#like im never mad and always just fucking go with whatever mom wants to do but the fuckgin one time i get peeved its

[nomairuins]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[soobibabe]

tubatu world domination

6 members - 6 active

soobin: do you guys ever think about beomgyu: no

soobin: damn can i FINISH my STATEMENT

you: to be fair you were typing like a snail i saw it with my own eyes

kai: i think what you were thinking soobin

soobin: thanks kai

yeonjun: wym 'saw it with my own eyes' ??? YOURE WITH HIM@:@::#*# PKSIMABOUT TOTHROW UP

you: i told you guys i was gonna go to the mall today ?

beomgyu: guys man or bear hehehhhhehehhhheeh>.<<<<<

taehyun: y/n reply to my dm pls.

yeonjun: WHENE DID YIU TELL US YOU WERE GOING TO THE MALLLLWHY DOES SOOBIN GET TO GO EITH YOU

soobin: because im just cunty like that. lolz

you: @gyu ummm probably bear

beomgyu: HEHHEEHHEH you want me so bad

kai: what kind of bear

taehyun: y/n?

you: guys isnt that so weird!!! a blank chat keeps popping up!!!???

soobin: your phones probably broken

brokxn like me... 🥀

yeonjun: i could take a bear

beomgyu: no thx peace and love but FOK no

kai: why isnt anyone questioning this odd taehyun behavior

you: who behavior?? never heard of it sry

yeonjun: taehyun like taehyun your bandmate... early dementia signs i fear now ditch soobin lets go get you checked up ^.^ beomgyu: shes upset because tyun said he was too busy to go out with her today

soobin:

taehyun: i really was busy. pdnim called me in for a meeting about the next Academy Reincarnation season.

you: k

soobin: me personally if i got hit with a k by txts silliest member i would kms lowk

beomgyu: NAWWWW ME TOOO

yeonjun: i'd get hard idk

kai: can we put him on a speaking ban again

yeonjun: PLSEASEESESESE NOOOOOO I'KK STOP PLS LAST TIME WAS HORRRRIBLE

beomgyu: why hasnt soobin gotten one yet hes always talking anf talking anf talking and talking AND HES A NERD LIKE DAMN!!!!!!!!!! PICK A STUGGLE!!!!!!!!!!

soobin: yk youre so nice to me when were alone...

yeonjun: 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂

kai: 👀

taehyun: y/n reply to me me and i'll buy you whatever you want from prada

you: im their ambassador you twat

taehyun: right, yes sorry i forgot how about i bring you flowers and [your favourite food] to the dorm later?

you: deal

kai: HEY WTF ITS THST EASY? the last time you were mad at me you didnt talk to me for a whole SIX HOURS EVEN AFTER I APOLOGISED ON MY KNEES

beomgyu: guys if you weren't already an idol under bighit which bts member would you date

you: all 7

taehyun: jungkook

soobin: jin no wait hobi lowkey he's a cutie

beomgyu: you have to choose ONE y/n

yeonjun: jimin or tae kook is cool but i probably wouldn't be able to handle his fans

you: no ur so right actually i could not handle dating another idol LMFAOO

soobin: ???? wdym i spoke with ur mum already she gave me her blessings we can date :3 even as idols heheheheh you: she did not

soobin: did tooooooo

you: nuh uh when did you even meet her

taehyun: he's lying i was there

yeonjun: hahaha liar liar pants on fire

you: when the hell did you guys meet my mom

kai: well SOMEONE left us on a cliffhanger last week and didn't tell us who she was dating so we did the next best thing...

you: SAYYYT YOURE FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW OMG IS THAT WHY MY MOTHER HAS BEEN SPAMMING MY PHONE ABOUT "COMING HOME FOR KIMCHI" ? CAUSE SHE KNOWS I DONT EVEN FW KIMCHI LIKE THAT

yeonjun:yea!!!!!!! tell them queen!!!!!!! why did you guys not invite me. fake fucks.

you: WHAT DID SHE EVEN SAY

soobin: something about how she thought you were a lesbian so she doesn't even know what we're talking about

you: well shes not half wrong

taehyun: anywho she did NOT give ANY blessings to anyone however she did say that you were getting older and needed to get more serious about future planning cause all you put your effort into is work

soobin: that was basically her speaking in maternal code for "hey you can marry my daughter once contracts are terminated" trust me id know

kai: maternal code?

soobin: yep im an expert

beomgyu: what the fuck does that even mean

soobin:

taehyun: sometimes i wonder about the state of your mental wellbeing soobin: you just need to match my 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 you wouldn't get it. yeonjun: taehyun gets our freak soobin 💯 he's the one who suggested recording the killa with our shirts off.. fucking freak

you: i suggested that actually :3 but tyun suggested the lights off for tinnitus

yeonjun: Y/N MY PRETTY PRINCESS QUEEN DARLING DEAR I DIDNT MEAN IT I SWEAR THAT WAS THE BESSSSSST SUGGESTION EVER THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT IM SORRY

beomgyu: you make me sick beomgyu left tubatu world domination kai: never a moment of peace in this household…

A/N: this has been marinating in my drafts and i HATE it but i need to get rid of it 🤔🤔🙏🏼💯🔥 pls accept this scrap cause i may be a little burnt out 😭😭🤣🤣😜👊

[yuukei-yikes]

kind of a specific random question but do you think theres a possibility that shintaros the first one to try and stop being so attached to takane. like one day takane is all haha hey do you need me for anything then shin goes well uhhh- actually no its okay. takane goes what no you arent let me help you with something COME ON

ive drawn this before. so yes i do (from here)

YA i totally think it's like this AT FIRST. takane is totally shamelessly clinging to shintaro and shintaro's like GET. OFF. MEEEE!!!!! and takane's in his room like carpet she's a fucking parasite roach infestation of 1.

like immediate post str i picture this bitch just sleeping over every single day stealing all his clothes and shintaro's like COME ON. i love how in the novels shintaro dresses in front of ene and no one gives a shit in fact ene is like YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME UR SUCH A MAN'S MAN like. when takane has her body back shintaro's like at least get out WHILE I GET DRESSED!! and takane's totally unbothered like whaaaa im not even looking and u never seemed to care to dress in front of me as ene whatever dude. shintaro seething. he's like this sucks she's right ive been getting dressed in front of her the whole time. also takane changes his nasty bed sheets bc she also sleeps in his bed. literally existing symbiotically. srry they're so close and have no privacy i need u to understand.

shintaro acts incredibly grumpy about it and is actively kicking her out daily but takane never seems to get mad at all and if anything she's just pathetically begging him to stayyyy pleaseeeeee u must need me for SOMETHINGGGGGG and shintaro. while yes he is like NO GET OUT also come on. he's so weak if someone especially someone girl coded flutters their eyelashes at him he immediately just goes YEAH ALRIGHT...haruka ayano or takane can all just flutter their eyelashes and shintaro will do anything they say its hilarious.

we've seen ene do this and while shintaro manages to stay strong i think post str he's very weak to takane because he's so guilty over route xxx so sometimes he just gives her whatever she wants out of guilt. like retaining is shintaro's big demise if it wasn't for it maybe he would've been able to just set his foot down and force takane to grow out of her unhealthy attachment.

but noooo... he starts enabling/reciprocating her behavior LOL!!!! like it's indeed takane the one to start the dynamic. she's always been the most attached of the 2. but shintaro is so guilty over the bad route and realises she's always been here even in all other routes. by just saying ugh yes whatever at everything she says he is accidentally becoming part of the unhealthy attachment. i think at first while he WAS attached it wasn't to the point takane drives it. and since she was shameless and pathetic abt it like not hiding it at all that's why he's unconscious it goes both ways bc he's like well ive been acting all grumpy abt it obviously its not me its her!!! but he doesn't realise that as time went on he started liking the dynamic bc its comfy LOL and takane is good company and they love each other ok. hold me im gonna pass out.

this is so early on post str. while takane still struggles with stopping resorting to opening eyes whenever anything gets uncomfortable and while shintaro is still sort of processing all timelines and how he feels about them and stuff. u know me i love flipping dynamics thats why eventually its shintaro following takane while she's like ermmm erm ermmm bc she's been healing while shintaro's been going downhill.

