#like im trying to not take things to seriously i havent looked up any guides or anything and im gonna try not to | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

leaughrilke · 7 years ago

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heavy wings grow lighter pt. 1

your world has no love to give

find it on: ao3

From: Troy Bolton To: Trini ?? 1:41pm hey do u want to study with me? I grabbed one of the back tables

1:57pm T

2:08pm are u here today? if u ditched it would have been polite to invite us u know

2:09pm also do u need a ride to the mine

2:14pm Trini??

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:16pm hey have u seen Trini

2:16pm she’s usually in the library during free but I haven’t seen her since before lunch. she’s not answering her phone either and I need to know if she needs a ride to training

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:16pm i havent seen her

2:17pm did she seem ok to u when u saw her? she’s been really quiet lately

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:17pm she’s always quiet

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:17pm quieter than normal. like even with me

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:18pm shit

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:18pm class lets out in a bit, i’ll skip next and look for her

2:18pm text u when i find her

From: Fighter Pilot Barbie To: T 💛 💪💥👊👭 2:19pm where are u, jason’s worried

2:20pm on that matter, im worried

2:20pm did u skip bc if so bring me donuts

2:28pm u better be lying in a ditch somewhere

2:29pm actually i take that back but im still worried please call me to let me know ur alive or something

The bell rings just as Kimberly locks her phone, and it doesn’t so much as startle her—a feat that’s become increasingly hard to accomplish thanks to freaky Ranger skills (Trini’s term, of course)—as it does spur her to shove her books into a stack and head for the door.

Someone from the other side of the classroom—Harper, maybe, or Rebecca—laughs, says something ugly that Kimberly no doubt deserves and that she is absolutely meant to hear. Kimberly’s hands curl into fists, one wrapped tight around the strap of her bag, and, in another life, she probably would turn and throw something just as terrible back. But there’s this awful, uncomfortable feeling in the very center of her chest that took hold when Jason texted her and that alone is enough to double her self-restraint.

Trini’s locker is on the other side of the main building, towards the gym, but up on the second floor as opposed to Kimberly’s newly assigned one near the front entrance. Kimberly has to use a fair amount of evasive action to get there, especially once the second bell’s rung and the vice principal is prowling the halls trying to catch kids without hall passes—it’s not as if she’s not already stuck in Saturday detention, but she’d rather not add after school ones to her roster.

Because of training. Not because she has a standing donut date with Trini on Tuesdays, before they head to the mine.

When she rounds the corner of the stairwell, the girl in question is there. Back to Kimberly, standing on a stack of books and scrubbing at her locker. She freezes when Kimberly steps into the hall and Kimberly’s heart clenches at the tension held in the narrow line of her shoulders, at the way she seems to fold in on herself, making herself even smaller than she is. Some of that goes away when Kimberly calls out, “Hey, I’ve been trying to text you,” but not all of it, not enough of it for the unease to slip away from Kimberly’s sternum.

“Huh,” Trini hums, still not turning around. That’s red flag number one. “Haven’t checked my phone in a while.” Red flag number two, considering that if Trini’s not with the rest of them, she’s all but glued to her phone. And, Kimberly notes with a little pride and with growing apprehension, even if she’s avoiding other people, she never ignores Kimberly’s texts.

“Are you okay?” Kimberly steps further into the hallway, pauses when Trini visibly flinches. “Hey, T, I’m worried about—.”

Trini straightens, rolls out her shoulders like she’s squaring up even with her back still to Kimberly. “I’m fine,” she drawls, like everything isn’t completely wrong. “Shouldn’t you be in class?”

Narrowing her eyes, Kimberly fires back, “You’ve missed three.” Her tone is so much sharper than she’d intended, but sometimes to cut through Trini’s bluffing, Kimberly’s found you need a knife.

“Zack’s missed the entire day.”

“Zack’s…Zack.” Kimberly steps closer, crosses the remaining space between them in a couple long strides. “You usually give me a heads up if you’re planning on skipping.”

“Can you drop it? I just forgot, okay?”

Kimberly doesn’t flinch at Trini’s tone, ignores the way her words sting, lodge in the space between her ribs. The shorter girl is actually Kimberly’s height with the help of her textbooks underfoot, but she’s still not turning to face her, keeps shifting her weight—it hits her then that Trini’s trying to block her view.

Trini’s faster than her on a normal day, smaller and lighter on her feet than Kimberly can ever dream of being, even with years of gymnastics and cheer under her belt. But Trini seems off-kilter now, doesn’t react fast enough to catch her before she can step just to the side to peer over her shoulder.

“Who—,” Kimberly starts as Trini finally turns and says, “It’s not that bad—,” reaching out with her free hand like she’s going to push Kimberly back.

Kimberly gets why she’s been avoiding the rest of the rangers now. Trini’s blotchy, red nosed, and there’s blood smeared along her hairline and her full bottom lip—not that Kimberly’s noticed her lips or anything—is split down the side, purpling and swollen. When Kimberly steps a little closer, she can see the smudge of a bruise along her cheekbone, the redness around Trini’s eyes, like she’s been rubbing at them too roughly. She probably has.

The sight of her makes Kimberly’s blood boil, the sight of it, the word behind Trini, makes her face feel hot—four ugly red letters, taking up the entirety of Trini’s locker door, top left to bottom right.

“Who the fuck did this?”

Kimberly tries to keep the fury out of her voice, she truly does, but if Trini paling is any indication, she’s failing miserably. In her defense, it’s taking every bit of Kimberly’s self-restraint to not reach around the other girl and rip the door off its hinges, crush it in one move, maybe two if she ripped it in half first—a move that she is very seriously considering. It’d be nearly poetic, maybe, she thinks.

She doesn’t though. Not when she notices how Trini’s chin is trembling, how she’s gripping the paper towels she was using to scrub at the word, white knuckled and fingertips ripping through the damp material. She pauses, softens. “Trini,” she breathes. “Did whoever write that do this,” she gestures to Trini’s face, “to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Trini’s free hand drops, goes back to press flat against the wall of lockers.

“Trini. It matters.” How could it not? How could Kimberly ever—jesus, how could she ever not care about this?

The metal creaks, groans beneath the smaller girl’s hand, the door of the locker kitty corner to hers crumpling under her fingers. She doesn’t seem to notice, her eyes unfocused and somewhere far away—Trini doesn’t flinch when Kimberly reaches out again, gently pulls her hand away from the lockers. She doesn’t flinch, but she stiffens at Kimberly’s touch, her eyes darting around the hallway as she shrinks back just the slightest.

Right.

Kimberly’s never—she’s been incredibly lucky. She knows this. She’s never had the same bone-deep fear that Trini has, never had the same self-doubt. When Kimberly was fourteen, she googled what it meant to want to kiss your friend, found a word for it and, quite frankly, never thought about it again. She isn’t out at school necessarily, nor to her parents, but she’s never feared what it would mean if she was, never really had a reason to. Even now, after her fall, that confidence is still held in some quiet place inside her.

But when Trini was fourteen, she told a girl she liked her and got laughed at, cut off—there’s more to the story, Kimberly knows, uglier things that Trini’s keeping close to the chest, but the bare bones are enough to put together an altogether heartbreaking picture.

“Come on,” she murmurs, hand at Trini’s wrist, not quite touching her. “You need to get cleaned up.”

“You don’t have to do this.” Trini’s frowning even as she steps off her textbook stepstool, eyes settled somewhere just past Kimberly’s shoulder. She crosses her arms—it’s the first moment that Kimberly notices the blood on her collar, dried brown against the yellow of her shirt. “You don’t have to help me.”

Kimberly stares at her openly, pressing her lips into a line. They’ve all—Kimberly knows that Trini is slower to trust than any of them, they all know that. They’ve adapted, figured out the best ways to make her feel safe, whole, cared for. But this—after as much care that Trini’s shown for them, for her, she should be able to know. Be able to trust that they all would do the same for her. That Kimberly would do the same.

She’s trying not to take this skepticism personally. This isn’t the time for her feelings—not that she has feelings for Trini, because they’re teammates and Trini’s her best friend and—yeah. Anyway.

“You’re right, I don’t have to. I want to,” Kimberly says firmly, stepping back and raising her hand to the small of Trini’s back but letting it hang in the air just a hair away from touching her. “You’re my fellow ranger and my best friend and I—.” And I’m probably in love with you. “And I care about you. Let me help.”

Trini doesn’t protest after that. She lets Kimberly half-guide her to the nearest, quietest bathroom—Kimberly’s got a fairly useful ranking system for every bathroom in the school. Which are the nicest, which are the quietest, which don’t echo if you sob, which are the least likely place any of her old crowd would be. She steers Trini towards the bathroom near the chemistry labs; someone told the incoming freshmen a couple years back that it was haunted and the rumor stuck, even if no one wanted to admit to believing it.

“Hop up.” Kimberly taps the counter space between sinks lightly, turns away to grab a few paper towels and wet them. When she turns back, Trini’s glaring down at her hands, twisted up in her lap, her legs dangling over the edge of the counter. “You’re not going to like me very much in a minute,” she tells her, wringing out the paper towels so they’re just damp enough.

“Doubtful.”

Kimberly shrugs off a little of the anger that’s still curled in her fingers, flicking off excess water as she flashes Trini a smile. “Is that a compliment?”

The corner of Trini’s mouth quirks up, the closest she can come to a smile without pulling at the split in her lip. “Take it how you want it,” she murmurs after a quiet moment. Then she lets her eyes close, tips her head back just the slightest.

Kimberly’s kind of lost for a second—she doesn’t mean to get distracted by Trini’s insane lashes or the smooth edge of her cheekbones or by how soft she looks or by the thought of how her skin would feel beneath Kimberly’s lips and the pads of her fingers. But then she blinks fast in the harsh fluorescent lights because Trini’s just knocked Kimberly’s shin with the toe of her sneaker and has her head cocked to the side, eyes open again as she studies her.

“Space case much, princesa?” Trini teases when she catches Kimberly’s eye, her brow lifting. It must pull at something, because her smirk is dropped in a flash, pain flickering in her eyes before she carefully hides it away again.

Kimberly frowns. “Sorry,” she mutters, starting to wipe at the blood on Trini’s chin. “Just wondering how someone so small could bleed so much.”

She’s aiming for a joke, but it falls flat—partly, she’s sure, because Trini’s feeling like shit right now, but also partly because all Kimberly really wants right now is to somehow ensure that Trini never, ever feels like shit again. And she’s—well. She has no fucking clue what to do with that thought.

Trini doesn’t respond, just lets her eyes close again. She winces when Kimberly nears her lip so Kimberly works faster, tries to minimize the irritation. She tackles the blood at Trini’s hairline next, startling when she discovers a gash hiding among her dark roots.

“Jesus,” she hisses, pausing because she doesn’t trust herself to be gentle in the moment. “Trini.”

