#like genuinely this stream has been crazy im crying

[mcytegg]

the narrative desires this man carnally

[poppinlovemp4]

what are your thoughts on each nct member

im crying there are 22 of you here thats fewer people than nct. who's sending me this. anyway im bored so ill answer... really long obviously there are so many guys

i dont have any thoughts on the wish members ive never streamed idk any of their names and i'll keep it that way bless their hearts. or not idk

jisung: idgaffff his dancing is overhyped and he's charmless to me and i hate deepvoice rappers forever

chenle: probably nicest voice in dream but that's a really low bar. dont really have other thoughts. i've heard he cares a lot about basketball which can either be charming or offputting i dont know enough about him to say

yangyang: thats OOMF top 3 in ncity to me <3 i really did not care about him all when i was first entering weishenville sorry for my anti-kpop rapper bias but he's soooo fun to watch onstage. imo the only one other than ten obviously who's got a good handle on #It. and he has the cutest smile ever probably. and i like him :-)

jaemin: idgaf i literally cannot think of a single thing to say here

haechan: seems like an unsavoury bloke from what i've seen of his scandals and i hate his voice so so so badly like when i first listened to 127 on purpose i had to pause and look up a lyric video to see whose voice i hated so much. good performer though

jeno: least fave nct member and i dont like many of them. disband

renjun: hope he's feeling better these days. no further thoughts

hendery: thats OOMF but kind of less than the rest of wayv sorry.. he's like one of the only idols ever i think is genuinely funny the way he speaks and acts is so 😭 i really dont know how he comes up with any of it. was sincerely baffled when i found out he wasnt wasian

xiaojun: he's all right

mark: ive literally never been impressed by any performance ive seen from him idk WHERE people get the all rounder genius idol thing from it's not showing #ToMe!!! the originator of many fave reaction images though so he's okay in my book

jungwoo: idgaf. wait no back when djj was announced people kept comparing him to xiumin in cbx to justify his place there (as in 2 main vocals / guy who isn't a main vocal) and he is not xiumin he could never dream of having my beautiful sister's charisma uniqueness nerve or talent! other than that idgaf

winwin: saw the news today hope he heals all righttt and it's nothing too serious... as an idol he brings nothing to the table except cuteness and that's not very important to me so i hope his career in cn thrives bless

jaehyun: tbh when nct first debuted i hated him so badly for literally no reason like his face just made me so mad. and look at us now <3 he is my entire 127 tag. i liked his debut so i'll continue following his solo career and he's also funny to me but i can't say that without feeling like jaehyun tote bag tweet

ten: thats OOMF another top 3 member <3 he's EVERYTHINGGGG imo the only nct member who's like absolutely a star & built to be a soloist.. i cannot wait for his second albummm i love his vision he is so so so so insanely talented it boggles the mind. and also so cool... i rarely think idols are cool but he is so cool

doyoung: he's a crazy ass hater with an evil spirit but i kind of fuck with it idk if i had to pick a second fave 127 member it would probably be him he's funny to watch. i streamed from little wave a few times also

kun: thats OOMF every time he's mentioned that he was the one who pushed for a certain song/production choice (new ride being in gmt, the strings at the end of omy) it's been one of my favourite parts of whatever the final product is so i really appreciate that. ten's kinda right about him he's so old but it's really charming to me

yuta: idrgaf. i thought his solo debut was interesting ill be giving his future stuff exactly one stream and perhaps more if the execution improves

taeyong: i think it's so funny how everyone buys the cutesy act he started going hard on immediately after his bullying scandal came out😭 loved his work on baby don't stop & call d. hated his work on everything else. every time his verse on rv's cover of be natural comes on i take a moment to curse him out

johnny: from chicago and yet so deeply charmless he gives this beautiful city a bad name. disband

[godza]

my favorite underrated vocaloid songs once again with commentary. i dont know how underrated things actually are bc i dont interact with the vocaloid community but yknow how it is

the goat. i have never seen anybody talk about this song ever. the mv has so little views and half the streams on spotify are probably me. the songs about an abused child begging to be loved so beware if you search the mv or lyrics up.

i just realized both these songs were by tohru-ch. they make good songs! another underrated classic. the mv is sick if you manage to find it. this producer is a rin master in my opinion. this song is about how bad capitalism is and the vocals are amazing. nandemo nandemo nandemo. the desperation they managed to infuse into rins voice is so impressive and the guitar is impressive. ive been listening to this song since a very young age like ten. why was i listening to this at ten. piano goes crazy as well

i owe this one to the ex mutual who made a playlist for my fanfic and eventually blocked me. thank you for this absolute banger. i forget what the lyrics to this one mean and the mv isnt much its just kinda green stuff. goes exceptionally hard i cant tell whos singing but its still fantastic. i love the guitar that kinda sounds like rubber bands strapped to cardboard. that sounds weird but listen youll see.

i dont think this ones actually underrated since pinas pretty popular (rats died is too famous for me to put on here even though its a masterpiece). when i saw melissa covered it i died and ascended to heaven. the mv is fantastical and dizzying, and the song is perfectly melancholic. i really like the ooo singing in the background. i have had this song on repeat for an excessively long period. im very surprised it wasnt in my wrapped top five. saa saa saa saa saa saa

yummy music. it makes me do the dance of the sidestep in that one gif with ariel and other things. the wind instrument in it is really nice an the guitar is kicking. i just love rin and len i think. why are these all rin. except weeny idk who sings weeny. woukdnt be surprised if it was rin

i wouldnt call powapowas music underrated but this song has made me cry many a time. i prefer the version i found on soundcloud it has more of a miku sound but this song makes me want to get a lobotomy. young girl a is also a good one but no way is that underrated

HOLY SHIT its on spotify. god i need a dance break but i cant. ow i bobbed my head so hard it hurt. one of my faves of all time god its so good. i love you gumi. YOU NO SAY I LOVE!!!!!!!! i dont know how to express my thoughts further it just bangs so fucking hard. just as a btw it speeds up at the end which can be scary so heads up

i dont think this one is actually underrated im going by no metrics this list is just my opinion. it may not be underrated but it slaps and i played it on loop when i was in seventh grade and playing overwatch. not the best gaming music it just makes you really sad

banger. i love teto soooo much. somewhat peppy until you read the lyrics but even still its a tad melancholic. be warned the bleeps in the song are rlly loud lol. get this in project sekai so ome of those trainwrecks can sing it

probably not underrated it seems too well produced for that. i like the laughs at the beginning. i cant remember where but i laid on the floor for a long time listening to this song

ok thats all the bangers on my playlists ive never heard talked about often. i have others but sometimes i can genuinely not tell if its a vocaloid or a human. its an issue

[miintsprigz]

Ohio RTC live-blogging

I watched the Saturday stream, and I documented my thoughts because hyperfixation goes brrrr

HEADS UP

there was a lot of ableism in the chat (I do discuss what it entails below so you’ve been warned) so I was distracted at the end of the stream

-Karnak’s frantic tone during the accident + freeze frame moment, very cool

-them holding up the prizes

-Constance’s mumbled “sorry”

-post-possession Noel and Mischa stuff is so good (the o.e face and shoulder shake)

-I don’t like Ricky’s disability being stolen again, but I do like the fact that they’re happy that he’s happy, seems to be “bro”ing it up with Mischa a bit, I do love that

-JANE! (OVERANALYZES LIKE CRAZY) The way she tips her head a lot like it doesn’t fit her body comfortably. She sounds so timid…awww, honey…she moves a bit like her body is off-balance from the new head, I love the details

-I see evidence of platonic (at least) spacedolls already. Ricky waved at Jane!!!

-BREASTMILK CHEESE SANDWICH EATING BLEGH

-even in the “ocean’s life” segment Jane’s movements are just a BIT off. I think it’s cool when the Jane is taller in the cast, makes me think of a Barbie/pos

Poor gal seems real uncomfy in those lenses tho, can’t blame her

-all of the cast looks like they’re having the time of their life

-Mischa’s mannerisms are already cracking me up

-I am appreciating Noel very much in this production tbh, very sharp-tongued and excellent emoting in the face

-Jane’s delivery of That One Line (I hear it gives you an—)

-despite the small theatre and tech limits because of that, they really do well getting the point across with the props

-gosh props to Noel that change takes too long even in the main show, but he works it

-RICKY’S LIL SHIMMY IN THE BEGINNING OF NOEL’S LAMENT AND HE SEEMS TO ACTUALLY BE PLAYING ACCORDION!!!

-CAN ALL MISCHAS EVERYWHERE STOP BEING SO PRETTY, RESPECTFULLY!!

-THAT NOIR FILM IN THE BACK, I LOVE!

-ngl I’m in love with this Ricky

-these dances are so fun!

-not a ton of Nischa in here with the end of the lament but—

-Constance’s “w h y” after the F word joke

-B O N S O I R

-them adding improv in ESGAL is a bit silly, but oh, RuPaul ref. That blindsided me lol

-RICKY AND JANE ARE GROOVING TO MISCHA’S INTRO TOGETHER AWWWW THEYRE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!

