#like ill honestly do whatever but i feel like theres this pressure to be all like this is what i always dreamed of doing 🙂‍↕️

[deathisamotherofbeauty]

I do suck at job hunting bc I overthink and take time to contact places and maybe miss an opportunity window and like🚬🚬🚬 yeahh

[ghostieyanyan]

Is it ok if we can see more of rock musician MC with the Yandere pop music club or Pomefiore once they discover their secret musical talent?

im doing Pomefiore cause at this rate, im doing everyone xD i dont might, it rewally makes me happy that you guys enjoy this series/topic (idk what to call it)

ill likely do heartslabyul and Ignihyde and Diasomnia will likely be together and theres still savannaclaw (though idk how well that goes lol)

who do you guys want next?

~Musical!mc~

Yan!Vil x mc

Yan!Rook x mc

Yan!Epel x mc

Warnings: yandere, manipulation, stalking, hints nsfw, hint of kidnapping?, the art is more on the fem!mc side but the fanfic parts should be gender-neutral (if not, im sorry and do tell me where so i can fix it qwq)

~~~~~

Rook

would you be surprised that rook found this little secret first? like he was the very first person to find out

the answer should be no and if not that no then you are sorely mistaken.

When did he find out? Who knows? But one thing for sure, he want to relish in the fact that he's the only one who knows. Other people might find out sooner or later but he has it in his head like you told him yourself. Like you held this important little secret close to your heart and in-trusted your heart to him. He lives in his own world.

He'll know when you sing. Its often when grim isn't present, like he messed with ace and deuce and getting collared by riddle. whatever grim did that had him busy, you often have your sweet alone time to sing our heart out.

Rook will help keep this talent of yours as secret as you want. if you want only a few to know, he'll accept it. if you don't want anyone to know, he'll make sure your secret is preserved for as long as you like. but honestly, if he had it his way, he'd be the only one to know. the only one that can hear your lovely voice.

Rook is a hunter and an active fan in the beauty department. hell take pictures of you and even record your voice. even when you're not singing. he has a recording of you sleep.. your sighs in the night, signaling if you have any discomfort or even pleasure in your dreams.

he'll take the moment in your dorm to look at your stuff. help here and there in your dorm. in the morning, you might find your clothes ready and prep for the next day. you might find your room less messy than you remembered the night before. you might see food that you don't remember when you've gotten it. you also find tea that states it "helps your voice"? did grim get this....?

Rook watches you like you were a bird. oh he wishes to capture you and hear you sing just for him alone but he also like you to be free. to watch your wings stretch into the sky as you sing with your heart and soul.

but he is a little curious on what would you do, if your wings were... clipped.

~~~~~

Vil

he is furious when he found out. how dare you not tell him!? How dare you to just sit idly by when your potato friends did the VDC and not to mention, watching them lose like idiots!

but... that's in the past and now he has to face this issues with a level head. he needs to know how well you sing, both in when you aren't pressured (your free alone time) and with his guidance and lessons. now you see why Epel runs for the hills during Vil lessons.

here's the thing about vil, you cant be 100% mad at his overbearing behavior to watch you succussed. he just wants to watch you thrive. plus he knows what its like in the music industry. he had to work side by side with it when he was young after all. you cant get mad at him, even if his words like like hot burning knifes to your skin.

when you think that hes heartless and you just want to break down with how harsh hes being, he gets to your level and speaks smoothing words to make you feel better.

"hey hey! i know its difficult and i wont have been this harsh with you if i knew you you couldn't take it. but you can. this industry is very mean but you have the talents to make it big and ill help you through it~ every step of the way~"

isnt vil a great actor? i mean he works really hard to hone his skills but this is next level. he has you wrapped around his little fingers. he doesnt care if you want to be big or even small in the music industry but with you by his hip. with your voice, you could even riverly neige! Imagine it. beautiful model with a lovely song bird by his side. their love story is so cute. its like a fairy tale! celebrty with everything finds love with a common no body.

