#like I have 10+ years of recovery behind me but my god those urges have been STRONG this week

[bobfloydsbabe]

i’m so glad this week is over. i need the universe to be on my side for the upcoming one, though.

[snow-in-the-desert]

Dramione Recommendations

Ok so, 2020 has been A LOT but on a personal note one of the most surprising things to happen was me discovering Dramione fanfiction and becoming unashamedly obsessed with it. I really didn’t see that coming but I’m here now and I’m here to stay. 

I think I started reading in the Dramione fandom around mid July last year?? (In all honesty I’ve lost any true sense of time’s progression at this point so I could be well off the mark with that) And I’ve decided to compile a list of all my favourite fics I’ve read so far. Why? I really just want to gush over all the amazing writers I have found through this fandom because y’all deserve it. 

Side note: If any of the authors actually sees this post just dm so I can buy you coffee or post you writing supplies or something idk I feel like that’s the least I can do for all your amazing work x

Remain Nameless by @heyjude19-writing

Ok I have to start with RN because this fic is pretty much the sole reason I decided to create an account with A03 or a tumblr or just decided to get involved with this fandom at all. 

I headcannon this story hard. But I think even if you aren’t a fan of Dramione you should just read this because it is so unbelievably good and well written and poignant and Draco’s sarcastic personality in this is truly a thing of beauty in this - I relate to his inner monologue’s on a deep personal level. 

I could rave about this story any time, any day of the week, just ask me. In fact, maybe I’ll just start a HeyJude19 fan club to fulfill that urge.

There are so many elements that I love but for the sake of brevity, RN is a beautifully told story of Draco and Hermione finding love and healing in a post-war HP setting. Heyjude19 had the very special ability of making me want to simulatenously laugh, cry and swoon with the power of her words. Just stop what you are doing and go read it now if you havent already, ok?  

I also really enjoyed reading Bells on a Hill, Beers, Potions and Unwise Notions and A Shift in Focus, if you are looking for smaller fics, definitely give these a go. They are all funny and heartfelt stoires that will make your tippy toes wriggle with glee. 

The Rights and Wrongs Series by @lovesbitca8

The Right Thing To Do, All The Wrong Things and The Auction are the holy trinity of Dramione writing. I have christened it thus, so mote it be. And frankly I’m not interested in any other opinion than that one, thank you very much!

After reading this series I don’t think I’ll be able to look back on the orginal HP books without thinking of Hermione’s and Draco’s memories of their time at Hogwarts in these fics as anything other than strictly cannon. 

So many things to love about this series but I think one of the major highlights was Hermione and Draco’s use of occlumency. LoveBitca8 created such beautiful visuals with how occlumency works as a magical practice and seeing Draco and Hermione so devoted to eachother to the point of safeguarding their inner most feelings to protect eachother was unbelievably romantic and poetic. 

Also the smut is divine ;)

Manacled by @senlinyu​

My heart will never be the same after reading this story. Like I actually can’t think about this fic without getting a lump at the back of my throat. I have never felt so emotionally ruined after reading anything, compared to the likes of this fic. Just please, please read it. To badly quote HP, reading Manacled will make you suffer but you’re going to be happy about it.

The flashbacks are a rollercoaster in of themselves but the way Hermione inadvertently refers to them when she is still in a state of memory loss was so heartbreaking to read. My heart still aches for them both. Also its a truly satisfying to see Draco and Hermione written in a way were they are both so fiercly protective of one another. They make my insides go soft. 

I also really enjoyed Snow Fall, Now Is A Gift and All You Want by the author but to be honest anything written by Senlinyu is always thoroughly enjoyable and worth a look. 

The Erised Effect by @adaprix​

Ada is QUEEN of dramione smut but ‘The Erised Effect’ is top tier. Its equal parts funny, romantic, sentimental and oh so sexy. Ada really knows how to build and build on sexual tension and doesn’t disappoint on the final delivery. I’m a big admirer of her writing style and just veraciously read whatever she posts but ‘The Erised Effect’ is just golden. A must read. (Also Pansy’s sexual fantasy in this story is a visual I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remove from my brain so thanks for that Ada)

Also quick side note: Adaprix’ stories were the first I read when I was looking into this fandom and it was enough to get me hooked on the pairing from the get go so I have that to thank Ada for too. I remember devouring all the stories she had posted to A03 and when I was done I was like... now what am I supposed to do with my life?? And that’s basically when I began to look deeper into the fandom and thus the course of my life in 2020 changed for the better. 

Some other stories I love by her are Break for Me, All My Sins, The Big 4-0, The Fucklust Series and The Flat in Bath. 

Clean by @olivieblake​

This 6th Year AU where Draco and Hermione work together on a class assignment and end up falling in love had me feeling all kinds of ways when I read it. I almost don’t know where to start but I think one of the stand out things for me was how immersed I felt in reading it. 

Hogwarts is captured really well, you get a good sense of class atmospheres, character nuances and behind the scenes of events that happen in HBP but from a Draco and Hermione’s perspectives. It’s well executed and intricate tapestry of a fic. With an excellent plot twist ending! 

Also Hermione and Draco’s relationship in this is equal parts fluffy and smutty and it just ticks all the right boxes that you want to see for those characters ;)

Breath Mints / Battle Scars by @onyx-and-elm​

The angst in this one is just *chef’s kiss*

God I love this fic. The way Draco is portrayed is very true to his defensive and tetchy character in the original books but he is also given so much more depth. The way his diary entries are written are just so well executed. It’s a true testament to the author’s creative writing skill. And I LOVE how even though Draco is clearly in such a messed up place, he still has a basic level of self respect and dignity that he won’t tolerate being used or undervalued in his relationship with Hermione. 

Yep, I really love Draco’s characterisation in this one if you can’t tell.  But Hermione is also well written too. Her stuggles and trauma of returning to Hogwarts after war is described in a believable and grounded way. And my heart definitely ached for them both. I just wanted to wrap the pair of them in a big fuzzy blanket and tell them that everything will be alright. 

WANDS OUT! by @persephonestone​

This murder mystery / Dramione / Theo x Harry / AU crossover is everything I didn’t know I wanted until I read it. I felt like I was picked up and plonked right into an alternative dimension where all the characters of HP are just living it up in an Agatha Christie novel. 

It’s a funny and clever story that I found refreshing to read amongst all the other fanfics that are usually cemented in the HP timeline or universe. Theodore Nott in this fic is perfection he should be written like this in every fic from now on in my opinion. I couldn’t stop giggling any time he had a scene in the story.

And the ‘only one bed’ trope in this fic is 10/10. I don’t want to give spoilers but ohmygod. It hits all the right notes. 

The One With Technical Difficulties by cassielassie 

Cassielassie has an excellent three part series of Dramone called ‘The One with...” but I have to give special credit to this story in particular for one main reason. ELEVATOR TROPES. I can’t get enough of em. I think I have my early childhood viewings of NCIS to thank for my obsession with elevator tropes they just do something to me that simply cannot be explained with mere words. The palpable sexual tension of being in a broken down elevator with an ‘enemies to lovers’ pairing, a heated arguement breaks out followed by a discovery of mutual feelings and a romantic embrace...

Eugh. It gets me everytime. And this fic is no exception. I loved it for all the reasons I’ve already stated above but also for the attention to detail in Draco and Hermione’s careers makes this one particularly immersive. The dynamics between them established in this one-shot are convincingly portrayed and the chemistry between them is so undeniably hot. 

The Light is No Mystery by @masterofinfinities​

Yooo if you want to read a dramione fic that is a deep dive into Pureblood culture and Post-War recovery but is also a perfect allegory for discrimination and today’s political landscape of moral grandstanding for votes then look no further than this one. 

This story has a bit of everything. Intrigue, mystery, ptsd and recovery, enemies to lovers / secret relationship, government conspiracy and humour, to name a few. I eargerly await every update to this story and am anxious to know how it ends!

The Eagle’s Nest by HeartOfAspen 

Finally! A fic that gives me the Ravenclaw representation I crave. I think I could recommend this fic on the lore depicted of Ravenclaw house alone. ‘The Stacks’ and Rowena Ravenclaw’s own ‘come and go room’ are just such cool details that I could see being real in the HP universe. 

This fic is so cosy and makes me feel like I’m just popping back into Hogwarts for another year. You get to see all the usuals like prof. Mcgongall, Nearly headless Nick, PEEVES, Hagrid, as well as learn more about minor characters from the other school houses. The story follows Hermione going to her day to day classes and there are interesting concepts about magic and alchemy that are explored. 

Draco and Hermione’s relationship in this one is of course very fluffy and heartfelt. But it’s the attention to detail that really makes this fic outstanding and the experience of reading it feels fleshed out and true to HP universe.

A shorter fic by HeartofAspen that I recommend is one called Set in Stone, it has an adventurous, Indianna Jones vibe to it, that I am so down for. 

Teachable Moments by @purplesugarquills

In this fic Hermione is an innocent little virgin determined to learn everything about sex. And Draco Malfoy is her tutor. If that isn’t enough to get you on board then I don’t know what is. Both Heartfelt and Steamy. PurpleSugarQuills writes smut so well but it’s the progression of their growing attachment and the nervous treading of new uncharted waters of romantic relationships for both of them that just adds a whole other level of feels to the story. Also chapter 9 is like reading poetry - its so good. Eugh just give it a read if you haven’t already.

Les Pèlerins by @pacific-rimbaud

This story is high art. It’s transcendent. Reading this story feels like the emotional equivalent of standing around a hundred glowing fairy lights, sipping hot cocoa and being wrapped in the loving embrace of a s/o. I can’t speak my praises highly enough or even become passably coherent in my words when I try to articulate a review. 

From the very first paragraph I felt like I was just whisked away on a Parisian holiday and I’ve never even bloody been to Paris but damn it if this story didn’t make me feel like I was there. The writing style is just so tactile and intense it’s like I could feel the cold winter air brush against me as I read it. Eugh I just completely fell in love with the story and the writer. 

New Year’s resolution. Read everything PacificRimbaud has ever posted online. 

[the-iceni-bitch]

Fix You

Pairing: angsty!soft!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Words: 4173

Summary: Bucky has been working hard at getting over the trauma that came from being the Winter Soldier, and you do your best to help him through it. But a particularly painful memory almost breaks him.

Warnings: ANGST (I’m so sorry y’all), explicit language, explicit sexual content (oral sex (F receiving), fingering, unprotected vaginal sex), soft!broken!Bucky, fluffy ending, TW: this fic contains implications of animal cruelty in a character’s past. It is extremely vague and non-specific but I will put a warning in the text itself if you still would like to read but this particular type of thing upsets you. Please be mindful of it my soft babies!! SMUT, 18+ ONLY!!!!

A/N: This is my entry to the Happy Hoelentine’s Day gift exchange hosted by the absolutely fabulous @chrissquares​, @drabblewithfrannybarnes and @amythedvdhoarder​. My giftee was @bucky-the-thigh-slayer happy v-day sweetie! 😘

Soo, apparently, I cannot just write a sprinkling of angst, I have to write cut your heart out of your chest and watch it beat in front of your face angst. This fic made me cry while writing it so if you are a big softie, you might want to skip this one. Don’t worry, I gave everyone a nice, fluffy, soft ending to soothe the pain!

Happy Hoelentine’s y’all! Check out my masterlist and join my taglist if you want!

dividers are made by the lovely @chrissquares

not my GIF

You weren’t sure what had initially roused you from sleep. Maybe it was the fact that you were used to Bucky’s frame being draped over you, smothering you with his body heat. Whatever had woken you at first, the sound of shattering glass snapped you from your dazed state immediately.

You flew out of the bed and ran towards the bathroom. The light was leaking from underneath the door and when you wrenched it open, you swore under your breath.

Bucky was seated on the floor by the tub, his head in his hands as sobs wracked his chest. The mirror over the sink was smashed, pieces of reflective glass scattered all over the counter and across the floor.

You ignored it, not even noticing as you cut the bottoms of your feet while making your way to him. You knelt beside him and drew him to you, tucking his head under your chin as you ran your hands over his back, trying to calm him down.

“I’m here, Buck.” You murmured as you pressed your lips to his hair. His breathing was coming in ragged gasps as he leaned into you, and you could tell he was still upset. “Do you want to talk about it, honey?”

He just shook his head as another sob ripped out of him, his fingers wrapping in your sleep shirt.

You knew this was all part of the process. Bucky had been working with Bruce and his psychiatrist for 6 months now on identifying and moving past his repressed memories, but damn if it didn’t break you heart every time a new one popped up. This one must have been especially painful, he hadn’t had a breakdown like this in months.

“Sweetie, I’m gonna call Bruce, ok?” He was still a mess, even with you there, and it made you worried.

“No, don’t leave me.” He looked up at you desperately as he leaned against your shoulder, his eyes a startling blue from his tears as he pleaded with you.

“Shit, Bucky.” God, you fucking hated seeing him like this. You felt so helpless. “I can call from here. FRIDAY? Let Banner know we need him, stat.”

“Will do, Y/N.” The AI chirped back at you.

You reached your arm to the sink and turned it on, running a washcloth under the warm water before bringing it back to rest against his forehead.

“Y/N? Bucky? It’s me, Bruce.” You heard Banner call from the front door.

“Yeah, we’re in the bathroom.” You called. Your shoulder was soaked with snot and tears as Bucky continued weeping against you.

“Jesus, what happened?” Bruce hissed when he found you, picking his was through the broken glass as he knelt to examine Bucky, opening his medical case.

“I dunno Bruce, I woke up and found him like this.” You did your best to straighten Bucky up as Bruce took his pulse before pulling back to assemble his otoscope.

“Ok, Barnes, I’m gonna give you a sedative, buddy.” Bruce murmured as he dug in his case again, bringing out a vial and syringe. “I called his doctor when I heard from you and she’s on her way, but she was in Chicago for a conference, so she won’t be in until later this morning. She gave me the ok to calm him down for now.”

You just nodded as you stroked Bucky’s hair, doing your best to distract him as Bruce wound the tourniquet around his arm before plunging in the needle. He released the band before pushing down the plunger, and you felt Bucky relax against you almost immediately.

