#like a month back now u. might remember that the day i was supposed to get feedback on my outline i literally ended up

[nomairuins]

i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

[fappellmoan]

anyway. i am going to be SO incredibly livid and angry and throwing an absolute tantrum on thursday if i dont get good feedback on my script.

[chaoticforever]

Love’s Illusion (And Unfaithful Wounds) | Steve Rogers x Male! Reader

Summary: Whispers of doubt had always lingered in the back of Y/n’s mind. Nobody dared to utter them out loud, but everyone knew that nothing lasts forever. Still, Y/n had tried. He really did.

A/n: Remember when I made a short thought and said that I might turn into a fic one day? Well, I just did that. Enjoy :)

"Wow, Tony, this whole setup looks nice."

You were awestruck as you surveyed the candlelit dinner that Tony had set up for you and Steve. The sight before you was amazing, and the glass windows opened up to reveal a breathtaking panorama of the night sky with a perfect round moon. And the view of New York City that you two had from this area was unparalleled.

Today marked your and Steve's second anniversary and you decided to surprise him with his favorite home-cooked meal and an engraved metal band. The words Ti amo, Mio eroe — which translates to I love you, my hero — were written on the inside. This is a gift Steve would adore.

As you admired the beautiful ring, you couldn't help but feel a wave of nerves wash over you. You intended to propose to him with it and hoped he will say yes.

"Of course it's amazing; I designed this." Tony bragged with pride. "It's like I have a natural talent for designing just about anything. If there was an award for a big brother of the year, it would go to me."

"No, no, no; Thor's the one who deserves that award without question. He had to deal with his insane brother with daddy issues who tried to take over the world." The corners of your mouth curled up in a grin as you walked over to the table and set down two plates of food on it. "You'd be the second runner-up for that award."

"Ouch, Y/n." Tony placed his palm over his chest, over his heart. "Hearing you say that stung like a thousand needles. Since you don't believe I'm the best big brother ever, I suppose I'll have the bots come up here and renovate this space."

How quickly your grin disappeared. "No, Tones, please don't do that. Dum-E and U will disassemble this room exactly as they disassembled my room when I was ten." You walked around the table, giving your brother a lighthearted punch to the arm. "You already know you're the best big brother anyone could've asked for."

"Of course I'm the best, but it's nice to be reminded of that." The man laughed. "Anyways, the outfit you ordered arrived earlier, and I put it in your former room. Now that I've finished up here, I'm going to head down to the lab. I hope that you and Capsicle have a terrific evening."

"Thank you, Tony."

Just as your brother walked out of the room, your phone dinged in your pocket, signaling that you had received a text. You checked your messages and found that Natasha had informed you that she, Steve, and Bucky had returned from their assignment and that Steve was all yours.

Your response was a simple okay and then you went to the bathroom that was attached to your former room to shower.

You were looking forward to this dinner because you and Steve appeared to be growing apart as of late. While you were aware of his continued affection for you, you noticed that in the past five months, he has been spending the majority of his time with Bucky than you. You could not say that it didn't hurt because it did, but you can see why Steve longed to spend as much time as possible with his long- lost friend after they were reunited after spending more than seventy years apart.

Therefore, you were quite excited about your anniversary meal because you and Steve will have some time to yourselves. And if things are going well on the date, you two can take things to the next level in the bedroom. The cupids will love it.

After showering and changing into a sharp-looking black tuxedo, you went to your and Steve's private floor to retrieve him. You were looking forward to tonight and you knew that Steve had worked up an appetite after all of his fighting today.

As you opened the door to the bedroom, a radiant smile spread across your face. "Hey Steve, I hope you're hungry sinc—"

There was an immediate disappearance of the expression on your face, and your words died in your throat mid-sentence. The sight before you prevented you from completing the sentence that had been on the tip of your tongue. What the fuck.

You blinked three times in the hopes that your eyes were just deceiving you or that you would finally be free from this awful dream. And yet, this was no mere dream. What you saw was not a dream.

...What ...The... Fuck...

Steve was naked on your bed, but he was not alone. Bucky was there too, and he was naked as well. And you watched as Steve was kissing and fucking Bucky.

At this exact moment, you felt your heart rip painfully out of your chest and broke into a million pieces, tears welling up in the corners of your eyes. There he was, your boyfriend, the man you loved more than life itself, fucking his friend in your bed. Your whole life just collapsed.

There was a sharp intake of breath from the depths of your throat. "Oh, my God." After hearing your disbelieving whisper, the two soldiers turned to stare at you.

"Y/n." When Steve noticed you standing in the doorway, his eyes widened and he immediately got out of Bucky and stood up. Just as Steve put on his boxers, you snapped out of your stunned stupor and bolted out of the room "Y/n, wait! Please let me explain!" He shouted desperately.

You ignored the blonde super soldier who was calling out to you. With tears running down your cheeks, you opted to hasten towards your brother's private elevator, which would take you down to his workshop. How could Steve do this to you? You trusted him with your heart, but he broke it in one of the worst ways.

As the footsteps behind you begin to quicken, you round the corner where the elevator is and the doors swing open for you. Steve grabbed you by the shoulder, flipped you around, and put his hands on your waist to prevent you from entering. "Wait, Y/n." A pleading tone came from him, blue eyes gazing into your e/c ones.

"Wait for what, Steve?! Do you want me to wait for you to finish fucking Bucky in my bed, or wait for you to come up with a shitty explanation for what I just saw?"

"No, no, I just want to tell you the truth."

"Don't bother talking; I'm not interested in what you have to say... just let me go."

"Please—"

"I'm not interested in hearing what you have to say!" You shouted brokenly, and droplets still trickled down your cheeks. There wasn't any indication of anger on your part, and that was reflected in your tone. But there was no sugarcoating the hurt and utter betrayal that came from it. "Just... leave me alone, okay? I don't feel like speaking to you, nor do I want to see you. I cannot believe you would cheat on me..." Your voice cracked as you glanced at the man you had called your boyfriend. "Get off me..." Your voice was a whisper.

Steve, being the stubborn man he is, shook his head, arms tightening around your waist when you tried to draw away.

"The young boss has requested that you release him, Captain." FRIDAY'S icy voice pierced your ears, unimaginably chilling. "Let go of him, or I'll have to do it myself."

Now that the blonde heard the artificial intelligence's timbre — which sounded dangerously close to being scary, Steve gently releases you, and you back away to create some space between you two.

You reached into your pocket and threw a little, sleek box at him. "I was planning on giving that to you tonight during our anniversary dinner, but it's useless now. What you do with it is up to you. You can keep it or give it to Bucky if you want to." You stepped backward into the elevator. "Happy Anniversary, Rogers. We're over."

In the instant that followed, the elevator door shut before the super soldier could respond — a deliberate move by FRIDAY.

You let out a sigh as you shut your eyes, sniffling. God, you felt like such an idiot, thinking that Steve loved you when he was fucking Bucky behind your back.

The worst part is that you saw the signs but ignored them because you love him. Clearly, he doesn't feel the same though.

The moment you walked off the elevator, Tony was waiting there. You figured that FRIDAY had already informed him of the recent situation or shown him the video. The billionaire appeared ready to kill and he possessed a menacing appearance.

"I will kill Capsicle for what he did to you later." A moment later, his eyes softened. "Come here, Y/n." His arms opened wide.

You raced into Tony's arms, sobbing into his shoulder because there was nothing else you could do after tonight's events.

Steve broke you.

He broke your heart into pieces, and you didn't think it would ever be whole again.

XXXXX XXXXX

Weeks following the incident were grim.

To begin, you and Steve no longer share a bedroom, therefore you have returned to the one you had previously occupied. You both were not together anymore, so you knew that it was the correct choice, but you missed sharing a bed with him. You longed for his warm embrace and the comfort he always brought. Without Steve, the bed feels considerably colder.

And throughout those weeks, you made an effort to avoid both Steve and Bucky like the plague. Since you were the team hacker and proficient in multiple martial arts styles, the only times you could not escape them was during team missions, training exercises, and meetings. Other than this, you didn't spend any additional time with them because it hurt too much to be around them after what they did.

Your feelings of betrayal weren't limited to Steve; Bucky was just as guilty in your eyes. You made an effort to make Bucky feel at ease here, even if he was the tool used to murder your parents. Seeing him around the Compound, in the beginning, was hard since it brought up memories of the footage that showed him choking your mother to death and cracking your father's head. Even though you knew he was indoctrinated and couldn't be held responsible, it still hurt to see him here.

You accepted Bucky's apology for his acts as the Winter Soldier, notably the murder of your parents, and managed to forgive him since you recognized he was a victim. Eventually, you and he became friends, putting the past behind you two.

So, you felt betrayed by them both.

The other Avengers knew that there was something not quite right between you and Steve, but they didn't know what it was. Steve never gave them an honest answer, no matter how many times they asked. Therefore, Tony spilled the beans on everything that went down between you and Steve, and they did not take the news well. They were far from pleased.

The team was quite dissatisfied with Steve and Bucky, but Steve particularly so because he crushed your heart. Clint punched Steve after finding out because he couldn't understand why Steve would hurt you the way he did and wanted him to experience the same pain you felt.

Tony and Natasha insisted that Steve needed to pay for his actions, with Tony recommending that he should move out. You merely shook your head and stated that it wasn't necessary, knowing that he didn't have anywhere else to go and the team had to be together under one roof.

Really, you had no desire for vengeance against Steve. You wanted nothing more than to merely move on and find peace. But it appears that the universe is not on your side, since you were unable to find peace in your dreams. Just nightmares.

Like that night.

Within the dream, you found yourself standing on an all-too-familiar road. The road where your parents were murdered.

"Help... my wife... help my wife."

Oh, God. No, please. You hesitantly turned around and saw your parents, and you knew that your plea had been ignored; you were about to witness them die again. You tried to run, so you would not have to witness this, but it's like your feet are glued to the earth, stopping you.

Howard desperately called out to the stranger who pulled up on a motorcycle once he managed to get out of the car. Slowly, he attempted to crawl over to the individual in his peripheral vision before his head was lifted and he found himself gazing at him. "Sergeant Barnes?"

His voice trembled with recognition as Barnes' metal fist slammed into his face multiple times, leaving bloody marks on the older man's face. A subsequent blow to the head resulted in a fatal skull crack.

"Howard!" Mom; your loving, nice mom. She was a kind and generous soul who only wanted the best for you and Tony. You watched as Barnes strangled her to death, thus committing a double murder.

You closed your eyes, as your lips began to tremble, desperately fighting the tears that were coming from witnessing your parents' deaths again. Trying hard to block out the pain your parents went through. Regardless of your relationship with your father, he did not deserve that.

Now, the Winter Soldier looked at you.

"Is it ironic that the man who took your parents from you is the same one who took the love of your life from you? You should know now that Captain America will never love you the way you love him. Bucky will always be Steve's first choice, and you'll always be his second choice."

You felt your fists tighten as you realized the soldier was correct. Whenever given the choice between you and Bucky, the blonde would always choose Bucky. He could not love you the way he loved him.

You snapped awake and screamed —screamed so loud it sounded like a siren in the middle of the night, smashing into your ears. Your throat became very raw and felt like it was about to burst out of your body. Tears welled up in your eyes as you took a look around the room and remembered that you were by yourself. The comforting presence of the blonde soldier was no longer available to you.

You brought your knees up to your chest and couldn't help but wonder why Steve chose Bucky over you. Why were you not enough for him? Did he not love you too?

Maybe that's why, after weeks of Steve pleading with you to speak to him alone, you finally agreed to meet him at a local coffee shop. You needed answers, and Steve was the one who could give them.

"Why," The mutual silence was broken by your tone. "Did you cheat on me, Steve?"

The blonde looked shamefacedly at the table before meeting your e/c eyes. "I'm sorry I just…" He let out a long sigh. "We have been in love since the forties, and now that I have him back and we can be together without fear of social stigma, a part of me still wanted to be with Bucky. I found it impossible to choose between you and him since I was in love with you as well, so I ended up doing the selfish thing and decided to choose him, too."

You shook your head at his justification. "H-How long has this been going on...?"

"Ever since you went to Paris with Tony."

You blinked at the soldier because—

...What...?

Exactly eight months ago, you and Tony traveled to Paris to finalize a business agreement for Stark Industries. It's been eight months of Steve cheating on you.

In those eight months, every time you kissed, every time he held your hand, every time he held you in his arms, and every time you had sex, he was secretly seeing Bucky behind your back. You felt your heartbreak intensify from hearing that.

"You have been cheating on me for eight months." You shook your head, e/c eyes fixed on the blonde. "Why didn't you just tell me that you wanted to be with Bucky instead of cheating on me? I would have been hurt, but I would have understood."

"Because I'm an idiot and I didn't want to lose you," Steve confessed, pausing for a second as though to carefully consider his next words. "But this can be fixed. A couple of months ago, Bucky confessed to me that he had developed feelings for you, as well. There is something known as a polyamorous relationship in which we can all be together. Originally, I was planning to discuss this with you, but—"

"But rather than discussing it with me, you opted to cheat." Another head shake from you. "I have no desire to engage in a polyamorous relationship. I am strictly a one-person type of man." There was a sniffle from you. "And this can't be fixed, Steve. Before I mentioned that we were done and I will now say it again: we are done. I will not get back with a cheater."

You stood up and started to leave, but Steve intercepted your exit by grabbing your hand. You looked at him and felt a twinge of sadness as you realized that the blue of his eyes was the reflection of the tears that he had been holding back.

"Please, Y/n." The blonde's only option was to beg. "I know I've made mistakes, but we can fix this. I should have shared my thoughts with you sooner, but I loved you both and couldn't choose one of you."

"You already did," You murmured in a faraway whisper. "You chose Bucky over me as soon as you started sleeping with him, Steve. I hope that you're happy with him, but we're done now. Goodbye."

Pulling away from his grasp, you left the coffee shop as you wiped away the tear stains from your cheeks. You didn't even bother glancing in Steve's direction upon leaving, but the sound of his sobs in the private booth left you feeling a little sad. You still loved him deeply, but you knew you couldn't get back together with him.

You deserved better.

XXXXX XXXXX

You were running.

The soles of your sneakers made a loud thudding sound on the park's pavement as you ran through it. Since you haven't been going for morning runs in a while, you've decided to go to the park to clear your head and do some aerobic exercise.

Eventually, you stopped running and sat down on the closest bench to catch your breath. You shut your eyes and exhaled in short breaths, a thin coating of sweat covering your forehead and the back of your neck. You haven't gone for a run in quite some time, and now you're wishing you hadn't stopped since it's your body is not acclimated to running this much.

"Are you alright there, bub?"

When you glanced to your left, you noticed that the bench you were sitting on was already taken. There was a man sitting there with brown hair that danced in the breeze to nature's symphony and hazel eyes that were the softest brown tinged with green that spoke to the soul of nature. And he was smoking a cigar.

He's handsome, You thought privately.

"Yes, I'm fine." You answered, your heart still thumping loudly in your ears despite your breathing becoming normalized. "I just haven't gone running in some time."

"Fair enough." The mystery man nodded, then reached for the water bottle next to him, and held it out to you. "You want it? You look like you need it more than I do."

You normally wouldn't accept something from a stranger, but the weather was hot and your mouth was dry, so you took the water bottle the mysterious man offered.

"Thanks a lot, stranger." You unscrewed the water bottle's top and drank from it. The water's coolness was refreshing as it slid down your throat and you smiled.

The man's lips twitched a bit. "I'm Logan."

"It is nice to meet you, Logan. I'm Y/n." You introduced yourself. "So, is this, by chance, your first time here at the park?"

Logan shook his head. "No, I come here whenever I need to clear my head, either through running or other means. Though I can tell that this is your first time here since I have never seen you here before."

The other man wasn't wrong in his little assessment. You have never visited this before today. You and Steve used to go running in Central Park, but now you are doing it by yourself in Westchester, New York. Running here by yourself wouldn't bring up old memories of you and Steve.

And you're kinda glad you came running here today otherwise you wouldn't have met Logan — who gifted you with water.

"You're correct in that regard." You drank some more water before ascending and meeting his gaze. "Well, It's time for me to resume my run. Thanks, by the way, for the water. Maybe I'll run into you again and we can go running sometime."

"Or," Logan stood and put his cigar out. "We can go running right now. There's a river just down the path." He pointed his finger to emphasize its location. "There, we can have a race to see who is faster."

"No, no, no, no. You have been sitting on that bench for who knows how long, and running has simply drained me of all my energy. That is not fair and you know it."

"Life isn't fair, bub. Do you want to do it?"

You bit your lip, debating on what to do.

On one hand, you would almost surely lose this race because Logan is clearly more muscular and energetic than you.

Yet, you were not the type to back down from a challenge, and you were eager to carry on your conversation with Logan. From this quick meeting, you could tell there was something so intriguing about him, and you were curious to learn more.

Moreover, you did not want to return to the Compound anytime soon. If you did, you would likely catch Bucky and Steve together, which you did not wish to see.

Subconsciously, you knew what to do.

"Okay, fine, but — what the hell is that?!" You pointed behind Logan, causing him to turn around, and you raced down the path, your sneakers hammering fiercely against the earth. The truth is, there was nobody behind him, but you figured that claiming that would give you a headstart.

In the end, that headstart didn't help you at all because Logan ended up winning, which wasn't a surprise to anyone at all.

However, a positive development in your friendship with Logan started that day. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, you two would get up early and go for a run together. It was the one time of day that you both always looked forward to. You enjoy talking to the man despite his grumpy demeanor because of his witty, dry sense of humor, and you cannot help but stare at his ripped arms. Because of his tank top, it was impossible to resist.

Though, it wasn't just running that you looked forward to. After one of your runs with Logan, the male expressed interest in spending time with you outside of the park and asked if you would want to get some lunch with him. You accepted the brunet's suggestion and then you had to convince yourself that this wasn't a date but just the two guys hanging together.

The following Friday was the lunch hangout between you and Logan. The restaurant was pleasant without being overbearing or pretentious, but the meal is laden with bacon and oil, and it should be shut down as a threat to public health.

The conversation was lighthearted and smooth before it took a serious turn. As he snacked on fries, the brunet asked if you were in a relationship with someone.

