#like if a psychotic episode just happens it sucks but I can kind of accept that our brain is just doing what it does

[thethingything]

anyway I guess if we suddenly start posting stuff that's extra unhinged or sounding really frantic or not making much sense or whatever, that'll probably be the medication side effects.

I'm saying this in advance just in case because I know sometimes when our psychosis gets really bad we start saying weird shit to people and not being able to tell how weird any of it sounds but still freaking out thinking everything we say must sound completely insane and I also know that if we try to be like "I'm manic/experiencing this delusion/having a really bad psychotic episode" while in the middle of experiencing it, that mostly makes us freak out more because our paranoia makes us think everyone's about to shun us over it and we start to feel like we're in trouble for it

[schizosupport]

Not asking for medical advice, just commiseration really I guess? Yesterday I came out of my 4th ever psychiatrist appointment having been taken off my meds (which I did ask for) and then summarily dismissed because he'd decided, since our last appointment was in february, that everything I'd experienced was not persistent/consistent and therefore not worth digging into or attempting further diagnosis. He didn't ask me any questions about any of my delusions or psychotic episodes before coming to that conclusion and referring to everything in the past tense, and i even brought up that me and my psychologist, who I employ privately, have been going through the ease scale and I flag up sooooo maaaaany red flags for disorganised thought relating specifically to the prodrome of schizophrenia, and I'm finding it so hard to even think in a straight line, could you please ask me more questions interview-style so we can dig more into it because it's not past tense but I don't know what to tell you about because its getting harder and harder to tell what's normal and what's just normal for me. And he just didn't want to know. I said I really really need some kind of psychotic feature on my notes because every time I go into a+e actively having an episode, I get bounced because they think im overreacting or just having "emotional dysregulation" because during covid an unqualified physician put "borderline traits" on my sheet and now that's all anyone ever looks at, despite it being inaccurate. And he got very frustrated with me for insisting because he considers his office to be totally separate from all the other hospital features, which I get, but why not do me a bloody favour and just make it that much easier to get proper care when I need it? But he doesn't think I have been having psychotic episodes, I think because I was calm and collected in the appt rather than dishevelled and visibly frightened. He considers everything to fall under obsessions and excessive rumination when it's just not the case. I feel so immensely let down and scared for the future. I'm really worried about whatll happen if I get really bad again. I've lost my job again because I was so paranoid and afraid I just stopped going in, and he doesn't consider that fear or paranoia to be disabling enough to even call out of his office and get support for a fit note so I can stay out of work. I hate hate hate the country I live in.

Man, I'm so sorry you were dismissed like that, especially when it has material bad consequences for you, like not getting the right care in other sectors. I despise when psychiatrista refuse to accept that their diagnoses or lack thereof inevitably WILL have consequences on people's lives outside their office.

Also the idea that one can accurately assess anyone without following some kind of semi structured interview to avoid interviewer bias is so arrogant. He's not special. That's not a recommendation because other psychs just suck and can't be "objective like him"... How frustrating. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey!! 👋🏽😄 I know you said in your last rant about SK8 and Reki and Renga that you were one of those people that always looks up and learns from others, but after your last Langa edit, I just wanted to remind you how immensely talented you are. I might have not seen your first attempts at editing, but I know how it looks like when you're barely starting something, and I'm sure everyone is proud of the progress you've made and many people looks up to you as the level of skill they want to achieve. You're doing amazing! 💖💖💖

Hi, my love!!!!!! ASDFSDFGHG that’s soooo sweet, thank you so much for saying this, it really means the world to me <3 Oh, haha I’ve deleted most of my old videos so it wouldn’t hurt anyone’s eyes lmao T_T I’m still a bit nervous each time I’m uploading my vids to the day to be honest, even with so many subs rn, but at first I really didn’t have any supporters at all and my god I sucked at this, but I guess the love for my fav ships was stronger apparently haha. So I always get silly happy at each nice comment and feedback, so thank you seriously. 

I really love love love vidding, Idk why but when smth comes out the way I wanted it’s a super addictive feeling for some reason, but many times I just looked at the final result and just threw it in the trash and started over and my god how many times SonyVegas crushed and didn’t autosave the project. I’m like Suga now, I’m pressing the save button each 2 minutes, cause don’t want to lose anything xD Being someone’s inspiration is truly an honor to me, I’ve got some messages that hit me too hard. Still feels weird bc I’m like “but do you know that I can’t even use photoshop tho, how do u like me now then?” lol.

I’m always drawn to talented characters, bc they amaze me, esp the humble ones. Like those who hate Haru or Lanaga just buffle me honestly. I understand that they’re pretty and talented and everything, but they’re also the sweetest and loveliest human beings, so like...??? And I adore those who don’t whine and get what they want. I just can’t help it. I’m a strong believer in the fact that "you can do anything if you put your mind to it”. So far it worked in real life so suck it lol.

People are also saying like Langa doesn’t deserve to win this and Haru doesn’t deserve to be in Olympics, like Langa didn’t snowboard since he was 2 and Haru wasn’t swimming every day since he was born. I’m like.. and you need to check in the mirror if your face is a shade of green. BTW I’ve also been in a professional sports for quite a long time since I was a little kid, ballroom dancing and adored it back then, and I did not get jealous at ppl who were talented than me, I was watching the tapes actually with a popcorn. And oh god those large competition events when you sit there for days and give it all, but then you’re like 296 out of 1000. Why was I proud instead of being sad? Idk xD It was fun.

So thanks for liking the vid, cause I even regretted uploading it a bit yesterday. Sadly everyone already knows that we lost this fandom to the middle schoolers being extra, so they do not care for anything each episode except for this ship, so that’s what I got for posting a just Langa vid:

And etc. and that just made me sad, cause I do not like such fandoms, like it’s not even related to the video, that I’ve been making... with love.  Also thanks for the "sama” title, I’m flattered, but editor only wants to vid matchablossom for now, so like there’s no need for any warnings. I’ve been in such horrendoes fandoms, that I’m immune to this. I also in fact didn’t know some keep ruining Langa’s page and saying that he steals Reki’s screen time... cause he’s aparently the only main character...? ...lmao? I didn’t even know Langa can be hated tbh. I wasn’t really ready for all the drama that followed me making a vid about him.

I’ve already deleted some comments, cause I’m like what this even has to do with the vid about Langa? No, I am not obliged to make a vid about Reki, too. What if I post a matchablossom vid, everyone will only start commenting “do renga”, cause fuck your efforts? I’m like... I hate such fanbases, seriously. I do not even know where this is going, but their fans are already pissing me off. I’m still trying hard for this to not affect my point of view about the ship, cause it’d be kinda unfair to them, but its getting harder each week istg.

And I maybe can’t take requests, but I love when some try to get me addicted on their ship with passion and great arguments. It happened to me with some nice ppl. But def not with agression and stupidity haha.

Cause apparently its one of the fandoms where you can’t NOT care for the main ship, even if you accept it for the only possible Langa ship (cause he doesn’t give a shit for anyone else, so like what’s the point), but it doesn’t do anything for you. I’m like... thanks for threatening. This will make me on board ASAP. Like it’s not the epitomy of love to me... I’m sorry? LMAO 

Some anon even sent me a “you’re dense” (literally thats it) ask after that Reki ask. I was tempted to write smth like “oh I’m sorry, this is the most epic love story of my life and his character is the most complex in the world and he’s the best friend and the most inspiring human being that ever hit my screen. can I become undense now? xD”. But you know I do not know if they’d realise the sarcasm and my pride sadly never allowed me to sell my life values for a bunch of 12 years olds to love me lol

My sister always laughs and jokingly says “but you’d probably get much more subs if you made a vid about this or that, but at what price that would be lmao”. Cause yeah, I never could make myself vid smth I do not like, cause I love vidding and do not want it to be associated with things I do not like, plus it’ll most likely turn out ugly, if I do not care. My mom says that she can feel love I put in my shipping vids that’s why she loves them. I really don’t think she’s wrong. But that also kinda makes me an idiot technically, cause I’m not into many of the popular ships, and some popular animes I just find really basic. 

Also I’m like 100% sure it ain’t happening, but even if they miraculously suck each other’s dicks while sitting on a skate board, I can still have the rights not to care at the end. Like did I sign some form where I’m obliged to love each and everyone canon gay ship even if it’s not what I like? Like gay is not the type of love in relationships. You can only care about his ass like Lan Zhan for example or you can only care about your ass. Like that’s different types of relationships, and whatever you like you like. So get all the way of people’s backs, please.

Also do ppl know that you do not need to be blind to the bad sides of the characters in your ships? Or you just gonna be like “I suddenly can’t see” for forever.

So really thanks for such wonderful message and liking the video and for the boosts when I need them and not being an ass to me if I’m not being obsessed with smth, when you like it. (like I think we have different ship in bnha, right? but we’re still doing great tho, thanks for being an angel <3)

I still didn’t expect this becoming a Voltron 2.0. situation tho. We in our twenties see everything differently, I guess. I do get extra about “their love is everywhere”, but I do not get extra by anonymously attacking ppl, threatening creators and yelling “queeerbating psychotic blind assholes if these two aint fucking by the end of the season I’m shaving my head and jumping out of the window and shoot the director. you do not ship it HARD? YOU DUMB FUCK. THAT’S THE BEST LOVE STORY IN THE WORLD”. Like damn, take your blinders off and see the world, kid. Firstly, it’s definitely not, secondly, ppl see love differently in general and at each age too.

Ah, also you must kill Adam, cause he’s a pedo apparently. Like he ain’t even a threat to your ship, unless you’re blind, but they’re still at it, like they do not know that this kind of age difference is literally nothing for an anime? And that there are canon ships with a huger age difference left and right, too. It’s like its their first time approaching an anime or smth. Like in anime world character can literally kill 1000 ppl with his bare hands and bathe in their blood and we can still stan them, depends on their story, ok? Also Langa couldn’t care less for his advances, so like separate Adam from your ship pls. Like, fuck off, if someone is interested in his character. Yeah, he’s a weirdo for reasons, but anime kind of weird do not apply to real life. Stop acting like you’re some purist, when later you’re gonna ship smth else and it suddenly will not apply. Also rules do not apply to animes, everyone knows they do not apply. These are not western cartoons, my god. And 24 years old flirting with 16 year old is defiinitely not the weirdest shit anyone has ever seen in the anime. Chinese BL has characters who were 14 and 30 when they met and happily married. Also FICTION is not life. Literally no one cares. If you’re scared for your saint eyes, do not watch animes, you’re gonna have a heart-attack from what you can see there. Also we’ve seen gayer bromances in animes, who are just bromances, so pls do not shoot anyone if it’s not canon.

