#like idk my dad makes me feel like I'm fucking crazy like that's a normal mistake to make right?

[shorelinnes]

this might sound a little crazy but if you forget to download a skype update before talking to your family when you scheduled a meeting ahead of time, is that proof that you're completely mentally unstable or is it just a normal mistake to make sometimes...

[choking-on-roses]

It deeply bothers me that nobody in my life ever responds to messages from me and they often leave me on read even when I'm talking about something really important

On the other hand it leads to some pretty hilarious conversations when days later I send a meme

[avatar-anna]

I was thinking you could do a “5 times y/n told Harry she was pregnant” for the young!dad series !! That would be so interesting especially since in the last piece you mentioned that Harry already had a feeling she was pregnant before she even told him

The Thing About Having Six Kids

so i got this ask and a couple others that were kind of about the kids' birth/pregnancy a while ago, and went with five different instances about each kid in the youngdadrry universe. it's all surrounding their birth, finding out about pregnancies, etc. enjoy!

Young Dad! Harry x Young Mom! Reader

Simone

(a text conversation between Harry and Y/n)

Y/n: i'm pregnant

(one day later)

Y/n: Harry?

Harry: Are you sure?

Y/n: i'm sure

Y/n: i have four different pregnancy tests to prove it

Harry: I don't know what to say.

Y/n: the 24 hours it took you to respond kind of told me that

Harry: I'm sorry about that. It's just...a lot

Y/n: it's fine i guess. at least you finally responded.

Harry: Did you think I wouldn't?

Y/n: honestly? yeah. it's not like we're married or in love or anything. you don't even live in the same country as me

Harry: What are you going to do?

Harry: I know but I wouldn't just like disappear on you

Harry: I was just shocked that's all

Y/n: idk. i'm still trying to figure out a way to tell my parents

Harry: Shit my parents!

Y/n: that's kinda where i'm at right now

Y/n: but i think i want to keep it

Y/n: the baby

Y/n: fuck that sounds crazy to say. i have physics homework due tomorrow but let me stop and make a life altering decision really quick about whether i want to have a baby or not

Harry: I'm sorry. You know...

Y/n: for getting me pregnant? knocking me up? putting a bun in the oven?

Harry: It seems too early to joke about this

Y/n: it's keeping me from freaking the fuck out at the moment

(ten minutes later)

Harry: I want to talk about this properly and figure this whole thing out but I have to go

Y/n: please don't feel obligated or anything. this was just a courtesy

Y/n: i don't expect anything from you. i get it if your management wants you to delete my number and never see me again. i just thought you should know.

Harry: What are you talking about?

Harry: Y/n?

3 missed calls from Him <3

Collette

"Let's have another baby."

Y/n was close to nodding off, so it was very possible that she was dreaming. She looked behind her. It was dark in the bedroom, but Harry was close enough that she could see him, could see that his head was propped on his elbow so he could look down at her.

"What did you say?" she asked, because she needed to be sure.

"I...I want another baby," he said, voice soft even though they were the only two people in the room. Simone was fast asleep in her own bedroom, tuckered out after a long day of playing at the park and eating ice cream and fingerpainting with Harry. Now that One Direction was officially on hiatus, it was just the three of them—Y/n, Harry, and Simone. Y/n thought it would take some getting used to, living a relatively normal life. But their little family actually fell into it quite easily.

Perhaps a little too easily.

"Say something."

Y/n hadn't realized she failed to respond, but to be fair, that was a pretty big bomb her husband just dropped. Her husband. They'd been married for a few months now, but it still felt surreal, which was probably why the idea of having another baby felt too far from reality to comprehend.

"I just...I don't know what to say," Y/n said honestly. "I—I'm not sure we're ready for that."

"We weren't ready the first time," Harry said when Y/n finally flipped on her other side to face him. This seemed like a conversation he really wanted to have, so she thought facing him would probably be best. "I just think this might be the time, you know? I don't have an insane schedule anymore, there's no more management to say that we can't, and I've always thought about giving Simone a sibling. Don't tell me you've never thought about it."

"I...I have," Y/n said.

She did think about more kids. As young as she and Harry were and as impossible as their relationship seemed at times, Y/n couldn't help but think about wanting more. She loved Harry, and she'd been loving these moments they'd been able to share as a proper family recently. Harry was right, if they wanted to have another baby, now would be the time.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said as she felt more than saw his hand push some hair away from her face.

"What happens when you start working again?" Y/n asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I know you, H," she said. "And I love you. Everything about you. And one of the parts that make you who you are is the music. This...this little bubble we're in, I love it too, but I know you'll want to go back to it someday. And then you'll go on tour for ten months, and I'll be alone to raise two kids by myself for a majority of the year."

It was harsh, but she trusted him enough to take it. This was the thought that always held her back. Y/n thought about the possibility of expanding their family on more than one occasion, especially in recent weeks when things have been practically perfect. But the reality was that Harry would want to go back to work. She knew, maybe better than anyone, the desire he had to make his own music, to create and write in ways he couldn't while in the band. And perform. Harry loved to perform live. Y/n knew that this time spent with just their family was fleeting, and she cherished every minute of it, the same way she knew Harry did. It was only a matter of time before he went back to work, and she wasn't sure she could raise Simone and a newborn without him.

"That's...That's all over now," Harry said. When Y/n tried to protest, he continued on. "What I meant to say was, the ridiculous schedules, the strict rules about when we can and can't spend time together, the separate hotel rooms. Mama, things can be different now."

"But management—"

"I bought out my contract," he said. "I haven't really given it much thought in a while because I just want to be present with you and Simone, but I've got a few people in mind for new managers. People who will prioritize our family."

This was certainly news to Y/n. It was hard to talk about Harry's management or the harsh thumb they pinned him under, so oftentimes it was a topic they avoided. Hearing him say this now, knowing how much money it would've taken to buy out his contract...that was a huge deal. As far as she knew, the other boys were just sticking with it until the contracts were finished. But Harry went and did what Y/n didn't even think was possible.

"Our family," Y/n repeated, and for a moment, she could see it. The three of them becoming four. It was crazy to think about, to think so far ahead into the future, but Y/n wasn't scared by it.

"Let's have another baby," Harry said again.

Looking at him, Y/n's heart squeezed in her chest. He'd been growing his hair out for a while now, and it was long enough that it reached just passed his shoulders. She loved it, thought it made him look older, more mature. And okay, hot. And Simone loved it too. She loved braiding it and putting bows and flowers in it or just twisting it around her finger. His shoulders were broad and lean, though he'd put on a little muscle in his arms from doing handiwork around the house, something he claimed he loved to do even though Y/n had heard him curse from another room while he worked on his latest project.

She looked at his face, the one that looked so different yet so similar to the one she'd met when she was seventeen. She wondered what those teenagers would think of the people they'd become, of the things they'd seen and experienced.

She thought about it. The baby-to-be. It would have Harry's eyes and smile, her nose and hair color. If it was a girl, she could wear matching outfits with Simone, if it was a boy...Well, they could maybe still match. Y/n thought about all the baby clothes—the adorable little onesies and shoes and mittens to keep the baby from scratching their face while they slept. She didn't let herself think of the late nights and sore boobs and dirty diapers. In this moment, she just thought about all the good feelings, every perfect moment that could be.

"You promise things will be different? I can't—I can't do it alone," she said, needing to hear him say it again.

Harry didn't try to kiss her, he didn't put his hands on her waist or pull her to his chest—all tactics he would normally use to distract her. This conversation was too serious, too important, and she loved him all the more for understanding that.

"I promise, Y/n," he said, taking her hand in his and squeezing it. "I will never make you regret living this life with me."

"That's not what I—"

"I know, but I just...I needed to say it."

He needed to make that promise to her, to himself. Life had not been easy, and Y/n knew Harry blamed himself for a lot of the hardships they faced.

"I don't," she said, kissing their joined hands. "And I won't. Ever. "

Harry grinned, and Y/n could tell even in the dark that his gaze was a little watery. Still, he inched forward and said, "So...?"

Y/n leaned forward and kissed him, her leg slotting between his. "Let's have another baby."

Maeve and Jules

"I'm sorry, did you just say twins?"

"I did. I'm seeing two heartbeats here. See?" The doctor said, pointing at the monitor she'd been observing closely the last five minutes.

Y/n couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. It was one thing to be pregnant (again), but an entirely different one to be pregnant with twins. "That's—"

"Amazing," Harry breathed.

Y/n turned her head away from the monitor to look at her husband, whose eyes were glued to the screen with a look of wonder in them. As she'd begun to process her own feelings about housing not one but two babies in her belly for nine months, she hadn't really considered how he might feel about it.

Looking at him now, she could tell he was ecstatic.

Y/n was still panicking a little, but seeing the elation on Harry's face was comforting. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it hard, needing to feel the warmth of his palm to ground her.

"Hey," he said softly, bending down to kiss the top of her head. "This is a good thing. Unexpected, but good."

"I know," Y/n said, letting out a shaky breath. "I know it's just...a lot. I mean...twins?"

"Nothing we can't handle," Harry said, kissing her cheek.

His confidence was reassuring. Maybe he was freaking out on the inside and not letting it show for her sake, but Y/n felt better about the situation at hand and was ready to continue with the appointment.

