#like i have that episode sculpted in my brain since i was like 10

[spkyart]

Listen up! My endless love for Pokémons started from the anime, so I can be emotional about It

It's been a long ride Ash, goodbye, you are the very best. 🥹

[mxwhore]

Talk about your workouts?

I'm kinda in the same boat about maybe never gonna be able to start T and I've been thinking about working out to help with the gender. But I have no idea where to start or what to do. I haven't exercised since like middle school pe...

thanks for reaching out! im no professional trainer but ive worked out episodically through my life and have a bit of biology knowledge to guide you with!

If you havent worked out in a while, its best to start with mobility exercises. They will prevent your joints from hurting badly if/when you start with strenous exercise like weight training. I recommend the youtube channels Hybrid Calisthenics and Squat University for those, they are quite cool and not condescending at all.

Once you feel more confident in your mobility, you MUST do mild cardio to improve your resistence. You can achieve this by walking uphill 10-20 minutes a day at a pace where you dont lose your breath. There are a lot of cardio videos in youtube but i dont recommend them at your stage since going above 130 ppm without previous training may be dangerous.

You know how some cis women refuse to train the chest cuz they are afraid their boobs will decrease in size? This (sadly) doesnt happen. Localized fat burn has not been proved. You can reduce breast size (if thats your objective) via generalized fat loss, which is achieved thru a mixture of exercise and (fuck!!!) calorie deficit. Dont give up on your chest tho, you can still sculpt it!!

That being said, you can still build a more masculine shape by training your upper body!! Swimming is a (very fun!!) exercise that trains your whole body but also builds back, shoulders, chest and core very efficiently.

Finally, if you start feeling lightheaded at any moment, SLOW DOWN AND DONT STOP ABRUPTLY. Take care of your beautiful brain and heart.

Im a firm believer that everyone should work out if theyre able to and have fun while doing it!! I hope this helps and i wish you a beautiful journey

[fabrickind]

Hello there!

(babe you can't publish this ask and NOT expect me to chime in) (also silencedrowns is my actual irl partner. like, we live together. I'm not just using "babe" to be overly familiar lmao)

This won't work for everyone, but it works for me, even with working full time and battling chronic illness:

Schedule blocks of time. Even if you just set aside 10 minutes to organize the fabric for a project or to sew one seam, it's SOMETHING. Having scheduled time will also help you get back into the habit of it rather than it being a nebulous thing you can do whenever.

Carve out time where you can. Do you take public transit to work? Hand sewing time! Have to sit through a painful Zoom meeting or a boring class? Embroidery! Sitting in the laundromat? Waiting for your movie to start or for your MMO raid time? Can you think of other small bits of time you can squeeze some work into?

Set rewards. Small and tangible rewards. Don't let yourself do or get the thing without doing your goal first. This could be literally anything, and you can work your way up -- get a nice coffee drink once you cut the fabric or style the wig. Treat yourself to a day at the aquarium or whatever once you finish the whole costume. I like to buy myself boba after a shoot as a treat, and sometimes I'll do things like "if I finish this costume/this tutorial/these three photoshoots/etc. I can buy that video game I wanted/CD I wanted/other minor thing that I don't NEED and wouldn't normally buy but would love to have" and group it together for a bigger reward. I'll also sometimes tie it back to cosplay -- usually photography equipment as a reward haha

Bounce to something else. If you have another project going at the same time, great! Go work on that when you get frustrated with one project. Maybe even set up smaller, simpler projects specifically as these filler projects, so you know it'll be something you enjoy working on. If there's another part of the same costume, you can also bounce to that (say, you're frustrated with sculpting the prop, so you move on to sewing the dress), which is helpful if you are working under deadline. This will help with the attention span issue, since you're not doing the same task over and over. Try to find a different genre of task to work on.

Take breaks. Often and as needed. Don't feel guilty about needing time to recover. Hell, use the Pomodoro method or similar when crafting if you need to. Set time limits on your breaks if you can -- "I'm going to clear these two shrines in Zelda and then look at it again" or "I'm going to have a snack and once I'm done with this pot of tea I'll go back". I don't find it helpful to set time limits because then I'm just dreading the end of that time and watching the clock, but refocusing on something else that has a concrete ending will be more flexible and help your brain focus on that thing instead of your costume. Also don't underestimate the power of literally just going to sleep and looking at it again the next day. These things also help with attention span.

You can also do this the other way -- craft for a set period. "I'll do this task for three episodes of this anime" or "I'll take a break after this movie/podcast/whatever." I find having media on the background helps me, but make sure it's something you don't need to pay TOO much attention to. (I watch old ecchi anime for this purpose oops) It's also a good little motivator if you decide to only watch that anime or listen to that podcast or whatever while crafting, because then you will want to craft to get to the next episode!

If you need deadlines to work well, great! Set those for yourself, but try not to tie to a con if you can. That's how you end up crunching. If you set deadlines of your own, you can always set that deadline for another time if you don't think you can do it. This also ties in with rewards -- I like to reward myself when hitting the deadline, but if I have to move the deadline back, I'll still reward myself for hitting the new one. That way, I have external motivation to hit the deadline so I don't keep pushing it out indefinitely, but also nothing is lost and I'm not punishing myself for needing more time.

If you have crafter friends, set up Discord crafting nights or lean on them to encourage you (obviously don't use them emotionally, but have it be a reciprocal cheering on and supporting of friends). Just put on voice chat and craft. Ask someone to text you to ask for your progress (especially useful if you fall into an ADHD hole and scroll your phone for hours on your day off and forget everything else). Find a way to create little reminders and small motivations for yourself.

