#like ive spent my whole life seeing other people get super emotional about things at the drop of the hat and every time i go

[gophergal]

Am I... Emotionally repressed??

[panharmonium]

you can be my ride or die: a staggeringly long essay about a deceptively short appearance

(aka, pan’s personal depository of notes about prince william of ealdor.)

now that my fic is long since done and posted, i can finally transfer this monster piece of meta out of my google docs and onto my blog, where it can serve as an unasked-for, absurdly detailed, beginning-to-end analysis of my obscure fave.

(whose line ‘yeah, and i’m prince william, of ealdor’ is still the funniest damn shit i’ve ever heard and also the most shocking burn arthur has ever received; i hope he thinks of it sometimes and remembers that humility is a virtue)

(the BRISTLING DISRESPECT!  the ZERO FUCKS GIVEN!  i love him!  please can someone else talk to arthur like this!  he needs it!)

disclaimer before we begin: i wrote this over a year ago, as a character check for myself during the very early stages of working on my fic.  i kept messily adding bits to it over the course of a couple weeks as i explored what i knew about this character and who i understood him to be, but at the time, i didn’t intend on posting it; it was just prep work for my own story-making.  it’s still essentially just a record of my train of thought as i pieced this character together - i’ve cleaned it up a bit now and added some recent links to make it more coherent, but it was never meant to be a posted essay, just a collection of notes for myself.  

be forewarned, it is more comprehensive than the things i’ve written about this character since, and it goes on for years.  if you are not interested in many, many pages of super heavy in-depth musings about a character who appeared in one episode, now is the time to scroll on by.  i promise i won’t mind in the slightest; i wrote this for my own purposes and don’t really expect people to read it - i’m posting it just to have it archived with the rest of my merlin stuff.

if you are interested in that sort of thing, however - hit the jump, and off we go!

i really love the episode where we meet will, though i’ve started to love it for new reasons since the first time i watched it.

the first time i watched season 1, 'the moment of truth’ was my favorite S1 episode overall, because it was the first time the Fab Four went off on an adventure together, and that was very exciting; and i also loved it because all the character stuff in that episode was so good; and i also loved it because look, all of us are suckers for that classic seven samurai plot, you know - i loved it in TCW, i loved it in the mandalorian, i loved it in merlin.  not gonna get bored of ‘simple farmers defend their homes with pitchforks’ anytime soon.  it is overall just a solid, self-contained plot with clear emotional arcs, and it sticks its landing well.  it’s a simple, strong story.

nowadays, though, i also love it because of will.

i. will whomst?

prince william of ealdor, that’s who!

will straddles a kind of weird place in canon, because he feels like a minor character to the audience but is very much not a minor character for merlin, who has known will much longer than the brief hour we get to spend with him and who has spent his entire life with will as his sole friend.

but, because will only appears once - let’s start with a round-up.  what do we actually know about him?

he’s a peasant farmer from ealdor, like merlin

his father was killed fighting for king cenred (as a foot soldier - these people are not wealthy enough or high-status enough to afford or be accepted into the knighthood)

his mother is either dead or absent

he’s painfully class conscious and doesn’t trust the nobility

he’s a “troublemaker” (the interpretation of which is...well, it’s left to the viewer’s discretion.  fandom seems to jump to ‘fun mischief and pranks,’ though i personally don’t get that vibe from this episode.  “troublemaker” in will’s case seems to mean more “doesn’t know how to keep his head down/can’t go along to get along to save his life.”  it means when he sees something that he thinks is Wrong, he absolutely will not shut up about it even when all his neighbors are sick of him and want him to just let it go.  it means he can’t stop rocking the boat even when rocking the boat makes everybody want to strangle him.)

he supplements his agricultural pursuits with carpentry.  you can see in his house big piles of hewn timber along one wall, as well as a grindstone and a shaving horse, and when he comes out of his house on two separate occasions he’s holding woodworking tools (mallet, chisel, etc)

he knows about merlin’s magic - for how long this has been the case, we’re not told.  it doesn’t feel like a new thing to me, but ultimately that’s guesswork.

he appears to have just one friend

that one friend is merlin

will loves merlin enough to die lying for him

merlin left will behind.

ii. it wasn’t what i wanted

so let’s talk about that.

merlin is asked “why did you leave?” twice in this episode, first by arthur and then by will.  he gives completely contradictory answers to the two of them, and it’s worth remembering, before examining both responses, that one answer is inherently more honest than the other, because merlin is only able to tell the whole truth to one of these people.

so when merlin talks to arthur, it goes like this:

“why did you leave?”

“things just...changed.”

“how?”

*silence*

“come on, stop pretending to be interesting and tell me.”

“i just didn’t fit in anymore.  i wanted to find somewhere I did.”

arthur has to drag this answer out of merlin, and it’s not because merlin doesn’t feel like sharing (i mean, come on, we know merlin; merlin wants to be in everybody’s business and he feeds off human connection like a starving man; he’d be thrilled that arthur was interested in his life) - the problem isn’t that he’s shy; it’s that he’s not exactly telling the truth and he’s trying to figure out how to do it in the least deceptive way possible.

i just didn’t fit in anymore.  i wanted to find somewhere i did.

that’s nice.  

it’s also a lie.  

it’s not a total lie, of course - there’s an element of it that becomes true, after merlin gets to camelot and realizes that working for arthur is “not totally horrible all the time” - that he sort of likes the excitement, and the newness, and being somewhere where nobody knows him and nobody will judge him - but that’s the reason he stays in camelot, not the reason he leaves ealdor.

by contrast, when will asks the question, merlin gives a completely different answer:

“why did you leave?”

“it wasn’t what I wanted.  mother was worried.  when she found out you knew - she was so angry.”

it wasn’t what I wanted.  

can we digest that for a moment?

merlin didn’t want to leave home.  

not that he isn’t enjoying himself in camelot now, of course - which he conveniently doesn’t mention in this conversation, because will is upset with him and merlin feels guilty that he’s been off enjoying his new life while will has been struggling at home alone - but at the point of departure, merlin didn’t want to go.  

his answer to arthur about finding a place where he belonged is certain-point-of-view bunk.  he didn’t just up and decide that he wanted to run off and find a place where he fit in better.  he didn’t leave because he wanted to escape a place he didn’t belong.  he didn’t set off in search of adventure and a new life.  it’s true that he didn’t feel like he fit in in ealdor, but that’s not what sent him packing.  he left because his mother found out that will knew about his magic, and she panicked and sent him away.  

iii. why did you leave

most fannish things i’ve encountered tend to interpret merlin’s departure in a much more generous light than i do, with merlin explaining to will that he’s leaving and will being unhappy about it but eventually understanding and kind of like...giving his blessing before merlin goes.  this is fine, of course, but it did surprise me, when i started dipping my toes into fandom, because i never interpreted events in this episode like that, and i don’t think it’s even a plausible read, not from the conversations we’re actually given.  the antipathy that accompanies merlin’s return doesn’t make sense under those circumstances, and moreover, from the way things actually unfold in this episode, we’re told, in order, the following three things:

1) the fact that will asks “why did you leave” tells us that he and merlin did not discuss it prior to the point of departure.  there’s no other reason for will to ask this question.  everything about will’s tone and body language in this scene indicates that he’s been stewing over this for a long time, that he doesn’t understand, that this is something profoundly difficult for him to address.  and while it might be nicer to think that merlin sat down and discussed things with will before leaving for camelot, that’s not the inference we’re being asked to make here.  

2) there is absolutely no way they wouldn’t have discussed it, if will had known that merlin was going to leave.  like - if your only friend in the world told you they were moving to another country tomorrow, there’s no way “why?” wouldn’t be the first question you asked.  there’s no way you wouldn’t have that discussion, at the most basic level, before separating.  it just wouldn’t happen.

3) so, given that information, the unfortunate, inescapable conclusion is this: will didn’t know merlin was going to leave.  merlin left without telling him.

everyone is free to continue to headcanon this in their own ways, of course.  but this is what we’re actually being told.

iv. we don’t want your kind round here

the fact that merlin vanishes without so much as a word to his best friend goes a long way towards explaining why merlin is so uncomfortable when he first sees will in the street.  

when they first encounter each other, merlin looks so apprehensive and wary, and the writers are playing it like ‘uh-oh, someone saw him use magic and now he’s nervous about it!!!’  but two seconds later, you realize that this can’t possibly be what’s causing merlin’s concern, because it’s made immediately clear that will already knows about merlin’s magic and isn’t going to say anything about it.  

merlin isn’t afraid of being outed, in this scene.  but he might, however, be afraid of the reception he’s going to get, given what we just discussed.

merlin just up and disappeared from home, and not so much as a letter since - we know will’s had a secondhand update, probably from hunith (“how’ve you been?!  i hear you’re skivvying for some prince”) but he very clearly hasn’t had any direct contact with merlin since before merlin left.  

merlin knows this was a big fuck-up.  he feels guilty.

(and to be clear - i think there is a lot to be said about just how merlin’s departure unfolded, and what stopped him from getting in touch.  it’s a complicated enough topic for its own piece, and it’s not quite within the scope of this essay, but suffice it to say for now that i don’t believe it stemmed from deliberate thoughtlessness or callousness on merlin’s part; it’s...deeper and more complicated than that.  honestly, i think merlin looks back on this as like...the first major mistake he ever made in his life, his...original sin, sort of.  and i don’t think he’s ever forgiven himself for it, either, but again, that’s a story for another day.)  the point here is that merlin didn’t necessarily want to cause harm, but he knew that’s what he was doing regardless - he knew that leaving without a word was the wrong thing to do.  and in this moment he feels rightfully guilty about all of it, and he’s afraid that his friend won’t welcome him home.

merlin’s moment of uncertainty is real, when will pretends to greet him with hostility.  merlin is afraid that will is angry with him for leaving him behind.

(and let’s not kid ourselves, will definitely is)

it’s a festering thing that keeps boiling to the surface as we progress through the episode.  it shows in the way will finally asks why did you leave, avoiding merlin’s eyes, the question laden with vulnerability.  it’s in the exchange “are you going to abandon them?”/“what, like you did?”  there’s real pain there, and confusion, lots of hurt feelings.

but.

despite all of that, will doesn’t freeze merlin out, when merlin comes riding back into town.  merlin is rightfully afraid that will might not want to see him, afraid that “we don’t want your kind round here” might be less of a joke than it ought to be.  and while all of the troubles that merlin is worried about are absolutely real and poised to cause friction later, the truth is that at that exact moment, when merlin comes walking up the road - none of it matters.  will has been nursing a collection of hurt feelings for months now, yeah, but in the immediate moment, when it comes down to it - he puts them aside.

they both do.  nerves, guilty thoughts, bruised feelings - they temporarily abandon all of that in favor of a momentary joy.  you can see how excited they are when they reunite.  how they start smiling at the same time.  how they laugh their way into that hug.  they’re so happy to see each other.

people get pretty worked up about ***That Time Arthur Finally Hugged Merlin!!!***, but i don’t know.  i think it matters to remember that merlin had people who knew how to hold him long before arthur was even a flicker of a shadow in merlin’s mind.

v. why are you being like this

so they reunite!

and then they fight. D:

but what really matters is how they fight, because even when they’re having an argument, they never let things escalate quite to the level of interpersonal nastiness, certainly never to the level of cruelty for cruelty’s sake - just a few hard truths and a pile of hurt feelings:

“i trust arthur with my life.”

“is that so?  so he knows your secret, then?”

...

“face it, merlin, you’re living a lie, just like you were here.  you’re arthur’s servant, nothing more.  otherwise you’d tell him the truth.”

the delivery in this scene is essential for understanding how these two interact with each other.  it’s so telling.  merlin and will are having an argument, and will is angry about everything we’ve already discussed, and on top of that, some prince is trying to round up a bunch of will’s neighbors for a fight that’s going to get a lot of people killed, and will sounds so sharp when he’s talking, up to and including the challenging “is that so?”  

but then when he sees that he’s touched a nerve there and merlin knows he’s right, his voice drops those edges and goes gentler, regretful, like - he and merlin aren’t all hunky-dory right now, but he’s not out to rub merlin’s face in it, either.  he’s not trying to “get back” at merlin for leaving him.  he’s not like...happy that merlin’s situation is shitty.  

vi.  if i broke it (would you quit?)

we mostly only see these two in a tense season.  they’re arguing with each other for almost the entire episode, and yet even in this at-odds state, there are little things that remind us of what they’re usually like - that they don’t want to be arguing, that this isn’t a natural at-rest state for them, that this isn’t what they’re used to.  they butt heads, but they keep swinging around back to each other, and trying again, and trying again, and trying again.  they never write each other off.  they keep trying to make it work.  

examples: merlin asking “why are you being like this?,” the implication being that will isn’t usually like this, that this isn’t how they usually act around each other.  the two of them together in the background of arthur’s pitiful training session, coming right off the tail-end of another argument and busying themselves with their own work, but still reflexively hanging in each other’s orbit.  merlin, even in the middle of a strained conversation, helping clean up the mess that the bandits made of will’s house, without asking or being asked, like it’s just the automatic, reflexive, natural thing to do.  merlin using will’s proper name when discussing him with other people, but always the diminutive when they’re talking to each other.  merlin following will every time will walks away; will doing the same when merlin’s the one who’s leaving.  that moment up in the hedgerow, with will’s embittered “you know why,” which sets them to arguing again, except instead of it pushing them apart, it pulls them closer together - will climbs right up into the hedge where merlin is standing so they can sit next to each other and talk.

like.  he’s angry!  but the instinct isn’t to storm away, it’s to get closer.

i love that so much.  i love how they’re starting to have another argument and merlin stands there and says “why are you being like this,” to which will, already upset, responds “you know why,” BUT -

but

will stalks up into that hedge and plops himself down right next to merlin, and merlin, without a moment’s hesitation, sits down beside him.

i love that.  they’re angry with each other, but their first instinct is still to close the distance.

i wonder, sometimes, how much of that is a function of them only having each other.  when you’re on the outs with someone, usually you can lean on your other friends, but what can they do?  it’s different when the person you usually seek out for comfort is the same person who’s pissing you off.  you don’t have anyone else to run to, so you can’t ever really storm off.  you have to learn how to hash things out.  you have to learn how to make it work.  you have to learn not to give up on each other.  

vii. she was so angry

the implied backstory for how merlin actually ended up in camelot is so painfully fascinating and, quite frankly, wrenching to think about, given how this episode eventually ends.

when will asks merlin why he left, merlin tells him, “it wasn’t what i wanted.  my mother was worried.  when she found out you knew - she was so angry.”  this is telling us that merlin’s departure for camelot was directly preceded by his mother discovering that will knew about merlin’s magic.  that is what ultimately prompted her to send merlin off to camelot.  of course there would have been other contributing factors - it’s evident that merlin’s situation in ealdor has always been precarious - but her immediate reason for sending him away was the fact that she found out that will knew about merlin’s magic, and she was angry and afraid to learn that merlin had been lying to her about something that put him at risk.

“i wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“i know you wouldn’t.”

but merlin’s mother didn’t believe that, or she wouldn’t listen to him when he tried to tell her, and she shipped him off to camelot anyway, despite the fact that camelot is arguably more dangerous for merlin than ealdor ever was.

the web of how this played out is such a tangled mess.  is it my fault, thinks will, before the episode even starts, desperately trying to figure out why merlin would abandon him like that.  it’s my fault, thinks merlin, at the end, knowing that if he had used his magic sooner, or come back alone, events would have unfolded differently.  it’s my fault, thinks hunith, realizing that the particular fear upon which she based merlin’s entire departure was utterly unfounded.

merlin doesn’t blame her for it, even though he has reason enough to be angry about it, by the end of this episode.  he understands that she was just trying to protect him.  but the truth of the matter is that she did make a mistake.  she was afraid for him, and she saw danger everywhere, and so she made a misjudgment.  

it’s the miniest of mini-arcs, but it’s there.  at the end of this episode, right after will drops the Big Damn Lie, merlin looks desperately around for the only other person in the room who understands, and the camera rests on hunith’s face for one lingering moment, as she realizes what’s happening.  when she’s exiting the house, there’s a shot where she pauses for a minute on her way out the door, staring back at her son's dying friend, who just offered himself up as a willing sacrifice to keep merlin’s secret safe.  

she and merlin are the only people in the room who understand the real import of that moment, the real meaning of that gesture.  they’re the only ones who know what’s happening, what it really means for will to say “i did it.”

hunith knows she misjudged that kid big-time.

viii. you can be my ride or die

so.  will.

why am i even interested in him?  what is it about this character that makes me want to write about him?

number one: i love him because he’s the only person we ever meet who cares exclusively about merlin.  

everyone else merlin has met up until this point is either a) as beholden to camelot and arthur as merlin is himself, or b) aware of merlin’s “destiny,” which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but does change the way people talk to him and treat him.  

it’s not that merlin doesn’t have people who care about him, but those relationships are not the same as the one he has with will.  merlin is obviously #1 in his mom’s life, of course - but, importantly, even hunith’s immediate reaction to merlin’s uncertainty at the end of 1.10 is to tell him that he has to go back to camelot, that arthur needs him, that he’s “the other side of a coin.”  this despite the fact that hunith has known arthur for all of five minutes and that merlin, in the moment where she talks to him, is in a lot of pain, and maybe it isn’t the most appropriate moment say, ‘hey, you absolutely must devote yourself to that guy i literally just watched lecture you about the evils of magic while attending your (supposedly magical) dead best friend’s funeral.’  

and when it comes to merlin’s camelot network, well - he’s #1 in gaius’s life, too, but gaius also is deeply concerned with the greater good, with the future emergence of albion, with what merlin is meant to become and do.  morgana and arthur - well, they don’t know merlin, first of all (really know him, all of him, the important bits) - they definitely like him well enough, and care about him in their way, but ultimately they’re royalty or pseudo-royalty and they have priorities that go beyond merlin, who, at the end of the day, is still a servant.  gwen comes the closest to being on merlin’s level, but she doesn’t know him-know him either, and as time goes on she gets more involved with the Crown, with arthur, and with the responsibilities all of that brings.  even merlin’s later friends all go on to have other missions - they absolutely all love him, but they all become knights, and they are as concerned about the well-being of the realm and the king as merlin is.  even merlin HIMSELF puts arthur’s life ahead of his own - he defines his worth by how well he can protect his prince.  

but will is the only person we ever meet who just cares about merlin - merlin the regular person, not the servant he pretends to be, or the legend he’s supposed to become.  not the fake, non-magical merlin facade (which is what almost everyone else needs merlin to be before they can condescend to be his friend) and not some destiny-laden figure out of prophecy, either.  will doesn’t know anything about destiny or prophecies.  he’s never needed to know about any of that stuff to care.  he’s always liked merlin.  just merlin.  just as he is.  

that matters.  all merlin ever does in this show is deny himself or be denied of the things every regular human being needs to thrive - love, acceptance, truth, safety.  he constantly puts or is forced to put other priorities ahead of his own interests, to a point where now, by season five, he’s spent years defending a regime that oppresses him, protecting kings who would execute him.  

will, in a display of true-to-character contrariness, upsets that entire narrative, because he does not care one whit about any of the things for which merlin is supposed to sacrifice his life.  will gives less than zero (count them: negative zero) fucks about arthur pendragon, and he doesn’t care about camelot, and he wouldn’t know what “albion” meant if he heard the word.  and it is refreshing - a blessed, beautiful, heartbreaking relief - to see one person in the world who only cares about merlin, for whom arthur pendragon, in comparison with merlin, isn’t the slightest bit important.  arthur isn’t even on the map.  he’s a non-entity.  he doesn’t exist.  

it’s a complete inversion of the way things are supposed to go, in this story.  you know how it goes - arthur is the once and future king, and merlin’s job is to usher in his reign.  "maybe that is its purpose,” gaius says, about merlin’s magic being meant to protect arthur, about merlin being born this way for that particular reason.  it’s merlin’s job to save arthur’s life.  it’s merlin’s job to teach arthur to be a better person, at his own expense.  it’s all for arthur.  i give my life for arthur’s.  his life is worth a hundred of mine.  what is the life of a servant compared with that of a prince?

will delivers the biggest fuck-you to that entire framework, because he doesn’t assess merlin’s worth based on what merlin can do for some random prince on the other side of the border.  merlin’s magic wasn’t purposed for anything, as far as will is concerned.  it doesn’t need to justify itself.  it just is.  it’s just who merlin is.  

and who merlin is has always been just fine.

