#like i'll find any reason to reject them and all that but sometimes i am rational and right

[bbael]

It feels like im constantly running away from people and that is true actually

[girlgenius1111]

stuck with me

alexia x reader

alexia and r get into an argument just before the holiday break, as the stress of ale's knee injury bubbles over. r loses... a lot of sleep over it. alexia makes it up to her, even though she really doesn't have to.

no warnings :)

To be fair to Alexia, she didn't know you had sleep issues. How could she, when she'd practically been the cure for them? You'd had sleep problems long before you'd gotten together with Alexia, but they had... stopped, magically, when you started sharing a bed. Neither of you spent many nights alone once you got together, so most nights, you slept well, curled up against your steady, dependable girlfriend.

The exceptions were, obviously, when you went home for breaks without her and when you both had to go on national duty. You slept fine at home, away from the stresses of your job, in the comfort of the place you'd grown up in. Normally.

And in regards to national duty, you were lucky to have incredibly teammates. Lucy knew of your problem, and also knew that sleeping in the same bed as someone else was helpful. It wasn't Alexia, and it wasn't perfect, but you slept. You knew you'd have to find a solution when [if] Lucy retired, but for now, there was no reason why you'd spend more than the odd night without Alexia.

That was, of course, until her knee re-injury. Before the following surgery and holiday break. And the not insignificant fight that you'd gotten into with her around that time. It was a tough time for her, you knew, and she was coping with it the best she could. You'd been hovering over her, you knew that too.

You were just so worried, all the time. Alexia was so miserable not being able to play, so frustrated with her knee that sometimes you thought she was finally just going to breakdown and herself feel it all. She never did, though. Not until the day her and the medical team had decided on surgery. It was a few days before you were do back in England for the holidays, and you'd already been considering cancelling, and staying with your girlfriend. She needed you, physically and emotionally.

You really should have waited to bring up your plans to stay until she was in a better mood. Instead, you'd suggested it to her over a very quiet dinner, after the date for the arthroscopy had been set.

-----

"I'm gonna cancel my plane tickets to London, I think. Stay here with you." You suggested casually.

"What?" Alexia asked, dropping her fork onto her plate with a loud clatter.

"I want to spend Christmas here. You're having surgery and-"

"No."

"No?" You said, slightly hurt by the tone of voice she was using.

"No, you have to go home and see your family. I will be fine here."

"Ale, I want to be here."

"I do not need you here." Alexia said finally, avoiding your gaze. You knew she didn't mean it; she was in pain, frustrated, anxious, and trying not to inconvenience you. Still, you felt your eyes fill with tears at the rejection, and you nodded silently, before turning back to your food. You wouldn't cry, couldn't add any more stress to Alexia's already insane load of it.

"Now you will not talk to me?" Alexia asked. You looked up at her in shock, surprised that the next words out of her mouth hadn't been an apology.

"Just leave it, Alexia. I'll be out of your way tomorrow." You said back quietly, allowing some of the sadness you were feeling seep into your voice.

"Do not be like that. You tell me all the time to tell you what I need, and what I need is for you to go to England and see your family."

"Alright, Ale. I got it. You want me to go, I understand." You tried your hardest to keep your voice steady, but it still shook towards the end of the sentence.

"Amor, stop. That is not what I am saying and you know it," Alexia argued.

"I don't really know what you're saying, Alexia. It sounds like you want me to go."

Alexia exhaled loudly, before pushing her chair away from the table and standing up.

"I cannot deal with you if you are going to be like this." She snapped, before slamming her plate into the sink and marching off to the bedroom.

You didn't understand, not really. It seemed like she didn't want you here. Because that's exactly what she had been saying to you. You knew it wasn't really you that was the problem, it was Alexia's inability to allow you to see how upset she was.

This was reinforced when you went into the bedroom a little while later to pack. The shower was on, but you could still hear her crying over the soft patter of water. You knocked on the door, prepared to let the fight go in favor of making sure she was okay, but the little whimpers and shaky breaths cut off abruptly, and she didn't say anything else.

She kept you at arms length for the rest of the night, only speaking when she asked you to come to bed, an olive branch she was extending. You did, but you both kept to your own sides of the bed. You didn't sleep well that night.

Alexia hugged you goodbye the next day at the airport, and you thought she held you a bit tighter than normal. She handed you a little note, requested that you read it on the plane, and softly kissed your cheek, before allowing you to go through security.

The note had been a lengthy apology, scrawled in her familiar loopy, messy handwriting, confirming that everything you thought was going on with her was correct. She was stressed, she didn't want you to worry, or change your plans for her. She shouldn't have yelled, or been so cruel, and she hadn't meant it. She loved you. So much, she said. Things would be better after her surgery.

You'd thanked her for her apology once you'd landed. You'd spoken, often, since then, but there was still so much tension. You were both busy with family, and there wasn't really any time to have an in depth conversation about what had transpired.

You knew the surgery had gone well, they'd fixed the problem, and that Alexia was doing much better. The second part wasn't something that she had to tell you, it was obvious in the increase in texts, and the mushiness that she included. Whenever she went through a hard time, she closed herself off, and when it ended, she'd always overcompensate, feeling guilty, until she went back to normal. That was Alexia, and you loved her.

-----

The biggest casualty of this fight was, unfortunately, your sleep. You struggled while you were home, when normally, you slept fine there. Obviously not as well as when you were with Alexia, but fine. This time, though, you barely slept. Nothing worked, and the only time you were able to sleep was when your body literally shut down, forcing you to sleep for a few hours every other day or so. You were sure it was because of this unresolved fight, and you knew that once you physically saw your girlfriend, you'd be fine. Especially once you could go back to falling asleep on her chest, the steady beat of her heart making you feel warm, and safe, and comfortable.

This was why you'd cut your trip short, and were currently touching down in Spain, a full 5 days before you were supposed to return home. That, and you missed Alexia. You knew she was slightly confused; you'd been weirdly distant while you'd been gone, because you were exhausted, but she didn't know that. She assumed you were mad, until you told her you were coming home early. After that, she gave up trying to figure out what was going on with you, and focused herself on cleaning the apartment, going grocery shopping for all your favorite things, and buying you flowers. She'd been awful, she knew it, and she was determined to make it up to you.

-----

Alexia was waiting for you by baggage claim; you saw her once you got halfway down the escalator. She was leaned against the wall, baseball cap sat over her blonde hair. She was wearing an old England sweatshirt of yours, and you couldn't help the grin that your lips lifted into at the sight. Your beautiful, perfect, girlfriend, head on an absolute swivel, determined not to miss you.

You saw the moment she she saw you, too, her lips turning up at the corners, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if she could barely contain herself from running to you, which she wasn't yet supposed to do. You got down the escalator and over to her in probably an embarrassingly short amount of time, taking care not to put too much of your weight on her, minding her healing knee.

"Amor," she sighed into your hair, arms holding you almost painfully tight.

"Hi, beautiful," you said back, words almost swallowed by her [your] sweatshirt, and the noisy crowds around you.

"Te extrañé mucho de menos," Alexia murmured, pulling back from the hug to pull you in for a kiss. She froze, however, eyebrows scrunching adorably, as she finally got a good look at your face. You knew what she was looking at. "Are you sick?" She asked, feeling your forehead with the back of her hand.

"No, not sick. Just a little tired."

She looked at you skeptically, hand unmoving from your forehead until you pushed it away and leaned up, pursing your lips expectantly. She smiled, finally meeting your lips in a sweet kiss. She pulled away much to soon in your opinion, laughing at your disgruntled expression.

"You need sleep, amor. We can go home and you can rest. Once you sleep, I will give you all the kisses you want, okay?"

"Fineeee," you sighed, allowing Alexia to take your hand, and lead you off to find your bag. She insisted on wheeling it out to the car, even though she was actively recovering from surgery, but she seemed determined to spoil you today.

You sat in content silence in the car, your girlfriend's hand intertwined with yours. You felt that you should have been sleepy, but you were completely wired, eyes open wide, tapping your knee repetitively.

"Do you want to tell me what is going on?" Alexia asked finally, about 10 minutes into the drive. She glanced at you out of the corner of her eye, spotting the way you went rigid at her question.

"What do you mean?"

"Amor, come on. You look like you have not slept in days." Your only response is a shrug, as you turn your attention out the window.

"Hey. Why did you not sleep?" Alexia insisted, pulling on your hand to get you to pay attention to her.

"I missed you." You replied finally, feeling Alexia's hand tighten around yours.

"I missed you too. That is why you did not sleep well?"

"I... I never used to sleep very well. Until I started sleeping next to you, and then I slept fine. I normally don't have problems sleeping when I go home, though, but this time... I think I was just stressed about our argument."

"I did not know that." Alexia said quietly. "You never told me."

"I know, I know. It just didn't seem like a big deal, because it wasn't, once I was with you."

Your girlfriend looked like she had a million questions, but she didn't ask them. "I am so sorry our fight made you lose sleep. I was completely unfair to you. You do not need to worry about anything now, though, okay? I made your favorite for dinner, if you are hungry. If not, we can just go right to bed. I am yours for the rest of break, whatever you need."

"Really?"

"Really."

-----

You ate the delicious dinner Alexia had cooked, and then took a warm shower. When you got out, you noticed that Alexia had completely unpacked for you, and laid out your favorite pajamas. She was already in the bed, despite it barely being 7pm, looking adorably cozy in a big sweatshirt, the hood tugged up over her head.

