#like i mean if she managed to end up in serbia she might as well end up in lochdubh x)

[notonlymice]

Nadia x Hamish gifs

[gaymer-hag-stan]

Thoughts on the Semi Final 1 rehearsals roundup

1. Norway 🇳🇴 - I like the staging more than her national finals but I don't like the outfit, at all. I also think she looks so much prettier with her hair down and I also don't like her serious™ vibe as much. She looked so much happier and energetic in her national final. Her vocals are very much on point though and although it may feel like I'm going at her too hard, I still very much like Queen of Kings, I just feel like any momentum she has when she won her national final is slowly dying down.

2. Malta 🇲🇹 - I genuinely really like this song and I don't know why most of Europe seems to not?? They are really fun and energetic on stage and I feel like their staging is also very good so I hope they get a miracle qualification. This would be a sure qualifier if it was on semi 2, which is such a shame. I'm so mad I can't vote for this semi to attempt to save them 🤣

3. Serbia 🇷🇸 - Nothing more to add to my original critic. He's very much bringing it.

4. Latvia 🇱🇻 - I like that, I feel like they have a lot of energy for such a "static" song but it doesn't come off weird or out place. I don't think they'll make it but I still appreciate their efforts.

5. Portugal 🇵🇹 - Okay, I wasn't as convinced as some of y'all were about Mimicat. I like the song, it's an okay song, nothing groundbreaking, but I wasn't sold on her performances, either in Festival da Cançao (am I spelling this right?) or the preparties. Well now I am 😂 she really is shining on that stage. Definitely my biggest surprise and now I feel like she's definitely going through to the Final!

6. Ireland 🇮🇪 - I mean it's okay. I like the song and there is some effort being put on the staging but yeah I think Ireland is officially going for the longest streak of non qualifications, if they haven't already owned that shit lol. I do need to talk about that golden catsuit that's giving us a lot of bulge and chest and arms and ass. Why 😂 normally I wouldn't complain... If it was worn for a different performance. I don't see sexiness fitting in a song about unity and acceptance 🤣 I mean ok maybe he's not doing it on purpose, he just has a nice body but then maybe not wear an outfit so tight, I mean literally everybody was talking about his dick after the first pics and the snippet dropped the other day, he must have seen those comments 🤣

7. Croatia 🇭🇷 - Okay, they sound a lot better than previous performances and they look outrageous. That's it. They're definitely going through but I feel like they might tank a bit more than people expect in the final. Still, they know how to put on a damn show

8. Switzerland 🇨🇭 - I like the song and I think it'll pass but I can't help but feel it's taking up a spot in the finals (Malta'sspecifically) it's not a bad song obviously but it's not super exciting either. I do appreciate Switzerland staging their ballad better this year after last year's disaster! This is what I mean "taking up space" and I feel like Switzerland is about to do it again after taking Albania out of the final last year only to get ZERO televote points in the end. Although last year it was the juries' fault so if it happens again this year then it will be your fault 🤣

9. Israel 🇮🇱 - I feel like Noa might end up doing even better than expected in the final. She is of course definitely qualifying. There's way too much kicking in the dance break so at first glance it looks a bit overdone but the more I think about it, if she's supposed to be a unicorn then Kung Fu horse-kicking kind of fits 🤣 overall, I'm not sure if this will be a Chanel level dance break, but she manages to "fix" her song's worst part. The song itself is extremely weak, both music and lyrics-wise, but she makes it work. She's easily the most gorgeous contestant this year, along with Brunette but she's not just a pretty face, she has charisma and stage presence and, unlike Alessandra, I actually enjoy her looking angry and fierce on stage, it somehow works better. The Unicorn hand sign is still cringe cringe though, this is the one part of her choreography that looks juvenile so far.

10. Moldova 🇲🇩 - Pasha knows how to work a stage alright! And they've done a great staging overall this year too. The costumes in particular are amazing. The pagan vibes are possibly even stronger than Fulenn's last year (I will never forget it's massacre!) but the staging, admittedly, looks a lot more cohesive, even with a lot more outrageous stuff going on on stage.

11. Sweden 🇸🇪 - Okaaay... I'm gonna say something I've been feeling ever since Melodifestivalen and have now confirmed with the new setup. Loreen's staging is goofy as fuck. She looks amazing herself, but the whole led sandwich thing is very goofy and now that it's smaller it looks even worse and her choreography of basically just flexing her nails north, south, east and west is... Goofy 🤣 I've seen a lot of people saying that the song itself is nothing special and that it only works thanks to the staging but tell me honestly, would that staging work if it wasn't Loreen? Would it get as much hype? Would it be projected to win the whole thing? I think not. She's obviously still gonna do well but, honestly, I'm not so sure about a win anymore.

12. Azerbaijan 🇦🇿 - They look so wholesome so it's hard for me to say anything bad about them but this staging is so lazy. I hope they at least have fun performing.

13. Czechia 🇨🇿 - I've been through a whole JOURNEY with Czechia this year. When it was first announced at their finals I was like yeah no. But in the last few months of listening to the song I absolutely fell in love with it. Then I got a bit scared by their previous rehearsal previews because I felt like it looked too simplistic but the GIRLS HAVE BROUGHT ITT. Theirs was the most satisfying to watch out of my favourites' because they just reassured me that they're gonna slay.

14. Netherlands 🇳🇱 - No girlies this is boring. Sorry. I appreciate that they're also trying to make their ballad feel less static and more interesting on stage with the spinning platform and all, but I feel like their vocals are not that great. They sound a bit like that song wasn't tailored to their own vocal capabilities and now they're trying to play catch up with whoever was supposed to sing it. I also thought their solo camera angles were off? Like Dion's closeup is much further than Mia's who's literally right in front of the camera and not centered properly too like 😬 I really like their outfits though, Mia's in particular. A few bonus points for that, but I don't think they'll make it. If only one of the slow songs is going in then I think Remo Forrer has both them and Sudden Lights outmatched.

15. Finland 🇫🇮 - I mean yeah, that still looks great. The box, Käärijä's performance, even the dances, for those few seconds we saw them when they burst out of their box had those perfectly crazy expressions. Europe is gonna eat him up, and I don't think this is just internet hype, which happens very often; some acts are hyped to death online and then they flop because their apparent fans never bothered to vote. This is not the case here. He's a showman.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Croatia brings no men in a hamster wheel to Rotterdam 2021

Now could this be the teddy bear uprising invasion Muse has warned us about 12 years ago?

And LITERALLY, these review series make me feel like Croatia is openly taunting me - I watch the days go, I’m losing track of time, and when another day comes, I’m screaming “oh no I forgot to publish a review sooner than wanted!!”. Guess I’m for one glad there’s a time related song this year, hum?

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Repping the Adriatic coast nation that got all the sea instead of Bosnia & Herzegovina is some 22 year old Albina Grčić, who first popped up on X Factor Adria back when that was a thing, and got lumped into a girlgroup in later stages, but to that she said “hvala ne” and moved on with her life, getting eliminated just like that. Queen <3 She did get her second chance to compete as a soloist and make a more prominent mark on her career when she ended up on The Voice in Croatia. She did well, placing third overall in the season, but somehow, during the duel stage, her coach initially favoured her fellow Dora 2021 contestant Filip Rudan:

Her Voice success landed her a record deal with the Croatian division of Universal Music, she released a debut single, sometime later ended up on Dora, and here she is now, on Eurovision.

“Tick-Tock” is the song, a standard upbeat pop song, and one of the ones that talks about a girl leaving a terrible relationship and being so well over it that she “found [her]self and [she’s] finally free”, and the “tick-tock” here is used to represent the time passing by, not the sound of her heart, unlike a fellow ESC entry of a similar title. The tune (or its lyrics only) is co-authored by some dude you might’ve heard of from France’s 2018 preselection Destination Eurovision, and that is Max Cinnamon - some half-English guy with a half English song about love (”Ailleurs”) that did moderately averagely in the final... I don’t even know if his influence shows, I just love how 2021 has sort of become revenge of the NF flops but they’re writing other entries instead (Suzi P, “Adrenalina”).

REVIEW

I often don’t really fully vibe with female bops in Eurovision as much as I want to, like, for the most part they’re overhyped, and I let the “yass queeeeen” audience gorge on the everything their favourite bops give them. But this year there are plenty of great ones to choose from, as I think that it’s safe to say that most, if not all, are tucked in somewhere inside my top 20, top 25 at the very minimum. Croatia managed to even do the impossible and land into my top 10.

Why?

Well, the answer is that the song is just so damn good.

I mean, what’s NOT to like about it? It’s a catchy and upbeat song that incorporates xylophones (or whatever is it that sounds like them), guitars and synths; has a good bassline in the chorus; and it’s just... a very good composition overall, like, all the instruments in it are just in their right place and uplift the song massively. I also like Albina’s performance on it, both live and studio, it clearly shows that she’s a very good singer (also shown on her cover of the scandalous Oscar award snubbery “Husavik”). Sounds like a song a common pop loving Eurofan could gear themselves towards. Besides, it also has possibly my favourite pre-chorus section of the 2021 year? Oh wait, there’s also Switzerland, scratch that. “Tick-Tock” has one of my favourite pre-chorus sections of 2021. It builds up so well instrumentally and the way Albina sings it is even better. I obviously like to believe Albina heard those voices from far away that helped her to escape, has found herself, and she’s finally free from her “partner’s” bad lovin’ and restraint. Yas queen go be free you didn’t deserve his tomfoolery anyway!  👏 (Also I admire a section that’s not quite the pre-chorus but is still before the 1st chorus, the one that goes “If you pull me down then I'll come around” - literally just a lot of the parts of the song are full of nice vocal performance and I don’t regret ranking this in my top 10 not a second.)

If it has any drawbacks, it’s just that it gets a tad too repetitive after the halfway mark... like, the pre-chorus before the second chorus is the one to be repeated once again, and no new verse, nothing - but it does launch itself into something extraordinary, and that is a chorus in Croatian, which I assume she would perform in Eurovision because there’s no Eurovision version on the song promo bundle, I suppose. Comparatively the Croatian chorus is not as complex in lyrics as the English language one, and flows slightly differently too. But the song still has a long chorus by the end, and song with too many choruses is never a good sign for those that look for a song that’s constructed well, but I guess it’s a good factor for those that value the song’s catchiness. I guess that’s what one of the two Eurovision 2005 hosts valued the most when writing the Ukrainian 2006 entry “Show Me Your Love”, which if you ask me, is straight up 75% chorus, lol.

So yeah my verdict is that almost everything about this song, I like. I’m just a little devastated that in a usually very easily gorged on category of female bops, this just tends to lag behind in love, like a fellow song I really like this year, Israel. Instead people tend to prioritize Cyprus (which I get because they’ve established themselves as a girlbanger nation since Fuego swept Eurovision) and... probably even Azerbaijan? (which I might also get because Eurovision rarely has this thing called an ethnobop anymore, and it has more ethno than “Cleopatra” did, but still unnecessarily underwhelming lol.) Well then, in a year of female bangers, I would just like Croatia to not be swept under the rug come semis I guess. Yeah “Tick-Tock” may not sound like it brings something totally never seen before in a Eurovision environment (foreign language lyrics, themes about a break up, hell even her dancers looked like they were wearing the same hats as Tamta’s dancers), but you got to have a lot in you to sell a worn out idea to the new heights, and Albina does exactly that in my eyes.

