#like i think people are removed from how the military recruits people

[lwcina]

part of the reason so many people are able to morally justify being in the military is specifically because we only critique when military directly kills people instead of focusing on making more systemic critiques of the military widespread. the people who join the military to shoot people know what theyre doing and dont care but the military is trying to rebrand. people mistakenly think "oh well im not holding a gun or piloting a drone or setting up explosives" = "i'm not doing anything harmful" like the military has been figuring out how to get past the criticism of "i dont want to kill people" for a while. to do any truly effective anti-enlistment propaganda we need more people to be aware of the negative impacts of the us military beyond the obvious direct violence

[banamine-bananime]

opinions on wash? for character bingo ^_^

I do love wash but for me he’s like, blorbo by proxy to soooo much of the fandom that i’m like aight he doesn’t need me there’s other people appreciating him way better than i would anyways. It’s also kind of that “zone of compelling mediocrity vs having nothing to add to a complete concept” thing for me. Like his character arc is arguably executed the best, at least one of the best-executed, in the show, and then any things to elaborate on have been elaborated on so well by so many awesome writers in this fandom that i’m like *thumbs up* tight story I have nothing to say. But since i don’t talk about him much i’ll take this opportunity to just list things i do love about wash:

really funny guy in both intentional dry sarcasm ways and unintentional ways through being so fucking… how to describe it… sort of a Stoic Military Man who Endures Things and represses Unnecessary feelings and denies himself pleasures when he does not need to do that. He does such weird things and he’s like so serious about it, sighing deeply and resignedly at Yet Another Time The Universe Is Testing Him, yet at the same time recognizes the absurdity in these situations but just… doesn’t take that recognition to the point of removing himself from the situation or refusing to engage and instead he just Endures but also wisecracks about it.

obviously all the epsilon stuff. Man. situationship of all time

LOVE the marathon-winning grudgeholding in a way that he’s entirely silent about it until suddenly he is very not silent about it. guy who CANNOT just fucking let it go but you’ll never realize that until it’s too late. reactive dog with growl violently trained out of them “bites out of nowhere!!!”

going along w that, yay repressed anger issues!!! sorry that’s flippant but i have so much love and sadness and anger for ~Troubled Kids~ railroaded into violent professions and places based on being branded with labels of violent/oppositional/defiant/angry/dangerous instead of being helped. “hey you’re struggling with something that’s making you so angry you can’t contain violence or feel so unsafe that the only defence you’re left with is aggression or feel that you need to make people fear you to feel a little less unrespected and powerless or so that they get a taste of it for once. instead of addressing that i think we can use it. you know how people believe you’re Bad and that you’ll never change and lots of doors are shut to you? well, this one’s wide open and it’s what you’re meant for, as a person who is good at violence and not trusting people. come here and we’ll train it into you some more.” i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: cop-dog-coded motherfucker

really really good juxtaposition of this with being the goofball rookie. i know some people get frustrated with the inconsistency between pfl-recruit-era wash in book-extras vs in the show but to me it really adds something. a guy can both be goofy and have repressed anger. that guy might play up the goofiness trying very hard not to again be railroaded into Being The Crazy Angry Dangerous Kid. he is friendly and wants friends! that guy might also internally chafe at the kind of friendship that exaggerated “i’m not a threat! i’m not a threat! i swear i’m not a threat i’m just a little goofy guy!!” presentation begets. being treated as the dumb hopeless class clown sidekick is demeaning and makes you resentful no matter how hard you’re trying to make yourself think “hey, they’re my friends, this is good, they like me, they’re joking with me so they don’t hate me, this is so much better than being disliked”. and then you’ve got this internal spiral going of fear of your own capacity for anger and resentment -> overcorrect -> more things to resent

YAYYYYYYY JUSTIFIED VILLAIN ARCS MY BELOVED. love s8 washie so much.

as with carolina, really well-executed redemption arc of growing to accept friendship and rest and forgiveness and hanging onto hope that there is something better (frands and luv for them) you can shoot for than just getting revenge. wash: life is just unending cycles of violence forever change my mind. *blues offer him forgiveness and unconditional acceptance* wash: wait. i didn’t know they could do that. brb recalibrating my entire worldview to account for the power of friendship.

i actually don’t like a lot of fandom “wash and cats” content because it often hits kind of a woobification tone i’m not interested in, BUT i love imagery of alleycats, cats with nine lives, cats that always land on their feet (even when they fall off something in the goofiest, most clumsy way possible. wash paradox of dexterity/somehow surviving against all odds and dumb clumsy accidents/bad luck real). cockroach kitty wash : )

otoh my Hot Wash Take is i think sometimes some fans swing the pendulum too far the opposite way from All-Characteristics-Erased-Except-Trauma-And-Protectiveness-And-Cats Woobie Wash. yeah he’s obviously extremely competent but he’s far from the most skilled character in rvb (not his fault the competition is insane) and he is a bit goofy. let him goof up a little i promise it’s okay he’s gonna land on his feet

[dausy]

I got a job.

Which is kind of nifty I guess. I feel like it removes some of my stress although I knew I wouldn't have an issue finding a job, its just that the unknown makes us feel like we are continuously poor and homeless when that isn't the case.

An old classmate of mine from nursing school had messaged me some odd days ago saying she was leaving her job because her commute was really long and she wanted to know if I wanted it. She said she loved her job otherwise. I was actually going to wait until we moved to start applying for jobs because a lot of places want you to start ASAP and I don't want to apply too early. But she had already recommended me to her manager and he contacted me with a referral link to fill out. Did a virtual interview and he told me he knew he was already going to offer me the job.

HR already sent me an acceptance package and stated they wanted to pay me a relocation fee. Just an FYI this is for an Interventional Radiology nurse position, which I suppose I do have a bit of experience in with my previous position. IR is considered a cush or "soft" nursing job, but this is with a lvl1 trauma center and I'm not that familiar with the type of high acuity cases that they do. The last time I worked in a lvl1 trauma center it was primarily preop/PhaseII and a smidgeon of pacu. I wasn't in the thick of super acute/sick patients. So I don't really know what to expect in IR. It SOUNDS like they just want somebody who is familiar with and knows how to push meds for conscious sedation. They have techs who scrub in with the doctor. That was primarily what I was nervous about was trying to learn how to scrub for so many different types of procedures (cause they said they do about 40 different types) and I was like "oh lord thats a lot to learn and prove myself on, in a short orientation". But they told me that I would just be doing the conscious sedation and thats it. Which takes a lot of stress off. I don't know how to scrub..so..

anyway, coincidentally at the same time I accepted the position, somebody posted on the nursing reddit saying something like "those of you who want to work in IR because its a soft nursing job, WE DONT WANT YOU" I mean, I work hard and I split myself into 1400 pieces to try and help everybody so I'm not coming in to just sit and play on my phone.

The downsides to this job is that there is on-call and then I'd be making less money than what I was getting paid 5 years ago and rent prices have skyrocketted. Which is really sad. It has pretty much doubled. So less pay and more expensive CoL. We are already expecting to have to pay around 2000-2200/mo on rent alone for nothing super special. Not including pet rent and then utilities.

Me and my spouse were jokingly talking about me joining the service for the benefits. While its been brought up to me before in the past, I didn't think I had it in me to join the military. Now I'm actually kind of taking it seriously. I already talked to a recruiter but they aren't making it easy to get in contact with them which makes me think they're going to tell me they werent interested. But hypothetically, if I joined the military nurse corps, I'd go in as an officer, get officer pay, get BAH, get a retirement, continue the lifestyle of which I've become accustomed and if they have my specialty available, I would just continue doing the job I've become accustomed to. It was actually kind of enlightening.

If I have to work my booty off being full time, on call, making less than my mom as a secretary and I have to continue being a nurse....I mean, I dunno..people say that the military can't compete with civilian hospitals, but I kind of beg to differ. To me, it seems like they're offering a lot more.

But if military says "no, we don't need your specialty", I do have a job waiting for me for when we move.

[thekristen999]

Throwback Thursday:

I haven’t been able to partake in any of the WIPs games becasue I’ve been swamped by RL for a while. (I promise to catch up with everyone’s work!)

However, there’s been a new crop of gifs circulating regarding the shooting and I thought I’d re-post my epic coda. (I also have a lot of new followers who might have missed it the first time)

This is a gritty, no-holds-barred look at Eddie’s physical recovery and his and Buck’s shared trauma of the events of that day, including they’re paths toward healing.

Tagging a few people whom I think might enjoy this :)

@shortsighted-owl​, @spotsandsocks​, @elvensorceress​   @ajunerose​ @andavs​

Trying Hard to Remember, Trying Hard To Forget    

Summary:            

Eddie doesn’t remember the shooting and Buck is haunted by it. As they struggle with their feelings for each other, Eddie and Buck grapple with the realities of trauma recovery and the understanding that everyone heals at their own pace. Coda to 4.14.

@ronordmann​ Did a wonderful cover

…

Eddie felt like he was inside nothing. His eyelids were so damn heavy it was impossible to peel them open. So, he drifted.   

“Patient is forty-five hours post op. He was removed from the vent two hours ago and his respiration rate is ten and continues to improve. BP is still hypotensive at 80/50. His last unit of O-Neg was this morning at 0500.”

“Keep him on humidified O2 and let’s get his crit up….”

…

“Mr. Diaz?” A man in a suit and tie stood beside him. “I’m Detective Reynolds and this is Detective Soule. We’d really like to ask you some questions.”

Eddie stared at the man and took a shallow breath on his oxygen. He tried saying something, make any type of sound, but his lips felt like rubber bands and refused to move.

“His eyes are open,” Detective Soule said.

“Yeah? And do you see the size of his pupils?” Detective Reynolds waved his hand in front of Eddie’s face. “Mr. Diaz? Can you understand me?”

Soule shook his head. “I still think this is a dead end. Sergeant Grant already ruled out a military link. Diaz was an Army Medic, not exactly in a position to make many enemies.”

 “Now, I know what you’re thinking: what about when you get out of the Army?” The recruiter leaned back in his chair. “You’ll have more training than your civilian EMT-B counterparts and you’ll know a lot about trauma. You might not be as good at deciphering between EKG rhythms, or whatever,” he said, flapping his hand. “But you’ll just be a few certifications away advanced civilian EMS services.”

 “What about the rest?” Eddie asked, flipping through the brochure.

 “Medics go through the same Basic Combat Training as everyone else. Then they go for military occupational specialty training.” The recruiter clapped Eddie on the back. “Don’t sweat it, Diaz. It’s a 16-week course, and then people will call you Doc.”

“I was…wrong….” Eddie licked his lips, breathing hard and still unable to draw enough air into his lungs.

“Wrong about what? Mr. Diaz?”

Eddie should have asked that recruiter what it was like to treat a twenty-one-year-old with a sucking chest wound in the back of a moving jeep. Or how much adrenaline it took to carry a wounded solider  toward a helicopter while trying to avoid a road-side bomb.

“Mr. Diaz?”

“No one called me Doc….”

“Excuse me,” a woman in scrubs hurried over like a thunder cloud. “This is the ICU, and you need to leave.”

“We need to ask–”

“I will have you both escorted out. Mr. Diaz is in no condition to talk to the police yet.”

 Why did he need to talk to the police?

Eddie felt his pulse jump.

“Mr. Diaz?” The woman stared down at him; her face obscured by a blue mask. “Eddie?”

“Yeah?”

“On a scale of one to ten, what is your pain level?”

Was he in pain? Eddie thought maybe he should be, but he couldn’t remember why.   

“What…” he took another difficult breath,   “…happened to me?”

“You were injured on the job.”

..

Read the Rest on Ao3

[kavalyera]

Ask for asks and ye shall receive asks:

What does Vincent literally DO at work?

Like yes, the Autem Imperator addresses rule breaking members, but what's the process? Is there a surveillance system that watches for rule breaking or does someone call her like they're calling 911 and say, "Oui pretty French boy, someone killed a person on Continental grounds, please snuff him out :3" And then what does Vincent do? I know we see him recruiting people to hunt down and, so is this job mainly a managerial position where she's ordering other people around to kill the rule breakers? Does Vincent ever do the killing personally? Last but not least: is there paperwork involved?

Side note: the wiki calls the Autem Imperator the "sheriff" of the High Table and it makes me want a Vincent wild west AU, do with that what you will.

I don’t think his ass does any sort of the “office” jobs since he’s listed as an agent, and to me agent just sounds like he’s not really necessarily doing any sort of office work

In my head, the office of the Table works like this: One hand you have the “office” which is Administration aka the pink shirt ladies that handle the necessary office stuff such as phone calls for bounties, connecting people and stuff. And on the other hand you have agents dispatched to places where there are things that need to be resolved.

So for the process of an Autem Imperator, I think it’s mainly just smaller things that become a large sort of problem for the High Table if that makes sense at all. Like the entire John Wick situation, for starters, it could have been just avoided or downright ignored by the High Table which is probably something they have done many times before for multiple other problems but they only decided to step in when John was starting to make an impact on the criminal world.

The process is king of like, letting a situation escalate because the Adjudicator could have handled it but an Autem Imperator was assigned.

It reminds me a bit of a Roman dictatorship, where someone is elected in times of crisis to solve an issue within the state. It usually resorts to military force/armed forces brutally solving the problem at hand and the “dictator” would then be removed from their position if the problem has passed.

I think this is what it was, a modernized, High Table version of a Roman dictatorship. And that’s kind of how I view Vincent’s occupation which is a set job in times of need. All the signs point to it; the ruthlessness of the Myrmidons and the chaos Vincent leaves behind him which are all brutal and violent.

And when it comes to paperwork, if there was, you know for sure Vincent wouldn’t even want to do it

( wild west au⁉️👀 )

[askrivetra]

How do you feel about Eren's situation considering his young age? Would you treat him differently if he was older?

"I feel really sad about it to be honest. I realize that we often recruit children into the military and that's dangerous enough. But to have that kind of power that you didn't ask for, that turns you into the thing you hate, and to be under so much pressure, it's so sad. Yet he is handling it so well," Petra sighs as she puts some books away in the library.

"When was the last time someone fucking cleaned in here?" Levi grumbles, removing his dust-covered finger from the bookshelf. He brings out a handkerchief to wipe his hand.

"I guess no one got round to it yet," Petra notes before turning back to the anon. "I think he would be treated differently as an adult. He would maybe receive harsher treatment and people would be less patient with him."

"Lazy shits," Levi swears. He turns around and folds his arms. "Pretty sure that Eren is one of the most unsuitable candidates for this power. He can be rash and let his own agenda distract him. He's a hotheaded pain in the ass." He pauses, however, and a look of regret crosses his face. "But he's still got a lot to learn about the world and he could be taking it all worse, I guess. Still, if he was an adult, it could either be easier to rein him in or even more difficult. Neither option would be easy. I'd likely be hounding his ass a lot more."

"I think I'd probably treat him differently if he was an adult." Petra confesses, putting thd last book away. "I don't know if I'd be as patient though.

"Yeah because you wouldn't be trying to mother him."

"I'm not trying-- I don't mean to but it's hard not to want to look out for him."

"Huh. If you say so."

[thoughtsbeewild]

One can dream if trump wins, govt help senior citizens out more food stamps, social security, some benefits like free phone..as American taxpayer that would be a good contribution for a tax deduction

You ever see a citizen paycheck the fucking govt takes so much money from us peasants including Ssi, Medicare, federal and state.. so with the hardcore govt greedy tax deductions, hope that tax going help senior citizens at least with food stamps, a phone, a temp benefit living assistance home..but I know some of govt tax is going to infrastructure..but in Biden/kamela installed presidency( Biden most votes by recruiting illegal immigrants to USA promising Obama a 3rd term on side( power n control). Greedy ass Obama needs to fucking exit out, you did your time in your 2 term, 1 term with Biden , now step the fuck aside greedy man who doesn’t want lose power,control, money, wealth etc.. .. anyway, USA citizens paycheck’s in 2020-current Sept 2024 we have been tax by govt, paying for bad stuff that’s not helping us peasants here, sad isn’t it. We are USA American peasants.

