#like i can manage my expectations
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I just have mixed feelings about Natlan. Like I can see they are getting certain things right but at the same time fuck colorism. If I was in the game I'd be a npc with how dark my skin is. And I ain't even dark.
#i wasnt expecting everyone to be darker#like i can manage my expectations#there should be some lighter tones but not everyone should be that pale#the colorism can be so tiring#like my cousin M she is super pale but can tan in the sun to end up almost as dark as me#it sucks having culture particularly represented well#at least i have the 2nd black panther movie that did better#im gonna go listen to selena now cause it makes me feel better with this stuff#but if i do a natlan fic we getting HELLA mexican up in here#my headcanons are just gonna take over#everyone gettung hit with the melanin gun
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Thinking about how Nightmare has 4 mortals and 3 of them are so so bad at taking care of themselves
#UTDR#UTMV#My Art#Truce au#Killer Sans#Dust Sans#Cross Sans#Horror Sans#Nightmare Sans#''I don't feel like drawing a bunch I'll just do a quick silly doodle'' sits up until 1am finishing this#But this is about their bad habits not mine so#Killer and Cross are the worst offenders for sleep but they're pretty managable#Dust is the worst for food but Horror can coax him into enough food to get by#Horror was - for a short time when he first joined - Nightmare's clear favourite#Because he would actually ASK for things when he needed them#(Not that his joining didn't have problems of it's own but y'know#Nightmare was starting to expect it at this point)#I should ramble for 10 pages about the boys joining the gang someday#Not now cause I'm going to bed but y'know#Anyway goodnight gang!
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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how do we kill this thing
#two war machines looking at each other#hey gays let's play spot the blue robot which i won't tag because it's too tiny#i showed this to my dad and he says it looks like something you'd find at a dentist's office and honestly? yeah. yeah i can see that#anyways I WAS ALREADY HYPED FOR VIOLENCE BUT THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY#HOW DOES HAKITA MANAGE TO SUBVERT MY EXPECTATIONS EVERY SINGLE TIME#my doodles#ultrakill#earthmover#earthmover ultrakill#ultrakill spoilers
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June 10th 2077
Happy birthday, V!!
Aahhhh aöskhdfasf I got inspired by a recent character ask where I talked about what a perfect day in Vince's life would look like, and I instanly had the day post-Boat-Drinks in mind. And also recently I revamped my personal hc timeline for Cyberpunk 2077 to incorporate Phantom Liberty into Vince's story and I was like y'know what... the post-Boat-Drinks day would perfectly fit as taking place on V's birthday :3 Spent a decent amount of hours yesterday taking pics (and will publish some of these on their own too cause I love them sm and I had all the feels, and they deserve to shine!) - but for now really wanted to complete this lil rundown in time.
Happy birthday to all the other Vs that celebrate today as well \o/
#cyberpunk 2077#cp2077#Cyberpunk2077#cyberpunk v#male v cyberpunk#cyberpunk vp#cp2077 vp#cyberpunk photomode#kerry eurodyne#kerry eurodyne x v#my vp#otp: to bad decisions#vincent ezaki#I have... so many feeeeels öaksdhföashf#I'm not 100% happy with the photostory as a whole bc it was a bit rushed now xD bc I took longer than expected with the pics#but can always redo in the future/ expand on it when I feel like it :3#for now I'm very happy with the individual pics and seeing them all in one post!#and really wanted to make sth special for Vince tbh so having managed that is what's most important!#also it's not necessarily supposed to read as a comic - more their convo happening like that at some point in the morning#always pictured the diner for the scene#and the pics is how it really played out in the end
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i spilled tea all over my computer so now it smells like ginger and lemon, which is nice, but is making me sososososo anxious because holy fuck it was a LOT of tea
#i think i managed to drain off most of the liquid#and the rest evaporated pretty quick#but still there was like ginger spice in the tea so now i can see tiny granules of ginger all over my keyboard#and i put a bunch of honey in the tea too so i'm expecting it to be mildly sticky on top of ginger-y#god fucking help me i should not be allowed to exist this clumsily
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someone on twitter made this spreadsheet to document what songs had been played so far
in the concerts, all 10 songs from demoni have been played and 7 from umazane misli. maybe tallinn can expect to hear proti toku, omamljeno telo, and a sem ti povedal? the only other song not yet played is ssol.
they played carpe diem, everybody's waiting, umazane misli, šta bih ja, and almost all of demoni (minus ngvot, padam, and tokio) both nights. also šta bih ja is the only song played three times so far - twice on night one! i'm really curious for how this will change the next few concerts!