"I was involved in a romantic relationship with a man." You stated carefully, gaze keenly observing the brown-haired male. You weren't sure if Logan was okay with people who like the same gender, but his expression didn't exhibit any symptoms of repulsion, so you continued speaking. "After two great years together, Captain America broke my heart by cheating on me. I just wasn't good enough for him."

You scratched the back of your neck.

A hand was placed on top of yours, and you opened your e/c eyes to see Logan shaking his head and staring into yours. His hazel eyes were gleaming gently, yet there was a hint of rage present in them.

"Never, ever believe that you aren't good enough for someone; that isn't true. You are remarkable in every way imaginable. You are sweet, thoughtful, hilarious, and handsome. You're the kind of boyfriend any lady or man would be lucky to have. The Captain is not good enough for you."

When you heard Logan say those words, a smile tugged at your lips. You've never been the recipient of numerous praises from a single person in a while, and you could tell that Logan meant every one of them. He never failed to make you smile.

"Thank you, Logan. You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that."

"No problem." The man shot you a smile, brushing his thumb along your knuckles.

You mirrored Logan's smile, and then your gaze dipped to his rosy lips. The ripped man was your secret crush, and you wanted nothing more than to press your lips to his and have a taste of his tongue. Instead, however, you removed your hand and returned to eating lunch.

The two continued to have a wonderful time for the remainder of lunch, with the conversations being light and informal. Logan seemed to share your sentiments because he inquired whether there was any chance of doing this again, and you replied yes to repeating this experience.

You found happiness in the company of the other man. So much happiness that the sight of Steve and Bucky together doesn't cause you any further emotional distress. You felt like Logan was putting your shattered heart back together after Steve had broken it into a million pieces.

The Avengers have surely taken note of your improved mood and are wondering what's changed. They didn't know who it was, but the team knew it was someone because you were occasionally spotted messaging on your phone while smiling.

"Who's Logan?"

A little startled, you turned and saw Tony peering at your phone from behind. A small smile played on his lips, but his question carried a serious undercurrent.

"A friend." The phone was placed in your pocket. "So, tell me, what's so important that you wish to speak with me today?"

"Don't try to divert the conversation, Y/n. You need to fill me in on this Logan guy. First and foremost, is he a boyfriend that I am unaware of?" After his words, there was a pause. "You know what? Don't tell me anything. You can simply provide me with Logan's last name, and I'll conduct a complete background check on him."

"Stop harassing your brother, Tony," Pepper stated once she came into the common area, her heels clicking across the floor as she embraced you. "Hi, Y/n."

"Hey, Pepper." You returned the blonde's embrace before breaking apart. "Finally, someone recognizes the importance of respecting people's right to privacy and refraining from prying for information." Your words were clearly aimed at Tony.

Although you and Pepper laughed, Tony could merely roll his eyes. As far as he's concerned, he did nothing wrong. In light of Steve's infidelity, the genius was more protective of you. Tony was worried that you would be hurt again, and he wanted to make sure that this Logan fella was a suitable fit for you. He will not allow his brother to be hurt by another man again.

"Considering Cap had broken your heart, I believe I have every right to probe into your dating life and find out everything I can about your other potential partners."

You flashed a smile toward your sibling. "That's sweet, but he's not someone you should worry about. After all, he's just a friend, anyway. So, tell me, what exactly did you two need to discuss with me?"

One hand was placed around Pepper's waist by Tony and they both exchanged passionate glances before gazing at you. You shifted your gaze between the two, waiting for an answer to your question.

"Well, Tony finally popped the question."

Your gaze immediately drifts to Pepper's hand, where, sure enough, a magnificent ring can be spotted. Tony had proposed. Tony's engaged and he's getting married.

Your throat exploded in a joyful scream. "Oh, my God! Congratulations, you two!"

As you hugged Tony and Pepper, you felt an overwhelming sense of joy for them. After everything they have been through together, they deserved one another. As you celebrated Tony's engagement, a twinge of envy just crept into your heart.

You had desired to get married to Steve.

You shook your head to get rid of that thought, as this wasn't about you and it wasn't the time to dwell on the fact that you once wanted to marry Steve. Today was the time to celebrate your brother's upcoming marriage to the love of his life.

"Y/n, you are okay with this, right?" Tony asked warily, voice trembling with worry.

"Of course I am! My big brother's getting married!"

There was another scream from your throat before you told Tony and Pepper that you would be happy to help them in any way possible with wedding planning.

The blonde and the billionaire requested that you select their wedding cake since you're familiar with their tastes and they had Stark Industries business to attend to. You said yes right away because you knew where to find the most delicious wedding cake in all of New York City.

"I appreciate it, Y/n. The wedding cake, at least, won't disappoint." Pepper said. "Perhaps you could invite this Logan guy to go cake-tasting with you." She smiled.

"Absolutely not!" Your sibling interjected. "And don't promote such behavior, Pep. I won't feel comfortable having him meet up with Logan until I've either met him in person or had his full name to perform a background check." He turned around to address you directly. "Don't make me ground you because I will if I have to."

Indulging in a hearty chuckle at Tony's treatment of you, you quickly pulled out your phone and started texting Logan, oblivious to the fact that a certain super soldier overheard the whole exchange.

You listened to Pepper's advice and asked Logan to go cake tasting with you tomorrow. After receiving his agreement to go with, you sent him a text message with the address to the bakery building.

The following day, you and Logan met at the bakery's entrance. Your friend was, as usual, smoking a cigar while standing in his customary attire of a black flannel shirt and blue jeans. As an added bonus, he was rocking a black jacket. You have not seen him in this black jacket before, but it's a great addition to his wardrobe.

He looked as handsome as ever before.

As the bell on the door chimed, you and Logan entered the bakery nestled on the corner of the bustling street. The air is alive with the fragrances of the bakery's creation, each one more tantalizing than the last. Sounds of laughter and chatter filled the air as customers chat with the bakers and each other, creating a happy, bustling atmosphere within the location.

From behind the counter, an employee, a pleasant and kind woman, smiled at you both. "What can I get for you two?"

"Hello there. Is your boss around?"

The woman's head shook with a gentle sway. "I'm afraid Ms. Stone had to leave unexpectedly for a family emergency," She explained, her voice soft and caring. Despite the news, a warm smile graced her lips as she went around the counter.

"I've been expecting you tho, Mr. Stark," She continued with a reassuring tone. "Please, allow me to guide you to a table where you'll find the wedding cakes you are searching for." With a hand gesture, the brunette motioned for you to follow her, her footsteps light and purposeful.

She led you and Logan over to a small table in the corner of the bakery where she had set out a variety of cakes to try.

With each cake that was sampled, you and the other guy discussed each of the cake's flavor, texture, and presentation, carefully considering which one would be the best cake for Tony's special day.

However, during the sampling, Logan's behavior took an unexpected turn. After the third cake, he leaned in and began to feed you, a playful glint in his eyes. You were taken aback by the gesture, unsure of how to respond. Yet as he wiped the crumbs from your face with his thumb, you felt a huge rush of great excitement.

You knew this wasn't something that friends typically did with each other, so you were confused by Logan's actions.

In spite of your bewilderment, you didn't try to stop him. You secretly enjoyed it, relishing in the playful dynamic between the both of you. But you knew that you needed to address the situation later, to get to the bottom of what was going on.

But for now, you decided to simply enjoy the moment, savoring the flavors of the delicious cakes and the thrill of Logan's playful gestures. Yet in the back of your mind, you realized that you would need to have a serious conversation with him soon. The mystery of Logan's behavior was something that you couldn't ignore.

Upon tasting several cakes, you settled on a rich chocolate cake with layers of raspberry filling and buttercream frostin. Tony and Pepper are going to love this.

"This is the one." You stated confidently.

The employee smiled as she carefully packaged up a slice of cake for you and Logan to take with. With practiced ease, the female wrote down the details of the wedding cake you had decided on, her pen moving gracefully across the paper. 

"I will be sure to let Ms. Stone know your selection," She said. "And may I just say, you two make such an adorable couple!  Congrats on your upcoming wedding!"

Your face became very hot. "Oh, we're—"

"—very happy to hear that." The tall male interjected smoothly, taking hold of your hand and planting a tender kiss on your temple before directing his gaze toward the female. "Have a wonderful day, bub."

With that, you and Logan walked out of the bakery, hand in hand. Rather than parting ways, you headed to the park to watch the sunset. Upon sitting down on a cozy bench, the sky was flushed with vibrant hues of pink, orange, and purple. The sun slowly descended towards the horizon, casting a warm glow over the world around you. This view was great.

You knew it was time to confront Logan concerning the situation at the bakery.

"Logan?"

"Yeah?" His gaze was focused on you.

"Why did you make that employee think that we were engaged? And why do you keep being so touchy-feely with me and feeding me? Friends don't do that, man."

Logan didn't verbally respond. Instead, he reached out and grabbed the side of your face, pulling you close and sealing your lips in a kiss. Your body responded to his touch, your senses overwhelmed by the intensity of this kiss. However, as quickly as it had started, he pulled away, his eyes searching yours for a reaction.

"I — I don't understand." You stammered, heart racing with a mix of emotions.

Did Logan like you, too?

Logan's hand reached out to caress your cheek. "I like you a lot, Y/n, and I want to be with you, but I want to make sure that you're not still hung up on Steve."

"I'm not still hung up on, Steve."

It was the truth, you reminded yourself. You had moved on from the sheer pain and betrayal that Steve had caused you. Even though he had been a huge part of your life for years, you had finally found the strength to let go and move forward.

And it's because of Logan. Ever since he had come into your life, everything had changed. The way he looked at you, the way he held your hand, the way he made you feel — it was all so vastly different from what you experienced with Steve.

"You're not?" The hazel-eyed man's eyes were filled with both curiosity and hope.

"No." The word hung in the air like a weight, heavy and final. "I'm not. I like you, too, and I want to be with someone who truly likes and respects me like you."

Relief washed over Logan's face, and he smiled. "I'm glad," He said, and then his expression turned serious. "But if we're going to be together, there's something you need to know about me that might make you regret wanting to be with me."

You raised an eyebrow in curiosity. What could Logan possibly tell you that would make you regret wanting to date him?

"Tell me."

Logan seemed nervous, which was unusual for him. You watched him take a deep breath, and then he said, "I think it would be better... if I just showed you." His eyes flickered toward his right hand.

You had no idea what he meant until you saw the sharp glint, the metallic slash of the claws that protruded from his hands, like knives made of iron. Oh...Wow... You were stunned, realizing at that moment that Logan was a mutant. He must have been worried that you would not accept him because of his extraordinary powers

Logan's gaze locked onto yours, searching for any sign of fear or rejection. He did not know if you were someone who accepted mutants or not and he was laying his heart on the line.

But you weren't like most people in this world who harbored hate and mistrust toward mutants. You believed that everyone deserved respect and acceptance, no matter what.

"So, you're a mutant?" You asked softly, meeting Logan's gaze with a newfound sense of understanding, hand ghosting over the sharp edges of Logan's claws.

Logan nodded, his expression guarded. "Yeah, Y/n. This is a part of who I am."

A smile tugged at the corners of your lips. "Well, that's not something that will make me not want to be with you. I like you for who you are, Logan — all of you."

You took Logan's hand in yours, feeling a sense of connection and closeness that you had never felt before. It was as if his powers had brought you two even closer together, rather than driving you apart.

Logan's smile returned. "Thank you, Y/n."

You leaned in, closing the gap between you, and kissed him gently. The feel of his lips against yours was electric, and you knew at that moment that you had made the right choice. Logan Howlett was the one for you — mutant or not.

XXXXX XXXXX

"Knock, knock."

As you pushed open the hotel door, you were greeted with the sight of Tony, his fingers fumbling with his tie as he tried to make it look presentable. He seemed nervous. His usual confident energy was replaced with a nervous one that no one has seen before. It was understandable.

Today was the day that your brother was getting married to the love of his life and the gravity of the situation seemed to be hitting Tony all at once. You didn't blame him for feeling a little overwhelmed now.

The clock was ticking, and the wedding ceremony was just an hour away. You, Tony, and the other male Avengers had gathered at the hotel nearby to help the groom get ready. Downstairs, the rest of the male Avengers was eating breakfast before slipping into their sharp suits for the occasion. But you had a feeling that Tony needed some extra support, so you came up here to check on the groom.

A lopsided grin broke out on Tony's face as he got his tie knot finished. "Hey, bro. Just in time to see me looking my best."

You chuckled, knowing that Tony always looked his best, but looked extra dapper in his tuxedo today. "You look amazing, Tony," You complimented him, grabbing his jacket from the bed. "Pepper's going to be blown away when she sees you. I can't believe you two are tying the knot."

"Yeah, Pepper and I are finally doing it."  Tony's smile widened, but then it faded again as he looked back at his reflection. "I just wish Mom could be here to see it."

Your heart ached at the mention of your mother. She had always been supportive of Tony than your father, even during his darkest moments. You knew how much she would have loved to see her son get married. But you knew that she instilled in him the strength and resilience to get through anything, including his wedding day without her being physically there.

You put a hand on his shoulder. "I know, man. I miss her too. But she would have been so proud of you today. I know it."

"I hope so. It just feels weird, you know? Getting married without her here for it."

You squeezed his shoulder. "I know it does. But she's with you in spirit and in your heart. And she wouldn't want you to be sad on your wedding day. I know that she is looking down on you with a smile. She’s just as proud of you as I am."

The billionaire looked at you, and for a moment, you two started at each other. Then, he moved and hugged you tightly.

"Thank you Y/n," Tony whispered into his brother's ear. "Thank you for being here."

You embraced him back with equal warmth, feeling your eyes moisten with tears. You knew that this was more than simply a hug, but also the overwhelming realization of the bond you both shared.

His words echoed in your mind, and you knew that he wasn't just referring to this moment. Your brother was pertaining to the unbreakable connection you shared, built on a foundation of unwavering support and love, through all the ups and downs life had thrown your way.

He wasn't just your brother by blood, but also by heart, and you're grateful for him.

"Of course; that's what brothers are for." You remarked. "So, how are you feeling?"

"Nervous, to be honest," Tony admitted.

You raised an eyebrow. "You, nervous? I honestly never thought I'd see that day."

Tony chuckled. "Yeah, well, this is a big day and everything has to go perfectly.”

"Everything's going to be fine and you've got this. You and Pepper are perfect for each other, and today is the beginning of a wonderful journey together."

"You're right," Tony agreed. "Today is the beginning of something amazing, and I can't wait to see what the future holds."

"That's the spirit, bro!"

You gracefully slipped Tony's suit jacket onto his broad shoulders, smoothing out any creases with your hands. Just as you finished, your phone dinged, pulling your attention away from Tony. You checked it and saw two messages waiting there.

One was from Rhodey, announcing that he was ten minutes away. The other was from Logan. Your heart leapt as you read Logan's message, telling you that he had arrived outside of your hotel. You were both surprised and ecstatic that he had managed to make it, despite previously declining your invitation due to his busy schedule and the wedding's location in California. He came all this way for me.

You couldn't help the smile that formed on your face after receiving Logan's text.

You quickly informed Tony of their arrival and that you were going to greet them downstairs. Tony, ever the curious one, suggested that you bring Logan up so he could interrogate him and get to know him better. You rolled your eyes at your siblings' protectiveness but agreed to go down and get them from outside.

As you stepped out of the hotel room, the carpet beneath your feet muffled the sound of your footsteps. You made your way down the hall until you collided with someone. Felt more like a wall tho. You stumbled back, catching yourself just in time to look up and see Bucky, standing in front of you in a perfectly tailored suit.

The two of you stood in silence for a moment, not quite sure what to say. This is the first time you two have been alone since the whole incident with Steve. You had seen him around the compound and during team stuff, but this was different.

This was the first time you were alone with him, without anyone else present, and you were not sure how to feel now.

Though, you did know one thing – You didn't hate him and from what Steve told you, he didn't hate you either. "A couple of months ago, Bucky confessed to me that he had developed feelings for you."

"Nice suit." You said, unsure of what to say, but wanting to break the silence. "I didn't know you had such good taste in..."

"I'm sorry," Bucky interrupted, his voice barely above a whisper.

This apology was unexpected, but you could hear the remorse and guilt in his voice, and it tugged at your heartstrings. He then continued speaking, his words pouring out of him like a confession and you listened carefully to what he voiced. 

"I'm so sorry for what I did to you, for seeing Steve behind your back. I was selfish and didn't consider your feelings, and for that, I am truly sorry. I know that nothing I say can make it right and that you hate me, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for everything I did to you, and I don't expect your forgiveness."

You nodded, acknowledging his apology and the sincerity that was present in his voice. "I appreciate your apology, man. It takes courage to admit one's faults, but you should know that I do not hate you."

Bucky's eyes widened in surprise, gazing at you in disbelief. "You should hate me," He insisted, his voice low and his gaze unwavering. "I took everything from you."

"But I don't," You replied honestly. "What happened between us three hurt me so much." You watched as the man bowed his head in shame. "I was so hurt, but I decided to move on to find peace, and I decided not to harbor hate toward you."

You placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder, shocking yourself with the movement. "I truly hope you're happy with him. By the way, I forgive you for what you've done."

You walked passed Bucky down the hall when he called out, voice very uncertain. "..Do you think we can be friends again?"

Bucky knew that the chance of being with you romantically was slim to none.

After everything that had happened, after the things he and Steve had done, he knew it would be impossible to have a relationship with you. That didn't stop him, though, from feeling deeply for you, from cherishing the time you two spent together. He wanted that friendship back.

You paused for a moment, uncertain of the answer. But you turned back to him and offered a smile. "I'll see you around."

With a final smile, you descended the staircase to meet Logan and Rhodey, leaving Bucky standing in the hallway.

Once you stepped outside the hotel, the warm California sun greeted you with its embrace. You scanned the area, looking for Logan. Then you saw him, standing like a beacon of style in a finely-tailored suit that hugged his frame in all the right places. It seemed as though he had just stepped right out of a fashion magazine.

You approached him, and a smile broke out on his handsome features when he caught sight of you. You couldn't resist wrapping your arms around him, feeling his strong and steady arms around your waist in response. He actually made it.

