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sinceileftyoublog · 3 years ago

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Riot Fest 2021: 9/16-9/19, Douglass Park

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Much like Pitchfork Music Festival earlier this month, this past weekend’s Riot Fest felt relatively normal. Arriving at Douglas Park every day, you were greeted by the usual deluge of attendees in Misfits t-shirts and dyed hair, the sound of faint screams and breakneck guitars and drums emanating from nearby stages. The abnormal aspects of the fest, at least as compared to previous incarnations, we’re already used to by now from 2021 shows: To get in, you had to show proof of vaccination and/or a negative test no older than 48 hours, which means that unvaxxed 4-day attendees had to get multiple tests. Props to the always awesome staff at Riot Fest for actually checking the cards against the names on government-issued IDs.

For a festival that dealt with a plethora of last-minute changes due to bands dropping out because of COVID-19 caution (Nine Inch Nails, Pixies, Dinosaur Jr.) or other reasons (Faith No More/Mr. Bungle because of concerns around Mike Patton’s well-being), there were very few bumps in the road. Whether Riot Fest had bands like Slipknot, Anthrax, or Rise Against in their back pocket as replacements or not, it very much felt like who we saw Thursday-Sunday was always supposed to be the lineup, even when laying your eyes on countless “Death to the Pixies” shirts. Sure, one of the fest’s main gimmicks--peeling back the label on Goose Island’s Riot Fest Sucks Pale Ale to reveal the schedule--was out of date with inaccurate set times and bands, and it still would have been so had Faith No More and Mr. Bungle stayed, since Fucked Up had to drop out last minute due to border issues. But the festival, as always, rolled with the punches.

The sets themselves offered the circle pit and crowdsurfing-inducing punk and metal you’re used to, with a few genre outliers. For so many bands of all styles, Riot Fest represented their first live show in years, and a few acts knew the exact number of days since their last show. For every single set, the catharsis in the crowd and on stage was palpable, not exactly anger, or elation, but pure release.

Here were our favorite sets of the festival, in chronological order.

WDRL

Last October, WDRL (which, amazingly, stands for We Don’t Ride Llamas) announced themselves with a Tweet: “y’all been looking for an alt black band,, well here you go”. A band of Gen Z siblings, Chase (lead guitar), Max (lead vocals), Blake (drums), and Kit Mitchell (bass guitar), WDRL is aware, much like Meet Me @ The Altar (who, despite my hyping, I couldn’t make it in time to see) that they’re one of too few bands of POCs in the Riot Fest-adjacent scene. Their set, one of the very first of the weekend during Thursday’s pre-party, showed them leading by example, the type of band to inspire potentially discouraged Black and brown folks to start punk bands. Max is a terrific vocalist, able to scream over post-punk, scat over funk, and coo over slow, soulful R&B swayers with the same ease. The rest of the band was equally versatile, able to pivot on a dime from scuzzy rock to hip hop to twinkling dream pop. Bonus points for covering Splendora’s “You’re Standing On My Neck”, aka the Daria theme song.

Joyce Manor

Joyce Manor’s self-titled debut is classic. The best part of it as an album play-through at a festival? It’s so short that you can hear it and you’ll still have half a set for other favorites. So while the bouncy “Orange Julius”", “Ashtray Petting Zoo”, and ultimate singalong “Constant Headache” were set highlights, the Torrance, CA band was able to burn through lots from Never Hungover Again, Cody, Million Dollars to Kill Me, and their rarities collection Songs From Northern Torrance. Apart from not playing anything from Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired (seriously, am I the only one who loves that record?), Joyce Manor were stellar, from the undeniable hooks of “Heart Tattoo” to the churning power chords of “Catalina Fight Song”. After playing “Christmas Card”, Johnson and company gave one final nod to the original fest cancellation, My Chemical Romance, who were slated to headline 2020, then 2021, and now 2022. If you ever wondered what it would sound like hearing a concise punk band like Joyce Manor take on the bombast of “Helena”, you found out. Hey, it was actually pretty good!

Patti Smith

Behold: a full Patti Smith set! After being shafted by the weather last time around, a sunglasses-laden Smith decided not to fuck around, leading with the inspiring “People Have The Power”, her voice as powerful as I’ve ever heard it. Maybe it was the influence of Riot Fest, but she dropped as many f-bombs as Corey Taylor did during Slipknot’s Sunday night headlining set. After reluctantly signing an adoring crowd member’s copy of Horses, she quipped, “I feel bad for you have to cart that fucking thing around.” It wasn’t just the filthy banter: This was Smith at her most enraptured and incendiary, belting during “Because The Night” and spitting during a “Land/Gloria” medley, reciting stream-of-consciousness hallucinogenic lyrics about the power of escape in the greatest display of stamina the festival had to offer.

Circa Survive

“It feels good to dance,” declared Circa Survive lead singer Anthony Green. The heart and soul of the Philadelphia rock band, who cover ground from prog rock to post-hardcore and emo, Green was in full form during the band’s early Friday set, his falsetto carrying the rolling “The Difference Between Medicine and Poising Is in the Dose” and the chugging “Rites of Investiture”. While the band, too, can throw down, they’re equally interesting when softer and more melodic, Brendan Ekstrom‘s twinkling guitars lifting “Child of the Desert” and “Suitcase”. Ending with the one-two punch of debut Juturna’s introspective “Act Appalled” and Blue Sky Noise’s skyward “Get Out”, Green announced the band would have a new record coming soon, one you hope will cover the sonic and thematic ground of even just those two tracks.

Thrice

Thrice played their first show since February 2020 the same day they’d release their 11th studio album, Horizons/East (Epitaph). To a crowd of fans that came to hear their favorite songs, though, the Irvine, California band knew better than to play a lot of the new record, instead favoring tracks like The Artist in the Ambulance��s spritely title cut and Vheissu standout “The Earth Will Shake”. Yeah, they led with a Horizons/East song making its live debut, the dreamy, almost Deftones-esque “Scavengers”, and later in the set they’d reveal the impassioned “Summer Set Fire to the Rain”. But the set more prominently served to emphasize lead vocalist Dustin Kensrue’s gruff delivery, on “All the World Is Mad” and “in Exile”, the rhythm section’s propulsive playing buoying his fervency. And how about Teppei Teranishi’s finger tapping on “Black Honey”?!? Thrice often favor the slow build-up, but they offered plenty of individually awesome moments.

Smashing Pumpkins

William Patrick Corgan entered the stage to dramatic strings, dressed in a robe, with white face paint except for red hearts under his eyes. He looked like a ghost. That’s pretty much where the semi-serious theatricality ended. The Smashing Pumpkins’ first Chicago festival headlining set in recent memory was the rawest they’ve sounded in a while, counting when they played an original lineup-only set at the United Center a few years back. It was also the most fun I’ve ever seen Corgan have on stage. Though they certainly selected and debuted from their latest electropop turn Cyr, Corgan, guitarist James Iha, drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, guitarist Jeff Schroeder, and company more notably dug deep into the vault, playing Gish’s “Crush” for the first time since 2008, Adore’s “Shame” for the first time since 2010, and Siamese Dream barnburner “Quiet” for the first time since 1994 (!). Best, every leftfield disco jam like set opener “The Colour Of Love”, “Cyr”, and “Ramona” was quickly followed by something heavy and/or recognizable, Chamberlin’s limber drum solos elevating even latter-day material like “Solara”. At one point, Corgan, a self-described “arty fuck,” admitted that years ago he would have opted for more experimental material, but he knew the crowd wanted to hear classics, the band then delving into a gorgeous acoustic version of “Tonight, Tonight”. And while Kate Bush coverer Meg Myers came out to sing Lost Highway soundtrack industrial ditty “Eye”, it was none other than legendary local shredder Michael Angelo Batio who stole the show, joining for the set closer, a pummeling version of Zeitgeist highlight “United States”. Leaning into the cheese looks good on you, Billy.

The Bronx

Credit to L.A. punk rock band The Bronx, playing early on a decidedly cooler Saturday early afternoon, for making me put in my earplugs outside of the photo pit. Dedicating “Shitty Future” to Fucked Up (who, as we mentioned, had to drop out), the entire band channeled Damian Abraham’s energy on piercing versions of “Heart Attack American” as well as “Superbloom” and “Curb Feelers” from their latest album Bronx VI (Cooking Vinyl). Joby J. Ford and Ken Horne’s guitars stood out, providing choppy rhythms on “Knifeman” and swirling solos on “Six Days A Week”.

Big Freedia

The New Orleans bounce artist has Big Diva Energy, for the most part. After her DJ pumped up the crowd to contemporary Southern rap staple “Ayy Ladies” by Travis Porter, Big Freedia walked out and showed that “BDE”, firing through singles like “Platinum” and “N.O. Bounce” as her on-stage dancers’ moves ranged from delicate to earth-shaking. At this point, Freedia can pretty much do whatever she wants, effortlessly segueing between a cover of Drake’s “Nice For What” to “Strut”, her single with electropop DJ Elohim, to a cover of Beyone’s “Formation”. Of course, the set highlight was when she had volunteers from the crowd come up and shake and twerk--two at a time to keep it COVID-safe--all while egging them on to go harder. Towards the end of the set, after performing the milquetoast “Goin’ Looney” from the even-worse-than-expected Space Jam: A New Legacy soundtrack, she pulled out the beloved “Gin in my System”. “I got that gin in my system,” she sang, the crowd singing back, “Somebody gonna be my victim,” a refrain that compositionally not only leaves plenty of room for the thundering bass but is thematically a statement of total power--over sexism, racism, the patriarchy--even in the face of control-altering substances.

Les Savy Fav

During Les Savy Fav’s set, lead singer Tim Harrington at various points--*big breath*--went into the crowd, deepthroated an audience member’s mohawk spike, found a discarded manikin head with a wig on it, revealed the words “deep” and “dish” painted on his thighs and a drawing of a Red Hot on his back, rode a crowd member like a horse, made a headband out of pink tape, donned ski goggles, surfed on top of a door carried by the crowd, squeezed his belly while the camera was on it to make it look like his belly button was singing, and referred to himself as a “slippery eel.” Indeed, the legend of Les Savy Fav’s live show starts and ends with Harrington’s ridiculous antics, as he’s all but out of breath when actually singing dance-punk classics like “Hold On To Your Genre”, “The Sweat Descends”, and “Rome (Written Upside Down)”. We haven’t heard much in terms of new music from Les Savy Fav in over 10 years--their most recent album was 2010′s Root For Ruin--but I could see them and the extremely Aughts genre in general become staples of Riot Fest as albums like Inches, The Rapture’s Echoes, and !!!’s Louden Up Now reach the 20-year mark. Dynamic vocalists, tight bands, and killer grooves: What’s not to love?

State Champs

This set likely wins the award for “most immediate crowd surfers,” which I guess is to be expected when you begin your set with a classic track 1--album 1 combination. “Elevated” is the State Champs number that will cause passers-by to stop and watch a couple songs, the type of song that can pretty much only open or close a set. And because they opened with it, the crowd immediately ramped up the energy. It’s been three years since the last State Champs full-length, Living Proof, so they were in prime position to play some new songs. As such, they performed their bubblegummy “Outta My Head” and “Just Sound” and faithfully covered Fall Out Boy’s “Chicago Is So Two Years Ago” (releasing a studio version earlier this week). But the tracks from The Finer Things and Around the World and Back were, as usual, the highlights, like “All You Are Is History”, “Remedy”, “Slow Burn”, and set closer “Secrets”. At the end of the day, it didn’t entirely matter: The crowd knew every word of every song.

Bayside

Putting State Champs and Bayside back-to-back on the same stage made an easy decision for the many pop-punk bands at Riot Fest. Bayside’s been at it for twice as long, so the breadth of their setlist across their discography is more variable. Moreover, they’ve thrice revisited their discography with acoustic albums of old songs, so even their staples are subject to change. They provided solid versions of Killing Time standouts “Already Gone” and “Sick, Sick, Sick”, Cult’s “Pigsty”, and older songs like their self-titled’s “Montauk” and Sirens and Condolences’ “Masterpiece”. For “Don’t Call Me Peanut”, though, they brought out--*gasp*--an acoustic guitar! It was a rare moment not just for one of the most popular pop punk sets but the festival in general, a breather before Vacancy shout-along “Mary”.

