#like ive seen ppl call gg

[lazyspeedy]

kinda wild to me that ppl will watch something and only like idkkkkk..they leave with only the aesthetic of the thing

[bluebeetle]

ppl trying to tell me im wrong about ky naming his son “sin” outta catholic guilt on that GG post about Sin like noooo this is canon, or at least implied to be. 

 Ky couldn’t even meet his son’s eyes for months at first, he has a lot of very deep seated issues about Sin during the Overture short stories.

 “it’s because it sounds cool/named after a song” sure but also like. Daisuke isn’t stupid he knows enough English to know what he’s naming his character and he can have an in-story reason for it too, especially for the yknow. Extremely Religious Guy. C’mon the Wiki page doesnt say it outright but it alludes to it:

“ After being together for about a year, their son Sin was born. While Ky loved his wife and son, he was also filled with guilt: the "sin" of loving a Gear, but also Dizzy and Sin being forced to live in hiding.[27] The downcast Ky avoided eye-contact with Sin, which made his son wonder if Ky even cared for them.[49] Sin soon started to hate Ky,[50] refusing to call him "dad" as he grew up “

 it’s really not a stretch to say what is implied: that Sin is named that because of Ky’s guilt and religious issues.

then again ive seen people get really mad about people saying Ky has Sin’s right eye even though that’s definitely canon too and is also implied in the overture stories

anyways im just rly mad bc ppl kept telling me im wrong and even deleting my comment on a post (and SAYING THEY DID SO) because im wrong but im fucking not. its at least implied if nothing else cmonnnnnn

[luvyeni]

the amount of hate i see abt unforgiven is actually crazy i feel like ppl where excepting something as good as antifragile (dont get me wrong unforgiven is good antifragile was just something else) ive seen ppl say its their flop era or its so cocky and stuff like its really not tho and the amount of slander yunjin is getting for her rap is even crazy like yea it was corny but it still slays and at the end of the day majority of kpop gg songs lyrics are soo idk why ppl want le sserafim to flop anyways really felt like i needed to rant they are amazing and talented they deserve all the love and support

i got unforgiven the first time, i love it. of course it's not anti fragile , but it's still good. my opinion on yunjins rap is is it's pretty for someone who clearly isn't a rapper. everyone has their own opinion but to call it their flop era i wild because we know it's really not, kpop stans have lost the meaning to what a flop is and will call anything a flop.

[thewantedunwanted]

Interviewer: First off, let's put a CW (Content Warning) for Suicide/Ideation here for folks.

Continuing on the last post, which visited the topic of death and people caring for other people. I was recently made aware of gg's decision to end his life once OMC's elderly ESA (emotional support animal) passes away. Is that still his plan?

OMC:

It appears so.

Interviewer:

And you reached out to gg's friend when you learned of it?

OMC:

Yes.

Interviewer:

What were you hoping to accomplish?

OMC:

Yes, I reached out to gg's and my close friend. We'll call them "D". I wasn't yet able to articulate to myself or the rest of our system why I was reaching out. Just that gg was hurting, feeling rejected, feeling that ppl saw him as bad. Seeing 5 years of pandemic isolation stretching out into infinity. And now his ideation had formed into a fleshed out plan. It was too much to hold by myself, with most of our system asleep, it's mostly me and him.

Since the call, Ive realized I wanted this person to reach out to him, reach him in ways I can't. gg and I are very close. But there is also tension there and mistrust. I've caused him a fair amount of emotional harm trying to manage my social anxiety. My management has come at great cost to his own autonomy and happiness.

Interviewer:

How did that call go?

OMC:

It was by text, actually. Um. It went terribly. My approach wasnt good. I didnt make any requests for them to do anything. I didnt yet know why I was reaching out. This person, D, is his best friend. D then became my best friend after the two of us met and got to know each other. D's reaction was to get protective of me, instead of gg. Saying essentially gg should go into hybernation rather than murdering me and the others. It landed in all of his most vulnerable spots.

I didnt mention to D that gg asked the rest of us to come with him. Or that I hadn't said "no"... I-we, have accomplished a lot in our lives. Literally history changing accomplishments. Our over-name is in a queer history book. Even that whole thing aside, we've been involved in wildly successful international projects. Our work is used in schools across the US and in various other countries. Volunteer. So, Im not money bags. The opposit really Id be homeless so easily. Have been a few times. That's aside. See, I get especially restless when Im not working on a project. The more disabled I become, the harder that is. The louder volume the pain and discomfort in my body registers. And with the covid 19 pandemic, the apathy of the majority of not only the planet, but my inner social group. Watching people become disabled, die. Knowing if I get covid, I'll likely die or become further disabled. And realizing there is yet another way I'm separated. These are good people. They would be, because I'm picky. They arent apathetic because they don't care. Their brains have reached capacity and shut something off where we used to be on similar pages. People arent randomly dying and being disabled. Other people are killing and disabling them. Maybe, probably, some of my closest friends are killing and disabling others. And to them Im just someone with anxiety and ocd. Unreliable because Im mentally ill. Regardless of the vast amounts of primary source research I did. My intellect was celebrated before the pandemic. Then it was just suspect.