Approval factor: Yeah! There is a lot of it in here for me. Follow-up factor: A great follow-up, not so great in regards to panini but musically it’s just going up and up from what we had in the past few years. I’ve actually not minded “The Dream” for the most part but I knew it was a chanceless plodding ballad and Roko harboured heaps of wasted potential working with Jacques Houdek and having wings as part of his performance, uff. *_* And then there’s “Divlji vjetre” which I also like a lot - a much better male ballad winner choice! If the Dora re-up winners keep being decent imo just like this, I have a feeling I will follow it a lot more often than I did just this one time this year. I am just saying that panini-wise, it was a sucky move from HRT for not allowing their last year’s winner promote his new song with Tijana (from Serbia 2017) on the Dora night, so we sadly only heard a pre-recorded opening version of “Divlji vjetre” to start off with :( Otherwise I think it’s not Dora’s fault in itself that Damir himself chose not to even submit an entry this year because he hadn’t found a good one - much like with Diodato for Sanremo (he was NOT rejected, if you think he still was, shush). But aside that, musically, it just keeps going up for me. Well done Croatia, for you’ve used to be a Eurovision country I don’t necessarily care about, that you brought two pretty damn good entries in a row. Qualification factor: I can absolutely trust in Albina bringing in a little bit of her charisma and well-likedness, and on top of that, a great vocal performance, in Rotterdam. Don’t ask me why, I just do. She doesn’t really perform her song live on pre-parties as much as I’d like to hope she would, but you heard girlie on the national selection, she didn’t win for nothing. Yeah yeah there might as well be female uptempo songs hungrier for the last spot, but I’d like to think Albina is one of the ones ready to devour than to be devoured. Go girl! Take us all dancing!

NF CORNER

To be honest with you, “Tick-Tock” winning Dora caught me by surprise. Ever since its re-up, the last two editions were kind of won by male ballads, and maaaaybe the dancey females were doing moderately well enough for themselves, but not overall? But look, juries were very keen on Albina, probably because she can SANG and she creates one hell of a fancy presence on her performance. And somehow she ended up snatching a win out of the hands of 5G conspiracy theorist 2016 representative Nina Kraljić, who was at first too drunk to care, but too unexpectedly sober to yell all over the soc. media how she was robbed and how the contest was rigged against her with her being on first and all that. Which is a shame that she is one of THOSE people, because her NF entry “Rijeka” is kinda nice? We did have the Balkan-esque ballads coming from Croatia in recent memory, but we haven’t had a truly proudly folksy one at that from Croatia for a long while, if not ever. Nina could’ve very well brought that to Rotterdam (and another mismatched wardrobe choice oops). But instead she was the one screaming “oh no, oh no, oh no”.

Actually I regarded Nina as one of my faves pre-show, and Albina was on her way, though she didn’t really cement the personal fav status until after all performances, thus making Nina and Albina switch spots for me. But truly, the one song that was my top favourite, iiiiiiiiiiis

GIMME AN OCEAN! OF LOVE!

2021 made me realize that damn, maybe anything that’s funky is my favourite music genre afterall. Up until then I vibed with entries like “Tonight Again” and “What’s the Pressure?” that had this sort of energetic flair and very rhythmic kinda sound to it, but 2021 just simply cemented it to me that my music world has probably been about nice and smooth and funky all along. I owe so much gratitude to ToMa first and foremost along the lines of more to have come in this year’s lineups - I just can’t not want to dance to “Ocean of Love”, and ToMa is quite alright at selling it live as well. There are small gripes with some instrument usages but that doesn’t detract from the fact that I love love LOVE funky guitar tunes.

Aside from that, I can give shout outs to Beta Sudar, whose song not only was underrated, but also had an underrated meme format throughout its performance:

My other props go to Bernarda, who not only competed in a national selection singing a song about seeing “Colors” while blind (and ironically there was a song called “Blind” in that same NF sung by a well-seeing guy!!), but also for finally putting this every country’s reject to rest. Seriously. That particular song was passed on to everyone in need of a competitive Eurovision bop, from Poli Genova to Helena Paparizou as of recently. Oh well, at least the song died a honourable death - well performed slice of good typical Eurovision pop (maybe even overperformed a little towards the end), that got a good rank with the regional juries, but somewhat murdered in televote, fellow Boris Milanov composition “Chameleon” style.

This one Mia Negovetić chick was promising too! Her song was written by the Debs and you might be tired of them trying to continue infiltrating Eurovision at this point, but a lot of their Eurovision songs are usually something I enjoy, “She’s Like a Dream” is no exception. Nothing but 3 minutes of pastel-dressed Croatian Ariana Grande doing what she does best <3

Oh and also some dudes tried to play chess on stage too I guess. But their song is not worth looking into, because one of the acts on it is apparently also a conspiracist, and maybe because oft this their entry is aptly titled “Sing, for the freedom has arrived!” lol I wonder what exactly is the kind of freedom you’re thinking of my guy

Was this the “better mood game” Laura was warning everyone about? Beats me

NF CORNER (NON-COMPETITIVE)

• It’s still hilarious to me as to how one of the acts this year, Brigita Vuco, was planning to bring in backing dancers, only for them to show a fake COVID test or something and outright BARRED from coming with her on stage. <3 Whatever she intended to do with them dancers, I have absolutely no idea, but at least she committed to her song being about drunken nights visually by having all these blurry shots

• Nina Kraljić’s greenroom shenanigans, from the “1-2-3, 1-2-3, drink” to numb the sadness over some results (and the 8 she got from the region Rijeka for the song “Rijeka” lmao), to whatever she saw on the phone that made her smile or go neutral

• Greenroom reactions in general. I swear, this year had cameramen in every single corner everywhere just to make sure something covers up for a human audience instead of severals of Zoom screens permitted to act as an audience. Random people in greenrooms were doing some sort of emotions after random acts, and also randomly they ended up pointing a camera towards an act that lost, but the act didn’t treat losing as if it were such a big deal <3

• All the other memes the Croatian Twitter might’ve noticed me for:

seriously Bernarda was locked in a bluelight mathematical dice contraption. how fucking cool is that

ANY LAST WORDS?

I just fucking hope that Albina shatters any doubts that people have had about her song come rehearsals, and somehow Croatia AND Israel slip through, because never too many female bangers I appreciate in the final, if they all are the bangers I appreciate, lol.

[rorydakota]

Cat back with a new muse and FC. I bring you Lorelai “Rory” Dakota Baudelaire (yes, like the Baudelaire children only I promise her life has less unfortunate events). She’s slightly based off an old muse of mine; but pretty much only two or three things are the same. Otherwise, she’s completely new, which means I’ve not fully developed her yet. I’ve also never played a Dominique Provost-Chalkley FC before; so please be patient with me while I figure out her gifs. Below the cut, you can read a bit about Rory. And like always, don’t hesitate to hit me up for plotting/connections. She could really use them.

[ dominique provost-chalkley, twenty four, cisfemale, she/her ] ━ hey, I just saw [ lorelai “rory” dakota baudelaire ] walking down the streets of crownsville. they’ve lived in town for [ six months ], and you can catch them around town working as a [ travel blogger/activist ]. I hear they’re known to be [ sincere & clever ] and [ naive & reserved ]. if asked, they would say their aesthetic would be [ stacks of old books, elaborate bedtime stories, passport stamps, celebrating deaf culture, fairylights and flower crowns, a warm cup of tea ]. 

History (TW: Chronic Illness, Ableism)

With a name like Baudelaire, one would think the family to be cursed or something; but in actuality, the Baudelaires are a pretty normal upper class family of old French money from Bristol, England. 

Okay, maybe there were a few unfortunate events throughout the years; and most of them seemed to affect the youngest.

Born Lorelai Dakota, Rory is the seventh and final child of Arthur Baudelaire (a cardiothoracic surgeon) and his wife Naomi (a journalist). She was born on September 25th.

At birth, it was discovered that Rory was completely deaf, news that was difficult at first for her parents; but her parents learned that was the lesser of their problems once their daughter was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot.

At only a month old, she underwent her first heart surgery to repair part of defects. Her second heart surgery was performed shortly after her first birthday. This was to fully repair the defects; and while both surgeries were successful, she’d grow up having to be monitored to ensure no complications appeared.

She underwent a third heart surgery at the age of five and a half to fix some lingering issues from the first surgery. It was around the time of this surgery that her parents bought her a stuffed monkey who she named ‘Sunny’. She still sleeps with this monkey every night.

Growing up, her parents were very protective of her, not wanting her to strain herself or her heart too much. She wasn’t allowed to play sports or do anything else too risky. This led young Rory to discover her passion for books and storytelling.

The Baudelaire’s had a library in their home; and that’s where Rory spent most of her childhood days when she wasn’t at school, at a doctor’s appointment, or at a friend’s house.

She preferred the solace of the library. The characters in the books she read never made fun of her speech troubles/lisp or her deaf accent. They just existed and allowed her to live in peace, unlike many of the kids at school who often mocked her (and some of her siblings even mocked her from time to time just to fit in).

Being mocked so much led Rory to leave public school by the age of 11 when her parents enrolled her in a school for the deaf. She thrived there, making friends with many of the other students and become a star in the eyes of her teachers.

One of the things she loved most about books were the many vast worlds she got to explore from the comfort of her home. It made her want to travel the world, visit all the wonderful places she read about.

But travelling outside the British Isles was tough due to her parents’ protective nature. While her family went on a few holidays to countries like France, The Netherlands, Denmark, and Germany,  it wasn’t until she was in university that she was really given the chance to find adventure.

She was fortunate enough to study abroad in Greece for half a year (which her Percy Jackson loving self fangirled over mythology the whole time). It was later blogging about that trip that led her to her current career path.

After coming back from Greece, she began a blog called ‘Diary of a Deaf Adventurer’ which talked about the struggles of being deaf while travelling abroad and facing multiple language barriers.

 Her blog caught the eye of one of her professors; and he showed it to a friend of his who ultimately ended up wanting to sponsor it. He offered to pay for Rory to travel and blog about her experiences, highlighting the difficulties of traveling with a disability and potential solutions for improving the issues faced. 

After she graduated from university with degrees in linguistics, modern languages/cultures, English, and comparative literature, she began travelling (much against the wishes of her parents who worried it’d be too much for her heart). She’s spent the last few years visiting different countries throughout Europe, Asia, and South America. It wasn’t until a few months ago she found herself stateside for the first time.

Initially, her plan was to travel around the USA for a year while also learning ASL. However, she fell in love with the smalltown of Crownsville, GA and decided she wanted to spent a year in the town while taking a break from the constant travel.

She’s been in town for roughly six months now; and honestly, she can’t picture herself leaving any time soon. It’s started to feel like home away from home. She knows she’s got another six months before she leaves; but she’s hoping something will happen that’ll keep her in town just a bit longer.

Likes: Books; Fairylights; Linguistics; Tea; Honey; Wildflowers; Succulents; Libraries; Scrapbooks; Zero Waste; Greek Mythology 

Dislikes: Ableism; Confrontation; Prejudice; Twilight; Cochlear Implants; Plastic; Pity; Slurs

Miscellaneous

She was named ‘Lorelai’ due to her parents simply loving the name; though her middle name of ‘Dakota’ came from a close friend of her mother’s who had passed just before Rory was born.

She got her first pair of hearing aids at the age of 18 months. They were green BTE aids with a glittery clear ear mold. She never changed the style, always opting for green hearing aids when possible. Currently, her hearing aids are silver with a light green glittery ear mold.

She’s never had an interest in getting cochlear implants. As much as her parents tried to push them on her, she’s always declined. She’s fine with her hearing aids, despite knowing a CI might give her slightly more hearing. She doesn’t really want that. She’d rather embrace her deafness given it’s a big part of who she is.