To the doctor, she said, "Are they healthy?"

The doctor smiled warmly. "They are. It looks like one of them is about a week behind, but that's nothing to worry about."

"Really? They're twins. That doesn't seem possible," Harry said, his brow furrowing adorably.

"It's rare, but it is possible. Fraternal twins can be conceived as much as twenty-four days apart," the doctor said.

Y/n understood perhaps a split-second before Harry, but when he did, he turned as beet red as she felt. The doctor didn't seem to mind their embarrassment, though she'd probably seen all sorts of couples and situations. Y/n imagined there wasn't much that the doctor hadn't seen before.

The appointment wrapped up pretty quickly after that. Harry snuck out of the hospital through a separate door while Y/n set up her next appointment. She met him in the staff parking lot, where he was standing by the passenger door to help her in. Harry gave her a quick kiss before closing her in and walking around to the driver's side. As he drove, Y/n was thinking about a number of things—twice the amount of clothes, twice the amount of crying, twice the amount of diaper changes. She was excited at the prospect of having a baby. It was a conversation she and Harry had before they started trying, but the idea of twins was a lot to wrap her head around.

She looked at Harry, wanting to ask how he felt now that they were alone, but she stopped herself.

Harry had one hand on the steering wheel, the other covering a wide grin. He was blushing a little too, and Y/n couldn't help but ask what had him smiling like an idiot.

"I'm trying to figure out which times," he said.

"What do you mean which—Are you kidding? Which times we conceived the twins?"

"Aren't you curious?" Harry asked. "Twice, babe. I put a baby in you twice. I mean, one of them had to be when we were on the yacht, right? I always feel good after we have sex, but I feel like we really outdid ourselves there. Clearly."

Y/n just looked at her husband in shock. "You are..."

"What? It's cool!" Harry insisted, but he was laughing too. "And it takes the edge off a little. Come on, you try."

So he was more nervous than he was letting on. That was comforting in its own way too, but Y/n appreciated his attempts to lighten the mood. They could have a serious conversation later, but for now it was fun to just forget all of that. Just for a moment.

Y/n gave him a dry look, trying to appear like she wasn't impressed until she eventually rolled her eyes and smiled. "Mm...I agree with the yacht, and...when you came back from London."

"Really?" Harry asked, more curious than surprised.

"Yeah," Y/n said with a little sigh as she remembered the night in question. "That was a good night."

It was one of those rare occurrences where Simone was in her own bed and Collette managed to sleep for more than a couple hours. They'd spent the whole night catching up and giggling like idiots and kissing and enjoying the pleasure of being truly alone with each other. Y/n loved those moments with Harry, where everything was just so simple and easy and it was just them having a little fun. They definitely should've been catching up on sleep while they could, but neither of them wanted to, so they stayed up with tired smiles and slurred movements until they heard Collette's cries through the baby monitor.

"It was. We should do that again sometime," Harry said. Taking Y/n's hand, he kissed the tops of her knuckles.

"You just want to go for triplets," Y/n teased, even though she knew that wasn't what he meant.

"I'm not that crazy," he said, but his smile told her he was thinking about the possibility. Maybe just a little. "I'm excited for this."

"Yeah? What do you think? Boys? Girls? A boy and a girl?"

Harry shrugged. "Our track record would suggest girls, but..."

"You never know," Y/n finished for him.

Geneva

"We have some pretty big news to share."

Once a month, the Styles family held a Zoom call with their friends and family who were scattered across the globe. Since lockdown began, there was a lot of adjusting—online school, not being able to go to the park to play, being at home all day. It was a lot for everyone, but Harry and Y/n did their best to make the adjustments smoother. And when they needed a break, they set up the monthly Zoom calls.

They were mostly just to catch up. Once all the children went to sleep, Harry and Y/n stayed up late talking to other adults about everything and nothing, maybe even played a different drinking game or two to round out the night before they went back to being parents. Tonight was a special night, though.

Multiple faces looked at Harry and Y/n expectantly through their computer screen. Both of them were sporting big smiles as Y/n leaned on Harry's side, one of his older sweatshirts covering her body and the almost imperceptible bump that was beginning to show now. Today was the first day she'd begun to show, and Harry nearly lost his mind with excitement. Finding out Y/n was pregnant had been somewhat of a surprise, but when she told him, he was over the moon. He's started to suspect, having recognized some of his wife's symptoms by now, but they'd been waiting for the right time to tell their families and friends, and tonight was the night.

"What's going on, darling?" Anne asked.

Neither Harry nor Y/n could barely contain their excitement, which probably gave away the news before they actually said anything. However, in their own eagerness to share the news, neither of them saw a few people on the call sporting knowing looks.

"We're having a baby!"

Cheers went all around as everyone congratulated the couple. Questions were asked about due dates and how far along they were and what they were going to do about the lockdown situation. Everything was just as Harry had hoped it would be.

And then things took an interesting turn.

"Who won?" Jeff asked.

"Won? What do you mean—"

"If my math is correct, which I'm pretty sure it is, I believe it goes to Gem," Sarah said, looking down at her phone. "She went with three and a half months. Glenne narrowly missed with three. No one had four so it goes to Gemma."

A collective groan went throughout the Zoom, leaving Harry and Y/n very confused.

"Did you place bets on us?" Y/n asked, sounding more astonished than offended.

"When lockdown became permanent, we knew it was a matter of when not if we would be getting the announcement," Jeff explained. "Someone has a physical copy of the pool somewhere."

"And all of you did this? Mum?" Harry said, brows raised higher than Y/n had ever seen them. When Anne nodded sheepishly, Y/n had to stifle a laugh. "So none of you were surprised?"

"I love you, dear, and I'm so so happy for you, but since you were seventeen, anytime you've come to me with big news, it's been about having a baby. For my own sanity, I've just come to expect it."

Harry looked down at Y/n, who was grinning behind her hand. For her husband's sake, her gaze softened as she reached up to kiss his cheek. "I mean, they have a point. Even you guessed it before I told you."

As the shock finally wore off, Harry smiled. He supposed it wasn't the worst thing in the world. So, he and Y/n were predictable, even though they hadn't really been trying this time around. They were in love and had a lot more time together currently. Things were finally back on track for them and their relationship troubles seemed behind them now. They were happy, and as long as his family was happy, some light teasing and bet placing seemed harmless.

He did pin everyone on the screen with a mock glare before moving on, though. "You guys made a whole pool. Really?"

"Yeah. Can you believe Jeff thought it would take eight months for you to get pregnant?"

"It was for the adjustment to lockdown period!"

"Eight months?"

And on and on it went. Harry just smiled and rested his hand over Y/n's belly, thinking about how much it would grow in just a few short weeks.

Natalia

"I want Mommy!"

Harry sighed and pulled his only son into his lap, pushing the curls away from his face and wiping the tears from his cheeks. "I know you do, JuJu."

Harry and the kids were waiting to hear from Y/n's mother, but he hadn't gotten so much as a text. He was anxious, worried that something was wrong, but Julian's crying served as a good distraction for the time being.

Julian continued to cry, still not understanding why he couldn't see his mother when he'd become so used to seeing her everyday. Harry would've been with Y/n had it not been for the little boy's crying, and he made the split-second decision to stay home while Y/n delivered the baby with her mother as support. He'd never missed any of his children's births, but for this, he could stay behind.

"She'll be back soon, bubba, I promise," Harry said, kissing Julian's cheeks and holding him close. "Should we go play with your Lego set? I know you've been excited to build it. Maybe we can build something to show Mummy when she gets home."

Julian shook his head and continued to cry into Harry's neck. Realizing his son was content to be miserable, Harry didn't ask again. He sat with Jules for a while, holding the boy to his chest and running a hand through his hair until his sobs turned into sniffles, and the sniffles into long, slow breaths. He waited a few extra minutes before taking Julian up to his room and setting him on his bed, making sure to place his favorite stuffed animal in his arms before leaving him to sleep off his troubles. As he walked away, Harry sort of wished he could do the same.

Every birth had been different. When Y/n had Simone, it hadn't been extraordinarily long, but it was extraordinarily stressful due to their young age. Collette was a fairly quick birth, perhaps a little too quick, seeing as Y/n barely made it to a hospital bed before the baby started crowning. The twins came early, which was apparently common for twins, but that didn't make it any less surprising to Harry and Y/n, especially because Harry was at the grocery store and Y/n was at the park with Simone and Collette and a nanny who was also there had to call an ambulance. Even still, Geneva's birth was probably the scariest, only because of all the rules and regulations brought on by Covid. Y/n's mother quarantined for two weeks so she could stay at the house while Harry and Y/n went to the hospital, as Y/n could only have one person in the room with her.

And now a year later, they were doing it all over again. Harry had been confident that this birth would go off without a hitch, that everything would be just fine, but the lack of word from his wife or mother-in-law made him nervous.

Later that day, Harry was still waiting. He'd gotten a text from Y/n's mother, which let him know that Y/n still wasn't ready to push but that they were getting close. That was an hour ago, and Harry had to believe that it was all happening now.

And he was missing it.

