#like I couldn't even distract myself with a game it was SO fucking painful

[byanyan]

okay... i might be alive today? jaw pain had me genuinely down & fucking out yesterday, it was so bad. but i think?? (not to jinx it or anything ahdjgsg) i've finally managed to sleep it off (mostly).

gonna..... gonna see how things hold up. if i can get some writing (or messaging) done, i will, and if not...... i am thanking y'all for the four billionth time for ur understanding and patience ahfgsjj

[megxplryxb]

For you, I would ruin myself

Pairings: Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader, mentions of Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Allusions to cheating but not really, Mutual pining, Idiots in love, Love confessions, Angst, Heartbreak

Author's notes: Hi lovely people, I'm really sorry I haven't been around lately. Well, who am I kidding, I've been pretty MIA since March. The writers block was kicking my ass and the motivation just wasn't there but I've had so many ideas lately and this one was unfinished in my drafts for way too long so finally got around to completing it over the past few days. I'm not in love with the ending, but I do like that it's not the usual happy ending I always do. Please be kind, I'm a little rusty. x

Another Friday evening, another failed date, Steve thought to himself as he climbed into his BMW with a deflated sigh, leaning back against the headrest. He’d been on three dates in the past month and it was starting to feel a little mundane and pointless. Three different candidates, three different bouquets of flowers, three different venues but none of them had developed into anything further. He was completely used to the routine by now, picking them up from their house, paying for the meal or for the movie, making some awkward conversation before sharing a kiss that made him feel absolutely nothing inside. He’d tell the girl he was sorry, that he didn't see it going anywhere between them before offering her a ride home or pay for a cab and head back to his house alone.

It's not that the girls weren't pretty, or that their personalities were dull or that they’d done anything wrong necessarily. The issue was Steve and his lack of real interest in getting to know any of them romantically, 'cause there was someone else consuming his thoughts and he couldn't get her out of his fucking mind. He pressed his forehead to the steering wheel, cursing at himself for being so off of his game, for being so distracted by someone he knew he couldn't have. Steve used to be a pro at dating, he could get any girl he wanted, whenever he wanted just by clicking his damn fingers. But he wasn't that guy anymore and this time he couldn't get the girl either. The girl he really fucking wanted. Frustrated, he pulled out of the parking lot, turning up the radio before leaving Enzo's and another unsuccessful date in the rear view mirror.

He picked up a case of beer from the liquor store and contemplated going home to drown his sorrows alone. He thought about going to Robin's too but knew she'd chew him out for screwing up yet another date that she had to convince him to go on in the first place. He wasn't even sure his best friend would want to see him after their stupid argument in Family Video earlier, so he decided against the idea and kept on driving.

"Steve, you have to move on from this fixation you have with her. You and her are never gonna happen, it can't happen, you know that right?"

"Yeah I know Robin, alright? Jesus Christ, can you please stop talking about it?”

"Look, I'm sorry ok? I know I'm being a total pain in the ass but I'm just worried about you. I know how you get when you fall for someone and I don't want to see you get hurt or mess up a really good friendship because of–"

"I get it Robin, fuck, I'm trying to get over it, over her, I really am. I've distanced myself as much as I can without making it totally obvious that something’s up. What else do you want me to do, huh?"

"I don't know, Steve! I'm just trying to help. I'm trying to be your friend and make you see that this doesn't have a happy ending for you.”

“You don’t think I know how this ends for me? How it always ends? I’m well aware of how this goes Robin, so please just…don’t, ok?”

Steve felt horrible for fighting with Robin. He felt like shit for taking his frustrations out on her but she just wouldn't stop talking about the situation and the consequences he would face if he ever acted on his feelings. He already felt bad enough about it, he didn’t need her reminding him every five god damn minutes that he couldn’t have the thing he wanted the most. Of course, he'd apologise to her tomorrow with ice cream and chocolate along with the promise of being her personal chauffeur for the next month straight because deep down he knew she was right.

After a while of driving around, Steve found himself at the entrance of Forrest Hills trailer park. His fingers dancing on the steering wheel as he bit his lip, thinking about whether or not he should just keep going. Eddie had been on his ass lately about never seeing him, wondering if he'd done or said something to piss Steve off, trying to arrange a boys night so they could catch up but Steve kept putting him off until the metal head eventually quit asking. Christ, Munson wouldn’t want to hang out with him ever again if he knew the reason why Steve was avoiding him in the first place. But Robin was right, he had to get over it and cutting himself off from everyone wasn’t going to help anything.

"Fuck it." Steve muttered, as he drove through the gates and made his way into the trailer park, hoping he wouldn’t regret his decision later on, praying it wasn’t a total mistake coming here.

The gravel crunched under his tyres as the car came to a halt outside of Eddie's trailer just as the sun had finally set on the little town of Hawkins, Indiana. Switching off his ignition, he grabbed the case of beer before stepping out of the car, walking around to the back of the trailer but quickly noticing that neither Waynes car or Eddie’s van were anywhere to be found. He could however, see a flicker of light escaping through the curtains and hear the chorus of Shout by Tears for Fears coming from inside, causing his heart to beat a little faster, skin feeling a little hotter, cause he knew who was inside and he needed to get out of there immediately.

"Shit." Steve whispered, hurrying back to his car, placing the box of beer onto the passenger seat hoping his presence hadn't been noticed by the one person he had been trying so desperately hard to stay away from all this time. But the creak of the trailer door opening behind him told him he was already too late as he turned around to see you standing there, arms folded, head tilted, smiling at him.

"Hey stranger, long time no see."

Steve swallowed hard, instantly feeling more butterflies in his stomach just from seeing you for the first time in weeks than he had from any of his dates in the past month. He didn’t know how it was possible but he was certain you’d gotten even prettier in his absence. Your usual flowy hair clipped back into a messy bun, sun kissed legs on show in your tiny denim shorts, finished off by an oversized Metallica T-shirt that most definitely belonged to your boyfriend...To Eddie, one of Steve's best friend’s. The one and only reason he could never tell you how he really felt.

“Yeah, I guess it’s been a while, huh?” He chuckled nervously as you made your way down the steps, towards his car.

“A while? It’s been forever. I think I was even starting to miss you.” You tease, wrapping your arms around him, pulling him into the warmest of hugs. His whole body tenses with the feeling of you so close to him and he swore his heart stopped for a moment as he took in your scent. You were ice cream on hot summer days, cocoa on cold winter nights and everything he knew he could ever want or need.

It wasn’t unlike you to hug him, you’d always been affectionate and touchy but it felt different this time, like you needed it as much as he did. So he finally relaxed his body, allowing his arms to find their way around your waist, chin resting on your head, keeping you close for what felt like several minutes.

“Yeah, I missed you too.” So much, he thinks to himself as you eventually break apart.

“So, beer huh? I take it you were looking for Eddie?” You ask, noticing the box in Steve’s BMW.

“Uh, yeah…he’s been asking me to come hang out for a couple of weeks but I’ve just been super busy with work and stuff. Finally had some free time, so I thought I’d take him up on the offer before he completely disowned me.” Steve jokes as you let out a small laugh.

“Poor guys been like a lost puppy without you. Honestly, its getting embarrassing. I’m clearly not enough for him.” You sigh sarcastically as Steve shakes his head.

“I highly doubt that honey.” He replies truthfully, voice in the back of his mind screaming that you’d be enough for him. That you’ve always been enough for him.

You look away from him, placing a loose strand of hair behind your ear, hoping he hasn't caught the slight tint of pink creeping onto your cheeks with his tiny compliment.

“Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you but he’s playing with the band at the Hideout tonight.” You shrug, tugging on your bottom lip.

“That’s cool, I totally should have checked first anyway. I’ll catch him another time.” Steve replies, playing with his car keys.

“Y’know, Eddie’s not the only one who likes beer or do you just not want to hang out with me?” You smile, raising a brow and god he knows he’s in trouble. He knows he should shake his head, make up some excuse and run for the hills but he can’t. Not when you’re looking at him like that, like you want him to stay and fuck he really wants to.

“Of course I want to hang out with you, I just don’t want to be imposing.” He explains as you scoff.

“Imposing? Please, I could really do with a break, I’ve been cleaning this place all day for Wayne before he gets back into town tomorrow. Eddie’s a total pig, I swear he’s lucky he’s cute.” You laugh but Steve doesn’t really laugh with you. He hates that you think Eddie is cute, hates the way you say his name. Hates that he has no right to feel so jealous but he can’t help it. Because it was Steve’s own fucking fault for not telling you how he felt months ago, when he had a real chance to make you his before Eddie went and beat him to it.

“So, are you coming in or?” You ask, eyes wide as you start walking back towards the trailer.

This was Steve’s chance to run, to get into his car and go home like he’d originally planned to do. Why hadn’t he just done that in the first place? Why did he think coming to Eddie’s was such a good idea and how the fuck had he ended up alone with you? Robin would fucking kill him if she could see him now. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. You weren’t supposed to be here. You should have been working in the Hideout like you did every Friday night since you left Family Video and him behind all those months ago.

“Steve?” You call again when you don’t hear his footsteps following you.

“Huh? Oh, yeah sorry, I’ll just grab the beers.” He finally answers, smiling at you as you nod happily, heading back inside.

Steve curses at himself, knowing he couldn’t leave now, it’d be too obvious. You were his friend just as much as Eddie, the only problem was, he didn’t want Eddie like he wanted you.

When he finally joined you inside, you were rummaging through a drawer to find a bottle opener that Wayne kept in there for safe keeping. Steve tries to look anywhere but at you as his body stood stiff in the doorway while you made your way towards the couch, plonking your tired body down. He could tell you’d been cleaning all day, the trailer unrecognisable from the usual mess Eddie had it in. Fresh hoover lines apparent on the spotless carpet, laundry washed and folded, pillows puffed, trash emptied and the countertops cleared and wiped down. There was even a scent of lavender in the air, compared to the usual smell of motor oil and cigarettes.

“You can sit down you know?” You smirk as Steve smiles, shaking his head.

"Sorry, I was just momentarily distracted by the fact that I could actually see the floor in here for once.” He jokes, placing the alcohol on the side table as you giggle, feeling him slump down beside you, letting out a heavy breath.

“Hi.” Steve smiles, turning his head towards you, resting his eyes on your porcelain face. It’s unfair how good you look right now, so effortlessly beautiful with your hair up and no make up on. Christ, you could be on the cover of any magazine, he thinks to himself.

“Hi.” You smile back, nudging your knee with his playfully and Steve’s thankful you can’t hear how fast his heart is beating just from the slightest bit of contact.

“Beer?” He offers, ripping open the box to grab two bottles.

“Thought you’d never ask, Harrington.” You tease, taking one from his hand, passing him the bottle opener.

“Cheers.” He grins nervously, clinking his drink with yours before he takes a large swig.

Forty minutes pass and you're both already on your second drink, catching up and talking as if no time at all had gone by. It had always been that way between you both, effortless and easy and Steve knew it was dangerous territory. He so quickly forgot all of the reasons why he shouldn't be here with you right now when your leg was brushing against his own, your head thrown back in a fit of laughter as he recalled an embarrassing story about Keith from the previous week and Christ, he had missed your infectious laugh.

He had missed everything about you.

He couldn't remember the last time you two had been alone together, it had to have been a couple of months at least and it felt nice that he had you all to himself for a little while without any distractions. Some of his favourite times had been your shifts together at Family Video, making each other laugh non stop, discussing the latest gossip of the town while stacking the shelves, taste testing the new candy when Keith left early like he always did and making up little games to play on nights where the hours just seemed to drag. You brightened up the store every time you walked in, made work fun and bearable and he looked forward to any shift that he got to spend with you.

That was until you went and left of course.

Steve had been utterly devastated the day Robin told him you'd given your two weeks to Keith, confused as to why you hadn't told him yourself and a little hurt that he was the last to know. He remembers Eddie coming to pick you up on your last day, a shit eating grin on his face now that you were going to work at the Hideout, meaning he'd get to see his new girlfriend way more while Steve got to see you much less. He had to clench his fists as he watched you walk out the door with Eddie, forcing a smile as you looked over your shoulder, giving him one last look before waving goodbye with tears in your eyes. He wanted so badly for you to change your mind, wanted to beg you to reconsider but Robin reminded him that it was for the best, hoping it would give Steve the time he needed to get over you.

“Y’know I was really starting to worry about you, was even thinking about setting up a search party.” You giggle, taking Steve away from him thoughts as he rolls his eyes playfully.

“I’m flattered you were so concerned about me.”

“I’m serious! I kept asking Dustin about you but he said he hadn’t seen you much either.”

“Well if you hadn’t left Family Video to go work with your boyfriend, you’d still see me everyday.” Steve responds in a tone that’s half teasing/half bitter and he winces seeing how taken aback you are by his comment

“Eddie’s not the reason I left, Steve.” You reply, pressing the bottle to your lips. If only he knew the real reason.

“Oh come on, why else would you leave? I can’t imagine it was for the scenic views or massive wage increase.” He scoffs sarcastically as you avoid his gaze.

“It was just time for me to move on.” You shrug, tugging on your bottom lip, wishing he would drop this topic.

“What do you mean? I thought you liked working at the Video store?” He quizzes, confused by your answer.

“I did, I loved it there but I just needed a change.”

“But that doesn’t make any—”

“Steve, can we please drop it?” You beg, your lips turning downward in a frown as you fidget with the hem of your boyfriends t-shirt.

“Yeah—yeah sure, sorry. I didn’t mean to be an asshole about it, it’s just that…I miss you. I mean, we miss you, Robin and I.” He swallows hard as you smile at him, your cheeks turning hot at his words.

“I miss you too, Steve. Both of you.” You reveal before a silence falls over the room for a moment.

"Are you hungry? You wanna order a pizza or I’m pretty sure there’s potato chips in the cupboard if you want some? You ask, finally easing the tension between you.

"I'm good. I had dinner in Enzo's a while ago.” Steve mumbles.

"Ah, I thought you were a little too dressed up just to come here and get drunk with Eddie. Were you on a date or something?" You question, raising your brows suspiciously at him, trying to ignore the knot forming in your stomach.

"Third one this month." He sighs, taking another sip of beer, completely missing the subtle hint of jealousy that flashes across your face momentarily.

"Wow, three dates huh? You must really like her." You force a smile, taking a drink from your own bottle as he huffs and shakes his head.

"Oh, it wasn't with the same girl. I meant three different dates, all equally terrible though." Steve confesses, a heavy sigh escaping his lips and you hate the relief you feel when you hear him say it.

"You really have been busy, no wonder we haven’t seen you lately." You say sarcastically as Steve remains silent, trying to hold himself back from saying everything he wanted to. He wants to tell you the reason you haven’t seen him is because he’s terrified of his feelings for you. That the reason he's going on so many dates is so he can try and move on from you. He wants to tell you that he’s terrified of ruining his friendships because he can’t stop thinking about you, that he can't stand seeing you with Eddie, because every time he sees his friend kiss you, he wants to punch his lights out, ‘cause you're supposed to be his girl. But he's too fucking late. He missed his chance with you and it's something he's going to have to live with for the rest of his life.

“So, what was so terrible about them?" You ask, turning to face him as he sits back trying to think of how best to answer that question. The only real answer he has to give is that they weren't you and nothing after that really mattered. He plays with the paper wrapped around his bottle, tearing it off bit by bit as you burn a hole through his head, waiting for a response. He's too afraid to look at you, terrified that if he does, it'll give him away and you'll figure it out for yourself, that he's completely and utterly head over heels in love with you.

"I uh, I guess none of them were really for me." He shrugs, keeping his eyes on the carpet below as you gaze at your friend sympathetically, knowing that feeling all too well.

"I'm sure you'll know the one when she comes along, Steve." You reassure, placing your hand on his knee as he lets out a dry laugh.

"I did." He mutters, taking the last sip from the bottle as you stare at him.

"What do you mean you did?" You question, tilting your head as his eyes widen in panic. Shit. He didn't mean for you to hear that, didn't mean to say it out loud. Had the two beers already gone to his fucking head?

"I– I just meant..." He pauses for a moment to look at you, really look at you as he thinks about what to say next. How does he get himself out of this? Should he just tell you the truth? Was now the right time to say it? Was being here alone with you a sign that he should just come out and tell you how he feels? Was it worth taking that risk?