ix. am i the only one wondering who the hell this is

for will, it’s people like arthur who need to justify themselves.  arthur with all of his power, arthur riding into little villages with his sword drawn, arthur and his bossing around and his “now, merlin!” conversation-interrupting.  will makes no allowances for wealth and couldn’t be less interested in royalty - his frame of reference isn’t you’re the once and future king and merlin exists to prop you up; it’s who the hell are you?  what gives you the right to be here?  what did you do to earn what you have?  

will, like gwaine after him, is acutely aware of the injustice of the reigning social system, and he’s not afraid to throw it in arthur’s face.  he knows that people like himself and merlin and all of their neighbors are unjustly disadvantaged from birth until death, and he knows they’re disadvantaged solely because the people at the top of the social chain are greedy lords who sow no seed but reap all the grain, who do no work but enjoy the greatest rewards, who steal from the people with impunity and call it divine entitlement.  will knows that he and merlin and all of their neighbors are considered no better than plow-beasts or war-fodder, and he knows that there is absolutely nothing they can do to stop the nobility from either taxing them into starvation or sending them off to die in a ditch - which makes him impossibly angry, and, unlike everybody else in his village, he’s not shy about saying so.

will is, at this point, literally the first non-villain to look at arthur and not immediately see some messianic pinnacle of human greatness - which is refreshing, to be honest, and fair enough besides!  he’s evaluating arthur from merlin’s side of things, after all, which nobody - including merlin - ever does, and while i love arthur as much as anybody - for the people’s hero that he could be, and for what he is, sometimes, if not frequently enough - the truth is that he’s not good for all of his people, not yet, and he’s not good for merlin, not the way things stand right now.  

will knows that.  he looks at arthur and sees a guy with a lot of power, who also happens to rule over the the least magic-friendly place in the five kingdoms, to whom merlin needs to lie in order to avoid the executioner’s block, and he sees merlin deluding himself into thinking that this supremely unequal, extremely unsafe situation counts as friendship.  

now, is will’s assessment of the situation a snap judgment based on personal encounters with an unjust social system and very limited knowledge of arthur as a person?  yes, definitely.  are there nuances to merlin and arthur’s relationship that he’s missing?  absolutely.

is he wrong?

not really.  and merlin knows it.

x. friends don’t lord it over one another!

i think about that line every damn episode.

over and over again, it comes back to me.  i hear it every time arthur gets On His Shit and invokes power he pretends not to have, every time i see more evidence of how this supposed “friendship” between him and merlin is inherently imbalanced.  it’s my favorite thing will says in all of 1.10, because it is so true and yet, most of the time, so unacknowledged as a dynamic.

we’re meant to love arthur and merlin together, and we do - i do; i do; when i see those moments that approach true mutual respect and care between them i am as swept up by the potential beauty of this friendship as anyone - but i still think about this line all the time.  it’s not right, the power dynamic between the two of them.  it’s not just about servants vs. royalty, though of course that’s a structural part of how it plays out.  it’s about the fact that, in a real friendship, one person can’t just whip out “you ever say anything like that again, and i swear you’ll join her in exile forever” to shut down a conversation and cow you into silence.  one person can’t just throw you in jail to spend a night “cooling off,” and they definitely can’t arrest you whenever someone levels a random accusation at you.  in a real friendship, it’s not one person who has all the power.  

but when it comes to arthur and merlin, that’s exactly what happens.  arthur gets to decide when he and merlin are and aren’t friends.  arthur gets to call merlin in or send him away.  arthur gets to make all the decisions about when to listen, when to ignore, when to trust, when to believe.  merlin can nudge, encourage, suggest, even defy, but ultimately, when you get right down to it, arthur is the king, and merlin is his servant, a dynamic which is compounded by the deadly particulars of merlin’s situation.  the relationship isn’t unequal solely because of a difference in social class, it’s unequal because arthur literally has the power of life and death over merlin.  arthur could (and would, as far as merlin knows) have merlin executed any day of the week, if he found out who merlin really was.  

that’s why when merlin tries to tell will that arthur is his friend, will snaps, “friends don’t lord it over one another!”  it’s not that you can’t care about someone who has more power than you, and it’s not that you can’t have some kind of relationship with them, but it is not real friendship if you think your “friend” will kill you when they find out who you really are.  it is not a real friendship if you have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to preserve the relationship.  real friends don’t leverage impossible amounts of power to shut you up when you say something they don’t want to hear.  real friends don’t say things like “you’ll be a friend for life if you do [x thing]” to convince you to lie to their dad while they go out with a girl and thus get you clapped in the stocks three times in a row, and then turn around and show their appreciation by letting people raid and ransack your house multiple times, throwing you in jail at least twice, accusing (and once nearly executing!) your loyal long-serving mentor more than once - among innumerable other issues.  real friends aren’t “you’re my friend when i need you to be, but not when it’s inconvenient.”  they don’t have the kind of power to turn things on and off whenever they want.

i love that will is the only person who ever acknowledges this, across five seasons of this show.  i love that he spits it out immediately, without hesitation, the minute merlin tries to makes things sound better than they are.  i love that he says it unapologetically, to merlin’s face, because he says it for merlin’s sake, after all - the point of saying ‘friends don’t lord it over one another’ is to say ‘that guy doesn’t appreciate you the way you appreciate him/this isn’t reciprocal and he’s taking advantage of you/this isn’t the friendship you want it to be and i don’t like seeing you settle for this.’  will is that friend who watches you interact with someone and then later gets in your business like ‘EXCUSE ME!  I DO NOT LIKE HOW HE TALKS TO YOU!  I DON’T LIKE HOW HE TREATS YOU!'

will knows that merlin deserves better than arthur pendragon, even when merlin himself won’t concede that point.  merlin won’t advocate for himself, so will tries to do it for him.  merlin can try to convince himself that arthur is a real friend all he wants, but will knows what’s up.  he knows.  he knows where this is going, if merlin’s relationship with arthur is allowed to continue on exactly as-is.  will knows, from the very beginning, that this is a recipe for disaster.  

[addendum 2020: speaking from a post season-5 perspective...will understood where merlin and arthur were headed long before even we the audience did.]

xi. friends don’t lord it over one another [reprise]

you know what real friends do do for each other, though?

a) listen - even when they don’t like what the other person is saying

b) care - even when they’re angry

that’s it.  that’s what matters.  

we don’t need more than an hour of watching will and merlin onscreen together to see that this is how they interact with each other.  they’re arguing for most of this episode, and they’re both right, in different ways, but by the time they’ve had it out with one another, they both understand where their own arguments were wrong, too.  they listen to each other despite the fact that they’re angry, and despite the fact that they both have very strong feelings about their respective positions.  they care enough about each other to look past their personal injuries and accept where the other person is coming from.

merlin starts off this episode absolutely dead-set against using his magic to help ealdor, if there’s any chance arthur could find out about it.  but later, before he and will have even officially reconciled onscreen, we can already see that he’s been listening to what will’s been saying, that he’s come around to will’s way of thinking, because he tells his mother “if it comes down to a choice between revealing who i truly am and saving lives - that’s no choice at all,” hearkening back to will’s “are you telling me you’d rather keep your magic a secret for arthur’s sake than use it to protect your friends and family?”  and: “if arthur doesn’t accept me for who i am...well...then he’s not the friend i hoped he was” (you’re arthur’s servant, nothing more.  otherwise you’d tell him the truth.)  

merlin has been listening the whole time, even if he didn’t like what will was saying.

and the same goes for will, too.  he’s (understandably!) bitter about merlin’s situation, about the way merlin left, about the new life merlin built for himself while will was suffering in a confused limbo of abandonment at home - and will also obviously thinks the Farmers’ Resistance is a total disaster, a noble-spun farce that’s going to get good people killed - but even though he doesn’t trust the camelot contingent and couldn’t give fewer shits about prince arthur pendragon specifically, he trusts merlin.  he listens to merlin, even though they’ve been fighting.  he comes back because merlin keeps telling him it’s the right thing to do.

they both listen, even when it seems like they’re just arguing with each other.  and they both acknowledge where the other person was right, even when it means making themselves vulnerable.  will comes back to help his neighbors fight a battle against hopeless odds.  merlin exposes his magic to save people’s lives.  

they teach each other how to do the right thing.  they make each other brave.

xii. you just saved my life

let’s talk about being brave, then.

this kid jumps in front of a crossbow for a guy he doesn’t even like.

can we be clear about that?  will doesn’t even LIKE arthur.  he doesn’t particularly care about him.  he doesn’t accept him as the noble savior of all mankind.  he isn’t interested in defending the nobility, and he certainly hasn’t jumped on the camelot bandwagon.  just because he’s seen that arthur wasn’t planning on sending them all to their deaths without risking his own neck doesn’t mean will is suddenly going to start flying the pendragon crest from atop his house.

but he isn’t going to step back and let a coward shoot another man in the back, either.

arthur’s still a prince, yeah.  arthur’s still sitting at the tip-top of an unjust social system, benefitting from all kinds of privileges he didn’t earn.  arthur’s still a crappy friend to merlin.  heck, two seconds before that crossbow gets fired, arthur’s gone full-on inquisition-mode, interrogating merlin about sorcery, which, given that arthur can just go ahead and have merlin executed with a snap of his fingers, isn’t a great way to earn will’s respect or trust.  

but you know what?  when it comes down to it, will’s automatic, reflexive reaction upon seeing someone in immediate danger is to Get In The Way.  

it doesn’t matter that will doesn’t like arthur.  it doesn’t even matter that he actively dislikes arthur.  will doesn’t even think about it, he just moves.  instinctively.  automatically.  he isn’t going to let anyone standing right in front of him get murdered with their back turned, no matter how much he can’t stand them.  

let’s all take a second to remember and acknowledge something in arthur’s stead, since i’m not sure arthur will do it himself - arthur pendragon would have been dead right there if it weren’t for a dirt-poor peasant farmer from cenred’s kingdom who never had anything nice to say to a prince but still stepped between a pendragon and a crossbow in the name of doing the right thing.  without will, the story would have ended in season 1, episode 10.  albion itself owes its future existence to a young man with no surname who will never be acknowledged or recognized for anything he did, not for teaching the future king a lesson in humility, not for saving the prince’s life, and certainly not for the greatest and most noble move he ever made, because that gesture’s success is predicated upon its remaining a secret.  

this kid saves the entire World That Will Be.  the show would have ended before it ever really began, if not for our man prince william of ealdor.  

merlin knows that, and merlin never forgets it.  but i’m not so sure about everyone else.

xiii. yeah, don’t know what i was thinking

let’s talk about defiance.

this kid is dying, and he’s still full of piss and vinegar.  when arthur says, wide-eyed, “you’re a sorcerer,” will responds, “yeah.  what are you going to do, kill me?”  

what a power move.  what a thing to say.  

that’s not a question.  that is a no-fucks-given, shame-and-blame challenge.  

what are you going to do, kill me?  

merlin uses those exact same words during his confrontation with morgana in 3.02.  when he’s trapped - when he’s cornered and betrayed and angry - he reaches for the kind of defiance he once saw exercised on his own behalf, for a shameless bravery that burned itself into his brain.  for the kind of strength he wants to channel himself.

when it comes to holding your ground in front of the pendragon dynasty, merlin learned from the best.

xiv. and i’m prince william, of ealdor

let’s talk about names.

william: from wil (will or determination) and helm (protection, a helm)

hence the common translation of resolute protector.

which, given the events of 1.10, seems very fitting.

xv. i did it

let’s talk about lies.

because resolute protector rings even more powerfully true when it comes to merlin than it does for arthur.

at the time of this writing, i have four more episodes to watch before i’m done with season 5.  at this point, at the end of the show, merlin’s magic is still a secret.  merlin’s gotten involved in a lot of dangerous situations, risking his life in other ways, but the one danger he’s never had to really confront is the executioner’s block, because none of the pendragons know his secret.

and the reason none of the pendragons know his secret is thanks to our boy prince william of ealdor, who turns his own untimely death into a last-second rescue operation by telling the Biggest Damn Lie of his life and then doubling down on it when merlin tries to tell him no.

will is the one who secures merlin’s next five years of relative safety.  not from all of life’s dangers, of course; no one can do that - but when it comes to merlin’s greatest fear, the worst outcome, the prospect of being dragged out of his home in chains and murdered in front of an ogling crowd for just existing - will buys merlin’s escape from that fate with his life.  merlin remains hidden and unexposed to this very day because will died protecting his secret, because will lied to the prince of magic-hunting and invited upon himself all of the risk and scorn and danger and condemnation that a false confession like that entailed.

i honestly don’t know how to express clearly enough the enormity of that moment.  the momentousness of that gesture.  i called it a bold and tremendous lie in some other post somewhere, and i don’t know how else to capture what it was.  the thought of what it would mean, to be merlin, and to see someone throw themselves on the block for your sake, for your safety and your future and your freedom, when the rest of the world and every message you’ve ever absorbed says you don’t deserve to be safe, you don’t deserve to be free, you don’t deserve to exist.  

it is impossible to overstate how much that matters.  merlin carries that with him for the rest of his life.

xvi: i can’t fight you anymore (it’s you i’m fighting for)

let’s talk about love, okay?

this ep is called the moment of truth, right?  

so here are some truths about will.  in the time that we spend with him, we come to understand that he is the following:

a poor peasant kid with nothing to his name

a kid whose father is dead  

a kid whose mother is either dead or absent

a kid who “people are used to ignoring”

a kid who’s been making his own way through this backbreaking subsistence-farmer’s life with no grown-ups to hold him or help him or listen to him when he comes home at night

a kid who isn’t trusted to protect merlin’s secret, even by merlin’s own mother, whom will has known for his entire life

a kid whose only friend in the world fucked off to the country next door without a hint of warning or any indication that it was something that should matter to either one of them, making will think he misread the only meaningful relationship he’s ever had, because if merlin can just vanish to nowhere and not even bother to send a note, then either merlin wasn’t actually his friend to begin with or merlin was his friend at one time but doesn’t want to be anymore, both of which options are soul-crushing

a closed-off, heavily-armored, hurting kid who’s been unspeakably lonely for the past few months but also angry and ashamed at himself for feeling that way, because how stupid did he have to be, to think that he mattered to someone, that someone would ever want him or love him or need him or miss him, to think that this time would be different, that this time somebody wouldn’t leave him -

and even in this state - even in the midst of all this -

at the moment of truth, he still puts himself on the chopping block.  he still says, “you’ll have to go through me.”

he comes through for merlin.  of course he does.  the irony is bitter and beautiful - hunith sent merlin away precisely because she didn’t trust that merlin would be safe with will knowing about his magic, but in the end it’s will who gives up everything to keep merlin’s secret concealed.

not just to keep it concealed, even - to reverse merlin being outed.  merlin had already been exposed.  the deed was done!  the magic was seen!  it was all over - and then, miraculously, it wasn’t.  what will did was the only way merlin could ever have slipped safely back under the cover of secrecy.

will didn’t have to do that.  he didn’t have to lie about performing magic, and he didn’t have to save arthur, either.  it would have been better for will to let arthur die, in fact, and it would have been better for him to let merlin get caught, too, because ‘maybe then merlin would have to stay here with me’ - but will is so much better than petty revenge.  he’s so much better than anybody ever gives him credit for, merlin excepted.  

the fight will has with merlin doesn’t matter to him, in the end.  it was a complicated situation for both of them; will knows this.  if he weren’t dying now, he and merlin would have talked it out and made up - will knows that, too.  things could have gone a little smoother between them, maybe, and will still thinks going back to camelot is less than what merlin deserves, but it’s what merlin wants, and the mark of truly loving someone is when you want the best for them, even if it means you don’t get what you want for yourself.  so ultimately, when it comes down to it, the truth for will is this: he wants merlin to have a good life.  he wants merlin to be safe.  he wants merlin to be happy.  he wants merlin to be with him, too, but if he can’t have that, it’s no reason to withhold any of the other gifts he can bestow.  if one of those gifts is freedom, if one of those gifts is safety - it’s no choice at all.  

merlin is will’s one good thing.  merlin deserves everything will can give him, as far as will is concerned.

xvii. the only place worth being

this place has been boring without you.

what a thing to tell someone.

what a powerful thing to say to someone whose entire life up to this point has been a litany of ‘there’s something wrong with you,’ ‘you don’t belong here,’ ‘you’re cursed/broken/wrong/unnatural.’  what a dauntlessly loving thing to tell someone whose entire life has been the message ‘people like you deserve to die,’ over and over and over again.

what a singularly beautiful thing it is, for someone like merlin to hear ‘you are what makes this place worth living in.’

xviii: the only one worth seeing

likewise it’s good to see you again.

because it’s not just “it’s good to see you again;” it’s an acknowledgement that merlin is the last person will is ever going to see.  

and will is like, okay.

he’d rather be alive, yeah, but if he had choose - it’s good that it’s you.

xix: the only bed worth sleeping in (is the one right next to you)

the most devastating moment in this sequence, for me, is at the very end, when will confesses fear.

it doesn’t happen until everything else has been taken care of.  arthur’s been fooled, merlin’s been safely shuffled back under the cover of secrecy, everybody’s been taken in by the ruse and sent away, none the wiser  - all the necessary and important business has been dealt with.

only at the very, very end does will’s own predicament rear its ugly head.  only after everything else is done does he even allow himself to feel it.  he’s spent the rest of this sequence making jokes and roasting arthur and keeping it all together, but at the last second, when he falters, he comes undone for the only person he trusts, the only person who understands him, the only person in the world who gives a damn about him.  his defenses come down, in that last moment, for merlin - and it could ONLY be for merlin - when will says, “merlin, i’m scared.”

we don’t need anything else, to understand their relationship.  we’ve seen enough of will by now to recognize that he keeps the world at arm’s length, that even his walls have walls, that this is just not the sort of thing he would ever admit to.  confessions of pain?  acknowledging vulnerability?  never.  he’s not that kind of character.  we know he has a big heart - look at what he’s doing - but we also know he’s had a hard life.  he’s wrapped himself in layers upon layers of protection - snark and anger and deflection and sarcasm and still making jokes at the prince’s expense after being shot in the chest - nobody is allowed to see him open and undefended, never.

except merlin.

will is dying.  he is so young.  he has been so alone, for so much of his life, and he’s so young, and he’s dying.  he clutches for this lifeline like it’s the only thing he has, because it is the only thing he has - merlin is his only friend.  merlin is the person will loves best in the whole world.

merlin, i’m scared.

that is so unbelievably vulnerable.  that is so utterly naked.  that is totally defenseless, exposed, belly-up and barethroated under someone else’s burning gaze.

that is absolute trust.  will would never have said that in front of anyone else.  he would never have allowed anyone else to see him like that.

his confession is, like pretty much everything else he ever does, for merlin alone.

xx. your heart is on my sleeve

merlin, will keeps repeating.  merlin.

how much do you have to love someone, to make their name your last words?  how much do you have to care about someone, for that to be the only thing you can think to say, again and again, in your last terrified moments on this earth?

that’s a rhetorical question.  

i know how much.

xxi: i missed you too

i think, sometimes, about will, when i watch the later seasons of merlin, and about how he would feel if he could see what merlin’s life has turned into.

i sometimes wonder how he would feel, if he could see how merlin allows himself to be passed over, disbelieved, disrespected.  if he could see how merlin has started to define his worth in terms of how well he is able to protect Some Dude who doesn’t even know who merlin is, who keeps people like merlin trapped in the shadows of subjugation, hidden citizens in their own kingdom.  if will could see how merlin has laid his entire life down for other people’s enrichment, if he could see how little hope merlin now holds for his own happiness, if he could see the way merlin in S5 has given up on his own liberation -  

i don’t have to guess what will would say about it.  i know how he would feel.  if will could see merlin in season 5, his raging little heart would break.

i wish he were here to tell merlin exactly what he thought about it.  merlin does all this self-sacrificing for the sake of his “destiny”; whereas will would think that any destiny making merlin this miserable was a steaming pile of trash.  will would tell kilgharrah to get lost, and to take his questionable advice with him.  will would tell arthur to fuck off - he’s done it already, in slightly less explicit terms.  

does that mean i truly think merlin is supposed to abandon his mission and ditch camelot and run off to live his own life?  no.  merlin cares too much about making the world a better place to be truly happy with that kind of existence; he wants to change things for the common good; he wants to help the people he cares about.  but merlin, as he tries to fulfill his mission, is desperately missing will’s kind of support in his life.  merlin needs someone who is only here for him.  he needs someone who is going to get up in his face and remind him, “you matter.”  he needs someone to tell him, “you deserve better than this.”  he needs someone who isn’t afraid to tell destiny to fuck off, when telling destiny to fuck off is in merlin’s best interests.

merlin needs someone who is on his side.  

not camelot’s side.  not albion’s side.  not arthur’s side.  

