#like i guess shes not the worst ever but shes still filthy fucking rich and rides her private pollution jet everywhere

[illogicalghost]

taylor swift songs could be good if they were good

[dolly-macabre]

⚙️ 𝕶𝖑𝖔𝖐𝖙𝖔𝖇𝖊𝖗 𝕯𝖆𝖞 𝟕 ⚙️

𝔐𝔦𝔰𝔰𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔞𝔬𝔱𝔡 𝔰𝔠𝔢𝔫𝔢

Obviously I had to write some aotd Dickles ♡

Mare Viridates

The night air is quite still, save for the sounds of crickets chirping outside, but in Dolly's head, that couldn't be further from the truth, her mind abuzz with what-ifs and worst-case scenarios she's gone over a million times. She restlessly paces back and forth in the hallway outside her assigned quarters. Well aware she's desperately in need of sleep, she can't even bring herself to shut her eyes, much less slumber. The nightmares that she's been having all this time weren't even that; They're all messages from some deity. She hadn't believed it when Charles first told her, but when she sat and thought about it, it explained so many instances throughout her life. 

Her pacing becomes wandering as she aimlessly walks through the dark halls of wherever they are. She and Dethklok were all brought to this undisclosed location to prepare. The end is drawing nearer. The closer the Doomstar looms in the atmosphere, the louder the voices & images in her head grow. She can't even imagine what Nathan is going through, let alone the rest of the boys. 

They're supposed to be the world's saviors… That's an awful lot to dump on five filthy rich man-children. I just wish I could be there for them… 

Dahlia was told to keep her distance from them before they even left Mordhaus so she wouldn't become a "distraction" to them, but she hardly found that fair.

They're the only family she has left, after all. It was killing her having to avoid her beloved goofballs. 

 Not like I'm involved in this too…

The rigorous physical training she's been going through is proof to that end. 

With a soft sigh, she stops in her tracks, peering around. 

Okay… Where the fuck am I? 

In the darkness, a figure slinks from around the corner; Her blood pressure spikes. That’s it… She’s busted.

The person steps into the dim light of the moon, and she's immensely relieved to realize it's only Pickles.

Oh, no… Hopefully, he didn’t see me…

Dolly swiftly turns to sneak away, but she's held back by a pair of strong hands on her shoulders. 

"What, you hidin' from me or sumthin' now?"

He must not have been informed that she wasn't supposed to be near them. 

"Shh…" She turns back around, urgently shoving a finger against his lips. "I could get in a lot of trouble just being around you…"

"Uh, why?"

"I'm gonna be honest with you, man," she says in a hushed voice. "I have no clue. Dick and Charles don't want you guys distracted… I guess… Like, I get it but--"

Pickles quickly grabs her hand and pulls her into the chamber room nearby. 

"Wait! Pickles!"

The door shuts behind them with a faint thud. It turns out they were right outside his room. She can tell that’s where they are by the smell: Gross but comforting. 

"You don't get it, I--" She tries again to explain, but she's interrupted by his arms snaking around her torso. His warm, chapped lips slam into hers. 

"Shut up… I missed you…" He rests his head against her shoulder, obviously exhausted. "I need ya right now, Dolls…"

"It's only been a couple of days." She pats his head. 

How can she object to his sweet request, though? She wraps her arms around his neck, interlocking her fingers, and holds him close, closer than she ever had before.

Everything was so scary right now, and she can feel it in him, too. He's shaking in her arms. The bags under his eyes are heavy and deep, the same as hers. 

"You havin' a hard time sleepin', too, hun?" she asks as she fiddles with his unwashed dreads. 

"Yeh, that's puttin' it mildly, but I think I may have found a solution fer tonight, at least…" He gives a weak smirk. 

"What're you talking about?”

 Her tendency to get wound up is endearing to him. She's always been the more likely of them to show conviction. He releases her and plops down on his bed. "Look," he says, "we don't know for sure if we're gonna make it out of this bullshit alive… We might as well do sumthin' fun while we wait for shit ta hit the fan."

"The whole point of being here is that we're not supposed to be having fun," she replies, her voice low. She stands firm near the door, arms crossed across her chest. 

"Just c'mere already!" He gestures impatiently with a tilt of his head. "You gatta see this."

"Fine." She pinches the bridge of her nose, shaking her head before sitting down next to him on the unmade bed. "So… What's so important that you have to kidnap me like this?"

"I sniffed it out!" He reveals a ziploc bag of some sort of herbs. 

"What are ya, some kind of drug dog now? Are you so sober that your sense of smell is kicking into overdrive?"

"Do yerself a favor and smell it!" He shoves the baggie in her face and she catches a whiff through the plastic. Whatever it is, it has a very pungent herbal smell, yet somehow it was also sweet with a hint of a pineapple smell. 

"Okay… So what is it?" Dolly prods. 

"It was in a wooden stash box labeled Mary Verdates? Whoever she is, I bet she's got some good taste in dope!" He chuckled that menacing little chuckle. 

Dolly wondered what it could be. The scent was almost reminiscent of an herbal tea that Jade used to sip when she was going through it. 

"I'm gunna smoke it."

"You don't even know what it is, dumbass!" 

"I don't give a shit anymore! I gatta calm down. I mean, ya gotta admit, I'm sure I've smoked worse!" He shot back, already rolling it into a joint, "Desperate times, y'know?"

He makes a good point. They weren't allowed to bring any booze or drugs with them, and Dolly herself was getting a bit twitchy about it. 

She finds the nearest towel and shoves it under the door, hoping to keep any smell contained. 

"You didn't take all of it, did you? This kinda stuff seems like it might be kinda important…"

"What do ya take me for? An amateur? Of course I didn't take it all!" Pickles holds the fresh joint under his nose for a sniff, then sticks it between his lips, lighting it with urgency. Upon exhaling, he lets out a rough cough. Dolly scopes out the room for some water quickly, noticing a mini fridge that was subbing for a nightstand. She cracks it open to find some bottled water, setting one in his lap before swigging back on her own. 

"Woooooah-ho-ho… That sure is sumthin'!" He tips his head back to take a drink. His eyes, already dilating, met hers, offering her the joint. 

"Well… I am pretty tense." She takes it from him, pulling a hit from the mystery drug.

"Yeah, you are! Get over here." He pats the bed in front of him between his legs. After having her coughing fit, she obeys, crawling over and sitting back against him. 

"Don't it feel like weed and shrooms fucked and had a baby?"

"Uhhh, yeah, kinda…" 

Her vision is already distorting the room around her, vivid colors dancing across her sights. She begins to shake more, fearful of what might come next, in the trip and what the future holds for them. Pickles reaches out for her to bring her back down to earth. As his hands find her back, she jumps at the sudden contact. As she softens under his touch, he rubs soothing circles across her shoulders and up into her sore neck muscles. That's all it takes; She's putty in his grip.

"Yer okay, baby… I'm here. No bad trips with me around." He places a gentle kiss on the back of her neck, pulling her close against him. She decides to focus on her breathing. The last thing she needs is a panic attack. 

The night became less anxious as the hours went on. Whatever they'd just smoked made sure of that, offering them trippy imagery and at least some relief from their worries. 

"Hey, Pickles?" she speaks up, her voice indicating at least a touch of bliss.

"Yeah, Dollface?" he answers, hardly even able to stay awake. She has her head rested against her chest and the closeness is making him sleepy.

"If we don't live through this shit… Will you do drugs and party rock with me in the next life?"

“You know it, angel,” he chuckles, kissing her forehead.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2021 Delay #1 is going to be that my schedule is all wrong for contacting the realtor the second week of March, pigs gone yet or not. :(

The only dream I remember from last night was living alone in an apartment somewhere. It was on the second floor of at least 4. It was a simple square layout with the kitchen and bathroom on one side and living room and bedroom on the other.

It was a predominantly black neighborhood, and a riot broke out. I guess one of their thugs was killed. They were going around killing anything white and I was scared.

Some famous black woman was flown in to calm them down. She was someone they respected and listened to, but I was still huddled in my apartment terrified that they were going to break into the building, storm all the apartments, and kill me along with any other white resident.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2021 This is the kind of shit that REALLY pisses me off… Cali’s to spend 28M on immigrants. So many right here could use this money! Really, who spends that much money on my husband and I or others who have lived here and contributed to society all their lives that could really use some help? Now the overcrowding is going to get worse, the demand for doctors will increase, and the crime rate will go up as well. So glad to get out of this fucking state soon because while it may have a lot of good in it, this is where most foreigners, legal and not, go besides TX and AZ. Shouldn’t be as much of a problem in FL, though. Maybe that’s why it’s cheaper there. Argh, though! Just so tired of having to babysit outsiders when they can’t get along in their own damn countries!

Getting the biggest stimulus check yet and while that may be nice, it’s nothing compared to what the American people should have been getting all along. The rich truly have no concept of what it’s like for everyone else. So many people think that just because they can do or afford something, everyone else can too.

So Biden’s great so far…except for thinking we’re responsible for the rest of the world besides ourselves. It’s a shame we get less than 2K while immigrants get 28M. That’s just all wrong and backward to me.

Starting to wonder if I’m ever going to hear from Andy again. Maybe he changed his mind and felt it was best that we don’t communicate at all but if he did, he did. I’ll accept whatever he feels he needs to do. I thought of messaging him again because we haven’t talked since the 15th, but I think I’ll wait a little longer since it’s his turn.

Just hit some milestones. A couple of days ago marked one year since Tom has worked and he doesn’t miss it at all. He worked long and hard for many decades, so he’s entitled to a break! Still think he’ll probably work again at some point but hopefully only part-time for extras like going on cruises.

Tomorrow will be one year since my last period started. I really, really hope I’m not surprised with another one 3 months from now like last time!

Yesterday he got a text message saying they were giving COVID shots at the clubhouse on the 6th but when I called the office and asked, they confirmed it was only for those 65 and up.

Planes of all kinds are getting more annoying around here than ever. I can hear the commercial planes all day but they’re worst in the early mornings. I have the air cleaner on high and nature sounds blasting right by my ear yet I can still hear them rumbling overhead. Then all day long and into the night it’s nothing but small planes and helicopters galore in addition. It’s horrible here and I really worry that the virus and other things are going to delay the move.

Seriously, though…I go out for a walk, there’s a plane going overhead. I step out to dump the trash, there’s a plane going overhead. I go out to take in a package, there’s a plane going overhead. It’s ridiculous here!

Speaking of air cleaners, we cleaned the smaller ones in the bedrooms and damn were they filthy! We replaced them with filters that last a year.

The magnesium experiment is still inconclusive although I guess it’s a little hopeful at the same time. For a few hours yesterday, I began to feel a bit restless and my heart was racing a bit. I was getting slightly on edge when I took the magnesium. At first it didn’t seem to help with them I felt better so I’m still not sure what to think.

Even though I don’t remember what it was about, Doc A showed up in my dreams last night and it made me think of how Andy mentioned thought vibration and the way we were dreaming of each other at the same time. Could she have been checking to see who was scheduled for next week which made her think of me when she saw my name, and then caused her to transfer to my dreams?

The fucking termites showed up as well. Something about me accidentally downloading some shit they sent me a long time ago that I hoped they wouldn’t somehow know was now downloaded and that I only just discovered. Mostly pictures of the girls that Tammy sent, saying that they didn’t want anything to do with me, blah, blah, blah…

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2021 Margaret, the millionaire who sends me jokes regularly and funny memes, said she thought that by now the political shit would have died down but if anything it’s worse.

I don’t know if it’s worse but I’m definitely still waiting for the day the race talk to subside on just about every fucking site I go to. With a small exception, I think most non-whites have it great these days and sometimes I wonder if they realize just how good they have it in most places. They have more rights than whites, and not that we or anyone should want to have groups that exclude others, but if we had our white this or our white that, unlike them, we would automatically be called racists. Is that really fair? But they can still have their Inspiring Black Women section on the LMC and it’s perfectly okay, even though I personally find it offensive and insulting to whites, and come on, Whitney Houston? Pick a better “inspiration” than someone who OD’d themselves to death, and set a better example regardless of race or color!

That rant expressed and purged, yesterday was the first day I didn’t feel the slightest trace of anxiety. I didn’t even feel it bubbling up close to the surface so I didn’t take any magnesium. I’ll ask Doc A if I should take it every day regardless or only when I feel anxiety coming on.

We framed my mandala diamond painting earlier and now I’m doing a small one that comes with its own frame. Then I’ll do the dark-haired girl which will be the biggest one I’ve done.

Gave the pigs a bath earlier with the special shampoo and they sure as hell are easier to bathe than rats! Bathing rats is a nightmare because they always put up such a fight. The pigs didn’t mind at all. We still don’t think they really have any kind of fungus on their butts, but worst-case scenario, they’re here an extra few weeks and someone else will rehome them other than Petco.

We’re going to have an Express order delivered sometime today. Walmart gives you one free Express delivery a month.

Gotta change the filter in the bedroom air cleaner and go out for a walk later on and that’s pretty much it other than the usual.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2021 “Remember, there’s positive to negative,” Tom assured me, pointing out the positives when we discussed the very real possibility of not getting out of here as soon as we’d like.

Yesterday went from being a sad day to a frustrating and worrisome day. I have a feeling the guinea pigs aren’t getting out of here anytime soon and neither are we. Petco wouldn’t take them, saying they had fungus on their butts, something we were totally unaware of. I think the guy got the wrong idea when he saw I’d snipped some tangled fur on Rockefeller’s butt when I was giving him a bath, and the dumb cock automatically assumed he had skin issues. They’ve never appeared to be unhealthy. Blitz gets a touch of scurvy every now and then but that’s it. So dumb cock gives us addresses and numbers to a couple of shelters in Sacramento and I call just to get the automated-message runaround.

Then there’s the contradicting info. Petco said never to give them baths. Online it recommends weekly baths.

I’m afraid that not being able to get rid of the pigs yesterday was just the start of many delays to come. I swear it’s like the more I want to get out of a place, the longer I’m stuck in it! But I learned a long time ago that you just can’t fight fate, so if this is where I’m truly meant to be, there won’t be much I can do about it. Yet he assures me that if anything delays the move, we can get the sleep pod, remodel this place, get a lot more money for it, and therefore have many more options as to where we could go. Yeah, but I’m not going to spend year after year struggling to move either. That’s just fucking ridiculous. Life is about settling anyway so it’s not like we could just go anywhere we want. If we’re going to have that much trouble getting out of here we may as well just accept it and make the absolute best of this place as we possibly can and keep in mind that there are millions out there who would love to live here, noisy or not. He thinks things may be delayed by only about a month or less. I don’t know if we should bother at times, though. Yes, California is expensive but it’s one of the few states that help supplement people, especially when they’re older, even if you’re white and you’re from here. Not bad for a country whose growing increasingly uncaring of those who are white, Jewish, or gay.

I was excited by the thought of getting a dog in the future. I know some people prefer to keep them in crates overnight but I think thought as long as it was kept away from the bedroom when I was asleep, it would be fine roaming the rest of the house, but after all the frustration I’ve gone through with these fucking pigs I totally regret getting, I think I’m done with pets for good. I know it isn’t the pigs’ fault, but I’ve had enough of the hassles, the smells, and the expense they bring. Now they’re costing us even more money since we had to order more supplies for them.

He did fill out a form with the SPCA and they will try to get any unhealthy animals they can healthy enough for adoption. Only the animals that are really bad off get put down. However, thanks to COVID-19, which I fear may be one of many things to hold back the move, there can be a 2-4-week delay in setting up an appointment to surrender them. You can’t just walk in whenever you want to surrender or adopt. Well, we were supposed to put the house on the market around the second week of March, so partly thanks to them, that’s not likely to happen.

I also emailed a couple of places but I don’t expect to hear back from them.

Why can’t we ever just do something? Why is it that we can’t decide to do a particular thing and then simply up and do it? Why do there always have to be problems, setbacks, and delays? Really makes me feel like giving up and just saying, “fuck it.” Let’s just keep the pigs for the rest of their lives and stay here for the rest of ours even though I hate the noise and the winter. Besides, we could have gone to a warmer place but not necessarily a quiet place. We’ve got good neighbors for now and have doctors I’m used to, are younger than me, and that I should be able to see for many years to come unless they move. So yeah, I don’t know if I want to move anymore. I mean I would have loved to live in a tropical climate and a place that was at least a little quieter and a lot cheaper but is it really worth all the hassle to get there just to find that it’s not all I hoped it to be?

As I said, I’m not going to fight tooth and nail to try to get out of here. But delays are a very real possibility. We can’t leave without being vaccinated either. Also, just like this is a hot spot for skunks, it’s also one for termites, and I don’t mean the kind disguised as humans that live in Florida. This place has had them before as have many places around here, and you can’t just spray them away. The house needs to be tented. So those are just two of many obstacles no doubt waiting to keep us trapped here.

So we may as well just plan to remodel the place for us. Also, I’ve been wanting a sleep pod for ages now. It’s definitely not as easy as it sounds to move. I know we’re not the only ones who have gone through this even though I feel like it at times. But yeah, I get that people can’t just up and move long distance unless they have a job lined up for them, have a lot of money, or they’re retired. Retired with sufficient funds, of course. Then there’s also the fact that manufactured homes don’t have the value of regular homes. But a new or upgraded manufactured home in Cali can be worth more than a standard home in a cheap state.

If we remain low income as we should be for most of this year, Cali will replace the windows for next to nothing. Plus, we’d be eligible for all kinds of rebates and discounts on other upgrades as well.

I do like how you have to have insurance in this state and that it has Death with Dignity. Yes, foreigners and non-whites will always come first and foremost here but the rest of us do still get some benefits, too.

sighs I don’t know what to do at this point but he wants to carry on with our plans even if there are some delays. Yeah, I guess that’s all we can do. He’s positive we won’t be stuck with the pigs forever and that someone will eventually take them. Then I just have to hope we get vaccinated by the end of March as they’re talking about now, and that there’s nothing wrong with the house when they do their inspection. Also, we can get a place that although not perfect, is at least somewhat preferable to this.

Made a video appointment for next week with Dr. A, although I may be onto something with the magnesium. I’m not sure yet and I still don’t want to jump the gun and get all excited but yesterday was the third time I felt on edge, took the magnesium, and felt better. So I have more coming with this morning’s Walmart delivery. Unfortunately, they’re orange-flavored, but I prefer gummies to pills. These are huge capsules that are hard to swallow but he has no problem with them and he can have the few that are left over in the bottle for when he gets leg cramps.

Am I having imaginary PMS today or is it just because I’m tired that I’m so hungry today? I’ve been up for about 8 hours, had about a thousand 1000 calories of food and I’m still hungry.

Slept shitty last night, waking up a million times along the way, so I’m tired today. Of course I had to have dreams of poverty and moving delays and all that.

What was weird was the dream I had through the eyes of a gay man who was eventually murdered by his lover and featured in a crime documentary. I didn’t see the actual murder but just his last moments. It was weird dreaming through the eyes of someone else. Pretty sure there’s a show about a woman who saw real-life murders in her dreams and assisted the police or something like that.

I only saw this part where the guy was arguing with his much tougher boyfriend. Then the weaker guy pulled some plant out of a large vase and transferred it to a small vase and said, “You can have everything else. Everything.”

Then the weaker guy was visiting some people (not sure if he snuck out of his house) who were discussing calling the police on some woman that they believed was intimately involved with her son. The other person argued against it because the son was over 18.

Then it was nighttime and the gay guy was back home and in bed. The room was pitch black and as he lay there on his side, he could just barely make out the bedroom door slowly being pushed open by his lover, and that’s when the dream ended and also where I assume he was soon killed. I believe it was by strangulation. Makes me wonder if it was just a dream or if I was really seeing the final moments of a murder victim. If so, was it in another dimension?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2021 Silence really does speak a thousand words. I asked Aly if there was anything else going on, not that I was trying to pry and not that she had to tell me anything she didn’t want to, and she said nothing other than that her latest blood test revealed too much bile in her liver which was causing acid reflux. I’ve been sensing something else is amiss but if there is, she isn’t sharing it. At least not with me.

His back has been horrible. He thought it was the air mattress but it turns out that’s not it. He has an appointment on May 24th and will bump it up if he has to. It sucks to see him in such pain regardless, but even more so when we still have a lot of prep work to do.

Yesterday we noticed Bob & Virginia’s SUV parked in the carport. We’re pretty sure they gave it to one of their kids. Well, I met another one of their sons yesterday as he was heading into the garage. I started to seriously doubt she was on vacation or staying with someone and that something was up when I thought to myself, she’s supposedly back but is leaving the garage light on that she almost never leaves on? That’s when I learned that she fell and broke her hip. A very common occurrence with older people. She had surgery and now she’s in rehab and will be home in a couple of weeks. I let Mrs. Twenties know.

I don’t know for sure if the magnesium is helping. It’s too soon to really say for sure. I’ve never taken it when the anxiety has been bad, and that would be the real test. I only took it when I was borderline anxious and it could have been a coincidence that I felt better afterward in that it might have fizzled out anyway. Doc A thinks it’s just stress over the upcoming changes in my life and wants to do a video appointment with me, so I’ll have to bring up the schedule program and set something up after we return from Petco.

Yes, we’re taking the pigs back to Petco later in the morning. I wonder if they’ll remember the place. Got mixed emotions about surrendering them. For the most part, I’ll be glad to be rid of them. For some reason, having pigs this time around just wasn’t what I remembered it to be. I felt like it was more work, hassle, money, mess, and smell than anything else. I’ll miss Rockefeller’s chatter, though.

So glad we’re having more temps in the 70s even if it will be anything but peaceful. They started cutting a tree in back of next door as I began unwinding with my audiobook but fortunately, it didn’t last long. Sometimes I just get so damn cold. My temperature drops about a degree when this happens. I’ve seen it as low as 96.6. I’m usually 97.

2.5 million have died from the virus that we know of. Really hope we’re getting closer to a successful vaccination with no side effects and that actually works. I’ll ask Doc A about that when I chat with her.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2021 Something up there is either bound and determined to tease me or I am finally onto something when it comes to killing my anxiety. I’ve tried magnesium in the past but I’m pretty sure I only took one capsule. Remembering that there was still some in the house that Tom takes when he gets leg cramps, I found they don’t expire until June. So this time I took two when I felt a little on edge. For the rest of the day onward, I felt great! Coincidence? I guess I’ll find out when I get anxious again, but yeah, it could be. Many things seem to work at first and then they don’t.

I was reading that women entering the phase I’m entering notice skin wrinkling. I’ve definitely been noticing it in my hands! That’s the least of my concerns, though. I just want to kill my anxiety for good for once and for all or at least be able to go a lot longer between spells.

I’ve had mild pain in my left knee and a strange ache in the very lower left side of my stomach but the stomach seems to have passed. I think they’re both just pulled muscles. Yoga isn’t easy on a fatty.

We finished sorting the three large junk drawers in the kitchen and only have stuff in one of the drawers that we may or may not take with us. Later this morning, he’s going to pull up the rest of the tiles in the laundry room plus call Petco.

If my eyes can sting with such happy tears as we slowly take apart this place and pack things up bit by bit, I can imagine how emotional I’ll be when we finally get out of here! I’ve done more suffering in this place than in all the places I’ve lived in before combined. We had great money but it seems like the highlights of this place for us were him working his ass off and my suffering. Really, all he did was work while I suffered and had more appointments than ever.

Carolyn doesn’t know where Virginia is, she told me after I asked her.

The diamond painting with the dark-haired girl arrived today but I’m not quite done with the mandalas yet. Should finish that today or tomorrow. Meanwhile, it worked out well because the girl is larger and I’m straightening out the folds in the canvas by placing some heavy books on top of it.

I’ll definitely be stocked up on diamond paintings for a while because the girl is going to take close to a month to do and then I also got one of those small 6x6 paintings that comes with a white frame. This one has a pair of owls and even though I’m still not big on owls, I do love the colors and the transparent diamonds.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2021 So we did keep the guinea pig papers after all. It turns out that Tom had them stashed somewhere in his closet. They say that Petco will gladly take back any pet that’s in good health regardless of age and find them good homes. I remember them saying this; I just didn’t think I kept the papers. So glad he had them!

So it will be a sad day but it’s still good news because we would rather not give them to a shelter that may end up killing them. This way we know that whoever gets them truly wants them and will almost certainly take good care of them as opposed to someone they’re forced on. I don’t know if Petco is going to charge a fee for them, but a shelter would have for sure, along with cavy rescue groups.

I filled the kitchen sink with an inch or two of lukewarm soapy water and put Rockefeller in it to give him a butt bath. It turns out it wasn’t just that he was dirty, but he also had some unusually long hairs that were knotted so I snipped them off. a little unusual for an American guinea pig. I also did his nails but strangely enough, Blitz doesn’t need his nails trimmed so I’m guessing he bites them off. Rockefeller didn’t mind the bath. A little nervous squealing as I carried him over to the sink but then he did his happy talk when I dried him off. It’s when I trimmed his nails that he got squirmy.

Did some more organizing, sorting, and packing. We decided we’re going to go with two U-Haul pods because we don’t want to play the game of Cram It and hope to hell everything fits. It’s one thing to run out of space for things you don’t really need or want but it’s another when it comes to things you do. Our stuff will be stored here in Citrus Heights and then once we know exactly where we’re going to be settling, we’ll have it shipped to us there.

We decided we would book a couple of months at a vacation rental although we don’t yet know exactly where. That way we can go straight there and then we’ll have two months to find a place. We may have to spend a few nights in a motel here in between closing and all that. The rental will likely be a manufactured home in an adult community. They’re cheaper during the summer because the snowbirds aren’t there at that time.

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had since this bad anxiety spell began over 3 weeks ago. I did read an encouraging article when searching for reports of how often anxiety dissipates when entering the postmenopausal phase as I’m hopefully about to do. Not only is that the second most common symptom next to hot flashes, but I found it interesting when one person talked about “morning” anxiety and how it would come out of nowhere even when their lives were going well, and they had no reason to be anxious. Sure, I’m nervous about the move and a bit overwhelmed because I know many things could go wrong but I still shouldn’t be feeling the way I’ve been feeling just because we’re moving. I’ve moved before and I know Tom will say that I get this way every time we have a big event coming up but the feelings are just manifesting themselves differently this time, and maybe part of that is true, but I’m definitely more excited than anything else. I still say the anxiety is connected to something physiological and I’m not so sure how much of it is on the medication at this point. I just really hope to hell this isn’t a life sentence, whatever it is!

It was pretty interesting how one person mentioned it coming on at the same time even though I don’t know if they had my exact same symptoms. That could explain why mine has been toward the end of my day. I was barely borderline for about 90 minutes toward the end of my day yesterday. It was still a good day overall and I took my meds when I got up. Just not sure when and if I want to restart the statins.

Anyway, they say that yes, anxiety can go away after menopause but if you had anxiety during menopause, you may really have to take better care of your nervous system afterward. They recommend things like magnesium and Vitamin D. Magnesium didn’t help me much and I don’t know if Vitamin D is going to make much difference either, but we’ll see. I should hear from my doctor at some point today, too.

I had many detailed dreams but unfortunately, I don’t remember all of them, particularly ones that pertained to moving. Instead, I was about to turn 48 and was single and living in my own apartment somewhere. Every time I would return from going out somewhere, some guy would call me. At first I wrote it off as a prank, assuming it was some lonely, bored jackass that lived nearby and could see when I would come and go. But then I realized he knew my name and would call no matter what door I entered. This was when it hit me that if he was someone who lived nearby, he couldn’t see both front and back doors from one place any more than someone within the building could.

So on his next call, I was a little bit pissed and a whole lot curious and demanded that he show himself and come to my door. His reply was some senseless thing about having to protect those he loved.

I don’t know if this was part of the same dream or not, but in another scene, the apartment had a mural along the living room wall with a few people’s faces. I wrote some less-than-kind comments about them but I’m not sure what they were. I definitely felt guilty enough about it to call the management office and tell them I just noticed the writing.

“I thought you wrote this,” one of the guys said that used this long stick-like thing to remove the writing, but I lied and denied having anything to do with it.

In order to use the cleaning thing, they had to use a special plug my keyboard was plugged into. After they left, I accidentally discovered that they plugged in their own keyboard instead of mine and had taken mine with them. Out of curiosity, I used some of the hotkeys in a document to see what information may come up. One of the things was a random string of letters and numbers that could have been a password for something.

