#like im in 2016 again and im a sad and lost teenager

[wishmkr-jirachi]

y'ever feel nostalgic for objectively worse times. why does that happen

[cryolyst]

would anyone be mad if i reblogged 200 saku//atsu fanarts rn

[notpumpkiin]

Beans story is sad. I got her at like 3 weeks or so in December of 2011 outside of a derby and the girl (who's currently a meth addict) who tried to give bean away said she was the runt of the litter and her mom refused to feed her so she was trying to give away this kitten to someone who knew what they were doing. And with me having like 6 cats at the time thought why not one more. I bottle fed her warm cows milk until we could take her to the vet the next day.

Note: beans eyes could barely open at this point.

I was at school when my mom took bean into the vet and he said there's nothing he could do for her, and it'd be best to euthanize the kitten because she's too young to be away from her mother, being at roughly 3 weeks or so, and my mom cried so hard the vet offered a different solution. He prescribed her specialized wet food packed full of nutrients, and stuff to put inside milk to help with digestion.

Everyone in the family decided to put it on me to be the one to take care of bean in full. I had to feed her every 2-4 hours, including waking up at night to do so (I wouldn't sleep for weeks at a time so it was whatever). And oh my god was she sick. She was like a paper thin Victorian child with dust for bones. She quickly learned how to use a litter box but due to how sick she was it didn't matter because she'd get covered in her own filth anyway, and I had to clean her with cut up rags to encourage her to clean herself (and now she's never not cleaning herself).

She was severely sick for months from what I remember, but one day she just seemed to have suddenly gotten better. She finally started playing, she started passing more solid poops, and as she grew I mixed in dry food with her wet food and she was so excited to have a variety ahsjfkfk.

Then my parents kicked her out of the house because she was in heat constantly and her yeowling would wake up the whole house. So she had kittens about 2 months later, and I named all her kittens after various types of beans ahsjffl. Unfortunately only one is left alive and her owner renamed her Claire, and she's extremely agoraphobic with a severe skin condition and a crook in her tail. But she's a color point siamese, which was surprising considering bean is a tortoise shell tabby.

After that my parents, now upset that there's 5 kittens that now need spayed instead of one, decided to lock them all together in a tall cage that would fit 2 cats pet step in that thing. It was like that for about one agonozing month until I forced their hand to get them fixed by personally going out and finding an office that would spay cats for around $25 each.

They all hid in my room while they healed from surgery and they were all loud like her mom. One day I came home from school to find them all outside and my parents being all like "well look at how happy they are :) they're loving it" and me still being under their influence of them and freshly being a 18 year old teenager and not knowing better I was like "haha ok but bring them in at night and during winter" and that never happened. When I would get upset that they're not doing what I asked they'd pull the whole "my house my rules" thing.

Slowly all my cats (even ones I haven't mentioned) started disappearing, whether it being my brother shooting them or they just never came back home again from wandering out into the woods nearby.

Bean also had a flame point boy named vanilla (but everyone called him little boy) and he was the sweetest cat. He also had a crook in his tail, but he was the fattest and happiest thing I've ever seen. He looked exactly like Mr j here on Tumblr, and I like to pretend that that's him living his best life.

After I moved out I couldn't bring any of my cats with me, which broke me a little. It hurt knowing there wasn't much I could do to help my cats besides boss my parents into trying to take care of them while I visited every weekend to check up on them.

In 2015 I was able to bring todd into a new apartment I had gotten in Branson instead of springfield, and I had him there for about a year before my grand breakdown and I had to move back in with my parents and eventually into one of my sisters houses where I left todd for about a year and a half in 2016-2017 because I wanted to find myself in Utah. I wanted to take him with me, but my other sister who lived in Utah (if you wanna block her hmu) didn't allow animals in the house. So I figured when I get a place of my own I'll have them drive him to me.

We all know how utah turned out.

I finally got todd back in 2018, lost him this year, and now im back with saving my last surviving cat.

There's so much regret, there's so much pain and anger I have left inside me, and I wish I could have done something more to help keep all my cats safe, but my situation made it impossible, and I couldn't ask for help online without getting into sex work.

But bean is here, bean is safe now, and I hope I have at least another good 5 years with her.

[wordsfromme4]

Between the ages of 17-21, Instead of doing my life exactly as I wanted. I settled and stupidly adopted an “adult” mentality to just settle and take life and deal. I didn’t want to burden my family, pretty much my mom and sister, because I was very well aware of the fact that I came from a low income single parent household. My first job was the catalyst for a horrible traumatic spiral of pain and misery for my life, that I then lost my way for so long. I lost my sense of self confidence, ambitions, everything. I let myself stay while trying to find something else, at only the age of 18, where honestly at that age I should’ve been able to be as fickle and childlike as anyone should be able to. I was still young, and I should’ve allowed myself to be. So I spent months until in desperation, when the first new job came my way, I took it and bolted out from that horrid place because that was the adult thing to do. I didn’t know that one can leave a job without a back up if the job is that painful for one to work at. So now I’m at the 2nd job, and it turned out to be a nightmare for me as well. Not in the same exact as the first, but I have trauma from it too. On top of the fact that, they fired me due to my inability to perform as a top employee during the probation period. However, if im being fair, I really tried. The first month of my working there, I was still trying to adjust myself to the new job and new format on top still trying to heal from the prior months of trauma, so I wasn’t always on time. They only allowed for a 2 minute grace period and I had came from a job that was so dysfunctional, they didn’t care what time you came in because they were always going to ask me to stay an extra hour or so past my time anyway. I was never horrendously late, anywhere between 10-30 minutes would occur. Yet, I would almost always stay anywhere between 30 minutes to an 1 and a half even past the time I was scheduled for. So of course now coming into a new job, I had to fix this pattern but it took me a little time. I started to adjust afterwards but by the end of the 3rd month I ran into a new issue where I was going back to school for the fall semester and I had numerous instances in the week for about 3 weeks where I either had a call out or lateness because I could no longer do the original schedule they gave me when they hired me for the summer. Finally by about the end of September after haggling them about it and reminding them and just back and fourth they gave me an appropriate schedule I could work with but a few days later, after evaluating my performance overall, they fired me. That devastated  me, because 1, who wants to get fired from a job and 2, I already had so much Trauma from the earlier months within that year. so I fervently searched for a new job while stretching the financial aid check during the last couple of months of 2012. I didn’t want to look irresponsible or childish or go a long period without a job to then have to rely on my mother or sister to financially take care of me and for them to feel bothered or burdened by it. So I was jumping for joy, when once more the first job that called me in for interview, offered me the job. Duane Reade was meant to be temporary, a job to help me get back on my feet after 2012 was a year of horrible experiences. ( One more horrible experience happened at the end of that year but it’s not job related so I won’t go into the details. Once again, I struggled adjusting. My main focus was school, especially since the fall semester was such a prosperous one for me. I received all A’s and made the dean’s list and it made me feel so good, like I was my old self still. Anyway, the first few months were tumultuous  handling my spring 2013 semester( which was a fairly decent one, I still made dean’s list) and had fieldwork during the day to do for the one education class I had taken. The staff was okay for the most part, I was grateful that they weren’t hood and horrible like the staff at my first job. I had an interview for bath and body works in the fall of that year and I was almost in and everything, the manager just needed my managerial reference to come through. I had kennedy ( the one decent manager I had from burger king) on there, however, he kept not picking up the phone. She asked if I had another manager possibly to speak to, and of course century was out of the question. something in me felt like I couldn’t really use them since they were the ones that fired me and also because I didn’t really have a manager there, I had like 8 managers and not one that actually knew me. So I used my current head manager, and although he talked me up and secured me the job, he stabbed me in the back shortly after. He bought up my wanting to leave and convinced me to stay. I already had the hardship or my last two jobs, especially Century, that I feared possibly being out of work. He seriously made me fear leaving and said that they might not work with my school schedule, and that once I leave, I cant come back to this store. So I conceded because he was a selfish jerk.... staff wise...  There was a girl there who really had a mood swing issue that made it difficult to work with her at times, as well as an shift leader/assistant manager who I strongly disliked for his childlike demeanor, insensitivity and just overall eww-ness. I will never forget how on one particular day I had diarrhea and instead of allowing me to go home after telling him I wasn’t feeling well, he sent home another co-worker of mine for either not being prepared for work that day or for disrespect. So you would rather keep a sick employee at work and send a unprepared and/or disrespectful one home? I hated conflict so much, so me speaking up more than the two times that I did, wasn’t something I was trying to do. So I grin and bared through the day. Guess what happened that night? About maybe an half an hour or an hr before my shift was done, I accidentally had a little accident and had some poop in my underwear from a leak that came out before I could make it to the bathroom. So that night with uncomfortable underwear on, I hurried home. And in the midst of the bus ride to my house, my phone was stolen. Normally, I would’ve been sitting down and or on my phone but I didn’t even want to sit on the bus or on the train ride before the bus because of my underwear being soiled. In a moment of vulnerability, where I had just quickly slipped my phone from my bag pocket and placed it back in the side pocket, a guy was behind me and slipped it out and walked out the back door in less than 2 minutes. And just like that my phone was gone after a horrid day at work. That should’ve told me to leave that store, but I kept the fear of a new job either not working with my schedule or possibly being a problematic job and firing me, that I stayed. Around the end of 2015, more so going into the 2016, I met a person who unfortunately stole the last flickers of light I had left in me. In 2016 I was still okay, almost done finally, with college and trying to just wrap that up and once I wrapped that up I knew I was going to leave the store once and for all. But here he comes along with his sad stories and made me feel so much pity and sorrow for him, I ended up being with him for four years. And I suffered for 3 and a half of those years. And even now, with 3-4 months of no longer being with him, I still suffer from all the ways he stole time, health and piece of mind from me. The last 8-9 years of my life, have been filled with so much trauma and hardship I don’t have it in me anymore. I have so much anxiety and lack of enthusiasm for my life. I spend every day angry and sad at what has become of my life. And I apologize to my 16 year old self everyday. I’ve also realized I have many half assed, bare minimum and toxic friends and family. So hooray for me. It’s so hard because there is so much that I want to do, so much that I wanted to be. And I had ambition and independence since I was a teenager. I even volunteered by myself in the summer of my sophomore year of high school for a food pantry when most kids at 15 were probably trying to find guys to have their first time with and get the newest clothes and electronics. 