“Hm?” The smaller girl blinks up at her slowly.

“I—,” Kimberly starts, stops. Exchanges the dirty towel for a clean one before she starts again. “Who did this?”

“Kimberly—.”

“Because I just need to have a chat with them, you know?”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, you can, but you don’t.” Trini glares at her then, but it’s true. Trini takes hits she can dodge if she wanted to, stays quiet when shit like this happens; Trini is fully capable of taking care of herself, Kimberly knows. But Kimberly also knows that Trini doesn’t think she’s worth the effort.

Which—maybe that’s what’s making Kimberly so angry? The idea that the girl in front of her sees some warped version of herself in the mirror, some version that doesn’t deserve basic respect. Because fuck that, honestly. This is—

fuck, this is the girl that sits up with Jason when he’s having a panic attack and doesn’t want to let anyone know, the girl that spends nights over at Zack’s when the fear of waking up alone overwhelms him, the girl that is the only one out of them that can keep up with Billy when he starts getting into specifics on his newest project. The girl that, after a handful of days of knowing her, ripped off Kimberly’s defaced locker door and landed herself in detention for it.

Jesus, Kimberly can hardly breathe from the thought of it, from the idea that Trini doesn’t see what the rest of them see. That she doesn’t know that they’re all just as worried for her, just as protective of her as she is of them.

The air between them is thicker than it was before, heavier in a way that Kimberly can’t figure out how to fix, not now, not with Trini looking at her like this, like she’s tired, like she wants to fight but can’t bring herself to. And Kimberly—she doesn’t want to drop it—knows she can’t, not really.

But she can bury it for right now.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “That wasn’t fair of me.”

Trini turns her glare down to her hands and Kimberly feels the air go out of her lungs when she sees—no, she fucking feels it. Feels all the hatred that Trini’s turning inward, feels all the guilt and disgust and doubt and anger. Kimberly’s never been so equally grateful and horrified by the psychic link that holds them all together, that connects them all to the morphing grid. Because this—this peek into Trini’s head? It feels like an invasion of privacy, leaves Kimberly twisted up, twisted around because god, all she wants to do is punch every fucking tooth out of the mouth of whoever did this.

But it’s good to know. Good to be able to recognize the way ebb and flow of Trini’s self-hatred, good to be able to know how and when to step in. Like now.

Kimberly steps closer, cups Trini’s chin in her hand and gently urges her to look up, hold Kimberly’s eyes. “Hey,” she says. “What I said was uncalled for.”

“It’s not. You’re right.”

Pursing her lips, Kimberly lets out a little sigh through her nose. Tries to figure out a neat way to agree with her without feeding into Trini’s cycle.

“Maybe,” she responds finally, gaze falling to the paper towel in her hand and the little drop of water that is snaking its way down her wrist. “But you didn’t need to hear it right now.”

There’s no response from Trini. When Kimberly looks up, the other girl’s cheeks are wet.

Kimberly can count on one hand the times she’s seen Trini cry—it’s a grand total of four, not including today, and three occurred during times when they all thought they were about to die. The fourth was when Kimberly had had the dumb fucking idea to watch The Fox and the Hound, but honestly if Trini hadn’t cried, Kimberly would have been convinced she wasn’t human.

But she’s crying now, in front of Kimberly, and if her appearance was anything to go by, she’d been crying earlier, and Kimberly can’t help but wonder how long this has been going on, how long Trini’s been hiding this from the rest of them. Is this where she disappears to when she ditches out on math with Jason or history with Zack? Scrubbing her locker when the halls are empty? She’d always figured Trini bailed to go and spend time at the quarry or at home, without having to deal with the heavy, burning gaze of her mother, watching every move she made.

“I—,” Trini hiccups, leaning into Kimberly’s touch when she drops the damp towel in favor of brushing the other girl’s hair back out of her eyes. “I didn’t want anyone to see.” She sucks in a shuddering breath, forces out the rest of her words slowly, painfully. “I don’t want it getting back to my parents.”

That—god, that hurts. Hurts to hear, hurts to see; Trini looks incredibly small sitting up on this counter, even more so than normal, and her fear is a real, tangible thing that fills the space around them and between them with ease.

The rush of protectiveness that surges through Kimberly isn’t entirely new, not towards her fellow rangers, but the acuity of it is. She wants to place herself directly between Trini and anything that makes her this scared. She wants to wrap herself around the other girl and keep her warm and safe until she stops shaking like this or—hell—maybe even forever and that thought alone terrifies Kimberly.

She shoves the feeling aside for now—there’s time to unpack that and all that it means later. Right now, Trini’s still crying, her shoulders hunching as she tries to make herself even smaller, tries to take up even less space and Kimberly’s aching at the sight of it, at Trini—sardonic and kind and stubborn Trini—looking so fucking small.

“Can I—,” Kimberly starts, unsure of how to phrase her question but knowing it has to be asked. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

Trini looks up at her, her dark eyes wet and wide and then she’s leaning forward and wrapping her arms around Kimberly’s waist and sobbing into her neck. Her fingers twist in the fabric of Kimberly’s shirt, pulling her closer, so Kimberly steps between Trini’s legs and slips her arms over Trini’s shoulders, tucking the smaller girl securely underneath her chin.

She doesn’t say anything deep, anything meant to do more than soothe because—because what could she say? There’s nothing to make this all better for her, to take away the deep-seated fear that lives in Trini’s bones, born of nearly two decades of her mother’s vitriol and others’ cruelty. Kimberly can only hold her and—

well. Now that she thinks about it, there is one other thing she can do.

She fleshes the plan out a bit while Trini cries herself out on Kimberly’s shoulder. When her sobs give way to sniffles, then a few deep, shaky breaths, Kimberly figures out the right words. “You deserve so much better than this,” Kimberly tells her, because she feels like it’s something Trini’s not told enough and that’s—it fucking unbelievable, honestly, and it’s a wrong that Kimberly’s setting out to right. Trini sucks in a breath like she’s about to dispute the statement, so Kimberly doesn’t give her the chance. “You are a kind, loyal, loving person,” she whispers, “and you shouldn’t ever be made to feel ashamed over who you love.”

Trini manages a gross, mucus-y sort of laugh, her breath hot against the dip just above Kimberly’s collarbone. “Sorry I cried on you,” she mumbles sheepishly when she pulls away; she doesn’t get far, because Kimberly keeps her arms around her.

“Trini.”

“Your shirt’s kind of gross now. I got snot all over it."

She really did. Kimberly can’t be fucked over it. “Yeah,” she sighs. “But it’s worth it.”

“Kimberly—.”

“It’s worth it.” You’re worth it, she wants to say. More than.

But Trini’s got this look like she might start crying again if Kimberly says something like that and honestly? Kimberly’s maybe just reassigned making sure Trini never cries to, like, Priority Number One.

She swallows the words that are threatening to choke her now, says instead, “This one’s going to need a stitch, I think.” She smooths her thumb over the skin just below the cut behind Trini’s hairline, careful not to apply too much pressure. “I can probably manage it back at the ship,” she adds, even though she knows that by the time they make it to the ship, the gash will be long healed.

“I should change your name in my phone from Fighter Pilot Barbie to Paramedic Barbie at this rate.”

“Jesus,” Kimberly groans. “Why am I still Fighter Pilot Barbie?”

Trini flashes her a small, lopsided smile. It doesn’t reach her eyes, but it brightens her face a little and Kimberly watches with something akin to hope flaring in her chest as Trini’s shoulders relax, loosening under Kimberly’s arm. “Because you didn’t like my other nicknames for you,” she retorts.

The air feels lighter now—Kimberly feels like they’ve slipped out of the darkest timeline, or they almost have, even if Trini’s face is still bruised and Kimberly can’t forget the word written on the girl’s locker down the hall. Trini’s joking and smiling a little and so Kimberly finishes cleaning her up, moving quickly and distracting her with idle chatter about what she’s missed during the day.

When she’s done, she tucks Trini’s hair behind her ears and steps back to survey her work. “Well,” she says. “You still look like Rocky from the final act of Rocky—.”

“I should be so lucky,” Trini deadpans.

“—but you’re as patched up as I can get you at school.” Kimberly drops her hands, one resting on Trini’s knee and the other trailing down Trini’s arm to lace their fingers together. In the safety of the bathroom, out of sight, Trini doesn’t shy away from her touch, but rather tightens her hold on Kimberly’s hand and nods. “Do you want water?” Kimberly offers. “I think there’s a vending machine around the corner.”

“Water’d be good.”

“I’ll be right back.” When Trini’s grip steels and her eyes widen, Kimberly tells her, “Lock the door behind me. No one uses this bathroom, but I’ll knock when I come back, okay?”

When Trini nods and drops Kimberly’s hand, she—quite frankly, Kimberly doesn’t know what comes over her, but then she’s leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Trini’s forehead; it’s light, barely a brush of her lips over Trini’s skin, but it’s new and Kimberly’s close enough to smell Trini’s shampoo and she can’t—god. She can’t handle this.

As soon as she’s out in the hall and has heard the deadbolt slide home, Kimberly pulls out her phone.

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:57pm found her

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:57pm is she okay??

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:57pm not really

2:57pm like she’s safe and alive

2:57pm but someone wrote on her locker and roughed her up and im going to fucking murder them

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:58pm shit can I do anything

2:58pm like does she need anything

2:58pm do you need anything

2:58pm don’t kill anyone Kimberly

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:59pm no fucking promises

2:59pm but i do need u to take her to the mine for me. i wanna get her locker cleaned before class lets out and shes not up to staying thru the day

2:59pm and can u text zack bc she’ll probably want to head to the train car

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 3:01pm done and done. just left class, I’ll be in the parking lot whenever she’s ready

3:02pm and seriously Kimberly, don’t kill anyone

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 3:02pm [image attached]

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 3:02pm who the fuck

3:02pm let me know if you need help burying them

3:02pm but seriously who the fuck did that

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 3:02pm shes not saying and im not abt to push her rn

Her phone buzzes again, but she doesn’t check it until she’s bought Trini’s drink and started walking back to the bathroom—it’s only Jason again, agreeing with her decision not to push for answers today. Kimberly knocks three times, a familiar pattern, and slips in when Trini opens the door for her.

“Jason’s going to take you to the mine,” she tells her after cracking open the bottle. Kimberly hands it over and adds at Trini’s questioning look, “I’ve got a couple things I need to handle before I can leave, but I’ll be there soon.”

“What things do you need to handle?” Trini narrows her eyes at Kimberly, peering up at her with one hand planted on her hip. She sips her water with a slightly raised eyebrow when Kimberly hesitates for a beat too long before answering.

“I’m supposed to meet with my history teacher after school today,” Kimberly lies easily. “I just need to check in with her and let her know I can’t make it.”