Rancid

“Rancid has always been anti-fascist and anti-racist,” said Tim Armstrong before the band played “Hooligans”. It was nice to hear an explicit declaration of solidarity from the street punks, reminding the crowd what really matters and why we come together to scream and mosh. The band expectedly favored ...And Out Come The Wolves, playing almost half of it, and they perfectly balanced their harder edges with more celebratory ska songs like “Where I’m Going” from their most recent album Trouble Maker (Hellcat/Epitaph). My two favorite moments? The breezy, keyboard-laden “Fall Back Down” from their supremely underrated 2001 album Indestructable, and when they asked the crowd whether they wanted the set to end with “Time Bomb” or “Ruby Soho”. “We have 4 minutes left, and it’s disrespectful to play over your set time,” said Armstrong. It’s easy to see why Rancid continues to make an impression--instrumental and moral--on touring bands new and old.

Run the Jewels

The brilliant hip hop duo are masters of balancing social consciousness with the desire to fuck shit up for fun. Live, the former tends to come in between-song banter, the latter with their actual charismatic, tit-for-tat performances of the songs. However, Run the Jewels also are probably the clearest live performers in hip hop today, Killer Mike and El-P’s words, hypersexual and woke alike, ringing in the ears of audience members who don’t even know the songs. (Looking around, I could see people smiling and laughing at every dick joke, nodding at each righteous proclamation.) Some of the best songs on their most recent album RTJ4 (Jewel Runners/BMG) are perfect for these multitudes. Hearing both RTJ MCs and the backing track of Pharrell Williams and Zack de la Rocha chanting “Look at all these slave masters posin’ on yo’ dollar” on “JU$T” as the rowdy crowd bounced up and down was the ultimate festival moment. For those who had never seen RTJ, it was clear from the get-go, as Killer Mike and EL-P traded bars on “yankee and the brave (ep. 4)” that they’re a unique hip hop act. For the rest of us, it was clear that Run the Jewels keep getting better.

The Gories

It felt a little weird that legendary Detroit trio The Gories were given the first set of the final day--I’d have thought they’d have more draw than that. No matter what, they provided one of the more satisfying and stylistically varied sets of the festival, showcasing their trademark balance of garage punk and blues. Mick Collins and Dan Kroha’s guitar and vocal harmonies were the perfect jangly balance to Peggy O’Neill’s meat and potatoes drumming on “Sister Ann” and “Charm Bag”, while folks less familiar with The Gories were treated to their fantastic covers of Suicide’s “Ghost Rider” and The Keggs’ “To Find Out”. Smells like time for the first Gories album in 20 years!

FACS

I thought it would be ill-fitting to watch a band like FACS in the hot sun, early in the day. Their monochrome brand of post-punk seems better suited for a dimly lit club. But the hypnotic nature of Brian Case’s swirling guitar and Alianna Kalaba’s slinky bass was oddly perfect in a sweltering, faint-inducing heat. Just when you thought you might fade, squalls of feedback and Noah Leger’s odd time signatures picked you back up. Songs from their new album Present Tense (Trouble In Mind) such as “Strawberry Cough” and “XOUT” were emblematic of this push-pull. And everything from the band’s red, white, and black color palate to their lack of stage banter suggested a cool minimalism that was rare at a festival that tends to book more outwardly emotional bands.

Alex G

On one hand, Alex G’s unique combination of twangy alt country and earnest indie rock makes him an outlier at Riot Fest, or at the very least a mostly Pitchfork/occasional Riot Fest type of booking. On the other hand, like a lot of bands at the festival, he has a rabid fanbase, one that knows his back catalog hits, like “Kute”, “Kicker”, and “Bug”, as much as if not more than hyped Rocket and House of Sugar singles, like “Bobby” and “Gretel”. Backed by a band that knows when to be loose and when to tighten up--and the instrumental chops to do so--Alex G was better than he was a Pitchfork three years ago. He still sings through his teeth, making it especially hard to hear him on louder tunes such as “Brick”. But when the honesty of his vocals combines with the dreamy guitars of “Southern Sky” and circular melodies of “Near”, it’s pure bliss.

HEALTH

The formula for the LA industrial noise band has pretty much always been Jake Duzsik’s soft vocals contrasting John Famiglietti’s screeching bass and pedals and BJ Miller’s mammoth drums. Both in 2018 and Sunday at Riot Fest, the heat affected Famiglietti’s pedals, which were nonetheless obscured by tarp. Or so HEALTH claimed: You wouldn’t know the difference given how much their sound envelops your whole body during one of their live sets. Since their previous appearance at the festival, the prolific band has released two new records on Loma Vista, Vol. 4: Slaves of Fear and collaboration record Disco4: Part 1. Songs from those records occupied half of their excellent set, including battering opener “GOD BOTHERER”, “BODY/PRISON”, and “THE MESSAGE”. It was so wonderfully loud it drowned out K.Flay’s sound check drummer, thank the lord.

Thursday

Last time Thursday played Riot Fest, Geoff Rickly was battling heroin addiction, something he talked about during the band’s triumphant late afternoon set on Sunday. He mentioned the kindness of the late, great Riley Gale of Power Trip in extending a helping hand when he was down and extended his love to anybody in the crowd or even the world at large going through something similar. To say that this set was life-affirming would be an understatement; after 636 days of no shows, Rickly was at his most passionate. He introduced “Signals Over The Air” as a song the band “wrote about men beating up on women in the pit,” that a record exec at the time told them that it wouldn’t age well because he thought--no kidding--sexism would eventually end. Rickly’s voice, suffering from sound issues last time around, simply soared during Full Collapse’s “Cross Out The Eyes”, No Devolucion’s “Fast to the End”, and two inspired covers: Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark” and Texas Is The Reason’s “If It's Here When We Get Back It's Ours”. The latter the band played because TITR guitarist Norman Brannon’s actually on tour with them, though Rickly emphasized the influence the NYC post-hardcore greats had on Thursday when they first started. Never forgetting where they’ve come from, with self-deprecating humor and radical empathy, Thursday are once again a force.

Devo

Much like the B-52′s in 2019, Devo was the set this year of a 70′s/80′s absurd punk band with some radio hits that everybody knows but with a swath of die-hard fans, too. It’s safe to say both groups were satisfied. You walked around the fest all day wondering whether the folks wearing Devo hats were actual fans or doing it for the novelty. By the time the band actually took the stage after a career-spanning video of their many phases, it didn’t really matter, because it was clear the band still had it, Mark and Bob Mothersbaugh and Gerald Casale’s vocals booming throughout a massive crowd. They ripped through “Peek-a-Boo”, “Going Under”, “That’s Good”, “Girl U Want”, and “Whip It”, which caused the fans waiting for Slipknot (and presumably some Devo heads) to form a circle pit. And that was all before the first costume change. Mark passed out hats to the crowd, fully embracing converts who might have only known “Whip It”. The feverish chants of “Uncontrollable Urge” and synth freakouts of “Jocko Homo” whipped everyone into a frenzy. And the band performed the “Freedom Of Choice” theme song for the first time since the early 80′s! I had seen Devo before, opening for Arcade Fire and Dan Deacon at the United Center, but the atmosphere at Riot Fest was more appropriately ludicrous.

Flaming Lips

“The Flaming Lips are the most COVID-safe band in the world,” went the ongoing joke, as throughout the pandemic they’d give audience members bubbles for their bubbles to be able to play shows. The normally goofy and interactive band scaled back for Riot Fest. Before launching into their traditional opener “Race For The Prize”, Wayne Coyne explained that while the band is normally proud of where they come from--Oklahoma City--they’re saddened by the local government’s ignorant pandemic response and wouldn’t risk launching balloons or walking into the crowd because they might be virus spreaders coming from such an under-vaccinated area. To his and the band’s credit, they wore masks during the performance, even when singing; Coyne removed his only when outside of his bubble that had to be deflated and inflated many times and that sometimes muffled his singing voice even more than a mask. Ever the innovative band, they still put on a stellar show. Coyne autotuned his voice on “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1″, making it another instrument filling the song’s glorious pop melodies. Less heavy on props, the band favored a glitchy, psychedelic setlist that alternated between beauty (”Flowers Of Neptune 6″, “Feeling Yourself Disintegrate”, “All We Have Is Now”) and two-drummed cacophony (“Silver Trembling Hands”, “The W.A.N.D.”). They’ll give a proper Lips show soon enough, but in the meantime, it was nice to see them not run through the motions.

Slipknot

Apart from maybe moments of Slayer, I’ve never witnessed a headliner at Riot Fest as heavy as Slipknot was. Even the minor ethereal elements present on their most recent and very good album We Are Not Your Kind, like the chorus of voices during “Unsainted”, were all but abandoned live in favor of straight up brutality. Sure, there were moments of theatricality--Corey Taylor’s menacing laugh on “Disasterpiece” and pyrotechnics in sequence with the instrumentation on “Before I Forget” and “All Out Life”--but for the most part, Slipknot was the ultimate exorcism. Taylor’s new mask, with unnaturally circular eyes, seemed like it came from a particularly uncomfortable skit from I Think You Should Leave. They bashed a baseball bat to a barrel during the pre-encore performance of “Duality”. And the songs played from tape, like the gasping-for-breath “(515)”, were designed to contrast Slipknot’s alien appearance with qualities that were uncannily human. For a band whose performances and instrumental dexterity are otherworldly--who else can pull off tempo changes over a hissing, Aphex Twin-like shuffling electronic beat on “Eyeless”--the pure seething emotion on songs like “Psychosocial” and “Wait and Bleed” shone through. Like Smashing Pumpkins, and like so many other successful Riot Fest headliners, Slipknot abandoned drama for pure, unadulterated dirt.

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leigh-kelly · 7 years ago

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119. Stop ignoring me

A continuation of this.

Class starts, and Brittany is kind of a wreck about it. Even her basic intro to women’s studies class is a lot for her, and she’s made it a point not to rely on Santana for help with every little thing. She wishes a lot of the time that her brain worked the same as other people’s, even if that fact that it doesn’t makes her a math prodigy, and she’s religious and taking notes of every little thing the professor says. She knows Santana has impeccable notes, but she wants to pull her own weight this time, she wants them to be able to converse more about the material than just have Santana teach it to her.

The weekend after class starts, Santana has made plans to meet up with Marley. She asks Brittany to come with her, and because Brittany knows how nervous she is, she agrees to go. She hates that Santana gets so insecure about friendships, but she gets it. She’s had no close friends in her life, and Marley has been her best friend for so long in a totally different way. It must be weird to think about meeting someone you know so well, yet have never actually met.

“You almost ready, Babes?” Brittany asks, pulling a long shirt over her leggings.

“Yeah, I guess so. The transit app says it’ll take thirty-two minutes to get up there, so we should really get out of here soon.”

“I’m all set. Just want to kiss you quick before you go.”

“You’re so good about that.” Santana approaches where Brittany stands, and kisses her on the lips. “Good?”

“Really good, thanks for that.”

They head uptown on the subway, and Santana holds Brittany’s hand. She looks really cute in her “sometimes detectives marry medical examiners, get over it” t-shirt, and Brittany smiles. She loves that Santana is this way, she really can’t even get over it. She’s never dated a girl who is a total self-professed nerd before, and it’s probably the cutest thing she’s ever experienced. She loves that she’s proud of her things she does, and she’s really glad she’s finally going to meet Marley, the girl who’s been by her side through high school bullies and family drama, and everything else.

When they get to the restaurant up by Columbia—since Santana felt it was only right that they went up there, seeing that Marley is new to the city—Santana is fidgety. Marley isn’t there yet, and they get a table by the window. Santana orders a Diet Coke, and Brittany sticks with water as they peruse the menu. When Marley walks in, Santana stands up and grins. Brittany sees it, it’s like all her nerves dissipated, and the two of them embrace, crying tears of happiness after so many years of friendship.

“Marls, this is Britt.”

“C’mere and give me a hug!” Marley chirps. “I feel like even though we’ve only Skyped a couple times, I know you.”

“That’s what happens when your girlfriend is practically a famous lesbian blogger.” Brittany laughs, hugging her.

