#like im just a guy right i dont have any real responsibilities or anything

[greasydumbfuck]

Havent talked selfship talk in a long while bc i struggle wording things but. I miss frank </3 selfshipping is fun until i sit on public transport with that unscratchable itch of wanting his arm around me

[ilovepaigebueckerss]

can we have emily engstler x fem but masc energy reader like- reader is always trying to hit on the girls and trying to rizz them w a masc energy (reader is TALLLL and has some muscles) and when she saw emily for the first time shes like okay im seeing you and she suddenly turns out as a pick me girl trying to get her attention 😭😭 masc energy suddenly disappears and she just wants emily (very random im sorry 💀💀💀)

just an act.

part 1/?

pairing: emily engstler x fem reader

summary: you were a pretty cocky girl. you knew you were fine and you used that as an advantage to flirt with any girl you wanted and you were pretty smooth. this all changes one night when you meet a blonde basketball player.

a/n: okay so like the dates dont match the ACTUAL game dates but js shhhh🤫🤫🤫but anywho i kinda dont like this but yeah. THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING BTW KEEP EM COMING.

word count: 1.1k

__________________________

APRIL 26TH, 1:23 AM

you were at a bar with your friend maddie, taking shots, dancing, and just having fun. you were wearing a short leather skirt with a plain white crop top. (you can imagine whatever you want) you had your hair in a half up half down style and you thought you looked pretty good.

“cmon y/n!!! lets dance” maddie yells to you

you were a few drinks in and already ready to go home. the bar was sweaty and reeked of alcohol. not to mention the loads of guys attempting to get a pass on you.

“you go ahead, i think imma get another drink.” you respond.

she nods and throws you a thumbs up as she walks toward some random dude shes probably gonna forget about tomorrow.

you head over to the bar and order yourself a drink. you noticed the bar tender was oddly attractive. long hair, a septum AND eyebrow piercing. she was wearing a white tanktop with a unbuttoned plaid button up.

one thing about you is, if you think someone is attractive you’re gonna let em know since you were pretty confident.

she came back with your drink and when you grabbed it you made sure to graze your hand against hers.

“thanks” you say.

“welcome” she responds.

“soo.. when did you get into bartending?” you asked. you mentally slapped yourself. ‘really’ you thought ‘couldn’t think of anything better..’ you judge yourself.

she chuckled at your poor attempt to start a conversation.

“2 years ago” she responds, smiling at you. “whats your name?” she asks, continuing the conversation.

“y/n, and you?”

“audrey”

you smile at her taking a sip of your drink observing her features.

“a picture lasts longer you know.” she says snapping you out of your thoughts.

“haha very funny. its not my fault theres an attractive girl standing right in front of me.” you respond slickly

you can see her facial expression changed to a flustered one. ‘im backk’ you thought.

“thanks. your pretty cute yourself” she says. you giggle at her comment “thank you” you say sweetly, still smiling.

maddie comes stumbling towards you. “y/nnn, lets go homeee” she slurs.

“oh my god, let me get her home. it was nice meeting you audrey!” you say grabbing maddie by her waist to keep her stable.

“you too.”

______________________________

APRIL 28TH, 7 AM

“morning” you say to a very sleepy maddie. she just groans in response.

“made you some food!” you say smiling big.

“thanks y/n/n” she responds tiredly. “mhm” you hum in response.

“im so excited! today is the mystics game!!” you practically yell.

_______________________________

APRIL 28TH, 5 PM

you were getting ready for the game making sure to look cute because you didn’t know who you were gonna see.

your rule was ‘always look cute nm where you’re going’ (real)

you were wearing jorts and a random basketball jersey you found on amazon. (again imagine whatever you want) you had big gold hoops on and your hair in a slick back pony with a red bow to match your jersey.

“MADDIEEE” you yelled for your best friend. “LETS GO WE NEEDA MAKE TIKTOKS”

your bestfriend comes running into the room all dolled up.

“AHHHH LOOK AT YOUUUU!!” you yell “looking all fine and shittt” you hype your best friend up.

she sticks her tongue out in response. “BABY LOOK AT YOUUU” she screams.

“mwah” you say making a kissy face.

“okay lemme just put my lip combo on and we good to go” you say excitedly.

________________________________

APRIL 28TH, 6 PM

the game started at 7 but due to your best friend being extra she insisted you got there at 6.

so there y’all were at the game; early as hell.

“okay ill get us our seats, go get the snacks from the car.” you say to her. she nods in response and starts walking off to the exit door.

once you found your seats you sat down and started scrolling on your phone. you notice the players starting to come in and you feel your cheeks get hot. you didn’t realize it would be that embarrassing to be here so early.

the players wave to you and you wave back smiling big. you couldn’t help but notice one blonde with tats. she was FIONEEE and coming your way.

‘shit’ you think.

“hey! thanks for coming to our game.” she says smiling

her voice is husk and you melted just by hearing it.

“oh and i like your jersey” she says raising her eyebrows.

you look down at your jersey and see that the ‘random’ jersey you bought belonged to a fairly attractive blonde basketball player.

“oh uh, thank you.” you respond shyly. you could feel your cheeks getting hot. “and uh of course yeah uh good luck” you say a stuttering mess

“well i got to go! but it was nice meeting you..” she pauses “uh y/n” you say “y/n!” she continues.

she runs off but looks back at you “hey! stay after the game!!” she yells to you.

________________________________

TIME SKIP

the game ended and the mystics won.

you didnt mention to your bestfriend that emily told you to stay after the game.

“hey uhh, so emily engstler wanted me to stay after the game.”

maddies eyes widen “WHAT” she says shocked and then her expression changes.

“and why did you not mention this?” she asks sassily.

“i don’t know but i’m scared” you say honestly. you never had to hide your feelings from maddie.

“girl, GET UP” she yells louder than she intended. “look at youuu” she says spinning you around. you couldn’t help but smile at her antics.

“i love you” you say making a sad face. “yeah yeah now go get your girl!” she says.

“y/n!” you hear a sorta familiar voice call your name.

your knees buckled at the sound of her voice.

“hiii” you say, sounding way too excited. your cheeks get that familiar sensation.

“hey! i just wanted you to stay after the game cause your pretty cute and i was wondering if i could get your insta” she admits.

you almost fainted.

“oh yeah its ‘y/ncantstandyouhoes’” (real)

Emily chuckles after hearing your username

“well i gotta get going but ill text you okay?” she says

“yeah..”

you stand there dumbfounded trying to process what just happened.