I know I’m not that age yet..but most govt people are near that age, they old as fuck. I think old ass aging leaders in USA govt, start training next generation of leaders when ashes ashes dust to dust happens leaving this earth. there a lot govt free phones, food stamps that helped senior citizens, the struggling American families who need that additional support since the economy prices are over the roof, dictator leadership managing companies, apartments, home. Orange are you able help sustain some of benefits to the senior citizens, fuck I know when I get to that age retired , govt can be a useful resource. Right now election season, seems Biden administration and federal govt are cutting a lot benefits senior citizens. Another stress factor in survival

a lot from installed Biden administration(installed meaning stole 2020 election by dominion, illegal immigrants, help from international countries etc)a lot frustration we have long wait times to make appointments our doctor, our primary care, longer wait times at hospitals, emergency center takes 2 hours, I mean I tried schedule a doctor appointment and I couldn’t see my fucking doctor for a month and a half, taking elderly to ER is fucking insane wait and wait get doctor, then transferred over to hospital, by that time you fuckers are not saving a life in time or making a difference.

If one hears gun shooting or a car accident it takes the police and ambulance how long, I get angry because it’s stupid why police are being funded so much money if you ain’t even saving a life or you make the necessary efforts to try? I notice some police states their jurisdiction they care about the money instead of people, identity bad apples , remove them. Take the recent shootings , if you were hired wearing the fucking police uniform there better be a police writing you are sacrificing your own fucking human life for safety of the community, just like if you were to sign up for military, army, navy, you are signing up your life death warrant to help protect USA.. if you can’t save a fucking shooting or be there on time, why are they hired for the role to be paid that..makes no fucking sense,,just like Biden ya shouldn’t be president..same rules should apply..

that’s why people don’t have respect.. by time you arrive the person shot is dead, or ambulance transfer didn’t make to hospital in time..

some of police in certain states and their jurisdiction take fucking long to arrive at the scene of a 911 call.

how can trump make America have less wait times, better service which voters fucking crave want for so bad? You know how many more people would vote for shorter wait times, excellent customer service phone, in person, in grocery stores, damn dmv, fast food drive thru, short wait time in a fucking traffic area, or air plane travel layover …that would be a huge sell for liberal voters.

that police endorsement of overfunding. Before supplying money, our previous company with greatest president ever, this dept if they hit a certain dollar amount of revenue, the dept certain individuals would get a bonus(extra funding). So with each police state local , federal from cities, to counties, before overfunding put a metric system in place for each police, like crime is 20 if they get it down to 10 they get an extra fund each month, or if their police call right they suck at arriving at the scene on time that person is deceased or dead already after transport to hospital. So if police and ambulance can decrease amount of deaths or save a life in time extra funding a month, metric and will show improvement under your leadership. Make a change to police training, change in metrics for perhaps increase funding if each state can guarantee low crime and report that shit to federal government , then govt report to president

how can trump help senior citizens with benefits? Phone, social security, temp housing ..if your overfunding police who certain states are doing shitty job decrease crime rate, receiving 911 calls , I mean AAA has better service than police on arrival..

[arjaandsimoni]

First Day in the Field

A Remote Part of France

The far end of the Roche yard was a hub of activity, like it usually was before a hunt. Harlow and his forces were moving about quickly, making sure their information was getting spread to the right people. With them were Nessa’s security team, the Roche security force technically under her mother’s command proper still but as Nessa grew Ana took more and more of an ‘advisory’ role to let her daughter grow.

“Alright boys and girls look alive!” Harlow called as he walked along the crowd. “This is a big day! Young master Francis will be going on the field for the first time, as will our dear Patli, and that means what?” He asked, grinning his wicked grin as his team called back in unison.

“No fuckups allowed!”

“Damn right!” He chuckled, nodding approvingly. “We also have some freshies with our teams today, hell of a first day newbies. Try not to scare em off, we don’t make our money back on their training until after a couple weeks.”

Indeed, there were new faces in both teams. Despite their intense work the Roche kept their recon and security teams fairly small, quality over quantity and all that. Exclusively recruited from fields with the relevant skills already, picking candidates already somehow aware of ‘the other world’ to avoid wasting time teaching the basics.

Harlow and Nessa both surveyed their groups, each exchanging a bit of a smirk with the other as they easily spotted the new ones. Even those well used to the supernatural could feel overwhelmed on their first Roche mission, especially one as high priority as this.

“Hey, newbie.” Harlow grinned, grabbing the arm of a passing young woman, long black hair tied into a tight bun behind her head, bright green eyes going wide as she was grabbed, body stiffening like a board. “Report in, name and position.”

“Tatyana Ivanov, just joined the recon team, Sir!” She nearly shouted in Harlow’s face, making the man laugh softly.

“Soldier?” He asked with a smirk.

“Yes sir!”

“Great, first thing, don’t ever ‘Sir’ me. I work for a living, save the Sir and Ma’am crap for dealing with the family proper. Good response though. How long have you been doing this kind of work?” He asked, clearly not meaning soldiering.

The woman coughed softly, still not used to talking about these things openly it seemed. “I was raised by my grandmother, Si-... Harlow,” She corrected herself quickly. “She… knew a lot about the old ways, so I always was raised to respect them. Like I said, though, I was in the military… We were doing a scouting mission in the forest and these…” She shuddered, shaking her head to clear it. “We were attacked by creatures not of this world… I was the only one to make it out. When I reported what happened to the command I was told I had a new assignment and… here I am.”

“Must have served under commander Popov, he’s an old family friend. Tends to send us the ones he thinks has potential who get... exposed.”

Tatyana actually straightened up a bit, seemingly bolstered to hear she had ‘potential’.

“Well, welcome to recon.” Harlow continued. “You’re going to see a lot more ‘creatures not of this world.' Keep your head on your shoulders and do as you’re told and you’ll do well. Remember, despite everything weird these are still just recon missions at the end of the day, you were trained for this.”

She nodded, seeming to genuinely take his words to heart before pausing. “Sir… Harlow… a question?”

“Fire away.”

“You said save the sir and ma’am for the family… are you not a Roche? I was told you’re one.”

Harlow smirked softly at that, chuckling and nodding. “Lesson two, careful with curiosity. It’s a good trait for recon, obviously, but ask too many questions you don’t need and you might just get the answer, sure you wanna know?”

Tatyana gulped softly, but nodded.

“Good girl...” he grinned, reaching up to remove his sunglasses to reveal… nothingness, simply two small pools of inky black. A void where his eyes should be. “I’m a Roche, by name, not blood. I’m a changeling that the family adopted.”

“Oh!” The woman said a bit too loudly, blushing faintly. “I was not aware they… I mean I know they had a more liberal relation with the supernatural than most hunters but… I wasn’t aware they adopted them.”

“I’m a bit of a special case. I was taken by the gentry when I was a baby. Raised in Arcadia. I never knew my family, I think I might have been Polish before I was taken but…” He shrugged, putting his sunglasses back on. “I ripped myself out of the hedge still as a child and found myself ‘free’ running right into a Cheron Group outpost.”

“Oh…” she responded in a softer tone that time, clearly aware of them at least.

“Yea… Ryan and Ilsa found me a fucked up kid who’d been bounced from being a fae’s plaything to a lab rat and rather than just cutting me lose with a ‘good luck kid’ like most hunters, they took me home with them. From that day I made a vow… capital ‘V’ Vow, ya know? I promised I’d always protect the Roche family as if they were my own blood, and they made their own to raise me and treat me as if I was no different than any other Roche child.” He smiled softly at that, the normally cocky or teasing young man looking slightly melancholy as he remembered.

“So! That’s why I’m here, making sure you fresh meat don’t fuck up my vow by letting our dear Roche heirs get ganked on the field!” he said, clearly trying to move on from the emotional subject.

“Of course, mister Harlow!” Tatyana smiled, giving him a salute before moving to join the others. She paused, though, looking back. “In Russia we believe the fae aren’t all good or evil, they’re like humans. Some can be cruel and untrustworthy, yes, but others can be noble heroes… It’s nice to see that story is one of the true ones.”

Harlow smiled as he watched the woman go join the rest of the recon team, a rare moment of letting his guard down when he didn’t notice Nessa coming up behind him and slapping his back playfully.

“Nice group of newbies on my end, seems like they’ve got their shit together. You?”

“Yea...” Harlow chuckled, composing himself quickly. “Think mine are gonna make it too.”

The hunt had been carefully selected, a joint effort by the recon and security teams to get the most controlled environment possible.

“Uh, boss, with all due respect… isn’t this kinda… cheating?” One of Nessa’s new recruits asked, a young man with bright red hair combed and gelled neatly, bearing a tattoo on his neck of the RAF. “I mean… not to talk outta ranks and all but this is supposed to be a hunt, right? We’re securing a whole area, making sure there’s just one thing there, practically serving it up on a platter for em…”

“No no, it’s good to ask.” Nessa answered as she motioned for more of her forces to get in position. The field they chose was a nice open one, former farmland now public land. It wasn’t very commonly used, it took a good few weeks for reports of what sounded like a fairly mundane ghost to even filter through to the Roches. It was perfect for a first training hunt.

“This is a learning hunt, not a real one.” she continued. “This is about giving the kids field experience in a safe, controlled, way while still empowering them and making them FEEL like they did something major. As far as the kids are concerned, we do not exist. You and the recon team will remain hidden, only coming out if a threat is present… and even then I expect you try to remove it quietly first. Call it cheap or cheating or whatever... but this lets a pair of, may I remind you, literal children get their feet wet in hunting without running the risk of being ripped in half by a werebear. I’d consider that a good goal, yes?”

The man nodded softly. “Right, apologies ma’am didn’t mean to question things.”

“No, questioning is good, and now that you have your answer I hope that means you’ll be joining the rest of your team covering the south gate to be sure no mortals or unknown factors barge in.” Nessa smirked, patting the man’s chest playfully. “Dismissed, soldier boy, back to work.” He chuckled at that, nodding quickly before jogging to meet with the others, he and his team in civilian clothes, looking like hunters of the mundane sort who had made a small camp near the field to hunt in. It was a fairly common sight in the country, most wouldn’t think anything of it or want to bother them, good cover for them as their trained eyes kept watch for any real threats.

Harlow’s team was more covert in their positions. Having done the heavy lifting of study and scouting only a few remained on the field proper to keep watch, protected by ghillie suits and enchanted tools to make them blend into the field nicely.

Tatyana had chosen a more mundane method. A tree blind, covered carefully to hide the already rather petite woman as she crouched on the blind’s seat for stability. Only a detailed look would reveal the faint gleam of a rifle’s barrel sticking through the strands of the blind.

“Watch out! It’s coming right for them!” A voice called right in her ear, making the woman nearly leap out of her position but thankfully kept from pulling the trigger in her panic at least!

“Nice trigger discipline,” the voice continued in a much calmer tone…Harlow smirking at her playfully as he seemed to be balancing perfectly on a thin branch next to her seat…

“Mister Harlow! That is… you can’t sneak up on someone holding a sniper rifle!” She panted, recovering from her scare.

“No it’s actually very easy to, as I just showed. Tunnel vision, dear. Your entire world was through that scope, which meant you were one giant blindspot everywhere else.” He grinned, grabbing an apple from the nearby branch and biting into it. “Good job not winging Nessa or something though, woulda been awkward to tell Alice.”

“What if I did?!” She asked wide eyed, having not even thought that in that fear a stray bullet could have hit an actual ‘VIP’...

“I mean… then Alice would probably kill you...” Harlow answered casually as he took another bite. “Like I said, good job not.”

“With due respect, Sir...” she said, pointedly using that word this time… "Did you come here just to see if I’d shoot your sister’s girlfriend?”

“No… not JUST, no.” Harlow smirked, hopping down to sit on the branch as he did. “Also came to quiz you. Situation report, go!”

Tatyana rolled her eyes, quickly becoming used to her boss at least… "We’re awaiting the arrival of Lady Roche, young master Roche, and…uh… Patli? I don’t know her title…”

“We call her ‘little shit’ mainly, you’re fine. Continue.”

“Right, their ETA is about ten minutes from now provided good conditions. When they arrive Commander Nessa will meet them, explain the hunt, and she and Alice will supervise the young master and… little shit…”

“Good, good...” Harlow nodded, tossing his apple core over his shoulder, though it turned to dust before hitting the ground. "... and what is the hunt?”

“Locals reported a ghostly figure, not disturbing anything or attacking mortals but scaring local livestock and being… creepy I guess. The description matches a local legend of ‘The Smiling Knight’, a soldier from the Frank and English wars who was known for… obviously… wearing no helmet and always smiling even in the thick of combat. A harmless local legend, no reported dangers or casualties… unless you count English soldiers hundreds of years ago I guess.”

“We do not, serves those tits right.” Harlow teased, nodding. “Good, you’d be shocked how far just reading the briefings will get you. So, let’s try a little past the briefings. Got a ghost, not harmful but probably not great to have just messing around anyway, how would you solve it?”

“Solve it?” She asked, confused by the metaphor.

“Solve it.” Harlow repeated. “Hunts are puzzles. They have solutions, sometimes multiple ones. It’s not always just ‘kill the monster’. How would you solve this one?”

Tatyana thought about that seriously for a moment. “Well, he’s not harming anyone, but like you said it’s likely not GOOD for him to be around… In Russia many believe ghosts that linger too long can be driven mad and if he’s that old he may be at risk of that… Many ghosts have unfinished business, I would see about resolving that, if I can do so peacefully I would hope that would allow him to rest.”

Harlow nodded slowly as she spoke. “Not bad... So a peaceful rest for him, huh? Why? Why does this one deserve that, what’s he done or not done to earn that effort when it’d be easier to just banish him?”

“He was a soldier.” Tatyana answered softly, looking at her own rifle. “He was fighting for his people. Right or wrong, he died among comrades believing he was protecting his home. I don’t know anything about this war, frankly. Maybe he was the aggressor, maybe he doesn’t deserve it, but in his last moments he was far from home facing a foe he likely believed wanted to destroy his homeland and loved ones. He deserves at least a chance to rest peacefully after all that.”

“Deserves a chance, huh?” Harlow smirked, patting the woman’s shoulder. “You’re gonna fit in well here. Ease up a bit, being tense reduces focus.”

The helicopter arrived on schedule perfectly, the two children nearly leaping out before it was even fully grounded. “Easy! This isn’t a school field trip, this is work.” Alice called after them with a smirk as she climbed out, Nessa quickly striding up to meet them. The young hunters were dressed for comfort, Francis in a pair of baggy shorts and a loose shirt, his cane clacking on the ground as he got the lay of the land. Patli was dressed similarly, whistling loudly before taking a deep breath, smelling the air around her. “Ahhh it smells so nice out here!” The girl chirped happily.

“Alright kids, front and center!” Alice called, her and Nessa taking a decidedly more authoritative tone than their usual ones as they watched over the pair. “You are here to study the art of hunting, not sniff the air and pick flowers.” she said, throwing a glance with a smirk to Francis as she heard the boy crouching down to smell a patch of wildflowers. “Nessa?”

“Our job today is a simple spectral sighting...” Nessa picked up the speech, chuckling at her own alliteration. “Locals have seen a ghostly figure matching a legend of ‘The Smiling Knight’, an old figure of local history that seems to be harmless so far.” “Remember.” Alice continued. “We are Roches, not some common glorified mercenary hunter clan.” she grinned, sharing a playful look with Nessa as they both thought of a few examples of those… "Our job and sacred duty to France is to bring ORDER to both worlds, not to DOMINATE.”

“Correct you Roches, save that for the bedroom!” Nessa added ‘helpfully’, making Alice blush slightly and the younger hunters laugh.

“Anyways...” Alice continued, slapping Nessa’s side with her cane lightly. “As I said, we bring order, not dominance. We are hunters, not inherently killers, even of the already dead. Remember that being on the field at this young an age is a privilege, not a right, and one that WILL be revoked if you prove to have not absorbed your lessons deeper than ‘fight monsters and look good.' Are we clear children? We may be your nice big sisters in the house but on the field we are your superior hunters and you will listen to and follow my and Nessa’s commands to the letter or…”

“Archives until pension...” the pair answered in unison.

“Good kids.” Alice grinned.

Soon enough the pair were briefed and sent on their way, the unseen eyes of their family tracking every step as Alice and Nessa remained by the helicopter to allow the kids freedom and to watch their backs. This was meant to be a nice, simple, way for them to learn, but as any veteran hunter knows well even the most simple job can become a trial by fire with only a few strokes of luck.

