#like holy fuck all of this should not be landing on me im trying my fucking best

[qqqqqqqqqqq0]

i present to you the most useless talent i possess

[logisticalgrandaddy]

.

[vivwritesfics]

Spider-Man Kiss

One particularly bad crash lands her in hospital, out for the count. Max, Lando and Charles visit her every single day. While she's out the reader lives several different lives. The one thing they all have in common? Her boys

Max Verstappen x Reader, Lando Norris x reader, Charles Leclerc x reader

Any suggestions for the fandoms used in the next part would be much appreciated!! I'm thinking maybe pjo, maybe harry potter, maybe star wars but im not sure

The Second Part The Third Part

Huge thanks to @cheriladycl01 for their help with this one

The Ferrari hadn’t felt right all afternoon. But her engineers insisted that there was nothing wrong with the car, that she should keep driving. So, she did just that. Qualifying had been good, not the best, but good, and she’d started in fourth.

But then she was overtaken by a Mercedes. She wasn’t sure what Mercedes; she just knew it was a Mercedes. The car fell apart after that. It wasn’t long before she lost control of the car. Her back tyre clipped the corner and sent her flying into the barriers.

The session was red flagged when she didn’t climb out of her car or respond on the radio. “What happened?” Asked Max Verstappen as he led the rest of grid into the pit lane. His engineer didn’t tell him right away. He let Max stop his car before he told him.

Charles and Lando had been behind her. Charles himself had almost been involved in the accident, having followed close behind. “Fuck, Y/N!” He shouted as it happened. With no other choice but to keep driving, Charles looked in his mirrors, trying to watch for her leaving the car. At the red flag he was panicking. This couldn’t have been good news.

“Holy shit,” Lando found himself saying as he drove past the Ferrari in the barriers. “Is she okay?” But nobody had an answer for him.

She was pulled out of the car and placed onto a stretcher. She was out cold as they placed her in the ambulance and drove away. As soon as her car was removed from the barrier the race resumed. But neither of the three drivers could concentrate. All she had been told was that she was alive, but they couldn’t stop worrying about her.

For maybe the first time in all of their careers, they couldn’t wait for the race to end. It was a foreign sensation, and none of them liked it. The podium wasn’t for celebrating, and none of them were filled with enthusiasm as they covered one another in champagne.

As soon as they could they raced to the hospital to be by her side. It wasn’t an easy sight, seeing her lying on the hospital bed, connected to a drip. “Oh my God,” whispered Lando as he slipped in the seat beside her and took her hand. Max sat on a small space on her bed and Charles leaned against the wall beside the bed.

Videos of the crash had been all over social media. The boys couldn’t go into Instagram without seeing it. Sure, the captions and comments were all wishing her well, but it was still hard to see. “I wonder what she’s dreaming about,” Charles said quietly, almost sadly as he petted her hair.

“I hope it’s something nice,” Max said, kissing the side of her head.

***

The party was in full swing. The drinks were flowing, and Y/N had already had plenty. Charles stood behind the bar, serving with a sultry smile, and Lewis entertained his guests. She sat beside Daniel, leaning against him as she sipped her drink. He was speaking to Max, a man who still refused to acknowledge everyone.

Lewis and Max didn’t get along. It was understandable, Max had been an unstoppable killing machine, and he’d killed Lewis’s parents. But they’d saved the world together, and he was giving him a chance.

The Iron Man, in his strapping suit, walked past and offered Y/N his hand. “Dance with me,” Lewis said and she happily obliged, handing Daniel her drink to look after.

Daniel may have been Australian, but he was still Captain America. He certainly loved this country enough to be their Captain America. He protected Y/N’s drink as he continued talking to Max. Misunderstood Max, who had been his best friend all those years ago. Max, who had been ripped away from him in the war. Max, who wasn’t the same man he used to be now that he was returned to him.

“Where’s Lando?” She asked as she danced with him.

Lewis shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, you know kids. He’s probably swinging about somewhere.”

She gave him a look, one that said she was unimpressed. “You didn’t invite him, did you?” She asked, and Lewis looked at the floor, still slightly smiling. “Lewis! He really looks up to you,” she said and stepped away from him.

“Hey!” Lewis called after her. “Where are you going?”

“To get him!” She called back as she grabbed her coat. Lewis, Max and Daniel watched as she walked out of the tower they called home.

Lando wasn’t an easy guy to find. He didn’t answer his phone when he was in his suit, swinging from building to building. The easiest way to find him was to look up (and follow the news articles).

Currently, Lando was sat on top of the building opposite Lewis’s, watching as the party went on without him. He’d just so happened to land on the building opposite during his nightly patrol, and it was just a little heart breaking. He didn’t see as Y/N left the party to go find him, just continued to watch as Pierre sat on the bar as Charles poured drinks.

Using news sites, Y/N found herself on the next roof over. Lando didn’t spot her. But she certainly spotted him. As quickly as she could, she left the roof and ran over to the next building.

Lando knew she was there before she opened the door. Well, he knew that somebody was there. He stood up in an almost protective stance, waiting for her to push open the door to the roof.

"Lan?" She called softly as she walked towards him. "What're you doing up here?"

He pulled his mask off as he strode towards her. "Having fun at the party?" He asked somewhat bitterly.

She gave him a look. "C'mon," she said, reaching for him. "Lewis meant to invite you but he never got around to it. I came to get you."

But Lando didn't believe her. Of course he didn't. She stepped up to him and ran her fingers through his hair. They'd always been close, and, as much as he wanted to kiss her, he couldn't. Not yet.

Lando bit the inside of his cheek. He wrapped his arms around her and looked down at her, waiting for her next move. "I left the party to come get you," she said as she gently swayed from side to side. "How about you swing us across and we can crash the party," she said.

He pulled his mask back over his face and wrapped on arms around her. "Hold on tight," he said and she squeezed her arms around him.

Lando swung them across. He shot a web at Lewis's tower and swung them both across, landing them on the helicopter pad. Even once they had landed Lando still had his arms around her. She giggled and pulled his mask off as she grabbed a hold of him and pulled him through the tower.

The party was dwindling down. Daniel and Max were still there, as was Charles and Pierre. Esteban was pulling on his coat, heading out, and Lewis was surveying everything from the landing above.

"Sorry we're late," said Y/N as she pulled Lando over to the bar. Charles got the both of them a drink and Y/N pulled him over to Max and Daniel.

Daniel liked Lando. He was a good kid and Daniel knew he had a lot to give. It took some time for Max to warm up for Lando, but he felt somewhat protective over him, like Lando was some lost puppy.

"We were wondering when you were gonna turn up," Daniel said as he leaned back in his chair.

Lando pulled at his suit somewhat uncomfortably. "Anybody got anything I can change into?" He asked as he sipped at his drink.

Nodding his head, Max stood up and led Lando out of the room to get changed into something a lot more comfortable.

"I'm not surprised you went to get him," said Daniel as Y/N sat herself opposite. She rolled her eyes and leaned back, looking towards the doorway. "You've liked him since our Formula One days."

"What?" She asked quickly. "What did you say?"

Daniel cleared his throat. "I said you've liked him since he first joined the team."

That was definitely not what he said, but she didn't call into into question. "Have not," she mumbled, quickly finishing her drink.

Daniel rolled his eyes. On the next mission, he was putting them together. They could work it out then."

***

"Here," Lando said as he bought Max something to eat. Just days before Max and Charles had gone into Y/N's apartment and pulled books from her shelf. They took it in turns to read to her as she laid in her hospital bed.

A few of the grid had come by to see her, to wish her well. But, to them, it wasn't looking good. Daniel tried to talk to her, tried to jog her awake that way, but it wasn't working. Nothing seemed to be working.

Eventually their teams came to pull them away. They still had a job to do, and she would want them to do it. But it was damn near impossible to leave her. It broke their goddamn hearts.

"Keep dreaming, chérie," said Charles as he kissed the top of her head. Max squeezed her hand, but he got no squeeze in return. Lando couldn't bear to leave her.

***

The first half of the mission was a success. They stopped H.Y.D.R.A from making more super soldiers or something (nobody was really concentrating on the first half of the mission. It was piece of cake anyway) and were ready to head home.

Except one of their cohort was missing. Spider-Man was nowhere to be seen. "Lan?" Y/N said into her comm. "Where are you? Are you okay?"

There was a moment of a struggle, not like Lando was in trouble, but like he was pushing on something. "Yeah," he said. "I'm... somewhere. I've been locked in a room."

Daniel let out a sigh. "Let's go find him," he said and led the way. Daniel led Y/N back through the H.Y.D.R.A base, almost like he knew exactly where to go.

In a room deep inside of the base, Y/N ran over to the closet. There was chains holding the doors shut with a padlock keeping them secure. The doors shook; clearly Lando was in there.

"Danny? Use those strong arms of your and pull these open," she said as she stood beside the closet door.

Daniel did just that. He pulled open the closet door, but he didn't let Lando out. Instead he pushed Y/N inside and shut the door again, holding them shut. "Daniel, what the hell?!" She shouted as she pounded against the door. "Let us out, you dick!"

"Not until you kiss or something!" He shouted back.

She could barely see in the dark closet as Lando pulled off his mask, his hair messy. "What is he going on about?" He asked as he leaned against the wall.

Y/N let out a sigh. It was now or never. "Our gracious Captain America thinks I have a crush on you," she said as she continued to push on the door. But Daniel was annoyingly strong and the door wouldn't budge.