"You're talking about Nancy, right?" You frown, releasing a heavy sigh as he contemplates how to respond. His stomach is sick that you think he still cares for Nancy in that way, he hasn't given her a second thought since you came along and took his breath away but maybe it was better for you to think that instead of him ruining his friendship with you, instead of ruining his friendship with Eddie. Because after all, he'd rather have you in his life as a friend than not have you in it at all. That would truly kill him.

"Yeah, I...I'm talking about Nancy." He lies and your heart sinks all over again.

Of course he's talking about Nancy. Robin had told you all about the girl Steve had been in love with for years during your first shift alone with her at Family Video. How she was the only girl he'd ever loved, how he'd changed his ways for her in High School and how he still wanted a whole brood of mini Harrington's with her even though she’d broken his heart. When you eventually did meet Nancy though, you fully understood what he saw in her. She was beautiful, smart and perfect, everything a guy like Steve Harrington could ever want.

Everything you felt you weren’t.

“Steve, if it’s Nancy you really want, maybe it’s time to just be honest with her?” You suggest, trying to stop yourself from falling to pieces in front of him.

Steve finally lifts his head to lock eyes with yours, your words starting to replay in his mind “maybe it’s time to just be honest with her.”

“How can I tell her how I feel when she’s with somebody else?” He asks, his stomach in knots, his insides twisting as he watches you chew on your bottom lip.

“That doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the same way about you, maybe she’s just really good at hiding it.” You shrug defeated, as he tries to read your face for an answer to a question that’s kept him up late at night. Could it be possible that you have feelings for him too? That you’ve been just as good at hiding them as he has? Maybe even better?

“You…you think she could feel the same way about me?” He asks, finally sitting up, turning towards you fully.

“I guess there’s really only one way to find out.” You reply, forcing a smile, hoping you don’t look too devastated as you stand up to collect the empty bottles from the coffee table. Needing to remove yourself from this conversation fast.

Just as you reach out to grab the first one, you feel Steve’s warm hand softly wrap around yours, holding you in place as he stares at you petrified.

“Steve, what—”

“It’s not Nancy.” He interrupts, a total look of despair on his face as he takes a deep breath. You’re eyeing him in utter confusion as you take a seat beside him again.

“What do you mean it’s not Nancy? I don’t under—”

“I’m in love with you.” He finally confesses, the words falling from his mouth too fast for him to catch, to hold back and bury deep beneath the surface again and for the first time in months he feels like he can finally breathe again. Unfortunately for Steve, the relief only lasts a couple of seconds as panic sets in and he realises that he's just confessed to loving his best friend's girlfriend.

He’s too afraid to look at your face, terrified of what your reaction will be, so instead, he keeps his eyes glued to the floor, ashamed of himself for putting you in this predicament. He's completely fucked everything up.

“I'm sorry, please don't hate me. The last thing I intended to do tonight was tell you that I love you. Fuck, I didn't even think you'd be here, you weren't supposed to be here! I've just been trying to stay away from you hoping that these stupid feelings would just go away you know? But it's been so hard and I missed you and then I show up here looking for Eddie but then I see you after so long and I just couldn't keep it in any longer, it's been killing me for months." Steve rambles, placing his hands over his face as you sit frozen in silence.

"I think it's probably for the best if I go." He says, standing up to leave you alone, grabbing his keys from the countertop.

"So you just drop a bomb on me like that and think you just get to walk away?" You say, finally finding your voice, rising to your feet.

"I just thought maybe you'd want some space or maybe you'd never want to see me again." Steve shrugs. noticing the utter shock on your face.

"We live in Hawkins Steve, we have the same friends. I don't think never seeing each other again is a realistic option." You state, trying to take everything in. Steve lets out a sigh of relief, happy you haven't immediately jumped to cutting him out of your life yet.

"You said it's been killing you for months, how long is that exactly?" You question, suddenly finding it very hard to breathe. It's an easy answer for Steve as he knows the very moment he fell in love with you.

“Do you remember the day that really nice old man came into the store looking for a copy of Casablanca?" He asks as you nod your head, recalling it instantly. It's something you'd never forget.

The man had come in on an unusually rainy day in the hopes of renting the movie he and his wife had watched together every year on the day of their wedding anniversary. He told you both of his wife's recent passing after a lengthy battle with an illness and how he had decided to bury their copy of the movie with her, so she could still watch it with him wherever she was.

"You took him for coffee on your lunch break that day knowing he was all alone while I looked for the movie in the back. You let him cry and talk about his wife even though you didn't know her. You gave him the time of day that no one else would have and when I found the movie, you told him to keep it and you took a twenty from your own purse to cover the cost. You told him you hoped one day you'd know a love like theirs and I remember thinking... fuck I'm so in love with that girl." Steve smiles, eyes glassy as you too have to wipe away the tears that had fallen down your cheeks.

"He still comes in you know? Asks about you all the time, wonders if I ever made a move. Called me a dumbass when I told him I missed my chance." He jokes, trying to make you smile but somehow the whole thing makes you angry.

"If you felt that way about me then, why didn't you tell me? That was months before I was even with Eddie, Steve!" You challenge, folding your arms as Steve runs a hand through his hair.

"I don't know, the timing just never seemed to be right."

"Oh please, we only worked together almost every day for over a year, we hung out almost every single night." You scoffed, rolling your eyes.

"Well yeah but we were never really alone together. There was always someone else around, Keith, Robin, the kids, Eddie..."

"Come on Steve, those are bullshit excuses and you know it!" You argue as he shakes his head.

"It's not like it matters anyway, I mean, it's not like you felt the same way or anything!" He fights back as you stand silent, hand over your mouth, eyes on the floor.

That's when the penny finally drops for Steve.

"Shit, you did feel the same didn't you? You had feelings for me?" He questions softly as you wrap your arms around yourself, nodding a yes. He's been so blind, so stupid. How didn't he see this? How did you hide it so well?

"It's hardly that shocking, is it? I mean you're Steve Harrington, girls have been falling in love with you your whole life." You joke as Steve remains silent. "I didn't want to like you. Christ, when I started working at Family Video I expected to hate you but you weren't what I thought you'd be. You were funny and kind and caring and god, I saw how those kids worshipped you. It was only a matter of time really." You admitted. " There were times that I thought, 'maybe he likes me too' you know? But then Robin told me all about Nancy, how much you loved her, how you'd changed for her and I thought it was game over for me. She was just so perfect, I mean, how could I ever compete with someone like her?"

"There would never have been a contest, it would have been you every single time." Steve whispers, wanting to reach out for you.

"That's why you left Family Video isn't it? Cause you thought I still loved Nancy?" He asks as you nod again.

"I had to try to get over you."

"Did it work?"

"It doesn't matter Steve." You brush off the question, trying to walk away but he catches your hand gently.

"It matters to me."

"I'm with Eddie now. How I feel about you isn't going to change that." You state as Steve heavily accepts your words, however crushing they might be. He would always respect your decision, caring too much about you and Eddie to deliberately ruin your relationship.

"But if you weren't, and I had asked you out back then, would we be together now?" He asks, wiping the tears from your face. You already know the answer in your heart and you know Steve does too.

"Yeah, I think we would be. I know we would be." You assert as a single tear falls down his cheek. "But I can't do that to Eddie, I can't leave him."

"And I would never ask you to, honey. Fuck, I really messed this up." He sniffs as you shake your head. "We both did, Steve." You cry as he holds you close for several minutes.

"I better get going, I'm sure Munson will be home soon." He sighs, reluctantly letting you go, wishing he could keep you in his arms forever. He once again grabs his keys and heads for the front door as you follow close behind.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

"I do by the way, I do still love–" He cuts you off, pressing his lips lightly to yours for a brief moment before pulling away when he feels you kiss back, knowing if he'd waited a second longer, Eddie would arrive home to his best friend making love to his girlfriend.

"Please don't say it." Steve begs closing his eyes. "I'm trying to do the right thing here and walk away, if I hear you say that, I don't think I'll be able to leave without you." He whispers as you cup his face.

"Then you better go now because if you kiss me again, I don't think i'll have the strength to stop myself from going with you." You cry as he nods, exiting the trailer, walking back to his car, giving you one last look as he opens the BMW door. He smiles at you through glassy eyes, both of your hearts breaking as you wonder what could have been. Where does your friendship go from here? How are you supposed to forget about this night? How do you pretend that you aren't utterly and completely in love with each other?

"Goodnight honey."

"Goodnight Steve."

[cherrychilli]

Slip of the Tongue

A mini series I 18+ I Enemies to lovers

Chapter one

Eddie Munson, AFAB reader, neighbor! reader.

Reader and Eddie are the same age - she's in College and he's repeating his senior year once again.

Chapter Summary: You discover that Eddie's been practicing a very interesting new trick on his guitar, one which he offers to use on you under the guise of giving you some much needed stress relief.

A/N: Listen, series scare the shit out of me but I'm trying to challenge myself with a tiny one. I kind of already feel like I'm biting off more than I can chew but I'm going to give it my best shot.

Inspired by those clips of Steve Vai and Jimi Hendrix. ifkyk.

Chapter warnings: Nothing explicit this chapter. Some suggestive stuff but the real smut begins next chapter, so if you want more you better let me know!

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

He's doing it again. Of course he's doing it again.

You tilt your head forward, forehead dropping into your hands. Heatedly, you mutter your annoyance under your breath, thumbs rubbing at throbbing temples and eyes squeezing shut when the music picks up to an ear ringing volume.

Eddie Munson took sick pleasure in riling you up – you were certain of that given how he only ever seemed to plug in his guitar when it was time for you to study your coursework, wrecking your concentration and making your temper skyrocket with a kind of ease only he was capable of.

For years, you’d taken issue with the fact that your trailer neighbored his own, your bedroom becoming an echo chamber for every blaring chord progression and heavily distorted guitar riff that strummed out from Eddie's open window.

And as always, you felt the need to make your displeasure known.

Abandoning your textbooks, you hastily shove your shoes on to stomp over next door. You knew from painful experience that it was best to head behind the Munson’s trailer and approach Eddie’s bedroom window than to pound on the front door, the sound of his playing almost always too loud for him to notice your knocking.

Trampling over the patchy, dry lawn that lay between your homes, you made your way across, rounding the corner and striding up to the open window, fuming with thoughts of what you’d yell at him this time when you caught sight of the metalhead.

As expected, he's rocking out in the center of his unruly bedroom. No doubt having tuned the rest of the world out, channeling so much of his wild, boundless energy into his playing.

His mop of dark messy curls aren't tied back today, allowed to sway, tumble and whip around his face as he played to an audience of some devilish looking posters and a couple figurines that stood on his crowded desk, probably a part of that fantasy game he's always going on about.

He's dressed in grey sweats that hang low around his hips and a ratty old band tee that tended to ride up, you couldn't help but notice.

‘At least he’s got clothes on today’, you thought to yourself mirthlessly, only a touch thankful for the silver lining of not having to confront him while he's shirtless or in his boxers again. Not that he’d ever minded you seeing him like that before.

Your last encounter with Eddie was one you hoped to soon forget, cringing because he'd caught your gaze wandering when you came over to reprimand him for the noise again, becoming noticeably distracted by his bare chest and the tattoos adorning it.

You don't know how it happened, only that you fell into a sort of daze when your eyes slipped lower to follow the slope of his pale tummy, leading to the sparse trail of dark hair which thickened below his belly button and disappeared underneath the waistband of his boxers.

D'you want a picture or something, darling?, he'd quipped, growing even more pleased with himself when your face turned hot and the embarrassment of getting caught had you stuttering out the first thing you could manage.

"F-fuck off, Munson", you spit back and retreated awkwardly, the sound of his barking laughter as you did so ringing in your ears long after you made it back into your room and hid underneath your blankets for a good hour.

Yeah, that was hard to live down. As was trying to expunge the image of Eddie's unclothed torso from your mind.

Most times he could anticipate your arrival, like a lightning storm only he could forecast but this time he hasn’t seemed to noticed you yet, tongue pinched between his lips in concentration while his fingers travelled skillfully over the ebony fretboard of his guitar.

Watching him play like that sometimes made you think that if he hadn't plagued you for half your life with all of his antics, you might have admitted that he was good musician - that he had talent most people didn't care to acknowledge and maybe even go so far as to say that you found it impressive that he’d managed teach himself how to play in lieu of any lessons.

But you weren’t about to sing Eddie Munson's praises. Not when he was seconds away from making you pop a vein.

Taking a deep breath in, you prepared yourself to start the unpleasant cycle of bickering with your neighbor once again, hoping against hope that, at the very least, it'll be a short exchange this time.

“Ed-"

You meant to catch his attention with a single shout but the heated call flattens on your tongue in an instant, heart beat kicking up as you watch what he does next.

He lifts his treasured Warlock and you're half afraid for him when he casually flips the front of the instrument towards his face, its angular design and jagged edges enough to worry you even when he played on it the regular way.

But it's when his tongue stretches out, long and slick like a serpent, that things start to feel...hazy. Speechlessly, you stare as he slides it along one of the guitar's six strings, following the length of it from near the bottom of the fretboard while his left hand continued to flit over the strings by the neck, creating harmonics in a way you’d never thought was possible before.

Are my palms sweating?

The sound begins to shift again and your eyes bulge when he slides his tongue back down, flicking and picking the guitar strings by the tip of it with more speed and dexterity than you'd thought was possible, his fingers continuing to move seamlessly to hold down every note.

Eyes closed (and there was no chance of you letting that happen) there was no way you could've told the difference than if he’d been playing with his fingers all along, the sound just as sharp and crisp as as every time before.

It's filthy, bordering on vulgar the way he’s moving the silky pink muscle so expertly, so much so that it makes you feel like you're intruding, peeping in on something that only happened behind closed doors.

But that gnawing feeling isn't anywhere near enough to make you stop looking. Your gaze stays planted firmly on Eddie's mouth, the sight making your head crowd with static and your belly swirl with heat. Your thighs had been clamped together too, you realize, a sickening realization dawning over you when they rub together, registering the dampness pooling between them underneath your skirt.

Oh my god…am I w-?

And just as abruptly as the realization had sunk in, the song ends. Deafening silence returns to your shared corner of the trailer park when Eddie sets the guitar back down to hang by the strap fixed over his shoulder, eyes flicking to you as if he'd known all along that you'd been standing there, gawking at him.

"So, what do you think? pretty good, right? been working on it for weeks", he pants out, chest rising and falling softly with each labored breath.

Somehow, this feels so much worse than when he caught you staring the last time.

With luck, you're able to shake yourself out of your trance like state, round eyes narrowing in preparation to berate him as originally intended

"Fucking hell, Eddie would you keep it down? I'm trying to study!", you agonize, scrambling to find your fury again.

But your tone doesn’t seem to bother him, it rarely ever did. So he leans through the open window, elbows resting on the window pane, eyeing you up and down all amused.

"You look stressed", he observes, and it's the flippant way in which he does it that ticks you off, with the kind of lopsided smile you’d often described as annoying. For the most part because he’d almost always done something to that effect before flashing you one.

"I am", you confirm with an acidic glare, hoping he couldn't tell how frazzled his little performance had left you.

"And you're not helping so knock it off"

Turning on your heel, you're desperate to retreat back to your place for a reprieve, heart hammering inside your chest when he calls out to you again.

"I could help you relax, y'know"

The way he says it makes you pause, like he's about to let you in on a secret.

Your skin prickles with goosebumps. "I'm not buying weed from you Eddie", you answer back over your shoulder, trying to look unimpressed as you attempt to turn him down.

"I wouldn't charge", the boy winks at you without missing a beat, undeterred by your cold attitude and you hate that his persistence makes your face feel hot.

"But that's not what I was going to suggest"

"Oh?"

You turn around to face him again, intrigue building.

He takes a moment to scan you thoughtfully, brows furrowing, almost as if he's weighing the outcomes of what might happen if he were to continue.

"You liked what you saw, right?", his brown eyes flicked down to his guitar and back up to you in quick reference to what you were hoping to avoid.

The mention of what you'd witnessed him doing with his tongue brings that hot, sticky feeling sitting at the base of your stomach back in full force, alarm bells ringing in your head.

"What does that have to do with anything?", you ask cautiously, realizing a second too late that you’ve only confirmed his suspicion.

"Well..."

Eddie curls a finger up at you, rings glinting in the sunlight, beckoning you closer and for some reason you actually oblige, stepping up to his window until you’re only a foot apart from one another.

Low and throaty, he whispers to you. "I can do a lot more with my tongue than just shred on my guitar", flicking the muscle salaciously between his lips like a viper ready to strike.

It should revolt you, watching the crude gesture courtesy of the bane next door, the implication behind it enough to make your skin crawl.