“I hate this so much, Bruce. I just want to be able to do something for him.”

“You’re doing it, Y/N. I don’t think his recovery would be going so well if he didn’t have you.” He looked down at your feet and winced. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“What? Oh, fuck.” Now that Bucky wasn’t occupying your attention, the slices on your feet and knees were throbbing.

“I don’t think you need any stitches, but I’m gonna use some skin glue to keep these from opening up repeatedly.” He muttered, rinsing the cuts with a betadine solution before patting them dry with some gauze.

“Thanks Bruce. Can you help me get him back to the bed?” You asked as he finished his work, throwing a towel over the broken glass and shoving it out of the way.

“Sure.” You each put one of his arms over your shoulders and hauled him to his feet, shuffling awkwardly back to the bedroom. “Dr. Laurent should be here around 10, if you could get him to the med center around then?”

“Of course Bruce, thank you so much.”

He just waved you off as he left, closing the door gently behind him. You changed into a new t-shirt and climbed back into bed, curling yourself around Bucky as you tried to fall back asleep, failing miserably.

  It had been two weeks since Bucky’s breakdown. His nightmares had gotten better, but you could tell he was still upset about things. He was barely talking to you, and he hadn’t initiated sex during that whole period. You could maybe coax some small talk out of him over meals, but you could tell he was avoiding talking to you about what he remembered. All you wanted to do was comfort him and he wasn’t letting you.

Dr. Laurent assured you that they were working through it, but that this particular memory was harder to move past. All you wanted to do was comfort him, but he wouldn’t let you close.

The two of you were sitting together in silence, you were going over some field reports with your feet resting in Bucky’s lap as he read some trash mystery novel that you would usually tease him about. Your phone rang from the coffee table and you stretched to pick it up, grinning when you saw it was your sister.

“Hey Frankie!” You said cheerily as you picked up. “What’s going on?”

Bucky smiled to himself sadly as he listened to you chat with your sister. He felt so guilty about what he was doing to you. You were amazing, and kind, but he was so worried that if he let you all the way in, you’d see what a monster he was and leave him.

“Oh my god, a puppy!?” You squealed, and Bucky felt all the blood drain from his face. “Send me all the pictures! We’ll have to come visit soon and meet him.”

Bucky stood up and walked towards the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water and drinking it down greedily.

“Hey, Frankie, can I call you back tomorrow? Great, love you!” You had picked up on Buck’s change in demeanor and followed after him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He muttered, filling his glass again and taking a sip.

You let out a deep sigh at his attempt to dodge. You knew you weren’t supposed to push him, but watching him withdraw from you like this was killing you.

“Bucky, please talk to me.” You pleaded, fighting the urge to go to him and wrap your arms around him, drawing all his pain into yourself as you held him tight.

He shook his head at you as he set his glass down on the counter, avoiding making eye contact. “I can’t.”

You took in a sharp breath at the crack in his voice and your resolve broke. You took three steps forward and pressed your body to his, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and bringin his forehead down to lean against yours.

“It’s ok, I’m not going anywhere.” You murmured, bringing up one hand to run through his hair, trying your best to soothe him as you watched tears leak from his eyes.

“Promise?”

“Fuck, of course I promise.” You murmured before pressing your lips softly to his. “Bucky, I’m not going to leave you. I love you.”

He buried his face in your neck and let out a deep sigh, inhaling your scent and letting the warm comfort of your body relax him. You kept stroking his back and hair, waiting for him to speak.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

“When I first woke up,” He started after several minutes of silence, still not looking at you. “They would never let me outside. It was almost a year before I saw sunlight. They eventually let me out once they were sure the brainwashing had done its job, but only for a little while. There was…”

He choked on his words and you made soft soothing sounds against his cheek, doing your best to not hold your breath as he opened up to you, worried you were going to spook him like a baby deer.

“There was this tiny stray mutt I found on the compound one day. It was hiding in a little hole in the wall with an injured paw, scared of everything. I managed to sneak out some of my rations the next day for him, and did the same thing for the next week. He wouldn’t take the food from me directly, but I would leave it for him, and it would all be gone when I came back.

“It took a few weeks before he would take the food from my hand, and a couple more before he would let me pet him. Seeing that little guy was the best part of my day. The only break I had from the fighting and the torture. Sometimes he’d crawl into my lap and curl up, and those were the days I thought about making a run for it.” Bucky finally looked at you, giving you a sad smile as he pressed his forehead to yours again before screwing his eyes shut. “I named him Vladik.

“I don’t know why it took them so long to figure out he was there. The guards were supposed to be watching my every move. I wasn’t supposed to have anything for myself, no happiness or solace. And that was all he was. Just a harmless little friend. But the Soldat couldn’t have any friends.

“When the doctor in charge of my programming found out, he told me to bring him the dog, and he… he made me…”

⚠️END TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

He started sobbing before he could finish, and you felt tears running down your own cheeks as you held him tightly, the two of you sinking to the floor as Bucky wept in your arms. You curled yourself around him, wishing you could do something to just take all of that pain from him.

It was an hour before either of you moved. You were stiff from leaning against the counter for so long, but until Bucky started to straighten up, you didn’t even notice. He drew you up after him and you moaned as you unfolded yourself, your legs tingling as blood rushed back into them.

“I love you so much, Y/N.” He whispered against your hair with a heavy sigh, drawing you into another deep embrace. “Fuck, I’m exhausted.”

“I love you too, honey.” You murmured, pressing your lips to his forehead. “I’ll be right there.”

You left him to strip out of his clothes as you headed to the bathroom, locking the door behind you as you splashed cold water on your face, trying to keep yourself from having a meltdown.

You were so relieved he had finally opened up to you. But every fiber of your being just wanted to fix all of this, and the fact that you couldn’t was killing you. You choked back a sob as you bent over the sink, bile rising in your throat. It took you a few minutes to fully calm down, but you got your emotions under control with some deep breathing.

You splashed your face a few more times before heading back out to the bedroom. Bucky was still up, sitting on the edge of the bed as he waited for you. He gave you a small smile as you walked toward him, wrapping his arms around your middle and nuzzling his face against your stomach.  You moaned as he started to lift your shirt, pressing his lips to your skin softly as his fingers traveled to brush against your breast, squeezing it gently.

He held you tightly and turned his body until you were laying on the bed underneath him. He crawled up your torso slowly until his face was hovering above yours. His vibranium palm cupped your cheek softly as he gazed into your eyes before bending to kiss you, his mouth needy against yours as he bit at your lips before pressing his tongue to yours, drawing a whine from your throat.

Bucky ran his hand down your throat before his fingers started working to unbutton your blouse. He made quick work of it and his mouth moved to your neck as he slid it down your shoulders. You gasped and moved your hands to wind in his hair as he unclasped your bra and wrapped his lips around your nipple, sucking softly and swirling his tongue around it until it was peaked and sensitive. Your cunt clenched around nothing as he moved to your other nipple, and you wrapped your legs around his waist as he continued to move down your body.

His tongue dipped into your navel as he worked at undoing your jeans, pulling them down your legs swiftly along with your panties before diving between your legs.

He had missed this. Those soft sounds of want you made were a panacea for his wounds, soothing his heart as he moved his lips over your sex, his tongue running through your folds as he lapped up your arousal. You arched into his mouth when he pressed against your clit, your hands digging into his hair as his hands gripped your thighs, keeping you spread open for him.

He moaned against you as you wriggled beneath him, your back arching and relaxing as he brought you closer to your release. You grip on his hair was bordering on painful as you tightened it, and he relished your loss of control as you fought to close your thighs around his head and press him even closer.

“Mmm, Bucky!” You moaned as he wrapped his lips around your clit, sucking softly. He finally released your legs and you wrapped them around his neck as he pushed two metal fingers into you, making you yelp.

He scissored his fingers inside you, stretching your canal as he drew obscene squelches from deep within you. He loved the feel of your pussy clenching and fluttering around him, trying to draw his fingers even deeper inside you as he edged you towards your climax.

When he curled them against that sweet, secret spot within you, you lost it. Your heels duck into his shoulders and your back arched you off the bed violently as you clamped down on his fingers. You screamed as your release flowed into his mouth, making him moan as it covered his chin. He licked his lips as he straightened above you, savoring the taste of you on his tongue. It tasted like home.

He gazed down at you lovingly as he removed his boxers, kicking them away before bending to kiss you deeply. Bucky kept his mouth on yours as he crawled onto the bed, tucking his knees under your thighs as he pressed one palm against the small of your back, drawing you up to straddle his lap.

“I love you so fucking much.” He whispered against your lips, running his fingertips through your hair before his tongue was invading your mouth, curling against and tangling with yours as he stole all the breath from your lungs. His metal hand curved over your ass as he ground his hips into you, running his cock through your slick folds. “I need to hear you say it, please doll.”

“God, Bucky. I love you.” You panted as he positioned himself at your entrance, making you whine as he breached you with just his tip. Your fingers dug into his shoulders as he pulled you onto him and you hissed through your teeth as you stretched around his length, relishing in the sting you felt each time he entered you.

“Never leave me.” He pleaded as his hips started moving, his thrusts slow and sensuous as he stared deeply into your eyes, watching your face contort with pleasure as you lost yourself in the feeling of being filled with him.

“Never.” You murmured as he buried his face against your neck. “Fuck, baby.”

Your head rolled back as he picked up the pace just barely, his pubic bone grinding against your clit with each thrust and bringing you close to your edge. He nuzzled himself between your breasts and mouthed against your soft slopes gently as you tightened one hand around the back of his neck.

One particularly forceful drive had you falling backwards with a gasp. You managed to catch yourself on one arm and you pressed your toes against the mattress on either side of his hips, doing your best to keep your balance as your pussy clenched around him.

“Fuck, right there.” You whispered, your nails digging into his neck.

He brushed his teeth against your nipple and you almost collapsed against the bed, but Bucky wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly to him as your body spasmed uncontrollably, quivering in his grasp as your pussy fluttered and your release seeped out of you, soaking both of your thighs.

“You feel so good doll.” He murmured against your chest as he kept fucking into you, still moving in rich, deep plunges that made it hard for you to breathe. “So tight and warm. I fucking lose myself in this pussy.”

All you could do was whine as you wrapped your legs around his waist and gripped his neck tightly. You took in a sharp breath when he suddenly lifted himself off his knees and pushed even deeper into you, his cock hitting a new spot inside you that had you seeing stars. He gripped his hands tightly at the small of your back as he ground against you.

He hit you at just the right spot and you came again, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his hair as your body vibrated against his. He inhaled your scent with a moan as he fell forward, catching himself on his vibranium hand before he collapsed on top of you.

You kept your body wrapped tightly around his as he held you in that position with one arm, carrying all of your weight as his hips started moving violently, slapping against the back of your thighs as soft wet sounds came from between the two of you. It only took a few thrusts before you were cumming again, screaming against Bucky’s neck as the coil in your stomach snapped, your muscles finally giving out as you rode the wave of your pleasure, your body rolling underneath him as you released his neck and he let you sink back onto the bed, your arms falling above your head and your feet coming to rest on either side of his knees.

Bucky kept one arm hooked under the small of your back, arching your body at a beautiful angle as his hips started to stutter, his cock twitching inside of you as he neared his own end.

“Gimme one more doll.” He whispered, mesmerized by the way your tits bounced with each thrust of his hips, and the way your face had that blissful, fucked out look as you bit your lip and screwed your eyes shut.

He ground his hips in a circle with his next thrust and smiled as your body tried to curl off the bed. You sobbed as you came, crying his name as your thighs squeezed his hips and your cunt milked his cock. He collapsed on top of you as he came right behind you, his spend shooting into harshly, painting your canal in thick white ropes as his hips stilled.

You held him to you tightly, refusing to let him go as the two of you drifted off to sleep. All you wanted was to rest with him inside you, and he needed to feel you around him, to let you know that you were his home, his haven against all the pain of his past. You smiled as you felt his breath grow deep with sleep, your hand resting on his back as your own slumber took you.

  Bucky made a lot of progress over the next few weeks. Telling you had lifted a weight from his shoulders that he didn’t realize he was carrying. His sleep was still interrupted by nightmares occasionally, but every time he woke up to find you next to him was like a balm for his soul.

He was finally starting to feel truly happy, and that made you happy. Dr. Laurent had finally given the ok for him to start going on missions again, and that was great, but he really found fulfillment at home with you, and the best part of his day was when he walked through the front door to find you waiting for him.

You were excited for Valentine’s Day. It felt like the first holiday you could really enjoy as a couple as he had made so much progress. You were thankful that Steve had kept him occupied all day, giving you a chance to work on your present for him. He was out for a run in the rain right now as you put the final touches on the meal, reviewing the recipe a final time as you set the table, shrugging to yourself and lighting the candles.

You almost dropped your match when you heard him open the front door, cursing as you narrowly avoided setting the tablecloth on fire.

“In here baby!” You called as he came inside, shaking himself from the rain. “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

“Aww, doll, this looks… is that aspic?” He asked, one eyebrow cocked as he eyed the meal you had set out for him.

“Sure is!” You said with a grin as you eyed the brown, gelatinous entrée, doing your best to tamp down your nausea. “Steve said it was your favorite back in the day, so I decided to surprise you.”

“Steve?” He asked, a grin spreading over his face as he ran his fingers through his hair. “You asked Rogers what to get me for Valentine’s Day?”

You studied the look on his face and looked back at the meal, considering things.

“That motherfucker.” You said as he broke down, laughing hysterically. “I’m going to murder that giant.”

“I can’t believe you thought I would actually like this!” He said, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“I dunno, the 30s were a weird time!” You cursed yourself in your mind for being so gullible. “Well shit, I wasted a whole day. I’m ordering Chinese.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself doll, it’s the thought that counts.” He said, giving you a mock pout before wrapping his arms around you and kissing your hair. You yelped when you felt something move in his hoody.

“What the fuck, Barnes?” You screeched as his pocket squirmed, something inside it making a tiny squeaking sound.

