#like i have lived my life behaving very femininely because im supposed to | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

smallnico · 6 years ago

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your gender thing struck a cord with me in a way-in middle school i felt like i didnt want to be a girl, or that i wanted to be a girl and a boy (didnt know that was a thing at the time) bc i felt like being a girl was too limiting. i didnt identify with what i thought a girl was supposed to be. as i got older tho, i realized that i didnt have to be a certain way to still be a girl (part one)

(part two) and that all being a girl meant was identifying as one. so now i id as a woman, but recently still struggled with my gender identity. i realize after much analysis its not bc im trans, but bc gender roles are just SO limiting and there's still outside pressure and expectation to present and behave in ways that dont suit me, so being perceived as a woman, even tho i AM, makes me feel burdened.

(part 3) its not being a woman thats the issue, its what society thinks that should mean is so limiting and untruthful to who i am, that it sometimes makes that identity itself seem repellent to me. for me, i find a struggle to take back my womanhood and defend it from my own skewed views due to society. i dont need to perform my gender to be valid. so i dont see myself as "gnc" so much as gender role irreverent. I am who i am

part 4- i by no means mean to imply that people who feel uncomfortable with their gender are just struggling with internalized misogyny- i'm no terf, and hope i don't come across that way. This is just about my OWN very personal experience with struggling with feeling weirdly at odds with my gender despite being cis. and i'm sure me being queer has impacted this disconnect as well (u can post these if u like)

i think i will post these, because it also pretty much resonates beat for beat with my experience. the way i interpret “gender nonconforming girl” as a label is really also just “gender irrelevant”, i just prefer it for myself because it allows me the freedom of expressing comfort with my body and the way i was born while also dismissing the notion that i feel any sort of obligation to conform to the expectations of that gender. i am a girl, objectively, in the same sense that a trans girl is objectively a girl, because it’s how i’m comfortable identifying. i’m just not a Girl™. and that’s not like, a “i’m not like other girls” sort of internalized misogyny thing -- i have absolutely nothing against girls or femininity, traditional or otherwise, and i celebrate and support people who find it empowering -- it’s more a discomfort and resentment toward a flawed and limiting mode of human categorization.

but yeah, in middle and high school, it was kind of a thing i held against girls and femininity. i went out of my way to avoid wearing skirts and dresses and bright colours, i stopped shaving, i kept my hair short, all because i didn’t want people to think i was Trying To Be Feminine. i was torn between wanting to try wearing makeup and never wanting to touch the stuff because of its association with feminine expectations. i experimented with my gender identity because i didn’t know what i wanted to be, all i knew was that i didn’t want to be stuck performing femininity my whole life because as soon as i started doing it, it was what people expected me to keep doing. nowadays i sort of associate that internal conflict with choosing a life path when applying for university -- i didn’t know what i wanted to do in particular, all i knew was that i never wanted to be asked to do math again. i didn’t know how to feel about my gender, except that i was tired of being asked to Do Woman, because i wasn’t good at it and didn’t think it was worth the hassle.

(sidenote, i agree that this is inalienably linked to my queer identity, and the other and better meaning of “do woman”. i’m bisexual, but i was first driven to consider queer sexuality as a part of my identity because i So So Badly did Not want to fill the role of “woman” in a relationship with a man, and realized that actually, maybe i don’t have to, because i’m also attracted to women and nonbinary folks. it’s taken me the better part of 7 years of sexuality questioning to accept that i’m also attracted to men for this reason.)

of course, it’s not like that anymore, my life’s gotten a lot better since i decided to stop putting any energy into gender performance and start putting energy into “just doing what i want with myself”. i wear skirts and dresses now, because i just decided to stop associating them with feminine presentation and start associating them with things like “cute stylish outfit” and “i don’t have to wear pants and nobody will care”. i haven’t shaved since high school, not because i’m rebelling against the concept of femininity, but because i just don’t like shaving. i don’t bother with makeup because i’m bad at it and don’t feel like any reward i get from it is worth the strain it would cause me, financially or energetically. i can’t stress enough how little gender (consciously) factors into any of the decisions i make about the way i present and socialize, to the point where if someone accuses me of being “unladylike” or whatever, my first emotional response to that is confusion, because i wasn’t considering gender as a factor in my behaviour to begin with. it’s not very exciting, but i dress and present and perform as androgynous mostly as a coincidence, cus that’s just what happens when i don’t care about filling the requirements to qualify for a certain identity. as always -- no shade to people who do find comfort in doing so. you’re valid, i love you, and i admire your resolve.

