#like i do genuinely think my self esteem or something has gotten better bc i am so fucking sad dont get mw wrong

[29121996]

.

[golbrocklovely]

i need to complain about this for two seconds lol

it has gotten on my LAST NERVE that this fandom constantly expects colby to pay attention to everyone. give everyone likes, notices, whatever. and when colby doesn't follow thru, he's seen as an asshole. but sam is never expected to do that.

prime example being the merch and reposting/liking fans.

colby has CONSISTENTLY been reposting and liking fans merch posts for a couple months now. and yet, what he's doing isn't enough. there are fans that think he doesn't repost enough of a "variety" of fans, aka he doesn't post plus size fans enough and according to some fans "only reposts fans that look like shea" basically.

imma need yall to consider not using colby to build up your self esteem and do so quickly.

bc look, i'm a plus size individual. i KNOW what it's like to be ignored for my body or made fun of for how i look and just in general to seek validation in men. i get it, i truly do. what i am saying is that colby DOES pay attention to a variety of fans, but bc he isn't constantly reposting bigger bodies, yall see it as him ignoring plus size fans.

this, tied with his dating history that you all love to think you know, you've have come to the conclusion that his type is a skinny, dark haired, blue eyed girl, and anything other than that is ignored.

and i can scream this from the roof tops, until i'm blue in the face: WE DO NOT KNOW COLBY LIKE THAT SO STOP ASSUMING.

we don't know his dating his history, hook up history, nothing. we don't know what his type is. just bc you've seen him with a couple different girls (that he may not have even been dating in the first place) over the years, doesn't mean you know his type.

not to mention if he has a type that is skinny girls with dark hair and blue eyes..... WHO FUCKING CARES?????? he's not trying to fuck any fans. he's reposting who he sees he's tagged in/what the algorithm shows him. be pissed at that, not at him.

bc fun fact: you're not owed a notice. a like. a repost. just bc you bought merch. how many fans have brought merch over the years and never got seen? thousands have. millions even. you aren't owed something just bc you gave money to them. what you are owed is the physical merch and that's it.

we've been having this same conversation for years now, literally since i joined the fandom. and back then, at 23, i felt the same way. i genuinely hated the idea that colby, and sam for that matter, wouldn't find me attractive and thus wouldn't repost me or like my merch pics. but as i've gotten older, and started to LIKE MYSELF, idc if snc think i'm hot or not. i think i'm hot, i don't give two shits what two random boys from kansas think.

stop relying on colby to make you feel better about yourself. stop relying on influencers in general to fill the void inside of you. work on yourself. snc are entertainment, and that's it. they are not your boyfriends who are gonna hold your hand and tell you you're beautiful. i'm sorry, but that's reality.

or... at the very least, if you're gonna continue to shit on colby for this, do the same to sam. sam literally doesn't repost any fans and only start to this past merch drop so like........... where's the outrage for him?

right, i forgot. sam does nothing wrong, but colby does everything wrong. my bad, must have forgot :)

[pinkseas]

(kicks the door down, fire surrounding me like a stage concert) I AM SAID AO3 USER COMMENT YOU WILL NEVER FIND MEEEEE I READ YOUR REPLY TO MINE AND BAWLED you get me you gget me so hard ao3 user anomaly98!!!!!!! (i did say in my comment i dug thru ur tumblr and here i am yet again)

not because i'm a prick not revealing myself thoughg i just have self esteem issues bc of liking qpr xiaolumi. yeah thas righrt i am shy of exposing that i dig this side of the r/s and i don't delve into the romantic one ever. prolly cus i'm an aromantic myself but like YOU KNOW- i just want to pop in to rlly emphasize the fics really do mean a lot to me in words you got it better described. that qpr in general has a different feel to intimacy and it fits them so nicely as people who are?? i guess, lonely but surrounded? (lumine to her friends who doesn't understand her enough, xiao to the adepti in that same matter, and the people of liyue who will never listen back to him), and here's another few disgustingly picky thing i got that your fics have that i tend to do in brainrotting it; most in lumine's pov and having her see through xiao's vulnerability firsthand. gosh that is so rare, you'd think bc he's always portrayed strong boi yaksha to protect the traveler all the time, but not in this perspective. and when yuou have her care for him both in the shower and bed just sends me straight face first into bed squealing crying blood of the consideration of ~~~~this whatever invisible distance~~~~ they have like its on lumine's condition to be aware of; she insists and ask first, and xiao is still allowed to say yes And no- and ~~~~this whatever closeness~~~~ xiao is reluctant to provide and its only to lumine's promptings in their friendship he accepts it, and felt warm enough to reach out if not in a ghostly touch.

very specifically, i love to see them not so in love with each other- i mean they can fall in love anytime (and in my interpretation they're a lot slower than yours in development but still a path to qpr eventually). i see their relationship as,... very fragile, but very grounding. its this small important part of their life they can shed their masks and be vulnerable like your recent fic to find each other's answers and resolve through it together because they're the Only two people of this world to understand (aside aether, aside all ppl xiao lost) that makes their dynamic so meaningful and i hope more ppl can see that side of them. ao3 user anomaly98 this is why YOU GET MEEEEEEEEE

deep breath.

if you do not wish to be found i will not search please know my inbox is always here i will welcome you with open arms <- pretend im saying this like Really Dramatically real somber real like. idk. like the way an ancient narrator begisn the story and reads the prophecy THAT kind of drama thats the vibe

its okay i would simply never assume u were a prick and i 100000% understand the insecurity that comes with enjoying certain aspects of ships and ESPECIALLY insecurity rooted in Being Aromantic and Enjoying Things In An Aromantic Sort Of Way like ive gotten way better its prob the only reason im able to write them how i want now but i ABSOLUTELY have been there i Understand

lonely but surrounded is SUCH a good way to put it. i genuinely do think lumine is close with a LOT of the others, i think she has a lot of trust and care for them, but its not the same. its not the same depth, not the same commitment, you're SO right comparing it to like. idk !!! idk. lumine once had aether who understood everything so easily and xiao had the other yakshas they both had a family, once, they both had people who understood, once, and now no matter who they love and trust in that matter they are alone. and that's something i love so much about the dynamic i envision for them, the fact that they're able to share such a unique loneliness, the fact that in not being understood by anyone around them they're able to understand each other. there's a level of distance and disconnect between them and those around them that doesn't exist with the other. its SO fucking important to me.

xiao is SO often depicted as being either a) very protective, strong, unbreakable etc or b) very vulnerable and fragile and i fairly often see fics of like. one of them protecting the other, almost? or less that but fics where the dynamic is Skewed, where one of them has the Role of protector and the other the Role of protected, where those roles are set in stone. and i think them being on the same wavelength, capable of protecting each other at any point, equally capable of either- that's so fucking important to me. it's not just that one of them is vulnerable, its that they're vulnerable with each other. it's not just that one of them will fight, it's that they'll fight for each other and fight together. it's equal. it's shared. so much between them is shared. their loneliness, their otherness, the unique way they feel about each other, their grief.

"i love to see them not so in love with each other" no bc this FUCKS. in my little brain i imagine it still takes time but i do definitely write it as being faster, and i think i imagine it as faster too? less rushing into it or any sense of need to be closer and more of just clicking so quickly, so easily, that what follows feels natural. "very fragile, but very grounding" is another REALLY good way of putting it your MIND oh my GOD!!!!!

idk just. for me so much of it is the small moments? sometimes when im walking out in the preserve the wind is cool and the air is fresh and the sun is warm and i think oh, this isn't so bad. this is lovely. and that's the kind of vibe i try to go for with them. contentedness over happiness, smaller gestures over grand ones. a quiet kind of love.

okay im losing my entire thought process idk that i had one to begin with admittedly but yknow. time to think about them for 120 billion years and never ever stop i wish iwasnt so tired id try writing more Literally Right Now. might try anyways and channel the sleepy into some sort of rly peaceful early morning/late night scene who knows

[perexcri]

Leah!!! Oh Lordy idofnwkfjajdjwfjejfjdjc Flirty And Happy/comfy w himself Will fic!! It’s like u can see Exactly inside my brain and know what kind of fic I’m craving. I’m so Very excited to see where you take this bc the first chapter was !!!!!🥰🥰🥰

“Mike’s always been one for boldness, for sculpting light out of darkness and shadows out of glows–obviously he’d like working with charcoals” screams. I Adore that Mike’s gotten into charcoal (also cackled that he was clearly trying to get art class w will poor bb)—it’s a hard medium to work w (I’m Bad at it) but I think ur right, I feel like Mike wouldn’t be bad at it.

“It takes Will a good two seconds to convince himself not to press his lips into Mike’s neck, just to dispel the word friend out of the air. Like, yes, they’re friends, but also…it’d be cool to be friends but also something else, right?

“Yeah,” Will finally says, already being dragged down into a cascading tornado of thoughts that begins with swingsets and ends with What are we, Mike?”

S c r e a m i n g rolling on the floor wiggling like a slug. E s pecially that last line of that bit. I’m going to Eat My Phone.

Earnest flirting Best flirting !!! Will is the most valid and correct person ever actually😌

Love me some Platonic Madwise and u write them so well—despite the fact that the show Hasn’t let them interact much at all— and just diandrkfjw.

Also!!! Willel!!! Siblings!! They’re so !!!