Upon pulling away, you asked what he was doing here in Cali, surprised by his unexpected appearance. He explained that his team had to come to California to pick up a mutant, and he decided to go to Tony's wedding with you instead. You felt a warm feeling spread through you, grateful for his presence here today.

You thanked him and smiled as Rhodey joined in, greeting both of you. Together, the three of you headed upstairs to your brother's room. However, as you entered, it was like a scene from a movie. Tony was prepared with an interrogation for Logan, determined to make sure he was good enough for you. You couldn't help but smile at Tony's overprotectiveness, knowing it came from a place of love.

Logan was prepared for the questioning. He answered every question confidently and called Tony a wonderful brother for being so protective over you, softening Tony's eyes a little. You couldn't help but smile at how well he handled the grilling.

Finally, Rhodey spoke, reminding us that he had a wedding to prepare for and not to interrogate your boyfriend right now.

Tony stopped, but not before promising that he would continue the conversation at a later time. For now, you, Rhodey, and Logan helped calm Tony's nerves down. Soon, Tony was looking more confident than he was when you entered the room for the first time. He's ready.

And as both Tony and Pepper exchanged vows and shared a passionate kiss, you watched with pride as your sibling found a source of love and support in his life.

The grand reception that followed was a magnificent spectacle, a true, deliberate celebration of love and joy. The banquet was a lavish display of food. The dance floor seemed to extend to infinity and was adorned with shimmering lights as if the stars themselves had descended to witness the special occasion tonight.

Tony and Pepper twirled and spun, lost in their own world as they celebrated their union with family and friends.

You stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, washing your hands when the door creaked open. Your head turned to the side to see Steve standing there, his piercing blue eyes focused on your form.

"Y/n, can we talk?" Steve asked softly.

You turned your whole body to face him. "I didn't know we had things to discuss."

"Y/n, I know that I messed up." He said, his voice cracking. "I should never have cheated on you with Bucky. I'm so sorry."

You stared at him for a long moment before responding. "Steve, I loved you. I gave you everything, and you threw it all away to be with Bucky. You broke me."

The man hung his head, unable to meet your gaze. "Y/n, please..." The tall blonde pleaded. "I know I can't take back what I did — but I want to try and make things right. I still love you and I want to be with you again — to make up for my mistake."

But you just shook his head, a tiny smile playing on your lips. "Steve, I appreciate your apology, but I cannot get back with you. Besides, I have moved on and I am currently in a relationship with a man."

The soldier felt a spike of jealousy. "Oh, who? The guy you took as your date?"

"Yes, his name's Logan and he treats me the way I deserve to be treated, with love and respect. That man makes me happy and I do not want to ruin what we have."

Steve's heart sank at your words. He had hoped that there was still a chance for them, but he knew now that it was over.

He had lost you for good.

"I understand." The blonde spoke, voice barely audible. "I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and I will always love you."

You nodded. "And I will always have love for you, but It's time for us both to move on. I hope that you and Bucky are happy together." You threw Steve a small smile before exiting the bathroom by yourself.

When you made it back to the ballroom, you saw Logan sitting down at the table, nursing a drink in his hand with his eyes focused on the dance floor. You settled down next to him in the chair. "Hey, hey."

Logan's eyes flickered over, meeting yours, and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He leaned over and planted a kiss on your lips, "Hi there." He muttered. "I'm glad you finally came back, Y/n. You were in that bathroom for quite some time. I was starting to get a bit worried."

You chuckled, feeling the warmth of his lips on yours. "Don't worry, I'm fine. I just really had to use the restroom." e/c eyes scanned the dance floor, taking in the sight of couples dancing to the music.

"Let's go dance."

Logan's eyes widened in surprise at your suggestion. "I can't dance." He protested.

You waved away his worries with a tiny laugh. "That doesn't matter. Half of the people in here can't dance. C'mon, let's go have some fun." You took his hand in yours, feeling the rough callouses of his palm against yours as he hesitated for a moment before giving in. He placed his drink down and followed you out to the dance floor. The music swelled around you, and you lost yourself in the rhythm, moving in sync with Logan. Pretty good.

As the music swirled around you, you felt a rush of joy and freedom coursing through your veins. This was what it felt like to be truly alive. And as you danced here with Logan, you knew that you had made the right decision in letting go of Steve and choosing Logan to be yours.

You trusted him implicitly, and you knew that he wouldn't hurt you like Steve had.

Logan was rugged and tough, with a heart of gold that shone through in the way he looked at you. He made you feel safe and cherished — and you knew that you could trust him with your heart. And who knows, maybe in the future, you and Logan could end up marrying each other.

As you swayed to the music, lost in the moment, you knew one thing for certain:

Logan Howlett was your everything.

He was your one and only.

Steve stood alone in the dim bathroom, the weight of his heartache heavy upon his chest. His tears fell freely, streaming down his cheeks in a never-ending flow. The ring you had intended to propose to him with rested on his trembling finger, a cruel reminder of what could've been.

He traced the edges of the ring with his fingertips, feeling every inch of it, every groove and crevice, as the memories of your love flooded his mind. The soldier had followed you into the bathroom, determined to win you back. He knew he had made a grave mistake in not telling you about his feelings for Bucky sooner. But he was scared of losing you, scared of being alone. And now he had lost you anyway, and the thought tore him apart.

But now, it was too late. You had moved on — found someone who treated you with the love and respect you deserved. Steve knew he could never compete with that. He wanted nothing more than for you to be happy, even if it meant he would never hold you in his arms again.

The blonde felt a wave of sadness wash over him, as he realized that he had lost you forever. Steve knew that he had only himself to blame for what happened, but it didn't make the pain any less intense.

The pain was like a knife twisting in his chest, a physical ache that wouldn't go.

It's my fault. I fucked up everything. You were an angel that flew away too soon.

He had Bucky, but he didn't have you.

He knew that he would have to live with the consequences of his actions, but he also knew that he would never forget the love he lost for the rest of his life — the happiness you had brought into his life.

With a heavy heart, he pulled out his wallet and gazed at the small picture of you and him at the carnival on your first date. Steve clung to the memory of that day, to the love he felt for you then and still felt now. A pic of two people in love, captured in a moment of real happiness.

The soldier took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down, but it was no use. The tears kept coming, a never-ending stream of grief and heartbreak. He knew he had to let you go, had to accept that you were happy with someone else. It was so hard to do, so hard to give up on the love that meant everything to him.

And he whispered three words into the silence of the bathroom, voice choked with tears. It was a desperate plea for a love that he could never have again. And the words would never reach your ears.

"I love you."

XXXXX XXXXX

[vodika-vibes]

Heyyyy!!!!

Can I have a Cody finds out/being told that f!reader is pregnant? To make things more complicated lol f!reader is a jedi

Idk where this came from tho… if you don’t have the time or inspiration it’s fine, I love u 🤍

And A Baby Makes Three...

Summary: You find out you're pregnant, and now you have to tell Cody.

Pairing: Commander Cody x F!Reader

Word Count: 996

Warnings: Talk of pregnancy

Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni

A/N: hihi! Thanks for the request! I hope you like it!

You frown at yourself in the mirror and pull your robe tight across your stomach. It’s not obvious yet, at least, and you suppose, with a little clever misdirection with the force, people might not notice the baby bump at all.

At least, you hope so.

You’ve been the Jedi General of the 212 for over a year and a half now. And while no one had been happy when the order was given, in hindsight you have to admit that it made sense.

After all, Obi-Wan was a negotiator. He was at his most effective using his words to convince both parties to come to an agreement. You, however, had spent the majority of your jedi career careening from one civil war to the next.

You know military strategy like you know the back of your hand.

And, with the sudden death of Palpatine, and the startling knowledge that he had been pulling the strings on both sides of the war…well, having the skilled Negotiator sitting in meetings day in and day out was far more important than having him on a warship.

Of course, he doesn’t seem to be doing the greatest job at bringing about an end to the war, since it’s still going on.

You release the front of your robes with a sigh.

Honestly, what is the point of even having that implant if it’s not going to work like it’s supposed to. You fold your arms over your chest, and tilt your head back as you try to gather your thoughts.

You need to tell Cody, obviously. Mostly because the baby is his, and partly because the fact that you’re going to be pregnant is going to have to change the way the battalion approaches any upcoming battles.

You release a sigh and rub the back of your neck, trying to ease the tension before it turns into a headache. It’s not going to work, the only person who seems to have the ability to massage away your tension headaches is Cody, and he’s busy.

You hear the familiar sound of your door code being keyed in, and you turn towards the door, or maybe not. The door slides open, silently, and Cody steps into the room, and allows the door to slide shut behind him.

Everyone on the ship knows about your relationship with him, but it’s better to not show it off.

Tension drains out of his body as he sets his helmet on the table next to the door, and you smile sympathetically, “Rough day?”

“That’s putting it mildly,” He glances at you, and then takes a moment to remove the top part of his armor, before he crosses the room to slide his arms around you and bury his face in your neck, “We got word from Fox, there’s been no truce agreement yet.” He mumbles.

“So another month of war,” You say with a sigh.

“So another month of war.” Cody agrees, pulling back to press his forehead against yours, “They’re thinking of sending us back to Umbara.”

“Until we get actual orders, let’s just hope that that’s a rumor,” You reply softly as you reach up to soothingly card your fingers through his hair.

“Yeah,” His eyes close as he relaxes into your touch, “How are you feeling? You woke up pretty sick this morning.”

You smile wryly, though it goes unnoticed for the moment.

“Told you that you shouldn’t have eaten Boil’s experiment. You’re lucky a small bout of nausea is all you got,” Cody continues.

“It wasn’t that bad.” You defend.

“Cyare, it was moving.”

“That…is true.” You admit, grimacing as you remember Boil’s meal, “But he was so excited to cook-”

“You don’t have to keep humoring my brothers, cyare. We already like you.” Cody mumbles.

“I genuinely like your brothers, Cody. I like seeing them happy.” You say lightly, “But, as it happens, I wasn’t sick because of last night's dinner.”

His eyes snap open and he scans your face, “You weren’t?”

“No. I wasn’t.” You trail your hand across his cheek, “And I’m afraid I’m going to be sick for a bit.”

His brow furrows, “Do we need to go to the Medbay?”

You huff out a breath, “That probably won’t hurt, but I need to talk to you first.”

“Okay?”

There are a million different ways you can say this, but you think that, in this situation, the hard facts are the easiest, “My implant failed. I’m pregnant.”

Cody blinks at you, his jaw slightly slack.

“You-...really?”

“Really.” You confirm, “The force doesn’t lie.”

He blinks at you again, and his gaze drifts to your stomach, “A baby,” Cody sounds stunned and a bright grin crosses his face, “That’s…that’s wonderful! I’m going to be a dad!” And then the smile fades, “Oh…shit. This is going to change how we handle missions, isn’t it?”

“Oh, undoubtedly. I’m going to get fat. Which means no more vents.”

“It means you’ll have to start staying back at the command tent.”

You purse your lips, “I do not like that.”

“You don’t have to like it. But you do have to accept it.” Cody replies, and then he kisses you, a series of quick, loving kisses, and when he pulls away he sets his hands on your shoulders, “Okay! We’re going to Helix.”

“Can’t we go later?” You whine, even as you allow him to direct you towards the door.

“Nope.” Cody keys open the door and propels you into the hall, “Because, cyare, Helix is going to have to learn a whole new branch of medicine to help keep you healthy. Two, even, because he’s not a pediatrician either.”

“...now I feel kind of guilty.”

“He’ll get over it. Maybe.” Cody says easily, “Or, if he’s angry, it’ll be at me and not you.”

You eye him suspiciously, and Cody’s smile is a bit too innocent for you to believe it, “You’re fragile, cyare.”

Your jaw drops, “I am not!”

[allhailmeandmy]

I really don't wanna complain , nor am I the type that does, but I'll rant , cuz even I am getting frustrated now

So, under for complaining, I apologise

It's so frustrating that the one thing they get consistent is BP, making different choices to change for the worst

You need how much for Solomon seals to get a card guaranteed? 2400 seals?

How about red keys? Cuz you'll get a gold, just not the card ur pulling for nor the artifact, for example , I've been trying for beelzebubs attacker artifact since it was put on the banner, the card is maxed no artifact, I stopped trying back when red keys were still in pancake store, and the remaining I had left I used on Lucifer, I got 3-4 repeats, non for lucifer nor his artifact, or even the new leviathan card, 3 of those repeats being those for pancake store since most are repeats

The red keys in the pancake store will be the fall of it sooner or later, cuz now there's only exchange for gems, panty game, or buy them. And the issue with these is, for f2p, the only thing you get is panty game, 1 red key per day, so u might get a 10 pull once a month.... how generous

Red gems wise, the exchange is not worth it till u have over 4k gems, and u don't get those often either, I'll try to have a look and keep track of the gems to see how much you get per week

There's event exchange, but those don't even give you a 10 pull so, plus events ( not bp) happen like once per 2 months maybe

So how tf are people supposed to get any?

I play and have played over 10 different gatchas, from every ikemen game, obey me ( both og and nb, both since release), genshin ( star rail for a short bit), wuthering waves, cookierun, pokemon masters, nu carnival, arcana twilight, and probably more that I don't remember, and the ones I stayed for have 1 thing in common, that being events and better ways of earning pulls.

Obey me wise, even if u don't get any new cards you will get a 10 pull from completing the first slide of rewards if you're an active player, if you're lucky with pulls you'll get 20 or more depending on what type of event it is ( 1 is regular events other is gatcha event rewards) , and the store from ravens, you get as much as u get ravens from og obey me, while nb gives u 10 pull from the store per month, not as good, but personally from the pulls u get from the events you don't notice unless you're on a loosing streak , in my personal opinion some might feel different its OK, plus u get flash sales and level up sales for pulls, so many opportunities

Cookierun, as someone who played since sonic collab, I've not had issues for pulls, you get many gems and pulls from events, daily activities like guilds, raids and others, plus they don't really do reruns but new characters , recently they did group reruns for certain cookies, but consistently I had 30k saved up in case of new cookies from daily activities

Can't believe whb is making me talk well of genshin... but even genshin is more generous if ur an active player, u need 160 for a pull, daily activity alone gives 60, but they get events consistently, as a player of over a year I get 6k promo per month, and I kept track for 15 months on traveler's diary, as well as 5 pulls on the monthly store, and as much as u get from masterless startglitter u get from repeats

And nu carnival... from same collab company they had for whb since they're on erolabs, they too have a monthly store for 10, and more events, tho the rates could be better, they at least have some consistency

So what does whb lack? Events, consistency, and store exchange. Not many events and when they're there they last a month, and what u get leaves much to be desired, you don't get much info about when and what till it happens or they have a post a week before about it, store exchange gems wise is really expensive even the new one they added, and other currencies don't give u red keys or give barely any, wow 1 key! So nice!

And then there's the "they're a small company" so? Giving red keys in store doesn't cost them. If anything, it'd make people more likely to buy things, because at least u get something even if you're loosing, so it doesn't feel as that big a loss as it could be. I understand that it'd probably cost em to make more events and make em consistent, so they'd have to write writers, but! But but but! They don't have to make big lore events everytime! They could make shorter more light hearted events! Like.... nu carnival or obey me, mc and nobles and kings having mindless fun, like idk? Beach event, they go to a beach and interact, just a fun little filler while waiting for other things grander things to be in works in the meantime, they don't have to make new cards, or new sprites, they could but they don't have to yk? Just something smaller where u see how characters interact and have fun with u

Pb could also do something like welking or obey me vip, 5 dollar a month for red gems every day for a whole month or anything they'd decide on giving, or the vip where they could give per month perks, like discounts on deals, vip deals, per month gems, early sneak peaks. Yk?

Like I'm comparing, cuz I've been playing all those for so long, I mean 5 years in obey me? Why do u think that is? And I've been supporting pb for a while, I was there for love unholyc since the year it came out, preregistered for dokidoki, preregistered for whb and waited for updates despite the delays, I want them to succeed I want well for pb, for that they need to change for better. The rating on play store is 3 stars for a reason, people are leaving for a reason, people aren't willing to give the game a try for a reason. They need to look at the competitions and compare and see what works and what doesn't, and even the panty game changed for worse ( my opinion as someone who played it every day) but I didn't complain since no one else did so I didn't wanna be a spoil sport for anyone, but they gave more, but once more they decided to change the rate to be lower with gold panties , and gave gold, who tf is low on golf?

Not to mention pies... 60 pies on 1 lvl up skill, and u get the pies on the pancake excha- oh right

That all to say, that's just how I feel personally, you can disagree that's fine, but I complain as a fan, and someone who wants better for the game, I'm still here for a reason, I started to post here for a reason despite never posting my own stuff online, I do love the game, but the devs don't, at least it doesn't feel like they do

Also how u have to buy both bp's for a card is really scummy in my opinion, as someone who considered it for juno card, 40 plus 10 for a card? Y not make it 1 payment not 2? Definitely made me not want it immediately but that's just me ig

Feel free to add on, I'm not trying to start a discourse or an argument, I just want change for better

[sindirimba]

hii i have another prompt ficlet. many many thank yous to @saturrain for sending me this one 🖤

From the 101 romantic/mildly spicy prompts for brief fic snippets, I can specify between #13 or #92, but can u do something for BoN inspired of what he said in the video https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMr1QQ3ja/

you should watch that video because it's cute as hell and definitely inspired the vibe of this. as did those numbered prompts!:

13 Kiss After Kiss After Kiss 92 Kisses All Over

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Finally, finally, the plane door opened and people began filing out, and he patted the phone in his shirt pocket by instinct and started walking to meet her midway across the field. The moment he saw her, wearing an orange coat and hauling her backpack over her shoulder and reminding him of spring’s very first blooms peeking out to face the sun, he hurried a little more.

When they were a few meters apart she broke into a grin, and then moments later she leapt into his arms and hugged him with all her might, making him laugh helplessly, stumbling only slightly from the impact. She really had a knack for embodying her entire self in all that she did, he thought.

“Hey!” she dropped back down to her feet, beaming at him, letting him take the pack off her back. “You didn’t have to wait outside for me, Book.”

“I don’t mind,” he said, smiling as they turned to head back toward the tiny airport she’d flown into. “Good flight?”