this of course, again, isn’t meant to discount or dismiss the experiences of anyone who doesn’t feel this way about gender. i’m also not unaware of the privilege i hold to not be given shit for the way i present -- i am white, slim, nonreligious, middle class, and afab, all things that factor into society’s general acceptance of my deviance from gender performance that may not factor into others’ experiences. i’m not here to tell anyone that they should be like me and also eschew gender-related identity concerns (though feel free to give it a try, if you think it’ll empower you to live your best life), and i’m aware that it isn’t as easy as just deciding not to care anymore. this isn’t advice, nor is it a guide to any sort of universal experience. it’s just my personal experience.

but if it resonates with you, i’m always glad to help people feel like they’re not the only one. thanks for sending this in, anon! i hope it doesn’t seem like i’m trying to talk over you, or anything, i just wanted to expand on my earlier point, given that it struck a chord :>

#anon #the askbox

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

#lets go bunni #bunni plays lets go

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zjallove · 7 years ago

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March 2nd 2018

This is for whoever needs it:

As much as it’s a mans responsibility to represent and respect his woman and instill trust and security in this situation, it is a woman’s responsibility to NEVER betray her sisters.

‘SISTERS’ meaning: Other Women, Best friends, Tribe, Trusted circle, Family, Girls etc.

Regardless of how a man acts. WE have the CHOICE to stand together, we have the ability to be resolute in protecting one another. I take woman’s empowerment VERY seriously so I’m not here to beat anyone down, I’m speaking from a place of love and healing. I will probably repeat myself 100 times, but it’s for a reason.

Maybe I have old skool values but Im in shock at what I’m seeing these days… and it is everywhere right now! In Music, Film, Entertainment like its a “normal thing”….But it’s NOT. Flirting with the man you know your friend has feelings for is a total dick move in my eyes. True “SISTERS” do not move in on their sisters men EVER.

Things that may seem insignificant are actually not… Even if there is no ‘intimate relations’ involved and it all seems innocent, just merely messaging/maintaining contact with someone else’s love interest is a fucking no no and can be another form of cheating and betrayal. And to a person of integrity, It is a CLEAR sign to have enough respect to proudly BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Not everyone has that consideration in this popular society. Unfortunately the concept of faithfulness is rare these days. And boundaries are totally skewed. It’s like we have been programmed and pinned against each other. But If we as women can learn to love ourselves and stand together hopefully we can arise and claim our rightful divine feminine connection.

Is it just me??? But I will never maintain private conversations with the men my girls/sisters hearts are invested in without it involving my sisters FIRST. (Read that twice). I have enough male friends so I don’t need to talk to my friends men unless my friends are present or involved in some way. I have a SUPER HUMAN amount of loyalty because I would expect that in return… I also move in a way to REPRESENT my future king, I know he would appreciate and reciprocate that same respect… but I’ve always been like that! Am I the ONLY one who gets that? Speak to me……

This is REGARDLESS of the situation or level of commitment and REGARDLESS of the circumstances. I have and will always roll with that respect. Please tell me I’m not alone in this!.

Here’s a scenario for you… Have you ever been a witness to the covert and conniving ways some women will behave to get what they want? Like its some kind of game🙄?… it’s that high school juvenile type shit… but sadly it’s carried on into adulthood. Even if they are already in relationships they get a kick out of attention seeking. The masks are evident and it is caused by deep ingrained pain and insecurity. Sadly most of the time we blame our men… but the man is often the innocent victim in all of this, caught in between you and someone he thought you respected… thinking that ‘this girl is your friend, she’s cool’ so he maintains his politeness in his unawares due to his pure heart. Yet when you confront your ‘sister’ on the red flags in her behavior she will project it onto you like your being paranoid or insecure, then your the one who looks childish and gets accused of being jealous and immature…… yeh?… I think we’ve all been through that pretty common situation…