"Ale, we don't need to go to sleep now, it's early, you're probably not tired." You said as you pulled the pajamas on. The exhaustion was starting to hit you, and you wanted to promise that you could stay up until a normal time, but you weren't sure you could.

"A bit tired. Whether I fall asleep or not, I want to be right here. Anyway, I should put my knee up." Alexia said dismissively, patting the bed next to her.

"Ale," you began but she shook her head.

"No arguments, bebita. Get in bed." You sighed dramatically, but did as she asked, climbing under the covers and scooting right over to Alexia, as though she was a magnet. You settled against her, shutting your eyes. You heard the lamp flick off, and felt Alexia wrap an arm around you, tugging you into her side.

You tried to fall asleep. Really, you had no idea why you couldn't. You were here, with Alexia, and you should have been able to sleep, easily, especially considering how tired you were. You couldn't manage it though, quickly getting annoyed when your brain wouldn't just turn off.

After the 6th time you shifted positions, Alexia kissed the side of your head, and spoke. "Having a hard time?"

"Yes," you mumbled, burying your face in her chest.

"Be patient. You are exhausted, you will fall asleep soon. Just relax." Alexia encouraged, rubbing a hand up and down your back.

Another 10 minutes passed, in which you felt no closer to sleep. Rolling off of Alexia with a huff, you glared up at the ceiling. Next to you, Alexia rolled onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow to gaze down at you.

"You are putting too much pressure on yourself. It is just sleeping, bonita." She said quietly, running a soft finger over your cheek.

Tears of frustration beginning to pool in your eyes. It was just sleeping. It should be easy. You were just realizing for the first time how incredibly tired you were, and how difficult the past couple days had been.

"Do not cry, por favor," Alexia pleaded.

"I can't, I can't fall asleep." Alexia looked at you sympathetically, thumbs wiping away the tears that fell. She sat both of you up after a minute. "Take off your shirt," she instructed, pulling her own over her head, leaving her with only a sports bra on.

"I'm too tired for sex," you cried, the thought only making you more upset; you had missed your girlfriend. A lot. The fact that you were too tired to do anything about it was painful.

"Not sex, amor, just take your shirt off." Alexia insisted, pulling at the hem. You did as she asked, looking rather miserable. You, too, were left in only your bra, but Alexia's eyes were only on yours as she laid back down, rolling onto her side and pulling you in so your head was pressed right over her bare chest, where her heart was.

Your body relaxed without you telling it to, the feeling of Alexia, and only Alexia, engulfing you. Your skin was pressed to hers, inhaling the soft scent of her perfume, feeling her hands rub rhythmically up and down your bare back.

"There you go," she said into your hair, feeling your body sag against hers. "Sleep for me, okay?" She asked.

You couldn't have told her no if you wanted to. Your eyes shut almost immediately, and you felt suddenly so peaceful, brain slowing down until you were only thinking about how good your girlfriend felt against you.

-----

When you woke up, you knew you'd been asleep for a while, if the amount of light flooding the room was any indication. It was bright, even with your eyes shut, which indicated that it was past noon; the sun only came in through the bedroom window after noon. Your body felt stiff but, for the first time in a while, you felt well rested. You were content to wake up slowly, enjoy the comfort of your bed

You attempted to roll over, searching for Alexia's side of the bed so you could use her pillow, (you swore it was comfier). Instead, you rolled right into Alexia herself, and heard her let out a soft laugh. You cracked your eyes open, finding Alexia laying on her back, arm still tucked around your shoulders. Her fingers flitted through your hair, and you relaxed back into her, scooting closer until your head was crammed into the crook of her neck.

"Why are you still in bed?" You mumbled into her. Her body vibrated under yours as she laughed again.

"Are you complaining?" She teased, clearly referencing the way you'd moved yourself so that every part of your body possible was be touching hers.

"No. It has to be late, though. You've been sleeping fine, you didn't have to stay in bed with me." You told her.

"I always sleep better with you, amor. I wanted you to rest, as much as you needed. You are cute when you sleep, anyway. Your nose scrunches up and you make little sounds when you roll around." Alexia murmured into your hair, and you didn't have to see her face to know she was blushing at the information she'd just revealed.

You left a kiss on her neck, before pulling away so you could see her face. "What time is it?"

Alexia didn't say anything, a slightly guilty expression on her face.

"Alexia Putellas, what time is it?" You demanded.

"3PM." She told you quietly.

"3PM?" You shouted, sitting upright in the bed. Sure enough, the clock on the nightstand reflected the time back to you. You'd slept the whole day away. Two of you didn't have any plans, but still.

"How much did you sleep while you were gone? Really, amor? The least I could do was help you rest." Alexia avoided your eyes.

"What do you mean the least you could do?" You asked, softening your tone.

"I was so horrible to you before you left. And then our fight made you not sleep well," the blonde explained, looking miserable.

"And you apologized, Ale. You were under a lot of stress, I get it." You really weren't mad anymore.

"No, that is not good enough. I have to make it up to you. I wanted you here with me, more than anything, but you have already done so much, and I did not want to ruin your Christmas." Alexia insisted, getting seemingly worked up.

"Alexia, I understand. You said all of this in your note."

"I want to say it again." Alexia said stubbornly, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Look at me." You instructed, turning face towards you with a hand on her cheek when she refused. Her eyes were glossy with unshed tears. "Amor, I forgive you. I told you I forgave you, when I read your letter. Do you not believe me?" You wondered, as your girlfriend didn't look the least bit relieved at you letting her off the hook.

"I believe you, it is just that...no se como decirlo." She sighed.

"Try, please. We've fought before, Alexia, worse than this. What is it about this one that is making you so upset?" You pressed, not relenting even as she shrugged in response.

"I do not want to lose you," Alexia whispered finally, a single tear sliding down her face, as she clenched her jaw, trying to keep together.

"Baby, you are not going to lose me." You promised, moving closer to take her hand in yours. "I knew you didn't mean what you said. You apologized, Alexia, it was just a stupid fight. We got past it, just like we'll get past every fight. Always."

"But what if I push you away again? And you get tired of it, and leave?"

"You could never push me away. I might give you space when you need it, but I will always be here for you. Even when you try to pretend you don't need me. I could never get tired of you, Alexia, and I could never leave you. Ever." You said the words slowly, trying to gauge if she believed you or not.

Although she looked slightly unsure, she did look less upset than she had a minute ago, her face relaxing somewhat as she finally look into your eyes.

"You're stuck me with, Ale. For as long as you want me." Alexia let out a wet laugh.

"I will always want you." She said, pulling you in closer to press her lips to yours. The kiss grew heated quickly, until you were straddling her lap, checking multiple times that her knee was unbothered by the position. She promised that it was fine, distracting you by sliding her hands up your sides, and pulling you back in for another messy kiss.

"Alexia, that is not exactly what I meant," you joked, pulling away briefly as she pulled your bra over your head.

"Me neither, but it has been days, and I have missed you. Let me show you how much I have missed you. Please?" Alexia asked, surprisingly shy as she ran her hand up and down your abdomen, teasing at the hem of your shorts.

You leaned in, you agreement clear in the way your lips met hers, tongue slipping in after a minute. As if you'd ever say no to that offer. You don't think you'd ever say no to anything Alexia asked you. Your love for her was the kind that transcended every issue that could possibly come up. It was you and her, forever.

-----

inspired by my inability to sleep <3 [and my deep belief that sleeping next to a pretty girl would solve all my problems]

[tumblingxelian]

Chloe Bourgeois - Not a Typical Mean Girl

No, I am not going to sit here and talks about Chloe's family, or issues, or one writers seeming obsession with her. No!

I am here to discuss what I think is a very common misunderstanding about Chloe's character and the show in fandom that often crops up in discussion regarding her.

Namely that the thing Chloe needs most is to be chastised, rejected & punished for her mean behavior, that will sort her out!

As though that wasn't already a thing that happens?

Bear with me and I'll explain that claim first:

The school does not like punishing any students. The only reason Alya was punished for coordinating an effort to break into Chloe's locker is because Chloe threatened the principle. The only reason Marinette was almost expelled was because Lila framed her for cheating, theft & assault all in one day & she still needed to make a scene of the whole affair. There's one teacher that punishes students, but she does so unfairly, cruelly and haphazardly and in season 1, Chloe was not shown getting any special treatment from her. Special treatment from the faculty was not a thing unless we are counting later retcons.

So now that the faculty is out of the way, wat I mean is that Chloe is not a typical mean girl because she is not popular.

In stuff like Mean Girls, Heathers and so on, the usual standard is that the mean girls are mean, but they are also revered, beloved, popular in one way or another despite their horrible behavior.

This is not the case with Chloe.

Even in Season 1 where only Marinette & Nino seems to start the season disliking Chloe. (Her presence unpleasant but hardly traumatic given the Origins level bickering) Chloe was still not widely well liked by the class or school.

She had one friend in Sabrina and a second oh so briefly in Adrien, which did let her absorb some of his celebrity by proximity. But within 48 hours of having him she lost him; with Adrien becoming more distant to divorce himself from her behavior.

That's it and while one can say her haughty attitude and ego are the reason we know from season 2 she is aware everyone hates her & it upsets her.