So basically I was kinda pissed yersterday, cause fuck them for ruining the tag, but after chatting with my hommies and your ask, I’m okay again, I just have to avoid this fandom and stick to a tight community xD. I just got used to my nice fandoms and forgot for a bit about the precautions you need to take if you’re in one of those. You know. Who make a circus out of lgbt, instead of supporting it, and make other ppl hate being in fandoms.

P.S. sorry for this partially unrelated rant, your messages really always make my heart bloom, so thanks for supporting me, and I know you’re proud of my progress, too <3 and this makes me happy. LY

[spectralarchers]

Would you mind describing what it's like to have BPD? I haven't been diagnosed with it, but I think I may have it.

I was diagnosed with BPD a little over two years ago, after my GP suggested I enter a mental health program. Speaking to both nurses and a specialized psychiatrist in personality disorders, they finally found out that I was operating under the “emotionally unstable personality disorder of the mixed kind”, which they settled on was borderline personality disorder.

The mental health program I entered was a mentalization based therapy (MBT) in order to help me train my mentalizing abilities (the “ability to think about thinking” x), which involved weekly 90 minutes group therapy session for a whole year. It meant that every single Monday from April 2018 to April 2019, I had to get to the psychiatric facility, sit in a room with seven other people my age, with the same diagnosis, and discuss our past weeks, for an hour and a half, with two therapists present.

Putting the rest of it under a read more for those who aren’t interested

So, it’s been a very long process to figure out where all the issues I have with social awkwardness and mental stress came from, and a lot of working on how to avoid crises in the future. 

I was told by the specialists that they had difficulty finding which personality disorder was the more appropriate one, because I displayed signs for borderline personality disorder but also avoidant personality disorder (a cluster C personality disorder) and dependent personality disorder. (link).

The borderline personality disorder is defined by lack of a sense of self and problems with feelings of emptiness and abandonment. I have difficulties with relationships (I have been single for about 5 years now, and all the relationships I had prior to that never lasted more than 2 months), which I’ve written off as being asexual, although I may think it’s more of a demisexual thing, but I’m so scared/terrified of relationships, it’s easier for me to just accept being asexual. (That’s a whole other discussion, though).

BPD comes with emotional instability, anger and violence, which I usually attributed to the fact that I grew up with an abusive parental figure. Being hit as a kid means that you’re maybe more prone to hitting others, which is why I’m sometimes subject to very, very intense and violent feelings, that I need to reign in, in order not to hit others or hurt them verbally (I have been known to hurt others verbally when I’m in “the red” mentally, so I’m working really hard on trying to avoid that going forward, and I have been known to hitting close family members when I was younger as well, although I haven’t hit anyone on purpose in many, many years).

BPD also comes with comorbidity with suicidal thoughts and self-harm, both of which I tick off (I have attempted suicide 3 times and the last self-harm relapse I experienced was actually yesterday when I had a derealization episode). I tried to kill myself twice when I was 14 and once when I was 19 years old, and I started self harming by using sharp objects to cut myself with when I was 11 years old. I still self harm, even though it’s not as often as it used to be, but yeah, like I said... last time I did it was yesterday (although nobody IRL is aware of it).

Being borderline means you’re always one step away from the neurotic and the psychotic disorders, and that your impulsivitiy can sometimes cause bad decision making (self sabotage, which I definitely do by ruining good occasions for myself or impulsive spending).

Borderline Personality Disorder sucks, because I thrive with knowing how my day, week, month is going to plan out, but if something comes and kicks it out of the way or off course, my brain literally cannot cope with it and I go into an emotional downwards spiral. It never happens in public (I’ve taught myself to avoid that entirely from childhood), but if I get triggered, exposed to something that sets me off or if something happens which means my routine gets disrupted, you can be practically 100% sure that I will have a mental breakdown over it either on the same day or a couple of days later.

The mentalization based therapy helped me learn how to try and disarm those events: “Why did you react the way you did?” “Why do you think they said that?” “Do you think that you’re reading into something that isn’t there because you’ve learned to interpret things in a certain way?”

If you think that you have a personality disorder, I’d suggest talking with your GP and asking them if they can give you a referral to a specialist. I am lucky to live in a country where we have free healthcare, so none of the year long treatment I received cost me a single dime, so I don’t know how things are elsewhere. But please, talk to someone and see if you have reason to believe you have a mental disorder.

[beyondthetemples]

{{ Casually wondering if I should have Dove certify Sieara as an Emotional Support Animal or not..... hmm...............

tl;dr Dove and Sieara would qualify, but it’s getting Dove to a psychologist/etc. that would be the hard part. 

I wrote a headcanon re: Sieara in Stores once (x) that indicated Yes... but the thing is, to LEGALLY have an animal as a “emotional support” animal, you have to go to an actual licensed therapist/psychiatrist and be “certified” as “emotionally disabled” first. (I took an entire semester-long class on laws when I was in vet school, okay. I know how this works.) The problem isn’t so much that Dove can’t be considered emotionally disabled, because, I mean... after DDD she was in horrific shape, emotionally, and she has an array of PTSD struggles as well as grief, social anxiety, specific phobia disorders, and even co-dependency (though that last one is mostly resolved by the time I RP her in now).

And how would they find a therapist for someone who’s comfortable addressing concerns like “my demonic side took over intermittently for 6 months and a lot of people wound up dead”? Like... that’s some wild trauma. (And then there’s the concern that, if she DID talk to someone about that: would they be obligated to have her committed since she was dangerous in that moment? I mean, in the very next chapter of DDD, which hasn’t been published yet but is 95% written: Robin points out that psych wards aren’t qualified to handle powerful demidemons, and being in the Tower, with Raven, is the safest place for her.)

Would they have to put her on any medication, even though she manages her PTSD/etc. with the support system of other people? I already know medicating Dove is a crapshoot because it’s equally as likely to be very impactful for a much shorter amount of time, as it is to be metabolized by her system before it even takes effect.)

But if it ever did happen, any therapist that could accept “my father is a demon that destroyed my mother’s homeland and his influence caused me to kill people” as, you know, not a psychotic episode, could probably also accept “this bird has magic in her that makes her super connected to me, specifically, increases her intelligence, and helps her give off soothing energy for me”.

Even in the very first [fanfic canon] scene she shows up in, when Dove starts drifting away into depressive/grieving reminiscence, Sieara pulls her back to Earth. She’s very perceptive and aware of Dove’s emotional state, and sometimes she helps keep Dove in that calm center she’s supposed to maintain.

(Technically, Sieara is intelligent and aware enough that she could be trained as a service animal, she kind of is actually, but the ADA only allows Legal Service Animal Certifications for dogs and horses. Not even cats can be “service” animals, let alone birds. Please note the difference between a therapy dog and a service dog, because that difference is HUGE. Sieara is gentle and social enough that she could be a therapy bird if Dove could handle being around that many strangers, but she’s not a dog/horse, so she can’t be a service animal.)

But it’s not like she necessarily needs Sieara registered to have her in the Tower, nor like she’d have any idea that emotional support animals are a Legal Thing unless someone (probably Beast Boy tbh, maaaaybe Robin) flat-out tells her directly.

But in other places? Though service animals are the only ones that their companions have a federally-protected right to take into public spaces, most people don’t know that and think Emotional Support Animals are protected, too. Some places just don’t mind. 

I haven’t really written Sieara very much in... basically any RPs, because Dove tends to keep her at the Tower. Sieara’s adventurous, so she’s likely to wind up flying off at some point, and though she does have somewhat of a homing instinct (tying messages to her feet was how Dove and Srentha communicated as children when Dove lived on the very outskirts of Azarath while Srentha lived in the heart, after all), but I doubt the Tower’s huge wall-sized windows can be, you know... opened. To let her back in if she flies off in the city?

I know Dove occasionally brings her out and about with her, but it’s not terribly common unless Dove is certain no dangerous conflict (or conflagrations of her own powers) could wind up hurting her.

[shoujocentral]

Symphogear S1- Now this is MY kind of anime!

Every once and awhile when I'd log onto Twitter, I'd see people saying "watch Symphogear" accompanied by images from the show. From looking at the pictures, I assumed it was just another magical girl show like Precure but with less magic and more... techno. Oh, and apparently they sing while they fight? Sounds kinda dumb...

Buuuut... I have heard that there's some yuri content? Maybe I'll give it a try. I mean, I'm always open to watching new stuff, even if it's just a silly little kid's show 😅

😳

Well........ color me hooked.

I have to say, this show is not at all what I was expecting in the best possible way. It feels a lot more like a Shounen action show along the lines of Fullmetal Alchemist or Neon Genesis Evangelion than a Magical Girl show (if that's even what it's supposed to be). Today, I'm going to be giving my first impressions of Senki Zesshou Symphogear season 1, which will be spoiler free for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

Plot:

So what is Senki Zesshou Symphogear about?

In the not too distant future (next Sunday A.D.), Japan is under attack by monsters known as Noises, the likes of which cannot be killed by military weapons. The only thing that can kill them are girls clad in weaponized armor known as Gears, which is activated and powered by singing catchy techno-pop music.

One day, a girl named Hibiki Tachibana is caught in the middle of a battle, and one of the Gear users, Kanade Amou, sacrifices herself to save her. Two years later, Hibiki discovers that a piece of Kanade's Gear was embedded in her chest during the fight, giving her access to the Gear's powers. Hibiki is recruited by the Disaster Relief Squadron, the organization that created the Gears, to help defend Japan from the Noises.

However, Kanade's former girlfriend partner, Tsubasa Kazanari, sees Hibiki as nothing more than an obnoxious, naive girl trying to be Kanade's replacement. Will the two learn to work together, defeat the Noises, and possibly uncover a deeper plot to all the attacks?

Symphogear's plot might not be the most original thing ever; evil monsters attack, teenage girls transform into superpowered warriors to fight them, evil mastermind tries to take over the world, etc. But what makes this story stand out is it's unique approach to the fights. Having the Gears be powered by music, resulting in every fight being accompanied by a song, is either a genius way to amplify the fights, or a genius way for the producers to sell a techno soundtrack.

I was worried that the constant use of insert songs would become repetitive and annoying, but on the contrary, they heightened my enjoyment! The fights in Symphogear are easily my favorite part of the show: fast-paced, badass powers, lots of screaming, and downright brutal at times! Hibiki has officially joined the ranks of my all-time favorite battle cries, right up there with Goku from DBZ and Souma from Kannazuki no Miko.

If there was one thing I had to nitpick, it would be that most of the fights take away the credibility of the Noises. They're supposed to be this terrifying threat to Japan that can't be harmed by the military, but as soon as the Gear wielders show up, they're reduced to nothing more than cannon fodder as Hibiki and her comrades seem to waltz through them without breaking a sweat.