But KNOW THIS MY BEAUTIFUL QUEENS: YOU ARE NOT being paranoid, insecure or jealous. THEY are in the wrong. This female friend of yours is betraying you and using your man as a pawn in her scheme in a covertly manipulative way. They are breaking your trust and being disrespectful! A real woman steps back and carries herself in regal light. We do not put on the award winning performance or an ‘innocent act’ or ‘play the victim’ when confronted. REAL sisters and REAL women do not play on each other’s vulnerabilities as a tool to get what we want. We don’t use each other or step on each other’s toes either! We take responsibility for our behavior…. So girls, if you are experiencing this at school, in the work place or where ever… know it is TOXIC behavior and it’s time to clear your energy and to take your power back.

So again, -Women with integrity, inner peace and self respect do not betray others. -Women who have genuine self love and honesty in their hearts don’t hurt each other like that. -Women who are secure in themselves don’t move like that.

As women we need to realize we are introduced to each other’s men/potential partners/love interests because our sister values us, trusts us and respects us enough to want us to be part of her life and share her journey and excitement in opening her heart and discovering the beauty of love… This is an honor and a privilege! How could anyone betray that gift?

So I say this with love: If your friends or so called soul sisters don’t move with genuine love for you or you feel suspicious in anyway, if your instinct is screaming RED FLAGS then they need to go ASAP. Get the scissors and cut ties pronto!

Healthy minded women DO NOT and WILL NOT EVER COMPETE for love. Because we live in our truth and we know that what is ours will always be ours. Our worth puts us into a place of knowing what we deserve. Our self respect will force us to walk away from any toxic situations. Betrayal is something that can be eliminated if we all learned to love ourselves enough first.

It all comes down to Self worth, Self love and Self respect. We are supposed to pave the way for each other, we clear a path for each other to be safe to stand in our own magnificence side by side. We move as one! Jealousy and competition are traits of those living in fear. Any strong woman knows there is no need for competition, we help each other recognize our crowns, we walk together as one, instilling power in each other’s hearts, we lead by example nurturing one another and sharing truth and guidance. We are the mothers, we are the creators.

So always remember: Anyone can be sexually confident, anyone can be free spirited but limits are limits. When we know clearly where and in whom each other’s hearts are invested, and when we proclaim to be spiritual or have soul sisters, we DONT move in certain ways that contradict it. I have seen masks fall clear off!

I learned the hard way and now I see through the fog… I hope this helps you choose to surround yourself with those who were raised with common sense and integrity. To value another persons feelings, and behave in a way you hope will be reciprocated. There are still some of us left!

After discovering my self worth through healing from toxic people, I try to always speak the language of security. Jealousy does not have a place in my heart. the core of my soul is free…although the tests come and go, I have been instilled with the blood of extremely strong women, so I stand proudly in my own skin. Im not making a statement out of fear or need for validation and I don’t need to shame anyone, karma always comes around. The guilty people in life already know they are guilty and they have to live with that. I am merely demonstrating how reclaiming your power and using your voice to create awareness can empower others.

So for anyone who needs to hear this, I say this on behalf of all my queens who want to speak up but cannot for any reason. I know what it’s like to feel silenced by a situation. I know what it feels like to be held prisoner by circumstances and I know what it’s like to be a victim of betrayal. No matter how the situation plays out, betrayal is betrayal and I use my voice as a tool of protection. If in my power I can protect any woman from emotional manipulation, or deception…. I WILL. Once we band together and HAVE each other’s backs instead of going behind each other’s backs, it will also result in our men leveling up, seeing through the facade and never allowing an unhealthy situation to even have a chance to unfold in the first place. He will shut that shit down quick time.

Masks fall off no matter what facade is being portrayed to the world… remain in your light beautiful women. And allow the universe to let the truth be revealed. Nothing but LOVE always. I stand with you.

Let’s stop being each other’s triggers and start being each other’s safe havens. Raise the vibration!

