#like acting as if everyones a monolith is stupid to begin with

[jessiesjaded]

there's always a fair point to be made about people becoming fans of something from a country or culture they don't belong to and then being entitled and not understanding different little cultural contexts and it's always good to think about that and keep that in mind when you're in that position and yeah! You should try to learn and listen when you're the fish out of water! but it will never stop being bizarre to me when i see people just totally towing the line on bizarre shitty ideals because supposedly that's just whats normal in X place, okay? like yes I do enjoy a lot of Asian dramas, no I don't think it's okay to act like an actor having a drug problem or even just. yk. smoking weed for fun is a disgusting and heinous person? I don't think they should have their careers wrecked? Yes, a lot of countries have deeply entrenched colourism but that doesn't mean I'll shrug off a pop star saying dark skin is ugly or wrong because I fuckin well care about all the people who have dark skin hearing that bullshit? like yeah cultural ideals exist but sometimes they're WRONG. and BAD.

[brooklynblerd]

So You Want To Be An Ally

Over the last 2 weeks, I have been fielding many white-guilt questions at work and having very interesting conversations and Zoom calls. Overall, they have been well received, but I am not sure if anything will happen once this is no longer a hot topic. I hope we keep up the momentum, but the media and Politicians and other power holders will try to silence us as quickly as possible. All of the companies realizing that #BlackLivesMatter will inevitably fade away as well. WE HAVE TO KEEP THE PRESSURE ON. So I made a list of talking points for the company that I work for, I hope they put it to use. I will begin sending this to anyone that reaches out to me to “talk” or “to see if I am ok”. While I appreciate the concern (if it’s genuine), I cannot continue being your only Black friend or the only Black person that you feel comfortable speaking to. 

I saw this on Twitter recently, White privilege doesn't mean that your life hasn't been hard, it just means that the color of your skin isn't one of the things that makes it harder. I think this pretty much sums up what white people need to understand, what those people calling themselves our allies need to understand. Having Black pride & saying Black Lives Matter should not offend anyone. It does not mean that we are anti white people.

Black people are not a monolith. While we have all experienced racism in some form or another, we do not share the exact same experiences with it. To try and get an overall view of the different types of racism, you need to speak to many different Black people. Stop treating us as a collective, we are all individuals.  Racism has permeated every single institution in this country. Education, Housing, Banking, Healthcare, Criminal Justice, Entertainment, etc. Racism is very much systemic, not always overt. There are also many different microaggressions that do not present as overt racism. Also, if we are going to have these discussions, please make sure that we feel safe, that we will be heard without reprimand or cynicism or disbelief. Our silence is the reason why this has gone on for so long. We want to be heard. We are no longer willing to stay invisible. Fear makes many of us stay silent, not willing to upset the status quo.

Revamp your hiring strategy/quota. People and organizations tend to conflate diversity and inclusivity. They are NOT the same. While there are many women, LGBTQIA members, Black and other People of Color, the Executives, Sales Management, and HR do not reflect this.

Conversations about race and other social justice issues are uncomfortable. Having these conversations without any Black and People of color present is pointless. Make sure you have Black people and other People of Color in any discussions you have regarding race relations and any other social justice issues. Empathy and sympathy is great, but it will not replace an actual experience.

Understand that the current state of the world has been a long time coming. George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel's back. The only difference is that everyone has a camera now and the police aren't doing themselves any favors by brutalizing everyone who is protesting police brutality.

Acknowledge your privilege. Acknowledge that the system is built to benefit you more than it does us and that it always has.

Saying "I'm not racist" isn't enough anymore. You have to be anti-racist. You have to stop the jokes, stereotypes, etc amongst your circle of friends and family members. This will be hard. But Black and Brown lives have to matter more than offending anyone that is unwilling to change.

Racism is not up to Black people and other People of Color to solve. This wasn't created or instituted by us and as we remain the "minority" in positions of power, we are unable to change it. We only have the ability to fight it, to rise up and demand change. To show that we will no longer take it. We will no longer be silent. We were all taught to be quiet and hold our feelings in to make sure that white people are comfortable. To make sure that we don’t appear threatening or angry. That is changing. Things will not go back to the way that they were. 

Books to read in your journey of becoming an ally:

How To Be An Antiracist - Ibram X. Kensi

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism - Robin Diangelo

So You Want To Talk About Race - Ijeoma Oluo

Me and white Supremacy - Layla F. Saad

The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration In The Age of Colorblindness - Michelle Alexander

Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America - Ibram X. Kendi

Between the World and Me - Ta-Nehisi Coates 

Notes of A Native Son - James Baldwin 

Born A Crime - Trevor Noah

Eloquent Rage: A Black Feminist Discovers Her Superpower - Brittany Cooper

Reproductive Injustice: Racism, Pregnancy, and Premature Birth - Dana-Ain Davis

Racism without Racists: Colorblind Racism and the Persistence of Racial Inequality in the United States - Edwardo Bonilla-Silva

Towards the Other America: Anti-Racist Resources for White People Taking Action for Black Lives Matter - Chris Crass

Two Faced Racism: Whites in the Backstage and Frontstage - Leslie Picca and Joe Feagin

How To Be Less Stupid About Race: On Racism, White Supremacy and the Racial Divide - Crystal Fleming

The Ethnic Project: Transforming Racial Fiction into Ethnic Factions - Vilna Bashi Treitler

Race and Racisms: A Critical Approach - Tanya Golash Boza

Racist America: Roots, Current Realities, and Future Reparations - Joe Feagin

White Rage; the Unspoken Truth of Our Racial Divide - Carol Anderson

Black Americans - Alphonso Pinkney

Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to Present - Harriet Washington

The Hollywood Jim Crow: The Racial Politics of the Movie Industry- Maryann Erigha

Code of the Street - Elijah Anderson

The Wretched of the Earth - Frantz Fanon

The Mis-Education of the Negro - Carter Woodson

UNESCO General History of Africa, Vol.1 - Joseph Zerbo

UNESCO General History of Africa, Vol. 2 - G. Mokhtar

Black Wealth/White Wealth - Melvin Oliver and Thomas Shapiro

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations About Race - Beverly Daniel Tatum

Uprooting Racism: How White People Can Work for Racial Justice - Paul Kivel

Witnessing Whiteness - Shelly Tochluk

Race Talk and the Conspiracy of Silence: Understanding and Facilitating Difficult Dialogues on Race - Derald Wing Sue

The Emperor Has No Clothes: Teaching about Race and Racism to People Who Don't Want to Know - Tema Jon Okun

Understanding White Privilege: Creating Pathways to Authentic Relationships Across Race - Frances Kendall

The Possessive Investment in Whiteness: How White People Profit from Identity Politics - George Lipsitz

Waking Up White, and Finding Myself in the Story of Race - Debby Irving

How I Shed My Skin: Unlearning the Racist Lessons of a Southern Childhood - Jim Grimsley

Everyday White People Confront Racial and Social Injustice: 15 Stories - editors = Eddie Moore, Marguerite W. Penick-Parks & Ali Michael

Understanding and Dismantling Racism: The Twenty-First Century Challenge to White America - Joseph Barndt

Beyond the Pale: White Women, Racism, and History - Vron Ware

Charleston Syllabus: Readings on Race, Racism, and Racial Violence - editors = Chad Williams, Kidada E. Williams & Keisha N. Blain

We Have Not Been Moved: Resisting Racism and Militarism in 21st Century America - editors = Elizabeth Betita Martinez, Matt Meyer & Mandy Carter. Forward by Cornel West. Afterword by Alice Walker & Sonia Sanchez

killing rage: Ending Racism - bell hooks

Acting White? Rethinking Race in Post-Racial America - Devon W. Carbado and Mitu Gulati

Towards Collective Liberation: Anti-Racist Organizing, Feminist Praxis, and Movement Building Strategy - Chris Crass

White Like Me: Reflections on Race form A Privileged Son - Tim Wise

White Trash: Race and Class in America - editors = Annalee Newitz & Matt Wray

Rise of the Warrior Cop: The Militarization of America's Police Forces - Radley Balko

Race Traitor - editors = Noel Ignatiev & John Garvey

Feeling White: Whiteness, Emotionality, and Education (Cultural Pluralism #2) - Cheryl E. Matias

Disrupting White Supremacy

Hillbilly Nationalists, Urban Race Rebels, and Black Power: Community Organizing in Radical Times - AmySonnie, James Tracy

For White Folks Who Teach in The Hood...and the Rest of Y'all Too: Reality Pedagogy and Urban Education (Race, Education, and Democracy) - Christopher Emdin

Benign Bigotry: The Psychology Subtle Prejudice - Kristin J. Anderson

Subversive Southern: Anne Braden and the Struggle for Racial Justice in the Cold War South (Civil Rights and the Struggle for Black Equality in the Twentieth Century) - Catherine Fosl

How Jews Became White Folks and What That Says About Race in America - Karen Brodkin

America's Original Sin: Racism, White Privilege, and the Bridge to a New America - Jim Wells

Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge

Living Into God's Dream: Dismantling Racism in America - editor = Catherine Meeks

Promise And A Way Of Live: White Antiracist Activism - Becky Thompson

What Does It Mean to Be White?: Developing White Racial Literacy (Counterpoints #398) - Robin Diangelo

[coffeedrivenfiction]

A/N: The pains of writing a one-shot... so many ideas come out of it that you gotta kill 'em quick before that one-shot becomes a 15-chapter journey with added epilogue.

The Fox and I

The boy wasn't even sure how he had come to be here... wherever here was. All he remembered was being chased by a group of angry villagers, a normal, daily custom, except this time... they seemed even more upset than normal. Lanes and byways passed by in a blur; his chest burned, the screams of the villagers had mashed together into a deafening roar—he didn't feel the pitchfork that speared him through the ankle, pinning him in place, until he had already jerked forward, crashing to the ground. Before the cry of pain could fully leave his mouth, sake bottles came raining down like a meteor shower... many of them missed, smashing into a sea of glittering grit over the road that nearly blinded the boy... then one shattered over his temple and sent him spiraling down a wave of darkness until he landed... here.

"Weeeirr—ouch..." He could a throbbing ache where that pitchfork had tore flesh and yet, looking down, he couldn't see not one mark. "That's... kinda odd... maybe here...?" Reaching up, he tenderly traced his prickling forehead for the gash that had to have been carved into his flesh. "My head hurts really bad but there's... there's nothing there," he muttered.

The gigantic fox before him, the one on the other side of those wrought iron bars, bars that looked both easily breakable yet capable of withstanding the test of time, kept an unusually stringent, wide-eyed leer aimed at the boy.

"You're bleeding rather profusely from the forehead out there in your domain."

The words that met the young boys' ears sounded diseased, festering with a madness dredged up from the darkest corners of the universe where no light had a prayer of reaching, where all manner of nightmares danced and gave birth to unspeakable horrors...

"How're you talking without moving your lips, Mr Fox?" the boy asked, craning his head back in a futile to hold the vast fox in his sights. He saw the furry face, it loomed out of the darkness in a way that bent his senses, and those terrifyingly wide, hunger-riddled eyes were trained on him. "Do you smoke? You sound like you smoke. If you do, you shouldn't," he said, wagging a scolding finger, "smoking's bad for—"

"I do not smoke," the fox rumbled.

A disturbingly thick, miasmic fog spilled out through the bars holding this fox, a fog that covered the ground, and the little boy lifted a foot, partly surprised to find it soaking wet.

"Did you pee back there?" he asked, confused. "'Cause there's a looootta water around here, and it's really warm and—"

The sudden gust of wind that nearly knocked the boy of his feet didn't distract him from the paralyzingly huge claw that tried to gut him like a fish before being caught between the bars. The low metallic twannnng that followed nearly burst his eardrums; the water around his ankles shivered and splashed—

"Figured, but worth the try. ...Well done, Minato."

The little boy grinned, then reached out a hand. "That's not my name, but good guess, Mr. Fox! My name's actually Naruto, what's yours?" he asked brightly, trying to shake the gigantic claw before him.

The effort was futile, Naruto couldn't even get his fingers around it, but the claw did move up and down slightly, enough to widen the smile on the blonde's face.

"My name is Kurama," the fox growled pleasantly, though the eyes staring down its snout at the small child still radiated with deadly intent. "Do you need my help?"

When the words hit Naruto's ears, and after he flinched again like he was struck by the vibration alone, he glanced up at the fiery eyes glaring down at him. "Do I... need your help...?" The smile that split his lips was genuine. "No, I think I'm doing okay, Mr. Kurama."

For the first time, the fox blinked, upsetting the young boy's footing through force alone. He stumbled back, nearly tripping, but caught himself before he fell over. "You could very well die within the next ten minutes... and you claim you do not need my help?"

Naruto nodded, merrily splashing through the water back up to the incomprehensibly big claw jutting through the bars. "I'm good now!" It was the kind of happiness only a child could exhibit, a happiness that didn't know of the horrors the world had in store for them as they aged.

To the fox, to Kurama, none of the little boy's words made sense. "Why are you okay?"

"Because I'm gonna die," Naruto answered blithely.

Nonplussed, Kurama wiggled its protruding claw. "And why is that a good thing? Should you not strive to live? You are young; your kind tend to live several decades."

Answering Kurama's question wasn't very high on the list for Naruto, who seemed far more enamored in the claw before him, watching it bounce up and down in time with his shakes. He had always dreamed of something like this... having a place where he could be by himself, that was safe. And while this long, sewer-like corridor with the giant fox at the end wasn't exactly like how he had planned, it was miles better than where he had come from.

"It's good 'cause I heard that once you die, you don't feel any pain... that's what the villagers keep telling me, and it must be true 'cause I don't feel anything right now!" Naruto nodded vehemently, furrowing his brow and caressing the spot on his head where he had been struck. "Whenever I get hit, there's lots of blood—"

"Yes, I know."

"—but right now, look... see?" He extended his hand palm up toward the bars. "There's nothing there." Naruto smiled. "It must mean I'm dying, which is great."

In a motion that caused the wind to swirl about threateningly, Kurama lowered his monolithic head, skating his chin over the water-logged floor. Those haunting eyes fixed themselves upon Naruto, who waved with the hand that wasn't still shaking Kurama's claw.

"It is not great," Kurama breathed.

Quirking an eyebrow, Naruto started stamping around in the water, send droplets flying in all directions. "I'm here," he said, pointing down, "and not there." He pointed back down the darkened corridor, toward where he knew led back to Konoha... back into the hands of those who hated him. "That's... here's gotta be better, right?" He looked up into Kurama's furry face, and could feel his own beginning to scrunch up. "Any... anywhere's g-gotta be better..."

Instead of answering, Kurama softly exhaled a gust of wind from his snout that ruffled the boy's clothes, if the three-sizes-too-big shirt with the blood stain and the extra baggy, extra frayed pants could be considered clothes. When the child laughed, it wasn't Kurama's first time hearing it, but it was his first time listening it, actually taking note of the voice that came out of the boy's mouth.

"If you were to die, then those monsters wrapped in human flesh win."

Pausing in the act of hitching up his pants, Naruto blinked, turning his head up at the fox. "They... win? Win what? I didn't know we were playing a game," he said, tying the drawstrings together with a sloppy knot that would no doubt come undone in the next five minutes. "Is it supposed to be painful...? Do I have to play?" There was a note of pleading in Naruto's voice as he returned attention to the eldritch fox. "Can't I just—I wouldn't mind if they won... I don't wanna play their stupid game anyway!"

"It's not something you have a choice in, I'm afraid," Kurama rumbled, watching as the little blonde's face fell. "Your domain is out there, among them—"

"WHY?" Naruto exploded, sounding for the first time upset. "Why do I gotta be out there with them? They don't even like me!"

"And why don't they like you?" Kurama wondered.

"I dunno!" Naruto shrugged, sounding truly lost. "I haven't done anything! I don't… at least I don't think so! I don't know their names, b-but they know mine, so… I thought they were friends, that they wanted to be friends but…."

"You will come to learn very quickly that everyone who knows your name, they do not wish to have anything to do with you," Kurama told him, and when Naruto stared up at him, confusion prominent amidst the pain resonating in his face, the fox went on, "You are very special—"

Naruto's eyes sparkled. "I am?"

"—and things that are special, they often garner fear, misunderstanding… distrust. The people of your village realize this, they know what you are, and that frightens them." A hard gust of wind blew from Kurama's nostrils, powerful enough to almost send the little boy flying. "They fear that one day you will grow out of their control, beyond their grasp... and you know what? They have every right to fear. What you are, not a soul breathing in that village can even fathom."