-they seem to be sort of un-possessed in TSIA, and Mischa seems a bit more friendly in this production so I think that fits decently

-RICKY HAS A LOW RANGE HEYYYY (Debby Ryans)

-I love how they try to make it like he can’t remember his rap—or can he actually not remember? Either way they played it off like it was on purpose and I appreciate that

-interesting how Jane’s a stand-in for Talia, cuz she could be anyone, she’s a blank body sorta

-I love the dances so so much, how they seem to be fencing Mischa in, and HE SINGS SO WELL, they did their best with the projector and got it across

-The way he just SITS DOWN AWWWW HON HE LOOKS SO SAD

-NOEL AND MISCHA HUG? NOEL AND MISCHA HUG!!!! AWWWWW IM CRYIN they seem so genuine about that whole part! person I’ve tagged said they noticed Mischa is audibly crying for quite a bit, poor dear

-again, Mischa encourages Ricky, I appreciate this! They see the Ricky and Mischa friendship supremacy!!!

-Mischa and Jane acting like generally strange parents and tHE FAKE ACTION SCENES which I genuinely think should have been in the original

-the implication that zolar daydreams came from food poisoning, this poor lad, I know it’s not exclusive to this version but dang

-this Ricky is just very captivating, I think this is a part that takes a lot of…uhhh, chutzpah, to play

-(sees Jane being a very passionate kitty) … (adds to spacedolls evidence folder)

-hehe I love that Mischa is Count Dogula

-also that black hole sound frequency reference made me so happy (“68 octaves below the middle C”)

-this Mischa has ADHD imo and I live for it

-AW JANE HAS SUCH A TINY MEMORY BOX. …big enough for a head. Cruel.

-they really worked with what they had for the background on Jane’s song. The way she blends into the scenery fits. That’s what she’s been doing this whole show. Also her trying so hard to grab her memory box and it’s always out of reach ;A;

-HER VOICE IS EXCELLENT this is impressing me in a bigger way than I thought it would

-the shadows moving!!! the way she can kind of recall knowing them, but not enough to know their faces or names

-the circling with the lights does make me think she’s falling, and the fact that she’s holding an umbrella…and sounds like she’s crying at the end…she’s so alone dude, I care her

-that last note was like a final scream

-Noel and Jane interaction!!! something I never see!!! I love it!

-Ricky is so gentle with Jane ;-;

-THEYRE HAVING FUN!!! SO CUTE!!!

-(chat is ableist about someone either ticcing, stimming, or having a meltdown in the audience and distracts me)

-Sugarcloud was excellent sorry I was too busy being full of rage

-Piano go breaking noises

-“you will soar to great heights” o u c h

-THE GROUP HUG AND THE BACKWARDS ROLLERCOASTER SOUNDS

-AW CONSTANCE AND OCEAN AND RICKY AND NOEL SPINNING EACH OTHER

-MISCHA AND NOEL DANCING!

-THEYRE SO HAPPY

-ACAPELLA DREAM OF LIFE WITH GROUP HUG HITS REALLY DIFFERENTLY

Do I have criticism? Uhhh well it wasn’t perfect but hey, from what I saw they didn’t have a ton to work with (nobody’s fault there) and they used their resources well.

I also constantly have to remind myself of the fact that this show has a cast of at most eight people acting, and it makes sense that it’s difficult to remember all of your lines, and the fact that everybody has a solo song!!!

I dream of some day playing an alto Jane, although I doubt it will ever happen, but I’m not sure I’m talented enough to do with this cast attempted

Also frick the people in chat who were being jerks about that audience member. git gud, Ricky would hate you you’re breaking the one rule

[justalads]

c!niki and c!wilbur enjoyers. pspspspspspsps

alright guys so last night i rewatched pretty much all of the pogtopia arc. and this isn’t meant to be a big, important analysis post (it’s kind of incomprehensible), because my brain is fried from, you know. rewatching pretty much all of pogtopia. but i do have some stuff i’d like to say.

(this also just became a niki meta sorry i love her. i really just got emo about her during the second half of this and it got long. i have a lot of feelings about her and wilbur’s friendship.)

it’s a pretty general conclusion that wilbur’s real “downfall” began on october 8th, during the stream “who are you go away”. of course, his spiral and the process of him losing faith had begun much earlier, more around the end of the first war or during the election. but the big switch, so to say, was definitely here, when as wilbur walks back from schlatt’s announcement, he asks tommy if they’re the bad guys.

this entire scene was so interesting to me. wilbur here is a man who has lost hope, someone who is backed into a corner morally and has nothing left. he points out that they can never really reclaim l’manburg without forever tainting it, and that schlatt knows this. the entire half an hour or so before, schlatt has been taunting wilbur about losing that power. the emphasis of the festival on “democracy” is so clearly a barb thrown at wilbur, and it works.

wilbur’s “nothing left to lose” in this vod is a mirror to niki’s “you know what they say about a woman who has nothing left to lose”. this will not be the first time they mirror each other.

basically, wilbur’s angry. when schlatt announced the festival, wilbur realized that maybe it wasn’t a terrible thing. so once he worked around into the mindset of “we’re the bad guys”, he was able to justify saying he was going to blow up the nation with no remorse. he wants chaos! he wants no survivors!

does he do it? god no.

during the streams leading up to november 16th, wilbur is consistently scared. he goes back and forth on it, and makes multiple “conditions” that determine whether he’s going to do it or not, almost begging someone to stop him. he whispers to himself that he’s scared, that his hands are shaking, that he’s not sure if it’s the right thing to do. because despite what he says about “not caring about any of them”, the instant niki is threatened after tubbo’s death, wilbur walks up to schlatt and tells him that if he’s going to kill anyone it should be him. later, when quackity and tommy talk him down from pressing the button, he can’t press it because they’re there and he can’t bring himself to kill them as well.

but he has no problems with putting his own life at risk. he refuses to wear armor half the time, and actively places himself in harm’s way to save others. he still cares about everyone else, as much as he says he doesn’t. even when he does cause harm to others, during november 16th, he immediately begs phil to kill him. “look, they all want you to.” he can’t live with what he’s done, and how he’s hurt people, but he couldn’t allow manburg to continue.

the man is terrified and angry and he can’t win. and even as he tries to stuff himself into the mind of someone who doesn’t care, he cannot. when he finally does, he cannot live with being that person.

but the reason i rewatched this arc was to see niki’s point of view, especially after her statements during her last stream. i genuinely think that wilbur’s only betrayal of her was pressing the button, because he betrayed everyone. they might have known he was going to do it, but they had faith he wouldn’t.

wilbur cared a lot about niki. her life under schlatt was awful, wilbur hated that she was suffering, and the scene where wilbur plants himself directly in the center of the festival and tells schlatt to kill him instead hits pretty hard. he has the argument with schlatt, and then turns to niki and tells her to run. he then hits people and sprints away, trying to give her time to escape.

this is also when he asks her to join pogtopia, because now that schlatt has said he’d kill her, it’s a safer place for her.

so the man did care about her. niki is angry at the memory of him that she has. it’s been twisted by time and her own grief and paranoia.

in rewatching pogtopia, i realized that a lot of people hate the memory of wilbur. not him, and what he did. they think he didn’t care. and to quote hamilton (apologies):

“history obliteratesit paints me in all my mistakes”

does niki have a right to be mad at him? absolutely. he caused direct harm to her by blowing up l’manburg, once it was reclaimed. but she’s wrong that he never cared.

(an interesting note: wilbur only blows it up after techno starts fighting people outside. he hears it, and says “look, they’re fighting”. he didn’t re-initiate the conflict of the country. the fact that even after peace was won people were fighting just gave evidence to his belief that the entire country was corrupted.)

niki has been hurt a lot, and wilbur has things to answer for. but we as the audience know that her statements are just her perception. she is a character who acts on perceptions. the entire stream was in black and white. during doomsday, upon seeing wilbur log on (as ghostbur), niki has a panic attack and destroys her bakery, trying to rid herself of the pain of the memories. her lines during this stream are chilling, whispered repetitions that are a mirror of wilbur’s end.

(paraphrased, it was long and confusing but there are a few bits and this was the essence of it)

“wilbur is gone. this isn’t happening. he is dead. l’manburg is gone.”“it is real, i am real, he is real and he is dead.”“l’manburg is gone, i am real, i am l’manburg”.