“Britt, I’m not famous, I only have like...five thousand followers.”

“She’s totally famous.” Marley rolls her eyes playfully. “As are you, after being the subject of the dream fangirl story.”

“Definitely went from being the hot girl down the hall to Santana’s real actual girlfriend, and I’ll take it.”

“So.” Santana sits down, and Brittany knows she wants to change the topic of conversation. “How’s Columbia, Ivy League.”

“You have got to stop calling me that. I love it. I mean, the gen ed classes I have to take kind of suck, but I love my history professors, and I love finally being in the city.”

“I know, how much better is it than small town life?”

“Not walking down the block feeling like I have a giant L tattooed on my forehead is pretty much the best thing ever. I didn’t believe it when you told me last year, but seriously, I can be out and not feel like a total outcast.”

“I feel that way too. And I’m telling you, you know how much better I felt being with Britt at the fair in Lima over the summer than I ever would have been able to feel before. It’s like a shift in your psyche.”

“It’s only been two weeks and I feel it. Not that I’m ready to rush back home any time soon.”

“How’s your mom holding up?” Santana asks, and Brittany knows that Marley was raised by a single mom too, but unlike Santana, has no father in the picture.

“She misses me. God, I feel like I’ve been so busy since I got here that I’ve hardly even been able to fill you in on everything. She lost like, ten pounds total now though, so she’s sticking to her diet, and I think she’s doing really great.”

“That’s so good! I know how worried you were about it.”

“I just want to keep her around as long as I can, you know?”

“I totally get that.”

“Jeeze, it’s so weird to actually be sitting here with you in person. My roommate asked me how I knew you, and I like, totally drew a blank of what to even say.”

“Britt’s the only one who knows the true story. Not that anyone’s really asked me, but still. I would totally freak if I had to explain our friendship.”

“We totally need to come up with an official story about it, now that we can finally hang out all the time.”

“You have to come down and see our campus.” Brittany interjects, not really wanting to interrupt. “We can get a blowup mattress or something, and you can spend the night.”

“That would be so cool. Fangirl slumber party. Brittany, are you finally caught up on Rizzoli and Isles?”

“We’re working on it.” Santana laughs. “I’m trying to make her understand the crazy.”

“I think I get it so far. They’re super cute together, and since Santana narrates, it makes it even better.”

“You’ve totally got the best narrator.”

Santana and Marley catch up for about two hours, and Brittany can tell that when it’s time for them to go, she’s a little bummed. But they make plans to see each other again, and Brittany wants to make sure she knows that she doesn’t always have to be a part of it. She sees her friends without Santana, and she wants Santana to have that too. They spend tons of time together, especially now that they live together, and Santana should have the opportunity to nerd out with Marley without feeling like Brittany needs to be invited.

When they get back on the subway, Santana lays her head on Brittany’s shoulder and plays with her fingers. She’s oddly affectionate, considering they’re in public, but Brittany definitely doesn’t complain about it. She has a problem with gross displays of affection, but a sweet little snuggle on the train is totally okay in her world. When they hit thirty-fourth street, Santana finally decides to talk, and she lifts her head up to look at Brittany.

“Thank you so much for coming with me today. I’m sure that was super boring for you, so I wanted you to know how much I appreciate it.”

“It wasn’t boring, I like seeing you happy.”

“Really? Because I know we talked a lot, and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to start yelling stop ignoring me!”

“No, please. But I also don’t want you to feel like you have to invite me out every time you hang out with Marley. Seriously, I have my own friends, you should be able to have yours too.”

“I guess I’ve just never done the balancing thing. I love hanging out with you all the time, so it’ll feel weird to not hang out with you on the weekends.”

“Still though, it’s good. You don’t always come when I hang out with Artie and everyone, and you having your own sounding board is really important. What if you want to complain about me?”

“You never give me anything to complain about, seriously.”

“Oh, come on, we both have little things that bug us about each other. That’s normal.”

“Why, do you talk about me to your friends?”

“I don’t, but I’m just saying, if you need to do it, that’s okay.”

“I love you a lot, you know.”

“I do know it.” Brittany smiles. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Really?”

“Really, really. You’re so good. I’m amazed by how much you love me every day.”

“Please, like anyone could be as amazed as I am? Britt, when we met in the park that day, the last thing I ever thought was that someone like you would be interested in someone like me. I figured you’d want to be study buddies at best, I didn’t think a year later we’d be living together and in love.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s always saying love stories are real?”

“Yeah, but like, on my blog so the young lesbians don’t feel so alone in the world. I didn’t think love was going to be a thing that happened for me, so I created stories, you know?”

“It was only a matter of time before someone got lucky enough to sweep you off your feet.” Brittany stands up at their stop, and puts her hand on the side of the doorway to make sure Santana has time to get off the train. “You’re some kind of catch. Beautiful, brilliant, and with the best kind of heart.”

“Britt...”

“Babes, for real.” They skip up the stairs together at Canal Street. “And I think it’s so cool that I got to be part of you meeting your best friend today.”

“Marls is really, really good. God, Britt, when we were kids both living in our lonely little small town worlds, I never thought we’d get the opportunity to be real world friends. I mean, to be honest, if I thought we would ever know each other off the internet, she’d probably know a hell of a lot less about me.”

“Why?”

“Because I definitely wouldn’t have opened up to someone in the real world, I don’t know. That’s probably part of the reason I never had friends, I never even wanted to try to let anyone close to me.”

“I get that though, if you were teased so mercilessly, why would you want to let anyone in?” Brittany asks, as she fishes her ID out of her wallet so they can get into the building.

“I guess that’s the thing, like, she knew about all the teasing and the slushies and the dumb stuff. It seemed really easy to open up when it was behind a computer. I mean, I made a post one day, she replied, and I didn’t even know what she looked like for almost a year after we started messaging each other every day.”

“I’m such a tactile person, I can’t imagine making a friend like that, but I’m so glad that worked for you. I don’t like thinking about you having absolutely no one in the world and feeling hopelessly lonely.”

“That’s how I was before Marley.” Santana finally gets her ID out too, and they walk through security and to the elevator, pressing the up button. “It’s not a made up thing that there are kids who really sit in the cafeteria alone.”

“Oh, no, I know. I may have been a cheerleader and always had a place to sit, but I tried not to exclude people. There was this girl Becky at my school, and I bought her a cupcake at a bake sale one day. Turns out, once she made the cheerleading squad she became a total bitch, but before that, I felt bad that she was alone.”

“It’s the worst fucking feeling. I think it’s a trauma I’m never going to get over. I’d have to scope out the least conspicuous spot in the cafeteria to sit with my book, and pretend like I didn’t want to sit with anyone else. Meanwhile, I’d be dying inside every day, and then I’d have to convince my mom that I wasn’t a total loser.”

“Babes.” Brittany frowns, unlocking the door to their dorm room, and sliding off her shoes the way Santana likes. “I would have sat with you if I went to your high school.”

“I actually believe you when you say that. But it’s better we didn’t meet in high school. I’m glad we met just like this.”

“Yeah, I mean, the whole choosing a college with your high school girlfriend gets weird, and then people judge you. No one seems to do that about your college girlfriend.”

“I think my dad’s judging me a little. He’s just trying to keep me from getting derailed.” Santana sits down at her desk, and opens up her computer, looking at the notifications on the pictures she posted from their afternoon with Marley.

“I’m not going to derail you. If you ever feel like I am, tell me. I want you to do your thing, and apply to amazing programs, and study abroad if you want to. You’re so, so gifted Santana, and I don’t want anything, especially not me, to stop you.” Brittany massages her shoulders from behind, and smiles as Santana replies to comments on her post.

“I don’t want to study abroad, I know that. And we’ve still got three years before the next step in my educational endeavors happens. You can’t get me pregnant, so I think we’re all good.”

“I don’t love that your dad is so concerned about it.”

“My parents are weird about love. Obviously, they had a failed marriage, neither of them have remarried, they’re just skeptical, I guess.”

“Are you?” Brittany asks, and Santana turns around in her chair.

“I was, at first. But no, I’m really not anymore. I love you, and you love me, and just because my parents’ marriage sucks doesn’t mean that I won’t find happiness with someone. I mean, I’m not saying we’re going to get married or anything, that’s like, years and years outside of my consciousness right now. But I’m just saying that I’m really content, and it’s important to me.”

“I’m content too. Being with you grounds me in a way I’ve never been grounded before, and I appreciate it a lot.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Santana. This whole living together thing is already even better than I thought. I love it.”

“I love it too, a lot.”

“Good, then it’s totally working out according to plan.”

#brittana #nyu!au

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beatricethecat2 · 7 years ago

Text

one step forward, two steps back (v2.0) - 1

Way back when, last December, to be exact, I gifted a fic to @apparitionism for the B&W Secret Santa extravaganza. I'd threatened a second part, which is nearly ready to go, but before that I needed to do some housecleaning on the first story (thank you appy for pointing out issues.) So I'm starting over by posting an edited version of this story then moving on to a six chapter "part two" that fixes everything. I’ll be posting new chapters regularly, maybe every other day if I can mange, just to get this out of my system.

NOTE: This story is an inbetweener - set after episode 4.8 “Second Chance” (the one when Mrs. F tells Helena to disappear with the astrolabe) but before 4.9 “The Ones We Love.”

/////////////////

As the loudspeaker crackles to life, Myka pushes herself up into sitting position and snuggles further into her coat. She glances to the side at Pete, still lying next to her, sprawled across three whole seats. He hasn’t moved an inch since she dozed off.

“Pete,” she says, more as a puff of air than a name.

No response.

“Pete,” she repeats, louder, adding a poke to the arm.

“Ggnah,” he grunts, flinching but holding his position.

“Get up. Our gate’s moved.”

“Fivemoreminutes,” he mumbles, pulling the hood of his jacket over his eyes.

“Fine,” she says through a yawn and stretches her neck to the left then right. “I’m going to go clean up. Be ready when I get back.” She shoots Pete a stern eye, but he’s already dozed off. She’ll wake him for real when she gets back.

She navigates out of the waiting area, past the meager breakfast options, thinking there better be better coffee by their new gate. Spying signs for the facilities, she strides towards the ladies but is thrown off by a hand grabbing her elbow. She's swept into the family restroom, and as the door slams shut, she spins around and pins her abductor to its back. She’s not in the mood for detour, nor a new mystery to solve, she really, really just wants to get home.

“We must stop meeting like this,” the woman chokes out, one hand tugging at Myka’s forearm, the other clicking the lock closed.

“H.G.?” Myka says, lowering her arm. “What are you doing here?"

Helena holds Myka’s gaze as she rubs her neck. Myka’s unsettled by the anxious look in her eyes.

“Are you ok? Where have you been? Why were you following us—“

Helena’s lips halt Myka's words, one hand tangling into thick curls, tugging her close. Seconds later, Helena pulls back, and Myka lists forward but is met by Helena’s forehead instead of her mouth.

"I’m meant to trust no one. No one at all. You cannot tell a soul you've seen me," Helena says, looking down at her hands, turning them over, flexing her fingers repeatedly. "Irene will be livid.”

Myka stiffens at the mention of Mrs. Frederic, her eyes following Helena as she paces the tiny room.

“I tried, you see, tried, but I can’t fix this on my own,” Helena says, muttering almost to herself.

“Fix what?” Myka asks but gets no response.

Helena examines her hands again as her steps become erratic.

"Fix what?" Myka repeats and steps into Helena's path.

Helena bumps into Myka and looks up, her eyes round and wild. Acting on impulse, Myka leans forward and presses her lips to Helena’s, just as Helena did before.

This time, the kiss lingers, and Myka's libido thrums awake. Helena soft, warm lips are full of everything she’s been missing since their glorious night together after Sykes. Her hands rise to circle Helena’s biceps, then skim down to her elbows, but Helena gently pushes her away.

“You got stuck. In your head. I thought kissing you might help.”

“If only that were the remedy,” Helena says, her lips curling up slowly at the ends. “One more for good measure couldn't hurt."

Myka smirks, crookedly, and walks Helena back, pinning her to the wall, palms pressing into tiles on either side of her head. She dips forward and kisses Helena, properly, lips squarely aligned, her arousal soaring as Helena presses their bodies together.

