#like its so freakish to me that people see this and go “best anime ever” like??? WHAT??????????

[mimihanyuu]

So many artists I liked have lost my respect by supporting attack on titan it's getting weird

[elysianslove]

hi eli bby !! its me vio again shhshf

i loved ur vball player crush hcs w miya twins && suna and can i have that too w sakusa, semi && shirabu ? MY UNDERRATED BOYS CRIES SM <//3 thank u sm <33

hiiiii my love!!! tysm for requesting these boys i love them so much. i hope you like this lysm <3

sakusa kiyoomi 

considering what i’ve seen in the anime, and some manga panels, i really don’t think omi’s a peoples person. so even in school, i doubt he was very involved with other students, and probably kept to himself 

he’s also hyper-aware of his surroundings constantly, including the people around him, so the fact that he noticed you wasn’t a shock

it’s that he noticed you, and then he couldn’t stop thinking about you

probably had some dream about you that same night that cursed him with a crush on you yk the dreams i’m talking about right? 

he still continues to keep to himself, and whenever he spots you from his peripheral vision he just dashes out of there. he realizes that forcing himself to act normally around you might actually improve his situation and help him get over whatever this stupid crush was but he was not taking any chances

he also knew nothing about you, just your last name! 

so anyways both the boys and girls vbc’s are heading the same school, so they got one bus for the both of you and combined them. 

because his general dislike for crowds, omi usually sits out in the front, especially because the door to the bus is right next to him. idk he just seems like the kind to map out an escape plan for every room/vehicle he enters i don’t have a reason why i think so

the game was happening on a weekend, really early, like way too early, so it wasn’t a surprise that you were tired. it’s an unspoken rule that those who sit in the back make a lotta noise and all that, so you opted for the front seats instead to at least try and rest a bit before the game

you don’t sit directly next to him, but there’s only an aisle separating the two of you

because, yk, manners, you give him a small smile before saying, “good morning!” and settling in your seat, your bag between your legs

omi on god freezes up lmfao

he doesn’t mean to sound so rude but it just comes out that way! he says something along the lines of “what are you doing here?” and immediately regrets it after it leaves his lips. he visibly cringes 

but instead of being thrown off, you just laugh, and sakusa curses everything behind his mask because holy shit were you gorgeous and wow was his stomach just somersaulting 

not a nice feeling 

you explain to him briefly that you’re on the vbc and you were heading to play the girls of the same school he was gonna play against and all that, and he just hums and nods and tries to ignore the thump thump thump of his heart 

you don’t really interact during the bus ride going to, it’s coming back that you do 

you tell him that you managed to glimpse the last bit of his game, where he was landing a spike, and you complimented his skills and pointed out his freakish wrist move 

he noted that he didn’t get to see you play and your brain went opportunity! 

you go “well maybe you should come to one of my dates” like the absolute smooth talker you are 

omi just hums and goes “i’ll see” 

absolutely is there lol

the development into a relationship is more implicit than explicit. the two of you don’t announce to the world, but honestly, neither do you do it to yourselves. like you’d been on a coffee date with him at some point and your parent or sibling texted something you found funny and mentioned him as your boyfriend and you showed it to him and he was like

hm

am i your boyfriend 

like idk am i your girlfriend 

he said yeah obviously 

i love this boy so fucking much pleaseeeee

but yes just as your development into a couple is subtle, so is your overall relationship. and honestly? you wouldn’t have it any other way

semi eita

omg pretty setter semi eeee

so yk how shiratorizawa students live in dorms? there’s no way semi hasn’t noticed you before, even if it’s separate dorms for different genders. like you two probably come across each other every once in a while at a vending machine or something, and exchange a word or two 

it’s not until when semi starts to look forward to seeing you, or when he gets disappointed every time you don’t make an appearance, that he realizes, you know, he’s kinda developed a liking to you

he doesn’t really know much about you, aside your name and your favorite go-to snack from the vending machine, so he’s left a little frustrated at the lack of interactions you two have. like he’s just living off that small laugh of acknowledgment and the hi, hope you sleep well! you know? like he wants more from you. he wants to get to know you

he can’t seem to ever see you in school either, because the stars hate him that much and don’t wanna align for the two of you, not even a little to share one class with him. just one

it’s just his luck, though, when a busy weekend for all the sports teams comes along, and each sport is sectioned off to a bus. volleyball boys and girls in one bus, swimming boys and girls in one bus, etc. 

he really doesn’t expect it when you get on the bus, because what the fuck you play volleyball??? and then he really doesn’t expect it when you recognize him, gasp and grin, and wave at him, and go over to sit by him

his brain’s short-circuiting 

you immediately start conversation as you’re setting your bag down like “i didn’t know you played volleyball!”

and he laughs and nods like “i didn’t know you did either” 

it’s honestly a really cute and satisfying moment like okay maybe the stars were just taking their time aligning thank you universe 

the two of you click immediately. like annoyingly so. you have so much in common, and you spend the entire ride chatting excitedly about everything and semi’s wishing he’d just asked you to hang out way sooner, like as early as the first time you’d met at that vending machine 

the girls’ games finish a lot later than the boys, so he comes and watches you play, and is enamored by you, completely. in his head he’s just ‘this girl just keeps growing more perfect.’

he walks back with you to the bus, and sits next to you as well. when you arrive back at the school, you don’t immediately go to your dorms, and he suggests grabbing a refreshing drink from somewhere nearby

it’s incredible how you still have so much to talk about 

the time passes really quick with him

it’s while you’re having that drink with him, probably iced tea or boba or something, he tells you about his small passion for music, and you make him promise to play you something at some point. he loops his pinky with yours :)

he also confides in you about having been replaced on his last year, and how he tries not to let it affect him but he really can’t help him. from then on, after each of your practices, you invite him in your gym, and have him set to you, just so you both have an excuse to spend time with each other, and so that he gets to practice and play the way he really wants to, without any restrictions placed upon him and no one waiting to take his place

i think as a couple you’d probably really bring out the best in each other, and you’re constantly always, always there for each other. really, really reliant and supportive as partners, you know? 

you go to all his games, and whenever he’s pitched in, you scream his name the loudest and cheer him on so much. one look at your face, and he’s reminded of who he is and why he does what he does, and he’s immediately grounded aw <3

shirabu kenjirō

omg shirabu with a crush 🥺🤲🏼 i love it when characters seem so cold and standoffish but as soon as they’re around the people they care about they do a 180. that’s shirabu 100%

he really, really, really liked you. like it was embarrassing at this point. he totally denied it every time anyone even thought it, and he really tried his hardest not to be obvious around you

i like to think he saw you around school and that’s how it developed a little, but maybe you were friends with some of the vbc boys because of your shared interest in the sport, and you come to play with them sometimes after practice, he’d just never be there

but one time you walked in and he was like guess im not leaving 

he was a little starstruck at the fact that you played volleyball. he honestly wouldn’t care, but it sorta felt nice that there really was something that you two had in common

and you were good. at everything. you received semi and ushijima’s serves, and goshiki’s and ōhira’s spikes, perfectly, and reacted to tendō’s blocks so well, and hit his tosses just right. you were incredible. maybe your skills were magnified from his specific lens, but there really was no denying you were skilled 

damn this. all this. 

especially any time you’d spike his toss and give him a really wide smile and say, “nice toss!” like seriously the way his heart’s spasming cannot be healthy what the fuck 

and then he finds out the girls are sharing a bus with them, and then you walk in

and then you walk towards him

obviously, outwardly he looks unimpressed and unfazed but trust, his palms are sweaty as fuck 

before the bus moves, you stand by his seat and make small talk with him about volleyball, before you realize the bus is moving and you have to sit down, but you’re still in the middle of a conversation with him, so you just sit next to him and continue like nothing happened

he just. allows it. 

the school you’d been going to had a really big court where both the girls and boys were playing in the same gymnasium on opposite sides of the court, so when you arrived and changed and all, you were like “wanna warm up together” couple goals <3

pls semi, taichi and tendō would probably tease the fuck out of him lmfao. he’d just glare at them but he has such a big blush on his cheeks as he stretches and warms up with you that the glare is completely ineffective 

you go to sit next to him on the bus ride home, but the day’s exhaustion catches up to you, plus the bus’s movements are lulling you, so you end up falling asleep on his shoulder, and when shirabu first notices that you’d actually fallen asleep, he looks down at you with such a dreamy and awestruck face. goshiki took a picture and likes to torment him with it. shirabu has it as his lockscreen now lol 

as your boyfriend, he’s the exact same. very standoffish to everyone outwardly but to you? it’s a different story. 

nonetheless it’s not very obvious. so yes, he will have a scowl on his face as he tells you off, but his lips are slightly upturned and there’s a little pink shade on his cheeks that show just how endearing he thinks you are 

really loves to practice with you because he loves seeing you in your zone like that. also you look hot

anyways yes he’s such a cutie i will not take criticism 

[letterboxd]

The Package.

As the bonkers genre thrill-ride Shadow in the Cloud blasts into the new year, writer and director Roseanne Liang unpacks her love of Terminator 2, watching Chloë Grace Moretz’s face for hours, and the life lesson she learned from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Cheng Pei-Pei.

Roseanne Liang’s TIFF Midnight Madness winner Shadow in the Cloud landed with a blast of fresh genre energy on VOD platforms on New Year’s Day. It’s A-class action in a B-grade body, cramming plenty into its taut 83 minutes, including: a top-secret package, a freakish gremlin, a hostile bunch of Air Force dudes, outrageous stunts, dogfights and a fake wartime PSA that feels remarkably real.

Throughout, the camera is focused mostly on one face—Chloë Grace Moretz’s, playing British flight officer Maude Garrett—as she tackles all of the above from a claustrophobic ball turret hanging under a B-17 Flying Fortress, on a classified mission over the Pacific Ocean during World War II.

While the film’s tonal swings are confusing to some, schlock enthusiasts and genre lovers on Letterboxd have embraced the film’s intentionally outlandish sensibility, which “makes excellent use of its genre mash to create an unpredictable, guilty pleasure,” says Mirza. Fajar writes that “it felt like the people involved in this project knew how ridiculous it is and gave a hundred and ten percent to make it work. Someday, it will become a cult classic.” Mawbey agrees: “It really goes off the rails in all the best ways during the final third, and the last couple of shots are just perfect.”

Chloë Grace Moretz and her top-secret package in ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

To most of the world, Liang is a so-called “emerging” director, when in fact, the mother-of-two, born in New Zealand to Chinese parents, has been at this game for the past two decades. She has helmed a documentary and a romantic drama, both based on her own marriage; a 2008 short called Take 3, which preceded Hollywood’s current conversation about representation and harassment; and Do No Harm, the splatter-tastic 2017 short in which her technical chops and fluid feel for action were on full display, and, as recorded in multiple Letterboxd reviews, established her as one to watch.

Do No Harm scored Liang valuable Hollywood representation, whereupon producer Brian Kavanaugh-Jones brought Shadow in the Cloud to her, thinking she might connect with the material. “It did connect with me on a level that is very personal,” Liang tells me. “As a woman of color, as a mother who juggles a lot.” She says Kavanaugh-Jones then went through the process of removing original writer Max Landis from the project. “He felt that Max was not a good fit for this project, or for how we like to run things. We like to be respectful and courteous and kind to each other…”

In several interviews, Liang has said she’s comfortable with film lovers choosing not to watch Shadow in the Cloud based on Landis’s early involvement. What she’s not comfortable with is her own contribution—and that of her cast and crew—being erased. While WGA rules have his name attached firmly to the project, the credit belies the reality: his thin script, reportedly stretched out to 70 pages by using a larger-than-usual font, was expanded and deepened by Liang and her collaborators.