ALSO i think shintaro's mom "knew" of ene. like SHE DOESNT but shintaro was constantly talking to himself in his room so she asks if he's calling with anyone?? shintaro's like ERM...ERMM... YEAH... ITS AN ONLINE FRIEND.... so shintaro's mom is like omg this is THAT friend who was with him while he was all depressed in his room!!! so ratio + shintaro's mom loves takane and since she's always staying over keeps asking if they're dating and is very confused that they say no and neither is EVER flustered they're just like no we aren't 😐 also if shinaya are dating and kisaragi mom knows she probably talks to shintaro like Hey isnt this weird u have a gf and u seem to spend most of ur time with someone else. and shintaro's like UGHHHHH STOPPP ANNOYING MEEE!!! and like momo, kisaragi mom is also sorta scared of approaching shintaro in fear of scaring him away now that he's out and about. so she's like erm okay (still watches from afar)

sorry for going crazy abt shintaro & takane again. they drive me so crazies. they love each other ur honor and its so fucked up

[fish-at-fish-fish-resort]

holds out hands . may i hear your oc lore

since this is a sequel to this unanswered ask from my main

ill give you my agents (and 2 related ocs) bc giving you all the ocs in one post will be really hard i have SO MANY. too many. ANYWAY sillies under cut!!!

lets start with 3 because thats where the timeline starts

heres a p old timeline drawing thingy that still holds up i think

yeah just read through it. holds up. three is mostly the target of self projection lmao.

smore fun facts ab them:

they were team callie in the s1 final fest

they are wildly competitive

they sleep with an eyemask on bc the scrred eye glows in the dark (it bothers eight)

they value abilities over looks on gear so most their outfits are atrocious unless someone forces them to look good.

they can speak octarian

if they had a penny for every time they let an octarian who just got to inkopilis live with them theyd have two pennies. which isnt a lot but its weird it happened twice right?

which brings us to the next one which is actually an octoling oc i made back in like 2016??? def splatoon 1 era. shes been redesigned a bajillion times but the story is mostly the same. after the octavio fight she is also one of those octos who tried to get to inkopolis. this one was found by three who was like. i jave no idea what ur saying ur coming with the the old man totes knows octarian from his divorce. this n that and they teach eachother language and culture and its sweet and cool and they probabyl had some wlw stuff going on until 3 had a wholeass gender crisis

this is her btw. the drawing on the right is more up to date. im still thinking of renaming her. ill never find a name that fits. her original name was marianna but thats too close to marina!!!!!

shes also a fashion designer! she likes to use traditional octarian or military designs in her clothes. her pieces are not meant for turf wars though. shes still in close contact with three, and they hang out a lot. she wants to get three to ask the squid sisters if they could wear some of her clothes on a splatfest. three forgets.

next up!!!!! agent 4. i have two of those. they independently became agent 4 and then unrelatedly also became college roommates.

hash is more of a canon adjacent agent 4. poser, loser, really dramatic and really loud. kidna does whatever they want and also likes to leave graffitti on the kettles they clear. theyre also an only child. they also call marie mom jsut to annoy her. also their hairstyle is the bob in the front but the back is spiky/shaved. theyre a silly lil punk.

ikarus is a cynical asshole. and also a self centered poser whos set on looking cool for whoevers watching. he has 2 younger siblings and 1 older sister. hes from outside greater inkopolis, thinks hes better than the in city inkopolitans but behaves the exact same. he sucks i love him. he really looks up to n respects marie bc she reminds him of his elder sister. his fav brand is toni kensa

ikarus got the agent job first, n got rlly mad when they found out that theres another agent 4 bc he didnt show up enough nd marie just hired someone else. they share a uniform. they try to annoy eachother by puttinf the weirdest smelling stuff in the uniform b4 leaving it at the canyon. when talking ab em as agent 4 i like to use #4 for hash and n°4 for ikarus

the two also have a 3rd roommate

she doesnt have a name though. and if she does i forgot it :(

the three actually make a pretty good unit in their apartement. hash and ikarus only find out theyre both agent 4 when its time for the boss fight and both of them show up to get it done with. theyre both very competitive. they end up fighting over it and hash wins. ikarus is on the truck w sheldon and marie and is yelling insults at the battlefield until marie shuts him up so she can sing.

thw three roommates also always do salmon run shifts together. if they fuck up on a wave they always blame it on the one freelancer. yes they also kiss.

for eight i actually made this ref here recently!

theyve always been really fascinated with inklings and also were going to become an engineer before running off and landing in the metro.

they are very well spoken but also pretty shy. they try to make a good impression on people. finds it hard to trust others.

it took a while until he got used to sleeping in a bed. still sleeps with an eye open sometimes. its a habit.

theyre usualyl the one forcing three into at least okay looking clothes. oh also this tall loser likes to wear heels n platforms. hes literally taller than marina and still wears heels.

he actually started learning inklish back in octo valley from really outdated books. after coming to inkopolis hes been given a buncha annotated language books from marina (and from three, who still had the ones they used w the other octo girlie). but they still end up using some really old phrases and words that kinda leave some people perplexed.

oh also they're not THAT good at fighting (they were never a soldier) theyre smart and persistent though. still ended up severely in debt w pearl bc of the metro. pearl offered he can just work as stage crew for off the hook for a few tours or so and theyre good. he took the offer immediately bc bro barely got income to repay that all normally.

[trickstarbrave]

what do you mean by ""reylo dynamic""??

okay. first thing to understand is when i say "reylo dynamic" in a ship or pairing or style of writing romance it isnt unique to reylo. a lot of popular fandoms have some variation of "the reylo dynamic" its just reylo has popularized and kind of mass marketed what used to be a niche fandom ship dynamic so its what i call it as shorthand

The Reylo Dynamic™ usually has specific traits (note: it does not need to have all of these, just a significant amount). canon characterization does not matter either, all it comes down to is the fandom portrayal of the ship by and large (think dramoine and kacchako). the only hardline one is this:

>spunky female character (usually protag of the story) who is at least a little combative with the male lead, and a male lead who is otherwise grumpy/brooding/mysterious

for the common traits:

>female lead is usually brown haired, shorter, with emphasis on being petite and small. idk why even reylo stories they do this even tho daisy ridley isnt that short???