So why doesn't it?

Why does it make you want to leap at him and close the distance between the two of you, hungry to feel his tongue against your own?

"You're disgusting", you tell him instead in an attempt to deflect, voice wavering through the lie.

But he's too astute to be fooled now. "And you like it", he counters easily.

"So are you going to cut the bullshit and climb in here or what?"

You stare at the hand he holds out to you and before you can think to just walk away, before you can pull yourself together and stifle the roaring fire inside lapping at your bones, your fingers have found their way to his.

[flowershines]

Aching Touch

Bf Sunghoon x F. Reader (smut)

summary: character has been out doing something for a couple of months and as soon as he sees the reader again he is brought with joy and wanting more. (touch starved)

warnings: smut, touch starved (m), mention of nudes, unprotected sex, nicknames, switch Sunghoon, not proof read, Jake gets hard to reader

Going on a trip with your family was the most funnest thing you have done in a while, actually spending time with your family and not being attached ot Sunghoon’s side 24/7 was nice. Don’t get me wrong you both loved each other very much and made it known in various ways but sometimes you both need a break from each other. But this break was too long, a month.

A month without seeing you boyfriend was very hard and painful the bed always felt empty you had a hard time falling asleep as he would usually talk about his day and rub your back till you fell asleep, along with you couldn't wear any of his clothes and during the winter in New York was the coldest you think you have ever been, your family visited New York very rarely they usually always invited you but most of the time you were busy but this time you arranges everything so that way you would be able to go this year.

You always texted Sunghoon everyday along with sometimes a facetime or call, one time you were at the bar with your cousin and Sunghoon had called you as you were ordering your drink, you could barely hear a word he was saying so you stepped aside by the bathrooms, talking about each other's day moans and groans were heard from the bathrooms not even a minute later a drunken couple comes out of the bathroom all giggly and stumbling over each step they take, rolling your eyes you continued talking with him on the phone.

Damn, you missed the way he would fuck you.

Another time when you were on the phone with him he was playing a video game and complaining how Jake and Niki were teaming up on him and killing him, you could hear him whining from being killed behind the screen. He then started breathing heavily and he would gasp every so lightly into the speaker of the phone, which would proceed to him screaming on how he died, you missed the way he would sound like that while fucking you.

You were wondering if you were the only one thinking of these things about your boyfriend. You knew you were not because your boyfriend was the king of neediness, he would whine when you didn't give him attention, beg you to make him food for him, and others. He would always get treated like a princess.

Today you had facetimed him as soon as you got out of the shower your hair was still soaking wet but this would be the only time you would be able to call him as your schedule for today was packed and you were getting ready so i thought, why not call my boyfriend while i'm doing everything instead of just listening to music.

Seeing the screen say connecting you were not expecting to see him undoing his belt and to be met with his dick being very prominent through his jeans, being so taken aback you just stared at the camera not saying anything meanwhile your boyfriend was loving the reaction you were giving him. He thought if you missed him so much he had to give you a reason to make you change your mind and book a flight back to Korea to see him now.

Sunghoon’s POV:

Staring at pictures of my girlfriend isn't doing much for me, I miss her so much I kept trying to entertain myself with things around the dorm and play video games against the members even though everything I ended up losing was a good distraction to keep my mind off of Y/n.

Everytime she called or I called her it just made me miss her even more. This month has felt like hell the next time she tries to leave me for some trip for this long. I'm either going with her or she's not going because I even know that she hates this as well.

The only things i could think about was her and her body…

her lips…

her touch…

her pussy.

Laying my head on my pillow I fan my fingers through my hair as my cock twitched against my pants from anticipation of her touching me, ever since she left, I haven’t been able to cum. My hand just doesn’t compare to her touch anymore, and she knows that.

Like just last week I was at practice with the members when I got a text, hearing the personalized ringtone I knew it was Y/n. Pausing what I was doing and going to my phone, Jake wanted for me to say ‘hi’ to her as well as he came to my bag with me. Grabbing my phone saw that she sent a picture opening it from the lock screen I was looking at a video of her touching herself, Jake still looking at my shoulder pissed me off because he was looking at what was mine not to mention him clearly enjoying watching it too.

His eyes were wide turning to the side to see him he had a raging boner through his sweatpants, “I’m sorry Hoon, i didn’t know you guys were doing that and i just don’t want you to think-” he rabbled trying to explain himself I just looked that him and told him, “Jake it’s ok it wasn’t your fault i didn’t even know she was going to send me something like that.” His gaze softened as he knew he wasn’t going to be in trouble with me. I knew it was either of our faults as we had no idea that was going to meet with our gaze.

Putting my phone back in my bag I hoped that nobody would pay attention to the hard state i was in, Jake on the other hand ended up going to the bathrooms. I knew nothing would happen even if i tried so I just didn’t bother till in the middle of dancing to ‘Still Monster’ and my cock kept pulsing through my sweats, I had to excuse myself grabbing my phone and swiftly walked towards the bathrooms.

I pulled my sweatpants just low enough for my dick to shoot right up twitching from the cold air hitting it, I just looked at it wondering if I should even try to do something, till i was pulled out of my thoughts as it twitched slapping against my lower stomach. Slowly wrapping my dominant hand around it, wincing from the sudden sensation I pulled out my phone and pulled up the messages with Y/n.

Putting my phone back in my sweatpants pocket i looked at it annoyed, nothing I do is going to work. Walking out of the stall and going back into the practice room grabbing my bag telling the members that I didn’t feel well and was heading back to the dorms.

The dorms and the practice room were not that far as walking would be easier than getting a car to drive me there would be more work than needed, grabbing my sweatshirt I put it on, opening the door and heading out of hype’s building the whole walk I could keep my mind off of Y/n’s pussy and her body. She usually drives me crazy a lot but not this much being this far from her. I couldn't help it though, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket. I picked it up while looking at the lock screen.

Taking my shoes off at the door at our dorms I headed to my dorm room, walking through the empty halls the ache between my legs had gotten worse from the anticipation as I knew Y/n was not that far away. My heart started to beat faster by the minute just like how it did the first time that i had ever laid my eyes on her and just like the first time me and her ever had sex.

I lowered my pants down past my groan and started to run my finger along the tip spreading around the pre cum that was leaking from the tip.

3rd person POV:

Stepping out of the car as the driver had opened up the trunk for you to get your things he had helped you and brought them to the door, taking out your wallet you paid him then proceeded to enter your boyfriend’s dorm building. Taking off your shoes at the door and placing them next to his, the only pear of shoes there was his along with the members slippers that some of them would wear around the house.

Placing your purse on the counter you heard as agitated groan coming from down the hall to where your boyfriend’s room is, bringing your suitcase right behind you slowly opening the door just a crack you see your boyfriend with his plants just below his dick as his fingers ran across the veins. Clearing your throat a bit so that he notices that you were standing before him which made him look up with pleading eyes and stare at you as you walked over to him his arms opening up waiting for you to complete his hug.

He pulled you onto the bed with him laying on top of him as he rolled more towards the other side pulling you into his lap, you feel his hard dick rubbing up against your pussy. You couldn’t get enough of the stimulation as you continued to grind on him harder than before earning a shaky breath come from his mouth turning away from your face trying to see what you were doing.

He started to squirm underneath you but couldn’t keep his hands off of you at the same time, he wanted you so bad he couldn’t take it anymore. Leaving a train of kisses along your collarbone along with on your neck as well which resulted in him leaving a hickey just a centimeter away from you necklace that he had given you on your anniversary.

His hands made their way down to your ass as he ran his fingers along making shapes while his other hand made its way to your waistband of your skirt, he grabbed your cheeks with one hand and made you look at him in the eyes just before he placed his lips onto yours you could feel his desperation lingering on his lips. His fingers grazed along on your hair one of his fingers pushing your hair that had been covering your face to the side and putting it behind your ear proceeding to place his hand cupping your cheek.

Your hands made their way in between the two of you as you started to jerk him off and rubbing his tip along your clit, earning a moan from you both, his free hand moved from resting on you ass down to your panties sliding them over to the side and entering his middle finger into you. A moan escaped your mouth which gave him the chance to slide his tongue into your mouth as the fight for dominance was gone, he whispered sweet encouraging words into your ears the desperation and need was heard in every word he spoke.

“Please Y/n, been needing you so bad.” He mumbled as his mouth was occupied by already kissing your neck, “Do what you want to me.” you didn’t have to tell him twice his eyes widen at your choice of vulgar words. He moved your hand that was on his dick and moved it to placing it on his arm, he wrapped his hand around his cock and placed the tip directly at your entrance he looked up at you meeting your gaze. It was his way of asking for permission, you nodded your head already knowing what he was meaning but without speaking a word to one another.

Slowly entering you he huffed out slightly as his breath started to become more jagged, the lower you sank down on his cock the more impatient he became. His hips started to fuck up into you hitting all of the rights spots, his hands rested on you hips moving you up and down on him. Whines were heard which lightly fell from his lips his head was thrown back onto the pillow meanwhile his eyes were rolled back, his hands moving up to your boobs then moving back down to your waist then back then to your hips and occasionally would move down to your clit.

His hips kept shuttering while getting more sloppy and aggressive words of encouragement tickled your ears as they fell from his lips his lips trailing kisses and hickeys along your neck, “Baby i don’t know how much longer i can take, you feel so good.” He looked at you with doe eyes, “Let it out baby.” he looked displeased “But what about you?” “What about me?” he kissed your cheek and replied saying “You didn’t get to cum yet though.” you giggled “It wasn’t about me though i just wanted to make you feel good, baby.” “But what about-” you cut him off by kissing him on the lips to stop him from talking, “I’m fine Hoonie.” “Then next time it’s all about you.” you nodded speeding up your pace as his thrusts became more powerful and stronger.

“I’m gonna- gon-” his words fell from his lips as his teeth chattered from the powerful sensation. The next thing you know his load was shooting up into you as his moans sounded like music to your ears, your favorite moans he would make was when he came. “Enjoy yourself?” “With you? Always.” He kissed your temple and pushed you back into the bed by his side putting himself back into his pants and cleaning you up, as he came back from the bathroom he grabbed you a blanket as you both fell asleep in each others arms.

[tamrielf]

ppl keep asking me why i havent been posting a lot and its because ive been in extreme withdrawal from serious opiates for a MONTH now. i take 3 8mg strips of suboxone daily. and when i dont take 1 of them i get sick within a few hours. its now been a fucking month.

i lost my insurance without my knowledge and upon finding out, i had to pay for my medicine out of pocket until it was fixed. and because of the extreme withdrawal i missed a few appointments telling them i was in so much physical pain i couldn't drive. and so i was booted from that office and now i am awaiting getting into a clinic specifically for suboxone that is within walking distance.

i honestly don't know how ive managed to make it this long without my medication. and ive been on suboxone for years so i know its going to get worse. it HAS been getting worse each day. i have to get back on it in order to taper off of the drug completely.

anyone else i know probably would have relapsed on heroin by now. (that was the drug i got clean from). and i have been tempted to just do it to end the suffering im in.

words cannot even describe the amount of pain and torture i am feeling. i only have another week left until i get into this clinic. they said they will call if an opening is available but there is such a long wait list because i live in a city that has a realllyyy bad opiate problem.

i think ive only made it this long because of my kids and the fact that i refuse to throw away 5 years of sobriety because my insurance company failed to notify me that i needed to re-apply for insurance.

the pain is fucking excruciating and everything in me is telling me i cant go much longer without using something to make it stop. its messing with my head. and its not like before when i was homeless and addicted to heroin. i always have money on me. i live in a bad neighborhood where dealers are all around me. im doing my best to try to distract myself with video games. i am literally so sick i can barely even move. thank god i have ppl here to help me but even they can see that im starting to lose it mentally 😭😭😭😭😭

and before anyone tells me i should just rough it and not get back on suboxone:

suboxone withdrawal can last for months. ive already been off of it for a month and its only gotten worse not better. and i have been on suboxone since i was 19. im 27 now. so i would probably be looking at many months of torturous withdrawal. the only way i can actually get clean from suboxone is by tapering off of it little by little, which i was waiting to do because i have a toddler to take care of and tapering off of it is hell too.

[no-ones-sunshine]

(Ooc)

It was kind of like going to a new place during my 11-14 year old era, playing that game where people ONLY focused on me, and had you guys but a lot more were actually evil, and the roleplay happened in real life- so not rp.

It started in a new house where I'm sure I stole it from someone else because it was beautiful and full of items, but I don't remember moving stuff in so. After babysitting 3 cats(Cookie and Greg's 2 cats), I started to work on a cat room they can all play in while texting you guys like friends in a group chat. I have no memory of what was being said, but I remember being happy to talk to you all and it was a little chaotic cus there was so many people online at once. A couple started asking why I was so quiet, so I texted what was going on, but I think my text actually sent something that felt concerning. I know it was yet don't remember.

Then my grandma came around and started shopping with me as the house morphed into a store. That's when I felt a bit of fear because of my dad possibly showing up again after years from that attempted kidnapping and grooming me. Then I phased through a wall only to check behind me and find the store gone, and I was in my hometown. I had a feeling that someone I knew was there from the groupchats so I started searching with people not being realistic (i.e. swallowing air until they puff up like a frog and squish on the ground, wearing knives through their flesh like extendo-weapons, or having very very long legs).

I kept running around until meeting maybe one of your vampire characters and he said he was waiting for me(I believe at this point I was a fusion of Miki and Night, my first character that is just me). He took me off to a school but it did not have that function at all and there was possibly a pizza party which I could hardly tell because I also saw a forest created with visuals of gore and static. I saw more of characters like yours with Kris, Fukuzawa (different design), and maybe Fyodor? While you guys had a party, I had a Miki moment where I couldn't see what was happening but I saw so many demons made out of those trees I saw, like a Van Gogh painting of malformed pain.

Then it somehow rained and washed all of you away where I felt myself standing in the house I started with. My step-nephew was there and he was still 9 so I had to babysit him along with everything else which wasn't so bad especially now that I was even bigger still to overpower him if he still acted like a witch over nothing. Then I got a call from a character who I can only describe as Taneda to find them, and another voice saying "Good job good job good job". Nonstop.

And so I ran off, I saw past locations my dreams had like a giant field you'd see in a 70s movie about the army. Empty too, where I once drove off the side and fucked up a semi-truck chasing me to the school. Then there were these roads from a field trip nightmare that I had to escape a murderer that was on the bus with me, on a farm. Finally the last place I clearly remember was this trailer park that I dreamt burnt down after a flood where the grown up versions of these kids that assaulted me irl died. The place I stopped at was in the town again and I stopped not cus I arrived to the needed location, but I heard a voice. I don't remember much audio in my dreams, I actually see a lot of speech in text, when it's kind enough to show me that.

The voice called me over to get me to be distracted, which I already was because for some reason I was thinking of these aesthetic pictures of abandoned playgrounds and fields with fairgrounds rusted and grainy. I still came over to what looked like a vampire/evil scientist/lonely poet/evil demon king's house. The second I entered this walkway with dog statues on either side, I felt I couldn't stand, walk, nor make a noise. My head stayed low while laying on my side and I heard the voice or my brain said I did again. He said something like how naive I was or some generic thing I was blamed and coddled for when I was younger on the roleplaying game.

I tried to give snarky remarks like always but I was given a heavy dose of shocks, and I could feel it. I felt it like that axe in my arm, or being assaulted by an ex. He came over Teen Titans Slade style but I can't remember his design so my brain just pictures Fyodor in his Halloween outfit. Then next thing I know it's the next day and I'm outside.

I tried to ignore the fact I got kidnapped and, whatever happened to me so I could text you guys. You guys thought I died too, which sorta makes sense. But I was very close with @tilskkarishma online. We talked about what happened and whenever I chatted to them, I saw the dark house. They come back soon.

Then my sister was with me at a row of computers while I got up to leave. Then her friends were yanking me back to play a game with them even though I had to meet with I think Fukuzawa and "Taneda". Then my sister questioned who the online friend was(Mori's mod) and I began to ask them about doing the kidnapping now. They didn't exactly agree.... but it's kidnapping so...

I had a vision that behind me they were making a very messy cow balloon full of organs and such, using the utters to twist into a shape. So I headed off but I guess my dream got sick of me postponing this meeting so I fell onto a wet sidewalk in the rainy night. Then I was guided by Taneda out of there to the location where I had a very heavy worry I would be assaulted cus of my age again but I woke up.

The End.

@paintedgrilledcheese here ya go!!