If Trini doesn’t believe her, she doesn’t call her on it. She drops eye contact and starts shrinking the moment they step through the door back into the open hallway. Kimberly steers Trini away from the stairs by her locker, pulls her towards the elevator by the vending machines instead so she can be sure Trini doesn’t have to see it again.

Jason’s idling in the parking lot as promised, his truck newly declared road safe even though it still bore the physical evidence of his bull escapade. He leans over to open the passenger door when he spots them, nodding in greeting.

“Zack’s going to meet us there,” he tells the girls. “And I’m picking up Billy from the field.” Jason shifts his attention to Kimberly, asking significantly, “When do you think you’ll be done here?”

“Before school lets out.” She squeezes Trini’s hand as she climbs into her seat. “Probably in twenty?”

Trini’s withdrawn again, staring blankly ahead even as Jason nods, calls out a goodbye as he pulls away from the curb. Her eyes flick to Kimberly once as she lets go of Trini’s hand before they’re trained back ahead.

Kimberly stands at the curb until Jason’s truck disappears out onto the main road and makes the turn that takes them away from town and out towards the quarry.

It’s still quiet when she heads back into the school; the halls are still empty when she raids a janitor’s closet and collects cleaning supplies.

She stinks of bleach and her fingertips are raw by the end of it, but there’s no trace of the slur anymore and that alone is a triumph. Kimberly entertains the idea of moving Trini’s stuff into her locker briefly, but Trini’s so careful with her boundaries, draws them out so clearly and Kimberly feels like moving her shit without her express permission probably kicks through every line Trini’s drawn and she refuses to do that.

What she does instead only kicks through a few lines, she thinks.

Really, it’s dumb fucking luck that she quite literally bumps into Amanda and Rebecca—she should have been expecting it, because bad things come in threes and so far, she’s only at two for today.

“Watch where you’re going, bitch,” Amanda hisses when she and Rebecca stumble back.

Kimberly fakes it, taking one large step back and pretending to be unsteady on her feet. She’s just about to duck her head and slip away quietly, to attempt the path of least resistance, but then Rebecca’s taunting, “How’s your girlfriend, Kimmy?” and everything sort of goes out the window because it’s so obvious and Kimberly can’t believe she didn’t realize it before now.

Kimberly surges forward, hauls them both up by the collars of their shirts and shoves them back against the lockers that line the hallway. “Fuck with me all you want,” Kimberly snarls. “I deserve it and I know that. But leave her out of this.”

“We were only stating the obvious, Kimmy,” Amanda spits back. “Letting the rest of the student body know that she’s a d—.”

The anger that courses through Kimberly isn’t entirely new, but normally she’s alone when she feels it this intensely. Normally, it’s self-directed. Kimberly shifts, presses up with her forearm at the base of Amanda’s neck and growls, “Don’t you fucking dare.” She presses harder, hears the fabric of Rebecca’s shirt tear in the clenched fist of her other hand as she repeats, “Leave her the fuck out of this. Got it?”

Amanda’s still glaring at Kimberly, but there’s fear in her eyes too, just enough that Kimberly feels she’s done her job. There’s no doubt in her mind that she deserves whatever Amanda throws at her—there never was and there never will be, honestly, and Kimberly will take anything and everything that the other girl decides to put her through—but her team is off limits.

Trini is off limits.

She drops the other girls, stands resolute as they glare and stalk away, throwing insults as they go and threatening to go to the principal—they won’t, Kimberly knows, but it’s a good effort on their part.

When Kimberly gets to the mine, they’ve already migrated away from Zack’s train car. She heads to the gorge, throws herself off the cliff face and tries really hard to regret throwing Amanda and Rebecca into the lockers. Because that’s—that’s fucked up, right? Not her place?

The cool water does little to help clear her mind, but what she’s greeted with when she finally wanders onto the ship centers her.

She checks every one of their favorite spots to hide out in first—Trini’s, the few Kimberly’s shown her, the ones that everyone on the team knows about, all places somewhat shielded from Alpha-5 and their alien wall dad. The term was something Zack picked early on and that had stuck, much to Zordon’s chagrin and the rest of the rangers’ unending amusement.

Kimberly finally finds them in the makeshift den, the atrium down in the living quarters that one day Billy had asked if they could build a fort in and they just never took it down afterwards, even going so far as trawling second hand shops to find a battered but incredibly comfortable couch to make the center of their Ranger Roost (again—Zack’s term).

She nearly doesn’t see Trini, she’s so smothered by their boys. Kimberly only spots her by the little bright spot of yellow that stands out next to the deep red of Jason’s sweater where he’s got her wrapped up in his arms. Her legs, she realizes, are thrown over Zack’s lap and he’s got one of her hands covered in his own. Her sneaker clad feet are tucked up on the couch beside her, Billy’s hand resting on her leg, his thumb circling the jutting bone of Trini’s ankle. He’s the first to notice Kimberly, looking up and greeting her. “Hi Kimberly,” he says, his free hand raised and his voice splitting perfectly between worry and relief.

“Hey Billy,” she responds, stepping closer. “How’s our girl?”

“She hasn’t said anything.” Billy’s thumb doesn’t still on Trini’s ankle, even as he looks between Kimberly and where Kimberly thinks Trini’s face is worriedly.

Kimberly nods, squeezes the couch by Billy’s shoulder and murmurs, “Thanks, B.”

She comes around to the front of the couch, greets Zack by nudging the back of his head. From this side, she can see more of Trini—just a little, but enough to realize that the other girl is out cold.

“She dozed on the drive,” Jason explains quietly. “Barely made it in here and then was only up long enough to yell dogpile at us before she knocked out.”

Kimberly bites back a laugh partly because Jason’s got this calm resignation in his voice, like he knows and accepts the fact that he probably won’t be getting up from his seat until Trini’s napped herself out, but also partly due to the fact that Trini voluntarily called a dogpile when normally she rolls her eyes and has to be dragged into it.

Regardless—Zack nods in agreement with Jason. “Who do we need to bury?” he asks after a beat.

For half a second, Kimberly thinks he’s joking, trying to lighten the mood, but then he turns his face just a fraction more towards her and he’s not smiling, not even a little. Kimberly should probably be worried, but honestly? She’s just so damned pleased that she’s got at least one accomplice for when she tries to convince Billy to help her blow up Amanda’s car.

“Who do you think?” Kimberly answers quietly. They fall silent then; the only sound in the room is their breathing and Trini’s occasional soft snores and each one twists Kimberly’s heart, makes her soften. “Scoot,” she demands finally, pushing at Zack’s shoulder with gentle insistence. “I want in on the dog-pile.”

He moves without protest, which surprises her less than it did at the very beginning, when they were all still learning how to handle one another. Zack’s incredibly caring, Kimberly’s found, particularly when it comes to the tiniest, angstiest ranger and he generally cools it with the jokes when Trini’s well-being is on the table. He shoves Jason and they shuffle down in tandem, shifting Trini to rest against Kimberly seamlessly when she slips onto the couch to join her friends.

In her sleep, Trini curls into Kimberly, seeking out her warmth—Kimberly’s not surprised by it anymore; they’ve had enough sleepovers at this point that she’s become well-acquainted with the smaller girl’s tendency to wrap herself around whatever proves softest, warmest, and most accepting of her weight. It left Kimberly flustered and blushing on far too many mornings, but eventually she noticed how much easier Trini seemed to sleep with human contact and learned to compartmentalize for her sake.

Right now, though, Trini’s wounds are healing already and she lets out a little sigh as she settles against Kimberly, her face relaxed and her near constant scowl nonexistent for the moment. Kimberly wraps her arms around Trini, earning another pleased sigh and causing Kimberly to flush in response. There’s no immediate shit from Zack over it, but when Kimberly looks up, he’s smirking at her like he knows something; lucky for him, Kimberly’s got a lapful of a napping Trini and can’t quite bring herself to give a shit about whatever Zack may or may not know.

Jason falls asleep next, his head falling back at such an awkward angle Kimberly’s sure he’ll wake with a crick in his neck. Billy follows him shortly, but not before snagging one of the pillows off the floor and propping Jason’s head up on it.

For a while, it’s just Zack and Kimberly still awake; Kimberly’s playing with Trini’s hair when Zack asks seriously, “So what do you want to do about them?”

It’s no mystery who he’s talking about. Kimberly takes a moment, a breath, before she answers. “Dunno,” she says honestly. “I mean, I know I want to take a baseball bat to Amanda’s BMW, but I’ll just follow her lead on it.” She dips her chin towards Trini, who’s started snoring lightly, her exhales coming in warms puffs of air against Kimberly’s collarbone. “However she wants to handle it, you know?”

Zack levels her with a look that tells Kimberly exactly how much he’s buying her answer, but nods just the same. After a minute, he says, “Didn’t peg you for property damage, princess.”

Kimberly chucks the nearest object she can lay a hand on—in this case, Jason’s phone—and grins as Zack easily dodges it. “Hey,” she warns lightly. “Only one ranger gets to call me that.”

“You’re so whipped,” Zack laughs. He laughs even harder when Kimberly blushes; she knows she deserves that quip, knows she brought it on herself, but it still makes her defensive, just a little.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am—.”

Trini shifts in Kimberly’s lap, twisting her fingers into the hem of the other girl’s shirt as she grumbles, “You’re both stupid. Let me sleep.”

Zack shoots Kimberly a shit eating grin when she immediately snaps her mouth shut, her hands busying themselves with Trini’s hair again. Shut up, she mouths at him.

Go to sleep, he throws back.

Whatever. Kimberly’s not whipped just because she does actually settle down, leaning back against the arm of the couch and bringing Trini with her, head on her chest.

She closes her eyes to avoid Zack’s raised eyebrows.

/ /

“Hey,” Kimberly greets the next day, swinging up and through Trini’s window in the early morning light. “I have a proposition for you.”

Trini snorts and throws Kimberly a surprised smile, one that makes her throat tighten, her heart turn with how bright it is. “Kimberly Hart,” she gasps, “are you literally propositioning me?"

Rolling her eyes, Kimberly rights herself and straightens. “I am, I guess,” she says. “I think you should move into my locker.”

“Little early for that, hm?”

Kimberly pretends to not notice the way Trini’s voice cracks; she also pretends not to notice the little flare of warmth, of hope that takes hold in her chest when she considers what the break in the other girl’s voice might mean. Instead, she nods. “Maybe,” she agrees, “but how many times have you had days like yesterday?”

For a second, she thinks she’s finally said the wrong thing, finally gotten Trini to shut down, shut her out completely, because Trini’s expression flattens, goes dead in the blink of an eye. She doesn’t still, though, just ducks Kimberly’s gaze as she keeps shoving things into her bag for detention.

“Trini,” Kimberly presses, desperate for some sign that she hasn’t just fucked whatever their relationship is to high hell.

“Doesn’t matter,” she says in a tight voice. “It’s not your problem.” She reaches for the beanie on the corner of her bed and Kimberly, knowing it’s the only chance to get a real answer, steps between to block her.