He knew being here with the rest of his children was important. That they were worried about their mother and probably found Harry's presence comforting. He just wished they could all be there in the waiting room instead of at home and fifteen minutes from the hospital. The not-knowing was killing him, and he was pretty sure his kids could sense it.

"Daddy?"

Harry's eyes flicked to where Collette was standing in the doorway of his bedroom. She was in her pajamas, a shirt and matching pair of bottoms with her favorite cartoon on them. Harry had been pacing around his room, his phone gripped tightly in his hand as he waited for someone to call him, but seeing his second daughter standing there, squinting at the light from his bedside table lamp told him he was up a little later than normal.

"Hi, peanut. What are you doing out of bed?" he asked.

Collette shrugged, her hair catching the light. She wiped at her nose and stepped further into the room until she stood in front of him. "Mommy always braids my hair before I go to sleep."

"She does, doesn't she?" Harry agreed. "She's kind of the best, huh?"

Nodding, Collette turned toward his bed and climbed up on it, looking at him expectantly. Even after having four daughters, Harry wasn't an expert at braiding hair. The girls always went to Y/n before school, and she did each of their braids or ponytails or pigtails happily. Harry always made sure to watch with a keen eye, and practiced on Y/n when she let him. He supposed now it was time to put all his practice to work.

The braiding didn't take long, and Harry didn't do half bad, in his humble opinion. Collette was just going to sleep in it anyway, so he wasn't too bummed by the few loose strands that he'd somehow missed.

He'd finished rather quickly, though Collette didn't slide off the bed to go back to her room. In fact, she nestled under the covers on Y/n's side of the bed, mumbling, "Night Daddy," before falling asleep. Harry didn't really mind. It wasn't the first time one of the kids stayed in his and Y/n's bed, and tonight, he figured he could use some company.

What he wasn't expecting was all of his children to stumble into his room. First it was Maeve, then Jules, then Simone, and finally Harry went to get Geneva, just so it was a proper sleepover. No one fought for space—which was a first. All the kids just found their spot and went back to sleep as if they were in their own rooms. Harry resisted the urge to take a picture so as not to wake anyone up with the flash of his phone's camera.

He hadn't planned on falling asleep. One moment he'd been watching a football game with the volume off, and the next he was blinking his eyes open as the sun began to stream in through the curtains. All of his little ones were still fast asleep, though Harry knew that would change soon. Maeve and Simone woke up early to watch morning cartoons, and Geneva would want her bottle within the hour.

Harry began to shuffle around and prepare for the usual morning routine—brush teeth, ok prepare the bottle, make breakfast for the early risers—when his phone rang. Startled, Harry rushed over to where his phone was plugged in, a huge grin splitting his face when he realized it was a video call from Y/n.

"Hi," Harry whispered, careful not to wake anyone up. "How are you? How's the baby? Is everything—"

"I'm fine, H. Everything's fine. Everything's perfect," Y/n said, a sleepy smile on her face.

Hearing that helped his heart stop racing, but only a little, as excitement flooded his veins. Y/n called him, which could only mean that—

"Wanna meet your daughter?" Y/n said, and even through the phone, Harry could see tears line her eyes.

Harry nodded, too overwhelmed with love and anticipation to form words. Quickly, he found an unoccupied spot on his bed and carefully sat down.

Y/n passed the phone to her mother who angled the phone so that Harry could see the baby, whose face was just barely visible through a pink blanket. He immediately felt tears well in his eyes, his throat going dry as he looked down at his daughter. Even through the phone, he felt every emotion he'd ever experienced when meeting his children for the first time. It was the most unique experience, Harry always thought. He'd seen and done so much, yet he still thought there was nothing like looking down at his newborn baby for the first time.

"Is that baby sister?"

Harry looked behind him to find Julian peering over his shoulder. Jules looked at the sleeping baby curiously, taking in his sister's little nose and tiny fingers and pouted lips. Then, he said, "Is Mommy there too?"

The camera panned up to Y/n, who was smiling and blowing kisses to Julian. "Hi JuJu, my love. I've missed you!"

"Mommy!"

"Mommy?"

"Mommy's home?"

Now everyone was up and crowding around Harry, taking turns talking to Y/n and baby sister, who had yet to be given a name. No one seemed to mind, though. If anything, they were more concerned about when Y/n and the baby would be coming home so they could have a party.

"Soon, my loves. The doctor wants me and the baby to stay one more night to make sure we're healthy. You think you can be good for Daddy?"

There was a chorus of yeses before everyone said their goodbyes, the novelty of a new baby sister wearing off when there were cartoons to be watched downstairs. Harry kept Y/n on the phone while he got Geneva's bottle ready, wanting to stay on the phone as long as possible.

"I know you must be tired," Harry said an hour later. He was in GiGi's nursery and watching her toddle around and play with her toys while talking to his wife.

"I'll hang up soon. I want you to get as much screen time as possible before I go," she said, turning the camera to where the baby was sleeping in the bassinet beside her hospital bed.

"Have you given her a name yet?" he asked.

Y/n shook her head. "I know we decided on one, but I wanted you to be with me when I said it for the first time."

"I love you," Harry said as his heart melted to mush.

"I love you too," Y/n said. She lifted the baby out of the bassinet, cradling her head with the expertise of someone who'd done it for years. Looking at Harry through the phone she said, "You wanna do the honors?"

Laughing out of pure bliss, he nodded. With all the tenderness and care he would've used if he'd been there in person, he said, "Welcome to this crazy, crazy world, Natalia Styles."

[totalfknloser]

Idk if it's I'm being asking way too early from the last request , but how about a list about Zack , Brodie , Dion and Giles green and red flags ? Like a top who has more ? ( ahem , it's way too obvious who but let's keep the mystery )

You're writing is awesome 🤟

LMAO THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS IS SO FUNNY LOL but tbh idk who has more red flags?? zakk is a meanie pants and i feel giles would be.. interesting.. dion would just be kind of nervous and brodie is completely just 😻 i think it would be zakk tho cause well it’s zakk but he’s hot soooo..

.☠︎︎. ⚂ .⛧.♫.

♫ BRODIE! MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL BRODIE! (can you tell i like Brodie a lot?) i feel that Brodie would be a very normal boyfriend and person, just a little weird because as a metalhead myself i can confirm metalheads are a little weird in their own each way. Brodie is a very sweet boy and i feel like he has very little red flags to none. i think his green flags would be that he can cook and take care of himself (i headcanon this because of his parents cause don’t kill me if i’m wrong but considering his dad is i think.. dead? and his mom is a crazy bitch, i think he learnt to care for himself pretty fast.), he’s, as i always say, a total softie who’s a wonderful boyfriend, he’s a calm person to be around other than, well, when there is like a zombie demon thing apocalypse, and other yk, good boyfriend type shit. I think his red flags wouldn’t be too red and more beige or barely a red flag. I think Brodie’s little things would be like he’s not too into actual skincare and just does basic things like wash his hair and use soap and stuff, but he still has like dirt under his nails sometimes and picks at his acne n shit. but i believe he would be more than happy to have you care for him for him lol. i also think he would be sorta lazy and be pretty messy, but blah blah, basically he’s a good boy.

☠︎︎ second on our not that red to bright vermillion flags is Dion. Dion is like, overly a nerd. which isn’t a bad thing, i love me a sweet nerdy boy. Dion has little things too like idk picked his nose till 7th grade in middle school, or watches too much porn but not to an addiction, just more random little things. much like Brodie, he’s a good boy. but until you as a lover would get him to open up to being a little more used to what love is like, he wouldn’t do very much to keep up the relationship lmao, he just loves being around you. Dion is very sweet, just a little more unusual, but more than Brodie.

⚂ GILES! Giles is weird, i think Giles is weird. I don’t hate him, i LOVE him platonically, i think he’s funny. but would i date him? no. i just think he would be a bit too peculiar. nobody can tell me he doesn’t have a porn addiction, and hasn’t fucked something weird which yes, you cannot tell me otherwise cause yes he has fucked something weird, it’s mentioned in the movie! i think it was a dummy or something. I think Giles is just very weird sexually, like not piss kink weird (sorry to everyone with a piss kink), but like too much porn and hot babes weird. and i don’t think he would be very like loving at first? like he would love you as much as anyone else in a relationship, he just wouldn’t know how to show it, but he’d eventually get it, much like Dion.

⛧ and finally, our beautiful blood red Zakk. Zakk is a nasty mean boy as we all know. before he really loves you, i believe he would be a man with a bit of a sick sense of humor (yk like dark jokes or laughing at sort of fucked up stuff), would be terrible at caring for himself in not all ways, but most. and he’s like, a total asshole, obviously. i saw someone say that Zakk would have bpd and listed why and i so agree which bpd or any disorder (trust me y’all i have 4 disorders lmao) doesn’t make you a red flag till you let it make you a red flag, and i think Zakk would let it become a red flag. Zakk is just kinda fucked up. from weird things on the internet he saw when he was too young, to definitely having trauma, i think he’s a little fucked from the start. I still love him and he would def learn to love you. I think his version of love would be a bit possessive and overly clingy, like if anyone hit on you he would get more possessive than he really should. I also think he would hold onto you forever and ever and never let go, and if you left and especially if you hurt him when you left, he’d never forgive himself for letting someone get that close, and other sad bullshit. i think i could work through Zakk and get mutual love out of him but it would be hard. but i don’t really care though cause i know he got some meat down there and he has a pretty face so idgaf! <33 + i know deep down there he is a lovable man. for his green flags, he’s a sweetheart when you get to love him, as i’ve said before. he’s very capable of genuinely caring and loving, it’s just hard to get him to do so. we love our boy Zakk no matter what.