Lando looked at her. "Do you?" He asked somewhat hesitantly.

She tried the best to look at him in the darkness. "Would it matter if I do?"

He thought about it for a moment. Yeah, it really would matter. Instead of answering, Lando climbed his way up the wall. He went to the middle of the ceiling and let himself hang down. "Have you ever heard of a Spider-Man kiss?"

Her hands held his cheek. She leaned forward and kissed him. Their eyes were shut as Y/N tried to pull him closer. But it was impossible, he was as close as he could possibly be.

It was so intoxicating. She was so intoxicating that Lando nearly slipped off the wall. He still had a hold of it as Daniel opened the door to let them out. He probably wouldn't have believed them unless he saw it with his own eyes, saw the way Lando kissed her.

Her eyes opened when she saw the light flooding into the closet. "Wow," she whispered, but it was only for Lando's ears. But she still pulled away and lunged at Daniel, knocking him to the floor. Her punches weren't hurting him. As she punched him she said a quiet, "thank you."

Daniel couldn't stop himself from grinning.

***

Lando brushed his fingers through her hair. As soon as the race was over he headed back to the hospital to once again be at her side. "I miss you," he whispered, his hands stilling. "We all do. But I think me and Max and Charles miss you the most."

He didn't expect a response. And he didn't get one.

"You missed Monza. I know how much you love Monza." She excelled at Monza. Everybody expected this to be her first Ferrari win. The TIFOSI loved her and couldn't wait to see her win in Italy.

But she didn't get to this year. Lando would have loved to watch her win, to stand on the podium with her.

"Fuck." Tears sprung to his ears. "I miss you so fucking much."

[ofaatuu]

Similar, Tonowari x Poly!reader x Ronal

(not my gif!)

part 1 here, part 2 here !

warnings: none 👍🏽 maybe a little angst

Bold / blue words are spoken in Navi!

summary: you meet the Tsahik and Olo'ekytan of the metkayina clan and have similar features. They found you interesting and watch you from afar.

(Reminder this is Polynesian and polyamorous!)

taglist for similar! @zoexme @ellabellabus07 @yeosxxx @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @manumanulau @belos-simp69 @ratchetprime211 @tojisleftarm @sakuuo

You land in the reef clan and jump into the sand, but today you are in your Avatar. You still have all your tattoos and such. But it feels so weird. You haven’t entered your avatar in awhile. You walk to jake’s marui, bouncing a little on the walkway

You enter and greet them “Hi Jake! Hi Neytiri! Hi kids!” You greet them and sit down “Hey y/n, I can’t believe you’re in your avatar! It’s been years.” Jake says surprised. You nod, you just didn’t want to feel small compared to them anymore. “Yup..You know I can’t stay in it for too long, so don’t get used to it!” You say trying to remind him this isn’t permanent . “I still think you should at least try. You’ll be like me and get a Navi partner! But hey atleast you fit in with them! You still have your tattoos.” He pokes at your arm and leg as you scoff “No Jake, I can’t atleast try, they need to fix software or something.” You hear someone enter the Marui and feel eyes burning into your head, you then hear a familiar hiss “Who is this?” You hear Ronal hiss at Jake as he explains who i am.

You turn around to face them and see their face soften for a bit then tightens. “Ronal it’s me. Y/n” she gasps “Sky demon?” She reaches up to touch your Navi features. “But you are Navi?” She looks at you with widen eyes then turns around to tonowari who is already looking at her. They speak through their eyes and say goodbye. You turn around and look at Jake and Neytiri. “Can I just crash here tonight?” You don’t want to go back to lab because they would be pestering you with questions. “Yes. but you reek. You must go to the pond and rinse off. I will get a tweng from the Tsahik.” Neytiri says laughs as you roll your eyes and follow her out.

You reach the pond and strip from your t-shirt and shorts and dive in. You sit there waiting for Neytiri to bring your so called tweng for you to change into.

after your shower you hear some rustling in the bushes and out comes Ronal and Tonowari. “Oh..” you cover yourself and your cheeks flush in dark blue. You then reach out for the tweng and stand up “thank you.. I am going to change now.” They nod but do not move. Well thats new. You end up just moving backwards a bit and changing, you never leaving their site. “Thank you for the clothing.” You sign the I see you and start walking away but tonowari grabs your hand and whispers close to your face, “Come to our marui with your belongings. You are sleeping in our marui.” He looks at you tense. A shiver runs down your spine and you hesitate to answer but you just nod. Rushing you enter Jakes marui and tell him everything. “Holy shit! Do you think they like you? I mean they always had their eye on you but I thought it was because you’re human!” He rambled off as you hurry to grab your shit. “I don’t even know jake, but I trust them.” You say goodbye and walk towards the marui. Tonowari comes out from behind you and slips an arm around your waist. “come.” He says. “I will bring you to our home.” You walk with him tense as fuck because his damn buff ass arm is around your waist. You walk in and see Ronal and smile nervously. She smiles and pats the sleeping mat. “Come. We welcome you.” They seat you down and also give you very pretty Navi jewelry. Isn’t this a way of courting? I’ll ask Jake or norm. Right now I just need to focus on what’s happening in front of me..

god I fell. Hard.

[certifiedlovergirlsstuff]

I was wondering if you could do a joyce byers x daughter reader or daughter figure where the reader has a bad panic attack and joyce consoles/comforts them? I'm asking all around for this fic. I have really bad panic attacks so i'd like to think of joyce as a comfort.

i don’t typically write for joyce (only in my ST series) but she is such a good mom. i too would like to be comforted by her. takes place pre-season 1. joyce still has her job at melvards or whatever it’s called. also i get bad panic attacks at times it sucks.

joyce byers x fem!reader (platonic) (cw: cursing, slut shaming, harassment, panic attack. also tommy hagen in its self. why i chose to include him, probably cause it was the ‘easiest’ way to produce a PA at least for me.)

masterlist

stupid tommy hagen and his annoying ass face. egging your car, spilling his lunch on you, call you not true names. you’ve had enough of his taunts.

“oh, if it isn’t the walking tramp of the (l/n) house. hey, how much for an hour? heard you were quite pricey.” his obnoxious laugh filled the square. it was only you and him walking down the street, how lovely.

“fuck off, hagen.” not bothering to look his way. gripping your purse strap in a vice.

he scoffed, “oh, i’m actually asking you to fuck me. heard from some of the basketball team your pretty good at the dirty dance. holy praises.” you could hear his feet dragging on the pavement.

you glared over your shoulder at him, flared nostrils and scrunched brows. “don’t you have a girlfriend? pretty sure she’d be fine with your charity case ass.” turning back to see your place of work coming into view.

just as you passed the hardware store a bruising grip latched onto your left wrist and yanked you back, causing a stumble to your walk. tommy hagen was pressing his chest into your back, almost curling over you as his breath fanned the side of your face.

“i’d watch that slut mouth of yours. could land yourself in some real tro-“ you cut tommy off as you twisted yourself and slapped him hard across the face. chest panting with quickening breaths.

“leave me the fuck alone!” kneeing him in the crotch for good measure and dashing into melvards. fast feet carried your further into the store so you weren’t seen from the windows.

“hey hon- you okay?” joyce byers circled the register and walked towards you slowly.

you didn’t realize you were shaking until you could barely get a word out with it getting stuck in your throat. “i- i uh, tom- he har- harassed-“ frantically pushing at loose bits of hair, tugging harshly at your clothes.

“hey, hey.” joyce helped move your hands from the hem of your shirt. “slow breaths. deep, slow breaths.” then she wrapped her arms tight over your shoulders, palms pressed flat between your shoulder blades and running in soothing motions.

your hands clinched to her work vest, fingers curling into the scratchy fabric. your hiccuping breaths were making you light headed and frantic. “in and out. in and out slowly.” joyce said calmly. “you need to calm yourself hon, your heart is beating fast.”

“i- im try- trying.” squeezing your eyes shut. “i know.” a hand slid up to cradle the back of your head.

it must have been only a few minutes of joyce cooing and comforting you before you were calm enough to step away from her hold. “sorry, didn’t mean-“ “it’s fine, hon. i’m a mother, it’s natural for me to parent people.”

you wiped away a few stray tears. “wanna- wanna tell me? about what happened?” rubbing a hand over your bicep. you just shrugged, “boys and stupid rumors making my life hell.” keeping your eyes to the linoleum floor.

joyce licked her teeth, “have you gone to the sheriff? sure that would help, to have an authority figure step in.”

“worried it might make it worse somehow.” picking at your nail beds. “plus there’s no actual evidence, only word of mouth.”

joyce hummed, “well, as the adult and a parent, you should go to the police or even your principal. kids shouldn’t be do that kind of stuff to each other, it could lead to… very harmful consequences.” sounding like she was talking from experience.

“i know,” voice so small, “i’m just scared. a little of going alone to the station.”

“well, why don’t we go after work? i’m friends with sheriff hopper and he’s a teddy bear, he just likes to act like a grizzly.” talking about him with a soft kindness.

you bit into your bottom lip as you looked at her, “that- i would like that. thank you, joyce.”

-

a/n: this will probably be the only joyce request/fic i write. if you request for a character that i don’t write for or haven’t mentioned, i’ll either write for them once or just not at all if i can’t find any inspiration/connection for them.

[melkyt]

One Piece Au - Chance Meetings

Doffy and Rosi wandering outside the holy-land. Doffy tried and failed to get back home even after killing his father. Rosi dissociating from the situation as he is dragged along by his older brother.

