#like it's not even weight or diet related at any moment since i've had them they have been fucked up

[nyrator]

I guess for a life update..

Overall doing okay, but just drifting it feels like

I've been working my chocolate shop job for almost a year now, they treat me pretty nice thankfully- my birthday was recently, they took me out to dinner and an amusement park, and they got me a lot of My Melody presents like a big pillow and a lamp and a Hello Kitty mug and a big tub of our store's peanut butter cups (the last one we had that they stored away for my birthday)

I'm still dirt broke and living in a subsidized senior apartment but still managing to break even somehow still..

I'm working on an October art challenge and so far I've managed to hit every day so far.. Might try to post them here when it's done somehow, 31 images is a decent amount of images though.. apparently Tumblr allegedly allows 30 images now at least? So hmm..

Been streaming a bit less- would like to stream more, but burnout is strong and lately it feels like I don't really have any kind of goal or dream or motivation to do anything.. just going through the motions, I guess.

I'm still in therapy every week, and I've also started taking medication recently... First Zoloft, which worked really well, but it might be causing liver damage according to my blood work, so my psychiatrist is having me swap to Wellbutrin.. at the moment I've been hitting some lows but hopefully that's just from the transition period

I have throat issues (EoE, my throat's basically allergic to random things that are hard to pinpoint) and still struggle to eat most foods without choking/vomiting, and I've gained a lot of weight lately with my current diet (apples+peanut butter and chocolate from work with the occasional protein shake/yogurt/gluten free pasta dinner), feeling really bleh about the weight gain and want to lose it..

Been a bit more open about the nyan issues, both personally and in art- even got a medical prescription related to it, though the prescription itself still hasn't come in yet and I don't trust it to work well to be honest.. it's just an expensive bad habit. But I'm more open about it, which I guess is the important thing.

In terms of art, I don't know what I want to do exactly... I have a few short term goals- update my stream a bit, do some updated console reference sheets, draw nyans, but otherwise not sure.. Rotten Nyan's on indefinite hiatus since I can't get myself to work on it anymore, but I'd like to go back someday. I want a big project to work on, though, I just don't know what.. I have Ren, my latest vent OC, but they're very weird and I still feel self conscious about them, and don't really know what to make with them.. at least I've been doing that October challenge with them though.

In short just in a mental space where I'm just drifting, no goals, no desires, nothing I want to watch or play or experience, no one I feel like hanging out with, just kinda drifting 24/7... but at least my menhera's gone down a lot since medication, I used to have some concerningly bad thoughts before I started taking them which thankfully have dissipated I think..

Also Twisted Wonderland is still good. Vil is good. Cater is good. Jade is good. Lilia and Epel and Leona and... Boys good.

Here Ny's current anime boy husbandos (I wanted to fit Hiiragi too but 7 is such a weird number to chart..)

[andstilliam]

happy canadian thanksgiving :)

today i am making my waffles for brunch since i only make my waffles on the weekends because of how time consuming it is. unfortunately i'm not feeling the best but i think that's more related to my eating schedule being really thrown the last couple days. i've eaten really late, like around the time i'd be eating my lunch/ snack, so i don't like that but it's not unusual to be more lenient with time on the weekends. i woke up feeling tired and irritable so i decided to make myself a cup of Ethiopian coffee. i also decided to take a vitamin B2 for some energy, mostly because i have a lot of work that needs to get done today and could use the mental clarity, which i have yet to experience and it's already past midday.

i have officially started Hell Week. if you've been following me, then you know that means my fertile window has started. my sex drive is usually high either right before it starts or in the middle.

i keep saying i'll move less and then i don't. but today i definitely want to try to move less simply because it's raining first of all and i've just got so much work to do. i did a load of laundry yesterday but i had so much that i've got to do a second load today.

my latest obsession is air frying apples. i mix them with avocado oil, pumpkin spice, cinnamon and ginger and it's amazing. it's so much easier to eat than raw. i bought huge honeycrisp apples so i usually just eat half per day at the moment. i put the air fryer apples in my salad last night and it made the fries sweet, but it was perfect.