.☠︎︎. ⚂ .⛧.♫.

MY HEADCANONS ON THEIR RED FLAGS AND GREEN FLAGS! I LOVE THEM! I LOOOOVE THEM!

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

HIHIHI ARI!!! MY LITTLE SWEET IRIS MY DEAR BELOVED!!!! DID U SLEEP WELL? how is the gojo fluff coming along? are the words working with you? (they better be smh!!!) anyway anyway i am here to thank u for ur words. sleepy sugu swims in my head and everytime he speaks it's just your words that are coming out idk u guys are kind of One in my head i think... YOUR WORDS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME I AM HOLDING THEM IN MY PALM N I AM NUZZLING AGAINST THEM OK!

btw i was thinking whether he'd say please in the end too or not... bc i think he wouldn't wanna come off as too bossy? but then i decided to not put it in bc i think his tone would already indicate that. a very very silent plea....

and hahshshahaha i'm glad u liked the silly little poetry lines too that made me feel so warm WAHHHHHHHHHH okeoke i'm giving u a big hug and a wet fucking smooch on ur forehead MWAHHHH thank u for existing my love<3333333333333 i hope ur day will go sunnily that is not a word but i am making it into one rn the sun will warm u always always always

- @catchuuu

MICKEYYYY MY ANGEL MY LITTLE SUNFLOWER SEED good morning to u too !!!! <333 i slept like a fucking log LMAO i had to drag myself out of bed.. almost fell asleep on my way out …….. i think i had a scary dream but it was fine i snoozed a bunch I HOPE YOUR SLEEP WAS JUST AS SOFT <333

and wahhh thank YOU sm for writing it 🥺🥺🥺 AND FOR THE TAG I ALMOST EXPLODED WHEN I SAW IT IN MY NOTIFS mickey!sugu is such a gift i love him sm :(((( pls kiss his little head for me.

“u guys are kind of One in my head i think” I’M SO HONOURED?????? it’s crazy that u say that too bc i 100% associate soft sleepy satoru with u 😭😭 i’m writing the fic rn and i’m just constantly going… ohhh mickey might like this line….. i wonder if i can make mickey cry if i make toru cute enough………. this part is very mickeycoded…………… PHDJSP u get what i mean. the duo is duoing <3333

AND AND AND!! that’s such a good question tbh….. i agree with u i think that under normal circumstances sugu would say please bc he is in fact a big ol people pleaser smh BUT…. when he’s so sleepy and unguarded i think it would just kinda slip out :((( it’s desperate in a way!! he just needs to feel u. he’d explode if u stopped. :((((

i think that when you get down to it sugu is a bit of a brat tbh.. he’s similar to satoru he just hides it better. but i think he’s such a sweet whiny little clingy brat when he truly trusts u <3333 when you guys have been dating for a while he’s flopping down on you like a big dog and asking so sweetly if u could play with his hair pls 🥺🥺…. if you tease him or decline he starts demanding it though PHDJDBD … “i do so much for this family and you can’t even spare a minute out of your day to appreciate me” IT WAS NEVER THAT SERIOUS SUGU ??? I WAS JUST JOKING ??????? he’s the silliest man alive… (the “family” in question is u + ur three cats btw <33 he’s a cat dad. it’s canon.)

[melancholycatastrophe]

Only Friends Ep. 5 Thoughts

spoilers

not even two minutes in and someone is trying to kill ray, its not looking good out here

nick interrupting the raysand handjob is so wild because sandnick knows that top cheated on mew and they know mew and ray are friends and theyre just not gonna say anything to ray, thats crazy

the raysand and topmew dates are so cute i just know this isn't gonna last

sidenote: that wasn't actually topmew being cute, it was forcebook. the only way i can keep myself sane is by pretending its just forcebook

sand dressed the way i want to dress im going insane he's my favorite kind of boy: guitar player, rock and indie fan, leather jackets, anger issues, homoerotic tension with men - if ray doesn't want him I'll keep him

NOOOO MEW NOT THE GLASSES

top fixing mew's glasses 😭 he's too fine to be such a scumbag

mew's prescription is -5.00, he's just like me fr

am i tripping or is mew now hyperaware of every time top talks to another man because he thinks that they're all ex-hookups or top might hook up with them after? like what was that look when the server gave top the bill?

IS THIS BITCH--? IS NICK CHANGING THE WAY HE DRESSES AND GOING TO THE GYM IN ORDER TO LOOK MORE LIKE TOP AND GET BOSTON'S ATTENTION????? BOY STAND UP PLEASE DONT BE LIKE TOP PLEASE

bostonnick in the pool just reminded me of that one kinnporsche pool scene im sorry i was hoping they would have sex in the pool

also -- diversity win! the lying backstabbing guy who is playing with your feelings and ruining his friendgroup believes in safe sex!

another thing that intrigues me: does boston even like his friends? cuz we've seen all four of them together and having fun, and they look to get along well if you ignore everything happening in the background, but individually? has boston hung out with or just simply had a normal convo with anyone? mew has with ray and cheum, and im starting to believe that boston hates mew for something that happened in the past or is really jealous, but does he hang out ray and cheum just one on one? because at this point it feels like the only person boston talks to is nick, which is.... idk I'm just so curious as to how the raymewbostoncheum friend group came to be

also the fact that he's not even interested in the hostel. the only people we've seen truly working on it are mew and cheum, mew possibly because if it fails he loses his place as top student, idk why but cheum is a business major so she probably has some vested interest in this project. i'm assuming ray is a buisness major because of his dad and even tho it's technically his project - as boston points out - i doubt he wants to work in that field

"I don't want to sleep around anymore. I want to have sex with someone I can talk to and be affectionate with" boston the word you are looking for is boyfriend. you want a boyfriend, and nick is right there (for some reason)

instead of being called only friends, this show should be called "getting cockblocked by all your friends" because this is getting ridiculous. first raysand, then raysand again, then bostonnick, and then raysand again

the way mew wants his friends to be in serious relationships is soo......cute, but also funny that he's over here rooting for his friends meanwhile he keeps top in a situationship like bestie look in the mirror

also i will chew on concrete if boston only dislikes mew because of top oh my god its never that serious over dick

ray please stop talking to that girl omg summer is too pretty to be involved in whatever the fuck you and your friends have going on, give her to me

that concert scene makes me miss brightwin idk

atp I'm gonna assume that every guy who looks at top has fucked him unless proven otherwise cuz this is getting ridiculous

ah fuck....mew has fallen for top..... but anyway this confirms mew is probs demiromantic and demisexual

not the debt collectors 😭 is it really a rich x poor storyline if there's no debt collectors?

sand's mom owns....the go go club....i'm.....oh my god thats why he was there in episode like 2

ray singing sand a love song for his birthday oh be still my beating heart

not mew calling boston to tell him that he's ready to have sex with top 😭 bestie i get that he's your friend with the most sexual experience and you dont want to tell ray cuz he had feelings for you but oh my god why did you tell ton??????

but also "I'm afraid if I don't have sex with Top he'll get bored of me" after seeing so many people check out Top that day.....Mew is finally at a point where he has romantic feelings for Top and its probably for the first time ever and he doesn't want to let him go so he'll have sex with him, he's so real honestly I relate to him a stupid amount

also...okay wait....so is the friendship between bostonmew one-sided or is top truly the reason why their friendship will crumble in the future? cuz mew calls boston about top for reassurance and boston reassures him for some reason....

out of context topmew is cute.....oh their break up is gonna be awful

their first time having sex was so sweet and tender but i know damn well this wont last

ray and his mommy issues back at it again

sand distracting ray from drinking more by sharing personal details about his life....oh......oh....

sand was named after the place his mom and dad had sex oh my god....

ray's mom 🤝 ray

suicidal and alcohol addicts

"Only Cockblocked By Your Friends" the series strikes again!!!

it just hit me that they're eating weed cookies.....

also... "sand, this isnt your usual stuff?" does this mean sand sold ton drugs before or....?

ray keeps saying he and sand aren't dating and its breaking both mine and sand's heart

bostonnick and raysand drinking and partying together doesnt sit right in my heart....somehow someone is gonna say something bad while high

"even if you really like ray, i doubt it would work out between you two" whelp there it is

boston for the love of god shut the fuck up so we can have happy raysand and topmew please stop telling everyone and their mother that ray is in love with mew so that he can move on oh my god please its only episode 5 i need some happy moments between the two couples a little longer please

why is ton airing out all of ray's dirty laundry why is he doing the things that he does he's so messy i love it

well......ray and boston are probably not friends anymore

boston is too fine to be acting like this

now that I'm thinking about it....were boston and ray ever friends or were they just in the same friend group? cuz back in like episode one he was the one who was supposed to take care of ray when he was drunk and didn't so, like....

that last scene with sandray is sad and all but I'm too distracted over the fact that they're sleeping without blankets covering them

WAS THAT RAYMEW FIGHTING IN THE PREVIEW NO I CAN TAKE EVERYTHING BUT RAYMEW FIGHTING STOP DONT DO THIS TO ME

[purplesurveys]

1895

How are you doing today? I think I'm doing okay. I felt terrible heading into the weekend and still feel it lingering to an extent, so I'm trying to recalibrate as much as I can because it's Monday again and I don't want to bring in my personal emotions to my work.