but honestly, he'd be lying if he said it was just for celebrity gain. Vil has been eyeing you awhile, you were a great help during vdc and maybe... he just wants you to keep helping... but just him this time..

~~~~~

Epel

at first, epel thought he wouldn't care about that. in life he mainly wanted to be seen as the manly type. but with vil's lessons on beauty, makes him hate that whole aspect, entirely.

but when he first heard you... that changed everything.

he didn't mean to sneak up on you. it was late in the day, everyone was in their clubs but since hes been failing a class, vil forced him to improve his grades.

"leona would be fine without you for a day... but not for the rest of the year.so if you want to stay in in the magical shift club, get your grades up."

he decided to head to the library to study for a bit. a nice quiet place to read and study, or try to anyways. a few minutes passed and he wasn't feeling it with his textbook. epel just needed a quick walk around the library to help pump his blood flowing to his head, he thought.

and then, he heard you. you were doing a slight hum and soft singing mixture. but oh was it so sweet to his ears. he felt like he was with his grandma back in grade school when he would come home from school and she'll be making dinner for him. it reminded him of home, and how he missed it so much.

he'll likely not be the type to confront you about it, its your business and if you told him personally, he'd love that.

without realizing it, when he thought about you singing, he dreamed that you and him were married in his home town. he'll be coming home after a long days work and you'd welcome him home with a sweet smile. you might even ask if he wanted food, a bath, or even- oh shoot. Epel has to use the restroom NOW.

naughty boy.

[ivysprophecy]

200 Followers Celebration!

Fruitcake Edition

in celebration of hitting 200 followers, and the holidays honestly, i decided to pull together a little sleepover for the fun of it! im aware that not many of followers physically interact with me (which is fine!) but i wanted to make a space where you can feel free to reach out anonymously or not and have a little fun! thank you for everything im so grateful for even this "small" of a crowd im so appreciative.

a nonesense christmas - any ask games! fmk, cyms, top five, this or that, would you rather, etc.

santa doesnt know you like i do - character take over! if you wanna speak to any of the characters that i have written, or that youre aware im willing to write for send in ask to interact with them! (do not be afraid to ask if youre not sure on characters!)

white xmas - blurbs! prompts! requests! smaus or normal written fiction ill willing listen to all requests! i cannot promise they will be done in a timely manner LOL

buy me presents - love letters! words on encouragement, advice, just regular chatting, questions or comments, or just a plain ole ego boost!

cindy lou who - moodboards! i love making these so give me a character, a vibe, a color palette, something! and i will whip something cute up in a jiffy

is it new years yet? - fic recs! give me characters and ill recommend you some works that either i adore or ive heard rave reviews on!

last christmas - song recs! give me a vibe, artist, or honestly whatever and ill give you a few of my favs

its the most nonesense time of the year - send me recs! fics, songs, movies, shows, and ill do my best to review them asap!

this christmas - fake title! give me a title for a fic that doesn't exist and ill tell you what kind of fic i'd write for it

santa baby - send in three things about yourself, choose a fandom and gender preference and i'll ship you with a character!

i saw mommy kissing santa claus - nsfw thots ;) send in prompts or dialogue and ill MAYBE make a lil blurb out of it! requires characters and a prompt of some kind.

tagging some mutuals below! theres absolutely no pressure if i tagged you its simply because i like you XD thank you for participating! feel free to reblog and spread holiday cheer!

@murdockcastleslut @arkofblake @kimoralov3 @zyafics-recs @rafesbabygirlx

and then my [ masterlist ]

[watsername]

What are your thoughts about?

I was gonna try and collect my thoughts coherently before I started talking bu ti cant be bothered doing that so like. about the dream and that one circle of mcyt that just fucking hate them .

actually this is about how I have felt observing the dream space recently.

im uncomfortable?? not with the dream team, I still really love them and I enjoy their content and I do still watch sap naps streams if im awake for them but honestly taking time just to spend time on my f1 blog has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

just talking about dtblr, ive seen people trying to make the best of the situation by live-blogging sapnaps streams making jokes spreading positivity for all 3 of them but it doesn't really of much to take away from the pressure of the situation. Every day it seems like some cc somewhere has something to say about dream or George or sapnap and every day we rush over here to discuss it. it almost feels like theres this pressure to perform and to respond to what is being said, we need to discuss everything as a controversy no matter how stupid or insignificant the situation is and we contribute to the snowballing of tiny things that honestly dont need the attention the theyre getting and its tiring to watch. like im at the point where im scrolling past 'did you see what x said' because honestly I dont give a shit I dont give a shit about a cc who spoke to the dteam on discord maybe twice talking about their 'truth' I really dont care .

im genuinely just fed up with the way the creator space and fan spaces behave. Dream posts 'pls talk to me' and creators say 'but that won't get me clout' back to him.

who gives a shit if dreams stole punz girlfriend. who cares if dream sent a dm that might have been considered rude to Sara Simons a fully grown ducking middle aged woman with better things to do than start twitter drama. who gives a shit about sniff having one insignificant negative interaction with dream over a year. none f this is your fucking turret its just airing out high school level petty drama that could easily be fixed with a fucking dm . its pathetic. the way so many creators are going 'I too am a victim' and its 'he sent me a private message I didnt like' who fucking cares. and all of this 'ill stream explaining my story' what story. that he made a joke in bad taste. its performative. they want views they want twitters support they want to seem like theyre on the RIGHT side so theyre just pulling any old story out of their ass to add to the mentality of the mob and make it seem like yes I too hate dream because he is so awful when in reality he was probably just a bit of a twat like a lot of guys in their early 20s are . the only way hes gonna know that he did something that made u annoyed or upset or even mildly fucking miffed in the case of Sara fucking Simons is if you tell him. and we saw that bc 5 mins later shes saying oh its all fine he messaged me . see how fucking easy it is to actually fix these tiny ass issues if you actually have a conversation before launching a hate campaign on twitter dot com . and people going off to run with it and add it to the pile of 'poof' they have. hell ive seen someone saying they appreciate dream saying they want to talk about situations and saying they want to chat with him about an experience they had with one of his friends like what does that have to do with dream actually why not just take the initiative and talk to the actual person involved instead of making dream do it for u. its all just drama mongering

on a more serious note I really dont know how to feel with the whole situation with caiti. George didi fuck up and im not moving from that stance- whatever happened he made her feel uncomfortable and went on the defence instead of prioritising apologising to her for the way she felt about the situation.

what I cat fucking stand is how weirdly this situation has evolved. the initial statement was that he had touched her waist and tickled her and cat didnt like that. THAT CONTACT the touching of her waist was spread across twitter as a sexual assault. which its fucking not and it pisses me off as a victim to see how loosely terms of sex crime are being thrown around bc no matter how uncomfy you are touching your waist is not a sex crime. there was no mention of inappropriate touching actually, just that he had crossed a physical boundary with her and ive already talked about why I can empathise with that delayed reaction in feeling deeply uncomfortable with the situation . so it confused me as to why people on tiktok were spreading misinformation that his hands were down her pants and cat coming out of left field with he was grabbing my tits. because none of that was ever discussed in any of her prior statement and that seems like pertinent information when were discussing sexual assault. and from what ive seen her friends timeline of events dont match up with hers. her timeline of events onset even match up that well with her other comments on the situation and all of it just feels so fucking odd. why do the details change depending on who you ask and when you ask them

but I wasn't there. I dont know what actually happened. having experienced it you automatically hold that understanding towards her despite all the backlash because people blamed me too, they didnt believe me either and you never want to completely dismiss it no matter how weird the story seems because what if. keeping myself in the situation is stretching myself in two different directions where one is dismissing the claims of assault because nothing adds up and the other is she might be like me .

the reaction to caitis initial statement has snowballed extremely out of proportion if u ask me. nobody needs to know everyones personal grievances with dream or George or sapnap and to say that youre sharing these to support victims is a straight lie bc it has nothing to do with victims they receive nothing from your story that he made a bad joke 3 years ago or whatever and everything to do with the fact that you are utilising an opportunity to gain relevancy again and I dont want to partake in their relevancy.

I dont want to partake in any of this fucking drama actually. it's non stop. it's constant. its all over my dash all day every day but maybe its just the ppl im following idc. but I dont want to come back into a community where im going to find myself fighting to justify why I still enjoy the content of some creators while there are other creators receiving less vitriol for breaking the literal fucking law . its exhausting . its been years of it for me .

