#like id never be able to get it anywhere else if i didnt follow her out of the room

[tidepoolalgae]

.

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine

[worminstuff]

The Balcony of the Treehouse pt.7

sleepy bois x reader au

no warnings:)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brisk air sent shivers down Technos arm as he stood on the balcony. Hed been standing there since he got the text from Y/n she was on her way back. His fingers were tapping the railing of the balcony impatiently.

Hes been patient, and hes hated every moment of it.

While she was gone, he paced for a while thinking of her. The he sat down staring at the ceiling, thinking of her, and then he paced some more, and thought some more. He did nothing really.

The whole five ish hours.

Five.

The entire five hours he was hyper analyzing every moment Y/n and wilbur had been together around him trying to think if she liked him or not.

He couldnt figure it out, because of his horrid memory but he definitely tried.

He wasnt sure how hed act if he had to see her with him. All the time. He didnt want her to be with him.

Techno was well aware he liked to ignore his feelings, especially when it involved the possibility of hurting his relationship with Y/n. But there was absolutely no way hed be able to stomach the idea of Y/n being with Wilbur in that way.

His stomach felt heavy as he heard Wilbur’s car pull into the driveway, and he anxiously waited to see Y/n make her way to the backyard.

Once he could see her, he smiled softly as she grinned up at him. He went back into the treehouse as she was making her way up.

“Techno!” Y/n burst into the room excitedly, quickly hugging Techno.

“Hey.” he gave a soft chuckle, returning the hug. “How was it? Did you have fun? Were they nice?” he questioned.

“It was so so so much fun!” Y/n pulled back to grin up at him.

“It was?” Techno was trying to sound happy that she had fun but he wasn't. He was hoping it was bad or awkward so she wouldn’t go again. Which now that he thought of it is really selfish..

She stared at him a moment, confused at why he sounded disappointed.

“Yeah..why do you look sad?” her head tilted in question.

He stared down at her, his gaze was soft but his frown was prominent. He traced her features with his eyes before he slowly pulled her to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, hugging her tightly. His cheek was pressed against the top of her head.

Y/n slowly wrapped her arms around his middle, “Techno-”

“Shh just...Just shut up.” he murmured.

They stayed this way for a little while. The cold dewy night air clinging to their clothes and hair. Techno didn't want to ask her what she did or if they were nice, he didn't want to know any more about all the fun she had with wilbur.

“Can we go sit down?” Techno murmured into her hair.

Y/n pulled away from his chest to look up at him, she gave him a nod.

Reluctantly he let go of her and let her pull him into the treehouse to sit on the floor with him. He watched her sit then gesture to the spot in front of her. He pouted more, wanting to sit closer than that. Y/n noticed his expression and her shoulders fell, she sighed and opened her arms to him.

Techno slowly got to the floor and curled up in front of her with his head on her leg.

“I kinda missed you..” his tone was soft and he sounded almost hurt.

“Really?...” her hand was brushing his hair away from his forehead.

He waited a moment before he replied, “I was worried.”

“Why?” her hand was soft against his hair, he could tell she was trying to be extra gentle.

“Well you.. I didn't know what you were doing and…” he stumbled over his words. Techno hated vulnerability. He couldn't stand feeling weak.

He wasn’t one to talk of his feelings often, even with Y/n. He just wasnt good at it and he never felt the need to.

“And?” she murmured.

“I dunno…” he tried to shrug off the hint of a lie hidden in his tone. He avoided her gaze, he could tell he was worrying her and he hated to ruin her happy mood.

“Why are you so upset..” she wasn’t trying to pry or push him but she wanted to know why he was so upset.

Techno sat up straight to look at her. His eyes were soft but brave as if he were mentally trying to work himself up to say something.

“You were with Wilbur.” he had a childlike pout on his face.

“And?” she poked his leg and he grabbed her finger, holding it.

“Alone with Wilbur.” he stared at her hand, messing with a ring she was wearing on her pointer finger.

“I'm still not getting the point here..” Y/n kept her eyes on his even though he wasn't looking at her.

“Y/n..” he finally looked up at her. He was ashamed. He didn’t want to say it.

“Techno.”

“Please dont make me say it..” he was wincing slightly, holding her hand fully now.

“Say what Techno?” she slid her thumb over the back of his hand.

“I love you.” it was rushed and he instantly regretted it.

“I love you too but- whats that got to do with anything?” she tilted her head as Techno sighed and looked towards their hands again.

“I-.. nevermind.” of course she just thought he was saying it in a friend way! They do it all the time. He felt like an idiot.

“No id like to talk about this please.” she squeezed his hand.

“I just..Y/n..I love you more..Than just in a friend way.” his eyes were back on her, but he was looking at her brows, her nose, her cheeks. Anywhere but her eyes.

“Oh…” she said softly.

“Oh?..” he raised his brows.

“My statement still stands. I love you too.” she pulled apart their hands, moving his fingers around with hers. His heart swelled and he grinned. She barely said anything and his whole mood was flipped.

“Like?...” he leaned forward a bit, teasingly almost. Hearing her say it filled his ego and gave him some confidence. He wanted all of her praise and compliments.

“Yes Techno. Gosh you're dense.” she scoffed.

“How am I dense?!” he exclaimed, Him? Dense?

“Techno I..you..we kissed? And you- I-” she stuttered, a soft blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Oh right..” his soft smile was causing a similar one on Y/ns face as he stared at her for a moment.

“Yeah! Right!” she scoffed, a small airy laugh following.

Techno shook his head looking down, then back at her.

He felt happy and calm, but still nervous. There was a whole new air around them. Completely different. It was still comfortable and homey, but it was different.

“I know I’ve asked you this before..but I want to ask again.” he pulled her a tad closer.

She gave a soft nod as a response.

“Actually, come with me.” Techno stood, an arm extended down to her. She took his hand allowing him to pull her up. She was going to let go of her hand but he held hers tightly.

He pulled her out of the little door of the treehouse, and onto the balcony.

He pulled her to face him, only inches in front of him.

Y/n looked up, the clear sky full of stars above them.

Techno put his pointer and thumb on her chin, pulling it down to look at him.

“Hi.” she said softly, a nervous look in her eyes.

“Hi y/n..” he smiled softly, his heart melted at her mooney eyes.

“So you have a question?..” her small hand made its way to his forearm as his hand slid to her cheek. Not to pull his arm away, to hold it closer actually.

“I do..” he sighed softly before continuing, “You said you were before, but this time I really mean it when I ask,” he paused as he stared at her rosy cheeks under the moonlight.

“Are you mine?” his tone was soft but his words struck her deeply.

Her face felt warm and her brain felt almost fuzzy, his face was so close to hers.

She gave a small nod before she lunged forward a bit, taking him off guard as she pressed her lips to his.

His free arm wrapped around her middle as he hugged her to him.

There were no cliche sparks, but the kiss was somehow soft and sweet. He was surprised shed kissed him, but he wasnt complaining.

There was nothing steamy about the kiss, they simply held eachother, and they were gentle.

Techno was the first to pull away, his thumb brushing her strawberry tinted cheek softly.

He could faintly see the reflection of the stars in her eyes as she looked up at him, neither smiled nor laughed. But they didnt need to. They didnt need to express largely how ecstatic they both were to have expressed their shared feelings, they already knew.

Techno could tell by the slight jitter in her hands, and the way she was patiently waiting for him to say something first before she exploded or something. He was sure she was going to talk his ear off about it soon enough.

He just wanted to stare at her a little longer.

He felt so whole in that moment. He didn’t want or need anything else.

Just her, him, and the balcony of the treehouse.

[seijorhi]

asks :))

what i have learned today is that y’all wanna get fucked by some monsters...

What does nostos mean? What language is it in? 🤔 also I of course loved it, mind blown as usual queen

it’s ancient greek! it means homecoming, the idea of a triumphant return home for the hero after a long journey. i found it through looking at the root of nostalgia. in this fic of course it’s kind of a grim tongue in cheek play on it. the reader’s coming back to the mountains, but she’s running away after a bad breakup, and the welcome she gets is... shall we say less than ideal haha

Just read nostos-

First of all as a person who reads monster shit- hell ya. Mhm. That’s some good shit right there. That was DELICIOUS horror. It actually had me a bit nervous and afraid to read what was gonna happen next 😳

Secondly- omg I wanna know what happened next (at the end) 👀 know what I mean??? 😼

ANYWAY AS ALWAYS you never disappoint and your writing is fantastic (if/when you write horror yandere stuff again I’ll be there- frothing at the mouth. A+++++ work ILY💖)

you want me to write the monster porn, just say it bby ghfjdkshgfjkd but ty

Omfg that fic was so good!

Did the readers mom know about monster kuroo?? Or was she just worried because of the previous murder? And did Kuroo somehow manipulate reader into coming back to the forest or was it just a big coincidence? (👁👄👁 there's no such thing as a coincidence)

Looking forward to your future work <3

ty nonnie!! i didn’t have the right space for it, but after kohsuke was ripped apart and eaten kuroo stayed by the reader’s side until late in the night, only disappearing when he heard the reader’s parents/search party approaching. they found her lying in pools of blood (and scattered half eaten body parts), shaking and unresponsive �� they knew no animal could’ve done something like that. so they knew something lurked in those woods, but considering the reader had repressed the memories, her mom couldn’t just come out and say it <33

You are an AMAZING horror writer!!!

The uneasiness I got from the conversations with the mom is just *chefs kiss*

A+++++

ahh thank you!! horror is such a hard genre to write because i’m never sure if the suspense and everything’s gonna hit right haha

I read Nostos before going to sleep last night and at the time I was like “sure hope this doesn’t give me nightmares” and thankfully it didn’t lol. But I think I’m willing to take that chance again because it’s so GOOD and I think I’m just going to have to relive it – @ohno-otome

fhdjgbfhjkdfn i’m glad it didn’t give you nightmares bby!! but i also appreciate that haha, i’m an absolute wimp with scary movies and stuff but i just can’t stop watching them haha

I just wanna say that I was listening to "You're a psychotic villain playlist" on youtube while reading Kuroo's oneshot and I can't explain the emotions I felt, but I'd let Kuroo do things to me asdfghjkl – @itishebihime-samaforyou

ooh nice! sometimes the right playlist makes things doubly as fun haha

OH MY GOD!?!?! Nostos was soooo GOOD?!?!? Like it was so creepy (but in a good way), and scary and suspenseful!! And the ending!?!? Omggg honestly one my fav fics from you!! You did my mans Kuroo justice 🥺💖💕

TYYYYYYY i was genuinely concerned i was gonna scare everybody off haha

Ah! The new fic! Chiefs kiss! Magnificent! Bravo!🧚‍♀️✨🧞‍♀️🦖🦭🌹💫

tysm nonnie!!! <33

i’m pretty sure i’m in the same/similar timezone as you? and i do be staying up late to be one of the first to read your fics (i usually stay up late anyways). so imagine my surprise when i see you post in the afternoon. in conclusion, whether you post to align with your european and american readers’ timezone, my gmt+10 arse will still be one of the first to read your fics. also nostos sjdufigyyjf i have to admit, i recently just found out about monster fucking and nostos scratched the itch😫 i feel bad for kohsuke though

bby i always post at like 2-4 in the morning please get some sleep!! the fics will be there in the morning lmao. i kinda low key forget about my aussie/gmt+10 followers because i think there’s like... 3 of you haha

Honestly if i could give u a dollar everytime i got off to your fics, you'd probably be rich by now

lmao the idea that people find my fics hot enough to get off to still blows my mind lol

your newest kuroo fic was so SO good!! its totally okay if you dont want to answer this so you can keep things ambiguous but is monster kuroo planning on killing the reader after he's...done with them

thank you, bby!! but no, monster kuroo isn’t gonna eat her – he’s had plenty of chances to do that if that’s what he wanted, but he has other plans for the poor reader

RHI, I WANT TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM OKAY WITH MORE MONSTER FUCKING IN THE FUTURE. i also want to say im not a monster fucker, but that just feels like a lie at this point. okay, now that that's off my chest, i love it. the mystery, the connections of kuroo to a cat. kuroo's probably gonna go and batter around his prey once they're under his grip like my cat does. hopefully the reader will come out somewhat unscathed, if they are ever allowed to leave 😌 love this, love how different it is, the way kuroo just tries to weasel in. very monster and yandere vibes, very you. have i said i love this yet?? id willingly let him get me drunk on his cock, maybe never leave the peace of the mountains again

‘i want to say that i’m not a monster fucker’ bby the denial will get you nowhere haha. just lean in and embrace it hgfjkdlkfgjnkdl ahh but thank you this is such a sweet ask ILY!!!

Omg omg the monster thing kuroo was in ur latest fic is so familiar to me abdhdmfnjfjf. I remember being told abt a monster with VERY SIMILAR characteristics to it (aka the not being able to go inside a house unless invited and using fire to lure ppl out) AND JFC IT TERRIFIED ME. Esp how when i told ppl around me and they didnt recognize what it was, but it was somehow known to the kid that told me abt it.

(Some ppl thought it was familiar but still didnt know what it was)

Do u know what im talking abt? Hopefully u do

-🥚

GHFJDK so the monster in this is kind of based off the nekomata spirit in japanese folklore - they can appear like people, torment victims by reanimating the corpses of their loved ones, they’ve been blamed for forest fires, so it was just fun to use that as a basis and then go buck wild haha. anyway thanks for the ask bby!

Rest In Peace Kohsuke, you would’ve loved Haikyuu season 5😔✊– @joyvstheworld

poor kohsuke deserved better, i’m just mean to the oc’s i throw into fics haha

Monsterfucking ❤❤❤❤❤❤ a little annoyed you're making me simp for yan Kuroo though (a vibe tho tbh). You're so extremely talented!!!! &

This is probably a stupid question, but how did Kageyama react when he couldn't find y/n? How is life with yan Suga? I imagine probably awful BUT yknow maybe the stockholm syndrome set in fast lmao. Sorry, I'm going on a binge reading your stuff. - @oracleofdin

i will not apologise for making you simp for kuroo he deserves it the man’s a snacc. and as far as your second question, suga’s a very caring, very smothering kinda yandere, so i guess in some ways it’s better than what the reader had with kageyama but... pick your poison haha

That was so good. I’m so shook rn I can’t comprehend anything but how good that was and how good a writer you are

TYSM NONNIE!!! <33

Ok, so, I just read Final Girl and the lil' ticket addition to it and just---

Well, ok I've been playing Dead by Daylight a lot lately? And I'm just picturing Tetsu as the newest killer "The Trickster" and I'm positively RANDY.

Your writing is ALREADY thirst inducing and just as satisfying, but this has SENT ME- If you're not familiar, please...

https://youtu.be/iowkiPobYYQ

Understand my thirst. (I'd also like to clarify, I use a different skin for him that gives him black hair and he looks like Kuroo with an undercut.)

~ @the-casual-hedonist 🌸

i love how feral y’all got for final girl kuroo. like bo and akaashi had his fans, but i put a spiked bat in kuroo’s hands and y’all lost your goddamn minds and i love to see it. fghdjkvhfjdkls thanks for the ask bby

idk why but I love preggo reader as long as I don't pretend it's me 😢✋ I hate babies n pregnancy anywhere else other than horny haikyuu fics

i think that’s a valid thing for a lot of fans. the idea of breeding is sexy, the actual getting pregnant and having a kid thing... not so much. but especially with non-con scenario’s, it’s more about the aspect on control than the actual desire to have kids. but yeah, i feel you

Sorry to bother but uh was just wondering in fracture did Osamu kill his wife or was it actually an “unfortunate event” ? Love your work btw!!

he most certainly did :))

LMFAO RHI i totally get not liking cheating/infidelity fics (towards reader) bc IT HIRTS ME SO BAD I CANNOT HANDLE THOSE.

id be reading fics those fics like: tf you mean my yandere aimt gonna baby me and only want me??🤨🤨🤨⁉️‼️

EXACTLY! listen i get that it’s a fucked up fantasy, but in my fucked up fantasy you damn well better have the decency to be loyal smh

Finders keepers is the most beautiful thing I've read by you: I read it twice like I normally do and here's what I figured out the second time (that's when I analyze it and find the little tidbits of things that are much darker than they appear (: )

To start I LOVE THE DETAILS OF THEM NEVER TEACHING READER ANYTHING- at first I assumed "oh they might see her as a little sister or child or something" but realized thAT WAS THE ISSUE!! they infantilize her and isolate her from everyone but her group. the small details like that are what make the story amazing 😎💅

ahh thank you so much, nonnie!! pls this is making me soft 🥺

I just wanted to stop by and say that I love your writing and I hope you're doing well!!! Drink plenty of water and keep up the amazing work :) but seriously you're one of the best fanfic writers I've seen on tumblr! I read your "Imitation" piece about kuroo and i keep coming back to it, it's so good! I did want to ask if you think it'd be possible for the reader to ever escape with the baby (or at least attempt to). Or if Kenma would "help" at all just to put an end to kuroo's antics lmao

kenma would in no way help the reader, and tbh by that point if kuroo did get her pregnant, she’d be far too emotionally dependant on him to actually even want to leave, but thanks for the ask!