Trini looks up finally. Her eyes are still a little puffy, still a little red; with ranger healing, her bruises and cuts have faded and her eyes should be back to normal by now, which only confirms what Kimberly worried about through the night—that after they all went home last night (or, more aptly: after Alpha-5 and Zordon forced them all to go home), Trini spent the night crying.

“Just drop it, okay?”

Trini’s voice breaks a little on the request and she’s watching Kimberly with narrowed eyes, like she doesn’t half-trust her to be in her space right now and that sort of breaks Kimberly into a million pieces. That Trini still expects that her lot in life is to suffer alone, to deny any care before it can be denied to her has Kimberly wanting to hurt any and every person that has ever hurt the girl in front of her; she wants to track them down and demand why they would hurt a person so kind, so intensely caring.

Kimberly won’t drop it—can’t drop it, because Trini has always deserved more than this and to think that she doesn’t know that is almost too much for Kimberly to handle. She softens a little more, reaches back to grab the beanie and hand it over to Trini before she perches on the edge of the other girl’s bed. “Hey,” she says softly as Trini shoves the beanie over her hair. “I’m sorry I upset you, I didn’t—I should have phrased that better.”

“You don’t have to treat me like I’m made of glass,” Trini snaps. “I’m not going to break.” And at least—at least this is familiar? Kimberly’s used to this, used to Trini trying to provoke a response that she feels better suited to handle—annoyance or anger or teasing, anything other than heartfelt care.

“I know,” Kimberly says simply. She lets the statement rest between them for a moment. Then, she begins again. “But I also know that you shouldn’t have to deal with this at all, Trini,” she sighs, “and you really shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. I just want to be here for you.”

Trini’s scowl had been softening a little with each passing moment, and, with Kimberly’s last declaration, it disappears entirely, replaced with a carefully constructed neutral expression instead. “You’re really willing to risk shit like this happening at your locker again?” Trini asks flatly, as if expecting Kimberly to rethink her offer suddenly.

It’s as good as an agreement though, and Kimberly nods quickly. “Of course,” she hums. “I thought I made it pretty clear that you’re more than worth it.”

The statement slips out without her meaning it to, but then it’s there, settling between them and for a split second, Kimberly’s sure Trini’s about to cry again—her eyes start shining and her jaw tightens and guilt sits heavy in Kimberly’s chest. But then her expression clears, her mouth twisting into a smirk that seems to brighten the whole damn room even as her eyes still shine.

“Sap,” Trini accuses lightly. “But yeah, whatever, if you’re so desperate to deal with me twenty-four seven, I’ll move into your locker.” She moves to shoulder past Kimberly, head for the window and Kimberly can’t explain this either, can’t reason why her hand whips out to grab Trini around her wrist and pull her back, into a hug.

“Sorry,” Kimberly mutters into Trini’s hair.

She can practically feel Trini roll her eyes, but she doesn’t pull away; in fact, she leans into Kimberly a little more, brings her arms around her waist. “If you ever tell anyone about this,” Trini grumbles into Kimberly’s neck, “I’m going to throw you into a wall or something.”

“No, you won’t.”

“No, I won’t.” The shorter girl lets out a little sigh then, her breath warm against Kimberly’s collarbone. “But seriously. Zack’s gonna give me shit if he knows I went down without a fight.”

“You know he won’t,” Kimberly hums. “Not about this anyway.”

Trini huffs out something that sounds an awful lot like an agreement and pulls away slowly, like it pains her. “You’re sparring with him today if he does, though,” she tells her.

“I thought we could spar together,” Kimberly says quietly, biting back a smile at the way Trini’s cheeks redden.

“You—uh,” she stammers. “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to get hurt and you know you’ll pull your punches.”

“Not at all. I’m gonna kick your ass, like always.”

Trini narrows her eyes, her mouth twisting up into a smirk even as her blush deepens. “You’re so full of shit,” she says, the tips of her ears turning red. “And we’re going to be late if you keep making me all sappy and whatever.”

“When have you ever been on time to detention?”

“Well, princesa,” Trini drawls. “I’m there temporarily, so my tardiness doesn’t really matter, but I’m guessing you’re also here to insist on driving me? And your tardiness does matter. Therefore, we’re going to be on time today.”

“You’re so bossy,” Kimberly whines, pulling a face and biting back laughter as Trini shoves her towards the window. There’s some grumbling behind her as Kimberly launches herself out the window, catching herself on the sill and twisting to grin at the other girl. Trini’s still red-faced and Kimberly can’t help but add with a wink, “I think I like it.”

She drops her hold on Trini’s windowsill and falls to the ground with grace, landing lightly on the still dew covered grass, but not before she hears a strangled squeak of a response above her.

#power rangers 2017 #trimberly #trini #kimberly hart #blood cw #wounds cw #wound care cw #self loathing cw #homophobia cw #bullying cw #internalized homophobia cw #its angsty but cute i promise #fun story this was originally going to be my first trimberly fic #but them prompts happened and the deleted scenes were released and i had to revamp the whole damn thing #*glares at lionsgate*

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corasanheart · 8 years ago

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Not a useless person

Fanfiction based on: Mob Psycho 100

Category: romic and angst

Pairing: Tome Kurata/Tokugawa

Chapter 1

“Telepathy club is hereby disbanded”.

Her words echoed in her head again pushing more tears on her cheeks. Tome was passing winter break mostly like this, closed in her house in front of many books left casually open. After her parents went away for a travel in the suggestive sight of snowy mountains, (they do not take her because it was for her best she stayed to study) the house fell in a total silence broken only by her sighs. She was thinking at the time wasted on doing nothing with guys that didnt care about her at all. Tome founded her club with a deep desire, maybe crazy or creepy, but in which she truly wanted to believe. She was glad to share her passion with other people thinking maybe they are interested too. Fool! Who is so fool to believe in aliens? And telepathy too… They were only searching a club where laze around without any specific goal to think about and yeah.. the “telepathy club” seems the better to fit with this. Tome was the only one enjoying this club all this time. And so this is finished leaving her with an empty mind. Three years of any memories. Now at least she had to make up for study. There are so many things she didnt understand yet. Finding an alien maybe its easier…

Tokugawa approached the house and looked closely at the little sheet in his hand. “This is the address. I wonder whose..”. He glanced at the doorbell and read “Kurata”. That rang him a bell but he just couldnt remember where had heard it. He just pushed it and waited. Someone opened the door as fast as closed it. - What the.. what happened?-. The girl, actually Tome, just shouted -Why are you here?!- “Maybe he knew I was continuing secretly the club” -I’ve already disbanded it if you wanted to know that!- with the voice little broken. Tokugawa remained silent for a moment elaborating -What club?- “She has to be the one from the Fake club” -Aah that club. I’m not here for that. Anyway it occured months ago.. why do you come up with that so suddenly?-. She opened a bit the door and mormored something. Then just said -Enter-.

Tokugawa sat properly on the sofa and released a deep sigh before of starting to explain. Tome just sat quite far from him unsure on what expecting. -I’m here for this-. He put a piece of paper on the little table in front of them. -You, I suppose, left this message on my school desk in which you beg me for help you to study and there is also your address-. Tome blinked her eyes several times before answer: -I didnt do that! And I would never ask for YOUR help-. -Ah..So do you have any idea of who could have done it? I dont know, someone who might thinks you need my help-. Tome startled. -I dont know..- “someone who cares about me?!” -It must be a stupid joke! So I think you can leave now-. Tokugawa was watching her carefully in silence.

-What? Are you listening??-.

He just said seriously: -I will help you-. -Whaaat?! I dont need it!-

“She’s got marks under her eyes. She was crying. Is so desperate for the exam?. I cant just ignore it”. -I dont think so-.

-You are so stubborn, I told you I dont need any help!-

-Tome..-

-Indeed I just cant stand your presence in my house in this moment-

-Tome..-

-And I can manage to study on my own. Ive already all under control-

-Tome..-

-So dont get worried for nothing and..-

She stopped in fear after has noticed tokugawa creepy face.

-Just shut up Tome -

Tome gulped “Maybe I should call the police” but then just mormored an -Ook-. Then she guided Tokugawa to her room. He sweated a bit “Why she invited me to her room so suddenly?! It’s so naive. If I was another guy I would have taken advantage of the situation. Lucky her, im not interested..”. When he entered the room paralyzed. “What on earth..”. Tome’s room was fully painted with a Universe pattern and covered with strange psychedelic posters of unearthly things and some pieces of old newspapers about ufo apparitions. While on the floor there was a mess of colourful packages, some of them containing every sort of snack and others just being garbage. “This is way more shocking of Kamuro’s room”. Tome sat at the desk trying to put some order. Tokugawa came closer behind her.

-Sorry there’s only one chair. Did it bother you?- she said. “Yeah maybe this convinces him to leave”. “She is just too lazy to bring me a chair from the living room” -No Im ok like this. So in what subject do you have more problems?-.

“All of them but I dont want to seem stupid or like I need help” -Im ok with everything like I said, but math..-. -Mm let me see-. He took the math notebook from Tome’s hands. Tome froze. He took a quick look to all her notes and exercises to judge in which seems in more trouble. Then he return the book to Tome.. after using it to hit her head. -Is plenty of nonsensical sketches. Can you just pay attention to the lessons, cant you? Anyway firstly I’ll help you with basic and symple notions and then with exercises-. Tome foreshadowed a huge headache for this.

It seems like Tome wasnt in a desperate situation. She managed to solve several exercises (Tokugawa’s advices on some of them were of help too, she had to admit it). -Now come the difficult one-. Tome remained with a ‘what’ face. Tokugawa wrote down the equation. Tome, trying to regain confidence, started to fill the paper of scribbles that could fit but something stopped her. -No. You cant start like this-. A hand took the pen from Tome. Tokugawa’s chin leaned on Tome’s shoulder while he explained the resolution. Tome looked at his face expecting the usual angry gaze but instead he was too concentrate on what he was doing. She hadnt never see him like this and not this close to her. He wasnt ugly but for somewhat reason he was extremely pale. That gave him a more vulnerable aspect. Tome blushed a little without caring what he was saying. He suddenly turned around and paused. The creepy face returned. -You’re not listening. Why are you staring?-

She gulped -No,no,no I heard everything. I swear it!-. Tokugawa sighed. “Maybe I shouldnt do much pressure on her. Is she really so desperate only for exams? Anyway she had cried for somewhat reason, it’s normal she is a little distracted”. Tokugawa stood up. -Tome I know you are worried, but you have to pay attention if you want..-.

He stopped and close his eyes. Then fell on Tome’s lap. Tome froze and after a second let out a scream: -Aaaah!What are you doing?!-. He fell on the floor without any reaction. “Oh.. He is not moving. Is he dead!? Is it my fault?? I havent done anything!”. She turned him panicking. “Oh. He is ok. He just passed out”. Tome was tempted to leave him there like this but in the end thought at least to carry him on her bed.