“Mykes, you in there?” Pete bellows, too few moments later.

Helena growls at the interruption and as Myka looks away, presses her lips into the twist of Myka's neck. Myka gasps at the pressure, head tilting instinctively towards Helena, Pete already forgotten about at the door.

“Mykes?”

“Don’t answer,” Helena grumbles, her breath exciting already sensitized skin.

“I know you're in there because I already checked the ladies.“

Myka looks towards the door, but Helena cups her jaw and guides her back, pressing her lips into tender spot behind Myka's ear.

“Listen, Artie’s on the line. We got a ping. He wants to talk to both of us—“

“Ow!” Myka yelps, her body collapsing forward, temple hitting the wall. “Why’d you do that?” she says, rubbing brow while looking around the room for Helena.

“You talkin' to me?” Pete asks.

"No," Myka answers, grimacing at Helena, now standing next to her scowling, arms crossed over her chest.

“Maybe I should come in there to, you know, avoid prying eyes?”

“Gimme a minute,” Myka says, taking a step back, squinting Helena. “How hard did I hit my head? You’re kinda...glowing.”

Helena clasps her hands in front of her and straightens her spine while breathing out a heavy sigh.

Myka's eyes widen as the gravity of the situation dawns on her.

“You see the issue—"

“Artie's getting waaay testy out here!” Pete says, rattling the door handle.

“I must go.”

“Helena, wait!” Myka lunges as Helena steps away, but her hand passes completely through her.

“Once this is resolved, I’ll look forward to further pleasantries, but for now..." Helena says, spinning around to face Myka. She bows humbly, then disappears through a solid wall.

------------------

After a grouchier than usual talk with Artie, Myka and Pete are rerouted to Schenectady to meet with a curator from the Museum of Science and Innovation. Myka half-listens as Pete takes the investigative lead; her mind caught up in solving Helena's predicament.

How can she fix an after-effect from the coin? Her first priority is to locate it, then neutralize it, because maybe it wasn't neutralized properly in the first place...

“So this Photophone,” she interjects when she senses Pete faltering, "it was a donation?”

“Yes. We think it's the original GE prototype, from the twenties,” the curator says and hands Myka a photo.

Myka glances at the image, then at the item in front of her. She stares at it for a long moment as if concentrating, but her thoughts slip back to the orb. What if it’s not at the Warehouse? What if the coin's being used again?

“Was it, like, missing stuff, when you stuck it together?” Pete says, elbowing Myka when she doesn’t continue.

“We recreated several parts.”

Myka raises a brow and Pete smiles.

“Can you show us the schematics and identify which pieces?”

“Sure. Follow me.”

------------------

After a lengthy pow wow with Claudia and a swift interview with the donor of the machine, it’s determined several boxes from the donation went in error to a charity shop instead of the museum. A quick visit to the drop off location reveals the boxes were sent to a sorting center, so after obtaining directions, Pete drives to a warehouse just off the highway.

"This place is massive,” Pete says as he pulls into the parking lot. "How are we going to find anything in there?”

“Maybe donations are sorted by date?” Myka says while exiting the car. Her confidence fades as she passes lumps of tarped goods lining the walkway to the building.

They flash their badges at the front desk, and the guard waves them through.

"Is there someone else we can ask for help?” Myka says.

"Nope. Weekend," he says, eyes barely leaving the moving image on his phone. "Place is yours. Knock yourselves out.”

They walk through a wide doorway lined with vertical plastic strips then out onto the main floor.

"This place is in-sane," Pete says as he scans the sea of boxes, bags, and furniture before them.

"Yeah," Myka says.

"At least we know it's a vase."

“It’s a horn."

"But the old lady kept flowers in it."

"It shapes sound, Pete. Here take the picture."

“Brass funnel?" Pete says, with a wink.

Myka rolls her eyes and gives him a push. “Let's split up. Yell if you find anything."

Pete gives a two finger salute then marches to the other side of the room.

Myka meanders in the opposite direction, sifting lightly through piles and jumps as her coat pocket vibrates. Her cell and her Farnsworth are in her jeans pockets, so she’s unsure of what it possibly could be.

She maneuvers the pocket, so it opens toward the floor and shakes it until something falls out. Recognizing the shape, she bends down to inspect it and sees a post-it attached, reading “Give to Claudia” in flowing script.

Her stomach sinks a little because of course, the kiss was for this…then again Helena probably panicked when she felt herself fading. But Helena’s lips against her neck, her hand resting on the small of her back, that was out of want for a real connection. The flutter in her heart tells her so.

The phone vibrates again, and the screen lights up as text appears under the post-it. She picks up the device and peels off the note.

- Hello? the screen reads.

No caller ID, but it must be Helena.

- Are you ok?

- I think so

- Where are you?

- I’m not sure

- What do you see?

- Books, movies, CDs. The Fly on DVD, but no Metamorphosis?

- You’re in a store?

- An apartment

- There must be a reason you’re there

- I see a note

A note? Helena said she trusted no one, so who would leave a note? She scans the room for Pete to ensure he's otherwise occupied and wracks her brain for people Helena might trust. She begins to worry when no new text appears.

- What does it say?

Still no response. Maybe Helena's a hologram again? She did dematerialize rather suddenly earlier. As she scrolls through, reviewing their short conversation, something dawns on her. Helena's phrasing is off, and the book and movie comparisons are odd, both date from after she was bronzed.

- Emily?

Myka holds her breath, praying she’s wrong.

- To whom am I speaking?

Myka closes her eyes and rubs the bridge of her nose. This is getting more complicated than it needs to be.

- Agent Bering. Do you remember me?

- The secret service agent?

- Yes

- Am I hiding from that evil man?

- No. He’s gone. You’re safe

- Oh thank goodness. He frightened me

- I know. I’m sorry. What does the note say?

Myka flicks her eyes around the room as dots animate in a speech bubble, noting Pete’s new location.

- Under no circumstances may you use the phone nor leave the flat. Wait here for my return. Food is available in the refrigerator

- That sounds like Helena

- Helena? The person those evil men thought I was?

- Yes

- She has lovely penmanship

Myka smiles. Emily's a schoolteacher no matter the circumstances.

- Why am I here?

- It sounds like you’re safe. Do what Helena says

- I don’t understand

- Hang tight. I’ll figure out where you are and meet you. Don’t call or text anyone except me

- Could you bring Dickens?

Myka grimaces; of course, she’d want her cat.

- I’ll see what I can do

- Do you know where he is?

- I’ll look into it

When no new message appears, she slips the phone into her pocket, but it vibrates again.

- I’m scared.

- You’re safe. Please stay put. Do what Helena says

- You’ll take care of me, won’t you?

- I will. Leave a note for Helena. Tell her what we talked about

- Why? Can’t I tell her in person?

- You might be asleep when she gets back

It’s a weak answer, but she hopes it works.

- I am tired

- Everything’s going to be ok. Ok?

- Thank you Agent Bering.

- Call me Myka

- Thank you Myka

Myka chews her lip as she waits for further response, not trusting Emily to be done just yet. It's terrifying to be alone in an unfamiliar place and Emily’s searching for a connection, she gets that. After a few moments of silence, she tucks the phone away and turns her attention back to the search.

—————————

First thing in the B&B, Myka hunts for Claudia and finds her, hunkered down in the living room, in the midst of an all-night movie marathon with Steve. Instead of approaching her, she stands in the doorway, mulling over options, not wanting to raise suspicions, as the Brother Adrian situation has everyone on high alert. But she needs to pull Claudia out of there, pronto, as Helena's situation's only going to get worse—

She startles as a hand touches her shoulder.

“Everything ok?”

“Hey, Leena, hi,” Myka says, spinning around to greet Leena. "Yep. All good."

“Can I get you anything?” Leena's smile dims as she takes in Myka’s aura.

“Thanks, but…I’m, uh, beat. I’m going to turn in." Myka stumbles over her words as her pocket vibrates.

“Let me know if you need anything. Even just to talk.”

“Thanks,” Myka says. She tempers her gait as she walks towards the stairs then rushes up, running head first into Pete at the top.

“Wheres the fire?” Pete says, bending back, waving his hands.

“Shower. Now," Myka replies, pointing to her door.

“Movie time de-nied.”

“I need today to be over. And yesterday. The past few days.”

“But you’re missing out on some sweeeet—"

“Don’t,” Myka snaps, thrusting her hand over Pete's lips, squeezing them shut with her fingers.

Pete peels her hand off his mouth. “You're just sore because I won. I found the funnel.”

“Horn, Pete. For the millionth time, it was a horn.”

“Whatevs. I scored, and you flopped. So there.” He leans forward, hands on hips, and sticks out his tongue.

“A guilt trip’s not going to work."

“Party pooper,” Pete says, index fingers pointed toward Myka, thumbs moving as if shooting a gun. He then jumps down the stairs.

Myka sighs tiredly then enters her room. She closes the door and locks it, then slips Helena’s phone out of her pocket.

- I apologize for that woman earlier

Myka collapses on the bed, relieved it’s Helena and not Emily.

- How long has this been happening?

- Since shortly after I was released. It began as a mere suggestion but lately has taken a turn for the worst

- Can I call you?

- Is the area secure?

- I think so. I’m in my room

- Not there. Outside

- It’s 1AM

- Sneak out

- Everyone's watching movies downstairs

- Have you spoken with Claudia?

- No. We literally just got back

As she waits for a reply, Myka scoots back on the bed. When none comes, she pushes on.

- Where are you?

- Safe. If that woman stays put. She's a menace to society

- She’s scared. She doesn’t know what's going on

- I understand, but she's a security risk

- I'll talk to Claudia as soon as I can. We’ll find the coin and fix this

- Do you know where it is?

- No. Do you?

- I’ve looked, but I’m afraid not

- You said Mrs. F would be angry. Why?

Seconds pass with no reply. That must have flipped the off switch. Is she not answering on purpose? If so, why?

- I don't know a Mrs. F and who's Claudia? Is she the menace to society?

Emily. Myka grits her teeth and closes her eyes, rubbing circles in her temple with her fingers.

- These texts say something’s happening. What's happening? Why am I holding the phone?

Myka hesitates, tumbling through possible explanations.

- And why am I wearing skinny jeans?

Myka smirks at that.

- Helena was just there

- I didn’t see her. Should I look for her outside?

- NO. Stay there

- No need to yell

- Sorry. How are you feeling?

- Blurry

- Eat something. Rest. Helena will be back soon

Myka's stomach twists at the lie, but it came out unthinkingly. Then again Helena will be back, just occupying her body, or rather Helena’s body.

- I’d like to meet her if she’s no longer endangering my life

- She's not

- Will you be coming soon?

Her fingers hover over the keyboard; Helena’s right, she is a security risk, so whatever it takes to keep her there, she’s game.

- I will. Hang tight

- Thank you

- Get some rest

Myka drops the phone onto her pillow and closes her eyes. She needs to talk with Claudia, now, which means movie time is no longer de-nied.

------------------------

Myka showers to keep up appearances, her mind toggling between heated kisses and Helena’s dire situation. As she emerges, she lunges towards her vibrating phone and hits accept as she attempts a one-handed towel wrap.

“Helena?”

“Did I wake you?”

“You said this wasn’t secure."

“I’ll call later if—“

“Don’t hang up.”

Myka’s stomach flutters the line quiets, thrilled to hear Helena’s voice, but fearful of what she might say next.

"I’ve no control over whatever this is.”

“It’s getting worse, isn’t it."

“I’m afraid so."

"I’ll go get Claudia. We have to fix this before…"

The thought withers as neither party jumps complete it.

“Do you remember being Emily?”

“Not a thing. Though she is quite the pain in my arse."

“Why?”

“She acts like a petulant child, notes littered everywhere: why this, why that, ad nauseam. And can you please tell me why she's so offended by my attire?”

Myka snickers. “She likes cardigans. And floral prints. Bright colors. Her tastes are...different from yours.”

Helena doesn’t respond, but her disdain seeps through the line.

“Where are you?”

“A rental.”

“I told Emily I’d meet her.”

“Don't. It’s best you stay away.”

“But—"

"Once this rigamarole is sorted, I’d very much like to see you. But now..."

