#like i legit almost cried and now i have a headache from it and it makes me feel pathetic like i'm nearing 30 this is so fucking stupid

[beehop]

i dislike the dentist for so many reasons but what is it about them that can just make you feel like a berated small child who has done something wrong but doesn't quite understand why they are getting scolded

[sleepysnk]

we all needed this, especially right now with the current events in the manga. i love Jean and he has always been a favorite character of mine, he deserves a happy ending 😔💗. enjoy these!

Dad Headcanons

Characters: Jean Kirstein

Warnings: Mentions of NSFW (not a lot), pregnancy, birth

Jean Kirstein:

- Jean is definitely a guy to pull out, but this time things got a little crazy and he actually ended up doing it inside of you. of course you didn't really think anything of it, your mind was in pure bliss.

- that's when about 3 or 4 weeks later, you began to feel sick. you weren't yourself at all, you were tired, sleeping in late, having headaches, and you started throwing up a lot. it concerned Jean a lot considering he cared about you.

- Jean was so worried 😔 he definitely stayed up during the night making sure you didn't throw up, he also got you anything you needed. Whether it be snacks, water, cuddles, he was there to give you whatever you needed.

- when you found out you were pregnant, it was at an usual doctor's visit. your blood work showed it all and Jean couldn't be more excited to start a new chapter with you, it was so exciting. he almost cried too 🥺.

- Jean instantly became protective and careful with you, he didn't want anything happening to his child and he would do anything to keep you both safe.

- he understood all the symptoms, he called up his mom and told her about it all. she gave him tons of advice on how to deal with the morning sickness, constant peeing, mood swings, etc. she was very supportive and occasionally she would come over and help you out.

- he fell in love with the bump 🥺 you guys took pictures together and they were so adorable. he kisses the bump often and he'd put his hand over it to feel the baby 🥰.

- Jean wanted a girl so bad, he deadass would talk about raising a little girl with you. it was literally all he talked about, when you found out you were having a girl, he couldn't contain his excitement. he legit lost it 😭.

- he definitely gets a kick out of you waking up to pee so many times 😭, sometimes he'll count and make fun of you. all jokes though.

- watching you get big was definitely something he loved to watch, he felt like it went by so fast and he couldn't wait to meet your little girl 🥺. Jean would kiss your bump every night and lay his head on your belly.

- when your water broke Jean wasn't even there, he was with Connie when Sasha called him yelling about it. he deadass dropped what he was doing and rushed to the hospital with Connie by his side 😭.

- this baby was a mess 🥺 he kept apologizing for not being there, but you assured him he was okay and that you were glad he was there.

- it was a long process, he definitely had a hard time hearing you cry and scream in pain. he held your hand, kissing it softly so it could provide some ease with the pain. Connie and Sasha were there for support 😔.

- eventually when you gave birth he was so so happy. he cried 🥺 he held his daughter for the first time and broke down sobbing, she was so beautiful to him. he loved her.

- Jean literally would never let go of her, he was so astonished by her. like... he had this 'i made this' mindset 😭.

- he stayed by your side making sure you were okay, he told you how much he loved you and how amazing you did.

- the first few weeks home were a bit hectic, you never wanted to sleep more than you did now and it was a very tiring process. luckily, you had Jean around to help you.

- Jean would wake up most of the time, he knew how tired you were, so he took the upper hand and fed your daughter, changed her diaper, etc. he was surprisingly so good at it 🥺, he learned a lot when his mom would come over.

- HE WOULD SPOIL HER ROTTEN. she was his little princess and he felt like she deserved the best.

- Jean would buy those cute little footie pajamas for her to wear 😭💗, this baby would be dressed in the cutest little outfits ever. Jean knew how to dress her.

- you would sometimes wake up to him sleeping on the couch with her in his arms, it was definitely something you loved to see 🥺 it was so adorable.

- Jean would teach her how to crawl and he'd even try to teach her random things 😭.

- "Jean.. she's five months old.. she can't understand a word you're saying"

- "babe you never know till you try.. now, say dad!"

- her first words were 'mama' and Jean was salty asf.

- Jean is a stuffed animal guy, he bought her so many stuffed animals and plushies that you even couldn't believe the huge amount. her favorite was a pink teddy bear with a heart on it's cheek, she would never let it go.

- he taught her how to walk, this man was so determined to teach her how to walk. when she took her first steps, he was so excited and he jumped around. IT WAS SO ADORABLE 🥺.

- CONNIE AND SASHA ARE THE PERFECT AUNT AND UNCLE IDC.

- he's so so thankful for you and your daughter. he tells you late at night how much he loves you and he feels so blessed to have you both in his life 🥺..

- "i'm so blessed to have you and our daughter in my life (y/n).. i couldn't ask for better from you."

- he wants many more, trust me on that.

- Jean is an amazing dad to this little girl. you can't change my mind.

[honey-subs]

an angst/fluff one: you're working for ceo!jinyoung (he looks so good in suits it should be illegal istg) as his personal assistant. he actually likes you quite a lot but due to the stress of being the ceo of one of the biggest companies he had to push you around all day not even being able to give you a minute to catch your breath if he wanted to. he still always kept a good eye on you though making sure that you're doing okay but that one time he hadn't been there you fainted (part 1)

part 2 to the ceo!jinyoung one he had been in a when it happened, you were on your way to make some copies taking the stairs as the elavator was broken. you hadn't been feeling well all morning but you forced yourself to work knowing that your boss (whom you had a crush on) needed your help. someone called out for you from behind as you nearly reached the bottom you spun around a bit too quickly as suddenly everything was spinning and you lost balance falling down the couple of stairs

this is legit turning into a secnario 3rd and last part (i hope) : an employee rushed into the meeting breaking jinyoung off. jinyoung was known for being a kind man as every employee was swooning for him because of his looks and personality, but the fact that the meeting had been quite important made him turn to the worker in annoyance, cocking an eyebrow at her. but before he could say anything he was broken off by her only now noticing how distressed the woman in front of him looked.

ceo!jinyoung second last part "it's y/n" she said, eyes watering as her voice quivered. jinyoung got worried he had a soft spot for you and this situation didn't look good. "where is she?" jinyoung asked not even caring what was up. he needed to get to you, to see you and hold you if you were in pain.. professionalism be damned. the woman told him where to find you and he rushed out after hastily dismissing everyone from the meeting. he ran to his office where you apparently were.

ceo!jinyoung (not) last part he ran to his office not caring how his own employees eyed him as he ran down the halls of the building. when he burst through the door there you were positioned on the small couch. he crouched down in front of you, wincing as he saw the small bruise on your cheek. he nudged you awake cautiously, when you woke up you told him everything that you remembered about. he took you into his trained arms after you finished. (still isn't the last part like i expected lmao)

ceo!jinyoung "can't you take care of yourself? i nearly had a heart attack when i heard about something happening to you. i thought that maybe you-" he stumbled over his own words pulling you even closer. you only realized what was happening when you felt a wet patch on your shoulder. jinyoung was crying. the strong ceo everyone admired, your crush was crying.. over you. you tried to pull away to look at him but he didn't let you. "can we just stay like this? i thought i lost you."

i gave up numbering the parts lmao- he never showed his vulnerability or softness to you so you were quite confused when he cried holding onto you for dear life. he eventually calmed down not daring to look at you, so you decided to take matters into your own hands. "why are you like this?" you asked him carefully as he was still your employer, you were on thin ice right now. "because i like you." shock was evident on your face. jinyoung took it as a bad sign. (jinyoung is a softie lmao)

ceo!jinyoung last part "y- you like me?" you stuttered out and jinyoung looked at you pain flashing in his eyes as he prepared himself for rejection. he nodded watching your reaction carefully. "it's okay.. i get it." he mumbled about to stand up but you turned him back to you. "i like you too you idiot." and with that you pressed your lips onto his your tounges fighting for dominance but as a whine left jinyoungs mouth you took control.. leaving the rest to your imagination lmao

CEO - Park Jinyoung

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

⤷pairing - jinyoung x (could be gender neutral?) reader

⤷genre - angst, fluff

⤷summary - the summary is basically up there lmfao aosjejsksj

⤷warnings -sub!jinyoung, dom!reader, fainting, boss x employee relationship, suggestive, mentions of injuries

⤷notes - long asf, so grab some popcorn.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you knew the moment you accepted the job that your work would be hard. but did you imagine it’d be this hard? hell no. you’d never wanted to cuss out an inanimate object more tham right now — this morning as you woke up. you threw an arm over your eyes as you huffed out a sigh. you threw the blankets off your body and got up to get ready for the stressful day ahead. you didn’t really feel well, it felt like your head was splitting, and you tired to ignore it as you made your way to the bathroom.

you rolled your eyes as you looked at your reflection in the mirror, scoffing as you reached for a tooth brush. you had to rush a bit, moving quickly around your house as you multitasked — brushing your teeth as you searched for an outfit in your closet. you finally settled on some ripped skinny jeans and an oversized shirt.

you return to the bathroom to finish brushing your teeth, and eventually struggle to put on your outfit for the day. you finally exited your room and went to the kitchen to grab a banana nut muffin as your small breakfast. you hurry out or the door, yelling out a goodbye to your still-asleep-roommate.

it was a struggle to get through the bustling streets of your city, mumbling excuses as you pushed your way through the crowd. you sighed and shook your head when you made it to the coffee shop that your boss favored. the barista smiled at you, already knowing what you wanted before you even opened your mouth to speak.

“here you go, y/n! i hope your day goes well.” she says apologetically, knowing how hard mr. park could be on people, especially assistants. you smiled back at her before rushing out of the door with a goodbye.

it’s not that long of a walk to the office building you worked in, so you didn’t complain too much on the way there. mr. park operated in a tall business building, around 60 floors in the building alone; not including other branches that held specific professions. you pulled open the doors of the main building, and walked in — ready to start your long work day.

you too the elevator all the way up to the top floor, the 60th floor. you knock on the door three times, signifying that it was you and not anyone else. “come in.” your heard his smooth silky voice from inside the room, so you pushed the door open to step inside. he was standing up and fixing some misplaced files on his desk. he gave you a firm smile as he looked up for a split second.

mr. park himself couldn’t deny the bubbly feeling in his stomach he had when he saw you enter his office. he tried his best to push it down so that it wouldn’t interfere with his workplace. he hoped you didn’t notice the pink blush that spread across the tips of his ears.

“here’s your coffee, sir.” you place the coffee in a holder on his desk. and you don’t notice it — which he’s thanking the gods for. “thank you.” he says, not looking up, being more focused on his desk than you. finally, he does look up and he has a thick stack of papers in his arms. “here. take these, make around... 200 copies? thanks.” he gives you yet another tight smile. “is there anything else you need, mr. park?” you ask, a fake smile plastered to your face. “actually yes, after you make the copies, i need you to go to each wing and make sure they have the copies they need, if they don’t make a hundred per wing. i also want you to make sure checks are filed. i’ll be in a meeting later at about four, so i need you to clean my office a bit, thanks.” he says, moving to sit down. he hopes that was enough to keep you busy for the rest of the day so he wouldn’t have to suffer seeing your beautiful face again, he probably wouldn’t be able to control his words or blush if he saw you again.

you try to keep your look of disdain and annoyance off your face as the paper weighed your arms down. “anything else?” you asked through gritted teeth. “no, that’s all.” you exit the door, and exhale once you’re out. your headache has gotten worse since you left your apartment, almost loosing your balance as you became stressed at the mere thought of all you had to do. you huffed out a breath and got to work on going to the copy room.

as you’re on your 199th copy, your grumbling to yourself and shaking your head. ‘he’s lucky i have feelings for him.’ you thought to yourself, rolling your eyes. if you didn’t have feelings forhim, you most likely would’ve quit by now. the 200 copies you needed were finally finished, and you took them all, plus the originals, back up to his office via elevator.

“here are your papers, mr. park.” you told him, quickly pushing the papers onto his desk so you could do the task he had set for you next. “y/n, wait.” he told you, fixing his suit and tie, and trying to keep from stuttering out his sentence. “my meeting got pushed forward, so could you clean my office now before you do everything else, thanks.” it wasn’t a question, it was more of an order. he let his eyes linger onto you to make sure you were okay with all the tasks he pushed onto you — and you seemed okay for the most part. he pushed past you to leave his office and go to his meeting.

you heard the door close behind you, and you allowed your hands to fall to your sides with a slap. you sighed, and winced as a wave of pain from your headache washed over you. you groaned, doing your best to start cleaning. his office would be easy to clean, it wasn’t messy per se, it was just cluttered. you fixed papers around the room and put things in their respective places.

you were done quickly, within an hour or two, sighing as you shut off a light and left the office, on to do the next task. your headache-turned-migraine only got worse. you felt like you could’ve screamed when you found out the elevator was broken and out of order. you gifted your teeth and clenched your fists to keep from lashing out as you stomped your way to the stairs.

yet another wave of pain flowed through you as you made your way down the stairs. you paused for a moment to regain balance, placing your hand on the wall to steady yourself. “y/n? are you okay?” you spun around on your heel quickly to see who called for you. a major mistake.

it seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. your coworker looked at you with eyes wide with curiosity and concern. she still hadn’t register the fact that you were falling. your hand slipped off the wall, and your fell backwards. your migraine caused you to get dizzy with pain and fatigue, your eyes closing slowly. the last thing you saw was your coworker putting their hands over their mouth as they were frozen in place and watched you fall.

you felt your head tip back, and your back make contact with the hard edges of the stairs. your body folded and tumbled as continued to fall down the stairs. when the fuck did the staircase get so long? it felt like forever until you reached the ending stopping point, laying flat on your back. eyes closed.

the coworker couldn’t believe what she just saw. you were one of the most loved and important people at the business firm, and to watch you fall like that was scary. she immediately called for help, gaining he attention of many nearby people, telling them to help you to mr. parks office while she told mr. park himself.

she ran, as best she could considering her choice of shoes, towards the meeting room, barging in without making herself known. mr. park immediately turned to glare at one of his employees, and tell them off for interrupting the meeting, but he looked at the distress on her face and paused. “i-it’s y/n!” she says, eyes watering and tears beginning to fall. “what is it?” he asked urgently, moving towards her as he dismissed everyone from the meeting room. he put bass in his voice as he asked again. “what is it?” he stared her down. “she- she fainted as she was going to the west wing. she wasn’t moving after she fell!” she says, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

“take me to her,” he says, trying not to imagine the worst. she nods for a short second before hurrying out of the meeting room, and jinyoung was not on her heels. he couldn’t help the thoughts that took over his mind. if something terrible did happen to you, it would’ve been all his fault. his fault for working her so hard just for his selfish benefit — so he could mask his own feelings.

she pushed open the door and allowed jinyoung to enter first before she did. he could feel his heart crumple at the sight of you, laying unmoving and unconscious on the small black couch in his office. “can you um, can you give us some alone time?” he asked, walking forward. the coworker along with the other two people in the room nodded, leaving immediately.

he looked down at you, biting his lip as he tried not to show his most vulnerable emotion. you were covered in bruises and marks, and apparently they had a doctor come because there was a bandage wrapped around your back and your head, and probably another place he couldn’t see. the moment he freed his lips from his teeth, it quivered immediately.

he wasn’t an emotional person, but seeing the person he was most likely in love with in a state like this, really broke him. he pulled up a chair and sat down, leaning his head forward.

he sat like that for awhile, ignoring everyone when they came and told him to eat. “why does everything hurt?” he looked up instantly to see you wincing as you tried to move. “my chest feels like that one time i had a cigarette. teen me lived for danger.” you mumbled, moving a hand to cup your head where you felt bandages. (i really hope someone got that reference) “hey, hey, hey, wait, you shouldn’t be moving so much.” he murmured, slowly leaning you back so that you were resting on a pillow again. “what happened? are you okay?”he asked, swelling the lump that formed in his throat.

“i’m fine. i guess i fainted..? the last things i remember are heading to the west wing to check on them, and someone called my name. i turned around to fast i guess and fell. i wasn’t feeling well prior to that though.” you explained, straining to remember what happened. he chewed on his lips, taking a deep breath. “can’t you take care of yourself? i thought something happened to you and you almost gave me a heart attack. everything would’ve been my fault and i just-“ he paused his words and leans forward, engulfing you in a hug. unsurely, you wrapped your arms around him as well.

soon you felt a wet patch on your shoulder. it shocked you a bit. everyone thought of him as this strong and thoughtful and all powerful CEO, yet here he was, crying over you because he thought he lost you. you pulled away slowly, trying to meet his eyes. he kept his head down, a slight sniffle came from him as he wiped his eyes and his nose. “are you okay, mr. park?” you asked, using a soft and comforting tone. he let out a bitter laugh. “it would’ve been all my fault. you would’ve- something terrible could’ve happened to you and it would’ve been because of me. because i couldn’t face my own feelings.” he smiled for a split second to keep more tears from spilling.

“what?” you asked confusedly, maybe it was the concussion, but nothing seemed to be making sense. “i like you, at this point maybe even love you. i understand its wrong because i’m your boss but the thought of loosing you today just broke me.” he said, sniffling again with a bitter smile. you couldn’t control the expression of shock on your face as your eyes widened considerably. your crush and boss just admitted his feelings for you.

“you like me?” you asked slowly, processing the information. clenching his jaw, he nodded, preparing himself mentally and emotionally for rejection and heart break. “i- uh, i completely understand.” he cracks a small smile. he begins to get up. “i’ll leave you alone so you can process every-“ you pull him down by his tie so that he was on top of you on the couch. you connected your lips with his slowly. he easily allowed you dominance which was surprising.

the both of you pulled away breathlessly. “i like you too.” you told him as you watched his cheeks tent red. he peels himself away from you, opting to sit beside you. it’s amazing how shy he got instantly after you pulled away, ears red as he played with his fingers. “i hope you know this means that i’m not taking my eyes off you. y’know, to make sure you don’t get hurt again,” he says with a nervous laugh.

“i won’t mind that.” you tell him, pulling him towards you again.

[tryingtobeclassy]

mark lee . . . will you like, marry me?

genre: Mark x reader, best friends au, wedding au

description: Mark and y/n have been best friends for years. And they stay friends until the end. But a night filled with drinks and friends also leads them to a wedding.

word count: 3.5 k

warnings: swearing, alcohol

.         .         .          .          .