Next Story

Previous Story

[nifolution]

Letters 3

Warnings: Heartbreak, Angst, Manipulation, lies, threats, arguments, mentions of conception, allusion of smut

A/N: This is a revised copy of my oc fic. It is still written in 3rd person. Steve was rescued from the Valkyrie crash. He became a world hero and came back home with Peggy to start his life. No stealing, no reposts, no translations, no feeding to AIs. Comments, reblogs and likes are always welcome and appreciated.

Chapter 2 Series Masterlist     Main Masterlist

Chapter 3

Steve didn’t dare return to Y/N’s apartment, but he continued seeing her at the Sunrise. Her anger didn’t last, although he had to suffer through cold eggs a few times. Regardless of his food’s temperature, he left large tips. If she wouldn’t take it, he’d slip the money into her apron when she wasn’t looking. Sometimes she would try to sneakily return the cash, which only resulted in him leaving her an even bigger amount. 

Learning she was working late again, Steve decided to show up as the cafe was closing so he could make sure she got home okay. He watched her and another waitress tidy up the dining area. When the other woman left, Y/N stayed behind. Curious, he slipped in, careful not to ruin the wet floor. Steve walked into the back, and spotted her at the sink, washing dishes. 

Y/N looked over her shoulder when she heard footsteps, rolling her eyes when she saw him. “You're not supposed to be back here.” 

He offered a half smile at her attitude, “Where's the dishwasher?” 

“Jerry went home early for his wife’s birthday. I'm filling in.”

Thinking better of it, he withheld a lecture about working late by herself and not locking the front door. Instead, he removed his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and began to help wash the large pile of dishes. She didn’t argue, meaning she was dog-tired. Steve was glad he could be here for her, keep her safe and get her home quicker. He smirked as she scratched her nose, leaving a streak of tiny bubbles on her face. Some things never change.

Y/N froze as Steve reached over to wipe the foamy trail off her, his feather light touch causing goosebumps down her body, like so many times in the past. She closed her eyes and pinched her lips together, pushing the feeling away. Blinking, she passed him the next glass, “If only the newspapers could see their Captain America now, washing dishes like us common folk."

“I used to help you all the time.”

“Yeah, but that was the old Steve. The new you probably gets waited on hand and foot.”

“Eh, not exactly,” Steve disagreed. “Peggy has an important job that keeps her away from home a lot. So most of the cooking and cleaning is left to me.” There was too much truth there, so many hours he spent alone trying to find something to do with himself. He did his best to keep the house in tip top shape, ready for company at a moment's notice, the way Peggy liked it. “Don't let that bit of classified information get around. I have an image to uphold,” he half joked. Steve watched Y/N from the corner of his eye, gauging her reaction. Her eyebrows furrowed, he couldn’t tell what was going on inside her head. 

“You never used to care what others thought, only what was right.” She turned to him, concerned. Had he really changed that much. 

He shrugged, “Things are different; I have duties, people need me. The pressure to be Captain America is there the moment I step out my front door. There's interviews, military events, upcoming recruiting tours,” his jaw hardened. “It's not enough that a war just ended, they want to prepare for the next one… autograph signings… laundromat openings.” Steve unsuccessfully tried to laugh it off. “Hell you witnessed it, I can’t even order coffee without someone shaking my hand or wanting me to sign something.”

Y/N didn't see the humor in it. “When do you get to just be Steve?”

How was he supposed to answer that? “That’s a good question.” Steve tried to find the right response. He exhaled, sounding defeated and bitter, “Not often enough… Who’s Steve anyway? There's only room for Captain America, I have to play the part.” His fists clenched under the soapy water. “After everything I'm back to being a dancing monkey. Only in a better uniform.”

A mischievous smile grew on her face, “I kinda liked the tights.” She laughed when he countered by flicking water at her. The rest of the job was completed in comfortable silence. 

The air outside was considerably colder when they left the cafe. Due to the late hour, Steve offered her a ride. It wasn’t safe for her to travel alone. Y/N refused, it was only a few blocks and not the first time she had to walk at this time of night. It quickly became apparent that he was not taking no for an answer, so she compromised, he would walk her home. 

He saw Y/N shove her shivering hands deep in her pockets, trying to keep the chill off them. She had forgotten her gloves. Steve took her hands, but she pulled away. “You don’t have to be so difficult all the time.” He once more covered her cold hands with his, brought them up to his lips and blew to warm them.

Y/N had thought there was no love left in her. Not for him nor anyone else. And yet the more he came around, the more she doubted. Feeling his familiar hot breath ghosting over her skin, she met his eyes and choked back a sob. She was fooling herself, she still loved him terribly.  

As he escorted her, a group of men passed by. Steve put his arm around her protectively. He'd always been the strongest man she ever knew. His new muscles did not make a lick of difference in his behavior. Y/N allowed it for only a minute before shaking him off. It hurt too much to have him hold her so close. 

Steve sighed at the rejection. “Do you remember when we met?” He smiled when she nodded. “I was about twelve years old and saw you being hassled by some boys. Honestly you were holding your own before I showed up, but I had to help. Couldn't walk away. They beat me up and stole my shoes before backing off.” He never regretted intervening, it was the right thing to do. 

“And then you, ever the gentleman, walked me home. I felt so bad you were roughed up. I couldn't afford to buy you new shoes, so I made you new socks, seeing as how yours were ruined from taking me home. I should have made you two.” 

“Hey, those socks kept me warm for a long time.” They became his favorite piece of clothing. He was completely taken with the girl with messy hair and fire in her eyes. The one who looked at him differently. His mom encouraged him for years to ask her out, but he kept finding excuses not to. He wished she was around to see him get the girl he pined after for so long. He wished she was there to help him through his first real heartbreak at Y/N’s hands. 

She moved in closer, soaking up the heat emanating from him. “You were my hero, you deserved more.”

“I was no hero back then. Just a dumb kid, stunted and pathetic. No one saw me.” 

“I did… So did Bucky and your mom.” It baffled her that he thought that way. Did he not feel loved by them? He was such a wonderful person, he had to know how cherished he was. 

Steve scoffed, “Well they’re gone now. And you and I…” He looked away, “Well that didn't work out, did it.” Shit, he was getting hot under the collar. Breathing deeply he continued forward, trying to calm down.

No other words were spoken until they reached her apartment building. A question Y/N had wanted to ask him since his reappearance, “What happened over there, with Bucky? His sister refused to believe he was really gone because there wasn’t a body. His family buried an empty coffin.” She stopped before ‘and you weren't there’ left her mouth.

His face hardened, "He fell…” Steve’s voice became monotone, “I was ordered not to attempt recovery. It would have been a waste of manpower for a single soldier." Peggy convinced him it was a pointless waste of time and resources. That crying over the loss was an insult to his friend's memory. He doesn’t say that watching Bucky fall away from him, terrified and screaming, was the worst moment of his life. He won’t tell her how much he wished it was him instead.

Y/N couldn’t believe her ears. “That's not like you at all. It's not just a soldier, it's Bucky. He deserved to come home, have a proper burial. At least to give his family some closure. How could they just decide he wasnt worth finding?” 

Steve stepped away from her, squaring his shoulders. She meant how could he decide that. “You wouldn't understand, you weren't there. It's my fault he's dead, is that what you want to hear? I put him there, I put him in danger and I couldn't protect him.” His anger morphed into sorrow as he spoke. His voice sounded tiny and broken, “I couldn't reach him. I couldn’t… All this strength and I couldn't hold onto him. You don't think I wanted to go back…. I didn’t want to leave him there.” 

Her eyes were glassy as she reached out for him, trying to provide comfort. “Steve, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I wasn't accusing you of anything, I swear. I know how much Bucky meant to you. I know you would have brought him home if you could. I’m sorry, I'm so sorry.” She rubbed his arm, waiting for a sign it was alright to hug him. Y/N regretted bringing it up, she had no idea that’s what happened and seeing Steve this distressed was like a stab to her own heart. “If you want to come upstairs and talk, I promise I'll listen? 

He sniffed and took another step away. “Don't make me any promises. We both know you wont keep them.”

Y/N’s empathy vanished in a flash. “I wont keep them? You’re one to talk. What about your promises to me? Our life after the war. You lied, you didn’t come back to me, you came back with her.” She sneered at him, shaking her head in disgust. “What a dream you're living now. Married to the love of your life, America's couple, your faces gracing every newspaper. The absolute best woman by your side so you don't have to be embarrassed by me. As you said, Captain America deserves the best and that's never going to be me.”

“Don't put words in my mouth.”

“I'm not, that was exactly what you wrote in your letter. Go back to your perfect wife and your perfect home and your perfect stinkin’ life and leave me alone! Stop torturing me by acting like you still care. I can't be around you without feeling like my heart is being crushed inside my chest. I don't need to be rescued. I don't need Captain America. JUST LEAVE!”

Steve had his own venom to spit, “If this is how you acted with Frederick, I can understand why he broke it off with you.”

She threw her hands up, “What are you even saying? I don't know anyone by that name. There's never been anyone but you. You must be thinking of one of your other girlfriends. Who knows how many you had while away.”

“Please, you know I'm not like that. There was only you until Peggy.”

Y/N nodded, eyebrows raised, “Yeah… Peggy. Always Peggy. Goodnight, Captain.” She turned and entered the building, not sparing him a second glance.

Steve could tell something was wrong. Their stories were not matching. He wanted to follow her and sort it out, but decided against it. Too hurt and angry to have the conversation they desperately needed. They couldn’t hear each other through their grief. Both mourning the loss of Bucky and the loss of each other. Of the could have beens and the should have beens. Of the life they were meant to have together. The life he now shared with someone else.

Chapter 4

A/N: Originally there were 2 letters in every chapter of this fic. However, I decided to ditch the romantic letters in the middle and keep only the letters in the first and last chapters. I think their once sweet and caring relationship is easy enough to imagine without having to read their love letters.

[headspace-hotel]

of course, my frustration with how The Left handles people trying to become informed about their ideas is partly motivated by fear. I swear being online is like I’ve been sent back in time to stop a disaster that’s already happened.

On some level y’all get that the far right extremists are good at recruiting and radicalizing, but generally speaking The Left curses at and attacks people who are trying to ask questions, constantly reiterates that its people’s own responsibility to be informed, repeats the exact kinds of propaganda right wing media spews out because they think the concept of Christians being oppressed or whatever is funny, encases all their discussions in jargon that is impossible to understand without context, refuses to define the jargon even as right-wing media “educates” them about its Real Meaning, and spreads the idea that having a discussion with anyone right of center morally taints you. A part of me is screaming internally every second I’m online because of this. If you think of this as a cultural and ideological battle of sorts, the Right is actively recruiting soldiers while the Left is busy chasing anyone who doesn’t already have military training, a uniform, and weapons away from their recruitment office (which is boarded up with signs saying that anyone who asks where they can join will be forcibly removed from the premises) with baseball bats.

Like we can debate “performing emotional labor” until the sun burns out and probably some good points will be made but at some point it’s gonna be either emotional labor or living under a fascist dictatorship because all the people it wasn’t our job to educate went out and finally educated themselves, just like we wanted them to, using their free Google...

...which showed them how to find nazis that would happily answer all of their questions, without cursing or implying that they should already know everything, and lots of free, non-paywalled, easy to read and jargonless articles about how it’s a minority’s fault that things suck.

If we’re fighting back we’ve got to fight to win. That’s it.

[niffala]

Letters (Pt. 3)

Warnings: heartbreak, angst, arguments

A/N: Reader insert version found here. No stealing, no reposts, no translations, no feeding to AIs. Comments, reblogs and likes are always welcome and appreciated. 

Chapter 2 Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 3

Steve didn’t dare return to Anne’s apartment, but he continued seeing her at the Sunrise. Her anger didn’t last, although he had to suffer through cold eggs a few times. Regardless of his food’s temperature, he left large tips. If she wouldn’t take it, he’d slip the money into her apron when she wasn’t looking. Sometimes she would try to sneakily return the cash, which only resulted in him leaving her an even bigger amount. 

Learning she was working late again, Steve decided to show up as the cafe was closing so he could make sure she got home okay. He watched her and another waitress tidy up the dining area. When the other woman left, Anne stayed behind. Curious, he slipped in, careful not to ruin the wet floor. Steve walked into the back, and spotted her at the sink, washing dishes. 

Anne looked over her shoulder when she heard footsteps, rolling her eyes when she saw him. “You're not supposed to be back here.” 

He offered a half smile at her attitude, “Where's the dishwasher?” 

“Jerry went home early for his wife’s birthday. I'm filling in.”

Thinking better of it, he withheld a lecture about working late by herself and not locking the front door. Instead, he removed his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and began to help wash the large pile of dishes. She didn’t argue, meaning she was dog-tired. Steve was glad he could be here for her, keep her safe and get her home quicker. He smirked each time she blew stray hair out of her face. Some things never change.

Anne froze as Steve reached over to tuck the offending strand behind her ear, his feather light touch causing goosebumps down her body, like so many times in the past. She closed her eyes and pinched her lips together, pushing the feeling away. Blinking, she passed him the next glass, “If only the newspapers could see their Captain America now, washing dishes like us common folk."

“I used to help you all the time.”

“Yeah, but that was the old Steve. The new you probably gets waited on hand and foot.”

“Eh, not exactly,” Steve disagreed. “Peggy has an important job that keeps her away from home a lot. So most of the cooking and cleaning is left to me.” There was too much truth there, so many hours he spent alone trying to find something to do with himself. He did his best to keep the house in tip top shape, ready for company at a moment's notice, the way Peggy liked it. “Don't let that bit of classified information get around. I have an image to uphold,” he half joked. Steve watched Anne from the corner of his eye, gauging her reaction. Her eyebrows furrowed, he couldn’t tell what was going on inside her head. 

“You never used to care what others thought, only what was right.” She turned to him, concerned. Had he really changed that much. 

He shrugged, “Things are different; I have duties, people need me. The pressure to be Captain America is there the moment I step out my front door. There's interviews, military events, upcoming recruiting tours,” his jaw hardened. “It's not enough that a war just ended, they want to prepare for the next one… autograph signings… laundromat openings.” Steve unsuccessfully tried to laugh it off. “Hell you witnessed it, I can’t even order coffee without someone shaking my hand or wanting me to sign something.”

Anne didn't see the humor in it. “When do you get to just be Steve?”

How was he supposed to answer that? “That’s a good question.” Steve tried to find the right response. He exhaled, sounding defeated and bitter, “Not often enough… Who’s Steve anyway? There's only room for Captain America, I have to play the part.” His fists clenched under the soapy water. “After everything I'm back to being a dancing monkey. Only in a better uniform.”

A mischievous smile grew on her face, “I kinda liked the tights.” She laughed when he countered by flicking water at her. The rest of the job was completed in comfortable silence. 

The air outside was considerably colder when they left the cafe. Due to the late hour, Steve offered her a ride. It wasn’t safe for her to travel alone. Anne refused, it was only a few blocks and not the first time she had to walk at this time of night. It quickly became apparent that he was not taking no for an answer, so she compromised, he would walk her home. 

He saw Anne shove her shivering hands deep in her pockets, trying to keep the chill off them. She had forgotten her gloves. Steve took her hands, but she pulled away. “You don’t have to be so difficult all the time.” He once more covered her cold hands with his, brought them up to his lips and blew to warm them.

Anne had thought there was no love left in her. Not for him nor anyone else. And yet the more he came around, the more she doubted. Feeling his familiar hot breath ghosting over her skin, she met his eyes and choked back a sob. She was fooling herself, she still loved him terribly.  

As he escorted her, a group of men passed by. Steve put his arm around her protectively. He'd always been the strongest man she ever knew. His new muscles did not make a lick of difference in his behavior. Anne allowed it for only a minute before shaking him off. It hurt too much to have him hold her so close. 

Steve sighed at the rejection. “Do you remember when we met?” He smiled when she nodded. “I was about twelve years old and saw you being hassled by some boys. Honestly you were holding your own before I showed up, but I had to help. Couldn't walk away. They beat me up and stole my shoes before backing off.” He never regretted intervening, it was the right thing to do. 

“And then you, ever the gentleman, walked me home. I felt so bad you were roughed up. I couldn't afford to buy you new shoes, so I made you new socks, seeing as how yours were ruined from taking me home. I should have made you two.” 

“Hey, those socks kept me warm for a long time.” They became his favorite piece of clothing. He was completely taken with the girl with messy hair and fire in her eyes. The one who looked at him differently. His mom encouraged him for years to ask her out, but he kept finding excuses not to. He wished she was around to see him get the girl he pined after for so long. He wished she was there to help him through his first real heartbreak at Anne’s hands. 