Now I have all this damage, health conditions, and teeth and mouth trauma, all of which could’ve been avoided.

Life sucks.

[otto-von-stirlitz]

WicDiv #29

As usual, some half-baked spoilery thoughts on the latest issue.

Hey Baal, it’s really nice seeing you at your very beginning! @thewickedandthehufflepuff i agree with what you wrote about how Baal has changed, I have headcanoned him to have had a nice, supporting and loving family, and then having lost everything because of the great darkness, in a it-was-not-his-fault-he-was-doomed way. This would set a big difference between him and few other pantheon members in a way of ‘is it worse to have experienced good things within your family to lose it, or to never have known happines within it?’ Ya know, “all happy families are alike...”

Cass keeps getting paler and paler, so i keep worrying about her. I realized that it’s probably only Woden who can see on a regular basis how much Norns and Dio keep pushing themselves to the point of physical deterioration. Not good, not only bc hes a living shit, but also bc he too has shown self-destructive behaviour with coke (but which god hasnt)

And speaking of destructive behaviours, I feel like Sakhmet not comforting Persephone and stuff is just a side effect of her philosophy of trying to not ccare at all. It’s interesting comparing the gods’ views on other people, where Dio is all about making people happy, Laura wants to help gods, but Persephone has learned to much for Sakhmet, Inannna is theoretically empathetic but still manages to hurt Baal and disrespect his views on fidelity by sleeping with Luci... its a good theme for a bigger meta.

Another god who’s making me worried is Mini. She had bad parents, but she was still traumatised by loosing them and almost being murdered by another parental figure whom she lost as well, she’s probably slipping into teenage alcoholism (and no amount of genre-savviness is going to help), and now her morals are being tested by Baal,the last parental figure standing. She’s almost reaching the Baudelaire levels of unfortunate.

Morrigan’s coat... it’s such A Look, but so is Persephone in a bun, with every issue I love McKelvie more and more, and im not even into fashion normally

Has The Church of Baphonysus risen again? (to quote @jonblake‘s words on fb: ‘joe and his fucking ships becoming canon’). I may be digging that ship more actively than before.

Somebody already asked if that bridge is going to be chekhovs gun, but for me ‘late 2016′ felt like a reminder that everyone is going to be dead before those regular londoners will have their bridge back. sad, but what isn’t sad in this book?

Persephone quoting Baph... this book loves its paralels, the reread after the ending is going to be so worth it and so hurtful, im calling it. also i feel strongly about the fact that Persephone’s bad decisions are amplified by the sheer fact of godhood...

It’s funny seeing that the action ends up on 7th march, just a day before my 18th birthday. Is something terrible going to happen on womens day? That said, Netflix and kill is a #MOOD.

I guess that’s it as of today, I may come up with some better and deeper and wiser thoughts later, 

[5hfanfiction]

coming out (5/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: things aren’t gonna make sense for a quick second because im doing a time jump in light of the recent events with fifth harmony. this is after the break up. keep this in mind as you read. enjoy, ily xxx.

also, i know i said i’d stop writing camren fan fiction but just because camila has left doesn’t mean i should stop. its what i love to do. in all honesty, i am completely aware of the fact that laucy may be much realer than camren ever was and i respect that relationship and am so glad lucy is making lauren as happy as she seems lately but camren will always be apart of me and i’ll keep writing about it.

to my fellow camren shippers, i know living in your own fantasy may seem nice but please respect the fact that there is an extremely strong possibility that lauren and lucy are dating. it may not be camila but understand that lucy makes lauren happy and at the end of the day, that’s what all of us harmonizers should strive for; our girls and their happiness. who we want them to be with isn’t always who they are meant to be with.

as much as we hate to admit it, they are grown adults who are perfectly capable of making their own choices and know themselves way more than we know them so please in simple respect, stop with the conspiracy theories and just be glad and grateful that our girl has someone special in her life.

when she’s sad, angry, or simply needs a hug and reassurance, keep in mind that lucy may be that person constantly there for her and not camila. camren may have felt/feel real to us but our imagination differs from actual reality. again, keep that in mind when you choose to go to lucy’s page to comment hate towards her. if she’s making lauren smile and feel confident within herself, then she’s doing her fucking job and you are nobody to come in between that.

with that being said, enjoy this chapter and stop being heartless assholes.

Lauren|

A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Her green eyes turning stone cold, she ripped her hand out of her former bandmate’s hold. “You don’t even get it!” She shouted. Her body shook with anger and sadness as she started to walk away before being pulled back by the brunette.

“Then let me in Lauren,” sadness swam in the brown orbs as they pleaded with green ones. “You never let me in anymore. Please let me in…” she whispered.

Backing away from the girl, Lauren shook her head. “Camz…”

“Please,” she whispered.

*24 Hours Earlier*

She loved the beach. It was her safe place… where she went to when the world failed her. The sand comforted her, the waters spoke to her, and the wind, oh the wind was like her best friend. The beach was where she came to when she needed to get away. When she needed to escape the hell they called life.

Pulling her feet up on the bench and bringing her knees up to her chest, she looked out into the distance. All she wanted was to be happy. But it was almost as if happiness was afraid of her.

Her eyes clouded with tears as she thought over the last couple months. Things were so good… her life was literally perfect. She had her dream girl, she had just come out and Fifth Harmony was skyrocketing. Why’d she have to ruin it?

Her heart ached as she thought back to the final spilt that happened that morning. Their label had promised the fans exciting news only for everyone to receive the most dreadful. Dinah found it hard to stay in the group after Camila’s departure. Especially after winning their People’s Choice Award and Camila not being able to come up with them. As Dinah announced her leave, Normani couldn’t find it within her to stay when her heart and soul had just left. The second oldest decided to leave alongside Dinah, pretty much destroying any means of continuing their previously undying but now dying success.

Lately she’s been going over the last four years, wondering if it was even worth it to begin with. Was it worth missing out on being a normal teenager? Was it worth passing up college? Was it worth leaving her brother and sister behind? She always knew Fifth Harmony would break up at some point but she definitely did not think they’d end everything before Little Mix. Her heart felt heavy in her chest as she thought about the British group now being the biggest girl group in the world. That use to be them.

Her mind drifted toward her long time girlfriend whom she hasn’t been able to face since the final break up of Fifth Harmony. Lucy has always been there for Lauren but for some reason she couldn’t even face her. How could she? The Colombian had such high hopes for her. Wanted her and the other girls to be so successful and its almost as if she’d let everyone down.

Her and Ally, being the only two left that had wanted to continue Fifth Harmony were forced to terminate their contract as a group, leaving only their solo contracts. Lauren couldn’t even find any form of motivation within her to continue pursuing music. She always had a reason when her girls were by her side but now… everything was numb. She didn’t want to sing or perform ever again.

She didn’t even realize when the tears had started to flow. They just came, and she couldn’t stop them even if she tried. She didn’t care for the stares of concern she got or the group of teenage girls huddled around not far from her snapping photos. She didn’t care for anything. Her heart hurt. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

She gave up everything. Her family, her education, her normalcy. And for what exactly? To continue a group that wouldn’t even make it to its fifth year? She was suppose to be living the dream right now. Traveling with her best friends doing what they loved; performing. She was suppose to be trying new fancy foods at European restaurants and meeting the fans who always seemed to make the fire in her heart light up in flames. She was suppose to be happy. But nope. Here she was, crying in a random Miami beach wishing to go back to the good old days.

Stressed out by Twenty One Pilots came to mind. “Wish we could turn back time… to the good old days,” she whispered to herself.

Standing up, she decided to leave before she ended up on the cover of some rehab magazine with a crazy headline from the paparazzi. The walk to her car felt like centuries. Her feet felt like stone as they moved slowly across the concrete sidewalk. She just wanted to get home and apologize to her girlfriend while cuddling up to her and wishing things would go back to normal.

***

“Babe, you gotta get up,” someone had waken her up from her sleep. Someone as in Lucy.

Opening one eye, she saw her girlfriends soft eyes staring back at her. She grumbled to herself as she turned on her side and brought the blanket up further over her head. Waking up was the last thing on her mind. She wanted to sleep into a coma where no one would ever hurt her again. Fuck the world. It didn’t treat her kindly anyway. “Go away,” she mumbled into the pillow.