There are some mornings when you just know it’s not gonna be a good day. Whether it’s a feeling that gets under your skin, all the way to your bones, or in your case, a terrible hungover. Slowly waking up and blinking your eyes open you could feel a headache already attacking your head. And starting a day with a headache is starting the day in a shitty way. Your body felt heavy and sweaty and the comfiness of the bed didn’t help to feel any better.

Some sunlight managed to make its way through the window and directly into your eyes, making you turn around to the other side, the world turning with you as your head was about to explode. You were still half asleep, just barely having your eyes opened. Looking in front of you something felt out of place. As if it doesn’t belong there. A few more blinks, trying to push the sleep away. And then it finally clicked.

You weren’t lying in your bed. And to top that off, there was someone with you in the bed. Better yet it was Mark. Peacefully sleeping a few inches away from you.

You suddenly screamed as realization hit you and tried to get out of the bed, but your clumsy ass managed to get all tangled up in the sheets and not very gracefully fall to the ground. All of that got Mark woken up as well so already the next moment your screaming was accompanied with his as well.

“What the fuck are you doing?” you yelled at him.

“Me? I was sleeping before you decided to aggressively wake me up.”

“Okay but why am I sleeping in your bed?” you asked and scanned him for a second. “And why are you without a shirt?”

He opened his mouth about to say something but stopped before words got out. He suddenly looked very confused and pointed a finger at you. “I have no idea.”

You were interrupted the next moment as Johnny slammed the door open to check out what’s the reason behind all the noise. “What is happening here?”

“That’s what I’d like to know as well”, you muttered, but Johnny managed to catch that.

“You don’t remember?” he asked.

Both you and Mark immediately said no in unison which made Johnny’s face light up with a sly smirk.

“That face doesn’t look good”, Mark said nervously, already expecting the worst.

“Oh, god, did we fuck?” you screamed as that was the first answer you could pull out of that smirk Johnny had going on.

Mark jumped in his spot, not knowing how to react to your question but realizing it is a possibility, while Johnny just burst out literally yelling as he laughed. “No. Don’t worry”, he said once he managed to catch some breath.

You sighed with relief. Mark and you have been best friends for a while. You went through a lot together, but having sex definitely isn’t something you wanted on the list of things you shared and everything up to that moment kinda leaned towards that scenario so you were relieved when you found out the worst was out of the way.

“So what did happen?” Mark asked.

Another devilish smile formed on Johnny’s face. He took a dramatic pause before finally saying: “You two got married.”

Both of you stared at him for a few seconds while your still tired brains were processing that simple piece of information.

“Excuse me, what?” you asked while frowning, your eyebrows almost pierced together into one.

Mark was silent for a little while longer, looking like he’s deep in thought, before his thinking face softened and he was just “oh, right”.

“Come and eat breakfast and I’ll refresh your memory of what happened”, Johnny said lastly and left the room leaving you two alone.

…

the night before

You were staring at your empty bottle of beer, well aware that another would be a mistake as you were already feeling pretty drunk. But your stupidity was stronger than rational thinking at that moment so you still ended up being like ‘fuck it’ and ordering another one.

When Mark invited you out that night to hang out with some of his friends, you were expecting a chill night. A beer or two and then going home and being in bed by midnight. But turns out you were wrong. As it was almost 1 am and no one was showing signs of soon ending the night.

“We should go and do something fun”, Yeri suggested, one of your closest friends you basically dragged anywhere.

“I wanna dance”, Yuta yelled and started shimming with his shoulders.

“There’s a pretty cool club nearby”, Johnny inserted himself into the conversation.

The whole table was soon enough debating what would be interesting to do next as your butt cheeks were starting to ache from all the sitting.

“Christ, I don’t know if I’m in condition for any of that”, you said throwing your head back and leaning on the wall behind you, the entire picture in front of you moving with you and shaking into one blurry mess.

“You wanna go grab some fresh air?” Mark asked you, seeing how absolutely out of it you are.

“Sounds like a good idea.”

Moments later you managed to squeeze yourself out of the place and outside the bar. It was a pretty chilly night, but it wasn’t stopping a bunch of people to crowd in front of it to smoke a cigarette or two. Your body shook the moment the coldness hit it and you felt like it crawled under your skin all the way to the pits of your soul.

“Fuck it’s cold”, you whined.

Without saying anything else, Mark was already taking off his jacket and throwing it around your shoulders.

“What would I do without you?” you said, your tone more joking, but Mark knew you actually meant it.

“Probably die honestly”, he said making both of you laugh.

It’s true. As awkward and sometimes emptyheaded Mark could be, he was no where near your level of walking around like a living disaster – only the remaining two braincells bouncing around in your head. You two would always be up for dumb shit together, but it was no secret that a lot of times Mark was basically your babysitter.

“You shouldn’t have let me drink that third shot I took”, you said while grabbing your head.

The fresh air was actually doing wonders. You felt some of the dizziness going away, but for all of it, it’s gonna take a day of just laying around and peeing and sweating all the alcohol out of yourself.

“I realized it was a mistake only after you drank it and almost cried over cats five minutes later.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Honestly, I’d probably almost cry over cats even sober.”

“That’s valid.”

The concept of time left you a long time ago that night so you weren’t quite sure how long you were sitting outside on the edge of the sidewalk, just praying that a taxi wouldn’t come by and make you get up from your places. But it was probably quite a while.

“I still remember that one time you got even drunker than tonight at Johnny’s party. That was a wild night”, he smiled while remembering the memories.

You scrunched your face for a moment, trying to remember what he was talking about. “You mean when I hugged you like ten times and didn’t stop saying ‘this friendship is for life’?”

“That’s the one.”

“Lord, why am I so cheesy when I’m drunk?” you said, acting as if you’re embarrassed.

And then a thought popped into your head. A really dumb thought. Really really dumb. “I have an idea.”

Mark looked at you with anticipation, his eyes sparkling in the light making him look like a small cute kid.

“Let’s get married.”

He stared at you for a few seconds before bursting out laughing. But seeing how serious you were he tried to collect himself. “Are you serious?” he asked a half nervous smile staying on his lips.

“I mean if you’re up for it.”

“Wait lemme think about it”, he answered very seriously, but you weren’t sure how hard could he possibly think about it since he wasn’t all that less drunk than you were.

“Sure, I’m in”, he said after a few moments of silence.

Your mind just blacked out for a second. “For real?” you asked as only at that moment it truly hit you what you offered. And it was motherfucking marriage.

You weren’t sure if it was the alcohol. The fact that you never really thought getting married was a big deal especially since you could always get a divorce. Or if it was both. Or maybe something else. But you didn’t think much of it and both of you got mad hyped the next second and started jumping around and cheering.

“Shit, wait”, Mark suddenly stopped, his enthusiasm just vanishing as a serious face replaced it.

You looked at him confused. How he was grabbing one of the rings on his hand and suddenly kneeling down on one knee. Your hands automatically went up to your mouth to supress a surprised gasp making everything look like a legit proposal. In the night with the flickering street lights around you and almost romantic cold mist stretching through the streets.

“y/n, will you like, marry me?” he asked, the cutest smile forming on his lips.

“Fuck yes I will!”

He softly grabbed your hand, his own hands being so much warmer than your that you enjoyed his touch way more than you’d like to admit yourself. He put his ring on which almost instantly slipped to the ground as it was way too big for your hand.

“I’ll just put it on my thumb for now”, you said and laughed while he was getting up from the ground and taking you in a proper huge bear hug. You felt warm and safe for the few seconds he hugged you like that but were brought back into reality when the smokers crowding on the streets started cheering for you obviously believing you were a proper newly engaged couple.

Once you slid back into the bar and back into the booth the rest was sitting, Mark enthusiastically exclaimed: “Guess who just got married?”

Everyone looked pretty puzzled by the question.

“I literally could not care less”, Haechan said and went back to his beer looking uninterested.

“You?” Yuta asked but was obviously joking which also made him look completely shocked the next moment when you confirmed his answer. “Fucking pardon?”

Most were thinking that you were just messing with them, but Johnny and, ironically, Haechan were the first two to absolutely love the idea and get super into it. “I’m looking up places where you guys can get married right now”, he said while whooping out his phone.

“Are you sure about this?” Doyoung asked, some worry appearing in his eyes. “I mean it’s a pretty big deal.”

“Oh god, don’t be such a boomer, Doyoung”, Haechan protested. “It sounds like fun and that’s all that matters.”

“I’m obviously gonna be your maid of honor?” Yeri asked despite already knowing the answer.

“Obviously.”

The chaos soon erupted at the table. More than half of them got hyped over it in a matter of seconds while the others were trying to explain to you how the idea might not be the best one and how you could seriously regret it once you sober up.

“That’s gonna be a sober me problem then”, you said while nonchalantly waving your hand.

“There’s a wedding chapel like half an hour away with a car”, Johnny interrupted and most of you cheered.

“Let’s get it”, Mark yelled while getting up and so it was in process.

You had a ring, the place was decided. Johnny got extremely into it and ordered some people to get a bouquet and wedding rings while he’d drive with you two, Yuta and Yeri to the chapel and finish all the needing documentation before the rest would arrive.

“Aren’t you a bit too into this?” Yuta laughed while Johnny was drifting through the streets.

“Mark is like my little brother. The only thing I can do is make this the best night of his life”, he joked.

“Every night he spends with me is the best night of his life”, you said acting as cocky as possible while flipping some strands of your hair like a true diva.

“I’m truly blessed to have you”, he followed your act and squeezed your hand while trying to pull of a stare filled with love.

“Ew can you two stop flirting?” Yeri interrupted, a look of true disgust on her face.

“You haven’t seen the horror that’s Mark trying to flirt for real”, Yuta said and you could basically hear a satisfying grin in his voice.

“That’s cold, bro.”

Thanks to Johnny driving like an actual maniac, you arrived sooner than you expected. The place looked quite cute. Like a little church. But pink. It was obnoxiously pink, especially inside, but you kinda liked the tacky vibe it had going on.

“How can I help you?” a lovely young woman at the reception asked.

“We would like to get married if that’s okay?” you said while trying to come off as sober as humanly possible.

She eyed you for a second. If the way you acted didn’t give you away, your breath probably did. But she probably wasn’t all that concerned with it. After all, as long as you paid, she didn’t really give a fuck who and why is getting married.

“And who’s the happy couple?”

Mark gestured at him and you which made the woman shortly congratulate you before she asked for your identification documents and talked you through a bunch of other legal stuff. After around fifteen minutes the most important paper was out that was basically saying you two would be married after signing it.

“One last check, are you absolutely sure about this?” you asked Mark dead serious.

“I’m not backing off now, baby.”

A smile shined on your face once again and you confidently grabbed the pen and signed the paper. You were pretty sure you would be regretting it the next morning, but you didn’t really care. After all what’s the worst to come out of it. You’ll just have to get a divorce at one point, but all the jokes and stories you’ll have will be worth such a minor inconvenience.

The woman told you to wait on the benches in front for a while before the priest is ready. In the meantime, everyone else also showed up, excitedly showing what they got.

“The bouquet is gorgeous”, you said while staring at all the colourful flowers.

You were especially surprised with the rings. Cause apparently they were some cheap crap yet they still somehow looked simple and elegant.

“Wait”, Yeri suddenly yelled, jumping to her feet, her eyes wide. “Who’s gonna walk you down the aisle?”

“Oh, shit, I forgot about that.”

“I wanna do it”, Jungwoo said enthusiastically raising his hand up, looking like a little kid in the process.

You eyed him for a second. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

And just like that everything you could think of was planned out and covered. Soon enough it was finally time to get in. While waiting in front with Jungwoo, you could feel your heart finally starting to act up as the situation finally got processed properly by your brain.

“You okay?” Jungwoo asked worried as he looked at your nervous face and how you constantly wiped your sweaty palms against your pants.

“I’m a bit nervous”, you said. “Excited, but nervous.”

“That’s normal”, he comforted you, sounding like some wedding pro who knows exactly how people feel in these situations. He then reached for one of his jacket pockets and pulled out a little bottle. “We got some whiskey if you want.”

At first you were a bit shocked at him pulling that out from out of nowhere in this moment, but you still took it and gulped a sip. “Thanks”, you said and he gave you a warm and reassuring smile.

It took about five minutes before everyone was seated and the music finally started. You took Jungwoo under his arm and with the bouquet in the other one slowly made your way down the aisle. Everyone stared at you and looked happy and excited. And at the end was Mark. Waiting for you. His eyes sparkling once again, his little smile making him even cuter than he usually is. Once Jungwoo walked you all the way to the front, Mark softly grabbed your hands into his and a feeling of warmth washed over you.

“This is kinda weird”, you whispered to him.

“I know”, he whispered back and you both softly laughed.

“Shall we begin?” the priest asked.

The ceremony was short and sweet. The priest was probably well aware that all of you were drunk and your attention span was at the minimum. You for one were barely paying any attention. You were mostly focused on Mark and how he’d giggle from time to time, his nose scrunching a bit and just looking all cute and precious. You never really stared at him for so long before so this was the first time you got to really appreciate this cuter side of him.

“y/n?” Mark called your name quietly.

“What?”

“The vows.”

“Oh, crap, right.”

You stopped for a second trying to figure out what to say, but your brain was mostly blacking out and not working straight. “I promise that I will not be just your wife, but your best friend. Forever”, you somehow managed.

“And I promise that I’ll always be by your side and take care of you. Even during the stupidest of your ideas.”

Something about the vows felt quite real and you couldn’t help yourself not to smile for a bit. You smiled again when Haechan brought the rings and Mark carefully grabbed your hand putting the little silver ring on. And you did the same. It felt almost weird doing it. You always expected to do it with someone you love with your entire being. And you did love Mark a whole lot, but just in a completely different way. You never, not even in your wildest dreams or fantasies, ever thought of Mark actually putting a wedding ring on you yet here you are.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife”, the priest said and you saw a huge smile shine on Mark’s face. “You may kiss the bride.”

For a second you just looked at each other awkwardly as if both of you forgot this was part of the ceremony. But exchanging a few glances, you agreed on just a tight friendly hug.

“He said kiss the bride, not hug her like some pussy”, Johnny protested from the side making the entire chapel cheer in unison.

Mark glanced at you one last time before he lightly pulled your hands closer to himself and quickly leaned in for a kiss. You felt his soft lips against yours for a second, tasting like alcohol and mint, and already the next one they were gone. Leaving you to your surprise to almost wish for the moment to last longer.

But you were soon pulled back into reality as everyone else started screaming and cheering. From all the noise you somehow managed to hear someone yelling to throw the bouquet so with barely any coordination you did so, hitting Jungwoo in the face in the process.

The moment felt unreal. It felt exciting and like pure joy. Something you expected from a real wedding as well. Everyone was happy. Everyone was up on their feet celebrating. Mark gave you another tight hug even pulling you up from the floor slightly, making you smile even harder. You took a picture with the priest who turned out to be a young really cool dude and like that the wedding was done, the memory created.

You went into the nearest bar for one last round of drinks and once the bartender heard you just got married, the drinks were on the house. Your heart felt full. Your cheeks were basically hurting from smiling so much. You never knew that a moment like that would happen. A marriage that’s basically fake and only legal could make you so incredibly happy.

You didn’t go home that night. Instead you went to Mark’s place that he shared with some of the guys. You both laid in his bed for a long time. Just talking. Laughing about the night. Laughing about so many other stuff. At one point you could feel his hand sneakily grabbing yours and you didn’t protest. It felt warm and nice to be held in his. You felt safe. You felt happy to be so close to him. So close to your new husband.

[lansizhuis]

WEILAN FIC REC

It's as the title says - the five times Shen Wei did a horny grip™ because let it be known that while Zhao Yunlan is explicitly shamelessly thirsty, Shen Wei is equally as thirsty but in a more lowkey manner. Oh, and of course, WeiLan as lesbians can't be passed up for this.(gift fic for taki who introduced the weilan lesbian agenda to me!)Hello! I finally had some time (spoiler: I actually didn’t but I can always have time for my dads) to properly make a compilation of WeiLan fanfic recommendations. I included some CN ones bc I absolutely love them to bits and pieces and some WeiLan derivatives bc why not. 

Please click the kudos and leave a comment on the authors’ works to thank them and show your appreciation! <3 This will be updated periodically.

bc I’m shameless - imma shove my own weilan fics here

Title: Uhaw Summary: Shen Wei felt a smile on his face despite the seriousness of the situation. “Your loyalty will forever remain divided.” // “My loyalty is with you.” Zhao Yunlan declared. “Always has been, always will be.” [WEILAN MAFIA/GANGSTER AU 1/1] Notes: i was horny for weilan being horny for each other and being a power couple with some plot thrown in the mix im not sorry

Title: Devour Your God Summary: "The beast inside him howls and the inhumane thunderous chanting resounds in the beautiful ghost king. You remember don’t you? The more beautiful the ghost...the more terrifying."

[a look through shen wei's eyes as he goes through kunlun's multiple reincarnations until zhao yunlan; novel-compliant and shen san extra hints but should be spoiler free 1/1] Notes: sometimes we’re also sad in our weilan lives but do know they get their happy ending anyway

Title: Earlier On Summary: Zhao Yunlan starts remembering his life as Kunlun months after he first entered the world and his only clue resides on that creature (because his adult brain is now telling his baby brain that that wasn't a human) robed in white with a golden mask peering down on his crib. Notes: [novel-verse gift fic for orro AKA babey zhao yunlan having adult brain/memories who’s everyone’s source of headache]

Title: Five Times Shen Wei Did A Horny Grip Summary: It's as the title says - the five times Shen Wei did a horny grip™ because let it be known that while Zhao Yunlan is explicitly shamelessly thirsty, Shen Wei is equally as thirsty but in a more lowkey manner. Oh, and of course, WeiLan as lesbians can't be passed up for this. Notes: (gift fic for taki who introduced the weilan lesbian agenda to me!)

