#like i dont want to rent bc its just money going up someones ass every month but investing in a house loan would Put the money somewhere

[toxooz]

considering more and more abt how straight up buying a house is the best option for me and im

[ofmara]

*record scratch* *freeze frame* yep, that’s me. BVCNJ hey lads ~ i’m ally, i’m twenty2, my timezone is est, i use she/her pronouns & full disclaimer: i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing! just keep that in mind when you read this.. trash lmao. anyways! if u wanna plot, feel free to hmu on d*scord at HE IS SO BIIIIG 😩👌🏼🧡#2581 or yk use the lil chat thing on tumblr if u wanna start small or w/e FDCNK no pressure. moving on..

mara’s pinterest: here!

content warning: ..none?? who am i???

( ariana grande & cis female. ) oh my god look, it’s mara de luca! she is a 24 year old singer/songwriter from queens, new york. they were first associated with the met cartel 3 years ago, and the tabloids are always saying she is so impulsive & irreverent, but their stans on twitter say that she is actually really magnetic & passionate.

first thing’s first.. i haven’t written a coherent intro in a fucking Minute, so i’m offering premature apologies for the shitshow that’s about to follow, especially since i really waited til the last second to type this out even if this blog’s been Done for a week smh ANYWAYS!

ok so! mara is what i like to call ‘a textbook new yorker’ in that she’s Loud, she Loves Her Family and she’s Unapologetically Herself. my character inspirations for her are joey from netflix’s the circle, fran fine from the nanny, molly gunn from uptown girls and a little bit of cher from clueless sprinkled in there ( mainly bcos of this gifset lmao ). since i came up with her a few weeks ago, i really had so many different personalities for her but like.. let’s keep reading to see that literally all of them were apparently Not True ~

she was born into a very tightly-knit family & grew up constantly surrounded by them. she’s got three older brothers, meaning she’s the Baby of the family, so she’s been uhhhhhh doted on all her life! we stan! that said, she’s never known what its like to be on her own, especially considering that her family was right by her side every step of the way as she slowly grew her career from childhood. she got her start singing the national anthem at a knicks game when she was 8 and slowly built from there. her parents were always suuuper supportive and did all they could to help her achieve her dreams, even though they were struggling to make ends meet.

her parents own a small bakery in queens that they started when her oldest brother was little and have been a staple in the city ever since. though they’re a somewhat popular spot for tourists and locals alike, ny real estate isn’t cheap, so paying rent both for the store and their apartment above it has always been a struggle, especially once they started dedicating a good portion of their money to plane tickets and agents and all sorts of necessities mara needed in order for her dreams to come true. the extra expense was difficult on her brothers as well, though they made a point never to complain when they had to get a second or third job to help pay the bills.

ANYWAYS she grew up veryyyy close to her family and the sacrifices they made on her behalf didn’t go unnoticed, so the first thing she did when she finally Made It was buy them a bigger space for their bakery ( since her parents Love working it even if its rough sometimes, buddy ) and a new house so ;) we love a Family First mentality!

HOWEVER!! when mara first moved to LA in like?? 2015 or something?? idk timelines.. but anyways when she first moved to LA she was.. how u say.... Depressed cos like even though she was Living Her Dream as the artist she’s always wanted to be ( she lived in queens w/ her family up until after her first Big Break cos she’s a big time daddy’s girl ) .. she was essentially on her own since her family stayed in nyc :/ yk, where they live? yeah. so she was on her own for the first time... Ever & it was scary and stressful and essentially, she wasn’t doing great mentally or emotionally, even if she put on that *ari vc* fake smile.

that was untiiiiiiil she got her first ~ hollywood boyfriend ~ aka someone famous who helped both with her career and as a salve to the constant loneliness the bitch always feelin. long story short, he didn’t last long, but she Needed to feel Wanted so she got Another ~ hollywood boyfriend ~ until it became, like, Her Thing to Always be attached to someone in the tabloids and the press and on Entertainment Tonight. we love a codependent bitch! that’s also kinda how she got to be part of the met cartel cos she immediately attaches herself fully and completely to everyone she meets & falls a little bit in love with every person who has ever said hello to her, so.. Yeah! most of her friendships were likely formed because she just would not leave them alone ( she’s clingy and needy As Fuck, but she knows she is, so she’s constantly worrying about it aka she’s always wondering if people really like her cos she’s been said to be “too much” and “annoying” by some people who.. weren’t interested in being her friend ) anyways.. feel free to lmk if u want ur chara to hate her cos she will fully have her feelings hurt but still want them to like her cos shes a, say it with me kids, people pleaser ~

its v clear why i thought of joey & fran for inspo ( espeeeeecially fran, now that i think about it: i.e. constantly searching for love, lovingly obnoxious ) but as for why she’s like molly gunn... bitch is uhhh naive as fuck and will trust anyone who is even a little bit nice to her so peep her constantly seeing everyone through rose colored glasses and immediately feeling like her heart is broken when they turn out to be someone completely different lmao! also yk in the little mermaid when ariel was like “but daddy, i love him!” ??? YEAH, that’s mara to a fucking T, m8!

i could quite literally go on and on for hours, but to keep it short and sexy, here’s her stats page & i’ll follow up with a list of some little tidbits of info.. some Quirks, if u will..