Doffy refusing to leave Rosi no matter what, even if he needs to carry him. Though that would be difficult to find a way in, there are guards everywhere and Doffy gets that nobody is listening to him, and he doesnt want to get all shot up again.

They circle a few times, until Rosi collapses, from exhaustion and hunger.

Doffy clicks his tongue, annoyed that his brother isn't talking even when he's hungry. The old Rosi would have spoken up already. Doffy digging through his pockets. He stole some money, but they already used it all. "I can't get us food right now. We gonna get back home, and we'll have all out old stuff! Just a little longer. " he tries to pull Rosi to his feet, but it's usless, the boy stays on the ground. Doffy is trying to lift him, but he is in no better shape. He gave all the food to Rosi. His stomach rumbles. "Dammit"

He slumps on the ground. "Im hungry too, why do we gotta deal with all this dumb stuff, im a celestial dragon!"

"You are? Is it always this boring being one?"

Neither noticed the boy looking down at them from a bulding nearby. He has red hair, freckles and a strawhat. "Whats the big deal about being one?"

"Eh, dont you fucking know anything?" Doffy snaps, taking in the redhead. "I am a god and you should respect me!"

"Dirty clothes for a 'god'" The boy snorts. "im Shanks, got told im a dragon too by these weird white cloaked people, but i dont get it"

"I never seen you around" Doffy crosses his arms.

"Im new" He shrugs. "Apple?"

"Dont need your dam charity" Doffy blushes as his stomach says otherwise.

Shanks chuckles. "Here." He throws the bag. It lands at Rosi's feet, apples spilling out. "So far, it's been boring. Im gonna go back to my pop's ship, wanna come?" Shanks nods towards the ocean. "We got food, and its more fun than this boring place." He shrugs again. "So im sneaking out and going home"

Doffy looks at the closed gates, then at his malnourished little brother then back at Shanks. Its obvious there is nothing left for him here but a likely death.

Rosi takes one of the apples, nibbling. It is the first time since their parents died that he ate anything without Doffy forcing him, or having to feed him what little liquid food he could find.

He reluctantly agrees on that fact alone, and that is how the DQ brothers end up joining Rogers crew xd.

[campbyler]

BHDSDNSJDBKSJDK S OMFG OMFG I GIGGLED LIKE A MANIAC LIKE THE WHOLE TIME I WAS READING HOLY SHIT AHHHHHHHHHH THEY ARE SUCH STUPID IN LOVE IDIOTS "yes youre obsessed with me" HOLY SHIT THE SASS OH MY GODDDDDD I WAS LIKE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS MIKE TAKING HIM ON A DATE HOLY SHIT AND THEN HE WAS BUT I DONT THINK WILL KNOWS IT WAS A DATE SBDSKNKJS THE COOL COOL MOMENT SDBSHD JS BSFHBSJDBS WILL LIKES HOW MIKE DRIVES OMFGG THEY LIKE HOLDING EACH OTHERS HANDS IM LITERALLY GONNA START SQUEALING okay mike is so real for his oshawatt pin on his fanny pack also ngl i kinda forgor that will works at starbucks but also like of course he does i feel like thats just a fact that everyone should know OMFGGG THEY ARE BOTH THE MOST CLINGY BITCHES EVER NHJSBUBHJWSBJ "engaging in behavior usually reserved for amusement park queues" HELP WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD SO BADLY THAT I GOT LIGHTHEADED AND ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY BED I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING I WAS OUT OF BREATH AND WHEEZING FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES AND HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM READING NHJBSHBDKS THEY ARE SO FUCKING CLINGY OH MY GOD the vulnerablility 🥺🥺 they are being do soft with each other 🥺🥺 mike is finally opening up 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love his car shopping list and his reasons 🥺🥺🥺🥺 also jesus FUCKING christ ted is fucking crazy that makes me so angry that he would do that and that it made such a lasting impact on mike that all those years later he would be worried about that happening to him its not okay OMFG OF COURSE HIS PASSWORD IS KERMIT HE IS SO SILLY NSDSHBDSB BESBDNSNDDNKJSNDB HES GONNA TEACH WILL HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR OMFG OMFG OMFG THAT IS PROBABLY SO INTIMATE FOR HIM TOO BECAUSE THE CAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR AND NOW HES TEACHING WILL HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR JUST SBHSBDKSNDIJNSFS

you fr knocked this one out of the fucking park thea like full on grand slam, everyone made it to home and the ball went so far we couldnt even see where it landed i am very thankful that you guys take the time to write these chapters so well anyway happy holidays 🫶 (and merry july in christmas lmao)

AHHHH OMGGGGG SUCH A LENGTHY REACTION I HAVE BEEN SO BLESSED!! LET ME TRY TO RESPOND PROPERLY (picture me cracking my knuckles without cracking them ty)

i am loving this play by play of everything!! i do need u to know that this has been Exactly what my brain has been doing on overdrive since likeeeee. february or march when we first drafted the concept for ch9 😭😭😭 i loveeeeed including the detail of mike's fanny pack and it's def most of the reason why i really want to draw their outfits!! i think will's starbucks job has either only been mentioned once or has only been mentioned on this blog, but it's a very important part of the universe #2 #me 💚 ALSO HELLLOOO I HOPE YOU ARE ALIVE AND OK AFTER ALMOST FALLING OUT OF YOUR BED???

i will sayyyy the ted story was definitely a bit of projection teehee (thanks #mom) but i did think it fit superrr well and was a really strong reason for why owning the car would be so important to him! i was so excited to be able to have him open up this chapter as well :')

i did have to debate between using snoopy and kermit for mike's passcode but kermit won out!! also YESSSS U ARE HITTING THE NAIL ON THE HEAAADDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

ty so so so MUCHHH for your kind words and huge reaction, i'm so glad you enjoyed!! happy holidays and merry christmas in july!!!

[shutupheathersorryheatherr]

“What hair product I think each svt member is”

Summery: a holiday fic that has absolutely nothing to do with the holidays! Wanted to try my hand at writing something a bit different and thought this was a good idea to start. Not really comedy but amusing none the less! (idk if what I wrote makes sense hopefully yall are picking up what I’m putting down) approximately: ten minute read

A/n: THIS IS NOT MY ORIGINAL IDEA! (In a way it is buuuutttt still) I can’t find the author who wrote the “what piece of furniture svt are” or something to that effect so they’re the ones who gave me the idea so if yall find them please tag them unless I do first!

warningz/info: mentions of pain, mentions of chocolate, I think what, three curse words? y'all let me know if I should start keeping them to a minimum or remove them entirely because I know some people are uncomfortable with them! I feel like the spacing between paragraphs is weird in this fic but oh well. no idea how this is gonna go over and im scared that I tagged it with "x reader". plus I dont know if anyone would read/enjoy it but I had loads of fun writing it! as always, if you did like it, please leave some love like comments and or reblogs!

~this is simply a piece of fiction. My imagination onto “paper. This is in no way is mean to be taken as an actual and real representation of anyone.~

•••••••••••••••••••

>Seungcheol<

gel. Sticks to you like glue once you find each other (romantic music starts playing in the hair care isle when you pick up your favorite gel) everyone has their preferred brand/ look they worship. Thicc. Either smells putrid and chemical like or good enough to transport you to a magical land of chocolate, pink grass and purple clouds

>Jeonghan<

he is a Bobby pin. And I will provide no further explanation on this except that he holds you together but will stab you lmao

>Shua<

an Afro pick/ hair pick. Its what everyone’s looking for: that little somen’ somen’. That little poof we all desire. Also scalp massages :)

>Jun<

wide tooth comb. My fellow thick haired/ curly haired people will know about this one 😭 this shit can be mean to your scalp tugging on your hair and UGH helps you greatly and is a necessity but damn… that’s all I gotta say

>Hoshi<

Refresher product/ moisture product. wakes you up in the morning. Gives you a reason to NOT look like you just rolled outta bed even though you did. For most this is one ofthe holy grails in life. What would I do without it? Makes us all smile even at 4:00 am because oh my god I look better after I slapped this in. Just all around a day-brightener

>Wonwoo<

curl cream. Grounding. Has many different looks n stuff

>Woozi<

a rat tail comb. Everyone should have one. Versatile, used for many different things. Good for every sort of job and is a natural to be honest and is small but mighty lol

>DK<

a satin/ silk bonnet. And no, not one of those that most  moms wear with the lace trim. Those end up at the foot of your bed by the morning. The ones with the thick elastic. I choose this cause it goes by many different names, just like him lol just has that comfy homey feel to it

>Mingyu<

hair mask. Made at home with some questionable ingredients. Seriously sometimes I don’t think he’s real lol 

>Hao<

a denman brush. It sounds to helpful and great. And it is great!…. When you figure out how to use it. Hard to figure out but once you get the hang of it you’ll never go back (another thing my fellow curly haired babes will understand)

>Seungkwan<

co wash. A little something extra, a boost of energy, if you will. a well kept secret but also a well known fact 

>Vernon<

hair tie. Easy to loose but also easy to find. especially in places where youd think: “why the fuck would it end up here?” Like idk man, but you should definitely check the dark corner collecting lint— that’s where they always are

>Dino<

leave in conditioner because with use over time it makes your hair (you) healthier

~End~

a/n: annnnnnnnddddd thats it! hope y'all enjoyed this disaster of a fic lmao if you liked it, please leave some love like comments or reblogging!

stay safe, y'all!