“Yeah, alright.” She leaned into his side, knocking him a little off balance again. He liked it. “Glad to be back on solid ground. Glad to start our vacaa-aation,” she sing-songed her words, making him feel warm all over. The chill in the air had disappeared the moment he’d seen her step off the plane, honestly. “You ready to build so many snowmen?”

“I think so,” he said with a slight laugh. “More interested in the fireplace, but...”

“Yeah,” she laughed too.

The ride from the airport to their little cabin in the mountains was long enough for her to tell him about her trip, to talk about being excited to learn how to snowboard, to just talk to him and fill his recently fairly solitary existence with life and joy.

Nile’d said he was in his hermit era, a phrasing he’d been incredibly amused by and had thought about often as he’d settled temporarily into an exceedingly mundane life the past few months. Just to remember what it was like, he supposed. To try to get a grip on himself and his complicated and complicating feelings. But Nile, she wasn’t content to let him be a hermit forever, and he’d barely go a few days before hearing from her, by phone usually and by postcard, occasionally. And now, she’d convinced him to take a break from sunny hot Alpes-de-Haute-Provence to go freeze up on a mountain with her.

He’d definitely frozen to death in worse circumstances.

Once they got to the cabin, they cleaned a little, got comfortable, settled in. They’d stopped on the way to get provisions, and so after the settling into the kitchen he went to work on dinner.

He was washing up in the sink when he heard her footsteps behind him, and he glanced over to see her smile as she came over to join him. “Ah, I thought you’d take a nap,” he said, drying his hands, then nodding toward the oven now cooking their night’s meal. “It’ll be a while before food’s ready.”

“Yeah, I tried,” she said, turning toward him, leaning her hip against the counter. “Couldn’t settle down really, I was thinking too much.”

“Oh?” He turned toward her, too, wondering about the expression on her face, the softness in her eyes. “Nothing bad?”

“Nothing bad,” she said with a smile. “Smells good in here.” He ducked his head in thanks, and started to move around her to the fridge for drinks. But she paused him with a hand on his arm, and he met her eyes again. “Y’know I... I really did miss you, Book.”

His concern dampened, and he felt himself smile. “Missed you too.” He paused, words catching on his tongue. What more could he even say? She deserved his honesty but he struggled with it. “I missed you.”

She curled her fingers around the sleeve of his shirt, holding instead of simply pausing now. The kitchen was warm from the oven, even warmer there between them. He thought of their first meeting so long ago, the way he could barely seem to fathom her existence. He still felt like that now, a little.

“And, uh, I’m glad you agreed to come up here with me,” she continued, and he nodded once. As if he could have or wanted to say no to her. “Because it makes everything a lot easier. You know?”

He didn’t. “Easier?”

“Yeah,” she said, half-grinning, and she tugged on his arm, easily pulling him closer. His throat felt suddenly dry. “If the next time we met up was with the others, I was gonna have to make a scene and I really don’t want to do that.”

He couldn’t even begin to start questioning what she meant by that. It didn’t matter. She leaned in, eyes so warm and dark and soft, and then she kissed him. He let out a harsh breath, surprised. Electrified. He brought his hands up, framing her face between his palms, returning her kiss with all the urgency and hunger he could while still standing on his own two feet. She wrapped her arms around him, lips curving into a beautiful smile as the kiss continued on and on and on. He’d imagined this so often, craved it and feared it, and now it was no real shock that the reality of it left him frankly rather brainless.

He broke from her lips, kissed the corners of her mouth, her cheek, beside her eye, her temple, back down to her mouth, and she laughed, buried her fingers in his hair, walking him backwards until his back hit the wall. He grinned, pulling back only far enough that he could see her whole face again, her big eyes, her smile. The mole by her mouth, the little curls of hair next to her ears. “Nile.”

“Was hoping you’d react like that,” she said softly, teasing him, delighting him. He kissed her. She laughed. “See? This would have been way worse with everyone else around.” He laughed too, and then had to kiss her, again and again and again.

“You’re right,” he told her, stroking his thumb over her cheek, her brow, feeling marvelled. She cupped the back of his neck, leaned forward again to brush her lips over his, and he pulled her ever closer. Another kiss and another one, and in between each kiss, she laughed. Music to his ears, and she had him laughing with her, just from sheer overwhelming joy. Sheer hypnotism, or maybe some kind of magic that he hadn’t felt in so very long. What a feeling, he thought, and kissed her again.

[tyunkus]

this might be a bit cliche ..but thinkin about how all of them need to jerk off before each show which is one thought in itself except taehyun needs to make someone else cum before every show. so all the makeup nd hair artists have this lil competition between them that he doesn’t know about.

like who got the most orgasms this month? who got caught by another member? what technique did he use on you this time? and when he finds out about it…he just loves it. that y’all are talking about him, making it a lil competition.

so he decides to get in on the fun and he keeps track of how fast he’s made each of you cum. he knows who takes a bit longer, who cums rly quick. and he tries to make it a competition with himself. like the shortest he’s needed to make someone cum is three minutes, twenty two seconds and he tries to beat that every time.

so one day he picks you and, of course, you’re aware of this record and he puts a stopwatch on in a place you can see and you’re trying your best to beat that record so you can rub it in all the other makeup and hair artists’ faces. but he just feels so good that you kinda don’t want it to end.

i’ve always had this lil idea and have always wanted to turn it into a full fic but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe i will someday

HAKJSHDSJDHS!!!!! taehyun who gets off on pleasuring u is so real. something about watching his partner squirm n listening to their pretty gasps and moans, knowing they're all for him, because of him just turns him on so much fuck!!!!! somewhere somehow during his career hes made it a habit to make someone cum before concerts n the itch to make someone feel good always quadruples before he performs.. & to be honest hes always had his eye on you - youre sweet, fun to talk to, always cracking jokes and to be honest for the past month while you fuss over his hair his gaze has been fixed upon you in the mirror and hes just been thinking about how you would look falling apart on his tongue.

and well with the whole "competition" going on, he supposes now is the best time to get his hands on you! just imagine!! you're leaning back against the wall in one of the empty changing rooms backstage, hips lifted n chasing the warmth of taehyuns tongue!!!! taehyun kissing your clit while he runs his hands over the swell of ur ass and rubs circles into your hips with his thumbs! taehyuns tongue dipping in ur folds all warm n soft before flattening out against u, he wants to taste all of u!!!! n then eventually he'll get u so wet that he just dips a finger into you, then two, pumping steadily, moaning so hot against ur cunt - he pulls away after a while then rises wobbily to his feet, fingers still buried in you, but hes using his other hand to prop your hips against him so he can fuck into you deeper. "sorry, baby," he murmurs against your ear. "can't come on my face, as much as i want you to. can't put all your hard work to waste, huh? 's okay. i'll just make you come on my fingers, okay?" and you just nod at him, too fucked out to respond or even remember that hes technically supposed to be getting you off as quickly as possible - what he doesnt tell you is that hes slowly getting addicted to all your moans and reactions and expressions, so don't be surprised if he tries to drag it out a little !!!!!

[ashley-amelie]

hello……. may i prompt souyo + swap (the swapped thing is up to you heheh 🫶

hello!! and thank you for leaving me a prompt :3c

the swapped thing I chose was *drumroll* selfies!

I hope you like this! (and that the formatting is okay, oof)

**

Yosuke customizes every entry in his phone's contacts list. It's just what he does. He's been doing it since his first one years ago, when he figured out that he could pair a yellow-orange background with his mom's photo and a green one with his dad's.

So when Yosuke remembers he doesn't have a contact photo for Yu, two weeks after initially exchanging numbers, he fires off a quick text –

> hey prtnr snd me a pic 4 my contacts k??

– and wanders away for a glass of water. He has three messages from Yu when he comes back to his desk and, by proxy, his phone a few minutes later. 

> Sure.

> Is this good?

The third message, only an image file, takes another minute to download. Yosuke smiles a little when he sees it; it's a slim white cat, curled into a tight ball, with only one ear visible.

It's cute, but it's not Yu.

Yosuke sends his response.

> i meant liek a selfie lol

Yu's back-to-back reply –

> Oh.

> I don't have any.

– rouses surprise, suspicion, and then understanding. In that order. 

While Yosuke has only known Yu for all of a month, he's already cottoned on to some of the other boy’s ways and attitudes. And considering how airheaded he seems about his own appearance – how does he not notice all the looks he gets? it's insane! – Yosuke can believe it.

He fully understands how Narukami Yu might not have a single selfie.

Nevertheless, Yosuke presses on.

> take 1??

And finds himself baffled at Yu's response.

> I'll try.

Try? As if it's hard?

The next image Yu sends downloads as slowly as the first, and Yosuke twirls in his desk chair while waiting on it.

As soon as it's done, Yosuke snorts again in amusement.

> dude thats jus ur eye wtf

Not even both eyes; just one, taken so closely that Yosuke can see his fine, silvery lower lashes and the edges where his pupil meets the pale gray of his iris. He'd been meaning to ask if Yu is wearing coloured contacts; from the picture Yosuke still can't tell.

The notification for Yu's next message –

> No good then? Let me try again.

– reorients his thoughts. Was he really analyzing a picture of someone's eye? Yosuke scrubs a hand over his face; the countryside must be turning him into a weirdo.

But, after looking over the subsequent photo that downloads, Yosuke takes it back. He can't be a weirdo when Yu has the entire concept of weird on lock. It's an upside-down, blurry close-up of the bridge of his nose and, honestly, what kind of message is Yosuke supposed to take away from that? 

Other than –

> plz dnt tell me u dnt kno how 2 take a selfie

> here liek this

Yosuke tabs through his image gallery until he finds his favorite selfie. Although it's the same pose as most of his other photos – a peace sign and a flirty wink – he'd felt better than usual that day and the camera noticed.

He ends up spinning in his chair again as he waits; right now, even this is more entertaining than trying to read through his Literature homework.

Yu's messages ping one after another again.

> Thanks.

> You look really happy.

> How is this?

What comes through last is a perfectly clear photo of Yu, smiling slightly, with his cheek resting on his fist. It's a new photo, unlike Yosuke's – the collar of his Yasogami uniform is unmistakable.

He attaches the photo to Yu's contact profile, completing it, and puts his phone aside.

Ugh, homework.

[mimikoolover]

https://www.tumblr.com/mimikoolover/753926264796119040/ive-never-seen-one-jikooker-ever-defend-jungkook?source=share

u asked for a link to the tweet so i went to check on twitter but the acct is currently private as they do it often but the@ is @/seatotterskm13 now idk when she'll go off private cause sometimes she goes off private immediately sometimes after days but I'll see if i can get it when they're off private. I'm already preety inactive on twitter but I'll see and get it.

Even in the ppl in the gc i don't remember the names properly but like nochujimi, night2712 smtg, Keira, kookmoons etc these accts are in the video too and even i have seen them defending jk. The tweets must be up there acct. Can scroll and see. I don't follow all of them i know only nochujimi and you can literally scroll through her twitter and see her defending jk multiple times. She's pro Palestine so she has called out scooter Barun but never once has she dragged golden or anything. Same with other accts. Anyways some of them accts in the video has requested for the archived which shows deleted data which might come off. Idt ppl has time to listen to jk's album and show literal receipts of that while also hating on him in some GCS like pretending on twitter is one thing but pretending to like jk's music in ur private is another. Kookmoons has showed receipts of her recent streamings too.

https://x.com/kookmoons/status/1804238913382293599

Like i very well know how ppl can frame you i have been through that so when I see someone exposing another human my first thought is always how much truth it holds. Ppl on this damn app accuse you of based off of their assumptions and bs so i will always question how much truth it holds no matter what. I won't if it's coming from jk anti but when i know atleast one acct from it why should i belive that gc? That too from jjks? The closeted tkkrs? And this ain't coming from manipulation this is coming from experience who's been on that app and in the fandom for yrs now.

https://curiouscat.live/hoetolegy/post/1356358130

This is supposed to be a jm biased jkkr yet she always defends jk, golden on tl in her cc. This one is just recent but there's tens of her doing so during all these months. she always said that jk deserves all that promo and so does jm but dragging jk ain't it. her frnd circle is also jkkr and all of them have defended jk. That's why i said you're on wrong side of twitter idk.

granted most of them are ot2 but you saying "i have never seen jkkrs defend jk" is something else. Hope you don't expect us to keep links to all the tweets of jkkrs defending jk cause you'd ask me them defending jm and i still won't be able to bring many cause i don't keep tab but i see it when it happens.

I looked back on nochujimin's tweets and I could not see one where they defend Jungkook against jimin solos.

this person in particular appeared in the video saying that they agree with jimin solos.

that's where this originated from in my brain. they have pretty much admitted to being a jimin solo.

idc if they claim to love jungkook. I don't care if they seemingly defend him from tkkers because they're just playing their shitty war with tkkers, it's not about jungkook.

until I see these people denouncing jimin solos and talk about tkkers, jjks and pjms in the same breath, including pjms in their rants, then I will believe they are not jungkook antis.

they never need to mention pjms because pjms don't hate on jimin and they only care about the hate jimin gets. aka they are jungkook antis.

[heaven-s-black-box]

Notes- Teyvat Academy Anemo boys

Return to File

Recovery date: September 25th, 2024

Description: right third one for tdy ;-; so the anemo boys in tevyat adacamy!! basically its js high school with the genshin characters and if u could i'd rlly want all of the characters or js the anemo boys r fine :D tysmm

-⭐️ anon

Notes: This work was recovered in conjunction with researcher ⭐️, we thank them for their contributions. I'm starting with the anemo boys, but I'll probably go through and do more characters later. I also hope you don't mind that not everyone is a student.

Back to directory

Aether

Third years who just transferred in, how unlucky to change schools in their last year

Runs morning announcements with his sister Lumine

Somehow becomes his class president, seriously he just got here

His vice-president is Wanderer and at first he’s confused as to why

But then he gets to know him and realizes that he isn’t so bad

Has a problem with Ajax, another third year, solely because their first interaction was Ajax trying to pick a fight

Chief editor of the school newspaper, his sister is the Chief writer

They’re really good at recording stories and reporting them

Really popular with the student body, he’s just great at listening and giving  advice

Also really involved in other clubs events, the knitting club had a little workshop once and he made a hat that he gave to Albedo for his sister

Albedo had wanted to go but the art club had a field trip to a limited exhibit and as the president he had to go

For the school festival his class did a drama production with Aether as the prince looking for his sister

Lumine was busy with her class’ event though, so the play ended with him still on his journey but with a lot of new friends

He did manage to convince her to wear an exclamation mark above her head all day, and people could get a stamp from her to spin a wheel for a prize

Worst subjects are geography and math, best subject is history

Group projects with him are really easy, his work is always done first

Venti

The music teacher but he constantly gets mistaken for a student

Used to be a traveling musician but had kind of a Koro-sensei situation with the nameless bard

Controls the morning announcement music, the first month it’s always his music

After band auditions he has the students record for the announcements

Regularly pranks the other staff, once changed Mr.Zhongli’s desktop to a picture of [Venti]

Zhongli is too tech illiterate to change it back himself, Nahida has to help

Genuinely adores his students and is always happy to help/give advice

Actually helps run the Miss Hina advice column with Gorou since he needed and staff supervisor

Venti has no favorite student(s), he thinks they’re all amazing in their own ways and says so every graduation

It feels genuine every time because it is

Xiao

A student teacher, baffling I know

Why is this man in teaching, he seems to hate everyone

Once, his friends picked him up after school because they were going to a concert

Everyone was scared of the supposed biker gang parked out front

Then Xiao came out and started talking to them, he came back around a minute later on his bike

It was, of course, the Yaksha all dining jackets made by Menogias

He gets bombarded by questions the next day

Intimidating aura but he wants to be there for his students like his teachers were for him

It’s no surprise he was a troubled youth, it’s one of the first things you might guess about him, but you’ll remember not to judge a book by its cover once you speak with him

Also he plays the flute

Sometimes you can pass by one of the music practice rooms at lunch and here him playing, sometimes with Venti

He’s shadowing Mr. Venti because he wants to be a music teacher, though he’s also really good with history

Kazuha

Third year, so his last year

Not part of band, but sometimes he joins as a guest

He was a part of band for the first two years, but his friend died over the summer and he just can’t commit to it right now

Childhood friends with Wanderer, though they’ve only recently reconnected because Kazuha gets why Wanderer shut him out in the first place

He hangs out with the gym teacher Beidou, she encourages him to stop by the judo club

She understands he doesn’t want a club commitment right now, but she thinks he needs something to keep him busy

He stops by Friday practices after school

Almost became Lumine’s vice-president for their class but lost out to Gorou

Gorou wasn’t going to run, but he didn’t want Kazuha to have to back out of the position and get asked questions

Has lunch in one of the stairwells with Gorou, Kokomi, Ayato, and Ayaka

When they’re busy with club stuff he’ll wither sit in the music room or in Beidou’s office, depending on if there’s band practice or not

A very good student and absolutely someone you want in your group

Doesn’t have a worst subject but his best subject is language

Heizou

A second year

He’s president of a detective club, they talk about crime shows, podcasts, and novels

Also a bit of a prankster and very hard to catch

Like if you don’t watch him do it you won’t be able to get him in trouble

His co-president Sara Kujo hates this

Wants to be a detective because his childhood friend was killed in an unsolved crime

Last year his club ran a murder mystery scavenger hunt for the school festival

He has been asked no less than 20 times if they’re doing it again this year

His club supervisor is Mr. Neuvillette, he teaches the laws of Teyvat class

He is also not happy with Heizou’s pranks, the the drama teacher Ms. Furina finds them hilarious

Ms. Furina cast him as the detective in this years play, the first years were annoyed that there were no auditions but once they realized he was basically a real life detective they were on board

Speaking of being a real life detective, if you lose something ask him

There is literally a column in the school paper to report lost objects

It’s usually returned within 2 days

Science is his worst subject but he’s still really good at it

Group projects with him are terrifying because he doesn’t finish it until the day before, but he does always get it done

Best subject is literature, really good at analysis

Wanderer

A third year, is often mistaken as a first year

Attends with his sister Raiden who’s a second year

His mother, Ei, is a teacher

First years, including when he was a first year, always avoid him because he looks like a delinquent

He liked that fear because it meant no one would bother him

Ei was worried though, he never really got over the death of his best friend when he was younger

Childhood friends with Kazuha, Kazuha’s grandpa was their neighbor so they were close

Niwa, Kazuha’s grandpa, died around the same time as Wanderer’s first friend whom he’d met at daycare

And he never really coped with it, at first he was really clingy with Kazuha and then he seemed to want nothing to do with him

They’re starting to rekindle their friendship now, Kazuha actually gets him now, as grim as that sounds

Part of the debate club because Nahida, the history and technology teacher, thought his essays were always amazingly persuasive

He joined at first because it let him call people idiots without getting in trouble, eventually he realized he actually enjoyed it

Got into detention once with Ajax because he punched him, to be far Ajax did say “fight me”

The start of a begrudged friendship

Worst subject is gym because he doesn't really try, he only puts in enough effort to not fail

His second worst subject is bio, and his best subject is history

His group work skills are 50/50, on one hand he will not communicate unless something is really wrong but on the other he finishes his work quickly and neatly

[hellfiremunsonn]

Two Night Stand. Joseph Quinn x Reader

Two Night Stand.