She moved in closer, soaking up the heat emanating from him. “You were my hero, you deserved more.”

“I was no hero back then. Just a dumb kid, stunted and pathetic. No one saw me.” 

“I did… So did Bucky and your mom.” It baffled her that he thought that way. Did he not feel loved by them? He was such a wonderful person, he had to know how cherished he was. 

Steve scoffed, “Well they’re gone now. And you and I…” He looked away, “Well that didn't work out, did it.” Shit, he was getting hot under the collar. Breathing deeply he continued forward, trying to calm down.

No other words were spoken until they reached her apartment building. A question Anne had wanted to ask him since his reappearance, “What happened over there, with Bucky? His sister refused to believe he was really gone because there wasn’t a body. His family buried an empty coffin.” She stopped before ‘and you weren't there’ left her mouth.

His face hardened, "He fell…” Steve’s voice became monotone, “I was ordered not to attempt recovery. It would have been a waste of manpower for a single soldier." Peggy convinced him it was a pointless waste of time and resources. That crying over the loss was an insult to his friend's memory. He doesn’t say that watching Bucky fall away from him, terrified and screaming, was the worst moment of his life. He won’t tell her how much he wished it was him instead.

Anne couldn’t believe her ears. “That's not like you at all. It's not just a soldier, it's Bucky. He deserved to come home, have a proper burial. At least to give his family some closure. How could they just decide he wasnt worth finding?” 

Steve stepped away from her, squaring his shoulders. She meant how could he decide that. “You wouldn't understand, you weren't there. It's my fault he's dead, is that what you want to hear? I put him there, I put him in danger and I couldn't protect him.” His anger morphed into sorrow as he spoke. His voice sounded tiny and broken, “I couldn't reach him. I couldn’t… All this strength and I couldn't hold onto him. You don't think I wanted to go back…. I didn’t want to leave him there.” 

Her eyes were glassy as she reached out for him, trying to provide comfort. “Steve, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I wasn't accusing you of anything, I swear. I know how much Bucky meant to you. I know you would have brought him home if you could. I’m sorry, I'm so sorry.” She rubbed his arm, waiting for a sign it was alright to hug him. Anne regretted bringing it up, she had no idea that’s what happened and seeing Steve this distressed was like a stab to her own heart. “If you want to come upstairs and talk, I promise I'll listen? 

He sniffed and took another step away. “Don't make me any promises. We both know you wont keep them.”

Anne’s empathy vanished in a flash. “I wont keep them? You’re one to talk. What about your promises to me? Our life after the war. You lied, you didn’t come back to me, you came back with her.” She sneered at him, shaking her head in disgust. “What a dream you're living now. Married to the love of your life, America's couple, your faces gracing every newspaper. The absolute best woman by your side so you don't have to be embarrassed by me. As you said, Captain America deserves the best and that's never going to be me.”

“Don't put words in my mouth.”

“I'm not, that was exactly what you wrote in your letter. Go back to your perfect wife and your perfect home and your perfect stinkin’ life and leave me alone! Stop torturing me by acting like you still care. I can't be around you without feeling like my heart is being crushed inside my chest. I don't need to be rescued. I don't need Captain America. JUST LEAVE!”

Steve had his own venom to spit, “If this is how you acted with Frederick, I can understand why he broke it off with you.”

She threw her hands up, “What are you even saying? I don't know anyone by that name. There's never been anyone but you. You must be thinking of one of your other girlfriends. Who knows how many you had while away.”

“Please, you know I'm not like that. There was only you until Peggy.”

Anne nodded, eyebrows raised, “Yeah… Peggy. Always Peggy. Goodnight, Captain.” She turned and entered the building, not sparing him a second glance.

Steve could tell something was wrong. Their stories were not matching. He wanted to follow her and sort it out, but decided against it. Too hurt and angry to have the conversation they desperately needed. They couldn’t hear each other through their grief. Both mourning the loss of Bucky and the loss of each other. Of the could have beens and the should have beens. Of the life they were meant to have together. The life he now shared with someone else.

Chapter 4

A/N: Originally there were 2 letters in every chapter of this fic. However, I decided to ditch the romantic letters in the middle and keep only the letters in the first and last chapters. I think their once sweet and caring relationship is easy enough to imagine without having to read their love letters.

[bbygrgu]

clocks on the wall

a/n: first Levi fic. blame/thank @vennilavee​. don’t come for my neck. enjoy. 

warnings: swearing, violence, softness, slight ooc Levi at the end, no spoilers for season four (everything written takes place from the ova - season three). 

word count: 7.1k

You had never been Underground before.

It was beautiful, in its own way. The city had its own glow to it, made up from yellows, blues, and greens. It was known that without lights, the city and its people would be covered in darkness. Something about the greens and blues hinted at that being a lie. That it wouldn’t have been completely dark below the surface.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Erwin turned his head at the sound of cables slicing through the air, gas hissing, and the sound of an excited voice cheering, the echoes bouncing off the dirt and sentiment walls.

Erwin looked back at the three of you and the Military Police, the look on his face reading “that’s them.” It was after that moment, you began to understand the kind of reform Erwin was looking for and why Erwin had chosen these random Underground criminals as the example.

Well, maybe it wasn’t so random, knowing Erwin.

You carefully set aside the ODM gear retrieved from their beings, stepping to stand behind Erwin, yet in front of the three criminals. The light haired one locked his eyes on Erwin, though his face was thoughtful. The young woman’s eyes were wide with curiosity, but locked onto Erwin as well; only occasionally did she spare a glance at you.

The third one, who you assumed was the leader from his quietness, refused to move his gaze from the ground. Until Erwin stepped up to him, waiting for a response; was he trained in the military?

He gave Erwin a cold look, keeping to himself.

When his head was slammed into the dirty water, you watched the way the others reacted. They seemed… worried. But not in the sense that they were worried about the physical harm on him, but his head was pressed into a puddle of dirty water, jumping to answer Erwin’s questions.

You watched the way Erwin got close to the quiet man, so close that Erwin kneeled in the same puddle of dirty water that the man had his face in just moments ago. You paid attention to the surprise evident in the man’s face when Erwin offered for them to join the Survey Corps. The deathly cold, yet fiery look in his eyes when he finally looked up at Erwin.

“I’ll join the Survey Corps.”

It was the way he held himself up, dirty water dripping from the ends of his hair and raced off his chin, onto his white shirt; hair clinging to his skin, thin brows furrowed as he never broke eye contact with Erwin. It excited you.

“Introduce yourselves!”

Curiosity evident in your eyes, you watched as Levi’s gaze moved from your left to your right; from Erwin to Flagon. His gaze moved to the top of your head as he subtly shrugged, finally speaking up in a cool, nonchalant voice.

“The name’s Levi.”

Gasps. Murmurs followed. They’d never seen someone so confident, so sure of himself, so… not caring about what others said or thought of him. You couldn’t help the little twinge of the corner of your mouth.

Levi’s face remained stoic as the Commander chastised him for not having discipline, before Isabel Magnolia and Farlan Church introduced themselves. Stoic while it was Flagon’s squad that they would belong to. Stoic, with the exception of his piercing eyes focused on Flagon, disinterested yet scheming eyes, when Flagon glared at Levi; he was pissed off that he had to do the work that should’ve gone to pretty boy Erwin.

You smiled, huffing in amusement the moment Erwin made eye contact with you after the formation was dismissed. You were in Erwin’s squad, tasked with overlooking the trio’s training and making sure one of them, specifically Levi, didn’t kill Flagon.

You followed closely, hands behind your back, listening to Isabel excitedly guess where they were going. Farlan took in his surroundings, barely acknowledging Isabel, just looking around with wide eyes. For some reason, you thought they’d still be adjusting to the brightness on the surface or marveling at the sky, but you reminded yourself that maybe it was their first time up on the surface. Who were you to assume anything.

Flagon moved to the barracks, pushing the doors open, announcing that this was their sleeping quarters. It almost broke your heart when Flagon explained that women slept in a different section of the barracks, almost. With Isabel demanding to stay in the same room as her friends, Levi walked up to one of the bunks and what he did surprised you.

Levi reached his hand under the top bunk, dirt immediately falling from the surface he touched. You noticed the way Isabel and Farlan quickly closed in on themselves, worry etching itself across their faces. Their eyes frantically moved from the back of Levi’s head to his fingers, rubbing them together in an attempt to remove all the grime from his skin.

It clicked.

The worry etched on their faces as Levi inspected the cleanliness of the bunks. The worry that had been etched across their faces when Levi’s face was pressed into the puddle of dirty water.

It didn’t click for Flagon. You forget that he wasn’t there, that night at the Underground.

“You lot have been living in the dumps of the underground, but do try to keep it clean.”

“Huh?” Levi sneered, turning to glare up at Flagon.

You raised your eyebrows in amusement, deciding to step in when it got a little far over the line.

Levi took a step closer to Flagon, invading his personal space. Isabel and Farlan unsure of what to do in that moment. Do they protect their leader or do they show loyalty to their new commanding officer?

Flagon stuttered as he attempted to reign his authority over Levi. You bit back a smile, looking to the ground, squeezing your fingers behind your back. Farlan quickly stepped in, speaking up for Levi, apologizing, promising to keep the barracks clean.

With a scoff, Flagon walked away from the trio. You spared a glance back at the trio. Levi glaring at Farlan, his disbelief barely masked; Isabel was in complete shock in the back.

“Isabel, I’ll be outside to show you to the women’s section. Try not to take too long. I’ll see you two at training tomorrow,” you finally said. Levi’s eyes immediately rested on you, the scowl never leaving his face. You just smiled, offering a quick nod before twirling to make your way out of the room.

You smiled at the feeling of three pairs of eyes not leaving the back of your head.

“You say that they already know how to use the ODM gear?” Hange beamed, rubbing their hands together excitedly. You offered a simple nod, not helping the smile on your face as Hange nudged you a little too roughly on the way to the forest just outside of the castle.

You glanced over to see Isabel on a horse, riding around in ease. You tilted your head; were there horses in the Underground?

You didn’t see Farlan, but Levi was in the process of attaching the ODM gear to his being. You nodded Hange in his direction, telling them to give him his space. You noticed he wasn’t too fond of strangers, so who knew how’d he react to Hange’s… disregard to personal space.

Both of you stepped up next to Flagon, eager to watch Levi’s skills with the gear; you a little more than Hange, having already had a taste during the chase in the Underground that night.

You tucked your hands into the pockets of your jacket, left foot back and the toes of your boots pressed into the ground. You watched with fascination, sucking your bottom lip in and raking your teeth over the skin.

You nearly bit the skin when Levi pulled the blade with his right hand from its place with ease and elegance, holding the handle so that the blade protected his forearm, so that it mimicked his movement. The same way he held the knife to defend himself against Erwin’s attack. It made the hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention.

How did -

“That just might happen to you. All I have to do is slice the titan’s neck, right?” Quiet. “I’ll do it my way.”

You quickly stepped up, putting an arm across Flagon’s chest. He was fuming, but you knew that if Erwin wanted them for a reform, that they were to be trusted, that everyone needed to trust the trio’s doings.

“Give him a chance. You haven’t seen what he can do,” you warned quietly.

Levi stopped, throwing a glance over his shoulder, locking eyes with you for a brief moment just before he went off into the forest, flipping and twirling with ease.

Your eyes never left Levi’s form, even as he became smaller and smaller, completely disappearing into the training course. Not even when Hange began to babble and squeal in excitement over Levi’s movements, regardless of the lack of formal training.

“Why do you continue to defend him?” Flagon glowered.

“Why do you continue to hold a grudge towards him? Has he done anything to you personally, Flagon? Or are you just someone who doesn’t take well to someone that is better skilled? Someone with natural talent?” You simply asked, rubbing your thumb against Akiko’s, your horse, muzzle. Your other hand carefully brushed through her mane, playfully twirling it at the end.

Eyes moving to Flagon, you arched a brow, urging him to speak his truth. Instead, Flagon scoffed, rolling his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest. You rolled your eyes, turning back your attention back to Akiko, except -

“You don’t think that it’s a problem that criminals were recruited into the Scout Regiment? Into the Survey Corps? People look up to us. Now they’re going to look up to them?” Flagon fumed, disgust evident when he spat out the last word.

With that, you quietly apologized to Akiko before moving your body towards Flagon, rushing him until he was pressed against the stone wall, eyes wide in bewilderment. Finger pressed to his chest, jabbing into his sternum.

“You wanna know what I think, Flagon? I think that people like you are a fucking problem. You think the whole world knows they’re criminals? You think it matters to the people who aren’t in the regiment? Hmm?,” you growled, “you think that the people that look up to us know what we’ve done to survive? That they’ll ever know?”

Flagon was growing red in the face and you only pushed harder, your face only centimeters from his.

“Who gives a shit if they’re criminals? Are they criminals because they did what they could to survive? Or are they criminals because you and every other fucking person who thinks they’re God almighty for living on the surface assume that anyone from the Underground is just that, a criminal?”

The sound of hooves clicking against the ground, followed by feet landing on the ground snapped you out of your rage. You backed off Flagon, your face burning hot, your eyes narrowed in anger.

Flagon held your gaze before scoffing, brushing past you and out of the stable.

With a deep exhale, you shut your eyes and leaned your head back, hands clenched at your sides. You rolled your head to side, eyes growing slightly wide at Levi giving you a stoic look. No glare, no scowl, no furrowed brows or narrowed eyes.

You cleared your throat, straightened yourself out, moving to grab your things and bid Akiko a good afternoon, promising to visit her after dinner. With a gentle kiss to her muzzle, you rubbed the side of her face and left for the exit.

“You’re an idiot if you think defending us will get you on our good side.”

You stopped in your tracks, looking over your shoulder. Levi was facing his own horse, not bothering to spare you a glance. His hands gentle on his horse’s muzzle, reassuring, despite his cold demeanor towards you.

“And you’re a dumbass if you think I give shit about being on your good side, Levi.”  

You walked out.

Levi was quick to discover that cloudless nights were his favorite. They didn’t remind him of the Underground.

The emeralds stuck to the surface’s dirt were nothing compared to the stars shining brilliantly in the night sky. The rich shade of blue, almost black, brought a sort of peacefulness over Levi.

Making his way to the top of the castle, Levi quietly moved to stand outside. With a cup of tea in his hand, he leaned over the edge, elbows resting on the bricks. He felt relaxed, until he glanced to the side and saw a figure. Sitting with their back against the castle, but on the raised lookover, knees pulled to their chest.

Levi allowed an annoyed sound to leave his body, rolling his eyes when he realized it was you. He refused to move from his spot, head turned towards the crescent shape in the sky. He was surprised that your presence didn’t… bother him.

Levi was also surprised that you didn’t say anything to him, didn’t even bother acknowledging him.

Levi arched a brow, sparing another glance towards you, memories from today running through his mind.

A Military Police officer called you Erwin’s bitch, taunting you, sneering that you would never be anything more than Erwin’s bitch.

Levi scoffed at the memory of you grabbing the man by the neck, slamming him down to the ground and beating the shit out of him.

Erwin just stared, watching you beat the shit out of the officer until his blood staining your shirt, splattered on your face. You finally had enough, simply wiping your face with the sleeve of your jacket, excusing yourself before walking off as nothing happened.

Levi almost smiled, taking a sip of tea.

“I enjoy the cloudless nights, too,” your voice pulled Levi out of his minitrance.

He turned to look at you with disinterest, but out of respect, after seeing what you were capable of today.

Your eyes never left the sky. The moon reflected in your irises, soft white glow accenting your features, making you… surreal.

“Seems like you do, too,” you continued, “Not to be a total creep. I just noticed that when the skies are clear and the heavens are on full display, the three of you sneak away.”

Levi’s eyes widened, a small gasp leaving him. You finally looked over offering a shy, apologetic smile.

“I don’t blame you. It’s a beautiful sight.”

You finally moved from your spot, carefully stepping down and stretching. With a tight lipped smile, you made your way to the door.

“They remind me of all the shit we went through, to be grateful,” Levi bullshitted, making you stop in your tracks.

For a moment, the silence was back, only to be broken by your short laugh.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” and you left, leaving Levi on his own before Isabel and Farlan joined him.