Nothing but love! Peace out! ✌🏽

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emanresusi-blog · 8 years ago

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Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

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chaoscrystals · 7 years ago

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Every note in my phone 20

Songs I have written recently: Where does pain come from? Fumbling in love Romance is dead The many paths and their overwhelming generosity Mercy escapes me like hot steam Well, I'm jealous too * Ukulele songs for 9/10 Easy living What a wonderful world What a little moonlight can do I believe in true love I believe in miracles Sea of love Three little birds Stormy weather Blue moon * Manic mantras of September 10 2017, a piece by nova luz Do it at the right time and in the right way. Your intestines will be grateful You love them more than you can say You think you love him but you think it might go away You still want to kiss and hug him You want to feel your body Sometimes you want to die And sometimes you think "i just can't get enough of this life it could never be too much" * More thoughts about Jonathan How long will my feelings last and where will they take me? I have to let go enough to enjoy myself. I feel a hole in my heart that I thought music would fill but it's not quite doing the trick, I want to be surrounded by people. I kind of wish I was going to his show instead of the one I'm going to be playing at tonight. Oh well. Maybe I can go say hi afterwards I went to try and find him and he wasn't there. I kept having flashbacks to when was royalty giving away everything I owned. I imagine her to be one of my past lives. It also really got me thinking about masculine and feminine dynamics in a relationship. Like am I behaving in a masculine way if I'm the pursuer? I feel really stupid and like I've already done a lot of stupid things like imagining that he had a girlfriend! I unfriended him on facebook and everything. Self-hatred. I wonder what that's all about. There wasn't anything between them at all? I actually do have really intense jealousy issues and i couldn't recognize that in myself my whole life. But now I have. I am a very jealous person sometimes. And I'm insecure cause my mom drilled it into my head that all men cheat and are bad. Hah Fuck I want to scream. Its not worth it to hold onto but damn There are certain energies in my house that she doesn't notice and I shouldn't let it get to me but I do. She will leave her trash anywhere on the floor or just anywhere but can't admit to it * Here is a strange thought What if the real reason I play music is because I need the attention? Or because I think it will get me a man? What if that's the real reason? Fuck this mosquito is fast I keep having all these thoughts. Thinking about sex a lot. * Why? I have to be screaming. I'm in agony. Please don't leave me. Eevery day crops up a new bunch of thoughts I don't feel ready to deal with. Why do I have so much resistance to my own thoughts? Haha. I can't help but laugh. My desperate tries at being a musician. It shouldn't be a hierarchy of who's a better musician but it is. Okay I have to be honest with myself: I've been really disgusted with the big name bands and big name venues and whatever big name artists I encounter for the past few years...and I feel a little morally superior for avoiding those places and people. But the truth is, I want to be a part of that world, and I still kind of want to be a big name myself. Or at least work with big names. I have to admit this is the truth. I want clout and attention. I just do. * Short term goals Follow up w yo re mi Learn Hawaiian songs (at least 3) Listen intently to music Think intently about music Release resistant thoughts about music Set up online store/ focus on making and vending jewelry * I think that nobody realizes!!!!!!!! * What's an image what's a red banded branded Christmas tree out of season what's a starter how's it gonna start her not the seasons but when the seasons had reasons, oh I remember those days well. Aren't I old? And you're only 22 you're so far removed from the world I once knew. Rolling meadows and green everywhere. You youth only know rolling blunts * Hey are you noticing me? How do i make you feel? Is there anything you wanna tell me? Do you care about me? Do you hate me? Do you have a crush on Marisa from mannequin pussy? Are you two friends on Facebook? I'm not going to look right now. Will you tell me the truth about these kinds of things? Can you help me? How? Well okay, I'm gonna start letting you help me. But first we need to hang out more. We never hang out. I hate not hanging out with you but thinking about you all the time. What do you think of me? Do you have a crush on anyone else? Do you think I'm better? Is anything ever gonna happen between us or am I gonna end up on the floor crying and alone? Does it scare you that I feel this intensely? Are you scared of what other people will think? cause I am. What's gonna happen Is marisas music better than mine? Do you still love me? I'm living in a fantasy... Can you help me? I'm not okay and I'm supposed to smile. I'm supposed to listen. I like listening and smiling isn't so bad. I love you. Do you love me? I love you. Do you love me? Do you think I'm amazing? I think you're amazing. And if you thought I was amazing then I would think I was amazing. I have insane jealousy and insecurity! Do you love me? Do you think about me? *Am I in love with an illusion? Are the ghosts and illusions in love with me? Does it work both ways? Am I going crazy? Am I bending the fabric of space and time? Hmmm a mighty fine time love by my slide sleeping safe sound slander pander panhandle. I have no excuses I think I love you and I think I want to be with you very badly. I think about you all the time That's why I wrote you so many letters that I've