#like fucking Christ I don’t even have interests or hobbies at this point I’m running out of distractions from the fact that I’m me

[rateater69]

I feel so. normal. Every single day of my life I swear.

[somethinginworl]

He would not fucking say that - Kirby franchise edition (Results)

Well! Seems like a lot of people had a lot to say about mischaracterized Kirby characters, as a matter of fact, there were a whooping 57 entries! Well, let’s get going with them, shall we? Just,,, beware that this is a LOOONG post.

Haltmann

The dude 100% did fucked up shit and needs to be held accountable but people seem to so easily forget the degree he was influenced/corrupted by Star Dream. I don't understand why people hate Haltmann and love Star Dream who is arguably the actual reason HWC started colonizing and draining planets. Also the fact that Haltmann isn't conventionally attractive to the majority of the fandom makes him less sympathetic ig?? But the dude is a grieving father who made mistakes that sent him down a spiral into being corrupted and then deleted by a heartless machine. I can't help but pity him

Prince Fluff

Go on ao3. Look in his tag on tumblr. He exists only to be Kirby or Shadow Kirby's love interest most of the time, with no personality of his own.

He barely gets recognized anymore, and if he does, it's usually as a ship Prince Fluff was a big part of my childhood, with Epic Yarn being my first game. To me, he was Kirby's fellow main character, and they had a cool sibling/best friend relationship. But now, a lot of what I see of him is just . . . Kirfluff. Which is cool and all, but man's a prince! He can do more than be a boyfriend! Heck, he runs an entire kingdom by himself! One thing that I want to see more of is Fluff as a stressed but caring ruler, not just a sidekick/boyfriend to the pink puff. Give yarn boy his deserved appreciation!.

Dark Meta Knight

Hello! I am here to spread the good word of a character with no personality. It's the mirror thing. Of course.  Dark Meta Knight has No Personality. Zero. Nada. Zilch. He's Meta Knight but Dark. What does that mean? Your guess. He fights Meta Knight. And wins lmao skill issue blueboy. And fights Kirby. And loses a few times, which isn't surprising. He was dumb enough to split Kirby in four, though. Four times the Kirby is four times the amount your ass is grass. You're practically a forest at that point because you're so grass. So he's violent and has no personality outside of being violent. Woo! Triple Deluxe has him attack Dedede in Dededetour inside the Mirror. This has led people to think he fucked over Sectonia. This makes my heart bleed as much as Taranza probably did when he was punted off of Royal Road via Fuck You Lightning Ball. My man just has no sense of timing,,,, They just wanted to include a Meta Knight battle because Knight Battles are a Kirby standard at this point,,, You think a man that stupid can figure out how to take advantage of a woman's insecurity? I don't even know if he knows women exist. How many female Amazing Mirror characters are there??? Boxy??? Moley mentions having a wife once and Dameta doesn't know what he means. But other than being driven to immense violence and being scapegoated for the stuff his boss probably did, Dameta has other hobbies! Like whatever his motivation in Star Allies is. Something dastardly, I'm sure. People really like to pretend he's not part of the Star Ally club when my man is doodling with toddlers and posing with his less cool less edgy self. Would a villain have a silly little we heart kirby statue? No, didn't think so. Also I cannot imagine him as a dad to Shadkirby either. Do they even interact? I've seen both "Amazing dad" and "Outright abusive" as interpretations and I can't go with either. But I think that's because I don't enjoy Metadad that much. They're like awkward coworkers. He thinks they're student and mentor. They're not even that. Dameta barely knows Shadow exists.

Dark Meta Knight is very popularly characterized as like an abusive parent, usually physically abusive. Mainly to Shadow Kirby, of course. He's an asshole, yeah, but not THAT bad, christ. I've seen multiple fics where Shadow Kirby is some poor little hey what t the fuck hes fighting himself. um. Back to being a hater.

Shadow Kirby

Some folks still think he's shy/cowardly like from the Amazing Mirror Days. Not really true anymore. From what fans have seen from the ending of the game, he does protect the Mirror World. As for the spin off games that include him, he's pretty tough and even creates mischief sometimes.

Shadow Kirby is constantly treated as an "evil" Kirby. Especially bad after Fighters and fighters two. Not to mention "Parallel Kirby". There's also a strangely common trend of making them more sapient than pink Kirby, who tends to be infantilised to hell and back. Shadow Kirby also is often treated as a complete coward who can't do anything right, when they aren't called evil.

He's shown as completely different in several different occasions, not only in personality but in design I like shadow kirby he's purple and then he's not

Dark Taranza

Dark Taranza, gonna be honest what little characterization people give him are actually okay compared to the rest. But I'm still a hater and hang on im watching jerma clips. okay. He's like Sectonia if Sectonia was Taranza if that makes sense.

Shadow Dedede

Shadow Dedede barely gets shit but I'm going to be a little hater anyways. I don't like most characterizations. I see people make him like a dictator like bro he's literally just some guy.

Sectonia

have you seen how often people say that  sectonia and taranza were boyfriend and girlfriend in canon?????? they were never!!! shes the gosh dang final boss but shes only ever used to give taranza angst. she is her own person with a personality!!!! yes their backstories are interconnected but gosh!!!!

This not too prominent but I can't stand it when people portray her as an uwu shy girl pre-corruption. While she gave in her worst aspects, she was probably always a kind of vain, girlboss! I mean she knows how to fight with rapiers c'mon!!!

idk it just feels like lots of people just see her as Taranza's tragic dead wife and like nothing else you know? like she is more than that and I feel like what little content we have of her proves that (like the soul boss descriptions (especially the original japanese text of the 2nd phase!!) and the eternal dream song) - or maybe im reading too much into those because im hyperfixating on my blorbo whoops

Kine

I'm not sure how true this opinion is considering how little people talk about Kine, I feel this is partially the anime's fault, or maybe its because of how he just looks, but Kine is cool and is not some stupid loser fish. Before the days of Crystal Shards, Him, Kirby, Rick & Coo were the dream team at the time, always hanging out going, with various activities long before the days of Meta Knight or even Dedede. Kine is an awesome aquatic rep for the Kirby series not to mention drinking and being a pirate and Kine even has a Wife! Kine has got it! I guess this is a partial compliant of Ship of Theseus which can be applied with Rick & Coo too, but I feel Kine gets the most hate if any because of people who are unfamiliar just see a dopey fish and are unaware of his origins and his past with Kirby. I'm not upset with the current representation of the Kirby cast (I love the RTDL team being the main crew) but I do hope the animal buddies get some more love, Especially Kine.

Dedede

reduced to his significantly less in-depth and compelling characterization from the anime

Anime Dedede.

Magolor

one time i read a series of fanfictions where he called every female character in the story a bitch and was portrayed as the good guy in the story

Is it possible to both be flanderized and woobified at the same time? There is a lot of "removing his responsibility for his actions" but can we get better jokes than "hehe Microtransgolor hehe scammer egg”

Always an uwu soft boy. Like no that is a criminal not a catboy.

Bro would never be intimidated by Magolor

Marx

People either portray him as a edgy sociopath or constantly bored and annoyed. Portraying him as an adult or a teen kinda annoys me as well. I'm very picky about portrayals of Marx so don't get upset if you portray him as one of these I've listed.

Sometimes I see people only joking about the "hungry so he came along" thing with Marx and it's pretty overdone

They took one look at him and said “to the insane asylum bitch”. I don’t think he’s some crazy murder hobo rather a dude with questionable morals and puts his own mischief and fun before others it seems. Though Marx is indeed one of the least “character” characters when I mean he doesn’t have much depth in comparison to other characters. But you could do anything else than have him follow the Jevil path of him being crazy. Make him evil? Sure. Make him a cringefail idiot? Sure. Make him a crybaby bitch? Go ahead. But making him the definition of what a 14 year old white girl in New Jersey that probably is addicted to Instagram and thinks Webtoon comics are the highest level of art and storytelling’s definition of insane doesn’t cut it cuz. Slapping the spaz label without a thought of what’s being done on a character who fits the mark makes the Schizoid peeved who coulda known. As this is all coming from the one person who has likely ruined Marx’s character the most for Kirblur by making him a somewhat empathetic manchild who clings to both pipe dreams of normality and being a monster btw. (Also this doesn’t mean jokes, you can joke about him being a psycho like Jerma it’s when it’s taken 100% seriously is when it’s bad).    Also to add on, Woobification of Marx or any Kirby character period CAN be annoying if taken too far. I take full responsibility in the fact my variant is also woobifed to an extent but that train full of ticking bombs doesn’t bother me as much. Make him sadcry and be gay he deserves both those things. Send him to sad hell with the rest of them.

To the anon above... What?

Making him stupid or reducing him to just Silly Clown. Or just having him act in purely impulsive or spontaneous ways (which sometimes happens when juxtaposed with a more "collected" character like Magolor).

Daroach

this is something i’ve noticed specifically in chatfics, but when daroach is in the ensemble some of them tend to designate him as the Goofy Meme Dumbass for… idk, fandom quota? i really don’t know why it happens because he has a bunch of canon dialogue (and alternate continuity stuff like the novels) that show him to be cool and clever. i’m not saying he can’t have a sense of humor or anything (he’s definitely the type to have a bunch of quips), but it sucks when he’s mischaracterized because the fandom doesn’t give him that much attention as is. if you NEED a silly haha guy, marx is right there!”

Morpho Knight

"Morpho Knight is a creature of mercy. It's a benevolent entity putting tired souls to rest." NO?! I'm going to copy-paste some stuff I put in a post of my own. A while back, SYZekrom on Reddit translated Morpho Knight's entry, and it contains some... interesting information. Allow me to provide some excerpts. "He’s a red knight with butterfly wings, continuing from a pair of white wings like an angel’s, and a pair of azure wings with a bit of an evil feel." This is the first of two instances where Morpho Knight is outright stated to be evil. There's also stuff in the art book that supports my theory that Galacta and Morpho are permanently fused and the former is not dead, but I don't want to get carried away. These are its gacha figure descriptions in Forgotten Land: "The fluttering fiend that casts judgment upon final battles is drawn toward the isolated isles of Forgo Dreams. There, it feasts on the most powerful soul it finds and takes the fearsome form of a scarlet-clad knight… Let the most challenging battle of this new world begin!" –English "One of the dreaming birds, which are said to pass judgement upon decisive battles, drifts towards a forgotten, isolated isle as if summoned. There, it sips upon the strongest Soul and descends as a red knight. Finally, welcome the dusk… of the deadliest battle in this New World!"  –Japanese While at first glance there doesn't seem to be any information of note, the "fluttering fiend" bit in the English version is outright stating Morpho Knight is evil, and the phrase "he deadliest battle in this New World" doesn't sound particularly heroic. But I digress... Morpho is NOT a good person! This is clearly leading up to a villain vs hero confrontation! Which, may I add, implies that reaping Galacta Knight wasn't necessarily a good thing for it to do?!

Elfilis

elfilis is NOT entirely malicious. they would gladly accept hugs and kisses. being in a fucking capsule ALONE and AWARE for likely CENTURIES will DO SOMETHING TO YOU YOU KNOW?? god fucking DAMN dude... and after the ending of the true arena in the game, WILLINGLY GAVE THEMSELF UP TO ELFILIN. also they're not fucking DEAD you PSYCHOPAYHS elfilis is STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE!!!!!!! RUUAAAGGGH!!!!!!!!!!

Susie

Being Evil or being a Sad uwu girl who has had bad things happen to her seems to be the only way most people can portray this character.

Susie isn't a friend. She's selfish and wanted to take over the company. Her "redemption" is pointing Kirby at the world-ending machine, gives him armor, and then stands around. She doesn't even know his name. The closest she does for good is tell Kirby to do something he would've done on his own.

My girl really became the subject of hate thanks to a mistranslation. I mean yeah she likes robots and shit but the fact that people think she is a terrible person and that she's still colonizing planets makes me upset. i blame the translation team for everything.

When people say she has fully redeemed herself and is reduced to cishet, pretty girl??? Like no, star allies mistranslation my ass you fell for her corporate propaganda. The female characters in this franchise, while lovable, is not nearly as popular as a lot of the male ones. HAL literally gave us a morally grey girlboss who we can still sympathise with. She actually feels like a very real character in this fictional world.

You Know How People Are About Her

she's not even my blorbo!!!!!! everyone thinks she's a huge evil bitch who has done terrible genuinely unspeakable things. i read a fic that went on and on abt the horrible things she "did" to meta knight when he was mechanized (things so bad i cant even say) and i was pulling my hair out she did not fucking do any of that!!!! yes the universe can have pretty dark moments but good lord people only use her to woobify meta knight and give fuel to ship him with others and it pisses me off lol. or people go too far the other way and woobify HER to ship with him and aughhhh no one has a shred of media literacy. she's not purely good or purely evil she's such a complex character who did bad things because she was in a bad situation and the best example of a morally grey character who's on no one's side but herself and that will always be more interesting that 100% good or 100% evil. once again she's not even my blorbo but i've never seen a character butchered this badly by a fandom

Because of mistranslation (from what I've heard) Susie's whole mechanizing planets has been the number one thing when it came to susie hate and the only reason as to why people hate this girl so much. Honestly Susie's character has been fucked up immensely and no one has such a divided spread of opinions like she does. Some people brush away her backstory and make her a soulless being with no love whatsoever.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Susie Haltmann. I cannot with the fandom interpretations anymore. It's ridiculous how bad they've gotten. Susie is a two dimensional character. I absolutely despise seeing people portray her as some sort of greedy capitalist bastard and "the one with the braincell". In canon, she's consistently been portrayed as a sweet person (with a knack for violence, but EVERYONE in this series is like that). Everything bad she did in Planet Robobot was FOR WORK and the will of HER FATHER, and even if she did want to do the things she did, she's clearly not doing them any more. The "mechanizing planets and peoples" line in Star Allies is a mistranslation. And the "punishing savages" doesn't have to mean anything bad. It could mean she's punishing evildoers with her money and resources. In fact, I've seen some translations put it like that And Meta Knight... is just the straw that broke the camel's back. Oh lord. Why does everyone insist that he hates her? There's the little scene in Star Allies... but god, that isn't canon, it's clearly a joke. If anything, Susie might have been trying to talk to him and he was just trying to avoid her in a misinterpretation of the situation. It's supposed to be funny. Why are you imposing this onto people like this automatically makes Susie a devil incarnate and anything involving those two characters in problematic? Just shut up.

Meta Knight

Everyone thinks he’s just the ‘edgy character’ or ‘the uncaring mentor figure’ while in actuality he really does care for Kirby (and Bandana Dee) more than anyone gives him credit for!

Everyone either makes him all broody and lonesome, like shadow the hedgehog or batman; or they make him a goofy dad, like Dedede or Hugh Neutron. In reality, he's a weird uncle with unknown motivations, simultaneously selfish and practical. Also, he doesn't hide the fact that he likes sweets, he eats them away from everyone so no one steals them (Dedede and Squeak Squad).

He's not Kirby's fucking dad! He's an irresponsible uncle that hands out swords! And he is definitely in love with dedede, he is the only other dramatic bitch willing to build a skyscraper to beat up kirby (I am using intense anger for comedic effect) 

HES A FUCKING TWINK ASS FRUITY ASS MOTHERFUCKING CRINGEFAIL MAN. HE NEEDS TO HAVE HIS PERSONALITY INTERPRETED AS BOTH THE MANGA AND THE GAMES. YES HE IS MYSTERIOUS BUT HE ALSO WOULD TRIP AND FALL OVER HIMSELF. I NEED STAR ALLIES KICKING SWORD PISSED. I NEED MANGA ROSES BITCHASS META. I NEED THAT PARTICULAR VERSION OF MY BOY meat knight RIGHT NOW. meta knight is cringefail. half of the fandom agrees the other half does not. im explode.

He wants to look cool so bad but he is actually a huge fucking goofy goober. Any representation of Meta Knight being a badass is propaganda made by Meta Knight himself to convince you he’s cool. I mean have you seen his RTDL Deluxe pause screen description? King Dedede’s and Bandana Dee’s are in first person, but his is in third person? He’s literally talking about himself in the third person like hello????? Meta Knight is such a fucking lame goofy little man who thinks he’s the most badass motherfucker on the planet.

To fair this has been less common lately but back during 2014-2016 MK was usually portrayed in fanart/fanfic as either this wise veteran or cold edgelord. He is just an unhindged!!! Silly!!! Guy!!! He can be cool and cringefail!!! But he is also compassionate in his own aloof, awkward way!!! 

i am not a big fan of the metadede ship. i think people are shipping for the sake of having a ship and nothing else. As someone with a severely underrepresented orientation (aromantic and asexual), when I see a character I like, I will project onto said character. This is the case with my interpretation of Meta Knight. I saw a cool character that I liked who a) doesn’t have any canon love interests and b) didn’t really need a whole ton of friends/significant others to be happy with life. Meta Knight always seemed to be perfectly content with the friends he has on Popstar and his crew and everyone in the anime, so I looked to him for hope that I could live the same way. I was open to the metadede ship at first, but as time passed, I felt less and less comfortable with it. It seemed to me that people were so hungry for gay ships that they just pulled this one out of thin air courtesy of Kirby Fighters 2, which is to my knowledge the only piece of media that somewhat supports this. Why can’t people just be happy with MK and Dedede being friends or frenemies? I’m probably starting drama with this bc I know how popular metadede is on Tumblr so I apologize for upsetting you if that is the case.  But I also feel that I shouldn’t apologize just because I have a different opinion.

I dislike how "pathetic" the fandom has made him out to be. I don't like it when he's portrayed as overpowered but... "pathetic, whiny manlet" could not be further from the truth. How did we get to that?

Kirby

Often people make Kirby more dependent on others than he actually is. He's an extremely independent person that literally cannot be stopped by anyone who tries to get in his way

ik its been covered to death but matpat made that video about how kirby is evil and completely ignored the themes of friendship and kindness that are present throughout the entire series

dude hes not a baby. he drinks in the manga adukt kirbies are a fine interp god. and hes not a godkiller or some shit he just fights for his friends hes not some terrifying monster kirby is literally just some friendly guy. strong yeah but just some guy. he fights strong entities incidentally lol

The anime portrays them as a literal infant, and due to its overprevalence (despite not being in the same stream of canon as the games), this is often their characterization in the fandom.  Canonically, they indeed are a child (at most, they'd probably be a teen in the modern games), but they are old enough to talk, and they demonstrate a high amount of emotional and even technical intelligence.

Admittedly, this is one that usually only happens to people outside the fandom, but it bugs me when people portray Kirby as a sort of immoral monster who only does good things on accident. When it’s quite the opposite! He may not be incredibly bright, but he does his best to help people. Oddly enough, there’s not many cases of “he would not say that” in the fandom for me because of how loose Kirby’s story is. It is lore heavy but the actual characters aren’t super concrete save for a few and I think that’s perfectly fine

People forget that their air bullet!! is an attack!! its literally one of their only ways of dealing damage in DL1!!! I’m looking at you Smash Bros!!! Why isn’t it their nair?????????

making them a toddler who cant speak for themself

I swear everyone outside of the fandom sees Kirby as either a braincell infant or  a merciless force of mass destruction

Taranza

WHAT DIDN'T THEY DO!?!?!? Taranza, as we see him in Triple Deluxe, is such a fun villain. He's dramatic, arrogant, a total suck-up to Sectonia, and it's so. Fucking. Good. He's a devious bastard, he monologues!!! His animations in the Clash games are so fucking campy and dramatic it's chefs kiss!!!! Fanon Taranza is as plain as white bread. Sometimes as pale as it, looking at some of the gijinkas. No shade though! As little shade as there is melanin in him lmAO- He is flanderised to hell and back. There are so. Many. Fucking. Taranzas who happen to be nothing but sad and weepy about his evil dead wife. Where's the bite!!! The pizzazz!!! Even in canon, when he is a bit of a wet sack later on, he still hunts for an altar he can bring her back on. My boy's a wannabe necromancer!!! Write that shit in your lost lenore Sectonia fic you fucking cowards Queen's Phantom ain't just for show. The above is also evidence for woobification! The fucker is obviously sad his crush is dead! But can we pleeease focus on anything else. This is definitely not targeted at Hal Labs. Imagine being woobied so hard your creators backtrack your personality I would just die. "Ehehe he's the responsible mage!!" No the fuck he isn't he can't be trusted with anything he tries take control it WILL blow up in his face. He knows magic he's good at magic but is he responsible??? Fuck no my man's strongest attack is "Blow myself the fuck up via a giant burst of magic" and it shreds. Even worse is the "Taranza got mind-controlled by Sectonia" theory in tandem with this. That wasn't confirmed right. Right. God I hope not that would be embarrassing. He can't even have a moment to realise his devotion has gone too far and she doesn't love him or even care for him, and he has to finally make that decision to free himself from her like ain't that cool!!! And then making him all sad over her afterwards it's just a Little Fucked if you're tryna put it all together eh. Eh. And he's not suuuper objectified (That usually goes to Seccy rest in piss girlie) but the way he's treated in some ships is. Eugh. Fucking Magoranza amirite he's basically there to look responsible and cute (I've already explained my issue with this) and to fix the tortured soul who is Magolor (I do not like Magolor. Nor Magoranza.) Tbh Sectaranza does the same he's there to be tragic because his girlie's dead. When you give him less personality than the dead cardboard cutout you know you fucked up. Anyways these ramblings are here to remind you what Hal Labs stole from us: Taranza but not a TOTAL saddo. Theatre kid Taranza. Arrogant prick. He's even British.

For the anon above me, I just wanted to say that this entry is probably my favorite and lives rent free in my mind.

I'm definitely guilty of it and it's all we have to go off of but PLEASE he needs more than to be Sad. Give him hobbies and interests that aren't just gardening, at least. Make stuff up about him, please!

So, SO many people make him an absolute crybaby over Sectonia. Even though, yes, he has grief problems, it's not his whole freaking personality. Pretty sure they're forgetting the fact that he LITERALLY HELPED KILL HER.

Taranza is not just a little pathetic guy!! He’s a bitch— a little schemer if you will !!! He’s smug—he’s formal—he’s a little fucker!!! Taranza needs a new partner and that partner is me

Oddly enough I do think people make him out to be a bit too much of a goody two shoes. Like he has done some mean things in the past and it wasn’t all Sectonia’s fault, he literally *stole* the Dimensional Mirror after all. Don’t get me wrong I think he’s a good person in the end, but cmon. He has committed crimes

Taranza in some corners of the fandom has kinda been turned into this forever crying baby who can never recover from losing Joronia and like, I never see people who do that write about the recovery and being able to move on to the final stage of grief.

HE IS NOT A SIMP, MY GOD

Everyone needs to stop reducing him to pathetic simp. He is allowed to grieve but he's probably one of the more mature characters within the series???