Title: Some Things Stay The Same and Some Don't  Summary: “Xiao Wei,” Zhao Yunlan called in a serious voice making Shen Wei stiffen in attention, “Your boobs are actually big, aren’t they?” Shen Wei almost slipped from her position at the unexpected - or well, this is Zhao Yunlan so perhaps ‘expected’ should be the term - comment. “Yunlan, honestly!” “No really, it’s bigger than mine.” “Everyone’s bigger than your tiny mangoes, stupid owner.” Da Qing laughed from the kitchen. “I think even Lin Jing and Lao Chu have bigger ones compared to you.” Notes: lesbian!weilans part 2 for emmy featuring the primordial gods, shen wei + mama zhao interaction, and kunlun taking in 2 ghost queens instead of just one

Title: Repercussions of Meddling Summary: “You know what the diviner’s instructions were, right? Gather the hallows and let fate run its course or else there can be dire consequences.” Zhao Yunlan clenched his fist as he recalls Shen Wei’s hardships paralleled with Ye Zun’s loss of sanity, the ghost lovers’ fate in an effort to protect him, the brewing war as the vision the hallows have given him on their deaths, and an ever burning flame on his soul as he watched Shen Wei disappear stay clear.“There can’t be anything more dire than that future.” The two leaders looked at each other meaningfully. “And if the bulk of the repercussions on you twisting the timeline falls on you?” Zhao Yunlan huffed in amusement and flipped his long hair to his back. “If I'm the one who has to pay then so be it.” Notes: aka ye zun is a bad influence to shen wei and add that in for 10,000 years where they're both awake, alive, and together waiting for a certain someone's reappearance in their lives --- THIS CAN GET DARK; drama canon divergence au where zhao yunlan as kunlun ends up saving ye zun in the past and meddling with time 

Title: A Path Back Home Summary: The Dixing kingdom's delegation set off for a peace treaty with the kingdom of Haixing as new tides of the world was coming. For some, this was a turning point for the three kingdoms. For Ye Zun and his father, this was a chance to bring back their two other family members home with them. The past retains its stories and secrets, the present shakes the foundations of everyone's belief, and the future is a path back home. (read a/n before reading!) Notes: weilan royalty a/b/o au aka the most self-indulgent fic (it wasn’t supposed to be multi-chap but brain said ‘world building’ and now i suffer)

Title: where everything converges Summary: collection for weilan week prompts - day 1: beginnings (SID+SW meets the youngest primordial god) day 3: au (tgcf au of god!ZYL and ghost king!SW) day 7: anniversary (there will come a day where SW wakes up to the 5,000 years and 1 day of being with ZYL)

Title: in all worlds and in all timelines Summary: collection of weilan prompts (do send some and i’ll see if i can write it!)

Title: The Power of Words Summary: “You have lived for as long as I have and so you must know that words have power. The likes of old sayings and proverbs hold a decree to them the longer it’s passed around from one breathing soul to another. They become entities and binding spells on their own through time.”

“What has that got to do with anything right now? Ghost Slayer, you are already treading a dangerous path with the choices you have made the past months. Do I still need to remind you of this?” the spirit asked.

The black robed creature acted as if he didn’t hear his companion and spoke once more. “I suppose it doesn’t matter right as of this moment,” he crossed his legs and continued, “Let me tell you a story; a secret.” Notes: it was supposed to be a oneshot but my need for novel shen wei characterization bled through so now it’s a 3shot *sigh* 

***

Title:  狗在江湖 Notes: this is a mix of novel and drama elements AND it’s a/b/o AND it has 30 chapters so obv i cried

Title: Sweet Dreams Summary:  朱白ABO，架空末世微悬疑。 Notes: okay so it was weird for me at first bc they were using zhubai’s names until i realized they were pertaining to weilan derivative in general AND OKAY LISTEN - the plot??? THE PLOT??? GLORIOUS

Title: 我说所有的酒都不如你 Summary: 这大概是一个东江二哈狼和东江气死猫你追我跑你继续追我假装跑你拼命追我跑不动了的爱情故事（。 Notes: 2Luo aka Luo Fusheng x Luo Fei weilan derivative and this is legit my favorite derivative fic!!! they mixed both dramas and fed me sentinel + guide trope AND THEN WOW PLOT

***

Title:  Black Cloak Reversed Summary:  Chief Zhao is a little too friendly with the Black-Cloaked Envoy. The members of the SID worry that he's being emotionally disloyal to Professor Shen. Notes: drama; zhao yunlan is a filthy, thirsty man and SID mourns over this fact

Title:  my heart broke loose on the wind Summary:  If Yunlan is going to learn how to make actual food that requires more effort than just boiling water and putting hot water into stuff, he’s going to have to take all the notes. “Right,” he says to himself. “How hard can it be?” He watches all twenty-two minutes and fourteen seconds of Chef Shen's video without fast-forwarding. When it comes to an end, he clicks on the replay button. He ends up taking zero notes, and the only thing he manages to learn from the whole exercise is that Chef Shen -Shen Wei- is really fucking beautiful when he smiles. Notes: au; alternative summary - ye zun: how thirsty are you for my bro zhao yunlan: thirsty? pls im a paragon of all things holy, i am a kind and generous citizen of the world, i am - ye zun: i can help you get in his pants  zhao yunlan: - thirsty af; i am very thirsty 

Title:  when we reunite, the world will tilt on its axis Summary:  Zhao Yunlan tries to figure out how he should approach the matter of young Shen Wei. Notes: drama; babey!shen wei who's so earnest and genuinely in-love ahhh im soft

Title:  Wild Thing, Stop Your Teasing Summary: Shen Wei’s eyelid twitch as Yunlan unwraps another lollipop, closes his spit-shiny lips around the spherical head while looking at Shen Wei under dark eyes and thick lashes. Fists clenched on his pant leg, Shen Wei swallows and tamps down the urge to grab Yunlan across the table. Notes: drama; when you think zhao yunlan's thirst has a limit - he goes an open his mouth but hey shen wei's head over heels thousands of years ago already anyway

Title:  Tease the Wild Thing Summary: Yunlan's POV from shaenanigans' awesome fic ''Wild Thing, Stop your Teasing''. Yeah, it's the one with the lollipops, and the porn with feels. You know. The Good Stuff. Notes: more weilan smut after the one above?? SIGN ME TF UP

Title:  without complexities or pride Summary:  “Kunlun Hall’s rules do not apply to you,” Yunlan says simply, moving to steep some tea for Shen Wei. “You are the Black Cloak Envoy. Lord Kunlun holds you in high regard.” “And you hold him in high regard,” Shen Wei adds before he’s able to stop himself. Shen Wei can hear the wretched jealousy in his own voice, and no doubt Yunlan can as well, because Yunlan’s smile turns sly, and his eyes are very knowing when he says, “In a way, I suppose I do.” Notes: (Or, the Not-Exactly-A-Courtesan!Yunlan fic.) >> im crying bc YES

Title:  Every ridge hand-picked by the late sun’s slant light Summary:  Zhao Yunlan gets up to greet this man, his destiny – who is currently scowling behind his fancy embroidered mask – and smiles as filthily as he can make it. Whatever else they might be to each other, Shen Wei has been taunting him for weeks. Zhao Yunlan is going to take him home and fuck him until he cries and he wants Shen Wei to know that. “Long time, no see,” he says. The Black Cloaked Envoy blanches. Notes: when i say i thirst for weilan papapa where shen wei loses his self control - I MEAN IT

Title:  that's where you belong Summary:  First of all, how dare Shen Wei. Second of all, Zhao Yunlan has been looking forward to this for like, as long as he's been aware that Shen Wei is an alpha. Third of all -- Notes: im crying bc all i ever wanted was for novel weilan's characterization bc i know their papapa would be the hottest with that and i have been fed with this need and even partnered w/ a/b/o trope /SOBS

Title:  Just Cared Too Much Summary:  Zhao Yun Lan found out his father was dead while he was pouring concrete down the throat of a backstabbing dickbag. “Chief, I'm sorry, the Boss is gone. Shot to the head, on his way to meet the Russians.” Notes: i was dying to have a mafia au and this appeared THANK YOU; and def one of the other things that pushed me to finish my own mafia au for weilan lol

Title:  家教 - or - Domestic Education Summary:  Shen Wei is the Ghost King, born out of the unyielding chaos of entropy that had consumed the underworld before the creation of the wheel of reincarnation. He's the cosmic guardian of death and all her darlings, and the universe through the lens of his eye is rife with demons, hungry ghosts, and shadows creeping out of their places. So there is absolutely no way he is getting sick. Notes: im novel verse trash and we get that PLUS mama!zhao uhh hell yes???

Title:  Sarva Summary:  Or, 一切. At work, in public, Shen Wei is meticulously, seamlessly polite. In bed, he's something else. Notes:  this was the first weilan smut i read AND ALL THE YES BC SHEN WEI LOSING IT FOR ZHAO YUNLAN IS MY KINK

Title:  Future Forged Summary: Masquerading as Kunlun, Zhao Yunlan sets out on a mission to recover the stolen Hallows alongside the young Shen Wei. Along the way, he discovers new abilities, forges new bonds, unearths old histories, and learns that the universe goes beyond his wildest imagination. Notes: lol way better take on what happened during that time travel thing than what the drama had

Title:  who you allow Summary: But then Zhao Yunlan goes and gets a haircut, and Shen Wei. Pouts. For like three days. Notes: for the record - i, too, believe shen wei will pout bc of this

Title:  Significant Other Colour Summary: Collars are so old-fashioned and Zhao Yunlan can’t help but feel that there’s an ulterior motive hiding behind Shen Wei’s innocently widened eyes. Notes: tfw i've tried to bury my needs on acknowledging how shen wei canonically wants to lock up zhao yunlan and then this fic hits me - author pls let me love you (for y'all heed the warnings)

Title:  Afterimage Summary:  Zhu Yi Long is an awkward turtle. Now he has to deal with letting Shen Wei and Ye Zun go. Notes:  okay so im not really into fics on real people but this was done so well? it explores the effects of zhu yilong's method acting and sets straight that zhubai and weilan are not one and the same at the end of the day

Title:  Twill Seeker Summary: The young master has a thing for the butler. The butler is at the end of his rope. Notes: if anyone comes after me and my apparent need for butler shen wei and young master zhao yunlan, hide me

Title:  When You're Old, You Want To Celebrate Birthdays At Home Summary: Shen Wei comes home to a surprise. Notes: me, wiping a tear: oh look, a ye zun characterization i actually like even if he's mentioned only

Title:  do nothing day Summary:  “The stress of work is exhausting me and my wife is scolding me now,” Zhao Yunlan pretends to whine, hiding his face in the blankets. “You’ve seen who I work with, those stubborn kids who cause me nothing but trouble. You’re supposed to be on my side, meant to pity me when the world turns against me. I deserve this day off and I reserve the right to do as I please. And if I want to be a slug in the bed then that’s what I’m going to do.” Notes: "It’s so gentle that Shen Wei almost can’t stand it, the way Zhao Yunlan lets him do as he likes, just receiving whatever Shen Wei wants to give him. And there’s so much that Shen Wei wants to lavish onto his Zhao Yunlan." -- dont bother for the ambulance i know im DOA

Title:  Heat and Desire Summary: Five times Zhao Yunlan had an oral fixation and one time Shen Wei did something about it. Notes: "You tease me, Zhao Yunlan," Shen Wei whispers, his breath tickling against Zhao Yunlan’s ear. "You tease me and you tease me and you seem to think that I won't do anything about it." -- me, choking: IM FINE

Title:  Just A Phone Call Away Summary:  Chief Zhao gets hurt on a case and nobody wants to be the one to call Professor Shen and tell him.... Notes: SID family + shen wei's first reaction to the call??? sign me up

Title:  Never Losing You Summary:  Yunlan can't open his eyes, can't shut his mouth. Needy, keening noises pour out of his throat completely out of his control. Shen Wei's closed fist is around him, pumping fast and tight in rhythm to his fucking, making him see stars exploding behind closed eyelids, thoroughly engulfed by the incredible sensations racketing up and down his spine originating from where they're so deliciously joined. Shen Wei's other hand cradles his jaw, careful, reverent, but also serves to ground Yunlan to the bed so Shen Wei can fuck him harder, deeper. Notes: i can never have enough weilan papapa bc if canon doesn't give me the explicit juicy details then im turning to fic writers with metaphorical gold payment

Title:  third time's the charm Summary: “I’m what Da Qing likes to describe as ‘especially tenacious’ when I’m in heat, even more so when I have a specific Alpha in mind,” Yunlan tells him, casual. (Or, three times Shen Wei helps Zhao Yunlan through his heat.) Notes: me, looking through the window with a faraway look: a/b/o universe makes me weak even if it's not even explicit

Title: this secret language that we speak Summary: "If you don't want to do this any more," says Shen Wei, "you get off the couch, and we'll do whatever you want. Do you understand?" Zhao Yunlan is so hot he thinks he's going to light the couch on fire. He swallows and nods."I didn't hear you," says Shen Wei, implacable as death. "Do you understand?" Zhao Yunlan has to clear his throat, and when he manages to speak, his voice is gravelled with arousal. "Yeah. I do." "Good," says Shen Wei. Notes: i cried 69 times bc my horny ass is fed and jfc domineering shen wei??? *cries for the 70th time*

Title: Shen Wei Summary: Shen Wei loves Zhao Yunlan, and there is only so long he can feign otherwise. Notes: [Zhao Yunlan gives a small shrug, uninvested in the argument. “All right. And where do you belong?” Shen Wei freezes, flashes of memory assaulting him, of Kunlun’s skin hot against his, of promises moaned against each other’s necks. Inside you is all he can think.] BINCH I DIED AT THIS PART

Title: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This Summary: Zhao Yunlan jerks back to the waking world gasping and screaming and drowning in the anguish that comes with being lit on eternal consuming fire. The unmistakable rich copper taste of blood fills his mouth and he opens tear-filled bloodshot eyes that he was sure melted a long time ago with the rest of his physical body. He sees faces crowding around him in varying degrees of worry, but the pain blinds him from putting names to the faces. His throat feels raw, as if he'd been screaming for centuries and realizes on the next breath that he's been screaming a name. Shen Wei's name. Notes: drama-verse but a hopeful one TYL im here for the whole the last episode didn’t happen bc we can use the plot that the drama threw away lol

Title: Aftermath Summary: The fallout after the dust has settled. Notes: a look on what happened after the 4th extra in the novel; s o f t

Title: The world that we'll invent Summary: Shen Wei's self-control continues to be tested. Notes: [Nothing in Shen Wei's long existence has prepared him for the problem that is Zhao Yunlan.] >> honestly this is the summary of weilan in general 

Title: Quiet Heart, Hollow Body Summary: It has been ten thousand years since Shen Wei met Kunlun, but he could never forget the one who first saw beyond the mask of the Black Cloaked Envoy to the person beneath. Notes: im novel bias for so many reasons but this was absolutely amazing as a drama setting bc it /is/ closer to the novel setting bc shen wei was actually awake those 10,000 years so that desperation and intensity of novel!sw is closer here - really great read

last updated: March 2, 2020

[immortals-malec]