________________________________

TIME SKIP

you got home and maddie went straight to bed so you had no one to debrief to.

you decide to just go to bed until you see a notification that makes your knees weak.

‘Emily Engstler followed you!”

[satorisoup]

OH I THINK I FOUND IT WAUHDSASDUH hii! i'm so sorry but i really don't know how to request stuff so i thought this is where u would request? i'm sorry if i don't request in the actual link (if there's any) this is my first timeee huhuuu, but i REALLYYY want to request an angst to fluff wherein reader gets quite jealous bc kuroo keeps getting hit on by other girls and she gets quite insecure. thank youu don't force urself if u don't have time to!!

#KUROOS’ FANGIRLS

#A/N : yes you found it! ugh kuroo is my fav i love him so much.

#WARNINGS : f!reader. petnames (sweetheart, baby). cursing. cheek kisses. angstish(?) to fluff.

kuroo is undeniably an attractive guy. flirty humor, pretty eyes, and a tall, muscular build. no one would usually think this could be a problem but to you, it was.

it’s annoying, really. sitting at his volleyball game trying to support your boyfriend, the squeals and loud yells of his name coming from random girls in the stands. pretty long hair, whispy curls or styled bangs, big eyes and blushy cheeks, cute little outfits put together.

when the end of the game came and it was time to go, a couple of the girls even had the courage to flirt with him right in front of you.

“your arms are so strong!”

“you looked so hot out there!”

and although kuroo would give a mediocre thank you with a wave of his hand, you couldn’t shake off the creeping feeling of intense jealousy.

these girls were so perfectly put together and fluttered their long eyelashes so prettily it almost made you sick. maybe you needed to put more effort, or grow your hair out more. maybe kuroo thought so too. maybe he didn’t even like you at all.

the walk and bus ride home with kuroo was eerily quiet. you couldn’t even bring yourself to say anything other than a quiet “good job tetsu.” back at the courts.

finally walking into his room and sitting yourself on the edge of his bed, not daring to look him in the eyes and instead focusing your attention on the window. you heard the rustling of his bag on the floor before you felt the bed dip as he sat next to you. you still made no effort to look at him.

“okay, tell me what’s wrong.”

you weren’t expecting him to just blantantly ask you. and you couldn’t help but feel entirely stupid for the answer that was about to leave your mouth.

“do you even like me, kuroo?” the question came out as almost a whisper as you waited for a response.

“sweetheart, of course i do. what are you talking about?” he responded, and you finally moved your head to lock eyes with him. his face filled with slight worry as he stared at you.

“i dont know… you just have so many other girls you could easily be with. i dont understand why u bother with me.”

his eyes softened before responding, “because i love you. i could care less about any other girls because you’re the one i fell in love with.”

you smiled softly at him before being embraced by kuroo’s arms. wet kisses planted on your cheeks and a not so real “ew!” followed with soft laughter. he was right. he was dating you. he knew you like the back of his hand just as well as you knew him. he chose you over anyone else. why be insecure when everything he’s ever told you has proven to be true? its you and kuroo, and it always will be.

“no need to be so jealous, baby. im all yours.”

“quiet, tetsu.”

[t3ag3rs]

g e n s o - 1 0.

you lift your hands up to gaurd your face as you get into a fighting stance.

lets hope those years of taekwondo come in handy now.. you nod to show bakugou your ready and wait for his confirmation as well.

not soon after he gives you a curt nod, signaling the start. you pace yourself around quietly, moving side to side ocassionally. 

if im not wrong izuku always says he starts off with a right hook so i can move to the left and land a side kick at his open side... just as you had predicted, he came in with a right hook.

you duck to the left and lift your front leg up to land a quick blow as his ribs. you put your foot down repositioning yourself as he regains balance. you smile a bit at the fact you landed your kick.

okay.. now if he thinks competitively hes gonna wanna take back that point by coming in with a kick..

just as you had suspected he came in with a roundhouse kick to your ribs. you push his leg down and throw a punch at his torso quickly before snapping back into defensive position. "hm. youre quite easy to read bakugou" you grin as he seethes.

"shut it genso!" he growls before lunging at you. you quickly side step trying to avoid him, but he grabs on to your left wrist with his left arm pulling you towards him. you widen ur eyes before flipping ur wrist upward and placing ur right forearm on his now twisted arm. you push down and get him down on a knee as his arm is against your thigh. quickly you shove him off before placing his arms behind his back and placing your body weight on top of him to secure him in place. 

"got you.." you say catching your breath, "happy now that we've fought?" you say looking down at him for his response.

"get off me dammit!" he yells, "since when did you even know all of this?!" he asks agitated.

you climb off him wiping the sweat off your cheek, "we didnt see each other during junior high- theres a lot you dont know." you spit still sour on how he didnt meet with you after all those years. 

"i achieved my black belt in taekwondo and learned some other forms of martial arts to pass my test; including jiu-jitsu.." you motion to his position before lending a hand only for it to be slapped away.

"i dont need your petty help" he grunts before sitting up and looking away face slightly red.

"damn did i reslly make you that frustrated that your turning red??" you ask looking at him grinning a bit. he rolls his eyes, "dont give yourself any credit- im just hot.." he says wiping some sweat off his brow.

"yeah ill agree with you about that.." you say before grabbing your water and chugging some quickly, "i suggest you get off your tiny ass and start getting changed, lunch is about to end.." you pick up your bag and walk to the locker room waving him off.

"you little-" he starts but you slam the door behind you before he can finish, grinning to yourself.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you sigh happily as class ends getting ready to walk out before you hear uraraka, "um.. why the heck are you all here??" she exclaims as you walk over to see what was happening. you widen your eyes at the sight of the hoard of students in front of you. "um.. can we help you..?" u ask questioningly.

"theyre scouting us you idiots.." bakugou grunts walking towards the door. "they wanna see the students who survived a real villain attack-" he pauses as he stops in front of them. "take a good look at what a future hero looks like!"

you grumble at his commentary before walking up and placing a hand on his shoulder smiling at the crowd a bit, "we're very sorry for his comments.. anything he says is his own opinion and not what the rest of class 1-a thinks.."

"so this is class 1-a.. i heard you guys were impressive but this guy is an ass.." a guy with purple walks up, "is everyone in the hero course delusional or just you?" you slap your forehead, and bakugou growls. 