People disregard everything else about his character to make his tragic relationship with sectonia his only character trait. Not sure if this quite counts as woobifying since he does canonically still mourn her (and obviously seeing a close friend/crush go down the path of self destruction and ultimately die from it WOULD NOT be something you'd get over quickly). But I'm so tired of taranza in fanart and the like being an uwu softboy with Crying as his main character trait. Like he's canonically more than that! He goes full cocky villain mode when you confront him near the end of triple deluxe and he can pack a punch in star allies with his magic! If you're going to write about him prove that you don't just know about the guy from twitter artwork!

And here’s a graph!

Anyways, thanks everyone for your submissions! What I’ve learned here is important: We’re all fucking delusional.

[infernwetrust]

Hands On [Michael Langdon x Jim Mason x Fem Reader] Pt 1.

Summary: The one where you attempt to teach Michael how to use his hands rather than his powers, but things get a little out of hand.

Warnings: some smut, mentions of smut, swearing, some violence, fluff, emotional, brief mention of drug use

WC: 4.0k

A/N: The next chapter is allllll smut up until about the end. This one came to me randomly today and I had to get my ideas down before I lost them forever. Part 1 of a 2 part series. Thank you for reading! -Juno

He stood there in his boxing gear that you had got him the same time you had got yours. He watched as you effortlessly took jabs at the punching bag he had gotten you for Christmas last year, not all really interested in your technique more than how invested he was in your body. The way your training bra fit you perfectly. The way your shorts pointed out all your features. You glistened as the sweat rolled off your body.

You've been doing this with him for the past 2 weeks after months of trying to convince him. The two of you had to talk it over. You let him know that sometimes he didn't always have to snap someone's neck when he was angry. Aside from being the fucking anti-christ, you wanted him to have a normal life as much as possible. You wanted to give him the things he never had when he was younger and of course he was grateful for that. And while snapping their necks was his favorite thing to do, he let his guard down and allowed for you to teach him how to box.

"Okay." you said, taking a moment to pause and catch your breath. "Ready to show me what we've been working on?"

"Remind me as to why I can't just continue to use my magic?" Michael questioned, using his glove to scratch the back of his head.

"Because I'm going to show you how much fun it is to be more hands on."

"It's messy, Y/N. You know I never like to be messy when it comes to my work. I don't like to leave evidence behind."

"But you're sooooo good at it."

And he was. A quick learner, he too, was damn near flawless in front of this punching bag. It was an outlet for all the anger he's been keeping in since he was small and when he got into it, he was really into it. He would go for hours and hours on end and you'd had to do some strong convincing for him to stop and come have dinner. He thought of everything he went through growing up, letting the energy flow through him.

"Plus it'll be your exercise for the day." you added.

"I already get that in the bedroom every other night, my love." he retorted, giving you a smirk.

"Haha. Very funny, Michael."

"But if you insist, so I shall."

He took a deep breath, stepping in front of the punching bag, peering around it to stare at his and your other partner, Jim, who also liked to box, but his fighting style was more MMA. He loved to use both his hands and feet whether he was just sparing or actually fighting. He watched the boy, who was sweating profusely, jab after jab after jab on his new punching bag that you had bought him, his very first birthday he spent with the two of you instead of his sister. Michael loved to watch the two of you pursue a common hobby. He loved how tight Jim kept his boxing shorts. He was on full display and Michael eye's always drifted across his body, especially the bulge between his legs. When Jim got in front of his punching bag, everyone in the room disappeared. He zoned completely out. It was just him, his kicks and punches, and most importantly, his music. You and Michael warn him every time that he isn't going to be able to hear when he gets into his 50s, but Jim's always been hard headed.

You were already married to Michael for 2 years when the two of you found Jim, but he didn't care, he still loves the both of you the same. It's been a year since then. All 3 of you met at a bar, Michael pointing him out to you. He was shy at first and reserved, but a few drinks loosened him up and he was telling the two of you everything. You learned about his parents divorce, his substance abuse, his anger, and fear of abandonment over the course of a 2 week period and why he left Palos Verdes and moved to LA. Michael was the first to fall for Jim and he fell hard, you following shortly behind. Behind all his anger, he was so sweet, so caring, and so passionate. He made love to you and Michael and was rough when he needed to be, but he preferred to be gentle. Him and Michael occasionally exchanged roles in the bedroom. Jim's favorite after a long day of surfing was having Michael ride him while you sit on his face, the two of you making out above him. Or when you would come home after an extremely stressful day of work, venting to the both of them, Jim and Michael both would take turns loving you, filling you up until you felt like you had enough. This was followed by cuddles and kisses all night long until Jim fell asleep, Michael already sleeping like a baby. Or the nights when Jim would hear Michael yelling at one of his cooperative members either over the phone or video call, and especially the meetings he had in house. The in house ones Jim loved. Michael would be furious, storming into the bedroom to Jim sitting in the middle of their California king, shirtless, in those soft blue boxers Michael adored, reading a comic book. Jim would instantly look up, his soft eyes, meeting Michael's hard gaze and he'd shoot him a reassuring smile before motioning him to come here. Jim would give Michael whatever he wanted and a sucker for his boy, Michael was gentle.

Jim was always overwhelmed with excitement when Michael let him know that he was the full dom for the night. He'd absolutely destroy you and Michael, loving hearing the screams of his name come off your lips, especially. Whether it was you begging for him not to stop, or Michael desperately begging to be choked harder, Jim out performed himself every time.

There was nothing you enjoyed more than watching your two men together. When you come home from work to find them cuddled up on the couch, just laughing at random things or when they're both cooking and snap their heads up at the same time once they hear your voice. It's both of them being able to be the voice of reason for different situations. It's Michael arguing with Jim over the small stuff. It's Jim purposefully fucking up Michael's work, so that he would give the two of you some attention. Everyday the both of them never fail to remind you why you love them so much.

"Actually." Michael said, holding onto the punching bag in front of him. "I want to spar with Jim."

"You really think Jim is going to let you spar with him?" you questioned. "He doesn't play spar like we do, Michael. He wouldn't even spar with me, experienced as I am." Feeling pairs of eyes on him, Jim looked up, still punching, glancing between the two of you. He stopped, holding onto the punching bag until it stilled.

"What?" he questioned, taking his one of his ear buds.

"Michael wants to spar with you."

"No." Jim immediately said, running his hands through his drenched hair, walking over to one of the shelves for his water bottle. "2 weeks with you and only has ever done MMA once with me when you were sick. I won't even spare with you, Y/N, let alone the inexperienced."

"That almost hurts my feelings." Michael said, giving his best pouty face. He walked over to Jim, leaning against his punching bag as he watched him gulp his water down.

"Told you." you said, glancing between the two of them.

"Come on, Jim Jam." Michael said, playfully taking a jab at him, which Jim dodged of course, still drinking from his water bottle.

"No, Michael."

"You're wasting your time, Mike. He's not going to lay his hands on you." Michael took another jab at Jim, this time, causing him to drop his water bottle on the floor.

"Michael, come on, seriously. I don't want to hurt you. I don't "play" spar. If I start throwing punches, I'm going to throw them like I'm in the ring."

"Let's get in the ring then. That's what I renovated this house for. Got that brand new ring in the middle of our gym, just for you and Y/N. Put it to use, yes?"

"I have been using it. A couple buddies come over every other weekend, but you're too caught up in your cooperative bullshit to come socialize. They are the only ones I spar with."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I don't want to hurt you. That is my only reason. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to finish up here. You might be the anti-christ, but you're still human."

"Plus.." he continued, mumbling. "I can't fuck up that pretty face of yours."

"Sweet." Michael said, grinning. "But I'll let you know if you're hurting me. Don't I always?"

"Michael." Jim groaned. "Why do you never take no for an answer?"

"This man hasn't been told no for most of his life."

"So spoiled." Jim sighed, popping his ear buds back in, cracking his knuckles to return back to his objective. He pulled his fist all the way back and was about to strike, when Michael appeared directly in front of him, causing him to halt immediately.

"For fuck sakes."

"Spar with me."

"NO. Now MOVE." Michael appeared behind Jim, giving him a jab in his back.

"Spar with me."  You watched amused, folding your arms over your chest, wanting to see exactly how this would play out.

"Michael, I swear-," Another jab connected with Jim's side. "Fucker."

"Spar with me." Jim turned around to glare at Michael who had that stupid grin on his face again. Without even thinking and completely catching Michael off guard, Jim picked him up by the back of his thighs, Michael naturally wrapping them around his waist. He was a dom that wasn't afraid  to be a sub for his babies. And then Jim slammed him down to the mat in front of him, knocking all the wind out of him, Michael grunting loud as his back hit the floor. He coughed vigorously as Jim hovered over him, jaw clenched in a semi-angry gaze.

"Jim!" you yelped.

"Safe word." Jim said, jaw clenched tighter.

"Safe word for what-,"

"Safe word!" Jim barked at him. Michael cocked his head to the side, confused. And while the safe word was normally used for sexual connotation, Jim had started using them for when his spars got over the limit serious.

"Hands..." Michael said. Jim quickly hopped off of him, grabbing his hand and yanking him up off the mat. What was special about the ring that Michael got installed in the house was that he got special gloves made for them as well and all for Jim. When Jim wasn't on the beach surfing, he was always practicing and learning how to defend himself. These gloves were only activated once you stepped in the side the ring. They were designed to register critical hits to the body, thus administering points on an electronic score board.

"Change your gloves." Jim said, sounding agitated as he took his practice ones off to put on the special ones. "And get a mouth guard on."

"Jim you're really gonna-," you were gonna question him, but he cut you off.

"Daddy wants to spar right? So Jim is gonna spar with daddy." You grabbed him by his arm, pulling him closer to you to whisper in his ear while Michael got ready.

"He's no where near ready for something like that."

"He doesn't seem to care." Jim whispered back.   "And you know Mike gets what he wants or he loses his mind." You sighed, resting your forehead against Jim's, feeling him lighten. "I most likely won't go overboard. I really can't bare to hurt him. You remember how I felt after I accidentally burnt him one time and now he wants me to put my hands on him."

"Just be careful please."

"I wish you two would stop worrying so much." he said.

"And I wish you would stop reading our thoughts."

"Habit." he chuckled, putting his long hair into a neat bun. "Come on Jim Jam." Michael stepped in the ring first, it immediately recognizing him.

Welcome, Michael.

Jim sighed, stepping in after him.

Welcome, Jim.

Jim walked over to Michael, wanting to convince him to change his mind because he knew once he got in the zone it would be hard for him to stop. He had a soft spot for the both of you.

"No I don't want to change my mind." Michael said as Jim approached him, but that didn't stop Jim from getting any closer. He grabbed Michael by the back of his neck, pressing his lips roughly against his in a heated kiss.

"I'm sorry..." Jim said, pulling away breathlessly. "If I do anything to hurt you." He touched gloves with Michael before returning to his corner. "Y/N, you know the drill." You got in the ring with the both of them, giving them the cue.

"Are you ready?" you asked Michael, him giving you a quick nod. You looked at Jim. "Are you ready." He gave you the same quick nod in return.

"Fight!" you said, throwing your arm up in the air and immediately getting out of the way. You watched as they both shuffled around, getting closer to each other. Michael started with baby jabs, jabs that Jim easily slapped away as the two continued to shuffle around. Jim noticed how quick Michael was on his feet and was going to have to change up his strategy. Michael knew better than to use his magic for an advantage. He wanted this to be fair. Jim took the first real jab, Michael softly grunting as it connected with his side. He backed away slightly from Jim, still shuffling on his feet, but Jim wasn't having it. The more Michael tried to back up, the closer Jim got.

"Remember to not let your opponent corner you." you reminded Michael, knowing that if Jim got him in that corner, it would be over. Michael quickly glanced over at you, Jim taking the opportunity to throw another punch, but Michael deflected that one, hitting Jim in his jaw with a counter, but Jim still didn't stand down. He wanted to box Michael in. Jim grabbed him, the two immediately entering a grapple, Jim's cheek pressed up against Michael's shoulder as he attempted to knee him on the side of his leg.

Michael attempted to switch positions, wanting Jim to be facing away from him, but still wrapped in his arms, but Jim knows that move all too well, so he went stiff as a board, not allowing Michael to move him. Instead, he swept Michael off his feet, slamming him to the ground, wanting to go for the submission early. He wrapped his leg around Michael's throat, pulling his arm all the way back, to the point where Michael thought his shoulder was going to rip out it's socket. Full of energy, he quickly broke that submission, now on his back, but Jim was quick, making his way on top of Michael.

Michael held his hands up, knowing to defend his face as the punches from Jim came. He could deflect them all day and as soon as he felt the energy change in Jim's body, kicked him in his chest so that he would stumble over, attempting a submission of his own. He had seen this one on tv. The triangle choke. He tried to grab of Jim's arms, but Jim scrambled to his feet and so did Michael.

"No one submits me." Jim said. "Ever."

"But you submitted to me last night in my office?" Michael questioned as he shuffled around in circles, forcing Jim to do the same. "My cock looked pretty good in the back of your throat." And that made Jim, angry. And before Michael knew it, Jim's foot had connected with the side of his thigh, making him lose his footing immediately, slamming down into the floor, giving Jim the opportunity to get back on top of him. The punches came too fast for Michael to block, so he flipped over onto his stomach instead, getting on his knees so that Jim would fall off of him. And when he got back up, Jim did too.

"Jim, calm down, remember who-," you began to say, but he had already tuned everything out. It was just him and Michael in the room now. Whack. Another kick came, but this time it was in Michael's side, completely knocking the wind out of him for the second time today. He screamed, falling to the ground, rolling around in pain, but that didn't stop Jim. That didn't signal the end of the match. He walked over to Michael, breathing hard, his tongue pressed up against his bottom lip as he focused on what he was about to do. He was going to do the triangle choke. He kneeled down beside Michael who was still groaning, in pain.

"Jim, stop!" you yelled. "I think he's actually." But Jim didn't seem to hear you. He grabbed Michael's arm, pulling it over his head, causing him to scream again, pain radiating all throughout his side. He wrapped his leg around Michael's neck and shoulder, placing his other leg around his opposite ankle. He squeezed. He squeezed his like his life depended on it, Michael's own arm and Jim's legs, now applying so much pressure to his neck, Michael got light headed. Jim knew he would have to tap or he would pass out in a matter of seconds. "Jim no!" You got in the ring, trying to get Jim off of Michael, but he was determined to get Michael to submit to him.

"Hands..." Michael said, barely above a whisper, so ever lightly tapping Jim's leg, causing Jim to immediately let him go, Michael choking on his own spit, gasping for air, in pain, due to his side. Jim stood up, throwing his gloves off, running out of the ring, hands in his hair as he stormed out of the room.

"Michael." you said, placing your hand on his chest, wanting him to stay still. "Calm down baby, breathe. In 3...2...1. Out 3...2...1."

"My side." he breathed out. You looked at it and the giant bruise waisted no time forming. Michael's eyes went black for a few moments, him scanning over his own body to make sure nothing was broken. He blinked a few times, his eyes returning back to that ocean blue. "This is going to suck for the next couple of days. Where's Jim?"

"He stormed off." you said, fighting back your own tears. "Why can't you just listen?! What if you got seriously hurt."

"Y/N, I'm fine." Michael said sternly.

"He said he didn't want to hurt you, but you made him anyways, Michael." Michael fell silent, knowing good and well that this was his fault. He sighed, groaning as he laid his head back down against the floor, holding onto his side.

In their bedroom, Jim was a teary-eyed mess as he paced back and forth, pulling at his own hair as his cheeks puffed in and out. He had hurt Michael. He knew he did and that's exactly what he didn't want to do. He heard his scream when he fell to the ground. He heard the tear of his muscle as he pulled his arm back over his head and he still didn't stop.

"Fuck." he said to himself as he peeled his shorts off, heading into their bathroom. Their shower, big enough to have a small party in, wall seats, he stepped into, making the water all the way hot. He stood under the water, rinsing the first layer of sweat off, letting his tears fully flow. Not wanting to hear himself cry, he turned on the shower stereo, blasting music as the water changed different colors due to the stereo lights. He rested his head against the shower wall, reaching for the bottle of shampoo when he heard the shower door open.

"Y/N.." he called out. "Is... is... is he okay?"

"No." a voice said, that wasn't yours. "But he will be." Jim bit down on his lip hard as the tears continued to flow.

"Michael I'm so sorry.. I didn't want to. I told you..."

"Sssh." Michael said, limping over to Jim who happened to be by one of the wall seats. He sat down, still holding onto his side. "I pushed you too far, Jim. You did nothing wrong, okay?" Jim looked over at Michael and noticed the large bruise that his so desperately tried to hide.

"I did that, didn't I?" Jim asked, getting riled up again.

"Jim, no, no. It's okay. I promise."

"Don't fucking lie to me, Michael. I- I- I- did that to you!"

"Accidents happen Jim! I know you didn't mean to. I provoked you. I will deal with the consequences of my actions."

"You know, you're not so easy to fucking deal with." Jim said, pacing back and forth in front of Michael.

"I know." Michael groaned as he shifted in his seat, getting some if the hot water on him. He moaned softly as the pulsating jets soothed a small amount of pain in his side "C'mere." Jim stepped directly in front of Michael, getting down on his knees to wedge his way in between his legs. "I appreciate the gesture, but I want you to sit next to me." He listened, carefully getting up as to not slip and fall and joined Michael. He placed his hand softly on Jim's thigh, rubbing it with his thumb.

"Do you know why I fell in love with you, Jim?" Michael asked, staring at his lover.

"No, honestly." Jim answered. "I'm just some fucked up kid from Palos Verdes."

"Jim Mason, don't you ever say that to me again."

"Well it's true."

"I fell in love with you because your soul is still so pure. You have a lot of heart Jim that goes beyond just loving Y/N and I. You're passionate about things. Don't look at this bruise as an attack on me. This is a remind that no one should ever fuck with Jim Mason, right?" Jim stayed silent, tears still running down his face, causing Michael to squeeze his thigh, probing for an answer. "Right?"

"Right." Jim said back, knowing that Michael doesn't like to wait for answers. He took his hand from Jim's thigh, patting his lap. "I don't wanna-,"

"I didn't ask you whether or not you wanted to hurt me. I asked you to sit in my lap." Jim, slowly made his way over to Michael's lap. Michael groaning as Jim sat back again him.

"I can get up." Jim said, but Michael firmly wrapped his arm around his waist.

"There's no need for that."  Michael placed soft kisses along his back, causing Jim to shiver despite being warm from the water. "So precious. My Jim."

"Your Jim." Jim confirmed, causing Michael to smile against his back. "Please don't make me do that again."

"I won't." Michael grabbed Jim's throat, tilting his head back so that their blue eyes met each other's. "But what I will do, Jim Mason, is fuck you senseless in this shower." Jim whined, not only from the pressure his neck, but from the seriousness in Michael's voice and the feel of his growing erection against his bare ass. "You tease me all the time with those little MMA shorts you wear, so tight against your skin, basically begging for one of us to humiliate you."

"Are you guys really about to have fun without me?" you asked, pouting as you opened the shower door, immediately wet by the sight. Michael chuckled softly against Jim's neck, tongue gracing over his jugular, causing Jim's breathing to speed up.

"And look who has made it just in time. Do you still want to show me how fun it is to be hands on?"

Taglist: @jimmason @angelicmichael @whatcodysaid

[irkimatsu]

Okay, after way too much delay - it's my Eurovision 2021 Final Ranking! This took me a while for a lot of factors - took extra hours at work to make sure I could get time off this week, some recent family events... and most relevantly, the fact that this year is so damn good that no matter what, I knew someone was going to get ripped off by ending up somewhere in the bottom half. Just know that being toward the bottom of the list doesn't necessarily mean I dislike it, especially this year - it just means I like other things more. This year is going to be an absolute bloodbath. I am both excited and terrified.

Try not to take my ranking too seriously, by the way - I'm an American who unironically listens to stuff like Scooch and Dolly Style. I'm not exactly a seasoned music critic. I just know what sort of music makes the happiness center of my brain light up, what the hell is music theory

Ranking made with the sorter at http://esc.gerbear.com/sorter2021.htm, then slightly adjusted when it put some songs concerningly low on the list. Okay, so I cheated a little

Firstly, in the interest in completion - if Belarus didn't get disqualified, they'd be in the big fat 40 rank, with a big bold "Hate" right above. Fuck that song. I've only listened to it once and am so glad I have no obligation to acknowledge it any further. Those fucking lyrics. Mother of Christ. Fuck you guys.

I also offer my condolences to Armenia for their having to bow out this year. I'm sure whatever you guys sent, it couldn't have possibly been worse than "Chains On You".

Now, for the songs that actually matter:

Indifferent:

39 – Spain - “Voy a quedarme” by Blas Cantó: Welp, already I’m gonna get shot. I can’t remember how this song sounds at all. I know it’s tender and genuine and sweet and everything… I just… kinda don’t care. Nothing to say. I liked his entry last year even more, and even that was pretty damn dull. Just not destined to be a Blas Cantó fan, I guess!

38 - North Macedonia – “Here I Stand” by Vasil: I’m with most other rankings I’ve seen; what the hell is this? I at least kinda remember it, which is more than I can say for poor Spain, but oh my god it’s so boring. I really liked “You” last year! What the hell happened, Vasil?

37 – Albania - “Karma” by Anxhela Peristeri: Another “oops” from me, huh. It’s another one I immediately forget about the instant it ends. I at least don’t remember it boring the crap out of me, hence it placing higher than Spain and Macedonia, but I still can’t say anything nice about it – or anything at all, really – so I’ll leave it this low. I acknowledge that I’m in the minority, I won’t protest if it qualifies, but personally, it’s not my pick.

36 – Georgia – “You” by Tornike Kipiani: Give him points for passion, I suppose! At least I’m not laughing at him like I was last year. On the other hand, less ridiculous also means more boring. Points for earnestness, but this is just another song that goes right over my head.

35 – Portugal – “Love Is On My Side” by The Black Mamba: An English song from Portugal? That’s new. Too bad it hasn’t rescued the song from the darkest depths of Boring. I will confess that I spice it up a little by associating it with Homura from Osomatsu-san, thus rescuing it from the deepest pits of my ranking list… but it’s still stuck down here. Portugal and I have never gotten along well Eurovision-wise. I’ve come to accept that.

34 – Slovenia – “Amen” by Ana Soklič: I’m gonna call this a song that I respect more than I like. She’s got a great voice, I can’t deny that… but when I’m ranking this purely based on what I’d go out of my way to listen to, this one falls flat. I warned you at the beginning that I have no taste! I’m not normally into straightforward ballads, the religious connotations are lost on me… this isn’t the song for me.

33 – Austria – “Amen” by Vincent Bueno: Back to back “Amen”s! Tip for getting me to like your Eurovision entry, apparently, is “don’t call your song Amen”. It’s a ballad, earnest and trying but overall not my type of music. I’m running out of ways to say that. Breakup song, a tad bitter, we’ve all heard this sort of song so many times before. It doesn’t stand out, and I think it’d be a waste of a spot in the final.

