#like hey. I’m supposed to be the only copy like that. limited edition type shit

[selfindulgentfandomstuff]

Does anyone else have this thing where you grew up so different and ostracized from your peers that you grew to pride yourself on your differences, your uniqueness? And then you grow up and become an adult (or some twisted mockery of one anyways) and find people exactly like you, down to the same hobbies, appearance, talents and you’re like. Oh wow. I’m not special at all 👍

[perlukafarinn]

prompt from @cosmicannibalism:  Castiel and Dean work together and Dean got Cas for secret Santa. Dean has a huge crush on Cas of course and gets him something super sentimental and definitely over the $20 gift limit, like a first edition of Castiels favorite book or something, and just hopes and prayes that Castiel never figures out that Dean was his secret Santa.

Thing is, Dean never wanted Cas to find out about his pathetic crush on him.

For one, it’s pathetic. It’s been eight years since Dean broke up with his first boyfriend and he still can’t handle being around men he likes. And Cas is way too good for him. He deserves someone at least half as amazing as he is, and that’s not Dean.

They’re also coworkers. You don’t shack up with coworkers, that’s just common sense.

Dean keeps all that in mind, constantly, because the last thing he wants is to slip up and let Cas know how he feels. He loves the time they spend together too much. They’re sort-of friends, in that way you’re friends with co-workers you never see outside of work, and sitting with Cas in the teachers’ lounge during their lunch break is usually the highlight of Dean’s day.

Yeah, Dean’s pathetic. That’s already been established.

But when Dean drew Cas’ name in this year’s game of Secret Santa, all he could think of was getting him the perfect present. It’s gonna be a shitty holiday season for Cas, as he’s on the outs with his family again – a bunch of wealthy corporate types who look down their noses at Cas for being a teacher – and Dean just wants to make him happy for at least a little bit of it.

He ends up tracking down a signed copy of The Autumn of the Patriarch online, spending half the night in an intense bidding war. Dean’s never read Gabriel Garcia Marquez himself but he’s one of Cas’ favorite authors. Cas will probably be thrilled to get it.

Dean’s feeling pretty darn proud of himself as he puts his present underneath the sad little plastic tree in the teachers’ lounge. It’s not until the presents have started piling up and the lounge is almost filled with people that it occurs to Dean what a terrible idea it really is.

The book almost cost one-hundred and fifty bucks. It’s also a really personal gift – it’s obvious that whoever gave it to Cas is close to him or at least pays intense attention to every word he says. If Cas figures out it’s Dean who gave him that present, he’s gonna know.

By the time Becky Rosen enthusiastically announces that it’s time to open the presents, Dean’s worked himself into a state of near-panic. He barely remembers to pick up his own present, too preoccupied with watching Cas.

He stares in mute horror as Cas tears the wrapping paper off. Cas’ face lights in a smile as he sees the cover of the book but it drops slowly as he opens it, eyes going wide. Dean looks away just as Cas raises his head, no doubt looking around for the creep who got him the inappropriately expensive and personal gift.

Dean busies himself with opening his own present – a box of chocolates, the kind of thing a sane person would get their coworker for Secret Santa – and only glances Cas’ way once he’s sure enough time has passed. Cas is looking at the book again, frown on his face and thumb rubbing absentmindedly up its spine.

Dean knows right then that he can never let Cas know the gift was from him.

*

This is somewhat complicated by the fact that Cas is determined to find his Secret Santa before Christmas break.

“It’s such a lovely gift,” Cas tells Dean during lunch break. “I need to thank whoever gave it to me.”

Dean shrugs helplessly. “Don’t know what to tell you, Cas. That’s not the point of the game.”

“Are you sure you don’t know?” Cas’ eyes seek his out. Dean looks away out of instinct, flinching internally in the next moment. That was a textbook guilty move. “No guesses?”

By the table next to theirs, Garth turns around in his chair. “It has to be someone with money, right? That kind of gift has to be expensive.”

“Definitely over the twenty-dollar limit,” Tracy offers, because everyone is apparently past pretending that they’re not eavesdropping in Dean and Cas’ conversation. “So, someone who doesn’t think the rules apply to them?”

“What, everyone’s a detective now?” Dean mutters. He goes ignored.

“What about Principal Crowley?” Garth suggests.

Tracy frowns. “Did he even participate?”

“He did,” Garth says. “I got him. Bought him a nice tie with a picture of a pug on it.” He frowns. “He hasn’t worn it yet.”

“I don’t know,” Tracy says. “It doesn’t seem like him to be so generous. Besides, he’s got a thing for Dean.”

Dean huffs. “Watch it.”

“It’s not Crowley,” Cas says decisively. Then, for some terrible reason, he adds, “Is it?”

Tracy shrugs. “You could just ask him, dude.”

“Only way to make sure,” Garth agrees.

Dean doesn’t say anything, because he knows it doesn’t matter. Even if Cas does end up asking Crowley, all he’s gonna get out of it is narrowing his pool of suspects down by one.

*

Crowley takes the credit.

Dean’s not sure why he’s even surprised. This kind of douchebaggery is exactly up Crowley’s alley, of course he’d jump at the chance to make Dean’s life more difficult.

