#like i don't even wanna fucking talk about my dad anymore yanno?
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feels like the last few weeks have been the slow motion progression of a brick in a dryer.
shaking shaking shaking apart
finally broke into pieces last night
been a pile of broken parts in the grass all day
it's going to take time to work up to equilibrium again, i'm sure i'll get there. but i'm worried i took the kind of damage that knocked out one of my spell slots yanno? a stat debuff that i'm going to have to re-earn the skill points to unlock all over again.
#and i don't wanna do the work#have hardly been able to feed myself for days now#the ed thoughts have passed for the most part but my feeding schedule is still hellishly out of whack#eating small amounts when i realize i'm hungry and then getting too hyperfixated into my game... not coming up for air#until it's much too late to prepare a meal or anything#i see my shrink tomorrow and fuck... talking about all this will help. always does#but i'm just so fucking sick of it. even thinking about it pisses me off#not to say i want new problems by any means but. i'm so fucking bored with my problems#like i don't even wanna fucking talk about my dad anymore yanno?#and i always wanna bitch about my shitty dad#personal
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[FootClan FTM Casey and Raph - Casey couldn't confess how he wanted in main FTM or Vampire BUT HE CAN HERE]
Casey was nervous, biting his bottom lip. He knew he had a mission, and he also knew his father would lose his fucking mind if he found out Casey was in love with their enemy. Then again, his dad was being a colossal dick right now about the fact Casey is, well, Casey. Maybe that's what spurred this bit of bravery...maybe that's what spurred this need to be accepted by someone. Anyone.
Breathing out, he began to text, just letting his thumbs tap away - with a mind of their own,
[TXT] Hey babe [TXT] I need 2 tell u some thing [TXT] It's not bad promise <3 [TXT] Just some thing important 2 me [TXT] Meet me @ 2nd avenue @ 9pm? [TXT] Pizza on me <3
Casey breathes out a sigh, nerves on fire, heart beating so far. But he had to do this...he needed to do this.
---
God he wished nine in the night didn't come so damn quick. Even with a blanket down and food sorted, Casey still didn't feel ready. He was freaking himself out more than everything, a million 'what ifs' running through that empty skull of his. He wished he could've brought photos to show the changes he's gone through, but he couldn't risk Raph seeing his father, or sisters. He prays they understand. Casey isn't sure he would be able to cope if Raphael rejected him too.
When Raph showed up, Casey offered a shaky smile, and even a small wave, but he had lost his voice in the moment. Hands were clammy as he looked away, quirking his mouth. His stomach refused to settle, even more so when Raph comes and sits with him. Casey's heart beat faster; all he could hear was his own breathing. Even as he watched Raph's lips move, he didn't hear a single thing from them.
And that's when it happened, Casey blurted it out, with no tact or anything at all,
"Raph I aint got a dick!"
Casey's hands flew to his face, head thrown back as he gave a yell. That was NOT how he wanted to say that, and he hates the way Raph is now looking at him. He can't tell if he felt regret or not right now,
"Okay okay no - I mean, yeah, I jus', ah okay hold on!"
Throwing his hands down, Casey tried to breathe. He was fucking up this entire thing and he wanted to throw himself off the roof because of it,
"I'm sorry jus', this means a lot t' me an' yer mean a lot t' me, so, I gotta tell yer this, I'm jus'..."
Just what? Terrified, that's what, but he doesn't say it,
"I'm jus' dumb hah..." Casey stumbled out, taking another breath to try and calm down, "Okay," He claps his hands together, starts finding his words, "Raph...I...well, I wasn't born a guy named Casey; I was born Evelyn...a girl. I'm Trans."
He waits, a moment, lets that sink in. He wonders if Raph even knows what 'Trans' is.
"I was named after my ma, but, growin' up I never felt like a girl, I always felt like a guy, so, I started namin' mysel' Casey, an' dressin' like a guy, an' it felt good, like, it felt right yanno?" Casey tries to explain, "An' I wanna be a guy 'cause I know I'm supposed t' be a guy..."
He looks away, wonders if he should mention his dad...he bites the bullet.