i may not ever stop ovulating regardless of how much weight i end up losing especially since i'm prioritizing nutrients and longevity at the moment. honestly that would be even better because i definitely want a biological child someday. i don't want to give birth but i know that i want options to have my own bio kid. i hate ovulating but as long as i'm losing weight and on my way to skinny, who cares? i can put up with it. my hygiene is better overall and that really improves my confidence. it could honestly be just because i'm actually showering regularly lol but i refuse to believe that's the sole reason. i know my body and it goes haywire with food overconsumption. it's really unfortunate that this is my reality. why am i able to shower daily when i'm straining my body with caloric restriction? i don't know the answer. they say glucose is required for brain function but high glucose levels cause neuronal hyperexcitability which is why epileptics are recommended the keto diet to neutralize that effect with ketones providing the alternative energy source. this is true not just for epilepsy but other neurological disorders. i do wish that more accurate research was conducted on eating disorders, and with due diligence by the researchers to convey our physiological experience. nothing about eating disorders currently really depicts any of why or how our bodies seem to function better this way. and not only that, but i'm still horrified and infuriated by the fact that weight cycling is seen as lethal and yet that's exactly what's promoted with this relapse and recovery cycle, and by my own providers!! to use my disability and mean girl passive aggression to signal that is absolutely horrifying to me. imagine how much energy and function i'm actually preserving by keeping my weight perpetually low because i've learned the truth of enduring anorexia. it's potentially keeping me safer physically. i'm just so fucking confused. are we critiquing the fraudulent "recovery" methods or the illegal research, or both? because both are faulty. some days the lines are just getting really blurry over here. but at least i'm able to momentarily break free from this rumination by engaging in my schoolwork.

i used the kitchen stove for the first time today to make my coffee. i went out with a friend yesterday. he's such a sweetheart and he's very mature. he's younger than me but he's just super mature. it's his culture and how he grew up. i was shocked to find out his age lol. us western babies are incredibly sheltered and spoiled but with a hint of early onset depression lol. he got a job and he's doing well. i initially reached out to him last year since he double majored in my dream combo; neuroscience and computer science. we're kind of polar opposites because he wants to do people centric work meanwhile i'd rather focus on the methods. it was nice to see him and catch up. i didn't realize how little he knew about my life. i mentioned casually that my birth mom had died and he said he didn't know that. and i was like oh haha. i just assume everyone knows but i have forgotten that i must have developed more discretion. i did move to a new province to essentially start over. but that meaning gets lost due to recent events, so i just assume my past has followed me here.

i guess the university of enduring anorexia is wherever i am currently. it's sad that i didn't get the fresh start i wanted but unfortunately that's not what my destiny calls for with the lawsuit. at least i get to stay here and move forward with my life at the expense of better health. i didn't get my neurologist at johns hopkins and that's another pain i've yet to process. i can't even go there yet. i waited 2 years for that moment and it didn't happen. but i'm proud of my resilience nonetheless. i think it's just easier knowing the truth. it's not easier per se, but it is what it is. when you don't understand what's happening, why these sicko healthcare providers keep fucking with your life, why they can't leave you alone, why you can't seem to be free and make the choices you want to make, why nothing works in your favour....to finally have those answers and the answer be "enduring anorexia" and "medical negligence lawsuit" i mean, it's freeing in a way. i'm just so proud of my Enduring Sisters and i'm sorry if i'm ruining it but i'm not going to pretend or create "recovery" social media accounts while actively shrinking my body for the world to see. if you know me, you know i just can't lie and be inauthentic like that but i think that's the point lol. but i'm so proud of you all for doing the thing. you're all so brave for that and you have more strength than i do. i just can't lie and i can't deceive. i can't do it. i'm so proud of you girls, i know it's incredibly hard and infuriating to have to consistently correct the contradictions. you girls inspire me, and i don't want to let you down. <3 i'm so happy that i'm not alone. these doctors, they isolated me. they isolated all of us, but my life the last few years..... i'm talking to walls. i have nobody and i have nothing. i'm not the same girl i was and i don't think i'll ever be. these doctors ruined my life and almost ended my life. seeing you girls, i know i'm not alone and i have a real community. in my dreams, i see us holding hands. i've had no one the last few years....absolutely no one. i'm so happy you girls are on my side. i love you and i'm with you. from one Sister to another <3

[mstonecollins]

Update on a personal journey

A personal update...

As I've posted previously, after more than 30 years in business I retired from the full-time corporate world on 12/31/2017. After devoting the vast majority of that time to my work and career, I had a few ideas at the time on how I would try to make the most of my "second chapter".