>male lead is usually dark haired and typically described as "unconventionally attractive" exactly

>female lead usually has to prove herself or feels like she has to prove herself. like. as a big thing. it can be one big moment or her constantly feeling like shes being condescended to for some perceived weakness (like: being a woman, being small, not knowing how to control magic powers, whatever). important thing to note is she will often not get over this until like the very end of the story if ever

>usually bc this dynamic can be hard to accommodate for and write around (bc the two romantic leads DONT WANT TO BE AROUND EACH OTHER) there is usually some kind of plot contrivance keeping them together. fated lovers, soul mates, class project, you name it. i feel this is usually a cop out bc i spend most of the plots feeling like they should just fuck and get it over with

>there is almost always miscommunication. and the annoying kind. every time i have tried to suffer thru a story with The Reylo Dynamic™ in novel format i find myself annoyed. bc i dont believe most of the time this is a real, normal, very human break down of communication. i constantly feel like one of them is being an unreasonable or frankly stupid brat in the situation purely for the sake of plot convenience. do you know how dumb it is to see a woman who has lost her job, her only friend, her boyfriend, and her mom get told by some hot guy "hey due to circumstances outside of ur control that i dont blame u for we have to get married also im rich and will take care of ur every need and im not asking for romance i just need magic powers back of mine that u technically have and if u dont marry me they'll also go out of control and kill you" and the woman. is mad and pissy abt it and deliberately makes problems for him. bitch u were at rock bottom and this guy is offering u free rent and food and answers to all the questions you had since chapter 1. and ur mad abt it. theres no moral objections she has to him she's just annoyed bc????????????? i guess she is being asked to do something????????? bc she doesnt wanna look weak?????????? bc shes cranky??????????????? i dont know. id cut her some slack to start with but she just keeps deliberately antagonizing him until they fuck. i gave up reading it was a slog

>lots of bickering and jabs at the other. depending on the rating of the story this will only be resolved with hatefucking. even then it usually wont fully be resolved. while i am a fan of hatefucking there is smth abt how much of a slog it is to watch it in the reylo dynamic bc of the next point:

>usually the author never commits to them having a real, genuine, non-imagined reason to being combative with each other or hating each other, NOR having a real, genuine, non-imagined reason to be together and make it work and be happy. they live in this limbo between dislike. a constant "will they wont they" but instead of the will they or wont they in question being hooking up its instead if they will break up or not. it's like watching a very incompatible couple refuse to work things out by talking and sorting through their own issues AND refusing to just break up and see other ppl more compatible. id rather there be genuine dislike or even hatred they have to sort thru and actually make progress in. dont half ass making a guy horrible. give me a reason why the mc hates him. or if it is imagined by the mc, show the mc processing it properly and working thru it and having proper character growth. but they dont bc the bickering is part of the appeal and making one or both of them genuinely bad ppl breaks the fantasy. or smth.

[bisolationist]

Wtf wtf im soooo mad. Why are women blaming me for having a female abuser do they fucking think i got to pick the sex of that fucking bitch. The first fucking thing that comes out of their mouth is "well maybe she's...." followed by a buttload of excuses. Maybe she's had a bad childhood, maybe because she's under pressure because we live in misginsytic society and your dad doesn't help her. Maybe because this because that what the actual fuck.

I've seen these women treat "normal" abuse survivors with the utmost grace and kindness but because my experience was different I don't get to be affected by my personal experiences.

If I express discomfort at having to visit a female gyno, being alone with a woman, being scared of women and all that im a whiny asshole who doesn't understand what real abuse is and it doesn't even matter anyway because men are worse just get over it already.

Why the fuck won't they let me by traumatized peacefully why are they punishing me for my abuse. The day I told my best fucking friend how I felt uncomfortable when the first girl I've ever been intimate with wouldn't stop when I told her to she said well she would never do that, I felt my heart break into million pieces.

Idk what other women want from me do you want me to apologize because the people who took advantage me were both women is that waht you want. Why the fuck is it surprising for you that a person who was abused/sexually assaulted or whatver by a woman might not be comfortable around women.

Why couldn't you have been nice to me. I didn't even ask you to fight for me or fight for victims of female abuse/SA. All I expected was inaction. I expected you to not belittle my pain I expected you to not find excuses for them i expected you to not react poorly because I fucking know you know how to react towards victims of abuse. Why couldn't you have extended that sympathy to me ?? Why does all your sympathy go towards understanding why my mom abused me

I've never done anything bad to you why would you do this to me?? What did I do to deserve this from you ?. You talk all day about female/class solidarity whatever you wanna call it but yeah

I'm sorry if it feels like I'm alshing out at you. Im not <3 you're a really nice guy. It's just that I feel like other women's kindess/support etc is extremely conditional and men would use what happened to me as an excuse to be misogynistic assholes.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this anon. I understand the frustration so much, especially at the fact that people are always trying to make excuses. I've definitely had that with my mother. I'm actually very cognizant of the ways misogyny has impacted her life; it doesn't mean her abuse was in any way mitigated or justified and bringing it up as an excuse is completely fucked up. I can't even imagine someone trying to go down that line with my rapist; I would lose it. That's part of why I never ever talk about it IRL. You're not wrong for dealing with your trauma in your own way. Nor are you wrong for wishing you could have a little compassion and understanding from people that claim to be on the side of victims. The only thing I want to say is that, I would be careful of implying victims of male abusers are generally treated well. They also get awful treatment from women and men alike. I know you were complaining about individuals, but since you are an anon I want to clarify so it doesn't get generalized. Sorry just thought it was worth mentioning.

[forestryfae]

but yeah. basically ive been sleeping during the day a lot and it sucks. works not going as good as i wish it did. balancing work and homelife isnt easy, and homelife is lacking.

i have an important letter i need to send, gotta call teh dentist, im supposed to be taking meds for rosascea but im not allowed to keep the meds in my room and noone is helping me remember the medication (which is stupid as fuck cus when im late to work once or twice theyre IMMEDIATELY on my ass asking if i need someone to come wake me up. hello??) i also have to call whoever gave me my drivers license for practicing or else i might have to take the whole course again.

i also have to go home for 3 weeks and im not looking forward to that. and i need to go spend christmas with mom which like. free food ig. family will need christmas presents but like im broke and i just dont see why. they fucking suck. why am i wasting money on people who care so little about me that they treat me like absolute dogshit. no basic respect or common decendy, talking down to me and treating me like shit all the time, literally anything that can be criticized will be critizied, no respect for boundaries and throwing fucking temper tantrums if i get mad that they trampled over them, just doing whatever the fuck they want and expecting me to be okay with it. nothing is ever good enough but if you dont try youre a lazy brat with no willpower. mental illness exists but its never the root of the problem, its always you. also everyone around them are mindreaders and if you didnt predict what they wanted youre an asshole and you lack common sense.

and i have to spend the next three weeks dealing with this shit with no chance of escape cus they can just show up with no warning at my house. she doesnt care if i was asleep or busy, that just gives her an excuse to be bitchy about it. the world revolves around noone and dont think youre something special except for if youre her. fucking bitch.