She heard Lucy sigh as she got out of bed. “Okay,” she whispered softly. “Just… come to the kitchen whenever you’re up for it.”

Opening her eyes, her shoulder shrunk back at the sound of her girlfriends voice. “Babe… wait,” she called out. Coming out from her cocoon of blankets, she held out her arms with a sad pout. Turning around, Lucy rose an eyebrow. Lauren huffed as she sat all the way up. “I’m sorry,” she muttered out after a few moments.

Lucy shrugged, “It’s okay. You can go back to bed,” she replied, getting ready to leave again.

“Thats the thing Luce, its not,” her heart thumped in her chest loudly as she ran a tired hand through her hair. Not understanding, Lucy slowly made her way back over to the green eyed and sat at the foot of the bed. Lauren gulped lightly, “It’s not okay.”

“What’s not okay?”

Throwing her hands up in exasperation, she sighed loudly. “Everything,” she cursed herself when she felt her voice crack. “Everything is just so fucked up Lucy. Can you believe all that’s happened in the last few months? I was suppose to be the glue that held everyone together and… I failed a simple fucking job,” she beat herself up. It was an awful habit but she couldn’t help it. “Maybe if I was kinder to Camila she wouldn’t have left,” she thought. “Maybe if I wasn’t such an asshole to her all those months, she wouldn’t have left. If i was just kinder she’d still be here, so will Dinah, Normani and Ally. We’d still be a group… we’d still be sister.”

Lucy sighed softly as she reached over to pull her girlfriend in for a much needed hug. “Listen to be Laur,” she spoke softly near her ear. “No matter what you would’ve done, Camila still would have left. This is not your fault. She was working on solo music since Late January of 2016. That’s way back last year. Her goal was to fuck you guys over. She didn’t even show up to any of the meetings Simon arranged before the final spilt,” Lucy paused as she attempted to gather her thoughts. “Dinah, well you know wherever Camila goes, she’ll follow like a lost puppy. Normani would follow Dinah to the fucking moon. Fifth Harmony died when Camila started keeping secrets and that is not your fault nor will it ever be baby girl. I promise.”

Lauren stayed silent for awhile. She wanted to defend Camila, give her the benefit of the doubt. Hope that Lucy may just have a bad impression with her but deep down she knew it was pretty much true. Her chest felt tight as she thought about it. She tried to hold it in… really, she did. But it just came ripping through her. Her body shook slightly as the first sob escaped her lips. She hated crying, especially over something like this. It was over. Done. So why did it still hurt so much?

Why did she even care? Camila left knowing Lauren hated her. Why was it such a big deal now? Why was she blaming herself for Camila’s own selfishness? She needed to get her shit together; fast.

***

Fresh air. That’s what she needed. Her body felt calm and relaxed as she walked through the streets of Miami. For the first time in awhile, the tight aching in her chest had subsided and a small ounce of contentment took over. A faint smile graced her lips as she finally felt herself for a little while.

Counting each palm tree she passed by in her head, a smile formed on her face. Its been awhile since she smiled. Who knew something as small as walking could make her day.

Looking up, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She probably looked crazy with a dopey grin on her lips while staring up at the sky with her eyes closed but she was happy. Nothing was going to ruin this once in a life time moment for her.

Okay, maybe one thing was. Maybe walking with her head titled up and eyes closed wasn’t the best idea. Her bliss instantly vanished and embarrassment took over as she bumped into someone.

Quickly bringing her head back down and opening her eyes, she got ready to apologize but the words got stuck in her throat as she looked at the person before her. Well, people, before her. One of them caught her eye and the other she’s obviously seen through the media that went even crazier than when she had come out.

Before her stood her former bandmate and her supposed girlfriend Lola McKatie who looked an awful lot like her. Previous contentment and happiness got replaced by anger and sadness. She struggled to speak as her eyes stayed glued on the girl who had dyed her hair an ashy brown color. Her brown eyes popped with the new color and her tan skin looked amazing but Lauren was never going to say that out loud. Or anything for that matter.

Shaking her head, she started to walk around the couple when she felt someone grab her arm and call out her name. Someone as in Camila fucking Cabello.

“Lauren, wait,” her voice sounded almost pleading like.

A sarcastic chuckle fell from her lips as she ripped her arm away, “Don’t fucking touch me again,” she growled out with her back still turned to them.

“Laur-”

“Don’t talk to her like that!”

Turning around, Lauren faced Camila’s new girlfriend. She looked her up and down before chuckling to herself. “Yeah, okay. When you stop looking like a human animation of a Bratz Doll.”

The obvious offense in the girls features amused Lauren. Sighing to herself, she spared Camila and her new girl toy one last glance before walking away. A small wave of relief crashed over her when Camila didn’t try to stop her again.

Taking a deep breath to compose herself, she willed the anger to dissolve. Camila wasn’t worth it; pun intended.

Her heart raced in her chest, her stomach feeling queasy as she thought back to just a few moments ago. It feels like its been so long since she’s last seen her but it was merely a few months. She remembered how her chest contracted when she made eye contact with the former band member. How she almost froze. She never understood why and or how Camila was able to make so many emotions cloud her at once by simply doing nothing. It overwhelmed her.

She just needed to get home and forget that encounter. But of course the universe hated her and stopped at nothing to make her life hell.

“Lauren!” Her body froze at the voice.

Stopping in her tracks, she forced her breathing to even out. Why must you hate me God, she thought to herself.

She had half a mind to continue walking but she knew Camila Cabello did not and will not stop. She felt the anxiety creeping up as she turned around to face the girl who seemed to be alone now.

Brown eyes appeared to be on guard as she slowly approached. Lauren watched as Camila visibly gulped harshly before stopping in front of Lauren.

A small awkward silence passed by as the two former bandmates just stared at each other. Sighing, Lauren spoke, “What do you want Camila?”

“Long time no see I guess,” the small Latina mumbled with a small awkward giggle. When Lauren kept her stone like expression, the giggle died off into awkward silence. “I just uh was around and saw you. How are you?”

“Fine,” Lauren answered shortly. Sighing again, she rubbed her forehead in exhaustion. “Again, what do you want Camila?”

“I just wanted to say hi,” she said quietly.

“Well you’ve said it. Bye,” she turned to walk away again when Camila grabbed her arm for the second time that day. Her body went up in flames as the shaky hand took hold of her arm.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out suddenly. Brown orbs swam with anxiety as they darted back and forth. “For-for leaving like that. Please don’t hate me anymore.”

A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Her green eyes turning stone cold, she ripped her hand out of her former bandmate’s hold. “You don’t even get it!” She shouted. Her body shook with anger and sadness as she started to walk away before being pulled back by the brunette.

“Then let me in Lauren,” sadness swam in the brown orbs as they pleaded with green ones. “You never let me in anymore. Please let me in…” she whispered.

Backing away from the girl, Lauren shook her head. “Camz…”

“Please,” she whispered.

Looking down, Lauren shook her head. “I stopped letting you in when you started shutting me out,” she said softly.

Prying Camila’s hand off her, she walked away.

***

a/n: fuck, this was so hard for me to write. i hope you guys liked it. sorry for the long break, i just needed to understand where i stood since the news and everything. i hope y'all are still with me. what did you think of this chapter? let me know in the comments and don’t forget to vote.

for my tumblr readers, my wattpad is wthbello and you can comment and vote on this story there too if you’d like. also a bomb ass cover ;) follow me there and check out this story there.

thanks so much for reading all of you.

SORRY I DIDNT EDIT!

ellianna, (elli) xxxxxxxxxxx

[intoxicatingswift]

the 1:

God the line if my wishes came true it would've been you OK THAT HIT

this feels like a iftye but like folklore version

UGH THE BRIDGE ACTUALLY HIT why was this my exact mood yesterday I already called it I knew I needed this album

cardigan:

can i just say im here for taylors lower tone

A FRIEND TO ALL IS A FRIEND TO NONE ok facts

the Peter losing Wendy line really got me cuz that used to be a thing w me n some1 *cries*

chasing shadows in the grocery line nooo

this is like an other side of the door but folkmore IDK IT JUST REMINDS ME OF IT

the last great american dynasty:

god i had to restart it 3 times my fam r so noisy pls.

i really feel like the stripped back style of production really allows taylors lyrics and storytelling within songs to shine. like ive got the maddest mental images of screaming matches between Rebecca and bills family and small town style rumours passing from someone to another

mental music video basically and also u can see the strength of rebecca which is only paralleled by smth ive experienced from books/TV? imagine the skill it takes to tell such a story in a few minutes that people see in 358 pages or 12 1hr installations

EXILE YES BON IVER:

can u tell im excited for this one

ughhh his harmonies are always *chef's kiss*

side note this rly is pushing me and giving me a better sense of identity for the sort of music I want to make thank u Taylor 🥺

god taylor urs and bon ivers voices go together so beautifully u both know how to make a harmony so good

the metaphors are so.... UGH I LOVE

my tears ricochet:

im in love with the vocalising in the intro omg

if I'm on fire you'll be made of ashes too yes hunger games let's go (no for real I just re read it and loved it again so)

ok no the lyrics on this one just HIT me particularly even tho I'm gonna say that on every song OK