ok talk about why clac.e didn't work pls -deamaia

Oof rant here we go. let’s hope it all makes sense because i ramble a lot when i rant. For me it’s the damn writing for them is why c!ace didn’t work, (the chemistry is another one but the writing drives me nuts) So in s1, c!ace was developed as a somewhat high school/your basic white YA novel couple and they stay like this for the rest of the series, they never grew out of it. Until like their last damn scene in 3x22Most of their writing always fell flat in s1, the moments were either down right creepy or just look like they wanted to bang the entire time, they were supposed to have like romantic stepping stones for their relationship and yet, there was none, nothing felt romantic (this can fall on the no chemistry thing as well but I felt like it was the writing as well). But there was some moments you could be like okay cute, but you can realize everytime they had that ‘oh cute’ moment damn Ruelle was playing in the background so we can just thank her for that. Like in 1x11 they had like this moment about what happened in the TWI universe, they’re talking about how this is real and shit I’m like you are trying to tell me that what they said in the AU world is what they felt? Sh!Jace was there for like two seconds and got stabbed! And sh!Clary legit faded out of existence for awhile there, how did she know how that Clary felt??? I was so confused it was supposed to be a romantic moment and yet it confuses the fuck out of me.  S2 things just get worse because of siblings plot shit and the fact is they still try to move them along as a couple but just ended up making them have a brotherly-sisterly bond, and the fact is they probably could’ve ended the plot sooner but choose not to and show us Clary moving on with Simon and Jace sleeping with people to forget he’s in love with his sister. Tbh they forgot about c!ace until 2x14 and they suddenly remembered that they were endgame and rushed to get them back together, which some of their moments during that time was yeah sorta okay I still didn’t feel anything romantic going on for them, that fucking glow-y scene in 2x19 is scarred into my brain, that’s like supposed to be romantic-bonding for 2.0 of their relationship is just what the fuck. Without the special effects I would’ve hated to be a cast member watching them hold onto each other while a fan blows air, I would’ve walked off or just cried from how bad it was. And than we have the oh so famous c!ace scenes in 2x20, I still honestly can’t remember feeling for them here, like yeah he’s dead but hes gonna come back in like two seconds. And that damn “i love you” scene that should’ve been cut, one never addressed it, didn’t make any sense (was just there because someone was a little upset that Malec was gonna get a whole I can’t live without you scene) and two because I feel like because is might have been the road to that damn stupid ass shit Jamie gives them and therefore the other writers who actually have brains had to.So now s3 which is the start of everybody is tired of the unearned crap c!ace is given. Because here is when they start trying to build up c!ace (and s!zzy too) as this epic in love, meant to be couple, which is a lot of my eyerolls in 3a come from. You really don’t see it in the first episode but boy in the ones after it you do. The whole talk in 3x02? Like what the fuck where did that come from because I sure as fuck don’t feel like you have given those emotions off before and I don’t remember you looking like this in the s1/s2 writing where was that and also this is basically Magnus’s fucking lines from 2x07! I don’t remember what the fuck happens in 3x03 other than Izzy wearing that dress and the Malec/Maryse dinner.  But 3x04 is just a fucking mess and it’s by our favorite writer Jamie!! Who wrote those incesty lines in 2x04! But she’s here writing lines out for c!ace that don’t make any fucking sense and it’s just for c!ace fans. like the whole “My love for clary is stronger than your magic” bullshit, just what the hell, that whole episode is basically telling me that they love each other, but they aren’t showing me because that’s how storytelling works, you gotta do both, Malec has it, it’s not that hard. And also I totally almost forgot that half of s3 was spent with Jace forcing Clary not to tell anyone about the wish, ooo couple goals, not. Than 3x05 happens, tbh I forgot most, other than the Malec drama with the stupid timeline which effects the whole damn show and the angel getting his heart punched out by Lilith and Jace getting spelled.But yeah that stupid ass two month timeline that effects the whole show because Alec and Magnus really began their relationship in s1, they just didn’t make it official to the whole world in s2. It really hurts c!ace and their epic love story they try to give us. Because how did they fall in love to the point where Lilith had to get Magnus to spell Jace, because he’s so in love with her that it’s stronger than the Queen of Hell’s magic???? Unless they’re trying to tell me that they either fell in love in s1 or during the time they thought they were siblings.Which is really fucking bad, so when did they fall in love?! They never showed me in the episodes’ writing. Anyways moving on, c!ace gets some more toxic moments and that another “I love you” scene which just had me on the ground because why Jesus. Do they do this to me. And than we have Izzy talking about how much Jace has changed since they met Clary which has me like this????? ‘Cause hm, well ever since Jace met Clary, he’s treated his siblings like shit and became even more of an asshole, and that’s stayed the same over the past three seasons? Where is the change? Here you see that they’re trying to make them seem like Alec and Magnus, who’ve actually changed since they met each other, c!ace? That’s nowhere in their writing. Then we have the whole 3x08 thing where he’s killing clary in his mind, which i have no words for that since i only watched it once. 3x10, good episode, no c!ace moments other than that fake ass cry and ‘cLAEEERY’ yell. And now 3b is where we get to see all of the book!c-lace moments that either don’t make any sense or are just plain toxic. 3x11 I basically skip all of the Jace-c!ace related moments mainly because i can’t stand his face and i watch this episode right before i go to bed so yeah. But it’s a good episode.  3x12, oh the famous shitty reunion that falls under bad writing and bad chemistry, I can’t tell if it was the writing or the chemistry for that one, the reunion should’ve been nice ass top tier but yet- we get weird ass smiles, barely any emotion because I know they do write like ‘the character feels happy’ some crap like that, because I remember the 2x20 script having something like that- but with c!ace nothing- just nothing. Just about how Jace wanted to take her to Paris, lol where in the fuck did that come from because he’s never mentioned that, nEVER. Than we got 3x13- lol my favorite episode (not) this episode was just a shitty filler, but the c!ace moments make me wanna sleep and gag which was all of the action I felt during one of their scenes.  So in this one they are back together and trying to figure out how to get the rune off of Clary, because first she really doesn’t want to have s-ex with Jace, ‘it’s never gonna be just me and you, it’s him too.’-  which they end up forgetting. Than we get the shittiest build up to a first time scene ever, because this just comes out of nowhere really I guess if you count the previous episodes as build up, but there’s no  build up in this one, it just comes out of no where really. One minute she’s like I wANT THE RUNE OFF  before I get the d to- i mean it’s YOLO, give me that d. Like????? WHERE. But here’s where we get a book-quote that doesn’t make any damn sense but we gotta do it. “I will love you until I die, and even after then” some shit like that, I can’t remember. Does she even say I love you back? But honestly here did that even come from, the writing makes me wanna go hide. And we also get the shittiest written/filmed worse chemistry after first time scene ever. Like it’s supposed to be romantic??? But the way its filmed and written is just so damn bad, all I did was gag my first watch and rewatch of it. Not to forget the whole it’s basically a incest three thing, because her brother decides to send her a message afterwards.And 3x14 which is just ughh, most of the c!ace ones were with her brother, and the fact is the little ice skating thing was meant to be cute, I guess but I really didn’t feel shit, they were barely in the next episode. 3x16, also known as the dumb and dumber part for them, because lets summon Lilith-, but also the whole Jace is able to bring her out of becoming evil works on paper, made me have a headache because how was he able to be the one to pull her back??? Like that trope is amazing but for c!ace doesn’t make sense, because they haven’t shown me that they are in love that much, or care that much. 3x17-3x18, I just remember him being there, that stupid wings shit and her knocking the shit out of him when she turned dark clary. Oh but the next one- me hate. We got Jamie once again proving that she’s a shit writer, because we got c!ace and drugs! And don’t forget the whole she’s gonna force herself on him, but don;t worry he can push her away, even though he’s about to pass out. (And never once address this) Barely of them in the next one, because we got another return of the “Until I die” quote that still doesn’t make sense. That I rolling my eyes again, now in 3x21/3x22 they didn’t actually piss me off or make me roll my eyes, because somehow the writing was finally somewhat good for them. But they had to throw the “Loving cells” quote and comparing themselves to Malec, which writers you aren’t trying to hide at this point you were trying to make them out to be next to the Main couple, when I was like I could like them. Their last scene is so damn good! Like punch in the gut. WHERE WAS THAT THE WHOLE TIME. Shorter story with the writing: C!ace suffered from tell us all about it but we won’t ever show you/unearned development. All because Todd and co were chickens who didn’t want to change the endgame relationships and didn’t write them good.Mainly in the end you can tell that like I said before because they fucked around with them, they had to give them the unearned writing, so they could match up with Malec. Because just like go through gif sets of them, most of what c!ace got is what Malec had before, except better writing and better chemistry. The chemistry is another reason-  but I believe the writing is the bigger one in the end. 

[lilulo-12fanfiction]

Wonder of You

Wonder of You Chapter 6- Forgotten Past Hey ya’ll!! I am SO SORRY this is so late. I legit started this like 2.5 weeks ago and things have just been massively crazy. I *HOPE* you enjoy it. There is mentions of smuttiness, but nothing insane. As always I appreciate your likes, comments and re-blogs!! Please let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list! Tag List: @magssteenkamp @deans-baby-momma @fandom-princess-forevermore Series Masterlist

“Mama mama!” Blake was dreaming again. This time it was like she was watching a movie. Blake watched a tiny version of herself run towards her mother’s open arms, almost black ringlets bouncing as she ran. “I missed you!!” Blake could see the sheer joy and innocence radiating out of her blue-green eyes. There weren’t a lot of memories she had of being this happy. It was like she could feel how happy the tiny version of herself was. Her mother pulled back and her matching eyes stared lovingly into her daughter’s face.

“I missed you too darling. Listen, Daddy is going to be headed out to work a job with his friend John. Do you remember John?” 5 year old Blake’s head nodded with enthusiasm. “Well, his sons are going to stay with us while John and Daddy work. Do you think you can help me with Sam?” Blake’s grin grew wide and she nodded with excitement. This would be the 3rd time the Winchester boys had joined the Fitzgerald household while John was working with her father. 

Blake was buzzing with anticipation waiting for the boys to get there. Dean was not quite 8 and Sam was just about 3. Blake was just excited to have playmates in the house with her. She had been begging her mother for a sibling but had been denied. Blake stared out the front window and squealed with delight, clapping her hands in excitement when she saw the fancy black car pull into her driveway. Her father scooped her tiny frame up in his arms and carried her outside with him.

“Well would you look at this little lady.” The warmth of John Winchester’s smile radiated toward her.

“Hi Mister Win....Win...” Blake struggled to pronounce the last name.

“Oh come on now sweetheart, I think we’re good enough friends for you to call me John.”

“Hi John.” She gave him a timid smile. His smile was like Dean’s. It made the corners of his eyes crinkle. It was something that she always found comfort in.

“Good to see you John. Thanks for coming.” 

“Good to see you too Fitz. Glad I can help” they shook hands as Blake’s bright eyes peered over John’s shoulder at the two boys in the back seat. The older boy was fussing over the younger. He must have felt her staring and when his eyes snapped up to the little girl, he beamed at her. She gave him a tiny wave. “Boys- you remember Mr. Fitzgerald and his daughter Blake.” The boys were climbing out of the car.

“Thank you for letting us stay here sir.” Dean was timid and respectful. “Anytime Dean.” Blake’s father smiled down at the two boys and ruffled Sam’s hair. “Come on in, I think Mrs. Fitz has some snacks for everyone.

“Dean...you can’t go in there.” Blake’s voice came out as a frantic whisper as he approached the door to her mother’s office.

“Why not?” Even then he was a rule breaker. Even at 7 years old he could rope her in on his shenanigans.

“We don’t go into Mommy’s office. She does important work and we could get hurt or mess something up.” Blake quoted her mother matter of factly. Dean shrugged.

“Aren’t you curious what’s in there?” Blake struggled internally between wanting to please Dean and please her mother. She gave a non-commital shrug and that was all Dean needed and he worked at picking the lock. He grinned at her when the door clicked. He opened the door and motioned for her to enter, following behind her. Blake looked around wide eyed at the collection of half used candles around the room. There were a handful of large old books on a shelf and one ancient looking book opened on a podium. The wall where the door stood looked like a detective’s wall with a map and photos connected with red string. The two of them wandered around the room hand in hand with wide eyes.

“Blake! Dean! You can’t be in here!” Her mother’s alarmed voice was getting louder the closer shegot. Once she got into the room she had Blake by the shoulders. “What have I told you about coming in here?” She shook her. “What are the rules?!” Blake didn’t often see her mother angry, but there was fury in her eyes. Little Dean felt like he was going to puke when he heard the cries coming from Blake.

“It wasn’t her fault! It was mine!” Dean jumped in, trying to pull Blake away from her mother. “I’m sorry ma’am. She told me not to! Don’t be mad at her.” She saw the guilt filling Dean’s eyes. Even as a child he had been her protector. “C’mon you two...” her mother’s calm demeanor had returned, leading them out of the room. Blake looked back in taking note of how the candles surrounded the book that was open in a perfect circle.

Blake woke with a start, rubbing her forehead. Was that a memory? She didn’t remember that day, or ever meeting the Winchester boys before John had brought her to live with them. But the dream was was familiar. Like a story you haven’t heard for a long time. She blinked and recalled the images of the room she didn’t ever remember being in. What was that? What was in there? What was her mother hiding behind that locked door. She tried to think back to her childhood. Hadn’t that door been locked with a keypad? She felt a piercing headache hit her square in the forehead. She looked over and Dean’s eyes were filled with concern. She had fallen asleep on the way to Ocean City. The smooth sailing of Baby had lulled her to sleep.

“Another nightmare?” She nodded at Dean.

“Not a nightmare...it was...different.” She watched the confusion flood his eyes. “It was like  a memory, one I don’t remember making.” Dean gave her a questioning look. “Did we spend time together when we were kids? You and Sammy spending a few days with us.  Spending time with me and my mother as our fathers went on some sort of hunt?” 

“No. I didn’t lay eyes on you until the day my father brought you home. You’re not something I would forget.” A smile ghosted Blake’s lips and she felt her heart skip a beat. “You’re 100% positive? Dean this is important.” That Dream was the key to something, she knew it was.

“Baby doll I promise you we didn’t. There’s no way I would forget that. Look, when my dad brought you home with him that night...I remember locking eyes with you and thinking two things. 1. You looked more haunted than anyone I had ever seen and 2. You had the most unique and beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I knew then I was goner, all I wanted to do was protect you and help you put yourself back together. You were broken. And I knew what being broken like that really felt like. All I wanted to do was take your pain away. And I remember it freaking me out because I had  never met you before but I knew that I’d give my life to keep you safe.”

The color had drained from Blake’s face and Dean was afraid he had said too much. But then he saw a tear slip from her eye and she tried to hide it. He cupped the side of her face as they were at a stop sign and wiped the tear away with his thumb. He felt her lean into his hand. She had been really emotional since they got back on the road. It worried him. She was always so tough and stoic growing up after she had been with them for a while. At the same time, he realized that he deep down loved it. It was easier to tell what she was thinking and what she was feeling, especially toward him. 

“Dean, I....you...” She stuttered when she was flustered and it thrilled him that he could make her feel like that. “You’ve always protected me. Even when you didn’t have to. You’ve always done what you thought I needed, even if you were wrong, even if I was pissed, I knew you were doing it for the right reasons. You did put me back together. I love your father. He really is my father too. If I couldn’t be with my daddy, there is no one else I would have rather been with. Bobby has always been wonderful to me, but John Winchester was the father I needed. But you, you were everything. You are everything to me. You’re my home. You and this car. I loved the time I had with Sam in California. We became really close, closer than we would have if we had stayed on the road. He knows me in ways that no one else does. But it wasn’t enough. It was always lacking because you weren’t there. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for going to New York. I shouldn’t have ran. And I did. I ran away from you. I was just so scared that I would mess everything up. I’m not sorry that I tried to live the life my mom wanted, because I always would have wondered but I shouldn’t have just decided. Not after that night.”

“Don’t apologize. You don’t ever have to apologize for that ever again. We both made mistakes after that night. But we’re together now and I don’t want to keep living in the past. I just want to move forward.” Blake nodded. The look in her eyes told him something was still off. “You sure you’re okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah, dreams of my mom always get to me. My mind is just messing with me. I’m okay.” She smiled at him and he pulled forward from the stop sign. The road had been dead so luckily their little confessional didn’t hold anyone up. “Go back to sleep. We still have a little over an hour.” Blake nodded and rested her head against the window, her mind firing in a million different directions.  She was feeling so much. She refrained from telling Dean the rest of her dream and about what was behind the door of her mother’s office. Dean was certain that they didn’t meet until the day her parents died, but Blake was certain they had and someone made them forget. But who...and why? She felt herself slowly loosing her train of thought until she slipped back into a dreamless sleep.

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“Come on sweetheart, wake up.” Dean whispered into Blake’s ear. She had fallen back to sleep hard. He was squatting next to her from the outside of the passenger side. He had gone in, rented a room, brought their stuff in and she had slept through all of it. He watched as she fought to open her eyes. He hated waking her up. It was the first time he’d seen her sleeping restfully in weeks. But he had gotten a room at an actual hotel where it might seem suspect if he was carrying an unconscious girl into his room. Her eyes were finally open. He could tell by her blinking she was confused. “Lets get into the room and you can continue your nap. I could use one too. Blake looked around.

“We’re at a real hotel? Not some skeevy rent by the hour place?”

“I should probably be offended by that.” Dean laughed and took her hand to help her out of the car. “I thought you deserved some time in a comfortable bed and a shower with awesome water pressure.” He kept her hand in his as he led her to their room. He gave her a sheepish look before he opened the door. She was about to ask him what was up but then saw that he had gotten them a room with one bed.

“Awfully presumptuous Winchester.” She shoved him playfully and walked into the room. Dean didn’t blush often but his cheeks were blazing. 

“I just figured we sleep in the same bed all of the time so we’d save a little money on the room. I can go change the room-“

“You’re stupid and I’m just teasing you. I heard a rumor that it’s nap time in this place.” She should have been wide awake after sleeping that much in the car but the dreams she had been having left her exhausted. She was sure Dean realized it. There wasn’t much she could hide from him. He grinned at her and shut the door. She grabbed her bag and went into the bathroom to change.

He took his shoes and button down off and slipped out of his jeans and then climbed into the bed. He felt his mouth go dry when she came out in one of his t-shirts that hit her mid thigh and what he presumed was her underwear. She climbed into the bed next to him and rolled onto her side to stare at him.

“So we’ll sleep for a while and then I really want to go to see the water and then we can hit the Board Walk for some dinner.”

“Blake we can do whatever you want. We came here for you. You lead and I’ll follow you wherever you want to go.” She moved closer and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. It was so quick he thought he imagined it. She didn’t say anything after kissing him, She simply rested her head on his chest and fell asleep to the feeling of his fingers in her hair. 

“Blake darling...you have to remember. Please remember.” Blake’s mother was pleading with her. She was pale and dead as always. They were in the woods again. This time she was pulling Blake along with her. Back towards the house in the woods.

Why do you have to come to me looking like this?” Blake cried. They were standing in her old house in the living room. The same living room she had dreamed of herself and a young Dean.

“I have to. Until you remember. It’s my punishment for what I did. Once you remember and you find it, things will be different. You’re so close.”

“Remember what?! Why can’t you just tell me? Where is Daddy?! ”

“Darling I can’t.”

“Because you made me forget? You did this? You made me forget Dean? What did you do to me? What are you? What am I? Please tell me.” Blake was sobbing. 

“Darling- I promise it will all make sense. You just have to dig deep and remember.”

“I don’t think I want to remember.”

“Don’t say that. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have done what I did. Everything is my fault”

“Why am I paying for your mistakes?”

“I’m so sorry Blake. I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.

“Mommy please!” And then she was gone and Blake was alone at the house in the woods, inches from opening the door.

Blake felt herself shake awake. Dean’s concerned face was staring down at her. It was something she was getting used to seeing upon waking up.  Dean's furrowed brow staring at her. She must have been crying in her sleep because he seemed to be wiping tears from her cheeks. She felt her stomach turn and a sharp pain in her forehead so she jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

“Blake....are you okay?” Dean grimaced when he heard her getting sick. He was standing outside the bathroom door. He stepped closer and heard Blake brushing her teeth. He backed away when he heard her stepping towards the door. When she opened it, she was pale and looked terrified. “Come here.” Dean pulled her close and held her tightly to him. “Do you want to talk about it?” She shook her head no into his chest. “Let’s get out of here. Go do something fun, get your mind off of whatever is going on. You can tell me when you’re ready.” “Okay.” Was all Blake said. She could feel Dean’s concerned eyes on the back of her head while she was digging for clothes.

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Dean didn’t know what was going on in Blake’s head. She was upset a lot of the time lately. Everything with his father had shook her up, but it was more than that. It was like she was disturbed, not in the mentally ill way, but something was disturbing her peace. He had hoped bringing her to Ocean City would relax her. He was convinced her smile as they ate dinner at a restaurant on the beach was for his benefit.

She seemed to lighten up a little more as they walked down the beach. She was clad in shorts and a tank top, flip flops in her hand. He, as always, his jeans, booths and button down. She relentlessly teased him about being afraid to show his legs. He told her she showed enough leg for the both of them in her shorts. She had shoved him and laughed...almost her real laugh and squealed when he grabbed her by the waist and swung her across the beach. He was certain that her laugh right now  was genuine. They had gone down to the boardwalk to go on some rides. They had just gotten off of this Ferris Wheel contraption that spun you all the way around in a little cage and Blake had loved it. She had let out the same terrified squeal that she had on her 16th birthday and it did Dean’s heart wonders to hear it again.