So I went to call the office to tell them about the accidental switch when I realized I couldn’t call them because their number was programmed into my keyboard and apparently, I had no other way to retrieve it.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2021 At the end of my day yesterday I was so damn cold that I ended up taking my medication a couple of hours after I ate for the last time. I took my temperature and it was 96.8. Took it when I got up and it said I was 97.0, so I’m warming up a bit. Makes me wonder if I would literally freeze to death if I went over a week without taking this med.

I’m virtually positive that the statins didn’t have a hand in this round of anxiety but I’m still yes and no on the other stuff. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It makes sense that it would have a hand in it but then it doesn’t because of how erratic it is. And why always during the second part of my day? That isn’t a hard rule but it seems to be more common than not. I have been slightly on edge since being up and I wonder if it’s because I’m worried I’ll end up really anxious later because I took my med or because of the med itself. Whether or not I take it when I get up depends on how the rest of the day goes.

Realizing this isn’t going away on its own or at least not anytime soon, I finally messaged Doc A again and asked if she could recommend something OTC.

We went through the kitchen junk drawers and talked about how we could get out of here sooner if we started off in a “tooth park” with dumpier homes set close together which I hate, but noise is not only something I’m used to but the least of my concerns right now. Really, I wouldn’t know a quiet place if you put me in one. I went out before midnight to dump the recyclables and it was roaring out there between the freeway and a helicopter. No, I don’t like it but that’s all I pretty much know. And I know that it’s like this pretty much everywhere that doesn’t snow or get overly cold. It’s just the way today’s world is. I’m not going to go freeze my ass off somewhere just because people can’t shut up. But if we take a cheaper place, quiet or not, we could get out of here faster because we wouldn’t need to get as much for this place.

Having trouble picking up the drills for the mandala painting I’m doing now, so I’m applying them with tweezers. A painting with a girl’s face on it will be delivered tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how a person looks. This one isn’t bright and colorful like the other ones I’ve done. She has light eyes, black hair, red flowers in her hair, a red snake wrapped around her arm, and a dark background.

Last night I dreamed we moved although I’m not sure where it was. We decided we would let his family know where we were and ended up at some kind of event being hosted at David and Evie’s house. There were dozens of people when we got there, and Tom and I walked into one room in particular. Then Evie entered the room. She looked different and was actually quite slim, but I knew who she was right away. She had short curly hair dyed light brown. In real life, she was fat and had straight red hair.

I said hello and she ignored me, holding a serious expression on her face as she strode across the room with purpose in her stride. I said hello again, and again she ignored me. Feigning confusion, I asked if everything was okay. She finally said something about having to take care of something at the moment, but I knew deep down she resented us no doubt due to what other family members had said and because of our long absence.

Tom and I ended up separated and I was sitting at a round table with about half a dozen other people. I realized the pale pink spaghetti strap top I had on was too big and sagging in front. Then I was pissed at myself for not wearing a bra and a bit embarrassed to think of that and how I was wearing the same exact top the last time, not that anyone should have remembered that far back.

Deciding not to care about my shirt and lack of bra, I rose from my seat and wandered into a larger room in which about half a dozen people were playing different instruments. I scanned the room looking for Tom and found him on the other side of it.

When I approached him, I said that we weren’t going to be leaving for three or four more hours and I was afraid I would end up really tired since I’d been up since very early that morning. But then I reminded myself that people do party after getting up early.

Then I was sitting at a long table by myself eating the plate of food sitting before me (did someone bring it to me or did it just magically appear?) as the band played on. I was glad there were extra forks so I didn’t have to hunt for one but then I noticed there were trays of silverware set up nearby.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2021 We still need to finish the laundry and bathroom floor and then touch up the paint in some spots. Plus we have to pull out the old bedroom windows and really clean the hell out of the appliances. He’s going to take the oven and showers and I’m going to tackle the toilets and fridge. Oh, got to bring the shower door back in and put it in the master bathroom, too.

Once that’s done, we’re going to reach out to a company that isn’t exactly like Sundae but not quite like a traditional realtor and hope for the best. Tom’s researched them. You take pictures of the place and shoot video or something like that and they give you a quote.

Anyway, the anxiety tends to mostly be present during the second part of my day and I don’t know why. I’m still suspecting that one of the many factors involved is that my thyroid medication built up too much in my system and I didn’t skip enough earlier which prolonged the anxiety. So I’m waiting until I feel better before I go back to it.

However, if there’s any shit later on today, I’m going to message my PCP again and tell her that I don’t have the time and money to focus on this crap right now since we’re about to put our house on the market and can’t make an appointment with a psychiatrist that can’t see me for months anyway. Therefore, could she recommend an OTC supplement for anxiety that may help?

I did some research and I’m wondering if I may have a serotonin deficiency. One of the things they recommend for that is Vitamin D supplements, so I’ve gone back to that. I’ve also seen things like ashwagandha and L-theanine online and in stores which I’ll ask her about. I would prefer to only take something when I feel anxiety coming on but if I have to take something every day as a preventative measure, I will as long as there are no killer side effects. Trying to avoid SSRI drugs because they haven’t worked for me in the past. I would prefer not to need one in Florida but if I do, I hope that it doesn’t take so many months to get into a psychiatrist there.

Decided to try that pineapple wine Aly told me about but what does this idiot do? She goes into Rite Aid after being up for a long time and grabs the wrong bottle. I saw the palm trees on the bottle which I could have sworn I saw when I looked it up, and the word “pineapple,” and somehow the word “Malibu” registered as “Maui” in my mind when I glanced at it quickly. But instead of being wine, it’s rum, LOL. It’s fine, though. It’s good mixed with flavored sparkling water.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2021 The last half of my day yesterday was totally shitty as hell. Again I couldn’t help but think of the potential diseases I found listed that can cause anxiety. Yet I don’t have heart disease, diabetes, or any of the diseases listed. Yes, I’m hypo but being hyper seems to make you more susceptible to anxiety.

I’ve also been cold as hell. I know it’s winter and part of being more hypo due to the skips I’ve made, but it does seem more noticeable lately. The instant I turned off the hot shower earlier, and I mean the instant, I was freezing cold again. I almost always have to sleep with a fan on, even in the winter. Yet last time around I didn’t need the fan at all.

But just like with the anxiety, I don’t have any of the diseases they say can make you feel cold other than being hypo.

So I thought of this long, horrible spell I’ve been having, and once again, it seems too extreme for wacky hormones. I think the problem is what it’s always been and what started, coincidentally, when I started taking the medication…the medication itself. I think where I went wrong was that I didn’t skip enough. When it creeps up on me, I need to not go back on it until I feel better for more than just a few hours or even a day. So I don’t know if I’m going to take my meds when I get up later on or not.

He thinks it’s mostly because of the skips, my hormones, and stress, but I just don’t know. Right now I’m thinking the meds built up too much in my system and I didn’t skip enough. I would rather have hypo symptoms than the anxiety from hell, so we’ll soon find out!

I woke up in the middle of my sleep for about 90 minutes and that caused a big jump in my schedule. Next week, I’m probably going to call the dentist and see if I can adjust the time of my appointment. I should still be okay for my other appointments.

Never did hear back from the cavy rescue group but didn’t expect to, so Tom will get in touch with Petco next week as well.

We went for a quick 15-minute walk at around 11. No skunk sightings although I got faint whiffs of them every now and then.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2021 I’m so cold and missing summer so much that I don’t see how those stuck in the polar vortex can stand it.

Spent the first half of my day feeling the most normal and like my old self. It was great. Once I got past that halfway marker, though, I started feeling eh. Not bad but not great either. If I don’t get over this in another year or two, then that’s going to leave the medication or me developing a permanent disorder as a real possibility. Again I question the medication because then why did I go 11 weeks as I did at the end of last year?

Another possibility that I didn’t think of when I made the list of 7 possibilities was autoimmune flares. I don’t know if I still have those and exactly how they would affect me if I do but I wonder if that might be a possibility and would explain why I’m worse at times than I am at other times.

Since not taking my meds till the end of the day may not be helping me avoid not feeling as well once I get past the halfway mark of my day, I may go back to taking it in the morning.

What worries me about an article I read is how they mention suicidal thoughts being serious. Menopause shouldn’t make you feel that way. Just the way it mentions how it’s only an underlying health concern that will likely get worse without treatment if it’s this intense and regular makes me feel even worse. The problem is time and money. We need to be focused on getting out of here. It isn’t that I don’t want help but I just don’t know how to get it. I worry about all the time and money it may take and how many scary medications it may take before and if they find the right one. So I just don’t know if anybody can ever help me. I may be beyond help. But yeah, something is obviously wrong. I just don’t know what.

There’s so much anger either way. I’m so, SO pissed that I’ve had to suffer with such intense anxiety and for so long. Like what the fuck did I ever do to deserve such torture? Anything else I’ve ever experienced that was bad was a walk in the park compared to this. Hell, food poisoning is easier than anxiety! All I know is that if there is anything up there that could have prevented this, I will never ever forgive it. If I went 10 years without anxiety, it will always spark anger to remember these days. It’s just so unfair and so undeserved. I may not be a perfect person, but come on. You mean to tell me the lying, delusional nutjobs out there deserve better health and peace of mind than I do?

Another thing (as if anxiety isn’t enough) is that my weight is crying out to go up. It’s inching upward and I’m struggling like crazy to control it but don’t know that I can. Oh well. I did say I’d like to qualify for a lap band. Traditional diet and exercise haven’t done me any good for the last decade so that would be my only hope. Getting peanuts wasn’t a good thing. Thought it would help my foot cramps but bananas are actually better for that. I need to once again back off the carbs and drop the dark chocolate since it doesn’t always calm me anyway.

I emailed a guinea pig rescue group but don’t know if they’re taking pigs during the pandemic. If they don’t come through, we’ll contact Petco and see if they can direct us somewhere. If not, we’ll have to go to a shelter.

Couldn’t resist sending Donte, Alyssa’s husband, a friend request out of curiosity. If it’s ignored or I’m blocked, then I’m sure it’s because he knows who I am. Yes, there are people that won’t add anyone they don’t know personally but I think that’s more of a woman’s thing than a guy’s thing.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2021 There’s only one word to describe how last night was for me from about 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. when I finally woke Tom up. HORRIBLE. Just horrible. I felt horribly anxious that it was making me horribly depressed and I just wished I could drop dead right there on the spot. My HR was consistently around 100.

He said it’s very unlikely that I have an extra potent batch of medicine because of the way there are people who test all the medications to make sure they are what they’re supposed to be before they’re given to the thousands of people who take it. He said we would have heard about it by now and that he thinks it is still a factor but more because of skipping than anything else. Then why didn’t I have this problem before I was diagnosed? I asked him and he said because my thyroid crashed gradually while the skips are more severe. That does make sense to a degree.

I’m still going to avoid the statins for a while but decided to take the poison at night. I’ve tried this before and it probably won’t help but since the trouble seems to usually start around the middle of my day, I figured I would take it a few hours before bed so that it’s been in my system for 8 hours in the middle of my sleep. As I said, I don’t know if that will make a difference, but we’ll see.

He thinks it’s mostly stress and that the pill skips and my hormones are compounding things. Well, if this is how I handle stress these days then I’m going to have a really rough rest of my life. He still thinks it will go away someday but I’ve totally given up hope. I think that it’s either a case of ending my life or just accepting that I’m going to suffer on and off to try to enjoy the good times. Like right now. Right now I’m pretty stable. I woke up a little on edge not knowing what to expect but now I’m doing okay.

Being the wonderful, supportive guy he is, he’s copying my schedule during the times I’m most likely to get anxious. Aly’s been there for me as well. We went out for a walk as the sun was setting and I showed him some yoga moves. Because I’m so bad at yoga which I’m guessing is because I’m fat, I think he would struggle even worse with it, LOL. This guy is 100 pounds overweight and loves to eat. He may consider getting a lap band when he’s on Medicare if they’ll cover enough of it. Depending on how it goes for him, I may eat my BMI up high enough (in 5 minutes) and get lap banded as well.

I’ve got a pair of pink yoga blocks coming. These are to help control your range of motion. Because age and weight have caused me to lose a lot of my flexibility, the blocks help make up for what I can’t quite reach. I always plan and live as if I’m never going to lose the weight and therefore, I do what I can to improvise whenever necessary and possible. I know it isn’t all about my weight, though, because I’ve seen obese people more flexible than I am and I’m not quite obese. At least not from an inches standpoint.

The amethyst stone with the thumb indentation arrived yesterday and they included a free gift which was a polished piece of citrine. The orange-brown polished rock is ugly, so I gave it to Tom, LOL.

Again my ENT was in my dreams last night. Strange how often she shows up in them. I wonder why, too. I remember my discussion with Andy about thought vibrations and it makes me wonder if I’m showing up in her dreams or thoughts and that’s why she’s showing up in mine. Most of the time I don’t remember the dreams but last night I was commenting on how long her hair got and so fast too.

Ugh, just googled her to see if anything new came up that may explain why I’ve been dreaming about her and got “Doc N, MD, is permanently closed.” So does that mean she moved and I’ll see her there wherever “there” is, and assuming they tell me where to go, or do I have to see someone else? If I have to see someone else, again, why does everything have to have such shitty timing in my life? I just looked on Dignity’s site, and the appointment is still there at the usual place on Cole, so I don’t know what’s up.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2021 Yesterday I felt so much better. My day started off slightly borderline and then I felt great. I didn’t take anything at all yesterday. Today I took my levothyroxine and sure enough, towards the middle of my day, I can feel the anxiety picking up. I still think the statins likely compounded it, but for the millionth time, what the fuck is wrong with me??? I thought about it and came up with 7 possibilities which I’ve listed below.

Low thyroid Medication/brands Hormones Stress Developed anxiety disorder Location Something else

Okay, now let’s analyze them one at a time. The low thyroid itself seems unlikely because my thyroid didn’t fail the day before I was diagnosed. I’m almost positive it was low for a few years before they tested it.

As I said, the statins may have compounded it and I don’t doubt that I’ve had issues with different brands. But these thyroid pills are Sandoz, so it got me thinking about the inconsistencies I read about and how generic manufacturers aren’t as consistent as name brands. Could my anxiety be worse because I got an extra potent batch? It’s still ironic that my problems with anxiety didn’t start until a few months after I started this shit.

As for hormones and stress, it seems a bit much to be those things. I’ve never heard of any case of hormonal changes that a woman goes through at my age being this bad and even my doctor said she didn’t think it was only about that.

Also, I’ve been faced with MUCH more stressful situations than moving and having appointments, yet I never went through this before. Besides, you typically handle stressful situations better with age, not worse.

Analyzing the possibility of developing an anxiety disorder…possible but unlikely. People do develop different disorders at different ages in life, so I realize that it’s a possibility even if it still seems unlikely to me. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s my gut instinct that’s telling me that’s not it.

Then there is the least likely possibility and that has to do with being so close to a cemetery or something about this house or the general area itself. That would be the best thing it could be, but I highly doubt this one the most.

The last possibility I thought of this some other underlying health condition that hasn’t been discovered yet that could be causing this but that too, doesn’t seem likely.

I think the main culprits are connected to the medications and wacky hormones but hopefully not that I developed an anxiety disorder or that it’s become how my body reacts to low thyroid because if the last two are even remotely possible, then I’m forever doomed for sure.

I just wish I knew what things were having a hand in it and how much of a hand they have! Really starting to fear this is never going to go away no matter how postmenopausal I become.

If I absolutely had to guess right now, I would say the number one culprit is connected to the medication somehow. I think there are probably just inconsistencies from bottle to bottle and maybe even from pill to pill, I don’t know. Runner-up to that would be hormones still changing.

I may skip again tomorrow and see how I feel. If I feel better on days I skip, then that tells me something. I haven’t decided for sure yet. Of course I don’t want to be anxious, but I don’t want to be hypo either. But to think my life is going to be a constant battle of Would You Rather? makes me want to beat my fucking head into the wall.

The only good thing is that if I continue to feel this way after the move, then I can narrow the list down to 6 possibilities.

Tom applied for a few jobs and there was a casino job he thought might actually be fun where you walk around with a cart with change for people and all that. Yeah, but I’d hate for him to be around all that second-hand smoke and I also hate the idea of him working before he’s vaccinated. It would also take time away from the prepping and all that and dealing with realtors. Really hope he won’t have to work until after the move and only if he wants to for extras like going on cruises.

I don’t think Virginia’s home. At 9 o’clock I looked over there and there wasn’t any light on, yet she never goes to bed that early. I hope nothing’s wrong for her sake, almost 88 or not!

The frames came today, and we framed the palm trees diamond painting I finished last night. It looks great! Had to put purple poster board behind it because it was a little narrow for the frame. The length was perfect, though.

The two unicorn diamond paintings came today as well which I plan to do for Aly’s birthday.

Ordered a 12x12 painting of various mandalas for myself and a set of 6 Freshly Baked fragrance oils - Blueberry Pancakes, Caramel Nut Muffin, Butterscotch Cookie Dough, Cinnabon, Chocolate Fondue, Creamy Nutmeg.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2021 So I got really bad last night, and then it stopped. Just stopped. I don’t get it. It was almost like the panic attack without the panic where it peaked and then fizzled out. Only I didn’t have the racing heart, shaking, or feel like I was going to die. Just ran and got a big mouthful of turkey which I had forgotten I had.

Tryptophan seems like it helps better than alcohol. I hadn’t had any wine for over a week just in case it might have been contributing to my anxiety even though I didn’t think it was. But I picked up some Moscato today.

I read a report on some studies conducted and there are a number of reports of statin users reporting feelings of anxiety and depression. Not as much as irritability, but still. We know that for some reason I’ve gotten sensitive to medication and certain brands as well. And it’s quite a coincidence that I got really bad after taking the statin I took last night. So I’m taking a break again and this time it’s going to be for a lot longer than just a few days. I still think there are multiple contributors to the anxiety, but I think that could be a significant source and I don’t want to take any chances. I’d totally rather not be on statins and end up dropping dead of a stroke or heart attack than take statins and feel so horribly bad. If I literally could have snapped my fingers and been dead, I wouldn’t have hesitated.

Thinking back to how bad I was when I first started on both drugs in 2014, it kind of makes sense. If I was on the brands that make me more anxious at the same time and going through perimenopause, I can see where that would have created the perfect storm.

I decided to layer my hair and it looks a little better. All I did was brush the hairs from the crown of my head straight upward and trim the ends.

It’s Andy’s 59th birthday tomorrow so I’m going to wish him a happy birthday soon.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2021 Nothing like begging a God who doesn’t exist (or doesn’t care to hear me) to please not let me be anxious just to end up anxious anyway. I’ve done everything I can think of to help myself yet it’s gotten me nowhere. The only thing I’m not willing to do is schedule an appointment with some foreign shrink that can’t see me for half a year to discuss drugs that are either addicting, have horrible side effects, or stop working after a while.

Yesterday’s anxiety was mild but it was still noticeable. Seems to be coming more toward the end of my day rather than the middle lately for whatever reason. That is, until today. Today I woke up feeling a mix of anxiety, depression, and fatigue but later perked up briefly. Was it cuz of the pot lotion? The anxiety oil? The dark chocolate? Something else? I wish I knew!

The darkness goes on with no end in sight. Every time I start to feel better, I get that weird feeling again. That anxious, depressive feeling. I just can’t believe I’m going through this shit and that I’ve become this way. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It’s like something up there really wants me to have some form of long-term suffering or another. Just wish we could please go back to the days of it being external. If it wasn’t for this shit, my worst problems would be occasional boredom and noise.

Anxious or not, there’s still the stress of the upcoming appointments and plenty of stress over the move. So many things could go wrong, and well, things are never easy for us. Just rehoming the pigs may be harder than we thought. There are a surprising number of shelters that say they don’t take guinea pigs and there aren’t as many no-kill shelters as we thought there would be. We’re still going to contact a guinea pig rescue service but they may have to go to a shelter that will put them to sleep. Of course we would prefer for that not to happen but if God forbid it does, at least they won’t know it’s coming and they’ll die an easy death compared to a natural one. I wish we could all die by simply falling asleep, never waking up, and never knowing when it’s going to happen.

I still fear that this is more than changing hormones and am coming to doubt whether either medication is responsible for it because of the way the anxiety isn’t consistent. Oh, I still know I had problems with the thyroid medication when I first started it and I still think I did have some brand issues where that’s concerned but I don’t think the statins cause my latest round of anxiety. In fact, I went back on them tonight.

This is definitely the worst spell I’ve had in ages and it’s truly worrisome. It makes me wonder if there’s some other health issue going on that could be causing it. From what I read, not only can thyroid disease cause it but so can diabetes, heart disease and others. And again, it’s still possible I simply up and became this way and developed an anxiety disorder but I sure as hell hope that’s not the case and that it isn’t a forever thing. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and that things do change, but that’s not a hundred percent true. My thyroid disease is going to last forever and so is my TMJ.

I’ve had 17 anxious days so far this year. That’s about half as many as I had last year! Something’s wrong. This is absolutely horrible. The anxiety is getting more intense as I write this and I’m scared. My mind keeps pinging back and forth between all the possibilities… the meds, the brand, hormones, an anxiety disorder I developed, my thyroid, some other health issue… I feel like I’m about to go completely insane! It’s like I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I’m trying to keep from freaking out because I just don’t know what to do anymore. It used to be easy even when it was hard. It was easy because I knew what the problem was be it poverty or problem neighbors or whatever. But now I don’t know what the fuck my enemy is and what to do about it. I just know I’m tired of suffering and not knowing what the fuck to do. I just tried tapping and nothing helps.

“You’re such a good detective,” Andy told me because he never noticed the address on his cover picture, and the reason it’s there is that it reminded him of Connecticut. LOL, that’s exactly where I thought it was, too.

He missed me laughing at his weather. That feel-good kind of laughter, he said which always put him in a good mood.

He said he’s still sober, clean, self-employed, and happy with his life and where he lives. Yes, winter sucks but he can’t handle the heat as well as he used to, he told me. Neither can I but I guess that’s because I’m not young and skinny anymore and definitely because my medication can make you sensitive to heat. I still tolerate heat a hell of a lot better than cold.

He said he thinks of moving to the coast of Florida someday but doesn’t know if he actually will.

He also says he’s working on his food addiction. Yeah, I thought he might have had a food addiction way back when. Food was all he would talk about besides God and Stevie.

I’m not at all surprised Trump was acquitted again. Really, why bother to have these “trials?” They’re about as pointless as protests. It seems some people really are above the law. However, as much as I wish Trump would just drop dead, he really isn’t responsible for other people’s actions. Someone can tell me to kill someone all they want, but if I actually act on it, I’m the only one responsible for my actions. Not anyone else. These were grown adults who should have known right from wrong. No one forced them to riot. They chose to do it on their own. Trump may be a shitty influence that deserves to be slowly tortured to death but not directly responsible from a legal standpoint.

Aly says Kim finally wrote her and had a COVID-19 scare but is okay. Yeah, I figured as much. I knew she would be just fine. As horrendously huge as she is, she probably won’t develop any serious health issues until the day before she dies.

The pair of unicorn diamond paintings, along with frames for larger diamond paintings, and a small amethyst healing stone with an indentation for the thumb are on their way. Of course I don’t think it will work but it was only seven bucks and I’m desperate as hell.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2021 So I did hear back from Andy but first things first…I keep ending up liking and wanting to keep the diamond paintings I plan to send Aly for her birthday, LOL. So now I have two owl paintings that were going to be hers. I’m getting a two-pack of unicorns for her instead that I’m at least reasonably sure I wouldn’t want to keep for myself.

We’re going to be getting some frames for the big one I’m still doing. I should be finished with it in a few days or so. He saw a tutorial on framing diamond paintings where you get colored poster board to slip behind it in a frame that’s bigger than the painting and you have that color for a border. That way you don’t have to worry about a precise fit.

Tom’s been slaving away at the floor in the small bathroom. The foam tiles are coming up easily and the vinyl tiles are coming up easily, but the adhesive isn’t. There’s a horrible sticky film all over the floor that he’s slowly trying to scrape and mop up. It’s probably going to take multiple moppings. Now he’s trying the carpet cleaner on it.

I finally ran out of patience with long hair and cut it off myself. It’s barely to my shoulders but looks okay and is MUCH easier to manage. It poofs out a bit but I don’t want to layer it myself. I keep it in a ponytail most of the time anyway, and a salon can straighten it out for me in a couple of months or so. I just didn’t want to deal with the length for another couple of months.

Good to see the critical cases slipping under 100K for the first time in a while. We should be a month or two away from vaccinations.

Aly and Cam did The Return to Sender spell yesterday and I’m hoping it helps them the way it’s helped us.

I remained calm yesterday which is something I have mixed emotions about. Of course I don’t want to feel anxious under any circumstances for any reason, but I also don’t want it to be a brand issue either. It’s too soon to say for sure either way, though.

So I awoke to a few funny memes and a few messages from Andy which sort of surprised me. I mean it did, but it didn’t. He swears it wasn’t him that said, “Jodi gets free stuff always” or “Tom’s the worker bee silly rabbit,” on MD years ago. Unless he did and simply isn’t remembering it, the one thing he’s never been guilty of is being a liar. He’s actually always been pretty honest with me.

I guess it could have been anyone since, after all, a woman in the US is seen as bad for not working as a woman in India is for not having kids. It just seemed a little too personal, almost as if it was someone close to me. And the “silly rabbit” comment seemed like something he would make as well. Doesn’t seem like any family members would say that, and those currently in my life aren’t judgmental otherwise they wouldn’t be in it. IDK, maybe it was a random reader. I’ll never know. But women do get bashed for having kids these days and twice as much for not having a job outside of the house, even if they still work from home. Other than when there’s a lockdown going on of course.

He admits to being judgmental and that his family and I have accused him of being negative and that everyone seems to expect perfection from him. He said why not just accept him as he is? Also, the thing that would bother him most was when I expect him to agree with everything.

I never expected him to agree with everything. Just to keep in mind that sometimes there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact. I think, though, that we all can be judgmental and negative at times, so I can understand that much. I mean even if we don’t always voice them, it’s only human nature to form judgments and opinions on what we hear and see.

He apologized for pressuring me to be in constant contact years ago. Aly used to do that to me too. He says although he doesn’t know why he was like that, he realizes it was wrong and says he’s just as busy as I was then. Well, I don’t know if I was always busy, but I do try to keep myself occupied so I don’t get bored and out of shape. Still, anytime I feel smothered isn’t a good thing. We all need some breathing space.

He said what he loves most about me is my silly sense of humor and that no one else has ever made him laugh as much as I have. But in so many ways my mind is creative in devious ways, many of which he participated in and that scared him and made him question being friends with someone who was capable of being that way.

Oh, the deviant shit I admit I used to pull in the past without blinking an eye that I would never even think of doing these days due to either feeling guilty or worried about Karma getting me for it. Like writing “fuck you” on Andrea’s IRS statement that was accidentally put in my mailbox at the Vista Ventana before returning it. But never think that deviance doesn’t live on in my mind, though, for it does. Oh, the things I do to some people in my mind!

Regardless, he always remembers our history and that it dates back to the late '60s, and loves being friends with people who knew him for that long. Precisely why I would never tell him that in many ways, Aly is the bestie he never was or could be. Because I know that would hurt since we’ve met face-to-face and go back to the '60s as opposed to a cyber friendship that goes back to 2008. But even though Andy will always be like family to me, I know which one I’d choose in a heartbeat if I had to!

2008 was the year he said Adam dumped him and he’s not sure he would ever want to resume a friendship with him but for some reason I’m different and he does want to be my friend. He said he visited Marla in 2018 and would have loved to take the train up to Sacramento once again. Yeah, I admit that would’ve been nice.

I think it would be good to keep in touch every now and then rather than be so all or nothing. I can’t say that I’ll ever consider him the bestie I once considered him to be but more like the bestie of the 20th century while Aly’s the bestie of the 21st century.

Oh, the obvious differences in their intelligence levels! He says he doesn’t know why I think he’s in Ohio. He’s still in Springfield, Massachusetts, and loving every second of it. Ah, but does he not realize the address on his cover photo? Obviously not, LOL.

He said he remembers when he sang me the song How Do You Do and I was so excited because I’d forgotten that song.

And again I forgot about that song, LOL…until he just mentioned it. We used to sing it to each other at the beach when we were kids, he said, although I don’t remember that much.