[lavendertowerarchives]

This. This is the stuff I was talking about.

Early last October, I made a post describing a foray into my own exploration of "whether or not I am plural." My own haphazard tests came back negative. I read back the post in full and thankfully still agreed with what Past Lavender said (even including the extraneous shit that 100% shoulda been in a separate post).

What I had perceived as "differing personalities" were more accurately codified as "intersections of specific traits," separated roughly by the desirability of these traits. If I was content, creating, well-fed, and happy, I was likely also with another person or had recently talked to another person. Similarly, if I was $uic1d@l, depressed, hungry, bored, and tired, I'd probably not talked to someone in hours, days, weeks...

These intersections were recognized simply because they were almost always a package. I was never just hungry or just bored, there was always the link between them of "feeling alone." As such, they were the closest I got to another personality that could "overtake" me (the reason they felt like separate entities is the sheer force with which they overtook me, I was always in one or the other, one always heavily dominant and the other close to nonexistent). That's the reason it took so much effort to document how they affected me: I couldn't understand one of them while inside the other. It was almost always a complete takeover, no amount of reasoning or proof could convince my pessimistic self that my friends actually did like me. No feeling of physical or mental pain could convince the other side to rest, sleep, pause, or stop sacrificing tomorrow for today's benefit.

To directly contrast from your experience, Phantalgia, I (un?)fortunately know where all my stimuli come from. I do not wonder where these "blobs" of emotion originate from; they are always the same types of impetus, just in differing polarities: hunger/fullness, pleasure/displeasure, people/loneliness, distraction/obsession, inspiration/boredom... While I can name them all (given enough time), I still struggle to figure out which ones affect me at any given time. As I am now, I'm debating between going to class tomorrow and not having a tomorrow at all. Why am I not eager to work on one of my twenty-ish projects? Well, I am alone, but I don't feel very hungry, but I'm a little bored, but I do have some inspiration for writing this exact post... I know what issues to check, but not all of them are in the forefront of my brain, and not all of them are insightful.

The second inverse problem I have is an inability to zoom out my map. I find myself unable to take any number of steps back and view things from a less biased vantage point. I'm stuck in my own 2.5D world, staring at the horizon at the things I think are influencing me, looking down at where I think the intersections are, guessing at where my mind may be right now. The only way I can tell how I feel at any moment is by analyzing the symptoms I see. I only realize I'm depressed when I spend my fourth (consecutive) hour wondering which video game I should play to make me less bored.

This relative blindness is, again, what makes the prospect of multiplicity so... probable. While in one such mire of bias and perception, personality A, it takes so much effort to understand how personality B thinks that I'm usually living as personality B by the time I do "get it." Then I, drowning in personality B, have to understand how the fuck personality A got such a different conclusion from the exact same data. There is zero middle ground.

I myself concluded that this was probably not multiplicity. I do not have the understanding necessary to diagnose myself. I'm not exactly saying I don't have it, I'm more forcefully saying I have no way of knowing. I feel it's less plausible that I have another fucker in my head and more plausible that I sincerely do not know what's going on. Again, I'm mostly blind when it comes time to peek up in my own brain.

There's quite a bit of labor required to switch modes of thought, whether monolithic like the two fuckers I described above or more modular like "talking to a human" vs "writing c++" vs "writing prose" vs "making an MTG deck." This transition is never on purpose. It is never voluntary (at least for me). I'd argue that neurotypicals transition between these much more fluidly, yes, but they paradoxically have less knowledge about the differing modes they find themselves in. Being consumed by anger/pleasure/hatred/love/whatever is exclusive to nobody, but it usually takes some prior mental fuckery to realize "oh. This is abnormal. This is overwhelming. Should I do something about it?" This is a process which I have seen startlingly few neurotypicals go through before doing something irreversible or rash or inadvisable or just plain stupid. Hell, the reason I distrust myself so heavily is because I used to just... do shit because "it seemed right, given the data" when in reality I just accidentally ignored certain key conclusions. I learned I am not to be trusted.

I do take issue with one of your conclusions, though. I don't think "living a lie" is the best moniker to give one of your options. While it'd be more accurate to call it "not living the truth," the "truth" is not necessary for just... living. As someone who refuses to trust himself, a trick I use to get my brain to drop certain uncertainties is "I don't know if it's correct, but I also don't know if I'm correct. Therefore, no matter my conclusion, if I were to check if for fallacies/consistency/correctness, I would come to a similarly uncertain conclusion." Hopefully it works for you. Idk how helpful it is to essentially be told "you'll never know lol git gud XD" but it definitely works for me.

Either way, with your other option being "use the tools at my disposal," I'd say use those tools. The world as a whole may not understand the differences between people, but you can pick individual people out from that world. There will be people who think they know what they're blabbering about (look no further, my dude), but you're the one who knows how accurate their shots are.

Exploring Multiplicity

I don’t keep track of my blogs. But if I remember correctly. The last blog I did was on this feeling of "alterhuman" that stemmed from a connection to my fursona. I can't remember what I said in it. But it's really been "itchy" in my mind lately.

As with anything in my core beliefs, we are fundamentally defined by our environment and learn from it and take from it. Our identies are thus shaped by others, and the world around us. From adolesence to well into adulthood. I don’t think there's a specific core to be found. Enter multiplicity.

I've been wondering about multiplicity/ plurality. It's controversial, even amid the community at large. Which is what concerns me when discussing my own journey in getting my feet wet into some of the ideas or inspirations from multiplicity.

For safety, I want to seperate the real trauma that exists for many that come out in DID, OSDD, if those labels are helpful to you. I want to mean no disrespect and completely seperate myself from that valid experience going further. That is not what is being discussed here. If anything, endogenic systems will for the most part be discussed. Sort of...

I know someone with a form of multiplicity. It's rather abstract and the details continue to keep flowing as it changes and molds. Much of what they tell me gets me so lost that I cant even understand what they're saying. But clearly they are at least understanding for now to the best of their ability what they experience and it's still ongoing. However, their system seems traumagenic but didn't make itself known until much later in life (I could be butchering it, as they don’t talk too much about the origins of it, just hints at childhood experience).

Thinking In Retrospect and Neurodivergency

So, there's this real possibility that my doctor seems to agree that I’m neurodivergent, ADHD, on the spectrum, whatever. Well, this at least helps with validation. At least in the confines of a culture that prides itself in putting people into boxes that people in white coats do. Of course, we can get into how limiting and dangerous that is at a collective level as many people do not respect phenomonology nor the idea that maybe scientific and medical inquiry is dynamic and influenced by cultural, material, and ideological forces.

The point I’m getting at is because I didn't have the language to pinpoint a person I was. I can only look back at myself and see just a robot. A set of scripts. I think the world was challenging. So I protected myself through avoidance and acting out online.

As you get older, the brain develops, events happen, your language broadens and things start to become clearer. Which has lead me to confront the things I've been avoiding and try to understand why. For the past few days, some things have been illuminated.

I think the tools to unlock this come from alternative identites, queerness, alterhuman, and so on. And just expanding oneself and not hiding oneself. Perhaps I shrunk back down again in order to protect myself from the new experiences of disconnection that has come from a wide open spiritul connection to all things that it becomes paralyzing.

A 'System' To Make Things Work

I needed a new way to understand myself and the world. Part of what I've been avoiding is my natural capacity for systemizing. This is in conflict with ADHD symptoms. But it does occur.

I recognized that at a deep level, my mind does change into certain "modes". I don’t believe this is anything new among people. But it's become more jarring. One personality for one context, another for a whole seperate one. There might be some similarities between them, but they have distinct thought patterns, emotions, feelings, and even how strongly I can have impulse control.

So I need something new to understand this. Neurodivergency comes with the challenge of being able to switch to certain modes of being as change can be a struggle to adapt to. So going from an art mode to a music mode to an academic mode becomes daunting. Coupling that with the systemizing. I think this is why shocks of external stimuli can become so paralyzing, it fucks with the predictable nature of the environment.

Agar.io Blobs

Think of agario or microorganisms floating around. Combing and decoupling. This is how I imagine myself now. This is the idea.

So, you have this bubble I call the "me at one time". As the name suggests it resembles who I am now at this moment. Surrounding it is all the other bubbles and shapes of varrying size and brightness symbolizing strength and relavence. What are these bubbles and shapes? Everything. Every internal, mental, external thing. Moods, hobbies, objects, thoughts, tastes, sounds, emotions, everything. These things can combine together to form new clusters that can help explain an experience. Say, certain music, emotions, physical state, memories combine together to form an idea, concept, feeling, or even that connection to my fursona. Or a disconnection to the world.

Another example is I like to think of the blob of me at one time is this. When confronted with perhaps vulnerable feelings from another person. I shut down. How this looks can be a contraction of my blob down to a specific set of overwhelming and contridicting feelings and uncertainty where the useless stuff gets expelled as I contract and my bubble forms a hardened shield preventing those emotions from returning.

This is a 2D map of these things, but I have thought of it also being multidimensional. To represent spiritual or essoteric aspects, like being in connection with my fursona. Wondering if this is where new blobs can come from. Or maybe each blob has the capacity for multidimensional travel in some capacity to explain the unexplained.

However, where do these blobs come from? Well I recognized that there is only one possible source. Thats the real world, outside the mind. But the "me" (not the "me at one time") is the huge bubble that every blob floats in. We don’t know how big the "me" is. Or if it also expands and contracts. This me is represnted of as the me that takes in it all. All the unconcious. The 2D map itself is just the observer part of me.

So the outside world exists. But there must be an inbetween. This must be where things get processed, turned into thoughts, where dreams come from. So the layers starting outside are: the external world, the processing area, and the internal, then the "me" at one time.

So where do personality shifts come in? I think once certain external and mental stimuli hits the processing zone, the new blobs are formed. But then they mingle with each other as they come closer to the "me at one time" bubble. These blobs shoot at me as fast as it takes the brain to process visual info, 13 miliseconds.

But that doesnt mean they'll become part of me. Again a lot of them are stuck floating around finding moments necessary to start combining with me. Or themselves. Once they combine with themselves, they gain the size of the "me at one time" bubble and overtake me. Perhaps everything consolidates and hardens until some release happens as things get expelled, decoupled, or replaced by new blobs.

This Way Of Looking At Myself

It's been helpful in creating an actual vizualization in explaining how things feel. It's broad enough to encompass everything. It's helpful enough to understand strengths of these shifts and to communicate when I feel something different. Or maybe I’m unaware of it and need to open my map and see "Ah yes this blob has overtaken me!"

This method, for its limitations, is the best at explaining my feels of rigidness, my esoteric feelings, my ability to avoid, why I struggle to socialize as there are many blobs at once to try and understand and become overstimulating.

The next question I’m wondering is this multiplicity per se?

There's no "alters" necessarily. There is a sense of unity among this. But there's a recognition in the fluid and dynamic changes in identity and feeling of oneself. It can help me relax to some extent and forgive myself for having such jarring experiences.

What changes is the "me" state. The bubbles can combine together to form something bigger than me and swallow me but they tend to shrink to my level. Unless it is I that becomes part of their blob, then there's a possibility that I become an unconcious alter. This happens when my DMN becomes hyperactive due to ADHD or OCD like symptoms. I will recognize this as a blob that had taken up significant space among the "me at one time". This still doesnt explain personality shifts too much as many prompts in the environment cause me to switch to something else. Perhaps my map can allow me more dynamism or at least communicate rigidness.

It's helpful in understanding why my interests can be hard to engage with or change to. Because of the effort to align the blobs in such a way that helps fit the mode best fit for it. And then the systemizing that takes place.

The Other Dimensions

I think about the other dimensions. As I believe these are the places where spiritual connections happen. The oneness with the universe, the connection to my fursona. If they are exceptions of the rule of coming out of the processing zone.

Maybe they are like black holes that grow in size, sucking in different aspects of the self forming this new deeper connection. It's hard to know for sure.

Thinking Of Multiplicity as Something Natural

From Socrates, to Carl Jung. There are constant hints of multiplicity throughout human history. Tulpamancy, shamanism, and so on. It makes me wonder if multiplicity isnt all black and white. I struggle to find any compelling reason to believe that this is soley a trauma based phenomonon.

I think it helps to really emphasize the seperateness of these phenomonon. Trauma based needs to be respected, adversity based needs their space, and spiritual based needs their space. Yes they can overlap. But they need their space.

Multiplicity probably does exist as a form of social construct (because a single uniform identity sure is!). It's an aspect of identity formation. I've seen the theory that queerness as identity formation can come from trauma. So trauma, adversity must come from it also. It's all about deep introspection.

I think for the neurodivergent, it helps to explain the unexplained. It recognizes the constellation of identity to such a degree that it can't be ignored. It becomes necessary to function. It's not the only way to function as neurodivergent. But is one way.

Neurotypicals probably have a smoother time at navigating certain personality shifts as they are more able to recognize the cohesion associated with their "oneness" perhaps unconiously. To people more sensitive to these changes. Multiplicity offers a way to navigate the world.

Conclusion

It's hard to navigate the world for me. It always has been. Its hard to ignore certain things as I’m hypersensitive. I struggle with shifting modes of being because they come with energy draining shifts in thought patterns, emotions, memories, feelings, and behaviors. Some of these have things in common, it's just they manifest differently.

What choice do I have then? Live a lie or use the tools at my disposal to navigate the world in a world that doesn't appreciate the differences amongst people.

[blueicequeen19]

Innocent Pt. 11

The whole day I've felt like something bad is going to happen. I just couldn't figure out what. It had me on edge all day. I'd jump every time the door opened or something was too loud. I was losing my mind.

I'm walking to my car when my phone rings, it's my mother. Alarm sets in because there's no way she would be awake this late unless something was wrong. I answer.

"What's wrong, mom?" I ask. I can hear her panicked, heavy breathing.

"Your father has been in an accident. They're sending him to a bigger hospital on the mainland. He might not make it." My knees buckle and I have to hold myself up against my car. The mainland? Any hospital on the mainland is over 8 hours away. My car wouldn't make the distance. "They're flying him there and I'll go with him. I'll keep you updated. Keep the store closed until you hear from me." She instructs like she just read my mind. I have so many questions but the panic in her voice keeps me from asking.

"Okay." Is all I manage to say, my whole body is shaking.

"I tell you your father is probably going to die and all you say is okay?" She snaps, I can hear the pain in her voice.

"I-I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to say. Are you sure you don't want me to find a way there?" I ask.

"No. Just stay there and watch the house. We don't need to get robbed by some stupid Baseheads." She spits and I nod, keeping my silence. "I have to go. I'll update you later." And she hangs up. I round my car and hover over the grass as the bile creeps up my throat. I throw up until I'm dry heaving and even then the sick feeling in my gut doesn't subside. I knew something was off today and now my father might die. I drop to my knees as I try to catch my breath. Now is not the time to have a fucking panic attack.

I needed to see Rafe. I send him a text but he doesn't answer. A quick glance on Snap tells me he's at a party with Topper and Kelc. I shake off how stalkerish that was but this was urgent. I just needed to get him alone for a second. I just needed a moment to process my guilt and I knew he'd understand.

I text him again but he still doesn't answer after I show up at the party. It's at the same house as the last party so I quickly make my way up to the second floor. There's tons of Kooks with their drugs but none of them are Rafe. I retrace my steps and find my way to the loft above the garage. The door is cracked and the mention of my name forces me to pause.

"I told you I'd do it." Rafe says, humor in his voice.

"I didn't doubt you, bro." I hear Kelc and Topper laugh.

"How was it?" I hear Topper ask.

"Best I've ever felt." Rafe chuckles and I hear a bottle being sat down.

"I've heard the innocent ones are freaks." Kelc comments and anger swells in my chest.

"She is. I might just knock her up so I have it forever." Rafe laughs and bile forms in my throat. This was all a game. All of it was a fucking game. "One sec." I'm too angry to process Rafe's voice or the approaching footsteps.

The door opens more and he freezes when he sees me. He only hesitates for a moment before pushing me backwards and closing the door completely as he steps into the hallway.

"You son of a bitch." I snarl but Rafe holds his hands up in surrender.

"It's not what you think." Rafe pleads softly and I smack him. I go for a second when he catches my arm and shoves me against the wall.

"You used me." My heart breaks as I look up at him. He turns me and shoves me out a door I hadn't noticed before. It leads to a balcony overlooking the ocean.

"I didn't use you. It was real. All of it." Rafe hisses and I slap him again. He growls angrily and shoves me against the balcony railing.