“The Party has its own intergroup dynamics and mini units that like to meet on their own for their own hangout time: the four boys have a weekly D&D session separate from the one they do with the girls; Lucas and Will sometimes meet to go on runs or work out; El and Max are practically inseparable; Lucas, Dustin, and Mike have set up shop in one of the unused utility closets to tinker with old A/V equipment the school had all but abandoned.” I’m literally So feral over this. the Party Being Friends!!!!!!! Kicking my feet rn

Painting for Mike :D !!!! I’m So rieicjshfjw invested in seeing how this is going to turn out !! Ur ability to set up plot that leaves me invested is like So talent and I just!!

ur writing is lovely wonderful and u are v wonderful and I hope you are having a fantastic weekend💕💕

VEEEE!! i'm glad i can provide what you're looking for 😌 i genuinely meant this to be a flirty fic, but i think i like where it ended up going instead better :D as funny as it is to write about these two being losers, it's been nice to write about Will being happy with who he is for once (especially since my other wip is just taking a scalpel to all of Mike's self-esteem issues but we don't have to talk about that right now)

!!! i'm glad i could have an artist agree with me on the charcoals thing!! i haven't used them since the art class i took my junior year of high school, but i remember them being my favorite thing to work with. Mike just seems like the kind of person who'd like black-and-white mediums. but more importantly: he just wanted to spend time with Will 😩

*punches wall* Will is going to be happy, dammit

and i'm glad you like that he's being earnest!! honestly this fic started off with a post i saw around new year's (which i haven't bothered to look for again but i know i reblogged it lol) talking about flirty Will. i tried to approach it like i did with cheer up, baby where i was taking a trope that often gets applied to Mike and was trying to imagine what it would look like if Will did it. in this case, i figured he'd be a lot more earnest with his flirting rather than teasing or brash. he just seems like the kind of person that would look at you with shiny anime eyes and say the most heartfelt thing you've ever heard

AHHHH i'm also so glad you're enjoying all the little group dynamics T_T i love Max/Will/El as a trio even though those three barely interact as a group in the show lol. i'd sell my soul for a whole season of st that's just the three of them hanging out tbh

heheheh yesss a painting for Mike!! i'm gonna make everybody's theory that the painting was gonna be one of them meeting on the swing set a reality even if it kills me. i'm still recovering from the whiplash of watching vol2 and Mike unrolling the canvas - i literally watched it the first time and went "but isn't it supposed to be them on the swings?? did they not get the memo?"

Vee i know i only finished posting aftry like a week ago but i got so used to marathon-posting it and seeing your thoughts on each chapter every day that i've missed see your name pop up in my ask box ajkfsdalkj. so it was lovely to wake up and see a new message from you!! you are lovely to talk with as always, and i am wishing you a wonderful weekend too!! or, i guess it's technically monday, so i am wishing you a lovely week!! :] 💜💜💜

[charmixpower]

Any Sky vs Riven HCs? It's always abt Riven's issues and thoughts on Sky but what about Sky's perspective on Riven?

The show made their rivalry completely one-sided and that's so unsexy of them. Mutual hatred and rivalries are so much more fun and hotter. Guaranteed

Sky and Riven's opinions eachother:

Season One;

Sky -

Remember in s2 when Sky was so mad about Avalon (before he knew Avalon was evil) he ended up in the trees with a set of binoculars. Sky has a control problem me thinks, Riven has a problem being controlled, you can see why they don't like eachother

Riven works much better when he's allowed to innovative and not stick to a script and Sky is the exact opposite, the difference is that Sky tries to make everyone line up with what he thinks is correct

Thinks Riven is both an asshole and a complete delinquent and has a BAD habit of micromanaging Riven's actions. I usually don't consider s4 canon, but with his tree business, Sky leaning over Timmy's shoulder the whole time the girls were in the game is so like him

Doesn't hate Riven but is endlessly annoyed with him. Sky puts a lot more credit to the rare moments when they have a normal conversation together. If Sky became more agreeable to Riven I think Riven would be still very wary of him, but if the reverse happened Sky would happily accept him

When Riven is manipulated into thinking Bloom attacked him, the genuine hurt on his face when he and Brandon (correctly) don't believe him is something that genuinely takes Sky a back

Is very horrified at post CT jump Riven's conviction that Sky genuinely wants him dead, because??? No??? They we're never friends but he always wanted the best for him

Riven -

Oh my god if this fucking rich boy doesn't stop pointing out his every little flaw he's going to strangle him. Correction, he's already trying to strangle him

Thinks Sky is purposely lording his superior education and natural talent over him, looking down on him, and Riven hates it, he fucking hates it so much

Riven constantly picks fights with him to prove he's good enough to not be nitpicked, be in a group with the best, and his deep seeded insecurities and inferiority complex grows with every defeat

Riven always assumes the worst in people and Sky has a bad tendency to make really bad implications without noticing, Riven is half convinced Sky is doing it on purpose. The other half of him thinks Sky wouldn't do that

Tho he respects the fact that Sky never snitches on Riven for constantly trying to fight him and other little stuff that the other nobility LOVE to get on his ass about constantly. Respect where it's due, Sky is an annoying rich boy, but he's not as awful as he could be

This is just enough for Riven to tolorate Sky in doses without wanting to murder him

Deeply deeply dislikes Sky, but doesn't actually hate him until the Trix convince him that Bloom tried to kill him and Sky and Brandon didn't believe him. That hurt. It hurt way more than Riven thought betrayal from them would hurt

This is what causes Riven to actually hate Sky. Riven has always been paranoid that Sky secretly hated him and wanted him gone, and Darcy played into his conformation bias hard

After his little hop off a tower, his tendancy to think the worst of people mixes with his depression and rock bottom self esteem, and he convinces himself that Sky hates him enough that his continued existence is annoying to him

Season Two;

Sky -

"Hey, have you eaten and gotten a full nights sleep today? The nurse said that will help your condition—"

He's channeled all of his control freak energy into care taking. His not friend jumped off a fucking tower, forgive him for being worried

Sky is a mother hen, glad to inform you of this. No one really understood this except for Bloom and Brandon (and Flora bc she's so emotionally intelligent) but now all of the guys are subjective to Sky's usually tendencies but focused around care taking

Tries to stop mentioning anything about Riven's form or technique to just give him a break

Sky is about to cover Riven in bubble wrap, please stop getting hurt, your scaring the local prince

Riven -

"Why is the rich boy pestering me?"

Thinks Sky only cares for the sake of his image and PR or only out of a misplaced sense of guilt. Cannot and will not be convinced that it's because Sky actually cares. Trust me Aisha has been trying for hours at this point

Doesn't have the energy to put up a fight against Sky's mother henning, depression gang gang, but it makes Riven spiral a bit. Tends to ping pong between being angry that he's being pitied and not understanding Sky's motivation in the slightest

Too busy being depressed and rethinking every life choice he's ever made to think about Sky too much

Season Three;

Sky -

Considers Riven a friend, they're not close by any standard, but they're buddies. They willing hang out with only one other person around. Big process from when they couldn't go three seconds without trying to fight eachother in s1

Then he gets mindcontrolled into being in love with someone, and there is soo much fucked about that I can't even get into it. So many feelings of violation

Intentionally clinged to Riven in the aftermath because Riven has gone through being in a relationship under false pretenses with some mind and emotion control mixed in (though in a very different why and under very different circumstances) and just need any help and support and thought Riven was his best bet for actionable advice and empathy

Riven -

Was very happy when Riven quickly reciprocated this and begun telling Sky all about his healing process and what Sky should expect, advice he got from professionals, and things that have never gone away

Using Riven as support untill he feels safe in his own head again

They're still not close close, but after this they can hangout one on one without it getting deathly awkward and uncomfortable. They're full fledged friends baby

Has been!! Finally!! Convinced!! That Sky doesn't hate him!! Godbless you little dumbass

Sky seems to genuinely care about him and Riven's finally willing to accept it

Sky still slips up and says things that have terrible implications, and Riven still has a bad habit of taking things in the worst possible way, but Riven makes a conscious effort to give Sky the benefit of the doubt

*pointing at Sky getting mindcontrolled by Valtor's mark* "No!! My friends people aren't supposed to go though the horrors!!!"

No one really understands the exact brand of terror not being able to trust your own actions, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions like Riven does so makes an active effort to be there for Sky during the aftermath

Like doing everything that made him feel better, telling Sky things his therapist told him before Sky was ready to do his own therapy, stuff like that. Riven knows what this was like and really doesn't want Sky to be alone though this

Bonding over trauma at three am is a very normal friend activity

Finally is able to take Sky at his word without taking him in the worst way possible, or getting defensive. There's finally a sense of trust there

[itsclydebitches]

I’m the tin foil hat anon and I wanted to thank you for the response on my bb submission, you make great points. Although I was frustrated that some of them raised even more questions I didn’t think of myself… UGH… lol the S2 wait is gonna be painful

On the point of crosshair thinking his chip was removed a looong time ago(meaning before bracca or even as early as ep1) it wouldn’t make sense bc of his response to Hunter’s “you tried to kill us, we didn’t have a choice”. He says “and I did?”. So he seems to be aware he couldn’t control himself in all their previous encounters. Does it mean he knows his actions were due to chip then?

And you say crosshair avoiding the “when” question can be due to him not caring if the horrible actions he committed are chip or himself and it’s meant to show that he truly is despicable and evil. It could be the case because he shows absolutely no remorse or regret over slaughtering civilians, never apologizes to his brothers for not only trying to kill them but almost successfully incinerating(!!!) them. On top of that (apparently) without a chip he casually murders his own squad without a blink of an eye right in front of them.

On the other hand, he shows care for Omega’s safety in that episode and wants a better place in the universe for his brothers(even if it’s obviously a mistake). He sounds hurt and betrayed by them yet he still wants what he thinks is best for them. He seemed genuine and sincere in that moment. Even after they refused to join he protected them against the droids. He had multiple opportunities to shoot Hunter or others in the back but never did(and looked like didn’t even consider it). BUT after all of that he decides to raise his gun and try to shoot hunter who already has his gun drawn?! And in front of the whole squad holding him at gun point!!! WTF was he thinking?! WHY? I know they rejected his offer but still. Did his reveal completely change his plans? I just don’t understand. I know he is meant to be “complex and nuanced character with layers” but what a mood swing lmao

As much as I loved and enjoyed the bad batch overall I’m beginning to think that all these inconsistencies aren’t meant to be a crafty set up for next season. What they most likely are is just writers being vague on purpose so they don’t write themselves into a corner.

And as to why the batch and Omega didn’t even try to rescue their brother could just be so that Hunter and Crosshair would have this drama and disagreement at the end. Despite brad rau claiming their argument was over ideological differences. And Jen Corbett saying in that same cursed interview that the batch always love and support each other no matter what because they’re family. Well, I guess not crosshair, he doesn’t count anymore lol

And I agree with you I’d rather see the batch acknowledging they could have done more to try and rescue him than go into the chip details. However, I have a suspicion the real reason or explanation on why they never went back for him isn’t going to be brought up ever. Even *in universe* it simply does not make sense. Just makes me sad seeing how many people also try to come up with explanations. That should have been the writers job to provide something besides Hunter’s “you tried to kill us” bc that’s a weak argument and a total bs since he was SHOCKED to learn crosshair doesn’t have a chip.