As far as that deviant thing goes, he mentioned a guy at the Vista that would call him a faggot and that I wrote a letter anonymously to say that I knew where he was and was going to come and get him, and then he moved in the middle of the night and we were laughing about it and all that. At first I had absolutely no recollection of who he was talking about. I’m still not sure I know who he’s talking about but it does sound like something I would have done. My best guess is the pervert who lived next to me when I had the ground-floor studio. Hated that bastard! And I hated the guy above me because he walked like an elephant. Andrea would end up worse than both of them, though. But he must be talking about Mark. Robert was the guy above me, but Mark…that must be the 6-foot-plus perve I, barely 100 pounds soaking wet at the time, must’ve scared off. Haha!

Mark was a definite hater, alright…gays, blacks, poor people…he hated them all. Didn’t we red-bra him, though? It seems like my parents sent a package and we took some of the things we didn’t want and left them by people’s doors just to baffle them, and I swear I took a red lacy bra that was too big for me and left it hanging on his door, LOL.

I mentioned putting the house on the market and he said with confidence that we’ll get a great offer in just one day because the house is beautiful, but I think he forgets that manufactured homes don’t have the value that on-site built homes have, plus it is outdated.

I would have had the answers if I’d just been able to speak clearly! I had the information in my dreams. I excitedly told the dream people our moving date but was so choked up with emotion and crying happy tears that I could barely talk. Right now I have a mild vibe about getting an offer in April and moving in June but it’s not as strong as the flying vibes and dreams I’ve had. He was comparing costs between flying and different ground variations and right now it is looking more likely that we will fly. If that’s true, it will be interesting to see if it’s first-class like in the dream and if the window is to my left.

Here’s the most interesting and amazing thing he told me. Well, we switched to leaving voice messages because it’s easier. He sounds great and very easy to understand, as always. Can’t deny that they put a big smile on my face just like when he would leave voice messages on the old-fashioned answering machines we had in our apartments back in the 80s. He thanked me for that classic laugh of mine.

Anyway, back when he started popping up in my dreams, I remembered how he once told me that people that know each other sense when they’re on each other’s minds and he would often pick up the vibes when someone was thinking of him and vice versa. I wondered if him being in my dreams like that all of a sudden meant that he’d been thinking of me. Well, it turns out that he hadn’t thought of me in months, and then last October he started dreaming about me a lot and asking himself what the hell is going on? Is she thinking of me? Is she going to come back into my life? And then he told himself nah, she’s never going to contact me ever again. But now, here I am. Way cool but makes me wonder why the termites are on my mind every day. I certainly don’t miss them and I would never under any circumstances ever take them back into my life for any reason, but I wonder if it’s because they’re thinking of me constantly that’s got them on my mind regularly or if it’s just my anger that has them on my mind so much. Probably the latter. I’ll get things off my chest when I feel the time is right and that will purge some of the anger even though I’ll never forgive them.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2021 I’m getting a little worried about Aly because I didn’t hear from her all day yesterday and I haven’t heard anything yet today. She probably just had a bad day, and she does do this every now and then so I would be willing to bet I’ll hear from her later on this afternoon. I would think that if something was really wrong, Cam would let me know if she was unable to and that if she didn’t want anything to do with me for whatever reason, she would tell me even though she did ghost Molly. Or so she says anyway. She hasn’t mentioned her or Kim lately.

Went out walking on this pleasant cloudy day and it’s nice to see all the apple and cherry trees in bloom already. Now I’m just waiting for the anxiety to hit. Yeah, it got me yesterday for a few hours. So out of the last 13 days, I’ve only had one day off. Decided to stop the statins and see how I do. Really don’t want it to be a brand issue but we’ll see.

Yesterday a guy that works for the park said they were replacing our water meter with something that will allow them to read it at the front of the house. Oh, so they wait till he spends all kinds of time and money trying to keep them from slamming the trap door and we’re down to a few months before the move to finally do this? Another classic example of how things tend to have such shitty timing in our lives!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2021 Did another 2-mile walk around the perimeters of the park. Just like yesterday, Fitbit said I had 39 active minutes and walked for 38 minutes. However, my HR peaked at 133 instead of 139.

It’s kind of frustrating to cross the street to avoid someone and their dog while we’re still not vaccinated, just to have them jump across the street as well a second later. Maybe I should start taking a mask with me, especially in the area where there’s more likely to be people out with their dogs.

It was gorgeous out at nearly 60 degrees. It’ll be close to 70 later on. The air was cool but it was warm in the sun and I wished I had on shorts and a tank top instead of capris and a tee. Tomorrow will be cloudy and we might even get some rain but with the weather gradually warming up, I’ll be taking the bike out soon enough.

The best news is that after 12 anxious days in a row, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday. While that’s great, I don’t want to get my hopes up because I know it’s only going to return. It always does. The question is whether or not it returns in a day or a few weeks. There’s still nothing to say it’s ever going to go away for good. I’d have to go for at least half a year before I could finally get my hopes up and that hasn’t happened yet. Each year that it doesn’t, I lose hope that it ever will. That’s okay, though. I’m still determined to accept and adjust to it and just appreciate those good days even more. It can’t be a forever thing because I’m not going to live forever in the first place.

Either way, it’s amazing how dramatically better things have been after placing the spell. I really hope my buddy will do it as well. It may not make life perfect but it definitely stops the extremes from happening and things from being worse than usual.

I did the pink flamingo diamond painting yesterday which looks beautiful. Still not sure I want to give Aly the first one of these six-by-six paintings I did which contains an owl, so I got another owl one I might do for her. This one is a little different than the first owl painting I did.

Last night I dreamed about an island but I’m not sure if we moved to it or were contemplating moving to it. We were trying to find out how much it would cost to have the car shipped there. Not from here, but because there was no bridge or causeway, we wanted to know what this ferry would cost that you drive your car onto and that takes you back and forth to the island.

A sign of some kind? I don’t know about that but now is about the time the premonitions would start coming as we’re now down to about a month from going on the market.

He found a cute little place on an island in a wooded area in the Bahamas that you could rent for $2,600 for 3 months, but as tempting as it may be, he couldn’t work there and we wouldn’t necessarily be able to get other things we’d need. Only in the US can you help yourself to the jobs and get all kinds of services. They’re more of a take-care-of-our-own kind of country and to be honest, that’s the way it should be.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2021 My ylang-ylang oil came today so I just threw a few drops in the diffuser. Such a lovely smell.

Managed to sleep longer but still woke up tired. First, just as I was knocking off last night, my feet were cramping up. I got so frustrated I wanted to grab a ruler and smack the shit out of the soles of my feet. I guess maybe I’m low on potassium or something. Just as soon as the bananas hurry up and ripen up, I’ll have one.

Despite being tired, we went for a 40-minute walk around the park. It was a nice walk even though it was filled with the usual symphony of small planes, big planes, helicopters, loud landscaping, and barking dogs.

Spring is in the air. An apple blossom tree down the street is already starting to bloom. Doubt we’ll have many more nights in the thirties.

I’ve not only been tired, but I’ve been so damn cold and I’m guessing that’s because of the medication skips. Thank God I didn’t need this shit in jail because it usually takes weeks of fighting for medication to get it.

Can’t say for sure if I’m going to continue the statins, but it still seems unlikely for them to be the culprit since I’m not anxious all the time and when I am, it’s usually nowhere near when I took them since I take them a few hours before bed.

I got up at 8 so today’s anxiety will probably start somewhere between 4 and 6. I really realized yesterday that there really is a damn good chance that whatever the hell is causing this isn’t going to stop and that it’s never going away. So what do I do? Well, killing myself or living with it are basically my only two choices. That’s really all I can do. Nothing any doctor has ever given me has helped and nothing I’ve tried to do on my own has helped either, and when it has, it was short-lived.

The point is that I have to finally accept and understand for once and for all that the problem is very likely mine for life. I did read that you can have anxiety and other symptoms up to two years after your last period, but I can’t count on relief at that time or at any time. I really do need to learn to assume that this is the way I’m always going to be and just enjoy the calm moments.

I realize I’ve been approaching it all wrong and that trying to run from it and escape it is a waste of time and that I need to accept it, embrace it, own it, and just quit being a wimp and start dealing with it for once and for all! I’m looking at a very hard rest of my life, yes, but when it gets to the point where I just want to scream or burst out in tears, I must remember that at least I’m mostly healthy in other ways and at least it’s only going to be for around 20 more years and not 50. Yes, even a few more years is a very long time, but I can do it and I will do it. I can learn to adapt as I’m stronger than I’ve given myself credit for. I know I can toughen up to this and that one day, the anxiety will eventually become second nature to me and all I know. I won’t be able to imagine life without it! Maybe I won’t even want to because the more we suffer, the more it toughens us up and the more special the good times become and the more we appreciate them. Yes, I will admit that a terminal diagnosis would be easier in a sense because then I know it would be just a matter of weeks or months and not years that are very likely to turn into decades. But I will toughen up to this and I will learn to live with it!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2021 I’m so cold today although I’m not sure why. I guess I’m just hypo after the few skips I’ve recently made. Don’t know yet if I’m going to automatically skip on the 1st and 15th of every month as I had planned. It’s going to depend on how much the dark chocolate and pot lotion continues to help.

We ran out to Rite Aid where he got a few snacks and I got more dark chocolate. Didn’t get any wine. That might have actually been contributing to my anxiety.

I just wish I knew why I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. Usually, I sleep better at night. I decided to try that lotion infused with melatonin. But I’m getting a different brand and I’m getting it from Amazon, not Walmart. It will be here tomorrow.

I’m also getting some ylang-ylang oil and a small 6x6 diamond painting similar to the owl one I just did only this one is a pink flamingo. The only thing I really like about the owl that I did that I was tempted to keep was the glowing moon and the royal blue night sky. This one has the same color sky and moon, so if the colors are similar, Aly will get the owl for her birthday since she likes owls. The colors in the pink flamingo are definitely more my thing than the colors in the owl.

Going to be unpacking, reorganizing, and then repacking my collectibles. When I told Tom this, he said that’s exactly what he was thinking of doing with some of his computer and electronic-related stuff.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2021 Slept shitty last night so I’m kind of tired today. Tired enough to take the day off from exercising although it’s good to do once a week anyway and Sunday is when I usually do that.

I don’t know, it’s like the crystal energized me and not only did I have trouble falling asleep yesterday but I couldn’t get back to sleep when I woke up to pee 4 hours later. I then dozed on and off for about 3 hours after it took me an hour to fall back asleep.

Could be because I drank right before bed but I’m out of wine and I’m probably not going to get more anytime soon.

I remembered that the Twenties sell rocks and minerals and I asked Carolyn if she believed in healing rocks and crystals or if she thought it was silly superstition. She says she finds prayer usually helps calm her but knows others who have said they work. She doesn’t have any, though.

Not too long ago, Tom found that there was some decorative raw quartz outside. I like how mine is nicely polished and smooth to the touch. Can’t say for sure if it’s going to do me any good since I started to feel a little wound up at the end of my day yesterday. Better to have a little at the end of my day and not a lot in the middle or earlier but I just wish it would fucking stop!!!

It’s the weirdest thing because I don’t know if it’s “anxiety” per se. The only symptom I have is these random adrenaline rushes in my chest. I did read that that could be a symptom of tumors on the adrenal glands but for 4 years? It was in 2016 that the panic attacks stopped and the adrenaline rushes started. I’m sure I’ve actually had them since 2014 when this shit first began but the panic attacks would have made the feeling not stand out as much because I had other symptoms along with it. But I don’t usually have a racing heart or other symptoms with what I’ve been having since December of 2016. Just a feeling of adrenaline coming and going in waves in my chest. Tom is pretty sure it’s anxiety and not actually adrenaline because then my heart would have to be racing. Also, my old endo would have caught any tumors when she did the special adrenal tests she did.

I still say there’s got to be some physiological cause for it and while we both doubt it’s a tumor, I just wish I knew all the causes, what to do about it, if it’ll last forever, etc. The cannabis lotion I got seems to have a calming effect on me but it’s short-lived.

Dark chocolate seems like it may help a little as well but I don’t want to get carried away with the sugar. Then again I’d rather be a full-fledged diabetic before I continued to feel this horrible and the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Even a terminal diagnosis may not seem as bad because then at least I know there would be an end to my suffering. Don’t know if anything else would lie beyond but at least I would be done with any shit here.

So I know the potential causes could be changing hormones, low thyroid, build-up of meds, new brand of statins, but I still don’t know how to fix it.

He also thinks it could be me stressing out over my schedule, upcoming appointments, and the move. But then why did my body not react this way to stressful things in the past? He thinks it’s because we change with age and anxiety manifests itself differently than it used to.

Either way, my biggest fear in life right now is that this may never go away. No way in hell I can live like this for another 20 years or so. There’s just no way.

We went out for a walk yesterday and I was warm even with my hoodie even though it was only in the 50s.

I had this feeling in the outer corner of my right eye that there might have been an eyelash stuck in my eye or something. I had Tom look at it and he said it was irritated and like there was some kind of bruise or something. So I used his natural eyedrops and that helped soothe it. Oh, to have that be my worst problem in life!

I know I said I was going to wait but then decided to unblock Andy because I’m curious to see if he notices and has anything to say. From the looks of it, he’s no longer friends with Norma unless I just can’t see him on her friend list because he’s got his friend list set to private. Can’t believe either of them would ever unfriend the other.

Rats and Mexicans dominated my dreams last night. Or at least the ones I remember.

In one dream Tom and I were holding a terrified rat that was making sounds no rat has ever made.

In the next dream, we lived literally just a few steps from the Mexican border. I heard this strange humming sound and stepped into Mexico to see what it was and found myself in a very industrialized area. I then realized someone was working on something in a factory with some kind of power tool.

Dismayed to be so close to such noise, I stepped back into the US but not before some Mexican guy saw me and followed me to get on my ass for stepping over the border.

In another dream, I woke up tired but decided to go for a walk by myself anyway. It was really early in the morning and the sun was just coming up. Disoriented from lack of sleep, I started down a hill steeper than the one we have here and then found myself turning around to head back up without even realizing it. When I finally did realize it, I figured it would be better to head home because I was too out of it from lack of sleep anyway.

Once I got up to the top of the hill where the road formed a T and before I could head left towards my house, I spotted a group of Mexican guys across the street in a wooded area. I guess they were probably Mexican. Anyway, in that second, I realized I was stark naked. I crossed my arms over my chest and was horrified when one of them noticed me before I could make the turn toward my place, and started heading in my direction.

OMG, my husband is pure genius! I just remembered the Return to Sender spell which we reapply every now and then when things aren’t going well. We’ve done it maybe half a dozen times or so since he discovered it online in 2005. Well, I’ve either suddenly become seriously bipolar or the spell is already working because I feel tremendously better. Eh, I’m sure I’ll get stabbed again sooner or later but for now, I’m enjoying feeling better after starting off my day on an anxious note. But this spell really does help. It may not make everything perfect all the time but it does help.

Where he’s a genius is in coming up with the idea of getting a rental and a job when we get to Florida rather than buying a place right away. If we sign a lease for three to six months and he gets a job, then we could qualify for a place that’s closer to 200K instead of less than 100K where our options are much more limited. There aren’t many states like Cali where you can get over 4K a month and insurance and not even work. So our income is definitely going to take a nosedive in Florida, but I jokingly said, “Hey, maybe I’ll feel better then.”

It really does seem like we traded in money woes for health issues.

My only two concerns are whether or not they’ll accept us with what money we’ll have and whether or not we can get out in three or six months, but if worse comes to worst, we go back to the original plan and just buy a cheaper place.

What also makes this plan appealing is that it gives us a chance to test drive the climate without actually being locked in. Takes a lot longer to sell a place than it does to leave a rental.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2021 Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in over a week. Just very minimal traces of anxiety toward the end of my day. I hope I continue on an upward streak even though it won’t last more than a week or two. But if I must continue to suffer on and off from this, hopefully, it will be just one or two days a month instead of over a week.

My rose quartz necklace came yesterday and even though I still don’t see how a rock can influence things, I’m willing to try almost anything once. Most people, or at least many people, say prayer helps them. It certainly has never helped me when it comes to anxiety. So hopefully it will be different with healing crystals. If this does help, I hope it continues to because some things only seem to help for so long, like tapping. Tapping still helps. Just not as much.

Anyway, the necklace isn’t gorgeous, but it is pretty. It’s so smooth to the touch. I don’t understand why the claw clasp is the most popular when it’s the hardest to use, though. Tom was kind enough to help me switch it to a toggle clasp. Much easier!

I can say this much for sure and that’s that if there is a God that’s knowingly or intentionally causing my anxiety or that at least has the power to help me but chooses not to, it’s a real shit. Just a real shit that I’ll never forgive. Ever. But could either one really be possible? I guess no one can ever know for sure but I sure as hell hope not! What kind of God would do that to a person? What kind of anything would?

I’ve gained back a pound since I ate more yesterday because I felt better. I had three meals instead of two. Most days my body functions and feels best with around 1500 calories which maintains my current weight. But when I dip down to 1200 or lower, it drops.

As we suspected, there are additional fees at the Savanna Club in Pt Saint Lucie, so it’s almost for sure that we’re not going to get in there. I figured as much. We’re probably going to have to do some settling but I think pretty much anyone does unless they’re rich. I mean, I think we can do better than this place, but I just can’t see us ever having a place that I absolutely love and that’s nice and peaceful most of the time. Just not in my cards.

I decided to go ahead and let Andy know how I felt about some things. It was a long message too, at over 3K words. Some of it I’ve already tried to get across to him before and as they say, you can tell someone something, but you can’t always make them get it. Whether or not it sinks in this time is on him and as I told him, I don’t think he’s a bad person but I don’t think we should go back to communicating regularly either. I admit that I was sort of the liar he would accuse me of being because I told him I wouldn’t block him yet I decided to in the end. I’ll keep him blocked for a year or so and then we’ll see if he happens to contact me or not.

I’m going to dye my hair for what will hopefully be the last time before switching to that Merlot shampoo and just focus mostly on the roots and not bother to cover all of it.

In last night’s dream, we were staying in a cottage on the beach my family and I would spend our summers when I was a kid. At least one other woman was with us.

I woke up early one morning and was shocked to find waves crashing just outside the window. “Oh, my God!” I said and then I quickly quieted as I realized Tom was on the phone talking business with someone.

When he hung up, I told him I never saw the waterline that high before. “I’ve known this beach since I was a baby. The water’s never been even remotely close to the cottages before.”

Then another woman got up and Tom was helping her mix eyeshadow to a specific color that would make her look less tired.

“I used to do that at times when going to doctors so they wouldn’t think I was on anything when in fact I didn’t feel well. You didn’t sleep well?” I asked the woman.

She said no because a turkey gobbling woke her up.

“Maybe Karma will get it and send a big wave crashing down on its head that will swallow it up,” I said. Then I could see that Tom wasn’t too pleased with my saying that. The woman said nothing, so I quickly added, “That is a joke, of course.”

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2021 Sometimes I wish we’d committed suicide in the Sacramento motel or in Auburn during the recession. Had I known what lay ahead, that may have been a real game-changer for me. At first I was happy we survived so I could learn more languages and meet some interesting people online as I have but was it really worth all the other shit awaiting me in the end? Sometimes I’m not so sure about that.

Yesterday sucked for about 4 or 5 hours. Tom reminded me to use my happy light, as we call it, and not just for a few minutes. It’s on ‘high’ right now and sitting on the desk.

So I decided to message Doc A and she was obviously on the portal at the time because she replied just minutes later. I described my symptoms to her and let her know that I wasn’t having panic attacks but an anxious feeling in the center of my chest and wanted to know if changing hormones could still be a factor. She said it could be a combination of both anxiety and hormones still changing and to call them if the symptoms persist to set up an office or video appointment.

Yeah, because she’s really helped me before? It’ll be 7 years this summer. I’m starting to feel really doomed in that I don’t think this will ever go away. I just think it will be better sometimes than other times. Right now is certainly not one of those times. Last year I was anxious for somewhere between 30 and 40 days total. Yet we’re barely into February and I’ve already had 10 anxious days. Not exactly feeling very hopeful. In fact, I feel quite hopeless.

Instinctively, I’m trying to think of everything I can to help myself. I searched Amazon for some things and Tom reminded me not to worry about money and just get whatever I want. I’ve never been able to understand how an object could possibly make you feel better but healing stones and crystals seem to be a big thing, so I decided to try one. I got a rose quartz necklace that’s supposed to ease anxiety. It’s a pleasant shade of light pink.

One of the bracelets I saw looks remarkably like the one I made. I guess lava beads, being dry as they are, are good for placing a drop of oil onto. But why not just drop it on you?

Many believe that praying to God works but if there’s anything up there, it isn’t listening to me. So maybe crystals really do work for most people but won’t for me. I’ll find out later today.

I also got another blend of calming essential oils. I’ve heard good things about hemp oil but with me being afraid to try things orally, and not knowing how they may interact with my meds, I’m hesitant to try it. But some people say all they need is a couple of drops and gone is their anxiety. However, Walmart has this lotion infused with cannabis that I’m going to try. They even have one with melatonin in it. Never heard of drugs in lotions but I guess it kind of makes sense when you think about it because the skin does absorb things. I’ll just put a tiny bit on my hands when I get it with this morning’s delivery to make sure nothing bad happens. I still have my phobia when it comes to things like that, but desperate feelings call for desperate measures, and believe me, if I can ever find anything that helps, I’ll buy a lifetime supply of it! Hell, I would become a full-fledged alcoholic if I knew that would help. But just like with prescription anxiety medication, you can still feel some symptoms of anxiety even if you’ve had a drink.

I was going to skip the levothyroxine today but decided to take it. I just cut the waiting time in half. Depending on how I feel today, I may drop the statins for a week or so. I still can’t say for sure whether or not they could be contributing to this shit.

It definitely seems that whether it’s by design or not, I’m meant to suffer one long-term problem after another. It seems as soon as one ends, the next one begins within a year or two. I can’t stress enough how much this is the worst one so far! Maybe it’s one of those 7-year curses that will end this summer, but I doubt it even though the freeloaders seized control of my life for about that long. Seems like the total time I wanted a kid added up to about that long, too. Being broke is harder to calculate because it was more of an on-and-off thing than continuous.

I swear my bird clock must be possessed. It stopped tracking time and chirping, and every time I would remind myself to replace the batteries, I would forget. However, it started working on its own recently. Maybe something got stuck within the mechanisms?

Anyway, I got up a few hours ago and now I’m going to hit the shower and work out and brace myself for the inevitable storm to come later in my day. I don’t know, maybe it’s time to put suicide back on the table but not until after I’ve gotten the chance to live in Florida for a while. Really, I can’t play this fucking game for the rest of my life. There’s just no way I can do it.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2021 There’s nothing like waking up knowing that your day is going to suck at some point. Really, this anxiety is eating me up and sucking the life right out of me. I don’t understand why I still have these spells. Tom believes it’s a combination of things. I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s like nothing and everything makes sense.

We found a government site that lists the ingredients of medications. You can also report adverse effects there and they’ll actually investigate.

We found out that this brand of simvastatin was made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals. So that rules out Mylan and Lannett as being the makers.

What we wanted to do was compare ingredients in Sandoz levothyroxine versus ingredients in other brands, including the simvastatin I’m taking now. It appears that Sandoz may have bought out Lannett. We did find one ingredient in Mylan that isn’t in Sandoz. This ingredient is also in this brand of simvastatin. But the thing is that it also appears to have been in the last brand of statins I took that I had no problem with, and again, if either medication was responsible for my anxiety then why is it waiting mostly towards the middle of my day to get me and then back off the last few hours of my day? Sometimes I’m anxious early or late in my day but it’s usually centered around the middle of my day.

I cried for a few minutes yesterday, missing the old me but not my old life. I just wish I could go back to the days when my worst problem was noise or wanting something I couldn’t have.

I’d love to think it’s mostly about living here and that I’ll escape it when we move but I know that it’s just going to follow me no matter where we go. Besides, if it was connected to this house in any way or the area, why wait a year to get me?

I definitely had both problems yesterday morning because the planes were louder than usual. Even with the air cleaner running on high and sounds playing on my computer, I could still hear the rumbling. I don’t know if it has to do with the direction of the wind or what but it’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t ever expect to have a peaceful place to live but I know we can do better than this.

As I told Tom, yes, I’m nervous as well as excited about the move and all that but this never would have caused anxiety and affected me in this way in the past, and he pointed out that I wasn’t the same age when we moved before. He thinks most of it is still on my hormones and that they’re still changing but it still seems a little late in the game for that. I’m 50 fucking 5 for God’s sake!

Had more time to reflect on the Andy situation and I asked Tom his opinion. As always, he told me I had to do what I felt was best. But what would you do, I asked him. He said he would remain silent and that’s exactly what I was leaning toward. I think it’s better to miss the good times rather than invite more shit back into my life.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2021 I fucking hate February. Because hey, we don’t have to listen to the same old shit enough of the time as it is during the rest of the year, right? At least it’s the shortest month.

Ooh, this is interesting. Remembering that Andy was never very bright, I unblocked him to see if he’d unblocked me at some point over the last few years, knowing that he wouldn’t be smart enough to know there’s a way to block those who have blocked you. At least last I knew there was, but things often change on Facebook so I don’t know if this can still be done. Anyway, I found that he had indeed unblocked me but likely figured I deactivated my account. The question is why did he unblock me? Was he simply curious, intending to reblock me after he checked to see what he could see? Or did he plan to reach out to me?

I’m going to leave him unblocked for now. Part of me wants to reach out to him, but as much as I miss him and will always love him and consider him like family and cherish many funny memories, he is who he is and no one can change him. If he was still as judgmental, paranoid, and accusatory as he was in his fifties, then I think it’s safe to say that’s how he’s always going to be.

We do have a mutual friend, so we’ll see if he notices any of my comments on Norma’s posts and then reaches out to me. Besides, it was me who reached out to him in Auburn, so we’ll see if he makes the first move this time around if there is a this time around. As I said, I can tell him what irritates me but I can’t make him get it and I can’t make him change either. That would be like someone trying to convince me abortion is really murder and to get me to change my mind where that’s concerned. Not going to happen.

Ended up feeling slightly anxious for a few hours yesterday. Skipped the levothyroxine today but took my statin yesterday. So far so good but it’s early in my day so trouble could be ahead for me in a few hours. Right now I’m guessing the statin isn’t connected. It’s likely just a buildup of thyroid meds and wacky hormones.

Maybe part of the reason I don’t get breast exams is that I just don’t want to do all I can to live another 20-30 years. I mean to do what? The same old things? I know that may sound selfish, though, to allow myself to die and desert Tom. He may be a lot tougher than I am but I definitely wouldn’t want to leave him alone so if I’m destined to go first, I hope it isn’t it until it’s almost his time!

But if I knew I was going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, death would be oh-so-very appealing.

Stacey surprised me. Sent her a message telling her that we plan to put the house on the market and hopefully move to Florida soon. I wished her well and thanked her for her help (even if no one could ever help me permanently in the end) and she replied saying she was safe, doing well, and wished me the best and all that.

He got a call for a job. It would be a really bad time to work and may bring us less money than with him not working, but there’s still a slight fear of the government coming after the money because he retired. Anyway, it’s an inventory job in which he said he wouldn’t accept less than $20 an hour. He’ll call them back and hopefully not sound very interesting to them.

I just want to get the fuck out of here!

Later…

When I glanced at Andy’s current profile picture, I first thought it was in Connecticut. But then I noticed the address in the upper right corner. I ran it on Google Maps and found it’s in Cleveland, Ohio.

Ohio? What the hell would he be doing there? He never mentioned anyone in Ohio. He’s listed as still being single, so I doubt he met a guy that he followed there.

Against my better judgment (yeah, I’m stupid and too forgiving), I messaged him. But don’t worry. Don’t even think for a millisecond that I would ever take the termites back because I wouldn’t under any circumstances. Andy’s worst crime is saying mean and hurtful things, not turning my life upside down and inside out like the termite has. There’s no comparison. I would never in a million years forgive and allow the termites back into my life. So no worries there. Besides, it doesn’t mean he’s going to respond. For all I know he’ll turn around and re-block me but if he does, he does. He’s still what many would describe as toxic to a degree. He was very judgmental and just not very and empathetic and respectful in a lot of ways. He could be kind of selfish too, but we’ll just see what happens.

Later…

When it hit me that Andy must have simply been curious or else he would have emailed me if he wanted to talk to me, I sent him a second message saying that I would go ahead and block Facebook messages since I realized that if he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. Besides, we became so different over time and well, he is who he is while I am who I am and I really should respect his wishes. I wished him the best and assured him I would never forget him.