In any case, I'm still up (it's 12:40 AM) because Jin is going to be a torchbearer at the Olympics and he's slated to come on at ~2:30 AM hehe, so I'm using the waiting time as motivation to do some work early. I've already finished one Powerpoint I didn't need to do until Thursday, so I feel great about that!

What is the last song you listened to in a car? A Milli by Lil Wayne. It was on the radio and that particular station has a hip-hop and R&B lineup every Sunday, and they're usually able to kill it with the throwbacks.

Do you like prefer apple cider warm or cold? I've never tried that.

When did you last feel misunderstood? Friday.

Have you ever visited The Louvre or would you like to? I haven't, and I would like to.

Have you ever accidentally locked yourself out of your place of residence? Just once, and I was around 10. I had a roaming security guard help me back in.

Do you remember your favorite songs as a kid? I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend because it had profanity in it and 9 year old me used to get a crazy adrenaline rush from saying "motherfucking" whenever no one was there to hear.

Do you currently feel calm? Yes, and it's such a wonderful feeling to have. I wish I can feel calm all the time, haha.

When did you last lace up a pair of shoes? Today.

What’s your go to comfort meal? Spicy tuna salad.

Do you enjoy cloud watching? When I'm in the mood for it, which admittedly doesn't come up often. It's calming when I do it, though.

Do you currently have any candles lit? Nopes.

If applicable, what’s your favorite sports team?

How many cardigans do you own? I have one, which funnily enough has gone missing. I haven't seen it for a few weeks now, come to think of it...

How much is too much for clothes? Idk, it's subjective for me. I don't typically bat an eye at how much luxury clothes can cost because...idk like it's always been that way I guess. But, and this is just one of very many specific examples, if a brand is going for a tattered, grubby aesthetic and sells a worn-out looking shirt for thousands of dollars, that's when I start to kind of make fun of it and the people who buy it.

How soon do you normally decorate for holidays? We only ever decorate for Christmas, and in our case and because my family is Filipino, we usually have our tree up by early October.

Are there any important things happening this week? We're dropping my dad off at the airport on Friday and it fucking sucks but we gotta do it. 

Do you know anyone who is terrified of dogs? One of my uncles.

What scent was the last soap you used? Just normal soapy soap smell. No added scents to it.

How old were you when you made your first big purchase? I was 24 when I bought my phone. Important disclaimer: I did use my dad's credit card to do the initial payment but only because I don't have my own cc lol; but I paid back the amount the same day and paid for the subsequent installments.

What last made you angry? Being talked down to.

What’s a color you think is underrated? Olive green.

What are you usually doing when midnight comes around and you can’t sleep? I just put a video on and put my phone on low brightness and I can be knocked out in like 5-10 minutes.

What is your favorite way to eat rice? (white, steamed, fried, brown, sweetened…) Steamed, white. In every meal. Eating in Vietnam was such a struggle because it was so hard to find rice anywhere lol. We ended up getting Jollibee on Grabfood and even that was a challenge + culture shock because they also barely had rice in their menu.

What color is the top you’re wearing? Dark green.

When did you last laugh so hard you cried? This afternoon when I was playing card games with my relatives.

What’s your favorite horror movie? The Shining.

What’s your favorite and least favorite fast food restaurant? Favorite is KFC for making the best fried chicken ever. Least favorite, Chowking – I just find their food so blah. Super oily, and their branches are also notoriously gross and poorly maintained. I have yet to see a clean Chowking.

How many pictures can you see in the room you’re in? One – my photobooth photo with my sister when we were in Saigon.

When did you last sign your signature? Around a month ago for my driver's license renewal.

What cover do you think is better than the original song? This is saying it loosely, but I do tend to listen to BTS' cover of Yoongi's So Far Away more than the original. I just feel like it was made more special when the whole vocal line covered it. That said, I love that Jimin and Tae got to do the song for the live performances since their takes didn't make the cut for the studio version.

Are you currently listening to music? Well, yeah, the last question made me want to look for the vocal line's version of the song haha.

What is something you’ve been working on? Being the best leader I can be for my team.

What’s something that excites you about the future? Earning more money and traveling the world.

How often do you drink smoothies? Never.

What’s a TV show you have gotten into recently? Continued from Sunday. None. tbh. It's very rare for me to get into shows.

Have you ever had to have a tooth cut out? Nope.

When did you last rush for something? Last Friday when I left 10 minutes later than I should've.

How many blankets do you own? I think it's around 5.

Have you drank enough water today? Lots and lots of it.

Do you prefer apple pie or pecan pie? I've never had pecan, but I'd go with that as I don't like apples.

What color takes up most of your wardrobe? Blacks and whites.

What makes you feel alive? Crying.

Who is your last missed call from? Just my mom.

Do you have any unusual pet peeves? When people only message "hi" and will type their actual request only after you acknowledge. It's one of the most annoying things Ever and I'm having none of it, so I don't reply whenever that happens and just wait for them to either spit it out or never message again.

What is a food you think is nasty that most people enjoy? Fruits.

Would you rather never be sick again or be rich? I'd take the money.

Do you have a specialty dish that you’re really good at making? Haha, nope.

What video games did you play when you were growing up? Sims 2 is definitely high up on my list. I also played GTA III and San Andreas – did none of the missions; I just really liked the open world concept and spent the whole time driving and following traffic rules, lol. Mario Kart Wii, Super Smash Bros Brawl, and Warioware, too.

Are you good at making big decisions alone or do you tend to seek approval from others? I seek inputs, not approval – just for other perspectives. Otherwise the choice I make is usually what I want to go for or what I think would be best for me.

Does your town or city have good public transport, or is it easier to drive? Neither of those work out for us tbh. The public transport definitely sucks and will suck the soul out of you, but it's no better having your own car because so do 400,000 fucking people. It just sucks having to go anywhere here which is why I'm so grateful to still be WFH.

What was the last cocktail you drank? Ooh I can't remember the name or what was in it, but it was this quirky drink that was topped with some kind of matcha latte or something and it tasted really good!

Are you good at keeping running counts and tallies in your head? Usually yes, but just to be safe I like to keep my phone nearby so I can track there too.

Does your country have its own edition of Big Brother? It does.

How often do you take a nap during the day? Almost never these days.

What social media platforms do you use? Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.

Are there any foods you hate the smell of but like the taste, or vice versa? Longganisa smells really good but like 97% of time tastes like shit. I can't think of any example for the other way around.

Do you have a dishwasher? Not a thing here.

Who do you live with? Parents, siblings, two dogs and a cat.

Are you listening to anything right now? No.

What is one of your favourite sitcoms? Friends :)

Do you make to-do lists? I do.

If you could magically become fluent in any language, what would it be? Korean.

Have you ever tried vegan ice cream? I don't think so.

What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? Sis, siz, sizt, sissymae, mars, sissymars, mare, mum, ate, mima, mumsh, mumshie, mother, motherhood, sissycakes, marecakes...in the Philippines, you can make any word a pet name lmao. You can also make up words and make them a pet name hahaha.

What pet names do you like to be called? Any of the above is fine, hah.

What was the best concert you’ve ever seen? Paramore during their After Laughter tour, or Agust D!

Do you have any hobbies? Sure.

What is your favourite pasta shape? Fettuccine.

Have you ever developed your own film? I have not.

When was the last time you stayed in a hotel/motel and where was that? Tagaytay, around a month ago.

What breed was the last dog you saw? Beagle and Yorkie.

Do you watch the Super Bowl? Nope.

What’s your favourite Disney movie? Toy Story and Tangled.

What’s the most stressful job you’ve ever had? I've had just one so it wins by default.

What was the last text message you received? I don't know and please don't let me check, it's 100% related to work.

Should you be asleep right now? If so, go to bed! Little bit, yeah. Hahaha it's fine, I think I'll hold out for an hour or two more.

