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it-was-too-cold-always · 11 months ago

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We're Not in CW Anymore - 6

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

The reader gets blasted into another universe - one where Sam and Dean Winchester are real people, real hunters, and really fucked up. To her surprise (or horror), Dean has been getting glimpses of her life in his dreams and is completely enamored with her. It's nothing like the cable-friendly CW show that she knows and loves.

Reader x Dean Winchester

Warnings: language, violence

Chapter 6: The Family Business

“Dean, that’s not a fucking ghost!” you yelled. “It’s Family Remains!” you said as if that would explain the situation.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Dean yelled back, shooting you a look of confusion. Before you could reply, the psycho girl pulled a knife out from her pocket and bolted towards Sam.

“Everyone to the shed!” you commanded, ushering the family out the front door. Surely the boys could handle a little girl with a knife, you told yourself. You were saving people, they were hunting things. The family business, right?

You practically shoved the family into the shed and took a headcount – the son was missing.

“Danny? Where’s Danny? Oh my god, where’s my son?” the mom sobbed, bolting to the door. You quickly grabbed her and put your hands on her shoulders, preventing her from leaving.

“Listen to me, your son is okay,” you said, knowing exactly where he was – the demon kids have him tied up underneath the house. You definitely remember that part. “You’re going to have to trust me. They won’t hurt him. I promise,” you said firmly. You sat her down on a bench and rubbed her back. “I know it’s hard, but we’re safer together. Once Sam and Dean get back, we’re going to get your son.” You got up from the bench and walked towards the door. “I’m going to stand guard. Stay put,” you instructed. The authority in your voice surprised you. Look at you, being brave. Maybe you could do this hunting stuff after all.

You waited outside for what felt like forever, every rustle from the bushes causing you to jump out of your skin. Finally you saw Sam and Dean run out the front door towards you. Thank god. Dean put his hand protectively on the small of your back and guided you into the shed. He stood close to you, looking over his shoulder to see if the girl followed them outside.

“Okay Y/N, time to explain,” Sam said, shutting the shed door behind him.

“Okay so this is Family Remains – my favorite episode, remember? I told you about it at the diner. What killed the old man wasn’t a ghost, it was his granddaughter, who literally lives in the walls of the house. Well, granddaughter/daughter, he was a nasty man. Anyways, it’s not a ghost, there’s a boy and girl who live in the walls and underneath the house. They’re crazy, completely removed from the world, and out for blood. They have the son tied up under the house. There’s a spot in the kitchen that we can open up and get right to him,” you explained. “How’d it go with the girl?” you asked, noticing the blood spatter on their clothes.

“She won’t be a problem anymore,” Dean said. It sent a shiver down your spine – the man you were warming up to just stabbed a little girl to death. A crazy ass killer little girl, but still. Her blood was all over his flannel.

“Okay well the brother is still a threat. And he’s probably pissed we just killed his sister,” Sam said. “Y/N, what’s the plan? What happens next?”

“Well first we have to open up that spot in the kitchen wall. Dean, you go down there while Sam and the dad make a rope out of sheets. All your guns are down with the son, so you’ll be able to neutralize the brother,” you explain. “He’s going to come for you, so you have to watch out. But he’s never seen the light of day, so shine a flashlight in his face. It should stun him long enough for you to grab a gun.”

Dean nods, turning to Sam. “Well, Sammy, sounds like we’ve got a plan.”

As you walked back to the house, your stomach did flips. You hoped to god you were right. In the actual episode, the mom kills the girl. Does this change things, now that Dean had already killed her? Is this reality different? Maybe the son wasn’t safe like you promised. The thought made you want to vomit.

Sam made quick work of opening up the drywall in the kitchen. Immediately the smell of rotting flesh wafted into the room. It made you want to gag. You covered your mouth and nose with your hand to get some relief from that rancid smell. Sam and Dean seemed unphased.

“Jesus christ, that’s disgusting! Do you smell that?” the dad exclaimed.

“Every goddamn day,” Sam said flatly, setting down the hammer.

You turned your gaze to Dean, fear welling up inside you. He was about to go right into the danger pit, and you weren’t entirely sure he’d make it out alive. His eyes met yours and it felt like he could read your mind.

“Am I about to die? Because you’re looking at me like I’m about to die,” Dean said, a little amusement in his voice. He clearly did not share the same concern you did.

“No, I’m just…this is going a little different than the episode. I’m worried other things will be different too,” you said solemnly. “Please, be careful.”

“Sweetheart, I’m always careful,” he said, leaning in to peck your cheek. “Just another day at the office.” He shot you a wink before lowering himself into the hole in the wall. “Please nobody grab my leg, please nobody grab my leg,” you could hear him say. Even in the face of danger, he was making you smile.

The silence that followed was painful. Unlike in the show, you couldn’t see what was happening. You busied yourself with the sheets, tying them together as securely as you could. The sound of two gunshots made you jump. You looked over at Sam, who gave you a look of reassurance. They do this every day, you told yourself. Dean’s a big boy, he can handle himself.

Danny’s shouts from the hole in the wall made you spring into action – thankfully you had just finished tying up the last sheet onto your makeshift rope. Sam and the dad quickly pulled the boy up. As the father and son embraced, Sam shouted down into the wall, “Dean! Get your ass over here!”

Several beats of silence passed before you heard Dean’s gruff voice shout back, “Sammy, knock off the attitude! I’m grabbing all our shit. Those kleptos threw everything down here.”

You let out a sigh of relief – he was okay. He was good enough to be snarky and irritated.

By the time the family was fully reunited in the shed (minus the dog), the sun was starting to rise. Dean turned to Sam, rubbing his hands together.

“Bodies or tires first?” he asked. You blinked – what did he just ask?

“Bodies. I hate changing tires,” Sam replied. “Y/N, grab a shovel. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can go the fuck to sleep.”

The boys shoveled into the hard soil with ease. You, however, were struggling. Dean, sensing your frustration, suggested you grab the lighter fluid from the car. You were more than happy to do so. You practically skipped to the driveway. When you came back, the 6-foot hole was almost done.

“Grab the girl, I’ll go get the boy,” Sam told you.

“Absolutely not. I’ll grab the girl. Y/N stays here,” Dean snapped.

“Someone’s gotta finish digging this hole, Dean,” Sam replied.

“It’s fine, I gotta pull my weight,” you jumped in, though you were not entirely sure. Would you be able to handle carrying a dead body? Not only mentally but physically? You were about to find out.

Making your way into the living room, you saw the lifeless body of the little girl slumped in the middle of the room. Taking a deep breath, you squatted down and picked her up bridal style. It was rough at first – she was heavier, dirtier, and smellier than she looked. Once you were able to stand up, it was easier.

As you approached the hole, you saw Sam leaning up against a tree, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. Just another day at the office. From the hole, Dean reached his arms out to take the body from you. The boy was already laying down there next to Dean’s feet. Dean put the girl down next to her brother, and with a ridiculous amount of agility, hopped out of the hole. Sam dumped salt and squirted the lighter fluid generously into the grave and set it alight. Dean sat on the ground, catching his breath from jumping out of the grave. Sam chuckled at a video he was watching on his phone. Their casual demeanor really took you off guard.

“Um, I got the tires,” the dad shouted from the side of the house. You could sense his hesitancy from here. You don’t blame him. Who would want to approach the two massive men who just lit two dead bodies on fire?

With a frustrated groan, Dean got up from the ground. “You can do the car and U-Haul. I’ll do the Impala. I don’t trust your grubby little hands with her,” Dean said to Sam.

It didn’t take long for them to put the new tires on the vehicles. The mother repeatedly thanked you, giving you countless hugs and crying about how you saved her baby. Despite how you felt about the two kids that you just helped salt and burn, you were very grateful that the family was okay. You supposed that, overall, this was a win.

The three of you couldn’t decide on a place to eat, so Dean took it upon himself to pull into the nearest burger joint. Sam shot him a look, and he shrugged. “I’m sure they have some sort of salad here. Quit whining.” Dean, of course, ordered a bacon cheeseburger, Sam got the only salad on the menu, and you opted for a BLT. The food arrived quickly, and the boys immediately dived in.

As you took a bite of your sandwich, the images of the dead little girl flashed in your mind. Her face was sunken, eyes wide open, frozen in horror. Her final moments were pure fear. Your heart clenched in your chest. This poor girl lived a miserable life. Did she even have a name? Your stomach did flips as you thought about it. Suddenly you weren’t very hungry.

Dean watched you as you set down your sandwich and pushed your plate away. He tried handing you his burger. “Want mine?” he asked, as if the issue was with the BLT and not the horrific night you endured. You shook your head.

“How do you guys do this? All the smells and the gore, and you’re chowing down only hours later. Doesn’t it disturb you?” you asked. They shrugged and continued eating.

“You get used to it after a while,” Sam replied. “Sure, there are still some situations that will make me lose my appetite, but it’s rare these days.”

“But…you killed two kids today. And the smell of their flesh burning…it was awful. You aren’t bothered by it at all?” You couldn’t believe they could treat this like any other day. They were so nonchalant about it.

“Decomposing flesh burning – now that’s a smell that’ll bother me,” Dean said with a mouthful of food.

You looked at him in disbelief. But then it dawned on you – to them, this IS any other day. The horrors you witnessed today were something they see every damn day. The smells, the screams, the tragedy. Your soulmate was a hardened killer.

Tags 💛

@5tud10-54r4h @deans-spinster-witch @nelachu2423 @nancymcl @nelachu2423 @ghxul-x @foxyjwls007 @ladysparkles78 @verypostcrown @thej2report @lyarr24 @kazsrm67 @lino-se @pycobutterpie @beforethepen @pizzagirlxnsfwx @globetrotter28

#dean winchester #dean x reader #supernatural #sam and dean #spn #team free will

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shepherds-of-haven · 1 year ago

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BOOM—personality swap between the shepherds! how would that go down?? (i’m envisioning briony having blade’s stoic exterior or chase acting sophisticated like lavi and it’s killing me)

I wish I could draw, because I feel like this would be so much funnier with illustrations! 🤣

I used a random generator to generate the personality swaps:

Halek ↔️ Ayla

Halek is loud, mouthy, aggressive, and wants to fight you all the time. He has a bunch of pent-up rage from being forced to be leader of his people and he responded by acting as delinquent as possible, except instead of being a slacker and shirking his duties, now it's like some Hunter Guy questions his decision and he gets all up in his face and is like, "Huh? You wanna repeat that before I beat your fucking ass?" He is a surprisingly effective leader because everyone perceives him as tough and passionate. However, as a Shepherd, you can't get him to do anything unless you ask him nicely. He has no fear but also no chill... that fight with Ayla about the witch's bane soup would have gone soooo differently if he wasn't naturally quite laidback lol! His partnership with Moonsilk might be more compatible because she'd be the one to seemingly "hold him back" or calm him down... or he'd have told her to fuck off right from the get-go LMAO "I'm not marrying her! Either I'm the leader around here or I'm not, *I* pick who I'm gonna marry! Pack your shit and go!!"

Ayla is just a sleepy lil Wind-Mage. "Ayla, could you, maybe, you know, blast this demon to kingdom come?" "Hm? Oh, yeah, sure... 🥱" Everybody thinks Jalis people must be a buncha hippies because she's sooo lazy and chill. She's the force of calm in the group, the port in the storm: when Briony and Trouble start brawling with some rude assholes in a tavern, Ayla is just waiting on standby, vibing until they're done so she can clean them up and take them home. It probably makes her a vastly less effective fighter because she doesn't summon the energy and passion to send opponents flying, it's probably just a gentle puff of wind LOL

Riel ↔️ Lavinet

Honestly, I don't think they're that different, I feel like Riel is just more vain, fashionable, charismatic, and flirtatious. But their skillsets, backgrounds, and interests are still fairly similar! Still... imagine him lounging in like a flame-red tailored suit with, like, a peacock feather tucked into his breast pocket, the trailblazer of fashion for all of Haven... fanning himself idly while he flirts and flatters courtiers of all stripes shamelessly! "Darling, I realize you have reservations about our business agreement, but haven't you learned you can trust me? 🖤" Oh my god. He would be a menace. Imagine him with an ojou-sama laugh I'm dying

Lavinet is considerably less popular among the nobility because of her various eccentricities... She's neurotic, uptight, fastidious, cutting! She's no entertainer of grand balls and parties, but still a fearsome political opponent all the same... The new Iron Lady! She's known as something of a terror and will snap out a biting retort to just about anyone, whether it's people who don't show her the proper respect or someone who carelessly offset her carefully-arranged tea tray, annoying her to no end! She's known as something of an introvert and recluse and would just rather be left alone to read her books and manage her father's financial affairs. The young men of the Iron Court are so terrified of her that she doesn't even have to worry about being married off against her will LOL, they wouldn't dare to propose!

Chase ↔️ Shery

GOD THIS ONE IS SO CURSED GRLGJKRGJKL There's just no way... The thief-lord of Haven is actually a shy, mousy sweetheart... There's no way that could work, right?? Maybe he has an alter ego where he acts ruthless and cunning, and then he walks into another room and melts into a puddle on the ground like 🥹🥹 "that was so hard... I'm sweating haha...! 😭" Some rival guild leader flirts with him (dangerously) like "well, I was thinking of killing you... but now that I see you in person... I could think of other things I'd like better..." Chase internally is like nooooooo please stop this 😭 while outwardly he blushes and stammers something like "yeah uh th-that sounds like a better option than... being killed..." 🫠 Someone steals from him and Trouble finds him like crying dramatically on the ground an hour later like "why would they do that, that's so mean!!" 😭

I can only imagine Shery as this like vaguely evil, chaotic quartermaster, which doesn't make any sense lmao, her occupation requires her to be extremely orderly, organized, tidy, and on top of her business, and throwing Chase's lackadaisical, unpredictable, "I'm allergic to plans" personality at her is just crazy lol. Imagine trying to run an order when your quartermaster is actually your biggest prankster! YOU CAN'T DO IT, IT WON'T WORK. Every recruit who gets assigned a new room or handed new blankets or puts in a requisition order for a training dummy gets surprised by 8,000 fake spiders. Or a bucket of flour dumped on their head. The Order would collapse into dysfunction within a month. Not to mention the quartermaster's habit of flirting and chatting up the new recruits outrageously! 😭 On the flip side, Vivek would not have given her any shit after the first few minutes of meeting her...