There is a slight chance that he lost my email address and he wouldn’t have the sophistication to hunt that information down. He’s never been the stalker-ish type so there’s no way he would do a paid search for info.

I do have a few Ohio visitors but I’m pretty sure I know who they are and I can’t believe he would still have my Prosebox link. He could have bookmarked it but somehow I doubt he did much less join the site just so he could read me. He would have commented by now if he did.

I loved that he was loyal and honest but he was overly judgmental and insensitive in many ways not to mention pushy at times and not very empathetic. What he would claim as his opinion was often him actually being incorrect. And there was the opposite-doing that got to me. It was like the more I would ask him not to do a particular thing like gross me out with pictures showing me how big of a dump he last took, he would do it more. What kind of a friend does that? Shouldn’t a friend want to do more of what their friend wants within reason? Obviously, I wouldn’t expect him to stand on his head all day but come on. Did he really ever think I would be interested in the size of his dumps?

His being judgmental and insisting I was bullshitting him about this and that, particularly my sleep disorder, was the most frustrating and hurtful but his blatant lack of empathy could be as well. It’s like he was both empathetic and not. He feels horrible for the way blacks were slaves in the past and for those homeless in the cold, yet when Robin Williams goes and kills himself he’s just a spoiled selfish person who “threw it all away?” And when his best friend is sick for a little too long, that’s a problem too?

This is the kind of shit I just don’t need in my life. If you can’t take me at face value when I’ve never given you a reason to doubt me in the past and you run out of patience with how long I’m suffering, that tells me something about you.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2021 Yesterday went from good to bad to good. I’ve only been up a little over four hours and so far, so good today but I don’t know what I could be in for a few hours from now. I just don’t understand why I’m having such an anxious spell lately! Many reports I’ve read suggest this won’t last into old age along with the fact that this is the most common age group for anxiety as the hormones and brain chemistry change. Kim says she’s been getting it for the last year which would put her around 50. Mine started at 48. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and I think of the things I had to deal with for years that eventually fizzled out but knowing there are no guarantees makes it hard. Maybe this really is the older side of me. The new me since 2014 that will be a part of my life for as long as I live. That could mean suffering on and off for as much as 30 years by the time I die. Logically it doesn’t seem likely but I just don’t want to get my hopes up either.

I took my levothyroxine today but yesterday I skipped the statin just in case there’s something about this brand that triggered it. I’ll take it towards the end of the day and see how I do. The only thing that doesn’t make sense about it being the statin is why it would wait until a few hours or more into the next day to get me. I’m still guessing the original poison just built up a bit too much in my system. Or maybe it was an age thing. I guess I’ll never know for sure. They also say that just having low thyroid can make you anxious but it had to have been low for years before I was diagnosed yet I didn’t have this then. So the best thing it could be would be related to going into menopause because eventually, things will change. The worst thing is the medication because I’m always going to need it. That much will never change.

Tom went to Rite Aid yesterday to pick up his blood pressure medicine and might have been around a “carnivore.” He didn’t get within six feet of them but he heard them ask if they did COVID-19 testing there. Well, why would you ask that if you didn’t think you had the virus? He washed his hands immediately after he got home. I never had a feeling about us getting it and getting seriously ill much less killed by it.

I had a series of dreams last night but I don’t remember enough about them other than to say we were flying somewhere in one of them. I don’t know where we were going. So that’s flying dream number two that I know of even though it’s too soon to say that we will fly for sure or that we won’t.

Due to where my schedule is at, we decided the second week of March is going to be when we reach out to a realtor. At the end of this month, we will rehome the pigs. I was a little annoyed with Tom because we were supposed to do that now but he’s really fallen in love with them and wants to keep them for a couple more weeks. A part of me will miss them as well but for the most part, they’re just smelly eating machines that are a lot of work and money. I’m going to feel worse for Tom than for myself.

His back is still horrible but slowly improving. He did some paint touch-ups in the kitchen while I slept and it looks great. He says we still have plenty of yellow paint and it’s still in good condition.

[altcvnningham]

1, 3, 5, 15, 18 and 20 😳😳😳😳

thank you for the ask!!! (also superior url omg 👁👄👁🤲🏻)

also my answers here are suuuuper long, because i’m a rambling idiot who’s way too involved in my OC’s. so uhhhh sorry in advance,,,,,

1. what radio station(s) do you listen to?

Vana’s a Samurai stan. She wishes she wasn’t. But, y’know, Morro Rock it is. Once upon a time when she was an even angrier teen, though, she’d listen to shit just like Ritual FM.

(My music taste is all over the place, and though blues is technically my fav bc i love old music, i never listen to it in 2077. So I switch between Body Heat, the Dirge, Vexelstrom for like 2 songs, and ofc, Morro Rock. But of all stations, there’s at least one song that i HATE so I can never stick to one for a whole ride sknsksjsjs)

i think i got the names right?? Idk yall i dont have it in front of me ndndndndhjs

3. how did you feel about Johnny that first night in the apartment, and how does it differ from what you feel now after everything?

so i’m gonna cut a read-more here because i decided to just lore dump Vana x Johnny here so uhhhhhh rip also //SPOILERS//

Vana is an extremely, seriously private, guarded person. Before Johnny, Panam, Kerry- Jackie was the only person she’d ever truly let near her, to get to know her. So obviously waking up to someone else living inside her fucking head was one of the worst things that’s ever happened to her. Her past is also something she’s not particularly proud of, so Johnny getting to witness all that is traumatising. Getting Johnny out of her head was priority number one, even if digging the chip out would kill her.

But after getting fucked over by the VBs, and both of them thinking she was gonna die, Johnny takes her to that abandoned hotel in Pacifica- it’s the first time he’s given her even a sliver of kindness, and the first time she’s ever openly expressed her fears to him, even if he could already sense them before. Oaths and promises are something she holds to incredibly high importance, so obviously when Johnny gives her his dog-tags, ‘proof of my promise’, she never, ever lets them go, never takes them off. (she still doesn’t. they keep her grounded. holding them to calm herself has become a reflex, for whatever reason.)

Everything just seemed to slowly change after that. For two people who hate vulnerability, it’s the only thing that helped them actually see each other. As the Relic continues to take over, they both understand each other more, feel each other more- and eventually it becomes hard to discern where Vana ends and Johnny begins. In cliché Johnny x V fashion like yeah duh it goes further,,,, cockwhore!Vana,,,,,, but with that they also start to become extremely possessive and jealous over one another- Johnny immediately on the defensive about whoever comes close to her, Vana selfishly hiding and keeping Johnny’s existence to herself, even if it slows the hunt for a remedy to the chip- to the point of seriously toxic co-dependency. It’s full of volatile ups-and-downs, fights and make-ups, and Vana almost comes to like the fact that she never has to explain nor hide what thoughts and feelings pass through her mind, no matter how dark or vulnerable. She prefers most things to remain unsaid, but values the fact that they both have a clear, transparent understanding of each other regardless.

But there's also... softer moments. When Johnny puts aside his ego for once, he learns to like the quiet that Vana does, brief as it can be sometimes. He'll sort of just... stay around the room, even if just to procrastinate retreating back into her head, because they realise they like each other's silent, wordless company. He'll wake her up from nightmares, hold her neck and kiss her back to sleep, or until the sun comes up, if she can't. It's all tender things they often pretend doesn't even happen, out of pride, I think, but they both know deep down that those are really the best parts.

Comes to a place where she suddenly hits a wall, and realises, I don’t want him to leave.

She’s never the same again after Mikoshi.

(But uhh anyway fuck V I’m horny on main for Keanu so i was here for the whole riiiiiide yeeeeeee)

5. how do your loved ones (LI, found family, etc) feel about you being a merc? or if you’ve given up the life now that everything’s finished, what was their reaction?

Vana grew up in a rich corp family, and after all the shit she’s endured just to appease her father, don’t think anyone could hate corps more than she does (some details of her past here!!) So when Arasaka kicks her out and Jackie finally convinces her to start merc work, it’s amazing how quickly she slips into the role, almost like she was made for it- an anonymous face within the city, free to roam and drift as she wants, relying on herself and herself only.

Vana works quickly and quietly enough (though not at all with clean hands), relying on stealth and netrunning, so she doesn’t cause too much of a noise that’d have her loved ones (rare as they are) all too concerned. Judy isn’t scared Vana’d be caught in gunfire, because when Vana works, her targets rarely know she’s even there. She’s smart, cunning. Panam appreciates that these skills have helped her out, so she can’t complain. River- who is unfortunately more fond of Vana than she is of him, given that she’s not too comfortable at accepting affection- isn’t too happy about the life she leads, but hey, it’s her skills as a merc and as one of NC’s most adept netrunners that he even stood a chance of finding Randy as quick as he did, so he feels indebted to her for that. Kerry thinks it’s fuckin awesome that she gets to do as she wants and provides for herself, bestieeees

Given she isn’t all that close with many people- keeping her distance and all- the only people who seriously worry about her are folks like Vik, Misty, and Mama Welles, especially the latter two, who knew how much Jackie meant to her, and how easily she cracks under the weight of grief. The only thing, really, that concerns everybody around her, is how insatiable her bloodlust becomes, and how much she'd throw away just to try and quell it.

Johnny’s just in it for the ride. Rather she work for herself than a filthy corp, anyway.

After Mikoshi, losing Johnny, making it to the major leagues, she fuckin... just doesn't care anymore. She hates the big glass house that was practically forced onto her (reminds her too much of her stifling corp childhood), she hates that she has 20 cars that clog up her garage and not just her trusty red Yaiba Kusanagi, hates that folks keep giving her all this shiny golden shit that she doesn't want, like any of it's worth a damn. Since then she's hardly in one place- never at home if she can help it, and either wanders aimlessly around the streets and crashes over at Kerry's to sleep through grief. It isn't the merc life she wants to leave, but major leagues turned out to be a glittering pile of dogshit she wants no part in. She only really stays there because Jackie would've wanted it.

(i’m a lazy bitch like i don’t wanna be a merc. i wanna be one of those cute npc’s with the glowy earrings and bunny backpacks and skimpy plastic skirts, who picks up noodles on the way home to go watch watson whore. in my ideal life i am NOT the main character snnsmsnsks)

15. which NPC is your bff?

Kerry. Kerry is Vana’s ride or die. No fucking questions asked. Kerry’s the only person (besides Johnny, i guess) as close to her as Jackie was. He’s really the only person that ever gets her to smile, like really, stupidly, goofily smile, and despite being almost complete opposites, they just understand each other so well. Whenever they need something, they're the first person they'll call. Happens so often that just as Vana sifts through her contacts to find his, Kerry's already calling for her first. They're practically joint at the hip.

They both live loud, fast lives, but also know how to make time for silence and introspection, something they both need to stay grounded. Vana doesn't buy into his zen-wellness-yoga crap, but sure, she tries copying a couple moves while he's doing it on a lazy afternoon, before scoffing how this is fuckin' dumb and retreats back to the couch. Also, as much as she hates being reminded of the wealth that came with her corpo upbringing, she loves using up all his expensive products, and tends to klep a bottle of his shampoo when she runs out. Cute how she thinks he doesn't notice.

After what happened in Mikoshi, she practically lives at Kerry's place, just dozing away miserably as he lounges by the pool, or curl up on the couch to mindlessly watch his old Samurai tapes (he doesn't like it much, but if it helps her through whatever shit she's going through, he's not gonna take that away from her). On better days, when she actually pulls herself out of bed, he teaches her to play guitar, slipping in a couple tricks Johnny taught him. Funnily enough, the whole thing helps him find some closure too.

( me,, I need a girl like Panam in my life to endorse all of my stupid ideas )

18. what’s your dream cyberware (either something that was shown in lore that wasn’t available in game or mental creation of your own)?

I don’t have access to the tabletop lore stuff rn so i’m gonna pull this out my ass jsjsns

Anything that helps Vana become more deadly at stealth and netrunning. The most eddies she’s ever blown are on increasingly powerful cyberdecks, cooling systems, netrunning gear she can comfortably slip on under a jacket and boots- she likes convenience and functionality, but she needs it to be comfortable, too. She’d fucking kill for anything that lets her scale silently up walls and across ceilings, though- like a spider- and anything that lets her get her hands reeeeal bloody, but quietly. Guess that’s just called a knife, though.

(Me?? Fuck uhhh man i just want synth-skin that looks normal but also shimmers all pink n cute. Literally wanna be an edward cullen sparkly lookin mf. Also, i’m sorry but scanning shit w Kiroshi’s are so dope that’s literally all i want?? Idk i’m boring and mantis blades freak me out uhh)

20. is there anyone you’re crushing on that’s unavailable? (yes this is the “what romance option(s) are you foaming at the mouth for” question)

Answered here :)

(And i’ll say it again, PLACIIIIIIIDE,)

[mfingenius]

Roadtrip AU

“Damianos, this is the worst idea you’ve ever had.” Nikandros deadpans.

“You said that about Jokaste,” Damen observes mildly.

“Remind me how that turned out?” Nik asks, unimpressed, with a raised eyebrow.

Jokaste cheated on Damen with his brother.

Maybe he shouldn’t have used that example.

“Look, this is not a bad idea.” Damen says, lifting his suitcase to put in the trunk of his car. “I’m... helping someone.”

“You don’t know him from anything. All you know is that he said he needs to get to his brother’s house. You don’t even know if that’s true” Nik says. “He could be a murderer.”

Damen looks at him, disbelievingly. “Have you seen him? He’s tiny.”

“I’m not tiny.” The petulant, condescending voice says, and Damen looks back at his road trip companion. Laurent – or so he said his name was – is small, pretty, blonde, and exactly Damen’s type. He’s also anxious, and jumpy, and something about the way he’d asked made

Damen say yes when he’d asked him to get him to Delpha. “You’re just a giant animal.”

Nikandros thinks Damen is thinking with his cock and is hoping to fuck Laurent somewhere on their way to Delpha, but, for once, Damen has no interest in fucking a blonde; not because Laurent isn’t attractive – because he is, so fucking attractive that Damen wants to cry – but because he doesn’t think that Laurent – small, narrow, helpless Laurent – would ask him for help – a man easily three times as wide as him and several heads taller – if he had another choice available.

He’ll get him to Delpha, whatever it is that happens.

“Right,” Damen says. Nikandros shoots him a look like he wants to murder Laurent. He might. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.” Laurent says, shifting quietly.

That’s something else that makes Damen think that Laurent needs help; he has no luggage with him. He has no clothes, no money, no personal belongings. He’s dressed well – in fine, elegant clothes, covering most of his skin – which means that he’s most likely not poor, but Damen can’t figure out why he wouldn’t have anything with him if he weren’t.

“Alright,” Damen shuts the trunk. “Let’s go.”

“Text me when you get to Delpha,” Nikandros says, eyeing Laurent warily. “To let me know you’re not dead.”

Laurent flips him off, and Nikandros makes a crude gesture in response. Him and Damen both watch as Laurent’s shiny blonde hair disappears into the car.

Laurent isn’t exactly a friendly person, but Damen has never met anyone he can’t make friends with; he’s sociable in that way, generally optimistic and friendly in a way that always makes people like him. He’s sure it’ll be the same with Laurent.

“I’ll see you,” Damen says, hugging his best friend briefly. Nik claps his back and hugs back for a moment, before they part and Damen gets into the car.

The first twenty minutes of driving are spent in painful silence.

“Music?” he asks, finally, reaching to turn on the radio.

“No.” Laurent says.

Damen drops his hand, eyeing Laurent warily. Right, he thinks. This might be more difficult than expected.

“Why are you headed to Delpha?” Damen asks, during one of their food stops. He bought Laurent a chocolate bar because he doesn’t think the blond has money, and he’s thin enough that Damen’s mother would be shoving food into his face the second he stepped through the door.

“My brother is there,” Laurent says stiffly. He’s looking down at the chocolate bar warily, like it might bite him, and Damen doesn’t push him to eat it; they don’t know each other, and Laurent doesn’t trust him. “I told you.”

Damen nods. He's eating a cheeseburger – he offered to buy one for Laurent, but Laurent refused, and Damen didn’t want to appear too pushy – and fries, and he eats in silence for a while before he hears a wrapper being opened.

He smiles discreetly, watching out of the corner of his eye as Laurent takes a tiny bite of the chocolate. Damen doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s eaten, but his entire face relaxes at the taste of food.

“And you?” Laurent asks. The question sounds awkward and forced, but at least he’s trying, so Damen pretends not to hear it.

“My brother is getting married.” Damen tells him.

“Are you best man?” Laurent asks, after a bit.

“No,” Damen says. “We don’t have the best relationship anymore.”

Laurent doesn’t ask why, and they spend the rest of the meal in silence.

*

After they’re back in the car, Laurent allows him to turn on the radio. Damen nearly sings in relief when a song begins playing. The silence was suffocating, and all attempts of conversation seemed to be useless.

In the morning, Damen wakes up with Laurent watching him; they’re staying in a hotel room Damen payed for. Damen had taken the couch, and though Laurent is usually awake before Damen is, Damen’s never found him just sitting there, staring at him.

“You haven’t asked me to have sex with you.” Laurent says bluntly.

Damen’s brain takes a minute to react.

“I don’t expect sex from you.” Damen says honestly, frowning.

Laurent watches him for two full minutes before he speaks.

“You’re telling the truth.” He seems bewildered.

“Laurent, I don’t know how old you are, but I don’t even think you’re eighteen.” Damen says. “And when I agreed to take you to Delpha, I agreed to get you there without anything happening to you.”

“I’m seventeen.” Laurent says. He seems surprised at himself that he’s said it. He continues carefully, as if tasting the words in his mouth before saying them. “You’re not much older than me though. And I told you I couldn’t pay you. Why else would you let me come along?”

He’s right, Damen’s not much older. He's only eighteen, and though it wouldn’t be immoral because of his age, it would be immoral because of multiple other reasons, included but not limited to the fact that Laurent doesn’t want to have sex with him; he only thinks he needs to do it so Damen won’t leave him stranded somewhere, and that’s not consent.

“I’m on my way to Ios.” Damen shrugs. He’d only been in Arles because Jokaste’s veil hadn’t been sent out, and Damen had been appointed to pick it up from the store in Arles. Nik, although not invited to the wedding, had accompanied him, since he’d been bored to death with their summer Vacation. “I have to pass by Delpha. It’s no trouble leaving you there.”

“You bought me food.” Laurent accuses. “You let me sleep in the bed.”

“You don’t have any money.” Damen says. “Arles to Delpha is a three day trip. You can’t go three days without eating.”

“I can.” Laurent says. He sounds certain of it, and Damen doesn’t want to know if that’s because he has.

“Well, you’re not going to.” He says resolutely. He stands and stretches. “Do you want the shower first, or can I?”

Laurent gestures for him to go ahead, and Damen walks to the bathroom.

*

“I am trying to get to my brother.” Laurent says. Damen is surprised by his voice, and by the fact that he just initiated conversation. He merely nods, in fear of saying something that will scare Laurent into permanent silence again. Laurent’s wringing his hands in his lap, and Damen looks at them for a moment before looking back at the road. They’re still on the second day of their trip, and it’s still early morning. He's getting hungry by now, mostly because he’s always hungry; he can stand it for a few more hours, though. “I’m - he’s studying medicine. In Delpha.”

“That’s impressive.” Damen says. Delpha’s Med School is one of the toughest programs to get into, he knows, and not just anyone accomplishes it.

Laurent nods slightly. “I - was living with my uncle. He’s - not nice. I couldn’t stay with him any longer.”

Damen’s sight zeroes in on the bruises at Laurent’s wrists, on his neck. His clothes are arranged differently than the day before, which makes the marks visible, and Damen doesn’t think it’s an accident. Laurent didn’t think he’d believe him, so he provided proof.

“And your brother left you there?” Damen asks, furious. He doesn’t get along with Kastor, but he likes to think that, were he in trouble, Kastor would behave like a proper older brother.

Laurent seems surprised at the emotion in his voice. “No. He doesn’t know. He – our parents died the summer before he began. He was eighteen, and I was six. He wasn’t going to go to college to take care of me but – Uncle and I convinced him to go, told him he’d take care of me and that Auguste could visit whenever he wanted. He’s still doing residency there, and we speak on the phone often, but I – never told him. Anything.”

Damen is quiet for a while, and Laurent seems to give himself a final push to finish his probably carefully-prepared monologue.

“I’m only telling you this because you’ve been very helpful.” He says. “And I don’t want you to think I'm not grateful.”

“I’m glad you’re getting away,” Damen says, honestly. “And if your uncle ever gives you trouble again, you can call me.”

Laurent gives him a rare, tense smile. “I don’t think you could do much. He's a very powerful man, with a lot of money.”

Damen smiles guiltily. “I rather doubt he’s more powerful than me.”

“What are you, then?” Laurent looks at him curiously. “A king?”

Damen snorts. “Just filthy rich. With a lot of political connections.”

“I think it’d be interesting to see how he’d react to you.” He says, seemingly deep in thought. “He doesn’t like people who aren’t easily intimidated or bought.”

“Well, I'm neither.” Damen says. “So you can count on me for help, anytime.”

Laurent hums.

*

“She was my fiancée.” Damen blurts, a long time later. He wants to show Laurent that he appreciated his honesty with honesty of his own.

“What?” Laurent asks.

“The woman my brother is marrying.” Damen says, realizing he wasn’t very clear. “She was my fiancée, and she cheated on me with him.”

Laurent looks at him with disgust clear on his face. “Why are you going to their wedding? That's a crappy fiancée, and a very crappy brother.”

“Yeah.” Damen says after a pause. “I don’t know. I guess I just – everyone expects me to be there. They think it doesn’t bother me anymore, and – well, it doesn’t. It’s still... weird, though. I don’t know.”

“I don’t think it could ever not be weird.” Laurent says. There's a moment of silence, and then, “Have either of them apologized?”

“No,” Damen says. “I didn’t talk to them for a while, and after that everyone sort of pretended nothing had happened.”

“Fuck, that’s shit.” Laurent says. The curse words sound odd in his mouth, out of place. Still, Damen has to agree with the sentiment. “I vote you ditch the wedding.”

“I’m supposed to get her veil there.” Damen tells him, and Laurent blinks at him disbelievingly.

“They asked you to get her veil?” He demands, and the irritation in his voice is both funny and somewhat touching.

“Yeah.” Damen says.

“Dump them both.” Laurent says.

Damen laughs.

*

It’s a lot easier to get closer to Laurent after that particular conversation. They spend a lot of time talking, and Damen finds himself thoroughly invested in everything Laurent says. He's enthralling.

Which is why, when they finally get to Delpha – and, more specifically, to Laurent’s brother’s apartment – he doesn’t know what to say.

“Here’s my phone number.” he says, extending a slip of paper with his number on it. “In case your uncle gives you trouble again. Or you can’t find your brother. Or anything really. Or – even if nothing happens, you could-”

Laurent kisses his cheek, effectively silencing him.

“Thank you, Damianos.” he says, fondly. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think your brother deserves you.”

“I don’t think anyone deserves you,” Damen says vehemently, a little too honest.

Laurent laughs and Damen falls a little bit in love with the way it makes his eyes sparkle.

“Auguste does.” Laurent assures him. He bites on his lower lip, and then says, “You could... stay, if you wanted.”

“What?” Damen asks.

“You don’t have to go to the wedding,” Laurent says. “And I – would like it - I would – you have done – a lot for me, and I could – you could stay here, for a while.”

Damen thinks that that’s the best idea he’s ever heard.

“I - Alright,” he says, nodding dumbly.

He texts Nikandros that he’s not going to the wedding, and spends the rest of the afternoon watching movies with Laurent and his brother – who seems confused as to why his little brother is there and why he is with an Akielon, though he doesn’t mention it – and ignoring Jokaste’s and Kastor’s calls. It's the best time he’s had in a long time.

--------------------------------------------------------

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[ohtheseboysilove]

The Devil with angelic eyes [Roger Taylor x F!Reader]

Words : 2, 200 K +

Warnings : mention of smut, language, age gape

Summary : Roger tell the band about a girl he shagged. Turned out he shouldn’t have.

Note : omg guys i don’t know what happened with this request but it is way more different that what I planned to do at the beginning....anyway I love this request and there will be obviously a second part to respect the request! I hope you all enjoy this one, it doesn’t make any sense but it was supert funny to write !

Please tell me what you think my loves xx

🌼Request are open🌼☀ Masterlist ☀

“Dear god, Roger, you look terrible” Freddie commented as his friend passed the door of the studio, looking like hell.

The blond grunted annoyingly and poured himself a hot cup of dark coffee, ignoring his bandmates.

“Who keep you awake all night this time ? Shelly ? Or was it Lola ?” John pipped in, seating criss-cross on the sofa, a mocking smile on his face. “Must be exhausting to have so many girlfriends”

“And only one cock” Added Fred with pout. “I read an article about a man having two cocks, lucky bastard”

Brian looked at the singer horrified and shook his head.

“Freddie, it not possible. Even, if he do have two penis, there no chance he can use them both” His scientific side couldn’t stay quiet hearing this absurdity. “It’s useless like people who are born with six fingers”

“I would make good use of an extra finger, trust me” Freddie chirped and threw a smile to Deaky, the only one to laugh at his joke. Brian closed his eyes with a grimace and busied himself with his cup of tea. “But that wasn’t the conversation, Roger, darling, who is this little creature who don’t let you sleep at night ?”

“Don’t want to talk about her” Roger spat and fell in the chair, massaging his temples. “She is the fucking devil”

“You said the magic word, I need more details now !” Freddie brought his chair closer and looked expectingly at his friend. “Does this delicious woman have a name ?”

“Honey” The blond replied, chewing his bottom lip at the thought of the delicious girl.

“Honey ? That can’t be her real name !” Brian gasped. “Which parents would call–“

“I know very well it’s not her name, twat” Roger bit back, annoyed by Brian’s useless comment. “But I don’t give a damn about that, honey is more than fine with me”

“She sound like a little cock teaser. I have this feeling. Am I wrong ?” Freddie asked with an arched eyebrow. His curious smile turned into a smirk as Roger blushed, clearly a bit upset. “Oh she is, she totally is ! I like her even more !” He clapped his hands happily and the blond rolled his eyes.

“She is the worst okay ? Never a girl make me crawl so hard to have her” The drummer confessed, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

“Roger Meddows Taylor, crawling for a girl ? Unbelievable” John snickered and earned a death glare from his friend. “Well, did she was worth it at least ? You looked pretty exhausted, must be a good night”

The blond pinched his lips into a line, irritation bubbling in his blood.

“I still didn’t fuck her” He confessed, cheeks red with frustration.

“Seriously ? But you met her last month ? And you seeing her almost every night !” Brian asked with furrowed eyebrows, rather surprise of the grip the woman had on his friend.

“I fucking know that ! It had been six weeks and she did nothing else but tease me ! Sucking my cock then stop right before I cum ! She is...I can’t explain, she is so hot, everything about her is fucking erotic, I want to fuck her so badly, it’s painful” Roger whined, head dropped on the back of the chair, sharing his desperation with his bandmates.

“Hell, even me I want to shag her” Freddie said, lighting a cigarette, pressing Roger to continue to speak about this girl. “Tell us more, what she looks like ? What she do to make you so crazy for six fucking weeks ?”

Brian and John, both were married but couldn’t say no to hear about the beautiful girl torturing the infernal blond.

“She got the dirtiest mouth I ever heard, I swear everything she said is filthy, making me hard every fucking time she whispered in my ear. And she do the best deep-throat blowjob, without any gagging. Must be fucking experienced because she clearly know how to use her tongue around me” Freddie hummed appreciatively and John and Brian’s cheeks were slightly flushed, eager to know more about this – apparently – perfect woman. “Fucking beautiful tits too, she got a piercing on her right nipple and it’s bloody hot, always poking under her top, naughty girl never wear a single bra in her life I’m sure” He stole Freddie’s cigarette and took a deep puff, smirking at his friends, very attentive to each of his word. “Well, well, well, no smartass comment to make Brian ? John ? Look at these flushed faces”

“Oh come on, we are married, fantasy is all we got now” Brian grunted and rolled his eyes. “Help a friend in distress with his wife” Freddie giggled loudly.