The (partial) list:

Spend more time with my wife and my daughter. ✅

Travel. ✅

Exercise. ✅

Play more golf. ✅

Establish an Executive Coaching Practice. ✅

By any measure, I've been very fortunate and very blessed. However, in spite of the change of lifestyle (stress levels? what's that?) my health was not what it needed to be to fully enjoy the type of activities I have planned over the next 20+ years (God willing; hopefully my parents have blessed me with their very good longevity genes!). Years of focus on work versus my health and healthy habits (a choice) had left me overweight with slightly elevated blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and their corresponding daily medications.

I'm a little taller than average (6'3") and have always been a "healthy" (e.g. large!) size--listed at 215 pounds in my senior year of high school. 10+ Years ago, I received a WiFi connected scale and have monitored my weight daily since. (from Jim Collins' book, Good to Great-leaders have to confront the brutal facts!).

On February 22, 2022 (2/22/22), I stepped on the scale and a number flashed that I never thought I would see. I found myself roughly 24 months away from age 60 and thought, this is it; I took the date and the number as a sign, a wake up call. I looked at the data and the undeniable trend and realized If I didn't change my habits, a few years later I'd be carrying 300 pounds on my frame into my 60's-along with the associated health risks and impacts.

I'm going to take a moment here to state an obvious point-this post is designed for one thing and one thing only - to encourage anyone facing a similar health challenge. It is not a judgement or commentary on whatever body style or shape any other individual may choose for themselves. There is no one answer for everyone-it's a personal journey based on what's right for the individual and their circumstance. For anyone contemplating a course of action to review and improve your health, I'd suggest you first connect with your physician. My doctors consistently recommended changes annually for the last 20 years. I listened, but didn't act.

As I contemplated my plan, I took the approach that I give to my executive coaching clients--things that are very easy to say, but very difficult to actually do. Straightforward and simple, but challenging. Everyone is different, but for me excess weight is primarily due to consumption of too many carbohydrates--bread, fries, chips (and of course beer!). I love them all but they don't love me. I cut them from my diet that day.

Progress was slow at first, but when my body realized it wasn't getting its daily replenishment of carbs, the pounds started to drop off--3 months in, I was down a little over 30 lbs (~10 pounds a month) --and feeling much better. But I was hitting a plateau...about that time, a good friend mentioned intermittent fasting. I checked into it and liked what I saw. It worked for me and my progress continued.

Fast forward to this week - approximately 18 months later - I have reached my stretch goal. I haven't seen a number that started with a 1 since junior high school! Even better, my physician has released me from all medications relating to conditions affected by my weight.

Insights I've gathered over that time:

-It's difficult, but doable. If I can do it, anyone can.

-It's a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time-set your expectations accordingly.

-Regular measurement is the key to accountability.

-Planning is underrated. For me, "bad" food choice decisions and lack of meal planning are inextricably linked.

-Understand that your habits may not be in sync with your family; work to accommodate them.

Give yourself some grace. It took you a lifetime to get to this point.

[sinsistersin]

wow wait my periods has never been this fast after each other, will they actually turn normal and happen at a normal rate 👀👀👀

[dayseternal-blog]

Hi Days! I'm a huge fan of your work and your tumblr blog bc you give so many naruhina fanfic recs and talk about your stories, etc.

To sum it up, you're my favorite person lol, I'm a bit shy so I'm asking this as an anon, but I wanted to tell you something random just because I've always just thought about it and maybe you would agree or comment on it.

Have you ever listened to mitski? If you haven't I recomend you do bc she's amazing, but anyways I was listening to a song of hers called "washing machine heart" and it reminded me of naruhina, like the fic "together you and I" but different you know, like naruto only married hinata because he couldn't have sakura, she was his second option and every time he looked at her he wished and pretended it was Sakura, so Hina tries her hardest to look pretty and try to be the person he wants, always getting saddend by the idea that she isn't the one he wants, she knows his heart will only belong to Sakura. She let's him trample all over her heart and use her because she loves him unconditionally, maybe cry to her on some nights because he longs for Sakura's love that will never come.

I've read so many fanfics and I've never encountered one using this concept, I'd write it myself, but I'm not good at writing, maybe I'm reaching but it could inspire an angst story made by you or just a prompt or idea/concept for anyone to use. The hurt in this could be inmaculate and I bet a good writer could bring everyone to tears if they read a story like this. You don't have to do anything ofc I'll love you either way, I'm not meaning to push you to write a whole story with this concept by any means or to even post this ask, it's just something I made up/ related to this certain song, so I wanted you to see it, perhaps share your opinion or thoughts on it or just think about it. I love pain a lot hahaha bc I'm not a narusaku shipper in any way, I actually dislike the ship a lot.