“I’d like to see you, too,” Myka says, her pulse quickening at the thought. “Try to stay solid and, um…yourself. I’ll be in touch, soon.”

-TBC-

#BERING AND WELLS #w13 #fan fic #fix it #season 4 #Myka Bering #Helena HG Wells #emily lake #i'm really excited #because part two is the first thing ever #I've written all of and then gone back to edit #but I'm still tweaking the end #but yes it's taken me a year to get that far #(sorry I posted the wrong title at first!)

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daresplaining · 4 years ago

Note

Hi! Your blog is FAN-TAS-TIC! Thanks for all you do. I'd like to know about the instances where Matt has (not permanently) given up on being Daredevil, his reasons and the outcomes. Could you please go over this? Don't know if you have done so before. If you have, can you share the post(s)? I saw one with a panel from Daredevil vol. 1 #49, and I'm not sure if I didn't search correctly, but I couldn't find anything else. Thank you so much!

Hi! Thank you so much! I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog. I know I’ve mentioned this before (here, for instance) but you’re right, I don’t think I’ve ever actually written a full post about it. Let’s fix that!

Matt’s attitude toward his superhero career has varied a little over the years as the series has passed between writers and Matt’s life has gone through its ups and down, but it’s mostly been something that he enjoys and strongly believes in. There have been many times when he has questioned and adjusted Daredevil’s methods and image, but only a few times when he has become so disillusioned with it that he’s decided to stop altogether. These have never lasted long, and as you point out, there’s no way he would ever give it up permanently (not least because the comic is called “Daredevil”). There have been some future-based what-ifs that have shown fully retired Matts (Waid’s story in the 50th anniversary issue is an example), but it’s not something that would ever happen in real time in the ongoing series.

Let’s take a look at the times he's been driven to consider it.

[ID: Excerpt from Lee’s Daredevil run. Matt Murdock, in civvies and seen from the back, walks through a doorway in his apartment, stripping off his jacket.]

Matt: “The greatest girl in all the world was willing to marry me-- by some miracle, Karen was willing to settle for a sightless square like me! But I hadda blow the whole bit! I wasn’t satisfied to live out my life as Matt Murdock, counselor at law-- with Karen always at my side! No! I wanted the excitement-- the glamor-- the adventure of a superhero’s life! Well, here’s one superhero who should’a had his head examined!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #49 by Stan Lee, Gene Colan, and Artie Simek

Matt first considered putting away the tights for the same reason he did a lot of things in the 60s: Karen Page. Matt and Karen’s Stan Lee-era relationship drama was long and tangled, and this particular piece of it is extra complicated: Karen quits her job at Nelson & Murdock because all of the love-triangling with her bosses and their twin brothers has become too much for her and she, understandably, needs a break. Matt mopes around pining for her until Karen decides she misses him too much and returns to the office. He is overjoyed, and the two have their first kiss (after nearly 50 issues of build-up. That’s Silver Age pacing for ya).

[ID: Excerpt from Lee’s run. Karen Page is kneeling down holding beside Matt, holding his sunglasses. She straightens up and puts them on his face.]

Karen: “You-- dropped your glasses-- darling! Let me put them back on for you!”

Matt: “You’ve come back! That means-- you’ve forgiven me!”

Karen: “I couldn’t stay away from you-- any longer!”

[ID: They kiss.]

Daredevil vol. 1 #48 by Stan Lee, Gene Colan, and Artie Simek

Unfortunately, Matt ruins the moment by kicking Foggy and Karen out of the office. Stilt-Man has been hired to assassinate Foggy, and Matt knows he’s on his way-- but of course, he can’t tell Foggy and Karen that, and the three have a huge falling-out. Matt stays behind to successfully repel Stilt-Man, but is angry that his Daredevil career has ruined his relationship with his best friend and the woman of his dreams. He puts the costume down-- for about five seconds, at which point he gets attacked by a giant robot.

The next few issues are really compelling storytelling and deserve their own post, but I’ll summarize their key points here. Matt fights as Daredevil against the robot and its sinister creator, Starr Saxon, forced to continue wearing the costume but determined to put it away at the next opportunity. His resolve is strengthened when he makes peace with Karen and Foggy, and when Saxon kidnaps Karen, Matt puts on the suit for what he tells himself will be the final time. To make the situation even more stressful, he is forced to cope with all this while slowly succumbing to radiation poisoning.

[ID: Excerpt from Thomas’s run. A tired-looking Matt, in civvies and without his sunglasses, is standing over Black Panther, who is unconscious on the ground.]

Matt: “...Now I’ve done it! In my delirium... I struck down the Black Panther! But, the shock cleared my head again! Thank the lord... he’s only stunned! Can’t wait around... to find out why he was looking for DD! ‘Cause now I recall... I left Karen... with Starr Saxon! So, no matter how much I hate the idea... Daredevil must live again!”

[ID: Matt runs away, around the corner of a building.]

Daredevil vol. 1 #52 by Roy Thomas, Barry Windsor-Smith, and Sam Rosen

Matt rescues Karen with the help of Black Panther (who has no hard feelings about delirious Matt bopping him), and he is cured of his poisoning just in time. But there’s still one problem: Starr Saxon has escaped, and he knows Matt is Daredevil. This is Matt’s first major secret identity crisis since the Mike Murdock saga, and after much deliberation, he comes up with a solution:

[ID: Excerpt from Thomas’s run; a panel showing Daredevil standing with a pink-tinged sky behind him.]

Matt: “My problem isn’t Daredevil-- and never was! It was always Matt-- the blind lawyer-- the hapless, helpless invalid! He’s been my plague... since the day I first donned a costume! Then, let Matt Murdock no longer exist!!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #53 by Roy Thomas, Gene Colan, and Artie Simek

He completely changes his mind and decides he’d rather keep his Daredevil identity and scrap Matt Murdock instead. His plan is to “kill” Matt and make himself a new civilian identity-- one that better suits his needs and isn’t as stifling. Obviously, there’s a lot going on here, particularly regarding Matt’s feelings about his blindness and the way he constructed the image of Matt Murdock (which was very much a facade at the time, even more of an act than his DD identity). Matt’s history of rejecting Matt Murdock is actually more prominent than his history of rejecting Daredevil. (I talk a bit more about that in this post.)

The ironic thing about this whole ordeal is that later, after Karen learns about Matt’s double life, she gives him an ultimatum: she will marry him, but only if he stops being Daredevil. Based on everything described above, you’d think Matt would go right ahead and agree to that, since he’d already come to the same conclusion himself. And admittedly, he does at first... but he doesn’t follow through on it. He just, with very little angst, keeps being Daredevil, until Karen gets fed up with him and cancels their engagement. Is this character development on Matt’s part? Has he come to take Karen for granted by that point? Has he grown more attached to the superhero lifestyle than he was before? There’s an interesting conversation to be had surrounding this inconsistency.

Jump forward 80-or-so issues and we find Matt once more questioning his Daredevilling. In volume 1 #127, he gets into a knock-down drag-out brawl with the Torpedo. They’re so caught up in the fight that they crash right into a nearby family’s home without noticing.

[ID: Excerpt from Wolfman’s run. Daredevil and the Torpedo are fighting in the completely destroyed living room of a house. A man, woman, and young kid are cowering around a corner.]

Matt: “Now you’ve done it, smart-man. Now you’ve made me angry. And that’s something I didn’t want to become.”

Man: “I don’t believe it. They aren’t even aware of where they are. The two of them are just fighting-- wrecking everything!”

Woman: “I don’t care about that stuff, Franky. Just you stay here-- with me... and Kenny.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #127 by Marv Wolfman, Bob Brown, and Petra Goldberg

The couple finally manage to get their attention, but not before the house is completely wrecked.

[ID: Excerpt from the same issue as above. The woman from the above scene is yelling at Daredevil with her fists clenched. Daredevil and Torpedo stand there looking upset.]

Woman: “You’ve both stopped. I almost don’t believe that. I’ve heard about you, Daredevil. I’d heard you were some sort of hero who helped people. Hell! What kind of hero are you? What kind of hero?!?”

Matt: “I-- I don’t know what to say. Except-- I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Woman: “I don’t need your apologies. I want both of you out of here. Next time you might not stop at destroying a house. Maybe next time you’ll take my baby, my husband, or maybe me.”

Torpedo: “There won’t be a ‘next time’, lady. I’ve had it. I’m giving up, getting out of here as fast as possible. This isn’t the way I ever wanted it to be. Believe me, lady, this isn’t the way.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #127 by Marv Wolfman, Bob Brown, and Petra Goldberg

This issue was written as a commentary on the way combat is often depicted in superhero comics, with fights that are exhibitions and which create wanton destruction without acknowledging the human impact of the damage. Here, that impact is directly addressed, and even the fight itself is more complex than the standard hero/villain brawl, since the Torpedo is actually a hero trying to complete a mission and who is unable to get Matt to listen to him. The experience is a wake-up call for Matt. He is horrified by his actions and decides again to give up his superhero career.

[ID: An upset Matt Murdock, in civvies (a green collared shirt and blue pants), storms out onto the balcony of his brownstone and leans on the railing, facing out. It is nighttime and the scene is tinted blue.]

Matt: “For the first time in years, I can see things clearly. I wasn’t helping anybody but number one! And, blast it-- it almost took the destruction of an entire family to make me learn the truth! The Torpedo and I were so caught up in the exhilaration of battle, that we didn’t even see we had leveled that family’s home. Not until that woman screamed at us-- and her words slapped us across the face like a wet towel. She saw us laughing as we fought. She heard our snappy repartee as we struggled. We were actually enjoying our fight. And man, that’s grade-A sick! But no more. Even if I am blind, I don’t need to kill someone to see clearly-- Face it, Matthew-- you’ve grown up now. You’ve gotta leave the kid games behind. And being Daredevil was the longest kid-game you’ve ever played!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #128 by Marv Wolfman, Bob Brown, and Michele Wolfman

Oddly, this emotional and impactful story receives no further development. Just a few pages later, Matt hears that Death-Stalker is on the prowl and puts the costume right back on without any angst or second-guessing. The most we get is this funny comment from him in the following issue:

[ID: Two panels from Wolfman’s run. In the first, Daredevil is inside and has one boot up on a table as he finishes putting on his costume. In the second, he is swinging above the city streets at night.]

Matt: “Yeah, I’ve been doing just great these past few months. Makes me want to run out and take a super-hero refresher course somewhere. Though, with my recent luck, I’d probably flunk out! Seems to me that things were much simpler in the good ole days. I’d find a super-foe and smash him to kingdom-come. But these days they’re actually giving our common criminal class some brains to fight back with instead of witless repartee.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #129 by Marv Wolfman, Bob Brown, Klaus Janson, and Michele Wolfman

His next crisis is part of what I consider to be the first major world-destroying Daredevil story, in which, over the course of several issues, every single thing in Matt’s life goes wrong. Debbie Harris, Foggy’s fiancee, is kidnapped. A rapid succession of supervillain fights leaves Matt exhausted and with lingering injuries. He (as Daredevil) is responsible for sending his girlfriend Heather Glenn’s father to prison, before discovering that he was framed by the Purple Man-- who Matt then fails to apprehend. Finally, Matt decides that the only way to restore some kind of order to his life is to tell Heather that he is Daredevil. That way, he’ll at least be able to explain the situation to her. It doesn’t go well.

[ID: Excerpt from McKenzie’s run. The interior of Heather’s apartment. She looks in shock at Matt, who is in the Daredevil costume with the mask off.]

Heather: “Matt-- that costume?! I... I don’t understand. Y-you’re not... you couldn’t be!”

Matt: “Heather, please, let me explain!”

[ID: Heather starts crying. She leans forward in a chair with her hands pressed to her face.]

Heather: “Explain? How can you possibly explain that Matt Murdock, the man I thought I knew... and loved... is Daredevil-- the man responsible for the arrest of my father?! The man who refused to... to help me... when I needed his help most!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #151 by Roger McKenzie, Gil Kane, Klaus Janson, et al.

Mere moments before this conversation, Matt learned that Heather’s father had killed himself in prison, and so he has to top off this already terrible discussion with that bombshell. Distraught, Heather chases Matt out of her apartment, and he goes home and completely breaks down.

