#like i am sorry but there is absolutely zero way this isolated and sad guy has any game

[azureblooet]

Another opinion on who pulled who:

The Lamb pulled Nariander Nariander didn’t pull them

Let’s all be honest with ourselves

[dashielldeveron]

(girl i’m so sorry for how long this is, i was in the middle of a shouto todoroki character analysis when i was like ‘is it that serious?’ and it actually so is. i’m sorry.)

welcome. to my ‘who is the most jealous/possessive soulmate troupe guy’ list! strap in girl because i am about to give you a thesis on the type of jealous/possessive each guy is, complete with attempted fic/character analysis as always. i’m excited to see what your own thoughts are, i’m pretty confident in the bottom half of this list but the top half i’m less so. top 2-4 could be basically interchangeable but i have my reasons for ordering them the way they are. top 1 in my opinion is pretty easily the most possessive/jealous. i’m very interested to see what you think about this subject too! please enjoy lmao (ordered from least to most, for suspense)

8.katsuki

katsuki doesn’t get fucking jealous at all lmaooooo. he knows he is the best and he knows you know this. no one will ever meet his standards for himself so for him it’s not even worth the thought. i feel like this reader character would intentionally try and make him jealous (they do have a tendency to try and rile him up) probably for horny reasons and katsuki just. wouldn’t give a fuck. you’d return from your ploy sad he had absolutely zero reaction and he’d greet you with a kiss on the check and the most smug fucking expression asking you if you ‘had fun’ and ‘if you wanted him to be rougher, you should of just asked!’.

only time i feel he’d ever feel jealous is around best-friend-who’s-loved-you-forever-shinsou or 10+ years later izuku. and even then with shinsou it’s more just concern?? katsuki is incredibly smart and would kinda clock instantly that shinsou feels some way about you that is definitely more than just a friend (like he looks at reader with hearts in eyes it’s not hard) and instead of jealousy it’s more like ‘damn hope he gets well soon, because she’s with me and has no interest in you’. with izuku he’s definitely worse because of their past rivalry and he just knows somethings off when izukus broken up with uraraka and all of a sudden has an interest with you. he like knows instin

AHHHH WTF MY ASK JUST SENT WHEN I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF TYPING?? HELLO???? spoiler alert for whose last on my jealousy tier list then omg i have to type that all again

cork board anon btw, damn i can’t believe it sent i didn’t even have time to check for obvious spelling mistakes

anyway. katsukis only jealous of izuku because it touches on their rivalry and he’s really suspicious that now that izuku is unmatched he all of a sudden has some interest in talking to reader. but even then it’s still more so concern then jealousy. (katsuki however does love to see reader jealous and takes absolute vindictive pleasure in seeing the antics they do for his attention, probably reminds him of the antics she pulled in fic when trying to find out if they were soulmates) 7. is shouto! shouto definitely is too gentlymanly to get jealous but he definitely has a tiny possessive streak that works out in his favour because him and reader spend so much time together anyway LMAOO. my reason for thinking this is that when shouto says he ‘I’m close to losing it when I’m around you. […] It’s more that I can’t get enough.” it reads to me possessive tendencies. which probably stems from the fact that growing up shouto didn’t really have a ‘person’ growing up. like. endeavour (die) isolated him from quite literally everyone growing up so he had like zero friends or close family going into ua. so imagine how wonderful the feeling is when( for someone who for a significant part of their life only had their fucking crazy abusive terrible father )finally finding their person??that they love and cherish more than anything because they are literally soulmates and made for each other?? incredible. so healing. so obviously. he’s going to want to be around reader. like. all of the time :) and the feeling is very much reciprocated so it just works out. even if he doesn’t spend as much time as he wanted with you that day he’s more so a crestfallen maiden waiting for their knight. he just trusts you so completely and is incredibly secure as your husband that being jealous doesn’t even cross his mind. he’s just very protective of his time with you. we love our emotional secure king <3 i would kill your dad for you any day of the week <3 (i’m going to end this ask here because i’m afraid of fucking tumblr eating my ask mid way through typing and i lose my train of thought + maybe more suspense for whoever comes next in the list)

oh my god. this is incredible. i honestly don't have a ton to say, because everything you're saying feel soooooo real. you have your finger on the pulse of each of the guys.