but yeah ill be spending 3 weeks mostly trying not to go insane. i need to clean the kitchen, bathroom, hallway and bedroom. i need to go through all the stuff in the kitchen so i dont have a million things i never even touch in there, plus i gotta actually cook every day and i have to go shopping atleats once a week, which wont be easy. the bedroom is a emss so i really want to clear out as much of it as possible, especially w the writing desk i have. its enormous and swallows up the whole room, and i have just a bunch of stuff and garbage lying around that i dont know what to do with.

then theres the bathroom, which is easy enough, but the cats been pissing on some of my clothes on the floor in there since noone in my family understands the concept of closing doors and not letting the cats play in insulation. like the doors dont. magically open by themselves. they were left open. theres also a fuckton of laundry and cleaning off the dryingracks since moms been fucking with those again, and she absolutely has been messing up my sorting. i went through my clothes and decided on what i want to keep and what not and now i 100% guaranteed have to go through that stuff again.

and like. i also have to look at what i have and what i dont have. cus i got some plastic boxes that i was gonna put stuff i wnated to keep in and i never got around to it so i have to just hope i can find it in me to bother going through verything in the house and packing what i actually want i really want to ask the people at the thriftshop i work at if they want like 4 or 5 boxes, if not more when im done, of just garbage. but at the same time, i KNOW theyll clean everything before selling it but i dont want to touch any of it and i dont want it anywhere near me. im so tired of cleaning and bad vibes. im so tired of stuff just not working out.

also. have been considering moving my bedroom to the livingroom. like it just seems easier but at the same time i dont want people in there or people going through my shit when im not at home. idk. its more like a bandaid in an attempt to deal with a broken leg that isnt healing cus its not in acast or getting medical attention.

[forsakenmissives]

just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

[john-barkston]

Me venting about life:

you know i don't consider myself queer even tho I am Aro / Ace and can find either gender attractive. I have short "boy" hair because I think it finally makes me look like /me/. I am comfortable in my body. I don't believe in marriage or having kids. I don't believe in god. I think religion (yes all of them) is a poison. It took me until my late 20s to realize this about myself. And ever since I've never felt like I couldn't be this person except I am heavily reminded every time I talk to my mom, that she wouldn't like who I am....or at least who I am would devastate her to the point of physical heartbreak.

There's a loooot of family drama going on in the background right now and long story short, im the only person my mom feels comfortable unloading to. which is fine. my dad is dead. her parents are dead. her siblings are insane so not a lot of options, oh, problem, shes also mega christian and she still thinks (or at least hasn't told me otherwise) I am also some what christian. She weeps to me, tells me she doesn't think she can go on like this, how she is hurt by my brother's actions. And I get it. It sucks. It seems like her own son doesn't want to be around her / wants to keep the grand kids from her. There's a lot to unpack about his marriage but we won't go into that either. but I can only offer her an ear. I cannot give advice. The advice I would give would be too harsh, or in the case of GO TO A FUCKING THERAPIST, too secular or something. She never really believed in therapy even though she desperately needs one. (There is A LOT more to this i am not sharing but i promise i am not trying to make this about myself lol even tho it ends up about me T v T ah)

anyway......drama aside She continues the conversation and makes a silly little comment about a conversation she had with my childhood bestfriend's mom about why neither of us are married. (its a joke about how we were scarred for life from a heinous and impromptu "sex ed" bible study thing at an event we went to. We were in 6th grade and they had the whole "you're gonna die and go to hell and get stds and here's some nasty pictures on a fucking projection screen." She tells me how mad I was about it, and how it upset my friend so much. And how they can laugh about it now but obviously it was upsetting and uncalled for. -the did not know it was happening btw. gotta love church events just doing whatever they want in the name of god) This may be a joke, but I know she thinks something wrong must have happened for me to not be married and have kids. She blames her bad relationship with my dad. She blames silly things like this. She blames ....well idk what else, but she's never stopped to consider I don't want that life, because hmmm I just don't!

ugh anyway I lost my steam....point is, I can never be true to my mom. She is way too emotionally unstable for me to come out with it. I want to. I want to be me. I see my friends getting to be themselves around their parents, talking about queer shit, just being human, but i'm always keeping my mouth shut or dodging conversations with my mom, and of course I will always be there for her because I love her but, man, it's rough. I am so sorry for everyone who has ever had to keep their true selves from their family. AND I DON"T EVEN HAVE IT BAD LOL. I am the most vanilla queer you can be.....but man even then....

thank you for coming to my ted talk. it is very lame that this tumblr post is my vent blog L O L but oh well. typing it out helped and publishing it makes it go out into the void and away from me so yeah.....= v = bye.

[sanchoyo]

arc v 66-80 thoughts! oh my God So Much Happens All The Time. we got to the fourth opening/ed already??? im halfway into the series I think and im shocked by the implications of the op/ed (that we'll seemingly be spending another full arc in synchro. not complaining I just thought this would be shorter, at this rate most of the series will be taking place in synchro wont it?? whats the synchro to standard episode ratio...)

-aaaah crows kids showed up to watch him duel and it had him worried for the majority of the duel. cute. (also I hope theyve been ok since hes been in jail/here at the friendship cup locked in a fucking room) im glad he won…

-….and concerned bc Crime Dad broke into yuyas room to tell him the losers (and also ppl who get taken from the prison) go to some kind of underground garbage plant to basically be WORKED TO DEATH. see when a few eps ago we learned some ppl get taken out of prison and never return I assumed they just were. shooting them to kill them out back like ole yeller bc of overpopulation. nope! cant decide if this is better or worse than that assumption… both are pretty bad…

-how tf is layra supposed to do a riding duel!! theyre so tiny! where will their emotional support stuffed animal sit! tf! im glad yuya and crimedad are treating this as awful as it is and are also pissed. what the FUCK and god layra RUNNING to yuya and clinging to him and yuya tearing into reiji saying 'if YOU wont protect layra /I/ will!' LIKE. LOVE THIS ENERGY YUYA. I feel like reiji is 100% withholding info about layra but still. kid is TERRIFIED and yuya had SO many valid points (layra still wanting to be with big bro reiji and trusting him auugh)

-reiji is a bit Too Calm abt all of this so I cant imagine this is his first time handling this kinda situation. and layra having a goddamn meltdown panic attack when reiji leaves and running after him BEGGING him not to leave and saying 'ill do whatever u want!! always!!!' I DONT LIKE THIS. NOT ONE BIT. at least reiji was like 'its okay. im proud and happy youre defying me bc it means ur developing a will of your own' and having ninjaguy fight in layras place…like. very many feelings abt this. I still can't fault reiji 100% either bc we Learn layra is from a 'war torn region in a certain country' I KNEWWW IT I KNEW LAYRA WAS ADOPTED the timeline with reijis dad going to academia didnt make sense for reiji to have a younger sibling. my original theory was xyz dimension but it didnt look like heartland in the little bit we could see. so just some random war-torn country…um. so they have ptsd. and reijis mom is like 'yeah hes got no will so he can be a useful asset to us!" throw the whole woman away. tf is wrong with u ppl. at least reiji is defying his mom on this and wanting layra to be happy… oh…reiji im so sorry sweetie both u and layra have such shit parents….maybe its actually for the best reiji took layra with him, i would not fucking trust his mom with this kid! reiji is just Cleaning up his Parents messes. actually that perfectly explains his Hyper Responsible personality. he prob never got to be a kid….IM SO SAD. AAUGH! ygo is nothing w/out family drama