At least, I thought this was a breakup song when I first wrote this, but apparently it’s about the death of a loved one…? I would say that makes me hate the bitterness, but… given how I’m handling a death in my own family right now… god, I don’t know. I just can’t handle this song, not at any time but especially not now. It doesn’t even provide catharsis like a song later on in the list. It stays this low regardless of its meaning, I just don’t like it, I’m sorry, moving on.

…” 'Cause it all feels like you didn't even try to save us, all this time wasted on a lie”… ugh, my personal problems…

32 – Switzerland – “Tout l'Univers” by Gjon’s Tears: Another one I respect more than I like, and another opinion I’m gonna get my ass beaten for, I’m sure. I respect the artistry, but this is so far removed from anything I’d ever listen to on purpose. It might have landed even lower if I wasn’t afraid of pissing people off. I’ll understand if it wins, but I’ll also be hoping for most anything else.

31 – Russia – “Russian Woman” by Manizha: I don’t get it. Sometimes it’s pleasant enough to listen to, but overall I don’t get it. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! I understand why it won its national final, and why so many people enjoy it! But for me, it doesn’t quite cross that line between “interesting” and “enjoyable”. I'm not Russian - this isn't for me, and it wasn't supposed to be. Though I will confess that there may be some bias at play here. God, I miss Little Big…

Okay:

30 – Estonia – “The Lucky One” by Uku Suviste: The voice is okay, the music is okay, I like how the bitterness is handled here more than in Austria’s… but this is still as high as I can go on this one. It’s serviceable, but this year has so much better to offer.

29 – Sweden – “Voices” by Tusse: Sweden really does like sending the same song over and over again, huh? I don’t hate it, but it does strike me as a lesser “Too Late For Love”, sound wise. Sweden almost never takes risks, and it’s causing me to look over them more and more with every year. I respect it too much to put it in the “Indifferent” category, but given how the rest of my ranking played out, this the best I can do for it. (But again, do not trust the opinions of someone who teethed on cheesy Europop and fondly remembers when Sweden was flooded with the stuff…)

28 – Belgium – “The Wrong Place” by Hooverphonic: Once again, Hooverphonic help Belgium fill the role of Eurovision’s “Most Likely To Appear In A Bond Movie” song. It’s fine. It’s a song! I don’t know what else to say about it! It does its job well enough, it’s just not really a job I care for that much.

27 – Ireland – “Maps” by Lesley Roy: It’s cute enough! A cute little radio tune. It’s no “Story Of My Life”, though. If “22” couldn’t qualify then this probably won’t, either, and I can’t say I’ll miss it all that much. Still pleasant enough when it comes up on the shuffle.

26 – Bulgaria – “Growing Up Is Getting Old” by Victoria: I admit it, this ranks as high as it does because of anime and that’s basically it. If I was still doing plain category sortings this would have landed straight in “Biased”. My favorite anime is about a bunch of 20-somethings learning that growing up sucks and trying as hard as possible to avoid it, and I first heard this song around the same time that I watched that show’s relatively melancholy season finale, so it ended up sticking with me on that note. Don’t have much to say about it musically, just that it makes me picture sextuplets crying and that’s one of my hobbies, so I’ll grant it an “Okay”. (It may also worth noting that if I heard this song before 2019, in the state my life was in before then it would have probably left me too inconsolable to listen to it more than once. Growing up is growing old indeed!

…it’s also worth noting that after I wrote this blurb, a major event happened that really enforced that growing up is getting old, so I listened to this quite a bit for a few days, among some other non-Eurovision songs. I’m probably gonna have an emotional breakdown on Thursday when this one starts. So, um, look out for that, guess. Between this one and Austria’s, I swear to god…)

25 – Italy – “Zitti e buoni” by Måneskin: I’ve been trying to get this one to rank higher, I really have, but its inability to crack the top 20 just says a lot about how damn good this year is. It sounds great, it’s very well done, and I wouldn’t hate to see it win! It’s earned its popularity. Everything holding it back in my own personal ranking is just that, personal – I do lose something when I can’t sing along or understand the lyrics, and there’s another rock song this year that I like way better. Still wishing you guys the best!

24 – Netherlands – “Birth Of A New Age” by Jeangu Macrooy: This song has a great style that I respect a lot. The message, the vibe – even if it’s not a culture I’m a part of, I feel and appreciate the hell out of it, and I really hope it does well. I don’t understand why so many people seem to think it’s not interesting! It may not be the sort of thing I’d go out of my way to listen to, but I’m glad it’s here. Catch me singing out “Yu no man broko mi” on Saturday! It’s been a while since I’ve given a shit about a host country’s entry, so I’m really glad for this one.

23 – Romania - “Amnesia” by Roxen: I’ll admit something else unpopular – I hated “Alcohol You” last year. Didn’t see what the big deal was at all. It sounded okay, I guess, but the lyrics were so pretentious and awful, and I’ve never liked the topic of “I love you even though you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you make me feel like shit”. But it seems like in that year, Roxen has discovered that self-love is important, actually, and it’s not worth it spending your time on some shitbag who consistently disappoints you. I appreciate it for that alone. Character growth! Plus, I feel the whole thing of “forgetting how to love yourself because everyone around you sucks”. It’s not the perfect song, not by a long shot, but it has a nice melody, and Roxen has a nice voice. It’s good to hear her using that voice on something I don’t find obnoxious.

22 – Norway – “Fallen Angel” by TIX: Okay, I’ll admit it, this is one where I watched the live video the first time I heard the song, and I was too busy laughing at his outfit to take the song seriously. Jesus Christ, dude, what the hell. Well, that’s Eurovision for you, and the more I listened to it, the more I admitted to myself that I’m a sucker for “I love you but letting you go for your own good, not sure what I ever offered you in the first place” type songs. Knowing the song is inspired by his own disability and self-loathing really twists that knife, to the point where I feel bad that I almost threw this at an anime character. I know I’m usually cold on songs that try to evoke emotions about the singer’s personal problems – Germany 2018, and this year’s Austrian entry – but this one really works for me. Only reason it’s in “Okay” tier is because of its competition – it’d rank way higher in a weaker year.

21 – France – “Voila” by Barbara Pravi: I like a good waltz, I guess! It’s a unique number, and the French language sounds nice, especially with the music. It’s yet another example of how this year is filled with so many interesting entries that I appreciate the hell out of. God bless this diverse year! (Or maybe everything just sounds so good to me because last year’s cancellation left me in withdrawal.) I expect a really nice performance for this one – this song isn’t one you can perform while just standing there, especially not during that speedup toward the end.

20 – Australia – “Technicolour” by Montaigne: That song that sounds like it’s about stripping if you don’t know that she’s saying cloaks. (Guilty as charged.) It’s catchy and fun, and I really love it when it first starts… but unfortunately, it does wear out its welcome toward the end of things. It’s a good party song, just a little repetitive. I still like it just fine, and wouldn’t mind seeing her in the final this year! Hope the performance is colorful and sparkly, it’d suit the song well

Like:

19 – Germany – “I Don’t Feel Hate” by Jendrik: I know stereotyping is bad but I was not remotely surprised to find out that Jendrik is gay. This song is pure gay sass, and god, I love every minute of it. I fully expect it to fall on its ass – this wouldn’t make it to the final if it wasn’t an automatic qualifier – but I’ll have a grand old time watching it! The sarcastic lyrics, the cheerful little ukulele, the middle finger costume… this song is a delight. Only thing that I think really brings it down is that weird spoken bit that interrupts the song. That’s so annoying, brings me right out of it. And I did purposely rank it below songs that aren’t complete shitposts. But thank you for your existence, Jendrik, your contribution to Eurovision is much appreciated.

18 – Israel – “Set Me Free” by Eden Alene: I said it this year and I’ll say it again this year, Eden Alene is a goddess of a woman. Absolutely gorgeous. Appreciation for pretty women aside, it’s a fun party song in a sea of fun party songs! I really do like it, I like her voice, but there’s so much else this year that drowns it out – not much stands out here compared to later entries on the list. Still a good song, though.

…and I do not expect for an instant that this is going to make it to the final. …my personal ranking is based on how the song sounds, okay? Just the song. Just the song. Nothing else. Just the song. Anyway…

17 – United Kingdom – “Embers” by James Newman: What’s this? A UK entry I don’t find bland as off-white paint? That doesn’t happen often! I didn’t like his entry last year, romantic ballad bla bla bla whee, but I’m always down for a good party song. It’s a little generic and radio friendly, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun as hell to sing along with!

16 – Greece – “Last Dance” by Stefania: I really liked last year’s “Supergirl”, but figured it didn’t have too much of a chance because it struck me as being a little too teen poppy to be taken entirely seriously. It seems like Greece thought so, too, because they’ve ramped it up with this year’s entry. They’re not playing around anymore, sending a grand, powerful song that, like “Embers”, is fun as hell to belt. This is another one I’m really looking forward to the live performance for – the music video is gorgeous, and I hope they capture that same majesty on stage!

15 – Moldova – “Sugar” by Natalia Gordienko: Oh, Moldova, I’m so glad you guys decided to be completely batshit again this year. I’ve missed your nonsense so much. Dancing ice cream cones. Cake men. This video is glorious. And the song goes well with the insanity! A catchy dance tune that can only be improved with downright insane staging. Please let the dancing ice cream cones be on stage, I’m begging you

14 – Latvia – “The Moon Is Rising” by Samanta Tina: A unique electronica number backed with a powerful as hell voice. I can see where all the wubbing would get on people’s nerves, but personally, I love it! I love the voice, I love the attitude, Samanta just oozes confidence, and if she doesn’t make it to the final it’s not gonna be because she didn’t give it her goddamn all.

13 – Poland – “The Ride” by RAFAL: Why is this one so unpopular? You people don’t know how to have fun. Yeah, yeah, last year’s “Empires” was a powerful song… but I like my club nonsense much more, so I’m favoring this one. Yet another song that gets me pumped – this whole Contest is gonna leave me with a smile on my face, there’s so much good party music

12 – Azerbaijan – “Mata Hari” by Efendi: Yeah, they’re basically just sending “Cleopatra” again, but “Cleopatra” was so goddamn good that I can’t even blame them for it. This song needed a chance to compete, and I’m glad it’s getting it again this year. I like it so much that I can even forgive the line about being a “godless”. Oh, Europop, don’t you ever change.

11 – Cyprus – “El Diablo” by Elena Tsagrinou: Huh, I didn’t know Cyprus had perfected their Lady Gaga cloning technology. Neat. More seriously, the early 2010’s club vibe of this song is exactly my jam, enough that I can forgive the “I’m in love with a horrible person” theme. (I think I forgive that theme a lot more from catchy party songs than heartfelt ballads I’m actually supposed to feel for.) Hell, I even like the creepy chanting! Sure, it’s a little cheesy, but cheese is always a good ingredient when used in moderation.

(How many songs are we going to get this year, not just in Eurovision, about wanting to fuck devils? I mean, not that I don’t get it… mmm, Akuma Ichimatsu… um. Anyway.)

10 – Czech Republic – “Omaga” by Benny Cristo: And here we enter the top ten of a strong year, where I’d love to see any of them win! Benny, what is with that title. Why. Ah well, like I said earlier, I do like moderate amounts of cheese, and this song is more than fun enough to have earned itself a ridiculous lyric or two. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! The song is just so bouncy and fun that I manage to ignore how pushy the singer is. Another one I expect big things from the staging for.

9 – Lithuania – “Discoteque” by The Roop: Ignoring the current events that surely inspired the song, I do love the more generic “party song for introverts” read on it – if only you knew how many one-person dance parties I’d had in my own house. This song speaks to me deeply. I can’t even begin to call it a joke song; I think it’s doing exactly what it set out to do, and it’s doing it oh so well. God, those synths. Totally okay with dancing alone!

8 – Iceland – “10 Years” by Daði og Gagnamagnið: I want Daði Freyr to adopt me. I don’t even care that he’s younger than me. He’s just such an earnest, fun guy, and I love his 8-bit aesthetic! And come on, he submitted a song about how much he loves his wife! If I ever stop loving this song it’s because my heart shriveled and died. Love isn’t dead, it’s just in chiptune now. I will throw things if this doesn’t make it into the final, do you all have no souls, this is too damn cute

7 – Serbia – “Loco Loco” by Hurricane: Another group I am so excited to see return, because I adored “Hasta La Vista”. I don’t know if I like this one quite as much, but it’s still catchy as hell! I love trying to sing along with it despite not knowing a word of Serbian.

6 – Croatia – “Tick-Tock” by Albina: Another catchy-ass club song! What more can I say? I love how much of this stuff we got this year. I will absolutely be screaming “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go!” Oh god that was cheesy… I’ve been working on this ranking for too long. Don’t know what else to say about this one, just that I adore it. Just barely missed the top 5.

Love:

5 – Malta – “Je Me Casse” by Destiny: This girl’s got pipes– not surprised to hear she won the Junior contest before! I get major “Toy” vibes from this song, and you all know just how much I adored that one. Aaa, those horns! Expecting big things from you, Destiny! We may have our winner!

4 – San Marino – “Adrenalina” by Senhit – As much of a soft spot I had for last year’s “Freaky”, I don’t think it was gonna make it into the final, unless Senhit had the blessing of the same angels who were looking out for Serhat in 2019. This one, though? San Marino tasted the final two years ago and they are never giving it up again! This song goes hard! Love the song, love the video’s aesthetic, I even kinda like Flo Rida’s rap, even though I’m still baffled by the idea that I have been regularly listening to a song featuring Flo Rida on purpose. I don’t know what he’s doing here but I’m glad he is. Please, please make it to the final, San Marino! You clearly want the hell out of it this year! Favorite club song in a year of amazing club songs.

3 – Finland – “Dark Side” by Blind Channel: After spending about five seconds disappointed that Finland wouldn’t be sending Pandora this year, I gave this song a shot, and was not expecting what it gave me. I feel like an angsty middle schooler again, and it is bliss. This is everything Hatari wanted to be, but unlike Hatari who just confused me, I absolutely love the hell out of this song. …some of those lyrics, though. “27 Club, headshot, we don’t wanna grow up”? Yikes. But as dark and questionable as it might be, I can’t help but get pumped when I hear it. Definitely my favorite rock song of the year – sorry, Italy!

2 – Denmark – “Øve os på hinanden” by Fyr & Flamme: I love you, 1983. I don’t care how dated it is when my entire soul consists of a disco ball. The song’s so damn cute! This is the one member of my top 5 that I’m most terrified of losing – I know it’s not popular, with everyone calling it dated, but my top 5 always has that dated song that I love the hell out of becauseit sounds so classic. The translated lyrics are adorable, too. Even if you guys flame out in the semi, you’ll live on in the disco in my heart.

Favorite:

1 – Ukraine – “Shum” by Go_A: Holy fucking shit. There’s something about the blending of traditional and electronic that gets me hyped – see KEiiNO – and this one does not disappoint. The last minute of this is the best minute of Eurovision this year, and god, the buildup! I don’t even know Ukrainian but I am trying my damnedest to get the lyrics down, phonetically, at least. You know that “dancing goths” meme video? That’s me whenever this song comes on, especially during that speed up. Love the hell out of it. Could Ukraine be on its way to another victory already? I sure hope so, because this song fucking rules. Definitely checking out the rest of the discography someday, if all of their songs are in this folktronica style then they’ve gotta be a treat to listen to. Go Ukraine!

Ideal Qualifiers (favorite of each semi in bold):

Semi 1

Australia

Azerbaijan

Croatia

Cyprus

Israel

Lithuania

Malta

Norway

Romania

Ukraine Semi 2:

Czech Republic

Denmark

Finland

Greece

Iceland

Latvia

Moldova

Poland

San Marino

Serbia

This is definitely not what's going to happen - there is no universe where Switzerland and Sweden don't make it - but it'll be interesting to compare the reality to my hopes.

Let's go, Eurovision 2021

[ohpsshaw]

~DFS Christmas Special~

No desire to draw lately, so I’ve been doing little prose sketches instead.

Just in time for December, here’s what turned out to be Uncle Jack taking Al Christmas shopping. This would be circa 199X B.G. (Before Glenn), making Al in his early 20s.

(Watch out if you have high blood sugar, cos this gets KINDA SACCHARINE.)

It had finally stopped snowing, thank goodness. The fresh white blanket reflected crisp light in through the windows, making him feel chilled inside. Luckily Pop was a comfort creature who kept a stock of hot chocolate mix in the pantry. Al never seemed to reach for it back at his apartment, but something about visiting home in the winter months made a warm mug feel as essential as a limb.

Uncle Jack had asked Al to accompany him for some holiday shopping later, and a chocolate briquette would be good to have heating his gut. He took it to the couch in the living room. Someone had dug up the old photo books and left them on the coffee table a few days ago. Flipping through, he noticed that half the pages were completely empty— photography had never been a popular concept in the Czar household. The preserved moments were of family trips and landmarks, rambunctious sepia-washed office parties, Al’s school portraits. Rarer was anything taken inside the house. One shot of himself at four or five years old, standing on the yellow-sunlit staircase and showing the camera a toy car, surfaced a memory of being coached to keep his mouth closed so as not to alarm a 1-hour photo developer. Thinking on it, it may have been more than coincidence that most of these were instant Polaroids.

Through the window, he heard the muffled sound of a car door, then: “What the fuck are you doing!?” Hey, Pop’s home. Al pulled back the curtain to watch the drama unfolding at the end of the driveway, where Uncle Jack had been chipping at the wall of powder the afternoon snowplow had left. Xav had just returned from morning errands and parked in the street, storming over the slush to stop his brother from working.

Cold air blasted from the foyer. Snow crunched as Xav shook out the snow shovel behind him. “Why was he doing this by himself? Did you become a quadriplegic when I wasn’t looking?”

Al flipped through the Rolodex in his head for the answer that would earn him the least amount of grief. He shrugged, as if confused by the absurdity of the question. “He didn’t ask.”

“I didn’t ask, Max.” Jack took the shovel back. “But you’re right, I should have. Reckon it was my vanity what did me in— I can’t stand to be upstaged by some young buck doing the same job in half the time.” He winked at his nephew. “Well, three-quarters.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Xav spat, the corners of his mouth curling up against his will. “You both know I’m not being unreasonable. You’re not a guest, Alan Henry. As far as I’m concerned, you still live here. You earn your keep during the day, and MAYBE I’ll consider putting on my robe and letting you suckle dinner from my left tit.”

Al choked on his hot chocolate.

“Shit. Careful on the carpet. I’ll get you a paper towel.” Xav left for the kitchen, grumble-exorcising demons as he walked. “If Papa caught one of us sitting on our ass while the other did chores...”

Why did Pop have to save his best lines for when people were eating? Bent over and lapping chocolate out of the crevices of his palm, Al thought he saw a piece of marshmallow among the bubbles. Heh... hope that didn’t come out of his nose.

“You still need me to shovel?” he asked Jack.

“Son, I would be honored,” Jack nodded, holding the shovel on the doormat like a knight leaning on an orange sword. “Gitcher boots on and you can finish the job before we head out. I’ll make sure your Pop watches the show from inside.”

Xav returned with the towels and a smirk. “Talking shit about me, Jack?”

“I was just sayin’ how you’ll hate to see us go, but you’ll love to watch us walk away.”

“Got that fucking right.” Al cleaned his face while Xav dabbed each of his fingers individually. An oddly tender gesture. “What are you two going out for, exactly?”

“Juuust... shoppin’. I need Alan’s opinion on somethin’.”

“Uh-huh.” Secrets being a rare and dangerous thing in this family, there wasn’t much question as to what this was really about. Especially between brothers who were as close as twins. But the holidays were about giving, after all, so Xav seemed to decide to give them the benefit of the doubt. A game is more fun when everybody plays along.

Truthfully, even Al wasn’t sure what they were going to get for his father. A successful family man hitting his sixties doesn’t want for much. By this point, Xav had enough neckties and “#1 Dad” mugs to be buried surrounded by them like a pharaoh. Jack could always steal the show by reaching into his deep D.D.S. pockets or by making a new piece of furniture, but the son was held to no such standards. Xav had simple hobbies, and he seemed to have the house exactly how he wanted it. Was Al too old to make a coupon book, redeemable for hugs and remembering to use a coaster?

Or maybe his gift to Pop could be giving college another shot. Dropping out had caused some... friction, a flint-strikes-wood situation that had led to Al moving out of the house, and eventually out-of-state. He had to admit, the independence felt good. Putting his shoes on the coffee table, not having to tell anyone where he was going... he’d definitely become more promiscuous. No independent murders, though, which was starting to grate on him. He’d realized lately that he had always expected to be allowed to do more, without his father and uncle. Maybe if he did what Pop wanted, things would calm down so he could move back to Michigan and use the cabin. But the idea of sitting in another classroom, taking notes on a subject he didn’t care about, all for the promise of 50 years chained to a desk... It made him want to sleep forever.

When the car pulled up to the mall, Al was not surprised at all by the entrance his uncle had chosen. “Mind if I peek in Sears?” Jack asked, as if wild horses could stop him.

Home improvement and appliance stores were another phenomenon Al only seemed to experience at home. The dusty, unvarnished smell and high ceilings had been a frequent backdrop during his childhood— for Jack, they seemed to be akin to a candy store. He was talented as a carpenter and repairman, and sincerely relished something going wrong with the house if it meant he could pull out his toolkit. He also liked to make things go wrong with human bodies on occasion, but there was a separate box for those tools waiting up at the cabin.

Two steps in the door, and a weary-looking holiday hire hit them up with a canned pitch: “...and I’m happy to help you find whatever’s on your list!“ Aggressive customer service, the bane of the paranoid shopper. Jack was the front line for shaking off overly helpful greeters, which Xav had called “the second-worst thing to come out of the 80s after Iran-Contra.”

“Just lookin’, God willing— I brought my conscience with me to make me behave,” Jack looked to his nephew. “Don’t let me buy a single screw, y’hear?”

“Got it. Bulk purchases only.” That earned Al a shove.

Salesperson successfully deflected, Jack ducked toward his usual corner: the big ticket carpentry goods. When Al caught up, he was running his hand over a table saw. As much as he loved his uncle, Al wasn’t particularly interested in watching him fantasize about cutting wood, or even bone. “You have a project in mind?”

“A bit of a science experiment, next time we play cards,” Jack’s pupils darted along the equipment, still in reverie. “I’ve been readin’ a book about crucifixions, and how they affect the body.”

“Oh, that’s seasonal.”

“‘Course, I won’t be able to try it ‘til next year. You think your Pop would let me pick out a rabbit by April?” Jack chuckled. He was not talking about the Easter bunny. “We can see if she comes back to life after three days.”

Al snorted. “Jesus.”