never sent and spent so much time drawing pictures. I just feel like im seeing everything But its probably at least mostly in my head. Disclaimer: I love to self-isolate so...don't take it personal.. * I'm so smitten. I think I love him. I spend most days fantasizing about him. This is crazy. What if I'm wrong? I can't live my life avoiding heartbreak. What the hell. I don't care. Id rather him knowing how I felt, reject me, than hide how I feel but still try to get him to be mine and end up rejected cause I have too much internal conflict to even be able to handle it. * One last thing I tried to hide from my suicidal feelings but tonight I really wanted to kill myself, I really wanted to die. But I kept pedaling home. I don't know why maybe I think its the right thing to do. Its bad to want to die there must be something wrong Ha I really wanted to kill myself I kept thinking "I hate myself" "I hate everyone" "Look at us fools" I don't know. The world can burn and I can busy myself trying to MAKE IT * Mercy escapes me like hot steam When you feel like you want to die I sit and cry All the years are creeping by And my thoughts are a limit, an inhibition I know it could be different I have no mercy for crying Though its all I can do in the meantime, we really feel like dying If you really feel like dying You can have your angels write a sing a long If you do it a lot your heart will grow stronger Just go a little longer I don't want you to disappear I love you and I always have my dear Key of b September 2017 * Please love me? Did you notice? Do my pimples and little cysts that everyone has bother you? There's I'm a hallucinating a bad smell in my nose. If I had one hour left with you if read you all my poems. Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you think I smoke too much pot? Am I too stupidly romantic? * I always next to gargabr garbage because I have an infection that won't go away. I think if I decide that its going to go away and act that way then it will. Has my infection always been obvious? Have I always had the precursors to having this infection? Can I tell him everything? Can I tell him about the infection? * Do you love me? An interrogation by nova luz Does it bother you that my skin isn't smooth? Does it bother you when I complain? They say the human brain can't tell the difference between imagination and physical reality and I really think this must be true, because every day I think I'm falling in love with you but the you I love is in my head. We have a lot of conversations in my imagination but almost none in real life.. Do you feel bad now? I want to make you feel bad because you aren't paying enough attention to me. Its hard not to think in archetypes. Combinations of faces of what we are seeing..or want to be seeing. You're a face in my archetypal boyfriend. I wish we saw each other more. Why don't you want to see me? Why do you hardly say a word to me but when I want a kiss you oblige me? Do you love me? Do you care that I'm using the word love even though you're not my boyfriend? I feel like I'm walking to the edge and being on the verge of tears. The edge of my capacity, how much wistful fantasizing can I handle before it gets the best of me? They say you create what you think about. I believe it. I believe in a lot of things people think are supernatural but it starts to seem normal once you realize everything is imbued with consciousness. Um...is this interrogation too much? Are you scared? I have to ask because I need to know how you really feel inside. And not just about me. Please help me. * They say that you create and attract what you think about so then maybe it's not a surprise that years ago I was seeing flashes of my life today. Maybe even you're here because I thought about you so much. Do you think so? Do you think there's something mystical about life? I do. * Hey so I need someone who can keep me safe.I'm a woman. It feels unnatural for me to initiate everything. I heard you when you said you didn't identify as a man and honestly this was my reaction to it and you can tell me what you think after. This is how I feel about what you expressed: There is definitely a lot of reasons for you to not identify as a man, but I just want to bring it to your attention that there is a big difference between feeling that your gender and energy is not what you were born as, and rejecting the gender you were born as because it's associated with tyranny and evil. What do you feel are your motives for disidentifying yourself as male? * Presents for Jonathan: Anything that can open the third eye Anything calming Or grounding Art booklet Ideas for art booklet: I want it to be something with clear messages, since there's a lot of things I feel like I want to tell him. I should make a list of messages for him and create the art pieces to match. I want to make a second version of the cards I gave him because I feel like I didn't get it quite right. I can see it in my head. I want to give him some writings I've already done and some new ones. Should I send him the really manic ones? Hmmm.. Messages I want to give to Jonathan: Divine masculine/divine feminine Sickness is our creation and our job to cure truly. True curing seems magical to me. I love you I feel like we are the same It hurts to not hear back from you I love your name I don't know if the intense polarization I feel is a good or a bad thing I love you * You seem like someone I could share my life with. You're still some white boy and your aura is kind of...murky and weak but you are a sweetheart Why do you avoid me??? Are you ignoring me??? Why do I think I'm falling in love with you? You seem like someone I could share my life with. Oh fuck. Were you thinking about me too? Or am I just crazy. Please its getting to be painful. I need to know. Were you thinking about me too? Even though you didn't know who I was? Am I the blue haired girl of your dreams? Please help. Am I