-…yuya getting mad reiji sent ninjaguy in layras place but dude SOMEONE wouldve had to go if not him?? what do u want reiji to DO yuya hes working with what he can and hes prob 10 steps ahead anyway

-yooo shinji is fun actually, I feel like him and shun would get along great. both freedom fighters. shinji trying to start a RIOT with his duel. love that. (also just love ninjaguy too. i didnt love either enough to root for one or the other, im fine w/ whoever wins but shinji had a CAUSE yk)

-so reiji is fine w them being sent to the forced labor place. I mean. all of them but the top winner WILL be so ofc he had a plan to get them out of that. not at all surprised bc hes been THEE best at planning and staying cool as a cucumber. not even worried abt it if hes in charge. if reijis not worrying neither am I

-smile chojiro is a great character. i love his whole motto 'dont be ashamed of defeat, dont be complacent in victory' im also glad he didnt just throw the duel to keep yuzu from going to the forced labor camp (I mean…/i/ would have if I was fighting a 14 yr old girl kajhfkj gotta protecc the kids or whatever) but that wouldve cheapened her win. I KNEW she would win and im so proud of her. yuya tearing up when she used his catch phrase to let him know shes ok ;__; god that duel made me SO emotional theyre both great

-I knew serena would win fast against some rando named 'tony' with the blandest design ever. did not disappoint. but the other characters made comments like 'oh if I wasnt dueling today I coulve slept in'…theyre only doing like FOUR DUELS PER DAY IN THIS TOURNAMENT?? PEOPLE GO TO A STADIUM TO SEE (4) DUELS???! oh my god thats so ridiculous. how much is a ticket in???…how long have they been in synchro dimension??? like, they were in jail a While too werent they?? so like. a MONTH?? LONGER?? everyone is gonna be so behind on school when they get back. yes thats what im worried abt.

-yuya getting mad this is all unfair and yelling its wrong and the 'friendship cup' should be canceled bc the losers just get sent to the forced work facility (slave camp. yuya, just say it for what it is) is like..well whatre you gonna do abt it! we already had a lil speech abt how the 1% of this world are living it up and the 99% are in slums, having to clean up the MASSIVE waste the 1% cause and having to struggle to SURVIVE and your only NOW getting really pissed abt it? (also, too real) you HAVE a pocket demon we havent seen in like 30-40 episodes…bring it out and let it eat the rich people and the cops! whats the problem!

-OH MY GOD. jack atlas and reiji and layra hanging out having dinner together. i am going to lose my mind. HE THINKS YUZU HAD THE MOST PROMISE OUT OF ALL THE DAY ONE DUELISTS TOO!!!! BRO. JACK. JACK U ARE THE BESTEST EVER!!! SAME HAT!!!!!! also the fact no one else is Eating but layra has a full course is so funny jsdkj whyre they all just having tea? did they finish before them or…

-god damn jack is different…he seems more mature? he called the commons his origin and his pride and is super observant of layra and says he wishes he couldve seen them duel and. tbh thats cute and probably smth layra needed to hear (I am still FIrmly against letting this child on a motorcycle tho) jack. jack i love u

-god the card jack got inspired by was the one he gave to sam who was UNGRATEFUL FOR IT. i cant believe this. this jack is SO nice i love him so much

-tf why is the crowd cheering a cop on a bike and booing yuya. yuya im SO sorry for these dumbasses. /I/ am cheering for u. AND HES TELLING THE CROWD ABT THE LABOR CAMPS!!! HEY YUYA I LOVE YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH. im sorry the crowd is…Like That! theyre all CHEERING like 'HELL YA WE LOVE WHEN THE LOSERS GET SENT TO WORK CAMPS TO DIE!!' WHAT THE FUCK!!! jack is like 'dude they only care about WINNERS opinions' HAHA speaking from experience aren't u jack. hes kinda right tho. WIN and THEN make ur speech. its all about TIMING unfortunately

-hey the cop has a fusion card. WHERE did he get that? reiji says a rat is in and my first thought was dennis, but hes been locked in his room too, right? (and lets be real I dont see fucking DENNIS as a real threat. nor do I see a random literally characterless faceless cop as a threat, but its the implication a fusion person snuck in synchro and is sabotaging our Heroes)

-yuya's eyes lit up for like 0.2 second. I wish I could tell if that was yuto's influence or yuyas demon (?? I need a better name for it. but we havent SEEN it in like. 30-40 episodes LMAO let alone had any kind of explanation, so) I geeeeeet that sending ANYONE to the horrible forced labor camps is bad, but yuya. you gotta get to the top if you want ppl to listen. you cant single handedly do much, you are 14. 'bc of me he was sent underground' if it wasnt him itd be u. and its not like u took him there urself, chill yuya. we'll fix this stuff im SURE

-oh my god shingo v yugo is happening. I am SHAKING. the SILLYBOYS. I want them to interact MORE. I figured yugo would win (since im sure we'll get a yuya v yuto match based on the op…) but shingo put up a GOOD FIGHT and put on a good show and im proud

-…yuya seems to be able to directly tap into yugo's thoughts when their dragons are like resonating and seemed to be losing his sense of self. concerning? we havent really seen serena or yuzu do smth like this so im like. is it rly Just smth abt the yuya counterparts?? very unsettling scene. yuya has SOME level of influence too bc yugo said yuyas lil fun catchphrase (smth both yuzu and shingo caught…) …is that why yuya kinda absorbed yuto ?? bc hes like. the Alpha Counterpart or smth. ?? horror movie stuff!

-sergey is the scariest man ive ever seen. christ. he 'died' once before and can CONTROL MINDS?? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

-omg ninjaguy snuck into 'hell' to make sure everyone is ok. is THAT reijis plan? just rely on ur personal ninja to do everything? ok tbf if /i/ had a personal ninja Id Do The Same Damn Thing. im sure eventually hes gonna use him to get them out…the way I believe in them…

-theres a rumor roget is from another dimension so he def is. like working with leo? not at all surprised. hes def getting the duelists from hell from gallagar to send to fight in the fusion v xyz war is my assumption

-STOPPP LAYRA PLAYING JACKS WORDS IN THEIR MIND TO INSPIRE THEM AND APOLOGIZING TO NINJAGUY WAS SO CUTE.

-yuyas letter to yuzu was also Cute

-god why does shun keep having to duel Secretly Fusion ppl this sucks for him LMAO. not that I think Fucking Dennis can beat shun but STILL. at least shun is like 'no hes def bullshitting' like hes a smart cookie.

-…what the hell are they going to do if dennis DOES show his true colors btw? theyre all kinda stranded in another dimension rn. are they just gonna let him go to the underground plant and not get him out too?? jkhfksdf omg I CANNOT see reiji doing that. i feel like dennis is enough of a weenie we can bully him into switching sides. the tension between shun and dennis tho…preddy thick. pretty spicy

-Oh! hes got ancient gear cards! didnt the prof from gx use those? that tracks. fun callback

-reiji not even PHASED by dennis being academia hes like. and? and bitch? you got smth to say? to the council. LMAO I LOVE him no bullshit with him ever

-oh HELL no dennis was the one who STARTED THE ATTACK ON HEARTLAND (that he calls the hunting game) BECAUSE HE FOUND RURI??? 'i wanted to keep doing street shows' WELL YOU SHOULDVE.