“I’m perfectly happy in my marriage” John shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh yeah ? So you don’t want to hear about Honey’s pretty little cunt ?” Roger teased, tilting his head on the side to see his friend swallowed with difficulty. He stayed silent and motioned him to continue. “That what I thought too. So the sweet honey got an ever sweeter pussy, pink and a delicious juice. And fuck, she do the more erotic little moans, very vocal and not shy at all” He sighed loudly, chewing the inside of his cheek at the memories of the girl kneeling in front of him, does-eyes but with a devilish smile.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Roger, did you found the goddess of sex or what ? Never heard you praised a girl that much. Without even fucking her yet !” The singer smirk rather impressed, this girl was certainly something, turning Roger into lost puppy wasn’t an easy task.

“Aphrodite” The guitarist said with sweaty hands. Freddie glanced at him, wondering what this was about. “The Greek goddess of sex and beauty is Aphrodite”

“You also have Hedone, goddess of the pleasure, seems to match too” John added with an amused smile.

“Roger, you have to shag this girl” Freddie said in a serious tone and the two other nodded.

“I will, don’t worry” He smirked with confidence.

“By the way, how old she is ? Must be younger to be so wild” Deaky wondered as he gave to all his bandmates a paper with lyrics for a new song he wrote.

Roger cleared his voice, embarrassment flushing his face. “twenty-one” He replied and immediately a stream of disgusting noises followed.

“For god’ sake Rog ! You’re forty-two years old !” Brian scoffed with a grimace. “You’re a pig”

“She could be your daughter” John commented, his lips pinched in a thin line.

“Well she is fucking not ! And you weren’t complaining five minutes ago” Roger grunted as he crossed his arms, vexed. “She’s hot okay ? And she’s the one who start hitting on me, she can be very persuasive, trust me”

“Age is just a number my darlings, let Roger have his fun, just don’t knocked her up, you would ruin her young life” Freddie relaxed the atmosphere, even more amused by the scandalously young age of the girl. “Let’s go to work now, we already way behind schedule boys.

**

Two weeks later, Roger bursted into the studio, wearing a giant smirk.

“I did it ! I fucking did it ! I finally shag honey and she bloody squirted !” He yelled in a victorious tone, earning a round of applause from Freddie.

“Well done darling, but that not really the moment. Our darling Brian is having a bit of an existence crisis right now” Roger lose his smile and came to sit next to his best friend, furrowed his brows in worry.

“What’s going on ? Chrissie and the kids are okay ?”

“Yes” Brian mumbled. “Do you remember Maddy ? The groupie when we where still in Smile ?”

“The one who get an abortion ? ‘f course I remember her. She gave us a hell of fear” Roger chuckled bitterly.

“Well, guess what ? She never had the abortion, she kept the baby” The guitarist dropped the bomb as Roger’s eyes widened with shock. “She contacted me few days ago, claiming I have a twenties something daughter who want to meet her dad” He hid his head in his hands, sighing deeply.

“Are you sure it’s yours ?” John questioned. They were rich and famous, the best target for good money.

“We did a blood test and she wasn’t lying, I have a daughter that I never fucking met in my life. I just spoke to hear on the phone, she seems sweet, I invited her this afternoon, was too fucking afraid to meet her all by myself”

The boys spent the ten next minutes trying to cheer up Brian, it wasn’t his fault after all. And the girl wanted to meet him, she probably wasn’t too upset about the situation. Then Freddie’s voice echoed in the studio, making everyone eyes popped up from their heads.

“Roger, am I dreaming or you spent to much time handcuffed to the bed yesterday ?” The blond reddened furiously. “Look at these poor bruised wrists !” Freddie pushed his sleeves to expose the purple flesh of the drummer, giggling hysterically.

“Oh my– did she spank you too because you were a naughty boy ?” John snorted loudly as the blond bit his bottom lip, hiding back his wrists. “I’m sure she did. Hundred percent sure” He added more seriously then bursted in laugher with Roger’s silent agreement and death glare.

The three friends giggled like kids, almost peeing themselves at the flushing face of the blond. He shifted in his sit and involuntary grimaced at the soreness of his ass cheeks, making his bandmate cried, real tears rolling down their features.

“God, I need more details, please do darling” Freddie wiped his teary eyes, his chest still shaking with laugher slowly dying but he was practically panting.

“You said it wasn’t the moment with Brian” Roger hissed, sliding his sunglasses on his nose.

“I want to hear the story too, I need to clear my mind anyway” The guitarist smirked and every gazes fell on the blond, making him sighed.

“It was fucking good” Roger blurbed out, his tongue absent-mindedly licking his parted lips. “She is fucking wild I swear, she handcuffed me to the bed, I was bloody naked and she was wearing this tiny little red strappy bustier, barely covering anything, her breasts was outflanked, was a beautiful sight” The blond scratch his red neck. “She teased me for fucking ages, rubbing her soaked pussy against my face but I couldn’t even fucking taste” He groaned, annoyed at the memory.

“Why not ?” Freddie arched a brow then gasped excitedly. “ Oh! What did she use ? Bone gag ? Ball gag ?”

“Just a pair of panties” Roger replied, all of them looking at Fred like he was coming from another planet.

“Oh don’t be such bore darlings, bondages is fun, you should try. Especially you Brian” The curly brunette gasped a surprise me? “Yes, maybe Chrissie would like it” He winked and Brian swallowed nervously.

“Right, if you want to try Brian, I can ask Honey where she buy all of her stuffs, she has a box full of toys and some scary stuffs too. Was rather surprise, she can look so angelic when she want” He shook his head with a chuckle. “I also have a blindfold at the beginning but I didn’t like at all, so she nicely accepted to take it off”

“And she punished you for that ?” John pipped with a smirk.

“Hell yes. Nipple clamps with chains but I thought it was for her, was bloody excited but she put them on me, dear god, it’s painful ! But good too, they do the trick I guess”

Brian and Deaky grimaced at the thought of the pain but Freddie didn’t seemed too interested, shrugging simply.

“Are you sure you fucked her ? Because all of that sound more like she fucked you darling”

“I know ! She rode me first, bloody good pussy she got there, thigh and her moves...jesus the woman is insatiable, shoving my dick in her mouth like it was a fucking treat” Freddie hummed in amusement, his friend seemed like he had the time of his life last night. “We fucked literally all night, testing her weird accessories and food fantasies, pretty good actually. But when she finally let me lead, I wrecked her” Roger smirked with satisfaction. “Tugging on her hairs until her back arched completely, cuming on these perfect tits of her, she even let me take her by both of her hole and bloody hell, I wished I had another dick yesterday, could have been useful to satisfy this voracious little slut. She begged and cried until I completely ruined her” His was was drooling with pride.

“Okay too much details Roger” John grimaced with flushed pink, his fingers scratching his chin awkwardly. 

Roger and Freddie never had any problem to share the details of their sex life with everyone but Deaky wasn’t really like that. Brian was in the middle, depending of his mood, the girl he shagged and the situation.

“Coming from the man who wrote a bloody song about cuming too fast, it’s pretty funny” Roger immediately shot back, knowing that this argument always worked.

Deaky rolled his eyes and showed him his middle finger, bored that they still teased him about his song Misfire, years after he wrote it.

“Are you gonna see this girl again ?” Brian asked to close the argument between his two bandmates.

“Hell yes, she is probably the best lay I had in years, she definitively know what she does and she fucking flexible, that drive me crazy” The drummer bit his bottom lip, smirking as Brian scoffed, remembering him she was bloody young but if Roger was a bit awkward at first about her age, now that she saw what she was capable of doing, he didn’t care anymore.

Freddie was about to make a comment when a soft knock echoed in the room and Brian immediately stood up, knowing it was probably his unknown daughter. He exited the room and spoke with her for several minutes outside as Freddie, Roger and Deaky waited nervously, hoping everything was going fine for their friend.

The door opened again and a flushed and smiling Brian appeared, followed by a smallest person, hiding behind him.

“Guys, this is my daughter (Y/N). (Y/N), this is John, Freddie and Roger”

The girl was wearing a little white dress, her hairs sweetly put into two plates attached at the back of her head, letting the rest of her hairs falling loosely. She had big doe eyes, looking absolutely adorable. A perfect little angel.

The drummer stopped breathing as soon as his gaze fell on the girl, his face turning livid at the realisation. (Y/N) smiled timidly to everyone, tucking her hairs behind her ear but Roger didn’t miss the discrete wink she sent him.

Honey and (Y/N) May was the same person. She was Brian’s daughter. Roger fucked his daughter’s best friend and gave him all the bloody details. 

**

permanent tag list : @jennyggggrrr

[dyingswanpavlova]

“We don’t have to” Part 1 || REDDIE [Richie Tozier x Eddie Kaspbrak]

Pairings: Stan x female!Reader, Richie x Eddie

Author’s note: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I present you my first ever m x m fanfic, so please please don’t be too harsh on me. I saw It Chapter 2 on Saturday and my heart is aching so bad for what happened to Stan and Eddie (it’s not like I’ve read the book before and stuff but still). Also English isn’t my first language and since I haven’t really been writing anything at all for the last 1-2 years because of the lack of motivation caused by depression - blah, what I was trying to say: don’t hate me, if this turns out to be shitty. Love you!

Plot: Some years after the Losers Club split, they find themselves reunited for a beautiful occasion: the wedding day of Stan x Reader [also this will be a spin-off oneshot or fanfiction I’m currently working on, this one focuses more on Reddie]. The night before the big day, all of you are having a good time, drinking and eventually playing Truth or Dare like you did in the good old days. Everything seems to be fine, until you dare Richie to do something that might have questionable consequences...

_______________________________________________

“I don’t understand you people. Bacardi is fucking disgusting.”

“You wanna know what’s disgusting?”

“Richie, if you even dare to only take my mother’s name in your mouth, I will fucking end-”

Right before you could finish your sentence, you felt someone softly grabbing your shoulder. To your relief, it was Stan. You felt how you melted under the gentle touch of his hand. Almost ten years together and he still made you gasp with only a touch.

“Trust me, Richie. This girl here does not banter when it comes to her Mama.”

Everyone shared a laugh until you heard the bottles cracking on the table. Ben immediately started filling everyone’s cups up, with no protest allowed. You leaned back and placed your hand on Stan’s hand. You could hear him smile.

“Okay. Now give me the empty one, please”, Beverly ordered and Ben handed it over to her, so quickly that he almost tripped over his feet. She smiled at him and asked him to take his place down next to her. He smiled back at her. These people were some serious goofs. But they were your goofs.

“This might be fun.” Beverly chuckled before spinning the bottle for the first round. Everyone heard Eddie groaning and everyone ignored it, except for Eddie who made a filthy comment about “jizzing” in “one’s pants”.

“Might be seems very common. I hate this game”, Mike moaned and gave Beverly a death glare, right before the bottle stopped to point right at him. Everyone laughed hysterically except for Mike. He smiled shyly and much less confident.

“Okay, Mikey-boy. Truth or dare?”

Mike rolled his eyes back and then lowered his view to the least. “Truth, I guess.”

“Oh-oh, can I, can I?”, Bill asked, suddenly fully attentive. Usually, Bill was the calmer one of the group, but after the right amount of alcohol, the Losers found, he turned into a witty sport.

Beverly gave Mike a knowing smile and then nodded at Bill.

“How old were you when you lost your virginity?”

“Oh my- what! How old are you people? Like seriously!”

Mike complained a bit, but after some time, he smiled and unwillingly answered the question. “I was 18, okay?”

Richie snorted and suddenly widened his eyes. For him it was common sense to comment everyone and everything but all of a sudden he felt like he might have made a mistake. It was not Eddie he was balling, it was Mike. And he wasn’t so good, at least not as good with...

“And how old were you son of a mother, if I may ask you, Richard?” Mike pointed on Richie’s chest with his index finger.

“Me? I was...It’s not my turn yet”, Richie grinned and made a face at Mike. Suddenly he felt a heat in his cheeks. It normally didn’t bother him when people were looking at him, au contraire, actually, he enjoyed it. He was a show host, dammit! But right now, in that second...A pair of eyes was smothering him.

“Take it easy, Mikey”, Eddie interrupted. “He mustn’t admit the only relationship he’s ever had was with his right hand.” Eddie gave him a warm wink.

“Alright, years left, years to come and I still wanna puke”, you heard your fiancé blurt out. Everyone was laughing and the atmosphere seemed as calm as it could be. You kept playing for a few rounds and suddenly you had to ask Richie.

“Okay, Richie from the ditchie”,  you smiled, “Tell me: Truth or dare?”

You stared at your best high school friend with deliberate provocation in your eyes. The two of you had played this game over and over and every time Richie had made you do some extra foolish shit. Today was the day to let justice win.

“Dare, baby. All over.”

“Okay.”

For a second you asked yourself if you could do it, if you could really ask your best friend to do the thing he was the most afraid of but would or at least should also make his life a whole lot more interesting. Actually, he should be thankful if you did, you thought.

Richie had a secret and you had little but still had knowledge about it. You were the only one to know and you had promised to keep it a secret. It was an asshole kind of move, but so was it that one time when Richie forced you to sneak into Henry Bowers house. That was the time he almost murdered you and you had to talk yourself out of it by telling him you were secretly into him and had sneaked in to write him a note. That was the worst summer of your life, you decided and you shivered.

“I dare you to kiss Eddie on the lips.”

For a good second, everyone was quiet and you could hear someone gasping. It was Ben.

You looked Richie right in the eyes and saw frustration but also surprise there. It was almost as if he was gonna ask you “Why?” if there just wouldn’t have been all those people.

“Oh, come on, Rich. Everyone here has kissed everyone here...I mean, almost. Or. Okay. Maybe it was just Bill and Beverly, then Ben and Beverly [now a couple], then me and Beverly and even Bill and Mike [for scientific reasons - the project failed and Bill was now happily married]. Don’t make a fuss.”

“She’s right”, Mike said and gave Bill a curious look. Bill laughed and pretended to look at his phone.

“When did you and Beverly kiss?”, Stan suddenly asked and you looked at him in shock.

“Oh, shit”, you said and sounded a little too tipsy. “Okay, it was before us...And it was only one kiss.”

“And what a kiss”, Beverly added with a grin. Ben laughed awkwardly and grabbed Beverly harder by her waist. She gave him a short kiss on the cheek.

“Okay, so what now?” Eddie asked, almost impatiently.

Your face went from Eddie to Richie and back to Eddie.

“This is bullshit. We don’t...I mean, we don’t have to do this. This is a bullshit game and no one really cares if...”

“Are you gonna do it or what?” Eddie lifted his left eye brow and watched how Richie frowned in confusion.

Eddie groaned like he had before and all of a sudden took Richie’s face in his hands. Richie felt how his heart slipped down his stomach. He gasped for air, right before he felt how Eddie pressed his lips against his own. For a short moment he couldn’t even close his eyes and just stared in disorientation, then he felt how slowly his eyes closed.

It was...the most beautiful kiss he had ever experienced in his whole life. Eddies lips tasted like coffee and Bacardi and even a bit like his inhaler. He felt his heart beat through his chest as Eddie softly strengthened his grip on Richie’s face.

After a few seconds he felt how Eddie slowly pulled his head back. When he opened his eyes again, he looked into a pair of warm, acquainted eyes.

“Could be worse, right?” Eddie quipped, suddenly sounding like a mixture of serious and sleepy. His voice was higher than it was before and he didn’t take his eyes off of Richie as fast.

“Sure”, Richie spoke under his breath.

That was the second Beverly put a satisfied look on her face and continued to spin the bottle. Everyone was doing normal things again but for Richie the time seemed to move in slow motion.

Suddenly you felt bad. Maybe you shouldn’t have. Maybe...

“Honey, I’ll just go to the kitchen and grab some fresh glasses”, you said to Stan and vanished like a flash.

After entering the kitchen and before you heard the door slam, you heard Richie calling “I’ll help you!” from behind you. Before you could get away, he stood already in front of you.

“Why?”, he asked you.

He looked at you with slight disappointment in his eyes. The rest seemed just...tipsy.

“I’m sorry, Richie. I don’t know why I did that. It was wrong. I shouldn’t have. I really don’t...I’m so sorry”, you said, trying to calm yourself rather than him, because he seemed surprisingly calm.

“I just-”

“Do you guys need any help?”, you suddenly heard somebody asking. It was Eddie. You didn’t hear when he entered but you were pretty glad that he had come in.

It was true. It was just a stupid kiss and what one would make out of that. It was not your fault that Richie seemed to maybe see more in that game of Truth or dare than there actually was. People had to kiss other people all the time for that exact reason. You had kissed Beverly, Mike had kissed Bill, all for that reason. Why should Richie be spared?

“Actually, we do. I’ll take these glassed out, maybe you could help Richie with the snacks. Thank you, Eds”, you smiled at him, as he gently grazed your arm.

“Anything for the bride.”

With those words, you vanished. Back to the others. Other than for Richie, Eddie seemed less concerned about the kiss. Actually, he seemed...content.

“I can take care of the snacks. You can go back and...”

“Can we talk about it?”

Richie felt how the blood in his veins froze. “About what?”

“The kiss.”

Oh no. Oh no. He would totally mention how he had noticed what Richie felt and that he could never have the same feelings...not for a man. Not for Richie. He felt quiet nauseous.

“I hope it won’t do any harm on our friendship, that’s all”, Richie lied and told the truth at the same time. “I mean, it’d be the fucking worst. I’ll never play truth or dare again for the sake of-”

“Richie...”

“Also, what are we? Teenagers maybe? We’re fucking adults! Can’t we act like it? [Yikes.] People of our age don’t play games at parties anymore, no, they rather do-”

“Richie.”

Before he could keep talking, he felt how Eddie tried and pressed him against the breakfast table. Richie was awkwardly bent over aback while Eddie was coming nearer. He couldn’t take his eyes of him for a second. Even though Richie was tripping backwards, Eddie wouldn’t stop and went along until they had reached the wall.

“Richie, I want you to kiss me.”

Eddie wasn’t really this confident when he was sober. Sure, he was not really shy and especially not around Richie. But right in that second he exuded some kind of dominance that made Richie weak by his knees. He stared at him and tried to say something just to close his mouth again.

“But...why would you...”

“No talking”, Eddie ordered, almost craving. He placed his hands gently on Richie’s chest and let his fingers run up and down through the material of his shirt. Richie felt how it slowly became harder to breathe. “Just kiss me”, he said. His eyes followed the structure down from his head to his feet just to get to his eyes again. He bit his lip and for Richie it was inexplicable how one person alone could be so damn hot.

His lips could only form two words, before he let go of all.

“Oh fuck.”

After that he placed his hands on Eddie’s hip and pulled him closer, so close, that nothing could ever fit between the two of them. After shortly looking into his eyes, he almost lost himself in them.

He felt the relief of eventually placing his lips on Eddie’s. It was the best feeling ever. Under his breath he could hear how Eddie softly moaned into his mouth. His tongue circled shyly along Eddie’s lower lip, then always faster. Eddie placed his hands in Richie’s dark hair and gently pulled a bit.

It was romantic and slow but it was also expectant and so damn past due.

After quiet some time, Richie felt how Eddie pulled his head back. He was breathing heavily and looking at him with a look in his eyes that Richie had never before seen on Eddie.

“What is it?”, he whispered.

“I-I wanted to ask you...ask if maybe you wanna continue but in my bedroom.”

What had begun and sounded like an unfunny joke in the beginning, was now Richie’s life long dream which became true.

“We don’t have to...I mean...you don’t have to think you’d have to do anything that you don’t really...”

“I want it”, Eddie burst out. He coughed slightly. “I mean...I want it. I do”, he said in a soft voice.

“Isn’t it...quiet early to say I do?”, Richie asked and gave his friend a big, confident grin.

“I should have said it years ago”, Eddie said and smiled.

They stood there looking at each other for a few seconds, when Eddie grabbed his hand.

“Okay. Sneak me in, Eddie spaghetti.”

“There is no spaghetti for you if you call me that again”, Eddie laughed and Richie laughed, too, knowing he was joking. Oh shit, he wanted him.

And that was the only thing he had wanted for years.

Actually...forever.

[scbincx]

𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭  𝐬𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐚.

[ ESTER EXPOSITO, 22, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ] welcome to the du pont institute for the young & gifted, [ SABINA MARQUEZ ]. you have been accepted as a [ REGULAR ] student from [ SPAIN ], going into your [ SENIOR YEAR ] and majoring in [ INT'L BUSINESS MANAGEMENT ]. your peers at the institute say that you are [ ASTUTE & SELF-ASSURED ], but being [ VEXING & CONNIVING ] may be the reason why the police are asking about you. did you think they wouldn’t find out that you were michael’s [ GIRLFRIEND ]? [ ADMIN J, 23, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER, EST ]

hi friends! jocey here with my first bby, sabina. i’m just gonna get this out of the way right now - apologizing in advance for all that is sabina because she’s truly just the worst™. lol anyways, gimme a like or hmu on discord if you’d like to plot with my little demon child!

name : sabina isabella maria marquez nickname : friends call her sab age : twenty-two sexuality : bisexual hometown : madrid, spain major : int’l business management, minor in entrepreneurship extracurriculars : student council president, business leaders of tmrw, du pont editor, honour society, model UN (spain)

━  the marquez family is known to have a bit of a controversial reputation, mostly surrounding how they made their fortune. what started out as a small delivery company in the canary islands decades ago has now expanded to a global empire of sorts. officially, marquez enterprises is a shipping company that controls the major ports in spain, and owns several businesses throughout europe and latin america.

━  but off the books? well, let’s just say there may be rumours that they’re involved in some shady business and have quite a few shady interesting contacts from all around the world, from politicians to some less than savoury people. regardless, it’s common knowledge that the marquezes are filthy dirty rich, enjoy living extravagantly and lavishly, and are practically seen as spanish royalty in the social scene.

━  as the eldest born to the head of the marquez empire, sabina was always groomed to take over marquez enterprises one day. she has a younger brother, though he shows no interest (or any capabilities, for that matter) in even being a part of it. then there are all of her cousins who want the seat - her seat - at the head of the table for themselves, like her cousin cristiano. well, over her dead body. and even from the grave, she would never let that happen because this was her birthright. while most kids dreamt of flying to the moon or being a princess, sabina always knew she was going to rule the world marquez empire one day.

━  sabina is her parents’ daughter in every way possible. they taught her everything legal and illegal that she needed to know in order to be successful in life. but some things even they couldn’t quite explain themselves. like when three-year-old sabina stole all the crayons in daycare to force other kids to buy them back with their snacks. from a young age, she quickly learned that tricking people into giving her what she wanted out of their own dumb free will was so much more satisfying than stealing it from under their noses. she may be named after a saint, but anyone will tell you she is anything but.

━  a hustler with an alpha bitch mentality, she’s always outsmarting people and outsmarting the system to get things to work in her favour. and when that didn’t work, no one could ever say no to a big fat wad of cash. because sabina marquez never loses. she doesn’t just play the game, she owns it, makes the rules and wins. every. damn. time. sabina strongly believes that playing by the rules was for suckers and if you weren’t the best, then you were nothing at all. and sometimes being the best required playing dirty. if she has to ruin someone else’s life to get her way, then she will gladly pour a jug of gasoline, light a match and enjoy watching it go up in flames. hell, sometimes she’ll do that just for the fun of it anyways. and if that’s what she does for her own enjoyment, then you do not wanna know what she does when she’s pissed off.

━  with that mentality, it’s no surprise that sabina easily became the top student of her program and student council president. though she may have lied and cheated her way to the top on several occasions, there’s no denying that she’s fucking brilliant. yes, she could have done it the right way, but where’s the fun in that? if anything, pulling off all the lying, cheating and scheming proved just how smart she really was. and maybe that’s why michael fell for her. 

━  sabina always thought she was too good for michael. in fact, too good for almost anyone at this school. the whole golden boy, mr. popular act was boring and cliche, and she saw right through it. and yet somehow, almost as if it’d happened overnight, michael had won her over and they were quickly known as du pont’s ‘it’ couple. everyone envied them and wanted to be them. they couldn’t be a more perfect couple and she was the perfect girlfriend - sweet, adoring, supportive. in fact, so perfect that no one ever knew that deep down, sabina had never hated anyone more in her life than michael fucking valmont. and she couldn’t be happier now that he’s dead.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

BEST FRIEND  ━  someone who can put up with sabina’s awfulness, or maybe they’re just as awful as she is. this is probably one of the few people she’s actually relatively nice to (at least, by her standards) and will always have their back. possibly even one of the few people she’ll ever let her guard down for. preferably m/nb tbh bcuz she tends to be a bigger bitch to girls cuz they’re obvs more threatening than dumb boys are lol.  taken by simon bexley, cade harrington, sofia gonzalez-cortes MORAL CONSCIENCE  ━  does sabina even have a moral compass? your guess is as good as mine. this is someone she is more likely to listen to and could try to sway her from doing, y’know, ~*just sabine things*~. kind of the angel on her shoulder? often tries to get her to be nicer and overall be a decent human being.  taken by grant winter-grandview EXES  ━  either she dumped him/her, or she was dumped (in which case, rip my friend). maybe there are lingering feelings. who knows?? could be interesting if they’re very different from sabina and that’s why it didn’t work out despite the chemistry or whatever. RIVALS/ENEMIES  ━  ho’boy. homegirl can piss off a lot of people just for shits and giggles, nor does she care to be likeable and personable, so i’m sure she’s got a hella long list of enemies/people she rubs the wrong way. also people she’s sabotaged and manipulated to get her way? plz.  taken by adelaide montserrat, alice coltell, saylor winter-grandview, daisy kennedy CHILDHOOD FRIEND  ━  self-explan. they’ve known each other since they were kids and their parents are likely friends.  taken by madelyn vasquez UNWANTED CHILD  ━  sabina somehow ended up being this person’s very reluctant mom friend. she hates it, she does not want to deal with them, and yet she’ll still go pick up their drunk ass at 4am. she’s all about tough love, so while she may be super harsh and hard on them, she does it out of love and because she cares. not that she’d ever admit caring.  taken by nicollo fernez, james thompson UNLIKELY/ACCIDENTAL FRIENDS  ━  they shouldn’t get along, but somehow, they just do and their friendship works. not typically someone sabina would see herself being friends with, but somehow an accidental friendship of sorts developed.  taken by aurora van der berg, crimson cooper SECRET FLING  ━  the person sabina cheated on michael with. it’s definitely more than a one-time hook-up, but not quite a relationship yet either. she cares about them a lot more than she’d ever care to admit out loud, but it shows through her actions.  taken by william acher CAT & MOUSE  ━  the more sabina can’t have something, the more she’s driven to go after it, even if it’s just to prove a point. and that point is that she’s always right and she always wins. so she’ll flirt, sweet talk and pull out all the stops just to get them to admit that they’re wrong about her. could also work the other way - the more they want her to cave, the more she’ll push and fight it.  taken by gabriel johnson

okay, that’s all i can think of off the top of my head. some plots i’m open for multiple characters to fill, unless it has been crossed out. and ofc, i’m always open to new ideas too!

[commonalex]

Aphrodite

(press play, won't bite ya)

aphrodite by common alex

Listen/download: aphrodite by common alex

They really caught my eye by mistake. Couldn’t even make out what was really happening because of the slow daybreak; when I finished parking she was already laid down on the parking lot and this old fuck with his black-as-a-crow dyed hair and this filthy white shirt was stomping her sides. I shout till I get noticed by this dusty boned ass and his halloweeny mustache he rocks in this late September. I sprint (well, supposedly, my lungs aren’t as light as they used to) and he flinches as if he shat his pants towards a old green Citroen bumped to pieces. I swear he was this close getting his ass beat.

-You shouldn’t have done that.

-Are you… okay, lady? Hey, easy easy. No sudden moves, I got a first aid kit back at the truck.

-Oh no. No, don’t you ”lady” me.

With these dark brunette hair, this long black kimono robe tied by her waist and these thick sunglasses hiding her eyes, her age must be somewhere around fifty, maybe less. I see no blood, though, only on her bottom lip and her back from the asphalt; the rest are just bruises by hand or by shoe. I put some old band aids I found along some other (close to be expired) shit and help her to stand while being a bit scared she is way more hurt internally. But even though she stands alright there’s something about her that doesn’t seem quite right.

-Don’t scratch that, let it dry out. What about a hospital, a doctor? Is there anything like that close from here?

-What do you think, big boy?

That I made a stupid question. Why on earth would there be a hospital close to a truck station on the highway? There’s not even a restaurant around here anymore. We barely get a cup of shitty coffee along with overpriced snacks and a chance to piss with the constant risk of getting infected of something too fucked up for science to give it a name yet.

-Where’s your car?

-I don’t have a car.

-Were you brought here?