S1-Chloe did get invited to some class events, but even then her presence was not largely welcomed with most far less prone to be patient with her than they were with others even if they exhibited similar behavior. Such as Kim bullying Ivan, or Nino expressing blatant frustration with Mylene, ETC.

By late season 2 she was pretty much entirely segregated from her peers, barring Sabrina, and her presence welcomed with shades of disinterest, disdain or outright hostility. Sometimes evoked on her part or just in general.

This is a big difference from the usual Mean Girls = Popular Girls trend but I often don't see it acknowledged in fandom discourse.

This especially feels to be the case given so often I see people arguing Chloe "needs" to be rejected, or told her behavior is bad, or that no one likes her... But she is, all the time, she is entirely aware people don't like her and unhappy about it.

The issue is not that her bad behavior is being rewarded in school. The issue is that bad behavior is what she was taught at home and what is encouraged there and what is shown to work for her parents. But it doesn't work for her and she doesn't know why, because no one really bothers to teach her why. hey just get angry and snap at her or ignore her.

& sure you can say its not her peers job to explain morality o empathy to someone who was explicitly taught by their father how to cheat at & win elections by intimidation. But the fact is no one at home is going to do so because they are modelling, encouraging & teaching the opposite up until it impacts 'them' personally.

Not sure if there's a greater point to this, but...

I often find people acting like the thing Chloe needs is for her bad behavior not to be 'rewarded' or 'indulged' by her class and to instead be 'rejected' and for her to face 'consequences'.

But she does! That's basically all she does; & When she doesn't usually an Akuma tries to murder her anyway!

So yeah, Chloe isn't a typical mean girl.

She's actually deeply unpopular among classmates and the school has a discipline issue all over, it didn't come from her.

More negativity is not going to magically make her "better".

[cherrytea556]

I notice a trend with people who find aro and aces not belonging to the community because 'their not oppressed' like it's a fucking competition. And how they do that is basically downplay our experiences to just being nothing or something that's not worth mattering. Things such as 'oh your oppressed? What? For your family asking if you date sometimes? That your friends and family may not understand you? Pfft, like that's the same as the r4pe, assault and murder WE experienced!'

Of course, aro and aces face more than that (and even HAVE faced the same things your claiming we don't experience) but that's not the point. The point is, they belittle experiences of aro and ace people without any sense of understanding what it would be/feel like from our perspective. Of course, our loved ones not understanding our orientation is not a big thing to you. But it is to us.

Within my family, love is an expectation, not an option. Many of them express how love is this universal important thing and when I reject that notion by just simply stating that i don't even want to be in one, they dismiss it and tell me that later on, I'll change my mind. It's the same with sex but in a lesser extent (that being it's not as talked about as it is to love) This expectation drives me away from expressing my true self to them, hiding my orientation in fear of their reactions (whether it's not believing in me, claiming that i was brainwashed my the internet, you get the deal) This is combined with the fact that aro and aces are practically invisible in representation (aromantics especially) makes it a rather isolating experience in the closet as most people wouldn't know that people like you exist and with society centering love and sex as this universal thing, how can they believe you? And to anyone who tries to downplay isolation, note this to someone that was very isolated before that; it can truly be a slippery or even miserable experience. It is predominantly so too if your mental health is already declining. Everything remaining in your head with no room to release is very frustrating, I would know, I lived it as my own mental health took a downturn. It's only when i started making friends, people I can talk to without this lingering fear, that i started to get better. And I'm lucky i still have friends who support me and my identity, some people don't even have that at all. Some of them are completely isolated with no one to turn to for support. These people also associate us as being 'too online' but that is majorly because the internet would be the only place to find this support from given free access in expressing ourselves on social media. Why else am I so public about my aroaceness online? But of course, it's not like they'll care. The only reason why they say that shit about us is because they don't bother to understand our experiences/issues we face because it doesn't make sense to them. Like a standard bigoted being, they would rather stay in their bubble and attack rather than venture out to explore our perspectives.

No, I don't care about your orientation, you belittling our experiences is no different from bigots belittling your own experiences. And you know which community also faces isolation from lack of understanding and representation for their identities? That's right, you. The lgb alliance and anyone ace/arophobic in our community. You might as well dismiss your own isolating experiences while your at it.

We have shared similar experiences to you (being in the closet, fear of coming out, lack of representation, lack of understanding etc) and all bigots want us as well as you to be non existent. So why bother trying to gatekeep us out of the community just because we don't follow your personal norms of sexuality? The whole of lgbt is to give people who aren't fit in societal norms a sense of community. We clearly don't fit in society's norms of orientation (that being mono straight cis and allo) so why is this even a debate?

Anyways, aro and aces are part of the community whether you like it or not. Peace.

[limbus-limousine]

Keep saying this but I loooove how relationships are talked about and portrayed in Demian (1919). Like. To an insane degree that I can barely put into words. It bothers me how overlooked it is sometimes? People always have a tendency to shove fictional relationships into very cramped, defined little boxes and then fight over the plastic label.

The way relationships are seen in Demian is one of the main reasons why I hold this book so close to my heart, because it was the first time I saw my thoughts put into words that I could analyze and study. That and the whole premise of how growing up in a religiously oppressive environment disguised with love and purity will inevitably affect how you process your feelings toward others... Makes me relate to Sinclair a lot. And it feels like a gross oversimplification to restrict his feelings as platonic or romantic.

I've talked about how I see Demian and Eva as extremely related entities before, how they are essentially the same. But I think their distinction as physical characters is very useful for the storytelling and symbolism. As I see it, Demian (the book) is all about love. It's not just about finding love in someone else but also finding love in yourself, in what you do and where you are in your life. This might be more of a personal interpretation, but to me, Eva represents a very, very specific feeling, in a way it's a culmination, a point where you finally stop to think and say to yourself "maybe I am okay. This is what okay feels like to me". Freudian influence aside... The motherly themes hit me really hard for this very reason:

When I read how Sinclair slowly fell out with his family, it spoke of a very specific experience. A very specific realization. "This deal isn't that of a bad friendship or acquaintance. I won't have a second chance. Simply because of how I was born, where I was born, there are human experiences that I'll never be able to know, and I am powerless to change that", you cannot choose your family, your mother, right? It's what you get, and you see around you what could've been but never was, and it makes you feel weak.

That's why Frau Eva is such an important figure. Because that is when Sinclair finds his family again, in a way. Why should blood matter so much? Sure, there's a biological connection, it's also been studied that romantic relationships reach their "high" during their earlier days due to hormones and neurotransmitters, right, "love at first sight", but those will eventually cease production as all does. It is your choice to nurture that relationship and to cherish it, to keep and to care for it. Blood does not matter, home is a person and it's right next to me, right now. I think that is what Frau Eva is, as a whole. And allowing that feeling to coexist with the platonic and the romantic is very important as I see it. One of the main problems of this motherly dynamic is the power difference, what makes Sinclair struggle in his childhood is the constant sensation of being watched, of being subjected to severe judgement. Frau Eva is supposed to remove that factor, she listens and she welcomes any thought or idea, there isn't fear of rejection or punishment, that's what makes it feel "like home". That was, kind of, the last step to reach the fulfillment Sinclair needed. I see Eva as the "destination" of this whole thing.

And Demian, he is the journey. One of the biggest mistakes one can make is to dismiss the process and work that goes into an achievement, because it is important. There is no Eva without Demian, they are intrinsic by nature. And journey is something that never leaves you. Even when Sinclair reaches his destination, he never stops caring about Demian. He visits Eva and he visits Demian, even if he has to walk through horrible weather, he speaks of his dreams to them, and he sits at the table and eats with them. Because during your journey you gain so many things you never expected, and at the end of the road, they become part of your fulfillment and needs as much as the main achievement is.

What Sinclair obtains from Demian and Eva, and everything in between them, is a unique relationship, deeply fulfilling, trusting, reassuring, a place where you know you can come to, even when you're at your lowest. Eva capitalizes on the genuine care, nurturing qualities, but Demian, too is a mentor, although I find falconer to be a better comparison. He helps the sparrowhawk grow its clipped wings, but in turn, he shall not stop it from flying, only the bird itself can choose to return the falconer's affections. But at the end of the day, all the falconer wishes for is to see him take flight. Sinclair obtains everything: friendship, camaraderie, acceptance, relief of a deep rooted guilt, no judgement for his human desires, the care and trust he lost from his mother, and something to look forward to after waking up in the mornings.

At the end of the book, Sinclair is separated from both of them, as I've said, they are intrinsic. But of course, they don't fully leave. As I see it, the kiss being from Eva means that your achievement is and will always be a sweet thought. Something you hold dear, that you can think of to comfort yourself. But Demian is there to deliver it and to fix Sinclair's wounds because journey is experience. It is what strengthens you and gives you the tools to face future endeavors. And it feels safe... You are finally safe within yourself.