She is a beegan (vegan that eats honey) and has been since she was around 7 years of age. She tried full on veganism for a year in her teens; but she missed honey in her tea too much. If it wasn’t for honey, she’d be fine being a vegan. She’s against eating animals, doesn’t like eggs; and she’s allergic to dairy.

She can best be described as ‘looks like a cinnamon roll and is actually a cinnamon roll’. She’s about as intimidating as a teacup poodle. She’s the type of person who will catch and release a spider instead of squashing it.

She’s gone through over ten years of speech therapy; and while she’s gotten to the point most people can understand what she says more often than not, she was never fully able to get rid of her lisp or the slight monotone tone to her voice. 

Whenever she’s lipreading, her responses are always delayed as she has to take a few moments to process what she was able to read and put together what she missed (she tends to only capture about 40% of what she tries to lipread).

She has a deep fear of dogs that stems from being attacked and bitten by a dog when she was six years old. The attack required multiple stitches; and she’s just had an issue being around dogs ever since.

Her not-so-guilty pleasure is watching episodes of the animated Madeline series when she’s sick or upset. It was her favorite show as a child; and it still has the ability to make her smile.

She collects mugs. Given she’s an avid tea drinker, she’s developed quite the collection of mugs over the years. Her favorites are her Doctor Who TARDIS mug, her L-O-V-E in BSL mug, and her CHD warrior heartbeat mug.

She tries to live as zero waste as possible; so she is known for carrying a reusable orange water bottle wherever she goes as well as for having a reusable metal straw in her bag. She’s also notorious for using canvas totes.

So far, she’s managed to travel to the following places: UK, Ireland, The Netherlands, Denmark, France, Germany, Switzerland, Greece, Italy, Croatia, Serbia, Portugal, Turkey, India, Brazil, Argentina, Costa Rica, USA. 

Some of the places she’d still like to cross off her list of places travelled include: Romania, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Egypt, Morocco, Malta, Israel, Vietnam, Madagascar, and Nigeria (though she’d honestly be excited to travel anywhere). 

Wanted Connections

Older Sibling(s) ━ Rory is the youngest of seven; so it would be nice for one or more of her siblings to end up in Crownsville now that she’s settled into the small town. I picture her having two older sisters and four older brothers. Their names and ages are ultimately utp; though I picture their age range being between 27-39 and I do have name suggestions. The only one whose name isn’t negotiable is Rory’s brother Wolfgang “Wolf”. I have a lot planned for how their relationship was growing up; and I’d love to see him brought to Crownsville the most. OPEN (1/6)

First Friend in Crownsville  ━ This is very straightforward. This connection is for the very first person Rory met in Crownsville and befriended. OPEN (0/1)

Roommate  ━  Rory found herself an apartment shortly after deciding to stay in Crownsville for an extended period of time. She found a roommate initially; but things didn’t quite work out. She needs a new roommate to split the rent with as well as someone to become a close friend. OPEN (0/1)

Ride or Die Bestie  ━ This person has become Rory’s #1 best friend in Crownsville. She feels like she can go to them about anything; and they will always be there for her. They’re the one person she can truly rely on and loves more like family than a friend. TAKEN (1/1)

Future Love Interest ━ Rory is demisexual and has never been in any sort of romantic relationship before. She’s never had the interest. This connection would be for the individual who makes her feel romantic chemistry with someone for the first time. It would be a slow burn relationship. TAKEN (1/1) *I am up for discussing this plot; but I would prefer to see if the chemistry is there before solidifying the connection.*

Doctors  ━ Given Rory’s heart condition, this connection would be for any of the doctors who help treat her while she’s staying in Crownsville. OPEN (0/3)

General Friends; Close Friends; Frienemies; Neighbors, etc.

More to come...

Click here for Rory’s stats page.

[eurosong]

2018 vs 2019: Semi-final 1

Hey there, folks! Every year after the national final season is over, one of the first things I write about Eurovision is a comparison of the new year’s songs with those of the previous year. Often it gets folk unfollowing the blog even though it’s almost entirely posts about ESC statistics and only a relatively small amount on rating the songs here. These are just my thoughts and no offence intended to anyone who thinks otherwise. Without further ado, click below to take a look at my thoughts on semi-final one!

◯ Australia – 2019 – Last year, Oz sent “We got love” (or “We got l’œuf” as I renamed it), which was a dizzying collection of clichés, got a mediocre placement and might well have been the impetus for them finally biting the bullet and getting the punters involved in the thitherto long mooted national final. This decision might not benefit their chances of keeping up their qualification record in the long run – but it means, for once, that Australia can move outside a narrow box musically and send things that would never be picked by internal selectors. “Zero gravity” was a less astute choice than “2000 & Whatever” would have been, I feel – it sounds to be like something that people think is so Eurovision who haven’t seen it in some time. Nonetheless, homegirl has pipes, the tune is quite catchy and it’s a hell of a lot more interesting than last year’s song.

◯ Belarus – 2018 – whilst I’ll be talking about 2018 vs 2019, I have to take a quick detour almost right away to 2017. It was the first time that Belarus managed to sustain my interest and get into my personal top 10 since their début, and they did so by going authentic and finally showing some love for their national language on the ESC stage. One year later, and I certainly wasn’t enthused by a carpetbagging victory of a non-local singing a rather ordinary song in English or some approximation thereof.

And yet, “Forever” and its earnest performer grew on me, especially the strange dissonance between the hopeful lyrics and the very melancholy music. After a similar number of repeated listens, “Like it” has not sparked even the briefest flame. Musically, this starts off with an inoffensive if very 2005 Spanish guitar riff, arrives at a decent-ish bridge and then throws itself off it head first into an absolutely dreadful thumping, repetitive chorus which is reprised way too much in the rest of the song. Lyrically, they put about as much effort into the words as they did into the “screensaver with default font” they were using as a background as Zena performed. She repeats “yes, you’re gunna like it” 40 times in the space of 3 minutes – one every 4.5 seconds. Maybe she’s trying to psychologically condition us, but no, Zena, I ent gunna like it at all. In a delicious bit of irony, it’s also at time of writing the least “liked” ESC ’19 song on Youtube. Strong preference to 2018.

◯ Belgium – 2019 – It can be difficult for a country to come back after a peak moment for them with something equally good that also manages to win over the fans and juries. We’ve seen it in Latvia after ���Love injected”, in Estonia after “Goodbye to yesterday” and I think we’re seeing it once again with Belgium after “City lights”. Neither this year’s song nor last’s comes anywhere near the anthemic, emotional power of Blanche’s song. Both are nice enough, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Eliot struggled much as Sennek did last year. I give it a slight preference, but both songs are really let down, I feel, by choruses that don’t pay off the drama built in the verses.

◯ Cyprus – Neither – I try to limit myself to as few “neither” choices as possible in these games because the fun is in having to choose, sometimes, between two difficult options. Nonetheless, I abhorred “Fuego” in every conceivable way and this aptly-named “replay” offers little different to those who weren’t fans of it. If I had to pick, I’d go with 2018, because at least it doesn’t have the sadness of attempting to catch lightning twice in the same jar attached to it.

◯ Czechia – 2019 – Two years, two rather uncomfortable entries from the Czechs in a row. Last year, we had a predatory “Blurred lines” light, while this year, whilst less lyrically degrading, still has weird lines about eavesdropping on people having sex through the walls(?)… but it’s enough to secure a slight preference.

◯ Estonia – 2018 – It seems like such a long time has passed since the days when I consistently found Eesti Beesti, since those days when Eesti Laul seemed experimental and had a decent number of songs in their native language. I’m no fan of popera, but at least Elina was a local talent. It’s bewildering when a country with so many great artists can’t find someone with any real association with it to sing for them. Though both are ultimately derivative, I prefer La forza to what is essentially an aviici b-side.

◯ Finland– 2018 – I have a pet peeve for national finals where you are presented with a single choice of artist. Unless said artist is very versatile (say, Frances Ruffelle, who took on dark pop, ballads and gospel-tinged anthems in her solo national final back in 1994), you are restricted to a narrow set of genres. If you don’t like that artist or their style, then you’re shit out of luck. That’s been the case for the last few years with Saara Aalto and now Darude. I didn’t really like ány of either’s songs and miss the days of a diverse choice in UMK. I pick Saara because her throwback was slightly more tolerable.

◯ Georgia– 2018 – Fair play to Georgia, who always dance to the beat of their very own peculiar drummer. You’d think that the shift to the X Factor format to pick their representative, combined with the cold reception for their “ethno-jazz” last year, would have led to them playing it safe to try to avoid three DNQs in a row. Instead they’ve gone for something downbeat, angry and almost oppressive in its ambiance, i.e. something even less accessible to the general viewer than last year. This feels like the rock song equivalent to a war crimes tribunal. I preferred last year’s effort, which was rather more uplifting, and which I felt was unfairly underrated for a genuinely well-composed piece of music steeped in tradition.

◯ Greece – 2019 – A number of people around me were raving for Oneiro mou last year. I wasn’t one of them and suspected it would fail to qualify from the get-go. Instead of “Greece returning to form”, it felt like them attempting to do so but ending up with a nationalistic pastiche instead. This year, they’ve taken their usual mould and smashed it with a hammer, going in a very different direction with a delightfully husky-voiced singer and a musically anthemic piece that manages to compensate, for me, the song’s lyrical shortcomings. I enjoy it a fair bit more.

◯ Hungary – 2018 – This is one of the hardest ones of this semi final to choose, as “Viszlát nyar” and “Az én apam” are chalk and cheese, but both highly qualitative and with meaningful lyrics. Joci’s other ESC song, Origo, beat Viszlát nyar for me, but his 2019 effort doesn’t have quite the same visceral punch to it, so I think I’m going to have to give the edge to AWS this time around.

◯ Iceland – 2019 – Another country giving us night and day, but this time, I like neither of the two choices. Last year certainly put the “cheese” in the old “chalk and cheese” saying, an unbelievably overwrought and soppy Christmas charity-esque tune that somehow ended up at ESC. This year, it’s something rather acerbic, dingy, grating and ultimately gimmicky. In these times, “hate will prevail” is the last message we need. I will take it over Ari any day though, as that was just squirmworthy.

◯ Montenegro  – 2018 – It seemed that, last year, Montenegro was back to doing what it has always done best – a haunting, beautiful Balkan ballad after a few bizarre years of experiments gone wrong. Unfortunately, Inje got slept on despite its quality and couldn’t bring about an end to CG’s DNQ streak. There were many candidates in this year’s Montevizija that could have gone one better and done just that – but instead, bewilderingly, we got this unspeakable jumble which sounds like it was a rejected b-side for a mediocre mid-90s boy band, but with the addition of Random Casio Noises® in the background. Comparing Inje to it is likening fine wine to a bottle of Panda Cola that has been left with the cap off in the sun for 2 weeks.

◯ Poland – 2019 – Last year, Poland sent a middle-aged man in a hat doing a cringey snake dance whilst a young, inexplicably Swedish guy sort of sang and the whole thing sounded like the soundtrack for a Coke advert gone wrong. This year, they’ve got some women swaying like maniacs in a forest where they probably buried their patriarch. Not much of a step up in theory, but a big step up nonetheless…

◯ Portugal– 2019 – Portugal is a country that could have peaked with their first win, or fallen into a niche in a sad attempt (*cough* Cyprus *cough*) to recapture that glory. Instead, they are challenging all the tropes and have a national final with some serious diversity. I loved “O jardim” and it deserved way better, but this year’s song, “Telemóveis”, exceeds even that. It’s a haunting but catchy as hell rumination on mortality, technology and saudade with a musical backdrop whose influences transcend continents. If it’s not in the running to win the whole thing, I will be disappointed.