"how sad to see all of you are ego-maniacs.. I wanted to be in the hero course; like many students here. i didnt cut it the first time, but now i have a second chance. if i do well in the sports festival the teachers can have the option to exchange me to a different class, maybe others are scouting you all but im here to remind you all to do your very best or ill steal your spot from under you. consider this a declaration of war.." he finishes as the rest of the students behind him agree.

bakugou just turns and walks away, "bakugou apologize to them! because of you all of them hate us!" you exclaim frustrated, "these people dont matter.. the only thing that is important is that i beat them." he states before finally walking away.

you sigh before letting out another apology and finding your way thought the crowd.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you started your training during the several days before the sports festival. everyday was spent trying to elongate your time spent using each element without facing the drawbacks. by the end of the week you could use your water bending for almost hour, you air bending for 45 minutes, and your earth and fire bending for 30 minutes before feeling the drawbacks. 

but of course that wouldnt really matter if you used your fire or earth to an extensive amount in blasts. i just have to be wise and not impulsive when using those two elements... this is my time to show heroes that im capable of being a hero...

next thing you knew it was the day of the sports festival. 

you quickly grab your bag and start putting on your shoes, "im off..!" you exclaim to your parents. "wait!" called your mother before running over to you with your dad right behind. 

"y/n.. show em what l/n blood is made of." says your dad as he gives you a proud smile, "and whatever you do.. just know we're proud of you.." whispers your mom as she hugs you.

"i wont disappoint you two... be sure to record the festival so i can see it when im back." u add before opening the door and turning a last time to wave before walking out.

you walk to ua with only one thing in mind,

i will show these heroes who i am and what i can do- whether or not that means me or someone else has to struggle in the process..!

previous parts: pt. 0 0 / pt. 0 1 / pt. 02 / pt. 03 / pt. 04 / pt. 05 / pt. 06 / pt. 07 / pt. 08 / pt. 09 next part: pt. 11 / pt. 12 / pt. 13 / pt. 14 / pt. 15 / pt. 16

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[youremyheaven]

Do you think it’s possible for a solar man to be loyal? My ex turned boyfriend and I are going long distance and it’s not that I don’t trust him but like…gulp. He’s a Krittika sun and his atmakaraka is in Mrigashira he’s also a revati rising😶. He said he’s committed but we can’t see each other for three years😭 he was a senior when I met him as a freshman(in college) and now I’m entering sophomore year and he’s graduated. Apparently when I graduate, moving in together and marriage is what he wants. I’m just scared tho😞 like he’s super blunt and honest sometimes to a fault so if he did anything he’d tell me?? Idk 😭

i think anybody regardless of their naks can be a good, honourable person who is loyal, faithful etc. what naks show us and what their purpose is, is to reveal the innate tendencies of a person. anybody can attain self-mastery and rise above their nature though. (yk the whole enlightenment business hehe)

that saiiiiidd,

i dont think a combination of krittika + mrigashira + revati sounds like husband material stuff to me. thats my honest opinion.

idk what your placements are and how ya'lls synastry looks like but you clearly already have your doubts, which is why you're telling me about it 👀

this isn't only tied to astrology but as a psychic-intuitive person, im getting bad vibes from this man. 🫢🫢

you can make any decision you'd like to and its up to you. im not trying to fearmonger or falsely accuse a man i dont know of anything.

BUT

as a grown woman, i'll tell you that seniors who hit on freshmen and get into relationships with them are more often than not, predators. he was in that uni for a good 4-5 years and yet he was single in his final year and the only suitable woman was a girl right out of highschool???

if you're in your 20s you would know how hard we find it to connect to someone in their teens. a 21-22yr old is entering the work force/studying further etc and is an actual adult with real responsibilities whose life looks vastly different from an 18yr old fresh out of highschool. this is not a relationship of "equals". there is a power dynamic here (and with that krittika + mrigashira + revati 💀💀💀the power is most definitely in his hands)

i say this as someone who has male friends who have done the same thing and dated freshmen. they've all talked about how "innocent" the girls are and how "naive and cute" they are 🤢🤢🤢🤮 i would never let my daughters around these men. so that should tell you something.

idk how many relationships you've had but trust me, the guy you meet in your first year of university is not The One

another thing that reallyyyy bothers me is how, he expects you to wait for him for 3 years. it SCREAMS revati + krittika/solar influence. he's had a whole college experience and is now graduated and onto other things but he wants you to remain committed to him until you graduate college even though he knows there's no way you can see each other for THREE YEARS???

my june talking stage (Venusian man) was Revati Sun & Venus and him & i used to run in the same circles in school etc and reconnected after nearly a decade. after days of flirting, proposing marriage, him wanting me to have his babies etc he "accidentally" revealed that he's planning on migrating abroad in the next several months 💀💀💀 and i asked him why tf would u then plan ur entire life with me and he said "bc it would be nice to have a plan ready when we meet again in the future" 💀💀💀bro was basically trying to make me hopeful for a life with him, give him my time and energy and stay waiting for the day that may or may not come lmao

its different when a guy who is already your boyfriend promises these things (marriage, moving in etc) but you're 19 baby, you have your whole life ahead of you. do you really believe that this man is the love of your life? do you think you can put up with him every day until the day you die?

at 19, love and romance will feel very do or die and intense af,, you think this is your only shot at true love but that's not true. there is SOOO much wonderful stuff waiting for you in your future and you shouldn't throw it all to the side for a Solar/Martian/Mercurial man 🤢🤢🤢

life changes so dramatically after u graduate college, u have no idea!!! u will become an entirely different human being. you're still a kid right now and you should be focusing on yourself, having fun and doing well in college. men come and go but this degree can change your life!!!

as someone who has been in long distance relationships, lemme tell u that it takes A LOT of time and energy. and at 19, i think that time and energy will be better spent elsewhere. i also generally dont think long distance relationships work except in veryyyy rare cases.

your man loves the idea of you saving yourself for him, waiting for him, needing him, belonging to him. he loves to gives you ideas, fill you up with images of a future together because he relishes having that power over you. this is literally what Solar men are like. sprinkle some Mercurial manipulation on top of it. Martian men can be reallyyy violent and abusive (if imbalanced). he's already harsh with his words as you say, do you really want to stick around and find out what else might happen???

again, not trying to fear monger but i dont get good vibes from this guy

plenty of girls i knew in my first year of college started dating seniors and entered into the most destructive and life changing relationships.