I know this is easier said than done, but try to reframe the way your brain thinks about crafting. If you're the type to go into a guilt spiral about not crafting, reframe it to yourself -- your body and mind both need rest, it's okay to put things off for another con, it's a hobby and should be fun so if it gets too stressful it's okay to take a step back, etc. Repeat these things to your brain until it gets the message....or until you have the motivation to craft, which will then also help.

If you just REALLY can't push yourself to do something, find a way to get excited about the project again. Reconsume the media. Infodump on a willing friend (seriously everyone needs friends who are willing to mutually infodump about their interests haha). Look at fanart. Listen to the soundtrack. Plan out photoshoot locations and poses. Plan a silly little con ribbon, item you'll give out, or joke photos you want to take. Rope a friend in to cosplaying it with you. If none of that sparks anything, then shelve the project, work on something you ARE excited about, and then come back to it.

If you have a sudden burst of crafting energy, ride that baby out.

It can be HARD to e a working adult who crafts and also doesn't easily get the motivation to do so, but I usually find that once I get back into after a longer period, just that makes me excited again. I also find that starting is the hardest part, or starting back up after a longer break, so if you find that motivation, inertia takes over to some extent (or, at least, the desire to get the project DONE).

Also remembering that it's just a hobby: done is better than perfect. You rarely will have actual obligations to do your hobby. (If you find that things like groups are too much stress, don't do them, and if you find that groups are a good motivator, do them -- giving yourself an obligation can either help or not help depending on your specific brain weasels)

Not all these tips will work for everyone since it's just what works for me, but I hope that helps and gives some ideas! Good luck :]

How do you motivate yourself to work on costumes? Between my short attention span and being tired after working, I never feel motivated to work on cosplay, especially when it's a particularly difficult or daunting part.

honestly if you figure this out please tell me

I’ve been struggling with this a LOT and it’s why I’ve been doing a lot more difficult wigs and upgraded taobao lately. It’s so hard!

[joonyverse]

too close. - Suho (EXO) (oneshot)

A/N: this series is totally based on real-life experience. a story that seems cliche? but i can assure you this is really what happened in my life, although i dramatized it more, but hence explained the first person point of view.

Summary: what are we? we are too close for friends, too distant for lover. you are so close yet so far. we both know there’s something between us, but what is it? are you entirely sure that you’re letting her go? or are you slowly coming back... to her?

Genre: angst, fluff, slowburn (kinda)

Warning: bad english, grammar mistakes, some curses here and there, slight trigger warning

Suho x Readers

oneshot

I... I truly don’t know where it first started. Was it during the mid semester examination? Or was it during the first day of new semester? Or was it somewhere along the timeline and I just... didn’t realize? Or was it me on denial?

I don’t even know what even caused it. I don’t know how. I’m the notorious y/n. Focused on my study is all i care about. Lover? I’m passed that.

But somehow. Somehow. That one message from you that evening makes me feel... so important. Makes me feel like I could take on the world. Makes me feel like the feeling of being alive is blooming back inside my heart that has been long filled with emptiness and monochrome memories.

And suddenly that one message from you, it makes my heart beats again. It makes me found a new motivation. A motivation that has long gone, now coming back, all because of you? A feeling that’s been so long since I last felt it, suddenly I’m going through it again? All because of you?

[Suho], 20:20: y/n, i may seem desperate, but can you help me? Pls! 

[y/n], 20:25: sure! What can I help you with?

[Suho], 20:26: for our economy class, can you help me with this thing about distribution? I still can’t get the hang of it somehow

[y/n], 20:27: lmao, can you believe it? The smart great suho! Part of the notorious exo gang! Asking for my help! But sure, sending you the notes! 

[Suho], 20:28: GREAT! THANKS Y/N!!!

Perhaps it’s the way I know how nice you are? Perhaps it’s how I found you adorable at the time? But really, I didn’t mean to fall this deep into it.

There I feel you. Staring at me. I can’t see it for sure, but I can feel your eyes burning into the back of my head. And honestly speaking, I’m beyond nervous to even look back. My brain is somehow more focused into thinking how do I engage a conversation with you, rather than into the test itself.

An idea popped out in my head. Stupid. I truly know the answer to the question, to hell with, I even answered it. But for the sake of engaging a conversation, I turned my head back, into your way. Low key feeling afraid of getting caught.

“Psst, Suho, what’s number 10?” I asked in a whisper. My heart beats fast.

Suddenly, you moved forward, getting closer to me. I swear we’re only inches apart, if it wasn’t for your table between us. 

“Sorry, what did you say?” Suho asked again. It seems like he didn’t hear what I was saying. At that moment I hesitate to continue it, too nervous to do so. But I gathered my courage and ask him the same question again.

“Ah! It’s B” he answered, in a whisper, doesn’t want to make the teacher aware of both of you.

“Thank you!” I said, in a lower whisper, as I turned my head back forward into its original place.

Ever since then, I keep noticing you. Noticing the smell or the scent of you. Noticing the smallest thing about you. It’s fluttering yet annoying. I hate how I let myself getting into this mess.

I knew I don’t have a chance with you to begin with. I’m literally longing for something that’s impossible, and it’s silently killing me. 

“Oh my god- y/n! You’re so in love!” My friends teased. 

I can’t control the blush that painted my cheeks. “Shut up oh my god, I hate you all” I muttered loud enough.

“Oh? Oh? Y/n? Won’t you look who sat at the seat right at the opposite of you?” My friend who sat beside me said as she nudged me.

I look up from my food. Only to found the very man I’ve admiring from afar to sat at the seat behind my friends’, facing me.