◯ San Marino – 2018 – I cannot get my head around the enthusiasm for “Say na na na”, which seems to have been contracted not only by postmodern pisstakers but by many folk who genuinely like it. It makes me cringe 10x more than Jenny B’s not quite sick rap skills last year, and that’s saying something. Plus, they had robots.

◯ Serbia – 2019 – They seemed like really nice people, but I found last year’s Serbian entry itself to be a bit of a minestrone into which a dozen elements of other songs were chucked in, and thus was lacking a bit in coherence. “Kruna”, on the other hand, is perfectly-formed, poignant, beautifully orchestrated and one of the best Balkan ballads in the past few years.

◯ Slovenia – 2018 – Fair play to Slovenia for picking themselves up and dusting themselves off after a few rough years. Hvala ne was backed by almost no one to qualify but I had faith in it early on and Lea benefited from being able to make a real connection with the crowds. Sebi is a very different beast entirely. Whilst Hvala ne had a defiance and a frenetic energy, Sebi is contemplative and melancholy. Both have great lyrics, too. I am going with Slovenia at the minute as it’s stood the test of time, but really the better of the two songs is really a question of mood.

And the automatic qualifiers of this semi-final:

◯ France – 2018 – It’s a battle between two songs written by the same writers, and since I loved their 2018 work, their follow-up should have a chance of making this a closely-run thing. Shóúld. Instead, they went from writing an understated song about humanity to writing an overbearingly pompous and self-important song about ego. This is the worst French song to me since 1988.

◯ Israel – 2018 – I wonder if Israel’s broadcasters remember how their predecessor, the IBU, won on home soil in 1979. I have the feeling they might well do, and as a result ensured it wouldn’t happen again with this song. There are elements of the song I really like, but it’s let down for me by a snivelly, exaggerated voice and a rather self-indulgent chorus. I was no great fan of “Toy”, but can listen to it with more pleasure than this.

◯ Spain – 2018 – I remember when “Tu canción" came out and I was completely in love with it. The unfortunate thing about songs sung by starry-eyed young loves is that their relationships often end up star-crossed. Now, Almaia is no more, and the song has a hugely bitter aftertaste. Nonetheless, I prefer it to La venda, which is a rather empty song lyrically but which I still found the best of a bad lot in the Spanish national final.

Coming up in the next instalment, my thoughts on SF2’s songs and how they shape up to those from last year!

[afangirlwashere]

Scars of the past pt.1 (Bucky Barnes x reader)

Summary: Bucky stays in his room and doesn’t let anyone in. What does (Y/N) learn once she gets in?  A/N: This is my first EVER fic so I don’t really know what I’m doing. Also, english is NOT my first language but I tried as hard as I could to make something good out of this. Since it’s my first ever fic some feedback would be nice so that I know what works or if this is even worth it. I also take requests so you can check that out if you have any ideas.  Warnings: angst?? kind of? not really though? kinda sad? maybe a lil bit of civil war spoiler? (it’s been ages since the movie came out but i’ll still warn just to make sure) Word count:1,239

part 2  part 3  part 4

"Bucky?"  

Nothing. 

"Bucky?!" 

...... 

"Come on Buck open the door!"  

Silence. 

"You can't stay in your room forever!" Steve wanted to kick down the door but he knew that's not the right thing to do.  

"Still nothing?" (Y/N) just finished her workout. She looked a little sweaty. Steve shakes his head.  

"Are you sure he's in there?" 

"Yeah F.R.I.D.A.Y. confirmed it and he can't fool her. He's as bad with technology as I am." Steve snorts. 

(Y/N) nods. She has an idea. 

"Maybe I could try... I know you're his best friend but maybe that's not what he really needs right now. Maybe he needs just a casual chat with someone." (Y/N) suggests.  

Steve thinks about it. He's not so sure it's the best idea since even though Bucky wouldn't admit it, Steve very well noticed how his friend looked at her. Last time he saw that face it was 1943 and Bucky was trying to date Connie Reyes before he left for war. He really liked if not loved that girl and couldn't hide it for shit just like with (Y/N) now. 

Steve wasn't really surprised Bucky liked her. 

She had beautiful, healthy (Y/H/C) hair, nice body, and those eyes, oh those big (Y/E/C) eyes. He could easily get lost in them himself.  

(Y/N) wasn't really his type but Bucky's? 

Definitely. 

On the other hand, if he didn't open the door for Steve he won't open it for (Y/N) either. The man didn't like to be seen vulnerable.  

However what else was left to do? He had to try every possible way and it seemed like (Y/N) and Steve were the ones who meant the most to him.  

"Try." Steve decides. 

He pats the girl on her shoulders and leaves. 

(Y/N) nervously taps her fingers on her thigh. What did she get herself into? 

But seeing Steve so cheer-less and gloomy broke her heart. And the thought of Bucky being even more miserable than him was even worse. 

She was about to knock when the door flung open and a surprised Bucky stood there. They both froze for a second. 

"Hi, Bucky." 

The door quickly flies the opposite way to close but (Y/N) manages to put her foot in his room so that they can't close. 

"First of all," (Y/N) slips in his room "that wasn't very nice of you I thought mama Barnes raised a gentleman." (Y/N) scrunches her nose in disgust "And second of all why does it smell like you never open your windows here? Seriously Buck the mechanism is the same as 70 years ago we don't use any electronics to do it. " she mocks him and makes her way to the windows to let some fresh air in. 

Even though they were quite high, noises from the streets could still be heard.  (Y/N) deeply inhales fresh air, the coldness of it feels good on her hot skin from working out. 

Bucky is still standing at the door with the corners of his mouth curving into a smile. 

This is what he liked about her so much. 

(Y/N) didn't tiptoe around him and she didn't sugarcoat anything she just said what she thought. 

When things got seriously bad her attitude changed drastically but (Y/N) could always recognize when she needed to be serious and when the irony and sarcasm was at place. 

Bucky fell in love with her a little bit more every time.  Even though he didn't like to admit it to himself this girl had him wrapped around her finger. If she said she wanted the Eifell tower he'd pluck it out of the ground and carry it on his back to her. Hell, if she said she wanted the moon he'd bring it to her too. 

The last time he fell for someone like this he went to fight in the second world war. And we all know how that ended. 

There was no war now, yet still, he couldn't be with (Y/N). 

He just couldn't. 

He wouldn't be able to look in her face, to touch her, to kiss her, spend a night or his whole life with her without thinking about what he did. 

About what he did to (Y/N) Stark's parents. 

"You don't have to talk about what's bothering you. Or you can I don't know what you'd prefer but you can't completely isolate yourself from the world. From us. From Steve." (Y/N) tries to explain. "I can't imagine what terrible, terrible things you went through and like I said you don't have to talk about it I just don't want you to-"

"I need to get out of here." he interrupts her.

Silence falls upon them. 

"I-I just can't stay here. I need some time alone. To think and find myself again." Bucky continues.  

"Yeah, that's... that's understandable, I... um... but... where do you like, wanna go?" (Y/N) stutters out of surprise from what Bucky just said. 

"I was thinking about Romania or Serbia or maybe Moldavia I'm not really sure yet." 

"That sounds... nice." (Y/N) tries to swallow the frog in her throat. 

Does she like this decision? No. 

Will she stop him? No. 

It's his life. It's finally his life and she can't stop or try to control him from finally being able to make his own decisions. To finally do what he wants. 

"So I guess that's why you've been locking yourself up here huh? You don't know how Steve is going to react since he just got you back." she takes a step closer to Bucky.

"Yeah." Lies. 

He does whatever he can to not look in her face. She would recognize he's lying. And he really didn't want to break the news of what he did. He could never because that would mean he'd truly and completely lose her. 

"So do you know when you're leaving?" 

"Soon." 

He continues to give short answers to everything she asks him. 

"You need to tell Steve Buck. You need to tell everyone they deserve to know too y'know?" 

"Yeah." 

"Wow... King of conversations right?" she nudges him with her elbow and he finally smiles. 

"Even though you haven't been here for long we're all gonna miss you a lot." (Y/N) says with a very serious tone. 

She still has a little bit of hope that he might not leave if she makes him realize how much they need him here. How much she needs him here.

When he doesn't answer (Y/N) finally leaves his room. 

Bucky just sits in silence for a good few minutes. 

Is running away really a good solution? Should he stay and face the Stark siblings? 

No. He can't do that. 

They wouldn't understand. 

They would never understand. 

A soft knock on the door pulls him out of his thoughts. 

"Come in!" his voice is a little raspy since he said about four sentences for the past three days. 

Steve walks into Bucky's room.

"Hi, Buck. I saw (Y/N) and she said we should talk and I thought-" he stops the moment he sees how Bucky's hand clenches into a fist. His hand shakes because of how hard he clenches his fist. 

"Are you alright?" Steve closes the door quickly and makes his way to his friend. 

Bucky stares off into the ground and then finally turns to Steve. 

"I need to tell you something." 

Steve gets a feeling that he's not gonna like what he's about to hear. 

[eurovosion]

 some thoughts on this year’s entries

or i guess just a ranking with comments tacked on

albania - this year’s nf season was a let down for me, partly because a lot of the winning songs weren’t the best on offer, and partly because albania picked first and nothing could live up to it. i love the depth this has, the dark, almost tribal vibes, and most of all i love how they didn’t fuck up the revamp like they usually do. if this is staged correctly, i think this could do really well. 10/10

greece - i feel like this has been overlooked in the wider fandom, which is odd because greek entries are usually pretty polarising, for better or for worse. regardless, i really like this. it’s atmospheric, powerful as hell, and katerine is more than capable of nailing it live. don’t count greece out just yet! 9.5/10

portugal - festival da canção was easily the best nf this year and the portuguese public picked wisely. telemóveis is such an intriguing song with a really curious sound, so traditional yet so modern at the same time. i’m not 100% on the staging, but they have time to figure it out. 9.5/10

spain - la venda wasn’t the song i was rooting for in the selection (rip todo bien, never forgotten) but i’m fully on board with it now. this works so well with a big audience, and you just know that the crowd will be on his side. if this doesn’t go top 10 at the very least i’ll be stunned. 9/10

cyprus - this is just as instant as fuego for me. not sure if tamta will do as well as eleni, but the cypriot delegation has definitely found their winning formula. 9/10

malta - malta is not fucking around this year. this is a verified banger, and their best entry in years, perhaps their best ever. take as many youtube ads as you want, michela, you deserve them. 8.5/10

azerbaijan - without a doubt, azerbaijan is back with a vengeance. you can tell they’re determined to set the record straight and prove that last year was just a blip, because this is great and hopefully the live performance reflects that. 8.5/10

denmark - i really should hate this, but i can’t. it’s so innocent and cheerily optimistic in a way that i can only be jealous of whilst humming along to the chorus. this deserves to do well. 8/10

italy - it took me a little while to warm up to soldi, but once i finally got there i really started to appreciate it. i don’t think it’s a winner, but it’s a very good song, and in the end that’s all that matters. 8/10

san marino - yes, serhat is in my top 10, and what of it? you only wish your fave could write a song in ten minutes and have it go off like this. and yes, if he doesn’t qualify you’ll catch me openly sobbing in the streets for weeks. 8/10

switzerland - an unabashed bop with some actual choreography, but lacking lyrically. then again, so was fuego and that popped off live. he’s also working with the same stage director as eleni, which can only be good news for him. 7.5/10