none of them are still together. and this is coming from an indian pov where people still used to date to marry.

all im saying is, this looks bad from many different angles and i dont want you to ruin your college experience caught up with some guy who isn't even there. your friends will be out there making memories of a lifetime, acing their classes and you'll be arguing with him on face time and crying yourself to sleep

ik that sounds dramatic but im trying to be realistic here

cut this man out babe , you can do so much better<3333

[tojiscrack]

liar liar is STRESSING ME OUT (lighthearted) the anticipation is really killing me, i dont think i have ever consumed any media ever where i am so lost on what is gonna happen next. i feel like im blindfolded and im only given certain information at a time, the foreshadowing is both brilliant and gonna make me go “omg i am so dumb” once i see it 😭 you truly are a magnificent writer🤞

ALSO LFMAO THIS MIGHT BE A WEIRD QUESTION but ur user “tojiscrack”, is it meant to be in like “tojis crack (as in the drug)” or “tojis crack” (as in tojis asscrack) like i have been pondering this 🤔💭

excuse the dryness of this response, i'm on my laptop so no emojis :/

'kay, ANYWAYS, you need to stop stressing out, like i'll TELL you when it's time to stress. you won't have to start stressing for another... six or seven chapters (i believe?). let me check my notes actually waittt

okay i lied, u guys have more time. you can stress in TEN chapters, not six LMAOO. so really, u should be happy. in between then is a shit ton of filler and a small bit of plot. like we're building up is all. if anything, you should be a tiny bit concerned during them, but not STRESSED or WORRIED. you'll see what i mean lmao.

just remember that this story is gonna be the slowest burn you'll ever read. you won't find books in real life that can combat how slow it's gonna burn (for good reason tho, so be patient lol)

'you are truly a magnificent writer' -- stop i'm blushing. (pretend there are a shit ton of emojis here to clear out the dryness, it's like a desert over here). you won't feel stupid with the foreshadowing. sure you'll think 'omg it's right there', but i wouldn't blame you 'cause i did hide some of it, and then reveal some of it too so... yeah lmao, you're good!

YOU'RE RIGHT, WHAT A WEIRD QUESTION KKJDHAKSJSKDJ

so basically, during april of this year (i believe?) i put a poll up where ppl could pick if the user should be 'tojisbum' or 'tojiscrack'. they picked bum but i didn't like that :/ so i picked crack. crack = his buttcrack, NAWT drugs because we don't do drugs around here (i've never even seen or touched a vape in my life, i don't party, idek the different drug names, u get the gist lmao).

[voiceofsword]

I'm gonna set up a little tent in your inbox sorry it's cosy here :)

I still think about this so much like what does he mean by this. The shipper brain in me just sees it as rinniki real but I doubt they had that intention like????

Also when he and mayoi talk and niki denies seeing rinne as family only to proceed defending him by claiming he's human like everyone else and he's just shown his "total bastard side" to everyone (but niki knows his true side because he trusts him enough. kinda 🏳️‍🌈)

I've just kinda rambled in your inbox but if you wanna add anything (or delete my ask fair lol) feel free ^^

omg why would i delete this u guys know i love any excuse to talk about them

ill put this under a cut bc screenshots, dont wanna clog ppls dashes !!

my shipper brain AGREES and in large part i think its intentional (not romantically? probably. will i see it that way? well 😏) because these two guys find it impossible to be open about how much the other means to them.. and through that weird tsun-ness it becomes obvious that they're both tiptoeing around it, so much so that when they do, it makes it even More apparent to everyone that something is up... but they both think they're very good at hiding it.

i think niki is especially a worse offender of this bc admitting rinne's just as important to him as it is the other way around is an IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGE.. like with kohaku there hes like ew rinnes so gross his face makes me sick and not want to eat. hes definitely exaggerating here... what are u overcompensating for. ehem

but niki's love language is literally acts of service, and, well, it's pretty obvious how often he manifests this towards rinne

and in the mayoi conversation you mentioned it's SOOO.. when mayoi mentions that c:b are going to be their coperformers, when niki starts talking about rinne in response, it's almost like.. he's thanking them? bc to him he couldnt care less if they're invited on stage again. but rinne's the first thing he brings up because he knows how much it means to him, and that if anyone deserves a second chance, it's him:

after mayoi says this, niki goes hell no but regardless his next lines all sound really fond:

and i think the underlying sentiment here is that niki thinks rinne deserves the world. that even though hes sometimes an asshole, that beneath it all he's still a Good Person, and niki would give anything to make other people see that. it's not an explicit declaration of love but reading between the lines, hes pouring his heart out to mayoi like, hey i really love this guy. and even tho its not put into words, not properly, anyway, mayoi himself can see it

(especially taking into account that immediately afterwards he asks mayoi for a favor (that would benefit rinne, in the end))

just like him regularly feeding rinne (although sometimes rinne doesn't give him a choice — on several instances where rinne comes up to him like 'im hungry make me food', nikis like 'oh i cant Not feed you. youre being annoying but i cant have you be hungry', bc to him that's how he shows he cares, about rinne or about anyone), insisting that he'll go back home with him, and always, without fail, getting roped into his schemes and ending up enjoying it, bc time he spends with rinne is ultimately time spent with his best friend.

so yeah nikis a little 🏳️‍🌈 ur right

[mithliya]

once in school (maybe 8th or 9th grade) they made us watch this random vintage period movie for ''educational'' purposes and there was a rape scene in the beginning and the killing of an animal. i remember feeling so disturbed and also humiliated, considering i had to watch this in the presence of a bunch of school boys sitting right next to me. i remember feeling kind of annoyed the whole day afterwards and i just kinda had this uneasy feeling. now, i get the the movie was depicting war times and whatnot and i don't consider myself sensitive, meaning i can watch media or documentaries that depict certain level of ''real life'' horrible situations (tho i prefer to do it in my own privacy) but the way they had to make us watch it still irks me. cuz like you know schools avoid anything ''sexual'' and barely even give proper sex ed(if none at all, especially a decade ago and where i come from), but suddenly showing a guy raping a woman to a bunch of underage teens is ok, and that too without warning, like nobody told us there are gonna be any such scenes. like you know they would never show it so casually if it was the reverse.