"Then what were they talking about?" I demand and he catches my arm again.

"That's not what this is about. You came here for a release, a distraction." Rafe yanks me against his chest and I realize he's right. The anger has turned to arousal. "You can fight me and hit me all you want. I can take it." Rafe snaps and I shove him away. "But be prepared because if you slap me again, I'll bend you over that fucking railing and fuck you till you cry." Rafe's threat makes me gasp, pulling away from him.

"You're a psycho." I breathe and his smile is almost sinister.

"I prefer creative."

"I don't want to do this anymore." I choke on my own words.

"You're a liar. You're just scared because our demons play so well together."

"You don't have demons. You are a demon. There's a difference."

"Lucky for you I like how you taste. I won't have to kill you." I gasp, fear clawing it's way up my throat. I shove at him and he catches my hands then spins me around so I'm gripping the railing. "I know you like being scared. You like the chase. You like the fight. I'll bet you even like being held down. Lucky for you I plan to deliver on all those things." Rafe licks up my neck and I shudder, gripping the railing for dear life.

He forces my head to turn and kisses me hard, rubbing his clothed erection against my ass. His mouth moves to my neck and I moan, yanking on his hair and I feel him slip his shorts down.

"I need you so bad, you don't understand." Rafe whispers into my neck.

"I hate you." I breathe as he tugs my shorts just down to my knees.

"Do you spread your legs for everyone you hate?" Rafe pushes inside me and I moan loudly. He pulls my hips back and slams into me hard, reaching deep inside me.

"Rafe." I moan as I grip the railing and push back against him.

"Oh shit." Rafe moans. I look back to see his head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut. "Oh fuck." Rafe thrusts into me faster and my whole body tightens. "You feel so fucking good." Rafe groans. His sounds send me over the edge. This monster of a man was at my mercy. He was weak because of me. I cry out loudly as my body shakes and I feel him grunt.

"You're gripping me like a goddamn vice." Rafe grits his teeth. Suddenly he pulls out and I gasp from the empty feeling. He turns me so I'm facing him and lifts me up by my ass, my legs wrapping securely around his waist.

"Grip the railing. I want you to feel what it's like having your life in my hands." Rafe growls. I lean back into the railing and wrap my arms around it as he shoves back inside me. My head falls back over the rail, my world turned upside down.

"Rafe." I squeal and he only drives into me harder. His hands grip my ass painfully as fucks me savagely. I feel another orgasm rushing forward.

"Hold it." Rafe demands.

"I can't!" I cry.

"Fucking hold it, Em." Rafe snarls, his hips smacking into mine. My body tenses and shakes as I'm pushed closer and closer.

"It's a shame about your dad." I hear Rafe say but my head is in the clouds, my orgasm at its peak. "Who knew break lines could give out so easily." I gasp as his fingers find my clit and I scream louder than I thought possible, almost hurting my own ears. Rafe grunts and his hips still. "He wouldn't have been a good grandpa anyway." It takes me a moment to realize that Rafe came inside me. He lets me down and I use the railing to hold myself up as I reach between my legs and feel his seed spilling from me.

"I'm not having your children." I growl and he smiles.

"You're going to have a lot of my children." Rafe scoops up his release from between my thighs and wipes it over my lips. I shove him away but can't stop from licking my lips, savoring the taste of us mixed together.

"I have an IUD." I snap and he shrugs.

"I can remove it."

"You're sick."

"I never claimed to be a good man. I told you from the beginning." I try to pull my shorts up but he stops me, pinning my hands to the railing with his. "Why aren't you asking how I know about your dad?" I meet his gaze but I can't speak. I can't make myself say it.

"You're glad I did it." Rafe says it so I don't have to.

"No." I growl.

"You're glad it happened." Rafe corrects himself and I fight against his hold. I squirm and my shorts drop down to my ankles.

"It's wrong." I dig my nails into his hands but he doesn't flinch. "Someone will find out. You'll get in trouble."

"Will it ease your mind if I tell you how I did it?" Rafe whispers in my ear and chills coat my body.

"I'm leaving." I snap and he kisses my collarbone, his touch fueling me on. I can't think and I can't resist him. My mouth says one thing but my body does another.

"You're not leaving tonight." Rafe growls.

[lovely-echoo]

Sleepy Bois Inc x FranBow!Reader

In-game AU

Part 1/? Pt.2

Plantonic!SBI x Young!Reader

(10/11 years old)

OneShot/Drabble(?)

Genderneutral reader (they/them) 💜

INFO; If you haven't played or seen game play of Fran Bow then you can skip this if you'd like. If you don't care then go ahead.

Summary; Basically if you've seen/played the game you should know how this goes, you take place of Fran. So you go/went through the same things she did and you still have Mr. Midnight. This takes place while Fran is still in the mental hospital and then got teleported near the SBI.

Honestly I kept thinking about this but was afraid to request it to anyone so I'm doing it my myself-

If I get any info wrong, I'm sorry! I rewatched Markiplier's game play so it shouldn't be way off.

P.s not everything is described the same.

(^ art by sunquids on twt)

CW/TW: mentions/includes of cussing, gore, death, blood, consumption of medication, sexual assault (brief mentions of Damian/The King)

Fluff/Normal

(Angst if you squint)

How you ended up there - How you met Philza and Technoblade

As you were walking around the hospital, you decided to take a pill to see if it'll help.

You watched as your vision blurred and some sort of demonic noises rang in your ears.

After a few seconds your vision cleared up, you took a look around the front desk.

The once dull and lifeless room had turned into this even duller and just plain deathly like room.

Blood was everywhere, random body parts of babies where thrown around. A skeletal figure was hung with what looked like an umbilical cord wrapped around its thin bones, it was connected to this baby covered by a blue blanket.

Just about everything looked grotesque.

Suddenly the floor ahead of you opened and this slimy black tentacle like arm grabbed you by the waist and pulled you in.

It seemed you may have passed out during your fall because you woke up to the sounds of hissing and supposedly two men.

Oh and let's not forget the killer headache causing the ringing in your ears. :)

You rubbed your eyes as you sat up, the light around you seemed much brighter than before.

You looked at the two men in front of you and then glanced down, you spotted Mr. Midnight!

His fur was spiked up and his ears were flat against his head. He seemed to be trying to protect you from the men.

Ignoring their presence you immediately scooped up your precious fur baby in your arms.

Your mind completely forgot about the fact there are two strange looking men in front of you.

A few droplets of water dripped down your (S/C) cheeks onto your (F/C) shirt/dress.

You started crying, so much happened in a short period of time and you found your cat you oh so desperately tried to find.

It panicked one of the adults. Said adult was an average tall man with slightly longer blond hair than average, he also had a green and white striped bucket hat. But what stuck out the most was the large pair of wings behind his back.

At first you thought that it was your pills fault but everywhere around you looked….

Normal?

It seemed like your meds wore off while you supposedly passed out.

But that doesn’t help or ease you at all. If the side effects wore off then how the hell did he have wings?!

The blond walked towards you slowly, like you were an injured puppy. His blue eyes roamed around your body, as if studying your every mouvements.

The other man who was beside him earlier seemed to tense up and looked at him as if he grew another head. He was on edge you assumed.

But he looked even weirder to you. He had long pink hair tied into a loose braid falling over his shoulder. Was it natural? He also had tusks peeking out from his bottom lip, they were large but not enough to be in the way. His skin seemed to be on the pinker side, it was roughed up with scars and calloused in certain areas. You noticed he had pig ears poking out his crown. Is he a king of sorts? Wait, that reminds you of someome... Oh! The king of course!

Ah yes, the king. You quite missed him actually, he was playful and let you use his cane- sword to get a key. But he didn't know about that part. You wonder if he's doing alright right know, the asylum sucks. And the shadow thing next to him said weird things to. Who exactly is the holy man? Why'd the shadow say he took off his clothes?

You couldn't dwell on it to much as you got distracted by the approaching man.

He reached out his hand to stop the winged male. “Phil-”

But the man named ‘Phil’ interrupted the crowned male by putting up his hand. He stopped his hand and let it limp to his side.

“It’s alright Tech, they seem harmless.” ‘Phil’ reassured, though ‘Tech’ nodded his head with a stern expression. There was still hesitance in his sharp red eyes.

‘Phil’ took the same hand he put up and reached it out to you. A soft and kind look in his eyes, you could’ve gotten lost in them if you weren’t careful.

“You alright there kid?” He asked, crouching down to meet your height from where you sat.

“Y-yeah, I think so…” You winced, your throat was hoarse and dry. You peered at ‘Phil’ as he took out this glass bottle with what you assumed was water.

He handed you the fragile bottle, he saw the look of hesitance in your childlike eyes. But something about them set off alarms in his head, they were dull. There’s nothing wrong with that of course! But they were too dull, at least for a mere kid.

He recognized a glint of trauma in your (Eye Shape) eyes, those beautiful (E/C) orbs had seen something they shouldn’t have. Haven’t they?

“Don’t worry mate, it’s fresh water.” He examined the way you handled the cork, you were inexperienced. He could tell you’ve never needed to do it, but why? It’s really the only way so far to keep water with you.

Did you not have any?

While he was lost in thought, you just had noticed he had an accent of sorts. Nothing wrong with it, you've just never heard of someone with it.

(^ Ignore that if you are british)

While the winged male was off in his own world the piglin hybrid watched as you sniffed the clear liquid in suspicion before letting your cat smell it as if you were looking for their approval.

To his surprise they did give it to you, the black cat nodded it’s head and squeaked out a meow. That strangely sounded like a yes- but he dismissed the thought. Probably was just the voices fucking with him.

You gulped down the water as if you hadn’t had any for months.

‘Why tf are they so desperate-’ ‘lowkey kinda concerned lmao’ ‘they look like they’d be an orphan tho’ ‘lmao maybe’ ‘idc about the kid, i want the cat’ ‘absolutely-’ ‘Nah fuck the cat, im allergic.’ ‘lol and?’ 'PFT ANY ASKERS???'

Those were all different voices speaking and overlapping each other.

Technoblade sighed as he glanced at his father, he knew him on the back of his hand. He let him be and slowly walked next to Phil and kneeled down.

“What’s your name kid?” he asked, taking the empty bottle you had handed him. “(Y/n), (Y/n) (L/n)/Bow.” You bluntly answered, looking at him in the eyes. He noticed how bloodshot they were, I mean you did cry not even 5 minutes ago.

"What's yours?" You questioned tilting your head a bit in the process.

Unbeknownst to you, some voices in a certain someone's head were losing their shit, squealing and chanting ‘protecc tiny bean’ over and over again.

"The name's Technoblade, but you can call me Techno." Strange name in your book but your not the one to judge. You simply nodded your head in acknowledgement.

"That guy is Philza, but you can call him Phil." He pointed his thumb to the unfocused man. Technoblade or Techno- cleared his throat.

“You’ve got somewhere to stay? Where are your parents?” “Why can’t you mind your business?”

Techno’s eyes twitched in annoyance and his teeth clenched to hold back any crude words.

Although he noticed the flash of pain in those dull (E/C) orbs of the mentions of your parents.

He sighed once again, something you noticed he did a lot. At least, so far he did.

“Look kid, do you have a place to stay or not?”

And that's how you ended up meeting your new family. . . <3

I may include a taglist if anyone's up to be tagged lmao

[fluffytriceratops]

Let Her Go - Atsumu Miya

Note: Yet again another old hq imagine. This time featuring my bb Tsumu. Bit of an au, both Atsumu and [Name] are older in this one. I imagine they're in their twenties. Atsumu is a professional vb player at this point. Also- I know it says [Name] instead of Y/n, but I just haven't decided which one I like better yet. So until then, have both? Idk. Thanks for reading! <3

Warnings: mature language,

"Kiss me," She practically begged, her fingers were cold against his skin as she cupped his face in her hands. He watched as the tears rolled down her plump rosy cheeks.

"Atsumu, kiss me." She said again, pressing her forehead against his own. He squeezed his eyes shut, not having enough strength to watch her break before him.

"Don't do this. Please... Don't leave like this." Her voice cracked and the Miya twin flinched, inhaling shakily.

"I'm sorry," He whimpered, lifting his hands up to gently grasp her wrists. Atsumu slowly pulled her hands away from his face.

Opening his eyes once again, he forced himself to look down at her. "I'm sorry, [Name]. But I have to do this. And I don't think - I don't think I'll be able to leave if we.." He swallowed thickly, trailing off and not being able to finish his sentence. Silently hoping she would just understand where he was going with this. He didn't want to hurt her, but it had to be done.

Her face twisted into a look of pain as she ripped her wrists from his grasp. "Don't. You don't get to do that. You don't get to use and dump me, only to feel sorry for yourself! I have supported you and your career, I never made you once choose it over me! I went to all your games, even the practice ones! I was there for you whenever you needed me. And you -" A small sob slipped past her lips. [Name] shook her head, forcing herself to look down at her feet.

"You used me. You're leaving me here, while you go off to be a champion. What was I to you? Was I nothing? Does our relationship mean nothing to you?" [Name] reaches up and began to wipe at her tears roughly. Almost as if they burned her.

"No. No you know that I loved you-"

"Loved? Past tense. Nice. Real lovely of you." She yanked a hand through her hair, chucking bitterly.

"I didn't - [Name] please try to understand." Atsumu sighed, taking a step towards her. She took a step back in return.

"Understand what exactly, Atsumu? Please explain this to me, because I'm having a real hard time understanding your stupid and cowardly actions." Her tone was venomous and tongue sharp. She wasn't playing around anymore.

"Volleyball has always been my life. My number one goal. You came into my life unexpectedly, and it was great. For a long while I was happy to be with you. But then you became a distraction. You were turning into my number one. And I couldn't.. I can't  let that happen, [Name]. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen. I can't have anyone holding me back, not my friends, not my family, not you. Volleyball is my dream, please, please try to understand. It won't work between us. I'm sorry."

She was silent for a good long while. Finally getting enough courage to look at him, her gaze was cold and piercing as she glared. "No. No obviously I'm the one who should be sorry. For holding you back and ruining your dream. Because apparently you can't play volleyball and love someone at the same time. Or maybe I'm just stupid and don't understand it. But then again my career means everything to me as well. And I was happy not being in a relationship. I was happy. Until you came along and fucked everything up for me." She jabbed him in the chest with her index finger, tongue clicking in annoyance.

"Fucking hell, Atsumu. I was happy, I was fine with my life until you waltzed into my heart like you fucking owned it. And now you just walk away? You throw me off to the side like I'm one of your petty fans? I won't do it, I won't have it. I won't let you make me feel like a piece of shit. You're the piece of shit. Not me." Her tears had returned and Atsumu could tell she didn't want to be crying right now. He wanted to reach out to her, to hold her in his arms one last time. But he knew there was no going back. His mind was made up. This was it.

"[Name]-"

"No. I'm done, you hear me? I'm the one breaking up with you. Go on your fucking trip, have fun, I hope you do well in your competition. I truly do hope you have a wonderful life. I hope that your dreams come true. Just know that I won't be here waiting for you when that happens. Don't even bother looking for me... Goodbye, Atsumu. I wish you the best of luck." Wiping at her face with the back of her hand, she turned around and began to walk away. And he let her.

He didn't bother stopping her as he watched her leave. Atsumu's eyes were locked onto the back of her until he could no longer see her. And even then, he stood there. Knowing he had just cut off the last person who truly cared. The one person he could actually see himself make a life with. Someone who could've been ten times more important to him than volleyball. He let her go.

[mojoomojojo]

Aah I forgot about this lmfao, like giving updates, yeah I fucking pissed myself twice in a day so uh 👉👈. I didn't mean to either, just did the funny piss thing too hard.

The first one I'm still in bed. I had two bottles from last night just I refilled before sleep. I decided to work out and I had to keep drinking water to not die. I did one that I basically hang from a bar and pull my knees up. I'm at home, and I almost drop myself and let out a huge gush out of working out and fear. I get down and despite how much I sorta realize how full I am now I'm not occupied. I sit down on my chair and I remember I have some work to do. I like sitting on my chairs backwards and I don't sit normally.

I have my legs forced apart and I'm practically jumping about in my seat. I could barely focus and I practically moaned as another very fast leak got out. Smaller but ohohooohohho. I got up and I haha funny and I refill one of my bottles. Genuinely thirsty and chug it as the sink and fill it again, and I, I still laughing a bit. I walk out of the kitchen and trip, I catch myself so the floor doesn't hurt. I also barely manage to not fully piss myself, just looks like someone poured two shot glasses there.