Because he knows. He knows that Dean likes Cas and that he would be the love-struck idiot who got Cas such an extravagant present.

Cas doesn’t seem too happy about it, which is even worse than if he actually acted grateful to Crowley.

“It was just about showing off.” Cas sounds so dejected and Dean is about two seconds away from tracking Crowley down and punching him in the face, boss or not. “I didn’t – I suppose I expected that whoever got me that book actually cared-”

He stops short, huffing out a small, bitter laughter, and now Dean wants to punch himself in the face. The present was supposed to make Cas feel better and now it’s done the exact opposite.

He reaches out a hesitant hand, patting Cas’ shoulder. “Hey, who cares, right? Just ‘cause Crowley’s a dick, that doesn’t mean you don’t got friends here.”

Cas gives him a smile, but it’s half-hearted at best. Dean feels like the worst kind of scum but there’s nothing to be done about it. Unless he wants to spill everything, which would probably just make Cas uncomfortable on top of everything else.

It’s better just to write this plan off as a failure and move on.

*

In the next few days, Cas doesn’t cheer up. If anything, he gets more and more depressed as the holidays approach. By the last day before break, he’s barely mustering up a smile for his students.

Logically, Dean knows it doesn’t all have to do with the Secret Santa situation. Mostly, it’s about Cas’ shitty family being their usual shitty selves.

Still, the Secret Santa thing probably doesn’t help.

Dean spends the better part of the day ignoring the guilt gnawing at his gut. He’s used enough to feeling like a piece of shit that he can mostly ignore it but even he has his limits.

His is reached at the end of the day. Dean’s stayed a little late, making sure that everything is wrapped up neatly before he goes on break, and by the time he gets out into the parking lot there’s only one other car left.

It’s Cas’, and it’s not empty.

Dean walks up to it slowly, crouching down when he reaches it to see Cas sitting in the driver’s seat, staring dejectedly ahead. The engine’s not even turned on, and it’s snowing, so Cas has to be freezing. Dean knocks on the window, and Cas startles.

“You okay?” Dean asks.

Cas takes his hands off the wheel, unbuckling his belt and getting out of the car. He slams the door shut with a lot more force than necessary.

“I’m fine,” he says at long last.

“Really? Sitting alone in your car in a darkened parking lot doesn’t look like fine to me.”

Cas ducks his head, his already red cheeks turning even redder. “I don’t want to go home,” he admits. “I don’t want to go to my empty apartment, knowing that I’ll be there alone this Christmas because I can’t handle facing my family, and because I can’t find anyone willing to tolerate me for more than three dates, let alone a proper relationship.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Dean blurts, before he can think better of it. At Cas’ hurt expression, he quickly amends, “I mean, the second half of that sentence. I can’t speak for whatever thing you have going on with your family though to me it sounds like they’re just being a bunch of dicks and you’re fully justified in wanting to avoid them.”

Cas’ lips twitch in a weak attempt at a smile. “It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“Maybe it is, but from where I’m standing they’re in the wrong here, not you.” Dean clears his throat, suddenly realizing how incensed he’s been getting. “Anyway, if you haven’t found anyone it’s just because you’re not looking in the right places. ‘Cause there’s plenty of people out there who want you, warts and all. Trust me.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Dean swallows. This is getting too close for comfort. “There’s someone out there for everyone, ain’t there?”

“I suppose so,” Cas says, but he doesn’t sound like he really believes it.

There’s a lot Dean could say here. Some more empty platitudes that don’t mean shit because Dean can’t be honest about how he feels. Assurance that he’ll be there for Cas as a friend, because that much he can at least do. More insults aimed at Cas’ family, even.

Instead, he says, “I was your Secret Santa, not Crowley.”

The confession sounds uncomfortably loud in the empty parking lot and especially in the deafening silence that immediately follows.

“You…” Cas finally says, but that’s all he gets out.

“Surprise,” Dean says, laughing shakily.

“But Crowley said…” Cas trails off. “Crowley lied?”

“It’s kind of what he does.”

“But I don’t- why?”

Dean shrugs. “It’s what he does.”

“Not him.” Cas levels Dean with a challenging look. “You. Why did you lie?”

This is it. Game over.

“’Cause if I told you the truth…” Dean swallows, ducking his head. He can’t do this while looking Cas in the face. “If I told you, you would’ve figured out everything. That’s not the kind of present you give to a coworker, or someone who’s just a friend. It’s the kind you give to someone you’re in love with.”

He heaves out a sigh as he finishes speaking. It feels like he just achieved something momentous and even though it’s gonna bite him in the ass, in the moment he feels nothing but relief.

Then Cas is kissing him.

Dean’s brain stutters to a stop, heart seizing in his chest. Cas’ lips feel cool and a little chapped, and his hand is cupping Dean’s cheek. It’s such a common fantasy of Dean’s that at first it doesn’t even register as real, but then the feel of Cas against him stubbornly persists, warm and solid in the cold evening breeze.

He’s just getting used to it when Cas pulls away. His hand remains, sliding down a little so it’s resting on the top of Dean’s chest. “I’m sorry, that was… extremely inappropriate.”