I DO NOT ALLOW MY WRITING TO BE REPUBLISHED ANYWHERE OTHER THAN MY OWN BLOG WITHOUT MY CONSENT

WEEK ONE PROMT: Snow day/Snow storm Summary: Loosely based off the movie “Two Night Stand” you sleep over at Josephs apartment, and in an attempts to leave he tells you that the two of you are snowed in. Forced to face your emotions, you and Joseph end up finally getting together. 

18 + IF YOU ARE NOT 18 OR OLDER DO NOT READ OR INTERACT WITH MY WRITING. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR MINORS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDIA YOU CONSUME.

AN: Thank u to @creme-bruhlee​ and @syddsatyrn​ for letting me talk through my writing with you a million times. I love u guys so much <3 

ANPART2: This is part of Sydd and I’s Christmas Celebration “30 days of Christmas” for more info on the weekly prompts click the link HERE and come join us!

Warnings: fem! reader, mention of alcohol consumption, mentions of reader basically being black out drunk the night before, TW vomiting (but no heavy descriptions of it), p in v sex, m and f orgasms, unprotected sex, (not mentioned but lets say the reader is on a form of contraceptive), swearing, after careish. (IF THERE’S ANYTHING I MISSED LET ME KNOW)

Wordcount: 5955

🎄🎄🎄🎄

Its 7:30 in the morning when your eyes open to the dimly lit bedroom you fell asleep in. Stretching slightly you stiffened when your hand brushed a shoulder next to you, reminding you of the night before. Pulling your arm back, you quickly sat up, glancing down at the person next to you.

Jospeh... Joseph Quinn. He was close friends with your best friends boyfriend, and you had gotten to know him over the past couple of years, and the two of you became quite close. Not close enough that you ever imagined yourself waking up in his bed, half naked, in one of his shirts with his arm draped around your stomach.

Sure Jospeh was beautiful, and funny, talented, and apparently a fantastic kisser if you remember last night correctly- but you weren't supposed to sleep with him and judging by the small ache in your temples, you couldn't remember if you did or not. The night currently only being half clear before it gets foggy. This wasn't part of your plan, and now you're sat next to him with your heart hammering in your chest. Was this going to change everything? Could you remain friends, or were you bound to become something more?

Years ago when you shook his hand for the first time at your mutual friends engagement party a crush on him blossomed, but because of who he was you had decided to keep your  small crush on him to yourself, not wanting him to think you were just another girl pining over him like the rest of the world, so you easily settled for being friends; Plus there was no possible way he could like you back the way you liked him... Right?

Around eight pm the night before you were sprawled out on your couch, scrolling through dating apps, and not finding a single person that seemed interesting enough. A few months prior you had ended your engagement with your terrible fiancee after you found out he was cheating on you, which lead you to tonight, on those shitty dating apps once again while on FaceTime with Joseph. The two of you enjoying each others company without saying much.

"If I see one more person holding up a fish, I might actually throw my phone" You groaned, letting your phone drop to the floor next to you, rolling onto your side to face your laptop screen.

Joseph snickered, his hand running over his chin to scratch lightly at his scruff before returning his attention back to you, head tilting as he looked at you.

"Don't laugh at my struggles Joseph" you said with a pout.

"I'm not, I'd never do such a thing" he teased.

"Yeah, yeah, fuck off" You said flipping him the finger.

"C'mon, dating can't be that hard, you're hot, and have great tits, someone is bound to want to hook up"

"Easier said than done" you huffed. "And coming from you? You could get any girl you wanted with the snap of your fingers"

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah fucking right, they want Eddie Munson not me"

"Oh bullshit, have you taken a look in the mirror? You're hot and talented, regardless of Eddie Munson, and if you'd ever take a look on the internet, women are literally drooling over you"

He shrugged, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Dating was a weird topic for the both of you. The two of you constantly hyped each other up, and told each other how great you were, but you never seemed to find someone who fit together with you like the way Joseph fit with you. You never were really sure how you felt about him, so instead of acknowledging it, you just ignored it, it was just easier to be friends.

"You really think I have great tits?" You said with a cheeky smile, attempting to lighten the mood slightly.

"With the amount of times I've seen you try to get them out when you're drunk at parties? Yeah I'd say they're pretty great" He laughed lightly, bringing his bottle of beer to his lips and taking a slow sip. "Especially in that one dress you wear all the time"

"The black one?" You said with a knowing smile, glancing up at him over the glass of red wine you'd been nursing. It was your favourite dress, you could pair it with almost anything, able to dress it up or down, and it made your body look fucking fantastic.

"That's the one" he said tipping his beer back once more.

The front door of your apartment creaked open and your very bundled up roommate came stumbling through the door.

"Oh Joe, Jane just walked through the door, I'll call you back after I chat to her for a bit" You said leaning forward towards your laptop.

"Hi Jane!" He yelled.

"'Hi!" She yelled back over her thick scarf.

"I'll text you!" You said to him before waving and ending the call. Turning your attention back to Jane to find her standing in front of you with her hands on her hips.

"Hi?" you said confused.

"You should hook up with him" she stated flatly.

You choked on your own spit. Coughing into your hand while the other was held over your heart. "Excuse me?"

"With Joseph!" She said while retreating into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Are you insane? He's like one of my closest friends"

"Exactly! I'm sure the two of you can handle a one night stand with each other" She shrugged, taking a sip from her water. "You're both shit at dating, I'm sure there's a lot of pent up tension" she wiggled her eyebrows at you and you groaned in response.

"Oh come on! Aren't you horny?"

"Ah-ha! See, I knew you two little freaks were having these conversations when I'm not around" Dimitri, your roommates boyfriend, who had a spare key, slid into the kitchen with you two, kissing her on the cheek before standing across from you both.

"Hi Dimitri" you said with a smile. "Well, yes, no I'm horny, but I'm also somewhat lazy? So the two counteract, like dueling wizards" Your nose scrunched. "That sounded more normal in my head"

"Well not anymore, call him, set up a date!" Jane encouraged, grabbing a bowl of washed grapes out of the fridge and placing them on the counter.

"With who?" Dimitri asked, popping a grape into his mouth.

"Joseph" she said quickly, crossing her arms in triumph.

"Huh, I can see that" Dimitri said thoughtfully.

"You're just agreeing with her cause you're dating her!" You yelled in protest.

He raised his hands in defence and took a couple more grapes before retreating into the living room.

The both of them laughed and you couldn't help but join in. You bit your lip while thinking it over. You knew she was right, and that you and Jospeh could probably handle a one night stand. Because it was exactly that, a one night stand, but you couldn't justify losing your friendship over something you didn't even know if he would want to do.

"Fine!" You yelled. "But I'm not sleeping with him! I'm only going to hang out with him!" Stomping your way over to your phone, picking it up to text Joseph who just so happened to have already texted you.

Joseph Quinn: Do you want to come over?

You: Like right now?

Joseph Quinn: Yeah

Joseph Quinn: It's too cold to go out and I don't wanna keep drinking alone

You: Sure

You: I'll leave in 20?

Joseph Quinn: Sounds good xx

Joseph Quinn: Text me when ur here

You: *Thumbs up Emoji*

Which leads you back to your current position. Stuck. In Joseph Quinns bed.

You dropped your head into your hands, groaning quietly as it only increased the thumping in your skull. Removing his arm from your waist you pulled back the covers and slid out of his bed as gently as you possibly could, while trying not to disturb him.

You were going to get dressed, steal some Tylenol, and get the hell out of there. The minute you fully stood up, the room spun and you had to lean on the bed for support, stomach lurching. You covered your mouth with one hand, breathing through your nose, begging your body to relax, and not throw up. The spinning stopped but the nausea didn't, saliva pooling in your mouth, so you rushed into Jospehs on-suite bathroom slamming the door a little too loudly before falling to your knees in front of the toilet, your stomach rejecting every ounce of food and drink from the night before.  Each heave of your stomach made the throbbing in your head only increase, it felt like someone was taking a hammer to your skull.

After a few minutes, and a couple curtesy flushes later there was a soft knock on the door. "Babe?" Jospehs voice laced with sleep, still low and raspy.

"I'm fine" You rushed, panicking when you heard the door handle move. "Don't come in!"

He laughed, ignoring you and opening the door to hand you a cold water bottle. You took it gratefully, placing it next to you while you rested your head on your folded arms, against the toilet seat.

"Rough night?" He asked, leaning up against the counter, the muscles in his arms bulging from where he leaned on them. He was distracting. Shirtless, with his pyjama pants hung low on his hips, happy trail painfully on display and you were pretty sure he wasn't wearing underwear. You felt your face heat up and you looked away from him, picking at a loose thread on one of your socks, apparently the only article of clothing besides your panties you were able to keep on.

You groaned, resting your forehead directly onto the toilet seat now, too in pain to care about the amount of germs festering on it.

"Shut it" you mumbled.

"I told you to stop, but you wouldn't listen" his voice laced with amusement. "Said you had to be more drunk because I make you nervous"

You swore your heart stopped for a second. "I said that?" You asked, looking up at him.

He nodded. "Yeah, I think it's the most honest you've been about your feelings towards me"

"What are you talking about?" you questioned, your heart beating a little quicker, and you couldn't tell if you felt sick from nerves, or because you were going to throw up again.

"I'm not blind you know" he said with a smirk.

"Did I say anything else?" You asked, ignoring his comment.

"Yeah, a lot actually, but that can wait until later" He said coming to stand next to you, leaning into the shower and turning it on, hand under the stream of water, testing it until it was warm enough.

"C'mon" he said while offering both this hands to you.

You glanced between him and the toilet, trying to figure out if you were okay enough to get into the shower.

"You're not going to be sick again, c'mon, and I'll stay in here to make sure you don't pass out in the shower and crack your head open"

"Well I wasn't worried about that second part until you mentioned it, so thanks for that" You said reaching up to grab onto his hands, standing on shaky legs while the room spun again. Only for a few seconds and it didn't cause any nausea.

"I'm sorry for all of this, I don't need to shower, just let me get dressed and then I'll be out of your hair" you sighed.

"No you can't" Joseph rushed.

"No really, It's fine, I'll be okay" you said shaking your head.

"No, I mean it, you actually can't" he said sheepishly

"Why not?" You said raising an eyebrow.

"Well I was gunna order in breakfast, but the roads are so bad, and the door is kind of frozen shut according to the landlord" He scratched the back of his head. "We're kind of snowed in" he said with a small shrug.

Of course this would happen to you. You'd get stuck in your best friends apartment, hung over, and holding his hands while you stand in front of him barely dressed.

"Shit" you mumbled. "I guess I don't really have a choice, I'm cursed, this is penance"

Joseph laughed. "You think god, made the snow storm to punish you?"

"No, I think my grandmother did it, I just don't know how" You said squinting your eyes up at him slightly.

"Alright, c'mon, shower time" he said while bringing his hands to snake under your shirt, pulling it up until you stopped him. "Joseph!" you squealed slightly embarrassed.

"What?" he said genuinely confused, eyes searching your face.

"You can't just start undress me like that" you mumbled.  "You've- We've, You've never seen me, or my-" he cut you off.

"You don't remember taking all your clothes off last night do you?" He said with a cheeky smile.

"No I did not" you said feeling your cheeks warm.

He nodded, biting at his bottom lip to keep his smile at bay. "The knickers stayed on, but yeah, you went full tits out babe" You could tell he was trying his hardest not to laugh, but you couldn't pretend you didn't see the pink colour that rose to his cheeks.

"Oh god!" You groaned, covering your face with your hands. "I can't believe I did that, I'm so sorry"

"Hey, I've seen tits before, nothing new to me" he said trying to play it cool.

"But you've never seen MY tits Joseph" you protested. "I wish I could have seen your reaction" you said honestly, a small laugh bubbling out from your chest.

"Truthfully? I panicked, I didn't know what to do, so I shoved one of my shirts on you, didn't really get a good look" He scratched the back of his head, suddenly unable to look at you directly, going back to leaning against the counter.

"Oh" you said quietly. "You can look, if- If you want, you know, while I shower..." you said bashfully "Not like I can really hide behind the glass anyway" you laughed awkwardly.

"Thank you" he said "For y'know- Uh being comfortable with that"

You smiled, reaching down to tug off the oversized shirt of his you were still wearing, peeling off your socks and then your underwear, holding them in front of your lower half awkwardly. "Could you, um, grab my toothbrush, and the toothpaste" you said pointing to the little basket behind him.

"Oh uh, y-yeah" he stuttered, turning to grab you your items and when we reached out to hand them to you, you dropped the clothes onto the ground and you could hear his breath hitch. Still he kept his eyes up when you took your things from his hands, and even if you felt shy you wanted him to look.

Turning your back to him and stepped into the shower, leaving the sliding glass door open just a little, knowing that when you turned he would tilt his head to look at your ass.

Your shower was quick, but it helped wake you up, and ease the ache in your skin from puking, and the thumping in your head. You washed your hair, and body with Joes stuff he kept in his shower, smiling when the smell of him enveloped you and the steamy air around you. You turned off the shower and peaked your head around the side of the door smiling when you saw Joseph still standing there. "Towels please?"

He leaned over and handed you two freshly clean towels, smelling of laundry detergent and him.

"Safe enough to leave you on your own?" he asked.

"Yeah I think I can manage" You said emerging from the shower wrapped in one towel and the other one on your head.

Joseph left you alone to get dressed. You took your time, blushing when you noticed the pair of clean underwear and a different shirt with a pair of sweatpants of Josephs folded neatly on the counter. You were here enough that you left articles of clothing around, and embarrassingly enough also your underwear. You shook your head before slipping them up your legs, wondering just how many pairs of your panties Joseph might have in his possession.

Taking out the shitty hair dryer from under the sink, and drying your hair until it was no longer dripping wet. Sliding Josephs clothes on your body before  heading to the kitchen where you could smell a greasy breakfast being cooked up and your mouth watered, for a good reason this time.

"I should sleep over all the time if you're going to be making me breakfast" You said coming to sit on one of the stools at the island in the kitchen.

"Only because I don't want you chucking up anymore in my clean bathroom" he teased, looking over his shoulder at you while he shifted around what you assumed was bacon.

You cringed. "Yeah sorry about that... I shouldn't have had that much... You just" You trailed off, growing nervous about what you wanted to say. You were tired with lying about your feelings towards him. "You make me nervous" you said honestly with a huff.

He chuckled, turning to face you, while sliding bacon on two plates, along with a hefty amount of hash browns and a couple of pancakes.  "Yeah you mentioned that last night"

"Well it's still true" you said leaning your hand on your cheek, picking at a piece of pancake and popping it into your mouth.

He came to sit next to you, and the two of you ate mostly in silence, enjoying the hum from the radio that was playing Christmas music, and watched the big fluffy snowflakes dance past the window.

After a cup of coffee, two Tylenol's, and an anti-nauseant you slowly started to feel normal again. Licking syrup off of your pinkie with a satisfied hum, going to bring your thumb to your mouth, but Joseph grabbed your hand lightly, never breaking eye contact while he look the pad of your thumb into his mouth and licked the remains syrup off of it.

"Y-you can't just do stuff like that" you whispered. Your voice unable to get any louder.

"Why not?" He asked with the tilt of his head, letting go of your hand.

"You just can't" you said with a shrug, fumbling with your fingers in your lap, your thumb still wet from his mouth.

"Why can't you let yourself be honest with how you feel about me"

"You're one to talk"

"I'll tell you every ounce of everything I've ever felt for you, right now, if that's what you want" he said reaching forward to hold one of your hands again. "But I need to know why you keep pushing it away" his head dipped down to look you in the eyes, only allowing him to meet yours for a second.

You pulled your hand away from him, standing up and walking towards the large window in his living room. Crossing your arms over your chest with your hands holding onto your biceps. He followed you, leaning against the doorway while he waited for you to speak, because he knew you would, and after a few moments you did.

"I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak... Especially from you" you turned to him, eyes slightly glassy with unshed tears, and your chest ached with unspoken fears.

"You know I'd never do that to you"

"But if you did" you shook your head, physically shaking the thought out of you. "I don't think I could take it"

He walked towards you slowly, bringing his hands to hold either sides of your face, making you look at him, the tears you fought so hard to keep at bay trailed down your cheeks.

"I promise that if you give me your heart, I'll keep it safe" he kissed you on the nose. "Forever" and you knew he meant it.

A small sob escaped you. "But I don't want to ruin what we have, what will the internet say, what if it ruins everything for you"

"I don't give a shit about that, I fell in love with you, the first time we met, and I had to watch you go through a terrible breakup, and it took everything in me not to beat his arse for treating you like that, and I told myself I'd never let anything like that happen to you again"

You heart was slamming against your ribcage. Every bit of skin he touched felt like it was on fire, the snow storm outside forgotten with the warmth you felt from him. "But Joseph-"

"Will you just shut up and let me kiss you?" He said cutting you off, standing almost chest to chest with you.

You nodded, unable to form words when he was looking at you like that. He held your face so delicately in his hands, thumb smoothing over the apple of your cheek as he leaned down agonizingly slow. Dipping his head so his nose brushed the side of yours ever so slightly, and you could feel his breath on your skin. When he finally pressed his lips to yours you felt yourself melt into him. A relieved sigh coming through your nose as you wrapped your arms around his neck, standing on your tippy toes.