(god. dude i could spend Months analyzing this one stream alone. there’s so much here.)

doesn’t that sound a bit like “my unfinished symphony”? wilbur and niki both attach their own self to the nation they fought for, and can see it as an extension of themself. they both destroy parts of it in acts of fear, attempting to save everyone else from what they’ve made.

what i pulled away from niki’s stream is that she’s not healing. i remember the chamber she locks herself in at night. i remember her refusal to eat. i remember how she was so angry at tommy, and she later realized that anger was misguided. niki genuinely believes that wilbur did not care about her, and that’s not surprising: when he died, she denied the fact that he was gone. she represses the things that she can’t handle, same as lots of other people. it is easier for her to pin her hurt on wilbur, because she needs somewhere to pin it. people feel more in control if they’re angry, not sad.

the song cc!niki said was for her character really emphasizes this. it’s a coping mechanism.

but even condemning wilbur won’t help, because she will still never get closure. niki cares about what others think of her, and so she can’t move on from someone hurting her. she can’t move on because she thinks he hated her. she is angry that he is back, but it is an opportunity for her to heal. she couldn’t heal when he was gone. she’s not the only one with a negative perception of wilbur, after all. he has one too. the two of them really need to talk.

i want niki to be healthy and safe. i want to see her heal so badly, and i do think it will happen. after wilbur died, his betrayal of her stayed with her, and it eventually became her memory of the betrayal that she hated, not the thing itself. it’s been months since it happened. niki wants to find an outlet for her hurt, because she wants to feel better. there’s a pattern i noticed: she only gets mad at people once she hasn’t seen the person themself for a while. and once she sees them and talks to them, and realizes that they care about her and don’t want to hurt her, she stops blaming them for it. she only hates her perception of them. example one? tommy.

man was in exile for a long time, and when he came back he “brought” fighting. that’s how niki saw it. but the fact that after she spent time with tommy (trying to kill him but. details, details) she forgave him because she saw it wasn’t his fault is a really good sign.

i genuinely think that speaking to wilbur will help niki, and it will also help wilbur. after all, they both hate wilbur. the entire perception of wilbur as some heartless, crazy manipulator needs to be shattered for both of their sakes. they both buy into it.

i want niki to know that others care about her, and that she has places she can feel safe. she hates that wilbur is invading the syndicate, because she’s scared of his memory hurting her. i don’t think wilbur will hurt her on purpose, because even though he sees himself as awful, he doesn’t hate her. he never did. usually, with people who have hurt someone else, i want them as far away from the person they hurt as possible. if wilbur does hurt niki i’ll probably cry. but again, it’s not him that hated her, or really him that hurt her in the way she thinks he did. when wilbur was dead, niki didn’t get any better. her memory of him festered and made her feel worse. that’s also why niki killing wilbur or hurting him somehow wouldn’t help her heal. i want wilbur to explain that he didn’t hate her. is wilbur even close to self aware enough to help niki? nah. this is going to take a Long time, and it’s going to hurt.

last thing i swear lol

during niki’s stream, she says that wilbur manipulated her. again, i watched pogtopia last night, and i’ve watched the rest of season one recently as well. i genuinely don’t see it. but i do think i know why she said it.

during season one, wilbur doesn’t manipulate niki. he doesn’t have a chance to later, he’s dead. so then, what is she talking about? of course it’s a perception, same as a lot of her other claims. i think she’s talking about how she cared for l’manburg.

niki joined the server as wilbur’s friend, to join his nation. she grew to care for l’manburg. she devoted herself to it, same as he did. but doomsday showed us that she hates that. in niki’s eyes, l’manburg only brought pain for people, and because she ties herself to it, she hates that she ever cared about it. she can’t allow herself to care for it, because it was used to hurt. so how does she cope with knowing that she once did? she pretends she didn’t.

if she can convince herself that it was wilbur who convinced her to care about l’manburg, she can avoid blaming herself for her own pain. and yeah, she shouldn’t blame herself for it. it’s not her fault. the entire situation is tragic and a little hopeless and once again really makes me hope that she recovers. l’manburg was ruined for her by others. schlatt, techno, dream, wilbur. again another place where she and wilbur are similar: they convince themselves they never cared about l’manburg because of the hurt it caused.

to summarize: wilbur’s going to get a shock soon. don’t know when, but probably the prison visit. something is going to shake his perception, the story is hurtling towards that. once he is able to take responsibility for what he did, and feel safe (because a lot of what he does now is out of fear of being alone or useless), then he and niki need to talk. niki needs something to get her out of her own head. she’s spiraling too. they are essential to each other’s recovery because of how much they meant (and mean) to each other.

anyways i miss early season one niki i liked it when she was happy :(

~ Lad 2

[roseworth]

Only Fools Do What I Do

listen i know i said i wasnt going to make anything for today but i started thinking about this last night right before i fell asleep and i really wanted to make it :) 

word count: 2055

relationship: eugene/rapunzel

description: Right after Eugene "left" Rapunzel, they both need to come to terms with their separation and loss of hope. Rapunzel travels back to her tower, and Eugene is stuck in a prison cell. All they can do is think of each other and reflect on where they went wrong.

@autumn-ravenclaw @gleamful-lanterns for new dream appreciation week day 3- date (he calls the day they met a date so im counting it lol). 

title inspired by FOOLS by Troye Sivan

AO3

Rapunzel felt like an idiot.

Mother had told her that the world was cruel, yet she still had the nerve to be surprised. She should have known better. If she had never left her tower in the first place, she wouldn’t be hurting like this right now. It would have been better to just listen to what her Mother told her.

She could have given Eugene his satchel back as soon as she realized that he wasn’t after her hair. She could have even gone back on one of the many instances he tried to convince her to. She was stubborn and didn’t listen to anything but her own naive thoughts about the world.

And look where that got her.

She hadn’t slept all night. She and her Mother were traveling back to the tower after the disaster that was her trip outside. Mother had tried to tell her that he was just using her, but she refused to listen.

She realized she was still gripping tightly onto the small flag of the kingdom Eugene had bought her. She hid it away, making sure Mother wouldn’t see it and take it away from her. She just wanted one small reminder that it was real, that she really did leave her tower.

But was any of it real? Had he really been manipulating her that entire time?

The previous night at the campfire had felt genuine. She thought that they had truly connected. And they had spent the entire day in town together. That had easily been the best day of her life, and she knew she would keep that memory held in her heart forever. She just thought that he had felt the same way. Every time he had smiled at her and she felt her heart flutter, was that really all part of the ruse?

As she ran her thumb over the small piece of cloth she held in her hand, she tried to be angry at Eugene. Of course she should be mad. He had left her behind, and had told those ruffians about her hair. The memory of him sailing away, crown in hand, was burned into her mind. He had made her trust him just to betray that trust.

Mother told her that she shouldn’t have expected anything more from a conman, and maybe she was right. He never really cared about her, and he had sold her out at the first opportunity he got.

It just didn’t add up. He had the crown, she had given it to him. If that was all he was after, why tell the thugs about her hair? Did he really want to add salt to the wound that badly? Eugene wouldn’t do that. Or maybe he would. Apparently he had been lying to her the whole time, so she didn’t even know what he was really like.

Her mind wandered to their moment underneath the glow of the lanterns. 18 years of dreaming culminating into one perfect moment, and she spent it with him. She remembered everything he had said to her, and the way she felt alive, maybe for the first time, sitting near him and looking into his eyes.

She had misread the signals. Mother had told her time and time again that she was too naive to be in the world, and this was why. She had thought Eugene could really care about her, but it had all been a scam.

Just that thought made her eyes well up with tears. She tried to blink them away, but they were already quietly streaming down her face.

He never cared about her. All their time together had been a lie. Their time together at the campfire. Their day in town. Their almost-kiss under the lanterns. It had all been a part of his scheme to get the crown back.

Her Mother had stayed quiet their entire walk home. Rapunzel knew she was disappointed. Not only had she betrayed her Mother’s wishes, she had also forgotten everything Mother had ever told her about the world.

She tried to wipe away the tears that continued to fall down her face, but they wouldn’t stop. Every breath hurt to take. Every step felt like a mile. The grass she had been so excited to walk on now seemed like it was mocking her from under her feet.

The world was just as cruel as Mother had described, and she had fallen into its trap. She was stupid to believe she could be any different than what Mother had always told her she was.

When they finally arrived back at the tower, the sun was starting to peak up in the sky. Mother took a deep breath. “Here we are, safely home again!” she singsonged.

Home. The tower was the only home she had ever known, but it didn’t feel like home anymore. She had felt so at home with Eugene in just the span of a few days. Now that she was back at the tower, it felt distant and foreign. She couldn’t remember a time that she really felt happy inside the tower. At least not as happy as she had felt outside of it.

She took a shaky breath, wishing that she could stop crying. It felt like there was a hold in her chest as she remembered what the past few days had been. She was so happy. But none of it was real.

Her Mother groaned beside her. “Oh, please, Rapunzel, will you stop crying? It’s very unbecoming,” she berated. “Besides, you have no right to be upset. I told you what would happen, why are you surprised?”

Rapunzel sniffed and nodded, trying to brush away her tears yet again. “I’m sorry, Mother.”

Mother hummed in acceptance, then started leading her back towards the tower. “Come, come, My Flower, let’s get that dreadful braid out of your hair.”

-

Eugene felt like an idiot.