“Uhh, don’t be mad.” He said sheepishly as he tucked his hand into his pocket and drew out a tiny, white kitten who was screaming bloody murder. “I found her in a ditch when I was on my run, and it didn’t seem like her mother was anywhere nearby. I didn’t want to just leave her out there.”

“Oh my fucking god, Bucky!” You reached out and he handed her to you. You wrapped your hands around her loosely and cradled her against her chest. “We need a heating pad.”

“What?” He asked confused for a second.

“She’s barely a week old honey, she can’t regulate her own body temperature, go get my heating pad from the bathroom.”

“So, we’re keeping her?” He asked, a grin spreading over his face as he rushed into the bathroom.

“Of course we’re keeping her Barnes.” You scoffed at him. “FRIDAY, we need kitten milk replacer as soon as possible, and specialty feeding bottles for newborns. And get a vet here too.”

“On it, Y/N. There’s a house call veterinarian that can be here in one hour, and the rest of your supplies should arrive within 30 minutes.”

“Thanks FRIDAY.” You were making soft cooing noises at the baby as Bucky came back into the room with the heating pad, and he practically groaned at the smile you gave him.

“Happy Valentine’s day, doll.” He murmured as he kissed your hair and wrapped one arm around you, handing you the heating pad.

“Happy Valentine’s day, Buck.” You whispered back at him. “What should we name her?”

“What do you think of Alpine?”

Tags!

@buckysnumberonegirl​ @slothspaghettiwrites​ @captain-asguard ​ @starlightcrystalline​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @quxxnxfhxll​ @bonkywobble​ @chrisevanscardigan ​ @chubbybuckydumpling​ @StanAllStarks @blackestpinkworld​ @fistmebuckyskywalker​  @wandering-spiritash h​ @khadineberry​ @shutupstevie @muzzyandbusy​ @slytheriin2002 02​ @youthought-iwasa-nicegirl ​ @isysen en​ @drabblewithfrannybarnes​ @stargazingfangirl18 ​ @jack-skellingtons-stuff @chrissquares

[twinklelilstarkey]

Stopping You [Part 10] - Michael Gray

Words: 8.9k+

Summary: Y/N’s recovery from both her feelings and her wound takes a step back after a specific night.

Warnings: Female!Reader. Mentions of wounds, a lot of blood, death and night terrors. Emotional cheating. Self-hate (discrediting their own sadness and feelings; hateful inner voice).

Prologue    Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4    Part 5     Part 6    Part 7   Part 8    Part 9    Part 10    Part 11

It has been a total of 24 hours.

Yesterday was a bad day. Both mentally and physically.

Polly tried her best into bringing your mood up, which worked in some way. She eased your mind by telling you that what you were feeling is completely normal, but as soon as you were alone, it was like the whole world was crashing on you.

Over crying so much as hateful questions filled your mind, you were sore at the end of the night. You contracted your muscles so much while sobbing that you could feel your wound pulsate against your skin in pain.

You questioned almost everything about your life before and after Michael left and when he reappeared. Things have changed, not just around his family, but also around you. And that seems to be one of the most confusing matters.

You never cared too much about this, but you can’t help but think about how so many things have changed since Michael came back. From your behaviors to how you function. Everything has changed in some way.

You’ve always suffered with night terrors in your life, ever since your parents left, but they were almost never about Michael. The exception being when the whole Italian/New York mafia situation went down, and Michael got injured. But other than that, it was always you, or anybody else close, that would die.

Never Michael.

You want to know what could’ve possibly awaken those thoughts and that part of your brain that makes you think like that. Could it be because you now connect him to something bad in your life? Or that when he came back, he had-

No, you’re not going there. It’s useless. It will cost you nothing pain, and it won’t grant you any answers. Might as well push that away and live your life.

Or at least try.

You bring your hot mug back to your lips and take another sip of your tea, letting your eyes fall to the ground.

Polly believes you could talk to him. Tell him about how you’ve been feeling lately. But, honestly, for what? To say that you’re falling right back in love with him just to later be thrown in the face that he does not love or feel anything for you anymore.

He. Is. Getting. Married.

It would just be simply ridiculous to do such a thing.

He doesn’t feel anything for you and that’s okay. All he feels is pity and maybe he got a little scared over you being shot, but that’s it. There are no feelings attached, no romance. No nothing. Just simply… a connection through pain, which awoke lost and forbidden memories.

Maybe this could just be your pride talking over your heart but, you just can’t believe that you’re letting yourself fall so easily. After so long of crying over him and overworking yourself to become a Peaky Blinder and just- not worry about anything in your demolished love life. All of it going to the trash because… You caught feelings for him again?

It’s disappointing to say the least.

Today, you awoke as soon as the sun made its way into the living room and since then, you haven’t done much. You walked back to your room after getting yourself a warm drink and sat by the window staring at the green grass of the neighbors’ house like it’s the most entertaining thing in the world.

A book is resting beside you. You have read a few good pages, but you can’t bring yourself to read more than 20 at a time.

Your mind is too heavy.

Voices coming from downstairs make you look away from the window and up to your door. You try your best to identify them as soon as you find them familiar.

You can hear voices and the laugher of Lizzie and Arthur. Which is awfully strange.

You scowl at the sound, and the soft patter of quick feet running around the house squeezes your heart. The kids are here too.

You rise from your seat and walk across your bedroom to the door. You open it softly and the sound of everyone’s voices is now louder. Confusion is the most prominent emotion you can feel right now, but you can’t help but welcome it better than any other one you’ve been feeling lately.

While walking down the main stairs silently, a soft gasp is heard over the loud voices. Ruby’s.

You smile at her as she spots you walking down the stairs and she quickly let’s go of her mother’s hand to run towards you.

As you’re distracted swallowing down the jab of pain at your middle while leaning down to grab her, Polly’s eyes meet you. The smile in your face is almost like a warm hug in the winter. She could get used to this sight forever.

“Look who came back from war,” Ada jokes as she spots you.

She walks towards you and her arms wrap around you as soon as you’re close enough. You lean towards her, even with Ruby on your hip, and she squeezes you in closer.

“I was so worried,” She tells you, “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

You pull away from the hug with a small smile and she gives you a wide one in return. It’s been a few weeks since you last saw her. She had left back for London not long before the whole event happened. You honestly didn’t expect to see her this soon.

As Ada moves back, everyone’s attention goes over to you. Everyone, or at least, almost everyone pulls you into a hug, sharing their words of how grateful they are from knowing that you’re still breathing.

You know they had visited you back at the hospital when you were still asleep, but nothing compares to actually seeing you move like nothing had happened. Arthur’s words, not yours.

Talking about Arthur. He was awfully apologetic while you two hugged it out. You believe he must have blamed himself for what happened, but you were quick to take that idea off his head.

You’re not about to see anybody else beating themselves for something out of their reach.  Unless that’s you, of course.

Tommy and Arthur, not even 20 minutes into stepping in Polly’s home, excuse themselves and leave off to work.

The crowd in the living room doesn’t consist in much more people. Both Ada and Lizzie, and of course the kids, stayed behind and took a seat on the couch. The kids surrounded you as soon as you all sat down, while the women in front of you were distracted on talking about whatever, or rather, whoever worth of gossiping.

You listen to some of their words while being continuously pulled into conversation by Charlie as you let Ruby sit next to you, leaning to your side.

Karl is sitting closer to his mother, but looking at you and joining the conversations, nonetheless.

“What about you, Y/N?” Ada asks as she sips her tea.

“What about me?” You ask confused, obviously having no clue on what she’s on about.

“We were talking about weddings,” Lizzie explains, “Sharing our opinions on what is the best wedding. And Ada asked if you have anyone in your mind as your future husband?”

Her tone is playful more than anything. Both Lizzie and Ada expect a disgusted scowl or a roll of your eyes as an answer, but Polly can’t help but tense up against her seat at the question.

As innocent as this conversation was, it was more than powerful to push you back into your inner darkness.

“Not that I know of.” You answer, trying to mimic Lizzie’s tone.

“Oh, come on. You don’t find any man attractive?” Ada asks, putting her cup down beside her, “Not even one?”

You shake your head slowly and she stares at you with half closed eyes, almost as if she has a suspicion of some sort about your feelings towards any male presences.

“There has to be someone,” Lizzie agrees with Ada, “It’s been… what? 3 years?”

You shrug, fighting your urge to correct her since it won’t do you any justice, and the two women share a look as Polly watches all the action unfold.

“What about Finn?”

Oh god, you almost gagged right here.

Ada laughs under her breath at your disgusted yet shocked look and shakes her thoughts of that couple even be slightly real, away.

“God.” Polly scoffs out loud, making every woman rip a slight smile.

“What’s so wrong about my baby brother?” Polly asks, hands over her hips, playful grin on her face.

“Nothing is wrong,” Polly explains, “They would just be the most chaotic couple to existence. Can you imagine?”

You chuckle at her words and shake your head.

“They would burn down the church right at their wedding,” Polly jokes making both Lizzie and Ada laugh, “Probably even when saying their vows.”

There’re a few seconds of silence as the women let their giggles die down.

“Where is Finn?” Lizzie asks curious.

“Oh, Tommy has been making the boy work double the shifts now, for some reason.” Polly answers, “I don’t understand why, but they changed a lot of his shifts since their last meeting.”

“There was a meeting?” You ask confused.

Polly looks over at you.

“Yes, there was. It was only between Tommy and some of the men.” She answers with a short nod, “Nothing too important was talked about, I’m sure.”

You nod at her a little bit unsure and Charlie is quick to grab your attention back to him. He pulls you by your sleeve to look at him and he starts showing you his new toy horse, again.

You feel like you’ve seen that horse a thousand times, now.

Another conversation restarts between the women and you lean back on the couch, letting Ruby continue to play with your gold necklaces as Charlie talks his heart out about the horse that his dad gave him.

Your mind is constantly somewhere else. But this time, it focused on work. Mainly, on what the meeting could’ve possibly been about. As if any meeting with just the men was ‘not important’. They always have the most interesting meetings.

And with that train of thought, hours go by.

You were so distracted by listening to the women beside you laugh and talk, or just with looking down at the kids, that you didn’t even notice the time pass.

Your mind is still on that damned meeting, but you don’t let it get the best of you. You’re sure that the information will eventually reach you. In one way or another.

Three knocks are heard from the front door, and only Polly stands to open it. Nobody thinks too much of it. Everyone knew that eventually someone would come and pick up Ada, Lizzie and the kids.

It’s soon to be dark out, they must be almost leaving now.

“I’m sorry that we’re late.” A familiar voice sounds from the door.

Ada freezes and at the same time she looks up at you, you look up at the door. Not even 5 seconds later, Michael enters the house, followed by, of course, Gina. His blue eyes travel to the couch in the living room, and as he finds you, you’re already looking down at Charlie.

Your hand rests against Charlies’ head, smoothing his soft hair between your fingers, detangling it softly.

He forces his gaze to go back to the blonde behind him and his mother closes the front door behind them.

“Go sit. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll go make more tea.” Polly says, voice strong, not as soft as it was previously.

Ada’s and Lizzie’s eyes stay on both Michael and Gina as the couple stands in silence. They don’t find the women’s gaze as nothing more than their way to look at guests before exchanging some welcoming words, so, the tense air and shock just came unnoticed.

“Oh, hi Michael” Ada says, standing on her feet. “Didn’t expect to see you today.”

She gives her cousin a quick hug, in which he hugs back, but her eyes quickly fall on the blonde.

“And who are you?” Ada asks softly.

“Michael’s fiancée, Gina” She says with her American accent, extending her hand towards the other family member she hasn’t heard of before.

Ada shakes her hand, feeling slightly confused and shocked with her words, but, just like anyone else in this room, she’s quick to hide her emotions.

“Please, sit. I don’t want you standing all night.” Polly says to the new guests, from the kitchen door.

Michael is the first one to move towards the couches. You don’t dare to look up at him and he notices, fighting his own urge to start a conversation.

Your heart quickens the closer he gets to you and Charlie looks up at him, probably recognizing his face somewhere.

“Charlie, honey, scoot over a little.” Lizzie tells the boy.

The boy in front of you nods in response and takes his eyes off Michael. He stands on the couch and carefully steps over your lap and sits on your other side, by the arm of the couch.

Michael takes his seat next to you and you hold in your breath as your arms rest completely against one another. Lizzie moves a bit to the side and Gina sits beside her fiancée, who has his attention somewhere else.

“How are you?” Michael whispers down at you and you still don’t look up.

“Good.”

Your tone is cold and distant, which he finds extremely strange and awfully uncomfortable.

The couch is surely not large enough for 4 people, but you and Michael are having it worse than anyone else seated down on it. Lizzie and Gina have at least a few inches between themselves, while you and Michael are almost completely leaning against one another, trapped between Gina and Charlie.

Michael’s hands rest over his lap as he hears the awfully awkward conversation between the women start, not finding it at all surprising that you are paying them no absolute attention.

Ruby lets go of your necklaces for the first time and looks down at your hands.

They’re slightly sweaty over the presence of the man beside you but she pays them no mind, grabbing onto them as she eyes the expensive jewelry, surely something she loves a lot about you.

Polly comes back not too long after, and she’s quick to serve everyone another cup of tea.

You refuse any more, since you feel like you’ve already drank too much and explode your own bladder if you keep on going. And as your hand lifts to dismiss the tea from Polly, Ruby catches it.

You smile a bit at her and Michael grins slightly at the sight of the small girl being so interested in your hand. You let her twist the rings on your fingers and her gaze moves up at Michael.

His grin seems awfully contagious to her since she ends up smiling shyly at him as she continues to hold your hand up. As they do their staring contest, you look over at Charlie, who entertains himself and his mind with his new, and very loved, horse.

You sigh softly as your heart continues to beat quickly against your rib cage and you can’t tell if it’s just because you’re anxious about Michael or is it just his presence that is making you react like this.

“Have you taken your pain meds?” Polly asks.

You look up quickly as you notice that the question must be for you and a shiver runs past you as everyone’s eyes fall on you, even Gina’s.

“I will when I go to sleep.”

She gives you a disapproving look and you give her a grin in return.

“It helps me sleep.” You justify, and she sits back in her chair.

Michael grins at the exchange of words and your stubbornness and Ada notices it before continuing with her conversation.