#joker out#really curious as to whether they plan on playing all their songs in rotation and whether we can guess which ones they're playing when#two unreleased songs a night?#looks like they're playing 4 from um every night with um itself each time?#harder to predict demoni i think#i need to manage my expectations for what i'm getting in oslo because there are like four songs i am desperate to hear
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been playing lobcorp again
#lobotomy corporation#netzach#angela lobotomy corporation#LOBCORP JUMPSCARE nobody expects horror management sim fanart from the robot guy#currently on day 23... restarted my first run on day 17 because I was way too underleveled for shit like woodsman or red shoes#it really is addicting when you get into the groove of it. also these are full of mistakes dont look at em too hard#as you can see my current posting schedule is completely haphazard. this is because my brain is totally fried. bear with me lol
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page 1/3
I had thought of this as the finished version but I'm on a lineart kick so I might clean it up more and keep this as a colored sketch. See if I can capture the Vibe™ and get lines I actually like lol
#teared up planning this one#(as in the over-all comic not this page specifically)#i dont think i'll post the wips of the other pages but this has been in my drafts for a minute so i figured why not#i havent done art in a little bit (my tablet fell behind my bed) but i think i have enough ideas to dig it out and work on things tonight#i managed some lines i *really* liked in another wip recently so im hoping i can keep that going#and maybe ill actually make a color palette for the bg this time around so i dont forget what i did lol#dreading the shading a little bit. fun in theory infuriating in practice#my art#wip#bg3#bg3 art#bg3 fanart#wyll ravengard#bg3 tav#corentin#the prodigal saer#bg3 durge#wyll x tav#wyll x durge#great expectations#id in alt text
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Junicrane/Starstruck Ramble
I will not be brief, all under the cut
To clear some things right off the bat:
No corpse, no proof with Juniper. Obligatory this is set in a canon where he's alive and adjacent to the agency in some way.
Reggie & Juniper are just gay to me, but I don't mind any interpretation of their sexuality
The games are set in 1967/68 to me (based on a couple bits in game) which is before it was legal to be gay in America at least (1971), which is relevant to how I interpret canon as being somewhat grounded in reality, despite unrealistic elements.
This is just an insane amount of headcanons/elements of and AU all culminated into one post. I will talk about some headcanons like they're just facts because they are established in my head, and it saves me over explaining literally everything, however I will explain some parts a little bit for clarity.
Alright. Actual beginning of the ramble:
Juniper is a character to me who had gotten so lost in his job as an actor and a social presence that in the end his whole life revolved around that 'role'. Because of this, by the time he's put into the situation where he's around the Agency, he basically knows nothing about himself, though he doesn't realise at first. Furthermore, what little identity he had has changed in so many ways. He's no longer a beloved famous actor in the prominence of public light, he's legally dead and he tarnished his career just before he was supposed to die, with the bonus of that making him lose the majority of his estate. From that, he also has horrific facial scarring from the electrical burns from literally having his face fried. I believe a friend of mine made a post about this a while ago (I also think they were the first to think it up also), but, to me, Juniper has a permanent trimmer in his right arm (aka his dominant hand) from the electrical current and it is messing with his nervous system.
All in all, he's not doing great, but he's too proud to admit that he's not doing great, because if anything, what's left of his ego is all he has as a defense since he's deep in unfamiliar water.
Before ending up around the agency (I have multiple interpretations of this, so I'm just going to bring it up generally), he'd never actually seen Reggie, and his only impression of him is a single voicemail, which was his only reference he had to later impersonate him. Juniper probably has very little feelings other than the ones he projects onto him because of Phoenix and that, at the very least, he's physically attracted to Reggie to some degree (that's like the beginning of how everything else would tumble into place in this sort of interpretation at least).