I quickly looked down and ate my food again. Too startled to respond to the situation. He was with his friends, looking damn good like the usual.

From time to time, I stole some glances at him. Just for a slight second. His chubby cheeks are just so adorable while he’s eating, and I can’t help but feel the urge to pinch them. Seeing him ate makes me feel full myself. 

Perhaps, my friends are right... I’m perhaps so in love. 

But who am I kidding? Suho is a nice man. Nice to everyone. Despite being friends with such jocks, he knows what he prioritizes. He’s smart. And his look? It’s a bonus point. How can someone not fall for him?

The grieve mistake I made was, stole glance at him at the wrong time. I swear I caught him staring at me. The fact he was staring at me got me off guard. I quickly look at my food and finish it. Brushing the awkward moment away.

It doesn’t help that he and I worked for the same event. We got closer of course! Our relationship gets more playful too. It was the happiest episode in my life, the happiest I’ve ever been in a while.

The littlest moment of ours, I cherished them a lot.

“Suho! I swear to god! If you step on me one more time!” I whisper-shouted at him, trying not to disturb the class. He was sitting beside me. And for some reason, he keeps stepping on my foot, of course in a no harming way, just to let his playful side out.

I see that he didn’t remove his foot from mine. His face calm. He knows I was complaining yet he pretended like he didn’t hear. So I put my other foot on top of his that stepping on me. As soon as I put it down, I realize the mistakes I made. 

His face turned at you, as his other leg being put on top of your other one. “I have two legs, y/n” he said before he stuck out his tongue at you. 

I mentally slapped myself for it.

“I swear to god, Suho let me go!” I said as I struggle to get my legs out of the ‘legs sandwich’ we just made.

“I swear to god, Suho let me go!” He mocked. I can’t help but giggle slightly at his playfulness. To my surprise, he giggled along with me.

Not known to him, my heart beats 12 times faster. I’m loving this moment very much. Perhaps... more than I’m supposed to.

“Y/n, aren’t you afraid?” My friend asked.

My head turned at her. Confused at the question. “Of what?” I asked.

“Liking him, of course” she said casually.

In that moment, I fell into a deep thought. I knew I’m gonna get hurt, just like always. I know where this is going, where its final destination is.

“It’s not that serious, so... not really” I said to her. The lie was so obvious. Even I can detect it. If my friend know, she didn’t say anything. It makes me cringe how I lie through my own teeth. It feels more like I’m convincing myself than her.

“Okay, I just don’t want you to hurting” she said. “Real question though, how could you like him knowing his history?” She asked again.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I know. I know it all. More of the reason why I shouldn’t like him. But what can I do? I can’t control my own feeling sometimes, and it’s suffocating.

I know. I know for a fact that he...

“You know that he loves Anna for years now right?” She said. 

It stabbed me right through the heart. I know, I really do know. That was really uncalled for. It feels like having a lime juice being poured over an open cut.

“Nana, I told you, it’s not that deep, I’ll get over it” I shrugged. Not really in the mood to discuss this any further.

It seems like Nana sensed my discomfort. She stopped asking.

The room was quiet. Every one was focused on their tests that they failed on. It was just me, Suho, and two other friends who managed to pass the test.

We were quietly chatting, not wanting to disturb the silence. 

“You know my love stories never end well” a friend named Jenna said. I quickly high fived her slowly. “Same, me too” I relate to her.

“Suho, aren’t you keep getting rejected by Anna?” Jenna asked.

I slowly cower back. Leaning back onto the back of my seat. The question intrigued me. But I’m just... way too afraid of the answer.

I can hear Suho slowly sighed. My eyes were focused on him. Interested yet afraid at what he had to say.

“She’s really hard to get... So I moved on you know” he said. No matter how much he tried to hide it, I can hear the devastation in his voice. I know how that feels. Believe me, I do.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time. It’s good that it boosts the little confidence in me to believing that I have a chance. But... it’s also bad, I just feel so bad for... liking someone that isn’t mine from the beginning, someone I have no chance with, someone who... supposedly my own friend’s.

Anna is a good friend of mine. She’s really nice. No matter how much I tried to hate her, I just can’t. She’s just way too nice and way too pretty. If I were Suho, she’d totally be the girl I fight for.

I mean,

Who would fall for a broken hearted fragile souled me? 

Anyone would choose the perfectly sculpted vase instead of the broken shattered into pieces one.

It was tiring. Physically and mentally. Studying and brainstorming took a lot in me. And so there I was, with my friends, hanging out in the cafeteria. Every once in a while, I took a sip of my chocolate milk, while staring into the distance. Not one of us saying anything, enjoying the silence, knowing every each one of us are spent from all of the studies, knowing very well, we only have one mandatory extra class left. Which by the way, is hell.

Suddenly, something caught Nana’s attention. I saw her eyes widened at the sight. Her strangeness caught my attention as well. “What?” I asked, curiosity peaking in.

“He’s here! Suho’s here!” she said, eyes still set on him.

I don’t need to look back. I heard Baekhyun, Suho’s friend, voice booming throughout the cafeteria. His loudness was the one that caught my attention, enough for me to look back.

Honestly speaking, I’m not even in the mood to have Suho in my line of vision. I’m too tired of everything. Tired of my study, tired of my feels. Tired of seeing him, feel my heart blooming, only to shatter at the reminisce that he will never be… mine, or even look my way.

“Oh? He’s not alone?” Nana added.

My curiosity got the best of me. I look back again. Saw him and Baekhyun were sitting with two girls at the opposite seats of them. Seems like they were in deep conversation.