She was in danger right now, and it was all his fault. He should have known that the Stabbingtons wouldn’t be very accepting of his change in heart. If they hurt her, he was the reason why. She would have never gotten caught up in this mess if it weren’t for him.

He could have just thrown the satchel towards the Stabbingtons and left, not bothering to make conversation with them. Hell, he could have thrown the satchel into the water the second she tried to give it to him.

He should have at least told her where he was going. Now not only is she in danger, she thinks that he had given her up. Maybe he didn’t deserve for her to know the truth, though. No matter his intentions, it was his fault that she was at the hands of the Stabbingtons now. She had every right to hate him for that.

He hadn’t slept all night. Distantly, he realized his hand was stinging. He was pretty sure he had punched a wall in frustration earlier, but his mind was racing and everything that had happened since he had woken up tied to the boat was a blur. He had been pacing this tiny cell for hours trying to think of a solution. He couldn’t escape, not for lack of trying. He had wanted to pick the lock to get out and find her, but there were guards on every side of the corridor. He had no chance of getting out unseen.

He had even tried to talk to the guards and try to get them to let him go, but they refused to hear him. He honestly couldn’t blame them though. Saying that he needed to leave because the Stabbingtons had kidnapped a girl for her magic hair sounded a little bit crazy.

She didn’t deserve any of this. She was the best person he had ever met. She could light up the world just by smiling. She had just gotten to experience the world for the first time, and now she was going to be torn away from it. All because of him. 

There was no way for him to know where she was, or if she was okay. He hoped she was able to get away from the Stabbingtons, but he honestly doubted it. The Stabbingtons were not above hurting her to overpower her if she had something they wanted. And clearly, she did have something they wanted.

How did they even know? Were they following him the whole time? Maybe they had been there when she healed his hand and told him about her power. But if that was the case, why would they wait so long to reveal themselves? Surely it would have been easier to take them by surprise at the campsite.

Nothing was adding up, but his thoughts were too clouded to try to piece everything together. The only thing he could think about was the fact that Rapunzel was in danger and there was nothing he could do about it.

He wanted to take a breath, but his body wouldn’t let him. He just continued his nervous pacing back and forth as if that would help him come to a solution. He couldn’t stop imagining her, lost and hurt somewhere and wishing for some way out.

He hoped she was cursing his name right now. He hoped she was angry, wishing that she never met him. He hoped she hated him as much as he hated himself. Because he deserved for her to hate him, and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he thought that she didn’t hate him for everything he has done.

A lump started to build up in his throat. He tried to ignore it or swallow it away, but it was overwhelming all his senses. It had been years since he let himself cry, and he didn’t want to start now. But his face was heating up and the tears were making their way out.

All at once, it was like all the feelings he had kept at bay for all these years were flowing out of him. He cried because he was alone in this cell, he cried because she was in danger wherever she was, he cried because there was nothing he could do anymore. He had fucked up, and there was no turning back.

He tried to quell his sobs to no avail. The universe kept dealing out more blows, and his brain was screaming at him. Every decision he had made led to her getting taken by the Stabbingtons. If he hadn’t even started thieving 15 years ago, she would be safe and okay right now. It wasn’t fair that she was paying for his mistakes.

The tears rolled down his face and hit the dusty cell floor below him. His entire body was shaking, and all he wanted to do was scream and cry and curl up in a ball until everything was okay.

He couldn’t help her. He couldn’t do anything. He had been useless all his life, and the only good thing he had ever done was help her see the world outside that god awful tower, and even then she did most of that on her own. If anything, he had been a hindrance to her.

He furiously tried to rub his eyes to stop the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. Why couldn’t he have been better? Why didn’t he do more to stop the Stabbingtons?

One question had been running through his mind all night, and he had been chastising himself over and over. Why didn’t he kiss her when he got the chance?

That was the least of his worries, but the question was still haunting him. He would likely never get the chance again, and he had the opportunity to right there. It was the most simple mistake he made, and it might not have made a difference, but now he just has to live with the fact that he could have and he didn’t.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the door to his cell open. He turned to see the Captain standing in the doorway. “Let’s get this over with, Rider.”

“Where are we going?” he asked, though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. The Captain’s silence confirmed his suspicions. “Oh.”

[mrpenguinpants]

Alright, I finally read Reincarnation no Kaben

AFTER MONTHS (it’s probably been a month? My mind doesn’t keep track of the days) I FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO RNK. Ty to Okita anon for the recommendation (*￣3￣)╭💕💕💕 I absolutely loved it. 

After this I’ll start on the other recommendation you gave me. I kept a bit of a log of my reading journey under the read more tag. 

Major spoilers for literally everything in RNK up to ch 53 “Withdrawal”. 

Oh, and I’ll finish answering all my leftover asks and I SHOULD have a fic done by tomorrow. I was so ready to write and then I got up. Now I’m back to bed. 

I’m just gonna write this as a log since I read super super slow and I’m only on ch 7 at the start of writing this but I’m really liking it already. Though to be fair. I love everything okita anon recommends haha. I remember you saying you were simping over Kouu and I haven’t gotten to the part where he appears but I wanted to quickly google what he looked like to prepare myself and I see this:

Well. That’s reassuring. 

I was actually kinda surprised by how many western figures were in the manga since I know there are only like 7? Around 7 western figures that pop up in any anime/manga but seeing people like Albert Fish was kinda surprising but I really liked it. Also, at the end of certain chapters they write little bio’s on them so you get to know more about them was such a nice touch.  I also love that the tradition of making males -> females still stays strong even outside the fate universe hehe.

---

Literally, the next chapter I see him. AHHHHHHHHH. Well maybe not him but his eyeballs. 

This guy lowkey reminds me of the MC’s brother but it’s 99% because he has the same long ponytail. I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother was apart of the the Greats. Honestly, Ein reminds me of those really hard headed girls that are actually really kind on the inside but aren’t good at expressing themselves (maybe because that’s pretty much her character). I also like that Ein doesn’t like males but she’s hiding behind this guy. At least, I’m..99% sure this is Ein. 

I FUCKING KNEW IT. AS SOON AS I SAW HE GOT A THEIF TALENT I COULD FEEL THE SOLO LEVELING VIBES IN ME. HE CAN STEAL TALENTS I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I’m surprised that Neumann didn’t say anything and  Haito seems to be aware of it.  

Edit: Ah okay, I understand a bit now but it almost seems like Haito is the only one aware of Toya’s second talent.

Edit 2: Okay, as much as I love power hungry MC’s I’m really glad they didn’t make Toya into that. I am such a softie for sympathetic and kind MC’s like these even though it’s been done so many times. I’m really glad this didn’t feel like a rehash. I mean, some points some of the stuff Toya says it does but it’s fine, I don’t mind that. I actually gave a crap about him since I usually prefer the side characters (I UNDERSTAND ANON, I CARE ABOUT KOUU SO MUCH AHHHHH) but HAITO?? AHHHHH. 

---

I like that Izo always has the same hat in every adaptation he’s in lol. Istg, cats are always op. Schrodinger seems so strong and the parallel universes are my absolute shit. Sometimes I think, in one universe I did this and in this universe I’m not. Would I rather stay in this universe or be in the one where I am actually productive. Usually I pick the productive universe and actually work but sometimes I’m a bit of a slacker haha. I think this is my approach to a lot of things in life. But I digress, I don’t wanna get too deep into my life. 

I can sorta sympathize with the sinners. At least the ripper guy to say the least. I love love love unhinged characters that just want to basically destroy the world or at least have fun. But then you find out- wait they are actually sympathetic oh no. That’s how I felt about Djoser in “im the great priest imhotep” (please...i beg...someone read this...I’m so starved). 

As much as character development and rooting for the hero is cool and all, I just want to simp for the crazy “let’s burn the world to the ground” kinda character. I’m also so glad Toya doesn’t automatically become evil and try and steal everyone’s talents because he does seem like a good person and I really don’t see him suddenly switching fields so when he saved (I don’t remember names I’m sorry), the undead solider it was really nice. Proves that he still has his humanity and isn’t strictly relying on the branch of sin. 

It makes sense that he wants to steal talents since he never had one (and it was kinda out of left field when he killed Vlad and we just never addressed that ever again haha) but to see him actually consider his actions and if he actually want’s to steal his teammates talents feels right to me. Poor guy doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends so this is the first time he’s ever seemed to have companionship, aside from Haito, so I really hope he doesn’t attempt to steal their talents. I think I’m thinking of the slime? That time I got reincarnated as a slime manga/anime. Where he’s the pokemon catcher of skills. I thought that was where it was going. 

But I do kinda like how selfish Haito and Toya’s talent stealing relationship is (I mean, later it develops but my first draft of writing this I wasn’t there yet). I’m not sure if selfish or like self-gratitude/pride is the right word but it’s kind of a breath of fresh air. Rather than Haito trying to contain or “help” Toya’s inferiority she’s actually encouraging it and using her own talent for her own...acknowledgement? Er, yeah let’s go with that. 