And on Crane's side? His feelings towards Juniper are probably very intense and muddled. On the one hand, he adores musical theatre, and that's his now ex-favourite actor. The thought of just casually being around him blows the bit of fanboy in him away at first because THAT'S the GUY, plus the inklings of a celebrity crush which still poke at him. And then there's the rational side of him, which knows Juniper has committed absolute atrocities on the side of Zoraxis, and hates him for that. Then there's how much Juniper comes off as an asshole at first because he refuses to cooperate with anything the Agency tried to put in place. He finds Juniper endlessly frustrating, and yet he's stuck working with him since, afterall, he's the one who knows the Agency's history with Juniper the best. I imagine him acting a lot like how he does IEYTD 1 around Juniper.
At this point, I'm just describing the pitch for a romcom.
I think the start of their relationship with one another largely started with Juniper trying to wind Crane up. It was a way of getting his attention, and I don't think Juniper knows why he's so dead set on that at first, because I don't think he realises he has a crush on 'this grump' at first. (I think that's actually the fun part about these two, because it's almost like a role reversal of the celebrity crush dynamic. This ex-big name actor has a TERRIBLE crush on an average joe and it is KILLING HIM.) But of course the Agency keeps them together because Juniper is at least conversing with Crane, so it's a start.
Through one way or another, they actually get talking casually, at least mildly at first. It takes Juniper a long time to fully deconstruct the wall he's built, and the thing is, Crane isn't the one trying to deconstruct it, at least at first, because yeah, Juniper realises if he wants Reggie to actually like him in any way, he can't keep winding him up. So they talk. Small talk at first, something rhythmic and almost easy to keep to a script. And over time that turns into actual conversations. Genuine ones in which Reggie rips out the occasional one of his jokes which Juniper is endlessly endeared about. The way he smiles just before he makes them, like he wants to chuckle at what he's about to say before he says it. That's probably when Juniper realised that he does have some vague crush on him, and that it wasn't going away.
This is what kickstarts John I can't-buy-you-things-to-impress-you-so-acts-of-service-it-is Juniper to do little things for him. It mostly starts off as him trying to make Reggie his tea how he likes it. However, the nerve damage in his arm makes that hard, as the weight of the kettle and trying to pour is hard all of a sudden. And he refuses to accept that, so he tries for a very long while. Long enough that Crane would go to investigate what was going on. And when he does see Juniper leaning over a cup with the kettle as he uneasily tries to pour it, and when Crane asks Juniper responds so matter-of-fact that his intention is nothing but genuine. And it catches Reggie off guard because Juniper hadn't done anything like that up to that point, and his very apparent vulnerability is so clearly on show.
It shifts something between them.
From that point on, conversations are longer, more familiar. Both of their attitudes soften, and Reggie makes more jokes. Juniper learns how to better use his left hand while strengthening his right back to a point where it could be used again. Slowly, they're both spending time with one another not because they have to, but just because they can. Little bits at first, not too far outside what they already were doing, but those little bits turned into long bits to a point where the other person's company was genuinely desirable.
As time passes, Juniper probably realises that he doesn't genuinely know much about himself or what hobbies he's into, because he never really had the time when he got big, and his home life in his youth wasn't bad, but it wasn't picturesque. I think Reggie would pick up on it, and absolutely try to introduce him to some things he's into. Some things stick, other things don't (corn husking very much stays Reggie's passion, and John will go with him sometimes because it's him, but it's not something he strongly cares for). Crane introduces him to a lot of music, and it's something that becomes a staple between them, with tracks they listen to more than others (tragically, I know relatively little about 60s music so I couldn't really say what). Occasionally they dance, never anything intense, think slow dancing, but the closeness is nice.