But what about the scary factor, though? Because that is present too in both Demian and Eva (which I happen to really enjoy, as well). As always, I think it's a balance. It's good to know fear, it's a human emotion like any other. But the fear that radiates from them is more... Animal-like. The fear Sinclair once felt was a deep rooted terror that was born from something divine. You're being watched. You're being judged. You're wrong. You're a sinner. That's scary. Because it's telling you that the danger comes from yourself. When you see a beast staring into you, you don't feel self conscious, you don't feel repulsed, you feel the most natural shape that fear has. Beautiful things are scary. A snake can be scary. The stars can be scary. But it's not their fault, and it's not your fault either, it's just how it's meant to be. Because all feelings —love, anger, fear, sadness— and more, they are all important, they are all natural. But natural feelings can be beautiful. Artificial feelings make you fear something you've never witnessed, they make your stomach churn at the thought of yourself and they make you cry for something you haven't done. And most people around you live holding onto relationships that are, fundamentally, held by artificial feelings.

That is... Most of what I interpret from this book. And, god. It feels more like the book read me and not the other way around. I think I've truly found a bigger respite in art thanks to this novel. I have wanted to see the same beauty in the naturally grotesque... Learn about myself until rotting, flesh, maggots become just as beautiful and full of meaning as spring rivers and flowering plains, and for anger and fear to turn into something I can love and cherish like I do my inner child. Although they, too, have surely grown up.

That's it. I wanna play toysssss

[reilliane]

“Antiquity”

When they used to be free in the sky.

The rolling tides at Yaoguang Shoal are timid as of late, which is understandable given it's the cusp of summer and there aren't any nearing storms.

This makes it an opportunity for the locals to stroll around the beach, hence the populace—though it's a little small today. Perhaps because it's almost dusk.

Still, people are people, and Xiao is not one for crowds at all. If she isn't littering and throwing those absurd wish bottles out into the sea, then she'd be splashing about in her mindless frivolities.

So, he can't help but sound wry as he watches the deity run and spin in the shallow water, as though dancing. He huffs.

Sometimes, he really questions why he had chosen to enter a contract with her, sometimes. He just can't fathom how a diety can be so... oh well, Morax always said that Barbatos is worse.

“You and your infantile singularities can't begin to construe why you've yet to discover your powers.”

The woman gasps, stopping her attempted pirouette to stand straight and whip her head at him. “Adeptus Xiao, you can't possibly be insinuating that I am flighty?”

“Are you not?”

“Hrrr!” she flushes, taking the hems of her dress so she can lift them and move out of the water, bare feet digging into the sand.

With a tiny pout, she sits on the stones he's situated at, bringing her knees close to her chest. The wind bristles, brushing strands of her hair away and letting him see the dismay on her face.

Xiao sighs. Ah, it's like taking care of a child.

“You don't think I try? It's not my fault I can't ascertain what they are... aside from miraculously ceasing your karma whenever I'm nearby...” hearing her reason makes him look at her from the corners of his eyes.

The topic of needing to discover her powers comes by once in a blue moon, and when it does, he never fails not to detect the melancholia at her proceeding failure.

It is the only time he gets to see her be mellow and staid.

“I do think about my inability to uncover what I'm meant to do, you know? I just... try not to let it drag me down when I fail to see an answer.” [Name] murmurs.

“...”

He doesn't provide a response.

Oh, maybe he got a little heated? Despite the deity's flippancy, he can admit that she's obstinate in her endeavors to ascertain her purpose and powers.

Finding those doesn't come easy...

The Yaksha doesn't know how long they've been in each other's presence at the shoal, in the presence of silence. It's rather suffocating, however.

Dear heavens he isn't used to such quietude when she's here.

As though understanding his little dilemma, the deity stands, peering at the dimming sky with a hum. Naturally, his eyes follow her every movement. What is she planning now?

“It's almost evening,” [Name] is quick to wash her feet off before sliding them back into her footwear, casting him a smile.

Having been at her side for decades, he can tell with complete ease that the smile he's seeing belies the lingering despondency within it.

“I'm going to head over to the harbor and take part in the festival. Maybe I'll release a lantern or two.”

Lantern Rite...

Swallowing his pride, he stands, dematerializing his primordial jade in the process.

“I'll join you.”

The lady trips with a shriek.

Quick on his feet, he saves her from a nasty, sandy fall, letting his arms catch her just in time. The touch is no longer foreign, but he's still quite tense.

[Name] flitters her eyes at him, cheeks a rosy hue as she steadies herself upright with an embarrassed 'thank you'. She doesn't let go of her hold on his arms.

“Y-you will?”

When you reject my invite year after year?

Oh, he can understand her perplexion.

Eye twitching, Xiao drops his hold with a barely contained snarl.

“Don't overthink things,” he states firmly with a turn on his heel, though his hand is outstretched for her to take. “It is merely my intention to keep you safe, as per what our agreement entails.”

[Name] blinks, the warmth on her cheeks getting hotter as she stares at the inviting hand. Without a doubt, he means to teleport them both near the harbor so they can get there as quick as possible.

As always, the Yaksha is so thoughtful.

She doesn't let the reason dampen her thoughts. As long as he's coming then what else can she possibly ask for?

Giggling, she eagerly takes his hand, slotting their fingers together without complication. It feels nice.

“How lovely, then!”

𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐑 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐋 -

[enarmor]

Doorways: Decorating each doorway is a sprig of fresh mistletoe. Rumor has it that it's a Chalphy tradition for two people to share a kiss if they are caught under it together. You wouldn't deny the tradition of your hosts, would you?

"Are you aware mistletoe is poisonous?" It was an honest question, their voice lacking the sardonic bite that would edge their words if they were any less than earnest. "I am going to assume you either do not, or attempting to play that rumour into your favour is worth the risk."

They stood a few paces from the doorway, out of the sprig's reach and the behaviour that was invited by it's mere presence.

"Though there is no need to concern. As long as you don't go digesting it." Really, he had no reason to do such a thing so this was little more than an amusing little exchange. At least for Arval it was.

The tradition for the plant was not quite a situation they had much understanding and consequently little desire for, but they saw no reason why they couldn't twist the tradition to suit the pairs more usual topic of botany.

"Mistletoe is parasitic, you know. As well the infestation can trigger Witches Broom in their unfortunate hosts. Nasty little plant when it is not decorating the doorways." Their lips curled, amusement found blatant in the nature of the plant. "I am unsure where the tradition started exactly, but a little ironic the plant that, heh, brings people together is a parasite."

"Then it is just like love, my dear Arval. Just like love."

Sain snaps back with gusto abound, confident he knows his way around this doorway. And you'd think he would, by how much time he's spent by it tonight. He tries to play things off as having an unbroken spirit in the face of so many rejections,

But really, he's just glad to see Arval.

"Does a rose not have its thorn? Does the dazzling daffodil not scorn the hand at its bulb?" His lips spin in turn, corkscrewing in a grin he'd find uncontrollable until it matches that of the Lily's. A symbiotic gesture, it proudly displays how fond he is of their flowery discussions.

"Poison is a vital part of love," he is all too ready to point out, "it comes with all the slaps and rejections a knight must endure!" Of which he has endured many. To say they haven't made him the man he is today would be to deny that the sea does not shape the land around it.

"You say the mistletoe is parasitic? Then let it be a reminder: our affections, too, are parasites. When we are cursed to loneliness, we don't just want another... We need them. Sometimes that need drives us to madness." His voice rings with a vast wealth of experience, again in being both lonely and too engorged for his own good. Sain has had his ups and downs. He's experienced flings, let his heart soar above the clouds, said things he never meant. He knows both the good and the bad of the heart, in spite of his recent inability to attract the pulse of someone else's.

He holds the spring beneath his fingers, allowing torchlight to glisten against the skin of its berries. They look like red gems--each worth more than their weight in gold--but his friend's knowledge hasn't been lost on him. They are a plague to humankind, like beauty as human sin.

"But still... Love finds a way. Just you wait, my friend! I'll be licking the venom from a lady's lips by the end of the night! And if I'm not, I'll have you to speak with, right? Right?"

[mcalhenwrites]

Some personal stuff! (Good, mainly?)

We signed the lease, will be moving in about a month to another state. This means I'll be busy packing! But I'm still going to be writing in-between, especially since... I started packing this summer, slowly, and it's fortunate bc my health is atrocious. I have had an ovarian cyst issue for years now, and this one isn't bleeding out and hasn't for months. It just sits there and makes more organs and my back and hip ache really badly from the pressure. Hopefully I can take care of that when I get settled in. I might post my wishlist when I'm settled in, but I also think that since it's am*zon, like... hopefully people can find the same items on another site if they wish and send them via that. :D Always an option! But yeah, going to write. Will be posting stuff on AO3 sometimes? (I cannot guarantee this.) I could really use some word-of-mouth help when the time comes, since this is my income until my health is addressed, and even then... I'm not sure what's going to happen. I have to find out if I have Sjogren's, bc it runs in my family and I have the symptoms, and if I have that, it could be pretty impactful alongside fibro and a handful of other issues. I don't want to go on disability, I don't want to have my entire life flipped invasively upside down to most likely be rejected anyway. I'm hoping I can help my roommate out with more than just cooking and cleaning when my health allows, though. So selling my books and maybe having something like p*treon might help! In the meantime, just knowing what people might be able to say about my writing helps me know my strong points. If I do have any weak points, I do accept criticism! I want to get better. :) Seriously, it'll be good for me to get out of this house while it falls apart and breaks with no repairs, and mostly? I'm getting away from family. Finally. HUGE SHOUT OUT TO MY ROOMMATE! They are covering so many of my costs and giving me the chance to get my life in order. I gotta work hard and do my best. I know it won't be all sunshine and rainbows leaving my current environment for a new and better one, that there will be stresses and I will have episodes and forget I'm not home... I've heard that happens, esp with trauma and abuse? But I bet it's easier when you aren't IN the abusive environment to deal with that... Anyway, yeah! Mostly good. Minus the health shit. Going to do some writing and laundry and packing now. Then I'll relax with some video games or smth... or more writing... I'm not doing NaNo officially this year. Don't know if it can happen, so I'm just going to finish Seasons side stories, Rascal side stories, and work on Name the Frogs and The Dragons' Cosmos! Sending good luck to everyone, sorry I'll be pretty scarce but hopefully things settle down by Jan after the holidays :D (And I'm wishing you well, I know some people are having a hard time right now for various reasons, and I know world-wise, things are fucking rougher than ever. Take care and do what you can, though. Sending good vibes.)