“Precisely. Y’know, Christ is usually depicted with holes in his hands, but in actuality, the Romans would have put the nails through his wrists.” Jack picked up Al’s arm to demonstrate, dancing fingers across his palm. “Ain’t much to take hold of in here. It’s too fragile and open-ended. But if you move up the arm,”— he pressed his thumb into the straightened portion of Al’s median nerve— “You can hook the radius and the ulna. Much better support.” Jack’s eyes flickered with glee. “And it hurts like a bitch!”

“Wait, are you going to go first, or last?” Playing cards was usually a once-a-year affair, and the night Al looked forward to the most. If Jack snuffed her out before he had his turn...

“Oh, don’t worry, son. Done right, she could last for days.” Not that she would, since Pop would probably have something to say about that. “I just want to try, er... doin’ as the Romans do. And who knows, maybe you’ll like it. Every bachelor eventually needs to have a girl nailed down!”

They cackled and then shushed each other, wincing like sneaky little boys at the idea that someone would hear them over the store’s ambient shopping muzak. They really shouldn’t talk like this in public, even with code words and euphemisms. Though over the years they’d learned that people can be experts at ignoring what’s right under their noses. Certainly none of the men had ever overheard anyone else planning a murder.

“It’s just a pipe dream, I’m still in the plannin’ stages,” Jack added. “Ain’t even got the lumber yet. So if you wanna put some packages under the tree that are, say, 4-by-6 and 72 inches long... I promise to be shocked when I unwrap ‘em.”

Al’s attention shifted over his uncle’s shoulder, to a shelf of handheld orbital sanders. Al was more of a hands-on kind of guy— he still got a little queasy thinking about Jack’s experiment to see which sandpaper grit was the best at removing skin.

“So what was it you wanted me to look at? I don’t think Pop needs a crucifix for Christmas.”

“Oh, I’m just killin’ time before our appointment.”

“Appointment?”

“At the photo studio. I want you to give your Pop a picture.”

“...of us?”

“Naw, just you.”

Al loved that. “Yeah, that’d be hilarious. Merry Christmas, Pop, I got you me!”

A pause. “Oh, you’re serious.”

“As a heart attack, son. It’s just what he needs.”

“Do you have, I don’t know, a backup plan?” Al faltered. “Something less self-centered? I’m not exactly his favorite person right now. He kind of thinks I’m a failure.”

“Alan, you are not a failure. You are...” Jack patted his nephew’s cheek. “An unbroken mustang who has not yet found his ranch. And your father is just tryna keep you from bein’ sold as horse meat.” He slid them into a far aisle for more privacy. “He worries about you a lot, and he misses you somethin’ fierce.”

Al chewed his cheek. “Well, talk to him about showing it sometime.”

“No, son,” Jack took him by the shoulder, looking around to make sure they were alone. “Your father cries. At night when he talks about you, he starts wellin’ up like a waif. He doesn’t need to hear that you know about it, but it’s the God’s honest truth. All he talks about is wantin’ you back home.”

“I think movin’ out has been good for you, and I’m happy you did it. But it wounded him to his core. You’re his heart, kid.”

Al wasn’t sure how he was taking this information, but he knew how he was supposed to. He scrunched his eyes closed and took a deep breath.

“Okay... If you’re completely sure he won’t think it’s stupid.”

“Are you kiddin’? He’ll put it on the nightstand.” Jack grinned. “And if you smile for it real nice, I’ll take you to that steakhouse in the plaza after.”

Al cocked an eyebrow. “You were gonna go there anyway.”

“Yes. Yes, I was. But won’t you enjoy your ribeye that much more knowin’ you’ve earned it?” Mmn, maybe. “Besides... did you have any better ideas?”

⬥ ⬥ ⬥

Come Christmas Day, Xav had unwrapped the waist-up portrait and just said “thank you”— which was worrying because he was usually much more verbose than that— and gone silent in his chair. At least he wasn’t mad. Al looked to Jack, who smiled knowingly and handed him a package to keep the gift exchange going.

Al figured it was because Jack had given him something funny, but then he heard his father breathe in sharply.

“Maudit tabarnak... you fucking assholes,” Xav’s voice sounded high and squeaky, like it was being squeezed through slabs of rock. He ducked his chin into his bedshirt collar to hide his face.

“You, fucking... why’d you have to...” He shook his hand at the framed photo. Oh boy, he really did hate it. The whole idea was idiotic. Al had sat in front of that artfully-mottled green backdrop and squinted for a man with a bow tie and no indoor voice for nothing, except for the sheer discomfort of it. And a ribeye steak with a baked potato.

Xav blinked up at the ceiling and gulped, his Adam’s apple fluctuating grotesquely. Eventually he seemed to find his voice again. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having pictures taken, so I could make sure he had his fucking hair combed?” He showed them the photo. “Look at his bangs— they’re all over the fucking place.”

Al had to admit, they did look a little wild. “Aw, shoot. Sorry, Pop,” he laughed.

Jack tutted. “I think it looks nice. Rugged.”

“That’s because you don’t know how to comb your hair either, Jack.” Xav brought the photo back into his lap, looking it over. “Looks like he fought a bear before sitting down. But don’t worry, I still like it. You look handsome, kid. Maybe I can find some space on my nightstand.” Al and Jack exchanged victory grins, and didn’t catch Xav wiping tears from both eyes.

[willa-marino]

So this is what Damon has been up to. 

Willa knows she shouldn’t be surprised. And part of her isn’t, not really, not when Damon hands her the keys to the apartment in the same neighborhood that turns out to be directly across the street from Faris’s, not when he tells her he’d like her to take over from him this weekend doing surveillance because he has a contract that will take him out of the country, not when he asks her to aid him in tracking her movements, where she goes, who she sees. She’s surprised, but then she’s not. Damon is private, even more so than she herself is. He only lets her - everyone, really - see what he wants them to. 

But Willa doesn’t like this. And she understands almost immediately why he’s been keeping this, her, the woman, this reporter, Faris, a secret. 

She’s beautiful, that much is obvious. Willa catches a glimpse of long, shining dark hair that nearly falls to her waist the Saturday morning she lets herself into the apartment. High cheekbones, skin like satin. She can understand Damon’s…. Fascination, perhaps? She knows how men covet beauty, and he’s no exception to this, assassin or no. But there’s an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, and she settles into the high-backed swivel leather chair at the desk near the window, logs into the sleek desktop computer with the password he’d given to her. 

Willa taps her fingers against the glass desk, her gaze on the windows, out across the street, into Faris’s apartment. The other woman is home, and it looks like she’s cooking a meal for herself. She makes a sound under her breath, Willa, and she crosses her bare legs underneath the table, her gaze flickering down to the gold stiletto heel of her designer pumps before she glances out of the window again. 

“Christ, Damon,” she says softly to herself, and leans over to rummage through the file of information he’d collected, her thin hands deftly maneuvering through sheets of loose-leaf paper containing Damon’s handwriting. She catches glimpses of things that don’t immediately make sense to her: Chanel perfume, titles of books, foods, even several different coffee orders. Her mind trips over itself and Willa realizes what it is: it’s a list, threaded through the notes he’s gathered over Faris, a list of her favorite things, her hobbies, her interests. 

A cold feeling worms its way into her belly and stays there. Willa feels almost breathless with the knowledge, knowledge he’s given her. She wonders if he really trusts her enough to let her see; because of course she would go through this case file, of course she would see his painstakingly handwritten notes, his set-up in this apartment, so close to Faris’s. 

Nothing is a coincidence, Willa tells herself grimly. She runs a finger lightly across Damon’s handwriting, over where he’d written Chanel No. 5. She looks out of the windows again. The sun is shining brightly through the glass, warming her skin despite the internal chill she feels. 

Doesn’t he know how dangerous this is? 

Her bag is sitting on the floor by her chair. Willa reaches for it almost out of instinct, pulling it up onto her lap, undoing the intricate metal catch, reaching for her cellphone, and - after a second thought - some lip balm. Fuck it, her lips are dry. 

She reapplies first, and then unlocks her phone with a swipe of her thumb, clicking into the FaceTime app and scrolling for a second through her contacts before she taps the name she needs. 

Sutton picks up on the fourth ring. 

Willa grins at the other girl, leaning herself forward slightly in the chair and propping her chin up in her palm. She peeks at herself in the little square on the screen before her eyes go back to Sutton, who seems to be having a conversation with someone out of frame. 

“One sec,” Sutton mouths to her, lifting a single finger, and she sets her phone down. 

Willa counts in her head, One, one thousand, two, one thousand, three….

“Okay,” Sutton grabs up her phone again and her face fills her screen. “What’s up?”

“Operation: Stake Out is a go,” Willa says, using her pinky finger to fix the edge of her lip balm. “And it’s worse than I thought. He’s keeping detailed notes of this woman, like where she goes when she’s not working, her fucking hobbies…. ” 

Sutton has stepped into the bathroom of what looks like a hotel suite. Her voice echoes when she speaks again. Her nose wrinkles delicately at Willa’s words. “Okay, gross. I still say what I said before. You should just kill her. She sounds like a liability.”

“Sutton,” Willa says, rolling her eyes heavenward, but she knows the other girl has a very salient point. On the one hand, yes, it would be better for Faris to die. Damon was in deeper than Willa thinks he even realizes. If The Eye, if Konstantin, finds out what he’s been doing, it’ll be trouble for him, and trouble for herself. Despite their sometimes tense relationship, Willa cares for Damon in a way she has not let herself care about anyone in years. And certainly not another man. But he’s being selfish. And she knows that selfishness could quickly become carelessness. 

Don’t make it personal, he always told her, knowing that where she came from, she never would. Never even wanted to. But this, this is personal. She looks at his handwriting again, blowing out air through her lips. She shakes her head, the blonde strands floating around her face, catching onto the sunlight. Her vision flares gold for a second. 

On the other hand, Faris can’t die. Or, rather, Willa won’t be the one to kill her. Faris is innocent. Maybe not of digging into Damon’s past and present, maybe not about The Eye, but she’s innocent of any actual crime. Willa does not see the need for murder if it is pointless. It will not be her hand on the gun. And Damon would never forgive her if she killed Faris. What strands of trust exist between her and Damon now would burn, and she would have no one. She scratches away something at the back of her neck -- the idea of loneliness, perhaps. No, Faris will live. For now, anyway. 

But this game Damon is playing - and now, Willa supposes, herself as well - could very well get them all killed. She owes him, though, owes Damon. More than he probably knows. 

“I’m just saying,” Sutton replies, her tone a little dry, though her gaze is intense even via FaceTime. Willa shares her look for a moment, and then nods tightly. 

“No, I know. It’s just not that easy. I’ll call you later.” 

After another minute or so of conversation, both Willa and Sutton hang up. Willa places her phone down gently onto the desk and pushes the chair back, standing. She smooths her silk skirt down against her thighs with her palms, walks around the desk to stand at the window, her hands skimming her hips. Faris is still cooking, her back to Willa, distracted by a saucepan she has going on the stove. 

From the back of her skirt, Willa pulls out her small hand gun, a Sig P365, and lifts it, her hands steady. She cocks her head to the side as she trains the gun on the apartment across the street, through the windows of the other woman’s apartment, right against her crown of shining brown hair. Willa narrows her eyes, fingering the trigger, expelling the knot of anxious energy in her spine with one low exhalation of air. 

Just as quickly, Willa lowers the gun. Sets it down on the desk. She turns from the windows, the view of Faris, her apartment, all of it, and walks back to her seat, claiming it once again. 

No, Faris will not die today, and certainly not by her hand. But Willa thinks it will only be a matter of time. Faris’s has already begun to run out, whether the other woman realizes it or not. Whether Damon realizes it or not.

[rpbetter]

Let me get this straight.. a roleplay resource/meme blog decide to screenshot someone's rules and call them out because of what they wrote? when obviously those who follow them could easily tell. Frist of all whatever rule someone wrote isn't there for one to go out of their way to bad mouth them. If there's something in a persons rule I don't like I'll be an adult and move the fuck on, not screenshot it and drag their name through the dirt. Christ! at this point I don't trust no one who runs those resource/meme blogs. They might hurt someone else with their nosy asses. And that Raven person needs to grow the hell up and stop playing the victim. Do something else with their life, stop living off the internet.

Yep, you've got Phase One down straight, Anon.

And the rest of what you've said is was what got multiple other people called out or differently aggressed at, that's what the response was to the rules being posted and...we're going to say opined on for the point of shaming.

You're right and they were right as well. It doesn't matter how strict or aggressive someone is in their rules, if you find that or anything else about them objectionable, that RPer is obviously not for you. That's a very important part of reading a RPer's rules, it isn't just about their reply speed, preferred topics, or tagging needs. It's also about gauging whether this is a person you're going to work out with or not based on both the actual rules themselves and how you feel about the way they're presented.

You just ascertain that, feel as annoyed or salty or even offended as you so desire, and move on. Like an adult.

It was never going to be that way, though, Raven specifically went to that blog to be a nuisance and call them out. They were already invested in doing so from a perspective of having decided this RPer was being ableist because a post that reflected the statements made in those rules far more nicely and more applicable to their followers was taken that way. Somehow. Raven took it upon themselves to ignore that the mun did make multiple statements regarding the entire thing, including polite ones when their post wasn't being reblogged with maximum hostility and accusations and constant throwing around of the statement "full stop" like lol please, take your own advice. Because, yep, full stop it's valid to have whatever opinion you do, it isn't valid to jump on someone's post like that and be upset when they aren't nice to you about it.

Also took it upon themselves to ignore that the mun is also autistic, which was the crux of Raven being a dick about it. This isn't fair to ND people, you're being ableist, it is my holy mission to decide who and what is ableist, broker no discussion from anyone that doesn't support my behavior, because I'm autistic and this upsets me personally. Probably because that mun doesn't repeatedly make it a big deal on their blog and on their every PSA. Making a not wild assumption there, since I don't either, and I was also an ableist swine for disagreeing. At the same time that I like myself too much, I hate ND people lol if you figure that one out, let me know.

That's been a lot of the issue here. Many if not most of the muns they ended up doing the most damage to are mentally ill, autistic, chronically ill, and so on. It was fully irrelevant to Raven and Co, despite all of them espousing that we never know what is going on in the lives of others.

That's why we really need to just feel whatever we're feeling and not interact instead of going on a crusade.

As you said, this RPer's mutuals, writing partners, and friends were all quite aware of their rules. Those rules have existed for the better part of four or five years as they are today, the people who have chosen to interact are on the same page with them, and it must be working out well. After all, Rules Mun was so deep in enjoying their hobby that it took a random, concerned, good resource/help blog they reblog from often telling them that their rules were being drug around the RPC quite a bit after the fact for them to know. I'd say that would probably mean their interactions and friendships weren't exactly negatively impacted by their tone.

And those people, as well as former writing partners and mutuals-in-law very much did know it was that mun's rules, yeah. You really have shot yourself in the foot when RPers with some animosity between each other take issue with what you've done to one of them, and that did actually happen as well. People knew.

Furthermore, since that mun didn't know for some time, even if they had been inclined to change the rules to appear like it wasn't them for the sake of anonymity, it wouldn't have been hard to find them. It was still identical to how it appeared Raven's posts (yes, posts, multiple), the mun was already getting shit for their PSA from the same group, and like everyone else, has an identifiable pattern in their OOC speech. They were quite identifiable.

In no way was not just dropping the URL doing anyone any favors. It was just keeping that mun from going directly to Raven and being the polar opposite of myself in the way I tried to address it. Like everything else, it was Raven insulating Raven while trying to incite bullying and bullshit.

Sadly, I agree with you on the meme/resource blogs. I can think of such a small handful of them that I feel are trustworthy adults not interested in stirring up trouble. I'd love to recommend them, but at this point, I'm really afraid of mentioning anyone directly in a positive way. I would feel so horrible if I said, "hey, everyone, the following meme muns are helpful, have a great reputation, and are very nice people, please give them a follow if you haven't already" and it ended up in them losing followers or gaining harassment because I said it.

I don't reblog many memes because that isn't my primary function here, but when I do find those that I feel are very unique, helpful to muse development, and so on, I don't reblog from sources that give me red flags. So, that's probably a good clue!

I'm just sorry this is such an environment of mistrust and bad will, it so easily can be otherwise by doing precisely as you've said. We've all a right to having issues with things, we even have the right to argue with each other, but we don't have the right to turn it into bullying and mob rule. When you have a blog that isn't your more private space of a RP blog, you're taking on a responsibility to be a bit better than giving in to our actual worst inclinations. It's just even worse because this entire experience proves that there are far more RPers here who feel the way you do. It really is a comparative handful of muns out there pulling this kind of shit, but unfortunately, that's all it takes when they're engaging in full-time harassment campaigns and extremely loud about it.

Thanks for being one of the many adults here, Anon! I promise you're not as alone as it seems. We all just tend to be far quieter.

[taeguboi]

BTS HC - Lockdown

In which each BTS member lives with y/n

I’m hoping these imagines might lighten the mood for anyone who might be feeling a bit lonely right now.

Please see the end of post first if you need some context or wish to see the notes

RM

Has good balance of me time and us time

steps back when you both need space

sitting in the back yard on some chair reading a book

taking in the sun

The restrictions don’t hinder him from making sure you both get plenty of sun and fresh air

it isn’t much but in week 1, he gave the back yard a little tidy up

turned it into a place to chill out

so there aren’t any flower planted or decor

but it makes all the difference

there’s chairs, a table and a parasol

to you, this is perfect

Spot of tea under cooler weather

or orange juice under the sun

Board games at the table in the back yard

you tried cards once out there but even just the slightest breeze...

“Goddammit!!!”

The card games are for when it rains

or for when neither of you quite feel like going out today

He swears you’re cheating at UNO

you swear he’s just really bad at it

turns out he keeps saving those wild 4 draw cards too long

which you gather over his last 3 rage quits 

because he just slings the cards, revealing them to you

“You play it too safe” you tell him

so he plays it a bit less safe

“Yes! Finally I won!”

“OH! Look at that!” you smile

he smiles back because of how proud you...

“...it’s sunny again!”

‘Goddammit y/n...’

Shopping trips together

not so helpful when the rules get stricter

“One adult at a time please...”

oh dear

who goes in?

so you go in

“Crap! Namjoon has the shopping list!”

this period of time really shows how you complete each other

pretty much every day you each think

“what would I do without him/her?”

Random talks

he tells you about this one book he read

and now you want to read it

so you do

and you can’t take your eyes off it

you find a new love for reading

so sometimes when you both need me time

you remain in the same room, just reading a book each

Every day you feel enlightened

almost sad at the thought of going back to normal life

because you won’t have as much time for yourself

Jin

Everyone is suddenly having the time to cook from scratch

imagine Jin’s frustration since he did this all along

so when certain things he usually gets aren’t in stock

“Oh for crying out loud!”

you sometimes have to calm him down when shopping

and since only 1 adult in at a time it’s like a really awkward phone call

you’re just stood outside alone like

“For Christ’s sake Jin! Calm down!”

but he makes every meal taste great anyway

“Sorry it doesn’t have the usual...”

“Jin, please!” you reply

because it’s still really yummy because

“you’re still the best cook in the world, okay?”

“Okay fine...” he sighs “Thank you”

can I just add here food is the only time you both get hysterical at each other

He still low key hoard particular ingredients when he FINALLY can get them

and you have to explain how irrational he’s being

“We don’t need SIX tubes of tomato puree!”

“Jin... How are we going to use up all THIS fruit and veg before it goes off?”

But he’s not selfish, no

if he’s in a shop and sees someone elderly, he helps them out

“Would you like me to reach that for you?”

“Do you need any toilet paper? There’s 2 packs left - here”

“Here’s my number; let me know if you need me to run any errands for you”

ahh you’re lucky to be living with such a gentleman

Daily walks in the park to feed the ducks

“This is the best kind of exercise” he tells you “...relaxed and where you can connect with nature”

some of the ducks at the beginning of the lockdown are a bit nutty

Jin may or may not be low key scared of that one goose

“I swear it’s giving me the evils”

it may or may not have chased him the second day in

“Wahhhhhh!!!”

*Jin running away in the distance*

You cooked for him that evening

“Honey, I don’t know how to put this...”

“Aw sweetie it’s okay about what happened in the park; I mean you were the one holding the bread and...”

“oh no no” he replies. “this meal is awful”

r00d

but it’s okay

you knew the minute you offered to make dinner it wasn’t going to turn out well

so you both agree the kitchen will be his space to work his magic in during lockdown

and he somehow gets better than he already is at cooking

just woowwww

foodgasm

but neither of you get podgy

Lazy exercises together

chair exercises watching the tv

small periods of jogging in the woods

“oh wow, what’s that?”

you come across some random squirrel

and all of a sudden trips to the park for that daily walk 

it turns into a nature watch

bird watching

luckily he forgets about the angry goose

Sometimes talking about what you miss

and then promising to do all of those things when everything is back to normal

so many plans

and it helps you both stay optimistic

because you just created a bunch of stuff to look forward to

Suga

Late night movie marathons

and accidentally getting into a routine of late mornings late nights

Cooking together

because neither of you want to do it

but someone has to

can’t live on instant food for all this time

Night time walks

less people, less danger

please don’t yell at me if we’re not supposed to do this in real life I haven’t actually been out that late during lockdown hahaha

it’s only around a few blocks

but deep talks, you know

There may not be much room in the back garden

but you have a ball and a hoop

basketball together

he teaches you to shoot better

“yes! I did it!”

*he hugs you from behind*

sorry that was gay

He’s actually quite chill about the whole lockdown situation

almost like he forgets the circumstances sometimes

“I think I might nip down to _____’s house today...”

“Uh, Yoongi, remember?”

“Oh yeah”

Detective series marathons too

the two of you trying to figure out whodunnit

sometimes even low key bets or light arguments if you disagree

a mildly sore loser when you’re correct

smug af when he is correct

Evenings lounging in the back yard with the drink of your choice

some quiet music on 

random hypothetical conversations and questions about life

“what if...”

“what happened to...”

“don’t you think that cloud looks like a goldfish?”

Board games that keep the brain stimulated

why is he so good at scrabble

you can’t recall a game you’ve won

but no monopoly

not after the last time

“I want a divorce!”

“We’re not married”

“Yet”

tbf you might as well be an old married couple

because there’s those films you just watch over and over

close to unlocking the power of mind reading

“want a cup of tea?”