HIS side.  merlin’s side.

xxii: he still is

the thing about will, then, for me, is this: i can’t minimize him.

i can’t do it.  i can’t diminish that part of merlin’s life.  

i don’t think it’s possible to overestimate his importance, frankly.  merlin, when we meet him, has only ever had two people in his life.  that is such an...unfathomable experience, for many of us.  just two people.  just two people to know you.  just two people to love you.  just two people, for your whole life.

will wasn’t just some friend.  will was half of merlin’s world.

fannish pursuits that i have seen...the things where will appears are already so limited, and of course that’s completely understandable - it’s not like he’s a main character, or even a side character, by any means; i totally get that.  but - so much of what i see is him serving solely as a set-up for merlin/arthur, or otherwise being shoved out of the way as soon as arthur shows up on the scene, or showing up only to be a receptacle for discussion about arthur and merlin’s developing relationship - even will and merlin’s own ship tag is 90% merlin/arthur fics.

and there’s nothing wrong with this, ultimately; everybody should continue to write exactly what they want and enjoy exactly what they want; that’s the fun of fandom.  i mention these things here only because for me, personally, the whole point of will’s character is that merlin’s life is bigger than just arthur.  the most important relationship merlin had for most of his life had zip-zero-nothing to do with arthur pendragon, and it still has zip-zero-nothing to do with arthur pendragon, after will is dead.  

you remember will’s funeral at the end of 1.10?  arthur has an entire conversation (a horrible one, fyi) with merlin, and merlin doesn’t look at him once.  he answers arthur’s questions because he has to, but his eyes never once leave the pyre in front of him - not while he’s listening, not while he’s talking, not once.  not ever.  arthur comes, arthur chastises, and arthur goes, all without being granted so much as a glance, because this isn’t about him.  this is none of his business.

the whole point of will is that it is possible for someone to love merlin and not give a tinker’s cuss about arthur pendragon.  the whole point of will is that having someone love merlin without caring about arthur pendragon is, in fact, a good thing.  merlin needs somebody like that in his life.  he struggles when he doesn’t have someone like this around to advocate for him.  just look at where he is in season 5 - look at what his life has become, when it’s been years since he had an in-the-know friend.

merlin suffers when he loses this kind of support.  it’s easy to say that will is never mentioned again after 1.10, but there are real reasons why merlin wouldn’t be willing to explicitly mention him, and the lack of explicit references doesn’t mean we can’t still see him, if we pay attention.  we see the immediate impact of his death in merlin’s attitude shift in 1.11.  we see him in 2.02, when merlin names his fake tournament knight sir william and spends the rest of the episode roasting arthur to within an inch of his life.  we see him in the season 3 opener, when morgana levels her sword at merlin and the first thing that pops out of merlin’s mouth is “what are you going to do, kill me?”  we see him in gwaine’s intro episode, when merlin immediately cleaves to this class-conscious ‘people get sick of me too quickly’ stranger whose father was killed fighting one of the king’s wars.  and his absence is felt, more generally (as is lancelot’s) in how quickly merlin’s life starts to spiral out of control once the only two honest friends he ever had are gone.  their loss doesn’t have to be explicitly referenced for us to understand that merlin, without that kind of support system, is faltering.  we see it happening with our own eyes.

[edit, post-viewing-of-S5-finale: and we see where it eventually leads, too.]  

so, once again, as i said - i can’t minimize this character.  i can’t overstate the positive impact of merlin having somebody who was here for him and only him, who affirmed merlin’s value independently of arthur pendragon’s fate, who knew and loved merlin without caring about a “destiny” that ultimately, in the end, turned out to be a cruel joke made at merlin’s expense.  

if will had lived, i’m not sure we would have ended up in quite so dark a place.  we might have landed in some other tight spot, sure, but i can tell you one thing for certain - will would not have sat quietly by and allowed merlin to throw his life away, not for camelot, not for arthur, and certainly not for a parade of empty promises.

xxiii: where you are, there i’ll be

the bottom line is this.

merlin spent the first two decades of his life with one friend.

one.  

loved by one friend.  

one.

merlin had his mother, who was there for him from the beginning, whose love was unconditional, who was an “of course.”

and he had will, who chose merlin, who kept choosing merlin even after merlin told him the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Secret.  will’s presence in merlin’s life is the only reason merlin grows up believing himself to be deserving of love from people who aren’t his own mother.  his presence in merlin’s life is the only reason merlin knows how to have and be a friend.  his presence in merlin’s life is the only reason merlin is who he is - a merlin who’d spent his entire life without a single friend would not have been the same confident, optimistic, gregarious person who later walked into camelot and told arthur pendragon, “i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass.”

will mattered.  we don’t talk about him much, because he only appeared in one episode, but it wasn’t “one episode” for merlin; it was closer to twenty years of companionship, of elbows in ribcages and smirks exchanged across the room and someone to natter on at, a person to sit next to and walk beside, in every season and all sorts of weather.

will chose merlin, and he kept right on choosing him, until he breathed his very last breath.  that is enough for me to love him, to feel grateful that he existed.  i don’t care how rough he is around the edges.  i don’t care that he hates arthur pendragon’s guts, that he has a big mouth, that he speaks out of turn, that he has no tact, that he can’t suffer fools, that he has a chip on his shoulder the size of a minor planetoid and wings it at people’s heads when the mood is on him.

he loved merlin.  actual, magical merlin; merlin as he truly is, merlin in all his gifted, unnatural, beautiful imperfection.  

that is a desperately rare thing.  that is worth celebrating.

[poorrichardslegacy]

Kacxa Week Day 5 - Conversation in the Black Lion

Icebreaker

SUMMARY: What happened between Keith and Acxa between the time they blew up the Pirate cruiser and they made their way to Acxa’s base camp?

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26892517

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Acxa/Keith (Voltron) Characters: Acxa (Voltron), Keith (Voltron), Keith’s Wolf (Voltron) Original Child Character(s), Original Galran Character(s), Keith's Family (Voltron) Additional Tags: Kacxa Week 2020, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Family Dynamics

---------------

Keith checks the star charts as he maneuvers his way through the asteroid field. Acxa comes forward, looks over his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“Does this area look familiar, Acxa?”

“Yes, it does. I spent the better part of two decaphoebs here. Androse should be just ahead.”

From the rear of the shuttle Keith and Acxa’s sixteen-year old daughters step into the cockpit. “So, Mom, you’ve been here before?”

“Yup. Back when I fought with the Voltron Coalition. Your father and I were…reunited here after he was missing for three decaphoebs.”

“NO WAY! This is where you fought with the Voltron Coalition? Where did you meet up with Dad? On some super-secret mission where you swept him off his feet and you fell hopelessly in love with him.”

“Well…Not quite. We met up on a pirate ship…run by Zethrid and Ezor.”

“NO WAY! Aunt Zethrid and Aunt Ezor were pirates?”

Keith chuckles, his attention still fixed on the asteroid field. “So was your mother at one time.”

“NO WAY!”

Acxa gives Keith a light smack on the back of the head for that wisecrack. “I was a pirate for about two movements. Then I joined the Voltron Coalition. When Voltron returned after being missing for three decaphoebs, your father and the other Paladins managed to get themselves captured. I broke into the pirate ship and got them out.”

Keith loudly clears his throat. “Acxa…love…if you’re going to tell them the story, tell them the whole story of how creative we were when we got off that ship.”

“Creative? NO WAY! That’s dad-speak for blowing something up! Mom did you blow something up?”

“No…but your father certainly did. He had the Paladins blow up some Synthian Nitrate canisters in the cargo hold. He blew a large hole in the side of that ship. We were lucky we got out alive. In fact, that’s how I got my first and only ride in the Black Lion.”

“NO WAY! YOU RODE IN THE BLACK LION?”

Keith glances over his shoulder at his daughter. “Do you know any words other than ‘no way’?”

Mireya stands erect before her father, folds her hands in front of her, and speaks formally to Keith. “Why yes father. Thanks to mother I am endowed with a large vocabulary of extraneous and sizable words of dubious import that no one knows the meaning of that I use when the situation requires it. Indubitably, people are impressed by my syntax and the breadth and intellectual depths of my comments.”

Keith turns and stares deadpan at Mireya while Acxa and Cataleya do everything in their power to keep from splitting their sides with laughter.

“You got the sarcasm gene from your mother, didn’t you?”

Having made her point, Mireya resumes her usual demeanor. “Maybe. I got the stubborn gene from you. So, Dad, are you going to tell us about how you and Mom took your first ride together in the Black Lion?”

“You want a story? Here’s one for you…”

---------------

He grips her hand tightly as he and his fellow half-Galra jetpack at full speed away from the exploding pirate cruiser. Ahead, the Black Lion awaits them, its jaws open in anticipation of their arrival. Keith looks back at the woman who just risked everything to save the Paladins.

“I’ve got you. Don’t let go.”

She grips his hand tighter, an expression of determination on her face, and trust in her eyes. “I won’t.”

They land in the jaws of the Lion. They close, and after a moment the atmosphere within the jaws is restored and the hatch to the interior of the Lion opens. Still holding her hand, he looks back to her and smiles, a lock of his hair hanging down in front of his eyes.

“Welcome back to the Black Lion. Come on, we need to get to the cockpit.”

---------------

He leads her to the cockpit, where he checks in with the Paladins.

“Keith, where are we going?”

“I’m not entirely sure yet, Hunk.”

Acxa puts her hand on his shoulder. “I have a base camp about three vargas away from here.”

Lance overhears the conversation, guesses what the Black Paladin is thinking, and calls him on it. “Keith, can we trust her?”

Keith looks Acxa squarely in the eye. “We can trust her. She risked her life to help us.”

Acxa pulls up a star chart on her wrist device and shows it to Keith. “Set a course for Androse. There is a ruined base there. Just below it is a plain where the Lions can touch down. My base is in a cave in the hillside just off that plain.”

Seeing movement in the rear of the cockpit, Acxa spies Cosmo, and greets him.

“Hello…I don’t suppose you remember me?”

---------------

It has been just over three decaphoebs since she last saw Keith’s loyal Cosmic Dire Wolf. Following their last fight against one another, just before Lotor’s meltdown, Acxa critically wounded the Black Paladin. Establishing contact with a semi-conscious Keith following the battle and realizing what she had done, she pleaded with Cosmo to teleport her into the ship so she could tend to the rapidly fading Paladin’s wounds and save his life.

Suspicious of her motives at first, Cosmo watched Acxa carefully and saw that she truly had Keith’s best interests at heart. Cosmo asked her why she was so concerned with saving his life after she tried to kill him.

Her emotional reply was telling.

“I wasn’t trying to kill him. I never wanted this. I just…wanted to scare him away.”

Watching the care that Acxa took with Keith and listening to the remorse in her voice on the recording she left for him told the perceptive wolf one thing. Before taking Acxa back to her ship, he shared his thoughts. “There is more here than meets the eye, Corillian. Hopefully, some day you will see what I see. For your sake and for his.”

---------------

Cosmo saunters over to greet her. “I remember you, Corillian.”

Acxa scratches Cosmo behind his ears with both hands, an act that the giant wolf greatly appreciates.

Not wanting to overdo it, Acxa sits back on her haunches and admires him. “A Cosmic Dire Wolf. Before Braylar IV I had never seen one.”

Keith is grateful to have an icebreaker to get Acxa talking. Something that does not involve pirates or exploding cruisers. “Neither had I. I had a dog when I was a boy. I loved him. He was really attached to Dad. The dog fell into a funk when he died, and I was separated from him when I was taken to the orphanage.”

Acxa detects the sadness in Keith’s eyes and reaches out with her words to offer empathy. “I’m sorry about your father, Keith. I lost my parents as well. My father when I was 2, my mother when I was 9. I too spent time in an orphanage.”

“Sounds like we have a few things in common.”

Acxa gives him a wry smile. “Yes, it does.”

So much for the icebreaker. They fall into silence for a varga, as Keith focuses on piloting around the minefields laid by Zethrid and Ezor. Acxa gives him the information he needs to navigate through them then moves away so as not to crowd him.

She sits back and watches him, trying to understand the feelings she has for the Black Paladin. Feelings that drove her to sneak onto the pirate cruiser to free him. He was gone for three decaphoebs. She expected any feelings she had for him to have faded.

They have done anything but fade.

Sensing she is feeling blue, Cosmo comes over to comfort her. He speaks softly so only she can hear him. “Still haven’t figured it out, have you Corillian?”

“Obviously not, since I’m still trying to figure out what I haven’t figured out yet. I don’t suppose you could call me Acxa? That would go a long way to making me feel better. At least I’d know I had one person on my side.”

Cosmo curls up next to her and places his chin on her lap. “Don’t sell yourself short, Acxa. Keith over there…he is your biggest advocate. Cheer up. He really is glad to see you.””

Acxa scratches the wolf behind his ears. “Thank you. That’s good to know.”

Keith, blissfully oblivious to the dialog between Acxa and Cosmo, looks over his shoulder at the two of them. “I think he likes you. I always knew that wolf had good taste.”

---------------

Finally clear of the minefield, Keith puts Black on autopilot. “It’s going to take about a varga for us to get there. The power in the lions is low, or we’d be there by now.”

“It’s ok. I doubt those pirates are coming after us. You badly crippled them by blowing up that cargo hold.”

Keith notices something about her. “Your uniform. I didn’t notice it in all the excitement. That’s a Voltron Coalition uniform.”

“It is. I was part of Matt Holt’s rebel cell for two decaphoebs. I joined them after I split away from Zethrid and Ezor.

“Wow…so, you fought against the Galra Empire? With Matt Holt of all people?”

“Yes. We fought together for almost two decaphoebs. It was not an easy life. We were constantly on the run. At the end it was almost as if we were being hunted. As if somehow the Galra military and the factions knew where to find us.”

“Interesting. How did you wind up with Matt Holt? I seem to recall the first time you two met he wanted to throttle you for kidnapping his father.”1

“After I left Zethrid and Ezor, I put feelers out that I was interested in joining the Coalition. After a few phoebs with no response, Matt suddenly showed up. He did not trust me at first. I had to prove myself on my first mission. I guess I did that. He let me stay on.”

“So, I hate to bring up bad memories, but why did you leave Zethrid and Ezor?”

Acxa stares at the floor, silent for more than a few ticks. “I had my reasons.”

Before she can go any further into her explanation, they come upon a dense asteroid field. She perks up and stands behind Keith to get a good head-on view of the navigational screen.

“We’re close to my base. Pull up the star chart and I’ll guide you in.”

The Lions approach the ruined base on Androse. The buildings have the look of being abandoned for decaphoebs. Several of them have collapsed from neglect or the impact of meteors.

“At one time this was a forward listening post for the Empire. When they conquered this sector, they didn’t need it anymore and they abandoned it.”

She points to a flat plain at the foot of the hill on which the base rests. “Set down over there.”

---------------

Acxa greets the Paladins and the rest of Keith’s entourage once they are safely on the ground. Everyone seems standoffish, which is what she expected. Trust is something that take time to develop. Still, she cannot help but notice the critical in not outwardly hostile eye Keith’s mother uses to look her over. Acxa wonders if it will ever be possible to win Krolia’s trust.

Keith notices Krolia’s hard stares at Acxa and he cannot help but see that Acxa is bothered by it. He approaches her and whispers in her ear. “Don’t let Krolia’s stare get to you. She’ll come around.”

After showing the Paladins around the area Acxa turns to Keith, the one person in the whole group she knows trusts her. “It gets cold here on Androse at night. I have some firewood we can use to start a fire. We’ll need to gather more to make one big enough to keep all of us warm.”

“I can help with that. I just need to check the Lions first. Just tell me where it is, and I’ll bring it when I come back.” Getting directions to the firewood source, Hunk excuses himself to check on the Lions.

Keith gently takes her arm and looks her in the eye. “You’ve done so much for us today. Take a break. I’ll start the fire; Hunk and the others will bring the wood in to keep it going.”

Acxa gives Keith a shy smile. “Thank you.

---------------

“That sounds cool, Dad. So, what did you guys talk about at the campfire on Androse?”

Before Keith can answer, a notification pops up on the star chart. “We’re getting close to Braylar IV. About a varga out.” He looks to Acxa and smiles, then he turns to his daughters. “The story about what your mother and I talked about during and immediately after that campfire is one we’re happy to share, but on another day. It’s too long to tell with the time we have left in this trip.”

“Ok, I guess we can cut you some slack this time. But you’re not getting out of it. No way! Deal?”

Seeing the mischievous look in Mireya’s eyes, Keith can only chuckle. “Deal.”

Acxa studies the star chart carefully as Keith makes his approach to Braylar IV. “I wonder what Ashira and Soran have been up to all these years. And Cosmo. I wonder what Mr. Sassypants has been up to since he left to go home to rejoin the Sonai. Well, I guess we’re about to find out. Everyone, get ready to strap in. It’s time to pay a visit to some old family friends.”

1. Rise of the Black Paladin, Chapter 4, Blood Duel

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

Matchup for @nad-zeta! (Milestone Celebration)

Zeta, my sweet sweet Zeta, here’s your matchup! You have been such an angel, both in your patience and your general loveliness.💛 I’m sorry it took a little longer than expected, but I hope it was worth the wait! It’s pretty long (~3000 words lolllll) so it’s all under the cut. Sorry, I got carried away! :’) xx

So, without further ado, based on the information you gave me I matched you with...

Saeyoung!

take care of my bby pls

I feel like I need to say that I kept going back and forth between him and Zen. Zen was a VERY close second, so I kinda half match you up with him too. That being said, there were some things you mentioned that made me lean more towards Saeyoung, which will be explained below :))

~

Reasoning & General Headcanons!

“🥰 i am a aries, infp, ravenclaw female 🦊”

An Aries you say...?

Need I say more? Absolute chaotic duo. The energy is buzzing, and the people you hang out are always amused by your shenanigans.

As an INFP, you are caring, loyal, and sensitive, which are traits that I believe Saeyoung would benefit from in a partner. He also hides his true emotions well, so someone with your personality type would be able to pick up on the signs that he is feeling low, even if he tries to hide it. Your loyalty and devotion also helps him feel secure, which considering everything he’s been through, is something I feel he would struggle with, particularly in the early stages of a relationship.

On the flip side, Saeyoung is also incredibly loyal. And whilst he does joke around and tease, he knows how sensitive topics and comments can affect someone, so he is never careless, especially since (as an INFP) you often take things to heart. As a team, you work well together because you view the world slightly differently. You’re an idealist, whereas he’s a realist; you focus on the big picture, whereas he has an incredible attention to detail. This is really helpful in difficult conversations, big decisions, plans for the future etc, because whilst your opinions may differ, you offer the other a different side of the story. You get the best of both worlds!

I don’t know my Harry Potter houses very well, but from my memory and a quick Google search, Ravenclaws value knowledge and are wise, intelligent and witty. Sounds familiar? ;) i mean wise is debatable lol. Your conversations are sooo interesting and natural, because you’re both very intelligent in many ways.

“i am pretty shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating.”

Okay, this was one of the key things that made me match you with Saeyoung. A huge reason why I love Saeyoung so much is that there is a high level of comfort in a relationship with him. By that I mean that he is so open and fun that there is literally zero judgment. Judgment is such a foreign concept to him in this kind of situation. He makes you so comfortable that it’s so easy to be yourself around him, and it doesn’t take long for him to get to know you.

GIRL HE’S THE SAME. The king of bottling up his emotions. This means that y’all know when something is up, you can see the signs. You are understanding of each other, so discussions happen and actions are put into place before things become too much.

Saeyoung sometimes just needs to be told when he’s being a lil prick. You are kind and gentle when he needs it, but also can be blunt with him when it gets silly. I mean, if MC was like you towards the end of his route, we would have got through the whole “i’M tOo dAnGeRoUs gEt aWaY” thing SO much more quickly.

Once you’re comfy with him, you become an absolutely unstoppable force. When he teases you, you tease him back. When he’s being playful, you’re his partner in crime. Y’all are so goofy. Your life is full of laughs and joy with Saeyoung.

Sarcastic comments, dark humour and self-deprecating jokes? Yep that’s also very Saeyoung. Sometimes you two have to reel it in a bit when you’re hanging out with others because YOU’RE OUT OF CONTROL TOGETHER.

“I love my friends and family and will fight anyone who threatens them, although when it comes to me, you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly can't stand up for myself).”

IT’S LIKE HE’S LOOKING IN A MIRROR. Seriously though, he knows the importance of self worth because he knows, firsthand, the damage that can be done when you don’t value yourself and your wellbeing. He makes it his mission to help you see how worthy you are of respect and give you confidence to stand up for yourself. Even if you won’t do it for yourself, he’ll stand up for you. He cares too much about his loved ones to let them be treated wrongly.