im not mentally well. I have a lot going on in my family life and I didnt realise how bad things were until I told my work friend I hadn't seen in a while my 'family drama' and she and the assistant manager pulled me aside and said 'im so sorry youre going through that right now are you dealing with everything alright?'. I have my final exams within the next month. I need to pass these to graduate. I have so much that is already causing me stress in my life and so much of the misinformation around the situation is so triggering and untagged and I dont want to log on and see another bout of 'x responds to x' 'x talks about dream' 'x shares thoughts on George situation' . I cant fucking do that right now.

people have called it the cowards way out, bailing at the burden of controversy but im not switching sides. im not deactivating. im not becoming a dranti. I still talk about the dteam i still like the dteam but I cannot force myself to endure other peoples stresses at the time being . thats all ive been thinking about rlly .

[employee052]

semi vent fic

intentionally written incredibly vauge but if you know this blog, then you can probably guess what its about kashjdlkasd

also, they are not talking about something in particular. this was written both to collect my thoughts and calm down so im sorry if something sounds wrong or theres a spelling error.

---

a man in a green jacket sits down on a grassy hillside near a thicket of trees. a mop of teal green and white hair swaying against the wind as a comforting gust washes over the landscape. the forest of pine and oak rustling in tranquillity as the cloudy blue sky ahead provides shelter from the sweltering sun.

the man in green closes his eyes. taking a deep breath before sighing out all the remaining stresses and anxieties from his system even for just a moment.

behind him, another figure passes by, their brown sweater feeling almost fitting for the surroundings as their white hoodie string flows along with the wind..

the figure sits down beside the man in green and stares out into the nature ahead of them. 

the two sit in contemplative silence for a moment. letting the silence ease their nerves as they simply basked in the comforting presence of polite company.

the man in brown breaks the silence. "do you ever wish to join them?" he asks, words vague like a secret struggling to be kept hidden. 

yet the man in green understands his question. "yeah, sorta." he responds honestly, fiddling with whatever is beside him on the ground.

"i hate feeling like i'm missing out on something," he continues, "maybe its the anxiety speaking? i have no clue."

another contemplative pause.

"a part of me wants to join them, but…" brown trails off, looking off into the forest as if he was looking for something.

"but?"

"... it feels weird, trying to join them. maybe i just enjoy the more private parts of it all." 

green nods understandingly, a small empathetic smile on his face. "felt."

"it feels like everything is going so fast in there." brown continues, " things are always starting, prompts being made, stories being written, art being drawn. its hard to keep up."

"yep, that and it feels like whatever i make isn't good enough compared to the likes of giants and creative geniuses there. i know im a good artist, but compared to everyone there? i feel like an ant." 

the two go silent as the sound of leaves rustling in the wind grows louder, the wind picking up as though it were a scene in a film. both men let the words exchanged settle into their minds comfortingly, understanding the other for a moment or two.

"what do you suppose we do then?" asks brown, looking to green for guidance.

green pauses, looking back at brown through his yellow glasses. 

"as much as i want to continue trying to join that stream of creation and excitement, i think ill keep things slow, personal, calm even. i hate feeling rushed, and when i want to do stuff with you in it, i want it to mean something. and not just because i don't want to be left out."

brown looks at green understandingly. a comforting smile on his face as he nods.

"ill still do things where, if it comes up ill do it. but i think im good being left out of everything for now. i enjoy doing things at my own pace."

he looks into browns eyes, "and what about you? what's your take on it? im not making a decision without your side."

brown's eyes widen, eyebrows raised as he tries to gather his thoughts together before replying.

"well," he starts looking back into the forest like it was his audience, "i agree with what you said honestly. so there's not much i can comment on."

"as much as i enjoy being the centre of attention, i enjoy it when we get to make something together at our own pace. the pressure of trying to do better with every piece as opposed to just creating for the fun of it all feels suffocating most days." 

brown looks at green suddenly, eyes swimming with nostalgia. "truth be told, i miss the early days. where you would draw me on a notebook, and it would be just us together creating. with you at the pencil and me as the muse."

"nothing to fear, nothing to think, just us, enjoying each other's company."  he says, almost grandiose. like it was a long forgotten time before all the mental turmoil and struggle hit them both like a truck.

green says nothing. opting to think back to those days with a smile. the calm and slow origins of what would later accumulate to the two on the hill, looking out into the forest.

"remember character ai? when you were talking to me there?" brown starts again, a playful grin on his face. "those were some good stories. while the bot never truly got my character down, your guidance really pushed our story into something cohesive and enjoyable. it might have been the first time i wrote with anyone else before…"

green grins, "i'm glad to hear it! and i had fun as well. really."

"maybe it was because it felt like you actually were there with me telling a story, even if the bot butchered your character a lot." green shrugged.

"psh," brown started, "a bot could never get my character down! I have too many facets to myself that putting it into a simple chatbot is like an isolation of my features! reduced to nothing but a few key traits that could never begin to even represent me as an individual!" 

"i know i know…" green sighed, "honestly, it's why i haven't gone back to that bot in ages. it's like your character finally solidified in my head, and now i'm the only one who can write you right. or at least you as my narrator anyways."

"your narrator. talk about sap, nerd." 

"oh can it, dork. you know what i mean."

the two quietly chuckle under their breath. sharing a quick friendly smile before they settle back into sitting calmly on the hill.

"so… we continue like this then? just us, the parable, and a few friends here and there with the occasional prompt or two?" brown asks.

"i suppose. maybe one day i'll be strong and determined enough to go back into that stream of creation again. but im content just sitting at the shore banks dipping my toes into the water and letting the breeze cool my face." green answers, the wind picking up like a crescendo of emotion. the two looking out into the forest with a soft smile and an easy heart. ready to take their time and savour all they can in the moment.

"i understand." brown replies. taking green's hand comfortingly and squeezing it, silently comforting and reassuring him.

…

"also, great use of metaphors by the way." he adds slightly jokingly

green rolls his eyes. "jeez thanks. and i assume that my english test on shakespeare is tomorrow too, sir?" he teases, his voice light with genuinity as he scooches closer to his friend and rests his head on brown's shoulder.

brown scoffs, "and to think i enjoyed writing with you." he jokes back, knowing full well that they both carry no real bite at these taunts. resting his head against green's shoulder as the two stare off into the forest peacefully. 

[kennedy-brooke]

THANK YOU for the tag lovelie @acourtofquestions

omg okay wait i need to think about this -

1. my fav sjm book is absolutely queen of shadows, it has everything + my fav scene in any book and therefore i adore it with my whole heart 110%

2. after reading the entire universe (its my biggest flex and accomplishment) i definitely have to say TOG because lets be real, how can you beat that masterpiece

3. aelin is my fav character by far, but i feel like its too easy to say that so my close second is nesta and i take no criticism

4. this one is so hard for me - i feel like its either "they joined hands. so the world ended. and the next one began." from QoS or "Never again. Never again would she be weak. Never again would she be at someone’s mercy. Never again would she fail. Never again, never again, never again." from ACoSF both for very different but very significant reasons

5. i love rowaelin and elorcan, but i also have a very special place in my heart for ruhnlidia

6. i personally ship gwynriel, but im not sjm so i will be pleased with whatever outcome so long as both azriel and lucien are happy

7. i firmly believe that both lucien and fenrys deserve SO much more hype (ik lucien has his own group of stans - hello my people - but there is always room for more)

8. ERIS. PLEASE SARAH IM BEGGING YOU. also fenrys because i need more on him pretty please

9. okay HOT take - but i don't particularly like morrigan. there is SOMETHING this girl is hiding and the whole leading on azriel thing and feeling territorial over cassian really just didnt sit right for me

10. i fear i am an azriel girl at heart (i know im living on crumbs and fanfiction like the rest of us), cassian being a close second

11. i really love the dawn court based on the descriptions (and obv the night court but that feels like cheating). realistically id probably live in autumn but it sure as hell wont be under berons rule

12. okay i hate all of them, but the passion with which i hate maeve probably makes her both the worst and best. saying favorite feels so wrong bc i DESPISE her, but shes a really well written one.

13. okay well THRONE OF GLASS SPOILERS FOR ENDING OF KOA DO NOT READ THIS ANSWER IF YOU ARENT DONE but 100% the fact that aelin loses her powers. its like my one critique on throne of glass tbh

14. i love the theory that rhys's sister isnt dead and that tamlin actually saved her and thats why theres a starlight pool in the spring court (the theory is much more detailed but thats the jist) and that TOG SPOILER kaltain is the suriel

15. NESTA. NESTA MOTHERFUCKING ARCHERON MY LITERAL QUEEN I LOVE YOU FOREVER

16. is it cliche to say eris? im an eris apologist until given undisputed proof otherwise (and tbh ill probably still adore him) also CHAOL. BECAUSE WHAT DID HE ACTUALLY DO? NOTHING HE REACTED COMPLETELY NORMALLY AND I STILL LIKE HIM SO MUCH. did we not all read tower of dawn? he is lovely. OKAY? OKAY.

17. aelin galanthynius 4 life

18. throne of glass is aelin, a court of thorns and roses is nesta (both obvious by now), and crescent city is either lidia or ruhn