I feel like theres a lwymmd ref in here 😶

the line I didn't have it in myself to go with grace spoke to me like i feel like that was extracted directly from my brain

still can't believe we actually got a whole album wth

mirrorball:

MIRRORBALL U COUNTRY BEAUTY

this song just feels like calm vibes as a blanket, stolen kisses

bro.... i literally wrote half a song with the lyrics that have the same gist of the bridge the whole idea of the circus no longer existing and yet u still feel like u have to perform for that one person cause u need to prove that they made the wrong choice leaving i

seven:

God her voice is hauntingly beautiful here

and though I can't recall your face I still got love for you what a beautiful way to express that you're always loved by someone even if you're no longer close, you live in memories and that's 100% enough and you're enough

THE ENTIRE SECOND VERSE IS ME AND MY FRIENDS AS TEENAGERS? God that hurt especially bc the sentiment of my prev things applies to those same people

SHOUT OUT TO INDIA TAYLOR I FEEL SO SEEN RN LMAO

august:

ahhhhh we had cruel summer and now we have august

"lost in the memory" is one of my favourite lyrics anyway and now taylors used it i

did taylor find out like the story of my life 2016- present bc like this seriously hits the "you were never mine" and the emphasis on August i

OK THE BRIDGE WAS MEEEEEE OH MY GOD how do i write my shitty album when this *gestures to entire folklore aggressively* exists.

oh the outro :( whoever said this is taylors melodrama was onto smth fr

this is me trying:

just looking at the lyrics is this ootw; the next chapter 👁️👄👁️

this is so beautifully sad

you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town okkkkkkkkkkk wow 🥺

illicit affairs:

why do i feel like this is joe and tays story post met gala👁️

YOU SHOWED ME COLOURS IS SUCH A METAPHORICALLY DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL LINE HI OOTW REFERENCE

invisible string omg OK I claimed this one pre listen:

oh crap the colour references already spoke to me bc long ago I had a concept to link songs to colours

also the idea of storybook romance as well with the "used to think I'd meet somebody there"

i love the invisible string theory also oh my god

BAD BLOOD OMG this is such a random detail abt how Joe heard bad blood the first time he was in LA and I love it

LMAO not taylor getting recognised on their anniversary trip 😭

also can i just say the plucking strings keeping the same rhythm/volume the way through somehow contributes to the invisible string theory i loooooveeeeee the lyric/music matching here (did i just somehow compare this to vq matching? think so ok maybe there's hope for me as a medic yet 💀)

taylor rly said fuck adam tom and whoever else Joe is it

OK THE REFERENCES TO GOLD HI DWOHT

ALSO PURPLE PINK SKIES HELLO INTHAF AKA MY STAN SONG WHICH EVERYONE SLEEPS ON

safe to say i made a correct choice stanning this song pre listen ahahaah

mad woman:

the chords on this i am in love, the chaos of the string instruments yessss

here for the strength lol

this is i did something bad but quiet scary angry version

CALLED IT HELLO IDSB REFERENCE

ugh the delicacy in how the words are pronounced in the second chorus shows how hurt and strong u can be simultaneously

mirrored ofc by the soft piano and percussion of hand claps ugh taylor im so happy u made this album

epiphany:

im getting let it all go vibes from this also bon iver

oh it's coronavirus :( yeah

side note wear a mask this seriously was unprecedented and ik at my work (icu) while I was FT we had a couple boxes of antiviral ppe and I did a shift just as things got bad here and it was all completely gone. at the time we'd only had a couple query covid cases so pls. WEAR A MASK ESP U LOT ON THE TUBE/TFL RAIL

i feel like this song reflects how slow the pain can be when ur losing someone like literally watching their breaths slow and also the emotional pain.

betty:

omg this is one of the teenager love story three aaahhhhh it's so cute BUT I SERIOUSLY REMEMBER THE TEENAGE ANGST oh man i Really do

also hello country tay

ugh all ur stupid friends it seriously sounds like 17 year old boy 😭

peace:

LOVE THAT GUITAR RIFF YES AM SO HERE FOR THAT

I made good choices in the songs I chose pre listen all of this is literal poetry and I'm so glad I can focus on the lyrics more because of the production yes i know I already said that

DREAMSCAPES I LOVE THAT WORD I WAS JUST THINKING I NEED TO INCORPORATE IT INTO A SONG

the i-i-id in I'd swing with you for the fences, the delicacy in "give you a child"

now I see your brother as my brother hello paper rings reference (it's not even but yall know)

the rain (paps/media) can well and truly fuck off

"would it be enough if I could never give you peace" actual poetry.

hoax:

i love the dainty piano ugh that HIGH night

the octave differences on the chorus

don't want no other shade of blue hello paper rings

OK this one has a lot to unpack tbh i probably will pore over this like the English poetry i missed out on by choosing stem

also fuck kimberly lmao

[writingguide003-blog]

10 inspiring female writers you need to read

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/10-inspiring-female-writers-you-need-to-read/

10 inspiring female writers you need to read

As a response to Gay Taleses failure to name any inspirational female writers, we asked our readers to explain why and how these authors changed their lives

It is hard to believe that this piece is still necessary. We long for the day when we dont have to single out authors or anyone of any walk of life, for that matter for their gender, but here we are again. Last weekend, author and New Journalism father Gay Talese was asked to name women writers who had inspired him at a Boston University event, to which he answered: None. He reportedly went on to say that educated women dont want to hang out with anti-social people, according to what journalist Amy Littlefield, who was in the audience, told the Washington Post.

Undoubtedly, the hashtag #womengaytaleseshouldread started bubbling on Twitter, and plenty of suggestions were made here is a tiny selection from authors:

Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) April 5, 2016

Women writers who inspired me: Enid Blyton, Richmal Crompton, PL Travers, Margaret Storey, Ursula LeGuin, Baroness Orczy, Diana Wynne Jones

Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) April 5, 2016

More women writers who inspired me: Wilmar Shiras, Shirley Jackson, Lisa Tuttle, Mary Shelley, Anne Rice, Scheherazade, Judith Merrill…

Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) April 5, 2016

Even More Women Writers Who Inspired Me: Joanna Russ, Hope Mirrlees, Joy Chant, Angela Carter, Madeleine LEngle, James Tiptree Jr, Kit Reed

John Scalzi (@scalzi) April 4, 2016

And Now, An Incomplete List of Women Writers Who Inspire Me: https://t.co/mxrYOFFE5r pic.twitter.com/7H8JaWgTgQ

roxane gay (@rgay) April 2, 2016

I hope no one expected Talese, who doesn’t wear jeans, to think well of women. IDGAF about his opinions.

We have celebrated female authors on the Books site before, but we contacted some of our readers and asked them to tell us which female writers shaped their lives. Here are 10 of the most mentioned authors, in no particular order, and what our readers had to say about them:

1. Doris Lessing (1919 – 2013)

Doris Lessing working at a typewriter, circa 1950. Photograph: Paul Popper/Popperfoto/Getty Images

In my twenties, I was a foreigner in London. Reading Lessings subtly brilliant short story Out of the Fountain, I had that Keatsian feeling of a new world coming into view. As I read my way into the books of this fellow exile, her range and depth emerged from psychological portraits in granular detail, to vast explorations of cataclysm and survival. Class, sex, old age, childhood, the inner workings of politics, the wilder shores of the psyche she embraced complexity and got under the skin of the human condition with piercing acuity. This was writing from the frontiers of experience and utterly mind-stretching.

The two landmarks, for me, are Shikasta, her monumental portrait of humanity, and The Four-Gated City (part of the Children of Violence series), Lessings visionary mapping of London and the no-mans-land between psychosis and sanity this book opened doors for me. Her understanding of resilience and transformation in the midst of upheaval is profound. In our obfuscating times, we continue to need that eye. barbkay.

Start with: The Golden Notebook Hailed as one of the key texts of the womens movement of the 1960s, this study of a divorced single mothers search for personal and political identity remains a defiant, ambitious tour de force, wrote Robert McCrum.

Further reading:

I was the cuckoo in the nest Writer Jenny Diski tells the story of how she lived with Lessing as a teenager

My hero: Doris Lessing by Margaret Drabble Doris would invite herself to lunch with me in Hampstead, when the mood took her. I never dared to say no

Doris Lessing in her own words on the Guardian books podcast

She helped change the way women are perceived, and perceive themselves by Guardian Review editor Lisa Allardice

2. Toni Morrison (born 1931)

Toni Morrison in a 1982 image. Photograph: Reg Innell/Toronto Public Library

When we asked readers for their favourite books by women, many replied with anything and everything written by Toni Morrison. Here are but a few.