going crazy or is everything I think real? *How could it be that i have no idea what I'm doing or whats going on? I'm hungry Don't forget to make a note of messages received Everyone makes art Eveeryonne is afraid of aging because here on earth some people can't age with no grace or distinction * The way you left last night made me feel kind of hurt. I thought it was weird that you left so abruptly and i was questioning whether i was right thinking there was something between you and that girl and I was trying to keep my cool, from the moment I realized that was the same person I had freaked out over before. Like I believed that she was your friend and I actually still do weirdly enough not that its any of my business anyway cause you're not like, my boyfriend or whatever but I just feel like that. I was just sad when you left. Can I say something? I would feel worse if I just kept it inside. Its just that the way you left had me questioning whether there was something b/w the two of you and I know its not even my business cause you're not my boyfriend but I cant help it * Dear Jonathan wow it has been a whole week and you're still here!! Congratulations. I don't know how you're doing it. Just trying to mess with you I don't know why you thought you could ignore my text but then like my drawing on facebook o.k. that's really annoying!!! If I had one of those bags of apples I would throw them at your head!! Do you get it yet? Is there something to get? I would like you to. Do you have other girls you think about? Do you think about me a lot? I'm really jealous of your friend Ali Why did you leave like that with her and that old guy? You left in such a rush my friend noticed it too. I felt really hurt at the time and I kind of still do. Whatever fine she's your friend. But I'm still jealous and I still think it was inconsiderate that you left like that when I really think you knew it would make me upset. And then you didn't say anything when I messaged you. That was shitty. And then you liked by stupid post! I want to throw glass bottles at your head sometimes. Its like you drop off and just go into your own world. I miss you :( I'm still mad at you!! If you don't know what I want from you by now I'm going to scream * It ended up that my memory was good enough to not have to write down all the messages I receive. Hmm. I may have to write some down. Again, I know I can trust my intuition to tell me when is the right time * Congratulations you are our 100th visitor. I could scream in agony--i mean joy-- I'm breaking, I was already broken but I'm going to keep breaking more inside. I think nobody knows. And especially not you. How can I be sure You don't know what the fantasies are like in my head. I can't take it. It would be different if...it wasn't so far detached. And I don't know because I'm too scared to share 90 percent of the fantasies I have. It might be getting close to the time I have to go. I don't know. Its not that I have anywhere more important to be. Should I just say it? Please don't let me fall in love with you. I think you share my fantasies. I think me making jewelry is a sign from the divine and yet again I don't fucking know why. What about my blue hair? Have you seen me before? In your dreams? I think I need to bury my fantasies. Eventually. When they're dead. That will be the time. Get it out of my head so I don't feel like its me dying. What the Fuck?? Why aren't you doing anything? Why don't you ask me how I'm doing?I'm sorry that I'm so nervous you must hate me. I want to cry. I want to rest my head on your chest. I want to kiss you in Brooklyn again, I want to kiss you in my borough I want your hand between my legs everyone wants me but I only want you. I'm starting to see, you're very far away from me. Have you heard that the mind can't distinguish between thought and reality? So I was living in my daydreams and it felt like you were my boyfriend. I've always been afraid of deluding myself, because everyone around me seemed to have thought that thought itself was an enemy. Think about it Its all true Thought is adversary as well as friend. I know because if I hadn't thought my way here id be dead or non existent, barely a flash of lightning on another plane. Sorry I got carried away. You must hate me * I feel sexual I want him to be my flower My heart is far off. Longing and blind to what's right in front of me. Waiting to eat. Waiting to use the bathroom. Waiting in line. Wasting my time. Every day life is opinionated, it doesn't feel hollow anymore, since I broke the barrier. Haunted. Tells me where to go. Listen close. I think I love him I think it is our destiny to fall in love. Lethargy works like alcohol without you having to drink. Alcohol works like my kitchen sink. I think I love him. I'm never happier than when I'm daydreaming about resting my head on his chest, and we are resting in the grass. My magic is disorganized and has no ritual. I think I might feel a little better if I settle into a natural pattern, nature is my heart is far off is a forest is nature is my heart is running to catch me is right by my side again. Whether I want him or not when I think to it. When I think it too he comes to me, I think he is right by my side, I only thought of you because it felt good just to have you in my daydreams and imagination, I thought of you and I felt you coming, and then you were here and I screaming inside because I still think I might not deserve, and I need to know I need to hear you say that yes, you want to be here with me too. Because I was distracted I'm sorry. I love you too * Everything makes me angry I feel this heat in my entire body Who told me that my naked body was inherently sexual? Is a newborns body inherently sexual? Is sexuality bad? Is toxic Christianity going to be erased from American society? Banal Infidelities fiel diety stays loyal to me, there's only one diety, theres only one god I know that's wrong