2023 ©️copyright for shutupheathersorryheatherr do NOT repost, steal, or translate my work even if you give me credit

taglist: @itz-yerin

[violetwitch12087]

When you're walking down the street to go home you bump into something or someone a silver headed mutant and when you guys become best friends and you go over to his house his mom loves you and as you're about to beat his high score on his arcade game he tries to stop you but you have an idea..

Clumsy

I walk down the street my backpack on my back going home from school when suddenly i bump into something i fall and land on my butt but my hands cushioned my fall i look up too see a silver headed actually really cute boy

He has dimples you can barley see when hes not smiling perfect lips a silver jacket a pink Floyd shirt and black jeans i thought i was the clumsy one it was almost like he appeared out of no where well maybe hes a mutant since his hair is literally silver

We look at each other for a moment before he quickly stands up and puts a hand out for me which i gladly take "sorry for running into you" he says and i shrug my shoulders a bit "its whatever at least you aren't a asshole" i say and he smiles his dimples more defiant

"And at least you didnt use your backpack to hit me a whole bunch of times" he says and a laugh escapes my lips and he looks down at my lips almost thinking of something but i just met him i dont wanna push him already "you're really pretty" he mutters out regret filling his face after but a blush just appears on my cheeks making butterflies in my stomach erupt

"Thank you" i mutter softly and nervously if theres one thing i hate about myself is my anxiety and nervousness i clear my throat trying to look more confident and put my hand out "my names y/n" i say and i see his eyes light up a bit "peter" he says taking my hand in his, his hand engulfing mine thats so attractive holy shit

I shake his hand our handshake lasting longer then it shouldve but im not complaining "can i uh maybe have your number? If you dont wanna give me it its fine I've gone through that before and stuff you know like really its fine" peter starts rambling and i laugh again softly before i grab his phone and put my number in it putting my name and a heart next to it

I pass the phone back to him and he looks down at the contact almost in disbelief before he looks back at me a smile going back on his face "thanks" he says and i nod softly "text me later handsome" i say before i breeze past him my arm touching his before i start walking home thinking of peter the entire time when i finally get home i put my backpack down and change before flopping onto my bed and i feel a vibration from my pocket i pull out my phone and see a random number texted me and i open it

'hey sweetheart its peter or should i say handsome?' he teases making me blush even more damn it i barley met him and i get butterflies when i even so much as think about him 'oh yeah? Okay babe i need to go to bed ill text you tomorrow?' i send and wait a moment before he responds 'yeah text me when you're free my love' he says and i squeal covering my face with my hands we barley met what the fuck but he's really cool i mean he listens to pink floyd i think i might really get along with him

I close my eyes pulling the blanket closer to me as i fall asleep peter stuck in my mind all night

______________________

The next day after school i walk down the same path where i met peter i would be lying if i said I didn't hope i saw peter when i feel a gust of wind infront of me i look up and am met with the eyes of speak of the devil, peter.

"Hey sweetheart" he says and i roll my eyes playfully "hey handsome" i say and i see a smile appear on his face "where ya headed off too?" He asks and i shrug "i might actually go to the store i needa pick up some things" i say and he nods "well can i go with you?" He asks and i look up at him before nodding and we start heading to the store

We get to the store and we walk inside going to get bread and milk and just the essentials and all that and before i could walk up to pay and scan my stuff i end up in the blink of an eye in the cart moving fastly for a split second and were outside i look around and see peter pushing the cart "what the hell was that for pete?" I ask and he shrugs a smug grin on his face "well with my mutation lets just say i don't really pay for a lot of stuff i cant resist it" he says "kleptomaniac" i murmur under my breath playfully and he nudges me with his elbow "exactly" he says making me smile

"Okay now i have to walk all the way to my house while holding these bags" i whine resting my hands on the cart and resting my head onto my hands covering my face "who says you alone?" He says and i smile lifting my head up "okay here's how its gonna work you grab the bags and put them on your wrists and hands and stuff and ill carry you to your house" he says and i look at him in disbelief

"What you dont believe me or somethin?" He asks and i shake my head "okay fine grab the bags" he says and i grab them putting my arm through the holes in the bag and peter walks over to me and picks me up bridal style making me squeal "omg peter please dont drop me" i say "im not that weak you know" he says rolling his eyes playfully making me smile "okay lay your head against my chest" he says and i look up at him confused "so you dont get whiplash" he says like it was obvious "oh" i mutter softly and rest the side of my head and face against his chest. Totally not enjoying this

In a flash we end up at the corner of the store and i give peter directions every time we stop and we make it to my house way quicker than if we walked i turn to peter "stay right here i havent said bye yet" i say and he smiles slightly as i go inside and set the bags onto the counter and walk back outside i go over to peter and pull him into a hug which he surprizingly accepts

My arms wrapped around his neck my head on his shoulder his arms wrapped around my waist securely i smile and give peter a peck on the cheek lingering it a bit "thank you handsome" i say softly "no problem sweetheart" he says and we finally pull away from each other despite my body and mind and heart yearning to hold him close to me again "ill text you later" i say and he nods "okay talk to you later" he says and i send him a wink before walking into my house and i start putting groceries away

After a while i end up finishing and i go to bed peter stuck in my mind like everytime

____________________

It has been a couple weeks now maybe a month and a half since me and peter met and started flirting and my feelings for him have sky rocketed i talk to him every day and night i think about him i even have dreams about him

Today i actually dont have school its the weekend and i really wanna see peter i dont know he just makes me so happy and we really get along hes so sweet to me i pick up my phone and press his contact 'hey handsomeee i dont have school today what ya doin?' i text him and wait for an answer which comes quick (pun intended) (get it cs hes fast? No? Okay my bad😭)

'hey sweetheart im really just bored you wanna hang out?' he sends and i smile 'of course i always wanna hang out with my favorite person' i say 'awe ur so sweet ill meet you at the same meet up spot' he says 'okay im heading out now see you in a bit' i send and i turn off my phone before putting it in my pocket and i start heading out the front door

I walk to go down the same trail where me and peter met that day and look around for peter when someone grabs my shoulders from the back and shakes me a bit "boo!" Peter says making me jump "god peter you scared the fuck out of me" i say raising my hand to hit him on his arm he saw this hit from miles away but let my hand come in contact with his arm (cs hes such a sweetheart)(god i love him)

"I had to do it" he says shrugging his shoulders and i roll my eyes playfully "what do you wanna do?" I ask as we start walking "okay dont make this seem weird but do u maybe wanna come over to my place?" He says and i immediately nod "of course i dont mind you're my bestfriend after all" why did i say that no i wanna be more than friends peter god im so stupid

Peter walks behind me making me confused before he bends down and picks me up bridal style again making me smile and i lay my head against his chest again and in a flash were infront of a pretty good looking house and peter slowly sets me down "thank you" i say softly "your welcome" he says smiling at me before we start heading to the front door

He opens it and we walk in "ma im home i have a friend" he yells "im in the kitchen" someone responds im guessing his mom since he called her ma we walk down to the kitchen where im met with a lady with brown almost blond hair in a ponytail to the side she seems sweet hopefully shes as sweet as peter is?

"Hi ms maximoff" i say putting my hand out and the lady seems taken back she smiles and takes my hand in hers "nice to meet you.."

"Y/n" i say "oh nice to meet you y/n you seem like a sweetheart, you and pete a thing or what cause she isnt that bad and i wouldnt mind" she says making a blush appear on my face a small laugh building inside of me "unfortunately me and peter are just friends, even if i wish we were together" i mumble the last part thinking she didnt hear it but oh she did "and she is a sweetheart thats what i call her" peter says and i have to look away to not show myself flustered

"Well me and y/n are gonna hang out downstairs" peter says as were about to start walking when his mom stops me she pulls me close to her and puts her mouth close to my ear "peters been gushing about a girl recently and i heard him say her name and it sounds like yours if you wish you guys were together then maybe go for it you only meet someone once and you seem like you would take care of pete and keep him in line" she says and i nod "and if he does like me i will ill treat him so well ill keep him off your shoulders i know how much energy he could have" i say and she smiles before i head back towards peter and we head down the steps to the house basement guess he lives down here its fine it looks actually kinda cool

"What did my mom say to you" peter asks as i look around and start to walk to a arcade machine peter has wow i want one of these "nothing important" i lie starting a game moving the joystick peter stands up and walks over to me standing next to me watching the screen as well after a couple moments im almost about to beat peters high score when he starts trying to take my hand off the joystick

Without thinking i grab peters collar and pull him close to me and place a quick kiss on his lips making him pause and look at me confused after a second i keep going and then i finally die i excitedly jump up and down "i won! I beat you peter!" I taunt starting to turn towards him when my lower back is pushed into the game peters hands on my waist my arms reach up to wrap around peters neck he looks down at me with doeful eyes

He starts to lean down our lips teasing each other as we barely touch then finally our lips connect we move our lips against one another my hands pulling him impossibly closer by his neck his arms wrap around my waist pulling me flat against him before he lets one arm go and gently puts his hand on my cheek as we kiss softly not wanting to let each other go our lips finally separate and he looks down at me while i look up at him looking into his beautiful brown eyes i dream of

"So uh you have a boyfriend?" He jokes nervously "yeah his names peter" i say before i grab his face with my hands and lay more kisses to his soft lips which he gratefully accepts kissing me back more relaxed and freely than the first time making me smile into the kiss causing him to smile as well

We pull away and i turn back to the game peters arm wraps around my waist as he watches me playing the game i couldnt be happier....