thats so disgusting!!! im so glad that at least today trigger warnings have been more normalised despite the weirdos that were vehemently against it for absolutely no reason (not everywhere unfortunately but heres hoping). and especially showing a bunch of students in school some movie depicting women getting raped?! like teenage boys are already a menace and i know if it were in my school they probably wouldve joked around about it somehow. i remember back then people saying "omg i got raped by the exam" and "haha ill rape u" were saying something quite normal, so rape was viewed as a joke basically. and guys would make those moaning noises and sexually harass so many of us as a "joke". schools should be more responsible and doing more to protect the female students frankly, i dont know why on earth they think showing a woman being raped in a film to children was somehow deemed appropriate especially with the climate female children often face in mixed sex schools

im sorry u went thru that anon

[moodr1ng]

lengthy discussion of ed treatment/management under the cut but nothing triggering or specific

i think its funny that im like.. (i believe) very good at giving advice regarding eating disorders to other people.. like, i will often give detailed, multi-paragraph, nuanced advice and information on dealing with eds and give people lists of ways they can reach for help, advice on managing disordered eating behaviors as best as possible, reassurance that yes, what theyre describing is a real ed, yes they deserve help, no they dont need to get any sicker to get help, ill frequently ask people who are down on themselves or ashamed bc of eating disorders to let me have faith in them on their behalf/let them know that im proud of them even if they arent/reassure them that they are never alone with this even in the worst part of an ed when it feels like youre the only person this fucked up on the planet/celebrate their wins and improvements if they have no one to be proud of them/etc. and none of this im saying to congratulate myself like.. i am somewhat educated on this topic, i like being able to use that to help out people, im not doing anything extraordinary or praiseworthy, i just have a certain level of skill/knowledge in handling eds and so i feel its sort of a responsibility i want to take on to put that to use.

but the point is.. i can do all this for other people but when it comes to myself? i dont follow any of my advice. my relationship to food is terrible and so is that to my body. i know all this stuff, i have all these nice things to say to other people - and i can't apply any of it to myself.

and though i always encourage people to reach out to medical professionals, to nutritionists, to therapists specializing in ed, to hotlines, to ed clinics.. i have been let down by every single one of those. my nutritionist told me my eating problems are a psychiatric issue and therefore she simply couldnt help me in any way. my psychiatrist listened to me describe my ed and had no advice bc he doesnt specialize in this and cant help me. the ed clinic in my city wouldnt offer me treatment bc they only take extremely underweight patients. a nutrition/ed support clinic a friend recommended wont take me either bc im not overweight enough. i contacted an ed hotline, set up a phone appointment with the hotline worker, and got ghosted. every avenue of help i have found has said "i cant help you" or "i wont help you". and yet here i am, still telling people to seek professional support and hoping they have better luck than me..

idk. sometimes i just feel phony, yknow? like, here i am giving people all this reassuring, in-depth, affirming advice that sounds like.. wise or like i know my shit right, and then you go look at my post history on the same account and theres my post about my relapse and how profoundly i hate myself and am disgusted with myself. it makes me feel like.. me still being in the deep of the ed devalues my advice. you peek under the curtain, and the guy who talks like he has it all figured out and can help you is just as lost, scared, ashamed and miserable as you.

not sure what im trying to say. just. think about this regularly ig. i wonder how i wouldve fared in a world where i didnt get rejected from returning to the psychology course, in a world where i become someones therapist - would i have too felt like an absolute phony, a poser, if i had become a therapist while being this mentally unwell? idk. maybe. it doesnt matter now, anyway.

[linolinoing]

[ hey, you dont have to post this, i just wanted to say smth in response to some other asks ive seen you get. im just saying things in a monotone btw pls dont read this with any sort of extreme tone /gen. ]

all of them are older than me, and i am an established adult. they know the real world. i see not a single reason you should expect them not to.

chan is just as online as your average stay. felix is all over tiktok. students in a south korean university are demonstrating so noticeably news of it have reached people all over the world. and they are in south korea. they would have heard of everything by now.

chan has a habit of doing things jyp doesn‘t want him to do if he wants to do them bad enough.

i dont think anybody forced them to do this collab.

i dont think they secretly hated it. theyve mentioned wanting to collab with this guy before multiple times; i remember at least two.

3racha and skz have brought insane success to jype with all four of their most recent comebacks. jyp has his flaws, but i don‘t think hes an unapproachable tyrant. other jype artists have talked abt negotiating things with him pretty easily.

i personally dont believe they tried to object to anything theyve recently done, cc or this. i wish people would stop acting as if theyre literal slaves. theyre in a good position in the company and the industry at large.

if they truly wanted to object, i believe they would have.

hard is just something this sort of thing is. no matter who, what, or where you are.

[ all of our takes are more or less speculation, this is just my two cents. i would be happy if you would share them, but do with them what you will, its your blog. have a good day ]

About your second message - don't worry it didn't come of that way at all and please don't feel stupid for voicing your opinion!

I definitely don't think they were against any of the collabs they did, but unfortunatly there's still a lot of people who live in their own bubble and don't check the world news, so I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't know what companies are being boycotted.

Most kpop idols stay silent about pretty much all social and political topics, most can't even say outright what their own beliefs are. However there are idols who do speak up - Fatou from balckswan, BM from kard, Suho from EXO to name a few that I can think of. Can it potentially cause consequences for them? Yes. And they still did it. Until a few days ago people weren't event asking kpop idols to speak up, mostly fans were asking companies to divest from working with zionists.

It's pretty obvious 3racha like puths music and were happy to collaborate with him and judging by how many stays didn't know anything about what puth had said in the past, I don't think 3racha knew either. BUT there's is no way they don't know now. When skz were on stationhead today a lot of stays commented about Palestine and the boycott, even tho comments were going really fast, it was very noticeable. Will they stop all the promotions? No. Will jype release a statement? No. They're just going to keep on promoting this collab, remixes will be realesed soon, they're sending this song on radio and performing it on 15th, and that's only what we know of. I kinda feel like even after the promo period they will still perform this song, maybe at the festivals, maybe even on upcoming tour. Also they're spending a lot of time in ny right now so I'm afraid this is not the only weird move that we will see from them, cuz if this song is sort of a pre realese for the album then idk what kind of an album is waiting for us. I hope I'm wrong about that, but i guess we just have to wait and see

[regryrth]

#drdtdevappreciation

Im so proud of how you all as a fandom handled this so well 💙 I know things are still pretty shaky in places and no one can rlly say this problem is “solved” or “forgiven” unless DRDT Dev specifically says so (which I dont mean to say they should or have to comment on anything, I know they mentioned theyre nervous and now uncomfortable interacting which I understand and accept responsibility for) But it really makes me happy to see how for the most part We’re turning something bad into appreciation. So for the fandom here. I appreciate all of you.