Kurama could almost see the gears turning in Naruto's head, struggling to make sense of the ethereal words bouncing around the corridor.

Then the blonde looked up. "But… what am I?"

And there it was… the question that Kurama had been waiting to hear since the young one's appearance, the question that caused the most sinister smile to peel through the great fox's lips.

"You are me."

Naruto stared, then broke out into laughter. "I'm not you, silly… you're a fox!"

"No, little kitten…" Kurama inched his head closer, so close that his snout poked through the rusted bars and right up against Naruto's chest. "We are one."

The End

[gawaine]

I will express this coherently at some point but to summarise;

this became longer than anticipated.

some common criticisms of the finale and why I politely think that, for the most part, they’re (respectfully) fucking wrong

what was the point of the whole show if not the Targaryen storyline?! The ascension of House Stark. The entire series is about the ascension of House Stark. How Bran the Broken’s forefather rejected the throne and died a traitor, like his fathers before him; how Arya escaped King’s Landing and returned as (however which way, or accidentally) a lauded hero, there to save others; how Lady Stark, who was mercilessly abused at the hands of Joffrey and held accountable for the sins of the Lannisters butchering her family, took forward their cause and everything that they died for. Love. Respect. Honour. The North. I’m fucking fine ok no I’m not my baby I’m emOTIONAL

there were good parts but it was a shitty ending! so anti-climactic! It’s the final episode. The penultimate episode of GoT is always the big one; the dramatic fight, the huge scenes. The ending is always quiet. It’s always about the aftermath. The but what is the result of that? That’s the GoT structure. GoT is about politics, human nature, cunning. If you expected anything more than that in the final episode of the final season, you haven’t been paying attention.

Drogon didn’t kill Jon! The argument that Drogon has always showed slight (albeit significantly less than with Dany) deference to Jon; we see he’s wary of him and I guess we all knew that when it came down to it, it would take something fantastic for Drogon to allow Jon to ride him, but we see it as Jon enters the castle and in multiple scenes throughout the season. Him not reacting to Jon isn’t well explained, but there’s an argument there that Drogon senses Jon is at least part Targ. And fire cannot kill a dragon.

what was even the point of Jon being a Targaryen if he’s not king? ... All of it. He chooses to be a Stark first. He denounces fire and blood. He denounces his own free will and choices, even if it means saving whatever remainder is left of House Stark. This is about the rise of House Stark. It always has been. Their suffering, their loss, their triumphs. I can’t remember when, but i remember posting once that as much as fans argue otherwise, we travel with the narrative. Our two narrative threads, that we’re led to follow as an audience, are the Starks and Daenerys. Jon symbolises that; more than that, he IS that. He is us in that world. The world isn’t that simple. Also, he goes down in history as the man who saves Westeros.

they played us with Dany. Right. No, they didn’t... And yes, they did. Her storyline has been there from the start. The schism between dual supporters of House Stark and House Targaryen only started around season 7, which was when Daenerys conveniently started exhibiting behaviour that indicated she wasn’t as stable as we’d been led to believe/before. I’m not anti-Daenerys, but there have been breadcrumbs this whole time. I’d go so far as to say that the writers probably overestimated the intelligence of their audience; that’s not me being abrasive, that’s fact. The nuggets people looked for in earlier seasons is based on source material. The nuances people enjoyed became ignored for the ‘bigger picture’ - but everyone assumed what that was based on the monolith that the show became (past tense! urgh), not on what the show has always been/was meant to continue to be this season. Was it poorly written? Yes. Absolutely. I felt betrayed by the voice over in the penultimate episode. It was lazy and shoddy. I may not like what Daenerys has become, but she deserved so much more. Also, there was a lack of consistency. This episode highlights her belief in her own benevolence and yes, it’s meant to be ironic and show us how stupid we’ve been - with Jon - and I would’ve respected it more if she’d been written to stand by her fury. But she’s also not her brother. She will purposefully not act that way whilst ignorant to her own faults. She’s delusional. I could write a whole essay on Daenerys’ mental health (did the show write it as misogyny? Yeah, I see it. Is that the basis of her character’s madness as a narrative? Um, no)

what the fuck was Tyrion’s speech? The writers assumed the audience was smarter (in their sense of the word) than they are. So they spelled it out for us, just in case. Clunky, lazy, etc? Yes. Fitting for that scene? Also yes.

lol the episode was so bad, the only good part was Jon petting Ghost It now makes sense why they didn’t have the budget for two Ghost scenes (you know about 70% of their CGI budget went on Drogon in this episode). There’s a reason for that; the season structure of GoT so far [see above], and the reminder of the true theme here - House Stark’s rise [see above]. Jon is at home in the North. At the Wall, he’s not a Targaryen, or a Stark; he’s Jon. It’s the only place where he can be just that. And that includes being half a Stark (ironically, the only consistent thing in his life), but not only that. Does it make relatively little narrative sense to have the Unsullied be invited to stay in Westeros, just to demand Jon is made a prisoner and then leave? True - but the point is, the door is kept open. That’s life. People move, people change, cultures adapt. The Unsullied are now a part of Westeros, no matter how far they go. Plus, Jon in the Wall... Knowing Bran knows the future... urgh, I see it. Poor writing, badly executed (props to the actors and production teams for doing a fantastic job with the material given), but I see the point being made.

the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives - what bullshit! Incorrect. Everyone assumes that’s meant literally; that’s only in times of war, that it’s literal (which is why it’s all we’ve seen so far; it’s eight seasons of war  against the Starks, or involving them). They are together. They are united. They are safe and they are happy. Personally, it’s all I’ve ever wanted from this series. I see others’ disappointment, I do. But Sansa is home. People saying she’s lonely and suffering the burden of ruling... No. Yes, she’s alone. But she’s not lonely. She’s home. With people who love her. With not just her father’s and forefathers’ legacy behind her, including in rebellion against the Targaryen’s for independence of the North/the ‘greater good’; but her mother’s and Robb’s, too. She’s always been somebody else’s. “x’s wife”. “x’s assistant”. “x’s chess piece”. Like Jon beyond the wall, she is just Sansa Stark in Winterfell. Like Jon, it was a legacy she craved - a home - and now she has it, without being the forced bystander she was as a child. Same with Arya. She always wanted to be free to do as she pleased, without losing her identity. House Stark is no longer against the world, fighting to survive. It has. They are a family. Your family aren’t dictated by who’s closest to you. They have survived. They’re not alone. This is the beginning of the series whilst it isn’t, because what’s changed? They know their loyalties lie. The pack must always survive. They have. They know that, after this, no matter what, they always will.

I could go on for hours but you get the point.

It wasn’t the greatest season. My favourite will always be seven. But that finale was one of the best episodes this season, because, as much as it may not feel like enough, it tied the strings relevant to the story it set out to be; which was ALWAYS about House Stark. 

The promo? Of their statues in Winterfell’s crypts? They bury their old selves. They become someone unrecognisable, born from who they were at the beginning.

But the point remains, they are, and always will be Starks first. Daenerys will always be a Targaryen first. You cannot escape your family. You can try and do better, but you can never escape who you are and how who that is affects you.

I fucking love it. Everything else can - bad pun intended - burn. The story this was meant to be got its ending. The stories in between may not have and that’s dissatisfying; but the ending to the original story was there.

[proxylynn]

Underfell: File Name not Edgy Enough #20

WARNING: I WANT NO RESPONSIBILITY OVER SPOILING THINGS FOR OTHERS. THAT BEING SAID, THIS IS HOW FILE NAME NOT FOUND WOULD FUNCTION IN THE AU OF UNDERFELL. BEFORE YOU READ THIS, UNLIKE THE NICE TIME OF UNDERTALE, THIS WORLD IS KILL OR BE KILLED. THIS STORY WILL BE GRAPHIC, GORY, USE SWEARS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, AND DEAL WITH SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTERS. FOR EXAMPLE, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE READ THE FILE NAME RELOCATED SPOOF WILL KNOW HOW I PICTURE THIS VERSION OF LYNSIE COMING TO THE UNDERGROUND. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING DUMB. IT IS BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO END HER LIFE. SO TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. I MADE IT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LET SOME OF THIS EDGINESS OUT OF MYSELF. WHICH I GUESS MAKES UNDERFELL LYNSIE EVEN MORE TRUE TO WHO I REALLY AM. ANYWAY, ENJOY. ^_^

This day started off sour and it continued to feel weirder as the time dragged on. Sans stared off into space, a strong sense of boredom and slight unknown thing weighed heavily on his mind. A small nagging feeling in the back of his skull. That sense of "did I leave the oven on" type thing. But he couldn't think of what it could be. Other than that, the boredom was draining. The magazines he stashed under his station that normally were entertaining now held very little interest. Hell, he didn't even feel like eating one of his decked out hot dogs. Something was wrong. He just didn't know what it was.

Maybe...Maybe doing something a little monotonous would make some part of this day feel normal. So after making sure the coast is clear of the order-barking Papyrus, Sans vacates his post and heads for the door that exits the Ruins. It's possible that the old goat woman will join in if he catches her there. But mostly he was hoping to just be able to knock alone. So once he planted his caboose in the snow and leaned his back to the monolithic doors, Sans took a long breath before tapping his knuckles upon the stone.

[Knock knock]

He pauses to listen if there's any response to come from the other side. When none came he sighed with relief and began with the first thing that came to mind. Though it now meant that the receiver of the jokes had to be internally.

Who's there?

"some."

Some who?

"some asshole telling knock-knock jokes."

He chuckles to himself and knocks again

Who's there?

"go fuck yourself, i don't need to tell you shit."

He seemed to be in a rather agitated mood and his jokes expressed it well. But agitation is only the beginning. For soon...they begin to darken.

"a man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. the librarian tells the man to go jump off a cliff because he'd never return the book."

He snickers.

"why do orphans like playing tennis? because that's the only love they can get."

Not to mention some jokes are just in poor taste.

"a woman delivers a baby. the doctor takes the baby and throws it. smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. the mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, and begging 'why!?'. the doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says 'i am just fucking with you, it was born dead'."

He really had to be careful when telling dead baby jokes. Toriel heard part of one once and her rage induced flames managed to seep their way out the cracks.

"after a long painful labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says 'ma'am, i've got some good news and some bad news. what would you like to hear first?'. after thinking it over she responds 'i will have the bad news first doctor'. the doctor replies 'well, i am not sure how to put this, but i am sorry to tell you, your child is dead'. a little puzzled, the woman responds with 'doctor, if that is the bad news, what is the good news?'. the doctor replies simply 'i was not ready to be a dad anyway'."

He laughs at the dark humor but his laughter his hollow. Something just isn't right. Nothing was lifting his spirits or making this feel any more normal. Damn it, why couldn't he get this nagging feeling to go away?! Why can't things just go back to the way they were? Before any of this stupid crap. Before...

"Sans? Is that you?"

Her voice nearly spooked him yet part of him was relieved. This part is somewhat normal except for her worried voice.

"yeah. it's me. you okay?"

"My daughter...Please tell me she is okay."

Daughter...? Oh, fuck! The human! They forgot about the human! Shit! Quick! Think of a cover story!

"*nervous* the kid? s-she's fine. why do ya ask?"

"We spoke not too long ago. She told me of a great many things. Things you have not told me of."

Sans began to sweat.

"w-what kind of things?"

"Sans...You would tell me if something was truly wrong, would you not?"

Keep it together man. Just be cool. It's not like she knows about any of the sinful things you regret.

"tori, you're the first person i'd come to if something was wrong with her."

"How long?"

"how long what?"

"How long has she been going through her maturity state?"

God dang it, human! Why'd you tell her that? Who's he kidding. Of course, she'd tell her. It's her mom.

"not long. a few days at the most."

"And this...This has not caused an issue with the Black Soul, has it?"

"no. that thing hasn't been triggered by it at all so far."

"Good. ...That is very good."

"are you sure you're okay, tori?"

There's a pause that has him concerned.

"tori?"

"Am I a good mother?"

Where the fuck did that come from?!

"huh?"

"All of my children...I try to be a good mother and do what is best for them...and in the end, they all leave me in some way or another."

"you can't say dumb shit like that. what happened to the princes wasn't your fault."

"Then what of the seven that fell after? They all left me too...only to die and their souls collected."

"they knew the risks. you warned them that the outside was cruel and they chose to go anyway. you can't help it if they didn't want to listen."

"And Lynsie? She has yet to return to me as she said she would."

"to be fair...it's not like we're giving her that chance."

"But you let her be in a bar? Why let her be there and not let her come home?"

She had him by his nonexistent balls there.

"she's kept watched over there. we can't skip work to be her babysitter."

"Then let her come home!"

"it's not that simple."

"Yes, it is!"

"no, it's not!"

This was the first time he'd ever raised his voice to Toriel.

"do you think i like risking my neck for a human? after what they did to us? what they stole from us? all the lives lost and the years spent in this underground prison. and now...now i'm stuck with one in my own house and i'm supposed to act like it's normal? well, it ain't fucking normal!"

"She is not like those other humans. You know this."

"that's not the point! the damn town knows we have a human. they just don't know it's her. if word got out, then undyne wouldn't rest till she found her and killed the traitors that hid the human all this time."

"Sans..."

"i only agreed to this promise because you threatened to kill yourself. if i could bring her back here, i would so then i wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. but i can't. pap would know i let her go and he'd never forgive me for it. i can live with a lot of things. but my brother's disappointment? i can't live with that, tori."

She goes quiet.

"be thankful you get the phone calls. not everyone has the chance to speak with someone they care for."

"...You lost someone important in the war, did you not?"

Sans felt his soul tighten harshly.

"i have to get back to work."

He stands up and dusts the snow off himself.

"Sans, wait!"

He should've said nothing and walked away.

"what?"

"Tell her...That I am not mad. That I am sorry. And that I hope she can forgive this foolish old woman. Can you do me this last request, my friend?"

He didn't like how that sounded.

"oh no. do not say that. you do not get to pull this crap on me. you will not guilt me like this!"

"I have troubled you enough."

He hits the door.

"take it back! you take it back right now!"

There is no reply and he pounds on the door like a mad man.

"tori! tori, open this god damn door! i swear i will...!"

"SANS!"

Papyrus came running in controlled alarm.

"SANS! THE HUMAN!"

"kinda in the middle of something more important here, bro. tori, don't you dare do anything stupid or so help me i'll...!"

Papyrus clutches his brother's head in his palm.

"NEVER DISREGARD ME AGAIN."

"sure, fine, whatever. now, what do you want?"

Papyrus glares at this disrespect but lets it slide this once since the Queen is involved.

"WE FORGOT THE HUMAN WAS LEFT UNATTENDED."

"and...?"

"I WENT BACK TO CHECK ON HER AND SHE IS NOT THERE."

That got Sans's attention.

"what?"

"HER AND THE FLOWER ARE NO LONGER IN OUR HOME."

"and she's not a grillby's?"

"I CHECKED. HE SEEMED TO KNOW NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE HE KNEW MORE THAN WHAT HE TOLD ME."

"shit, this isn't good."

"I AM HEADING TO WATERFALL. SHE COULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN FAR."

Waterfall...? Oh yeah!

"wait, pap, i'll go."

That had Papyrus eye his brother curiously.

"YOU? WHY?"

"well, for one, you kinda stand out. if she or anyone else saw you, it would tip them off to something being up. but me? hell, no one gives a rat's ass what i do."

"THAT IS TRUE."

"and two...i know where she's going."

"YOU WHAT?!"

Before the skeleton has a chance to respond a strange sound grabbed their attention. A sound neither has ever heard but knew what it was. The eerie rumbling of heavy stone that lets escape a massive plume of heat that melts the surrounding snow within five meters. Dread consumes their bones. Even the great and terrible Papyrus quacked in fear at the smoldering red eyes leering in the darkness beyond the door.

"Am I hearing that correctly? You have lost my daughter?"

"oh..."

"SHIT."

[Meanwhile: Hotland's Laboratory]

"Holy crap!"

Alphys had been keeping tabs on Sans this day. As she had been doing ever since she pinned him down with the knowledge of the human. The low ranking skeleton that once was her superior never failed to reveal more things that piqued her interest, this day is no different. Though she had to admit she did not expect the dialog heard, the news of the human's lack of whereabouts, or the emergence of the Queen from the Ruins. This level of drama was on par with some of her all-time favorite animes. But still...perhaps the script of this show could use just a bit more development.

