#like ik theres not supposed to be any rewars for getting better and doing better othsn than . ur own satisifaction
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#emotions make me so.fucking uncomfortable. all of them#so this genuinely feelsike the world ending and it shouldnt but i cant help but ceel that it is#im just frustrated bc i KNOWWW it isnt#and i know this means more money bc ill overwork myself as a way to deal w it#and save my cash bc i wont be apwnding it on shit like alc or . wtv it is i seemed to lose money on bc of him#i just . i feel so shattered regardless and thats so infuriating#that i can actually allow someone to maks ms feel like this even tho its not all bad#this is just the negstivr side of . it.#im not making sense and im yrying to make sense of how i fucking feel bc i dont rlly know !!!! im not gonna lie !!!!#all i know is my chest hurts Nd i cant stop xrying abt it !!! butbill be fine !!! bc i havw to be !!! i alwahs am !!!!#i elly thoughy i couldve done it this time lmao#but nope ! it ended the fucking same way like usual bc icannot keep my shit in check#and its EXHAUSTING trying to do that and i hate kmowing the damage i did#bc getting better is hard and at some point i just Stop trying bc it wears me down#like ik theres not supposed to be any rewars for getting better and doing better othsn than . ur own satisifaction#but my god . it fucking sucks when the only reward i got for trying so fucking hard was . exhaustion and the same feeling#and bullshit still continuing.
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