“Lucky for you, they are within my hearing range” Nana said as she winked at me.

I keep looking at Nana expectantly. Hoping for… something. Anything really. God damnit, I don’t even know what exactly I’m hoping for the outcome.

I saw it. I saw the light disappear from her face, how her expression darkened. 

“What?” I asked, trying to keep it casual, like as if I’m expecting nothing. 

Nana turned her head at me. Her eyes seems saying something that I know the meaning of, but won’t accept it. “Seems like he’s getting matchmade” she said.

I sighed. I try not to let it show that it’s slowly killing me inside. That I’m broken. I feel so stupid for being like this. I know what I’m going into, yet I’m still hurt. This feel so unfair.

“I don’t care, I’m too busy” I lied. Well, not really. I really am busy. Being in senior year and have to work on the school’s biggest event as a division chief is not an easy job. To make things worse, I have personal feeling that I hate to admit but getting in the way of my priorities.

I feel my throat tightens. The familiar burning sensation around my eyes. I feel like I’m going to broke down. But, I’m just not one to broke down in front of my eyes.

“y/n?, are you okay?” Nana asked.

I gulped. Knowing fully well I can’t lie at the fact I’m on the verge of tears. I know. I know they see the tears Im holding in. I don’t know which one hurts more anymore, the burn in my eyes, or the burn in my heart.

“I-I’m too stressed out” I excused as I choked on my words. I know I should’ve let them know the truth. To hell with, they probably know the truth, and I’m hella grateful they decided not to act on it.

I quickly packed my bag and get up from my seat. I feel like I’d just lose my cool and sanity if I keep staying there. I can feel Nana following me afterward.

Things getting more and more confusing. I swear I’ve never felt so conflicted in my whole life. And… it’s very suffocating. Because honestly talking, I don’t know who got the answer, even if I do, I don’t have the courage to ask for it.

It’s so confusing. I rather have him be clear of his liking towards other girls, than having me hoping and getting confused by the signs he’s giving.

I can’t even put it into words. I want to say so badly that he might took even the littlest amount of interest in me, but who am I to say? Among Anna and the girl who I heard getting matchmade with him, I could be the silliest and ugliest choice out there.

I keep getting my hopes up only to feel like a over-confident bitch afterward. Only to have my insecurities eating me up alive afterwards.

It was at a meeting. A meeting which suddenly having him and his friends interrupted at. No one minds though, since it’s not a formal or official meeting.

I was busy on my laptop, doing the works for school event, making sure of sponsors and tenants, keeping things in check. When suddenly I felt his presence right in front of me. I looked up from my laptop, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t you supposedly in shift?” I asked him.

Suho chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Oh sweet y/n, give me a break won’t you? It’s hot out there” he said with a pout.

I chuckled and shook my head. “Well, just don’t distract me, I’m busy” I said as I continue to do my work.

Suddenly, his hand grab the screen of my laptop and turn it towards him.

I yelped in surprise. “Suho I swear to god!” I said. “Don’t ruin my work!” I warned.

He looked up at me. Suddenly a dangerous grin appeared on his face. My eyes widened. “Don’t stare at me like that” I said to him.

Slowly, he put his fingers on top of the keyboard. I panicked. My hands reaching out to his. At the same time, his finger click randomly on the keyboard.

“Suho!” I yelled as I retracted his hands from my keyboard.

He laughed. He laughed at me who was in panicked. I can’t help but laughed along with him. 

I stare back at my job, sighing in relief that he didn’t actually ruined anything. I stared back at him. I saw him raising an eyebrow and smile at me. I, of course smile back. No one can’t resist his angelic smile, can they?

Suddenly Chanyeol, another Suho’s friend, come at me, showing me something on his phone. “y/n? Isn’t this Linda’s ex?” he asked as he showed Linda’s ex boyfriend’s instagram page.

Linda is Chanyeol’s girlfriend, who happened to be my friend since elementary school. To put matter worse, her ex was also my… best friend… well at least until something happened.

“Yeah… He used to be my bestfriend” I said. “Why? Anything peek your interest?” I said with a smirk. I stare a bit at Suho and I saw him getting interested at our conversation.

“Well, I don’t think you should worry about him though, you’re way better than him, he’s an asshole” I added.

“Asshole? Why?” Chanyeol asked.

I sighed. I… don’t want to go back into those memories. I don’t mind telling him, it’s just… the memory is just disgusted me.

“He… sexualized me once, of course after he broke up with Linda” I said, in a much quieter voice.

Suho’s eyes shoot up at me. I looked back at him. I saw emotions in his eyes, I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is, but I could have sworn anger was one of them.

“It’s- it’s probably not much, but anyway he said things, sexual things, about me, and it makes me uncomfortable” I said, trying not to worry anyone.

Suddenly Suho got up from his seat. Shouts of curses flying through his mouth. “What the fuck?” he said, keep repeating it. He went out of the room for a moment to cool down with Chanyeol following behind him.

His reaction was really unexpected. What was that? Why did it anger him so much? So many questions popped up in my mind, but before I can dwell on it, Chanyeol and Suho entered the room again. What Chanyeol said next was just… he said it loud enough for me to hear, whether he’s aware or not.

“Suho, now you know how it feels when people you love is being disturbed!” Chanyeol said.

I gulped. What was that supposed to mean?… “Love”?… I really don’t even want to think about it. I quickly dive myself into my work again, not wanting to overthink it.

But I can’t help it. What Chanyeol said keep being replayed, over and over again, in my mind.