He feels how much you love him and your other friends/family which makes him feel so secure, and he also has a phenomenal amount of love in his heart to give and he ain’t afraid to do so.

“I swear like a sailor although I am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.”

Finds your road rage and swearing SO amusing. Constantly teasing you about it and winding you up, but it’s all in good fun.

Absolutely has a swear jar for you. No doubt about it.

“You’ve corrupted my good, Catholic ears.” “Saeyoung shut the fuck up.”

“I love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life”

I mean, we know he adores cats, and I imagine he loves other animals too.

I also imagine he loves camping, and I don’t even know why. He just gives me camping vibes. Weekends away spent in nature, sleeping in a tent and sitting round a fire in the evenings are pretty common for you.

I know this is ~controversial~ topic in the fandom, but I am of the opinion that Saeyoung also works out.

Do I think he’s completely ripped? No, probably not. But he’s strong, lean at the very least. Even Jaehee admits it! He makes working out so much fun and it’s always a bit of a laugh.

“i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery”

The first time he tasted your food, he almost cried. Poor boi lived off eating crisps and soda for God knows how long.

“Wait, you’re not meant to constantly feel like you're gonna throw up? Food is meant to have...flavour???”

Help him

Saeyoung is pretty social, but also needs time to recharge like you, though he can go a bit longer than you and doesn’t easily get drained by social interactions. This may seem like a problem when you spend time with friends, but it’s actually such a blessing. If you’re feeling exhausted when socialising, he knows and will “take the wheel” if you will. There’s nothing worse than trying to keep a conversation going or seeming upbeat when you literally don’t have the energy, so Saeyoung is there to help you out. He’s also super good at politely and subtly taking you out of those situations if you are super drained and need to recharge.

He’s also such a gossip so if you got tea to spill he’s ready to hear it, and you know he ALWAYS has tea to spill. Sneaky man

“i like conspiracies, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), rom coms, and  sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato.”

Discussions about conspiracies over dinner lol. He is in possession of some...top secret information, so those conversations are very interesting and eye opening ;)

He LOVES to read your writing. It literally doesn’t matter what it’s about, he finds it truly fascinating. It’s a little glimpse into who you are, and it’s something you created!!! By yourself!!!! HE LOVES THAT. Always impressed with what you write, every time. He’s so proud.

ROM COMS WHILST CUDDLING ON THE COUCH

He’s a cryer, he loves rom coms.

He works super hard, so he’s always down to have a lazy day with you!!

“I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken time and tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein)”

He. loves. Making. You. blush. I’m sorry, but it’s one of his favourite things. He thinks it’s so adorable, so prepare for all the teasing, lewd jokes and general flirtiness that’ll get your cheeks burning ;)

He’s not keen on crowds either, so that’s not a problem!! I imagine he occasionally goes on night’s out with the bois (and by bois I mean usually just Zen and Yoosung LOL) but he’s not often out until super late, and he’s super respectful of you. Would never ask you to do something or go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable.

“i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure.   I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).”

CUDDLE MONSTER. I actually think he’s the biggest cuddler in the RFA. Controversial I know, but damn Saeyoung loves a cuddle. He’s a spontaneous cuddler. Like it doesn’t matter what the situation is, if you need a cuddle or he just fancies one, he’ll find a way.

He sees right through your calmness and confidence, because he’s exactly the same. This puts him in the perfect position to reassure you and lift you up. He’s a great hype man!

He finds your awkwardness adorable, and your sarcastic comments just make him love you even more! He has a good sense of humour and doesn’t take things too seriously if they don’t need to be, so he’s constantly laughing with you and easing your mind in the very early stages of your relationship.

“I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.”

Based on what happens on his route, it’s very handy that you are a forgiving person hahah

But again, if Saeyoung thinks you are being treated wrongly and being hurt, he will stand up for you.

His dedication to protecting the ones he loves is STRONG. I mean, look at his relationship with Saeran and the way he is constantly looking out for you in ALL routes.

Of course, he won’t say or do anything to that person if that makes you uncomfortable. Instead, he will constantly reassure you of your self-worth and remind you that you deserve better, but will also support the decisions you make.

If you want to forgive and forget, he will respect that, even if he thinks differently.

“What am i looking for in a potential partner?.... well i definitely think i need someone that could bring me out my shell initially, also someone who isn't too sensitive cause like i said i can be super sarcastic and my jokes kinda match that (like in my family we show out affection for each other via playful insults and savage comments)😂😂”

As I stated above, I think Saeyoung is the best person to help bring you out of your shell. There’s no judgment and no shame with this man.

I find that someone being unapologetically themself is SO contagious, and Saeyoung is exactly that - unapologetically himself.

We’ve all seen his humour, he doesn’t seem to be particularly sensitive either so you’re all good there hahaha. Obviously everyone does have their limits, so whilst their are topics/jokes that would probably make him uncomfortable (e.g. stuff relating to Saeran), overall, he’s chill and ALWAYS ready to joke around with you.

The roast battle is so real with you two LOL

“i kinda want someone stable, hard working, decisive, ambitious and who can push me out of my confort zone and vice versa.🦋”

He goofs around, but there’s no denying that this man works HARD.

Once he leaves the agency and starts his new life with you, I can imagine him being super ambitious and also aiming for stability.

His life before had been so restrictive yet so uncertain. He had to do what he was told, but never knew what was just around the corner.

This makes me think that he would crave the stability and certainty that he never had (a ‘normal’ life, if you will), but also he’d want to try so many things that he hadn’t before. He strikes me as a ‘go big or go home’ kinda guy, so I think it’s safe to say that he would be ambitious in many ways.

The only thing I don’t think he ticks the box on is decisiveness, at least not at the beginning. I think he usually knows what he wants, but rarely acts on that.

“It’s up to you”, “whatever you want” and “I don’t mind” are very common phrases for him lol. I think he would learn to be more decisive once he gets comfortable. I also think he has his moments of assertiveness though, when he’s in the right mood.

“Also someone who is family oriented and loving (someone that can cuddle me when im having a bad day)☺ and someone who can make me laugh, cause i love joking around so i kinda think i need someone who could match that🌻”

SAEYOUNG. IS. SUCH. A. FAMILY. MAN.

Again, look at what he’s done for Saeran and how deeply he cares for and loves him. A ‘normal’ family was something that was absent in his life, so when he has his own family (whether that be a found family or one he made) he would cherish that so strongly, maybe more than most.

SAEYOUNG. IS. A. CUDDLE. MONSTER.

He could be working at his desk and suddenly think “you know what? It’s snuggle time” and then he would search the house for you to give you The Snuggle™

Again, he’s also VERY observant and his attention to detail is impeccable, so he can instantly tell if you’re having a bad day and will act accordingly - aka SNUGGLE TIME

I mean, need I say more? If you want someone who makes you laugh, Saeyoung is the guy. There is never a dull day when he’s around, and the house is always filled with laughter!

So yeah....that’s my reasoning :’)) now onto your very own drabble!! This is all yours, so if there’s anything you’d like me to change or add, PLEASE let me know!! I’m more than happy to edit anything to make it more personalised for you, just shoot me a message and I’ll be on it, same goes for anything I’ve said above!!🥰

~

Drabble!

“Saeyoung! Can you come here a second?”

You called out to him from the kitchen, stirring from a pot whilst its contents quietly bubbled away. You could hear the music blaring from his headphones all the way from the other room, with the occasional hum or drum on his desk. Evidently, he hadn’t heard you.

“SAEYOUNG CHOI GET YOUR FINE ASS IN HERE.”

The music ceased, followed by rapid pattering as he darted into the room, nearly skidding round the doorway. 

“I heard ‘fine ass’ and here I am,” he smirked, sauntering over to you and snaking his strong, secure arms around your middle. He swayed you from side to side, planting a wet kiss on your cheek, much to your dismay. Saeyoung merely chuckled, resting his chin on your shoulder, “What do you need, witch lady?”

“Why ‘witch lady’?”

“Well, whatever you’re cooking is giving me witchy vibes. It looks like a potion in a cauldron. Look at you with your double double toil and trouble-OW! Don’t pinch me!”

“Sorry, it’s a witch thing,” you winked, spinning around in his grip so you were face-to-face. “You sure you’re not the witch? You do have the nose for it.”

“I’ve also got the dress and hat in the attic, shall I go put it on?”

“Try this for me first.” You held the wooden spoon out to him as he took a sip, chuckling at the way his brows furrowed in thought.

He smacked his lips a few times, hummed then finally looked back to you, “It’s good.”

“That’s it? That’s all you got?”

“You do realise that my taste buds have essentially been burned off by chips and soda, right? I have no idea if something’s bad or not.”

“You’re right. I should call Jumin.”

“You can’t,” he informed, his smirk growing ever wider as he moved towards the snack cupboard, “Mr Han has a date tonight.”

The spoon clattered against the counter, your mouth agape, “You’re shitting me.”

“That’s another coin in the swear jar.” Saeyoung chucked a packet of candy in your direction, though it only hit you in the face before falling unceremoniously onto the kitchen floor, “I think we need to get your reflexes checked, babe.”

“Tell me everything.”

He took a seat on a breakfast stool and chortled as you leaned over the counter, eyes showing your eagerness to hear the gossip. And he was more than happy to provide, “He appears to be really into her. Like, really into her. She seems to just get him, you know? I could hear his smile down the phone when he told me about her earlier.”

“Earlier? Why are you only just telling me this now?!”

“Do you wanna hear the rest of it or not?”

Huffing, you perched on the seat next to him, stealing a piece of his candy despite his look of horror, “Okay, well where did he meet such a woman?”

“You’re never gonna believe it.”

“Try me.”

Saeyoung was enjoying himself far too much. He couldn’t wait another moment to witness your reaction, “She’s Zen’s co-star.”

“NO.”

“YES.”

The tea had been spilt, and things were about to get very interesting within the RFA.

Your eyes were glued to his as he continued to disclose the details. At some point you had wrapped your arm around his, his other hand encompassing yours. He abruptly stopped halfway through describing the first encounter, causing you to quirk an eyebrow impatiently, “What?”

“Do you smell burning?”

“...Fuck.”

“And another one for the swear jar.”

~

@nad-zeta​ there we go my love, I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! I am so grateful for your support, it never fails to make me smile when I see you pop up in my notifs. You are beautiful, kind, bright person and you deserve the world. Thank you again for all you’ve done and all you do💛💛 Take care of yourself, my friend! xxx

(Note for other readers: I usually don’t do matchups, this was for a special occasion! I doubt I’ll open up requests for them later on, but never say never!)

[nad-zeta]

Match up! (◠‿◠✿)

hiya!! can i pls get a matchup for ikesen, if its ok? 💞

bi girl i prefer guys! ambiverted intp, gryffindor, n true neutral. i have an older twin sis n i love/hate her sm lmao!!

i have medium-length straight-ish black hair (w/ a side bang to the right) & dark brown eyes!! im 5'5-ish, fun fact: im a filipina!

sooo im a complex daydreamer!! i NEED attention/affirmation or ill feel unwanted/sad. emotional scorpio, im quite sensitive. anxiety, i overthink too much! quiet w/ people im not close w/. easily annoyed but guilty after ‘cause im soft-hearted. im like half funny/playful/kind & half deep/mature/awkward- hopeless romantic! i have a way w/ words, sorta poetic? i wanna be the best! sorta socially anxious, i have a fear of judgement. im not innocent but ppl think i am at first. i look fine but deep down im a big mess. rlly smart & knowledgable. vv passionate, big nerd actually! im like a kid w/ my twin but w/ others im more mature. im the type to do fun stuff and loosen up but would also just cuddle and have long convos. im vv good w/ technology! very imaginative, i come up with stories a lot- around others im very quiet because i literally have no idea what to say. actually a big history fanatic, hehe. i act confident but im not rlly, actually vv insecure and i regret a lot of things.

a habit of mine is that i tend to drift away and just… think? i also tend to care a lot abt my appearance! i get competative but there are also times when im just chill. i get vv embarrassed when i lose control tho n i regret it sm :(( i have loads of trouble asking for help even if i like to help others a lot! i like being organised but i tend to be… chaotic.

hsjsh- fun fact: there are times where im just,, super hyper n say the weirdest things? im good in school but,, im lazy yknow- i love math (surprisingly, i got a natural talent?), science (esp abt stars n space), history, and english (actually my 2nd languange but im very fluent) the most. bilingual but im also learnin french! wanna learn latin too tho but id break down- i have the fear of the unknown, failure, n loneliness! im scared of the future cause its beyond human ability to know,, the only guys ive rlly talked to r family members so my awkwardness goes 100x hsjsjs

oh, i rlly love affection, but i need a lot of space too, tho! girls gotta have privacy- games r a hUge part of my life, so is technology and the modern era! i actually like sports too- not very good at em tho :((

some likes: gaming, jokes (esp corny/stupid/puns), space, stars, weapons (esp swords/guns), philosophy, psychology, testing myself, affection, animals, doing exhilirating things, music, movies, books, writing, astrology, astronomy, learning new things, & mythology.

some dislikes: too much heat, school presentations, creepy dolls, being under pressure, dirty things, blind faith, & annoying people.

tysm! omg i hope this isnt too long- i think this is too long?? yIkes i hope that this is ok!! love ur writing btw! stay safe 💞

Hi hi love! thank you so much for the request! You sound like a wonderful person and omw it soooo cool that you have a twin! I actually think she sent in a request right after you did lol! Anyways sorry for making you wait sooooo long and i hope you enjoy it! @x-joie-x

 So i match you with...................... Mitsuhide

The first time you meet this sneki boy, you were quiet and reserved. War council had just ended and you were named as a princess of the Oda forces. You were super socially awkward, and anxiety was slowly starting to creep in, as the curious warlords started to surround you. It wasn’t until Mitsuhide had pulled you away in a teasing manner to save you from the crowd that you finally started to calm down. He had noticed this new little mouse had been on edge since arriving. However, he didn’t suspect you of being an assassin or spy as, during the whole council, your hands shook, and you could barely speak up against Nobunaga’s demanding and commanding tones. 

Mitsuhide had found you incredibly amusing from the first moment you walked in, you caught this foxes eye. He didn’t know if it was the innocence or naïve purity that just seemed to radiate from you, but for some reason when he was looking at you, he found that he simply couldn’t look away.

It took all of one day for all the warlords to officially drop all suspicions of you. You were just such a sweetheart how could they not instantly love you and feel the need to protect you. You had started helping a few of the maids that first morning after you were named princess. You didn’t want to be a freeloader, so you worked hard to earn your keep and soon, the maids were fighting over who would get to work with you cause all of then just loved and adored you so much. 

You got annoyed with Hideyoshi when he first found you helping the maids, as he was 100% started micromanaging you. You lost you cool and raised your voice at him, TBH Hideyoshi didn’t think anything of it, but it wasn’t until you had pitched up at his manor an hour later to apologize for being so rude to him that he realized what a sweet and sensitive person you truly were. Of course from that moment onward you had gained yourself a big doting brother.

All the Oda forces agreed that you were too sweet and naïve for your own good, so Mitsuhude was assigned to give you princess lesson to prepare you for your new life as Oda princess. You were super excited when Mitsuhide had told you that he was going to teach you a variety topics such as economics, politics, history and self-defence. You even managed to impress the sneki boy, by getting all the questions correct on the first test he had handed you. You had found that first test incredibly easy as you were a bit of a history buff, and all the questions had been based on Nobunaga’s history. This low key shook the sliver kitsune a little bit, as this proved that not only were you pure and naive but you were also super smart. You kind of reminded him a little bit of Mitsunari, a cleaver professor with their head in the clouds. 

Mitushide praised you for your ability to pick up on concepts quickly and work diligently as a student, “I dare say little one, you are the best student a teacher could ask for.” You spend masses amount of time with sneki boi, and through that time you realized just how sweet Mitsuhide truly was, although he was a massive tease leaving you a blushy mess almost every day after lessons with his teasing comments. And naturally, the more time Mitsuhide had spent with you, the more in love he fell. It was also noted by the fellow warlords that, Mitsuhide always wore a soft gentle expression when it came to you, and in your experience he had been a kind gentle patient teacher. SO naturally you found yourself more and more drawn to this mysterious man.

Through all the time spent with the kitsune, you found yourself opening up more and more. He was one of the few people that got to see your playful side. You now would make the puniest, corniest jokes he has ever heard, leaving this kitsune in a fit of laughter mid-way through a lecture. Not only that, but he loved loved loved your competitiveness side. 

This side of you slowly started to surface after the 3rd or 4th self-defence lesson when you started challenging the kitsune to rematches whenever he would pin you down, ultimately beating you in your little makeshift sword fight. Boy oh boy, don’t even get me started on the shooting lessons, once you were able to fire the rifle, you were straight-up challenging this boy, the best marksmen around to a shoot-off. “Come on Mitsuhide, the first one to get 100 bulls-eyes in a row wins, and the loser has to buy tea.” Needless to say, you always lost and even though every day you would make that exact bet, Mitsuhide would always insist on sticking you for tea and lunch as reward for being such a good student. 

He really enjoyed spending time with you and would absolutely insist on holding your hands whenever the two of you were on your way to the tea house together after your lessons. “I can’t have my clumsy little mouse tripping and falling now can I.” Every day without fail, he would say that to you as he wraps his big hand around your small one, while leading you to your favourite tea house.

The two of you would talk about everything and anything over tea, these topics ranged from you making stupid jokes, to talking about random topics such as philosophy and psychology. Either way, Mitsuhide loved to spend time with you. He would always listen to and hang on to every word you said, storing every word in his memory. 

You were his precious little mouse, and he knew you were an extremely sensitive creature. If anyone dared say a single bad word to you or make you sad, they would face the wrath of this very protective kitsune. Like one time, one of the visiting daimyos had talked down to you for accidentally bumped into him. You were busy cleaning the windows when you accidentally lost your balance and bumped into him. He was so disgusted that a mere maid had touched him. He started yelling at you and insulting you, this escalated to such a point that he even had his hand raised ready to hit you for getting dirty window water on his shoes. That’s when sneki boi decided to intervene. Mitsuhide legit stood protectively in front of you with his rifle pointed at the man’s heart, with the full intention to shoot. “Golly me it appears like you are quite the troublesome little mouse, my dear.” He then turned his sharp gaze towards the daimyo “I do suggest you apologize to the Oda princess, lest you want to answer for your crimes directly to Nobunaga.” The man simply scoffed and walked away. Mitsuhide then turned to you and enveloped you in a warm hug while kissing the top of your head, “Are you alright, my dear little mouse?” Mitsuhide looked into your beautiful eyes and gently took your hands in his, “Come little one, I have something I wish to show you.”

The two of you walked hand in hand to Mitsuhide’s manor, Mitsuhide led you out into his garden, where you saw something so beautiful you could cry. The garden was filled with flowers and candles and in the centre was a table set up, with a feast laid out op top of it. 

Mitsihide had told you that night that he was hopelessly in love with you. He was overjoyed when he had discovered that you like him, was also a hopeless romantic and that you had an incredibly poetic, romantic way with words. You handed him a letter in which you had expressed your feelings for him in the form of a beautifully written poem. You were actually intending to leave the poem on his desk as a way of confessing your feelings. This instantly melted sneki bois heart into a giant puddle and he couldn’t help but pull you in for a sweet kiss. 

After diner Mitsuhide had led you deeper into the garden where a fluffy blankie was sprawled out on the grass, he guided you to sit down and the motioned for you to lookup. Above you, a thousand stares were shooting across the sky in a big meteor shower. Mitsuhide pulled you into his arms and kissed your cheeks as the two of you watched the sky. He always remembered every detail you had told him about yourself, so when you revealed that you loved the sky and the stars, he knew he had to incorporate this rare meteor shower in your date somehow. 

This had sparked a new tradition between the two of you, to stargaze and spend the whole night in deep conversation. These nights were full of love and affection as Mitsuhide would pull you into his lap and just hold you there for hours and hours as the two of you talked and watched the sky

Of course sneki boi also had a bit of a spontaneous side, and would take you on exhilarating trips around Nobunaga’s territories. They were mostly missions but after you had nagged Nobunaga to give you permission to go along on the missions, you and Mitsuhide would finish the official work asap so that the two of you cuties had plenty of time to enjoy yourself in the new environment.

Mitsuhide loves everything about you from your slight messiness, to your love of learning new things. He also knows that his sweet little mouse sometimes needs some space and alone time and will be sure to give you as much alone time as you need to recharge. He knows that you will seek him out when you have had enough of your own company. He will always welcome you back with outstretched arms when you have had enough alone time, and shower you with endless amounts of affection.