****************

This is the cutest thing I've ever seen omg i love this with my whole heart i love peter so much hes such a sweetheart hes a lover boy god i wish this was real😭 anyways i love you a lot as well you mean so much to me you dont even understand *mwah mwah mwah* bye bye my love

[spamtoon]

DCRC Week 7. I'm so close

I'm so close to catching up. time for an earthquake! I know that from puffy's various jokes about it something happens with the west coast in this one hoo boy calisota is gonna be in danger tonight! I'm so close to catching up. So inanely close. oh wiat hold on lemme get in club pen.guin again

ALRIGHT okay interesting first panel. i like the colors here and the sound effects. sorry these panels are so bright paperinik's style...

my favorite standard font title replacement so far i think

i like how the money symbol is there so we can tell its mcduck enterprises

im so mad i love how he's ploping the bear into the coffee. hot chocolate. something like that

the little crackers surrounding the coffee mug as theres a rainy scene in the background. the color contrast... hi one you look so silly today

i love how uno's just floating today usually they try to show his little chord or him attached to something but he's so silly

im so mad. get uno's ass donald

hes so silly though... the way donald rattles off all the things and uno's just like shut up please. he thinks he's onto something btu he's literally onto nothing

im so mad. do you know how to ride a bicycle this is not that

divorce (they argued for two seconds)

hello girl. i dont know who you are but your design is everything to me

im so mad shoutout to when comics do this. more heroes should be federal criminals and evade taxes. i love the way he's like Oh Fuck! I'm a Criminal Now! glad the government gets on pk's bad side too RIGHT after the time police nonetheless

she... i might have her job someday. imean not LITERALLY like i dont wanna go into security but i do want to work in an environmental department. i love how uno is just really into snooping on the fbi and honestly who wouldn't be Donald. be peer pressured into getting yourself into more trouble with the govenrment come onnn

physical antiviruses... ugh code wall so cool im. the way they're battling on the us fbi logo

IM SO MAD i actaully laughed at them getting angus fangus. if he blamed this on the duck avenger randomly he would be right and he could convince them so this could have been the worst play ever but its also the most cathartic

hello mary ann flagstarr...

cog donald's little red eyes... the digital and the real are blurring for a moment but i guess the fbi's security system is so complicated it has. air vents. or he's in the real fbi nevermind

holy shit guys its MEEEEEEEE yeah i never told you guys i was in pk the whole time. its insane

I LOVE HOW HES JUST LIKE. BEATING UP FEDERAL AGENTS NOW AND IT SLIKE OKAY things are only going to get worse im . this is a you call yourself a superhero moment but also the government is the government so!

odnald duck really did think nobody would show up at 3am

hes so fucking smug

ah the pangea project! surely that doesn't mean good things for calisota! ah okay they're not painting the whole government as evil just this guy specifically that makes a little more sense for a disney comic

she's so sad... ooh this is gonna be a ba.xter stockman situation isnt it (SORRY i have seen 1 episode of 2003 and it was. the banned one in call with everyone). she's just like oh my god you're fucking dying and he's like my plan... you must do it... it was my wife's definitely

WHAAAAAAAAT NOOOOOO... HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN IN MY DONALD DUCK STORY? (sarcastic)

sorry this was like the one thing i knew about this comic beforehand. other than like. uno existed. sarcasm aside i do love this panel

i like they Try to give a reason as to why the govenrment is doing this "out of good will" despite the evil laughs and such as like. a climate change backup--land we haven't messed up yet. but like this should be a last resort and not an immediately executed plan and i get you cant evacuate the whole west coast but california has so much of what the us is known for the us would be stupid to let those countless tourism dollars go to waste--especially when new land may not immediately go to claim of the us and Wars might happen over it. sorry im not nitpicking or anything i'm just saying my thoughts. like st canard is a massive city and so is duckburg and--sorry

and uno is sad because he doesnt know whether the sacrifice is worth it which. alright! yeah! but everything's not gonna be peachy keen just because we have some new land to work with. its got to grow naturally and as its arisen from the sea unless its all completely man-bulldozed its going to be rock, dead coral, and lichen for a while before anything grows naturally. the thought process of a scientist who can see everyone as getting in the way, climate change disaster as inevitable unless there are serious changes in human behavior or just straight up more resources and time (and who HATES calisota because he lives there), sure. believable enough for a silly comic like this

IM SO MAD AND THEN IT JUST CUTS TO

HIS STUPID PLANE its beautiful.

PLEASE dont kill of mary ann i love her already

im so glad she doesnt shoot either of them right away like its a massive ??? situation. you cant shoot donald duck

uno feels so bad for dipping for a second for being unsure :(((( poor guy...

this ending panel with the seagull is so good but oh. hohoh. are we gonna get more uno lore next issue ANYWAY yeah! good comic i see why this one is a lot of people's favorites. im glad im having fun reading paperinik again... that sure was a terremoto and boy oh boy... the west coast DIDNT sink? thanks to donald duck? wow. incredible.

[leaflovingal]

Cawl rant time, plus other admech fan annoyances

TLDR: I'm fine with him as a character, he's just the face of Admech and I think that's stupid, especially considering the already massive lack of Ad Mech characters.

Okay so, I saw on the Ad Mech subreddit that there's a new book with Cawl and Fabius Bile. Dope. Looking forward to it. However, it got me thinkin; why Cawl? Why choose Cawl over any other Admech character? Well, there aren't any. There are no other Ad Mech characters.

While yes, obviously, there are other characters in other books, like Kostov and stuff, there are no other major Ad Mech characters currently alive in the setting as far as I know of. There are, say, Kane and Land, but land is dead and i believe Kane dissapeared. Cawl is the start and end of Ad Mech characters in the setting. And that's really fucking lame obviously.

Now, I do not have a problem with Belisarius Cawl as a character, however he should not be the face of the Adeptus Mechanicus. How many other factions have their main character, their big guy, go entirely against several rules that define their faction? Probably a few, sure, but I can't personally think of any. Does say, cato sicarius go against all the rules of the Ultramarines? I think he uses drop pods aggressively but other than that he's not very standout other than "im special boy".

Cawl made a fucking AI. Straight up. He invented a shit ton of new stuff. He uses xenotech. The vast majority of the Adeptus Mechanicus would flay him given the chance. They hate him. Why is he their poster boy? It makes no sense. I understand that the Adeptus Mechanicus are difficult to make interesting on an individual level, but holy shit do you have to make their main guy shit all over their religion?

Not to mention that he has been a part of all the important shit for the Admech as of late, if not the sole part of them present. Cadia? Check. Biggest upgrade the imperium has gotten in thousands of years? That was him. Nice game for my faction, would be a shame if I just *tricked a fucking c'tan shard AKA part of a literal god* making that previous ordeal seem lame by comparison. Good job fighting through a tomb world, i cheated a literal actual god.

It's just so tiring, especially with how Admech can barely pull a win anywhere else in lore, plus current rules for tabletop. Also, y'know, lion getting to deal with vashtorr. You know, vashtorr the evil machine god dude? The one that would work super well to bring the dark mechanicum back into relevance? The one that could offer a really good reason make a new faction for tabletop and update another? No. Dark angels. Lmao.

Fuck dude. Okay, trying to wrap this up, hopefully GW doesnt shit all over us in the codex. While yes the rules and abilities in 9th were a lot to learn, that idea of making a machine with your cogs is neccessary to give the ad mech an identity on tabletop. Medium to small army of mediocre units that can be buffed to a usable and deadly weapon if you're smart about it is what the ad mech are. They need that.

Hopefully the next none cawl admech book wont be half full of rogue traders, black templars, and eldar. Hopefully the next characters are from somewhere other than mars so i dont have to look at just red all the time. Hopefully the next characters are as good as the mechanicus game. I genuinely found the characters from that game more interesting than cawl, because there's a dynamic between them instead of a smartass who would say "I DONT KNOW, CAAAAAAN YOU?" If a kid asked "can i use the restroom" instead of "may i use the restroom" who then had a layer of pseudo fatherly lover put over him as he talks to a traumatized child soldier to make him seem fucking interesting when he's just being a cunt.

[patchdotexe]

doip. / 7.7.23:

welcome back to dragon of icespire peak! now on the roster: jason! our party has now effectively doubled. we did it kids

the twitch chat in jorb's brain is green's tv

LAST TIME, ON DRAGON OF ICESPIRE PEAK: You guys fought a really big pig! [dead silence for the rest of the DBZ intro] IT JUST KEEPS GOING

one minute of silence as the dbz music plays. absolutely fantastic. my face already hurts

I AM GOING TO THROW JORB . oh my god. we start RIGHT OFF with a nightmare of alidaar back in the arena trying to take down his like - oh my god i havent written down any of this in my notes yet huh. alidaar is a runaway gladiator slave! and his owner/the arena master is a huge dick that alidaar spent most of his childhood trying to take down to win his freedom and failed every time. so alidaar starts off with a nightmare of trying that again and again, and then zasan the fuckhead turns into a cryovain hybrid, clones himself, and blasts alidaar with lightning. and then he wakes up! and i am not doing this scene justice! holy hell!

alidaar wakes up In An Actual Bed Holy Shit. also nameless is sleeping on him! adorable

alidaar is in the fancy guest bedroom! time to find kepesk

Alidaar Is Trying To Search For Kepesk With His Soul . he rolled a 16 and now believes he can find kepesk if he tries hard enough

kepesk located! the courtyard is being cleaned up, not much time has passed since Boar Problems

CORWIN IS BUTCHERING THE THUNDERBOAR . BY HIMSELF . LMAO

time to head out to see where the boar came from!

green: we're coming back, right? leo: we gotta, we gotta eat the pig! falcon: there'll be some pork for you. at least.. i think it's pork. i'm not sure it's a real boar. alidaar: meat is meat!

kepesk leads the way! big clearing with a burnt-out pine tree that has 10 little dolls at the base of it. normal. this is fine. hey wait

leo: …did we leave twigbias at the hunting lodge? jorb: did you? nyx: did we? green: i forgot we have a guy in a box.