The sunglasses slowly fell from her straight lined nose for me to see her smudged eyes guiding me to the right. There really was no car. Only an abandoned gas station, a really creepy playground overgrown by weeds and grass and an old caravan, five by three meters with a blue stripe on its side. I look at her for confirmation and I walk her slow as one can go to let her sit on a cheap travel armchair right besides the open wide door of the caravan.

-I’m… Aphrodite. And you?

    Her hesitation right before her name has successfully rang every single bell in existence.

-Does it matter?

She seems unbothered. Knowing my name or not is just the same to her, so to speak; as long as I don’t ask any questions about this pasty prick hitting her a few moments ago.

-Well you’re right about that. How old are you?

-Thirty-three.

-Good for you, you seem nothing like your age. You could tell me you’re twenty six, I’d believe you. 

Wow, she’s really into talking, isn’t she? So much she tries to pull a second chair for me beside her. I take a sec to understand if all this a way of flirting or just an awkward compliment used instead for “thanks” because I was at the wrong place at the right moment.

-Sorry, you caught me at work. A long drive to Romania, really, and if I don’t stick to schedule they’ll come for my ass.

Still, unphased.

But she keeps on digging to me.

-Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot. I mean have you ever seen anyone that you try chatting with them and they aren’t in any rush?

Aphrodite seems kind enough to relieve me from my puzzled face by opening and closing her robe as she speaks, as if I, an engaged dude with two babies back home, am all about that shit right now. And even if I was, just by looking at her breast and legs I get a weird feeling. So I play dumb until she gets tired of trying. She doesn’t. And this woman was lying on a parking lot ten minutes ago.

-Look, I can’t help with anything else. And besides, how can I put it, I don’t really…

She catches up and cuts me off from the worst.

-What you “don’t really”. Fuck hookers or fuck trans?

I can’t stress enough how embarrassed I got between these seconds. For sure I didn’t want to put it like that, but how could I say that without saying it? I simply nodded. She seemed like she understood though. She ties her robe back and drags me to chit chat once again (because she couldn’t drag me inside that greasy caravan), beginning to unfold the story of her life. Literally. Awkward as fuck, but I’d lie if I wasn’t intrigued with her.

She said she was born in a rural town far from here, raised by her “holy as a woman can ever be” grandma Aphrodite (that’s where the name comes from)- she tells me that exact thing about three times. I’m asking for her parents and then waiting her to finish with the endless cursing towards them just so the story continues to the point she reaches fourteen years old. Right there is where she, without a warning, runs away from home to Salonika, the closest big city she could afford to start selling her body.

-I’d be lying if I ever said I didn’t get comfy with work, especially the first few clients. After the initial stress dies down you wait for the instinct of habit. I swear, you could spend a week in this job and nothing would ever surprise you anymore. You can’t imagine what kinds of filth and secrets lie outside. Kinky psychos showing up with their wedding rings on, notorious pimps spending all morning on a tv show asking “where is this country really going with all this filth“, priests. Well, you heard nothing about priests yet, I tell you that.

Aphrodite, an adult now, eventually grows far too big for Salonika and makes a trip down to Athens (as she always intended), finding only more filth and misery inside a poorly lit basement with other prostitutes. Her desperation keeps on popping up here and there for a while because she couldn’t predict things turning so damn shitty and unbearable. She stacks her money little by little and she finally gets her surgery.

-And how was thing afterwards?

-Deep inside I knew this was my time; with the body I should have had. And the best thing was that no new client could ever understand the difference, and even if he did that was the last thing he was concerned with. I was ahead of everyone else in there- all of them. But little did I care about all that, I was made for greater things. I didn’t plan to stay in that fucking basement any longer, getting fucked by the lowest of people. That’s why I got my head down and worked my ass off until I could make a name of myself, until I could make not enough money but the real money. And that was what really got the best of me in the end, I think.

She then “moves” to the biggest red light district of Athens (I mean, of course, where else could she really be, right?) and that’s the point where her story really turns sketchy. Whatever she told me to this minute might be a bit cliche, but still believable. Now she runs over all that, telling me to believe that she managed to get so big she turned to a highly paid escort for rich and powerful people like that (which I guess you could say is plausible, given that she indeed would be beautiful at some point). Just the names and zeros she dropped on the table makes me suspicious as hell. But this isn’t the end, she continues with her Mercedes car she owned and took rides with back at her grandma’s place or with how she was personally invited every time the american fleet stopped in Rhodes and Crete. Like she’s living in a goddamn movie.

-So things get really, and I mean really busy, am I right?

-It didn’t take long for magazines and tv shows for nosy people to notice me. Those were the days, I tell you. You remember the checks I used to get previously? Well you wouldn’t even imagine those. I was called the “trannie”, the “pure Satan offspring”, the “biggest mistake of the nature”- really whatever. I’m still laughing. By the time the camera was switching off everyone was begging for a photoshoot or an interview like their life depended on it. You can’t just pass this opportunity to get famous. It’s as strong as a drug. All this attention, all those lights really make you feel like you’re doing something good at last.

How much time could have passed for the sun to come out full force, burning my back like a motherfucker? I take a peek at my watch and I see it’s quarter past ten. Shit. I really should be going by now. How do I cut it out for her, hoping that she will eventually go to the doctor by herself? How do I escape her mouth from talking so slow or her eyes from following me like a predator’s?

-That’s alright and all, but...

-I know, you can’t tell right now, but everyday I was getting calls and visits from designers at my house by the shore to ask me if I would wear their shit. Yeah, I reached that peak. I mean, would you believe me if I told you I stumbled upon Dolce & Gabbana at the airport? Giving me their cards and all?

No. No I wouldn’t believe you.

-That’s all nice and dandy, Aphrodite, but something’s missing. I mean, what are you doing here? Like, for real.

You can’t make me believe she didn’t expect this to come up eventually, but here she is acting like that. Leaving sighs and staring into nothingness. Her voice even changes up a bit, gets a more serious tone to it, out of the blue.

-Do you really believe prostitutes tend to think about the future? I mean, really? Do they make plans of retirement or something? Especially the trans ones. Let me tell you, most of them can’t even think about making it to thirty, either from someone or themselves. I, personally, chickened out twice and got rescued three times, and you’re coming here telling me if I ever thought I would be here during my old days?

-With all these things you casually spill out of doing in the ‘90s you should be standing above thousands, even millions, with all of the doors wide open for you. What happened? How could you go from a house by the shore, a Mercedes and all these interviews to, you know… This?

    Where, just to remind you, this is a fucked up caravan besides the highway where old fucks are coming to kick her in the neck.

-”What happened”. Like I never asked that to myself. I’m here, sitting and telling you a stuff or two about myself and you have the nerve to pull a “what happened”. What could have happened, big boy? What do you believe?

She seems really sensitive that not only I interrupted her story but in addition I questioned the lies she spices it with. Welp, what can you do, I already threw half of my morning out of the window with this one, we’re only left to see where is she going with all these delusions of her amazingly faked past. Like I have any time to spare.

-Tell me.

-It must be the place, dunno. You, for example, came here maybe for a piss stop and then back to work. And what a demanding work; holding a wheel until you don’t. But what about the whores? Whores got a body to maintain till its expiration date. After that, game over; again, if the make it there. If disgust hasn’t eaten them alive by then. If insecurities about everything starting to loosen up, or the ringing of the phone that eventually will go silent, or reaching the point of begging to keep on living cause family is not an option anymore. They go nuts, you see, they hold on from anything they can reach just to keep on feeling that all this they are going through really mattered. Just to keep on feeling like they are valued.

-So is this why you’re staying here? To feel like this matters? To get beaten up by old fucks and internally accepting it? Why don’t you ask for help?

-This is help. This old fuck is the only one that comes around and throws a penny for me to maintain myself. He’s the only one that fucks me, anyway. That’s why I’m here, for him- it’s his caravan after all. He lives about twenty minutes from here with a wife, kids and grandkids. He just likes to “get it out of his system” once every few days by fucking for free and beating me whenever I mention that I can’t do this anymore, because he is afraid that his whore isn’t loyal to him. But why am I saying all these things to you. I’m wasting my words. You still don’t believe me.

I don’t know where her truth and lies stand anymore, only that if she really lived all these things she’s a massive fool for not writing a book. I, for once, took too much of my time for all this crap. When I started heading back to the track she switched to her first ways, telling me that “I’m doing the right thing” or that the old guy with the mustache “really has a gun and doesn’t mess around”. Yeah, whatever. I get in and peep Aphrodite behind the window waiting on the chair for me to go but something inside makes it hard for me to start the truck. It’s quarter to eleven but her endless chatter seem to get my weariness going. As time passes and the truck stays still, Aphrodite eventually heads back to the caravan shutting the door behind her. I’m kinda relieved. But I’m still madly curious, what can I do? Ah, fuck it, Romania can wait a bit more. I pull out my phone and search blindly, trying to find anything at all.

Aphrodite.

Trans.

Prostitute.

‘90s.

Modeling.

Enter.

I couldn’t feel anything less than a dick at this point. It seems unreal. Not only she was legit, but she toned things down a little in her story. The photoshoots were indeed professional and stunning, while I found an interview of her on an ancient tv talk show I never really knew existed where she explains how much her life changed due to the massive exposure she got at this point. Same as today, minus the touches of time on her. But most of all happy. Really all this attention made her bloom ridiculously. Magazine covers, runways, pageants; all enough to back up not only Aphrodite's public existence but also her relations with really established and rich individuals. And all of there as cute as hell, but where did all these money go? Well, the answer lies to a more recent past, this time inside tabloid news articles.

Only three to four year ago, Aphrodite spawns once again, this time in Jerusalem (what the fuck) in order to get closer with her faith and a highly respected priest there. So damn respected that people wouldn’t stop to talk about their “secret” meetings late at night, to the point where photos and videos leak publicly. Result? These tabloid fucks smell the blood from far, far away and get to hunting the story. The priest goes public, says “sorry guys, my mistake, Satan trapped me and such, didn’t want to, sorry again, peach to all”, gets thrown away from the local church and that was pretty much the end. Aphrodite on the other hand vanishes once again up until this point, right here, on this parking lot besides the highway.

I guess that’s what she meant with that “you heard nothing about priests yet” earlier. Maybe I should have listen more carefully or see her face better in order to recognize her from all this priest thing that blew up literally everywhere back then. Either way, my curiosity stopped killing me but guilt took over me. With my route schedule gone to the shitter already, I knock her caravan door till she opens with death in her eyes. I show her the interview I found on my phone.

-It’s you, isn’t it?

-That’s really a shame, big boy. What do you do with all these truck stuff. You should be working for NASA by now.

I was wrong before. This point right here is where I can’t feel anything less than a dick.

She invited me inside and made me sit right across a really slow fan that was spinning just for the aesthetics in order to make me feel less of a sweaty pig. The caravan looks way more comfy on the inside with a massive bed and a narrow sofa but the mountains of hoarding shit and snack packaging lying around here and there do no favors. It’s a good option for holidays, but absolutely not for regularly living inside of it. Aphrodite doesn’t seem to bother with my snoopy eyes. She holds the phone with both hands while carrying the cold look. As if she doesn’t recognize herself. As if she doesn’t want to.

-When was that?

-Not sure. ‘95? Later than that? I only recall just how rude and creepy this interviewer was. He didn’t hit on me or anything like that, it’s just that he was always an ass kisser in front of you and a shit talker behind your back. I didn’t get how much crude and sarcastic he was in that interview until years later. Now that I think of that, I guess everyone were kind of the same. But these were different times, more fabulous, more sparkly, more…. Innocent? I guess innocent isn’t the right word for it.

Then I show her the article about the priest. She kinda leaves a bitter smile there. She might no look exactly happy but nevertheless she must understood that in the end I kinda cared and dug up her whole history to make it up for myself after treating her like shit. She silently accepts it, even though with her fair share of reservations this time.

-That’s the most recent I could find, there’s nothing next to that. Would you mind telling me what happened next?

-One day my head was about to explode. I couldn’t do this anymore. All I wanted was to somehow save my soul from this pit of crap I ended up, and the idea stuck to me the moment I accidentally found grandma’s cross among my stuff. That was really it. I quit the job, closed my phone and traveled to churches and monasteries, throwing money around to buy a seat next to God. Turns out I found my Devil, though. 

She’s way more reserved than before. I get that all of this might still cut deep and talking about it hurts like a bitch. I tell her she doesn’t really have to say anything she doesn’t want to and I am ready to leave her alone if she asks me to. She calmed my anxious ass with a simple nod.

-And the videos?

-I leaked them. I told you prostitutes don’t think about the future. I couldn’t even think about today at this point of my life; I was really in a shitty place. The priest wanted to go big, a bishop or something like that, and to do that she had to dump me. Like I was the one flirting with him in the first place. And he was the one supporting me, so what the fuck would I do there alone? That’s where a magazine came to me, no idea of its name, put money on my hand for the footage and came back with these money, just so nothing would remind of everything that played out down there. As you’d expect, money didn’t last forever. So I got to a point where I was like “what can I do”? I could never be a beggar and I could never go back to a brothel without people laughing at me, so I went from one old friend to another until someone finally decided to help.

-Someone. Like a cunt.

-Yeah, a cunt, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing.

I ran out of words. I’m no longer curious, no longer so guilty and for sure don’t feel pity for her. I can only say “good luck” and “take care” to her as I walk out; even though neither of these hold any value for her situation. She didn’t wanna hop on the truck because she didn’t feel like she has anywhere to go. I try to make her understand that anywhere is better than this misery and abuse. She responds somewhat philosophical, telling me that who knows, maybe someone might come up on this truck stop and can actually help her. Give her money to live or anything else she needs and then taking he-...

-Aphrodite! Out! Now! 

The shouting from outside got her eyes open wide, staring at the door for a good second. I never believed I could see her scared shitless.

-You shouldn’t have done that, I told you so.

-Is this him?

I didn’t need an answer to that. Her bottom lip shaking like her jaw’s about to fall gives me all the information I need. She pulls my hand from the door to stop me. Too bad I already decided my approach. I smile at her to stop her from panicking and jump out with sun hanging above me. Ten meters on the left there’s the green Citroen with one door open and a bit closer there’s the old bastard standing a bit closer with a shotgun resting in his hands. The truck is straight ahead, forty steps or so. It’s just a sprint as the worst case scenario, big deal. Either way I bet his shaky hands could even load before shooting. Ha, there it is, haven’t I told you, he dropped the fucking shotgun. Ten more steps and hello Romania. I only feel bad that I didn't have the time to greet her for the last time before I go. I yell "goodbye" as I'm running but my voice isn't coming out at all. But again how could it be heard right here, right now with all those bang bang bang bang b…

The only thing I can make out of all this noise is her screaming from the back. 

-No! Oh God! 

[fuckshiru]

345rv5 ten year anniversary. Couldn’t upload this to DA for some reason

You know when you're getting older when people start having 10 year aniversaries. But alas. I still await my aniversary (which wont be for over 3 years).

You're delusional if you think I wont be posting about this.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been watching people rant online for a long ass time. I've watched Youtube videos, blogs, and deviantart journals of course. And stamps. It used to be game reviewers (Clement and SomecallmeJohnny), then it was political videos (The Amazing Atheist formerly then Sargon and Hunter Avallone currently). But I've never actually made friends with any of them. Unlike 345rv5.

I've made friends with 345rv5 just a few years back. While he isn't millionaire famous, he has a rather large following on deviantart. And that's because there's a little bit of everything on his page. He started off reviewing anime but then he would he started getting into debates. I think what made him a force to be reckoned with was the fact that he made very long journals and comments. But they wern't long because he wanted to win the debate (just a side note, if you're on a debate online, dont EVER simply write a wall of text or copy n paste from wikipedia. That doesn't work.), he would also deconstruct each of the points of the other side and obliterate them. Lets get into the journal that started it all.

Dragon Fail Live Action Piece of Shit

Dragon fail live action peice of shit

Now, 345rv5 has been around before he made the journal, but in my opinon this was the review that started everything. This was his Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. I've read all of his journals. Anime and video games was his thing earlier on. He didn't start making political videos until around 2012/2013. This day marks the ten year anniversary of him making that journal.

It really set off his channel (or should I say page). I guarentee that if he had a youtube channel, he would be filthy rich, even with youtube's ad-pocalypse and whatnot.

He started off ranting about shows and movies, essentially pointing out all of the flaws. Some notable things he's ranted about were Cartoon Network and Super Mario Live Action movie.

Anime Recaps and Reviews

Weekly Shonen Recap :RECAP !

Anime and Manga was his passion. He almost exclusively watched anime, some of his favourites were Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon. Others shows, such as Bleach not so much. There's not much to say on this part, but if you enjoy anime, you'll enjoy his reviews.

Rivalries

As time passed on, he began showing everyone his insane debating skills. This caused many people to hold grudges toward him. He began his series BDTDT/BSTDT (Bigots Do/say the dumbest things) and a subseries FTSTDT (Fantards say the dumbest things) and RFSTDT (Radical Feminists Say The Dumbest Things. He also started shorter series entitled "Concentrated Stupidity", which ended shortly.

Watching him take part in these debates that lasted over months was actually pretty entertaining. He's debated people such as Arrnacar Fighter, DragonoftheEastBlue (which apparently made a youtube video), BrianaBater, Insanity123 (didn't get a journal), Sychtemantis, and Party999999. The debate between him and Party999999 lasted for over a year. It ended in 2016, when Party99999 made a final response, and called it quits.

The topics of these debates covered politics. When it wasn't that, he would literally go in depth on how strong a character is, using math equations and Science to justify his claims.

And no, I'm not insulting any of thse people. Hell for a debate to last that long meant that they put up a good fight and must've good points.

Unfortunately, with so many debates online someone was eventually going to make a page on Encyclopedia Dramatica about him.

https://encyclopediadramatica.rs/345rv5

Before I start, I will say that I'm suprised that I don't have a page on Encylopedia Dramatica. I should've gotten one a few years back when I got into a big fight in the complaints forum, but now that I'm fading away into nothing, I'm probably never gonna get one. That's good I guess. But an Encyclopedia Dramatica page really only shows the worst in people.

Even when he got banned from DA, he still occasionally called people out here on this site from tumblr (such as OddGarfield and Aknaton-II)

The Story, Political Views, and Removal from DA

Earlier on, 345rv5 was a liberal. He was the same kind of liberal as The Amazing Athiest, as in, he wasn't a SJW, they didn't believe in white privilege or any of that garbage. Instead, they only believed in green privilege. (I dont know if TJ still believes that given I haven't watched his videos in months)

He still is a egaliratian, and one of his sickest ownages was his DESTROYING someone who insulted and slut shamed SHE-HULK by calling her a whore.

BSTDT:She Hulk is a Whore!

He was a true EGALITARIAN. Trust me, you will not find a bigger equalist than 345rv5 on the internet. He has stood up for atheists, women, men, people of colour, whites, Religious people, you name it. Every one of those instances I wholeheartedly agreed with.

BSTDT: Brother Dean the Anti Gay, Sexist Pastor

BSTDT: Atheist Pluser Says fuck you to Christans

After time passed, he slowly distanced himself from the left. He is a firm supporter of AllLivesMatter. This however, would cause him to get banned permanently from the site.

RIP 345rv5

I was beyond angry when that happened. But its been over 3 years and it is what is I guess. After being banned from DA, he made a tumblr account. This is where he REALLY shifted away from the left. 1 year later in 2016, He came out as a supporter of Trump weeks away from the election day. At that point I was still sceptical of Trump but I do admit that people have retarded reasons for hating him. I believe he still identifies as a liberal, but honestly, it hard to be considered a liberal or a leftist at this point because the left keeps fucking up for themselves. Paul Joseph Watson said Conservatism is the new counter culture, and I totally agree. Its popular to be left leaning these days.

The arguement The Amazing Athiest had with Hunter Avallone really shows that sides have switched. It used to be a younger liberal vs a older conservative. Now its a younger conservative vs an older liberal.

But furthermore, 345rv5 continued making posts on tumblr. These were very similar to the posts he made here. This went on until Tumblr shot itself and got rid of pornographic content.

After that, he migrated to another website.

What made him great?

I think it was his ability to debate made him great. He would fucking decimate people. But he would only do that if you had horrible opinions. His followers were literally like familiy, everyone digged in to help him stand up to abusive admins. When he got banned, everyone was upset. We all love his journals, which everyone can see, thanks to this link here: https://web.archive.org/web/20150406180849/http://345rv5.deviantart.com/

Yet he was such a nice guy. And that is why he will always be remembered.

[d0gdaze]

1.

The body swap au a surprising amount of people asked for, actually. 

Read on AO3 / Summary

Pairings: Eddie Kaspbrak / Richie Tozier

Warnings: swearing, sexual references

Chapter 1/?

| Next 

Word Count: 3279

Eddie’s playlist

If given the choice to remove something from existence, most sensible people's suggestions would be akin to war, famine, homelessness, cancer, or something else along that line. Some people would be more specific, maybe choosing to rid the world of a particular person, or food, or trend in clothing. Some would say they would get rid of bagpipes, or tomatoes, or the entire concept of wearing socks and sandals. Others wouldn't be able to give you an answer, making the argument that we need the bad to balance out the good, or some other pretentious and insightful bullshit.

Richie Tozier knew exactly what he would get rid of, if given that choice. It would, without a doubt, be the song Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves.

This was the thought that crossed Richie's mind as the annoyingly energetic opening drumbeats graced his ears at six that morning, as they did every morning without fail. It was promptly accompanied by the familiar sound of a window sliding open, which only aimed to amplify the sound. He gritted his teeth and mumbled something unintelligible, but undoubtedly profane, and pulled the pillow out from under him, wrapping it around the back of his head and over his ears in an attempt to drown out the music. It proved to be futile, though. Because then, right on cue, the singing started. Well, calling it singing might be a bit of a stretch. He would have described it as more of a pained-sounding screech, much akin to a dying cat, or maybe a kazoo thrown into a paper shredder,

I use to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure.

Of course his next door neighbour had to have the worst voice imaginable, paired with the worst music taste imaginable (that is, one of a preteen girl). He honestly thought he would much rather be beaten over the head with a baseball bat every morning, because even that would be less painful than this.

The chorus started, and the 'singing' escalated from a slightly reserved cry to a full on caterwaul, his neighbour's voice cracking a little, rather comically, on the 'woah's. He let out a defeated huff, which slowly drew out into a groan. He removed the pillow, throwing it off the bed in lazy frustration, and turned his head to face the window. From where he was he could just see Eddie Kaspbrak, his personal alarm clock, sitting at the foot of his own bed, bent over himself to tie his shoes. He was still belting out the lyrics as he did so.

Eddie, at least on the outside, seemed like a good kid. 'A wrinkly old grandma's wet dream', Richie had once said to his friend Beverly the day after he moved in next door, and though the analogy was responded to with disgust, she later discovered that he really did have a point. The boy was constantly pristine, always wearing variously coloured, yet always dull-looking polo shirts, tucked into jeans that were always unreasonably well-fitted. And cardigans. Oh god, the cardigans were the worst. They looked like they came directly out of Mr. Rogers' personal collection, though everyone knew the kid didn't own a single item of second-hand clothing. Which was, in Richie's opinion, worse, because it meant that he didn't dress like that due to financial strife, and that he spent good money on new clothes that made him look like a tiny senior citizen by choice. His haircut hadn't changed since the start of highschool, the same suburban-white-father-of-three-esque side-parted quiff that never had a single hair out of place. When he wasn't dressed like this, however, he was in his P.E. uniform. That is, a grey t-shirt with their high school mascot printed on the front, and shorts. Bright red, flashy, and ever so short. Absolutely shorter than necessary, and shorter than anyone else on the track team seemed to have them. And once again, the Kaspbrak's didn't have an issue with money. He hadn't grown out of them and couldn't afford to buy a new pair, hell, he had barely grown two inches since freshman year. They were short, because that weirdo liked them that way, for whatever reason. And Richie didn't care enough to ask. All he knew was that they when he was wearing them, it was distracting as fuck. Every time he did his stretches on Saturday morning, after strategically placing himself in his room so Richie could see him from where he sat on the bed, reading over his play scripts, it was like he was actively trying to show himself off.

And Richie hated it. He hated him.

He grabbed his glasses off of his bedside table and dragged himself out of bed, feet hitting the floor and pulling him into a slouched stance, and shuffled his way over to the window. He lifted the pane open with a small groan.

There was a small stretch of roof in front of both of their windows, about three feet each, the gap between the two properties only about the length of Richie's arm. Small enough to cross over with barely any effort, if either wanted to do so. Before Eddie had moved in, he thought it would have been perfect if someone came and lived there, someone nice, someone that he liked, and they could sit out on the roof and talk all night. They could have climbed into one another's rooms when their parents were asleep, or leave little notes on the glass, or even, maybe, if he was really lucky, fall in love with them. It would have been perfect, and rather shakespearian, he guessed. His own little Romeo and Juliet story. But then the universe decided to throw it's middle fingers up and say “fuck you, you're getting this hobbit instead,” and the only time he had ever crossed over to the other rooftop was at the start of junior year, to draw a massive, rather detailed piece of male genitalia on Eddie's window. In permanent ink, too, and Eddie had spent a good twenty minutes crouched out there in his pyjamas with a bottle of ajax and a sponge, desperately trying to scrub it off, cursing out Richie as he did so, fretting out loud about his mother seeing it. He deserved it though. He must have, even though Richie couldn't remember exactly what event had brought it on.

He leaned out slightly, fingers tapping a beat into the wood. Eddie looked up, obviously catching him out of the corner of his eye, and grinned. For a moment it even looked almost genuine. Almost. He knew better.

“'Morning Dick!” he chirped, making his way across the room, leaning against the window frame with his arms crossed over his chest. Richie pressed his lips together into a forced smile.

“Has anyone ever told you that you're a really good singer? I mean, obviously the answer is no, because you're shit, but I was wondering if maybe someone once lied to you about it and that's why you're still in denial about how terrible you are.” He tilted his head to the side. “Sorry to rip the bandaid off like that but trust me, it's better that you know.” He nodded his head, feigning sympathy. Eddie let out a short, sharp laugh.

“Oh I'm sorry Rich, was I cutting in on your beauty sleep? Is that why your face is all-” he paused, holding his hand up towards him, gesturing vaguely, “-like that?”

“Nice comeback,” Richie replied, before returning to a deadpan expression, “can you turn the music down now?” Eddie stuck his bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout, shaking his head.

“Maybe if you weren't up until two in the morning reciting your weird poetry you wouldn't be so tired, ever think of that?” he asked, a mocking lilt to his voice. Before Richie could say anything in return, he reached above him and slid the window down, leaving just a small gap at the bottom as to not muffle the noise, and promptly flipped him off through the glass. The song faded to a close, only to be replaced by something equally as upbeat and obnoxious.

Richie thought that if he could remove something else from existence, it would be Karma Chameleon by Culture Club.

“Fucking twat,” Richie muttered under his breath, just as Eddie's curtains were pulled shut. He sighed in defeat, shutting his own window and rolling his shoulders forward a few times, trying to ease some of the tension in his back. His lumpy old mattress was starting to become a prominent problem, there wasn't many days that he woke up without a crick in his neck. “Stupid mattress. Stupid shitty pop songs. Stupid fucking pink sweater bullshit.”

He collapsed onto the bed face-down, the bed creaking and complaining under him as he did, ignoring the painful way his glasses pressed into his face.

“'Weird poetry', like you can fucking talk, weirdo. At least I don't fucking iron my jeans.” He barked out a laugh at his own remark, then quickly realised he was talking and to someone who could not hear him, and sighed again. He rolled over onto his back, looking up at the cluster of glow in the dark stickers on the ceiling that he had put there when he was eight, only to never take them down, even as he was nearing the end of highschool. Most of them were peeling away at the corners. He had an urge to fix them, but knew he wouldn't, choosing instead to fixate on them with a weird sense of frustration.

It took around twenty minutes for him to actually get up. He only knew it took that long because five songs played during that time, averaging three and a half minutes each, he guessed. And Eddie sang every single lyric, so badly that at points Richie thought he must be consciously trying to sound worse than normal. It ended up being a rendition of Don't Go Breaking My Heart, in which Eddie sang both the male and female parts, even putting the effort in to sing them in alternating pitches, that drove Richie to the edge. He threw on a pair of jeans and the first shirt he picked up that didn't look too filthy, and trudged his way down the hall to the bathroom. He didn't have time for a shower, so he brushed his teeth and sprayed on an arguably excessive amount of aftershave before heading downstairs.