Toni Morrisons Beloved is the best book I have ever read. A horror story in every sense. I re-read it as soon as I had finished it. Chilling, difficult, painful, but absolutely brilliant. afiercebadrabbit

Beloved. Its odd reading a book at which you are simultaneously repulsed at how you feel and yet you understand exactly why you feel that way. Shes a terrific writer. getebi

I love every word shes written, with Beloved at the top of my list. Im also sad to see few writers from non-Anglo Saxon cultures listed as there are so many superb writers from other traditions. The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy is my favourite book of all time, and I also adore Elif Shafak, whose fiction and essays as well as her talks are outstandingly fresh and insightful. Read The Flea Palace and The Bastard of Istanbul. spraos

Start with: Beloved If Beloved represents the terrible pain and suffering of a people whose very mother-love is warped by torture into murder, she is no thin allegory or shrill tract. This is a huge, generous, humane and gripping novel, wrote A S Byatt

Further reading:

Im writing for black people I dont have to apologise interview by Hermione Hoby

Tea with Toni Morrison, by SL Bridglal

Toni Morrison on her novels: I think goodness is more interesting

Her 1993 Nobel lecture

3. Ursula K Le Guin (born 1929)

The Earthsea trilogy is absolutely magnificent: poetry, wisdom, sadness, satisfaction, fantasy, realism. Far better dragons than Tolkiens or George RR Martins, far better written the whole shebang, except for humour. But then, Tolstoy didnt go in for jokes much either. She taught me that there is nothing wrong with life or with death: the one is to be delighted in, the other accepted Daniel Mccormick in Coatbridge, Scotland

The Earthsea books by Ursula K Le Guin, which as an adult I find have greater moral depth than Tolkien and are better written and more focused than George RR Martins. QuesoManchego

The Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula Le Guin has been something of a personal bible since I was a child. punkmonkey

Ursula Le Guin during an interview in San Francisco in 1985. Photograph: M. Klimek/Bettmann/CORBIS

Start with: The Earthsea series or The Left Hand of Darkness they are some of the very few titles which I would be confident enough to name as true classics, novels that will endure well beyond our lifetimes, wrote Alison Flood

Further reading:

My inspiration: SF Said on Ursula Le Guin

Ursula Le Guin: Wizardry is artistry

Gentlemen, I just dont belong here her fantastic 1987 letter, responding to a request asking her to write a blurb for a science fiction anthology that contained no female voices

4. Virginia Woolf (1882-1941)

To the Lighthouse, The Waves, Orlando, Jacobs Room. Virginia Woolf. Because you can taste every word. Lope82

Mrs Dalloway, elegant and lyrical stream of consciousness that I prefer to Joyce. alloleo

Virginia Woolf. Photograph: George C. Beresford/Getty Images

I would like to put in a word for Virginia Woolf, and especially for the under-appreciated Orlando, where the long-lived protagonist starts out as a young nobleman before becoming a wife and mother. The book runs from Elizabethan England to 1928 and says a lot about the position of women while being both clever and funny. Perhaps Woolf is a bit too literary for some tastes, but Mrs Dalloway, To the Lighthouse , The Waves and A Room of Ones Own must surely speak to many. I think (hope) she will come to be recognised as one of the greatest writers of the 20th century. JackSchofield

To The Lighthouse, it had a huge impact on me when I first read it. It really made me consider and reconsider how I think and find direction. I loved Lily Briscoe and that devastatingly matter-of-fact middle chapter/section that splits the novel. There are so many books by women that I love, but TTL is my favourite. daveportivo

Pretty much all of Woolf, whom I read voraciously during the late 90s and still dip into now and then for a quick dose of writerly inspiration. Hard to pick any one favorite, fiction or non-fiction. But A Room of Ones Own changed my life.Jenny Bhatt

Start with: Mrs DallowayWoolfs great novel makes a day of party preparations the canvas for themes of lost love, life choices and mental illness, wrote Robert McCrum

Further reading:

Portraits of Virginia Woolf: here, the true face of the modern writer

Virginia Woolf should live on, but not because of her death, by Holly Williams

Woolf it down: on how the Bloomsbury set shows they were almost as obsessed with eating as with art

5. Clarice Lispector (1920 – 1977)

If a writer such as Clarice Lispector is to be considered significant from a feminist point of view, then it would probably be due to the absence of anything in her work or life which could be said to resemble the stereotype of the Lady Novelist. As well as living like a sort of secular hermit, her writing is elusive and mystical, being much less concerned with plot and character than with abstract ideas, such as The Apple in the Darks consideration of the nature of artistic creation or Agua Vivas obsessive focus on trying to isolate single moments in time. Although she could write movingly about womens experiences (especially in The Hour of the Star), her almost stubborn unworldliness otherwise gives the lie to the awful old clich that women are somehow deficient in considering the abstract, and shows that women are as unrestricted in subject matter as men. She really is one of the oddest and most individual writers Ive read.Jacob Howarth in Oxford

Clarice Lispector. Photograph: Courtesy Paulo Gurgel Valente

I heard of her just a month ago, from a Korean American friend. All I can say about her at this stage is that she knows me better than I do. I am reading The Complete Stories published 2015, which is full of lovely and shocking surprises. I finish one of her stories with a huge grin that lasts all day, another story may leave me arguing with myself … each one is having an profound impact on me.

She inspires me more than any other author in this second half of my life. Her uniquely fluid style reveals a mind so perspicacious, so permissively poetic and utterly radical. As a feisty feminist, I find peace in Lispectors reveries; she defies convention at every level by writing from deep within her psyche, embracing human flaws and foibles as perfectly natural. Her trademark self-acceptance is so refreshingly robust that I have found myself at times interrupting my reading with whoops of awe and admiration for her freedom of thought and spirit. Mars Drum

Start with: The Hour of the Star all the Brazillian authors talents and eccentricities come together in her most famous, final novella about a poor typist in Rio, says Colm Tibn

Further reading:

A brief survey of the short story, part 56: This darkly addictive Brazilian writer is more concerned with perceptions of objects than conventional plot structures, wrote Chris Power

The True Glamour of Clarice Lispector, by Benjamin Moser for the New Yorker

Brazils Virginia Woolf, by Brenda Cronin for the Wall Street Journal

6. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (born 1977)

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichies Americanah has moved me like no other in recent memory. I would describe it as transformational because it provided an insight into the reality of what it means to be a young, ambitious, highly intelligent, sometimes single black woman in contemporary America. Its an honest book about race, identity and the constant longing and nostalgia one feels for this metaphorical place called home. I was also moved by the story because it touchingly describes the loving relationship between the two central characters, showcasing that neither space nor time can erase love.

We usually go back to the same desires and preferences we had as 15-year-olds, and Americanah captures this sentiment. Moreover, it is a transformational book because it portrays Nigeria as a place that is mythical, marvellous, chaotic and slightly dangerous, yet also wildly fascinating, with a magnetic power to attract its brightest emigrs back to its shores. Reading this has made me realise that some of the most powerful narratives in contemporary fiction have been written by young, highly educated female African writers, who are tired of the old clichs frequently bandied around about Africa. Ngozi Adichie is a new, powerful and incredibly talented voice; her novel Americanah is the expression of a different African tale, of a continent and its people that have many more magnetic stories to tell, as well as critiques to raise about the so-called enlightened West. beograd

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, photographed in 2007. Photograph: Felix Clay for the Guardian

Start with: Americanah a superb dissection of race in the UK and the USA, wrote Elizabeth Day

Further reading:

I decided to call myself a Happy Feminist her world-famous TED talk

Dont we all write about love? When men do it, its a political comment. When women do it, its just a love story interview by Emma Brockes

Every 16-year-old in Sweden will receive copy of We Should All Be Feminists

7. Margaret Atwood (born 1939)

The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood. She predicted all that is happening today in that book. shofmann

Everything about it is scarily easy to imagine. Her descriptions of how women began to be punished for abortions reminds me of legislation happening right now in the USA, for example. getebi

Start with: The Handmaids Tale Atwoods chilling tale of a concubine in an oppressive future America is more vital than ever, wrote Charlotte Newman

Further reading:

Haunted by The Handmaids Tale – Atwood on the legacy of her iconic novel

Margaret Atwood webchat her answers to your questions

I set myself a schedule of three to five pages a day Atwood on writing

8. Zadie Smith (born 1975)

White Teeth, by Zadie Smith. Could read it over and over again. Sarah Hassam

Zadie Smith, photographed at the Edinburgh books festival in 2001. Photograph: Murdo Macleod for the Guardian

On Beauty by Zadie Smith is absolutely brilliant. Smith is often categorized first by race and gender and thus is never considered the peer of other modern literary fiction writers like Franzen and Rushdie, but she easily beats them at their own style. emason1121

Start with: White Teeth, a novel on the lives of various multicultural families living in London; an audaciously assured contribution to this process of staring into the mirror, wrote Caryl Philipps

Further reading:

Fail better: What makes a good writer? Is writing an expression of self, or, as TS Eliot argued, an escape from personality? Thanks to Jenny Bhatt and MildGloster for pointing us towards this 2007 essay.

Windows on the Will: Smiths essay about watching the new Charlie Kaufman film Anomalisa, and Arthur Schopenhauer, was recently published on the New York Review of Books. I went to see Anomalisa, largely because of how interesting Smith made it seem, shared MildGloster.

9. Elena Ferrante (born 1943)

Of the many beautifully wrought themes explored in Elena Ferrantes masterful Neapolitan series, one that especially speaks to me, as a woman, is the question of what it means to attain presence versus what it means to disappear. Lila and Len, the central characters, each struggles to not disappear, despite the forces of class, history, and violence conspiring against them as women. Each tries to avoid what Lila loathingly describes as the problem of dissolving margins, when the outlines of people and things suddenly dissolved, disappeared. Reading Ferrante has led me to wonder: How many times have I, as a woman, faced being erased in relationships, in career, in the larger social order? How many far less-privileged women, in hostile corners of the world, face the threat of vanishing completely, dissolving into the boundaries of others without a trace? Veronica Majerol, New York, NY

Start with: The Days of Abandonment, a short novel Ferrante wrote before her famous Neapolitan series a great taster, and brilliant in its own right.