[inz-lokisdottir]

Can you write a letter for Scott please? I don’t know what kind from the meme thing, so you can pick that part

picked from random wheel generator

There's an envelope left on his bed. Inside is quite a lengthy letter, she feels like she has a lot to apologise for.

Dear Antpapa, I know you don't like when I refuse help. I know you want to help me and I understand why, ant and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for frustrating you every time I do so. I'm not one who usually tries to justify any wrongs I do...sometimes. I guess. But in this case, I will. But it's not to say I don't appreciate your wanting to help, I just feel like you should know but I find it hard struggle to speak about it in person. The words don't come out as easily. I won't go into detail because it's a lot...but I just want to start by saying I really do appreciate that you always want to help and care about my safety. But, and this is my first reason, some of the things I do are one-person things. Sneaking around, listening in to things, planning quickly...all those things are much easier to do when I'm by myself. I don't have to discuss or stop to think about how I can do stuff without making sure both people are kept safe, and I don't have to think about making sure to tell everything to the other person if I'm workig working with them. If you get me...if you don't then I'll try and explain it better... but its just more easier for me overall. Second, I have worked with and fought alongside people before. More in the past than I do now because... well, y'know. I was smaller, I kind of needed a lot more help than I do now sometimes. And most of those people are gone. I lost them on missions that were meant to be mine, they paid for my mistakes and the risk of being around with me with their lives. I don't want that to happen to you. It still happens, even just a few months ago at Christmas. I found out I lost a guy who literally saved my life, or he tried to anyway until we were both caught. Point is, I'm scared of you getting hurt. I don't want it to happen and I really don't want it to be my fault. It's not like I do this to just you, I say the same to everyone. ...well, not all this but just that they can't come with. There are other reasons but I don't think i'm as open about them yet...but if I do feel open enough then hey, who knows. You might get another little letter like this one just appearing on your bed again.

Just to end this, I really want to emphasise that I am sorry for always rejecting your help and I really appreciate it and I love you, but my answer will keep being no. I think...maybe. But mainly that i'm sorry... Love, Inzy. <333

@antvnger

[acefaun]

Hi faun! I'm the anon who sent ask to imhereforscm and reading your reply warmed my heart ❤️, so thank you! I know the leon hate has been going on since the early days, and after seeing fanwars and discourse, I thought that it's better for me to leave.

So really, I thank you and imhereforscm for being a welcoming and positive blog ❤️. Also, I absolutely adore your works!! You have such a cute artstyle and you write lovely fics! I'm amazed at the amount of energy you have; it's always inspiring when you people being passionate about things XD

I like all of the SCM characters, even the side characters! And I am in a big poly relationship with our pantheon of 12, so your boyfriends are safe in my hands. 💕

I just hate when people feel like they can't be apart of a fandom just because of a character they like. But I also feel like a lot of people get peer pressured into liking and disliking certain characters. We might harass some gods for fun, but there's no peer pressure or bullying around here.

And I think the dark gods and dark king are off their rockers... But I don't hate them. 😚

Honestly, if anyone came up to me with a request for one of the side characters, I'd be willing to write about them too! You can't really force anyone to like or not like a character and I don't think fandoms are fair when it comes to things like that.

I actually abandoned a fandom once because of a horrible experience I had with another creator. I'd asked an innocent question about this person's OC and their relationship with another canon character and it didn't go very well... My sensitive heart couldn't handle a brutal rejection, so I dropped out of there. Lucky I did, I ran into this fandom! 😌

And ever since I found the sweet and small SCM fandom, I personally try to make it as welcoming as possible so no one has to go through fandom heart break(unless I'm writing angst... Then my goal is to shed tears and hit people in the feels.😙) So anyone and everyone are welcome with their different likes and dislikes and preferences!

The only energy I'm capable of having is fandom energy! And I have too much of it! That's why I get my creative ADHD. I have so many ideas and not enough time, even though I find myself writing almost 24/7! I'll be writing fics on my phone everywhere I go and people are giving me these looks like "oh shit, who's she sending a long ass message to?!"

Writing and drawing are seriously my reasons to live and breathe. So I come to Tumblr every so often with an explosion of ideas that sometimes get completed quickly and sometimes really really slowly. It all depends on my inspiration at the time.

BUT THANK YOU! 💖💖 I love when my favorite things make other people happy too! I get all warm and fuzzy inside. So I got my husband pantheon and my fandom wives. 🥰 I've never been happier in any other fandom and I hope more people can enjoy it!

[vannahfanfics]

Hiya! I apologize in advance if this sounds creepy, but I've seen your name in a lot of zines recently, and got kind of intrigued. As a person who got into like, 80 zines in the past 2.5 years, do you have any tips/tricks/reflections for people who are only starting out? from outsider pov, it seems like you're in a new zine every week or two, so i was wondering if there's even more zines you didn't make it into, or how long it took to get into that first one?

Haha, no, it's not creepy at all! I've been in over 100 zines so far and done a lot of bangs and events on top of that, and it's led to my name getting around. Fairly often I'll join a zine server and someone will have worked with me before or know of me 🤣 So don't sweat it! It's honestly nice to be recognized :)

So, as far as advice--the first zine I was involved in was actually free to join! You'll find several zine companies like that, @anizines in particular hosts a lot of them, and we're tight :) From there, I just dove in. I scoured my socials for zine and event trackers and followed them, as they readily retweet/reblog zine posts. I check my socials multiple times a day, and I follow any zines/events I'm interested in and also have my own zine/event tracking document that I routinely update. And I just apply to as many zines as I can! That's really what it comes down to. I have definitely been rejected by at least twice as many zines as I've been accepted into; it's just such a saturated market with so many eager creators. A big reason I am "successful" by zine standards is that I am active in way more fandoms than the average person, so I apply to a LOT of zines. Being rejected is not a result of lack of talent or anything; there's just so much that goes into zine applications, and luck is a good part of it. I just apply and apply and apply! Sometimes my portfolio isn't a "perfect" fit, but I'll still apply anyway with the best of what I have because it's better than not! At the moment, I just don't have the time to write new pieces for every zine I apply to, especially because I apply to so many. Applying is the key! Never be afraid to apply, even if you think that what you've got isn't the exact theme of the zine. Sometimes you get lucky, especially because mods judge applicants on a lot more than theme alone. And the more you get out there, the more your name will get around, and zine mods and other contributors will remember you! That's the best part of zines for me, more than the act of being accepted into them--the community that comes along with it. I've made a lot of good friends thanks to zines and events!

In summary, you just gotta get out there, keep track of the zines you're interested in, and apply, apply, apply! Keep practicing your craft at the same time, and you'll start making your way in. Don't get discouraged by rejections. Even the "best" zine people have a slew of rejections behind them far greater than their acceptances. It's not about getting into zines or not getting in--it's about celebrating the love of fandom and getting to know like-minded creators.

I hope this advice is helpful! I'm always happy to help, and that includes beta-ing or looking over portfolios :) Good luck to any zine beginners!

[askaborderline]

I have bpd and my usual outlet (d&d) fell apart due to drama (not any I was involved in) with other players and so I’ve been hyper fixating on my FP again which is great except??? I’m constantly splitting, I’m possessive, I want to fight everyone, I am going from in love to couldn’t care less to absolute devotion and dedication again, I can’t even ask to spend time with them because I feel like I’m asking too much and because I’m quiet about all of it, they don’t know how I’m feeling bc aforementioned anxiety takes over my ability to communicate and set boundaries. I just.. forgot how awful it is to fixate on them like this.

I’m also super sexual as a response (sex = no abandonment right? - hypersexuality as a trauma response for an aro-spec/ace-spec was a funny turnout for me innit) but I’m So Terrified of rejection that I never initiate and the times I do initiate, I feel like a predator or something so I just feel anxious all the time and ALL of this has been triggering my psychosis & paranoia and I don’t know how to make it stop. my outlet (d&d) is nigh impossible to get going again Bc of how hard it is to get people into a group on time at the same time when life gets in the way. I’m trying a bunch of different outlets like art and writing but nothing seems to be filling the cavity and I don’t know how to break this fixation because I get stress nightmares about them (fp) and even if they show they care, my brain will twist it with reasons that I’m just being manipulated or that I’m being manipulative by having these feelings at all.