Writer-director Roseanne Liang. / Photo by Dean O’Gorman

That team includes editor Tom Eagles, Oscar nominated for Jojo Rabbit, actor Nick Robinson (the titular Simon in Love, Simon) and Beulah Koale, a star of the Hawaii Five-Oh series. The opening newsreel was created by award-winning New Zealand animation studio Mukpuddy, after a small test audience got weirded out by the sight of a gremlin in a war film, despite well-documented WWI and WWII gremlin mythology. It’s an unnecessary but happy addition. The cartoon style was inspired by Private Snafu, a series of WWII educational cartoons scripted by none other than Dr. Seuss and directed by Looney Tunes legend Chuck Jones.

But the film ultimately hangs on Chloë Grace Moretz, who overcame cabin fever to drive home an adrenaline rush of screen craft, in which the very limits of what’s humanly possible in mid-air are tested (in ways, it must be said, that wouldn’t be questioned if it were Tom Cruise in the role). Liang would often send directions to Moretz’s ball turret via text, while her cast members delivered live dialogue from an off-set shipping container rigged with microphones. “I just never got sick of Chloë’s face and I’ve watched her hundreds, if not thousands of times. You feel her, you are her, she just engages you in a way that a huge fighting scene might not, if it’s not designed well. Giant empty spectacle is less interesting than one person in one spot, sometimes.”

Ambitious and nerdy about film in equal measure, it’s clear there’s much more to come from Liang, and I’m interested in what her most valuable lesson has been so far. Turns out, it’s a great story involving Chinese veteran Cheng Pei-Pei (Come Drink With Me’s Golden Swallow, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Jade Fox), whose film training includes a tradition of remaining on set throughout filming.

Roseanne Liang on the set of ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

That meant that, during filming of Liang’s My Wedding and Other Secrets, Cheng would stay on set when she wasn’t required. “In New Zealand, trailers are a luxury,” Liang explains. “I said ‘Don’t you want to go to the trailer that we arranged for you?’ ‘No, I just want to sit and watch.’ ‘Why do you want to watch it, you’ve seen it hundreds of times!’ And she said ‘I learn something new every time’. To Pei-Pei, the secret of life is constant education and curiosity and learning. Movies are her work and her craft and her life, and she never gets bored. If I can be like her, that’s the life, right?”

Speaking of which, it’s time we put Liang through our Life in Film interrogation.

What’s the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Terminator 2: Judgment Day is the movie that is at the top of the mountain that I’m climbing. To me it’s the perfect blend of spectacle, action design, smarts and heart. It poses the theory that if a robot can learn the value of humanity then maybe there’s hope for the ships that are us. That’s perennial, and possibly even more pertinent today. It holds a very special place in my heart, along with Aliens, Mad Max: Fury Road, Die Hard, La Femme Nikita and Léon: The Professional.

What’s your earliest memory of watching a film? I have a cassette tape that my dad made for my grandma in 1981 (he’d send tapes back to his mother in Hong Kong). I was three years old and he had just taken us to see The Empire Strikes Back in the cinema. And he can’t talk to my grandma because I’m just going on and on about R2-D2. I will not shut up about R2-D2 and he’s like, “Yes, yes I’m trying to talk to your grandmother,” and I’m like, “But Dad! Dad! R2-D2!” So it’s actually an archive, but it’s become my memory.

What’s the most romantic film you’ve ever seen? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s not the sexiest, but it’s the most romantic. That last scene, those last words where she goes “But you’re gonna be like this forever and I’m gonna be like this forever…” and he just goes “okay”. That to me is one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen. It is a perfect movie.

And the scariest? If it’s a horror movie, the most scared I’ve been is The Ring. I was watching it on a VHS and I was lying on a beanbag on the floor and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move, because I felt that if I moved she’d see me! Also, American Psycho just came to me this year. I caught the twentieth anniversary of that movie, which is a terrifying film, and again, possibly more relevant now than when it was made. The scariest film that’s not a horror is Joker. It scared me how much I liked it. When I came out of the movie, I was like, “I’m scared because I kind of love it, but it’s horrible. It’s so irresponsible. I don’t wanna like this movie but goddamn, I feel it.” Like, I wanted to go on the streets and rage. In a way we’re all the Joker, we’re all the Batman. That duality, that yin and yang, is inside everyone of us. It’s universal.

What is the film that slays you every time, leaving you in a heap of tears? This is a classic one, the opening sequence of Up. The first ten minutes of Up just destroy me every time. I also saw Soul a couple of days ago and I was with the whole family and I, just, if I wasn’t with the whole family I would have been ugly-sobbing. I had a real ache in my throat after the movie because I was trying to stop [myself] from sobbing.

Tell me your favorite coming-of-age film, the film that first gave you ‘teenage feelings’? Pump Up the Volume. Christian Slater! Off the back of Pump Up the Volume, I fancied myself as a prophet and wrote a theater piece called Lemmings. Obviously the main character was a person who could see through the façade, and everyone else was following norms. “No one understands me, I’m a prophet!” So clearly I have this shitty, Joker-style megalomaniac inside of me. It was the worst play, and I don’t know why my teachers agreed for us to do a staging of it!

Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis in ‘Pump Up the Volume’ (1990).

Is there a film that you and your family love to rewatch? We’ve tried to impose our taste on our children, but they’re too young. We showed them The Princess Bride—they didn’t get it. We literally showed our babies Star Wars in their cribs. That’s how obsessive Star Wars fans we were.

Name a director and/or writer that you deeply admire for their use of the artform. I have a slightly weird answer for this. Can I just give love to Every Frame a Painting by Tony Zhou and Taylor Ramos? They are my film school. I was thinking of my love of Edgar Wright, but then I thought of their video essay on Edgar Wright and how to film comedy, and his essay on Jackie Chan and the rhythm of action and then their essay on the Coen Brothers and Shot Reverse Shot. I must have watched that 30 times ahead of the TV show that I’m making now. I started out in editorial and Tony Zhou is an editor and he talks about when to make the cut: it’s an instinct, it’s a feeling, it’s a rhythm. I realized the one thing in common that I could mention about all the films I’ve loved is Every Frame a Painting. It’s their love of movies that comes bubbling out of every single essay that they made that I just wanna shout out at this part of my career.

Were there any crucial films that you turned to in your development for Shadow in the Cloud? Indiana Jones was something that Chloë brought up—she likes the spiffiness and the humor of Indiana Jones. Sarah Connor was our touchstone for the female character. For one-person-in-one-space type stories, I watched Locke quite a lot, to figure out how they shaped tension and story and [kept] us on the edge of our seats when it’s only one person in one space. In terms of superheroes, I came back to Aliens. Not Alien. Aliens. You know, there are two types of people in this world—people who prefer Alien over Aliens, and people who prefer Aliens over Alien. But actually I think I vacillate for different reasons.

Can there be a third type of person, who thinks they’re both great, but Alien³, just, no? Maybe that’s the best group to be in. We don’t need to fight about this, we can love both of them! I was having an argument with James Wan’s company about this, because there’s a rift inside the company of people who prefer Alien over Aliens.

Okay, program a triple feature with your film as one of the three. I don’t know. Ask Ant Timpson!

I’ll ask Ant Timpson. [We did, and he replied: “Well, one has to be the Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. And then either Life (2017) or Altitude (2010).”]

Thank you Ant! I used to go to his all-nighters as a university student. He is the king of programming things.

Jake Gyllenhaal in ‘Life’ (2017).

It’s strange that we never met at one of his events! Ant would make me dress up in strange outfits and do weird skits between films. (For those who don’t know, Timpson ran the Incredibly Strange Film Festival for many years—now part of the New Zealand International Film Festival—and still runs an annual 24-Hour Movie Marathon.) So what’s a film from those events that sticks in your head as the perfect genre experience with a crowd? It was a movie about a man protecting a woman who was the girlfriend of a mafia boss: A Bittersweet Life. Not only does it have one of the sexiest Korean actors, sorry, not to objectify, but also I actually screenshot a lot of that film for pitch documents. And, do you remember a crazy Japanese movie where someone’s sitting on the floor with a clear umbrella and a woman is lactating milk? Visitor Q by Takashi Miike. I remember just how fucking crazy that was.

Finally, what was the best film you saw in 2020? I haven’t seen Nomadland yet, so keep in mind that I haven’t seen all the films this year. I have three: The Invisible Man, which I thought was just amazing. I thought [writer-director] Leigh Whannell did such a great job. The Half of It by Alice Wu, a quiet movie that I simply just adored. And then the last movie I saw at the cinema was Promising Young Woman. The hype is real.

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‘Shadow in the Cloud’ is available in select theaters and on video on demand now.

[princesssarisa]

22 questions

Thanks, @cinefantastiquemitho!

01. The book that transformed your life. Freak the Mighty. It traumatized me so much in middle school, I think it singlehandedly changed me from a mostly happy (if quiet and overemotional) child into a moody, anxious teenager. The same goes for it’s ‘90s movie adaptation, The Mighty, starring a young Elden Henson and Kieran Culkin. It’s about the unlikely friendship between two misfit middle school boys: Max, the big, hulking, “stupid,” somewhat mentally disabled protagonist with a traumatic past, and “Freak,” an intelligent yet small, severely crippled, and (spoiler alert) terminally ill boy who rides on Max’s shoulders and serves as his “brain,” leading him in modeling their lives after the knights in the Arthurian legends he reads. Basically, it’s like Bridge to Terabithia meets a PG-rated Midnight Cowboy with Arthurian themes. I was forced to read it and watch the movie in school and it shook me to the core because I identified too much with Max. Not that I ever thought I was stupid, but since I was also a physically heavy, intellectually disabled, socially awkward, often teased, withdrawn misfit, I saw myself in him, very, very much. So to watch his struggles, and then in the end to see him devastated by his only friend’s death, hit hard. If that spirit medium I recently talked to was telling the truth about my past life as Emily Brontë’s best and possibly only friend, then maybe subconsciously I saw her in Freak (since she was also a “freakish” misfit who nonetheless was highly intelligent, witty and imaginative) and relived her illness and death in his. At any rate, it plunged me into a long depression that must have seemed inexplicable to the adults around me.

02. The movie that changed your way of seeing the world. The 1983 telecast of Madama Butterfly from the Arena di Verona, starring Raina Kabaivanska as Cio-Cio-San. In hindsight, it was a flawed production. Kabaivanska was a 49-year-old Bulgarian grand dame, not the least bit convincing as a 15-year-old Japanese girl. The tenor, who was supposed to be her worldly seducer, was young enough to be her son. There wasn’t a single Japanese person in either the cast or the creative team – it was all a European fantasy of Japan. For that matter, Madama Butterfly is inherently problematic with its racial and gender issues (in other news, water is wet). But watching this old telecast on VHS, out of curiosity about Miss Saigon’s source material, was the real beginning of my passion for opera. I was already familiar with The Magic Flute, but this was the start of my love for opera beyond that one. The tragic romance of the story, the visual beauty of the sets and costumes, and Puccini’s sumptuous musical score captivated my fourteen-year-old self. It led me to VHSs of La Traviata, Carmen, La Bohéme, Tosca, Rigoletto, Les Contes d’Hoffmann, L’Orfeo and Turandot, as well as other videos of Butterfly, and then to opera performances onstage. It gave me a new passion and gave me something beautiful to share with other people through “Opera Quest,” the program I’ve created to introduce opera to elementary school students. I’m so, so grateful to it!

03. The music that makes part of the soundtrack of your life. Opera, Broadway/West End show tunes, and Disney songs.

04. Define longing. It’s wanting, but deeper and stronger. It’s constant wanting, painful wanting, wanting that almost becomes obsession.

