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onwardintolight · 5 years ago

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Han x Leia, ESB, Trip to Bespin, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Summary: ESB from Leia's POV. A journey from despair to hope, a blossoming, an opening to vulnerability and love.

Warnings: Deals with some heavy themes, incl. working through trauma, depression, self-harm, attempted sexual assault. Each chapter will be individually warned.

Note: I’m currently in the process of reposting the first nine chapters here in full, since when I first wrote this fic, I only shared links to the chapters on AO3 and FFN. I will try to post at least weekly. In the meantime, if you’d prefer to binge-read it, the entire fic is posted in full on AO3 and FFN.

Part: Masterlist | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Epilogue

~~~

Warnings for Chapter 24: Brief reference to the torture and attempted sexual assault that occurred in Chapter 19

Author’s note from 1/2020: An important disclaimer: As I wrote this fic, I strove to make it canon-compliant—at least compliant with the canon that existed at the time. Now that I'm posting this, however, a few things have changed; notably, we've seen the release of the first issue of the new line of Star Wars comics set after ESB. While I haven't had a chance to read it yet, I'm pretty sure it diverges from what I've written in my final two chapters, and I have no desire to change any of what I've written to fit it. I know most of you don't even care about canon—this IS fanfiction after all—but I just wanted to give you and all future readers a heads up anyway!

One last thing: Several of you have asked me if I'm planning on writing a Leia-focused fic like this one about ROTJ. First of all, I'm super flattered that you'd like more! Tbh though I don't really see myself writing it as another big multichapter; however, I would really like to do a few shorter fics about it. So keep an eye out for those! That being said, things can always change. If I discover that there's an arc I really want to tell through the whole story, I may find myself in over my head again ;)

~~~

The Kaliida Nebula was about six hours away, not counting the brief stops they’d have to make every few hours to switch hyperlanes. Lando had once again joined Chewbacca at the Falcon’s helm; they had both insisted in no uncertain terms that Luke and Leia get some rest, promising they’d comm if they needed anything. She was tired enough not to argue.

Immediately after the jump to hyperspace, Luke had sat frozen, staring out the viewport into the whirling star tunnels. He’d glanced at her when she offered him a hand, looking for all the universe as if she were his only tether away from the maw. Silently, he’d let her help him back to the crew quarters, and once more she shakily attached the fluids line and pulled a blanket over him.

He was gazing up at her again, now, eyes wide and hollow. “Leia,” he whispered.

Tenderly, she brushed the hair from his forehead and reached down to clasp his remaining hand, squeezing it. She perched on the edge of his bunk. “I’m here,” she said softly. “You’re safe now.” Slowly, his eyelids began to flutter, and he drifted off into a fitful sleep.

She sat there for a long time, weariness bleeding into her bones, listening as his breathing grew deeper. Finally, when she was fairly certain her movement would not wake him, she slipped her hand carefully out of his, turned out the light, and walked over to her bunk, curling up on top of it without bothering to remove the blanket.

The pillow smelled like Han.

She thought of him laying there next to her, his fingers tangled in her hair. She thought of the hungry kisses she had never wanted to end. She thought of easy laughter and healing tears, of potent words and new openings.

She thought of the bed on Cloud City, and how they’d never have the chance now to find out if she’d regret it. She thought of his rending screams, of coils and needles and agonizing pain. Of Captain Orffa’s leers, her ripped shirt, his broken neck as he lay on the other side of the room. Of Vader’s hated mask, cold and merciless. Of throbbing rage. Of helpless grief.

Of finally saying “I love you.” Of the one she loved, turned to stone and torn away.

All the emotions she’d been trying to hold at bay rushed in. Her defenses crumpled, and the first tears came in like a flood, violent and inevitable. Burying her face in the pillow to muffle the sound, she wept, her body shaking with sobs. She wept until every breath came as a gasp; until she could no longer imagine what it was to not be weeping. She wept for Han, and for Alderaan, and for every loss in between. For a galaxy full of loss, cracked all the way through with the cruelty of it.

Long after her tears ran dry, she lay there, face still buried in the pillow—Han’s pillow—breathing in the scent of him. She wasn’t ready to let him go.

She wouldn’t let him go.

She would find him, somehow.

Slowly, exhaustion crept up on her, disarming her resistance just as her tears had done earlier. She gave into it with a mild sense of relief, letting her eyes close.

I don’t regret it, she thought as she began to drift off. Sleepy astonishment at the realization gave way to the certainty that she had always known this, somehow, despite her fears. I don’t regret loving him. Not one bit. As much as this hurt—and oh, how it hurt—she would gladly love him and lose him again.