Thank you for reading this and pls keep up the awesome work!! I'll always be a fan and support you and your spectacular writing❤️❤️

GAH What an awful fic idea you have 💔

“The Ring that Binds” by softwind - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto and Hinata are married.  So why is Naruto calling “Sakura” in his sleep?

“Girl No 10″ by meeiwen - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto makes a mistake with a dancer one drunk night.  Years later when he meets her again, he begins realizing his perfect life is a lie, but he’s too late to fix it.

And

“Territorial” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated M, High school AU, Multi-chapter, Complete.  When Hinata takes advantage of Naruto’s desperation for love, they’re both a little too much for the other to handle.

Are similar to what you have there.

HERE’S MY VERY QUICK AND INCOMPLETE STAB AT YOUR PROMPT IT’S UNEDITED UNREVISED CANON-DIVERGENT AU RATED T FOR LANGUAGE BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE WHAT I COULD COME UP WITH 😘  THEY ARE NOT MARRIED BECAUSE I WOULD BE TOO SAD

...

Naruto finally makes it to the Hokage’s office, having had trouble shaking off fangirls on his way.  He can immediately tell he’s the last one there, even though it’s the eve of the Rinnegan Festival.  Tense expressions greet him, the atmosphere somber.

Sakura whips her attention back to the desk before them.  “Rokudaime, with all due respect, I don’t think Naruto belongs on this mission.”

Her behavior has confused him all night.  First moving away from him so that Hinata would sit between them at Ichiraku when Hinata could have just sat on the other side of him.  Then pushing him to follow Hinata back home.  He said aloud that he’d be seeing her later, and that he wanted to catch up with everyone first, but Sakura just glared at him...

She’s been pushing him away, more and more every day, breaking his heart to smaller and smaller pieces...whether knowingly or not, he’s not sure about that, but she’s never rejected him from being her teammate on a mission.

Worried, he meets Kakashi’s gaze.

“I understand your concern, Sakura.”  His tone is heavy.  His usual careless attitude nowhere in sight.  “Call it just my gut-feeling...you’re going to need Naruto’s strength for this mission.”

-

Hanabi was kidnapped.

Hiashi and Hinata are nowhere to be found.

“What do you mean...?” Naruto finds himself asking.  “I just saw her.  We just saw her.  Not even an hour ago.”

“When Sai reported Hanabi’s kidnapping, believe me, Naruto, we moved to notify her family immediately.  Anbu can’t find them.”

“What?”  The last memory he has of Hinata abruptly leaving dinner and running off without hardly a word nags at him, inexplicably tightening his chest.  “She’s fine.  Hinata’s strong.  She can take on anybody.  No one would dare-”

“Naruto,” Sakura interrupts, her gaze cutting sharp.  “She’s nowhere to be found.  And as much as you believe that, no one is invincible.  Not even Hinata.  We need to form a plan, otherwise we’re losing precious time.”

“No one is invincible.  Not even Hinata.”

An emptying numbness invades his insides, discomforting slickness muting him.

This isn’t his fault, is it?

-

What if she needed to tell him something?

She was acting strange at Ichiraku.

Quiet, unusual for her as of recent...

But how was he supposed to notice?  Should he have followed after her, like Sakura said?  But they were supposed to meet at his apartment later on anyway, so why did she have to come out early like that and ruin the good time he was having?  She knows how he hasn’t given up on Sakura.

She knows everything about him.  She’s been his rock after Sakura tried to shut him down for good.  So how can it be that she’d just disappear?  There’s no way.

There’s just no way that she disappeared right after she left...

-

Hours.

Hours of wandering around in abandoned, desolate, war-stricken villages in god-knows-where, and nothing.  No one.

He’s asking for the hundredth time, but he doesn’t care, he’s past the point of desperation, and anxiety-laced tension fills the air.  “Taku, you really don’t see anything?!”  The Hyuuga they have on their team led them into this godforsaken wasteland.

Taku turns on him aggressively, getting in his face in reaction, and yells, “What about you??  You think I’m not trying my best?!  This is my family!  Just because you’re Hinata’s boyfriend doesn’t mean you’re any more worried than the rest of us!  You don’t sense her??”

No.  He doesn’t.

His Sage Mode has never been so useless.  In fact, he senses no one besides them in this place, and it’s with terrible unease that he begins to entertain the thought that she’s gone for good.

“There’s no one even here besides us!  Nothing!  Why’d you take us down here?  Where are we even?!  How do we get out of here in the first place?!” he argues back.