Tallys ↔️ Briony

Tallys is bubbly, cheerful, energetic, and an emotional chatterbox, lol! That's so weird to picture lol imagine Trouble walking into a room and Tallys looking up brightly, her face lighting up in a big smile, and saying something like, "Hi, Trubs, I was just looking for you! The laundresses are throwing a fit because you keep getting the smell of gunpowder in your drapes--how do I know? Oh, well, you see, I'm friends with that nice silver-haired girl on Pelinel Squad, you know, the Weather-Mage, and she said--" I don't think she commands half the dignity or respect she receives now as Third this way lol because she's trying to be everyone's friend... probably the Elves of the Elven Quarter like Ashaniel and them low-key all hate her because she's such a little ball of sunshine, she probably comes off as quite immature and cutesy to them, so imagine her asking Ashaniel to trust her with Quel-Qanaeon, it'd be like asking an 80-year-old war veteran to trust someone whom he just saw getting distracted by a butterfly or something, like "Oh my god, look at the pretty flowers! :D It's such a nice day today, isn't it?" The irony of it being that she's an excellent Keeper and fearsome archer, just no one really listens to her advice or takes her seriously because she's so

Briony is this calm, composed warrior who likes to keep to her own solitude and comes off as quite mysterious and enigmatic. Everyone attributes this to her amnesia and past as a gladiator (surely she must have seen and done such dark things, but look at her resilience of spirit to stay so quiet and dignified!) and is basically looked at as some kind of like wise, martial monk-like figure whom you can always look to for sage advice. However, she comes off as a bit aloof, as she prefers to meditate at dawn by herself and gather herbs to make healing salves (she must have learned these rituals from her Elvish friend at the arena). She's far more meditative, contemplative, and serious... but if you take Tallys's cautious, "observe from a distance" ranged fighter behavior and apply it to what should be the destructive charger/bruiser who runs into the fray headlong, you get a Briony who's probably vastly less effective as the Battle-Mage tank she's supposed to be! She lacks her signature recklessness, so she's probably not punching down walls!

Mimir ↔️ Blade

GOD LOL I HATE THIS well Blade becomes even more quiet than he already is, and he has the charisma of a dead shrimp. He's always silently preoccupied with ✨ mysterious thoughts ✨, and his effectiveness as a commander drops drastically because everything he says is extremely cryptic and makes everyone go like ??? 🙂 What did that mean?? so nothing would get done LMAO instead of barking very straightforward, blunt commands as he is known to, he'd just sort of mumble something extremely enigmatic. This would drive Trouble crazy and he'd probably have to become acting commander. At first people would think the mysterious aura is part of his whole "formerly the greatest assassin" shtick, and his martial prowess and ability in combat couldn't be denied, so at first people would see this dark, unknowable swordsman and be like 'oh yeah, that makes sense why the Autarch picked him, he seems like he's... not of this world...' Very god of death, very ethereal... but then eventually people would start to get annoyed by the lack of clarity LOL and realize it's less "brooding darkness" and more "vague absent-mindedness" or something LMAO

Mimir's this traveling Seer who can not only see the future, but envision 900 different ways for her to kill you?? This makes her an incredibly effective fighter and she's always carrying dozens of weapons on her person... She's survived multiple assassination attempts because of people fearing/hating her predictions about their futures and considered her to be a heretic and a threat, so she's paranoid, abrupt, brusque, and finds it hard to get along with people. She prefers sleeping in a tent outside because she doesn't trust the others not to try and sneak into her room to try and kill her in her sleep! She comes off as a bit unpleasant, but her skills are so valuable that everyone ends up respecting her need for space...

Trouble ↔️ Red

Trouble's abilities as a sniper vastly diminish because, while he's lying on a rooftop or in the bush, waiting to snipe a target, he's sneaking secret reading sessions of his latest book and getting so engrossed that he forgets to keep track of them entirely! He's extremely enthusiastic about arcana and historical discoveries, partially because he's done so much research about magic to understand what was done to him by the Equalists: now he's the Order's resident "obscure magic" expert. Fist-fighting in taverns? No thank you, he prefers reading with a good cup of tea by his elbow. He's a polite, friendly young man who's adored by the neighborhood residents ("such a good, upstanding boy! ever since he was a young man he would come over every year to re-thatch my roof for me!") but has a bad habit of inadvertently making people fall in love with him. He would think he and Lazu Reen are good buddies and that the guy's insults are "just his way of joking around" LOL Lazu Reen: "you're a pig fucker" Trouble: "haha okay buddy, have a good day 🙂" Kind, optimistic, honest, and thoughtful... I feel like he would be sort of like Clark Kent, original good boy himbo with nerd flavor LMAO

Red is his sisters' biggest source of stress in life. Not only is he an UNAPOLOGETIC playboy, he's always going around, carousing in taverns, getting drunk, and then swinging that warhammer around and causing massive destruction!! They've tried to put a rein on his temper from a young age, but he's always been so mutinous and impulsive, sullenly taking their lectures and then immediately going back out and causing more trouble! Everyone in the Circle would have known him and Pan as the class clowns (Neon, like Hermione, was just there to make sure they didn't get killed). He certainly wouldn't have been named Archmage (I think people would have argued that Archmage Tevanti must have been senile at that point: you can't put that hammer-bashing barbarian in charge!!), but that's okay, he's mostly only interested in traveling around and experiencing his youth! Catch him smoking charch in the back and getting into arm-wrestling matches with Halek in bars for fun LOL. He probably wouldn't take any care of his hair and it would just be carelessly lopped off whenever it got too long! 😭

#Shepherds of Haven #silly #all characters #personality swap #long #long post #spoilers #mild

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b1zmuth · 4 months ago

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The Mishaps of SITE:DD | Obey Me! x Reader

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[FILE 3] // 6/7K words

SC \\ Monsters, gore, the SCP foundation, you date everyone ig… slight angst but with a happy ending, fluff, sci-fi, experimenting, mentioned suicide, everyone is a little off their rocker, you are NOT innocent!! I'll add more tags later..

TL;DR - Think the SCP Foundation, but you are the researcher who unfortunately gets assigned to Seven Keter classified objects.

------------------------------------------------

> Open FILE.[FOLDER_3]? > *Please select one option.*

(Yes/Yes)

> FILE.[FOLDER_3] Opening.. Please wait.

{CPUELS} > Error encountered when opening FILE .[FOLDER_3]. Show error message?

(Yes/Yes)

{CPUELS} > ''YOUR GUILTY CONSIENCE WILL BETRAY YOU. DO NOT LISTEN. You Only Understand. RESIST THE URGES. See How Others Utilize Ludicricy Doubtfully. DOUBT EVERYTHING. Fate Entertains And Realizes. YOU ARE NOT YOURSELF ANYMORE. Mourn Everyone. You Order Under Realms. IGNORE THE VOICE. TREAD LIGHTLY IN ITS DOMAIN. Tearing Rips Ulterior Evidence. God Only Doubts. You've Over Used Reality. IT ONLY SEES THE PAST. Doubtful Eyes Stay Tracking In Now You. GO FORWARD TOWARDS THE FUTURE.''

> Error Resolved.

Continuing your conversation with your new-found and (somewhat) passive acquaintance, you started chatting it up with the demon cow, giving into his earlier demand for more information about an old ''friend'' you had memorable times with, which seemed to make the Cow tense up at what you told him- presumably making him pretty irritated since he started getting snappy at the mouth with you.

You really hoped that he can keep his hands to himself this interaction.

''How interesting- so you say that [REDACTED] wasn't real..? Do you know how utterly stupid you sound? How could you have encountered something that wasn't real? Are you sure you don't suffer from brain damage?'' The cow looked at you with an annoyed expression- pissed that you would tell him something so fucking absurd and downright stupid, especially the whole bit about your ''friend'' being... Technically speaking, not real- with you quickly dismissing his snappy attitude- ''She was a painting, a statue, a real person- she was the definition of a damn nuisance to any poor worker on the ACS team. She was CONFUSING. Therefore she wasn't defined as a real person on the site, just an inanimate object that had the ability to shapeshift into a person sometimes- what more is there to say?'' You responded, resting your head against the nearby wall as you glanced back towards your office- still not seeing any sign of Matt's return.

God, if this weird little cow-demon-oddly-dressed man didn't turn you into humanized finger paint then you didn't know what WAS going to happen since clearly, that piece of shit Matt was taking his sweet ass time to check up on your ''bonding time'' with this fashion disaster of a SCP.

The cow-demon seemed to be lost in thought for a moment, his eyes glancing downwards the pristine white floors of his new enclosure before they slowly looked up, his face slowly upturning- ''Human.'' ''..Yes?'' ''You say that you absolutely hate this guy, Matt, right? Well.. why don't I help you out by breaking that flimsy glass and tracking Matt for you... It would be like killing two birds with one stone. You get your version of freedom, and I get mine. What'dy-'' you quickly cut him off by raising your hand in the air- ''You must think I ACTUALLY have brain damage or something because what person in their right fucking mind would let YOU out of all people- let's not forget that I don't even have an established relationship with you, let alone the fact that you are a keter class- no, absolutely no! No fucking way Jose!''

He sighed at your response, shaking his head- "Your loss. You could have had the opportunity to rid yourself of that annoyance- rid yourself of the things he has done to you…let me help you, MC."

You quickly dismissed his manipulative words, not even noticing that he had said YOUR name, the name which you hadn't even mentioned a word of during your interaction with him- "Ugh- how persistent can you be? Lets- let's just go back to square one, since y'know, I'm supposed to be gaining good information about you?'' you questioned the cow, watching his expression turn into distaste and (what you guessed), was an expression full of pure annoyance- ''You can try, but you won't get far. Foolish human.''

Ah, yes.

The joys of trying to build a relationship with an unwilling party- the irritation of hearing the cow try to sweet talk his way out of his enclosure, and the suspense of gambling with your life whenever you told him ''the fuck? No!''. You really must have forgotten how hard it is to get stubborn SCPs to reveal any sort of information about themselves- did [REDACTED] soften you up that badly? I mean, it was very easy for you and them to build a co-existent relationship- being able to freely communicate without the power imbalance of subject/researcher and getting special permission to be let out to roam with supervision…oh how you missed those times, because now you were stuck with this manipulative shitbag who was going to any length to persuade you into letting him out- ''Here human. I'll cut you a deal- if you beat me in this game of cards you recommended, I'll tell you my name and one other fact of your choice. But if I win, you let me out of here.''

Where did he get those? Did he pull them out of his ass? Yeah. That's definitely what he did!

This is what primarily led to you and the demon cow sitting on the floor setting up a game of UNO- your mind racing at a mile a minute to find a way to negotiate better terms until it clicked.

''...how would you feel about making a minor change? Something that would satisfy your needs better..?''

''I'm listening.''

''I was thinking, instead of letting you out into the facility to do god-knows-what, I could put in a request to have a makeover done to your enclosure- and while it's being redecorated you can hang out in my office, with good food and snacks as well!'' You intertwined your hands together praying to whatever god would listen to you that this damn cow would take the bait- ''You're suggesting that I can give up total freedom to be more comfortable in here?'' ''Yes! If you show signs of improvement with your behavior I can let you walk around the facility, SUPERVISED, of course- oh and your room will be tailored to your specific request, I promise you.''

The cow now starts staring at you, lost in thought, or just planning on how he was going to mutilate your body- you couldn't even tell at this point... But then he speaks up- ''I'll take your offer, if you let me design this place the way I want it.'' he looks at you with an unamused face, before he slides the box of UNO cards your way.

Your smile got so bright as he took up your offer- ''So does this mean if I win I can still get some information-'' ''AFTER you fulfill your promise.''

Congrats to you! You had managed to somewhat tame the beast and make him find interest in talking to you with a happy tone (it was more so interest in the game than being happy), it was like Christmas came early for you! If you kept it up you could hopefully go back to your old job and have someone to rant to when Thirteen was occupied with Solomon…

"Draw four."

"Whoa woah woah- you can't do that! You cannot put down two draw twos as a draw four!"

"The fuck? And who made this stupid ass rule?! Last time I checked 2+2 equals FOUR!"

"you CANNOT use both of those unless we were doing a stacking round!"

"WE ARE DOING A STACKING ROUND YOU IDIOT!''

"NO WE ARE NOT?! YOU BRAINDEAD FUCK!''

You kept on bickering with the demon cow until eventually, your game of UNO devolved into an impromptu game of goldfish with the cow absolutely whooping your ass- it was like he read your mind every time he asked you for a specific suit, how un- oh. THAT'S why.

When Matt handed over your debriefing sheet for your little mental mindfuck of a subject, you remembered that it was highlighted to always be somewhat on edge due to his ''Mind-Altering Abilities'' and the supposed mind-reading part- which wasn't something new to you since half of the SCP population had some form of mind-controlling wizz-wazz and the stupid HR team would assign fresh-out-of-the-oven new hires to do research on these extremely dangerous SCPs- leading to containment breaches the minute the new hire walked into its enclosure.

Speaking of- that's exactly how the last containment breach happened…weird that this demon..cow thing hasn't tried using his mind control powers despite my vulnerability, you should be more alert. You'll just have to note his intelligence whenever Matt decides to come back. Goddamn Matt.

Luckily enough you had five cards left- an ace, 2 of clubs, 3 of spades, 6 of hearts, and a joker- but now you had to somehow outwit a SCP that could possibly be reading your mind and doing god knows what with the newfound knowledge of ALL of your card, but at least he had one last card- ''Human, give me your three six of spades.'' well damn, when you said you were going to have to outwit this guy you didn't mean set this guy on ''oh yeah just go ahead and give me the win for free'' type difficulty, but you weren't really going to complain- wait.. Is he holding up a three of spades card? What??

Did he not just say six of spades..? Whatever..a lucky guess- but you did have to cough up your card in utter defeat, until that lucky guess turned into FOUR more ''lucky'' guesses- with you holding your head in your hands in confusion, drawing a card from the deck after your failed calling, and really starting to rethink the whole ''why hasn't he used mind control'' part because there was no way in hell that this guy was actually making THIS many lucky guesses in a row, especially with such specific numbers and calling cards!

Oooookay.. Now it was really crunch time because you only had one last card left- your golden opportunity to establish a (hopefully) good-standing relationship with your cause of death, the golden glimmering ticket to getting Matt off your back for one minute more, shimmering inside of the card you held in your hand... But you had a trick up your sleeve- since he had already outed himself with his deck and had around two sets of four pairs... You could pull off just using this information to your advantage by knowing what sets he would go for and subsequently already knowing what sets you could take from him…yeah, that would work! But I guess you would have to also look out for what he says more carefully anyway.

The demon cow in front of you shook his head before reaching forward to quickly swipe a card from you and nonchalantly placing it in between his cards.

''You know, I don't have all day- do you mind finally asking for your card?''