“I can’t believe you don’t love that feeling!” Blake was genuinely surprised he didn’t like being tossed around in a tiny cage. She chased the high of the swoop you got in your stomach on those crazy things. He smiled down at her and cupped the side of her face.

“I love how much you love it.” She felt goosebumps cover her body the same way she always did when he looked into her eyes like that. She felt her lips tingling begging for him to kiss them, but Dean was a tease. He leaned in only to whisper in her ear. “Let’s go on the real Ferris Wheel” She nodded, not trusting her voice to respond. She felt her heart skip a beat when he slid his hand into hers to pull her along with him.

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head as they waited in line to get on the ride. Dean Winchester was the only person that could make her feel what she was feeling. Why did she keep fighting it so hard? 

She slid into the seat next to him, they were barely moving off of the ground before he was kissing her, really kissing her. She felt like her heart was going to burst she was feeling so many things, all of them for him. 

For as tough as Dean Winchester was, he was different like this, different with her. He let her see a side of him that not many saw. He let her in. She pulled away to catch her breath, resting her forehead against his.

“I didn’t want to kiss you like that with an audience.” She could hear the smirk in his voice. 

“Dean-“ She started speaking but he cut her off.

“I want you. I want to be with you Blake. We’ve danced around this for so long. I can’t be with you all of the time and not actually be with you.” She pulled back and studied his face. Her hand was on his cheek and she ran her thumb over his bottom lip and then leaned forward and kissed him quickly again.

“I want to be with you too.” She let herself say it out loud. The smile that lit up Dean Winchester’s face was worth everything she ever had. They spent the rest of the night playing games and sneaking kisses. They were just Blake and Dean, nothing else weighing them down. 

As they walked back down the boardwalk to the hotel, Dean would pull her in for a heart stopping kiss only to pull away with a smirk and a twinkle in his eye as they kept walking. When they finally reached the door, Dean kissed her again as he pushed her into it, all while fumbling with the key. “Dammit” he cursed as he pulled away to focus on the lock, keeping Blake pinned between him and the door.

“I could move you know.” She teased. He stopped and saw her own smirk.

“Don’t you dare.” She felt the door behind her push open and then his lips were on hers again. She stumbled back as Dean kicked the door shut.   Before she knew what was happening Dean had her on the bed. She watched as he kicked his shoes off and threw his button down on the floor and then he was laying next to her. She turned to face him. He tucked a piece of her unruly hair behind her ear. “We can stop if you want. If it’s too fast.”

“Dean, I don’t want you to ever stop.” It was all he needed to hear before they were both giving in to the thing they had been fighting since that night on the beach. Dean's rough hands on her skin felt like coming home again. Dean being inside of her made her feel complete in ways she had forgotten she could feel. She wished she hadn't fought it for so long. Being with him felt right when so many things in their lives were going completely wrong. He made her forget the drama that was seeping in from her past. Forget her anger towards John. Her worry about Sam and his premonitions. Falling asleep in his arms gave her a false sense of security. 

"Why didn't you try harder?" Why didn't you save us?" The cries of Sam and Dean haunted and plagued her dreams for the few hours she tried to sleep. She was shocked she hadn't woken Dean up. She smiled at the peaceful look on his face. For the first time in a long time she saw the calm face of the boy she fell in love with so long ago. 

She loved him. She was in love with Dean. She hadn't outright said it, but she felt it. He hadn't outright said it, but what he said about her when he first met her, that was him being in love with her. She had to tell him, say the actual words out loud, before something happened and she didn't get the chance to.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dean woke up when he felt the sunlight hit his face. He slowly blinked until he was awake enough to realize where he was. Blake wasn’t in the bed and the bathroom was opened and dark. He slowly climbed out of bed and felt a little bit of panic fighting its way to his chest. 

On the desk was a note written in her neat printing.

  Went down to the beach before it gets busy for the day. I didn’t want to wake you. Meet me when you wake up. -B

Dean quickly got dressed and headed down to find her. There she was, dark messy hair piled on top of her head clad in a pair of leggings and the shirt he had worn the day before, big sunglasses covering her face. He stopped for a moment to appreciate her. He could tell that her demeanor from the night before had changed. He just hoped she hadn’t changed her mind. The smile she gave him when she turned assured him she hadn’t.

“Hi.” She slid over on the bench making room for him.

“Hi yourself. You okay?” She nodded. She pressed a kiss to his lips before she spoke.

“We need to call Sam. We have to meet up and safe or not, we need to find your father. He’s lying. He’s been lying since the day my parents died.”

“Lying? About what?” She could see Dean’s defenses go up, the way the always did when someone said anything against John.

“My mother and father were obviously friends of your dads. That we knew. But they were closer than he ever let on. A lot closer. I keep having dreams about my mother telling me things. But now I’m having dreams of us, when we were kids. They aren’t random dreams. They’re memories. Memories I was forced to repress or forced to forget. And if I was made to forget, so were you and Sam.”

“Who would or could do that? And why?”

“The why...I don’t know. But I am 100% certain that it was my mother that made us forget.”

“Blake-“

“Don’t Dean. We knew each other. We’ve known each other most of our lives and they took it away from us. I want to know- I need to know why and I want my memories back. Something big is coming and those memories are the key to something else that I need. I know it sounds crazy. But you have to believe me.” 

Dean pulled her sunglasses off to see her eyes they were red from crying and terror filled. “Okay Blake. I believe you. We’ll get Sam and we’ll go. We’ll get this figured out. I promise.” She nodded at him. Dean went to stand up but she grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"Wait. Before we leave here and get back into the shit show that is our lives...you have to know. I have to tell you." She was nervous, Dean had no idea what was about to come out of her mouth by the production she was putting on. He gave her the time to compose herself. "Dean, I love you. I'm so in love with you. And I'm pretty sure I always have been in love with you. I'll most likely always be in love with you, regardless of what happens-" He interrupted her verbal spiral by kissing her. It was soft and sweet. When he pulled away, he kept his hand on the side of her face and stared into her eyes.

"Blake, I know you do. You've shown me in so many ways that you do. I gotta say, it's nice to hear you say it. And I love you too. Of course I love you too. There's no one else in this world that I will ever be in love with the way I'm in love with you. And all this stuff, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out the way we always do, together." She laced her pinky with his on his free hand.

"Pinky promise?" She whispered. 

"Always." He kissed her quickly again and too her hand in his after he stood. He led her back to their room to get their things together. Dean was pretty sure that whatever they were heading towards was going to change everything.

[headcanons-inc]

Shiratorizawa Headcanons

Some self-indulgent headcanons bc... it’s my birthday and I can lol

Ushijima

Collects succulents, and is very good at taking care of them~ 

Not very good at tasks involving fine motor skills, especially using scissors and doing up buttons 

Though to be fair, both can be attributed to his left-handedness, so it’s not really his fault

Actually super good at baking?? He only does it once every blue moon (usually for birthdays and stuff), but when he does everyone cries 

Semi

Do NOT play video games with this guy. He is so loud. He Yells. 

He’s not even a sore loser or anything, he just gives everyone headaches

Actually way more of an enabler than you’d think...

Semi: Hey wtf are you doing Tendou, sitting next to a napping Ushijima: Tryna see how many objects I can stack on top of Wakatoshi-kun before he wakes up Semi: Semi, sitting next to him: Cool can I watch,

His hair is so fucking dry from over bleaching that it gets regularly compared to straw 

Reon

He’s a super good writer!! He’s never gotten anything under a 96 on a written piece in Language Arts, and he’s even writing a book!

The worst aim of anyone you will ever meet. Seriously. He was challenged to a shooting game at a festival once by Goshiki and, because he’s also surprisingly competitive, he ended up spending most of his money on that one game that night... he never hit a single target...

Does photography and brings his camera everywhere with him. Never say or do anything embarrassing around Reon. He will get pictures whether you notice or not. 

His team knows this far too well

Tendou

Has bunk beds beds at home from when he was younger and used to share a room with his younger sister (she got a new bed while he kept the bunks) and keeps a candy stash on the top bunk which his mother regularly steals from

Got his hair from his mom, and his eyes from his dad

Total boss at Scrabble 

Goshiki

The middle kid of 5 brothers, which partially explains his need for praise all the time

Super good at almost all sports, not just volleyball! He was actually approached by someone on the soccer team when he witnessed Goshiki play in gym class 

He can’t play tennis for his life, though

Thinks at least once a month that he should change his hairstyle, but always ultimately comes to the conclusion that he likes it the way it is

Shirabu

Only child who comes from a rich family

Hates loud noises in the morning more than anything

Training camps are hell for him because he’s used to nice, quiet houses in the morning, and some people on his team Goshiki and Tendou like to start off their day by yelling...

Somewhat superstitious and fully believes that something as simple as putting his left shoe on before his right will ruin his day completely 

Kawanishi

Never gets enough sleep. Ever. He willingly stays up until 4 AM every night on his phone

At training camps, when he’s forced to get enough sleep, however, is when the team realizes that Kawanishi’s actually like... a pretty pleasant, happy person? Who enjoys having conversations with his teammates? And actually smiles? And teases Shirabu well he does that anyway but he’s WORSE now? Who are you and what have you done with Taichi?

He vehemently denies any of this happened when they get back

Too bad Reon has pictures

Prefers to be called by his given name (Taichi) rather than his family name, similarly to Kenma

Somehow always has a pen/marker on hand?? Like, no one knows where he keeps them considering he always seems to wear pocketless pants, but he’s always the first one to respond when someone asks for a pen

Do not fall asleep near him. He may seem trustworthy, and normally he is, but he Can and Will draw on your face. 

Yamagata

Is surprisingly good with dates and times for someone who never has his phone on him; he’s the guy who ALWAYS knows what they’re doing today, who they’re having their next practice match against, where their next training camp is, etc. 

Sometimes even before Washijou does, somehow

His team is scared

SUPER fast typist, like his mom (a teacher) took a fucking typing course in college and he’s way faster 

His favourite animals are turtles and he legit teared up when Tendou gave him a turtle plushie for his birthday one year

[nananaptime]

I’m still in love with you

I made myself cry...

Masterlist Rules

Genre: More angst than fluff but still some fluff if you squint

Word count: 2 425

Summary: Getting over someone is easier said than done...

“Are you sure this is okay?” I looked at Doyoung’s worried expression and nodded, a small smile on my face. It did nothing to erase the concern from my friend’s eyes. “You know he’s bringing her, right?” He received yet another nod and gave me a sigh in return but let it be, knowing I was way too stubborn to remove myself from the situation.

We were currently waiting outside the café where we had decided to meet up with Jaehyun and Hanna, his current girlfriend and the reason to Doyoung’s worry. Jaehyun and I had been dating for quite a while but broke it off a couple of months ago due to wanting different things and moving at different paces. After a year and a half long relationship it was harder than I thought to move on and now that he had someone else on his side, I didn’t know if my heart could take it. I was lucky enough that the café of choice was not the one we used to spend our time at, knowing that it would’ve been impossible to handle if that had been the case.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw them rounding a corner, slowly making the way towards us. Him with a big happy smile on his face and her giggling under his arm. Did he use to smile like that when he was with me? It was not the first time I met her as they had been dating for three weeks now and a week into their relationship, he introduced her to our group of friends.

“Y/N! Doyoung! You’re early.” I shrugged at his statement, slightly glancing at Hanna’s friendly smile. She was a nice girl, I had no right to be rude towards her.

“The bus times didn’t add up correctly enough for the time we were supposed to meet up.” Jaehyun nodded before giving me a brief hug, expressing his happiness to see me before doing the same to Doyoung, letting Hanna take his place and give me a hug as well. Her long hair was soft and brushed my face as the wind picked up to which she apologized before gently taking my wrist and dragged me into the café and choosing a table, saying the boys would order for us.

I wish she was rude or something so I would have a reason to hate her, but I couldn’t find any flaws what so ever, she was impossibly perfect. Jaehyun deserved someone like her.

“How’s your book coming, Y/N? Jaehyun tells me you’ve been working quite hard on it.” The fact that I was a subject of discussion between the two left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I answered her question nonetheless, informing her of the progress of my writing and how it was nowhere near finished yet. “Well, I’m sure it’s going to be really good. Tell me when it’s released, and I’ll definitely buy it.” Her smile was almost contagious as I found myself fighting one of my own at her enthusiastic support. At that moment, the boys arrived with our orders.

“One chai latté for you, my darling.” As Hanna was about to accept it, Jaehyun held it out of her reach, making a knowing smile appear on Hanna’s lips. With a tap of his fingers to his cheeks, Jaehyun alerted her of what she had to do so she pressed a swift kiss to his cheek and cheekily grabbed the beverage from his hands. I almost puked in my mouth.

Doyoung sat down next me, handing me my mocha latté before gently rubbing my arm in a soothing manner to which I shook it off, not wanting the pity at the moment, or any moment at all for that matter. Doyoung understood, he always does, and he acts accordingly, so he started talking about something that did not have anything to do with the relationship in front of us but no matter how much he managed to control the conversation, he had no such luck with the actions that was impossible to ignore. The way Jaehyun would carefully move a strand of her from her face or some stray tea from her chin, it all reminded me of our time together, when he did that to me with that same look of adoration in his eyes. Knowing I would never be on the receiving end of that any more hurt more than you can imagine. I finally had enough as she offered some of her drink to him by gently pouring it into his mouth herself, the tears were slowly surfacing, and I knew I had to get out of there.

“I think I should go,” I whispered to Doyoung to avoid any possible drama and as he nodded I slowly stood up and slid out of the booth. He asked if I wanted him to accompany me, but I denied, saying I’d rather be alone at the moment and thanking him at the same time. Just before I turned my back towards the group, I caught Jaehyun’s eyes and couldn’t help but noticing the confused expression filling them. With no pause to explain myself, I walked out of the café and headed towards the bus stop a couple of meters away. Finally letting some of my tears fall, I was relieved to be out of the situation. However, that sense of relief didn’t last long once I heard him call my name. I couldn’t help but stop even though I knew I should’ve kept going, for my own sake, for my heart’s sake. But I stopped because I knew that no matter how much time passes, I will always do anything for him.

“Are you okay?” He sounded out of breath like he’d been running. I didn’t know what answer to give because I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t want to cause him any pain, he should have the freedom to be with whoever he wants without his ex coming in the way, no matter how good friends we are. With a sniffle, I answered his question as truthfully as I could.

“I just need to be alone for a while.” I should’ve known he wouldn’t settle for that, so I scolded myself for being surprised when he physically turned me towards him. Hoping that it wasn’t obvious that I had cried was stupid as well as I knew that would be the first thing he would notice. He cradled my face in his hands, a concerned expression now covering his features.

“Have you been crying?” I pulled away from his grip and wiped my nose slightly as I sniffled.

“Nope, not at all, I just realised I had to get home.” I tried leaving again but was unsuccessful as he grabbed my wrist and stopped me from taking another step.

“Y/N.” A stern tone was hovering over every syllable. “Is it because of Hanna?” When I didn’t answer he knew he was correct. A frustrated sigh left his lips as he released my hand. “I don’t understand why you can’t just like her, she’s trying her absolute best to get on your good side and yet you seem to dislike her. Y/N, you’re my best friend, I want you two to get along, it’s really important to me. Is that so hard?” I was starting to shake slightly as he went on about his wishes of friendships. “Why is it so hard to just…” He didn’t manage to say another word before my words hit him in the face like a slap.

“Because I’m still in love with you!” Tears were now falling down my face freely as I turned towards him again, chest heaving with pent-up emotions. Jaehyun looked at me, stunned.

“What?” The small word, barely audible, left his mouth and made me even more frustrated.

“I’m still in love with you, okay, and seeing you acting all cute and adorable with her hurts and no matter how much I try to like her, I can’t. I wish she was mean, I wish she was annoying, I wish I had a legit reason to dislike her, but I don’t so I try to like her, but I can’t because I’m still in love with you.” Jaehyun didn’t seem to be able to get over the shock of my revelation and remained quiet. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get out of here before I say something I’ll regret even more.” With no further words coming from my mouth, I walked away, still shaking and with tears streaming down my cheeks, and left Jaehyun standing at the parking lot behind me.

I had not managed to calm down once I reached my apartment, quite the opposite really and I knew a panic attack was on its way. After pacing around my home, trying to calm down, I realised who I needed to call and dialling her number took less than three seconds.

One tone went by.

Two tones.

Three tones.

“Y/N! What’s wrong?” It’s amazing how I didn’t even have to say anything for Lia, my absolute best friend, to know something wasn’t right.

“I just – I – I can’t –”

”Y/N?” The concern was more evident than ever in her voice.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m coming over and you’ll tell me everything okay.” A small sound of acknowledgement left my mouth before we hung up and I went to sit down on the sofa, just waiting, trying to calm myself down.

A couple of minutes later there was a knock on my door and Lia was soon inside my apartment, hugging me to her body in a matter of seconds, which is when I, once again, broke down. After a while, it seemed like my tears had been used up and my eyes dried up, leaving me with a headache and a hurting throat.

I gave Lia a brief of my day and I could see the pity form in her eyes to which she received a warning look. I didn’t mean to tell Jaehyun about my feelings, I had tried to get over him but when the friendship is impossible to avoid it’s a lot harder said than done. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to see him, I just wanted to get away. Informing Lia of my wish to disappear for a while she suggested that I could go do something I’ve always wanted to do. Go see the cherry blossoms in Japan. Instantly feeling a little better at the idea of leaving the country for a while, I grabbed my computer and started looking for cheap flights and hotels, Lia laughing at how fast I’d jumped on board the idea. Soon enough I had everything booked and was more than ready to do a getaway for a couple of days. Making Lia promise to not tell Jaehyun about my whereabouts, I started packing as she alerted Doyoung and Taeil of my impulsive trip, finally feeling my heart lift a bit.

Japan was beautiful, more beautiful than I ever dared to imagine, especially during spring. I had spent my first day here walking around town, checking out different local cafés and stores, even though I wasn’t much for shopping, you never knew what you would find. I saved the best to last and while the second day was spent at museums and such, the third day was the best even before it began. Spending it in the park among trees filled with cherry blossoms was a dream come true and eventually, Jaehyun had slipped my mind like a lead in the wind. I had brought my small sketchbook along and intended on getting down some sceneries for partly my book but also partly for my own memory, so I never forget the heavenly sight in front of me.