Thankfully, the versus matches between Gear wielders are much more balanced. My favorite has to be Hibiki vs Chris (see above), but then again, any fight with Chris is an absolute win!

Characters:

Hibiki Tachibana

Hibiki is your typical genki girl protagonist: optimistic, hyperactive, naive, and pure. What makes her a more compelling hero, however, is her slow growth into becoming a strong Gear wielder. Unlike most magical girl protagonists, who seem to master their powers after one line of "EH?! What just happened to me?!", Hibiki takes time to learn how to fight. She starts out with the mindset that she has to be Kanade's replacement and thus tries to fight just like her. However, she eventually comes to invent her own battle tactics that work much more in her favor. Mainly, punching the everloving shit out of everything in sight.

Hibiki is, in my opinion, a flat character done right. She doesn't go through any personal growth or development throughout the show (learning to fight doesn't count), but her belief that all humans can get along if they communicate and desire to protect people just because she wants to is the cause for most of the change in the people around her. The world is in a dark place, and Hibiki is the light. She doesn't need to change, because she's exactly what the world needs.

Tsubasa Kazanari

From what I've learned, Tsubasa is a favorite amongst Symphogear fans. Me personally, though, I have a few issues with her character. Now, I have nothing against brooding, damaged characters. In fact, Tsubasa's recovery from Kanade's death and learning to cherish her own life was incredibly engaging... for the most part. Sorry, but I can only take so much edge. Her constant repitition of "I am a sword, I exist only to fight" grew old after the first 10 or so times.

Also, while I love her overall development, I feel that her acceptance of Hibiki was a little rushed. For the first four episodes, she hates Hibiki for carrying Kanade's Gear to the point where she tries to fight her to the death. Then, after another fight sends her into a coma, she has a (extremely gay) hallucination of Kanade telling her to get over herself. Next episode, she's treating Hibiki as if they've been friends the whole time. Did I miss something? Did Hibiki even apologize for saying she wanted to replace Kanade? Did Tsubasa apologize for trying to shishkabob her?!

Development aside, her fighting style is awesome and unique, and leads to the best choreography in the show. Hopefully as I watch more seasons, my opinion of her will improve.

Chris Yukine

Best Girl. No questions. Anyone who disagrees is wrong. Deal with it.

Jokes aside, Chris is my favorite character of the show bar none. Maybe I just have a weakness for evil-turned-good characters, but I adored her "don't take no shit from nobody" attitude and her soft side emerging as the show progressed. And let me tell you, Tsubasa would have no right to brood if she knew what Chris went through as a child. I won't give anything away, but just a few brief images and harsh words were enough get the picture across and tug at my heartstrings.

She also had my favorite Gear and fighting style in the show. If there's one thing that always gets my blood pumping, it's gatling guns and an endless supply of missiles. Seriously, I could watch this girl fight for hours.

Kanade Amou

A moment of silence, ladies and gentlemen.

......

Kanade would be my favorite character if we had gotten more of her. But alas, she has to die in the very first episode. DAMN YOU, PLOT!!!

Even though we get very little of Kanade, she makes it her mission to leave a lasting impression. Her sacrifice at the beginning sets the tone for the rest of the show, and her flashback is the best of the bunch. I got hard chills when she transformed for the first time. Let's just say she's psychotic in all the right ways.

Kanade died for our sins. Remember that... 🙏

Finé

Our main villain of the show. That's it. There's really nothing much else to her. She's cruel, manipulative, and powerful beyond belief, as most big bosses of these kinds of shows are. She was honestly my least favorite part of the show.

Fine's motivation is incredibly confusing on first watch. I had to go back to pause and read the subtitles multiple times to understand her backstory, but maybe that's my fault for being a slow reader. On the other hand, the explanation as to who she is and why she's so powerful comes right out of nowhere and doesn't seem to connect to anything the story had been building up to that point. Also, by the time I understood her motivation and actually found it a little intriguing, she dropped the dreaded "I'm going to take over the world" line. Aaaaand.... all my interest just went out the window.

There is a twist involving her connection to a certain other character in the show that I genuinely didn't see coming, but in the end, it wasn't nearly enough to make up for her shortcomings.

Miku Kohinata

God bless this little angel. Miku is a precious cinnamon roll who must be protected at all costs. Thankfully, Hibiki's got it covered 👍

Words cannot express how much I love this girl. She may be only a supporting role for the time being, but good lord, does she support! It always broke my heart whenever she tried to spend time with Hibiki or talk to her, but the Disaster Relief Squad kept pulling them apart. I know DRS is classified, but Miku deserves better than to have secrets kept from her! Life sucks when your girlfriend best friend is a superhero...

Well, that was a mouthful. There's a lot more characters in this show, but I don't really have much to say about them. However, while we're on the subject of Miku, let's move on to the reason I checked this show out in the first place, and the reason I'm sure most of you read my stuff.

Yuri:

No sooner did I finish this show did I start looking up HibiMiku fanart 😍

I was expecting a fair dosage of yuribait going into Symphogear, but mother of all that is gay, did I get an overdose!

First and foremost, the main ship: HibiMiku. These two are dating. Nothing anyone says will change my mind. They compliment each other perfectly, with Hibiki's energy and Miku's sweetness... HHNNNGGH! IT'S TOO PRECIOUS! I sincerely hope these two get more time together in the next few seasons. Now if only they'd stop with the damn F word...... 😡

Next up, TsubaKana. This one seems more like it was one-sided feelings on Tsubasa's part, judging by how dedicated Kanade was to fighting the Noise. Regardless, you don't just lose all sense of your humanity and self-worth after your "partner" dies. And all that hardcore blushing in the flashbacks and naked cuddling dream sequences... nah, Tsubasa was hella hot for Kanade. Sadly, our lord and savior was taken from Ms. Brooding too soon.

Finally, there's Ryoko Sakurai, the DRS's head scientist. She was initially hinted to be gay, what with her being all too eager to have Hibiki undress and wanting to "pop her cherry" (yes, an adult said that to a 15 year-old). However, after a certain conversation occurred, it seemed more like she was straight or at least bisexual, if all that dirty talk wasn't just teasing.

I've heard future seasons introduce more potential couples, so I'm keeping my eyes open and my yuri goggles on tight 😋

Conclusion:

I enjoyed the first season of Senki Zesshou Symphogear through and through. As someone who enjoyed Akanesasu Shoujo and Magical Girl Spec-Ops Asuka, I have a soft spot for shows about badass girls kicking monster ass and unleashing their inner yuri. Overall though, I think Symphogear might be my favorite of the bunch so far. It has its fair share of flaws, sure, but I think its positives outweigh the negatives by a long shot. If I got this much enjoyment out of the first season, I cannot wait to see what the following seasons have to offer!

Symphogear delivers a fun, action-packed story with colorful characters, kickass fight scenes, head-banging music and plenty of yuri content. Anyone who loves Magical Girls or Shounen battle shows needs to check it out!

Rating: 8/10

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go binge Symphogear G. See you next time, my fellow yuri lovers!

[ruwithmeguys]

The chances of an eighth season of Arrow is high, but beyond that… I think the chances have dropped for more than 8 but I could be wrong.

Why I think it’s ending after S8 (and why it may not):

Both Stephen and Emily have stated they want to write and direct but haven’t, despite the chances. They may want to work on new things after next year.

Though he’s agreed to an eighth season, Stephen has made several comments the last 12 months indicating his acceptance of the end and how Oliver really only has one true goal left to accomplish.

The show doesn’t just feel like it’s hitting a new milestone: it feels like it’s preparing us for something (unless it’s just a shocking SL and I’m very wrong)

The interest in superhero tv shows is starting to dwindle because of the sheer number of options available. This however, is open to change. Especially after the last avengers movie hits the cinemas. They may turn to shows like Arrow as an alternative.

Unless the show comes up with a brand new focus to pit Oliver against, beyond his own darkness, then… what? What’s the story?

Indications that John may become the GL means he’s available for other shows after Arrow ends.

Where Oliver goes, Felicity goes. The indications that Oliver will eventually step back from the hood keep ramping up.

They are leading the show towards the future: it’s an obvious passing of the baton.

They are limited in terms of comic origin as there’s only so much story they can pilfer from the comics before DC stop them.

They will need an intense, captivating original story to keep Stephen/Emily and the audience on board past S8 and where they go, the audience go.

We know Arrow won’t live past 10 seasons anyway.

Why I want Arrow to end after 8 seasons:

Too many new characters – unless the show axes at least two of the regulars, we’re never truly going to get the depth we deserve in the scenes focused on our mains… HOWEVER. You can also argue that they don’t need more depth because we basically know them inside out. Another reason right there.

Run its course - Arrow is that show. It isn’t even that good to be honest – the script is either amaze-balls or ridiculous and illogical, the action sequences take up too much space at times and continuity is a huge issue – however we love it as if it were made of gold. Despite our complaints, we watch it because it gave us something that most shows don’t. It gave us a love story for the ages that wasn’t supposed to exist and demanded acceptance of it. It dared so it has our respect.

However, Stephen said something recently. He said, all that remains of Oliver’s story is to leave a legacy. He doesn’t have to die for it to happen, but it has to happen. There two ways for this to be possible: have a baby with Felicity and become a legend. He’ll do both, huzzah! But, barring the immediate concerns of this story, there isn’t a whole lot of character building left to accomplish (suck it Barry/Kara) for Oliver. It’s all outside material. His sister is an issue too, but after this season, focus on him for her story won’t be required. I’m here for Oliver, then Felicity. Just them and in that order.

Thea’s story is done folks, save the peripheral. Whatever happens next for her doesn’t have to be on screen, though I will be stunned if she doesn’t come back for the finale of the series. I have no wish to see more of it, unless it’s Roy inclusive. Why? Because so much of her story kind of… IT BLEW, OKAY? I was bored to tears with her after season 4 and only season 2 and 3 interested me for her character and Roy was entwined in that.

Building a legacy doesn’t mean characters just… disappear - and they don’t have to. So regardless of the end, Felicity will be out there. So will Oliver.

Diggle. This is a big one for me. He’s been changing since Oliver and Felicity left 3.23, since he killed Andy. But we haven’t seen the Dig we know and love since 5.23. That’s 32 episodes. For me, if what was broken isn’t fixed by 7.22, then I truly won’t care what occurs for him in the future, beyond simple curiosity. There’s been too much damage. There’s changing into a different person and then there’s being likeable. One episode is all I’m asking. Believe it or not, I’m actually enjoying his progression, but it’s progression that falls away from the man we dearly miss. Since the chances of him becoming the green lantern has risen… I have to say, I’m not surprised at the idea that John could leave his family behind both literally and figuratively. He’s done it before. He’s doing it now, but it has less impact if his ties are loose and not taut. I need them tightening. 13 episodes are left on S7. He needs to take steps. So either Dig becomes the green lantern… or he dies. If either occurs next year, then S8 will most likely be the end anyway. OTA are the main fixture: they know it, they’ve said it. Once one of them leaves, it’s a ticking clock.