For me my bathroom is all the way on the other side of the house from the kitchen. Just laid on the floor. I told myself to get up but I didn't. It took like 10 times of 'i should get up before I piss myself' to get up, and I get up, to just immediately feel myself lose it lmao. It wasn't fast, lots of dribbles and me trying to keep it in my best, every spurt longer than the last. I just couldn't get it to stop I just am not used to it doing that like fuck it felt good though. My piss probably lasted long enough even if I got the floor wet I should've just gone but I was so focused on trying to hold it. Felt good.

The second one, I was grinding gta5 (not online ew) and I take all 4 of my bottles out. I just keep getting muchies and chugging down water when my mouth gets dry. I am doing the most painful mission in the game, and, sorry rockstar, it's hard to hide a gigantic truck from the police. Took forever, I got like shaky at that point. I was aware I had to piss but I didn't. I got distracted playing and only sometimes came back. The first hold was early in the morning and I just slowly had to piss more. I eventually get desperate enough I am on the floor, legs together in one scene. I can barely focus and only focus if I wanna try something stupid in game.

I finally leak and I take a minute before realizing. I take my headphones off and I got a message. I opened my phone and checked (I do this every time, friends over toilet) and I have my legs tight together, and I just couldn't hold it. I feel really bad not replying to a friend and I just sat there, it all leaking out. It wasn't fast at all, it was a slow slow dribble and I felt wound up. It sped up by itself and I could hear how fast it came out, opening my legs and embarrassingly just letting it out. Felt so good and I felt like my friend could just me through the phone but they don't know.

Sorry this is long, had a very hydrated day though and I was paranoid of sleeping. I didn't piss in my sleep, that's kinda why I didn't sit on my bed or couch when I got so desperate. I don't like piss couch. I had a (very) close call on the next if you're interested, I won't include it here just because, long. I also have to kinda piss and I'm squirming rn lmao. New addiction/hj. I probably will go. (If you wanna throw your vote in /hj idc)

- 🪩

Oh that sounds like such a fun day! Twice...ahhh.... poor thing your bladder must be wrecked

[neonnoir-ao3]

Some Words of Comfort.

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of people (especially those who have read spoilers/are actively searching for leaked content) lament about their future reactions to the deaths of our beloved characters in-game.

We all knew this was inevitable, and that them living was not an option for the plot of the game, but the time has finally come to face it head-on.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I understand that someone outside this community might be like “it’s just a game”, but I know it’s way more than that to many: the concept of a female villain that, to many, can be seen as sympathizable and even endearing, is a bit of a new concept— especially on such a large scale as this instance.

In addition, Lady Dimitrescu and her daughters have become a bit of a comfort item for some (with an emphasis on sapphics/wlw, from what I’ve seen personally) in the form of a large, protective, and caring hypothetical partner, or even just a maternal character one can appreciate simply because of her love for her children. Regardless, most of us are here due to some desire for comfort.

Take my own story with this community, for example:

(tws for death, covid, suicide, and general medical emergencies)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankly, 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have ruined me. I lost two men who were the only two positive father figures I’ve ever had. The last of the two tested positive for covid and deteriorated within days, to the point where less than a week after testing positive, my family was making the choice to pull the plug. This all occurred days before Christmas and my birthday. On the first day of the spring semester, having not had the time to properly mourn my grandfather, my mother is in the ER for multiple days with an internal infection that doctors said likely would have turned septic if she had waited to come in any longer. This led to three surgeries throughout the next few months. (Oh, and one of my relatives quite literally dropped dead on that first day of class, too). I am also estranged from one of my parents, and they have been trying to contact my family: they have multiple untreated mental illnesses (severe NPD, bipolar, and more) and they are extremely aggressive in that state of mind and they are agitated extremely easily. That only brings more stress, along with resurfacing trauma and related emotions. Every moment of every day has been a struggle. So much so that I failed half of my classes voluntarily simply because I couldn't do them anymore.

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t expect to be here right now. I expected that the pain of simply moving forward would have finally overridden my fears of death and that I would have already ended my suffering by now.

Then, in late January, I saw something trending on Twitter. About a new female villain in an upcoming horror game. And it went from there.

As cheesy as it sounds, this fandom and its content seriously saved my life. In the darkest of days, I’ve come to this tag for comfort. The oddest way I found said comfort was through those who were attracted to Alcina aesthetically. I have extremely long-term trauma related to being bullied and being the victim of a hybrid catfishing/'Oreo Game' on early social media by peers in middle school to the point where I do not think of myself as being able to be loved, let alone being worthy of it. Finding this community not only provided a great form of escapism (and opened a door into a fantasy world where I could imagine my own person vampire milf gf), but also gained a little bit of self-esteem (as many of you know, I share a lot of visual qualities with Alcina. -yes, I'm still kinda freaked out about it-) via seeing people where features/attributes like mine were actively praised and desired rather than insulted and pushed away like they have been until now.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

(okay sorry that kinda turned into a trauma dump but I needed to emphasize the fact that this community has seriously helped me during a really dark point in my life, and I know I can't be the only one with that sort of experience)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

What I’m trying to get across here is that, like many others, this community and its content have been comforting and therapeutic, and it really is more than just a game to us. It’s entertaining and even a form of escapism in these extremely trying times. We all have some degree of PTSD from surviving a literal mass plague— and this is something we're using as a method of coping. a distraction. a coping mechanism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With that being said, here are some ways to hopefully assist in lessening the emotional stress:

(please note that I am not a mental health professional and these may not be healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Understand that it’s just a game.

I know, this sounds completely counterintuitive, but it’s more or less about keeping your level of immersion down. Personally, I can’t do scary shit in general: I have to listen to music on low volume while watching dark ARG vids at night or when I’m alone because I get too into it, and then my paranoia kicks in. Sometimes just pausing for a moment and grounding yourself/reminding yourself that this is a video game: a jumble of code and 3D rendering that doesn’t have to affect your views/headcanons if you don’t want it to. Did your favorite character just get slaughtered? Nope, that 3D rendering of them just got un-alived, that’s all.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Ignorance is Bliss/We are the Captain Now

Simple: Capcom can’t even pronounce Dimitrescu right, or even acknowledge the way it’s correctly said in Romanian culture itself. How can you trust them to give you a perfect canon? That’s the thing: with that logic, you can’t. What they say is true means little (if anything, for that matter) to your headcanons and preexisting ideas of the Dimitrescus. In short: fuck ‘em.

I’m currently seeking a double major in pop culture, and one of the cool things I’ve learned so far is affirmational vs transformational fandom. Affirmational is where official canon is seen as the law of the land, and followed to a T. Transformational is seen as much more inviting for audiences, allowing them to bend canon as they wish to fit their own creations. This fandom is obviously transformational, so take that game canon, rip it up, and get back to whatever you were doing.

Capcom’s canon is not the end-all, be-all. Far from it, actually.

Want to still acknowledge canon? Godmod your way out of it.

Character A died? It’d be a shame if they emerged from the rubble they 'died in' a few hours later, very beaten but alive nonetheless... how awful would it be if they sulked away, nursed their wounds, and continued to live... (/s)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Ignore it completely.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there w be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the in any way. Stay with the version in your head that makes you happy.

Get Creative!

If you're into creating fanart, writing fics, or even just posting a list of headcanons, take some advice from the late Carrie Fisher: "Take your broken heart, and make it into art". Make the fluff oneshot of your dreams! Draw the fanart you've been wanting to! dump lighthearted headcanons into the tags! Not only will it cheer you up, but sharing it with the community will spread the love!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I know a lot of people are struggling with this emotionally (especially with the pandemic making entertainment like this even more important sources of escapism and coping mechanisms) and I hope that, at the very least, I was able to help comfort one person who reads this.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there will be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the flowers that bloom after major wildfires: after a period of loss, some beautiful can still come of it.

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💙

[iwaizumisbabe]

WILL YOU LOVE ME?; bakudeku

NAVIGATION | RULES | ALL CHAPTER | MAIN MASTERLIST

← MHA MASTERLIST

→ Bakugō Katsuki x Midoriya "Deku" Izuku

→ hurt/comfort, drama, fluff, lovestory, no smut

→ ships: Todoroki Shōto x Yaoyorozu Momo

→ trigger: hint of suicid

→ tags: old story | cringe | fluff | drama | hurt/comfort | aged-up | class 3-A | Bakugō x Midoriya | some toxic behavior

FRIDAY; 08/18/2034

─ 𝗕𝗔𝗞𝗨𝗚𝗢𝗨 𝗞𝗔𝗧𝗦𝗨𝗞𝗜

"Hey Bakubro, are you coming to the party Friday too?", shitty Hair asked me.

I looked up from my homework in confusion, "What are you talking about?", I asked the redhead.

"Don't tell me you didn't hear about it... We don't talk about anything else; since last Monday," I looked into a uncomprehending face.

"Where are your thoughts always? I noticed a while ago that you're always digressing and not really on your game," I didn't know what to say in response; I certainly wouldn't tell the truth. I was getting angry. Why does he care about my feelings?

I clenched my hands into fists, feeling the sparks about to start flying. But suddenly the door opened, again without a knock, and Pikachu stuck his head through. I loosened my hands again; it cannot go on like this.

"So, what did he say?", Eijiro turned around and shook his head.

"He doesn't even know there's a party going on...", Kaminari gave me a worried look. "That means he's still like that?", the redhead nodded.

Was it so obvious that my mind often wandered? I always thought I was good at hiding my feelings. Maybe it was also because it had gotten worse towards the end of last week. I was thinking about Deku more and more, my thoughts were almost all about him. That's probably why I hadn't noticed anything from the party and had slacked off a lot in class.

I am in love, the thought had been haunting me for a while now. I had admitted to myself that I had a crush on Deku and was gay. To be honest, I hadn't known this for just a few weeks, but for several years. When I had learned that Deku was quirkless, I wanted to protect him at all costs.

Both of our dreams had always been to get to UA. Without Quirk, it would be far too dangerous for him. It was out of the question for me that he would go to UA without Quirk and that there was a possibility that he would become a superhero. So I had resolved to try by all means to stop him, even if it meant that he would hate me.

I burned his notebooks, goaded him into jumping off the roof, insulted and beat him up. Every night I felt bad because I knew I was inflicting pain on him. Even if he didn't show it openly. I knew him too long and too well to miss that he was suffering.

"What are you thinking about now? You're not listening to us at all", Pikachu got cocky and I didn't like that at all.

"That's none of your fucking business. Get the fuck out of here before i let your head explodes!", I demonstratively held up my hand and let out a few sparks. Kaminari's eyes grew huge and within seconds the door closed with a loud bang.

"Calm down, bakubabe. We're all just worried about you. Everyone has noticed that something is going on with you," that pitying look just bugged me. For weeks I didn't get to see anything else. With a loud groan, I dropped my head on the tabletop. Ouch, that's going to be a fat bump.

"So, are you coming?", shitty Hair looked at me questioningly. Ahh, that's right. There was something there.

I lifted my head back up and looked him in the eye. I wonder if Deku is coming too.

Just because there was a possibility that Deku might come, I had to go. I had to protect him. I couldn't let him drink too much or get drunk and taken advantage of. I had to watch out for him.

Immediately I nodded, "Yes; yes, I'll definitely come. I'm sure it'll do me good to be around people again," even though that last one was a lie, I grinned. Eijiro grinned back.

"Okay, I can say on behalf of everyone that we're glad. It's nice that you're at least trying to distract yourself. From whatever," with a final smile, he turned and walked out. Before closing the door, he stuck his head through it again.

"Bakubro; I hope you know you can talk to us about anything. Especially with me," without waiting for an answer, he was about to close the door again, but I called him back. Astonished, he stuck his head between the door and the hinge for the second time.

"Ehm, thanks, shitty hair...", I was visibly uncomfortable. Normally I was aggressive, angry and without positive feelings. Yet somehow, at that moment, I felt it was the right thing to do.

"Anytime, Bakubabe," now he finally disappeared and closed the door behind him. I, however, swung my gaze from the door to my homework. Deku continued to run up and down in my head, preventing me from getting my assignments done; but what must, that must.

────────────────────────

And... finally done!

I glanced at my watch and was glad it wasn't that late. I took off my shirt and socks, laid the shirt over my desk chair, and threw the socks in the hamper.

I'll take a shower tomorrow, was the last thought before I threw myself into my bed and tried to fall asleep with Deku's voice in my head.

─ 𝗠𝗜𝗗𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗬𝗔 𝗜𝗭𝗨𝗞𝗨

Frustrated, I lay in my bed and looked at a picture of Kacchan and me when we were younger.

Why can't it be like it used to be, I asked myself not for the first time today.

It had been so nice.

We had gotten along well and Kacchan was my hero. But when he found out that I wouldn't get a Quirk, and thus belonged to the 20%, he started to treat me like dirt. And yet, I couldn't stop looking up to him. All Might was the superhero I always talked about, but silently it was Kacchan who got almost all my admiration, even though he was always like that to me.

It could just be because I was in love; with him.

I didn't know when or where it had happened, but somehow this feeling had always been present.

It haunted me since my childhood; every time I was with Kacchan, I had this tingling in my stomach. At some point I checked it, I had fallen in love and had to admit it to myself. But Kacchan hated me, which did not really make things easier.

────────────────────────

There was a knock at the door. I quickly turned the picture frame upside down on the bed and sat up: "Yes, please? It's open," I called a little louder. In the next moment, Ochaco stuck her head through the gap between the door and the frame before she came all the way in.

She looked at me a little pityingly, to which only a confused look came from me.

"You've been crying again, even in the dim light of dawn I can see that," she walked up to me and took the upturned frame in her hand. I didn't even think about stopping her, in the end she would get it between her fingers anyway, instead I wiped the tears from my face.

"Okay, I was actually aware of that when I came into the room," she put the picture on the desk, but joined me on the bed right after.

"You don't have to hide it from me," smiling she looked at me.

"I know. But I wasn't sure if it was you or someone else," I dreamily looked at the picture that was now on my desk.

"Never mind, other topic," grinning she jumped off the bed and paced the room.

"Guess what I just found out...", happily she bounced around and I felt a little dizzy.

"Ochaco, please calm down. I feel sick from your jumping around. Sit down and tell me," I sat up because I had lain down again in the meantime, and knocked on the bed next to me. Immediately she jumped up and threw herself next to me. We both laughed. She really does it again and again.

"So, I just found out from Eijiro that Ka-, sorry. That Bakugō is coming to the party too, he confirmed it to him earlier," I listened intently; my grin widening.

"How come he told you something like that?", I didn't even know that the two of them got along so well.

"Oh, we're both involved in the planning, that's why we talk about such things," I didn't elaborate, just nodded.

"Bakugō treats you so badly, why do you still love him anyway?", with her big innocent eyes she looked at me, and I? I just shrugged my shoulders. Why, in fact? I didn't know myself.

"I have no idea; you can't choose who you fall in love with, Ochaco", she nodded absently.

"Yes; yes, I know that too. But if someone treated me so badly.... I don't know...", she looked at me helplessly. Apparently, she didn't know what to say anymore.

"I have no idea either. Honestly, I don't want to anymore. I don't feel like being treated like this by him anymore. It-... He gets me so down. He's so cold and mean every time, and I've never done anything to him, really! Why is he like that?" I started to cry and Ochaco immediately put both arms around me to comfort me. Damn, why am I such a crybaby, a goddamn sissy.

"We both know that you can't ignore him, and your feelings for him. There's nothing wrong with that either, Deku. It's normal, it's also perfectly normal to cry in this situation. I know you're beating yourself up for it right now...", I looked up and she smiled at me; her smile was contagious.

All of a sudden, the door was yanked open. I was so startled that I banged my head against the wall. Ouch. I moved forward a bit so this wouldn't happen again.

I saw Shōto quickly close the door and then run towards us in a panic, throwing himself on the bed behind the two of us and hitting my pillow with his head over and over again.

Carefully I put my hand on Shoto's back and stroked from top to bottom - and back.

I looked at Ochaco, but she just shrugged, "Are you okay Shōto? - No, wait. It's not all good, let's go back to the beginning: what happened?", I would love to bang my head on the dresser so hard that I wouldn't be able to get up.

"Nothing's okay!", Shōto sat up and leaned on me, "I was just having dinner with Momo; you know...", awkwardly he looked at me. I nodded knowingly, "...and I completely fucked up!"

He banged his head against my shoulder. Not hard, just symbolically.

"What happened, Shōto?", Ochaco had become curious, she too was worried about Shōto.