she hiccups when she cries & BOY does she cry often BVJNCDKM

cannot cook a single mf thing to save her life? yeah.. her parents wanted to let her work in the bakery but .. she burned everything so she was cashier ;)

can quote the entirety of bring it on: all or nothing & as a segue from that, she is very chatty during movies if she’s with even one other person but Silent when she’s alone

will challenge anyone and everyone to mario kart wii as long as she gets to play yoshi ( she has a vendetta against baby peach )

is Constantly Freezing, so she’s always in thick socks and turns the heat up high when she’s at home

has a cavalier king charles spaniel named piper ( yes, i'm using a fc for her dog )

i’m gonna b p selective with which ari songs she’s released both bc i dont like All of ari’s songs & for character purposes ( rip in peace, sweetener )

is classically trained on the piano and sometimes just plays classical music for fun, making up silly lyrics at parties and whatnot lol she’s just Fun & Quirky like that

owns every season of the o.c. on dvd

she has a car but i havent decided if she ever drives it ( or what kind it is, tho i assure u my virgo ass will be researching it at some point ) since she really just barely passed her driver’s test

is constantly in the tabloids for one dumbass thing after the other mostly as an excuse for me to make tabloid edits but like... i love that for her & will 100% be down to include any and all of u if u lmk u wanna be in one

and many more, but i’m really just sitting here rambling UGH EW so lms for plots cos i’m unprepared & i don’t have any wc’s! very on brand for me, i must say

[z7rkive]

DHAU: What To Know

Hey! its what all of u have been waiting for: more dhau stuff :)

Also!! most of this is by the one powerful braincell @snaxarba and I share hhh,, we’ve both worked hard (lmao not rlly we just screamed at each other sksks) on creating the universe around dhau uwu she’s been a great help aaa please send her love through her inbox! She’s currently writing a fic for this au, so if u got any questions or want a snippet go over to her :))))

Now that that’s out of the way, get ready for a LONG post:

GENERAL INFO

DH = Deathly Hallows

5 members

Fandom name: Hallows

Ages: S.S (26), T.R. (24), D.M. (21), H.P. (21), C.D. (19)

Hyung Line (oldest members) : Prince (Severus Snape) & L.V. (Tom Riddle)

Maknae Line (youngest members) : Draco Malfoy, Seven (Harry Potter), & Zed (Cedric Diggory)

Visual Line (“Faces/Most Handsome” of the group) : L.V., Draco, & Zed

Rap Line (Rappers in the group) : Prince & Zed

Dance Line (“Best” Dancers) : L.V., Seven, Prince, & Draco

Vocal Line (“Vocals of the group) : L.V., Seven, & Draco

Choreo Line (Take part in creating choreography) : Prince & L.V.

OTHER RANDOM INFO:

They work under G.G. Entertainment (G.G.E.) with Dumbledore as the Big Boss

Drarry is the most popular ship among fans

Dispatch is a company that takes photos of idols and tries to expose dating scandals

Dispatch Boss: so r they dating anyone

the hallow stan twt is crazy as fuck lmao

theres so many memes

solo stans are fans who only like 1 member of the group (the person is their favorite) and don’t pay attention to the others/give hate to the rest of DH

antis are just hateful ppl in general, they send lots of hate to either Hallows, one specific member, DH, or just the whole group in general

one time Severus and Harry did a vlive (they haven’t done one in a long time so sevenprince fans were excited! :0)!! Harry’s like, “Sev and I have a great plan for this live! :D” and then someone in the comments just says, “Can we have a different member on vlive please :/ i dont wanna look at both yall ugly mugs lmao” :((

Harry, “Cedric? Ah no he’s not here. Draco? He’s not here either sorry :(. Oh ok, I’ll get Tom for you guys.”

big sad^ :(

ot5 = loving the whole group; EX: “No solo stans allowed!! only ot5 enthusiasts!!!”

it does not mean they all fuck skshs

but All7 means they all fuck harry lmao

there’s this super popular twitter account called “@Sevensfw” and it’s basically just an account that posts bottom harry moans ft other DH members

DH wasn’t that popular before, but a fancam of L.V. dancing blew up on social media, and that got them a lot of attention

there will be lots,,, and lots,, of social media in this fic

we get inspiration from u guys as fans so go off on ur reactions

INFO OF THE MEMBERS UNDER THE CUT :)

MEMBERS

Prince / Severus Snape

Oldest in the group

Prince Stans are called: Robins

Produces most of the songs

Unofficial leader; whenever Harry’s not there he’s automatically in charge and no one questions it

Bat Dad / Goth Daddy

Joined G.G. Entertainment to become a producer but then got stuck with DH

“Nation’s Prince 💞💞💞” - Robins uwu

GENIUS !!!

He’s usually very frowny and makes lots of mean remarks but he’s rlly a soft boy daddy

He, Harry, and Tom are the ones who speak most in interviews

People say he’s lazy because he stays indoors most of the time but!!! He works his ass off helping produce most of the tracks the band makes

AND helps choreograph their dances and help run their big ass dorm

Husband material 10/10

Deep voice mmmm

Big ass softie for their leader

Snape: *makes Harry dance & moan for no reason at all* “all in the name of music.”

He and Harry have been labeled the “Mom & Dad” of DH by Hallows

He and Harry usually discuss big decisions to see what’s best for the group

Only other person he’s comfortable with besides Harry is Tom since they’re closer in age, and work together with choreography

He and Tom are chill buds; the “mature ones of the group”

When he first got into DH, he actually thought Harry was a visual of the group ;)

Harry needs help? Whether it be to get away from Visual Line or just in general Goth Daddy got him 😌

one time he and harry went to another country and couldn’t speak the language, and the waiter thought they were a couple bc of the way they acted around each other so they got a couple discount sksksks

So,, so underrated,,, like please stan this whole ass man

Why wouldn’t you??? like,,, he know how to cook, he humble, he got the tongue technology, husband material, high ass IQ,,, tall, dark,,,, what more can u ask for tbh?

you could also ride his nose lmao but ig thats reserved for Harry

L.V. / Tom Riddle

Visual as FUCK

Has the biggest vocal range; king can go from Deep & Raspy to High & Angelic in 0.001 seconds

One word to describe his voice: soulful

used to be part of the rapline in their early debut days, but for some reason he hasn’t rapped recently?? kows r thirsty pls rap for us again tommy boy,,,

bc of that he’s not “part” of the rapline, so he’s just labeled as a sub-rapper, which means he’s like the backup-backup rapper.