The longer the show lasts, the more time they have to screw up.

I can’t stand another crossover where Oliver is verbally battered for existing.

Too many birds give me hives.

Dinah has become the new boring and siren, the cordelia: I can live without both.

Curits is such a poor example of a human being, it makes me rage, which is unhealthy

Rene is finally interesting to me again, even if I don’t trust him because he’s a fickle sod… which means I never will. So, I can’t like his storyline.

I’m so done with watching Felicity be friendless and treated with disrespect by people that she has to refer to as heroes whether they’ve earned the title or not, I feel like writing fiction where she kills them all and Oliver just stands there in approval.

The longer Arrow lasts, the longer Flash lasts and… NO.

The longer Arrow lasts, the longer Supergirl lasts and… NO.

Since they aren’t doing a thorough Constantine Drakon villain – an enemy with the potential to be amazing since he very literally crucifies the green arrow – I really do miss the big villain. I miss Malcolm: he was twisted but he was effective. You were supposed to hate him. I miss Slade: he’s still my favourite villain. Adrian was the best but they took too long introducing him so he falls short of the tension pedestal for me. Despite being sucktastic, Diaz presents a decent conundrum: he’s supposed to be an arsehole that won’t die so he’s a constant threat. We don’t have to like him. So I desperately need Stan to return. I need that creepy/psychotic enemy that throws everyone for a loop. Without it, I’m not sure about the show’s moral integrity goes to that isn’t about revisiting old ghosts since it’s based on good Vs evil etc. I need to wait and see where they go with this: it could become an organisation or an idea (vigilantes for the people: who watches the watchman type thing) instead of a person and I’ve given up hope on a woman villain who doesn’t irk me. I don’t need 1950’s cheese ball KC: it’s not effective.

Felicity. Now… I love what they’ve done with her character, even in S6 for the most part! However, this whole idea that her wearing a mask would undermine the meaning is pathetic. You had a street kid and a lawyer wearing one after less than a few months of training, but sure: Felicity wearing one would destroy the significance. Now, in one part, this elevates her character: she is the character that all others must work off at least once. It makes her too important to loose: Oliver, Barry, LL, Siren, Ray etc. On the other hand, it limits her capacity and keeps her boxed in which is why S7 has been such a relief to may of us. But I would have loved to have seen this woman suit up: at least she’d be convincing. Any chance of us seeing it happen now are slim to none which is a shame because, to me, her potential is limitless. What we would have given to have everyone else react to her kicking ass and taking names in a mask, with a moniker, and a headset/vice that details the logistics of buildings, sends out Trojans etc. She’d be a nightmare.

I think one more full season (20 to 22 episodes) on top of the 13 remaining, is enough to close Oliver’s legacy if done right which… is a stretch to hope for.

With so many superhero movies in play, if gone on long enough, Arrow will no doubt attempt to copy them as they have done in the past to ill effect.

Another year of rude anons/haters making claims, demanding I do as they tell me, being ridiculous and being constantly wrong in my inbox would be a welcome subtraction in my life.

…And why I want it to live forever:

This show was the show that made me aware of social media. It’s also the show that I needed at a dark time in my life: I was jobless, friendless and things were happening with my family that were less than desirable: it was a grand distraction that borderlined obsession. Or passion. Hm.

Despite certain plotlines, illogical character progression, overused devices, and faulty scripts; it truly is a one in a million show. Very different from all other shows.

The actors can ACT… for the most part.

The CGI effects are good.

It’s angsty x 10

The love story is worth the angst

There’s always more story to tell with good characters!

Once Oliver achieves the status he deserves, I want to see him revel in it.

…A 10 episode season 9 that focuses on olicity alone because I want it so bad?

The chance to bring back Tommy somehow

The wonderful people I talk to online daily JUST because of this show

The genuine friends I’ve made JUST because of this show.

The fanfiction that will continue longer if the show does

The posts and metas I don’t want to live without

The asks in my inbox that I enjoy answering and the anons I enjoy engaging with

TUMBLR – (with the smut please)

If the show has a chance of lasting past season 8, then what I want to see is a season that focuses ONLY on Oliver… and I’d have it elsewhere. I’d have the government involved. Felicity too. Dig. Just them three (it won’t happen).

The chance to see Curtis crash and burn

The chance to see Dinah crash and burn

The chance to see Rene crash and burn

The chance to see siren… go away somewhere

Felicity in a mask

An actual 9pm slot that’s used to it’s fullest extent

A crossover that focuses on what could have been on another earth and you KNOW they’d have Felicity be the vigilante, with Oliver as the guy who loves her despite her violent escapades. OR another life where they’re regular people that fall into an elaborate conspiracy or something.

There currently isn’t another show that can fill the void that Arrow will create when it ends.

A crossover where Oliver/Felicity kiss no one but each other… please.

A crossover- nay, an ENTIRE SEASON, where Oliver is praised for alllll his hard work and sacrifice.

An episode that marks Felicity, truly, as irreplaceable, necessary and needed for every other character to shine.

An episode arc that allows Felicity to be the one that defeats the bad guy.

You know… YOU KNOW that at some point they’ll deliberately have DC and marvel intersect.

Unfortunately, the cons currently outweigh the pro’s. And if so, if S8 is the last, then that’s an AMAZING run time for a show that was supposed to be only 5 seasons. And the story had enough meat in it for me to be happy for it……… though when that occurs, I’ll probably need to book time off to recover because oh my god I can’t even imagine.

The idea, if true, is a sad one. But again, if true, it won’t be till 2020. We have some time.

[larathia]

On Quintessence and the Galra Empire

I dunno how far this will get into my stories, because frankly I don’t have a lot of characters to work with who are deep into the ideas of why and wherefore, so I’m going to write this (rather lengthy and detailed) headcanon down over here, and y’all can accept it or deny it or whatever but it is in the background of my VLD fics, as this is my genuine understanding of How This Shit Actually Works.

The TLDR is: Our Heroes got it wrong and ‘quintessence poisoning’ is not actually a Thing. Rather, what happened to the galra in general (and the royal galra family in particular) was something else entirely, something only baaarely touched on during the series but absolutely present.

You ready? Strapped in? Good.

1) Quintessence does not and cannot ‘poison’. Rather, it is a multidirectional intensifier.

We get introduced to quintessence, timelinewise, when the reality crossing meteor strikes Daibazaal. Quintessence comes out of that rift pretty much from the getgo, but we do not hear of the galra being negatively affected as such. Zarkon evacuates people near the rift because, well, BIG HORKING RIFT, but quintessence doesn’t seem to affect anyone particularly. We hear nothing at all about, for example, fights breaking out, or plagues, or anything.

If quintessence by itself could poison, it would’ve poisoned Kova the cat first. It would have poisoned the galra people long before anything else happened. No, the only things we know quintessence does  - by itself - based on what we see in the show is:

* it heals * it lengthens lifespan * it intensifies emotion

Keith gets splashed with untreated quintessence and it just heals his burns. Allura and Lotor fly into the quintessence field and there’s just curiosity and quiet joy. Kova gets dosed with quintessence and becomes the first immortal housecat.

2) What poisoned Honerva and Zarkon was the Dark Energy Being (DEB). DEB then poisoned the entire galra empire.

We do see Honerva kind of wilting and distracted, but we don’t see her having that reaction until AFTER the DEB comes through the rift. She keeps a little DEB by her workstation, possibly for years, just studying it. We know from S8 that the DEB is a hugely nasty piece of work, that it feeds on quintessence to survive, and that it can attach itself to a sentient host. I believe that the DEB in Honerva’s workstation drained her quintessence over time, and its visions screwed with her mind - and that’s why she withers the way she does, and eventually dies/lapses into a near-death state.

Zarkon and Honerva enter the rift and are both overtaken by the DEB. They both, thereafter, focus on acquiring and consuming quintessence. The DEB also has the effect of playing on/playing to/enhancing darker emotions like paranoia and rage, causing Zarkon to distance himself from Honerva (letting her name herself Haggar) and Haggar distances herself from Lotor. Lotor is born a sort of dhampir, in that the DEB is part of his being from the getgo. But because he’s born with it, and it’s a part of him throughout his life, he learns ways of dealing with it - it’s not manipulating him, it’s just part of who he is.

Anyway. Back to the empire. Possessed!Zarkon and Haggar need quintessence. They need the galra people on their side, angry enough to suck the quintessence out of planets. Now the galra were never as peaceful a race as the alteans - the galra history is a lot more like our own, in that they revered great warriors and conquerors. But they were clearly able to coexist with other races peacefully before the DEB was unleashed. What Honerva did was implant little DEBs into various sensitive people, and these people became the Druids. I firmly believe the Druids wear masks to hide the physical effect of having a DEB inside them, as well as to hide the fact that they’re not all galra. The DEBs in them grant them their magic, and also tie them in obedience to Haggar. The Druids use their magic to ‘process’ quintessence into fuel that runs the entire galra empire.

That fuel is tainted by the DEBs. So basically, the galra empire is created to run on ...well, ‘hate fuel’. The galra on the cruisers are in close proximity to huge amounts of tainted quintessence, which makes the calm ones angry, the angry ones furious, and encourages things like sadism in the ranks. The exposure makes the galra long lived, but warps their minds and hearts as the centuries pass. That warping lets the galra do what they do during the series.

When Honerva destroys the galra high command, she’s killing off the generals most thoroughly tainted by that poisoned quintessence. When the druids are destroyed, so is the source of that tainted quintessence. And weirdly enough the galra fairly quickly become much less of a Serious Problem. The stuff that’s been pushing them over the edge is gone, and the leaders that were probably also so poisoned as to keep going anyway are also gone.

I’ll backtrack a bit here and explain why I think this is the case.

Firstly: the DEB is known to affect personality.

We know this because Allura takes on a DEB in S8, and her focus is pretty much a beeline for ‘take out Haggar’ after that. Her character development in the whole season is kinda questionable, I grant you that, but we do see her being tempted early on, with visions and dreams, and once she takes the DEB on she’s willing to do things that are seriously morally questionable especially compared to where she started. (Like diving into Honerva’s mind? Really? At the start of the series she had a problem with putting Sendak’s memories into an interrogatable AI.)

We also see Honerva’s acolytes, and we know they’ve taken a DEB. They’re also the straight up most hateful Alteans we see in the primary reality of the show. They’re a lot more willing to react emotionally and from places of fear or anger.