So, I found a local group of people who I at least had pandemic hygiene in common with. And I liked. I put on free disaster preparedness classes. It was something. It was important. gg stayed out of the space. hybernating often. waking miserable, angry, unbearably sad. He wasnt prone to depression. That was more my thing. He's hyper-social. He needs people like I need a purpose. He begged to finally join the group. I knew it was important. I didnt realize the total depth of the significance

He joined and lit up. I havent seen him blossom like that since we graduated uni and before most of his friends eventually moved away. It was so good. Until, in a day, it wasnt.

He told a moderator "no". He hadnt broken a rule. The moderator wanted the rules to be different. And we had a friend cross a boundary attempting to recruit me to help manage gg. It was rapid dominos from there. The fallout hit him like a sledge hammer. And it didnt miss me. In one fell swoop, he was out of the group and I was shunned in the group. Not by everyone. But when you go from well-liked to barely interacted with, it's a knife.

So here's one of my most precious people, gg. He's been hurting for years on years, sleeping and waking in worse shape each time. He asks me to help end that pain. To do so, it requires me to walk into the dark with him. If our ESA werent here and he asked today, the answer is an easy given. A tilted take on the trolly problem, no? 6 months from now? 2 years? I told him I didnt have an answer yet. Life may have changed, for either of us. Hopefully for both of us.

The others? Similarly waking for short periods of time after months or years pass, all of their friends moved on with their lives, disappeared, or dead. No longer peers in the same age group. hell, gg's in the body of a 40yo. Even before his stints of hybernation, he's always been younger than the body, complicated by being an age slider with the heart of an 8 year old. Parts of him have finally arrived to his early 20s. But look around, a 20 yo forming a friendship or relationships with someone in a 40yo system?? Ive asked gg to not date anyone under 30. A very uncomfortable compromise for me personally, 30 is younger than I would prefer. And he is young to be dating 30yos...

He's more impervious than some. But he's also an increadably tender kid. Carrying so much disapproval from others. From me. It gets through and causes damage.

We've arrived here.

Interviewer:

Your thoughts on Joel's trolly problem decision in the video game The Last of Us?

OMC:

Depends who you ask. Amy's take on the trolly problem years back was, "Even if I love someone, I would sacrifice them (or myself) for the greater good." Ask gg and... "quantity aint quality. maybe the other ppl suck. for sure my life would suck more without this person. aint doin it."

Interviewer:

Ok. So gg wont sacrifice someone he cares about. Would he sacrifice himself for strangers?

OMC:

That is a more difficult question. Has he ever talked to them? Does someone he cares about know them? Are they an actor playing a character he likes? If the answer is "no", there is a chance that they won't register as real people to him. Will he perceive the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"? Or the equivalent of "gg and 10 cardboard cut outs"? Like I would imagine for most people, he would not sacrifice hinself to rescue cardboard.

Interviewer: Say he registers the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"?

OMC:

Putting the trolly problem aside, do you care about strangers?

Interviewer:

I mean, sure.

OMC:

Why?

Interviewer:

Because they are people. I don't want bad things to happen to people whether or not I know them.

OMC:

But, why?

Interviewer:

[ x ]

OMC:

Leaving the theoretical, gg has protected a stalker at risk to his own safety. This stalker, we'll call "R", was previously a friend who became dangerously fixated when we wouldnt date her and we refused to end things with a friend gg was sleeping with. R threatened to kill us, broke into someone's else's house to steal our (necessary) new phone number, and so on. Serious stalker situation. The following incident was after the university tried to prohibit R from approaching us on the grounds or being in the same building with us. But took place before they expelled her and put a restraining order on her entering school grounds.

R shows up to a bar gg is at. We notice her because there's a commotion. R has gotten into an animated verbal sparring match of some sort with a random, drunk bar patron. Said patron is a sturdy dude. At a point, bar patron has gotten up from his seat, rounded on R and looks ready to violently put his hands on her. gg has gotten up by this point, pulls R behind him and apologizes to the guy, got him bantering, smoothes things over. It could have gone very differently.

Why would someone protect their own stalker? R was, maybe still is, a more than theoretical person to gg. People matter very much to gg. He just lives in a sparsely populated world.

Would he sacrifice himself for strangers? It's a toss up. Once you're at least on the same plane of real/likely real, he'll decide in the moment.