19. its sad that ive thought of this already butttt A Court of Song and Shadow

20. that is a cruel question that i genuinely cannot answer because there are SO many that i read on the daily

21. also a horribly cruel question to ask and i genuinely have no clue where to even begin recommending because again, there are far FAR too many. honestly hust scroll through my page bc i am an avid reblogger, and while i may have a million diff fandoms going on, there are a TON of acotar ones in there

i unfortunately dont write (publicly) for actoar so thats where my questions end

tagging with no pressure at all (sorry if youve already been tagged): @brekkershadowsinger @prythianpages @parkerslatte @assassinsblade @acourtofwhatthefuck @daydreaming-nerd @daycourtofficial

SJM ask game

1) What’s your favourite SJM book?

2) Which is your favourite series (tog, acotar or cc)

3) Who is your favourite character? (And why?)

4) Do you have a favourite quote from one of the books?

5) Favourite ship?

6) Elriel or Gwynriel? Or neither?

7) Who’s the most underrated SJM character?

8) Which character do you wish to learn more about?

9) Are there any characters you don’t like?

10) Favourite bat boy?

11) Favourite court?/ Which one would you most like to live in?

12) Favourite SJM villain?

13) If you could change one thing in any of the books what would it be?

14) Favourite SJM theory?

15) Favourite Archeron sister?

16) A character you feel is over-hated/ underrated

17) Aelin, Bryce, or Feyre?

18) What’s your favourite character from each series?

19) If you wrote an acotar book what would you call it?

20) Who is your favourite acotar blogger?

21)What fics would you recommend to people who love the series?

Questions for writers

22) Easiest character to write for?

23) Hardest character to write for?

24) What’s a character you’d like to write for but haven’t yet?

25) What’s a court you’d like to write about more?

26) What’s a character you won’t write for and why?

27) If you could only write for one character ever again, who would you pick?

28) Whats your favourite trope to write about when it comes to Azriel?

29) What do you think is the best/favourite acotar fic you’ve written?

30) Who are your favourite friendships to write about?

31) For first time readers to your blog, which three fics would you recommend they read?

[jwsflower]

Five

SYNOPSIS: You’ve been bestfriends and crushing on jungwon since middle school, but the day you planned to confess to him he never came to school. Later finding out that he had moved schools without telling you. Few year later when you had moved on you heard that theres a new student. You didnt think much of it, but...?

Pairing: Jungwon x fem!reader

Warnings: none that i can think of but lmk if there are any!!

It was 6am and you heard your alarm ringing.

“Ugh im not looking forward to school today at all, i have to ask Mr. Choi if i can switch groups with someone” you thought outloud.

When you were ready you texted the gc to ask who can pick u up.

15 minutes later you heard a beep outside and that was ur sign to walk ouside.

“Morningg sunny, tysm again for pick me up today” you smiled at him.

“Ofc its nothing Yn, do u wanna get some coffee before school??” he asked u

“Ohh yeah sure lets gooo” you replied

We both go into car and started to drive to Starbucks. You guys were driving in comfortable silence but then he spoke up.

“Hey, but are you okay after yesterday?”

“Yeah, im okay im atleast glad that chae and hoon explained themselves cuz i woulve been very upset if they lied to me.. “ you spoke up.

“Yeahh..” Sunoo dryly replied.

But little did you know that deep down Sunoo still thought that something was suspicious about both of them.

*time skip them already arriving at school cuz im lazy*

“Were heree” Sunoo spoke up brightly.

“Im not excited abt today at all, i have to ask mr. Choi to switch groups with someone else bc im not working with Jake.” you replied

“Good luck with that..” Sunoo laughed

“Thanks.. okay lets go to class now” you said that as you started walking into school.

When you walked into school you didnt expect seeing Yang Jungwon standing right next to your locker.

“You gotta be kidding me" you said under breath.

Before you could say anything Sunoo spoke up first. “ Ay Yang what are you doing here, Yn is not interested to talk to you rn. “

“Please I really want to explain myself and talk to her” he was basically begging.

But then you spoke up “ Jungwon i made it clear to you yesterday, give me time and maybe. just maybe im gonna give you a chance but please rn leave me alone”

“Okay, ill give you time just tell me when. Im gonna be waiting for you” he said that as he was walking away.

“Really yn? ur gonna give him a chance” Sunoo asked.

“I never heard him out, so maybe it wouldn't hurt hear what he has to say to me. And also im long moved from him so this isnt some pitying my crush thing. “ you replied

“Whatever you say Yn.. but now we should go to class” he pulled you by hand.

But deep down you thought, ‘ have i moved on tho ‘ you weren't too sure abt that part.

previous || masterlist || next

note: Okay hi, its been quite a white since i wrote a chapter (like 3 months). Honestly i wasnt busy or something, its just i didn't have any inspo for a long time and i just didnt want to write something confusing or dumb so i just took time off. From now on ill try posting whenever i can but i wont be doing 2-3 updates cuz i feel pressure so ill post whenever i feel like and try to not disappear again. Again Thank you if u read this and thank you for waiting.

Taglist: open! (send and ask tba)

Taglist: @hiqhkey @enhacolor @she-is-dreaming @lovienikitty @lauvvai @ch0ijiung @wonieleles @enhasengene @harperwasstaken1 @heartj4yn0 @lil-iva @yvesismywife @brokeprimogems

[musicals-and-mushrooms]

Mighty Nein as Undertale/Deltarune songs

Im back again! If yall like my crossover/headcanon/whatever this is, feel free to put suggestions in my asks! Anyways, heres the mighty nein in all their undertale/deltarune glory!

Caleb - Heartache/Don't Give Up. Obviously caleb has faced a lot of heartache in his life, and i think that underlying tune in heartache (i cant quite descrive it but its the bububububu bububububu that bit) just feels like a steady stream of pressure. Dont give up is him fighting for the friends he now has.

Jester - Girl Next Door. Its just so happy! And bubbly! And Jester! Thats all

Caduceus - Respite. Hes a chill dude, so he gets a chill song because hes done what he needs to. However if anyone was gonna get megalovania it would be him. Like do not get on aroace pastel goth cow mans bad side.

Beau - Dating fight! (Insert veronica sawyer laugh here) hehehehehe im so funny.

Yasha - Battle Against a TRUE Hero/Susie. Both very powerful/intimidating songs and also yasha is buff lesbian undying fighter soooooooo.... yeah?

Fjord - The Choice. Honestly theres probably a better song to encapsulate fjords character, this is judt for like the serious story side i guess.

Veth - I'm Very Bad. Again there was probably a better song that i forgot for her and its hard to get a song that fits the chaos but also sad story that sam loves to do. This is just veths fluffernutter planning song.

Molly/Lucien/Kingsley - The Circus. Again, havent watched M9 reunited, but as well as the name of the song i think it fits the creepy story purple tiefling has going on here. But idk.

Group - Fallen Down (Reprise) ok this is my favourite song in the whole soundtrack and i think this just fits the mighty nein so well. Yeah, they saved the world, but noone really knows. And theyre chill with that. They have eachother.

Well, thats all for today. Sorry for spelling mistakes, ill do the vox machina one tomorrow and maybe something new. Idk. Let me know what yall want, have a smiley day😊

[denkilightning]

Uh hey, no pressure but do you have any tips for writing c!george? I'm trying but he just isn't right? In my story and i don't want to mischaricterise him -💛

a bit of a disclaimer: i am actually no the authority on cgeorge since i am not ccgeorge and all the things ill say are based off my opinions. if you dont wanna do sth the way i say it simply dont <33

about mischaracterisation: honestly dont worry. it doesnt matter whether hes in character or out of character because things like that are rather subjective, and what matters is an interesting characterisation. it doesnt have to completely align with canon c george because canon c george is incredibly fucking hard to grasp, mainly because whether he doesnt care or cares about everything is decided like its a russian roulette, same with his grip on reality.

but if you wanna stick to canon i reccomend watching and analysing his behaviour in the presidental debates stream (on quackitys vod channel), 'quackity and jschlatt win the lmanberg election', the november 16th stream (building a house), the george lore stream (not the 'doing george lore' one but the one that was george streaming, with dreamxd), the friendsgiving stream (mainly karls pov, but there are few others) and the 'is dream smp over' stream. they give you a lot of insight on what cgeorge used to be like vs what he is like now.

the biggest thing about cgeorge is how completely independent he used to be and you can see the decline from doing whatever the hell he wants (like running for vice of the nation he wanted destroyed) to being the wreck of a person after his entire family fell apart that cgeorge is now.

for that i also reccomend the lmanberg independence war vids from punzs pov, theyre great base for cgeorges characterisation

other than that few little things that can translate into bigger things depends on what context you write in:

cgeorge actually likes ckarl. like They Live Together and once they were implied to be married where in the same sentence ckarl told csapnap to live in a different house

cgeorge is probably autistic with adhd. at the very least he is very ND coded (using the word coded lightly) imo

whether cgeorge cares about sth happenning is completely up to luck. its like a game of russian roulette and i dont think even cgeorge knows when or why he cares about certain things

cgeorge is the epitome of choosing the people over things. even tho hed complain a lot about not being stacked (believeing not wearing armour is 'being naked' per cdreams words) he doesnt care about material things unless they have emotional meaning to them. a characteristic cgeorge shares with ccgeorge, where hed let sams armour and things burn, but started frantically insisting on saving him once he learnt nikis christmas gifts would also get destroyed

the point of cgeorges character at the moment of the story were in is that if given a chance hed destroy his own very home he helped create. and he definitely doesn't feel safe in his own head or like a person anymore. big derealization and depersonalization issues

