#like can we all just take a step back from the parasociality of this fandom please

[hellcatsandcars]

every time there's an am concert i see comments here on tumblr and my conviction that most people here have never performed in front of an audience grows immensely

[victimsofyaoipoll]

Round 2

Propaganda Under Cut

Misa Amane

she gets treated in-canon the way fandoms treat female characters that Threaten an m/m ship. it's like, "oh why don't you go sit in the corner and be pretty, misa, while the Men have intelligent conversation and pretend they aren't ten seconds from fucking each other, doesn't that sound nice?" it's infuriating. and MAYBE it's better now but i remember her getting treated the same way in fanfiction too, like we all need to do just as badly by our female secondary characters as fucking tsugumi ohba, but with the added insult of making her be alternately oblivious of the relationship between light and L or actively trying to sabotage it—incompetently, of course, because god forbid misa be allowed dignity or moments of cleverness.

she's one of the first characters I think of when I consider old school fandom misogyny. The annoying bitch and clingy crazy gf allegations were AFTER HER ASS. She's also a lot more intelligent than people gave her credit for, but most seem inclined to take the Very Biased word of our unreliable, narcissistic narrator and his homoerotic arch nemesis and claim that just because she's bubbly and into romance that she's also a complete moron. Which is blatantly untrue. Everyone was afraid of Misa girlbossing too hard. Killing people and devoting yourself to the deranged twink of your dreams even though you know he'll never love you back??? Having a hardcore goth aesthetic and being so Hot even literal Death Gods are into you?? God forbid women do ANYTHING!

Not only is she the victim of yaoi culture, she is the victim of early 2000s misogyny by an author that wanted to introduce a girl character because he knew his male rivals were getting too homoerotic. She is a goth bimbo icon who portrays what I think is one of the few callouts for stan culture and what parasocial relationships can do to both the stan and the idol. The fact that she is a toxic fan of Kira and also hot, funny, sociable is tragic in its own way, which I think the author did try to touch on but was too misogynistic too really get through. Of course, she was reduced to villain status by the fandom and anime alike because she got in the way of the supposed romance in their psychological horror anime.

Nancy Wheeler

A lot of fics will make her the “bad guy” to help push their ship of Steve/whichever guy they’re pairing him with. Nancy deserves better than that she is a great character with a lot of depth. While she and Steve don’t have to be besties I hate it when they turn her into some homophobic or bitchy ex just there to propel the story 

Poor girl can't get a break ever

I got back into ST right after S4 came out, and I almost stepped out bc of how rude people were being to Nancy. She was called a bitch for dumping Steve (which was 2 years ago in canon and 6 years irl???) and she was blamed for Steddie (and in at least 1 post, harringgroove, which ugh) not getting together. Basically she got a lot of uncalled for hate for existing, because how dare she be so stubborn and get in Steve and the other characters way!

[sai-lec]

My god people are so miserable in your tags, trying to find a problem everywhere . And btw haven’t you guys wondered that the vibe was maybe just a bit “off” because Carlos was just probably disappointed that he didn’t win that’s it, no need to insult or blame Charles when he did nothing. He won his race beautifully, so no need to be bitter. Some Carlos fans are being really annoying lately sorry

im ngl i dont even think the vibe was weird charles went to celebrate w whoever was collecting the constructors trophy i can’t remember and both of them gave carlos a spray before carlos went to spray max and they chatted before they left the podium like it wasn’t weird to me

but the main thing is people are always going to be like this in fandom . it’s a form of parasocialism in believing that we as viewers can understand the inner workings of our idols from ‘knowing them’ through the screen and coming to ‘recognise’ what we see as behavioural markers . happens all the time that’s why we end up with prominent shipping and rpf cultures in a lot of fanbases bc of our interpretation of how people interact with one another .

it can become obsessive for people, the majority of fandoms i’ve been in have been centred around real people and the subject of ‘truthing’ comes up a lot- the strict determination of a trait or personality of a person based on a second hand perspective of them, where the f in rpf is made redundant and people start to genuinely believe their headcanons of a person are applicable to their real life person . larry stylinson is knocking at the door .

because of parasocial and truthing behaviours peoples perception of drivers becomes tilted on what will best fit the subconscious narrative they are building- lando for instance i believe doesn’t deserve the mass hatred of mischaracterising as an awful person he’s been getting this season. nothing has changed between this season and the last except for the number of wins under his belt .

last year people felt the same hostility towards max . a few years ago it was lewis . its the relationship to our drivers as a competitor that’s changed . and those that pose a bigger threat receive the harsher penalties to their character .

it’s not an issue with carlos fans . it’s not an issue with lando fans or max fans or charles fans or anyone . it’s an issue of parasocialism that’s prevalent in every fandom for every character ever . we see it more for these drivers because they are top 5 drivers and they have larger fan bases . none of us are the big bad .

sometimes it feels like us vs them and i’ll tell you first i felt that way at the start of the season because genuinely i was being flooded with carlos hate in my asks and people posting the most insane negatively parasocial conspiracy theories about carlos having paid out the media to talk about him as if he didn’t just win a grand prix 2 weeks after surgery and be one of the most valuable drivers on the market for 2025 (i still get heated about that bc it was just plain disrespectful) . and yeah it did feel like it was carlos fans vs the lecfosi . because sometimes we let it be .

we build these insanely negative parasocial relationships with drivers and it consumes us. i’ve had to block ferrari fans for constantly posting carlos negativity and no doubt charles fans have had to block some carlos fans for constant driver negativity. lando fans will have gotten death threats over a race result even though that’s an insane thing to do and so have oscar fans .

everyone is annoying all the time we all annoy each other with our parasocial truthing of drivers personalities and the only way it’s actually going to change is if

1) we all take a step back to analyse our own behaviours and how we engage with negative parasocial behaviour

2) we stop making call out posts of ‘x drivers fans are so annoying’ because all it’s doing is reinforcing the narrative we want to build

