#like i think i listed 3 lines from gigi the christmas snake alone

[olliedollie1204]

a running list of my favorite chris fleming jokes

“This guy has a girlfriend?” Yeah, we met on Waze.

Three years ago, a 15 year old girl wanted to seem more mature, so she got into coffee. Three years later, that girl is Bernie Sanders!

What’s happening to me? I used to have dreams and hopes and ambitions, and now look at me! I’m at a poolside bar and I couldn’t name a book if I had to!

If I see a baby in the audience, I swear to God I’m taking that baby on my Delta Airlines flight home and I’m raising it as my own.

“You’re tall, do you vape like Gigi?” ... What did you say to me?

The smile of a father with three sons, all of whom snowboard, is so confrontational, it reads as indecent exposure.

For somebody who believes that musicals are ‘kinda gay’, you’re behaving a lot like the kind of guy that Rodgers and Hammerstein would dream up while 69-ing on a piano.

“This tiny shack might seem like a waste of everybody’s time, but we were blown away at what we found inside: an Irish stepdancing competition!” What? There aren’t even cars in the driveway!

“Can I have a ride?” What about your motorcycle license? “This pig isn’t street legal, you C-section! What do you think we are, Italy?”

Are all y’all still talking to me?

Every time I see a guy with his son, I’m like, “Ew, what are you guys, an improv group?”

Everybody, strike a pose that you’d be comfortable seen in for the next 2,000 years, because this is Pompeii 2014!

In the words of Mark Twain’s wife, Shania Twain, that don’t impress me much.

The legal coffee age should be 21. Otherwise, you just get teens who drink coffee, struttin’ around like they’re Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

“We shouldn’t ever scream or whine/ Gigi voted for Jill Stein!” Okay, why is that... known?

He talks with his eyes closed for so long/ You think I have time to run a quick errand without him noticing?

“I don’t care that we’re at Bertucci’s, Betsy!” (Except I’ll be middle aged so I won’t have any handle on proper nouns.) *rewind noises* “I don’t care that we’re at Terbucci’s, Betsy!”

If your Greg wears a baggy dress shirt and takes you to the Olive Garden immediately after Paint Nite, chances of conceiving a homophobic baby go up by 400%!

Do community acrobatics/ In a very public setting/ Blocking foot traffic access/ To a child’s birthday party!

If people don’t comment ‘Dad Goals’/ I’m gonna fucking lose it.

“The real reason I have you watch Judge Judy with me everyday is for the support. I was briefly married to Judy in the 40s-” That can’t be true. “-And then she left me to wear the robe.”

You know how they say a sneeze is 1/16th of an orgasm? I just sneezed 16 times.

She’s hittin’ her head all over your thighs, and you have to stifle your agony, because she’s small, so she’s unaware of all the damage that she’s capable of doing. Not dissimilar from Lenny.