-omg ruri's design is SO cute. shes got feather motifs! does she also have a birdy deck like her bro! thats cute! I hope so!

-SORA IS HERE??? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE??? HIIII WELCOME BACK !!!!! BEST SURPRISE

-dennis being like 'now that ive cast aside being an entertainer, even the action cards have forsaken me?!" no…no bud its prob bc YOU caused debris all over the field. so still kinda your own damn fault which is funny to watch

-SHUN SNIPED DENNIS FROM SPACE. BEST FINISH TO A DUEL EVER. EVER EVER EVER XYZ REPRESENT YES SHUN YES!!!!! he was aggressively trying to turn him into a card and when that didnt work (reiji modified his duel disk lmao) HE TRIED PUNCHING HIM AND GOT PULLED AWAY. WAS HE GOING TO BEAT HIM TO DEATH THE OLD FASHIONED WAY??? SHUN. PLEASE. i love u.

-waaait is 76 just a recap ep. booooooo ive been binging these i dont NEED a recap. I JUST watched them all in a row like a maniac. im watching this ep on 2x speed to make it go Faster. smh. I do kind of appreciate a streamlined explanation of why the council ppl kept roget around even knowing hes a snake but Still.

-oh, its also interesting yuris job seems to be taking the yuzu-counterparts? do him and serena know each other? i dont THINK weve seen them interact but idk! since all of the yuzus and yuyas seem to be friends its just interesting hed be chosen for that job

-ok only the first half or so was a recap? cool. slowin it back to normal then...

-…what the fuck is kings gambit. he put MIND CONTROL CHIPS IN ALL THE COPS BRAINS? HOW? Roget is going against academia for his own purposes. reiji immediately calls him out on his bullshit invitation to help. fucking love you reiji

-sora got dennis hahah. how do sora and dennis not Know each other. it was weirdly nice of sora to help dennis and sora is like. Determined to get serena and yuzu. but. We Will See about that. I feel like serena is just gonna pummel him into a pancake and yuzu will give him a smack with her fan and a tight hug and he will break down like a little nervous chihuahua. this is my prediction.

-new op and ed this ep too btw! LOVEEE the new op, prob my 2nd fav next to the first one. really good soft metal sound. new ed is also REALLY GOOD. awww all the girls together!! and even. sora and jack next to each other. god last ed was my fav but this one is FIGHTING it I cant pick which I like better LMAO theyre REALLy good. interesting imagery too. MAYBE im reading too much into it but jack and sora are both on the outskirts of the grass…are they going to interact? and sora is sorta balled into himself and turned away from everyone else, but he very much still IS with them in the grass. makes u think….

-also the ed has yuri in it and ruri and rin finally. theyre also hanging out and being cute. when will yuri and the girls join the gang. we can all be friends :3 even if ur a lil squirrely evil guy its ok!

-…also shingo blushing and looking at serena. WHAT. have we gotten any inkling of a crush on her from him?? we havent right??? like HUH? she does punch him in her sleep which is so funny KJHADKJF but like. theyd be the funniest couple ever im wheezing

-yeah ok this is my favorite ed so far. its so goddamn cute theyre all just RELAXING TOGETHER BEING ADORABLE. sleeping baby layra and reiji sleeping in his glasses like a nerd sold me.

-I'm around the halfway point of the series I think! thats fun! …none of my big questions have been answered in any substantial way yet hahah. I'm hoping the next arc..we get to see yuri more finally (and for yuto to make a comeback, which. obv he must before the series ends…) and also I want to see ruri and rin more!!! and more lancer interactions in general I want them to hang out and be buds…I know the whole plot is stopping an inter-dimensional war which does fuck severely but I just. dunno. some slice of life eps would be nice after this arc…everything has been go go go fast heavy for a while and i need. a breather (that isnt a recap..)

-something I realized about Character designs (im in the middle of doing fanart while watching haha) Yuya's dad is dressed like a ringleader. yuya is clown-coded (aka part of the ringleaders circus). yuyas dad disappeared. so…would it be insane to assume he might be Behind stuff, like a plot twist villain? I know hes at least INVOLVED SOMEHOW (he gave yuya his pendulum necklace too didnt he…much to think abt) ….hm…. also! fun thing I didnt notice until now is yuya is color matched with his odd eyes isnt he? both are red/green? thats so fun

-yuzu v sergey was a big pile of bullshit. she didnt deserve to lose the first match of the 2nd round. I saw it coming and it still pissed me off. i wanted her to WIN, or at least get to the finals! generally just really annoyed over it. fuck you sergey and fuck you to the ppl who wrote it like that

-yuya v shinji (who I cant help but think of as a k-mart generic brand yusei from the neurotypical section instead of my Beloved Brand Name Yusei from the Autism section) was Tough. yuya is trying to fight for an interdimensional war (…his goal of making everyone smile pushed aside for the moment…which is like. fair. rn dueling is a tool of WAR or REVOLUTION we cant do those with smiles usually…) but shinji is trying to start a revolution against the upper class…neither of them are WRONG and it sucks but yuya as the main character Couldnt Lose. And the stunt Roget pulled after sucked for everyone :< ...cant believe crow actually believed it tho god. I know its for plot reasons but imo hes smarter than that..

-I will say im SO glad sora is back. omg hiii sora :D he 1. saved yuzu 2. WENT TO MAKE SURE YUYA KNEW YUZU WAS OK??? so fucking good Im so Glad. (also bonus points to ME for calling this happening. sora NEVER had any ill will towards the two of them, i KNEW he was attached to them) hes gonna join up soon isnt he :3c i KNEW it. <- pleased I called this (tbf I thought itd happen way later but who knows if its actually happening now or if yuyas just planting seeds of doubt in his brain. sora already is calling academia a hell so. he just needs a gentle lil shove in the right direction...also I want to see him and shun make up an be buds. that might be asking too much tho...shun doesnt owe him forgiveness but...it would b CUTE)

-then him and yuya just sit and talk about it…sora admits theyre his first real friends I AM LIVING RN. BEST BEST TROPE EVER. HE HAD SUCH A HARD LIFE TOO FUCK U ACADEMIA. he SCOURED academia and even checked standard to find yuzu…so sweet… his big plan was to let yuya let him take serena back home instead of yuzu and thats like. even IF yuya was that heartless (which hes obv not…) and they did that, its a band-aid solution bc dennis will prob report yuzu… ergh.

-yuya said he TRUSTS SORA TO KEEP YUZU SAFE. IF HE CANT HES GONNA FEEL LIKE SHIT. HES /GOTTA/ SWITCH SIDES NOW JKDHAKFJ

-they then hype yuri up more like 'ohhh its only a matter of time before they send him!' PROMISE, ROGET?? I WANT TO SEE MORE OF HIM. ITS LIKE. EPISODE 80 AS I TYPE THIS….I THINK WE'VE GOTTEN LIKE. 1-2 MINUTES OF SCREENTIME FOR HIM EVER.