“Sakura-san was right!  You don’t belong on this mission!  I don’t know what Hinata-sama could ever see in you, I haven’t seen her smile in months!”

“What do you mean by that?!  She smiles all the time!  I’ve never seen her act so cheerful in my life!”

“So you fucking know it, too!”  Taku glares at him with an incredulous expression.  “That she’s just acting!”

“What the hell do you mean by that-”

And he doesn’t know what happened next, but Sai’s grabbing onto Taku and he himself is locked in Shikamaru’s shadow manipulation.  Chakra’s sparking off his own hands, while blue embers warp along Taku’s.

“Calm down,” Shikamaru orders both of them.  “We’re not getting anywhere if the two of you keep fighting.”  He waits for Taku to loosen his stance.

Sai lets go of him.

Taku throws an insulting glare around before sauntering off.

Shikamaru sighs.  Hard.  “Go cool your head, Naruto.”  He retracts his shadow, and Naruto wastes no time walking off in the opposite direction, far from wherever Taku is heading.

Yet Taku’s ridiculous words ring in his head.  “That she’s just acting.”

But she said that she’s happy to be with him.  That she doesn’t mind that he’s still in love with Sakura.  She said that she’s just happy to be with him.

She said that.  She did.  And she wouldn’t lie to him, right?

She was just acting?

“You’re not going to finish your ramen?” he asked her on their date last month.

“No...”  Suddenly, she smiled brightly, something she’s been doing more often ever since he mentioned that he’s always liked how genki Sakura is.  “Do you want the rest of mine?  I’m dieting.”

He scrunched his eyebrows at her.  “Dieting?  Why?”

“Well...”  She looked thoughtful for a moment before seeming to come to a decision.  “Naruto-kun, you like thin girls, right?”

He knew she was talking about Sakura.  “...I guess...”

“I want to make you happy,...” she started.  She bit her lips for a hesitating moment before continuing, “so I’ve been trying to lose a little weight.”

“Oh.”  He didn’t know what to make of that.  Unbidden, he looked her over. 

“Can you tell?” she asked, her characteristic shyness lowered her lashes, yet she didn’t fidget under his examination, and he could tell how she was trying her best to have that confident persona he admires in his former teammate.

Despite her recent changes in attitude, Hinata’s still been so physically small compared to himself and everyone else.  Under her jacket, he couldn’t tell if she looked skinnier or not, and even if she was, he doesn’t think she really needed to be skinnier.

But then she looked up at him with that heavy, hopeful weight in her gaze, and he couldn’t let her down.  Not when she’s trying so hard for his approval.

He fibbed easily.  “Yeah.  You look really good.”

She shined another smile at him that made him feel good.  Even if their relationship wasn’t traditional, he could at least still make her happy.  He could at least tell her some sweet words and see her sweet smile and-

She was lying.

She wasn’t happy?

He never made her happy?

Then what was the point of any of it?

No, she must have been happy, right?!  She said so!  She told him so!  Many, many times!

After all, he asked her.  All of those times he thought she was faking her smile, he asked just to make sure, and she vehemently told him that she was really happy to be with him.

She said he could talk to her about all of it.  That she could take on his heartbreak because her feelings were so much bigger than...

“Uzumaki Naruto.”

The unfamiliar voice has him leaping to his feet.

A man as pale as a ghost with piercingly icy eyes is floating down to him on some strange platform.  “You’re really as pitiful as I expected.”

“Who the hell are you?!”  He readies his stance.  He’s not in any mood for games, and he’s ready to let loose some of his stress on this very suspicious character.

“Hinata’s fiance.”

“Hinata?!”  Fire races through his veins, heating his feet, and he’s ready to leap at this guy.  “Where is she?!”

“With me.”

His heart rate exponentially explodes, beating into his ears, his skin practically bristling.  “Let her go,” he demands, and the threat of his words leaks from every pore of his being.  “Now.”

The man almost snorts.  “What makes you think she wants to see you?  You only ever used her, broke her...”  His collected expression hardens, and Naruto can sense that he has no intention of releasing her.  “I’ll make her happier than you ever could.”

Several thoughts fly too quickly through his mind to properly process any of it, leaving only residual uncertainty and that deepening sense of his culpability in her sudden disappearance.  But he doesn’t linger on the unpleasant sensations.  “What the fuck do you know?!”  And he’s charging at him, a Rasengan heavy in his hand.