All those hours admiration and glee quickly crashed down as my phone rang and I glanced at the caller ID. I came here to avoid him, to forget him, to move on. Why isn’t he letting me do that? With a nervous sigh, I answered the phone.

“Jaehyun, hi.” The fact that my voice didn’t shake was a miracle.

“Y/N.” That was all I got, my name, no indication of why he called.

“Uhm, I’m not in the country at the moment so this will probably cost a lot, so we can talk once I get back?” I cursed myself for letting my nerves show as I finally took a breath after completing the sentence.

“I broke up with Hanna.” My heart stopped.

“What?” This time, I was the one speaking in small letters.

“I broke up with her, she took it pretty well, she knew that…” I regained my ability to talk.

“Jaehyun, we should talk about this when I come back because this will be really expensive. I’m not in the country, I’m in…”

“Japan, I know.” Goddamnit Lia. ”And I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.” What? “I knew seeing you in your dream scenery would blow me away, but you look even more amazing than I ever thought was possible. The pink flowers really complement your appearance, and you’re wearing my favourite jacket on you and….” His breath hitched slightly as I held mine, not believing what I was hearing. “… and the necklace I gave you.” My fingers immediately reached up to touch the jewellery around my neck, I usually wear a high neck shirt, so he doesn’t see it. I haven’t had the heart to take it off. “Wow, you’re so beautiful.”

“How, what I, how…” I couldn’t form a coherent sentence and a chuckle was heard from the other line.

“Turn around.”

And there he was, in all his glory, a few feet away from me, giving me his signature soft smile. I was shocked, what was he doing here? As he started moving towards me, I found myself frozen in shock, not able to move even an inch. Eventually, he was a mere inch away from me.

“What are you doing here?” I could barely talk hence the whisper that came from my mouth. A small, loving smile played on his lips and instead of answering my question, he kissed me, before pulling away and remaining the same distance as before.

“I’m still in love with you.” Before I had the time to react, he kissed me again.

[masonjar828]

So this is in response to an ask me thing I reblogged. Thanks @kylorenpunk for once again making me do them all 😂 but I ain’t no quitter so let’s begin shall we.

1. Selfie; as seen above

2. What would you name your future kids?; If I could have sole control of naming my kids, I’d go with Zephyr for a girl and Red Nalloh for a boy. I always liked the word zephyr and I like the palindrome name that would come from naming my son that.

3. Do I miss anyone?; I recently moved to the west coast and left a lot of close friends behind so I miss each of them every day.

4. What am I looking forward to?; I recently interviewed for a job I’m pretty excited about so I’m really looking forward to hearing new news from them!

5. Is there anyone who can make me smile?; Legit anyone who ever says or does a kind thing to me I will think about from time to time with a little grin.

6. Is it hard for me to get over someone?; I don’t have too much experience needing to do so but I feel like it takes me a normal amount of time to get back on the level after being with someone 😂😅

7. What was my life like last year?; I was a senior in college man...life was a ball of stress and sleep deprevation for months.

8. Have I ever cried from annoyance?; Not really. It honestly takes a lot to make me cry usually. BUT! Show me something with heartwarming feels and a tear or two will always come.

9. Who did I last see in person?; My aunt while we were watching a movie.

10. Am I good at hiding my feelings?; Maybe? I feel like I am but I also know my poker face is garbage so I could be suckish at hiding my feelings too haha.

11. Am I listening to music right now?; Yes! The new Greatest Showman Reimagined album and it’s utterly amazing!

12. What is something I want right now?; I want more than anything rn to hear back from some job somewhere because I’m so in need of a post-college job 😂😅

13. How to I feel right now?; Bit of a headache and fairly tired but overall pretty happy! Listening to the rain outside helps.

14. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged me?; About 20min ago when I said goodnight to my aunt lol.

15. Personality description; I feel the best way to describe my personality is a hyperactive ball of music and useless facts who usually does anything to help my friends, usually at the expense of my sanity at times 😂

16. Have I ever wanted to tell someone something but I didn’t?; There was a time where I desperately wanted to take a risk of telling one of my closest friends just how I truly felt about her but didn’t because I didn’t want to risk ruining the friendship that meant too much to me.

17. Opinion on insecurities; They are a thing everyone experiences and should never be judged on, but I do feel like the only way to truly become better as a person is to actively work to identify and try to work on overcoming or coming to terms with them.

18. Do I miss how things were a year ago?; The constant stress, absolutely not. The friends I got to see daily and never get to see and rarely talk to anymore, all the goddamn time.

19. Have I ever been to New York?; State, yes. City, also yes. Went this past summer to see Hamilton live and my god it was one of the best shows I’ve ever experienced! ☺️

20. Favorite song at the moment?; Hardest question in the world to ask me since I listen to and love so many so songs at once. The one currently stuck in my head is Zac Brown Bands version of From Now On from the Greatest Showman Reimagined soundtrack.

21. Age and birthday; 22 and August 28th

22. Description of crush; No crushes at the current moment but I usually like women a tad shorter than me, with amazing eyes, and a personality that is fun and nerdy so we can make stupid puns and jokes to each other.

23. Fears; Only one real one and it’ll always be snakes. Fuck those venomous and scaly bastards.

24. Height; Like 5’9”-5’10”ish I think?

25. Role model; My dad for sure. He is one of the most loving and caring people I know who can be outright terrifying if he needs to be.

26. Idols; I’m not really the type to idolize anyone tbh 😅 I feel like idolization can be a tad unhealthy.

27. Things I hate; The thing I hate most in the world (apart from snakes, fuck snakes) would have to be the sound of silence (not the song I love the song). Silence weirds me the hell out and I’m not about it.

28. I’ll love you if...; I’ll basically love you if you just show you genuinely care for me and have my best interest at heart. If you do that I’ll basically fight for you til the very end.

29. Favorite films; Star Wars for a series, Airplane! for a individual movie.

30. Favorite tv shows; Brooklynn 99 is my current binge. Others tend to be Star Trek: Next Generation, Cosmos (think this is considered tv), Friends, Avatar, The Last Airbender, etc lol.

31. 3 random facts; About me I’m guessing? I can solve a Rubik’s cube in about 30sec. I can sing the lyrics to literally each and every track from the Hamilton soundtrack. And I can bake recipe for cookies I’ve had friends literally fight over blindfolded if I have the ingredients all lined out first.

32. Are my friends mainly girls or guys?; Girls mostly. Guys tend to annoy the hell out of me most of the time. Even my best friend in the world can annoy the shit out of me fairly easily 😂😅

33. Something I want to learn; How to play literally any instrument. At all. I have wanted to learn for ages but I am just not good with instruments at all.

34. Most embarrassing moment; I tend to repress my embarrassing moments a lot so the first one that comes to mind is when I was talking shit about a professors godawful and stupid teaching method after being given a test he taught us like 30% of and turning around to see him 10ft away and definitely hearing what I said 😐

35. Favorite subject; Any math or chemistry really. #chemicalengineeringlife

36. 3 dreams I want to fulfill; Fairly easy I think. Find success in an area near my family so I can stay close with them after years of being unable to. Find a partner who I can be happy with the rest of my life. And be financially stable to never need to stress about living day to day.

37. Favorite actor/actress; Actor I think Chris Pratt. Actress Anna Kendrick.

38. Favorite comedian; John Mulaney without hesitation.

39. Favorite sport; Tennis. Can’t play it for years and not love it.

40. Favorite memory; Ooh hard one. I think it would have to be the time my family went camping to a place in the middle of Nowhere, Nevada when I was younger and I was able to see each and every star in the sky like I had never been able to before. It made me start to love space and science as a whole looking into that beautiful endless abyss.

41. Favorite book; Hate this because I love reading so so much and it’s like having to choose a favorite child. I think the one I most often reread would have to be The Hobbit though.

42. Favorite song ever; Bohemian Rhapsody I would guess counts the most since it’s the one I will always go back to and enjoy. (Also if you haven’t seen Bohemian Rhapsody the movie yet it’s insanely entertaining and I recommend it hard)

43. Age I get mistaken for; With the beard grown out some age definitely mid-20s, without the beard I’ve been called 18 or younger multiple occasions.

44. How I found out about my idol; See idol question above.

45. What my last text message says; “Goodnight”, sent to a friend I was talking to as they were very close to passing out.

46. Turn ons; If you’re able to engage with me on an intellectual level and be able to just be fun and goofy with me.

47. Turn offs; Trump supporters, Naxi sympathizers, and people who refuse to accept scientific evidence for things like vaccines and climate change.

48. Where I want to be right now; In bed, which luckily I am! 😝

49. Favorite picture of my idol; See idol question above.

50. Starsign; Virgo I believe.

51. Something I’m talented at; Random useless fact storage to be used at bar trivia nights.

52. 5 things that make me happy; Being with family, listening to good music, reading a good book, baking something delicious, and long drives with deep talks with friends.

53. Something worrying me at the moment; Not getting the nice job I interviewed for after the interview going as awesome as it did.

54. Tumblr friends; I have a few friends who have tumblrs like @kylorenpunk, @thepunmaster3000, and @be-inspirational-to-others. Though any mutuals I have I would love to become more friendly with so please feel free to send me a message sometime 😂😋

55. Favorite food; Probably chicken Alfredo I think.

56. Favorite animasl; Dolphins and tortoises 🐬🐢

57. Description of best friend; Tall dude with a short trimmed beard. Musically talented in basically any instrument I can think of. Movie lover to the point of almost insanity. Funny dude who also calls me out on my extremely dumb jokes and puns all the goddamn time.

58. Why I joined tumblr; I was told about it by a friend when I needed to vent a lot and she had me make one. Vented very rarely but enjoyed the weirdness of the site.

59. Ask me anything you want (I’m guessing for who asked me this); @kylorenpunk, why the hell do you make me always do all of these? 😂😅 I don’t mind but lord does it take forever to type all this junk out.

[sherazzie]

- answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

tagged by @ihavetoomanydistractions ( oh yessss more fun tumblr stuff thanks cheyenne :D)

LAST

1. drink - cold water

2. phone call - some dude in the army haha

3. text - lydssssssssssssssssss :D i cant tag her for some reason haaha

4. song you listened to - black cat nero by turbo <333 KIM JONG KOOK

5. time you cried - this afternoon goodness

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - no 

7. kissed someone and regretted it - lol i havent even kissed anyone

8. been cheated on - how to get cheated one when i dont have any honeys haha

9. lost someone special - of course 

10. been depressed - very very sad yes , i dont think depressed tho?

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - nope

FAVORITE COLORS

12. black

13. blue

14. red

15. pinkkkkkkuuuuu

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - a virtual freind cheyenne , and a group of virtual freinds that turned irl :D especialllyyyy lydsssssss twinsy <3333

17. fallen out of love - with family definetly 

18. laughed until you cried - basically me watching any korean variety showww

19. found out someone was talking about you - behind mah back ? like countless times m8 :(

20. met someone who changed you - LYDSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

21. found out who your friends are - do i even have freinds ? hmmmmmm

22. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - LOL does my mom count hahaha

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your facebook friends list do you know irl -almost all of them actually .

24. do you have any pets - no and never

25. do you want to change your middle name - do i even have a middle name lol

26. what did you do for your last birthday - had a surprise cake i explicitly told my sister i did not what ,legit pissed me off to no end 

27. what time did you wake up today - 930 am i think?

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - watching knowing brothers :D

29. what is something you can’t wait for - LOVE YOURSELF ANSWER ! and red velvet’s comeback in augg

30. what are you listening to right now - pied piper -bts

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - no recollection whatsover

32. something that gets on your nerves - people who are late 

33. most visited website - youtube!

34. hair color - black

35. long hair or short hair - short hair , i get headaches when my hair gets abit long 

36. do you have a crush on someone - yes i do :))))))))))))))) wheeee hahaa

37. what do you like about yourself - ability to self discipline

38. want any piercings - no i think they are ugzzzzz

39. blood type - b +?

40. nicknames - sherazzie :D

41. relationship status - single and read to mingle

42. zodiac - scorpio (oh im a scorpio too ! , when is your bday cheyenne?)

43. pronouns - how am i suppose to answer this ??? hahaa

44. favorite tv show -House M.D. i wish i could erase my memory of it and rewatch!

45. tattoos - don’t have any, don’t want any  (yassssss  exactly this)

46. right handed or left - right handed

47. ever had surgery - when i was born due to my bilateral club feet

48. piercings - none

49. sports - badminton is luv basically

50. vacation - new york!!!!!!!!!

51. trainers - i cant wear anything fancy due to my feet haha so my last trainers were ugly ascis shoes i criiii

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - chicken rice!

53. drinking - waterrrrrrrrrr

54. i’m about to watch - Descendants of the Sun episode  8!

55. waiting for - weigh in on national day !

56. want - to be happy 

57. get married - when i find my other half

58. career - i kinda wanna be a manager role overseeing people?

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - HUGSSSS

60. lips or eyes - eyes are everything m8

61. shorter or taller - im okay with my height ! 

62. older or younger - much older i want to exprience 80s 90s music when they first came out

63. nice arms or stomach - stomach ! i dont want great arms lol

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - i dont really fall under any tbh

HAVE YOU EVER

66. kissed a stranger - no lol 

67. drank hard liquor - never , i dont drink :x

68. lost glasses - i just found my glasses that were missing for close to a year lol

69 turned someone down - i need to get asked first hahahahaha

70. sex on first date -  never been on a date but not , after marriage m8sss

71. broken someone’s heart - i dont think so , i think im too nice

72. had your heart broken - yeah by “friends” (OMG YES THIS <<<<)

73. been arrested - no haha

74. cried when someone died - after a while tho , takes a while to process

75. fallen for a friend - yes yes yes yes yes 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - of course i do !

77. miracles - god has shown me alot of miracles!

78. love at first sight - yes definitely im a legit hopeless romantic haha

79. father christmas - lol no!

80. kiss on a first date - date ?  what is that ? can eat?

81. angels - yes i do , there are human angels too (HI LYDSSSSSSSS)

82. best friend’s name - i have no close friends :( but i will always have mah twinsy lydsssssss  

83. eye color - i actually have two different eye colors!

84. favorite movie - PIKU! love it to death !

85. favorite actor - the king of bollywood ! SHAH RUKH KHAN

[publichealthcare99]

Silencil Supplement Reviews | SCAM ALERT

New Post has been published on https://thebestsolution4u.com/silencil-supplement-reviews-scam-alert/

Silencil Supplement Reviews | SCAM ALERT

Silencil Supplement Reviews | SCAM ALERT! Truth Exposed!

Now for the first few days,. I didn’t feel any major improvements maybe just my focus was better and most of my headaches were gone. But a few days later something amazing happened. It was almost like the ringing was somehow losing strength.

Silencil Supplement Reviews | SCAM ALERT! Truth Exposed!

Then as days went by it went from excruciatingly annoying to moderate and then to mild now shortly after that. I could barely hear the noise and all my stress and anxiety were gone by the fourth week something incredible happened the ringing was completely gone and all the other tinnitus symptoms were also gone with it.

I had no more headaches no more dizziness it was like my brain was reborn. I will never forget that first moment of silence after so many years. I cried like a child holding those two pills in my hand now even though my tinnitus (my T)  was gone.

I wanted to see what would happen if. I took the pills for a little longer by the fifth week. I could feel a surge of energy in my brain the good kind it was like my mind was improving. I could solve difficult puzzles with my kids my memory was crystal clear.

I could easily focus. hello everyone are you eagerly waiting to know the scam proofs of silencil supplement keep watching this review till the end to discover the exact hidden truth behind the product before that subscribe my channel for latest reviews and updates of the products silencil supplement reviews.

Read more: Silencil Reviews – Does Silence Supplement Work?

This review helps you to debunk claims that are made for silencil supplement. There are no proofs that can prove the story and character henry sanders is true. And really exists also there was introduction of thomas peterson who was a part of high iq society named prometheus society.

It is merely a false and scripted story to promote their supplement though the prometheus society exists. it was the fabrication created by the scammers to promote themselves by associating themselves with the reputed group in addition ingredients list displayed. In the official site of silencil supplement is not proven to solve the tinnitus issue.

They are the general extracts with nutrients that we gain with the regular food intake each of the ingredients has special benefits. But not in case of curing tinnitus problem ingredients like potassium vitamin b complex can support hearing and not help in treatment of T similarly macuna supports sex drive. And rhodiola prevents stress even l-theanine ashwagandha skullcap and chamomile wasn’t proven to treat tinnitus.

There was no proper evidence provided in the site to prove that their scam product will work the worst thing of this supplement is reference like super soldiers and clear project here is the proof exposing that there is no military projects exists moreover the platform by goods.com lies for purchase.

Between the customers and silencil supplement scammers but here is the evidence that they don’t make it safe and legit supplement purchase. In this case the testimonials is another corruption made in the promotion of silencil supplement.

 you can find number of fake customer reviews with impersonate identification and testimonials that have no legal proof the official site has claimed that over 122 000 people have changed their lives by clearing tinnitus.

Do you really believe in this that a product without any online hyper outside of paid affiliate advertisers can make it possible. There was no proof for this dramatic results provided by this scam supplement all of these fake promises are proven with right evidence to make you aware of scam silencil pills.

Get ready to save your health from scam gimmicks of product sellers after making lot of research we have preferred a best supplement for tinnitus issue you can find the link in the description to purchase the product would you like to know trustable truth of any other supplement let us know and discover the real facts behind them thanks for watching have a nice day.