"Mettaton! Get your ass in here!"

The robot responds from deep beneath the building, returning from a secret elevator hidden in plain sight and lugging empty bags of pet food.

"YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THEY'RE STARTING TO FORM THEIR OWN PERSONALITIES. THAT SNOW BIRD KEEPS MUTTERING A NAME FROM ITS PAST. ARE YOU CERTAIN THEY'RE MINDLESS ABOMINATIONS?"

"I'm sorry, are you the scientist around here with years of study? No? Then shut up about them and get over here. I think you'll find this interesting."

The sneaky smirk curling the corners of the lizard's lips gave him warnings of unpleasantness. But he could not disobey and wheeled over to her side.

"SPYING ON THE SKELETON AGAIN? AND YOU THINK MY HUMAN HOBBY IS WEIRD."

Now seeing the enhanced screen, Mettaton looked on in confusion as the doors to the Ruins parted and a very furriest looking female version of Asgore stepped out much to the horror of the two skeletons that began to back away slowly while pleading.

"IS THAT...?"

"Yep. Queen Toriel Dreemurr. This is the first time she's set foot outside since she banished herself years ago."

"BUT...WHY IS SHE OUTSIDE? SHE NEVER LEAVES THE RUINS, RIGHT? WHAT'S GOT HER SO UPSET?"

Alphys grins wickedly.

"See those two? They've been watching over the human for her."

"I KNOW THAT."

"Well...They've just let it slip that they don't know where the human is. Now, what do you suppose that means?"

The screen of the robot began to flicker about in a light show of questionable display.

"OH DEAR. SUCH A TRAGEDY. A POOR LOST SOUL OUT SOMEWHERE IN THIS HARSH WORLD. IT WOULD BE SUCH A SHAME IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO THEM."

The dark insinuation in his digital voice was the seed the manipulative lizard was hoping to plant.

"I give you permission to retrieve the human. Though if they get to it before you, do not engage."

"UNDERSTOOD. AND MY SHOWS?"

"I'll remix some older clips. No one will know the difference."

A slightly distorted laugh escapes the robot and it wheels away all too innocently.

"POOR UNFORTUNATE SOUL, HAVE NO FEAR. YOUR KNIGHT IS COMING, MY DEAR."

Alphys couldn't help the enjoyment this was bringing her. She honestly considered letting Undyne in on this action but that might turn this party into a slaughterhouse and she'd rather not have this end so soon. Now all she had to do was watch this show that she has orchestrated. Still, she hated that there was only one camera in Waterfall. She really needed to put in more cameras around the underground.

[Meanwhile: downstream on the river to Waterfall]

The water is calm and the temperature is mellowing out. The land begins to transition from ice to marsh. The air has a scent I haven't smelled in a long time. The faint smell of flowers and wet grass. This place, colored in purples and blues. Mushrooms, Typha, and shimmering crystals decorate the land sporadically but make it so...enchanting. With all the hate and death that seems to be bread in this underground world, it's amazing to me that there is such beauty that appears untainted by darkness.

"Do not be taken in by what you see, little one."

The Riverperson speaks after a long as hell time of silence.

"Pretty faces hide the ugliest intentions...Tra la la."

"Then by that logic, the more grotesque the thing looks the less wicked its motives. Heh...Ugly Fish must be a saint."

It turns to look at me and I shrug my shoulders.

"What? I'm just messing with you. I understood your warning. Don't judge things by how they look. I'm not retarded."

It looks away from me again.

"You should take things more seriously. Wild waters will soon come."

I get that is giving me these cryptic warnings for a reason. But the condescending tone pisses me off.

"Good thing I know how to swim."

The boat dips into the water sharply and rocks harshly as it stabilizes. The Riverperson doesn't move out of place in the slightest, almost as if it flowed with the motions like it wasn't even moving. I myself take the turbulence with some ease, used to moving with the motions in a speeding car, but I do grip the sides when the back end is flung up in its return to stability. The hooded fairer of this vessel looks back again over its shoulder.

"It doesn't help to swim if you can't keep breathing. Do not drown in the black deep. Or you will never come back."

Well, that hit more of the ominous nail on the head.

"Tra la la. Eat a mushroom every day."

"Why?"

The boat approaches a simple open area much like that in Snowdin and it once more looks away from me.

"Why? Then I know you're listening to me...Tra la la."

I want to take this thing seriously but when it does shit like that it makes it really hard not to call it out on such bull shit.

"No sweat there. I like mushrooms."

When the boat docks, I carefully stand up and step once more on top solid ground.

"I hope it's not too much trouble to ask this, but how long do you tend to dock here?"

"I come when I am needed."

"Great. We'll get to chat more later. I'll be needing a ride back to Snowdin."

"Then perhaps another time. Or perhaps not. It doesn't really matter."

With that, the boat returns to the rivers current and leaves me snickering to myself.

"Geez, what a weirdo."

Flowey pokes out of the backpack.

"What was all that stuff you both were on about?"

I wave dismissively.

"Sorry bro, but that's a whole dumpster load of junk I'm not diving into right now. Maybe later."

"*huff* Fine. Let's just find that ghost's house and get home before we run into any more nut jobs."

"I'd say eccentric but to each their own."

I walk up the way to meet a fork in this path. A road to my left, a road to my right, and a cave in front of me with a very familiar item holding box sitting on the ground.

"Wow. It's been forever since we've seen one of those."

"I can't read the inscriptions above the cave. Can you?"

"Um...I think it says something about a 'shop' being inside. That or something about cheese. I'm a little rusty on my ability to read old monster glyphs."

"...Why would you even know that, Flowey?"

"Eh, you learn weird stuff when you're bored."

"True that. Should we...?"

"You're going to anyway. But thanks for asking."

"You know me so well."

A slight detour it sure, but the last shop I was in had human gear and maybe this one does too. With all the warning I keep getting and the lack of training on my end, my stats need the extra boost. Stepping inside we find the cave to be a bit of a decent size and lit by torches. In the back, there's a stack of crates and a monster facing the end of the cavern while munching on something.

"Hello?"

The monster turns around and it is not what I was expecting. An elderly looking olive green tortoise-monster wearing black archaeologist attire, with the pointed beard of a wise man, a large magnifying glass sticks out of, and matching pith helmet. His teeth are crooked and yellow, his shell is a dark brown in color with a pale cream rim. He also has a scar over his right eye and seems unable to open it. And that thing he's eating looks like an apple but also looks like a crab. Very confusing really.

"Wa ha ha...So someone actually came here? What a treat!"

His gruff voice makes it hard to tell if he's happy to see me or pissed off.

"You look a little frazzled, youngster. Then again, I suppose that's appropriate for a human in these parts."

My eyes widen and he chuckles.

"Surprised I know what you are, huh?"

I rub the back of my head.

"Just a bit. Not many monsters really know my little secret. Probably helps that they don't ask either."

"That's not shockin'. Today's generation doesn't bother to learn anythin' about it's past. It's also probably the same reason you can walk around with the symbol of the royal family on your blouse."

I look at my shirt.

"I was told it was the emblem for monster kind."

The old man works a laugh in as he finishes his strange fruit.

"Maybe they are teachin' you youngsters somethin' in school. Have a gander at this..."

He points to the back wall and only now do I notice the large carving of the same symbol in the stone.

"That's the Delta Rune. The emblem of our kingdom. The Kingdom of Monsters. That emblem actually predates written history. The original meaning has been lost to time...All we know is that the triangles symbolize us monsters below, and the winged circle above symbolizes...Somethin' else. Most people say it's the 'angel' from the prophecy..."

Hearing that word triggers the warning the Riverperson spoke of.

"I'm sorry, but, what is this prophecy?

He removes his hat and rubs his scalp a bit before putting it back on.

"The prophecy? Oh yeah...Legend has it, an 'angel' who has seen the surface will descend from above and bring us freedom. Lately, people have been takin' a bleaker outlook...Callin' that circle the 'Angel of Death'. A harbinger of destruction, waitin' to 'free' us from this mortal realm."

I really don't like the sound of that.

"In my opinion, when I see that little circle...I jus' think it looks neat! Wahaha!"

The humor is lost on me. I'm too worried about what this has to do with what the Riverperson said. The angel is coming, it said. The prophecy says 'someone who has seen the surface will descend from above', and that sounds a lot like me. I don't want to be this Angel of Death. I don't want to free them with murder. The old man notices my sulking.

"You look upset. Not a fan of the idea of us monsters goin' free?"

I shake my head.

"No...I was just thinking that your prophecy sounded really sad."

That takes him by surprise.

"You're not like most humans I've had the displeasure to meet. To be honest, if it weren't for the law that prevents fights from happenin' in shops, I would've killed you the second I saw you."

A bit harsh, but I'm used to it at this point.

"But...these old bones aren't fit for fightin' anyhoo. Haven't been for a long time."

"I know you..."

Flowey chimes in and gets our attention.

"Yeah! You're Gerson, the Hammer of Punishment. You lead the army during the war and were the adviser to the King."

The old man smirks.

"Wa ha ha...Maybe there's hope for this generation after all."

"You were in the war? That was ages ago. How are you still alive?"

"Knowledge is the only reason I've survived so long, human. It's how anythin' stays alive if you think about it. But you didn't come here to listen to the ramblin's of an ol' man."

I roll my shoulders.

"No, not really. But I will admit, I don't mind if you do. You sound like you have a lot of interesting things to say. It'd be a shame not to listen while I'm able to."

The old man gives pause before moving one of the crates and popping the lid off.

"I don't have much in the way of goods. But if you're lookin' to buy, then have a look."

"Thank you."

"And don't expect a discount just because you're bein' nice. I still need to make a livin'."

"Understood, sir."

I move closer to look into the crate. Inside are only four objects. That strange fruit, a salty smelling bottle of tea, a notebook that has seen better days, and a pair of glasses that are scratched all to hell.

"I know those don't look like much, but they are far from done bein' used."

"Might I ask, are they from a human that is no longer with us?"

He merely nods.

"How much?"

"30G for the glasses and 55G for the notebook."

I cringe.

"Damn...Why so pricey for damaged goods?"

"They're one of a kind human collectibles. You can't get them anywhere else."

"Still...You sure you can't knock that number a bit lower?"

"*huff* How much do you have?"

I dig around in my pockets and backpack, only managing to scrounge up about 60G.

"Only that much, huh? Then you can have one or the other."

"Are you sure there's no way I can get both?"

He plays with his beard in thought.

"Hmmm...I suppose I can be open to a trade. What are you willin' to part with?"

"I didn't fall down here with much. All I have really is some bagged lunches."

His good eye cocks its brow.

"Anything without meat?"

I look at Flowey and he ducks inside the bag.

"Um...I see a cheese sandwich with lettuce and tomato. Will that work?"

I look at the old man and he ponders this for a moment.

"Hmmm...Fine. At least it's somethin' different. I've been stuck with these Crab Apples for way too long."

Crab...Apples? I am both curious to taste it and disgusted by how such a thing could be made.

"Deal."

We make the trade, my gold and food for the two items.

"Thank you for your patronage, youngster."

"Thank you for the hospitality and goods. I'll be sure to stop by again...so long as this doesn't reach the Royal Guard."

He chuckles.

"Aye, you needn't worry about me tellin' anyone you were here. You seem alright...for a human. As long as you don't cause any trouble I won't meddle in your business."

"I thank you kindly, sir. Have a good day."

He waves me off as I head back out of the cave.

"Good luck out there...You'll need it."

"Oh! Real quick question...Which way to where the ghosts live?"

"Out and to the right."

"Thanks again."

I leave the cave and look at my purchases.

"How are you suppose to equip those?"

"Good question. The glasses are the easy one. But the notebook...No clue there."

The glass lenses are way too damaged to see through, so I merely hang them from my shirt's collar till I can find a way to repair them.

[You equipped the Ruined Glasses.]

[Glasses that have seen better days.]

[You gain 6 Defense and increase Invulnerability by 9.]

"Ha. I see what it did there."

"Please don't pun."

"Fine. But this makes me wonder..."

I take the notebook and flip through it a little.

[Contains illegible entries.]

"Huh. What were they writing about?"

I carefully roll the notebook and place it in the pocket along my lower leg.

[You equipped the Mystery Notebook.]

[You gain 2 Attack and increase Invulnerability by 6.]

"And that brings us up to...?"

[CHECK selected.]

[HP 36, ATK 33, and DEF 27]

"Almost have even stats. Damn you DEF, why you so slow to catch up?"

"I bey your INV is about the same."

"Goes to show that much like a video game, the best stats in life are the harder ones to improve."

I sigh before grinning with a hero pose.

"Fear not, my botanical brother. For our quest is nearly at its end and we have procured, all be it silly, armor that shall, somehow, protect us on our perilous journey."

Flowey bops his face with a leaf.

"You are arguably the biggest dork in the entire Underground."

"You know you love it. Now let us away, my bro. Tally ho!"

I prance us to where we were instructed to go and end up in a very open area that can go many ways. From where I stand there is a path to my left, the main road ahead of me, and three paths to my right. This would be incredibly confusing if not for the random sign by one of the paths on the right.

[North: Blook Acres, East: Hotland, ?: Temmie Village]

"So it's North? Which way is that?"

"I think from the sign. So Hotland would be where we were coming from and Blook Acres is up here."

"Okay...But which one?"

"I'm picking the one closest to the sign. Makes the most sense."

Flowey shrugs and we head into this new area that turns out to be as big as it is...odd. It looks to be a corral on one end and a small race track on the other, both seem to have not been used in quite some time. In the corral is a vast amount of snail shells and heavy paw prints leading a trail of suspicion. My gut feeling is someone stole the snails, maybe even ate them. The footprints resemble Toriel's and the snail habit fits her too, but I know this isn't her doing. My only guess based on such data would be that this is the work of Asgore or some other goat monster. Wait...Why do goat monsters have paws? Shouldn't they have hooves? I feel like I've asked that before. Oh well, Monster DNA/evolution can be just as weird as human's, I mean, we came from apes. Since the only other way is to the left, I move over there to find two near identical large houses, only different in color, one dark grey and one dull red.

"Which do you think is his?"

"I say the grey one."

"Why?"

"There's a light under the door."

"Oh."

The other house was probably Mettaton's before he left. I go to the grey house and knock on the door.

[Knock knock]

"piss off! can't you see? we're closed forever!"

"Shame. And after I came all this way just to see you."

There's a bit of a scuffle, a small bit of swearing and things clattering as he rushes to the door. It's cute. The door opens and the ghost is very shocked to see me.

"you actually came?"

"Sorry, I'm late. I would've called but this was more of a surprise type thing even on my end. My I...?"

I elude to him letting me inside and he backs up a bit.

"Thank you, Blooky. Hope I'm not bothering you in the middle of something."

"n-no. nothing important or anything."

He lets me in his home and shuts the door before locking it. You'd think a ghost wouldn't need much, but Napstablook has a fairly decent setup for his home all be it for its slightly disheveled condition. The dull yellow walls are cracking in places and the wooden floor reminds me of the skeleton brothers shed in its condition. His home possesses a fridge, a television, a spiderweb with a torn flyer for a spider bake sale, a computer open to some music-sharing forum with a window blocked behind it all, some boxes, and three CDs, labeled "Ghouliday", "Spookwave", and "Spooktune".

"sorry, it's not much, but make yourself at home."

"Nah, dude, this is fine. So...Closed forever?"

"oh, that...um...it's kind of, or was, a family tradition of running a snail farm. people would come in and pet them. you could even race them for a cash prize."

"Race...Snails?"

"they're faster than you'd think. but...slowly...everyone left to do their own thing. for a while, it was just me and my cousin. then even he left. now it's just me. so i shut it down. I couldn't do it anymore anyway. the business was tanking, so it's not like I could afford to hire anyone to help, let alone resupply my snails because some weirdo kept taking them. eventually, the business died with the last snail."

Mettaton's leaving really did more to this poor guy then he knows.

"Blooky..."

"don't. don't feel bad for me. I don't want your pity."

"It's not pity. It's sympathy. Don't confuse the two. I'd never think of insulting you like that."

He looks off to the side as I sit on the floor and take off the backpack to let Flowey out.

"oh...you brought him along?"

Flowey sneers.

"Gee, happy to see you too."

"Boys, don't fight. Being a snarky bitch is woman's work."