You know who I think would be a perfect Yandere in the JJK world? Choso.

🚨Spoilers Ahead🚨

After being locked in a glass jar for however long he was, and all that happened with his brothers, I feel like he would absolutely never let his darling out of his sight. He would be possessive. Obsessive. And Oh So delusional. Sure he’d be your anything - he truly is a softy - but to what end?🤤

choso would make an excellent yandere, ngl 😌

what au/troupe of your fav character(s) that you have written do you like the most?

(rlly hope this makes sense🙏)

i am always a slut for soulmate au’s :))

[tokyoghoose]

something that never was

pairing: daisuke kambe x reader

playlist: even if it's a lie - matt maltese*, a soulmate who wasn't meant to be - jessica benko, the less i know the better - tame impala, id rather go blind - beyonce ( cadillac records ), the house we never built - gabrielle aplin*, i cant make you love me - dave thomas junior, i go crazy - orla gartland, blow my brains out - tikkle me, hidden in the sand - tally hall

warnings: angst, mentions of cheating,

summary: the coldness he radiates gets the best of you, ultimately leading to the end.

announcements!

i dont really see daisuke cheating unless it was a misunderstanding or smth, but i liked the idea of this fic. Let me know what you think!

you can tell i didnt write this in a sitting lol. Im vv sorry if it's hard to follow!

feedback is welcome and appreciated! requests are open!

There's a warm body beside you, yet the bed feels cold. The arm around your waist feels almost as foreign as the face in front of you. It hurts to look at him, to feel him. It hurts to even be around him. He's so beautiful but he feels like half the man he once was. It's disheartening.

Maybe the saying, what you don't know can't hurt you is correct because you were feeling the repercussions right about now. Curiosity really did kill the cat, and at this point, you don't even know how to get satisfaction from it. How does one bring up cheating to their partner? Especially when the partner is like Daisuke.

He likes to brush things off without paying a price except for whatever was in his bank account, the type to hand you a card and say 'go get yourself something pretty.' And it wasn't like he was a bad lover, in fact, it was very easy to fall in love with him. He has a charm about him that's magnetic, one glance and suddenly it's impossible to look away. Or at least that was your experience.

With the final confirmation that closing your eyes will do nothing other than bringing pictures into your head, you turn your back to him and try and distance your body from his. It doesn't do anything to help when he pulls you closer subconsciously, except for maybe it makes you want to cry.

You'd confront him tomorrow, you decided.

If you need to.

———

The pace you set is leisure and if kt wasn't for the poor nail bed quickly coming to nothing, it'd seem like you weren't completely losing your head. It's all you can think about. Daisuke out with some girl—who you know for a fact isn't his sister, and who is all over him. He didn't even make a move to push her off! He hates that kind of attention so if he didn't object it, then he was asking for it. He wanted the girl on his side. In fact, for someone who insists the other person sits across from him at a restaurant- he looked quite comfortable with her nearly in his lap.

Maybe you're overthinking this, y/n.

The door clicks open and your ears strain to hear the sound of Daisuke's dress shoes. He's rather indulgent when it comes to dressing wear and the shoes were practically silent, even with the short heel on the back.

"I'm home." He says to no one particular, taking off his trenchcoat and hanging it on the rack beside the door. He stops his path to the bedroom when he sees you frozen in place and staring in the living room. He merely quirks a brow, going to take off his suit and tie.

Suddenly you can't speak and you have tunnel vision. It's unfair how calm he always looks—it's almost smug like he knows everything about you and more. Like he can read your mind and tell you your darkest thoughts and when you'll die because let's be honest, it'll probably be by his hand. Maybe you should back out now before you can say anything. Forget it all because what if you're mistaken? The more you think, the more weight is added onto your shoulders and the more it pushes you down, down further into the hole you want to crawl into. Maybe you should let it because all you want to do now is escape his piercing gaze. His eyes are studying you, taking in your form and the cogs in his brain are turning to find an explanation as to why you are standing there like a psychopath and not welcoming him home like you usually do.

You feel like you're drowning. Is the light getting dimmer? The black around your vision only seems to close in around Daisuke and you try to look anywhere else but his face. There's water in your ears, the popping of them only intensifies until you can feel it pounding into your head with faint static.

Am I going to pass out?

It's not until his hand comes down gently on your shoulder that the closing circle of vision widens out and suddenly all the imaginary water rushes from your ears. You glance down at his rings before back up him, barely catching the end of his words.

"Are you alright?"

He's never been one to beg, so you would have to answer now or he'll leave it be for the rest of the night and probably months after until you're like this again.

"I-can we talk?"

He eyes you suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and keeping his brow raised before nodding, slipping his tie off around his neck, folding it neatly into the palm of his hand. He gestures for you to start the conversation, going to the minibar curving around the kitchen and living area.

When you don't reply he urges you on, "Why so tense? Did something happen, darling?"

It'd seem like he didn't really care from how cold his voice was, but you've grown accustomed to the monotone to know that he truly is concerned for your health. He genuinely wants to know why you're acting so odd. It only makes this so much harder? You're wrong- you have to be. This must be a sick trick your brain has played on you. Or he must be playing some sick trick.

Anxiety settles itself into your gut and it seems like it won't leave anytime soon.

"Daisuke, are...- are you cheating on me?"

His eyebrows finally go lax but he doesn't look up from unbuttoning the cuffs of his white button-down. His fingers fidget at the buttons and instead of the previous loose form, his hand forms a fist.

"I- "

"Why—exactly, are you accusing me of this?"

His gaze sends chills down your spine. He's offended but he doesn't offer a defense. Suddenly your mouth is dry and you lose all your words? How exactly were you going to tell him you stumbled across him and some woman in a restaurant and practically stared them down for fifteen minutes.

You decide the bear it and swallow a lump that has formed in your throat.

"You were with a woman earlier this week snd well, the displays of affection that I saw were not very like you. You've been gone for long hours and even if you blamed it on the new job, Daisuke—you never tell me anything. Is she for a case? Are you using her for information? Go on, tell me about it. Give me a reason not to accuse you."

You regain your confidence but it falters when you meet his indifferent expression. You'd prefer it if he looked angry and the silence that fills the room is deafening and the tension suffocating.

"I can't tell you anything about our cases-"

"I'm your partner! What am I going to do? Rat you out to whoever is breaking the law? Why would I even how those connections, Daisuke?"

Daisuke inhales deeply through his nose like this whole conversation is a burden on him and you can't help but feel like a burden too. Was this relationship not worth the time to talk this out? One hand grips the bar and the other pinches the bridge of his nose.

"You aren't my partner, you're my fiance. My partner and I work together. So, no. I can't tell you about the cases."

You want to rip out your hair. This isn't about his stupid job or his stupid partner. This is about the dumb fucking restaurant and the dumb fucking woman who was hanging off him.

He can't actually be this dense!

"It's not about that! Either you aren't getting the point or you keep changing the subject because it's true!" Your voice rises in pitch, your confidence failing and turning more so into desperation. But you aren't crying yet. There are no tears and your eyes are dry and you absolutely refuse to cry in front of a Kambe.

It's like the beginning of your relationship all over again. A protective barrier around yourself so you don't get hurt and offended by his cold shoulder. Was it so bad to think you've moved on from that feeling? Why is it so difficult for him to just comfort you and push back those fears? Is he that emotionally stunted? You may not know much about his past and his family, but damn— at least you're trying to work through it with him. Can he put out a little more effort?

All he does is pour himself a glass. All he does... is pour himself a glass.

"You know what- forget it. If you're so entitled and so emotionally reserved that you can't even talk to me without a drink first, then I guess we'll talk about it another time—when you don't look like my voice gives you a headache."

Daisuke actually looks taken back by your words and you suddenly feel bad for hitting a sore spot. He may not have shown it often, but he doesn't particularly like not being able to show his true emotions; no matter the reason being.

"Y/N, wait.."

But you're back on adrenaline just as soon as he felt a drop, pushing past him to get to your coat. You just needed to calm down before you said something you'd truly regret. Words tended to stay in his mind much longer than they were intended to.

"I'm staying at my mother's. Don't call me, don't text me, don't come near me until you're ready to tell me what the hell you were doing with her. "

When he doesn't say anything more and you can practically hear the cogs in his head turn, you make your way out there door, making sure to slam it shut.

You slip on the coat angrily, slamming open the door without sparing him a glance but waiting for him to say something. Anything. Were you being too rash? You shake your head and scold yourself, mentally. You can't just turn around now, not after an outburst like that. He has to learn something from this.

Irrational or not, hopefully, his true colors would show.

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[teamkaiforever]

MISTAKES

Kai Parker x Reader word count: 4 335 summary: Kai comes over to Reader’s house with a very important question about their future, when things take an unexpected turn. * gif by me _________________________________________

A sigh left her lips and she sat on the couch, glancing at the clock. Earlier when he had called, her boyfriend had promised he’d be there by 7PM and it was already 8PM. He was never late and if he was going to be he always called, but just as she reached for her phone someones hands covered her eyes and someone’s breath tickled her neck. Instantly her breath got caught in her throat and her heartbeat increased. There were things she’d recognise in her sleep, things that could bring her back from the dead … and his touch was at the top of the list.

   “Malachai Parker…” she muttered, “Hasn’t anyone told you? It’s not polite to make a girl wait.”

Kai kissed her cheek and tossed himself on the couch next to her, instantly pulling her into his arms. His palm brushed against her cheek and their lips collided in a gentle kiss from which neither could pull away. Or get enough. It was always like this no matter how many times they kissed, ever since the first kiss a few weeks ago.

   “I’m sorry. I couldn’t get here sooner. Something happened.” he said softly, resting his forehead on hers and longingly gazing into her eyes. “I’ll make it up to you. It’s a promise.”

   “What happened?” she shifted on the couch, semi-climbing onto his lap. “Tell me.”

   “Not important at the moment.” he placed his hands on her waist while hers hooked around her waist. “What matters most is you being in my arms and nothing else. I um – there is something I wanted to ask you but you might get upset with me and I –”

   “I am not just your girlfriend, I am your best friend. You can tell and ask me anything.”

Kai smiled nervously, glancing at their hands as their fingers intertwined together. They’ve been together, romantically, for over two months now. Two absolutely blissfully happy filled months, minus the two weeks they spent apart due to her friends leaving him in 1903… They shared laughs, inside jokes and so many of the same interests. And no matter what her friends had told her and kept telling her about him, nothing could change her mind about them. Whenever he was around Y/N was always dopey grin happy and he loved seeing her like this, but –

   “Malachai –”

Y/N tilted her head slightly and playfully slapped his chest once, twice… her lips curled into a smile watching him look at her with his ocean blue eyes glowing like never before. Something was different about him and even though she couldn’t put her finger on it, she knew she liked it. No, she loved it. Slowly her smile turned into a laughter and he started laughing with her until he gripped her wrists, pinning her against the couch.

   “I’m leaving –”

   “What?”

   “—and I want you to come with me.” he added, gazing into her eyes. “I know your life is here, your friends… your family. That I am asking you to leave everything you know behind to be with me and –”

   “My life is wherever you are.” she interrupted him. “Wherever that is – this town, another continent or another planet or galaxy or the corner of the furthest galaxy. Another dimension –”

Kai smiled widely at her and pressed his lips briefly against hers. “You mean it? You’d leave your friends … your home, your family just to be with… me?”

   “Yeah…” she smiled, lightly holding her lip between her teeth. “I have no family remember? I mean, they are all at the cemetery. And I can make new friends um wherever it is we are going. Which is um… where exactly?”

Kai leaned in towards her, pressing his lips against hers and slowly trailing them down her neck.    “Anywhere. Everywhere… another planet, the corner of the furthest galaxy. Another dimension –”

Y/N laughed under her breath for a second and tangled her fingers in his hair.     “Just you and me. Forever. Like we were actually meant to get to the normal boyfriend-girlfriend stuff after everything that happened. You know, Prison Worlds… my friends trying to break us up.” Her eyes fluttered closed for a second enjoying his touch when suddenly his lips dissappeared. Y/N opened her eyes finding him look at her as if he was seeing her for the first time.

   “I don’t deserve you.”

   “You deserve the world, Kai.” she said quietly. “You deserve to get to live the way you want and to be happy. How many times do I have to remind you that, silly? I’ll go pack now cuz that will take forever.” she started to push him off her, when instead he pulled her up and her stomach rumbled. Kai laughed under his breath.

   “You do that.” he tapped her nose, smiling at her. “I’ll go make dinner cuz someone is clearly hungry and … we can leave in the morning?”

   “Sounds perfect to me.” Y/N cupped his face and pressed her lips against his in a long slow kiss before getting off the couch and almost running towards the stairs, stopping at the bottom to look at him. “I love you.”

   “I love you too.” he smiled at her, watching her make her way upstairs while his hand rested over his pocket. “More than words can describe.”

Y/N pushed her bedroom door open and pulled out a suitcase from under the bed, her smile unable to leave her face.  It was happening – she was about to get everything she could’ve ever dreamed about. A boy who loves her with all her flaws, who she loves with all his flaws. Someone she could start a family with, have children with. Someone she could grow old with. Her hands reached in the dresser and she almost tossed everything in the suitcase without even bothering to look until it was so full, she had to push it on the floor and sit on top of it to close it when she heard her phone ringing downstairs. She called out for Kai to pick it up but he didnt seem to have heard her so she ran downstairs. Her slippers slipped on the carpet in her hurry to pick it up and she almost fell on the couch before grabbing her phone from the coffee table. CAROLINE said the caller ID. Swiftly she swiped the screen and answered the call.

   “Hey, Care. Can I call you later? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

   “Um no.” said her friend, lightly sniffling. “This can’t wait.”

   “What is it?” asked Y/N feeling a pit start to form in her stomach, slowly growing wih every second.

   “You should come to the Salvatore house.”

   “I can’t. Kai is o–”

   “Kai is dead, Y/N.” said her friend.

   “No, Care he isn’t—“  she got up heading towards the kitchen where supposedly Kai was making dinner. “He – he was just…” she ran around the house looking for him, feeling her heart sank a little deeper with every step she took. “What –”

   “Y/N, he has been dead for at least a few hours.” replied her friend. “He linked Elena to Bonnie then tried to kill her…and Damon –”

   “Damon what, Caroline?” said Y/N through gritted teeth, barely able to catch a breath. Tears had started to fill her eyes and even though she knew what the answer to her question would be, she dreaded hearing her friend’s answer. “What did he do?!”

   “He… killed him.”

   “No.” Y/N cried, resting her back against the wall in the living room. “No, you are lying. Damon wouldn’t do this to me. He knows how much Kai means to me. He… he wouldn’t.”

   “Y/N, I asked Damon to wait before he buries him so you can say goodbye but yo—”

Y/N’s phone slipped to the ground and slowly her back slid down the wall. But he would. a tiny voice told her. He absolutely would and he had. Damon had taken him away from her, again. Having Kai back for three days in secret… Three of the happiest days in her life and now he was gone all over again and this time forever.

As if from a distance she could hear her friend still talking to her on the phone but none of it mattered. There were no words that could comfort her, no words that can make the pain go away. Tears started streaming down her face and her body shook from the sobs while she hugged her knees, rocking back and forth on the ground trying to figure out if had her mind been playing tricks on her or if she was seeing ghosts. Or maybe Kai had played a trick on her friends so they can get away.

