"God you need to get laid."

I said annoyed, rolling my eyes. I noticed he had stopped pacing now, looking at me like I was crazy.

"What?"

I asked innocently and he shook his head, continuing to wear a hole into the carpet of our shared hotel room. His bed was still made, his duffle bag sat neatly atop it like he hadn't even touched it since we had arrived.

"I just. God I want to punch his face in. I can't believe I was so stupid."

He lamented and I sighed, sitting back on my hands and crossing one leg over the other.

"I'm telling ya, it's a really good way to let off some steam."

I pointed out but he just kept going.

"Who does he think he is? And don't think I'm ranting, because I'm not. I'm quiet and reserved and-"

"Need to get laid."

I repeated and he sent me a look.

"Okay, what is with you?!"

He asked and I shrugged.

"You have a lot of pent up emotion and I just think it would help. Forgive me for trying to be a real one."

I said and he just stared at me, a darkness to his features.

"I'm not that kind of guy."

He said, moving to pace again and I snorted.

"What?"

He asked irritated and I shook my head.

"Nothing, you keep wearing the carpet down trying to solve the world's problems."

He rolled his eyes at me.

"When you're ready to get some let me know. Either I'll help you get it done or I'll call someone for each of us cause lord knows I could use it too."

I said, pulling my arms out from under me and falling on my back, staring at the popcorn ceiling.

"Did you just offer to get me a call girl?"

He asked and I snorted.

"Call girl. God you are old."

"I don't need a prostitute."

I shrugged, my t-shirt moving and holding against the white sheets folded over on my own bed.

"Maybe you don't but if you don't stop complaining I'm gonna."

I torted back.

"Surely you are not that shallow."

He said and I laughed, sitting up on my elbows.

"You wanna come over here and help a girl out instead? It'd save me a couple hundred."

He sent me a look and I just stared at him.

"I'm being serious."

I said after a minute. When he still didn't say anything or move I stood up, walking to him and staring him down.

"What's it gonna be sergeant Barnes?"

I said lowly, taunting him. I watched as his jaw clenched, staring back down at me like he'd die if he didn't.

"You want it that bad?"

He growled and I could feel a wave of desire wash through my body.

"Dont you?"

I challenged. There was a long pause, making sure we understood each other, before he slammed his lips into mine. In the moment it felt like my brain short circuited, slinging my arms around his neck as he held my hips for dear life. And before I knew it we were fighting for more kisses, the air barely staying in my lungs as his hands roamed my body, tugging at clothes I wish would vanish.

"Just rip it."

I said against his mouth as he tried to undo my bra from under my shirt. It was old and I had brought a back up for the trip so I wasn't that worried about it, I just wanted this to happen.

"This is harder than you'd think, not being able to actually feel it."

He said. And just as it clicked what he meant it didn't matter. In a second my shirt was over my head and he was tearing the front of my bra open like an animal. He groaned as he came back to kiss me, finally trailing down my neck as he undid my pants, moving long enough for me to get rid of his shirt too. What I wasn't ready for was, once naked, he picked me up and tossed me onto the bed, kicking off his own bottoms and crawling up between my legs.

"God I want this so bad."

He said a little breathlessly, kissing down my chest, his hands roaming my thighs.

"I need you."

I whined, my fingers pressing hard into his shoulder blade as he went further and further down my body.

"Beautiful."

He said, kissing the inside of my thigh, hoisting my leg onto his shoulder as he sucked a hickey into it.

"Bucky."

I moaned, closing my eyes as he leaned down, getting closer and closer to my core.

"Use your words gorgeous."

He sang, his hot breath sending a shiver down my spine.

"Just fuck me."

I sighed out, digging my head into the mattress as he licked a stripe up my folds. Needless to say I wasn't ready for what he had to offer, his tongue pressing figure eights against my clit as he brought his hand up to tease me. It was soft touches for a moment but then it was two fingers, pumping in and out of me slowly. When he moved to suck my clit instead i gripped the sheets tightly with one hand, the other going to the back of his head as I panted.

"Please. Bucky."

I sighed out, scratching the back of his head. When he slowed his hand I couldn't help pushing my hips further into his face. my mouth dropped open when he added a third finger, pumping quickly until I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

"Jesus Christ!"

I yelled, him curling his fingers up and making my legs quiver against him as I came hard. I breathed heavily while he licked me clean, making me seize every time his tongue ran over my clit again. When he was done I pulled him to me, slamming my lips against his and kissing him hungrily.

"How was that?"

He asked and I nodded against him, placing open mouthed kissed along his jaw.

"Otherworldly."

He just smirked at me.

"That's good, cause I'm not done yet."

He said and I sent him a worried look.

"Don't worry, it's nothing you can't handle."