Ruby rests your palm against hers and starts comparing both sizes.

You chuckle at her and as your body jumps at the laugh beside Michael, he looks down at Ruby to see what made you react. The small girl looks up when sensing his eyes on her and as Gina joins the conversation between the other women, Ruby extends her other hand at Michael, holding it upright.

He looks at her confused and you notice.

“She wants to compare your hand to hers.” You explain in a low whisper.

He takes his hand from his lap and extends it to her. His hands are surely bigger than yours, and that seemed to shock the small girl.

You smile as she lays her hand over his with widen eyes and Polly looks up from her tea at you, mind still on the conversation she started.

Her heart swells up at the sight. You and Michael smiling down at the girl sitting on your lap as she holds your hands up and compares them to hers. She can’t hear what you say over the loud voices and from being across the room, but she sees you saying something to Ruby, making her nod.

Michael’s smile widens at the small girl and you look up at him quickly, stealing a look before you get caught, which you don’t, not by him at least. Polly surely did, but she doesn’t say or do anything.

It’s so obvious that you still feel something for him, at least for her. But Michael seems to be unreadable, sometimes. It’s hard to figure anything out.

Gina stares at Polly while grinning at what Ada says and finds her staring at her son, she follows her gaze and clenches her jaw. The urge to roll her eyes feels stronger than her, but her bottled up rage triples at sight of you smiling.

Ruby takes her hands off yours quickly, shyly putting them close to her chest. You continue to smile down at her and as you and Michael try to retreat your own hands, she holds on to them.

Her actions are innocent, purely curious on the size of your hands, but she still leans both of your palms together, still holding them upright.

You and Michael don’t give that much of a reaction as Ruby tries to align them perfectly at the base of your palms and see the size difference from the top of your fingers.

An idea pops in your mind as your hand rests against Michael’s, and as Ruby pulls back to check the difference after so much adjusting, you slide your palm against Michael’s, so your fingers align right at the same height.

Michael chuckles at the confused look on Ruby’s face and she smiles at the contagious sound.

But as soon as the small girl notices what you’ve done, she sends you a glare, making the two of you laugh at her.

Your conjoined laughs catch everyone’s attention for a quick second and Gina doesn’t even care to take a second look. Ada smiles as she sees Ruby readjusting your palms, and, this time, it’s Michael who moves his hand, almost making his fingers only lay over half of your palm.

Ruby glares at him too and you two laugh, again.

“Alright, we’ll stop.” You tell her.

Ruby retries, but this time she has a tactic. As she makes sure that you are aligned perfectly, she holds both your and Michael’s thumb and force them to rest against the other’s back of the hand.

She leans back and stares at the difference between your hands, now happy with her achievement.

You two let her stare at the size difference with her big wide eyes, but something interrupts the sweet moment.

“Michael, honey.” Gina calls out as the conversation between everyone restarts, “Can you pass me that cup?”

Michael takes his hand off yours and you can’t help but feel disappointed at the loss of his touch. He leans forward on the couch and grabs the cup of tea for Gina from the center table, something she could easily get it herself.

You let your hand fall back to your lap and you take a sharp deep inhale, not wanting to be sitting on this couch for any longer.

You let some minutes pass, so you don’t seem like a total bitch, and when feeling ready, you lean forward on the couch, wincing in pain as your body shows to have grown sore over the lack of painkillers and from not moving at all for the past few hours.

Polly’s eyes go over to you at the sound only her seemed to notice, and you look back at her.

“I’m going to bed, I think.” You explain, making everybody get silent and look at you, “I feel exhausted.”

“Need help to find your meds?” She asks, already starting to get up, and you shake your head.

“No, no.” You hold your hand up stopping her, “Stay here. I’ll find them.”

You make sure to sit Ruby on the couch comfortably before forcing yourself up from the low couch. You fight off any sound of pain as you stand on your feet, but your face made it quite obvious.

You really should’ve taken those meds earlier.

You walk to the kitchen, trying not to show any other expression of pain, and everyone’s eyes are on you. Gina stares as you lean against the doorframe to regain your strength, yet she doesn’t feel anything in return. Not even an ounce of pity.

You stumble into the kitchen and look at the main counter, expecting the meds to be sitting right in the middle, just like you left them. But this wouldn’t be Polly’s house if they were.

Your feet get dragged as you take your time walking around to the kitchen.

You start opening every cabinet and drawer that could possibly have your meds, but there are too many to find them right away. Maybe going to bed without your meds wouldn’t be that bad.

You just need to lay down, now.

“Need help?”

You turn on your heels to find Michael by the doorway, already in the kitchen. You look away quickly back to all the drawers and try to hide any type of emotion towards his sudden appearance.

“No, I think I got it.” You answer back.

You continue to look through the many drawers and only after 2 minutes of seeing you struggle; Michael decides to move. He walks towards you and you stand still as he does so.

As he passes between you and the counter behind you, he holds onto your shoulders to make you stand back a little and let him pass. Something that surely made your skin react, but, thankfully, it all came unnoticed to him.

He opens a drawer slightly away from you and pulls out exactly what you’re looking for.

“How did you know?” You ask, curious.

“This is where she would put my meds after I got shot. It’s her drawer from stronger meds.” He explains.

How the hell did you not know that?

You walk towards him as he opens the small paper bag, taking your medicine out and handing it over to you. You take it from his hands carefully and put it down on the counter beside you.

“Thank you” You whisper at him.

You take your medicine in silence as the conversation restarts in the living room, and you try not to cringe at anything that you’re taking. Why is everything so bitter?

Whenever you’re done with one of the meds, Michael grabs them slowly and puts them back on the bag without saying anything.

He slides the drawers closed when done and you start taking the jewelry off your hands, just to start and get your way to the bed way quicker.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks and you look up at him.

“No. But I’ll be.” You say sincerely before looking away and taking a step away from him, “That’s what matters.”

Michael notices your hesitation into continuing some sort of conversation, just like your slight cold tone, but he tries his best to ignore it.

“I’m going to bed,” You announce while turning your back to him and making your way out of kitchen.

“Good night.” He says as you reach the doorway.

You send him a tight-lipped smile and walk out, back into the living room. Polly is, of course, the first one to notice you.

“Did you find it?” She asks.

“Michael did.” You answer.

You walk over to her and once close, lean over and kiss her cheek. The rest of the family distracted with something else or some other type of conversation.

Michael walks out of the kitchen and you reach the stairs, after saying a quick good night, loud enough for everyone else to hear.

You jump up the steps with your rings in your hands as you bring your cold and clammy hands to your neck to try and unclasp your necklaces. Your eyes land on Michael’s as you reach the top floor and he’s staring back.

Gina calls his name in a whisper and he looks at her, breaking your eye contact. And as soon as his eyes reach Gina’s, he doesn’t hesitate into giving her a sweet smile.

As he looks back up while walking around the couch, his eyes meet nothing but some painting on the wall.

You’re not there anymore.

(…)

The sound of birds surrounds you, their soft and energized tweeting coming from the trees far away from you and some branches above you, as the warm summer wind hits your body like a warm hug.

You shift your position on the ground, laying on your stomach and looking up at the sky between the branches high up, far, far away from you.

Solitary clouds float over the bright blue sky, almost not shielding any land from the sunlight.

Your exposed back is warm, erupting into chills whenever Michael moves his hand. You close your eyes again and let yourself relax again.

A hand touches the side of your head softly and slowly you feel its fingers start to trace your hairline. You open your eyes, blinking the sunlight away, and look up at Michael.

His hand falls to your cheek as you move and a small smile spreads over his lips.

“Let me sleep,” You whine, and he finally gives you a full smile.

“Alright,” He answers in a whisper, “Sorry.”

You sigh and hold yourself up with your hands, you push your body up on his torso and his hands go to your waist. Not caring over only wearing a dress, you lay yours legs over his hips, straddling his lap while pulling yourself up.

“I forgive you.” You whisper back playfully.

You snuggle into the crook of his neck and his smell hits you like an embrace. The small bit of communication pulled you away from your sleepy thoughts and movements, but you still felt just as clingy and slow.

As you lay back against him, his arms wrap around you, pulling you close to him with everything in him. You snuggle in to welcome his tight hold and one of his hands stretches over your skin of your back.

You’re wearing a simple black dress, baggy from your waist down, but completely backless.

“Can we lay here for, like…” You pause, “Forever?”

Michael chuckles from under you and leans his head to the side to rest it against yours.

“We’ll get hungry eventually.” He answers, and you smile.

“I’m sure there’s some animals around here.” You continue to play around, smile prominent in your voice.

“I hope you know how to make a fire, then.”

You giggle into Michael’s neck and pull away slightly. His hold loosens slightly so you can move a bit and you look down at him.

“Don’t you know how to make a fire?” You ask and he frowns.

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know” You shrug, “Weren’t you like a country boy or something?”

With that, Michael lets out the biggest belly laugh ever, leaving you to smile as he cackles away at your words. Your tone had been obviously playful, but it still made it just as funny for him.

“I lived at a farm. I wasn’t a cave man!” He exclaims, tilting his head to look at you better.

“Sounds the same to me.”

He smiles at you and you bring one of your hands to his cheek, caressing it with your thumb. You lean in and give him the softest peck you could. When pulling away, you look at him in the eyes as he tries to pull you into another kiss. You let him, letting your lips rest over the softness of his as you too fall into the pit of slow and lovingly making out.

He sits up in the middle of the kiss and you sit over his legs as he does it. His hands travel effortlessly down your waist to your legs, lifting your skirt enough to slither in his hands underneath.

You pull away and look down at him as you stand on your knees, adjusting your seating on his thighs. You peck his lips multiple times before sitting back and eyeing him.

“I love you” He confesses in a whisper, eyes staring back onto yours, “so much”

“Really?” You ask, serious, leaning a little back and he frowns.

“Yeah…?”

He’s confused, but soon your playful smile reappears.

“How much, again?”

“A lot.”

“How much is ‘a lot’?” You keep going. “Like, ‘a lot’ like the size of a mountain or ‘a lot’ as in…” You think for a second, but he interrupts.

“How old are you again?” He teases about your childish words and you force your smile to disappear, just so you can scowl at him.

“Oh, fuck off” You say to him, “I was trying to be cute here, no need to ruin the moment for us.”

“Alright, keep going then” He says, “The size of a mountain or…?”

“Uhm… The size of…” You try to think, mind completely blank over any ideas. “The size of… the ocean?”

He chuckles at your final words and you grin.

“The ocean.” He says, sure of his words, no hesitation.

You stay silent for a bit.

“Which one?”

“Oh, come on!” He says, completely bored out of this conversation, making you laugh at him, “The biggest one you can think of”

“Really?”

“Yes. Now, can you please” He emphasizes the word comically, dragging it, “for the love of God, just tell me that you love me back?”

You kiss his lips over his frown.

“You’re so romantic.” You comment sarcastically.

“I know.”

You smile at him and decide not to give in just yet. The boy can suffer for a bit.

Telling him that you loved him now or in 5 minutes won’t exactly make that much of a difference.

You stand up on your feet, away from his lap, and he stares up at you while letting out a sigh.

“You gotta earn it.” You say with a playful look, making his frown break slightly.

“Oh really?”

“Yes.” You nod.

You take a step back as he stands up and your smile doesn’t disappear at all as you move away from him. Every step forward from Michael is a step back for you, making his urge to get to you bigger.

And soon, the running around starts.

You laugh as you run from him, sometimes feeling his fingers graze over your arms, making your heart beat faster with the adrenaline.

The tall weeds slap the skin of your exposed legs softly, tickling you as you ran away from your boyfriend. The scenery in front of you motivates into keeping on running, the summery flowers all open and colorfully staring up at the sky.

All you hear is your soft steps over the plants and the birds, it gives you peace. You can still hear Michael running behind you.

You let out a giggle as he’s about to touch you and out of nowhere, it stops.

The warm breeze lifts into a cold one and you look around confused.

You know that the weather can be unpredictable, but this is too radical for it to make sense.

Your hands start getting cold rapidly and soon your body is enveloped into complete body chills, your dress being nothing but useless when it comes to make you stay warm.

The breeze goes from cold to freezing in the matter of seconds, leaving you nothing but panicked.

You feel lightheaded and short of breath and as you try to warm yourself up with your own arms, soon you realize… You can’t feel your own palms touching your skin.

The sunlight fades as clouds fly their way in to color the skies a dark grey and you stare up.

You’re in a dream.

You’re dreaming.

You look over your shoulder at Michael to find him just as confused just a few steps away. He must have stopped running right as you did. But his skin, is not reacting like yours. His exposed arms, from the folded sleeves are not reacting to the cold in chills. It’s like it’s not affecting him.

He’s not the real Michael.

“What’s happening?” He asks you.

“I don’t know” You lie. You know exactly what’s happening.

Your dream is becoming a nightmare.

You look around as the wind gets harsher and your heart starts to beat more violently, just like your shortness of breath forces you into panting your way to find your peace again.

You step closer to Michael and cup his face.

He stares back at you still with his confused eyes and you kiss him. Your lips touch his and his hands come to rest over your waist as the wind continues to come at full force towards you.

Your hands feel numb, not being able to feel the texture of his suit, just like you had felt a few minutes prior. But you feel his hands, the way they rest on your waist, warming your skin under the violent and freezing wind.

“I love you,” You tell him as you pull away.

You open your eyes and you’re met with Michael’s pale face. His eyes are empty, with absolutely no light or sign of life.

You caress his cold cheeks with your thumbs, and you notice blood over his bottom lip. His hands had fallen a second ago from your waist, and you already miss his familiar warmth.

You bring your finger to wipe the blood away carefully and notice that it’s all over his mouth, coloring his white bottom teeth.

A small trail of blood starts falling off his nose and soon from his ears as well, slowly coloring your hands into the color red.

Red, hands completely filled with deep red, now that you try and wipe it.

Michael falls onto his knees and you do the same, holding him close to you even though it’s just his corpse. He’s cold and his hold is not even there anymore. His arms are by his sides as his head rests over your shoulder.

You wrap your arms around him, and the wind becomes more and more violent.