No, she shook her head. He would’ve told me. He wouldn’t put me through that kind of pain. He wouldn’t do this to me.

Y/N grabbed her phone and smashed it against the wall, quite literally turning it to bits but not before it knocked over the reading lamp hear by. Plastic and glass shreds covered the floor around her and it felt as if time stood still. Or the world had stopped spinning. Her mind kept spinning, replaying everything that had happened barely half an hour ago. It had felt so real, but if what Caroline had said – it hadn’t been and her friend wouldn’t lie to her. As the thought that she had lost him for good started to sink in, she felt as if all oxygen was being sucked out of the room, and the world felt as if was literally crashing and burning around her. It took her a couple of minutes to gather up the strength to stand up, get her car keys and get in her car, headeding straight towards the Salvatore house. On a few occasions on her way there, she ran a red light and when she finally parked the car before the house she had only one thought remained in her mind.

Y/N reached towards the backseat and pulled one of Rick’s compeessed air weapons, tucked it in one of her sleeve and in the other a couple syringes with concentrated shot of vervain.

   “Y/N –” said Stefan, reaching to hug her but she pushed him away.

   “Where is he?”

   “Damon is burying him in the woods.”

   “Where?” she insisted. “Tell me. Now.”

Stefan sighed and opened the front door, motioning for her to follow her. For a while they walked in silence, leafs and branches crunching under their feet. Her mind was drowning in memories shared with Kai – their first kiss, their first time… all the talks about their future, while she tried to decide what she’d do next. Seeing Kai’s body… A part of her knew it would crush her even but somehow, she had to see him herself because her heart refused to believe it. How could it be true? That the only person she had ever loved, ever cared and was ready to leave everything behind for was gone. No.

   “Look, Y/N…” started Stefan. “I know you must be in shock, I know you cared about him and loved him but –”

   “Love.” she corrected. “Present tense.”

   “Right.” nodded her friend. “But he crossed a line.”

Y/N stopped in her tracks. “And you haven’t? Damon hasn’t? Caroline hasn’t? All of us have crossed a line but murder… is never the answer. I thought someone who has lived over century and a half on this planet would know this by now.”

   “I do.” he watched her walk past him. “But Damon –”

   “Damon is Damon. He gets what he wants, as usual, no matter who he hurts in the process.” she muttered, pushing a branch away. “Kai –”

Damon looked up at her and then glanced at Kai’s body at his feet. He took a step towards her, blocking her view.   “Y/N, I am sorry. I –” his hands reached for her, but she pushed him away.

   “Stay away from me or I swear –”

   “Tell me what I can do to make it up to you –”

   “You can go to Hell –” she hissed and when he tried to touch her again, she staked him in the stomach and verivained him. Stefan took a step towards them unsure what to do. “Don’t take another step unless you want to join him on the ground.”

   “I understand you are hurt but this isn’t you.” said her friend, taking in another step. “Don’t –”

   “But it is.” she blinked back tears. “It is 100% me and you know it. Stefan, he took away the person I was in love with. The first person I was ever in love with, the only one who understood me completely. He took away my soulmate. Just be happy I staked him in the stomach, not the heart like I wanted to.”

   “You know what happens if you do kill him?” asked her friend taking another step towards her. “At first it will feel really good… but then you will crumble.” he took another step towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “I can help you deal with this pain –”

   “There is nothing you can say or do. I’m sorry, Stef.” she said apologetically.

A second later she watched his body drop to the ground. Taking in a shaky breath she took a step towards Kai’s body, wrapped in a large piece of cloth, and knelt down next to him. He deserved a proper burial, not an unmarked grave in the middle of nowhere and even though she had no idea how she’d get his body to her car she knew she’d find a way. For a moment her hands hovered over the fabric and finally she pulled it away, uncovering the body. Her tears filled eyes widened at the sight before her.

   “Oh my God –" she covered her mouth with her hand. Her world turned upside down again and she fell backwards on the ground trying to remember how to breathe when –

   “Care to explain why I had to do a locator spell to find you?” said a male voice. “And what are those two doing unconscious on the ground?”

Y/N got up and turned around, able to breathe for the first time in the past 30 minutes. There he was, Kai, leaning in against one of the trees. His lips curled into a smile and she took a step backwards from him while he took a step towards her. “You are alive… I will kill you myself for putting me through this.”

   “You weren’t supposed to leave the house. I went to the store – you had run out of a couple of things I needed to make dinner special. How was I supposed to know your annoying friends would call to tell you I died? Well, not died died…” he took a step towards her and another until his hands were around her waist and her back pressed against the tree. Purple/black veins flashed under his eyes and he could see the surprise in her eyes.

   “You are a vampire.”

   “A heretic actually.” he corrected her. “It’s incredible really. I can siphon my vampirism and convert it into more magic.”

   “Good for you.”

   “But what I love most is—” he said softly, brushing his fingertips against her cheek. “—is that now I can hear your breathing change when I touch you. Your heartbeat changing when I kissed you earlier or every time I touch you or call you mine. How it changes when I tell you that I love you. Like it did just now –”

   “I um –”

   “Let’s go home, bunny. I will explain everything.”

   “No. I am not going anywhere with you.” she pushed him off, angrily walking towards her friends then stepping over them.

   “Y/N –” he called out after her but she kept walking. He briskly made his way around the unconscious brothers and when he finally caught up with her, he had to yank her back because she still refused to even say a word to him. “Come on, Y/N. Talk to me.”

Y/N pushed him off, glared at him and scoffed continuing to walk on her way. An hour and her entire life had been turned upside down so many times she wasn’t even sure which way was up anymore.  Or if anything happening around her was real for that matter. Her angry footsteps echoed in the woods and she was pretty sure she was heading in the wrong direction but none of it mattered. Her mind was spinning and having Kai walk behind her wasn’t helping at all. She wanted to kiss him, hug him, slap him, kicking and punch him at the same time. A part of her was so upset with him and wanted to yell at him, to tell him off, the other wanted to suffocate him with kisses and never let him out of her sight again.

   “Yell at me. Punch me, come on.” he insisted. “I hate it when you are upset with me and… I know it’s been a couple of minutes but I miss the sound of your voice so –”  

   “I hate how much I love you.” she muttered more to herself than to him, stopping a few steps later to turn towards her boyfriend. “You mess up, repeatedly and I keep forgiving you because I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. In fact, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and you –” she sighed, placing her hand on her forehead. “You lied to me.” she said, blinking back tears. “You said you weren’t going to the wedding. You said all of this is behind you and that we are going to spend the evening together. And then you came home an hour late as if nothing had happened. Kai, you didn’t even tell me you’ve –”

Kai took a step towards her, attempting to touch her but she pushed him away. “I didn’t mean to hurt you… I –”  

   “You made a life changing choice and didn’t even tell me about it!” she continued. “You took away something I –”

   “Something that you what?” he questioned. “Tell me.”

Y/N wiped her nose with her wrist, blinking back tears before looking at him. “And to top it all, the least thing you could’ve done was leave a note before leaving the house. Ten words, that’s all you had to write…  ‘Hey, kitten. I am going to the store cuz you had ran out of pasta or whatever.’ I would’ve kept your secret. I trusted you…and you betrayed me.”

Kai laughed under his breath. “Kitten? More like a tiger, but yes. I understand. Big mistake… That’s three strikes on me. I – Let’s go home, please.”

   “Home?!” she muttered. “H-how did you even–”

   “—walk into your house without being invited in earlier?” he finished. “Remember earlier when I called you and you told me to ‘let myself in, mi casa es tú casa’?”

   “Right.” she muttered, looking at her shoes. Kai brushed his palm against her cheek and tilted her face up, forcing her to look at him. “Are you going to tell me what happened at the wedding, or should I go wake the two stooges over there?”

   “I got a peace of mind I’ve been longing for such a long time… and now I am free. We are free.” he cupped her face. “We are free to be together forever. That’s all I want. You. Always by my side, always in my arms… To spend eternity with you. And only you. I love you, Y/N. I love you more than you can possibly imagine and I can’t imagine spending a second without you. Yes, I screwed up. And I am so terribly sorry for this. You are right and …” he sighed. “Do you want to spend eternity with me? Or have I crossed the last line in our relationship, because if I had… I wouldn’t be able to go on living.”

   “Why do I feel like this is a marriage proposal?” she ran her fingers through her hair, glancing at him.  He glanced at his shoes and she noticed his hand in his jeans front pocket. Y/N shook her head. “OH no… no. You have a lot to make up for if you want me to say ‘Yes’ when you ask.”

Kai took a step towards her, holding her tightly against him. His forehead rested on hers, his lips almost touching hers as he spoke. “Well, I better start now then.” he pressed his lips against hers, or… tried to.

Instead of his lips meeting with hers, they met with her fingers.

   “No. D-Don’t do that. I am upset with you and –” he cut her off with a kiss and almost instantly she melted in his arms forgetting what he had done until the memory broke through her haze and she pushed him off. “K-keep your lips away from me. I am mad at you.”

   “No, you aren’t.” he shook his head, his lips twitching for a second. “Not really anyways –”

   “I am absolutely furious –”

He cut her off again, kissing her passionately when she pushed him off and her palm connected with his cheek. “I had that coming.”

   “Cloak yourself.” she demanded, spinning on her heels. “We are not done talking about this.” A couple of minutes later she almost ran out in the front yard where Caroline was waiting for her by the door and instantly ran to hug her.

   “Are you okay? Right… sorry, of course you are not okay.”

   “I’ll get better… OH and, I may have vervained Stefan and Damon in the woods. Tell them, I’m sorry.” she opened the car door. “Actually, tell Stefan I am sorry.”

   “You shouldn’t be alone right now. I’ll come with you –”

   “No, Care. I need some time to… process things. Having my life turned upside down in the span of a few hours. Losing everything I’ve ever wanted, I –”

Caroline nodded, watching her get in her car where Kai was waiting on the passenger seat already. “I get it. I’m here for you if you need me.”

   “Thanks, Care.” said Y/N, forcing a faint smile before putting the keys in the ignition and pulling down the driveway without even glancing at Kai.

For a while they drove in silence, both of them getting lost in their thoughts. Kai kept glancing at her trying to figure out what to say but the more he searched for the right words, the more it seemed he got tongue tied. Hurting her had never been his intention. He had hopped to the store to pick up a few things and when he had gotten back and seen the shattered pieces on the floor, unable to find her anywhere in the house he had felt as if he was dying all over again. How was he supposed to know her friends would call her that soon?! He had hoped they’d call her tomorrow when they’d already be gone and now… Whatever future he and Y/N had was so unclear, he couldn’t help but wonder if he had ruined the best thing that has ever happened to him. His gaze drifted from her out the window, watching the people on the street It was late but there were so many – husbands and wifes with children running around them or playing with each other… What if he never got to have that? What if he couldn’t fix things between them?

   “Y/N, I –” he started to say when she turned on the radio so loud his ears started to hurt. He flicked his wrist lightly, lowering the volume and sighed. “Tell me how to fix this.”

Y/N parked the car on the driveway, got out of the car and tossed him the car keys as he got out from his side. He caught them mid-air, quickly locked the car and chased after her only to have the front door slammed shut in his face. A sigh left his lips and he walked in after her, watching her climb up the stairs. It took him a split second and went after her.

   “You are not sleeping in my bed.” she stopped at her bedroom door. “You can sleep on the couch.”

   “No.”

   “No?” she turned towards him, “It’s the couch or the floor. Take your pick but you are not allowed to even get under the sheets with me in any way until you apologize –”

   “I did apologize.”

   “No. You haven’t. You apologized for everything except for the thing I am upset with you about.”

   “How can I know what you are upset about if you won’t even tell me?!”

   “Figure it out.” she started closing the door but he held it open. “What?!”

   “I’m sleeping on the floor.”

   “Not here you aren’t.”

   “You said ‘couch or floor’. I chose floor. You didn’t say where and I choose right there by your bed because I can’t be apart from you.”

   “Sucks to be you, then.”

Y/N struggled against him, trying to push the door. A groan of frustration escaped her lips and finally she decided to push him away herself. Her hands found their way on her chest and for a moment she almost caved in, allowing him in her bedroom. But having him that close to her after everything… No, she pushed him off and shut the door in this face right before locking it.

Kai placed his palm on the door and sighed, listening in to her breathe on the other side. He slid down to the floor, bringing up his knees to his chest trying to figure out what he had to apologize for when suddenly he heard her from the other side of the door… crying.

_________________________________________

MASTERLIST - SMUT MASTERLIST - FLUFF

[lovebunnie]

nick carraway and jay gatsby are both gay and heres why

its 11:30 at night and i have class tomorrow but ive been itching to make this post for about a week so im gonna do it. this wont be centered as much around jay and nick being in LOVE, since id have to read and analyze it a bit more to make honest to god claims and opinions for that, but these r some of the reasons that point to both of these characters being completely gay. also, im going to be issuing some points from others sources, but ill include links to the original texts which i recommend reading!

1

so the great gatsby was written in 1925, a time full of alcohol, financial bliss, and parties like u would not believe. many of these themes are prevalent in the novel, making themselves known all throughout. even the term ‘gatsby-like’ is extremely well known. needless to say, this book is extremely well known in every front. one of the ones i saw the most was calling the great gatsby ‘the greatest love story ever written.’ and before i read the novel myself, i wouldnt have been able to tell u any different. but when u read it, and really, how u analyze it, really shapes how u see the characters. to some people, it really could be an amazing love story. but to me, this story is written about someone obsessed with a facade, denying himself who he is, and a man who watches his downfall and can do nothing to stop him.

one very important thing to acknowledge is how this novel is told: its told completely in nicks perspective. we only know how he feels, we only know these characters based on how nick sees them. it is immediately biased towards nick. and what he does is describe a hell of a lot of people. but it is very distinctive in the way he does it; men and women are very differently described.

nick describes daisy in her voice and the power it has over people. all of nicks flowery language goes into daisys speech, but not in great length about what daisy looked like. with jordan, nick does a bit more describing in the way she is ‘small-breasted’ and had the ‘shoulders of a young cadet.’ these traits are masculine, and we know from the novel that nick does enjoy jordans company and he does say he ‘enjoys looking at her.’ hell, even the name ‘jordan’ is traditionally masculine. nick sees jordan leaning more towards masculinity than femininity. but even still, the flowery language is not as grand as it could be, not as we know nick can get.

its when nick is describing men that things get bold and expressive. even while describing tom does nick go into great and intimate length with him;  ‘ He had changed since his Haven years. Now he was a sturdy straw haired man of thirty with a rather hard mouth and a supercilious manner. Two shining arrogant eyes had established dominance over his face and gave him the appearance of always leaning aggressively forward. Not even the effeminate swank of his riding boots could hide the enormous power of that body he seemed to fill those glistening boots until he strained the top lacing, and you could see a great pack of muscle shifting when his shoulder moved under his thin coat. It was a body capable of enormous leverage -- a cruel body’ the author of this paper literally said this passage ‘pulses with sexual energy,’ and this is for a character nick doesnt even like. it obviously means more in the way nick describes him, has more heart and passion put into it.

and now gatsby, who nick, in the final chapters, dwells on even more. we know gatsby is attractive, that much we can tell without nick even really having to describe him. but even in a single paragraph about his smile does it provoke more feeling than anything else about daisy or jordan;  ‘ He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you might come across four or five times in your life. It faced --or seemed to face-- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.’

like. damn nick. this is only about gatsbys smile. this was no accident or cruel twist of fate; nick is enamored with jay and obviously finds him attractive and also enjoys looking at him, like jordan. nick sees men and women differently. this could be chocked up to ‘it was the olden days’ and ‘sexism,’ but nick isnt rude to these women, nick is simply not interested in them, at all.

but how do we know nick is gay? wheres the textual proof? its written out word for word, you just have to know where to look. and where to look is at the very end of chapter 2.

so chapter 2 does a lot for the plot; it basically introduces nick to the life these people live and makes him see how unappealing it is. we meet a large cast of characters and expand on others, like myrtle, her sister, and most importantly to the subject of nicks sexuality, mr. mckee.

mr. mckee is described as a ‘pale feminine man’ and nick offhandedly describes the smudge of shaving cream on his cheek. weird right? later in the night, nick describes himself as ‘ Taking out my handkerchief I wiped from his cheek the remains of the spot of dried lather that had worried me all the afternoon.’ nick has been LOOKING at this married man all night and cleaned him up when he was messy like come ON. plus, a ‘pale feminine man’ could very easily be a stereotype of a gay man, especially in the 1920s.

but then comes the most important part about nicks sexuality in the entire book: the ellipses.

the great gatsby is relatively short, only about 200 pages or so, give or take. fitzgerald would not include anything he wouldnt need, as he is also an expert in metaphors and making things seem as they are not. everything is masterfully placed and paced, making it seem to flow like water. 

the scene in question describes mr. mckee and nick on an elevator, leaving the party. mr. mckee walked out, leaving his wife, and nick decided to follow. heres the scene:

Come to lunch some day,” he suggested, as we groaned down in the elevator.