Then sleep took her, carrying her far away into blessed nothingness.

~~~

She was woken up what felt like minutes later by the chime of her comm.

Lando’s voice was on the other end. “We’ve stopped at Terminus,” he said. “We need you up here to watch for Imperials while we search the ship for homing beacons. We’ve got her pretty well hidden behind a moon, but it’s a race against time until they find us.”

Trying to keep any bitterness out of her voice, she gave her consent and stumbled groggily toward the cockpit. Lando gave her a look when she arrived—she must have looked like hell, with red-rimmed eyes and smeared makeup—but to his credit he didn’t say anything, only giving her a nod on the way out. Chewie was already gone. She moved to sit in the co-pilot’s seat, but changed her mind halfway there, instead opting for the captain’s. Curling her legs beneath her, she leaned back into it, smelling its faded leather and a hint of old cologne. She scanned the starfield carefully, glancing at the sensor displays afterward for any signs she might have missed. There was nothing; only stars. On the other side of the moon, she knew, the sky would be filled with ships of all kinds. Terminus was a busy world; she hoped that, as such, it would distract the Empire long enough that they wouldn’t find the Falcon.

She shifted in her seat, anxious. Finding the homing beacon would likely take Chewie and Lando awhile—they had to suit up to examine the hull, after all—but she wished they would hurry and be done with it. Normally, this would have been made a much easier exercise by simply scanning the hull via the ship’s sensors, but the Empire had certainly disabled that function. Or rather, they probably just hadn’t bothered to fix it—it was, after all, one of the sensor systems that had been damaged during their escape from Hoth.

The minutes ticked by. Fifteen minutes passed, then half an hour. A light freighter moved into view. She stiffened, then relaxed again as it jumped to hyperspace moments later.

Forty-five minutes. Her eyelids drooped; she pinched her arm to stay awake.

Finally, she heard the door open behind her, and Chewie came in with a roar. «We found it,» he said. He was triumphant, but his voice was laced with sorrow. She knew enough of him now to hear it. She caught his gaze, and he sat down next to her. For a minute, they looked out on the emptiness together. «You should go back to bed, Little Princess,» he finally said, his voice gentle.

“You sure you don’t need sleep?” she whispered.

«I will,» he said, «but I have strength left to spare, and I was not hurt as badly as you. Go sleep.» She nodded and got up just as Lando came through the door. She didn’t look at him as they exchanged places. Hazily, she walked back to the crew quarters, fell in her bunk, and was once more lost in unconsciousness.

~~~

Leia’s eyes flickered open. How long had her comm been beeping? Yawning, she sat up, flipping on the light over her bunk, and froze as all the memories of the previous day flooded back in. The deep ache in her chest nearly knocked her over, and she fought off the urge to lay back down and forget everything again.

Luke. She had to make sure he was okay. She glanced over towards the other side of the room; there he lay, as still as a stone. Alarmed, she leapt out of bed and lurched over to check on him. His chest rose and fell, and she sighed in relief. He was in a deep sleep. That was good.

Feeling her heartbeat calm again, she sat back down on her bunk and answered her comlink. “Yes?” she croaked, her voice hoarse.

“Just wanted to let you know we’ve arrived at the Kaliida Nebula,” said Lando. “Whenever you’re able, I’ll let you take over and see if you can reach that contact of yours. Could use a little shut-eye myself.”

“Of course,” she said curtly. “I’ll be right there.”

When she arrived, Chewie was once again nowhere in sight. She felt a pang in her chest, thinking of his grief. At least, she thought, he was getting some sleep, too.

Lando nodded awkwardly to her as they switched places again and left without a word. For a minute, she stared at the glowing pink clouds outside the viewport. She knew he’d be just a comm away, but still, she was nervous. The nebula could be perilous. From time to time, it was home to migrating neebray mantas, which could do some serious damage to ships. Moreover, if the Empire had somehow found out about this checkpoint—

She felt her throat constricting and her heart pounding, and she stopped the thought short. Yes, the Empire had caught up with them a few too many times recently—she had good reason to be fearful of that. But she should be wary, not paranoid. This was the best chance they had to make contact with the Alliance. Straightening, she set a Rebel-coded message to broadcast at intervals to the surrounding parts of the nebula, then she took the Falcon on a leisurely tour through the cloud tunnels.

An hour later, she had a reply. It was also in Alliance code, and it gave her coordinates to meet nearby. She tensed. The Empire could have cracked that code since she was gone, they could have found out about this location, they could have—

She forced herself to breathe slowly. “Chewie,” she said into the comlink, “I’m making contact. I may need backup if it’s not who I think it is.”

The Wookiee yawned, but he didn’t hesitate. «I’m coming,» he said.

Soon both he and Lando joined her again in the cockpit. She felt bad that they’d only had an hour of sleep, but she supposed there was nothing to be done.

Well, mostly bad. She didn’t feel all that bad about Lando. As far as she was concerned, he could suffer. He sat behind her, keeping watch as she and Chewie maneuvered the ship to the meeting point.

Finally, the clouds in front of them parted, revealing an X-wing.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” the pilot whooped upon seeing their ship. “I was starting to think I’d never see that hunk of junk again! Is the princess there?”

Leia breathed a sigh of relief. “Hi, Wedge,” she said, transmitting the codes to confirm it was her.

“Good to hear your voice, Princess,” he said. “High command’s been going out of their minds. They figured if you survived, you’d make your way here. Lucky you found me now; they were beginning to think it was a lost cause. We probably wouldn’t have been patrolling out here much longer.”

“Thanks for waiting,” she said.

“Where’s ol’ Han?”

All the words seemed to dry up in her mouth, and she sat silent for a moment. “He’s gone,” she said finally, her voice quiet. Chewie let out a mournful wail.

She heard Wedge exhale. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice full of genuine grief. “Sending you the jump coordinates now.”

Within a few minutes, they’d left the bright clouds of the Kaliida Nebula behind and were headed home. It wasn’t truly home, of course—Home was Alderaan, and that was gone forever. These days, though, the Alliance had become the only home she could claim to have. But whatever familiarity it offered, it would be empty without Han.

“Hey,” Lando said from behind her, startling her. She didn’t turn around. “Chewie ’n I have been talking and…” he faltered for a moment, then he went on. “…We’re gonna find Han and bring him back. We’ll leave for Tatooine as soon as we can get fueled and ready.”

She leaned back in her seat. “You got a plan?”

Chewie responded. «We have some ideas, yes, but we wanted to talk with you and Luke and hear yours, too.»

Leia nodded slowly. “We’ll discuss it when we get there, after the briefings. I don’t want to put too much strain on Luke before then. He doesn’t even know what happened yet.”

“Sure thing,” said Lando.