Disappointingly Necessary Disclaimer:

gg isn't a serial killer. or any kind of killer. He has never even been in a fist fight. He's not mean to animals either. People with DID are more likely to be the recipients of violence than the purpetrators. When someone in a system does violence, it is likely to be defensive of self or others. Some people, plural or not, can be violent. But it is not a distingushing trait for people with DID.

[chanyoungies]

i'm gonna b soooo crazy bc i want to know a lot jdksngjhs 1, 2, 18, 23, 30 (sorry <3), and 40 for donghan reestablish urself as a the donghantual 🎤

would u look at that i thought abt this for literal days n my answers havent gotten any better from day 1 <3 anyways it's about time i finally answer this uve waited long enough im sowwy erieri i lov u thank u for asking thank u for waiting

1. who do you most want to take care of?

honestly u know what . im pretty certain im just fundamentally incapable of taking care of people . but that aside . like . like definitely most of husband n bf/gf lines which once again is like . just most ppl in general . but like in a mutual love n care kinda way . BUT like that aside bc that feels like . an obvious answer,, jiheon my daughter? shes my daughter i better take care of her u know...

nd admittedly not answering the question here as these r suppsoed to be bias asks nd they arent my biases but i just want to mention that . as u know i think we as a society should baby youngtae more. he deserves to be cared for in a way more babying way than he currently is and im about to make it MY job. + minhee bc hes my younger brother-shaped bestie like hes my younger brother like hes not but he is but hes not but he is i havent like fully decided whether he is or not but like he is .

2. who do you most want to take care of you?

ok so this is like . like not to b me but like . Like literally anyone fr . like 85% of my bias list like . but the first thoughts whenever i tried to consider this were swoo / sik !! also they'd def do it in a v different way but also lino / chanhee

18. any groups where you have a hard time picking a bias at all?

hmmm i usually spot someone im interested in p quickly when i check out a group even if that person doesn't end up sticking? i maybe tend to like . branch out a lot more as time goes by so it's more of like . it's not that i'm struggling to pick a bias im just like actually slowly falling for everyone . . . but i usually am still mostly attached to like my earlier picks?? ik i switched between biases a lot in got7 & mx.... and i think i perhaps struggle more w ggs? but that's prob bc 1) i watch less content for them since 2) i think i may be trying to get less attached to them bc they like....idk if they actually statistically do but it feels like they tend to disappear and/or disband more often like ..? or maybe its post-pristin trauma

OH TBZ & SF9 (& up10tion to an extent) ... at this point i have literally biased almost all of them at some point ... sf9 feels like i settled more than tbz my tbz ranking will always be a mess idk whats going on w that like ever . ox are interesting because i HAVE a set in stone . set of biases that i feel V strongly about but like i do . like like a lot of the other members too sdbk

23. any particular clips or pics that you find comforting of a bias?

the entirety of hwan's ig live from his birthday/the evening before his birthday..................................................................... the entirety of hyuk's guitar vlive w jeonghoon (200817) (nd all of hyuk's guitar vlives ive seen so far rlly) . idk if i would call jeonghoon's dance class vlives comforting but like maybe i would idk ... the replay one in particular (200923)!! that one vity dorm vlive (wonjin & taeyoung ft allen n mini?) . all of the vlives ive seen have been comforting to me i think at least to a degree ?? 2min dekira all of it for real . oui go up s2 in particular i think.. any clips or pics of dal

bouncy kangsung <3 no no seungmin <3 i get all my life energy from this <3 this itzy clip is rlly rlly comforting <3 190817 hwan the story fancam <3 ox play dumb (my cut specifically) <3

30. are there any songs that make you think of them?

just ask for my wanji playlist directly if u want it so bad </3

as u . probably know i like . am obsessed n thus i could probably find a few songs for any of my biases (nd even not biases.) cover-wise so u know what im gonna put that aside we will not b mentioning any of that. we will put away songs that i associate w them bc they are like Actually connected to them in any way. just so that u dont have to read this for the next 50 hours .

i made a mistake and now i associate hwan w cignature's boyfriend & 1d kiss you (nd a few more but im not about to make a fool of myself nope u domt need to know just how bad it is) . nd there's nothing i can do about that . i just have to live like this now . jeonghoon w hey violet hoodie & waterparks dream boy & svt kidult & chungha cherry kisses . jay w sabrina carpenter's diamonds are forever & hey violet queen of the night & ed sheeran take me back to london . beomgyu w avril lavigne's sk8ter boy & allstar weekend hey princess & the summer set lightning in a bottle . yeonjun w loote are you sure? & sasha alex sloan matter to you & nightly twenty something

n junseo once again Not a bias but . yena's pretty boys & purkiss hate me hurt me love me

