#like agender hikaru!! but also he/they hikaru!! and?? whats this??? it/its hikaru with a steel chair!?!?

[boimgfrog]

pls pls talk abt your hcs for the twins’ gender explorations bc i’m v v interested now

You donot know what you have unleashed this is gonna be INCOMPREHENSIBLE and LONG I am so medicated rn okay

Hikaru realised smthn was up pretty early on and ~✨repressed it✨~ (mostly unintentionally, moreso "oh weird. I'll deal with that later"). It wasn't super prominent at first, just a sort of...detachment? He's his Father's Son and he's Kaoru's Brother and he's an Heir and he's all of these and he always has been but it starts to feel more and more empty until the concept of Son and Brother and Heir are a performance at best and a caricature at worst (he sort of retreats into the safety of being Kaoru's Twin because of this, it shifts the focus from Son (singular) to Twin (plural), and there's a sort of comfort that comes with being part of a set).

And then he joins the host club, and he and Kaoru do their whole charade, and he starts to lean heavily into the performative masculinity that comes with it because this is his comfort zone, he's acting, he's wearing a costume, he's a Twin playing the role of a Brother and it's relieving almost, to finally have that acknowledged.

He assumed it was just a daddy issues high expectations thing until he meets Haruhi and sees the way she experiences gender and then something *finally* clicks.

KAORU on the other hand, oh buddy. Where Hikaru found comfort in the Twin role, Kaoru was trapped by it. It's routine, it's expectations, it's Performative but is it really?? Is he not reliant on Hikaru?? Do they not share a bed?? A fashion sense?? A hairdresser?? Kaoru isn't a Man he's a Twin, he's a half of a whole, he's one part of a set and he absolutely cannot lose that.

So when he experiences anything that contradicts that, he represses it (he did this with his sexuality too. Hikaru is bi so Kaoru must be bi too [he's not. He's aroace. He's ignoring that.] Hikaru is poly? Awesome, so is Kaoru. Definitely. Dont ask questions to him ever again).

(It's born mostly out of their codependency. Kaoru never had the chance to really discover himself, so he bases himself on his relation to Hikaru. It's similar to what Hikaru is doing, although less as a trauma response and more as a comfort item.)

And then high school ends, and Hikaru decides not to go to college, and Kaoru's world falls apart. Kaoru has to go to college. Hikaru wants to travel, he wants to experience life outside of being an Heir (i think their parents cut Hikaru off too) and Kaoru is happy for him, really, but Kaoru is also alone for the first time in their shared life and it's terrifying.

And then Kaoru skips a hair appointment. And the one after that. He starts letting it grow out more, stops styling it the same way Hikaru and him always have. He gets coffee with Haruhi and makes Kyoya tutor him, he finds out what movies he likes and talks to Renge about them. And one night, alone in his dorm room, his roommate passed out in the kitchen, his hair draped over one shoulder and mirror in hand, he realizes that he is not just a Twin, or one half of a whole, or a part of a set. He looks in the mirror and for the first time, he sees himself, not a parody of his sibling. And the last puzzle piece falls into place with a click.

And then he calls Hikaru and they wake up his roomate from how loud they're yelling because "WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE NONBINARY" "WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GROWING YOUR HAIR OUT BITCH" and it's messy and perfect and exactly what both of them needed <3 (haruhi won soooo many betting pools once they both came out)

Tl;Dr:

Hikaru: gender is a performance and I just won actor of the year <3

Kaoru: gender is a performance and I am being pelted with tomatoes that I am throwing at myself.

*end scene* I am obsessed with them and this is the tip of the fucking iceberg of my thoughts on them but <3 thank you for the excuse to rant abt the twins i love you /p