I dig for my iPod in the bag.

"Yo, Blook-man. Ever find that charger? My tunes are about to flat line."

He floats over to the boxes and rummages around.

"what's the brand?"

"Apple. White cord usually."

I locate my player just as he pulls out a long white cord that he then plugs into his computer and I slide the iPod across the floor to him for charging.

"this shouldn't take long."

"No rush."

"No rush? What do you mean no rush? I thought you said we'd get caught if we stayed here too long? Or are you going off script again?"

This gets our host's attention.

"wait...did you...you snuck off, didn't you?"

I shrug.

"Maybe."

"you said you weren't going to do anything stupid if I told you about the boat."

"I didn't do anything stupid. I have to get caught first. Then I'm proven stupid."

Flowey groans and Napstablook shakes his head. But me? I lay flat on the floor.

"Will you both relax? None of you are the ones that have to worry about being killed. So quit being pissy and chill. Please?"

I know I'm messing up. I don't need them to tell me that. All their nagging will end up doing is stressing me out and that will make me fuck up when I really need to concentrate. I just pray nothing too insane happens today. I can handle lots of crazy shit, but sometimes I can be overloaded. And if or when that happens, I fear it will trigger the Black Soul. For now, at least, my plan is to remain as calm as can be.

And that's how things are for some time. Napstablook downloads my extensive music collection to add to his vast library of songs. He plans to go over all of it and mix whatever he thinks is decent. Flowey listens to some of his sample mixes, though by the creepy faces he's making, I don't think he likes it. I, for the most part, take part in the ghost tradition of laying on the floor and zoning out into the infinity of the cosmos, aka, stare into the ceiling until you start to see shit that isn't there. Surprisingly, Napstablook does offer us some food, mainly ghost sandwiches. Not surprisingly, the magic made meal phases right through us. Napstablook finds the moment funny. Right now I'm just dead inside. I've let all thought leave me and this never felt sense of 'everything is just okay' comes to me. It's weird. This feeling of peace that's only now been found in absolute stillness. Why am I only feeling this now when I've done this before for years? I guess can't complain. Better to know the feeling than to not at all.

[RING-RING]

Of course, a phone call would interrupt my mental accession to self-contentment. Fuck it. Not today.

[RING-RING]

"Aren't you going to answer that?"

"No. I'm not here."

[RING-RING]

"so you're just going to let it ring?"

"If I do anything they'll know that I had the phone and intentionally shut it off."

[RING-RING]

"What if it's Mom? Ignoring her won't end well."

"he has a point. you should at least check if it's her. don't ignore family."

You don't know my family.

[RING-RING]

"Fine. But only because the sound is annoying the hell out of me."

I retrieve the phone from my pocket and frown...Unknown caller.

"Your cousin is calling me again."

[RING-RING]

This confuses Flowey but has Blooky dropping his computer's mouse with wide eyes.

"h-he is? h-how do y-you...?"

"He's the only other person that knows my phone number and shows up as Unknown."

He floats over to me.

[RING-RING]

"are y-you...are you going to answer it?"

I stare at him.

"Do you want me to answer it?"

[RING-RING]

So many emotions cross his face.

"do it."

"Are you sure?"

"just don't mention me. I want to hear him. hear how much better he is since he's broke his promise."

I sit up and answer the call.

"Hello. You have reached an unknown number. Please leave a message after the beep. *fake beep*"

"VERY FUNNY, DARLING. AND QUITE TALENTED TOO. IT WAS VERY CONVINCING."

"To what do I owe this random call, Mettaton?"

"You're on the phone with Mettaton?!"

Flowey blurts out and the two of us glare to keep him quiet.

"OH, NOW WHO WAS THAT? AN ADORING FAN? OR ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE BEHIND MY BACK?"

"What did I say about being weird. That's my brother."

"*GAPS* THERE ARE TWO HUMANS IN THE UNDERGROUND?"

"No. You're still stuck with just me."

"SHAME. IF THERE WAS TWO OF YOU, THEN I'D BE ABLE TO KEEP YOU WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED."

"You're doing it again. That's the kind of stuff that keeps me from wanting to go near Hotland."

"WELL, GOOD NEWS! YOU WON'T HAVE TO COME TO HOTLAND."

This gets to me.

"Why do you say that?"

"IT'S A SURPRISE. SO...WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?"

Warning! Red alert! Danger!

"I'm in Snowdin."

This gets even my companions' attention.

"AH, DARLING, DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TEACH YOU THAT IT'S WRONG TO LIE?"

"I'm not lying."

"BUT I KNOW YOU ARE."

"Oh yeah right. You're just messing with me like everyone else does."

"THEY KNOW YOU'RE NOT IN THEIR HOME. YOUR MOTHER KNOWS AS WELL."

[You felt your sins crawling on your back.]

I sense death in my future, or something very close to it, and my body trembles.

"You're bluffing."

"REMEMBER HOW I TOLD YOU THAT THERE WERE CAMERAS IN THE FOREST? WELL, THEY CAUGHT SUCH SIGHTS AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT CAMERAS DON'T LIE, DEAR. SHE IS QUITE UPSET. SO MUCH SO THAT SHE'S ACTUALLY LEFT THE RUINS."

The amount of dread welling up inside my gut has me wanting to vomit.

"I CAN'T IMAGINE SHE'S IN A PLEASANT MOOD. ONLY THE RETURN OF HER DEAR CHILD SHALL QUELL THE FLAMES OF RAGE SHE IS CURRENTLY SCORCHING THE LAND WITH. WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?"

I can't make a sound. Speech is lost to me.

"I WILL TAKE YOU TO HER. ALL THIS CAN BE FIXED. I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. I WILL COME STRAIGHT TO YOUR CURRENT LOCATION AND WHISK YOU AWAY."

Problem. It is entirely possible that Mettaton is telling the truth based on the things he has said. How would he know any of that if it were all a lie? However, he still sounds calm as though this isn't a major issue. Which leads me to think that the moment I tell him where I'm at, he'll just scoop me up for himself and be damned anyone else that gets fucked over in the crossfire. This is bad. Very very bad.

"WELL, DARLING? SAY THE WORD AND I'LL BE THERE TO SAVE THE DAY."

I look at my friends, needing guidance like never before. Flowey is all for telling Mettaton if it means we'd get home. Yet Napstablook is against telling as he doesn't trust his cousin anymore. This split doesn't help me in the slightest.

"I...I..."

[Bang-bang-bang-bang]

The door is suddenly bombarded with activity and I drop the phone from being startled.

"*soft* DARLING? YOU OKAY?"

"open this door! i know she's in there!"

It takes my brain a bit to reboot before I remember Sans's voice or that he knew about my coming here.

"Shit."

"I knew it! I knew that Smiley Trashbag would track us down."

"Get in the pack, bro."

Flowey does as asked and reclaim my iPod as Napstablook goes to the door.

"the hell do you want?"

"don't play games with me, ghost. i know she's in there. open the door."

"and why should I do that?"

"because i need her to stop toriel!"

[You felt your sins weighing on your neck.]

He was telling the truth. Toriel is rampaging and so much shit is hitting the proverbial fan.

"Let him in."

Napstablook doesn't need to be told twice and opens the door, causing Sans who was about to ram the door to tumble onto the floor.

"for fuck's sake..."

The understandably grumpy skeleton picks himself up with a rough huff.

"do you have any idea what is happening right now thanks to this little field trip you're taking?"

"I was coming back."

"that ain't the point! you left without telling us."

"So did the two of you, but you don't see me bitching about it."

"we went to work! we have jobs! you know that!"

"And you knew my reason for leaving the Ruins was to come here. Now that this task has been done, I'm going home. I'm sick of being your brother's punching bag anyway."

"*soft* I'M SORRY..."

Oh right...The phone is still on with Mettaton.

"*soft* BUT DID I JUST HEAR THAT SOMEONE IS LAYING THEIR NASTY HANDS ON MY HUMAN?"

Sans takes my phone before I can get it.

"who are you talking to? do they know that you're...? you know."

I palm my face.

"It's Mettaton. He called me again. And you know that he knows what I am."

That's when a look comes to Sans that I'm unsure of. One I've seen around Grillby but still don't know what it is. But he gets that look as he brings the phone to his head.

"the fuck do you want, tin can?"

If only I could hear it. For some reason, Mettaton is rather quiet when not on TV even though his energy is still that of a loud person.

"look, pal, i don't have time for your dumb little shtick. quit calling. she ain't interested."

He hangs up and tosses the phone at me.

"now if you're done misadventuring, we gotta go."

"Yeah yeah, I know."

I come up to Napstablook and hug him.

"It was nice chilling with you, Blooky. But I don't think I'm coming back anytime soon."

"yeah, I figured as much."

"Take care."

"you too."

Sans, fed up with stress, grabs my wrist and drags me out of the house.

"How bad is it?"

"she was headed for snowdin when i left. pap was doing his best to slow her down. the crazy old lady has lost her damn mind."

"Are we taking the boat back?"

"is that how you got here?"

"Yeah."

"you stay away from that thing. and no, we're not using the boat."

"Then how are we...?"

"i know a shortcut. now don't let go."

I am confused when he gets a better grip on my arm. But the sudden surge in magic coming off him has me clinging to him as the world rips away before us. I don't see it for long, as my mind has a lot to take in rather quickly, but it's like a tear in space and time that swirls with dark color. I can only compare it to images of nebulas and even then that can't really do what I see justice. This power he wields is incredible. I have a new sense of respect for Sans now. As the name shortcut implies, this happens in a really short amount of time to almost instantaneously, and the next thing I know is I'm standing with him somewhere in the treeline bordering the town.

"if we're lucky, we should've gotten here before her."

"Dude...Is that really what happens every time you do a shortcut?"

"uh...yeah?"

"That is the most epic thing ever in the history of awesome."

He blushes lightly for a moment before shaking it off.

"be serious for once. we need to go out there and keep tori from..."

Out of nowhere a couple of the trees spontaneously explode into pillars of flame.

"...doing shit like that."

"Holy fucking ass crackers..."

We rush out from the area not currently not burning hellscape only to find something much worse. Toriel has indeed made her way to town. Her path marked by the lack of snow, singed ground, and ash from the bones Papyrus would block her with that she, in turn, would then cremate in her intense fire.

Much of the town seemed to be spared her wrath with the exception of one establishment. A certain bar. Toriel did not know this town as she once did, not it's people or the way things worked. But she did know one name and that bar had it written out in large fancy neon letters...GRILLBY'S. Her child spoke of a man by that name. Claiming him to be decent and allowing her to work there. She thought it was possible to trust in her child's judgment. But now her child is gone. The skeletons had failed her. This Grillby was her only clue. Clearly, this man knew where the human was because he took her. Swaying her child with false kindness and lies. Luring her in like a lamb to slaughter till it was far too late. What other possible explanation could there be? That is why she attacked the bar. That is why she went after the man of flame. That is why she chased him to the cold streets when he ran unable to grab his coat That is why, even now, she was grappling this man and trying to overpower his weakening fire with her own. A task one would think improbable, what with Grillby being made of fire himself and having a much higher LV level than her. But one should never underestimate the power of a Boss Monster, especially when she's gone insane and has nothing left to hold her back.

"Give her back! I know you have her!"

"For the last time, I don't know where she is."

"Lair!"

Her fire bursts with her accusatory shout.

"She is here! You are keeping her from me! Admit your sin!"

"Get a hold of yourself and listen to reason."

"No, you listen! You are all the same! You are all cowards that prey on the innocent! Weak spineless men that resort to damning loved ones at the first signs of problems! Well not anymore!"

Her grip harshens and Grillby finds himself being pushed back, his heels plowing through the ground as she keeps pressing forward.

"I don't want to hurt you, my Queen. But I won't allow this nonsense any longer!"

Tapping into his LV for strength, Grillby begins to heat up and force Toriel back with his fire matching hers. This does not impress the rabid goat mother. In fact, it only indulges her delusion even further.

"This power you possess...It comes from the pain you gave others, is it not? From the lives you took?"

Grillby's spirit falters, flashes of the past where he was pushed to the brink and lost control of his fire come to him. He never wanted to kill anyone. He just wanted to be left alone and live his life. It wasn't his fault they kept attacking him. It is his fault that he couldn't find a better way to end the situation. Seeing the hesitation, Toriel rams her head into his face, smashing his glasses and sending the fire-man into the melting snow. His fire begins to burn softer, the cold dampening his flames and zapping his energy due to needing to burn. This leaves the fire elemental open in a bad way.

"You pathetic whelp..."

Toriel slowly approaches. Witnesses to the scene dare not intervene for fear of being her next victim.

"How long are you going to waste my time? Return my daughter to me and I will spare your life."

Grillby pulls himself up to at least be kneeling, though he isn't looking as hot as he should be.

"I would give her to you if I had her, believe me. But she isn't with me."

He is telling the truth. But to Toriel, all she hears is lies.

"Then you are of no use to me."

She holds out her palm to him and a ball of fire builds up in intensity.

"A fitting end for a miserable creature."

He wants to move. He wants to flee. Yet his body doesn't have the energy for the speed he needs. Sure, he might be able to move out of the way but not completely. He'll still get hit, and mixed with her intent, the damage alone will kill him. With not much else he can do, the defeated barman bows his head and waits for it all to end but not wanting to see it happen. What he does see is a faint glow set under Toriel. Just as the ball reaches its apex for firing, a massive bone raises from the ground and knocks her arm to the side, causing the ball of fiery death to be hurled into the treeline with the bone turning to dust soon after. This gets the angry goat monster's attention and her anger only grows when she turns to see the audacious prick that dared stop her execution. Papyrus stood hunched over and panting, his bones signed but still strong enough to bring him here. He had done his best to stall the mad Queen while Sans left to get the human. But even the great and terrible Papyrus was little more than a fly compared to Toriel. She swatted him down and left him in the snow thinking he'd be smart enough to remain there...she was wrong.

"*WEARY* I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE THE QUEEN...I AM THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS...SECOND IN COMMAND TO THE KING'S ROYAL GUARD AND OVERSEER OF THIS TERRITORY...I'LL BE DAMNED IF I LET SOME DISGRACED MONARCH RUN WILD WHILE I STILL STAND."

She glares.

"You follow a weak fool. He promises you the lie of freedom, but if he really wanted to free our kind he could have gone through the barrier after getting ONE SOUL and taken six SOULs from the humans, then come back to freed everyone. But he is scared. Scared that he will lose everything once freedom is gained. So he keeps you and everyone else in despair. Because he would rather wait here, meekly hoping another human never comes."

"*WEARY* LIKE YOU'RE ANY DIFFERENT? YOU'RE JUST AS PATHETIC AS YOU CLAIM HIM TO BE."

"What?!"

"*WEARY* YOU WERE NOT JUST OUR QUEEN...YOU WERE HIS WIFE...YOU VOWED TO BE HIS OTHER HALF AND AID HIM IN TIMES OF NEED...INSTEAD, YOU ABANDONED HIM AND THE KINGDOM TO HIDE IN THE RUINS. YOU'RE A COWARD."

That shakes her.

"I am not the one murdering children! He does not have to do that! He is responsible for his choices!"

"SO ARE YOU!"

Regaining some of his strength, Papyrus makes his stand and looks intimidating as hell doing so.

"YOU LEFT WHEN YOU WERE NEEDED THE MOST. WHAT EVEN WAS YOUR PLAN? QUIETLY HIDE AWAY HOPING THINGS WILL GET BETTER WITHOUT YOU? THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORK. ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES AND HE'S THE ONE DEALING WITH THE MESS YOU'VE LEFT US ALL IN. YOU CALL HIM WEAK? A COWARD? THAT IS YOUR DOING. YOU MADE HIM WEAK. AND YOU ARE JUST AS COWARDLY TO SHOWER THE BLAME ONTO HIM INSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING THAT ANY OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT TOO!"

"That is enough!"

She shoots out thick streams of fireballs, too thick to dodge through, and forces Papyrus to put up a layered barricade wall of bone. But Toriel's rage fuels her fire and at the current rate of burning, the wall won't protect him for long. Without warning, Toriel is blasted by a beam of energy into a building and her HP slowly drains.

[KARMA coursing through your veins.]

When things settle around Papyrus, Sans appears at his brother's side with his left eye blazing and a Gaster Blaster aimed at the former Queen. His timing being just right as the wall crumbles to ash.

"no one messes with my bro."