05. If you got back in time, which scene would you visit of your life? Any of my Thanksgiving visits to my grandma in Mesa, Arizona. Of course I’d love to see her again – she died 12 years ago – but I also loved wandering around the pretty retirement community where she lived, listening to Les Misérables or to Andrew Lloyd Webber on my headphones, and then sometimes swimming in the outdoor pool. I also loved the restaurant we always went to for Thanksgiving dinner, and if possible, going to see the lavish Christmas lights at the Mormon Temple a day or two later.

06. The place where your heart is. Los Angeles. Even though I wasn’t born there, it’s the earliest place I remember. I grew up there and it’s only been four years since I moved away. Every time I’ve gone back to visit since, I I’ve had the overwhelming feeling of “I’m home!” Even though I’m glad not to be living in a big city right now, I wish I lived closer and could visit more often.

07. The travel of your life. I haven’t travelled very much outside the US, though I have been to Canada, London and Ireland. Within the US, I was born in Connecticut, I’ve lived most of my life in California, and I’ve spent a lot of time in New York (relatives live there), Washington State (more relatives live there), Arizona (my grandma lived there), Florida (other grandparents, plus Walt Disney World), Montana (still more relatives), North Carolina (still more), and Minnesota (family friends). Once each I’ve been to Chicago, Boston, Cape Cod, and small towns in Vermont and New Hampshire, and I’d love to go back to each of them one day. I’ve also been to North Dakota, but don’t remember it very well, and I’ve spent at least a few hours each in Las Vegas and Salt Lake City, but not long enough to do much of anything.

08. An author that you have met recently, and whose works you want to continue to read. Not too long ago I took a writing class taught by April Halprin Wayland, who wrote the beautiful Jewish children’s book New Year at the Pier about the tradition of Tashlich on Rosh Hashanah. I’d definitely like to read more of her books, especially her Passover children’s book, More Than Enough. I’d love buy them for my little cousins on the Jewish side of my family.

09. Coffee or tea? Herbal tea. Rooibos chai is my favorite.

10. Who's your Doctor (if you don't watch Doctor Who, who's your favorite character from a TV series)? I couldn’t say. I don’t watch Doctor Who or much TV at all anymore. Let’s just say I love the main characters from all the TV shows I watched when I was little.

11. If you could just throw everything away and live your dream, what would you do? I’d buy a safe and luxurious self-driving RV (this is a fantasy, after all) and travel all over the US, living in a different place for a week, two weeks, or a month at a time. In this fantasy, there’s no pandemic going on, so I have the freedom to go anywhere. I’d visit every big city, every cozy small town, and every notable place of natural beauty, I’d go to the opera and see local productions of Les Misérables wherever I could. I’d visit my relatives whenever I liked. I’d present “Opera Quest” at a local school in each place I visited. But I’d also spend plenty of alone time in my RV, or in whatever hotel or inn I chose to stay in for a little while, and work on the books I’m writing, listen to music and meditate. There would be no pressure on me from anyone to do anything. That would be amazing.

12. If you could choose to be a character from a book, TV series or movie, who you would be? None. Some of them have nice lives, but they all have their problems too, and I’d rather keep my own problems than take on theirs.

13. What makes you not like a story? Characters we’re supposed to like being cruel and spiteful to each other and neither regretting it nor being properly called out for it. If their behavior is clearly supposed to be bad and treated as such within the story, it’s one thing. Even if they never regret their own behavior, that’s fine as long as the other characters call it out as bad. But when they don’t, I feel like the author is saying that anyone would be just as cruel and spiteful in that situation. That it’s no big deal, it’s just human nature and anything better would be unrealistic. I hate that.

14. Do you like romance in stories? Why? Yes, I do like it. Not if it’s badly written, but when it’s well written, I love it. I love watching two characters come to care so deeply for each other, fill each other’s deepest needs and bring each other happiness. Of course that happens with platonic love too, but romance is the way it most often happens in stories.

15. Which book did you hate having read? Well, I didn’t like having to read Candide as a college freshman, because despite all its humor, it’s cynicism depressed me. I was going through a stage where I was feeling overwhelmed by the world’s problems and had turned to idealistic spiritual beliefs to comfort myself, so I hated having to read a book that essentially said “Optimism is stupid, the world is a terrible place, there is no God and no good reason for anything, and all we can do is try to make the best of our individual lives.” (Yes, I know that’s a vast oversimplification of Voltaire’s philosophy – it just came across that way to me at the time.)

16. Which movie did you hate having watched? I’ve already mentioned The Mighty, above, so... another one... When I was seven or eight, I saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time, and I was very disturbed at the end by Wonka’s angry outburst about Charlie and Grandpa Joe stealing the Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Of course everyone can agree about how scary and mean Gene Wilder acts in that scene. But imagine how much worse it would be to an ultra-sensitive little kid on the autism spectrum, especially since I wasn’t expecting it. I had read the original book already, so the fates of the four bratty kids and the infamous boat scene didn’t phase me because I knew to expect them. But movie-Wonka’s final test is a movie-only addition, so I had no idea he was going to start screaming at poor Charlie, and to me at that age, an adult suddenly screaming in rage at a child was scarier than a child turning into a blueberry any day. Yes, it’s only a test, Charlie passes it and all ends happily, but it still upset me.

17. Do you like anime/manga? Any favorite? It all looks very nice, but apart from seeing Kiki’s Delivery Service and a few episodes of Pokemon as a kid, I haven’t experienced much of it. Maybe I should explore it more.

18. Who is the best villain you saw in a story? I don’t think I can choose just one from all the stories I know. For the best villain from Shakespeare and opera, I’d probably have to say Iago, because of how thoroughly effective his scheming and manipulation are. For the best Disney villain, I’d have to say Frollo, because of how horribly realistic he is: as an abuser of power, a racist, a religious bigot, a sexual predator, a psychologically abusive foster parent, and in the way he believes everything he does is holy and right. But there are so many good villains in all genres of fiction, choosing just one favorite is impossible.

19. If you could do an interview with any person, alive or dead, from our world, who would you choose and why? William Shakespeare. I have so many questions about his plays. They’ve all been interpreted in hundreds of different ways and I’d like to hear what his real intentions were when he wrote them. And for that matter, if he really did write all of them or if there’s any truth in the anti-Stratfordian theories.

20. If you could meet and and befriend a writer, who would it be? I just said Shakespeare, but I don’t want to repeat the same answer twice... Well, if that spirit medium was right, then I’ve already met and befriended three famous writers in a past life: Charlotte, Emily and Anne Brontë. Supposedly I spent “many hours” with all three of them, but was especially close to Emily. If that’s true, then I’d love to meet them again, do some catching up, and talk with them about the modern controversies surrounding their books... especially Wuthering Heights, which seems to defy easy interpretations of its characters and themes.

21. Cats or dogs? Dogs. I just adore them!

22. If you could choose any time period or society to live, which it would be? A year ago, I would have said “right here, right now.” But with this global pandemic taking place and the future of the world and of America in particular feeling so uncertain, I’ve changed my mind. I’d rather live in one of the fantasy worlds I’ve created: either the Sisterhood of Nira’s valley (the setting of my completed but unpublished novel An Eternal Crown) or Zalina Island (the setting of the Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid retellings I’m working on). Those places might have flaws of their own, but at least they’ve made social progress that this country hasn’t made, and they have magic too. If I could I’d move to one of them, at least until the pandemic is over and we have a new president.

I tag @simone-boccanegra, @astrangechoiceoffavourites, @nitrateglow, @thatvermilionflycatcher, @sunlit-music, @theheightsthatwuthered, @fairychamber, @wuthering-valleys

[antiquecompass]

Untamed Winter Fest Day 17: Bells

The Jiang Holiday Extravaganza was an entire fortnight of excess that even after four years still shocked Xichen in the five minutes of peace, quiet, and reflection, he got to himself at Lotus Pier. At least he’d learned how to avoid all those damn demon elves on their shelves, especially since Jiang Cheng always exorcised their room of them when they arrived. He also knew which  bathrooms to avoid (near the library and off the living room with their Santa and Mrs. Claus toilet seat covers respectively), and how to kindly suggest a theme to Madame Yu for the Christmas tree in their bedroom. The first year had been a tree full of teddy bears, and while not offensive in any way, half of those ornaments sung in voices eerily reminiscent of The Chipmunks. Many were motion activated. He’d come out of a sound sleep his first night here, terrified, as Nutmeg tried to climb the tree and a freakish high-pitched voice sang ‘Up on the Rooftop.’ This year Madame Yu had apparently found some mercy and picked deer. Glittery deer, but just deer. None of them sang or played music, though the large light-up display on their fireplace mantle did. It was a compromise Xichen embraced. Mostly because he’d easily found the off-switch on the musical Santa train.

The sheer amount of food and all its richness? That was still a struggle. He had consumed far too many desserts at the Christmas Eve party and now regretted it as he laid on their bed, waiting for Jiang Cheng to return with Sugar. Honey, their new puppy, was already in her bed in the corner, fast asleep. Cinnamon and Nutmeg had claimed the library as their territory, but Pepper was on the bed beside Xichen, stretched out over all the pillows.

He truly wanted nothing more than to roll over and sleep with her soft purrs lulling him into dreams, but there was one Christmas tradition he had come to fully embrace and he was going to stay awake for it, even if the sugar crash in his system was demanding sleep.

This was why Uncle had always forbid food excess, especially sweets.

He smiled as their bedroom door opened, Jiang Cheng carrying the crisp, cold scent of the outdoors on his skin and in his hair. He carefully placed Sugar on the bed, then sat down between her and Xichen, stroking Xichen’s hair.

“The great Lan Xichen. Defeated by fudge,” he teased. His fingers moved to his belly and rubbed it in warm circles. “How far you have fallen.”

“It was very good fudge,” Xichen said. “I know you still have your problems with him, but Jin Zixuan is a talented baker.”

“It’s one of his few good traits,” Jiang Cheng agreed.

When he leaned down to kiss Xichen, he could taste the remnants of peppermint and chocolate. Xichen wasn’t the only one who had an excess of sweets tonight.

“I’m going to grab a shower while I can,” he said. He ran a thumb over Xichen’s lips, a soft smile on his face when Xichen caught it and gave it a sharp bite. “I’d ask you to join me, but I don’t think you’re capable of moving.”

“Probably not,” Xichen admitted. “The spirit is willing, the body refuses.”

Jiang Cheng sighed and patted Xichen’s belly again. “This is what I get for hitching myself to your old, broken down, wagon.”

“I am four years older than you,” Xichen said.

“And yet one of the oldest people in this house,” Jiang Cheng said as he slipped off the bed.

“We can’t all be sat at the kid’s table,” Xichen said.

Both Jiang Cheng and his brother had been placed there to watch over the younger cousins and their nieces and nephews. That was the story at least. Xichen had experienced enough Jiang family dinners to know it was more to do with Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng, two grown men, always being on the verge of a food fight.

“Can you honestly say you enjoyed your time at the main table?” Jiang Cheng asked as he pulled out his pajamas. “Enlightening conversation with Uncle Yi about different wood grains?”

“Each day brings a chance to learn something new,” Xichen said.

“Baby, you are so full of shit,” Jiang Cheng said with a laugh as he walked out into the hallway.

**********

Xichen had fallen asleep despite his best intentions, but when he woke up from his dessert-induced nap, Jiang Cheng was beside him, hair down and loose, reading glasses on, with his Kindle in his hands.

Xichen still couldn’t believe he had the good fortune to fall asleep and wake-up and live beside such a man.

“Sorry,” he said.

Jiang Cheng startled, but set his Kindle to the side.

“You were fighting a losing battle,” he said. He slid down to press up against him. “I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did.”

“Did I miss it?” Xichen asked.