[lady-phasma]

Hello there, I loved your previous answer to an anon question and you made a comment about your previous experience of getting attached to characters or people because of loneliness and depression. Please can I ask how you overcome that and what perspective you had about this? How did you frame it in your mind? 🥰🥰🥰 I have never really experienced this before and I’m not why but I get happy and then feel sadness because I know im projecting and it’s not real. In my real life I’m pretty confident but I would like to start dating and meeting someone but have a crush on a character or actor has been easier than going out there and approaching people I like. Any advice would be brilliant. Also I have felt that when it has come to people like EM etc the stories about how they actually got there and the way in which they have made sacrifices and had challenges gets glossed over. It’s always look at how well they have done which is right, but not it’s taken lots of hard work and lots of rejections and learning behind closed doors to get them in this position. The glamorisation of actors can be really off putting for me as it’s amazing that they are getting the credit they deserve but the toil to get there is rarely mentioned.

Hi anon! I think this is the ask you are referring to. Thank you. 💜 I'm glad you enjoyed it. Let me tell you today turned out to be the day to ask this. We have gotten so many Ewan crumbs today. It's honestly a bit overwhelming.

I'm going to start with: your emotions are not weird or uncommon! The first thing we have to do is be compassionate with ourselves. I have a couple moots who needed some distance this week, not because of drama, just to be in the real world more and less overwhelmed. I spent half of Sunday without any technology so I could give my brain a break. So do your absolute best to be compassionate toward yourself.

Next, regarding this:

you made a comment about your previous experience of getting attached to characters or people because of loneliness and depression. Please can I ask how you overcome that and what perspective you had about this? How did you frame it in your mind?

This answer will be quite long, settle in. I will use some healthier examples from my Matt Smith fandom and a couple from back when I had a harder time coping. The timing does overlap in my life a bit because Matt has been part of my life since he and I were 25-26 years old (I phrased it like that even though it's odd, because I want people to understand that most of what I am going to be discussing was before I turned 30).

I think this is the comment you were talking about:

lady-phasma: Oh man I have had attachments in the past, at points in my life that could have become obsessions because of loneliness or depression (not applying that to this anon) and have had to take a step back and think "okay I actually don't know this person!"

That's the context here's the first part of the answer. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot. Not for the attachments to actors/public figures, but for what was actually going on with me (which I'm not going to go into too much detail about). My sister and I call these actors "emotional support actors" (gender neutral). There have been times that it wasn't the actor, but a specific character which helped me through a difficult time. When I was in a slowly-dying relationship, Ryan Gosling helped me feel less alone through roles like Drive and Crazy, Stupid Love. I want to be clear that I am not discussing parasocial relationships exactly (here's an article about those that is fairly unbiased). I don't have a problem discussing them and I have possibly unpopular opinions about them, but that's a distinction I wanted to make here. I consumed all the Ryan Gosling content I could for over two years and his movies helped me during my breakup (yes, the relationship ended, thank fuck).

The way that I "overcame" it was by reframing the actor/character in my mind as a tool or coping mechanism (I was thrilled you said "frame" btw). In the recent past I said to a moot "these internet men are going to kill me." That made them laugh because "these internet men" are real people. I have even made posts about that. However, that is one of my ways of creating distance. The Ryan Gosling I learned about, watched every interview of, watched nearly his entire body of work, is not Ryan Gosling and never will be. Neither is Matt or Pedro or Ewan or Gwendoline Christie or any of them. So now, I think of them as tools that I use to give myself some comfort during a difficult time when it starts to escalate.

This is where I'll use Matt as an example because I have been able to do this with him since day one. I have written about it briefly before, the Eleventh Doctor showed up at a time in my life that was very difficult. I had no idea I needed him. It turns out the part was played by a gorgeous and talented actor. I know now that I can turn to Matt's films/tv shows for comfort and keep my emotional distance because, in many ways, he is a figment of my imagination. I'll note here that I also no longer consume detailed personal facts about actors. I know a lot of people enjoy that but outside of knowing things Matt has said in interviews and his birthday and height I have no clue who he dates and when. No idea where he likes to vacation or grab a pint. This applies to any actor I like: the less I know, the better. That helps me from thinking that I know them. (I hope I explained that well.)

As you said, a projection. Watching his Doctor Who episodes is the same as a weighted blanket. It is comforting, self-care, and gives me space to not think.

I'm going to tie this into your other main question:

In my real life I’m pretty confident but I would like to start dating and meeting someone but have a crush on a character or actor has been easier than going out there and approaching people I like.

Ask any moot who knows me well and they can tell you I have a personal rule: if I start to have daydreams about meeting Matt I shut that shit down fast. And I mean fast. As soon as I realize I've done it I stop, take a step back, and use my self-awareness to isolate what I need in that moment. Am I lonely, hungry, overwhelmed, tired, anxious? This is personal boundary for me. I love daydreams but I want to maintain my on-going fangirling for Matt as long as possible. This approach works for me because maybe I need to text a friend or do some yoga or even get on a dating app. We can't always identify what the need is but it helps me to try. I am confident as well and have had lots of partners when I have the energy to put into those interactions. I don't always have that energy. I know why it's easier for me to crush/fangirl though this may not be your reason: I don't have to give up a single aspect of my life to another person, I don't have to be vulnerable because these are completely one sided situations. Matt will never ask me to meet his mom. Ewan will never need me to pick him up if he has a flat time. My time and my energy remain my own.

I don't have any kind of advice really. I'm aroallo and omnisexual and a cis female and you might be absolutely none of those things so my advice wouldn't help. But, human to human, pay attention to what you feel you are missing in your life and decide if you need to make it happen or if you can feel at peace without it. That is a question we have to ask over and over through our lives because we change so much.

I wish I had time to talk about the last bit you mentioned because it is important that we humanize actors and understand their struggles but I have gone on longer than most people will read. 💕 Thank you for coming to me, anon. I'm always here.