Btw sorry for the long posts lol I just found your takes very intriguing

The season two wait is something awful and I only just started it lol. No worries about long asks though! My blog has become quite meta heavy over the years, so this is normal for my inbox. Besides, it’s a bit of a pot and kettle situation. It's not like my answers are particularly concise :D

Okay first, I have the unpopular (?) opinion that Crosshair was never planning to shoot Hunter, partly for the reasons you lay out here. You’re right, it doesn’t make sense, and rather than just accepting that he had that kind of “mood swing" (which would be pretty bad writing based on everything else we've seen) I think it does make sense that this was never his intention at all. Rather, it’s just a setup to make the audience think he’s about to shoot Hunter—that’s the obvious goal of that moment: the shock, drama, confusion, and then relief—but that doesn’t mean that in-universe that was ever Crosshair’s goal, even for just a split second. Omega leaves the pod. Echo, crucially, says that he can’t see her, setting up that Crosshair with his enhanced sight is probably the only one who could. He grabs his rifle off screen and as he does, Hunter leans over the side of the pod as he prepares to jump in, precisely where Crosshair needs to aim to hit Omega. Hunter is in his way. He’s directly in the line of fire, not because Crosshair is aiming for him, but just because that's where Omega is and they're both aiming for her: Crosshair with his rifle, Hunter ready to dive. The little shift Crosshair makes reads to me as him ensuring he doesn’t hit Hunter, despite him being right where he needs to aim, not him full on changing targets.

Even if we choose to read it as him deliberately aiming at Hunter—because yeah, the scene is meant to be ambiguous—I don’t think he, like, meant it meant it. Crosshair, as we’ve seen throughout TBB and TCW, can be pretty antagonistic. He likes to do things to get a rise out of people, like staring at regs until they snap at him, or pushing Rex’s buttons until he swings. If he was choosing to aim at Hunter in that moment, rather than Hunter just being in the way, I think it’s only bravado. Remember the “Don’t make the same mistake twice. Don’t make me your enemy” line? Crosshair has a need to remind others of his skill and power—whether it’s playfully like in TCW, or more seriously in TBB—and that’s likely what this is here. “Hey, Hunter. Look. I got my weapon back. I’ve got you cornered. I’m about to save our sister when you can’t. Remember that I’m good and you need me.” Those feelings of abandonment are tied up in that need to be needed, so when Crosshair is seething at being left behind, brutally showing them how he can get a drop on their leader and doing the thing they can't (save Omega) is a great way to remind them of what they threw away/re-boost his own self-esteem. But none of that means shooting Hunter was ever a real possibility. Because nowhere else do we see Crosshair willingly trying to harm his team. He does while under the chip’s influence, but then he never hurts Hunter when he’s captured. He kills his new team before they can hurt the batch. He helps them fight off the droids. There’s a tussle, but it’s not choreographed like either he or Hunter truly intends harm. Crosshair demonstrates no aggression during the entire escape, willingly gives up his weapon after saving Omega, and just stands there as they leave. If this guy actually wanted to hurt them, he would. Which is more likely, that Crosshair had a split second of real murder intent across two episodes of doing everything possible to help his team, or that this was just a mean bluff?

But personally, I don’t even think it was a bluff. I think the coincidence of Crosshair needing to aim there and Hunter already being there is just meant to imply an attack for the audience, not imply that Crosshair, in-universe, ever intended to hurt him, even for just a second. If he had, he wouldn’t look so surprised and sad when he realizes the others are pointing their weapons at him. If he was out to shoot Hunter, even if only for a moment, seeing his brothers come to his defense would be expected; a given. But if he only ever intended to save Omega, then seeing their weapons trained on him would produce the emotions we saw: shock that they’d turn on him and then severe disappointment. From Crosshair’s perspective, he didn’t do anything wrong and never intended to do wrong either. Hence, looking away in disbelief that his need to aim through Hunter was taken as a serious threat. He's realizing that they honestly believe that he would hurt them. Not the chipped version of him, but just him, all on his own.

As for the rest of his characterization, I think your point that “You tried to kill us” is a weak argument is pretty important. Meaning, Crosshair knows he didn’t attack his team and nearly kill them, the Empire controlling him like a puppet did. He (arguably) doesn’t owe them an apology for something that he was as much a victim for. However, we usually expect one anyway—like Wrecker still apologizing to Omega—because that's how people who have hurt loved ones react, whether the hurt was intentional or not, but that guilt is currently overshadowed by his fury that they left him behind. For him I think it’s a bit of a circular problem. Yes, he nearly killed them… but he wouldn’t have nearly killed them if they’d come back and rescued him. With the obvious disclaimer that the Empire is the real evil here, Crosshair as a threat is a bit of a problem of the batch's own making. If they’d done the right thing and gotten him out, there wouldn’t have been these scary moments like the engine incident. If they’d at least tried, then Crosshair likely would have been more guilt-ridden because he hurt his brothers who were trying to help him. As it stands, he tried to hurt the people who claim they're his brothers, but who left him behind. That's why he presents this second chance as magnanimous: from Crosshair's perspective, they haven't done anything to earn his care, but they're getting it anyway. An apology though? That's pushing things too far. If when Wrecker turned the group had locked him somewhere in the ship and gone off planet, leaving him there under the justification “Well, he tried to kill us!" would Wrecker still return with apologies for his actions... or would he be primarily pissed at being left like that, withholding apologies because they did him harm intentionally, whereas he did harm under another's control? I mean, maybe he'd be forgiving (the huge difference between his and Crosshair’s personalities is another factor), but also maybe not. Having Crosshair apologize for the near-death experiences requires 1. For him to feel responsibility for something that was forced on him and 2. For him to not be absolutely furious at the batch for abandoning him. They've gotta work through that before Crosshair can acknowledge that guilt.

Killing his second team on the other hand… idk if the batch cares, honestly. It was the killing of civilians that they balked at, not other fighters like themselves. Even the Jedis’ execution, something they clearly didn’t like, wasn’t enough to turn them from the Empire, presumably because the Jedi are capable of defending themselves. They fell in battle. It’s only when the Empire asks them to kill kids and untrained civilians that they go, “Absolutely not. This organization is evil.” Murder of other fighters was, you know, not great, but not worth defecting over either. Crosshair’s second team is made up of fighters who have been trying to kill them, so they’re definitely fair game. If we removed Crosshair’s plan from the situation and the batch was just fighting their way off Kamino after a capture, would they have also killed the team without a blink of an eye? Probably. It's self-defense. The second they raised their blasters it became a battle and, unless you’re specifically out to stun someone for some reason, battles end bloody. The shock is which side Crosshair was on, not that one side was willing to murder the other. It’s definitely messed up from our perspective that Crosshair laid a trap to murder his team to prove a point… but from the batch’s perspective? Crosshair killed a bunch of imperial fighters who were threatening them during a battle. That’s just an average Tuesday for them, nothing much to get upset over.

And omg don’t get me started on Crosshair wanting to find Omega a family! Like yeah, it’s obviously a #mistake and his faith in the Empire is Super Messed Up but... the underlying motivation is so good. It’s another situation where there’s no easy answer. Which is more important: Omega’s emotional health where she grows up with clones like her, the people who are now 100% her family, or her physical health, where she stays some place where she’s not always getting shot at, kidnapped, at risk of going hungry, etc.? It’s easy as the audience to go, “Of course she belongs with her dads!!” but if you choose to read the story through any realistic lens, Crosshair absolutely has a point about this being terrible environment for a kid, the exact point the batch themselves were making until Omega begged to stay. I love my feral, compassionate child but let me tell you, I YELLED when she yeeted herself out of that pod. This is a traumatized, formerly isolated kid with absolutely zero self-preservation, combined with, at times, a lack of basic common sense that’s inevitable in children (like not realizing she can’t pull a very heavy droid up through the water). As emotionally gutting as the thought is and, in this particular case, a Very Bad Idea, I really can’t fault anyone for raising the possibility that she go somewhere else, somewhere she’s likely to survive into her teens 😅

[ghoestys]

i’m literally pulling this out of my ass so if there are errors and stuff doesnt make sense then please myob and pretend like u understand what im saying im trying to do this before i get caught not doing hw he comes at 6 n its 5:43 rn 

statistics

full name: suzy nora yoon nickname(s): su, suz (pronounced like snooze without the n)  age: twenty three date of birth: tba! hometown: tba! gender: cis female religion: athiest sexuality: bisexual hair colour: black/dark brown eye colour: brown height: 5'5″ tattoos: tba! piercings: tba!

prompt + blackmail

a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-three and a senior undergrad student majoring in aviation engineering. they are as gregarious as they are aimless.