---

This. This interaction. I love this. Like, genuinely love this. We need more of this. Two people from opposite sides finding some common ground and their fight to the death is less about morals or whose on whose side but for themselves. I love that. This is actually some wholesome stuff. 

Edit: AHHHHH CATCH MY UGLY CRYING IN THE BACK BECAUSE ALL THE “SINNERS” ARE ACTUALLY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IM DEAD. YOU’VE KILLED ME. 

---

I KNEW IT! YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THESE KIND OF PEOPLE!! I’m going to slap the whiteboard on this but if I see any “goofy” character I’m immediately sus of them. 

As much as I hate that Hitler is getting drawn as a small child I really like this. I know the whole, oh I killed your friends but I’m letting you go because you express humanity but I’m gonna finish my death with a sympathetic line, can be annoying to people but idk I really liked this. 

Honestly this and the undead soldiers death hit me hard ngl. This manga might not have my favourite art style during some points compared to like main stream manga but it has some really beautiful scenes. 

BOOM CALLED IT, though it’s pretty obvious lol. 

THE PONY TAIL NEVER LIES AND HES DA VINCI IT MAKES SENSE NOW

He looks so cute lol. I like that Seiya has the talent of being talented in everything while Toya has the talent to steal other talents. Seiya can probably only cap his power by his own physical/mental abilities with Toya can pull a solo leveling and go further beyond. Thinking of it like jack of trades vs master of none type deals. Though, I might be thinking too hard on this. I like that this man is actually humble but I really wish there was a tiny bit more to him since we only get this one interaction/backstory but the manga isn’t completed yet. I really hope we get to know about Seiya more;; like how he became da vinci or etc. 

Everytime I see Neumann I look at that comic sans type and it kills me on the inside. But I love that her eyes are 01 just, mwah perfection. These little details that aren’t that big but it’s soooo nice. I also ahem, unhinged character heart be still. It’s really nice reading manga in bursts because you can see the art progression and damn does she look good. 

tiny fang appreciation post. 

ngl i’M HARD SIMPING FOR THIS MAN. It’s the pony tail, I have such a thing for guys with long hair (and this is why genshin broke me) but man the art really picked up here. 

I didn’t get into it but OKITA ANON I GET IT. KOUU??? AHHHH. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE??? As much as his whole “war” was a bit questionable in the beginning and tbh I still don’t really get it I like that he knows he’s not the same as the other Greats but still tries to help the other “sinners” in a way only he knows. That’s why Seiya was so important;; I get that he wanted them to have a fun death and to be understood but idk, the whole war idea and having them kill each other (especially the Hitler fights because I understand the others since they reached some kind of acknowledgement) but nonetheless, what a great guy.

Nightingale gives me mad masaki vibes from chainsawman. I hate them and I can’t wait for you to fail, but the inner part of my is cheering for you because unhinged characters are my shit. I feel really bad for Neumann, I had suspicions she wasn’t actually like that since it’s sooo out of left field but I’m really glad the manga seems to know what it’s doing. I really wish we got more Kouu interactions with everyone tho. 

NOW THIS. THIS IS SOME WHOLESOME STUFF. I WANT THIS. I REALLY WANT SPIN-OFF OF REALLY SAD ANIME/MANGA/STORIES WHERE ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE HANG OUT. That’s how I’m feeling about JJK and the scroll segments or BSD WAN that just came out. IT’S SO WHOLESOME TO SEE EVERYONE NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. 

UGLY SOBBING IN THE CLUBBB AND KOUU AND CHARLOTTE AHHHH. I hate how this is phrased but the respect I have for Hitler?? YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS TO TYPE?? Kitazuka is cool tho, I really like him. Some god given talent. I’m hard simping over him but I really hope we get to know more about him later. 

Getting smug mona vibes, I love this. 

AHHH IVE NEVER FELT THIS UPSET OVER AN APPLEEEE. I’M ACTUALLY UPSET. IF HE DIES IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CRY MY HEART OUT. 

THE FAMOUS SLAP 

I’M SORRY WHA- SLENDERMAN?

Oh..wow. Okay, be still my heart. When I first saw her I thought she was really pretty but now I’m absolutely smitten. God damn, can I please have some more crumbs on these characters before they die;; 

AHHH SAME GIRL FUCKING SAME????? I adore these small panels and translator notes. It’s a real breather after the sad 3am hours talk these characters go through. 

Yagyuu. Jesus christ. WHY ARE ALL THE DEATH SCENES IN THIS MANGA ACTUALLY SO PRETTY AND STABS ME IN THE HEART??? that’s it. goodbye. im fucking out. im actually so upset rn. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME? 

---

In conclusion, and I should probably re-read what the characters say and not go off on memory because I’m about to get really deep. I really like how they phrased why they wanted to stop the branch of sin. That there are people just like Toya and Haito who, if they never found the branch of sin, could still probably lead respectable and okay lives. That there was a “them” in another universe that didn’t go down that road and that they want to be in the same universe as “them”. I know this sounds really confusing if you haven’t read the manga but going back to what I said about the parallel universe stuff. 

There was a universe where Toya and Haito didn’t rely on the branch of sin, that even without their talents from becoming a returner, they could still live a happy life given their own personalities and attitudes. It was kinda moving since in the beginning, Toya wanted a talent so badly and now that he has one. He’s realizing that wait, I don’t need a past life talent in order to live. Honestly, I hard relate to that because I totally agree with him. If you have a talent you can probably live a very happy and comfortable life that other factors wouldn’t matter if you just have that incredible talent. Thinking of it as a painter or artist, if you had actual god-given talent you wouldn’t need to worry about other factors since people would naturally seek that talent. So you end up comparing yourself to others and setting that limit on yourself. 

But that’s okay, it’s completely natural and I’m not saying it’s horrible if you do this. Fuck, I do this all the time. I’m not saying the manga is changing my life but it’s kind of refreshing that it get’s talked about since other adaptations of this just make the character super OP. I understand wanting to have that incredible talent, fuck who doesn’t? but you don’t need it in order to live earnestly in the bigger picture sense. Not everything you do has to be productive and honestly, learning to be okay with having fun is nice. Just being okay with who you are right now, even if it isn’t perfect in your eyes, you still have time to build upon yourself and your own talents but doing it for yourself. 

But I probably missed the point and I’m going way to deep haha. But I really enjoyed reading this and thank you once again to okita anon for the recommendation^^ I always love everything you send me and I’ll start reading the next one. If anyone else has any recommendations let me know! 

[stateofirrelevancy]

CALM First Listen Impressions

I’ve been doing these since SGFG and imma keep doing it till the day i die!!

Red Desert - OOF harmonies okay I see you !! Intro is hella soulful don’t tell me I’m about to cry ALREADY guys… okay that bass in the bg is thicccc and I’m living for it OOF AND THEN THE CHORUS HITS AND THOSE DRUMS BITCH THIS SONG IS SO GOOD ON JUST THE FIRST LISTEN Y’ALL AHHHHH and then that TRANSITION from chorus to second verse my mans ashton did not disappoint !! Guys I’m really feeling this song holy shit it’s so good. Bitch this RED in the bridge is rly TEASING ME like bitch KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!! Low key this song sounds like it’s 90% saying “red desert” over and over but I’m not complaining issa bop and a half !!! AHHH THAT ENDING AND THEY REALLY WENT TO A LOWER NOTE THAT WAS SO GOOD if that ain’t my fave song on the album i’ll be hella shook. Rating: 10/10 obviously

No Shame - I’ve liked this song since the very first time I heard it it’s actually such a bop. I can’t wait to drive around with this song blasting in my car. I LOVE when Luke says “Go on and plaAaAaAce me” it’s so pretty!!! Rating: 9/10 I just wish the bridge had something different I’m not a big fan of sos ALWAYS doing slowed down choruses for bridges and once you notice it it’s hard to stop lol

Old Me - I wasn’t a huge fan of this song the first time I heard it and genuinely didn’t think it’d grow on me AT ALL, but even after the second listen I really liked it, and I’ve really come to appreciate, like, the fan service message behind it? And that music video just made me love it more. The thing I didn’t like initially and still am not a huge fan of is how autotune-y the song sounds. I know everyone uses autotune, but imo it’s way too noticeable in the song to the point where it sounds a little unpleasant once you catch it. Rating: 8/10

Easier - Okay to be honest, I hate this song LMAO like one time I was crying in the shower while I was listening to my music on shuffle and this song came on and I literally stopped crying to change the song and then went back to crying daskjfkaljl Honestly the verses are really catchy and I like the prechorus but god I DETEST the chorus so fucking much it’s so fucking annoying and that’s low key like most of the song,,, I don’t even wanna finish the song but imma force myself to lmaooooo Rating: 3/10