[ID: Excerpt from the same issue. Daredevil is standing alone in his apartment. He presses a hand to his head and pulls off his mask. The next panel is a big one of him yelling dramatically with his fists raised.]

Matt: “Daredevil-- the Man Without Fear! What a laugh... What a lousy, stinking joke! I’ve risked my life more times than I care to remember. But for what? I lost everything... and everyone... that ever meant anything at all to me! I--I’m through-- I swear it... Daredevil is no more!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #151 by Roger McKenzie, Gil Kane, Klaus Janson, et al.

He trashes his apartment in his grief and spends the next few days in a haze of depression. Again, though, it doesn’t last long. Matt witnesses a young boy get hit by a hijacked bus, and the shock prompts him to leap back into action as Daredevil. By the end of the issue, the boy is alive and Matt has regained some of his conviction and a sense of perspective.

[ID: Excerpt from McKenzie’s run. Daredevil is swinging across a street. In the next panel, Matt Murdock is in a hospital room, standing next to a woman with happy tears in her eyes. A young boy is asleep in a hospital bed with bandages on his head.]

Caption: “...Because this night, he’s needed elsewhere. The boy’s in surgery until well after dawn, but he’ll--”

Woman: “--Be just fine, Mr. Murdock! Thank god! And, thank god, no one else was hurt! Who knows what might have happened, Mr. Murdock... if not for Daredevil!”

[ID: Out in the hallway, Matt closes the door to the room. We get a close-up of his smiling face, and then he walks away down the hall.]

Matt: “Yeah, maybe I have made my share of mistakes-- both as Matt Murdock... and Daredevil... but I’ve done a lot of good, too! That may not justify the mistakes... but it does make them a bit easier to live with!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #151 by Roger McKenzie, Gil Kane, Klaus Janson, et al.

In the hundred-or-so issues following this, Matt is given plenty of reasons to question and reexamine the way he approaches his Daredevil work. He famously stops wearing the DD suit during Miller’s “Born Again” arc, but that’s more because he's too busy having his life destroyed to bother putting it on than from any kind of conscious rejection of that identity. In Nocenti’s run, a large amount of emphasis is placed on the violence inherent in superhero work, and Matt is frequently made to question his behavior as Daredevil, but the only time he actually takes the suit off is in the very last story arc. He returns home after an arduous trip to upstate New York and then to Hell. This latter takes a massive toll on his psyche, leaving him emotionally exhausted, confused, and unsure of himself.

[ID: Two panels from Nocenti’s run. In the first, an unshaven and distraught-looking Daredevil pulls at his mask. In the second, we see him from the waist down, walking forward, with a hazy sky and bridge girders behind him.]

Matt: “The Daredevil is a deluded, hypocritical phony. The Daredevil was an illusion searching for a truth... and for this he was beat out of existence.

Daredevil vol. 1 #284 by Ann Nocenti, Lee Weeks, and Christie Scheele

(You can tell he’s confused because he’s saying “the Daredevil”, which has never been a thing.)

By the end of the issue, Matt has developed a full-blown case of amnesia, and he spends the next few days living on the streets and working as a boxer, using the only name he can remember: Jack Murdock. Meanwhile, the vacuum of Daredevil’s absence is filled by Bullseye, who puts on the red tights to see what it’s like to be a superhero. When Matt’s memories return and he finds out what Bullseye has done, he takes the obvious course of action:

[ID: Excerpt from Nocenti’s run, featuring Matt, sans glasses, in blue pants, a tight-fitting black shirt, and a black baseball cap. He stomps on the floor with his foot, yanks up the floorboards, pulls out a Bullseye costume, and puts it on, grinning.]

Matt: “There. Under here. Ungh! Okay, pal. Fair trade. You played me. Played Daredevil. Now let’s see if I can play you-- Bullseye!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #290 by Ann Nocenti, Kieron Dwyer, and Steve Buccellato

The two of them have a very confusing fight, which scrambles their identities and their mutual understanding of what it means to be a hero, but by the next issue, Matt is comfortably back in the Daredevil suit.

[ID: A panel showing Daredevil grinning and making a fist.]

Matt: “I have my mind back, my costume back, I’m back in my streets, and I know who I am!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #291 by Ann Nocenti, Lee Weeks, and Christie Scheele

The next time he gives up being Daredevil isn’t until Bendis’s run, and it’s not because he doesn’t want to be a superhero anymore, but because he doesn’t feel like he needs to be. Partway through the run, Matt beats up Wilson Fisk and declares himself the new Kingpin, effectively placing himself in charge of Hell’s Kitchen’s criminal underworld. He announces that all crime in the neighborhood must stop immediately, and from what we’re told retroactively, he spends a few weeks in costume aggressively enforcing that rule. At the end of those weeks, all of the criminals have moved out, and Matt goes about backing up his butt-kicking with some community service.

[ID: A panel from Bendis’s run showing Milla Donovan and Matt Murdock at a fancy event. Milla is wearing a black dress and a pearl necklace and Matt is wearing a black suit. They are standing together off to the left; other guests can be seen standing around chatting behind them. There is a row of ornate columns in the background.]

Ben Urich (off-panel): “And as quickly as it started... that’s how quickly it ended. Matt Murdock reappeared. A lot of people forget, but when all this started Nelson & Murdock won one of the largest settlements in the history of New York state. Hundreds of millions of dollars. Yeah. It was the last good thing that happened to Matt before the chain reaction that got us to where we are. And while Matt was dealing with the Owl, and the Kingpin, and Typhoid Mary and Bullseye and everything else life was throwing at him... his partner Franklin Nelson was swimming through the sea of legal appeals. Then the award came. Murdock & Nelson got their part of it. Hundreds of millions of dollars... And Murdock took the money, every single cent, and gave it to Hell’s Kitchen. Just handed it over to the city in the form of a neighborhood program. Put his money where his fists were and started building the city again. See, Matt’s new girlfriend, Milla Donovan, actually works at the Hell’s Kitchen housing commission. She knew exactly where the money should go...”

Daredevil vol. 2 #56 by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev, and Cory Petit

As a result of these efforts, Hell’s Kitchen becomes so peaceful that its resident superhero is no longer needed, so for a year (in-universe) Matt just stops being Daredevil. However, there’s no indication that he was planning to give it up for good, and when bad guys start popping up again, he hops right back into the spandex.

[ID: Bendis’s run again. A mostly-unclothed Milla is helping a mostly-unclothed Matt into a robe as he talks on the phone to Foggy, who is also shirtless.]

Matt: “I need you to bring me something to wear.”

Foggy: “Something red?”

Matt: “It’s red?”

Foggy: “What?”

Matt: “I thought it was yellow.”

Daredevil vol. 2 #59 by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev, and Matt Hollingsworth

Matt’s coping methods get extremely unhealthy toward the end of Volume 2, culminating with him terrorizing the city while possessed by a demon. Matt comes out of the events of “Shadowland” shaken and grieving, having lost his sense of self and any kind of confidence in his abilities as a superhero. He leaves most of his friends thinking he’s dead and gets on a bus headed west. He finds himself in New Mexico and spends some time in civvies, trying to come to terms with what he’s been through.

[ID: Excerpt from Daredevil Reborn. Matt Murdock is walking down an empty road through the desert with a brown bag slung over his shoulder. A small town can be seen in the distance behind him. The sky and landscape are colored in shades of pinks, purples, and yellows.]

Matt: “Doesn’t take a genius to figure this town has secrets. But it’s not my problem. I can’t help them. I can’t help anybody. It was always just arrogance to think I could put the world to rights. I’d stick my nose in where it wasn’t wanted, and before you knew it, somebody’d gotten hurt. Somebody’d gotten killed. Not anymore. I’ve put all that behind me.”

Daredevil: Reborn #1 by Andy Diggle, Davide Gianfelice, and Matt Hollingsworth

Though he starts this mini-series convinced (with good reason) that he can’t be a superhero anymore, he gets dragged into investigating injustice in a small town he passes through. He can’t help being a hero, no matter how down he's feeling, and over the course of this story he regains his confidence and conviction, and returns to New York eager for a new start. The “Shadowland” experience and the emotional turmoil it created plays a role in the birth of his “Happy Matt” coping philosophy in the following run, whereby he decides that he will enjoy life no matter what, through sheer force of will if necessary.

Jump forward a few years and we find another run-bridging mini-series about Matt “quitting” hero work. At the end of Soule’s run, Matt gets hit by a truck and actually dies for a second. It doesn’t stick, but he wakes up feeling physically and emotionally defeated, convinced that his crimefighting days are over.

[ID: Excerpt from Man Without Fear (2019). Matt is lying in a hospital bed. Sam Chung is standing next to the bed wearing a brown jacket, with his hands in the pockets.]

Sam: “I know what it’s like. Muse gouged out my eyes, remember? Then I gave up? But I came back. Blindspot came back. You’ve got too much skin in the game to give up Daredevil, Matt. What, you’re going to retire? Go straight? Wash your hands in the golden basin?”

Matt: “You want to talk to me about ‘skin in the game’?! Look at me!”

[ID: Matt sits up angrily and pulls the blankets away. His legs are covered in scars.]

Sam: “Matt...”

Matt: “You think I’m going to be jumping off roofs ever again? Fighting ninjas? Walking? That truck broke me from tip to toes. Plus a lifetime of badly healed injuries because of Daredevil-- I’m a bag of blood and broken glass, Sam.”

Man Without Fear (2019) #2 by Jed MacKay, Stefano Landini, and Andres Mossa

But once more, over the course of this series, through self-reflection, conversations with loved ones, and some impressively quick healing, he gets his fight back.

...For about five minutes. The next (and current) run starts with Matt accidentally killing someone in a fight due to a lack of control from lingering physical weakness, and his confidence is shattered all over again. Deeply disturbed by the experience, Matt decides that the only responsible course of action is to retire from being Daredevil.

[ID: Excerpt from Zdarsky’s run. An unshaven Matt is walking down a city street, wearing a suit and tie and adjusting his glasses. It’s daytime.]

Matt: “I thought I’d miss it. Eight weeks since I last put on the costume. Eight weeks since Daredevil died. But honestly... I’ve never been happier.”

Daredevil vol. 6 #6 by Chip Zdarsky, Lalit Kumar Sharma, Javier Tartaglia, et al.

Of course, this doesn’t last long, but even as Matt picks up hero work again, he initially refuses to wear the costume or to call himself “Daredevil”. It was only recently, after huge efforts to mitigate the violence in his methods, that he finally felt comfortable enough in himself to reclaim that identity and put the red suit back on.

[ID: Zdarsky’s run again. Daredevil climbs out through a skylight, stands on the roof of a building, and dramatically jumps off over the nighttime city.]

Matt: “If this is it... if this is how it ends, it ends on my terms. As God intended. As myself.”

Daredevil vol. 6 #21 by Chip Zdarsky, Marco Checchetto, and Mattia Iacono

I, personally, am very invested in Daredevil as an active choice Matt makes and a thing he enjoys, rather than, say, an obligation he feels burdened with carrying out, which is a trend I’ve noticed in some recent DD stories. And I love what it says about Matt that even though he has had these occasional moments of self-doubt, he always dives back into his superheroing-- not just for the sake of the comic’s ongoing story, but because of something inherent in his character.

#ohfortheloveofwords #Daredevil #Matt Murdock #Asks #Adventures in Continuity

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argentdandelion · 8 years ago

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Soul Dichromatism: Love, Hope and Compassion (Part 1)

Introduction 1. LHC Belief 2.Evidence For the LHC Belief 3.Evidence Against the LHC Belief

0. Introduction

In the fanfiction Soul Dichromatism, there is one major canon divergence: it wasn’t Asriel who absorbed the Fallen Human's1 soul, but Toriel. Toriel, seeking more human souls through peaceful means, roamed through graveyards looking for the souls of recently deceased humans. She collected four souls until humans killed her. As in Undertale, in his grief Asgore declared war on humanity. He absorbed Toriel’s collected souls, passed through the Barrier, and slaughtered the nearby human village, obtaining three more souls. He then broke the Barrier, freeing monsterkind, and promised his people all the lands of the “overground” (that is, the world outside the Underground).