TW DRUGS!  1. to pay for yale's very expensive tuitition, suzy sells weed that's both fake and real, depending on who is buying and if she likes them. she's not a good seller, though, so this hasn't been the best form of income for her. 2. got accepted into the aviation engineering program, but suzy can't complete her homework without the help of drugs to keep her mind focused and creative enough to understand the problems

about 

family/upbringing/childhood/wtvr

so! literally pulling this out of my ass and making things up as i go! suzy was born in a family with her parents (mom & dad), her older sister, and her older brother. the family was strictly middle class and her parents and siblings were very hardworking. her siblings were good at what they did and they excelled in their academics because they tried hard and all that stuff!

growing up, suzy followed her siblings and her parents and was basically a gifted child from the very start. elementary and middle school was not hard for her and she was in all the advanced and gifted programs. the family was calm and there wasn’t anything drastic that removed the peace or caused any disruption at all. like. they were just chillin. 

i think suzy had an average relationship with her parents. they were still asian, so like... it’s as good as it was going to get. she was somewhat close to her siblings, but seeing as they were 5/8 years older than her, the age gap wasn’t that welcoming to the baby of the family. she was kinda just.. having fun on her own being smart n shit. 

anyways! high school! where all gifted kids literally come to die! due to her shit from elem & middle school, she was offered a full ride scholarship to some prestigious school and as asian parents, they were NOT going to reject that free ride to a school that would help ensure suzy’s success in the future. she went from being one of the smartest kids to being another burnt out gift child and high school was fucking ROUGH! 

bitch really had a fucking crisis and burned the fuck out. her not being the smartest bitch anymore literally killed everything in her and she just stopped being that. she met people and what do u know! got into the wrong crowd where drugs and alcohol was everyones bff! 

she got into that pretty heavily by sophomore year i would say. she was just. yea. 

i mean. she was burnt out  but her grades were still fine if u saw them. studying isnt hard for suzy and shes pretty smart, but she wasn’t at the very top of her class anymore and thats what killed her. instead of having straight a’s, suzy was getting b’s and a few c’s. in a family where anything other than an a was acceptable it really just killed suzy some more 

anyways! drugs and alcohol! made her feel good so she did it. she found that weed was the best thing as well as some tranquilizers/anything that relaxed her essentially. she just liked the feeling of floating n not caring or feeling any pressure like. she wanted to b in her own world n shit. 

college/the elites

after graduating high school, she didnt apply to college right away because honestly? drugs and alcohol and a bitch didnt care by her senior year. her grades were not the best and while she couldve gotten into college, she literally had no interest for college and her parents at this point baiscally disowned her so like? who the fuck is gonna pay for her college??

her work ethic is the worst bc shes so careless like. bitch had a shift from 1-7pm and showed up at 5 because she literally didnt feel bothered enough to show up.

anyways a year or so after graduating high school (idk the math rn) she got really high off something and just. did a whole ass application to yale bc she decided to apply for the shits n giggles. wrote a fake letter of recommendation, wrote killer essay and personal reflection shit or wtvr, and even submitted the application with an attached document of her outlining an entire airplane that wouldve been fully functional except for a few tweaks n shit that was needed

she some how got in from that (this is fake this would probs not b real <3 teehee) and bc she was now accepted and going to yale (she accepted high aha a theme for her), she had to think about how to fund for this shit so she decided to get into drug dealing!

which is honestly. not going good like a bitch again has poor work ethics so her as a drug dealer is so.... she literally got into it bc of euphoria bc it looked easy but doing it... is not easy at all but its her only form of funding so she’s doing it. kinda. loosely. please fire her. 

idk where to put this but. suzy is kinda like that girl from the queens gambit where she feels like she needs drugs to function so like she ditches class but she’ll do all her assignments nicely bc she thinks the drugs give her superpowers to b smart n at the top of her academic class again

when shes under the influence of anything she feels like she can function more or like her life is just... better when shes not sober and ull rarely really see her sober like shes usually just on something 

idk where the post is rn bc im too lazy to look for it bc i jsut got a text that he was coming now but!!! its the tweet where a guy was drunk n drew up an entire blue print of an airplane and that is literally fucking suzy i swear to god 

when shes high she’s like the smartest bitch around (shes smart without drugs but doesnt believe that) and can build airplanes n blueprints n solve maths n wtvrs

suzy is truly an asian stem bitch and the sciences and math is where she excels the most!!!! probs won awards n competitions for math and science but doesnt really acknowledge that much becase like... its just not something shes focused on

got into the elites by just making a blueprint of a plane from scratch infront of the twins like. legit just went infront of them, started making the blueprint from scratch to finish n gave it to  them saying here is a blueprint for a new private plane u guys can build for urselves 

personality 

personality wise she is very friendly n goofy n chill n chaotic 

literally a dumbass n honestly really annoying just ask orion 

shes just a stoner having fun doing her life n not really caring about anything like. how she made it to senior year who the fuck knows i really  dont honestly

i think the main way to describe her is bimbo like thats it 

not really into sharing her life and is more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations that are genuinely deep and personal. she will not talk to u about her problems and insecurities seriously (maybe she’ll do it in a self deprecating way) unless she trusts u w her life. otherwsie she will keep it to herself n prays that her stoner part will make people believe shes just chillin w no problems

when it comes to conversations about  nonsense n fake deep shit like what is air then suzy will not shut the fuck up like if u wanna talk to someone about nonsense then suzy is truly ur bitch like. a bitch can fucking talk 

doesnt mind being alone bc she has fun on her own but she prefers company more bc she likes having fun and having someone to accompany wtvr she does. whether its for smoking/drinking or hanging out but also just for like... going to class if she chooses to attend and doing everyday errands like groceries or wtvr. she doesnt really do groceries tho bc she just steals orions fodo but when she does choose to go she likes having people with her :) 

she doesnt have a passion for anything bc she doesnt dream of labor but the closest thing about b making airplanes or helicopters like. blueprints  come easy to her n she enjoys making them bc she feels like shes actually capable of something bc shes aware that making them isnt something everyone can do 

u can treat her like a dumbass n she wont call u on it even tho shes kinda smart bc she feels like shes a dumbass

most likely has bad self esteem and feels like a failure but uses drugs n alcohol to ignore that feeling :) 

probs the least judgemental person ull ever meet bc she really doesnt care about what u do like. she hears the secrets getting outted n she doesnt care there r high chances that she’ll still look at u the same way

[many-gay-magpies]

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better

[buried-l0cket]

Hi okay I have more to say but this is a very long completely incoherent ramble that was SUPPOSED to be about instinctive female bonds and why men don’t understand or know how to write it and that’s why HTM’s characterization of the girls and the way they treat each other makes no sense but i got distracted a lot and also i don’t think i fully finished thinking through my point here so mainly this is just a really long rant about Chandler’s character that then leads into Why The Musical Writers Can’t Write Girls For Shit and then ya that’s it good luck.

Like the big issue with HTM’s early characterization: From the start they’re insistent on making every girl in the musical fucking DESPISE each other. And I know this points kinda confusing because, most of the girls in the movie do dislike each other. Veronica does admit she doesn’t really feel that bad that Chandler’s dead, just that she herself did the deed and is now a murderer. Duke says she’s prayed for Chandler’s death. Chandler treats Duke like shit. 

But so many people treat Chandler the same as the other characters when her entire character’s purpose isn’t to be a character like the others, she’s there to symbolize elitism and power. If you think about it she’s also a characterization of the movie’s view on society. She forces Veronica into uncomfortable situations with men at a party for her own gain, she puts Duke down constantly because she knows she’s an intelligent girl who wouldn’t quietly and blindly follow the leader like Mac if she thought she could BE the leader and be on top, she bullies other girls to keep her position, not because she’s an Accurate Depiction of a Teenage Girl. She’s just the privileged white 1%, she’s used as a visual for the corruptible power that we’re going to see passed along throughout the movie after she loses it through death. That’s why anyone who comes into power starts to take on her traits, the scrunchie, the red color scheme, in earlier scripts it was way more blatant but characters in power will even start talking like her, using her unique coins of phrases. Sorry, I’m getting a little sidetracked by this specific point bc this just really interests me and the fandom rarely talks about it because, understandably, we’d rather look at her as a 3D character, she’s interesting and mysterious and cold in the ground not 30 minutes in so naturally we want more and fluff her up with headcanons until she’s her own character. But for the plot and message’s purposes, she may as well just be the red scrunchie itself. Heather Chandler is an idea.

So these adaptations seeing her and running with it, keeping her alive through the whole story (P*eathers) and having her act that same way, and THEN using that as a basis for how all the other girls should treat each other, using it as an excuse for why the girls should all want nothing more for the others then death, is silly. She wasn’t a character, she was a representation of the oppression and control placed on the female characters by society. And even THEN, because that symbolism couldn’t be too heavy handed and she couldn’t just exist on her own, floating around the characters and not having a life, she’s tethered to reality and other characters through relationships and those relationships aren’t nearly as bad as adapters since have led us to believe!!! Chandler is a symbol of power and elitism because she, like the characters to come, has been corrupted by it. She’s just past redemption and at this point is that Power and Elitism herself. THAT’S what Waters was showing us when he took the sweetest Heather, Duke, and had her become exactly like Chandler after rising to power. Power corrupts, Chandler wasn’t just born like that. She’s canonically Veronica’s best friend, Veronica is just now deciding she hates being around Chandler. So Chandler has gotten worse over time. Mac gets severely depressed because of her death in earlier scripts. Her friends all care about her to a degree, except for Duke but she is literally Duke’s abuser. Veronica and Duke get angry at each other later in the movie so male writers adapting the story since have always made them hate each other from the start for literally NO reason (looking at the musical), but in reality at the start of the movie Duke and Veronica are portrayed as the closest of the two. They’re kind to each other, Duke comes over every week to listen to a radio show they both like, she’s also seemingly close enough to Veronica’s family to let herself into their home. They care about each other and Veronica is genuinely shocked and upset when Duke’s personality changes later on. In the movie Duke is a sad, mentally ill girl abused by Chandler who is scared to admit to herself that she wishes Chandler was dead until it actually happens and she’s relieved, who happily continues to be friends with Mac and work on getting her self esteem back for the rest of the movie after Chandler’s death until JD encourages her to take over the seat of power, likely so that someone ELSE doesn’t and start abusing her the way Chandler did. In the musical, she’s a 2D petty jealous bitch who wants Chandler dead so she can be in charge and who immediately starts abusing Mac back at the first chance she gets. In the movie Mac is a girl in an assumably abusive relationship with a rapist who goes on a double date with him, his friend, and Veronica, a date on which Mac gets raped and Veronica narrowly escapes being raped, and then the next day at school those rapists tell everyone that Veronica had a threesome with them, we don’t see Mac’s reaction to this and Duke is never even MENTIONED. In the musical Mac and DUKE go on this double date, at the first signs of trouble trick Veronica into going out there so she can get raped while they escape and sit in their car happily watching Veronica struggle to not get raped and then help spread the threesome rumor the next day. They’re not only made more at fault, they’re also given the majority of the fault that the rapists originally had, they’re made responsible for their own suffering as well as the other woman’s. 

Even Veronica, in the musical where she’s portrayed as “sweeter” and “kinder” and more “innocent” than her movie’s counterpart is given this pretentious I’m Not Like Other Girls mindset, looking down on the Heathers’ from the start not because she’s their friend and they’re cruel to people which she doesn’t like but because she’s an alternative outsider and they’re the Pretty Popular Girls tm and NO way is she like them but better befriend them to take advantage of their position. She makes fun of Duke’s eating disorder to her face, she does everything she can to distance herself from these girls from the start. 