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

“Keep your hands off the lever,” snapped the elevator boy.

“I beg your pardon,” said Mr. McKee with dignity, “I didn’t know I was touching it.”

“All right,” I agreed, “I’ll be glad to.”

. . . I was standing beside his bed and he was sitting up between the sheets, clad in his underwear, with a great portfolio in his hands.

“Beauty and the Beast . . . Loneliness . . . Old Grocery Horse . . . Brook’n Bridge. . . . ”

Then I was lying half asleep in the cold lower level of the Pennsylvania Station, staring at the morning Tribune, and waiting for the four o’clock train.

LIKE. WHAT.

those ellipses separate the time between nick and mr. mckee on the elevator and nick and mckee at his home, with one in underwear and then nick leaving for the train at 4am. there is a large gap of time missing from this, and nick decided to leave it out while fitzgerald decided to keep it in. it means something, and the use of ellipses gives the audience enough to know what is happening without explicitly telling them. it is the authors ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ to the audience. think of the environment nick was in; tom was cheating with myrtle, the heavy metaphor of the eyes watching over the sins we think no one can see. this party was full of mischief and nick fucked a married man.

mckee does not seem intoxicated, he invites nick out to lunch while gripping the elevator handle, which are always objects shaped like dicks. plus in the novel, the scene does feel somewhat out of place; nick does not spend too much time discussing the interactions between mckee and himself, it seems thrown in. i get the impression that nick almost didnt want to include it it his writing, and put it in last minute. however, nick is fictional and i dont have much to go on off from an almost 100 year old book. its open to personal interpretation, but it seems like nick and mckee had sex and nick left on the 4am train, leaving mckee in his underwear at his own home looking through his pictures.

even at the beginning of the novel, nick is planning on living in a house with another man before the plan falls through and he goes to washington dc. could this be a failed boyfriend? we cant say. but it is a possibility.

nick carraway ends the novel mourning his friend jay gatsby, moving back to the midwest alone and away from the glitz and glam of new york. his ending does not involve getting married and having kids and riding off into the sunset, which seems bittersweet for our narrator. however, given the way things planned out for other characters, this is the best ending we could hope for for nick, one away from the destruction and one where he can at least begin to to to be happy again.

and now we move onto jay.

ill admit, this has little to do with textual evidence; i cant point out a place where jay fucks a dude or describe the way jay sees men and women; with nick being our narrator, again, he only know his perspective. but we do hear things about jay from other characters, how he acts and acted before nick and the type of man he is.

wolfshiem describes jay as ‘ very careful about women. He would never so much as look at a friend’s wife.’ this means that jay knows women and knows when to back off, never advancing on someone he had no claim to. this is very important to me for several reasons.

1. it implies jay is not a cheater

2. it implies jay has been around enough women to know who is who

3. it shows jay is respectful

this also says to me that jay is not bi; he only has eyes for daisy, and not other woman. and those eyes for daisy are questionable.

we know daisy and jay had last seen each other 5 years prior to the events of the novel. in that time, jay had collected numerous things about daisy, built a house just so he could see her, and blew thousands of dollars every weekend for parties in hope that daisy would show up, even obtaining money illegally just to impress daisy.

jay gatsby is obsessed with daisy.

this is obvious from the text, the behaviors he puts forward are strange and creepy in pursuit of daisy. gatsby stares longingly out the window, cant hold a conversation with nick, and flat out bolts out of a restaurant to avoid embarrassment. he is an awkward guy, no doubt. and he lives his life as trying to be someone else, specifically, the man he thinks daisy wants from 5 years ago. when the car crashes with myrtle, all gatsby cares about is how daisy feels; when hes literally about to get ganked all he thinks about is daisy, daisy daisy daisy.

this isnt love, and i think deep down, jay knows it. this is the equivalent of dudebros who go above and beyond to prove they arent gay but end up the most gay of them all. gatsby is compensating for his feelings and trying to push the limit to deny himself more and hide back into the closet. he wants to seem the most manly he can get and basically say ‘wow i love women! i love women so much! look what i did for this woman! look at how much i love her!’

daisy is the first person jay felt he could be himself around, could begin to feel happy. and when he went to war, he no longer had something to push all his feelings onto. plus he was surrounded by other men, and for someone so in denial about their own sexuality, it probably drives them to pretty bad places. pretty obsessive places. he needs daisy, not because he loves her, but because he needs to security blanket. he needs to feel validated.

those glaces and stares out at nick feel like cracks of the real jay poking through, one who likes men but cannot admit it to himself. after all, as a man so attached and desperate for the ‘american dream,’ back in the 1920s, that did not include marrying a man. jay lives with internalized homophobia and tries to calm his nerves with his pretend love of daisy.

i could go on and on about this forever but its 12:30 and i have class.

if u take nothing from this, let me leave u with these main bullets:

TL;DR

nick fucked a dude

nick describes men erotically while he describes women very dully

nick almost lived with another man

jay is obsessed with daisy to repress his emotions

the separation and wartime made things worse for him

his internalized homophobia causes the plot

his longing stares out the window at nick are cracks in his facade

ty and goodnight

[johnnythirteenguns]

just seen justice league (this isnt spoiler free at all)

also went to thor: ragnarok for the third time to wash the taste out.

so i went to go see it for miller, momoa, and mera in that order. i was super impressed with mera. i thought they were gonna go the like easy way and give her an Accent like the amazons, but they didnt. even though her cadence was different like idk man i know very little about dc but i picked up a one-shot earlier this year where mera neatly beats the fuck out of the justice league on her own and she’s a semi-jerk who kind of hates surface dwellers and you know what for the thirty seconds we had her onscreen i believed it and she was powerful and felt like a character with backstory and i COMPLETELY didnt hear what aquaman was saying i just heard her side of the conversation

man ben affleck really doesnt wanna be here huh anyway we should recast him at the earliest convenience

also why was batman 90% CGI like fine i get it no one can be a gymnast in a 50 lb rubber suit but like every single one of his moves that required any bending had to have been cgi

speaking of which the cgi isnt like bad in and of itself it’s just typical like it’s the cgi youre used to seeing. it doesnt blend seamlessly into anything and the characters dont blend seamlessly into it. the cornfield looks fake as can fucking be and i dont really know why? what else there was another fucking weird cgi moment. anyway, steppenwolf is ugly as sin and has no emotion and is all one color and is??? generally weird looking

speaking of which. he is not frightening at all. the New Gods isnt something casual dc fans are gonna be familiar with (i am barely familiar with it) and like? apparently, darkseid was supposed to have scenes in this but didnt? anyway go see thor ragnarok which features 1) a horned villain that is legitimately terrifying and powerful, that you fully believe can do the things she does, and who is beautifully designed and 2) features glow-y eyed masses of disposable soldiers that are cool but goofy and dont take themselves too seriously but were still frightening and made for thrilling fights because you believed they could actually pose a threat to the characters they were attacking

the beginning... uh i think like three scenes of the film looked pretty good, but they looked like cutscenes. very GOOD cutscenes, but honestly... if i wanted it to look like this id have played... a video game. like, i want it to look like a real place even if it’s heavily stylized. uh but the first showdown where batman is luring a parademon out looks beautiful if fake as shit. the scene with wondy in the bank (which features a group of girls from an all-girls school... at a bank?) and terrorists wearing cheap pinstripe suits (like, this is fine! it’s nonsensical and stupid but fine it’s a comic book movie) was kind of cool because for once i felt like... maybe diana was a creative person who goes in wit ha strategy? like picking the dude up with the lasso and holding him up was fun i was like oh!!! thats not something a typical movie would do! it was the first time she felt like Wonder Woman to me (ive seen the wondy movie itself, it was... eh). uh and idk what was up with the standing on the scales of justice or whatever idk the hilarity of gal gadot on that statue which sits on top of a bank like. it was funny.

hey question what the uh... fuck was the “what are you” “a believer” line about it made zero sense in context at all

dont quote me on the order of scenes i dont remember fuck all of this movie in order because literally, the pacing was so weird. so... it was very obvious there were parts missing from the movie. not like, cuts made where you could be like oh there was something there or maybe there'll be a deleted scene no like you Knew there was stuff that was necessary that was gone. the football scenes with victor from the trailers were gone!!! i think the movie was trying to set up a really strong friendship with wonder woman and cyborg but it never really went anywhere? and i suspect because it all got cut! and i dont understand why because ray did a really good job and he sold cyborg to me so well i loved his take! 

also... i dont know if theyre saving it for the aquaman movie next year but did Arthur get a bunch of his stuff cut too? because i like jason momoa, and i like his arthur and so im sort of torn because, like, he didnt have much to do. like, he has the bit where he sits on wonder woman’s lasso of thruth and tells them all this stuff but you dont know enough about him for any of it to land? but i really wanted to know more (at some point i did give up on, this was a very passive viewing experience). my friend was saying that like literally why did they try to make arthur so Cool he’s already jason momoa he is by default cool now you can do whatever you want with him we’re all going to love him.

speaking of the lasso scene... was the entire last half of the movie re-writen and re-shot by whedon because like? the lasso scene is a whedon. the bit at the end where wondy goes “children. i work with children” is a whedon (THERE’S NO REASON FOR HER TO SAY THIS? I THINK THIS WHEN SHE HAS TWO TEAM MEMBERS LIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND AFTER NEARLY BEING BLON UP? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD). i genuinely cant tell if all of barry’s dialogue was written by whedon or if that was ezra improvising but uh... man he’s... he needs to practice if that’s hm. if it’s just whedon i mean fine but he also doesnt have the shitty RDJ quality thats let’s him say those lines with believability.

speaking of which, going to see barry was my priority because apparently im gay for miller rn so like. uh. man he wasnt funny like there were a couple parts where he was cute and the line landed and it was fine but generally he just... wasnt funny? because the movie wasnt funny? like... idk man ezra really acting his heart out and ive said like cool i wanna follow his career and see if he does good stuff and gets even better at his stupid art but maybe he peaked with credence barebone i dont know. the first scene where we meet barry, with the flash pad and the pizza, that was good, that was funny. the bit at the prison was good. he has very soft eyes and thats nice. the panic attack is cute in the clip and the beginning like rhrgrh moment he has is good but then idk the pacing falls apart again

why is his character like this? i just dont think ezra’s... funny enough yet. (tbh i think he takes it too seriously even if he’s trying to be light-hearted man sometimes jokes is just jokes). there’s a bit where theyre digging up superman’s body and it’s JUST HIM AND CYBORG FOR UH? SOME REASON? maybe they explained why they sent the two babies but i didnt hear it and it’s literally just them two. and he tries to fistbump victor but vic is like “no” and tbh barry is annoying? like maybe u think he’s cute and an audience member but he’s uh... you can tell he’s annoying in the story and anyway then the flash says “right, racially charged” ABOUT A FISTBUMP? WHICH? LITERALLY MADE NO SENSE? WAS THIS LINE IMPROVISED? WAS IT WRITTEN? IM GONNA PUT MONEY ON IMPROVISED BECAUSE HE IS EXACTLY THAT KIND OF STUPID BITCH

if they were breaking into the lab why even bother going through the front door? barry drives the thing in (theyre trying to smuggle superman’s body into star labs) disguised a soldier (the literally most unconvincing thing, not to me as an audience member, because it was cute and funny to me,, but that a guy with THAT FACE is military like yeah sure, why did that guard believe him) but then they get to like the normal ass parking inside and the other three are standing there in full costume in full grey DC-brand daylight? are you telling me between 5/6ths of the justice league they couldnt sneak in a fucking pine box when wonder woman can lift a fucking tank on her own? like.

speaking of which uh.... superman is stupidly overpowered. like i said i read an issue of JL where mera hands every one of the justice league members their own gently roasted ass in hand on her fucking own. diana regularly kicks superman in the head. why was she not able to take him down? when theyre fighting steppenwolf for real it’s not until superman shows up that they even have a real fighting chance. they dont fight as team, they dont even fight as people casually unified in a common cause. theyre playing high-stakes legos and cyborg gets pulled away from them like three times?? and it gets fucking annoying? and then supes shows up and literally wipes the floor with him. it is so completely bizarre and stupid.

here’s a problem i still have with wonder woman: why is she so thin? the other amazons (except Hippolyta and maybe one other one) look built as FUCK? LIKE THESE WOMEN COULD EASILY TOSS ME ACROSS THE ROOM. wonder woman has serious fucking arms, where are they

also those amazon bikinis were bad. the whole styling of this movie is bad, but especially the amazons. everything is red and gold, for some reasons? the outfits dont looks heavy like armor, they look heavy like bullshit material. there is no reason for the fucking bikinis. the gold cloak hippolyta wears is??? heavy and looks like? like drapes like window dressing like thats the weight of it. additionally, there is no reason for their hair to be SO STYLED. it’s really like prom night hair it’s like shiny and muss free and always loose and in perfect clearly salon-styled curls. also, why are they so heavily made up? it’s really prominent. wondy herself has the same issue going on, she looks much more heavily made up (why is everyone’s blush so PINK, like it's distracting, is this a side effect of the recoloring process) and her hair isnt loose and doing its thing like in BVS or Wonder Woman it’s like... idk she looks really. Pretty when she’s on the field and it makes no sense.

the amazon fighting style is still ugly and makes no sense ive never seen such a wasteful fighting style it made sense exactly once during Wonder Woman

why is themyscira entirely the ugliest cgi i have ever fucking scene

why does the camera INSIST ON MOVING LIKE THAT. the action is super hard to track, the cgi is ugly as fuck (it really cannot be overstated)... i made it to about... i want to say when theyre on the way to the big fight and then the combined everything gave me a heaache that o had for the rest of the movie

i mentioned earlier that the pacing is weird the transitions are also weird. you get cuts to and from places that never fade into each other, it’s always a hard jump cut but it’s never the right cut to make? like, in thor ragnarok for example, there are a bunch of scene changes that happen via the bifrost, via people going through doors. there are wide shots that jump to wide shots in other places, so youre not suddenly on a close-up. there are a lot of people emerging from something into view, and there are a lof of people being alone in the center of the frame. it’s a very smooth and easy to watch movie. JL is the opposite of this in every way. I SUSPECT. AGAIN. THAT WHILE THIS WOULDNT HAVE BEEN FIXED ENTIRELY. THAT THOSE EXTRA TWENTY MINUTES THAT WERE CUT WERE PROBABLY REALLY IMPORTANT

the lois lane bit where she calms supes down just reminded me of the age of ultron and i quoted “sun’s going down” at my friends who were with me and they shit themselves laughing

ma kent calls lois lane “thirsty” in a Hilarious Teen Humor Gag thanks joss whedon you fucking hack

bruce wayne is fucking useless he could have got barry ANY JOB EVER and like... my god whatever.

also i still dont understand how how voice sounds like that when he’s batmanuh the after after credits scene is setting up, according to my friend, a sinister six movie. deathstroke isnt played by manu bennett so it’s fucking usless thanks for coming to my ted talk

[roninishere]

My Recovery ∆  one   ∆

(I don’t own the gif)

My Recovery

∆∆

   The beating sun was torturous, just drowning the electrolytes and water out of everyone's system the instant they walked outside the cool air conditioning. Let's also not forget the awesome humidity that follows around this time of the year in this god forgiving state. 41% of humidity. Yeah no.