[rarepairnation]

I love your posts about Denethor and Faramir. I'm always glad to see someone who loves both him and Faramir and gets that Denethor being this hugely impressive tragic figure makes Faramir so much better and more interesting. The relationship between them is so complex and I love it so much. The film versions make me angry as well.

oh man thank you so much...i find it kinda crazy that you're saying this to me bc im pretty sure i have a bunch of posts from your denethor tag sitting around in my drafts so i can look back at them later. many days i feel very much like an Amateur Denethor Enjoyer but i am thrilled that me just kind of being unhinged on the dash has brought you joy. and get ready bc here i go again LOL

yeah exactly what you said...denethor's tragedy informs and is informed by faramir so so so much and it's just kind of wild to me that on the tragedy enjoyers website so many people refuse to see it. on the second-best enjoyers website...the guilt-and-despair enjoyers website...the "the unimaginable has happened and i AM going to kill people and then myself" enjoyers website...i could go on! he is literally doomed by the narrative and just goes well ok fuck you i WILL die at the end but it will NOT be in the way the narrative wants me to.

it is truly the relationship of all time. faramir does love his father and yet because of the strength of his principles he is genuinely incapable of showing it in a way that denethor can understand. and denethor loves him too but after a certain point just cannot show it anymore because duty has to take precedence. he's not allowed to give faramir any quarter even in private. and YES that includes anything that would resemble a normal emotion. ngl i wouldn't be surprised if that's the only way faramir is like. LETTING him communicate with him. like i feel like the final assault on osgiliath is not the first time faramir's taken the "if you want to get me to do something you ARE going to have to order me to do it" stance. and yet denethor tries. at the end he takes trying to an unhinged level. idk it often feels like even in the general fandom insistance on one-dimensionally dickish denethor there's somehow also a lack of understanding that it IS a toxic expression of love but that doesn't make it not love. like He's Not Winning Dad Of The Year that is not what we're saying at all. we're saying is "it was born of love. it was a terrible thing yet born of love." thats all! that's why it's so tragic because it's all about love!!! augh...

ok i don't typically put quotations from my own writing in like real posts but also ive been thinking about the faramir goes to rivendell au 24/7 and i just. HAVE to pull this line bc it kind of captures exactly how i feel about the denethor-and-faramir mutual Character Honing.

Yet he [Faramir] cannot deny that each of them sharpens himself upon the whetstone of the other, and it is a debt he loathes to owe and yet cannot hope to repay.

i mean.......like are you picking up what im putting down! like! AAA! both in-narrative and out of it they are always ALWAYS making each other better (or worse. but worse in a More Interesting Way) but AT WHAT COST!!! he loves his father he would not be the man he is today without his father both in a good and bad way he HATES that these two things are true. faramir and denethor are not foils they're parallels they build each other's characters up when you put them next to each other!! faramir is who denethor wouldve couldve been without the war!! hey hang on a second is denethor who faramir would've become if he were the lord steward during the war of the ring? (this is a little reductive i think faramir's susceptibility to despair is quite different to his father's. and i wonder how long his gentleness would've prevailed / worked side by side with his duty instead of being diametrically opposed to it. but anyway. well i'll be thinking about THAT for the rest of the night. i cannot start another au i cannot i cannot i cannot). anyway you can't get one of them without getting the other and that is all...

man i always say like oh don't get me started on movie faramir and denethor and then the don't think of an elephant effect GETS me and it gets me started. last night i genuinely said like "well i won't get into it" and then three hours later it was 2am and it was so very clear that i had Gotten Into It. i had to tell our other roommate like "tell me when ur going to bed i am talking about denethor and i will be yelling." my roommate just came home and i told her about this post and then i had to explain a detail and she SET ME A THREE MINUTE TIMER bc she was like i have to go study. and that's fair

anyway i hope you are having a good night/day/whatever time it is for you. thank you for this ask it is always fun to see you pop up in my notifs whenever im denethorposting lol

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

Lowkey, I find it crazy how my brain works now.

In the past I'd be terrified of my abusers name or presence, now I can say his name freely and him being around still gets me all shaky, but I can still function almost perfectly.

I haven't seen him for a while, bur I feel like if push came to shove, I'd be ok around him again

Sometimes I picture nyself being friends with him again. What would he be like now? Would he treat me like an actual person and be an honestly good person, or would he still treat me like utter shit and sexualize me? I wonder that often.

One of my friends have been getting a lot of guys getting crushes on her, and this is what triggered me to have these thoughts.

Without my wife to kinda keep me grounded, I've been just lost in thought.

I'm scared of when he sees me again, what he'll say or do.

I'm in my glow up Era rn because I'm getting my shit together, and I'm scared in all honesty.

But, sometimes I wish I wasn't getting better. Like, I'm getting better right, haven't have an episode in weeks, but sometimes a trigger comes in.

I still don't like touch. Sometimes my friends grab me and my fight or flight response kicks in and I fucking grab their thoughts. This happens when someone touchs my legs, arms, shoulders, or just anywhere under my neck. One of my friends likes to touch the back out my neck because I'm super sensitive there and if someone touched me there I shoot up like a rocket. I'm fine with that because I find it funny.

I remember when a new kid in my class grabbed my chin unprovoked. Mentally I was ok, but my eyes started water and I was shaking like crazy. Mentally I was normal, but my body was shaky and terrified.

There's also one thing I've noticed about my crush.

He's Dominican. He reminds me a lot of my abuser, not in looks tho, in the way he presents himself. His resting face I'd so similar to his that it's terrifying. Like it's a pissed off numb face, but his smile is what makes me like him so much. It contradicts the reminder of my abuser and I feel fine again.

Mentally I've been a lot happier, but my temper and emotions have been everywhere.

Im a lot more moody and easier to piss off, and a lot more intrusive and going back to old habits.

I've noticed that I've been aexualizing myself a lot more recently. Idk if it's a confidence boost in my appearance or what but it's mostly when I'm alone.

but overall life has been moody. It's mostly my mind contradicting it's self.

Like, my scars have completely faded and I miss them because I felt like it made me prettier, and I feel incomplete without them.

And then my classmates and old volleyball teammates are all fucking annoying. And then random niggas I don’t know are getting on my nerves.

Sometimes I wish I could go back, but Sometimes I wish I could stay. Contradiction this, Contradiction that.

I want something bad to happen to me, or least remember my trauma. I only remember snippets of what happened between me and my abuser, but I'm 95% sure he never like, SA'ed me or anything. But, my reactions stuff, especially sexual shit, I don't think it's only him, something else had to happen.

I have a guess, two actually. One of them is definitely not true because, no.

But, I have a really vague memory from when I was little, before I met my abuser.

I think it was 2nd grade, and a family member from my mom's side picked me up. I don't remember if it was a dream or reality.

All I remember after that though was my parents being fucking pissed at him, and my mom telling me that if he ever came to pick me up, don't go with him.

And my dad was pissed at him for years. Even saying to never let him in our house, even after he died.

Just, so much confusion and so little conformation.

I have memories of me being picked up from my bed and being taken to lord knows where. Memories from a house my parents had when I was a little babu.

I just. I just wanna remember the full picture.

[hesitationss]

i hate feeling like my only purpose in life is to get married to a man and have kids i don't even want kids in general and we live in a super patriarchal society and my house like many houses is super chaivanistic despite being raised in a single parent household. everyone is obsessed with me getting a boyfriend, my mom doesn't even like me unless it's to set me up w a boyfriend because i'm too weird and not normal and also have a lot of behavioural problems because i'm my family's scapegoat. and apparently getting a bf would make me normal and 'set me straight'. sometimes i don't even know if i'm bisexual or a lesbian because it's really hard to tell if my disinterest in a lot of dudes is because a lot of mother's treat their daughters as broodmares outside of serving men. like i frequently have to ask her why she hates women. and she frequently refers to me as the fat ugly daughter when i'm not around. and would imply i was a slut or whore or whatever when i was a kid because i would get to hang out w my dad sometimes who is also not a good parent. also said i lie and beg men for attention because i'm a csa survivor and also says that my cousin is difficult cuz my dad beat him up when he was like 8 and stuff. sometimes i wish i had my cousins parents as parents because they actually defend him and stuff idk wouldn't it be nice to have parents who see you as people and support you or take in interest in you bcuz they like you? it's also crazy that she doesn't like how i look. like her and my dad have been telling me i've been ugly and fat and nobody likes me and wants to be my friend and i'm better off not trying to even look nice for myself. like maybe if i wasn't experiencing child abuse i would care my about maintaining my appearance. and then when i relapse into maladaptive/self harming behavior because she is reminding me that she only likes me if i'm well enough for a man to find attractive so i start being like 'maybe i should kms instead' she's like 'wow you have so many problems, do you know what would fix you? getting a boyfriend. having a boyfriend will make you normal'.... also my siblings bully me too, it was way worse when i was a teenager but they would also blame me for when our mom would start beating my ass i have a hard time experiencing any caring emotion for them... being a middle child and also a scapegoat and also queer and also having many ACEs and also the eldest daughter of an immigrant household or whatever the fuck the saying is is so lonely and difficult. this also why i've never have fun when i have sex and can't date like a normal person but that is another issue.. it feels like my whole family is saying things in my head when i try to have normal connections with other people. anyway i don't want kids and my family is mean to me and everyone thinks i'm fucked up for not having a boyfriend. also when i did try to date people in highschool my mom when say i shouldn't have one because people don't like me much. but also idc what she says it's just emotionally taxing to hear all the time. like my life is literally so uncentered around men and they don't influence my decision making or choices at all. in fact if i am is in front of me or speaking to me i may start acting rude and emasculate them on instinct. anyways if i start killing people it's literally my human right... meow meow meow meow meow etc.

[john-bitchester]

Okay, 06×10 yet another episode that I needed TWO HOURS to ge through, bc man. All the thoughts.