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vitalmindandbody · 7 years ago

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Ellen von Unwerth:’ Let’s photograph girlfriends enjoying life’

Blending old-world charm with a uniquely provoking eroticism, Ellen von Unwerths photographs are a riot of merriment and sly subversion. Richard Godwin sounds why it is also necessary go ourselves less seriously

Ellen von Unwerth cant stop laughable. The German photographer, 63, is ricochetting around the Taschen gallery in West Hollywood in her sneakers, attempting to talk through the images from her latest expo and artwork work, Heimat .

So heimat symbolizes Fatherland or Motherland or where you were born and where your roots are, she tells me. Bavaria is not my heimat , but we wanted to make a lampoon of the whole Bavarian thing.

The whole Bavarian occasion, apparently, involves supermodels cavorting nude in Alpine fields, play-act suggest behaves with sausages, udders and sacred maidens, sledging topless, spanking each other in dirndls and generally experiencing the fecundity and vigour for which the countries of the south German slopes are celebrated. Oh, ja , its extremely sex there, even the clothes they push up the bosoms and there are lots and lots of sausages, ha ha ha, she excuses. But you examine so many personas that are dark and depressing at the moment. All these sad ladies being pathetic! So I figured, tells show girls having fun and enjoying life.

The new Bardot: Claudia Schiffer in Italy, 1989. Picture: Ellen von Unwerth

Von Unwerth has a strange flair for get famous and beautiful girls( Claudia Schiffer, Madonna, Naomi Campbell, Rihanna, Kate Moss) to remove their limits and routinely their underwear while retaining control. Her portraits are often provocatively sexual, but its frequently her themes who are doing the excite. I ever give them something to do, she discloses. When person not moving I get bored. I take two videos and I reply: Great, I have it now. But I affection the body in action. I like the nude organization in movement.

The fashion world adores her for this. You could tell from the raucous launch party for Heimat , where Arnold Schwarzenegger improbably scratched shoulders with Yolandi Visser, and most of the simulations from the kill culminated up leap in a wading pool. Von Unwerths Instagram feed is among the few that stimulate fad weeks actually ogle fun. On International Womens Day, the fashiony angles of Instagram were awash with tributes to her: You raise fun, sex, craziness to place. I always enjoy pushing my boundaries, embracing my femininity/ sexuality and of course my personality ever thunderous and proud when we work together, wrote one representation, Alexina Graham. Ellen von Unwerths playful and entitling photos are such a elation to be a part of and I am so happy she is there to represent women in such a male reigned professing! wrote another, Syrie Moskowitz.