Papyrus gives his brother a cocky smirk.

"SHOW OFF."

Sans merely grins.

"jealous?"

"JEALOUS? NAH...MINE ARE BIGGER ANYWAY."

"hey, it's not the size of your blaster that counts but how you use it."

They share a small laugh before returning their attention to the shambling Boss Monster that's recovering.

"So...This is the loyalty of our friendship?"

"family beats out acquaintances.

and nothing in that promise says i can't attack you."

"Then you understand why I am upset. You lost the only family I have."

"first off, yeah, i get it. but fuck you if you think that justifies any of this shit. and second, she ain't lost and never was. she's behind you."

Sans points behind her and she is hesitant to look, though when she does, her eyes widen as she sees the human tending to a weakened Grillby.

"My child...?"

I can't believe she went this far. I knew Toriel was unstable and when triggered could end up doing a lot of harm. But this? This shit is ridiculous. The moment Papyrus had her attention I split from Sans to get to Grillby. Poor soul's fire has gotten so low that his color has darkened and I can barely feel his heat. I hold him close so that he can at least draw from my own warmth. It seems to work for the time being but I need to get him into his home to properly get his core temperature back up.

"*weak* P-Pussycat...Is it really you?"

"Shhh...Don't talk."

Flashes of his dying in the past timeline happen in my eyes and I try to keep for tearing up.

"*weak* Heh...This was not the way I wanted to meet your 'mom'."

"I know. Personally, I was hoping you never would."

He chuckles as I rub his back, trying to make heat with friction, and his head rests along my shoulder. Lost in my care for him, I don't even notice the situation going on with Sans and Toriel.

"*weak* You want to know something funny?"

"What's that?"

"*weak* Right after you left earlier...The uniform I got for you came in."

"Oh? And why is that funny?"

"*weak chuckling* You'll find out when you see it."

I should probably be suspicious of that, but frankly, I'm just glad he's doing better.

"Think you can stand up?"

"*weak* Well, I was enjoying this. But it is best we take this inside. Fucking hate this weather."

I snicker while propping myself into a slight crouch. He takes a moment to adjust to this position and hooks his arm around my neck. Once ready, that's when I push us up onto our feet and try to keep him steady.

"Easy there. Don't tell me you've been drinking on the job?"

"*weak* Maybe. I have been drinking you in for a while now."

"*snort* Oh my god...That was so adorably cheesy. Could you possibly get even cornier than that?"

"*weak* Do you have ninety minutes?"

"Dear lord you both are gross."

I forgot Flowey was in the backpack. This is fucking hilarious.

"Grillby...This is my brother, Flowey."

Grillby blinks a couple of times before shaking his head in a laugh.

"*weak* You weren't kidding about you having an odd family."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry you had to be thrown into this mess."

"My child...?"

Toriel's voice gets my attention and my hold on Grillby tightens on instinct, not that he minds. Sans tends to a hurt but still okay Papyrus and smack dab between us is the clingy goat mother from hell.

"Lynsie...You are okay. Thank goodness. I have been so worried."

Sweetness laces her voice like viscus honey. A complete 180° from the 'I shall kill you all' rage that was just there moments ago. She opens her arms and smiles like the world is made of rainbow candy.

"Come, young one. Let us go home and never return to this awful place again."

I made her a promise. A promise that I'd come home to her. I never break my promises. But right now...I can't make my body go near her. In fact, I can't stand looking at her. She notices my glaring eyes and is confused.

"Lynsie? Why are you looking at me like that?"

She takes a step forward. I step back.

"My child?"

She looks hurt. Not as hurt as Papyrus and the look Sans shoots me tells me to be careful with what I say before they shortcut away.

"What is wrong with you?"

Her eyes widen. Flowey moves around in the bag muttering that I need to shut up.

"My chi-"

"No. Don't hide behind that 'mommy dearest' thing you do. This is serious. You attacked innocent people. And for what? Because of me? You thought I was lost like some snot-nosed kid?"

"*weak whisper* Easy, pussycat. Not too harsh."

Grillby is right to try to warn me. But I can't stop myself.

"I...I have to protect you."

"Stop it! Stop using me and everyone else that came before me as your excuse. I love you, Toriel. You've been a better mom than I could've dreamed of. But you have to stop pretending that this is normal. I'm not your real child. Hell, I'm not even a kid."

Her eyes start to water.

"Do not...Do not say such awful things to me. I am your mother. And you will show me the respect I deserve."

"I can't replace Chara."

"Stop it..."

"I can't replace Asriel."

"Stop it."

"I can't be them no matter how much you want me to."

"Stop it! You are not saying these things! We are a family and you will come home with me right now! We will forget that this ever happened! We will sit in the living room, telling stories, eating butterscotch cheesecake...Because that is normal and we are a family!"

I know this will hurt but some bandaids need to be ripped off by others if the wearer won't do it.

"Damn it, Toriel, they're dead and not coming back!"

That did it. That was the straw that made everything break, for her and for me. The waterworks begin.

"I'm sorry. I know it hurts."

"No, you do not! You have no idea how I feel!"

"You wish that there was something you can do, but you can't. You beg and plead and bargain with any god-like being that will listen but nothing happens. And all you can do is wish you could go back in time to fix it so that the bad thing never happens, but you can't. All you have left are memories. Yet as time passes, even those start to leave you. So you stop time from passing for yourself. You build up a world that keeps the memories alive even if they aren't and soon that line blurs to become your reality. But it's not real, Toriel. They aren't coming home. And in forcing yourself to live in the past, you've lost everyone that is still here in the present. You had a family once. You still have the chance to have it again. You still have your husband."

She rubs her eyes while weeping.

"That man...That man is a fool. He does not care about anything or anyone."

"That's not true."

"How would you know?!"

"Because there is more than one way to grieve!"

I'm shaking at this point. So much so that Grillby takes hold of my free hand to make me relax.

"Asgore's a King, right? A man of power. How would it look to his people if the King broke down and cried? To show weakness by displaying emotion? Seeing how things are here it wouldn't surprise me if such a sight would cause a revolt in authority. There would be fighting for the crown. And after suffering such loss, no one would want to risk more bloodshed. Not when they still had a loved one to protect. So maybe...just maybe...He had to appear cold-hearted to save you because you are all he has left."

Where is all this coming from? Why does it feel like I know I'm supposed to be saying this stuff?

"But what do I know? I've never met him. Yet you have. You know him better than anyone. The man you talked about...Is that the same man you fell in love with and married?"

"*sniffling* N-No..."

"You weren't the only one to lose children that day. He's hurting too, Nanny. He just isn't allowed to show it. But I'd bet my soul that he's in as much pain as you are."

She drops to her knees and wails in mourning. I'm not sure where she's at in her progress in moving on, but from the looks of it, she might be starting to accept the reality that she's been denying for so long.

"*weak* Wow, pussycat...That was incredible."

Then why do I feel so bad? My heart hurts and I don't like it. I need a mom hug. And she needs to know that I still support her. Carefully, I get me and Grillby walking toward the bar. There, I'm able to let Greater Dog bring Grillby inside much to his concern. But he knows why I stay outside. I need to fix this. Still crying her eyes out, I come to Toriel's side and sit down.

"You know...This doesn't mean you're going home alone."

She tries to talk while sobbing. It sounds terrible. Like an upset kid that you can just barely understand.

"*crying* You...would...still...come...home...with...me?"

Oh my god, the snot bubbles...Quick! Don't focus on that!

"I know what I said hurt. And you probably think that I'm mad or that I hate you. But I only said what I said because I care and it needed to be said. I don't want to hurt you. I want to help you like how you've helped me. It's not healthy to live in the past like this. It probably feels like, if you move forward, then you're giving up on their memory and forgetting them. But that's not true or how it has to happen. You can still live your life and keep them with you."

She begins to settle down yet her face is still a disaster zone of grossness.

"*ambivalent* It...It does not?"

I give her back a few supportive pats before stroking her fur softly.

"No. As long as you love them and keep them in your heart, then they are never truly gone. Heh...Probably helps a little bit that Chara haunts me and Asriel..."

The words die on my tongue. It's not my place to say my brother business. I don't even think he's ready to tell me about even when I said his name. But that's on him. It's not easy to come back from the dead.

"He's likely watching over you and wanting you to be happy."

I faintly hear muffled sniffling coming from the backpack. One day, he might let her know his secret. But not now. Toriel smiles weakly, her tears steadily slowing down and her emotions coming under control.

"Thank you, my chi...*pause* Lynsie."

It wouldn't kill me to make this compromise.

"You can still call me your child if it helps you feel better...Mom."

Hear that makes her heart swell with joy and she pulls me into her embrace...while rubbing her gross all up in my hair!

"Oh, bless you, my child! You are truly an angel!"

And in an instant, I feel a chill run through me deeper than the cold I'm currently in.

"My child? Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah. Just feeling cold is all."

"Right. My apologies. We should get going before you catch your death."

"Fine, but I need to do two things first."

"And what would they be?"

"Well, for starters..."

I pull from the hug to rip part of my sleeve off. This confuses her till I wipe my head and then her face. It makes her giggle embarrassingly.

"*giggles* I am so sorry, my child."

"Nah, it's fine. Stuff happens. Speaking of stuff...*pause* Toriel..."

"Yes?"

This is going to be even harder to say then the stuff I already did.

"I know this isn't my place to bring it up and it might take a long time before you feel comfortable enough to do so...But it would probably be helpful if you talked with Asgore."

Her face becomes serious yet not upset.

"What else do you need to do, my child?"

She changes the subject and this doesn't surprise me. She has issues and Agore is one of them. It will take a lot of help to get her to willingly be able to deal with him again. So I move on and stand up.

"I'm gonna go see how Grillby is doing. I won't feel right till I know he's fine."

She pouts but stands up beside me.

"I shall join you. I am ashamed of behavior and must apologize."

"Probably might smooth things over a bit better if you order something. Good food can make enemies into friends and Grillby makes the best in town...mostly because he's the only one serving food, but I still stand by my praising."

She laughs at my silliness, having missed it since I've been gone and how it shows innocence in a harsh world. I take her hand and lead her inside the bar. Once we enter the mood in the room changes instantaneously to fright. Patrons move far away from her. Grillby himself, recovering in a booth and looking healthier already, becomes panicked yet can't get away in time for me to not stop his escape.

"Please...Everyone...Calm down. No one is going to hurt you. Toriel has something she'd like to say."

Embarrassed and ashamed, Toriel hangs her head low.

"I hope you all can forgive me. The things I said...My actions...I had no right to behave as such. It was wrong and I am sorry. Especially to you, sir."

Grillby flinches.

"I was unjustly cruel to you when you have been more than kind to my daughter. I can not begin to think of ways to atone for this wronging. But whatever punishment you see fit, I will accept it without hesitation."

This got more of them to relax and even Grillby appears to take this truce of sorts. Still, I can sense his nervousness and I doubt that's going away any time soon.

"I can't really think of anything."

"Are you sure? Is there really nothing I can do for you that would make amends between us?"

Wow and I thought Papyrus was bad when it came to accidentally suggestive speech. Ah, who am I kidding, Papyrus is the king at that and no one else comes close.

"Really, there's nothing I want..."

He then looks at me and smiles.

"Except for your daughter's company and your permission to date her."

Awww...That's actually really sweet. ...Wait what?! Toriel's face holds similar surprise to Grillby's request, as do the bar patrons.

"Are you asking to court my daughter?"

Putting on his smooth charm, Grillby works the magic that only he can.

"I think it's only right that I ask and inform you of my interest. She's a very special lady that I've grown attached to. Be quite the shame to lose her over this. That, and she is my only employee."

Toriel likes this gentleman's respectfulness. I on the other hand not so much.

"I take it my opinion means squat now. Next thing I hear better not be the trading price of me for a cow, a pig, and two sheep."

"Pussycat, that's not what this is about and you know that."

The pet name confuses Toriel.

"Pussycat?"

I fold my arms.

"It's the name he teases me with."

"You know you love it. It suits you so well."

I try to look pissed but the blush isn't helping nor is him pinching my cheek like you do to babies.

"See? Adorable and feisty. Just like a pussycat."

I stick my tongue out and Toriel is swayed by our interactions. Seeing a familiarity in it all.

"Very well. I will allow this."

That's really surprising. Maybe she is making progress.

"But I will say this...If you hurt my child in any way...I know where to find you."

And there goes that progress. Grillby seems to understand the threat of a parent and rolls with it.

"Well, now that we've gotten that taken care of. Can I interest you girls in something before you go? A drink? Something to eat maybe?"

Toriel rubs her hands uncomfortably. Aside from causing a lot of fear in these people that are now eyeing her, she is also not used to being around more than one person and her awkward levels are beginning to show. I think I can spare her this. I mean, I'm embarrassed to hell too and want this done.

"I think a to go bag might be best, Grillz. Like a sampler of sorts, if that can be done?"

"Not a problem. But I will need some help. Heh...I can't see a thing right now. So if you could aid me for a bit, pussycat?"

Wait...can't see? But then what about...oh! I get it now. I slip the backpack off and hand it to Toriel.

"Sure thing, boss. Let's get cooking."

Grillby gets out of the booth and takes my arm.

"Mind waiting a moment, Nanny? This shouldn't take long."

She looks so uncomfortable but nods.

"I will wait here. But please...do hurry."

I nod and guide Grillby to the door leading into the rest of the building. Once that door closes behind us he starts to chuckle and I smirk.

"You sneak fire devil. You can see just fine, can't you?"

He smirks.

"What gave it away?"

"You took them off to kick that douche cat's ass. So either you wear them for aesthetic reasons or you need them for something else."

He runs a hand through his flaming hair coolly.

"I am partly nearsighted. The farther something is the more it looks like a blob. But I also can't help that I do look good in glasses."

"Yeah, you do."

I smack my face in realization and he grins.

"Damn it brain. Inside thoughts stay inside."

"God, you're adorable."

"And you're a dork."

"But you love this dork."

"Love is a strong word. Though I really, really, really do like you."

He smiles and moves my bandanna a bit.

"Did she notice this yet?"

Oh right, the hickey. I forgot about that.

"Dear lord, I hope not."

"Hmmm...Then I probably shouldn't make it bigger."

"Make it bigger?"

"Well, if you insist."

He takes advantage of my naïveté and clamps his mouth over that mark, forcing me to bite my lip to keep from making a sound. I think he gets a kick out of doing things like this. Crazy Toriel is just outside of the room and he's doing something that he knows makes it really hard for me to stay quiet. His hands on my waist don't help either and my held back whimpering is getting louder. When he does cease this steamy moment, the biggest damn smirk smears his cocky face and I am a wreck clinging to him like I'd fall if I let go.

"Mmmm...Not bad, pussycat. Though next time, I want to hear every little sound you make~."

His voice smolders in my ear and the shudder than leaves me only pleases him.

"Damn you and your hotness."

He lets me go of my flustered self with a chuckle.

"Come along, pussycat. We can't leave your mother waiting. She might kill someone if we do."

"Yeah...No one wants that."

I mosey on down to the kitchen while he grabs his spare pair of glasses before joining me. There we pull things out and start cooking. Grillby doing the actual cooking whereas I just do prep work.

"I forgot to ask this...But how much will I owe you for this? I spent the last of my gold in Waterfall."

"Don't worry about it."

"No, I owe you this at least. What with all the crap I've gotten you into. What's the price on my tab?"

"For this? About 280G. But don't worry about it. I can take it out of your paycheck."

"Fair enough, boss-man. Though...I know this will sound odd. But can some of that pay go to Sans's tab?"

This makes him pause.

"Can I ask why?"

"I promised to help him out a little. As thanks for...well...putting up with me."

"...You're a good girl, Lynsie."

"I try. Lord knows I try."

He looks at me with concern but says nothing. I can feel the start of an emotional flux coming on so I try to focus on the mindlessness of cutting ingredients and separating things to go with each thing they'll be paired with. My hope is the numbness will blank my mind, keeping me from becoming a mess that is seen in chick flicks. This is my hope. Because the day doesn't need any more drama than it had already.

[Meanwhile: Skeleton household]

Papyrus sits on the edge of the couch, his Battle Body armor off and washing the scorch marks off his sore bones with a moist cloth. Sans, for his part, tended to his brother by applying healing ointment and ice packs where it was needed as he's not very adept at healing magic. Lucky for the both of them that Toriel carried no intent when it came to attacking Papyrus, up till that last part at least, and that the skeleton has fairly high Defense. But still, the old goat had ended up wounding something important of his other than his body...she wounded his pride. And that can't be healed so easily.