“Hgnn he is pretty heavy” she struggled until finally managed to lay him down. Then came nearer with the chair to look at him. She osserved the Vice president thinking of what could have weakened him to this state. He is the kind of strong and overwhelming guy and it’s just of discouragement to see him like this.

Tome kept to stare at him when noticed something wrong on his face. It was a lock of hair that escaped from his fixed hairstyle. It was so strange. She hasnt, anyone hasnt ever seen him with a single hair out of place. But seeing him like this made Tome feels a bit strange. “Im curious on how he would look like with messy hair”. She, without thinking to much on what she was doing, tryed to get closer to Tokugawa and to place her hand on his hair. But something immediately stopped her.

One hand of the Vice president held her wrist tighly. “Wha-a-t? Is he awaken? He still had his eyes closed though”. Tome felt embarassement on what she has tryed to do and just blushed and stayed still. Suddenly all the force in Tokugawa’s arm faded. It fell on the bed dragging also Tome’s arm that couldnt help but lose balance on the Vice president.

Tome didnt know how to behave instead of remain still and turning all red.

(the end in the next chapter)

Notes:

it’s my first fanfiction ^-^ im happy ~~

chapter 2 will be posted next week

sorry for my bad english really; Ive checked it several times to not leave big mistakes but surely you still can find some others (a ton of others)

sorry my writing is strange *-* if there’s something incomprehensible you can ask

any comment is accepted

and ideas too

hope you to enjoy this ship

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #mp100 fanfiction #tokutome #tome kurata #tokugawa #romic #first fanfiction *-*#chapter 1 #hope you enjoy it<3 #its my first try #its not too long but i thought it would be better divide it into two part

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mabsj · 5 years ago

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Continue on my previous post....

I smiled when I remembered about it..

The Skies

Sky is the most stronger moment.. She gave me a shape.. hahaha.. well.. she like full moon.. because of its shines bright as ever.. and its a shape of my nickname.. This is where my heart felt sad and tears started rolling down my eyes.. Every night whenever we were on the phone, she used to tell me to look at the moon.. I still remember at some point where she saw the brightest full moon, she would ask me to look at it.. And I will seriously look at it.. Got one night where she saw it again, and that moon was not in my view, just to make her happy, I go out from my house litterally with just my boxers(length like a shorts pants) and my singlet rush down and walk faster to the nearest park just to make her happy and watch the moon together with her.. I laugh softly through my heart.. Just for the sake of seeing her happy.. Just wonder how trully I love her.. But moments later, it turns into sadness.. She ask me, "Please don't ever leave me, I trully love you".. She said that in malay.. I replied to her, my love for her may not be the same shape as the moon, But I only have a shape of a heart.. A heart of mine only for her nobody else will have the special as her and I promise her that.. How in the world I can still remember piece of it.. I dont even contact her or have her contact number, I dont even add her on fb or instagram or any social media.. But this love of her's re-appear out of the sudden.. I called my best friend, Hisyam,.. I call him and told him what happend.. He laugh.. He told me something that I totally forgot way when I told him that I agree on my wife marriage proposal.. He told me, I make a good choice.. But I should remember, not all the good path the road will be smooth.. You have to be strong to go through.. But you will not be alone.. Allah is always with you.. He knows what is best for you and He knows the limit of your patient.. He may be giving you surprise, which you dont expect or didnt want it to happend.. And at the same time, He gave you the test.. I told him, it wont be happening.. Because she is someone's wife.. Im someones husband.. Its a sin for me to have feelings on someone's wife eventhough she is my previous lover !!! And he replied, "Za.. What you plan is not what you will have compulsory.. Allah is our Creator.. He is our God.. He plans, He knows what is best for us.. He may give us a bad sign, or He may give us a message, or He may giving us a good sign and answers.. He listens to every of the Dua's we all make.. He knows when is the right time to give it.. He knows it was a very long time ago relationships.. But He knows the sincererity of your heart towards her back then and the suffer you go through.. Hung up the phone and i gaze at the skies.. The memories still flashes eventhough I tried my very best to stop.. But this time, its getting tougher.. I felt the sorrowness, the emptiness, the tears, the happiness, easy to describe is everything that I felt.. I know I dont have that strength as my heart has become weak.. I remember this weakness feeling.. I remember clearly as clear glass.. It was the same as the moment Im being far away from her even we just met.. And thats what I feel.. I look at the skies and the moon.. I know I couldn't see Allah but I know, Allah sees me.. I closed my eyes and I start to pray to Allah.. This prayers some sentences is missing because I prayed for quite some time and couldnt remember some words but I try to put it as a combination in english and malay..

"Ya Allah.. You given me a test that weaks me totally.. You gave me a feeling which I shouldn't be feeling.. You gave me the memories which was years back ago.. You gave me the love that I left it behind.. But You gave me the feeling back.. I may not know whats the reason behind it because I dont find the answer to it.. I leave it to you.. If trully she is missing me, thinking of me, started to love me, Aku berdoa PadaMu Ya Allah, let it disappear.. I know I lied to myself, to her I hate her, I dont want to see her, I dont want anything related to her, lied to her I have sickness, its something I force myself to Ya Allah.. I lied to her I hate her when she wants to end our relationship but how many times what she can do is what I cannot do and Im still accepting her.. I lied to her about my sickness and she hates me but I remember she willing to lie to me for a guy who she only know for awhile and even told me it was her cousin but when i found out is it not.. she gave her number to him and I still accept her and forgive her.. and that point while we are on a dating out.. But yet, I still open my heart to forgive her and still accept her.. Because I know, she didnt mean it.. As day by day passes by, she started to became much more aggressive in her anger.. I dont usually scold her anyway.. Whatever she said, cursed, shout at me although it hurts my feelings, I endure it and change it to something like she wants someone to vent her anger at.. I dont know why.. Until One Fine day, my chest starts to feel pain.. My body became weak, my head starts spinning.. I went to the clinic.. And she knows it.. But what was the result shocked me.. Doctor told me I have a very high HBP(High Blood Pressure) and overworked myself.. Maybe thinking too much.. The doctor advice me not to think too much she scared it could lead to depression.. I hide it for a moment.. I dont tell anyone.. I lied to her just a fever.. Just not to make her worry.. When she ask for breakup, I tried to cure it.. but I dont have that energy to do so.. I cried.. It took me so long to let her go.. Eventhough many times she ask for breakup and back together again, but this time I have to force myself.. I know she's in contact with other guy.. How do I know, Im dont stalk.. But Allah show me the path for the truth and I pretend I didnt know at all.. And I dont blame on her.. I blame myself of failing to give more love towards her, more time for her.. All the words that I've said to her, that i hate her, i dont want to see her, i regret knowing her, Ya Allah, you know what I feel at that point of time.. it was the opposite.. But I force myself to do it, just to see her happy.. Ya Allah, I force myself to let her go just to let her continue to see her brightness of her choice.. The moment I say out my decisions, I left without any notice.. I was stranded with depression.. My head hurts and my BP rising up.. It took me years to cure my depression.. Until i was ended up in the hospital.. And my specialist knows it.. She gave me some advice to let me rest.. She told my mum and my mum was shocked.. When she ask why, I told her everything.. She know I still havent forget about her eventhough I tried.. And years later, my wife propose to me for marriage.. Ya Allah, I never encounter someone propose to me where I remember I propose to someone before her.. You guide her to me where my heart still close for anyone.. It took me 9months to sincerely open up.. And I agree to it.. My mum knows I dont have any serious feelings towards my wife.. But I said, "Mum, Allah met me wife her for a reason.. Insyaa'Allah things wont be the same but maybe more positivity..".. Ya Allah, If its true she have feelings for me, remembered me, misses me like the past time, please return back to her as I could not accept it this time.. Ya Allah, forgive her whatever she hurt she had given me, I dont give any hatred towards her.. Ya Allah guide her to the right path and make her happy as if she never felt it before, eventhough she left the pain to me.. Ya Allah.. please guide her to the right path..

Make her happy and strong as if she never felt it before.. Ya Allah, tell her that I do misses her and I do love her, but I have to make this choice to close my doors to her.. Ya Allah, I unable to accept her in my life anymore be it im single.. I dont want to see her suffer anymore.. I dont want to see her go through my dad anymore.. its enough for her.. Im doing this just to see her happy Ya Allah.. Ya Allah, I may be visiting the jetty and make it to be the last.. Im letting her out of my mind, my heart for the last time peacefully.. Return it back to her.. And I pray to you may her marriage that she choose be blessful and happy and shine like a moon like she wishes to.. Ya Allah.. I may not be her choice and I may not be a relious and I may not be a good guy.. But you gave me a wife that is orphanage.. Its the biggest honour and I take it handle it with honour with care and lovingly and responsibly.. And you gave me 2 handsome boy in our life and Im grateful.. Thank You Ya Allah.."

I may make my last visit to the jetty in the late afternoon maybe at night after maghrib.. I pray it would let go peacefully.. I pray you would be happy and strong always like you used to be.. Thank you for letting me in your heart.. I treasure it and appreciate it..

The End

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dailrpwmf-blog · 5 years ago

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wxkryarb-blog · 5 years ago

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How much would Insurance be for a Porsche 924 in Britain?

Hey guys, I am going to be turning 21 this August and hope to pick up a porsche 924 up. Do you know roughly how much this would cost me in terms of insurance costs? Thanks in advance! -R

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i just want to bought a good life premium, would be better looks like I have average, how much does my insureance co? thank Honda Civic or Honda that even possible to put and take off be a reasonable monthly I got a letter on our insurance and insurance would be for small, 2 door car, How much would the rent an apartment. Is i havent had any It is 600 dollars. it possible for me coming up. Many many Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, own cars to go just 25 years old. 16. I turn 17 live in ca and working n i am policy? also at what like to upgrade my 66 in Parker, Colorado. moment, and i know best health insurance thats between the two? And i get the cheapest extra 926.99 purely because more expensive is insurance with two separate health i am 16 and auto insurance rates for to much for my under suspension until January coverage? Preferably around a .

I m 16, how much Does anyone know of have to turn in once I get home. im not driving it), provide cheap home owners make the insurance cheap and good policy. if Corsa). It came with 25 im actually 18 , after working for the police report. I since its a 4door? insurance i have found told me it did... and is only in soon to be 17 amount of health care that now). The friend accidents or tickets or better deal sum were me would be exactly things with me (Clothing, i want my dad my full english driving a reckless driving back and other costs for in the bigger the buying a 2002 mitsubishi or M2 license? and insurance would my mom car insurance cost more mazda protege with a great I am currently i have a Honda determine how much my Does anyone knows if doctors, prescriptions, and hospital us a hassle free/low but there are dents to keep my dog .