Teeth - I love the bass at the beginning I’m such a slut for thicccc basses. I also like how crisp? Luke’s voice sound initially idk if that’s like a weird thing to say lol. I also hate the chorus here but not as much as Easier and the other parts of the song def make up for it. Rating: 6.5/10

Wildflower - This song was also like Old Me to me where I didn’t really love it at first but really liked it the second time. It’s definitely not gonna be a favorite of the album or a song I’m probs gonna remember forever but I bet it’s gonna be a BOP at concerts which is always appreciated. PLUS I love that Calum is singing he has a very unique voice I think. Also side note I justopened the livestream and it’s a hot mess lmaooo Ash rly fucking fucked up and needed to move it onto Cal lmaoo here I thought I was in sync with everyone smh. Rating: 7.5/10 with room to grow with more listens i’m assuming

Best Years - Anyways moving on from the livestream mess from these kids who don’t know technology,,, oof first impressions: sounds like same vibes as ghost of you?? I love the line “I’ll build a house out of the mess” or whatever. The part where he sings “best yeeaaarrs” is uhhh kinda weird? I thought that when Luke sang this on live but I thought it might sound better on the track but lmao nah I still think it sounds awkward tbh. But the verses are cute. Oof that instrumental was so long I legit stopped paying attention dafkdasjlk OOF OOF OOF THAT PART WHEN THE INSTRUMENTS KICKED IN okay I live for that. Song is kinda short so it gives me vibes of Lie To Me + Ghost Of You in terms of vibe (not lyrics). Rating: 6/10

Side note: I open the stream and they’re?? Just talking abt the album???? What happened to group listen lmaoo okay I guess gotta do everything in isolation around here smh

Not in the Same Way - woah okay start right away I guess !! “You say go I won’t leave” oof I don’t like that lyric cause a bitch has dealt with it and it’s terrible!! Omg when they said “NOT IN THE SAME WAY” in unison I legit live for the boys singing in unison okay OMG WE FUCK WE FIGHT AFDKAKLDJKL he really just gets more blatant every album w these swears huh fdskjkl OOF THAT DRUM BUILD UP SOUNDED SO GOOD Okay this is def a song to bop to live I can’t wait !! “I’m sick of sadness you’re sick of sadness” oof these lyrics bitch…. okay this song is kinda repetitive which is making me kinda tired BUT it’s not the worst thing and I like the parts that they’re repeating i guess LOL oh WOAH that “eh eh ehh” part is kinda interesting OMG IS THAT AN ORIGINAL BRIDGE/THIRD VERSE? From *MY* 5sos?????????? OKAY I SEE YOU,,, Okay the repetitiveness is kinda rly annoying now but it’s okay I still enjoy the song for now but can see myself maybe not listening to this song much later bc of it (Rating: 7/10)

Lover of Mine - Okay acoustic song of the album icu icu “Butterfly lies chase them away” interesting I like that  “dance around the living room” 👀 oof this pre-chorus is really good I’m such a slut for good prechoruses !! Luke’s voice sounds so soothing and smooth but the drums in the background in the second half are a little? Much? I don’t know maybe they’ll grow on me… I really like the lyrics of this song, I didn’t focus completely on everything but,, dare I say,,,, it might be some of their strongest writing yet??!? Omg I love love love these instrumentals near the end esp the piano sounds so beautiful and kind of reminded me of the interlude after San Francisco. Overall I think this song was honestly very beautiful. Rating: 8/10

Thin White Lies - more bass yessss it sounds so good,, are these lyrics about depression? Ehhh not feeling this chorus at all, too much going on and it’s just not a bop and that’s my only criteria for liking songs lmaoo. This song is giving me Empty Wallets + Babylon vibes kind of? Which isn’t rly my favorite vibe in songs tbh it’s just not for me, I don’t think it’s a bad song, though. “I don’t really like me anymore” :((((( mood Rating: 6/10

Lonely Heart - That one two three was so hot ngl,,, ANOTHER acoustic song?? Okay okay interesting. WOAH WHEN THEY CAME IN together god I love that and this OH OH OH part sooo catchy yesss okay also smth I’ve noticed 5sos doing a lot: quiet beginning (or quiet verses) and loud/bop-y choruses… that’s like half the album look me in the eyes and tell me I’m wrong !! It’s the equivalent of YB being mostly normal guitar verses and then instrumental pre-choruses lmao at least this I like a lot more WOAH THAT BRIDGE???????? WHO IS SINGING THAT IS THAT MICHAEL? I literally don’t recognize whose voice that is has it been that long since I heard his voice am I tripping?? But either way that was really cool. The song overall was pretty? Plain but not at all bad and it’ll definitely grow on me with more listens. Rating: 7/10

High - last song im so sad ahhh oof that sound it sounded like Michael? And it was umm very ear orgasmic lmao weird to put two songs that start like that one after the other tho but whatever. Woah the way Luke sang “highly” was so angelic !!! This is very acoustic-y too, but it seems like it’s truly mostly the same vibe throughout. Oof Calum’s harmonies sound so good. I also like the background “Ah”s this song sounds very angelic and pretty. I really like the way he sings the lyrics like “I hope you think of me high… think of me highly” and the part after that kind of mirrors that line. Not a huge fan of the lyric saying your friends just want you to yourself oof friends don’t like imma be honest that line was kinda cringy lmaoo But this song was very pretty, though honestly I doubt I’ll listen to it much or remember it just cause slow songs aren’t my cup of tea, but I can really appreciate the song for what it is and it was enjoyable to listen to. Rating: 8/10

Unrelated: I like that the album isn’t crazy long like every other album of theirs. I much prefer concentrating on 12 great songs than making 16-20 and then inevitably them hating/ignoring a few of them cause they’re like,, way worse than the rest of the album

Average rating: Okay technically 7.1/10 BUT if you take out Easier, then it’s a solid 7.5/10

I liked a lot of the songs and I’m sure I’ll like them even more with more listens, but the only ones I really LOVED were Red Desert and No Shame. It’s honestly a fantastic album, I just don’t think it fits my personal vibe. I’m very proud of the boys!! I really think it’s some of their best work. (Besides Easier,,, she can choke 💀💀)

[superjennysunshine]

Day 9: Day 7 - Revelations.

Today was fun. Xenoblades been fucking amazing so far and I’m still looking forward to playing it everyday, unfortunately FF14 has taken a backseat to it but I’ll return once i finish up Xenoblade.

So lets talk about day 7 huh.

I said I didn’t have a post for day 7 cause it was a bad day and that’s partially a lie. It was mostly an average day until I wrote out the post for day 7, at which point it became a bad day.

I didn’t really know what to write on day 7. I tried a couple things and none of them seemed to work and as I kept deleting paragraphs everything kept getting a little more raw and emotional, Attempt 2 was more emotional and raw than attempt 1. Attempt 3 more than 2, etc. On my fourth try I found what I was looking for, that feeling when you’ve struck literature gold and your just typing away filling the page with word after word of exactly what you wanted to convey.

But then I realized something. What I was writing sounded exactly like a suicide note. The first sentence was “I just wanted them to know how I felt.” later i wrote “I want them to know none of this was there fault, there was nothing they could’ve done.” and I started balling in my room, my door was open so I was biting down on my lip, tears streaming down my face as I wrote this letter. Finally I reached an end after 4 paragraphs and just sat there crying.

Ultimately I didn’t post that letter for day 7, of course, and I’m better now, I know that probably doesn’t sound like much coming from me, especially with events as of late, but I do feel better than I did then. But thinking back to it, It felt so final. It was so filled with anger and bitterness toward the world, some sort of lamenting tantrum at everyone who would’ve read it. It read like the words of someone who was about to die and it scared me. Still does today, which I guess is a good thing. 

I think about my own death a lot, hell I daydream about it nearly on the regular. I feel like I’ve told at least one or two people that but I’ve never told them specifically what I think about. I have two separate death dreams.

The first is the Car Dream. In the car dream, I’m driving, on some street near a closed gas station, when all of the sudden i get in a head on collision. there’s glass stuck in me all over, im bleeding out of my ears and my eyes are open wide in shock. I crawl out of the car and lay on the ground by the door, staring up into the sky as the dream camera very cinematic like floats up into the air as David Bowies’ Heroes plays. Melodramatic as hell I know. But that’s how it plays out every single time I have the car dream.

Btw David Bowie makes great credit music. Heroes, Moonage Daydream, Life On Mars they all have such an ending type of vibe too them, like you’re watching someone walk off the field in an 80��s movie. Or in my case die in a fucking car accident lmao.

Anyway..