I’m rambling but the main point I’m trying to make is men just... don’t understand the complex relationship women have with one another. We’re like pack animals. When you’re raised in a society that is built to break you down, prevent you from succeeding in favor of men, and tries to turn you against each other, yes you will fall into it in small ways. Make fun of each other’s appearances, gossip, that kind of shit. Teenagers suck. But girls also have an almost primal connection and protective relationship. There are just more layers to it then men seem to understand. Pettily saying something mean about your friend is an entirely different situation than tricking her into getting raped and watching. 

[hzcleski]

hello friends! you probs know who i am already but if not hello! i’m sam aaand this is my newish muse! i played hal here for a minute one time but i’ve decided to give him a huuuuge revamp so character info is under the cut! lmk if you wanna plot! messaging me @ellvie​ is probably easiest!

╰☆╮ DYLAN O'BRIEN ─ HAL ZALESKI identifies as CIS MALE and uses HE/HIM pronouns. they’re a FORMER OLYMPIAN/NHL PLAYER, and they’re only TWENTY THREE ! they’re said to be CAPABLE, but also TURBULENT. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE LEGACY in the tabloids.

quick disclaimer that this is a sideblog so i might post to the wrong account sometimes

other disclaimer a lot of my hockey information is from google ok

nathan harold zaleski jr was practically born with a pair of skates on, which makes sense considering his family is hockey royalty. his father is nathan harold zaleski sr, aka a legend and one of the biggest names in sports to this very day. olympic gold medalist several times over, beloved longtime defenseman for the toronto maple leafs, at the very peak of his career and married to a beautiful wealthy socialite when his only child was born.

listen...this is an au where the maple leafs are good or like, had one genuinely good star player in nathan sr. okay thanks for coming to my ted talk!

he’s got dual citizenship because he was born in canada even though he hasn’t lived there since he was ten, but his parents were us citizens, which doesn’t seem important but WAIT FOR IT

nathan jr, who would begin going by the nickname of hal early on in life, probably learned how to skate before he even learned how to walk because of course he did. his father’s intention was always to have another him. i mean for fuck’s sake they have the exact same name. hal’s purpose in life has never been in question, not by him or anyone who’s ever seen him play.

his natural talent for hockey became apparent from a very young age, which didn’t surprise anyone ofc. his father saw it as a sign and began pushing him even harder, hiring the very best trainers and coaches to help perfect his game while nathan sr focused on his own career.

except that he was running out of steam and fast. nothing happened like there was no huge scandal or career ending injury. nathan sr was just...getting old. fans were simply losing interest in him as newer and younger players joined the league and there was nothing he could really do about it except make sure his legacy lived on.

hal was ten years old when everything seemed to finally fall apart. his dad was hanging on to the very last threads of his career, let go from the maple leafs and almost certainly picked up by the new york rangers purely out of pity. meanwhile, hal’s parents finally divorced which he took almost alarmingly well for a ten year old, but it’s not like his parents were ever a shining example of a deep, loving marriage. they spent years settling the divorce, fighting back and forth while suing the shit out of each other across whole fuckin countries. lowkey they almost wound up being more famous for the legal drama than they were for hockey.

hal’s dad finally retired when he was twelve, won sole custody of him when he was fourteen, and pulled enough strings to get him a spot on the canadian hockey team dual citizenship! going to the 2010 vancouver winter olympics when he was just a teenager, making him one of the youngest players to ever compete in the games.

and canada won gold that year so hal was making history again in no time, being one of the youngest players to ever become a gold medalist in the winter olympics. now he didn’t actually see a lot of playing time that year. his skill was undeniable, but no one seemed to think that he was ready for the big time rush. tbh they probably weren’t wrong, but nevertheless his name and his win made an impression on everyone.

up until that point hal was homeschooled bc ofc education came second to hockey, but he always wanted to attend an actual school and he did! after his first olympics his dad finally sent him to the same private school in the city as all the other rich kids and it was...weird! he started in the middle of the year and was instantly an outsider among his classmates. everyone else had known each other all their lives so hal immediately at a disadvantage. it didn’t help that he’d never really...had a single friend before. tbh his peers were probably intimidated by him. he was just a high schooler and already an olympic gold medalist like...ofc no one wanted to be the person to go approach him and say hi.

played for canada again dual citizenship! at the 2014 winter olympics in sochi when he was eighteen and this time HE WAS THE STAR. absolutely at the top of his game. anyone who still thought that he was a joke before the games started shut up real quick when he won his second gold medal.

he got home and was eventually drafted into the nhl, so he sorta ditched school oops. technically he finished but like...barely since he went back to being tutored for the last few months.

several teams wanted him and tried to throw a shit ton of money at him, but hal settled on the new york rangers with a huge multi million dollar deal

he quickly stole hearts on and off the ice. whether fans admired his skill or followed him during the olympics or remembered his father, for one reason or another he was winning people over left and right. unsurprisingly he’d go on to win the 2014-2015 rookie of the year award, presented to him by the president of the nhl and everything.

he did not attend the 2018 winter olympics in pyeongchang as the nhl famously refused to release their players. hal himself was a major part of the uproar. the whole country of canada dual citizenship! practically threw a fucking fit bc the nhl was disqualifying their star player from winning them their third gold medal in a row and hey big surprise...canada didn’t win gold in 2018 :)

hal’s in the middle of his fifth i think? year of pro hockey rn and so far his career has been solid. his dad is really pushing him to sign with a “better team” and he has gotten offers, but he isn’t really interested. he likes playing for new york & he likes living in new york. maybe someday....maybeeee....but for right now he’s happy with where he is.

okay now for some fast facts!

literally always looks like he just got into a fight, probably bc he just did during his last game. is usually sporting some injury like a black eye or split lip or cut cheek. fortunately hasn’t completely given in to the hockey player stereotype by getting all of his fuckin teeth knocked out...yet

notice that i hardly mentioned his mom? that about sums up their relationship tbh. hal was practically raised by nannies and trainers. his mom always had some brunch or gala or public appearance she was far more invested in. literally she didn’t even really...want custody of him when she divorced his dad, but she claimed to just to be petty and give nathan sr an even more difficult time. yeah they kinda hate each other now and since hal has always been closer to his dad, his mom isn’t even really that interested in seeing him lmao. she’ll call like once a month and invites him to brunch if she happens to be in the city, but ngl hal probably hasn’t seen her in like...a couple years at the least. he’s not really broken up about it either.

right so...walking talking endless pit of daddy issues? you bet! just because hal prefers his dad doesn’t mean that they get along or that his dad is a good person. he still has his perfect public image and he isn’t complete garbage but...yeah their relationship is extremely toxic. he’s always been very harsh with hal, pushing him and pushing him to be the best bc nothing he accomplishes is ever good enough.

so what if he's won two olympic gold medals? so what if he was rookie of the year? so what if he’s considered one of the best and most beloved players in the nhl? he can do more, he can be even better. his dad is a constant voice in his head even though he’s always around anyway. he never misses a game or an opportunity to point out hal’s every flaw.

ofc as a result hal’s always been very hard on himself. every single day of his entire life has been spent basing his self worth off what his father thinks of him. it was awful for his self esteem bc no fucking duh.

HOWEVER. it isn’t public knowledge at this time, but as of right now? hal’s relationship with his father is falling apart faster and faster by the moment. they’re a ticking time bomb & it’s literally only a matter of time before they explode yikes!

fortunately hal could sorta sense the direction things were heading and did something about it. he finally moved out when the hockey season started back in october and he’s been feeling better ever since. like he has more control over his life even though his dad is still WAY too involved.

personality: a douchebag who means no harm, mostly because he's never really trying to be a jerk. tends to come across as a typical meathead jock for good reason bc that’s exactly who he is. in conversation he's usually very blunt and a little awkward bc he’s still learning how to socialize with others. hockey is basically his whole life so it’s all he knows how to talk about, which can either be endearing or annoying. a genius hockey player, but a ditz in every other area. very short - tempered and impulsive. always means well and wants the best for those he cares about, but might go about expressing those feelings in a weird way bc he was never taught how to properly deal with his emotions.

CONNECTIONS

family

step sibling he grew up with - sabrina miller

paternal cousins - warren daily and wren daily

cousin by marriage - rosalind cox

maternal cousin - open. his mom is polish for reference!

romantic

girlfriend - genesis iver

ex fiancée - ginny baker

ex on good terms - margo massey

ex who cheated on him - isla thompson

former fwb - amethyst armenta, open to more.

former toxic on / off relationship - reese monroe

exes, open to more.

hal has a ton of other exes and i don’t feel like listing them tbh all so i’m just gonna assume that y’all know who you are ok

platonic

best friend 5ever - marialena goldstein

confidant - open.

family friends - sullivan ramsey, open to more.

childhood friends - open to more.

close friends - open to more.

friends - mia kauri, chance kauri, theo cannon, angel almeida, open to more.

bickering friends - open to more.

workout buddy - open.

negative

on bad terms - kennedy drakos, jay weston, open to more.

these are just a few plot ideas! i’m most definitely open to other stuff so if you have any ideas please free to share! i think that’s enough from me soooo yeah! mssg me if you wanna plot & as always i’m super excited to write with everyone!

[findsomeoneelse]

       This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often  threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do. 

        And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores. 

         I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

          He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

          I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here). 

        That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.  

      I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think. 

       I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have. 

      My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

      If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

[system-architect]

i can’t rememb if i already sent an ask but if not could u mayhaps do peej

u did send an ask which i will get to in a second but i am gonna happily do pj anyway!!

Personal

1)      Age? he’s 24 and a big shit who’s weirdly conscious about being 24 despite the fact that thats sTILL YOUNG so he lies and tells people he’s 21

2)      Gender? trans gay trans gay trans gay. he’s a very GnC trans guy who hasn’t transitioned too much bc he likes how he is

3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation? gay... he’s a big gay. loves men

4)      Height? he’s 2′10″ aka min height haha pj small

5)      Race? asura and like metaphorically a fckn demon

6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc). like a bush baby.......... uhhh he’s a very small lithe asura with wild ass fckn scene tier spiked up hair and his eyes are Indeed freakishly huge and he’s got sort of piebald esque markings and he’s also got spots of black pigment on his tongue and gums like some dogs do! i’m just gonna link art again

7)      Any disabilities? tbh he might have occasional breathing issues from his eye size and the constant vaping. also.. Some Stuff Happens During PoF but its not anything conventional that you might be expecting...