DBT doesn’t seem to be helping either because my brain knows how to talk around reassurances, reminders, urge surfing, etc. when I’m like this. It just feels like distress with no soothing, not from myself or from FP or from other friends or any of my outlets. Idk most of this is just a vent but I just.. I’m kinda at my wits end. I know eventually it’ll end but I’m just… tired of it. It’d be different if I was able to soothe, but nothing- not even my destructive coping mechanisms feel good, not that they should but it’s kinda like.. damn nothings working. What am I supposed to do when neither healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms are working and the strongest outlet I had that Did work is nearly impossible to get set up again? (I tried working out but I have disabilities that make exercise more costly than safe). I’m at least eating healthy and drinking water (with electrolytes to keep me from dehydrating on days when my body simply forgets it exists).

Hi anon,

"Just a vent" this may be, I hope it helped you to get this off your chest and just written out somewhere. Frankly, I know all too well what it's like to be "at wit's end" - I've spent the better part of this year in complete shambles myself, dealing with the worst symptoms of this disorder imaginable and barely pushing through. And yeah, I'll be upfront with you - sometimes I have days, weeks, even months where none of my coping mechs seem to put through, where my hobbies fade away into a dull gray uninteresting mess. It does happen. Not everyone can be recovering all the time, and that's okay.

What is important is you keep trying. You're already eating and drinking, which is one hell of an achievement in a situation like this. If it takes a little bit to work up to other forms of self-care, that's okay - it's important that you keep trying, but if it doesn't work you're not a failure. Struggle is a sad certainty with this disorder, but you're right, it will get better eventually, you just have to push through it.

I'd also like to strongly emphasize that you are not a predator, though if it helps you find some solace, I struggle with the same problems very frequently - hypersexuality combined with a fear of making someone uncomfortable. My mood swings have been about as intermittent and violent as yours seem to have been, and I know it's a special kind of hell to live in, but it's important to remember you're not a bad person - you were just born with a brain that wasn't made for this world.

None of this is to say you're doomed or all hope is lost. I reiterate, it will get better. But for now, you just need to keep holding on, keep trying, and if it helps, take some solace that I, at least, am going through much the same things you are. Just had some major fallout with my FP myself as I felt attention-starved, so I really get it. But you gotta keep pushing.

I have faith in you. If you ever need to vent more or talk, feel free to write me an ask. You got this :)

Cheers, Jane

[lifeafteratransplant]

Health Anxiety & Trying to Get Into a Routine

Life, is hard. No doubt about it, and having a crazy, stressful schedule is not making it any easier, obviously.

No I don't have kids, but I have a husband, two animals, and myself. Lab/blood draw appointments every Monday, grocery shopping, taking my photography classes, taking my dog to vet for whatever reason, taking him to the groomers, making sure I visit with my mom, and talk to my family back in Iowa, it all comes down on me, and yeah it might not seem as hard as raising a kid, but it is hard for me.

I am double organ transplant recipatant. Which means that I have health anxiety through the roof sometimes. I have to check my blood levels every week just tp make sure I am ok. I hope that it isn't like that forever but I have been through 3 rejections in the 2 years since I had my transplant. Every time was terrifying. This last time was the scariest thought, cause it wasn't just my pancreas it was my kidney too. The thought of loosing my kidney made me sob, and my heart jump out of my chest. My pancreas has been touchy since the get-go. If I loose that I would become diabetic again, which I can handle. Loosing my kidney would me I would have to go back on dialysis and for me that isn't an option. They have used the strongest rejection drugs on me as the possibly can, 3 times now. Meaning that I cannot take them again. Imagine that in the back of your head 24/7, not fun.

This anxiety that I carry makes it hard to make plans, be in public, affects relationships, and causes deep depression and loneliness. I live in a state where this not a lot to do. With my multiple rejections, I haven't been able to hold a job, So basically I am a stay home wife, and that is not something I thought I would ever be. I'm not saying that is bad by any means, but I NEED to have a job to feel like I am contributing to society some how. It becomes very lonely and I fall into a state of depression where it is hard to get out of sometimes.

That is where the second half of the title of this blog post comes in. Trying to have a routine is so important. You have better sleep, which helps your mood, and you energy levels, which helps you get done that shit that needs to get done. I wake up about 8:30-9 every morning, and as of recently try to have breakfast. Whether it be a smoothie, toast and fruit, eggs and bacon. Something in my stomach always helps. Also I take a lot of meds so that is important to have food in your system when taking those. From there, I usually get on the computer check my emails, scroll Facebook, and then look at what I need to do around the house. I am ALWAYS cleaning it seems, I have two pets, both who shed like crazzzzy! Vacuuming every day or every other day is a must, and moping at least once a week. I cooke a lot so constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove and counter tops. The list goes on. After the cleaning is done, I watch my photography courses, do some laundry, make myself lunch, and as of recently I had to put together a whole list of documents for my husband's immigration lawyer so he can get his 10 year green card. Some days I run into town to run errands, like doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pick up medications, and as of recently furniture shopping. (I'll explain that in another post) I find that just having a list of things to do and crossing them off really helps me.

Everyone's life is different, so that means every routine will look different. Don't model your life after someone else's, you do what works best for you and your schedule. Know your limits, take the time to rest and take care of yourself and life will start to get, maybe not easier, but let's say peaceful. Find solitude and happiness in the little things, and don't take yourself so seriously. Always take care of YOU first, then you can give your best self to the ones you love.

Much love,

Karli

[ym533]

Scott Street; screen after a midnight nap

There isn't anything—not one thing—that makes sense about what I am trying to do. I have it good. There is no reason for which a person such as I could think of ending their life. In fact, I could name many a barrier to such a commitment, given that I have made one. There is not a single person that I hold space for in my life who would not care about me. I have exceedingly devoted parents. I have concerned and providing siblings. I have friends who may go after me as they see me start to run. I have extended family and other inherited relations who will wonder why I've gone. I have schoolmates and contemporaries who will raise questions about what they're seeing of me. For those of these people who regard me as a friend or acquaintance, I would guess that they may find my behaviour peculiar. I wonder what they'll think of me, for these types of friends never see much of my mind.

I think my death might make the news, particularly if pursue the idea of disappearing first. I think my death might reach an unreasonable height in the news. I would hate for that to happen. Although, I also feel it might not—for shame. Beyond my warped sense of isolation, I can tell it is true that people care for me. In fact, I isolate myself with a solemn concession that I show disregard for how people around me might feel. I owe something to them, some would have me believe. I have heard it said to me. They have bent their backs over satisfying me and, so, I owe them. They have given me all the love that there is to give in the world and, so, I owe them. I can't see how that might be true. To me, things like love or devotion can only truly be given when you aren't expecting anything for them, in return. But, I digress there.

Each day, I walk about with my perfect little life. I have a heartful of food to keep me warm and satisfied. I walk out the door withholding goodbyes to those who wish they'd heard more from me. I dress well enough. I can pass for beautiful, albeit with some work, and I perform presentably enough in the roles where I am. At least, I could argue for that case. There are regular preoccupations that entertain me. There are people that accept me and, despite my stubborn confusion at this fact, seek me out for camaraderie. There are people who want me—that, alone, I know is a lot that many ask for. Then, when the day is done, I have a home I return to where I am loved like a child. I am so loved like a child that I sometimes wonder at all why I reject this love so. So many people would ask for half of what I have. Many, perhaps, have died over being denied this. Yet, here I am, somehow appearing to need more while at the same time assuming I deserve less. Funny.

I don't doubt that pain will ensue after my death. I also don't doubt that my choices will earn me scorn. I don't really think much of any of this. From the start, how other people needed me was totally out of the question. I didn't need them, after all. At least, I tell myself that. The compromise I can reach, most reasonably, is that I can rest with their disapproval if it means I won't need to live with their loss. I, quite literally, would rather die than have somebody whom I even question loving die before me. The severed ties to the turmoil might drive me mad. They also might not. I hope I'll never need to know which is true.

Perhaps, what I can say for sure about what I feel the most right now, is that I wish people had less to do with me. I wish I could be allowed to merely pass through. I wish I could more freely walk out of doors. I wish I could go through the motions without anybody else asking me to live. I wish there wasn't anybody who assumed I would live. Is this my asking for total abandonment? I wonder the same. Perhaps, with this, I am simply reacting to the pinches I feel when I walk against the strings that tie me back to life. One would wish to cut them off, with not much thought to what it must really feel like to be left to float—or fall. I don't think it's falling, it's drifting. I wonder if I could give that a try. Although, I know there won't be any going back if I did untie or cut myself loose. I know not everyone will be so accommodating of the experiment. People aren't so elastic, and I know I will be the last person that can be called such. That, in other news, may be part of my problems. I digress again. Given how things may be, I choose to go anyway. Maybe everything I'm wondering about won't amount to anything at all. I know that's how I would prefer it, and I won't turn back on my word and hope I had it differently. Whatever may be, the only way I can see things play out is to keep going on. So, go on, I will.

[Editor's Note: This was not edited and might be open to additions.]

[seafrayeager]

Séafra Speaks Vol. 1 - From 2016 to 2022: the Missing Years

For my first major post on Tumblr, I felt that I owe it to some people who may have known me in the interstitial years before 2016 and what's transpired between then and now. Granted, if you're new then welcome to the madhouse club. So I'll begin by saying that this is going to be a personal story that I feel the need to tell people. To get my perspective on life in the view for others to understand. Where it all began: In 2008, shortly after my thirteenth birthday, I lost a close friend. Their death was something that lingered on my mind and became the onus of my depression for nearly ten years thereafter.