I ever give the representations something to do: Ellen von Unwerth. Image: Steffen Kugler

It is clear that everyone had a whole lot of laughters in Bavaria. Von Unwerth gestures towards an image of three women topless on a sled: This pattern is Miss Russia and she brought a lot of vodka to the shoot. So the latter are boozing behind my back in the snow. Von Unwerth is not much given to analysing. When I allude to the male gaze she has no idea what Im talking about. When I find myself comprehending for the word porn she shoots back: Have you ever seen a porno? Well, one of your pictures does literally depict two people having fornication in a hayloft. Its more motivated by a B-movie sense of clique. I wouldnt announce porno.( After our interrogation, one of her aides announces me to make sure that I dont think its indecent .)

Of course, the word I should have reached for was erotic. Or perhaps simply German. Appear at the scandal there was with Janet Jackson over here, she enunciates referring to the Super Bowl nipple decline of 2004. It was a boob! Its something you should be proud of and not conceal. Specially if its nice. Ha ha ha ha! In Germany it is not like this. Even if you go to a park in Berlin in the summer, everybody is naked and playing frisbee. You would get arrested if you did that in LA.

Leg pulling: Bumpy Slide, from Heimat. Photo: Ellen von Unwerth

Von Unwerth was endure in Frankfurt in 1954 and grown up in an orphanage and a succession of foster homes. She has no recollection of her parents and not much inclination to reflect on their absence. Its what stirred “peoples lives”, she enunciates. I was free from force and I was able to take the best from everywhere. I dont truly have a heimat . So her heimat is wherever she happens to be? Exactly.

She moved to Bavaria aged 16 to join a commune and later went to study in Munich. On her first day at university person replied: Hey, would you like to do a modelling profession? And I turned around and never went back to university. That led to a shoot for the German publication Bravo , which in turn led to her being signed by Elite examples in Paris. I kind of hated modelling, but somehow I did it for 10 times. I was not really the exhibitionist category. Its hard psychologically to be a model. And predominantly parties told me not to move when I was constituting. I just wanted to be like the girls in my visualizes now.

Your Turn,( Rihanna ), 2009. Picture: Ellen von Unwerth

It was simply in 1986 that she firstly started taking picture herself a boyfriend lent her his camera on a way product in Kenya and she went into a nearby village to hit neighbourhood juveniles. I came back home and presented them to my friends and they were like: Theyre really good, Ellen! Because prototypes are supposed to be stupid. I was astounded myself because I wasnt very interested in photography. I had never learnt how to do it.

Her personas were published in the French publication Jill , and she went on to shoot for i-D , the Face , Interview and Vogue , in the vein of her greatest affect Helmut Newton. It was a shoot with the then unknown Claudia Schiffer for French Elle in 1988 that realized both of their occupations. She was a sweet girlfriend and I didnt think so much of it, but when I looked at the pictures, I announced my husband[ music producer Christian Fourteau] and read: Doesnt she look like Brigitte Bardot? The teeth, the eyes? Soon after we did the Guess jean expedition and it was a jumpstart to my job. She likewise detected Eva Herzigov( shes oozing with vigour) and Nadja Auermann, and killed the notorious 1995 Playboy hit that announced that Drew Barrymore was no longer the girl from ET . She has remained in demand although there are the smartphone period has debased the art.

Saddle up: On the high horse, 2015. Picture: Ellen von Unwerth

Its not special any more to be a photographer, she remarks. Even when I take a representation, everybody stands next to me and takes the same image. Five a few minutes later its on everybody else Instagram and Im old information so Im was necessary to take draws on my iPhone too.

She tells me she can usually tell the difference between a photograph a gentleman has taken and one a woman has taken. But I find it crazy how girls photograph themselves all the time. When I was a girl and seemed in the mirror, my stepmother would come in and give me a slap. There was this idea that if you did that, the devil would get in you and steal your identity. Now everyone does this. I request frameworks sometimes, Do you have to take so many selfies? And “theyre saying”: Only when I take selfies do I get likes. Its sad! Narcissism is so celebrated in our society, sometimes people lose interest in other people.

Heimat by Ellen von Unwerth, rate 650, issued by Taschen as a collectors copy of 1,500 mimics, each numbered and signed by the photographer. For more information, go to taschen.com