"Dad aint...acceptin' of it, always calls me Evelyn, or his daughter," Casey admits, "S' I get the stuff I need behin' his back, an' my sister cut my hair for me..." He hates how his voice wavered when he admitted that, "An', I thought, yanno cause we're t'gether it's only right I shoul' tell yer 'cause I love yer..."
He hates how he starts to get worked up, tears forming, that fear taking over, his voice continuing to crack and shake as he grew panicked - almost frantic,
"An', an' I know a lotta people aint okay with the Trans thing an' the idea of yanno datin' a Trans person yanno like me, an' if, if yer don't wanna be with me anymore 'cause of it I'd totally get it."
Casey would hate it, but he'd understand it.
"But I love yer, an'...an' I jus' needed t' tell yer okay..."
He finally stops talking, and just breathes. He hates he's terrified of whatever Raph's going to say, or do, in response.
| Muse interaction
It wasn't like Raphael didn't often text Casey, he texted pretty often always quick to read them when they came through. Never caring to play the whole game of waiting a bit before he answered the text back. Nah Raphael always answered right away. Either because Casey and him were just having a nice conversation going on, flirting or Casey was needing to vent about his dad. Guy seems like a real dick head in Raphael's opinion and maybe that was unfair but he can just see it when Casey's talks about them. Sure he and Splinter don't always see eye to eye and he doesn't always feel like Splinter hears what he is trying to really say. But with Casey and his own? There did seem to be a deeper rooted pain there. Seeing how Casey after fights with his Dad always seemed in need of some kind of comfort. Raphael couldn't do much about it he hardly ever knew what spurred them on anyway. But he still tried after all Casey listened to him or just sat around when he needed it. Why when the string of texts suddenly came across to his t-phone Raphael stopped what he was doing to read them over. Slightly confused due to the lack of real detail given from Casey.
[TXT] Hey babe [TXT] I need 2 tell u some thing [TXT] It's not bad promise <3 [TXT] Just some thing important 2 me [TXT] Meet me @ 2nd avenue @ 9pm? [TXT] Pizza on me <3
Hmm, well it wasn't a dreaded 'we need to talk' text like he seen on shows and movies. Just that Casey wanted to tell him something? They promised it wasn't anything bad? Normally Raph answered faster but his mind was growing curious to understand what exactly was being said here. They been together for sometime now? So not like it be some confession or maybe it was? He said he had to tell Raph something?
[text] Be there :)
Was all he texted back before moving to stand up from the couch in the pit. When asked where he was going Raphael simply rolled his shoulders up and crossed them to rest behind his head as he walked away. It was already close to 9 but it would take him sometime to meet up with Casey. SO if he took his time he would get there just on time. "Out" Is all he tells the rest of his brothers. Keeping his cool on the outside. Well he kept trying to crack and uncovering what this could be about the whole time in his mind. Constantly telling himself it wasn't anything 'bad' Casey promised it wasn't anything like that so he was going to trust them.
He had no reason not to trust Casey. He owed it to them. Casey saved his life after all.
Though he had to admit all his own worries an nevers died down the second he was greeted with the sight. Smiling a little to himself he felt kind of bad for still having a single thought that this was going to go wrong somehow.
"So is 'his a date thing or still cause ya wanna talk?" Raphael himself had found it easy to suddenly spring into the usual rhythm he always had with Casey. That ease and comfort that Casey just natural provided as he looked around before moving to sit down with Casey. One leg pulled up so he could rest his arm over his knee as he looked at Casey. Who honestly looked freaked?
Didn't really help Raphael trying to understand the tone of what was going on here. Offering a smile back at Casey hoping it helped them chill out. "So?"
"Raph I aint got a dick!"
Raphael had ran a few possibilities through his head when Casey texted him and more when he made his way to meet ho with them and maybe a few more once finally getting here and setting the set up with the pizza and blankets. Honesty he thought it was a lame excuse to get Raph to go on a date with him. So this? Was unexpected. As his eyes shifted between looking at Casey's face and down towards their legs
"...did it fall off?"
"Okay okay no - I mean, yeah, I jus', ah okay hold on!"