You force your eyes closed and let it take you too.

You open your eyes, and a loud gasp escapes your mouth. You’re not panting anymore, but your heart is beating quickly.

You try to sit up, but a sudden jab of pain hits you. You gasp and wince in pain but still bring yourself to do it. A sob escapes your mouth too right as you’re able to sit upright.

Your face feels wet and cold in the air of the room. You must have been crying before you woke up.

You whine in pain as you bring yourself to turn on the light beside you and as the warm yellow light illuminates the room, all you see is blood.

Your own blood, spread around your white shirt and white sheets, painting your hands just like in your dream.

“Pol-” You try to call out, but your voice breaks in a sob as pain runs through you.

You sob into the empty and silent air and try it again.

“Polly!” You sob out loud, hoping that that was enough to awake her if it’s late enough for that.

You wait a few long seconds for any sound coming from the hallway or stairs, but nothing.

“Polly!” You try to scream louder.

Polly holds her hand up to shut up Gina and the room falls silent. Michael leans forward from the railing of the stairs and looks at his mom confused; arms still crossed over his chest.

“Poll-” You cough.

Michael, before Polly could even get up, makes his way up the stairs and runs down the hall, trying his best to be fast enough to get to your room.

Your door swings open and you continue to sob as the lights are turned on.

“I don’t know what I did wrong.” You sob to whoever is at the door, staring down at your hands, “I-I, I woke up and…”

Michael shakes his shock away at the sight of your bed all bloodied, just like your hands, and walks towards you. His eyes fall to your shirt and notices from where your blood is coming from, your wound.

“Mom!” Michael shouts while looking up at the door.

Your ears start to buzz as panic starts to set in in your system and two hands move yours away from your eyes.

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” The voice repeats and you sob helplessly.

Michael sits in front of you in the bed and brings you close to him, ignoring that he’s now being covered in blood as well.

He makes you rest your hands on his shoulders so that they’re away from your eyes and starts to unbutton some of the buttons of your shirt.

Polly finally gets to the door and the sight is absolutely terrifying.

“She ripped stitches. I think.”

Polly forces herself to walk to the bed and to help Michael check your wound. He continues to unbutton your shirt with one hand only and he’s quick to rip the bandage off.

You sob in pain as he does it and both him and Polly try to look past the blood and ignore your sobs to see what happened to your wound. It opened, maybe 3 of the 9 stitches ripped.

“I’ll call the doctor.” Polly says.

Michael nods and holds you closer to him, not wanting you to move too far away. Your side rests against his chest and he wraps an arm around your shoulders, while one of his hands grabs the sheets and holds them over the wound.

You sob silently while leaning closer to him and he looks up at your face.

“Hey. You’re okay, look at me.” He whispers at you and you do it, “You’re okay. It’s not too bad. You’re safe. I promise.”

You stare at him in the eyes and he leans his forehead against yours.

“You’re okay” He whispers lower.

You nod as tears continue to roll down your face and he nods with you. Your breathing starts to slow down, and he presses a kiss over your wet cheek.

“I got you.” He whispers against your skin.

(…)

Michael sighs loudly as he walks into the kitchen and he feels exhausted.

“Is the doctor finished?” Polly asks him and he just nods, “And her?”

“Passed out before he could even start” He answers, “The doctor said to just let her sleep.”

He walks towards the sink and he turns on the water, holding his bloody hands under it. The two women standing in the kitchen are silent, watching him wash his hands carelessly while staring at the wall.

“I’ll go get you a clean shirt.” Polly says.

His mom walks out of the kitchen and he turns off the water, turning around to face Gina.

“Are we going to the hotel after this?” She asks softly.

“I can drive you there, but I’m staying here, tonight.”

She takes a deep breath and brings her hands to her head, annoyed.

“Why? She’s asleep. You can visit her tomorrow.” She tries.

“I’ll sleep better here.”

She scoffs.

“You’re fucking unbelievable.”

“I’m unbelievable?” Michael answers, bringing his hand up to point at his own chest.

“Yes!” She almost screams, “You are unbelievable! And you want to know why?” She asks, “Because no matter what I fucking do or fucking say, you will always put her before me.”

“Always, Gina? Are you serious?” Michael asks in disbelief, “You’ve been my fucking priority ever since we met, and now because I show some sort of affection towards a girl that is fucking bleeding and crying her lungs out, I’m supposedly putting her before you?”

“Yes! I don’t even know what you had with her before me!” She shouts, “Ever since I step foot into this shit hole I’ve been listening to her name and seeing her over and over again. Do you really think I believe that she’s simply a ‘family friend’?” She air-quotes.

“You want the truth?” He asks, no shouting needed, but he sounds mad.

“Yes.”

“We dated for 4 years, almost 5. I ended our relationship when in America.” He answers and Gina stands silent, “See? I can tell you the truth when you ask nicely.”

“And if you broke up why do you still like her?” She asks, ignoring his hateful tease at the end of his sentence.

“You have to be joking-”

“Are you going to say that that’s a lie?” She asks, crossing her arms over her chest, “Let me give you some of my truth, Michael. I honestly don’t give a shit about what you two went through, or if you were in a good relationship or not when with her, but you broke up. I don’t care why, but you did. And there was a time when you chose me over her. That’s why you proposed, right?”

Michael doesn’t answer her.

“So, please, for the love of God, stop being a child and move on with your life. You’ve been mopping around her, touching her all the time as if you’re dying to do it at every second of the day… Even if she does still like you, you are with me now, not her.” She spits at him, “Move. On. She’s not yours anymore, Michael. I am.”

He swallows hard at her words and looks at her emptily.

Polly makes her way back inside the kitchen, acting as if she didn’t hear a thing, but that seems to not scare off Gina from continuing.

“Are you even listening to m-?”

“I am.”

“Then say something, Michael.” She scolds, “Is it not true, what I’m saying?”

Polly looks between them as if waiting for it to evolve in any way, and simply extends her hand towards Michael, so he can grab the clean shirt.

“Is she your priority or no-”

“Yes.” Michael answers, “Y/N is my priority.” He nods, sure of himself and his words. “Yes, I’m engaged to you, Gina, but I care for her, and she will always be my priority.”

Gina bites her tongue and looks at Michael.

It honestly comes to no surprise. She had just thrown these words at him not that long ago, at lunch. He had just never confirmed it for her, and now… he did. But ‘always’? You will always be his priority? Now, that, doesn’t sit right with her.

They stand in silence and Michael leans back on the counter, finally taking the shirt from his mom’s hands. He thanks her with a look but to no avail because her eyes are not even on him.

“You’re serious?” Gina comments in slight disbelief.

“I am.” Michael confirms.

“What does that mean for us, then?” She asks.

Michael stays silent and the blonde slides off the highchair she has been sitting on, standing on her heels. Her eyes stay on him as tears threaten to swell up at her eyes.

“I’m not sure.” Michael answers truthfully.

She nods at his words and brings her eyes to the ground. She feels disappointed but mostly betrayed. Her eyes are good to show that emotion, but soon, it evolves into something else.  Pure anger. Anger over the betraying words and truth, the one that just got thrown around as if it was nothing.

And Polly notices it.

“I think it’s better if you leave, Gina.”

Michael takes his eyes off his fiancée to stare at his mother, who just opened her mouth. He didn’t expect her to get herself involved in his worries, but she did.

“What?” Gina asks, bringing her head back up to stare at Polly.

“You heard me.”

Her eyes travel to Michael in hopes that he would defend her, but nothing. He’s just staring back at her, almost holding the same look as his mother.

He doesn’t want her here. He wants her to leave.

She shakes her head, overcome with emotion, and forces her feet to move. Her palms tingle with the idea of hitting something, or rather, someone, but her eyes fill with tears.

How could have she been so stupid?

She slams the front door shut behind her and the Gray family stand in the kitchen unphased.

“Rather dramatic that one, uh?” Polly asks her son.

Michael doesn’t answer her venomous comment, but that didn’t seem to surprise her. His mother walks around the counter and grabs the cup Gina used for her whiskey, bringing it to the sink so she can wash it.

It’s like this conversation didn’t affect her a slight bit.

Michael feels weird. He doesn’t regret telling Gina anything but the look she gave him spoke more than any of her words could. She felt betrayed by him, and she was holding back so many emotions and words.

He knows that if it wasn’t for his mom, Gina would be screaming at him, maybe even throwing stuff at the walls. Just like she usually does when she’s upset. But she didn’t do anything, she decided to contain herself and not scream or even curse him out.

And honestly, Michael doesn’t know what’s worse. The fact that she could be destroying his mom’s kitchen or the fact that she’s bottling up all her frustration and anger.

He thought he knew Gina before coming back home, but the trip only made him and her show their true colors. One can’t stop comparing his newfound love to his old one, and the other obsesses over the idea of power and desperately wanting to overthrow anyone in her way.

Quite a pair, that’s for sure.

(…)

You open your eyes as the lights burns your eyelids open and an involuntary groan runs off your mouth as you’re hit with the morning light right in the face. You turn your head to the side, but you’re met with another window with the curtains open.

“Fuck.” You curse out loud.

You sit up and another sound escapes your mouth, but this time, a whimper of pain.

It takes you a few seconds to connect the dots and you finally remember why you’re in pain in the first place.

“Jesus Christ.” You comment to yourself, again.

Your bloody sheets are set to the side, right next to your door, and before your mind could even try to process it, you push any thoughts of your nightmare away from you.

You pull yourself up carefully and try to ignore the tightness that you feel over your wound. You’re not quite sure what happened after the doctor appeared, but if you’re still at Polly’s house, it could only mean one thing…

It’s not as bad as it looked.

You walk to the bathroom and the sight that meets your eyes is, just, great.

Your shirt is mostly unbuttoned, bloodied, just like your bra. Some of your skin has been cleaned, but not all. Your face as some blood smeared on it, but it doesn’t surprise you. You remember moving so much when you woke up, it would be a miracle it your feet would be clean.

You throw the clothes into the bin and start cleaning yourself off. You can’t exactly bath over having to make the wound be dry at all times. But you have been able to manage quite nicely. With weird positions, for sure, but you’re able to wash your body and hair quite nicely.

You put on some washed clothes on and make your way out of the bedroom. It must be really early since the house is more than silent.

Before you walk down the stairs, you walk over to the guest’s room just to check. Finn is laying on his back over the large bed, mouth partly open as some light snores escape his lips, making you smile at him.

You take a step back and close the door back up. He must’ve gotten here after the doctor.

You make your way down the stairs easily, and as soon as your eyes land on the couch, you see Michael.

He’s awake with a mug on his hands, eyes on the carpet as he is completely lost in thought. He has a scowl over his face, hiding any kind of emotion from anyone’s eyes, and as your feet finally meet the last step, he looks up.

His scowl disappears and a slight grin appears over his lips.

“Good morning.” You say before he could.

“Good morning.” He answers back.

You walk towards him and he watches you as you carry yourself with ease over to the couch. You take a seat next to him and notice that his mug is still filled with warm coffee.

He extends the mug your way when noticing your interest and you smile, taking it.

“Thank you.” You whisper.

The hot mug burns your cold palms, and you welcome the almost uncomfortable heat into your skin. You bring it to your lips and take a small sip of the dark liquid.

You’re sitting close to Michael, sitting on top of one of your legs as you sit looking at him. You’re not wearing much more than a shirt, exposing your legs to him and to anyone in the house, but you don’t seem uncomfortable with your lack of clothing.

“Are you feeling okay?” He asks and you bring the mug down from your mouth, licking your lips at the same time.

“Yeah” You nod.

You give him back his mug after taking your generous sips and he takes it back onto his hands.

“When did Finn get here?” You ask him, curious.

“About half an hour after the doctor left.” He answers, leaning forward to put down the burning mug on the coffee table, finding it impossible to drink from how hot it is, still.

You nod at as his answer and while you’re thinking about what else to ask, he speaks again.

“You scared the living shit out of us last night.” He says, making you look back at him.

His eyes are back on the carpet and your chest tightens at the sight.

“I’m sorry.” You apologize.

“Don’t.” He says, finally looking back up, “It’s not your fault.”

He leans back on the couch and both of you continue to look at each other. The air is not thick as it usually is, it’s light and easy to breathe in. Your looks are both familiar, always taking your minds back in time for a quick second.

Your mind takes you to your dream and soon his pale face reappears in your mind. You shake the thoughts away, right as Michael opens his mouth to talk.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, “I can make you something to eat.”

You smile widely at him and bring your hands to your lap.

“Are you finally proving yourself useful around the house?” You tease, making him smile back, “I must be in a dream. Since when do you-”

“I’ve always been able to cook” He defends himself.

“Yeah, right.”

“It’s true!”

“Michael, you couldn’t even cook potatoes!”

“Couldn’t!” He says to you, leaning forward to be right in front of you, “Things have changed in my kitchen.”

A laugh escapes your lips as he smiles down at you and he stands from the couch. He gives you his hand and as soon as your palms touch, he pulls you up from the couch.

“Come on, I’ll show you my experienced cooking.” He encourages as you take small, demotivated steps his way, “Do you want me to make you potatoes, just so I can prove my point?”

“No.” You giggle, “Just- Do whatever.”

He turns around and starts walking to the kitchen, letting your hand fall from his as you stay a little behind.

“You know what?” You ask him as you get in the kitchen, making him look back at you, “Maybe you’re not as insufferable as I thought you were”

Michael laughs at your words as you say them, and he nods.

“Oh, why, thank you!” He says enthusiastically, “Aren’t you lovely right as the sun rises?”

You let out a loud laugh and he moves over behind the island counter, looking around the cabinets to look for something to cook for you.

You stare at the back of his head as he walks around and take a seat on one of the chairs.

One could get used to this.

Taglist: @ohhersheybars @woodland-mist @onlythechicagoway @soleil-dor @finn-shelbys-bulldog @oh-theres-a-woman @peakyxtommy @ms-reader @beautycinders @lovemissyhoneybee @graceedwards @jadesbabylon @marvelismylifffe @a-dorky-book-keeper @peakascum @shanetoo @hufflemendes @cherrytop02 @http-cherries @burnitup @livingforbarnes @iccyyyybitch @ravennaofasgar @carezzesuigraffi @fernweh-fangirl @hufflepeople @huskyhunny @desertgremlin @fireawayxx @lemur46 @sugarcoated-lame @i-sneeze-to-appease @gabytodd​ @cococola-cocaine​ @namelesslosers​ ​

If you’d like to be apart of the taglist, let me know.