Just in case you decide to come back I gave you 📸 anon (because it felt appropriate and fun for fandom stuff) but feel free to pick your own if you don't like that.

[dream-critical]

i’m gonna say this really nicely so i don’t get misinterpreted but like. when you’ve spent a period of time far away from this side of the internet you’ll realise that this does not matter in the slightest. none of it does. none of the discourse you participate in here exists irl. and you wouldn’t even keep it in the back of your head.

and when i say it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t exist irl i don’t mean it in the way some people say that like they’re so self-aware but then go off and start arguments online anyways, i genuinely mean it. dream was obsolete to me, i did not spend a second of the day thinking about him, nor did i spend that time thinking about any other kind of discourse. when you just don’t have that kind of time on your hand you don’t even have the time to think about random internet opinions that you disagree with. and honestly once you’ve experienced that you finally realise just how much that improves your life.

because in truth, and i’ll be completely blunt with you, this isn’t healthy. we say stans are parasocial all the time, and they are, but it’s not exactly normal to devote so much effort into hating the man either. it does not enrich your life, it does not expand your horizons, it does nothing good for you, your constant anger and frustration towards this dude on the internet that has never personally impacted you does no good for you. yes, even if you are a part of a minority that has been affected by his actions, you have not been personally impacted. and i would know because i’m one of those minorities. constant anger and frustration isn’t good for your mental health either, so unless you’re willing to throw your wellbeing under the bus for the thrill of the dopamine hit when you win an argument online, maybe we just all need to take a step back and really reflect on our priorities.

this isn’t going to apply for everyone, some people might argue that the people who were doxxed, or attacked, or harassed by dream stans wouldn’t agree with me, and i can see why. but at the end of the day, dream didn’t do that. he contributed A Lot to it, sure, but you’re not gonna get that through to him, because he doesn’t know you. unless dream personally sat down and spent the time to doxx you, yelling at him isn’t going to help you.

the truth is, at least to me, dream’s not gonna crash and burn like eveyone’s hoping for. unless something happens that would make at least half of his fandom suddenly up and left, he’ll just keep going. short of dream quitting youtube and twitch himself, he’s just gonna stick around. eventually, his stans will grow out of it, but so will his antis, and he’ll just fade. because that’s how it always end, with all youtubers, streamers, and generally informal entertainment industry figures, they become irrelevant naturally through time. when his audience grew older and the new generation doesn’t seem to bat an eye, it would be years before you realise you never heard from him anymore. and even then it wouldn’t matter, as random and as sudden as the thought is, it’s not going to linger, probably not even long enough for you to search up his name and see how he’s doing, or if he’s done.

take a breather. and if you feel like arguing with me about this post clearly you have not read it through.

[fortpeat]

hi there, i really truly don't want this to sound like i am speaking only to you specifically, but you seem to have a lot of anons approach you about this topic, so please bare that in mind with what i'm about to say. i think people in general need to stop talking about fort and peat's supposed sex lives like they know them personally and are speaking on their behalfs. it feels a bit disrespectful to me. by all means, speculate away about their characters, i'll be the first in line to talk about that, but to talk about fort and peat in that way is wrong. they're real people with real lives. and the fact that i've seen discussions where people speculate about their sexualities and whether they're having sex with each other in real life isn't fair to them. yes, we see a lot of them in our daily life, yes, they indulge us and flirt with each other, but that's a big part of them just doing their jobs. it's called fanservice for a reason. does that mean they don't genuinely love and care about each other? no. but in reality, we don't actually know these boys. and to sit in front of our computers and speculate whether these two very real boys are having sex with each other is a little strange to me. and i do not use this phrase lightly when i say that it does sometimes feed into the fetishizing fandom culture that can be so toxic amongst the queer community. and it needs to be called out and stopped when it borders on that kind of territory. and i'm hoping by sending this message you and your followers might take a step back and see where i'm coming from. i'm not being cruel or trying to police anyone, just merely pointing out that we should all maybe try and set boundaries for the parasocial relationships we have with these boys.

Well hello there.

Clearly you are trying to police me and the people who have come to my blog. If there is something that's clearly making you uncomfortable then there is a button called BLOCK which you have every right to use. But you do not get to come to my blog and blame me for something that I didn't do. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL WITH FORTPEAT AND THEIR LIVES.

If you think that its all fanservice then that's your opinion, you don't see me coming to you and shoving down my thoughts down your throat. And I can't control what the anons send me and even if they have then I have always answered them in a way that never crosses the line.

For the record just coz we love Fortpeat and the love they have for each other doesn't mean that we are fetishizing them. Again if what you see on your timeline feels disrespectful for YOU then please block me for all I care. Curate your TL which is suitable for you. These boys have made some of my worst days into the brightest and if you can't understand where I am coming from and the love I have for them then that's your problem.

My blog is my safe space and I am sure that it's the same for atleast one person out there as well and that's more than enough for me.

And for the record my asks barely get one like or sometimes it's none. And anon I am not shouting about this in a public space like twt and tagging them. This is as private as one can be and you know what it's people like you who make it weird and wrong to talk about two humans who are affectionate with each other.

Again please feel free to use the block button. 🙏🙏 It saves us both the headache of ever having to interact.