Whenever you are feeling insecure or worrying about the future Mitsuhide is right there by your side, whispering words of affection and reassurance in your ears. He makes sure to remind you every day just how perfect you are and just how much he loves you. 

Often you can be found in sneki boys lap with your head resting comfortably in the crook of his neck as he soothingly strokes your hair. Don’t be surprised if this sneaky kitsune drops a few kissed on your nose, cheeks or lips during these quiet and peaceful moments, just as a way to convey how much he loves and adores you.

Other potential matches……………..Masamune 

I hope you enjoyed it dear and i hope you have the best day! 

[sleepymouses]

tagged by @littlepetbee, thank uuuu <3 i spent way too long thinking about htis lol,

Rules: pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions, tag a bunch o ppls to do it too (if y’all want to, supes no pressure or anything!)

Natsume yuujinchou  (a teenage orphan who sees spirits/monsters sets out to free the spirits who were bound in magical contract by his grandmother after he inherits a powerful book, aided primarily by a spirit who appears as an exasperated fat cat (who is just as fun as he sounds). Titular character is like my Fave boy in the whole world, he’s so kind and soft despite all the hardships he’s faced, the series has very gentle pacing/character development, and each episode is a carefully crafted lil story that have often moved me to tears, chuckles, or outright chinhands of fondness as u watch natsume slowly find a home in the world and amongst the humans &spirits around him. big focus on friendships, there’s like no romance with any of the main characters, lots of cool different creatures (most of whom arent all that scary once u get to know them), its just literally everything i could ever dream for in a show and it exists! <3)

Leverage (team of modern day robin hoods ruin rich peoples’ lives via  delightfully crafted spy cons to give back to the regular folks the rich people hurt. Extremely good, strong found family vibes, and v cathartic)

Brooklyn 99 (follows diverse cast of character who make up a NY precinct. Hilarious, immensely wholesome & groundbreaking, & probs the most lighthearted crime show besides like psych tbh)

Blackspot/Zone Blanche (spoopy french/belgium crime series set in a small village way out in the mountains surrounded by misty, mysterious and murdery woods. eerie and atmospheric, but also like one of my fave characters (everyone calls him teddy bear) keeps a pet guinea pig at work, so it’s not entirely grim and bleak)

Longmire (a modern western crime drama centering around the titular sheriff and others in their small town wyoming county, well written and lot of chracter development revealed alongside some really good case mysteries bc i love trying to figure out whodunits apparently based on a book series well adored by dads btw)

who is your favorite character in 2? (leverage) ahhh,,, this is hard... Eliot maybe? like Hardison is baby ofc, but i relate to elliot a ton (i think if i was on a team i would want to be the hitter tbh?) and love the subversion of so many action hero tropes that he is, also endlessly amused by how very put upon he is despite all his rad/random skills

who is your least favorite character in 1? (natsume yuujinchou) oh seiji matoba for sure, he can go eat a mouldy tree stump. absolutely evil nasty dude

what is your favorite episode of 4? (blackspot) the end of the road. great opening, didnt end up too devastating unlike a lot of the cases, Hermann was gr8, cool twist i hadnt super expected in the plot which was neat.

what is your favorite season of 5? (longmire) probs 1, walter reeally started to piss me off being Such A Man in later seasons, also me being extremely anxious about Henry and his life choices later, that creepy stalker storyline starting up with Someone and when Someone else in the main cast got died really suddenly and upsettingly later on as well, also when a weird relationship started between some of the characters that i really aint feeling so. before all that happened was nice (also sorry if this is super vague, im trying to avoid spoilers)

who is your favorite couple in 3? (B99) Besides Jake/Amy and Holt/Kevin (bc oviously theyre gr8) uh.. i know it was a long time ago and didnt last very long, but i thought rosa and marcus were really sweet? it brought another layer out to her character, even when they broke up that helped rosa starting to show emotional vulnerability and all, even tho it ended it was still just, idk, i liked them.

who is your favorite couple in 2? (leverage) Does trio count, cos Parker/Eliot/Harding 4 life yo

what is your favorite episode of 1? (natsume yujinchou) i have sooo many faves ahhh!!! i dont think i could pick just one on pain of death, every episode is acrefully cosntructed gem all on its own and i have too many that i love and adore to pick jsut one :((

what is your favorite episode of 5? (longmire) Dog soldier!! ive rewatched that one a ton, so so many good bits, really satisfying resolution of the case despite the shitty system that was revealed, and i rmr getting chills by the end the first time i saw it.

what is your favorite season of 2? (leverage) i guess season 1? just, idk, everything being set up and watching all these grumpies/less grumpies who have no plans to stay together start working together as a baby team, and just the joy of seeing their first heist together with the first plot twist, just.. such a delight, but all seasons that ive seen so far were all excellent, it’s a stellar show

how long have you watched 1? (natsume yujinchou) oh idk exactly, like years and years man... defs the longest out of all on this list

how did you become interested in 3? (b99) i think it was just on netflix way back in season 1 and i started watching it, loved it and never stopped? i think that might have even been before it got rlly popular lol

who is your favorite actor in 4? (blackspot) i dont rlly know any of these french peeps? but teddybear’s one of my fave characters, so hopefully the person who plays him is also cool, in which case hubert delattre (if not, Suliane Brahim does a v good job as the lead)

which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5? (natsume yujinchou, leverage or longmire) um... real torn between natsume and leverage here, they’re both such lovely gems that do found family so, so well.. leverage is a team of modern robin hood-esque spies with brilliant writing and exciting heists and multiple delightful plot twists every episode and great character building and so much catharticism in ruining evil rich peoples lives.

but natsume’s title character is one of my very favorite characters ever, hes been through so much but he becomes the most kindest and thoughtful boy ever, and its so, so soft and gentle in its development of characters and their slow build of getting to know each other and becoming friends, and the interactions with the paranormal world are very rarely entirely malicious/scary, and there’s pretty well no romance, at least like no romance for plot/with the main characters anyways, and there’s lots of female characters who have important roles but arent sexualized/killed off for man feels/exist for romo (which sadly cannot be said about a lot of media, especially manga/anime tbh, even leverage does not win entirely on that front).. its defintiely my favorite anime ever (i dont watch loads, but literally no other one can ever come close to topping its perfection),

i guess tho, leverage is over, and natsume is still technically ongoing, so i guess for that then i have to go with natsume?

which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? (natsume yuujinchou or b99) Natsume for sure, they’re so short its easy to power thru like half a season in an afternoon

if you could be anyone from 4, who would you be? (blackspot) i would probably want to be someone who didnt live in villefranche actually haha uh, it’s a pretty spoopity place.. even some of the characters i do like make some Bad decisions that are v bothersome. Dr. Leila barami seems to have a good head on her shoulders tho, so if i Must be a character here then let’s go with her

would a crossover between 3 and 4 work? (b99 or blackspot) oh god... the cheery upbeat department at the 99 meet up with a grim, misty tiny mountain forest village with bleak day to day life, solving crimes amidst small town paranoia and weird maybe cult-related conspiracies and honestbhly something/s paranormal and menacing going on in the woods?? i just... cant see any of the characters even interacting lol, im just picturing jake’s confused befuddled face when he hears something weird but like x 10000

pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple? (natsume yujinchou) hm... i mean, one of the things i love about Natsume is that there arent really any romo relationships tbh? at least not with any of the main characters in the main storyline (so far), just like the odd one-off of minor characters (and takashi’s adopted parents ofc, but that’s different). so, yeah, i cant really think of one (although i think the big fandom fave ship of takashi and his worst enemy is rlly.. nope, and i dont know what’s going on there? takashi and tanama however, that would make sense, tho it is not unlikely so i cant answer this question with them)

overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5? (b99 or longmire) b99! cos ya know my annoyances with some of the stuff happening later on in longmire lol, b99 just got better n better as it went along, and it’s still going :’)

which has the better theme music, 2 or 4? (leverage or blackspot) blackspot has a real good eerie atmospheric theme which is gr8 and i love it <3 (leverage’s tune is like, elevator music/cheesy jazzy spy tune, which does suit it tho lol)

and idk, anyone bored and stuck at home who wants to do this? no pressure if ur like nah but if u wanna go ahead.... @creepy-friend-of-darkness @anna-wa @rhinky-thingz @rexbasileus @aeolian-harp @warrenkoles @softbrobarnes @damnitttana @cluelesswolf @moondoggiestyle @blloodorangeisthenewblack @my-nail-beds-suck @frankiecolours @savvylikeyeahhh @lake-effectkidx @justhugharry @casualmisandry @j4ya @galaxygalpals @thesecondwarm @dealwright @knipperdollin @curlycombover @kaspbrakeddie (and if i didnt tag u and u still wanna do this, consider yeself tagged)

[brunhiddensmusings]

year in review of parenting

thought i would try and record a few prime interactions ive had with my kids so i remember them as my 3 daughters are just so out there - daughter says shes interested in becoming an animator so i have to line up a list of animations on youtube i know were made by one person, including ‘no evil’ by betsy lee, dingo doodles sips and the karaoke of doom, ‘witches on tinder’, and piemations as examples of the kind of thing one person can reasonably do with a lot of dedication and if you pay close attention you can see how each of the animations are done differently - explaining what skaa was, twice - spending  time at gamestop just discussion how some funko pops make sense and some are super dumb. makes sense funko pop would be one of the main characters of a movie thats well loved, dumb ones would be the same but for a movie literally nobody likes but funko pops were released before the movie was so they will never sell, or having 40+ differnt versions of rick and another 50 of morty. even having 15+ different batmans doesnt make sense because given the choice do you want orange batman or classic batman? - no i cannot go to your school to beat up the kid who was mean to you. i mean technically im physically able to but thats not the point - explaining what the music style ‘scat’ is and why its unrelated to the same word used to mean ‘wild animal poop’ - i dont know how to explain to you who freddie mercury is because were in a car and i cant show you a youtube of bohemian rhapsody while im driving - explaining why i am irritated at the kid friendly versions of classic horror monsters, they dont get it so i have to go into detail a- is the wolfman scary? like just a dude thats hairy? no. no he is not. however imagine that someone you know, and you dont know who, may at some point in time turn into a ravenous monster who will attack their friends ruthlessly, its already happened at least once so everyone is on edge wondering who it is. however, secretly it is you that is the monster, living in fear that you could loose control and kill the ones you love most b- the frankenstins monster, just a big green dude with bolts in his neck? scary? no, hes just a larger zombie basically. however imagine someone at college going nutty and then starts to raid the morgue, the cemetery, butcher shops, and surgery wards at hospitals for the human parts he stitches together into a rude parody of a human being and brings it to life. but it doesnt stop there, because he abandoned this new creature that thing now stalks him out of revenge, one by one killing everyone they know - the kids now understand why the majority of the classic monsters are supposed to be scary as balls - explaining COPPA to them because several youtubers we watch together have started loudly announcing ‘not for children’, at which they unprompted start complaining about a youtuber called ‘ryans world’ where a very annoying screaming child tells everyone to buy shit and is repeatedly recommended to them by the algorithm because it knows theyre kids. i should have taken that as a warning so i wasnt surprised at just how much ‘ryans world’ merchandise was in stores this year, like ye gods theres more of it then there was starwars and harry potter merch combined he has his own cereal which is apparently frootloops and disturbing plush animals. we agreed its weird when on his merch theres four different characters but the pink cat girl looks like she was made by someone different then the others because shes got way better detail - explain to kids that ‘green eggs and ham’ was made on a dare, which requires me to recite the whole thing for them to count that there are exactly 50 different words 5 year old- “wheres my sister” me- “in the bathroom, why” 5 year old- “imma hug her” me- “nn.... wow youre - 14 year old in the bathroom- “GAAH!” me- “-fast” - i can do a perfect impression of the ‘huhuhuhuh’ sound sans undertale makes - its been 3 years of me using the phrase ‘sans undertale’ specifically and my daughter who has spent the last 3 years dressing like him and listening to his music hasnt caught on that the way im phrasing it is in fact a joke - kids accidentally stumble uppon a history meme i was part of and i have to explain thats a thing i do - explain to kids what the emu war was - explain to kids who rasputin was - explain to the kids what the problem with hitler was, given the 11 year old is supposed to only get this in the school curriculum this next year i can understand why she was shocked. 14 year old was also shocked becuase she is in the between part of ‘we briefly touched on that war’ and ‘okay now that you are old enough we can explain how shoving people into ovens works’ - they asked, they really did, and only then do i realize that despite it being something everyone should definitely be aware of... figuring out how old and how to explain it really is a tricky matter cause ho-damn most adults get queasy when you explain it and im sure those kids had bad dreams for a week - theyre also aware of the trump concentration camps and were able to draw the connections real quick - pun contest - kid asks me to acquire a daft punk song for her so i can put it on her mp3 player, i have never heard of this song despite her spending 5 minutes describing it and how their eyes are freaky. have to explain to her that when i was about her age daft punk released an entire movie made of music videos. we have to show each other different daft punk videos to understand each other - no, daft punk are the robots, not the blue eye people. literally nobody knows what they look like under the helmets they even show up to music award shows wearing them. the helmets can actually make words and emotes theyre really rad songs we have erupted into together - spooky scary skeletons - narwhals narwhals - another irish drinking song - hubba hubba zoot zoot

[steeltoss]

Pre Naruto — Naruto Headcanons. Ages 9-15.

I have nothing better to do while my phone is dying.

Age 9

We're starting here since I'm working on something already. Okay so the day her whole clan was obliborated and sent straight to Jesus, Hokkaido was taken from Konoha under the Third's order. From there, she went to an orphanage in Amegakure.

The orphanage wasn't too bad, but Hokkaido couldn't help missing Konohagakure. She wanted to leave the orphange and debated running away.

However, she didn't get to run away as a couple who never had children together spotted this lonely dark haired girl and wanted to adopt her. This led to confusion. Someone genuinely wanted to adopt her, a broken child?

They did adopt her. But she was quiet, confused even.

The lady was one of the most beautiful ladies she had ever seen, complete with Auburn hair and deep green eyes and a pallor complexion. Her new mother's name was Emi Suzuki of the Hidden Rain.

The man was strong, and he looked very mean, but he wasn't. Hokkaido just didn't know that yet. He had short, messy Sandy blonde hair and cocoa colored eyes. This was Shindou Suzuki, a very strong Shinobi of the Hidden Rain.

Upon going to her new home, things were very different. This family was patient with her learning and never pushed her too much, they had accepted her as if she really were their own child. But she didn't want to call them mom or dad because she only ever had one mom and one dad.

Hokkaido was given a nice room with a twin sized bed and a desk for schoolwork, Emi enjoyed buying her stuffed animals, her favorite was her stuffed panda that somehow made her think of Shisui. She slept with it every single night.

Entering the academy, she made two friends that she held close to her heart.

Aito Fugikame, a small and dark haired girl with violet eyes who reminded her of Hinata Hyūga from Konoha, maybe that's why she enjoyed her company so much.

Eiji Yamada, a brunette make who seemed a little idiotic but super friendly and was outcasted for being such a loveable idiot. This was in ways, her Naruto of Amegakure.

She began to adjust to her new life, the pain seemingly subsiding as she always came home to a hot meal and was called Yua, (and it literally means binding love and affection) by Emi.

Things were starting to go great, and for once after the massacre, Hokkaido Uchiha was smiling as she came home. But she missed her brother, Sasuke. She wondered how he was doing in Konoha.

Age 10

Having a good birthday, she blew the candles out on her cake before hiding her face in her hands. She was crying but didn't know why. Sure, she was happy, but how long would it last without her only other blood relative?

The trio [Hokkaido, Aito and Eiji] often roamed the village together and practiced their skills together, she finally perfected her Fireball Jutsu.

That's when people began looking at her all weird, she was an outsider, and they knew just how strong the Uchiha clan was.

Aito's mother wouldn't let her visit nor talk to Hokkaido anymore. This was the downfall.

Hokkaido shut herself off, she barely exited her room unless it was to eat or go to school.

Age 11

Emi had conceived her first daughter this year and she seemed rather focused upon the new baby that was due to arrive in July. Hokkaido was conflicted on how to feel, she was once her foster parents primary focus, and it seemed they had less and less time for her now. She never brought it up. She was still grateful she was given a family.

In July, Emi gave birth to a healthy little girl named Ichika. Hokkaido wanted eagerly on the front steps of their house, but was only met with a sullen faced Shindou and a baby in his arms. Emi was no where around.

Later that evening, Shindou had explained that Emi had passed on, and that Hokkaido was now rightfully the woman of the house.

Even though Emi wasn't her biological mother, Hokkaido was broken again. She had lost two mother's in her life. This was the very first time she cried over someone who wasn't related to her in any way.

But Ichika reminded her so much of Emi. She had beautiful Auburn hair and a buttoned nose, just like Emi. And Hokkaido would constantly talk to the growing child about how amazing their mother was.

At the time, she hadn't even realized she reffered to Emi as her own mother. She just knew she missed her more than anything.

Age 12

Celebrating Ichika's first birthday wasn't how she ever imagined it to be. Emi wasn't there to see her daughter grow up, she hadn't even gotten to see Hokkaido graduate from the Academy and become a genin.

Hokkaido was put in a squad with Aito and Eiji, but things were still tense with herself and Aito. Hokkaido never knew how to process her emotions. She used to go to Itachi or Shisui for things like that. But Shisui had died a year before the massacre.

This year also happens to be the year Hokkaido got her menstrual cycle. She went into a panic, thinking she was dying and bleeding out. After all, she really didn't have a grown female figure to turn to about this.

She was embarassed to even tell Shindou, but he was very calming and understanding. He explained she was becoming a woman and even gave her the birds and bees talk. She was disgusted.

Sasuke is now ten, and she wonders how he's doing. She debated on writing him a letter, but out of nervousness, she doesn't.

Age 13

Hokkaido spent a lot of her time doing activities as she was now co sidered am elder sibling by Ichika. Ichika was walking and talking and every day passing, looked more like Emi.

Hokkaido began training for her chunin exams, which, were coming up very shortly. She spent many hours training with her squad a day and had often had to be retrieved by Shindou.

Shindou often scolded her for overworking herself as he forced her to drink plenty of water and eat her greens. He was only looking out for his eldest after all.

Upon the day of the exams, Hokkaido finds out all three of her squad had to sign up. And they had. They are now officially beginning their journey as chunin.

The first exam, she nearly crapped a brick. The written test was hard and she knew nothing. But she still tried her hardest, hearing and seeing others being disqualified for cheating. Her heart was hammering in her chest.

Afterwards, when she found out the objective was to cheat without being caught, she literally facepalms herself because she hadn't even thought of cheating. And then that damned question was asked.

Back at the exam, the proctor states that the candidates are free to choose whether or not they want to try and solve the tenth question. If they opt out, the entire team will fail. If they choose to answer the question but get it wrong, they will be barred from taking the Chūnin Exams forever.

Hokkaido's heart hit her guts. She was afraid of never becoming a chunin. But she pressed forward, only to find out the tenth question was already asked. The question was to test their determination and bravery.

Since I'm a lazy bastard and ive worked on this almost all damn day, I'm moving forward.

During the one on one fights, Hokkaido was matched against Kabuto Yakushi. [you know. Cuz this mf kept taking the exams cuz he a spying little-]

She lost.

She lost.

She didn't become a chunin on her first try, but congratulated Aito and Eiji upon becoming Chunin.

Age 14

Sasuke was finally old enough to take his own chunin exams and they were being hosted in Konohagakure! Hokkaido was estatic, she was finally going home to Konohagakure, even if it was just for the exams.

The exams started the same, and she passes. She couldn't help but keep glancing toward her brother however, a tugging on her heart. He hadn't even looked her way.

She wondered if he forgot her. He hadnt.

After the written exams, they prepared for the second part. Hokkaido was paired with two Amegakure genin.

However, a red haired sand ninja with a foul attitude caught her eye. Gaara.

Another skip, I'm half dead.

Anyway,, she became a chunin because of the circumstances and after the fight with Gaara and Naruto, Hokkaido goes home back to Amegakure.

Sasuke had changed so much, her little brother was growing up.

Age 15

Hokkaido had been caring for Ichika and tried being a great big sister to the four year old who somehow ended up looking up to her like she had to Itachi. It left her heart hurting a little.

Still, she would sometimes think back to that red haired boy.

She often ignored it because she didn't want to even tell Shindou about a possible boy she liked, let alone one that was so damn destructive.

Things were going well, and she was being sent on a mission to Konohagakure soon. This mission, however, required her to move away for six months. She would be aiding the Fifth Hokage, Tsunade.

She wondered why she was chosen for such a thing...