other than that i reccomend making him sharper and more contrasting than he is in canon. more aggressive, a bit more vicious, only putting csapnap over everything (remember that its csapnap who was invited to the red banquet but it was cgeorge who actually went), more protective of his own people while not minding murdering them (a trend we see in the ogs, i.e hunters + cpunz). let him be enthusiastic about picking flowers and baking bread as well as killing ans breaking people's bones.

also let him be smart and know things. personally id recommend transforming ccgeorges 'knows a fuckton and loves to talk about technicalities of things like youtube and stuff' trait to cgeorges 'knows a fuckton and loves to talk about technicalities of like torture and assassination and shit'. also science. theres no fucking way cgeorge is not a science nerd so keep that in mind.

it's rly rly important how much cgeorge loves nature. youll see it in the way he got mad at cdream killing the dogs in the early days, or how theyd keep foxes in the house even tho he couldnt tame them, and how while sarcastically praising lmanberg he stood at the crater reclaimed by nature and went 'it actually is pretty nice'.

also!! his trauma response is fawning. thats also important to keep in mind. it really matters wyen it comes to his relationship with cdream

and when it comes to my personally liked quirks about his characterization, i like to think cgeorge and jinx from arcane are very similar. rly smart, rly deadly, rly needing therapy. oh and blue coded <33

but yeah sry if this is very rambly and inconcise, if you have any more specific questions you can always ask or dm me <33 good like with writing your story!!

[garak]

@marblekuchen: thank you so much for the extensive reply! I appreciate your thoughts and its inspiring to read such a raw take on him :) good luck with your work, if you feel like it id be interested to hear what you think about kkgai after the 4th war, but no pressure.

you dont know the demon you're awakening asking me to talk about kkg ive been thinking about them on and off for literally a decade now. again i know ill run long so my thoughts on them post 4th war under the cut

i have to be honest i have only read/watched konoha shinden and some small snippets of boruto in terms of the canon timeline (although i guess konoha shinden is filler lol) so my understanding of what actually happens in canon is much blurrier here. if there are small moments of them in between sasuke fighting a dinosaur and jiraiyas evil clone plotting against konoha or whatever i really wouldnt know it because i honestly dont need to know. im sorry im a fake fan i like all the side character kids but i cannot find it in my heart to love boruto the boy. he pisses me off.

that being said i loveeeeee them in konoha shinden i think their relationship is so beautiful. in my mind theyre in long term domestic partnership that no one is willing to really say anything about because technically theres nothing anyone can actually do about it because hes literally the sixth hokage lol. which still blows my mind what do you mean we went from hashirama senju to fucking kakashi you know back in those days having kage-level power actually meant something... ninja society is cooked. but still i think its beautiful that they have each other in the aftermath of everything like i know they were both struggling hard af those first few months especially gai (kks too i guess but whatever none of his students died in fact one came back so he should count himself lucky). that theyre still doing their weird gay rivals thing even after all these years... it brings a tear to my eye. gai put in the effort for all those years even when no one else cared and at the end of the day he won because you know what that rivalry WAS eternal.

i think what strikes me the most about them in konoha shinden is how open kakashi is and how willing gai is to accept his limits, both being things that they often struggled to do in their youth. gai surviving the 8th gate but it permanently disabling him is lowkey the perfect ending for him because it forces him to actually confront his flaws and allows him to retire and pursue his true calling: writing a book. one thing i love about gai is that hes sort of a commentary on a certain kind of almost campy heroic archetype and part of that is his over the top speech patterns and penchant for poetic language. anything that metatextually references that trait makes me smile and i also think its fun that now he and kakashi are both connoisseurs of trashy books. that and teaching at the academy are such perfect jobs for him idk i honestly think gais got it made this is the best ending for him. kks... i imagine being hokage wasnt exactly the best fit for him seeing as he really has no talent for politics and would rather be sitting in a tree reading porn. but seeing as hes retired now im sure he has plenty of time to do that alongside dressing up like another person and pretending he isnt himself. honestly im glad that kakashi is still his weird depressed perverted self well into his 40s its inspirational. but compared to the kakashi of yesteryear boruto kakashi is a little more willing to talk about his emotions outside of combat scenarios which for someone like him is massive progress... i love konoha shinden im sorry im getting emotional thinking about how far theyve come.

for my thoughts that have no basis in canon yet i find in my heart be true. i fully believe that theyre living together and are essentially married but kakashi never bothered to actually legalize gay marriage and now hes putting off telling naruto to do it because he knows the conversation is gonna be really awkward. in a more perfect world i.e. the boruto i made up in my mind they would be married and they would babysit metal when lee was on missions and gai would be wayyyyyy too involved in the PTA at the academy and kakashi would sit on gai's back every day in the morning when he did his pushups and eventually he would pick up the habit of writing from gai and would write his own series of trashy porn novels under a pseudonym but they would flop and have no impact and only after he stopped writing them would it come out that he was the author and suddenly everyone would want to talk to him about them because they were highkey crazy like 50 shades of grey helicopter crash crazy. technically this could still happen in boruto theres still time but im not holding out hope

id be so happy to hear more about your thoughts on Gai, I've been trying to picture him outside of the wooby fandom lens more o7 regarding the breathing exercise example I can imagine he'd perhaps even yell at Kakashi to get a hold of himself ( could be out of panic reasons but also bc of gais standards for excellence. gestures )

ok this is gonna get long and jumbled so its going under the cut

first off in regards to the panic attack thing lets be real here he would punch him in the face. if he was willing to do it to 12 year old lee to snap him out of distraction he would be more than willing to do it to kakashi.

this leads to my first point of contention with gai's characterization in fandom which is that hes like a well adjusted person. gai is not necessarily better adjusted, its just that he (ironically) is able to channel most of his frustration and anger into things that are more socially acceptable, or rather, things that benefit the status quo. i'm not going to get too deep in the reeds on ninja society and its evils because i assume anyone who follows this blog is already well aware of what i think about the village system and the necessity of violence to keep it going. gai is not in any way exempt from his role in that. i think that what people fail to understand is that while kks and gai are very obviously opposites and foils to each other, they are also very similar especially in their relationships to the village. gai honestly is worse than kks in this way because hes an 8 gates user which is explicitly a suicide jutsu, but both of them have committed themselves to being weapons first and foremost which is an inherently unhealthy relationship to have to one's own body. gai's obsession with training and pushing himself past the limit as well as the whole idea of the self rule (literally self-imposed punishment) is unhealthy! him pushing these same ideas onto lee to turn him into a weapon as well is unhealthy!

his relationship with his father and with lee i think give us the best idea of gai's true character and beliefs. i'll go over lee first because i think he gives us the best sense of how gai thinks about himself. gai obviously sees lee as a mini version of himself, and thus we can assume the things that he tells lee are generally the same things he tells himself. this is most important in regards to his self-worth and reason to live being directly tied to physical ability and rank as a shinobi. gais insistence that lee get the surgery after the chuunin exams despite it possibly being a death sentence reinforces the idea that it's better to be dead than be disabled or even just not a shinobi (the first part he eventually rescinds while the second seems to still trouble him). while he does positively reinforce his students at times and does not punish them for their failures, he does feed lee the idea of the self rule which means lee will automatically punish himself for failure without gai's intervention, and he does physically punish at least lee when he steps out of line or disobeys him. this is played for laughs but still shouldnt be disregarded as an important part of the way gai's entire life revolves around physicality and violence as well as his belief in hierarchy and obedience (like i said, reproduction of the values of the shinobi system). he also teaches lee the 8 gates which is such an obviously crazy thing to do that even kakashi (who famously taught his friend killing jutsu to sasuke and then got mad when sasuke tried to use it to kill his friends) calls him out on it being reckless, saying he lost respect for gai because of it. gai sticks to his guns, of course, because self sacrifice is gais whole thing even when not strictly necessary.