(P.S. I can totally be nice to people who are nice to me but if someone comes into my blog and accuses me of something that I clearly haven't done so, then the "nice" is out the door)

[gaykey]

I’ve mostly been a lurker, I just wanted to thank you for your posts these past couple of days. as a poc shawol it felt cathartic and comforting somehow that I wasn’t the only one completely shaken and feeling all embarrassed about how intensely I was reacting to this whole thing. Also wanted to say that it’s okay to feel conflicted about wanting to continue enjoying their updates. I’m a mess too after their apologies, especially when I feel like I’ll be betraying a huge part of myself if I unquestioningly jumped back into it all, even though I want to love them like I used to. infuriatingly, like key himself, I might randomly feel the urge to smack him or taemin upside the head in the future. It’s what I feel rn when their faces come up in my feed, and it’s so weird, it makes me so mad at myself, because they’re not my friends and I shouldn’t be feeling any of this! Maybe I should just applaud and wow them for the amazing artists that they are, and dial back on watching the rest of their content. I’m very glad they apologized, it did feel good, maybe, to see that. I don’t know anymore. I just need a lot and lot of time to settle into myself again. At least all this made me take a long hard look at all the behaviors I’ve unthinkingly picked up to emotionally regulate. I hate that a lot of the fandom are using similar conflicted feelings as an excuse to downplay what they did, and people’s reaction to their comments. to all the fans saying no one’s perfect, and poc like me are overreacting, I should get over myself now they’ve apologized- you’re absolutely right, no one’s perfect, and if I can’t find it in me to move past it, I suppose I wasn't a ‘true shawol’, and I should get the hell out when I can. I’m riding that emotional rollercoaster and feeling exhausted, so sorry for the long mindless rambling. maybe the best way for me to continue to be a shawol and not ignore what happened as a poc is to get some space, be there for myself and understand why I’ve formed whatever parasocial relationships I seem to have formed. I want to continue admiring them, because they and the fandom were the reason for a lot of changes in me. Maybe this will be another one of them. Please know you’re not alone in your feelings, and thank you so much for all your posts!

hello anon!

first of all, that's nice of you <3 i'm glad that my presence has brought you at least a little bit of comfort during this shit show. and no need to apologise for rambling. i do that a lot lol, sometimes you just gotta rant a bit and get it off your chest.

but isn't it weird how we feel all these conflicting emotions of guilt, and relief and anger and sadness and all sorts, over kpop men 😭

like, i get WHY of course, but, it's all a sign that maybe we should take a step back from all of this, like you said. and i've made the decision to do that.

mmm a lot of the fandom reaction is what has pissed me off the most too, twitter took years off my life. absolutely wild takes.

yep, i'll always continue to love them. i've supported them for literally half my life, but, it's time for a break.

[vro0m]

Hiiiii

So I’ve discovered what I found familiar and disliked about the interactions from your anon with the negative views and parasocial thing re:Lewis

Team LH on twt keep involving themselves in places that aren’t LH friendly and demand that others share their views which is nonsensical because if these ppl hate LH why are you engaging with them

They complain about ppl mentioning LH for clicks and then they respond and quote twts providing engagement and furthering the reach of these ppl

This part here is an assumption but if I had to deal with racism and discrimination on work (within f1) unprovoked and then my fans keep adding fire to those flames via sm engagement I might just spend less time on sm since I’m not about to quit my job

LH seems like the kind of person that would focus on making changes in areas he can control (sm, vacation activities, privacy etc)

Anyway I’m rambling now but yeah…..team LH complain about everything but engage with the very same ppl and articles they should ignore and it’s very pessimistic and argumentative behaviour

Hi! So there's a few things here. I wanna start by saying although you're taking Team LH as an example I think it's important to recognize that this isn't specific to them, nor F1.

I've had a twitter account for more than a decade – I don't engage with F1 content there myself, I'm just not interested – and I see very similar behaviour in my timeline although it's not fandom-based at all but queers and leftists and feminists and generally cool people and/or my friends. They tend to quote tweets that make them react (which is the equivalent of pointing directly at someone in front of your group of friends and saying look how stupid this guy is basically) and that makes other people react and so on and that's just how twitter is built. That's how twitter works. Twitter's foundation IS people yelling at each other. Is it stupid? Absolutely. But that's genuinely just what this platform is about and how interactions happen there most of the time. (Also not just there tbc I've seen such things happen here on tumblr and on every social media but twitter absolutely favours this more than any other social media).

And then you add fan behaviour on top of that and yeah. A lot of people tend to engage and get into fights about what or who they like and that's a human thing that's then sometimes magnified by parasociality and just. The fact that you're generally invested, you know? You invest time, and energy, and most of all emotions into a person, or a band, or an actor/actress, or a topic or whatever, that means something to you and that makes you feel something. And ultimately being a fan of something tends to be a bit of a foggy self-identification process, right? It becomes a part of you. So when people attack it, it feels like they're attacking you, they're judging you, because you don't like the right thing the right way, and it feels personal and so you feel the need to defend it because you feel the need to defend yourself for what you like and how you like it. It's an emotional thing. I think it's easy to get caught up in that. I remember how personally I took it when people made fun of things that I liked and projected myself into and made me feel joy at some points in my life. That's why I don't blame Anon from the other day. Because it's not easy to detach from what other people think of what we like and what we do and ultimately of who we are. Maybe I'm getting a bit deep about this but you get what I mean : people get emotional about stuff they like and identify with.

Still I think it's always important although maybe not always easy to try to be a bit meta about things and take a step back and be like okay wait a minute because how did I get here at first I was just enjoying this cool thing and sharing my enjoyment with people and now I'm anxious and angry what is this about and how do I get back to the part where it's nice and joyful? Because that thing that made you feel good should make you feel good.

Good luck trying to explain that to fucking twitter though.

[sparkliingdust]

I don't understand why we're not supporting more real LGBTQ+ artists instead of Taylor Swift

I'm just shouting into the void at this point, but like - I've never been a die-hard Gaylor. I'm just queer and heard her lyrics through that lens, and gave a hard side-eye to the countless references she's made to Karlie Kloss through her wardrobes, which to me on some level is not healthy on Taylor's part.

I get that a lot of Gaylors, like many straight Taylor fans, take things too far (it's okay to AI Taylor and Travis with a wedding and babies, the constant wedding rumors with every boyfriend, etc. but not to think about Taylor as remotely queer but I digress)...but for most of us, we're just "normal" people who like Taylor's storytelling through her songwriting and there are legitimate analytical conclusions we can make about queer-coding.