Trigger warning for discussion of rape

I lowkey forgot about Samuel and the teenwolfification of this season and I really went 'ieuw' out loud

(Teenwolfification: 'look at this crazy wild unheard of creature that is done super badly! (The superior TM creature alphas)

I read a phonesex destiel fic recently and Crowley was a phone sex operator too, and honestly, I would call both those men (though it's sex-centered, to me it didn’t read like porn in the same way. But it was really really good)

They have excellent voices

Cas and Crowls that is

Tbh fresh post-hell Dean too

I think I am discovering things about myself here

(Deep grovely voices hello)

Spn is really making me realise things

Gunplay/gunkink, a thing for deep grovely voices, obsessed with all the dads (dad, daddy and papa (john, crowley and bobby)

Eyo wtf

The way I was too distracted by Crowleys voice that I didn't even notice at first

Is iridium real

Yes it is, Number 77

I just realised

Crowley is always the same guy (please stay the same actor, he is too good)

Does that mean he just never goes back to hell

A BABYPHONE?!

Oh my god Crowley truly actually is a daddy

This is our second proof

NO

IM ATTACHED

HOW DARE YOU

YOU SHAPESHIFTER SCUM

FUCK YOU

I DESERVE MORE CROWLEY

NO

Im sorry Dean what do you mean 'now I need a daily rape shower'

Dean what does that mean

You need a dialy shower to deal with the trauma of being raped in hell??

Or what???

Okay no im fully going with this

In the last episode we discover (or I at least theorised) dean got raped in hell

If someone touches you without consent, it feels nasty, makes your skin crawl, you want to wash it off

So what if the extend and extremes to whicj they are hunting now are just triggering dean over and over again to hell, making him need a shower to process his trauma and 'feel clean again' after what was done to him, and the memories their daily Alpha encounter/demon encounter unearths

Help I can never look at Deans 1911 normal again

The gunplay fics have officially taken root in my brain

Okay nope

Its official

Look at his face

The fear in his voice

[Okay, officially over the foreplay, satisfy me or I please myself]

[Something funny, Sam? - Yeah - Cuz from where I'm sitting-]

Dean winchester is ‐scared-

He got raped in hell no question

I am unwell and not in the funny way

[You gonna untie us? - please, don't pretend you don't enjoy it.]

I genuinely needed a sec after this

The dead look in deans eyes holy fuck

Great acting

But shit it breaks my heart

[If you don't help us, I will hunt you down and kill you. - Will you, boy?]

I am unwell in the funny way again

Cass feels so wrong

I hate it

Like I know he used the excuse of 'I got de-emotioned again and I acted the way I did bc I was rebelling'

But you can't tell me they can just. De-emotion the angels

Bc then they would do that with all the rebels

I dont get it

I'd say 'wouldnt it be cool if cass was also soulless, but idk if angels have souls

My friend bunbun texts: It's also a widely accepted headcanon that Sam got raped in the cage

Oh ny god hello

OH MY GOD

YOU CANT JUST DROP SOMRTHING LIKE THAT ON A GAL

Okay but where does this come from

I literally straight up keep forgetting Ruby betrayed Sam

What happens to Jimmy when Cas is upstairs

Like does he need the body in heaven also

I do like how Sam says 'Raphael' it's like. 'Rafaël'

Jesus Ill never get thru this episode. Im 11 minutes in and have been watching it for 45 minutes

You have to be SHITTING me

How can I have so many thoughts on 10 minutes of food

On the whole "Theres something wrong with cass' thing

He helped Dean figure out what was wrong with sam. Cared enough to do that

But he isnt helping with fixing it? The literal angel who build a guy up again atom per atom???

So what if this is another angel game? What if Cass doesnt want Sam to regain his soul, for some big angel plan TM

Bc after all, the heavens can't win if Mickey is locked down

Mary???

Does daddy have her locked up in hell or smt?

Istg if Mary gets brought back I will riot

STOP BEING COWARDS

KILL EM

KILL EM ALL

LET THEM REMAIN DEAD FOREVER AND EVER

[Crowley's gonna bring mom back? - You tell me you don't want her back.]

THATS EXACTLY WHAT IM TELLIN YA

Dean you are so sexy when you are righteously angry

Could pin me to a wall with that stare

I just know my girl Mary wouldn't forgive Samuel for bringing her back from the dead instead of getting her sons soul back

Okay this is a two parter. Pt two up soon

[nathank77]

9/27/24

9:35 p.m

I feel bad for even thinking I want to laugh about her bed. I think I'm going crazy. Not really but sorta if that makes sense...

Like there is actually dried up poop everywhere. It is visible. I'd post a video but I need to get ready for bed. There is actually dried up poop everywhere in the house. The house actually smells like shit.

I've been "coping," with insurmountable ocd all day everyday since last Saturday... I haven't been able to think about myself or carry out my normal routine.

My mother has a huge mass... and has a huge infection. Ever since she went to the hospital the dogs happiness rests on me almost entirely. And I love the dog. I care about her. I want her to be happy.

My ocd is crippling. I realize I've lost control of everything... I can't control the dried up poop. I can't do my normal routine bc I'm always washing my hands. Always worrying about poison ivy. I realize I've tracked shit all over the house. I realize that poison ivy could be everywhere or no where.

I don't want to give up Riley. I want to keep her but she's too much work for me. I would have never taken her.

I feel like when someone goes gows crazy they laugh like a lunatic but I'm not laughing. But that's the way I feel about my mother and Riley right now. I want to cry bc what if it's cancer? I know why she wanted her. I get it. I totally get it. But I mean she went against my advice. Got this puppy and I knew we couldn't give her the life she deserves.

I'm actually crying on the inside and really happy I have a lock on my door bc it would have been my bed and I would have just committed suicide. I'm not joking. I'd just kill myself. It's too much to bare.

My mother doesn't have the money to take care of Riley. She hardly eats for christ sake. Sometimes she asks for what's left of my chicken. And I mean I say what left cause I take everything except the legs and I take some of that meat and she eats it like she's an animal. I come back to just bones.

She wants to buy pee pee pads and cleaning stuff and treats and whatever. She wants to get air freshener. And I'm like it might be cancer you have no money to even eat and I know you want companionship but if you'd sober up I'd hang out with you.

Shes talking about quiting drinking... but I'll never get excited about that.

I'm just an emotional wreck. The dog is like hell and therapy at the sametime. Without my mother it's like I'm a single dad with no money and excess disabilities...

My disability is real. I wish it wasn't cause I mean my life would be so much easier. I'm freaking out about my mom. I'm going to have to ride her ass when she gets out of the hospital to schedule an mri.... cause that's the next step for the mass... I need to schedule my own mri... I got to schedule her an eye exam bc she can't fucking see anything... I got to schedule her a primary care Dr bc hers looks at her like she's a POS. Some Dr's look down at addicts and I believe her. She's on like no medications.... like nothing when I viewed her mychart...

Like vitamins...and she has crohns and all kinds of problems.

Idk I'm going crazy over here and I got to focus on me too. Riley makes that hard. My disabilities make that hard.

Idk... I just can't cope.

[faerise-fae]

ASPD girlie here.

I've tried telling people from the start that im diagnosed for them to be at least aware. Doesn't end well. I've had some men take it as challenge thinking they can change me and some cool potential friends thinking everything i tell them is a lie or manipulation to get something out of them. But most of the time people just don't take it seriously bc they think I'm trying to be edgy.

Now I only tell about my aspd to people irl when I want our relationship to be more "fair". "Fair" because I still lie and stuff but at least they are have more chances at "beating" me in this game, lmao. Because the thing is I can't take seriously 98% of people around me. They are less than me ofc but they are also fun in the way puppies or kittens are but nothing more. I don't consider them equal to me in any way. I still have relationships with them I find them funny and i want them to like me. I have no fucking idea why but I value the most people who make me laugh.

Rn i have one close friend who knows about this and i try to be honest with her. I lie and then tell her sorry i lied and she just looks at me with such understanding in her eyes. I adore her the most of everyone and that makes her special. Not equal but special. She's my favorite person in the world rn and im kinda obsessed with her. Our relationship started with platonic version of love bombing and idk I just never stopped it. I dont do it because i feel love but because she feels loved that way and i want her to stay. I adore her but again i wouldn't consider her my equal. I think she's naive, that her love life is a fucking catastrophe and that shes dumb. But i still adore her. Not like a kitten but not like a person either. She makes me laugh so much tho!!! And shes so kind and understanding. I like her a lot but I do not respect her.

There was only one person who I consider equal to be and thats because she found out that theres something wrong with me and my empathy. She was the one who gave me an idea to even try and get myself diagnosed. I consider her equal and i still respect her a lot even if we don't talk anymore and she was so fucking awful to me last time we talked. But I understand why she was like this and i respect that too. I

Idk I'm not the most sane person in the room but I'm not this crazy violent joker wannabe with knife in my pocket waiting for people in dark alley. My empathy is not instinct based but more knowledge? I love reading character studies and literature focused on emotion to understand it. I kinda crave it tbh. Don't get me wrong I think of my aspd as a literal blessing. I really really like myself and i wouldn't change a thing. I can't imagine being able to feel full range and intensity of emotion everyone "normal" feel. I'd go insane probably because the stuff i hear from friends and from people in general sound so fucking miserable. I've saved myself the trouble. But I still crave connection and being understood. Which probably is not gonna happen and I can live with it. I just grieve it from time to time.