this brings us to dai and the 8 gates more broadly, which also ties back into his parallels with kks. i think people often gloss over the fact that both of their fathers killed themselves, albeit in very different ways, because naruto often frames purposeful self-sacrifice as noble in a way that suicide is not when those are effectively the same thing. but the 8 gates is a suicide jutsu there is no way around that, it is a technique that allows you to become powerful at the expense of your health up until it kills you and you have to choose to open the 8th gate thus choosing to die. this is the technique gai's father teaches to him and that he teaches to his (surrogate) son. dai i think plays a big role in gai's whole ethos of silent suffering since he teaches gai at a very young age to respond to any detraction with a smile. i do think that gai is a genuinely upbeat and high-energy person, but some of that exuberance and positivity is def an act (or at this point an automatic response in the face of a world that still doesn't respect him). gai comes off as very confident, but we can see through his rivalry with kakashi that a lot of that is just bluster and that he really does desire approval and recognition, which is in part because of his father's reputation and also because of his own shortcomings in ninjutsu and taijutsu. i wouldn't say that gai is insecure, because i think in general he is very proud of himself and sure in his abilities, but rather it's that he never stops feeling the need to improve himself because even as a jounin people still don't really respect him. he's sort of like naruto in this way.

okay this is getting out of hand i've lost the plot of what i was trying to talk about. as an easier way of formatting my thoughts HERE is a list of important gai traits:

competitive

dramatic

emotional

loyal

off-putting to most people

self-sacrificing and self-punishing

dislikes showing negative emotion (crying not included)

strict with his subordinates

determined past the point of reason

poetic and verbose

obsessive over improvement

will disagree with kakashi whenever possible

kills people with his hands for a living

here is a list of things that gai is not:

unaware of how he is perceived

always positive

always honest

emotionally intelligent or perceptive

stupid

impatient

good at talking to people in a way that reaches them

well-adjusted

insecure (especially about his body lol)

a quitter

gai is one of my favourite characters of all time despite his many shortcomings and the fact that hes mostly comic relief so i apologize for running long but thats how you know i care. theres more that i could say about him especially in regards to how him and kakashi play off each other thematically but i didnt want to go too deep into the kkg stuff because i think sometimes his relationship with kks clouds the way people see him as an independent entity. he also undergoes actual character development multiple times so its important to think about where he is in his life when thinking about how he would act lol. i could go on with more examples but i won't for now because i have actual serious things to work on that need doing but hopefully this serves as a decent survey of some of my thoughts on gai

[deadandphilgames]

Genuine question are you out to like everyone? If so, did you have a mental hurtle to get over? If not, do you want to some day? Lastly do you have any advice for someone struggling to justify coming out?

This got a bit long winded so ill put it under a cut 💜

im out to everyone except my family.

yes, i struggled a lot with coming out to myself and most of the people around me. i was about 7 when i learnt what being a lesbian meant because my sister would use it as an insult to me and call me a “stupid lesbian”, then my mother said that she would be “disappointed” if one of her children was gay :) so that had a lot of impact on me even to this day. the main mental hurtle was shame, i felt disgusting and wrong and broken. I would often cry about it and felt like i was worthless, and would actively try to ignore this part of myself (which didnt work). i was about 14 when i came out for the first time. and honestly, i felt worse afterwards. i came out as bi at the time because that was how i felt, i was still convinced i could be attracted to boys and just chose to marry a guy and never have to deal with it (i know thats not how being bi works but 14 year old me had a lot of internalised homophobia)

After i came out, i felt really idk wrong and gross, mainly because i now realised like this was a part of my identity that i was stuck with and i had to accept that one day i would make my mum disappointed because her daughter is gay. 

once i turned 17 i had come out to most of my friends, the reason was that i had started to attempt to feel okay with being gay by making jokes, and i didnt want them thinking i was homophobic akdasjd. it still felt weird and uncomfortable coming out honestly, because i wasnt comfortable with my identity and it kinda felt rushed i guess? i felt like i needed to tell everyone i could so then i would have to feel okay with it. idk i had no logic to it i just wanted to stop feeling wrong. 

i do hope to be out to my family one day and not care about their opinions but i know that wont happen soon, im just not ready for them to know and that is perfectly okay. 

My advice is that coming out is overrated in a sense. its not going to magically make you feel loved and accepted, and i wish id been told that as a child so i didnt feel rushed to come out to all my friends. if you dont want to tell anyone, dont. its no ones business but your own. the closet exists for a reason: for you to feel safe. if you feel safer and happier not announcing to everyone your sexuality you dont have to.

a thing that really helped me was tumblr honestly. seeing how many people on here arent cishet made me feel less alone and it also made me stop associating the word “lesbian” with an insult (i didnt use lesbian as a term for myself until i was 20 because up until then it still felt like a bad thing that my sister used to insult me), so if you want to start feeling ready to come out, id say start small and online. you dont need to post a coming out post, you can just add your identity to your bio on tumblr and bam, youve just come out in a casual way. 

you shouldnt feel pressured or feel the need to justify coming out. you can tell whoever you want whenever youre ready, theres no rush. its perfectly okay to keep it to yourself, and its equally as okay to shout it from the rooftops, you just need to do whatever feels right for you

[artsninspo]

Heartbreak 2/3

Masterlist

Part I

Warnings: Smut, Dom Kink

Pairing: Erik x OC/Reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Processing a break up can be hard, especially as the perfect woman to an ungrateful asshole. Healing from heartbreak Elle finds herself finding comfort in Erik’s company but he’s offering more than just kind words as a consolation. Oh, and Erik’s the ungrateful asshole ex’s cousin.

Bayyyyyyyybeeee I’m hot just like an oven, I need some lovin’

“Honestly Elle whats wrong with you? He cheated so what if you fuck his cousin? At this point I encourage it cause you’re interrupting my me time with your lonely ass” Her bestie says over face time getting an annoyed eye-roll in response. There was something about Erik that Elle couldn’t shake. The little details of decor in the house, how kind he’d been, how he’d seriously just given her such a nice place, for free and with no strings attached. He was mindfucking her, literally. He was there in almost every idle thought.

“Put yourself out of misery and just do it”

“You're giving me bad advice” Elle shout’s continuing to cook when she hear’s footsteps. “Hello?” She ask’s bracing herself until Erik rounds the corner.

“Hey sorry to bother you, I just need something” He comments looking at his phone and somewhere else. Its disappointing when he doesn’t make an effort to give her further acknowledgement disappearing down a corridor.

“Look at you all pouty like a puppy” Reese whispers making Elle rush to her earpods - “come on you deserve to be fucked and good by someone who knows how” Reese says sending Elle into full blush. Only her best friend could repurpose romantic lines from movies to get her all worked up.

“Shut up Reese, I’ll call you back”

“When you do I want full details, offer him some food - balls empty, belly full” Reese winks over the phone before Elle hangs up heading back to the pot of food and stirring.  Elle continues with her culinary delights even after she hears footsteps and feels Eriks eyes canvassing her body, her hair tucked neatly into a low bun as she cooks in a short house dress.

“Hey” He knocks on the wall not startle her.

“Hey” Elle smiles turning to face him.

“Everything okay with you and the condo?”

“Yeah thanks again, it’s pretty perfect. I really appreciate it Erik” Elle responds honestly as he puts down a black box.

“There’s enough for you if you want some”

“Sure” Erik shrugs as she reaches into the cupboards.

“You bought plates” He comments.

“You know all those disposable utensils are no good for the environment” Elle comments setting the island and serving him his plate of food like she had for Aaron so many times only for him to take his plate to the couch choosing the game over her.

“My bad” Erik surrenders making her laugh as she sits.

“So engineering affords two pads and multiple cars” Elle shrugs making conversation.

“I have a few secrets; none that’ll land me back in jail” Erik jokes.

“We’ll I’d fundraise to get you the bail money” Elles words make him smile and he takes a spoonful savouring the food before devouring another spoonful in shock.

“Where the fuck you learn to cook like this?” He snaps getting a shrug in response. “You cook like this all the time?”

Elle stands opening the refrigerator and pulling out containers of food.

“All from the last week, I’m used to cooking for more than myself and forgot to adjust” she shrugs. Erik full out grins at the idea. “You’re terrible”

“I know” Erik shrugs. “He realize you’re done yet?”

“I think, he arranged couples therapy for the both of us but I’m not going. The things he said about me to other women — theres no coming back from it”

“What’d he say?” Erik asks putting his for down.

“A lot when all I ever did was try to keep him comfortable and happy”

“Classy even still” Erik comments.

“No, ill do him one better than gossip and strippers” She winks playfully.

“Don’t get me excited now”

“Why not?” Elle asks and Erik scoffs in disbelief.

“I have a job that I’m obligated to do in a few hours”

“I’ll be here when you’re done” Elle shrugs getting a blink in shock. “And I don’t want you to treat me like a princess either” she trails.

“No?” Erik asks turning to her, his eyes scan her body language, and the vicinity for liquor. He finds no indicators she’s bluffing. Sitting back in the chair he admires her full figure from her head to her toes, stopping at her brown eyes.

“No” she affirms with confidence.

“What do you want?” He asks.

“You to do whatever you want”

“Thats a lot, it’ll take more than a night and I’m not sure you can handle it princess” he smiles taking her chin and pinching her pouty bottom lip as he uses it to pull her in. His lips find hers gently as he stands down from the bar chair pressing her against the island before sitting her on the island counter.

“One last chance to be a Princess”

“If I’m never going to hear the end of it I might as well go all out, get the full experience”

Paint me like one of your French girls.