Wanted to be leader and kinda resented Harry for a bit before he met him and now he too, is whipped for Harry

Does not care for personal space, literally just crowds around Harry whenever the fuck he wants

He’s labeled himself as Harry’s personal seat, and is always pulling Harry into his lap

Tom’s never been touchy with others but for some reason Harry is just,,, There. He likes that feeling that Harry gives him whenever he’s around; he’s fascinated about his own actions toward Harry so he’s always trying to explore their physical intimacy

HES GOOD AT EVERYTHING AND HE KNOWS IT; everyone’s just like, “wtf that’s not fair”

Yeah he’s good at everything but he watches anime sksksk 🗿🗿🗿

Lowkey-Highkey dislikes Cedric bc dumb bitch unplugged his computer while he was binge watching bnha & happy go lucky mf named Tom’s fandom KOWs (like cows 🐄), when it was supposed to be Knights of Walpurgis smh

His dance!! His dance sequences always look like fight scenes and it’s the B E S T

Very smooth & quick on his feet

Literally so many fancams of him body rolling

Takes no shit from antis,, they’re not relevant.. only DH & Harry are 😤

Adopts any brand with the initials L.V. And everyone just goes along with it

Tom stans (KOWs) clown pre-debut Tom bc he was gonna have his stage name as “Lord Voldemort” and no one will let him live it down skskks

Was scouted by another agency- that agency asked him to audition for their company but he thought it was a scam; he would’ve been in a diff group if he went

Originally auditioned to G.G. Ent. To become an actor, but changed his mind.

Since he’s also one of the choreographers he’s always trying to make it so he and Harry get lots of skin ship

Draco Malfoy

Harry’s/Ferret’s/Hallows’ sugar daddy no lie

KING OF FANSERVICE

Whatever the fans want? The fans get. Whatever Harry wants? He gets it too.

Draco appreciates his Hallows/Ferrets sm,, he’s always reminding them that they are the ones who keep DH going and that without Hallows they wouldn’t be where they are

He always tries to go on vlive (think: IG live, but better) every 2 weeks even with their busy schedules and just spends time talking with the fans :’)

During concerts he’s interacting the most with everyone, walking around the stage the most so the fans can see him from different views: he’s always trying to make eye contact with them

He’s rich enough he doesn’t have to be an Idol but he still wants to stay ,, he wouldn’t give up DH & Hallows for anything.

also helps with any financial problems the boys have!! they need a place to rent? he got their backs

Center of the group!! This means whenever they’re dancing you’d usually find him in the center/middle position. The center is the one who calls attention to them-self the most and has to make sure their formation looks good; they have to carry the group during a performance. If the center looks bad, then the rest of the group and performance is too.

STABLE AS FUCK VOICE. Do you know how hard it is to dance and sing? At the same time??? Draco makes it so effortless,, when he sings and dances his voice doesn’t shake or waver- It’s stable and whenever he’s doing a live performance his voice sounds like it’s from the actual track

HE LOVES DANCING. Dance dance dance. He joined DH because he really just wanted to dance, he didn’t think he’d be part of the vocal line lmao but ugh king got thru

He & Harry are both 21, and Draco’s always making it a point that he’s older than Harry (only by 2 months!); since they’re the same age, they relate and hang out with each other more. He and Harry usually go out and have “bro-dates”. He talks to Harry abt personal problems n vice versa.

He and Harry always support each other and have formed that bff bond and Draco’s always pulling Harry towards him on stage so Harry will get noticed more (since Harry’s one of the unpopular members, while he himself is veeerry popular)

Antis usually say that Draco doesn’t really have any talent and that he just bought his way into DH with his money and good looks, and that he doesn’t deserve his place as ‘center’ :(

The Confident Gay,,, always slapping that Harry booty.

Cheesy asf,, any chance he gets he always flirts w Harry

Seven / Harry Potter

Best leader 11/10

Always comforting members !! He sings to them to make them happy :)

Main vocal- king can hit that note 😩.

Voice is very calming/lullaby like. Relaxing uwu.

Mother hen lmao,, he’s always worried about his group and how they’re doing

Thighs

Duality king go from 0-10000000 real quick

What a caring bitch I love him

Gives special massages to his members when they feel stressed,, and in turn they help him when he needs to step down from all that leader work.

He’s not really one to do ‘cute things for the fans on purpose’ but when he does he gets really embarrassed,, flustered bb will hide his face behind his hands n cover himself. He’d hide his face in his clothes, on another member’s chest/shoulder, or look at the ground while he stirs in cute embarrassment

Knows the members have some type of fascination with him so he uses that as like a punishment/reward system- “First one to memorize all their lines And choreo gets to go with me to help pick out my clothes.”

Insult his group? Won’t hesitate to cut u with his long eyelashes + sharp tongue lmao

Reassuring Hallows that they’re fine even when they get hate because they have each other,, DH/Hallows is best ship

Blames himself when another member gets hate- he feels like he’s not taking care of his group and he’s trying his best to make them feel not excluded :(

Lil bun bun uwu 🐰Seven Nation !! Stay winning 🤩🤩🤩 Protecc this hard working baby 😩

On stage he’s a force to be reckoned with,, like ugh what a sexy boi hshsh,, but off stage!!! A literal cutie!!!!! Soft & pure

Second half of underrated duo

Built up muscle during debut, but throughout the years/eras he went a bit lax, and since he didn’t have as much muscles since before, he’s gotten a lot of hate :( The members love his squishy cheeks n thicc thighs but antis think he should have a sharper jaw line hhh

oblivious mf,,, he rlly went on a date with a female idol from another company without knowing it was a date hh this boy

actually got in DH because he lost a bet

Zed / Cedric Diggory

Sunshine boy!! ☀️ Literally a ray of happiness in the group,,, always smiling and keeping everyone happy

most popular boy

Chaotic mf,,, in this au he’s the equivalent of the shaggy meme 🗿

Joined DH bc of Harry :’)) He’s gotten offers of joining other agencies but decided to go with G.G. Ent and decline all those offers because he saw Harry sing n dance + had a taste of Harry’s sweet personality when he first met him!! 