This was their tradition. On Christmas Eve, late at night, when the house was quiet and nothing could be heard but the sound of the bells and windchimes on the porch, they exchanged their gifts to each other. The private ones. The sentimental ones. The ones they wanted to keep just between them without the eyes of the entire family on them and without any running commentary from certain vocal parties.

Wei Ying and Madame Yu both had very pointed opinions on gifts.

“It’s 11:50,” Jiang Cheng said. “You woke up just in time.”

He reached under his pillow and pulled out a slim box.

“Merry Christmas,” he said.

Xichen reached under his own and pulled out the slim wooden chest he’d commissioned to hold the small glass figurines inside.

“Merry Christmas,” he said.

It was Jiang Cheng’s year to open his present first. Xichen eagerly waited to see his face.

“These are--” Jiang Cheng’s voice went soft. “These are our pets.” He looked at Xichen, fingers carefully trailing over the glass figurines inside the box. “How?”

“I ran into a few old friends from college when I had to chaperone that school trip to the Renaissance Festival. One of them is a glassblower, the other a woodworker. I know they’re not like the tiny crystal ones you collect but--”

“They’re perfect,” Jiang Cheng said. He pulled Xichen in a deep kiss. Then another. And another, before finally turning back to the box, the softest smile on his face. “You even got Honey in here.”

“A last minute addition,” Xichen said. The little glass Honey had arrived days before their departure.

“Thank you,” Jiang Cheng said. “I love them.”

His fingers danced over the tops of the five glass figures again before carefully closing the box and setting it on his nightstand.

“Your turn,” he said.

Xichen picked up the slim box and heard a slight rattling inside.

“Not a necklace,” Xichen said.

“No, you don’t wear those,” Jiang Cheng said, fingers unconsciously wrapped around the jade lotus pendant hanging from his own neck.

“A bracelet?” he asked. “A fountain pen? A letter opener?”

“Stop guessing and just open it,” Jiang Cheng said.

“The guessing is the fun part,” Xichen said. He carefully started to unwrap the paper.

“Just open the damn thing,” Jiang Cheng said.

Xichen deliberately opened the present even slower, just to see that frustrated furrow between his boyfriend’s brows.

When he finally opened the box, he forgot how to breathe.

He’d resigned himself to the fact that there would never be a wedding for them, even though he knew they’d be together for life. Jiang Cheng was very vocal about his hatred for weddings and a general apathy towards the institute of marriage when legal ties and an agreed life-long commitment was just as valid in his eyes. So Xichen knew he wouldn’t have an engagement or a wedding or a marriage in the legal sense.

But this--this was--this was the Jiang Bell.

A silver bell engraved with the design of a nine-petal lotus hung on a royal purple tassel. It was sacred to the Jiangs. Similar to the Lans and their forehead ribbon. And was meant only for family members.

“Legend has it,” Jiang Cheng said in the wake of Xichen’s silence, “that the bell can calm the mind and clear the spirit. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s a family tradition. I’ve been lobbying to get you one for years now and my Great Aunt finally gave up the goods.”

Xichen was still at a loss for words. His fingers shook as he removed the bell from its box. A soft ringing filled the room.

“You’re my family. We’re our own little family, cats and dogs included,” Jiang Cheng said. “And it was time you had your own.”

“You,” Xichen said, laughing even as happy tears filled his eyes. “I got you little glass animals and you give me--”

“What is rightfully yours,” Jiang Cheng said.

He kissed the tears on Xichen’s cheeks, his fingers wrapping around Xichen’s own where they held the bell.

“I love you,” Xichen said. All he could say when words truly failed to express what he was feeling and the depths of the emotions running through him.

An excess of love, of devotion, of trust, of dreams fulfilled and even more hope for the years ahead of them.

“Of course, I’ve now fucked myself over,” Jiang Cheng said. “No present is ever going to top this one.”

“No,” Xichen agreed. “But I somehow think you’ll still beat me, again, like you have, every year.”

“We’re going to disagree on this one,” Jiang Cheng said. “You gave me the menagerie in tiny glass form that I can have forever.”

And Jiang Cheng had given him his family, completely, fully, now.

“A draw then,” Xichen said, even if they both knew who had won this year.

“A draw,” Jiang Cheng agreed.

[jackednephi]

Hello! Apologies for sending in an ask so late. I just wanted to reach out because I'm not in such a great place right now. I was wondering, if you found out about your being queer at a fairly young age, how you managed to stay in the closet?? (And, you know, remaining alright, mentally) my parents are extremely homophobic, and it's tearing me apart, especially because I really care about them. Any advice would be great, even if it's not much. Best of luck in everything, and thank you so much ♥️

so tumblr doesn’t always let me know when i have messages >(

that said, i’ll do my best to respond but like it’s going to be long and convoluted so imma include a cut to save dash space. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND i am polyamorous, agender/trans, pansexual, and demiromantic. so like there are various facets of my queerness and they all played into my life differently

feel free to skip close to the end for like “how to stealth” if you don’t have the spoons for like a 20 page autobiography with annotated bibliography

so finding out about being queer is a question that has both a yes and a no answer. it’s more like i was experiencing queerness but didn’t have words for it, then repressed it, then dealt with it. so it’s less “i knew ever since i could form words to describe it” and more my journey was in no way linear

see when i was little, like really little yknow when you start getting your first crushes right around prek and stuff, i had all kinds of crushes. i had crushes on multiple people at once and this has continued straight into adulthood. so, like, sign one of being poly. my friends would have one person they would hardcore crush on whereas i was crushing on people around me, characters in fiction, just like so many people. i remember listing crushes in my journals every now and then and i’d have lists of upwards and over like 20. :/ so i am in no way surprised i’m poly

so far as my sexuality, i didn’t realize i was feeling for certain female friends what i was feeling for boys. partly because i’d be like “oh i want to hold his hand” and because i saw m/f couples holding hands all the time i was like ah! yes! obviously romantic! but i never saw any f/f relationships so i didn’t make the connection that the hand holding wasn’t a friend feeling. i had INTENSE crushes on girls too, just as intense as on boys. but i was used to the media portraying rival nonsense like hannah montana and whatnot so i was like “oh. this is my situation”

there was also a lot of repressing going on because i just didn’t see that reflected around me from media to adults. all i saw were m/f relationships. i knew gay people existed but i thought they were all gay men. when i was somewhere around like 10 or so, give or take, i realized i was crushing on my best friend at the time (a girl) and was like “no. absolutely not” shoved that as far back as possible and ignored it

my demiromanticism is more born of trauma than me being born that way and that’s ok. one of my close friends found out about one of my crushes in the second grade and i was RELENTLESSLY bullied for it. every time i got a crush on somebody, i would end up HARDCORE bullied or they would get weird and things would be awful. i also had boys shove their crushes onto me and not take no for an answer. like i’d have my bra snapped painfully, bugs shoved down my shirt, my stuff vandalized, hair pulled just because i wasn’t interested

like when i was 12, somebody started a rumor that i was pregnant :/ and that’s not even covering my abusive ex or the sexual assaults so like everything kind of came together for that

then there’s my gender. which is its own bucket of worms and kind of played in with my sexuality in certain ways

my parents are boomers, born in 50 and 58. “but vann,” you say, confused “you were born at the end of 94″ and you are correct! i inherited pcos from my mother so i’ll let you put 2 and 3 together as to why i was born in 94 and my brother in 96. i say that because, unlike their peers, they raised my brothers and i radically different from the accepted cultural norms

if i wanted to wear baggy shorts, that was cool. pretty dresses? whatever. same (kind of) went for my brothers. if they wanted to spend a lot of time on their appearance, that was fine and not shamed at all. in fact, it was encouraged because it made them feel good. i played with army men, barbie dolls, cars, a train set, tools, swords, sports stuff, had tea parties with stuffed animals, drew and crafted, etc etc. my younger brother played house with me (and often suggested it himself) and would play with my baby dolls. like had my younger brother wanted a doll, they would’ve gotten it for him. but i had them so he didn’t bother asking for one cause he could borrow mine

so like there was no gender segregation of toys or activities. and that sounds kind of like the bare minimum of parenting but you have to remember that both of my parents grew up in the rural south as boomers. gender roles were violently enforced for them. but they didn’t think about enforcing them for us so far as play and, to a certain extent, dress/grooming was concerned. this created a safe environment for us to be our true selves

so for a very long time, i was comfy saying i was a girl. i played basketball after school and then afterwards would find my prettiest dress and watch scooby doo. gender expression was fast and loose in my house

i contribute that a lot to the fact that my father was too disabled to work. even before then, he had been a nurse and a damn good one. my father has ALWAYS been the go to for when we were sick, injured, etc. my mother had this disconnect with how much concern to show. it was either too much or not enough and was pretty much never helpful. even after retiring, when my nephews came around he was the go to caretaker for them. even now at 70, he frequently goes back to where the children are during family gatherings and keeps watch. much like a mother hen

so he stayed home and did the cleaning and other “wifely” duties. not cooking though because his brain just cannot. my mother worked as a high school teacher so typical roles were entirely reversed. when i was tiny and wanted nothing more than to be a parent? you go, sweetie! when i was older and wanted to be a scientist? achieve your dreams, kiddo! like they were very supportive of my goals no matter what they were

so i just??? didn’t realize????? until i hit puberty somewhere around 9

talk about body dysphoria. i went from looking like my brother and every other kid my age to wow ok there’s hair now??? and my face is all weird???? and oh no why does my tummy feel funny?????????? (sexual arousal was a TRIP to discover as a third grader that i would not wish on any child ever) oh my god WHAT IS ON MY CHEST!? and grown men are hitting on me now??? oh no i’m in fourth grade and bleeding!?

it was not a fun time by a long shot. i started wearing the baggiest tshirts i could possibly find. anything to hide my freakish body, really. so many hoodies. i would swing wildly between hyper feminine expression with tight clothes and heels and hiding everything as much as possible. part of me was smug about being ahead of my peers, for adults to be treating me as more than a kid. but a LOT of me felt like a freak

maturing (mentally) into an adult was a wild experience. i was 13 and looked like i was 21 except for my face. i did everything possible to find comfort with myself from goth/emo expression ro masculine stuff people threw “dyke” at me for and then finally, weaponized femininity. tight tops, tight pants, shortest skirts i could get away with, eyeliner so sharp it could cut god, heels as often as i could including uniform days, perfect hair. i made myself look like a hot, unapproachable goddess

finally, people were too intimidated to approach me and comment on my appearance. i wore makeup like a mask and people who had known me for YEARS were surprised to find out just how big my chest really was. but i walked with murder in my eyes and i was finally treated the same was i was before puberty - completely unapproachable

ALL THAT IN MIND, here’s how i figured my shit out

i was on facebook seeing “gay, straight, black or white, marriage is a civil right” and being typically “it’s a sacred ordinance shyaddap” about it. i ended up on tumblr about idk 15 or so? note, i’d already discovered porn by this time so i was aware that lesbians existed. like just to throw that out there that i wasn’t like totally in the dark when i made my tumblr account. i did it for school to blog about shakespeare for an english assignment. and that’s when my world expanded

bisexual? wow ok! that was a thing! and oh. oh no

there were pretty girls

and pretty boys and pretty people whose gender i had no idea. cosplayers cosplaying as the opposite gender, trans people, and a whole rainbow of people i was suddenly finding attractive. and i had a HARDCORE identity crisis

i liked girls? but was it the same as boys? was i bisexual? that didn’t seem to fit. there was more than two genders right? and trans people existed? bi? was i bi? bi?

bi. probably

but it didn’t feel comfortable like at all. but i discovered a fanfic writer who talked about being pansexual and i looked it up and everything just clicked?? into place????