My final evidence for this is the alt-reality Alteans, where it’s the Altean empire that’s the danger. With the worlds affected reversed, we can infer that the meteor hit Altea and not Daibazaal - and while they’re kiiiinda? gentler about it the Alteans are twisted in horrible ways too.

Secondly: Druid magic screws with normal quintessence quickly, and negatively.

We have as our main example for this the Crystal Venom episode. The crystal that Sendak puts in the castleship is purple, meaning it’s been tampered with by Druids. And what does it do? Exactly the same shit that the little DEB mote later does to Allura. It spreads fear through the castle. It tries to kill off the paladins. It plays upon their terror. None of that happens on a cruiser, but the cruisers use liquid forms of the quintessence, not giant crystallized chunks, and it may well be that this is why.

I know a popular fan theory is that it’s Sendak doing this, but we actually have no evidence of that. The AI of Sendak remains dormant all the way to S8. The ‘real’ Sendak is frozen in stasis - we can’t actually say for certain that him waking up was anything but Shiro’s terrified hallucination, as the ship poked at him the way it was poking at everyone else. Honestly, the only AI the crystal could’ve warped was Alfor’s, and we know that it did do so.

Hence, I really think all that purple quintessence in the cruisers and fighters was seriously fucking with galra minds. I think that may well be part of why a lot of cruisers were staffed with robot sentries, too - robots aren’t living, and thus can’t be driven into psychotic breaks by being near sources of tainted quintessence. The officers and commanders are near it, but not so near that the effects are too strong or immediate. Just a low, slow, warping of personality.

In short it’s never ‘quintessence’ doing the poisoning.

It’s the DEB behind pretty much everything.  And since they can’t stop reality-crossing comets from happening, there’s always a chance another rift will form, and some DEBs can get out and start this mess all over again.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk and goodnight.

[withasmoothroundstone]

The Lanterman Act is not the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act.  Don’t confuse them.

The Lanterman Act, or the Lanterman Developmental Disabilities Act, is an act governing the rights of and services for people with developmental disabilities in the state of California.  Under the Lanterman Act, people are supposed to be guaranteed the right to live in their own homes regardless of degree of disability.  This doesn’t always play out in practice, but it’s supposed to, and it gives people the leverage to do so.  And that’s just one of many important things it does.

The Lanterman-Petris-Short act is about involuntary commitment for people with psychiatric disabilities in the state of California.  It deals mostly with 72-hour involuntary holds (a.k.a. 5150), 14-day involuntary holds (a.k.a.5250), and temporary conservatorship.

I was once dealing with an... interesting... psych survivor/ex-patient group in California.  The woman who ran it seemed so desperate to find any ally anywhere, and any foothold anywhere, that it didn’t actually matter whether the ally or the foothold made sense.  

For example, she was always carrying around Scientology posters at protests.  Scientology has always regarded psychiatry as competition, which is their original reason for being anti-psychiatry.  Before Scientology was made into a fake religion, the basics of Scientology were touted as an alternative to psychiatry.  Psychiatry was in direct competition with them.  After they became a full-on cult, they turned on psychiatry as systematically as they turned on their detractors, the IRS, and anyone else they hated.  They didn’t care about the human rights abuses of psychiatric patients, they just saw those human rights abuses as a means to make psychiatry look bad.  If the human rights abuses weren’t there, and psychiatry was some kind of miracle wonder science free of any serious ethical problems, they’d have just made something up, just like they randomly try to make their high-profile detractors look like pedophiles.  Scientology does things to its own members that are just as bad as the worst things in psychiatry.  And the likelihood of terrible and even deadly things go up if they basically identify someone as crazy.  Here’s an example of what they call the “Introspection Rundown”, a response to a “psychotic episode” or “complete mental breakdown”:

Declaration of Roxanne Friend, a former Scientologist, declaration given under penalty of perjury, references depositions.  Read that over and tell me how it differs from the general range of fucked-up things involuntary psychiatry will often do to someone they deem to be psychotic or having a mental breakdown. And if you want for some reason to hear about a more nightmarish Introspection Rundown, google Lisa McPherson. (Spoiler: She died as a direct result of the Rundown.)

I’m sorry -- I know politics makes strange bedfellows, but I refuse to be bedfellows with a destructive cult just because it happens to think that a very destructive industry is competition.  And I refuse to believe anything I hear about psychiatry from Scientology unless i’ve heard it from another source that isn’t a Scientology front group.  (The Citizen’s Commission on Human Rights is a Scientology front group.  Just so everyone’s clear.)  

Also to make it perfectly clear:  Scientology has not helped the psychiatric survivor/ex patient/mad pride sort of movements.  All it’s done is make everyone convinced that former psychiatric patients criticizing psychiatry are actually just a bunch of Scientologists and safely ignored.  Pretty much every time I express a view critical of psychiatry as a whole, someone tries to tell me -- or anyone around who will listen -- that I must be a Scientologist.  Between Scientology and the so-called dissident psychiatrists, it’s very hard for actual crazy people to criticize psychiatry and be taken seriously.  Like, it’s bad enough that being crazy is enough to discredit us in a lot of people’s eyes -- I’ve heard psych survivors described collectively, by psychiatrists, as everything from “psychotic people who have unfortunately never let go of their paranoid process” to “borderline personalities who like drama and attention”.  But even if we get past that stage, we’re going to be associated with L. Ron Hubbard, David Miscavige, Peter Breggin, and R. D. Laing, whether we like it or not.  And that’s only the start of the misconceptions about us and what our actual views are.  We pretty much can’t get a word in edgewise because everyone already things they know what we’re thinking.  

And bottom line-- Scientology/the CCHR make this all worse, not better.  They hinder our ability to get human rights abuses exposed and dealt with.  And then they try to recruit people into what’s basically one giant human rights abuse disguised as a religion for a combination of tax-evasion and recruiting purposes.

But to her, they didn’t like psychiatry so she was on board 100% and didn’t care what anyone said about the hellish things that happened in Scientology.  (And yet wanted people to listen to her about the hellish things that happens in psychiatry.)

So on that note...

One day I was grumbling about the governor.  He was threatening to repeal the Lanterman Act to save money.  (It was unclear that this would actually save money, but even if it would, that’s not an acceptable reason to remove people’s right to live in our own homes.)  I was legitimately afraid, because I was getting Supported Living Services through the Regional Center system and all that could fall apart and I could end up in an institution permanently, or on the streets, depending on whether the system chose abuse or neglect as their basic response.

Her response? “The Lanterman Act is what makes involuntary commitment possible.  They should repeal it.”

I was like... “I’ve read the entire thing.  I didn’t see that there.”

She insisted it was, in fact, there.

I do have reading comprehension issues.  I concluded I must’ve missed it.  I told her that removing the Lanterman Act would likely land me in an institution.

She started yelling at me about how I was -- this is almost a direct quote -- “just like the people in the concentration camps who were willing to sell out their fellow inmates because they got a few favors from the Nazis”.  Which... seemed pretty harsh for a brief conversation about a topic we both seemed fuzzy about the details of.  And she decided to support the governor because of his desire to repeal the Lanterman Act.

I later scoured the Lanterman Act and couldn’t find any of the shit she talked about.  I had little enough self-confidence that I assumed I must be totally misunderstanding something major.  

Much later, almost by accident, I learned two things.

One, I was right.  The Lanterman Act is not the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act, and the governor had no plans on repealing the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act.

Two, even if it had been the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act, I don’t think she was thinking it through.  Because... the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act sucks.  In huge ways.  It allows for things that are quite dangerous to people.  I’ve been 5150ed and 5250ed more times than I can count.  

The local adult psych ward was a death trap I was lucky to escape alive without getting snagged into a hold cycle until something happened I couldn’t get out of (I have a deadly reaction to one of their favorite meds, and both psych professionals and ER professionals are trained to be cynical about anyone who says they react to them, even though my reaction was originally witnessed and documented by a gaggle of professionals).  They routinely drugged people until their throats tightened up enough they had trouble speaking, and then took them to their commitment hearings in that state to be talked about in the third person and made to look as incompetent as possible while unable to talk back.  One thing our group did was visit to keep an eye on patients who didn’t have anyone else looking out for them.  And they did everything in their power, including spontaneously changing visiting hours the moment they saw us, to keep us out of there.

So I’m no fan of California’s involuntary commitment policy or the fact that people could be stuck in places like that particular psych ward.

But repealing the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act would not actually get rid of involuntary commitment, nor would it improve the conditions for people under involuntary commitment.  What people don’t all seem to realize is that the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act was put into place to limit indefinite commitment times and to limit the reasons for involuntary commitment.  It didn’t do enough, obviously.  It didn’t end it.  But before the L-P-S Act, you could commit people indefinitely and for incredibly vague reasons.  So the L-P-S act overall reduced commitment times and made it harder to commit people.  People who want commitment to be easier are always complaining about how hard it’s been made to commit people.  It’s not that hard, in my experience, but it’s still harder than it could be.  Harder than it used to be.  Harder than it would be without it.

If they want to do away with involuntary commitment, that doesn’t take repealing the L-P-S Act, it takes writing new law to govern what would actually happen instead, and then repealing or replacing or amending it or however that kind of thing works.  It would, in fact, probably very similar to parts of the actual Lanterman Act, at least at first.  The Lanterman Act didn’t do away with institutionalization of people with developmental disabilities, but it took huge steps in that direction and made alternatives to institutions part of the new way things were structured.  

And it is really inappropriate to ask someone to risk backsliding into institutions after progress has been made in doing away with those institutions, just because you think it might make it harder to put you in an institution for 3 to 14 days.  And to gratuitously call them a Nazi collaborator if they don’t instantly agree with you -- on a point of view that in this case didn’t even turn out to be based on something real.  So for all I know this lady is still out there trying to get people with developmental disabilities put in institutions permanently so that (as she imagines things) it’s harder to put her on a temporary hold in an institution.  This is why it’s important to actually look up a law and its history as best you can, before throwing resources into changing it.  Because whether she hit the right law or the wrong one, getting it repealed would in either case result in long-term, even indefinite or permanent, involuntary institution stays for a lot of people.

Mistaking Lanterman for Lanterman-Petris-Short makes sense, but it’s a hell of a mistake to make and all the reason to be more careful.  And I wouldn’t put it past some law somewhere to give rights to one group of disabled people and take that same right away from another group of disabled people simultaneously, but you can’t just yank the rights out from under that first group of people without replacing it with something else, or you’re just reversing the situation.