8)      Is there a meaning to their name? nope OOPS that one asura name generator spat it out at me actually! it stuck and i thought it was a weirdly funny name for an asura while also sounding p decent

9)      What makes them, them? he’s this image:

10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? tbh his life is very stagnated atm and he’s not sure what he wants. to keep surviving, he guesses

Family

11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? he’s an orphan! his parents are unknown... he was raised in an orphanage by this very prim and proper asuran lady who was very secretly kind of a party gal on the side

12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? again, orphan, so family questions are hard to answer cus he doesn’t know anything about em

13)   Extended family? Do they see them often?

14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) he has A Flat up inbetween arkentia valley and magus valley in rata sum (i pretend there’s more out there than there actually is jhkfgd) which is also near where the glitch is located! it is fairly safe and he is quite fond of it, although he’s at the club most of the time

15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? i just kinda answered this but he has Money honestly....... running a luxury nightclub that’s a front for your shady information trading business will do that for ya huh

16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? the orphanage owner wanted all her little adoptee children to be Starlets and tried to teach them proper etiquette and get them into refined fields........... pj is successful but in the most opposite way from this possible

17)   Do they have pets? nope and thats probably for the better

18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family?

19)   This there anything special about their family?

20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? he’s constantly torn about like... the concept of having blood relatives out there [hopefully]........ he’s not sure if he wants to know about them or not, if he would’ve rather been raised by them or not. it’s alluring but scary

Friends

21)   Best Friend(s)? his best friend is Kinda his ‘secretary’, kessa, who is a whispers agent plant in his club that helps him run the place in exchange for siphoning information from it. PJ is aware she’s whispers and kessa is aware he’s aware she’s whispers and they have a tentative and tense but friendly??? bond. it’s like, thin ice all the time but they’re also quite close. both her and pj are savvy and sort of take turns greasing the wheels of their various dealings; i think kessa is a bit bolder and craftier than pj and more organized oops. as far as kessa as a person, she’s a tall butch with cherry red dyed hair and she goes by the nickname ‘lucky’ due to the shamrock shaped marking over her right eye. she prefers masc looking clothing and she has a suave flirty personality with a quick wit and a snarky teasing sense of humor

22)   Who was their first friend? hgjkfdgh he’s never had many friends unfortunately. he tends to drive people away...

23)   What is their friend group like? a lot of people hang around him for general exterior motives like money and status.. not many people genuinely like him

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? like everyone................... ‘i need you but i dont like you’ etc

25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? definitely a lot. he’s a very abrasive person who can get fussy and picky and two-faced

27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends? alas yeah half of pjs ‘friends’ are people he wants to smooch but its in a very vapid fashion.... even w/ deeper crushes pj isnt gonna be gettin any genuine love

28)   Do they share classes with good friends?

29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? he might drunk cry to viel or kessa and i dont think either would know what to do about it

30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives? despite having shallow ‘friendships’ a lot of his self esteem revolves around popularity and being well-liked so he’d be... super crushed

School

31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? he got like 30% of the way thru statics courses for political science and dropped out because he hated school... he was naturally savvy and talented with debate and an excellent candidate for a worthless weasel-y politician who can screw anyone over within a sentence but he just hated the whole school system and didn’t fit with it and getting into arcane politics wasn’t something he really enjoyed, it was all super backstabby but simultaneously Goody Two Shoes and he haaated it

32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? he probably butted heads with all of them and hated being told what to do

33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? definitely goofed off and didn’t care. he was good at stuff when he was asked to actually do stuff so why bother paying attention to boring stuff he already knows?

34)   Are/Where they a good student grade wise? stellar marks on very specific fields and tests and debates where the school system actually lined up with his talents but terrible marks otherwise

35)   Do/Did they need extra help? he was probably arbitrarily assigned a tutor due to his low marks but was uninterested in actually being helped and was a catty piece of shit the whole time

36)   What is/was their school like?

37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school? he’s a terrible worthless rat trash man and there was probably gossip that flew around about him but he loved hunting it down and intimidating the daylights out of the people who started it. even as a child he was a notorious drama monger and tattletale so it’s kinda in his nature. pj is a literally terrible person i’m so sorry to anyone who likes him for w/e reason

38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? probably not many physical ones altho he’s def been punched a few times. most of his fights were probably weird high strung drama that contained a lot of passive aggression and counter-gossip and maybe some good ol fashioned blackmail

39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? hard to categorize bc he’s a walking embarrassment

40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back? he dropped out and has literally 0% intentions of going back ever. and not as a char development thing either-- he’s never going to want to go back even if he improves as a person. it’s not his thing

Other

41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? pj pretends he’s shallow and only wants A Good Time but a bit more under the surface he’s absolutely desperate for more genuine bonds and wants Love And Affection and pretends ppl love him when they’re makin out idk. he’s a sad sad man

42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? he’s a boring egg who should probably pick up a hobby

43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? what he’ll say he wants is like, more money/successful business but what he Needs is a kick in the ass to work on improving himself and to earn some friends who genuinely like him and to find a Meaning for himself

44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? shady information traderrrr he deals in secrets and identities of the asuran underworld

45)   Do they use social media? probably uses asuran instagram and snapchat

46)   Have they ever been in the hospital? probably for some very dumb injuries tbh

47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? again weird Q in context of gw2 but superstitions... he’ll claim he’s logical but he’s prone to suggestion wrt this stuff and a huge chicken

48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? cry on bathroom floor with bottle of wine

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? i think he avoids thinking about this too in depth bc he knows he’s a bad person haha..... he’s a bit messed up atm because this doesn’t motivate him to improve despite knowing it. he’s just kinda... yeah im awful so what if you cant take the heat then get out of the kitchen

50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) yeah he’s a bit representative of the time period of my life where i was overfocused on Being Hurt and wallowed a lot in my trauma and i felt i was justified in being a pretty nasty person for whatever plethora of reasons, but i was stagnating and it was all hurting me really badly even if i wasn’t ready to accept that it was hurting me. i felt a huge sense of impending doom and not knowing what to do with my life or if i’d ever get better...

[therapybabbie]

December 18, 2020

i’m starting this blog so i can have a place to journal my progress when i start intensive outpatient therapy in a couple weeks. i’m having the worst mental health of my entire life right now, which is honestly saying something because this is (i think) the fourth time in my life that i’ve genuinely wanted to be dead. i wouldn’t consider myself suicidal because i’m too scared of pain, death, and hurting my family to ever actually do anything, but when i feel like this it’s more like i just wish i’d never been born or wasn’t conscious. 

anyway, my depressive episodes have only gotten worse with each succeeding episode, so i guess i’ve finally realized that it’s time to treat my mental health like the emergency it is. also, the more i age the more i start to notice the growing discrepancy between how my brain is maturing emotionally (it’s not) vs. peers in my age group (theirs actually are). i lack a lot of incredibly basic life skills, and i’m actually getting worse at them with age rather than better. i always thought my depression would get better as i got older, as my brain matured etc., but i guess i wasn’t thinking of depression as an illness that progresses if left untreated, and mine has been progressing like crazy. 

i’m becoming increasingly unable to force myself to do things that i don’t want to do, cope with negative emotions, feed myself, drink water, take medicine, prevent myself from impulsive behaviors, etc. i’m aware that i’ve been pretty dangerously dehydrated now for about 6 years, to the point that i have fainted a few times, had a lot of liver pain, and have chronic gum disease and have to go to the dentist every 2 months (spent at least $2,000 on that by now) bc i don’t have enough saliva to keep my gums or teeth healthy. what is the reason??????? i literally cannot force myself to drink water. getting up to get it is, like, painful for me, as well as having to get up to pee all the time if i’m actually hydrated. i really don’t know how to explain this because there is no reason why i’m doing this to myself when it is so easy to fix and it’s causing such horrible problems with my body. all i can say is, it sounds insane because it is.

i also do not eat like a normal person, to the point that i know i’m anemic and vitamin deficient, but can’t do anything about it. i don’t cook food or eat at home because something about that process is incredibly painful to me. if i put myself in a situation where that’s what i have to do that day, i will just not eat. i usually just end up getting really expensive favor orders or fast food. this is super unhealthy to the point that it’s impairing my brain function, not to mention being a waste of money, but i cannot stop. in college, my social anxiety was so bad that i pretty much avoided meals to the point that i don’t get hungry the way a normal person does anymore. most of the time, i don’t get hungry at all because my stomach is in a lot of pain from either anxiety or just unhealthy eating habits. every once in a while, i get incredibly hungry but then i order a bunch of food and can’t eat very much of it because my stomach gets weirdly full quickly. this hasn’t even resulted in weight loss, however, because all of the food i’m eating is unhealthy and i don’t do anything to exercise.

aside from becoming increasingly unable to care for my health in even the most basic ways, i’ve had a lot of negative things happen to me this year that i can’t cope with. the worst has been my breakup with m, which has been a catastrophic year-long shitshow and been difficult for me to process or understand. he broke up with me back in september 2019, we got back together by that november, he started treating me like shit by january, i dumped him on Easter, he wormed his way back by late may and even though i wouldn’t get back together with him we were still hanging out constantly until august when i found out some disturbing shit he did back in january and started this terrible cycle of cutting him off every few weeks only to let him back in my life to some degree.

luckily, each time letting him talk to me again has gotten shorter and shorter. the last time was two weeks ago and we were only on speaking terms for a week total before i told him to leave me alone again, so that is progress. it just sucks when you so desperately want to believe that someone was who you thought they were while you were together, yet they keep doing more and more to prove that that was fake and they are actually a bad person. i wish i could’ve just had a normal breakup, where i’m sad about the loss but still think the person is fundamentally good. instead, i’m dealing with all these crazy feelings of realizing m was never who i thought he was, was not really a good person at all, and probably did not love me (at least not the way most people feel love or the way i loved him). it sucks to realize that nobody has ever actually been in love with you and that the person you’ve been in love with the most in your life did not really exist. it makes me hate myself, honestly.