Raphael wasn't really sure what todo do here still reeling from how Casey started this whole talk. As they seemed more annoyed by hiw this was going from slamming thier hands into thier face. Raph just sat there eyes wide still trying to understand what happened to Casey's dick here. In the turtles defense what else was he meant to even think in thos situation after all?
"I'm sorry jus', this means a lot t' me an' yer mean a lot t' me, so, I gotta tell yer this, I'm jus'..."
Raphael can't help how the corn of his beak tugs up into a soft smile at the mention of meaning a lot to Casey. "Hey chill s"okay, take a second ya? I aint gonna go anywhere." He least offers shifting how he was sat as he crosses his legs and better faces Casey. They had his full attetion and all the time they needed to figure out how to get this out.
"I'm jus' dumb hah..." Casey stumbled out, taking another breath to try and calm down, "Okay," He claps his hands together, starts finding his words,
And ture to what raph told Casey he kept quite letting Casey try and have a moment to find his words here. Had to be better that 'I have no dick' after all.
"Raph...I...well, I wasn't born a guy named Casey; I was born Evelyn...a girl. I'm Trans."
"Oh?" Raphael simply stated to help voice response to his boyfriend. It had to be better than Raph keeping quiet. Didn't seem too hard to follow hrs seen mention of that before how he was aware of general label like gay and lesbian after all. Donnie and Mikey might know more. But he figured all he needed to know was Casey was once a girl named Evelyn but he was now well who Raphael knew him to be. Casey.
"I was named after my ma, but, growin' up I never felt like a girl, I always felt like a guy, so, I started namin' mysel' Casey, an' dressin' like a guy, an' it felt good, like, it felt right yanno?" Casey tries to explain, "An' I wanna be a guy 'cause I know I'm supposed t' be a guy…"
Raphael offered a nod feeling his thiught from before were on the right mark here.
"Dad aint…acceptin' of it, always calls me Evelyn, or his daughter,"
Adding that to his mental notes of Casey Dad just being a general jack ass. Would maybe explain the issues they seem to have if his Dad was dick about it to even calling Casey the other name still despite what Casey wished and wanted. Poor Casey. No wonder he was freaking out actually. He already deals with it from his Dad so ya his boyfriend would hurt?
No different then him and his brother wishing to be accepted by humans after all. Always seen and treated as monsters. Casey wasn't any different he just wanted to be Casey. Accepted as Casey even.
"S' I get the stuff I need behin' his back, an' my sister cut my hair for me…" Casey admits "An', I thought, yanno cause we're t'gether it's only right I shoul' tell yer 'cause I love yer…"
Raphael can hear it all in the small crack and wavering of Casey voice. This was a lot for him to fess up to and he was still clearly scared even as he was doing it now. Raph can't help but wonder how long poor Casey had been wrangling with the thought alone.
"An', an' I know a lotta people aint okay with the Trans thing an' the idea of yanno datin' a Trans person yanno like me, an' if, if yer don't wanna be with me anymore 'cause of it I'd totally get it."
Now he pulled a face he didn't mean to, as he brow knotted up but he looks down and thinking on ot for a moment. Was Casey really wrong to think this would be a deal breaker? Generally maybe not but between them?
"But I love yer, an'…an' I jus' needed t' tell yer okay…"
"I'm the five foot mutant turtle who lives in a sewer and was raised by a mutant rat who also trained me tk be a ninja and ya 'hink between the two of us your the one who be the deal breaker?" Raphael smiles as he looks back up at Casey. "You really are an idiot." Moving to rest on his knees as he gently brushes his fingers over Casey's cheeky, carful to take hold of thier face in his hand. Treating Casey with just an ounce of gentleness they seemed to need right then and there. Before pressing his forhead against Casey gently bumping his forhead against thier own.
"Casey it don' matter. Girl, boy, he'll ya could be a roach even." Coming from Raph that had to say a bit. "I aint into you or with you because of anything like 'hat.." Moving his other hand up to hold Casey's face between them slightly smooshing thier cheeks in so he can hold Casey's attetion.