She clenched her teeth to avoid telling him to shut up. Instead, she shifted her focus outside, watching the whirlwind starlight.

Somewhere out there, Han was trapped, but alive. And somehow, they would find him and bring him home.

A warmth grew inside her chest; the fire of hope.

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blackcoffeeandteardrops · 6 years ago

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Brave Face (2/2)

That’s right, nerds. I elected to follow my heart (and also peer pressure) and write a follow up to a recent post Endgame fic. Essentially, Tony is alive via a workaround and they begin to cope with that. Below the cut & on AO3:

A day passes, and then another. For the most part, everyone leaves them alone, as if an invisible layer stands between them and the outside world. Pepper's not stupid, she knows there's an army of reporters, salivating for that first shot of them in this new world, this new reality they've been thrust into. Happy visits, telling her there's been a billboard put up in Times Square, some sort of thank you, not that Tony's alive anymore to see it. She smiles politely, tossing away the remnants of their dinner, & shuffles him out the door. They'll be fine, she and Morgan. They have to be.

Truthfully, it's Morgan that's keeping her going. It's Morgan that wakes her up with pleas for waffles for breakfast or pizza for dinner, asking to eat on the couch and watch movies, even though they have rules about eating at the table. Pepper almost thinks her little girl is milking it, seeing how much she can get away with, but then she watches as Morgan's gaze drifts over to the corner where they've carefully tucked Tony's helmet away, and her heart lurches in her chest. Milking it or not, there's no way she's letting Morgan go without. Eventually, their routine will have to return to some semblance of normal, whatever that might look like. When Pepper goes to bed that night, watching as Morgan sleeps soundly at her side, she's not even sure what normal means anymore.

They're in the front yard the next morning when it happens. A feeling of cabin fever had settled over them both, and so Pepper suggests they play outside. Morgan's content for a while, first kicking a ball back and forth and then trying to jump and catch bubbles as Pepper blows them, but then something behind Pepper catches Morgan’s eye. She stops, mid step with eyes widened, and her mouth drops open like a fish.

Fear claws its way up Pepper's throat and she spins, afraid to see what's behind her, wholly unprepared for what she sees. "Tony? I…" she pauses, and this time she's the one whose mouth hangs agape. He smiles, eyes watery, and it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, but when Morgan starts to run towards him, she holds an arm out, forcing her to stop. "Morgan, honey, remember what I said about being safe?"

"Yeah, but that was about strangers. Daddy's not a stranger," Morgan replies, as if it couldn't be anymore obvious. Still, she clings tightly to Pepper's side, like she can't quite believe it herself.

"I probably should've called. Maybe warned you. But it's important for you to know that I came as soon as I could," Tony says, intending it as an explanation, though he knows full well she'll want more than that.

Pepper shifts her focus between Tony and Morgan, pretending she can't feel her pulse hammering in her throat. Before she lets Morgan anywhere near him, she needs to be sure. She leans down, eyes at her daughter's level, and points in the direction of her makeshift tent. "Can you give me and your father just a minute? I need--" she stops, blinking back hot tears as she glances back at him, still not certain he's real. "We need to make sure he's okay first. Alright?"

Morgan nods, lip pulled between her teeth, before running off and doing as asked.

"Pepper--" Tony says, cautiously taking a step closer, stopping when he sees her launch an arm out and watching in awe as the armor he'd crafted for her what feels like a lifetime before latches itself onto her outstretched limb. "It takes a titan threatening to destroy life on this planet as we know it for you to like a present I make you, hmm?"

Pepper shakes her head, her chest growing tight as she slowly takes a step back from him. "Who are you? What do you want?"

"I suppose I should've expected that," Tony replies with a sigh. "It turns out Rogers is good for something. He found me, an older version of himself anyhow, about two weeks ago. At least that's when I think it was. Time, it's a little--" he holds his hand out, wobbling it for effect. "He had something he called a Pym particle. He gave me a suit, and he told me what to do. And he told me what would happen if I didn't. Look, I know it sounds crazy," he continues, stepping so close her outstretched hand nearly brushes his chest, risking potentially getting blasted by her to make his point clear. "It's me. I swear."

"I watched you die, Tony. I watched as the life faded from your eyes and as the arc reactor light went out, so do not toy with me. I swear to you, if this isn't real? If this is some kind of...game, or…" Pepper stops, her voice trembling. In the periphery, she sees Morgan poking her head out from the tent.

Tony notices, too. He points, waving a little when Morgan looks at him. He pretends it doesn't hurt when she quickly ducks back inside the tent, apparently spooked. "We were in the park jogging. I told you I had a dream that we had a kid, that it seemed so real. Not long after, Stephen Strange appeared and said he needed my help. It was the last time I saw you until after I came back from space. A few weeks later, you'd told me my dream was right. Only, as it turns out, it wasn't a boy. It was a girl. Our little girl," he says, eyes welling with tears. He gestured to the tent, tightening his jaw, desperate to reassure her. "Ask me anything. I'm serious. We named her after your uncle, even though you thought maybe it was weird. You're allergic to strawberries, but somehow she's not, and so you risk anaphylactic shock to give her the birthday cake that happens to be her favorite. I...I once have you a giant bunny, and--"

Pepper lowers her arm, the armor clanking to the ground below them as she rushes to him, enveloping him in a hug, clinging as tight as she possibly can. "Tell me this is real, Tony," she whispers, tears soaking through to his skin.

"It's real," he replies, hands running down her back, touching as much of her as he can. “Hey, Pep,” he continues, his voice hoarse. His legs are like jello, but he makes himself wrap his arms around her, tethering her to him like a vice grip. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t. Not now,” Pepper replies, pulling back just enough to get a look at his face. She traces a thumb across his face, trying to make sense of being able to touch him at all. “You’re okay?”