Visit Our Official Website

[cherrykyeoms]

bf!Taeyong

A/N : this might be a little bad cuz im not exactly in my best condition today after all the events that happened today but i’ve alr had it scheduled to be done so i’ll try but it might be a little to greasy and cheesy to your (and probs my) liking. but i hope you enjoy!! :“)

•i told you its my top three first ;)) •soOoo boYFIE TY TRACK •im so soft for him •anyways eVERYONE KNOWS HOW CARING AND MOTHERLY-LIKE HE IS RIGHT •HES LIKE THAT TO YOU TOO •constant nagging on keeping ur room clean/eating proper meals etc. •also when ur sick he just goes ultimate mom and boyfriend mode at the same time like •nfjdSJDJSJJFEJ HELP ME IM GETTING SOFT •he’d make sure that you have eaten all your meds in front of him •he’d make food for the both you (chef taeyong yes pls) so that you dont have to worry wether he had eaten or not •probably tells you to sleep even if just woke up •cuddles you to sleep if you tell him that ur headaches/or any other aches are getting worse • talking abt cuddles •he wld like give the besT CUDDLES just saying •you can already start to see how soft im getting •CONSTANT CUDDLING ESPECIALLY WHEN HE DOESNT HAVE SCHEDULES OR WHEN HES HAS ALL THE TIME FOR BOTH OF YOU TO SPEND •like he would hold you close to his chest •one arm around ur body across from the front and the other hand holding your head close to him •idek abt yall but i find this rlly emotionally comforting like i rarely get hugged like this so :/ •like yall wld be cuddling while watching movies •he’d hold you like that and every now and then, he would plant a kiss on ur forehead and consistently say sweet things •"i love you my one and only" •"you’re so cute" •also i dont see many arguments with this lil cutie •but probably yall fought because of reasonable things like your health •he’d cone home and start talking in a serious manner •"_____-ah the amount of times i’ve told you to take care and be careful when i’m not around with you…“ •"i went out of practice to get a call from your boss that you almost fainted because u didnt have lunch and you overworked yourself for three consecutive days? this is unacceptable.” •he’d probably go on like this for forty minutes walking back and forth in your room trying to elicit responses from you •but the moment you snapped and just suddenly cried he wld be so worried •he probably didnt realise it was this bad •he’d comfort you to the best of his ability until you fall asleep in his arms •then hed carefully lay you down on the bed while he get to the kitchen to start cooking • you probably would have woken up to the smell of chicken broth boiling in the kitchen •when he sees you he’d give the sWEETEST SMile ever and ask if your doing fine •he’d probably force you to lie down on the sofa while waiting for him lmao •also daily texts in the morning from him are a thing!! •"morning beautiful!! i hope today will be a great day for you!! eat well and stay happy!! see you later bubs :))“ •SOFTSOFTSOFTSOFTSOFTSOFT>/strike> •when you wake up to see his messages ur just like •how?? did?? i?? deserve?? such?? an?? angel?? •like legit hes your guardian angel •also pda •one word : clingy •verY CLINGY •CONSTANT BACKHUGS •PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR IN THE TRAIN/BUS/TAXI!! •RESTING HIS CHIN ON YOUR HEAD!(probably just me lmao im 156 cm tall : •im done here :“) •taeyong is a vry vry soft boyfie in general just saying :) •tell me which member to do next!!

[chocobroing]

Crazy in Love~Drautos/OFC NSFW

Tagging: @unlimitedthotworks, @ridingchocobros, @themissimmortal, @itshaejinju, @dirtyffxvconfession, @hypaalicious, @louisvuittontrashbags, @lady-asuka, @nifwrites

(Note from me: Okay, I was a bit hesitant with tagging people because I wasn’t sure how this one will be received. Also, forgive me if I sound a bit frayed. Work pretty much kicked my ass. However, I am legit trash. I keep making naughty stories of the FFXV boy cast. Now, I’m being trashy by shipping Drautos with a girl. Enjoy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a cold shower.)