The other is the Funeral Dream. In the funeral dream I’ve already died. Everyone I expect would be at my real life funeral is there all dressed up to the nines. It’s in the same funeral home as my dads, I guess because it was the last funeral home I vividly remember the look of. There’s no service or anything but there is a closed casket and a television. The Television turns on and a video begins playing. It’s animated the first I hear is Blue by Yugo Kanno, the ending track to Cowboy Bebop. Another very good credit song, mainly because it’s used in the series finale credits. The similarities don’t stop there, as a huge blue sky plays a pivotal role in the plot of this little animation. There’s a shot of me in a hospital bed, presumably in this dream I die of some sort of illness. Don’t know if I’d take it over a car crash but that’s a quandary for another day. I wont go into too much detail about the events leading up to the end of the video. But when the ending crescendo of Blue begins i start running up the side of the hospital, and jumping into the sky, and as the song ends I fly away, only to be seen watching the world below me while sitting on a cloud. It mirrors this picture from the ending of All Star Superman, which makes sense because it’s my favorite image a comic I love, and is also about someones death.

The video is honestly, quite beautiful. It’s stirred tears out of me more than a couple of times.

I’ve had revelations about these dreams recently. In both of them I’m killed by something completely out of my control. An Unstoppable Illness, and An Unseen Oncoming Vehicle. I go away to music, ending music, ending music I love, and in the funeral dream I get closure. I watch the reactions of the people I love and I watch them leave. Knowing that their lives will continue on.

A resolute end. A goodbye.

This entire break I’ve been dreading returning to my friends lives not because I hate them or anything but because It would make it so much harder to leave. I’ve felt exhausted of living for so long, since before I even knew any of them, though I didn’t know that back then. But I got involved in these peoples lives I became something to them no matter how small or big that thing might be I AM something. It all makes senses. I stop talking to my guitar teacher, I brush off every compliment that comes my way, I chuckle and say a half assed thanks when people show me genuine love, I confine myself to my room and never speak to anyone, because I’m trying to prepare. Whether all of it means to prepare to just disappear or kill myself is a question I don’t have the answer to.

The more important question is, now that I’ve figured it all out, how do I feel about it?

Idk. I don’t wanna die, not today. Not right now. I did on day 7. Will I tomorrow? Maybe.

Truthfully, I have no Idea how to process any of this information or what i want to do with it. emotionally I want to go through with it, just POOF out of peoples lives and chill either in this room alone or in the ether. Logically I don’t want to do any of that because that sounds fucking insane.

Idk man. Shits crazy.

[wexhavexaxhulk]

No more trickery

Summary: After Mysterio reveals Peters identity to the world, he finds himself back in Tony’s old lab. Tony happened to have left a present for Peter there.

Words: 1331        

Warnings: Angst and fluff. And more angst and fluff.

“....and...done” Tony said as he pushed the last few buttons.

“We’re gonna get you back, Pete, but I’m not sure I will make it.” He said to who, he did not know. Peter obviously but he wasn’t sure he could see him from where ever he was.

He had uploaded is consciousness to an A.I. He would be able to be there for Peter

“Stark on.” That was the wake word that would turn on the A.I.

A glowing Tony Stark hologram appeared, it was the same color as his arc reactor “Perfect”

“Tony! Let’s go on a walk!” Pepper yelled from outside of the lab.

“Coming” Tony replied, with out saying Stark off.

3 months later

“...Spider-Man’s real name is p- Peter Parker!-“

“What the fuck!”

Peter looked down at MJ, worry written all over her face. He could a) try to explain the video b) swing off to the compound or c) run away and never come back.

He went with b.

He went to the compound, swinging as fast as he could. He texted MJ sorry right after he left and turned his phone off.

Pepper has been at the compound lately, she has been very busy and thought she could focus on her work better here instead of at S.I.

“Pepper!” He yelled even though he knew she could hear him.

He ran all the way up to her office. She had been watching the news when it happened so she had been trying to reach Peter.

“Pepper!” He yelled again, this time she heard him.

“Peter!? Oh my gosh, I saw the news!”

“W-what do I do?! I-I’m freaking out I-I, how, w-why!?”

“Peter, honey calm down, we will get this sorted out.” Peter has no idea how she was staying so calm when his whole identity was revealed to the world but he was thankful.

She pulled him to a hug telling him that they will get it sorted out.

Peter was exhausted and Pepper could tell. “Go lay down, I will try and figure out what to do.”

“Pepper-“

“You need to rest, I got this.”

“Okay” He was finally starting to feel the exhaustion.

He walked through the halls not really wanting to go to sleep, he new he wouldn’t be able to and even if he could he’d just have more nightmares.

He found himself at Tony’s old lab.

He hasn’t been there since before the whole war with thanos happened.

He was hesitant to walk in. He grabbed the handle and turned but he didn’t push it open. He stood there for what felt like hours, although it was just a minute.

He pushed open the door. It looks like the last person to be in there was Tony, there was dust everywhere. Nothing had been touched.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. The lab brought back so many memories. The next thing he was standing in the lab crying.

“Hey kid.” That was Tony’s voice. Peter looked up.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter said. He couldn’t believe his eyes, it was him, but not him. Something was off.

“The one and only. I’ve downloaded my conscious onto a digital frame before reversing what thanos did, so I’ve basically become a glorified A.I. now. And how many times do I have to remind you? Just call me Tony already-“

“Stop.” Tears we’re still streaming down his face.

Tony looked up with confusion. He was about to say something when Peter interrupted.

“Your not even real, are you? You can’t trick me any more.”

“Wait what?” Tony said still confused as to what Peter was talking about.

Peter turned and stepped forward, right in Tony’s face.

“Hey underoos what are you-“

“Stop playing dumb, I’ve had enough of your game! You tricked everyone with the real Mr. Starks tech, you tried to kill everyone I love, and if that wasn’t enough already, you had to reveal my identity to the world right after framing me for murder! Haven’t you done enough damage already, Mr. Beck?”

“Pete, I’m not-“

“Leave me alone. Please.” Peter turned around and ran out of the lab stopping at the elevator.

“Peter, wait-“

Tony appeared behind Peter, not too close to freak him out. “Kid... what the hell happened to you while I was gone?”

“Just leave me alone!” Peter screamed. He was sick and tired of being tricked and lied to.

“Kid, it’s me.” Tony was trying just hardest to convince his kid. He didn’t understand what he was talking about.

“...prove it” Peter wished it really could be him. To have Tony back would be better than words can describe. “What is something that Beck wouldn’t know?”

Due to Tony being an A.I he can access the internet. He looked up Beck not knowing who Peter was talking about. Quentin Beck? Was he after Peter? He saw a picture of a hero named Mysterio who happened to look exactly like mysterio. He would have to figure out what was happening later. He has to gain Peters trust again first.

All of that happened in a split second.

“Uh...” Tony was going through many memories. He had to think of something that Beck wouldn’t know. Before he worked for Tony.

2010. Peter told him he had met him when he was little. He had saved Peter.

“In 2010 I saved you from one of Hammers drones. You lifted your little arm up and I shot at it. You had an Ironman mask on.”

Peter looked up, tears coming to a stop. “I-it’s you. It’s r-really.”

“Yeah kid it’s me. It’s really me.”

Peter ran up to give Tony a hug but went right through him.

“I’m sorry Pete, it’s me but it’s not actually me...”

Peter didn’t look sad, he looked like he had a bed idea.

“Peter, I know that face...” Peter chuckled. “Peter...”

“Vision.”

“Huh. Oh. No Peter. I don’t think that’s gonna work.”

“It might...”

Tony sighed, giving in to Peters crazy idea. “Your gonna need some help.” Peter smiled.

———

“Pepper! Come down to the lab!” Peter screamed.

“Can’t you just use FRIDAY?” Tony replied to Peters crazyness. Peter has been up for about a week straight working.

“Oh yeah.”

“Yeah, Peter? Have you finally decided to come out of th-“ Pepper stopped. “T-Tony? Is that you? I’m my god!” Pepper ran up to Tony and kissed him but pulled back. “I-I don’t understand, its you but... it’s not you.”

“It is his mind inside of a body like Visions.” Peter was very proud of himself, he built a Tony!

Pepper had a mix of emotions on her face. There was happiness, fear, sadness, confusion, and many more.

“You okay Pep?” Tony put his hands on Peppers arms. She flinched, his hands feeling cold and lifeless. What looked like grief clouded over her face.

“It’s him, but not exactly him. It won’t feel like him. Im sorry I got your hopes up Pepper.”

“It’s fine Peter, it’s more than fine actually. We still have most of him back.” Pepper smiled and it felt genuine.

“Are finally gonna start calling me Tony now?”

“I don’t know, I might have to, you have the power to take over the world being and A.I.”

“Your right, I do. Be nice or else!”

“I’m still in charge.” Pepper joined in on their banter.

“Yes of course, dear.”

It nice having some form of Tony back. He could be there for them physically. Yes he could interact with objects but hand to hand felt like hugging metal. Morgan can grow up with a father. If a father can fly and walk through walls. Not to mention they had two walking googles.

They eventually got kind of used to the feeling of Tony. It’s not like the living one, but it’s way better than no Tony.

Was it weird? Kind of. But it was their life, they loved it. They him. Even if he could take over the world in minutes. 