Okay. That's rushed but there. Heres her OG Naruto Headcanons. Shippuden comes next. Feedback is much appreciated. Nah this isn't proofread either.

[always-evergreen]

jasmine, primrose, gardenia, lions fairytale, lily of the valley, desert rose, creams and sky, tulip, daphne, wisteria, angels face, iris, caramel kisses, primula, queen anne's lace, forget me not, lunaria, sunflower, snowdrop, peonie, tea rose, sweet pea, love in the mist, crown imperial, cosmos, moon flower, lily, anemone, lotus, buttercup, calendula, blazing star, carnation, petunia, and morning glory 💐🌸💮🌹🌺🌻🌼🌷

whew this is a lot!! thanks for asking! ill put this under a read more so I dont clog up everyones dash

jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? - my favourite was always griffins but I feel like theyd be kinda terrifying so im gonna go w mermaids!!

primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read? - not really a specific book but I think people just need to read more old timey books where literally nothing happens to calm us all down a little

gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? - I dont make promises to myself bc I know me too well and that bitch is a liar

lion’s fairytale; would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? - this is actually a really cool question! I feel like the sky would be kinda lonely whereas the ocean and forests are full of life..... im gonna go forest just bc its a little less scary than the ocean lol

lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? - cant say anyones ever actually hurt me that badly lol

desert rose; do you like yourself? - eh sure. could be improved upon but could be a whole lot worse!!

creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? - its not crazy but the bravest thing ive done is probably move away from home for university...and then drop out of two separate higher education courses lmfao

tulip; name 5 facts about yourself. - 1. im 5′6″. 2. ive dyed my hair 10 times. 3. im the middle of 3 siblings. 4. my biggest fear is someone breaking into my house. 5. my favourite animals are turtles!

daphne; do you believe in karma? - mmm not really... I dont not believe in it tho

wisteria; whom do you admire and why? - can I be honest w u guys? ive never had a role model in my life. never once have I looked at someone and been like ‘wow ur so cool and admirable I want to be like u’ like I just dont “admire” people idk:/

angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? - I really loved on Christmas eve when my dad would read us all the night before Christmas and the miracle of Jonathan Toomey... even when I got older and he was really just reading to my sister id still listen in lol

iris; do you believe in ghosts? - hell yeah!

caramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not? - maybe so that I could really see the whole world and travel everywhere and experience everything these different places have to offer but probably not bc once all my friends and family died itd be really lonely... if there were other immortals then possibly

primula; what makes you sad? - my cats getting quite old so its really upsetting to think that in a few years hes gonna die

queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most? - my bitch haide<3

forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life? - yeah of course what kind of sociopath doesn't have regrets!!

lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe? - middle earth

sunflower; share a favorite quote. - “Don’t die wondering.” - The Way Way Back

snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like? - sleep till noon, lie in bed watching movies all day, walk the dog, large bowl of pasta for dinner, more movies

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you. - “He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It’s his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry.” - The Book Thief, Markus Zuzak… that's always been one of my favourite books and rudys one of my all time favourite characters and this was the first time I had ever cried reading a book... fun fact ive actually only read this book twice bc I dont have the emotional strength to go through this scene again

tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? - I honestly cant think of anything atm...

sweet pea; who means the world to you? why? - my friends, my pets, my dad, jesse pinkman

love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read? - gotta say the book thief lol uhh fahrenheit 451, pretty much anything by ray Bradbury actually, to kill a mockingbird, the secret life of bees, lotr, his dark materials, little women, dorian gray, the shadow of the wind series

crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? - id like to have money obviously but id rather be loved than super rich

cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy? - cant say that I do

moonflower; what’s your favorite color? - pink! and blue and yellow

lilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? - I gave up being embarrassed about my interests years ago, theres no time for feeling bad about stuff u enjoy in life

anemone; describe yourself in 3 words. - baddest bitch alive. nah jk ummm quiet, curious, daydreamer

lotus; best memory as a child? - I have such a bad memory so I dont actually remember a lot of my childhood but ill say just in general the time spent at my grans during the summer holidays, especially if our cousins were also visiting. that was a lot of fun

buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? - redistribute the wealth of the super rich, thereby contributing to ending poverty, hunger and homelessness across the world

calendula; biggest pet peeve? - slow walkers, people who chew with their mouths open

blazing star; share a secret. - I dont really have secrets lmao nothing that interesting ever happens to me

carnation; would you rather live longer or happier? - happier

petunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? - again I dont look up to people and I am inspired by no one

morning glory; any special talent that you have? - I dont even have any normal talents let alone special ones lol

thanks for asking! hope this was interesting xx

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 2 episode 9

🚨trigger warning: mentions of rape in my notes🚨

"SECRETS"

Notes by me

- the chief from abydos! Also daniels father in law :)

- no glasses!Daniel in this scene

- I love how dedicated Daniel is to his space family and their culture😌 like this random Egyptian planet was like I'm gonna keep you! And he said okie dokie

- "I couldnt possibly be safer than in the company of tealc" AKDEOSNDJSJSSKA

- Jack wants to go back too lol

- Daniel back in his robes 💕

- back home for daniel! To abydos!

- Bodyguard!tealc

- apologizing to sha'res dad for not being able to find her yet 😟 its not your fault babe!

- SHA'RE??? YOUVE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME WHAT THE FUCK

- tealc:

- shes pregnant and that is....really bad. If its one of the goaulds that raped her. This got dark real quick

- "husband!" "My daniel" I CANT HANDLE THIS IM ALREADY GOING INSANE

- he doesnt want to bring his hopes up that its actually her 😭

- hes shocked but like.....i would be too

- I was right its apophis kid :\ this so fucked up

- Host Baby??? Big Yikes

- okay I'm gonna say this right fucking now before i watch any more. If Daniel blames her and gets mad at her for being raped and getting pregnant WITHOUT her consent than i will personally come thru this screen and slap the fuck out of him

- meanwhile! Jack and Sam bonding time!

- SAMS DAD

- sha're thinking Daniel wont love her anymore :( she better be wrong or I'm throwing hands

- she said the goauld is Amunet? Is that the dog goddess? Or the crocodile? I'm getting my Egyptian gods mixed up

- Daniel sitting outside to Process™

- "hasnt she gone thru enough?" My brain stopped working I'm so happy hes not not blaming her. Writers for once youre doing something right

- man hes really emotional about this

- tealcs right they need to take her anyway for her own safety.

- do u think he sympathizes with her bc hes been raped too? Its not said but I feel like thats what it is. He knows it wasnt her fault. And that also means they can comfort each other about what happened to them😟bc they understand

- okay why is sams dad being a total dill hole

- "Ive heard nothing about you, sir." Jack youre not off to a great first impression

- Jack making sam smile with sly jokes

- her dad knows she be lyin about her job

- he wants her to go to space HAHA if only he knew. His tiny brain would explode

- Daniel said he loves her no matter what and then gave her a big hug im LOSING MY MIND

- are we keeping the baby??? Am I gonna see Dad!Daniel and mom!sha're ??? 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

- micheal shanks eyes are super blue in this episode for my viewing pleasure only

- protective!Daniel 😍

- I'm just remembering how they met and when she showed him the forbidden drawings in the caves and they spent days together just sharing knowledge. When he found out they were married(in her culture) and just completely accepted it. When he saved her bc he realised he was in love. When he stayed on abydos so that he could live a full life with her and her people because he felt like he belonged. I'm fine

- parents need to ask before they set up things like job interviews. I have personal experience with this and im full of rage

- this reporter literally having a recording of Jack talking about the stargate and Jack flatly denying it. Zero fucks given

- Daniel saying he wont force sha're into anything. Bc up to this point shes been forced into so much!! He knows he needs to let her make her own choices!!! He gets it!!!

- im sorry both Daniel and sha're are so pretty in his episode. My bisexual brain is just having a real good time looking👀

- I REALLY really love it when she calls him "my dan-yel" ❤❤❤

- the SGC has a mole???

- LABOR somebody boil water

- oh its my goauld mans with the sick earrings

- Daniel helping her give birth. Sitting behind her and helping her breathe. I'm love

- "this is where we hid from Ra remember?" Ajdjsisnana thats such a cool detail

- he'll never leave her again there goes my heart

- "It's O'Neill. With two L's. Theres another colonel O'Neil, but he has no sense of humor at all."

- dont you hate when youre about to uncover a huge government secret and then immediately get hit by a car

- shooting the zat gun into the camera was a cool directing choice 🔥

- sam: so I'm getting a medal for my service this week! Cool right?

Jacob Carter: I have cancer

- he could not have been any more blunt

- ok dude cant you just accept the fact that she cant tell you what her job? Dont you know what top secret means? Cant you just be proud of her for what she does already???? Dick

- "I will always love you!!"

- she is scared she will lose Daniel and the baby :(

- its a boy! 💙💙

- the goauld is back in control oh god Daniel run

- shes actually pretty scary as a goauld

- yeah ok shoot the woman who just gave birth tealc YEESH

- that was a good idea to frame Heru'hur tho

- Daniel hesitating to leave her again. My heart is breaking 😢

- they saved the baby at least

- poor sha're didnt even get to see her son 😔

- bringing the baby back to the grandfather was a good idea😊

- this baby is SO SO cute

- is Daniel a stepdad now. Is he gonna come back and play catch with the kid when hes older. Is he gonna fully adopt him. I want him to fully adopt him

- Jack blaming himself for the reporters death. You gotta stop doing this to yourself man

- black shirt Daniel 👀👀👀👀

- HAHA tealc shoving the jaffa into the vortex lmaooo

- "you dare challenge me?"

"I was thinking about it"

- WHEN JACK GRABS HIS KNIFE REAL QUICK AND SPEARS IT INTO APPOPHIS HAND

- she definitely saw them and didnt say anything

- "are you alright?"

"No. No im not.........but I will be."

"She looked directly at us, Daniel jackson. And yet she did not reveal our position." YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS LADS. Theres still hope for my girl. She can fight this I believe in her ✊😤

- I will say it again tho. This storyline for her is very fucked up. No excuses, its just a bit over used in sci fi for the women characters to have surprise pregnancies.

~

Whump under the cut

Tealc whump: fought with jaffa

Daniel jackson whump: shocked, emotional, crying, forced kneeling, back handed

Sam carter whump: emotional , crying

🎶listening to You Are The Reason by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis 🎶 in honor of Daniel and sha're making me lose my collective mind

No glasses!Daniel for most of the episode

[placesthatchangedpeople]

Testimony about Vista RTC in Utah

Hi, my name is Paloma, and I am a survivor of Vista RTC located in Magna Utah. I am writing this now as a 23 year old, married with a child, and expecting another one next month. The life I lead today is uncomplicated, but that was not always the case. I was a “troubled teen” and had started drugs- my parents sent me to wilderness and Vista RTC as a way for me to get help. Only help is not what I got. The moment I was forcibly put on a plane by a company called “Crisis Interventions”, my life was changed forever. Here I am all these years later , just so fucked up over what happened to me. There’s so much that went on I can’t even begin to tell it all today but I will outline some of the abuse I endured.

I was not allowed to speak for weeks and weeks at a time. This is a punishment called RO (also known as re orientation) where you are not allowed to speak with any of the other kids. If you get caught talking to the other kids, they will also be put on RO. Being a young teenager and not being able to speak for weeks on end would drive me crazy. It was the worst thing they could do- take away your voice. I fought for a long time , tried to engage in small acts of defiance, but after not being allowed to speak for about 3 months I gave up and submitted. You should see my journals and how fucked up they are. I literally prayed for anyone to come save me but no one did.

if you try and leave they will strip you down, put you in bright pink scrubs and put you on something called “10 foot” it means you have to be 10 feet away from all the other kids at all times, no speaking and no eye contact. If you are caught looking at a 10 foot you will be dropped to RO. You can speak with your fingers only (1 I believe is bathroom , 2 is emergency, and I forgot what 3 is) oh and a staff member has to be within arms length of you at all times, to watch you shit, shower , dress, everything- for weeks , sometimes even months. My mind blanks out about some parts of vista. Another punishment they use is isolation rooms. I never recall being put into isolation but weirdly enough I have letters from staff reminiscing about how when I tried to leave and was put in the isolation rooms. It was in my graduation letter where this was mentioned- as if this would have been a fond memory or something. I remember the staff member made a joke like “all the fun times we had while you were in isolation” but honestly so much happened that I tried to block out I’m honestly not surprised.

the way they abuse you the most is with therapy. They make you have 2 hour groups every day. These are INTENSE groups where they force you to feel sad or ashamed about things you don’t feel sad/ashamed about. They make you recount your sexual traumas even if you aren’t ready. They literally force you to cry about situations you aren’t sad about. If your not “beleiveable” enough , they have the group rip you to shreds and say they “aren’t connecting”. If people “aren’t connecting” then you can’t go up levels which extends your stay. I tried fighting and being my authentic self for a while until I realized I would literally never go home unless I played their game. You literally have to go into group and give an Oscar award winning performance, tears , snot the whole nine- about something you literally don’t even feel that way about. I would be “crying” reliving all these sexual traumas that happened to me that I really felt different emotions about , but be forced to only be sad and cry. I would literally be so focused on whether I was believed or not that I got nothing out of the “therapy” whatsoever , except for more trauma.

They train the group of girls to be like a pack of dogs, constantly berating the newer people and constantly telling other girls they “aren’t connecting” in group. This is called “holding others accountable” and it gives you extra brownie points and is necessary if you ever want to walk out that door. The girls will snitch on you for the most minute things just so they can get moved to the next level. I remember after FINALLY making it to a higher level, being dropped to RO because a girl snitched on me for sharing a spoon with my friend. We were eating a banana (separate ones) and using a spoon to put peanut butter on said banana. I was dropped to RO and not allowed to speak for weeks because of that. I’m guessing that because they were super Mormon that they think sharing utensils is like lesbianism or something- I really don’t know. They had a ton of these rules and everything we did was regulated down to the minutes we could shower.

They made us feel ashamed and terrible about ourselves at all time. I was not allowed to see my parents for months at a time. All out phone called were monitored and if we started asking for help they would hang up. (Like we literally had someone next to us while we got our phone call there to listen and hang up if you said anything negative) you had to stay in character during calls if you ever wanted to go home. -I once wrote a letter starting each line with a different capital letter so that when you read it it would read “AYUDA ME” down the side of the paper (my mom and I speak Spanish) this letter was confiscated and thrown away (all mail is read before it’s sent out)

these little ass girls were getting strip searched and literally made to cough and squat any time they came back from a pass. Literally little ass girls forced to strip for adults - how fucking horrifying. It’s like they were preparing us for prison.

I actually got out and went straight to IV drugs. I used this experience to fuel my self destruction for a long time. I actually spent about a year in jail altogether right after vista , and let me tell you- jail was HEAVEN compared to Vista. At least they didn’t abuse us with therapy and make us keep some fucking ridiculous character all day.

Anyways that’s all I’m going to write for now as it’s getting late, I will write more later and encourage anyone who has been to Vista to share their experiences. Even writing this I feel like a weight is coming off my shoulders. I still die inside every time I think of being sent here - even all these years later.

Edited to add- We also went by a point system and were graded for each thing me did such as “20 minute snack” “one hour school” “15 minute morning chore” “bed made”. Literally every aspect of our life was graded and we were constantly docked points and given zeros for the most minute things. The thing worth the most points was group therapy (yes we were graded on fucking therapy) so if you didn’t preform well enough or cry hard enough about someone random then you would get a 0. If you didn’t score high enough at the end of the week you would be dropped to RO, then the next week if your points were high enough you could get off RO. This was a big threat and reason a lot of us stayed submissive. RO sucked and meant you weren’t going home for a long time so you had to try and be perfect at all times. If you lost one of these point sheets you were immediately dropped (to RO) for a person with ADD this was a constant problem for me and I was dropped multiple times for it.

I would also like to add that every person that ran was tackled and severely restrained (possible beaten but I’m not sure) you would hear the screams from outside the doors of the girls being caught. Harrowing screams, like they were being killed. To this day I don’t know if they were being hurt or if they were just so fucking upset they were being dragged back.

My roommate got out of Vista and immediately shot herself in the head (and lived) most people from Vista got much much worse and have a hard time taking about it. I did too, and honestly this thread is the most I’ve ever shared.

[momracha-blog]

my heart breathed  ― kim seungmin

word count : 5.1k summary : it takes several years, a camera and an entire exhibit, curated by one kim seungmin to finally understand what a SOULMATE was. pairing : photography student!kim seungmin / gender neutral!reader note : it’s been a while since i’ve written anything so long so have mercy on me. i’ve tried my best but would appreciate some feedback ?? it’s also heavily unedited so i apologize for weird grammar. yikes.  and i discovered i can’t write endings for life, so even more apologies.

I  -- soulmates, who ??

         you grew up with seungmin, there were no secrets between the two of you. everything was SHARED amongst the two of you -- if one had it, the other must also have it. it wasn’t a surprise for your parents to find items belonging to the other at their home...seungmin and you were each other’s family’s honorary member ( if that made any sense ). you two embodied what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours in perfect harmony...sharing is caring is what you’d say but only if it was with seungmin.          when boys teased you about having cooties, seungmin still grasped your hand tightly and stuck his tongue out at the other boys, “only dumb-dumbs like you would get cooties !! y/n !! don’t go near them, you’ll catch their dumb-dumb germs !!”. he always came to your rescue, always stood right by your side ( even if you may be in the wrong ) and defended you.          when girls bullied seungmin for having more crayons or drawing better, you didn’t HESITATE to yank some pigtails, “leave minnie alone !!” you would demand, “you’re just jealous because your picture sucks and the teacher will never put it up !!” you continue, sticking out your tongue then go right back to helping seungmin pick up dropped crayons or smooth out crumpled papers...          you relied on seungmin as he relied on you ; you kissed each other’s wounds better, protected one another and clung to one another.          everyone knew you two came and went as pairs ; if there was ONE of you, the other wasn’t far behind. you two always knew where each other was and would be, as if your minds are connected. your parents said it was probably because seungmin was your SOULMATE, your friends say that maybe seungmin was your long lost twin some long time ago -- both incredulous explanations.          whatever the explanation was for how the two of you fit together like pieces of a puzzle, it didn’t matter to you ; what mattered was that you hoped you got to spend the rest of your life with on KIM SEUNGMIN.          your parents never failed to remind the two of you about the one time the two of you pledged to marry one another once you two were old enough and that he would take care of you and make you the happiest person on earth...          at the time, you’d scoff because seungmin was your best friend, your brother from another mother...you can’t marry your own family !! if only you knew that life had something else for you.

II -- cliches, niches and cliques

         entering high school, another milestone in your life, was both exhilarating and scary but you knew you can handle it if you had seungmin. the first few days were hectic, rushing from one class to another, getting lost in the hallway, making new friends, losing connections with old ones.          losing...that was a terrifying word, yet somehow, a few months into the school year, you found a new group of friends and you know seungmin has also found his own niche to meld into, his own CLIQUE to be with. he always invited you to sit with him during lunch, any outings with his new friends, he’d invite you along...he never forgot about you because you were his other half but you always felt like you were intruding.          “hey, y/n !! jeongin and the others wants to go karaoke after school. wanna come ?? it’ll be fun, c’mon !! it’s been a while since we hung out !!”          “sorry, minnie....i have a lot of homework to do tonight,” -- a lie          “c’mon !! we can do homework together later !! i just wanna hang out with my best friend !!” -- it’s different, you think...it’s not just the TWO of you. it’s you and THEM. you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle because seungmin has found other people he wanted to be with.          “i really can’t, seungmin. i seriously need a headstart on all this work.” -- you left it at that, not another chance to convince you to go, you just turned to leave.          you always knew about seungmin’s love for PHOTOGRAPHY so hearing that he joined the club was no surprise to you. when he first discovered his love of photography, he was always so EAGER to show you the photos he had taken, and that made you feel special. but now, he shows them to anyone that wanted to see, you were no longer FIRST in his list anymore.          you tried to find something that interested, something to distract you from the forming loneliness in your heart -- maybe this is your fault, you were pushing him away after all -- but never found any, so you spent many afternoons walking home alone.          that was the FIRST time you come to realize that you two were so DIFFERENT, the thought struck you hard. the two of you always thought you were halves of a WHOLE, but high school changed that thought -- you two were as different as two sides of the moon...sociable and fun-loving kim seungmin with quiet, timid you.