Rather, fuck me like one of your bimbo’s.

Everything was crystal clear to Erik, Elle was finally done making sure everyone else was happy before her.

His eyes darken as his smirk deepens giving her goosebumps.

“If you flinch or pull away, ill punish you for it. Alright Kitten?” He teases in her ear.

“Yes”

“Yes who?”

“Erik”

Her words were music to his ears but he knows he can’t rush it. She sits obediently looking straight ahead at him. Batting her long black lashes with every blink. Beautiful almond, deep set eyes that never missed anything waiting for the next direction and begging him to take control. He could see how much she wants it.

“Are you sure?” He asks pecking her lips before trailing down her neck persuasively.

“Yes … yes Erik” she corrects as he runs his teeth down to her collarbone, taking her soft flesh between his teeth and pulling away. Her back arches as he pulls her closer to him cupping her ass and dominating her mouth with a rough kiss that leaves her lips swollen and wanting more when he pulls away. Her heart races as he makes his way around the counter and she scoots back  from the edge sitting more comfortably. He comes back with a scissors and sets it beside her. Elles heart races as she sees the shears at her side and Eriks power-drunk and lust-filled eyes in front of her. Anticipating his next move she gasps after he spreads her legs.

Giving her a warning look he steps back.

“Permission to speak?” Elle asks dizzy with the possibilities of it all.

“Sorry for that” she whispers searching her eyes.

“What I don’t understand” Erik swallows. “Is how” he speaks with his palms on her knees. His eyes looking directly into hers as he keeps her legs spread stretching her out already. “You can sit here in front of me looking like you do and have no idea of how sexy you are or your power?” Erik speaks candidly. “Guess I’ll have to show you” he swallows as she creams, nipples hardening and the goosebumps spreading all over her body. Ripe and ready to be devoured Erik’s lust.

He moves quick hand reaching to her intimate area and sliding his fingers around the fabric of her panties crotch pulling her forward as one hand supports the gesture.

Erik smiles at the shock in her eyes and arousal on his fingers tasting it.

“Let me find out Kitten’s a bad girl” he smiles licking his fingers clean.

“You want to taste how bad you need this?” Erik asks and her eyes close as a shudder ripples through her. No one had ever spoken to her like this. They’d only eyes treated her with the upmost respect and consideration. Neglecting the fact that that may not always be what she wanted.

“Open your eyes and answer correctly, don’t be rude Kitty” he grabs her neck applying pressure that only adds to the stimulation.

“Yes Erik”  her voice is a gasp as the air in her lungs is limited. “Yes, I want to taste” she breathes only to be relieved of the tension for moments before his lips crash onto hers.

“Keep them like this” He growls pushing her legs open nose and putting one finger into her slowly watching her back arch. Elles eyes lower as the sensation and anticipation for more builds. “You’re trying to embarrass me huh? With how good you feel” Erik shakes his head taking her hand and letting her feel how hard he is already.

“Will you take care of that for me later”

“Yes, Erik”

“Good girl” he smiles  feeling her heart race as he picks up the scissors pulling away before taking the fabric from the bottom of her dress and cutting it up the middle. Letting the cold metal drag against her skin in some places.

“Perfect” he comments surveying her again. He moves in again clipping the straps of the dress off causing the fabric to fall leaving her in her intimates. She’s so wet the fabrics dark colored surface area grows. Until he cuts her thong too. Holding her by the neck as he lays her down onto the marble counter of the island.

Elles eyes close immediately as the anticipation comes to an end. The rush of pleasure is eminent. The fore play so excellent that her sensitivity makes every touch that much more arousing. Her breathing catches as his tongue probes and slurps her juices ravenously. There’s no release as her stomach rises and falls as her breath quickens. Eriks so good at eating pussy adding his middle finger  is too much.

“Baby” she moans palms flat on the cold marble as her back arches to the ceiling. “Fuuuuuuu—cuuuuh” biting her lip and trying not to squirm it takes everything not to be louder. “Mmmmmm, feeels so good” she quips seizing up in silence as she comes with a hard rush. Erik doesn’t move refusing to let up leaving his mouth on her as she feels his tongue ducking her sensually before French kissing her other set of lips again.

Yearning for his lips as his hands rub the inside of her thighs Erik smiles seeing the satisfaction in her eyes.

“Show me those titties before you kiss me” his voice is low and guttural. Elle sits up slowly arousal and her climax still rushing through her as she frees her arms of the straps first before looking at Erik through her lashes, pushing down the cups as he watches.

“Come here now” he grits grabbing her and carrying her with ease to her bedroom. His kiss is relentless, aggressive and slow.

“This how you want it?” Erik asks pulling her face from his abruptly breaking the kiss.

Eriks grin grows at her visible delirium knowing he’d only scratched the surface.

“Take my belt off and hand it to me”  Erik says watching her return to reality as the wheels turn. She smells trouble but her arousal keeps her obedient. Sitting up she looks up for permission before freeing the belt from its loop.

“You know what’s next don’t you” Erik asks once his belt is placed in his hands. “I’ll take it easy cause you didn’t know any better but I want you on all fours to take this punishment. Promise you’re done fucking with lame niggas that don’t deserve you” Erik speaks. Her eyes grow wide and she gives him a look that’s impossible to ignore. Shaking her head in avoidance of her punishment.

“You can take it” he sighs positioning her in front of him. If his pants were off it would be perfect for doggy style.

“One” he speaks watching her ass jiggle from the lash and rubbing the pain away. She doesn’t flinch until the third whimpering just a little as he continues in the same spot. Four and five get small whimpers before he pulls her up back against his chest folding her tits and whispering his plans for her in her ear.

Undressing,  Elles silence only makes Erik want her more. She watches him careful alert and eager. His dick springs free from his boxer briefs  revealing a pleasant surprise. Her hand reaches forward striking his length with the perfect rhythm and grip.

“You’re such a good girl aren’t you” he slaps her cheek with his four fingertips, eliciting a nod. We slips out of control as she continues before feeling her center is slick with anticipation all over again.

“You like it rough don’t you Kitten” he smiles slipping a finger in and causing her to recoil. “Usually if you were some bitch I was tucking I’d hit it from the back but I need to see those pretty eyes first.

Her eyes don’t disappoint as he slides in slowly, inch by inch, stretching her out as he gives her tits special attention. She melts moaning with pleasure eager to take all of him.

“I wish you were my first” she breathes in absolute bliss her fingers entangled I’m his links. Nearly ruining him before they start.

“Fuck” Erik grits coming after only a few strokes and in record time.

They share a kiss acknowledging the moment and emotion between them. The attraction, the list, the need and when it’s over Erik let’s go. Recovering quickly his strokes are relentless, pleasure oozing through and out of her as she struggles to contain herself. Moaning in affirmation of his every move. Carefully designed to make her cum, hard, fast and repeatedly.

I’m waves. It’s the perfect storm.

Side by side, panting and spent they lay completely satisfied and overcome it all. Shining in an afterglow, rugged breaths. Reaching over Erik pulls her head onto his chest rubbing her arm as his breath normalizes.

It’s completely silent for twenty minutes before Elle gets up to pee taking the time to look in the mirror and freshen up. She’d never done anything like that. No one had ever take care of her so well. Heading back into the room she stops seeing Erik has changed the sheets. A small gesture but thoughtful and kind.

“Permission to speak”

“You can say whatever you want we’re done unless you want some more”

“Adrenaline is the only reason I’m standing” she smiles looking down nervously.

“What?” His jaw clenches as he watches her be unsure of herself.

“Can you stay the night?”

Erik nods in response making her smile. “Lie down, I’ll be back” he says heading to the bathroom himself to cancel his plans indefinitely before getting in the bed and holding her until they both fall asleep.

———-

The sound of sports and the smell of breakfast wake Elle from her sleep. Her body aches but the pain is a reminder of her night and gives her some satisfaction. Heading to the bathroom there’s a newness to her reflection. Feeling happy for the first time in weeks she pads to the kitchen finding Erik at the stove and an incredible spread I’m front of him.

“Morning” she speaks only to get eye daggers thrown at her.

“You should be in bed”

“Erik you made all this?” Elle looks surprised.

“You need to eat and relax” he comments making her smile.

“Thank you” she giggles her sunny personality dawning again for the first time in a long time.  “For this and for last night”

“Just don’t tell anyone I bust in three minutes round one inside you” Erik warns.

“Pinky swear” she winks in agreement and he lowers kissing the spot on her neck that always makes her melt.

“Alright I gotta go, take it easy today, remember, call me”.  He smiles getting his box he came for and leaving.

Aaron who?

____

Authors Note:

Hope you enjoyed! I decided to make it a 2 part short instead of a 2 part. Hope you enjoy. How do we feel? And how sick is Aaron going to be if/when he finds out Erik had his ex in ways he never did?

____

Taglist:

@nijajoha​  @iamrheaspeaks​ @4tprincess​  @justgetitoverwith0​ @queenflaws​ @l-auteuse​  @twistedcharismaaa​  @thickemadame​  @abeautifulmindexposed​  @crownvic925​  @acceptyourselfloveyourself​  @soulfulbeauty19​  @xo-goldengirl​  @chaneajoyyy​  @longpause-awkwardsmile​  @taylrdwade @coveredingodiv @champagnesugamama​ @heavensangelxo​ @bugngiz​​ @cherrystainedlipsbaby​​ @tip222u​​ @keiva1000​​ @ljstraightnochaser​​ @doublesidedscoobysnacks​ @shalynn-m​ @bakarilennox​ @tyees​

[grandzealot]

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog. REPOST. Don’t reblog.

WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE?:   atticus (starling) and richter ( #atticus and richter )