not to be overdramatic or anything but it was like the stars finally aligned. it felt SO good! so many genders! and it meant all and aliens are a thing, right? who was i to say no to the possibility? but, more than anything, it felt comfortable. like a hug from my grandma. like home

i wanted to scream from the rooftops that i’d figured it out! i found myself! pansexual! I WAS PANSEXUAL! THAT WAS ME! HOME!

and then the reality of living in our society crashed down on me. i continued to talk about the guys i liked around my family but never EVER the girls. i hid my relationship with the person who eventually became my wife. to be fair, i’d hidden all my relationships prior cause i was an IDIOT and had been dating before 16. so that wasn’t hard. but what was was the breakup

previously, i’d been like “you remember that guy i like? he’s a jerk” or some other excuse to cry to my mother. but i couldn’t about cake. so i cried to my bff/twin/sister like i had everything else and moved on. and i just kind of shut up about it to everybody except those closest to me

except that hurt. here i was knowing i was queer and happy about it but people were being homophobic. i don’t know how often i cried myself to sleep after hearing about “those dirty f*gs” cause of the marriage thing. i ended up quietly coming out to my favorite teacher and she dismissed it as trauma response to my then recent sexual assault. she had seemed safe but that was her reaction so i shut up about it

up until, ironically, coming out day october 2011 just before turning 17 that next month. my mother and i were at chilis, she was being homophobic, and i screamed for the whole restaurant to hear that i was queer and the whole base found out. hard to stay closeted after that

i was pretty much out until college when i started going to church in a new place. i just didn’t talk about my sexuality. ever. period. and it was “easy” because i was dating guys. and pretty sure i was a cis woman. so i was stealth passing. and that was ok with me because i was out on campus, vocally and unapologetically

in high school, i dated a trans guy. he introduced me like in a personal way to transness, to binding. i knew i wasn’t a man but it intrigued me. and in college where nobody knew me, nobody knew me as femme fatale black widow i had a chance to explore my gender. i discovered that loose tshirts made me feel really good. as did other comfy things like shorts and sweats. sometimes i wanted to look fancy or felt like wearing a dress. really, i kind of reverted back to who i was in childhood

i felt weird when i heard my birth name. i’d gone by a nickname for so long, i just chopped off the y (vanny) to vann so it sounded more adult. it felt good. so i identified, tentatively, as nonbinary. it was around this time the trans dude i dated and i fell out with each other because he thought me playing around with my gender was like mocking his transness. or something. idk dude was toxic trash

so i wasn’t male or female then? nah that didn’t feel right. i wasn’t some third androgynous gender. but sometimes binding and passing as a man felt good and sometimes passing as a woman felt good. genderfluid then? was i a man who liked to wear dresses? no. didn’t feel right. made me uncomfortable

eventually, things clicked for me with agender the way they had with pansexual the fall of my third year of undergrad. stars aligned, the universe smiled upon me, and i was THRILLED. like gender euphoria is REAL and never before had i felt so comfortable in my own skin. i remember literally weeping with joy. like i’d been going with they/them/their for a couple years at that point

i came out to my parents about that one pretty shortly after realizing it because i was OVERJOYED. they’d been working on calling me vann for awhile at that point and the pronouns. i’ve since learned that so long as soebody has my name, 90% of the time i legit do not care what pronouns somebody uses. im aware that people perceive me differently and it’s fine. i mean neutral pronouns fill me with euphoria but like it’s fine. so long as somebody doesn’t mistake me for cis

my parents are like so great about it now. they correct people who deadname me (except my grandma cause she’s like 85 and i gave her permission years ago) and my mother straight cut contact with family members who refuse to respect me. except my brothers but like she makes it clear whenever they’re going to be awful that she WILL NOT tolerate it. like they don’t dare trash me in front of our father. he’s old now but he will backhand one of my brothers for that and they know it. so they try it with our mom and she’s like “try it again and you won’t hear from me until you apologize for trashing your sister”

i realized i was poly when cake came back into my life. that was a serious mess involving their abusive ex girlfriend but we clicked and it ended up working so yknow. that was my easiest coming out actually. my parents were like “yknow, you always seemed to love people when you were a kid. and you had SO many crushes. makes sense” which was awesome. it was the most difficult emotionally but  the easiest because i’d already come out twice before so it was whatever

the demi thing was discovered in therapy. and like it doesn’t have much in the way of impact like the other things do. so i never really came out about that? there wasn’t really a point? like i talk about it when it comes up but it’s just whatever. i honestly have no idea if i ever told my family?????

WITH THAT NONSENSE IN MIND, HERE’S HOW TO STEALTH AND BE OK MENTALLY

you said homophobic so im gonna assume you’re not straight. no idea about gender and, honestly, so far as gender goes i’ve seen it’s safer to lean into masculinity than it is femininity. so if you’re amab, i don’t really have tips or tricks for that as i’m afab. with being afab, lean into the tomboy aesthetic so you seem acceptably (safely) your assigned gender. i recommend fun lipstick and nail polish colors. sparkly nails did wonders for me honestly

but for like not straightness. that’s a tightrope that is but a gossamer thread to balance. like there are ways to stealth gender expression and feel affirmed but queerness is a different animal or it was for me

so i had AT LEAST one space in my life where i was 100%, unapologetically, loudly out. like i’m here, i’m queer and flying my rainbow flag and not at all sorry about it OUT. for awhile, it was just my very closest friends in the whole world. then it was tumblr. then i made a facebook for people irl i could trust. 0 family and 0 people who couldn’t be chill about it

like having a carved space for you to just be the authentic you, whatever that is. for me, that’s all this queer mess, the polycule that is my family, my faith, my absolutely foul mouth, my mental illnesses, my love of good coffee or a glass of wine every now and then as a rare treat, the good and the bad the ugly and the uncategorizable all together. the struggle with the word of wisdom AND the love of my spouses. all of that

it’s affirming to have this space where you’re yourself and people accept you for who you are rather than what gets your engine revving. but you’ve also got to try and stealth that into wherever you can. you want a dyke spike? go for it and say it’s a pixie cut. plaids are in right now which is a lowkey signal to other queers you’re a queer too no matter your gender. just depends on what shoe you pair it with and other queers will take notice while non queers will just think you’re trendy

it was also fun for me to get that pan flag aesthetic wherever i could. like blue/pink galaxy type eyeshadow that wasn’t too peacock flashy so it looked Hot without being Obvious and a pink lipstick and yellow nails. like it was subtle but i knew what was going on and it felt good. i did the same with rainbows but i had more to work with there. like i’d have an inconspicuous notebook where i’d paint/paste a rainbow on the inside cover so that it was Normal from the outside and BAM! GAY! on the inside. did that with highlighting my notes too

i just kind of stuck it everywhere i could possibly get away with. people were excited to see me go from emo to bring colors becuase “oh wow! you’re finally not sad!” lol no i’m just stealth queer over here

i also wrote SO MUCH queer fanfiction. i didn’t publish any of it just in case but i have notebooks full of stuff. i also rped with people as a way to live vicariously through characters. i also READ a lot of queer fanfiction actually. i saved all kinds of fanart and photo manipulations of certain pairings together. like i couldn’t be out so i could have fiction where others were

i also poured myself into hobbies. i fenced, did karate, learned japanese, participated in drama club, played in a band, took piano lessons, taught myself to draw, journaled, learned to cook, read amazing books, played video games, learned to sing. like i’m sure there are other things i’m forgetting? basically, if it was EVER covered in a young women’s activity pretty much anywhere in the world, i learned at least those basic skills. like i can embroider now even

so like that’s how i stealthed and stayed sane. i was also in therapy where i was out to whatever therapist i was seeing at the time which ABSOLUTELY helped. i also made like queer playlists i would listen to. like same love, i kissed a girl, born this way, etc that i would listen to when i needed to just sink into it. music in general is super cathartic and i’ve gotta say green day, acdc, evanescence, bon jovi, etc got me through some tough shit

i also yelled at god. i yelled at god a LOT actually. like i know we get told “pray for comfort” but sometimes you need to bawl your eyes out and just SCREAM at the almighty. dude can take it. he’s god after all. he can handle our anger. it isn’t disrespectful. like if you ever do cross a line, he’ll let you know. like your thoughts will hard stop. you’ll know

but empty your lungs screaming in pain. let him know it isn’t fair, you’re not happy. beg for relief from the nightmares you’re living. demand to know if or when it’ll ever get better. burn yourself out yelling and crying and fall asleep drenched in tears. then wake up the next day and live your life and you know what?

you’ll feel better. maybe not a lot sometimes and maybe everything is cool for once in forever. but it definitely helped me a lot. like dude listens and you WILL feel better even if the things around you dont get better. you get some strength to get through and be ok and it’s super helpful

but that’s what i got. also bear in mind that i came out to thousands of people by yelling at my mother in a restaurant when all the ships were in because everybody in said restaurant texted everybody they knew and my texts were flooded in like an hour of “DON’T TELL ME YOU CAME OUT TO YOUR MOM LIKE THAT OMG” and “you’re queer!?” so like

i’m not the best when it comes to stealth queering so take my advice with a grain of salt

[iambwhatiamb]

Dialogue

"Ugh, but did you see them?"

"You're like a five-year-old. Yes, I saw them: I was there."

"They're so beautiful. I'm actually gonna die."

"Please don't. Imagine having to explain that your best friend fangirled to death."

"My heart is literally trying to jump out of my chest."

"I can see the headline now: A Chicago teen is in intensive care after overfangirling at a Q&A panel."

"It wasn't just a Q&A panel. It was the Q&A panel."

"My god, you're serious."

"I was so close! I was so close, I could've touched them!"

"We were in the fourth row back and they were on stage, so how about no."

"Okay, but like... god, they were so beautiful. I'd marry that entire cast."

"Including the drone?"

"Especially the drone. Did you see those mechanics?"

"As you keep conveniently forgetting, I was sitting next to you. Yes, I saw."

"Literally nothing else in my life matters right now. I could drop dead this second and I'd go down with a smile."

"Goodness. I'm sure what's-his-face would show up at the funeral."

"Do you really think so?"

"No. I was joking– for god's sake, put that knife down!"

"If they come to my funeral–"

"Drop the knife. I won't come to your funeral if... oh, just quit twirling!"

"I can't help it! I have so much energy. I'm never going to sleep again!"

"I assume you're never going to wash that shoulder again while you're at it."

"Because she bumped me! She bumped into me. I couldn't... I didn't..."

"You were totally starstruck. I saw. I thought you were drunk, you could barely walk afterwards.

"Who needs alcohol when you've got adrenaline? Whee!"

"You were bumped into and you got to ask a question. Whoop-dee-do."

"I know. My life is complete."

"See, I was being sarcastic and you're being serious."

"How can I not be serious? I got to see the most perfect people on the planet in person!"

"Get off the table. You're being weird."

"I'm being happy. I'm being thrilled. I'm being overjoyed that I was in that room."

"Yeah, but it was two days ago."

"So? I'm still gonna be bragging about it on my deathbed."

"You're in a morbid mood today."

"After seeing them, all that's left to confront is my own mortality."

"Deep. And creepy."

"But they were so precious! I want to adopt them all and care for them forever."

"I thought you were going to marry them?"

"I'll do both!"

"See, now that's weird."

"I'm actually crying right now at how amazing they were. Look, tears."

"Get out of my face, I can see them."

"I can't believe I saw the entire cast. I bet Robert Downey Jr.'s tears taste like unicorns."

"They probably taste like salt and ego. Why would you want to drink his tears?"

"I just want to touch him. Them. Any of them. I'm not picky."

"They're like three times your age."

"And sooooo hot!"

"What's the opposite of a cougar? You're that."

"I don't– woah!"

"See, now, that was stupid."

"Owwwww."

"Get over yourself. You're fine. I'll get you an ice pack."