Through all of it, Juniper is battling the worst crush of his life, and he can't stand it, because I think he struggles to read people since he doesn't have anything like a script or a director to refer back to, so he has no idea if Reggie likes him back or if he's just desperate for that to be true. I think because of that any sort of confession between them would be incredibly raw, not only because of the time they live in making it hard for them to be truthful about how they love, but because it's a complete show of Juniper who's worked to be this better person. I don't exactly know how that would go, mainly because I don't have one set version of their dynamic, this post is just a generalisation of main consistent points.
Reggie does like him back, because he's gotten used to Juniper being just this guy, not a figure in the public eye, not a Zoraxis lackey, and not any sort of Agency operative (despite being under their care to some degree). He's someone he genuinely cares for, because they've given one another the time of day to learn one another, and I think because Reggie was a field agent, he was a lot better at reading Juniper than Juniper was at reading him. Eventually Juniper's company becomes something he could see around him for the rest of his life, and I think he accepts that he likes Juniper a lot more gracefully.
I think any affection directed at Juniper would at first be met with him feeling a little muddled. Reggie was a very physically affectionate person when he could be, and sure the initial flirting with one another came with the occasional little touches, but everything now was so deeply intentional. I also don't think Juniper would almost ever get over the novelty of being able to kiss him, or many other gestures, because it made the fact that they were together so very real, and it was great. I do think it comes easier to Reggie, and it's a big way of showing how much he cares, so it's important for Juniper to try and show it back because he knows how much it means to the other.
I like the idea of them eventually living with one another, too. I think Juniper would have always had a quiet little daydream of sorts where he does just live a domestic quiet life, and he can with Reggie (well, as close as they can get between the Agency and Zoraxis always being at odds), and he loves that, and he loves him, and it's immense.
I think they cook for one another a lot, it helps Juniper work on his dexterity in a controlled environment, which means a lot because it's a huge point of insecurity (that and his scars). He does improve, and Crane is proud of that and shows it and it's great. I also think they'd probably cook together too, because they can deal with being in the kitchen together and they work well with one another. It's probably a good way for them to unwind because over time they can do it in relative silence.
As I said before, I also think music is a staple in their household, and that Reggie listens to things on vinyl almost all of the time because he likes the background noise. Sometimes Juniper will catch him chuntering along to the music which he finds endlessly endearing. I wouldn't put it past his dramatic ass to also join in to fluster Reggie, but I also don't think Reggie would mind that terribly because Juniper has listened to the music enough to know the lyrics, and that's huge to him.
I don't think they are without rough patches, no relationship is, but I think the good part about them is that they're willing to talk about it (... eventually). They're used to long conversations, and while they're often less fun conversations, they're needed and they know that, and it works out.
Alright. I think I'm done for now. I haven't mentioned everything, but this definitely got the worst of it out of my system. If you ever want to hear any specific thoughts my ask box is open but other than that, behold my general dynamic for these two which has been festering in my head for years. I think they're great
#ty right-agent for explicitly telling me that this would be welcomed you a real one#i had a massive babble to my friend abt what if they all feed me to the hounds for speaking#and he said “girl that fandom is like 12 people big they need you to speak” and yeah that also helped#i have a hard time talking if I'm not asked/prompted to that's why i adding tags is great for me. that and i like the format#anyways.#THESE TWO.............dear lord can you tell I have been unwell abt them forever..#this is propeganda (/j) for them. btw. please you have to understand the potential here. it's so good.#it's slowburn <- my (probably) demiromantic ass cannot handle romance without a build up and this set up is perfect (it will never happen)#also i find it easier to write ANYTHING between these two from Juniper's perspective because i find it easier to get into his head#idk reggie is like the gay version of the: what is he thinking of? i could take a bear in a fight. audio ive heard.#whereas with juniper i have him trapped under a microscope#im going to tag this now so i can use the remaining tags to RANT#ieytd#john juniper#reginald crane#junicrane#starstruck#i expect you to die#<- being BRAVE!!!#when I get really excited i start getting like this internal shaking feeling and uh. yeah this rant started that#the worst part abt that is it also triggers my tourettes so like. double whammy. excited about blorbos? jail :(#but. yeah I uh. yeah. sorry this IS so long..I did warn but . AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH#also i did this rant in 2 parts. last night and this morning so yeah uh. yeah.#god im so messed up about these two#make me a boat by the family crest came on while wroting this and while it's mainly a roxanix song to me......AUUUUUG.....#i struggle to find music for these sillies because they have such a specific vibe to me amd I've not quite managed to find something which -#- genuinely feels correct for them and it drives me up the WALL#GOD NIGHT SHIFT JUST CAME OF SHUFFL.....all my ieytd songs are coming out to drive me up the wall.......#FINISHED I've been adding tags as I've gone alonga#thank you for reading hope you enoyed and if you didn't im sorry