The enemy is far more powerful than he appeared, immediately blowing him back with some kind of focused chakra.  “Weak, pathetic.”

“GIVE HER BACK!”  He replicates himself a dozen times, each of them throwing Rasenshurikens at the man.

Yet more of that strange yellow chakra protects him.  He’s unscathed even under his shadow clone onslaught.  “No.  I gave her a choice, and she came with me.  I’m just here to get rid of you, take revenge against you for her sake.”

He hardly comprehends the nonsense spewing out of the enemy’s mouth, and he rallies his clones into close combat, but the man manages to avoid many of the attacks while landing hits of his own.

Clones poofing away only to be replaced by more, frustration and fury starting to blind him into sloppier and sloppier moves.

“I love Hinata.  That’s why I deserve her.”

He chokes on his own breath, and in his momentary loss of concentration,...

He’s falling.

------------------------*

aaannnnd that’s as far as I want to go with that.  Imagine the rest of the team arriving in time to notice Toneri making his escape toward the sky, and I guess the rest of the story would sort of follow the rest of The Last...Naruto self-reflects a lot in a bundle of depression for a long time and yeah.

...ahhh...  I encourage you to write the fic you want to see in the world ❤️

[roseapprentice]

Another major issue is when people fail to distinguish between "being fat" vs "binge eating/unbalanced diet/exercising too little."

Because the former is a circumstance, and the latter is a behavior. I distrust doctors who tell me to lose weight, because they treat being fat as a behavior. I've never had a doctor tell me to loose weight and then give me advice that resulted in me being less fat.

Usually the conversation would go in circles with me saying "okay, but what to you want me to do differently" and them responding as if my question meant I didn't want to lose weight. They would then try to talk me into being more committed to being thin.

(One of the most vindicating moments of my life was when I finished one of these conversations by laying out my lifestyle and asking the doc what he wanted me to do differently, and the doctor responded, "oh actually just keep doing that but don't exercise as much.")

Conversely, my current doctor has never told me to loose weight. He did once look at my blood work and ask me to change my diet to lower my cholesterol. I happily did so! I haven't heard any complaints about my blood work since! I did not lose any weight. You can ask people to change their lifestyle without telling them to be thinner.

I also did successfully lose about 40 lb by cutting gluten from my diet. This was very pleasant and convenient. When I talked to a fatphobic doctor about this, she enthusiastically congratulated me on losing weight, and then tried to convince me that cutting gluten out wasn't helping.

What I am getting at is that fat and lifestyle are not the same thing. There are a lucky few people who can change their lifestyle in some way and it results in a long term improvement to their weight. (I might turn out to be one of those lucky few. Too soon to tell.)

Talking as if that works for most people is really dangerous. Both because of the eating disorder thing, and because it leads to devaluing a healthy lifestyle when it doesn't help people lose weight. In my experience, doctors who don't specialize in metabolic disorders are more often than not under the false impression that I can loose weight through sheer force of will. Those doctors will persistently gaslight & shame me to the exclusion of helping me with other health problems, unless I fire them and get another doctor.

A doctor telling me, "You have x medical issue and I want you to do y differently"? Great! Not likely to relate to my weight, even it's about diet and exercise.

A doctor saying, "I want to hear about your current lifestyle and brainstorm ways you might be able to safely lose a little weight so that you can take pressure off your joints/heart"? Great! If the doctor actually has new ideas I can implement safely, I'll be super impressed!

Those are not conversations most doctors are willing to have with me.

I guess what I'm getting at is: on this issue, most doctors are bad and scary. Some of them aren't, and it's worth finding those ones! Some are bad and scary but the advice they give is still almost right, and it's worth finding the good advice they're almost giving!

But there is a fundamental problem with medical training here. Until we fix that, it's going to be unreasonably difficult for the average fat person to access the kind of information that allows us to think clearly about these issues.

Sorry to backtrack on you but it just occurred to me that a lot of the specific parts of fat acceptance rhetoric soundbites that you've used "culty" to describe are really like... mentalities and approaches that are EXCELLENT for someone recovering from a restrictive eating disorder, which is pretty common among fat people (diagnosed or not) and very not helpful to anyone who isnt. And that being universalized is where a lot of problems can come in, because "common"s nowhere near "everyone"

Thank you! 

That makes a lot of sense actually. “Eat whatever you want and don’t worry about it” is harmful to someone who uses food to cope like me, but I can definitely see why it would be harm REDUCTION to tell someone with an ED “eating that cupcake is vastly better than not doing it.”