"Thanks, bestie."

"You're literally acting drunk right now. It's been two days."

"Maybe I'm drunk off the fumes of pure awesomeness!"

"So, first, that's not how it works."

"What's second?"

"There is no second. That's it."

"Boo, boring."

"Stop. There's no music. You don't get to dance if there's no music."

"Boring!"

"As boring as Mr. Rosenthal?

"Don't even get me started. Literally nothing is as boring as Rosenthal."

"Go on."

"I mean, he gives us some bio assignment that takes ten minutes and leaves us alone for an hour!"

"It sucks."

"It totally– hey, wait."

"Hmm?"

"You're distracting me!"

"Whaaaaat? No way."

"Yeah, I was talking about how freaking amazing Chris Evans is– did you see his arms?"

"For the last time, I was there."

"He's so totally beautiful."

"Weren't you on about Robert Downey Jr.?"

"I mean, yeah, but I want them all."

"Like Pokémon."

"Yeah, kinda."

"If only you could encounter celebrities in the wild as often as you find Pokémon."

"I would pull an Ash Ketchum and leave my home to wander the woods forever if it meant I could run into Tom Holland."

"What about Chris Evans?"

"I'm flighty. Don't judge me."

"You're fantasizing about marrying and adopting an entire team of Avengers. Yeah, I'm judging."

"You're such a mom-friend."

"If I'm a mom friend, it's only because you're acting like a child."

"Okay, that was good. Feel free to drop a mic and walk away."

"I would, but I don't want to imagine what you'd get up to without supervision."

"I'm a strong, independent woman who don't need no man."

"Double negative. And what about all the men you've been fangirling over all weekend?"

"I'm a strong, independent woman, who doesn't need any men with a few notable exceptions."

"Better."

"I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry. I'm amazed you're as skinny as you are."

"Aw, babe!"

"Just a comment, not a compliment."

"Awww..."

"Ugh, don't do the puppy eyes. Now I feel bad."

"See? I win. I could be a politician."

"Would your inauguration speech just be you staring pitifully at the camera?"

"Yep!"

"Awesome. You've got my vote."

"Wait, how old do you have to be to run for president?"

"Thirty-five, I think. Just another two decades to go."

"Oh, yeah! I'd run on a platform of cupcakes for everyone!"

"Good lord, you're actually Pinkie Pie."

"Who?"

"From My Little Pony? She's bright pink, hyperactive, and defies all laws of physics."

"So, my spirit animal?"

"Basically. She's got some good songs, too."

"Wait, since when do you watch My Little Pony?"

"I babysit, don't I? Every kids' show ever has made its way into my nightmares. I swear, if I hear the theme song for Sophia the First one more time..."

"Maybe don't finish that sentence in front of the kids you babysit."

"Yeah, I've essentially had to swear off swearing so that I don't let slip a no-no word."

"Oh my god, a no-no word? That's fabulous!"

"And hard to avoid. I've got a sailor's vocabulary, you know that."

"Hey, I only know that I know nothing."

"Getting all paradoxical up in here, I see."

"Cornish pixies!"

"What the f–fluff? Why are you talking about Cornish pixies?"

"Well, I was thinking about the panel again, and so I started thinking about Loki, and then Tom Hiddleston, and how he's so British, so then I started thinking about Harry Potter because, duh, it's my life, and in the second book, you know how Gilderoy Lockhart is all like hey guys check out these dope Cornish pixies?"

"Obviously."

"And thus, Cornish pixies."

"You are the fangirliest fangirl I've ever laid eyes on. And I've laid eyes on a lot."

"Okay, but when I'm talking about, like, school or something, I'm normal, right?"

"Except for Mondays. Your freakish cheerfulness on Monday mornings is definitively not normal."

"Just because you're an actual zombie in the mornings–"

"Can you blame me?"

"A hundred percent. You're a big girl now, you should know to go to bed earlier."

"Who's the mom friend now?"

"As an annoying know-it-all once said: If I'm a mom friend, it's because you're being a child."

"What a wise quote. Whoever said that is probably a genius."

"And has like, zero emotions."

"Okay, hang on. Yes, I'm apathetic–"

"Did you just say you're pathetic?"

"No–"

"Because I, like, totally agree."

"As I was saying. Maybe I'm a little apathetic, but that's why we work well together, right? You tend to overflow with every emotion ever."

"I so don't do that."

"Girl, you started crying because that puppy yesterday was really cute."

"Because it was."

"It was animated. You started crying at the animated cartoon puppy."

"Animated puppies are still cute! All puppies are created equal. Down with the pup-triarchy!"

"Let's focus on people first before we get into dog politics."

"Ugh, people are stupid."

"Only stupid people get frustrated by the incompetence of others."

"What?"

"I was trying to modify the phrase 'only boring people get bored' but it didn't really work."

"Damn right it didn't, girlfriend."

"Anyways, you said you were hungry?"

"I did?"

"Didn't you? Like ten minutes ago."

"Ohhhhh, right! Yeah, I'm still hungry."

"Let's fix that, shall we? I suggest tacos."

"You know me so well. Let's do it."

[bgnmagic]

The Iron Chair - Merlin fanfic

Summary: Merlin and Arthur are captured by bandits, they attempt to torture Arthur using the iron chair. Merlin has to decide whether to reveal his magic in order to save Arthur. Whump ensues. Need I say more?

WORK:

The next punch that flew at his gut was harder than the last. Arthur doubled over in pain, but he didn’t stop fighting against the four men that were bodily dragging him towards his doom. Not much truly terrified Arthur. However, the thing these men were about to strap him to was going to kill him, painfully.  

Unable to get away, Arthur struggled in vain as he was moved closer to the chair covered in hundreds of little sharp spikes. His boots had already been wrenched from his feet along with the forced removal of his chainmail and coat. These men meant to inflict maximum pain with their efforts.

He was about to start screaming out of shear panic when the chair’s appearance shifted. The change had been so slight that Arthur almost stopped fighting against the men holding him. No one else noticed as they were too focused on preventing his escape. Arthur’s brain was working overtime to figure out what had just happened.

The metal spikes looked almost see through, it was hard to actually determine why until Arthur was pushed down into the chair and the men began using thick leather straps to hold him down. Crying out on instinct more than anything Arthur realized the little pointy ends of each spike were now blunt. Relaxing only for a split second Arthur tried to think.

Once he was fully strapped to the chair he’d be unable to get free, time was running out before all the restraints were in place. Merlin couldn’t help, he wasn’t conscious. Straining to fight once more Arthur finally realized something very important. Magic had dulled the spikes on the chair. Merlin wasn’t unconscious after all.

“Merlin! I know, m’not mad!” Arthur shouted frantically, hoping his friend would understand his meaning.

A groan of pain and a blast of magic followed his plea for help. All four men in the room with them were thrown against the stone walls and fell down unmoving. Merlin’s magic had even moved the wretched chair he was in a few inches. Breathing heavily Arthur attempted to pull his arms free but they were stuck fast to the arms of the chair. The dulled metal spikes dug into his skin but they didn’t pierce the flesh.

“Can you free me?” Arthur asked while working to quell his own panic at the possibility of their freedom slipping away. The silence he got as an answer was unnerving. “Merlin?!” Arthur shouted in hopes of getting a response. His manservant appeared to have passed out. It was no wonder why, the poor man had been beaten first and then strung up by his wrists and left to hang from the ceiling.

The dark chains their attackers had used to bind Merlin were digging into his soft flesh and had already left a trail of blood behind. Arthur was sure that Merlin had saved him from certain death by altering the nature of the metal spikes. There had to be a way to free himself so he could help Merlin.

His arms were a no go, trying his legs next Arthur nearly cried in joy when he discovered his left foot had been strapped too loose. Taking a deep breath Arthur pulled his foot free. Getting his foot up and crossed over to reach his hand took some effort, but he managed. Ripping off his sock Arthur used his toes to undo the leather restraint on his right wrist. It took a few tries since he was shaking so badly, but after a few seconds Arthur had fumbled with the strap enough to get it to release. He was in the home stretch now; they were going to make it out of this alive!

Arthur practically threw himself out of the chair once the last restraint was loosened. Falling to the floor he gasped in a breath, he had to help Merlin. Forcing his aching limbs into action Arthur stood and looked for where the chain was secured. Rushing over he lowered Merlin to the ground. Merlin’s body was still limp as he crumpled into a heap on the floor.

Wasting no time Arthur ran over and worked to remove the chains on Merlin’s wrists. His manservant was pale and his breathing was labored, being strung up in that nature made the simple task of taking a breath very difficult. “Merlin, wake up please I need you right now,” Arthur pleaded while patting his cheek.

Merlin stirred slightly and blearily opened his tired blue eyes a second later, “R’you hurt?” he slurred.

“Bruised, nothing time won’t handle,” Arthur answered quickly. “You don’t look so good, can you heal yourself?” he asked honestly. Merlin’s eyes opened wide as he attempted to push himself away. “No, no, no, Merlin, its okay I meant it I’m not mad about the magic, we need to get out of here first. We can talk later alright?” Arthur replied with worry.

“I’m too exhausted to do a proper healing spell right now,” Merlin mumbled from where he was still lying on the hard stone floor.

“Well then do what you can right now, it should help a little right?”

Nodding Merlin closed his eyes and uttered something in a foreign tongue. His body convulsed immediately afterward and Arthur worried that he’d passed out again. Reaching out Arthur gently shook Merlin’s shoulder and relief flooded over him when those familiar eyes opened and peered up at Arthur.

“Any better?”

“Yeah, I think I might be able to stand now.”

Arthur quickly snatched his lone sock and boots and threw them on. Deciding the chainmail wasn’t worth the effort he hauled Merlin up and they cautiously made their way outside. Merlin couldn’t stay upright so Arthur had to help him along as they searched for an exit. The place they’d been taken to was a partially abandoned castle ruin. It was filled with empty passages and tumbling walls. Only the great hall and the bloody dungeons were intact.

Avoiding the rest of the men waiting in the crumbling courtyard Arthur steered them towards the back of the castle. “There should be another way out, come on let’s find it.”

Merlin didn’t say anything in response but simply sighed and leaned a little more into Arthur’s side. Thankfully, the gods were being kind as they hunted around for a back exit. There, right next to a sizable hole in the outer wall, were all the bad guy’s horses tied up, their own having been spooked and run off, from the initial fight in the woods earlier. Pulling Merlin along Arthur took notice to see which horse reacted well to his manservant.

Merlin was always good with horses; they liked him most times and wouldn’t act up. Arthur had always had the luck to get the rowdiest animal in the bunch. He loved his horses but this time he needed a calm steed. When a brown mare attempted to burrow its nose into Merlin’s side Arthur knew he’d found the right horse. Leaving Merlin literally hanging onto the horse’s neck he found a saddle and quickly got everything in order.

Helping Merlin up onto the horse’s back took a few attempts, but they managed and soon they were slipping out the back and following a path through the moonlit woods. Wondering how best to hold onto Merlin, Arthur snaked one arm around his friend’s chest and gripped his opposite shoulder. “I’m not hurting you am I?”

“No, can you reach the reins alright?”

“Yeah, but you can hold them if you think you’ll stay awake,” Arthur offered.

Merlin hummed in acknowledgement as he made a weak attempt at prying the reins from Arthur’s hand. They eventually ended up holding it together. Arthur was more than fine with that. Feeling Merlin’s hand in his own was enough to keep him grounded.  

“How long have you known?” Merlin eventually asked when the path left the forest and opened up into a field.

“Since you announced it to the entire council, when you were trying to save Gwen,” Arthur answered calmly.

Merlin huffed out a short breath, “So you believed me after all?”