Cedric joined when he just turned 15, so Harry and the other members have been raising him for like 4 years :(. He could be a manifestation of all their groups personalities.

Looks up to Harry so much?? He’s Harry’s biggest fan and will literally do anything for him,, Harry’s done so much for him when he was younger that he wants to try and repay his leader by also being there for him :(.

M U S C L E  M A N / STRONG boi

literally harry sat on his back while he did push-ups wtf,, like he doesn’t even get winded if harry runs and jumps in his arms

every hallow who’s been with them since debut (15) to present time (19 going on 20): WHY DID HE GROW UP SO FAST HE HAD CUTE CHEEKS HOW DOES HE HAVE A JAWLINE WTHHHHH

his fandom name: satans

ok like,, cedric used to be a rlly shy boy during the beginning years of debut days and like?? he’s been getting more comfortable and one day he just thought “fuck the agency i do what i want” and he’s so happy now

this is why he’s so chaotic,,, his fandom used to be named “Puffs” but after Cedric’s Big Awakening, the Puffs renamed themselves as “Satans”

“Oh you’re a Hallow, too? Cool! I’m a Robin! :D” “Nice! I’m part of the Satanic cult haha”

earlier i said he was a sunshine but uhhhh

When he’s on stage ohoho,,, damn what a M A N,, like??? spits fire and memes on a daily basis

h a t e s losing,,, “I’m never losing my virginity” “Why??” “BECAUSE I NEVER LOSE”

Harry meanwhile: but u could win me??? 

Cedric is just,, “...” “for the greater good” 

released a solo album called “Spared” (name idea was from L.V. bc Cedric ate his last dumpling; originally wasn’t gonna go with it but Harry liked it lmao)

Spared Title track - “Kill The Spare”

The seventh track on his solo album is called “Septem”, and its basically a song dedicated to Harry and how much he appreciates him as a person, how he’s so thankful to have him and his life,, blah all that mush

Septem = Hedric/Zedven shippers anthem

Cedric has a cool necklace that he always wears and he tells people, “Harry gave me the chain. It had a different pendant but I changed it for this one. It’s the Roman numerals for Seven.” :D

so,, much,, puns its stupid

a crackhead

his whole group is made up of crackheads but he’s the TRUE crackhead  ya feel

this boy is always active on social media im,,, like?? he’s just on vlive talking with the fans and then he’ll show the camera around to where Draco is helping Harry stretch before warm ups (surprise they’re in a compromising position) and Cedric just goes, “Haha! I love friendship :).” 

started his dancing career when he joined DH, so he’s the most behind with dance; many people criticize him bc he’s a “bad dancer” but everyone knows he’s a better dancer than any Hallow

but!! he has improved so much D: sunshine baby rlly went thru it

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

jobs rant:

so i follow my area’s local job board on facebook, right. there’s this girl around my age (23) I think, who constantly posts about urgently needing “any type of job” in retail or a job in beauty therapy/hairdressing etc bc she’s got the qualifications in those fields. but it’s not her posts that annoy me (bc feels girl) but the people that comment on them, because a load of baby boomers hop on the post and say the following things:

(1.) boomer 1:“look here, you stupid girl, stop whinging! go hand out your resume in shops and meet them!” 

problem 1). hmm yeah go fuck yourself Martha. loads of people my age attest to doing what Martha suggested and get told to “just go apply online, we don’t take hard copy resumes!” or they spend whole days handing out resumes with only one shop taking them  bc they had a sign in the window. but does Martha listen to that? nope.

(2.) boomer 2: “how about you go in and ask for some work experience for 3 days a week, and offer to do it for free or like $5 an hour?” 

problem 2.) your suggestion is literally fucking illegal in Australia, Tessa, unless it’s part of a tafe or uni course (and you either don’t get paid or you get decently paid (hopefully) paid work experience). 

(3.) boomer 3 sometimes also in response to boomer/problem 2:  “oh but the above shows your initiative! because you’re not seeing a problem, but a solution! there’s only solutions! just stop bitching and start at the bottom just like all the others before you. you entitled brat.”

problem 3.) ??? no, Marcus, you fuck, I actually need fair pay and a real fucking job. getting either severely underpaid or not paid at all is NOT A SOLUTION, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. EVEN IF IT IS JUST FOR EXPERIENCE. IT’S NOT SHOWING INITIATIVE IF I’M BEING USED AS FREE FUCKING LABOUR!!!!! HOW THE HELL ARE PEOPLE WHO LIVE OUT OF HOME SUPPOSED TO PAY THEIR BILLS OR RENT WITH VERY LITTLE PAY OR NO PAY AT ALL????!!!!! GO EAT SHIT FROM YOUR OWN BOTTOM MATE, IF WE’RE STARTING FROM THERE.”

(4.) boomer 4: how about you just pawn your stuff off then, you spoilt brat?” / just apply for maccas/or another fast food place!”

problem 4.) you see, Leanne, i’m in the midst of applying for several fucking grad positions (which f.y.i are proper jobs outside of uni) and several other fucking jobs, including unpaid internships. i’ve applied to some fast food places before, and they’ve told me directly that they DO NOT WANT ME AT ALL bc it’s far easier and cheaper for them to employ a 15/16 year old, than employing a 23yo who actually knows what they should be paid, and not a kid who doesn’t know anything about fair work and wages. also as someone with a degree and a diploma etc, they straight up tell me i’m too overqualified and that i’ll expect too much pay so they don’t want me bc of that. also what fuck is this pawning my stuff off bullshit??? what the actual FUCK does that have to do with this??? 