Even the ones who mightve gone too far. Just like me u had good or at least non malicious intent. Which turned out bad but there are still ppl who respectfully understand where youre coming from. Maybe its not wanted- But I appreciate and care for you too. I dont know how youre handling this all, But if its anything like how I did, I hope you understand nothing is ur fault just like how people have said it’s not entirely mine and not DRDT Devs. Even if it wasnt the best thing u couldve said in the moment. I understand u didnt want to harass anyone. It was a mistake made cause it’s human to act emotionaly have opinions and want to be understood with that. That can make ppl say and post things online that get deserved back-lash like I did. And the things u say can seriously hurt people like I did. I cant say how anyone else feels with everything thats happened But if Im right about everything so far. Its okay. To me at least which I guess isnt much. Even If u dont feel real remorse- You feel u were justified- But just dont want to be lectured in paregraphs over and over. Thats ok to me too. No one has to be completely justified in how they feel and it would be hyppocritical of me to say u do. And you shouldnt have to be looked at as any worse then the rest of us for stating your mind. Ur a great DRDT fan and person too and no one should claim any different for anyone. So while no one can throw around the word “forgive” for an incident that isnt ours to forgive- I “understand” u.

On a lighter note- The people who defended DRDT Dev without harassing anyone. U all acted so maturely in response to everything I honestly envy u a little. Does maturity and not making mistakes like these come one by one for you? When I make mistakes like this I feel like something with no real sense of right or wrong- Then I mess up and ppl come out to tell me where I went wrong and the “right” thing to do- And I piece together all the life lessons and “right” responses little by little until I feel safe with myself. Like a kintsugi piece. And like the cake in chapter 1! Did u have to do the same? I wonder if everyone experiences this. But thats not so relevant to appreciating you- So thank you for seeing every side. Even mine. Thank you for taking this whole situation and turning it into something good for everyone. We should talk about stuff like this more- While I still wish I hadnt posted that confession Im happy with whats been made of it- Even if the damage was still done. Because disrespecting and dehumanizing creators like DRDT Dev who put themselfs through so much to make wonderful content for us is never ok and to sweep it under the rug Like nothing ever happened is even worse. I know I requested the original post be deleted But Im ok with it being up on other blogs and posts because its important to hold stuff like this accountable and talk about it. And u guys did just that which is why Im so proud and thankful for u. This isnt a Thanksgiving dinner But u all deserve to be appreciated for doing good things too and supporting DRDT Dev.

And that brings me to who I appreciate the most- DRDT Dev. Everyone has said it so perfectly already I cant think of how to say it myself. But theyre so strong for going through all this. With their health. And going through and finding things like what I said. And other things none of us know about because they work to prioritize us over themself. And yet they still dont give up. They still keep going even with everything. They dont have to do this. But they do anyways and we should all appreciate them so much for that. Because sometimes we forget they and there team are human- I forgot that too. Doing things like my confession and taking their work for granted and other things is never ok. Im so happy we can do something to share our appreciation for DRDT, DRDT Dev and their team. Bad things and arguments and DRDT Dev being hurt by me had to happen first. I wish it didnt and that fandoms would give this much love and support to their creators without some incident happening first. But Im happy what happened let us appreciate the dev for there work now. And even if the DRDT Dev doesnt create side content anymore because of this- Its alright. They shouldnt have to push themselves past their boundaries or limits for us cause they already do so much. Even if we dont know much about them- We know enough to say theyre a wonderful person and we all love their content and them so much.

I know a lot of ppl apologized on my behalf and I suppose I wrote a longer apology to DRDT Dev and the fandom. But Ill say again as the anon themself- I am deeply sorry DRDT Dev for what I and others have said and done. I hope that you are well. And that youre able to see our appreciation through these posts.

I love you all 💙

[pesterloglog]

Meenah Peixes, Meulin Leijon

Act 6, page 5308

MEENAH: so tell me

MEENAH: what exactlys the bullshit reason you cant join me to go fight lord bad guy

MEULIN: (^._.^) < YOU WANT ME TO GO FIGHT _THAT GUY_ WITH YOU???

MEULIN: (^･o･^) < OH BUT I DO NOT THINK THAT WILL BE FLEASIBLE...

MEENAH: noooooo shit

MEULIN: (=^‥^=) < I DON'T WANT TO COMPLETELY WASH MY PAWS OF THE IDEA, BUT I JUST HAVE SO MANY BALLS OF YARN IN THE AIR RIGHT NOW.

MEULIN: ＼(=^‥^)/ < SO MANY POTENTIAL SHIPS TO JUGGLE. A BUSY HYPOTHETICAL MATCHMAKER'S JOB IS NEVER DONE!

MEENAH: that isnt anything even close to resemblin a real responsibility

MEULIN: (=^･ｪ･^=) < I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I DON'T GIVE A LICK ABOUT JOINING YOUR FIGHT, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK I WILL BE VERY USEFUL!

MEULIN: ~(=^‥^)ノ < BY THE WAY, "LICK" WAS A SUBTLE CAT PUN.

MEENAH: dunno it doesnt sound like you give much a carp about anyfin that isnt shipping or sayin cat things

MEENAH: btw "sound" was a subtle pun pertainin to oceanic geography

#also #'carp' is a fish #and 'anyfin' is just a thing i say all the time duh

MEULIN: (^・ω・^ ) < COME OOOOOOOOON M33NAH, DON'T YOU WANT TO RELAX JUST A NIP BEFORE YOU GO RIGHT OFF TO ROUGHHIVE SOME MORE?

MEULIN: (^･o･^) < I HEARD YOU HAVE TAKEN A K33N INTEREST IN KANKRI'S ANCESTOR.

MEENAH: sunnuva fish

MEULIN: ヽ(^‥^=ゞ) < WELL, M33NAH? IS THAT TRUE?

#HMMM?????????

MEENAH: even if it was true

MEENAH: which it is the very definition of AINT

MEENAH: how the shit could you have even heard something like that already

#not literally heard #w ur ears #yaknowatimean

MEULIN: (=^ω^=) < H3333333! IT'S TRUE, I JUST KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!