-BY THE WAY. sora is a goddamn parkour master, jumping around on buildings and stuff my god. I know he was trained and stuff by academia whcih we saw a bit of in a flashback montage…but its lichrally insane. anime parkour

-oh my god crow v shun is next. why do birds have to fight….. sad! my prediction is crow wins just bc shun doesnt have any real personal stakes rn...I mean sure the lancers are trying to prove their might or w/e but on a personal level shun has no beef w crow or synchro yk. whereas for crow hes got beef w jack (and now yuya possibly due to the shit roget did lol) so. obv feels like crow will win for meta reasons. same w/ whoever serena ends up dueling later, but we'll see!

anyway. look at them. :)

[amadeoderomanus2]

i need to move out as soon as possible i cant keep doing this

after my mom having her 3rd complete breakdown in a row over problems that dont actually exist so i try to get her to not fucking kill herself and she calms down somewhat finally after a few hours

i go grocery shopping and get some things forget a few things cause im stressed out and exhausted but i buy 1 thing just for me so i can have food at work for 4 dollars but shes mad at me because my little brother who i never even interact with is allergic to it like why should i give a damn? you can have whatever you want with nuts in it but i cant have something completely sealed and packaged with shrimp ?? sorry but i already am always the one that makes sacrifices with food whenever we are broke so im sorry but i just dont care all i wanted was something i could just throw in my bag and make at work

im always the one going hungry and skipping out but im always the one that gets the most shit she treats my little brother like hes some golden angel we should all worship then its me who is good as long as i behave and make myself small and then theres my older brother who is never good enough im gonna just try to cut myself tonight though all of this has been making me think about suicide again

[theuniverseawakens347]

polarity vs duality — straight to it ppl whom never met me.. lees trying to use her victim self ON SOMEONE ELSE TWITTER ACCOUNT to say I’m the evil one for telling her pedo ring military abuse truths … TO MY TEACHERS THEYVE ALREADY TURNED LEE IN THIS AINT NEW TO THEM … THE GIRLS I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH STUDENTS PARENTS KNOW LEE TRUE INTENTIONS THEY GOT PLAYED BY HER BACK IN THE DAY AND THE KIDS LEARNED THE HARD WAYBIVE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD FRIEND TO EM… THEY JUST DIDNT KNOW I WAS GOD ..THAT PART IS TESTING UR SOUL FOR A REASON. FOR ME N MY RIGHTFUL DISCIPLES TO KNOW .

polarity… me nip and Tracy…. We circulate energy but IM THE MAIN DRIVING FORCE YIN N YANG.. Chris and Trevor .. Obama and Trevor Noah.. a triad IF UR MY SPECIAL FIGHTERS … HOWARD RONALD AND JOHN GARLINGTON THEN ME N HOWARD …HES AN OLD SKIN SUIT OF NIP FROM A DIFFERENT DIMENSION .. HE APPEARS HUMAN BEING BUT OF DIFFERENT ENTITY… MEN N BLACK TYPE SHIT ..

duality : good from bad… straight to it ya know right from wrong ya just don’t want to tell ya fans the truth “ when ur idol turns out to be a piece of shit” Elmo shrug.. ya made ya beds.. here’s the lay.. DDG bar.. you don’t want ppl to know ur a murder yara WILLINGLY ya like character Zoe from grownish soooooo much n blackish SPOKE HARD LIFE TRUTHS U NOT LEARN SO IT SLAPPING U IN THE FACE AGAIN… or you don’t want ur fans to know your fucking men shaking ass cause ya got your peen peen chopped off and no longer have to fuck n butt.. now you get to set up WHATEVER standard for rape culture on women.. ya mad at ya moms for giving you identity crisises now ya wan return the poison.. ur a shit person..

OR YA GENUINELY LOST N STRESSED AND WANT TO ,AKE IT OUT YA SHIT LIFE.. WE TALK FACE TO FACE YA ASKING TOO MUCH OVER THE INTERNET BARRIER AND YA KNOW THIS ASSHOLES MISUSING ME… ANOTHER SIGN OF UR NOT CHILDREN OF GOD .. BC YOU NO FEACH OUT TO ME PERSONALLY AND PAY ME FOR MY KNOWLEDGE TO HEAL YOU ASS HOLE JESS HILARIOUS… IDC YOU A AMBER ROSE .. TAKE ADVANTAGE DO THE BARE MINIMUM I NO BELIEVE LEMME TOUCH THE BUTT. DICK WADS. I say ya truth you go harass Lee.. ASSHOLE NO. THEN WAN KNOW IF I KNOW.. YES .. AND I NEVER TOLD YOU TO DO THAT. I POSTED NUMBERS IN THE BEGINNING SO YAL CUD SEE INLIVE W YA ABUSER FOR 30 yrs LEE GARLINGTON AND NICKI MUHAMMAD… HOWARD 2021-2023 ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW TO ,AKE RIGHT WITH MY TEAM AND YOU CONTINUED TO DO EVIL SHIT CAUSE YA LACK PARENTING ON UR EMOTION… SO NOW YA GET MY VERBAL VENOM BEFORE MY BRIGHT POLICE DO THE PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT.

[3dayweeknd]

here is a vent tw for weight and body image

ok i know parents lecture u and stuff no matter what and theyre gonna be annoying or whatever but why does my mom have to corner me to do it like she only does it in a situation in which i have no escape and in which i have to bear a weird silence after because i literally cannot escape. it's either gonna be in the car or right before i shower so im either having to sit in silence through the entire car ride and trip to the store after or i have to shower in a weird silence since im stuck in the fucking shower while she's brushing her teeth or something. why does it always have to be like that like why cant u just say ur part and leave me alone. in the car today she gave me unsolicited advice in which was useless she said to prioritize my academics. like duh what the fuck. she was like it doesn't seem like you're taking it seriously well ok then I guess me looking for tutors and staying up late to do work means nothing then. and then she told me to fucking smile. yeah i lectured u and made u feel bad now u better fucking smile like what the fuck. who does that. like she can never just say what she wants to say and then leave me alone she always has to be like "STOP POUTING" "JUST SMILE" like what the fuck. if you know it's going to upset me you should just don't say it or say it and let me be upset. it just makes me so mad like why can't you just don't say things that literally have no point or if u do then just leave me alone after like why do you have to make me endure you after it. have u ever heard of when people are upset they need time to calm down. like i'm still mad from this one time she was like "i have advice maybe try not to gain weight so u don't have to keep buying new clothes when u change size" like DUH WHAT THE FUCK. i'm still not over it cuz she said it right after i vented to her about how sad I was about gaining weight and my clothes fitting wrong. like do you think i didn't fucking think of that. like how is that a piece of useful advice at all. and then she was all like 'why are u upset!!!" and i was like literalyl what was the point of saying that and she was like "I was just saying!!!" like ok have you ever thought that maybe if you know something is going to upset me and if there is no other purpose of saying something other than just to say it oh idk. maybe just don't fucking say it. like this is how it goes every time she tries to give me a talk like its always some useless shit and then she tries to talk me out of being upset and then she corners me so i cant leave. and i give up trying to talk to her about it because she makes me feel bad for feeling however i feel. i just want to be left alone