Idk I'm not good person (even tho my favorite person would argue here because "im good to her so im good person" lmao) and I really dont like when people say that aspd doesn't make you bad person. Maybe you aren't the bitch with aspd/npd thats a bad person but I am. Because I know im a bad person on the inside. I just sometimes choose to act like a good person. And that balances itself out. I know I'm kinda "evil" but my friends think of me as a good friend. I know i dont feel love but my favorite person feels loved by me and thats enough for me. My grandparents absolutely adore me, my dad loves me and my little sister and niece look at me like I'm a god. I worked hard for those relationships and i deserve them and everything that comes with them (money, gifts, compliments and respect). I like being liked and I won't be liked by doing shitty things to others. So I don't. Because that's not the outcome I want.

Thats how it works in my head. Idk if it helped you understand aspd bc I'm kinda a special case. Most aspd bitches have this "hate other people and the world is doomed" thing which I don't. I really like other people, they are funny and amusing af in a positive way. And thats really important to me.

A genuine question for people with ASPD or/and NPD

People with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) or/and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), I am genuinely curious about what you believe is the core part of aspd and npd, and how you see the world. How does it feel to have these disorders? How do people treat you? How do you treat people? How can one understand how it must be like for you?

These disorders are VERY stigmatised. Even actual medical journals and sites perpetuate this stigmatisation, and there's this whole thing of "narcissistic abuse" or that all people with antisocial personality disorder are serial killers. I simply refuse to believe this, it's not nuanced enough, and I genuinely seek to understand. And maybe other people may find this thread of posts and also understand.

So people with npd/aspd, add on, explain anything you wish people knew about your disorder.

Coming from a fellow person with a highly stigmatised disorder (schizophrenia) who wishes to understand.

[starlightkun]

lmao i saw this on my dash and was wondering if you felt this way

https://www.tumblr.com/16woodsequ/727490027584667648?source=share

cause you rarely write drabbles, everything you write is like full fic length and takes longer and i see you posting little progress updates and little notes about each fic without spoiling. as someone who likes to talk (may or may not be the adhd idk) i cant imagine being in your position like WEREWOLF SUNGCHAN! EXISTS! IN MY MIND! AND ON THIS DOCUMENT THAT YOU CANT SEE! BUT HE'S REAL!! HE'S REAL TO ME!! like how do you do it? having no one to scream to about your fics when you're writing? and having to wait until its completed and uploaded to have people to talk about it with? like especially with all the crack fics you're writing atm, i would be BURNING with the need to show people how funny your writing is

p.s. medication update: im going to switch from methylphenidate to dexamphetamine tmr because apparently im intolerant to ritalin and i think you're on dexamphetamine rn? im hoping that i see some benefits from it. btw your success is keeping some of my spirit and motivation up despite how abysmal ritalin was for me so thank you for posting about how Adderall was for you i really appreciate having someone experiencing meds alongside me 🫶🏻

-✨anon

link

LMAO sometimes that's me and sometimes i'm writing and i'm like "im never letting another living human see this abomination im writing rn this is the worst thing i've ever written and the only penance for what i've done is to throw myself off a cliffside" like there is no in between im either SO EXCITED FOR IT AND ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT AND AM SO AKSEGKJHKJGKTR or i think it's awful and consider deleting it almost immediately after like this scene for changer2 im writing rn like literally as i got this ask (im not gonna delete it but she is gonna b HEAVILY EDITED)

it's fr so hard having werewolf sungchan AND hockey player sungchan BOTH IN MY MIND RN LIKE 🤪 screams everyday i put on my uniform to go fight in the idgaf war on the side of gaf 🫡🫡🤪🤪🫡🤪🫡🤪🤪🤣🤣🫡🤪🤪🫡 lest we also not forget that single dad kun is in here too and some other fellas that yall dont know abt like its soooooo bad in here for me

sometimes i contemplate posting random one-liners or snippets when i write things that make me teehee extra hard or r like rlly 🔥🔥🚨🚨🚨 but i always get worried about spoilers versus teasers soooo i keep it locked away all to myself and maybe go a lil crazy idk who's to say so i do more vague type stuff like talking about how there's a 2.6k makeout scene without posting any actual lines from it, or saying that one of my favorite character bits that i think is genuinely super funny is in dr. magic but not saying what it is, etc., etc., OR also doing ask games like word in a wip where y'all can try to get some lil snippets from me (which i feel i am always very generous with lol)

p.s. to ur p.s.: very happy to hear that you're getting switched off the meds that weren't working for you! i'm on "amphetamine salts" (generic adderall) which is a combo of dextroamphetamine and levoamphetamine, but pretty much yeah it's the big one in the amphetamine class of adhd meds. it has a sightly different effect than dextroamphetamine alone since it has levoamphetamine as well, which lasts longer and can produce better results in some people (pls go w ur dr on this im not giving medical advice omg just what i learned in my psych classes and the information i've been given). i actually just saw my dr today to check in on how i was doing on the adderall (reg check-up appt). i was rlly worried bc the initial good results i saw in the first days were practically gone after like the first week and i was practically back to normal (i.e., bad. my kitchen is a fucking mess again) and when i told him that he was like "lol that's fine! that was just the trial dose! so we can up you to a normal dose now since you saw good results at first" so hopefully i'll be functioning again 👍 so i love this for us 🫶 rooting for us 🫶🫶

[gaonsbedroomeyes]

Why am I literally so happy that Kinn is the middle child?? And suddenly all the responsibilities and normalcy have passed onto his shoulders even though he's secretly just as unhinged? he just knows how to hide it better and like also be the diplomat

anyway I feel so seen hahahaha

i feel like we're getting a lot more than we're ready for with kinn tbh. the first episode told me he was very smart in his line of work and knew how to go about handling things even in the midst of chaos, but it didn't tell me that he possessed the skill set episode 2 paints out.

but it honestly balances perfectly, because you think porsche is going to drive kinn crazy and kinn is just going to be forced to roll with it since his dad insisted upon having porsche as his bodyguard. nope, you get kinn calling him out regularly. the drink, and then the conversation after porsche is forced to wear a mermaid suit, and good freakin god, the scene where porsche was slapping around some kid without realizing who they were and wound up with guns pointed at him. kinn not only laid him the fuck out, but saved his life in doing so.

i haven't read the novel, and i'm not familiar with any of the content in it, but from the perspective of someone watching the show, i am beside myself excited for the back-and-forth that's going to happen between them. the enemies to lovers trope is so good, and this drama is nailing it. the comic relief, the drama, the boldness between both of them (and frankly big too, he's great i love him)...ugh i could go on forever.

oh shit i rambled. but i am right there with you anon--kinn being the middle child is somehow so perfect. everyone says he's the most normal one in the family, but normal is such a cautious term i think when it comes to that family in general. kinn knows when to play and when to get serious, but he also knows how to tear into someone if they're pissing him off or getting in his way.

i definitely agree with you that kinn is unhinged, and i am so ready to see more of it. that man has me so much eyes emoji that i cannot deal jalsdjflaksdj

but i will say he was right in what he did. porsche was being downright obnoxious and needed his ass handed to him lmfao. i think that's kind of part of their dynamic--porsche isn't there because he wants to be, so he's making it clear he isn't just going to be some mindless bodyguard. kinn, on the other hand, has shit to do and didn't ask for this, so he's going to find a way to keep it under control.

it has me bouncing up and down in anticipation for whenever the enemies part starts shifting toward lovers. when porsche passing out on kinn's chest drunkenly is less 'dear god get him off me' and more 'okay i'mma pet your hair a little AND THEN GET HIM OFF ME'

idk if my novel length reply conveyed it or not but i am so frickin excited, and it's so good to get anons from people who get it!

[friendodorothys]

tired of the dancing around the Spain rumors. some people are still obviously assuming that straightness is the default, but also the most respectful thing, which is like. speculation is fun but I don't think people like John need a defense, imagine trying to defend someone so obviously curious about the community. it drives me crazy that straight people are like 'people say they had SEX but I highly doubt it' or they're just like 'lol unreliable source this is just heresay' and I'm like. Babe. It's all heresay really, we're not them. You want to be an ally yet you diminish being gay to being only about sex yet being so repulsed by the notion that a man you like as a person could idk. want to interact with another person that way. Personally I'm gay and I don't care what happened, it's all the nonsense that blows it up into a 'were they?' like bruh. why are you so worried. can you not just go 'hey John and Brian went on a trip together and it's cool that John wasn't stopped by potential rumors, hope they had a good time' like. Idc why they went, Brian and John having a good trip is what matters to me, I hope they had fun and yes! I hope Brian was comfortable enough about himself around John and I hope John was comfortable enough to ask questions or make Brian feel accepted. Like I hope it was the chillest trip for them. You can make it about 'gay sex rumors between manager and BeAtle' but in my heart they had fun and got to relax and enjoy their destination. But in case you think I'm saying nothing happened, I think gay people need to share opinions based on vibes and not elaborate bc you people cannot be normal no matter what. Anyways some of those interviewers were so flirty. I just know they were feelin way too much to be so close to those boys. Can't believe they caused sexuality crises in the hearts (and pants) of middle-aged married men everywhere. Dads didn't want their kids to like The Beatles because they couldn't handle the complex emotions they had when they sang on the same mic. 'Turn that damn thing off' they wanted to fuck them so bad. <3