His hands slid from your cheeks to your neck, thumbs just under your jaw as he pushed to tilt your head back, his tongue swiping across your lips, asking for entrance, which you allowed. Deepening the kiss you mewled softly, his tongue against yours making your stomach flip. Breaking the kiss only for a moment to speak he asked. "Is this- Are, do you want this?" He said hesitantly, all while planting slow, soft, and strategically placed kisses down your jaw and to your neck, stopping at your collarbone when you didn't reply. "Sweetheart?"

You hummed, tilting your head back to look at him. Your mind already foggy as you let him engulf your senses.

He brought one hand up to your chin, thumb grazing over your bottom lip, pulling it down before letting it flip back up with a tiny 'pop' sound "Tell me"

"Yeah" you whispered breathlessly. "Please"

"Please what?" he teased softly.

"Fuck me" you blushed.

He smirked. "I'm not going to fuck you just yet" he said sliding his hands under the bottom of your shirt, fingers pressing harshly into the doughy skin of your hips. "First I'm going to make love to you, and then" He paused, biting at the skin on your shoulder. "I'm going to fucking ruin you"

"Who says you can't do both at the same time" you quipped.

He looked at you like he was going to devour you, his pupils blown out and you could see the vein in his neck jump with each rapid heartbeat. He trailed his teeth against your jaw, and before you could stop it, you whimpered.

You whimpered at his words, his touch, everything about him had you falling apart in his hands and it only fired him up more. Walking you backwards until the back of your legs hit his bed, still not breaking the kiss as he lead you to lay down on your back, hovering over you. "You're so fucking pretty" He said returning his attention to your neck, kissing and nipping along the skin.

Your hands fumbled against his skin, reaching the waist band of his pyjamas pants but he shoved your hand away.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing" he breathed into your skin, "Jus' wanna love on you first"

You whined and arched your back into him so his chest touched yours. "Impatient little thing huh?" he cooed, sliding his hands down your body, his hands resting just below your breasts, thumbs pressing into the skin there. "How long as it been?"

"What?" You breathed, watching as his hands grabbed at the bottom of your shirt, pulling it up until you leaned forward enough for him to take it off completely. He leaned down, taking one of your breasts into his hands, squishing it slightly while his tongue trailed lazily over your nipple, pebbling under his warm breath. You moaned while he moved to your other breast, giving it an equal amount of attention.

"How long has it been?" he asked again, blowing air on your wet skin, cooling it slightly.

"Since what?" You breathed. Looking down at him, raking your fingers through his hair.

"Since you've been touched like this" His voice was low, almost primal when you finally met his eyes as he slid further down your body until his lips found your hips. Kissing and biting along the waistband of the sweatpants you wore, fingers dipping into the band tugging them down slowly.

"I- uh- Don't remember" you said shaking your head, unable to form a proper sentence. "I haven't, even-"

You heard him groan when your pants slid past your ass, eyeing the damp patch on your panties that was very visible. Throwing the pants aside he came back up to hover over you, one of his hands sliding across your stomach until dipping between your legs. Tears almost instantly pooling in your eyes at the sensation.

"Fucking christ baby" he said while pressing his fingers harder into the wet fabric. "You don't touch yourself?"

"It's been a while" You mewled, pushing your hips down into his hand. He moved his hands up to pull at the band of your panties, pulling them off you in one quick motion, before returning to his position between your legs, leaning his cheek against one of your wobbly knees while slipping his fingers back down, between your slick folds.

"Pussy this pretty and you don't touch it?" he said teasing your clit with the pad of his thumb. "You're fuckin' soaked"

"Oh my god" you whined. "Please Joseph"

"What hmm? What do you need" he asked with a mocking tone, slipping one of his thick fingers into you, making your eyes roll back. He curled his finger up into you repeatedly, hitting that spongey wall just on the other side of your clit.

"This, this, fuck Joseph, I needed this, I needed you" you huffed. "I've always needed you"

He groaned into the skin of your knee, still continuing his movements as he began kissing down your leg, reaching your thigh. Kissing across your waist until you were begging under him, the word 'please' falling off of your lips over and over again.

"Please what?" He teased, blowing air onto your wet cunt. Face inches away from where you wanted him.

Your hands pushing back his hair while you made eye contact. "I need your mouth on me, please Jospeh I- uh!" You squealed when his tongue swiped up your folds, plump lips circling your clit, sucking on it ever so slightly.

"I love it when you say my name like that" He spoke against your cunt. "Fucked out and I haven't even given you my cock yet" he growled.

"If you keep fucking me with your fingers like that, I wont get to cum on your cock" you said quickly.

"Oh baby, you think you're only cumming once?" he said leaning back to look at you, his face wet with your arousal, his fingers moving quicker, his other hand rubbing circles on your clit, watching as your hips began rolling instinctively, your body attempting to reach your orgasm.

"Oh, oh, oh, keep doing that, just like that" Your orgasm shooting through you, that sharp tingle from the pit of your stomach, hitting each and every one of your limbs. The tips of your fingers and toes, it made the goosebumps rise across your skin until your moans became silent until you were gasping for air riding it out until you were sobbing.

Joseph removed his hands from you, coming back up to hover over you, smoothing your hair out of your face, his hands still wet with you. "Shh, you're okay sweet thing" he said soothingly, one hand rubbing roughly across your chest, up and down between the valley of your breasts, helping calm your breathing. "You okay? You back with me?" he said quietly.

Your head rolled to the side to look at him, a lazy smile spreading across your face. "More than okay" you said leaning forward to sit up. Grabbing onto his shoulders and pulling yourself into his lap, straddling him. His hands coming to squish at the skin on your waist while you tugged at his pants once more.

"Get these off, and get inside me" you said a little more aggressively than you meant, causing you to laugh at your own voice. "I've thought about this for way too long for me to wait one more second" you said reaching your hand into his pants to palm at his dick, hot and heavy in your hands.

"Do you want me to blow you?" you asked with eyes looking far too innocent for words like that to be coming out of your mouth. Beginning to jerk him slowly, swiping your thumb across his tip, spreading the pre cum around.

"Fucking Christ angel" he said with a laugh, like he was almost in disbelief about what was currently happening. "I wont last that long in your mouth, and I really wanna cum in that pretty pussy of yours" the grip he had on your hips tightened, his brows furrowing as he looked down between your two bodies, your hand working his now slick dick, and your cunt which was definitely leaving a darker wet patch on his pants. He moved his hands to shove his pants down the rest of the way, kicking them off the last few inches before returning his hands to your hips.

Holding onto his shoulders you kneeled above him, letting him line up his cock to your entrance, swiping it back and forth a few times, collecting your slick before pushing up into you slightly.

A high pitch mewl left your lips as your face scrunched, dropping your forehead to his while he pushed in the rest of the way.

"Oh fuck" you breathed. He stretched you out so well, easing your hips down until he filled you to the tilt. "You, you, oh my god" you hiccuped. "I feel like I can't breathe" you said tilting your head back, blissed the fuck out.

"You're taking me so well" he groaned, moving his hips up slightly. "Tight fucking pussy, made for this cock"

"I feel so f-full" you said pushing up on your knees, bouncing up and down as best as you could with how good you were feeling. The hot ache in the pit of your stomach already starting to spread. "You're fucking me so good Joey oh my god"

"Course you do, desperate little thing" He said fucking up into you harder, making tiny squeaks come out of your mouth, unable to make any other noise. "You gunna cum again pretty girl?" he said reaching down between you both to rub at your clit.

You could only nod, tears rolling down your cheeks again. "C'mere baby" he said pulling you down to his chest so you could hold onto him while you rode him while his hips continued to snap against yours, hand squished against your two bodies, rubbing messily at your clit as best as he could.

"Joey, Joey, I'm-" you mumbled into the crook of his neck, sucking and biting at the skin there, sure to leave a mark that the internet would go crazy for, but Joseph didn't care, he wasn't going to stop you, if he was making you feel this good.

"Come on baby, cum on this fucking cock" he said through gritted teeth holding off his own orgasm as he felt you start to shake on top of him.

"Fuck, fuck you, and your per-FUCK!" you yelled feeling your orgasm peak, flooding through you as you trembled and sobbed once more. You pulled back from him and started lifting your hips with him, pushing him to his orgasm like he did with yours. "Cum in me baby, please, fill me up, own me, mark my pussy"

"Filthy fucking mouth" he said shaking his head, tongue coming out over his top lip in concentration as he reached his orgasm. Cumming with a few shaky thrusts, groaning into the skin just under your collar bone, where his face rested against you.

The two of you stayed like that for a few minutes, heavily breathing against each other. You ran your hands through his hair.

"Why did we wait so long to do this?" you said quietly, laughing a little.

Joseph laughed with you, leaning back to look at you. "You're so fucking pretty, you know that?"

"You should look in a mirror" you said leaning down to kiss him softly on the lips. "I love you too, you know, if that wasn't already obvious"

"Well thank god, because with a mouth like that I'm never letting you go" he said wrapping his arms around you tightly, pulling you flush against his chest.

You giggled into him, shifting your hips slightly, causing him to hiss. "Shit sorry" you said blushing. "I just, can feel your cum dripping out of me"

Josephs face turned red while he slowly pulled himself out of you, rolling the two of you onto your sides, hand instantly on your waist. "How are you feeling? Do you need anything?" he asked while propping his head up on his hand, leaning on his elbow.

"I feel great Joseph" You giggled. "A bit achy if I'm honest, think you might have bruised my insides"

Josephs hand moved to your stomach while you laughed, pressing into the doughy skin there. "M'sorry, I wanted to be sweet about it, but that mouth of yours" he said with a whistle. "You'd get me to do just about anything"

"Good" you said leaning forward to press another soft kiss to his lips. "Cause if I remember correctly, you said you were going to ruin me?" you teased, trailing a finger down his bicep. "And I don't know about you, but I don't think I look particularly ruined"

He huffed a breath, letting his head fall back onto the bed. "You might actually be the death of me love"

Scooting closer to him, you rested your head against his chest, wrapping one arm around his torso, tilting your head to give him a quick kiss before cuddling back into him. "Maybe we can nap a little first" you said disregarding your previous statement. The warmth from Joseph calming you quickly, and the fatigue of two orgasms and good sex crawling up your body inch by inch.

"I think that's a great idea" Joseph said with a hum. "Come up 'ere, lets get into bed" he said leaning forward. You groaned in protest, pouting when he separated himself from you, but only for him to grab you and pull you up the bed easily like you weighed nothing. He wrapped his blankets around you, fluffed the pillows before you laid down onto them and kissed your bare shoulder before tugging your back into his chest, his breath warm on the back of your neck.

"I love you" he said, and although you couldn't see his face, you could hear his smile.

"I love you back" you laughed.

"Question" he said after a few moments.

"mmhmm?" you said sleepily.

"Were you going to say I had a perfect cock? when you were cumming?" the teasing tone in his voice was thick, and you resisted the urge to turn over and pinch him.

"Oh my god, shut up" you said embarrassed, shoving your face into your pillow, to which he only pulled you closer to him.

"I guess I'll just have to get you to admit it again later, but I don't think you'll be able to even form a sentence by the time I'm done with you" He nipped at your shoulder, nuzzling his face back into your neck before getting comfy behind you.

"Good" You quipped.

[secondchoice-ragdoll]

Do you think Trixie ever had feelings for Katya?

hiyaaaaaay now thats definitely a question😭 disclaimer: this is veeeery wishy-washy and fanfiction-y, based on barely anything else but *vibes* and my observations. this is strictly my perspective, and may not at all overlap w anyone's involved. none of this should be treated as actual information (just like anything else i say, pretty much).

so the quick answer is: yes. (but "feelings" is very broad)

in depth: i am 99,9% sure the answer is yes. at some point(/s), to some degree, some kinds of feelings, definitely yes. in the beginning it (whatever it was) seemed to pair with a sort of admiartion, which im sure they still have, but back then K could have been more like a far away, untouchable, sensational concept, now K is closer and she knows her well and loves and trusts her (and she is her god. never forget that😭😭😭). like rn she for sure loves K very very dearly and very very much. do you know abt that kind of love when u r not exactly sure what box to put it into, but all that matters is that its there and its a big feeling. and maybe u would be open to it being sexual/romantic too, but u might as well be fine w nothing of the sort ever happening, u just want to keep each other close. well they seem to fall under this bracket from where i stand.

obvi we know K has vocalised her opinion on the matter back in the days pretty clearly. and i'd argue that she has kept doing so up until very recently. and i'd also argue that so did T. like, the jig has been up for a decade, i think atp its their subconscious speaking sometimes, and they might not even be fully aware of how they r coming off (for example: the way they kept describing each other when asked abt their ideal partners. like, im sure they do not spend their days actively pining for each other. but like. u see it, i see it, we all see it?). im not saying they'd be perfect together w no issues and no rough times, bc thats just not realistic at all, but i know for a fact that they do love each other so very much im not even sure what a person can do w that intensitiy. (do they love each other the most? like, im not joking here, do u remember the times they have both said things like "u r my fav person" or "i definitely love u very much" or T pressing K on who she loves the most until she said her name? like??? if things have happened in the last months then i think ppl might have fallen out of Ts line who had a chance at being higher on the list (for a few possible reasons. such as being a romantic partner and how u r "supposed to" place those ones higher. but i get that. i just also have a lot of feeling abt this, surprisingly) then they *do* do love each other the most, dont they? so its all veeery complicated w them😭

the thing i am not certain abt is if T ever called it what it was, even only to herself. bc. like she doesnt seem to be a very big fan of said possibility of said feelings towards said person regardless of whether or not its true. like yes she will float the idea as a """joke""" of K being her partner at netflick in the middle of watching something totally irrelevant. but as a sentimental deep and actual reality im decently sure she does not like it. at different times of the last decade for different reasons (understandable ones, if i might add. the worst of it is that i can easily justify everything from both ends and thats why its just so UGH bc i get it. but i still think they r silly for doing things the way they do them). i think she knows on a level of being aware of what time it is, but the most in-character thing in my head would be for her to just go "no💗 like okay i see u i hear u i cant do anything but accept the fact that there is smth but just no. we got to stop, we cant be doing this. so i will not be acknowledging anything of the sort. bye". like ik it sounds stupid spelled out like this, but what i mean is that i feel like she worked on putting these things neatly away (before they even really had a chance to form into a graspable thought), and despite the box being made of glass and a little seetrought here and there, she seems to be content abt it being as it is.

and for how things are since her break? not a single fucking clue. i couldnt even tell u if i got paid to do so. i have a few ideas, all of them being based on even more nothing of a nothing than any of my other ideas. but i am seated for whenever we will be hearing abt how things went, or just seeing how things r when she is back. hope she is doing amazing wherever she is!!

[melrosing]

add the copenhagen trilogy to the my brilliant friend subgenre 😔 the childhood section REALLY hit like the first two books of my brilliant friend (less of a focus on female friendship—though there is a bit of it—but really captures that mid-20th c european working class childhood haunted by poverty misogyny and political upheaval + fantasies about getting away and strong prose) if u have any other recs PLEASE lmk because i'm also in my brilliant friend withdrawal ahhhh

ooh thank you so much for the rec! my friend actually also recced it to me a couple months back so I think I should really check it out soon. currently im in the middle of an mbf rewatch cos think im already anticipating the withdrawal after S4 💀

I wish I had more recs that hit in exactly the same way…. I liked Swing Time by Zadie Smith which was I think quite directly inspired by MBF (as in I think Smith outright says it is?? not certain but I know she loves MBF either way). and that’s about two black British girls growing up together in London. the first couple of acts I remember being fantastic but then Smith gets distracted by a bizarre subplot involving a secondary character that imo derails the book. still a great final chapter. also rec NW and White Teeth by Smith. Book of Goose by Yiyun Li is like if you simplified MBF to its barest essentials, good enough read but all the way through I was like I knoooow that’s what inspired this. so plot wise those are the nearest things I know but some other books that are maybe not quite the same hit but kind of scratch a similar spot for me:

The Country Girls trilogy by Edna O’Brien - this actually has a lot of similarities with MBF, it’s a Bildungsroman about Irish girlhood etc, studied this as part of a modern Irish lit module at uni and have thought about it often since

Patrick Melrose quintet by Edward St Aubyn - another Bildungsroman about the title character growing up in an abusive household and fighting through the trauma of it in adulthood, this also has an amazing HBO adaptation that I would rewatch if it weren’t so fucking painful lol

anything by Natalia Ginzburg - know Ferrante likes Ginzburg and I am a recent convert. I think her understated and straightforward style is very effecting and her stories are also generally portraits of the postwar Italian middle class

I’m Supposed to Protect You From All This by Nadja Spiegelman. if you know Maus (the graphic novel), this is a memoir by the writer’s daughter about her mother’s side of the family. it’s my favourite memoir I think I’ve ever read and kind of transformed the way I saw my own mother and grandmother lol

Breasts & Eggs by Mieko Kawakami - also has a lot of interesting conversations about womanhood, gender and sexuality and there are scenes in that book I think about all the time

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee - everyone and their grandmother recommends this but imo it is that good. yet another Bildungsroman but about a Korean woman living in postwar Japan

anyway might be loads I can’t remember rn but any of the above I really rec! also I’m like one away from reading everything of Ferrante’s and I haven’t found a dud yet. second fave for now is The Days of Abandonment which I think some day would make a great art house horror film lol

[bellamyblake]

hiii i don’t know if u are taking prompts but i’d love to read your take on bellamy being unconscious for a prolonged amount of time and clarke taking care of him and talking to him. fast forward to him waking up and confessing he heard everything she said while he was sleeping. i just love the way you write and it would be fun to read it!!

Okay...so this accidentally turned into a 6k fic. I wanted to write just a headcanon but this happened...I’ll post it here and then reblog the Ao3 link in you guys want to check it out there too. I hope anon doesn’t mind and that it turned out okay.

It’s set in the Canon Divergence universe, post season 2 just to give you an idea.

Clarke was cursed, she knew it. She was cursed and them moving out of Camp Jaha, away from the adults and their mom got them right where they were now.

This wasn't supposed to happen-she thought, not realizing that she was actually breathing it out loud quietly to his face while she stroked his curls away and stared into his pale features.