(5.) boomer 5: “the job market isn’t insecure you imbecile, only you are because you obviously can’t get a job like that! learn to be more confident and maybe you’ll get one. stop being soooooo needy, and one will find you! look for more opps!” 

problem 5.) the job market isn’t insecure, Brenton? sure you can fucking say that when you’re a boomer who refuses to leave their fucking job. that’s fucking rich. but be more confident and a job will find you??? really?? thanks for the absolute bullshit mate. i’m done here. actually i’m not done! what the fuck is this “stop being sooooo needy” bs??? i’m sorry that i need some meagre ass fucking money to literally fucking survive in this horrendous capitalist hellscape you helped create, Brenton. look for more opportunities??? mate i’ve applied to like 300 bs “opportunities” nearly all of which exploit young workers to the fullest extent. hell, a good bulk of them i dont even have the quals or requirements for! ALSO, MOST OF THEM ARE INTERNSHIPS AND THEY’RE MOSTLY UNPAID OR ONLY PAID FOR ONE DAY A WEEK!! (so only $300). just.... now im done. go fuck yourself.

boomer 6: “go get a useful qualification (to attack uni/college etc quals) or *insert some other work related thing like an responsible service of alcohol (RSA) & RCG (responsible conduct of gambling or w/e it is) card here or a barista course here* or if you can’t afford it, save for it maybe??? if you’ve been to uni maybe you’d have the sense to know that much????”

problem 6.) honestly every millennial is sick of hearing this Mildred. no qualification is guaranteed to get you a job anymore, you hack. but also.... but have you ever considered how expensive an RSA or an RCG is or a combined one is??? (for reference a combined rsa&rcg in my state, new south wales, is $240)  or even a barista course???? (again for reference a barista course is anywhere between $120-$200)... like im sure for people who are living out of home, that their rent and bills are far, far more important to pay than some bullshit courses that cost like half of their fucking rent money. 

boomer 7: GO VOLUNTEER! YOU LEARN AMAZING NEW SKILLS (blah blah blah)!!!”

problem 7.) ok Mick, yes i know volunteering is a good thing.... i practically had its “importance” forcefully shoved down my throat at uni.... but consider this: only those who have some spare money around can typically afford this option, because it’s largely not paid. and if it is paid, you don’t get paid much.... but of course that all depends on the provider. you can go on about all the new skills you get from volunteering all day fucking long. but like. for most “millennials”, as you condescendingly call us, it is not fucking feasible if they have literally ZERO funds, like myself. i couldn’t afford to do the volunteer blogger position i tried to do at uni. so i ultimately gave it up.

honestly, the only boomers or maybe gen xers (who knows really) that i like who comment on these posts, are the ones who commiserate with us jobless 20-somethings about their teenage or sometimes fellow 20-something son/s or daughter/s trying to get a job.... but always getting rejected bc of their complete lack of experience (i.e. they have none) or whatever else.  

anyway that’s my dramatic rant of the month of january over lmao.

[smireyac]

fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020 

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!! 

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing.... 

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe...... 

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year...... 

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ??? 

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr 

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something 

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!! 

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!! 

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao 

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now.......... 

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol  

so yeah 

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

[sftyngs]

BTS Orchestra! AU | Yoongi

Been waiting for a free moment to be able to upload this, enjoy!!

Jimin ver. | Seokjin ver.  

AGSHDJFKFLF IVE BEEN WAITINF DOR THIS MOMENT FOR A LONG TIME GOD BLESs

ALRIGHT LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS

ok so like min Yoongi is v interesting person ok

he’s really not the type of person u would imagine being in chamber orchestra (ok kinda but not really)

Tbh he really only did it bc his mom wanted him to do extracurricular activities and he really hates exercise and sports

and he quote on quote said that “marching band is so much work, why would u do that to urself”

so the next best thing is surPriSe surPriSe orchEsTRA

so he auditioned for the piano bc u kno that’s his specialty

and the teacher was like “wOWOWOWOW YES WELCOME”

and like he was great, he was pretty lowkey about it tho like he went to practice and did his part he was p chill

but then like halfway through first semester of freshman year he kept noticing how the bass section had only like one bassist and he was like ?????

where the other bassists at

and the teacher was like “no one really plays bass, our previous two bassists graduated last year so now we’re down to one”

and Yoongi has always had a thing for the bass, like when he listens to music that’s one of his favorites part to listen to

sO as the semester goes on and the orchestra keeps playing and stuff

Yoongi is like “my music senses are tingling, something is wrOnG”

but he can’t quite figure it out, and then one day while the orchestra was practicing and he didn’t have any notes to play he was listening and then bAM

he was like ?????????? “I cANT HEAR THE BASS PART”

he almost had a crisis right then and there

and so after that practice he went up to the conductor and he was like ,,,,,,, “listen…I know I auditioned for the piano but like,,,,,, next semester I’m switching to bass”

and the teacher looked at him and was like “Yoongi are you sure?????”