but yes yes yes i can picture reader trying to rile up katsuki and he's just like. unbothered. moisturised. in his lane. barely humming as acknowledgement while you do insane shit to try to make him jealous. he easily offers his hand when you reach for it, pouting, and after his kiss to your cheek, he bumps your shoulder with his and asks, "was that good for you?"

but around shinsou or izuku, katsuki at least keeps his arm around you, keeps his grip loose to make it seem casual, but his eyes are narrowed and darting between shinsou/izuku/you. he's not worried, per se, but he's interested to see if anything happens. and he never sees anything beyond Looking and Yearning, so he relaxes a bit. lets the tension leave his body. it's himself, after all, that you're cuddled up against.

but damn you're ALSO extremely correct that bakugou would take sooooo much pleasure in making reader jealous. what an ASS lol. i feel like katsuki would have to give reader soooo many orgasms to relieve tension frequently, or else she'd tear him to pieces out of fury

and ughhhhhh you're SO right about shouto. it's more of an Acute Interest in reader that he's lowkey possessive and wants to be around her all the time, rather than classic jealousy--she's just so new and interesting!!! he's never had a person who made it clear that she very much likes him and wants to do good things for him (and also happens to desire him carnally)!!!! very secure in his relationship, gets sad when we can't spend time with him......a baby boy!!! god i can picture like. reader routinely asking what the highlight of his day was (bc we love finding small joys, even amidst the horrors), and shouto routinely answering something like, "oh! it was you. today, when you showed up to my agency at lunch, i thought i was going to have a heart attack." and reader just has to deal with that sort of out of pocket response all the time lololol.

VERY interested in the rest of the list, whenever you're ready to send it 👀 👀 👀 you are 1) insane, 2) absolutely incredible, and 3) very big-brained, and i'm thanking you on my knees for playing in the soulmate trope sandbox with me!!!! i'm having a lot of fun!!!!! thank you sooooo much!!!!!! xx.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Saw the My Hero Academia Heroes Rising Movie!

It was a lot of fun (and the animation in the second half was AMAZING eye candy) but also KINDA STRANGE in some ways. 

The previous MHA movie was set between the second and third season, so I assumed this would be the same and be set between the third and the currently airing one, but this actually seemed to be concurrent with wherever the manga is right now, and referenced several events that haven’t happened in the anime yet, and featured characters that haven’t appeared yet. Not like super huge spoilers, but like, for instance, Todoroki quotes something I GUESS Endeavor must have told him in the manga but hasn’t said to him in the anime yet at a dramatic moment? even that dude who caused all the controversy with his name reveal recently factors in and appears for a few minutes. So if you’re an anime-only like me, fair warning for that.

There were also a lot of hilariously contrived things in this movie including the entire premise which was like

UA: so we’ve been roasted in the press and lost the trust of society for being irresponsible supervising our students who are currently being targeted by a villainous organization that will take any opening to attack them. what do we do?

Aizawa: well I think we should send the entire class of first years to an isolated island with ZERO adult hero supervision,where the nearest help is like a thousand miles away and they can easily be cut off from communication with the outside world! Also we should task them with protecting the entire populace, and do absolutely nothing to check up on them or keep the League of Villains from following them and attacking. This is a cool island with no crime on it usually so, y’know, it should be fine.

UA: brilliant!

It did make for some cool fight scenes and having all the peeps in class 1A get to show off their powers a bit, which is something the first movie didn’t do very well. The first half of the movie was very obnoxious in the ‘guys fight, girls are in charge of evacuation and don’t get to fight bc we’re not going to bother to hide our sexism here’ but the second half had all the kids teaming up for cool combo attacks which mitigated it a bit. 

also Bakugou and Deku’s contrasting ways of dealing with the two little kids they were protecting WAS side-splitting; at one point poor Deku has to crawl on Bakugou’s back and SHOVE HIS FINGERS INTO HIS EYES and prevent him  raging out at these small children and it made me laugh so hard, as did the little girl saying “OH HEY IT’S THE MEAN ONE” when Bakugou arrived to rescue her.