My state of mind at the time wasn't really in a good place as I felt a sense of survivor's guilt (if that's the right term) towards this particular friend's death, even knowing now that it was entirely out of my hands. I was inconsolable and a part of me was shaken to my very core about it.

And I nearly killed myself, leading to what comes next...

I ended up in a relationship with a girl a year older than me that ended up being a horrific mistake—knowing now the extent of the abuse I felt by them. From being asked constantly about the hanky panky and rejecting it, it was one of the things that affected me negatively and greatly contributed to my mental decline.

By 2013, that person was gone from my life; though it took several friends to stand up for me as, initially, I was a coward in actually breaking up the relationship. Eventually it boiled over when I had no other choice to stand up and tell her off.

To this day, I find it incredibly hard to talk about this stuff. It takes a lot of courage to get personal like this.

But had I known the things I know now, I don't imagine a lot would have changed—as everything formed me into the person I was.

Needless to say, I won't deny that I wasn't that great of a person either; as my depression affected my personal relationships with people and how I chose to interact with them in sometimes coarse or rude manners.

I was medicated on a cocktail of anti-depressants—it probably didn't help me at the time as they made me feel numb and careless.

Relationships broke down, my life wasn't going the way it was, and my constant panic attacks prevented me from being a mature and reasonable person at the time. It's that indecisive nature that also had me ultimately walk out of one relationship with a close friend—and that was after a one night stand.

In the time between all of these, I had multiple attempts on my life made by the very hands trembling on the keyboard now. I've lost count of how many times these hands have tried—but it's more than enough to make me realize things now.

By 2016, though things were going well in some regard, I was losing more and more of my sanity and grasp on reality due largely in-part to my anti-depressants and the lingering effect that my then-ex inflicted onto me. I also quit Tumblr for the time being as it wasn't something I was keen on using for any longer.

And it all leads to the end of early 2017���I had a near-death experience following a failed attempt to kill myself in late 2016.

The cause of this near-death experience was severe withdrawl from my anti-depressants (they were contributing to my decline) and it lead to my momentary death while asleep.

It was in those three, long minutes of being dead did I ultimately find a way out of my depression... I saw what the world beyond was and it, strangely, it was like what KH3 would describe it: an endless world of sea and sky with no stop in sight.

Then I saw a door—I don't know where it lead but the figure I saw in that dying dream leads to "a place where I am not ready to face."

Then, after what felt like an eternity of being dead and speaking to the figure, I woke up—and for nearly the first time in my entire life, I was able to properly let out some cry of relief; finally feeling the right path opened up for me to face everything.

Throughout 2017 and 2018, I took a seat and began reflecting a lot on the good and the bad—ultimately coming to realize that I can't ignore the faults of my own; nor can I forget the very things that made me be who I am.

But in accepting that, it came with the greatest lesson: that I'm human at the end of the day and, yes, we all make mistakes as a result. That my own shadow is as tall as my soul—to make peace with that repressed side of myself is nothing short of beautiful. It feels like I've finally found some semblance of peace in my mind...

And that's really it.

The last seven years has changed a lot of my perspective on life and, in that same narrative, I've come to greatly appreciate the fact that I'm alive and breathing—that even with whatever darkness lingers on the horizon, I can still stand tall to face it head-on. Being stronger than I was before climbing out of that hole to reach the stars above.

But it also has made me more greatly appreciate people... both in and out of my life. Because without those to surround you with genuine friendship, compassion, or even the reminder to bring yourself down out of the skies you become the very thing that you fear.

"To win is to lose, to lose is to win."

I attribute that quote to both needing a win and a loss to truly understand and humble yourself for the better. That the greatest lesson in life is to be your truest and best self.

But more importantly: be grateful of what you have, because you never know when it'll vanish.

I hope you'll forgive me being personal for a first post—I wanted to clear my mind and get this out there.

Stay shining, readers — Séafra Yeager

[kyber-crystal]

An Accidental Confession

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Words: ~3.1k

Summary: In which you decided to a record a message explaining your feelings for Steve in case you didn't make it out of your mission alive. You don’t have any intention of it actually being heard by him, but you have no other choice to face your fear when it’s accidentally broadcasted across the entire compound.

Warnings: none, this is pure fluff haha with hints of a cocky steve hehe.

A/N: Some dialogue credits go to Descendants of the Sun! (yes, this is a oneshot of a scene from it, bc I love that drama with my whole heart) 

Tags: Dedicating this to @sylvie-writes​ because she’s an absolute SWEETHEART. I LOVE YOU BB. go follow her!

"Hey, Y/N, check this out!"

You glanced up from where you were furiously typing away at the computer to see Peter with a wide grin on his face. "Hm?"

"Look what I found! Mr. Stark's old speaker set!" The teenager went around to behind the table and rolled out the speaker in front of you. "It was a bit souped up, but all it really needed was some TLC and here it is, good as new!"

"Found this old thing while he was cleaning up," Tony explained, "you wanna hook your phone up and give it a go?"

"Uh...sure, why not," you shrugged, standing up and pushing your seat in, making your way over to the two of them. You took your phone out of your pocket and plugged it in.

"Check, one, two," Peter spoke into the small microphone. "Check one, two, three. Hey! It's working!"

You couldn't help but grin at his enthusiasm. "How old is this thing, anyway?"

"Older than me, that's for sure. Now play something!"

"Alright, alright. Let's see..." you scrolled through your playlists until you found the one you wanted, pressing 'play' and putting it on shuffle. "There."

"Fly Me To The Moon! May played it for me all the time when I was little," Peter exclaimed. "She always insisted I educate myself on older music. Now I'm glad she did."

Bucky and Sam stopped screaming at each other as they battled it out in Mario Kart, quieting down and humming to the beat as they held their controllers tightly. Wanda smiled to herself as she stirred the pot of soup on the stove, Bruce on the verge of falling asleep as he sipped his coffee at the kitchen island and read a news article on his phone. The energy within the compound seemed to lighten significantly as Frank Sinatra's soothing voice echoed off the walls.

You went out to the patio to relax, crossing your arms and closing your eyes as the sounds of chirping crickets and music mixed together in one soothing melody, the moonlight reflecting over the water. For a brief moment in time, you were at peace - and you relished in the temporary feeling of serenity. The 'city that never slept' was sleepy, for once. It wasn't all that late, but you were already beginning to succumb to fatigue's temptations.

But then, the song came to an end and switched off to something else.

"Hey, Steve. I hope this message never finds you because if it does...it means I'm most likely dead-" your all-too familiar voice came over the phone, thick with tears as you struggled to contain your sobs. "God, what am I even doing here? I have a gunshot wound that most likely pierced a vital organ so I'm just gonna bleed out here alone- why am I even doing this? I don't even know how much longer it'll be before you arrive with the evac team...so I just want to apologize in advance for not coming back to you like I promised. If I'd known I'd die in a foreign country, I would've lived a more carefree life instead of constantly worrying, like you always told me to just relax sometimes, I'm so, so sorry-"

Your eyes widened in realization and you rushed across the facility as fast as you could possibly go to the labs.

"Leaving words like this before dying is so uncultured- please, Steve...are you on your way? Please tell me you're on your way. If I'm really dying here I don't wanna die alone. Please hurry...I don't think I can last until you get here. Even so, you'll be the first to find me if I die, that is, if my corpse isn't dragged away or some shit like that - God, this hurts- I almost forgot how much it hurt to get shot...damn...I really underestimated the power of a bullet, huh?

Steve's bandaged fists fell to his sides, the punching bag swinging back and forth so wildly that it would've knocked him over if it weren't for his muscular figure. His brow furrowed in concern and he felt a small ache his chest upon hearing your voice crack - you never cried, and even if you did, which was extremely rare, you were good at hiding it from others.

But then a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips - you did ramble sometimes, and he found it rather adorable. It was, in fact, one of the main reasons why he admired you so much.

"FRIDAY? Where's the source of this audio?"

"It's playing from Mr. Stark's speaker in the lab, Captain," the AI responded.

"Thank you."

He unwrapped the tape from around his hands and exited the training facility, going into a light jog as he headed up to the lounge.

"If I knew that I'd die like this, then I would've told you my true feelings. That I'm in love with you and I really wished you'd kissed me when we were watching that movie together- it was Die Hard, wasn't it? I really wished you'd done something. We were sitting so close, and...I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was tempted to just run my hands through your hair and kiss you. And I almost did. I'm so in love with you, hopelessly in love with you...and if there's anything that scares me more than dying alone, it's probably thinking of a way to tell you, and the fear of being rejected by my best friend, my partner in crime-"

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. You were in love with him? He felt his heartbeat pick up speed at the thought. He always held that small bit of hope in his heart that you'd feel the same way.

Just as Steve arrived at the labs, you came bursting through the doors with a look of sheer panic in your eyes, your face drained of all color. You quickly unplugged your phone from the speaker as he watched on in amusement.

"Want some, Mr. Stark?" Peter offered through a mouthful of popcorn, holding the bag out to his mentor. "Seems like we're in for a treat here."

"Where'd you get these, kid?" Tony questioned as he reached over and popped several kernels into his mouth. "Mm. Caramel, a classic."

"I always keep some with me. Never know when drama will break out."