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my parents paid off one of my loans yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
#shitpost#my main issue with my parents for awhile was that they weren't really helping me (esp compared to my siblings)#and like. they're the reason my debt is so steep because i barely got federal aid#b/c my parents do well enough that the govt expect them to pay for my school but they weren't really able to in actuality and blah blah bal#anyways. my monthly payment went down by $100 and so it isn't almost 1k anymore#it's a much more manageable 850.#i hope. i can put some more money towards this because thats still higher than i pay for my mortgage lmaooooooo#i fucking hate u private loans.#ok sorry. im very happy about this#ALSO this payment has made my total owed finally less than what i make in a year#if i only pay back the minimum though i still have 8.5 years of paying so uh......hoping to get that to decrease....#but if im saving 100 more dollars a month (and im probably getting a raise in april next year) then i can shove some more money at them..#sorry these loans fuckign consume a huge part of my life fml lol
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very very tired of all the many many things :')
#hello friends. it's the semi-yearly check-in.#school is rough this year but I'm hanging in there#I feel tired basically all the time and feel like all the motivation I have is what I can manage to scrape out from under my fingernails.#but I'm also very glad to be back at school for many reasons#I am working through some weird emotions that I didn't entirely expect (missing graduates from last year far more than I had planned to)#(a few specific people especially which is... interesting. I would much rather ignore some of that than try to interact with it.#but I'm trying to handle it as healthily as I can.#and I got to see a bunch of them last weekend for a little while and that was lovely)#(I may hop on and give some more detail about this later but for now that's where it's at)#I've been struggling with what people think of me/how to measure up LOTS more this semester so far and I really hate how it makes me feel#so if y'all want to pray for that... would appreciate it :)#also my roommate is having some really concerning health things going on and we're trying our best to muscle through but it's getting rathe#heavy for both of us. prayers for her would be appreciated as well.#also funny thing has happened -- i'm in a reading group thing with the guy I mentioned briefly here last semester#(the one I looked at and was like “aw shoot he's really cute” but didn't really know at all at the time)#so I've been able to actually have some conversations with him which is funny to me looking back now for some reason#he's cool; I hope we get to be friends eventually. :)#personal#tag post
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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loop hero is so good and funny
#loop hero#this game is like...an idle inventory management deckbuilder roguelike ashdgjkahl. you also create a world from scratch. hard to explain#but it has such cool characters with fun and interesting dialogue. the story works so well. and the lore bits u can unlock are so fun#also pixelart? amazing. ost? full of chiptune bangers#it's a really fascinating mix of things#seriously one of my fav games and i absolutely didn't expect that when i first started playing it#game stuff
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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pecco really is the eldest daughter stuck between her two divorced parents. which is why he's speedrunning getting burnt out before turning 30
i GET what people mean when they say this (pecco puts a lot on himself and is like. heir apparent to the italian racing throne so theres certain, heavy expectations) but BE AWARE that this blog is an anti pecco as eldest daughter space. franky and carola erasure imo
#can a bitch not be anxious as the middle sibling. i ask#also he doesnt manage anything well besides maybe his tires. so i dont even think he fits the tiktok ass 'oldest daughter' stereotype#motogp#callie speaks#asks#his oldest sister is his ASSISTANT. and FRANKY got a lot of the academy growing pain expectations.#PLEASEEEE not everything needs a family label....#not mad at you this is just one of my most fervent motogp opinions and its gets said a LOT. but that man is a LITTLE BROTHERRRR#and what does 'oldest daughter energy" actually mean in this context anyways. like ive never seen a convincing articulation of it.
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