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?:  i cant rly do any new deep authentic romance here so im mostly here for all other things? lighter or more superficial or disastrous etc. richters more sexually driven than romantically driven but im not generally into smut  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i do like writing him navigating relationships horribly tho and its natural to hint at his lustful thoughts if hes with someone he desires

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?: i start disliking it at about ten years. at fifteen or so ill usually refuse. within five years of one another is ideal. i do make exceptions if im comfy writing w someone but its genuinely not a thing i just lightly step into for tmi irl personal history lmao

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?:   yes but richter is a canon character so honestly anyone can have at him in their characters own canon— im just not necessarily interested in writing this richter in that role. i care about both writing and character chemistry  

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED NS.FW?: i think before id fade to black before bathing suit areas were touched but honestly these days i dont think id do even heavy kissing here lmao ( i actually have an easier time drawing those things tho bc its more of an aesthetic exercise then )

WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH?: ahhhh so many great combinations (and some going no deeper than almost kisses necessarily.) ive written lots over the last 4 years but as far as who ive had inbox interactions with these last couple weeks or whatever being back: @america-redefined @atomsandnothingness @glowfelt @griimreaping @hellbentwidow ...& @beenpole is a special one bc marcie and richter interactions have been around since i started this blog and shes one of the characters richter always feels deeply about c: <3 theres honestly a lot more and the potential for a lot more i just went through my drafts and inbox to see whos around recently who i have shippy stuff to answer for lmao

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?:   idk honestly. usually if it feels like theres a spark there ill mention it eventually but i think i have been too intimidated to say things sometimes lmao. i do need our characters to interact first to get a feel for it i think unless im comfortable w the other mun and we just plan a no pressure character fling lmao

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?:  its hard to say because it is easy to write for when that interest is there but i do get worn out feeling like my blog is full of shipping after a few replies in a row lmao

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?: yes and by default richters super monogamous so he usually has to be multiverse ( tho some of his incarnations are not like that )

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS?: i think this was answered two questions up... but i am sorta obsessed w my best friends character and our ship but that feels more like it mixes into personal writing and development more than tumblr rp at this point. i post a lot of inspo for it here where i can access it easily with tags but im interacting w other people here to grow in my writing and maybe learn and experiment with new things    

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?:  lady maria of the astral clocktower extending her hand into the heartspace of player character i, tenderly visceralling me into deaths equally sweet embrace as her elegant boss theme leads us into the YOU DIED overlay 

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?:  by default just rp w me platonically and ill probably bring it up if it feels like theres something? alternatively you could directly ask and ill say what i think at that time but if i dont know you or your character that well probably dont ask bc ppl being directly after ships is offputting to someone like me? theres nothing wrong with being really into ships and being down to just dive into one – youre probably just better matched w someone whose writing is inspired in the same way? 

tagged by: @beenpole​ * ( sorta lol ) tagging: anyone interested c:

[luau-lmao]

Polarium & Polarium advance

Review Written by LUAU_lmao

polarium is neat but simple and polarium advance is the sequel not the original and its neat but complicated 6 & 7 /10 bye.

No, im kidding but this will be a pretty short review considerring the nature of the game itself, polarium as a whole centers around making the blocks all the same color horizontally so they disappear, sorta like a reverse tetris.

the now-defunct Developer; Mitchell corporation,  where very also keen on a certain presentation with polarium with its general soundstyle being calm and serene but industrial sorta adding a little bit of stress in the process, letting you figure out your plan of action while in the gameplay aspect you dont really have all that much.

You have versus mode, which is over it.

You have challenge mode which is arguably the most involved mode in the game, its where stacks of premade blocks fall from the top and if the stack reaches the top, done-zo. So this mode is exactly reverse tetris, like I was talking about. Theres a free space underneath the pile so you can reach around and get all the tiles in the stack if you can.

And like also previously stated, thats pretty much the meatiest mode in the game. Theres the puzzle mode which is too simple to even give a damn about,

which is sorta self explanatory in and of itself considerring this was a launch title for the DS in japan, so maybe im being too hard on this game, but I don't know, I was like, 12 when the ds came out, im 22 now. Think I got time to think about the past? Shoot thats reserved for old people and district attorneys, and I aint neither.

And Speaking of the past

BABAYUM

Heres polarium advance, a day late[2006] and a dollar short[Gameboy Advance].

Even with the GBA backwards compatibility on the DS this thing was destined to fail

The DS came out in fucking 2004,

Why did mitchell do this?!?

the gba market wasnt very much alive like that anymore, they completely tanked the sales by doing this.

What where they thinking??

fucking......

moving on, Polarium advance feels a lot more like its own thing.

Its much more puzzle based with the basis of the game being trying to do a premade puzzle a day and numerous goals on top of it. Gold star's, closed free spaces, locked tiles.

That and plus you can change the color of the tiles now so you dont feel like you're erasing a goddamn grand piano from existence.

There's a very nice backdrop now with a gosh dang bird on a tree branch.

And some nice oriental aesthetic clouds.

And music is a good amount softer and more playful, where the DS original was saying “hey make sure you get this shit done or ya fired” to polarium advance  saying “ hey buddy, try to get this done if you can, no pressure man, take ya time”

which is very much appreciated this time around, since there puzzles get a bunch harder since they're the bread and buttuh now.

All the time these puzzles will leave me baffled with how to beat it and ill be thinking about it while im out doing stuff and not even when im bored, like all the time, ill be trying to figure out how to solve it in my head and a few days later, ill go back to the game and ill get it the first try.

And its honestly been a long time since a game has done that to me, where ill be thinking about it in the back of my mind and try to solve whatever challenge im facing, gaming just rarely does that for me anymore and its so nice to have that sort of thing reoccur after having not experienced that in such a long time you have no idea.

It lacks variety in modes along with being on the gba and fully focusing on the puzzles. But honestly im sorta fine with that.

and thats about it.

Im not giving it a number because thats a dumb thing people do.

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[timdrakegeocities]

i keep having these big anxieties lately about gender... like Wow what if im not a man? What if actually when i try to transition ill hate it? Ummm why do you think you cant be yourself as a woman why do you have to be a man??? and i like... have to remember that... i have not actually really asserted myself as being straight up A Man anyway, tbh i like only call myself one in comparison to others or like to prevent being wrongly grouped... and like it doesnt Matter why im unsatisfied with my body, its like philosophically literally fine to just pursue whatever will be better as long as its not like truly maladaptive and i think that even if transitioning is somehow not "correct" its. still healthier by far than either reactivating an ed or maintaining the like weird and distressing amount of disconnect from my appearance i currently have... it doesnt have to matter Why the only way i can healthily picture a version of myself that i both like and feel is realistic is as a dude. like... the problems i have with feeling like i look weird and embarrassing honestly dont even really relate to 'oh as A Woman i feel pressured to look different' its that i just feel like... confused... by myself... and the primary thing i feel embarrassed about w my looks is i feel like i come off as childish which is an obscure and ungendered problem... the idea of being read as a dude literally makes me feel better about my height and weight and age and hobbies and everything, yknow, like i cant... define why, it just is like... instead of fantasizing about being a Hotter Self that i still dont identify with i just like slap a beard and little bit of muscle tone on my regular self and am like, yeah thats good. like the only thing im scared of with transition really is like... the idea of an inbetween stage that lasts too long or like if it feels like theres zero way to start passing... i dont wanna deal with people being weird to me and with being frustrated by waiting for changes to intensify... like i dont think that transition will like ruin my Girl Hotness or anything im just worried about having to wait years and years to develop good stubble yknow. thats whats scary. which means i should be starting sooner than later im just... scared of doctors... i dont wanna go places and like justify myself and. i guess its unfortunately very much a Mortifying Ordeal Of Being Known thing like im not scared of doctors overall for literal health stuff i just feel really freaked out by the idea of having to tell a stranger i'm trans i guess. bc of the fear of having to try to justify myself and not really knowing how to do that so thats why ive started having crises about whether i should be pursuing it at all. hhhhhhh... god... why cant i just like go to the pharmacy section of target and buy dick pills. terfs act like this shit is so dangerously easy to do like you trip on the sidewalk and an ambulance screeches up and injects gender into your peter griffin skinned knee. bro i fucking wish