III --- puberty hit too HARD

         puberty hit like a truck...or at least, you thought it hit seungmin like a truck while you remained the same old ( blegh ) you. he got handsomer as days wore on, you swore each time you see him, your heart skips a beat. you have always loved the way he smiles and laughs, the way his eyes twinkle with mischief...but as he got older, more features filled in and accentuated his visage perfectly. god, how can someone be so DORKY and so handsome at the same time ?!          BE STILL, MY HEART !! seungmin is your best friend !! your brother !! your half to a whole. don’t ruin it with your gross imagery. but you will always admit and proudly so, that your best friend was one of the HANDSOMEST in the school, yet you could never work up the confidence in yourself so you resigned yourself to the fact that you’ll never be as beautiful as seungmin.          “our seungminnie is growing up !!” your mother’s coo at the male.          “eomma, please....we’re trying to do our homework !!”          “it’s so odd to hear my voice like this...” seungmin frowns, the way his voice was unsteady and cracks every few sentences. sometimes it was DEEP, sometimes it was a bit higher pitched...         “you’re gonna be a heartthrob once everything settle down,” your dad chuckles, hand reaching out to ruffle seungmin’s hair.          “appa !! enough !! out !! we’ve got homework to do !!” you screeched, was it because you were JEALOUS over what your father said ?? that seungmin is going to get handsomer and handsomer, while you’re just stuck where you are ?? not getting any taller or prettier or whatever that was supposed to happen during puberty ??          insecurity grew in your heart as people flocked to seungmin -- people were starting to notice your best friend more and more, you became an extra in his life. you withdrew more and more...anxiety and upset ate at your mind -- you’re not perfect, not BEAUTIFUL like the photographs seungmin always excitedly showed you. you were a black stain in the perfect world seungmin captures through his viewfinder.          you wished the world would forget you, so you got quieter and quieter...you made yourself smaller and smaller. but there was a problem -- SEUNGMIN never forgets you, you were the half to his WHOLE, you were his ‘special’ someone.

IV -- running away ?!

         graduation was approaching and that meant it was time to DECIDE on a career, a school to go to. you knew that seungmin was definitely going to a school where he can further his photography career...maybe this was your chance to RUN, hide from him and the stormy emotions in your heart.          problem ?? your life was so TIED with seungmin, you couldn’t imagine a day without seeing him ( god, you sound like you have separation anxiety ). you thought you’d always be with seungmin that you never really THOUGHT about what you wanted to do, what interested you. now that sounds pathetic -- you just totted behind seungmin like a lost child, doing god knows what and now you’re stuck.          “do you know what you wanna do when you graduate ??”          “no....i just, i’m not sure yet.” you admit, this was probably something you should have tried to figure out earlier, not just a few weeks before applications and testings were supposed to happen. “do you ??” you returned the question, not that you needed an answer, you knew what he was going to say.         “yeah, i’m applying for photography. i’m hoping i get in but i hear it’s super competitive.” he frowns ( you hate it when he frowns...it doesn’t look good on his face ).          “have faith, minnie....you’re the best photographer anyone knows, you’ll get in, believe me.” you declare, despite the bubbling anxiety ( and maybe a slight dislike ), you still wanted to be SUPPORTIVE of him.          “you’re right !! who could deny entry to the great kim seungmin anyways ??” he states. god, you wished you had his confidence sometimes....you wished you had a lot of things seungmin had but settled on imagining. that was the last you two spoke about post-secondary school...a part of you was glad he didn’t continue to pry, yet another part of you was BITTER that he didn’t follow up or tried to support you in seeking out your life goals.          graduation came and went, and you ended up in the SAME school as seungmin, again -- much to his DELIGHT and your slight resentment.          you wanted to get away but you couldn’t  -- that night, you come to realize why...in the midst of your storming mind, the pounding of your heart, you realize that you have FALLEN for your best friend ; the how and why, you had no clue but your mother always said LOVE worked in mysterious ways. you blamed the fact that you two grew up together ; that you were mistaking familial love for romantic love.          as you fell asleep, you ponder -- does seungmin remember the childhood pledge ??

V -- conceal, don’t feel

         good thing about post-secondary ?? the school is SO freaking huge, you never had to worry about not being able to avoid seungmin.          bad thing about knowing kim seungmin for so long ?? he knew you well...which meant, he knew just how to always catch you outside of lecture halls when your class ended. he knew where you liked to have lunch ( and always came prepared with your favorites ).          even worse ?? you two were ROOMMATES...expected but not welcomed, you had no idea how to avoid seungmin around the flat and you couldn’t say NO to your best friend whenever he wanted to crash in your room to study together.          “okay, so we both know that we’re TERRIBLE at keeping on track when we’re studying, so !!” seungmin declares, barging into the room with his laptop in hand and his backpack slung over his shoulder.          “you mean you have a terrible track record of procrastinating and slacking off,” you retort.         “y/n ~~” he whines unhappily as he promptly settles on the floor next to your bed, “humor me and help me out !! i really need to study, it’s 25% of my marks !!”          “okay, okay. fine. but why my room ?? we can just study in the living room....” you huff, watching him make himself comfortable in your room.          “your room is bigger and this reminds me of back when we were in high school,” he responds, and you fall silent....a bitter taste forms on your tongue -- high school, the beginning of your agony over your feelings for and about seungmin.          you managed to work up a way to cope, to hide EVERYTHING beneath a thinly veiled facade -- saying enough but not everything whenever seungmin asked questions. you know he’s catching on -- the look he gives you ( you almost cracked and told him ), the concerned gestures he takes ( was he pitying you ?? you can’t tell if he pities you or actually cared anymore -- your mind was a dangerous place ).          the answer was -- seungmin never forgot the pledge because he never forgets about you and he wants nothing more than to fulfill it ; you weren’t just his best friend but his SOULMATE.

VI -- the crack

         were you prepared for the stress that came with school ?? yeah, of course !! it was expected, your parents warned you about it...so did your high school alums.          were you ready to deal with that stress, along with your mind and feelings for seungmin that was bubbling forth ?? hell, no. it was just so much, TOO much. you had no idea what to do except CRY.          seungmin had a late class that day and you saw it as a CHANCE to finally let loose. you barely held yourself together, seams ready to burst. you gave a hurried good bye to your friends and rushed home, ignoring the looks of concern and surprise on their faces as you grabbed your things and you rushed out the door.          the moment you were through the door, you don’t make it to your room and you were on the ground of the living room as the tears began to POUR. sobs shook your tired body, you didn’t bother holding back your cries. as you bawled, you felt as if a WEIGHT was lifted from your shoulders, if you knew that was the case...maybe you should have cried more instead of holding it back.          in your bout of crying and sobbing, choked babbling about how sorry you were and how terrible you felt to absolutely no one....you hadn’t received the text from seungmin that his class had ended early and asked if you wanted to grab something to eat...in your incoherent litany of apologies and insecurities, you didn’t hear the front door open and shut and worried steps heading into the room.          “y/n, oh my god !! are you okay ?!” seungmin asks, arms immediately finding hold around your shaking frame...worry etched in his handsome face. it hurt to see you cry, how long had you been crying ?? why were you apologizing ??           your heart clenched at the sight of upset on seungmin’s face -- you did this, you made him frown, you made him sad. you don’t notice how your frame fits snugly against his, how he holds you so tenderly as if you’d break but just tight enough to hold you together as you did. all you could do was babble apologies to seungmin about how you were ruining the friendship and how you felt like you were ruining his picture perfect world because you weren’t pretty enough.          you don’t notice the way his frown gets continually deeper as you released all your stress and anxiety out to your best friend...he did this. he was a terrible friend, how could he call himself your SOULMATE when he didn’t even realize you were suffering so much ?? how long did you feel this way ?? cursing his own blindness, he never meant to make you cry...of all the times he’s been with you when you needed a shoulder to cry on, this time hurt the MOST.          fatigue finally hits you and your sobs diminish to whimpers before your breathing evens out to signal you had fallen asleep, but seungmin never lets you go, he holds you to his chest as he rocks the two of you gently, humming the nonsensical tune the two of you made as children to calm you.          “you were ALWAYS pretty enough, y/n. no, you’re beyond pretty...if i didn’t want to keep you to myself, you’d always be the subject of my photos.”

VII -- project discovery

         you and seungmin never spoke about your crying spell...you had woke up, still cradled in seungmin’s arms. guilt had washed over you as the boy had slept in an awkward position to make sure you slept peacefully and COMFORTABLY. you left him some salonpas for the aching muscles and treated him to breakfast as a thank you but not a WORD was spoken about what happened.          “sorry....you should have just woke me up,” you mumble over your food, having been pushing the tofu around in your bowl.          “and risk waking a sleeping bear ?? i know how you’re like when you’re disturbed from your beauty sleep,” he retorts, then he REGRETS. how could he say something so inconsiderate to you after you having told him you felt terrible about yourself ?? he stuffs his mouth full of rice and side dishes to stop himself from saying anything more.          “then don’t complain to me later when you’re sore,” you huff, slight annoyance taking to your tone as your attention returned to your food. you wanted to LEAVE as soon as possible, you don’t think you can stand being around seungmin any longer...at least, for the day, you couldn’t stand it if you had to listen to another uttering of harsh words from the photographer. you didn’t notice the look of guilt hanging on seungmin’s features as you barely finished your food before excusing yourself.          the two of you continued on with your respective lives ; perhaps after the entire thing, seungmin was finally realizing he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you...he was finally discovering that you were UGLY and didn’t fit his aesthetics. relief and sadness washed over your heart -- relief because it meant you no longer had to avoid him, he’d avoid you, yet sadness because you were going to lose the person that meant the most to you ( your special someone ).          it’s okay, you’ll come to terms with it...you did this to yourself, this was your endgame. it’ll be painful but hey, it couldn’t be more painful that that time you broke your arm falling out of a tree as a kid, right ?? ( you recall, seungmin cried HARDER than you did and you ended up comforting him and awkwardly patting his back as you nursed your injured arm in the emergency room  ).          but, boy...were you WRONG about everything. after hearing how you felt about yourself and ( he hopes he wasn’t misinterpreting ) the feelings you had for him, he was on a MISSION. a mission he had with renewed vigor, he was beginning to lose MUSE because you had become so distant and disinterested, but now, he’s found his inspiration again. he knows what he wants to do for his FINAL presentation at the end of his program.

VIII -- why do you always have a camera ??

         much to your dismay, things return to normal...seungmin still sought you out, brought you lunch, made sure you were taken care of. and it seemed that he was doing it more...intensely if you must give it a word.          his gestures made your heart skip a beat -- bringing you lunch, buying you coffee...waiting outside your lecture hall to walk you to the next one, if you had a late class, he’d wait until you were done to walk home together.          your friends swear that the two of you seem like you were DATING but you denied all claims ( you swore you saw seungmin’s face drop when you said it was impossible for him to like you beyond a sister ).          “seungmin’s here again...are you SURE you two aren’t dating ?? this sort of dedication isn’t just sibling love...my own brother wouldn’t even do this.”          “we are NOT dating, for the last time !! we grew up super close and we’re tight with one another,” you huff, walking towards seungmin slowly.          “ugh, but damn, you’re so lucky...where do i get me a boy like kim seungmin, who’d wait for me outside of class and bring me food or coffee or walk me home late at night ??” she dramatically sighs, irritation floods your heart.          “we live together...” you point out.          “valid point but he still doesn’t have to wait. if you’re sure you two aren’t dating, mind if i go for him ??” she teases, wiggling her eyebrows. “OW !! WHAT WAS THAT FOR ?!” she screeches when you sock her in the shoulder ( okay, so you were jealous ).          “he’d never go for someone as dramatic as you,” you call back, waving dismissively as you bound towards the male.          well, if he wasn’t going to abandon you ( thank god ), maybe the two of you can reconcile...patch things up as you slowly put away your feelings. you were willing to try because you knew...it was better to have SEUNGMIN in your life as a friend than not at all. you were going to try, even if it means pretending.          you began to notice that whenever you two were together, he always had his camera...and not so subtly training it on you. “what are you doing ?! stop taking ugly photos of me !!” you complain, shoving your hand into his lens to block out your image.          “can’t i try to document some memories ?? be nice, i send them to the ‘rents !!” he argues, a valid argument. one he always used whenever you caught him taking photos of you, that or he gives you the excuse that he’s trying to buff up his portfolio with some huge photography word you can’t understand so you’d just ignore him.

IX -- it’s the final countdown !!

         last year, senior year....things were starting to get really busy, the two of you barely saw one another. but you two always tried to make time for one another....tried being the KEYWORD.          canceled dates, being stood up...it was infuriating and frustrating but what can you do when kim seungmin became the star pupil of his program ?? you were still a NOBODY while seungmin was reaching fame somehow. the thought you had all those years ago strikes you again...the one you had when you were a senior in high school.          shoving those thoughts away, you remind yourself that he had PRIORITIES to take care of and you just didn’t happen to be one of them -- that’s fine. you’re supposed to be an understanding, supportive friend, after all.          you don’t fail to notice how secretive seungmin has gotten...it’s almost as if he’s trying to keep you out of the loop for some reason. was this it ?? was he finally cutting you out of his life ?? you choke up, you weren’t ready for this ; you convinced yourself that you were but in reality, you can’t part with seungmin...after all...your life was infinitely better with seungmin IN it than out of it.          your phone buzzes -- seungmin was calling. shoving aside your uncertainty, you respond with a cheery tone, “i hope you have some expensive chocolates and ice cream to make up for ditching me,” you greet, watching your breath form smoke in the space in front of you and disappear into the sky.          “sorry !! i got really caught up with setting up the exhibit, it has to be perfect because the prof said --”          “i’m just joking, calm down, dandy boy. i get it. do you want me to get you anything for dinner ??”          “uhh...well, i was hoping you’d swing by and give the set up a look-see and give me some feedback. and then maybe we can grab food ??”          “are you sure ??”          “yeah, but bring me something to drink ?? i think i’m gonna die of dehydration.”          “so dramatic. i’ll be there in 15 minutes.”          “thanks. love you. bye.” and a beep to signal the end. your heart skips a beat when he said love you. no, he means as a FRIEND, as your BROTHER.          thank god, no one was around to see or hear that...because he only just realized what he said when he hung up and his face FLUSHES. did he really just blurt out LOVE YOU as he was hanging up ?? so casually ?? so nonchalantly ?? god, he was EMBARRASSING.

X -- and my heart breathed....

         standing in the studio, you felt so SPECIAL...seungmin was letting you see his final project before anyone else. you haven’t gone any further in, waiting for seungmin to come meet you and maybe walk you through it...until you got a text that said he had been called away to deal with some questions his professor had. no issue...that didn’t mean you couldn’t wander the exhibit.          you chose a random photo to stop by, your eyes dart to the small caption then to the photo...it was a familiar scenery -- was that the park the two of you first met ?? you two had fought over who got to go on the slide first and ended up going together in an odd tangle of limbs. must be a coincidence...but it was a beautifully taken photo.          continuing to walk, you come to realize there was a NARRATIVE with the photos -- wow, seungmin really went ALL OUT with this. a few more photos, you pause in front of a photo with a girl...unsuspecting, smiling...that’s YOU. you feel your breath catch as you looked the the next one. then the next....and the next.          YOU were the subject of his photographs, YOU were the narrative. every photo had you in it, whether you were looking at the camera or not and it seemed there were more CANDID photos of you than not -- save for one, the one you had shoved your hand into his camera to stop him from taking photos ( captioned : i could never stop picturing you ).          your phone buzzed almost as if seungmin’s realized you were just moving around, all it was was you need to READ the caption, dumbdumb...          just before the photo of you, you spot a picture of the living room of your flat, a complete mess...why would seungmin even take a picture of that ?? you read the caption -- jealousy leads to agony, and i’m sorry.          you didn’t understand so you continued on. starting with the very first one you had spotted yourself in -- the viewfinder can never do you justice. what does that even mean ?? was it supposed to be sarcastic ??          moving slowly through the gallery, you read the captions...it confused you more and more. just what was the boy trying to get at ?? was your heart clouding your mind by eliciting some sort of HOPE ?? the hope you had locked away after the ‘incident’ ??          turning the corner to the last one, you stare at the blank canvas and empty caption...was it unfinished or not a part of the exhibit ?? but seungmin was never the type to leave things unfinished...almost on cue, you see seungmin walk towards you -- camera in hand -- before he stops a few steps in front of you.          “before you say anything. i just...want to know the answer to this question.” seungmin starts, shifting nervously from foot to foot, “you....uhm...remember....” he struggles.          “out with it, seungmin, the suspense is killing me !!” you jest, maybe if you lighten the atmosphere...it would be better ?? or maybe you just wanted him to tear off the bandage quickly so you can go home and have another cry.          “you really aren’t the romantic type, huh ??fine, i want to ask you if you...would still like to honor the pledge we made when we were kids,” he said, spoken so quickly it sounded like a RUSH of air.          “what ?? the pledge ?? you mean the one when we said we’d marry each other, get a house together and you’d make me the happiest person on earth ??”          “yeah, that one and you missed the one where i said i was gonna take care of you...though, i kinda already failed, considering i made you cry a while ago...”          “you didn’t make me cry. i made myself cry.”          “no, i made you make yourself cry. shut up, i’m tryna confess here.” he shushes, and so you do. lips pulling taut as you wait, anxiously...but you know what he’s going to ask, and you know what you’re answer is going to be.          “would you allow me....to renew that pledge, honor it and maybe...uhm...let me...stay by your side ?? forever ?? and let me show the world just how BEAUTIFUL you are ??” he scratches the back of his neck, “no, wait. that wasn’t...i had something better,”           you didn’t wait for him to amend his question or confession or whatever it was because you knew what he was going to ask. you knew him like the back of your hand, you knew him so well that he never had to VOICE his thoughts and you’d know what he’s thinking. you closed the space between the two of you, practically throwing yourself at the boy...stumbling with him when he tries to balance himself from the force of your tackle.          “i can’t believe...even after all these years and a crying spell, you still had to ASK, kim seungmin,” you murmur, your heart was pounding so loudly, you were sure he could hear it too.          “well, i’d like to be SURE, you know ?? you’re a little hard to read these days and that’s probably because i’ve been a terrible person and i just...” you cut him off mid-ramble.          “yes. yes....please. there’s no place else i want to be than right beside you,” you mumble against his shoulder as one arm came to wrap around your waist as the other cradled the camera,           “thank god. i was gonna die if you said NO and that i misinterpreted everything because you told your friends that there was no chance we were dating and you were really distant and you just --” you remembered that when seungmin was nervous and anxious, he tended to talk TOO much.          your first kiss, your first love, your first photo exhibit....seungmin’s your FIRST, ALWAYS, and FOREVER. it may have taken a lot of pain and struggling but in the end it was worth it because you were right where you needed to be, fate had your place saved right next to kim seungmin, world famous photographer to be.

the final photo in the exhibit, a favorite amongst romantics, was the FIRST hug you had with seungmin in years, the first one you two had as your relationship began ; you didn’t quite like it because of how CLOSE it was ( how did he even manage to sneak that photo ?? he never told you but you didn’t care...he’ll tell you eventually, he was terrible at hiding secrets from you ) but you also loved how he managed to capture a moment of JOY and happiness in just one photo -- AND MY HEART BREATHED, FINALLY.

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[tumblunni]

Hmm i think i may have possibly settled on an idea for how to rewrite Kin and Gin to be more complex and potentially redeemable.

Gonna focus on The Big Family Love, because these siblibgs caring about each other so much its literally their battle power is already their best and only slightly sympathetic trait

So i was thinking about the whole 'hey here's another third sibling in the third version of the game' thing and had a BIG BRAINWAVE

What if kin and gin want to turn back time to fix a mistake in their past? And all the evil they do with manipulating other people's pasts is something that they regret having to do buy see as a necessary evil in order to achieve their goal.

Their goal? Bronzlow.

Why did he not appear in the original version of the game and wasnt even mentioned? Because he was DEAD.

Kin and Gin's goal in life is to save their baby brother who died when they were children. Maybe his 'funny' clumsiness and struggle to keep up with his sisters was very much not funny in this original timeline. One day the twins were teasing him over something or other, he messed up yet again and got their kite caught in a tree or something. And they were supoosed to be responsible when looking after the lil guy, but on that day they just happened to be a little short tempered with him and made the stupid decision to yell at him to get the kite back even though they knew he wasnt good at climbing. It was just a stupid mistake of some kids who were probably too young to be put in charge of babysitting their brother. He just.. Fell. Everything was over so fast. And it felt like time had forever stopped at that moment.

So they spent their whole lives trying to find a way to bring him back to life, even doing forbidden magic to become yokai and gain the power they needed to bend time. And they grew old and cynical and slowly lost their grip on morality, because the guilt just kept hauntinh them and the closer they got to making their dream come true the more they became tempted to let go of morals and hurt people in the desperation to finally achieve it...