After a year of articles hitting out about the ~~~~LGBTQ+'s obsession with Taylor's sexuality~~~~, Taylor's hollow allyship with our community since Lover, telling us not to think about Betty being gay/queer in our own interpretations, and the recent backlash about the NYT article...I could write a long bullet point list of things that we all should've questioned and side-eyed this whole time but whatevs.

I just wander when is the Gaylor part of the community going to take our energy and put towards real LGBTQ+ artists who are taking huge risks and need support celebrating all of us. Sam Smith? Girl in Red? Janelle Moane? Kim Petras? Lil Nas X? King Princess? etc.

I was a major Swiftie - went to the eras tour, saw the movie, and I won't regret how much I love her music. But I'm tired of listening to her music without inevitably and inadvertently thinking about the global impact of how it effects Taylor Swift ™ and her whole universe...when we're the part of the community that is used as a shield for other distractions (the Golden Globes gossip, her hiding the Mahomes family from the lawsuit being dropped, etc). I'm taking a big step back from the pyramid scheme that is her brand and just enjoy her music for what it is (again, even though most of us were already doing that), and put more energy into other artists, and for fucks' sakes, my own life.

Why do we - as a world - constantly feel like she is a victim who needs to be saved, defended, safeguarded? Why can't we say we don't like one of her songs without a million people jumping in to vindicate her or we have to prepare why we don't like something with a novel about how much we are actually a real fan? Like this is not normal parasocial attitude even if you are the most casual fan of Taylor Swift, we have to recognize even this kind of behavior is rampant in our fandom whether you are LGBTQ+ or straight.

She is a 34 year old billionaire, and we need to stop thinking of her as the young girl who was wronged during the VMAs or the country girl "who just got lucky" with her songwriting and her dad just "happened to invest" in a music label. And, let her make mistakes and live life and maybe be an artist with some real risks to take and not constantly give her all our attention, energy, money.

[stormyoceans]

hi monica! maybe you don't wanna talk about this and that's okay, you don't have to answer this, but i just wanted to come here because your blog is a safe space for me and i know you enjoyed vegaspete's story as much as i did (you even made the experience more enjoyable for me during the kp days tbh). i haven't been following the cast or biblebuild a lot since the fandom became extremely toxic imo but the news of build resigning made me sad for some reason, i can't even explain why but i feel so bad... these last few days were a confirmation of how vile and nasty the fandom is and maybe that's also the reason i'm feeling like this. idk, like idek what's the point of this ask i guess i just want to know if you're okay or if you understand me, vegaspete was a great ship and i was kinda excited for 4min so the way things have ended are just the worst... i even feel bad for feeling bad because the allegations were pretty serious for me to be feeling bad for him/this whole situation... anyway yeah. it's all very confusing and it sucks, i've never experienced this before... hope you're okay and take care, sending you a hug xx

hello, anon!!!

first of all, im really happy to know that you consider my blog a safe space, because this is what it is for me and what i'd like it to be for the people who follow me as well!!! this is also why i tend to avoid talking about certain topics on here, though, because they're just very upsetting and life is already hard enough as it is, so i'd rather focus my energies on happier things

im also slightly older than the average user base and i've been in fandom for most of my life, which means that i've actually witnessed this type of "drama" happen quite a few times before and the one thing i've learned in all these years is that parasocial relationships never end well. to me actors are simply a vessel through which characters and stories come to life, so i never get particularly involved in them as people or in their personal life, and even when that happens (like with jimmysea in these last few months) im very aware of the boundaries and of how much im gonna actually let them affect my life

i don't mean to sound condescending, so i hope this isn't how im coming off right now, but this is just to say that i have a lot of experience and thicker skin and im doing fine because i know how to deal with it, didn't care about build himself, and haven't been too involved in the fandom in a while. however, this doesn't mean i can't understand you or that there was never a time where i did let myself care about an actor way too much and get thoroughly disappointed, and precisely because it did happen to me in the past, i know how upsetting this entire build and poi situation can be

i don't know if this can be of any help, but i think it's completely valid to feel sad about it and about the repercussions that's going to have, even if it's just about a ship or a show. i personally don't believe that caring about those means you don't care about the allegations or the real people involved in this, because they're things that made you happy and that you were looking forward to and that made life a little bit more bearable, so it makes sense that you would feel bad at the idea of losing them, it's just human

that being said, i think at this point we should all just take a huge step back from this situation and let the law deal with it. it happened and there's nothing we can do, except being kind to each other. there are still other things to be excited about and that can bring us happiness, it's just a matter of finding them, so just take care of yourself and take all the time you need to deal with what happened. i hope you can feel better soon, anon, im sending you a hug too!!!!

[menta11yi11]

Doctor's orders to pull back from social media as I keep having back to back panic attacks and wanting to kms.

I'm sure there's some folks on my public tumblr accounts that follow me only to get intel on me and not because they actually like me- and would love nothing more than for me to leap off a building. Yeah I'm a flawed person. I hurt a lot of people. I own up to that. I'm trying to be someone that at least tolerates my own existence in this realm. 🙃 but having folks on the Homestuck discord team telling me to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" and "DIE" for expressing a vague, nonconsequential fandom opinion (that wasn't even HS related) they don't like does not paint a good picture of how they'll handle knowing I've tried to kill myself over 8 times now. Bitch I'm like Deadpool the metanarrative will not let me end it. I'd love nothing more than to have never existed. You hate me so much, then fucking ban me from the discord and start your hate campaign like you did to my other trans system friends. Makin, you're pathetic. Just admit you have no compassion for folks with persistent mental health issues rather than acting like it's okay for you to harass people because you're the server administrator. You have enough simps laughing at your cruelty you think you're justified in these harassment campaigns. I don't think I've had a single positive interaction with you, and you can blame me being a 'snowflake' but at least I'm not inciting mentally ill people to kill themselves on your streams. I hope you lose the admin privileges and people realize what an actual asshole you are. I can't help that I have introjects of your friends. Do you think I woke up one day and decided to have amnesiac episodes where some brain ghosts take over my body and humiliate me publicly? That's like, a bit to you? I do have Andrew Hussie listed as an alter in my disability paperwork because they stepped up to stop me from ending things. Our (now) Hussie Royle is the reason we kept fighting to improve and become better people. You can think I'm cringe all you want, but it kept me alive. I can't know what source Hussie thinks of me as I've already attempted to reach out and apologize for crossing boundaries into parasocial delusional stuff. They didn't respond and they don't owe me one. I am, however, knowledgeable about what goes down in Homestuck VRC communities and have been helpful there as an informant and mod. You can dislike me and think I'm annoying and tight wound all you want but I'm not stepping back from my beliefs that people should be given compassion and time to be heard. I'm a socialist and I feel very strongly that we have a duty to protecting our communities and having transparency. Idk what weird shadow elder thing you've got going on within the HICU that I once wanted to be a part of, but I'm now realizing y'all are such a dysfunctional work family from an (outside but close neighbor) perspective.