The big, no, enormous bandage on his head made him somehow appear smaller.

She remembered all the times she made jokes about his stubborn thick head and how he rolled his eyes and only half-smilled at her.

Clarke wanted to see that smile again, she was desperate.

Her eyes were pinned on his chest that was slowly rising and falling. Then there were the machines too, the best technology they could provide for him was, after all, at their mom's camp, so she was forced to transfer him here when she realized this was out of her control, but she didn't trust those-she needed to look at him with her eyes, as if she could somehow will him to live that way.

She rests her cheek on the side of the bed and looks up at his face, thinking back on everything that has happened just a few days ago.

He hadn't gone out on a hunting trip-now, that would've perhaps made more sense in terms of him getting hurt, no...he had left their gates in order to chop more trees with Miller and a few other guys and bring them home for all the cabins they hadn't finished.

She had been against it even though they fought a lot less now since they moved away from the adults than when they did back there or even at the dropship-the place they had chosen to come back to.

"There's no need for that, Bellamy. If someone has no place to live, they'll just go in the dropship."

"I don't want them there. It'll be cold and uncomfortable and the kids hate it anyway." he had cut off.

"The kids?"

"Come on, you know they call us mom and dad behind our backs anyway, we might as well just accept it, princess." he smiles and she beams back at him.

"We had worked hard this summer, we got everything we needed. You built most of the cabins, went out and hunt meat. We have the chicken and the cows, enough wheat to survive, even better than my mom would back at Camp Jaha. You could spare yourself this."

"We also don't have enough clothes or blankets or even chopped woods for the fire." he argued "Your medical supplies, despite your constant gathering, are pathetic and Murphy burned through the wall of our mess hall so now there's no kitchen. I have to go."

"It rained hard last night, it'll be slippery." he had rolled his eyes at her like she was his sister before she left for the sea with Lincoln a few months ago and he was scolding her to keep herself safe.

Clarke knew part of the reason why he worked so hard was so he didn't have to think about Octavia and the fact she wasn't around anymore.

"I'll be fine." he grunted back and jumped on the horse Trikru had given him as a gift after she saved five of their children from the flu last winter.

His name was Apollo (of course), it was a beautiful black boy with stunning eyes that reminded Clarke of Bellamy. She still thought the grounders only gave it away to get rid of him because he was just as stubborn as Bellamy was and only he could ever jump on him and tame him when they brought him back to camp.

Miller got in the cart they've made themselves, saluted her before the gates opened and they left but she had a sinking feeling in her stomach about it and she couldn't stop worrying all day.

When they didn't come back at around noon like they were supposed to, she tried not to panic but even Jasper asked her about it a few times and she was starting to lose her patience, so she snapped at him and some of the other kids. Dark clouds loomed over camp and just as the heavy rain started, the gates opened up and Miller screamed for help as he carried Bellamy's body in his arms.

For a second there, she felt like she lost all ground underneath her but she commanded herself to be strong and run to them.

He was unconscious and his face was covered in blood. There were lots of scratches and bruises already forming on him. When she looked down she saw his shirt was torn up and his chest looked about the same as his face did. His left arm was twisted in an unnatural way, falling down the side but the worst of it all was his head.

"What happened?"

"He slipped and fell down this steep hill really hard. We were trying to take off that tree and he just-" Miller explained out of breath "I told him not to go there because it's muddy but he didn't listen. It took us too long to take him out of there, I don't know how much blood he lost." he explains and Clarke looks back to the two other boys that were with them all covered in mud, breathing heavily...terrified that their leader was unmoving in Miller's hands.

Her fingers dug into his beautiful curls and she felt something sticky on his right side. When she turned his head away from Miller's chest, she saw the haphazard sort of bandage they've tried to put there and carefully peeled it away only for it to start bleeding just as hard immideately.

"Must've been a rock he hit or something, I don't know. Tried to make it stop but-"

"You did well. Bring him to meedbay with me." she commanded,hands already bloodied, her heart beating fast in her chest as she gave away her orders to the others in camp.

"Jasper, hot water, right now. Monty, I'm going to need you to assist me, so clean your hands well and bring as many bandages as you can. Murphy, two bottles of that awful moonshine from the kitchen, right now! Monroe, get me that knife you got on the last spring trade at Polis, warm it up on the fire and wait for me to call you, okay?" they all nodded and scattered around before she even made it inside medbay, which was just the first floor of the dropship that Bellamy himself had arranged for her this summer.

She still remembers how angry he had been when he came over one day and told her she can’t treat patients in that chaos and clutter. Clarke had gotten mad that he called it that and they yelled at each other for about ten minutes.

It was then when she couldn’t help herself and pushed him to the wall, pressing her lips against his and kissing him hard. He immideately kissed her back too. Then they pulled away, stared at each other for a moment and left before they could even begin talking about it.

It happened a few more times after-once when they were in the woods, gathering herbs for her when she tripped over and he got all crazy about her being hurt. He insisted he carried her to the cart and placed her on the back, wrapping her ankle in a bandage and elevating it on his jacket.

When he leaned over to check how her head was, he stared in her eyes a little too long and this time it was him who initiated the kiss.

That one moment got a bit more heated with him sneaking his hand under her shirt and pulling her body to his. She felt the buldge in his pants and he the heat in her center. His fingers moved to her breasts and undid her bra while his other hand slipped inside of her.

Just like before, when they were done they didn’t talk about it. She wanted to but something stopped her and he looked like a stormy cloud, eyebrows furrowed, cheeks bright red as he urged the horses to get them home.

He carried her to her cabin and commanded her not to even think about doing anything in the next few days. To make sure, he posted Miller and Monroe right outside, so every time she tried to leave, they stopped her.

And the third and final time was just about a week before this all had happened. They were right here in medbay and she had finally agreed to let him put some order into her chaotic system. He had won her by bringing built-in wooden shelves that he made himself in his spare time (which she had no idea how he found but she was aware he got up earlier than everyone else) and they started hanging them together.

He was the one to fall hard on his ass this time and this should’ve been her cue something was off because she noticed how he lost his balance out of nowhere. She had rushed to him and leaned over while he tried to get back to his surroundings.

“How did that happen?” she had asked angrily, picking up his chin and staring into his eyes.

“I don’t know, you tell me, you were the one staring at my ass, marvelling my body, princess.”

“Was not!” she slapped his chest “I’m serious!”

“I don’t know...just got a little black before my eyes.” he mumbled huffing annoyed at her but felt his hands moving to her sides, watched his devilish smirk reappear.

“Did you have breakfast?”

“I never eat in the morning.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Well you’re gonna do it from now on!” she said sternly. “That’s an order.”

“I don’t take orders from you, princess.”

“Don’t you?” it was her turn to smile a little devilishly before she captured his lips with hers.

Of course he moaned a little and she knew this time, she would be in charge when she let her hand slip down to his pants and cup the buldge that was already forming there, satisfied that she had that sort of an effect on him.

“Someone can catch us.” he acknolwedged this, whatever it was, for the first time then and gripped her body tighter as he moaned and pulled her closer, feeling her breasts rub against his rock hard chest.

“Then you can lift me up and carry me to the storage room if you don’t think you’ll pass out again, grandpa.” she whispered in his ear. He chuckled and picked her up in his arms with such ease, she yelped.

They came so close to actually fucking then but he stopped himself and let her jerk him with her hand while he sucked on the skin of her neck and massaged her breasts.

When they were done and were trying to put their clothes back on, she attempted approaching the subject carefully.

“What are we doing here, Bellamy?” he looked at her briefly and shrugged a little, keeping his back to her.

“I don’t know.” with that he fixed his belt, got his holster on and gave her a small nod before leaving.

“Get breakfast!” she insisted yelling after him.

He hadn’t done so, she had asked Murphy about it and decided she’ll show him so by being angry with him which resulted in a week of snapping and rather irrational and stupid behavior from both sides.

He kept to himself, mostly going out hunting or working in the woodshop which is what he called the corner under the big tree behind the dropship, south by their wall. She wanted to go there many times but stopped herlself as she wasn’t really sure how to feel about whatever this thing between them was but also because she was angry he refused to take proper care of himself but hypocritically went after her whenever he noticed her not eating and shoved a plate in her hands or wrapped her in hats and scarves once the snow hit.

He was a stupid little self-sacrificial idiot.

The urge to bang his head with a pan and pull him for a kiss was equally strong.

But back then in medbay as she was trying to save his life, all she could think about was that she would kill him if he died, so she focused and tried to do her best. She let Monty to clean the wounds on his chest upon determining them not as serious while she focused on his head. The hole was rather big and deep, she had to clean it up and stitch it well but she noticed there was some swelling at the back of his head too which she didn’t like. His pupils were barely responsive and his breathing was too uneven.

At first she thought she can pull it all by herself. He’d be fine, he just had to rest, the swelling would go down and he’ll get better. She had fixed his dislocated shoulder, wrapped his twisted knee in gauze and put ice on his broken ribs. He had somehow managed to fuck almost every part of his body but what really worried her was his head and the fact that after the first night, he burnt a fever, his breathing got worse and his pulse weaker.

That’s when she had asked Raven to radio her mom. Abby and Kane, of course, agreed to take them in, despite the fact they hadn’t separated on the best of terms. Clarke knew the adults were hoping the delinquents would come running back to them after the winter was through but all scouts and reports, even the grounder ones, said that Camp Jaha was less prepared for the harsh conditions than the Dropship.

They had also managed to establish better connections with the grounders and offer them medical help and assistance as well as some tech in exchange for help with crops and livestock, something her mom and Kane had not succeeded in no matter how hard they tried.

When her mom took a look at Bellamy, her eyebrows furrowed and she got too serious and quiet. Jackson had attached him to an IV while Clarke explained everything that had happened and what she had done to help him but she had been frantically twisting her hands beside her mom, waiting for her diagnosis.

Once Abby's hands moved to his skull and undid the bandage she had made, she carefully dragged her fingers over the scar, then turned his head right and looked up while examining him as she concentrated better this way.

“There’s lots of swelling back here.” she determined and Clarke shot up on her feet. “It’s pressing on his brain hard, that’s why his breathing is so bad and his pulse weak. The fall must’ve been rather strong, the impact his body made with the ground and whatever caused that wound...probably a rock was severe. It’s a miracle he made it out alive at all.”

Clarke wnated to scream-of course he made it. He is Bellamy. Her Bellamy. And he wasn’t going anywhere. She had to force herself to bite back on her emotions and try to sound calm and collected instead.

“What do you think? Will he wake up on his own?”

“Not unless I help him.” she determines “And still...there’s a chance he may not.” Clarke purses her lips and gives her a hard look.

“What do you have to do?”

“Basically make another hole at the back of his skull to relieve the pressure and put him in a medical induced coma until we can determine it’s safe for him to hopefully regain his consciousness.”

“Have you done it before?”

“More than once. There were many work incidents on the Ark.” she had reached out to touch Clarke’s hand but she pulled away immideately and Abby’s face fell “I’ll take good care of him.” Clarke had nodded but the truth was she didn’t believe anyone but herself when it came to Bellamy.

She had no choice, though, so she had to command herself to be strong as she watched her mom wheel him into surgery while she curled up sitting on the metal hallway floor and prayed that he would be okay.

Now here they were, just a few days after her mom had successfully operated on him.

He was still unconscious and she hadn’t left her side. Her eyes fell to map his body from head to toe again-every morning she picked up a clean towel and dipped it in the water, cleaning his face and chest with it, thinking that this is how she could make him feel better.

Bellamy’s first job when he woke up was to wash his face and soap his neck and chest, even in the winter when it was cold. She had caught him by the barrels of water near the kitchen more than once and let her eyes linger for a bit.

Now she squeezed the towel and gently ran it down his face, trying not to stir his head too much, afraid she may cause him pain.

“Your breathing is much better.” she told him “And your pulse is stronger. Mom says they can take you off the meds tonight which means you can wake up tomorrow.” she smiled when she moved the towel to his neck and chest, rubbing against it softly “You’re going to wake up, right?” she asked, her voice breaking up a little.

Clarke bows her head and squeezes her eyes shut, feeling her tears drop on his clammy and somewhat cold skin.

“I’m sorry-” she shook her head “I promised I’ll be strong but...it’s hard seeing you like this.” she cleans up his side, the bruise on his ribs, his stomach all the while avoiding the IVs they had in his arms or the machines they had attached to his chest.

Then she pulls up the blanket to his middle and cups his cheek softly.

“I’m angry with you, you know? That’s just one more reason for you to wake up-I know you love seeing me yell at you.” she smiled and moved closer, kissing his forehead while the tears kept streaming down her eyes and fall on his face.

She moved up and brushed them away before kissing his closed eyelids, then his cheek, after which she ran her thumb over his soft lips.

“You were so stupid! I told you not to go out there but you did anyway. I hate how you pretend that you don’t care about anything yet you walk around camp and make sure everyone’s fine, even me. I know you gave Jasper and Monty the cabin that was supposed to be for you. I saw Monroe dragging the deer pelts you use for your belt to her tent and I am sure now you’ve been giving your breakfast rations to Sterling because he’s still too weak after his sickness and honestly? It makes me want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you so hard, so you can remember yourself, Bellamy Blake!” she whispered.

“Where are you in all of these scheming and secret missions, huh? Who takes care of you?” she rests her head against his chest and hugs him tight, listening to the steady beating of his heart under her ear. “I should’ve noticed it earlier...I should’ve...talked to you about it, not that you would’ve listened but I would’ve at least tried. Maybe if I had you wouldn’t be here.” she moves up and looks at him, still expecting for him to just wake up and snap back at her.

“Anyway, I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere.” she promised.

It was that night when she started sleeping curled up next to his good side under the thick blankets her mom provided.

The first time she came to check up at him at night and found her there, her eyes widened and she was clearly surprised but she thankfully had the decency to keep her thoughts to herself. In the morning, when Clarke hadn’t moved up, Abby tried asking if she’s comfortable enough like this to which she got a snappy responce from Clarke that she almost regretted after.

The days kept going like this, one after the other and to her it felt like she was in some sort of dream-like state. Still, she didn’t give up.

There was no reason he wouldn’t wake up on his own, her mom said-he’s breathing on his own, his heart’s stable and though he’s weak and lost blood, she still had hope he had been through the worst of it.

Yet, he wasn’t opening his eyes and it was killing her.

Every night she talked to him, ignoring all letters or radio calls from camp. She had left Miller and Raven in charge-they could deal for a week or two while Bellamy woke up. He had done more for them than anyone else, he deserved to be left at peace, the rest of it be damned.

Or so she thought, though deep down she was feeling responsible and her worry grew no matter how hard she tried to push it down.

“You know we never really talked about it...” she spoke to Bellamy one evening when she had curled up by his side getting ready for sleep that she knew she’d barely get anyway “whatever this thing between us...is. I know why you pulled away the last time-it’s too uncertain, this life, camp, the kids-it’s a lot of responsibility that falls on us and this makes it all the more complicated, right? What would they say if we got together? How would we cope with everything if we chose to take this path? I get it but...I don’t know-” she ran her hand up and down his chest “Somehow I think we could do it as much as it all scares me.” she had looked up at him “What do you think?”

Of course, no responce came but she still moved up and kissed his lips, feeling her heart desperately beat against her chest.

“You have to wake up, Bellamy.” she begged “You have to get back to me because if you don’t....I don’t think I’d be able to do this by myself. And it’s not just the camp or dealing with the grounders...I can’t imagine my life without you in it.” she had sobbed out and buried her head in the crook of his neck as she ran her fingers through his curls “Please...please, wake up, Bellamy.”

Clarke cried herself to sleep that night. In the morning, she was awaken by her mom who wasn’t alone this time-there was Kane and...Miller there.

“What are you doing here?’ she had asked, moving up from bed and feeling her cheeks burn as if she was caught doing something bad and not just slept next to the person she cared most in the world for right now.

“Clarke...” Miller began carefully “We need you back at camp.”

“No, I can’t leave. Bellamy’s still not awake and-”

“The first snow hit...there’s already a few cases of the flu going around. Raven and I tried to keep it together but...we need you to come back before it gets worse.”

“No...I can’t go! I can’t leave him!” she said, feeling the panic rise in her chest.

“Clarke, honey-” her mom tried but she snapped at her.

“Don’t!” she cut off “I know what you’re going to suggest. We’re not coming back here. We’re fine on our own.”

“That’s not what I was-”

“I don’t want to hear it!”

“Clarke, please!” Miller tried, taking a step forward after looking at Bellamy’s lifeless body “I know how much you care about him but we need you too.” she felt the anger building up in her chest as she came closer too.

“You need me? What about Bellamy who needed you to get him to camp faster after he fell or at least get a proper bandage instead of a dirty rag that gave him infection?”

“Clarke-” her mom tried.

“He’s been sacrificng his life for you and this is what you do?” Miller’s face got paler by the minute, his eyes filled with tears but he bite his lower lip and stood tall against Clarke who was prodding his chest with her index finger.

“You are his best friend, for god’s sakes, how could you let this happen to him?” she raised her voice and Miller looked like he had just been slapped.

There was a moment of silence in which Clarke realized she had taken this too far and turned her back to them out of shame and fear. Her hand shot to Bellamy’s lifeless one and she squeezed it hard.

She heard Miller ask Abby and Kane to leave them alone before he moved closer and put his hand on her shoulder.

“You’re right about everything.” he said quietly without forcing her to turn around but simply letting her know he’s there “I should’ve been faster, should’ve made a proper bandage. The truth is I never thought I’d see him that hurt and I panicked.” his voice broke for a moment and Clarke turned sideways, catching his eyes.

“But you have to understand, I’d never come here and ask you to get back to us unless I thought it was absolutely necessary.” he swallows hard “I know how you feel about him.” that made her look away with her cheeks burning even hotter.

“I...I don’t-”

“You don’t have to deny it. I can see it clearly, so can the others.”

“They can?” he huffs out a weak laugh.

“You’re not exactly trying to hide it, Clarke. Plus the sexual tension drives us all nuts. We all bet on when you’ll finally sleep together and release us of this torture.” she chuckles out a laugh and lets Miller pull her to his chest “I know it’s a lot...what I’m asking but you wouldn’t be leaving him alone. I’ll stay while you’re back home. I know you’re scared of being in Camp Jaha on your own and I wouldn’t let him be by himself even if he was awake and coherent.”