Hope you enjoyed this! If would like to make any questions about the characters or when the next part will be available. My ask box is always open.

[wafflesetc]

I’ve Been Missing You, Lately: Part 4

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3

Shout out to @kkruml for who she is and all she does. Go find yourselves one of these kinds of people. 

I walked out of the bar, wrapping my arms around my waist, a shield for whatever pieces of my heart I had left.

As I stepped fully outside with the door closed behind me, I found his blue eyes piercing into mine. Whisky meeting blue – just like they had on that dreaded day when we said our goodbyes.

I could hear his tone of voice in the background—but my mouth rattled the words quicker than I had intended. I didn’t mean the words— no – not with any fiber in my being, yet I had said them.

“I’m in love with another man, Jamie.” I heard the hollowness in my voice as I spoke. The empty pit I had become as a person the last 2 years flashed right in front of me.

I watched the corners of his mouth form a small smile as he spoke. “No yer not.”

Bloody Scot, could always read me like a book.

“How in the BLOODY hell do you know that?” I yelled at him as I took a step closer towards him.

“No yer not. Ye hopped on a plane, didna pack, ‘cause ye are still in yer scrubs.” Jamie started as he took a small step forward—closing the proximity between us —“I ken because you are here, Sassenach.”

I stopped and put my hand up, not allowing him to come any closer and took a deep breath.

“You look horrible. Like you’ve been run over by a locomotive.”

That got me a small Scottish grunt and a humorless laugh as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“After ye ran out on me this morning, I needed to talk to someone who… Would understand. So, I thought of Jenny, naturally. Her and Ian and the bairns are out in Glasgow, visiting Ian’s parents. Ye dinna even let me explain…”

“Well, there wasn’t much to say, you had another woman in your bed.”

“Ye didna stay to let me give ye the story.”

“Mmm.” I humphed at him as I raised an eyebrow at him.

“It has only ever been you, surely ye ken that.”

“You LEFT.” I screamed as I clenched my fists by my sides. “No letters, no phone calls, nothing. For two bloody fucking years.”

I watched as he crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side, urging me to continue.

“I went to Lallybroch, to say my own goodbyes. About three months after you had left, and right before I moved to Boston. They were like family to me, you know!”

I watched his eyes soften as I spoke of our farewell—of his family who had also become my family—the memories that haunted our past coming back to our present.

“She said you had written her, and you had told her that I should move on, not wait for you, that you didn’t have the heart to tell me yourself….. And I did that. I moved on because you didn’t have the guts to tell me yourself!” my voice cracked as I struggled to keep it from shaking— I could feel my face was red – probably the reddest it had ever been. I was borderline in full-fledged panic mode. I had never gone off on anyone like this. Jamie’s face was flat – he didn’t even know how to respond.

“I didna do—“

“I AM NOT FINISHED YET!” I interjected at a high-pitched noise. “And I wrote you, EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR. And not a WORD back, James Fraser.”

“Sassen—“

“DON’T CALL ME THAT.”

He stopped and I could see his cheeks blush a faint shade of red as he bit his tongue.

“You don’t get to call me that, you don’t get to do anything because YOU stopped caring. YOU stopped loving me!” I finished with the last bit of energy I had—barely audible, as the tears started to flow down my cheeks. Now, I was hysterical.

“NO.” I heard him hiss at me as he took a step closer to me. Now our noses were merely inches apart and I could feel his breath warm on my lips. “NO.”

I stood a bit straighter, squaring my shoulders. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my pulse strong in my ears, my breathing extremely shallow. He wanted to get a reaction out of me, and it was working.  

“YOU’RE TEARING MY GUTS OUT, CLAIRE. DO YE REALLY NO’ SEE IT?”

I closed my eyes, as the sobs started to come over me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and I could feel his grip tighten.

“Do ye know what I dreamed about, every day in that damn desert?”

I shook my head sheepishly at him, not opening my eyes.

“Of you, Sassenach. Yer hair in that god’s awful bird’s nest when ye first wake up in the morning, how ye dinna like peppermint toothpaste so ye always taste like spearmint when ye used to kiss me goodbye in the mornings.”

I didn’t open my eyes, but my ears caught the crack in inflection, an intimacy his tone as he recalled the mornings we used to spend together.

“How ye like yer coffee black and yer breakfast tea with a dash of cinnamon, and ye smell of lemons when I used to bring ye lunches at the hospital because of the hand sanitizer ye keep in yer pocket. I used to dream ye were lying next to me on that cot, that I’d wait up and smell your curls that smelled like lavender and honey.”

“Jamie… You have to st—“

“NO. I dinna have to stop! I DIDNA ken ye wrote me…. I never got a thing. And if ye werena so GODDAMN STUBBORN, YE WOULD HAVE LET ME FINISH MY STORY.”

I felt my shield crack at his words. He had never gotten my letters? Had he spent all this time as hurt and confused as I had been? What did this mean?

Could I open this door again? No – that was the past, and I could not handle being hurt again. Not by Jamie – I had barely survived the first time.

To love him – and then lose him again—it would end me.

“There is nothing left to tell…”

“DAMMIT SASSENACH!” He grunted as he shook me, almost violently. I opened my eyes and looked up to his to realize I had never seen this look on his face, I didn’t know how to respond. His eyes were glossy—a film of tears on the brink of falling. I could see the heartbreak written on his face as clear as day.

I thought my heart had hurt – but by the pain escaping the lines of his face, he had had the worst end of the bargain.

“Jenny admitted to me she told ye to move on. She was angry at me for leaving for another tour, when I dinna need to. She was angry at you too, for leaving for Boston. She was just angry at the fact we both left her… She was angry because she lost us both at the same time…”

“My let—lette—letters?” I managed to croak, almost incoherently, but I got the words out.

“Shortly after I was deployed, we were on a mission somewhere in the Hindu Kush mountains – my unit, we were bombarded. 4 of my men died from an IED, 2 from bullet wounds to the skull. I was the only survivor, kept a prisoner of war for 10 months.”

“Oh my god.” Another crack in the remaining pieces of whatever shield I had left. I was timid at first, as I slumped my shoulder, the anger slowly dissipating from me as my healing instincts wanted to kick in – and I placed my hand over his heart.

“Shh. Let me finish, Sassenach.”  He said as he hushed me, his grasp loosening on me and his tone of voice lowering. I looked away, in fear of where I had a feeling the conversation was headed. I knew too well the hardships of war, I had seen the battered US soldiers back in Boston.

“It was Dougal, my uncle, ye remember? Well… I, was tortured, many a time. For information, that I wouldna give them. Dougal and his team, rescued me, and I had a verra long road to recovery. Dougal kept the letters, didna let anyone save for him and the doctors, talk to me, or know what had happened… My status of recovery.”

I held my breath as I directed my glance towards his once more. Those sea blue eyes- I had known like the back of my hand and dreamed of every night since he had departed from me – were now overcome by of a cloud of grey as he relived the hell. Of things I could not even fathom or pretend to comprehend.

I could taste the salt from my tears on the corner of my mouth. I let out my breath, and I said his name. “Jamie.”

“Ye see, Sassenach. I didna forget ye, I couldna forget ye for a second while I was gone. The only reason I survived, was because of YOU, Claire.”

“I should have been told! I would have been there for you.” I grunted as I grabbed his biceps. I could feel my finger nails leaving marks, even through the layers of his jacket.

“National Security, ye ken?”

“I fucking ken alright! But Jamie, it was over before you left….We said goodbye….”

“NO.” He said with a firm tone. “We said goodbye, but it WASNA over. It wasna over then, and it still isna over.”

I couldn’t reply—his mouth claimed mine and for the first time in two years, I could breathe again.

[deniseyallen]

Rob’s Rundown: Week of February 4 – February 8, 2019

Senator Portman took steps to protect American jobs and Ohio’s economy by introducing the bipartisan Trade Security Act this week. The legislation will reform the Section 232 trade process to rein in misuse of the law and preserve the trade remedy tool when there is a genuine threat to national security. Portman spoke about the legislation on the Senate floor Thursday night urging his colleagues to support it.  With the Continuing Resolution deadline approaching next Friday, Portman continued to push his legislation to permanently end government shutdowns. The bill now has 33 cosponsors and he continues to push for its inclusion in any final government funding bill.  Portman’s guest for the State of the Union on Tuesday was Youngstown Mayor Tito Brown.  Portman praised the president’s call for unity during the speech, especially his message that we should “govern not as two parties but as one nation.”

On Friday in Ohio, toured the Rhinestahl Corporation and participated in a roundtable discussion with the leadership of the company, Butler Tech, students, and other regional manufacturers to discuss Career and Technical Education (CTE) programs and how to help more Ohioans get the skills and training they need to find good jobs. He also delivered remarks at the Clermont County Chamber of Commerce’s annual meeting and Small Business Development Center (SBDC) Business Awards luncheon.  

For a more detailed look at Senator Portman’s week, please see the following:  

Monday, February 4  

Portman Invites Mayor of Youngstown Tito Brown to Attend State of the Union Address

Ahead of the State of the Union address on Tuesday night, Portman invited Youngstown Mayor Tito Brown to accompany him as his guest:

“I’m honored to invite my friend Mayor Brown to join me for the State of the Union address,” said Portman. “I’m proud of the work Mayor Brown has done for the community of Youngstown and continue to be impressed with his leadership that is moving this city forward. Recently, Youngstown received a federal BUILD grant that will be used to provide great multimodal access between key employers in the Mahoning Valley, and I’m excited about how these transportation improvements will strengthen economic growth and job creation in Northeast Ohio.”

“It is truly an honor to be invited by Senator Portman to attend the State of the Union Address,” said Mayor Brown. “Sen. Portman and I have developed a great working relationship since I’ve been elected Mayor of the city of Youngstown. I am honored and look forward to representing Youngstown and it’s citizens at the President’s State of the Union address.”

  Tuesday, February 5

Portman Statement on the Senate Passing Bipartisan Legislation to Protect U.S. Allies, Strengthen Israel Relationship

Portman issued the following statement after the Senate passed the Strengthening America’s Security in the Middle East Act (S. 1) by a bipartisan margin of 77-23:

“I was proud to support this legislation and pleased it passed by an overwhelming bipartisan margin. This measure will strengthen America’s partnerships with crucial allies in the Middle East, and it will hold accountable the brutal Assad regime in Syria for its violence against its own people.  Importantly, this bill also allows state and local governments to divest from entities that engage in boycott, divestment, and sanctions (BDS) activities against our ally Israel. This bill provides key protections to those that chose not to participate in BDS actions that ultimately harm our long time strategic partner.” Editorial Boards Back Portman Effort to End Government Shutdowns

Portman Statement Ahead of President Trump’s State of the Union Address

Portman released the following statement ahead of President Trump’s State of the Union Address Tuesday night:

“The State of the Union is an opportunity to bring the country together, assess where we are, and look to the future. I’m looking forward to hearing the president’s speech.  I hope he uses this opportunity to focus on our shared goal of continuing to improve the economy for working families.  Despite the partisanship in Washington, we’ve made real progress on the economy with pro-growth tax reforms and regulatory relief that has helped to create millions of new jobs, boost wages and investment, and strengthen retirement savings.  Friday’s jobs report was more evidence of this fact, with an impressive 304,000 jobs created in January and, after a decade or more of wage stagnation, real wage growth.  In fact, over the last 12 months we’ve seen the strongest wage growth since the Great Recession a decade ago.

“Over the past two years, I have worked with the administration and my Senate colleagues from both parties to deliver results for Ohio on other issues as well.  I have taken the lead in enacting common-sense solutions to combat the opioid crisis, including my STOP Act, and curbing online sex trafficking with my SESTA legislation.  We enacted a major criminal justice reform package, which included my legislation to reauthorize the Second Chance Act to stop the revolving door of incarceration and help former inmates live up to their God-given potential.  In all, 31 of my bills have become law in the past year.  However, there is still much more work to be done.

“I hope the president outlines his plans to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure, improve job training programs to fill the in-demand jobs of today, tackle unfair trade and inequities in our economic relationship with China, and address the high prices for prescription drugs in our country.

“The president should discuss his responsible plan to strengthen our security on the southern border, which is backed by government experts who tell us we need more barriers and fencing in certain locations, but also more border agents, more technology and drones, more humanitarian assistance, and better screening at ports of entry to help stop the flow of heroin, fentanyl, cocaine, and crystal meth being smuggled into our country. 

“This is also an opportunity for us to join together to end government shutdowns once and for all, and I’m pleased there is growing momentum behind my End Government Shutdowns Act, which now has 33 cosponsors in the Senate. 

“These are just a few of the important issues ahead of us.  I will continue to do my part to deliver results for Ohio, and I stand ready to work with the president, his administration, and my colleagues in both parties on solutions that will make a difference for Ohioans and the American people.”

Portman Welcomes White House Announcement that Ohioan Ashley Evans Will Attend State of the Union Address

Portman welcomed the announcement that President Trump has invited Ashley Evans from Kettering to attend Tuesday’s State of the Union address. Portman released the following statement:

“I’m pleased that President Trump invited Ashley Evans of Kettering, Ohio to attend tonight’s State of the Union address. Last May, I was able to spend time with Ashley when I visited Brigid’s Path, where we discussed her story of recovery and how I was working to pass bipartisan CRIB Act, which would help folks like Ashley and her newborn born dependent on drugs recover. I’m so proud of all she has accomplished, now celebrating more than a year of sobriety, and in 10 days she will be reunited with her daughter full time. I applaud President Trump for inviting her and highlighting her story.”