Steve laughed and shook his head as you quickly turned around on your heel and sprinted out of the room. It was so unlike you to act like this - normally you were rather guarded and stoic. To see you as anything but was not only amusing, but adorable in his eyes - it was one of the many things he loved about you, in fact.

"Music...really changes a lot of things," Peter cleared his throat awkwardly.

The super-soldier cracked a smile. "I seem to be in the center of that change."

He said a few quick goodbyes went to find you, as Peter and Tony continued enjoying their popcorn together.

"Oh my god, I'm so stupid, oh my god, why did I even record that damn message," you muttered, finding yourself going back outside again. You needed to clear your head and get away from Steve. The secondhand embarrassment you just knew was waiting for you was almost too much to even think about - what would he think of you now? What would everyone else think of you?

Steve had beaten you to it and was already out there, leaning against the glass railing  with his arms crossed over his chest, wearing an amused expression on his face.

"Oh my god! You scared me!" your voice heightened to a shriek. "What the hell, Rogers? How are you here? Why are you here?"

"I know you like the back of my hand, sweetheart," he chuckled lightly. "You always come out here whenever you're restless or stressed out. Figured you'd try to flee as soon as you heard," he gestured back inside, "all that."

"That was none of your business!" you squeaked. "It was a private message, not meant for you to actually hear! It wasn't for you!"

"Well, you did announce it, publicly," he defended himself, pushing himself away from the railing and raising his hands in surrender. "And it sounded like it was for me. You said my name."

"It wasn't for you!"

"Then why'd you say Steve?"

"It's a different Steve?"

"A different Steve with a stealth suit, Quinjet, and evac team?"

"Y-yeah! B-but it's really funny. Why are you listening to other people's recordings?'

"Like I said, doll," your face flushed at the nickname, "it was broadcasted publicly. I didn't listen, I heard."

"Because you heard it, you carelessly hear it all the way through?"

He smirked. "You know, you're really cute when you're upset." He smirked, taking several steps towards you. You instinctively stepped back. "But why are you running away? When you were about to die you wanted to confess." With each step he took, you took another backwards. "But since you lived, you changed your mind?"

"Confess? That wasn't a confession. That wasn't me."

"This cell phone is yours," he held up your hand that tightly gripped your phone.

"This isn't a phone- Y/N, what the hell are you saying? Stop talking," you cursed yourself under your breath.

"It's an honor knowing I'm in your will," he said kindly.

"If you know then that's enough," you exhaled, stepping around him to leave. Steve stopped you by placing a hand out in front, before moving it to grip your wrist. You felt your skin heat up rapidly under his touch.

You gasped. "Look! Thor set the toaster on fire!"

"I'm not fooled, sweetheart."

You moved to try and leave again, but he only tightened his grip. "Whether or not it was a confession, I'm going to listen to it, so let's not run away, shall we?"

You were silent for several moments before responding, swallowing hard. "Okay. I got it. I'll answer you so let go of me and let's talk. Really."

"Really, right?"

He obeyed, releasing his hand from your wrist. You quickly moved around him and ran back inside. Steve just laughed to himself, shaking his head in disbelief.

"She finally did it," Sam nodded in approval as he and Bucky finished their Rainbow Road deathmatch. "Good game, man."

"Yeah, good game," they shook hands, "but if I'm being honest...I didn't expect things to go down like that. If anything, Steve seems like he'd be the first to confess. The way they're dancing around each other like oblivious monkeys...damn."

"Couldn't have described it better."

...

You flopped onto your bed, panting heavily as you stared up at the ceiling. Your heart was beating so fast that you felt like passing out. Maybe I'll just die like this and I won't ever have to confess for real, you thought. That sounds much better than death by blood loss from a gunshot wound.

"Hey, darling."

You sat up and let out a short scream as you saw Steve leaning against your doorframe, that damn smirk still on his face. "What the hell? You can't just ambush me like that! How long have you been standing there for?"

"Long enough," he chuckled, sliding his hands in his pockets and stepping inside. This time, you were too lazy to push him away, and just allowed him to sit down next to you at the edge of your bed. Steve propped his hand on his chin as he gazed at you, smiling.

You sighed and let your head fall into your hands. "This is all your fault."

"My fault?" Steve tilted his head in confusion. "How is this my fault?"

"Becau- never mind. I'm busy. I gotta go check up on the new lab I'm working on with Bruce."

You stood up abruptly, but he reached out and grabbed your wrist again. "I'm going to go to the labs, too. He asked me to help with a few things. I think you just found yourself an escort."

"I can go by myself, Rogers. I'm an adult," you gave him a pointed look.

"Ouch. That stung," he pretended to look hurt. "Last name calling? I thought we agreed on sappy pet names. And besides, you know what happened last time you went somewhere alone. You got shot."

"Whatever."

"Hold on," he tugged you back so that you had to sit down again. "Why do you keep running away from me? You confess your feelings in your will and then you run."

"It wasn't my will."

"You said you were scared to die alone."

"It wasn't me. Where is your bout of confidence even coming from?"

"I'm not asking how you feel about me at the moment. Don't feel bad that I found out how you feel about me. Because I'm in love with you too, and nothing can change the fact that I like you even more now."

You swallowed hard.

He smiled again. "And you look beautiful today, doll."

"Stop with the pet names," you mumbled. You couldn't stop the tremor in your tone as you spoke

"Hey hey hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Steve brought a hand up to your face, lightly skimming the tip of his thumb across your cheekbone to wipe away the tears that had fallen. "Hey. Tell me what's wrong, darling."

As soon as that last word left his lips, you lost it. A broken sob escaped from your mouth before you broke down, and he felt guilt settle in the pit of his stomach. Sure, he was lightly teasing you - but he didn't intend for his jabs to hurt you in any way. That was the last thing he wanted to do - to see you cry. He hated seeing you cry.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," he whispered, carefully wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to him, rubbing circles onto your back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken the teasing so far. I'm so sorry, Y/N-"

It took nearly twenty minutes for your sniffles to die down and another ten for your crying to stop completely, but he patiently held you until you did. And when it finally stopped, it still took you several moments before you could bring yourself to meet his eyes.

"I look like a mess," you muttered, quickly ducking your head down to wipe at your nose. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this-"

"You look lovely, regardless," Steve murmured, kissing your forehead. "You'll always look beautiful in my eyes."

"You're such a sap," you mumbled, closing your eyes. "I hate you."

"You know you love me, Y/N."

"No I don't."

"That message told me otherwise. You sounded like you were pretty in love, judging by the desperate tone in your voice-"

"Shut up!"

"Make me," he challenged, a smirk appearing on his face.

You huffed and stood up, crossing your arms. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that, Rogers?"

"Watch your language-"

"Make me."

"Using my own words against me, are you?" Steve raised a brow as he stood up as well, walking towards you. You kept walking backwards until you felt your back hit the wall and internally panicked when you realized there was nowhere else to go.

"Shit," you whispered. "I'm not escaping this one, am I?"

"Not a chance," he chuckled wistfully. You felt your heart do somersaults and your stomach twist itself into knots as he met your eyes, a softened look to them that you'd never seen before - what was it? Just a few minutes earlier you'd find yourself squirming beneath his intense gaze but for some reason, you stayed put.

When his lips pressed against yours, you felt a crackle of electricity across your skin and the world fell away. It seemed as if time stopped and held its breath as it watched the two of you, his arm curving around your waist as his free hand rested at the back of your neck, pulling you flush against him. Though you were taken aback by the sudden gesture and terrified you wasted no time in reacting, sinking deeper into the kiss. You could feel him smile against your lips and fireworks exploded inside your chest - if there was a way to describe pure magic, this would definitely be it. And he felt it too - and he swore to himself that he'd never felt a bigger rush of adrenaline before until now.

You looked absolutely stunning to him in that moment as you pulled apart - with your half-closed eyes, reddened cheeks, and swollen lips - his doing, no doubt. Your gaze slipped down to his equally swollen lips and you felt your face flush at the sight. Steve was quick to catch what you were doing and pulled you back in for more.

This time, it wasn't as innocent and quick. It was more needy, passionate - months, no, years of pent-up frustration he didn't even know he had seeping into it. Years of not being able to tell you finally being poured out into one grand gesture - years of finally getting closure because he now knew the girl he'd loved for as long as he could remember felt the same way.

"Oh my fucking shit."

The two of you were practically gasping for air as you broke apart a second time to see a smug-looking Sam.

"You just- I didn't interrupted something between y'all, did I?" Sam cocked a brow. "Looked like you were this close to-"

"No," you exhaled, "we weren't."

"I'm a GENIUS for fixing that speaker! If I hadn't done so you guys never would've gotten together!" Peter squealed as he appeared by the Falcon's side. "I believe a thank you is in order!"

"I hope my timing isn't bad, but I have to ask," Steve cleared his throat and looked you straight in the eye. "that was a confession, right? And you didn't do it just because you felt compelled to. Be honest with me."

You let out a sigh of defeat. "Yeah...it was."

He broke into a gorgeous, million-dollar grin that made you weak at the knees. He leaned down, lips ghosting over yours as if he was going to kiss you again - but pulled back, much to your disappointment.

"I guess I'm the victor of this battle, huh," he whispered before releasing his hold on you and walking out, leaving you to stand there utterly shell-shocked and speechless as Peter and Sam began teasing you.