It had been two weeks since the return from the twenty-third expedition beyond the walls. Training resumed, research on titans continued. Erwin asked for your thoughts on the revised works of his new formation for the next expedition. This last one worked well, but Erwin strived for the best.

After confessing that he only joined the Corps to get close to Erwin for a job, that would’ve resulted in the death of Erwin and Erwin confessing that he knew all along, Levi was quieter than usual;  especially after the death of Isabel and Farlan, leaving Levi alone.

You managed to pull some strings with the help of Erwin.

Isabel and Farlan’s bodies were cremated separately from the rest of the fallen scouts. Hidden underneath your green cloak, rested the urn.

It was early morning. The sky was still dark, with the exception of the light purples and blues that cleared the path for the sun’s journey across the heavens. They were your favorite shades of blues, even pinks. The quietness, the stillness that came with it was also your favorite.

Birds beginning their daily songs, the coolness in the hair and the smell of dew covered grass. The softness of the ground beneath your feet as you made your way to the edge of the cliff.

You knew Levi would be there. He’d been waking up early in the mornings for the past four days, since your squad (as you were taking temporary command for Erwin) and Flagan’s squad provided backup for Hange’s squad for the next week, due to some research and intel.

Just as you predicted, Levi sat on the cliff, feet dangling off the edge. His cloak draped over his shoulders, but you could tell he wasn’t in uniform.

You knew that he could tell you were behind him. That didn’t stop you from getting nervous. Your steps slowed, your heartbeat picked up, cheeks burning. You paused, inhaling slowly, doing your best to push the nerves aside.

“What could possibly be so important that you had to bother me first thing in the morning?”

You carefully walked closer, stopping right next to him but never sitting. The urn still hidden under your cloak, eyes softening at the sight of the first birds taking flight this early in the morning. Somehow, the urn was colder than the early morning.

“I never get tired of waking up to see the sunrise, or to see the sun hide behind the horizons and letting the moon paint the heavens in brilliant whites,” you implored softly. A little smile found its way onto your face for just a brief moment.

You inhaled, the smell of dew waking your senses, reminding you of the urn sitting in your hands. With the most care, you carefully unveiled the urn from underneath your cloak, catching Levi’s attention.

“I pulled some strings. All the fallen scouts are cremated, but their ashes are usually buried together. Doesn’t make much sense, but then again… you can’t bury all those bodies,” you rambled mindlessly, “They spent their entire life underground and I just… why spend eternity below the surface as well?”

Nervously, your eyes shifted from daybreak, past the urn and down to Levi. Lips parted in surprise that Levi was looking up at you. Furrowed brows, eyes wide in complete shock; his gaze locked onto the urn. The veins in his fingers visible from the way he was gripping his teacup.

You cleared your throat, eyes immediately moving to the ground. His reaction… it was too intimate for you to witness.

You inhaled deeply, quietly, taking a step back to set the urn beside him. You offered a small smile, never turning to look at him directly. Another few steps back before you fully turned, moving away from Levi’s spot.

Your heart pounded against your chest, threatening to break a couple ribs. You couldn’t explain to yourself why you were feeling this way after leaving the urn with -

You made your way back to the cottage, despite the quiet “thank you” you heard, tempting you to look back, to reassure that it wasn’t some figment of your imagination.

Wall Maria fell.

You watched in horror as the Colossal Titan disappeared, titans pouring in front the opening and spreading throughout Shiganshina. The screams and cries of the people embedding itself into your brain. Haunting you.

Move. Do something. Do anything

You stood there, frozen. Titans were inside the city. People were dead. People were going to keep dying unless they evacuated… or they didn’t get eaten by titans.

It was at the sound of one of the Garrison’s Captains calling out for the gate to be closed that brought you back to your senses.

“Do not close those fucking gates,” you snapped, pulling out the hand grips of your ODM gear from your jacket pockets, hidden underneath your cloak, “You are not going to leave these people to die. You are not going to abandon humanity!”

You couldn’t kill all those titans yourself. You were only to deliver paperwork to Pixis, but you found Rico instead.

You didn’t deliver the paperwork. You watched innocent people die; people who never imagined that they would live to see the walls breached by the titans. You watched the Garrisons shoot cannons at a new type of mutant titan. You screamed at the Garrisons to keep the gate open, zipping around to help whoever you could, to save those that you could. You cleared the gate of as many people as you could when the mutant titan ran towards the inner wall, the only escape.

The sound of Garrison Scouts taunting children pulled you out of your trance. He said something about the titans eating more citizens of Shiganshina, that it would’ve helped with the food situation. It made your blood boil.

You growled, reaching for your hand-grip, mind set on pulling out a blade and holding it to his neck. Until a small boy kicked him in the shin, screaming that they didn’t see the way the titans came into Shiganshina; they didn’t see family members, neighbors and friends get their bodies ripped in half.

You stopped when another small boy, a blond, came rushing to his friend’s aide. Passing the brunette’s outburst as a side effect of hunger, of trauma. People turned, their attention drawn to the dispute.

You could tell the scout was flustered, not wanting the rest of the people to think badly of him. To know his truth.

The officer walked back to his group. Just as he clicked his tongue, ready to rant, you quickly joined them. His eyes narrowed at the sight of you, but immediately widened when he noticed the symbol on your jacket.

With ease, you pulled him behind the corner of the building into the alley, making sure his friends witnessed everything. A groan left his lips when you slammed him against the wall, hand wrapped around the collar of his shirt.

“Such a shame to have such shitty people in the Garrison branch. Have you no humanity in you? Or are you a titan in disguise?” you sneered, “Would be a great reason as to why you’re in this branch of the military. Easy access, right?”

You watched the fear in his eyes.

“No, it’s not a disguise. It’s the fact that you truly are the shittiest of all people. You’re disgusting,” you growled, pushing him harder against the wall and letting go, watching him fall to the ground before walking away.

There was a soft knock on the door before you peeked in, offering Levi a shy smile. You quickly gave a small wave, pushing yourself in through the opening in the door. You closed the door behind you, leaning back onto it.

“Why are you trying to be cute?” Levi rolled his eyes, pulling down the bandana wrapped around his face like a mask.

“I don’t need to try, bug. I just am,” you replied quietly, pushing off the door to make your way to his desk.

Levi gave you a look the moment you tried to sit on his desk, swatting your thigh before you touched the desk. You offered a bashful smile, holding your hands in surrender and standing to your full height.

“Well. I just wanted to see if you were in the mood to go to the market. Mike mentioned new teas and how the smells were damn near intoxicating. I’ve been meaning to restock on some chamomile,” you trailed off, mindlessly dusting off the front of his shirt with one hand.

“Mmm. Give me twenty minutes. Maybe I’ll get extra black tea since I seem to have finished it quicker than usual,” Levi simply stated, arching an eyebrow at you.

You didn’t bother fighting the smile creeping across your face, eyes glued to where your hand rested on Levi’s chest. You finally spared a glance when Levi’s hand wrapped around your wrist, thumb rubbing back and forth against the back of your hand.

“You have good taste,” you shrugged, locking eyes with him.

Levi rolled his eyes, moving his hand from your wrist to hold your fingers, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. You couldn’t help the heat in your cheeks, shyly breaking away from his gaze and settling to your skin against his lips.

Twenty minutes later, you found yourself walking beside Levi. His hands tucked into the pockets of his black suit jacket. Levi’s hand-woven basket laid in the crook of your elbow, your other hand constantly checking your skirt pocket to reassure yourself that your money hadn’t fallen out.

“Would you stop being stupid and just put your money in the basket?”

“Levi, you and I both know you would have my head if I even thought about placing dirty money in the same basket as the goods.”

“Not if you had your money in that shitty excuse of a coin purse.”

“It is not a shitty excuse. I happen to really like it.”

“Which is why you forgot it.”

You shot Levi a side glance, pursing your lips. Levi huffed in amusement, holding his hand out. You sighed, slowing down and carefully placing your money in Levi’s hand.

Levi’s fingers closed around yours, but not all the way. Instead, his fingers easily maneuvered to slip between your fingers, but stopping at the tips. His fingers gently brushed against the middle joints of your fingers, giving your hand a slow squeeze before letting go, tucking your money into his pocket, walking off and leaving you stunned at such an assertive form of pda.

“Are you just going to stand there all day with your mouth open for the flies or are you going to buy some new tea leaves?” Levi called over his shoulder.

You made your way to the marketplace with a smile never leaving your face, the warmth of Levi’s hand lingered on yours.

At the stall that Mike mentioned, you and Levi immediately parted to opposite sides for specific interests. You sorted through the various types of herbal teas. You reached for the mint chamomile tea when a tin of loose black tea leaves was held up to you.

Leaning towards the tin, you sniffed, picking out the prepackaged peppermint tea for your own sniff test. Until Levi’s disapproving tongue click grabbed your attention.

“What?”

“Are you too good for loose leaves, brat?” Levi grumbled, moving the tin of black tea leaves from you. Your hand shot out to grab his wrist, pulling the tin back under your nose.

“You’re the brat” you sniffed, narrowing your eyes at him. Levi rolled his eyes and moved his tin again.

“Here,” Levi gave you an empty tin.

“What’s this for?”

“For your tea, dumbass.”

“Why does your face look like that?” Levi deadpanned quietly, shooting a glare Hange’s way after a particularly ear shattering squeal.

You held Akiko’s rein in one hand, the other rubbing and tugging at your fingers. The smallest of frowns painted on your lips, brows slightly furrowed. Your eyes observant as ever, yet there was sadness to them. A look so rare, Levi’s only seen it once or twice in all the years he’s known you.

“Bad feeling,” you muttered.

Everyone around you cheered, sending the best of wishes on behalf of all of humanity. Eyes bright and hopeful, children in complete awe at the sight of the Survey Corps. It did nothing to hide the fear burning bright in your eyes.

“About the expedition?” Petra piped up from your left.

Still tugging at your fingers, your gaze moved from the worn rein up to Levi. He stared back from the side of his eye, his brow arched in feign interest, but you knew that look in his eyes. That gleam of concern, the way he softened by focusing on you, the way only you knew he would.

“I just feel like… there’s something not right… about today.”  

The bad feeling deep in your gut turned out to be another Colossal Titan kicking the wall, titans making their way in and hundreds of rookies losing their lives, their first times coming face to face with titans after the last evaluations were taken.

You were in Trost District, skimming for Titans, sending your squad to check around Hange and Levi’s respective squads.

You spotted three titans. Two to the right, one to the left. You decided for the two on the right.

Flipping through the air, pulling blades from their slots, opposite of yours, you heard Hange’s cheerful yelps. You heard the sound of something through zipping around, cutting through air. You could hear him inhale deeply, preparing for the impact of cutting through titan skin.

Quickly, you changed direction, aiming for the titan that was still standing, going for the kill when the sound of Levi’s boots hitting the metal roof rang through the air.

Just as you got closer, one hand twisted the handgrip. The blade was no longer upright, but held downwards, down the length of your arm; as if protecting your forearm.

You furrowed your brows, shooting the grapple hook into the titan’s neck and shooting yourself through the air, forcing your own momentum to twirl your body, cutting off a perfectly clean slice off the nape.

You landed beside Levi, eyes on his bloody hands. His handkerchief already working at his fingers, the gaps between the finger slots. He grumbled about how gross it was.

You both looked up, eyes locking. Levi’s eyes quickly scanned your body, checking for any visible signs of injuries before settling on your face. With a click of his tongue, his gaze moved back down to his bloody hands.

“You have blood on your disgusting face,” Levi pointed out quietly.

“So wipe it off.”

Levi shot you a look of warning, clicking his tongue. You grinned softly, jumping off the building, making your way down to check on your squad members, who turned their heads in the direction of Erwin.

“Pull back.”

Levi glared at Erwin, demanding to know what the change was for, to know if his men died in vain.

“Titans are traveling in groups and they’re heading north. It’s like five years ago.”

Memories of Shiganshina came flooding back. You couldn’t help the way your eyes widened, full of disbelief, of bewilderment. You couldn’t help the slight part of your lips, breathy exhales causing your body to tremble. Your eyes shot up to Erwin, then to Levi.

Levi’s eyes were trained on you. Watching every move, from the smallest twitch in your face to the way your hands shook and rubbing against each other, from trying to ground yourself. He simply agreed, telling his squad to start moving, telling your squad to start their move, too.

Blinking rapidly, you shook head and shoulders. You cleared your throat, regaining your composure. With a deep inhale, you looked over at Levi, waiting for you with narrowed eyes, lips parted.

“I’m fine. It’s fine,” you reassured quietly, sliding your blades back into place.

You walked past Levi, only to be grabbed by your bicep and twirled around, facing Levi. His facial features were soft, regardless of that damn stoic look. His eyes scanned over your face before locking with yours, his hand never leaving your arm.

“Focus on your squad.”

You furrowed your brows, preparing to counter when Levi continued, giving your arm a squeeze.

“Promise you’ll focus on your squad.”

“Levi, I always -”

“No. My duty is humanity, to my fallen men, to prevent anymore from dying in vain. I can’t fulfill my duty if you aren’t focused on your squad.”

Oh. 

Oh.

“I… promise.”

The old Scout Regiment headquarters was as beautiful as you remembered, at least from the outside. With the exception of weeds, vines, and grime on the once pristine white bricks.

The sun shone brightly, casting a glow that reminded you of moonlight. The route to the castle was just as breathtaking with its path through the forest. You loved the way the sun peeked through openings of the trees’ canopy.

You rode alongside Levi, the hood of your cloak pulled over your head. You listened to Oluo explain the history of the old headquarters, why it stopped being of use by the Scouts. A giggle erupted from both you and Petra when Oluo bit his tongue.

Once arrived at the entrance of the castle, you called out to your own squad members to check the perimeter. Levi scoffed, eyes looking up at the sky.

You softened when you noticed Levi looking at one specific spot, at the tallest point of the castle. There was an opening there, where Levi broke the windows. Where the urn rested.

Akiko nudged against Levi’s horse, Ryu, before moving towards the outdoor stables. You shot him a small smile, turning around to join Eld and Gunther. You could feel Levi’s eyes boring into your back, your smile never fading.

You pulled out a simple white bandana, tying it loosely around your neck, but enough for it to cover your nose and mouth when you entered the castle. You grabbed another white bandana, holding it out for Levi as he walked up to stand beside you.

“Let’s get to work,” Levi called out, grabbing the bandana from your hand and easily untying the one around your neck. You glared at him, reaching to take it back from him, however he already made his way inside.

“Jackass,” you muttered, whistling loudly to get your squad’s attention.

Your squad and you handled cleaning the headquarters from the outside. Picking up debris, cutting the weeds, cleaning the horse stables and providing fresh water and hay, and scrubbing the castle’s exterior. The soft chatter and singing of birds filled the silence, never disrupting the peacefulness to it all.

With the use of the ODM gear, your squad and you were able to clean the windows and scrub the grime the best you could. You reached for one of the wooden excuses of a window, but beaten when Levi pushed it open, doors slamming against the brick.

Levi’s eyes bored into yours, leaning further outside of the window, closer towards you. You rolled your eyes, leaning in, too.

“Of course you’d be in this room,” you murmured, pulling down the bandana from your face.

Levi scoffed, reaching out to grab you by the lapel of your jacket, pulling you so that your legs came through the window, ass on the window sill. Your hand quickly shot out to grab him by the juncture of his shoulder and neck, fingers dancing over the knotted cloth.

“All work, but no play?” Levi arched an eyebrow, eyes scanning over your face. There was a hint of playfulness that only you would ever catch.

“Oh, there’s some play,�� you grinned, fingers working quickly to untie the bandana around his neck. Your other hand hits the trigger of your handgrip, gas turning the turbines of your ODM’s main housing, pulling you out of the window and into the sky.

You winked at Levi, waving the white bandana before disappearing to another area of the castle.  

Later in the night, after Hange got Levi’s permission for Eren to join her the next day and Eren being dumb enough to ask about the kinds of experiments that Hange would preforming on the two captured titans, you found yourself in the stables.

It was a cloudless night, the moon outshining the stars that scattered across the heavens. You smiled to yourself, hearing footsteps approaching.

You kept your back to the entrance, a cup of chamomile tea in one hand and the other hand held an apple out to Akiko. Ryu moved, head turned towards Akiko, as if to snatch the apple from her mouth.