"how ya feeling now?"

"LIKE A HOUSE GOT DROPPED ON ME."

"i told you tori was tough. it's the perk of being a boss monster. even with low LV, she can still hit hard as hell."

"THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE. OLD BITCH BESMIRCHED MY REPUTATION. THIS IS NOT GOOD."

Typical ego driven Papyrus.

"please, like it matters what any of these fuckwads think. you were the brave one that stood ground against the raging queen. all those other assholes hide like bitches. you're the big shot here. no one can talk shit about you after this."

And typical Sans playing up his brother to make him feel better. At least this time it's real.

"AS TRUE AS THAT IS, THERE IS NO PROOF THAT THEY WON'T WHISPER SHIT WHEN THEY THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING. ALL IT TAKES IS ONE PRICK TO SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE OUTSIDE OF TOWN AND IT'S OVER. UNDYNE WILL THINK I'M LOOSING MY EDGE."

"or...be impressed that you tussled with the queen and lived."

"WE NEED TO COVER THIS INCIDENT UP, SANS. WE NEED TO PREVENT WORD FROM GETTING OUT."

"i think you might be overreacting just a bit. but whatever."

Papyrus glares, batting Sans away as he stood up in annoyance.

"CONSIDERING YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NORMALLY THINKS MORE AHEAD, I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T SEE THE DANGER IN ALL THIS."

"oh, do tell?"

"IF UNDYNE COMES HERE, SOMEONE WILL TELL HER THAT WE HAVE A HUMAN. AND IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, THE HUMAN ISN'T HERE. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT SHE WILL QUESTION WHY WE FAILED TO HAND OVER THE HUMAN THE MOMENT WE GAINED POSSESSION OF IT. WE WILL BE FOUND GUILTY OF TREASON AND KILLED. IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

Sans took such revelation rather calmly.

"is that all? i thought you were going to say something i didn't already know."

Papyrus growls, tossing the cloth onto Sans's face.

"OKAY, ASSHOLE, IF YOU ALREADY KNOW THAN WHAT BRIGHT IDEA HAVE YOU COME UP WITH TO FIX THIS?!"

Sans peels the wet cloth off his face.

"simple. undyne is a moron. so we lie."

Papyrus is not impressed.

"...YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS."

Sans makes himself cozy on the couch and lounges.

"think about it. she's so stuck in her human-hating ways that she'll believe anything about them if it's negative. hell, she actually thinks that weird shit alphys shows her is real. i mean, have you ever seen our human do anything like what's done in anime?"

Sans makes a good point there. Undyne isn't the smartest fish in the sea.

"*SIGH* NO. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN JUST TELL HER ANYTHING. IT HAS TO BE CONVINCING."

"you really think i haven't thought about this? she already thinks humans can crazy shit like fly and have mind controlling powers. if she ever comes asking about the human, we just tell her that the human used some strange ability on us and we blacked out. when we woke up, the human was gone and we had no memory of the events that happened over the days it had us under its spell."

"THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. ...BUT IT'S JUST STUPID ENOUGH THAT IT MIGHT WORK."

"see? you should have more faith in me."

"STILL...WE SHOULD HAVE A BACKUP PLAN IN CASE THE LIE FAILS."

"another easy one. we just get the human back."

Sans was starting to get too cocky for Papyrus's liking.

"AND HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE WE DO THAT? I HIGHLY DOUBT TORIEL IS GOING TO LET THE HUMAN OUT OF HER SIGHT AGAIN."

"you forget one detail that makes this plan guaranteed to work."

"AND THAT IS...?"

Sans grins wickedly.

"she doesn't tend to listen when told not to do something. all it takes is the right bait to lure her out. then...wham! we capture the human."

Papyrus had to admit, this scheme was quite possibly the most thought out luck based idea he ever heard.

"JUST WHEN I THINK YOU'RE GOING SOFT, YOU GO AND SURPRISE ME. WELL DONE."

That caught Sans off guard. Papyrus actually complimented him? This must mean hell froze over.

"wow...um...thanks, bro."

Something comes to Papyrus's thoughts.

"HOLD ON..."

"what?"

"DOESN'T THIS GO AGAINST YOUR PROMISE TO THE QUEEN? IF SHE WAS THIS MAD THINKING WE LOST THE HUMAN, I CAN'T IMAGINE THE LEVELS HATE THEY WILL COME IF WE ACTUALLY TURNED THE HUMAN OVER TO THE KING."

"*scoff* who said anything about turning the human over to the king?"

This was confusing.

"THEN...WHAT?"

Sans strums his fingertips on the couch cushion.

"pap...that human ain't normal. she can't end up in the king's grasp."

This got Papyrus's attention.

"YOU'VE BEEN HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME, HAVEN'T YOU?"

Sans doesn't reply and stops tapping his fingers.

"I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING, SANS. AND WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S THE REASON YOU ARE THAT GIRL'S 'SECRET BUDDY'."

Sans sighs.

"if i told you, you wouldn't believe me."

Papyrus folds his arms.

"TRY ME."

Sans looks at his brother and then the floor. Thinking this over for a moment. He knew this day would come. The day he'd tell Papyrus about the weird things he's seen Lynsie do and of the Black Soul. There were still doubts his brother would think any of it was true. But he hated having to lie about it more than he thought. So Sans sat up and patted the seat beside him.

"you'll want to sit for this. this is going to take a while."

Suspicious of what or how this conversation will go, Papyrus sits beside Sans and readies for this talk.

[Meanwhile: Snowdin Forest]

Toriel, Flowey, and I are at last heading back to the Ruins with a large carryout bag that is driving me nuts with how good it smells. At least I have a large soda to tide me over till we get home. Cooking with Grillby during a magic flux was both good and bad. The good part was Grillby helping to settle me down when my emotions began to overwhelm. The bad part was Grillby's form of 'help' was to convert the negative emotions into positive ones by having 'fun' with me. While his 'fun' is enjoyable, hot as fuck too, I found it uncomfortable due to Toriel being around and I'd rather not have more evidence than the hickey for her to find. Lucky for us all, she hasn't noticed the hickey thanks to tying the bandanna higher and tighter, no way this curtain is falling away. Actually, now that I think about it, she hasn't seemed to notice my chipped tooth, either that or she's waiting to ambush me about it later. Until then, I have time to think of a lie. No point having her mad at the skele-bros even more so.

"I am glad you both are coming home. I am not used to the quiet as I once was."

"The feeling is mutual."

"And those boys...You do not suppose that they are upset with me. Right?"

"Sans? Probably not. Papyrus? That's a high maybe."

"Should we have gone to apologize?"

"Let them relax a bit. Remember how the people got all jumpy seeing you at the bar? Showing up to their house, even with good intentions, could still end up going bad."

"Hmmm...I suppose you are right."

"You'll have your chance to say sorry. He'll come knocking as he often does. Not sure about Papyrus. But I think it's better not to try with him so soon."

Toriel looks at the bag in her paw-like hands. And again, why are they paws and hot hooves? Why am I fixated on that?

"Ooof!"

I get distracted by my strange monster hand thoughts and trip over a snow poff...But I saved the soda!

"Child? Are you alright?"

"*muffled* Yeah..."

I pick myself up.

"I'm just embarrassed is all."

"Oh, that good. I was worried you...Child?"

"Huh?"

"What happened to your tooth?"

Well...shit. Guess it's time to see how well I can improvise.

"My tooth?"

I feel around for the chipped space and I gasp.

"Holy crap!"

I frantically look around in the snow for something I know isn't there.

"No, no, no, no, no, no!"

"Lynsie, calm down. We shall fix it."

"Can this be healed with magic?"

She pouts.

"No, I am afraid not. At most, magic can be used to install the replacement and mold it into the tooth that was lost. But to regrow a damaged or missing part of the body is even beyond the ways of magic."

So there are limits? Damn it. I guess that's a good thing. No one can go nuts thinking they're god.

"So you can put in a cap?"

"I will have to practice. But I should be able to do so."

"...You are so cool, Nanny."

She blushes and I resume drinking as we continue on our way homeward bound.

[Meanwhile: Hotland's Laboratory]

Alphys remained at the monitors the entire day in hopes of catching some of the ongoing plots she was lucky enough to indulge in. While she received no footage from the lone camera in Waterfall, apart from the passing of Mettaton in his search for the human, she did get plenty of sweet action from the cameras in Snowdin's forest. The storming out of the former Queen and the defensive battle Papyrus had to put up was thrilling. It was a shame she couldn't get any clear footage when things happened in town. From what sound she did pick up, the incident was a spectral worthy of recording. Mettaton had returned in disappointment some time into all this. Lamenting how he missed his chance to be a real star and get the girl, or some other dumb line he made up. And now he's just a noisy pain in the ass.

"*DRAMATIC SOBS* HOW COULD I NOT FIND HER? WITH ALL THE GADGETS IN THIS BODY I COULDN'T TRACE A SIMPLE CELLPHONE SIGNAL? A POX ON THIS FEEBLE TECH!"

"Hey! Don't you fucking talk down to my work. Without that feeble tech, you wouldn't have a body. Do you want me to take it back?"

"N-NO! NO, DEAR. I...UM...I AM MERELY UPSET. NOTHING I SAY SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY WHEN LIKE THIS."

Alphys sneers and returns to her viewing.

"I don't know why you're even being a bitch right now. It's not like you can't get the human."

This gets the melodramatic robot's attention.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SANS FOUND HER. SHE'S BACK UNDER THE SKELETON'S WATCH...RIGHT?"

The lizard in the lab coat snickers to herself.

"Oh, you sad bucket of bolts and ectoplasm. Fetch me a bag of chips and I shall show you the meaning of hope."

It took a moment for that to register in his processors and he kicked his servos into high gear, moving faster then the wicked woman had seen in a long time. Hell, he nearly slams the bag into her face when he skids to her side.

"HERE! NOW SHOW ME! SHOW ME! SHOW ME! SHOW ME! SHOW ME! SHOW ME!"

"Oh my god! Here! Now shut the fuck up!"

She pushes a button or two and the screens pull up the video feed of right outside the Ruins. His sensors pick up the visual of the Queen and the human as they reenter the Ruins.

"Now you know where she is. The question now...What do you plan to do next?"

Mettaton, in an extremely rare moment, is silent.

"Really? Nothing? No over the top act or some line about being the hero or some other bullshit?"

Mettaton merely rolls away.

"Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going?"

He pauses. Turning to her with an eerie innocence, like calm waters hiding a hungry shark.

"WHERE? TO THE DRAWING BOARD, DEAR ALPHYS. I HAVE A NEW SCRIPT TO PREPARE. A CAST TO ASSEMBLE. AND NO TIME TO LOSE."

He continues his exit by rolling backwards ominously.

"THIS IS MERELY THE INTERMISSION. A TO BE CONTINUED IF YOU WILL. THE SHOW MUST GO ON, ALPHYS. AND IT WILL GO ON. HA...HA...AHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Well, that's not creepy at all. What sort of hell did Alphys just unleash? Oh well, at least it's entertaining.

[obfuscobble]

junopsis replied to your post :

wait, it goes full cyber city oedo?   

OK so I stayed up til 1:00 finishing this bih of a manga and i just woke up and let me tell you i was disappoint.  it goes beyond oedo.  and although the vampres technically get explained, all the time spent on them still feels like wasted effort, especially the little brother subplot that kinda goes nowhere emotionally.  and in the end, the very character of gantz gets sterilised completely.  i mean i enjoyed helpful albino man but you can’t tell me he’s the same dude who was cussing out everyone for a year.  the final showdown against the alien bishounen was pretty anticlimactic like... i mean... y’all just gonna kill for killing’s sake?  this spaceship is going to self destruct anyway.  maybe i as a reader want to feel for bishounen alien because Saint Kurono brutally killed alien bishie’s younger brother and a THEME of this work has been the sanctity and power of familial love between brothers.  the moral of “humans are but as ants; humanity is nothing but data; your existence is an object” falls flat from the Monoliths/Progenitors/Super-Aliens because betches y’all are just atoms too so don’t act high and mighty just because you can access another dimension.  “we helped humanity on a whim” ok betches but you helped humanity so COMMIT i s2g.

Kurono isn’t even that great of a protag after his personality improves.  He’s a piece of shit in the beginning but then he turns into a good leader and that’s cool.  I liked that part.  But i was NEVER convinced about his Pure Love because let me tell you his Pure Love shifts dramatically to affix to whatever girl has sex with him and he even admits it on page.  I want to believe in your relationships, dude, but they’re all directed by your dick alone.  the whole two kuronos thing was a slap to the face and punch to the literary gut because it’s solving the shittiest love triangle in a way that devalues one of my favourite characters, Helpful Old Man Who Still Loves His Dead Wife and Who Opens Up HIs Heart and Home to my Other Favourite Characters Muscle Rider and His Adopted Son Takeshi.  Reika just get over him.  Reika there are better romantic options.  Reika you only exist so that we can have a love triangle where the average teenage boy attracts the attention of waifu idol, and also to help gather people verrrry late in the game.  and even then reika is only existing explicity to be objectified by others despite her small growth as a warrior.  it’s just stupid and skeevy.

Also i came to hate the continual sexualisation of teenagers.  maybe i’m just an old man but let me explain.  i understand that teenagers gonna bang but it’s the author’s choice to Show the banging and thereby be ogling teens.  it’s very close to the argument about a fictional versus a real woman walking around the city topless.  it’s the real woman’s choice, but the fictional character does not REALLY have the choice even if being topless makes sense for her character.  like say that there’s a 15 year old changing into a swimsuit so she can swim with her friend at the beach.  she and her friend are talking while she does this, so obviously to present the dialogue you need to show something.  You could show the girl’s head and shoulders, or her bare feet under the changing room door.  But it becomes the absolute Authorial CHOICE to violate this 14 year old’s privacy by showing her stark naked while she changes.  The author controls the camera.  And the author of Gantz chose to control the camera right into teen sex lives.  And that makes me feel a bit icky.  I’ll even compare it to other parts of Gantz.  Humans who have had their clothes melted off by alien acid are struggling to survive in an alien mothership?  FINE.  That’s amping up the horror by treating humans as naked animals, and the equality of the nudity makes it clinical.  Monster takes the shape of a multibreasted woman while trapping her deceived lover?  FINE.  Again, that’s horror and the characters are adults.  Or heck, from the beginning of the manga, teen girl is teleported slice by slice to the waiting room after her death just like everyone else, and she committed suicide in the bathtub so she’s naked?  OKAY.  The situation has established parameters where this nudity is expected in the world and in the story it’s horrifying and a cause of concern.  A few volumes later and two 15 year olds who look like adults are banging graphically and I’m all DID WE NEED THIS????NOOOOO.

The art is really good though, and I won’t say I absolutely regretted reading it.  I just feel that it brought up a LOT of VERY INTERESTING moral dilemmas and then just shrugged and said “hey, sex and gore”.  And that’s my hottake on Gantz.  [I really liked the live action Gantz Movies, SO....]