40. express how much they mean to you no limit ramble as much as you want (donghan edition i know what u tried to do there and i appreciate it an insane amount but im like idk if i have anything to say actually)

i feel like my favourite clip that i think about every single day of my life says it all actually . i don't like . Actually have a lot to say i just love men who are highkey annoying and they Know it his huge puppy energy (puppy that is huge energy) (also he's not a puppy he's just a big dog who doesn't realize he's not a puppy anymore) is everything to me . i love annoying men . please be mine . he also has this laugh that's like RLLY rlly nice to listen to (n he looks so cute when he laughs) . his blinking . habit?? is also endearing !! also he sang late night call which like deserves to be mentioned on its own. it's actually like kinda funny to me that i AM attached to him as much as i am because like i don't think i even remembered his name when he was in jbj? (didnt pay any attention to him anyway for sure) and i actually- and this is about to be shocking and it will feel like a betrayal etc and i am v ashamed of myself . but i didn't like sunset when it first came out . and it didnt help that i didnt like good night kiss either (this one didnt change much im still not a Huge fan . i do see it differently now after all this time tho like i do like her to an extent . shes his worst tt tho) . but focus changed my life (real) and at some point i just magically became obsessed w sunset n im pretty sure that was a WHILE before we got news of oui debuting a group so i was just sitting in my room being like when is this man coming back im obsessed w him now he cannot just fully disappear (n shes waiting for a solo cb to this day oui ent im on my knees) . he's not my fave performer prob not even in wei but like you can See how much he cares nd that's like so .......... sooooo !!! u know? also once again he just has an aura u know . as a performer . idk eri i cant rant about most ppl i like when im asked to im sorry i know u tried to help me out there but

[hellokenmaz]

thoughts on... see-through clothes? thoughts on... cutesy gg concepts? thoughts on... songs sounding like other songs? thoughts on... people saying '[...] will be the new BTS'? thoughts on... kpop getting a hype in the western music world? thoughts on... (over-?)sexualized minor idols? thoughts on... rainbow hair? thoughts on... scifi concepts? thoughts on aesthetics vs story mvs? just pick whichever one(s) you like! 😊

One of my favourite tops is a see-through top! Its dark green and its really pretty. If you have the want and or confidence to wear these types of clothes I say go for it!!! My fav style rn is see-through tops with those cute crop tops!!

I like any girl group concept as long as the girls doing it are comfortable and happy doing it!! My fav releases are a lot of cute concepts!!!

My thoughts on song sounding like other songs is i like it, I go through phases of really enjoying one type of sound or structure of a song and hunt for other like it.

I dont like bts and comparing groups to them isn't really constructive or that high of a praise in my personal opinion. So that's my thoughts on calling someone the next bts, I dont see that as a goal or something.

My thoughts on kpop getting hype in the western world... certainly has changed a lot of things, I dont enjoy the obsession with numbers and things or streaming, its taken too seriously by a lot of ppl.

My mind is blank for any sci-fi concepts besides like the few ive seen, interesting thing when done.

My thoughts on the hyper-sexualisation of minor idols is that its disgusting, the way that certain people exhibit certain behaviours around this conversation is interesting? Idk. I've mentioned the sexualisation of idols on my blog before and the whole boyfriend persona that company's press onto idols but yeah.

Rainbow hair is cool and anyone who gets it is cool but I could never, my hair is purple rn tho.

Story mvs are interesting, a lot of the older ones got a bit complex and deep but no a days they are more simple. Love pretty mvs too.

[jensungf]

nooo pls dont post less!!!!!! i need your cute lil posts about everything 😔🥺 yes cancer sun moon leo!! thats me uwu n i watch football a LOT LOT i love it so much, but its the kind that americans call soccer btw hahaha culture difference ✨ n no its not my bday!! its taeyongs bday!!! but we didnt go for lunch bc of that (or maybe we did 🤔) but my friend n i are quite close so we went for lunch bc of that!!! n also!! no need to be productive? whos that anyway, idk her :p red anon p1 💃

sooo for things i got!! some new converse shoes (black ones), an nct album 🙈 (pulled the bday boy uwuwuwu), handcream, somestickers n some cards bc im almost out of birthday cards to send/give! n yes i stan some other groups!! my faves are day6, red velvet n got7, but theres many more that i like! especially girlgroups hihi, basically day6 got7 and nct21 are the only boys i stan and i like to write but i dont publish it much bc im an insecure potato n theres an about me carrd if you dig p2/3 💃

omg this is becoming such a spam HAHAHAHAHAH ive been on tumblr for years upon years, although this account is on the newer side!! also i remembered i LOVE ITZY SO MUCH theyre definitely also in my faves! i think i also said in my deleted ask that i had been working on a header for a story ill most likely wont write skskskks how do you find motivation/inspiration uwu do you have any plans for today!! -red skirt anon 💃