“Ryu, of course I brought you one, too,” you chuckled quietly, pulling another apple and holding it out to him.

Ryu eagerly took the apple into his mouth, closing his eyes. You simply smiled, rubbing his muzzle, taking a small sip from your teacup.

“I didn’t forget about you,” you cooed, looking at Levi over your shoulder. Your eyes moved to the small table beside the entrance, gesturing to the hot cup of black tea.

Levi grunted approvingly, making a grab for his tea before walking up to you. His free hand reached up to pet Ryu’s muzzle, hand slowly settling over yours. You couldn’t help the heat in your cheeks, turning your head to look at Levi.

Levi’s face remained turned towards Ryu, yet his hand intertwined with yours. Elegantly, Levi managed to twist his fingers to cup yours, slowly tucking his thumb into your palm and fingers splayed over the back of your hand. He turned his face carefully to look at you, the same usual bored look on his face, but his eyes were soft.

The space between Levi’s eyebrows was flat, his overall facial features relaxed. He looked at you with such adoration, the corners of his mouth slightly turned upwards, bringing your hand to his chest as your fingers curled about his thumb.

“Thank you, sweet girl.”

“Come on,” you muttered to Akiko, moving the reign to get her to go faster, “come on, Akiko.”

The cottage that Levi’s squad resided in came into view, only encouraging you to push Akiko to move faster.

The sun was low, no longer the harsh heat beating down on you. The sky was blue, but littered with beautiful orange highlights against swirls of clouds. The breeze felt so good against your neck, your forehead.

You jumped off the moment you were close enough, trusting Akiko to move closer to the house as you ran to the door, not bothering to knock. You stood at the threshold of the dining room kitchen.

“Captain Levi,” you called out, stopping at the sight of everyone gathered at the table. Hange visibly shaken at the seat next to the window, Levi looking at you with furrowed brows; you never called him by his title.

There was a gleam in his eyes as you approached him, his body tensing.

“I have a message from Erwin. Nifa went to tell him about Pastor Nick,” eyes sparing a glance at Hange, “but she gave me this when she returned.”

You handed Levi a carefully folded note, your fingers brushing against his. Levi broke his gaze from yours, quickly looking over the note. He shot you a grim look, telling everyone to grab their things and move out; make it look like they were never there.

You watched everyone move around quietly, catching soft murmurs about what the note must have said. You moved your gaze back to Levi, never moving from your spot whilst he walked up to you, tucking the note back into your jacket, underneath your cloak.

You shot your hand out to cup his neck, fingers dancing along the nape of his neck, barely brushing against the shaved hair. Levi’s own hand moved from your pocket to the hem of your jacket, pulling you closer.

“I have to go back. I’ll meet you back in Trost District. Just… please be careful,” you whispered, eyes worriedly searching his face.

“Take the opposite path you came,” Levi commanded quietly, his eyes serious as they stared into yours, “outsmart those shitheads.”

“Levi,” you whispered, the worry seeping through, into your voice.

What Levi did next caught you off guard. He leaned in, placing a kiss on your forehead then on the crown of your head. His hand moved to your hips, giving you a reassuring squeeze.

“I’ll see you in Trost District,” Levi murmured, pushing you back to the door.

You couldn’t help the fucking stinging behind your eyes, not wanting to take your eyes from Levi.

“Go. I promise I’ll see you in Trost District. I need to focus on the kids,” Levi warned you softly, cupping your cheek, “We’ll see you soon.”

You nodded, running back out, jumping on Akiko and commanding Akiko back the way you came. You spared one glance back, watching the kids pile out in brown cloaks. It was the last thing you saw before directing Akiko down a different path.

You watched in horror at the sight of the titan crawling through the fields, mouth wide open and eyes watering. It was… it had to be bigger than the Colossal Titan. There was no way that it wasn’t.

Everything it touched burned, everything it was in close proximity went up in flames. It’s trails created a new valley in the ground, fires jumping off its body and onto the surrounding trees.

Your hands went limp, your eyes never leaving the creature, and for a brief moment, doubt spread throughout your body. 

How the fuck were you going to take it down?

“Commander Erwin! It’s Squad Levi! They have Eren and Historia!”

Your head snapped in the direction that the Scout came from, watching as Squad Levi came right from behind.

Your eyes watered at the sight of Levi, your body shuddering in relief. You couldn’t help the soft sob that raked through your body, turning your head down, hand clamped over your mouth and eyes squeeze shut.

Slow inhale, deep exhale.

“Oi,” Levi muttered, nudging your foot with his.

You shook your head, damning the tears that wouldn’t stop trickling down your face.

“Oi,” Levi breathed, reaching over to pull your hand away from your mouth, “look at me.”

You sniffled, eyes narrowed, finally looking at him. Your vision was blurry, but you knew you weren’t imagining the soft look he was giving you, not giving a shit of who saw.

Levi’s eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes looking you over before locking with yours. His hand wrapped around yours, pulling you closer until you were centimeters away.

“I made a promise. I would have expected you, of all people, to know I keep my promises,” Levi mocked.

“You’re such an ass,” you sniffled, wiping your tears. You tried to pull away, to no avail.

The corner of Levi’s mouth quirked upwards, his hand pulling you closer while leaning in, capturing your lips against his for a brief moment. Your face burned hot, pulling away and looking around in bewilderment.

No one was around. A moment of privacy.

You allowed yourself a moment to be selfish, looking back at Levi and stealing another kiss.

This one was different. You poured everything you had, everything you felt; fear, relief, shock, sadness, hope, love. Levi reprociated the kiss. His own feelings poured into it; his own hopes, his own relief, his own moment to be selfish, just for a moment. Even the strong had their weaknesses, had to recharge.

Erwin called out that it was time to move.

Levi pulled away, but you pulled back in for one more quick kiss.

Levi hummed lowly, pulling away, shooting you a look of warning.

“Let’s go. They’re not going to wait on your ass forever,” Levi scoffed, moving Ryu away and ahead of you.

“Yeah, but you will,” you murmured, following him.

[mistchievous]

Finally listened to the podcast episode of Dispatch and it made me want to dip my toe into new waters, only recently I dared to start listening to podcasts especially in English. So, can you tell me what app you use on your phone to listen to the podfics and can you rec me a few of yours to start me with? 🥺 Something around one hour, enough time to listen while cooking.

All content creators should get all the love and appreciation so everyone should give some feedback if they like the things we get from the creators, hopefully with this episode more podfic creators and other ones will get more love and appreciation ❤️

Ohhhhh! Welcome to the world of podfics, darling! 🥰

And yes. I hope so too. 💜 So many creators get discouraged by it. Feedback plays such an important role in continued motivation, and podficcing is just so thankless. 🥺💔

As for the app, you can use pretty much any MP3 player or music app. I personally use this one. I just really love the setup. I paid a couple of dollars to permanently remove ads when I first got it. And I've used it ever since! But there are a TON of MP3 apps, and any will work. 💛

As for a couple of mine to start with while you cook, maybe try one of these six! These are all standalone fics (or can be listened to as a standalone fic - one is technically the first fic in a series).

I’m assuming you’re looking for Buddie podfics. 😂

I’ll share these by length from shortest to longest, so hopefully you can find something that works for you! They range from 42 minutes to 1 hour and 5 minutes.

“Love in the Time of TikTok” by @evandiaz [Rated T, Length: 42:34] 

Summary: "It seems kind of dystopian to let millions of people know he’s in love with his best friend before telling said best friend first, doesn’t it?

Whatever. Fuck it.

It’s not like anyone he knows in real life watches his TikToks anyway, so he can be a little freer with the truth even if doesn’t tell his followers everything. He already keeps a tight cinch around his emotions when he’s at work, he can let his guard down a little on here, right?"

Wrong.

“my heart’s a secret, tell me you’ll keep it” by @sibylsleaves [Rated T, Length: 44:47] 

Summary: Buck’s first mistake was coming to the bar.

Actually, scratch that—his first mistake was falling hopelessly in love with his best friend, but he’s not sure he could’ve prevented that one.

But the bar—that he could have avoided. And the first shot of tequila. And the second, and third, and fourth.

His seventh mistake was watching Eddie get hit-on by a dead ringer for Chris Evans.

His eighth—and arguably most egregious—mistake was talking to Chimney.

Or, Buck tells Chimney a secret. This proves to be a mistake.

“dream of some epiphany” by @extasiswings​ [Rated M, Length: 48:23]

Summary: Evan Buckley is lost.

It’s happenstance that he wanders into the navy recruiting center—he’s been in San Diego for a few weeks, bartending late nights and weekends, living in a house with three other guys not because he needs the roommates but because he doesn’t want to be alone, and the military is…respectable. Stable. So Buck thinks maybe and opens the door.

Buck leaves ten minutes later with a set of printed instructions for sending his first letter, assured that he can drop it off whenever he’s ready, and a name.

Staff Sergeant Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz.

“beauty in the small things” by @thisissirius [Rated M, Length: 49:58]

Summary: I don’t want therapy.

I don’t want to self-medicate.

I don’t want to be a failure to my son.

How, then, is a guy supposed to deal with everything he suffered during war without damaging himself and his family?

Yeah, writing wasn’t my first thought either, but here we are.

“Carbon Date Me, Excavate Me” by @extasiswings & @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels [Rated M, Length: 51:28]

Summary: Evan "Buck" Buckley has made a name for himself as the independent bad boy of archaeology. At least, until Professor Eddie Diaz shows up with his fedora and good looks and starts beating Buck to the punch more often than not.

Buck hates his stupid six-pack covered guts.

Except for how... he might not.

“baby, say you’ll always keep me” by @hattalove [Rated T, Length: 1:04:54]

Summary: “Yeah,” Eddie says, and the darkness behind his eyelids takes on a white edge. “Be good. Nice to be married,” he yanks on Buck’s t-shirt, “best friend.”

Finally, Buck takes a breath that sounds off somehow, but he laughs too, and that sounds normal, Eddie thinks. A normal laugh.“

Sure, Eds,” he says, and there’s his hand in Eddie’s hair again, a puff of breath on the crown of Eddie’s head like Buck leaned in to press a kiss there and then stopped, but why would he stop—“I’ll marry you if you remind me tomorrow.”

or the one in which joking about being married to your best friend is all fun and games, right up until you realize that you're not laughing.

[squinchasaurus]

Here are the thoughts off the top of my head. I tried to separate it into questions you asked. How would the scouts fight titans with Daemons? The problem with Scouts having Daemons would be the limited physical distance a person and their Daemon are. If they follow the same rules in HDM, then there’s a limited distance a person can be from their Daemon before they started to have negative effects, which would distract them from the fight and put them at greater risk. Pain and anguish in the middle of a fight would be deadly, intruding on a Scout’s emotions and awareness as they swing out of range of their Daemon. Fighting on ODM, the Scouts travel long distances very fast, so they would quickly outdistance most animals. I think that anyone undergoing cadet training would have go through a process of gradually separating from their Daemons like the witches did, or like Lyra did in the underworld, so they could fight without worrying about where their Daemon was. But it would set up a big problem in that, like Pantalaimon, trust could be lost, and a Daemon could run away. Also, the cadet and the Daemon would be changed afterwards.

It would be clever to play up the brutality of their training if they underwent that process of separation. It could play out several ways, but I think only one would be the best option with the least casualties and that would for it to be a long gradual process throughout the three years of training. That allows both the human and Daemon to adjust to increasingly farther distances with the least amount of pain. Other options like confining a cadet and forcefully removing the Daemon far enough away would add a ton of trauma to the kids, who already have so much just by being born into that hellish world. Or bringing Mrs. Coulter’s silver guillotine device to the camp is an option, but probably the most horrifying way to sever them. The problem would be that the number of cadets who would die from the process would be too great to fill their army, so some way to mitigate the deaths would need to be found. As for fighting with a Daemon that is really tricky. I’m not great at strategy to be able to come up with full-fledged ideas right away, but a few things off the top of my head are a lot of animal types just wouldn’t be suited to fighting Titans. Birds and flying creatures make the most sense for scouts. Land creatures would be outmatched being stuck on the ground among Titan feet honestly. If someone has some ideas on that I’d love to hear them! There is something to consider though, and that’s the Daemon’s form reflect the person. Military Police would be well suited for dogs for instance, Scouts for hawks and eagles who could at least try to blind the Titans with their talons. This raises the question of does the military only recruit these kinds of people, or will it find use for any creature? Does being born with a hawk Daemon predispose a person to want to join the scouts? Interesting idea to explore. What happens to a person’s Daemon if a person turns into a Titan, then changes back to human? Since we know that when a person becomes a Titan their consciousness spends that time suspended in a nightmare with only limited awareness of the outside world, I think on a soul level it would be like the process of intercision in HDM. They become severed and their Daemon dies. If they are changed back to human, the Daemons don’t magically come back. The person would in effect be severed and react the way they do in HDM. The majority would die from severe shock of the process. The few who survive would basically be soulless, and they would live their remaining life without any real meaning, a husk of their former selves. In the HDM Wiki is says intercision has similar effects as a lobotomy. Honestly, the idea is really bleak and perfect in a brutal world like Attack on Titan, where often people receive much worse than they deserve. Perhaps the severed Daemons (souls) go to Paths when they die and can be reunited there in some way? But that wouldn’t be an option for most people of course. What animal would each character have? I’d have to really think on this more honestly. Would people inside the walls have more knowledge on the outside world animals purely because of the existence of such daemons? If we are following the AoT story and world, it’s possible King Fritz erases knowledge of outside animals and so no one has Daemons that are unknown. Or that could be a great mystery inside the walls; why Daemons come in more animals than what they have. I’m not sure which I prefer personally.

okay I'm going to ask. has anyone here heard of His Dark Materials? because I'm fascinated by the idea of an aot daemon au and I want someone to talk about it with ahjadgfskg I don't know completely how it would work tbh. how would the Scouts go fight titans with daemons? do they just take them with them? what happens to a person's daemon when they turn into a titan? because this could have helped the people inside the walls figure out instantly that the titans are transformed humans in a sense, if they kept their daemons. or alternatively, if a person's daemon dies when they turn into a titan, what about titans turning back to humans, like titan shifters or a post-rumbling scenario - would they just get their daemons back somehow? what animal would each character have? would the people inside the walls have more knowledge on outside world animals purely because of the existence of such daemons?

[quietmyfearswith]

sparse sleep ; syverson x fem!reader

status — completed oneshot

word count —1,972 words

summary — in which syverson has trouble sleeping.

warnings —swear words, fluff?? mentions ptsd and war things, angst?? insomia, implied smut, sleeping (literal sleeping) with strangers (thats dangerous please dont do that)

pairing — syverson x fem!reader

a/n — dont mind me, im just trying to get out of my fanfic writing rut so i would really appreciate some feedback and asks/messages are open! if you follow me, please state your age/age range in your bio. i will block you if you follow me and don’t have your age/age range in your bio!!!

tagging —​ @la-cey @melancholyy-hill @pedropcl @beck07990 @doozywoozy

masterlist | series masterlist | join my taglist (please follow the rules)

“Shit! I’m so sorry,” Sy apologized as he accidentally spilled his drink on a woman who was sitting by the bar; his eyes lifted from the stain his drink made on her velvet dress to her eyes. Wow she looks beautiful, he thought as his mouth hung agape and he struggled to formulate words. “It’s alright,” She reassured him and chuckled at his panic, “I trust it was just an accident?”

It took him a few seconds before foolishly nodding his head, “It was, I’m sorry,” He pointed to the gathering crowd behind him that were rushing to get out to the balcony, “I was being pushed around by all these people.” It was a mere ten minutes before the new year approached them.

“Ah, well I don’t know about them but I’m not too keen on the fireworks,” She stated as she paid her bill. This lured Sy in as he hasn’t met a lot of people who disliked fireworks like he did, “You don’t like fireworks too? How come?”

She shook her head as she stood up from the chair, “Well just one of the reasons is that it bothers a lot of dogs.”

“My dog hates the fireworks too!” He said, too excited and he had to clear his throat as he began to walk along with her, “‘Tis the reason why I chose a hotel room with soundproof walls, or so they say.” Waiting for the elevator, she cooed at the mention of his furry companion; she was too excited that she couldn't help herself from asking, “Do you mind if I see your dog? Only if it’s alright, of course.”

The elevator let out a soft chime, Sy gestured for her to step in first and she did, “Sure!” He entered his own floor number and smirked smugly at her, “You sure this isn’t some devious plan of yours to lure me in and seduce me?”