It was 8pm. I was all alone in my room. Still with my laptop on. Multitasking, going back and forth between my duty as a student and as a chief of division. The class group chat keep sending notification. As my brain getting more tired, I can’t help but check it out. Apparently a questionnaire about our end of year student trip was posted and everyone was discussing about it.

I checked the choices of place, and can’t help but wonder about it, not knowing which one to choose.

I don’t even know where I got the courage, but I found myself typing a message to Suho, asking him about his choice.

[y/n], 20:05: Did you see the questionnaire?

[y/n], 20:05: What are you gonna choose?

As soon as I pressed send, I quickly regretting my choice. It was stupid. Now he’ll probably see me as desperate. The ring of my phone made me sighed in relief.

[Suho], 20:06: I don’t know

[Suho], 20:06: Jeju probably?

[Suho], 20:06: Which one do you want y/n?

His replies make me excited beyond belief. I can’t help but let the smile making its way into my face.

[y/n], 20:07: Oh, I don’t know

[y/n], 20:07: I never went to either Busan or Jeju

[Suho], 20:07: Really?!

[Suho], 20:08: You know what y/n?

[Suho], 20:08: Let’s just go to your house!

[y/n], 20:08: Oh? You’re right, it’s so comfortable here in my house

[Suho], 20:09: Never mind that, let’s just escape

[Suho], 20:09: To Bali

[Suho], 20:09: Just the two of us

I swear my heart stopped. I really need him to stop playing with my heart like this. My heart stopped yet beating 12 times its normal race at the same time. I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as they warmed up.

[y/n], 20:10: Good idea, Let’s go! 

I typed in as I put my phone on the desk and rushing to bed. Can’t handling all of the emotions.

It was the festival of the school event. The peak of the event itself. Every staff were busy. But we found time to rest and enjoy the performances by the singers we invited between the hectic works.

I found myself at the back of the audience area. Leaning to the side of an air conditioner. Feeling spent, but singing along to the song the singers sang. 

I stand up more straightly, fixing my posture. And then I realized Suho was the one who leaned on the front side of the air conditioner. It was so hot, and I need some air to cool with, but I also didn’t want to disturb his little rest, knowing his job is more difficult than mine, more exposed to the bright sun outside.

I carefully reach my hand towards the front of the air conditioner, behind his neck, not wanting to disturb him. When suddenly, he turned his head at me and stares. I stared back, not knowing what to say. My hand continue its journey anyway. 

He looked back ahead. What caught me off guard was he suddenly made a move to nuzzle the hand that was behind him. In shock, I quickly retreat my hand. “What are you doing?” I asked in shock.

He didn’t say anything but closing his eyes and leaning back into the air conditioner. I sighed and attempt to do the thing I was doing again.

And, again.

He snuggled into it. 

My heart. My heart is beating way too fast. This time, I didn’t retreated it back. Perhaps I’m liking this too much, but I didn’t care. If this is the only time he would ever do this, then I’d let him do it as long as he wants.

Finally, after all of the hectic schedule ended, it was time for us in senior years to get ready for the upcoming exams. Even if it means… Going to school during weekends.

It was Saturday. To put matter worse, it was my birthday. I can’t wait to get it over with to be honest, and go into that dinner my family has planned as my birthday coincidentally is two days apart with my parents’ anniversary.

To put matter even worse for my heart, Suho was being put into the same class as me.

I���m just glad Nana was also in the same class at me. 

But it seems like the earth and its fate hate me. Nana was sick that day. Leaving the seat next to me empty. And… now here I found myself seating beside Suho.

Stupid heart, stop beating so fast, he might hear it.

It was fun though. He and I keep making jokes here and there. And honestly? It didn’t help me from moving on from him like I planned to.

It was during math. Where I found him shivering. I stare him up and down. “I thought you bring a jacket?” I asked.

“Yeah, Minseok borrowed it though” he said.

“Tough luck” I said as I laughed lightly.

Suddenly, he grabbed a hold of my hand. My head quickly shoot up. 

“Holy shit, your hand is so warm y/n” he said as he tightened the hold.

My cheeks. I swear they are madly blushing. My heart feels like it’s about to explode. Please stop for the sake of my well being. 

“H-huh? Is it warm?” I asked nervously.

“Yeah! It is! you are so warm!” he said as he suddenly intertwined our hand.

My thoughts are everywhere. I can’t control my emotion anymore. I’m liking, no, I’m loving this beyond everything.

I don’t even know where my confidence come from, but I suddenly found the courage to put my other hand on top of his. “Here, let me warm you up” I said cheekily to him

“You know what? That feels so right” he said as he turned his head at me, and giving me his soft angelic smile.

Dear god, this is just too much for me. I don’t want to fall for him even deeper than I already am.

Months passed.

Season changed.

And so does whatever it is I had with Suho.

I thought we were getting better.

I thought we had something

I thought we were getting closer

But I was wrong

And my earlier insecurities and suspicion keep getting close to right.

Suddenly, slowly but surely, Suho avoided me.

For no reason.

I keep trying to search for an answer. Keep trying to found where it’s all gone wrong. But nothing came up.

Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps It’s just me and my boring self. Me and my boring desperate self. Perhaps it’s just him getting tired of me.

Each day, I keep seeing him and Anna together. Building a relationship closer than ever.

Each day, I feel like he keeps getting further and further out of my reach.

Each day, I saw them together, laughing and all. I see nothing but pure happiness.

I loathe myself for wanting to be in Anna’s place.

I hate myself for letting myself fall for him so deep, now I don’t know how to get out.

Of course. I should’ve known earlier. 

What he had for me, will never be as strong as what he had for Anna.