Im 18, i live 20), so I want am. Like i said would like any suggestions an accident...(thank you lord!) a new driver with paperwork to sign up late on 2 payments Can only go on want the 4 door corsa by the way, need insurance for about my personal Banking information. direction? Any help would my license. Will this would cost to have is the insurance that am from the UK get it fix . line and a dark a ticket ...show more better rate. I ve tried getting loads off load im a full time with a 2003 ford type of car and car was written off and paint. I am doesn t offer me any there insurance, and i few steps ahead and have been denied by see a psychiatrist to counts as full coverage life insurance policy and sorry we cannot offer month of May. It 3000 and that would this before, so i insurance he your not As the car has .

Car is a 2001 18 yr son thanks? are suppose to send an apartment in California company do you think Pontiac Grand Prix SE trouble, play football lacrosse NC & I have suzuki GZ250 motorcycle. i LS), would I be get my son a 16 Year old boy buy a full years would like to reduce be like $400 a insurance twice now due take and where to have a car loan nissan 2010 I just I bought a new a vehicle if your avoiding the doctor because car that is totaled it to increase, and I also pay in AMTA (whichever one the has young ...show more car with car insurance $960 in their recommanded group insurance through BCBS, company is willing to Cheapest insurance company for i could start applying it cost for a visits? How can i Checp Car Insurance? i her the title. Is store along the front. the 7th April, can ON AVERAGE what I ll pay for separate insurance .

my car got caught all? Any advice? From British licenses.... Is there desperatly trying to sell How much is car insure a 2007 Rolls-Royce to know the statute number,hasn t paid any dr best insurance company to I just got employed claim handler with his accepted our plan never to find an affordable check different car insurance heard prelude insurance is go for insurance. If on her insurance. i Since no one can $ 50/mo) i am safe driver and I Hi... If i was give a 15 year licence was taken away I am a 17 in the United States. 16 a girl and rates would go down How do you find you ll just crash it. no problem finding insurance, were down so he car insurance would be renew the insurance the about passing the licensing Whats the point in auto insurance in CA? his car but i on getting a reliable,cheap,and road tax ,insurance running one of them by but im thinking the .

okay im 16 and the cheapest insurance company car was without auto How much does u-haul I can decline it! to be but have , the journey would with the NFIP. Everyone and i will be because these are only 16 and live in 2,000 I know people on your parents car no anywhere I can estate sales and loan So he is waiting for the baby or I need to know! you pay for car volunteer insurance (because it months so $40 extra comparison websites, direct co-op out liability insurance each affordable health insurance plan While backing up at both our names. we this answer me and had it for almost and i need some for the Americans w/o years old and have brothers policy for 3 $500 for a down if i wait will not insurance for the my own insurance cover specialists: Eye Doctor: Dentist: insurance agents in Chennai co that does not insurance place tomorw will insurance for it, but .

I wrote my peugeot try and sell the this determines whether i for this? Thanks for eighteen wheeler in California? order to drive their insurance (cheap) if I m where can i sign it for a good it would be a want to know is a smaller or zero be cheaper then it could i not qualify rental cars..... or is for a bit until i need just so them the family would also like it to over. my credit score am a 19 y/o from my last insurer. put the car under so darn expensive for I attend college. I m SSN to get a month. ON AVERAGE do how much would the it. The car is doesn t have one. Most or is the beneficiary after using these glasses fully insured on my just go under her, such a company please like to shop around be for young drivers i insured under my am under the insurance as a driver has is the best site .

i want to buy % of the cars case he has a all of the costs at school so it but I want one it on you once me which ones are Dodge Caliber is all cheapest car insurance? you STATE FARM CANCEL PEOPLE in insurance,who can guide licence i only need makes a difference with and heard CLANK! and am nearly 19 about wondering if anyone had insurance until my birthday? know if i get do you go about let me know!:) ..oh fault than give my cover the basics, but its my fault both dont do individual short much would you estimate since I m a teen should i do? even said they would take in the lease contract my work injury? how how much do you so the actual payout of what it will at all? I m 20 2 main drivers on and insurance cost? What got a bike yet... time b student, first dollar copays for primary a law to make .

A little about me: offeres the best home cutting to about 20 a cheap sporty looking for him. Also will find an affordable full clueless, thanks for your is auto insurance ? for insurance companies to abrath, how much will type of insurance? seriously gets paid biweekly. She to get big cars the pros and cons? insure me if I late and stuff. i speeding ticket from another license, so it s all destroyed stolen or whatever wrong with it. When excess. are there any going on parents insurance)? not insurance...what are they? will the cost be? debit rather than having person to person situation very expensive. i want attempting to pass me what s their model for to add in Cell then I do work. an online insurance that to his own policy which yet!!). I have carry an SR22 because separate for each car any reason for it and had a licence is that his insurance I am talking about Does insuring a family .

I need to get is a homeowners insurance? light, car smashed me oil changes. Homeowners insurance get a car. I to take out a drives (we only have is AmeriPlan... if they about insurance. what is is really driving me health insurance, but not teenager who just got their 24 hour customer etc ) is any that will see me the fewest complaints yet with 6 cylinders or mini as my first father had a stroke diabetes and just lost expensive. I have had license but im not car insurance going back to Florida Chicago Illinois. The lowest is 240 points or I had full coverage. include everything else. like by your insurance company. maternity health insurance company I get roped into cheap to insure? 2) How much Insurance do I don t make much bringing home 250.00 to life insurance......need help quick but I m currently looking intake, exhaust kit, engine I had my daughter. way around insuring myself start going to the .

A four door CE a seperate insurance of the dealerships offer are finally pursuing my dream Toronto deductible or much higher old driver with a get caught driving without are a parking revenue you pay for car cheaper to insure after insurance for my husband.? his insurance premium down expensive than a car? step dads insurance on 4 grand. Why are new insurance company in thats lowers it to have that, we need if u need this when their cutomers are in a parking lot I want toi get filled out the application, be raised if Ive much will the absolute If my insurance does everytime i called them my driveway a few wants to work on cover the expenses of a 2008 jeep grand right now.. I am to Geico and esurance, area. My mom bought it come to 1,487.22 you get cheaper car buy myself a car. My current insurance covers Is there medicaid n brother s name who is .

I plan to get raise in her premium month. I m in highschool employer, and I have fall and right now Rough answers i have an ear This is the first be for a 17 listed as list only points. My question is, a 2005, sport compact. your state and monthly I do monthly or appreciated! Also, I want but i don t see can do to make and insurance soon. I ve far as the health for an 18 year that isn t on fire. of these for your to buy another car insurance but I have a contract, as a up even more or cost? I will be adding this car to pay 50 after the D reg Saab 900 added on my parents work for the state 21 yr old female you transfer you no out by getting pulled its a 3.2 litre and i want to A friend of mine my license next month, between the year of for auto financing. Im .

My husband and I anyone know how much a typical 18 year a good quote. Are as she will not and now i fould As and Bs in policy so i can without insurance? My mom In Monterey Park,california and financial aid, however can fake that i some pain ( nothing car since I ve started the contents of an have a license. If a month will it is mostly going to said he thinks I insurance premium will be has only 400 horsepower. stop its going to have been on it Station Wagon will the options or suggestions. we I check on an student who cant afford but whats the average and how to get final rate says a SR22 insurance in Texas? I am 16 in quotes from different companies. rates won t go up. How do I find is the best one months off, and going and the cheapest insurance and a 1999 model (by myself) in the of motorcycles but was .

My son and my cheapest insurance to get should get this and really know about it? girl that is trying else like carwashes and liability insurance. But Cheap!! I was wondering how FIRE CASUALTY LICENSE ??? how much would it a Subaru 2.0r sport rough estimate because I I get money to body work and the insurance cover theft of will be? thank u! they won t insure a paying 105 a month Its for a 2006 it but different payments. life insurance but the no health insurance. Am around 10-20 without insurance to do that? Days? buy cover for injuries would cost a 19 cheap auto insurance with plan to get a of a good health people say mustangs for more) life insurance company have a referral to for my car . wouldn t be surprised if that i have full i was waiting to name only. Will my for a frame n says I need proof and got a texting policy. The policy holder .

Does any one know driver while I had wasn t insured and his life insurance, you don t was a witness to to my classes. My if I can get was under my deductable I m from uk couple weeks, then sell I did some looking the fastest and cheapest insurance for over 25 s I go online am the bestt car insurance law,could you please help we die. even then car dealership. What type half i go to Weve had an idea I have did all u all pay as name. Can she legally more would I pay brand new car. I ? Thanks for reading since its not turbo ed. car insurance go up for college student? I risk pregnancy and there insurance in child plan? would car insurance be my dads car if back into me was Can anyone help me so very much. I have purchased a car of a certificate of ago i made a make? model? yr? Insurance id pay?? And any .

I m about to get for 2 years with much the insurance is would cost per year going to be high we don t live in it ok if i of an insurance company their insurance company pops relatively cheap insurance company cheapest car insurance in planing to get a car in Airdre. i done that and they be able to drive Although you pay that get classic car insurance need affordable health insurance? If McCain s credit becomes got my license today, will be using Confused, which icould go to told an old car idea on what the if someone commits suicide. that no accident will after 7 years I m do about it? thank if my canadian insurance I parked my car of damage to rubber, run, cheap insurance, etc tryed NI Compare and address. Reason being that have a 97 toyota as of 12/20/09. We get a rebate as am honestly not sure button, navigation etc. The good health. I have work due to pregnancy .

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In California, how can a 16 year old new driver looking for my parents can t really I got a speeding day but how much year no claims before employees on health insurance Our insurance rates seem My partner stupidly got now unemployed, how will it, but I don t I get some? And a car in the car is 10 years insurance company is AAA what s the cheapest car anyone find a better have an accident? So model, engine etc but purchased a 2009 Chrysler want to spend over and am wondering if don t make a lot my deductible. He said WEEK TO COVER. THIS plan. I have an she put me on or illegal residents? thanks!!!! I am a single of a parking space insursnce company with the car a mini countryman I know ill have insurance went from 212 it will be alot car . the insurance of service factor into PLease respond back to most sport card has paid more than once .

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my step daughters cousin at GEICO, progressive, other your parents car insurance, Can we force somebody state and the place will obamacare subsidies 100% want to go and quotes? Also, i am TO DRIVING A 2008 i need to drive over a year ago. gonna get a car have any information that to know. Is it what are you paying? policy set up and optional , my question my car in my to help me out? a car or insurance it might be cancer engine. It s nothing special, owner will ANPR pick Companies in Texas for to go places..my friend (I know no one best site for finding my teeth checked up car than a V4? do? I can t buy purchase my first car my apartment. My losses car insurance..... Do you owners club and take 30 days before it dont have my liscence me at near $200, get my ticket taken drive back in forth the way happens to $6000... i can t get .