[anthropophagusthebeast]

nothing is worth talking about but what else is there to do. yesterday was totally miserable, i failed at everything, and then as usual, as throughout my entire life, my own feelings about my own experience are a burden to others and that makes me a bad person. i wish i had just stayed in bed all day, then i wouldn’t have had to get into anything that just winds up directly engaging me with the fact that i’m beyond help and it’s a problem for everybody else, who would all be having a great time if it wasn’t for me. my whole stupid life. i just don’t want to do anything because i know how it turns out but i just feel so obligated. people get just as mad at you for “not trying” as they do when you try and it’s a big mistake. there’s no way out. nobody gets how all the “little things” amass into one big monolithic thing that only has one message and one character: your life is hard because it’s a waste of time. when you’re a shitty person, one of the problems is that people treat you like some new form of liar, like you’re just making it up that you can’t do anything right, it’s all a routine for the benefit of your captive audience, to disguise the fact that secretly you’re great and capable of anything. as if anybody has ever had a reason to fail on purpose, as if anybody has ever just refused to indulge in their own greatness for some perverse and unknowable reason. it’s so frustrating that while i’m trying so hard and failing so theatrically, there’s this perception that it’s all my choice, i could just Be Better if i didn’t insist on being so stupid and incompetent and uncomfortable. god it’s so fucking funny too that right in the middle of this day that was just one compound failure after another--failure to do something, and failure to simultaneously act like everything is perfect--my parents would bring up humiliating early childhood shit, and some of it not even early ENOUGH childhood shit to justify how stupid it was. i hate thinking about that stuff. while they were at it i should have busted out the story about how i submitted something for this special writing test and the proctor made an example of me in front of the whole entire room filled with my classmates, to show how even someone who you think is “smart” can be a really awful, boring writer with nothing to say. everyone thinks it’s funny that i’m depressed and everyone thinks that the things i hate myself for, i’m doing on purpose and could just stop at any time. i mean if i were capable of being at all different or better, i wouldn’t have to feel like this. i care about my family but so often i just feel like i’m sick of talking to them. i want to just leave them to their own devices so i don’t have to sit there conspicuously looking out the window with nothing to say while they gush over the news of the day or some celebrity event or just like, what it’s like to be a published writer and an overachiever of great talent. like what the fuck am i ever doing in that room, besides anxiously struggling to keep my behavior in check so nobody gets mad at me for having the wrong look on my face, which i invariably fail at. like if only i could just be nominally involved and send a warm greeting card whenever they’re getting together to share their amazing successes and everything. count me out. i get up in the morning and i feel pretty sick, which i announce, and i kind of wish it had factored in to how the rest of the day went, like maybe i could have at least gotten some forgiveness on my energy level or whatever, but it didn’t matter. nothing matters. for some reason i cannot communicate to my husband that i’m trying to plan our trip to the liquor store. i’m trying to say that i can either do groceries now and he can go later if he wants, or if he doesn’t want to do that, then i’ll just do my whole trip later, and for some reason he tells me that he can go AND that he doesn’t have a good reason to go, at the same time, and for several minutes there was just nothing i could do to get my point across so i could get a real answer. then i make this remark about someone having red hair, and honestly most of the reason i said it is that i can never get on the same page as him about what constitutes red hair, so i adjusted my identification to what i think he always says, and he disagreed with me AND explained why i was wrong. it just got me thinking about all the basic material things in life that we cannot agree on, like “what tastes salty to me tastes sweet to him” sounds like a ridiculous hyperbole but it’s a literal example that happens all the time and it just makes me feel so stupid or like i’m going insane, that we can’t even agree on black/white up/down type of designations. i sat there thinking about every example of this and thinking about how i have to stop caring about this, i have to stop caring about this, i have to stop caring about this. i have to stop caring. i’m always telling myself this because it’s the only thing that makes any sense. just stop caring. my caring about anything never makes the slightest difference in the world except that i get upset, and then other people are upset at me for being upset, like it’s something i’m doing to them. and of course while i’m gazing at my bookshelf thinking about my list of things to never bring up again--don’t say who has red hair, don’t say what things taste like, avoid every single topic where your husband is reliably going to say an inside out version of what you experience, just don’t talk about any of this stuff again, it doesn’t matter anyway--he of course is suddenly at my side with deep concern in his voice about whether i’m annoyed because we disagreed about the redhead. i was actually honest and remarked that we’ve never agreed about whether someone is a redhead in our entire relationship, and then we went on to disagree about some more redheads, and i GUESS it was good that i was honest because supposedly that’s always good, but was it really? did it matter THAT MUCH that i didn’t just absently refuse to say if something was on my mind? i mean what difference did it make? i have these fantasies all the time about just never speaking again because i’m always wrong and i always have to back off, but then it’s also “wrong” to not speak, or speak less, that is ALSO something bad and abusive that you are doing to other people in the process of just trying to avoid unnecessary and irresolvable conflicts that don’t go anywhere. then we have to play this game i made him get me for my stupid birthday, or more specifically i caused him to get an extra controller by suggesting that we could actually play together, which i should have known would be a bad idea; things had been ok the previous day but then all of the sudden he started playing to shut me out completely, he cleared every single screen by himself before i even got my crosshairs on anything, i was totally incapable of landing a single point and when i decided to just stop trying as an experiment, it didn’t change anything that was going on on the screen, he just completely took over like i wasn’t even there. it seemed like i had two choices: either quit and just let him have the thing all to himself which is what was effectively happening anyway, OR try to remind him that this is a cooperative-not-competitive game and i don’t really want to play if he wants to score every single point while i just sit there, which would have resulted in him sitting around politely twiddling his thumbs while i struggle to catch up, which sounded even worse to me. so i bailed and somehow that had to be controversial too. i mean i forced him to get this extra controller somehow, and now we have this thing in the house that he went out of his way to get, that we can’t use because i’m not good enough for that activity, or not even a good enough person. yet another fuckup of mine that cost effort and money to accomplish. more things to feel guilty about. like yet again i’m not allowed to just NOT do something where i’m only going to humiliate myself or waste someone else’s time. like what is this societal obligation to just grin and bash your head into the wall over and over again so nobody has to be mad at you for not participating. then we talked to my family and i guess i made an asshole out of myself by trying to escape attention, and i FELT like an asshole while i sat there with nothing to say while my husband led this whole conversation with them--except for the times that we had to talk about my bad, sad, failed children’s art. like i tell this story about an object that i thought was mercifully long gone, but my stepmother brings it up, a “book” i made at a library event when i was a little kid, which i remember so well because the librarians were desperately trying to get me to string more than two ideas together and i just couldn’t, i just couldn’t think of a story at all, not even a ripoff one like some of the stuff i would write later when i was trying to live up to the accusation of being “gifted”, even with them getting visibly frustrated with me and breathing down my neck trying to explain to my little retard self about what “beginning” “middle” and “end” mean. maybe they thought my parents would be mad because probably they paid for me to do this little workshop and if my thing came out bad then they’d be pissed, like when the school photographer jumped up my ass about how i wasn’t smiling enough and i was supposedly acting like I was “angry at the world” when all i was trying to do was not take a picture with my big stupid hideous toothy grin that i felt terrible about, but he was probably just trying to protect himself from angry parents. anyway and for some reason my father’s response to this is to bring up this unbearably pathetic story i did when i was a little too old to be making shit like that, this miserably serious x-men fan fiction that included a talking crayon. this seems to come up whenever i try to bow out of the idea that i’m “talented”, whenever i try to say that i’m not creative, which is really true, somebody wants to mention like the saddest most pathetic thing i’ve ever done in my life. i’m 39 years old and i’m still hearing about it. it makes me feel like garbage every time, at least for the reason that something terrible i did when i was 12 or something is still the most memorable work i ever produced, and everyone laughs and i’m supposed to like, enjoy this somehow, or take up the mantle of amusing everyone with what a piece of shit i am, and do it with a smile and a good attitude. like everyone knows i’m a piece of shit but i’m not allowed to FEEL like a piece of shit about it, what kind of life is that? so finally i removed myself from all of this and just hovered in the kitchen trying to do the one thing that i almost do right every week, which is make this one dinner when otherwise i totally fail year after year to contribute to the meals in this house, and i completely fucked it up. my husband could barely choke it down, it was terrible to see. i really don’t want to do it again, ever. and of course i made some remark about how he doesn’t have to eat it, and that was a bad thing to do too, that also made me a piece of shit, an even bigger one. ruining dinner. ruining the game. ruining my family’s good time. ruining groceries. ruining everything. all i want to do is kill myself but everyone would be mad at me for that, too. some of my most moving fantasies are about people telling me it’s ok if i kill myself. it’s just ok. i don’t have to feel bad about it and everyone understands that i have come to the mature and reasoned conclusion that my life is a huge waste of time; if i don’t like it, and neither does anybody else, then it’s obvious that i should end it, everyone will understand and forgive me and be glad that it’s over. but of course that would never happen. i just can’t win, i’m not competent to just get through a day uneventfully, and whenever i show who i really am or how i really feel everyone hates me for it. i hate myself. who wouldn’t hate themselves for, day after day, failing to do anything good, and then everyone treats you like it’s funny and you should be laughing. there’s just toil and misery and it’s fruitless. the paradoxical insistence that you make a clown out of yourself AND act like you like it AND act like actually you are also capable of great things just like everybody else, OR ELSE you have a bad attitude and everyone has the right to hate you for it. i just want to die, all the time. nothing works and nothing helps. i fantasize about having a brain aneurysm and dying in my sleep, or getting hit by a car, or catching a stray bullet, or anything where i just spontaneously expire and i don’t have to do anything ever again. like right now my husband is fucking grinding coffee in our bedroom which is totally and completely abnormal, just to avoid me. what the fuck am i supposed to do. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. communicate better than i can communicate. play better than i can play. be more creative and successful than i can be. cook better than i can cook. don’t be sad. don’t be confused. don’t be angry with myself about the same things nobody else likes about me either. don’t kill myself because then everyone else will be pissed off even more. like what could i possibly do to ameliorate things. just don’t be yourself, at all costs, do not ever be yourself. don’t escape. don’t forfeit. don’t quit. don’t have feelings. don’t have a hard time, ever. don’t stop trying to do things you’re bad at. don’t stop humiliating yourself. don’t stop acting like you like it. i wish my mother had had an abortion and i’m sure so did she. just kill me, please. or do i not deserve the fast death, either. i don’t want to do anything. just thinking about how i spent about $100 on trash bags because i was too stupid to figure out what to do. just thinking about walking out in the rain to “help” take the trash out, realizing that there was a problem, and having my husband yank the bad wrong bag i stupidly bought out of my hand and leave me standing there doing nothing while in front of me he dragged all the trash across the sidewalk by himself, shouting and cursing. and this is it, now he’s working in the bedroom. never happened before. it’s me, i’m garbage. i’m shit. maybe i’ll die. i ruined everything. because i ruined yesterday, i also ruined today. maybe it will turn out that yesterday i also ruined tomorrow. and on and on and on it will go. nobody knows what it’s like to just be trash. i’m afraid to stop typing because there’s nothing else to do. i can’t imagine going to yoga tonight. the only thing i feel in my body is this cortisol response. a cold rock in my stomach. imagining people laughing at me writing things like this and talking about what a pill i am after i’m dead. yesterday i was so upset that i started imagining animals, being deep in a forest somewhere and just taking comfort in the company of animals. it was alright until somehow the question came up of do i want to feel better, why don’t i just choose to, and i couldn’t respond to that. i just feel so bad. intellectually i’d like to feel better because then i wouldn’t have this exhausting problem. but it’s hard to imagine from where i’m standing, when i feel like i have this bottomless supply of grief that i can’t just pretend isn’t there. maybe i would like for people to feel more sorry for me, is that it? when i try to admit this stuff i start comparing myself to my most intensely selfish friend and it disgusts me but maybe that’s why we’re friends, because secretly i want everyone to pity me just as much as he openly demands pity. i guess it makes him better than me that he’s more honest about it. but like i don’t need people to somehow uplift the idea of me or anything. i just want to be dismissed. i want people to say “ah yes, claire can’t do this, she can’t do anything, we’ll just leave her out of it,” and then i want them to really do that and not roll their eyes at me or laugh at me or yell at me or treat me like i’m secretly depriving them all of something they deserve. just leave me alone. just believe me when i describe how i’m incompetent, or even demonstrate it! that’s probably the worst thing, just not being believed. when you’re trying desperately to explain your sense of reality and everyone just turns it inside out because it’s not convenient for them. because nobody in the world feels the way you do. i hate the way people treat the suicidal. i hated that documentary where the kid kills himself and his stupid friend dissects his suicide note to explain that it was all bullshit because all teenagers feel that way. well obviously all teenagers do not really feel that way because all teenagers do not kill themselves; they have good days and some bad days, they don’t REALLY hate themselves, they strive to be liked and have friends because they realize it’s possible, they get over it, whatever “it” is. just because someone isn’t eloquent enough to explain to you convincingly that their life is agony doesn’t mean that their agony isn’t authentic, that it’s just shallow childhood bullshit. nobody truly believes that you’re in pain until it’s too late, and then even after that, they develop all these theories about how your pain was inappropriate and flimsy enough to have been dispelled with a cup of coffee and a hug, so basically it’s your own fault for not “reaching out”. and now we’ve reached the desired conclusion, that it’s ok for you to be angry at people who experience lethal psychological pain because they were just being shallow lazy selfish jerks to rudely spoiled your day by choosing to make sure they never lived through another meaningless day again. 

[mystery-inc-unsolved]

Psychosis- Part 4/5

Friday

At least I think that it’s Friday. I broke everything electronic. I smashed my computer to pieces. Every single thing on there could have been accessed by network access, or worse, altered. I’.m a programmer, I know. Every little piece of information I gave out since this started - My name, my email, my location - none of it came back from outside until I gave it out. I’ve been going over and over what I wrote. I’ve been pacing back and forth, alternating between stark terror and overpowering disbelief. Sometimes I’m absolutely certain some phantom entity is dead set on the simple goal of getting me to go outside. Back to the beginning, with the phone call from Amy, she was effectively asking me to open the door and go outside.

I keep running through it in my head. One point of view says I’ve acted like a madman, and all of this is the extreme convergence of probability - never going outside at the right times by pure luck, never seeing another person by pure chance, getting a random nonsense email from some computer virus at just the right time. The other point of view says that extreme convergence of probability is the reason that whatever’s out there hasn’t gotten me already. I keep thinking: I never opened the window on the third floor. I never opened the front door, until that incredibly stupid stunt with the hidden camera after which I ran straight to my room and slammed the door. I haven’t opened my own solid door since I flung open the front door of the building. Whatever’s out there - if anything’s out there - never made an ‘appearance’ in the building before I opened the front door. Maybe the reason it wasn’t in the building already was that it was elsewhere getting everyone else… and then it waited until I betrayed my existence by trying to call Amy. A call which didn’t work, until it called me and asked me my name.

Terror literally overwhelms me every time I try to fit the pieces of this nightmare together. That email - short, cut off - was it from someone trying to get the word out? Some friendly voice desperately trying to warn me before it came? Seen with my own eyes, don’t trust them - exactly what I’ve been so suspicious of. It could have masterful control of all things electronic, practicing its insidious deception to trick me into coming outside. Why can’t it get in? It knocked on the door - it must have some solid presence, the door, the image of those doors in the upper hallway as guardian monoliths flashes back in my mind every time I trace this path of thoughts. If there is some phantom entity trying to get me to go outside, maybe it can’t get through doors. I keep thinking back over all the books I’ve read, or movies I’ve seen, trying to generate some explanation for this. Doors have always been such intense foci of human imagination, always seen as wards or portals of special importance. Or perhaps the door is just too thick? I know that I couldn’t bash through any of the doors in this building, let alone the heavy basement ones. Aside from that, the real question is, why does it even want me? If it just wanted to kill me, it could do it any number of ways, including just waiting until I starve to death. What if it doesn’t want to kill me? What if it has some far more horrific fate in store for me? God, what can I do to escape this nightmare?!

A knock on the door…

**********

I told the people on the other side of the door I need a minute to think and I’ll come out. I’m really just writing this down so I can figure out what to do. At least this time I heard their voices. My paranoia - and yes, I recognize I’m being paranoid - has me thinking of all sorts of ways that their voices could be faked electronically. There could be nothing but speakers outside, simulating human voices. Did it really take them three days to come to talk to me? Amy is supposedly out there, along with two policemen and a psychiatrist. Maybe it took them three days to think of what to say to me - the psychiatrist’s claim could be pretty convincing if I decided to think this has all been a crazy misunderstanding, and not some entity trying to trick me into opening the door.

The psychiatrist had an older voice, authoritarian but still caring. I liked it. I’m desperate just to see someone with my own eyes! He said I have something called cyber-psychosis, and I’m just one of a nationwide epidemic of thousands of people having breakdowns triggered by a suggestive email that ‘got through somehow.’ I swear he said ‘got through somehow.’ I think he means spread throughout the country inexplicably, but I’m incredibly suspicious that the entity slipped up and revealed something. He said I am part of a wave of ‘emergent behavior’, that a lot of other people are having the same problem with the same fears, even though we’ve never communicated.

That neatly explains the strange email about the eyes that I got. I didn’t get the original triggering email. I got a descendant of it - my friend could have broken down too, and tried to warn everyone he knew against his paranoid fears. That’s how the problem spreads, the psychiatrist claims. I could have spread it, too, with my texts and instant messages online to everybody I know. One of those people might be melting down right now, after being triggered by something I sent them, something they might interpret any way that they want, something like a text saying seen anyone face to face lately? The psychiatrist told me that he didn’t want to ‘lose another one’, that people like me are intelligent, and that’s our downfall. We draw connections so well that we draw them even when they shouldn’t be there. He said it’s easy to get caught up in paranoia in our fast-paced world, a constantly changing place where more and more of our interaction is simulated.