   Last Monday Night Raw before the first ever Paper per view Great Balls of Fire on Sunday. Today also was the young woman's first day back to work in over a month. Her sparkling blue green eyes scanned over the Talking Stick Resort Arena, downtown Phoenix.

   Monday night raw and Tuesday night Smackdown were here in Phoenix, Arizona. It'd give the woman a couple of hours to let loose in town, and she couldn't wait. With a deep breath, her anxiety settled in realizing all eyes would be on her.

   ‘Gotta go in sooner or later.' She told herself before she extended her suitcase holding it in her right hand as her left stroke her wheelchair wheel and pushed it forward to the back of the resort arena gain access backstage.

   On her way there, her hands and arms grew tired, indicting how much she wasn't use to being in a wheel chair and how weak her upper body strength was. It was very frustrating for her, she wasn't use to any of it, and was just learning as she went.

   “Ma'am, ID please." The two security guards were posted at the back door of the stadium where the talent and WWE staff would enter through.

  Pulling the backpack that was squished between her back and her seat, pulling out her employee ID from her wallet getting the okay as they opened the door for her, and quietly tell her to have a goodnight. Sliding her ID back in her wallet, she entered backstage wondering who'd she run into.

   “Is that Miss Carter I'm seeing?!" She could recongize that voice from anywhere. WWE Veteran wrestler R-Truth (real name Ronnie Killings), who had this excited smile on his face seeing it was indeed one of favorite people I'm the company “It is you Miss Carter! My god girl! Look at you! I'm digging this."

   He moved his hand up and down refering to her wheelchair making her smile tug at the corner of her lips. R-Truth was the best making even the most sad and negative things, and bringing the positive out of it. Isabella knew her accident could have been worse, so why making it all depressing and a sob story?

   “I do too. At least I can bump into people with my wheelchair and pull the innocent card."

   The male wrestler burst out in laughter relieved she could joke a bit with everything right now.

   “See! A blessin'!" Um, she guessed. “Where you headin'? Creative meeting?"

   Giving him a nod, he said “I'll take you there,” Hooking her suitcase on her handles behind her seat, he gently pushed her as he was heading to the direction of catering. “I'm meeting up with Gold and the Hardy Boyz in catering. Just admire the dessert, torture ourselves."

   A small smile was on her lips as they appeared in front of the door with a piece of paper that posted CREATIVE TEAM, indicting the two needed to say goodbye, for now. “Well, tell them I said hello, and thank you for accompanying me.”

  “Don't thank me! See you later girl!"

  Entering the creatice team room, there were more than just the other four members; Stephanie McMahon, Hunter, and Kurt Angle. Those three definitely meant that things were bad. Stephanie and Hunter meant 'We need to get our shit together'.

  Which honestly doesn't surprise her, due to the point Monday Night Raw has one of the worst ratings on the USA Channel that she's ever seen in almost TEN years. That's what happens when she's not there for a month. Shit falls apart.

   Everyone turned to see the young woman, completely surprised to see her back so soon. Hunter was first to welcome her back, helping her unhook her suitcase on her wheelchair "Isabella, not that I'm not happy to see you, but you didn't have to come back if you weren't ready."

  "I'm fine, hate hospitals always. I'm good, I promise."

   Glad to hear someone that he's grown close to over the years was ready to get back into work. Stephanie smiled with a respectful nod "Glad to have you back Isabell," addressing the dirty blonde woman with a nickname she gave her first day here, and she went into her professional boss mode after Kurt stood next to Isabella giving her a hello as Steph got started. "Now, if you haven't noticed, our ratings are incredibly low, the lowest they've been in I want to say fifteen years. We need to fix that, immediately. Now we're here to hear what you guys have to offer."

    "We could put Bliss and Nia in a tag match agaisnt Bayley and Sasha." The 'awesome brilliant' head of raw creative suggested making Isabella roll her eyes in annoyonce and frustration being reminded on shit the Raw Womens Divison currently was in.

   Hearing some more teribble ideas they've ALREADY done, the youngest woman cleared her throat, her hands resting on her lap as she adjusted herself where she was sitting up straight "What we should do with the womens divison is have Sasha and Alexa hash it out on the mic. With their real life differences and hate for one another, it'll engage the audience.

   "Have the Miz and the Miz tirage Maryse of course, go out for Miz TV, Ambrose claim a rematch. Have Heath Slater come out and as for a title match. Ambrose has his rematch Sunday and have Heath and Miz have a title match to spark the ratings. Have Lesnar and Joe have a backstage fight," Pausing for a moment, Stephanie and Hunter grinned at one another knowing she still have her mind in work while gone.

   "Emphasis on the Wyatt and Rollins match because I'm confused why that's even happening. Broken Gimmick needs to happen like yesterday, and lastly, we need to have more of the women superstars involved on Raw, since we have three hours I'm thinking Dana and Emma fued soon. Also see about Summer coming back and fued with Sasha. Alicia and Mickie happen."

   She threw out a lot of information that she aslo had typed up in her folder. Edward Lang, the head of raw creative; male in his early 40s, tall handsome, pretty blye eyes, and could probably get any girl in his bed without breaking a sweat. He had anything but a pleasing look on her face glaring at her "Nobody wants to see Dana and Emma, Mickie James, or the rest of the divison. There's a reason why we've been standing with the four girls."

   Even this guy had a boss. Road Dogg. Yeah, and he was even a bigger asshole.

   "People want to see it, anyone but the four women. That's the point of a Women's Revolution. What's the point have having the Mae Young Classic when there are five women on Raw that haven't had a chance to shine because they aren't one of the four horse women with the exception of Alexa and Nia? It makes them," pointing at Stephanie, Kurt, and Hunter putting somw truth out there "look like a bunch of hypocrites."

   Now, this was a little too much authority for the twenty nine year old who felt her heart racing and if she lifted her hand, it be shaking uncontrollabley. She hated how the Womens Divison was treated on Raw, and how they have some like Brock Lesnar, who yes she respects a lot, as a champion who is a part timer. Raw roster was getting the shit end of the stick and they were desperate at this moment.

   "It's not that easy, the more time for them, the least for everyone else. Running this kind of show and getting the okay isn't as easy as you think it is. Thank you for your suggestions, I'll consider them." Code word for: Go fuck yourself Carter.

   Balling her hand into a fist, she knew he wasn't going to give a shit about what she said and contunie to run this company to the ground. Not able to say anything, well she could, she just didnt have the self confidence to do so, she put a fake smile on her face muttering "You're welcome."

   As their little meeting went on, Isabella found herself else where in her mind knowing this was never going to get better. Losing the best talent in the world like Austin Aries, who was not at all happy with his position in the company, that really says a lot about this company. She has dealt with this sexist and racist bullshit for years and it made her blood boil.

  Most of the time why she never says anything back was because she was afriad of getting fired; she loves the wrestlers and staff memebers here. They've been her family for a long time. What would she do with her life? This was her life, just not in the way she saw it.

  "Everyone's dismissed. Let's have a good show tonight."

   Grabbing her suitcase pulling it by her left hand, she used her right to move her wheel to leave just when Hunter started small conversation "So how you feeling?"

   "I'm doing good Hunter, just having a little of a hard time with sleeping positions. That's all."

   That wasn't exactly what he was asking, so he asked a similar question "You know Steph and I can see how much you care about everyone here. You've been here for what? Almost ten years? Ever consider maybe taking a step into a bigger role?"

   "Like as the Head of Raw Creative?"

   He gave her a nod only her be truthful "You know Vince won't ever approve of it."

   "He wouldn't, not without some convincing. I don't say this unless I believe it a hundred percent," Stopping in his tracks, she stopped when he set a hand on her shoulder and met his eyes "I see you as the Head of Creative, of both brand. Changing this place, and I have a feeling that you do too. Look, when you're ready, Steph and I will back you up but you need to find it inside that you can do it. Believe in yourself."

   Wow, okay. Fuck. That's a lot for her to take in right now. She felt her breathing get heavy and uneven but she gave him a look that she understood what he was saying, "Thank you Hunter. I needed that."

   "No problem kid, take it easy."

∆

   With Raw kicking off in under an hour, Edward Lang actually considered her ideas and is going through with most of them. Just of course not the Womens Divison one. Fucking asshole.

  He instructed Isabella to gather the talent together and tell them about the changes in the show. Doing that, she had everyones scripts and grew a nervous when she was giving weird looks in her new condition but she had this.

   'I got this,' She told herself as everyone's eyes were now on her.

   Ready go.

   "H-hello everyone. There has been quite some changes with tonight show and I wanted you to hear it from me and to make sure everyone's on the same page," They watched as she opened the folder on her lap.

  A certain superstar was curious and nudged his old friend "What happened to her?"

   "Renee told me that her and Paige had been doing some training in the ring. She took a bad bump and lost the feeling in her legs."

  A look of disbelief sat on the face of Seth Rollins, real name Colby Lopez "No," By the look on Jon's face, Dean Ambrose, his friend was dead serious "You're serious? That's crazy, I just don't see her trying to wrestle."

   "I'm pretty sure someones said that about us or just about everyone in this room." Ah, very vaid point.

   The two fell silent as the disable woman contunied on "Alright, bare with me everyone, I'm trying to unfuck everything, I'm gone a month and this place is going down to hell." Cracking a joke, some of the wrestlers chuckled at it agreeing, even making Colby himself chuckle.

   "Enzo, you've been moved to the opening of the show, go out there and pour your heart out on the microphone. Now, I've changed that because Rollins and Wyatt," She grabbed both mens attention "I know you two haven't been given a lot of time with this storyline, so you guys got fifteen minutes, do what you do best.

   "Miz, Maryse, and the Miz tourage will be on Miz TV, talking about Ambrose being a problem, Ambrose you come out demand a remath at Great Balls of Fire, god that is a horroble Paper per view name," She hated how it sounded and that was all they could best come up with? Chuckling softly she brought in Heath Slater "Heath, you and Ryno will come out, you say you want a title shot and you shall recieve one."

   Mike and Maryse nod knowing their get there scripts after "Brock and Joe, we will do a backstage segnment and an interview will go south and basically y'all will kill each other," Paul Heyman really liked that idea with a giant smile on his face.

   "Hardy boyz, slowly show the broken gimmick. I'm really trying to convince Vince to go with it so do your guys thing. And lastly, ladies, unfortunately you're stuck in another tag team match; Nia and Alexa vs Bayley and Sasha. For all three divisons, I know your frustrated with booking, I'm frustrated too. Bare with me and let's show Phoenix how Monday Night Raw works. If there are changes in storylines and segments I brought up, I have scripts. You're free to leave."

   As everyone who got changes for tonight, naturally got in line as the others left the room. Standing behind Mike, Maryse, and the Miz Tourage, Colby's eyes flickered over at The Boss when she said a snarky comment to the creative woman who clearly didn't want to agrue. He rolled his eyes before he ease dropped in the conversation ahead of him.

   "Now Mike, if you don't any of these, perfectly acceptable. I trust you enough to put on a great segment."

   The Intercontinental champion scanned over the many script options she gave him very impressed "No, these are amazing. All of these are exactly what I need. You're the best Bella, oh! A bunch of the talent is going out tonight, you should join us!"

   Mike and Maryse had always liked and respected Isabella; especially will being here as long as she has been. She fought for the Mike's on screen character and well as Maryse holding the Divas Champion many years ago having one of the longest divas reigns in history.

  She had no favorites, and cared for everyone, wanting everyone to be treated right.

   "Yeah, thanks for the invite. I'll be there. Tell me the details after your segment."

   Being the last one, Colby took a step forward as she greeted him "Hey Rollins, how's the knee doin'?"

    "It's doing really good actually, thanks for asking," He took the script from her hand as he head the door open for her to exit "How about you? Haven't seen you in a while."

    That made her smile, and actually smile. He noticed when she wasn't around, wheeling herself out of the room "I'm hanging in there, it's a rough transition."

    "I'm sure it is. Well, if this helps, you look great."

    As he walked along side of her, he glanced over to see her dip her head in the other direction able to catch the bright red cheeks thinking it was adorable "T-thanks, it does help," she cleared her throat a little curious "are you going out later with the others?"         "Yeah, Ceasaro and Ambrose convinced me to do so. Are you?"

   Why not? Couldn't hurt to let loose "I'll go for a little bit, I'm going to the gym first," She then emphasized "Need to work on my upper body, of course." She fixed herself, even though he was well capable of figuring that out on his own.

  He really respected that; gym before going out. In her condition, staying in  physical fitness, was very important. "Hey, I hear you, that's great. I applause you, I'll see you later tonight then?"

   "Yes, good luck tonight Mr. Rollin-"

   "Please call me Colby, It's Isabella right?"

  Giving a nod, Colby, despite working in the same company for YEARS, she had no idea that was his real name. She liked Colby, it was different. "Colby I will refer you as then, and yeah Isabella; feel free to call me Bella or really anything but Isabella, honestly I feel like I'm in trouble or in business talk. Sorry I'm rambling on."

  "No, don't be sorry, I get it," He really didn't want to stop talking to her but they both had work to do. "I'll let you get back to work, thanks for the script. If I have any questions, where can I find you at?"

   Yeah okay, really just to see her. He has this unexplainable attraction to her that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

   "I'll be catering to think or either Glam Squad with the girls."

   Ugh, shit what to say no, he was very awkward at this point. He was terrible with women, just look at hia track record with them. Terrible. "Ok sweet, I'll see you then."

   "See you around Colby."

   Parting ways, Isabella spent more of the night of the show with many of the other wrestlers to talk about their scripts and she gave some pointers and ideas to help them suceed as Colby spent most of his stealing looks in her direction, not understanding why exactly he did so.

∆∆

∆ two ∆ 

  So yeah, thoughts? This has been my longest chapter ever. I hope y’all enjoyed and if you’d liked to be tagged, let me know! God I’m scared of what you guys think. Be gentle?

Love ya! xoxox

-Cammy

[fabrowrites]

Skyward Chapter 4: Take a Breath of Myth and Mystery

Chapter 3

'We've waited for Cole long enough. I say we go on ourselves.'

Of course, Zane couldn't actually understand the dragon, but he had a feeling his interpretations were accurate. Again he studied the dragon's posture, trying to decipher the various tells of his body language.

"You believe we should move on?" He was rewarded with a fervent nod. The dragon's wings were twitching. Hmm, impatience? He added it to his ever-growing list.

The sky was lightening through the trees, streaks of pale orange coloring the deep blue. The soft twittering of birds merely accented the hushed spell cast over the forest.

So the bellow that shattered the stillness was jarring. Zane whipped around, heartbeat fluttering erratically. Movement caught his eye. He perceived a flash, and then the forest fell dark and silent once more. We must have been closer to the road than I thought, he absently noted. A tap on his shoulder sent his pulse spiking again.

"Jay?" The lightning dragon looked repentant, his wings drooping. "Sorry, you startled me, that's all."

He nodded, wings lifting again as he clawed away fallen needles.

THAT WAS COLE ID RECOGNIZE HIS SCREAM ANYWHERE

"Are you sure?"

The dragon gave him a look, but it was enough to assure Zane. Jay tended to babble when he was doubtful or lying. But that led to another question. Why would Cole turn into a dragon? While he thought, he started towards the road.

The sight that greeted his eyes was one he'd seen before, right before the skeletons vanished to the Underworld. A wrecked vehicle, deep tread marks imprinted into the damp earth. Only this time, there were no tracks leading away from the crash site. He frowned.

"Jay, how did you transform?"

The dragon went to write, but he froze in his movements.

I SPINJITZUED

The pieces clicked together. Zane pursed his lips, feeling a headache coming on.

"And you didn't think to alert me or Cole of that fact?"

I WAS EXCITED OKAY

There was no use in dwelling on the past. Zane focused himself on what was ahead: namely, the temple. "What's done is done. We need to continue to the Fire Temple. Cole will know where to find us."

The temple was a black mass against the morning sky. Low growls echoed from the volcano. As Zane drew near, he picked up the sounds of scratching as well. He turned to Jay.

"I sense that another member of our party might be in your situation."

Jay nodded. He tilted his head back and screeched. His call sounded more like a bird's than anything else, and Zane didn't understand why Cole had been afraid of it. Then again, he didn't understand much about other humans in general.

Thus, why he'd taken to studying body language.