ima put my response underneath hehe to avoid spamming ppls dash <3

ur so cute bub ily my posts are deadass shit posts but ok <333 excuse me if im being a bit dry hksdhjs im half awake like always hehe and i will be on the lookout for that 😳😳 and hakjd i figured hehe but omfg do u play football? and thats so cute nonetheless!!! i hope u n ur friend had fun hehe taeyong’s spirit appreciates ur hangout dedicated to him <3 and unfortunately i have chores to do and errands to run :cc and OMGGG YAY THOSE R ALL GOOD SPENDS OMG but thats so much money bub?? ru rich 😳😳😳 chenle vibes my dear

hahaha jk ofc but i havent had black converse since my emo phase when i was 11 omg i bet they look so cute on u! i prefer black chuck taylors/hightops hehe wbu bub? also which album did u buy!!! ur blessed by the bday boy himself how adorable 🥺 ooo do u get any specific brand or scent of hand cream? i rly like the tonymoly rose scented ones haha but i ran out :c and i LOVE STICKERS my little sister has a lot and i always steal from her!! she usually uses them in her bujo haha do u use them for fun or on ur art/bujo? and thats so cute omfg stocking up on bday cards is something kinda traditional no one does anymore but thats so cute <333 i admire ur tast ein doing things

omg i dont stan any of those groups besides got7 and unfortunately i havent stanned any gg since sistar disbanded but who r ur biases bub?? ive listened to some day6 but if u have any recs lmkkkk and rv r queens <3 and ive heard about itzy!! i dont know too much about them but theyre all stunning and iconic queens (ive seen ryujin and lia hahaha) 

omg bub ur not an insecure potato,, i would lov to read ur writings and i bet theyre amazing! everyone has room for improvement but dont be shy hehe im sure ur writings would pique everyones interest! and time to go digging thru all my moots again round 2 hhhh 

and its ok hehehe thats pretty cool! ive been on tumblr since like,, 2015 or sum but like i fell out for two yrs and remade in march this yr haha so i feel u and OMG HEADERS i had the most trouble making headers cus i usually find a random pic of them i think is nice and slap on some txt using canva and call it a day!! id love to see ur header!! what do u use to make it?? (++ pls write a story for it i would love to read it 🥺🥺) and honestly idk sometimes inspo randomly hits and my motivation fluctuates!! like rn my wip is flopping cus i dont have any motivation to sit down and write but some of my other stories are spur of the moment writings hahah like better together or jsmr bc i was watching jenos jsmr fails or i fell off my bike and i decided to get inspired while sitting on the couch ahkdhfks so i think its diff for everyone!

and no hehe i dont besides doing stuff online for my fam and /hopefully/ making progress on my wip :c wbu bub???

[angelthesis]

did u hear the nmixx debut song it’s so badddd and it’s somehow still charting lmao i swear their stans just feel guilty and obliged because the girls are apparently getting so much hate for it but honestly all ive seen people say is that it’s jyps fault for giving them such a shit start to their career… anyway this hivemind culture is a disease ppl on twitter don’t let u say anything in fear it’ll offend someone. cant we just call a song shit and go 😭 nobody said anything about the girls being untalented ugh anyway i think gg stans just piss me off in general lol

u see the thing is that if u say u dislike a song ppl think ur saying the members of the group are little talentless worthless bitches and they deserve to die like girl..... its a bad SONG 😐 but also thats twt for u i dont go there for a reason kpop stans are all annoying not only gg stans tbh they all deserve each other

[loi-et-love]

NF: You charmer.

I: heh today, i spent so much time with SZ. My boss left at 5:15 n then i was at SZ's desk chitchatting with him. we left together n then we were in the basement till 7:15 talking. standing outside our cars n then he said lets go! you need to go home so we left n he gets more traffic than i do, so he texts me when he';s stuck, so this time i texted him when i was waiting for the signal to turn green n then he called me. we spoke for 6 mins. he reached 15 mins before i reached home n he wrote this: Is it you or if should be me scared ..... today I was down for one hours ..... I was emailing you 70 odd mails .... this is because you are in office ..... what would happen when you are not in this company you would forget me and find someone else ...... so who is the one to be heart broken ????? You keep saying I would go abroad ..... but look at yourself it's you who is going to leave me and go ...... any clue how I would feel when you are gone and stop talking to me as much ? And WTF ...... I am already missing you ..... you are right I should have hugged you before leaving and then got in to back seat. And the reason I didn't kiss was ..... I don't know what you think about me or what you would think about me after that.

in the basement, he came up with a stupid plan. he said "im not entertainment" i said ure not. nor are you a distraction!!" so he said, "okay so let's do this. starting from tomorrow, we won't talk/chat/ communicate till thursday" he's gg to out of town again for work on tuesday morning n coming back on wednesday night so ill see him on monday n then on thursday

NF: It would give your fingers a chance to rest.