BUT HEY SPEAKING OF BOTH COOL FIGHTS AND REALLY CONTRIVED THINGS, THAT ENDING.

in an article I skimmed, Horikoshi mentions the movie is basically an idea he considered for the final arc, and I was like “huh I wonder how that works” but when you watch the last half of the movie YUP it’s truly a bunch of climactic shonen final arc resolution events happening that are then immediately undone and it’s just SO awkward and hilarious. spoilers under the cut

Basically, Deku and Bakugou fight a villain who is basically All for One except it’s A Different Dude.

Deku is all: KACCHAN I WILL SACRIFICE ONE FOR ALL AND GIVE IT TO YOU SO WE CAN LIKE, BOTH HAVE IT  FOR A WHILE AND BEAT THIS GUY WITH DOUBLE POWER AND THEN  IF WE LIVE YOU’LL JUST HAVE IT I GUESS

Bakugou: wtf really. (his conflicted, upset and uncomfortable expressions here were REALLY detailed, like I said the animation was gonzo, but it was honestly rlly weird to see him experience a lot of emotions at once IM NOT USED TO HIM HAVING MORE THAN ONE)

 DEKU:  YEAH WHY NOT, JUST FUCKIN’ TAKE IT, YOU GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING JUST LIKE WHEN YOU STOLE MY LUNCH MONEY

Bakugou: oh shit...we’re going to slowly reach and have our fingers brush each other and struggle until we finally clasp hands aren’t we... 

Deku: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT BITCH!!! AND WE’LL MIX BLOOD WHILE MIGHT U TOUCHINGLY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND 

Bakugou: fuck. Kirishima can’t ever know about this 

Deku: NOW ACCEPT THIS HAND, AND THUS SYMBOLICALLY YOU ACCEPT THE HAND I OFFERED YOU WHEN WE WERE FIVE OR WHATEVER, CULMINATING YOUR ARC AS MY RIVAL AND GIVING YOU THE POWER TO BECOME SUPER SAIYAN

Bakugou: oh no you’re not kidding I look so stupid.

Deku: That you do, Vegeta.  NOW ARE YOU EXCITED TO BREAK YOUR ARMS!!!

Bakugou: didn’t you spend like, a whole episode realizing you have legs??? what happened to that? but yeah actually i am i have always wanted to show i can break my arms with these powers way better than u ever did!!!

Deku: honestly I couldn’t have chosen anyone more deserving than u to feel this pain

anyway they fight together and then pass out and All Might arrives ten minutes late with starbucks: what the fuck did you do young midoriya

Deku: I’M SO SAD I SACRIFICED MYSELF AND MY DREAM. 

All Might: NOT AS SAD AS ME IF YOU GAVE MY POWERS TO YOUNG BAKUGOU! THAT MEANS I ACTUALLY HAVE TO SPEND A TIME WITH HIM NOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT WILL BE FOR ME

Deku: sorry

All Might: oh thank god i guess Bakugou passed out conveniently before the powers fully transferred so you still have them or whatever

Deku: wow that is incredibly convenient.

All Might: alternately maybe my mentor was doing me a solid from beyond the grave and stopped the power from transferring to someone obnoxious with the other One for All-ers. Thanks Hero Mom :’). always looking out for me.

Deku: uhh when i proposed a similar theory about the people connected to One for All helping me you said it was stupid-?

All Might: YEAH WELL THAT WAS WHEN YOU SAID IT WASN’T IT??? SHUT UP.

Deku: anyway in the trend of convenient happenings, when Bakugou woke he remembered nothing about this fight...

Bakugou: Assagdsfasfasdasd WHY ARE MY ARMS BROKEN???

Deku:... so our relationship in the main series isn’t affected and -

Bakugou: WHY ARE MY ARMS BROKEN IN THE SPECIFIC EXACT WAY DEKU’S ARE ALSO BROKEN???

Deku: ...and the status quo can remain!

Bakugou: you know what. I’m not going to question this any further. because i don’t ever want to remember the fact i held hands with a nerd. god i love repressing.