It wasn't necessarily a surprise to see the note on the fridge, but it still made him feel- something. Disappointment, perhaps, though he wasn't sure why it would be. It wasn't like it was a rare occasion for him to wake up to an empty household. He walked closer. Words scribbled on a piece of yellow lined paper torn from a legal pad, obviously done in a rush, held up by an old souvenir magnet from Niagara Falls. That trip had been before Richie was born, back when he figured his parents still led relatively interesting lives. Or maybe they didn't. Maybe it was a gift, and his parent's lives were never extraordinary in the slightest, not even enough to go to Ontario. He had never thought to ask.

Will be back tomorrow night. Leftovers in the fridge. -Mom x

He read the words aloud to himself, his voice sounding all too loud now that he was aware there was no one else to hear it. He told himself he didn't care, because truthfully, he wasn't sure if he did.

His parents weren't bad, per say. They did care about him, obviously, they must have. When they were home it was nice, they ate dinner together in front of the television, he helped his mother with the dishes, his father gave him pocket money for mowing the lawn. Hell, they even actually talked sometimes, mostly about the sports his father watched. Richie loved those talks, even though he really didn't have any interest in the subject matter. No, they were fine parents, he thought, perfectly fine. The problem was that they were rather... absent. Increasingly so since he hit high school. Nowadays it seemed that they were gone more than they weren't, either gone on some sort of business trip, or working late shifts, or his mother was at her book club, or his father was at the sports bar downtown. There was always something, and they barely ever specified what it was. Sometimes a week would pass and he wouldn't see them at all.

He swallowed the hurt that had started forming in the back of his throat, god knows he didn't need to acknowledge it, and opened the fridge. Empty. Like, absolutely empty.

“Good one, ma.”

He let the door swing shut and close with a soft thud, and took one last look at the note, as if it had somehow changed in the last ten seconds, or maybe to make sure he had read it right. Ten words are a lot to handle, after all, he easily could have misread it. But, unsurprisingly, he had read it right the first time, his parents still weren't home, and he would nothing to eat but cup noodles for the next two days. He didn't get the chance to mull over it for much longer, because right then a car horn sounded from outside, announcing his friend's arrival.

He bounded down the driveway to Mike's vega, where Beverly was leaning against the side of the hood, the front seat shifted forward already for him to climb into the back seat. He never understood how they had conned him into sitting in the back every day, seeing as he was tallest out of all three of them and the car was so small he would have been uncomfortable even in the front, but they had, and he did, and every day his back hated him for it. Don't complain, he reminded himself as he contorted himself into the seat, at least it's better than the bus. He sat in the middle of the bench, legs awkwardly spread apart, but it was the only way he could fit semi-comfortably.

“Any interesting developments today?” Mike questioned as Beverly readjusted the seat for herself.

“Eh, same old. Little fucker called me ugly, I told him 'at least I don't iron my jeans'.”

“Noice,” Bev exclaimed, swinging the door shut. The engine revved to life again and Mike pulled out onto the road. “Yeah, would have been pretty good. Except I didn't actually say it while he could hear me, so it's fucking wasted,” he huffed, slumping back into the seat, not that there was much room to do so.

“Nah, just save it for next time,” she replied, shooting him a toothy smile over her shoulder which he returned.

“Sadie's for breakfast?” Mike asked, and Beverly made a noise of excitement, sitting up in her seat.. “Hell yeah, we have time?”

“There's always time for Sadie's, miss Marsh,” Richie remarked, leaning forward over the centre console.

Sadie's was a small, relatively popular fast food joint in town. An unsuspecting visitor would undoubtedly be discouraged when entering; the establishment was cramped and borderline claustrophobic, the purple and white clad employees were always abrupt and rude, the floors were sticky and the tables hardly ever clean, and the food was downright awful and way too overpriced. But everyone knew you didn't go there for the service, or the food, or the atmosphere, or any of that crap. No, you went to Sadie's for the shakes. Those vanilla shakes were what kept the damn place in business, and for good reason. They were heaven, a perfect balance of flavour and consistency. Anyone who ever had one would tell you that it was the best thing they had tasted in their entire lives. No one could figure out how to recreate it, either, and not through lack of trying. No matter what people did, how closely they watched through the narrow window into the kitchen as they were being prepared, how many different variations and measurements and methods they tried, nothing was ever as good. It was almost magical. Richie and his friends probably went through over twenty a week between the four of them -the three in the car, plus Stan, though he often unfortunately missed out on their impromptu snack runs due to him refusing to ride in Mike's car.

They arrived just under ten minutes later. The restaurant was situated between two other buildings, looking almost like it was shoved in there at the last minute, and there wasn't actually anywhere to park. Bev quickly hopped out and gave a two fingered salute before marching inside, and Mike began to drive around the block, as he would do multiple times as they waited for Beverly to retrieve their order. The two of them sat, the radio filling the gaps in the comfortable silence between them.

“And coming up next,” the voice on the station hummed as the song faded out, “to brighten your drive to work on the glorious Monday morning; a hit from Katrina and the Waves-”

“-Oh god.”

Mike laughed as Richie lurched forward, his fingertips just barely brushing the radio dial before Mike grabbed his wrist with one hand and keeping the other on the wheel. The drumbeats faded in. Richie felt like he might cry. “Fucking hell, Hanlon, please don't make me listen to it,” he pleaded, sounding so genuinely desperate that it only caused the other to smile wider. “Aw why? Don't you like this song?”

“You know damn well I do no- watch the road, man!”

Mike swore under his breath and swerved back into his own lane, not letting up his grip on Richie's wrist despite his squirming.

“Driver picks the music, Rich,” he jeered, shoving Richie backwards. He fell back with an exaggerated groan, letting his head roll back against the edge of the seat. The lyrics started, and Mike started to sing along, or at least tried to. It quickly became clear that he didn't know any of the words.

“You suck,” Richie hissed, though it lacked any real heat.

“I know,” he returned, flashing a smile in the rearview mirror. It was so innocent looking and contagious that Richie had to bite back one of his own. Damn it Mike, Richie thought, why'd you have to be so pretty, huh? Cut me some slack here.

They went around the block twice before they spotted Beverly standing on the curb. In that time Richie did his best to block out the song, and the one after that, though the second one didn't make him want to rip his hair out nearly as much. He could only thank god that Mike wasn't one to blast his music at a ridiculous level.

Bev swung down into her seat, carefully balancing the cardboard cup tray on the centre console before shutting the door and doing up her seatbelt.

“Alright, pay up. 'Dollar seventy five,” she held her hand palm up over her shoulder, directed towards Richie. He dug around in his pocket and came up with a crumpled bill and a quarter, and placed it in her hand. “I owe you fifty cents,” he said, reaching forward to snatch one of the drinks. He had to stop himself from straight-up moaning as he took a first sip. “Holy fuck.”

“Mhm,” Bev hummed in agreement, lips wrapped around her own straw.

“Oh my god, Bev,” Mike said abruptly, “you'll never guess what came on the radio.”

Tag list (bolded won’t tag):  @fanficisgoodforthesoul @i-is-gazebo @dandeliontozier @panicatbakerst @howellhxlic @musicalsaftermusicals @bernaynay @bust-a-move-bev @reddie-to-go @richietoaster @omgboiledcabbages @reddietofall @flowersiren @lousytrashmouth @get-fcking-reddie

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

1

Now, Eren wasn’t stupid. Sure, he’d done a lot of stupid things, over his 27 years on the planet, that’d landed him in the position he was in now, but he wasn’t stupid. He had a job he took pride in. A roof over his head. A wrench in his hand. His headphones on. And as he wasn’t stupid, he held next to no interest in getting involved with his bosses illegal fight club run in the back of the garage workshop every Friday night. No. He wasn’t that dumb. Had he had the choice, Eren wouldn’t have been working over time, but unfortunately with money came next to no patience. The car beneath his hands worth more money than he’d ever make in his life. The owner absolutely had to have his car back from some kind of rich alpha business in the morning... Whenever they could drag themselves in after their champagne breakfast with an extra servicing of coke on the side... or put more accurately, they came stumbling in, yelling, when their precious chauffeurs dropped them off.

Leaning back, Eren wiped the sweat off his brow, throwing a filthy look towards where tonight’s fight was happening. Blood already clung heavily to the air. Too many alphas would do that, and the men fighting were fighting for next to no money. The winner could expect a face filled with broken teeth and maybe a few hundred to their name. All this fighting bullshit starting long before he started work at the garage, but for him to personally see it, this maybe the twice or third time. Fortunately overtime generally happened in preparation for the weekend, the garage owner tried not to have such rowdy alphas around cars worth upwards of a quarter of a million dollars. The piece of shit alpha who ran the garage shoving this into his lap as he was preparing to walk out the door for the day. The man bullshitting about going home to his family, even now Eren could see him standing there screaming at whoever he’d backed. Whatever, he’d get what was coming in time. Turning his attention back to the radiator, he was close to being able to get out of there that he could taste it. First came double checking the hose clamps, then filling the radiator and doing a pressure check. Maybe two more hours and he’d finally be free to enjoy the weekend... Fucking finally.

All of that, and now Eren was pressed to say just how things had taken a turn.

Leaving the garage, he’d damn near tripped over the figure sitting by the back door. Face bloodied, hand badly wrapped, alpha pheromones pouring off him, despite the slight figure of the slumped man. No. He wasn’t going to help him... Not until the man groaned, hand moving to his ribs under Eren’s wide eyed gaze. He knew he was fucked if the alpha was packing a gun... Now was not the time to be pausing instead of passing by

“Oi. Shitty, brat... got a light?”

“Who are you calling a shitty brat?”

“The tall lanky shit stain standing there, looking down on me like in goddamn infectious. Didn’t your Mumma teach you it’s rude to stare?”

“Didn’t yours teach you it’s rude to bleed out on the back step of someone’s shitty garage?”

Snorting at him, the stranger seemed genuinely amused

“Tch. Sorry to offend, I’ll be sure to drag my bleeding fucking arse out of here before your boss catches me”

Eren’s mother had worked behind bars for as long as he could remember. Some of the best advice he’d ever gotten came from drunks at the bar. The more they swore, they more honest they were. Ugh. He was going to regret this when he wound up murdered in the morning. At 6ft, he wasn’t exactly short, nor was he weak, but even he knew a gun or a knife would make work of his lanky arse in no time if he was sleeping

“Can you stand?”

“What?”

“Can you stand?”

Tilting his head back, the stranger stared up at him. Narrow grey eyes, bruising on his lip, and a look that questioned what the fuck Eren was on about, as he scowled. The man older than him, yet kind of interminable when it came to a clear age

“Look, if you’re trying to get into my pants, you can fuck right off”

Glaring down the scowling, Eren had no time for this. The air was getting chilly, his bed calling, and his mood already annoyed, bordering snappy. An angry alpha brought out the worst in him, and this wanker wasn’t helping his own cause

“I’m not so lonely as to stoop to scooping trash out the gutter. Your hand’s busted and your face looks like the wrong end of a dog, I’ll give you a place to crash then you can crawl back into whatever roach motel you call home come morning”

“What-the-fuck-ever. You got scotch at your place?”

“I don’t know, you going to let me fix your busted hand so I don’t have to have your death on my conscious?”

“I guess it’s better than dying in this filth”

Ignoring Eren’s hand, the strange alpha climbed fo his feet, hand clutching at his side. Only a moron would come to a fight club where everything was rigged. Watching the stranger limp forward, Eren gave a shake of his head. What the fuck was he doing? His mother would be glaring down at him from heaven for the latest of his stupid choices.

*

Levi didn’t know what the fuck he was thinking climbing onto the back of a strangers motorcycle. The lanky shit pestering him until he felt obligated to go home with him. His initial feeling was that the man was both unfairly tall, and most probably an idiot. Anyone working for a boss as crooked as the kid’s, had to be lacking in the intellectual department. Still, he wasn’t in the position to complain. A man had to wipe his own arse, and when there were bills to pay, he could only go where the work went.

Wincing as the stranger ground the gears, Levi ignored every fibre of his being. He was fucking filthy. Assaulted by germs, and the helmet wedged over his head held countless drops of sweat from its long haired owner. When the stranger offered no name, Levi wasn’t in a hurry to offer up his. If he did turn out to be some sort of creep, that just wanted a quick fuck, it was better not to know his name. No one in this world did anything for nothing. A lesson crammed down his throat his whole life. Maybe he’d finally find some kind of excitement in the otherwise stagnant monotony of working his arse off to pay his bills until he died.

Zipping through the city, the kid had no fear of fear as he wove in and out of the nighttime traffic. The ride a solid 20 minutes, anything that might have been said lost to the sound of the motorcycle, not that either of them seemed in any rush to utter a word. All he’d wanted was a damn cigarette before calling for a lift, now he was willingly let himself be kidnapped... his friends would never let him live it down, not that he had all that many friends to begin with.

Pulling up into a parking space barely large enough for his motorcycle, the stranger let out a long sigh, Levi mentally echoing it as he pulled his borrowed helmet off. If the parking around the apartment building was anything to go by, the place was a dump, only cureable by burning the whole lot to the ground. Various car, some in pieces, sat sadly. Car parts piled up against the far wall of the parking garage

“Can you walk?”

Growling at the stranger, Levi could walk perfectly fine. A few busted ribs hadn’t killed him yet. Though the amount of germs in this hell hole just might. His alpha equally annoyed at their surrounds

“Tch. You live in a dump”

“It’s got four walls and roof, what the fuck else could I possibly need. If you’re done sitting on my bike, follow me up”

Led inside the apartment complex, the ancient elevator didn’t work. Flecks of once cheerful forest green and cream white paint peeled from the walls, gone possibly decades without any form of basic maintenance. The building owner obviously a stingy bastard that couldn’t even spare $5 for new fucking lighting over each landing.

Four flights of stairs later, Levi hated to admit he was working up a sweat. Not once had the strange man who’d dragged him here looked back over his shoulder to enquire into his condition. For someone who’d decided he was “helping him”, Levi couldn’t be sure he didn’t intend to kill with all these damn stairs. Secretly he was sure more than one unfortunately citizen had expired on these damn stairs. Pausing to catch his breath, the break in his steps finally caused the mysterious stranger to cast a glance back at him

“Don’t worry, I’m down the hall. 104”

Biting down a hard “fuck off”, Levi grit his teeth, aggravating his split lip. He must be getting old. A split lip, knuckles bust from bare knuckle fighting, and damn bruised ribs. He’d come this far, going back down seemed like too much damn effort. Normally he’d go to his... Levi hesitated to use the word “friend” when the woman was a fucking menace verging on “mad scientist”, with a mouth on her that’d rival any alpha, yet calling said friend right about now would mean he’d never hear the fucking end of it from her. A man needed to pay his fucking bills, and she lived in goddamn “lala land”. What pile of shit he had gotten himself into this time?

[jeon-97-blog]

Grind Till I Own It || Mafia!Jeon Jungkook x Reader [M] Pt. 1

Summary : Jeon Jungkook is the son of the famous mafia gang TBB (The Black Base) and is a filthy rich man that gets whatever his finger points at - that includes even you.

Rated [M] for eventual smut/angst

You’d like to think that you were a flower amongst the thousands of sweaty bodies grinding on each other. A pure flower. If it wasn’t for your complete opposite best friend you wouldn’t even step foot in this whatever club, but of course she worked her magic on you and here you were. Here you were, quietly sipping on your beverage while the taste intoxicated you more and more each second that slipped away.

“If I were you - I’d slow down with that drink" 

You heard a man chuckle, accompanied by the sound of wiping glass. 

"They’re known for turning good girls into bad girls”.

You paused, letting his words melt in your brain before you raised your glass, a smirk painted on your pink tinted glossy lips.

“What makes you think I’m a good girl hmm?” You slurred, surprised the words could roll off your tongue despite your boozy state. You earned another chuckle from the bartender, he shook his head in - not disbelief but amusement in which he looked up at you with a grin.

“How come such a rebellious girl like yourself be alone in this dark place?” He mused. “Where’s your prince charming? Shouldn’t he be here and shield his princess?” Your eyes traveled to his name tag and made out his name as Jin.

“Well Jin” You started, downing the whole thing with a hiss at how the liquor burned your throat. You liked Jin, he had a way with his words that made you want to listen to him more - it was like his words hypnotized you to keep talking to him, guess that is the reason for him being the bartender. “This princess doesn’t need a prince charming, she’d rather have another drink though” You grinned, the corners of your lips stretching from cheek to cheek.

“Of co- Shit”

Jin caught you off guard with the sudden way he hissed. His eyes were wide as if he’d just seen a ghost pop up in front of him, it made your head spin around and holy fuck.

It wasn’t a ghost that had taken over both of your and Jin’s eyes - it was a God.

His ebony hair was neatly parted on each side, exhibiting his smooth forehead to the whole world. His three-piece suit was equally as black as his hair, though his tie was a haunting cherry red which made his chest pop up a bit. His eyes were sharp and alluring, he could probably turn anyone who laid their eyes on him a stone statue in seconds. This guy was attractive yes, but what wasn’t as attractive as himself was the half naked girls who had their arms snaked around his - maybe you were just jealous?.

You turned to Jin, your mouth hung open

“Who the fuck is that?”

Jin snickered while returning a few glasses that were wrapped around his fingers, he could clearly see that this was the first time you’ve ever seen him and it made Jin’s snicker turn into a low laughter. “Like what you see?”

You felt your cheeks heat up together with your hammering heart. You turned around, hoping that you’d catch another mesmerizing glimpse of the man in the suit but you frowned when it looked like he had vanished somewhere out of your sight. With a sigh of disappointment you proceeded to stand up, catching Jin’s attention.

“Leaving already? You’re about to miss the best part”

This perked up your attention and your head cocked to the side, your brows crushed together curiously while your arms were crossed above your chest. “Best part?”

Jin nodded, removing the egg white apron that was tied about his waist. He waved his hand in an excused manner to his - you guessed boss - and he motioned you to follow him. While walking, you noticed how Jin was familiar with almost all the people in the bar, it made you a tad bit jealous only knowing your best friend who was probably drunk with some guy. A smile played at your lips, knowing how she’d act the next day and how amusing it was to watch her walk with a chocolate bar in her mouth while yelling ‘asshole’ to the wall.

“So” Jin began, startling you a bit. “Let me tell you a little bit about The Black Base - or TBB in short. The guy you saw before is the son of the most famous mafia gangs around town, they’re so rich that rumors say his dad bathes in money” Jin explained, raising his head to greet the people that passed him.

“TBB? But what’s he doing here? Shouldn’t he, like, work or something?” You asked, flattening the tight black dress that hugged your curves a little too tight for your taste.

Jin laughed. “Work? The guy is born with a silver spoon in his mouth, work is the least thing he worries about” He paused. “If he even does have any worries”.

This guy sounded like a complete jerk to you and you haven’t even met him yet.

Jin had taken you to what looked like the more rich part of the bar. All the men wearing suits and tall glasses of expensive champagne hung from their hands. Filthy rich bastards You thought as you and Jin sat down on a round table, Jin gently nudged your leg, nodding to the left. His expression screaming 'look over there’ with a smirk.

And so you did.

And there he was.

“Wait- what’s his name?” You furiously looked back at jin, who was just smiling.

“Jeon Jungkook” Jin said. Ah, even his name sounded like rich dirt to your ears.

He looked as fine as before, not a single wrinkle had taken over his black suit and it looked like he had switched girls - huh, what a player You thought as you rolled your eyes over this strange feeling that bubbled in your stomach. Anger mixed with a drop of jealousy.

“Looks like they’re playing pool this time” Jin said, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Aah Jin! My man”

Your heart was about to explode.

Jungkook was standing right next to Jin with a sly smirk, his body leaning comfortably with the support of his elbow on Jin’s shoulder. Jin chuckled.

“Hey, another game I see? Can I count on you if I bet you’ll win?”

Jungkook laughed. His laughter was loud and obnoxious, filling the whole room with it. You frowned because it muffled the song which happened to be your favorite one, damn was he loud.

Suddenly, his eyes pierced through your body and you forgot to breathe for a moment. His knife like eyes carved a hole in your heart and you shifted uncontrollably in your seat, rubbing your legs together to distract you from looking back at him - but you fell into his trap and looked.

“And who’s this”

It didn’t even sound like a question to you, it sounded more like a demand. His confidence shone brightly, and the way his eyes traveled from your eyes to your lips and further down made your heart flutter. You mentally scolded yourself for letting this jerk shake up your fragile heart, worst part is that you kind of liked how his attention was on you for the time being.

“Oh!” Jin lit up like a Christmas tree, he grinned at the way your cheeks were turning into a strawberry like shade. “This is Y/N, we recently met but I do consider us friends already”.

Jungkook raised a brow, his smirk more prominent than before. He - just like everyone else - had his hand occupied with a transparent glass of Champagne, the yellow fluid crashed from side to side as he swung his glass in a slow pace. Jungkook hummed in response.

“You seem to always befriend the most ethereal ones, Jin. No wonder they say you have a keen eyesight” He playfully nudged Jin’s shoulder, laughing.

You covered your mouth, unsure of how to reply to such a compliment. Not unsure - too embarrassed was the word. You were amazed at how easily this guy could compliment someone, let alone a complete stranger. He was probably blinded by his narcissism, jerk.

Jin shrugged. “This is Y/N’s first time here, I hope you show her what great games they display here, so she maybe can come again” Jin gained a laughter from your lips, Jin was definitely better than this jerk, he was more careful and gentle while Jungkook just cut to the chase. Painfully. 

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N” Jungkook tapped his chin each time he said your name, still smirking. “I like it” He caught your sight and winked before walking over to another table, making your heart jump up at the sudden way his eyes scanned you - as if you were the prey that his stomach growled for.

God, but he was so fucking attractive you patted yourself for not being like the other girls who would’ve thrown themselves on him a long time ago.

“Y/N! The game is about to start” Jin said and clapped his hands in excitement, his eyes were glued to the pool table and you followed his glance, your own eyes landing on the same table as your bartender friend. You tried to suppress a giggle at how Jin was shaking from being too excited - it was actually kind of cute.

“C'mon Jungkook, don’t let me down!” Jin shouted when Jungkook came out with a cue stick, he was waving to Jin but then his eyes were on you again. 

You gulped.

Why is he looking at me? You thought, chewing on your bottom lip nervously.

Jungkook looked focused and it honestly took you in surprise. How could this player be so dedicated to something when he couldn’t even stick with one girl? You shook your head, trying to get the poisonous thoughts out of your head and maybe, just maybe you could watch this game.

You were at a loss for words, completely shocked at how this game had ended - Jungkook had won five games in a row now. You couldn’t even imagine the money he had gotten from just one game. Your attention was focused on the people behind you who were whispering about both Jungkook and TBB.

“His father is rather lucky, even though he only has two months left”

Your eyes went wide when your mind finally digested what the man behind you had just said. You barely knew Jungkook but how come your heart felt as if it got hit with a hammer just now? Was this pity? Worry?.

You looked at the ground for a moment before Jin called your name, causing you to look up. 

“Jungkook said he was inviting us for a few drinks! You coming?” He smiled at you, showing off his pearly white teeth while his hand grabbed yours and without any sort of answer - he lead you to a table. 

There he was again, looking so incredibly handsome that you were afraid that if you touched him you’d burn yourself. 

“Ah! Jin, Y/N glad you could join me” Jungkook grinned, his tone low and raspy from all the alcohol he had poured down his throat  "Sit down, sit down".  

So you both sat down and Jungkook grabbed Jin’s glass, filling it with the same champagne as before and then moved on to yours. 

“Can you handle it, kitten?" 

The nickname he just gave you made a shiver travel down your spine and onto your toes, you couldn’t help but curl them underneath your heels. 

You mimicked his signature smirk

"Are you trying to intimidate me?" 

Jungkook chuckled, pouring down the gold liquid until your whole glass was mid full, you noticed how he seemed to sneak glances at you - but honestly, you didn’t mind at all.

Jeon Jungkook was sneaking glances at you anyway. 

"So” Jungkook began, leaning back on his chair, toying with his Rolex watch for awhile before your eyes met again. Something about his stare told you that you’re in danger, it was alarming. The way his eyes seemed to bore into your own created a spell in which you could not escape, no matter how much you wanted to avoid his stare, and how much you struggled; you were trapped. 

“Who’s the lucky one hm?”.

You drew your eyebrows together in confusion, your mind blank for awhile before you finally prepared your reply.

“No one” You simply said, tasting the drink in your glass. “My best friend wanted me to come, so, I did”. 

God. He was just sitting down and you still thought it was the hottest thing you’ve seen, what spell did he posses that made you feel like this? You were a deer and he was the beast in this game, and just like his other games - he was winning. 

Jungkook rubbed his chin, letting the words that came out of your alluring lips melt in his brain which seemed to be clouded with only you. He leaned forwards, hands clasped together and elbows on the table. 

Jin suddenly spoke up.

“Shit, the boss is calling for me” He said and stood up. “Enjoy yourselves” Jin flashed a weak smile before he vanished and you were left with Jungkook.

Alone. 

“Y/N”

Your head - as if you had no control over your actions - spun to the direction of Jungkook’s voice from where Jin had left. You gulped when he suddenly abandoned his seat and proceeded to sit next to you, Jungkook moved too swiftly for your eyes to even register what just happened - or how it even happened.

“I seem to take quite an interest in you, you’re.. Mmh  He paused to think, while doing this you found his arm wrapped around your waist and he was slowly pulling you to his body.

"You’re different my dear” Jungkook smirked, placing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

You shivered at the touch, cold yet it still had a burning flame dancing underneath his fingers, and it traveled all the way up to your neck.

“I-I am?” You gulped for the second time.

Jungkook chuckled. “Did you just stutter? Never knew bad girls could do that”.

Chewing on your bottom lip as if it was your last meal, you connected your legs together in order to conceal how nervous you were but of course - he found out rather quickly.

“Well” You straightened your back, emptying the glass. “You said I’m different, no?”

It was Jungkook’s turn to chew on his lip. He raised one eyebrows and huffed in nothing but amusement. He was pulling on your strings so you decided to pull his - was it working? God knows if. 

“You’re right - you are different” Jungkook said, rubbing his hand on your exposed thigh, slowly as if to tease you. “So different that it makes me want to have you all to myself” A dark chuckle made its way from his mouth and you felt his finger ghost around your panties. 

“Ah-”

You moaned out softly when Jungkook hit your wet core, rubbing it a bit too roughly - but then you liked it at the same time. You were just scared because fuck, you and him were both drunk, what if regrets crash down the next day?. 

“Princess, I really wanna get you out of that dress” Jungkook whispered, his hot breath laced with the smell of alcohol hit your neck and holy shit you wanted to get out of it too but you were drunk? Half of the time you didn’t even know what you were saying, shit could go down real fast.

“W-Wait, I’m drunk, you’re drunk. I don’t think this is a good idea, really.” You exhaled, wanting to deny how painful it was when his fingers left your panties. “Besides, you can get any girl you want here, how about that huh?”.

Jungkook was so fucking amused. You were putting on a good ass show right in front of him and it had been a long time since he felt something like this. Sure, he could get anyone he wanted but there was no one who could replace the flames in the pit of his stomach which he got from you. Jungkook wanted you and he will get you - no matter what but he had to play out your cards first, that’s just how the game goes right?.

Jungkook put his hands up in surrender, grinning. “My bad, my bad.  You’re right, but then again” He brought his face so close to yours that your noses brushed together. “I wouldn’t mind fucking you drunk”.

Your face was probably burning in different shades of pink and red. You were about to say something but then you heard the familiar voice of your best friend, and you couldn’t express how happy you felt to see her face. 

“Y/N I-” Your best friend, Seulbi came into view and once she saw you and Jungkook, she closed her mouth shut. Your eyes screamed 'I can explain’ but before you could do anything Seulbi grabbed your arm and yanked you out of the seat. 

“Ah! Seulbi!” Jungkook lit up, clasping his hands together. “Nice to see you again! Whoa, look at you! Seems like you’re doing good without me”.

You looked at your best friend, the corners of your lips curved downwards and now it was Seulgi’s eyes that screamed 'I can explain’. You looked at her and then Jungkook, then back at her.

“You know him?!”

“I- Well, we were something before. But trust me, I’m helping you over here by getting the fuck away from this, this asshole” Seulbi angrily said, her eyes cutting through Jungkook, every word that levitated from her mouth was wrapped up with pure hatred - like a gift from hell itself. 