He reassured. I couldn't think straight so I settled on nodding, tracing my fingers down his torso. As I reached his erection I touched it gently, watching it jump before I grabbed it and pumped him a few times. He moaned loudly, closing his eyes as I swirled my thumb around his tip, smearing his precum across it. He half opened his eyes to watch me but as I went to go down on him he stopped me.

"No, I want to be inside you."

He said darkly, pulling me into his lap instead. I looked down at him with lust filled eyes as he began kissing across my chest, taking one of my nipples into his mouth and biting it. I moaned at the sensation, bucking my hips against him. As his mouth moved he pulled me closer, helping me line up above him and pushing my hips down. We both moaned at the feeling, him dropping his head back as I sat back up and sank back down onto him.

"Y/n."

He groaned, pressing his finger tips into my hips as I began riding him. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced. He guided me more than anything though, holding me so firmly I was sure there would be bruises later. But God it felt so good I didn't even care. I just wanted to be closer to him.

"Switch?"

I asked and he looked almost nervous.

"I don't want to break you."

He said, his brows knitted together and I laughed.

"Please do."

He sent me a look as I sank back down onto him. He moved to place one hand at my back and flipped us over, making me gasp as he managed to bury himself ever further in me.

"Bucky."

I moaned, him pushing the hair out of my face as he began pounding into me. It was so hard the bed was beginning to creak, the headboard now hitting back and forth into the wall. It was now the more prominent sound in the room, overtaking the sound of skin on skin or breathing or even the soft moans escaping his lips as he bit and sucked at my neck. I couldn't help the whine that made it's way through my body as I pressed my nails into his back.

He was fucking me so hard I was sure the bed would break, but so far it was holding up pretty well. He grunted harshly, pressing his fingers down between us and circling my clit a few times. I closed my eyes at the sensation, letting out breathy moans as he continued to take all his frustrations out on me. As he got faster though I got worried and suddenly I had spoken too soon. The next thing I knew the legs at the foot of the bed snapped, the two at the head following shortly after, making me scream in surprise. He looked at me with a worried expression until I shrugged, pressing my hips up against him and urging him to keep going. He just laughed a little and kissed me, slamming into me again. And with that I was done for.

"Bucky!!"

I screamed, feeling another rush of pleasure flood my body. But he kept going.

"So close."

He managed, tilting his head up and squeezing his eyes shut. He pushed into me a few more times before his mouth dropped, a deep moan escaping him as he came hard into me. He stayed there for a second, breathing deeply until he opened his eyes, pushing into me one, two, three more times before pulling out. I felt so empty as he rolled onto the bed beside me, it squeaking at the weight shift. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, feeling his hot cum drip out of me and onto the sheets.

"I guess you were right."

He said after a long pause, taking my hand in his and bringing it up to kiss the back of it. I turned my head to look at him and he sent me a lazy smile.

"I don't think anything in my life could have ever prepared me for that."

I said seriously before cracking a smile and laughing, rolling over and him bringing me into his side.

"Are you okay though? Sometimes I don't know my own strength. I mean you weren't protesting during, but still. id feel bad if i hurt you."

He said and I kissed his chest lightly.

"Oh, don't worry about me. I think that's the best sex I've ever had. If I can't walk later it was totally worth it."

He laughed, kissing the top of my head. then he froze, his body tensing against me as he looked down at me.

"shit. I didn't even think about a condom. Do we need to go get something... Or?"

I looked up at him, blinking slowly, the tiredness hitting me like a train.

"We can go get a plan B pill when we leave in the morning. Right now I think we deserve a nap."

i said through a yawn. He smiled at me and nodded, watching my eyes flutter shut. I hummed as he pulled one of the blankets up over me, kissing my temple lightly.

"Sounds like a plan to me."

[deadass-pool]

october 31, 2022 - halloween pms

oh boy oh boy DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL

so in the past 3 months, i got a job, met new people, life kinda sucks, i met a boy, i also met another boy, i met more boys, went to a kpop music festival, met another boy, jesus fucking christ, please check in on my temper because my patience was tested.