I: so in the chat he said "we will talk on thursday" n i said "i cant do that. n i know u cant either" n then i said this "damn yaar.. this is fucked up! idk where the flirting ends and reality begins anymore!!" n he said "Agreed it's getting fucked up ..... so either enjoy this or stop this ..... this between thing is insane" ok! again! i dont believe he's really interested. like really interested. if he wudnt be married, he wud actually date me. BTW he knows about BB. the whole story

NF: You don't believe he's really interested??? You mean like he'd marry you?

I: i never think its possible. not that he wud marry me. no no no

NF: That's pretty hard to tell. You guys are in the super excited phase.

I: hehehehe its crazy yeah

NF: He'd be VERY happy to jump your bones though.

I: i dont think he wud actually do it. theres no air conditioning or fan in the basement so we were sweating. he used his hanky, which i didnt even knew he carried

NF: I estimate a 99% chance that he would.

I: so he joked that lets sit in the back seat of his car n i said lets go!! i said it a couple of times. n he said nahhhh no no. he just didn’t

NF: You've said no more a couple of times and you kid all the time, so he knows you are kidding. If you actually kissed him, like he's thinking about, excellent chance he wouldn't stop.

I: idk how this is possible

NF: When you are used to having sex, once you get riled up you want to keep going. It feels natural. And you have him riled up. Way riled up.

I: hehehehehh so when u said "you charmer" i grinned... hehehe idk. i really like him. n im not that person where i enjoyed n i left without giving a damn. i really care about him

NF: You really like him

I: yeah. i wudnt mind kisisng him but he's married. and then i'll officially be the "other woman"

NF: You already are. You're way past that.

I: i think ive always been just that. now im ready to see him outside office. he was shocked,. i told him when he had called me. i texted him the reason why i changed my mind

NF: You feeling the flames yet?? Heh. Playing with fire! Unless you really do want to have an affair with this married guy.

I: I don't want to do something immoral. Don't want to sabotage his marriage

NF: You already are doing that.

I: I asked him today how is his wife okay with you traveling so much?! Cause I wouldn't be okay! N he didn't answer. He said he did flirt with women after he was married. Nothing scandalous. I told him, “damn yaar.. this is fucked up! idk where the flirting ends and reality begins anymore!!” And he said, “Agreed it's getting fucked up ..... so either enjoy this or stop this ..... this between thing is insane” What does he mean by 'between things'??

NF: You are all hot for each other but not having an affair. You have gone to way more than friends. So not friends, not lovers, something in between.

I: idk. Me? Relationship? Me lovers? What???????

NF: That's what I think he means by "between thing"

I: And what? What aboutBB? My feelings for him?! They haven't gone anywhere

NF: You and SZ are about 95% of the way to having an affair.

I: My mom called why I was late. N I said I was in the basement talking n she asked who was I talking to? So I said "hmmmmm SZ..." n she mimicked me. And that's my mom !!!! On top of everything. As if he's my 24 yo unmarried going to marry me boyfriend

NF: heh

I: He took a risk to talk to me for so long in the basement. Everybody knows him in the office. He's a family friend of the owner. He calls him uncle. Was telling me about the paintings the owner has in his bathroom!!

NF: I wish you well in this. I hope you figure out what you really want.

I: i want to have an affair but im scared to begin n of how it will end

NF: Some people regret what that will do to the wife. Some don't.

I: he responded n said "nothing. see you on thursday"

NF: He could have seriously mixed feelings too

I: He was telling me that he wrote this huge email to me n in reply I sent him a longer email than his so he came to that n he's like "and yes! That was a long email! That was the longest email ive ever seen!!" I said but you wrote a long one too. So he said "yeah but I'm in a hotel room. I'm in shorts, doing nothing but just writing to you n answering to GC's phone calls. But you're in office!!!!" He was surprised. He was like "I started reading n I'm like why isn't this ending?!! Where the hell does this end?" Heheheheh n he was laughing. when he had called today, he tells me that when he responds to my emails, there's my pic in the right. so his colleagues, with whom I also talk, have seen him emailing me. They probably have read a little bit here n there too. n thats when i knew how he wud feel if i told him that H sir n Kaalu knows we email n that Kaalu has read a few too. im not including you in this

NF: So now people in the office are thinking you two are having an affair? That might discourage your boss.

I: heheheeh. SZ said ppl have noticed that we two talk a lot. that GC's secretary gave him the eyes n also taunted him saying "pay attention to work n stop getting involved with women!" it makes sense bcz SZ n i have nothing in common. why wud we even start a conversation????