"I'm with you be I love you idiot. I love my reckless, crazy hockey loving, kick ass boy friend. Who happens to be cleaver in his own way. Kinder than most, protective of what matters to him people or you stupid horror movies." Raph goes one to list. "The ony person able to give me maybe slight run for a money In a fight. Cause Casey Jones ain't scared to face a mutant head on in a fight." He smirks a little and slowly lightens up his hold on Casey's face.
"Ya the guy I love Casey. From those brown eyes to that gap tooth grin when ya yell that stupid catchphrase of yours." Genlty nuzzling his snout against Casey's nose for some affection hoping to show Casey he had nothing to be scared of. "And that who ya are don't matter if ya girl or a guy or if ya got a dick or not. Nothing ever gonna change how I feel about you Casey. It's not so shallow of an attraction I promise." Pulling back just a little Casey was brave here he can be brave too.
"Casey, I love a fuck ton. I know hiw it sounds cause I only even been with you but...I feel like I was jus' waitin' all this time to meet you." Fuck that sounds corny but he meant it he really did mean it. "I love you Casey. No matter what." Smiling before leaning in to press his beak softly in against Casey's lips. Hoping the physical display helps prove that this changed nothing to Raphael.
"Cause ya mean a lot to me too, Casey. I don't want you to forget that okay?" He offers as he moves his beak against Casey's lips. Slowly pulling away. "Not gonna get rid of me that easy 'm in this for the long game." He offers with a slight shrug of his shoulders bot explaining what that means but sure Casey can make a safe bet. "I thibk that's enough mushy stuff now." Only because Raphael was too aware of how much he let out to Casey as he turned hus attention to the box of pizza and pulled it over.
"Why don' we chill out watch the stars and jus' ya know hang out?" Because he meant it every word nothing would change anything between them. "Sides I missed ya ain't ready to let ya go yet."
#muse| hamato raphael#madamkezzie#aflockoffeathers#[ if you jumped of a bridge its only cause i did first -aflockoffeathers]#[foot!casey au]#[ftm casey]#ic reply#muse interaction#stay queued#(( ;3; like if the betryal happens the same way this just kind of makes it harder and more diffcult for raph to try and understand why ;3;)#tw: transphobia mentioned
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Mated (3)
Mated (1) | Mated (2)
Pairing: Sehun x Reader / Suho x Reader
Genre: Wolf AU
Warning: Violence, Blood etc
Word Count: 2.1k
"Lay!" You call you, helping Sehun into the house. "It happened again." You sigh, helping him onto the couch as Lay comes over to take a look at Sehun's wrist.
Again.
"What the hell triggered it this time." Lay asks, examining the clearly broken wrist.
"Look I'm fine. I heal quickly." Sehun spits, standing up.
"Good, then I can fuck you up again." Suho spits, walking into the house, slamming the door shut. "Yanno Ayn, you're my mate too. You shouldn't play favourites." He spits at you.
"I'm not playing favourites. As I recall, I spent the day with you yesterday." You say, justifying yourself.
"You don't need to be an asshole." Sehun chimes in, making you sigh heavily.
"Should I break your other fucking wrist?" Suho snaps, charging towards Sehun. "Maybe just snap your neck this time."
"Stop it!" You yell. "What the fuck is wrong with you two?" You cry. You push between them, storming out to the yard to clear your head.
You weren't sure how much longer you could live like this. The constant fighting between the two men who were supposed to love you unconditionally was emotionally draining, the fighting for your attention, one always making it seem like the other was getting more was draining, the fact that you couldn't stand to be in the same room with them together was draining. And it wasn't just your relationships with Sehun and Suho that were suffering, the pack was as well.
Suho wasn't acting like the leader he should be, his temper was short, he wasn't the kind and caring man you once knew. He didn't care anymore, his focus was now beating Sehun in every single way possible, it was an unhealthy obsession they both had.
Sehun was the same way. He had a hatred for his leader that he once considered a brother, he needed being the better mate, the better man, just all-around better.
Their competition was exhausting. You were exhausted.
You headed back into the house, grabbing your keys before taking off in your car, heading to the one place you hoped had the answers you desperately needed right now. As you drove you thought about your options, you loved them both, they each had their set of faults along with their good qualities but as of now, everything bad was overshadowing the things that were once good.