The story takes place decades after this. In this fiction, Frisk (who is female in this depiction) lives in a human settlement on the border of monster-controlled territory. An experimental Determination-draining device (the Soul Drainer) is clamped onto her soul, unexpectedly causing her to change into a monster.2

Many characters believe that, once the transformation process is complete, Frisk will change to be more loving, compassionate, and hopeful than she was as a human, as monster souls are supposedly made of love, hope and compassion. The belief that monster souls are made of love, hope, and compassion (the "LHC belief", for ease of reference) is a major part of the plot.

But what if it’s not true?

1. LHC Belief

(Thanks to Nochocolate)

Within the game, there is not actually evidence for monster souls being made of hope, love and compassion. Though “people say monster SOULs are made of [love, hope and compassion]”, that doesn’t mean it’s true. After all, people say (or rather, a nursery rhyme claims) that little girls are made of “sugar, spice, and everything nice”, but this is demonstrably not true. As the game says, “the absolute nature of “SOUL” is unknown”.

2. Evidence For the LHC Belief

Upon learning about the LHC Belief, Frisk considers it pro-monster propaganda. However, the belief does have some support: in Soul Dichromatism, monsters indeed need hope to live. Without hope, they enter the “fallen down” state, a coma-like state which precedes death. In fact, within the fiction HP (like LV) is an acronym standing for “HoPe”.3, 4

Though there’s no evidence love and compassion are similarly necessary for monsters, it’s likely many monsters extrapolate it is so because of hope’s effects.

The LHC belief is treated as truth, rather than folklore. Alphys (who, as a scientist, should be able to distinguish science from folklore) even mentions the LHC belief as a rationale for letting Frisk out of her cell in Chapter 5:

Alphys: “[Monsters have to rely on] Hope!” [...] “Love and Compassion as well, but most importantly ‘Hope’! Hope is what prevents us from falling down! …Humans have ‘Hope’ as well, but aren’t dependants [sic] on it; however…” Asriel: “…However, If a human soul like Frisk’s loses access to both its main energy and Determination; it would need to rely on ‘Hope’,”

3. Evidence Against the LHC Belief

While in Soul Dichromatism hope is obvious for its role as a vital soul sustainer, there’s no comparable evidence for the role of love and compassion.

In Chapter 33, Frisk observes that monsters are more compassionate and loving than humans:

“Monsters were not a people that would let one of their own pass out from cold and hunger in the street. […] it was something they had over her people [humans]; even with the tight community she belonged to, strangers were more seen as potential threat than potential friends.”

However, in the same chapter Frisk notes:

“Monsters, with each other, could very much display the love, hope and compassion they claimed to have. With humans, this was another story altogether.”

Such selective compassion exists in real life, as compassion (or rather, empathy) is extended more readily to those of the same demographic as oneself. This is true for monsters in Soul Dichromatism.

Monsters, as a whole, aren’t loving nor compassionate towards humans. This is especially obvious with Sans, Undyne, Torria5, Artie (the name given for “Monster Kid”, who is a teen here) and Asriel.6 Were their souls actually made of love and compassion, surely repeatedly acting in ways contrary to those traits would be unhealthy. This is the case for hope: monsters “fall down” when they have no hope. Even if monsters overall have a greater tendency towards love and compassion than humans, the argument that their souls are made of love and compassion isn’t as watertight as the argument their souls are made of hope.

Frisk’s belief that monsters are more compassionate than humans is best explained by two things.

One: Frisk doesn’t know much about humans’ levels of compassion beyond her own culture.7 If Frisk knew of a human culture much more compassionate than her own, she might not make this sweeping conclusion about humanity.

Two: Monsters’ observed compassion comes from in-group prejudice, rather than the fact their souls are made of compassion. Prejudice is not merely disfavoring one group another, but also favoring one group over the other. (the effects of the two are often the same) That monsters act as if all the kingdom is one village may not come from their souls, but as an effect of culture of socialization.

Overall, the case against the truth of the LHC belief is much stronger than the case for it. However, it should be noted that absence of evidence isn’t evidence of absence. Perhaps compassion and love are indeed vital soul sustainers, but the narrative hasn’t provided any examples.

If the LHC isn't true, then why does it exist? Why did it persist to the modern day? The answers will be in part 2 of this series.

The Fallen Human is explicitly called "Chara" here, their default name in the game. ↩︎

Slight spoiler: Technically, she wasn't changed into a monster, but her body and soul traits were substantially changed so as to resemble a monster's. ↩︎

By this logic, it’s suggested Sans’ HP is 1 because he’s a nearly hopeless individual. ↩︎

The idea that HP stands for Hope is common speculation among Undertale fans, but to discuss it in detail here would take up too much space. ↩︎

A relative of Asriel’s, an "original character" that does not appear in the game. ↩︎

Asriel is a complex case. Though he's killed many humans, the guilt of it weighs especially heavily on him because his sibling and best friend, Chara, was a human: "Asriel may have been able to kill in cold blood, but that did not mean he took any pleasure in killing Chara’s and Frisk’s kind."-Chapter 22 ↩︎

Whatever that culture is: it's not described other than being on the border of monster-controlled territory. ↩︎

#undertale #undertale fanfiction #soul dichromatism #undertale au #blackrazorbill #dichromatale

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milkbeam · 8 years ago

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fav edm songs pls

this is like the hardest broadest question ive ever got since i like so many different genres of electronic music, lets do this shit ill try and think of my favs throughout the years and not just what i like now

starting from the beginning of my interest in the edms, gonna keep it to songs with some vocals, which helps me narrow down the list a lot, and no future house/bass, trap and dubstep besides skrillex

im not alone deadmau5 remix - calvin harris (thank you gran turismo 5)

every skrillex remix ever, Cinema, Levels and Promises are the standout favs

Miami to Ibiza vocal mix - Swedish House Mafia

You Got to Go Seven Lions remix - Above and Beyond

Clarity - Zedd (till it got overplayed to shit)

Beam Me Up - CAZZETTE

Language - Porter Robinson (thanks forza horizon 1)

Lights & Thunder - Gareth Emery feat Krewella

Move for Me - Deadmau5 & Kaskade

Summer - Calvin Harris

Not too late Maor Levi remix - Tom Swoon

Strobe - Deadmau5 (no vocals but i love it)

Enjoy the Ride Armin van Buuren remix - Krewella

Something Something Champs - Kaskade & Zip Zip Through The Night vs. Moguai

Now Or Never - Tritonal

Blue Sky Action - Above & Beyond

This Is What It Feels Like W&W remix - Armin Van Buuren

Nothing Can Hold Us Down - Hardwell & Headhunterz

Lionhearted Arty remix - Porter Robinson

Tokyo by Night Axwell remix - Hook and Sling

Braver Love - Arty

Wild Card - KSHMR

Hotel Moonside - Kanade Hayami

im going through my 825 song playlist on spotify for this and probably miss alot more lol. id post links to each but i feel lazy now but this was fun cuz i got to listen to my favorite songs that i havent heard in a while

make a spotify and follow my playlist pls

#akise

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sonzyb · 5 years ago

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Good Morning! How are you? Take your coat off and sit down. What can I get you; a Cappuccino; flat white; espresso; perhaps a cup of tea? It’s been over a week since I last posted, so I’m slipping with the schedule, but it’s been a busy week.

Half Term

The boys have been off school for Halloween/Half Term, and I took some annual leave so that I could be off with them. That’s been a real treat; we managed to get out for some lovely walks with the dogs, I collected conkers, the dogs chased squirrels and the boys made sure my laundry pile didn’t decrease any, regardless of how many loads went into the washing machine.

We have two dogs, both rescues of a similar age but they aren’t related. Masie, the canine food hoover, is a Schnauzer/ Fox Terrier cross who loves to roll in anything stinky; and Bran is a Border Terrier and something equally feisty. He was rescued from a shipping container in Dublin port with 200 other pups, on their way to who knows where! He’s a lot better than he was but still has ‘issues’ particularly with loud noises, needless to say, he’s not fond of fireworks. We call him our Irish Border Terrierist.

Look at that, butter wouldn’t melt!

He does love ‘small furries’ – that is he loves to chase them, and given the opportunity, he’d love to shake them until they are deaded. So squirrel season in the park is marked by big mad zoomies as he loops around with excitement. It’s an exercise of enthusiasm over strategy as he has no idea about stalking.

The squirrels see him coming and are able to leg it up a tree and laugh and shout insults at him from a safe height. <in a French accent> “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

On the subject of small woodland animals, particularly those who need to be protected from Bran, there has been great excitement in our house over a recent visitor. We have a hedgehog! We have suspected that one was lurking, but this was confirmed by a sighting this week, so we have started leaving some food and water out for it.

A startled hedgehog who visits our garden after dark

Yes, we are being careful, it is getting some dog food, no milk or fish as they are intolerant to both. Every morning the bowl is liked clean, and we had a second sighting last night; with the lights off we were able to watch it tuck in and then run off at surprising speed once finished.

I was a bit late in getting any Halloween decorations up, but we got there eventually and spent a full afternoon carving pumpkins. For some reason, both of my boys seem to be a bit overwhelmed by anything creative or arty, are quick to profess no talent there and give up; so I’m trying to build their confidence so that they might enjoy it some more. That’s why traditions like this are so useful, there’s no right or wrong way of carving a pumpkin, we just go with where it takes us.

a stab in the dark

scary enough for you?

Having said that after a few hours outside, guiding little knife clad hands in the cold, over a slippy pumpkin skin prone to slippage, I was more than ready for a stiff drink afterwards. Hopefully, I hid my wreaked nerves and they built a bit more confidence, they were certainly happy with their results which was the main thing.

I managed to do a lot of baking too, buns mainly, for Cub No 1’s Halloween Party, but I also managed an Eve’s Pudding (with hidden coins inside) which was perfect after a 3 hour Trick or Treat session with Cub No 2 – I hope he remembers this when he’s older!

How’s your coffee, do you need a top-up?

I’m spending more time with my Mum & Dad at the moment, they live about 3/4 hour’s drive away. At 81, my Dad is not in the best of health, with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s, which is supremely difficult for my Mum. She is a star, doing everything for him under very difficult circumstances with no thanks. We are trying to figure out some way of getting help but as you’ll appreciate, this is not easy.

In happier news though, this is our wedding anniversary, Mr. Plot & I got hitched this day 12 years ago, on a beautiful autumn day just like today.

Whispering sweet nothings

Don’t drop me!

A rare moment of peace

My flowers, that I arranged myself. with Sonia Orchids, and for both Grandmothers who couldn’t be there, Roses for Granny Rose, and Lilies for Granny Lilla

I remember it fondly. It had been quite the journey getting to that point, all of us still bear the scars, I wrote about those here 2nd Wife’s Club but we got there, and the wedding itself really was a celebration of joy. I’ve picked up a few tips on the way and wrote about them here Ten Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

If We Were Having Coffee 03/11/19 Good Morning! How are you? Take your coat off and sit down. What can I get you; a Cappuccino; flat white; espresso; perhaps a cup of tea?

#coffee break #Dogs #Family #Half term #Life #Wedding Anniversary

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fitnesshealthyoga-blog · 6 years ago

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New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/master-guitarist-at-wanderlust-oahu/

Master Guitarist at Wanderlust O'ahu

Catch Ron Artis II at Wanderlust O’ahu in 2019! For more information and tickets, click here.

Ron Artis II is a master guitarist hailing from Hawaii, and is a Wanderlust Festivals favorite. Despite now having a slew of adoring fans, Ron says that he has always been the shyest member of his family, and “spent most of childhood in the corner with my guitar.” He is the oldest of 11 children, and his family is brimming with creators, artists, and thinkers. “I can’t remember a time before music,” he says. “I learned to play the piano before I could even spell.” On his thirteenth birthday his parents got him his first real guitar from a garage sale and he’s been playing ever since. We discussed his family, his writing process, and his current and upcoming projects.

youtube

Wanderlust (WL): Your music spans a variety of genres. Is there a specific genre of music that you are particularly fond of?