NF: Oh, no work reason to talk

I: thats what he loves about me. he had very few conversations with ppl around him n nobody could hold a conversation. even relating to work. n then there's me!! who spoke about all nonsense crap n still it was interesting

[kyandice]

I HATE SCHOOL

Im just prolly writing all my thoughts I’m having everyday.

Smol print: This is a post which i might edit everyday if i have the time, and its technically a very cheesy dairy.

(10/01/2017)

Maybe i just cant study at all. My PEM is now teaching me a module this semester and he’s asking me to pay more attention during classes. Thing is, i dont even talk in class. I’ve been trying so hard to concentrate in class but i just dont understand any fucking thing. Seems like i failed CEP and Mr Herman wants to meet me after PEM class.

Lol, and i wanted to skip PEM class so Bryan doesnt have to wait that long for me. And lmao idk where i placed my contact lens (it wasnt even in my bag). Without my contact lens im not gg to Tkd training. I hope my lenses are somewhere at home PLEASE. It would take me another 2 weeks for me to get my contacts after ordering it.

Okay whatever, back to me not being able to concentrate in class. So yeah, i just dont understand anything and i end up staring into blank space or maybe start daydreaming. I think i failed Inorganic Chem and Math too. Idk im just worried for myself and my GPA. ok no, im mot worried about myself. Im more worried about me failing 2 or more modules and my PEM has to meet my parents, it’s gna be a disaster. Im so gna be fucked up. I just have no motivation for everything else.

Its really hard juggling a relationship, studies and CCAs too. Okay, for my situation, it isn’t really that bad. But maybe after a long run, im really worried that it might turn out bad someday. Im like typing this as I’m nearly breaking down in lecture and im holding myself so hard back to stop tearing up. Maybe im just too fucking paranoid, i think too much i just overthink too much and i hate it, it screws me up. People ask me what i would actually do if he starts getting cold again. Maybe I’ll miss him too much and start getting detached from everything and stop having the motivation to study or do anything in particular altogether. But for now, he’s always waiting for me for like hours just to spend the time with me after classes and i feel really, really fucking bad.

Anyways, U talked to me about his break up that happened a few months ago with J. And apparently, he lost feelings. But he also mentioned that J was really insecure as well, he had alot exes and yeah J was just alittle paranoid and insecure that U might just be playing. (idk why im like writing this maybe i just had to divert my mind somewhere else so i wouldnt cry in lecture) but yeah, U assured J that he was genuine and sincere but J was really guarded and apparently U was starting to get tired of assuring her. So she got paranoid and yea. Then U told me not to get too clingy and obsessive as he might get annoyed by it someday. He might think that it’s cute and sweet now, but someday he might get annoyed and U said that i wouldnt want someone to call me disgustingly clingy and obsessive after breaking up.

So yayyyy, im like really really really really happy these few weeks. He has been really extremellllyyyy sweet to me, he’s treating me really well too. He has been starting to say that he loves me like really constantly and its just reaaaaly reaaaaly sweet. And we had deep talks yay. Ive always suspected that he might some family issues as he always tried to avoid questions about them. But i never wanted to ask him like, i mean, if he wanted and was ready to tell me, he would have. So yay he finally told me idk i just wna hug him forever he’s so precious and vulnerable actually.

(okay fuck there was a 10min break i ran from chemical life science block to training ground and he wasnt there😭😭😭😭😭 so i ran back to science block i was like 1min late but class havent started so thank god. His phone has no battery and he has nothing to do for 2h maybe more cuz i have to meet PEM fuck i feel so bad i want to cry right now. He doesnt have his phone charger so he has nothing to do for 2h and there isnt anyone on training ground so he’ll be alone :(( no i feel fucking bad i want to cry so badly right now, i should’ve asked him to just go home. Now idk where he is im worried that he’s gna be very bored waiting for me fuck)

Gosh i think he went home already. But like if he went home shouldnt his phone have battery. Where is heeee :(( im so worried right now. Where could he actually beeeee :(((( okay imma hunt for him in school. He isnt at south and north canteen. Okay maybe library. He’s not at the library either. Okay maybe he went home and slept but didnt charge his phoneeee :/ shouldnt have asked him to wait for me. Should have just asked him to go home.

So yayyyyy he didnt went home, and actually waited for me. Okay thank god he wasnt alone, he was with raph and a few othr tkd ppl. I was so gna be worried that he might be alone with his phone battery flat, doing nothing. But i guess he was alrighttt.

I want a lip product. Idk lip tint, lipstick, liquid lipstick. idk i just want one. Like i want one red not those bright red, but like orangey lighter kind of shade red.

Fuck, my stye isnt curing. There’s like 2 styes in my left eye.Its sucks, it looks really ugly and digusting. I really hope it gets cured soon.