“omg I was about to ask that”

Some days you get on each other’s nerves a little though

so you each occupy yourselves with little chores

and even though you weren’t in the mood to do anything together

you’ve just made the house look great in a day as a team

and you’ve got everything you need just in time for dinner

“I’m proud of us”

“I’m proud of us too”

J-Hope

Picnics in the back garden

much better than one in the park though

there’s no packing involved

there’s cushions

sometimes low key fine dining

your favourite is the one evening picnic the other day

you had been shopping alone for the essentials

and he wanted to surprise you

he had set up a makeshift table out of a few old crates

did the cooking

the pasta dish was lovely

there was even dessert

okay the dessert was M&S

fairy lights

seriously you swear you weren’t out for that long how did he manage all of this so fast?

wine

staring at the stars

and there were blankets too

dozing off until early hours of the morning

finally coming indoors at like 2am

sleeping in til noon oops haha

then binge watching some random show together 

and now it’s your new favourite

For some reason you have a big stock of popcorn

watching any old crap on the TV as an excuse to eat it

like there’s 3 films on this afternoon that sound shite

but you’re going to watch them all anyway

and the third one is actually really good

more popcorn more films

“we should probably go out at some point...”

whoops it’s been like 4 days now

and now it’s raining damn

fuck it, you go out anyway

dancing in the rain in an empty park

followed by shivering on the walk home

he gets in the shower first

but then runs a lovely hot bath for you

candles, bubble bath, the works

just so you can have some relaxing time to yourself

so thoughtful

lockdown doesn’t mean needing to compromise on showing you love each other

Jimin

You’re not quite sure how you got pulled into this

but Jimin decided to make use of his YouTube following

Virtual dance classes

and fun little exercise sessions for all the family

He does the dance classes solo

but he loves to flaunt you to the world even in lockdown

“Today joining me for this session... my lovely significant other, y/n!”

at first you felt uncertain and a little conscious

but thanks to Jimin your confidence grew

He helps you stay positive during a tough time

and you even feel like your self improvement has been going amazingly well

he even inspires you to make your own channel

to show the world what you love; [insert hobby/interest here]

people love the both of you

they go to Jimin’s channel to keep fit and happy

and your channel just fills them with joy

But not everything revolves around the virtual world

Care packages for all of your friends

food and other essentials get mailed to the ones that lost their jobs

and for the ones still working, a bundle of stuff for their mental well being

and a little drawing with rainbow colours in each

and a positive message

Woolly jumpers, cushions and hot chocolate

sweater paws

Sometimes in the evening you doze off

like you fall asleep just as you are

and you wake up to the smell of food and a blanket over you

Sometimes you miss your friends

and Jimin hates to see you down

so he organises a big surprise

his hands over your eyes as he walks you into the living room

“surprise!” you hear over the laptop

and then Jimin hands you some gifts 

he asked them all a few days ago to send you something meaningful

and your heart just melts

and you may or may not cry a little in front of your friends on the video call

you just have to do something in return so

You make the living room all nice whilst he’s making a video in the garden

wow you’re actually quite proud

the lighting is just right

the improv decor is actually somewhat aesthetic

“Honey, why’s it so dull in here..... Woah, what’s this?”

“Dinner’s ready” you smile

and you have a gift for him too

you can’t wipe the smile off his face when he sees it

a scrapbook of memories between you and him

which you look through after eating

“We’re going to make more memories like this once this blows over”

V

Lots of online socialising

Calls with his friends 

which you always end up being a part of in the background with your commentaries

Cute online double dates with Jimin and/or your best friend

Will try everything and anything to kill the boredom

“look what I found in the bargain bin at the supermarket!”

“Tae, I’m not really sure I’m in the mood to take up crocheting...”

but actually it turns out to be more fun that you thought

he has his little ways of making everything fun

one day you guys just find some random paints in a cupboard

and WOW

he’s so good at it

such beautiful landscapes

Makes sure that you both maintain some sort of routine

“best make sure we have an early night lovely”

“why? it’s not like there’s much to do tomorrow”

but no matter how sceptical you may be at times

he’s determined to be your sunshine

he helps you stay sane

makes everything sound productive

“because tomorrow we are going to make a playlist for when we walk, feed the ducks, go shopping, learn how to make a new dish...”

makes you a cup of tea just because

or breakfast in bed

the perfect companion

caring about even the people he can’t physically be with

“we haven’t heard from _____ in a while; we should drop a phone call or something”

but it isn’t just a phone call

it’s also a letter in the mail a few days later

plus a painting for the close friends

Dressing up really formal for a home date

3 course meal, courtesy of the microwave

then a slow dance in the living room

always the romantic

“tonight was amazing... will I see you again?”

“you are terrible Tae, you really are!”

such a joker

he keeps you smiling through it all

Jungkook

Tries to get you to go on daily jogs with him

“Can’t I just walk?”

“Come on, y/n; get those endorphins running through you!”

you try like once

*wheezing*

nope

Nintendo switch

Not that I have one welp

I can just imagine it okay

Lots of active games

thrashes you at Wii Sports Tennis

but you whoop his ass at Bowling

he does most of the shopping

so that he can go for a jog first

and also so he’s not out too often in any one day, two birds one stone and all that

Doesn’t quite always get the shopping list right….

“Jungkook?”

“Yes?”

“I wrote 1-2 bananas… You’ve brought back 12”

blames your handwriting

Small bits of banter like this keep you both sane

and he eats all those bananas in like 2 days

“What? There was no cereal in the shop”

someone teach this boy to cook please

*brings back like a crate load of instant noodles*

at least it means you’ve come up with something to pass the time

teaching Jungkook some basic meals

maybe beginning with breakfast first thing in the morning wasn’t the best idea

“Jungkook! I said keep an eye on it!”

“I did”

and he literally just watched the bacon burn instead of regularly flipping it over

bless

Singing to you whilst snuggling on the couch

bliss

meme-y dances before bed time

like you’ll be sat in bed maybe watching tv / reading

and something moves in the corner of your eye

oh my word Jungkook

*insert all the meme-y dances you have even seen him do*

the biggest dork

can’t stop laughing at his own silliness afterwards

jumps into the bed and puts his head on your shoulder

falls asleep like this quite fast

well you aren’t surprised since he’s always so energetic

Small campfires in the back garden

the best marshmallows you’ve ever had

and it’s so much fun

campfire stories

usually people have a guitar around the fire

not Jungkook though, no

*serenades you with a ukulele purposely singing out of tune*

has you in stitches

people in the neighbouring houses hear the laughter and some think it’s insensitive to be laughing so much

but seriously, if you can’t laugh, what can you do?

So I thought I’d make a post around the strange times many of us are living in. Whilst I get that some readers may not be in a situation like mine (UK) so a quick bit of context for you even though I made the location / country ambiguous in my writing. The circumstances explained in the imagines though are of course based on my experiences in England.

Right now, we are limited in what we do; only essential shops are open, (supermarkets, pharmacies, etc,) the country is being advised to go out as little as possible, (only for food shopping, medical reasons and exercise,) social gatherings aren’t allowed, our death rate has been increasing due to the virus (even our prime minister has it,) and our NHS is overwhelmed - currently more than 10,000 being treated as I’m listening to the news and writing this note. 

I hope everyone is staying safe and doing the right thing by staying indoors and maintaining social distancing.

[blueboltkatana]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

GUrll ur so sexy... Like you're Hot. I don't care if you were bullied in school, you're sexy, they lied.

Also bitch I KNEW i related to you too much our ascendants are both in leo we're so hot.

Ok ok no now I'll stop complimenting and start with the roasting here we go:

So the sun is your sense of "self" it represents you on the more base level i guess you could say, like what most people think you're like is represented by your sun. With Sagittarius being your sun it means you're very energetic Especially for those things you are passionate about, you might have gone through a LOT of hobbies, only a few of them stuck around but you like to try things. You're curious about the way people's minds works, you wanna figure them out. If the conversations you have don't involve some form of psychoanalysis or philosophy you might loose interest. You are a Talker, maybe you talk very fast or you are often told to lower your voice but you don't do it on purpose you're just very very animated. You are kina volatile, in the sense that you value freedom in everything, love, work, hobbies. You have a huge rebellious streak and you kinda like testing your luck. Think adrenaline junkie. It's cliché but with this much Sagittarius in your chart you prob love traveling, like i said you will chase freedom because you associate it with happiness. If you find people that make you feel free then you feel happy. Rules don't go well with you. You don't really like being involved with fights per se but you LOVE debating, if you can beat a motherfucker with nothing but facts and logic you will and you will enjoy it.

Your way of flirting or making friends is "lowkey bullying" or my favourite "verbally throwing hands". If they shoot back you get heart eyes (my mars in sag agrees). You can be tactless as fuck tho. Like you will say some outrageous shit that MIGHT be funny if the timing is right or MIGHT make everyone in a 5 mile radius mad.

I NEED to talk about your moon in sag bc Babe, babe the moon tells us about our emotions and how we deal with them, how we express them and how they shape us. But BABE. Sagittarius moons are so bad at comforting people it's embarrassing, trying to make them think of smth else or do smth else to distract from the situation is NOT a good way to deal with your emotions... Avoiding your emotions like the plague is not gonna invent a vaccine... Saying "everything is fine :)" DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING FINE PLEASE GO TO THERAPY. ok to give you some credit, you don't let shit bring you down, no matter what you always get up and that is a *strength* that i admire, but love you're burning the candle at both ends, especially if you get yourself in More problems by trying to distract yourself from One problem.

Also you've had a horsegirl phase or a dog obsession phase or both huh. AND your love language is sarcasm but the type that you will make someone laugh when you're insulting them. You're also hilarious irl you're prob the "funny friend" but with that scorpio mars and venus baby inside ur sad and dark as fuck ripp.

I also wanted to talk about your mercury in sag... Babe... Do you know what a brain to mouth filter IS?! do you recognize that word?!?! Cuz you have never used yours i think. Like you are hilarious but that's because you have dolphins in the head cavity baby. Not trying to say you're stupid, you're actually very smart and opinionated, probably have been told that you'd be a great lawyer or smth. But miss gurl please think before you speak for the love of god ur gonna make someone cry. Also ur mouth is foul. Have you ever spoken a sentence without a "fuck" or a "cunt" somewhere in there?! God bless.

Now for your scorpio Venus I'm just gonna say, more confirmation that ur Sexy as Fuck, scorpio venuses are just sexy, amazing partners, VERY passionate, whoever dates you will never forget you, for better or for worse you'll forever be on the back of their mind. You had a harsh emo phase huh, maybe loved some obscure shit like witchcraft or just love dressing all black like someone's mother died, i bet you wear silver jewelry a lot, maybe necklaces or rings or chockers. If this isn't how you dress now it was prob a major phase in your life. Or maybe you just love horror movies idk

Being as passionate as you are you don't take well to being mistreated or lied to, you might like to plot revenge and things like those, you wouldn't do anything... You actually prefer letting things go but you WILL make an elaborate scenario in your head at 3am or even as you stare right in the persons face.

With mars in scorpio you might be kinda passive aggressive, maybe you act like things don't really bother you but you throw a comment or two once in a while just to stir the pot bc you can't move on lmfao.

You are attracted to people that are introverts or generally just mysterious, like i said above the nature of the Sagittarius is to Learn and to Study. People that you can't immediately figure out intrigue you. All your crushes are either on geminis or water signs lmfao.

The best careers for you are the ones that allow you some freedom of either movement or expression and something that can keep your mind from flying away, something that keeps you intrigued, like research or writing. You're a very "all or nothing" person and it can sometimes scare people away, i advise you to work on compromising, being less stubborn and more open with your emotions and desires.

(part one bc I'm taking too long and I don't wanna keep you waiting so much) I'll reblog this with part 2

Alright here we go part 2 of Roasting hella until she finds out I'm hiding in her walls.

I will skip over some planets that are Very slow moving and usually don't talk about you as an individual but refer to your generation as a whole.

I wanna focus on lilith for a sec bc worstie lilith talks about our fears, our more "darker" side that we hide from ourselves as well as the people that we love. Lilith in aries in the eleventh house tells me you might be afraid to take charge, you gravitate towards positions of leadership but you let go on the last second, almost afraid to have too much control, very often self sabotaging your own success. Your anger and you own ambition might scare you, you might be afraid of appearing too aggressive bc under your skin you have a deep rooted anger and rebellion that you wish to relieve but you can't find a good enough outlet, some things soothe it but you always feel like it never leaves. It might be related to some form of resentment that you never truly dealt with and now it sits uncomfortably with you and you just can't get over it and it bothers you. You might have been shy in groups as a child, maybe you talked a lot but it was always from a fear of the silence not always because you had something to say. The eleventh house is that of groups and friends and social awareness, technology and your hopes and wishes for the future, having lilith in this house talks about someone who had a hard time feeling comfortable around people OR someone who wasn't very accepted. You might have desperately wished for friends but have found it hard to find any. Or if you did, you deep down felt very alone. I would advise to learn to accept your anger and deal with it in healthy ways instead of brushing it off and repressing it.

The north node talks about what you need to focus more in your life for example in your case with Gemini in your North node you need to focus more on your communication letting go of anxiety and your relation with other people you need to become more interested in intellectual pursuit and growth. You need to let go off the need to always be right and look more at details instead of focusing on on the bigger picture all of the time. When your North node is is in Gemini then your South node is in Sagittarius which tells me that what you should focus less on is your pursuit of freedom and your rebellion. Be more aware of your words and use them with maturity.

Now let's have some fun with the ascendent in leo which we share and now i see why ur so relatable. The first house or the ascendant is that very superficial layer of our personality, it includes the way we carry ourselves, our style, the little habits or quirks we have. One thing about leo ascendants is that we have an obsession with our hair. Hair is important to us, some have huge hair that might remind you of a lions mane, others just have very unique style or color but we ALL are lowkey or highkey obsessed with it, either constantly touching it, pulling it, chewing on it, cutting it or dying it in unique ways you name it. You might have a rather large nose or cat like eyes.

This ascendent is full of life and light, very funny, light hearted and luxurious, you want to live that good life and i don't blame you. A negative aspect is that we come of as intimidating to others. ALL of my friends AND my ex have at some point told me I was intimidating to them. It makes us prone to overcompensating for it later in life so maybe now you're super outgoing and extroverted and you approach people first and try to be super friendly. Also you're an attention whore (affectionate) with a flare for the dramatics, very flamboyant, you basically fill the room with personality, it attracts attention and you love it. You're what people would call a "sunny" person.

You're hella competitive (get it lol) and you LOVE fighting your way to the top and crushing the competition. You're probably a weirdo that low key likes school. Not the way it's run or the teachers or whatever, but the "idea" of school. If you could just learn all your life you absolutely would.

Second house in virgo. The 2nd house is the house of money, work, income, daily routines, values, material possessions, habits, work ethic ect being in virgo it means you can have an extremely good work ethic, you put a lot of thought in planning and mapping your work, you might get overly critical on your work though and often undermine your own success and efforts because they didn't fit your impossible standards. You can be very organized in your work, you want things to be a certain way and if they don't follow your plan you will Make them. Its a good position for virgo but yoh need to be aware of not overworking by trying to do Everything on your own. Let others help you, and let people in your work do their own things don't try to help if not asked to because you will overwork yourself.

The third house is that of the mind, thinking, communication, siblings, interests and early education, in your case it is in Libra which means that you're early education might not have been very stable or it was a period of time that you look back with a lot of fondness but not much substance. You are a good talker but you get lost when it comes to details, you are indecisive when it comes to settling on an opinion on something if you don't have All the facts first, you always want to be right. You are pretty open minded and easy to talk to but you might have the bad habit of rambling off topic. You change interests constantly and you prob like to talk about others, you wanna know the tea if it kills you. You prob had a crush on a childhood best friend or on a hot neighbor. Your relationship with your siblings might be pretty good, friendly, no particular resentment or anything like that, you might be the one that everyone treats a little better, people let you get away with things more often, you might be the one that takes 2 hours in the bathroom lol.

Oof fourth house in scorpio babe how are the mommy issues? 😬 How is your relationship with your femininity? Having trouble with keeping secrets? So the fourth house is the one responsible for your home roots, your family, self-care, emotions, your mother, women and your femininity and having Scorpio here tells me that you might have very strong ties to your family, but they weren't healthy or emotionally supportive. You have grown with people that might have undermined your emotions, people that didn't teach you to set healthy boundaries and maybe even manipulators and gaslighters. You might have been the type to put your foot down a lot a home, assuming a very dominant role as well as the defender. You're very private about your family life and don't want to let people too close.

Ah i just noticed u have like 3 planets in this house including ur Sun and Moon, babe this house is what you need to focus on when you go to therapy. This almost secretive, guarded approach to understanding your own emotions is very prominent in how you see yourself, how you feel and with Pluto there, how you change. I could say the biggest changes in your life have happened in these areas and they have left the biggest impacts on you. Yes you are passionate and protective but don't let bad feelings marinate forever, address them and then move on from them because they're just weighting you down.

Fifth house in sag, also the house of your mercury. This house represents Love, romance, creativity, self expression, joy and childlike spirit. It tells me the way you express your creativity is through words which makes sense since you're a great writer, but not only, the way you express Love is also through your words, expression and free thoughts are your way you tell your loved ones how much you mean to them, think poetry, long rants, music recommendations bc of specific song lyrics, you have been writing form childhood and it's one of the ways you express your view on beauty as well, to you love is freedom and freedom is expression.

Capricorn in the sixth house paired with both uranus and neptune being in it tells me there is something about your knees, joints, bones or teeth in particular that stands out when it comes to your health, maybe you tend to break your teeth, maybe you like chewing on crunchy foods, maybe your joints crack a lot, idk but I'd drink my milk if i was you, take care of your joints and bones. Also for you, being emotionally unwell often translates to being Physically unwell as well, so be mindful of your emotions because they do affect you physically. You need to keep hydrated also and your health plan needs structure for it to work bc that neptune makes everything very chaotic and uranus constantly makes you bored and wanting to spice things up. Take care of your emotional needs just as much as you would with your physical ones. And for the love of jesus be CAREFUL with alcohol or smoking because that neptune in ur health house could mean serious trouble if you let it become an addiction, don't push it.

Aquarius in the seventh house of relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners ect means you are untraditionally traditional. That makes sense in my head let me explain. Aquarius is a sign that seeks individualism desperately, it likes to feel like a special person, impossible to understand. Yet always feels comfortable in the structure of traditional and safe paths. So for example you might marry someone in a way that is not traditional but at the end of the day you wish for your marriage to have a stability you would feel safe falling into. Also it says ur gay. Air signs in the relationship house says ur gay i Make the rules.

Pisces is in the eighth house of sex, intimacy, shared finances, inheritance, taxes, loans, property, mystery, partner's resources. This tells me you fuck with feeling lmfao. Or you simply make your love life something "special", a connection that only you and ur person can share, it's what makes you an amazing lover and an unforgettable one as well. But as amazing as you are at creating a otherworldly atmosphere, ur just as shit at setting boundaries and saying something when you don't like something. You don't like to see things that you love ending and a failed relationship makes you blame yourself too much, you have the tendency to stay in situations where you are being mistreated but you tell yourself It's on you.

A recurring theme I'm seeing is some weakness when it comes to liars or manipulators in your life. So either you irrationally fear people are lying to you because you "lie" to them about yourself or a lot of people in your childhood might have used lying or gaslighting as a way to keep you under control. I would advise to try not to overthink and become paranoid, people love you and they believe in you and they aren't deceiving you, they don't secretly mean something different from what they have said. Listen to your intuition about people sure, but don't confuse it with anxiety.

With lilith and aries in the 9th house of travel and higher education and religion I'm gonna assume you might have religious trauma. Religion might have been a way that people used to try and control you, if not religion then some form of system or government law. Being queer i completely understand the sentiment but in your case it's take a step further because you Value the ideals of this house so much, with lilith here, it's like at som point in your life you were finally awakened to how much injustice there was in the world ant that has made you very inclined to take action, you cannot stand unjust government or non tolerating religions. You might have felt crushed under an unjust system and it took you a lot of will and conviction to find your individuality and build yourself how you wanted once you were free.

Your midheaven in taurus tells me you are one that will achieve any goals you set your mind to. It might take you time, you might procrastinate around it, but at the end of the day, you will do it and you will do it well and it will be rewarding. If your father isn't a Taurus then he was a stable figure in your life, very much a rock for better or for worse. In your career life people will see you as very competent, very down to earth and helpful but you know you just procrastinated till the last second possible and stayed up all night do finish your work... You will seek careers that you believe will guarantee you stable income and a comfortable life. You might indulge in luxury from time to time because you think in order to get the position you want at work you need to look the part. Ultimately it's your sheer stubbornness and spite that gets you all the way up to the top of the food chain.

The eleventh house of groups, friendships, humanitarianism, and social awareness is in your case in gemini. It tells me you value friendship extremely and you surround yourself with a diverse cast of friends, you couldn't mix your different friend groups if you tried and you have tried. You have the habit of being too friendly to everyone which makes you end up with more friends than you know what to do with. You are approachable but people can get the impression that you are putting up a show or a facade and your emotions arent genuine, it's not always the case but you need to be more truthful and assertive, put some boundaries and don't let people get away with shit you don't like. Your public persona is very well liked, seen as fun and bright and smart and overall a joy to be around.

Now that last placement... 12th house cancer, i have the same placement and babe I'm sorry for all the shit you have been through. You deserve the freedom to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness in healthy ways. You deserve to be given unconditional love and support no matter how many mistakes you say you have made no matter how overly pessimistic you are about yourself it doesn't matter you're amazing and i love you and you deserve the world.

With jupiter the planet of expansion in the 12th house of endings, spirituality, solitude and karma?! Gurl i did say u were a cult leader but i didn't think it was astrologically backed up rippp. But it also says you might have a hard time getting the motivation to finish things, you might take a long time to finish a project. This house placements also tells me you're amazing at writing emotional ass fantasy stories which by now we have confirmed, but if you have like, an original idea for a book don't hesitate to get it started babe bc u have a very promising placement for that. Don't get too dragged into a sad whirlpool of emotions and daydreams but bring your creative ideas to life and you'll be fine.

This is all I'm doing today and i think it's enough lol. I'm posting this I'm sorry to my followers for the long ass post I'll tag it so you can filter it. This was a whole psycho-astrological analysis of our favourite writer Hellspawn1975. I have wanted to study her like a new lizard species for a while and i finally got the chance thank you hella for the opportunity.

Final words to @hella1975 i hate you and I'll fuck ur mom tomorrow, gn babe <3

[surveys4ever]

25.

Section 1 – Who were you?

Think back as far as you can. What is the first memory you have? I think meeting my (now) dad for the first time when he and my mom were dating. I was very upset because he was short and that’s not what dads were supposed to look like in my 3 year old eyes since my bio dad was super tall.

What is something you remember enjoying very much as a small child? Playing Barbies, watching Barney, Happy Meals, being with my grandma.

How old were you, when you made your very first friend? Probably preschool.

Are you still friends with this person today? Facebook friends, yeah. Real friends, no.

Was there a story somebody read or told you that has stuck with you? No one ever read to me after I learned to read for myself so one day I was sick and I came home and curled up with my mom on the couch and asked her to read me a Little Mermaid book I had and she did, even though I had to get up to go shit myself halfway through and it meant a lot to me at the time.