"Oh my god." You giggle, running behind the couch. "Stop, please." You beg Sehun.
"No." He laughs. "It's called payback, baby."
You squeal as he lunges for you, running into the kitchen where you're grabbed by Suho.
"I'll save you." Suho smiles, hoisting you over his shoulder and play fighting with Sehun to protect you.
"Put me down." You say, lightly tapping his back.
Suho sets you down and you look up at him, giving him a small peck on the lips. "My hero." You smile before walking over to Sehun and kissing him as well. "My other hero. I'm so lucky." You sigh, looking at the two men who love you most in this world.
Before you knew it, you pulled up outside your parent's house. Your mom had passed away a few years ago but your dad still lived there, mostly spending his days sitting on the porch, drinking coffee while reading his book. He had a lot of knowledge in mates and you knew he would be able to help you out in your situation.
"Hey, dad." You wave, getting out of your car.
"Oh hi, bug." He chuckles, standing up to greet you. "What a nice surprise. What brings you here?" He asks.
"I need some advice." You say, giving him a small hug before sitting down next to him.
"What's on your mind?" He asks.
You pause for a minute, unsure of where to even start when your dad pipes up again. "It's the mates, isn't it? They're different."
"How did you know?"
"Despite there not being much research on it, I did see a Gemini mate once before in my lifetime." He smiles.
"Well, what happened?"
**
Sehun runs down the stairs, his body is tight, he's pissed off and ready to snap at any moment. He figures now would be a good time to go for a run, trying to get some aggression out while you're gone. Of course, he felt bad about putting you into the middle of his fights with Suho, but he couldn't help it. Even with how long it had been he was still jealous. You were never supposed to be with Suho, Sehun never wanted a mate he had to share but he adjusted to it, for you. But now enough was enough. He couldn't stand the way Suho looked at you, the way he smiled at you or spoke to or about you. Sehun needed Suho to disappear, and it needed to happen fast.
He walks out the door, slamming it behind him, making the rest of the men in the living room jump.
"This needs to end." Baekhyun sighs. "I can't walk on eggshells around them anymore."
"I worry if I cough too loud." Chanyeol whines. "Suho yelled at me for breathing yesterday."
"Things are tough but they'll get through it." Minseok sighs. "They have too."
**
Suho runs through the forest, not yet wanting to switch to his wolf form. He feels the burning in his legs as he picks up his pace, sweat dripping down his face as he pushes himself to do better. He knew he needed to be better, for you. But he was struggling because of Sehun. He wanted the whiny fuck away from you, if Sehun wasn't in the picture then things would be so much better. You'd be happier too, he just knew it. If only there was a way to cut the younger one from both of your lives. Suho knew it would be a big risk, somehow getting rid of Sehun, but you would eventually forget about him, and then finally Suho would be the only one in your life, the one that made you smile, the one who had your whole heart. That's all he wanted, was for you to be happy with him.
**
That evening you sent a message to both Sehun and Suho letting them know that you wouldn't be coming home that night. You had too much on your mind and you just needed space to think about things.
"You have to choose one, bug." He tells you. "There's no way around it. Wolves are extremely territorial creatures that do not do well sharing. It's a surprise you have lasted this long before things got bad."
Thinking back you remember the first time you noticed them starting to get short with each other.
"Get the fuck out of my way." Suho snaps at Sehun. You had been sitting on the couch with Sehun, watching a movie when Suho approached, snapping at the two of you cuddling before wanting to get in the middle. You honestly had thought he was joking at the time.
"What are you doing?" You giggle. "You know this is his night."
"Yeah, my night, now fuck off." Sehun growls.
"Okay.." you pause. "Are you both serious?" You ask. You look at both men whose eyes are locked on each other, their chests heaving as they stare each other down. "What the hell is happening?" You ask, moving out of the way.
"I told you, it's my night." Sehun growls.
"What the fuck, you guys?" You yell. "What's wrong with you?"
Suho shakes his head, coming out of whatever mood he was in. He looks at the two of you before apologizing and walking away.
That was only the beginning.
"I know." You sigh. "Maybe I should go and talk to them tonight."