The scratching stopped. There was another call from inside -this one slightly deeper and more throatier- and Jay's ears perked.

ITS KAI

That much was obvious, but Zane decided not to say anything. "How do we reach him?" he asked instead.

Jay and Kai exchanged several more remarks.

HE SAYS THE DOOR IS BLOCKED AND THE ONLY OTHER WAY OUT IS TO FALL DOWN A LAVAFALL

They needed a way in, not a way out. Zane frowned. How does one enter a volcano?

"Jay? Would you ask him if he is able to see any gaps that might lead into a tunnel?"

Evidently, Kai could hear him. The fire ninja's reply came before Jay could ask.

HE CAN

Zane studied the volcano. He had an idea, but he would need to make some adjustments before it would work.

"So you're saying that you've been training as a secret ninja warrior for the past few months, learning an ancient martial art that just so happens to have the side effect of turning you into a dragon?"

Well when you put it that way… Kai snorted, but nodded his head regardless. He perched beside the magma pools, surrounded by the kanji scratches littering the floor and walls. It had taken some thinking to get his sister to trust him, but after he thought to write out his words communication was much simpler.

YEAH BASICALLY

Nya sighed. "Honestly, Kai."

I DIDNT MEAN FOR THE DRAGON PART TO HAPPEN

"You never mean for things to happen!"

THATS TRUE

Nya said something else, but her words were drowned out by the cry from outside. Kai whipped his head around, automatically twisting it to triangulate the sounds. Was that… Jay?

"Kai? Are you in there?"

It was! Kai scrambled to his feet. He bolted towards the temple entrance, skidding to a stop just short of crashing into the rocks.

"Jay! I'm here!"

"Kai? Where are you going? What's that?"

Kai didn't have the time to stop and scratch out a reply. Jay was speaking again, and it took all his concentration to make out the words.

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm a dragon! And you're a dragon too! I finally have someone else who can actually understand me! Wait, how do I get in? I might be too big for the door!"

"Doesn't matter anyways, the door is blocked." Kai groaned, slouching against the wall.

"Is there any other way in?"

"Well, Sensei said there were other ways. That was right before he tumbled over the edge of a river of lava."

"What? Sensei fell into lava? Is he dead? Ohmygosh, he's dead!"

"He's not dead!" Kai said, before Jay could work himself up into even more of a frenzy. "He knew what he was doing. He was on a rock."

"A rock. That's not the most reassuring, Kai!"

"Well sorry!"

There was a pause, and Kai became aware of a second voice from outside.

"Jay? Would you ask him if he is able to see any gaps that might lead into a tunnel?"

Kai glanded around the cavern. Indeed, there were many cracks and dips in the volcano's walls. Some of them looked deep enough to lead outside.

"I can!"

Things feel silent then. Kai turned back to Nya, who watched him with a befuddled expression.

ITS MY TEAMMATES

A look of understanding passed over her face. "They're dragons too?"

I GUESS

Scraping noises came from the walls, followed by the sounds of tapping claws and hissed groans. Then two creatures tumbled into the cavern. They were dusted with a fine red powder. The blue one shook the color off himself and Kai took the opertunity to study his teammates.

The blue one was bigger than him, but that wasn't saying much. Jay only stood a head or two higher than Nya, and Kai himself was nearly on eye level with her. The white one- Zane- was even smaller than Kai, about half a head shorter. Someone was conspicuously absent, however.

"Where's Cole?"

"He, uh, hewenttotheunderworld."

"What Jay means to say is that Cole was unaware that spinjitzuing led to transformation. He attacked skeleton warriors and vanished to the Underworld."

A sickening sense of dread settled in Kai's stomach. First Sensei Wu, and now Cole? "We have to go and rescue them!"

"And how exactly do you plan on doing that? Last I checked, we couldn't even fly-"

"I can, sorta."

"What?"

Kai shrugged. "I can glide across the pools, at least." He took a step back, pushed off, and waited for the thermal updrafts to carry him across the chamber. "Once I'm actually in the air, it's like my body instinctively knows what to do."

"Woah, that's so cool! I wanna try."

Jay's takeoff was shaky, but as soon as he caught the updrafts it was like he was a whole new dragon. He was great all the way up until the landing when he crashed into the wall.

There was a tap at Kai's shoulder. He tuned out Jay's happy chatter and focused on his sister.

"What's the matter?" Nya asked.

Kai had to hand it to her. He couldn't think of anyone else who could be so calm when surrounded by dragons, even if said dragons were your brother and his friends.

WE NEED TO GET TO UNDERWORLD TO SAVE FRIENDS

"Woah, that's your sister?" Jay had come back around the magma pools.

Kai snarled. "Jay!" He whacked him with his tail.

"Aren't dragons able to pass between realms?" Nya said, studiously ignoring the chaos around her.

"She's right," Zane said. "In the legends, dragons were not of one world and therefore could dwell in both of them."

It felt like the temperatures had plummeted. Kai knew the legends, of course. Dragons were hunted for their magical powers and the honor and riches beyond imagining that came with felling one.

Kai had grown up on these stories, often cheering on the valiant warrior who slew the beast. Not he felt sick. Were those dragons people once, too? Was his destiny like theirs, to die at the hands of an unrespectful hunter?

Nya brought him out of his daze. "Kai? Kai! Are you okay?"

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe! He opened his mouth and coughed, each breath warming his throat. Then it was like his body was back to normal, the ache in his chest gone.

IM OKAY

Nya gave him a look.

IM FINE NOW

Honestly, he was! Kai turned to the other two dragons, ignoring their concern. "I think the smoke's affecting my lungs," he said.

Zane didn't press, but Kai thought that he didn't believe him. The white dragon exhaled.

"If speed is the key to entering the Underworld, then we will need to fly."

Chapter 5

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

[gocasualrunawaycollection-blog]

most affordable individual health insurance plans

"most affordable individual health insurance plans

most affordable individual health insurance plans

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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What does this quote about Health Insurance mean?

(The Headline - 2 Calif. health insurers to pay $13M for dropping clients ) This fine sends the message that if you come into California to sell health insurance, YOU MUST PLAY BY THE RULES, said Cindy Ehnes, the director of the state's Department of Managed Health Care. [caps mine] http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-18-insurance-settlements_N.htm""

I got into a car accident like 2 weeks ago and i havent recieved a rent a car from the insurance company??????

I havent recieved a rentacar from the insurance company i didnt have insurance since the car was no more that 3 hours new to me i had just bought it. It was cansidered a total lose from the insurance what should i do.

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I am 22 and needing to get car insurance for a 1996 Ford Escort. I only want Liability. Any suggestions?

Comparing and contrasting life insurance?

was looking for some experianced and educated perspectives on taking the best approach considering life insurance for the first time at age 28 with 3 kids?

How much is good car insurance for a uk driver?

I'd like to know what the average monthly payment is for reasonable car insurance, to see if the quotes I'm getting are reasonable. This is for a UK driver with more than 15yrs driving experience. Also, what would be a reasonable amount if you added a newly qualified driver as a secondary driver to that. The car is a 2006 Ford Galaxy. I know it all depends with the other extras etc, but I just want to get a rough idea what is the average monthly insurance that would be reasonable to expect.""

Is a Kawasaki ninja 250 or a Kawasaki KLR650 cheaper insurance?

I'm looking for a first bike, I am 16 years old, 150LBS, 5'11''. Money is an issue so I will be getting maybe an 08 ninja or an older duel sport bike. Anybody have any estimates and anybody have any suggestions? I will only have about $3000 to spend. I am looking for liability insurance.""

""How much a month will insurance be on a 2003 Nissan 350z with a 19 year old driver, (2 yrs exp)?""

How much a month will insurance be on a 2003 Nissan 350z with a 19 year old driver, (2 yrs exp)?""

Can you sue a car insurance policy holder?

On christmas day my boyfriend had a car accident where he hit his house. He did a total of over $5,500 worth of damages to it. When he went to his mother's house that day he was told by his parents ,that his step dad had removed him from the insurance in October after his birthday (they did so without telling him until the accident ). He had been paying them insurance money each month thinking he was on the insurance. Now the lady that owns the house has informed us that her insurance is suing the title holders (my boyfriend) for insurance fraud. After my boyfriend is sued can he then turn around and sue his step dad for him removing him from the insurance/ insurance fraud?""

I just got my license but no insurance?

i got my license few weeks ago and i would like to start driving my parents car , they have insurance under there name but not mine yet, and my dad doesnt want to add me on there till later on due to the cost, so will i be able to drive their car with the insurance under their name ? I live in Cali, LA. thank you""

Does the car appearance affect insurance?

Does the car appearance (good or bad) affect how much we pay for car insurance. I know insurance companies always ask What condition is your car?..any dents, etc does saying its in good condition make the rates go up or down?""

Insurance costs for a 17 year old for a car/quad/bike?

what would be the (rough) cost to insure; say a small engined car (1.2l ish), a mid sized quad (400cc ish) or a bike (between 125 and 600cc)? what would be the cheapest for a 17 year old? (geussing the bike then the quad then the car?) any help would be appreciated :) cheers dougie""

What is the vehicle code in california that requires automobile insurance?

What is the vehicle code in california that requires automobile insurance?

How can i get cheap auto insurance in texas being 20 years old?

im 20 years old and im finally getting my own truck but I don't really have a whole lot of money so I cant pay an outrageous price for auto insurance. liability is fine with me but what is the cheapest I can get.

How much does car insurance cost for 18 year olds?

I am a male, i got my license around 4 monthes ago. I am 18 years old live in NY. I am planning on buying a car and i would like to know what is average price of insurance. Because my parents telling me i will be paying like 600 a months or something like that. I am planing on getting 2007 infiniti G35. I never owned a car and never was insured. So i dont have any idea about it, except friends and articles online. So if somebody can, please tell me what would e the insurance. Thanks""

How much would insurace cost monthly?

Im 16 and im gettin a 2003 cadillac CTS when i get my licences and i have a few questions. The car is $10,932 how much would the down payment be also how much monthly plus insurance?""

Impossible to find cheap car insurance :(?

I've been desperately looking for cheap car insurances but just can't find them. My cheapest quote was 3300 on a Ford Ka 2002 and that was in November or so. The cheapest I find now is 4300. I mean what the ****? Why can't I find any? * Male, 19 years of age * Full UK License since November 2009 * Could be ANY ANY car as long as its under 2k and appropriate for new drivers * Post Code is SW16 What am I doing wrong? I can't understand. Everyone else can easily get it for less than 1k. I can't. HELP Please!""

""If my friend owns a car, can I have full insurance on it?""

If my friend owns a car and I am making payments to him to eventually own it, is there a way that it can be fully insured in my name?""

I borrowed my parents car. am i covered under their insurance?

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How much roughly will my car insurance cost?

im 16 and about to be 17 and start my driving lessons and i come from the UK and i am also female i was wondering how much my car insurance would roughly cost and ive got a 1996 VOLVO 440 TURBO DIESEL RED ?

Getting Car Inspected Late - will insurance go up?

If you let your car inspection sticker in Massachusetts expire before and then you go to get the car inspected late, will the Massachusetts RMV find out that you let it lapse and then hit you with points on your license and/or increased car insurance rates? Would if your car doesn't pass inspection, will that raise your car insurance also?""

What are some of the cheapest cars to insure for a 16 year old boy?

I'll be getting my license in less than a year from now. I wanted to know what cars are cheap to insure. I don't want a crown vic, I don't want an unreliable car that constantly breaks, and I don't want an unsafe car such as a hyundai accent, chevy cavalier, etc. I want a sturdy car that can withstand an accident, no full size, preferably compact, but I'll settle for mid-size. I was thinking of a saturn because they're cheap and reliable. Or a Ford focus or ford contour. I also want to know if a ford escort is safe and reliable, cuz they seem like good starter cars. Out of these types of cars I've talked about, What makes and models are good? It doesn't have to be what I listed, and I'd like a list or a few cars that are cheap to insure.""

How does AD&D Insurance differ from Life Insurance?

I understand a little about how AD&D works (for example, if you lose a leg you get x% of your benefit), but who is it for? If I have Life and Medical Insurance, am a white collar worker, and do not engage in dangerous hobbies, why would I need it? By the same token, why not get AD&D instead of Life insurance (since the AD&D plan I looked at had a death benefit)? AD&D seems like a waste of money (of course I've just jinxed myself). Can someone please enlighten me?...""

""If i want lighter trnasportation like a motorcycle or scooter, how much do they cost?""

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Should we have socialist car insurance?

Is it unfair that people pay different amounts for their car insurance? Doesthis constitute discrimination against people who have to pay more? Should we socialise it so that we all pay the same rate? Why or why not? :-)

Wheres the best place to get cheaper car insurance with unspent convictions?

i kind of pissed off a local copper by patronising him infront of his fellow officers causing them to laugh at him making him to feel a considerable amount of resent towards me which then later took its toll two weeks later and he pulled me over and ticketed me for 4 bald tyres which my vehicle was booked for at my garage to have them fitted the following weekend (sods law i know lol) anyhow took it on the chin and resulted gettin a 3 month ban for TT99 (means havin too many points) :'( now i have my licence back its a nightmare tryna get f***ing insurance anywhere, anyone know of any brokers specialising in that sort of thing? anyone know from first hand expirience? (if only id had Hindsight, the day i took the mick out of that copper) :@ Regards, Rub""

most affordable individual health insurance plans

most affordable individual health insurance plans

Cheapest car for a 17 year old girl?

What's the cheapest car to buy and on insurance for a new driver of 17? I've been told an old car with small engine but that's coming out 4,000 on insurance surely that isn't right?""

Which is the best medical insurance in washington state?

Which is the best medical insurance in washington state?

Estimation on car insurance?

Im 18, i have my g2s, getting my G's whenever i make an appointment.. im planning on getting a car this summer, i really like toyota celicas, they only come 2 doors. anwyays, just wondering how much i would be looking at for insurance on a car, im also female and live in ontario if that makes any diffrence..""

What do I do if a car insurance company overpays on a claim?

My parked car was hit last week. The gentleman who hit it gave me his information, and his insurance company assessed the damage and wrote me a check to pay for its repair. When I took the car to the Toyota shop it will be repaired at, the worker analyzed the car and the report filed by the insurance agent. He said that one of the repairs was not completely necessary. If I choose not to get everything on the insurance report fixed, what do I do with the extra money? Can I keep it, or do I have to return it to the insurance company? Can I get into trouble if I do not return it in a timely fashion?""

Light collision on the highway...covered by insurance?

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I need to rent a car but I have no car insurance?

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""Are most companies going to switch to Obamacare, for their insurance coverage plans.?""

Are most companies going to switch to Obamacare, for their insurance coverage plans.?""

""When you have a deductible with car insurance, who do you pay the deductible to after getting into an accident

I was in a car accident with a hit and run driver and I have collision with a 500 deductible. So when and to who do I pay my deductible to? And who does my insurance pay their portion to; me or the repair shop for the repairs on my car??

Can I drop my non-owners insurance policy after I get my revoked license back?

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""If I got a speeding ticket in my parents car, their insurance rates with state farm will increase?""

I got a speeding ticket, driving my dad's car, their insurance rates will be affected in any way?""

How much does it cost to get a $1 Million Insurance policy for a film?

Approximately how much would it cost to obtain a $1 Million Dollar Insurance Policy for a feature film shoot? No fancy stunts or explosions, a few car scenes with car mounts, shooting on the RED camera with a 5-ton grip truck. Any ideas? All the websites that give quotes make you fill out a lot of information to obtain a quote from a representative. I just need an estimate.""

What can I get FIRST: a driver's license or car insurance?

I'm 19 & have had a class O learner's permit since February & my brother has been giving me driving lessons with his car since then. A couple days ago he got me this $300 car for when I get my license (so I won't keep asking to borrow his, lol) so..... I called the DMV, but this lady said I needed proof of insurance for a driver's license, plates, registration, etc.... So I called this insurance company, but the guy there said he needed a valid driver's license # to even give me a quote.... I'm probably gonna get my license in the next couple of weeks, but.... 1) Why isn't a learner's permit # considered valid when trying to get car insurance? 2) Which can I get FIRST: a driver's license or car insurance? And how?""

Car Insurance for Mum + 17 Year old?