aside from the clients that i have to deal with during my work hours in the morning hours to afternoon, i was also dealing with MEN and i dont know!!!! i havent been screwing around the dating scene in so long because i was so invested in other things such as being delusional with my celebrity crushes and college was sucking the life out of me but jesus christ, i kinda wished it stayed that way because now i got money problems (its a me problem) and boy problems (that i have to get rid ASAP)

anyways, i’m not gonna write about the 10 guys i talked to simultatnoeusly at once, the another 5 men whom all i met through stupid online dating apps, WHAT im gonna tell you is that i ended up forming a whatever situationship with a guy that i used to go to the same elementary school with. WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I KNEW HIM SINCE FOREVER LIKE IN 1ST GRADE IMAGINE HAVING HIM SEE YOUR TIDDIES NOW AT AGE 22 LIKE, THATS SO WEIRD WHO FUCKING KNEW RIGHT 

anyways, yeah based on the last paragraph that i have written, if it isn’t obvious enough for you, yes it was very sexual (and very confusing at times) and ITS SOMETIMES WEIRD because i cant stop picturing him as some random 6th grader that i walk past by numerous times when i was in 5th grade and idk idk its so fucking crazy like, THATS CRAZY RIGHT?? WHO KNEW LMFAO

anyways yea we would call each other at night, it was nothing serious, obviously. out of everyone he was my favorite since there was a common ground and experience we share so i felt more comfortable with him than the rest of the guys that i talked to. so i trusted him enough with photos that i took and hes literally the only guy i ever sent those photos to (and hes gonna get beat up by me if anything happens GOD FORBID ANYTHING HAPPENS) 

he would send good morning texts bla bla bla, it was a one month short lived experience until i decided to just be distant or whatever because hes literally any other guys. god, we were evn supposed to go on a date but it didnt happen. the point is, just because you knew him since forever does not mean he’s going to be different. i have met way too many of the same people like him, AND LIKE ME, to keep my guard up anyway.

anyways, the point is i can feel the void in me getting alot more worse. the more i entertain these men, even women (i cant for the life of god play with women even when im attracted to them i just CANT) the more i feel like this is all i ever am worth of.

i always dreamed about being cherished, being taken care of, being seen, being listened to, and just being loved and that’s because of the numerous love songs that i heard, movies that i watched and books i read, but why does it feel like i will never be worth of any of those things?

i think the dating scene of today made it worse. i think that’s why i can’t keep on settling for stuff like this anymore. i am not embarrassed to admit that i believe that i deserve being treated with respect and live the fluffy romantic corny shit you see in dramas. i truly want that lol

i just feel like i wasted so much time on spending to get to know these people, even when im not looking for anything serious, time is still a cost to even acknowledge their existence. i just feel like absolute shit over it.

idk maybe im just pmsing and its a halloween and i literally have nothing much better to do (i am literally supposed to go on errands but i ended up crying over the remaining balance in my bank account) but idk idk

and also i cut off my ties with this guy, not fully, just distanced myself. if he tries to reach out, then i’ll let him in. there’s nothing going on anyway and he’s a manwhore lol. idk im just upset over everything rn idk why im typing this maybe its because its eating me alive. did u guys know that i used to have such a huuuuuge crush on him until he went for the sexual part in our relationship or whatever we have and now i could not respect him at all lmfao

anyways, thats it ill tell more on the careeer part soon, im working on something. see if this one works out. we’ll see.

[uniformbravo]

bloop heres a post abt my 3-day trip to san diego B)

this was just gonna be a list of highlights but i ended up talking about a lot so it’s more like a Kind Of The Highlights But I Got A Little Carried Away list

it was a 2 hr drive so i put on some tunes & forced everyone in the car to listen to my thousands of anime ops and piano covers it was *fire emoji* (im not on mobile)

at the end jaelin said she couldn’t hear it the whole time rip

made myself carsick looking at mob psycho memes while we looked for a parking spot at the museum for 20 minutes (it was worth it they were good memes)

the museum we went to had a whole gaming thing going on where they just had a shitload of games out for ppl to play & one of them was just dance projected onto like an entire wall basically & i mean i didnt play but it was fun watching my mom try her best 

she played against two of my sisters who both beat her by more than double her score hgdhgksd bye mom

got a nauseating headache in the science museum & took the opportunity to sit down & look at more mob psycho memes for 35 minutes while the advil kicked in

felt better by the time we went to see this fuckin movie about national parks in the us but idk it was like. the whole reason my mom wanted to go to san diego was to see this movie bc they were getting rid of it soon & after seeing it i can see why they’re taking it out kjgkdjgksd like!!! it would’ve been cool if it told u shit about the parks like fauna and flora shit but it had this dumb little narrative abt these three campers traveling to each park & fucking around & i looked over at jaelin at one point & she was asleep & i was like same

im being too hard on it, it was kind of interesting to watch and had some cool visuals but the acting was pretty embarrassing & unnecessary, i wish it would’ve tried to be a documentary instead of entertaining. that’s my Professional Review of this random movie they’re removing forever soon, hope u enjoyed

realized i had more free time at the hotel than i thought i would & v heavily regretted not bringing my tablet to draw aaaaaahhhhh it was ok tho bc i brought my big sketchbook so i just drew in there B)

i’ve been drawing a lot of terukis i think i accidentally discovered a hidden love for him on the midnight shores of the san diego bay