the netherlands - don’t get me wrong, it’s a very polished song and i’m sure duncan’s great but like... is that it? this is the big fan favourite? i’m very whelmed. 7.5/10

armenia - i was expecting something like yete karogh es from srbuk, so this came completely out of left field in the best way possible. i thought we’d lost our token edgy pop song when ukraine dropped out, but armenia saved us at the last minute. the only thing i’m worried about are her vocals, because, from what i’ve seen, she isn’t the most confident performer. 7/10

serbia - another respectable but ultimately pretty safe pick from serbia this year. nevena has a really strong voice and she sells the song well, so i think she’ll avoid another moje 3 style placement. 7/10

germany - first of all, aly ryan was robbed. secondly, thank god the surprise song didn’t win. thirdly, this is alright. nothing spectacular, but it’s cute and the spinning stage was a great stylistic choice. 7/10

latvia - thank you latvia for letting this win and rejecting markus riva’s basic ass for the sixth year in a row WHEW i really love the whole atmosphere that surrounds this. barring a miracle, however, i don’t think it’ll qualify, but it’s still a good attempt. 6.5/10

sweden - i don’t think it’s john’s most solid composition, but it’s a decent entry nevertheless and it’s nice to see sweden picking an entry that isn’t generic pop again. 6.5/10

united kingdom - my only faint glimmer of national pride so far this year is that we managed to pick the only good song from the flaming garbage pile that was our nf. yeah, the lyrics are redundant and it’s a ballad by numbers, but michael gives it his all and it really pays off. 6.5/10

ireland - this will absolutely not do well but who cares, it’s fun and harmless. super chill and easy to listen, and i think sarah’s a big eurovision fan already which is nice. also i’d just like to take this opportunity to thank her for ditching the ylva and linda song she originally applied with. 6.5/10

iceland - hm. this is one where you need to listen a few times to get a full impression of what the fuck you’re hearing/seeing. i really did not like this when i first heard it alongside all the other söngvakeppnin songs (and most of them sucked lbr), but now i’m kind of ambivalent towards it. i still don’t like the screaming or the key change, but it’s something different and i can admire that. 6/10

slovenia - fine, but forgettable. she has a nice voice, but there’s a distinct lack of stage presence from the two of them and i fear that this might get lost in the semi final. 6/10

israel - i’m conflicted here. i definitely don’t think home is as bad as the fan polls and reviews imply, but it’s not great either. a verse or two in hebrew would have really elevated this and i’m a little baffled as to why the writers didn’t include even a little bit considering the contest is on home turf this year. still, kobi’s a very convincing performer and israel probably didn’t want to win again anyway. 6/10

poland - this is an odd one, which isn’t a bad thing at all in a year full of safe entries. not sure if using the bilingual version was the best shout, but it’s clearly still very polish and i’m glad to hear that they’ll be wearing the traditional clothing on stage in tel aviv. 6/10

czech republic - the chorus absolutely slaps, and if i was judging by music alone this’d probably be in my top ten. unfortunately, though, the rest of the song exists. the lyrics are truly abysmal, with some of the lines ending awkwardly and without proper rhymes where they’re needed, and the spoken-word section is genuinely unbearable. 5.5/10

austria - i honestly don’t know where to place this one. very underwhelming when it was first released, but now i feel like there’s potential here. most of austria’s recent entries have been very under the radar only to end up doing quite well. i’m not as optimistic about this as some of those, but only time will tell. 5.5/10

hungary - not a patch on his previous entry, but pleasant enough. he’s a good performer and unless the staging really sucks, he’ll do fine. 5.5/10

north macedonia - it’s a nice ballad? i guess? and, unlike a lot of their recent entrants, tamara is an established singer who we all know can sing live. there are also rumours that the delegation has been planning the performance for a while, so who knows, perhaps this’ll qualify. 5/10

georgia - this has been growing on me lately. the song itself is a bit of a bust, although the revamp helped, but oto really brings it to life on stage. even if you don’t understand what he’s saying, you can tell by the emotion in his voice that he really means it. 5/10

russia - the nightmare dream team hasn’t produced a good song in over a decade at this point, this included. kirkorov needs to quit fooling himself and let someone else have a go. 4.5/10

belgium - belgium’s had quite the glow up since 2014, but i fear they’ve gone for style over substance this year. wake up is very polished, but it doesn’t go anywhere and eliot’s live performances haven’t been convincing as of yet. 4/10

lithuania - i don’t know what was more shocking, him winning the selection or me finding out that he was lolita zero’s real voice in 2017. this isn’t awful, just very repetitive and strangely put together. 3.5/10

norway - sue me, i don’t like this. the bald guy feels out of place and out of tune, it sounds like it was written by a child, and oh my god it’s so unbearably cheap. 3/10 

estonia - eesti laul was such a let down this year. usually there’s a good mix of mainstream and alternative genres, but the new producer doesn’t seem to give a shit about variety, which is a real shame. anyway, victor’s performance is slick, but he can barely sing and the song itself is nothing to write home about. 3/10

romania - when this was first selected i didn’t mind it, probably because i just really didn’t want laura bretan to win, but as the season drags on i’ve really soured to it. it feels like it lasts for a minute longer than it actually does, and the whole ay-ay-ay part was not a good choice. 2.5/10

australia - as someone who was a big fan of estonia last year, this is honestly the furthest thing from that. it comes across as quite cheap (even without the questionable staging), and the chorus really grates on me. 2.5/10

belarus - i didn’t watch the entirety of the belarusian auditions for them to reject the potato monks in favour of lidl’s own brand zara larsson. 2/10

france - this is why delegations should be wary of selecting social media stars for their national selections. yes, they might get the viewing figures up a little, but they’ll probably win and the song will be Bad. i respect his message, but holy shit is this hamfisted as hell. 1/10

finland - if anyone was wondering how darude only ever had one hit two decades ago, here is your answer. 1/10

moldova - they really don’t want to qualify this year, huh. could’ve had ca adriano celentano, but nope. basic tune, painfully simple lyrics, but i guess her voice is nice enough 1/10

croatia - this... is awful. upsettingly so. at least jacques’ last entry had a novelty factor, but he’s doomed this poor kid to failure. 0.5/10

montenegro - i have absolutely nothing positive to say here. honest to god one of the worst songs i’ve ever heard, and no amount of clumsily shoehorned in folk instrumentation was ever going to save this. i can only pray that they’re spending their preparation time wisely and taking singing lessons, but considering that they probably blew half the budget on the music video, it’s unlikely. 0/10

as for potential winners,  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a lot of the big fan favourites don’t have a winning vibe about them, so we might be in for a shock this year. please let it be albania or greece

also feel free to drop me an ask if you want to chat about last year’s entries since i kind of ditched tumblr for a year or two lmao

[borisbubbles]

EUROVISION 2018 #5 & #4

05. SWITZERLAND ZiBBZ - “Stones” 32nd place

~*Wild Jokah On A Gole Froam*~

Yanking away the top NQ slot in this year’s ranking is, of course, everybody’s favourite Sibling alliance, ZiBZZ!! 

As you know, I looooooooove mental health awareness songs, and I particularly love those with approaches that work (*cough* NOT “Goodbye” *cough*). While most of these songs are doused in motherly, cloddlesome tones, “Stones” doesn’t beat around the bush and argues that one must confront their fears HEAD-ON. 

To transliterate the (ridic, amusing) lyrics into Common English: 

“People have always been shitbags and have treated others like crap for aeons and there’s nothing I can do about it because people won’t fucking change.. SO fucking WHAT? Why would let those assholes affect my present and future the same way they’ve influenced my past? Fuck that noise. It’s time to let the inner demons rest, grow as a person AND help others get out of the deep end while doing so.”. 

Holy fuck what an epic Truth BOMB, I can relate to all of that scalding hot tea. The best way to get around depression, anger and frustration *is* to 1) remove you from the toxic environment 2) find kindred spirits and support each other 3) find the courage to leave your past behind and build a future for yourself. Mental health is a BATTLEFIELD that HITS YOU with its best shots (did I just ref Pat Benatar twice? 🤭) while you’re struggling and “Stones” acklowedges this reality so hard. About fucking time someone lit the flares of ferocity to stand up against BULLYING and HATE. ALL HAIL COCO the ZiBB, FIRST OF HER NAME, THE UNDUN, MOTHER OF FLARES, KHALEESI OF THE DOWNTRODDEN, NON-THROWER OF STONES, BREAKER OF TABOOS, QUEEN OF THE HURT, TORMENTED AND BROWBEATEN. 

Ain’t the only one who don’t wanna throw stooooooooooones

But of course, message alone isn’t enough to get such a high ranking, but fortunately ZiBBZ delivered musically as well. “Stones” has the perfect type of melody for Eurovision: catchy,  repetitive and accessible, but never boring or tiresome because the arrangement was spot.fucking.on. The horns and tuba’s give the music so much gravitas, the backing AHEMs are excellent  and CoCo’s five-packs-a-day type of gravelly voice adds so much realness to the song. "Stones” as a whole is jarring and complex and succeeds at elliciting the emotional response it aims for. This is my favourite song of the 42, by no small margin. 

And then there’s the staging, which... I have mixed feelings about, not gonnal ie. It saddens me that even at this high a rank I must again resort to critique. I mean, the ACT was great. That motherfuckin’ flare is one of the few goosebump moments I got from this year, Coco is Minerva in a hipster body, Stee is a lovable goof, but... you have this amazing, dynamic song that is capable BLOWING EVERYONE AWAY and it  kinda... doesn’t? 

I would say that “Stones” was mostly hampered by its camerawork, which was mostly AWFUL. Which idiot [Hans Pancake 🙄] is responsible for framing such a powerful, uptempo song with slow, drawn-out shots?

I mean, shots such as this one:

(why didn’t they just focus on Stee??? or the audience?)

and that one:

(You can clearly see Coco throwing away a drumstick at the start of the preformance... Why the faraway shots?? Why no close-ups when she’s drumming happening???? NO ONE CARED ABOUT SANNA’S LIGHT CAGE SO WHY WOULD THEY START CARING NOW??? (seriously, fuck you Hans Culpepper))

This is the reason why “Stones” failed to ensnare the audience’s attention. Wrong people with the right to stage and ZiBBZ can’t do anything about it. I chose to not take it into account when I decided on their final ranking, but it’s sooooo frustrating to see Switzerland FINALLY strike the motherload and fall flat because of some moronic cinematographic decisions. Now watch Switz pick something mediocre and be overrated by the Basics/NQ once again (lol I say this without having listened to the Swiss songs, but can you blame me?). Oh well, ZiBBZ have since moved on to better things -

- and so should we :). Still praying they pull a Poli in five years or so. THE WORLD NEEDS IT

04. SLOVENIA Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!” 22nd place

Damn’ this is such a tough decision. Cutting entries loose at this point really hurts y’all.

So as you know, I really, REALLY fucking love Lea Sirk and even said that, in the unlikely event that she qualified, she’d WIN the ranking. However, while I am probably obliged by contract to grant her the first place, I can honestly say that... I like my top three more?  Lea could have easily won this ranking, had my opinions on Elina, DoReDos and Ieva stayed the same; but they didn’t (they went up obvi), so here we are. The above paragraph is just a disclaimer to explain why Slovenia don’t rank higher than they do, because holy fuck this "Hvala, ne!” was awesoooooooooome. Anti-establishmentarian trap-pop that was a shock qualifier and made a flashy gimmick work TWICE <3 There’s a reason why the Good Gays Fanbase (do I include myself in that? hmmm 🤔) have nicknamed it “Hvala Slay!”. 