OH GOD THE DOLLS HAVE HEARTS IN THEM. GROSS . OH GOD THE HEARTS ARE STILL BEATING, GROSS!!!!!!!!!

alidaar: should we start disposing of these - do we have fire? nameless: :| alidaar: ..oh right you do fire shit now. um, can you do fire shit to these? ………….please?

nyx: can i do an arcana check? jorb: for what purpose? nyx: to see if i can find the fucking purpose of this shit???

oh ew the hearts are Linked to something. i am still voting for fire

Nameless Is Being Gross (removed a heart and crushed it) AH OH NO WE ARE UNDER ATTACK FROM TREE

ZODIARK THE HORSE ROLLED A NAT20 TO DODGE THE OPENING SALVO. LOVE THIS HORSE

kepesk: do trees normally do that? alidaar: uhhh i've seen a couple trees and this is new, so nameless: only a couple??? [..] jorb: -first time seeing a tree with 10 hearts! green: or, 9 hearts now. jason: one more and it can pull the master sword from the stone.

green: maybe it's a nice tree! leo: HOW DO WE TALK TO A TREE, BESIDES THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF VIOLENCE

nyx: what are we supposed to do?! jorb: you could leave! nyx: is this where the trail ends??? jorb: the trail keeps going past this. nyx: WHAT ARE WE DOING leo: fuck this shit im out~

green: maybe it's like a pokemon team and it's team pig and team no-pig. jason: electric pig is the name of my philip k dick podcast.

jorb: you could use the necklace of fireballs! green: there's like 8, isn't there? jorb: you didn't use any on gorthok! green: the boar was weak. >:) nyx: like this tree!

we have stacked all the dolls and let kepesk smack em all at once . TIME FOR TREE

alidaar: [rolls 19] i'm gonna do the coolest backflip. kepesk: [rolls 9] i try to also do the coolest backflip and land on my face.

uh oh . there appears to be a problem (tree has grabbed people)! except then everybody immediately got free. including the horse. and now we don't know what else to do.

nyx: …why did we do this? leo: i dunno! [..] green: "i could've told you my whole life story, but you killed me!" jason: that would be a pretty good epitaph.

jason: take only photographs, leave only sociopathic violence? nyx: i can only imagine in toblerone's mind right now- leo: TOBLERONE?

alidaar: let's just leave, we did it. nyx: we did it! jorb: you did it! you solved my tree puzzle! your reward is nothing. leo: yaaay! green: let's never talk of that again. jorb: that filler episode was weird!

we have found a large ditch! aaaand on the other side of the ditch are some followers of talos! TIME FOR INITIATIVE

oh hey targor has a longbow! that's handy. i wonder if my crossbow still sucks

IT STILL SUCKS.

nyx is ALSO struggling to nail the guy with sacred flame so like at least we're in this together

TIME FOR KEPESK TO THROW A FIREBALL. BWOOSH

Jorb Now Has To Roll Like 9 Saving Throws

kepesk: i look at the rest of the team, "does this remind you of any trees we've seen recently?" :D jorb: the orc on the other side's eye twitches, like "really?" jorb: is zodiark still standing back? green: yeah-- he high-fives me because i'm so awesome.

Kepesk Gets Hit With Lightning green: i just stare at him unblinking the entire time while he's casting it and then i get bzbzbzbzbztztzt

ONE OF THEM IS RUNNING AWAY LMAO. GOOSDBYE . HE HAS 1 HP AND HE IS OUT OF HERE

taken two down, now it's just the spellcaster (and the running guy!) time for crossbow leo: i'm gonna use my crossbow again..

leo: [voice cracks] I'M GONNA BREAK THIS THING IN HALF jorb: you might've already broken something, that'd explain the rolls!

green considers Compelled Duel-ing the spellcaster into the ravine and chucking another fireball orb. it would be SO funny (but also a waste of an orb)

however she IS gonna compelled duel him! let's go!

jorb: how do you compell a duel with him? kepesk: you're so good at throwing stuff at us, i bet you can't come over here and throw stuff at us! bet you can't do that in the ravine!

WAIT NOOO IT HAS A RANGE OF 30 FEET AND HE'S 60 FEET AWAY…. MAN

jorb: you just insult him.

KEPESK IS NOW WITHIN 30 FEET OF HIM. COMPELLED DUEL

kepesk: I BET YOU WON'T FIGHT ME IN THE PIT!

god damn alidaar really does just wreck shop when he's in close quarters huh. got the kill and threw the spellcaster back up the ditch! also one guy ran away but he is On 1 HP and literally ran to the hills so i think he gets to live

ooh, stormclouds over stonehenge! The Circle Of Thunder! two people are having a dance party with More Twigblights

jorb: everyone make stealth checks! leo: [rolls a 6] oh. nyx: [rolls a 4] um. green: [rolls a nat 1] WHOO!

We Have Been Caught.

jason: GOD DAMNIT MARIO IF NOT FOR YOU WE WOULD'VE KEPT OUR COVER [..] nyx: mario you've fucked it up for all of us. what have you got to say for yourself you goddamn italian. i don't know if there's any italian slurs but i'm gonna-- jason: oh there are SO many.

jorb: they know you're here and they look hostile. kepesk: HEYYYY CMON GUYS! AHEH! AAYYYYYyyy i can come up with something better, hold on-- jorb: …roll a persuasion with disadvantage.

(We Are Now In Combat)

i'm rolling poorly for everything except my sword.

oh right the pcs have new tokens!

or well nameless had a new token but alidaar and kepesk have new tokens :D

(i actually. need to redo ali's because the contrast sucks. whoops)

oh? you're a chime?

[distant WAHOO]

jorb: well it's a high dc but they're rolling well. nyx: have they considered not??? jorb: …ill let them know.

jorb: targor's turn! he's gonna tar and he's gonna gor

genasi: we've had intruders here before… let me show you how we deal with them. [HITS KEPESK AND NAMELESS WITH LIGHTNING]

leo: [spaces out thinking abt alidaar's nightmare sequence] leo: --hey why did they clone?? jorb: huh?? [notices one of the tokens got duplicated] oh. nyx: ALIDAAR, IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR DREAM! IT'S COMING TRUE! leo: AH NOOO

jorb: and he's.. gonna use his action.. to turn into a pig! why is there two of him also.

SURE. ONE OF THE GUYS WE'RE FIGHTING IS A PIG. boar time

jorb, struggling with movement: where's the ruler. nyx: he's just teleporting. jorb: he moves THERE. [token zips across screen] nyx: every time somebody moves like that i want to put in a slide whistle noise

Kepesk Takes A Moment To Heal green: i sit down and drink. nyx: chug chug chug chug jorb: it tastes like health. nyx: tastes like prion disease! jorb: tastes like prion disease! no, it tastes a bit.. cinnamon-y?

nyx: i'm going to explode [the boar] with my mind. jorb: you're going to cast prion disease.

i appear to have become a primary target.

the genasi cast Bless on themself, their friend… and then needed to do one more person, so they picked a twigblight. hey what makes this twigblight so special

Steven The Twigblight

genasi: this is my special boy! his name's steven! nyx: do the other ones have names? genasi: no! that's why he's special!

GOODBYE STEVEN.

leo: steven is gone. jorb: [steven universe voice] HE'S.. GONE! green: special boy was kinda asking for it.

yeah alidaar is continuing to be the anti-twigblight weapon of mass destruction as long as i have a breath weapon charge. rip steven 2023 - 2023

green: [cutting out] nyx: …are you barking??

kepesk is doing lightning stuff also! get fucked, our lizard is also storms

leo: h . hey guys.

leo: it's steven. [..] jorb, switching back into narration mode: seeing this-- not steven--

nyx: that's what you get for attacking my lizard!

genasi downed the boar and sent nameless tumbling away with a thunderwave but uh. nothing stops the kepesk and alidaar train!

kepesk: YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK! Hey. [venomshocks the genasi to death]

alidaar, looking down at the bodies: hm. we probably shoulda tried to ask em what was goin on here before startin the violence.

DID WE EVEN GET THEIR NAMES? I DON'T THINK WE GOT THEIR NAMES. the genasi said the boar's name but i didn't write it down. the only one with a name is Steven now and forever

hmm. killing the talosers took out the storm, and this was definitely where the boar was summoned, but there doesn't seem to be anything here besides that? OH WAIT THERE'S TUNNELS

THERE ARE NO TRUCKS IN WORLD OF WARCRAFt

zodiark found a potion of greater healing we all forgot about. also kepesk found some ashes and a lame axe and is very disappointed

INTO THE PIT! I HAVE FOUND JASON

[STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

jason's guy is playing solitaire. alidaar is So confused. time to cut him free with fancy sword!

alidaar: I FOUND A MAN! kepesk: is that a treasure?

kepesk: do you need help fighting a man? alidaar: hopefully not! jorb: he is unarmored and unarmed leo: and kind of a dweeb. jason: that's what my mother calls me.

jason's guy: [..] one of my colleagues got incinerated [..] alidaar: did he uh- kepesk: did one of those guys have a lame axe?