So yeah, I sit corrected. Or properly nuanced. :-) My issue is that... I’m for harm reduction, basically, like I said--and harm reduction can look very different for different people when the issue is diet.

That I think is what I wish I saw more of. Like, less “doctors are bad and scary” and more “should I trust my doctor on this or should I not at all? a handy primer for critical thinking.”

[katiecomma]

Book Review - One Last Stop

I would like to start this review by saying this: these words are entirely my opinion. This is a review of a piece of writing that is based on my opinions and experiences and feelings. That being said, if this book made you feel represented, if you related to the characters, if you loved this book my opinions do not invalidate any of that. We are looking at this from different minds and different perspectives and different life experiences. Which is one of the most wonderful things about art: the interpretation. So, you are still represented and relatable and loved no matter how I feel or what I have to say.

On to the review. I'm going to put it below the cut, because it is CHOCK FULL of spoilers. So if you don't want to be spoiled do not continue.

I will also say, this is not a super positive review. I didn't love this book. I didn't even really like it very much.

I'm going to divide this into talking points.

1. The New York Trope

I hate hate HATE the New York Trope. Again, this is a personal thing that's specific to me. It's not to say it's a bad trope, it's just one that I'm SO SO SOOOOO tired of. I hate the idea of someone who could never find a place ANYWHERE else no matter where they've tried to go, making their way to New York where they believe they will finally belong. And then magically, even though they're a loser or an outcast or whatever... they do! They awkwardly stumble into the perfect little found family of weird people that so perfectly suits them it's like where they were made to be. I hate it. Again, this is personal. And it may just be lingering bitterness, but I moved from a small town to the big city and found it almost IMPOSSIBLE to make friends. Those cool people that you wish you were friends with, already have their own groups of friends and they don't often just adopt random new people that they don't really know and make them "part of the family." Yes, I know... I'm bitter. It's fine. See? This is the personal experience swaying my opinions that I was talking about. In addition to having that personal opinion of the trope, I'm just kind of tired of it. I feel like the New York Trope has been very overdone.

2. Forced Trans Rep

I was excited for the trans rep in this book. Afterall, it starts at the very beginning of the very first chapter when August answers a roommate ad that states: "Must be queer & trans friendly." I was like: awesome! I am so on board for this! LET'S GO!

I feel the need to break here to say that I love Niko. He is amazing. And I love his character.

Ok... so, the ad specifically states trans friendly. It breaks trans out from queer, which suggests that someone within the apartment is trans. We meet the three roommates: Niko, Myla and Wes... and nobody mentions the trans thing again. Which is awesome. I'm still on board this rep train. We are led to believe one of the roommates is trans. And we don't need to know which one. Why do we need to know? It doesn't matter. The representation is there, in my opinion.

And then the awkward scene I didn't like. There are baby/kids pictures of all the roommates all over the fridge. August recognizes everyone except a little girl who only looks a little familiar, wearing a princess dress at Disneyland and making a grumpy face. August asks who it is. Niko, very casually goes: "Oh, that's me." At which point August has some internal dialogue that felt very much to me like: Ok, I thought there was something off about him, he's not really a normal guy. That's a paraphrase... but that was the vibe I got. I sent it to a few other people who confirmed that I'm not crazy, it vibes that way. So... in addition to this scene feeling forced to "out" the trans person in the apartment (which felt SOOO unnecessary since the ad let us know there was a trans person in residence), August's reaction came across as accepting, but not feeling like Niko was a normal guy. Which... I really didn't like. It made me not like August at ALL, who is the main character.

The whole thing just felt really unnecessary to me. Especially when there's a scene later on that does it better! There's a scene later where August is asking Niko about his psychic abilities and she goes: when did you know?... and Niko replies: "That I was trans?"... and August waves it off and goes: "No, that you were psychic." That in my opinion would have been a way better reveal moment. It doesn't seem forced, and August waves it off like it's no big deal.

I may be crazy... but that drove me a little nuts. And really made me dislike August. I understand it's important to point out that everyone could have a little bias buried in them still, and it's important to overcome that... but I really didn't need anything to make me dislike August more... which leads into my next point.

3. August Is An Asshole

Yes, I understand there are assholes in the world.

Yes, I understand that they are redeemable.

But I did not like August for most of this book.

I understand that part of it is supposed to be her defensiveness... and her want to be a loner.

But August is an unapologetic asshole and says dickhead things to the people who are trying to help her or care about her. And I just didn't like that.