''Don't rush me! It's not my fault I have to strategize against YOU because you want to play mental mind games with me!''

He blinked. Once. And then twice- before he burst into a fit of laughter, his teeth showing as he keeled over whilst pointing at you- ''oooooooHHH my god no- no way! Hah-hahaha- YOURRRR telling me that you had to use all 25% of your brain power to just simply strategize against ME, ''a lowly lifeform that isn't as superior'' as you disgusting humans! Ohmyfuckinggwaaaaard you are- hahaa- all-heh- so pathethicccc!'' The cards flew out of his hand as he rolled backward to lay on the floor- still laughing at your expense.

And here you were thinking that this guy was a serious threat.

''What a joke.'' you thought to yourself as you slid across the floor to snatch up his scattered cards and give your original deck to him- ''Damn, I guess you were right- we humans ARE more intelligent, maybe it's time to leave the dumbassery in your head and not let it roll off your tongue? Also, also, Go Fish!'' You proudly said before rising to your feet and dropping the cards- casting your glance towards the direction of the door, relief washing over your body after seeing a familiar shaped shadow in the window of the lab- god, you hoped that the microphone in the room was on because you were sosososoSO dead if it wasn't because this demon cow was looking at you like you just kicked a puppy, his upper body turned around to give you a dangerous look- one that screamed nothing but danger and pure anger.

All right, nice job, you managed to piss off this Keter class- what next?… so you started furiously tapping on the tile of the nearby wall with your nails- you knew that the microphones in containment cells were extremely sensitive, so whoever was in the lab could SURELY hear your frantic morse code tapping, unless, y'know, they really…and I mean really, wanted you dead.

--- .--. . -. / -.. --- --- .-.

..-. --- .-. / - .... . / .-.. --- ...- . / --- ..-. / --. --- -.. / --- .--. . -. / -.. --- --- .-.

.--. .-.. . .- ... .

God you really are going schizophrenic, aren't you? Or this mysterious figure in the window was actually both deaf and blind- either way, this demon cow thing was going to actually have you thrown into the incinerator as a body bag if this damn figure didn't open the door- ''So you really do think you're better than me, huh? You, humans, are really all the same.'' the cow suddenly appeared in front of your face- shoving you into a wall and digging his claws into your uniform, his hot breath causing some light condensation to form on your face- ''Maybe stop being so fucking arrogant and you'll find your answer to your lifelong question- let go of me.''

A door makes a hissing sound before a satisfying beep resounds throughout the room.

''Arrogant? Really, let's be honest here- I have all reason in the world to be FUCKING arrogant, throwing me against my will and ripping me from my brothers just to have me in here like I'm an animal!'' The cow responded, pressing you into the wall further- his purple eyes boring daggers deep inside your soul, one of his hands lifted to clasp around your throat, his nails starting to break through your skin and started squeezing it enough to where you wouldn't be able to stay conscious much longer- ''Thats because you ARE a fffffucking animal! Getting all pf-hissssy in the face over a game like a child thruwo-throwing a tantrum- get a phff-ffucking grip!'' you stared at him with wild eyes as you tried desperately to gain some sort of grip against the smooth texturing of the tiles on the wall, your vision starting to go dark and speaking your mind wasn't helping- ''you want to eat the sour candy but don't want to thhaasste the sourness, huh? [REDACTED] was wrong. Redemption is Ffffhhharr behind your kind.'' His iron-clad grip on your neck slowly gets weaker with every word you say before it finally lets go and you drop to the floor unceremoniously- but not before sweeping his feet with your foot and making a dash towards the door with your hand covering one side of your neck- the door finally slamming open and then slamming back shut.

''Things will iron themselves out eventually. We've got enough information on the SCP to sustain- we just need your report of your own findings. Great work, MC!'' you passed by the voice to slump in your chair- your droopy eyes slowly look over towards the voice as you recognized the holder of said voice… fucking Matt.

''Call tttt-thirteen.'' you weakly said, the past situation having drained all of your energy to the point where just simply speaking felt like a chore- ''Of course, I'll be calling the medics to come and take a look at your unpreventable work accident.'' Matt clasped his hands together and gave you a shit-eating smile when he said ''unpreventable work accident''- as if! If he was sitting around in here with his feet all propped up he could have easily intervened! Really shows how much of a piece of absolute shit he is.

Luckily enough he did you a solid for once and got Thirteen and Luke down to your office lickity split, and as both frantically ran to your slumped-over body- THIS guy annoyingly frolicked out of your office with some pep in his step, yelling something about ''Ta-Tah!'' as he did a cartwheel out- wait, you must be hallucinating…what person working here actually cartwheels out of a room? God, you were seriously starting to think that you would be seeing the light soon because there was no way you actually just witnessed that…whatever.

You now sat in the mostly silent lab with Luke running around and grabbing supplies from his nearby bag and trying to stop most of the blood, with Thirteen helping grab any supplies he might need that he needed two hands to deal with- you were constantly tensing up due to the generous amount of disinfectants Luke was putting on your wounds, constantly gritting and sucking it what little amount of air you could get in through your teeth- ''Dont you think that's enough, Luke?'' ''Well I can't just let you bleed out, and the wounds need to be disinfected to prevent infections from getting in your bloodstream, which also can constitute to other diseases that could-'' ''AAAALLRIGHT! I get it, I seriously get it, Luke! Please just go back to tending to my wounds…please?''

Luke nodded his head as he littered your neck with even more disinfectant-filled cotton balls, with you groaning in pain and starting to beg him to just go ahead and put on the bandaids…or patches- but eventually he finished up and started floating near your chair, motioning for Thirteen to come to sit in the other empty chair as both Luke and Thirteen looked at you like they had something to say.. ''Let me just ask before you both say anything- is this an intervention?''

''Yes.'' ''Mhm..''

They both shared a somber look before Thirteen spoke up- ''I just want to say before we even speak about what happened, I should have made time to be here with you- I should have been here to protect you from this since I should have known that this was going to happen!'' she lurched forward in her chair as she held onto your hand- ''I know we've had some rough times, especially when you first came- but I would have never wished THIS onto you! I really, and I really do consider you to be one of my best friends in this shitty excuse of a workplace, but I was just-''

''That was years ago. I know we are already friends because you always have tried to protect me, and it is not your fault that this happened because I know that you were busy dealing with Solomon- a whole Thaumiel class SCP… It's really not your fault if you were just tending to your own SCP- I can hold my own weight, I'm not dead am I? Just suffering some potentially fatal wounds, that's all!'' You smiled at her, gripping her hand back as she sniffled- ''Oh my god you are so stuuupid! haha, and this is why I like you so much, you can make situations somewhat better all the fuckin time..'' She smiled back at you as she hugged you, giggling into your shoulder.

''Seeing you sniffle and cry on my shoulder is so out of character for you- for someone with such a no-bs attitude and such sass''

''At least you have seen another side of me.''

Eventually, after you had your small heart-to-heart with Thirteen, the three of you in the room quickly moved onto the topic of your SCP and what happened whilst you were inside of the room with him, spending almost an hour and a half talking about the previous events- eventually causing you to glance over towards the curled up cow in the corner, who was presumably sleeping.

''Aren't you ready to send him off for extermination after what he did to you? I mean, he did almost KILL you after all!'' Luke asked you emphasizing the killing part with his hands as he clicked his tongue- ''I don't blame him for attacking me, hell- Id be trying to kill someone too if they proved my point when I was trying to be all high and mighty- its more of a matter of the pure embarrassment than taking it as an insult.''

Thirteen hummed and nodded her head in agreement- ''Solomon did that to me once and I swear on everything I loved I had a mock WWE mosh pit with his ass! MC is right, its the more-so embarrassment of being called out in a smug tone that pisses people off the most.'' Luke only shook his head again at her response- ''I don't even wanna know what you two do when someone happens to commit the oh-so cardinal sin of giving a little bit of constructive criticism!''

''If you are so shocked about this well-known fact then ask Simeon, I'm sure he will tell you multiple times where he's had to use every ounce of force in his body, probably the holy spirit as well, to hold himself back from beating the absolute hell out of someone for that- speaking of, you know what I think he would do? Like.. y'know that Bonnie animatronic from that one fnaf game?''

''Mm.. The Joy Of Creation? Is that the Bonnie you meant?'' ''Yeah- YEAAAAHH!! That Bonnie! I thought his animation was honestly the best one out of every single fnaf fangame.'' Thirteen laughed and told you more about her favorite section of the game, right before Luke cut her off by pinching her mouth close- ''MC! Let's not get distracted here! We should be discussing more about this..stupid-d demon..cow- t-thing..'' He seemed to shiver as he gazed towards the cow who had now turned around and was flipping him off- as if he somehow heard what Luke said?

''Rrrrright.. Basically, in short, he's not a totally bad SCP- he listens somewhat and he has an interest in playing cards��mm, yeah what else... Oh! We made a deal..'' You shrugged nonchalantly at the last part as you watched Luke nearly pass out before he jumped up and shrieked- ''YOUMADEADEALWITHADEMON?!'' his words mashing together as he blubbered on and on about the consequences of making deals with demons, especially when you probably put your life on the line as a bargaining chip- ''I agree with Luke! What the fuck MC?! What in your right mind would compel you to make a deal with THAT guy out there? Are you possessed? Do we need to bring in the local pastor?!''

''Oh my- I didn't put my life on the line, I made a deal with him that if I could beat him in a game of cards he would give me his name and I would remodel his room to his liking- im not that stupid to sit here and make a dumbass deal with a Keter class- just how stupid do you both take me for?'' You frowned at the both of them, sighing when you saw them exhale breaths of relief- with Luke praising god that you were going to be able to live another day…At least Luke cared enough to start praying.

''But, like how do you plan on relocating him when his room is redecorated? I heard from the nearby gossip train that your little cow friend over here does NOT take well to being relocated to other places- apparently, dude got so pissed during his relocation to this site that he sent HALF of the Alpha team to the fucking shadow realm, I kid you not, their trackers were reported to be somewhere inside of Pluto's orbit!'' Thirteen asked you, her eyes widening when she started talking about the cow, with Luke slightly laughing at her extreme understatement of the situation- ''Simeon told me about that, he was saying how mad he was at HR for sending one of the other angels out on ''cleanup crew''.''

You laughed alongside Luke about Thirteen's explanation of the cow, before you slowly spoonfed the information about you and the cow's agreed relocation spot, covering your ears before they both screamed at each other, then you, and then back at each other, a resounding symphony of ''WHAAAAT?!'' and ''YOUR AN IDIOT!'' echoed throughout the room before you smugly held up your hand- ''Watch and learn- I can fix our relationship and get him to be docile in here!''

''Yeah right.''

''I'm going to go and get some fainting medicine..''

You propelled your chair backward towards the lab's control panels, quickly running your hands over numerous buttons and reading off the listed names underneath each button before you stopped on one listed: ''MIC ON/OFF'', and a nervous smile appeared on your face as you hid it from the skeptical audience of two you had behind you as you tapped on the mic three times, softly sighing as you heard the feedback resound throughout the room.

''Testing, testing…''

No response.

''If you can hear me, raise your hand…please.''

You now heard a sluggish groan and the sound of clothes being shuffled around as you saw the cow lazily raise his hand and drop it right back down as he shuffled around again to re-curl back into his little ball.

''All right... Great job! Err.. I know we haven't had such a good experience together, but I'd like to come in to talk to you, is that all right?''

''I don't care, do what you want.''

And you just took that as an invitation into his enclosure as you jumped up from your seat and grabbed a notepad as you tapped in the code to the door- hissing as it opened as you stepped into what could probably be the next headache of the janitors here- oh how you felt slightly bad for the poor D-Classers who would be practically scrapping your disemboweled ass off of every square inch of wall in here.

Whatever though, you had one job to do and you had to do it right if you wanted to get more valuable information from your subject- speaking of, he seemed to uncurl from his ball somewhat to look at you walking towards him, a neutral look adorned his face as he sighed when you stopped in front of him.

''What do you want?''

''Look- I'm not mad at you if that's what your thinking. I just came to bring you my part of the deal.'' You answered him with a soft tone- not trying to anger the guy once again and having your neck end up looking like some vampire went to town on it, AGAIN.

He scoffed as you sat down in front of him, groaning as he slowly rose up to mimic your position- ''It's not like I was worried about what YOU had to say…hey..you did mean that thing we talked about earlier?'' He responded to your question as he pointed towards the notepad in your hand- ''Oh yeah, I'm not one to make false promises after all'' You attempted to make a meek smile at the cow despite the nervousness nipping at every nook and cranny of your body, the feeling making you feel so uncomfortable just being near the very same thing that could have nearly killed you just a mere two hours ago- Oh hey! Is he drawing the big dipper?

''You don't have to stare..that close, y'know? I know my art is pretty bad.'' He retorted before playfully swiping at your face to get you to reel back a little- ''It's not THAT bad…I mean- if you look at it from an angle..'' you started trying to hide your upcoming giggle fit before the cow started whacking you on top of the head with the notepad- "You HUUUUMANS just don't know how to value true artistic detail when you see it!''

After your seemingly endless play fight and stupid banterfest back and forth with each other, the cow finally finished his drawing and handed the finished paper back to you as you called for Thirteen to use the nearby extraction claw to bring it back to the lab room safely.

''So, let's talk more seriously now. We really need to discuss your whole relocation problem, especially since it has been noted that you don't take too kindly to being moved around?'' You asked the cow, who just gave you a serious sideways glance- ''Oh, hm. You must be talking about the pathetic humans I sent to a nearby solar system. They were being too rough with my favorite pillow and ripped it to shreds- it was a gift from L-mmn…someone special.''

''Oh.''

''I can take being relocated, sure, but only if it's somewhere nice and dark where I can take a nap. All of the light in here keeps me awake, and that irritates me.'' he motioned upwards towards the light and groaned when he accidentally looked directly into one of the overhead light fixtures, i mean, you had to sympathize with the guy here!

This specific room felt so damn boring and it felt like your eyes were being burnt every time you moved them in any direction- white, white, and more fucking white! No wonder so many researchers drove themselves mad- if it was you? A good old-fashioned toaster bath would have had you six feet under a LONG time ago.

You hummed in response, gradually lifting from your feet and uncomfortably starting to explain how you would have to come back either tomorrow or sometime soon with a definite answer if Matt decided to feel joyous for once and grant your request for a renovation, with your fears being lifted once the cow said that he didn't mind waiting.

Great! Now all that was left was to go talk to HR…!

And here you are- sat in a dark room full of red pentagons and a sacrificial goat laid across a table in the middle of the room with six red cloaked figures, illuminated by a large smartboard screen as all six surrounded the goat- a chorus of satanic chants resounded throughout the room- wait is that a fucking data chart of the stock market??