OH MY GOD HIS NAME IS AREPO. (Arepo H. Legomenon!) AND HE'S DOING SOMETHING FOR A LONG NAME THAT SHORTENS TO WIKIPEDIA. (Wholly Inclusive Knowledge Index Project for Ensuring Dependable Information Access)

(also i missed the context and forgot to write it down at the time but there was a joke about us messing with the tree trap and arepo hearing the zelda dungeon unlock noise)

our party rules.

OH MY GOD NAMELESS HAS A NAME

DAUBLE

kepesk: this is zodiark, he's my horse :D alidaar: kepesk, buddy, bit hard to miss your horse. kepesk: and who would want to? :D

[jason googling what the outer layer of a bone is called]

Alidaar Finally Realizes How Fucking Cool His Sword Looks (i didn't realize dragon slayer has artwork! it looks cool as hell! oh my god!)

JASON'S FIRST NAT20! whoops arepo was intended to be a sacrifice. good thing we killed everybody!

finding trapdoors! [zelda dungeon appearing noise] arepo: that noise again..!

Always Split The Party! [citation needed]

second nat20! arepo drinks a weird potion! (it's a potion of invulnerability. he is not dead) jorb: 29, because your proficiencies are insane-- arepo: i went to college!

time for kepesk and alidaar to look around! there is not much in here. jorb: [scene description of a boring storage room with niches] nyx: i thought you were gonna say there's a bunch of talos guys in the niches

"oh, i didn't tell you about the second one?" "the summoning spell summons two!" "gorthok the thunder boar is my father"

GORTHOK JR

prison of gorthok (waterdeep night club)

arepo running full-tilt to tell kepesk and alidaar about a hidden compartment

arepo: SPEAKING OF FLOORS-- alidaar: we were talking about floors??? kepesk: floors! alidaar: FLOORS? I HARDLY KNOW ER--

leo: okay! i am become knowledge of floors! ………it's getting late

ali's found a cool shield with lightning designs! and immediately threw it at kepesk. it's very on-brand for him

The Entire Squad Stares At A Deer arepo: we have bacon at home, we don't need to kill the deer GOKTHOR THE THUNDER DEER! we have released a deer! it has run away

alidaar: we have affected the ecosystem. [long pause]

THE DEER WILL REMEMBER THAT. TOBIAS WILL REMEMBER THAT. DONJON RASKIN WILL REMEMBER THAT.

time to head on back!

FALCON

FALCON HAS GIVEN US JERKY!! YIPPEEEEEE

THUNDER JERKY

We Are Eating The Boar. It Is Tingly

jason: "i go for seconds" "alright take 2d6 thunder damamge!"

a new day dawns! targor leaves for neverwinter, but we have successfully bribed arepo with jerky.

WE STILL DON'T HAVE A PARTY NAME! :D

BUT IT'S OK BC DAUBLE DOES

jason: something something last name either ganger or lereffect

[diagonal-queen]

belated thungo thursday! someone's about to be real sad and that someone is ME

dazai: you have to do an impossibly important job for me akutagawa: oka- dazai: keep atsushi safe akutagawa: N E V E R

akutagawa was like 'dont kill the weretiger. not cus i like him or anything, but because if you kill him, he's gonna revive and he's gonna be an even bigger pain in the ass. save all of us the trouble'

NOT fukuchi being like 'respect the elderly' and akutagawa is like 'i don't discriminate. i hate everyone regardless of their age'

am i the only one who sometimes gets a little annoyed at how atsushi and akutagawa are always arguing with each other? like in the right time and place it's very funny and actually very important to their relationship but the two of them will literally put more effort into insulting each other than defending their lives from the powerful enemy who is very much trying to kill them. PRIORITIES BOYS. PRIORITIES. EVEN SOUKOKU DON'T DO THAT

'Do we need any more?' who wants to tell him

(SORRY THAT WAS SO UNCALLED FOR LMAOOAAOOAOAOAOAOAOAOA)

i wonder how fukuchi discovered his ability. like imagine as a kid he was just like hanging out with a friend or something and they were eating chips or something and he jokingly throws a chip at his friend and the impact from that single chip makes said friend fly across the room and land on the floor dead and fukuchi is like 'uh. whoops'

NOOOOO THEY DIDNT ANIMATE THE PART WHERE AKUTAGAWA AND ATSUSHI WERE ARM IN ARM FOR A SECOND BEFORE AKUTAGAWA PUSHED HIM AWAY :(

'four years ago dazai san abandoned me' omg akutagawa taking that shit SO personal. he left because his bestie got killed by some french dude it had nothing to do with your emo ass

'i don't get paid enough to die with a villain!' he was so real for that

holy shit the part where sskk caught the bullets and dropped them i fucking gasped. that was so sexy and for what??? why was that so hot i rewatched it like ten times holy shit hotties

okay akutagawa knowing how to safely choke someone?? i guess we know what he's into

im curious as to why atsushi didnt ask akutagawa to go longer without killing someone- like a year or something. did he think he'd say no? was he thinking 'that's too high a goal for this maniac. baby steps' LMAOOOO

i love how atsushi's run is like this goofy ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕦ( ᐕ )ᕡ thing while akutagawa just naruto runs with a stone cold expression

'should we be outed, my head will be the first to fly' akutagawa on his odasaku arc

(THAT ONE WAS EVEN MEANER HELP IM SO SORRY)

i think its established pretty well now that i find atsushi sexy (and im sure absolutely nobody else does, but dont come for me) his tiger stripe mark things on his face make him look WICKEDLY attractive. argue with the wall

fukuchi live tweeting this crap like 'having a smoke while these gay boys plan to kill me. i'll update if i live lol'

people really always be like 'fukuchi has a point because of his war experience' i guarantee you if you were to approach any actual veterans and ask them if their experience in conflict made them want to plot for decades in order to kill everyone in the world who has ever been a veteran/fought in any sort of conflict, they would NOT give you an affirmative response. shut the fuck up

AND HE'S LIKE 'my struggles have been infinite and nobody gives me recognition for them so im mad' BUDDY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?????? AKUTAGAWA IS RIGHT THERE (and atsushi too but i mean he's kinda gotten some recognition for his rough life. akutagawa's gotten NONE)

imagine akutagawa like in beast breaking his arm and yosano is like 'oh dw akutagawa i can fi-' and then he's just using rashoumon to do it himself lmao (does he do that in beast? i havent finished it)

atsushi: i need to defeat this villain me: cus he wants to end the wor- atsushi: because i dont want akutagawa to do it first me:

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THEIR CONSTANT BICKERING???? DAMNIT SSKK

heyyyyy we finally got an akutagawa ass shot!!! *adds to collection* i

akutagawa: i need to defeat this villain me: cus he wants to end the wor- akutagawa: because i want dazai to think im cool me:

i mean he soon followed it by saying 'i would never work for you because you'll never be as cool as dazai' which is very true, so i guess you've redeemed yourself for now akutagawa

akutagawa in uniform >>>>>>>>

whoever is voicing akutagawa and atsushi in this ep deserves a million billion dollars

im sorry sskk. i didnt mean to laugh. but the sudden triumphant moment being cut off (as well as atsushi's hand lmaoo) made me giggle im sorry

TIGER FISHEYE

this episode got me wondering all over again; HOW is anybody going to defeat fukuchi. there is (seemingly) literally no way to best the spacetime sword (can't be arsed to remember its name im sorry). how the hell are they gonna resolve this. im not smart enough to theorise like the rest of you guys

holy shit what a perfect way to end that episode. like the suddenness of it and screaming akutagawa's name, but also because i haven't stopped listening to tetsu no ori since it came out and i'm obsessed with this song. everyone say thankyou granrodeo

i'm surprised i spent most of that time thirsting instead of crying. let's wait and see what happens next thungo thursday!!

[thegeminisage]

ok, i only have an hour at most, but i've been informed the way forward is to the castle, so...gulp, yikes, jinkies, zoinks, etc

OKAY WELL.

firstly i tried to be funny and start at the top bc i knew. and i was right. that they put a korok here

secondly IT'S ALWAYS LIGHTNING? I DON'T HAVE ANY WOODEN WEAPONS!!!

thirdly. the fake zelda's voice is INCREDIBLY creepy. the model would've fooled me but not her voice. yyyyyikes.

ohhhh the music is different! not just what plays near it down below...

snagged a shrine for fast travel but im NOT doing that shit rn

i would say "at least theres no guardians" but....

wait. lemme check for hands.

ok, a couple on the outskirts but none IN the castle itself thankfully......

normally i'd stop and explore the entire castle, but i'm hoping there'll be time for that later...right now i'm just picking my way over to her

SHE'S TELEPORTING!!!!!!!!!!!

TRYING TO KILL MY ASS WITH MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ooooh the original hyrule castle theme snuck in here.....multiple times!!!

stumbled across a korok puzzle. lol.