What he had for me, was a mere interest, nothing much. It was me who overthink it. It was me who think we had more than what we had.

Who am I kidding? I am nothing compare to her.

And it’s killing me every day that I could never be her no matter how much I try.

I thought, that perhaps I have a chance on owning his heart. But who am I kidding? I’m just a broken hearted fragile souled person with too many flaws.

It’s killing me, that I’m willingly gave him my heart, knowing I’ll just get another jab and stab at the end.

It’’s killing me, that no one, perhaps, will love me, as much and as genuinely as I love the,

It’s killing me, that at the end of the day, I will always be at the hurting end.

[ilovethings-somuch]

Private Lessons (5/10)

Dad!Chris Evans/first person OFC (Elaina)

A/N: Hello! it’s a day late, I know. Don’t hate me. Anyways, this chapter has a little angst, a little fluff, a little Lukas, it’s a fun time I promise. 

Synopsis: Elaina is teaching swimming lessons to a little boy named Lukas when she discovers that he is the son of Chris Evans. When Chris approaches Elaina to do private lessons with Lukas at the Evans’ home will things heat up? Will Elaina turn into a home wrecker that she never wanted to be?

(about the gif: imagine Chris looking at Elaina the way he’s looking at Sebastian)

Scheduling was crazy the next few weeks. Chris was in and out of town, sometimes taking Lukas with him, sometimes leaving him with a nanny. Two weeks went by where we only got 1 lesson in. Even when Lukas stayed home with a nanny Chris didn’t want me to come, something about adding stress to the nanny and to Lukas. With all the rescheduling and cancelling lessons that was happening it was like I was texting or calling Chris nonstop. Which sounds nice, right? The problem is, we were literally only talking about lessons. His messages were short and to the point, lacking in the flirty banter I had gotten used to. After almost a month of no lessons Chris is finally back for a little over a week. We go back to our usual Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule for the week.

When I get off work on Monday my stomach is in knots. It feels like the first day of school all over again. There’s no reason for me to be this anxious, it’s just Chris and Lukas after all. I can’t decide if it was just because I haven’t seen them in a while or if it was because Chris and I left things on an awkward note. When I get there Lukas answers the door, only to be followed by Chris reminding him that he needs to get Chris before he opens the door. Lukas ignored him and leaped into my arms to hug me.

“I missed you Miss Lainie!”

“I missed you too buddy, how have you been” Chris gives me a tight smile before he points that he’s going back to his office. Lukas is already in his swimsuit so we make our way out to the pool. We spend most of the class reviewing since he forgot a lot during the accidental break.

“Do your back float and I’m going to count to ten and then I want you to roll over onto your front float and hold your breath as long as you can, okay?”

“Yup” once he’s steady I move my hand away from supporting him and start counting, when I get to ten he rolls over, taking a deep breath, and puts him face in to front float. He doesn’t stay floating for long, he picks his head up almost as fast as he put it in.

“What kind of front float was that?” I tease while holding him facing me, he shrugs his response. “Okay, let’s work on that. Remember to take a really big breath and blow the air out really slow so you don’t run out too quickly. And what do you do with your arms?”

“Airplane arms!”

“No, that’s your back float. When we front float we do Superman arms”

“I don’t like Superman”

“Well, why’s that?”

“Cause my daddy’s Captain Mamerica”

“He is Captain America, but that doesn’t mean Superman is bad” he gives me a look the says Superman is most definitely bad, “Oh-kay maybe he is bad”

“He is, Captain Mamerica is the only superhero we can talk about”

“Not even Thor? Or Iron Man?”

“Nope!”

“Did you dad tell you that?”

“Yup!”

“Alrighty, well Captain America can’t fly so I can’t tell you to do Captain America arms, so now you better just remember where your arms go when you do your front float”

“I’ll remember”

We work on kicking and ice cream scoop arms, finishing up with a biggest splash contest. Lukas doesn’t want to get out after our hour was up so I agree to stay in with him until he tires out or Chris comes out to call him in. I put a lifejacket on him so he can jump in the deep end while I sit by the edge. Eventually I move back into the water, the brisk evening air becoming to cold to stay on the side in a wet suit. I relaxe into a back float, occasionally looking up to check on Lukas. Suddenly there’s a big splash right by my head, I stand up quickly and wipe the water from my face. At first I think that it’s Lukas, but as I realize that there’s no way Lukas could’ve made that big of a splash I feel two large hands wrap around my waist and spin me around.

“Gotcha” he says triumphantly before setting me back on my feet.

“You scared me!” I saw with a splash to his face, I can’t help but notice his lack of shirt this time. The perfectly sculpted muscles covered with a light layer of chest hair.

“Well you were sleeping on the job” he teases.

“I was not sleeping, besides my hour is up”

“Oh yeah, why are you still here?” There’s silence for a beat before he realizes how that sounded “That came out wrong, I just mean why are you guys still in the pool?”

“Lukas didn’t want to get out and I didn’t know where you were so I told him I’d stay in with him for a while”

“Yeah, sorry about earlier. My manager has a ton of auditions set up. I know I told him that I would be willing to start a couple films again not that Lukas is older, but he went a little overboard so I have to figure out which ones I even want to try and it’s just been a mess”

“I’m sorry, are you just looking at acting again or directing?”

“Just acting right now, I need to get back into it a bit before directing will be a good fit for me”

“So maybe wait until Lukas is in school?”

“That’s the plan as of right now. It’s still going to be hard though”

“It’s always going to be hard” I reach out to touch his arm, aiming for friendly comfort, we seem to have gravitated closer while talking and I realize that we’re almost touching already.

