#like bro misinterpreted me being civil and friendly and not outright ignoring his texts by thinking i want him back and was leading him on

[grilledkatniss]

What reminds you of home?(not the house, just things that remind you of the feeling) Do you believe in astrology? Now, say three nice things about yourself.

Don't think I have a home or some feeling I associate with home. I have like.. idk a few moments in time when things felt just right and I guess I felt safe and healthy and loved and normal, like a small period of time before middle school, and that's probably why I don't remember much of it but get a sense of comfort and simplicity. Like as if there was a right way to do childhood. Some smells and tastes and sounds take me back there. The summer mostly. But there's no specific place to be reminded of. Come to think of it maybe like summer camp or my aunts house when we'd travel there during most summer vacations, before it got too expensive to afford for 2 grumpy adults and 3 no longer toddlers. Like the smell of gasoline reminds me of being in my aunts car with my sisters and my cousin coming back from the mall where they painted whiskers on our faces bc they were doing promo for some local children's movie we couldn't afford tickets for.

I don't believe in astrology but I love constellations and a clear night sky far away from the city lights. I actually have been sleeping on my parents backyard these last few days just so that I could fall to sleep looking at the stars. There was also supposed to be a meteor shower going on this week but didn't see any meteor showering anywhere. When I was in high school and depression and anxiety weren't real words in anyone's vocabulary in a small conservative town for a lonely awkward mopey girl, there was one star I named Lauren that I'd always be eager to see and talk to. I'd be like "it's the second shiniest star on that side, far removed from the rest and the moon". It didn't occurred to me till years after that like... the earth rotates on itself and also around the sun, and the moon around us as well, while outter space "stays put" (it doesn't either) so of course the star wouldn't be in the same place all year round and couldn't use the moon as a reference point.. and I legit would cry when I couldn't find it. But also like up till the second year of college I thought the moon being right on top of you meant it was midnight, like the same logic as with the sun so feel free to judge my dumb ass.

I'm mostly always well intentioned, and empathetic but in a weird logical way. Like someone having x feelings and x reactions makes sense to me in x context taking into account x precedent and x experience etc, you know what I mean? I don't tend to get caught up in my own feelings anymore.. no one but my ex can really say I'm a mean person and mean it. (But he can go fuck himself, acting like Ryan Gosling's character in the second half of the notebook, absolute victim of neglect and accusing me of breaking his heart for sport, the manipulative lil shit). Let's say those are three different unrelated nice things about me.