I mean the orchestra teacher is always down for more bassists but like if Yoongi becomes a bassist theN WHO S GONNA FILL IN FOR PIANO

but the music teacher accepts and Yoongi is like “I got u I’ll be good, u won’t regret it”

so Yoongi spends the next few weeks plus the whole of winter break learning how to play bass

he practices everyday so that he can be decent enough to play when school starts again

not to mention he had to learn all the music for the upcoming concerts and festivals the orchestra always competes in in the second semester

and like Yoongi is v hard working he tries his best to be a good bassist bc he just wants the orchestra to have a good bass section

he may seem like he doesn’t really care about orchestra but in reality he loves it so much and it’s the best decision he has ever maDE

anyWAys so when he tells his parents and they’re like as long as you don’t give up piano we’re ok

Yoongi is like great yes ok we have a deal, now take me to rent a bass from the music store plz

tbh he ended up buying one

and named it B.C. which stands for Bass Clef

whenever someone asks him why he named it that he says its “clefer”

geT iT

bc bass reads bass clef,,,,,,

no,,,,,,,o k

listen that joke made Kim Seokjin wheeze for a good 5 minutes ok it was a goOd one

sPEAKING OF KIM SEOKJIN

WHEN YOONGI FIRST JOINED ORCHESTRA JIN WAS THE FIRST ONE TO ACTUALLY BEFRIEND HIM

bc when Yoongi decided to join orchestra he was like “it’s ok if I don’t make friends, I’m just here for the music”

but lmao that idea jumped out the window when Seokjin greeted Yoongi on his first day and convinced him that they were now orchestra buddies

tbh Yoongi had no say in it, but he respected Seokjin as a good ass musician and a good human being and was like “listen,,,,,just give me some space from time to time and I’ll be good”

a trUE BROMANCE

THEY HANG OUT DURING CONCERTS, YOONGI SLEEPING UNTIL ITS TIME TO PERFORM WHILE SEOKJIN RUNS AROUND HELPING THE KIDDIES GET TUNED AND ORGANIZED

AND THEY’RE ALWAYS BUS BUDDIES OMG BLESS

AND WHEN THE ORCHESTRA HAS FUNDRAISERS TO RAISE MONEY FOR THINGS THEY NEED SEOKJIN ALWAYS DRAGS YOONGI TO THE EVENTS AND MAKES HIM VOLUNTEER

HALF OF THE TIME ITS JIN SCREAMING FOR PEOPLE TO COME BUY THINGS AND YOONGI JUST SITS BEHIND THE CASH BOX HALF ASLEEP AND ALL POUTY ITS TH E CUTEST TH IN G

ITS GREAT

YOONGI PRETENDS TO GET ANNOYED BY SEOKJIN BHT IN REALITY HES REALLY GRATEFUL JIN WANTED TO BE HIS FRIEND

ANywaYs after Yoongi basically abandoned the piano section lmao, the orchestra didn’t have a pianist for a while,

it didn’t really make a difference sometimes tbh bc u can’t really hear the piano part in some pieces so it doesn’t matter

but for others it’s like ,,,,,“we don’t have a pianist for this piano part but we will have to play iT”

and Yoongi sometimes feels guilty so he’s always trying to figure out how to fix it

this is where you come in, bc you two have like math together and one day during class when there’s a substitute you pull out sheet music for Clair de Lune and u put in ur earphones and basically submerge urself in the music

and Yoongi can hear like parts of the song and he’s like ???????

so he turns around and notices u and he taps u on the shoulder

ur like “hold up” and u hold up a finger bc ur at this part of the song u really like and u don’t want to stop

and when it ends u pause the music and pull out an earphone and ur like “what’s up”

Yoongi just stares at u and he’s like “you play piano???”

you’re just like “yeah, why”

and he’s kinda just comes out with it and he’s like “have you eVer thOught of jOining chamber orchestrA”

and ur like “not really no,,,,,,,I just kinda do piano on the side as a hobby”

Yoongi’s like “listen, we desperately need a pianist we haven’t had one in a while plz audition”

tbh ur like why is this kid I’ve only ever had like two conversations with suddenly asking me to join orchestra

Yoongi can sense ur reluctance by the way ur looking at him

so he’s like “look I know we don’t ever talk and tbh u probably don’t know my name but like at least consider it please, we’re doing Adagio in Sol Minore, and we really need a pianist”

and ur like wow this kid is really adamant about me joining orchestra

so ur like “listen, ok I’ll audition, but dONT GET YOUR HOPES UP OK”

and Yoongi is like “yES THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU WONT REGRET IT,,,,”

you’ve never seen this kid who is usually sleeping in class so excited

it’s kinda cute,,,????

nO Y/N sNAP OUT OF IT U DoNT EVEN KNKW HIS NAME

“my name is Yoongi by the way, Min Yoongi, I play bass”

wow it’s like he read your mind or somETHINg

“im Y/n”

but then the bell rings and Yoongi gets up and waves at you before saying “nice to meet you I hope to see u in orchestra!”

and then he’s zooming out of the room

and ur like what the hell jUst hapPend

so now u basically dug urself a hole saying you’ll audition for chamber

but ur like wait,,,,,,,,he didn’t tell me where to go or when the auditions are

so u ask one of the other kids in orchestra you happen to have a class with and they’re like “oh!!! Auditions are today after school!!!!”

ur like whAT TODAY

and u start to freak out u didn’t know they were todAy

u don’t even know where to go like where the hell evEN IS THE MUSIC BUILDING MIN YOONGIIIIIII

so after class ends u scavenge the school for your friend the one and only Kim Taehyung bc u know he’s in band and he should know where the orchestra room is and not to mention he owes u constant favors bc of all the shit u do for him

so when u find him, he’s like “oh hey y/n,,,,,what brings u around h-here,,,,”

tbh taehyung is kinda scared bc he ‘accidentally’ tripped u when u were going up the stairs earlier that day and he thought u were gonna finally get ur revenge

but u end up being like “take me to the orchestra room proNTO”

and Taehyung is like w ahT

but he doesn’t argue and leads the way

and when u arrive ur like “thanks Tae, but don’t think this gets u out of what u did to me earlier u punk”