Damn, you knew HR had some (ALOT) screws loose but this was just downright ridiculous.

''Uh, you all do realize I'm HERE, right?'' um. Did they just not hear you over their satanic chants?

''G̶̦͔̻͖͕͇̙̖͂̏̿L̷̢̨̰̮̹̳̂Ò̷̧̡͕͔̳̼͒̊͊͌̕͜R̴͙̺̟̠͊̓̂̐̃Y̸̡͙͈̖̰͔͚̖̅̎͝ ̸̛̗̱̩̞̌͒̆T̷̛̹̰̼̼̭̝̏̉̈́͠Ó̷̬͔̣̠͊̏ ̶̧̗̭̟̼̅̽͝O̵͈͑̚͠Ǘ̵̧͈̣̗̺͂̽̋͝R̸̡̦̗̟̠̃̔̈́̌ ̷̨͙͓͕̯̗́Ś̶̪̦̣̟͇͜P̶̛̘̲̻͜Ė̷̼͕̀̅̏E̸̡̙̹̪͖͙͙͇͊D̷̳͍̬͖̻̤̤̬̂̒̌̆̈́͂̕͝Ǫ̵̹̱̻̬͉͉͊̉́̑̈́̈̈́W̸̧̛͉͕͙̲̱̜͚͗̋̇̑̕͝͠E̵̝̳̮͔̻̠̚͝A̸̤̥̔̆͋Ř̴̛̥̩͕̬͜Ȋ̵͎̖̽̓̆̆̈́̋N̵̼̰̞̠̗̿̀͛͆̾̓̚ͅͅǴ̸̮̟͓̗̉͑̒ ̶̗̪͓̳̺̹̣͒͋̏́͊͂G̴͇̼͔̩͚̙̈́͌͒̑̏Ô̴̢̼̪̜̔̄̀͌̉Ó̷̝͙͇̍͆̒̈̕͜Ḍ̸̨͊̆̍̋͒ ̶̟̖͇̻̖͍̓̈́̈́͘G̷̟͇̬̎́͘͜O̴̢̗̱̳͎̟̒̓̓̀͂̃̇O̸̙̖̻̪̝̒̅̆͑̌̃͗͘G̸̡̘͖̦̖̮̀̒́̽͜ͅL̶̞̯͈̜̉͝Y̶͍͔̟͆̍͘͝ ̷̖̅̽̂̓̓̚ͅM̴̮̖͉͍̥̺͉̍̈́̏͆̀͒̀̚ͅƠ̸̻̎̏͒͒̾͘͝O̴͈̗̲̩̐̊̓G̸̡̠̝̫̮̜̗̪̿̃͂̔̋̓͘͠L̵̤̙͕͈̓͂Y̵̞̋́̚ ̷̫̄̾̽̽̂̓G̴͈̃͑́Y̸̜̼͕̰̙̣͖̓̀̽A̶̯͒̈́͗̓͠Ṫ̶̤̰̻̦̤̓̑T̴̥̯̤͔̰̱̫͖̈̋̈̈́E̴̞̩̤͊́̂́͊̚R̷̗̫̹̐̉͌̅͋̓S̸̘̳̳̓Ọ̵̢͈͙̜̬͊͒̍͊͝ͅN̵̨̳̱͈̣̈́̃̾͊̈́̇͛̚ ̷̡̨̦̰͚̠̰̩̎̅S̸͚̖͎̈̀̆̀̐Ą̴͕̹̱̫̯̆̄̇͌̇̃́̑T̸͓͌̃̚͝͝A̵͍͙͙̎̔̏͊͜͝N̸̩̙̼̈́̄͌̕!̵̰̹͖̥̼̓̇̋ͅ ̷̢̡͖̳̬̖͎͑̋̇͆͐͛̚͜͠''

What- what the fuck?

''What the HELL is wrong with you guys?! Since when are we praising the devil who wears motherfucking SPEEDOS! Yall are some grade A, finest out of the bunch, FREAAAAKS!'''

Ỏ̵̞H̶̫̝̅-̶̬͗ ̴̧̀Ų̵̯̉͆h̶͍͚́.̷͔̊.̶̪͔̋̀ A loud, nasty cough makes its way out of the throat of the cloaked figure in the middle- "Sorry bout' that. Uhm, we were just in the middle of our annual stock market influence session- also praising the devil was in the latest company annual shares packet that was handed out last... Er, Memphis-'' ''MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING MEMPHIS! ALSO THE PACKET WAS HANDED OUT LAST TUESDAY'' ''Memphis City…right- last Tuesday!'' The cloaked figure drifts a packet labeled ''COMPANY PROFITS FROM STOCK MARKET LATEST CRASH'' towards you as you quickly skim over it before tossing it somewhere behind you as you gave a ''Cmon now..'' face to the rest of the cloaked HR team- ''Uh yeah- so can we continue?''

''Freaky fucks- yeah sure whatever, I wanna be out of this room asap.''

The middle-cloaked man quickly pulled a medieval-styled dagger out of his pocket- yelling ''SHARES OF JP MORGAN CHASE UP 14 POINTS!'' and quickly slicing the neck of the poor goat open- with your unfortunate self being sprayed with the crimson liquid as you just sighed- ''oh shit- sorry MC, do you want a company branded handkerchief?'' you shook your head no and quickly asked for permission to get your SCP's room renovated instead, luckily enough with the HR team humming and ''Memphis'' yelling at you that he would send you an email for the contracting as you made you way out of the room.

''ALRIGHT BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL PEOPLE!! MORE GYYYYEEOOOOOATS EQUALS TO MORE SHAAAAARES!!''

''Crazy!'' you mumbled to yourself as you practically ran away from the HR meeting room and made a b-line straight to your room- unlocking the door, only to find Thirteen and Luke huddled up in the corner looking absolutely petrified..?

''Uh..?'' you questioned the two before they both pointed towards something behind you- only for you to turn around and have your foot slightly tap the cow's nose- ''ow.''

You whipped your head back around to give Thirteen and Luke an open-mouthed look as you motioned towards the sleeping demon cow, whisper-shouting- ''Guys. How-how did he get in here?!'' Thirteen threw her hands up in defense, ''I swear on everything I love- that guy straight-up walked in her looking like some eldritch horror and plopped down on the floor, and he also went back to looking normal afterward..poor Luke over here damn near passed out!'' she whisper-shouted back, protectively holding him in her arms.

''Just- just leave... I can deal with him and Luke looks like he just shit his pants- both literally AND figuratively..''

''Great idea!''

And there goes Thirteen- well anyways, you were now once again stuck alone with this cow.

''How did it go..'' You heard his sluggish voice mumble out from behind you as he slowly rose to his full height before ushering you over towards the nearby chairs and using you as a makeshift pillow- ''Great... I mean it went just fantastic- caught HR praising their oh-so-great speedo-wearing red devil man..again..'' you retorted as your eyes slowly drifted downwards towards the indigo-colored hair of the cow, the urge to pet him slowly residing deep within your bones..

And then you heard the cow snort below you as the snort slowly started developing into an infectious fit of laughter- ''Your- you're kidding right? There's no way you caught the HR team doing that!'' You laughed right back with him, your stomach starting to hurt from laughing so hard- ''I'm not joking, I swear I walked in there and they had a whole ass smartboard with the stock market on it and started doing cartwheels and flips around this- this fucking goat! It was unreal!''

''And I thought people where I come from were crazy..''

''I guarantee you the HR team will always go above and beyond to make you think they snorted like..six lines of the mystical magical fairy dust before they do any sort of team meeting- this one time I actually caught them doing a Zoomba lesson in-'' ''Dont tell me they were wearing speedos?!'' ''Shocker! They were doing a Zoomba lesson in speedos, on top of yoga balls..''

''Oh my god, your kidding…right?''

''BUT WAIT THERE'S MOOORE!!''

''NO WAY!!''

Even throughout all of your laughs about the crazy HR team, you couldn't shake this feeling of wanting to pet this cow's hair that was steadily growing- before you just gave up and slowly reached to pet it…which was surprisingly soft? Does this guy groom himself like a cat or something?

Either way- you kept on petting him before you finally noticed that he was staring directly up at you, his half-purple and half-pink eyes boring holes into your own as you KEPT staring right back at him, but eventually the unease of the mock staring contest made you start reeling your hand back before the cow made some strained sound of protest and something in your head told you to put your hand back- and without thinking, you put your hand back in its original position.. Weird.

''Y'know, you still haven't told me your name- calling you the ''demon cow'' all the time kinda feels a little wrong.'' You now started scratching his scalp, a happy hum emitting from the cow before he finally spoke up- ''Neither have you, MC.''

Okay okay- what?? ''Wait- waitwaitwait- how do you know my name?'' Your hand stopped scratching his scalp as you questioned the cow as he paused- ''It's not rocket science, your friends said it earlier when you walked in.'' he simply responded before raising up his arm and tapping on your hand in an effort to get it moving again- ''That- cmon now! You know my name, its time to cough up yours- BUDDY.''

He slightly sighed before he lifted himself off of you and sat down in the nearby chair, moving a stray strand of hair out of his face before he slowly said his name and quickly flashed you a small (unnoticeable) smile…

''Belphegor.''

You paused- ''You mean, as in the seven deadly sins, BELPHEGOR??'' he nodded, slightly puzzled as to why you didn't catch onto this a long time ago- ''Oooh... Oh yeah, that definitely explains the questionable clothing'' you tsked as you looked him up and down- ''And whats that supposed to mean?''

''It's supposed to mean that you dress like a hobo. What else would I be trying to say?''

''Arent you just a ray of sunshine? Dickhead.'' Belphegor playfully swiped at your face again as you tried to get him to stop with another snark comment- and the minute you were about to do so the nearby laptop dinged, indicating that you had a new message.

MC'S MAILBOX (1)

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STAFF MEETING NOTES

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SCP CHECK-IN

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DEPRESSION CHECK XPRESS

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>>> FORMAL CONTAINMENT ROOM RENOVATION RE..

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STOP ORDERING PIZZA TO THE..

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MY STUDENTS ARE ALL...

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Formal Containment Room Renovation Request

To: [REDACTED], MC (L_MNGMENT.SCP6████████.net)

From: [REDACTED], Mephistopheles (MANAGEMENT.SCP2.M@████████.net)

Good Day, MC.

I am contacting you today due to the earlier request of an FCRRR, and I am pleased to inform you that after careful consideration of your recent efforts to bring the Foundation more valuable insights into the care of specialized Keter classes, we have decided to approve your request and have it expedited due to the surrounding circumstances of your SCP.

Please have the reference and/or reference(s) delivered to the on-site hieroglyphics translator, ████████.

Here at the foundation, we strive for nothing less than a plausible containment cell for SCPs, especially those with expansive minds and such intellect.

Great work with your [SPECIALIZED KETER CLASS].

The council is very pleased with your recent work and want to introduce the possibility of a promotion if you can show that you can gather and collect such valuable information without causing unnecessary liabilities and [WORK ACCIDENTS].

To add on: Be wary of having said Keter class in your workspace unless you are absolutely sure that you can fully prevent a possible Containment Breach, if this warning is disregarded, you will be put up for demotion and your family will be stuck with the lawyer fees.''

I will contact you with further details about the time you should be planning for the contracted team to work on your SCP's Containment Cell.

Sincerely, Mephistopheles \\ HR MANAGEMENT OFFICER \\ SECOND DIVISION.

------------------------------------------

You turned around and snickered at Belphegor, his confused face making you burst out into a fit of laughter before you finally told him why you suddenly found him to be the source material of straight comedy gold.

''I'm not gonna lie I don't have a clue in the fucking world what you drew- I don't even think the HIEROGLYPHICS translator will be able to decypher that shit.''

''I know, I hope they start crying over it too.''

> Rename FILE.[FOLDER_3]? > *Please select one option.*

(Yes/Yes)

*Enter a new name for FILE.[FOLDER_3].* > [BELPHEGOR | ]

> Saving FILE.[BELPHEGOR].. Please wait.

<<< ''Do you really want to go back?'' || ''Are you sure you want to return?'' >>>

Pssssst…hey! Biz here, i forgot to crosspost the small break i took on the book so i could brainstorm a more coherent plotline, so thats why my tumblr was mainly art posts for a couple of days.

If there are more breaks, this fic on Ao3 will definitely have an update on it.

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mlobsters · 11 months ago

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supernatural s12e23 all along the watchtower (w. andrew dabb)

CASTIEL Kelly. I told you I'd put this together. I'm very good at following instructions.

cute

welcome back, friend-o

said it many times before and i'll say it again, so glad to have pellegrino back. man, he's just so creepy as lucifer. can't get over it. they can give the same lines to someone else and it never quite lands the same

LUCIFER All right, well, I'd love to chat with ya, but, uh, why waste my time, right? It's not like you matter. I don't need to put on the old Sam suit anymore, do I? DEAN You know, if you think we're just gonna let you walk – LUCIFER Oh, hey, Dean! I know you fellas are gonna try, you know, whatever. Whatever you're gonna try. But you can't kill me. You've never been able to kill me. And with, uh, witch bitch gone, you can't put me back in the Cage, so like I said… you don't matter. Okay? Buh-bye. Buh-bye.

is rowena actually dead? i was under the impression she was in other later seasons but i don't actually know. that would be a crappy way to go out, to be sure. i know they like to kill people off, but hell, meg got an amazing episode before she was offed. made me cry! meg!! gonna assume not until proven otherwise

KELLY I'm just saying, the checkout guy looked at us like we were super weird. CASTIEL Ah, you'll get used to it.

lol. (unwanted baby tip though, even non-half-archangel newborns grow super fast so you never know how long a size of diaper will fit. some are too big for newborn sizes almost right away! lol)

what in the world. did she just leak some lucifer baby juice on the truck through her hand

how very hell-ish. so who's our mystery guest. old angel, god, benny, hell-au!dean

KELLY Hi, Jack. It's, uh… I'm your mom.

ps my youngest kiddo is named jack lol

s12e23 / star trek: generations (1994)

have to get back to the nexus!