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

honestly dreading my birthday cuz how are they gonna fuck it up for me this year?

i dont think ive had a single birthday i didnt cry on. they use it as like an excuse to go do things which sure! if we wanna go do things thats fine, but.. they dont even let me pick where we go, this year is one of the only times ive been like. i said hey maybe we could go here sometime and we're actually going. i hope its okay, im not excited cuz my moms bringing her husband and they. should be divorced already but whatever i just?

my birthday last year fucking sucked. they took me out to like. minigolf which was alright! i do like minigolf and not to brag but i was pretty good at it... but there were too many people, it made me really anxious and then the one time i tried to like. snap myself out of it and try n enjoy my time, i made a joke to my sibling (like a clear joke too i just said i was gonna kill em, i say shit like that all the time and they do as well) and they decided for the first time ever to take it seriously and get mad at me for it so it ruined my mood and i was just waiting to leave

i think the worst part? we went to panera bread cuz i like the breadbowls, and. look, there have been very few times in my life where i dissociate so hard im seeing myself from above but.. being surrounded by family in that building and having not a single one near me or talking to me? having them all talk to eachother and leaving me alone there in the middle? it hurt, it hurt a lot. it made me realize they dont actually care about me, this is their birthday basically. everyones birthday but mine

i wrote myself a little like. bday fic with kelvin before my bday last year but. after the actual day i abandoned it completely, the whole thing was ruined for me. it sucked

we're going to the aquarium for my birthday, so hopefully ill have a good time. im scared though, itll be ruined for me im sure. my mom will call my dom, but she'll misgender me, my grandma will deadname me blatantly, etc. i. i wish i could take myself out on my birthday instead, maybe.. i wish i could spend it with my friends. anytime ive gone out with my friends, ive had the best day ever. im never deadnamed, never misgendered cuz i act totally different, im 10x more confident and i carry myself with certainty, people recognize me as a man from BEHIND, even if my face is covered they recognize it (which is something thats important to me, ive always been afraid my eyes are like. too feminine or something)

my family wouldnt like that, but. i deserve to be happy on my birthday, right? i dont even CARE about it that much, like genuinely thats how it is i dont give a shit about the day i was born cuz its never been fun for me. i want to experience it just one time, one time with my friends instead? i dont care what we do, we can do whatever THEY want genuinely, just like we always do. id have such a great time no matter what

it just sucks, im bracing for it. i hope they bring my niece and focus on her the whole entire time like i GENUINELY would prefer that so much, like omg yes look at the 5 year old having her first aquarium trip yippiee!!! and ill go fuck off and enjoy the fish somewhere else

[alternateanonymous]

5:16 am

Hey yall, nothing new. Me and stefan had a little dispute but it wasn't crazy. It was just something out of nothing so lol, nothing new. I played valorant and ow on pc which was crazy. Stefan said he was gonna call me but went to sleep and didn't even say goodnight. Kinda sad about that not gonna lie. Had a good night regarless, decided to not go bnack to amherst yet because I have an appointment for my skin on wednesday and it wouldn't really make sense for me to go all the way to amherst then come back the next day so well see. just had a big snow storm too, so that's cool. also, im getting alot better at typing on this thing, honestly it took a minute but we are here and making it all fluid and shit, I love it lol. Also, praise petar he is a real g because he helped me figure out my shit which was nice. also, ugh being president is hard lolll. Ugh. also, idk discord is cool it just sucks that it has such a bad reputation lol. i went to get pizza with my mom today it was good. i talked to here about a lot of things so that was nice. I also called syka last night to check in and everything seems to be going well, she is going to be seeing her boyfriend rin soon so that's cool. stilll haven't played overwatch with them yet but that will come with time. i feel like sykaa still has a lot to learn and grow and develope in terms of realtionships but isn't that just life lol. I do wish stefan would at least text me or whatever. He did this the other day. Yea he's already asleep but i at least text him if i am going to sleep or whatever, idk. i am just scared or overthinking lol. Idk, not even. lately i've just been finding a lot of inner peace with myself and that's really rejuvenating. Like idk, honeslty once i joined the server i feel that apart of me has been restored in a way and i don't fully know how to describe it. it's like the good girl feminine energy that i have always wanted throughout my life has been finally restored in a way that i have never really had or never knew i needed. Call it cringy but lol whatever. like i said, i don't get as caught up with shit i would normally get caught up with. Idk. I mean partially some of that is due to weed because it helps distract and calm me. Like the night with stefan where shit was supposed to go bad, like yea it was bad in the moment and yea i cried, but then i just said fuck you imma do what i want if you wanna be impossible just be impossible i don['t care imma do what i wanna do. And i did and it was nice because the weed helped me. turned my thoughts back onto me and it was nice because i felt relaxed lol. yea am i still annoyed at stefan, yes but the chances of that happening again= maybe, so maybe I'll bring it up to him bext time i see him and just be like "yea, i am ok now and i ave had some time to sit and process it, and im not mad at you or annoyed at you and i recovered pretty quickly after our disput but it still doesn't make me feel ok that you resorted to not wanting the video regardless of the effort i decide to put in or not, because even though i was confused it stil doesn't make it right for you to revoke your intentions and say you don't want the video,. At that point it just made me feel worse. proved that you got to your breaking point of carelessness, and made me confused and sad that you didn't want what i was trying to give to youy regarless of if i complained or not. Idk, just didn't sit right with me. So what i ask of you for the future if we get in a situation like that again, please just let me deal with my own self and complaints and just don't revoke your inital intentions because that makes me feel worse and sad. So yes a. don't revoke your intentions and b. just let me complain when i want to complain. and understand that i am just complaining about it. Besides, you know me well enough to know that i can complain a lot about things but it doesn't mean that i am going to quit what i am doing. Just be patient with me ok? regarless of if i complain or not. because as my boiyfriend you know me better than most people.

Right thanks, so yea that is my shpeel ahout that, it is currently 5:30 am and i am lisening to death by dishonor by ghostmane. Shit goes hard lol. So yea, maggie just make sure you talk to stefan about this when you get a chance, preferably in person!!!!! Great thanks. Damn, that's actually crazy that this whole thing only took me 15 minutes to write lol. I literally love this fucking keyboard and pc so much, i honestly didn't think id like it this much but i love it, I love the keyboard and the mouse and the pc itself. the monitor is fine lol. and the applications that come with a pc are really cool, like bro. I can play overwatch and valorant which is cool. valorant i can finally play since it is apc exclusive game and also i finally feel valid enough to go on discord. Idk, some apps i just hate on my phone and would much rather prefer their layout on pc which is now where we are which is fire. But yea, ahhh we are making it mags. we're making it. Just keep your head up and keep striving for greatness because that's what you were made for. what were you made for= whatever you choose, you were given the ability to decide what is right wrong good and bad, and (most imporanty) answer those decisions with a why. You put the intention behind the decision, so thats your purpose. to be the voice of the world. Goodnight maggie, i love you. hahah YAAA that's weird, lol self love is weird. But legit this is the first time i have ever felt like i loved my personality and found purpose. My purpose is whatever i decide because i have that ability. So thanks!!! im just gonna keep trying to be the best person that i can be!!! yasaaaaaa,, fuck it we always positive in this bitch.