(what i actually discovered is that he’s v easy to project a rly specific part of myself onto hgkdgksdjkgjsdk)

rented bikes to ride by the bay & it was super fun bc i havent ridden a bike in a long time but like. the second half started getting really hard for me & i thought i was just weak shit bc i literally never exercise but then i realized my back tire had gone flat hfdjghsd my legs were..... so sore

also the seat was shaped weird so my ass was sore for the rest of the trip. it’s still sore tbh. i have a bruised ass

went to a model train museum which was pretty cool bc the little towns had little people & jaelin and i were making up stories for them (my favorite recurring joke was pointing out ppl that had fallen over & calling them dead)

after the trains we made a spur-of-the-moment decision to stay a third day to see more museum shit bc why not so we managed to grab a room at a new hotel and #Locked In our decision

on the way to the second hotel we got a flat tire so i was like convinced i was cursed bc wtf it was literally on the same day???

while we waited for the tire repair i got a pink lemonade from taco bell and it was amazing i can’t believe i ever thought piece of shit sprite was worth even looking at over this

ok so i need to talk about the second hotel we stayed at because it was... literally the fanciest hotel i have ever stayed at in my entire 22 year old life

it was a mariott?? but a fuckin Fancy Mariott ok first of all we were on the 19th floor which just..... what the fuck

floor level was the 6th floor, this bitch went underground (though that might have just been the parking garage idk)

the lobby bathroom was like. jesus christ. to flush the toilet u wave ur hand over a sensor??? what’s wrong with just automatic toilets???? why are these toilets so extra????? i couldn’t even get it to work for so long jgkjdkgsd i hate technology

also there were moist towelettes sitting in a neatly folded pile by the sinks like what even. i thought it was paper towels but then it was wet

the lobby also had this fancy-ass bar/lounge where they served starbucks but u had to have a room key to get in i think

in the elevators to get to the rooms you can’t even enter the floor level until you hold your key card against a sensor like what the fuck..... we had to get some strangers to tell us how to do it gjdks i bet if we hadn’t been able to figure it out the elevator wouldve just dropped us 12 floors to our death like Access Denied, Assholes

the room itself was super fucking cramped tho which makes sense like if im gonna be able to afford anything at a place like this u better believe it’s gonna be the size of a damn peanut. it was the fanciest peanut ive ever seen in my life tho

the view was uhh we were directly across from some tall office building so at night u could like see into all the rooms it was kinda cool but also weird

there was a jar of hershey’s kisses on the coffee table when we got there but it was dark chocolate so like get the fuck outta here with that shit how dare you assault Mine Eyes (i ate like 4)

it rly was a tiny room tho and it didnt help that there were 5 of us rip... like there was a main room and a bedroom and a bathroom and already that’s making it sound bigger than it was hgkdjgskd 

but even tho it was small it had a lot like.. there was a kitchenette that was big enough for like 1 person to stand there but it had a fridge/freezer, sink, dishwasher, toaster, microwave, cupboards & coffeemaker like there was so much shit crammed in there, this wasn’t no minimalist living space it was just. a lot crammed into one tiny floor plan

anyway yeah it was really bizarre for me to be in a place like that & i just constantly felt like i didn’t belong there but that was mostly my anxiety lol i really dont like being in fancy places in general idk. it was still kinda fun tho

the natural history museum was cool, they had a bunch of animal skulls & taxidermy which i thought was pretty neat. all their dinosaur stuff was in the basement tho which u had to pay extra to see which like. bye

they did have some cool movies tho, they were like nature documentaries, one on marine biology around baja california and the other on animals of the galapagos & those were pretty neat, way better than that national parks shit we saw at the science center jgkdjkskdkdjg 

ok so this one’s more of a buildup over the 3 days so im gonna give a lil 3-part summary

day 1: we went to panda express for dinner & i had leftovers so i was like “sweet im saving these for when we get home” (bc the hotel had a fridge right)

day 2: got a rly good burger from a vegan place, my brother got the same one but didnt want his second half so i was like “cool more leftovers im gonna have so much good food when we get home this is perfect”

day 3: fucKIGN LEFT BOTH CONTAINERS IN THE FRIDGE ACCIDENTALLY WHEN WE CHECKED OUT HKDJFLSKDG i was literally so good about it the first two days like when we switched hotels i made sure not to forget them and i held onto them & everything & then halfway through the third day i was like “SHIT”

it’s ok tho bc for dinner that 3rd day we did panda again & i got the same thing so i have the same leftovers again hehehehehe

ok i think that’s basically everything & im not just saying that bc it’s 1:45 am and ive been working on this for like an hour and a half at this point.,.,. overall it was pretty fun, i think i liked the bikes & those animal movies the best... also the drive out bc i got to play my music lmfao (i love sharing my music ok)

anyway the end thank u