Further reading:

Elena Ferrante: the global literary sensation nobody knows

Elena Ferrante: Anonymity lets me concentrate exclusively on writing an interview by Deborah Orr

10. Angela Carter (1940 – 1992)

When I was at university I saw someone give a paper on Angela Carters dystopian masterpiece The Passion of New Eve. It was probably another year or so before I got my hands on a copy but I was not disappointed.

The premise alone a man captured by radical feminists and surgically transformed into a woman so that he may bear the messiah was enough to pique my interest, but it was Carters hallucinatory prose and rich symbolism that made this novel unforgettable. elbartonfink

Start with: Nights at the Circus the story of winged circus performer Sophie Fevverss travels through 19th-century Europe, that was named the best-ever winner of Britains oldest literary prize, the James Tait Black award.

English novelist Angela Carter sitting on a park bench in Paris in 1988. Photograph: Sophie Bassouls/Corbis

Further reading:

Angela Carter: a portrait in postcards

A brief survey of the short story: Angela Carter, by Chris Power

Femme fatale: Angela Carters subversive take on traditional fairy stories in The Bloody Chamber is as shocking today as when the collection first appeared in 1979, wrote Helen Simpson

We are painfully aware that this list could go forever. So, please, add more authors to the conversation by leaving your thoughts in the comments.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[takemetohelena]

</2017>

Halloooo 2018! Time really flies fast when you’re wasting your life hahaha. 2017 was fun, definitely better than 2015 and 2016 hahaha. Eto ata yung year na pinakamaraming naging ganap in lifeu. First yung mga nacheck ko muna sa bucketlist ko hahahaha.

🌋VISIT A VOLCANO

Taal Volcano yas!! It wasn’t on our plan to hike it but we did, umuusok yung lupa amazing. Details: takemetohelena.tumblr.com/post/159747455034/041017-going-south

🏃🏻‍♀️ RUN A MARATHON

Night run at UPANG with Rose, Pine, Charm and Ali hoho. We didn’t actually run tho, more like night walk yan hahaha. I’m not sure kung may post ako bout that here, basta after that we drank wine and sleepover kila rose yay, late bday celeb ko din ata yun hahaha.

📅 NO ABSENCES IN SCHOOL FOR A MONTH

Basta nacheck ko to so it happened. Hahahahaha

💧WATERFALLS

Antong Yays!!! I should’ve made a solo entry about this pero wala di ko nagawa, it was so fun!!! Kasi hapon na kami pumunta so kami lang tao and umaambon pa kasi may bagyo ata that time. What a perfect time to have an adventure diba hahaha. Hindi ako nahirapan sa hike kasi similar to Quezon ung place haha pero si Alison, nyeaam hahaha nasira paperbag nya, naputol tsinelas nya, and naputikan af sya hahaha. Medyo creepy lang kasi may engkanto-ish feels sya nun kasi maraming kweba tapos malalim hhahaha. Merong pagtatalounan na mataas kaya lang walang G tumalon kaya di na din ako tumalon hahaha pero gusto kooo. Tapos ginabi na kami pauwi and we got lost, lowbat ang mga phones with kidlat kidlat pa. There i thought, ‘i like thisss’ nakakatakot pero i like like like hahaha. Imagine gabi in the middle of nowhere, i feel like we were in a horror movie hahaha, i loved the thrill talaga, tapos diretso lang kami sa lakad then pagtingala namin andun yung bridge na dinaanan namin nung papunta hahaha. May 1hr din ata kami nagwait ng bus padagupan then we bought soju, na si roselyn lang din ang uminom. Sleepover at rose’s again!!

🎥 BE IN A THRILLER FILM/MOVIE

Hikbi, directed by kuya desmond. Professional videographer sya kaya i was soo feeeling it hahahaha. Tapos kasama ko pa si anthony(HUHUHUHU), he was the killer, idk kung pano ko nacontain ung kilig and hiya ko everytime we had a likey scene like ung kaming dalawa sa bonfire while im holding a gitara, when he hugged me from behind while holding a knife(eeeeeek) nakamadaming takes unHAHHAHA. Tapos when he dragged me by the hair, he kept asking me kung nasasaktan nya ba ako. OO nasasaktan mo ako ngayon! HAHAHHA char only. Basta when kuya des’ says “action!” feeling ko artista na ako and hindi na ako si helena hahaha ganun ba feeling, try ko kaya mag artista tae joke ang papangit ng angles ko HAHAHAH. Pero nagawa yun! I’m amazed hahahha

📹 WATCH CINEMA ALONE

Guardians of the Galaxy!! Sad ako that time eh, i dont remember why, i was fighting na hindi mahulog ung luha ko kahit funny yung nangyayari hahahaha. Tbh i didn’t understand what happened sa movie, nung tapos na ung movie i texted alison and sumunod sya, we watched it again and un naintindihan ko na hahahaha. Naisip ko baka di counted yan kasi sumunod si Alison hahaha. Pinanood ko din ung Kita Kita alone because again, sad c acoe hahaha same shit naiiyak ako not because of the movie but because of my lifeu hahaha. 

🍺 DRINK A BEER

Feeling ko dinaya ko to kasi sip lang ginawa ko. I therefore conclude na ayoko ng beer, or any hard drinks na akshelly. I think im past the stage na walwal is life because i already experienced that during my teenage years haha, walwal is not life, walwal is bad for your health, tapos pangit pa sa feeling the day after hahaha.

🚣🏻‍♀️KAYAK

I’d love to do this again! Details: takemetohelena.tumblr.com/post/165685032854/kayak-the-best-part-of-this-was-staring-at

So far, yan lang yung mga nasa bucketlist ko na nacheck ko last year(parang ang tagal ah hahaha) pero i swear marami pang magagandang nangyari! Hahaha like when i went to Quezon for holy week, sobrang ganda ng weather that time i could die there, the feeling of contentment ganern, i was sipping my coffee in the terrace while looking at the tall niyog trees, and it was cold pa. hay i love. tapos everytime magigising ako ng madaling araw, i could dieee. 

Pati yung Baguio Escapade namin!!! Details: takemetohelena.tumblr.com/post/159745877114/022617-weekend-escapade maganda din ung feels ko dyan.

Marami talagang magagandang nangyari nung 2017, thinking about it now parang i hurt because 2017 was so good to me, i didn’t wanna leave there yet. Kung icocompile lahat ng mga posts ko dito this, majority would point to Anthony because he is my highlight. Tao kasi ako afterall and it’s in human nature na feel like love makes the world go round (not that it was love ha). I mean no matter how i believe na liking an opposite sex the special way is always the last in my favorite things, at the end it shows na he’s made his way to the top, see he’s my highlight nga. Afterall the wonderful places i’ve been too, all the harthart moments with my constants, and the feeling of contentment in my home, sya pa rin nagtop. The normal days spent with him inside and outside the school, the feeling of excitement everytime i see him like parang tagal ko sya hindi nakita, my tugudug heart evrytime he pops in my messenger, basta those little happenings crept into my brain and i feel like he’s so special, i hate being human. Siguro, maybe kaya sya nagtop because i knew that he’s not gonna stay in my life for a long time. The wonderful places i’ve been to, my constants, my home in Quezon will always be there, I can always go to them pero sya he has his own path to take and he doesn’t need me there. Aaaaah the tragedy of getting attached to someone who isn’t meant to stay. It makes me teary-eyed hays. I used to laugh at couples na 1month palang parang di na nila kaya mabuhay pag naghiwalay sila, now I kinda understand it (not like hindi ko kayang mabuhay ng wala sya lol). I mean kahit maiksing time lang, someone can be so special to you, it depends sa emotions and things na naiinput nila in your brain to cherish ganern. I think si Anthony nag input sya ng 8GB sa utak ko pero he put it with glitters and more kaya i’m left with “it-could-be-nice-kung” ganern.

2017 made me happy, too happy that i dont wanna let go of it pero life goes on, nung New Year, i didn’t feel the hype talaga tbh, it was like nagtotorotot lang ako para di nila mafeel na wala akong gana magnew year hahaha. Thank you so much 2017, parang blurred na sakin yung hurt ko nung 2016 because of you tho it still hurts, pero you balanced it. Marami ding hindi magandang nangyari sakin pero this time nangingibabaw yung mga mamagandang nangyari. I don’t wanna say goodbye pero I have to. Thank you sa life lessons, to the very nice people i met, they’re going to be a part of me for a long long time, to the new places i’ve explored, and the emotions i felt. You were so good to me that it hurts! 