i haven’t used benzos since my birthday 1.5 months ago, but that was another problem i was having basically from june-october this year. i’ve never loved any feeling as much as i loved benzos, other than being in love, but the love was not ever real and the benzos were, so it was probably better for me overall (ha ha). taking xanax or clonazolam was like being submerged in a hot tub that i could breathe in. taking them every night was like slipping into a pool of warm water that was also a portal into another world where i was literally someone else who couldn’t even comprehend the idea of anxiety, let alone experience it. i’m sorry, but people who don’t do drugs don’t understand that there actually is not any genuine human experience you can have that feels better in the moment than drugs do. the only problem is that the drug feeling comes with so many negative side effects that it isn’t worth it. coming to terms with the fact that i will never feel as good as i did with drugs, that i will feel good again but in a different way that takes a lot of work, has sucked. i was damaging my brain and body so bad that i was near killing myself and i’m pretty lucky my heart didn’t stop from everything i was combining (coke, benzos, adderall, alcohol). now i’m only letting myself drink and do coke (but NEVER together...i don’t even like coke unless it’s by itself or with benzos, it feels so dirty when you mix it with drink).

anyway, i also just don’t like my roommate but that is honestly the least of my worries. still, it sucks coming home and having her be there and just feeling how much she hates me seeping through our shared wall. i don’t know why i am so good with letting go of friendships but so bad at letting go of romantic relationships LMAO. i mean, i don’t get rid of friends easily at ALL. i’ve only lost 2 friends in the past 12 years and they were friendships i’d had for 13 years and 10 years, respectively. but once i decide i’m done with a friend, i don’t feel sad at all or think about them and if i ever do it’s just like “wow i really don’t like that person.” so it’s been good that i haven’t felt sad about that, but it just sucks that she’s still in my house and i have to kind of be reminded that she exists. and it’s bad for my self esteem bc i know she doesn’t like me, yet she’s aware of anything i do at my own house (although i never see her thankfully). anyway, i’m really excited to start IOP and work on my emotional skills and hopefully get my mind right.

[trishuang-blog1]

but i see a lighthouse in the distance calling my name ; but i can't get there 'til i go through all of this pain. there's a glimmer of hope like an exhale of SMOKE in the sky; and sometimes you drain out all the shit that used to feel right.  (  empty swimming pools.  )

general info

full name: tristan huang ( birth name: huang chen-jui)

nickname(s): most usually call him by his name or tris

gender & pronouns: cisgender male / he/him

sexual & romantic orientation: bisexual demiromantic

age & dob: twenty-three / august 23rd

birthplace/hometown: new york city, new york

parents/siblings: - timothy huang (†), father - lanhee huang, mother - michael huang, older brother 

astrological sign: virgo

dominant hand: right

handwriting style: he’s got a heavy hand so his handwriting tends to come off rather dark with whatever tool he’s using. since he can write in both english and korean, just click the links and you can see an example of each!

language(s) known/spoken: english (first language), fluent in korean

religion: athiest

current living arrangements: he’s living in a two bedroom apartment, who he currently shares with minhyuk.

occupation/major: employed as the lead photographer for a local magazine, has a bachelors in digital photography

appearances

picture reference: 1, 2, 3, 4

blood type: a

nationality: american

skin tone/color: his skin tends to stay more on the fair side, but if you keep him outside long enough he’ll gain a lot more color and develop a darker tan than usual.

birthmarks & scars: n/a

height: 175 cm / 5′9″

build: lean, lightly toned, generally rather skinny

hair color: brown

hair length: it’s long enough to cover his forehead when his bangs aren’t styled but he keeps it trimmed and just short enough.

eye color: brown

eye shape: example

diet: tristan doesn’t really go out of his way to diet himself or limit himself on what he eats. he’s always been able to eat everything and anything and still not show it on his body. most of the time he’s eating fruits and noodles though, meats when he can afford them.

exercise & level of fitness: he used to work out more when he lived in the states, especially while in college, but hasn’t done so in awhile. 

how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )? he tends to be pretty controlled with his posture. most would look at the way he holds himself and see it as composed. the only time he’s ever slouching or slumping around is either at home or when he’s distracted on his computer editing (he tends to lean forward after awhile and get closer to the screen to focus better)

typical style of dress: very casual and comfortable. tristan hates being in any clothes that he can’t lounge around in for hours. has a big love of jean jackets. when he’s at home its the most casual he can get (aka probably a t-shirt or hoodie with shorts/boxers) but as for work he tends to actually try and dress with some kind of style. examples: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

body modifications: he’s got both his ears pierced. double lobe piercings on both as well as a cartilage on his right ear, that has a simple hoop in it. he’s also got a frenulum tongue piercing that he got when he lived in the states. he wears it daily and most don’t seem to notice it since it’s hidden.

body language and mannerisms

how does your muse walk? he tends to have a rather laid-back stride to the way that he moves. if his hands aren’t busy holding something (usually his camera or phone) then he’ll have them shoved in pockets or anything he can to not have them hanging down by his sides. he’s a bit of a fast walker as well without really meaning to be. most would think he’s in a rush most of the time!

how does your muse talk? he’s got a calm tone of voice almost always. tristan can’t even remember the last time he actually raised it or yelled at someone. when he’s speaking english he doesn’t even think twice about how he’s talking and tends to speak rather fast, but when he’s speaking in korean he’s a little slower and more paced, as if he’s making sure the words he’s saying are correct. there are a lot of ‘um’ and ‘uh’ that slip in between words when he starts struggling.

what accent/dialect does your muse talk with? he definitely has more of an americanized dialect when he speaks korean, and he has a bit of a new york accent when he speaks english as well.

how high (or low) is the tone of their voice? are they loud or quiet? his voice is kind of in the middle - probably a little more low than it is high, but his tone is always even and he’s never loud.

what is their laugh like? it’s lighter than his normal tone of voice. a bit more bubbly, giggly and energetic when he does it. he’s actually got multiple laughs and they all just kinda come out depending on how much a situation is actually funny to him. he’s also prone to laughing silently and using his entire body to show it when something is particularly funny to him! (honestly just look up vids of mark’s laugh and there you go bc that’s legit tristan’s laugh)

how does your muse typically smell? he’s actually a pretty clean person, but also doesn’t actively use things like colognes and what not unless its a special occasion. he uses a hair + body wash called “mahogany wood” that is described as fresh mahogany, bourbon vanilla and golden amber. so there you go i guess.

what kind of air do they carry? are they intimidating? tristan is probably the least intimidating person you can meet. he comes off pretty quiet when people first meet him, although he’s nothing but kind and encouraging when you try to talk to him. he has an aura of gentleness to him that can affect those around him. once you get to know him though he’s still all of the things above just with a bit more of his quirky nature and sense of humor thrown into the mix.

psychology

what makes your muse happiest? he’s probably the happiest when he’s with other people whose company he enjoys. tristan, when by himself, can become a little caught up in nostalgia and get a little lost in his head. he’s a lot more forlorn when he’s alone, so when he’s with people whose energy can push that part of him away and make him smile, he’s genuinely happy to be with them. photography used to bring him happiness as well but his muse has wavered over the years due to the death of his father, but his heart still reaches for it when he needs to distract himself, and he’s sure he’ll find his happiness for it once more.

what upsets them the most? being shut out is probably the biggest thing that could upset tristan, that or being lied to, but even regardless of those two things its very hard for him to hold onto a grudge or stay angry. he was angry and bitter for far too many years in his past and because of the things that happened back then, he finds that he’s a little too eager to forgive sometimes, if anything to be a little easier on his heart. but when he’s upset it’s because his feelings genuinely got hurt. but most only have to talk to him and things get figured out.

does your muse have any quirks? he tends to bite his nails when he’s nervous or worried about something, he’ll also get lost in thought and end up with one of those wide-eyed, staring off into the distance expressions. he also has a habit of jiggling his leg when he’s trying to focus or very into his work and photo editing.

what are their hobbies? how frequent do/can they do them? taking pictures, editing pictures, exploring new places, hanging out with friends, binge watching tv shows or marathoning movies, learning and practicing his korean, trying out new places to eat. when tristan isn’t working he’s either at home lounging around or out with the multitude of friends that he has made. so he can hang out rather frequently.

do they have any guilty pleasures? tristan would be that person who would openly state that nothing that he enjoys is something he’d feel guilty about.

is your muse an extrovert? an introvert? neither? definitely an introvert.

do they have high or low self-esteem? what about confidence? tristan has never dealth with self-esteem issues. he’s never really been worried about what other people think about him and has kind of marched to his own drum while growing up (which had gotten him into some tricky situations but he learned from them), but he’s also not overly confident either. i guess the best word for it would be he’s comfortable with himself and how he looks and who he is.

are they easily stressed? how do they respond to stress? he’s not easily stressed but once he finally gets to the point of stressed, his anxiety gets triggered pretty easily and its hard for him to calm down from it all. but it’s doubtful that anyone would actually even be able to know when he’s stressed out because he won’t want to openly show that. he’ll figure it out on his own.

what is your muses worst fear? abandonment, being left by someone he cares deeply for. it used to be the ocean but you know, sometimes life changes that shit.

what is your muses biggest dream? tristan doesn’t have any big dreams. if someone were to ask him that question he’d be the embodiment of ???? because he wouldn’t know how to answer it. he’s never been a dreamer and it will probably stay that way for awhile.

is your muse an early riser? a night owl? definitely an early riser but he’ll stay up late as well regardless of how early he has to get up.

how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it? tristan is actually both very book smart as well as street smart. he did very well in school and had a natural ability to just pass tests with good grades and seem as though he barely studied for them, but it has more to do with his ability to retain information very well and just simply remember things. studying wasn’t ever an issue because he had to read through it once and then it all just clicked. he doesn’t outwardly acknowledge stuff like that though because there isn’t any point to it. he’s very good at remembering things. that’s legit the godsend that got him through schooling. as for street smarts, he liked to call it having common sense.