[innuendostudios]

I Want It To Hurt: Thoughts on Night in the Woods

[massive spoilers ahead, but I’ll warn you before we get to them.]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ending of Night in the Woods. Finished the game a couple weeks ago; it’s pretty much the only game I’ve managed time for other than 20-minute bursts of Nuclear Throne when I’m waiting for footage to render or just decompressing between obligations. I have a weird jumble of feelings about the game, many of them deeply appreciative and some... confused.

These capsule reviews aren’t meant to be any kind of consumer advocacy, but if you’re waiting for me to tell you whether or not you should play the game: yes. Whatever else I say, yes, you should go play Night in the Woods. You may not know what you think of it by the end, but if you’re the kind of person who reads my stuff, you aren’t going to regret playing it.

The game’s protagonist, Mae, seems exquisitely designed to remind a certain type of person of themself. I might be one of those people, or, at least, I was when I was Mae’s age. Mae is a 20-year-old college dropout living with her parents in her jerkwater hometown, unsure of what to do with herself and generally unwilling to talk about it. Her town's economy is drying up and it’s a lingering question whether it will still exist in a decade or two. Everyone’s out of work or working for less than they deserve. Most of her friends from high school are still there, working the same jobs, playing in the same bands, eating the same crappy pizza.

It’s horribly familiar. When I was 20, I was piddling around community college with no motivation to transfer to a university. My dad had been laid off during the pre-Recession recession and hadn’t seen comparable pay since. I spent most of my time hanging out in coffee shops in my own jerkwater town, chatting up all the kids who’d never moved away, killing time. I worked my first job at the video store that was also a liquor store, around the corner from the hardware store that was also a deli. Our local businesses were also dying, save the few that secured a spot on Main Street, though by the time I was 20 my town was becoming a bedroom community for San Francisco and, instead of turning into vacant buildings, the local shops were getting muscled out by Peet’s Coffee and Jamba Juice. We even had our own parallel to NITW’s annual Harfest, but we called it Pumpkin Festival.

Admittedly, I was never a delinquent like Mae, and never managed to play in a band, even badly, so the sequences when I got to smash fluorescent lightbulbs and play bass were a kind of wish fulfillment (Mae’s bandmates sound for all the world like they’re covering Joy Division). And it’s moments like these that create the simple pleasures of Night in the Woods. It’s a game where stealing pretzels to feed to some rats you found in an abandoned parade float constitutes a major time sink and a minor, beautiful victory. Like, maybe I’m a fuckup but I can keep some rats alive and that’s not nothing. It’s a game where the conversation trees talk about the selling out of the working class, about punching fascists, about anarchy. It’s a game where the critical decisions you make are about who you want to hang out with on a given evening. (For the record: I agree that Gregg rulz ok but as soon as I realized that Bea didn’t like me very much I decided, oh no, I’m gonna make this girl my friend. So I saw pretty much none of Gregg’s or Angus’ optional content in my efforts to be best buds with Bea, and I regret nothing.)

So this game is something special. Play it. Let’s talk about the ending.

*SPOILER TOWN*

If I had sum up my overall impressions of Night in the Woods, I guess it’d be a more extreme version of my feelings on Oxenfree - somewhere over the course of the game I went from actively liking it very much to just kind of respecting it. Only more complicated than that.

OK, so Night in the Woods hints at a larger, darker plot from pretty early in the game, and such a thing was directly teased in the Kickstarter pitch, so by the time such things make their way into the game we’re all amply prepared for it. We’ve known all along that "there’s something in the woods.” I’m still not sure how to put into words my feelings on what that something is.

OK, OK, here goes: in the early stretches of the game, Mae has dreams that hint at what her mental state is up to, but as the game goes on, the dreams become more and more consistently about confronting giant animal gods. She also sees what appears to be a ghost man kidnap a kid at Harfest, but no one else sees this. Mae becomes convinced that there’s some kind of ghostly power that’s getting inside her head, while her friends worry that she’s cracking up. Still, they help her investigate various ghost stories around town, for her sake, and Mae’s health visibly declines and her dreams get more intense, until one night she finds herself communing with what may or may not be an utterly indifferent God who does not care about her or anything that lives on Earth.

Eventually, Mae and her friends track the ghost men into the woods and it turns out they’re not ghosts, they’re local men in hoods who are some kind of death cult. They believe they can keep the town from dying by kidnapping and sacrificing undesirables to the demon goat who lives deep beneath the old mines. They tell Mae that this is what’s been visiting her in her sleep.

So: Mae thinks she may be dealing with ghosts or God, the cultists think it’s a demon. Meanwhile, Mae’s friends think she may have some poorly-treated cognitive issues - turns out Mae had some kind of psychotic episode years back where she hospitalized a boy because she just couldn’t see other people as people anymore, and she’s been grappling with this disconnection for some time and going to college without good treatment may have made it all much worse. And maybe all this talk of careless gods and demon goats is just Mae dealing with the ugly parts of her own psyche.

Anyway, so Mae’s friends straight up shoot one of the cultists with a crossbow and then cause a mine cave-in that dooms the rest, which is, no matter how you slice it, a pretty sharp tonal shift from what most of the game has been. And, before escaping, Mae has a vision of sorts, where she feels herself sucked underground and once again confronting some kind of supernatural being.

And she just talks to it. She says she’s done disassociating from people. She knows that maybe nothing lasts, that maybe her friends will all drift apart and her town will die, but if that’s what’s going to happen, she wants to accept it. If everything disappears in the end, she wants it to hurt when it does.

The question, then: in this moment, are you, the player, talking to God? A demon goat? Or the dark parts of a mind in need of treatment? Or, a similar question: is the town dying because of the stagnation of wages, the shipping of jobs overseas, the failure of government to support small towns? Or is because the town needs to sacrifice to the beast that lives in the mines?

The game doesn’t have an answer for you. Instead, the game’s stance seems to be: whatever the answer, it’s out of your control. Be it economics, fate, religion, superstition, or mental illness, it is not a mystery you can solve, a villain you can shoot. It’s something you will have to live with, day by day. It is inexorable that, on a long enough timeline, everything ends. Maybe it doesn’t matter why. When you stare into a void, maybe it doesn’t matter whether you’re talking to God, a demon, or your own broken mind. Maybe what matters more is what you say.

You may never know the truth. So hold on to what’s good and live with uncertainty.

I feel like this is a very profound thing for a game starring an anthropomorphic cat to say. I also can’t shake that it felt more profound when I typed it out just now than when I experienced it myself.

As a person from a jerkwater town, who’s spent his entire adult life working his ass off and yet perpetually broke, who’s spent the last five years grappling with depression and anxiety and the radical acceptance it takes to know that his thoughts can sometimes be extremely alien to him, and who has walked the long path from Christianity to wishy-washy agnosticism to weary atheism, I feel this moment should have slugged me in the gut. I can’t think of a single game that would say such things, and I can’t think of a game that seems more explicitly tailored to my sensibilities and experiences.

But while I respect the hell out of Night in the Woods’ ultimate message, I still feel conflicted about how it plays out. I don’t think the game is wrong to veer into odd genres at the end - so many of its themes are internal and philosophical that literalizing them in order to build to a climax feels like a smart decision. I don’t know if it’s that the game spends such a long time raising questions and then kind of rushes the answers. I don’t know if it’s that Mae and her posse seem a lot more credible cracking wise and worrying about money than shooting people with crossbows. It’s certainly hard for a game about normal people with normal problems to throw in highly abnormal problems for the final hour.

I don’t know if I maybe just need to play it again.

I feel like the more I think about the ending, the better I understand it, but I still can’t say with confidence that I like it. And my appreciation of the game seems deeply rooted in the front half and not the final third.

And I don’t know when I’ll have time to go back in and play it again. For now, I’m glad I played it once. Whatever it was, it was certainly something.

[jaxxonpollux]

“why do i always pick people that don’t want to be with me?”

this is completely cliche. i know it, probably everybody knows it. it’s something you’d hear on an episode of Degrassi, or maybe occasionally on Full House. poor Uncle Joey, let’s give him a throwaway line to say to, i don’t know, Bob Saget or twin baby Michelle so that they can monologue something heartfelt over our staple sentimental TV show score. that’s like, our thing. or, let’s have this teenager guy say this to his lady bff so she has a reason to look sad and throw herself at him. something that would never happen irl except under desperate circumstances.

and i know why i said it too. not because i truly felt it, in all honesty. i mean, i did felt some semblance of rejection from a variety of people i had spoken to or heard from or looked at in the past 24 hours, but the notion that i’m so pitiful that i’m just “picking the wrong people” and wearing blinders is kind of a a joke. i can just as readily give up on somebody as i can be obsessed with them. it’s some ugly cosmic power i have. i always allude to my vague sense of pride, and that’s a part of it, a refusal to be desperate. i’d rather be alone forever than be desperate! you don’t say things like this because you mean them.

it’s intentionally pitiful. manipulative. again, not a word that i like to wear, but it fits nice and snug around the ol’ waist. and i tap into it even during the smallest interactions. i don’t know why it’s a part of me. maybe it’s the way i was raised, maybe miasma is really a thing, and i’m just converting all of my dad’s alcoholic guilt-trip energy into something equally ugly and not yet as sinister. sometimes a conversation is like an experiment. sometimes you just say things because you wonder about the response, not to get things off your chest.

i said it and she paused for a second, and then said “i’m sorry.” like she was complicit in the crime, a #metoo with an entirely different meaning. an admission that she never wanted to be with me either. which, like, doesn’t really bother me at this point, but it’s interesting to hear people react that way. not a supportive “aw shucks pal, you’ve got the right person for you just around the corner! and besides, i love you tons, c’mere you big pile of marshmallow!”

or maybe she could just smell the manipulation. i do that too, like, when homeless people go on a tangent to explain how much of a christian they are before they ask for money. i met one guy who crossed his chest, pointed at the sky, and made a cross with his fingers all within the span of 5 seconds. it kind of made me feel like a vampire or something. anyway, when you smell a manipulation tactic, the first instinct is always repulsion, and it’s usually the one you go with. maybe that’s why she said what she said the way she said it, a casual brush away. not playing that game. it makes the whole probe kind of a dud, but that happens with probes, doesn’t it?

it’s peculiar, treating conversations like experiments. trying on personalities and characters like masks. you can’t really do that without some kind of cost. it ruins your image, to the people you don’t want to be ruining your image for. you can’t have any fun anymore! as i recently said to someone else i know. there’s no rehearsal when it comes to this kind of stuff. no rewind. you just say it and let yourself be destroyed. for science, i guess.