What is something you get an immense feeling of nostalgia from? Hannah Montana for some reason. It was my favorite show and we didn’t get the Disney channel so whenever we went to a hotel, nobody could tell me fuckin NOTHING because we were watching Hannah Montana whether they liked it or not.

As a child, were you a sore loser or a sore winner? I was the only child for 8 years and then the oldest after that so I never lost at anything and now when I do, I feel like I'm the biggest piece of shit loser there’s ever been. So that’s fun.

Did you go through the "naked phase"? I learned that you didn’t have to sleep in pajamas and you could just sleep naked so I did it for a while but then realized that I much preferred pajamas.

Which television shows do you watch the most as a child? I loved TV so basically all of the 90′s/early 2000′s shows there were.

Did you play with siblings, neighbourhood kids or by yourself? Either with neighborhood/school kids or by myself. I didn’t ever really have siblings who weren’t my kids, if that makes sense.

Is there something you really miss from your childhood today? I miss back when everything was simple.

Section 2 – Likes and interests  

Would you ever like to try competitive pinball playing? Ummm, no.

Do you knit, crochet or cross stitch? I’m trying to teach myself to crochet.

Have you ever, or would you like to attend a gaming or comic convention? No thx.

What's your opinion on online multiplayer games? I really liked Among Us for a while there but I don’t really enjoy how rude everyone is on online games.

Do you like to go cycling? If so, where? Uh no.

Have you ever tried woodturning? If not, would you like to? Never tried it, don’t really have any desire to, but it can be relaxing to watch!

Do you enjoy drawing? If so, what do you usually draw? I do! I usually draw graphics for YouTube videos or doodle over Instagram photos, draw things to put on shirts with my Cricut, etc. I use my iPad for so many things.

Have you ever attended a painting class? If so, what did you create? I haven’t but I would like to!

How about a creative writing course? If so, did you get any feedback? I took Creative Writing literally every year it was offered in high school and I always got awards for having the top marks in the class.

What is your favourite form of exercise? No thank you.

Section 3 – People  

Who is the most important person in your life (besides yourself)? My husband.

Do people generally approach you easily? I think so!

Do you get along with people well? If not, what's the problem? Yeah! I’m pretty friendly and easy going.

Do you enjoy being in crowds or do you prefer your own company? I would much prefer my own company than crowds.

Which one of your friends have you known the longest? I still talk to the girl I was best friends with in the 6th grade on occasion so like 17-18 years?

Do you find it easy to make friends now? If not, what makes it difficult? As an adult who works from home, making friends is hard as fuck. 

What is something about people that annoys you? Something I've noticed in recent years is just how entitled and greedy everyone is. Everybody wants something from you or for your skills to benefit them without them putting in any work or paying you for your time. It’s just gross.

What is something about people that you really like? We have really, really harsh winters and if you ever find yourself in the ditch for whatever reason, there will be a lineup of cars stopped behind you to help you push it out or let you chill in their car while you wait for a tow truck. On the really bad blizzard days, there are groups of men in big trucks that literally L I V E to go around and help pull people’s cars out of the ditch. It’s the only time I feel like there’s actually a sense of community around here.

If you live alone, what would be your criteria for a roommate? I honestly would never have a roommate because they could either be your friend or a stranger and living with friends is a good way to ruin a friendship if your living styles aren’t similar and living with a stranger just sounds like a nightmare.

How about criteria for a spouse, if you're single? I am married but my criteria was honestly that I just wanted him to be kind and funny and I got that tenfold with my husband.

In general, what's your attitude towards people? I can’t stand to be around grumpy people. If all you do is gripe and complain about literally everything, I’m out. No thank you. Why is your hobby being angry? Take up knitting or something for christ’s sake.

Section 4 – Habits

What is something you do every day without fail? Baby talk the dog and snuggle with Beebs.

What is your typical breakfast? I’m a leftovers for breakfast kinda gal but lately I’ve been having a bagel and watermelon.

Which article of clothing do you like to wear the most? I loooove me a good baggy T-shirt and booty shorts.

Is there a TV show you watch habitually? We’re currently watching Unhhhh while we eat dinner every night, haha!

Where do you usually spend most of your day? I really only sit in 4 places--bed, the couch, my makeup/work desk, or my sewing desk. Depends on the day which one I’m at.

Is there a product that you do not want to run out of? Moisturizer. I’m a dry son of a bitch.

What is your preferred mode of transport? Car!

Do you usually have something playing in the background when you're home? Nah. I’m in silence a lot of the time.

Where do you usually get your groceries? Walmart for the bulk of it, a local grocery store for the specialty items, and Target if we ever run out of something midweek because I cannot handle Walmart more than once a week.

How often do you go to your local park? Like once or twice a month in the summer!

Which of your hobbies do you indulge in most often? Sewing and Sims currently!

Section 5 – Favourites and dislikes

What is your favourite fruit? Watermelon!

How about your favourite berry? Strawberries are the only berry I like.

Which food do you highly dislike? Fish. It’s all disgusting.

What is your favourite song, and why? I hate this question. Who can pick one definitive favorite song out of the bajillions of songs that have been written??

What is a movie you cannot stand? Anything with Seth Rogen in it, any movie that's got a 3+ after it (looking @ you, Fast & Furious), and all the fuckin’ superhero movies that have the same ‘ah yes, this undefeatable bad guy that we have absolutely no chance against and will undoubtedly kill us all--but we’re going to pull through at the last second with the power of friendship!’ plot line.

Which trait in a person do you find most appealing? I don’t know how to describe it--certain people just have that spark and you can always tell right away if they’ve got it or not and those are my favorite kind of people.

Which trait puts you instantly off? If they’re religious it’s an instant no from me, dog.

Who is an actor/actress who you dislike so much you can't watch them? I really, really dislike Tom Holland. I honestly think he’s a terrible actor.

What colour are your favourite shoes? White!

What is a smell that disgusts you to no end? B.O., on me or others. I just can’t deal with it.

Which door handle/door knob do you like the most in your home? They’re all the same.

Section 6 – Culture

What is something very typical to the culture of your home country? Apple pie and baseball are the only things coming to mind atm.

Do you enjoy art? If so, which form of art is the most enjoyable? I do! But I prefer art that you can look at and know the artist is incredibly gifted and/or has put in a ton of time and effort to master their skills. None of that million dollar paint smear on a canvas shit.

What is something about another country's culture you don't understand? I feel like other cultures take their family and their family’s approval way too seriously. That might be rich coming from someone who doesn’t have a very good relationship with their family but I just don’t understand what the point of making yourself miserable to make your family happy is.

Do you ever attend the theater? If so, which play did you see last? Last thing I saw in a theater was Shangela perform a drag show, haha!

How about the opera or the ballet? Nope.

Which dance troupe do you enjoy, if any? ...they still do that?

Do you attend concerts or gigs? If so, which band did you see last? Not as much as I’d like to as no one good really comes here very often. Last band we saw was X Ambassadors and Paramore!

Are you interested in foreign food? I’m not uninterested but I’m not super interested either.

If so, which country's cuisine do you enjoy the most? Chinese...albiet probably a very Americanized version of Chinese.

Do you enjoy stand-up comedy? If so, who is your favourite comic? I doooo! Bo Burnham and Drew Lynch are my favorites.

Do you contribute to culture in some way? If so, how? I try to? I’m an influencer so I definitely have a platform of a couple hundred thousand people. Not sure what exactly I contribute tho.

Section 7 – Charity

Do you volunteer your time to anything charitable? If so, what? Newp.

Do you donate money to any charities? If so, which ones? No. I don’t trust a lot of charities, to be quite honest. A lot of them are very shady and I’d rather donate money directly to someone who needed it rather than it getting tied up in a charity where it might never actually see the people they claim to be helping.

If you have pets, are any of them rescues from shelters? We adopted our dog from one of my husband’s coworkers but she probably would have gone to the shelter if we didn’t take her.

Do you donate your old clothes, linen etc. to charitable organizations? Yes! We almost always have a bag of donations in our trunk that we always forget to take to the thrift store when we go.

If someone you know is in need, is it in your nature to offer help? If I can, yes!

Have you ever donated Christmas presents to children of poor families? We used to do that when I was a kid.

Have you ever had to rely on other people's charity? One Christmas when I was really young I remember my parents signed up for a sponsorship through the Salvation Army where a family adopted us and bought us Christmas presents and Christmas dinner or whatever.

How do you feel about donating to charities endorsed by celebrities? I would never donate to a charity simply because it was sponsored by a celebrity but I guess its the easiest way for a charity to get the word out that they need donations.

Is there a charity you absolutely never ever will not trust? PETA, Salvation Army, Goodwill, and that breast cancer one with the horrible CEO.

Have you ever donated to a cause that had a person going door to door? No. I extra wouldn’t if someone came knocking on my door asking for money.

In general, what is your opinion on charity? I already did my rant about them, haha.

Section 8 – Entertainment

Which was the very first video game you remember playing? Ocarina of Time I believe!

Which was the very first film you remember watching? That I don’t remember. Maybe that Barney movie with the magic egg?

What is your go-to form of entertainment? TikTok usually.

Do you have a large collection of DVDs/Blu-Rays? Nah. We have a drawer but we usually stream everything.

How about music albums? Beebs collects vinyls!

Do you prefer to have your music on vinyls, tapes, CDs or digital? I prefer digital and Beebs likes vinyl.

When and where do you like to entertain yourself usually? Either the bed or the couch.

Do you ever binge watch shows? If so, what are you binging now? Usually! I’m sadly in between shows rn.

What kinds of books do you like to read, if any? I honestly don’t read anymore.

Is there a book series you're currently collecting? ..

Is entertainment something you prefer to enjoy alone or with someone else? I have my shows and then we have shows we watch together. So there’s a time and place for both!

Section 9 – Internet 

Do you always have access to the Internet, wherever you go? If not, why? Yup!

Which website do you frequent the most? Website website? Google. App website? Instagram or TikTok.

Which search engine do you prefer and trust the most? Googs.

What do you use the Internet the most for? Social media or entertainment.

Do you judge people who have their phones out all the time? If so, why? Random people? None of my business. But if we’re spending time together and I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you're not paying attention to me because your nose is glued to your phone, I’m gonna be pissed.

If your connection goes down, what do you do? Go do something that’s not on the internet?

Is there something you wish you could do online that isn't possible yet? I still wish you could smell things through the internet.

Do you remember the first time you used the Internet? When was it? Yes! I believe the 2nd/3rd grade?

What was a website you used to frequent that doesn't exist anymore? I loved the Disney website with all the games.

Do/Did you ever have your own website? That was the thiiiing back in the day.

Isn't it great how much knowledge and info we have at our fingertips? It’s great but also overwhelming.

Section 10 – And finally...

What is something you consider to be highly controversial? Politics, apparently.

What kinds of jokes do you like the best? I love a good pun.

Is there a person who makes you laugh effortlessly? Oh definitely.

Which part of your body do you like the least? My eyes.

What's something random, out of context you remember from your past? I don’t do well with really vague questions.

Do you wear shoes indoors? No, I’m not a heathen.

What's the silliest thing you've worn on your body in public? I don’t think I usually wear silly things.

What's the most important thing in your life right now? Just spending time with my fam. Trying to get over this anxiety.

What is the most distant point on the planet that you've been from home? Florida.

Do you enjoy trivia games? If so, which one's your favourite? We love some Trivial Pursuit in this house!

Are you more logical or emotional? My emotions take over and then my logic brings it back in. Equal parts, baby.

[citrinekay]

a prompt: holden's thinking of running a marathon or something, and it gets bill thinking about just how young holden is and some insecurities appear. what's their future like? wouldn't holden be better off with someone who could actually match his rhythm? sorry im just a sucker for some age gap h/c!

Hey don’t apologize! I live to serve and create the content this fandom wants and deserves - it also helps that this turned out really cute and sweet and I like it very very much. Thanks for the prompt! 💕

Golden pink sunset stretches across the sky, making the red rubber of the track glow a burnt orange, the grass a glistening, knife-edged green. The summer heat has slacked off into a comfortable warmth that’s accompanied by the slight breeze that cools that faint sweat on Bill’s brow. 

He glances down at the stopwatch as Holden emerges from the glowing haze of sunlight, running at a steady clip around the final curve of the track before he reaches the starting point again. Dressed in track shorts and a gray Academy sweatshirt, he’s sweating harder in the July heat than Bill’s stationary position could ever hope to achieve. 

Bill squints against the sunlight, once again baffled by how much Holden enjoys this activity. Wendy had first suggested some type of exercise to him to help deal with his anxiety, and Holden had taken to the task like a fish to water. For the first few months, he would come out where to the Academy track to run for his own enjoyment, but now that he considers himself an accomplished runner, he’s taken to training for a marathon at the end of the month. The preparation is taking up a lot of time, much more than Bill had expected; and his only recourse to steal as much private time with Holden as possible is to park his ass here beside the track with the stopwatch. 

As Holden drops down out of his run into a jog, and finally to a staggered halt, Bill jabs the timer on the stopwatch. 

“How long as was that?” Holden asks, his voice hoarse and fractured. 

“Seven minutes, twenty-five seconds.”

“Shit.” Holden whispers, leaning forward to clutch his knees. 

“You’re unsatisfied with running a mile in seven minutes?” Bill asks, incredulously. 

“And twenty-five seconds.” 

“I thought a marathon was about endurance not speed.” 

“It is. It’s a personal goal.”

Bill leans over to grab the water bottle from the grass, and tosses it to Holden. 

Catching it against his chest, Holden straightens and takes a stumbled step backwards as he lifts the bottle to his mouth. 

Bill watches him quietly, half-appreciating the sweat drenched ringlets plastered to his forehead and the way his throat glistens in the fading sunlight. 

“Well, I know one thing for sure. You’d leave me in the dust.” Bill says.

Holden drags the bottle away from his mouth, leaving his lips slickly pink. He swipes a hand across his dribbling chin, and saunters closer to where Bill is seated on the folding chair in the grass. 

“You could join me, you know.” He says. 

“Running?”

“Yeah. Anyone can do it.”

“What? So I can get out there and humiliate myself? It wouldn’t be pretty.”

“Well, no one starts out an expert.” 

“Holden, we practically live together.” Bill says, gesturing to himself. “You are fully aware of what I can and cannot do.”

Holden rolls his eyes. “Oh, Christ. Is this about the other night when I wanted round two and you weren’t up for it?”

Bill scowls, “Okay, you didn’t have to drag that into it.”

“You were about to.” 

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Fine.” Holden says, capping the water bottle, and tossing it in the grass. “I’m going to do one more lap around the track to cool off and then we can go.”

“You want me to time that, too?”

Holden casts him a snide glance before spinning around and taking off toward the track again at a steady jog. 

Bill frowns watching him sprint into the melted glow of the sunset, his body shimmering like some moving work of art beneath the colors of the sky. It’s easy to forget that he’s going to be thirty-two in a few months, technically middle-aged, when he’s so virile and energetic. It’s like he has a bottomless well of initiative and drive, and his body … Well, Bill has been witness to all of the things his beautiful, toned, young body can do and endure. Running a seven minute mile is just the tip of the iceberg. 

Bill tries to set aside his insecurities as Holden circles the far end of the track and starts back towards the finishing line. He isn’t self-absorbed. He cares about his appearance insofar as it pertains to personal hygiene and professionalism. His current job doesn’t require extreme physical feats like running a seven minute mile or even running at all so why should it matter? Holden has his own personal goals and hobbies that he doesn’t necessarily have to share. It shouldn’t matter, but he knows why it does. 

When Holden comes off the track again, Bill hands him the towel to wipe the sweat from his brow. 

“Ready to go home?”

“Yeah.” 

Bill gathers their things, and leads them across the yard, through the student parking, and all the way back to their lot in front of the BSU building. The walk is long and silent, some disagreement rippling underneath that he doesn’t feel like addressing. Once they reach the car, Bill rolls down the windows, turns on the stereo, and lights a cigarette. Holden leans toward the breeze, the sweet tang of perspiration blustering in the air alongside the summer breeze. Bill figures they’ll both just let it go, but ten minutes into the drive, Holden turns back to Bill. 

“Is something the matter with you?” 

“What? No.”

Holden’s hands fidget in his lap. “I can tell when you’re pissed. Why don’t you just say it?”

“Holden, I’m beat. It’s almost eight and we’re just now going home after working for ten hours and-”

“Oh, is that why? Because I’m forcing you to stay out late?”

“You’re not forcing me.”

“I told you that you didn’t have to come. I can work a stopwatch on my own.”

“Yeah? Then what do you need me for?”

The hasty retort slashes coldly through the humid air, leaving them both simmering in choked silence for a long moment. Bill flicks cigarette ashes out the window, annoyed with himself. There’s no basis for this argument, but they’re having it anyway. 

“I don’t know what your fucking problem is.” Holden mutters, “Are you just mad that I have an interest that doesn’t involve you?”

“No, of course not. You’re allowed to have your own hobbies-”

“Oh, you’re allowing me to have this hobby. How generous of you.”

“That is not what I meant, and you know it.”

They fall into silence again, but Bill can sense the electric hum of anger and the threat of hurt feelings arising. 

Just fucking apologize. He tells himself, trying to tamp down the bubbling insecurities that seem to multiply with every exchange. But his jaw stays stubbornly clamped shut. 

The next ten minutes pass in stifled silence until they reach Bill’s house. Holden’s car is parked in the driveway where he had left it over the weekend when a sleepover turned into a five-night affair. Bill figures that little foray is about to end right here. 

He throws the car into park, but lets the engine idle as they sit quietly, stewing. 

“Okay.” Holden says, finally. “I’m sorry I brought up the other night - the round two thing. That was uncalled for.”

“It isn’t that.”

“Really?” Holden asks, his gaze swinging across the car to strike Bill with withering severity. 

Bill takes a slow drag of his cigarette and focuses on the yard darkening in the impending dusk. 

“Bill, I have never had an issue with your age and my age, and-”

“Please, just stop.” Bill says, holding up a hand. The humiliation is already curling up his chest in fiery fingers, clutching at the back of his throat with debilitating force. The fact that he can’t suppress it is just as bad as the initial flinch of insecurity. 

“Fine. You don’t want to talk to me?” Holden says, impatiently. He unlatches the door and shoves it open with his shoulder. “I think I’m just gonna go home, and you can call me when you get your head out of your ass.”

Bill flinches as the door slams shut behind him, jarring the entire vehicle. He watches with a sickening feeling dropping to the pit of his stomach as Holden storms around the hood of the car towards his own vehicle. 

Get out and stop him, you stupid fucking idiot. 

Growling a sound of frustration, Bill rips off his seatbelt, and climbs out of the car just as Holden reaches the hood of his Nova. 

“Wait.” 

Holden’s determined pace cuts to a halt. They stare at one another in the falling dusk, a quiet standoff that Bill knows Holden won’t be breaking; he’s waiting for Bill to speak and be honest. 

Drawing in a deep breath, Bill puts his head down, and closes the space between them in a few strides. Holden turns slowly to face him, not resisting as Bill catches him by the hand. 

“I’m sorry.” Bill says, quietly. 

Holden nods. Still waiting. 

“Come on.” Bill says, scoffing against the clutch of emotion in the back of his throat. “Don’t tell me you never think about it.”

“I mean, yes. Objectively, I’ve thought about it because it’s a basic, indisputable fact.” Holden says, “I said I don’t have an issue with it.”

“Look, these past few months have been great.” Bill says, “But I think it would be a little selfish of me to not encourage you to think about your future. What do the next ten years look like? Don’t you want someone who can keep up with you? And are you going to be happy with this decision when our age difference really does start catching up with us?”

Holden’s brow furrows. “That’s a little pessimistic, don’t you think?”

“I’m just trying to be honest.”

Holden glances away for a moment, his eyes squinting against the fading light. Bill can tell that he’s seriously considering the conversation, and that acknowledgement alone eases some of the tightness in his chest. 

“You want honesty?” Holden says, his voice softening as he shifts his gaze gently back to Bill’s. 

“Yeah. Always.”

“Fine. Then this is the truth - I don’t care about our age difference, or round two. Some days I don’t even care about round one. That’s not what this is about, and it’s a little reductive to say that it is.”

Bill lets out a sigh and glances away, but Holden presses closer, cradling Bill’s chin in his hand to guide his eyes back up. 

“I know what the next ten years look like.” Holden murmurs, “Maybe not exactly, but I do know one thing - you’re here, with me. Whether you are running down a track with me or I’m pushing you a fucking wheelchair.”

Bill chokes on an unbidden laugh as Holden’s mouth stretches into a fond smile. He wraps both arms around Holden’s waist, suddenly not caring whether someone driving down the street could see the intimate embrace. He just wants to make this moment last - the moment when Holden melted the last of his fears and insecurities.

“Okay?” Holden whispers, clutching his cheek tighter. “I don’t want someone else. I want you.”

Bill nods, trying to find a reply in the tangled knot of relief and joy in the back of his throat. 

Holden kisses him quickly on the mouth, a swift, reassuring gesture that the whole street might have seen, before he wraps his arms around Bill’s neck. 

Bill buries his face in Holden’s neck, impressing the warmth of his body and his embrace down into his quivering soul. When he draws in a deep breath, he can smell summertime and sweat on his skin. 

Clearing his throat, Bill draws back. “Do you, uh … do you want to get a shower first, before you leave?”

Holden chuckles softly. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

“Okay, let’s go in. It’s really warm out here.” Bill says, wiping sweat from his own temple. 

Holden clutches his hand as they climb the steps to the front porch. As they reach the door, he whispers, “Bill?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t really want to leave.” 

Bill purses back a smile. “No?”

“No. Can I spend the night again… and possibly use your washer and dryer for my work clothes?”

“Of course.” 

They share a quiet smile before Bill unlocks the door and lets them inside. Holden’s fingers curl tighter around his hand, drawing Bill down the hallway towards the bathroom without another word. They move quietly, deftly through the house, muted anticipation rising. The sun has already set, golden light touching the door for the last time tonight. 

[honeypiehotchner]

Trust -- part three

So...I’m thinking of deviating completely from canon soon because I love Mary and John’s relationship, and I’d love for the reader to meet Mary. So obviously what goes down with Mary wouldn’t go down here. It’d be a much happier ending, so to speak. I watched the wedding episode yesterday and immediately got hit with so many ideas. Thoughts? I do want some input but let’s be real, I’ll probably doing it anyway, because I’m going through it lately, and I need to write something with a fairly happy ending/happy scenes.

That being said, here’s another part.

Warnings: Just Mycroft and you having a chat. And a case.

It’s been four days. Four days since you met Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. Four days since you moved into 221C.

All you wanted to do was check out the music store around the block. That’s all you wanted to do.

           But apparently when you’re living at 221 Baker Street, nothing is ever that simple.

           You did get to check out said music store, at least. You were just getting to the letter B – just past The Beatles – in the crate of vinyl records when you were rudely interrupted by a woman in a black dress standing next to you.