“Certainly, I sort of panicked when you said all of that, and I knew I needed you to help me clear Gwen’s name so I couldn’t let you get tossed in the dungeons.”

“And you aren’t mad?”

“I was, but I’m not anymore. You aren’t evil despite what my father says about magic, I know that much. If you hadn’t saved me just now I’d be bleeding out in that freakish death chair. I have no doubt you’re here to help not hinder.”

“I didn’t know what to do back there, I was so tired and you were yelling and --,” Merlin trailed off in thought.  

“You made the spikes dull, right?” checked Arthur.

“Yes, I had to cast an illusion spell to hide it though, I didn’t want them figuring out what I’d done. Then, when you said you knew I hoped it was about the magic. I had no other choice left so I had to take the risk.”

Arthur involuntarily shuddered at the memory. “I’ve never been so scared Merlin, that thing was terrifying.”

“Did it hurt?”

“It wasn’t comfortable, but it didn’t hurt, not like it was designed to at least.”

“When I came to after you’d released me you were shaking so badly I thought you were upset about the magic.”

Arthur hugged Merlin closer at that admission. “I’m sorry Merlin, I don’t want you to think I’d ever hurt you. It was that blasted chair, my adrenaline was through the roof, and I wasn’t sure if you were okay or not.”  

“What now?” Merlin asked and Arthur could tell he wasn’t referring to their current situation.

“Once we’re safe and rested we can talk more about all that’s happened. I know I’ve got questions that only you can answer.”

“Should we tell the knights?”

“Not sure, but I do know it would be helpful to know your true strength when we get attacked. I can’t imagine having to hide your abilities when people’s lives are on the line.”

“Lancelot already knows,” Merlin nearly whispered.

“That doesn’t surprise me, is he the only one? What about Gwen?”

“No she doesn’t know either.”

“Well, I don’t feel so bad about not being officially told then.”

“I’ve not told anyone Arthur. Lancelot figured it out himself.”

“I assume Gaius must know.”

“We are roommates,” retorted Merlin.

Arthur couldn’t help but laugh, “Of course, I imagine it would be hard to keep something like that secret. He practiced magic back before the purge anyway.”

“How much farther should we ride?” Merlin asked changing the subject. “I’m not sure how long I can go without a lie-down.”

“You and me both,” Arthur sighed. “Do you remember seeing a sign for an inn when we rode through yesterday?”  

“We have no money,” Merlin huffed.

“We have a horse to sell, that should get us a room for a few days. I can send word to Camelot and the knights can come get us.”

“That actually sounds like a good plan.”

“I always have good plans,” he quipped. Arthur chose to ignore Merlin’s smirk as they ambled along, he was too tired to jest with his friend.

After nearly two hours they found the inn. Their horse trade worked well and they were given a room for a whole week. Arthur prepared a message, and left it with the innkeeper for the next traveler towards Camelot. It shouldn’t take more than a few days for his knights to arrive.

Arthur managed to order a hot meal for them both as he helped Merlin to the room. The innkeeper nodded and sent a boy along with them to get the fire started. Once the food had arrived and the fire was crackling brightly Arthur dismissed the boy and closed the door. Barring it with a chair just to be safe Arthur turned his attention towards Merlin.

His manservant was lying on the lone bed and appeared to be asleep. “Merlin, are you hungry, we should eat before we pass out.”

Merlin grunted softly as an answer and turned his head to look at Arthur better. “Can you feed me?”

Barking out a laugh Arthur grabbed a plate and crossed the room to set it on the bed. “I’m sure you can manage to shove some food in that big mouth of yours.”

“Ha, maybe,” he grumbled turning over on his side with a wince. Merlin did finish his food albeit much slower than normal.

Hoping they were truly safe from harm Arthur attempted to relax. His own body ached from being manhandled; sleep would be welcome when he retired for the night. However, first he needed to do one thing. Tend to Merlin’s injuries.

Merlin flinched slightly when Arthur approached the bed and sat down grabbing his hand. “I’m only going to clean and wrap your wrists. Those chains tore at the flesh a little.”

“Hanging like that hurt,” Merlin added softly.

“I’m glad we were able to escape.”

“Hearing you panic like that was scary Arthur; I don’t want to go through that ever again.”

“You and me both, Merlin,” answered Arthur as he set to work bandaging Merlin’s wrists. Once he was finished Merlin was fast asleep. He looked better already despite having been descended upon by thugs. Rising from the bed Arthur gently worked Merlin’s boots free and brought the blanket up to cover his friend. Sighing heavily Arthur undressed as well and gingerly crawled in next to Merlin.

Tomorrow they’d rest and stay in the room. Arthur didn’t want to see anyone else right now. They were safe, that’s all that mattered at the moment. Exhaustion clung to him as Arthur lay there staring at the ceiling. It didn’t take long before he felt himself pulled into the lulls of sleep. Thankfully, he didn’t dream at all that night.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33275734

[emilytj8-blog]

Influential films

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Gummo (1998) directed by Harmony Korine

Easily making it to the top in my selection of favourite films, Gummo is one of the most unique, uncomfortable, yet enchanting films I’ve seen. A series of bleak vignettes, surrounding the story of two young men trying to get by in the dismal, tornado-struck city of Xenia, Ohio, sends us into a world of adolescence, drug abuse, violence, sex and misfortune. Harmony Korine’s use of unusual characters and miserable scenarios makes this film a grim but fascinating gem, which took me multiple viewings to decide what I thought it all meant. I recommend this film to everyone who needs something to watch- but warn them about the scenes of violence, particularly the animal cruelty. (No animals are actually harmed, but for some it’s still hard to watch.) Everyone should watch this film!

The Wicker Man (1973) directed by Robin Hardy

This is another favourite- it’s almost impossible for me to have a single favourite as I love so many films. But this film is one that has had a big influence on me from a younger age. Adapted from David Pinner’s renowned book Ritual, this film is peculiar, sinister and iconic, and features some of my favourite actors of all time: Christopher Lee, Ingrid Pitt and Britt Ekland! This chilling film focuses on themes such as spirituality, rituals and the conflict between differing beliefs. It makes you question conventional values, and empathise with what would otherwise be seen as evil… In 2003 a remake of The Wicker Man was released, featuring Nicolas Cage, however this film had a generally negative response, and I think this is due to the representation of the people of Summerisle. Whilst The Wicker Man gives an insight to the beliefs of the islanders, and helps us understand why they do what they do (no spoilers), the remake unfortunately presents them as evil, malicious people. This spoils the essence of the story; but as an independent film, with no relations to the original Wicker Man, it could pass as a tolerable horror film.

Eraserhead (1993 in the UK, 1977 in USA) directed by David Lynch

Eraserhead had to feature in this list of influential films, because ever since I watched it, memories of it have never failed to make me feel uneasy! The one word I would use to describe this film, is ‘nightmare’. It surprised me when I found out how early it was filmed, but after some thought, I think a lot of weird things happened in the seventies. My mum told me about this film, so I decided to give it a watch, and whilst it was difficult to finish, I think I enjoyed it. What I like about this- and many other of my favourite films- is the fact it had a significant effect on me. Whether I enjoy a film or not, if it leaves me thinking about it for days, even weeks, it’s done its job in my eyes. What’s the point in a film which doesn’t affect you mentally? This film is creepy, unsettling and hard to make sense of, but it’s pure art. I wouldn’t recommend watching it alone, or when you’re not sober, and have something nice to watch when it’s finished!

Witchfinder General (1968) directed by Michael Reeves

Admittedly, I probably first watched this film because I was obsessed with Dani Filth when I was younger, and he mentioned it in an interview. But being interested in witchcraft and the macabre punishments that were in place during the witch-hunting era, this film was my cup of tea. It’s gruesome and leaves you feeling terrible for the poor women suspected of witchcraft, but Matthew Hopkins, the witchfinder himself, is incredibly strong in character in a terrifying way. The film has a gloomy substance, and when it finished I was left in a bit of a miserable state. But that is what a good horror does!

Basket Case (1982) directed by Frank Henenlotter

This is another film which had to make the list purely because of its disturbing and outlandish essence. This film is absolute madness, the idea is total lunacy and I won’t even mention it here, for the sake of those yet to watch it. Just seeing the poster for this film either makes you laugh, or cry, and the film does exactly the same. Basket Case comes as a trilogy, and for me get more ridiculous with each film. It does categorise as a comedy horror, and it was probably scarier for an audience in the eighties, and now just humorous for contemporary viewers. This film is great for watching if you fancy something weird, hilarious and a bit creepy.

Kids (1996 in the UK, 1995 in USA) directed by Larry Clark

With Harmony Korine writing the screenplay for this film, I saw a lot of similarities between Kids and Gummo, in the characters and style. Featuring Chloe Sevigny, a brilliant actress, who also stars in Gummo, this film looks at the theme of drugs, violence, STDs and sex in a group of teenagers. The film opens with an uncomfortably long scene of a young, underage girl graphically kissing an older boy, and this is just the first of many painful scenes, typical of Korine’s story writing. The story follows the teenage boy Telly’s perverted quests and a young woman Jennie’s journey to find the man who gave her HIV. This film is great in respect to its cinematography, emotional provocation and acting.

Moulin Rouge (2001) directed by Baz Luhrmann

This is one of the more mainstream films I adore. I love everything about it, the actors and actresses, the plot, the music, the colours, the romance, Paris, everything. I used to watch this film all the time when I was younger. I think it humorously and poignantly captures the themes of culture, theatre, desperation and romance, through the use of social class, prostitution and wealth. Another one I’d highly recommend to anyone who hasn’t seen it yet!

Dracula (1958) directed by Terence Fisher

I’m pleased to be able to say I read Bram Stoker’s Dracula way before I watched any of the film adaptations- so I had a good basis to go off when deciding which was my favourite. To be perfectly honest, Christopher Lee’s presence in this film makes me slightly biased, as well Peter Cushing’s (he lived in my hometown, Whitstable). The first time I watched this film was on a big projector by the beach near my home, at a mini film festival during Summer 2013. It was a great setting, as it played during the sunset, so the atmosphere was beautiful. Christopher Lee just portrays the best Dracula, fulfilling the most characteristics described by Bram Stoker, and looks genuinely terrifying for a film made in the late-fifties. Whilst Bela Lugosi’s portrayal of Count Dracula is still iconic, it doesn’t quite fit the alarming and formidable demeanour which Dracula needs- however, this probably wasn’t as achievable- or legal to show on screens- in the early thirties.

Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979) directed by Werner Herzog

This is the only version of Nosferatu I have seen so far, so I can’t compare it to the earlier or later ones, but I enjoyed this film so much. Nosferatu is one of the more spine-chilling vampire characters invented, with horrible protruding teeth and a freakish, bald head. The classic image of Nosferatu leaning over Lucy, (the typical, swooning, voluptuous damsel in distress) fangs at the jugular, is one of the best stills created in film. I think Lucy is portrayed perfectly, she is particularly beautiful and stands out to me. She works perfectly in contrast with the ugly, frightening Nosferatu, who remains just as hideous in each theatrical representation. This film is great, and as usual, not as scary nowadays as it was originally intended, but nevertheless a brilliant watch.

Gaslight (1940) directed by Thorold Dickinson

Not to be confused with the 1944 American remake, this film follows the manipulative relationship between Bella and Paul Mallen following a murder. The whole plot is Paul cruelly convincing Bella that she is going mad, and she begins to doubt her own mind and sanity. He controls her into believing that much of reality is actually just in her own head. The whole story is a tale of deception and manipulation, and fortunately there is justice in the end. It’s hard to write about why this is one of my favourites, as many of my reasons gives away a lot of the plot! It’s one of the older films I like, and sadly older films are sometimes disregarded because of their age. I would really recommend this puzzling and exciting film, which keeps you on edge throughout its entirety. The term ‘gaslighting’, a form of manipulation which causes people to doubt their sanity, originates from this film!