"Can't hurt bug. I love you." Your dad smiles, kissing you on the forehead.
"Thanks, dad. I love you." You say, giving him a quick hug before running to your car. This talk couldn't wait until the morning.
**
"Do you wanna come out?" Lay asks Suho, who was drinking a glass of water.
"No." He answers, placing his cup in the sink before walking away.
"How about you Sehun? You wanna join?" Minseok asks the younger man. He shakes his head no, his eyes never leaving the TV.
"Try not to kill each other while we're gone." Baekhyun mutters as the rest of the pack leaves the two men alone.
Sehun's breathing becomes heavier as he feels Suho still in the kitchen. He hated being even this close to him, he could smell the pathetic need for you from where he was sitting.
"Christ." Sehun snaps, turning off the TV.
"What the fuck is your issue?" Suho spits.
"You and you're fucking need to have her is my issue. She was mine first. Mine!" Sehun yells.
"Well, now she belongs to both of us." Suho chuckles. "You just know if she chose, it would be me. You're too immature for her, she needs a man."
"Doubtful she would choose you. You should hear the way she talks about you after I've shoved my cock in her." Sehun laughs. "Pathetic."
"I'm done." Suho says. "I'm done with this two mates thing."
"Good, so leave us the fuck alone." Sehun smiles.
"No. We fight for her." Suho says. "You and me, tonight. The winner gets to be her mate."
"Loser dies." Sehun declares.
Both men nod at each other before heading outside into the field where the battle will begin.
Both men stand on opposite sides of the field, shifting into their wolf forms. They stand there on all fours growling at each other, each one waiting for the other to lunge.
Suho takes the first leap, running for Sehun. Sehun takes off, both their bodies colliding, snarling at each other.
Suho's mouth grips Sehun's neck, tearing a chunk of fur and skin off making Sehun yelp, but come back even more aggressive. He lunges for Suho, opening his mouth and comping down on his leg, twisting it to break. Suho claws at Sehun, using his head to knock him off.
They both back away, dropping low as they circle each other, snarling and snapping, waiting for the other to lunge until Sehun does.
**
You sped through the dark streets, making your way onto the gravel road just before the house. Out of the corner of your eye you see two large, what look like dogs fighting in the middle of the field. You turn your head to look and instantly recognize the two wolves that were tearing each other apart. You swerve your car into the ditch, driving into the field before throwing it in park and running towards the two men you loved the most.
"Stop!" You yell, your voice cracking as the tears fall from your eyes. You can smell the blood as you near them, both of their bodies are limping, tired and bloody.
"Please stop." You cry, running closer towards them. You should have stopped, you shouldn't have run in any closer but you did. The moment Suho opened his mouth to lunge for Sehun's neck, you stepped in the way, his teeth gripping your neck and shaking before he realized what he had done.
Within seconds Suho releases you and your body drops to the ground, blood spewing from your neck. Instantly they're both back in their human forms, huddling over you, trying to stop the bleeding.
"Ayn.. baby, I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry... I'm so.. sorry." Suho cries as you struggle to breathe. You reach your hand up, stroking his cheek before your eyes turn over to Sehun who is kneeling in the grass, tears shedding. A tear rolls down your cheek as you hiccup, your rigid breath becoming your last as you fade into nothingness.
Rage fills Sehun as he stares at the man who murdered his mate, the man who used to be his brother and leader but was now someone he didn't recognize.
"You did this." Sehun calmly says. "You killed her!" He yells, getting up and charging for Suho who just kneels there. Sehun tackles him, knocking his beaten body to the ground. Suho barely fights, he lays there as Sehun wraps his hands around his throat.
"Do it." Suho whispers. "Kill me. Let me see her again."
Sehun releases his neck, standing up, towering over the man. "You don't deserve that." Sehun says, limping towards the house as he hears the other men running towards them in the field.
"What happened!?" Minseok yells, stopping Sehun before he reaches the house.
He blankly stares at Minseok, trying to speak. "He.." he whispers. "He murdered Ayn." He finishes, moving past him to walk into the house, the fire that was once burning bright inside him was now gone, he was no longer mated.
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