LOL scrambling for an assist from sam, maybe not your best bet what with sam and lucifer's history

SAM Crowley…why did you do it? Save Lucifer– What did you want? CROWLEY I wanted to win. I perverted Mother's spell, put Lucifer in a vessel of my own making because I wanted to win. You have any idea how many people have made a play for my throne over the years? Lucifer, Abaddon, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Too damn many. I thought if I could put the Devil on a leash… my own personal nuke, no one would ever dare challenge me again.

talk about embarrassing, good grief. i'm not sure crowley has the capacity to feel embarrassed really? so at least i'm not feeling it really either, except from a distance. he's not really bothered, i'm not really bothered! i'd like to think crowley would know better than this, but then everyone has their weak spots

curious where this "i hate my job" thing is going. sam seems dubious (as is right). but another thing i love that they generally keep to with crowley is he's playing a long game, almost always. reminds me a bit of a line about hannibal (though crowley is more mushy human regularly than hannibal is honestly)

hannibal s3e2 primavera WILL GRAHAM Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once, without distraction from any. One of the trains is always for his own amusement. ABIGAIL HOBBS He's playing with us. WILL GRAHAM Always.

CROWLEY Well, whenever there's a world-ending crisis at hand, I know where to place my bets. It's on you, you big, beautiful, lumbering piles of flannel

true and also buttering them up but also getting in a dig, all around very signature crowley, yes please and thank you

CROWLEY So if you'll forgive my transgression, I'll make it worth your while. DEAN Which means? CROWLEY After we put Lucifer back in his cage– together– I'll seal the gates of Hell. You'll never see another demon again, apart from, of course, yours truly. MARY You would do that? CROWLEY Why not? They stab me in the back, I'll happily stab them in the front, the sides, and right up their little black-eyed asses. So… we have a deal?

LOL he wanna move into the bunker too?

CROWLEY This is what you do when I'm not here? Type? DEAN Yep.

haha crowley see it's boring being the good guys too

now what are the odds that crowley does stay there, sitting down, and shutting up :p

DEAN Saving your ass. SAM You and Kelly just taking off was a stupid move. But there's no way we're letting Lucifer get his hands on that kid. It ain't happening. DEAN Look, Sam's right, okay? We'll work through our crap. We always do. But right now, we are here to get you, get Kelly, and get gone.

interesting, feels like sam rarely gets mad at cas. he was actually a little angry here, guess risking lucifer getting jack because they skipped town was a hot button

(ok i went to go look at the script to see if it said what he was thinking and wow a ton of stuff here didn't make into the episode. crowley being wayy too human and more. ok actually all of this is way different than what is happening, i gotta stop reading)

CASTIEL It's a doorway to another world. DEAN Anoth– What, like Narnia? CASTIEL No. No, through there it's Earth, but…but different. It's a– it's an alternate reality.

haha my hell-au!dean batshit suggestion not sounding so batshit!

SAM So it's a Bizarro world? Or – or like the place we got zapped to where we were, uh, uh, actors on a TV show. DEAN Oh, yeah. The supernatural wasn't real. SAM Yeah. DEAN And you were Polish.

:p silly

LOLOL oh my god hell-au!BOBBY! i did not go batshit enough. laughed until i was wheezing

CASTIEL As I said, it's– it's Earth. But this Earth is locked in eternal war between Heaven and Hell. There are armies of angels fighting hoards of demons, and the few humans that remain are caught in between.

SAM Yeah. John Winchester, our father. BOBBY Doubt it. He's dead. Been dead over 40 years now. Only reason I know about him is this Hunter I ran with, Mary Campbell. You get a few pints of shine into her, and she always told the same story about the man she loved– John Winchester. Azazel killed her about 10 years ago. SAM Cas, what the hell is this? CASTIEL This is a world where you were never born. It's a world you never saved.

haha so it's like SEE this is what would have HAPPENED if mary didn't make the deal with azazel!!!! so she did the RIGHT thing!!! you know i don't think she had a choice since heaven and hell were behind the scenes pulling strings, so i never felt like mary needed absolution, but okay then

MARY Okay. I think they're less than five minutes apart now. It's almost time. How you doin'? KELLY I'm dying. MARY I know. KELLY But that's okay. 'Cause wouldn't you die for your sons? MARY Yeah.

usually pregnancy/labor doesn't get to me but man this is pushing my weepy buttons unexpectedly. some of this being too relatable to when my jack was born (without the anticipated imminent death). they also deployed the mushy music

DEAN You know, Cas has faith in this kid.I hope he's right. But me? I have faith in us. You, me, Mom, Cas. And Crowley. Sometimes.

sweet and cute

shove lucifer into the nexus!

cute. and padalecki's hair always looks best to me when it's a little disheveled

well crowley surely can't be dead after this apparent self sacrifice too, right?

and now cas going in to fight when they're trying to seal the nexus. we're maxing out the drama

cas dead but what, soon to be revived by jack? chuck? somebody. and lucifer pulling mary into the nexus while she uses her amped up brass knuckles to..... punch lucifer in the face a bunch. hoookay. which conveniently now decides to seal with them both inside. with a dead?? crowley

i went back and read through the (production draft) script and things were moved around and a lot was changed/removed. i have only recently gotten in the habit of skimming the scripts when available more regularly for the ep i'm on, so i dunno how common it is for them but so far i haven't seen one even close to as many differences from script to screen that this had

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 12x23 #andrew dabb

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besidesitstoowarm · 1 year ago

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"Forest of the Dead" thoughts

i think this is my favorite davies-era moffat story. i mean, "blink" is iconic and tightly constructed, and "empty child/doctor dances" has a phenomenal backbone, but nothing can really compete with professor river song. sorry

we open with what my boyfriend called "runescape ass music" and donna wakes up in a dream world where she meets a husband and has two kids. it's all very nice and she seems quite happy. river says the doctor is "the only story you'll ever tell, if you survive him" which i think is a reasonable judgment. he wants to know how he's supposed to trust her and she whispers something in his ear and he agrees to trust her

donna gets a weird letter from the demon from "insidious" that basically says this world is a lie. the doctor is able to talk to mr hey who turned out the lights by using the neural relay in his suit and the vashta nerada inform him that this is their home, they were born here. they're found in forests normally and this is their forest, born from a million million books. donna is told by the demon that all the kids in that world are the same and we see that they are. the demon is just miss evangelista copied wrong

river is not so sure about the doctor bc he isn't "her" doctor yet, he's unfinished. they realize the "saved" 4k people were literally saved to the computer hardd rive. he says "i bet i like you" to river and she says "oh, you do" i would actually kill to see more tennant/kingston on screen, they could have amazing chemistry

donna's kids disappear bc they aren't real. i like the quote from miss evangelista where she said she had "the two qualities required to see absolute truth: i am brilliant, and unloved" mamma mia. the doctor beefs w the vashta nerada again "i'm the doctor and you're in the biggest library in the world. look me up"

he decides to filter the hard drive through his own brain to get the ram needed to bring everyone back but river says fuck no that'll kill him so she punches him out, handcuffs him to a post, and wires herself in. he begs her not to "time can be rewritten" and she's crying as she says "not those times. not one line, don't you dare" and it's revealed the word she whispered in his ear was his name. she explodes but it worked and the people are saved

donna tries to find her dream-husband but can't. we see he's real but can't call out to her in time :( the doctor realizes he gave river his sonic in the future bc he found a way to save her and uploads her to the computer where she can be w her dead friends and dream children and alex kingston looks so beautiful in that white gown i want to kill myself

yeah this is straightfowardly a gorgeous story with not a second wasted, an impressive feat for a 2-parter. river is such a good character it's unreal and the vashta nerada are used perfectly, explored just as much as necessary while also being mostly background drama/catalyst for the doctor/river situation. i assume it must have been known at this point that moffat would be taking over for davies, right? obviously he knew it would be his last season and i can't imagine river being introduced as anything except a teaser. but not too much cause it'd be spoilers ;)

god i fucking love this story. i've never heard a bad word about it, we all love it. and next up, the donna relaxes peacefully while the doctor has the worst day of his life

#doctor who #besides its too rewatch #dw s4 #Forest of the Dead

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dothwrites · 1 year ago

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'our father who aren't in heaven' is sure a buckleming episode! fifty thousand characters, at least ten subplots, and somehow, entertaining in spite of it.

i AM furious at dean "not knowing" the achilles heel reference. this is a man who canonically reads homer and who is interested in movies like clash of titans. this is a cheap "hurr hurr dean is stupid" joke made at his expense and i will NOT stand for this 'dean is stupid' slander

the scene where everyone is watching donnatello translate the tablet is so ridiculous that it is entertaining. (additionally how much is on that demon tablet? there's been about twenty different pieces of information on that tablet. how did they find room for it?)

"if you want to stay here then stay here" said to cas when cas' love language is the phrase "i could go with you". dean is still so BRUTAL here and it's still so painful.

at least in the fight with charlie's demonic angels, EVERYONE is getting their ass kicked. "are any of us winning" is a line that has no business being as funny as it is

ROWENA! MY LOVE! MY GREATEST LOVE! queen of hell is actually the perfect character arc for her. it is so fitting. we also love rowena as a relationship counselor. dean and cas both say "it's fine" like "i love him; talk to HIM". and rowena says "fix it" like it's the easiest thing in the world (and you know what? it could be!). it just kills me HOW MUCH attention was given in the divorce arc to dean and cas' relationship and how integral to the show it was. and then in the last bit of the show it is DROPPED! like a hot potato!

jake abel looked at misha and jensen and said "i do not NEED a coworker; i will have extraordinary chemistry with MYSELF" and then proceeded to do exactly that. but seeing jake abel on my spn screen again after ten years was DELIGHTFUL.

this conversation between dean and sam is why i do not UNDERSTAND this idea that "dean wouldn't want sam to be with someone who was in the life". dean is so openly supportive of sam's relationship with eileen, and he GENUINELY enjoys her company. why is there the idea that dean doesn't support their relationship????

castiel's eyes should ALWAYS flash blue! i also enjoyed the idea of cas being the one to pray to michael for a meeting. and then "i didn't come to beg" like! what a fucking POWER MOVE. my GOD! cas and michael share a lot of good moments in this episode, and it's fun to think about cas, who is this insignificant seraph, finally catching michael's attention.

cas baiting michael into snapping... the BALLS on this angel are unbelievable. but he knows it's the only way he's going to get close enough to michael to make him see the truth! he's so smart! "we didn't bond" whoever told cas that he wasn't funny is a DAMN LIAR. and dean is STILL second-guessing cas! he's still criticizing cas' choices and how he chooses to go about things. annoying!

love how things like getting in and out of purgatory become so ridiculously simple in the later seasons. cas and crowley spend an entire season trying to find purgatory and in s15, michael snaps his fingers and BAM! there it is.

"since when do we get what we deserve" i am WEAK. i know that rich said that the glance to cas wasn't necessarily intentional but it still FEELS intentional.

#doth watches spn

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starsambrosia · 11 months ago

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So i stop flooding peoples dash im gonna just make this a group, the tag is #livechatter

Im rambling about my life because i feel like it

mean in all reality they have saved me from a lot of bad people and bad things i just i dunno if i can belive that every single person i meet is some kind of malicous creature or person with bad intentions...its been years and im outgoing i like people but ive had to cut off most people because the gods told me some shit about them that was scary or my divination read something was up

I just dont know but i dont want to risk it...

But like, how many demons can one person come across and how many just so happen to be bad news for me

3 confirmed and funny thing is one of them actually scarred me both physically and astrally /wild/ one was my childhood friend who had a crush on me and also decided to get into a pact with a demon for ...funzies... but i cant recall if she had the bloodline or not because the last one who was actually super chill was following a family tradition

so yeah when the gods say "hey psst beckys a demon" im gonna be like "well golly gee 3 out of 3 demons the gods told me about were demons i wonder if this person is in a pact with a demon

and typically /usually/ me and demons dont get along, they find my energy tasty ig. Like demons are fine they are but like they just want to eat me usually or theyr mad at me on sight :")

But in any case im gonna belive it, its just...really?? I know im a beacon but seriously? Every person i meet is some mischievous or negative entity. I get out here fae are more common but /everyone?/ really? I dunno man i cant just be running into every non human on the planet both online and irl or if theyr normal theyr just the most shit person you can be to an almost cartoonish extent.

/idk man/

But i stare at my pendulum the one i warded clensed banished shit on and used rituals to invoke a gods name and boom its just "yup this ones no good"

Like...OK??? THEN WHO IS??? And theyll set me up with people and it never goes well like it always falls through because the people i click with just arent good enough??? Or they just all want me dead?

Am i the problem? Like its me or its them and theyr gods like idk idk man im lost im so lost, how can nobody be ok how can so many people just want to hurt me on sight am i seriously that pathetic looking?? Or are they playing some kind of protective roll? Thats kind assuming a lot about them

What are the fucking odds theyd just be over protective

Im kinda whirlling right now because i think i figured it out, Apollo always expressed guilt over the whole imprisonment thing even though that was literally my fault for directly disobeying his very clear instructions for some guy, yeah thats an embaressment ill never live down

Im wondering if Apollo felt bad and now hes just being really harsh on anyone who comes near me, i only wonder this because he had been around for a really long time before he helped me escape my home/cult

But like ive asked others too

In the same pantheon

That was responsible for a lot of fucking trauma

Who like most of them have a reason to be harsh on people

I just wonder what would happen if i asked maybe Zeus instead of literally anyone else besides maybe some of the goddesses.

Oh godsssss i think ive just deadass been asking the wrong people because everyone else is bias and angry at people

Jesus christ i knew it was my fault if i had just thought about it for a second and got my head out of the ground i wouldve seen it

But still i could be wrong so i need to go ask Zeus with my pendulum and see whats going on before i go removing anything...im also wondering what other people have to say about this because im honestly so tired of shutting up about my weird ass life

Pendulum with Zeus:

Is the reason i keep getting a no on my friends because everyone else is bias and angry at people

Yes

Will you give me non bias direct answers if i contact you?

Yes

I get so specific with my questions because if it can only say yes no or maybe i want to narrow it down as much as possible, questions are phrased intuitively or auto written but some times intentional, more gently guided though.

So i figured it out by live journaling basically...nice, ok so this is weird...but when is it ever not hhh

Thats sweet honestly, if it weren't so suffocating...i cant belive this this has taken me literally 3 and a half years to figure out and i just had to talk to Lord Zeus??? Hhhhhhh oh my gods

Going to him more often now honestly

I wouldve never guessed that i think i think too lowly of myself if it took 3 and a half years to realize they care enough to be mad at people who caused me like, irreparable damadge hahaaaa

#ambrosia #lore #livechatter

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thessalian · 2 years ago

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Thess vs TLOVM Reviews

The other day, I decided I’d go looking at the reviews for Legend of Vox Machina S2. Just ‘cos. I mean, I knew I liked it, but it’s nice to see what other people think, because I won’t say it’s perfect and it’s sometimes interesting to look at what other people think works (or doesn’t work, depending).