But first, (-- Julie Chen-Moonves) let’s discuss the PHENOMENON that is Lea Sirk. My love for her predates this contest by several years, from the time when I only knew her as the botty cyborg sidekick to the heiress of the Ravenclaw Empire herself, Tinkara Kovac. 

“KEN U BEE-LIEF ET???”

who happens to be *my* fave of Outstanding Eurovision Year 2014 (Yes, over Conchita, go cry) and is a contender for fave entry of the decade. The Summer of 2014 was a fantastic experience, partly thanks to Lea and I will forever cherish her for that reason. So when this beautiful dubstep fae was selected to rep Slovenia, now sporting a lilac killer braid, a trashbag jumpsuit and a cabal of slut-dropping dance devas of destruction... like *instantly* fanning my proverbial clit right there. It only got better during Lea’s pre-show content, proving her not only cool chick onstage, but off the stage as well. Having a teenage girl crush on Waylon <3 (Confessing this IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE WHICH INCLUDED BOTH WAYLON AND HER HUSBAND lmao bless <3). Impersonating Salvador on some Slovene version of the Soundmix Show <3 There’s no way Lea couldn’t deliver in Lisbon.

And “deliver” is underselling what Lea did, holy fucking hell that live was EVERYTHING. It’s hard to even name what the brightest shining star of their performance was, since Slovenia brought an entire fucking galaxy  of them. I’d say the best thing was probably the choreography, which managed to be spellbinding, professional and hilarious all at once.  Lea and her dancers-in-crime put on an amazing, electrifying show, aided by dynamic camerawork and lighting (Take note, Hans Pancake 🙄). 

My personal fave thing about “Hvala ne!” however was that it QUALIFIED BY A COMFORTABLE MARGIN AND WOULD HAVE UNDER ANY POINTS SYSTEM <345871 I love a deserving shock qualifier (see: Albania), but when it happens to a preshow fave of mine that I considered all but doomed (and a contender for last in the semi). . . There are no superlatives in my glossary that can describe the state of elation I felt when Lea was announced as a finalist. Netta might as well cede her trophy because the Eurogaes were the actual winners of this year 💗🧡💛💚💙💜 “Hvala, ne!” more like “HVALA motherfucking SLAYS HATERS” amirite???

Granted “Hvala, ne!” was the same in Lisbon as during the preshow, with only two marked exceptions. One was Lea had added a chorus in shabby Portuguese (”OBRIGADA NAO NAO!!!” <3) which was hilar, and the other was... the break!

Granted the semi break was kinda *blah* to me. “Zomg the music dies riiiiiiight before the bridge how coincidental”. Sure, Jan. Either way, I found it moderately funny, mostly because of the random extras that were clearly being paid by production to oversell it <3 

But the best thing was that it WORKED and brought Lea to the finale where she performed a SECOND break and this one was downright epic. The audience actually sang along with her <3 <3 <3 <3 Two different instances of the same gimmick and making it work BOTH times <3 When will YOUR faves???

I suppose that, at the end of the day, “Hvala, ne!” was an experimental song that you either love or hate. Why anyone would ever hate this radiant nymph is beyond me, but whatever. My ranking, my rules, ya shallow fools. I *loved* this bizarre mix of K-Pop and Hip-Hop, sung in Slovene and Portuguese, (which is the most unique combination of languages ever featured in a Eurovision entry, I’m sure <3), with badass self-referential lyrics that SLAM DOWN musical conformity in a year that was all about rewarding it. In other words PRECISELY WHAT THIS CONTEST NEEDED. You know, there are plenty of countries out there that have never scored a top five in Eurovision and probably never will until they find their monster runaway winner (Lordi, Salvador). I *hope* the next one is from Slovenia. Raiven performing a song by Maraaya, with Lea and BQL as the back-up singers. Come on y’all, let’s make Eurovision Great Again. Hvala, slay, slay, slay, slay

 RANKING SO FAR

04. Slovenia (Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!”)

05. Switzerland (ZiBBZ - “Stones”)

06. Germany (Michael Schulte - “You let me walk alone”)

07. Albania (Eugent Bushpepa - “Mall”)

08. France (Madame Monsieur - “Mercy”)

09. Hungary (AWS - “Viszlát nyár”)

10. Finland (Saara Aalto - “Monsters”)

11. Bulgaria (EQUINOX - “Bones”)

12. Denmark (Rasmussen - “Higher ground”)

13. Malta (Christabelle - “Taboo”)

14. Cyprus (Eleni Foureira - “Fuego”)

15. United Kingdom (SuRie - “Storm”)

16. Serbia (Balkanika - “Nova Deca”)

17. Portugal (Cláudia Pascoal - “O jardim”)

18. The Netherlands (Waylon - “Outlaw in ‘em”)

19. Ukraine (MÉLOVIN - “Under the ladder”)

20. Macedonia (Eye Cue - “Lost and Found”)

21. San Marino (Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”)

22. Sweden (Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”)

23. Austria (Cesár Sampson - “Nobody but you”)

24. Latvia (Laura Rizzotto - “Funny girl”)

25. Azerbaijan (AISEL - “X my heart”)

26. Israel (Netta - “Toy”)

27. Norway (Alexander Rybak  - “That’s how you write a song”)

28. Montenegro (Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”)

29. Armenia (Sevak Khanagyan - “Qami”)

30. Poland (Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me up”)

31. Greece (Yianna Terzi - “Oniro mou”)

32. Georgia (Iriao - “For you”)

33. Belgium (Sennek - “A matter of time”)

34. Italy (Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro - “Non mi avete fatto niente”)

35. Romania (The Humans - “Goodbye”)

36. Ireland (Ryan O'Shaughnessy - “Together”)

37. Croatia (Franka - “Crazy”)

38. Belarus (ALEKSEEV - “Forever”)

39. Russia (Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”)

40. Spain (Amaia & Alfred - “Tu canción”)

41. Iceland (Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice”)

42. Australia (Jessica Mauboy - “We got love”)

43. Czech Republic (Mikolas Jozef - “Lie to me”)

[tangerinefreckles]

Tell me abt ur ocs!!

thanks for ur ask!!! so since u didn’t ask about anyone specific i’m just gonna?? try and quickly (lol) introduce some of the ocs i’ve been thinking/working on lately lol

iah is a human boy who is just one giant flirt on legs (well actually he’s quite small but let’s not tell him that). he’s very loud and hard to ignore, which means a lot of people are annoyed by him but at the same time anyone knows that if you want to have a fun time at a party, you should definitely invite iah. not many people know him any better than that, though. he has a rough time at home, where his dad is genuinely trying but still neglecting iah anyway. after the birth of his younger sister, lisanne, his mother got into a really bad postnatal depression and most of his father’s attention goes to trying to help her. because of this, iah doesn’t try to spend too much time at home and has moved out a while ago. because i cannot ever create an oc that is genuinely happy, iah is aromantic but doesn’t realise it. he’s desperately trying to fall in love and doesn’t understand why even if he finds a person he adores and admires, he never manages to. since he doesn’t know there are other people like him out there, he never talks about this and just goes through life falling in and out of relationships and wondering why he’s broken. (also he’s absolutely terrified that his mother’s depression might be genetic and does anything and everything to keep feeling things, which often leads him to very.. unfortunate situations)(i also have a tag for him!! its mostly pictures and poems and stuff that remind me of him)

yelena (pronounced yell-uh-naa) (tw suicide mention for this one) is a centuries old dryad, which means she shares her life force with an old oak tree in the woods of serbia. a very long time ago she made the mistake of falling in love with a human boy. dryads are known for the fact that they have blood of the ancient gods running through their veins. despite knowing better, she tried to build a life with this human boy, but he slowly turned mad because of her heritage. once she became pregnant, he was convinced that he needed to make a sacrifice to her and her unborn child. yelena tried to stop him, but wasn’t able to. in the end he hung herself from her tree. heartbroken, yelena wasn’t able to look at her daughter once she was born and gave her up to an orphanage. unfortunatley, this wasn’t enough to forget him. due to the release of power of his sacrifice, the branch he hung himself from is stuck in time. even now, centuries later, the leaves are a bright spring green throughout the entire year. worse than that, the body of the human boy has never decayed and is still hanging there, looking as if he only just died seconds ago. all of this lead yelena to do somehting no other dryad did before - she left her tree. she is now uprooted, wandering along the earth without any purpose. the other dryads of her woods judge her, and often try and harm her tree in retribution. 

nemo is one of my more recent ocs. he uses he/him pronouns but identifies as nonbinary and thinks gender norms are dumb and confusing (don’t we all tbh). he grew up as any other kid, with two parents that cared about him and a nice yard to play in. when he was around 10, he started realising he could do something other kids could not, however. he was able to visit the dreams of other people. after his first ‘visit’, he very quickly stopped being able to have his own dreams. he learned the hard way that going without them was not an option, as it would lead to both insanity and cognitive decline. his parents let him visit their dreams so he could survive, and it didn’t take him very long to develop his skills. his gift was no secret in the town, and people with problems such as nightmares or insomnia started to come to him for help. the head of one of the old rich families in town started realising the bigger implications of his gift, however. when his parents died under unusual circumstances, this man stepped forward to adopt him so nemo could “still live in a familiar neighbourhood”. i haven’t really fleshed out this part (obviously, because right now it’s still “the powerful head of a family” lmao), but basically he has persuaded nemo to spend so much time in dreams that he has slowly started to forget himself. his new father is now using him to put subtle ideas into the minds of powerful people for his own profit. 

(nemo also has a tag)

this ws,, longer than i expected lol oops im not rly surprised but!!! i hope this was interesting/fun to read rip

[finalproblem]

E: the end

Vindication for Anderson at last.

Also, this part becomes a lot more about Sherlock than it is about Elizabeth. But I think we all knew that was going to happen eventually, right?

This post will be a little... squishier?... too. Mostly because the data we have about this part is very, very squishy. For good reason.

I do recommend reading the middle and the beginning first. But hey, I’m not your mom.

Remember how in Many Happy Returns, Anderson had a theory that “dead” Sherlock had been hiding out in Tibet? Then after that he was just bopping around the world, solving cases and goofing off?

Then we got The Empty Hearse and pretty much everyone decided that no, Sherlock had spent the hiatus having a painful grimdark time destroying Moriarty’s web.

There’s reason to suspect Anderson was the one who had it right all along, though. For one, Anderson’s version is closer to what happened in the original stories. For another, if Sherlock had really been out there taking down all the remnants of Moriarty’s web... seems like he did a pretty crappy job of it? Because they ain’t gone.

It could, of course, be some combination of both versions that kept Sherlock busy while he was away. But let’s at least consider that Anderson was on the right track. The last stop on his map had Sherlock landing in Brussels.

Sherlock’s old childhood friend Elizabeth was in Brussels doing work for the SIS under codename Eurus around the same time. Maybe Sherlock and Elizabeth/Eurus ran into one another there? Who are we kidding, it’s TV. Of course they did. And since Eurus worked for Mycroft and probably had similar security clearance to her coworker Anthea, it’s not like it was the end of the world if Eurus knew Sherlock was alive. Or maybe she already knew the whole time as part of Team Mycroft.

Unfortunately, something horrible was about to happen. Eurus was captured by the Scowrers--a nasty band of international assassins who all have the same triangle-in-a-circle shark fin tattoo. Sherlock wasn’t able to protect Elizabeth (he’s on a roll with that, huh?), and was captured as well.