what is their sense of humour like? it doesn’t take much to make him laugh. honestly, it doesn’t. but he finds people with loud, energetic, and boisterous personalities to be naturally funny all on their own and he vibes well with them because of that. people with funny habits or personalities will make him laugh. he also finds sarcasm funny and any types of dry humor or witty commentary. 

relationship tendencies

what’s their sexual orientation? what about romantic? his sexual orientation is bisexual, he has always been attracted to both sexes. his romantic orientation is demiromantic, meaning that tristan really does not develop feelings for people unless he knows them on a personal level where he’s connected emotionally. developing a ‘crush’ was practically unheard of for him. he either had no feelings or he had all of them, and it was only ever with certain people who he felt completely comfortable and bonded with.

are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships? while he’s in no romantic relationships, he does have sexual relationships (wow kids cover your ears) from time to time if he’s feeling interested enough in it. as of right now he is in one sexual relationship.

what is their experience with relationships? he’s had small ones here and there while growing up but never anything serious. he can’t even really count the girls and few guys that he’s dated and messed around with as anything even close to what someone would consider a ‘relationship’. he’s just never really been attracted or interested in someone enough to go for it.

how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one, or would they ever? tristan views the idea of friends with benefits as something that nobody should really be developing opinions about if it’s none of their business. he’d be a bit of a hypocrite anyway if he ever chastised someone for having a fwb relationship because he’s in one right now. it’s working out well. they are always going to be more friends than anything else, and that’s whats important to him.

sex, is it important to your muse? it’s not what tristan looks for when it comes to romance or what he’s seeking. he does like sex a lot, obviously, but it’s not going to determine anything in his head. it’s important but its not everything.

what are their biggest turn on and turn offs? for turn ons in general its a sense of humor that usually gets him, but he’s also very attracted to eccentric personalities and people who are truly and wholly them. he’s also got a thing for smiles and little quirks. for sexual turn ons he’s big on teasing and marking. dirty talk and encouragement. he’s a switch so whatever position he takes it really doesn't matter, but he’s also a huge pleaser when he’s on top and as long as the other receiving it is enjoying it and showing it, then that’s a turn on as well. as for turn offs it would be things like rudeness, bad attitudes and aggressive behavior, and it would be that way sexually as well. 

does your muse find it easy to make friends? being as nice as he is naturally, it’s not hard for tristan to make friends when he really goes out of his way.

how important is friendship to them? friendship is everything to tristan. it’s what has gotten him through some of the darkest days in his life. it’s what has gotten him through his move to seoul and what has gotten him to where he is now. he’s honestly nothing without them.

quantity or quality of friends? quality. there is no question about this.

how important is family? family is important to him, it always will be, but it’s not what he needs right now or anymore.

are they close to their family? why or why not ? tristan used to be close in the normal sense of them being a family and doing family things together, and he has fond memories that he holds onto and likes thinking about sometimes, but they were never close. he barely knew his older brother, his father was more of a stranger to him than he ever realized, and his mother was just lost. after his brother moved away and his father died, it’s really only been tristan and his mother, who he left in new york to start over for his own sake. he’s close to her and he loves her and calls her every few days to check in on her and make sure she’s doing alright, but his whole family concept has been shattered and is a little beyond fixable now.

headcanons

tristan had a very bad habit of smoking cigarettes and doing drugs while in high school, as well as drinking and doing anything illegal that he could just for the thrill of it. he smoked actively up until a month before he moved to seoul - part of his whole ‘clean slate’ mindset and want to start over. he hasn’t touched a cigarette since, nor any drugs, and drinks alcohol only socially now.

he was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder in high school and when that comes out to play from time to time, he suffers from insomnia really badly as well.

he is not a good swimmer. at all. it’s why he used to (still is) afraid of the ocean or just open water in general. his ass would drown in a second if it’s too deep.

he’s never had any pets. but he loves animals.

he’s got some bad fucking allergies that like to flare up with the season changes. catch him with a face mask literally 24/7 and popping antihistamines like they’re going out of style. he also develops an allergy-induced asthma when this happens so he has an inhaler for emergencies. he’s very miserable for the first few weeks of new seasons.

if he had to choose between sugary foods or salty foods, he’d choose salty every single time.

once he finally falls asleep he barely ever moves. legit, he stays in that one spot that he fell asleep in and doesn’t roll around or anything. he may shift from time to time but usually he’s a damn log once he’s out.

he saves pictures forever. he’s got thumb drives full of pictures and they’re all dated/labelled so that he knows what they are. is that considered hoarding? or more like organized hoarding? who knows. but it’s legit in the thousands.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m sad I wasn’t able to talk to Andrew but I did message Jeanne and I did find myself trying to drown my emotions and thoughts out through videos and music but I did also try and pause it immediately or just turn it off when Jeanne had something to say bc I did really want to take it to heart. And I thought I had gotten over it but when I started thinking about it again with Jeanne.. I did cry. Just a few tears at first but I was definitely choked up. but it was nice to just have Jeanne comfort me. And I want to be more supportive for her too bc I do feel like I make it all about me sometimes but I do genuinely want the best for her bc as loving and supportive as she is, i cannot take her for granted bc shes a person too and i cant take advantage of that. she is seriously my best friend and has seen me given into worldly temptation and my highest points with God and still loves me nonetheless and has always remained faithful and cared so deeply for me, always. and i cant take that away from her. i cant. that would be a huge injustice and disservice to her. 

and i did just briefly tell andrew why i was sad and he just kinda accepted it and idk if im relieved or disappointed. bc on the one hand, i dont want to get into it and i do have to sleep soon so that im wide awake for work tomorrow but im also disappointed that he didnt push me further and really see how im doing. but im sure hes tired and i dont blame him. ive been there too. i get it. 

but, i just imagined him suddenly calling me on skype and pushing me for more information on why i dont want to just be alone with my thoughts and why i cant give into that and wallow in my pain bc i have to be strong and just breaking out in tears bc i feel like i have to be strong for everyone and be their rock and a stable figure in their lives and i feel so bad whenever i take away from their joy and their life. i know jeanne is busy with her own things at school and how big the workload is and she should focus on that and andrew has his own family situation to deal with and sofia is still struggling w/ her self esteem but shes getting better and i dont think i can trust MAST on that level yet and even if i did, i dont think we’re close enough and i think they would just be really uncomfortable and i dont want to do that to them and im just so worried about how other people are doing and would much rather suffer as a result and be their rock and help them through this time and just deal with my own stuff on the side and hopefully just rely on God and I don’t know if I’m supposed to be here or not but the situation doesn’t feel ideal. and i could’ve been my usual self via chat and text and social media but i didnt and it was probably bc i was hoping someone would pick up on it but no one did. idk.

but my day---

after our conversation about authority and what it means to still live as a christian in unjust situations, i tried really hard to bite my tongue today and not get so angry and bitter towards her and i did do better today and i was pretty straightforward with her and actually made an effort to get along with her but i was still pretty bitter all day and the whole thing with my package and umbrella didnt help. i think i really do dislike her the most out of all my teachers. ever.

sigh.

but we are called to love and understand and i dont want to have a one-sided perception of her bc she is here and she is trying and we should give her props for that. but overall, my day was fine.

[roninonariver]

I'm so fucking pissed, okay, let me just tell you a thing. FUCK women's clothing designers okay, I'm so fucking frustrated with shit always being thin so you have to layer it with a million other shits, and shit being so tight that it shows off how imperfect your body is, thus making you feel like shit bc you "don't live up to expectations",or too loose that the neck of the shirt hangs below your cleavage so you basically have to just wear another shirt under it, defeating the fucking purpose, and fuck having to waste hours trying to figure out what size you are for this store and for this brand. And most of all, FUCKKKKKKkkkkKkkKkk shit being too fucking short. I have a fucking shelf for an ass and the stupid dress I was going to wear for this thing I have tomorrow is like two inches below my asscheeks. I have this problem with every fucking dress or skirt that I try on. (Obviously not meaning floor length ones) and I'm just so tired and frustrated with never finding anything that fits dress codes, and looks nice and makes me feel good about myself. All I want is to be able to go from being comfy all day at school in a hoodie and jeans to feeling good in what I call fancy clothes for events. But it just seems everytime I have something come up I have a mini melt down about not having any fucking thing to wear. I've been getting so insecure lately that I just don't know what to do and I'm typing this right now with tears rolling down my face because I'm just so sick and tired of this always happening everytime I want to do something. It's honestly the thing that I hate most about events. I absolutely hate my appearance, I think I was just taking out my own anger on the clothes designers, I just feel really shitty in everything I wear and I don't even classify myself as being that ugly normally, I see other people who have similar body shapes as me dressing fine, I just don't know why I hate my body in things like that so much. It's just gotten to a point where I'm severely unhappy with everything (that I wear) and it honestly has discouraged me from participating in things in the past. Because I didn't want to stress out over what to wear. I think that's horrible and fucked up. You only get one life, and don't worry about what others think, and love it to the fullest of your potential and blah blah blah... It's easier said than done tbh. I've tried for a long time to just accept myself and ignore my imperfections bc most likely no one cares about how i look as much as I do, but the way I look fucks with me, I, me, myself, don't like how I look and I'm trying to change that but It's not happening fast enough. Idk, I just don't think people realize that a few phrases don't just make your self esteem go up. And I also know that I'm the only person who can make my self esteem go up. But here's the kicker, one of the ways to boost your self esteem is to do community service. That's what my fucking event is tomorrow. That's what I'm fucking crying over not having anything to wear to. It's just so fucked up, I've just been building a damn up to hold back an oceans worth of insecurities. And tonight the tide pushed a little harder on my weakened wall, and a hole broke open and this poured out. Thanks for reading, I'm just very sad and I needed someone to listen to me without interrupting me or trying to change my train of thought, I just really needed to get that out, I'm very glad this tumblr allows me to do things like this even though this is the first time I have ever genuinely posted my feelings online, I just feel safe in doing it here. I've written in journals before but it isn't the same. I feel like someway somehow someone will get to actually read this and maybe it'll help someone else out. Writing in my journal didn't even help me out that much because I wasn't reaching out to anyone and I couldn't keep a thought running. Here I feel better about those things. My apologies for the lengthiness, many thanks, and that's all for now