MEULIN: (=ｘェｘ=) < _DIES_

#*IS DEAD*

MEENAH: yes please do that

MEULIN: ヾ(=ﾟ･ﾟ=)ﾉ < DO YOU WANT ME TO SET YOU UP WITH HIM? BEFORE YOU SAY NO, I URGE YOU NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF MY ROMANTIC SORCERIES.

MEULIN: (^･o･^)ﾉ < YOU HAVE B33N OUT OF THE LOOP FOR A LONG TIME, SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF MIRACLES HAVE B33N WROUGHT BY THE MAGE OF HEART!

MEULIN: (=^-ω-^=) < NOW, BEFORE I WORK MY MAGIC, WE SHOULD GET ONE THING CLEAR. IS YOUR YEARNING RED OR BLACK?

MEULIN: (=ＴωＴ=) < I AM ONLY ASKING TO BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN, BUT METHINKS THERE IS BARELY ANY DOUBT ABOUT IT. SOMMMEONE IS WAXING SCARLET FOR A LOUD, YOUNGER KANKRI, HMMMMMMMMM?

MEENAH: leijon

MEENAH: are you readin my lips

MEENAH: pretend you can hear me and that im saying this so loud your kittycat ears hurt

MEENAH: shhhut thhhe fuuuuck uuup

MEULIN: (^･ω･^)

MEENAH: dont set me up with anemonebouy kay

#anemonebouy #<<how fishpuns be DONE #bouyeah

MEENAH: just keep it in your friendfics

MEENAH: write about us doin it or whatever just S)(UT UP

MEULIN: (^･o･^) < OHHH. G333. EMMM.

MEULIN: (=^･^=) < I HAVE THE _BEST_ IDEA FOR A FIC LIKE THAT.

MEULIN: ~(=^‥^)ノ < BUT DON'T WORRY, MY POLICKSY WITH SUCH LICENTIOUS MATERIAL IS THE SAME AS IT'S ALWAYS B33N. I WILL NOT SHOW A SOUL UNTIL I HAVE SHOWN IT TO YOU AND THE YOUNGER VANTAS, AND YOU BOTH APPURRVE. I PROMISE!!!

MEENAH: yay another worthless conversation under ma belt!

#belt w a bedazzled fuchsia strap and a solid gold buckle

MEENAH: TIM-E TO BOUNC-E

[dailyoyo]

ohhhmygod i loge you twos yoyo headcanons so much.... thats actually so eloquent & it made me sad....... im so happy you guys are just as insane about yoyo/jsr as i am bc i have nobody tontalk to about thus!!!! i coule ramble on my blog but nobody would respond and i NEED others interpretations. because i dont actually have anything to say please take this yoyo i drew with my eyes closed . i had to unsheathe myself to send images

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BOTH ME AND MOD PSEUD MADE LOUD YELPS OF SURPRISE AND DELIGHT UPON VIEWING FUCKED UP EYES CLOSED YOYO. REALLY AWESOME

and honeslty VERY valid and real pseud gave me the keys to this blog so i had somewhere to just start dumping my jsr thoughts bc i Also do not have anybody to unleash them on right now. like ok there is pseud obv but they are hypfixed on other things at the moment. and theres also a pokemon creepypasta discord i have had jsr insanity moments to but they are not really Into jsr we're just all vibing and sharing our own shit from diff fandoms.

I know i cuold join a jsr discord server at any time but (GETS SCARED. GETS SCARED. GETS SCARED.) its easier to have people come to me of their own accord instead of goig up to them and presenting myself you know. and i kind of keep myself SUPER insulated from most fandoms i get into and dont seek fancontent 90% of the time so like most thoughts goig on in this fandom i hear second or thirdhand. i have NO idea if my way of engaging with these characters is like typical or really out there or what

but Yeahg im always cool with asks and replies and etc etc uuuuoooooogh. i dont always have good responses but i looooove enrichment in my enclosure......

[mapsofnonexistentplacesremade]

my brain is particularly gripped by somsak IDK why but i love him so much and his keytar we need to bring those back. but if you have any brainthoughts about him i'd love to hear them!! also ik the relationship section on his toyhouse page is a wip and idk if that's for like any reason but if you have anything to say about that it'd be cool. smash mouth

SOMSIIIIII honestly he exists in such a weird state because i built him up to be a pretty important character really early on and then my brain got distracted by all the other guys i made up.... i need to think about him more and maybe actually working on his page would help LOL

right now he's kind of just sitting in the story as a weird 'absence' character which i do find fun but yknow it means he doesnt really do much. in my minds eye hes just like cool skater kid from a prog ska band who says swear words all the time. theres more to him but i havent been able to put it into words yet....

rest got long so

honestly the relationships part is probably the most interesting. at least so far. the person he's technically closest to is ulises because she's the one who basically revived him and yknow. she feels this kind of responsibility for him and checks in with him to make sure he's ok. somsak thinks he's too cool to ever confront his emotions and likes to stay aloof but deep down he REALLY appreciates ulises' concern.... i think soms is kind of aware that nobody on the train really likes or respects him and though he knows he kind of does it to himself hes at least glad Someone cares about his existence at all. also thinking about it theyd both bond over music they like the same kind of tunes :+) ulises is like his cool prog rock uncle

he also has this with beatrix. having been the person to save him from falling into fornax. but its to a lesser extent just because beatrix is way sharper and untrusting themself so their relationship basically amounts to like. theyre both walking around the train and see one another. silently walk up to one another maintaining full eye contact. beatrix asks in a jovial yet stilted tone "have you fallen into any more dimensional holes as of late" as like the worlds funniest joke. somsak answers "at least 12" plays a haunting riff on his keytar and runs away. they dont talk for another month

uhhhh next thing doesnt really count as a 'relationship' i just think its an interesting character thing i wanna bring up real quick. demeter doesnt like him because he stirs up memories of míra most unpleasantly. obviously they dont say it aloud and its less of a "why do you get to live when she didnt" thing and more of a "wow every time i look at this guy i wonder how my whole life would've changed if míra had survived too" so its just like. wah. they're cold to him :+(

notably hes friends with freya kind of. they both like to cause mischief and will like. very quickly catch on and support one anothers jokes its like epitome of doing a bit with some stranger and just getting the yes/and in sync completely somehow. sometimes freya finds him very annoying and gets kind of rude but that shit flies over soms head completely and he doesnt care

i think his connection with dalisay also works in a similar manner but unlike freya dalisay speaks far more earnestly and its more of like. bouncing off of a straight man sort of improv between them. somsak just finds hir monotony brilliant honestly

somsak kind of admires olzhas and isel and like. has a weird respect for the both of them LOL he tones himself down around them which baffles olja especially. hes just like hey these guys came to the train and found a better life aboard just like i did!!!! fuck yes!!!!!!! theyre cool im also cool!!!!!! he also thinks theyre both just cool looking. transmasc swag forever

what else. have some quotes about him from like typed up relationship charts i made a few months back. theyre the funniest ones