I have to give him one thing. It’s a great explanation. It neatly explains everything. It perfectly explains everything, in fact. I have every reason to shake off this nightmarish fear that something or consciousness or being out there wants me to open the door so it can capture me for some horrible fate worse than death. It would be foolish, after hearing that explanation, to stay in here until I starve to death just to spite the entity that might have got everyone else. It would be foolish to think that, after hearing that explanation, I might be one of the last people left alive on an empty world, hiding in my secure basement room, spiting some unthinkable deceptive entity just by refusing to be captured. It’s a perfect explanation for every single strange thing I’ve seen or heard, and I have every reason in the world to let all of my fears go, and open the door.

That’s exactly why I’m not going to.

How can I be sure?! How can I know what’s real and what’s deception? All of these damn things with their wires and their signals that originate from some unseen origin! They’re not real, I can’t be sure! Signals through a camera, faked video, deceptive phone calls, emails! Even the television, lying broken on the floor - how can I possibly know it’s real? It’s just signals, waves, light… the door! It’s bashing on the door! It’s trying to get in! What insane mechanical contrivance could it be used to simulate the sound of men attacking the heavy wood so well?! At least I’ll finally see it with my own eyes… there’s nothing left in here for it to deceive me with, I’ve ripped apart everything else! It can’t deceive my eyes, can it? Seen with your own eyes don’t trust them they… wait… was that desperate message telling me to trust my eyes, or warning me about my eyes too?! Oh my god, what’s the difference between a camera and my eyes? They both turn light into electrical signals - they’re the same! I can’t be deceived! I have to be sure! I have to be sure!

[talesofhorrorofficial]

Psychosis (Part Four)

Friday

At least I think that it’s Friday. I broke everything electronic. I smashed my computer to pieces. Every single thing on there could have been accessed by network access, or worse, altered. I’m a programmer, I know. Every little piece of information I gave out since this started – my name, my email, my location – none of it came back from outside until I gave it out. I’ve been going over and over what I wrote. I’ve been pacing back and forth, alternating between stark terror and overpowering disbelief. Sometimes I’m absolutely certain some phantom entity is dead set on the simple goal of getting me to go outside. Back to the beginning, with the phone call from Amy, she was effectively asking me to open the door and go outside.

I keep running through it in my head. One point of view says I’ve acted like a madman, and all of this is the extreme convergence of probability – never going outside at the right times by pure luck, never seeing another person by pure chance, getting a random nonsense email from some computer virus at just the right time. The other point of view says that extreme convergence of probability is the reason that whatever’s out there hasn’t gotten me already. I keep thinking: I never opened the window on the third floor. I never opened the front door, until that incredibly stupid stunt with the hidden camera after which I ran straight to my room and slammed the door. I haven’t opened my own solid door since I flung open the front door of the building. Whatever’s out there – if anything’s out there – never made an ‘appearance’ in the building before I opened the front door. Maybe the reason it wasn’t in the building already was that it was elsewhere getting everyone else… and then it waited, until I betrayed my existence by trying to call Amy… a call which didn’t work, until it called me and asked me my name…

Terror literally overwhelms me every time I try to fit the pieces of this nightmare together. That email – short, cut off – was it from someone trying to get word out? Some friendly voice desperately trying to warn me before it came? Seen with my own eyes, don’t trust them – exactly what I’ve been so suspicious of. It could have masterful control of all things electronic, practicing its insidious deception to trick me into coming outside. Why can’t it get in? It knocked on the door – it must have some solid presence… the door… the image of those doors in the upper hallway as guardian monoliths flashes back in my mind every time I trace this path of thoughts. If there is some phantom entity trying to get me to go outside, maybe it can’t get through doors. I keep thinking back over all the books I’ve read or movies I’ve seen, trying to generate some explanation for this. Doors have always been such intense foci of human imagination, always seen as wards or portals of special importance. Or perhaps the door is just too thick? I know that I couldn’t bash through any of the doors in this building, let alone the heavy basement ones. Aside from that, the real question is, why does it even want me? If it just wanted to kill me, it could do it any number of ways, including just waiting until I starve to death. What if it doesn’t want to kill me? What if it has some far more horrific fate in store for me? God, what can I do to escape this nightmare?!

A knock on the door…

—

I told the people on the other side of the door I need a minute to think and I’ll come out. I’m really just writing this down so I can figure out what to do. At least this time I heard their voices. My paranoia – and yes, I recognize I’m being paranoid – has me thinking of all sorts of ways that their voices could be faked electronically. There could be nothing but speakers outside, simulating human voices. Did it really take them three days to come talk to me? Amy is supposedly out there, along with two policemen and a psychiatrist. Maybe it took them three days to think of what to say to me – the psychiatrist’s claim could be pretty convincing, if I decided to think this has all been a crazy misunderstanding, and not some entity trying to trick me into opening the door.

The psychiatrist had an older voice, authoritarian but still caring. I liked it. I’m desperate just to see someone with my own eyes! He said I have something called cyber-psychosis, and I’m just one of a nationwide epidemic of thousands of people having breakdowns triggered by a suggestive email that ‘got through somehow.’ I swear he said ‘got through somehow.’ I think he means spread throughout the country inexplicably, but I’m incredibly suspicious that the entity slipped up and revealed something. He said I am part of a wave of ‘emergent behavior’, that a lot of other people are having the same problem with the same fears, even though we’ve never communicated.

That neatly explains the strange email about eyes that I got. I didn’t get the original triggering email. I got a descendant of it – my friend could have broken down too, and tried to warn everyone he knew against his paranoid fears. That’s how the problem spreads, the psychiatrist claims. I could have spread it, too, with my texts and instant messages online to everybody I know. One of those people might be melting down right now, after being triggered by something I sent them, something they might interpret any way that they want, something like a text saying seen anyone face to face lately? The psychiatrist told me that he didn’t want to ‘lose another one’, that people like me are intelligent, and that’s our downfall. We draw connections so well that we draw them even when they shouldn’t be there. He said it’s easy to get caught up in paranoia in our fast paced world, a constantly changing place where more and more of our interaction is simulated…

I have to give him one thing. It’s a great explanation. It neatly explains everything. It perfectly explains everything, in fact. I have every reason to shake off this nightmarish fear that some thing or consciousness or being out there wants me to open the door so it can capture me for some horrible fate worse than death. It would be foolish, after hearing that explanation, to stay in here until I starve to death just to spite the entity that might have got everyone else. It would be foolish to think that, after hearing that explanation, I might be one of the last people left alive on an empty world, hiding in my secure basement room, spiting some unthinkable deceptive entity just by refusing to be captured. It’s a perfect explanation for every single strange thing I’ve seen or heard, and I have every reason in the world to let all of my fears go, and open the door.

That’s exactly why I’m not going to.

How can I be sure?! How can I know what’s real and what’s deception? All of these damn things with their wires and their signals that originate from some unseen origin! They’re not real, I can’t be sure! Signals through a camera, faked video, deceptive phone calls, emails! Even the television, lying broken on the floor – how can I possibly know it’s real? It’s just signals, waves, light… the door! It’s bashing on the door! It’s trying to get in! What insane mechanical contrivance could it be using to simulate the sound of men attacking the heavy wood so well?! At least I’ll finally see it with my own eyes… there’s nothing left in here for it to deceive me with, I’ve ripped apart everything else! It can’t deceive my eyes, can it? Seen with your own eyes don’t trust them they… wait… was that desperate message telling me to trust my eyes, or warning me about my eyes too?! Oh my god, what’s the difference between a camera and my eyes? They both turn light into electrical signals – they’re the same! I can’t be deceived! I have to be sure! I have to be sure!

[100wordanime]

Overview:

In the near future a virus called Gastrea that can turn humans into monsters has broken out. Highly contagious, and very feared, war breaks out but very few survive. Those who do, live in regions surrounded by massive monoliths made of a material called Varanium which repels/hurts the Gastrea. To fight the gastrea, partners made up of a promoter (human) and an initator (one of the female cursed children who contain the Gastrea virus but have a slow rate of infection) fight as civil servants to defend the growing threat to what remains of Tokyo.

Review – This one is going to be spoiler heavy:

I watched Black Bullet once, a few years ago (probably just after it finished airing or sometime around then) and I remember not having liked it very much. Recently I stumbled upon this series on Crunchyroll and tried to remember what my problem with the series was and I drew a blank. Actually, I drew a blank on more or less everything to do with this anime other than the fact that the title didn’t really make a lot of sense. Sure, main character Rentarou does use a gun occasionally, and yes, his bullets are made of varanium which is black, but as he tends to punch or kick things as often as shoot them and the gun has no significance to the story, I’m still totally lost on why the show is called Black Bullet.

Yes, he is a villain. Can’t you tell?

What I realised while rewatching this was that sitting underneath all the things that either annoyed me or made me feel a little disconnected from the events, is actually a pretty intense story full of rich emotion and great (if slightly obvious) questions about humanity as a whole. Unfortunately, the anime seems determined to help you overlook all of its positives in exchange for the generic and the lame and the balance between the two isn’t great.

Kisara is the best character to exemplify what I mean by this. Going heavily into spoiler territory.

For most of the series I was wondering why Kisara even existed (having forgotten how the story ended her character seemed entirely superfluous and mostly I’d written her off as the character who would probably die right before the final battle – I know now why that wouldn’t have worked but possibly the story should have done a bit more with her earlier). Anyway, Kisara’s role is completely ill-defined and as a result she’s either absent for extended periods early on (to the point where you forget who se is) or she’s shifting into whichever anime trope they’d currently like her to portray.

Basically, she’s Rentarou’s boss. Though other than one scene early on where she’s telling him off and another later on where she essentially orders him to let her work underneath him (that makes sense) you almost always forget that she ‘runs’ the company. Mostly because the company makes no sense. Why do civil servants need a private company when essentially they get hired more or less directly by the leader of the city anyway? Cut out of the middle man, or lady, so to speak and nothing would have changed.

And it is this absence of any meaningful role that hurts Kisara. As the story goes on you learn that she feel indebted to Rentarou because when her parents died he was horribly injured… tragic back story, childhood promises, angsty teens, got it.

At one point the story sends an assassin after her, because why not? I’m guessing technically they did that because Rentarou was protecting the target but why not send the assassin after the actually civil servant rather than the civil servant’s boss? For a few moments, Kisara gets to show off her cool sword skills that we’ve seen her practice but never use and then somehow, right before Rentarou shows up, she gets to fall and become helpless. Then, a few moments later, she gets to ‘save’ Rentarou before collapsing into his arms all frail and helpless again. Pick a side already. Are you strong and fiery or are you the damsel?

Another point in the series has both Kisara and Rentarou begin teaching at an open air school for the cursed children. They all fall in love for Rentarou (another issue with the show I’m going to get back to later) but Kisara mostly just stands at the front and occasionally interjects a comment. Her presence there would have been completely unmissed if they’d just not drawn her. When the school and all the students are blown up, Rentarou is the one who walks in on the police doing the clean up because Kisara slept in. Rentarou is the one who identifies the bodies and mourns at the hospital before having to deal with Enju (his partner and also a cursed child) as she discovers what has happened and mourns. All Kisara does is wait for him to come back. She taught at the school too, so why doesn’t she get any of these moments?

By the time we get to the end, there’s so many other things happening that Kisara becomes a point that you just kind of toss to the side, which is kind of a mistake given where they take her character in the final episode. If Kisara had been introduced in episode 8 or 9 (as a lot of other characters were) and had taken that character arc to episode 13, it could have been brilliant. From trained fighter but inexperienced in actual combat and starting out with a new partner under someone uncertain of his own command, heart burning with revenge for a previous wrong that was linked to the current wrong, to the character who coldly executes her revenge without another thought and clearly understands that she’s drawn a line between herself and Rentarou, it is an excellent character arc. But you don’t get to enjoy that arc because of all the other rubbish that this character has been put through prior to them using her for anything of value.

Spoilers continuing.

As I said before that extended ramble, it kind of exemplifies everything I loved and found problematic with this show in one character. Black Bullet has some truly heart wrenching moments and some really interesting moral conundrums to throw at the characters and the audience. It has moments of poignancy that just hit home hard. The final scene with Enju and Rentarou on the train where Rentarou finally lets everything that has happened over the past few days hit him and he breaks down weeping, head buried in Enju’s lap, is the perfect final note for these two characters after everything they’ve gone through. When the show plays the drama and emotion of the scene it gets it right and it does this enough throughout the series that you can’t just dismiss this as frivolous. Yet, it can’t commit to those moments either.

Rentarou could have been a truly interesting protagonist but he is plagued by the every single cursed child falling in love with him syndrome and self-aware harem and pervert jokes being thrown at him by all of the older women in his life (boss, patron, doctor who saved his life and now… hangs around). The relationship Rentarou is forging throughout the series with Enju is touching and heartwarming but when he plays the same big brother character to Tina and the blind girl and everyone else and they just sign up for the ‘I love Rentarou’ club it kind of buries some of the better Enju and Rentarou moments.

Enju’s insistence that Rentarou is going to marry her isn’t as irritating as it might be in other shows where an overpowered little sister character makes such a declaration. In this, it is heart breaking. You know Enju doesn’t have the time and any dreams she has of growing up are just that, dreams. They will never be fulfilled so Rentarou has no need to puncture that ideal of hers, but you can see it twists a knife into his heart every time she says it.

There’s a moment fairly early in the series where Enju has been to the doctor and they’ve checked her ‘corrosion’ level. Essentially once it hits 50% Enju is going to be killed because otherwise she’s going to turn into a Gastrea. Rentarou lies to her and tells Enju her level is somewhere in the 20’s when in fact she’s in the 40’s. Enju’s time is really close. That’s dramatic and you can see the look on Rentarou’s face as he lies and then in case you didn’t get it, he looks deliberately at the charm she gave him which was meant to break if he didn’t tell the truth and he’s removed it prior to speaking to her. It’s a great moment. That never, ever gets revisited. Enju’s corrosion level never comes up again in the entire series.

One final issue I had with this before I get on with recommending why you should watch this show anyway despite the fact that I did just spoil most of it, and that is Takuto. I get that in all of these types of stories there’s that one idiot who is out for his own agenda and has it in for the ‘hero’ to the point where he’ll do something stupid. But there’s a time and a place for stupidity. This guy takes it to a new extreme and what really bothers me about this is he doesn’t do it alone. A whole group of soldiers help him sabotage the only line of defence the city has in that final battle. What were they thinking? Even if someone successfully argued that Takuto was just mental, what about the others who contributed to this scheme? If the line falls, all of you are going to die. Did that not somehow sink in? Anyway, Takuto gets the award for an act that is just too stupid for words and that is in a series where one of the earlier antagonists ends up just joining in the final battle because, why not.

So, yes, Black Bullet has its issues (not the least of which is a title that keeps making me type Black Butler and then having to correct). There’s a ridiculous harem set up, there’s overly cutesy moments thrown in to what is otherwise a fairly grim tale, there’s boob grabs, and totally unnecessary rivalries, and there’s some obviously stupid decision making along the way. Countering all of that though are some truly touching moments, some scenes that know exactly what they are doing, a lot of moral gray areas for our characters to walk, and fight sequences that are pretty good. There’s also a lot of violence and gushy purple/blue liquid usually stained by blood.

There’s no problem when a show tries to mix drama and comedy. Many shows manage to successfully add levity to fairly heavy plots in order to not depress the audience entirely. The issue with this show is it never finds the right balance and you are never quite sure if this was ever supposed to be a serious drama (though the ending kind of leaves no room for doubt that this situation was dark and the cost of survival is high). But that means that for a lot of the run time you are switching between cute girls doing cute things, cute girls killing things, two teenagers out for revenge/justice/money, a whole bunch of other characters with similarly ill-defined motives, and then some monster bug things thrown in just to stir things up. All and all, it is just a little bit messy.

For my second watch I had a lot of fun with this though I honestly don’t see me going for a third watch. Providing of course I remember it this time.

Are you a fan of 100WordAnime.blog?

If you like this site and you like what I do, consider becoming a patron.

Thanks,

Karandi James.

Black Bullet Series Review - This could have been great, maybe. Overview: In the near future a virus called Gastrea that can turn humans into monsters has broken out.