Taehyung just smiles sheepishly and waves before running away

you take a deep breathe before entering the room and the teacher instantly notices you bc lol no one is there

and she asks if u here to audition for the piano section and u like um,,,,, yeah ,,,,,

so she tells u to sit down and play a few scales

and u ace those bc they’re super easy

and then she tells u to just play anything and ur like ,,,,,,wha t

but she just smiles at you warmly and says to not be nervous

but ur not nervous bc u can’t play anything

ur nervous bc u don’t exactly have an idea of what to play

but then you just end up pulling Clair de Lune out of ur bag from earlier and ur like well,,,,,,,here goes

when you finish and look over at the teacher you not only notice her mouth open with tears in her eyes but u also notice another figure in the room who is staring at you like you are the most magnificent human being in the world

and ur like “oh”

and then the music teacher is getting up and clapping for u and patting u on the back like “that was so beautiful, please join chamber orchestra you would be an amazing addition”

and honestly how can u say no to her when she’s looking at you with that puppy dog look on her face and tears in her eyes

and then u glance at Yoongi and he just lifts an eyebrow as if to say “so what’ll it be?”

and finally u just smile and look back at the teacher and nod your head and she squeals and hugs u and ur like o,,,kAY,,,,,,,

she tells u to come to practice next week and sends u on ur merry way along with some sheet music so u can look over your parts

Yoongi follows you out and he’s like “listen,,,,,thanks for doing this…I know it was last minute,,,,I really appreciate it”

u just kinda look at him and then smile

and Yoongi’s heart kinda stutters and he’s like wow,,,,,this person has a really nice smile and I can’t help but stare

so after a few weeks you’ve basically integrated into chamber orchestra pretty well

and you actually really enjoy it bc the people are so sweet and the music is fun to play and ur like !!!!! This is fun!! !!!!

also every time Yoongi sees u playing piano he’s like ,,,,,.woW why am i so attracted to them whAT IS haPPENIng tO ME

and he asks Seokjin and Seokjin and is like ,,,,,,,Yoongi, my child,,,,u like them

and Yoongi is like "w-whAT NO THATS IMPOSSIBLE"

Seokjin is like “really tho is it reaLLY”

and Yoongi kinda has this mini crisis bc he’s never felt this way about anyone and he doesn’t know how to act and it really affects him

so he starts to avoid you and ur like ,,,,,did I dO something

bc the first couple of weeks he’d actually go out of his way to talk to u and it felt nice to have a friend

and u really enjoyed his presence like wow what a great human being

but u also really like Yoongi too, you’ve come to a conclusion with ur feeling,,,u really like this quiet but attentive bassist named Min Yoongi

and the fact that he starts to ignore u really hurts u and ur like ?!!!??????

so one day u plan to confront him bc ur never one to just let things like this go like u want to knOW WHAT U DID DAMMIT

so u ask Seokjin to help u and he’s like ,,,,“say no more I have the perfect plan”

but he doesn’t tell u what it is and ur like SeokJIN I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN

but he’s like “nonono I have it all covered u just say what u have to say when it happens”

and so Seokjin plans this huge elaborate thing over with a few other friends and it takes place at the spring concert that is in a few days

and basically he plans to shove u two in the one of the instrument rooms and lock the door until u work out ur problems

it’s ur typical cliché plan but Seokjin lives by it and he’s like “I’ve tried it before it works wonDERS”

so the day of the spring concert arrives and Yoongi is still ignoring u and ur like Jin,,,,,plz tell me that the plan is going to happen soOn

and Jin just winks and tells u not to worry

which makes u woRRY mORE,,,, jIN and so at the concert Yoongi and Seokjin are hanging out like usual backstage

and you’re out front helping the orchestra parents sell refreshments and things for a fundraiser waiting for ur time to go up to play

when suddenly Taehyung comes running up to u with his band uniform half on and he looks all panicky and frantic and ur like !!!!!! “Tae what’s wrong!!!!!!”

and he’s like “someone was messing around with the piano and they broke a key!!!”

and u kinda expected it to be something more serious but still dumb so it takes u a while to comprehend

but then ur like ,,,,,there’s only one piano backstage and that’s the piano we use to perfORM SOMEONE BROKE THW PIANO WHAT THE HELL

so u two take off running and Taehyung leads u to the music room and ur like “oh no where is my baby I have to see my baby”

but all of a sudden someone shoves u into the instrument storage room and ur like !!!!  What the hELL

ur screamjng profanities at Tae bc whTa the heLL KIM TAEHYUNG

and then u hear someone behind u sigh and say “they’re not gonna open the door I already tried”

and u freeze up bc u know that voice

so u slowly turn around and Yoongi is just lounging on one of the random bean bags the room has

and ur like ????? “What are u doing here”

and he’s like “I could ask u the same thing"

but then something in ur head clicks and ur like oH, so thIs was Jin’s pLan

tbh ur kinda seething inside bc what the heck Seokjin but now that u have Yoongi here ur extremely grateful

so u sit down on one of the other bean bags and ur like “so what do we do now?”

Yoongi just shrugs and says “dunno, just wait it out until it’s our time to go and perform and they’ll have to come get us

ur like "but we don’t perform until the end of the concert!!! we’ll be in here for hours!!!”

and Yoongi doesn’t really know what to say to u so he just doesn’t say anything and u think hes like being v rude

so ur like “what’s your problem?????!!!”

and Yoongi is kinda startled bc he’s never heard u raise ur voice and he just looks at u

and ur like “first u practically beg me to audition for chamber and then decide to ignore me like I don’t exist what the hell is ur problem Min Yoongi!!?? Why do you hate me?!??”

Yoongi doesn’t know what to say bc he didn’t know him ignoring u would affect u so much

and he sees the tears in ur eyes threatening to fall and his heart starts beating frantically and he’s like oh no I made them crY

and so he’s like “you think I hate you,,,?”

and ur like “well what else would it be?!!!!???”