           Not one to turn down a good time, you offer her a smile – that she returns. She’s too busy typing on her phone to carry a conversation, though, so you continue looking through the records, amused to find some artists you’ve never heard of.

           Then, your phone starts ringing. Thinking it’s John – because the old man has really become like a mother hen in the past four days you’ve been staying at 221C – you pull it out of your pocket with a huff. But it’s not John at all. It’s an unknown number.

           “You might want to get that.”

           You give the woman a strange look as you answer the call, pressing the phone to your ear. “Hello?”

           “Hello, Y/N.”

           You don’t recognize the voice at all. “Who is this?”

           “Do you see the security camera to your left?”

           You look. You nod. “Yes.” For Christ’s sake, can you not look through vinyl records in peace? You just wanted to do something simple after being cooped up in your flat for the past four days.

           “Get into the car, Y/N.”

           “What car? I’m in a fucking vinyl store—” Your sentence is cut short when you look out the store window, a black (very expensive looking) car pulling up to the curb. “Who are you?” You ask again.

           “Get into the car.”

           “Alright, fine,” you snap, ending the call. You look to the woman, who is still on her phone, mind you, and ask, rather harshly, “I’m assuming you work for him?”

           She merely nods before she walks off toward the front door, giving you no choice but to follow her. And you do, a little reluctantly you add, because you aren’t sure who she is or who that man on the phone was. But you’ve gotten into enough trouble to know you’ve probably done something to him or some corporation he owns, and now he wants a word with you. Whether it be for revenge or to settle (because you have had some who are a little too annoyed with you to even bother with revenge), who knows.

           For God’s sake, can you not have one normal afternoon while you’re in London? You haven’t had a normal life, so normal days aren’t normal, but a few here and there would be nice.

           “Any point in asking where we’re going?”

           The woman snickers. “Your brother asked the same thing. No.”

           You blink at her statement and her answer to your question. You’re now thoroughly confused, especially since you didn’t know of John until four days ago. So there’s no possible way this could be connected to any trouble you’ve gotten into – or could it?

           Do others know John is your brother and the both of you have just been clueless this entire time?

           You shake your head at the absurd thought. John’s father’s name isn’t even on your birth certificate for Christ’s sake. The only reason you know who fathered you is because of your mother telling you and showing pictures.

           You have his eyes. So does John.

           The thought startles you. You always liked to believe you got every aspect of yourself from your mother. But meeting John has showed you which aspects are not at all hers.

           After what feels like an hour-long ride, the car pulls into a warehouse. Not abandoned at all, from the looks of it, but also not frequently used, considering the position you’re in.

           There’s a brief moment when your car door opens that you wonder if you’re going to die. But no one around appears to be posing a threat so far.

           Cautiously, you step out of the vehicle. In front of the car, but further away, stands a tall man leaning on his umbrella. Someone of high regard, judging by his attire…and entire being. You almost let yourself smirk at his appearance.

           You’ve dealt with a few like him before. You know how they work.

           You walk up to him, grateful in this moment that you decided to wear your heels – but not grateful as the thought of needing to make a run for it crosses your mind. Not because you can’t run in heels, but because your feet will absolutely kill you tomorrow if you do.

           “Nice place,” you comment. “Who the hell are you?”

           “It’s not mine,” the man replies, avoiding your question and instead addressing your sarcastic comment. “And when one is avoiding the attention of Sherlock Holmes, one learns to be discreet, hence this place and hence phoning when you were outside 221B Baker Street.”

           “Ah,” you nod. You should’ve known this had something to do with him. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think Sherlock has a reputation worse than yours. “Sherlock Holmes. The man of the hour. You know, everyone seems so interested in him. Care to tell me what your interest is?”

           He smirks. “You don’t seem very afraid.”

           “Trust me, I’ve been in far worse situations. This,” you gesture around you. “A damp warehouse and some power trip in an overpriced suit? Not my first.”

           “Right, the Troublemaker. That is what they call you, yes?”

           “My favorite nickname,” you grin proudly, glad to hear it again. This is fun. It’s been a while since you’ve heard it. “You’ve heard of my work then.”

           “Yes, and it seems only obvious you’d run into Sherlock Holmes.” The man sighs, suddenly very focused on the concrete beneath your feet. “What is your connection to him?”

           “Connection?” You scoff. “He’s barely uttered a few complete sentences since I’ve met him. The connection is nonexistent. Well, besides annoying him while he experiments.”

           “But you’re living in 221C.”

           “And you’re spying on me.”

           “I spy on everyone.”

           “What is it you want? I’m impatient.”

           “Yes, I see.” He taps his umbrella on the concrete. “I want you to provide me with…information.”

           “Information? On Sherlock?” You nearly laugh. “He doesn’t sleep. He’s been doing a chemistry experiment since yesterday afternoon and hasn’t finished it yet. And he’s a pain in the ass when he can be. Anything else?”

           He doesn’t seem at all amused. “I meant what cases he’s solving.”

           “Cases? There haven’t been any.” Well, there has. But minor ones. Ones Sherlock, and you quote, “solved without leaving the flat.”

           “And you’ve only known him for four days.”

           “Okay, again, who the hell are you?”

           “An interested party.”

           “Like that means a damn thing to me,” you shake your head. “Waste of my time.”

           “What was that?”

           “This is a waste of my damn time!” You repeat, louder so he can hear you. “What the hell would I get in exchange for giving you meaningless information on Sherlock?”

           “I’d be willing to pay you a large sum of money to…ease the financial burden you’re under.”

           “You would be willing, or you will?”

           He clenches his jaw. You almost smile. Pushing buttons; it’s your favorite hobby. “I will.”

           “Tell me why you’re interested in him.”

           “I worry about him. Constantly.”

           “Not good enough.”

           You’re bound to weasel it out of him. The secret you picked up on from the second you heard a single sentence leave his mouth.

           He’s Sherlock’s brother. You’re not an idiot.

           But he’s not giving up that easily. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

           “Well then,” you shrug. “I’m afraid I’ve suddenly forgotten who Sherlock Holmes is and what he does on a regular basis.”

           “I occupy a minor position in the British government,” he replies, rather quickly because in that lull you had decided to turn and begin walking away. “And I know you have a long history of getting in trouble.”

           “See, now we’re getting somewhere,” you smirk. “You work for the government?” He nods. You narrow your eyes, an idea suddenly coming to mind. “I’ll consider your offer…” You pause, crossing your arms over your chest. “If you can do me an added favor.”

           He seems pleased with this progression. “And what might that be?”

           “You know I have a record.” He nods. “Wipe it.”

           “I’m sorry?”

           “Clean slate,” you continue. “Erase all the charges. Give me a fresh start.”

           “Does this mean the Troublemaker is retiring?”

           “Christ, no,” you laugh. “I’m too young to retire.” You would just prefer to not run for your life for a while. Something about living on Baker Street has changed that in you.

           He narrows his eyes, weighing the options. “Alright. Done.”

           “Done?” You scoff. “You expect me to just take your word for it?”

           He tosses a roll of cash in your direction, a surprised look crossing his features when you catch it effortlessly with one hand. “Is that better than my word?”

           You raise your eyebrows. There’s more here than you’ve ever held in your hand at one time. This will last ages if you spend it right. “Much.”

           “I’ll be in touch,” he pauses, “when your slate is wiped clean as you say.”

           You smirk. “Pleasure doing business with you,” you begin backing away, and under your breath, low enough so he can’t hear, you add, “Mr. Holmes.”

Upon arriving back at Baker Street, you head past your flat and up to the boy’s. You’re surprised to find John has gone out, leaving Sherlock in his chair – thinking.

           You lean against the doorframe. “I was just speaking with your brother.”

           Sherlock doesn’t move.

           “He’s rather annoying, isn’t he?”

           “Who, Mycroft? Yes.”

           “Mycroft Holmes,” you mutter. “Doesn’t have the same ring to it as Sherlock Holmes.”

           This causes Sherlock to open his eyes, almost glaring at you.

           “Come to the store with me,” you try.

           “No.”

           “You don’t even know why.”

           “Fine then,” he huffs. “Why?”

           You smirk, knowing that he’s only asking to make fun of you. “I need help carrying stuff back here.”

           “No.”

           “An ass when he can be,” you shake your head, chuckling. “When will John be back?”

           “I don’t know when he left.”

           “Alright.”

           You head back down the stairs to your flat, chuckling to yourself. You hadn’t expected anything less from Sherlock. You merely wanted to let him know you’d spoken with Mycroft, and see if you could annoy him in the process.

           Mission accomplished, you’d say.

           And Sherlock would agree. Back in 221B, he resumes his thinking, but his mind is now clouded. An unfortunate thing that has been bothering him for the past four days, and he hasn’t found the cause yet. No amount of thinking has provided him with a good enough answer.

           He stands abruptly, grabbing his violin from the desk and begins playing a random tune.

           Down in your flat, you smile at the sound, moving to leave your door open so you can hear him play more clearly.