She looks up at him and sees that he understands her worries extended to more than just Bellamy’s condition-they were the leaders of the Dropship and as much as she loved her mom and Kane she had no idea what they’d do if they wanted to try and push them to bring their two camps back together with force.

Bellamy being weak and sick made the situation even harder.

Miller was right-she had to go back, had to take care of camp and heal the sick kids, then bring Bellamy home with her if he was doing better. As much as she wished to do that now, she knew that he was still rather unstable and her mom’s medical equipment could save his life if necessary. His heart had been a little off the other night and he had a fever in the morning, so she wasn’t going to risk transfering him back home when he barely survived them getting him here.

She and Miller talked through the details and when everything was decided and he caught her up on the latest things in camp, she asked him to give her a few minutes to say goodbye to Bellamy.

Clarke waited for Miller to not just close the door but hear him walk down the hallway and once she was certain it was just them, she sat on the bed by his side, took his hand and cupped his cheek.

“Hey, I don’t know if you can hear me but I still have to say this.” she began quietly, looking down at his motionless face. His cheek was clammy and he felt a little hot to her again but he was just as beautiful to her as ever.

“I have to go back to camp.” she let out with a trembling voice “That doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you or leaving you alone. Miller will be here to kick your ass and finally get you to wake up. I still believe you’ll be alright and nothing will ever change that, no matter how much time passes-weeks or months. You will come back to me, Bellamy Blake.” she insisted

“I know it because...I love you. I’m aware it’s too early to say this, we never even properly discussed what happened but I feel it in my heart and I know yours says the same. You’ve showed it to me a million times by now because love is not just about words-it’s about you shoving plates in my hands, wrapping me in warm jackets, yelling at me for working too hard or carrying me to bed when I’ve passed out in medbay.”

At that her tears were already falling down on their joined hands.

“When you get better, I swear, I’m going to kick your ass so hard, you won’t be able to spell your name. Then after I’m done, I’ll kiss you and break your world in two and if you call me princess one more time...well actually, I do kind of like it when you use it but I’ll never admit it.” she choked out a little “There’s more waiting for us out there, okay?” she finally moved down and pressed her lips agains his, then ran her fingers down his cheek and rubbed her thumb under his eye “I’ll see you soon, Bellamy Blake.”

She allows herself to cry on the way home, wrapped up in a bunch of blankets on the back of the cart Miller came here with. They didn’t have the luxary of Rovers like their mom did and even when she offered it, Clarke denied her. Sterling was the one taking her back to camp-the same boy Bellamy had given his rations to was now taking her away from him. He was still as rail-thin as before but his cheeks were flushed red. His eyes were sad and he only nodded just barely to her when she made it on.

If he heard her cry, he didn’t let it show and she was grateful for him.

The moment she sets foot back on the Dropship, she commands herself to be strong and gets back to her old self-not just for the others but for Bellamy, because she knew that’s what he would’ve wanted from her.

That doesn’t stop her from crying herself to sleep every night when she hides in the storage room and sleeps on the floor, remembering their last time there.

It’s the third day after she left Bellamy back in Camp Jaha, she’s elbow deep in fixing Collin-a thirteen year old boy’s broken leg, when Raven storms in the dropship. Clarke had been angry the kids went out there to supposedly fish but instead decided to skate and have fun while Bellamy was out there fighting for his life but she couldn’t really blame them-life went on no matter what and that scared her like nothing else. She had five more patients-three sick kids that she had secluded to the other corner and two more with breaks from the snowly weather.

"Clarke-” Raven calls out to her frantically but she doesn’t turn around right away.

Work, she had realized, provided for a good distraction.

“I’m busy, Raven. Whatever it is, it can wait.” she insisted while wrapping Collin’s leg in a bandage and trying to fix the torniquet in a way that would allow the kid to move his foot even if a bit.

“No, it can’t.” she says with urgency “It’s Bellamy.” Clarke’s head snaps at her friend and she drops the bandages. There’s a moment of complete silence in the room and Clarke knew she wasn’t the only one staring at Raven expectantly.

“He’s awake.”

She feels the tears gather in her eyes and moves closer to Raven.

“He’s awake?” she asks with fear, feeling like she’s dreaming and she’d wake up any minute now to the realization that none of this was true. It had happened in the past few weeks more often than she was willing to admit.

Raven nods and lifts her hand up, offering the radio.

“Miller wants to talk to you.” Clarke grabs it and leaves medbay before anyone can stop her.

Everything keeps feeling like a dream after that-she is on her way to Camp Jaha just an hour after she talks to Miller who confirms that Bellamy woke up but he was still rather weak and tired, so they let him sleep for now. Her mom said he seemed good, his vitals were strong and while it’ll take him a while to recover, he seemed coherent, answered all her questions and of course...asked for Clarke.

She should’ve been there. She should’ve goddamn been there when he came back.

Clarke doesn’t cry this time, she’s staring ahead, jaw clenched, hands clasped together, eyes boring into the near distance of the approaching Camp Jaha.

She jumps off the cart before anyone can say something-distinctly she recognizes Kane trying to talk to her as well as a few others but she strides towards the wreackage that was Alpha station where Bellamy was and basically starts running down the hallways once she gets inside, unashamed of all the looks people throw her way.

Once she gets there, she thankfully sees no sight of her mom-in all honesty, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to deal with her now but the curtains surrounding his bed were pulled and she stops, listening to Miller’s voice.

“She’s on her way now, she’ll be here any moment.” then finally, the voice she’s been craving to hear for weeks.

“She...shouldn’t have to...come.” it’s weak and so very quiet, not like the strong low voice she’s used to but still....him.

Clarke pulls the curtain with teary eyes and finds him lying in the same bed she used to occupy with him, propped up on a few pillows, somewhat sitting up, face still pale, the bandage on his head just as big and scary, his eyes a little disoriented but ultimately, the same warm ones she fell in love to.

“Bellamy!” Miller pulls back before she can knock him down and throws herself in his embrace. He chuckles a little-the voice sending her heart beating out of its ribcage as he moves his arm to wrap around her waist.

“I’ll give you two a moment.” Miller says after clearing his throat shyly and Clarke hears him pushing the curtain back in order to give them privacy. She holds Bellamy tight in her arms and he hisses.

“Dammit, princess...you’ll break another rib.” she loosens her grip but stays there, finally letting her tears spring free and wet his chest. “Oh, Clarke-”

“You’re here.” she whispers “You’re awake.” it sounds more like a question than a realization.

“I am.” he promises and moves his hand from her lower back to her head, which he strokes softly “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“You better not.” she pulls away and faces him, not believing the fact that his eyes were actually opened. She cupps his cheeks and stares into them, feeling herself get lost in the warmth she found there.

“Or else you’d...wait...how did you put it “kick my ass so hard, I won’t be able to spell my own name?” Clarke’s mouth drops and she moves away for a moment.

“You heard me?” he smiles and it’s his turn to cup her cheek.

“Of course, I did, princess.”

“Don’t call me that!”

“But you said you love it!” she slaps his chest and he winces a little but pulls her up and rests his forehead against hers. “Thank you....for not giving up on me.”

“I never would. No matter what.” she insists. He takes a deep breath and after pulling her hand in his and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, he looks at her again.

“I love you too.” he let out “I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.” it was her turn to look away shyly.

“You don’t have to say this just because I did.”

“I’m not! You were right-I was showing it in all the little things-bringing you food, getting you to bed...but when we were actually together I...I closed up, built my walls. I was afraid you didn’t feel the same, scared of what everyone else would think of us if they found out. I was stupid...reckless. A thickheaded idiot like you called me.”

“Are you actually admitting to that?” she asks smiling and he groans.

“Just this once.” he pulls her up to his chest again, desperate to feel her closer “I mean it, though-I love you, Clarke Griffin. I think I have loved you from the moment I first met you and nothing, no steep hills or broken bones or cracked heads, would change that.” she smiles and hugs him back tightly again, resting her cheek on his chest and listening to his heart.

“Say it again.” she begs “I need to know this is real.”

“I love you.” he promises as he strokes her head “I love you, I love you...I love you.” she holds him tight in her arms and lets herself indulge in this moment. His breathing calms down and he keeps stroking back up and down and repeating it every once in a while until he stops and she moves her head up in confusion and worry that something is wrong with him again.

“What is it?”

“I mean I can keep on and I won’t mind doing it but...you did make me a promise to kiss me and break my world in two after I came back....princess.” she chuckles again but pushes up on her arms, getting closer to his face. His hand shoots for her cheek as he stares into her eyes again.

When their lips finally meet, he realizes that Clarke Griffin always kept her promises because his world did split in two and he was the happiest man on Earth for it.

[peterspaperplane]

We Saw Elephants

September 16, 2022.

Before I began to write this piece (which contains stories from accurately two months and a week ago) I googled “Elephant can Remember” and got a lot of review for Agatha Christie’s work. My memory confused that for “An Elephant Never Forgets”.

When I googled with the right keywords, this is what I found:

“By using experiences that are stored in its brain as memories, an elephant is able to handle many dangerous situations that might appear in future. For instance, if they survived a drought in childhood, then they would be able to sense the danger of drought in a particular area (basically making a mental connection with the childhood memory ingrained in its brain).”

I haven’t read Madame Christie’s “Elephant can Remember”, though I always wanted to (I remembered Nemesis was a really great company of mine during my isolation time in Nusa Tenggara Timur). I haven’t actually seen elephants (though I might, when I was so much smaller, in some zoos), though I always wanted to.

That one particular Thursday, I got a message from sis:

Dad is coming this weekend. You better stay home, ok?

I didn’t reply. I stared on my phone screen for a while, and been thinking for the rest of the day. At home, we didn’t really have chance to talk because we were too busy—I was busy planning things with my new social life, my sis is always busy with her little family and work.

In time like this, my head would always, always turn to Uncu (derived from Minangnese of ‘uncle’—he has 11 nieces and nephews in total, and about to have one more). Uncu (a.k.a. Ridho a.k.a Dori) is that type of friend who would definitely say yes even if you asked him to go to Antarctic within only 5 minutes before departure. He lives his best life everyday, now that is the good thing.

The bad thing is, we both sometimes are impulsive. I texted him:

I don’t wanna be in the city this weekend. U wanna go somewhere?

Dori, being himself, replied within only minute:

Sure! Where?

Indeed, that too is my question. Where? We—Dori and I—had been to places: Pantai Laguna Kaur (8 hours from the city), Pantai Manna (4 hours away, en route to Kaur), Curup (only 2 hours riding). That would be another-time stories.

So, where? This should be a great escape—but Uncu’s supposed to not know this. This should be just a casual weekend adventure for him. I texted him back:

What about seeing elephant?

Dori is a fruitful storyteller, hence if he once went there, I should have known. But I didn’t. Dori replied back:

Ok.

If there is one thing about Dubas that I am forever grateful for, it is no other than the fact that I found people that I would treasure the most, including Uncu—I mean, Dori. Or whatever.

_________________

I think I did write that I have been staying away from home for months now. Not only because our home preserves a lot of memories about Mum, but more because of the reason that I found out Dad was finding some other women—but that’s unnecessary.

I saw no reasons to explain it to him, or to anyone, so I decided to leave. I decided to stop talking to him. When my sister told me that we should get this problem solved and Dad is about to come in town, my nature told me to run. So I did.

I remember, when I was younger and more sensitive, Mum would sometimes get mad and yell at me. I hid. Everybody was trying to search for me, as though I was really gone. At that time, I like the feeling of being found. I somehow enjoyed the fear in my Mum’s voice as she was looking for me in corners of the house—terrible, I know—while I was curling up right in the left nook of the house.

As I grew up, I came to know that I no longer want to be found. When my instinct tells me run, what I wanted to was actually get lost. I keep pretending that the problems do not exist, so I could live just finely. I keep on avoiding people who hurt me, instead of confronting them and tell what I actually feel.

I have read and heard things about overcoming this-and-that-part-of-life-and-so-on wisely but never get better at doing it in real life. Nobody does, anyway. 2022, as I recall, was not only the year of grief, but also the year of escape. I have been escaping from what I should have faced in the first place. Sometimes, the sense of satisfaction by doing this scared me.

Seblat, the site where we could see elephants live in their habitat is about 6 hours away.

We went on Friday afternoon, after my office hours ended. Uncu was happily jobless at that time (now he’s a busy man, huft). We arrived at Ketahun in the drizzly night, nearby Oma’s house. But Oma also should not know this escape. So, we booked a cheap motel room for one night and intended to leave in the next morning—which we did.

It took another 2 hours to get to Putri Hijau, and another half an hour into the deeper forest, relied onto only Google Maps. After a long ride with feeling of afraid that we might have taken the wrong path, we finally, awkwardly, arrived.

There was no ticketing in the gate, though there were some welcoming statues. There were some (we believe) animal-coaches looking after the elephant as they chewed their lunch, though they were not really welcoming us as we thought they should have. We were just suddenly being really shy and somehow embarrassed.

I remembered, we stared on each other and asked “Is it the right place?” through our eyes, even that we knew the answer was most probably “Yes, this is the place.”

I think it’s really true that elephants have the most sincere eyes. I saw it. We saw elephants.

But none of us was brave enough to ask any of the old men there to guide us or, just to let us touch the elephant. But it was too beautiful to hurt. Even though they are gigantic, I felt somehow that my hands could hurt them. They looked so powerful, and yet vulnerable. They look so big, and yet warm. They look so textured, and yet so pale. They contained so many paradoxes.

Uncu and I observed the elephants from our motorcycle for the next thirty minutes, until their coaches herded them to go down on the stream. Uncu took a video while they were showering in the water (I should ask him for this). That was the end of our meeting with those elephants.

I don’t know about Uncu, but I did not regret this. Well, that statement is partially because I got away from home, partially because I really did so. I wanted to go there again one day.

______________

As I continued my research on elephants’ memories, I found out that they are not the most superior type. Clark's nutcracker birds able to hide their food in differently-complex and secretive places for the winter. However, I’m pretty sure that the proverb wouldn’t change to “Clark's nutcracker bird never forgets” easily. All in all, it’s still elephants that steal my heart. And after that particular journey I had with Uncu, I might never think elephants as just animals now. They helped me in a hurtfully beautiful phase of my life.

As for Uncu, he told me that the journey was absurdly, stupidly fun. I’m happy that he thinks so.

“Rest assured that forgetting is an essential part of life…”

[arikuraaa]

I feel like its SUPER important i document my funny tears of the kingdom experiences for future reference (cause my memory is absolute garbage and idk.. someone might find them entertaining.)

Its also fun to keep in mind that the only Zelda games I’ve played are Breath of the Wild and about half of Skyward Sword (trust me, I think this makes most of these funnier.)

I might update this as i have new encounters so it might get more spoilery as time goes on. But like.. its almost two months old and I just got it(expensive rip) so maybe spoiler warnings will be obsolete by then.

so SPOILERS AHEAD. Mostly minor spoilers since i’ve made next to no story progress in the game due to infinite distractibility and my inability to plan anything out ever (theres a reason i have 500 hours in botw.)

me, playing through the game trying to solve the mystery of getting to a high place: “ mmmm maybe i can climb it or rev(remembers I don’t have champion abilities) …ah”

*SPENDS TEN MINUTES WANDERING THE PERIMETER BEFORE COMING BACK AND REALIZING THERES AN OVERHANG* ”fucking hell, i was supposed to use the new ability the game literally taught me to use like three minutes ago.”

*going through a forest minding my own damn business, sees a tree fucking get up* ”WHAT THE SHIT- TREE MIMIC?”

Trying to get to Kakariko:” okay, i gotta find a path that doesn’t have a sinkhole or rot.”

*thinks again, but slower*

“did I just call the malice pool rot?”(the rw brainrot is real)

*sees a pool of malice moving around* ”what. Is. That.”

*it has hands, arms and eyes and it staring at me*

“WHAT IN THE PRINCESS MONONOKE-“*fucking books it to the tower*

Just climbing in the rain. Thats it. Botw treated me so well with Revali’s gale and infinite firestarters that I forgot about the pain that is climbing in the rain.

*goes to the central tower for the first time and sees link get FUCKING MANHANDLED by robot arms JUST to have them plug in his iphone and give him a fanny pack with a cord attached* ”What the FUCK Purah-“

*climbing up and around the colosseum ruins searching for chests or points of interests* ”Okay… so there’s gonna be lots of enemies if i remember right- more materials is good-“

*There were no enemies except a giant dragon. Of COURSE my curious dumbass went TOWARD the danger despite being unequipped*

“what the-”

*the dragon (with three heads) has a wider range of vision I guess and spots me. threat music starts*

“Oh god oh fuck-“

*in the end, Link was about five seconds away from being electrocuted to death. Luckily, despite FREQUENTLY FORGETTING to use abilities- i’m very familiar with using the map to teleport. Link lived another day (I think. Maybe I died to something else, idk)

*doing stable trotters mission* ”i’m basically their uber driver now.”

*hits a person and gets stuck not even five seconds later*

STORY BASED SPOILERS OR MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

*enters rito village and books it to the elder, sees teba and tulin* ”oh my god is that a child”

*gushes over how cute it is that Tulin is excited to see link* just Tulin in general to be honest.

*making my way to the stormwind ark, uses tulin’s ability for like the first time* ”I like it(Tulin’s enthusiasm) Picasso.” *obtains the master sword*

“OH MY f u c - the light dragon brings you back to where Link gives the sword over and where she received it i’m gonna start crying.”

*general depression over Link and Zelda*

*beats marbled gohma and sees Yunobo next to the special stone* ”wow- can’t wait to watch the same cutscene with different commentary for the fourth time now!

*has to look up how to progress on dragonhead island because i forgot doors exist*

*Watching the intro to the dragon fight cutscene*

“Man. Mineru claimed that becoming a dragon means losing yourself but idk…. This looks pretty damn personal if you ask me.”

*Upon demon dragon lighting up in defeat*

Lit up like the fourth of july

*Sees the massive laser beam upon death8

OH THAT IS NOT THE FOURTH OF JULY

*sobbing at ending cutscene*