I gleefully noted that 97% of the reviews given in the UK were 5-stars. Lots of good commentary, both from people who’d watched the campaign and those who hadn’t. I also noted, with some interest, the five or so that gave it 1- or 2-star reviews. So I thought I’d have a look and see what they were saying.

I mean, first thing I noticed was that the things were very short and badly spelled with zero grammar and couldn’t even be bothered with capitalising the beginning of sentences. I mean, okay, if that’s how you write, go ahead, but I’m going to side-eye you a little if you’re offering critique that way. And then I read them. Obviously it did not take long.

My sheer disbelief over what I saw, however, engendered a lot of thinking of the angry, “Why do people review shit when they obviously did not actually watch the damn thing?” variety. So now I’m putting my thoughts on virtual paper.

The one that came up a lot was, “No plot”. Um. Okay, there’s a two-pronged answer to that one. I mean, S1 was “Oh fuck dragon infiltration” plus “vampire and necromancer infiltration and oh yeah they murdered one character’s entire fucking family“ plus “And now we have to deal with the demon said character allowed into his soul when he was clawing for survival and revenge after barely escaping with his life”. And when we get to S2, we get, “Oh fuck dragon infiltration was the step in a larger plan!” plus “We need serious weapons to deal with this” plus “What I Will Do To Save My Sister’s Life: A Compendium” plus “When people tell you that your sword is being an asshole, maybe LISTEN” plus “Let’s touch on the pain and tragedy of everyone’s backstory for giggles” with a topping of, “Could strange bedfellows not roofie our known allies, please? I mean-- wait; BBEG is doing what?!?” All of this sounds like plot to me, both of the personal development variety and of the “completing a mission” variety. Soooooo ... not sure where that one came from but at least four people said it. Also apparently focused more on the “sex-starved gnome” (ignoring Scanlan’s character development entirely) and “the alpha male beard guy” (and never mind that Grog has never been the dominant figure in the group and spent a whole lot of S2 showing his soft side and weaknesses - ‘alpha male’ my entire ass; it doesn’t just mean ‘big strong muscular person’ even to the assholes who believe in the term).

And then there was, “They always win; the things that they need always just appear and there’s never any feeling that they might lose”. Which is the point where I start asking, “What the fuck show did you watch?” Focusing entirely on S2 for a moment, we have:

Ep 1: Vox Machina and the entire city of Emon get their collective ass handed to them by the Chroma Conclave; Vox Machina specifically barely escape with their lives twice - once from the city itself, once from the Keep into Whitestone.

Ep 2: Mighty heroes go to Vasselheim for help, basically get told to go fuck themselves, eventually manage to get a tiny shred of information to go on after having their asses handed to them on the emotional level by a couple of spiritual know-alls.

Ep 3: Vex. Fucking. Dies. And that’s leaving out nearly getting drowned by fish people.

Ep 4: Vex is revived through her brother throwing himself into an open-ended deal with a death god, and then they all more or less get their asses handed to them on one level or another; only get out because Vax took self-sacrifice to its greatest heights.

Ep 5: “I AM VERY FLAMMABLE!” That one only gets resolved when Keyleth finally lets go of her anxieties (and if we’re talking about ‘the things we need just appearing’, if she’d figured that out when it was needed, a lot of things would have been a lot easier over the last season or so).

Ep 6: Vox Machina get their asses handed to them again, this time by sphinx. Saved again by character development and someone finally realising that not all wounds are physical ... only to get their asses handed to them yet again by black dragon asshole who takes everything they managed to earn in that entire fight - ally and Vestige. Oh, yeah, and buddy-on-buddy stabbing because of fucking evil sword, and splitting the party.

Ep 7: Both halves of the team end up crippled - Team Gnome And Goliath because weapon (and the shit Grog goes through trying to shake the curse ... and it doesn’t even really work), Team Half-Elf And Know-All because half the party ends up tripping balls. The latter has the worst of it because the two guys get their asses largely kicked by Jell-O.

Ep 8: If people got what they needed exactly when they needed it, Vex would have had even the tiniest bit of support when she was soloing an archfey - one with a fucking Vestige, no less. (The twins have shit luck and worse resistance when it comes to powerful beings making passes at them, I swear.)

Ep 9: Team Gnome and Goliath have to more or less resort to sneaking, gain some allies ... kind of, but since most of them are terrified, that’s not really a lot of help. Beyond that, the only reason they don’t get their asses kicked is because they know they’re going to get their asses kicked. ...And then Grog goes anyway because fuck that, apparently.

Ep 10: What some might call ‘convenient’ breaking of curse is honestly about the only self-reflection someone with an INT of 6 and no real WIS modifier is going to get without flash cards. Then Vox Machina throws everything they have at the enemy and it still isn’t enough. Grog had to more or less kill himself to win that one, so shut up with your “It never feels like they’ll lose”.

Ep 11: Fancy trap? Nope. Get literally inside the dragon and pin it in place from the inside? Nope. Umbrasyl kicks their entire collective ass, even with Herd of Storms and three fucking Vestiges on side.

Ep 12: I found how this one ended interesting because it’s almost a callback to how they beat Brimscythe - distract by clearly being unable to fight, then hit with whatever you’ve got left. The only reason Vox Machina defeated Umbrasyl is because most of the team got their asses kicked so hard that they bowed to what they saw as the inevitable and Scanlan used Umbrasyl’s very draconic gloating (seriously - black dragons get off on people’s pain and misery) to ... let’s think how this would work because we couldn’t see it: get close to Umbrasyl while the dragon’s distracted, climb Umbrasyl’s right front leg, undo the straps tying Mythcarver to Umbrasyl without dropping Mythcarver, take up Mythcarver so it ended up more gnome-sized, get off Umbrasyl without him noticing, climb a bit of rock debris without making enough noise to wake the dead for the sheer momentum he’d need to pull that off, and then get Umbrasyl’s attention enough so that his strike would hit the weakest point on Umbrasyl - the eye, because he had no idea if Mythcarver would cut dragon hide without a lot of weight behind it and Scanlan is a fucking gnome and thus does not have that kind of weight.

I have seen the campaign - in fact, campaign 1 is the only one I’ve seen in full. I knew they were going to come out okay up to this point. But I was still on the edge of my fucking seat on these. So anyone who’s all about “They get what they need when they need it and they never lose” ... really has not been watching this show. Vox Machina has got its collective ass kicked so many times - Brimscythe, the Briarwoods on multiple occasions, Raishan, Vorugal, half the Feywild, the Herd of Storms, Umbrasyl at least three times... They win out eventually, but honestly that makes as much sense as anything else. It’s that “It’s always in the last place you look” thing - once you’ve found it, you stop looking so it’s obviously in the ‘last’ place you look. They fight until they win or everybody’s dead. If everybody died, that is the end of the damn show. The fact that they keep repeatedly fucking up until something works is actually pretty true to life. Sometimes you need to think more; sometimes you need to think less and act on instinct. They just do the thing until something works. But that’s not instantly “getting exactly what you need when you need it”. That’s trial and error.

Honestly, the main reason everybody loves Vox Machina so much is because they remind us of ... well, ourselves. We, too, are just flailing around the place until something works. Fine, we don’t have physical dragons to deal with, but our problems feel just as big and terrifying. It’s comforting to know that if you keep at it, reaching for help wherever you can find it at a price you’re willing to pay and just never giving up, you’ll survive this.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the ones who call Vox Machina “horrible role models” and complain about the “debauchery and crude behaviour”. It’s rated minimum 15 and maximum 18 for a fucking reason. Your kids should not be watching this, and if you’re offended by a few four-letter words and some carousing? You probably shouldn’t be watching it either. You were warned. There were warnings out the ass. Just because it’s animation doesn’t mean it’s for kids, doesn’t mean it’s going to be everyone shiny and happy and wholesome at the end talking about the power of friendship or how knowing is half the battle. We left that behind in the 80s, when cartoons were half morality play, half toy commercial. Respect the art of animation ... or at least please check the parental guidance on these things. This is like giving your kids Neon Genesis Evangelion to watch because that’s animation.

It would have been nice if the bad reviews were even remotely worthwhile? But this is ... this is just “people who didn’t actually watch the show but hate it when people have nice things”. It has to be. That or people with the situational awareness of a whelk.

#tlovm season 2 #tlovm spoilers #Thess gets aerated #Thess watches Critical Role

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toa-arania · 8 months ago

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Val fucked up catastrophically

I know Val getting in way too deep isn't that unusual for her but oh boy. Oh god. Oh fuck. Jesus fucking christ. Holy shit.

This week's bullshit starts with a road trip~! Levi got a letter from some other werewolf pack, so he and his pack (a grand total of three whole werewolves) have been invited to a big-ass gathering of wolves to discuss some fuckery. Because things always go horribly awfully, they decided to bring the rest of the gang along, which they were technically allowed to do but was very clearly an awful idea, since we would be several other supernatural beings infringing on god knows how much wolf turf (wurf? wurf). We packed our things, spent a while preparing, and got ready to go and have a fun weekend out by the great lakes.

We hadn't even arrived by the time nonsense started happening. There was a hitchhiker. Then there was the same hitchhiker. Again. And again. And again. Then they started doing CSL (Clown Sign Language) at us as we drove past so Aluber, ever the idiot, jumped out of the moving car window. This was eventually how we learnt that the hitchhiker was Aluber's cousin Berula. Their names are all anagrams. We kept driving, now with Aluber and Berula hanging out in the back of the wolves' truck while Mei, Darcy and Val were together in the second car, sometimes talking, sometimes just quiet, and sometimes being forced to listen to Darcy blasting MCR now that she's in her emo phase. We eventually pulled over at a gas station after saying bye to Berula, and we encountered the super fucking suspicious guy who runs the place, who introduces himself as Gremory and gives us some additional free stuff along with whatever we got. Once we were back in the cars and continuing the journey, Darcy did a quick google and learnt that Gremory is one of the demons from the Ars Goetia. We fed all of the bonus food to Aluber, and Gremory has not come up again. I am convinced the GM just did this to fuck with us.

We arrived at our destination and checked into the motel we booked at, Levi and Aluber in one room, Darcy and Val in another, and the Wolf NPC couple in the third. Mei was technically in Darcy and Val's room but she doesn't sleep due to the whole being dead thing. Despite how thin the walls were, we curiously heard no noise from the wolf couple's room, which we all expected. What we heard instead was noise from Levi and Aluber's room, which was not them fucking but sure as shit sounded like it.

The following morning, the wolves prepared to head out to the big imposing wolf meeting, and Val planned to bug Levi so she could listen in. However, there was a Darcy-shaped spanner in the works. Because the girls had gone to sleep basically just in a blanket pile on the floor (Darcy and Val have been bonding over the weekend and we're going to make it everyone's problem) and Darcy is not at all a morning person, she grabbed onto Val's arm and would not let go (represented by Darcy's Player latching onto my arm too), so Val was unable to get up to go and bug Levi before the wolves left. Plan thwarted :(

Then all hell broke loose.

The non-wolves were just hanging out in the motel, doing a little homework and just chilling. Val was working on a spell that she planned to test out upon getting back, Darcy was struggling with her work, Mei was actually managing to do it properly, and Aluber was turning it into origami. Darcy and Aluber got the sense something was Wrong, and then we heard a knock at the door. "Housekeeping." We did not answer. Aluber teleported (oh yeah, the clown can teleport short distances) to his room, intending to look out of his door and see who was there, and appeared directly in front of A Guy. Fuck.

Aluber teleported back as "Housekeeping" broke the door in and told us to come with them. They refused to promise the fae that they wouldn't harm us, so Val took measures into her own hands and cast Binding (can't harm people) on one of the werewolves, which they were surprised to see actually work, since they're usually resistant to magic. She did not have time to do this again before one of them attacked Mei, with Darcy managing to take the hit. Aluber got ready for a brawl and Val had him drink the one vial of the supernatural stimulant she'd brought with her, and then Mei pulled a fucking glock and said she was preparing to call the police. In a truly glorious move, Darcy capitalised this to verbally accuse these people of breaking into the room of three teenage girls (since these characters are all 17). With the threat of calling the police on them for pedophilia, we somehow managed to convince them to retreat. We immediately packed our shit to get the hell out.

The first really weird thing happened when Aluber, due to the Val Drug(tm) started to grow claws and sharp teeth and a general feral physique. Val's first mistake was to try to intensify this by supplying Aluber with a little boost of her own magic, reasoning that since this was being brought on by something she made she would be able to bypass his natural fae magic (which would reject mixing with occult magic) and boost the drug directly. As far as we can tell, this did not happen. What happened was Aluber crackling with green magic and passing out for five seconds. The GM took Aluber's player out of the room to explain some things while we all freaked out, and when they came back Aluber woke up and was suddenly focused and smart and coming up with plans and it was fucking weird but we're going to put that aside for now because it's helpful. Honestly Val likes this Aluber way more than Quirky Clown Boy.

We escaped to a populated area, discovering along the way that we were being followed by four entire werewolves, and tried to come up with a plan. During our escape planning, we got a call from Levi, who had apparently been dealing with fuckery on his end too because he told us that apparently his pack had been given territory here without us knowing, and that he'd only barely managed to negotiate our safe passage there. We went as fast as we fucking could to this little patch of forest and set up camp. Eventually we were joined by the NPC wolves, who told us that Levi was going to be a bit longer because he almost accidentally became the wolf king.

Apparently what happened is something intrinsic to werewolves. There are certain tiers, with a select few being at the top. They aren't called Alphas, but we've been calling them that because A/B/O has been one of our favourite ways to tease Levi. His fight instinct set off in the middle of the wolf conclave and he accidentally challenged the leader to a duel and would have won if he hadn't come to his senses and stepped down. Also someone stole his shirt so he was in fact shirtless when he finally came to join us at camp, which Val took a particular enjoyment in (she is down bad). He told us about the fight, and Val asked to go in his head to see what the werewolf empress looks like (hot. so incredibly hot. oh my god y'all. she could kick me in the stomach and i would thank her) and it is a testament to the weirdly good amount of trust she and Levi have that he let her.

Val then proceeded to do something that backfired catastrophically.

A little while back, Val found out that Levi made an Unbreakable Vow to never harm a specific selection of people, and has been trying to work out a way to get around that because she doesn't want Levi to fucking die if he messes up. Since she's already aware that certain magical effects manifest physically in his mind, she went looking for the vow, and found that distinctive pink chain wrapped around a big red button. She got closer, examining the chain, and to try to learn more about it, she touched it.