OOPS i fell too far and left the castle...goddammit i thought i was supposed to be going down!!! i miss the 3D map tbh

FOUND HER...the library...where her dad's diary was...wah

a HINOX??? she's gonna spawn a fucking lynel next i just know it

yooooo royal guard boots! nice

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

REDEAD

I ALMOST GOT JUMPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god i would have preferred the lynel

her study!! waaahhh

i need to go down, but not so far down i leave the castle...i can't figure out what to do >:(

FOUND IT. wah the barracks or whatever

HER VOICE IS SO CREEEEPYYYYY

omg wait aaaa the MUSIC changed..............it's HER SONG!!!

oh i see. four fights for four fake zelda...just like the objectives in any other dungeon lol. cleverly hidden, i nearly missed it

THE ROOM WHERE I FOUGHT GANON..............NO THANK YOOOOOU

oh god okay here i go!!!!!!!!

dont be a lynel dont be a lynel dont be a lynel

oh! a cutscene!

WHAT

THE

FUCK

WHATS GOING ON...IS THIS TIME TRAVEL...WHAT DID SHE DO

ive got my sword out mentally. knife emoji. i hate this little freak gimme back my GIRL

"does it bring back memories" IM GONNA KERMIT

GANONDORF????????????? DEHYDRATED VERSION?????????????

Y'ALL SWORE TO ME THIS WAS NOT ENDGAME SHIT.......................

"did my puppet entertain you" PUPPET ZELDA PUPPET ZELDA HE SAID THE THING

PHANTOM GANON????????????????????????????????????????????

oh god oh god oh god at LEAST i didnt have to do the hands first!!!!!

god by the way i like matt mercers dehydrated ganondorf voice SO much better bc he is doing a thing to make him sound less like matt mercer. he should do that all the time

PHASE TWO DISABLED MY SAGES?!?!?!?!?!!?

oh my god...oh my god...phase 1 was fun like me & the gang vs ganondorf...but now hes HARDER and im ALONE!!!!!!!

omg you can reduce the sludge and they wake up but then it gradually creeps up again 😭😭😭 thats so cool and also SCARY!!!! somebody come hold my hand

it keeps telling me the master sword is low on energy, but it also keeps not running out because it keeps GLOWING when the malice spreads......nice. fi is unkillable thanks to zelda. she stayed a dragon 10,000 years for this outcome specifically

GOT HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD........OH MY GOD THE GANG IN PERSON...................oh my god oh my god i thot i knew everything but i still got to be surprised!!! immediately welled up wtf

"you stand before ganondorf" YES WE DO KING

the world that WAS and WILL BE AGAIN....TIME TRAVEL?????????? TIME TRAVEL????????????????????

oh a VISION!!! it's a cool vision though i HOLY SHIT HIS HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god..................

man the way riju is the one to clock that he's not all there yet. mwah. i love gerudo girls reading him for filth

there's sooo many good weapons on the ground here after all that a true shame i can't take them all........

omg lookout landing everyone is HERE 🥺 i miss the cool music though...

oh man...everyone's reunions are great but harth noting the injuries on tulin and how he's been doing more than his fair share...HE IS A BABY!!!

"and the princess was an impostor" FINALLY we get there

"so she's REALLY in the distant past!!!" oh my FUCKINGGGG god

i knew it. i knew it was mineru its GONNA be mineru

you can tell muzu you did the geoglyphs but not that zelda is a dragon...CMON

well well speak of She...she's flying over the great plateau right about now!

since i have only the vaguest idea of what to do about the fifth sage im gonna farm some parts and then call it quits for now

okay, i did it. i will now be lying down for the next 6,000 business years.

[finn-shitposts]

I posted 41,927 times in 2022

52 posts created (0%)

41,875 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

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I tagged 3,286 of my posts in 2022

#kenobi spoilers - 233 posts

#andor spoilers - 210 posts

#dw spoilers - 201 posts

#good good meta - 124 posts

#fave - 91 posts

#finn.txt - 86 posts

#moon knight spoilers - 84 posts

#anakin <3 - 42 posts

#my art - 37 posts

#treasured mutual &lt;3 - 37 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#choosing how dark the colour of the lines should be and whether i should use black lines here or there to seperate parts of the drawing out

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Its so funny that i got my email confirming my first HRT prescription on trans visibility day! Like fuck yeah the universe said trans rights babeyyy

11 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

#4

I start my first day of work tomorrow :OOO its not an actual planting day yet, just getting to know the team/office and doing lotsa paperwork, but still im hella excited :D

first proper tree planting day is thursday n friday so im gonna be satisfyingly knackered for the weekend heh ^_^

Despite it only being part time im just so happy i found a job that i can actually enjoy instead of a soul sucking corporate hellscape skssksks

12 notes - Posted February 13, 2022

#3

Guys someone i beg help me find this one thing of Thrawn and Anakin

im still catching up on star wars content after being out of the fandom for ages so i have no clue where to look for it ;;

A while back i listened to an audio clip of anakin trying to pronounce thrawns name and failing terribly, but ive been looking for it for ages and cant seem to find it T.T does anyone have it on hand or know the title of the audiobook (if it even came from one)

17 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#2

Oh holy shit? The regenerating cybermen

DOCTAAAAHHHHH!!!!

THE ORANGE SPACE SUITS

old man dan struggling to climb a ladder and then superhero landing xD

Cyber masters... so dramatic lmao

Dan looking at his smashed in helmet like. Wtf. How am i alive

Dans gentle train conductor voice <333 what a dork

Nouhhhhh not the kiddo :(

19 notes - Posted October 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Girl help im slowly being drawn back into kpop....i cant do this again... im not strong enough.... it consumed so much of my time from 2017-2019.......

but i keep seeing skz in my youtube reccomended and the urge to just. Rewatch all their content and start doing kpop fanart again. PLus chens new songs dropping. GAh someone help

25 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[taxfraudhousewife]

these white people on the internet will be the death of me

you’re lucky you fucked off before the internet got even worse

i’m trying to convince myself it’s enough that i know what’s real and i know what you lived and died for

but like maybe i literally don’t fucking know

don’t worry i’m not that type of indoctrinated yet

i just mean the more i learn the more i know ill never know

i didn’t say anything but damien yee said it’s fake

i thought it was funny i thought what the fuck type of autism is this

when you love russia but you hate iran but you love guns

i thought the guns might endear him to you

i know that’s extremely incorrect

but i thought i could make him see

half chinese to half chinese

angry white boy to angry white boy

but i’m not a boy and im not white and im not chinese

or maybe those all mean very different things to him

i wish i didn’t tell him your name cause the way he said it made me want to jump out the car

the second i said it i knew

i should’ve known from MY UNCLE WAS IN THE IDF AND HES REALLY NICE

why was i even in his truck in the first place

i wish you were here i want to talk shit with you

i want to be judgemental and self righteous and look down on all those stupid boys with you

i wanna laugh at them with you i just wanna know what you’d say

cause now it just makes me really angry

the genocide deniers aren’t fun anymore

he was so desperate but so unwilling it was kind of insulting

all cause i can’t say please can we talk about something else cause im scaring myself

all cause i can’t say i think he’s too deep in the indoctrination not that i blame him

you would’ve told him his pessimism and his obsession with numbers mean nothing

you would’ve put it into words cause you could actually fucking put humanity and life and death and god into words

you would’ve made him see god and you wouldve struck such fucking mighty fear in him

but i just sat there and nodded

i led with “i feel” statements and did not whip out a single wikipedia article

i hoped i could be like you

i thought i could make him see with the magic of humanity and life and death and god

cause numbers only make people sad and angry but stories make us hopeful

and i wish i never said it i hate the way he said your name

he said it like it wasn’t a special sacred religious name in a special sacred religious book from a special sacred religious land

he said it like it wasn’t actual fucking sunlight put into a single noun

he said it the way i read out the names of skip drivers

do you see how absolutely fried my brain is

i fall into the same trap again and again

cause i’m waiting for the reincarnation of you to finally trap me

maybe i’m just way more reactionary than i thought

these boys are telling me unrwa is hamas so of course it leads me back to you

cause i thought you fried what was left of my brain but then israel finished the job

i just wanna know what you’d say about them once we settled in our warm spots

with the blankets and the too cold sucking lemons coolers

i don’t even know if it’s a racism thing or a i’m a girl thing

i hadn’t even considered the i’m a girl part until liam said it

and i’m like actually offended

i am so offended and angry how dare they

i wanna do to them what i assume they did to you

i’d just be reeducating them

if a reeducation camp is for reeducation then what’s the problem they should thank me for being so progressive

what’s the big hullabaloo youre not starving if i feed you four hundred calories every few days

it’s just reeducation i’m helping you develop important skills you’ll need for the workforce

skills you can’t develop in your own neighbourhood with your own people

cause your people are violent and radical

they’re fucking backwards cousin fuckers goat fuckers

you need me to reeducate you

so why won’t you thank me

anyway sorry for being so fucking dramatic holy shit

i know they’re not worth it they’re not worth the thought let alone the conversation

i’m just really really pissed off and it’s so hard to not be a reactionary piece of shit sometimes

i wish you would remind me i am not a boy

wish you’d remind me my job as a woman is to quell male anger

keep them comforted enough that they don’t burn the whole world down

you’d say that’s how we got here in the first place

fuckin not very manly of you to go and get fucking murdered by effeminate rice and corn eaters tho

jesus sorry i know it was probably super noble and honourable and it got you into valhalla

i’m just being a fucking annoying atheist and the idea that all that didn’t even get you into valhalla

not in jannah either awkwardly trying to unionize seventy two virgins

it just sucks

i don’t think i’d care about any of this if you didn’t

i mean it it’s not the politics it’s you

i wish you gave up on everything and everyone and became the most disgustingly selfish neoliberal to walk the fucking planet

i would think no less of you if you did