He winces, the adrenaline rolling off of him in waves. “Debatable,” he replies with a shrug. “But the rumors of my death have once again been greatly exaggerated. In a manner of speaking.”

“That’s not funny,” she warns him, though she can’t help the smile that quickly spreads on her lips. “I’m still not sure I understand. But you’re here, and that’s what matters.”

“I’ll explain as best I can. But, uh, can I--” he clears his throat, cocking his head in the direction of Morgan’s tent. As much as he wants to spend his time back--it still sounds strange to him to say that, his mind hasn’t entirely wrapped around the idea--with Pepper, he’s also eager to see his little girl. He kneels in front of the tent, waiting patiently. “Morguna,” he calls, waiting patiently. To him, it’s been a matter of hours since he’s seen her, but for her it’s been days. Days no doubt filled with a sadness and confusion no child her age should ever have to experience. He knew she’d be confused, but he wanted to try his best and do things at the pace she was comfortable. “Well, it’s a shame...I guess I’ll have to eat the juice pops that I’m sure are in the freezer all by myself.”

“You can’t do that,” Morgan replies, rushing out. “You’ll get a tummy ache.”

Tony tries not to laugh at the serious expression on her face. “How about a hug and then we can go share some then, hmm?”

They go inside, sharing the juice pops and talking about what it’s been like, the world’s population being returned to what it was before the snap. Pepper freezes, gripping the back of the couch for support. “Will you...will it affect--” she stops, shaking her head. Having him back is everything she’s ever wanted, but she hasn’t had the chance to consider if there might be some kind of ripple effect as a result of their playing with fate.

“No, it won’t,” he replies. They settle into their day, tip toeing around more serious conversation, not because it doesn’t need to happen, but because Morgan is there and there’s only so much of it that she can understand. Once she’s safely tucked in and has been read at least half a dozen stories, she dozes off, and Tony returns to the living room watching as Pepper pretends to read. He nudges the book, waiting until she sets it aside to speak. “You really are okay, right?”

“I mean, it’s not every day that my husband comes back from the dead or time travels from a time when he wasn’t to rectify his death, but that’s kind of par for the course with you, isn’t it?” she says, cocking her head to the side. She laces her fingers through his and pulls his hand into her lap, afraid to ask the question that’s been on her mind from the moment she saw him. “Tony, how long is this going to last? The particle that Steve gave you, it allowed you to travel here, but for how long?”

“It’s for good. I’m here for the long haul, Potts,” he says, knocking on his head, as if she needed more proof he was physically there. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

“That’s definitely fine by me,” Pepper replies, kissing him like it’s one of the most important things she’s ever done. When their lips part, she rests her forehead against his, desperate to keep touching him for as long as possible. She sniffs, blinking back tears, wanting so badly to get used to it after the days she’d spent without his warmth next to her.

“I can feel you thinking,” Tony says, pulling back from her enough to catch her gaze. “What is it?”

“I was just thinking that as nice as this is, we’re probably going to have to tell people eventually. Or risk Morgan accidentally doing that for us,” Pepper replies with a shrug.

Tony nods, knowing she’s right. “Not everybody, not yet,” he says, eager to keep the world at bay. “Peter, Rhodey, and Happy. We’ll call them here in the morning. Everyone else can wait.”

“You’re sure you don’t want them to find out tonight? You know they’d love to see you. You’d have to explain, but--”

He lightly presses a finger to her lips, resolutely shaking his head. “They’ll have a million questions, I’ll have to explain everything. And I will. But tonight is just for us.”

“I can live with that,” Pepper replies, tugging on his hand and urging him to stand up.

Tony obliges, following her lead to their room. Walking through their home shouldn’t feel strange, and it doesn’t, not entirely. Still, he can only imagine the hell she’s gone through, thinking him dead. There’s a part of him that is sad he doesn’t have the memory of seeing her fly into fight Thanos in her armor, but he wouldn’t trade laying next to her in their bed with Morgan sleeping soundly down the hall for anything else in the world. He loops an arm around her waist, pulling her close, watching as she closes her eyes in contentment, only to open them a moment later. “I told you, Pep. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Pepper replies, reaching a fingertip out and ghosting it across his brow. She bites back tears and breathes in deep, trying not to think of the version of him she watched die after defeating Thanos. This is her Tony, living and breathing and warm. She’s not sure her brain has fully wrapped around the fact time travel is real in the first place, let alone how it played a role in bringing the love of her life back to her, but she’s not going to second guess the gift they’ve been given. She presses her lips to his, slowly at first and then increasingly more desperate, hungry to remain in contact with him as long as she can. “I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and discover this has all been a dream, right?”

“Not a chance,” Tony replies, shaking his head. He shifts, sensing a lump against the mattress, and reaches underneath the blanket to retrieve a stuffed bear. He laughs, but it’s with a tightness in his chest. Of course Morgan had been there to keep Pepper company. “Shall we take bets as to whether or not she’ll worm her way into our bed tonight?”

“I’m almost surprised she’s not in here yet,” Pepper replies, burrowing further into her pillow. As much as she wants to keep looking at him, sleep threatens to overpower her. The faces of their friends filter through her mind, the ones who’d helped shoulder her grief when she’d believed Tony was lost to them, and she knows they deserve to know that he’s found his way back to them, safe and sound. Still, a selfish need begs her to keep everyone else, even those friends they hold dear, away, keeping him to herself for as long as she can. Surely, she thinks, she’s owed at least that. “We’ll tell them tomorrow?” she asks, her hand snaking out to find his, intent on linking them together, even during sleep.