[bittwitchy]

i’m gonna be a thousand percent real w you guys for a min, its gonna be under a read more, and it revolves around fears and pains and scary medical things and g/ov3r/nm3nt bullshit and stuff which is uhhh destroying me mentally and physically ig ahahahhaa

so like as some ppl know, when i was leaving work late nov/early dec of 22, i fell and injured my ‘leg’, it was a few days before i turned 26 and i couldnt get a doc appt in time w a real doc, and ofc bc i was on the male parentals insurance and it was based out of texas despite US being in california, i got completely fucked over bc they didnt want ro cover shit and i had to argue with them til almost the very end of december or so just to see a nurse practitioner who didnt know wtf she was gonna do, and refused to listen to me when i said i was not going to have insurance in a week. i cannot afford any expansive anything right now and anything that i have to do needed to be done before the end of december. all she said was ‘i hope you get better then, but they will call you when they feel like it.’

its been over a year, im still not better, because i was not clocked in at the time, and was injured in the parking lot, hr already said they wont cover it. even if i was only at that location (not my home location) for them, i was not clocked in and therefore they hold no responsibility, and the parking lot had no cameras anyways. its all just word of mouth so. i got fucked there too. C/alo/ptima has been fujcing useless and wont even send me my new insurance card so i can get a new regular pcp who will refill even just my fucking inhaler because the guy they gave me refused to even refill that.

now, when ive gotten the leg scans, they cant find anything. they dont know whats wrong. ‘oh youre just fat, lose weight and you’ll be fine.’

breathing shots pain into my leg. and the pains been spreading. ive been getting a little bit of weird treatment at work despite dlat out ignoring and pushing through my pain to please people and that wasnt even enough because i still got some pretty weird ass treatment from some ppl in management despite the fact im not choosing this, and ignoring it makes everything worse.

and ive been trying to push through and ignore it and hope it heels, because the medical system isnt going to help me, neither is the company, and i live in california. i really just cant afford the medical system here anyways.

i think when i fell, it clipped a nerve into my spine, because for those unaware im that special brand of au/tistic who can tell you the exact point of origin of my pain. from tooth pain to headaches to even searing body aches, i can tell you where it starts and where it ends. but i also have a massive pain tolerance (ive had 8 root canals and local anesthesia doesnt work on me thanks to adhd, i can and have had 9 bottles injected in and nothing happened, so i just dont use it and ignore the horrendous fucking pain of your nerves being killed because i dont want to bother anyone. THAT is my pain tolerance level, and i cant tolerate this.)

the pain is spreading to both of my legs, and when i ignore it i end up toppling over. i used to be a hula dancer, professional as a kid, still for rec until i got hurt. i cant do it anymore. i can barely walk. when i force myself into events and shit that requires walking, it feels like my entire body is being crushed the next day, and during the actual day of doing but thats obvious.

i dont know how to take it anymore, nothing is helping, no one is helping me, and even people who try to help me its like the system is working for them despite refusing to work for me. i really well and truly dont know what to do about this anymore. the pain from my spine isnt only in that leg now, its in both legs and keeps creeping to my arms. im obviously not gonna get help from the company, and even talking to a lawyer its a fucking long shot that i could get anything done from them at all since the parking lot didnt have cameras. i already have eds, and this has been setting off the issues relating to it even more. i was meant to get tested for pots before i lost insurance back then, but new doctor doesnt believe women can experience pain at all, and are lying for attention if they admit to it.

breathing is fucking painful, and i dont know what to do. i can just keep doing what im doing and ignoring my pain and pushing through to please everyone because its not like the system helps, but the system is working for others and when i do what they recommend i do it not only still doesnt work for me, but i get threats from it. i dont know if its because im autistic or not, indont know why it works for others and not for me, i dont understand and when i try to get answers all people say is ‘just push through’ but im trying and its making everything worse and im breaking my body more and more by just pushing through and indont want to get kicked off of c/alo/ptima for bothering them too much by not getting answers despite my efforts because i did get threatened and incant afford $250-500 monthly fees from my state if i dont have insurance. $250 is more than i earn a week. jts not like im getting hours at work. and i really just am so fucking broken and tired and confused and done i dont know what to do and im tired of being in pain. i just want the pain to go away. i dont want to cry anymore. i dont want to be confused and scared and alone anymore. its like everythings collapsing down and i dont know what to do.

and to top it all off, the skin welts and lesions that my old doctor was so terrified of me having are back. theyre a symbolism of my white blood cell count, and last time i got them he had me get blood tests every few months because he was worried about my developing leukemia. and everytime it got too high he gave me something to try snd prevent it, and ultimately i was ‘almost there but narrowly escaped’, and i dont know how im supposed to just keep pushing and keep living and keep going it that happens too. especially when incant afford a blood test right now. i dont know what im doing or who i am anymore and its destroying every semblance of who i am that i had left, and i just want to make everyone happy but im not happy. im not happy snd im not getting help snd i feel so defeated and indont understand how other people can argue andnits fine but i do it and i get threatened or retaliated against.

indont understand how if i do whats recommended im misbehaving and being wrong but others can do what they want. its like im a kid again but instrad of being beaten im just getting fucked over medically even more snd my body gets to further destroy itself and i dont know whay the fuck left there is to do. its like everythings collapsing down on me, jm not getting the samw care or treatment others get, and i dont think im going to because i cant keep fighting a system thats going to only verbally threaten me because they wont respond to emails. i cant use recorded conversations in court here. im scared and im tired and im in constant pain and had to beg my old doctor to send an inhaler refill without my seeing him because the new one wouldnt and my lungs were giving out. i dont want to die but it feels like its heading rhat way whether i want to or not because nothing and nobody will help me and when they try they get mad at me for ‘not trying harder’ but im doijt everythint they say and more and its nothing. nothings coming crom it but my suffering. but if i say its not my fault its ‘making excuses’ and injust cant keep doing this anymore. im so tired, and im in so much pain, and indont know what to do.