Ron Artis II (RA): Ooh, this is a very hard question. It’s all in the moods and surroundings. Right now I’m really hard into soul/funk and the blues. I’ve been doing a lot of writing in that direction lately. I love it because it really sets me free emotionally. I can feel it through my whole soul. I sometimes feel like crying while I’m singing. Before that I was doing a lot of acoustic/singer-songwriter music, which allows such a freedom of sensitivity and is more of a personal genre.

WL: What is your writing process? Are there any specific points of inspiration you draw from?

RA: My writing process is very unconventional. I do most of my writing on stage, in my sleep, or around 5 a.m. – 6 a.m. in the morning at home. As far as inspiration, I believe music is to be lived, as life is meant to be lived. So everyone you meet, everywhere you go—listen listen listen, feel feel feel, care care care. Nothing is insignificant. I pray to be able to write and perform for the people. I put my whole existence into the music. I’m saying something to whoever cares to listen.

WL: Can you tell me a bit about each of your bands?

RA: My brother Thunderstorm and I are the members of our duo Ron Artis II & Thunderstorm. We traditionally play an acoustic guitar and a Cajon (acoustic drumbox). We started playing together as a duo about three years ago, sharing songs we’ve both written over the years. I like to say that my brother and I are a pretty dynamic duo. I’m older and more settled in. Thunderstorm is constantly changing and exploring, and bringing a very youthful expressive point of view with very deep emotions. I love performing with him. I believe he also likes me handling all the grown up stuff around the group haha.

Ron Artis II & The Truth is all about soul. In the core of this group we have my brother Stevon Artis on drums, Riley Pa’akaula on bass and myself on guitar and vocals. We live for playing live! Once you’ve heard us you will know why. We love to get into the music and bring something to you that you can understand and relate to. Going from funk, blues, soul to rock ballads and soulful jazz. This group is definitely eclectic.

WL: You often improvise and write new songs or riffs during a performance. Do you draw inspiration from the energy of the audience when you are performing?

RA: I believe in walking onto the stage for the people. I’ve agreed to say something to the audience, hear their struggles, joy and everything in between. I never walk onto the stage for me. Again I pray that God will use me to share something that can resonate with everyone, remind them of the beauty, freedom, gifts, love—the child they have inside.

Sometimes that gets so strong that a new song starts in my head and we have to go for it. The fun part is how it comes together on stage. None of us know how the whole song will go, so we all lean into each other and listen, trust and share. It’s truly beautiful.

WL: What does a day in the life look like for you?

RA: My days start with waking up and looking at my beautiful wife (Julia) and daughter (Ida Marie). Then—most days—I’m running my mouth about new crazy ideas… Really, I’m bad about it. About every week there’s a new “greatest idea”. I’m very grateful to have such a caring and patient wife. Then I’ll start calling people on the phone way before the “Internationally Allowed Hours to Call Someone”. But around the afternoon things will settle in and I usually pick up my guitar and listen to music. I wish I could say that I’m a very patient person all the time, but this article is all about being honest.

WL: What are you working on right now?

RA: I’m always working on new projects. It’s one of my favorite things to do. We talked earlier about my first instrument; well it just so happens that I’m preparing for having my first performance in years on piano. I needed some time from it after my father passed away in 2010. I spent a lot of my time with my father. That’s where I learned most of my music. We spent countless hours debating music theory and practicing together. So playing the piano will always bring me very close to him. This December I’m having a concert in Honolulu performing on piano. All original songs. So that’s gonna be keeping me pretty busy these next weeks. But I’m ready.

Catch Ron Artis II at Wanderlust O’ahu in 2019. See you on the North Shore!

—

Jillian Billard is a poet, yoga teacher, cellist and avid wanderer. A native New Yorker, she is often caught daydreaming of sprawling green fields and mountains. She trained and received her ashtanga yoga teacher’s certification in Goa, India and works at Laughing Lotus Yoga Center in Brooklyn. You can often find her with her head buried in a book, doused in lavender. Follow her on her (very newly developed) Instagram page for class schedules and updates at @jillboyoga

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#yoga asanas #yoga exercises #Yoga Exercises

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dawnjeman · 6 years ago

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Spanish Colonial Home Renovation

Recently renovated by Martha O’Hara Interiors (previously featured here, here, here & here), the dark and foreboding interior inside this Spanish Colonial home overshadowed its charming architectural features. The home didn’t take advantage of the beautiful hill views nor represent its young owners, who were looking for furnishings and selections that would add lots of glamour to the living room, kitchen and dining spaces.

With two little girls at home, and a stylish mom with an admitted high heel obsession, the clients wanted every specification to be a WOW factor without feeling like they had to walk on egg shells. Pretty and durable was mom’s “mantra” that the designer happily ran with! High impact selections were key to the design. They often mixed formal and informal statement pieces to achieve the client ’s overall aesthetic: they wanted the ultimate family home that was all about high fashion AND high function.

Spanish Colonial Home Renovation

The color scheme brings a fresh feel and balances the traditional architectural details this home features.

All the pillows are custom-made, one with Romo fabric and the other with Duralee fabric.

Accessories: Global Views.

Side Table: Noir Furniture.

The chandelier is a 10-light chandelier in a polished nickel finish by Elk.

Before & After

The house used to feel “heavy” and outdated. New paint, new flooring and a few other changes made this entire space feel more current and bright.

Paint Color

The paint color throughout the main floor is custom, Sherwin Williams 50/50 Mix (Neutral Ground SW7568/ Natural Tan SW7567).

Note from the designer: “For lighting, our inspiration came from two existing chandeliers above the dining table. Because these were such grand pieces, we were especially conscious of selecting additional lighting that would be equally as impressive, bring light to each room, and push the design more transitional. We selected a large geometric fixture for the formal living room to complement the glamorous dining chandeliers. Mixing these styles helped connect the open- concept rooms while allowing each space to have its own distinction. We balanced the dramatic chandeliers with tall window panels and layers of purple fabrics – from airy lavenders to rich plum and egg-plant hues. “

Similar Chandeliers: here, here & here.

Dining Chairs: Head Chairs: Artis Shingle accent fabric by Romo and Newton Side Chairs by Vanguard.

Dining table is by Hickory Chair.

Window Treatment: Shanghai Garden Fabric by Designers Guild.

Rug is a Custom Fay + Belle Rug.

Kitchen

The kitchen was completely renovated and now features custom cabinetry. Perimeter and island features Quartzite with bevel square edge countertops.

Kitchen Backsplash: Custom marble ribbon backsplash cut with a waterjet – similar here (white).

Kitchen Pendants

Kitchen Pendants: Crystorama.

Kitchen Island

It’s a color match to Sherwin Williams’ Dove Tail. It’s very similar to Aleutian by Sherwin Williams.

Counterstools: Hickory Chair Suzanne Kasler Laurent counterstool– Available through the designer – similar here, here & here.

Cabinet Paint Color

The kitchen cabinetry was done in Sherwin Williams Eider White SW7014.

The designer mixed chrome hardware with rose gold kitchen faucets. Similar Hardware: Appliance Pulls, Knobs, Pulls.

Large Farmhouse Sink: Kohler.

White Brick: Natural Stone Thassos Honed-Straight.

Pendant: Currey & Co. Platz Pendant.

Breakfast Room

“An essential request from mom was for an informal eating area where they could enjoy family meals together. To achieve this, we created a dining nook by closing off a portion of their abundant outdoor space. This also allowed us to increase the kitchen’ s size and improve flow to the casual family room.”

Lighting: Gabby Athena Chandelier

Flooring

The flooring is a wide European Oak Flooring – similar here.

Family Room

The family room is stylish, comfortable and the color palette is very forgiving; which is perfect for homes with small kids.

Lighting is a Visual Comfort Drum Light Fixture.

Rug is custom-made from carpet.

Side Table: Hourglass side table by Noir Furniture.

Ottoman: Custom-made with Designers Guild fabric – Brescia – and black pearl nailhead.

Inspired by this Look:

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Media Room Bar

Reclaimed shiplap brings a very rustic feel to this grey bar. Cabinets are painted in a similar to Benjamin Moore HC-168 Chelsea Gray.

Bar Countertop: Quartzite – Spicewood with chiseled edge.

Backsplash: Antique Mirror.

Pendant Lighting: Currey and Company.

Similar Floor Tile: here.

Reclaimed Barn Door

Vintage doors were hung as barn doors and add some patina to this home. The cabinet on the left is painted in Sherwin Williams Fabulous Grape SW 6293. Trim paint color is Sherwin Williams Dovetail.

Master Bedroom

What a charming master bedroom! Did you notice the view? This bedroom feels feminine and elegant.

The custom Vanguard Bench is available through the designer.

Draperies are custom with a Romo Ashdown Cinder fabric.

Chair: Hickory Chair- similar here, here & here (neutral).

Nightstand: Bernhart.

Similar Bed: here & here.

Paint Color & Chandelier

Paint color is Sherwin Williams SW 7015 Repose Gray.

Chandelier can be found here (as above – 8-light chandelier) and here (slightly smaller – 6-light chandelier).

Photos: Meg Mulloy Photography.

New Fall-Inspired Rugs & Pillows

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Summer Best Deals!

Thank you for shopping through Home Bunch. I would be happy to assist you if you have any questions or are looking for something in particular. Feel free to contact me and always make sure to check dimensions before ordering. Happy shopping!

Joss & Main: Rug Sale! Up to 70% Off!!!

Wayfair: Up to 70% OFF – Huge Sales on Decor, Furniture & Rugs!!

Serena & Lily: Summer Tent Sale – 30 to 70% Off!!! Use code ADD15 for an extra 15%

Pottery Barn: New Arrivals!!! Up to 70% Off!

West Elm: Mega Sale – 70% Off sales!

Caitlin Wilson: Beautiful Rugs & Pillows.

Anthropologie: Extra 40% Off Sale Plus 20% Off Furniture + Decor.

Urban Outfitters: Hip & Affordable Home Decor – Big Summer Sales!!!

Horchow: Flash Sale: Up to 55% Off!!!

One Kings Lane: Save Up to 70% OFF! Free Standard Shipping on Orders over $99!

Williams & Sonoma: Spring Clearance: Up to 75% OFF!.

Nordstrom: Up to 40% OFF!

Neiman Marcus: Designer Sale: Up to 40% OFF.

Pier 1: Biggest Memorial Day Sale: Up to 50% Off!

JCPenny: Final Hours of Huge Sale.

Posts of the Week:

Beautiful Homes of Instagram.

Palm Beach, Florida Home Design.

Kitchen and Mudroom Gut Renovation Ideas.

Before & After: Small Farmhouse-Style Home Renovation.

Santa Barbara Beach Home Design.

Interior Design Ideas Coastal Florida Home.

Georgian Home Design Ideas.

Interior Design Ideas: California Coastal Home.

Custom Home with Artisan Craftsmanship Interiors.

Interior Design Ideas: Colorful Interiors.

New-Construction Modern Farmhouse Inspiration.

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Andrea McQueen Design.

Texas Gulf Coast Beach House.

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: California Beach House.

New-Construction Home for First-time Home Buyer.

California Beach House with Beautiful Coastal Interiors.

Grey Kitchen Paint Colors.

You can follow my pins here: Pinterest/HomeBunch

See more Inspiring Interior Design Ideas in my Archives.

Popular Paint Color Posts: The Best Benjamin Moore Paint Colors

2016 Paint Color Ideas for your Home

Interior Paint Color and Color Palette Pictures

Interior Paint Color and Color Palette Ideas

Inspiring Interior Paint Color Ideas

Interior Paint Color and Color Palette

New 2015 Paint Color Ideas

Interior Paint Color Ideas

Interior Design Ideas: Paint Color

Interior Ideas: Paint Color

More Paint Color Ideas

“Dear God,

If I am wrong, right me. If I am lost, guide me. If I start to give-up, keep me going.

Lead me in Light and Love”.

Have a wonderful day, my friends and we’ll talk again tomorrow.”

with Love,

Luciane from HomeBunch.com

Interior Design Services within Your Budget

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Contact Luciane

“For your shopping convenience, this post might contain links to retailers where you can purchase the products (or similar) featured. I make a small commission if you use these links to make your purchase so thank you for your support!”

from Home http://www.homebunch.com/spanish-colonial-home-renovation/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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