Tony nods, resolute. He’d watched as Peter disintegrated into ash right before his eyes, so he was ready to wrap his arms around the kid again. He was. Still, he gave Pepper’s hand a squeeze, watching as sleep began to claim her, waiting for it to take him as well. Before long, he was sure Morgan would insist on joining them, eager for more time with him. He missed the kid, missed the others, but he knew that for now they could wait. “Yeah,” he says, pushing the hair from Pepper’s face. “Tomorrow.”

#pepperony #tony stark #pepper potts #fanfic #post endgame #au i guess #BUT IT'S REAL IN MY HEART

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naruhearts · 7 years ago

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13x20: “I don’t care what happens to me”-- Dean Worthless Winchester, John Winchester’s Death and Destiel

Oh my god!

I gotta say, 13x20 was an ANGSTY FEELSY amalgamation of meta and foreshadowing for the Big Finale Triad of 21, 22, and 23. It laid down S5 tones, key themes, and narrative direction, hoo boy!!!

I’m sorry I posted late! Time-of-month sickness was an interruption, yikes.

I’d like to start with the Dean & Sam final scene, then talk about the major culminating implications this Father-centric episode specifically holds for our beloved protagonist Dean Winchester the shackled child — the Man behind the Mask (which S13 has been a gigantic narrative mirror of) — and the Destiel narrative/Cas in relation to Dean’s arc and character disposition *rubs hands together*

Glynn & Co made Dean’s axel-swinging between communication and miscommunication pretty clear to me in the last scene of 13x20, especially regarding the dialogue that people thought was character regression into Brodependency.

After sleeping on it, I didn’t see the same scale of toxic codependency from seasons ago a la ‘there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you.’ It wasn’t mutual. I saw it as: 1. more from Sam’s end, and 2. Dean’s willingness to protect his loved ones (Sam and CAS, in bold) combined with letting go and the textual acknowledgement of his low self-worth carrying over from 13x05 (the low self-worth he internalized across 99.6798% of his life course).

Firstly, Dabb’s subverting S5.

He put independent Dean in S5 independent Sam’s shoes here, and it’s surely not a coincidence that Dean himself referenced their implosive S5 Michael-Lucifer mess: “Where we were last time we had front row seats”. S5 exhibited Dean’s Holding On vs Sam’s Letting Go, with lost Dean crawling to Lisa’s door and yeah, we know how that prickly-edged story went. It’s finally Dean Letting Go vs Sam Holding On. It’s indicative of S13 faithless Grieving!Sam re: Mary/Jack seeking his own emancipation and finding real introspective purpose away from the codependent strings he’s clinging to. We heard Sam’s “If we die, we die together”. Don’t fret, his current arc is constructed to get rid of this kind of thinking and move towards Faith!

Dean’s prepared to cut the codependent strings — already has via 12x22, and then in 13x05 (albeit in a suicidal grief-ridden manner. Speaking of, 13x20 this time shifted focus to Sam’s risk-taking re: Lucifer and the Apocalypse in itself. Unsurprisingly, we already witnessed this narrative train running in reverse -- early S13 Grieving!Dean and Functioning Sam swapped roles post-13x06 and in 13x11. Man, I am pumpin’ my fists).

Atop the bro dualism, Dean’s behaviour in 13x20 concerned me the most, saddened me the most, and intrigued me the most.

:’(

I may have yelled said that Dean has emotionally matured, eliminated toxic coping mechanisms, achieved an internal balance between his femininity and non-performative masculinity (acknowledged in 13x04; actively manifested in 13x16 onwards x, x), and gained a sense of non-combative communication and understanding (seen in 13x14), yet his low self-worth constitutes the biggest roadblock to his FULL personal growth.

Okay, I know you’ll exclaim: after Cas returned, Dean wasn’t depressed anymore!

Well, that’s accurate and relatively inaccurate. Dean’s low self-worth is the central facet of his characteristic development, and it does have a guaranteed correlation with depression. Yes, you can feel worthless without being clinically depressed, but worthlessness is maladaptive and contributes to feeling depressed --> Dean’s depression.

Dean’s case is a heartbreaking one. He’s been depressed for YEARS. He never really cared about what happened to him for YEARS = our Dean meta textualized in gloomy letters!!

Yes, the single individual -- the canon WIN -- that placed him back on the rails was Cas, his Everything, resurrecting from the dead. Cas’ return drastically mitigated Dean’s severe nihilistic depression (aka his rock bottom nihilistic grief when he lost Cas) BUT it didn’t necessarily fix his pre-existing depression.

S13 depicts Dean -- despite Cas’ bright presence -- as traveling the rails empty. There’s not enough coal to fuel his engine because he LACKS the mental faculties to appropriately cope re: trauma and give up his control. This is why he seems to oscillate between character progression and regression, and he still isn’t 100% HONEST and OPEN about his feelings. He’s keepin’ it in. There’s no healthy psychological unload taking place.

Case in point? Dean’s regressed to drinking the hard booze again; Cas FILLS the negative spaces (as he’s been doing throughout S13). Dean is not disclosing the whole truth -- not saying what he’s genuinely feeling (to CAS. I discuss it x, x, x).

Plus, Dean’s internal worries re: Death, the next apocalyptic war, Cas’ Heavenly plans, and his respective destiny/fate (Death’s “See you soon”) just exacerbate the personal instability he’s experiencing.

And then we observe Dean’s parental duty rearing its head:

To me this is what reiterated the Brodependency being dismantled in late S12/S13 (12x22 and 13x12/15 in particular). Don’t get me wrong – Dean’s mostly let go. He was willing to leave Sam behind in 13x05 after losing the one person who textually means Everything to him.