My mum and I are looking to buy a car soon, since I have just passed recently. My mums been driving for about 6 years.. I just passed last week, and I'm 17 years old. I was trying to get quotes for me as a Named driver on a VW Golf 1.6l, but i seem to get no quotes at all.. My mum WILL be the main driver and I will be driving it only once in a while. Have any of you guys experienced the same thing? How do you think I can get a quote for my mum and myself for a reasonable price? Any good insurances websites that i could check out/call? Thanks in advance""

Should I report my small fender bender to my insurance?

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Whats the best car insurance website to compare?

looking for cheap car insurance, plz :)""

How will a speeding ticket going 9 over affect me personally and insurance wise?

Hi, i just got my first speeding ticket going 9 over 40, the cop said usually it would not effect my insurance but if not how will it affect me? If i pay the ticket and not call my insurance will that be that and it will be over? Please help""

My job doesn't offer me any insuance - what's the best affordable health insurance I can get?

My job doesn't offer me any insuance - what's the best affordable health insurance I can get?

Auto Insurance in Ontario?

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Can I qualify for medical insurance now?

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How can I keep my car insurance policy if I sell my car?

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How much would it cost for insurance for a c6 corvette Z06?

it can be an estimate or an average?

most affordable individual health insurance plans

most affordable individual health insurance plans

Car insurance prices for 19 year old workers?

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Is it really worth it to get Full coverage insurance on a vehicle more than 10- 15 years old?

Is it really worth it to get Full coverage insurance on a vehicle more than 10- 15 years old?

Do I still qualify for my parent's insurance?

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I need info about maternity Insurance?

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Modified car insurance?

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Car Insurance: Can they check. .?

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AXA Equitable Life Insurance?

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""Buying private health insurance, broker or direct?""

I need to purchase a private individual health insurance plan. I am a little confused if I should use a broker or just go direct. There seems to be so many plans out there. I live in Las Vegas, NV. I have received quote both ways and there price seems to be around the same thing so I don't know if there are added benefits from using a broker as to going direct, anyone have any experiences?""

Can I switch Car Insurance 2 weeks later if I am financing a car?

I bought a car and I am financing it through the dealership. I got it insured but now I found a cheaper premium through a different Insurance Company, so I would like to switch. This is about 2 weeks after I put it on the original Insurance Company. And is there a fee for canceling the Insurance so I could switch to the other company?""

Which Insurance company is better to take Mediclaim cover?

Which Insurance company is good to take health policy in India? India there are 24 non life insurance companies are there. Which one is better response at the time of claim. Give some suggestion to take medi claim insurance cover...

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he got 3 points age 14, TWOC, now wants a car, how much do you think insurance will cost?""

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Please excuse my grammar, but I'm a bit panicky. I need to know the cost of a doctors check up in California for a 21 year old man without insurance. My boyfriend has been having some chest pains, and we think he sprained his wrist. I'm so worried about him. He can't afford insurance at the moment, due to the fact that he can barely pay for his college classes and food. I need an estimate from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Thank you so much in advance!!""

Can some one help me with a car insurance quote?

I am writing a paper, for my english class. I am writing about some of the high priced items in the world today. one area is cars. would any one have a ruff idea of how much it would cost to insure a 2007 Rolls-Royce Phantom for a person that is 27 years old""

Neighbors tree fell on my house and 3 of my cars whos insurance has 2 pay?

during a bad storm my neigbors tree fell over and landed on 3 of my cars and my house i was wonderin whos insurance has 2 pay? mine or the neighbors?

Health and life insurance?

im needing to look into health and lfie insurance for myself, and was wondering where to start? What is everyone using? i need something reasonable and something where i dont get the run around with!! Any help appreciated!""

Is it possible to get different car insurance under the same household?

Hi, So I have a question regarding different car insurance. MY family has allstate for the car insurance. However, I do not want to go under allstate for family reasons. I am trying to get geico for my car. However, my father states that if you were to get geico you would still have to add everyone's name under the insurance policy. I am trying to get my own individual policy without adding anyone under the car insurance policy. I wanted to know if it is possible to get different car insurance under the same household? Thanks :) P.S: I am 23 years old. About to turn 24 years old. I wanted to get my own individual policy without adding anyone on the car. The car was a gift from my parents to me.""

Citroen Saxo Insurance?

Hello, im a 17 year old currently learning to drive, once i have a Full UK driving license,think i would be able to get insured on a citreon saxo? As far as i know there are a few types of saxo's, the 1.1, the 1.4 furio, and the vtr 1.6 i think! Many people have told be they are classed as a boy racer car so the insurance will be high but surely if i buy a standard 1.1 or 1.4 saxo i will be able to get insured. What do you guys think? What saxo best for first car? Any other first cars recommened? How much round about do you think it will be to insure? Thanks""

I was driving my firends car and had an accident. Whos insurance covers the wreck? My friends or me?

I was driving my friends car and wrecked it. My insurance says that insurance covers the vehicle not the driver. Is this the opinion of all insurance companies?

What is the Average Cost for Health Insurance?

I want to buy health insurance? What is the average cost for health insurance? Thank you.

Getting free insurance when buying a van new?

I'm Ste & I'm 21. I've just passed my license a month a go and I'm struggling to get a decent quote from any insurance company. That's made me think about buying one new as I know some car showrooms do free insurance policies for young drivers (Mainly over 21) which is lucky as i've recently celebrated my 21st. So, are there any van company's with free insurance? I've got no no claims and I've had my license a month. Any help would be brill! Cheers, Ste.""

Why is group health insurance better than individual?

My employer is offering group insurance. My individual insurance seems like a better deal but everyone keeps saying group is better? Why is this?

Insurance policies and pre existing conditions?

i have been looking into to health insurance policies.Since i no longer can carry a HMO through my state since they are doing away with the program altogether. I dont know what to look for, for the best usage of my money. I have had some medical issues come up but have not really been diagnosed with anything yet and need to have a procedure and a few test done but because i do not have insurance then they want an outrageous down payment that i can not afford. So my question is, what policies should l look for? should i be looking into pre existing health insurance? Is short term health insurance something i should steer away from? i need health insurance like yesterday!""

What should the governments role be in healthcare?

What are you ok with the government touching, concerning your personal health care.""

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old?

I am turning 16 next month. I'm getting my liscense then too. I'm a girl... Ahah. I've heard insurance is cheaper for females. I live in henderson, nevada (pretty much las vegas). And my first car is going to be a 1999 porsche 911 carrera. It's in mint condition also. My dad barely used it. I know it will be high-ish since it's a sports car :/ About how much would my insurance be on it a month? THAN YOU! <3""

most affordable individual health insurance plans

most affordable individual health insurance plans

Insurance on a used car verses a new car?

My dad says that if I buy a new car my insurance will double or even more than my insurance on my used car. Is that true?

Car lease insurance question?

I am leasing a car from Honda and wanted to know if there is insurance you can take out to cover any damage to the car that will repair scratches and minor dents, things that I will be hit for when I return the car when the lease ends? I was wondering what that kind of insurance is? Thanks""

Honda cg125 or cb125 and running cost and insurance please?

Honda cg125 or cb125 and running cost and insurance please?

What is the most popular/best dental insurance in California?

Looking to invest in Dental Insurance, but I want something good, where I'm not paying so much out of pocket""

How long does a person have to turn an accident in on your insurance?

I was in a fender bender in a long line of traffic. The front car decided to not use a turn signal and lock up his brakes, causing a chain reaction of everyone having to lock up their brakes. I locked mine up, and my car skidded into the person in front of me. We will car it Car B. Well, Car B was very close to the car in front of him already and Car B hit Car A. The driver of Car B said that there was little to no damage on the rear or front of his car, so he didnt see any means to get the police or insurance involved. Car A has a few tiny marks due to the screws of Car B's front lisence plate. He says that he wants to show it to his parents this weekend, and will let me know Monday. But he has my insurance information. I'm assuming that I would be responsible for his car also. But i'm just wondering how long does he have to turn this in on insurance? I'm afraid that if something else was to happen to his car, him having my information, he could turn it in on something completely unrelated later on.""

What to do about car insurance claim?

On wends. I was waiting at a red light and another car wrecked into my car. We pulled over and I called the police and my insurance and all that other fun stuff. He got a ticket and when the cop came back to me he gave me the other guys information. (as in his name, car, and license plates number and thats all.) I called my insurance (State Farm) the next day to see if they had any more information because I thought my insurance was gonna get in contact with his insurance (Titan insurance.) The guy at state farm said that in my policy there is a 500 dollar deductible. (I thought this other guys insurance was supposed to pay for this, not mine.) So I asked the guy that and he said if I wanted to go through his insurance I had to get a hold of them myself. (But isn't the two insurances supposed to get in contact with each other?) The last two days i've been calling titan insurance and state farm trying to figure out what the hell is going on because this titan place seems like they have no clue whats going on and state farm is telling me to go through my policy and none of them have answers to my questions. Why should it go through my insurance if hes the one that hit my car? I've never been in a car wreck before so I'm not sure how all of this is supposed to work so any advice would be good.""

..new driver in CA? insurance?

does the DMV automatically alert your insurance company that theres a new driver? or do you have to yourself? and if i havent yet, what happens if i get pulled over? should i not be driving?""

Is there a new law about not having car insurance?

i heard the law had just changed in California and my insurance just ran out in order to renew i need to drive to the bank and im not sure if i can with no insurance

Would anybody please tell me what do I have to do to become a car insurance broker?

I am interested in car insurance industry and would like to become an insurance broker. I don't know the course or the line to follow.

Question about health insurance coverage?

I work for a municipal court, a city job. I asked if I could purchase a direct pay insurance plan on my own without participating in the one the city has. They said if I wanted to enroll in my husband's or SO's health plan, I could do so. However, I cannot purchase an individual plan(I am single). Something about a buyback of insurance from another corporation. I do not understand this. Can anyone enlighten me? Thanks in advance.""

Insurance question !?

I live In London Ontario and I'm 16 I'm about to get my g1 if I pass use my parents car for a year and do drivers Ed and if I buy a Honda civic 2009 manuel transmission, hOw much would insurance be ? Please list a bunch insurance companies and tell me the price thanks!""

Can car insurance limit your driving distance by gade?

My father wouldn't let me road trip to another state because my car insurance would only let me drive from here to school. Can car insurance limit the places you drive?

I need help understanding Health Insurance Deductibles?

Ok, so I'm going to get health insurance and I'm Having a challenge trying to understand the deductible situation. The Health Insurance I'm looking into is Blue Shield of California and they have many plans, and it seems that the prices get a bit higher when the deductible gets lower. What does the annual deductible mean? Is that the amount that I have to pay off first before my insurance can cover me?""

Why dont we get a refund from car insurance companys when we dont make a claim?

i pay more for car insurance than i do for house insurance yet my car is worth a fraction of  to my house ????

Do I have to pay higher car insurance if I buy a second car?

I have a Chevy Cobalt and have insurance for it. If I want to buy a used truck also so I have two vehicles, do I have to pay higher car insurance costs? Do I need to get a second policy for the truck?""

Can i get sr22 insurance without a VEHICLE ?

my liscence is suspended because i have lost the privelage to operate a motor vehicle in the state of rhode ialand and need sr22 to reinstate. however my liscence is issued in massachusetts. i need to clear up RI before MA reissues. i keep getting answers how to get sr22 without a liscense, but how do u get one WITHOUT A VEHICLE to insure. insurance is not required in MA without a vehicle. PLEASE HELP !!""

Audi a4 2003 insurance cost?

i have a 2005 honda civic lx, and im planning to buy a audi a4. currently im paying 110 for insurance, how much more expensive would my insurance be if i decide to buy an audi""

What is the cheapest car insurance?

Looking for cheap insurance because I have had to tickets for speeding.

Can i get a motorcycle insurance without having a license?

Or how else am i going to take the bike for the skills test

About How much would insurance be for this car?

It's a 3000gt SL. I heard if I got an alder camaro it would be around $145 a month, but will go down depending on how long you go without tickets and wrecks. So yeah, a 1992 Mitsubishi 3000gt SL.. Thanks""

How much money will you be saving by going to driver's ed?

I'm 16 and have my learner's permit in CT and I've heard that by going to driver's you save a bunch of money on your car insurance...I know that its ture but how much money can you really save?

Can I have my drivers license in one state and my license plate and car insurance in another?

I live in GA and bought a car in FL. To save money on taxes it was recommended that I register the car in FL and get a FL license plate. So, now I have a GA drivers license, a FL license plate, and FL car insurance. 1. Is this legal to have long term 2. If it's not legal and I switch everything back to GA, Will I have to pay GA taxes on the car that was purchased in FL ? To possibly complicate things more, the FL registration is not just in my name. It's also in the name of a friend who lives in FL who happened to cosigned for me to get the car. It's his address I'm using for the FL car insur and the registration.""

""Best health insurance, help ?""

I know nothing about insurance, share your experience with your search for health insurance. In your opinion, what's the best one ? Thanks in advance, Daniel :)""

Till what age can we get health insurance?

I want to know the upper age limit for purchasing health insurance.

Why is it so hard to get health insurance with an autoimmune disease?

I have rheumatoid arthritis and can't seem to find affordable health insurance. Providers see huge red flags when I tell them this. Right now I get all my healthcare with the county of Los Angeles, which is huge relief, but at some point I may want to leave the Los Angeles area. I have no idea what kinds of health care programs other states have for the lower income people. I am surprised that health insurance companies can get away with avoiding people with certain diseases, unless they want to pay huge premiums. Can someone explain this to me?""

most affordable individual health insurance plans

most affordable individual health insurance plans

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/do-i-need-uninsured-motorists-insurance-my-motorcycle-bobby-griffin/"

[exactlywhoyouthinkiwas-blog]