I've been in enough grassroots organizing since 2014 that I can see the rot in the company.

I'm also a cult survivor, having been forced into the LDS (Mormon) church from 2001-2016 by my former legal guardians. I know what cult tactics are and I know how deep the abuse goes. Watch yourself before you have another well-documented video of abusive behavior. I don't play around with that shit. I held up my end of accountability, now it's your turn.

[izacore]

I'm so tired of Harry. I don't hate him, I'm just really tired of his face, his shows, movies, scandals, girls, supposed boyfriends, weird interviews, pap walks, etc. At this point he's just a walking advertisement.All these big blogs that praise him for any crap he does just amazes me. I think part of this fandom has lost the ability to think rationally at some point. And that part of the fandom hates the other part that has a different opinion/ that doesn't pray to the ground Harry walks on. Thank you for not looking at the world through rose-colored glasses and always giving an honest opinion :)

hellooo! I think this is a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction to have to all the over-saturation of Harry that we have been experiencing the past few years. I agree that somewhere along the way hshq and well, Harry too, kinda lost it, and made him into a shallow brand that I personally struggle to connect with nowadays.

I don't really get the policing of people's feelings regarding this situation because for me, if somebody is able to compartmentalize and focus only on the good then great for them and I am jealous! But what is so hard to understand that others may not be able to do that, that they be more emotional and sensitive and just sad about whatever is happening. I am tired of hearing words and phrases like "entitled", "you hate closeted people", "take a step back" etc. all the time, tired that people can go all soft how cute it is hl cannot stay away from each other for more than 5 minutes and then in the same breath make fun of people who are sad they'll be apart like 90% of the year because suddenly it's "come on, it's a normal relationship, couples may not see each other and actually, their careers are what matters the most!!!". I don't know what is wrong with having discussions, as long as it's in a respectful manner that don't invalidates anyone's feelings or isn't hateful. Why is it suddenly being seen as hating hl? It drives me insane how the twitter total obedience stan culture is dripping onto tumblr.

Idk, like I said, it's a me problem and probably some parasocial issue comes into play here haha, but I just see them as humans first, musicians second, and I simply wouldn't mind if they took a break, disappeared and just lived a happy life together away from this. It's devastating if people around them made them believe that that's the only way to have what they have because it's the biggest lie ever, and they're walking through this hell simply because no one around them can admit they are so wrong.

So yeah, if that makes me entitled and hateful person just because I don't think that it's not wrong to not only focus on the good then so be it. HL's actual happiness matters to me most and it's sad that them having to live these lives and wasting time (that they'll never get back) have become so normalized.

[lighterium]

There must be fans out there that are like "wtf" to the rest of the fans' actions right? Right????

As 0 alacrity put it while we were talking, by the way, they're the one also helping me have evil little thoughts.

Here's a tl;dr of it, but a pretty good think piece is under the cut.

So, basically YES. But being just "wtf" doesn't do enough. Spamton very much has asked for help and believed in the common sense of people to help him get out of this situation, but like in any fandom, while extreme fans are not the majority, they're the ones bold enough to act upon their desires and do horrible stuff.

That includes doxing, harassing and possibly harming people who oppose them, and usually people with good sense kind of keep away from that for a good reason. So while there's critique and attempts to help, no one really has managed to do much more than just that.

Buckle up because this one's kinda long but a very interesting read.

BIG NOTE: Spamton is a fictional character, it is not to be taken literally as a "parasocial" relationship with him. It is a Commentary about how people approach RL CELEBRITIES/YOUTUBERS/CONTENT CREATORS/ ACTUAL PEOPLE WHO ARE POPULAR.

We have to put this as a note because there is a problem with media literacy and self projection of consumers while ignoring the bigger problem/commentary.

" The thing is you have to think about in every fandom, it's not like the crazy fans are the majority, but they're the ones bold enough to act upon their desires.

And the question is "As a member of a fandom, or as a member of someone who likes this media that also participates are you a passive fan or an active fan?

By passive I ask this "you watch this, you say this is wrong, this is fucked, but you don't participate but you are a witness to these events. You know it's going on you know what's appropriate and isn't, but the question is: Would you step up? would you try to save your bias? are you going to be a part of the opposing numbers that say hey enough is enough and band together to show support and free your celebrities from the cages they're placed in? Or will you watch.

Many people want to say I'll act upon it but if look around us, you'll see that there are so many passive fans. There are so many bystanders, there are so many people afraid.

You may not contribute to the extreme actions that crazy fans take but the question I have is ...are you brave enough to regulate your own fanbase? Knowing that there is potential for harm.

There is potential being hunted for speaking up, there is potential you'll be left ALONE not cause people DONT agree with you but they're just as afraid as you to get involved, and at this point that's a question of asking, can you really say you don't contribute to the problem when you let shitlords like that take over fan spaces to dictate the general image of the thing you love to destroy the things you adore, to cling to the past?