Yo 2018,

It feels foreign to type 201 with an 8 hahaha. Welcome uy. Tumatanda na ako, im one year closer to my death haha tbh that’s what i’ve been thinking since new years eve hahaha. feeling ko i’m getting numb like ‘ah okay’ ganern, it’s hard to feel these days at the same time feeling ko mas nagiging emotional ako, please dont make me cry too much haha im such a mess diba. Exactly last year i asked 2017 kung it has new failures, disappointments and heartbreaks for me. Failures and disappointments come together and i’ve had lots of them too. Yung heartache, i cant say na i have it right now pero parang ganun. I’m at this stage na tinatanggap ko na he’s not for me but knowing myself, few days later magbaback to one ako hahaha. I hope you make evrything good for me, atleast some things. i know that most of the things in my life are permanently broken, including me haha. I doubt na you can fix it but pls be light sa’kin. I’m trying to live here hahaha. Di ako ready sa mga mangyayari but i want to grow and move, the more i move the more na napapalapit ako sa death. Idk if it’s right but i think it’s my will to live lately, that whatever’s gonna happen it will only lead to one thing: my finish line hahaha. I could die this year, if i do then sayonara earth! 12 months, a lot can happen there, i’m curious. Make me feel ANYTHING, 2018.

Signing out @  11:58PM, January 1 2018,

Helena

[viralhottopics]

Drew Barrymore ‘I don’t pretend to be perfect’

Drew Barrymore is back on our screens, this time as a flesh-eating estate agent. She tells Rebecca Nicholson about the endless ups and downs of her life from child star to teen rebel, and savvy producer to business woman and explains why shell fight to the death to be happy

Drew Barrymore walks into the hotel room in Berlin flanked by assistants, caked in heavy TV make-up and wrapped in a brown fluffy jacket that makes her look like a very glamorous teddy bear. Within seconds, the entourage has disappeared, shes wiped every last scrap of foundation from her face and shes rummaging around underneath her dress, a kind of earth mother hippy smock, regretting her decision to wear tights on this sub-freezing day. Why does anyone wear pantyhose? she exclaims, barefaced, faux-exasperated, shifting in her armchair, trying to get comfortable. Theyre so fucking sadistic! Theyre not even control pants, she says, conspiratorially, but Im forcing them to be.

For a lot of women, especially women who grew up between 1982 and the early 2000s, Barrymore is a particular kind of icon. Shes the accessible rebel we all wanted to be, or be friends with. Shes the child star of ET who hit the skids early and hard, and not only survived, but went on to be one of the most popular (and bankable) female stars of the past three decades. She appeared in, and often produced, the kinds of movies that are vital viewing for teenagers, from the trashy taboo-busting rebellion of Poison Ivy, to the triumphant high school romcom Never Been Kissed, to the moody angst of Donnie Darko. Plus, in her 20s, she seemed to hang out with the best bands, go to all the best parties and always looked like she was having the time of her life. She was the manic pixie dream girl before it became a tacky indie film stereotype. The memoir she wrote in 2015 is, appropriately, called Wildflower.

She looks genuinely pleased that she holds such a place in peoples minds, and decides that if people do like her, If anyone has any goodwill towards me, careful not to sound arrogant, its because she extends goodwill to other people. Not in an annoying way, but just, like, being in peoples fucking corners. Its this combination of soft and sharp, all wrapped up in that valley girl lilt, that has carried her through life. I want people to be happy, but I know happiness has to be fought for. Its a warrior trophy. Its not hippy, she insists. Im like, fight. Fight to the death to be happy, and dont kill anyone along the way.

Little riot grrrl: Drew Barrymore with Steven Spielberg at the age of five on the set of 1982s ET. Photograph: Everett Collection/Rex Features

Were in Germany to talk about Santa Clarita Diet, the new Netflix series which has brought her back into the spotlight again at 41. Its a warm and occasionally gross 10-part comedy about Sheila and Joel, estate agents who have been together since their school days, and whose marriage is tested when the amiable Sheila develops a sudden taste for human flesh.

I stopped working to have my kids and take care of them and raise them, and so I was nervous about working again, she says. I was going through a dark time in my own life. And then I read it and I liked it. Now what am I supposed to do? I cant do this right now, its terrible timing, my whole life is falling apart. She ended up executive producing it as well as starring.

That her life was falling apart out of the spotlight was a new thing for Barrymore, who had played out most of her life in a very public sphere. No ones talking about my life. I mean, yes, I had a divorce, but even that was real quiet. She split up with actor Will Kopelman, the father of her two children, Olive, four, and Frankie, two, at the beginning of 2016, but recently posted an Instagram of him running the New York marathon; she was there, with their daughters, to support him. It was like, Oh, they didnt work out, I wonder why? Oh my God they seem like such good friends, and so amicable, I guess well stop giving a shit. I was so happy about that, she says, breezily.

Warm and occasionally gross: Barrymore in Santa Clarita Diet. Photograph: Erica Parise/Netflix

In the midst of her divorce, Santa Clarita Diet was a transformative experience. Ironically, it wasnt the worst timing. It was great. It was really happy. It was a good summer. My daughters and I got to go out to California and I got three days off a week. Just as becoming a proto-zombie saves Sheila from the numbing boredom of domestic life, Barrymore went through her own kind of rejuvenation. I feel like Sheila. I feel like maybe I was dead inside, she says cheerfully, blowing her nose. I dont know. I was in a place in my life where I had gained a lot of weight, and been in a place of fear and sadness, and I felt stuck. I dont think thats so much unlike the character.

Until she took time away from acting to have kids, Barrymore had never not worked. She began her career at 11 months in an advert for dog food, quickly becoming the main breadwinner for herself and her mother, Jaid, who raised her alone. Her father John Barrymore, of the Barrymore acting dynasty The great line of loonies from which I come, as she puts it wasnt around much. Her extraordinary youth was public and well-documented. Her breakout role in ET, at five years old, was followed by an outlandish few years of childhood boozing and drug-taking, rehab and institutions, and the sense that, at 14, she was washed up and her career was over.

But it wasnt. She moved into an apartment by herself, got a job in a coffee shop, learned how to do her own laundry and, eventually, clawed her way back into the business, defeating the curse of the child actor where so many others have been lost. She has said her 20s were a kind of delayed adolescence. Now, in her 40s, shes had a lifetimes worth of parties and experiences, and says she doesnt miss it at all. I dont feel like Im not at the centre of things. I dont worry about career stuff. I dont worry about who the hottest band is or that Im not at that show that night. I dont care if the latest trend is happening and its just passing me by.

Star quality: Barrymore with Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu in Charlies Angels. Photograph: Image Net

Her idea of a good time these days is taking the girls to Disney World, or setting up movie nights for the kids in my daughters class. I just watched Home Alone and all the moms and I were crying at the end. Oh my God, its so good! I appreciate it now much more than I did when I was younger.

Shes too classy to be drawn into any child actor comparisons it would be patronising, annoying, no thanks, she says, nicely but firmly but we talk more broadly about celebrity scandals. Everyone goes up and goes down. Thats life. Nobody wants all of it looked at and discussed. However, if you do put yourself out there, then you need to be prepared for that to be examined and you have to handle it to the best of your abilities. So for people who are like [she puts on a whiny voice]: Dont look at me you put yourself out there!

Is there any way to avoid being examined and discussed? Not in this day and age. You just try to manage things in the healthiest way you can. And by the way? You wont all the time. Youre gonna fuck up. So fuck up, then pick yourself back up. But just be nice and kind and humble and gracious and have a sense of humour. And dont pretend to be perfect.

Golden girl: winning a Golden Globe for Grey Gardens in 2010. Photograph: NBC/Getty Images

Barrymore dealt with her own initial fuck-ups in an incredible and startling memoir, Little Girl Lost, which she wryly calls, The mea culpa book I wrote when I was 14. She appeared on Oprah with her mother to promote it, to go over what went wrong. You can watch it on YouTube; shes 15 going on 35. Yet the book has a cult following, in part because it makes all the partying she did as a young child sound kind of adventurous. Yeah! Its like an 80s cult tragedy book, which is super cool and wrong and fun all at the same time. Its a little riot grrrl, you know?

Theres a chapter where Barrymore describes being hauled off to an institution at her mothers behest, and shes furious at the starstruck guards. God, youve just yanked me out of my house with cuffs on, I thought, and now youre asking me what it was like to meet ET. What jerks, she writes. Even at 14, she had a disdain for celebrity. Still do, she says, today.

We meet on the afternoon of Trumps inauguration. She plans to watch it later, as shes a total news junkie, but she doesnt particularly want to talk about what she thinks of him. Im not a painter and Im not a musician and I think people dont want to hear it from actors, she says. I read this op-ed in the New York Times that was saying, just do things quietly, in your art.

Slasher: Barrymore in Wes Cravens Scream, 1996. Photograph: Allstar

Barrymore is more about the practical. During her screen break, she wrote Wildflower, which became a New York Times bestseller, and shes built a sizeable business empire, including Barrymore wines, a production company, Flower Films, and beauty brand Flower Cosmetics. All of which channel some of that free-spirit warmth into profits reports suggest shes worth $125m. Theres a line in Santa Clarita Diet where Sheila announces: I sleep two hours a night. I get so much done! It struck me that for Barrymore, spinning so many plates, that might be funny. Actually, she says, it was originally written that Sheila would use her spare time to learn French. Me, in my real life, would spend time learning French. This woman literally has a ticking clock on her mortality. Shed be studying fucking Bruce Lee moves and learning to do shit. The line was changed at Barrymores request: instead of learning a language, Sheila would get the ability to parallel park in one move. Im, like, yes! Thats practical!