"First I tipped a glass over and just froze it out of reflex, but I didn't see that it had already spilled onto Momo's thigh, so I tried to thaw it, but I was so nervous that I didn't regulate the fire properly and burned her. Afterwards I felt so bad that I just quickly said I would call her a cab and left. Of course, I paid first," again he banged his head against my shoulder, harder this time.

"Oh man, I'm totally sorry about that, Shōto. But you know Momo...", Ochaco interrupted me.

"Yeah. She would never be mad about something like that. I'm sure she was just as nervous as you. You know how she is. The best thing to do is to go and talk to her. If you ignore her, you'll just make her feel insecure, so chop chop!", Ochaco smiled at me and inwardly I gave her a high-five.

Apparently Shōto was also very grateful to Ochako, because he hugged her.

"Thank you, Ochako. You are my salvation", he also turned to me and hugged me a little longer.

"Thank you, Deku. You're always there for me", Shōto raised his head but didn't let go of me. He looked me in the eyes and smiled at me. Shōto is really something. 

He gave me another hug. And just at that moment, the door swung open and slammed against the wall. Everyone looked at the door where Kacchan was standing looking at Shōto and me sourly....

Fuck, it's not what it looks like!

→ PART 2

© 2022 | @iwaizumisbabe

IT'S NOT ALLOWED TO COPY/REPOST/TRANSLATE MY WORKS ON OTHER PLATFORMS!

[egcdeath]

strangers again

summary: “hiiii sweetie!! can i request a steve x reader where he left yn for peggy. but he always felt guilty and missed yn. he would always stare at her pic. when he came back he bumped into yn while she was dropping a kid to daycare. and steve realized it was his son. kinda sad but fluff at the end pls!!!! and oh i super love your works!!! tysm 🌼🥺💕”

pairing: steve rogers x reader

warnings: decent angst, brief mention of a depressive episode, abandonment, somewhat unrealistic behavior

word count: 3.8k

author’s note:  i really hope that this lives up to your expectations but it is a little cheesy. i’d also like to warn that i have not interacted with a child in several years, so.. sorry. (there’s also a lot of exposition so double sorry if that’s not your thing!)

You’d never forget the moment Steve left to return the stones, with the promise to be back in only a matter of moments.

Maybe your definition of a matter of moments was different from his.

You seemed to be the only one without a clue of what Steve truly planned to do, with Bucky only telling you after the matter that Steve was leaving for the past and for Peggy, and probably not coming back.

After finding out, something deep within you broke. You could barely leave your bed for days, you struggled to eat, sleep, even drink water. Every task that used to seem like muscle memory, began to feel like it carried the weight of the world behind it. Every hobby that you once enjoyed becoming empty and bleak.

You constantly felt inadequate. How could you love someone so much, and be told you were loved so much while always being second to someone else?

The simple sentiment of it had left you feeling miserable, and sick to your stomach. Literally. Nearly every morning, and occasionally if you smelled something too strong, you found the contents of your stomach emptied.

You attempted to ignore it at first. Meshed with every other unpleasant symptom you were going through, you’d figured that it was just one more bullet point on the list of things that had been plaguing you. But when your friends insisted that you go check up with your doctor, you had a hard time saying no.

Once you received the results from your blood test, you were completely taken aback by the fact that you were pregnant. You couldn't believe that you hadn’t considered the possibility of pregnancy earlier.

Yet,  after a long and hard period of pondering, you managed to surprise yourself once again after you realized you wanted to keep it.

After all, that could be the only piece of Steve you had left.

----

You began to tell yourself that Steve was dead. That was somehow less painful than the idea that he left you for someone that he barely knew, yet had fallen so hard for nearly 70 years ago. You refused to let yourself fall for anyone else romantically, now that you were aware that anyone had the capacity to leave you at any time, no matter how deep you perceived your relationship to be.

You guarded your heart, and made sure to only let in those that you knew you could trust for a fact. For the remainder of your pregnancy, only your closest family members and friends stood by your side.

About 8 months later, you brought a small, but healthy infant into the world. From that moment on, you promised yourself to become the best version of yourself that you could be. No dwelling on the past, and no yearning for what could’ve been. Your only duty now was to provide the best life possible for your offspring.

So you did.

----

You stood in the kitchen, peeling an orange for your son before he bounded into the room. You turned and gave him a big grin, and he grinned back to you.

“Did you get dressed all by yourself?” You asked him excitedly, receiving a nod in return before he ran up to your leg, and hugged it.

“I did, Mommy!” He looked up at you with his soulful eyes, and you couldn’t help but to feel bombarded with emotion.

Even at the tender age of five, Grant seemed to become a bit more like his father every day. The shape of his eyes, the slope of his nose, the sound of his giggle. To the average onlooker, he came across as the same as any other child, but to you, your son was the splitting image of Steve.

“Good work, little man. Now go sit at the table so mommy can finish breakfast, okay?” He didn’t even bother confirming with you before more or less sprinting to the table. You couldn’t help but to ask yourself if your son had obtained all of that energy and speed from his father as well.

Breakfast was over almost as soon as it started, and before you knew it, you were warming up your car after you’d assisted Grant with brushing his teeth.

You were in an oddly nostalgic mood that day, playing music from a time period before you’d even imagined bringing another life into the world. You glanced up at the rearview mirror and watched your son happily bop his head to the beat. You thought in passing about how much of a gift he truly was.

After arriving at his school, you hopped out of the car and over to the furthest seat in the back, where he’d insisted on sitting that day.

“You ready, big guy?” You questioned while reaching out to grab him from the car seat.

“Born ready,” he agreed. You chuckled and shook your head fondly at that while getting him out of the car.

“Who taught you that?”

Grant shrugged, “I came up with it myself.”

“I’m sure. Can you hold my hand while we’re out please?” You reached out for him, and he gladly obliged.

You soon became distracted by a large man across the street, his built figure and light blonde hair making you recall the father of your child. You gave Grant’s hand a light squeeze and continued to approach the door, not being able to help yourself, and glancing over at the man one last time.

Except this time was different. Your eyes locked with the blonde man outside of the coffee shop across the street unexpectedly. Where you once thought casually to yourself that it looked like Steve, you now had confirmation that it was in fact the man who you’d fallen in love with, and found yourself pregnant by.

You audibly gasped, receiving a bit of a questioning look from your child. Your heart dropped as a metric ton of emotions hit you all at once, anger, sadness, confusion. Everything you told yourself you needed to repress, had suddenly come back to you all at once.

Even from a distance, you swore you could see his eyes flit from you to Grant, and the next thing you knew, he was approaching your direction. Looking for an easy out, and a distraction from your rather observant child, you quickly caused a misdirection.

“Grant, is that Stacey over on the playground? You should totally go show her that new version of tag that you were telling me about!”

Your son, ever the speedster, booked it towards the playground, and you let out a sigh of relief. Although, the relief didn’t last long, as just moments later, Steve was almost all the way up to you. As you turned to try to escape, you felt a hand on your arm.

“Y/N?” He asked, almost timidly.

You weren’t even sure what to say. In fact, you didn’t feel like you had control of your own body at this point. “Steve? I-“ You ran a hand through your hair and bit the inside of your lip. “You need to go.” The pain that was rushing through you was too much for you to bare, especially considering the man who caused the hurt had suddenly decided to reappear in your life after giving you a world of self doubt and abandonment issues.

Steve seemed hurt by your statement, but you weren’t sure how much longer you could stand to even look at his face. “Please, Y/N, let me explain,” he begged.

“No, Steve. You don’t get that luxury. You left me for someone else, and I guess you got to live a nice, long life with her. You don’t get to just show back up in my life when you get bored, okay? I can’t afford to play those types of games anymore. Now if you’d let me go-“ You attempted to get to your car, but Steve side stepped you.

“It wasn’t like that. You know it isn’t like that.”

“Just fucking leave! You have no idea what this has all been like for me. You had your opportunity to leave, and you gladly took it. Stay the fuck out of my life, and the hell away from my son.” You grabbed the handle of your car door and got in, reeling as you watched a dejected Steve walk away.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you rested your head against the steering wheel. You were feeling way too many emotions to pinpoint exactly how you felt, but you knew that this couldn’t be good.

——

You put a brave face on for your son that day, picking him up from school in a daze, and only half listening to whatever it was that he was telling you.

You felt bad for only being able to nod along to whatever he was saying, and did he just ask you if he could get a dog? Did you just say yes?

You felt like a stranger watching yourself from the outside in. The ghost of the person you’d developed into over the years watching the past version of yourself slip right back into your body, and take over your daily routine through the next few days of your life.

You had an obscene amount of anger that soon dissolved into a deep sadness, and that sadness shorty developed into a morbid curiosity.

You spent an unreasonable, and certainly unhealthy amount of time searching your old lover’s name on tabloid websites and social media, just to see if he’d given a statement on his whereabouts, or a statement about anything at all.

After about day three of your minor internet stalking, you’d had an epiphany while sitting in your office.

You still have Steve’s number saved on your phone.

That was, of course, if it hadn’t changed between now and the years that he’d been off living in the past.

Something about knowing that you were just one text away from him made your heart race with a mixture of nerves and interest. Just one impulsive decision, and you could change the whole trajectory of the rest of your life.

If you got back in contact with Steve, you might not ever be willing to leave him. You refused to make that mistake again.

Until you did.

After reading Grant his nightly bedtime story, then wrapping him tightly in his little bed, you’d decided to treat yourself to a glass of Chardonnay.

It’d been a weird past couple of days. Your time traveling ex had randomly appeared back into your life, your coworkers seemed to get on your nerves a little more every moment you were around them, and Grant had a temper tantrum in the grocery store that afternoon over a chocolate bar, which gained judging stares from customers, and may have made you feel the slightest bit inadequate.

At least that’s what you told yourself as you filled your glass again, because two glasses can’t hurt, and again, since I kinda deserve this extra one, don’t I? The next thing you knew, the bottle was empty, and you were texting Steve for the first time in years.

Y: Is this Steve?

You watched as three white dots hovered on your screen for a moment, disappeared, then came back once again.

S: Is this Y/N?

Y: Yes.

Y: We should tlak

Y: *talk

S: I agree.

Y: So lets

Y: talk

S: I don’t think this is a conversation for texts.

Y: Then call me???????????????????

S: We should talk in person.

Y: Im not gonna do that sober

S: You’re not sober?

Y: do you think id text u sober u big fuckni asshole

S: I guess you’re right

S: So are we gonna talk?

Y: no ur gonna meet me at b cup cafe tomorrow at 10

S: AM or PM?

Y: AM I’m off

S: Are you sure you want to do this?

Y: Say yes before i change my mind

S: I’ll see you there

Y: Bye babydaddy

S: ????

You promptly deleted the messages, tossed your phone somewhere on the sofa, and sunk into the seat. Even in your not-completely-sober state, you already felt the all too familiar sense regret. You dragged the blanket that hung over the top of the sofa over your exhausted body, and closed your eyes, wishing that this was somehow all a dream.

----

It was not all just a dream.

You woke up with dried drool on your chin, and a deep pit of bad feelings and regret in your chest. Of course, you ignored the bad feelings and got ready, business as usual. You successfully dropped Grant off at school with little complications, and found yourself perking up a bit more.

Yet, something still felt slightly off. You reached into the passenger seat for your phone, and as you looked down on it, saw the familiar notification of a calendar event.  

10:00 AM b cup coff w Steeb

You groaned out loud at this. There was no obligation for you to go meet with him, but perhaps going and talking to Steve would bring you some sort of closure. Maybe then you could move on with your life, get with a nice guy who would mean it when he tells you he won't leave you, who loves Grant like he’s his own biological offspring, and to take care of the both of you through thick and thin.

You gladly daydreamed of this fantasy man while driving to the shop, but you couldn’t help but to see Steve’s face doing all of the aforementioned things. Before you even fell pregnant, that’s what you’d truly wanted with Steve. To be a family. To have your definition of home be with your people, rather than a place.

Entering the coffee shop, you briefly ordered your drink before looking around and find Steve sitting alone in a booth, mindlessly stirring around the liquid in his cup.

Timidly, you approached the booth, before setting your purse down and sitting across from him.

“You... you came?” He looked up to you with almost watery eyes.

“Of course I did,” you tried to hold yourself back from mentioning something about following through on your word. You wanted this to be as civil as possible. To build bridges rather than burn them.

“I just didn’t expect to see you in person again. And, you know, you were running a little late,” he added.

“Well, you try waking a five year old up and getting him ready for school every day,” you expelled a humorless chuckle to deflect from the slight agitation you were feeling.

“While you’re hungover?” Steve asked with a bit of a smirk, trying to lighten up the mood.

“While you’re hungover,” You confirmed, genuinely laughing now. It felt good, natural even. You’d kind of forgotten just how pleasant things used to be with Steve.

“Did you mean it last night?” he interrupted the laughter with a serious look.

“I honestly cannot remember anything I said last night. Elaborate, please?”

“That he’s mine. Your son.” He watched you silently nod, then began to speak again, “Wow, I just didn’t realize… How did that happen?” He looked down into his drink nervously.

“Well, it’s kind of hard to recall the exact details, but when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...” You trailed off, and looked up as a barista called a butchered version of your name.

You were glad to have an excuse to get up and leave for a moment. Adrenaline was racing through your body, and you weren’t sure how much longer you could keep your composure before you erupted into tears, or had some sort of angry outburst.

Bringing your cup back to the booth, you sat down and took a sip of the scalding drink, “Where did we leave off?”

“I believe you were giving me the birds and the bees?”

“Right! Well, I think you know the rest. I’ll tell you more about Grant later. Right now, I want to know why you left and suddenly decided to come back.” You genuinely felt proud of your delivery. This was the moment you’d practiced in front of the mirror for years, and you didn’t even butcher it.

Steve shook his head and looked into his drink once again. It was so hard to look at you, let alone make eye contact with you, when he knew that he’d been the one to give you an ocean of grief. Yet, he was somewhat intrigued by hearing that his son’s name was his middle name.  

“It’s kind of a long story,” Steve began.

“Good thing we have time,” you crossed your arms as you spoke.

“Well, waking up in a whole new time period isn’t exactly the easiest thing ever. You and me both know I missed it there, and it’s always been more than just nostalgia for me. I truly believed that I belonged back there.”

Of course, you had an idea of this, but hearing Steve confirm what you’d already thought made your insides twist.

“But I was so wrong. More than anything, I guess I was in love with a romanticized version of the past. Of Peggy.”

Hearing her name, especially from Steve, made you bristle. You wanted to interrupt him at this point, but it wouldn’t do you or him any good to become hostile while he explained himself.

“By the time I realized, it was too late. I figured you’d already moved on and found someone else to take care of you, and the world, this world, didn’t really need me anymore. But something possessed me to come back.”

“So you’re telling me that if you stopped being an idiot that just assumes things, we could’ve worked this out before? That you could’ve been an active participant in your son’s life?”

“I guess that’s a good way to interpret that story. I know I haven’t been in his life, but is there any way that I can still meet him?” Steve asked hopefully.

“Yeah, of course. He’s just like,” you sighed a bit to yourself. “He’s like a carbon copy of you. Especially his personality, but like, down to his mannerisms. I always struggled to understand how he could be so much like his dad, and never even had met him. You’ll love him.”

“Even if I didn't like him, I’d still love him.”

“How do you still manage to be such a cheeseball all the damn time? You think you’d be able to make it to dinner tonight?”

----

At exactly 6:30 on the dot, your doorbell rang, and before you even had the chance to think about opening it, Grant already was at the door, and opening it. You cringed on the inside, and made a mental note to have another conversation about stranger danger with him.

“Do I know you? Who are you?” you heard your child question from the other room as you set down the last of the plates in your dining room.  

“I’m Steve, your mom’s friend... and…” Steve nearly spilled the beans to his son, but didn’t want to cause any more damage than he’d already done. “Her friend.”

“That’s so cool! I have friends too, like Nick, and Stacey, and,” you’d rushed up to the door and wiped your brow, internally hoping that you hadn’t just smudged the makeup you’d put on for the occasion.

“Hi, Steve, come on in,” You beckoned him in, and pulled Grant to the side, quietly scolding him before leading Steve into the dining room. “Grant! This is the last time I’m telling you about opening doors, okay?” He nodded obediently, then followed you and Steve.

“Can I sit next to your friend, Mommy?”

“Is that alright with you, Steve?”

“More than fine.”

Grant sat down next to him, and scooted a bit closer than necessary, while you sat across from the two of them.