           This is the first time you’ve heard him play.

 ~~~

John comes through the door some hours later, groaning because when he left, Sherlock was playing the violin, so now that he’s returned home to the same sound, he only wants to bang his head on the wall. You almost let out a laugh at how shocked his face looks when he passes by your door to see it wide open, willingly letting the sound travel inside.

           He knocks on the doorframe, not noticing you sitting in the middle of your living room floor with a book. The sight almost startles him. Something as mundane as reading a book is not something he pictured you enjoying.

           “Did you mean to leave your door open?”

           You give him a strange look, closing the book in your hands. “I did.”

           “Oh. Okay.”

           You offer him a smile. You can always tell when he wants to say something else, but never does. “What is it now?”

           “Nothing…have you eaten?”

           For some reason, he’s been concerned with your eating habits since he met you. You aren’t sure what brought it on, but it has become a bit over-bearing.

           So, you change the subject. “I meant to,” you stand to your feet, leaving the book on the floor. “But I was paid a visit by Sherlock’s brother.”

           “Mycroft?”

           You nod.

           “What was he doing here?”

           “Not here,” you shake your head. “I was out at the record store and got a call. Next thing I knew I was in a warehouse talking to some power trip in an overpriced suit.” You roll your eyes. Regardless of what you got out of the encounter – which is so far only some cash because Mycroft hasn’t been in touch yet – it still wasted your damn time.

           “Power trip in an overpriced suit,” John chuckles. “That sounds like Mycroft.” He pauses, a thought occurring to him. “Did he tell you he was Sherlock’s brother?”

           “God, no, he’s not stupid. But neither am I. After he said one sentence I knew exactly who he was.”

           “Did you tell him?”

           “‘Course not,” you smile. “Remember? I’m not stupid.”

           “Yes, well,” he shakes his head with a laugh. “Did you accept his offer?”

           John’s eyebrows raise when you nod. “I had one condition, but yeah.”

           “What was it?”

           As if on cue, your cellphone chimes in your pocket.

Done. –MH

           You smirk. “And my condition has been met.” You look up to find John still giving you a confused look. “Oh, I asked him to wipe my criminal record clean.”

           “You had a criminal record?”

           “Don’t look so shocked. Don’t we all have a record?” You roll your eyes, bending down to grab the book. “Anyway, that was him,” you give your phone a little shake. “He wiped it clean.”

           “So you’re just going to give him information about Sherlock, then?”

           “What more do I tell him? I already told him he doesn’t sleep or eat, he just sits around thinking.”

           “Well…”

           “JOHN!”

           You both jump, the loud exclamation startling you, but John looks less startled and a little annoyed.

           “We have a case, I’m guessing?” John calls back, shaking his head. “I guess we’re going out.”

           “We’re?”

           John gives you a look. “Yeah, you can come with. I could use someone else around on these things.” He turns, then pauses, “Hurry. He’s impatient.”

           Knowing that to be a fact – and being fairly impatient yourself – you slip into your heels (they’re closest) and follow John out into the hallway. Sherlock meets you both there, a smirk settling over his lips when he sees you’ll be joining them.

           The three of you climb into the taxi that Sherlock so forcefully hailed after barely stepping foot outside the flat.

           You sit beside John, but in between him and Sherlock. The silence isn’t as deafening because you can feel the excitement rolling off of Sherlock’s body.

           “Would you mind introducing yourself as Y/N Watson?” John suddenly asks, gaining your attention.

           You raise an eyebrow. “Why?” Your first thought is John wanting you to be a Watson, which will never happen. You’re a L/N, for Christ’s sake. You always have been.

           And the look John gives you tells you that he wasn’t intending for that subtext. “I just mean it would make this easier to explain.”

           “But this is none of their business.”

           He tries again. “It’ll make them quicker to trust you.”

           “You know I don’t care about trust.”

           “I know you don’t, but they do.”

           “He means it’s easier for their simple minds to think that you’re trustworthy by introducing yourself with the last name Watson rather than saying Y/N L/N and adding on the fact that you’re John’s half-sister he just happened to meet four days ago.” Sherlock barely moves an inch while he speaks, but does once he finishes to give the two of you a look. “It saves time.”

           “We were too loud,” you snicker to John. “Interrupted his thinking.”

           “Yes,” is all Sherlock replies with, but you see him turn his head to hide a smile. A smile Sherlock feels his brain beginning to scold the action, wondering why he would need to hide a smile or smile at all, for that matter. You had interrupted his thinking. That was something he should be frustrated with, not smiling about.

           You smirk. John gives you a strange look, your attitude toward Sherlock still being a first for him. He remembers being royally pissed at the man for the first few weeks he lived with him until he finally got used to the comments he makes and the way he behaves. But you seem to take everything in stride, with an amused smirk.

           When you reach the crime scene, which is a fancier looking hotel, you’re more than confused. You know Sherlock can observe and make deductions from just about anything, but what is the point of analyzing the crime scene if they’ve obviously taken the body to the morgue?

           That one is too easy to notice. There’s an obvious, cleaned bloodstain on the concrete outside the hotel. And there’s too many people mulling about. They’re not going to keep the body here if the hotel is still operating as usual – which they no doubt are. A hotel that looks like this has to have a reputation they want to uphold, and part of that reputation would not be that they left a dead body lying on their sidewalk.

           As soon as you get closer to the building, you recognize a certain face, immediately cursing under your breath and nudging John. “I think plan Y/N Watson isn’t going to work.”

           “What? Why?”

           You faintly hear Sherlock mutter his deduction. “Because Y/N and Lestrade have already met.” John’s head whips around to give Sherlock a bewildered look.

           “Y/N L/N,” Lestrade shakes his head, walking over with an almost shit-eating grin on his face. “Didn’t I arrest you just last year?”

           “That was me. How’ve you been Gerald?”

           He frowns. “It’s Greg.”

           You grimace. “Right.”

           “Bloody hell,” he groans. “First Sherlock, now you?”

           “Sorry,” you shrug, trying to lighten the blow. You’ve always been awful with his name in particular.

           “I got a call this morning,” Lestrade continues. “Telling me all your charges had been dismissed. What’s that about?”

           “Hm,” you smirk. “No idea.”

           Lestrade begins to ask you for a more in-depth response – because he knows you know, especially if you’re hanging around Sherlock Holmes and John Watson now – but you’re off and following Sherlock into the crime scene before Lestrade can even blink. John just sighs, giving the detective a smile before following after his half-sister.

           “The body is at the morgue already,” Lestrade announces when he reaches the hotel room, right behind John. “You’ve got five minutes Sherlock.”

           “I only need two,” Sherlock replies, lifting his head from the nightstand. “But thank you for your overwhelming generosity.”

           You roll your eyes, poking about the room aimlessly. You’re not expecting to find anything. You’ve met enough people to be able to analyze them when you meet them, but analyzing their hotel room? Not exactly your area of expertise.

           Nor do you particularly care about it all that much.

           “I don’t understand what we’re supposed to get from this,” you huff, kicking a random shoe over to the corner. It knocks into an open suitcase. “Whoever it was, obviously wasn’t here long.”

           Once Sherlock finishes his examination, which takes all of those five minutes, he stands, abruptly announcing, “I need to see the body.”

           Great. Now you’re off to a morgue.

           You follow John out the door and back into the street, Sherlock busy with hailing a taxi. While you’re waiting, you see Lestrade walking up with another smile.

           “Try and keep yourself out of trouble, okay?”

           “Lestrade…” You shake your head with a grin, seeing Sherlock stop a taxi out of the corner of your eyes. “You do remember my name, don’t you?”

           “Yes, I do, Troublemaker,” he sighs. “Just don’t get yourself arrested.”

           “Oh, I plan on it,” you smirk, sliding into the taxi after John, shutting the door behind you.

           You actually don’t plan on it. You never plan on getting arrested, really. It sort of just…happens. But then again, you did ask Mycroft to wipe your record clean for the sake of starting fresh. You think you can go a few more days without getting into serious trouble, maybe longer if Sherlock keeps you as entertained as he is doing now.

           Cases, even though this is your first, appear to be fun. Mind racing, adrenaline pumping. The same feeling you get when you scale buildings.

           You sigh, suddenly feeling a wave of nostalgia for the activity. You haven’t had fun in a while like that. Maybe one day soon.

[acosmic]

thots on dolls, i'm curious abt how u got into them/what u like abt them

dolls are neat! sometimes you’re a fourteen-year-old kid with unrestricted internet access living in a town without art and a best friend who you hate as much as you hate yourself -- but this friend has good taste sometimes and oh no

they show you, or you find, this, and it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. (taste is an acquired thing, i don’t know what i was thinking). and then there’s her (it’s been eight years and i’d still sell my soul for her) and her and these and these and even this hideous fucker has amazing detailed construction and tiny intricate details if you look closely even though he’s ugly as all hell (his owner and i are no longer friends, he was not a factor but i’m so glad i get to trash him because jesus christ what IS that). and you look into it a bit further and holy shit you can customize them, they come in one colour and sometimes in pieces and when you’re doing their makeup you’re actually pretty much adding their skin since they don’t have blood vessels or freckles or anything. and you can make their clothes and wigs and shoes (it’s way cheaper that way) and there are wildly different sizes and styles and levels of poseability and they only really became a thing in the late 90s so the older ones look simplistic and awkward but they still look sweet. some of them have intense expressions, or stylized ones, but most of them only come with one face and photographing them is like making postmortem pictures look lifelike.

they have this weird sense of personality to them, even the serene-looking ones. when i bought ada (third link above), it was kind of terrifying? she was tiny and fragile and the seller didn’t put her head on and she came in a pink child-size shoebox with all these tiny tiny clothes and accessories with her face painted on (here she is) and she was literally seventeen centimetres tall. i hate kids, i’m not a fan at all, but it was like seeing a new baby. and then she was a brat! she doesn’t like holding poses, her limbs snap around, her head lolls around on its socket, and she goes cross-eyed if you bump her slightly. she can’t decide on a hairstyle or eye colour, she hated her original face and she hates how i redid it, and she’s too tiny and delicate to take anywhere. i love her so fucking much. i’ve had her since i turned sixteen, and i’m twenty-two now. the reason i like lola so much isn’t just that hesitant alien is a kickass album, it’s because there’s this weird little creature and it’s you and it’s also not you and it’s your best friend and a strong critic of your every move and it’s cute and it’s fuzzy and it’s not real like a person but it’s kind of more real than that?

other dolls are cool too. i’ve spent more time with this $40 impulse purchase than i have with all $200 USD of ada, and i love her a lot too, but in a different way. some people use dolls to “shell” their characters, but mine tend to just happen, and ada’s character is more important than emi’s, no matter how cooperative emi is. one of my other oldest dolls is a pair of legs (because she’s the type you can buy as separate parts) and i keep putting off assembling her entire body because she feels like art and she’s kind of my favourite weird sculpture now. even the ones that don’t work out are really neat to have around -- most doll hobbyists sell members of their collection that don’t work, some are like revolving doors, others keep everything, so there’s always a secondhand market going that you can add to or pull from, or just look at for inspiration.

the customization aspect is really fun, too. some of them you have to reinvent from the ground up (i finally got a blythe and that’s what i’ll be doing with her as soon as my WIP list is at a better point), others you have weirder tasks on, like dyeing or repainting a body to revitalize it/suit a character (doing that to a unoa kit like the one pictured above) or modifying it to improve poseability or visuals (i’ve been hacking at a barbie body so she can bend her legs to fit in her wheelchair). sculpting your own dolls is a super-involved process, but i’ll do that eventually too (reading books about it is really meditative, especially since they tend to be in other languages so you have to inspect the pictures super closely. it’s like targeted dreaming). making doll clothing was a really strong draw for me for a while -- i wasn’t happy with how i exist in a body and it’s never the way i want, so i used dolls as kind of clothing horses for styles or designs i wouldn’t or couldn’t wear myself. now that i feel better about that, the dolls just kind of get what they want (and i’ve been neglecting them to sew for myself lmao but they don’t mind).

my phases run in weird cycles, so i’m really out of the loop on new developments relating to anything other than mattel inc. (the fashion doll community on tumblr is great), but it seems like the hobby is getting a lot more creative and a lot less stale than it was the first couple of times i was really into it. it’s this fluid, ever-changing thing that makes jumping back in really interesting (and a lot of work), but there’s still this comforting base to it that stays the same (use respiratory protection and high-quality materials when doing faceups, don’t buy recasts, volks/fairyland/alchemic labo are popular and cute). and if you swap doll types, there’s months/years more of entertainment. (i have big gay autism, or, like, adhd-autism crux/combination, and research is so fun)

dolls are great! they’re like muses, photography subjects, OCs, clothes horses, mascots, art projects, and (sometimes) investments all at once. whatever kind of phase i’m in, there’s something i can do with them. and they’re good company, and great for decoration and indulging your goth sensibilities and freaking out your visitors if you feel like it

random bag of onions to finish off: creepy and cute are accidental and if you deliberately aim for them you’ll get boring off-base results, what kayla said about s*x dolls applies to other types of doll too (if you try to put too many conventionally attractive features together you’ll just end up with something uncanny and grotesque instead of something really beautiful), toyetic design is for babies, doll hobbyists esp. forum communities still have a lot of unconscious biases esp. racism and homophobia to unpack, recasting is art theft and is killing the community via its artists but barbie/blythe/integrity knockoffs are basically a moral responsibility, and art dolls with huge hips are the new minifee chloes

[akamaiden]

Teasing Game

A/N: Hi there! It's been literally ages that I don't write anything, so I'm sorry if this sucks completely. Give me some feedback, please?!

Gif belongs to: @peaceisadirtyword

Pairing: Alex Høgh Andersen x Reader.

Requested by anonymous: “A smut where the reader is Alex’s cousin and tease him in all family meetings. But he resists bc she’s underage.”

Warnings: Teasing, fingering etc, nothing too dirty.

Words: 1,350.

Having a free time long enough to take a flight to Denmark and see his family was one of the most enjoyable things that Alex did. After he was cast to be Ivar The Boneless in Vikings his life changed a lot. He had moved to Dublin, so he could be closer to the sets, etc and this made difficult for him to do simple things like spend the holidays with his family.

Alex had started acting mostly as a hobby, but now, he loved his profession. But it was tough sometimes. He missed his family, he missed Denmark, he missed his old life where he could walk freely on the streets without being stopped for fans.

At the same time that he was exhausted considering the insane routine, he was happy because his family was something that always cheered up his humor. 

But even that he was anxious to see his family again, his smile faded away as soon as his eyes landed on Jane, one of his cousins. They used to be friends during their childhood, but when the girl was 16 she decided that even that Alex was her cousin and he was older than her, it was a good idea to grow found a crush on him.

This started with one or two actions that made Alex rethink about their relationship and proximity. But now? Alex was having a hard time trying not to have a boner while she was palming his cock casually while Jane talked with her best friend.

God, he tried to run away, he tried to stop her, he tried literally anything but everything that he could do just made her cousin more and more interested in sneaking into his bed.

“Goodammnit!” Alex cursed under his breath while he punched the table lightly. His reaction made Jane giggle.

“You okay, Alex?” you asked trying to understand the angry look in Alex's face. 

Before he could answer happily, Jane's mother called her and she finally left the room.

You watched Alex's shoulders relax while he was breathing heavily. You were nothing else than Jane's best friend, so you had a slight idea of her insane crush on her cousin.

“You should stop her, y'know?” you said and took a sip of your beer.

“What do you think I'm doing?” Alex snapped at you.

“Enjoyning the attention?” 

“Are you crazy just like her, Y/N? I consider Jane like a sister,” 

“Well, why don't you tell her that again?” you asked nonchalantly.

“I don't know what else can I do to make her understand! She's my cousin, she's only 17 for Christ's sake!” Alex exclaimed quite desperate.

“Why don't you get a fake dating kind of thing? C'mon, you're an actor, you can resolve this in a blink of an eye,”

“It's not that easy,”

“Why don't you confess that you enjoy all that attention?” you asked.

“God, no! This is disgusting. She's just a kid,” Alex insisted.

“A kid that give you a hard time,” you said laughing ironically.

“This ain't fun, okay?” Alex said grumpily.

“Okay, darling Alex, what do you want? Do you want help with your little problem?” you said.

“Little?” he sounded almost offended.

“Whatever, look it's almost midnight and I need to sleep. Tomorrow I'll go out with Jane so you'll have a free day,” you said.

Alex just gave you a shot nod and you went to the room that you shared with Jane. At some point of the night you woke up with your throat begging for some water. 

You got up from the bed trying not to wake Jane up, much to your relief she was a heavy sleeper. 

Once in the kitchen, you opened the frigde and served yourself a cup of water. You were so distracted that you didn't hear when Alex joined you in the room.

“I thought I was the only one that wasn't having a nice night of sleep,” 

“Oh fuck!” you cursed under your breath, Alex scared you to say the very least.

“Did I scare you?” he asked chuckling.

“Yeah, whatever,” you answered.

Your answer made him laugh even more what attracted your eyes to his figure. He was wearing just a pair of grey sweatpants and for all that's holy, he was absolutely gorgeous. You always considered him just another cute guy, but now you were understanding what was all the fuss about him that made literally any girl lose their shit. 

“See something you like?” he asked making you blush.

“You're not that bad, y'know?” you said shrugging.

“Do you think so?” he asked getting closer to you, pressing your body against his and the fridge.

“Yeah,” your voice sounded weaker than what you expected.

You didn't know if it was your nerves, or the situation, but you already could feel the goosebumps forming in your skin and your breath becoming heavier and heavier. And God, he was so close.

“You know, I could kiss you right now,” he said.

“I dare you,” you said.

He laughed and crashed your lips with his. For one second you thought that you'd melt on his arms, because the sensation was overhelming.

You honestly didn't know where all that came from, but you weren't complaining either. 

Alex's lips were plump and delicious, they reached for yours, nibbling, biting, licking and involving you in a lustful kiss.

His arms were suddenly running your sides, grabbing at your waist, wanting you closer and closer. 

Before you could stop him, he was helping you to get even closer to his body, your legs were on his waist, your hands were on his hair, your lips were producting the most sensual noises, needy moans, urgent breaths, his name called in a desperate sigh. 

“Alex, fuck, please,” you said while you were rolling your hips against his aching cock that his clothes did so little to hide from you.

But he was so busy to even hear you, his voice was marking you with violent kisses, bites and everything else he could think of. 

You needed him, you needed him desperately. That was what motivated you to pull his hair, making him groan loudly. 

“I want you,” you said.

No matter if that was one night stand, all you could think was to be his, even if it was only that time.

“I can see that sweetheart,” he said but finally laid you down on the kitchen counter. 

“No, not here,” you almost squealed.

“I want you right now,” he said already taking your clothes off. 

You were ready to discuss about this with him, but you lost any coherent thought when his long fingers touched your dripping pussy.

“Shit,” you moaned when he started playing with your little bundle of nerves.

“Look at me, sweetheart. I'd hate to stop what I'm doing just because you're not looking at me,” he said and plunged two fingers inside your pussy.

“Alex!” you moaned rolling your eyes.

“Say my name, sweetheart” he said and slowly, so slowly he increased the pace of his fingers.

“Are you close?” he asked when he felt your inner walls contracting around his fingers.

“Yes, yes,” you moaned shamelessly.

He looked at you attentively and when you were about to cum, when he observed that your legs started trembling, he simply stopped.

It took you some time to understand what he just did, but when you finally came back to your senses you wanted to kill him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you said angrily.

“What? We don't want that our dear Jane catch us together, right?” he asked.

“You fucker!” you said rolling your eyes at him.

Alex laughed and helped you to get off the kitchen counter and once you were back on your feet he kissed you passionately, urgently, he left you breathless.

“C'mon we don't have room enough here, I think it's time for you to know my room,” he said and guided you to his room.

Well, if he wanted to play this teasing game, you could guarantee that you two would have a really good time together.

Tags: @dangerousvikings @meeeeeeeeeps @ivaraddict @alicedopey @ivarswickedqueen @queen-see-ya-in-valhalla @attorneyl @laketaj24 @captstefanbrandt @moondustmemories @readsalot73 @holydream @grungyblonde @cbouvier23 @hallowed-heathen @therealcalicali @missrandomista @dewy-biitch @moose-squirrel-asstiel

[the-ash0]

surviving paradise chapter 27 hobby

As the night wears on, a lone female of the species has succumbed to sleep in the safety of her natural burrow. Little does she realise the walls of her own creation will offer no protection tonight, for the predator on the prowl has already found its way within these corridors. A little drama is about to take place. A young life about to be snuffed out.

Sleek and black as the night, the predator stalks her, moving from shadow to shadow. He moves so fluidly he does not even trigger Capsule Corp’s movement-sensitive lights, and the hallways remain dark and deceptively peaceful. Ki sparks suddenly and grows quickly into a ball, small yet deadly in its potency, as she only just stirs from her slumber. She never had a chance.

“Bang, you’re dead!” The ki cracks inches from her face. Her eyes flutter once, then open wide as she realises her impending doom. A loud screech, the ki-light snuffs out, replaced by the flickering of ceiling lights, and finally dead silence. She stares up at me with unseeing eyes from her spot against the wall where she had dozed off. Unmoving.

I hold it together for a full five seconds before I burst into laughter.

The sound finally pulls her from her stupor. “Jesus-fucking-christ Vegeta!” she manages, after a few panicked gulps of air.

I think she stopped breathing there for a while. Hilarious. Not to mention the smell of fear on her is more than satisfactory. So she does still scare, at least when I catch her off guard.

She slowly pulls herself to her feet, visibly shaken, and her glare sets me into a fit of laughter that physically hurts. Cutting off with a wheeze, I restrain myself from holding my ribs. “Oh, the expression on your face right now, it’s simply priceless!”

Bulma swallows, bends over once more with her hands on her knees, then straightens herself with effort. “I’m so happy you’ve found yourself a hobby, Vegeta. Of course it would have to involve scaring people to death. Feeling better now?”

Yes, actually. I do. Feels great. Anyway, she deserves it; she’s the one that started with the stalking. I caught her staking out my room; and even with her asleep sneaking by would have done little good; she’d have heard me close the door. Just yesterday, when I did and she woke to realise her mistake, she talked to my closed door for over an hour and kept me up, because I wouldn't let her in. My current mood soured, I harrump, and move for my escape.

She cuts me off. “Oh right. Now I remember what I was here for. Hey, want to hang out tonight, catch a movie?”

I blink at her. “It’s three a.m.?” I trained too late, got too little done. I set goals, but fell short and quit only when it became obvious I was too exhausted to do more. It took all of my energy just to take a shower, and all I want now is sleep. I’m too tired to even eat, let alone watch some silly make-believe film.

This is where she does the thing I really hate: she smiles. Not just any smile, but the fake one. Friendly, polite, helpful. I hate that smile. I also hate it that she knows just when to pounce, when I’m too tired to fight her manipulations. “I’d have hoped to start one a few hours ago for sure. But it’s okay. We have our own theatre down in the basement. I’ll let you pick a movie?”

She is so persistent. Guess I sort of asked for that, but... “If this is another attempt at relaxing me, just forget it.” Yes. I regret asking for help, but I can still rectify that mistake. Tell her no to her face. It’s too stupid an idea to work, besides her presence will only be detrimental in the end. I know. I can tell. “Just go hang with your loser friends instead. I’m not interested.”

I push her out of the way, make it to my door. But the word no is apparently not in her vocabulary. She squeezes herself between me and the door once more before I can wrench it open. “Oh, come on Vegeta. They’re all out training. And I’ve waited on you so long everyone would be asleep by now anyway. You woke me up good, and besides,” she winks, “you want to be a Super Saiyan, right?”

I debate opening the door anyway, and just knocking it against her head. She’s asking for it with the way she jabs out her chin at me, arms behind her, thrusting out her chest. But the female breaks easily. I might kill her. Though it feels we might be heading that way regardless. How do I make her stop without killing her? “It’s late. I already showered. I just want to sleep.”

Yes, I was going to try her theory. But that was before... Before I realised. Can’t she see the warning signs? Perhaps she has no survival instincts at all, because none of those obvious markers of doom slow her down. Instead, she lets her eyes rove down my chest. It makes me glad I put on a shirt, but the self-conscious tingle in my spine already tells me it will do me little good. She’s found an offence, and my chances of getting any rest are lost. “Obviously. Did you even bother to change your bandages? And what? Is that blood? You’re bleeding through your shirt. Again. What you need is first-aid.”

I’m always bleeding. Which seems like a lousy argument, even to me. So I don't really fight her when she grabs my hand and pulls me away with a sigh, grumbling like I’m making her do this. “Come on, let me fix you up. Again. There goes my movie night.”

She steers us to a guest room next to mine, set up with medical supplies. There’s even one of those flat table-beds instead of the soft ones humans prefer to sleep in. I half sit, half lean on it as she retrieves the right supplies, then take off my shirt in resignation. I didn't really think on this room enough, I realise now. She must have set up this place for my benefit, because no one else ever uses it. It’s annoying, she’s taking too much interest in me. Making too much of it. Still she clicks her tongue at me, like she’s the one that’s bothered. “Did you just pull off the old bandages?”

Yeah? “You wanted me to shower with them? How am I supposed to dry off?” I think I better not mention I did just that last time and then I tried to dry off with my ki. The heat then caused the bandages to shrink, and, well, that was just a mess. Not sure how such weak creatures as you humans even survived with this sad attempt at medicine.

“Maybe warn me next time? I can get them off without pulling the crusts off.” She still makes that attempt at a stern voice, shakes her head. Who does she think she is anyway? Oh, yeah. Let’s ask you to fuss over me. Like you need excuses for that. Does she have some kind of nurse fetish? That would explain why she can't leave me alone anymore. Then again, she could just be that bored.

Training is apparently done far away from Capsule Corp. I’m not sure why, because the only useful place to do so should be the gravity room. Then again, perhaps the men of Earth know something I am only now becoming aware of. Something to do with this vixen, I imagine.

She starts swaddling my biceps in silence, but soon breaks it, any quiet obviously as alien to her as she to me. “Are you sure you’re training the right way?” I blink. It's like she read my mind, and she taps my busted ribs. “Strength training should be about micro tears. The ones that heal within days.” She taps a little to the side of my latest wound. “But this one is not yet healed, and now there’s a new bruise? You’re layering them, not giving your muscles time to heal. Are you sure this is how Saiyans get stronger?”

Uhm. I have no idea what this ‘micro’ stuff is. I know Zenkai: you nearly kill yourself, then get stronger. That is a little difficult to do with training, even with the added gravity. I think I’m doing a decent job... Okay, training is not a thing I have much practice in. It was just not done by Frieza’s men, and I used to just run the front lines until I needed to be dragged off for healing, counting on the Zenkai power boost unique to Saiyans. But I’m not about to tell this nosy minx any of that. “Mind your own business.”

She keeps talking, a string of words that I tune out as I wonder if she’s going to release me soon. Why am I allowing this? I must be even more tired than I thought, because I can feel my eyelids droop. Maybe the woman has a sort of zenkai too. The harder I push her away, the more determined she becomes. So maybe if I just stop pushing, she’ll get tired of it? I know I am. Perhaps I can just pass out here. That wouldn’t be so bad. Just when I think I might, her voice lulling me to sleep, her touch makes me jump.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

She snorts at me over my shoulder, her breath brushes the back of my neck. “Relax.”

For fuck’s sake. “Can you stop saying that word?”

She strokes her fingers over the sides of my neck again, all the way to my shoulders. “I’m just trying to smooth some of the tension out. What, am I hurting you?”

“Oh, please. Your weak little human fingers couldn’t possibly —ouch!” I regret running my mouth, twice over. Damn, why can’t she just leave me be? I guess when I stop pushing her back she’ll just overstep the next boundary. I take her hand away and twist to look over my shoulder at her. “Fucking cut it out.”

“What, the big bad Saiyan can’t handle a little massage?” She snorts again, that little twinkle back in her eye.

“We are done here.” Why can't she see I’m trying? Trying not to... Fuck, at this point I’m practically saving her life here.

“What? You say you want to become Super Saiyan, but when you have to try anything new you just balk. A massage is a basic part of any athlete’s schedule. It’s relaxing, helps muscles recover, and I might mention that Goku loves them.”

I move to stand and slam my hands on the table-bed, only just restraining myself from smashing it to pieces. “Don’t compare me to that third-rate—”

“Why not? He’s got what you want, right? It only makes sense to look for what you’re doing different. Or, what? You’re scared of little old me touching you?” She’s taunting, daring me. Seriously, if my hand slips at this point I think I can make a case for her having committed suicide.

Breathe. I pull my fingers out of the table, deep indents in the metal. I weigh my options. Kill her, and run before Kakarot comes to exact revenge? That would be cowardly. Leave, altogether, without killing her? Still cowardly. Explain to her…

How should I explain? Of course, I’m not scared of her. Well, not scared of her as a person; just this, this thing she keeps doing. This will end badly. It always ends badly. Someone will get hurt. Someone will end up dead. I go for the short version. “I am going to kill you.”

I cringe as she laughs, a tinkle of unworried silver. “How’s this then? I’m going to give you a proper massage, fifteen minutes tops. And if you don’t feel good after, you can kill me.”

I scoff at her. Seems she’s set on ending up dead either way. Well, I tried. At least I tried.

the rest is on https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338988/chapters/35590152 

or ff.net

[lilietsblog]

list of pros and cons of Rurouni Kenshin

Cons: - never ever google the author. It will make you sad and probably not want to pick up his manga ever again. So, don't. The manga is pretty good. You can always find out about the problematic (TM) stuff after you're done with it. Remember, Death of the Author; - WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF EXISTING AND BEING A MAJOR PART OF THE PLOT WITHOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH A MAN FROM THE MAIN CAST. Like, jesus fucking christ. It's so unnecessary. I mean it doesn't actually??? have much impact on the plot??? the actual events happening are still really good there's just this really stupid detail??? I’m not even asking they not be hetero but can one of them be in love with like a random baker or something and just friends with the main cast wouldn’t that be cool; - can we be done with the Good Woman Saving a Bad Man trope now. please. I mean it doens't seem to be played straight mostly the men figure shit out themselves and women just play support BUT THAT IS NOT MUCH BETTER TBH; - I think this is it, I've run out of cons. Uh, the faces aren't very different? Like, the designs are distinct, but the author has just one 'girl face' and all the girls and half the guys have it. It's kinda sad; - I mean if this were a feminist story written by a woman I would have Many Comments about how the gender ratio sure isn't 50/50 and what was up with that one Gay Guy Who Crossdresses Because Too Gay but tbh??? if you just hold it to the sadly low Average Standards it doesnt have much but what it has is Good

Pros: - from the writer's notes sections I'm getting the feeling he's a history nerd so while this is mostly fictino if you ignore the characters and look just at the setting COOL HISTORICAL SHIT TO LEARN. the juxtaposition of those Historical Traditional Outfits and the fact it's the end of the fucking 19th century and the characters send telegrams to each other KEEPS BLOWING MY MIND and it's really cool; - nobody is expendable, even property damage is A Major Thing That Needs To Be Dealt With; - PERSONALLY MEGUMI I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE GETS A WHOLE ARC OF HER OWN AND THEN TO STAY IN THE STORY AND DO BACKGROUND STUFF SHE IS A DOCTOR AND SHE IS AMAZING (although see point 2 >_>) - the very existence of Tae, whose only point in existing was "I thought the main female character should have a female friend and went from there" and now she's a pretty regular side character who occasionally Matters and has her own personality and hobbies? The only point of her existence is to pass Bechdel's Test and huh I'm actually not sure if it's been passed because of how strongly the story is focused on the male protagonist but yea the author genuinely does consider the fact that Women Have Female Friends absolutely obvious; - expanding on that, the very existence of Misao the explanation for who is basically "he moved away from the main female character and they'll be apart for some while so the story needed a new heroine in the meantime". and no shes not a love interest!!! the author just considered having a badass female character Around an absolutely indispensable part of the story. god I love Misao; - I have some eehhhhs about Kaoru, for a deuteragonist she's kinda bland and underdeveloped but What Is There Is Very Good. I particularly love the part where she teaches at a dojo and the guys question her skill except when the dojo is challenged they all chicken out and she doesnt even belong there shes a visitor and yet she accepts the challenge. god Kaoru is great. and like structure-wise it wasn't all that necessary to have the Love Interest be a badass kendo instructor she doesn't do any plot fighting except that one time (And It Was Awesome) its just There because Why Not (also shes not in like... the top leagues, she's Good but not Awesome and she's allowed to be without anyone questioning her credentials as a Badass Girl, there are middle-of-the-road swordsmen too and some of them are women); - overall, this story just doesn't make me want to scream at it WHERE ARE THE WOMEN. the women are there. they are Taken Into Account; - fucking Yumi? jesus f. christ fucking Yumi I didn't even know about that little historical detail her backstory reveals WELL NOW I KNOW AND YUMI IS AMAZING. I kept an eye on her from the first moment she appeared and while I thought she'd turn out to be a spy THE REALITY DID NOT DISAPPOINT EITHER; - okay so can we talk about the overall theme of "the weak deserve the protection of the strong" and "if some of the Cool Ancient Traditions are lost for the sake of the era of peace then So Be It totally worht it" and "consider this: killing is not good, and the will to live is quite good"; - sure, disabled/disfigured characters and one gay/trans woman??? dude appear just as one-shot-wonder gimmicks but they are just. really well written. like the author throws a dart at a board with 'cool character design ideas' and then turns it into a #relatable person every fucking time. like you'd THINK the person would be a stereotype but THEY NEVER ARE. the character writing is consistently strong, and strongly consistent;

and now a special list of pros just about the protagonist, Himura Kenshin (also known as Himura Battousai) (Himura is the last name) - he's red haired, and red hair is apparently a mark of a usually-ignored Japanese ethnic minority? that's pretty cool; - yes I fall for 'dark and mysterious backstory' every time you got me I'm the fool; - also: girl's face? sold. i just like long hair + elegant face as a design decision for male characters fight me; - he's like??? genuinely kind??? like not just in a grand sacrifice way, he also does stuff like laundry and following up on what happens to the injured and Always Keeps Bystanders In Mind. I have yet to have a 'wtf kenshin' moment at any point in a long serialized work and let me tell you my standards for Actually Good characters are really high; - there's apparently some kind of dark and brooding backstory reason for why he started avoiding killing but also we see an earler backstory and he joined the fighting in the first place to Protect People, so whatever it was, it just reminded him of his original motivations and personality; - he is very mindful of his own brain stuff. like he Knows he is prone to lapsing into mindless violence if he's challenged by a strong opponent and so has to plan ahead; - his master tried to pull a 'killing me is a rite of passage' bullshit move on him and Kenshin was like: but have you considered, how about I make this move so deadly that it's been a rite of passage for every master to die teaching to a student, NOT KILL PEOPLE. how about I do that, have you considered it? and so it was; - oh man dont fucking start me on Kenshin's master he WENT AROUND RANDOMLY SAVING PEOPLE during a chaos of war and he is Fucking Amazing if kinda Mostly Useless (he's useless in a very special amazing way); - Kenshin is most of the time Actually Considerate of People. I know I have already mentioned he was Actually Good above but damn there's just so much of it. I mean this is basically Kenshin Is Good: the manga, and Kenshin Is Good Indeed. like, he??? apologizes to people??? hot damn; - FUCK YES OVERPOWERED CHARACTER WHO IS NONETHELESS CHALLENGED. like no you dont have to make an opponent stronger than him to do that... you just have to oh I don't know make him fight three rly strong people in a row??? put him in a hostage situation?? pit him against a fucking GATLING GUN??? there are so many ways to poke at Kenshin's weak spots that don't involve either challenging his title as The Actual Strongest (tho that happens too) or bringing in the blatant nerf gun. hot damn. how about someone's life depends not just on whether Kenshin wins the fight but on whether he can get there fast enough? oh and of course he's vowed not to kill so that's an added permanent handicap right there. I LIKE IT WHEN OVERPOWERED PROTAGONISTS DONT BREAK THE STORY because it's not a fucking video game and the sliding scale of villain threat DOES NOT FUCKING APPLY jesus christ not every story even needs a villain to fight

basically??? overall, this manga is really good??? it's got the premise I really like in all ways and then on top of that its also got A Good Number Of Well-Written Female Characters and Actually Literally Everyone Is A Well-Written Character and overall The Author Knows What He Is Doing in a way not quite typical for the long serial AND ITS A LONG SERIAL THERE IS SO MUCH GOODNESS

like i said before, it's like if Trigun was written by a competent author and also set in 19th century Japan (holy balls THIS IS 19TH CENTURY JAPAN) (I also get the same cognitive dissonance from works involving the 19th century Russia and Ukraine so this is not exclusive to my bad grasp of Japanese history)