Its strange to see Barrymore, who seemed to be an eternal teenager, starring as the mother of a teenager in Santa Clarita Diet, partly because her fame is life-long, and you can see interviews with her at almost every age on YouTube. But, she says, she never watches them, never goes back. Hell no. The only thing I ever think when I see myself when Im younger, if Im on a talk show and Im stuck there having to watch clips, is that I was so much more brassy when I was young. Im like: Where do you get the balls, kid?

She says it as if those balls have disappeared with age. She claims shes much more polite now. Sarcastic, but polite. And worse still, she tries to say shes newly dull. In my life Im just so quiet and boring, she declares, not entirely convincingly. This is Drew Barrymore, after all, who talks with the hunger of someone who will always be on the lookout for something new, whether thats being a mother, a businesswoman, or playing a friendly estate agent who kills and eats bad people. I am pretty boring, she insists. I tell her I dont believe it. She smiles slyly, and leans in. Theres a rebel in her still. Im not sure I believe it either.

Santa Clarita Diet launches on Netflix on 3 February

Read more: http://ift.tt/2jr2JjQ

from Drew Barrymore ‘I don’t pretend to be perfect’

[loveandra0314-blog]

Tweets!

All my tweets since August 29th, 2016

Currently renewing my unhealthy obsession with Harry Styles. Seniors- have a fun year knowing that all the people older than you in school get to sleep in on Mondays If it comes in rose gold, I own it Lol @ seniors who think they're the shit All of my stories start with "well first of all, bitch" I love myself. Thought you ought to know. When your roommate is THE SAME DISNEY PRINCESS AS YOU My mom keeps sending me pictures of her food Still in summer mode Drew some nice pics of myself getting electrocuted in math today I can literally find someone on the Internet in .002 secs with just a first name, but tell me to hand in my assignment online and I'll die LOOK AT THE LITTLE HEART #GreysAnatomy GREYS FOOTBALL AND HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT If you live tweet next weeks Criminal Minds season premiere, I'll report you for emotional abuse I have not lost my voice, my voice just doesn't like me so she moved out. I send my parents paragraphs and hundreds of pictures of school and I am repaid with one word sentences and blurry pictures of my dog. I come home to find that my parents literally did everything they could to conceal everything that has anything to do with me in my room ALSO MY BATHROOM SMELLS LIKE CLEANING FLUID AND I KNOW DAMN WELL IT SMELLED LIKE "sweet peony" WHEN I LEFT Anthony's favorite hobby is absolutely roasting people on the Hudl app MUZZ WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE ANTHONY THAT HE PEED ON THE COUCH On a scale from 1-10 of brokenness, I'm a $34.72. I'm really proud of myself because I finished 1/8 of an essay that's due on Thursday #overachiever Btw, Anthony replied to my hint with pictures of his papa I know it's the law... But could the train maybe not blow the whistle 6 times through a campus of sleep deprived college kids????? Spagetting to know you Julia and I are in bed watching a movie and wondering why it's so loud... ITS 8:00 PM But how the f is it October in like 2 days We're over here acting like its the damn ice age I've been coughing all over everyone and everything and IM A TERRIBLE ROOMMATE IM SO SORRY WTF "5 Crazy" I love you, SVU Women before us fought to have the right to vote - don't take that for granted #VOTE My bed is absolutely COVERED in pillows, blankets, wires, school supplies, clothes and Tide pods etc… This woman started vaping and then another woman told her to stop, and now they are full on screaming at each other. ON THE COMMUTER RAIL. Guys, this clown thing is REAL I'm having a hard enough time sleeping without all these inconsiderately loud people outside my building clown hunting The dangerous part about college is going back to your bed in between classes WORDS LITERALLY CANT DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM FOR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. Belle is my Disney princess and Emma Watson is my all time favorite actress I'm crying Constantly waiting for the 12th of each month so I can have some data You can now get a life sentence for animal abuse. Justice. When your roommates make fun of you for complimenting an absolute FIRE selfie of yourself <<<< SUNDAY SHOPPING SPREE I fcking love candy corn You don't understand... our school and social lives have to fit around the voice and grey's. Sometimes my hand slips and I accidentally share something to my Facebook page We're gonna miss you #ThanksPapi It would be fun to me Harley Quinn for Halloween, but I refuse to be one of "those girls" Never be afraid to be yourself!! Happy National Coming Out Day everyone Julia and I have been watching Netflix in bed for 5 hours. COME BE OUR FRIENDS OMG Tmlt I fcking love Evan Peters and AHS Netflix for dayyyyyyzzzz May god bless you and may your eyebrows be forever on point Dear very high people in the hall, please talk even louder! And continue to walk around in your underwear! Please! I'm DYING. As soon as josh got home he immediately told everyone not to ask any questions about the dance My baby brother is almost 14 and he's like a foot taller than me and his voice is deeper than my dad's My little brother got a 30 yrd touchdown and 40 yrd run Mo and Julia are asleep and I'm just laying here laughing my ass off Literally the worst thing in the world is realizing you have a hole in your leggings Backless dresses are just so incredibly beautiful I love them The girls are asleep and I am laughing like a fcking psycho. What's new? Sorry that I retweet a lot, I just feel like sharing the things I find awesome or funny are worth making your day too I love reconnecting I have heart failure walking to class when I start to hear a longboarder behind me Cookies and Gilmore Girls with my babes It's 11:00 and we're trying to sleep pls enforce quiet hour or I will Julia and I suck at life so we put it on the internet. #relatable "Omg have you seen @JeffreeStar new black highlighter?" "Isn't that just a sharpie?" NO JULIA IT IS NOT A SHARPIE I love late night phone calls with my man Rewatching greys is my fave thing to do Meeting guy friends at college is easy until you bring up your boyfriend I told everyone in my kindergarten class that I was a boy. So, surprise everyone idk what that was about Life update: the heater in our room is making loud, evil noises. This started yesterday and has not stopped. This heater needs medical attention I am honestly concerned for this heater's health. She's clearly leaking or dying or something College is not being able to afford a stapler and the professor refusing to collect unstapled papers. Derek Shepherd has been setting unrealistic expectations since 2005. Feliz Dia de Los Muertes! I'm so excited for Beauty and the Beast I'm actually crying. Real tears. I'm seeing it MINIMUM 10 times in theaters "THIS MEAT IS SO RAW A GOOD VET COULD SAVE IT" Anthony wutttttttt No Makeup November JULIA AND I ARE CRYING (not happy tears) The sun rose this morning and it will rise tomorrow morning My dad has had a variation of the same car since 1995 "You are SO loud" "I just don't care" lol k Anthony Scooby doo I cried twice today, first because I watched the Beauty and the Beast trailer, the second time was when I re-watched the trailer. My dream job is when it's always Friday Also no makeup November is going swimmingly, I may never wear makeup everyday ever again All the bathrooms on my floor are being cleaned and I've been holding my pee for an hour and a half. Can I be someone's creepy older prom date this year? I had some real good coffee this morning and I feel absolutely fantastic, this may be a new me Anthony is snapchatting me live from his room where his roommate is keeping him captive and asking deep questions about life College is being awake at 11pm which is just enough time to squeeze in a few more episodes of greys before 12 COLLEGE IS BEING AWAKE AT 12:30am BUT THERES ONLY ONE MORE EPISODE IN THE SEASON Hobbies include: coughing loudly and rudely when I pass people who are smoking When I'm actively trying to not laugh my ass off at stupid stuff because roommate Just a reminder to be careful and safe this holiday season I want a pretty case because the life proof one is too much but I can't afford a new phone sooo.... TMI: I threw up all over a bathroom stall today. I warned you. My professor shaded me in front of the whole class. I don't have room for embarrassment because I high key gained so much respect. Savagery Hahaha at least my eyebrows are fleeky The weather today is less than ideal. Julia made a tinder and then promptly deleted it when she saw an attractive man. THIS IS WHY. THIS IS WHY. True friends snapchat from across the room If the wifi would stay connected, I wouldn't run out of data every month The temperature was in the single digits today and I honestly don't know how I've ever been able to live like this for so long There is a full on absolutely raging party down the hall from my room. 24 hour quiet hours what College made me addicted to tums Sleep is great, but have you ever watched Netflix? Prof almost made us stay past the two hours like... fuck you thought?? Oh annnnnnd I woke my ass up at 7:00 this morning to get a waffle AND THEY HADNT PUT THE STATION OUT YET Why does my brother constantly ask what we got him for xmas?? Like we're not telling you and if we did your xmas would be ruined Trying to save up...but Sephora I can't even put into words how sad I am about Carrie Fishers passing. Rest In Peace. Someone get me on the slopes Can't stop won't stop crying at the Beauty and the Beast trailer. What did I do to deserve this Every time I lose a snapchat streak, I die a little on the inside I'm such a daddy's girl tbh Setting that 4 am alarm is absolutely killer Hey at least the Cubs won the World Series in 2016 Thought about making a resolution to go to the gym and eat green stuff, but I'm just gonna do me, eat cookies and walk occasionally Tmlt- moral: be happy, and do what makes you happy I really just slept until 5pm Traveling through Hoth in my damn Jetta was fun I should have just skied home from work smh These are the days that I wish my dad's Outback was automatic. Smh I share a bathroom w two teenage boys. There is a pile of underwear in the corner that grows +2 every day.