Apparently, Mr Lee asked Vincent about my bad grades. Lee asked vin like if he knows why my grades are like so bad. And Vin was like, oh, maybe becuz of r/s. But actually it isnt, i have been having bad grades since last sem. Idk i just have no motivation to do anything, i dont understand lectures and tutorials. All i want to do is to breakdown and cry in school everyday.

Okay, so about my contact lenses, it isnt at home. I just couldnt find it. Ive went through all my bags in my room for at least the 5th time already and still i cant find my contact lens. Guess ive lost it. I could have like worn it for another 2 months, god damn it. Now i have to order a new one, and wait for around 2-3weeks for my lens to arrive. 

Y’all might actually ask why i feel insecure without my contact lens. Okay yay let’s start. I might have or might have not mentioned about the guys in my secondary school but yeahhhhh. They are a bunch of idiots which i would probably hold a grudge on them forever. Yes i hold on to grudges pretty long. Apparently the guys in my class hated me so they’ve always teased me and idk i just hated them so much. Okay I dont wanna say that im bullied, it just sounds so weird and idk, i dont people to think that im making a fuss by calling them bullies. But yeah they laugh whenever i answer a teacher’s question, teased me for being ugly, insulted me for alot of things, laughed at me for alot of things too. But ever since i switched to contacts, people started treating me better. Okay, its stupid to think that with contacts, people will treat me better. Maybe, coincidentally the guys in my class have matured when i switched to contacts. So, ever since, i had this thought drilled into my mind that contacts made me look better, and people treat better looking people much better. I mean at first, i thought i was just being silly. Then i started to try things out. I was out with some gatherings from the cosplay community and yeah, they were all strangers. When i’m with my glasses, no one came to talk to me and i wasnt treated as well as when i was wearing my contact lens. When i wore my contact lens, more people were interested to talk to me, i had more attention from people and yeah, i was just treated so much better than i was wearing my glasses. It wasnt the first time something like this happened. I’ve tried many times to different group of strangers and it always seems that wearing contact lenses made people treat me better. It’s kinda silly and childish for me to think like this but ever since ive gotten contacts, i had it drilled in my mind that that it’s how people work. People treat you better when you are better looking. I also felt less insecure and much more confident about myself everytime i wore my contacts. And idk i’ve been depending on contacts ever since to boost up my super low self-esteem.

So If i dont wear contacts in front of you, that would probably mean either. 1) Im very comfortable with you, i trust you alot and i see no problem wearing just glasses and looking unglam in front of you. Or 2) you mean nothing to me, i dont care about you. Examples for 1) would be Roy, Vin ,Zane, Aloy, Alfie, Daina, Alicia. I mean i really trust Roy and the rest alot, they’re really good friends and they have seen me with glasses outside training before. Examples of 2) would be my classmates or just random people in the lecture hall. But for B, im like really comfortable and i trust him alot, but i also wna look good in front of him so i try to have my contacts on everytime i meet him.

So like many people keep asking why i quitted cosplay so here are the reasons. But lmao nobody knows my tumblr, im writing everything here just to rant stuff, nobody would even read it anyways. Actually i quit cosplay for a few reasons. I hate it when people used to remind me that i cosplay. Well, sure, i might have kept some pictures left of some certain cosplays. But that is because the picture taken was really nice and i really wna safekeep it. One reason was money lol. I dont have money to actually buy all the costumes and props and those bullshits are fucking expensive, its just seriously a waste of my precious money. Another reason was, it wasnt really socially acceptable, people find me weird, a creep,idk. I used to be really proud and optimistic about cosplaying since it’s actually a very special hobby, but i guess some things are really hard if people always tease you about cosplaying as it is not very socially acceptable. And since cosplaying also require alot makeup, i can cut down cost on my make up, so yayy i still can save more money.

Today with Bryan was just amazing.Okay everyday with him is just fking amazing. Apparently there wasnt any movie to watch because i might go over my curfew but yayyy we actually just sat down at the swing and just talked. Sounds typical, but he loves me when i cant love myself. He’s the best thing that could ever happen to me and maybe waiting for him was actually all really worth it. I’m really an insecure person and he always has to assure me that im beautiful, gorgeous and adorable to him. He’s really the most sweetest and romantic things ever and it’s just really extremely cute. Even i get annoyed everytime i feel insecure about myself. I Love Him sooooo much i would never want to lose him. Omg this is getting fucking cheesy HAHA.

Let’s talk about money. I’m in debt. I owe so many people money i feel really bad. I dont really wish to have squabbles with friends over money, like seriously, it’s fucking stupid. I want to stop borrowing from people, i dont want to make this into a really bad habit. 

i wanna cry so bad :(