  Wednesday, February 6 

Portman, Heinrich Applaud Appointment of Special Envoy to Combat Anti-Semitism

Portman and Senator Martin Heinrich applauded the appointment of a Special Envoy to Monitor and Combat Anti-Semitism, a position at the U.S. Department of State. The senators sent President Trump a letter in May 2018 emphasizing the importance of filling the position to ensure the United States continues to lead global efforts to combat anti-Semitism.

“I applaud the Trump Administration for filling this critical position at the State Department,” said Portman.  “With anti-Semitic incidents increasing at an alarming rate both in the U.S. and around the world, this position is needed now more than ever to help stem the tide of hate. No one should have to live in fear of bias and hate. America was founded on the principle of religious freedom, and we must stand up for this right for people around the world who are persecuted for their beliefs. With this important position now filled, the United States will be better able to lead global efforts to combat anti-Semitism.”

On Bloomberg, Portman Discusses President’s State of the Union, Trade & His End Government Shutdowns Act

In an interview with Bloomberg’s Daybreak, Portman discussed President Trump’s State of the Union address, our trade relations with China and the misuse of Section 232 of our trade laws. Portman introduced his bipartisan Trade Security Act, which will preserve the Section 232 trade remedy tool while ensuring it is used only for genuine national security threats.

Portman also highlighted his legislation to permanently end government shutdowns. Earlier this year, for the fifth time, Portman introduced the End Government Shutdowns Act to permanently prevent the federal government from shutting down, ensuring that government services aren’t disrupted and protecting taxpayers who must bear the resulting cost. The bill now has 33 cosponsors. He also urged his colleagues to support the president’s border security proposal, which draws upon the top 10 priorities of the Border Security Improvement Plan outlined by the government’s border security experts.

Excerpts of his interview can be found here and a video can be found here.

Portman, Brown Introduce Bill to Spur Investment in New Energy Technology

Portman and Sherrod Brown introduced bipartisan legislation to spur investment in an innovative new energy technology and support jobs in Ohio. The bill would benefit companies like Sunpower Inc., located in Athens, which has developed a promising electric power generation technology – the high-efficiency linear generator. The senators’ bill would provide parity to these companies by allowing them to access an investment tax credit that will help them scale their product to market.

“Linear generators are exactly the type of innovative technology that can help lower utility bills for homeowners and businesses in Ohio and throughout the U.S.,” said Portman. “Yet, this technology is at a disadvantage because of inconsistencies between the tax code and the practical, technical definitions for fuel cell technology. This legislation simply levels the playing field for Sunpower and other companies, making their linear generators competitive enough to fully enter the market during the phaseout of the existing investment tax credit.”

  Portman, Jones, Ernst, Alexander, Feinstein, Fischer, Sinema & Young Introduce Trade Security Act to Reform National Security Tariff Process

Senator Portman, Jones, Ernst, Alexander, Feinstein, Fischer, Sinema and Young introduced the Trade Security Act, legislation that will reform Section 232 of the Trade Expansion Act of 1962 to better align the statute with its original intent as a trade remedy tool for the president and Congress to respond to genuine threats to national security. In keeping with the original intent of Section 232, this bill makes common-sense reforms that require the Department of Defense to justify the national security basis for new tariffs under Section 232 and increase congressional oversight of this process.  

“We must hold countries that violate our trade laws accountable, but we must do so in a way that protects American jobs and strengthens the U.S. economy,” said Senator Portman.  “I have repeatedly expressed concerns about the misuse of the Section 232 statute to impose tariffs on automobiles and auto parts, and its impact on Ohio jobs and the U.S. economy as a whole. This bipartisan legislation preserves this trade tool while properly placing the national security designation at the Department of Defense and expanding the role of Congress in the process. As a former USTR, I know that misusing our trade tools not only hurts our exports and our manufacturers, but also our consumers, so I urge my colleagues to support this bipartisan legislation.”

  Thursday, February 7

Portman, Brown Invite Ohioans to Apply for Nomination to U.S. Service Academies

Portman and Brown encouraged Ohioans interested in 2020 admission to U.S. Military Service Academies to apply to each senator’s office for a congressional nomination.

“As a United States Senator, it is an honor and privilege every year to nominate a number of Ohio’s top young achievers for entry into one of our nation’s service academies,” said Portman. “Our nation has never had to look further than the Buckeye State to find those individuals who exhibit the sterling qualities of leadership, daring, and the sense of adventure needed to turn their biggest dreams into reality, and to rise to any occasion.”

Each year, Portman and Brown nominate up to 10 students for each service academy: the U.S. Air Force Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy, the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, and the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy.

  On Fox Business, Portman Discusses His Support for Stronger Border Security

In an interview with Fox Business’ Varney & Co., Portman discussed his support for the president’s border security proposal, which draws upon the top 10 priorities of the Border Security Improvement Plan outlined by the government’s border security experts. Portman believes enhanced border security is needed to help stem the flow of drugs and trafficking that remain significant problems on America’s southern border.

Excerpts of his interview can be found here and a video can be found here:

  Friday, February 8

More Editorial Boards Back Portman Effort to End Government Shutdowns

A growing number of the nation’s editorial boards – including the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Newark Advocate, Crain’s Cleveland Business, Daily Sentinel, Waterways Journal, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Washington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Toledo Blade, Akron Beacon Journal, and Cincinnati Enquirer – are praising Senator Portman’s efforts to end government shutdowns for good.  Earlier this year, for the fifth time, he introduced his End Government Shutdowns Act legislation which will permanently prevent the federal government from shutting down, ensuring that essential government services aren’t disrupted and protecting taxpayers who must bear the resulting cost. The legislation currently has 33 cosponsors in the Senate and a bipartisan companion in the House. Portman has made clear he will strongly push for its inclusion in any final government funding bill. 

Excerpts of the editorials can be found here.

Portman Delivers Remarks on Need to Reform National Security Tariff Process, Protect American Jobs

Portman delivered remarks on the Senate floor on new bipartisan legislation he introduced this week called the Trade Security Act, which will rein in misuse of the Section 232 trade law while preserving this trade remedy tool when there is a genuine threat to national security. In keeping with the original intent of Section 232, this bill makes common-sense reforms that require the Department of Defense to justify the national security basis for new tariffs under Section 232 and increase congressional oversight of this process.  

Transcript of his remarks can be found here and a video can be found here.

In Mason, Portman Tours Local Manufacturer & Participates in a Workforce Development Discussion

Portman (R-OH) toured the Rhinestahl Corporation and participated in a roundtable discussion with the leadership of the company, Butler Tech, students, and other regional manufacturers to discuss Career and Technical Education (CTE) programs and how to help more Ohioans get the skills and training they need to find good jobs. Portman previously visited Butler Tech in 2016.

“Ohio employers are struggling to find people with the skills to fill open jobs. We have a skills gap, but I was encouraged by the discussion I had today,” said Portman. “I enjoyed learning about the workforce development partnership with Rhinestahl Corporation and Bulter Tech, and I will take their ideas, feedback, and the good-work I saw here back to Washington because we need more like it.  I will continue my work at the federal level to make sure that Washington is an effective partner with local communities in providing Ohioans with the skills training they need to succeed.”

Photos from the event are here.

Portman Delivered Remarks at Clermont County Chamber of Commerce’s Annual Meeting and Small Business Development Center Business Awards Luncheon

Portman participated in Clermont County Chamber of Commerce’s annual meeting and Small Business Development Center (SBDC) Business Awards luncheon. Portman discussed his work to enact pro-growth policies, including the tax reform law which is helping the economy grow and create jobs, expanding exports of Made in Ohio products, and empowering Ohioans to ensure that they have a better tomorrow.

“I enjoyed participating in Clermont County Chamber of Commerce’s annual meeting today, and congratulations again to all the award winners,” said Portman. “Throughout my travels around Ohio I have seen firsthand the real, positive difference that tax reform is making for Ohio families, workers, and businesses. Businesses throughout the state are hiring more workers, making new investments, raising wages, paying bonuses, and expanding benefits for their workers all because of tax reform. This is exactly what Congress intended to accomplish when we crafted this new law, and I expect these terrific results to continue. I appreciated the feedback I received today, and I will continue working to improve the economy and help working families and small businesses succeed and flourish.”  

Photos from the event are here.

  On Social Media

          Lawmakers, businesses warn of long-term damage of tariffs

The Trump administration may have pushed trading partners to come to the negotiating table with tariffs, but a Delaware soybean farmer and a Virginia distillery owner say business people like them are paying a price for the tactic.

At a Wednesday press conference by Tariffs Hurt the Heartland, Senate Republicans Patrick J. Toomey of Pennsylvania and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin joined Democrats Thomas R. Carper of Delaware and Mark Warner of Virginia in decrying the tariffs, which they said are squeezing businesses and could eventually take a bite out of the U.S. economy. Tariffs Hurt the Heartland represents 150 organizations from several industries.

They want steel and aluminum tariffs on Canada and Mexico lifted, pointing to President Donald Trump’s pledge to cancel the duties once the U.S. renegotiated the 1994 North American Free Trade Agreement with the two countries. The three countries signed the product of those talks, the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement, on Nov. 30. Implementing legislation for the revised trade pact has yet to be sent to Congress.

The lawmakers also urged the administration not to increase the tariff rate from 10 percent to 25 percent on imports from China valued at $200 billion or to pursue tariffs on foreign-made autos and auto parts, as Trump has threatened to do with European car imports.

Toomey, whose bill would limit the ability of the president to impose levies for national security reasons, said U.S. tariffs in 2018 sparked retaliatory duties that raise costs for businesses and make U.S. products more expensive and less competitive against foreign competitors in those markets.

Ohio GOP Sen. Rob Portman filed legislation Wednesday that would shift the authority to the Defense Department to determine if a national security rationale exists for imposing future tariffs. The Commerce Department determined there was a national security basis for the steel and aluminum tariffs on Canada, Mexico and other countries…

“Tit-for-tat tariffs as a negotiating tactic are very, very dangerous.” Toomey said. 

(Lawmakers, businesses warn of long-term damage of tariffs. Roll Call. February 7, 2019.)  

Senators make a bipartisan push to limit Trump’s trade powers

As President Donald Trump prepares to once again make a bipartisan appeal in his State of the Union address Tuesday, members of Congress are linking arms on one of his favorite issues: trade.

Yet they’re working against the president, seeking to limit his authority to impose tariffs unilaterally on national security grounds, as he did last year on steel and aluminum, sparking a dispute with the European Union and alienating close partners such as Canada and Mexico.

Multiple Republican lawmakers are working alongside Democrats to put forward legislation curtailing Trump’s existing national security tariff powers. They include Pennsylvania Republican Sen. Pat Toomey, who recently introduced a bill with Virginia Democratic Sen. Mark Warner that would require congressional approval to impose trade restrictions for national security reasons.

“It is not impossible for there to be a very good reason to use trade measures in response to a genuine national security threat,” Toomey told reporters after introducing the bill. “However, we have seen this administration use this tool in a way that was never intended.”

Even as Trump and some of his closest GOP allies in the House continue to push for the US Reciprocal Trade Act, which would give the president authority to raise tariffs in response to various duties and trade barriers American products face abroad, senators are renewing their efforts to challenge the White House’s approach after a bruising year of escalating trade fights, including a painful tit-for-tat trade war with China that cost US farmers and importers while also contributing to economic turmoil in Asia.

Toomey’s bill, a revamped version of legislation initially introduced by former Tennessee Republican Sen. Bob Corker — a frequent Trump antagonist before his retirement last year — expands on the legislation by granting the Defense Department, rather than the Department of Commerce, the power to investigate whether different goods threaten national security.

Toomey’s bill would also provide a narrow definition of “national security” and would limit the items that can be considered under Section 232 of the Trade Expansion Act to those related to military equipment, energy resources, and critical infrastructure.

Toomey and Warner have nine cosponsors in the Senate, and a bipartisan group of lawmakers have introduced a companion bill in the House, but proponents could find the same uphill climb Corker faced last year. His original legislation never got a full vote in the Senate, though it passed 88-11 as a non-binding, symbolic measure in July.

But they’re not the only game in town. Ohio Republican Sen. Rob Portman says he plans to reintroduce a more moderate bill with Alabama Democratic Sen. Doug Jones as early as Wednesday that would preserve the president’s flexibility under the provision, while still increasing oversight of decisions citing national security concerns.

While Toomey’s bill would require Congress to approve any new trade restrictions, Portman — a former U.S. trade representative — would leave wiggle room for the White House by allowing Congress to disapprove of such tariffs only after the fact.

Portman’s approach would also put the Defense Department in charge of determining national security threats under Section 232 but would not rescind Trump’s steel and aluminum tariffs, a point that could win over more labor-friendly Democrats.

Portman expressed optimism in an interview Monday that the bill could receive a hearing and mark-up in the Senate Finance Committee now that Iowa Republican Chuck Grassley is chair. Grassley hasn’t endorsed one bill or another, but in December he pointed to Portman’s bill as “a prudent starting point for the discussion we need to have on Section 232 authority in the next Congress.”

“It’s important to actually accomplish something here, and that will require us to have a proposal that retains the tool and makes it workable, but also narrows it to its original purpose, which was for real national security crises,” said Portman.

Republicans for the most part remain hesitant to split with the President, and Democratic leaders may be unwilling to provoke steel interests by passing a bill that would lead to the removal of Trump’s current tariffs.

Others argue that Congress delegated such powers to the White House because the President needs to have a degree of autonomy to make key trade decisions.

“With trade policy, we’ve given the president authority, and just because they don’t like what this President does on tariffs — I don’t either like the way he’s done it — but I like that the President has the power on tariffs,” Ohio Democrat Sherrod Brown, who is eying a potential 2020 run, told CNN Monday night. “Because you have to be more agile and nimble than this Congress can be on something like that.”

That drew a joke from fellow Democratic Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island, who was walking with Brown and quipped: “Now that he’s going to be president, he’s all into presidential power now.”

(Senators make a bipartisan push to limit Trump’s trade powers. CNN. February 5, 2019.) 

###

  from Rob Portman http://www.portman.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/rob-s-rundown?ContentRecord_id=FA6A237B-2F34-4B07-9A2B-1142F1B33421

[inthatstateofgrace]

The 8 Limbs of Yoga and How They Help With Addiction Recovery

If my friends and family members met me for the first time around a decade ago, they wouldn’t recognize me. In fact, some of them are still awestruck at the changes I have gone through these past 10 years. You see, I used to be an addict.