Here's a question too? How much do other people let other fans get away with things and blame the celebrity instead. People view celebrities as figure heads, Spamton probably called out for help, he believed in his fans too. He still hopes and believes that too but when you reach out and you witness passive fans turning their backs, the few who speak out being taken under waves and drowned out by the voices of the nutcases, and the worst of them all, those that instead of helping blame the celebrity, anyone would lose hope.

And most reasonable people if we're being honest, don't want to fight with crazy people. Even the most well adjusted individual knows the difference between extreme worship/martyr complex actions and understanding that " hey, these people are CRAZY ENOUGH to imprison a single whole ass man, a powerfully popular whole ass man.

....

what is someone like me going to be able to do other than countless death threats and getting doxxed?"

you ever think about that?

Side note: I know this is going to be said and I'm going to address it early. If someone says "Am I the bad one for not acting?"

You make your own decision based on that. But the point is being missed if you are asking this and not looking at the overall issue of fan culture itself and who gets to speak out for the community you're a part of. If you choose to not say a word, that's on you and that's your choice and you should own it.

Own that not saying something when watching this does have an effect. Choosing to accept that affect in silence is your prerogative. Whether it's good or bad is Up. To. You.

But know that if you don't do anything and you don't like the result that occurs due to waving off your say. It's a choice you made to leave that in their hands, you have chosen to say "My choice doesn't matter"

[xjoonchildx]

I've only been Army since the pandemic but the last 24 hours have been making me want to retreat. From people not realizing they're in a parasocial relationship to arguing about the damn concert and SZA and people crying because they're jealous they can't go to the concert. Most of the people in the world can't go the concert because we are STILL in a pandemic folks.

Its just a lot. Like I need people to step back and realize they're not getting paid to have their lives revolve around these guys and there is more to life than seeing them in concert. Y'all know good and damn HYBE likes a dollar so if they could do a world tour now, they would.

I'm just feeling such a disconnect and I'm tired of feeling guilty about it.

listen anon, i need you to know that i felt this ask.

this is a fantastic fandom. it's done a lot of fantastic things. but like any MASSIVE group of people, there's bound to be a few outliers and a few wackos.

i think the thing that struck a chord with me the most is when you pointed out how many people don't realize they're taking a parasocial relationship way too far. they infantilize BTS. they make it their own personal mission to defend their honor and take slights against them so personally that it gets out of hand.

BTS are grown ass men.

looks to me like they've done a pretty bang up job of managing their careers, their images, their money, their circles. they have the best support staff, consultants, and mental health care money can buy. i PROMISE you, they're gonna be just fine.

and yet -- i see ARMYs attacking on their behalf all the time. sometimes attacking people BTS has chosen to associate with, record music with, people they admire and no doubt want to maintain positive relationships with. they're not "helping" their faves in any way.

so we can't let those people hijack our experience.

we can't control those people any more than kim namjoon can. unfollow, mute, block at will -- curate your space so that you are sharing it only with people who make this a fun place to be and a fun thing to do. don't let anyone browbeat you in your own fandom experience.

being an ARMY is supposed to be a hobby -- something you look forward to, not something that gives you anxiety. push the noise off of your dash, your timeline, anywhere you want to be.

and then just keep enjoying the music and all the other chaos that comes along with being a BTS fan 💕

[stormblessed95]

I just happen to think about fanservice or acting it out for the camera a lot lately. I'm going to unfollow the jikook tags most probably after this, too much mess in my head. But I just wanted to share this and maybe seek an opinion.

Many say that jikook is fanservice but many also say that if it's fanservice then they should be given Oscar. But again many say that they are the worst at acting and that's when we get obvious jikook moments.

So my question is if they are bad at acting and controlling their emotions, how are they able to act platonic 90% of the time, if they are couple? It's just the 10% we see as suspicious couple moments.

The question itself is like an infinity loop in my head...

Jikook-bad at acting-hence couple vibes/flirting.

Jikook-good at acting-hence fanservice and nothing to see there.

I'm doubting myself at the moment for joining BTS fandom this year. The stuff on internet is too too much. I want to be less exposed to their personal lives (bombs, behind scenes, memories...) and be only exposed to their music (like 1D or Taylor Swift). In fact I never even knew Larry was a thing until I came to know about BTS ships. Possibly because I was younger during one direction time and I didn't explore much. Taylor and Harry thing I knew but again I didn't research much or follow blogs the way I am doing for jikook 😂

Ah I'm going crazy... Anyway if this makes sense, please do let me know your thoughts on "acting" thing. You can edit out the mention of other artists if that's against your blog guidelines.

Hello. You sound stressed. Take a few deep breathes and relax. To start, don't get so overly invested that you cause yourself any type of mental strain or stress or anxiety. Remember that the relationship we have with BTS is a parasocial one. They don't technically owe us anything. If it would be best for your mental health to take some steps back and only focus on their music, do so! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you ever just need to talk, we are here for you! 💜 there is a lot of content as well as a lot of music out there, it can be easy to get overwhelmed by it all.

Second, I would advise you as well to follow through on the plan unfollowing all of the jikook tags or any others. Curating your timeline, either here or Twitter or any SM sites is so important. There are literally millions of fans in this fandom and there is a very loud and very toxic minority. Follow the accounts you like and that you trust and that puts out good content and remains respectful in their opinions. The only tags on here that I follow are ones for my favorite book series, that way my home page is only the people I follow popping up or book quotes/art. And on Twitter, I follow the tags for the artists and that's it. My timeline is curated pretty well to people who I want to see on there.