***

Like can you imagine if Horikoshi had gone through with this, what a depressing ending this would be without the reset???. “all that stuff about this being the story of deku becoming the greatest hero lol we pranked you’  I’M GLAD HE CHANGED HIS MIND but also it tickles me that he apparently thought at one point that holding hands with Deku was the ultimate endpoint of Bakugou’s character. I hope in his original plan Bakugou had held hands with everyone else in Class 1A at that point and Deku was the Final Step. 

Anyway, ridic contrivances aside it was a fun movie and it was very fun to see it in theatres with everyone very excited and cosplayers and all that. JUST PREPARE TO DRINK IN THE SHONEN, CUZ THEY AIN’T HOLDIN’ BACK.

[serenagaywaterford]

i’m getting a little anxious about s3. and not in a good way.  (don’t worry. i’m not talking about tuello/serena again.)

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

mostly cos there’s that article that confirmed basically what we already sorta knew: that june is gonna be at lawrence’s as his handmaid. (so at least no more ceremony rape which is nice.)

but forgive me... but i’m pessimistic about the fracturing of the main cast. that never really works well? and we’ve already seen how tht handles it. (not well lol)

now we have june, serena, nick, janine, and moira all in different places with divergent stories. (we know emily and nichole will join up with moira, luke, and erin. and likely sylvia and oliver. so there’s a whole canada crew.) i mean janine has never been a core player but she’s fairly important. and rita... will... likely go with the waterfords wherever they go.

but without june at the waterfords, she’s separated from serena, fred, nick, and janine all in one swoop. (but then of course the waterfords burns down so lol)

now, things i’m really not interested in which i feel are going to take up a lot of time because of this fractured cast:

- serena and fred’s failing relationship. call me biased but i honestly don’t give a shit. i don’t care about fred’s feelings in any way whatsoever. i don’t care about him being sad. or angry. or anything. i simply do not care about him. he needs to die this season. him being upset at his wife who hates him now is so dull. i love serena, i care about what is happening with her character but fred is an accessory to that, not the centre of it. i know there has to be something about him cos he’s tied to serena’s character in many ways, but i’m not here for Poor Fred’s Sad Times Manpain.

- nick being in the army or whatever. i just don’t think he’s a strong enough actor or character to carry scenes by himself. it only worked cos he was playing opposite powerhitters like moss, fiennes, and strahovski (even sweeney). without them to carry the scenes, i fear i’m gonna be bored af. even as a character, he’s just... not that interesting. sorry. the show has managed to actually strip the book character of his moderate complexity and made him into some flat love-interest cliche. who magically survives every treasonous thing he does. so for him to suddenly be a tough guy who is commanding a guardian regiment is fucking laughable. just plain batty. thus, because it’s so nonsensical, it bores me. nick, just in general, bores the fuck outta me on a good day. i dread s3 scenes with him. how nick isn’t fucking DEAD by now for all the shit he’s pulled on waterford it’s bonkers. at the very least, as an eye he should have been removed from that assignment. but i digress. yawn.

- lawrence/june stand-offs or lessons or whatever they wanna frame them as. “he’s testing her”. UGH. i mean, i don’t mind some of it (and apparently they’re gonna partner up)... but i really will be bored when every scene of her in a household is just a showdown of some kind with lawrence. quite frankly, again, maybe i’m just a misandrist but i give zero shits about lawrence either. i don’t wanna her about his pathetic man-struggles and his humanity. i don’t care about his regrets. 

here’s how it goes: i do not care about the men. period. like, there’s no mystery about why men do what they do. there’s no complexity. their stories like this have been told 6,203,009,484,836,334 times already in fiction. we see them in our history books over and over. there have been a million psychological treatises on why nazi men did what they did. why lawrence went along with it, why he continued it, what his contribution was, etc. etc. --- i. do. not. care. i really don’t care about him teaching june the trolley problem or whatever the point is. if the general audience is that lacking in ethical philosophy they need to be taught this, maybe this show is too much already. i also am not here for him using this to excuse his fascism. so, basically, my issue is i don’t care about lawrence. i’ve heard his story a 100 times already. 101 isn’t gonna make it somehow mind-blowing. or even interesting to me...

- lawrence flashbacks will be the death of me, and not in a fun good way. do not show me them. do not waste my precious fucking time on this loser dickhead.