Yoongi scoots over to u and his heart is beating really fast and he grabs ur hand and intertwines ur fingers

and ur like ??????? ,,,,,he has nice hands,,,,,,,

“I don’t hate you,,,,in fact it’s far from that, I like u so much it hurts to be around u, I’ve never felt this way about anyone and it really scared me and I didn’t know what to do so my natural instinct was to ignore it and you”

his confession really surprises u bc u didn’t,,,,expect,,,,thaT,,,,

but then u hit his arm and ur like “why didn’t u just tell me?”

and he’s like “bc I knew u probably wouldn’t feel the same way”

and ur like “you big idiot of course I would like u, I won’t have joined orchestra if I didn’t”

but yoongi takes that as the ‘I like u but as a friend’

so he releases ur hand and he’s just kinda looks at the ground all deflated and stuff and he’s like “I see….”

but ur like wow this kid must really be slow

and so u softly say his name and when he looks up at you

you lean in until ur both touching foreheads and Yoongi is holding his breathe bc woW

and ur like “I mean I like like you, dummy”

and then u lean in to kiss his cheek but he moves to capture ur lips and it’s the nicest most softest kiSs evER

it really catches u off guard and ur like WOw

and then Yoongi starts to pull away bc he doesn’t feel u react but ur like 'nO IM NOT DONE’

so u link ur hands around his neck and pull him closer and he smiles into the kiss and u both are like “yEs”

when u break apart u just stare at each other with pure bliss on ur faces

and Yoongi has this slight blush on his cheeks and it makes u want to gush over him bc he’s the most amazing human being you have ever met soft yoongi is precious

and Yoongi’s breath is just taken away bc you are so beautiful and amazing and wonderful and he doesn’t know how to react aside from smile his gummy smile at u bc he is so incredibly happy rn

words cannot describe the way you two feel it’s pure and utter bliss

what a cute couple, soft yoongi and soft y/n bLEsS

just two music dorks who really really like each other and are slightly nervous around each other but still support each other a lot  (´∀｀•)

Bonus:

tbh u both kinda just stay in the storage room cuddling on the bean bags until Seokjin deems it necessary to finally unlock the door

and when he does he’s greeted with two lovebirds asleep on the bean bags, arms and legs tangled

and he just has to snap a photo bc this just screams cute

and he kinda just pats himself on the back bc wow he is a true matchmaker,,,,,.,“good job Kim Seokjin, well doNE”

[glamourpossum]

its hard to work for YEARS for this idea of what your life is going to be like and to so suddenly and abruptly ripped apart in front of you. ive maintained this illusion for so long and i think i knew deep down that it wasnt realistic but its all ive had to keep me going so i had to use it. but you can only pretend that stuff like that is attainable if what youre imagining is still far off; if youve reached a point in your life where your life is starting to overlap with the timeframe you imagined but it isnt compatible with that imaginary timeframe you can’t really pretend. i cant keep pretending, because im a college graduate who works at a fucking grocery store. i didnt have a concrete idea of where id be but i didnt think id be here, miserable, with NOWHERE TO BE on a thursday in may. i never imagined having so much free time but i cant find a fucking job. i cant even get a rejection email! and for years people have been blowing smoke up my ass about how qualified i am and how hard i work but none of it fucking matters none of it ever mattered it never mattered how late i stayed up researching or how many things i was involved in. i think i always knew deep down that not everyone gets to live their dreams- someone has to collect the trash and change the oil and bag the groceries. i just thought id be one of the ones who made it and i dont know why but it was stupid and naive of me and i should have been able to tell that anyone who told me otherwise just felt bad for me but i didnt because i was pretending. 

im having to worry about money for the first time in my life and i know thats my privilege showing but its still scary; i grew up without ever being concerned about my parents making rent and living a certain way and i never thought id be out in the world, an actual adult, and not be of the same socioeconomic status as my parents. i thought id have a four bedroom house with a yard and i thought it would be two levels. and now i cant find a job and i work at a grocery store and i cant cope by spending money on stupid shit like i used to

like ive strung myself along for years on this notion that someday everything was going to make sense and that i would be well adjusted and happy and skinny and pretty and i could live like the 20 year olds on tv and i would be able to function  socially and drive and someone would love me and i wouldnt be a fucking 20 year old virgin whos only been kissed during spin the bottle and that being around friends wouldnt just make me more aware of my own inferiority but here we are! im skinny and im still revolted every time i look in the mirror, im only getting older so the like two attractive features i have are ticking time bombs, ive never been at a worse mental state in my life and i cant afford copays for the eye doctor or the dentist and i cant even interact functionally with my FAMILY let alone strangers, i cant fucking drive and cant afford lessons, im disgusting and selfish for even hoping that someone would me romantically interested in me and if i truly cared id want them to stay as far away from me as possible but i dont im just fucking selfish and self serving and pathetic for even hoping, and im getting to the expiration date of my friendships because people are only silling to tolerate me for a 3-4 year time frame and im lucky for even that because im emotionally burdensome and irrational and im about as well-adjusted as those feral children who are fucking raised in the woods.

im so angry at myself for being willing to ignore whats in front of me for so long and trying to just pretend things dont exist. i literally do this to my fucking self i create all of my own problems none of them are real !! i do this to myself !! fucking christ im such a fucking idiot for even trying i get my hopes up every time inalways tell myself not to get my hopes up but i always fucking do why cant i just keep my expectations low so this doesnt keep fucking happening ?!!!! whats the point if this is all there is and all its going to be ? its always been like this so why should it change? fuck im such an idiot i do this to myself i expect shit to go right for me even though i have literally nothing but evidence to the contrary! i have so little in my life that i look at fondly and yet i still delude myself into thinking that someday ill suddenly be projected into this fantasy world where everything is good and nothing hurts ! even the good stuff i walk away from feeling disgusting because i dont deserve anything good that happens to me bc im a fucking leech that sucks the life out of the people who give me the most and are the best to me and offer me every opportunity to succeed. its so vile and evil of me to expect more and to dream of more when i dont deserve a damn thing that i have fucking christ im repulsive