“You never told me about him” You said sternly, letting your arms limp by your sides. You weren’t exactly mad at her, but there was something inside of you that made your stomach churn in displeasure. 

“Y/N, let’s go, he probably tried something on you didn’t he? God, here I’ll-" 

"Let go, Seulbi" 

Seulbi’s eyes widened. She’d seen you angry plenty of times before but this was something else - something more than just being angry. She could almost see the heat from your head in front of her eyes and it made her feel heartbroken, you two had been best friends for so long. Seulbi didn’t want this to end. 

No. 

Not like this. 

"Y/N, seriously? Don’t trust this guy, and I’m saying this from experience” Seulbi said, her voice soft and gentle yet still had something in it that made you scoff. “Get away from him" 

"Seulbi, honey, dear. Can’t you see what you’ve done? Can’t believe you kept me a secret from your best friend” Jungkook said mockingly, hands behind his back while he strolled in circles around you two. 

Jungkook mingled around you for a moment, leaning in to whisper into your ear. 

“What kind of best friend does this huh?" 

You knew that he was just talking bullshit to get you on his side. But then again, you still couldn’t believe that she lied about Jungkook. 

Couldn’t believe that she slept with one of the richest men just to have everything her finger landed on. It tore you apart. That explains why she never lends her clothes to you, because if Seulbi did - then her sugar daddy that is standing right beside you wouldn’t be her sugar daddy anymore. 

"Now I know. Now I know why you didn’t let me borrow your clothes, because your contract with 'JK daddy’ would get terminated” You snapped at Seulbi, making her step back. “Right?!”. 

You never yelled at Seulbi. Not even when she did something wrong, or when she broke something, but this. This was another story. A story that almost made you burst into tears because of how ridiculous it was. 

“My, my. I would certainly not call this a friendship, Seulbi, dear, how could you?” Jungkook cooed softly, his words felt like cotton in your ears and it made your heart jump. 

“Y/N, come with me”

You didn’t know what happened - or how it happened. But Jungkook was dragging you around the bar until the fresh air of the outside world hit you. And it was then that you finally exploded into small, transparent drops. Your tears rolled down your cheeks and this made Jungkook’s heart ache for the first time in awhile. He had never seen someone look so miserable but at the same time so captivating while they cried. 

Jungkook felt himself almost crying seeing you like this. Your cheeks puffy and sore, eyes slowly melting into a deep scarlet. The way your lips quivered with grief made him want to kiss the pain away but he stopped himself, noting what you said before about the two of you being drunk. But Jungkook couldn’t just let you stand there, couldn’t let you get drenched in the rain that started to pour down as if someone was pouring down water from a bucket. 

“Here, let me” Jungkook cleared his throat before shrugging off his jacket, wrapping it around your bare shoulders so you wouldn’t get cold. Jungkook grabbed his cellphone from the pocket and pressed a contact, bringing the phone close to his ear. 

“Jimin, its urgent - you know what to do” He simply said before putting the electric device back where he took it from. 

You didn’t know what to feel, or how to feel. The only person who you thought could be there for you had been deceiving you and hurting you in secret. As if playing hide and seek but now you found the truth and you ended her game, and you were positive that another round wouldn’t come sooner. 

“Forget her, yeah? You have to erase people like that from your life” Jungkook said, looking up at the dark sky. His hair was damp and it shone in the moonlight, emphasizing on his sharp and handsome features. This man was without a doubt God’s creation. He was elegant, and the white shirt that was getting wet in the rain gave you a sneak peak of how he’d look shirtless. Fuck, he looks so good like this. 

In less than a few minutes later the sound of a car pulling over was heard and Jungkook grabbed your hand, opening the door for you and you sat down. Sighing while removing the jet black jacket from your shoulders, you folded it neatly - considering how expensive it looked. 

“And who’s the princess this night" 

You heard a soft voice ask, looking up you were met with a pair of eyes that were harsh yet the little fat under them represented youth. The driver - who you assumed was Jimin - viewed you from the mirror and he looked quite attractive even though you only saw eyes and a glimpse of carrot colored strands. 

"No time for foolish games Jimin, the princess got her heart shattered into pieces” Jungkook uttered coldly. You guessed these two were great friends after you observed how Jimin’s eyes disappeared into small crescents, a chuckle escaping his rather plump lips. “Yes sir" 

"W-Where are we going?” You weakly asked, surprised at how your voice was able to still give a sound after crying. 

Jungkook smiled kindly your way. “My place" 

[the-tardis-in-221b-baker-street]

I'm gonna go ahead and answer all of these at once because I have no chill! Also going to put this as a keep reading because it's so long I don't want people to have to keep scrolling forever haha

1. Your favourite Young One? That's impossible to do! Vyvyan might just scrape the top spot. Rick and Neil are extremely close. I do love Mike still though (Sorry Mike!)

2. Are you more like Richie or Eddie from Bottom? I want to say i'm like Eddie because sometimes the stuff he does is a MOOD and he is ever so slightly more with it than Richie, but mentally when it comes to Richie's panicking, i'm Richie.

3. Do you have Bachelor Boys or any other books by Rik or Ade? UMMM do you mean my holy grail?! Of course I have The Bachelor Boys! I also have Neil's Book of the Dead (which made me love him even more as a character). I'm on the lookout for the lads other books.

4. Your favourite Comic Strip? Now that's tough. I can narrow it down to a few. I've not seen all of it yet due to not being able to get hold of the later ones. But out of the ones i've seen, up at the top: Bad News Tour/More Bad News. My favourite heavy metal mad lads! Pure genius writing, amazingly put together, bangin' music. The Beat Generation. You get innocent, desperate petal Ade, flamboyant Dawn French, just here for the paperwork Nigel, and sulky, 'woe is me' Rik. Dirty Movie. I cannot begin to tell you how hard I laughed at this one. It's so well written and excellent use of prop comedy. You can always tell the episodes Rik and Ade wrote because they are of such a high quality in writing and piecing together. Honourable mention: Eddie Monsoon: A Life?, Susie, A Fistful of Travellers' Cheques and Mr Jolly Lives Next Door.

5. Your favourite episode of The Young Ones? I mean it's got to be Bambi, right? Or maybe Interesting for the party... or maybe Flood... I don't know damn it!

6. Rank these Ade characters: Vyvyan Basterd, Eddie Hitler, Eddie Catflap, Adrian Dangerous and Vim Fuego.

1 - Vyvyan Basterd (of course that damn punk will be at the top) 2 - Vim Fuego (what can I say, he talks the talk and stupidly, drunkenly walks the walk for me!) 3 - Eddie Hitler (The immortal being himself. Seriously, how is he not a corpse?!) 4 - BOTH Eddie Catflap and Adrian Dangerous go on the same spot together. It's too hard to choose between the world's worst minder and the human cannonball.

7. Have you seen the episode of Hardwicke House featuring Rik and Ade? I have not, I didn't know that existed haha

8. Your favourite guest star in Filthy, Rich and Catflap? I think Barbara Windsor might be my favourite. Not only just because she's TV royalty but because of what Ade tweeted out once: "Babs was once in Filthy, Rich & Catflap which was filmed in front of a live audience. There was a tech fault, the lights went off and they couldn’t get them back on. Babs pipes up: “It’s alright my darlings, we’re all stars - we can fucking twinkle”

9. Have you ever written fanfic or made fanart for any of Rik and Ade's work? I've done a fan art piece for The Young Ones, and I guess you can count recreating Rick's screen accurate badges and Vyvyan's denim vest with screen accurate KISS t-shirt. I'm working on some other fan art... coming soon...

10. Your favourite Dangerous Brothers sketch? I only watched this for the first time recently and what a chaotic trip that was! I loved the babysitting sketch and the dungeon torture scene because of genius prop use.

11. Your opinion on Guest House Paradiso? I bloody loved it! Funnily enough, this is probably the first thing I watched with Rik and Ade in. Back in the first UK lockdown, my flatmate told me about it because it popped up on Netflix and that we were going to be watching it that evening because it was, as he said, "fucking funny". Well, we howled with laughter and I swear I cried laughing! He then went onto introduce me to Bottom and it went from there!

12. Your favourite Rik quote, from real life or a show? First thing that comes to mind: "I wouldn't discuss the colour of orange juice with you, NEIL!"

13. Whose hair is worse: Richie Rich or Richard Dangerous? As gross as both of their hair is, I think Richard Dangerous gets this one. What on earth was he thinking?!

14. Your favourite episode of Bottom? The camping episode is a classic and always makes me laugh. The funfair ferris wheel also makes me laugh so much! And of course the halloween episode. OH it's too hard to pick a favourite!

15. Rik and Ade's most memorable fight scene, in your opinion? It's got to be the bed falling through the ceiling in The Young Ones! It shocked me on a first watch at how dangerous it looked. That coupled with the fact I found out that Rik said to Ade that he was terrified and Ade just said "GOOD!"

16. Your favourite Bottom Live? I've not seen any of the Bottom Live performances yet. (I KNOW!) I'll get round to it though haha

17. Rank these Rik characters: Rick Pratt, Richie Richard, Richie Rich, Richard Dangerous and Colin Grigson.

1 - Rick Pratt (Obviously this snotty nosed gross boy is first.) 2 - Richie Richard (What a disaster of a human, but I love that other immortal being) 3 - Colin Grigson (As much as Colin is a spoilt brat, Bad News wouldn't be Bad News without him) 4 - BOTH Richie Rich and Richard Dangerous because I can't choose between the worlds worst actor and the danger enabler.

18. Do you think the Dangerous Brothers are supposed to be related or is it just a stage name?1 I saw it more as a stage name. (There were several hints that they have/are still getting off with each other off camera so it would be a bit weird if not)

9. Your favourite member of Bad News? I cannot choose between the lads! Vim is so far up his own arse, Colin is snooty and snotty, Den is a dumbass and Spider is a drumming dumbass. But that's the qualities I weirdly love about them because it's written so well.

20. Your favourite Ade quote, from real life or a show? First thing that comes to mind: "I'm very sober and very VERY bored!"

21. Do you have any headcanons linking Rik and Ade's various characters together? I liked the headcanon that Richie and Eddie were Rick's uncles! I also have a headcanon that Vyvyan would have listened to Bad News and would have probably been the one throwing something at Vim at a the concert that's on the album when he yells "THAT FUCKING NEARLY HIT ME!" in Hey Hey Bad News.

22. Your thoughts on the ending of The Young Ones? I mean, it's morbid but a comedic end that I wouldn't expect anything less! I think it would have benefitted from a series 3, personally. BUT, because they said that they were out of ideas, i'm glad they didn't force it.

23. Your favourite series/film/play Rik has done without Ade? Drop Dead Fred! My childhood hero.

24. Your favourite episode of Filthy, Rich and Catflap? I actually love the first episode. Pure genius. And the second episode because The Nolan Sisters was a perfect ending to the episode.

25. Who would win in a drinking competition: Eddie Hitler or Eddie Catflap? I oddly feel like the two Eddie's would go like Tammy and Ron Swanson's Mum drinking to win back Ron in Parks & Rec! It would effect neither of them. However, I reckon they would both end up under the table at the same time.

26. Have you seen The Man Behind The Green Door? I've not, not yet! (I KNOW! Another shocker!)

27. Would you dare go out drinking with the Dreamytime Escorts? Weirdly... maybe one drink...

28. Your favourite series/film/play Ade has done without Rik? I've only seen Ade in one other thing that he's done without Rik that I recall and that's Teenage Kicks. Loveable Dad lad.

29. How did you discover Rik and Ade? Rik and Ade as a duo, was through my flatmate showing me Guest House Paradiso. (See Q11)

30. Pick your favourite Rik and Ade duo. It's got to be Rick and Vyvyan. Love my gross boys.

30 Day Rik and Ade Cinematic Universe(TM) Challenge!

1. Your favourite Young One?

2. Are you more like Richie or Eddie from Bottom?

3. Do you have Bachelor Boys or any other books by Rik or Ade?

4. Your favourite Comic Strip?

5. Your favourite episode of The Young Ones?

6. Rank these Ade characters: Vyvyan Basterd, Eddie Hitler, Eddie Catflap, Adrian Dangerous and Vim Fuego.

7. Have you seen the episode of Hardwicke House featuring Rik and Ade?

8. Your favourite guest star in Filthy, Rich and Catflap?

9. Have you ever written fanfic or made fanart for any of Rik and Ade's work?

10. Your favourite Dangerous Brothers sketch?

11. Your opinion on Guest House Paradiso?

12. Your favourite Rik quote, from real life or a show?

13. Whose hair is worse: Richie Rich or Richard Dangerous?

14. Your favourite episode of Bottom?

15. Rik and Ade's most memorable fight scene, in your opinion?

16. Your favourite Bottom Live?

17. Rank these Rik characters: Rick Pratt, Richie Richard, Richie Rich, Richard Dangerous and Colin Grigson.

18. Do you think the Dangerous Brothers are supposed to be related or is it just a stage name?

19. Your favourite member of Bad News?

20. Your favourite Ade quote, from real life or a show?

21. Do you have any headcanons linking Rik and Ade's various characters together?

22. Your thoughts on the ending of The Young Ones?

23. Your favourite series/film/play Rik has done without Ade?

24. Your favourite episode of Filthy, Rich and Catflap?

25. Who would win in a drinking competition: Eddie Hitler or Eddie Catflap?

26. Have you seen The Man Behind The Green Door?

27. Would you dare go out drinking with the Dreamytime Escorts?

28. Your favourite series/film/play Ade has done without Rik?

29. How did you discover Rik and Ade?

30. Pick your favourite Rik and Ade duo.

Reblog to spread it!

[imaginesnkdorks]

Thank Goodness for Crazy

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |

Part VII: From Dancing in the Woods to Where I Belong

Pairing: Erwin/Reader;

Summary: That time Erwin saw someone in her birthday-suit.

Warning/s: Mention of nudity, and lots of innuendos ;)

 *thump* … - di! … *thump*

*thump* … Andi, - ake … up!

*thump* … I’m coming in!”

 “Andi, it’s almost five. Get up now an- huh? What the?! I’m sorry. I, uh. You weren’t answering!”

“Erwin, get out!!! OUT!”

            That was Erwin. And that was the moment that I lost my dignity – well, sort of. One thing I hate about myself so much is that I’m an early riser. No matter how late I sleep, I almost always wake up at four in the morning. It’s not every day, but it does happen most of the time and today is one of those days.

           Since I was supposed to start training at five, I started prepping the moment I woke up. I spent time mostly on just praying I won’t die, or at least break a bone. And since I got a room with a private bath, I spent the next half hour soaking and washing away my worries. And just when I got out – stark naked as I fucking forgot my towel – in comes Erwin.

           I’ve been dressed for ten minutes now yet I’m still on my bed, fully clothed and fully wrapped by a blanket. I am freaking humiliated. I want the earth to split up and swallow me whole.

           But I can’t spend the rest of my life wallowing. I mean, it was only Erwin.

           “Arrrrrrgggghhh!!!!”

           Alright, you can do this Andi. Just pretend like nothing happened.

           Gathering my strength, I finally left the security and comfort of my bed and trudged to the door.

           “Andi! I was just about to call you again. I, uhh.”

           Shit. First person I saw was Erwin, whom was about to knock on my door. The moment we locked eyes, I couldn’t help but remember his face when he saw me in my birthday suit. I guess he remembered it as well, because this might just be the first time that I ever saw Erwin flustered.

           I can feel my face heat up as my cheeks burn. This is not good. This awkwardness is killing me. Erwin cleared his throat and tried to break our awkward silence with more awkwardness.

           “I was sorry, for uhh. Earlier. I thought you were sleeping. I didn’t see anything. I mean uh,”

           “Let’s just forget about it. Please.”

           “Right. Training. Let’s go.”

           Remember how I used to say silence with Erwin has always been comfortable? I’m guessing it won’t be from now on, though I hope we’ll actually get over it. I should really stop talking about it.

           Our walk to the grounds felt like years. And despite it being really early, there are quite a number of people out. Great, more people to see the clumsy idiot that I am.

           “Erwin? Are you sure it’s a good idea for me to train with everyone? You know I trip on my own feet most of the time.”

           “We won’t be training out here. There’s a training room past the stables.”

           “Erwin! Andi! Where are you two off to?”

           Of all people, it was Hange who saw us. Despite my best efforts, I can’t help but blush involuntarily. Good thing mortification keep my mouth shut most of the time. Thing is, it’s not me I should be worried about.

           “Nowhere – uhh, I mean training. Yes, we’re off to the training hall.” Turns out Erwin is not as composed as he usually is.

           “Okay.” Hange said suspiciously. Her sudden silence is more unnerving than her noisiness. She didn’t say anything else, though she winked at us before running off.

           Thank you Hange, for making this more awkward.

           We continued walking in silence, and soon enough we reached the training room. It’s their version of a gym, as it turns out. Whatever workout equipment they have is in here. I wonder why it’s out here near the stables?

           As soon as we went inside, Erwin had me warm up. While I do the mandatory stretches, he briefed me on my training regimen.

           “Your strength building routine is still the same, we’ll just double your hours. And we will spar, too.”

           “What we’ve been doing all this time is strength building?” I asked whilst stretching my arms. All this time I thought he was just making me do whatever. Turns out he really was teaching me. I should really be more appreciative.

           “Okay. And about this sparring thing you mentioned, you won’t be serious at all right? I mean, you’ll go easy on me?”

           He really should. Wasn’t he the one who has been treating me like I’m breakable? But no. The asshole just laughed at me like I’m some kind of lunatic who said something stupid. Come to think of it, maybe that’s how I sounded to him just now.

           The day went on with Erwin joyfully torturing me. That was a good thing, though. With him being really hard on me and with me resenting him and planning to get him in a headlock, I forgot the events in the morning. Glad to say no awkwardness ensued in our private training time.

           But now that it’s over, I realized how high the sexual tension would’ve been if we weren’t so intent on beating each other senseless. We ended up on top of the other several times, and just thinking about it made me flush. I seriously am running out of synonyms with blush.

           I wish I could just forget and move on.

           “You’ve been awfully quiet today.” Nanaba commented. Dinnertime is noisy as usual, though I’m not joining in the fun. We’re at our usual table, except for Erwin and Mike who are with uncle Keith discussing things about the next expedition. And yes, I’m pretty much used to calling him uncle now.

           “I’m just tired. Erwin is training me really hard for that duel.”

           “Uh! You too? Mike wouldn’t get off my back today as well. He said he was trying to make sure I didn’t skip training for today.”

           “Do we really have to do it?” I know that these past month, I’ve improved my skills and stamina. It isn’t much, but I sure can lift a sack of rice now as easy as lifting a venti cup of my favorite drink. Okay, that’s an exaggeration but I really can lift heavier stuff now.

           But of course, my question is merely rhetorical. The both of us has no say in this, so she just shrugged in answer. But I guess a thought came to her.

           “We could tease those two into fighting!” Nanaba squealed excitedly. Seriously, the things that goes on in her head. My thoughts were probably apparent, because not five seconds after that she went from a ball of excitement to a pouting sour puss.  

           Dinner would have been peaceful if it weren’t for Hange. I don’t know where she’s from, but she’s as filthy as ever. She marched straight to our table and began to eat. I should’ve left while her mouth was stuffed. The moment she practically swallowed everything, her torture began.

           “Nanaba, guess what Andi did today.” The bespectacled brunette tried to intrigue my blonde friend – she even leaned on the table and her voice was curiously quiet for her.

           Before Nanaba could speak, I asked first. I can’t deny, Hange knows how to catch one’s attention. “Whatever do you mean?” I asked cockily. Seriously, I did nothing but torture myself today. Uh, I mean training. Taking a sip from my cup of room temperature water – these cavemen don’t have ice machines – I waited for her tale.

           “Andi and Erwin had an alone time in the woods, if you know what I mean.”

“Pfffeeehhhh!” The water went from my mouth to all over my chest and the table in front of me. Good thing most people were done and out during this time, but there are still some who saw me.

“What the hell Hange! Ugh. Fuck me.” I said almost instinctively as I remove my jacket and tried to wipe my front. Of course by now the asshole is laughing, along with Nanaba. But she wasn’t done, oh no.

           “Meh. But Erwin might.” And the creep winked at me. I knew cussing will bite me in the ass.

           “Hange!” All of the events this morning came flooding back, coupled with the mortification I am experiencing right now, I can’t help but burn up and be as bright red as big, ripe tomato. And it gave them more reasons to laugh, apparently.

           Even though the mess hall was almost empty, the worst people to be left behind are still there – namely Erwin. And all the racket that we’re making only attracted his attention.

           Despite knowing it won’t help my situation, I looked up at where Erwin was seating. We locked eyes and he raised his eyebrows as if asking why, to which I just shrugged. Nanaba and Hange didn’t miss this, so more teasing ensued.

           “I knew he have a soft spot for you. But I wouldn’t think you would go dancing in the woods with him.” Nanaba said, with the excitement of a middleschooler.

           “What? Dancing in the woods?”

           “Oh come on. You know, dancing without pants.”

           I’m frozen in my seat. These two are actually suggesting that me and Erwin are intimate? I am mortified. But as fate would have it, while these two are laughing off their asses, the man they thought I was hooking up with was walking towards us.

           “What happened? You’re wet, Andi.” Stating the obvious, he kindly handed me his handkerchief which I happily accepted.

           “Oh Erwin, it’s your fault that she’s wet.” Hange remarked and she and Nanaba went off in another laughing fit. I just shut my eyes in a feeble attempt to calm myself.

           “What?” Oh Erwin. I don’t know if you really are innocent or just playing stupid sometimes.

           “Shut up guys. And Nanaba? You better train hard. I’ll crush you at our duel.” I then rushed off to my room, with Erwin right at my tail.

           “What was that about?”

           “Just something Hange said.”

           “Oh. By the way, next Sunday there is a ball and commander Shadis wants you to come with us.”

           “Me? Why?” A ball sounds so medieval to my ears. “I’m a stranger, why would he want me there?”

           “Ah, you see this is a fundraiser ball. All branches of the military will be there, hoping that some rich person would sponsor them. And we’re after the same thing. Bringing you along won’t hurt our chances.”

           “So he’s going to sell me? Figures.”

           “No. I won’t let him do that.” I then turned and looked him in the eye, giving him the best death glare I could manage. Sighing loudly, he went on “not sell per se. We’ll just keep them entertained, and remind them that we’re from the survey corps. Besides, they’re harmless. You can flip them anytime you want.”

           “So I’m officially a survey corps soldier?”

           “Yes.”

           In my excitement, I rushed up to hug the man. Boy, am I thrilled! He tensed up, then I remembered I’m still wet and cold. And just when I was about to let go, I felt his arms around me. Despite everything that happened today, this felt nice.

           I’ve been quite happy here, but I felt out of place at times. But today, I feel like I belong.

Copyright © 2017 by imaginesnkdorks. All rights reserved

[theincorrigiblemagpie]

Rishton Ka Chakravyuh (Episode 21) - Down With Baldev OFF With His Head

Aug 30, 2017

So after Baldev says he’ll leave Lal Mahal if Satarupa and Anami stay, Pujan and Co. also say they’ll follow Baldev bhaiya. LOL ghanta. This Dadaji is the WORST judge of character since King Duncan. Bunch of freeloaders will die before they leave.

Vikram is all “Satarupa, I have to choose between you and my family. What would you have done in my place?”

Er...is Satarupa also not family? Even if you don’t acknowledge Anami? #MenAreTrash and you can take that to the bank.

Pujan wants to make sure everything is clear so he tells Vikram that Satarupa and Anami must never have anything to do with this ghar or the business. Yeah, dekhte hai Royal Steel kaise chalta hai Satarupa ke bina, seeing all y’all’s competence levels.

Satarupa agrees to that and then says “mera koi lena-dena nahi hoga but Anami ke liye kuch nahi keh sakte cos this is her haq.”

Bas. Baldev jumps in about nursing a snake and whatnot and Dadaji says Anami will not get one phooti-kaudi. Ek toh, Baldev, you stop watching E! and the Tay-Kanye-Kim feud. Second, wow suddenly apne nalayak bete par itna bharosa, Dadu.

Aaaand Satarupa erupts. She asks Pujan and Baldev what they’ve ever done for the family and business apart from having the fortune of their useless asses being born into this family, whereas she’s toiled and worked and even sacrificed her children to this enterprise. And then she tells Baldev ki woh bhagwan se bhi ladd jayegi for her kids toh Baldev kya cheez hai. I actually paused and rewinded to watch again. She DESTROYS Baldev LMAO. And FINALLY, she says what we’ve been wanting her to say all along-- Baldev and Vikram had lied to her about Narottam being Baldev’s illegitimate son before marrying her so it’s a bit rich for them to harp on about sharam and izzat and whatnot. She says she’ll leave with Anami but they have another thing coming if they think this is the end. Evil Vikram has the grace to look shamefaced.

And then Anju Mahendra speaks up. Uff Juhi (the only other friend I’ve managed to corral into watching this with me) and I were wondering what she was silently doing all along. Gayatri tells everyone to shut it and not make more of a tamasha than has already happened and until they get to the bottom of Anami’s truth, Satarupa and Anami will not go anywhere. Aha!

Satarupa goes to recuperate in Vatsalya’s room which she still keeps locked to everyone else. I’m glad he’s still a part of this show even in death. And then Damo informs her that this is the third day Anami hasn’t eaten.

Anami is asleep with an untouched plate of food beside her and Dadi strolls by to see. She carefully covers her up with the blanket which she’d kicked off and leaves, troubled. Dadi has definitely been won over by that massage-trick. She goes to brood in her own room and I have just one question. Is this purple gown the only nightclothes she has? I’ve noticed everyone in this house wears the same nightclothes every day, more or less. Little bit of a slip up.

Anyway, she tries to tell the despotic fool she’s married to that she senses a resemblance between Anami and Vatsalya, especially in their touch and he tells her that this is all Satarupa’s plan. A SLOW CLAP FOR THIS IDJIT. THAT DADI, PART OF THE SATARUPA SUX CLUB, THINKS ANAMI IS STRANGELY LIKE VATSALYA, IS PART OF THE SAME SATARUPA’S PLAN.

My god, he asks to be assassinated.

He tells her to be strong or whatever nonsense.

In the meantime, Anami wants to bathe at Poonam’s house and Satarupa threatens to bulldoze Poonam’s house if she does. Anami concedes this round but promises to be back for more. Uff I can’t imagine these petty conflicts on a daily basis and Anami’s doing it all on an empty stomach. Props to her. Also, has she not been bathing for 3 days, then? Eww.

Here for the Anami-Poonam bonding, though.

Satarupa goes to see Whiny Manchild aka the Petulant Nincompoop she has the misfortune to be married to and he whines some more. I think the last 7 minutes of this episode were written to see just how much I can loathe a single TV character. Like boss, Baldev reminds me of the most annoying days of Anjali Di on IPKKND, and she at least had her moments. This man has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I guess points to Ajay Chaudhary if I’m meant to loathe Baldev? No points at all if he’s meant to come across as complex and sympathetic. Minus points for that.

Naturally, they start arguing in minutes and it deteriorates to “Vatsalya was MY son and only a power-move for you and uss jangli jaahil ladki ka naam mat jodna uske saath etc etc.” Baldev is a textbook example for the very WORST of old feudal strongholds-- entitled, feels wronged despite his enormous privilege, whines non-stop, won’t lift a finger to make himself a cup of tea (literally), and is a filthy bigot when it comes to those he considers beneath him in class and caste. I make a strong case for the guillotine again.

Satarupa tells him to fuck off and that he’ll love Anami some day and he says he’d kill himself first. LISTEN I’LL PULL THE TRIGGER FOR YOU MYSELF. Anami can do WAY better for a second dad. I mean, that girl has such genuinely terrible luck when it comes to birth parents.

Tomorrow Dadi and Anami bond over Anami’s hair and Satarupa (FINALLY) wants a DNA test for Anami which some lawyer type dude tells her only the CBI can requisition. Hain? Since when? Or maybe it has to do with the investigation? I hope they explain this weird caveat tomorrow. She tries to call Adhiraj but Ila tells her they’re not available that day and Satarupa overhears Adhiraj asking for directions to a Benaras address and is disturbed. Adhiraj actually goes to the Pathaks and wants to record them presumably telling their story.

Umm not to pour water on plans to destabilize Lal Mahal but isn’t this a bit much for an investigation where he hasn’t even conclusively established whether the death was murder or an accident? Just how will the Pathak testimony fit in and this is exactly the sort of extra-judicial stuff the cops (rightly) get shit for.