#like I just wanted a silly xenogender to put in my hoard and can you guess what was in the person's DNI??

[sirenium]

Every time I try to veer away from discourse, I get reminded that people hate me for no reason elsewhere 💀

[your-bigender-big-brother]

vent anon here and also thank you!!!

recently, I've been having a bunch of gender dysphoria. It helps to collect genders since a big part of the dysphoria is just... confusion. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself, except I don't even know what "myself" is supposed to look like because I don't know what my gender is.

Usually, I can satisfy myself with "trans." But when the dysphoria gets awful, I'm struck by this stupid urge to understand my gender and know who and what I am. And it helps to collect genders. It helps to have who I am translated from this messy goop into simple, understandable words.

the problem is, I get really, really obsessed. My first time collecting, I wound up with over 300 labels. I felt like I was trying to grab a ball of oil - every time I thought I had it, it just slipped from my fingers again. I get into these hyperspecific microlabels, and it just ends up making me feel worse and even more confused.

all this to say that I'm kinda... scared of myself right now? I'm trying to collect more general terms and stay away from hyperspecifics, hoping that maybe if I stick to general terms I can understand myself without going crazy.

I want to talk to someone about it, but I'm worried my friends will think I'm silly. Xenogenders are sometimes viewed as not-real genders, and I don't want them to think I'm faking being trans or something. It helps a bunch to talk about how I feel without being worried I'll sound dumb, so thanks v much for the opportunity and sorry for the super long ask hehe

Anon, I love the super long asks and I encourage them. It gives me something to read and respond to, which is really nice.

Hoarding labels we relate to can definitely be a mess. That's a lot of terminology to sort through! What do you call yourself? You can't just put 300 labels in a tumblr bio. Which ones fit best? Should you keep the ones that only partially fit your experience? What about condensing them into fewer labels? The similar ones can get filed away into a larger umbrella term, right?

This is where you take a deep breath and remember that gender is a mess for a lot of people in this community. We're all struggling to find terms that fit just right, and sometimes it takes a really long time. And not every experience has quite the right word to describe it. Sometimes, we have to invent our own language to fill that gap, and that's the beauty of this community - we find a way to make it work.

What that means is reaching out to others and talking about your feelings, your doubts, your struggles. There's definitely someone out there having the same kind of issue as you. You might gain some insight from interacting with others, especially other gender hoarders.

As for feeling like a "faker": I've absolutely dealt with that myself! It took a long time for me to accept that I'm even nonbinary, because I spent so long clinging to the gender binary and never wanting to stray away from that. Not many people understand why I'm nonbinary and what that means for me. But their lack of understanding does not make me less valid, just less seen. I could be transmasculine, nonbinary, pangender, stargender, catgender, it doesn't matter. There's always someone out there who will doubt my existence. If that's always the case, then why not continue being proudly myself? I prefer the authentic experience, not the easy one.

If anyone who follows me has some kind of advice, please feel free to send me some for this anon! I would love for them to feel a bit better about things and see that they aren't alone.

- Your Bigender Big Brother 💙💚