“I have to in… enter a gate you now. Because Mommy never brings any over her friends over. I didn’t know she had any friends.”

You blushed a bit at this, at your son’s overdramatic behavior, and his admission that you’d become a bit of a loner.

“Go ahead, pal,” Steve chuckled heartily.

“When did you meet my mom?”

“Before you were even born.”

“Wow! That’s a long time. You’re really old. What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

“I’ve heard T-Rexes are pretty cool.”

“Have you met any?”

You nearly spat out your drink at this. If only your son had known.

“Nope, never. Have you?”

“Hmm, not yet. But they’re my favorite dino too. Now your ‘gating is over.”

You couldn’t help but to burst out into laughter at the bizarre exchange, but you were glad that your son and Steve were getting along so well.

The rest of dinner went pretty similarly, with Grant bantering with Steve, and Steve indulging him. You could tell that the relationship between the two of them was something that came both naturally and easily. You couldn’t help but to grin as Grant began to ramble about how cool Steve was, and how he swore he was better friends with Steve than you were.

“Mommy, isn’t Steve the best? You guys should totally get married so he can have dinner with us every day!” he swooned. “He even kinda looks like me, right?!”

That’s why you couldn’t help what came out of your mouth next.

“Grant, Steve is… He’s your dad,” you said quietly.

Grant nodded, then slurped up a noodle, “That’s why he’s so cool! He gets it from me, right Mom?”

“That sounds right to me,” You glanced up at Steve, and noticed his surprised expression. You mouthed something along the lines to ‘He’ll process it later,’ and waved a dismissive hand, before going in for another bite of food.

----

After putting Grant to bed, You and Steve stood at your kitchen sink, bumping elbows occasionally as the two of you silently worked together to wash and dry dishes.

The domesticity and familiarity of the action brought you an obscene amount of comfort. You remembered how you once believed that this is what your future would look like. Your thoughts were interrupted by Steve beginning to talk.

“Doesn’t this remind you of life after the first snap?” He asked, breaking the silence.

“Kind of. You’re not off the hook yet, by the way. You still have plenty of explaining and proving you’ve changed to do.” You set the last cup in the cupboard, then dried your hands off.

“I know, I know,” Steve began.

“We don’t even know if you’re ready for fatherhood. But right now, I kinda don’t care. I really just want you to kiss me.” You reached up to Steve’s cheek, and he pulled you in for a soft and chaste kiss.

You’d never felt more at home.

——

me with this fic:

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S3:E3; Chapter Three, The Case Of The Missing Lifeguard - [Pt. 5]

A Will Byers x Reader Series

𝘌𝘭 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘉𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘞𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘳𝘥, 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘋&𝘋. 𝘋𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘺 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘙𝘰𝘣𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘶𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦.

⚠️: Castle Byers scene. Meaning lots of angst, self destructive thinking, and misguided self punishing

📝: Started making it... had a break down [fr tho]... ¯\_( ツ)_/¯ bon appetite! 👩‍🍳 [edit: told ya 💀]

🔑: underlined and bold means they're talking in Russian

||𝟑𝐑𝐃 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

Warm rain spits from the angry blanket of clouds, falling through the sky and drenching Mike and Lucas to the bone despite their rain gear. Mud splashed up onto their ankles and drenching their socks as their bikes skid up the Byers driveway. Without a thought, they throw their bikes into the ground before racing up onto Will's porch.

It had taken far longer than they cared to admit to decide to go and find Will. To make things right.

Mike was realizing far too late just how right Will was. He didn't even recognize himself anymore. El had become such an important piece of his life, but he hadnt realized until now just how much he let his feelings screw up all the wonderful things he had in his life to begin with. He missed how things used to be. With the party. With Y/n.

With Will.

All the anger he feels towards himself is channeled into his fist banging on Will's front door.

"Will!" He cries. "Will, I'm sorry, man, alright? I was being a total asshole. I've been a total asshole. Please, can you just come outside and we'll talk?"

No answer but the thundering clouds rolling over their heads. He pounds on the door again.

"Will!"

Lucas hurries to the window, cupping his palms against the glass and peering inside. He knocks on the window, doing his best to peer around the curtains and furniture obscuring his sight.

"Hey, Will! Come on, man! We're sorry!" He knocks again, growing nervous. "Will!"

||𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

'Sorry, man. Curfew,'

'For the last time, Will! No!'

-'What, so I should be locked up all day, too?'

-'Maybe!'

Huffing, I throw the wrinkling comic book into the old mattress. Nothing was working. Nothing was enough to distract me. I was too angry.

I looked down at the withered cover of the comic book I had just thrown, my chest sinking further. Dustin's X-MEN 134, he gave it to me after that night at the hospital.

Thinking about it now, I can't even remember the last time all seven of us hung out as a party. I don't count Dustin's welcome home. Mike and El couldn't be bothered to pretend to care, and Lucas and Max kept ganging up on Dustin. Dustin was understandably upset and not wanting anything to do with us, leaving just me and Y/n. And now, not even her.

How did everything get so messed up?

What was I doing wrong?

I looked around the walls of Castle Byers, a lump forming in my throat. Everywhere I looked, I was painfully reminded of the truth.

My friends don't want me anymore.

I keep telling myself that's bullshit, but the more I do the more it feels like a lie.

They're moving on without me.

Friends don't just forget you, I reasoned. They don't just abandon you.

Then why were they doing just that?

Maybe they weren't my real friends. Friend's don't do what they did.

Everything hurts. I've been telling myself I'm fine, that I'm overreacting but I don't think I am anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tried of feeling like this. I'm tired of being pushed aside, especially when I need them most.

They didn't use to be like this, I tell myself. But somehow that just hurts more.

I had people that cared about me, who were willing to risk their lives to save me. Twice.

And now they don't give me a second thought.

I was shaking now, but I don't think it's from the rain. The storm had finally reached me, seeping through the walls and dampening my clothes and hair.

Another painful realization hits me; Castle Byers looked just like it had the night I built it with Jonathan.

Even though this night was so much like the night Castle Byers was constructed, it couldn't feel more different. More unfamiliar.

My teary eyes find my first D&D manual, propped up against the wooden walls, soaked and forgotten like me. I'm painfully reminded of the night all this started.

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday, and yet it feels light-years away.

'Something is coming. Something hungry for blood.'

《•••》

"What is it?" I ask, edging further off my seat.

This time it's Dustin who cuts in, "What if it's the Demogorgon?"

Oh, great, I think, throwing myself back in my seat with an anxious huff. We're not ready to face a Demogorgon!

Beside me, Y/n draws in an equally anxious breath.

"Oh, Jesus, we're so screwed if it's the Demogorgon." Dustin rambles on.

"It's not the Demogorgon." Lucas says, assuring us all.

《•••》

My eyes trail to one of my favorite drawings; Will The Wise and Y/C/N. The one I had made when Y/n was first constructing her character. The one that hung in my room for so long, always cheering me up. The one that gave my mom the idea to help me communicate my now memories.

The one that Y/n always threatened to steal for her room as often and as recently as her last visit. The memory of her warm touch lingering on my cheeks burned as bright as the blush raging over me that night so long ago.

'Wait a minute... Did you guys hear that?'

《•••》

The anticipated silence in the basement left by Mike grew louder as he leaned in.

"Boom..." His voice grows louder. "Boom," Louder.

"BOOM!" Mike bellows, slamming his hands against the flat surface, rattling the table and all its contents.

The sudden noise was enough to make me and my friends jump, as was the sudden hand grabbing for my own.

All the more startled, I look down to see Y/n's hand grasping my arm like a lifeline. I feel my skin flush, my cheeks surely reddened as I catch her eye. She looked flustered, smiling a small smile before retracting her hand and returning to the game, unknowingly leaving me in a dizzying blush.

•••

"Will, your action!"

"Fireball!" I cry, throwing the dice to the board with a satisfying rattle.

"FOURTEEN!"

My friends erupt into cheers, all around me as we celebrate together.

"BOOM!"

"Direct hit!" Mike cries, beaming proudly at me across the table. "Will the Wise's fireball hits the Thessalhydra!"

Our excited shouts fill the basement, each and every one of us victorious. My smile can't get any wider when I feel Y/n's hands grip my shoulder and begin shaking me excitedly. We both laugh, feeling on top of the world with our cheering friends by our side.

《•••》

Pained, I look away only to find the proof right in front of my eyes. My three favorite pictures; all of them, my friends and me — happy — staring back up at me.

Our photo from the science fair, encased in the popsicle frame Mike had made bearing all of our characters' names along the side. I brought it here, I brought all my favorite pictures here, to Castle Byers — to my safe place — cause that's where I knew I would need their comfort the most.

But as I look at them now, all I feel is bitterness and pain. I'm reminded of just how much everything has changed.

The science fair was a reminder of the good thing I had before that night. Before everything started.

Y/n and me, at the Snow Ball. My arm wrapped around her, the two of us grinning nervously. It wasn't just the night Y/n and I had first kissed, it was also the first night I felt like the Party had gotten bigger. All of us, Max and El included had been happy. Everyone was laughing and getting along, the happiest we had ever been — the strongest. But now I see it was really the beginning of the end.

It had been coming for so long and I didn't even see it.

And Halloween. Last Halloween, everything had been perfect. For just one. Single. Stupid. Moment.

Shakily, I pick up the photo Jonathan had taken of all of us in our costumes. We were all smiling.

We were all happy.

'Who you gonna call?'

《•••》

I beam as I see my friends pulling up, looking just as excited as I felt.

"Ghostbusters!" I finish, watching as they look me over, happily surprised.

"Hey, Spengler!"

"Egon! Looking sharp!" Y/n grinned, pulling me into a quick hug.

"Janine!" I beam. "Venkman!"

《•••》

As I look at it now, my eyes and throat stinging as Mike's voice echoes louder than ever in my mind.

'I mean, what did you think, really?'

What was I thinking?

'That we were just gonna sit in my basement all day, playing games for the rest of our lives?'

How could I have been so naive?

'it's not my fault you can't move on!'

How could I have been so... so...

"Stupid." I tell myself, my voice splitting in my throat. "So stupid!"

My hands trembling violently with rage and my own sobs, I tear the photo in two.

I was stupid. Stupid to believe I was as big of a priority to them as they were to me.

I rip the drawing off the walls, tearing it to pieces.

Stupid to ever think they'd still cared about me.

I rip and tear and crumple up every meaningful piece of them in an act of defiance.

They won't care. I think bitterly. They won't miss these, they probably won't even notice. Not like I would have.

I grab my bat.

How could I be so fucking stupid?!

Why was I hanging on to all this stuff anyway? Why was I clinging so tightly to something that was already gone?

Because I've been stupid. I'm just some stupid kid that won't grow up.

I storm out of the tent.

I'm just some stupid kid who can't grow up. They made that perfectly clear.

I stand in the pouring rain now, heart thundering in my chest as I stare at the piece of my childhood I couldn't let go of.

So. Stupid.

And I start swinging.

I swing and I swing, with an anger and frustration I've never felt so intensely until now. It's been building my whole life and I didn't realize it. Every swing is simultaneously the best and the worst I've ever felt. Every slur I've heard from my dad, from Troy, is channeled into the bat. Every ounce of frustration and fear I felt since I came back from the Upside Down that nobody understood. Every laugh, every jeer, every single moment I've felt alone is channeled into the destruction of the one place on this earth I ever felt safe.

But it holds up and in the back of my mind, I hear Jonathan again.

'And it took so long cause you were so bad at hammering'

And I start kicking, and I start ripping the walls apart until it's a crumpled heap and I stop.

The sight of Castle Byers in ruins breaks me even harder.

I didn't want it gone, but I did it anyway. That part of me that was angry at myself, told me to keep going. Cause that's what I deserved for believing things could stay the same even though deep down I knew that wasn't true.

I finally stop when I see the castle in ruins.

Exhausted, I collapse to the ground beside the wreckage.

As I sob, stewing in the pain and overwhelming grief I felt I was drowning in, the rain pours heavily over me, soaking me to the bone.

Just as it had the night it had been built.

And now, Castle Byers was gone.

||𝟑𝐑𝐃 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

When blue meets yellow in the west.

8:41 pm. It was almost time.

The yellow and blue clock hands were illuminated by a flash of lightning, streaking through the mall's skylight. Starcourt had long since closed, and the real activity was just beginning.

Stationed at the loading docks near the back, standing under the worst storm Hawkins had seen in years were two guards. They watched through the downpour as the scheduled truck backed its way under the concrete cover.

And perched on the roof, just out of sight sat Dustin, Steve, and Robin, scouting from under their rain slickers.

"Look for Imperial Panda and Kauffman Shoes," she reminds them.

Steve wipes away at the rain dripping into his eyes, squinting even further to get a clear picture Dustin already has.

A man in a bright yellow raincoat emerges from a hidden side door, a trolley cart full of packages marked with a familiar insignia.

"They're with that whistling guy!" Dustin says suddenly, motioning out from behind the only pair of binoculars.

"What do you think's in there?" Steve wonders, eyeing the Lynx logo on the back of their many yellow jackets.

"Guns? Bombs?"

"Chemical weapons?" Robin tries.

"Whatever it is," Dustin says, now cautiously studying the heavily armed guards. He had to admit to himself, they really weren't trying very hard not to be obvious. "they're armed to the teeth."

"Great," comes Steve's sarcastic voice, once again rubbing at his eyes, silently wishing he had brought a coat with a hood. "That's great."

A soft clink that would have been obnoxiously loud had it not been for the noise of the storm brings their attention to another guard. Having pressed a glowing button on a small control panel, two large metal doors swung open to reveal another room.

"Hey!" Robin says, squinting through the rain as she tries to get a glimpse without the binoculars. "What's in there?"

"It's just more boxes,"

"Let me check it out," Steve says, grabbing for the binoculars.

Huffing, Dustin fought to keep his grip on the binoculars. "No, I'm still looking!"

"Lemme see it!"

"Hang on!"

Steve's grip had loosened with the slick of rain, sending the binoculars knocking into the cement. The issue had already been forgotten when they saw the guards' attention had been stolen. Simultaneously, the three of them dove to the ground in a panic.

The guards began to pace, grip on their firearms tightening as they gaze out into the night. Seeing nothing but empty roofs and angry skies above them, they unknowingly miss the trio huddled against the roof wall.

Just out of sight to the right of Dustin, Steve and Robin sat panting as they try to calm their racing hearts. Way too close a call. And neither of them had realized what they had done until their eyes landed on their entertained hands. Just as quickly as they notice, they break apart, embarrassed.

Down below, the guards were now on high alert. One of them, unable to shake the feeling of being watched, stalked into the rain with his eyes deadset on an open spot on the roof. He was certain he heard the noise come from that direction.

"Stay here!" He orders to the other. "Watch the door!"

Reluctantly, his partner complies and inches back towards the doors.

When he finally reaches the top of the stairwell, he hesitates only a moment before he throws the roof door open, gun cocked.

But he was met only with steady claps of thunder and an empty roof.

Had he been wrong?

Or had he just missed whoever had been here?

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Clothes drenched, their shoes sloshing underneath their feet like sponges, Steve, Robin, and Dustin slip out from the shadows and make their way throughout the back halls behind the scenes of Starcourt.

"Well, I think we sound your Russians," Robin quips.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Black Trans Travel Fund:

For The Gworls:

"The Black Trans Travel Fund is a grassroots, Black Trans led Collective, providing Black Transgender Women with financial and material resources needed to remove barriers to self-determining and accessing safer travel options"

Trans Women Of Color Collective Fund

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

"Founded by a Black transgender woman and a Black nonbinary person, For The Gworls raises money to help provide funds for rent and gender affirming surgeries for Black transgender people across the country."

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[worksby-d]

Since you’ve been talking about this series recently, I have the most random ass stupid head cannon for everyone thinks it that I’d thought I’d share lmao: when reader is in labor and in pain, since chris can’t really comfort her in like a romantic kiss the pain away type of way, he randomly pulls out/asks for a deck of cards from the nurse and they start playing easy 2 person card games to distract reader. And chris starts letting her win each game cause he feels bad but she starts to realize and like jokingly yells at him to stop letting her win. Lmao I realize this is v random but I fucking love card games and often use them to distract myself from certain things 😅

THAT'S SO CUTE pls yes i accept this headcanon 🤝 i was thinking about that too like even when she was sick or tired or what not like what did he do it had to kill him that he couldn't take an intimate approach to help when that would be the natural approach lol i think there were a lot of hugs though 🥺