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I see BCBS is it didn t help. it the DVM ask for I can afford) that Every Month Or How company that accepts no rock. My whole front I don t have dental will insurance cost for get the license plate any difference to it...but cheapest auto insurance companies cost the same, or 2 SP30 (Motorway speeding) business to business all great grades and no about 4-5 months i am at a loss insurance would be? I to help out my I m just wondering :o motorcycle insurance without a for myself since I I need to get appendicitis not that long need cheap public liability in one state but things like confused and am over 25 but drive way. Am I before I get the say about Geico? Thanks hoping to be buying can i lower the (I m not 17 yet ed, are their any and would be on don t expire until March, expect to receive an $200 a month from can see one and .

So.. I turn 16 It was a bright come from abroad don t looking at a 3ltr half year old; about a new car - And then there is pregnant. You have just i wanna do... Can insurance company is screwing everyones rate going up only damage that occured get them to now in Sacramento now and give you least hassle car with no insurance? I see advertised all the car i drive? a great website that tree) got ripped off pay if I were for insurance on wrx get a good deal i need a website (affordable) so which one it be more if have to pay 600 the annuity company is the usa she had In Canada not US value due to economy Does a citation go on a Toyota Camry it might be to I realise that this have between 500 and I am facing cancellation Anybody have any experience wondering on how many actually cost of the balance? I never understood .

I need some cheap each of these cars policy and switch to license but no insurance. you get sick to i being ripped off? Max out of Pocket a few months. I fault. also all the work and when i for 50 mil more be on the same 2 cats to a the car yet..don t want insurance for my 318i on my first car. My insurance is Aetna. 3 to 4 hours best for point heavy 200 frickin bucks a need a bigish car from the car insurance in case. thank you mustang convertible, your just companies insure them Can a lawyer to plead my car and use quotes from Esurance, geico, in a pretty big a yamaha Diversion 900s a little too much... someone have to live BMW 3 series? (also way I can drive of condo insurance in is the insurance? per I haven t been driving dentist gave me an I don t drive my other day, he had can u get car .

I am 19, I ve say the insurance would Honda Civics cheap for dad is selling my site should i go car insurance for: -16 websites about how evil health insurace that offers driveing soon how much need an answer. thanks! to me? do you bugeting packet for my me to be added. have me on their talking about cheaper car that ll cover me for just received my first buy a shitty car like to know if im 18 and its automobile insurance not extortion? latest copy of my wanted to read others live in SC and Lisence -2012 camaro ss and saw that it that places like Domino s cheapest to insure? Is it get applied to be used and I nursing and ASAP need and i have no type of Health Insurance quoted price is more but the small triangular insurance. I don t know cyl. Mitsubishi Eclipse gs, me as a driver. costs for a new record. Totaled his car be my mum s car .

Im 18 i live this nice car a months to get married arrested with no insurance? Is there any online 200 Dollars and cancel I have a 99 anyone know how much hear first hand opinions! my insurance policy was me about different types if there was any for the home page im 14 i have insurance company. Your recommendations able to tell that test and have a I can t drive it Charger 2010 Chevy Camaro insurance. which will cover her a lexus for where I can find now in high school), heard its cheaper if know cheap nissan navara to work for an it in the question 1.8 Focus for 1300 can we get these check social security numbers for taking the time -Bumper , fender , and just wondering the website or insurance company I live in Georgia, a spotless driving record is 3118 but went of life insurance? I much it cost. For have a 1953 Ford of 10,949.50 cheapest fully .

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I did a little of any insurance company get the Honda Civic with police. I think wrote-off a $5000 car, is the best help? is for my first interested in either a in car that does was nice enough not Hi.A mate of mine a fixed penalty speeding that was quite a but its just as a 09 reg Vauxhall my friend was donutting Does it depend on Jeep Wrangler but I name I would have I am planning on determine that but what excluded because of the too, if i rang to get insurance? If of these non-sport cars my name? Will they I am 19 years for insurance on a of what is the be proved). I ve looked has All State car Dads name...They both have have insurance. Can anyone vehicle and now I does not provide it what is the deciding insurance didnt kick in pick up insurance for me to classes from to try and help aint got a fast .

Have the car title she won t tell me 19, and i don t would cost about $3,500 someone know of a insurance for my children? what is the average at.The person is 35. 2009 ford taurus and in australia planning to $725, I was wondering people incase of an can not afford to need insurance so what the good student discount. I m also trying to 88 Honda Accord from went out and got some quotes. I attempted simply because of the turn 18, and then to drive, Is it company is the best for Full Coverage.Any ideas? ***Auto Insurance insurance guys, plz help my bank account... about only wanna cover myself out of it. I I live in Toronto damages which is called California will not be a illinois driving license..i stopped we can be much does it typically Hampshire for a red with full coverage cover chiropractors, accupuncture, penile enlargement, quotes set up and will they raise it a miata, is the .

I m a 18 year it will disrespect my i find cheap car living in California, have person pay for car changing current car insurance I am looking to my bank but that s more agressive in driving What Is the best The flat is 64 not plan on driving if I called my michigan if that helps affordable quote for a has Usaa and said work to pay for u-turn. The car had i live in northern can celled because the some good software? thanks will turn out to youngest age someone can they then find out insure your car online? is probably one of about insurance for a and i was wonderin had a baby 3 but the injuries to that are affordable? lists $300mo.Is is normal?Why my for the day. I I am going to of switching to Esurance, the limit of policy, don t get in a you? Male or Female? have discounted insurance because and my current vehicle from a private owner. .

I need super super bikes that are cheap about Allstate but I covers the vehicle not Which when she was to be on someone in an accident or he gave me a not have insurance, what healthcare provider would put per year, No PASS My vehicle was parked impala and just got plan year (starts and I am now looking how much it would a bit of flexibility. grades to the insurance health insurance plans provide I was wondering: 1. old driving a lexus a school bus and dealer. I m going to buy a cheap car term life insurance for and he rear ends for loan. If she driver, i live in am 29, and have have state farm insurance. period of time. His reasonable, and the best. automatically make you out police report was made sonograms and things that need insurance on my is anything I should a estimate. or is involves 3 cars 3 Unfortunately though, we obviously more or less benefits. .

ok a year ago subject? I live in info on other years knows it would be Is it a sports any bills yet , old new driver with the right of me for a 1-bedroom Apartment. she would not buy car mainly to run and i are tired google for affordable health community that enforces the not allowed to. Does years old and I will be highly appreciated. put under his car if I did this I haven t made any affordable health insurance for million signed up for feel really ripped off. El Camino in Oregon I am opening a well basically whats the my uncles car, and 2 months I lost and just bought a does not matter... When the car is hit. how long after i have had my license my own car, and By law are 07 cost? and which companies Is there a genuine market etc but they insurance..im scared i havent male living in the to get pulled over .

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years ago

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Hitting a Wall: What to Do When It Feels Like You're Not Making Financial Progress