Dean’s psyche is at a point right now where he AIN’T okay with Sam’s risk-taking. He questions his little brother’s half-baked plans and sympathizes with the close-to-here manic desperation (again, mirroring S5 and S13 Grieving!Dean), except Dean’s low self-worth puts him in the dark position: I’m doing it, all of it, for YOU (Sam and Cas) since I don’t value myself enough to do it for ME. He further says--

He obviously does, but us, the audience, know--in dramatic irony fashion--that this is NOT Dean’s entire truth.

He values his brother more than himself, and he values CAS more than himself. He cares about what happens to CAS. Nothing Else Matters. And we’re aware that Cas canonically occupies the highest pedestal in Dean’s life, which TPTB absolutely highlighted during Dean’s grieving arc, Cas’ return, and 13x16 onwards.

(In this scene, Dean continues to tell Sam what he’s NOT telling Cas. USE THE RIGHT WORDS.)

Cas is the love of Dean’s life, his Everything, and his Win. I mentioned before that losing Cas a second time would destroy him.

(**Dating 101: Dean therefore cannot establish a truly healthy, mutually interdependent relationship with Cas if he has low self-worth. He’s trying, but his personal losses -- more LOSSES than wins this season i.e. AU!Charlie/Mary/Jack in AU, non-confronted traumas i.e. Cas’ death, and insecurities cripple his ability to give Cas ALL of himself, out in the open!)

Although Dean HAS FAITH (Cas), the decisions he’ll formulate to protect/save Sam, Mary, Jack, and especially Cas aren’t exactly derived from mental stability. Keeping them safe is too paramount to Dean that the choices he’ll encounter could be questionable/dangerous, putting him in the line of (sacrificial) fire.

Sound familiar? It’s deliberately supposed to sound familiar!

Jack, TFW’s Unity/Balance symbol and characteristic mirror, even stated that ‘if he can’t keep others safe, what’s the use’?

Dean will make the penultimate save-the-world (read: save my family) decision ALONE regardless of Sam’s regressive wish to die together. And I wrote that his arc is now DIRECTLY paralleling S11 Casifer & Depressed!Cas’ S11/12 arc, especially (mis)communicative 12x19 --> 12x23 ‘I Have Faith’ Cas. There’s prevalent narrative symmetry in Dean’s arc (intrinsically linked to Cas’ arc).

“You, me, and Sam...we’re just better together” indeed, and this year’s season-ender should unite TFW like last season--unite Dean and Cas--in order to change their fates/defeat Death, but Dean’s decision will be an isolated one --> one that was foreshadowed as he faced expositional Daddy Issues™ Loki by himself. And Dean may not tell Cas, just like Cas hadn’t told Dean in 12x23 about his sacrificial act.

These vastly important storytelling threads ultimately conjoin with “I don’t care what happens to me. I never really have” as the PINNACLE of Dean’s 13-year long characterization; the progressive climax sparking his death/decay so that he can be reborn and revitalized aka THIS IS IT!! Dean’s impending death and self-sacrifice for his loved ones (CAS) = the ultimate catharsis in that S13′s narrative has finally approached the IRL scenario of 13x16 ghost kid (DEAN)’s release from father figure Bad Man -- from the negative influence of all the other literal (Loki, Odin, Lucifer, James Turner) and metaphorical (Asmodeus, Buddy, Michael) fatherly mirrors permeating this season. He’ll LET GO of everything that incarcerated him since he was 4 years old: his Blunt Tool role, control, manipulation, parental abuse and absenteeism, parental duty, the heteronormative patriarchy, and the long-standing trauma slapped on him by Alastair, Amara, and Cain.

He’ll burn the remaining pocket knife of all pocket knives tethering him to his past -- John Winchester x, x He’ll self-transform.

And Dean’s S13 death would fulfill the sacrificial Act of True Love (with Cas holding heavy weight in Dean’s decision for LOVE)--

--and S14 Winning Him Back in the subverted flavour of S10. Romance tropes abound!!

@thetwistedwillow and @sactownbrowns3 both ignited my stomach-churning feels. This is an extremely pivotal visual. The Michael-reminiscent sword and radiant halo-like lights atop Dean’s head? Yeah, set off HUGE Michael!Dean radars. Complete moral dualism with S10 Demon!Dean--selflessness vs selfishness. Free choice (saying yes to possession) vs stolen choice (demon transformation against his will).

Secondly, as aforementioned, Dean’s harbouring a LOT of traumas he hasn’t mentally confronted, with Daddy Issues™ re: John Winchester (reflected via Dean’s solo faceoff with Loki) as his overarching undealt source of trauma.

Loki tells Dean: “The truth is, [Odin] despised me, but he was my father. I’m sure you understand. What would you do for your father?”

And Dean stabs Loki’s hologram. He stabs the metaphorical father figure who neglected his sons. He stabs another narrative embodiment of John’s ghost, foreshadowing that Dean’s death = John Winchester’s final death. It’s time to deconstruct and conquer his influence.

(Gabriel was an extended mirror of both Dean and Sam, too. Gabe, the little brother whom deadbeat Daddy Chuck never paid attention to. ‘Ah, big bros, right? Always think they know best’ Gabe, who stabbed and killed deadbeat Loki. Gabe, who subsequently ran away from home, was used and tortured beneath Asmodeus’ control, embarked on a revenge trip, and didn’t feel good about it. Dean and Sam themselves knew what it felt like to be manipulated. While it’s true that their traumatic experiences are subjective, they share common Deadbeat Father-adjacent life courses.)

What beautiful and consistent silent storytelling!!

And oh look, narratively associated to this ^^ is the reappearance of Dean’s John-linked BAG OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE--

I can’t can’t can’t wait for him to let go of it PERMANENTLY!