The term is thrown around loosely nowadays, yet people forget about the seriousness of addiction as a mental health issue. That’s what it is, in reality. Addiction is an uncontrollable urge which was recognized as a disease by The American Medical Association in 1956.

If you manage to pull yourself out of your addiction abyss (some people never do), you’re confronted with a whole new set of challenges. For me, I had a difficult drug detox period while in prison. Then, one relapse after I got out, and endless moments when the cravings were so bad I was ready to say screw it and give in. Although I’m better at suppressing those cravings now, they never seem to go away in the end.

People deal with recovery in different ways. Some seek comfort in their friends and family, others go to therapy, a long-term residency at rehab, outpatient programs, and so on. Rehab centers have been immensely successful. Yet, there are people who have a difficult time coping with their new lives after they are released and sober. This has led to the development of holistic approaches to post-rehab.

While none of these methods should be considered as your one and only solution in recovery, they can be effective when combined with a proper program. Methods include acupuncture, meditation, massage, reiki and yoga among others.

When I set my eyes on yoga as a holistic method, I was drawn tothe fact that it’s a way to exercise. Working out was highly recommended post-rehab. After doing research, I put it into practice and was fully satisfied with the results. Yoga can help you control your emotions, which in turn helps you control your cravings. It allowed me to build self-control, which was very important in the recovery process. I used yoga to replace the artificial high from drugs and alcohol with the natural one from breathing and meditation.

Yoga is split into 8 different paths, also known as limbs. When people think of yoga they think of breathing and stretching, when in reality those are only a small part of it. In this article, we will look at how these limbs benefit your recovery. Let’s get started:

1. Yamas

Yamas are the first limb, and they deal with the behavior that one should have when practicing yoga. They consist of 5 different practices that we promise to ourselves when we begin yoga. The idea behind the Yamas is that we treat others the way we would like to be treated:

Ahimsa: the promise of non-violence.

Asteya: the promise of non-stealing (whether it be objects or the time of others).

Satya: the promise of truthfulness.

Aparigraha: the promise of non-greed or non-possessiveness.

Brahmacharya: the promise of self-control.

The five Yamas lay the groundwork for becoming a person who treats others with respect. Forgiveness and treating others well was a massive part of my recovery program. When I connected Yamas with the concept of acting with kindness, I felt more fulfilled and at ease with myself.

2. Niyamas

Similar to Yamas, Niyamas are the guidelines to our own ritualistic process. The way we nourish our mind, spirit, and body are the core standards for the Niyamas, which work in accordance with Yamas. They are:

Saucha: cleanliness of the inner and outer body. Proper nutrition, elimination of sugar, fats, drugs, and alcohol are part of keeping your body clean. Your mind must also be kept clean, removing feelings of anger or stress.

Santosha: contentment with oneself. Being mindful and appreciating the present moment, finding joy in the everyday instants of life.

Tapas: the fiery desire to improve your life with self-discipline. This relates to the motivation we have to live a better life.

Svadhyaya: to study your own body and mind. Using this you will know yourself inside and out, understand who you are, and accept yourself.

Ishvara Pranidhana: to surrender yourself to God. While this may seem difficult to accept for those who don’t believe in God, it can be interpreted as giving yourself to a higher purpose.

The 5 Yamas in combination with the 5 Niyamas are your ten keys to success in the practice of yoga. You will adopt the traits necessary to complete your journey, while also applying those very same stages to your life in recovery.

3. Asana

Asana is the practice that you will see in any studio. People stretching, doing poses and breathing. The benefits of this limb are that you get to exercise your body while enhancing your spirituality. Your circulation is also improved with Asana, which means that your vital organs get that extra boost of blood they need to recover and detox.

Asana reduces stress and negative feelings. If you didn’t already know, challenging emotions are among the top reasons why people relapse. When you exercise through Asana you lose weight. This boosts self-confidence and provides a general feeling of self-satisfaction.

4. Pranayama

This limb focuses on the control of your breathing. It is an essential step in yoga, where different techniques can improve circulation, heart health, and mental health. A strong mind is vital in addiction recovery. Pranayama allows you to build that strength through breathing.

5. Pratyahara

Recovery can be hectic. You might stress, feel depressed and overwhelmed with the second chance you’ve received at life. Sometimes you want to get away from it all, and in fact, it’s important to withdraw from daily struggles every now and then. Pratyahara does exactly that. It’s a form of meditation which provides a well-needed rest while you restore your energy to continue on the path to recovery. Focus on each of your senses individually from touch to taste, and appreciate the moment. You will replenish your energy.

6. Dharana

The Dharana stage follows Pratyahara, and is translated to “concentration.” You use this stage to proceed with deep meditation after the initial steps of the previous stage. These two limbs combined are especially important when fighting the anxiety that may affect you in recovery

7. Dhyana

As you continue through the limbs of yoga, Dhyana builds upon Asana, Pranayama, Pratyahara, and Dharana. Dhyana is the step when full concentration is reached. People who manage to reach this level end up introspecting and gaining self-knowledge. Understanding who you are and setting clear goals for your future plans are main key points of a successful recovery.

8. Samadhi

Welcome to the stage of transcendence, where you have arrived at the high point in your practice. People in the Samadhi stage feel themselves ascend into conscious freedom, and the natural high that comes from yoga is unleashed. Recovering addicts often compare this feeling to the one they would have if they were to completely eliminate addiction from their lives.

Those are the 8 limbs of yoga, and the ways they connect to and aid in your recovery. Holistic practices are plenty, with researched benefits. Yoga has been my favorite because I saw amazing results and it pushed me to maintain my sobriety. I am now 10 years sober, and I have reached heights in my life that I never thought previously possible. Hopefully, yoga will have the same effects on you as it did on me.

Has yoga helped you recover? How? Let us know in the comments!

—————–

Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Andy Macia, a recovering drug addict/alcoholic with over 10 years sober. He was born in Bogota, Colombia, but raised in Los Angeles California. He is an avid rehab blogger and digital marketing entrepreneur. 

Photo credit: Brian Crawford Photography on Instagram

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[deniseyallen]

Portman on the Opioid Epidemic: "We Have a Real Crisis on Our Hands"

During an interview this morning on C-SPAN, Senator Portman discussed the heroin and prescription drug crisis devastating communities across Ohio and our country. Portman, who is author of the bipartisan Comprehensive Addiction and Recovery Act (CARA), has been a national leader in combating this epidemic. He is now urging action on his bipartisan Synthetics Trafficking & Overdose Prevention (STOP) Act, legislation designed to help prevent dangerous synthetic drugs like fentanyl from being shipped through our borders to drug traffickers here in the United States.

Transcript of the interview can be found below and a video can be found here.

Host: “Thank you for joining us. I think you heard [the last caller] a little bit there. He says he agrees with you and your effort to make sure that there is funding in any sort of health care repeal effort, to address the opioid situation, but he wants to know where that money would go. What would it be used for?” 

Portman: “Thanks for having me on and I did hear the end of his question. He is right. We have a crisis right now. We need to ensure we are having not just the ability to get people into treatment but even longer-term recovery because that’s when it is more successful. I have probably met with 1,000 or more addicts or recovering addicts in the last few years alone as we put together this legislation that’s called the Comprehensive Addiction and Recovery Act and also the CURES Act. And the notion is to get the money to treatment centers so that people have access to treatment, but also sober housing and longer-term recovery, because, again, we know that that is going to lead to more successful results. That is what we have been promoting, of course, in the recent health care debate as well. 

“There is a $45 billion fund that is part of the Senate package that we voted on the other night that would provide states the funding to be able to continue what is already there, which is called the CURES Act, although it’s now going to be at a higher level. The $45 billion figure was derived because there is a good study out there in the Journal of American Medicine, done by researchers at Harvard and NYU, that says about $4.5 billion a year is used by Medicaid expansion for the treatment of opioids. In other words, that people who are addicted are getting treatment through the expansion. We want to ensure those people continue to get access to treatment, because the alternative is far worse, which is overcrowding the emergency rooms, and ending up overcrowding jails, and continuing to commit crimes that are associated with paying for the addiction habit, and not going to work, and not being able to achieve their God-given purpose in life. All of those are bad results.

“In a state like mine, where we probably have, sadly, over 200,000 people who are now addicted, we need to be sure we are getting people into treatment. We think that probably eight out of 10 people who should be in treatment are not in treatment. So there is, unfortunately, a situation where we have a higher demand than we have treatment facilities. We do not want to reduce that ability to have access to treatment. We want to get people into treatment long-term. The solution that was talked about a moment ago is prevention and education. We have to redouble our efforts there immediately. That really is something that has to happen, in my view, starting very young. I think it is a K-12 proposition. Then, continuing this effort, as Mothers Against Drunk Driving did, as we did with regard to smoking cessation, for everyone to  be able to understand the dangers of opioids, specifically the connection between prescription drugs, painkillers, and the opioid crisis. Because many people do not know that inadvertently, through an accident or injury, often get involved in taking pain medication that then causes an addiction, a physical change in their brain to become addicted. That is something we can certainly address directly through an aggressive public service campaign that is simply not being done now.

“You recall back in the 1980s, the big effort with regard to the anti-drug effort, it did have results. We did have a reduction at that time in the use of drugs. We need to get back to that again, in this case with regards to the opioid crisis: prescription drugs, heroin and then synthetic heroins like fentanyl that are sadly flooding into our country.”

Host: “Your colleagues on the Joint Economic Committee, the Democrats on that committee, have put together their analysis and they say the $45 billion that you have pushed for falls far short for all states, including for the state of Ohio. They say opioid treatment could reach $220 billion by 2026.”

Portman: “Well, $45 billion is a lot of money. It is historic and unprecedented. We have never tried something like this before. I am not sure what numbers they are talking about. I suppose they are saying that with regard to treatment across the board, that is true. But this is just an addition to treatment across the board. In other words it does not say there wouldn’t continue to be treatment, so I am not sure what number they are talking about. The $45 billion, if it were distributed to the states in the way the formula works under the CURES Act, which is the current law, which provides for $500 million a year instead of the $4.5 billion that’s being proposed, that formula would result in a state like Ohio for instance, because we’re one of the states unfortunately that’s hardest hit, receiving about $240—maybe $250 million—a year for this purpose. We have never had those kinds of funds before. Let’s be sure that we are using the money wisely. The one thing I think is really important is that when you have a program like this that you ensure the funds are being used in evidence-based programs, that we are not just throwing money after a problem, but that we are actually using it in a way that focuses on what works. And I mentioned earlier some things that work better than others, including this longer-term recovery reality out there that we spent three years researching before we came up with our Comprehensive Addiction and Recovery Act. We had five conferences here in Washington, we brought in experts from all over the country. What are the best practices, what is working in Maine, what’s working in California, what can be spread around the states? The funding is directed at those kind of purposes. We need to be careful here that we aren’t just coming up with new funding without the kind of evidence behind it and the kind of science behind it to know that it’s working—whether it is prevention, treatment, or recovery.

“This is a tough issue. It’s the number one cause of accidental death now, surpassing car accidents in my home state of Ohio. Most people think it is the number one cause of accidental death now in the country. We have a drug epidemic that is worse than we have ever had in the history of our country. 

“I have been involved in this issue for over 20 years. I started my own anti-drug coalition in Cincinnati, Ohio that’s still in existence, about 22 years ago. It has changed a lot since then. At that point, it was more focused on cocaine, more focused on marijuana, to a certain extent methamphetamine, because crystal meth is an issue as well. Then we saw the prescription drugs creeping into Ohio. That has translated now into this issue of opioids, which is prescription drugs and heroin, and now this new synthetic heroin. And frankly, in my home state, the biggest increase we see right now is the synthetic heroins: fentanyl, carfentanil, U-4. This comes in primarily by the U.S. mail system, primarily from labs in other countries, primarily China. I have legislation, called the STOP Act with Senator Klobuchar, bipartisan legislation, to at least require the post office to require that there be advance information as to where a package is coming from, what’s in it, where it is going, so law enforcement, who strongly supports our legislation, can identify these packages and keep some of this poison out. This current situation is really scary where people are getting fentanyl through the mail and distributing it and using it. Frankly, it is more deadly than heroin—probably 50 to 100 times stronger. It is resulting in not just more overdoses but more deaths per overdose. We have a real crisis on our hands.”

Host: “Given the crisis and the situation in your state, the fact that you have worked on this for so many years, if, in the end, there is only a skinny repeal if you will to vote on, that is it repeals the mandates on individuals and employers and takes away the taxes, if that is the final package that you get to vote on in the Senate and it does not include funding for the opioid crisis, will you vote for it?”

Portman: “We will see what is in the final package. I don’t know what’s in it. I’ve heard about four or five different descriptions. You just gave one that’s possible. The $45 billion is focused on those who would not continue to be covered under the Medicaid expansion. The skinny package you are talking about, of course, would not include dealing with Medicaid expansion. Some would argue that that would continue the coverage that’s out there now, and that that may be better. I do not think it is better for the country not to have a replacement for the Affordable Care Act. I do not think it is working for Ohio or our country. In terms of the Affordable Care Act, to back up on that, we now have 19 counties in my home state without an insurance company in the individual market. This is the exchange market. Another 27 counties with only one insurer. That is not competition. That is one reason prices have gone up dramatically in my state. About double for individuals, 82 percent for small businesses. This means higher premiums. But we also have skyrocketing deductibles. A lot of people who have health care tell me it is like they do not even have it because the deductible is so high. 

“These are issues that do have to be addressed. The package you just talked about in my view would not address those issues. They would leave a lot of people high and dry. I would hope we can do better than that, do more than that, and include the $45 billion we talked about. We will see what that package looks like. I think do think the Affordable Care Act, the status quo, is not sustainable. It is not working for Ohio. We need a replacement, not just a repeal, but a replacement that really works.”

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from Rob Portman http://www.portman.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/press-releases?ContentRecord_id=E12306DA-6E0F-4F13-A1F5-BA8A0B9FAACC