“It’s okay,” Dean says weakly. He licks his lips, chasing the taste of that kiss. “Way more than okay. Like, if you wanna do it again-”

He’s cut off by Cas’ lips. He remembers to actually kiss back this time, wrapping an arm around Cas’ waist to bring him closer. Their second kiss melts into their third and fourth, and soon enough they’re just making out in the parking lot, the world around them quiet aside from the distant sounds of traffic and snow slowly falling around them.

[canaryatlaw]

God I'm tired and I've only been up for 12 hours. Sigh. I'm so ready for this week to be over. Woke up at 12:10, got ready and then walked farther than normal to get on a different bus cuz I had to go to the gyno because I was running out of birth control and I haven't been there since last March when he first prescribed me birth control, lol. Do I got there and we just did a quick visit, though he made me promise to come back in March and get an annual exam done and a Pap smear and shit (I just didn't want to do it today cuz I'm busy and shit and Pap smears hurt like hell too) but he gave me some birth control so then I took another bus down to school and sat in the PAD office for a while writing this stupid motion for LARC that didn't wind up being as bad as I thought it would be mostly because it only had to be like 2 pages. It's funny, cuz according to LARC we have like a 2 page motion and then a long memo "in support" of it listed cases and shit whereas at my job in actual court(TM) I wrote a full 9 page motion with cases and everything in it, but who cares about real life right??? Sigh. But I finished that up then worked on editing my memo to put the final touches on it so I could turn it in tonight before leaving for mock trial tomorrow. I got it up to 3721 words, which is good enough for me (the word limit was 3750). I finished up the outline I was working on for arguing my real motion in court next week which is more or less an abbreviated version of the motion because what the fuck else am I supposed to argue???? My notes from LARC say oral arguments shouldn't be a regurgitation of the motion but like, that's my fucking argument with precedent and everything so there's really not much else I can do. I'm not too concerned though. Shortly after that I had to go to class, which was fine. We were still working on Strickland, the ineffective assistance of counsel case, but mostly just the notes around it. I semi-paid attention and semi just worked on the shit I still needed to finish up. At one point they were talking about funding for experts and my prof asked if anyone had ever seen a shaken baby case so I raised my hand and spoke about the case I'd seen yesterday, even though it's not fully what she was asking because she meant a criminal case, but it was close enough for these purposes. And yeah, we ended around 7:45 and after I went to print the final versions of my mock trial stuff and stick them in our trial box so I'd have everything with me, then headed home. Louis was outside the train station again, and he asked if I had any cash on me and I only had $20s, but I said what the hell and gave him one, if only because I'd run into like 6 homeless people today and felt sad that I had to say no each time because I didn't have any food/singles/fives. Walked the rest of the way home and watched Arrow, which was a decent episode I suppose. I thought it was kind of weird that they had Liza join the girl villain squad when she like really wasn't a super villain type, like I feel like there are a lot of other characters that would've been better to bring back, but I guess they wanted to tie in the plot with Quentin or whatever. Oliver's outrage at Thea was seriously laughable, like really buddy you have no right to say anything when this damn reporter was definitely out to get you anyway. Stupid. The whole police trying to arrest the green arrow for the death of detective guy thing was stupid and I've been saying this since that scene happened, but Oliver's DNA is ALLLLLLLL OVER THOSE ARROWS he left in detective guy and we know his DNA is in the system from the many times he's been arrested so there is 100% no way the police wouldn't know that Oliver is the green arrow and the person who did it. Also, lol, I was cracking up when reporter chick asked him if he was green arrow and he was like "and you immediately jumped to the most absurd conclusion?" Like, Oliver, really buddy, two years ago you fucking confessed to being the green arrow in front of the whole fucking city, and only got out of it because Roy tried to take the fall for you but then got "killed" but HEY the green arrow's still here!!!! Like I've said many times before, there's no way there's anyone left in star city with half a brain (I could end the sentence there) that doesn't know that Oliver is the green arrow. Period. As far as Prometheus, my only observation is it would be a great plot twist if Prometheus is actually the mother of the guy they think is Prometheus, lol. And yeah, that's about all my thoughts on the episode. While watching it and somewhat after I made final edits on my memo and motion so I could send them in. I emailed a copy to my prof like I was supposed to, then tried to turn them in on safe assign through lexis which is a new thing they're having us do only for the website to be like lol nope we're not gonna let you do this so I had to send another email to my prof telling her that. It's probably an easy fix, but I'm kind of annoyed I can't just be totally done with the assignment and just focus on mock trial for the next few days. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon enough. After that I packed up my shit and just generally got ready to leave in the morning, then got ready for bed and here we are. Tomorrow we go to DC and I'm really just ready for this all to be over, but hopefully maybe I can enjoy some of it too (that would be nice) and not just feel insanely stressed out the whole time. That'd be nice. Sigh. Guess we'll have to wait and see. Until then I'd like to get some sleep though, I can get almost 9 hours hopefully if I can fall asleep quickly, though I doubt that'll be enough given how I've been lately. Sigh. See you in the morning then. Goodnight peeps. Have a lovely Thursday.