Metropolis (1927) directed by Fritz Lang

Metropolis is a German, silent science-fiction film, which I was fortunate enough to see featuring many scenes which had been missing for a long time! I found this film quite difficult to understand, especially as I wasn’t used to seeing silent films at the time, and it was incredibly long. However, music assists silent films so much, revealing a lot of emotion and suspense which would otherwise be hard to detect. The film is extremely symbolic, looking at cultural and political issues in Germany, such as democracy and capitalism. I had to include this in my list as again, it was very influential for me, and many other film fans. I’m not politically educated enough to quite understand Fritz Lang’s meaning, but it’s open for interpretation, and everyone who watches it has a fresh perspective and unique ideas on what it could mean.

Betty Blue (1986) directed by Jean-Jacques Beineix

Betty Blue has a secure, cherished and precious place in my heart and soul. That sounds dramatic, but it is honestly one of the most romantic, poignant and intense films I’ve watched. It’s also a book, which I read shortly after watching the film for the first time, and it impressed me equally as much as the film. It follows the turbulent and passionate relationship between Betty and Zorg, who are madly in love and care for nothing but each other. The film is really long, but takes you through a vigorous journey of emotions. I don’t think I’ve ever watched Betty Blue without weeping at the end. It’s set in France too, which creates an all the more romantic and seductive sense in the film. Because you experience the couple go through so much, you get to know the characters so well and a sturdy attachment to them is made. Whilst so many events take place, the imperishable love for Betty that Zorg has is endlessly felt throughout the entire film. It truly captures the essence of unconditional love.

[wandamaximoff12-blog]

Chapter 1: Temporary Avenger

Chapter 1: Temporary Avenger

Mallory’s POV

“Ell, I don't have time, OK? I gotta go,” I lied to my older brother. I just wanted to get away from this particular subject.

“OK, then just answer my question Mal and I'll let you leave. Why do you not want to live here with me?” Elliot Jackson, my older brother looked down at me. I could tell he was very annoyed with me, but was trying his hardest to keep his cool. I didn't know how to put into words how awful it was for me, a nineteen year old to have to share everything with my older brother who had earned it all with hard work and good judgement. His wife, his house, his money, I didn't need all of that. It was his.

“Because I hate having to rely on you for everything,” I said, not keeping eye contact and trying to slip away through the kitchen door.

“Relying on people is fine, Mal! Especially when they've looked after you your entire life!” Elliot shouted after me as I ran through the door.

“Not my entire life!” I hissed back at Elliott, not watching where I was going. I ran right into my very pregnant sister-in-law.

“Sorry, Anya, I was just leaving,” I said as I crossed the living room and grabbed the front door.

“Wait! Mal! Where're you going?” Elliott passed his worried looking wife and shut the door before I could leave.

“Away,” I snapped, pulling at the door Elliott was holding closed.

“Well, just know the bedroom upstairs will always be available to you even when the baby is born, OK?” Elliott said.

“Sure, Ell,” I sighed.

And then, being the stronger one, I yanked the door open, sending Elliott backwards.

“‘Bye,” I slammed the door behind me.

I had no idea where I was going. I just drove on. I needed a break from my overbearing brother. I loved Elliott, but ever since he married Anya he has been different and more protective and needy. He had always been those things, of course. But now more than ever. He is always asking me to stay at the house he had bought for him and his wife in Queens. But I had an apartment of my own, and I didn't want to live with my brother and his wife just because he wants to keep a closer eye on me. It seemed wrong that Elliot was the one to provide everything for me. Everything. And I was the one with superpowers. So why shouldn't I be the one protecting him? Because you're too weak and afraid, said a voice in the back of my head. It was true. I have always been afraid to use the powers I inherited from my father. I never wanted them in the first place. And if I’m pretending they don't exist, then Elliott is as well. That was the good thing about Elliott, he always knew what was best for me. He always knew what I wanted and needed him to do. I smiled and felt a great surge of affection for my brother who, despite the fact that his little sister has always been greater and more powerful, felt the need to protect me and somehow always knew what was right. I was now starting to feel guilty so I looked around for something to distract me from this unwanted emotion.

I have extremely thick and curly hair. It was jet black, waist length, and annoyed me greatly, though I learned to live with it. At the moment it was tied up in a high ponytail. It always seemed to be the thing that people noticed about me first. People had many words to describe it, and I was called “beautiful” on a regular basis because of it. But my hair wasn't my only attractive feature. I had bright blue eyes that looked rather unusual on my dark skin. This was because I was only half Puerto Rican, the bright blue eyes came from my father. I also had high cheekbones, and everything about my face seemed to compliment itself. Elliott has the same features that I do, but they don't look as attractive on a man for some reason. He was frequently called a “pretty boy”, but it didn't seem to bother him so much. He was alright with being the less powerful, less attractive sibling. And I never really knew why he was so OK with this and never seemed irritated that I seemed to get all the attention. Although, we were both adults now, and things such as who gets the most attention didn't really matter anymore. Suddenly, I got my wish that something would come to distract me from my unwanted thoughts, my phone started ringing. In an attempt to see who was calling and answer it depending on what the number said, I took my eyes off the road for a second and grabbed my phone out of my bag on the passenger seat. But suddenly, there was a loud squeak, and the car jumped. I jerked my head up to see what I had hit. I let out a breath of relief when I looked back and saw it was only a squirrel. Not being very fond of animals or wildlife in general, I drove away carelessly from the dead rodent which had blood gushing out of its split open side.

Holding my phone to the steering wheel, and keeping the road in my peripheral vision, I looked at my phone screen and gasped. Immediately, I pulled over on the side of the road and groaned. The phone kept ringing and I just let it ring. What does he want? I wondered, looking at the words “incoming call: Stark” on my phone. Last time I saw Tony Stark, it didn't end very well. And I left on very bad terms. Why would he be calling me now? I wondered if I just ignored him, if he wouldn't call again. So I clicked ignore on my phone and drove on towards my apartment, trying not to worry about it. Even though, in the back of my head I had a guess as to why Tony Stark would be calling me.

Once home, I collapsed on the sofa and rubbed my eyes. It had been a long day. Elliott had called me at 4:00am in a panic saying that Anya was going into labor. Turns out she wasn't, it was just a cramp, and Anya knew the baby wasn't coming but Elliott insisted on getting her to the hospital anyway. And I had been up the whole night on a mission for SHIELD which also turned out to be a false alarm. I was highly suspicious that everyone in my life wanted to make sure I got the least amount of sleep possible. Just then, my phone started ringing again. And when I looked at it I saw what I was expecting. It was Tony Stark again. After a lot of thinking in a span of about three seconds I decided I couldn't very well ignore him forever, and what was the worst that could happen? Tony Stark couldn't make me do anything I didn't want to, right?

“Stark,” I answered my phone.

“Jackson,” replied Tony Stark’s voice.

“What do you want?”

“It’s not what we want, it's what we need,” replied Tony.

I sighed. I knew what was coming, but I was going to act like I didn't until he asked me specifically. I noted the use of ‘we’.

“OK, then, what do you need? Get to the point,” I said impatiently.

“Oh, please you've got nothing better to do but listen,” said Tony carelessly.

Oh, really? We’re doing this now?

“And like you've got anything better to do then ask me favors,” I snapped.

There was silence. I heard whispers. And then,

“Miss Jackson, this is Steve Rogers,”

I pulled the phone away from my face quickly as if it had burned me. Captain America? Seriously? Underneath all my pride, indignation and fury, I was a little, tiny bit excited that I was on the phone with Captain America. Because, who wouldn't be?

“OK. So what is it that you guys want?” I said into the phone after recovering from my shock. I made sure I was more polite. I had no reason to dislike Captain America, right? “You guys” meaning obviously the team of elite superheroes, Earth's mightiest heroes, The Avengers.

“We want you. Rather, we need you,” said Cap.

“You must be pretty desperate then...” I said.

“We are. Loki is going to return, and we can't stop him alone. Did you see what happened to the city a couple days ago?”

“Yeah, kinda hard to miss,”

I thought back to an army of aliens invading the city lead by Loki, the God of mischief, brother of Thor, God of Thunder, who also happened to be on the Avengers. The Avengers did everything they could to minimize the amount of damage and casualties, but despite their best efforts, there was still a lot of damage. But Loki left, and his army followed him. They disappeared out of the city. The thought of him returning with his army while damage was still being repaired and people were still healing physically and emotionally was terrible. Not scary, though. I'm hardly ever scared.

“Well that's about to go down ten fold. And we were barely enough last time. We need someone else to help. Another hero,” Cap said delicately.

I refrained from snorting but said,

“hero? Oh, I'm not a hero,”

“That's a choice, Mallory. A choice you make,”

I was surprised at the harshness and pleading in his voice. They really did want me. No, they don't, I told myself. They only wanted my freakish powers. They didn't want all of me. It's a funny thing, I thought, Elliott only ever wanted me as a person, and the Avengers only wanted me as a witch. No one wanted the whole package. But you get the whole package anyway. Whether you wanted it or not, unfortunately.

I sighed. “What is it you want me to do exactly?”

“We want you to be an Avenger, and assist us in fighting in the next invasion,”

There was more whispering and talking on the other end but none of it was directed at me. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but then Cap came on again.

“Temporary Avenger,” he corrected himself.

I sighed again. I had already answered ‘no’ to this question twice. Once to Tony Stark, and once to Nick Fury. I wasn't sure why I was hesitating to do the same this time. Maybe it was because of the pleading in Cap’s voice. They really were in trouble. What would Elliott say? I thought. He would go along with whatever I wanted to do. As long as it wasn't too dangerous. But this is dangerous, I thought. But I wasn't afraid of the danger or the aliens or Loki. Then what are you afraid of?

“I’ll help you. I'll do what I can,” I said, shocking myself. What was I agreeing to?

“She says she'll do it,” whispered Cap to who I guessed was Tony.

“You're doing the right thing. SHIELD can bring you up to speed on everything. We have reason to believe the invasion is going to take place tomorrow. Are you prepared for that?” Cap said, and he didn't sound any more relaxed but very important.

“Sure, I've been through worse,” I replied.

After Cap hung up, I called Elliott and tried to remain calm as I told him what I had just done.

“OK, but Mal, why? Why would you agree to this? You've told them ‘no’ already, haven't you?” Elliott said, sounding panicky.

“Yeah, but this time it’s different,” I insisted quietly. Why was I so calm with this? “It sounded like they really needed me,”

“Well they obviously thought you were something that you're not. You're not some superhero!” Elliott said. “Wait, that sounded wrong. I meant that you're not a witch. You've never even used your powers intentionally have you?”

“Well.....” I wasn't sure how to answer that. I had used my powers intentionally many times. On missions for SHIELD, and for other reasons as well, reasons I’d never admit to Elliott.

Elliott sighed. “Mal, you're not supposed to,”

“That's a rule that you made up, Ell! Why shouldn't I? It's not like I can control it constantly!”

“Yes, a rule that I made up. For good reason. You know what people could do to you? People aren't going to love you the way they love Iron Man and Captain America. People will be afraid of you. And you're just gonna use your powers publicly when you have no idea what could happen? They could take you away, Mal! Don't you remember why-” Elliott stopped himself. But I knew what he was going to say.

“Elliott, I can't just pretend I can't do what I can. Sorry, but this feels like a chance. This feels like what I've been waiting for,”

And I knew I sounded crazy. And I didn't even understand it myself. But it did feel right to say yes. Well, it felt righter then to say no. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, and I dreaded having to spend any more time with Tony Stark. But I knew one thing, I really wasn't afraid. Because I hadn't been lying, I have been through worse.