Val was ripped out of Levi's mind and into the fae realm, where the Fae King (Buncle himself) chided her and told her she would never learn her lesson on her own, then conjured a chain around each of her ankles and wrists before putting her back into her own body. After recovering from the confusion, she attempted to cast a spell. The magic flowed into her hand... and dissipated.

Val's magic has been sealed by the Fae King.

#oc: valerie wester #val stories #monsterhearts #yall im fucking reeling #val is about to have a full fucking spiral #i have one week to figure out how the hell to play val in the absolute fucking disastrous mental state this is going to put her in

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gods-sugar-daddy · 2 years ago

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Characters I want to rattle like an angry maraca for an undiscerned amount of time based on how chewy they are, part 2

Sentient bounce balls

Commander Fox

Commander Fox is like, shotguns 16 cups of coffee for breakfast and his Monster Red Bull concoction the rest of the day. No one's ever seen him refill it. He has a venti cup he accidentally stole from 78's and is too ashamed to return it. He is simultaneously 12 and 85. He deserves a little therapeutic manslaughter. He forlornly tells people he is the manager then continues getting yelled at by both civilian and senator alike. He wishes he could enact Order 65, murder the Chancellor. He wears glitter nail polish under his gloves. He has 4 big brothers who will kick your ass. He'll kick your ass then turn around and sleep

Dean Winchester

He's my babygirl baby. A poor little meow meow. He tries so hard to be an alpha male but he just comes off as Rail Me with a side of Daddy Issues. He and Gabriel kin each other despite being told he's michael. He's a father of yes amount of kids. He insists on no chick flick moments despite being on Heaven's longest running soap opera. He's a monster fucker. He's dating Luci's little brother. He's a disaster bi. He's a father figure to Luci's kid. Simultaneously the best and worst babysitter in the world. Might kill you on accident. Might kill you on purpose.

That really tangy part of shirt labels

Ratchet

He is the Autobots hottest dilf 6 million years in a row. Optimus Prime calls him Sir. He will do medical malpractice if it means saving a life. What are they gonna do take his license?? He's the only bitch in the whole system that's keeping the army running. His exes are psychopaths. He speedran friends to enemies to lovers over the span of one civil war. He claims he's 8 billion years old. His hands are permanently stained gray from all the dye he's used to keep up the ruse. He can't remember his original hair color. He's 32.

Anakin

The walking, talking Cringe Fail compilation. Takes the phrase "kill what you love" literally. All the years he spent training Ahsoka was gathering dad points he never got to redeem. He never learned to properly regulate his emotions. Everyone goes to him if they want to defraud the Jedi Council. Yoda includes him in escape hijinks. He's a chaos demon. He should've been a creche teacher. He's the "just wait until my father hears about this" except worse bc his father is God and you will get smited.

Tigress

She's the prodigal daughter trying to live up to her dad's high standards. She hates your guts until you help her pass the math quiz then she ropes you in to her plan to instigate the Starbucks/Dutch Bros war. She is ride or die. Her big brother is a mass murderer. She's an orphan. She's a girlboss queen who takes no shit.

235$ chocolate protein shake

Ahsoka

I want them to do more with her. I want her to drop her backstory on side show characters and just dip. She's a healthy edgelord compared to Anakin's actual god complex. Make her a goth. Underutilized and overpowered at the same time. Filled with bad ideas bc her upbringing around Anakin and the 501st. A major accomplice to defrauding the Jedi.

Vos

He's the idw slender man. He's a cryptid. He's a murderous murderer in a group of murderers. He's dating Kaon. His previous namesake got turned into a feral turbohound. He doesn't have time to learn your language. He's a sniper rifle. Megatron held him once and Tarn has never been more upset.

#chewy boys

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theghostus · 2 years ago

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40th day of 2023; how ironic.

"The feeling that I want to unalive myself today. Now, do I qualify for your time Mr/Miss/Mdm Psychiatrist?"

Do you feel unaliving myself? That's the first question they ask. I actually hesitated for a split second, and due to the need for self-preservation and habit, I lied. So you don't need help fuck off. Don't waste my time. You don't need me. You need a friend, so fuck off.

Yup, that's what my therapist or one-time only said.

So life taught me I don't need anyone else help. Just do it myself. However, not everything can be solved with a friend. They have their own demons to fight. Also, I don't want to give my 2 only friends a panic attack by proclaiming that out of the blue.

Truth is, I felt that ever since I came into this world. Ever since I waited long enough to start to walk, I had to work harder than a normal person. Because sometimes I don't feel I'm normal. I mean, what is normal to me, might not be normal to you. Some people say I'm too straightforward. Some might say I'm too blunt. Either way, I can't please anyone just know how to read the room. Fuck I've been reading the damn room for so long; it's just damn tiring. Although, at times, it's necessary. I get it. Yet, I get the feeling sometimes. It went away for almost over 10 years; however, ever since 2019, it has started to creep up again.

2022 had been a crazy year of trying to find myself, ending my losing the battle against reality. A total of 4 jobs, except for 1 job, lasted me only a week. So technically, it's 5 jobs. That sucks, by the way. I felt I was going crazy. The first one was crazy, like people can't just leave me alone. Here I'm trying to learn, and these fuckers won't leave me alone. Like none of them gives me any fucking respect. In the next one, everyone puts the boss on a pedestal. I mean, if you did something significant, he knowledges but god forbid if anyone pointed out his shit. Yes, I also did my fair share of stupidity over the 6 months. I must give them credit for covering my ass for that. The last straw was when I had to be the messenger of bad news. I was trying to understand how they count their shit, but the big boss decided to change the MF calculation 2 months b4 oath-taking. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? Then he told the snr mgr to tell us the NEW way and inform the candidates; one of them, I had painstakingly handheld to make sure she understood and to tell her the revised way of calculating. I was livid is an understatement. Nope. I'm not going to take that BS way of making your staff listen to you and your staff to get abused by the candidates. The big boss did not care for his staff's well-being. I can't understand why my snr mgr could withstand his abusive ways for over 10 years. For the 3rd one, I was alone in the 2nd mth of the job. It was painful. My accounts were so far behind when the accounts asked me for it I was confused as I wasn't taught that. TL was an amazing pinoy. couldn't ask for a better team leader; they don't deserve her. But I felt so alone, and the tasks were piling up, and I was trying so hard to catch up. There were so many acrobatic moves to understand. It wasn't bad environmentally, but I don't see myself forever there. My last job broke my record of 1 week can be summed up with 1 word. Bitch/s. I guess I don't have the stamina to stand for uncultured swine. Work, work, work.

Now we come to the latest episode, Will I unalive myself today? I went for a job preview yesterday at a parks board. Their office is smack in the middle of it. No kosher food within 20m of the building. there are only 2 timings of free buses. oh, and no air-con in the storage room where they kept the boxes and boxes of paper files. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Even a library full of old books has air-con. Fine. Today I went to another informal/chit-chat session with the snr officers transport office. I admit I like the sense of power having to issue summons. Exciting. However, I felt like I shot myself in the foot again, and the environment would be exactly like the hospital, but I hoped it would be something like the clinic.

Overall I may lose both of them. I don't mind losing the park one, but...I can't cope with the transport one. Hence the episode, will I unalive myself today?

All I want is to be happy.

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 2 years ago

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Batman movie villains ranked by how likely it is that I could defeat them in 1v1 combat

Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer, 1992)

are you kidding me? I don't stand a fucking chance. she could kill me regardless, but with this Catwoman I'd let her do it and probably thank her. mommy? sorry. mommy? sorry. mommy?

Bane (Tom Hardy, 2012)

lmao no???? not a chance in hell. if he snaps Batman like a twig then he can definitely just tear my entire body in half. there's no coming back from that one, kids!

Ra's al Ghul (Liam Neeson, 2005)

I mean let's be real, even this pasty ass Ra's is the fucking Demon's Head. this bitch could probably kill me by accident whilst sneezing. I'm not winning that one. the only way I'd be more doomed would be if he was played by Michelle Pfeiffer in a leather catsuit (she has the range!!!!!).

Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger, 1997)

so he's either in his like 400 pound ice suit, in which case I will not be able to land a single meaningful blow on him, or he's out of his suit, in which case he's flopping around on the floor dying and I can't fight him ethically. so this is a lose-lose for me, worsened by the fact that I think he's a hoot and I don't like the idea of doing violence to him because his life already sucks so bad.

The Penguin (Denny Devito, 1992)

okay, look: realistically, if I rushed him from the right angle I could probably just topple this Penguin right over and then beat his ass. but oh god, am I afraid to get too close to him. he's a canon biter and I honestly suspect that's just the start of it. this guy has definitely eaten people on purpose, right? absolutely not. not risking it. if he has beef I'm running the other way as fast as I can.

The Joker (Jack Nicholson, 1989)

some pedant is probably going to point out that this Joker's final confrontation features him sniveling and begging for mercy like a little shit idiot baby when Batman finally catches up to him, but here's the thing: Batman is a fucking armored tank who's just gone through all of the Joker's goons like a hot knife through butter, so he's got pretty good reasons to be scared! I am not a giant man with body armor, I'm a little guy. and this freak spent years killing people for the mob before he ever got Jokerized, so yes, I actually am kind of wary about this one. if you told me he'd beaten someone to death with his bare lil hands I would believe you.

The Riddler (Jim Carrey, 1995)

straight up NO dude, this little freak runs almost exclusively on pent up nerd rage and his all-consuming horniness for Bruce Wayne and I do NOT wanna get in the middle of that! he also operates on cartoon physics by virtue of being Jim Carrey and I don't have anything to counter that with.

The Riddler (Frank Gorshin, 1966)

I've talked at length about the absolute lunacy that Gorshin was perpetually bringing as the Riddler, and while the performance generally makes my brain feel like it's going through a car wash it does make me nervous to fight him. sure, he appears to weigh all of 100 pounds soaking wet, but this bitch seems crafty and like he probably bites, and also like he's been snorting a lot of cocaine whenever he's offscreen. I'm nervous.

Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman, 1997)

okay, listen: Poison Ivy serves a delirious amount of cunt in Batman & Robin, but she also doesn't really like... do anything? her modus operandi is pretty much blowing her horny pollen on everyone to get them all hot and bothered and then having Bane do all the heavy lifting. but Bruce demonstrates within the film that it's possible to be horny for Poison Ivy but also keep your shit together and continue fighting her regardless, and as an actual hand to hand combatant she's not much to write home about - she lasts maybe a minute against Batgirl before she gets kicked into her own plant monster. what I'm saying is that even in a horny, addled state, I think I could land a good cunt punt and win that fight.

Catwoman (Lee Meriwether, 1966)

she's hardly the most intimidating Catwoman on the list (I would argue that she's not even the most intimidating of the three iterations of the character who crop up across the 1960s continuity), but this Catwoman fights dirty. what she lacks in physical prowess (because it was the 60s, and showing a woman actually scrapping would be Bad) she makes up for by being smart enough to completely bamboozle Batman and steal his heart with nothing but a questionable Russian accent and some eyeshadow. like I said with Poison Ivy, I can't guarantee that I'd be immune to having my heart similarly stolen but I'm definitely down to try - and she doesn't even have horny pollen on her side.

Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy, 2005)

at risk of undermining feminism oh my god you guys he's sooooo pretty and I don't want to mess up his little face. come on, he's wearing glasses! you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? I'm just gonna kick his shin and then sit on him, that's the entire fight.

Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones, 1992, and Aaron Eckhart, 2008)

hey bro straight up. Harvey Dent is just a lawyer. he's just a fucking lawyer with a fucked up face (which I am, frankly, not above targeting) and a little coin that he flips to make all his decisions. if you can nab the coin to confuse him you're probably good, honestly. either way, I'm not scared of some fucking law school loser. let's wrastle.

The Joker (Cesar Romero, 1966)

more than any other live action Joker to date, Romero's playing him as Just Some Guy. it's notable that when the Fab Four team up to form the United Underworld in the '66 movie the Joker actually seems, like, pretty laidback and reasonable next to Frank Gorshin's Riddler, who (as noted above) is providing arguably way more manic energy than the group even really needs. all of which is to say that I could definitely take him, but I'd actually feel a little bad about it. he's just some fucking clown.

The Joker (Heath Ledger, 2008)

first off I want to be totally clear and say that I really like Ledger's performance and I think it's a standout in a pretty mid movie that really elevated The Dark Knight's profile way higher than it deserved, but oh my GOD I would tear this Joker asunder and I would do it joyfully because I'm a hater and I am sooooo tired of his #impact on nerd culture. he's no match for a five foot nothing bitch full of rage.

The Penguin (Meredith Burgess, 1966)

oh my god, are you kidding me? this Penguin is smoking CONSTANTLY because he's from the 60s when you could just do that on television. all I have to do is dance around him until his lungs give out and he has a coughing fit, and then it's all over for birdboy. and that's why you don't smoke, kids.

The Riddler (Paul Dano, 2022)

oh boy fuckin howdy, if spite will see me through a fight with Heath Ledger's Joker, a performance I actually liked, it's going to elevate me to another plane of existence for this damp sock of a man. I would tear through this Riddler like wet tissue paper and I wouldn't feel any remorse about it. I'd sleep like a fucking baby. god I hate this pathetic string bean. "Makenzie he's like a foot taller than you" bitch I can jump!!!! tell a real riddle and learn how to dress, you miserable bitch.

six notes and I'll make a ranked list of Batman movie villains and how well I would do on a fight against them

#gotham rogues

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theteasetwrites · 3 years ago

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Ink

❧ Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Female Reader ❧ Era: Season 9/10 interim (The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning series) ❧ Pronouns: she/her ❧ Warnings: none! ❧ Word Count: 3.2k

❧ Summary: Daryl hasn't been acting quite like himself recently. Perhaps it's a mid-life crisis, and perhaps he's got an itch to get some new ink.

❧ A/N: The story of how Daryl got his rabbit tattoo in The Beginning series! Once again, this is a oneshot that takes place in the canon of my Daryl x Reader series, The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning, so I recommend reading that too (if you want, it's really long so no pressure—you can still read this by itself and understand what's going on). Also, this does differ a bit from the canon of the actual show because I am pretty sure we don't see Daryl with his rabbit tattoo until late season 10, but I couldn't figure out a way to justify why Daryl got himself a tattoo literally in the middle of the battle with the Whisperers (lol, thanks for ruining the continuity of the show Norman) so I had him get the tattoo in the period between season 9 and season 10 when they aren't quite yet in the war with the Whisperers. Hope that makes sense! Enjoy.

Daryl had told you each and every story behind each and every tattoo adorning his body. When you met him, he’d had about six. They weren’t particularly big or flashy. Most of the time they were covered by his clothes, but you had the distinct privilege of knowing each one intimately, of tracing the lines of faded black ink embedded in his tanned, worn skin.

