#like Im being 100% serious. he almost killed the ex-husband

[falst]

oh my fucking god my family

[inventedfangirling]

BEST of BL's in 2023 [Thai edition]

(more accurately my favourites from 2023, so that i have something to show for the 100s of hours i spent watching them lmao)

I Feel You Linger In The Air - Head & Shoulders above (almost) every single piece of queer media i've ever watched. Khun Yai and Jom will be forever icons. That drunk poem confession will NEVER be topped. Also LESBIANS AHHHHHH also the way the show explored intimacy AHHH just end meeee

2. Moonlight Chicken - Aof strikes again. Gave me Uncle Jim, Heart, Li Ming and my baby boy Gaipa- the music, the cinematography, the writing, the found fckin family - i will recommend it to EVERY one on the planet if i could.

3. Be My Favourite- I did not expect to enjoy this show as much as i did. I loved what they were tryna say. I LOVED the queer undertones in EVERYTHING. if not for the asexual erasure and Not being an absolute asshole this would have been quite the perfect show. And man is Gawin so darn sculpted perfection, LOOK AT THAT FACE, how to not admire!? Also Pearmai my beloved. AND THAT POEM in episode 11 ARGHHH

4. Bed Friend - I know this was a polarizing series in a lot of ways and I agree to some of the complaints raised BUTTTTTT NET MY FRENZ NET! How am i supposed to not melt into a complete puddle watching King pretend to not be absolutely in love with Uea, and treating him like the babygirl he is, when he looks like THAT. I'm but a mere mortal.

5. La Pluie - I kinda liked the show and disliked it in equal amounts. Saengtai annoyed me quite a LOT towards the end BUT his brother Sangtien - Suar Kritsanaphong had me in the palm of his hand. Him and his kiss with Lomfon is etched firmly in my brain. It HAD to be on this list.

6. Only Friends - Gawd. The Promise. The Promise of it all. Thats what maddens me THE MOST. There was just SO MUCH that they could have done. Even if they stuck with a lot of their similar choices i would have still put it higher up on the list if they hadn't undone all the good work they did in the final episode. I couldnt even bring myself to rewatch anything from this one cos of how disappointingly it ended. That being said - FirstKhao KILLED it as usual, i CANNOT wait for their next one, BOSTON deserved better and my MVP- Mark Pakin AHHH i NEED him on EVERY SHOW EVER but also in ways concerning to me GAWD WHAT A TALENT AND WHAT A FACE.

7. Laws of Attraction - Charn you guys. Charn and his utterly deranged expressions and his even more deranged ex. And ofc everything else the show offered. The drama. The mystery. The family. The romance. THE LESBIANS!!!!? Few things not to love. Especially the finale with all the domestic husbanding going on. Precious af.

8. Hidden Agenda - Far too much nonsensical plotlessness going on here for this to claim this position BUT i'm just a girl watching Joong swoon over his man and losing it in the corridor and proceeding to do that myself cos man he's so damn good in these kinda scenes. I think he'd be good in more serious ones too but I would much prefer it if it was with somebody who could offer more than Dunk (no shade he very cute himself)

POTENTIAL FAVS

The following is a list of shows i loved/liked it a LOT but still watching/running so I can't fully judge

(in no particular order except the first one cos who am i to put an aof show not at the top of any list)

Last Twilight [BEST THING EVER I AM WHOLLY AND IRRETRIEVABLY IN LOVE IM GONNA REWATCH IT LIKE ITS MY JOB PLS I NEED IT TO STICK THE LANDING SO BAD]

Love in Translation - episode 4 what a beauty, one of my fav episodes of any BL in 2023 ever- just LOVED the whole fake date thing - it was EVERYTHING

Wedding Plan - Leads are cute. Lesbians are cuter. Made me laugh. Also CUTENESS hello

Night Dream - Who doesn't love a long unrequited but actually totally requited love story?

The Sign - nothing i can ever say is gonna be enough to encompass just how mind-blowing this series is from concept to execution to CGI to costumes to the gorgeous leads with fckin electric chemistry AND the PINING and the will they won't they arhhhh- TOP TIER STUFF

Cooking Crush - i went into this with minimal expectations, the trailer didnt do much for me BUT oh my gawd i had SO MUCH FUN with each episode, i laughed SO much and i am very much looking forward to the rest of it

Cherry Magic - TayNew back again together. Karan and his gorgeous existence. Loved the og. The trope where one believes they are hard to love & someone who loves them like it’s breathing- its literally made for this show and i am SUPER excited where it goes. PLS PLS PLS let them keep the aroace character aroace PLEASE!?!?!?

[jdkd8r83je]

TW;Suicide, abuse

I've really been thinking about killing myself recently. I imagine going to the east river and tying myself to something heavy to drown myself,or going somewhere to burn myself in a field at night with something around me to not cause a serious fire. Im not 100% why, but it happens when I'm with people or not.

Part of it definitely came from when I was hooking up with someone recently. I really do think he's just nice but also...there were things he did/didn't do while we were hooking up because I was being very vocal and he just respected it.

That's literally how low my bar is to feel good about myself. You have to respect my boundaries and if you don't I revert to just a lot of self loathing. I live in the extremes for this type of thing because prior to this man I've had sex with 8 people, with 3 people exclusively I was raped/coerced, 4 if you count my husband who also raped me, beat me, and groomed me. Another is just creepy, I'm in my late 20's but look like I'm in my late teens/early 20s, that person is now a 36 year old dating a 21 year old. My abusive husband was 30 when I was 19 and that hits too close for me not to see it badly.But I'm not weak, I know I'm not because I was fighting back against (almost) all of it. Even the creepy guy I voiced my concerns as I understood them at the time. I told him I was worried about that because of my ex husband and I felt that he did things to actually make me feel like it wasn't the case. However I noticed certain things about our relationship after that had I realized i would have spoken about. Either way he successfully made me feel better but since we've broken up he's tried to get at a 20 year old and is currently dating a 21 year old.

But I am stupid because i think what i truly want out of people is unrealistic. I really want to share all of myself with people, i want people to know everything about me and not just what makes me happy but my faults, embarrassments, and shame. I want to be seen and cared for with my entire being presented. I think that because I want this I expect it from my past partners and that's when i create this idea that as long as we both want that it can work. The problem is a lot of people aren't honest about what they want and it's really hard for me now, even if someone were to say they want the same things I'll have a hard time believing them.

I'm stupid because since I'm honest there's a baseline of honesty i expect from certain people. i was very recently raped by someone. I said I didn't want to have sex without a condom and he wound up putting it in anyway.

I hate that. And i hate myself because i feel like i know...my gut is saying to say that im trans but I can't say i am i haven't done anything. I wear dresses once in a blue and like to wear make up. I was testing my make up on Grindr and i felt good because he thought i was hot and asked if i could wear it but. See I'm rwally fucking dumb because had there been a brain cell that works normally, i could've seen there was a level of fetishization. And now i think I'm in a hypersexual phase after that and in realizing i just really like to be intimate with people to the point where sometimes i don't care or rather don't want to know about you because i just want to get sexual and for you to hold me, tell me I'm a normal person.

That's so bad. I hate this.

I know i shouldn't put this out but i don't journal and i needed to get this down.