Third, BTS do not really do fanservice. They used to in the very early years, but not any more. They really do pride themselves on showing ARMY true and genuine interactions and genuine emotion and how they truly feel. It's important to them and it's part of what makes them so special with all the extra content they share. Dismissing their bonds (any of them) as fanservice is truly very disrespectful and i wouldn't pay much attention to the people who try to say that BTS are acting when they do things together. I would recommend you read my posts about BTS & Fanservice from my masterlist to get more detailed information about that. There are 4 posts total about fanservice, they are under the important posts/asks topic. I'll link that whole topic post here:

Yes. Jimin is for sure the worst actor in the group. Jungkook isn't much better. So, no, they aren't acting. I will also say that i disagree that they act platonic 90% of the time. But I'll also say that they don't act LOUD all the time, which is what can be mistaken for platonic. I don't know how old you are or what your relationship experience looks like. You talking about One Direction and being too young makes me feel old and I'm still young dammit. I was in high-school during the big 1D craze. I didn't get into them too much, but I did enjoy some of their songs. Besides the point. Relationships are not over the top loud declarations of love 24/7. Not even half the time. Especially not when you are with a bunch of other people, which is where we usually see Jikook, surrounded by their friends and their Staff. And even then, they sometimes very much so come off as THAT couple that can't stop making everyone else feel like they are third wheeling.

To put into perspective, lets make it personal. I've known my husband for 11 years (similar to the time frame KM have known each other.) We met and became best friends when I was 15 (close to the same age JK was). We were best friends for 2 years, before we had our first kiss at 17 (similar to the whole friends to Lovers thing KM supposedly have going on). It took another 6 months after that for him to ask me to his girlfriend, of which we made out those entire 6 months and went on "dates" and none of our friends even suspected that things changed between us until we told them we were together and confessed to have been figuring things out for the past few months. We then got married at 19 years old. We have now been married for 6 years. We are ANYTHING but platonic. Platonic moments does not negate all the none platonic moments. Lovers CAN be best friends and have simple best friend moments too. In fact, I would say that having your lover also be your best friend would make that relationship stronger and give you a much firmer foundation to grow upon. I cannot tell you the amount of silliness and just friends things my husband and I do. Doesn't change the fact that I'm so in love with him I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. Silliness over what anime to watch next or shouting matches of "you suck, you lose" whenever someone wins whichever stupid bet we placed or the race that was suggested doesn't change the fact that we enjoy each other in very non platonic ways. Him playing video games in the other room and me sitting here typing up a blog post while listening to music and us having no interaction for the past few hours doesn't negate our marriage.

Silly dances and Goofing off just continues to show their close bond, the way they have fun together. It's not acting or hiding their feelings, it's still all there. Being in love doesn't mean you are constantly melting into a puddle or trying trying cop a feel. Lol sometimes it means having fun with your best friend. Sometimes it means having fun separately with your other friends or doing your own thing and coming back together later at home and getting to talk about it or relax. And the best friend moments don't take away from the romantic ones or all the SK couples traditions they have done together, if anything, they add to it.

Hope this makes sense and helped a little bit. Maybe help break that infinity loop going on in your head too? If you ever want to talk about it more, you are more than welcome to DM me. Sorry for rambling, but you should all know by now.... this is just what I do here 😂 again, thanks for the ask. Hope you check out those fanservice posts! Hope this helped! You can of course form your own opinions on things and what you think KM are or aren't. Or just simply, let it be and not worry too much over it. 💜

Hope everyone has good day/night!

PS. For anyone who is a reader... Percy and Annabeth from the PJO series is the ultimate friends to Lovers romance in a fictional world and so sweet. Lol plus, they have oodles of what could be considered only platonic moments and they are still such an iconic OTP

[regardingjenmish]

First of all, I just wanted to thank you. Your blog has been such a safe space for me these past few days.

I honestly never thought something like this would happen but now that the dust has settled a bit and all the jokes have died down I’m feeling a little bad for Misha, because I know that there’s a real possibility that he is bi. I mean people keep saying things like ‘why would he say he’s bi if he isn’t?’ Or ‘why did the people at stands who know him personally accept the whole coming out so easily?’ And the only thing that would completely make sense here is that he decided to take back his statement after he saw how big it got, and I don’t blame him for being blindsided by this to be honest, spn barely ever makes the news. Why would those vultures hop on this of all things? I do feel like a lot of other people feel the same, I see them implying it in their tags but not going further, and I get it. People want to respect his words, but someone going back into the closet after not receiving the reaction they’d been expecting isn’t such a wild conspiracy theory, hell, I bet a bunch of us had to go back to the closet as well when we felt unsafe.

And if by some miracle he is straight, I really don’t get some people’s reactions who feel like he’s betrayed them or something. Did you only like this person because you thought he was queer? That’s like supporting someone else only because they’re a woman like you for example. It makes no sense. The people calling him homophobic are even more baffling. The worst thing he’s done is, make gay jokes about himself? How does that hurt anyone? Again unless you’ve decided to support this person only because you thought he was queer, which feels very disingenuous. It’s definitely not on the same level, as say, J*red making degrading gay jokes about other people. And not to mention the fact that Misha’s always been like this? So no, he didn’t queerbait you either. You just didn’t put a limit to your parasocializing habits.

It’s just been a tough couple of days for me, and not even entirely because of Misha to be honest, but because of how my fellow members of the community showed that you have to act a certain way to feel like you belong. I saw someone basically say that Misha is a coward for not coming out completely if he actually is bi, and as a closeted bisexual living in an unsafe and homophobic environment, that was really disheartening to read, and yes Hollywood is an unsafe environment, especially for a bisexual man.

I honestly think I’m going to take a break from this fandom, so many of my favorite people here have been disappointing me so much lately. I just wanted to thank you again for your wonderful blog and hope you have a very nice day.💗

Oh sweetheart, I wish I could give you the worlds biggest hug right now. I'm sending you all the love💕 I know it's been a tough few days especially now where some people have decided that in order to interact with a community you need to tick off the boxes on the checklist they decided to write. So I definitely understand you. I really don't have anything else to add because you wrote this as if you read some of my thoughts so all I can do is just nod my head while reading.

You do whatever you think is best for you. And if that is to take a step back from this fandom, I fully understand you. I mean shit, I've done the same thing years ago so I get it💕