She could feel her heart beat increase as she shook her head and slapped a hand to his pec, “No! Excuse you I just happen to love dogs so much, okay?” The former captain could feel the nervousness start to sink in as the elevator didn’t play out instrumental music; shifting his weight between his feet, he took a good look at her face as she was looking on her phone with a slight frown.

“What got you pouting over there like a heartbroken child?”

His Texan accent was thick when he said that sentence that it had her laughing softly as she chucked her phone into the back pocket of her denim jeans, “Where’s that accent from?”

“Texas; you from there?” She shook her head as she told him where she was originally from. The soft elevator chime informed them they were on the Captain’s floor. Taking charge, Sy exited first and his one hand pressed against the elevator doors, giving Y/N enough time to step out of the cold box. “Are all Texans a gentleman like you? Or is it just you?”

A deep chuckle erupted from his chest as he reached for his hotel key card in his back pocket once they were in front of his hotel room door, “Some are as dastardly as they come, while some clean up their act only to impress the ones they’re courting.”

As he opened the door, he gestured for her to enter first and she did with a smile; upon closing the door behind him, they both could hear Aika’s excited  barks coming from the bathroom. “You might want to sit first on the bed, I’m gonna get her out.”

“Taking me to bed already? Naughty Texan you are,” Her flirty remark had the both of them laughing, but she happily skipped and sat on the bed as she patiently waited for the dog.

“And this is Aika,” Sy announced as the German Shepherd patiently and in a disciplined manner walked beside him; it was impressive to Y/N how the cute pooch was, despite her excitement — which was visible with her wagging her tail vigorously — she was still staying beside him before being given permission to approach her.

“You can go ahead and pet her,” Sy nodded as he sat on the floor beside Aika. With that signal, she knelt down and proceeded to scratch the space between her ears as she greeted, “Hi Aika, how are you?”

Sy looked with adoration as the girl giggled out loud when her face was being smothered and licked by Aika’s tongue, “Alright easy now, girl,” He tried pushing Aika to him; but to no avail the female dog seemed to have preferred his new found friend more as she plopped herself onto her lap and nuzzled to her.

“It seems like she might have chosen over you,” She observed as she stroked her fur with a smile; “I can’t blame her for doing so; I would have chosen you too, you know?”

His remark had her eyes widening and shock and she could feel the heat rushing up to her cheeks, “I don’t think I’m strong enough to carry you on my lap, Sy.” It was the first time he heard say her name and he felt this tremble inside him — due to all his years in the military, he mistook the feeling for something of fear while he was out in the battlefield — but really it was just butterflies floating around in his stomach.

“Well doesn’t have to be sitting on your lap, you could sit on mine you know?” He threw in a wink to mask his nervousness. Biting her lip, she gently jostled Aika off her lap and moved to sit beside him, until the outside of both their thighs were grazing against each other, “Let’s start off like this first and see where we go from here, yeah?”

“I’m fine with that,” He grinned at her, he checked on his wrist watch and noticed how they were a minute away from welcoming the new year, “Last sixty seconds of this year and it’s giving me a gift as a way to end and start the new year’s.”

Loving the sound of that, she took a bold move to sit on his lap, he tilted his head up to look at her as she was caressing his bearded cheek, “How ‘bout we welcome the new year with a kiss then?”

Instead of verbally responding, he took charge and slanted his lips with hers; pleased with what he did both her hands ran across the short trims of his hair while his large, warm hands circled around her waist.

The loud countdown by the people counting down the last ten seconds could be heard, but both of them could only focus on the feel and taste of each other. As their lips danced together, they both could feel the rumbling sound of the fireworks, they felt a dog snuggle in between them.

Breaking away from the kiss they both turned their attention to the sweet furball; Sy cooed at her while he was rubbing her head lovingly, “It’s okay, girl. We’re here, we won’t let the fireworks harm you okay?”

It was abordable to see how snuggly the pooch was, they giggled among each other while they brushed her fur lovingly. Sy moved her body around so her back was to his chest, whereas AIka settled her head into her lap; it had only been less than a few hours before they had met each other, they both felt safe and at peace with each other.

“She’s so adorable, how long has she been with you?” She found it odd how the collar she had did not contain a name tag. “Been together for almost three years now, she’s an army dog.”

With that information, she turned to face him, “Are you a veteran?” He nodded with a tight-lipped smile. Her hands left Aika’s fur and turned fully to hug him, rubbing the wide expanse of his back, “Thank you for your service, Sy.”

Part of him found her reaction quite silly, but at the same time no one has expressed such sincere gratitude to him and the fact that it came from her warmed his heart even more. “Well I had to make the world safe for you now, don’t I, love?”

Removing his tight hug around him, she jokingly shoved his shoulders but smirked otherwise. “So what are your plans now that you and Aika,” She pet the dog once more to remind her that they were here for her, “Have retired from active duty?”

“Gonna be training newly recruited soldiers — gives great pay and benefits, so I thought why not?” She pouted and tilted her head as her fingers ran around the hair that was by the nape of his neck. “Maybe try to get some sleep for once.”

“You have trouble sleeping? Do you have nightmares?”

Sy nodded sadly as he bit his bottom lip, “Not really nightmares, moreso flashbacks of all the explosions and killings.” He took a deep breath before continuing his recount of his sleepless nights, “Part of the reason why I don’t like fireworks, really. They remind me of when I was back in Iraq.”

The feeling of the pad of her fingers felt great along his skin, prompting him to open up more and let down his walls. Disconnecting his gaze from Aika and onto her eyes allowed him to see orbs of hope and love. “I’m sorry to hear that, Sy. You’re so brave for having to get over the terrors that keep you up at night.”

“Maybe if I had someone to hold me, I wouldn’t have trouble sleeping.”

The captain was only joking, but she didn’t hesitate when offering, “Well I could hug you to sleep at night, test that strategy of yours?” He looked at her with bewilderment, “You’d sleep — not the euphemism — with a man you just met?”

Shrugging her shoulders, she pursed her lips, “I’ll take my chances with you, Sy. But I don’t think you’re the type to lure women and kill them in their sleep now, are you?”

He chuckled and pecked her lips softly, “Well damn am I glad that you’re taking your chance on this Texan captain. I can lend you some clothes so you can dress up?”

She nodded and stood up, offering her hands to him which he gratefully took as he stood up. Silently, he handed her clothes and guided her to the bathroom, allowing her to dress and freshen up first. Once she was done with her routine, she then exited the bathroom and told Sy it was now his turn to change. As the captain was changing into more comfortable clothes, Y/N had been petting Aika and humoring her.

“Are you ready to sleep now?” He smiled as he leaned against the wall as he was watching the lovely scene in front of him.

“I am, and I do hope you get to sleep well.”

There was the warm feeling in his chest and stomach again; instead of addressing it internally, he just picked Y/N up from the floor and laid them both down on the wide bed. “Show off,” She remarked as she cuddled up into him — her arms wrapping around his wide frame as her legs tangled with his.

“Happy new year, by the way,” She said after a few moments of silence after they were cuddling. Nodding to himself, Sy pressed a tender kiss on her shoulder before greeting her back, “Oh it will be, love.”

And that night did prove his theory right, that he does sleep better with someone holding him. But that wasn’t the only reason as to why he wanted to keep her in his life for a long time.

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 33

Pairings: Sirius B, F!Reader, Remus L   Warnings: Swearing, unhealthy defence mechanisms

【 Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Playlist 】

Chapter 33: Betray The Moon as Acolyte

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

September 8th, 1976

Remus peered up to the night sky, resplendent with a coruscating kaleidoscope of stars and the full moon. He yawned, acutely aware of his bones shifting, aching and cracking. Resting on a small cot pressed against the wall in the corner of the shrieking shack, Remus felt his temperature rise and skin stretch too thinly across his body.

“I’ll be back once the sun rises, dearie,” Madam Pomfrey called out, the door millimetres from locking shut.

“Wait,” he said and Madam Pomfrey re-opened the door with a warm, motherly smile.

“Yes?”

“Thank you. For always helping, I know it can be… tiresome.”

How long has it been? That Pomfrey had been helping him out, every full moon — had known of his affliction and been there to assist? It was years now, countless hours of her time wasted on him.

Was he that much of a burden? The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth, that made his face pucker and heart lacerate itself in fresh wounds.

“Don’t concern yourself with me, honey.” Then the door clicked shut and he heard her utter a spell; to confine the beast within the four walls.

The tormenting plague increased every minute as the countdown to his transformation loomed. His heart thudded stridently and his breathing was ragged and strained. His teeth grinded against each other and his tongue swept across them, feeling them elongate and reshape in preparation.

Remus grabbed the hem of his jumper, exasperated by the overwhelming heat and because he didn’t want to shred it in the process. As he slipped out, feeling the adored red fabric, tattered with holes and frayed yarn in his hands, the door opened and he could already smell Peter and James. Subconsciously, he shielded his body from them, to avoid them from seeing all of his scars.

Remus became dizzy instantly. James wore a particularly strong perfume that day.

More than anything, over the pain and hint of repugnance, he was nervous. It would be the first full moon since… the prank that the Marauders would be together for his transformations. Or all the Marauders aside from one and nobody wanted to address it.

A sharp pain thundered through his skull and he knew time was slipping from him. Remus couldn’t recall the last time the moments before his transformation were that painful.

“You okay, Moons?” Wormtail asked, dropping down beside him. Prongs followed in suit, taking his sweater and folding it neatly.

“I’m fine — umph —”

“Shit! Prongs, get back and turn. Now!”

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

After a week of lessons, there were considerable adjustments to the curriculum. Everyone noticed and it quickly dispersed a sombre milieu on all of Hogwarts.

Classes were smaller, many parents deciding to transfer their children to other magical schools around the world. Y/N even received a few worried letters from Matthew that there was an abundance of new British students attending Ilvermorny.

In his worried letters, Matthew informed her that the MACUSA and French Ministry of Magic had been stepping in, fighting forces against the wizarding war. It was all news to her. Ever since James’ parents cancelled their subscription to the Daily Prophet after their beliefs that they were biased, she hadn’t been able to catch up.

More defence and attack spells were taught and everyone became well aware of why someone of Professor Elway’s reputation and skill was there. The same went for the Duelling re-opening and even Flitwick initiated small tutorial sessions for students of all grades to teach them defensive spells.

Defence Against the Dark Arts became nothing more than a Muggle military camp. Elway drilled the students; attack and defence spell after the other, never stopping for a second. Transfigurations focused more on concealment and vanishing charm and every day McGonagall looked as if she aged a decade by the solemn, haunted look that nowadays was permanently carved into her.

Herbology went over a vast majority of life-saving plants, herbs and how to make their own medicine. And Potions heavily focused on identifying spiked potions with poisons and how to create reversal serums in case of emergencies.

The students of Hogwarts weren’t brainless. They knew they were training them for war.

She tried to ignore it, but if anything Y/N felt foolish. The magical world was meant to be an escape, not a guardhouse.

It didn’t help that the murders from the summer played heavily in her mind along with the rumours of Voldemort recruiting students from Hogwarts, prompting a spike of distrust to spread rampantly. It wasn’t time to fight or lose people but to keep those you trusted and loved close. So Lily keeping her distance had her worried.

Sorted into the same dorm as last year, she reckoned she would have some time with Lily but every day it seemed like she was busy with prefect duties, or had homework, or reading, or a new study group she needed to rush off to. She and Lily hadn’t resumed their usual nightly routines either, hadn’t sat with her in the Great Hall since the welcome back feast and hadn’t said more than a word to her.

It was evident that Lily was avoiding her and only her.

Maybe Y/N had gotten clingy, got too close too hastily because it felt too similar to how her mother treated her. It caused the imminent, spine-chilling feeling of wanting to push everyone away.

Extreme distress was starting to pile up.

Luckily, James stayed a constant consistency in her life and a lot of her pent-up fears dissipated by his presence. He never ignored her, if anything he went out of his way to be nearer. Even Peter and most notably, Remus, had become part of her daily life more than ever.

It was terrifying and everything told her to run. Don’t get too close, don’t get too comfortable. But it was hard not to.

That morning, James crept up to her dorm, knocking softly as she popped out, ready for the day. He looked exhausted; his eye bags were prominent, darkened and cradled in his arm, he held Remus’ rabbit.

“To keep him company,” James explained, yawning while escorting her down the staircase, passing the rabbit over. “It was a rough night.”

It would be the first time they would try to incorporate Y/N into replacing Black and balance out James’ other priorities with Remus’ moon cycles. And unable to reschedule Quidditch try-outs to another morning and James forced to leave prematurely, she would have to step in.

But her fears skyrocketed. Were they pushing it? She was only visiting him… It wasn’t out of pity and she genuinely wanted to be there to support Remus.

“What if he doesn’t want visitors?”

James rolled his eyes. “It will be fine. He’ll appreciate it more than he’ll let on.”

But then a faint floral and citrus smell flowed through the distilled air as she took a deep breath.

“James, you smell really good... Are you wearing perfume?”

His frown transformed into a prideful simper. “Bought the same perfume as my mum. Helps when I miss her.”

She gasped. “A mama’s boy!” And then pinched his cheek.

About to step out of the portrait, James must’ve accidentally activated a prank because the moment his hand brushed against the portrait, four Muggle stereos floated above his head, blasting break-up songs on the highest volume. It rattled the walls and made their ears bleed.

“Fucking hell!” James shouted, his wand swishing around to stop the music while Y/N stuffed Remus’ rabbit inside her bag and bewitched a silencing spell around it.

“Students are sleeping!” Lily shrieked, rushing down the stairs and charmed away the stereos.

“Oi! You think we don’t know?” James retorted, a hand clutching his ear. “Emmeline…”

“Emmeline?” Lily repeated, shaking her head. “May Merlin himself save the poor girl daft enough to end up with you.”

The only enlightened that took away from the war and recent murders was Emmeline and her friends pranking and wreaking havoc like the Marauders onto James as a punishment.

He deserved it and even James agreed.

“Where are you two headed?” Lily inquired and for the first time since the train ride, she addressed Y/N head-on.

A glimmer of hope.

“Aw, finally starting to care about me, Evans?” James joked although it’s laced with uncertainty.

Y/N cut off Lily before she had the chance to speak, eager to answer her question. “It’s Remus.”

Recognition filtered through her, gaze shooting up to the large grandfather clock beside the bookshelves. Lily’s head bobbed repeatedly, pressing her lips together sympathetically. She considered James for a moment.

“Will you be back in time for lessons?” Lily then whipped her hands around. “Y’know what, forget it. I’ll take notes for… both of you.”

Y/N felt James nudge her foot, simultaneously forcing out a cough. His hand went to scratch behind his neck. “R-right. Erm, I — we appreciate it, Evans, but ugh — we have a free period this morning.”

Lily’s jaw dropped. “Oh. Sorry.”

“NO!” James said a little too loud. “I mean, no. It’s fine. Thank you.”

Y/N pursed her lips, her neck bending as her shoulders tensed while watching their interaction play out. “Alrighty, we should go. Thank you, Petals.” She interjected. Her hands spun James around as they walked out of the common room and to the hospital wing.

Both students groaned out loudly. Black was there, sitting on the ground and back pressed against the wall to the wing.

“He doesn’t want to see you,” James challenged. His feet pivoted to Black, before her hands pressed against his chest, preventing him from touching Black and starting yet another fight. “Leave it.”

His eyes flickered from her to Black. Sighing, he made a slight rearward movement and removed his glasses to rub his eyes.

“Just don’t follow us.”

They walked inside without sparing him another glance.

“Here comes the fucking sun, Moons!” James chirped, his mood altering drastically. But she staggered behind a beat.

Remus was already awake, quietly chatting to Peter. His bed curtains were half drawn and she took his rabbit from her bag, pulling it close to her chest.

His head snapped in their direction, but instead of his eyes landing on James, it went squarely to her. She smiled, eyes analyzing every ripple of expression. He didn’t seem angry. No, not at all, but stunned.

Once James realized she wasn’t by his side anymore, he turned and looped an arm over her shoulder. He whispered, “Moony won’t bite. It’s okay.”

“I wasn’t expecting you.” Remus finally said, smiling.