---

anywho, i think i’m becoming more comfortable with being an awful person. like, just letting the floodgates loose. i had a girlfriend when i was 14 who was very catty and loved to gossip, one day she said she was gonna try not to do that anymore, it made her feel bad. i begrudgingly went along. i think it destroyed the magic. and anyway it didn’t last very long, people can’t really make choices like that for themselves. i mean, maybe some people can. i don’t really know. but i’m just accepting some of those evils now and letting them boil on the stovetop. all the things i try to hide or not be. all the things i don’t want people to see when they look at me. i suppose it’s a victory for “being yourself,” isn’t it? isn’t that the ideal everyone tries to reach? or is that just another piece of teenage tv melodrama advice that doesn’t really mean anything? i saw a clip from the new spider man movies, spider man was like “you’re right, i should just be myself,” and his fat friend was like “c’mon peter, nobody wants that.” he might be right, and maybe a lot of people aren’t themselves because they know they suck.

i still feel like i don’t know who myself is. there are some people out there that spend every waking moment worrying about what other people think about them, about trying to put their best face on every day, trying to be a really good person, under the assumption that it will also make them feel good. be kind, love, and be loved. constantly wondering what the best thing to say is, and constantly drawing a blank. people like me! i feel like half the time i hear somebody i don’t have any reaction inside. it’s not that i have secret hateful thoughts that i bottle up or anything. i just have like, a lot of undeveloped land in there, somehow. i could run a kid over on his bike and shrug it off. i could be having sex with a beautiful woman and not feel a hint of arousal. my mind goes blank a lot.

or maybe i just have a lot of cellophane over certain parts of myself. does that make sense? i haven’t had the experience that required me to unpack that box there in the back. i’m sure if i actually ran over a kid, went to court, had to face their sobbing parents, got slapped around by some interrogating police officer, spent time stewing in a jail cell, my heart would be bleeding with guilt and regret. i just haven’t gotten a chance to make that mistake yet and unlock that part of myself.

or maybe when i’m faced with things that i ought to care about, a big shield pops up, a wave of protection, and everything goes blank. a sort of dissociation, which i really hate in other people when i want to know them, but maybe it’s something that i have too. like a wall of fear that doesn’t let anything in or out. it’s paralyzing, being put in a situation, and not knowing what you would do in that situation. your head doesn’t let you know the next step, so you wait there, dumb and sweating. it’s only until directly after that everything comes flowing through, kind of like that “oh, THIS is what i should have said, this is what i should have done” feeling that is so incredibly common in everybody.

or maybe i’ve just locked the front door, but the back door is still wide open. and things only get to me through specific channels, ones that i wouldn’t normally count on but are tried and true. i don’t know what i’m doing in a bed with someone, but i come alive naked in front of a webcam. i’m a wallflower at parties, unless i get a specific concoction of drugs and drinks in me that pulls everything out, wit charm guts and all. i can’t talk for shit, but i can write up a real enthralling tale. who knows what’s going on in there?

---

i feel like i’ve been trying to get to know this girl through the back door, the front door is locked. like, talking to her, when she makes herself available (scarcely), doesn’t bring me any closer to knowing her. KNOWING her, whatever the hell that means. so instead i’ve been digging around in everything she tells me she ever liked, movies she watched, books she read, things that had a profound effect on her. trying to put together machine parts and figuring out what potions were sloshed together to make her. it’s a backwards way of trying to get to know someone.

i want to get to know people by living with them. i feel like it’s the purest way, learning a person’s diet and mannerisms and how often they do the dishes. it says a lot about how someone feels inside, i think, the time they wake up for work, or the food they have for lunch. every person i’ve ever met, i wish i had gotten to live with them for a while. i want those nitty gritty details, i thrive off of them. sometimes i even want to become people for a while, like some psychotic twist on method acting. 

actually, that’s probably not true. i tried to think of why i would want to be somebody else and it’s just exhausting. and i think i only want to understand other people so i can shape myself to be the best for them, again that kind of manipulative “i’m trying my best to be perfect for you” desire. the problem is, i’m never going to figure anyone out, and even if i did, i don’t think i have the proper judgment to decide what would be best for them either. i need to figure out a better way to interact with people, clearly. letting people just be themselves and not thinking about it drives me nuts sometimes, but it’s obviously the best. i just don’t want to be one of those Men that goes through life steam rolling everyone else under whatever my personality ends up being, just being unabashedly unashamedly “myself.” that kind of person gets on my nerves too. i get the feeling some people really love that kind of person, but oh here i go again trying to decide on “kinds of people” like i’m trying on shoes.

it’s honestly a mess. maybe i’ll grow out of it. like maybe i’ll have a kid and the only person i’m allowed to be is a good dad, for the rest of my life. there’s some comfort in that, knowing who you gotta be and just committing to it. right now, i could still be anybody. i don’t know if i’m a baker or a writer. i don’t know if i’m an artist or a mindless consumer. i don’t know if i’m a bad boyfriend, a libertarian, a genderfluid fruit basket, or just a total sack of shit. and that really bothers me. i mean, obviously.

[dahlthir-blog]

    ➜ Ahyoung Hwang has been accepted!

Welcome to Dahlthir, Aya! Your application for Ahyoung Hwang has been approved. Since we are in our soft opening we will not be posting roleplay blogs yet but you can send one in for us to keep safe and sound in our inbox!

The character portion of the application can be found under the cut. I loved reading this. The description of her appearance alone reads like poetry and already paints a lot of her character and her background. And how you wrote her background! I almost teared up to be honest. I’m crying I believe in her! I hope she finds others that believe in her too! aaa you got me. I am completely enthralled by her character!

CHARACTER SECTION

faceclaims & series: alice liddell from alice madness returns & baek seol-a from fluttering feelings

character name: ahyoung hwang

housing: ultima union, in her own room

age: mid to late two hundreds, give or take some decades  /  appears as a twenty year old woman

warnings: minor blood & gore, light mentions of experiments akin to torture, ptsd, depression, psychosis & ( sort of ? ) cannibalism

appearance: she stands at an average 5’ 5", her build slim with little curves. an unremarkable body, ahyoung herself unremarkable if only she didn’t carry herself so confidently, wear clothes just on the side of stylish to draw some eyes, a subtly unsettling air following her. the bags are heavy under her wide green eyes, lashes long & thick. on others it would make them more beautiful ; on ahyoung they only highlight the pallor to her skin, bring attention to the disturbing depth in her eyes, switching from lifeless to burning intensity on a coin drop.

unkempt, shadow black hair, paper white skin, lips pale save for the red that seems to bleed out from the center – she’s haunting, through and through, at best looking like a woman who hasn’t slept in a long time & at worst someone on the edge of collapse, a body she barely keeps together, something that seems to thrum beneath her skin.

no one worth their salt would look at ahyoung & think she’s human, though they’d be hard pressed to pinpoint precisely what she is. cut her open & she bleeds black. call her a ghost, a witch. call her a monster & you’re getting close.

where other dragons are study with wings, ahyoung’s form is long & wingless, the full length of her able to wrap around a castle twice. her horns are twice the length of her head, her scales are so white & matte one can’t even tell she has scales unless they’re inches close, from afar her body looking slick, leather smooth. the fur lining her body is black & wispy, like tendrils of shadow clinging to her skin & missing in some spots, as if torn or burnt off. the same black creeps from her talons to mid arm, like a rotting to her limbs slowly taking over. her tail is bitten off in places, a meal to other hungry beasts, the point torn clean off.

yet none of her features are as noticeable as the blood. she looks fresh from a battle with no clear victor, talons soaked in so much blood one can barely see the black underneath, as much red on her as there is white, chin dripping with blood. most will think her eyes are gauged out unless they get close enough to see that no, her eyes are just pure black, soulless as they are, blood oozing from the edges. not like tears. like someone tried to claw her eyes out & failed before ahyoung devoured them.

dragons shouldn’t look so hollow, all lost grandeur, a corpse that refuses to accept death. there’s a time when the skin of ahyoung’s body looked like gems & not maggot flesh, where her every breath smelled of something not copper tinged terror, believe it or not. ahyoung doesn’t.

are they a part of the adventurer’s guild: yes, a full member of about two years

personality:

+ clever, resourceful, creative, inquisitive, brave, empathetic, adventurous

- coarse, cynical, unstable, violent, challenging, reckless

she’s good for an interesting conversation & a great ally with her set of skills – but she’s not friendly & not guaranteed to get much better.  the person ahyoung is today is a direct result of her trauma. her ptsd & the mistrust she has in others stemming from said trauma forms the basis of her interactions, shapes her world view. it makes her withdrawn, makes her mean when she doesn’t need to be, violent when nothing calls for it, apathetic at the worst of times. the good parts of her are suffocated under layers of cynicism & paranoia, her depressive episodes, her psychotic ones.

her long life has given her years to deal with what’s happened to her but trauma sticks with you, seeps into your bones. in this, ahyoung is different from no humans. she wants to believe she’s more than her past, that her scars don’t run so deep. except they do. the reality is that she’s not the carefree girl she once was & certainly not the woman she wants to be, but she’s trying & her heart is good & maybe, maybe, others can see that & believe in her, too. as it is, simply not being hated & attacked on sight is a good day for her.

background: ahyoung’s father tells her, when she’s no longer than the length of a baby’s leg, people will look at us & call us gods, but we are gods they can touch – given the chance, they will try to destroy us. so play it smart. learn to walk on two human legs, speak their language, eat like them, laugh like them, think like them. don’t stand out too much. don’t flaunt your wealth. don’t underestimate their intelligence, their strength of will. she doesn’t & so she lives comfortably, days spent laughing with her sister, getting rides of her brother’s shoulders, dancing & singing & living with villagers.

she thinks people are interesting, full of wit & curiosity & wonder, worthy of their place in the world, of standing beside dragons, befriending them, even taming them. she never thinks they can be so evil.

when the hunters comes for them, ahyoung is the only one awake. she doesn’t need sleep as much as her family & that’s what saves her. that’s what makes her hear as her family is slaughtered & watch as their home is burnt down in flames. she’s just a girl then. a dragon, but a girl, coming up no taller than an adult’s waist. doesn’t make for fast running, not on those short legs.

really, it wasn’t hard for the hunters. death is a cleanser. makes a kid paralyzed, seeing their family die, their home destroyed. makes a kid blank out, forget they’re a child, a girl, a dragon. forget they’re anything.

the story goes as expected from there. girl against adults, dragon against hunters, a thing to keep locked up in a lightless room, prodded with needles, cut with knives, sucked of blood, skin pulled off, life torn away. it’s years before ahyoung regains her mind & it’s not the same. she grows from child to teenager between stone walls, strapped to a bed. she opens her eyes & sees in the dark. she opens her mouth & can’t speak at all. forgets she can.

the story goes like this now: a girl forgets she’s a dragon. forgets she’s anything. thinks herself a god & kills like one. devours like one. you make a girl forget she’s something & she’ll think she’s everything. doesn’t make sense but ahyoung doesn’t wake with a bit of sense in her. she wakes with hunger & fury & a haunting to her bones, phantom betrayal, a lifetime of pain.