Warnings: sex, language, dirty talk, and general nsfw-ness.

~~~

Lorraine was fucked. She knew that she was in over her head the first time she saw Captain Drautos. Even though there was a twenty year age difference between them, she found herself utterly drawn to him. She to tell him how she felt but she was afraid of him. He was too cold and rigid when it came to emotions. As a medic, she worked alongside him and the other glaive when they fought Niflheim. She remembered when she first entered the battle field and lost many glaives.

(Flashback)

Lorraine found herself sitting numbly on the ground, cradling a dead glaive in her arms, his blood soaking into her uniform. She kept telling Libertus to give her potions to stop the bleeding but he already knew it was a lost cause. No matter how many potions she gave the dead glaive, he wouldn’t come back. He knew that she knew that because she was crying helplessly. Tears soaked her cheeks and her body trembled when she heard the sounds of battle going on. She held the unnamed glaive and her teardrops hit his masked face, trying very hard to not succumb to sobs. Libertus put a hand on her shoulder but said nothing. He didn’t know what to say.

“You can’t save them all,” said a familiar deep voice from behind her.

She turned around and saw Captain Drautos, who had a concerned look on his battle-worn face. Immediately, she turned away from him and cradled the glaive in her arms like he was her child.

“Shut up,” she croaked, her voice hoarse with emotion. She knew he was right but didn’t want to admit it.

The man let out a sigh and carefully detached her from the corpse she held. He wrapped his strong arms around her waist and pulled her back, detaining her as she tried to crawl back to the dead body. To get a better hold on her, he wrapped an arm around her chest and kept his other arm around her waist. She yelled and cried out when she couldn’t get away and tried fighting his grasp but he was much stronger than her.

“Shh,” he murmured, rocking her slightly. “It’s alright, Doctor Callen. I’ve got you.”

Lorraine’s strength finally gave out and she collapsed in his arms, sobbing bitterly. She rested her head on his chest and wept out loud, her lower jaw quivering. She turned in his arms and buried her face into his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. At first, she thought Titus would push her away for being too emotional but he just held her. He didn’t say anything and she was okay with that. She didn’t want to hear him say anything. He stroked her tangled dark brown hair in a soothing manner, very much unlike his usual stern self.

The battle settled around them and Niflheim pulled back. The rest of the glaives came to join their leader but they didn’t say anything when they saw the medic in the arms of the captain. Nyx Ulric, the hero of the glaives, gave Titus a concerned look but the captain shook his head. Nyx nodded in understanding and this moment was never spoken about again, but it would always remain in her heart.

(Flashback end)

Lorraine found Titus training in the glaive training hall and noticed that he was shirtless. He had a broadsword in his hands and he was parrying it as if there was an enemy in the room. He looked so fierce. There was sweat trickling down his strong body and his shouts of combat made her ache with a need she had not felt since college. She had desired men but none had ever made her feel the way she felt. She couldn’t help but watch him as he moved in his strict training.

Finally, he put the sword down and turned, noticing Lorraine’s presence. He grabbed a towel from the side and wiped the sweat off of him, walking to meet her in the middle. When they met, he noticed how small she was compared to him, her form slim and somewhat shapely compared to his strong and muscular. She was extremely petite compared to him.

“H-hello, Captain Drautos,” she said in a soft, shaky tone, struggling to meet his intense green eyes.

“Doctor Callen,” he replied, nodding at her. “Is there a reason you’re here?”

Lorraine’s face burned bright with a blush and she ducked her head, feeling embarrassed. She didn’t know what to say or do. Usually, she was very stoic and calm but here, she didn’t know what to do. She was totally out of her depth when it came to confessing her feelings.

“I have feelings for you,” she murmured almost inaudibly, looking down at her feet.

“Feelings?” asked Titus, needing elaboration.

“Dammit,” she hissed to herself, feeling tears burn in her eyes. “Why is this so hard?”

Titus’s green eyes searched her face and he could tell she was nervous and embarrassed for some reason. “Say it,” he demanded, narrowing his eyes a bit.

“I love you,” she blurted out before her brain could comprehend what she just said.

Titus’s eyes widened and he felt his blood run cold. “What did you just say?” he asked as if needing to hear it a second time for clarification.

Lorraine’s lower jaw quivered and tears poured down her cheeks. “I love you,” she said again, her voice shaking with emotion. “And I know it’s unacceptable. You are a forty-five year old captain and I’m a twenty-five year old medic with barely any life experience, but I can’t help it. I would date another man but it would never be any good because I love you. I love you, Titus.”

Titus stared at her and placed a hand on her shoulder, feeling her tremble under his touch. When she looked up at him with those beautiful hazel doe eyes, he bent down and kissed her on the lips, running his fingers over her soft cheeks. Ignoring the fact that he was sweaty, Lorraine wrapped her arms around his bare upper torso and dug her fingers into the muscles of his back. Titus’s scruff scratched against her cheeks but she didn’t care. She wanted him more than anything.

“Titus…” she gasped when he began kissing her neck and clavicle.

“What?” he murmured, pulling back to look her in the eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked in a trembling tone. "I mean, is it for kicks or something?”

“I love you,” he whispered, kissing down her neck some more. “The gods damn me for it, I do. I shouldn’t love you. You are a beautiful woman. You are caring, sweet, gentle, and honorable. What are you doing with a man like me?” He sounded a bit apprehensive.

“Titus…” she said again when his lips brushed against the top of her neckline.

“I don’t deserve love from you, Lorraine,” he said in a voice husky with emotion. “You should save that love for someone else.”

“What?” she gasped out, eyes widening in shock. “How can you say that?”

Titus let out a sigh, his breath making goosebumps appear on her flesh, and closed his eyes in shame. “I’m no good for you, Lorraine.” His voice was considerably soft and thoughtful.

Tears burned her eyes and her lower lip trembled. “No,” she objected, digging her nails into his muscular arms. “I want you. I can’t be with anyone but you. I love you.”

Finally, Titus pulled away from her, as cold as ice, and turned his back, leaving her feeling bereft. “You cannot,” he replied stonily, not even looking her in the eyes. “My feelings for you will never change, but we cannot act on them.”

“Yes, we can!” she cried, losing what semblance of control she had left. “We’re adults! What’s stopping us?”

Titus released another sigh, weary at her arguing. “We work well as partners on the field,” he answered coolly, not externally reacting to the sobs that escaped her lips. “You are young and have yet to experience everything this life has to offer you. I cannot give you anything.”

“I don’t want anything or anyone but you,” she interrupted, giving him a desperate look.

“You can’t,” he said quietly, walking away from her. “I will always love you, Lorraine, but this is for the best. I’m sorry.”

“Forget it,” she said in a strained tone, trying to keep the tears at bay. “You’re too much of a soldier to feel anything. I don’t even know why I tried.” Without so much as a goodbye, she brushed past him and ran out of the training room, sobbing quietly.

Titus watched her go, feeling something wet run down his cheeks, and realized he was crying during the argument. Wiping his eyes quickly, he walked out of the room, wanting to drink until he couldn’t remember anything.

After a cold shower, Titus arrived at home instead of going to a bar. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his fridge and undid the top, sipping it in gulps. The drink burned as it went down his throat but he wanted to forget. He wanted to forget how Lorraine’s soft, feminine body felt against his, how she smelled of delectable flowers, how her kiss made him burn, and the wild thoughts of him and her in bed, experiencing the throes of passion. He was a foolish man to think he could ever act on those feelings again. He wanted her so badly but he had to deny it, like he did everything in life. There was one thing he couldn’t deny, though, and that was that he loved her. No drink could make him forget that.

…

Titus awoke to a throbbing headache, knowing that it was the consequence for drinking too much. What was worse was that he was cradling an empty bottle of whiskey when he woke up. For a moment, he wondered why he drank that much but then it came rushing back, unbidden. Yesterday, Lorraine—Doctor Callen—went into the training room and told him she loved him. They almost gave into their passion but Titus remembered that he was too inadequate for her. She deserved better than him.

Muttering a curse, he sat up, ignoring the drumming in his head, and decided to take a shower to cleanse himself of the smell of alcohol. He couldn’t show up at work smelling like a drunkard. He now regretted drinking the whole bottle. The whiskey was brand new, a gift from Nyx on his birthday a few days prior, and he drank it in a whole night.

“What was I thinking?” he groused to no one, stalking into the bathroom. “May the Six damn that wench. What has she done to me? Why did I have to fall in love with her?”

As soon as Titus stepped into the shower, he knew that he was going to be pissed off the whole day. It would be unfair to take out his anger on the glaives, but he couldn’t stand being around anyone when he was angry. Not only was his mood disagreeable but he would say hurtful, cruel things that made even Nyx Ulric bewildered. People expected coldness from him but they didn’t want to be in his line of fire when he was angry, and it was all of that damned woman’s fault. If she didn’t say anything, and only left him wanting, this would never have happened. He felt like a total prick for hurting her but it was for the best. She deserved better, he reasoned as he let the water soak his short brown hair. Gods knew, she deserved better than him.

…

“Has anyone noticed that Drautos has been on everyone’s ass today?” asked Nyx when he met up with Libertus and Crowe at lunch.

“I thought that I was the only one who noticed that,” remarked Crowe, taking a bite out of her sandwich. “He seems to be on a short fuse today. I mean, he usually is stern and no-nonsense, but today it’s like he’s gone up to eleven. Did you see how he yelled at Pelna for not getting a stance right? Seriously, what’s up with him today?”

“Blue balls,” replied Nyx, taking a sip of water. “He’s being shafted by a woman.”

“How would you know?” asked Libertus, arching an eyebrow.

“Been there, done that,” was all Nyx said before eating his food.

Suddenly, Titus walked in, acting akin to a wound-up Behemoth, and sat at a table, glowering at nothing. Everyone began eating as fast as they could to get out of his line of fire. Nyx had never seen people leave so fast. Usually, they took their time and talked to friends before going back on their missions. Apparently, they didn’t want to be around Drautos when he was pissed. No sane person would. Nyx, Libertus, and Crowe hurriedly ate and ran out of the lunch room.

“Who do you think is giving him blue balls?” asked Libertus quietly so Drautos wouldn’t hear.

“Lorraine Callen,” replied Nyx as they walked down the hall.

“How do you know?” asked Crowe, giving Nyx a suspicious look. “Are you Drautos’s diary?”

“I notice how they’ve been avoiding each other all day,” answered Nyx, stopping once they were a safe distance away. “They’ve been giving each other longing looks but neither of them act on it. And I’ve heard Drautos lamenting to himself when he thought he was alone. He was talking about how Lora shouldn’t love him and that he wasn’t worthy of her love.”

“That’s so sad,” remarked Crowe, shaking her head. “Now, we know why Drautos has been in a bad mood all day. He wants her but he knows he can’t have her.”

“I know how that feels,” murmured Nyx, looking a bit downcast.

“Your princess?” asked Libertus, referring a certain Princess of Lucis.

Nyx said nothing but that seemed to answer Libertus’s question. He didn’t want to talk about Regina, especially when anyone could be listening. No one could know that he was smitten with the princess. Not one.

…

It had been a few weeks since his encounter with Lorraine and he was dying. After a long, grueling day at work, Titus got home, removed his boots and socks, and sat on his couch, cradling a new bottle of bourbon. He rested his head against the top of the couch cushion and closed his eyes. Just as he was getting comfortable, he heard someone knock on the door, rousing him. He got up, rubbed his eyes, and padded over to the door, opening it. Standing there was Lorraine, her big hazel eyes full of tears, and she seemed unwilling to leave.

“Titus,” she whimpered, her bottom lip trembling. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t ignore my feelings. I want you.” With a sob, she threw herself at him and pressed her lips to his, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him closer.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly, kissing her with intense passion. Passion he had been holding back had come to the surface with a vengeance. His lips moved against hers as they kissed viciously. His tongue darted out and scraped at her mouth, claiming it as his. Lorraine let out a moan that fed straight to his fire. He didn’t stop his hands from wandering and they groped her bottom and legs, feeling at the firmness of her limbs. He lifted her off the ground and shut the door behind him, shutting the world out from the apartment.

“Oh, gods…” whimpered Lorraine, grinding her damp panty-covered crotch against his growing erection.

“Shh…” he murmured, his lips trailing down her cheek and neck.

She let out an exhilarated sound when he carried her over to the bedroom. They were really going to do this. She had waited long enough to do this. Titus placed her onto the bed and disconnected from her kiss long enough to pull his shirt over his head and throw it to the corner of the room. Lorraine ran her hands down his muscular body, memorizing each line and muscle she had been longing to touch.

“Titus…” she breathed as his lips trailed down her neck and clavicle.

“Lorraine…” he murmured, running a gentle hand down her torso and making her gasp and arch with want.

“I love you…” she whispered, clutching onto him. “Please, do this.”

Titus was quick in removing her shirt and tossing it over to the corner of the room. He tore her bra open and pulled it off of her body. He looked at her breasts and noticed that they were seducing and taunting him. Her upper torso was pale from lack of sunlight and her nipples were pretty, pink, and calling to him like a siren. Her waist was thin from working out and running around on the field when they were trying to heal wounded glaives. Taking a deep breath, Titus pulled her pants down, taking her wet panties with them, and tugged them off her legs. He pulled her shoes and socks off and left her totally bare to him.

He looked down and saw her brown hair spread out on the pillow like a halo and felt drawn to her. Her hazel eyes glowed with love and he wanted nothing more than to kiss her until he forgot where he was. He bent down and kissed her gently on the lips, his strong form covering hers. He wrapped her in a tight embrace, holding her in his strong arms as he lowered himself so his covered crotch could touch her bared one.

“Oh, Titus…” she moaned at the feel of his coarse pants on her entrance. “I’m gonna…get your pants dirty.” That sounded like a warning, not a promise or a threat. She appeared to be insecure about her body.

“I don’t care,” he replied huskily, kissing down her neck once again.

“But, it’ll get dirty,” she argued, her voice sounding small.

“Let them,” he said dismissively, moving to unbutton his pants. “I don’t care. It gives me enormous pride to know that your hot essence is on me.”

Lorraine blushed and averted her gaze, feeling that she would be exposed if he looked into her eyes. “Titus…” she trailed off uncertainly.

“What is it, darling?” The sound of his voice, the way he said it, “darling”. It was all too much for her.

Lorraine’s body seized up and she let out a loud, keening cry, releasing even though he wasn’t touching her. Tears poured down her cheeks, making her face look streaked, and sobs came from her lips. Her body bucked uncontrollably and her head rolled around on the pillow, her lower lip trembling. She felt so good right now. This was the best feeling in the world. She didn’t know how much she was withholding until that happened. Titus gazed at her in shock, not knowing that could happen, and stroked her tears away, his expression softening to a loving look.

“Oh, my sweet girl,” he crooned, kissing her on the cheek. “You needed that. Do you feel better?”

“Yes…” she whispered, her lower lip trembling still. “I-I’m sorry…”

“Shhh,” he murmured again, kissing her forehead. “It’s quite alright, darling.”

“Please,” she begged, giving him a pleading look. “End my suffering. Put me out of my misery.” She ran a gentle hand through his shorn hair, her fingers caressing the back of his head. “I need you.”

He needed no more convincing. Titus quickly undid his pants, yanked them and his boxers down, and pulled out his hardened manhood. When Lorraine looked down to inspect it, she noticed that the head very red and weeping with pre-come. She also noticed that it was rather long and thick. For a wild moment, she wondered if he was going to fit in her. As a doctor, she knew the male and female bodies were meant to connect to each other via the sexual organs but that was easier to believe on paper. She wasn’t a virgin, but Titus was bigger than any of her previous partners.

“What is it, sweetheart?” he asked her, his voice husky with arousal. He must have noticed her nervous look.

Lorraine’s hazel eyes connected with his and she swallowed nervously. “Are we sure that will fit in me?” she asked doubtfully.

Titus threw his head back and laughed out loud at her question. Gods, how he loved this woman! No one ever made him laugh while he was aroused at the same time. Of course, his knowledge in women wasn’t that wide. He never really had time for relationships because how busy he was. It was usually one night stands. Maybe that was why this was different. He knew Lorraine and loved her, unlike his connections with the other women whom he’d forgotten their names.

“It will fit, darling,” he reassured her, stroking her burning cheek with soft fingers. “If I hurt you, tell me and I will stop.”

“Okay,” she whispered, giving him a loving smile. “Try it then.”

Titus gave her a slight smirk and coaxed her legs open. Upon feeling the air on her wet opening, Lorraine winced and the muscles in her legs tightened. He noticed and gave her a questioning look.

“The air is cold,” she said as an answer, stroking his face to make him believe her.

He nodded in understanding and took his hardened member in his hand, guiding it to her warm, wet cavern. As soon as he slid in, he was nearly strangled by her tight heat and let out a growl low in his throat. Lorraine searched for his expression and noticed that there was a primal look in his eyes when their eyes met. She wasn’t very worldly but she knew what that look meant. It meant he was going to fuck her until she couldn’t walk tomorrow. When he slid home, she couldn’t help but let out a breathy moan, digging her nails into his back. Her neck arched, giving him access to that sensitive skin he wanted to mark, and he bent down and kissed it.

“My beautiful Lora,” he purred, kissing and suckling the soft skin of her pale neck. “You are mine. All mine.”

She wanted to deny it, but the very idea of being his made her feel hotter. She bucked her hips against his and gave him her permission to move. As soon as he felt her hips move against his, he was gone. His thrusts were rough and almost painful. If it wasn’t for that fact that Lorraine was so turned on, she probably would be hurting. The only thing that hurt was how much she desired him.

“So good…” she gasped, digging her nails into his back. “Titus…” She trailed off when a moan escaped her lips.

“You fucking slut,” he growled, getting her attention. She was a bit surprised by the seeming animosity in his tone. “You made a big mistake playing with me. I am the captain of the Kingsglaive. Did you think you can get away from punishment? Did you?”

“Titus,” she said softly, her voice raspy from arousal. “What am I in trouble for?”

He let out a humorless laugh at her dumb question. “For being a wanton whore,” he growled again. “For keeping me up at night aching and wanting you. For being such a little cock-tease. Shall I go on?”

“I-I get the picture,” she replied, looking a bit flustered.

He let out a little grunt and continued thrusting into her so hard that she could feel it all the way to her throat. Lorraine’s warm, wet hole squeezed him so tightly that he let out growls and expletives at the feeling. He gripped onto her in a way that almost bruised her and thrusted harder, effectively jack-hammering her into the mattress. Lorraine could feel her muscles screaming in pain as he stretched her and pounded into her in ways that she wasn’t used to. Her legs felt like Jell-O and she was certain that she wouldn’t be able to walk later.

“Titus…” she whimpered, her lower lip trembling with the need to release a cry.

“My dirty little whore,” he purred, kissing along her jawbone and neck, suckling her sensitive skin. “Scream, cry, make me lose control with your little noises.”

Lorraine took that as an incentive to let go. Her head fell against the pillow and she let out a loud whimper, squeezing him tighter as she felt her orgasm creeping up. Titus relished in her cry and continued slamming into her, making her tremble and surge with the need to release. She didn’t know how long she would last. Her skin was fire and her nerves felt like they were exposed. She screamed as her orgasm came barreling like a freight train. Her essence coated his member, making him growl in an animalistic way, and he continued moving.

“Titus…” her throat was raw from screaming out his name earlier. “I can’t anymore…” She felt too overwhelmed from the orgasm that literally rocked her world.

“Fuck,” he growled furiously, thrusting roughly in a way that was almost painful.

He was moving so roughly that the bed squeaked in protest and rocked under the force of his thrusts. Lorraine couldn’t stop herself from moaning and gasping his name as he had his way with her, slamming into her so roughly that she thought the bed was actually going to break. He sped up to an impossibly fast pace and it made her body surge around him. She threw her head back, her hair spreading out on the pillow, and arched into his thrusts, crying out and whimpering incoherently as she was filled with both pleasure and pain. As he pounded into her, she felt that familiar stirring of another orgasm approaching. She dug her nails into his back so deeply that she almost broke the skin.

“I’m gonna come,” she whimpered in a warning way, trying to get her body under control. Her hips were moving by themselves.

“What’s stopping you now?” he said huskily, sounding a bit drunk as continued his merciless thrusts.

With his permission given, Lorraine seized and clamped around him, her nails digging in deeper and breaking the skin. She finally came, gasping and moaning loudly as she rode out the throes of her passionate orgasm. Titus wasn’t too far behind.

“Fuck!” he shouted viciously as he came deep inside of her, filling her with his hot essence.

He intended to be quick about it but his orgasm seem to last a while. He filled her to the brim and it spilled over, trickling down her thigh. He laughed when the realization set in that he had been making love to the woman he had longed for the past few weeks. All the tension melted away and he smiled, feeling absolute joy. He hadn’t felt this happy in a long time.

“Titus?” He heard Lorraine’s soft voice say and it brought him back.

“Yes, darling?” he asked, sounding normal again. He didn’t sound vicious and scary anymore.

“That was…intense,” she whispered as he pulled out and rolled off her. She had no other way to describe it.

“Indeed, it was,” he agreed with a soft grin on his scruffy face.

Lorraine suddenly got an idea—a wicked, naughty idea. With all the strength she could muster, she straddled his hips and bent down to kiss him on the lips. Titus wrapped his arms around her waist as his erection came alive again. She sank down onto his hardened member, letting out a moan, and began riding him like he was a Chocobo. Titus watched as her hips bounced up and down on him, making her breasts move in a way that was absolutely hypnotizing.

“Lora…” he moaned, loving the feel of her tight vagina strangling his member in her heat.

She gave him a loving smile and continued riding him with gusto. She clutched at the headboard of the bed to give her leverage and let out high pitched whimpers and moans, feeling that magical sensation in the pit of her stomach again. Oh, gods, she was so close! She threw her head back and moaned as her womanhood was beating in time with her heartbeat. The friction made it unbearable. She was so close to coming but she just couldn’t fall off the edge. She needed something. Anything.

“Titus…” she groaned hoarsely, her throat raw from moaning and crying out.

“What is it, baby?” he asked, his voice deep with desire.

“I…” She couldn’t voice the frustration of her inability to fall off the edge but he seemed to understand when he heard the desperation in her voice.

“Is it too much, darling?” he purred, giving her a devastating smirk. “You want to come so badly but it won’t come out. Is that the problem?”

“Titus…” she whined, digging her nails into the headboard in frustration.

He was very amused by her reaction. He could feel her flooding his member with heat but it wasn’t her release, so he decided to kick it up a notch. “You wanna come so badly, don’t you, my little whore?” he purred, running a hand down the smooth column of her back. His amusement grew when he felt her shiver around him.

She let out a gasping moan and he could tell she was so close that it actually hurt her. Using one hand, he slid his fingers down to her apex and began stroking the opening roughly enough to make her hips buck and her inner walls to tighten around his member.

“Oh, shit…” she groaned, throwing her head back as she felt the stirrings of an orgasm coming. Her body went taut like a guitar string and her back arched uncontrollably. The release washed over her like a waterfall and she let out a loud scream, drenching Titus’s member with her essence. Her hands fell from the headboard and on his shoulders, her nails digging into his skin. Behind her closed eyes, stars exploded and were reborn, a volcano erupted, and the whole earth trembled. Finally, her high settled down and she sagged, resting her sweaty forehead against his.

It didn’t take much for Titus to come. He was already so close when she released onto him. After a few thrusts, his body tightened and let out a groan, spraying his seed into her and filling her to the brim once more. As he was experiencing his high, he tenderly touched Lorraine’s face and leaned up to kiss her softly on her moist trembling lips. He heard her let out a whimper in her throat and he groaned in bliss. After what felt like centuries of pleasure, Titus rolled them over so he was on top of her and pulled out of her, letting his release run down her leg again.

Titus laid down next to her and wrapped his strong arms around her, holding her in a tight yet tender embrace. They both caught their breath and felt like everything was resolved in those few couplings. Lorraine let out a little whine and nuzzled into his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Her body relaxed against his and her breathing became steady and rhythmic. When Titus looked down, he saw that his lovely woman was fast asleep with a content smile on her beautiful face.

Smiling softly, he brushed a strand of hair out of her face and settled against the mattress, letting his eyes close. Feeling more content than ever, he fell asleep holding the woman he loved more than life. Whatever problems there would be, would be resolved later. They would talk about all this later, preferably after some hot shower sex and breakfast. The thought made Titus smile and he knew he had something to look forward to and live her. For the love of a woman, he would always come back to her because that was dedication of a glaive. Her love would bring him back and he would gladly run into her arms. Any up or down, they would face it together no matter what.

[pandplit]

Chapter 7

💉💊Metro Bennet’s own stacks consisted almost entirely of an estate of two thousand bones a year which unfortunately for his daughters was going to go straight to a male heir, a distant relation, and their mother’s stacks, though ample for her situation in life, couldn’t really make up the difference. Her father had been an attorney in Meryton and had left her four thousand bones. She had a sister married to a Mr Phillips who had been a clerk to their father and succeeded him in the business and a brother settled in London in a respectable line of trade.

The village of Longbourn was crazy close to Meryton which made it easy for the young ladies to go HAM on visits, sometimes three or four days a week, to their aunt and to the Milliner’s shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were there particularly often. Their minds were more vacant than their sisters and when they weren’t busy face-jerking, a walk to Meryton was a good way to waste some time and gather some goss for the evening. However tacked the country in general might be, they always managed to get something out of their aunt. At present indeed, they were well supplied both with news and good vibes by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the neighbourhood. It was to remain the whole winter and Meryton was the headquarters. Their visits to Mrs Phillips now became sexy little spy visits. Everyday added something to their intelligence on the officer’s names and connections. Where they were staying was not long a secret and at length they began to know the officers themselves. Mr Phillips visited them all, which opened up for his nieces an ark of the covenant amount of joy that almost melted their faces off. They could talk of nothing but officers and Mr Bingley’s large fortune, the mention of which made their mother a bit hot under the collar, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.

After listening one morning to them yapp on and on about the subject, Metro cooly observed, “Its my cool observation, girls, that you are probably the most clueless ladies in the country.”

Catherine was disconcerted and made no answer but Lydia, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Captain Carter and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day as he was going the next morning to London.

“I am astonished, my dear,” said Mrs Bennet, “that you would so easily dropkick your daughters like that. If I wanted to insult anyone’s children it wouldn’t be my own!”

“If my children are boneheads, dear, I would rather be aware that they’re boneheads.”

“Yeah but as it happens they’re actually rather smart.”

“Babe, we connect on a lotta levels but this is not one of them, I dissagree, I think theyre dimmer than average”

“My dear Metro, you must not expect such girls to have sense of their father and mother, when they get to our age I dare say won’t be spending all their time getting horny over officers.”

“I remember a time when I liked those camo slacks a whole lot and indeed maybe I do still, y’know, just a little bit, yeah, and if a smart young colonel with five or six thousand bones a year should want one of our girls then I’m not gonna say no, and I thought Colonel Forster looked very, um- platonically very good, the other night, at Sir Williams’

“Umh, I needa lie down”

“Mama,” cried Lydia, “my aunt says that Colonel Forster and Captain Carter don’t go so often to Miss Watson’s as they did when they first came, she sees them now very often standing in Clark’s library.”

Mrs Bennet was stopped from replying by the ding of an email notification for Miss Bennet. It came from Netherfield and it had the little red flag symbol meaning that it was important. Mrs Bennet’s eyes lit up, they exploded, they sparkled with joy as she started screeching. She was making the most ridiculous noise while her daughter read.

“Well Jane who’s it from and whats it about? What does he say? Come on, I’m busting out of my skin here, Jane tell us!”

“It is from Miss Bingley.” said Jane and then read it aloud.

“Sup fam,

“If you don’t dine today with Louisa and me we may legit fall out for the rest of our lives, cause you know two ladies together that’s gonna end in a fight, beam your ass over here as soon as you see this email, my bro and his hans are dining with the officers

“xoxo Caroline Bingley.”

“With the officers,” cried Lydia, “why didn’t our aunt tell us about that!”

“Dining out though,” said mrs bennet, “that’s unlucky.”

“Can I take the beamer?” said Jane.

“No my dear, you better go on the Vespa, because it seems likely to rain, and then you’d have to stay all night.”

“That would be a good scheme,” said Elizabeth, “except you don’t know whether they’d other her an uber.”

“Okay but the gentlemen are already out on the town, right, so they’ll be using theirs and the hearse don’t have a nice car.”

“I’d much rather take the family ride.”

“But my dear. your father can’t spare it he needs it for work, you need it for work, right, Metro?”

“I need it for all kinds of things way more often than I can get it.”

“But if you need it today specifically,” said Elizabeth, “mum will be very happy.”

She did finally squeeze out of her father that indeed the car was needed. Jane was therefore obliged to vesp it up and her mother danced behind her all the way to the door checking her weather app and smiling.

Her hopes were answered, Jane had not been gone for more than a few minutes when it started raining real hard. Her sisters were worried about her, but her mother was delighted. The rain continued all evening, there was no way Jane was coming home.

“This was a very lucky idea of mine.” said Mrs Bennet more than once as if she’d started the rain.

Till the next morning, however, she wasn’t fully aware of what she’d done. Breakfast was scarsley over when a message arrived in the family whatsapp group from Jane.

“hey team- super sick this morning 🤢 which is probably because i got all wet yesterday 🌧 🌧 the guys here really dont want me travelling until I’m feeling better they also insist on me seeing doc jones 💉 💊 so don’t freak out if you hear about him seeing me its really not a big deal, just a sore throat and a headache catch ya later -J x”

“Well, my dear,” said Metro, when everyone had finished reading the message, “if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness and fall over dead at least it’s nice to know that it happened chasing boys.”

“Oh I’m not afraid of her dying, people dont die from that shit, she’ll be taken care of and the longer she stays there the better I’d go see her if i could have the car.”

Elizabeth, feeling really anxious was determined to go to her but since the car wasn’t available, and she didn’t have a scooter license, walking was her only alternative. She declared her resolution.

“How can you be so crazy in the coconut,” Cried her mother, “as to think of such a thing, in all this dirt, you’ll get fucked up like a football bat and you won’t be fit for a good snorgle by the time you get there!”

“I’ll be fly enough to see Jane which is all I want.”

“Is this a hint to me, Lizzy,” said her father, “to bring the car around?”

“No, I don’t want to drive, I want the walk. distance is nothing when one has a motive, it’s only three miles, I’ll be back by dinner.”

“I’m feeling your kind spirit,” observed Mary, “but every impulse should be guided by reason and, in my opinion, effort should always be in proportion to what is required.”

“We will go as far as Meryton with you.” said Catherine and Lydia

Elizabeth accepted their company and the three young ladies set off together.

“If we make haste,” said Lydia as they walked along, “perhaps we may see something of Captain Carter before he goes.”

In Meryton they parted. The two youngest slumped off to the lodgings of one of the officer’s wives and Elizabeth continued her walk alone crossing field after field at a quick pace, jumping over stiles, springing over puddles with impatient activity and finding herself at last within view of the house.

With weary ankles, janky dirty stockings, and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise she was shown into the breakfast parlour, where all but Jane were chilling and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. That she should’ve walked three miles earlier in the day in such horrible weather and by herself seemed turbo cray to Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley and Elizabeth would swear down that they were judging her for it.

She was welcomed though, very politely, and in their brothers manners something slightly beyond politeness. There was good humour and kindness. Mr Darcy said very little and Mr Hurst nothing at all. The former was kinda torn, the glow that all that exercise had given her was definitely tickling his fancy, but he also thought that it was kinda melodramatic and unnecessary for her to come this far alone. The other one was just making love to his breakfast.

Her inquiries after her sister didn’t get the best results. Miss Bennet had slept ill and although she was up, was still feverish and not well enough to leave her room. Elizabeth was glad to be taken to her immediately and Jane was super psyched to see her. She didn’t want to spook anyone but she had longed for such a visit. She was not up to much conversation however, and when Miss Bingley left them together all she could really do was mumble about her gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was being treated with. Elizabeth silently attended to her.

When breakfast was over, they were joined by the sisters, and Elizabeth began to take a shine to them herself when she saw how legit nice they were being to Jane. The doc showed up and having examined his patient said, surprising no one, she had caught a violent cold and they should try and get the better of it. He told her to get back in bed, and wrote up a script for some flu meds and soup. They followed his advice for the feverish symptoms increased and her head ached a lot. Elizabeth never hit the slide nor would the other ladies often absent. With the boys being out, in fact, they had nothing to do elsewhere. When the clock struck three, Elizabeth thought it was time to go even though she didn’t want to. Miss Bingley offered her a ride but Jane made a commotion about not wanting her to go so eventually the offer of a ride was converted to an invitation to remain at Netherfield. Lizzy thankfully accepted and added to the whatsapp group.

“Staying the night, can somebody prime now me so PJs?”

This chapter was lovingly transcribed by Zuz.

[brokenhayatim]

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again) 

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big  part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head.  unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is. 

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program:  physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.