[2/27/2015 9:48:23 AM] Evan: sup [2/27/2015 11:23:51 AM] YV??~: (So I was not ignoring this i just only ever wake up around 12 and i never change my status because i dont plan when i go to sleep. just felt like i needed to explain i was not ignoring this) [2/27/2015 3:28:38 PM] Evan: I kinda figured. heh [2/27/2015 3:29:23 PM] YV??~: so you wanted something? [2/27/2015 3:30:49 PM] Evan: Haha not particularly. It's going to sound pretty random, but I actually wanted to ask you a question. [2/27/2015 3:31:01 PM] YV??~: Ok [2/27/2015 3:32:21 PM] Evan: Cause I'm curious, and I can't remember if I ever asked. [2/27/2015 3:32:30 PM] Evan: Heh. Sorry if this is too personal, but [2/27/2015 3:32:45 PM] Evan: Why do you consider yourself a terrible person? [2/27/2015 3:42:39 PM] YV??~: Oh. Well you are in luck because i accidentally did a lot of terribly depression introspection earlier this week and have just the answer for that. From what i can put together from my somewhat incoprehansible whining. I've gotten through a lot of my life manipulating people through lying and gaining their pity all for my own gain...and probably will continue to. I tend to not do ANYTHING in every situation that would be optimal for working. I am able to somehow make people angry just by expressing emotion. and even when i find things i could fix i never try to change anything. [2/27/2015 3:42:54 PM] YV??~: just a short list of some of the things [2/27/2015 3:43:57 PM] Evan: I see. [2/27/2015 3:44:13 PM] Evan: It sounds to me like you're a human. [2/27/2015 3:46:21 PM] YV??~: Ehhh. I mean im not gonna tell people what they can think but i dont have to share anyone opinion [2/27/2015 3:47:23 PM] Evan: Haha, fair enough. I'll spare you the optimistic bullshit. [2/27/2015 3:47:28 PM] Evan: Why don't you change anything? [2/27/2015 3:48:51 PM] YV??~: That takes time. and effort im too lazy to put out. Ive tried to fix some things but i forget like a week later and stop trying [2/27/2015 3:49:40 PM] Evan: Do you not actually want to? [2/27/2015 3:52:05 PM] YV??~: Honestly, hell if I care anymore. I'm trash and thats that, Im not really worth the time or effort. [2/27/2015 3:52:29 PM] Evan: Not even your own? [2/27/2015 3:54:23 PM] YV??~: Im not really worth pretty much anything for anyone. Even thinking deeper about myself makes me feel like that was just a waste of time. [2/27/2015 3:54:49 PM] Evan: What do you do, then? [2/27/2015 3:55:50 PM] YV??~: Weh, theres a reason I have so many OCs and roughly 12 titles to my name with 6 running congruently at various stages of development. [2/27/2015 3:56:27 PM] Evan: Why do you make art and tell stories? [2/27/2015 4:01:07 PM] YV??~: I dont really have any other people around, and I dont really move from one spot like 22+ hours of the day so I gotta have somewhere to go, and someone to be. Even before I ended up like i am now barely leaving the house, I didnt have more than like 1 friend ever so those were my friends. I ended up picking up drawing from my sister seeing her do it because i thought itd be a good way to be able to really see these characters [2/27/2015 4:03:03 PM] Evan: Why do you animate them? [2/27/2015 4:06:56 PM] YV??~: Ive always been able to make up stories but when i create them i dont think of it as words, as a story would be if i wrote it down, I actually see the story's progression moving. When I create a story and characters I see them move and create the story themselves with small things i put in, and I hear them actually say what they have to say. out of all mediums of visual story-telling, animation is the closest to the original "being" of the story. [2/27/2015 4:07:38 PM] Evan: Why do you share them? [2/27/2015 4:10:20 PM] YV??~: I do that with pretty much any work i finish. Like "here i made this, heres proof it exists." Basically so i have something to show for myself, that i do have the ability to make things. [2/27/2015 4:12:29 PM] Evan: Does it make you proud? [2/27/2015 4:15:32 PM] YV??~: euuhhh...Proud? No. Satisfied with actually being able to have a finished product of some kind, even if its less than the original plan, is a little more like it. Even if I hate it later because there are things that could have been done better if given the time, its still better than nothing. And even then usually the ones i hate the most give other people the most enjoyment. [2/27/2015 4:17:22 PM] Evan: Do you make things that you hate? [2/27/2015 4:20:59 PM] YV??~: Oh yeah. Serious things that just went wrong early on and i was unable to fix, and joke things that ive put too much effort into that got too big compared to real work. I usually dont hate projects though. Even when I feel like theyre going no where and i retire the idea completely i dont usually hate those. Mostly art and animations, actual stories are different. [2/27/2015 4:28:05 PM] Evan: Does art make you happy? [2/27/2015 4:32:56 PM] YV??~: Not usually while im in the process of making it, im mostly just mind set on what it SHOULD look like. But stepping back to look at everything come together and finally become something finished usually is satisfying at the least. Some i never look at after that final moment of its creation, but some im really happy with the way it came out and end up looking at it over and over. So I suppose once the peice is made it does, in a way. [2/27/2015 4:34:34 PM] Evan: Are you proud when your art makes others happy? [2/27/2015 4:36:44 PM] YV??~: Well, i mean, i guess its nice when other people can find enjoyment out of something ive done. [2/27/2015 4:37:13 PM] Evan: Do you like making people happy? [2/27/2015 4:39:21 PM] YV??~: depends, usually i try not to sacrifice too much for other people, but sometimes i can be generous with somethings. really it depends on how I feel pretty much. [2/27/2015 4:41:55 PM] Evan: What makes you happy? [2/27/2015 4:47:07 PM] YV??~: I dont know, I tend to spend most of the day in a neutral 'emotionless' state, and most of the time any emotions I do have are very miniscule that I dont usually remember them. Though I enjoy being in the presence of other people, even without participating, people tend to ignore me 90% of the time. Thats a question that im not sure has a real answer [2/27/2015 4:50:26 PM] Evan: Do you have a dream? [2/27/2015 4:53:07 PM] YV??~: I try not to make solid plans more than 3 years in advance, so im not really sure. There's not a whole lot, at this point, that I could really accomplish by 2018, who can even say I'll still be alive by then. [2/27/2015 4:54:04 PM] Evan: But is there something you would want to do? [2/27/2015 4:58:05 PM] YV??~: Usually I just put goals on my characters, and I just exist to help them get there. I dont really see it so much as my life and things I want to do. Really the only thing id regret in dying is not that im stuck nowhere and im not going anywhere, but my characters not fufilling their roles and reaching THEIR closure. [2/27/2015 4:59:23 PM] Evan: Is there anything else that you do? [2/27/2015 5:02:50 PM] YV??~: All of my hobbies relate with art and story-telling in someway. Voice acting, singing, creating costumes and clothing. pretty much all of it is art and in some way has a story behind it. [2/27/2015 5:06:28 PM] Evan: What do you want to be better at? [2/27/2015 5:09:51 PM] YV??~: wehh..I dont know, theres a lot of things i could be better at and somethings i should be, but...im not really sure. [2/27/2015 5:22:15 PM] Evan: What do you think you're best at? [2/27/2015 5:28:41 PM] YV??~: Ive practiced various methods of drawing for years but, even though i just picked up sewing as a craft 3 years ago im better at that than i was with drawing early on. Everything else has taken since around middle school to get to a good level where i can still do it comparatively quickly, where sewing only took a year to get to that point. Overall for me it went from a beginner level to at least moderately experienced much faster than everything else. [2/27/2015 5:38:07 PM] Evan: What's your favorite thing to do? [2/27/2015 5:41:19 PM] YV??~: I dont know. Usually if im bored, and not too fed up with holding a pencil, i end up idly drawing....Its really like the only thing I do. [2/27/2015 5:50:40 PM] Evan: What inspires you? [2/27/2015 5:53:13 PM] YV??~: Usually things just pop into mind on their own. Sometimes they happen while im listening to, or watching something. [2/27/2015 5:53:40 PM] Evan: What sorts of things do you watch and listen to? [2/27/2015 5:57:06 PM] YV??~: Usually I put on miscellaneous gameplay footage or lets plays, and i pretty much switch between that and music. [2/27/2015 5:57:49 PM] Evan: What kind of music? [2/27/2015 6:00:23 PM] YV??~: It usually depends what i feel like. somedays its lighter faster stuff, somedays its heavier stuff. Somedays a combination of both, sometimes i just let my music shuffle and play in whatever order. [2/27/2015 6:02:12 PM] Evan:  Is music important to you? [2/27/2015 6:05:52 PM] YV??~: I guess....I mean some ideas wouldnt have happened without certain songs, and some projects probably wouldnt exist. [2/27/2015 6:07:53 PM] Evan: What's your favorite project? [2/27/2015 6:10:21 PM] YV??~: Honestly, there isnt a lot of public information on Mahito but ive been working with it for 2 years, and it was actually the first thing I envisioned myself actually animating. [2/27/2015 6:11:00 PM] Evan: What's Mahito? [2/27/2015 6:22:17 PM] YV??~: Its something I came up with one day, I guess the best way to describe its themes in short would be Madoka-esque even though i came up with the basics including designs before i even watched it. I guess one could say its very "magical girl" though it is not a straight female cast. It follows a team of 6 highschool students, their leader being a socially withdrawn, sucidal girl whos only real support are her brother and his best friend. These 6 people are given powers and forced into a battle thats been going on for centuries, for supremacy within a group of supernatural beings known to the humans involved as "gods." Many of these gods have no regard for the people they force to fight so long as they are able to take surpremacy in someway, since they are unable to kill each other or be killed. The team has to fight both other human fighters and "monsters", that are the remains of humans who tried to rebel against their "god", which live beyond a barrier and can threaten to destroy inncent human life. At first they look at it as their chance to help people, but eventually their powers become a burden. [2/27/2015 6:24:26 PM] Evan: That sounds really interesting. How much have you done with it? [2/27/2015 6:29:45 PM] YV??~: So far I have designs and short biographies for the main cast. As well as designs for a few of the mosters they will face, and bios for a few minor characters that still have some influence on a part of the plot. A lot of what i have written besides characters is mostly world building, information on the roles and powers each member of a 6 man team can have. Descriptions of the basic behaviors of monsters on different intelligence levels. I plan to have all the designs done at the end of this year, and the timeline for the plot fully written in detail at the end of 2016. [2/27/2015 6:33:31 PM] Evan: Cool. O: I assume it's also going to be an animation? When do you think you'll start making it? [2/27/2015 6:38:45 PM] YV??~: Ive been saying since around last year or so itll come out in 2018. It was the first thing I considered animating seriously, things before that where like that would be cool, or this scene could be animated. But this, i decided, this was going to be fully animated, i tried to start it out in a static format just to get things laid out to be adapted into an animation, but it never worked. While 2018 may be a little too ambitious, this is going to be nothing but animated [2/27/2015 6:44:46 PM] Evan: I see. [2/27/2015 6:46:57 PM] YV??~: yeh

[unicornninjabitch]

Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™  I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig

[tellmeyourstory-art-blog]

Amicus

What is the point of friends and relationships?

The questionable studies of Harlow was undoubetdly cruel but elighted an important insight to human affection. Can we live without it? The reason harlow preformed hi experiments on moneky’s was because taking a human in the most natural sociolofical form would be  ‘an infant’ because they are without external influence - TV, parents, toys. 

Harlow took a group of baby monkey from birth and put them in an elaborate set up with 2 mothers, One was a wired mother, who fed and provided milk, the other was cloth who’s only ability was to provide comfort. Thehypothesis was that hough the wire mother was scary and uncomforting the monkey would show love to it because it nourished them and gave them a means to survive. Proving that human love was based off of need. but surprising Harlow was wrong. The monkeys utilised both mothers equally, further proving comfort and affectio was something needed in the psche for love and survival. 

to want to belong somewhere, to find comfort. Today we do so by first finding it in family, and then as adults in categories, it’s how we met like minded people.

Groups, set aorund drinking culture, fitness or art. Still fear change just as the Neanderthals did, maybe theire categories  it was the hunters and gathers any anything new was scary, rejected and destroyed as it posed a threat to a specific way of life. For example how your fat friends relish and secretly don’t want you get fit or how the friends who drink a lot don’t want you to stop drinking. 

  but today, it’s divided by mroe and more categories.  When we wee young we dealt with a small kind of exclusion boy against girls, when we are older it’s the Introverts and Extroverts, who liek this magazine, or this celebrity and we form gorups and within those groups cultures, when really why do the categories matter at all. We are all humn and at the heart of it little animals trying to feel out places to fit in somewhere. 

I didn’t really feel like i belonged on anywhere, in my family or in friend groups. I was outcasted though I didnt realise until I was 13. In high school a rumor would go around about me that I was a lesbian on the first day of high school casting me as ‘dont play with’ Sometimes I wonder if it was my sister who intially spread the rumor since she was always at a competition with me for attention, I never felt it. She once turned to me and said ‘you know how were always pitted against eachother’ and I never knew what she meant.

She once bribed me in the bathroom as young kids with a $2 coin to stop pulling a face that would grab my moms attention and make her laugh for a secod, for my sister attention is what gave her validation, and to stop me from getting it away from her.

And above that I was weird. And people didn’tlike me. My didn’t so why would i believe or act in away that anyone else did. A very self pittying view but at the time it was true none the less. Having friends was extremelydifficult for me because of my mom too. When I  had finally made a friend group one of them asked ‘my parents saifd your mom was a mistress’ i had no idea what that meant so i asked my mom who lost it at me

WHO SAID THAT she blarred, eventully getting the number out of me and absuing my friends parents.

Eventually even my sister friends werent allowed at our house because theyw ould leave crying. 

gossip started, but still no one stepped in or did anything. 

Friendships can seem mysteious, we talk about clicking, but there there is something at the heart of friendships that seems important to identify, vulnerability. it’s easy to assume what makes us likeable is who we are on the outside, good looks, nice car or public acclaim, strengths accoplisment and things we are porud of.. this impresses but it isnt what draws others to us.. the more we get to know someon we are able to depart from the official story  and start to reveal awkward truths.

unfortunately this can work in 2 ways, with overwhelming support and positivity for our positive traits and negative. Friends, can be a great healthy support and fulfill our very sociological need to belong somewhere. Friends can also be a great support for validating unhealthy values too.

My mother was still able to find a group of friends who validated their own alcohol addiction ad sadness together and becam a stronger support for denial rather than lifting eachother up. 

I’d always dread coming home from school and smelling the cigarette smoke and drunken laighter from the varrander. Mid day drunken senssions of sad people pissing their years away. My mom blamed my sister and I had no problme telling us that or her friend who believed her.

One weekend away I had come home from a sleepover and found one of these friends cleaning out my moms house. I had been gone the entire weekend and she had supposedly trashed eevrything. Her friend was shaking her head and calling me a digusting pig as my mom had told them I had done it. I tried to explain id been away how could I have done it, but being a child in the eyes of ‘adults’ they didnt believe and continued on the lies to keep inhibiting their digusting problems.

Soon my mom would have sex uncaring if anyone was around. On top of my christmas presents, as i cried from the top of the stairs, her fleeting relationship with a man who was just a pathetic and lonely theyd smoke weed and scream loudly un caring there was children in the house, that it was the middle of the day and how truly disturbing a child leanring about sex is by listening to unhibited parent not caring about boundaries.. only their own desires.

Soon there was naked people everywhere, cigarette smoke vodka stained carpets and a deeper denial floating around everyone who gravitated that disgusting house. Her besy friend soon became her lesbian lover would drink with her ll night laughing about how shit life was. She’d call me after my mom died and continue, she’d tell me how she removed my moms tampon and other disgusting detils of their love life i had no need to know. But she needed someoone to vent to, and someone to understand. Anyone. And that desperatess left to an unhinged release of lines being crossed, when anyone would think a responible adult should be incontrol of where they are drawn. 

None of them truly understanding how daming that is for a young girl in her formative years. Had it been openly talked about maybe it would have been differnt, but it was always loud voices behind a locked door. 

I’d learn how to pick locks becauseof this.. or be louder. I’d bury myself into my guitar and sing sond of her being sober outside her bedroom door all in a failed attempt to get throgh. to someone. 

It was agonsiing screaming for help on the floor with no one to hear me. I still feel so much pain playing guitar out of fear the songs I did play were unimportsant, unlistened to and didnt help anyone. 

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The terminally ill person maybe pittied and empthaised with and by family and friends but only he who is truly sick can know what it is like to suffer that fate.

The lovers deserprately try to fuse with eachother in hopes of creating a destiny in a sing self transdence but do so in vain as they inevitbly die alone. Only you can experience what you are experiencing, and it is th efate of every soul to suffer in solitude.

I retracted inwards, more and had the self realisation it was Ok to be alone and feel lonely,t hat really. All I had was me in this wrold to rely on, and that was ok, which shaped my beliefs today on being lonely.

 I like the feeling. I believe being lonely can be a choice & isn’t sad at all. Many people have mixed judgements about this, some will think I am shy, others insecure.. but I am a deeply confident person these days,  I've struggled with myself, and, at the same time I often wondered -- s there something wrong with me for not forming {meaningful || intermittent} attachments?"

 For me it's come down to the fact that I'm about growth and progress and moving forward. Since I've been young, I've never really felt any particular attachment to any one thing in particular. Such as, the typical hometown-hoedown; or taking-up supporting a local team with fervor or passion. Same goes with my relationships friends or more than friends. 

It's taken a while, but I'm comfortable with this for the most part. I don't want to be stuck in any one mindset or frame of mind, nor do I want to placate or pacify myself into being stagnant. "Oh this is just okay since it's what everyone else does." It seems in 2017 It's still looked down upon to be 'alone', as if there is something wrong with you. And although I believe having social skills to carry yourself in a large groups is important, it's not the same thing. Reminds me of a Cranberries song: "Everybody else is doing it, so why don't we."is simple: "What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular." -- Do I want to be a follower, or have my own mind? Am I myself, or am I someone else? To make friends - good ones, you truly do have to enjoy your own company in order to provide the vulnerabilty of true friendship, our hidden truths and obscrities.

 I (personally) abhor parrots -- hearing the same thing over and over again from people who don't like answering pertinent questions which would impinge parrot logic (ignore that which is inconvenient is used too often by too many people, IMO). Make sense? (I see nothing wrong with this -- though it might feel wrong compared to the typical or average social perspective)-- there's really nothing wrong with it tp  fill the sociological need to belong grow with self value & respect first, you can accept the right people and let them come and go throughout all phases of it.  I fall inlove with people who aren’t afraid to say no to me, I fall in love with my friends who help me learn.