I won’t try to randomly guess specifics, but whatever happened once Eurus and Sherlock were captured was probably in the capital-D Dark category everyone keeps promising for Series 4. (I gave you a happy beach scene. I can’t give you everything.) Whether she was killed or locked up in some deep, dark, underground lair [🎶 “My little master, who will find me deep down below the ocean?” 🎶] Sherlock and Mycroft’s goldfish friend did not fare well against the Scowrer sharks.

Ludmila Dyachenko, one of the assassins who was running around shootin’ folk and kidnapping children in Reichenbach, was among the Scowrers who’d captured Eurus and Sherlock. (I’ve had Ludmila slightly misfiled in my theories for ages, but she’ll get her own post later.) Ludmila, already skilled at disguise, would eventually have plastic surgery in order to steal Eurus’ face and identity. That’s who we met at the end of The Lying Detective. (The thing about being a secret sister was BS, whether we’re referring to the real Eurus or to Ludmila. It’s not like John knows enough to call her on it.)

Remember what that fake!Eurus said, though? She told John she and Culverton Smith had a mutual friend. So what that really means is Ludmila and Culverton had a mutual friend. And which of Culverton’s friends was highlighted in the episode? The guy whose company produces TD 12, the memory inhibiting drug.

So Ludmila had Sherlock captured. Ludmila had a friend with a magic memory erasing drug. And now Sherlock’s back out in the world with apparently no memory of the real Eurus.

Ludmila wiped Sherlock’s memory of what he’d seen of the Scowrers, and everything he knew about the real Eurus.

Well, almost everything. The TD 12 memory erasure wasn’t perfect. (Maybe Sherlock managed to yank the IV drip out before it was done, as he discussed with Culverton.)

Consider the unsuccessful removal of a fish tattoo--Sherlock is now living with a “slightly blurred memory” of Eurus the goldfish.

The remnants of memory that weren’t removed are still banging around in his head, though, and have been causing some unexpected results.

That’s why in the giant drug trip / dream that was The Abominable Bride, there was a woman singing, “Do not forget me...”

Also in TAB, when Watson asked, “What made you like this?” Sherlock replied, “I made me,” then heard the sound of a dog and questioned, “Redbeard?”

But as Mycroft’s notebook hinted, Redbeard was a red herring. Apparently Sherlock was right about his “the drugs opened certain doors in my mind” hypothesis from the end of TLD. Because ever since getting completely wasted in TAB and hearing the dog noises, Sherlock’s been having recurring dreams that include a day long ago with Redbeard... and Eurus’ voice singing a song. Erased memories are beginning to fight their way back through, slowly.

Compare all of the above to Mycroft’s lines from the trailer for The Final Problem: “Every choice you’ve ever made. Every path you’ve ever taken. The man you are today is your memory of Eurus.”

The imperfectly erased memories of Sherlock’s experience with Eurus and the Scowrers are also the source of Sherlock’s aquatic “premonition” in The Six Thatchers when he sees the missing Thatcher bust. Somewhere deep down in his wiped-out memories, Sherlock knows this is connected to what happened with Eurus (goldfish) and the Scowrers (sharks). And he’s right, because the Thatcher situation was connected to Mary, and Mary is connected to the Scowrers.

One way or another, Ludmila and the Scowrers let Sherlock go after his memory was wiped. They had other plans for him than killing him, or they wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of erasing his memory in the first place.

For some reason that we still don’t know, Sherlock ended up breaking in to a Serbian military facility after that. He’s captured, but Mycroft gets him out and takes him home. They’ve had a tip from an agent (Eurus) who was believed to have died getting the information. There’s an underground terrorist network planning a massive attack in London, and Sherlock needs to go stop it. Of course, that’s exactly what the Scowrers and Lord Moran want Sherlock to do.

Sometime after pulling Sherlock out of Serbia, Mycroft must’ve figured out that Sherlock’s memories had been corrupted. For whatever reason--possibly because he doesn’t know how to fix the damage even if he wanted to--Mycroft plays along as if there had never been an Elizabeth/Eurus. (That’s why he wants to change the subject quickly when Sherlock suggests he may’ve had a goldfish while Sherlock was away, uses the wrong pronouns to refer to the agent who died getting the underground terrorist network tip, and pretends the brothers had never successfully made friends with any other children when they were younger.)

Because it now turns out Sherlock may not know exactly what happened while he was away, I also need to reopen the question of who the lies in the barber scene were for. Before now, I’d always examined that sequence assuming that Sherlock knew the truth, but he might not have.

One last note on Sherlock and Elizabeth...

I’m not a shipper for this show, and never have been. Not trying to sail or sink anything here.

But I do need to note that since Sherlock was walking around all night with a woman who’d stolen Elizabeth’s face, and saying things about how her lover should’ve known she was hurting herself and helped her... There’s definitely a line they could take to be foreshadowing an Elizabeth / Sherlock romance.

On the other hand, there’s also the brotherly compassion angle that’s being worked with Elizabeth and Mycroft.

The final destination may be something loosely based on The Copper Beeches. Holmes says he wouldn’t like any sister of his to be in a situation like the one Violet Hunter is considering--brotherly! Watson thinks Holmes might be interested in Violet in a romantic sense--shippy! But then Holmes shows no further interest in her after the case--classic Holmesian ambiguity!

If you made me guess right now, I think we might get a relationship with some room for interpretation. But again, I’m no shipper, so I’m just planning to roll with anything.

[7r0773r]

Dancing Bears: True Stories of People Nostalgic for Life Under Tyranny by Witold Szablowski, translated by Antonia Lloyd-Jones

“Before the war, a Gypsy was a nobody. It’s entirely thanks to the Communists that after the war we were given rights, jobs, and apartments, that our people learned to read and write, and that the Bulgarians started to give us a bit of respect.” (p. 13)

***

“They’re going to their life of freedom in cages,” someone remarked, but this subtle piece of spite didn’t spoil the atmosphere of triumph and success. (p. 27)

***

“And then he adds something that I find way out of line--he says he knows what’s best for the bear. He says his corn and bread are better than our nuts and apples, and that a Gypsy’s chain and gadulka are better than our thirty acres. 

“But what bugs me most is when he says he loves the bear, and that we’re trying to take away a member of his family.

“ ‘Man,’ I think to myself, ‘you’re hurting that animal. You’re degrading it. You’re forcing it to behave in a way that’s totally contrary to its nature. You’re making a laughing stock out of a proud wild animal! You’re making a fool of it!’

“But what would a Gypsy understand even if I said all that to him?

“They’d been hearing for years that they’d have to hand over the bears, and they were used to the idea. But they thought it would just end in talk again. They didn’t understand that we weren’t going to let them off. We were building a nature reserve. We had the support of important people--politicians, actors, and journalists. And as soon as they sat down at the same table as us--with food, rakia, and gifts--they were in the losing position, because everyone else was on our side, and they were just Gypsies carrying on traditions from a world that no longer exists.” (pp. 38-39)

***

For days on end, Vela kept touching her nose, looking for the ring. Although it had caused her pain throughout her life, she couldn’t cope with its removal, as if she’d grown so used to being a slave that she regarded her sudden freedom as a threat and feared it more than the pain. 

The same thing happened with Mima, one of the bears taken from the Stanev family.

But there are also bears who feel fine in a few minutes and never wonder where the piece of metal that always caused them pain his gone. 

That’s what happened with Misho and Svetla. They reacted to the removal of the ring as if losing it were the most ordinary thing in the world. They immediately got on with fighting for their place within the group, and later with love affairs. The lack of the ring never bothered them in the least. (pp. 58-59)

***

“Nobody has tried anything like this before. Nobody has managed to restore nature to animals that have lived with people for whole generations. I do have some concerns. I can’t be sure we’re not opening Pandora’s box. We could be unblocking other things in their minds--who knows where that will take us? Wild bears would find a way to get out of here in two days flat. They wouldn’t have the least problem, not even with the electric fence. They have far greater self-confidence and they’re more creative. Perhaps one day our bears will go for the electric fence too, destroy it and be off into the forest. That would be a success for us, but on the other hand it would also be our failure. Why? Because our bears wouldn’t survive as much as a week at liberty. I’ll be happy to tell you about it, but right now it’s feeding time. They guys have brought the bread. Come on, you can help us to scatter it.” (pp. 66-67)

***

“But you can’t just let a bear go and expect it to cope with everything for itself. Freedom is a terribly complicated business. You have to give it to them gradually, in small doses. And the fact that they’re hibernating means our bears are making progress on the road to freedom. They’re no longer living from one day to the next. They’ve learned to prepare for tougher times.” (p. 72)

***

And when the citizens add up all those large sums, they come to the unpleasant conclusion that far more care is taken of the bears than of them. While the animals are being taught resourcefulness, conflict solving, and hibernation, while pools are being built for them and playgrounds adapted to their needs, the people of Belitsa are being left to fend for themselves. Although they’ve been learning freedom for longer than the bears, they don’t have a team of experts to help them with the transformation.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t born a bear,” the former mayor of Belitsa, Hasan Ilan, once said bitterly, as he compared the park’s budget with the town’s. (p. 80)

***

“In the wild, a bear cub spends the first two years of its life with its mother, who teaches it everything. Scientists in Alaska have recorded entire bear lessons, during which the mothers take their cubs to the riverbank and show them how to position their paws in order to catch fish.

“But what could our mother bears teach their offspring? Maybe just that when a truck comes along, there’s going to be food. Or that if you can’t manage to dig yourself a pit to hibernate in, a hairy-faced  human will come along and build you a kennel out of planks.

“Unfortunately, our bears not only hav the smell but also the mentality of captives. For twenty or thirty years they were used to having somebody do the thinking for them, providing them with an occupation, telling them what they had to do, what they were going to eat and where to sleep. It wasn’t the ideal life for a bear, but it was the only one they knew.” (pp. 86-87)

***

to this day,

almost all the bears still

dance.

When they see a human being, they stand up on their hind legs and start rocking from side to side. As if they were begging, as in the past, for bread, candy, a sip of beer, a caress, or to be free of pain. Pain that nobody has been inflicting on them for years. (p. 90)

***

When spring comes, Misho wakes from his lethargy and goes to find Svetla. He circles her like a shy teenager. Now he goes closer, now he moves away again. He roars, rubs against a tree, and goes up to her again. Svetla patiently watches the performance.

Until they come together.

Their attempt to continue the species doesn’t last long. Once it’s over, Svetla plunges into a state of bliss for several weeks. Only after a month or two does she realize something hasn’t gone right. Then both she and Misho start to dance, each in a different corner of the park for dancing bears at Belitsa, the park that’s like something out of a tourist brochure. (pp. 98-99)

***

“Everyone goes to Poland for their shopping, because in Ukraine, even though we’ve got the best earth in Europe, it lies fallow. You tell me, Witold, where’s the sense in that? Ukraine could be Europe’s granary. You could eat our black earth with a spoon--there’s no soil like it anywhere in the world. But what happens? It just lies fallow. People are only interested in opportunities to earn money abroad. Or to get something for nothing, just as they got used to doing under the Commies. My old man doesn’t meet any of the EU standards. He’s never seen face cream in his life. Whatever cash I send him, he drinks away. I keep telling him: ‘We were given two and a half acres when they closed down the collective farm. you could take just a little bit of it and sow some carrots, cucumbers, and tomatoes. You could raise hens. Why not have something of your own?’”

“And wha does he say to that?”