“Of course I’d come.” Confidence now circulated her body as she approached him, handing over his rabbit. James was delighted at his response while the rabbit nuzzled its way into the crook of Remus’ neck, tickling him. She murmured into his ear, not wanting to peer pressure him by others' wants, “You don’t mind me being here, do you? I’ll leave, no hurt feelings.”

Remus shook his head, petting his rabbit. “No, please stay.” He croaked, voice deep and tired.

“Oi!” James said, albeit quietly.

“Flirt somewhere else,” Peter added with false annoyance.

James nodded. “So, little Moony —”

“Little Moony?” Remus groaned. “What?”

“Aw,” she teased, “Is moody Moony making an appearance?”

“Did you come just to make fun of me?”

But then Peter grinned cheekily, moving to softly slap his hand down on his thigh in the same tempo as Here Comes the Sun. Y/N and James immediately caught on, ready to chagrin while Remus shook his hands in front of his face to get them to stop.

“Don’t you —“

“Here comes the sun, moody Moony —“ “Crikey.”

“Here comes the sun, and we say it’s alright!” They sang, keeping their voices to a minimum to not worsen his potential headache. They had to hold back their laughter as Peter began to replicate the horrible instrumental with his voice. James sang the loudest. “Little Moony, it’s been a long cold moon cycle.”

Madam Pomfrey poked her head from her office, ready to tell the visitors to be quieter than a mouse — or kick them out in favour of Remus’ rest but she froze. Remus was poorly attempting to cover his smile, his cheeks burning a bright red and she hadn’t seen him that happy after full moons. And after what happened last year, his happiness was all she wanted. So she sat back down, smiling to herself at the horrid sing.

“Little Moony, the smiles returning to the faces —”

“Guys!”

“Little Moony, it feels like years since it’s been here.”

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James eventually left, rushing to tryouts with Marlene with a great deal of apprehension. When the bell rang, students rushing down for breakfast, both Y/N and Peter departed momentarily to the Great Hall, grabbing a few snacks and tea Remus requested.

But the moment Peter stepped foot outside the hospital wing, it was as if any sort of energy left his body. He became sluggish, moving slowly and yawned multiple times.

“Pete, go back to him, I’ll get everything,” she implored. “Or get some rest. I can’t imagine staying up all night can be good.”

“It’s —” A yawn. “— Sorry. I’ll be fine.”

She didn’t push. They made their way around fast and exited quickly before a group of seventh and sixth years swarmed Peter. A few even greeted her, attempting to strike a conversation.

Peter sent her a dejected look, passing her the rest of the snacks and teacup.

“I’ll meet you there.”

She rushed back in record time. Black was still sitting outside the wing and she could faintly hear him muttering her name but she disregarded him wholly.

But the sight inside the hospital made her heart shatter.

Remus was haggard, dishevelled and face screwed together in pain. He tried to push himself up multiple times to reach behind his head, to his pillow. But it was futile.

The crinkling of the wrapper in her hand made her wince; it became the loudest object in the world at that moment. It forewarned Remus and she gently padded over. She sat down gently on the edge of his bed, setting down everything on the metal tray.

“Don’t push yourself — here, let me.” Remus visibly reclined into himself, covering his scarred arms with the blanket coiled by his side. But he listened without complaints as she reached behind his head, fluffing his pillow and helped him lay back down gently. “Not feeling too good?”

“Like shit.”

It became awkward fast.

“Um… Peter’s coming. Was held up with a couple of seventh years.” “You can leave if you don’t want to be here,” Remus blurted out, “I won't force you —”

“Woah there!” She felt as if she was slapped by him. The sudden change had her wheeling. “Who said you’re forcing me? You’re my Moony, no?”

He breathed out a chuckle and shifted towards her. She glanced at the tray with a few potions. What he said stuck to her.

“Do you mind if you can pour those into my tea? Thanks.” Remus croaked.

She nodded, unscrewed the cork to the vials and mixed it into the drink. The clinking sound of the spoon tapping against the porcelain cup.

“What is this?”

“Um… a mixture of powder silver and Nightshade,” grumbled Remus, trying to push himself up as she handed him the cup. “Helps with the pain and fogginess.”

Her mind was restless. “Can I ask some questions?”

His eyebrows knitted together. “Questions?”

“Y’know, about being a werewolf.”

He took a giant gulp. “Did you just skip all the Werewolf questions on the OWLs?” Remus laughed.

“I bet half of it’s false.” She admitted truthfully. “Besides, how am I supposed to help next time if I don’t know?”

Remus stayed quiet for a long time after she said that and she wondered if she pushed a boundary. But then he nodded, urging her to continue.

“Okay… so silver doesn’t hurt you, right?” She watched as Remus sip his tea before having to put it down to laugh.

“Myth.”

“So all the silver bullet stuff..?”

He gave a full-body laugh. “Myth. Sorry, not what you were expecting?”

“No,” she admitted after a bit, embarrassed. All those children's stories were false…

“Silver can’t hurt me, I don’t grow hair rapidly. I like eating rare meat; I have trouble sleeping, I don’t have curved fingernails or low-set ears. I can’t run super fast but I can see better in the dark, can hear, smell and am stronger than the average Muggle or Wizard.”

“Can you always smell or hear better? Or does it increase near the full moon?”

“It becomes stronger near the full moon and after for a while.”

“Wait… Does that mean you can smell people. Like me?!” She was appalled and crossed her arms over herself as if the action would suddenly cover any scent.

Remus barked out laughing before wincing as a dull pain shocked through his system. “You smell fine. Don’t worry.”

Her hands found their way to cover her mouth. She was mortified. “You have a way with words, Lupin.”

Remus was on the verge of tears, nearly choking on himself to prevent laughing. He endured the deep bruise on the side of his ribs digging into him but he couldn’t stop.

She slapped his arm playfully and took the now empty teacup from his hand, setting it down on the metal tray and ushered him to slide over in his bed. He doesn’t hesitate.

Y/N slid beside him, and she could feel the fluctuating rise and fall of Remus’ chest as his chuckles came to a slow halt. She took the rabbit from his lap, holding it in her arms carefully.

“Does she have a name?” She questioned, scratching behind its floppy ears. Remus chose the least threatening rabbit.

“No.”

“We should think of one then.”

Remus watched her, listening to the words pouring out. But then he cringed inwardly, reminded of his cruelty to her a couple of months ago. He wasn’t expecting her to visit and it came as a pleasant surprise. It made his heart flutter. She wasn’t scared. She hadn’t been lying that night. He was accepted.

He tuned in to her heartbeat: steady and calm. Slow.

Her words echoed in his head. I feel safe with you.

Safe.

Remus felt a whisper of a smile worm it's way onto him. As soon the realization came, the dull ache in his body subdued, the burning in his throat faded and the hollow ache in his heart filled with a golden glow. Just a bit.

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September 10th, 1976

“I’m sorry,” Black said, his eyes wide and pleading as he sat beside her in the Great Hall. She ignored him.

“I need to explain, please,” Black begged in a hushed voice while she searched the library’s premises for Regulus. She ignored him yet again.

“Tesoro mio,” Black flirted, both sitting in the common room as she added notes in the werewolf section in her textbook. His new tactic caught her off guard but she prevailed, getting up and leaving.

“Talk to me,” Black whined. “Please.” She ignored him, continuing to walk to class calmly and held her head high. She just left the hospital wing and Black was trailing her.

But he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a nearby broom closet and closed the door.

“Get off of me!” She nearly screamed. Thankfully, he was smart enough to keep a healthy distance away. She kept her hands balled into a fist, preventing herself from taking one of the dust brooms and smashing it on his head.

“Sorry! But you won’t talk to me any other way!”

Darkness enclosed them, only the light seeping through the cracks of the old wooden door illuminated Black as every ounce of restrengthen was pushed to the edge.

A flurry of apologies fell from his lips but she wouldn’t have it. Simply looking bored at her nails and tapping her foot against the ground.

“I know you’re mad — you have every right to be! I get that, I understand.”

“Then leave me alone?” She jeered sarcastically, handing grazing the doorknob.

“Wait! Please, just hear me out — let me explain —”

“Explain what?” She lashed out through gritted teeth. “You should count your stars that you don’t have an attempted murder charge.”

Her heart thumped rather fast and would have been distressing had she not been controlled by anger. Everything was overshadowed by a grim penumbra sweeping over them, closing in on her and Black and it wasn’t because of the lack of light in the dingy closet.

She was revolted by him. Sick of seeing his sad face, moping around the hospital wing or looking at her or the other Marauders in yearning.

“Do you think I’ll care about what you want to say?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Apology not accepted, dipshit.”

His head bowed. “I deserved that.” “You think?”

“It’s just that —”

Her temper spiked to the highest level and her hand drifted to her back pocket and grazed the tip of her wand.

“I —”

Something in her snap. “Shut up. Shut up! Stop trying to defend yourself! Stop it! I don’t want to hear it!”

Black was visibly shutting down. “Please, just calm down…”

And then everything poured out.

“Calm down? Calm down?! I gave — I put my trust in you and you immediately ran with it, breaking it twice and then broke everyone else’s! How am I supposed to talk to you like everything’s okay? I get that you don’t like me, that you don’t like Snape, but really? What do you not understand?!”

He was nodding his head, taking it, never once trying to defend himself. His head hung similar to a child being scolded, hands curled around himself.

“You must have never cared for them.”

Black went oddly still. “That's a bold lie and you know that.”

“Do I?” She ridiculed. “Do you want to know the funny part? I was starting to care for you. Apparently, you never did.”

“That’s not true.”

There, a flicker of rage. Finally a reaction other than pathetic regret and guilt. Something cold crept into his eyes, hardening and entirely stormy and silver, reminding her of last year where they constantly fought. But then, it was washed away with a blink.

“I was nothing but a toy to you!”

“Y/N...”

“You. Never. Cared. About —”

“Stop it! Of course I —”

“— Me. Or. The. Other —”

“— fucking cared —”

“— Marauders —” “ — about you!”

Her eyes stung with bitter unshed, frustrated tears and her throat burned, constricting together. Emotions she hadn’t taken a moment to consider hit her within seconds and everything was too overwhelming.

The material of her shirt suddenly turned itchy. Her skin was too tight and she felt herself rock back and forth in a way to calm down.

For a moment, she thought he wouldn’t answer as it fell silent but she struck a nerve.

“Stop saying that!” He shouted. Now not breaking her stare and took a step forward.

“You’re fucking selfish. You betrayed them.” A step forward.

“You only cared about yourself.” Black shook his head. Another step forward.

“If you ever cared about me — about anyone else you’ve hurt — you wouldn’t have done… that.” A step forward.

They were the closest they had been in months. Their breaths were laboured and ragged. Being that close to him raised all the hairs on her neck in a way she used to love but now hated herself for.

The very notion made her nauseous. Disgusted.

She missed him. Truly. It was such a profound hurt and longing that ran deeper than wanting a quick snog or shag. But that was her problem that she was going to have to hide, bury in an air-sealed chest and throw away.

He opened his mouth and he leant forward inappreciably. But whatever words he was about to spew, he stopped himself. She could feel his breath fan her face, both of their chest raised and fell rapidly.

They stayed like that for a while and she held back from crying, feeling her heart pound in her chest.

“Is there anything else you want to say?” He asked dejectedly.

Why did you have to be so stupid? We could’ve… you could’ve had everything.

Do you miss me?

Did you ever care, even a little?

“This time,” her voice was no louder than a rustle, “I mean it. I hate you. Truly.”

Lie.

Black gave her one last glance through heavy, desolate, half-lidded eyes, closing them shut. “Ti voglio bene.”

Her frown doubled, wondering if he mocked her. Why did he always do that?

“At least you’re consistent in one thing.”

She slipped out, her hand on the door and cracked it open, leaving him there.

“Being a fucking liar.”

She slammed the door shut with so much violence that it made a couple of bystanders passing by yelp and stare. The shattering of glass from within the closet echoed and it made her breathless.

She had to lean against the stone wall, her body buzzing and numb from the adrenaline.

Sometimes everything in her life seemed so… random. What if everything could have been avoided? One simple word, maybe if she said something different, or did something different, would the outcome have been better? Or worse?

What if she had two parents? What if she had been raised by a loving mother? Would she have been that hurt by his actions if opening up was less… impossible?

What ifs…

She stumbled her way to class mindlessly, horribly late. The floorboards creaked, cutting Slughorn off while she lurked in the doorway. The teacher’s head, along with everyone else in the room, snapped up.

Lily looked at her worriedly and concern was written in every inch of her face. James had a double-take and became alarmed while Marlene on the other side of the class looked around nervously.

“Sorry I’m late.”

“No worries, m’girl!” Slughorn smiled. “Please, take the seat next to… Severus! Now, I was saying, I have a small tradition I’d like to do every year with my students.”

Y/N didn’t even interject; too drained after what happened and sat by Snape.

“Can anyone tell me what this is?” The professor held up a tiny bottle. “Or can anyone tell me what Felix Felicis is?”

Lily raised her hand, casting a concerned gaze to her before answering. From the corner of her eye, she could see Barty and Avery, along with a few other students whispering to each other as Lily spoke; all of them forcing down a smile. Y/N vaguely sensed herself prickle.

“It’s known as Liquid Luck. As the name suggests, it makes the drinker lucky.”

“Beautiful answer! Quite right! Ten points for Gryffindor! Now, whoever brews the Draught of Living Death the closest will win this prize at the end of this lesson. Off you go!”

The class was scurrying off quickly while she made her way around leisurely. Snape’s sopophorous bean had been hitting her multiple times.

“Would you fucking —” she grabbed the bean with her hands and threw it at Snape and he hissed at. “Just take your knife blade and squeeze it down on the side with your dagger.”

Snape scoffed. “That’s not going to work you d —”

Snape shut up immediately as she crushed the bean with a sharp knife and flicked the juice into the cauldron.

“Now stop hitting me or I’ll pour your potion on the ground.”

Snape’s attention wasn’t on her, instead of trying to decipher her scribbles before taking her book away from his eyesight. She hit him with her book.

She completed the rest of the potion with ease. Snape was nearly done with his potion, she could tell he was on the right path before Slughorn sauntered around the classroom to observe the students. At James’ cauldron, he made no comment but instead helped stir his potion. Lily was given an approving nod, announcing to the class that she earned Gryffindor a few house points until making his way over to their table, peering into the cauldrons. At Snape’s concoction, he gave a bright smile and opened his mouth until he saw hers and a look of pure delight spread over him, his hands clapping together.

“Oho! Excellent! Miss L/N has done it! We have our winner!”

A small round of claps went around meanwhile James and Marlene cheered loudly, effectively embarrassing her.

“Show off,” Snape sneered. She ignored him.

Once the bell rang, Slughorn called her over to collect her vial of Liquid Luck. She slipped the bottle into her pocket for safekeeping.

But before she left, she stopped and spun around. “Professor Slughorn?”

“Yes?”

“I read in my Advanced Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts textbook, but I found that there’s no Potion to help Werewolves. I was wondering if that’s still true? I know books can be outdated.”

Slughorn gave her a pensive look. “I think that’s a matter for Madam Pomfrey. Is there a reason why?”

“It’s just —” She made up a lie quickly. “I’m nervous about NEWTs and how I’ll do in my studies and it’s merely an interest.”

“Oh, my girl! You are excellent. By far one of the best students I’ve ever had. You don’t need to worry!” Slughorn cheered. Slughorn seemed genuine and she smiled at the praise. “And for your question, no. Sadly there isn’t.”

“At all?”

Slughorn thought for a while. “If I recall, there have been recent developments with stewed Mandrakes. It’s rumoured to help lycanthrope individuals ease their way back into the original human state.”

Y/N stored the newfound information in her head. She thanked him, turning to leave until calling out again. Slughorn twirled his head.

“I was wondering if I could practice more — like I said, I‘m nervous about my NEWTs.”

There wasn’t even a delay and Slughorn beamed. “Of course! As long as you clean up after yourself, you may come and go as you please. I’ll make sure to leave the doors open until curfew.

“Oh! I’m planning to host another Slugclub dinner soon, I expect you to be there?”

“... Of course, sir.”

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【 Next Chapter 】

Translations:

Tesoro mio = My treasure or 'honey'

Ti voglio bene = 'I love you' but its not like what you think. It's more of an unconditional and selfless love that means 'I want you to be well.' It places an emphasis on the tender and affectionate feelings you have for the other person. It's the safer option to say to your significant other if it's a very new relationship.

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