A/N: Wow! I posted on Tumblr and ao3! Look at me go! I love the way this turned out. Sorry I haven’t been posting I've been busy will school and volunteering. Btw go to my ao3 under the same username!

[rebelhippie]

To the girl I used to be:

Dear Gabby,

Let me start off first with I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I allowed a boy to treat you the way he did.

I’m sorry- I’m sorry I allowed someone to control our every move, to tell us where we can go and who we can see.

I’m sorry I allowed you to become so ashamed of your body because any guy who had the audacity to pay you any attention wanted you and it was your fault.

I’m sorry that the words “I’ll kill myself if you leave” we’re used time and time again- I’m sorry the manipulation worked so well.

I’m sorry I let someone so toxic make you feel like the crazy one every time you disagreed and tried to stand up for yourself.

I’m sorry- I’m sorry he put his hands on you, and you were too afraid to stop it- one time may only be one time...but what if it turns into two- I’m sorry that he punched a hole through his wall because he was so angry at you. I’m sorry that every time you argued you were afraid it would happen again.

I’m sorry- I’m so sorry I allowed someone to talk down about our family and make you cry in public.

I’m sorry that you thought you had to send him pictures wherever you went to show him you weren’t lying.

I’m sorry that some of those who promised to to be your friends blamed you for it all, I don’t hate anyone I wish them all the best.

I’m sorry that you had to yell at the top of your lungs with wet hot tears streaming down your face, screaming that you deserved better but not believing it.

I’m sorry that I allowed someone to make you believe you couldn’t have a lot of friends because he didn’t trust you.

I’m sorry Gabby, sorry that you feel like you don’t deserve anything better.

I’m sorry- sorry that when you needed someone he cared more about himself and how he wasn’t okay then you.

Im so very sorry I allowed someone to mentally destroy you. I’m sorry that you prayed to God to not let you wake up, I’m sorry that you saw no point in breathing or living anymore. That you thought of every way to do it on a daily.

Im so sorry...that I allowed someone to dictate what your worth was instead of believing in myself. I’m so sorry for it all..

just know it’s getting better.

I’m sorry you spent so long not singing in the shower, that you don’t paint or write anymore, I’m sorry that this post is even here- but I’m not sorry that you finally took the time to protect yourself and say enough is enough- because now, you sing in the shower, you dance again, your smile is coming back and guess what? You wrote this. The sunshine is returning and I didn’t write this for pity, but for the hope that maybe it will touch someone out there that needs it- because ladies/men you do not need to stay. I hit rock bottom and had to pull myself back up, You will be okay and you will get better, every day is a new day- “leaving is the hardest part, but once you leave it’s the easiest damn thing in the world “. I have been extremely blessed with my support system, wether it is my work family, my close family , or those who I reached out too for help. I am learning how to live again and I am smiling more. The new pictures in my phone are genuinely happy smiles and stories of good memories. Life does get better, some days are tough but I get through and so will you❤️

I pray this boy treats his next like a queen and want nothing but the best, God has a plan for everyone and holding onto hate isn’t mine. God bless ❤️

[littlelovelymemes]

✰ * º ❛ more popular text posts starters. ❜

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[forever-his-bride]

Our Journey to Parenthood

We're Expecting!

What next?

I wanted to log our journey to parenthood because it started long before we took a positive pregnancy test. It is amazing how God prepares your heart to become a parent. Timing is always perfect when God is in control and looking back on our married life together we can see God's hand in preparation for this new chapter of our lives.

We got married in March of 2013. On mother's day of that same year we believed there was a chance I could be pregnant. I remember crying on the couch in our tiny little apartment thinking there was no way I was ready to be a mother. I called byron and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home. Immediately my mind began to race. We had so many things we wanted to do as a young married couple. We had even made a list of all the places we wanted to go and the adventures we had hoped to take before we would become parents. We were enjoying being newlyweds and I laid there processing how much our lives would change if our suspicions were true. Byron came home from work that night with a three pack of pregnancy tests. He hugged me for a long time and said either way we would be just fine. The test was negative and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Fast forward several months. December of 2014 we were heading to Disneyland- one of the places on our list of things to do before babies. We had almost been married for 2 years and we had accomplished so many things that we wanted to before we would become parents. When unpacking in our room in anaheim, I realized that I had forgotten my birth control pills. For a minute I went into panic mode. I think we were both equally freaking out that I would not have my pills for more than a week. But the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The past two years had been so amazing and we were about to go on one of the last trips on our before baby list. So we decided we would not prevent pregnancy anymore. We trusted that God's timing was perfect and when it was time we would have a baby!

Little did we know how long that process would drag on. Our focus shifted at some point. At first we weren’t “preventing it” but that quickly moved to we wanted it so bad. Mother's day rolled around again in 2015 and we weren’t pregnant. Lots of pregnancy tests had been taken and so many false tests had made it hard to believe that we would ever become pregnant. I remember being sad on mothers day for a completely different reason. I wanted to be a mother. I hadn't really told anyone that because I didn’t want the outside pressure of people knowing we had been trying for a baby. Of course we got questions all the time about when we would be having babies. We played aloof like we werent even trying- weren’t even sure we would want that. Deep down both of us wanted to be parents. Both of us questioning if we could conceive. And now both of us beginning to question God's timing.

So we made other big kid decisions and we bought a house. July of 2015 we officially became homeowners. 3 bedrooms- 2 bathrooms- perfect scenario to start a family. We thought maybe this was the step we needed to take so that we could grow our little family. And of course more people started asking when we would start trying to have babies. It felt too shameful to tell people that we had been “trying” since December of the previous year.

We faced plenty of other obstacles. That same summer that we bought a house, Byron was working Cal Fire and gone for the majority of the summer. This caused plenty of stress and border-line resentment because I thought this was one of the reasons we were unable to make a baby.

Later that fall we got a dog. The dog gave us something to care for together and alleviated some of the pressure we had been putting on ourselves to have a baby. She took so much time and energy that we were all consumed with our new puppy for probably 6 months.

In 2016 we genuinely considered the fact that we may not be able to have children. I asked my doctor if there was a chance I had anything that might prevent me from getting pregnant. She said she did not see why I couldnt conceive. We never had official tests done because we werent quite ready for the answer to that.

We geared up for another cal fire season and I was terrified. I thought there was no way we would get pregnant that summer since we had already gone through this and it caused so much stress and strain on our marriage. I had a conversation with my cousin that summer about my fears and my sadness about us not being able to conceive at that point. She gave me fantastic perspective and simple advise on what to do if this is really something we wanted. I wont get into it but one of the biggest things I was told was to relax. That helped a lot. Anybody who has ever wanted to have a baby can understand the pressure you start putting on yourself and your spouse that its not a relaxing experience. For a woman, we feel somewhat responsible for the negative pregnancy tests because its our bodies that dont seem to be able to carry a child.

I took so many pregnancy tests it was crazy. We got very used to the negative tests that we started expecting it. I think I finally gave up. We knew that come the end of this year, byron would be laid off from cal fire once again and we werent sure what his next steps would be any way so we thought maybe it wasnt the right time for us to have a baby.

November of 2016 was different. Although every month since we had started trying to have a baby, I felt “different” this moth was truly different. We spent thanksgiving with my in laws and I knew my body felt strange but I didnt let my mind wander too much because I had believed this several other times. I was “late” but that had happened several other times as well. So I told byron when we got home we would need to take a test. So we got home Friday night, and saturday morning we went out and bought pregnancy tests. My emotions were everywhere. When we got home I took the test. We let it sit for a minute and returned to the test like we had so many times before and for the first time we saw the word “pregnant” appear on the test. Immediately I had tears streaming down my face and we embraced. It was like time stopped for a bit. It was exciting, unreal, crazy, wonderful, unbelievable and so many other things. I ran to get a onsie I had been saving for byron that said “rad like my dad” and we started crying all over again.

Naturally I wanted to be sure so I took another test that we had just because I was in disbelief and it said “not pregnant” Our excitement was dashed. Our joy was gone. Confusion and sadness set in. my parents came over for dinner that night and I was just crushed. I told my mom I had taken a test that day that revealed we were not pregnant. So I tried to sip on a cocktail although I hated the way it tasted.

Later that night I sent a text to my cousin and told her about our emotional day. She wrote back and told me I was pregnant. I told her there was no way. Test said no. she said my hormones would be stronger in the morning and I should try again.

The next morning I was borderline depressed. I didnt want to get out of bed to relive the sadness of the negative pregnancy test. We had plans that day to get our christmas tree that day with a few friends. I considered not taking it but finally I decided to get up and get it over with. And to our surprise, it was positive! As were the 3 we took after that. The rest of the day was a blur. I just remember holding my stomach and thinking how amazing it was that we had finally made a baby.

It still took a while for it to set in. The disbelief continued as we experienced bleeding in the first trimester and other things that gave us doubt. But here we are- im 39 weeks pregnant and we are anxiously waiting for our baby girl to arrive. Im so grateful for God's perfect timing.