And then this would be a good excuse for me to lets play one of the original versions of the game and then also the third one. And it could be interesting to set it up like this story with my oc is actually left hanging on the first playthrough and only fully completes after the third game. Like its all in the same continuity as if Mallory really did experience both games! Kin and gin's time travel messing up the future could be a good excuse to show all the different versions as alternate universe type things! And have it so that at some point Bronzlow just suddenly appears without explanation and everyone acts like he was always there. Which would lead to the reveal of the whole backstory and like.. Bronzlow is here now and looks like how he would if he'd lived a full long life, because their plan is almost complete. Theyre always sassing him and he's all funny comic relief but really all alpng he mattered more to them than anyone else and theyre so happy to see him again. And getting to see him again has made them so desperate to make it real that they'd even collapse time and space itself just to not have to let go of him again! Like what if some of his 'funny clumsy moments' are actually like.. Signs that he's not completely saved and the paradox is trying to correct itself? Like he doesnt remember that he died but his sisters do, he's just like 'wow i felt kinda dizzy there for a moment, im sorry' and 'huh i seem really forgetful lately' and he doesnt notice himself flickering in and out of existance and just DAMMIT IM GETTING REALLY EMOTIONAL ALREADY

And in the end of course kin and gin would have to face the fact that bronzlow wouldbt want them to bring him back if it meant other people had to get hurt. Thats why they tried to hide the truth from him, they knew he would sacrifice himself to fix the timeline and save everyone. And it could be super depressing with him joining you to fight his sisters even when he knows it'll kill him, and then the last moment of the fight is the time machine thing being broken and then a vision of the siblings as kids standing beneath that same tree, and the twins begging bronzlow to let them just stop time here and stay with him, if they cant save him then they want to die together... But there's no timeline where he'd ever say yes to that...

:(

So umm yeah, the redemption fot these two would be finally accepting their grief instead of running from it, and you hug them and let them know that they have a second chance at a happy life. He never blamed them, they didnt have to destroy their own chance at happiness for his sake. He'd want them to go out and enjoy life, every time theyre smiling he'll be smiling with them...

I dunno i just think itd be a good way to make people care more about an underrated character. Cos from what ive heard about bronzlow he apparantly barely even talks, and really is just 'we added another one in the third version' with no more complexity than that. Kin and Gin already arent very popular so its understandable that their lil bro would be even more ignored, so this is an idea for how to make his low plot role a big plot role yet alsp at the same time get meta with thw low plot role itself being the big emotional tragedy...

Also i dunno if i'd actually find some way to bring him back eventually? Like as a reward for them at the end of their redemptive arc, maybe have them return in yw3 and help the heroes there and then after a loooong long journey they find another non-evil way to bring him back in the postgame. I dunno if itd dampen the emotional arc to bring him back tho? I feel like the importabt part os just that they learn not to hurt other people tp try and save their brother, as long as they actually finally give up and stop their evil plan it could still show the same amount of character growth if he does come back. Like it wouldbt be a moral-ruining 'yeah their evil plan actualky worked' kind of thing, just some different miracle happened, possibly directly caused BY them making the right choice? Like by confiding in others and not doing it all alone they finally manage to find the answer. But maybe have it happen some time after the endibg so the sadness still has enough time to breathe and it feels even happier when it eventually happens.

Also gives me an excuse to play out the credits sequence but with bronzlow vanishing out of that happy pic of them together. (Thanks to my friend who showed me that!)

[la-knight]

BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage. 

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

[teresa60521-blog]

Side Effects

chapter 19: 2 weeks

If Uraraka felt trapped in the Bakugou home before giving birth, she definitely felt trapped now. But she was glad that she wasn’t thrust into the chaos of the outside world and that she was wrapped up with this tiny bundle of joy who just so happened to cry and whine half of the day.

Uraraka would be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying it.

She liked having somebody being dependent on her and  being able to take care of somebody. She had been told in the past that she has a motherly quality about her but she didn’t see it until she actually became a mother. It still didn’t feel real. Uraraka felt like she would be giving the baby back to somebody.

It was also nice that Masaru and Mitsuki believed in her parenting abilities. They didn’t hover, only lent her a hand when she asked for the help. They were always ready and willing to assist, Mitsuki more so since she was home most of the time unless she was running errands or having lunch with old friends. Masaru still worked, coming home late but always making time to say hello to his grandchild.

When Uraraka had asked them if they wanted her to leave, Mitsuki had looked at her like she was insane.

“Where are you gonna go?” Mitsuki had asked and truthfully, Uraraka hadn’t even thought that far. She had just wanted to get out of their hair. “You’re welcome here for as long as you like. Better you than my son.”

Uraraka had laughed but it was greatly appreciated. She finally belonged somewhere.

She just wished that Bakugou had stayed with them too the past few weeks.

She understood completely; school was still the most important thing to Bakugou. He still was driven to become a hero and having a baby didn’t affect him as much as it did Uraraka. She was still recovering, the pain mostly gone but her emotions still off kilter. Uraraka wanted to start shaving off some of the excess baby weight but she had to wait until she was all healed. Bakugou’s life didn’t have to slam on the breaks; he was just able to keep on going like nothing had happened.

Uraraka was thankful that he kept in constant contact, asking about Kazumi and how both she and the baby were doing. He was making up for the time he had lost during the pregnancy and that was all Uraraka really wanted. It would just be better if he was actually there with her.

He had come home the first weekend and with this next weekend rapidly approaching, Uraraka couldn’t wait to see him again. She just wanted a little help and a little bit of family bonding time. Because that’s what they were. A family.

Friday before Bakugou was due home Uraraka was sitting on the couch, holding Kazumi close to her chest. Kazumi was sleeping, had fallen asleep in her arms after drinking from her bottle, and Uraraka couldn’t find it in herself to put her baby girl down. Just two short weeks after she had given birth she was head over heels in love with her daughter. She understood what some new mothers said when it was the best feeling and experience in the world.

Uraraka felt her phone buzz against her leg and she made sure Kazumi was secure in one arm before opening the text.

>> these asshole wont leave me the fuck alone

Uraraka smiled as she read the text. She had gotten similar texts from Bakugou over the course of the week, him complaining about how their classmates wanted to come see the baby and how they hovered asking for pictures. She didn’t mind if they came over to meet Kazumi, she just didn’t want to overwhelm the infant with too many people and if the whole class came over it would be a lot . But she didn’t mind a few people coming over.

Bakugou was pretty adamant about them not coming over though. In fact, he said they were never ever allowed in his house again.

<< why?

>> they wanna fuckin come over even tho ive told them 100000000000 times hell fuckin no

<< maybe it’s easier to just say yes?

<< i wouldnt mind it if they came over

There was silence from Bakugou now and she knew he was pissed that she had disagreed with him. She just shook her head and let him fume in silence, putting the phone down beside her. In that moment Masaru sat down on the other side of the couch with the newspaper. He smiled gently at her and then glanced down at Kazumi through his glasses.

“How is she?” Masaru asked as he settled against the back of the couch. His voice was gentle, quiet so he didn’t wake the sleeping infant up.

Uraraka shifted Kazumi in her arms and the baby twitched, making a purring noise in the back of her throat and shaking her head. Uraraka rocked her a little bit until she settled down and was lying still in her arms again.

“Sleepy.” Uraraka smiled softly and rubbed her thumb across the back of Kazumi’s hand. She could already see growth in her baby and she thought it was amazing.

“Mm.” Masaru unfolded the newspaper. “And how are you doing?”

“I’m also sleepy. But happy. Much happier than I was when I was pregnant.”

“I told you Katsuki would come around.” Masaru sounded so proud of himself and Uraraka couldn’t even be mad. He was right and there was no denying that. Uraraka wished she had a little more faith when he had initially said this to her but everything that happening at the time led her to believe otherwise. Bakugou was being really rude and just downright awful. Uraraka didn’t think she was going to have a happy ending.

The future was still uncertain but for now, she was living the happy ending fantasy.

“I’m glad he did.” Uraraka whispered. She checked her phone again but there was still no message from Bakugou. She let it go, knowing this was nothing to get upset about. He could not respond to her and she would be fine with it. She spent a little more time with Masaru, talking about Bakugou and Kazumi and a little bit of Masaru’s job. He was still a fashion designer and he did in fact create some hero costumes. They weren’t worn by super popular heroes by any means but it still made him feel good to know that there were young heroes out there wearing the clothes he designed.

Uraraka told him maybe she would get her clothing reworked by him, but Masaru reminded her that technically she and Bakugou had matching designs as they were made by the same designer. Their costumes had predicted their love perhaps.

She carried Kazumi carefully upstairs and laid her in the bassinet beside her bed. She didn’t know when she was supposed to move Kazumi to her crib but she figured she had a couple of months. She wasn’t ready for her baby to grow that big yet. She liked rolling over in the morning and seeing Kazumi sleeping peacefully surrounded by the baby blanket her friends had made.

Uraraka fell asleep pretty quickly that night, having been up early that morning with her little girl. Kazumi woke her up once or twice in the middle of the night and Uraraka was still getting used to that. Hopefully Bakugou could come relieve her in the middle of the night tomorrow. However, the two still weren’t allowed to sleep in the same room and there were no chances that Bakugou would hear Kazumi in the first place. Bakugou was surprisingly a heavy sleeper, but so was Uraraka. She wondered when that would catch up to her. When there was a baby screaming two feet away from her though, it was hard to miss.

Kazumi woke her up at around eight and she was fed and changed, put into a cute baby blue onesie with clouds on it. Uraraka had specifically told Masaru and Mitsuki that she didn’t care about color of clothing for her daughter and didn’t want her daughter to be subjected to the gender dichotomy at two weeks old. Colors didn’t have gender and she was going to dress her daughter up however she wanted.

Kazumi just so happened to look very cute in blue.

Uraraka was just lifting Kazumi from her playpen when the front door swung open, hitting the wall with a loud thud. She blinked wide eyes in that direction and a fuming Bakugou emerged, one fist clenched tight at his side and the other palm flat on the door. Uraraka could see his fist trembling in fury from her position in the middle of the living room.

“Katsuki?” Uraraka’s eyebrows pinched together.

“Uraraka-san!” That did not come from Bakugou, as Bakugou would never be that formal. Instead, it came from three distinct voices, each belonging to Kirishima, Midoriya and Iida respectively.

Well, that explains why Bakugou was so annoyed.

Kirishima, followed by Kaminari, bounded in around Bakugou who seemingly had been trying to block their entrance. He was no match for Kirishima’s mass of muscle though and the two came forward, Iida, Midoriya and Tsuyu following right behind that. Uraraka was still a bit shocked and looked at the familiar faces.

“Oh, hi guys.” It took her a moment to compose herself but when she did she smiled. Kazumi was secure in her arms, awake and blinking big eyes up at her mother. Uraraka let her baby put her tiny hand around one of her fingers but kept her attention on her friends. She had undone the paws on the onesie she was wearing, her other hand still covered so she didn’t scratch herself in her sleep or when she was just wiggling around.

Uraraka was definitely surprised though to see so many of the faces she missed. She hadn’t had much interaction outside of Bakugou and his family, their family. Seeing her friends from school made her light up and feel warm inside. She could have only predicted how the train ride over to their house had been, especially with Kirishima and Kaminari coming along.

“We have come to see how you’ve been doing.” Iida said, glancing from her to Kazumi and then back to Uraraka’s face. She thought it was amusing, knowing he wanted to hold the baby immediately.

“They fucking stalked me here.” Bakugou gruffed and sat down on the couch, holding his arms out for Kazumi. Uraraka graciously placed her in his arms and Bakugou held the baby possessively against his chest, glaring at the faces of their classmates.

“You said we could come!” Kaminari shouted and Bakugou bared his teeth, holding Kazumi closer when she started squirming a bit.

“Shut the fuck up.” Bakugou spit.

Uraraka felt an incredible amount of pride seeing Bakugou being so protective over their daughter. It was almost surreal, him being so gentle when he was always so brash. He held Kazumi like she was delicate china and really, she was. “Be sure not to squish her.” Uraraka reminded and Bakugou shifted his grip on her, no complaints.

It was amazing how parenthood could change somebody, even if that parent wasn’t around as often as the other.

Kirishima poked his head real close to Kazumi’s. “She’s so small.”

“She’s a baby you fuckwit! Don’t get too close, if you breathe on her she’ll die.”

“She will not die.” Iida declared and began rummaging in his bag. “It is very important that we clean our hands before we hold the baby so it doesn't get any illnesses we may be carrying.”

“Who the hell said I was going to let you hold her, Four Eyes?!” Bakugou barked but it seemed like all of them ignored him as they squirted hand sanitizer into their hands. Uraraka didn’t have any gripes about letting the five of them hold Kazumi but her boyfriend looked like he was about to snap at anybody who came in a five foot radius of him.

Uraraka placed a hand on his shoulder and Bakugou jolted at the soft touch. “They can hold her.”

“They’re all fucking idiots, they’ll drop her!” Bakugou argued.

Tsuyu ribbited and placed a finger to her lips. “I thought fatherhood might mellow you out, Bakugou-kun, but looks like I was wrong.”

“A-Asui-san….” Midoriya said nervously.

Bakugou looked like he wanted to lunge but the baby in his arms kept him seated. He never had any problems picking a fight with any gender.

“Katsuki, they came all this way to see her.” Uraraka didn’t want to have to wrestle Kazumi out of his arms but would if he didn’t give their friends a chance to hold her. They held each other’s eyes in an aggressive gaze for a couple of beats before Bakugou sighed and relinquished his short hold on her. Uraraka lifted her and rounded the couch, bringing her to the center of the little semicircle their friends had created.

“This is Bakugou Kazumi.” Uraraka introduced with a soft smile. All of their mouths dropped in awe as they stared at the tiny wrinkled creature in her arms. Kazumi’s eyes were half open and she couldn’t decided who to focus on, so many new faces beginning to overwhelm her.

“Who wants to be the first to hold her?” Uraraka asked, ignoring the sharp intake of breath coming from the blonde behind her.

“Me, me, me!” Kirishima was bouncing excitedly.

“You better sit the fuck down.” Bakugou warned, spreading out on the couch so Kirishima had no choice but to sit in the armchair. “If you drop her it’ll be the last thing you do.”

Kirishima pouted but sat down in the chair, holding his arms out. Uraraka instructed him on how to properly support her and laid her in his arms, watching Kirishima’s face morph from excitement to nervousness.

“I can’t do this.” Kirishima said immediately, looking down at her face.

Uraraka laughed and kneeled in front of him. “Don’t want to hold her anymore?”

“No, I’m gonna drop her, please-” Uraraka lifted the baby from his arms and Kirishima fell back with a dramatic sigh. “That was too much pressure.”

“Fucking piss baby.” Bakugou mumbled under his breath.

“I would like a turn!” Iida raised his hand high and then placed it tight by his side when Uraraka rose onto the balls of her face and walked over to him. She repeated what she had told Kirishima, saying the same thing to both Kaminari and Tsuyu after they were done holding Kazumi. Bakugou had put up a strong fight about Kaminari holding Kazumi because of the nature of his quirk. He didn’t want her to accidentally zap her and in all honesty Uraraka was a little nervous about that too.

“I have perfect control of my quirk!” Kaminari sniffed and Uraraka sighed, allowing him to hold her. There were no shocks present and it seemed like Kazumi enjoyed being in his arms most, eyes widening as Kaminari blew raspberries at her. She couldn’t smile yet but Uraraka had no doubt that if Kazumi could, she would be the smiliest baby ever. Uraraka couldn’t wait to see her baby girl smile.

Things boiled over when Uraraka went to place Kazumi in Midoriya’s arms.

“Absolutely not.” Bakugou stood and got in between them. Midoriya blinked up at Bakugou and Uraraka sighed. She knew Bakugou would be childish over this.

“Katsuki-”

“I’m not going to let my daughter be tainted by this fucking nerd.”

“Kacchan-”

“If the only insult you can come up with is ‘nerd’ then I think your opinion is overridden.” Tsuyu said matter of factly.

“Did I ask for your opinion you goddamn toad?” Bakugou said, not even casting her a glance.

“Hey!” Uraraka frowned and bounced Kazumi a little when she noticed her face scrunching up, getting ready to start wailing. “If you’re going to be nasty then you leave. You’re not the only one who gets to make decisions about my daughter. And since you didn’t even want her in the first place, you shouldn’t even get a say!” She knew that she was playing dirty and the hurt that flashed through fiery irises made her chest clench. But all Bakugou did was turn around and stomp up the stairs.

With an exhale, Uraraka turned once more to Midoriya with her usual gentle smile on her face. “Do you still want to hold her?”

Midoriya nervously glanced at the staircase. Uraraka knew he was waiting for Bakugou to pop back out and start screaming at him, but it didn’t come. “Oh no, no, no, I don’t think th-that’s such a good idea.”

Uraraka smiled and kissed Kazumi’s head. She had calmed down, no waterworks, only curious eyes scanning the room and landing on Midoriya’s face. The two shared a look and Midoriya squared his shoulders like he was preparing for an epic battle.

“I’ll hold her.” Midoriya decided.

Uraraka gently laid her in his arms and Midoriya was clearly nervous but he cradled her as he had heard the others be instructed. Supporting her head, supporting her bottom, holding her securely but not too tight. He was a natural. Again, Uraraka wondered what he would be like as a parent. But he wasn’t the one who held her heart. The one who did was sulking upstairs, trying to control his emotions.

“She looks like Kacchan.” Midoriya mused.

“Well she is his daughter.” Uraraka stated with a little laugh.

“A miracle, truly.” Kaminari mumbled and Kirishima elbowed him in the ribs, telling him not to be a dick. Uraraka was kind of grateful for that. She knew she made a poor choice though it was the right choice for her. She and Bakugou fit together like two puzzle pieces; perfectly.

Midoriya held Kazumi for a little while before returning her to Uraraka’s arms. She started crying a little, fake tears, tears that said she didn’t want to leave the warmth of Midoriya’s embrace. Uraraka placed a pacifier in her mouth and wiped her tears, cooing at her daughter. When she looked up, all five of her classmates were looking at her with a strange expression on their faces.

“What is it?” Uraraka asked nervously.

Iida cleared his throat. “You have changed, Uraraka.”

Uraraka’s smile was wavering. “Is that good or bad?”

Iida shook his head. “It is very good. You are happy and that is all that matters to us. You deserve happiness.”

Uraraka’s brown eyes watered and she closed them for a moment, regaining her composure. “Thank you.” She was glad somebody thought so.

Iida returned her smile and the five of them stayed for a couple more minutes before departing. Uraraka took to spending more time with Kazumi for the rest of the night and put her down after they all ate dinner. She pumped some more breast milk (that was uncomfortable) and made up three bottles before she finally confronted Bakugou in his room.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” She said, standing in the doorway.

Bakugou looked up from his phone and nodded. “You better be.”

“Don’t be like that.” Uraraka’s shoulders slumped.

Bakugou stood and walked to her slowly. Uraraka knew better than to back away; she had nothing to be afraid of. His warm, blistered palms came up to cup her face gently, red eyes meeting hers like they had hours before. “Deku makes me so fucking mad.”

“Why?” Uraraka whispered. “Why couldn’t you just put aside your differences? Don’t you want me to be happy? Iida does. They all do. You constantly go out of your way to provoke me or somebody else. Or get a reaction out of us.”

“I know.” Bakugou spoke through clenched teeth. “God I fucking know it. I just… I can’t… Fuck.” He always had a hard time putting his thoughts into words. Uraraka was patient, she always was.

“I don’t want Kazumi growing up without you. I don’t want her to grow up with her father being angry all the time and yelling at me and us arguing. I want this to work. But you have to work on yourself first.” Uraraka explained.

Bakugou’s brows creased. “Are you dumping me?”

“No!” Uraraka shook her head quickly. “I want to help you. For us. For Kazumi. Let go of that anger. Tell me about your worries. I was the only one talking in the beginning, I think you owe me the same.”

Bakugou released a trembling breath. “Fine.”

They moved to Uraraka’s room where Kazumi was sleeping just in case she woke up and needed them. They leaned against the pillows facing each other, Bakugou taking her fingers in his hand, pressing on fingernails and the pads of her fingers. The whole time he spoke quietly of his nightmares and his PTSD to every single shitty thing that happened in their first year of UA that were still affecting him.

It was the closest they had been in a while. Uraraka felt like she learned more about Bakugou in those couple of hours than she had in their entire relationship. And it was wonderful . This was what Uraraka wanted, to feel closer to him, to feel like they were an actual couple.

Falling asleep with their fingers twined together, their sleeping baby girl in her bassinet beside them, things were definitely starting to piece together quickly. All the puzzle pieces surrounding theirs were coming together, beginning to finish the picture.