“He says he won’t do it! Because he doesn’t feel like it. Unfortunately, the whole Ukrainian nation is just like our marriage. Either they work hard, but abroad, like me. Or they sit in their village and whack a stick against a tree in the hope that a pear might fall. I pray for the EU to come to us too. For the Dutch and the Germans to come here, and the Poles too, and plough that land for us. The collective farm will start up again, but this time it’ll be privately owned.” (pp. 135-36)

***

“When I went to the bazaar in Kabul with my air force pals,” says Viktor, “one of the stallholders said to us in Russian, ‘Good cabbage, very shitty!’ Someone had taught him to prattle that nonsense. It’s the same thing with the Russian youth. Someone has told them they have to defend the Bronze Soldier. So that’s what they’re doing.” (p. 154)

***

“What does Memed think about the Serbs in Kosovo?”

“He can tell the difference between criminals and regular people. Wars are not fought between races. They’re fought between criminals from  one side and the other. He understands that. After the declaration of independence, he could see that I was out of sorts. ‘Tatiana,’ he said, ‘we’re just pawns on the chessboard. The Americans are playing against the Russkies. It’s sheer chance that you’re a black pawn and I’m a white one.’” (p. 200)

***

“Until 2004 there wasn’t a single Serb left in our village. They’d all run off with the army. They were afraid we’d take revenge on them. But now time has passed and not all of them have made a life for themselves in Serbia. Now Belgrade is protesting against our independence, but they don’t treat the Serbs from Kosovo well there. So they’re starting to come back. In the past four years twelve families have returned--almost fifty people. The UN gives us money. We’re building houses for them. We’re helping them to get set up. But it’s not enough, because they don’t have jobs. So we had the idea of giving them chickens. They’ll be starting up miniature farms, selling eggs and meat. They’ll have something to eat. We’ve bought a small hut for one of them, and he’ll have a greengrocer’s store there. Tomorrow we’re going to fetch the first hundred chickens. Maybe this will allow us to attract a few more Serbs.”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“So the government in Belgrade won’t go saying they’re badly treated here. Besides, there’s money provided for it. Why not take advantage of that?”

“Aren’t the Albanians protesting?”

“I have a neighbor. A great Albanian patriot. Ask him about the Serbs, he’d say he’d shoot the lot. But when they started to come back, it reminded him that he used to have a good friend called Goran, who was a Serb. And now he runs after me to ask if I can get his pal Goran to come back. Because he’d like to see him again before he dies.” (pp. 205-06)

***

“I used to work at a clothing factory. In the personnel department too. When the Soviet Union collapsed, the factory collapsed with it. And everything was looted--even the glass was stolen out of the window frames. In Stalin’s day something like that wouldn’t have been possible. The culprits would have been punished. So these days when I hear the stories they tell about him, I say, ‘People, you’ve lost your minds. Remember the Soviet Union. Everyone had work. The children had a free education. From Tbilisi to Vladivostok.’ If it weren’t for Communism, I, for example, would still be living in the countryside. I would never have thought of occupying a managerial position, because only men had those jobs before then. No system has ever given women as much.

“Since its collapse, everything is worse. In the past, the doctors couldn’t refuse to help a poor person. Now the health service is private, and even if you break a leg you have to pay. It’s the same with education. A retired person used to have the phone for free, and paid less for electricity. But now? You get a pension of twenty dollars, and the prices are like in the West.

“And life gets worse and worse for women. In the USSR men had a good life. There were no wars. And if a man hit you, you could go and complain to the party committee. The committee informed the party cell at the factory, and the abuser could get into big trouble.

“These days the men has no work and they’re frustrated. And when one of them hits you, you’ve no one to defend you.” (pp. 212-13)

***

“What do I think about Stalin? Here, in Gori, it’s customary for parents or grandparents to take their kids to the museum and tell them about him. I brought my toddler here too. And I told him, just like it says in those American guides to success, ‘He was much worse off than you are. His father drank, his cottage was falling down, and the other kids were good-for-nothings. But he was hardworking, thanks to which years later he ruled the entire country. If you study, you can achieve a lot too.’” (p. 218)

[mariannebeckenba-blog]

Drawing attention to The Positives.

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[orenbeval-blog]

Rosie Watson’s Diary - Tue.12/02/2030 (part 3)

Good thing about automatic tubes : they are never late and super reliable. Daddy told me once there used to actually be drivers inside the tubes and they would drive them along the tunnels. That sounds sooooooo XXth Century alike !

 At the practice, I kindly said hello to the young lady at the entrance desk (I don’t know, I have the feeling there is a new one like every three weeks or so… never understood why) and sat down in the waiting room. There was another person waiting. So I texted Irene, Molly, Harry and Sherlock.

18:01 - Hi Harry, I am fine. I am at Daddy’s practice to bring him back his phone.

18:03 - Hi Sherlock, I am fine. I just went home to collect my stuff. I will sleep at Molly’s. I took Daddy’s phone. I am at his practice to give it back to him. He slept at Harry’s last two nights. <3

18:05 – Molly, Hi ! I went home to get my stuff. I found Daddy’s phone. Am currently at his practice to give it back to him. See you later.

18:06 – I am at Daddy’s practice. I’ve got his phone. I don’t understand anything. Would you mind explaining ?

18:07 – Well, Junior good evening. Explaining what ?

18:08 – Moriarty, Magnusson and Morstan. And the fourth M.

18:09 – They’re dead. Period.

18:10 – Shall I ask my parents ?

18:12 – I wouldn’t suggest that, right now. 

18: 12 - What is this obsession all about ?

18:13 – I don’t know. I handed Sherlock some adoption forms and… suddenly all Daddy and him were talking about implied jumping from a roof, being dead, dismantling a mafia in Serbia, Jim Moriarty, my Mum being an assassin, Daddy being a drinker, Daddy being violent, Sherlock being shot… And NOBODY wants to give me any real explanation.

18:17 – I see.

18:17 – So ?

18:18 - Who is Jim Moriarty ?

18:19 - Ask the Lestrade bloke.

18:19 - I am asking you.

18:21 - Wrong person. I won’t say anything. Leave him alone, he is of no interest. Go read Angela Davis' work instead, put something usefull into your brain.

18:23 - He made Sherlock jump from a roof ?

18:24 - Christ Junior, don't go down there.

18:25 - I already am. I want to understand.

18:31 - He... liked your Sherlock Dad. Wanted to play with him. Made him jump from a roof, yes, just for fun. He was a bad guy. Really bad. You don’t wanna know.

18:32 – But WHY did Sherlock Jump ?

18:37 - To actually save the people he loved. Jim Moriarty wanted to “burn the heart out of him”. Just for fun. Almost managed. But failed in the very end. Because your parents are two. It's always two of them. So he died. Well I don't miss him. Nobody does. Let him be. He has done enough damage.

I didn’t get a chance to reply as suddenly Daddy was standing in front of me, in his white kittle, arms crossed, face serious. He looked grey and tired. So… THAT was Daddy without Sherlock for two days. I swallowed :

 “Hi.”

 “Hi.”

He bent over to kiss my forehead.

“I went home and found your phone on the table. I thought it would be easier if you had it. I read your text messages. You got some from Inspector Donovan and two from Greg.”

 He frowned while taking the phone : “Rosie…”

“I also wanted to see you.”

He looked at me and melted. His eyes went warm, his face sweetened up, he even smiled. He nodded and relaxed. I patched his wrist. He read the messages. He almost fell on the seat next to mine and slowly grabbed his head with a big sigh.

 I asked very carefully : “Daddy, what is this all about ?”

 He rose his gaze and looked at me between his fingers.

 “We…”

 “Who is Jim Moriarty ? Why did Sherlock jump from a roof ?”

 Daddy tensed.

“Of course you heard us on Saturday...”

I wanted to add like “well yes and on Friday, and on Thursday and on Wednesday and...” but I remained silent (maybe I should join a chess club or something... I find myself really good at strategic and tactical thinking...). However. He went on, voice thin and flat, breathing deeply, face and shoulders tensed. His scare seemed to cause him pain, he was slowly rubbing it without seeming to notice : “Jim Moriarty was an insane criminal who had decided he would play cat and mouse with Sherlock just to… not be bored. He was very dangerous. He had many people working for him. Powerful people.”

He seemed to search for some proper wording. GOD as if I was 6 or something... When he spoke again, there was some sort of thump growling under his stiff voice : “At some point, he managed to trap Sherlock, to make the world believe Sherlock was all fake, and to force him to fake his own suicide in jumping from Saint-Bart’s roof. I was there, I have seen it. -he swallowed- Well… Sherlock couldn’t tell me he was alive and so I grieved. I was… hardly alive for several months. And while Sherlock was travelling around the world to dismantle Moriarty’s net, I met your Mum and started to survive again. She helped me getting better. And… I proposed. And Sherlock suddenly was back. Not dead. It had been my very dream for two years, you know... I had wished so hard for him not being dead... But... well I am a docotor and a soldier, it can hardly get more sensible so... I was wishing but not believing, and... But... suddenly he just was there... But… I… had been mourning for two years, I couldn’t suddenly jump back to… this was… and anyway you wouldn’t be there if I had. And I therefore married your Mum. You have the pictures. Sherlock was my best man at that wedding. He made it...”

He closed his eyes. His voice felt like squeezed out of his chest, he seemed to... force himself into speaking. This was difficult, I could see it.

“He made it... -he swallowed hard, licked his lips, shut his eyes- quite clear how he was feeling towards me during his best man speech. Too late, of course. I was… so lost and confused. It’s hard to explain. Anger, regrets, fear… not a nice cocktail. Your Mum and Sherlock didn’t go along very well. And he had actually failed at dismantling Moriarty’s net. So it all restarted again. Eventually… your Mum got shot. I moved back to 221B and… well… Sherlock and I talked. Or maybe I was the only one to talk... who knows. I don’t.”

He opened his eyes and rose his gaze to met mine. He smiled : “You made us actually talk. And… thanks to you… we were able to find some balance and to build something… really worth it. We were able to leave the past behind and to turn to future.”

“So why is that past coming back ?”

“Because I think there are some key points we... omit to discuss. And once again… we will have to talk, both of us this time, because of you.”

He smiled. Quite shyly.

“I will go home tonight. Greg is right, Sherlock needs me. He might behave as the biggest dick on earth... but this is just Sherlock being afraid and in need for a hug. I know it but damn... I’m just human, I can’t always be available on demand when my husband suddenly freaks out for reasons I don’t get and which will take days to work out of him... I’m no fucking psychiatrist and... arf, however… now that he knows I have my phone back, he will turn insane if I don’t text. I have to go home. And, anyway, Harry’s couch is by no means an option for a third night.”

My eyes went big : “You left your phone home on purpose ?!”

He smiled again. A sad smile. He scratched his head and went slowly up. He looked so tired. So… old.

“I think it’s better if I stay at Molly’s”.

“Yeah, I think so. Two people might be difficult for him to handle right now.”

I took my bag, closed my coat and was stepping out when he called me back :

“Rosie, love… I am proud of you. I am a really proud Dad of a wonderfull daughter. Thank you for being who you are. Times are a bit… stormy right now but don’t worry. This ship will navigate safely back to harbour. I promise.”

I just nodded.

Harbour, harbour… meanwhile, I would have to investigate harder.

Today nothing happened. I told Yifan and Kiara about all this and they decided to get involved as well. Time for them to investigate too. Tonight I am still not going home. Daddy wrote something about not to worry but the flat (the ***flat***) needed some... cleaning. Sherlock and himslef would wait for me tomorrow evening. Molly knew and was not surprised when I showed up after school. Stella came over with some funny cupcakes and it was a nice evening after all. And Yifan is investigating on the internet. So... wait and see ! :)