And of course, Cas’ death remains his immediate significant source of undealt trauma (same links above: x, x, x)

*looks at Dean’s serious, intense, and emotionally laden expression* *clutches chest tight* *blinks away tears*

I additionally wrote something about Endverse!Cas and D/C (mis)communication a few months ago which I feel is relevant again:

And we know HUMAN Endverse!Cas was representative of that, a sad, depressed, and hollow depiction of the wrong choices for the right reasons who festers (AND DIES), in part because of Dean’s wrong choices, and also because of his own consciously uninformed, narrow-minded choices that led to this literal apocalypse of mind, body and soul.

5x04 laid down what Cas (and Dean) shouldn’t become. If both Cas and Dean (TFW) continue to fail in learning their lessons regarding healthy interdependence (where control must become equality; ignorance must become understanding; intransigence must become compromise; stonewalling must become transparency; lying must become honesty; silence must become communication), Endverse will be their life.

Thankfully, they’re learning as of S13 onwards and I’m ECSTATIC. Slow but sure progress (13x15′s conveying the shift), yet they still have to use the RIGHT WORDS.

Endverse!Dean, who never gave up his control to Cas nor listened to him, was himself consumed by the NEED over the WANT and an authoritarian means to an end. He lost everyone. And Endverse posed an ultimatum for Dean (and Cas’ own characteristic progress): keep your control forever, and you’ll have one destination–no growth, no life, no freedom.

Full circle!

Dean Winchester must die so he can live.

And what are Dean’s WINS (plural) by dying? Saving people instead of losing people--saving Mary, Jack, Sam, and Cas. Saving the world. Reuniting his family unit. Interacting instead of performing. OUTING INSTEAD OF HIDING. HIGH DEPRESSIONLESS SELF-WORTH INSTEAD OF LOW DEPRESSIVE SELF-WORTH.

Better yet, Dean will undergo character development in relation to his loved ones (and Cas). With high self-worth, Dean’s capable of learning how to value HIMSELF independently. In turn, without personal obstacles he’ll learn how to sustain HEALTHY interdependent relationships and COMMUNICATION as well as learn how to WHOLLY GIVE HIMSELF to others (Cas).

Tell Cas he’s not expendable, Dean. Disclose the real reason YOU “needed him back”. Expose your feelings, choose Want over Need, and push away your rejection fears! Cas loves you dearly—let him know that his love for you is reciprocated. Nothing but good things ahead!!

Gosh, this post is way longer than I expected—thank youu for sticking to it! Circumstances shall get worse before they get better, and it’s totally necessary to ensure our characters meet the final demise of their prisons.

BTW, I still can’t believe we got a borderline blatant onscreen bi!Dean (and Cas insert) treat!! What’s by is by! Overall I’m incessantly praising Dabb’s spectacular work so far + Glynn and Rich Speight Jr’s craft in this ep!!

Very little sub is left in the text, my friends. TPTB are rendering years’ worth of meta increasingly explicit in S13. I can only HOPE and expect that 13x23/S14 brings us past the Point of Know Return subtextual boundaries and into full-blown textual narrative! Authorial intent EXISTS.

**I know, I know--S14 wasn’t confirmed as the last season and S15 is fair game. The plot accordion, as per usual, re-emerges with the slight overhaul/pullback of characteristic arcs and narrative plot due to season renewals, but I’m Endgame Positive that slow progress is SURE progress. Imho Dean and Cas are so close in saying everything from saying nothing. THE UNSAID WILL BE SAID.

Bracing myself for the last 3 episodes—they’ll burn us in awesome ways!!

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azworkingdogs · 8 years ago

Text

“SPEAK to Me!” Teaching Your Dog to Bark (And Be Quiet) on Command

Alright, you might be thinking “I DON’T want my dog to speak or bark”, but what if I told you that was THE BEST way to get your dog to stop barking and to be quiet?

I have said it before and I will say it again, having control of your dog’s mouth is the absolutely best way to be in control of barking and quiet behavior.

Some people just want to teach their dogs to bark, or speak on command, to help the dog communicate when they want to go outside.

And, some also like to use this as a cute trick.

I use this command for multiple reasons!

One of which is having people respect mine and my dog’s space.

In today’s day and age, people often do bad things to other people. I don’t want people too close to my vehicle or myself. Or perhaps I don’t like the way someone is looking at me at the park.

My dog can bark on command and on hand signal.

I don’t need my dog to bite or even bark AT someone; because, after all, who in their right mind is going to bother someone with a barking dog?

NO ONE

Avoiding Negative Demanding Behavior

Having been a dog trainer for over 20 years I have expectations of how I want my dogs to treat me.

I don’t want my dog barking in my face, demanding for me to throw his ball or fill his bowl.

I find demand barking to be extremely irritating and it is something I want to avoid at all cost.

After all, I want my dog to bark WHEN I WANT HIM TO, not whenever he desires something.

While flipping through the internet, I came across an article that essentially wants its clients to hide a treat behind their back to encourage the dog to bark.

That is THE LAST way I want my dog to learn to bark.

I don’t want him barking at me while I am at the table, eating an ice cream cone, or enjoying a hot dog at the summer BBQ.

I want him to learn under very specific conditions that will rarely be experienced outside of dog training.

When I Don’t Mind

I don’t mind if while running through her tricks, my dog tries barking to see if it will earn her a reward, but I expect her to be quiet on command and when she realizes that it does not bring the reward.

My dog LOVES to TRY barking. We nicknamed her “Mouth of the South” when we lived in GA because she loves to bark.

But she quickly quiets on command or stops when it doesn’t bring the reward she desires. Appropriate dog training is essential!

It is crucial, in my opinion, not to reward a dog every time he decides to bark on his own.