Again, I understand she's had a shitty life... but there just wasn't a lot in this book to redeem August for me and make me like her. I spent a lot of the book being like: I hope this nice girl doesn't fall for her because she's a bit of a dickhead.

4. August's Self Hate

In addition to being a bit of a dick... August has so much self-hate I found this book hard to read at times. Every time there is a description of her doing ANYTHING it is tinged with self-hatred to the point that the book was frustrating to read. There is a scene where she's been out in the rain and she's wearing sneakers. She gets on the train and her "sneakers squelched unattractively." So even when things are out of her control she projects self-hate onto them. And I HATED IT SO MUCH. It was infuriating. Even after Jane starts to like her and tells her that she's attractive and that her body is attractive the narrative is still very much "why does she like me though?"

I've had this conversation/rant with a few other people... and I understand that self-hate is very engrained in our society. I understand that girls, especially chubby girls, have this on their mind a lot of the time. One friend said that it would be unrealistic to have a book where the chubby girl doesn't hate herself, the suspension of disbelief of that would not be possible. (I feel I should point out this friend is chubby also).

But as a fat girl I need to say: I'M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I want a main character like Lizzo, walking around with her skin on display and being confidant. I know that's a leap, honestly, but I would even go for someone acknowledging their body but not in a hateful way. Or having a little bit of a confidence issue but nothing like what was in this book. August hates herself so much that honestly... I was kind of mad about it.

One of the best fictional fat girls of all time is Suki from Gilmore Girls. You know why I loved her? Growing up and now? Because her weight is NEVER brought up. It's never the point of any of her jokes. It's never suggested she should lose weight. She never has any plotlines around dieting for her wedding or trying to fit into an old dress. Her weight is NEVER AN ISSUE. THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN FAT GIRL REP!!!!

Sorry... this point in particular is very close to home for me. As someone who's recently found her confidence it was very hard for me to read an entire book where everyone around the chubby girl is being nice to her but she's rude to them and self hating to herself.

Do girls like this exist? Of course! I was one of these girls! But it's frustrating to read sometimes.

5. Jane's Promiscuity

I found this was a sloppy way of getting them to kiss. And I'm not a HUGE fan of the slut and virgin trope. I don't mind someone having experience. But it seemed like Jane slept with half the women in the US before she was 24. And the only reason there was for her to have SO many partners was for August to kiss her more.

Quick explanation if you haven't read the book: Jane starts getting her memories back via sensory experiences. So they decide she'll remember her partners better if August kisses her to help her remember kissing other girls.

So in the end it just felt like a REALLY lame excuse for them to kiss.

At this point, I feel you being like: did you like ANYTHING about the book at all?

I did!

6. Wes and Isiah and Maya and Niko

I loved pretty much every character BUT August.

Wes and Isiah's love story was much more interesting to me than August and Jane's. Wes had the self-hate going on too... but Wes' was related to being a disappointment to everyone in his past and not feeling like he could be anything else. And he didn't want to burden Isiah with a disappointment. But they were cute as HELL and I loved the development of their relationship.

Maya and Niko are just perfect, and wacky and wonderful and were adorable from the start.

7. Jane

I loved Jane's character (other than the previously mentioned promiscuity). She was fun and happy-go-lucky and had an interesting problem and an interesting history (again, aside from the promiscuity).

8. Queer History

It was only touched on briefly in the book, but I loved the idea that Jane was front and centre for a lot of events in queer history. I liked what it brought up. I liked the way it made August want to learn more about her community. I honestly wish there had been a little more. Especially since Jane lived through it all.

I loved loved LOVED Red White and Royal Blue.

One of the things I loved most about that book was the way she broke down walls and stereotypes. The way that Pez is so effeminate, but only shows interest in women throughout the book, and NEVER labels himself. Having queer rep throughout politics. Having a divorced woman as president. There was so much representation in that book, but it didn't feel forced the way it did in this one. One Last Stop seemed very centred around these tropes and stereotypes... and that drove me a little crazy. I expected more from Casey McQuiston after reading Red White and Royal Blue.

In conclusion. I will not be keeping this book. I will not be rereading it. I did not care for it much at all.

Ok. Rant over.

I WILL SAY IT AGAIN: if you disagree with me. If you felt something because of this book. If this book spoke to you and made you feel seen and represented. None of my bullshit opinion changes that. FEEL THOSE THINGS! Take the art that means something to you and keep it close.