- luke... well, i do sorta care about how the refugees are doing. mostly cos the show has handled it SO BADLY THUS FAR. they made it look super easy and just. no. their canada-side of things has been shit and completely bogus unrealistic. (but then i suspect atwood is partly to blame for that lol.) but i mean, the last thing i need is another full episode dedicated to woobie luke’s woes.

- basically, i give no shits about manpain in this show. none. every second of manpain is a second that a woman’s story is sidelined.

so, my issue with the set up is that when you separate the core characters, they all become strangely boring. what is interesting is their dynamics. and the fact that unless you are june, your story is really thrown to the wayside if you’re removed from her. look how they treated moira last season. and luke. even emily to some degree (but not nearly as badly as moira). she got fuck all to really do or be. luke, even worse. (not that i’m really complaining about that tbh.) emily and janine’s colonies subplots were hack jobs just to show what a colony is. 

now, fair play, i am 100% biased but the only character other than june that comes close to being able to carry a whole, complex story solo is serena. (hello 209). which, ofc, i’m not opposed to. but again, there is something missing in her narrative when she’s isolated from june for too long. 

moira could, if they’d let her. but so far they’ve squandered wiley’s talents and moira’s potential.

it’s sorta exactly because of how they’ve dealt with moira that i fear what will happen when they pull apart the main cast to this degree. yes, it’s the handmaid’s tale. yes, the book was a june solo story. but the show itself has always showed itself to be about other handmaid’s and women in general, almost as much. and how all these women interact. 

the thing is, the show is already treading dangerously into the ridiculous with half these characters even still being alive (june, janine, nick, emily), so it would take a shitload of magic for them to all stay together in one place. and when you pull them apart, it takes some magical deus ex machina shit to put them all back in the same place (hence that weird baptism thing when absolutely insanely they allow janine and the putnams in the same room lmao. plus june, serena, fred, aunt lydia... like yeah right. why doesn’t nick just show up too? hell, moira could stop in for a bite too. why not. nothing matters anymore.)

i dunno. maybe i’m just really cynical and pessimistic... but i don’t like the way it feels. pulling one character out is one thing. having two separate groups of different sides of the border is one thing. having every main character in their own story world is quite another. either the writers actually know what they’re doing after fucking moira & co. over last season, or it’s gonna be a rehash of that and we’re gonna be left with a lot of unsatisfactory, half-baked independent narrative arcs that don’t really weave back into each other in any sensible way.

on a completely separate level, i’m anxious cos of what they’re turning june into.

if the articles are to be believed, they’re making june become... some sort of rebel leader, loose with morality.

“You have to fight fire with fire,” Moss teases. “That’s become [June’s] journey in season 3. To fight against the people she has to fight, she has to become more like them.” Adds Miller: “We’re not doing a montage of June being radicalized — it’s 13 episodes. To see someone go through this process of becoming ruthless was a real challenge. We didn’t want to sensationalize it, or make it too morally easy, either.”

*sigh*

part of what i liked about june was that no matter how awful people were, she was always* very present and empathetic, and yeah she made stupid decisions, was selfish and narrow-minded at times, but inherently a GOOD--if flawed--character. i don’t wanna see serena 2.0. we have a serena, thanks, and she’s a bad person and the whole point is we want her to become a better person, not make june become a worse person to fit in with her lol. i don’t mind june harnessing some of that grit and power and cutthroat attitude, but serena is one of the weakest people and emulating her isn’t the best idea? am i crazy? i especially don’t need to see june turn into lawrence’s rebellious protege.

i dunno... it bothers me when every story about women ends up with “well they have to be more like men! that’s real power!!” (and i’m side-eyeing the male showrunner and male writers so fucking hard rn.) i’m not naive. i know some change is necessary, and to fight such a perverse system you have to infiltrate it, violently fight against it, and understand it. but you don’t need to become it. or again, maybe i’m just naive?

I DO NOT WANT “RUTHLESS JUNE”.

i’m sorry. i don’t. do some ruthless things, yes, that’s probably inevitable but to become a ruthless person? yikes. how has gilead not won then? it seems it has.

(*with the exception of eden. don’t even get me started...)

maybe i just need a cup of chamomile tea and to shut the fuck up until i actually watch it.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”.