Otherwise you will experience your dog’s mouth and barking far more often than you could ever desire.

And, no one likes constant barking!

If You Want to Teach Your Dog to Bark on Command, Click Here

How to Attain BARK on Command

What You’ll Need

A well-fitting doggy harness (please don’t use your dog’s collar)

A tree or post

A long line 10 feet or longer

A dog toy, that your dog loves, on a string (I personally like a dog toy tied to a horse crop/whip because it’s bouncy)

A clicker

…possibly high value treats

Getting Started

Tie your dog’s favorite toy to the string or horse whip.

Get your dog fitted in his harness so it is fairly tight (we don’t want him sneaking out).

Safely tie the long line to a strong tree or post and gently string the long line out so that you can see where it reaches.

Place the toys just outside of the reach of the long line (about 2 feet).

Take your dog out and clip him softly to the long line, making sure he has plenty of room to wander around.

Let him get used to being back tied by standing and walking within that 10 foot area where he is, click and reward him for calm behavior we don’t want any dog to panic when they realize they are back tied.

Walk your dog to the end of the line. The last thing we want is for your dog to race to the end of the line and scare himself or flip himself.

Once your dog is acclimated, peacefully walk outside of your dog’s tethered area and take the whip or string and quietly begin zipping it back and forth just outside of your dog’s reach.

We want the dog to race back and forth at even pressure trying to snatch the toy.

As your dog gets frustrated, he is likely to vocalize his frustration.

If he whines or barks (I prefer barking), click and toss the toy into him so that he can grab it.

Keep a little bit of pressure on the toy and allow him to shake and prance around with his new treasure!

Once he drops the toy, snatch it back outside the perimeter and begin again.

If he doesn’t drop it quickly, just be patient, he will drop it eventually. Just be prepared.

When he barks, click and hastily toss him the toy. I prefer the toy to be the reward and not a treat. After all, building some toy drive can be great for your training regimen.

Continue this routine until he is barking regularly.

Now you may add your command or “cue”- BARK or SPEAK

Adding the cue too early, is ineffective and meaningless. Add the cue when they are performing the behavior so that they understand.

After a few repetitions with the cue added, you may begin adding the cue first to see if your dog will bark. When he does, reward him by letting him play with his toy.

Once he understands the cue, you may begin to fade the routine with the back tie and the toy. Eventually, you want to just be able to ask him to “bark” or “speak”, but remember to reward him when he does so on command!

Want To Learn How To More About Teaching Your Dog To Bark On Command?

Check out our Guest Manners class where we not only teach you how train your dog to be quiet, but how to put barking on command so that when you NEED your dog to bark, for safety, intimidation, or protection, you can just ask for it.

Click here to learn this “Guest Manners” training process

If You Want to Teach Your Dog to be Quiet on Command, Click Here

How to Attain QUIET on Command

Ironically, follow the same steps to teach your dog to bark!

What You’ll Need

A well-fitting doggy harness (please don’t use your dog’s collar)

A tree or post

A long line 10 feet or longer

A dog toy, that your dog loves, on a string (I personally like a dog toy tied to a horse crop/whip because it’s bouncy)

A clicker

…possibly high value treats

Getting Started

Tie your dog’s favorite toy to the string or horse whip.

Get your dog fitted in his harness so it is fairly tight (we don’t want him sneaking out).

Safely tie the long line to a strong tree or post and gently string the long line out so that you can see where it reaches.

Place the toys just outside of the reach of the long line (about 2 feet).

Take your dog out and clip him softly to the long line, making sure he has plenty of room to wander around.

Walk your dog to the end of the line. The last thing we want is for your dog to race to the end of the line and scare himself or flip himself.

Once your dog is acclimated, peacefully walk outside of your dog’s tethered area and take the whip or string and quietly begin zipping it back and forth just outside of your dog’s reach.

We want the dog to race back and forth at even pressure, trying to snatch the toy.

As your dog gets frustrated, he is likely to vocalize his frustration.

If he whines or barks (I prefer barking), click and toss the toy into him so that he can grab it.

Keep a little bit of pressure on the toy and allow him to shake and prance around with his new treasure!

Once he drops the toy, snatch it back outside the perimeter and begin again.

If he doesn’t drop it quickly, just be patient, he will drop it eventually. Just be prepared.

When he barks, click and hastily toss him the toy. I prefer the toy to be the reward and not a treat. After all, building some toy drive can be great for your training regimen.

Continue this routine until he is barking regularly.

Now you may add your command or “cue”- BARK or SPEAK

Adding the cue too early, is ineffective and meaningless. Add the cue when they are performing the behavior so that they understand.

After a few repetitions with the cue added, you may begin adding the cue first to see if your dog will bark. When he does, reward him by letting him play with his toy.

Once you have taught your dog to bark, you can then teach him to be quiet.

It is very difficult for a dog to understand “quiet” without understanding “bark”, and when you think about it from his perspective, it makes sense!

With your dog tied out and probably barking (for reward, because this is what we have taught him), just stand there and wait.

When he is QUIET click and reward by tossing him the toy or a jackpot treat.

After all, the dog will bark for a bit, but when he is confused as to why you aren’t giving him his reward, he will pause.

It is critical to click and reward this behavior.

He will likely try barking again.

Wait him out, click and reward when he is quiet.

As with before, wait until he is consistently barking and being quiet; this shows he understands what you want and you may begin adding the “Quiet” cue.

Play this game fairly often.

You may ask for bark (don’t reward often if quiet is what you will regularly seek), then jackpot with a massive reward.

Eventually, (if you want to eradicate the bark) you will stop asking for the “bark” altogether and you will only reward the quiet.

Remember to reward generously!

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