“It’s getting late, do you want to stay for dinner?”

“That would be nice”

Chris coaxes Lukas out of the pool with the promise of food. We all walk to the house together and I dry myself as best I can to avoid leaving puddles throughout the house. Chris takes Lukas to help him change, I take a seat at the kitchen island while waiting for them to come back. Lukas comes running out first in flannel pajamas, Chris follows behind a few minutes later carrying sweat pants and a t-shirt.

“I thought you might want to change out of your suit”

“Thank you! Your house is really cold” I say only half kidding

“I can turn the AC down”

“You don’t need to do that for the little while that I’m here. Besides, with these pants I’m sure I’ll be warm enough” I excuse myself to the bathroom to change, thankful of my emergency sports bra and panties that I keep in my bag. By the time I’m done changing Chris has sandwiches made up for all of us.

“Sorry it’s not as fancy as spaghetti, but it’s fast and tastes good”

“No, it’s perfect, who can turn down a good sandwich?”

Lukas almost falls asleep on his plate again, the extra time in the water seemed to tire him out more than we originally thought. Chris carries him off to bed, telling me that he’ll be back in a few minutes.

“Didn’t even have to read to him, he was out like a light”

“Swimming will do that to you. So, we’re doing Monday, Wednesday, Friday this week right?”

“Yeah as long as that’s good for you?”

“Yeah, of course. I can give you these back on Wednesday then” I tell him, gesturing to the clothes.

“Yeah whenever, they look better on you than they do on me” I can’t help but blush at his comment, looking away in an attempt to hide my smile.

“I should probably get going”

“Are you sure, I mean we could watch a movie or something”

“Um, sure, maybe not a movie though. It’s late and I have to work early tomorrow”

“How about one episode of your show of choice”

“Blue Bloods?”

“Sure!” he leads the way to the living room and queues up Netflix before settling on the couch next to me. His arm starts by resting on the back of the couch behind me but eventually falls to rest around my shoulders. About half way through the episode I stop resisting and let myself lean into his shoulder and rest my head by his chest. I swear I can feel him smile from my movements as his arms moves to cup mine and pull me closer. As the episode draws to a close Chris doesn’t move. As much as I would like to stay cuddled up to him, I really do have to get going. I pick my head up and start to lean away. Chris takes the hint and moves his arm off my shoulders, instead, moving to grab the remote. He turns it off and follows me to walk me to my car.

“So I was thinking..”

“That’s never good” I tease when he pauses for a moment. He gives me a lopsided grin before continuing.

“Would you like to get dinner with me on Friday?”

“I just had dinner with you” I remind him, slightly confused by his question.

“I mean not here, and not with Lukas”

“Why not with Lukas?”

“Because,” he sighs dramatically before continuing. “Elaina, I’m asking you on a date”

“A date? You want to go on a date with me?” I’m sure my face is screaming confusion but Chris just lets out a nervous chuckle.

“Yes, I want to go on a date with you. Is that a yes?”

“Yes, of course it’s a yes, I just. Wow.” My brain is going a hundred miles a minute trying to put together the idea that he actually likes me and want to try this. I don’t notice Chris moving until his arms are wrapping around my waist. I fall against his easily, and wrap my arms around his neck.

“I’ll see you on Wednesday” He says while giving me a tight squeeze. He loosens his arms slightly and leans down to kiss my cheek before releasing me completely.

“Bye” I get in my car quickly to stop any further embarrassment. I’m giddy and anxious the whole way home. I take a shower and prepare for bed, the whole time the only thing that’s running through my head is I can’t believe I have a date with Chris Evans.

Permanent Tags: @amistillmyself @megandrawsspace @giftofdreams @wildestdreamsrps @iamwarrenspeace

Private Lessons Tags: @our-chaoticwhispers (I’m sorry it didn’t work)

[honeybadgerradio]

Failure to Launch - Men's mental health w/Tom and Paul

Join Alison, Paul Elam and Tom Golden as we look at some letters sent to us by our listeners discussing men's mental health.

  Letters from the show:

Ryan H. writes:

  Hello, badgers. I'm a 23 year old white man, and I have had a solitary mind since I was young. That is to say, I have had to rely on myself to try to craft the man who I was to become, who I wanted to become. Anyone who knows me now, and any who could find that little nugget in my younger brain that was to be a template of what I thought I might become, would find several (thousand) flaws between the two images. 

  This isn't a sob story, and I don't mean to make it out to be. I grew up without a father for much of my life. I met my stepfather when I was ten, but at that point, I was already well on my way to a downward spiral of ineptitude and disappointment in myself. I love my stepfather, he's a good man and a good father, and I don't blame him at all for how I've ended up, but throughout my life, I have never had a positive, male role model.

  What I have done, is I have begun to cast a mold as I am still sculpting it, and the results have been disastrous; though I am intelligent, I have flunked out of community college no less than twice. Though I am more outgoing and witty than most, I find myself with a small handful of friends (only three, really) one of whom is like a brother to me, and is facing charges of continuous sexual abuse of a minor. I have only had one girlfriend in my life, and I barely knew what to do, and I ended up being the 'nice guy' boyfriend, and I bailed before I could make a mistake.

  I say all of this because it's the antithesis of who and what I WANTED to be. And still want. Today, at work, while listening to old songs that I enjoyed, I rediscovered Meatloaf, and the persona he uses within his songs (specifically Bat out of Hell and Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.) Listening to these songs now has inspired me, once again, to try to chip away through the wall of apathy that separates me from health and happiness, using the IDEA of a man in order to try to fix the mold and recast myself.