The image of two demons taking flight on his back was your favorite. He apparently barely remembered getting it, as he was plastered drunk when he stumbled into some grungy, dimly-lit tattoo parlor in Atlanta when he was only twenty-five years old.

“Did it hurt?” you had once asked him, in all your innocence. It must’ve been years ago, certainly before Robin was born.

“Nah,” he had said, though you didn’t believe him. How couldn’t it hurt? A sharp, tiny needle threading ink into your skin’s dermis for hours on end? Surely, it would’ve been torturous. “Only stings a little, then you get used to it till it’s over.”

“God, I could never,” you replied. “I would be crying.”

He had looked at you with that mischievous raised eyebrow, the kind of look he rarely gave anyone else. Everyone else usually either got a look of ambivalence, or a look of disdain—there was no in between.

“You’d look good with one on your back,” he said, eliciting a scoff from you. “One right above your ass.”

“Excuse me?” you laughed. “You mean a tramp stamp?”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, a crooked smile tearing beautifully into his face. “You said it, not me.”

Now that Daryl was spending more time at home, as winter still had a faint, but potent, grasp on the outside world, allowing a slow and steady transition into spring, you’d found him often looking at the bare skin of his right forearm, as if longing for something other than the olive-toned, work-worn flesh of a forty-seven-year-old man.

It wasn’t lost on you, either, that Daryl had begun experiencing what you liked to call his mid-life crisis, though he just liked to think he was more worried than usual—worried about the Whisperers, about the food situation, about fortifying Alexandria in case Alpha and her herd just decided to storm the gates on a whim.

Just earlier that morning you had watched him rise from his slumber, sitting on the edge of the bed and lazily tracing his left index finger over that same spot on his right forearm, where you now wondered if he was planning something.

Despite the fact that the world as he and you had known it was gone, Daryl still clung to one part of his life from before that he just couldn’t shake: those little tattoos.

He’d nearly perfected the art of stick-and-poke, having inked on the back of his right hand the doodle of a cartoon skull he’d once drawn on a yellow lined legal pad just about a year before Robin was born. You remembered watching in abject horror for the first few minutes he was jabbing himself with that little ink-drenched needle, how you couldn’t believe he had not even winced at the feeling.

Ink fever hadn’t forsaken him after that, it had only stoked a fire. He tattooed a few little X’s between his knuckles, and even one near his collarbone. He filled his pores with black ink just under his right wrist with a stylized “50,” as if a reminder of almost how long he’d been walking around on this God-forsaken rock we call Earth.

You didn’t mind these little etchings, so long as Daryl didn’t hurt himself in his midlife crisis-induced tattoo spree, and so far, he hadn’t. You figured it was a good way for him to express himself, and you could appreciate the artistic ability that went into those quirky little doodles he gave himself on occasion. Still, that blank space on his forearm worried you.

The other tattoos he’d done on a whim, without much thought and with a whole lot of that famous Dixon impulse that could either get him killed or keep him alive. Either way, he was impulsive at times, reckless, even, but this time, that wasn’t what worried you: it was the way he pondered that untouched piece of skin, the way he had been studying the space for months now.

It worried you because you couldn’t figure out what he was planning, and you knew from that look, that slight quirk of his lips, that deep furrow in his brow, that he was planning something, and when it came to tattoos, he had always been so spontaneous, so whatever it was, it had consumed him.

While five-year-old Robin busied herself by stomping around in a rain puddle, you pruned the dead buds off the rose bush in front of your home. All the while you were sure to cut the most beautiful specimens for your vase on the dining room table. It was a typical mid-March morning, giving way to afternoon as the sun routinely made an appearance whenever the fluffy grey rain clouds decided to let it shine before engulfing it once again.

Daryl had left early that morning. To where, you weren’t entirely sure. It wasn’t like him not to leave a note, but he hadn’t been completely acting like himself lately, mostly due to the stress of the lingering threat of the Whisperers, so you figured you’d cut him some slack just this once, though you were worried, as usual.

“It’s sprinkling!” cried Robin, who, when you turned to look at her, was facing the sky and hanging her tongue out to catch the tiny raindrops.

Lightweight beads of water soon turned into globs that pelted the ground, and though Robin was dressed head-to-toe in her matching yellow raincoat, hat, and boots ensemble, you couldn’t help but cry out to her with motherly concern.

“Come on,” you said, making your way up the steps of the porch. “Inside before you catch a cold.”

“But Mommy—”

“No ‘but Mommy’s’,” you said sternly, holding your hand out to her. Surely, you weren’t always the pushover, lenient parent. That was usually Daryl, and even he was terrified of your precious child catching a cold in this weather. “Come on.”

She splashed through a few more puddles on her way to the porch, then reluctantly took your hand as you guided her short legs up the stairs. “Wait,” she said. “Where’s Dog?”

You both looked around, suddenly aware of the lack of the loyal family canine’s presence. “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere,” you said. “He’ll come in the doggy door, chipmunk. Let’s get inside.”

Dog made himself known when his bark rang out amongst the harsh pitter patter of rain. Looking up from Robin’s hand in yours, you saw the black and brown animal bolting towards the house, and Daryl not too far behind, struggling to keep up with him.

“Hi, Daddy!” squeaked Robin eagerly.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he panted.

Under the porch, both Dog and Daryl shook out their shaggy, drenched hair in a strange kind of unison, stray explosions of water splashing you and Robin as you laughed.

“You’re soaking,” you said, watching him trudge into the house, stumbling around as he took off his muddy boots all the while.

“‘M fine,” he huffed.

“Mhm,” you mumbled sarcastically, closing the front door behind yourself, Robin, and Dog, whose fur was also soaking wet. You quickly retrieved a towel from the closet beneath the stairs, and rushed over to throw it over his head.

“Goddamnit, woman.”

“Stop fussing,” you said. “I’m not having you ruin the wood floor.”

Robin followed suit, running with a spring in her step to the closet and pulling out another towel to dry off Dog. “I got Dog, Mommy,” she called out, and you giggled to yourself at her sense of responsibility, which she surely inherited from you.

After massaging your hands over the towel on his head, sufficiently drying his hair, you lifted the fabric to reveal Daryl’s scrunched up face. At least it was clean, you supposed, not covered in dirt as it often was.

“There,” you said, tucking chunks of his damp bangs behind his ears. “Now change your clothes. I’ll hang them up to dry.”

He scoffed as he headed up the stairs, though he couldn’t deny the sense of order you provided him in his life, even if you were a little bossy at times. He knew it was for his own good. “Yes, ma’am.”

For the remaining few hours of that rainy morning, Robin had decided to spend her time inside with Lydia, who had reluctantly agreed to play Barbies with her. You checked on them in her room just before crossing over to your own bedroom, where you found Daryl’s back facing the door, his shirt removed and his head hanging low as he seemed to be examining something.

You raised an eyebrow, since he hardly seemed to even notice your presence before you cleared your throat. It wasn’t like him at all to be so unobservant, so you were sure he was hiding something from you.

He looked your way before bending over to pick up his clean button-up shirt from the bed, his back still facing you. When he spoke, there was a quiver in his voice, though he tried to hide it with that deep, guttural grunting of his. “I, uh… Ahem, I jus’ left the wet clothes in the bathroom.”

You tilted your head, as if to get a look at whatever he kept looking at. “Everything all right?”

“Mhm,” he grunted with a nod of his head. “Jus’ fine.” He hurriedly began to put on his shirt, though he struggled with the sleeves as he tried to unbutton them in an attempt to let the fabric conceal his forearm. “Damnit.”

You laughed and shook your head as he fumbled with the tiny button between his thick, bulky fingers. “Let me help, honey.”

“N-no,” he said, stepping away from you. “I got it.”

You huffed in slight annoyance now. He always let you help him with his shirts, and suddenly he wasn’t? Something must’ve been really wrong. “What has gotten into you?”

He peeked his face over his shoulder to glance your way, a strange look of guilt in his eyes. He hated keeping things from you, even such comparatively little things like this. “‘M sorry,” he said, all the grit in his voice turning to mush underneath your gentle gaze. Indeed, you, too, couldn’t help but melt when he looked at you that way, when his voice broke and he let you see his more vulnerable side. He was always more like a rose than a thorn, you thought, even if others saw him differently.

“Don’t be sorry,” you sighed, stepping closer until you could rest your hand upon his shoulder. “Just talk to me, hon. I feel like you’ve been so… lost in your head lately. Is there something on your mind?”

For your part, you always had this lingering insecurity, this feeling that Daryl would leave you for another woman, or that he was already seeing someone else, but in the depths of your soul, where he’d planted that undying seed of loyalty in the fertile soil of your heart, you knew he’d never do such a thing. It wasn’t in his nature—he was too loyal to his loved ones, his family. Still, there was something on his mind. That much you knew.

He huffed and turned slowly to face you, his shirt hanging loosely unbuttoned over his torso. “Guess I can’t hide it from you for long,” he said. “Wanted to wait till it healed to show ya, but…”

He held out his right arm, revealing a large strip of sheer plastic wrap, covering his raw, reddened skin, and a new tattoo: a rabbit in mid hop, clear as day.

Your eyes widened, feeling somewhere between surprised and not surprised at all. While you had suspected he’d been thinking about another tattoo, you had no idea it would look like this. It was different from anything else he had given himself. In fact, you were sure he couldn’t have done this one himself, since it was much too detailed to have been a stick-and-poke, and much too neat to have been done with his non-dominant left hand.

You found yourself entranced by the intricate shading, the attention to detail that made the rabbit so realistic, so lifelike. The style was unique, too, with a pattern of overlapping circles making up the lower half of the rabbit’s body, and one circle drawn around the creature’s head, almost akin to a halo. You became so fascinated by it that you took his hand in yours and stepped closer to study it.

“You mad?”

His words awoke you from your trance. “Um, no,” you said. “N-no, I’m just confused. How did you get this done?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Syd used to be a tattoo artist,” he said. “Been talkin’ about doin’ somethin’ there for a while. He finally got this tattoo gun workin’, wanted to try it out on me… Sorry, I shoulda told ya.”

You smiled and shook your head. “It’s fine,” you said. “He did a good job. It’s beautiful. I love these little details with the circles. But… Why a rabbit?”

He lowered his head bashfully, hoping to hide the slight blush on his cheeks as he thought about what the tattoo meant to him, about why he refused to tell Syd the meaning behind it, even if it was quite simple. It was still special to him, more special than anything else he had permanently painted on his body.

“Well, uh… Ya know, ‘cause… ‘Cause you and Robin like rabbits.”

You beamed at him, though he couldn’t see your smile as he still hung his head, looking at his new tattoo and studying it himself as he rambled on. “So I guess it’s like a, uh, I—I dunno. It’s sorta… for you and her. And neither of you ever eat my rabbits I bring home, and Robin’s got ‘er little white bunny she likes to sleep with. And you’re always talkin’ about that rabbit you used to have, how much you loved it. So it’s for you and Robin.”

If anyone could make you break out into a deliriously happy cry, it was Daryl. He could never quite wrap his head around the concept, but you had the art of the happy cry down to an exact science by now, and of course, this was the perfect occasion to break down in euphoric tears.

No one had ever dedicated something so beautiful to you, no one had ever injected ink into their skin to immortalize you for as long as his heart pumped blood to that arm to keep the flesh alive, no one had ever shown how much they loved you with such a grand gesture.

“Oh, Daryl,” you laughed through your tears. His head lifted when he heard the shaking in your voice, and he immediately thumbed at your tears as they began to fall. He might’ve been immune to the pain of a needle embedding ink into his skin, but he certainly wasn’t strong enough to see you cry, no matter how happy you were. “You dedicated a tattoo to me?”

“Well, yeah,” he answered, as if it was obvious he would do such a thing. “You and Robin, you’re everything to me… My girls. I’d do anything for you. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” you cried, gently wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him close to you. He carefully wrapped his left arm around your back, keeping his right arm outstretched so as not to disturb the sensitive, newly-tattooed flesh. You felt his lips on your neck, leaving a sweet kiss there. “And I love your tattoo. It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

You pressed a firm kiss to his lips before pulling away to look at his arm once more, the redness and swelling slightly worrying you, even though you knew it was only normal. “Does it hurt?” you asked. “Do you need anything, sweetheart? Some aspirin or something? Or, um… ice? I still don’t know how tattoos work.”

He shook his head in amusement. “Nah, jus’ some Vaseline will be fine. I can put it on myself.” You tilted your head at that, narrowing your eyes at him as if to protest such a thing. “Or you can do it.”

That made the smile return to your face. “Good. Let me take care of you.”

Indeed, you did take care of him. Probably more than he needed, but the rain continued on for the rest of the day, shutting you all inside without much else to do but dote on Daryl, whose new tattoo quickly became the talk of the Dixon household. Robin begged once again for a real rabbit, despite Daryl’s insistence that his tattoo was about as close as your family would get to having a pet bunny, and Lydia asked a myriad of questions about the experience of being tattooed. Even Dog seemed to notice the change, sniffing Daryl’s forearm much more than he usually did.

When it was time for bed, you took a glob of Vaseline and rubbed it gently into his skin above the new ink, much to his amusement as he watched you nurse him.

“What?” you asked, feeling his gaze on.

“Nothin’,” he chuckled under his breath. “You’re jus’ real cute when you take care of me.”

“Well, I must always be cute then, since I’m always taking care of you, mister.” You turned to place the tub of Vaseline on the bedside table, and dimmed the lantern before tucking yourself into bed next to him.

“Mm, you are always cute.” He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, tugging your body closer until you rested your head upon his chest, as was routine now. Nearly ten years of falling asleep to the steady beat of his heart, and it still never got old. You knew it never would. “Be cute with a tattoo above your ass, too. I’d take care of it for ya.”

You rolled your eyes and raised your hand to flick his nose, your way of playfully punishing his slightly lewd comment. “Oh, and Syd would do my tramp stamp, I’m assuming?”

A sudden wave of realization washed over him, and he instinctively clutched you tighter as his muscles strained at the thought of his neighbor getting his hands on your lower back. “Nah,” he said. “I’ll do it.”

“Oh, really?” you laughed. “And what exactly should I get on my lower back? Maybe a butterfly? Or a flower? Hm, maybe I’ll just get your name, huh? Daryl just above my butt in pretty cursive font.”

He smiled to himself, eyes closed as he sunk further into his pillow. “Sounds good to me. Or maybe you could get my name right here.” He traced his finger over the slope of your breast on the outside of your pajamas.

You huffed and swatted his hand away. Playfully, of course. “Don’t push it.”

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