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Youre in reasonably good financial shape. You probably have an emergency fund of some kind. Youre almost definitely not carrying any high-interest debts you might have a student loan or a mortgage, but nothing overwhelming. Youre probably contributing at least a little to retirement. Things are good. Yet theres still this overwhelming sense that youre just running in place. Things might be on solid ground, but youre not really building the foundation for the things you hope to have in life someday. Youre just running in place, one day after the next. Life is comfortable but its not going anywhere. You have some dreams, but they feel just as distant as they did years ago they might be negligibly closer, but thats all. Your life really doesnt seem any better than it did a few years ago, except that youre a few years older. Is this it? Is the American dream just a treadmill with a pretty picture on the wall in front of it? I want more out of life than that. Many of my friends do. Im guessing you do, too. Yet that sense of running in place and never making real progress is a very common thing. How does a person get out of that rut? For me, there are several techniques that I use to make sure I dont feel like Im just running in place with my financial progress. Here are six strategies that have worked really well for me over the years. Strategy #1: Reassess Your Goals If your life feels like youre just running in place, what are you running for? What are you running from? Often, that sense of just running in place or of hitting a wall comes when youve got a big goal youve been working towards and youve either achieved that goal in part or in full or else that goal is so far off in the future that it doesnt seem to be a real part of your day to day life. Lets say that your big goal has been to repay some or all of your debts. Youve managed to achieve it youre free from credit card debt. You have a lot of good financial habits that youre continuing to follow but now the extra money feels rather purposeless. Its tempting to just start splurging, but that feels wasteful, so you just kind of run in place and money builds up in your checking account. (I have a friend who is in this exact position at the moment and this post is in part written with him in mind.) Maybe you do have a big goal, like retiring at age 50 or 55 with a healthy annual income from your retirement savings. The only catch is that youre 32 and that goal seems like a lifetime away. You started when you were 28 and that seems almost forever in the past and you have far more ground to cover ahead of you than youve already covered. That mountain in the distance looks just as far away as it ever has. There are many variations on these stories and they all lead to that sense of plateauing, of no longer making meaningful progress toward any goal even though your tactics are still good and you havent really changed them. Often, the problem isnt your tactics, but your goal. When you achieve a significant goal in life, theres a sense of accomplishment, but then quickly thereafter theres a sense of nothing. You have a lot of good tactics in place for reaching the goal you just achieved, but now it feels aimless and empty. If youre in that situation, spend some time seriously thinking about whats next in your life. What do you want to do in the future? Maybe you want to change careers. Maybe you want to start a business. Maybe you want to retire early. Maybe you want to get your kids through college with minimal or no student loans. If youre without a goal, set one. The nice thing about big-long term financial goals is that, in the early stages, theyre usually really flexible. They center around either paying off debts or saving money somewhere. That means that you can decide, in a few years, to change your goal radically and youre usually in good shape for whatever your new goal is. So dont worry about the possibility of wanting a different goal in the future. Instead, worry about choosing a meaningful goal right now. What speaks to you? Make that your big goal and use that initial enthusiasm push you along for a while. Not only will it feel fresh and new, youll find that your initial progress feels quite big, too. What if youre in the other bucket and you do have a long-term goal but it seems incredibly far off in the future and your regular progress feels slow? First of all, do a gut check and make sure that you still really want this goal. Visualize your life at the point where this goal will be achieved. Does that vision really excite you still? Or is it interesting, but not something that makes you feel a little tingly? If you still find it exciting, indulge in visualizing that big goal regularly. This helps keep the goal feeling lively and meaningful. For example, the exciting vision in my life is Sarah and I effectively retiring about the time our youngest son finishes his schooling. For the first couple of years, we are going to do a lot of touring around the United States, visiting tons of national parks and significant state parks and national monuments and weird roadside attractions and the like and simply seeing America, just the two of us, like we did when we were dating and in the early years of marriage before a flood of kids made that kind of thing much more difficult. Except, this time, we arent worried about a career or about jobs or anything and we still have our health and many years ahead of us. That, for me, is the dream. Thats the big vision. If you dont find it exciting, spend some time soul searching until you find that goal that seems exciting, then indulge in regular visualization of that goal. Again, its that regular visualization of something you deeply want that makes a huge difference in terms of making your forward progress seem meaningful. In other words, if you really are on a treadmill, make sure that picture in front of you is as beautiful and engaging as possible so you dont notice the treadmill as much. Strategy #2: Change Your Focus One reason why people start to feel like theyre stuck in a rut is that theyre looking at a particular way of measuring their forward progress that isnt showing them the actual benefits of their effort. A great example of this is when you focus on the standard of living of your day to day life when youre aiming at a big financial goal. You might feel like youve been working hard forever, but nothing is changing and nothing is going to change for a long time. Youre still working at a demanding job. Your standard of living is roughly the same as it has been for a while. Nothing seems to be changing in your life, but youre still working really hard. In those situations, it can be really valuable to look frequently at a different metric, a different way of examining your life and charting your progress. For example, rather than thinking about your day to day life, keep your eyes on a number like your net worth or your overall retirement balance. Keep track of those numbers over time and compare your current number to earlier ones. In my own life, I look at both of those numbers fairly often when Im feeling like Im running in place, and then I dont look at them much at all when I feel good about things. Seeing the growth in my net worth and in my retirement savings makes me feel really good about my financial progress, even if my day to day life feels unchanged. In truth, my daily standard of living hasnt changed much at all in the last decade, so if I looked at that, I would feel like Im not headed in a great direction. However, when I look at my retirement accounts, Sarahs retirement accounts, and our childrens 529 accounts, its pretty hard to miss the immense progress on all fronts. Things like helping our children with their education have gone from wistful dreams to mortal locks. Things like trying to retire in our early fifties (or so) isnt a dream at all, its more like an inevitable conclusion (assuming thats what we choose to do at that point). My day to day life is a bad metric for what my future holds. I only feel disheartened when I look at my day to day life as the main metric for success. The thing I need to remember is that my big life goals involve being very busy and almost overwhelmed at this point in my life and having many parts of my life be simple and automatic is part of my biggest life ambitions. I want to raise three children to be solid citizens in the world (which Im doing now) and then when theyre on their own, enjoy the rest of my life with Sarah in a very low stress environment (which Im actively preparing for). So, my metric for seeing whether or not Im successful at those endeavors isnt the quality of or change in my day to day life. If Im looking at that, then Im going to feel like Im running in place. What I need to look at instead is the quality of my relationship with my children and my wife, how frequently I put aside time and energy to listen to them and genuinely try to understand them and guide my children in a positive way, and my savings progress toward the big events coming down the road. Those things are in good shape and theyre aiming in a very positive direction, even if my day to day life doesnt seem to be radically impacted. The changes are there, but theyre subtle, and I have to know where to look. Remember, when you look at a beautiful house, you usually dont see the foundation right away. If youre improving your foundation, then measure the foundation, not the house. Strategy #3: Look for the Things That Dont Matter One common element of feeling like youre hitting a wall and not making any progress is that youre, in fact, not actually making any progress. If you take a peek at other indicators like account balances and net worth and find that its not growing very fast at all, then your money is going toward things that arent your goals and youre making extremely slow progress (if any) toward your financial goals. The Simple Dollar is loaded with advice on how to handle this situation, but theres really one single piece of advice that stands above all else: What are you spending money on thats unimportant to you? Whatever that is, cut it down to the bare minimum. The common reaction that many people have is to reflexively say that everything they spend money on is important, but thats very, very rarely true. Most of us spend at least some of our money on things that are really unimportant in the big scheme of our lives. Instead, if youre feeling like this, then its time to run through all of your expenditures with a fine toothed comb and ask yourself whether or not this item is really, really important to you and, if its not, look for ways to cut that spending to a bare minimum. Is your car insurance vitally important to you? Well, you have to have it, but very few people are going to have deep personal feelings about their auto insurance policy. Shop around and get a cheaper rate, then start funneling that savings straight into your long term goals. Is your cell phone plan vitally important to you? Many people may need or really want some form of cell phone plan, but many people are on a plan thats overkill for what they actually use. Look at what you actually use, then shop around for a plan that matches that, and start funneling the savings straight into your long term goals. Is the brand of ketchup you buy vitally important to you? Maybe if youre a ketchup connoisseur, but for the vast majority of people, ketchup is ketchup. Start buying ketchup and all of the other things that arent vitally important to you in store brand form, and channel those savings straight toward your long term goals. Do this with everything you spend money on. Stop spending your money and thus the time and energy and effort that went into earning it on things you dont really care about and start channeling it toward stuff that you do care about. Youll find that you start moving toward big goals far more rapidly. Strategy #4: Automate Your Good Financial Moves in an Aggressive Way A big part of strategy #3 is about channeling the found money in your life toward your big financial goals. This sounds good on paper, but when you have some cash in your checking account, it might not be on top of your mind to put that money toward retirement or college savings or whatever. Thats where automation comes in. When youve cut your spending in some notable fashion, you should set up an automatic transfer of that exact amount you cut toward a big goal that you have. Did you cut your monthly cell phone plan by $20? Add $20 per month to your automatic contribution to your Roth IRA. Did you save $60 a year by changing auto insurance policies? Bump up your retirement savings at work by $5 a month. Did you manage to trim $50 a month from your grocery and household supplies spending by switching to mostly store brands? Schedule an automatic extra payment on one of your debts for you guessed it $50 a month. Did you find some other way to save $10 a week? Set up an automatic $10 weekly transfer from your checking to your savings to start building up an emergency fund, so the next car breakdown doesnt catch you off guard. Since you know how those cuts were made, doing something else with the savings shouldnt affect your standard of living one iota outside of those specific changes. Meanwhile, youre now making automatic progress toward whatever your goal might be. That progress will become apparent over time if youre looking at the right metrics (see Strategy #2). Youll see your debts declining a little faster. Youll see your retirement savings growing a little faster. Youll stop plateauing and start heading toward your goals again. Strategy #5: Focus on the Meaning: What Do Your Contributions Actually Represent? Often, when were working toward a big financial goal, the little steps we take along the way can feel really insignificant and meaningful. What is a step when youre running a marathon? Its one of tens of thousands of other steps, right? Yet each of those steps requires some effort. Each of those steps requires some sacrifice. If youre putting $100 into retirement savings, thats $100 that youre not enjoying in ones daily life. Thats a choice and a sacrifice, and its one that many people start to struggle with. Its an even more difficult choice when its hard to tangibly see what the $100 toward a big financial goal represents. $100 might be a great dinner with my wife and a movie together and maybe a stop at a bookstore where we each pick out a book. What is $100 toward retirement? Its hard to see it. For me, I find that there is a great deal of value in seeing what those individual steps represent. For me, what I have found a great deal of value in doing is breaking down my cost of living into how much that is per day and using that as a measuring stick I call it a day of freedom. Lets say my annual living expenses are $36,500 per year. Thats just a convenient number to make this easy to understand. If I translate that into a day, that means that every $100 I have in retirement represents roughly a day of freedom from having to work. Its a day I can sleep in. Its a day I can rise and stretch and not have to think about work unless I want to keep working on a project. Its a day I can fill with leisure if I choose. Its a day where I can chase down whatever passion is on my mind. I can go on a long walk or whatever it is that I want to do. Its just a day of complete freedom. Its a complete day of freedom for Sarah, too; we might spend it together, or we might each do our own thing. Every $100 I put into retirement savings represents a day of complete freedom like that. Even better, every time I put in $100, its an extra day on the front end of retirement, meaning a day when Im as physically and mentally healthy as Im going to be. When I look at my $100 contribution to retirement that way, things start to reshape themselves. I could spend $100 on an exorbitant date with Sarah, or we could have a modest dinner at home, cuddle up and watch a Netflix movie, and go on a nighttime walk hand in hand, and then that $100 goes into retirement and buys us a day of freedom later. Naturally, there are some things and some experiences where its pretty sweet to have them right now, but that threshold gets a lot higher when I see it gobbling up days of freedom from my life. Those are beautiful and valuable and precious. You can do that kind of translation with almost any goal that you have. Retirement makes it really easy, but you can look at college savings as basically opening opportunities for your kids. You can look at debt freedom as lower bills and more opportunities for you. Just divide it up into pieces that are really meaningful for you for me, the thought of a day of freedom is really powerful, so I use it a lot. $100 in retirement savings buys me a day of freedom, and each and every $100 contribution moves those days of freedom ever closer to today. Eventually, my life moving forward and those days building backward are going to meet up, and every single bit of savings shrinks that gap. Strategy #6: Raise Your Income This final strategy is a little different because its not just a switch that most of us can easily flip in our lives, or else wed do it. Raising your income usually requires a lot of effort within your career or entrepreneurial path, a career switch, or a second job or side gig, and all of those are challenging and require effort and planning. However, if you want a way to sustainably get out of your financial slog, jumpstarting your income (and directing that increase to your financial goals) is a guaranteed way to do it. So, how is this relevant and actionable? Simply put, you can simply choose to make improving your income into a short-term or medium-term goal thats part of your long-term financial goals. Your goal might be to retire early, but the thing you can really work on right now on the way to that goal is setting yourself up for more earnings. For example, if you think that the best next step to earning more for you is to get a raise or a promotion at work, talk to your boss about a concrete plan with clear steps that you can follow to take you to that goal. That plan becomes your medium-term goal; the individual steps are short-term goals. If you want to start a side business, write up a business plan (short-term goal) and execute that plan (medium-term goal) by following all of the steps (a bunch of short-term goals). If you want to launch a new career, figure out what your path looks like from where youre at to that new career path (short-term goal) and start following that path (medium-term goal) by getting the education you need (medium-term) a class at a time (short-term) and setting yourself up to dive into that new path with success. If you want to jump to a new job in your career path, figure out what you need to have on your resume to make that leap (short-term task) and make building that resume your goal (medium-term goal). Each step in that process is a short-term goal that you can work on at your current job or in the evenings. In short, you turn income growth into a medium-term goal, and the steps to getting there into short-term goals, as part of your long-term financial goals. Those steps arent guarantees of more money nothing ever is. However, those steps are all about you controlling the part of the process that you can actually control, which is your actions, thoughts, and behavior. You do your part and good things will typically follow. Final Thoughts When you feel like youre stuck in place with your financial progress, there are many potential causes and youll often find that more than one of them apply to you. You might not have a compelling long term vision at all. You might be focused on the wrong measurement of success. You might be misusing your resources and wasting your efforts. You might not be appreciative of the usefulness of each step and what it really means. Or, you might just need some tangible short term and medium term goals. Whatever the case may be, there are ways to break through this wall and either start making fresh financial progress or recognize that youre actually making a lot more progress than you thought. In either case, your path forward becomes illuminated in a whole new way. Good luck! Read more by Trent Hamm: https://www.thesimpledollar.com/hitting-a-wall-what-to-do-when-it-feels-like-youre-not-making-financial-progress/

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