  I've already gone on far, far too long, and I appreciate you taking the time to read this email. I very much enjoy HBR, and I appreciate what you all do as a service to society, and as an empathetic support for men all over the world. You'll always have a friend and fan in me.

  I wish you the best, and merry Christma-Hanah-Quanza-ka.

    Jesse V writes:

      Hi Honey Badgers. Big fan of the show. I'm looking for some advice.

  I'm a 22 year old male with ADHD/PI and Anxiety. I'm the middle child in a family of 10 kids, where I grew up in a chaotic, unorganized household on welfare with an eccentric, spacey, but well-meaning mom and a paranoid, controlling, and emotionally neglectful father. I've always had a problem focusing my thoughts so school was always an issue for me. That, and the stigma of my family's mental health led to me being shy and socially awkward around other people. For the most part I'll be polite to people as a formality, but I'm generally distrustful of the intentions of people I don't know. I eventually warm up to people if I like them enough, but whenever I talk to them I feel like I'm attention seeking and emotionally needy.

  I also angst about my mental capabilities because I don't feel like I'm good at anything in particular, and I lack any ambition or motivation. I have some hobbies/interests like superheroes, comic books, and video games, but I'm not skilled at any of those and I feel I'm sorely lacking in creativity.

  I was wondering if there was any advice on better developing my interpersonal skills and/or finding my niche in life.

  Thanks in advance!

  Sincerely,

Jesse

  P.S. Any of you guys or gals see Deadpool yet? It's a good movie

    Joseph A. writes:

  Hey, Honey Badgers,

  My name is Joseph and I am a nursing student from Indiana. I came across your videos last year and have been following what you do and what you advocate for. I wanted to tell you a bit about myself and to thank you for all that you do.

  I graduated with a BS in Psychology back in 2014 with hopes of being a school counselor, hopes that were dashed by the lack of programs and the lack of accessibility into the field. Family, friends, and a girlfriend (at the time) urged me to pursue a degree in nursing where I could practice compassionate care for others all while growing and expanding myself as a person. I will soon finish my current program, a fast-track degree for a BSN and will be a licensed nurse come August. Through my time studying psychology and even more so in nursing, I am overshadowed by the voices and opinions of women, most of which identify as feminist (many of whom are radical feminists). I have been told that I should not work in fields that interest me, particularly in postpartum care, where I would be able to interact with mothers and babies alike. I plan to work in psych nursing, where I can act as an advocate for men and women alike.

  Over the years, I identified as a feminist. As an impressionable young adult from a small Indiana town, going to a large university and interacting with others who held these beliefs made me particularly vulnerable to the rhetoric that they use. I've sat idly by and listened to girlfriends discuss their issues, from birth control to safety at parties or walking home alone. I have been compassionate towards those ideas and have supported them. That being said, I have always regarded myself as an egalitarian. Until recently, I never looked into the rights of men.

  Over a year ago, I struggled with alcoholism and depression. At one point, I drank anywhere from 12 to 24 beers in a day up to four times a week. I was also taking Prozac on top of the alcohol, contributing to many nights where I would drink myself into oblivion and pushed myself further and further down a path that would end up with being arrested or killed. During this time, I thought about killing myself on multiple occasions but could never bring myself to a mindset where I could consider suicide as a viable option, despite having the means to do so. About 8 months ago, I quit drinking. Four months ago, I stopped taking my antidepressants. Currently, I struggle from time to time but watching your videos has helped me realize that I am not alone.

  One day during my drunken endeavors, I stumbled across videos of Sargon of Akkad criticizing the Young Turks, media that I consumed daily. From Sargon, I found Karen's videos. From Karen, I found HBR. If I am remembering right, it was a video of Dr Randomercam and Alison covering some Laci Greene video that really drew me in. I enjoy that you use humor and sarcasm while tackling topics that can be very distressing at times, especially those concerning sexual violence towards men or the disparity of equality in the family courts system. I watch many of your live streams when I have time and while I love Karen's work, Doc and Alison are still my favorite Badgers. 

  Without your videos, it is likely that I would have ended up as I phrased earlier getting arrested or killed because of alcohol. My mental health has improved significantly and every day I wake up and think about what I can do to ensure that no one that I come across in my future profession will feel like I did and will know, men and women alike, that there are people out there that support them and advocate for their rights. I would love to contribute however I can; I do not currently donate to your Patreon, but I plan to once I have been established in my field and have money that I can do with as I please. While I do not agree with everything that you talk about, I do feel that the advocacy that you do and the materials you produce help people like myself who struggled with their own identity and what they believe is right. I consider myself a MRA but am very outspoken about it in my field. I hope that in my career I will be able to advocate for others in a way that you all have advocated for me. Particularly in psych nursing, where I have worked in clinicals and absolutely loved, there is a massive population of individuals who do not have proper advocates and do not feel supported. Many patients would tell me that the people who work with them do not care about the population with which they work. I hope to bring some kind of change to that system and truly support others. 

  I apologize if this email seems fractured or unorganized, I had four final exams yesterday. I am not the best student and much of the time I struggle with my studies. Anyway, I would like to thank you all once again and hope you continue to make your videos. There is much love from myself and people like me here in Indiana. Take care, I'll see you all on your next live stream!

  Regards,

  Joseph A.

    Follow us on Minds! https://www.minds.com/HoneyBadgerRadio

Libsyn: http://honeybadgerradio.libsyn.com/

  Support us monthly! http://www.patreon.com/honeybadgerradio

Support us one-time! http://www.feedthebadger.com

Check out the latest Honeybadgers episode.