they wanted a god in their cellar & they got something close to it.

when ahyoung makes it out, it feels like twenty lifetimes passed. physically, she looks fourteen years older. a hundred & ten years passed since the fire. this world feels new & ahyoung feels so, so old. she feels distant. unfamiliar, even to herself. hungry.

survival is difficult for someone relearning to talk, trying to relearn herself. she walks on human feet for years before she flies again, remembering she can. remembering she is more than this tiny body, these frail bones. but the world still isn’t kind, not even ( or especially for ) a dragon. she’s been attacked, ridiculed, hunted, chased out of whatever hole she calls a shelter. sometimes she fights back & makes things worse. sometimes she doesn’t bother. she learns.

she learns survival is cold & ugly & she has to become that, then, if she wants to keep surviving. even if on many days she doesn’t want to live. but those moments come & go & she’s still around. becomes good at survival. when she becomes good at that, she starts wanting to actually live. thinks she enjoyed living, once. would like to enjoy it again.

this takes her to the adventurer’s guild. the town is nice enough, the people fine, & the prospect of helping others appealing to her in a way she can’t explain. she should hate people, & in many ways does, but she wants to help all the same. if anything, quests keeps her busy & with a stable roof over her head & that’s enough for now.

level: 5

general powers: as expected of a dragon, she has empowered strength & speed in human form. she can’t lift a house, but she can wield a broadsword people twice her bulk can wield. she can’t move faster than light, but there’s a weightless quality to her & she can cross large distances in seconds, her actions smooth, body light & acrobatic. if she jumps high enough, she can float for a few seconds after.

put a weapon in her hand & she can wield it proficiently enough. if she can’t, she’s willing to learn. if she doesn’t have a weapon, there’s always her fists, then claws. she’s deadliest with anything that can slice & her fighting relies more on instinct than skill, but her skill set is still expansive. live long as she has & you pick up some things.

her sense of touch is almost gone now. she can feel only extreme temperatures & pain. can’t feel the softness of silk or the roughness of gravel.

her affinity for fire is simply that: an affinity. she’s drawn to flames & they’ll flare when she’s near, but that’s the extent of it.

she can see in the dark.

specific powers: yes, she’s a dragon & yes, she breathes fire. she doesn’t know if it’s hotter than the sun, she’s never been idiotic enough to fly up there to check.

the more she’s hurt, the stronger she becomes. if on the verge of collapse, she can enter a berserk like mode & in there she will look godlike in her power, covered in blood & invincible, able to level a city if she tried hard enough. it’s difficult to wear a dragon out, however, more so to bring it to the verge of death. by that very rule alone, this is not an ability ahyoung is able to use often. she’s only ever used it once before, in that building when she awoke.

extra: she hasn’t ever eaten another dragon so she’s technically not a cannibal, but she has & will eat humans / human lookalikes, so there’s that. ahyoung’s aware of the social norms though & she is trying to be a functioning member of society, so she’s not going to go out of her way to eat humans, & if she does so it’ll typically be in her dragon form. really, she just views anything as fair game when it comes to food.

sometimes she’ll stumble over her words or seem to forget things entirely. she still thinks a lot in her dragon tongue, may even speak it in a rare moment, so language & new concepts can get all jumbled up in her mind.

[tragicbooks]

<p>7 surprisingly sweet moments you may have missed in this week's 'Game of Thrones.'<br></p>

Welcome to “A Song of Nice and Fire” Upworthy’s weekly series recapping one of the most brutal shows on TV. Since brutality is not really in our wheelhouse, Eric March has taken it upon himself to dig deep, twist and turn, and squint really hard to see if he can find the light of kindness in all the darkness. He may not always succeed, but by gosh if he won’t try his best.

Here’s what he found on this week’s "Game of Thrones."

Someone's got a case of the Mondays! Image by Macall B. Polay/HBO.

This show'll break your heart. Even with the forces we think we're kinda maybe supposed to be rooting for (sorta? It's maddeningly unclear) on the march, a lot of bad stuff still manages to happen on "Game of Thrones," not infrequently to characters you only just started to care about (RIP Dick Tarley).

Yet, it's not all unstoppable frozen killing machines, deadly mind games, and bright young men cut down in the prime of youth.

Here are the silver linings and genuinely nice moments you may have missed:

1. Drogon shows restraint by not burning literally everything and everyone.

Good show, you guys. Image by Macall B. Polay/HBO.

Incinerating a couple of treasonous lords is just another Tuesday for everybody's favorite flying flame-thrower. This time, however, Drogon had the impeccable fashion sense to leave Dickon and Randyll Tarley's stylish cloaks behind. How do you say "that's progress!" in High Valyrian?

Later, the deadly dragon demonstrates even further chill by accepting a face rub from Jon and, even more importantly, not eating and/or barbecuing him (the King in the North, it continuously turns out, is family, but still).

Yeah, Drogon roasted thousands of men to death just last week, but whatever. You gotta figure ... when it comes to a giant, amoral, fire-breathing dragon, it's gonna be two steps forward, one step back.

2. The old guys in the North acknowledge that Sansa wears that wolf queen cloak pretty damn well.

Over the past several episodes, we've begun to get the impression that yes, duh, Sansa is actually good at this lording thing. It's a revelation that finally makes its way through the thick, arbor red-addled skulls of some assorted old northern and Eyrie lords who come to realize this week (a little too late, guys!) that they kinda wish they voted for the competent, savvy woman when they had the chance.* Even Arya finally acknowledges that being the boss seems to agree with her sister, even if she does so grudgingly and passive-agressively with a whiff of "be careful I don't stab you."

Sure, Sansa's a little power hungry (aren't we all?), but being a wee bit shifty, while not being an outright psychotic murderer is exactly the right posture for the Westerosi ruler who doesn't want to get shivved, beheaded, burned alive, flayed, eaten by dogs, or some worse thing that, dear God, I hope doesn't get deployed in season eight.

Inasmuch as anyone can "got this" on "Game of Thrones," Sansa has got this. And people are finally figuring that out. Slow, but steady, everyone!

Good, too, on Masie Williams for playing their entire interaction like the world's most annoyed little sister — the contrast with the (significant) stakes was A+.

*There's a lesson here. It's going over my head, presently.

3. Cersei allows Jaime some bro time with Tyrion.

Queen gotta get her "staring blankly into the middle distance" in. Image by Helen Sloan/HBO.

Sure, she suspects Tyrion murdered their father (true!) and her son Joffrey (untrue!), but she knows Jaime has a soft spot for his valonqar, she likes Jaime, and, hey, it's nice for the two of them to get to hang out before the baby (the baby!) arrives.

Also, it never hurts to source a little timely intelligence on your biggest geopolitical foe and turn it to your advantage. But ... you know, details. Jaime and Tyrion got their bro time!

4.  Arya and Littlefinger kill some time playing hide and seek!

Skulking around a frozen castle, drilling with swords, hauling grain, and trying not to get killed by ice zombies can be stressful. What better way to relieve it than with a fun, friendly game the whole family can enjoy?

It's a small castle, but Petyr Baelish and the tiniest, most murder-y Stark are both naturals, natch. And while neither finds the other, Arya does uncover a sweet note Sansa wrote home (under duress) way back in season one, urging her brother (RIP Robb Stark) to pledge his loyalty to the Lannisters! What are the odds?

(Even pausing right on the frame, it was next to impossible to make out what this note actually, you know, said. Credit to Twitter user Daemon Blackfyre for doing the old gods' work here).

The note they made Sansa write to Robb after Ned was betrayed. #ThronesYall http://pic.twitter.com/3MSnFxjutv

— Daemon Blackfyre (@Dpzzle) August 14, 2017

5. Pretty much everyone is really putting that teleporter to good use!

Westeros is roughly the size of South America. Yet, this season, and this episode especially, people seem to get around really, really fast. Like the Dothraki last week, Jamie two weeks ago, and Jon before that — basically everyone everywhere has been zipping across the continent at lightning speed, petting dragons one minute and stalking ice zombies the next. Going from glowering around a rocky island fortress to glowering around a distant blacksmith shop and back to glowering on that rocky island in what seems like an hour-and-a-half.

While slow-burn character development has its place or whatever, we're on season seven here, people! Fast-forwarding this stuff is a marked improvement on previous seasons when characters would spend 17 episodes chatting and riding horses, conquering neighboring cities, or walking from one castle to another very-similar looking castle, like, five miles away.

Mad props to whatever time-traveler saw fit to drop by and introduce quantum teleportation to the Seven Kingdoms. It's a good look.

But we wouldn't want to get too ahead of ourselves, which is why it's super nice that...

6. Sam (accidentally) preserves some sense of story pacing.

Fellas, we've all been there. Your girlfriend discovers your best friend is actually the trueborn heir to the Iron Throne, thus solving the whole puzzle of the whole show, but you can't be bothered because you're mad about some dumb stuff going on in your personal life.

**what it's like being a woman** GILLY: here's the biggest reveal of the season it says— SAM: could you shut up I'm tired of this let's go

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) August 14, 2017

Nevertheless, with everyone blasting themselves to and fro over the content to get that plot stuff done, it's heroic of Sam to slam on the brakes a little here for the audience, even if it required being unreasonably rude to Gilly in the process.

Hey, at least Little Sam gets to learn how to read!

7. The gang puts aside their differences!

This terrified striding will show 'em. Image by Helen Sloan/HBO.

Yeah, it sucks that the one guy (Beric Dondarrion) sold the other guy (Gendry) to a murdering witch, and that the third guy's (Jorah's) dad's job was to kill all of another guy's (Tormund's) friends and that yet another guy (the Hound) used to work for the family that killed the guy the sixth guy (Jon) thinks is his dad but isn't. But credit to The Hound for politely pointing out that none of that matters, and really, they should all be friends and focus on finding a solution to the real head-scratcher: what to do about the horde of walking dead people slowly staggering forth to kill them all.

When you've got a suggestion in a group setting, it's always nice to put it respectfully. Cheers to The Hound for personifying class.

Random acts of niceness:

Davos gives those two gold cloaks some free, organic Westerosi Fermented Crab Viagra before Gendry brutally war-hammers them to death. Hope it was an enjoyable last few seconds!

Varys expresses some regret for being adjacent to so many murders. Points, I guess.

That's all for now! Join me next week when, hopefully, Cersei aces baby yoga, a doubled-over Littlefinger explains the whole silly prank to Sansa and Arya and the Night King calls the entire thing off after realizing eternal life is pretty cool on its own without having to kill a bunch of mortal beings to feel better about yourself.